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BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN => The Impact on Society & Ourselves => Topic started by: CellarDweller115 on July 10, 2007, 05:12:00 PM

Title: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on July 10, 2007, 05:12:00 PM
Hello fellow Brokies!

This thread is a continuation of the original "How Brokeback Affected Me" thread.  Please use this thread to post your thoughts about how you were affected by this film.  The thoughts you had, the emotions you felt, and the actions you took.

Can you divide your life into chapters titled "Before Brokeback" and "After Brokeback"?  Have you made small changes, large changes, no changes?

Tell us about it.

To start this thread, I went and found my first post, from the original thread, back on December 29th, 2005, three days after I saw the film for the first time.


How it affected me???

Well, it re-affirmed to me the belief that the type of love Jack and Ennis had is possible, and I deserve to have that too.  I came to this decision about a year ago, when I decided to take chances and placed a personal ad.  After a few misses, I have finally met someone, and we are dating.

I think I got more of a sense of pride and anticipation as I walked out of the theater at the end of the movie.  I remember thinking....."This is gonna help people change how they think.  People will come away from this, and realize we all don't lisp, and prance around all swishy, with limp wrists, acting like a bunch of "man whores", looking for sex, but not love."



Wow.  What a difference a year and a half makes.

I still believe that the love that Jack & Ennis had for each other is possible for me,  and that I deserve to have it.  The guy I mentioned in the above post and I are no longer dating.  That's ok.  I've since moved on in my dating life, and have had other encounters and relationships that I've grown from. 

I learned that time is short, and I've actually started approaching men.  I'm no longer content to being the "wallflower", and I'll actively flirt and attempt to meet guys.  Sometimes it's paid off, sometimes it hasn't.  But at this time last year, I was content to be the "wallflower", not realizing that I was hiding myself in the shadows, denying myself the opportunity to grow.

I'm contemplating changes in my career, branching out into a field that I've thought about often, but held myself back from, because I didn't want to deal with rejection.  A new career (just like finding love) is a risk, and if you want to receive rewards, you need to take risks.  I now feel ready to take them, confident enough that even if I am rejected, I can pick myself up, dust myself off, and move on to the next challenge that I will be presented with.

Lastly, Brokeback helped me to come to terms with what I perceived to be my "femininity".  In the post above, I talked about Brokeback showing gay men who didn't lisp or have limp wrists.  It was something that I was always very conscious about.  After reflecting on the movie, I came away with the idea that if Ennis & Jack had been more comfortable with themselves, things may have been easier for them.  I'm not saying they should have acted effeminate.  I mean if they were able to accept themselves as gay men, life may have gone more smoothly.  So I made the decision to accept myself the way I am.  Does this mean I'm openly flamboyant?  No, but it means I no longer care if I act in a way that someone may be critical of, using my behavior to demean me.  I have learned to be happy with who I am, and how I act.  I feel much more relaxed now than I have in a long time.  I even marched in the NYC Pride Parade this year, and that is something I said I would NEVER do.

I also took the leap, and started to travel, and since BBM, I've been to Florida, Texas, Oklahoma, Maryland, Michigan, and Colorado.  California, DC, and UK are next on the list.  If anyone would have told me 2 years ago that I would be traveling all over, meeting people from around the world, and doing things like square dancing, horseback rides, hayrides, and other new things, I would've told them they were crazy.  But it's happening for me.

and it's all because of Brokeback Mountain.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Mejack on July 10, 2007, 09:41:54 PM
Hi Chuck,

I was one of the early posters on the "Affected Me" thread,
and now that we have this continuation, I just wanted to drop in
for a minute to say Hi   to everyone again.

Before Brokeback:
1.  Living in the deepest recesses of my self-imposed closet.
2.  Billy, my only love, deeply imbedded in my soul for 50 years.
3.  Nevertheless, married 34 years, four sons, and contented.

After Brokeback:
1.  Discovered this forum.  Jackie greeted me first.
2.  Desperately searched to find my long-lost Billy.
3.  Found that he had died years earlier. Emotionally drained.
4.  Slipped out of the damned closet for "one glorious weekend in Texas."
5.  Met you there. Friendships were cemented, and continue to grow.
6.  Visited Billy's grave, accompanied by another good forum friend.
7.  Immersed myself more deeply in my work.  Still married, of course.
8.  Became a grandfather last month!  What a hoot that is!
9.  Oh yeah, still in the closet.  Seems like home, now.

I've known real love.  I'm satisfied with life.  Love all you guys!  :-* :-*

Paul

 

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on July 11, 2007, 07:02:23 AM
We love you too, Paul!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: sweety02 on July 11, 2007, 08:34:18 AM
Hi Chuck,

I was one of the early posters on the "Affected Me" thread,
and now that we have this continuation, I just wanted to drop in
for a minute to say Hi   to everyone again.

Before Brokeback:
1.  Living in the deepest recesses of my self-imposed closet.
2.  Billy, my only love, deeply imbedded in my soul for 50 years.
3.  Nevertheless, married 34 years, four sons, and contented.

After Brokeback:
1.  Discovered this forum.  Jackie greeted me first.
2.  Desperately searched to find my long-lost Billy.
3.  Found that he had died years earlier. Emotionally drained.
4.  Slipped out of the damned closet for "one glorious weekend in Texas."
5.  Met you there. Friendships were cemented, and continue to grow.
6.  Visited Billy's grave, accompanied by another good forum friend.
7.  Immersed myself more deeply in my work.  Still married, of course.
8.  Became a grandfather last month!  What a hoot that is!
9.  Oh yeah, still in the closet.  Seems like home, now.

I've known real love.  I'm satisfied with life.  Love all you guys!  :-* :-*

Paul

Hi Paul!

I read "Beyond Brokeback"  and I cannot forget how much your life's story touched my heart! :( :( :(
I'm so happy you have known real love!

I discovered this forum a few months ago only and I am really involved with all your painful even if wonderful stories, BBM obsessed Friends!

A big hug from a 50 years old straight woman from Northern-Italy.

Laura
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on July 11, 2007, 08:55:55 AM
All I can say is this.....I'm glad Brokeback kicked my ass to reality...I still can't believe I was living my life as I once was....can't believe how negative I was and how easily I gave up on things,including my life!!  I can't believe that I never thought twice about making decisions that would affect my whole life!! Never once thought that I was affecting others lives by my stupid decisions...can't even believe that on my downest times I wanted to end my life and take the easy way out....I had a few hours to think about all this the other day...was reflecting on this whole year...again. Was sitting under a tree in Lake Geneva,Wisconsin this past weekend...looking at the beautiful water and the gorgeous sky...watching my kids play in the water and fishing...hearing the laughter around me and the family interactions...the hugs and the I love you's...ugh!!  What was I thinking?...this is so great!! I was so blinded..taking life for granted...not realizing that I had it all right in front of me. ...So easily said huh....but it ain't easy...life is never easy. This movie made me realize all this...my friends here...the whole package!

I no longer ask myself when will I get over this movie,when will it fade?....I was walking down the rocky pier,hearing the water splash and thought of our Jack and Ennis as they sat by the water,talking...washing their plates in the stream..arguing...got a lot of flash backs this weekend. Made my heart ache something bad. Started missing my friends from this Forum,the one's I've met...*sigh*

I really hope you all have found some form of peace...I really hope that your lives have all changed for the better..or still changing. Was thinking about all you folks in here....hoping you're all doing good..and keeping you all in my prayers.It will always be like this, just like this..

Nellie


I'm bringing this from the old thread as much to see if I can do it, and to comment on my darling Nellie's words...

You are a shining light to me, sweet Nellie, and always will be.  I'm glad we found each other here.  I am better for knowing you.   :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on July 11, 2007, 09:27:24 AM
Chuck, you know how I feel about your comments.  I am proud to know you, and call you my friend. I like who you are, too.   :-*

Paul, my Elder Brother.  After reading your comments, I found myself going back to the original thread, from the beginning, to remind myself how it was, as we all started exploring this phenomenon and our reactions to it, how we coped with the knowledge that we could/would never be the same after this.  I was intending to find and quote my favorite post ever made on this Forum, the one from Jari (Boris) about needing to reclaim the direction of our lives.  (Here it is for those who wish to read it:    http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.msg55695#msg55695 ).

But, I got sidetracked by all those early stories, some of which are now in our book, including yours.  Those were heady days, weren't they?  Painful, as we tried to unlock the secrets we had kept from ourselves; joyful, as we discovered we were not alone.  And we are still not alone.  The friendships that began as a cyber-share, under cover of anonymity, have become real and personal and necessary to my life, and I am grateful.  I am not a NEW person, but I think I am a better person, for being here, for loving the film, and mainly, for knowing all of you.  So, one more in my ever-growing list of thank you's to all of you here.  :D  :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Mejack on July 11, 2007, 09:47:52 AM
The friendships that began as a cyber-share, under cover of anonymity, have become real and personal and necessary . . .

Yes, Jackie, oh so necessary! 
What would I do without you, and Jari, and Linda and Chuck and Terry and Brad and on and on . . .

Paul
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Mejack on July 11, 2007, 09:53:54 AM

I read "Beyond Brokeback"  and I cannot forget how much your life's story touched my heart! :( :( :(


Laura, I'm so glad to meet you!  Beyond Brokeback is a true phenomenon.

Paul
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: milomorris on July 11, 2007, 11:06:05 AM
I learned that time is short, and I've actually started approaching men.  I'm no longer content to being the "wallflower", and I'll actively flirt and attempt to meet guys.  Sometimes it's paid off, sometimes it hasn't.  But at this time last year, I was content to be the "wallflower", not realizing that I was hiding myself in the shadows, denying myself the opportunity to grow.

This is great. So many people are afraid to go out seek what they need, and in the process languish. I'm happy to hear that BBM led you to stop being one of them. And I hope that you find someone that fits you, and fills your life.

Lastly, Brokeback helped me to come to terms with what I perceived to be my "femininity".  In the post above, I talked about Brokeback showing gay men who didn't lisp or have limp wrists.  It was something that I was always very conscious about.  After reflecting on the movie, I came away with the idea that if Ennis & Jack had been more comfortable with themselves, things may have been easier for them.  I'm not saying they should have acted effeminate.  I mean if they were able to accept themselves as gay men, life may have gone more smoothly.

Good for you. I don't want to cross over into a discussion that belongs in the Masculine & Gay thread, but it sounds to me like you are realizing that masculinity is not about the way you walk or talk, but rather about your conduct and character.

I think that one of the things that kept Jack & Ennis from understanding their homosexuality was that they didn't know any homosexual men that were like them. The one's they associated with the word "queer" were too far outside their experience: flamboyant, promiscuous, superficial, urban queens. Since being bitten by BBM, and recently joining the Fraternal Order of Androphiles, I have put a high priority status on placing my virtues ahead of my sexuality in public. I think it is important for homos and heteros to see non-stereotypical homosexuals flourish in real life.

Milo





Modified by CellarDweller115 to fix "broken" quote
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: DaveinPhilly on July 11, 2007, 11:16:45 AM
It's a wonderful thing to realise that the thread had become so vast - all these wonderful and touching personal recollections. As one who's been here from near the beginning I can say again to all -

Thank You For This Forum and the difference it has made in so many lives.

DaveinPhilly
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: milomorris on July 11, 2007, 11:40:45 AM
I've known real love.  I'm satisfied with life.  Love all you guys!  :-* :-*

AMEN!! That really is what its all about, Paul.

BTW, I'm with sweety02. I read your story here over several posts, and I too was deeply touched. Thank you for sharing it.

Milo
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: killersmom on July 11, 2007, 01:47:34 PM
Yes, Jackie, oh so necessary! 
What would I do without you, and Jari, and Linda and Chuck and Terry and Brad and on and on . . .

Paul


Yes Paul, my good friend, the feeling is mutual. You are one of the few who have made me strong and enabled me to make the changes in my life that have so enriched my life and have made me happy at last. I thank YOU for being my friend and there for me.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: rolie on July 11, 2007, 06:49:27 PM
my first post here,
first of all i want you to know ......i love you all ....for posting all these wondelfull words in this thread.
i've been reading i guess from last april  2006 never commented,sorry.
i'm from the netherlands and i don't know how to express myself very well in englisch.
i watch bbm the 24th of april 2006 ,could't forget that date,no way,it changed my live completely.
i watched it the first time like...oke.
the morning after i woke up and i couldn't eat ,didn't know what was wrong with me.
that night my husband was at home and i said"this is a movie i want to watch with you together"
he did.
but off course he didn't like it, like i did.
so that was my second take on bbm.
that's when it hit me.
i didn't do anyhting else anymore,just watched bbm ,youtube and everything else related to bbm,dicovered this furom and fanfiction.
but it made my relationship to my family so much better,i was a person who took everything for granted,now i know that you only get one chance of a lifetime for love and i'm living it.
it made me a better person for sure.
i'm trying to let my husband know that i think this way,but he is like an ennis, i surely do love him for that,but it's more difficult.
i haven't found anyone around me who loves bbm like i do,i've let all my friends an collages watch it but they're all like ,oke good movie or even so boring ,i fell asleep on it.
don't know what it is that keeps us getting back to it.
i haven't watched bbm in almost 3 months,i'm afraid to fall back again, i'm reading a lot of fanfiction now and i must say it helps a lot to get over it.
i only read the happy endings off course.
but there are so many beautiful stories out there, i recomment them to everyone who is feeling like me.
liefs carolien


Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on July 11, 2007, 07:03:15 PM
Carolien, welcome to posting!  I've sent you a pm, honey.

The film, OUR film, has made these words true for so many of us:

"i know that you only get one chance of a lifetime for love and i'm living it.
it made me a better person for sure.
"

Please keep posting, sharing with us, honey. 

-Jackie

Oh, and your English is just fine.   ;)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: DaveinPhilly on July 12, 2007, 08:28:43 AM
Carolien - fantastic first post - so many wonderful things have happened to those truly "affected" by Brokeback. Thank you for joining the conversation!!!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: michaelflanagansf on July 12, 2007, 04:43:52 PM
I've been thinking for a bit what I'd like to say in my 10,000th post and I think it's entirely appropriate to say it in 'How Brokeback Affected Me'- because, after all, all of this is a result of the movie.

So since I've posted here last how has Brokeback affected me?  Well, I'm tempted to say that it has gotten me more involved in living.  Now I grow orchids - I had never tried that before.  Now I'm taking pictures with my digital camera (and phone camera).  And there are things like going to Operas and riding horses - some new, some continuations of things I have done before.  Before BBM I just grew cactus and my digital camera (which I won in a contest) had sat unused on a shelf for several years (that's kind of a metaphor - it's not shirts in a closet, but you get the picture).  I didn't have a camera in my phone.  So I seem to be affected in that I am both trying new things and getting together with people to revisit things that I had tried in the past.

These may seem like little things but they are symptomatic of what I have seen all around me.  People are willing to try new things - and the film challenged us to do that.  In so many ways people have tried to 'fix it' (both big and small) in terms of their lives.  People have moved to new states (and new countries).  People have gotten married.  And many have made plans to change things in their lives that they don't like now.

I continue to analyze and accept the challenge to continue to change my own life.  For me that's not new - that's what I was doing when I moved from Michigan to San Francisco in 1980 and when I accepted a tech job in 1985 and moved to working in libraries in 1999.  But it continues to be the right thing to do.  I know my answers are not the same as the answers that others will come up with - but wouldn't life be boring if we did?

I think that some of these challenges are why it has taken me longer to get to post 10,000 than it did for me to get through post 4,000.  Even though I'm a moderator I find it is essential to 'unplug' - to get involved in life off the computer - in order to 'fix it.'  And the message of Brokeback means that I don't live in the past, but continue to move forward and look at new things - to live vitally now - and sometimes living vitally means turning off the computer.

There have been some disappointments along the way.  There have been conflicts and some who were with us are no longer here - and that's sad.  But, of course, this is reflected in our day to day experiences as well and in the online world in other contexts too.  If I could give a piece of advice regarding this I'd say 'think before posting'...and then think again.  Think about how you would feel about getting the post you are giving.    If you are ever thinking about leaving think and then think again.  I think there are lots of people here who probably care about you and would miss you.  But these disappointments have to be contrasted with the positive moves that people from all 3 forums have made socializing together in real life.  And all in all it has been a great experience

One thing that I worry about is that as a group we may focus in too much on our emotions and allow them to paralyze us.  It's important to feel - but then to take actions on what we feel - whether we've been abused or bashed or lonely or left mourning a death - feel it and take a step forward.  And that step forward can be getting into therapy too (because, of course, an online community can only go so far in helping us change).  It sure has helped me in the past.  Regardless,  know that we will all support those steps forward.

I was commenting to a new friend from the forum that one of the things I'm most grateful for is that I have met people who are willing to get out and do things.  Among my long term friends I've noticed a tendency to 'settle down' and not get out much.  Perhaps one of the things we 'brokies' share is that we do not want to settle - we want to try new things.  That's a good thing to see in people.

For me what continues to be important here is that we talk about things that are meaningful to us and enriching our lives - and if that's a film in 'Gay Cinema', or a trip in the 'Railfans' thread, or a song in 'What are you listening to now', an Opera in the Opera thread or a new book in the 'what are you reading now' it lifts us up and helps fulfill us.  That's one of the things I like about my slasher friends - they have a goal (writing - or reading and commenting on others writing) and they share it and treasure it.  I may not do it too much myself, but I honor and respect that they do.  I think it's important to expand our words - to keep growing and keep changing - the get out of that 'trailer in our mind.'  I really don't think that any one thing - whether it be the perfect relationship, or the perfect story, or the perfect film - can be the 'answer' for our lives - because we have to go on living.  The world doesn't stop, it isn't fixed (in either sense of the word) in a moment.  We need to remain engaged.  And no one thing can do that - whether it be gay institutions, a marriage, kids, or our life's work.  In order to live a good life I think we have to keep trying new things and remain engaged - I hope to keep doing this myself.

How do I hope to remain engaged here now?  I would hope to continue to grow and share.  I would hope that people would find inspiration from the films and books we discuss in the film and book clubs - to continue the experience of enlightenment that we had in 'Brokeback Mountain.'  I would hope that we could discuss what the world was like for gay people in threads like 'Gay History.'  And yes - that is a plug - I want my friends here to come to my threads.  One of the best, most fulfilling things that has happened for me here since post 4,000 is meeting people in the book, film and gay history threads - they're a good, thoughtful bunch - and if you haven't encountered them you owe it to yourself - they're a real treat.

I also hope that we continue to meet people from all forums in real lives and to be engaged with one another.  We're a pretty loving bunch.

I look forward, both here and offline, to continue growing and changing with my friends - to live in a brighter, happier future.  I'll see you there.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: brian on July 12, 2007, 05:20:33 PM
Mainly sending so this new thread appears in my new thread box- have always enjoyed the old thread although after nearly 18 months not much new to report from me. I have made new friends online and met some here in Australia and of course DaveinPhilly on my trip to US in April which I count as a blessing due to Brokeback.
 Perhaps offtopic -must search for an other movie thread but last night I was blown away NEARLY as much as by Brokeback when I saw "History Boys"
The homosexual student (1983) says "I am jewish, small and homosexual, I am f...d" My heart broke.
At the end they outline what happened to the characters (apparently differs from the play - more research needed) and this same boy became a teacher, he never touched the boys, he was not unhappy but not happy either. That described my career as a teacher to a tee. Tears were streaming down my face.
Many other things I would like to research and discuss about this film and have just joined my 2nd movie forum????
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dejavu on July 12, 2007, 05:22:47 PM
I've been thinking for a bit what I'd like to say in my 10,000th post and I think it's entirely appropriate to say it in 'How Brokeback Affected Me'- because, after all, all of this is a result of the movie.

So since I've posted here last how has Brokeback affected me?  Well, I'm tempted to say that it has gotten me more involved in living. {snip} 

Michael, a very nice post.   And congratulations on your 10,000th.

Becoming more involved in living is maybe the most important goal we can set for ourselves, whatever that means to us.  That's a lesson I got in an intellectual sense from the film, but I didn't really experience it until the Estes Park BBQ.  The warmth and caring of so many wonderful people was unbelievable.

I'm making some minor changes in my personal hobbies too (for me it's not a digital camera yet, but maybe soon; right now it's a new color printer).  And I'm being more daring in terms of things about which, before, I would have have said, "Oh, no, I couldn't possibly do that."

One of these things is traveling to meet people from the BBQ, to develop a wider circle of friends.  From as short as a drive to a near suburb of Denver to eat dinner with someone from the BBQ, to the San Francisco get-together coming up in September.  And, while the plans still have to be worked out, I may spend some time in NYC for the first time -- a place which has always terrified me.

New things have a way of forcing time away from the old things, because you can't do everything all at once.  So I may not be commenting as much in the book club until all this traveling stops (I'm also back in Denver for three weeks in August) but I enjoy the books and will keep up the reading when possible.

It is interesting to see that no matter where all of us started, there are certain common themes that a lot of us have drawn both from the movie itself, and from the experience of becoming a social group with some shared interests.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: sfericsf on July 12, 2007, 06:10:02 PM
Congrats on 10K posts Michael!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on July 12, 2007, 07:00:36 PM
Michael and Brian, thanks for sharing your experiences here! 
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: whiplash on July 13, 2007, 08:02:27 PM
Congrats on 10,000 Michael - awesome post  :-*  Always love your insights.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: jlm1 on July 13, 2007, 09:10:38 PM
Michael, congratulations on your 10,000th post! You are so garrulous! It's a good thing you're also so articulate. With any luck I may soon break 30! (Of course I've been kind of busy behind the scenes.  ;)

Yes, the Brokeback phenomenon for me has also been a call to be more engaged in living, a call to leave the trailer behind. I'm glad that we are close enough together geographically to do some of that together.

One of the things that I have been impelled to do is to become more involved politically. I have been invited to become part of a coordinating committee for a progressive organization, and I've decided to jump into it. This is pretty radical for somebody who's been essentially alienated from the American political process since the Democratic convention of 1968. But I'm just not going to take it any more.

The process continues....

Jonathan

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: atruant on July 16, 2007, 04:03:47 PM
Michael,

What a terrific no. 10,000!. It gave me goosebumps, you have such an uplifting clarity to your writing and your ideas.

And it took me back to Vancouver just under a year ago when you were plotting post no. 4000 with new friends, at Hamburger Marys....

Yes, the end-run effect of Brokeback for me is continued "moving on and opening up" and enjoying new friendships with folks of like mind.

John

Title: Sudden turn of events yesterday
Post by: AWT on July 16, 2007, 05:14:05 PM
I've been away for a while, but there's been a sudden change for me: Here's a quick summary of my situation months ago (from the original forum...)

Quote
Six years ago, a small argument with my wife over something I'd forgotten to do in the
house kind of snowballed into her demanding to know why I don't show any affection - Why we hardly ever make love.

I must have been pausing too long between answers, because she was now enraged. Then
came the bombshell: "I've seen you looking at men - do you want to be with a man?"

The colour must have drained from my face - "You've been seeing men, haven't you?"
So I told her the truth. I admitted that I had always had gay fantasies but had never acted on
them. Ever. "You make me feel sick" were her final words.

Of course I can see why she felt betrayed, that she was a 'cover'. But I married her because
we were soulmates, inseparable, passionate together. I made a genuine commitment for us to
be together for the rest of our lives. I'd lied by omission though, afraid that she would leave
me if I confided this part of me. Lies are Lies, whatever their circumstances.

From that day, we never spoke about 'us' again, kissed or made love. Family life went on, we
talked about work, lived and laughed together... It was like an unspoken 'deal' had been made to save our children from the effects a broken home.

Yesterday, my wife told me she had something very important to say to me when the kids were tucked up in bed - I knew this was the end of the 'deal', but she wasn't angry or accusing - Just calmly stated that she would always love me, but it was unfair on both of us to carry on as we are.
She wants to rebuild old friendships that she has let slip since we married rather than worry about finding a new partner, and genuinely wishes me well if a relationship with another man is what I truly need. To separate as friends and ensure our kids' welfare is first and foremost, with no need for anything legal regarding maintenance.

It's the most 'here and now' experience that I've ever had in my life - I just nodded my acceptance of what she had to say, but I must be in a kind of shock as since then I haven't cried at all - My thoughts seem to be racing between despair, isolation, guilt, relief and fear for the future. I feel like the continuity of my life-path / self-image is at an end.

She's called my bluff and set me 'free' with genuine goodwill, but why do I feel so afraid even thinking about realising my personal 'brokeback'? I've buried my feelings for so long now, I have difficulty contemplating my needs without feeling guilty.

I'd love some good advice from anyone who's going through the same :(

Andy   
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Ellen (tellyouwhat) on July 16, 2007, 06:03:48 PM
Andy, I just read your post and I just had to respond, although I am not in your situation and can't relate, except for the way you said this is the most "real" encounter you have ever experienced.

Over twenty years ago, I got married to someone I knew I didn't love, and I meant to keep that my little secret.  Four years after the wedding, I broke down and confessed this to the marriage counselor.  I thought the room would be set fire if I ever confessed this.  She validated my feelings, my truth, and told me I had to build my life on the truth, whether it would be to stay in the marriage or not.  I remember walking away from that situation as if suddenly my life was on a solid foundation again, even though I had much work and heartache ahead of me -- but just because I had admitted my truth to one other person.

That is the closest I can come to imagining how you feel.

I remember reading that there is an organization to turn to that gives people who are coming out resources in how to think about doing it.  I'll see if I can find the link.

The one thing I remember is that they say it can be a slow process, if that is what you need.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: michaelflanagansf on July 16, 2007, 06:28:54 PM
Whiplash, Jonathan and John - thanks so much for your kind words!  I hope you all know you've been part of my journey here, with the get togethers in Vancouver, Chicago and San Francisco.  Thanks to you all!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on July 16, 2007, 06:42:36 PM
Andy,

I have no advice that I can give you from my own experience...but this I can say. Being set free is and can be a very scary feeling. The structure you once had is no longer. I don't know how old your children are,but living a lie isn't a good thing for them or for yourself,you know that. This is a good thing,even though it's hard to see that right now. Your friendship with your wife will be stronger,she has respect for you,and because she loves you,she is setting you free to live your life,as she is for herself.

It's okay to be uncertain of course,it's okay to be afraid. Just take one day at a time,that's all you can do. Listen to your heart,for it never lies.It's a slow process,so patience is the key factor,and know that everything is going to be alright...good luck to you both.

Nellie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Nikki on July 16, 2007, 07:09:48 PM


I don't have a dramatic story; I don't have a life changing event; I don't have an exciting epiphanic experience.  What I do have is what attracted me to the Forum -- I saw 'Brokeback Mountain,' the movie. My experience is so similar to many of you on the Forum that it's almost a cliche.  I was blown away by the acting --  Jake and Heath were Jack and Ennis. Their story was gut wrenching and poignant. This has all been said by many others and better, so I won't attempt to describe my feelings about the movie except to say that I did not cry or sob; I thought about it ---- a lot!  I bought the DVD and subsequently the CD. I listened to the music which gave me such a feeling of melancholy that I must admit, I did come close to tears a number of times.

After reading so many accounts of what the movie meant to other Forum members, and especially after reading Michael's post, I began to think about it.  I concluded that I don't have much to excite the reader except this.  I have come to understand what being gay means to so many here. I've lurked on various posts, bought 'Beyond Brokeback,' and have learned and been captivated by the heartbreak, problems, confusion, and optimism of so many, many posters.  Their courage in many cases puts me to shame as a straight female.  I have never and will never have the experiences written about here; I will never have to show such courage by having to walk away from family or siblings; I will never have to leave a spouse because I lived a lie; most of all I will never have to face my children and tell them I am a gay man or woman.  Those who have had to do so have my profoundest praise and gratitude.  Praise for your courage, and gratitude for showing me another side of humanity. You all have filled me with humility. 

Well, that's it -- not much to offer -- except to say that I will be with everyone here in spirit who is struggling to make a life, to change a life, to follow their dream, and to find love in whatever form it takes, and on whatever terms it takes. 

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: quithammerin on July 16, 2007, 07:15:04 PM
*ahem* (Is this thing on?)

I ain't a gal that preaches much (as k.d. lang says) but I have something I really want to get out as widely as possible.  So despite the fact that a couple of earlier posts on this new thread are very important and I hope get the big response they deserve, I'd like to put up a "more words than I've said in a year"  post.

After being punched in the gut by BBM, and nurtured and inspired by this forum, I've done 4 stints of public speaking, a death-defying act for me.  The place was my church, and the topic was making my church a safe and truly welcoming place for GLBT folks.  One presentation was specifically based on one of the posts on this forum, and could easily be adapted to temple, synagogue, monthly meeting.... it's been road-tested in a couple of North American churches and vetted by someone who is trained in pedagogy.  I hope you consider passing it on to someone who might take this story to a group of people you know.

With kids:

When you have a piece of paper, and two people want to share it, you tear it in half and then there are two smaller pieces of paper. When there are three or four people sharing the same paper, the pieces are even smaller.

What I like about candles is that you can light a second one from the first, and neither one gets any smaller. At Christmas time, here in this church, the whole church is full of people, and each one of them has a candle, and they all get lit from one candle at the front.  And all the lights are just as big as when there’s only one, except there are more of them. 

I think that’s how God’s love works, and how some people’s love works. When there’s more people to love, none of them gets any smaller amount of love, it just grows and grows.  You don’t have to divide up love.

I heard a great story about light and candles that I want to tell. 

It’s about a boy and a woman.  The woman lived on a ranch, and sometimes she was in charge of babysitting him. Usually they did really fun things when she was looking after him.   One day when she was in charge of looking after him, instead of doing one of the fun things, she said she wanted to talk to him about something.

So he sat there like you guys are doing now, only this was on a ranch, and it was in a beautiful spot outside, like there are on ranches.  The woman told the boy that  she thought he was very special, she thought  that God had made him so that he would grow up different from other men and that one day would understand that. She told him that no matter what, he had to believe that Jesus loved him very much, that he was born to carry a special light, a light that would give the world a sacred brightness. 

She told him that there would be people who would not understand and there would be some who would be cruel to him because he was different but no matter what, he had to remember that he was born under a special star and had that special light to carry to the world.  She also told him that she would always be his friend and that she would be there as my friend if he wanted to talk. 

When I heard that story I wanted to tell all of the kids here that they each have a special light to carry. You might grow up to be teenagers and grownups in a place where there are lots of people like you, or where there are hardly any people like you. But it is possible that you might grow up and find that there are people who don’t understand you and are so cruel that you feel very alone and so much sadness that you forget that you have a special light to carry.

I hope nobody feels that way now.

I’m willing to bet that if you ever feel that alone, there is somebody sitting here in this church right now who would be your friend if you wanted to talk to them about it.   Someone who would cheer you up and help you remember that you carry a special light.  And that light is never any smaller because of someone else’s light.


With rest of Congregation:

This is the sequel to the story I told the kids.

The boy in the story I told the kids became a teenager.  He found out that the woman was in the hospital dying of lung cancer and he went to see her. 

By then he had an idea what she was had been talking about all those years before: he was gay. When he walked into the hospital room, she at once reached for hand and said "How is my fire child?"  They made small talk for a few minutes and then he told her "I know now what you were talking to me about that day in the aspen grove."  She squeezed his hand again and said  "Are you alright?"  He told her he was and they talked for over four hours.

During that conversation, the woman told this teenager that her brother had taken his own life at the age of 21.  Now I believe depression and suicide are complex issues that we are not able to control many times, but the people in this story belonged to a conservative church that repeated to this brother that God could not love him as he was, that he could not be loved. The woman was sure that this had driven her brother to the despair that led to his suicide. That’s why she took a rather bewildered 10 year old boy aside and told him that that God had made him different from other men and that one day would understand what that difference was. She told him that no matter what, he had to believe that Jesus loved him, that he was born to carry a special light, a light that gave the world a sacred brightness. 

This is the story of a friend of mine who lives in a different city.  He’s a successful business owner, and he has found love: he has shared his life with another man for 15 years, and he is a faithful Christian believer, although he has left the church he was raised in. He spent some year struggling with the demons of loneliness, alienation and self-destructive behavior, but he did not succumb to them.

When he was giving permission for me to tell you his story, he told me he doesn't know what he would have done without those four hours, that they were among the most important minutes of his life.  Although the woman died a couple of weeks later, he felt like he had lost his best friend.  She was the only person on earth who truly knew him then. 

When he first told me that story, [after I went through half a box of Kleenex] I knew I wanted this church to be a place where everyone who walks in those doors, walks out again believing they can be loved, that they have a sacred light to carry to the world, something wonderful and important.  There are things that can be a barrier to that belief, like being in a minority about sexual orientation or gender identity.   I wanted us to be people who know how to get past the fear, the discomfort, the mistrust; It’s not a dream about us coming here to be perfect, it’s a dream of us learning to be people who know how to open our hearts.

So that's what I wanted to tell you.  I'm putting this here because if it reaches just one other person, and changes just one more child's life, the effort will be worthwhile (and so will my taking up all this room for one post!).

You people are all great, thanks for being here - for me, for each other. 
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on July 16, 2007, 07:15:54 PM


<snip>

 Those who have had to do so have my profoundest praise and gratitude.  Praise for your courage, and gratitude for showing me another side of humanity. You all have filled me with humility. 

Well, that's it -- not much to offer -- except to say that I will be with everyone here in spirit who is struggling to make a life, to change a life, to follow their dream, and to find love in whatever form it takes, and on whatever terms it takes. 



Never say that you have nothing to offer...you just did...thank you so much for putting it so beautifully.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on July 16, 2007, 07:23:18 PM

<snip>

So that's what I wanted to tell you.  I'm putting this here because if it reaches just one other person, and changes just one more child's life, the effort will be worthwhile (and so will my taking up all this room for one post!).

You people are all great, thanks for being here - for me, for each other. 


So glad you did...I remember this...you told us this a while ago?...so glad you did again,because it's something not to be forgotten...and I hope that it will reach people,for the newbies or for whomever!!  It warms the heart and keeps the spirit strong...Hugs to you!!

Nellie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: quithammerin on July 16, 2007, 07:29:26 PM
Hugs to you, too!!   It wasn't me who put this up before,  but the story itself was on the Gay & Christian thread. (It was Osprey's post, I'm sure he won't mind if I say that)   Had me in tears for days, and I just had to do something about it.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Nikki on July 16, 2007, 07:30:48 PM


Thanks Nellie, for your kind words.

Nikki
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on July 16, 2007, 07:32:22 PM
Hugs to you, too!!   It wasn't me who put this up before,  but the story itself was on the Gay & Christian thread. (It was Osprey's post, I'm sure he won't mind if I say that)   Had me in tears for days, and I just had to do something about it.

THAT"S where I heard it!!...oh I'm sure he won't mind...it brought tears to my eyes as well and so glad you acted on it...you're sweet and thanks for thinking of all of us....

I love this thread!!  ;D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on July 16, 2007, 07:33:45 PM


Thanks Nellie, for your kind words.

Nikki

 ;D ;D  :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on July 16, 2007, 07:54:28 PM

The process continues....

Jonathan


Jonathan, this simple statement grabbed me...that is what dear Michael was talking about in his MAGNIFICENT post.  (Thank you, darling Michael.)

This is what we all are trying to deal with...the process continues...life continues... WE continue....don't we? 

-Jackie
Title: Re: Sudden turn of events yesterday
Post by: paintedshoes on July 16, 2007, 08:04:59 PM

She's called my bluff and set me 'free' with genuine goodwill, but why do I feel so afraid even thinking about realising my personal 'brokeback'? I've buried my feelings for so long now, I have difficulty contemplating my needs without feeling guilty.

I'd love some good advice from anyone who's going through the same :(

Andy   
Andy...darling...like tellyouwhat, I have not gone through what you must now deal with, but...

I, too, buried real feelings for so long that I forgot what they were.  Is that what you fear?  Not really uinderstanding what you are entitled to as a human being?  What you are entitled to...kind of scary, isn't it, honey?  For you ARE entitled to live the authentic life that you are meant to live...and it IS frightening, especially when you have never known that option.  But, now that option is yours, and you ARE entitled to it, and you have a right to it, and it is not easy.  So, don't push yourself, don't rush to anything.  Savor this moment, honey.  Think about the possibilities with wonder and joy, not guilt.  The wonderful woman you married may understand you more than you understand yourself right now...and that is ok...the great thing is that there are no deadlines, no limits, no anything, but the time you need to find what is good for you...and it will come, friend, it will come...let it come when and as it will...don't force anything.  And in the meantime, you have us, your Brokeback family.  We will hold you, and sustain you, and care for you...I'm glad you are here, Andy. 

-Jackie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: neatfreak on July 16, 2007, 09:10:39 PM
After being punched in the gut by BBM, and nurtured and inspired by this forum, I've done 4 stints of public speaking, a death-defying act for me.  The place was my church, and the topic was making my church a safe and truly welcoming place for GLBT folks.  One presentation was specifically based on one of the posts on this forum, and could easily be adapted to temple, synagogue, monthly meeting....I hope you consider passing it on to someone who might take this story to a group of people you know.

{snip}

I'm putting this here because if it reaches just one other person, and changes just one more child's life, the effort will be worthwhile...

I "road-tested" this message in a Sunday School lesson to elementary children (just the children's portion). The children were engaged in the story and their responses afterward showed that it really struck home for many of them. I think this is a beautiful example of the "ripples" set in motion when BBM was first written. Quithammerin, you continue to widen the scope of its effect, and I salute you. Thank you for risking your own discomfort to get the message out!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on July 16, 2007, 10:01:45 PM
AWT- Andy...

I lived all of my life until I hit 46 as a closeted gay man.

I've had many relationships through the years, most with women, only one with a man, (aside from Nick), 'cause I grew up in a rather "religious" family who I knew would never accept me as I was.

I also grew up in a broken home. My parents divorced when I was six. Dad remarried, Mom never did. I lived with Mom. Never really knowing what a healthy and loving relationship was all about.

Remain close to your children, no matter what, 'cause what you show them through your example will set them up for life. Continue a friendly and caring relationship with their mother while living a mature and healthy one with the man you eventually become one with.

Whatever happens with your life, and the life of your children and wife, know that there are many here supporting you along the way, cheering you on.

Rob
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on July 16, 2007, 10:04:41 PM
Michael...

Mikey...

Your words are wise and make me happy to consider you a friend,

Hugs, bud, know that I'm thinking of you and looking forward to your upcoming visit!

Boo

(PS Avoid Enumclaw and Spanaway.)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on July 16, 2007, 10:08:44 PM
Nellie,

I'm overjoyed seeing your avatar back! It brought smiles over a year ago, is bringing them back now!

Love and hugs,

Missing you,

Rob
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: quithammerin on July 16, 2007, 10:18:12 PM

.... and have learned and been captivated by the heartbreak, problems, confusion, and optimism of so many, many posters.  Their courage in many cases puts me to shame as a straight female.  I have never and will never have the experiences written about here; I will never have to show such courage by having to walk away from family or siblings; I will never have to leave a spouse because I lived a lie; most of all I will never have to face my children and tell them I am a gay man or woman.  Those who have had to do so have my profoundest praise and gratitude.  Praise for your courage, and gratitude for showing me another side of humanity. You all have filled me with humility. 

Well, that's it -- not much to offer -- except to say that I will be with everyone here in spirit who is struggling to make a life, to change a life, to follow their dream, and to find love in whatever form it takes, and on whatever terms it takes. 

um, may not seem like much to offer, but I just read this now, and it's terrific - speaks to me, anyway, especially the bolded parts,  because it's where I am, too.  Sums up the last year of my life, actually....thanks for putting it so well.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: michaelflanagansf on July 16, 2007, 10:35:15 PM
Michael...

Mikey...

Your words are wise and make me happy to consider you a friend,

Hugs, bud, know that I'm thinking of you and looking forward to your upcoming visit!

Boo

(PS Avoid Enumclaw and Spanaway.)

Thanks Rob...much love to you too!  :-*

(I'm allergic to dander - I think I'm safe.... ;))
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Ellen (tellyouwhat) on July 16, 2007, 10:45:37 PM
Michael, congratulations on your 10,000th post! You are so garrulous! It's a good thing you're also so articulate. With any luck I may soon break 30! (Of course I've been kind of busy behind the scenes.  ;)

Yes, the Brokeback phenomenon for me has also been a call to be more engaged in living, a call to leave the trailer behind. I'm glad that we are close enough together geographically to do some of that together.

One of the things that I have been impelled to do is to become more involved politically. I have been invited to become part of a coordinating committee for a progressive organization, and I've decided to jump into it. This is pretty radical for somebody who's been essentially alienated from the American political process since the Democratic convention of 1968. But I'm just not going to take it any more.
The process continues....

Jonathan



Jonathan, this is fabulous!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Nikki on July 16, 2007, 11:28:57 PM


quithammerin, thanks so much for your kind words.  If I touched you in any way, I am privileged and honored.

Nikki
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: michaelflanagansf on July 16, 2007, 11:55:34 PM
quithammerin, thanks so much for your kind words.  If I touched you in any way, I am privileged and honored.

Nikki

Nikki, I just wanted to let you know that I appreciated your post here as well.  And I also wanted to share with you that I too have been very moved by the bravery of some of the people who have had to face a spouse or children (like Andy).  In a way I think it was much simpler for me, knowing from the time I was a young teen - and I have to admit that what some would have thought of as bravery at being 'out' at a young age is probably also due in part to my stubborn nature.  :D  I just wasn't going to let anyone tell me what I could and couldn't do.

And, btw, your kind and supportive presence here is much appreciated (as is yours Q.H.).  Thank you!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on July 17, 2007, 12:15:33 AM
Michael...

Mikey...

Your words are wise and make me happy to consider you a friend,

Hugs, bud, know that I'm thinking of you and looking forward to your upcoming visit!

Boo

(PS Avoid Enumclaw and Spanaway.)



Thanks Rob...much love to you too!  :-*

(I'm allergic to dander - I think I'm safe.... ;))

Oh no, Mikey, don't tell me that!

I have a dog, two cats and a bird!

Lord love a duck, as Dad used to say!!!

 ;D

(I'll find you an activated carbon dust mask, if I can!!!)

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: jack on July 17, 2007, 01:17:24 AM
quithammerin, thanks so much for your kind words.  If I touched you in any way, I am privileged and honored.

Nikki

Nikki, I just wanted to let you know that I appreciated your post here as well.  And I also wanted to share with you that I too have been very moved by the bravery of some of the people who have had to face a spouse or children (like Andy).  In a way I think it was much simpler for me, knowing from the time I was a young teen - and I have to admit that what some would have thought of as bravery at being 'out' at a young age is probably also due in part to my stubborn nature.  :D  I just wasn't going to let anyone tell me what I could and couldn't do.

And, btw, your kind and supportive presence here is much appreciated (as is yours Q.H.).  Thank you!

let me add to what michael said that we gay men and lesbians, and all the other initials, will never have sufficient numbers to achieve our own full civil rights and/or such such inclusion in our respective religious bodies as we would wish on our own.  it is ONLY through the willingness and bravery of you straight family and friends, and your willingness to go to the barricades with and for us, that this might ever be achieved.

i remember the sixties when i risked much to support desegregation and voter rights marches in the south, and fight the more subtle discrimination in the northern industrial states.  without white support at critical junctures and in critical votes the results STILL wouldn't be in on the civil rights movement.

i also stood with the feminist movement knowing the injustices and marginalization were wrong.  would that those who profited from unknown gay supporters return the favor and support, from their position of having been there not so long ago.

for her work, coretta scott king will be my hero forever.  she carried on and surpassed her husbands gallantry.

thank you

jack
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Nikki on July 17, 2007, 10:10:33 AM


Michael and Jack,

Thank you both.  I am overwhelmed by your kind words.

Nikki
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Bobby19in1963 on July 17, 2007, 12:23:48 PM
Nellie:  It reached me and I passed it on to my daughter who is in charge of at least 100 little children aged 3-12 in her ward of the church.

Bobby


<snip>

So that's what I wanted to tell you.  I'm putting this here because if it reaches just one other person, and changes just one more child's life, the effort will be worthwhile (and so will my taking up all this room for one post!).

You people are all great, thanks for being here - for me, for each other. 


So glad you did...I remember this...you told us this a while ago?...so glad you did again,because it's something not to be forgotten...and I hope that it will reach people,for the newbies or for whomever!!  It warms the heart and keeps the spirit strong...Hugs to you!!

Nellie
Title: Re: Sudden turn of events yesterday
Post by: Bobby19in1963 on July 17, 2007, 01:11:50 PM
She's called my bluff and set me 'free' with genuine goodwill, but why do I feel so afraid even thinking about realising my personal 'brokeback'? I've buried my feelings for so long now, I have difficulty contemplating my needs without feeling guilty.

I'd love some good advice from anyone who's going through the same :(

Andy   

Andy:

AHappyMan sent me a PM on your post, because he knows I don't get around the Forum much these days.

Thanx! for sharing.  If you've read any of my story you know that we are in similar circumstances, except from the time we had our 'talk' and I came out to my wife, it was only four months until she gave me my freedom by asking me to move out, which I have done.  After reading your post I realized that my wife really does want my happiness...even though it is very hard for me to understand.  She was so mean to me for so many years, it is hard for me to look at her as a nice person.

I'm in the same place as you are essentially about 'realizing a Brokeback experience.'  I mean the love that Our Boys had, not the challenges ... no one wants that crap.  Mine is complicated by my Shy Bladder Syndrome, which I talk about more freely here on the Forum than I ever have anywhere else.  I believe this phobia actually saved me from the AIDS epidemic earlier in my life...since I could never pee around men (or anyone) and since I had not come out to myself at all, I've been doubly closeted I guess you'd say for all my life.  My spirit is a gay one (no pun intended) and I love a party and fun, so I would have been right in the drugging and sexing and all of that, I am sure.  Many of my closest friends from college are dead now from AIDS.  I didn't know that until recently, when I met up with an old friend from those years of the '60's.  We never talked about being gay, or exhibited any

Now, I am free of any entanglements from my wife.  I am trying to decide to be free from any entanglements of religion...much harder since I am Mormon.  I am just beginning, with help from AHappyMan and CANSTANDIT to explore the possibilities of a gay life...my therapist wants me to be 'out there' also.

So, I feel for you.  It is not easy.  In fact, in my new apartment my kitchen is so small it might as well be a trailer kitchen.  I even think Ennis' kitchen is larger than mine.  It just dawned on me that my 'cute little apartment' as AHappyMan calls it...is really as much a trailer as it is an apartment.

The difference is...my friends on the Forum...who have stepped out of the electronic world we live in here, and have taken me to dinner, given me hugs, invited me to their homes, and become some of my best friends in life.

PM me bud, if you think we can work on anything together.

Love ya'll,

Bobby
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on July 17, 2007, 01:55:04 PM
Nellie:  It reached me and I passed it on to my daughter who is in charge of at least 100 little children aged 3-12 in her ward of the church.

Bobby


<snip>

So that's what I wanted to tell you.  I'm putting this here because if it reaches just one other person, and changes just one more child's life, the effort will be worthwhile (and so will my taking up all this room for one post!).

You people are all great, thanks for being here - for me, for each other. 


So glad you did...I remember this...you told us this a while ago?...so glad you did again,because it's something not to be forgotten...and I hope that it will reach people,for the newbies or for whomever!!  It warms the heart and keeps the spirit strong...Hugs to you!!

Nellie

I'm so glad Bobby!!   :-*...you're a doll!!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Ellen (tellyouwhat) on July 17, 2007, 01:56:34 PM
Bobby, not all trailers are symbolic of loneliness.  Ennis' is.  You have more of a social life and friends who are supporting you spiritually.  Plus they know the real you.  It sounds to me very different from ennis' trailer.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on July 17, 2007, 02:02:07 PM
Nellie,

I'm overjoyed seeing your avatar back! It brought smiles over a year ago, is bringing them back now!

Love and hugs,

Missing you,

Rob

Aww, thanks sweetheart...I was tired of looking at myself and put the little Rican shaking her bon bons...bwahaha

glad I brought a smile to your cute face...missing you like crazy...so I'm sending you some hugs from Chicago...okay?

Love ya  (( Rob ))

Nell xo

AND BOBBY......

I agree with Ms. Tellyouwhat ...you're not living in a trailer..it's much more than that..to me it's only the beginning of what's going to happen in the future..this is only your resting place...your place of dreams and new beginnings ,doll. Soon enough it will surely transform into something you've been awaiting for so long...just because it's small,doesn't make a damn difference...there are people out there living in mansions..and to them,they are living a trailer life...but not you buddy....not you!!

Nellie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: twtplanner on July 21, 2007, 08:08:34 PM
The friendships that began as a cyber-share, under cover of anonymity, have become real and personal and necessary . . .

Yes, Jackie, oh so necessary! 
What would I do without you, and Jari, and Linda and Chuck and Terry and Brad and on and on . . .

Paul

Ah, Paul.  You're a sweet, good, man, in possession of a wonderful heart.  I'm happy to have met you too.  and I too carry the memory of the wknd in SA close.  I'm a better man for having met you.

terry
 
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: MiralParis7 on July 22, 2007, 01:28:38 PM
Hi there. This is Miral Paris. I have a new address, though, cause I forgot my old one.

My story is that BBM put me in touch with the part of me that misses passion and romance. I had that when I was dating, but I have really missed it in my marriage. I love my hubby--he is truly my soulmate--because for various reasons he's not the passionate type; doesn't like kissing and not much interested in sex. I had talked before that now that we are 46 and 51, I felt that that passionate time of my life was gone. Well, maybe if he dies first I'll be a 70-year-old match.com person.

Anyway, things are looking up! I took the reins (ha) and acted very differently the last time we made love (a few hours ago, actually). I have been reading Lori's Two Crows Joy story (you must read it) and what I really wanted was the romance. Long and languid kisses, longing touching, looking into each other's eyes and later lots of moaning. I hope this is not too explicit. I am trying to be poetic here.

Anyhoo, rather than wait for him to want this and do it, I just acted like this myself. I started the slow, languid kisses and he just followed my lead. The touching, smelling hair, fingers lightly trailing over warm, sensitive skin. Like Ennis, for me smell is a real turn on.

Anyway, I really didn't realize I had the power all along (click my heels twice) to make it more what I wanted. Especially the KISSING, and overall longer and more drawn out. And it worked, and the results were, uh, quite good. I think it helps that we celebrated our 16th anniversary yesterday (had a blast on a canoe trip) and it was a Designated Romantic Weekend.  So, thanks to BBM, my romantic life is getting better!

Speaking of the story I mentioned (TCJ) plis Human Interest, I am feeling so much more settled--don't know if that word is good, but it's the opporite of the haunted feeling when everything in the film/book turns to shit. If you don't know the stories, it's a alternate universe where they get together adter Ennis' divorce. The story is about their life and their family life to gether on the "Brokeback Ranch." All is not happiness and joy for them, but they always have each other, and their personal growth (especially Ennis') and relationship growth is tremendous. Not to mention lots of smut alternating with great plot, characterizations and a cast of other characters.

I look forward to getting to know everyone.

Miral
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Nax on July 23, 2007, 02:37:09 AM
Hi Miral, nice to see you hear, it is amazing what we can do when we try approaching something from a different angle  ;)  Good for you  ;D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: myrine on July 23, 2007, 02:09:54 PM
How BBM affected me. Okay. Answering this is particularly hard for me, but it’s a good place to start. I got to say that I’m a lurker, mostly, and that I’ve read nearly everything you guys have written about this movie. It took time, but now I’m almost updated. Hell, I even think in terms of “FNIT”, “SNIT”, etc.

Why is it difficult, then? All right, well, maybe it has to do with the fact that this film is something that has become so personal for me - and for every one of you too, of course. I can say it did affect me. How? Fine, I’ll try.

I went to see BBM with a friend one night (I still keep the tickets in my wallet, even if the ink’s almost erased) and what I can say is that I didn’t come out the same. I went in all happy, cheery and talky and came out as if I had been repeatedly slugged against a wall and punched in the stomach while I watched someone dear to me dying slowly. My friend came out as she had come in (but that goes in another topic), but I had people staring at me on the way home. I’m sure my face was quite a sight. I was devastated on the outside and destroyed on the inside. But I did not cry, not the first time; I was “just” shocked. When the film ended and the credits began to roll I just sat there, muttering “it’s a tragedy, it’s a tragedy, it wasn’t their fault” like a crazy person. Of course, ‘He was a friend of mine’, just added the kiss of death to my state of mind. I felt both dead and extremely alive at the same time.

That night I couldn’t sleep, and when I finally could, I woke up a dozen times, mixing my dreams with certain scenes of the movie. It’s like I didn’t know what hit me, but it had hit me so hard. Of course, nobody understood me, not even the friend I went to see it with. No one was interested in this movie but me. No wonder I felt it like something mine, and no wonder many of you feel that too, even after finding this place, this forum. Most of us have had a period of “this movie is mine” since no one else could enter your state of mind.

I don’t know what it would’ve done to me if my life had any contextual similarities with those of Jack, Ennis or their families, but it doesn’t. First of all, I’m 23, and I’ve only gone out with girls since I was 19. Yes, I’ve suffered, but not like any of them. My mom won’t even talk to me about anything to do with my sexuality; she likes to pretend I don’t have one, and she must be blind to my bedroom walls, which have been plastered with singers and actresses since that determinant age. But I haven’t been seriously prejudiced by people on the street when they’ve seen me with someone, or by my friends. They know, they don’t care. Okay, so their supposed ages at the beginning of the movie and Alma Junior’s age at the end did kinda ring a bell, but what I mean is that nothing contextual related to me at first sight – not in age or background. I didn’t even feel attraction towards anyone in it (except a platonic one, of course).

I had to go deeper into the movie, then, as the movie did go deep into me. There is a certain “basicness” in the film that makes all of us understand – that made me understand. I hadn’t even seen the trailer, so I just sat down expecting to see something that could be “quite good”, that could win some Oscars. That was the movie-geek in me. But I must say that I go to watch movies like other people go to church, so when I find that movie, my world turns upside down in revelation, and it will always work for me, it's like a love at first sight that can be revisited.

That “basicness” got me, because I had lived it, the longing, the waiting, the insecurities and even the loss (although nothing as terrible as a death, of course). I didn’t expect the FNIT, but I understood it in its rawness, like many of their gestures and the reunion kiss. These guys were real, that they couldn’t be what they weren’t, that everything was just right. The morning after the FNIT was absolutely real to me. I totally adored Ennis’s hesitant attitude during the SNIT. That also was absolutely real. But the first scene that grabbed me and kneed me in the stomach was Ennis’s breakdown in the alley. That was the most real thing I’d ever seen (and it's a movie!). It was beautiful, it was terrible, it was authentic and I understood. That I had lived, the mixture between being sick and feeling like crying, but not actually doing none of those things.

I could go on, but why should I summarize the whole movie again for you, if you know it just like I do or better? Just wanted to express that I wasn’t the same person, not exactly. I cared so much for them, and the movie had ended. What could I do? For days I just dwelled there, sometimes in this part of the movie, sometimes in that part, but always inside it. And I still remain haunted by it. When all the depression started to wash off, I just felt like wanting to grasp life with my bare hands. My life. My time. The years that I got to do what I can with them. Don’t let things go. Don’t let things unsaid. Don’t keep yourself from feeling something. I try to do all those things.

And now I’ll apologize for the endless rambling, but it was good to write this.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on July 23, 2007, 02:35:11 PM

<snip>

I could go on, but why should I summarize the whole movie again for you, if you know it just like I do or better? Just wanted to express that I wasn't the same person, not exactly. I cared so much for them, and the movie had ended. What could I do? For days I just dwelled there, sometimes in this part of the movie, sometimes in that part, but always inside it. And I still remain haunted by it. When all the depression started to wash off, I just felt like wanting to grasp life with my bare hands. My life. My time. The years that I got to do what I can with them. Don’t let things go. Don’t let things unsaid. Don’t keep yourself from feeling something. I try to do all those things.

And now I’ll apologize for the endless rambling, but it was good to write this.

Oh wow girl.....thanks for spitting out your feelings....and don't ya dare apologize,God only knows how many times we all came in here and ranted on....whew!!

The quote in bold print says it all for me...shit,my life is so different now...hit me like a ton of bricks. And even after I said what I thought was going on in my head,I still had people in this Forum,good friends of mine,tell me like it is..rubbed my face in it..made me understand...and I am forever grateful...I no longer wish I had more..I only thank God for what I have...I try to NEVER leave things unsaid...even after I say them and run like hell because I think I'm dorking out or something....in PM's, e-mails or phone calls...whatever....I always say I love you ....the list goes on...

I stare out the window and look at the birds eating off the bird feeder I put out there the other day...saw that the darn squirrels were there too and then a cute little bunny hopped over....I smiled and that warm feeling over took me....just the simple things in life.The simple pleasures...that's what it's all about...

I want to thank you Myrine...for allowing us to share your thoughts,your feelings....I hear ya!

your friend,

Nellie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: PowerOfLove on July 23, 2007, 02:39:11 PM
How BBM affected me. Okay. Answering this is particularly hard for me, but it’s a good place to start. I got to say that I’m a lurker, mostly, and that I’ve read nearly everything you guys have written about this movie. It took time, but now I’m almost updated. Hell, I even think in terms of “FNIT”, “SNIT”, etc.

Why is it difficult, then? All right, well, maybe it has to do with the fact that this film is something that has become so personal for me - and for every one of you too, of course. I can say it did affect me. How? Fine, I’ll try.

I went to see BBM with a friend one night (I still keep the tickets in my wallet, even if the ink’s almost erased) and what I can say is that I didn’t come out the same. I went in all happy, cheery and talky and came out as if I had been repeatedly slugged against a wall and punched in the stomach while I watched someone dear to me dying slowly. My friend came out as she had come in (but that goes in another topic), but I had people staring at me on the way home. I’m sure my face was quite a sight. I was devastated on the outside and destroyed on the inside. But I did not cry, not the first time; I was “just” shocked. When the film ended and the credits began to roll I just sat there, muttering “it’s a tragedy, it’s a tragedy, it wasn’t their fault” like a crazy person. Of course, ‘He was a friend of mine’, just added the kiss of death to my state of mind. I felt both dead and extremely alive at the same time.

That night I couldn’t sleep, and when I finally could, I woke up a dozen times, mixing my dreams with certain scenes of the movie. It’s like I didn’t know what hit me, but it had hit me so hard. Of course, nobody understood me, not even the friend I went to see it with. No one was interested in this movie but me. No wonder I felt it like something mine, and no wonder many of you feel that too, even after finding this place, this forum. Most of us have had a period of “this movie is mine” since no one else could enter your state of mind.

I don’t know what it would’ve done to me if my life had any contextual similarities with those of Jack, Ennis or their families, but it doesn’t. First of all, I’m 23, and I’ve only gone out with girls since I was 19. Yes, I’ve suffered, but not like any of them. My mom won’t even talk to me about anything to do with my sexuality; she likes to pretend I don’t have one, and she must be blind to my bedroom walls, which have been plastered with singers and actresses since that determinant age. But I haven’t been seriously prejudiced by people on the street when they’ve seen me with someone, or by my friends. They know, they don’t care. Okay, so their supposed ages at the beginning of the movie and Alma Junior’s age at the end did kinda ring a bell, but what I mean is that nothing contextual related to me at first sight – not in age or background. I didn’t even feel attraction towards anyone in it (except a platonic one, of course).

I had to go deeper into the movie, then, as the movie did go deep into me. There is a certain “basicness” in the film that makes all of us understand – that made me understand. I hadn’t even seen the trailer, so I just sat down expecting to see something that could be “quite good”, that could win some Oscars. That was the movie-geek in me. But I must say that I go to watch movies like other people go to church, so when I find that movie, my world turns upside down in revelation, and it will always work for me, it's like a love at first sight that can be revisited.

That “basicness” got me, because I had lived it, the longing, the waiting, the insecurities and even the loss (although nothing as terrible as a death, of course). I didn’t expect the FNIT, but I understood it in its rawness, like many of their gestures and the reunion kiss. These guys were real, that they couldn’t be what they weren’t, that everything was just right. The morning after the FNIT was absolutely real to me. I totally adored Ennis’s hesitant attitude during the SNIT. That also was absolutely real. But the first scene that grabbed me and kneed me in the stomach was Ennis’s breakdown in the alley. That was the most real thing I’d ever seen (and it's a movie!). It was beautiful, it was terrible, it was authentic and I understood. That I had lived, the mixture between being sick and feeling like crying, but not actually doing none of those things.

I could go on, but why should I summarize the whole movie again for you, if you know it just like I do or better? Just wanted to express that I wasn’t the same person, not exactly. I cared so much for them, and the movie had ended. What could I do? For days I just dwelled there, sometimes in this part of the movie, sometimes in that part, but always inside it. And I still remain haunted by it. When all the depression started to wash off, I just felt like wanting to grasp life with my bare hands. My life. My time. The years that I got to do what I can with them. Don’t let things go. Don’t let things unsaid. Don’t keep yourself from feeling something. I try to do all those things.

And now I’ll apologize for the endless rambling, but it was good to write this.


No need to appologize for your rambling. It is great to see you come in here and have so many enlighting things to say to all of us!
What you said made complete sense. Most people here can relate to you 100% ESPECIALLY the effect the movie had on all of us after our first viewing.
Once again, welcome to the forum and I hope to see you posting more often!!
Take care

Power of Love
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on July 23, 2007, 06:13:25 PM
Myrine, there is no reason to apologize for your post!

Thank you for taking time to write it, and share it all with us, and adding to our experiences!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on July 23, 2007, 06:14:55 PM
MiralParis7, thank you for your post as well, and adding to our experiences as well!

look forward to getting to know you, too!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: bradINblue on July 23, 2007, 07:08:02 PM
Myrine, thanks for sharing your impact story. Many common threads with so many of us. It's also nice to hear your perception of the tolerance in others. We are lucky to be living in 2007 and not 1963. Set good examples in your life (which it sounds like you are doing) and accept you for you and your mother will come around me thinks.

Brad
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on July 23, 2007, 11:26:03 PM
Myrine....

Nellie, Brad, PowerofLove, have stated it beautifully already.  Welcome, darling friend.  What you say is important,and we are grateful.  Thank you, honey, and WELCOME HOME.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: AWT on July 24, 2007, 03:52:55 AM
Myrine,

Please don't feel you're rambling - That was a beautiful, eloquent post.

Everyone arrived here one way or another because BBM is one of those once-in-a-lifetime films that force you to hold a mirror to yourself and finally realise that you have no option but to be authentic in your life.
In my case, I will have to move out of the family home but even in my darkest moments I know that once the dust settles my wife will always remain my best friend.

Andy

 
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: freetraveller on July 24, 2007, 04:18:00 AM
Myrine,
what a moving, heartfelt post.
Welcome here and don't be afraid of "rambling" more often.
Your reactions to the movie are so similar to mine and to many others, I'm sure.
I didn't cry when I saw it the first time, I was mostly in shock. It took me a second, and third viewing, to let the full impact of the movie hit me hard and to move me like no other movie had done before.

Best wishes,
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: JohnnyX on July 24, 2007, 07:11:33 AM
Hi there. This is Miral Paris. I have a new address, though, cause I forgot my old one.

My story is that BBM put me in touch with the part of me that misses passion and romance. I had that when I was dating, but I have really missed it in my marriage. I love my hubby--he is truly my soulmate--because for various reasons he's not the passionate type; doesn't like kissing and not much interested in sex. I had talked before that now that we are 46 and 51, I felt that that passionate time of my life was gone. Well, maybe if he dies first I'll be a 70-year-old match.com person.

Anyway, things are looking up! I took the reins (ha) and acted very differently ... "

Hello Miral. My apologies for not having answered your questions to me on the original Affected thread.

There, you asked me this:
"First, to Johnny X: I can't believe we have so much in common. Both partners with skin diseases? You'll have to explain how I can send a private message so I can ask you more about that.

Confused: You spoke about a wife, then also a man partner who broke your heart. I can think of several scenarios under which that might happen, but I'l rather be filled in...."


My responses:
First: PMs: When you log on, a box at the top of the page says something like:
"Hello MiralParis7 you have xxx messages ..."   The NUMBER of messages will be underlined. Just click on that hyperlink and it will take you to the PM facility. There you can read each one.
To reply, just hit "Quote" and put your comments AFTER the last quote box on the page.
You can edit the quote, just by going into it and deleting whatever you don't want to send.
(just don't delete the stuff within square brackets though, as they are the cues to the system for the quotes.)
You can also write WITHIN that quotation if you wish, but try to use a different colour, all capitals, etc. to differentiate your comments from the original.

Alternatively, instead of hitting "Quote", just hit "Reply", where you just start writing whatever you want; and none of the original message will be included. (unless you copy and paste it from the copy of it further down the page).  HTH somewhat.


NEXT: on to ME. My apologies again, this time for the confusion which I caused by being too brief in my reply. My stories are in Affected, but I will try to give you here a brief synopsis of how BBM affected me.

I saw BBM, and came to this site, as a straight, long-married monogamous man, with a loving wife, and two adult children.

Several years ago I saw a psychologist after realising that I had fallen in love with a male work colleague. BUT I was emphatic that it was purely an emotional love, and NOT physical or sexual.
That psychologist suggested that I should do some reading about male sexuality; and suggested the studies of Masters and Johnson to start with.  Well, I still haven't got to them, but have read a lot elsewhere on the topic. This enquiry process impelled me to see BBM.  Like you and so many of our friends on here, I was blown away by it, and received the Kick in the Guts from it which many of us recognise.  Most of all, I was outraged at the true INJUSTICES which that film portrayed, as suffered by males who love other males.  BTW: Jack and Ennis are 3 years older than I am; so I can relate very well to their contexts in SO MANY ways.

After reading on this site for a long time, I finally raised the courage to join, and to post on Affected.  In those pre-troll days on here, we could PM each other immediately upon joining, and I started PMs with a few fellow-travellers in here.

Within days, after spending up to 6 hours online together each night, I knew that I had fallen head-over-heels in love with another man on this list; who is also married -- but to another man.   So THAT is why my original reply to you was so confusing.
He was very supportive and understanding and loving, in response to my emotional turmoil at so many things, including the fact that I still did (and still do) love my wife DEEPLY and wish to spend the rest of my life with her; AND at my heterosexual and homophobic realisation for the first time in my life that I wanted  to have a physical relationship with this new wonderful man in my life. (He and I got into cyber-sex). The love that he and I developed, however, soon caused him emotional turmoil; and we had both decided previously that if either of our marriages became at risk because of our relationship, then it would have to end. Before long we had to end it: just over 11 months ago. I still CRAVE him; but at long last the pain has finally gone! Just the love and the craving and wishing and hoping etc remains. He refuses to reply to my messages. (I can understand that in the circumstances; but it still hurts me greatly).   What has saved me has been the love of two very special other men on this list, who I treasure greatly, and have had the great pleasure of meeting in person. I am also being sustained by wonderful and regular communications with several other very special people from this list.

So, where am I now?  By falling in love in this way, I have broken my wife's heart; and he has broken my heart. Two broken hearts! But my wife is wonderfully loving and supportive, and sticks by me through some very tough times for both of us. 

And yet, I do not regret having seen BBM.  I do not regret falling in love with that gorgeous man. I TREASURE my new-found loving friends, and hope that we might be very close friends for the rest of our lives. Their daily messages enrich my life. Every day is like Xmas Day when I receive their loving messages. I feel blessed in so many ways.

So dear Miral, there you have the nutshell version.

I am so thrilled to read in your most recent post that YOU have now managed to channel the emotional and psychological impact of BBM into the new-found relationship with your husband. Warmest wishes are sent to you, for a happy and successful continuation of that process.

Feel free to send me PMs when you are able, and ask whatever questions you wish to. I am happy to answer them to the best of my ability.

Bye for now: JohnnyX.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: PowerOfLove on July 25, 2007, 01:16:35 PM
Myrine, thanks for sharing your impact story. Many common threads with so many of us. It's also nice to hear your perception of the tolerance in others. We are lucky to be living in 2007 and not 1963. Set good examples in your life (which it sounds like you are doing) and accept you for you and your mother will come around me thinks.

Brad

I agree Brad!
By the way, love the pic!!  ;)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: chapeaugris on July 26, 2007, 12:18:07 AM
Just posting here so this thread comes to the top. The old Affected Me thread is still getting posts so things are getting a bit mixed up. Maybe it should be locked?
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on July 26, 2007, 03:59:33 AM
Hi gang,

Just me... letting everyone know that I just watched our movie again. Thirty-five to forty times now, I think.

Worth reminding everyone that it's why we're all here, loving and supporting each other.

Hugs all, so glad we all found this place where we can share our selves with each other,
Rob
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: andy/Claude on July 26, 2007, 04:50:02 AM
It's a wonderful testimony to the power of our beloved story/movie that we see the kinda posts that this Forum has seen from day one and continue to see with new faces/names coming outa lurkdom or are new. Someone mentioned the time scale in getting over this movie but as I see it there aint no such thing. Time scales to the sifting and sorting of our emotions and frustrations etc sure, but this movie and it's effects will live with us all for as long as we are on this earth and to that I say hooray! We are all powerfully processed by the pain and persuasion of the fate of J&E with no small thanks to Jake and Heath and personally speaking, nothing bar nothing has affected me more than BBM and the joy of being part of this extended family whether it be cyber or in the flesh is almost indescribable. We have all been enriched, encouraged, comforted and turned upside down by the efforts of a smart lady called Annie Proulx, the fall out of which is way beyond anything Mount St Helens could deliver, and some.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on July 26, 2007, 04:53:35 AM
Andy...

Can I kiss you for that?
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: andy/Claude on July 26, 2007, 04:57:51 AM
Andy...

Can I kiss you for that?

I'll take a cyber one now and a real one on the 19th, ok? ;)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on July 26, 2007, 05:01:52 AM
Andy...

Can I kiss you for that?

I'll take a cyber one now and a real one on the 19th, ok? ;)
Sounds excellent to me!

Nick leaves here on the afternoon of the 18th, British Airways... a shame you're gonna miss each other...
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: andy/Claude on July 26, 2007, 05:08:40 AM
I'll have to leave a momento on the plane for him.....( spot the BBM logo) looks like he'll be going out on the one I come in on. Shame. :'(
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on July 26, 2007, 05:15:34 AM
I'll have to leave a momento on the plane for him.....( spot the BBM logo) looks like he'll be going out on the one I come in on. Shame. :'(
Nick was thinking so too.

:(

Is a shame... :(
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on July 26, 2007, 07:13:54 PM
It's a wonderful testimony to the power of our beloved story/movie that we see the kinda posts that this Forum has seen from day one and continue to see with new faces/names coming outa lurkdom or are new. Someone mentioned the time scale in getting over this movie but as I see it there aint no such thing. Time scales to the sifting and sorting of our emotions and frustrations etc sure, but this movie and it's effects will live with us all for as long as we are on this earth and to that I say hooray! We are all powerfully processed by the pain and persuasion of the fate of J&E with no small thanks to Jake and Heath and personally speaking, nothing bar nothing has affected me more than BBM and the joy of being part of this extended family whether it be cyber or in the flesh is almost indescribable. We have all been enriched, encouraged, comforted and turned upside down by the efforts of a smart lady called Annie Proulx, the fall out of which is way beyond anything Mount St Helens could deliver, and some.

Darling Andy, how right you are, my dear friend.  Brokeback Mountain is part of me in a way no other thing, beyond my children and grandchildren, has ever been, and by extension, this Forum is part of me, as well.  I have no idea how long this Forum will be here, but the friendships I have made here are as real and as true as anything in my life...for which I will always be grateful. 
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: MiralParis7 on July 27, 2007, 07:46:43 AM
Hi all:

I've been reading the last few posts this am..I wanted to say to the 23 year old (sorry--on the run and can't remember your name) that things get better.

I didn't have a happy childhood and desperately wanted someone to love me, anyone, and I found it. The hard part was letting it in. Like Ennis, I went kicking and screaming all the way. I think it took about 10 years of marriage before I actually believed my husband loved me. Really loved me. I had the tendency to put the worst view on everything. This is totally anonymous, so I can tell you I....well,....I don't want you to think bad of me....that when I felt I had lost his love from some tiny thing I once ended up in the hospiatl getting my stomach pumped from two many pills. They took me in a POLICE CAR to the county place where you had to give them your possessions to lock up, waiting to be "processed," ended up in another hospital. The one bright spot is that my father, who had abandoned me years ago, stuck by my side the whole time, riding to the hospital with the police car, waiting as I filled out the forms. I was black and blue from the IVs they rushed in and the charcoal they had to give me meant I was producing little charcoal briquetes in intensive care where they had a toiled in the middle of the room with just a curtan for privacy and her bed two feet away.

I don't know. For me, finding real love was easier, so much easier, than letting it in. But today, thanks to my wonderful psychiatrist, I feel whole, and my whole heart feels full from the grraditude that I made myself my own family. My mother was very verbally abusive ("You'll never have any friends!!! You're ruining the family!!") and my dad so abandoning (he once called me his extended relative) that it ook years. And I have no idea, absolutely, why I am writing this.

Yesterday my husband and I hugged with out beloved cat between us, who was purring and trying to burrow between us because he couldn't possibly get close enough to us, and we smiled and held each other and we have this joke that goes, "You're my faaaaaaaaaaaaaaamily unit) and I felt so happy..and I am now going on a camping trip with the family I made for myself, my best friend who is a sister to me and her family...and I feel a part of it. Like I belonged.

I think that is the ultimate. To feel like you belong.

BBM helped me get in touch with all these feelings.

I'll be thinking of you all on the camping trip. As well as Our Boys, of course. I hunger for the sky and the trees and the cliffs and the nature where I am going. There will be a campfire and there is something about staring into the flames and feeling the warmth that makes you feel so full and peace and in awe of life itself..and so close to the people around you without sayinga word--unless, of course, you break into "Kum by ya, my lord, kumbaya..."  :)

Bye for now.

Miral
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: MiralParis7 on July 27, 2007, 09:35:15 AM
You know, this molvie made the understand the first line in this poem for the first time.


somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond   
by E. E. Cummings 

 
somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look will easily unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands
 
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: PowerOfLove on July 27, 2007, 01:19:54 PM
What a beautioful poem!
It sure does have a lot of meaning behind it; considering it wasn't that long!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: PowerOfLove on July 27, 2007, 01:25:56 PM
Hi gang,

Just me... letting everyone know that I just watched our movie again. Thirty-five to forty times now, I think.

Worth reminding everyone that it's why we're all here, loving and supporting each other.

Hugs all, so glad we all found this place where we can share our selves with each other,
Rob

I must say, watching a movie as many times as you have is a great achievement in my book!
Thank you for that heart felt message to all of us here- I may not have been here as long as some people, but when
I read posts like that, I feel right at home! I am just so thankful knowing that I was not the only one affected greatly by this film.
Take care-

Power Of Love

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Oregondoggie on July 28, 2007, 08:37:56 AM
Alberta

Just pulllin out alone from Fort Macleod.  Internet cafe is around the corner from the Reunion Apartment House.  Yesterday about twenty of us Brokies came over here from Cowley where we stood around the site of Aguirre's trailor, peered into the little alley of Ennis' agony, and strolled the road that Jack looked back down upon Ennis at the end of that summer.   Yes, a freight thundered by.   

Was great seeing a few of our old pals and some new ones.  Belgium, France, Korea, American Samoa...and some critters from The States.

In Fort Macleod we had lunch at the bus stop.  Ennis' table has a plaque.  That part of the movie is on a repeating TV screen. (One couple re-enacted Ennis' scene with Cassie quite well.)  Climbed the stairs to the room where the divorce was granted in the court house.  Had beers in the bar (at the Queen's Hotel) where Ennis met Cassie.  Wandered back to the Re-Union Apartment.  Lots of posing for picures.  A lot of silent thoughts.

Group went back on up to Calgary last night.  I am driving back west to the Coast.  Like frames from the movie, Cowley and Fort Macleod's sites await your replaying.  Come see them if you can. 



Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on July 28, 2007, 08:45:22 AM
Alberta

Just pulllin out alone from Fort Macleod.  Internet cafe is around the corner from the Reunion Apartment House.  Yesterday about twenty of us Brokies came over here from Cowley where we stood around the site of Aguirre's trailor, peered into the little alley of Ennis' agony, and strolled the road that Jack looked back down upon Ennis at the end of that summer.   Yes, a freight thundered by.   

Was great seeing a few of our old pals and some new ones.  Belgium, France, Korea, American Samoa...and some critters from The States.

In Fort Macleod we had lunch at the bus stop.  Ennis' table has a plaque.  That part of the movie is on a repeating TV screen. (One couple re-enacted Ennis' scene with Cassie quite well.)  Climbed the stairs to the room where the divorce was granted in the court house.  Had beers in the bar (at the Queen's Hotel) where Ennis met Cassie.  Wandered back to the Re-Union Apartment.  Lots of posing for picures.  A lot of silent thoughts.

Group went back on up to Calgary last night.  I am driving back west to the Coast.  Like frames from the movie, Cowley and Fort Macleod's sites await your replaying.  Come see them if you can. 





Envious, again, like usual... I'd love to trace to footsteps of the men who helped encourage me to make such a huge leap in my life...

Perhaps one day I'll find my way there, it's not really that far from Puyallup...

Thanks for sharing!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: desertrat on July 28, 2007, 10:40:53 AM
wow, they'll have to attach information plates for brokie tourists soon... :D

good to hear you get so much comfort out of the travelling and meeting fellow brokies is always a pleasure !
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Oregondoggie on July 28, 2007, 11:01:25 AM
About doubled over with grief myself drivin' by the apartment house on the way out of town.   Could have used an alley... 
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on July 28, 2007, 04:32:42 PM
About doubled over with grief myself drivin' by the apartment house on the way out of town.   Could have used an alley... 

I'm thinking that might be a valid reaction to the place.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on July 28, 2007, 07:52:49 PM
About doubled over with grief myself drivin' by the apartment house on the way out of town.   Could have used an alley... 
Oh, Larry, honey.  Wish I'd been there to hold you.  :-*

What powerful emotions these places still engender, for they witnessed, no, were an intrinsic part of, the creation of our masterpiece.  Thank you for allowing us to briefly join you and the others.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Oregondoggie on July 28, 2007, 10:53:28 PM
About doubled over with grief myself drivin' by the apartment house on the way out of town.   Could have used an alley... 
Oh, Larry, honey.  Wish I'd been there to hold you.  :-*

What powerful emotions these places still engender, for they witnessed, no, were an intrinsic part of, the creation of our masterpiece.  Thank you for allowing us to briefly join you and the others.

Found calmer waters... stopped again in Cowley on way into the Rockies.  Sunny but not-yet-hot morning.  Drove slowly out, lookin' back for Ennis through the mirror.  Tell you what, all I could see were the lovely folk I've met on two internet forums...
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: conny on July 29, 2007, 02:20:07 AM
Yesterday i saw that my 10.000 th post was nearly there and i didn`t know yet if i wanted to do something special with that post. I could have just posted a picture, cause thats lately the thread i post the most, but maybe its good to share a bit more from my life these past months.
cause life has been a bitch these last months, mostly caused by my upper neighbours,who moved in in january with two kids and make my life a living hell,making noise, kids running around,screaming,banging on the floor and such.this is an old house with wooden floors and hardly no isolation.talking to them didn`t help, escp she is very agressive in words and she treatenend me and the dogs.
It costed me so much energy to fight all this on daily basis that mentally i almost broke down and due to that ofcourse my body reacted badly.
i lost touch with everything,and above all with myself.  if this was life i just had enough of it.i live alone now for about 10 years and last year opened up a bit, but now am shut down completely again,walls are back up,sigh....
Once again my dogs are my life savers, cause i have to keep on going for them!
Then a dear friend said to me in an email; con you cant just give up,cause then jack died for no reason and BBM had thought me otherwise!  I knew i was back in that trailer right where i was when i joined this forum after seeing bbm. i still am an ennis and will always be kinda i think, but i need to pull myself up again.
I`m so tired of fighting. last week i said to my hypnotherapist, why do i always have to go so low again,deep down in that well and then crawl up again? He didn`t have an answer for me and i dont know either,yet. But these last sessions we did clean up some more old pain and abuse and misery,in fact during all these sessions we`ve gone trough my whole life and healed it all. I need one more session to give me back fate and belief and strengt,but last time i more needed a healing to take all the stress and negativity away from me. so working on that.
I`ve felt so lonely these last months and oh yes there were people and friends to talk to,who emailed daily cause they were worried about me, but they couldn`t reach within me.
But now finally the sun is peeking in again. my fighting wasn`t for nothing,cause last week the landlord called me and they are gonna give me an other home. dont know when or where or what kind of, but that doens`t matter. I know i`m gonna leave here in time now(could take two weeks or two months,depend on when i suitable house comes free)
so i have to pack up  the 15 years i lived here and move all that. And i think thats good, to throw away a lot of garbage and start totally over again!
i`ve done that lots if times before, but i know this time its crusial and  i hope i then get my energy back and maybe some my health.

All this time i got one thing to look forward too and that was my trip to brad and steve. i finally am gonna see their paradise and feel that magical energy and ofcourse meet up with brad again and meet steve and yess Rob is coming over too!  :)
i know it will be a once in a lifetime experience, just like it was one year ago when i traveled to the states for the first time for the BBM BBQ. that time and place and the people i met there meant the world to me!
 along the way i lost the feelings i got there and what i learned there, but they are still hidden in me,so they will come out again!
So thank all for still being here and that i can and may be a part of all of you!
love ya  :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: desertrat on July 29, 2007, 03:07:57 AM
conny, i wish you lots of all this positive energy of change - with an exciting new life !  :)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: JohnnyX on July 29, 2007, 07:33:38 AM
... life has been a bitch these last months,
... So thank all for still being here and that i can and may be a part of all of you!
love ya  :-*

Hello Dear Conny.

Thank you for once again sharing your hurt and hopes here with us.
I am so sorry to hear that things have not been picking up for you.
However, my hope is that from now onwards, things will start to improve for you.

Conny, don't forget with all of that "therapy" that an important aspect is that you only want what almost every other one of us wants; and that is to have your own special person to love and to be loved by. May your own special cowgirl come riding by very soon.

It is good that you will soon be amongst some of your Texas BBQ friends; I hope that they might be able to provide enough love and hugs to keep you going until that cowgirl appears!

How bad that after 15 years in your home, the arrival of a new family should interrupt the serenity, and that you should be the one to move out. But as you seem to infer, perhaps it will herald a new start in a new location -- and who knows?: maybe that cowgirl might be nearby there!  Hope so, for you.

Conny, as I wrote here the other day, in my own healing process, the HURT and PAIN of the heartbreak has finally disappeared. Therefore, I HOPE that yours might also disappear within the next few months.

Best wishes Conny; thanks for sharing with us; and Bon Voyage for your forthcoming trip.
JohnnyX.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: hpv on July 29, 2007, 08:11:54 AM
I've been reading all your great posts, and all I can say, that it still amaze me , how a "movie" did change lives of so many people, but it's not just a movie, it's a masterpiece, and as A.L. said "love is a force of nature" and we love the movie,the story behind it and all about it and around it as well, it make you understand more deeply, your feeling towards your love ones, made you care more and in the bigger point of view ,to understand your friends and all around us better.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on July 29, 2007, 11:14:04 AM
Conny,

Congratulations on your 10,000th post!

I remember shortly after the BBQ at Auntie Linda's in Texas last August you wrote in one of these threads that your walls had been torn down, and that you buried them in Linda's garden. Next to those walls of yours are the remains of my closeted self, "Bob".

I'm thinking once buried, these things, (my "Bob" and your walls) can't be reclaimed, they are long ago converted to dust, food for critters we'd rather not think about.

I"m also thinking that the "walls" you are experiecing now are temporary barriers protecting you from external influences that you'd rather not face. (And who would?) We all build them around ourselves at times. They are, as I'm thinking, temporary and soon you'll find the motivation to set them aside and get back to living the life meant for you once again. Don't lose hope, babe, because there are many of us here pushing you along towards better things.

The pain we feel now is but a hinderance. Soon it will be accepted, eventually forgotten, and all will be fine.

I'll be seeing you in about 23 days... I look very forward to getting to hug you once again!

Lots of love, sweetheart, a shoulder when you need it, and hand to help you to your feet,
Hugs,
Rob
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: conny on July 29, 2007, 01:44:34 PM
conny, i wish you lots of all this positive energy of change - with an exciting new life !  :)

thanks sweets  :)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: conny on July 29, 2007, 01:51:39 PM


Hello Dear Conny.

Thank you for once again sharing your hurt and hopes here with us.
I am so sorry to hear that things have not been picking up for you.
However, my hope is that from now onwards, things will start to improve for you.

Conny, don't forget with all of that "therapy" that an important aspect is that you only want what almost every other one of us wants; and that is to have your own special person to love and to be loved by. May your own special cowgirl come riding by very soon.

It is good that you will soon be amongst some of your Texas BBQ friends; I hope that they might be able to provide enough love and hugs to keep you going until that cowgirl appears!

How bad that after 15 years in your home, the arrival of a new family should interrupt the serenity, and that you should be the one to move out. But as you seem to infer, perhaps it will herald a new start in a new location -- and who knows?: maybe that cowgirl might be nearby there!  Hope so, for you.

Conny, as I wrote here the other day, in my own healing process, the HURT and PAIN of the heartbreak has finally disappeared. Therefore, I HOPE that yours might also disappear within the next few months.

Best wishes Conny; thanks for sharing with us; and Bon Voyage for your forthcoming trip.
JohnnyX.

thanks for this johnny
i`m so happy for you that your hurt and pain is gone!!
and your right i too would love to meet that one special person, so who knows maybe after moving that will come closer too.
i just take it one day at a time and we`ll see what life is gonna bring me  ;)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: conny on July 29, 2007, 01:56:18 PM
Conny,

Congratulations on your 10,000th post!

I remember shortly after the BBQ at Auntie Linda's in Texas last August you wrote in one of these threads that your walls had been torn down, and that you buried them in Linda's garden. Next to those walls of yours are the remains of my closeted self, "Bob".

I'm thinking once buried, these things, (my "Bob" and your walls) can't be reclaimed, they are long ago converted to dust, food for critters we'd rather not think about.

I"m also thinking that the "walls" you are experiecing now are temporary barriers protecting you from external influences that you'd rather not face. (And who would?) We all build them around ourselves at times. They are, as I'm thinking, temporary and soon you'll find the motivation to set them aside and get back to living the life meant for you once again. Don't lose hope, babe, because there are many of us here pushing you along towards better things.

The pain we feel now is but a hinderance. Soon it will be accepted, eventually forgotten, and all will be fine.

I'll be seeing you in about 23 days... I look very forward to getting to hug you once again!

Lots of love, sweetheart, a shoulder when you need it, and hand to help you to your feet,
Hugs,
Rob

think and hope your right rob,that this are temporary walls and that the real ones are still burried.
23 days, i will start counting from off today.hadn`t done that yet.now its gonna feel more real!!

i`l be looking forward to those hugs,its been a year since i had a decent hug  ;)
most dutchies just can`t hug  ;)
thanks  :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: fritzkep on July 29, 2007, 02:37:07 PM
Marc can!  :D

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on July 29, 2007, 07:45:21 PM
i`l be looking forward to those hugs,its been a year since i had a decent hug  ;)
most dutchies just can`t hug   ;)
thanks  :-*

Time ya taught em!!!

 :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on July 30, 2007, 09:22:45 AM

<snip>

But now finally the sun is peeking in again. my fighting wasn`t for nothing

All this time i got one thing to look forward too and that was my trip to brad and steve. i finally am gonna see their paradise and feel that magical energy and ofcourse meet up with brad again and meet steve and yess Rob is coming over too!  :)
i know it will be a once in a lifetime experience, just like it was one year ago when i traveled to the states for the first time for the BBM BBQ. that time and place and the people i met there meant the world to me!
 along the way i lost the feelings i got there and what i learned there, but they are still hidden in me,so they will come out again!
So thank all for still being here and that i can and may be a part of all of you!
love ya  :-*

Oh Conny hon,

My heart goes out to you......I have such great memories of you...hanging out on those back steps at Linda's in Texas..driving with Sal and Fritzie to the Alamo and shopping there. Meeting up with Brad and Terry later coming back....such wonderful times.

Those walls are gone for good...it's okay to feel down once in awhile,but now you know how to keep those walls down for good....keep that sledge hammer near you girl

You're such an amazing person..the energy I felt from you,you are definately a strong woman and there's nothing in this world that will bring you down..maybe for a day or two...but girlfriend...look straight ahead..see the good out there,you will make it!!  I swear!!

Please don't feel down for too long....cry a little,hit a pillow maybe...but your days are going to change...moving into this new apartment is a good start...just you wait and see..... :)

I'm here for you sweetheart....please PM me anytime,you know that....send me a post card...anything.

I love you hon

friends always,

Nellie xo
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on July 30, 2007, 09:30:21 AM
Conny, darling, I am late with this comment, but I agree with everyone as to what a fine woman you are, stronger than you may believe at the moment. I tend to agree with Rob, that these "walls" are a temporary refuge from the problems you are dealing with now, and they will fall as you are able to rise. And you will, sweet sister, because you have us to help you, and we will.  You are very much loved, Conny.  I hope you know that.  It is hard to believe, sometimes, I am sure, as you are so far, physically, from most of us, but...go to Brad and Steve's...feel the loving strength of those two fine men, let their home fill you with the peace and love that is there.  I hope that it will help to revive your spirits, a little, dear one. And know, really KNOW that all of us are here for you.  (((((((((((Conny))))))))))))))
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: conny on July 30, 2007, 11:26:25 AM
oh wow you two made me cry nell and jackie love you a lot and miss you badly
and yes we share such great memories.
and that makes it harder some times,to be so far away from everybody.
its been six months now,all this negativity and i slowly slided down that hill, but luckily there always is some fighting spirit left in me and i`m gonna fight my way back again.
i need to for my dogs and for me!
thanks  :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on July 30, 2007, 01:11:59 PM
You keep fighting, Nellie!

and don't forget, London in 2008!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: bradINblue on July 30, 2007, 04:14:50 PM
Conny, hang in their baby. We're gonna' BBQ up a storm, spend hot summer days by the pool, and take ya' places ya' can't imagine exist. Heck, Steve loves ta' dance (I can't and don't usually) so he'll have someone ta' spin and twirl  :) Yeah, and our Rob is gonna run ya' around two.

Can't wait ta' see your gorgeous, smilin' face.  :-*

Brad
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on July 30, 2007, 04:48:07 PM
Heck, Steve loves ta' dance (I can't and don't usually) so he'll have someone ta' spin and twirl  :) Yeah, and our Rob is gonna run ya' around two.

Can't wait ta' see your gorgeous, smilin' face.  :-*

Brad

you're full of shit...bwahahah....you were dancin' just fine with Conny,Sal and I at the dance floor in Texas that one night..aw hell,maybe it was the beer booze....but you and Terry were pros out there...right Conny?!?  ;)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: conny on July 30, 2007, 11:33:34 PM
Conny, hang in their baby. We're gonna' BBQ up a storm, spend hot summer days by the pool, and take ya' places ya' can't imagine exist. Heck, Steve loves ta' dance (I can't and don't usually) so he'll have someone ta' spin and twirl  :) Yeah, and our Rob is gonna run ya' around two.

Can't wait ta' see your gorgeous, smilin' face.  :-*

Brad

ah gosh your such a sweetie!! haha you do know how to dance,got proof of that  ;)
can`t wait to be there with you guys!! wheater is bad here,and all my tan is vanishining with the wind and rain,so that pool sounds terrific  :)
see ya soon  :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: conny on July 30, 2007, 11:34:42 PM


you're full of shit...bwahahah....you were dancin' just fine with Conny,Sal and I at the dance floor in Texas that one night..aw hell,maybe it was the beer booze....but you and Terry were pros out there...right Conny?!?  ;)

too bad i cant upload it but they were good  8)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on July 31, 2007, 10:34:14 AM

too bad i cant upload it but they were good  8)

DAMN!!!  ;D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on July 31, 2007, 04:53:28 PM
I feel silly posting right now...don't know why. It's almost like my personal journal or something..so weird.

Today for the first time in months,I feel something in me that has been dormant for awhile.That Brokeback feeling,feeling of missing my friends in here,needing to see the faces I met in on this Forum,wanting to hear their voices,wanting to see the movie again. Don't know what caused all this emotion.Well, I do have a slight idea,but will keep that private at the moment.

The ups and downs in life are normal,life is great of course. My life has made some turns,although not really major in my eyes,they're changes none the less, and I'm glad. I often wonder how many more lives are changing right now because of this movie,because of this Forum. How many more will this affect in the future? I can't help myself when I hear from someone in here,whether it's an e-mail or a PM,maybe a phone call and not feel an emotion of some sort. Why doesn't this feeling occur with my other friends from home? Only with you guys. When I read in a thread that one of you are hurting or are going thru some hardship of some sort,it keeps me thinking of it all day long...maybe days...why? Why this connection,this feeling of reaching out to you?...I want someone to study us and figure out why...lol...any sociologist out there?   

I look at the picture threads and see what you see thru your eyes,I just love it. I guess I'm a bit emotional today,a bit sappy...and just wanted to thank all of you again for being in here and for listening to this crazy Rican...

Nellie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: twtplanner on July 31, 2007, 05:18:27 PM
Conny, don't fall for the lie we sometimes tell ourselves, that when we fall back, then it's all for naught and it's not possible to continue.  that, my friend, is the falsehood that robs us.  you're doing great and I have no doubt you're still on the road you discovered, the road that made you happy.  You're great. 

terry
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: fritzkep on July 31, 2007, 05:40:33 PM
True words to live by, Terry. Thank you.

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: conny on August 01, 2007, 12:21:56 AM
Conny, don't fall for the lie we sometimes tell ourselves, that when we fall back, then it's all for naught and it's not possible to continue.  that, my friend, is the falsehood that robs us.  you're doing great and I have no doubt you're still on the road you discovered, the road that made you happy.  You're great. 

terry

thanks sweets,needed that!  :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: conny on August 01, 2007, 12:28:22 AM
I feel silly posting right now...don't know why. It's almost like my personal journal or something..so weird.


I look at the picture threads and see what you see thru your eyes,I just love it. I guess I'm a bit emotional today,a bit sappy...and just wanted to thank all of you again for being in here and for listening to this crazy Rican...

Nellie

nell it aint silly,i`m glad you did! youre always here for everybody for some wise and friendly words.
i understand being emotionaly too for some time now and i`1ve got one or two people in my life who understand and they are not that far away in distance,but yet they are not here either, so satill have to deal with it alone.or and that matters a lot with you guys here, even though all of you are so far away one way or another we do connect!!
just put on U2 today nell when the streets have no name,and i will do too this evening and will dance here on my own and will pretend that you and sal are with me  :)  ;)
take care sweets. or even better hop on a plane some where around the week of the 18th and visit me at brad and steve`s place  ;)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on August 01, 2007, 11:20:37 AM

<snip>

just put on U2 today nell when the streets have no name,and i will do too this evening and will dance here on my own and will pretend that you and sal are with me  :)  ;)
take care sweets. or even better hop on a plane some where around the week of the 18th and visit me at brad and steve`s place  ;)

OMG!! I'd love to jump in Brad and Steve's Koi pond...bwahahha....(just kidding) don't want to kill his fish...lol

Thank you Conny,did I tell you that now every time I hear U2 I think of us....so great. Also,by watching all the video tapes I have of us in Texas,looking at the pictures,letting out a good cry...whatever it takes. It worked.

My dear hermana, Jackie, called me yesterday. I haven't chatted with her in awhile. I didn't want to hang up,just needed to hear her voice. She surely came to the rescue for me and for that I am forever grateful...just the simple things in life as hearing a familiar voice from this Forum was reassuring. And that's what I' mean about this wonderful place...I can always count on you guys.

Just yesterday I was suppose to go to a wake,again...so tired of them but what are you going to do?....even though I had never met this woman that had died,she was the wife of a very nice guy from work. He always was around to help me out and assisted me in my projects w/o any fuss. Never saying no to me and always greeted me with a big smile.Even when I screwed up his receiving room and rearranged all his stuff,he just took a big deep breath and smiled,saying..."that's okay,I'll fix it"...his wife was 40 yrs old,had a heart condition. I felt so badly for him but I couldn't get myself to go. I was afraid to cry. Did enough of that at my aunt's funeral a couple of weeks ago.

So there was my wonderful amiga,Jackie,telling me it was okay that I didn't go. Her comforting voice,he sisterly scolding of not killing myself over things like that.....Jesus,I love that woman!

As I was cooking dinner we talked and talked...chatted about everything....I just love when we call each other bro's and sis'....feels so true though,feels so good....and yeah,I have a big mouth...I say it like it is...what's in my heart I have to tell the world how lucky I am to have you guys...because if it was me in that casket,I would want you guys to remember me and know how much you guys really mean to me. We can never be too busy for a phone call or a nice long e-mail....I would never forgive myself if something had happened to them and they never knew how truely special they were to me...I think maybe that's why I was so emotional yesterday,because I was thinking of the what if's...I know,that's stupid...... okay...'nuff of this sappy shit

Conny,you're so lucky to have a chance to visit our bro's...to see Brad's beautiful house and swim in his pool...you had better take a picture of his Koi pond and send me a copy...I know your beautiful pictures will turn out just great,and I can't wait to put myself in your shoes and see thru your eyes as I see them.And of course ,give them the biggest hug (after yours of course) from me...okay?

I'm telling you,this movie really sculpted a new person out of me...I never take anything for granted anymore...such simple things in life mean the world to me...I don't care how silly I sound or how dramatic....lol.....

Conny,I'll be thinking of you on the 18th...

Love ya,

your sis

Nellie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: conny on August 01, 2007, 11:31:06 AM


Conny,you're so lucky to have a chance to visit our bro's...to see Brad's beautiful house and swim in his pool...you had better take a picture of his Koi pond and send me a copy...I know your beautiful pictures will turn out just great,and I can't wait to put myself in your shoes and see thru your eyes as I see them.And of course ,give them the biggest hug (after yours of course) from me...okay?

I'm telling you,this movie really sculpted a new person out of me...I never take anything for granted anymore...such simple things in life mean the world to me...I don't care how silly I sound or how dramatic....lol.....

Conny,I'll be thinking of you on the 18th...

Love ya,

your sis

Nellie

oh hon i for sure will hug them from you and will take loooooooooooooooots of pictures  ;)
i`m so glad for you jackie called you at the right time

so did i today receive a beautiful card from linda.
thank you darlrng,its standing on my table,those dolphins make me smile!!!

its the little things that counts
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: amymm on August 03, 2007, 11:08:07 AM
Hello everyone.  It's been a very long time since I posted here.  I'm not sure there is anyone around who would remember me.  I posted a lot after the movie-I was obsessed really.  I saw the movie in secret-read the book and couldn't live without this site.  I tried to insist the movie was not about being gay-but about an unlived life.  Why else would it have affected me so?  I am even in the book Beyong Brokeback.  It's a quote about something my son and I talked about.

So fast forward to now.  My life is in turmoil.  I recently fell in love with another woman.  And it brought back so many feelings from my past.  The first person I ever really fell in love with was a woman.  The experience was life defining.  We never had a physical relationship-but we both loved each other.  I went on to have two more intimate relationships with women.  I never fully let myself be in those relationships because I was afraid of the consequences.  But I do know that what I did let myself experience was overwhelming powerful and comforting. 

I went on to do what I thought I had to do-marry and have children.  I never saw anyone in my life growing up who lived any differently and still had a family.  I really wanted a family.  I married a nice guy and we've had a good life.  But over the years I became more and more dissatisfied and started fantasizing about women in order to be intimate with my dh.  I would sometimes feel the urge to have someone spoon me who had breasts.  While I could somewhat enjoy sex with my dh, I never wanted to "intimate" with him.  Sex was more about the release and not about being close.  I never wanted him to hold me.

So, here I am in love with this woman. She's not emotionally available to me, so there hasn't been a relationship beyond intense flirting and friendship.  But I knew in the instant who I felt about her that I could no longer sleep with my dh.  I didn't want it anymore and realized I never really did want it.  That was a few months ago.  I finally told him about my past and I told him how I was feeling now, but never about the woman-because there's no relationship there.  He's devestated of course.

My feeling on this has always been that I wanted to give myself to find the kind of intimacy I knew I could have with a woman.  But I'm feeling so awful about what it's doing to my family.  I still don't if I'll ever forgive myself enough to enjoy life again.  I've never cried so much or been in a darker place.  The pain is unreal. 

I felt it was time to come back and reconnect with all of the people here.  I know many of the people I knew are gone and new ones have come.  I hope maybe I can find a community of people who can help me on my journey.  I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore. 

Thanks for reading and any insight you may have
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on August 03, 2007, 01:09:05 PM
Wow girl,I didn't want to be the first one to answer to your post because I'm not experienced in this,but felt the need to reach out to you.

First of all,I just wanted to tell you that your "end of the world feeling" is just temporary for now. Please don't feel like there's no way out and that everyone will hate you forever. There's so many feelings and emotion right now between your husband and yourself,you just have to stay strong and ride with the waves. Do your children know everything?

Second of all,because you made this decision to try to live your life and be happy and telling your husband the honest truth,that in itself is a HUGH first step,one that always comes with mixed emotion and hurt feelings.Doesn't mean that it's going to stay that way. No matter how awful and guilty you feel ,being truthful to YOURSELF is what you had to do and for that I'm very proud of you.

You will connect with people in here,don't worry about that. Just hang in there and take it one day at a time....we're here for you,okay?

Nellie

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: neatfreak on August 03, 2007, 03:21:59 PM
Amymm, I cannot say that I identify with your situation except in one way: I know the high emotional turmoil of change while trying to find your way. You must find someone who can help you see the situation objectively, something you cannot do in your own life. (Believe me, I know.)

I would suggest that you DO NOT make life-changing decisions in the heat of emotion. Clearly you are changing your life in order to align with what is in your heart. You are seeing the pain it can cause others, so go slowly; for your family and yourself. It is very hard to slow down when you know change is inevitable. Try to visualize the outcome of each of your options so that you go forward with your eyes open, knowing what lies ahead (for the most part). It won't be easy, but you will be able to anticipate the end of the pain if you know where you're headed. I think adding a new relationship at this point may make things more difficult. Can you maintain your friendship with the woman without going further for now?

I want to point out that I have no background in counseling and your best bet is to find someone who knows how to guide you in your self-discovery of your orientation. You can Google "lesbian counseling" with your city name and find those who specialize. I wish you and your family a peaceful resolution.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: amymm on August 03, 2007, 04:28:12 PM
Hi McNell and Neatfreak.  I really appreciate your responses.  I know that things in my life will change.  They already have and there's no going back.  I know that it is also temporary.  My kids don't know everything, just that we are separating.  I'm trying so hard to remember that I need to be true to myself in order for everyone in my life to benefit. 

I am trying to stay centered when I make the big decisions.  I have been in therapy for a few months and she has really helped me make the moves under great consideration and with as little destruction as possible.  I do not have a physical relationship with this woman and am I so relieved that we do not.  We are friends and I try and care for her from afar and put as much energy into myself as possible. 

I have also recently told a friend who has a friend who went through exactly what I am experiencing.  She is going to hook me up with her soon.  It will be good to talk with someone who will understand.

I really felt the need to come back here, as I really feel the impact of this movie was the first real catalyst for this change in my life.  I loved coming here awhile back and look forward to connecting with all of you again.

Thanks again. 
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: desertrat on August 04, 2007, 01:53:06 AM
amymm, i just quickly wanted to express my sympathies and encourage you in the big step you're taking. isn't it strange, the kind of surprises life sometimes has for us ? being in the middle of similar realizations that seem to change my life completely, i can only stand back and shake my head in awe what seemingly small things (like a movie, for example  ;)) can do...
it might be difficult at times, but then, isn't it also amazing that when we start as young children, we can never know where our life will lead us ?

well, i wish you all the best and much luck with the changes in your life - and much happiness for your future !  :)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: AWT on August 05, 2007, 06:03:34 PM
I'm trying so hard to remember that I need to be true to myself in order for everyone in my life to benefit. 

Hi Amymm,

I understand your struggle - I'm still in the process of 'coming out' to myself before even trying to imagine what my future holds for me..

In my case, my wife has recently told me she wants to end our marriage, having been aware of my gay feelings for some time. There's nobody on the horizon and (contrary to my wife's initial suspicions) I've not had any sexual experience with another male since messing about a couple of times with a friend when I was 14 :-[

The worst, most gut-wrenching time was seeing both my children in tears when we told them I would be moving out, and the reason why. All the questions I couldn't answer because a situation I imagined happening 'eventually' was right here-right now. Being 'true to myself' felt like such selfishness.
My children have slowly accepted what's happening, and although I still feel deep guilt, my wife said something to me two days ago that gave me peace of mind for the first time: "This is a rebirth for you, a second chance. As long as you put your children's well-being first, I hope you find what you're looking for"

I realised I'd been like a bear with a sore head with my family for years - all the energy it took burying my feelings can now be used becoming a better, happier, more authentic person to everyone in my life.

Strange times for both of us, but it does get better - I wish you well

Andy 








Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on August 05, 2007, 06:14:02 PM
Andy,

I'm so thrilled to read what your wife said.  Good for her!  She is the Alma here, not deserving the pain inflicted by the fact that you MUST BE WHO YOU ARE!  It seems that she understands that you are doing the only right thing for you.  Bless her...and you, for going ahead with this necessary thing.  I know it is hard for your kids, but...they will come to understand how much happier, how much more REAL you are with the truth out in the open.  That is NOT selfishness, that is finally doing the right thing....not just for you, but for them, as well.

"all the energy it took burying my feelings can now be used becoming a better, happier, more authentic person to everyone in my life."

Honest, and true, friend. 

Hugs and love,
Jackie

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Art on August 06, 2007, 02:23:49 AM
Dear AWWT and Amymm,

I wish you both all the strength that you need now in this phase of your life. I agree with Jackie, Desertrat and Netfreak and Nellie that this is a temporarily thing, that will come to a solution that will be better for all involved. Think of the message of BBM: not being (able to be) true to yourself (or be your true self?) does not only harm yourself, but all others in your life. In my opinion because you withhold love, friendship. compassion etc. for them because you cannot give that because you indeed need the energy for covering up all the time.

Thankgod, I was able to come out to myself and subsequently to others early in life (I was 21 when finally (it felt like that) admitted to myself that this would be the way that life was to be lived: as a gay man). I had not made commitments yet in life (except my broken first love...), and relatively few others were involved. The pain and sorrow, however, were strong and it took me years to adjust and I think that BBM finished the job of finding out who I am and what is important in life. I too had to hit bottom first, before I could come out of this process as myself. Which is not easy for someone who has been living his life until then in the role of a heterosexual boy (which encompasses much more that sex, although the word suggests so). I think that it is quite traumatizing to have to play a role constantly and that this makes it so hard to find out who you are and what you stand for.

Although it is devastating for your ex-partners now, I am sure that in the end they will benefit too from this situation. They too are entitled to find true affectionate love from a partner with whom the can connect on all levels (something that you were not able to give). But give them time, they have lived without knowing for sure with your 'lie' all that time. Think of how long it took you to admit to yourself that it is a lie. They need that time too. Here in the Netherlands, there are self-help groups for couples and ex-partners who struggle with the homosexuality of one of them. Maybe it is an idea for your partners to connect with people with the same problem.

Strength for ou and your families, Art
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Boris on August 06, 2007, 02:25:47 AM
Andy

There's lot to be said about "authenticity" and becoming a man you are. The definitions, validity or nature of the process differ. But one thing is sure: it is about honesty and integrity. And you have both.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on August 06, 2007, 04:51:11 AM
Amymm and AWT, thank you for taking the time to post your experiences here.

I remember the strange times like they were yesterday, and they were just over 10 years ago.

I congratulate you both, for finding the courage to no longer live the lives you knew were not working for you, and to do what you need to give yourselves happy lives.

Please continue to come here, you will have our support!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: JohnnyX on August 06, 2007, 08:31:46 AM
I'm trying so hard to remember that I need to be true to myself in order for everyone in my life to benefit. 

Hi Amymm,

I understand your struggle - I'm still in the process of 'coming out' to myself before even trying to imagine what my future holds for me..

In my case, my wife has recently told me she wants to end our marriage, having been aware of my gay feelings for some time. There's nobody on the horizon and (contrary to my wife's initial suspicions) I've not had any sexual experience with another male since messing about a couple of times with a friend when I was 14 :-[

The worst, most gut-wrenching time was seeing both my children in tears when we told them I would be moving out, and the reason why. All the questions I couldn't answer because a situation I imagined happening 'eventually' was right here-right now. Being 'true to myself' felt like such selfishness. ...

Dear Andy/AWT and Amymm.

Thank you to each of you for your heart-wrenching posts.

Sadly, I have no words of wisdom to offer either of you; but it is comforting to read the wise words written to each of you by others on here.

In the absence of any wise words from me, all that I can do is to send you heartfelt GOOD WISHES for as smooth a transition into your new lives, as you can possibly have.

I have the greatest respect for each of you, for your honesty with your partners and family over this matter. That was also the only way that I could approach my own situation, despite constant advice from others to keep it to myself.

It is heart-warming, however, to read how your respective partners are now supporting you in your separate transitions. They each sound like wonderful people themselves -- which is probably why they are YOUR partners: like attracts like!

Andy, I know from your earlier post, that in your case this has been in the pipeline for at least 6 years (I think you said it was) since your discussion with your wife about the situation; and it is good that your interpersonal relationship in the intervening years has not suffered as a consequence.

For both of you Andy and Amymm, I hope that you will each be able to continue into the future, the way that you are proceeding at the moment, with the goodwill, love, and support of your partners and families.

Strength to your arms -- and to whatever other parts of your bodies might need it. ROFL.

Please return here as often as you feel the need, to share your ongoing stories with us; or whenever you need a shoulder to cry upon; seek support; etc.
For myself, the man who I love from in here once said that I have an "insatiable curiousity", so that curiousity will always want to know how your lives are panning out. LOL.

All the very best on your new pathway, may you find happiness and love along the route.
JohnnyX.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: chapeaugris on August 06, 2007, 04:11:37 PM
I caught up with this thread at the public library a few hours ago, then cycled back to my parents'  house with the iPod switched to random. This song by Bruce Cockburn was the very first one. This is for amymm, AWT, and many others whose stories I've read here:


Fascist architecture of my own design
Too long been keeping my love confined
It tore me out of myself alive

Those fingers drawing out blood like sweat
While the magnificent facades crumble and burn
The billion facets of brilliant love
The billion facets of freedom turning in the light

Bloody nose and burning eyes
Raised in laughter to the skies
I've been in trouble but I'm OK
Been through the wringer but I'm OK
Walls are falling but I'm OK
Under the mercy and I'm OK

Gonna tell my [          ], gonna tell my [      ]  (choose your person)
There isn't anything in the world
That can lock up my love again
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: amymm on August 06, 2007, 05:04:50 PM
To all who have replied-thank you so much.  I'm sitting here in tears at the affection and warm wishes of total strangers.  I can't even begin to tell you the turmoil in my life-and yet the potential excitement of becoming the person I want to be.  I wish I could picture my future more-but who of us can.

Andy-I loved what you said about being a bear with a sore head for so many years.  That's so me.  Every morning I would wake up and tell myself I would not lose my temper today-I would be grateful for my family, etc.  And there was this constant irritation under my skin-I just couldn't put a name  on it.  I plugged along-raising kids and keeping my head down.  BBM was one of the first realy triggers for me.  I think if it had been two women-I would have been further along in this process.  I kept telling myself it couldn't be about me!

Now I'm living in an apartment at night and parenting during the day.  Going to the gym to see this woman who turned my world upside down (she's a fitnees instructor and friend).  Seeing her just reminds me I could feel that way again.  For now, just admiring her at a safe distance is all I can handle.  I hope someday there is a woman who can share my life and kids with me.  It seems so unrealistic at this point, but it's what I want. 

Thanks again so much and I'll continue to come back and connect with you all
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on August 10, 2007, 04:25:30 PM
Today is our 1st year Anniversary for most of us who attended the Texas BBQ. I can't put into words no matter how hard I try of how that weekend meant to me. To most of us. Yes it still makes me sad when I think of the fond memories,the laughs,and all the serious talks we had with one another. All the pictures we took,the hugs and the kisses we gave. Damn, it was friggin hot too,but no one cared that we were sweaty,we hugged anyway.There was no such thing as wearing makeup that weekend. No one cared. Perfect strangers,glaring into each others eyes,smiling at one another. Crying and sharing personal stories together. Who would of thought that because of this wonderful movie,all this would happen? Because of all this,we would continue to have get together's all over the country? People meeting and dating,sharing phone numbers,addresses...wow!

I try to remember what it was like before Brokeback Mountain..before Jack and Ennis touched our hearts. What was I doing? How happy I really was,or thought I was.

I still remember the look on my sister's face when I told her I was flying to Texas to meet about 80 strangers.She was floored. Me,of all people,someone who was always afraid to be alone. All the shit I've been thru in my life,not trusting anyone,and here I was taking my first trip alone. She asked me if I was fucken crazy...hahahaha...."yes",I said...I told her I had finally lost my marbles...my 23 yr old niece was proud of me and said she wished she had the balls to do such a thing...my sister-in-law told me if it was some sort of cult...bwahahah...I told her I would stay away from the grape Kool-Aid....lmao

My husband let me go,but in the back of his head he wondered if this was the beginning of some sort of madness...yes it was I was later to find out...but after a full year,it's finally come clear to him.

Getting off that plane I felt my heart beat faster..but once I saw my first Brokie brother,David,things were just fine. I felt like such a dream,all of it. And it happened so fast. But there were times where I would escape from the whole crowd. Disappear on my own,not used to all the kindness,all those people,was this for real? I would smoke my cigarettes and cry under a tree,or day dream. That was the thing I did for years when I needed to clear my head. I found out later that many people did the same thing. It was just so over whelming for a few of us.

So many of us from all over the world,I was amazed how similar we all really were....that's what this movie did. It was like morse code,getting us to find one another. To feel what Jack and Ennis felt. To feel their pain and ask each other why?

What more can I say?..you all witnessed all of us in here..our stories,our experiences,our pain and sorrows. Horrifying stories of our past.....but our futures are so much brighter now. We have opened up a new leaf,have taken a different road. We have each other now.No one is embarrassed to speak what on their minds. Maybe a few of us still have a ways to go...but we'll get there ,damn it...we will.

I'm the luckiest girl alive,I say to myself. To have been thru such an experience as this. To have met so many people,and not just thru the Texas BBQ..but in the Chicago Slash and Bay City Michigan....and in the future,where else?....I can't wait. I'm thankful that my life has taken so many new turns. Although,I get sad and lonely when I don't catch up as often as I would like to with my friends in here,it never lasts long. I'm just happy that I have them and that in a few days I will chat away. They're the best and their hearts are in the right places. I see how their lives have changed along with mine,and it makes me smile. I think of them and they in return think of me...how cool is that?

Happy Anniversary guys...you all know who you are...we're Texans at heart...lol...all 80+ of us!!

YEEEE HAWWW

Nellie

MOD "...had to add this picture

(http://i48.photobucket.com/albums/f211/killersmom/BBQ%202006/BBMBBQ2006062.jpg)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: conny on August 10, 2007, 04:32:35 PM
Today is our 1st year Anniversary for most of us who attended the Texas BBQ. I can't put into words no matter how hard I try of how that weekend meant to me. To most of us.

I'm the luckiest girl alive,I say to myself. To have been thru such an experience as this. To have met so many people,and not just thru the Texas BBQ..but in the Chicago Slash and Bay City Michigan....and in the future,where else?....I can't wait. I'm thankful that my life has taken so many new turns. Although,I get sad and lonely when I don't catch up as often as I would like to with my friends in here,it never lasts long. I'm just happy that I have them and that in a few days I will chat away. They're the best and their hearts are in the right places. I see how their lives have changed along with mine,and it makes me smile. I think of them and they in return think of me...how cool is that?

Happy Anniversary guys...you all know who you are...we're Texans at heart...lol...all 80+ of us!!

YEEEE HAWWW

Nellie

beautiful post nell and i totally agree!!
and i feel extra lucky that i will be able to fly again to the states next week and have a mini meeting with brad,steven and rob!
i never would have thought that last year!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on August 10, 2007, 04:43:15 PM
(http://i48.photobucket.com/albums/f211/killersmom/BBQ%202006/BBMBBQ2006062.jpg)


Nellie, thanks so much for posting the pic here.

I won't go into the changes I've been through, been there, done that.

Those 4 days are embedded in my memory, so carefree and happy, such laughter, talking, hand holding, touching, crying, it was fantastic.

I have been fortunate to attend other get togethers, MD, CO, MI, and smaller ones in NYC and DC.  I'm looking foward to CA and DC again, adding to the list of friends I've made because of this forum and this movie.

Each one of you has become a part of my history, and I know you'll be a part of my future chapters.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on August 10, 2007, 08:04:42 PM
I look at the picture Nellie posted and smile.  So much has changed in my life this last year, since I took part in that weekend.  Friendships that were in their infancy in Linda's back yard are now simply part of the fabric of my life. And that makes me so grateful.  And PROUD!  Because you chose to be friends with me, too. I am a better person, thanks to so many of you who have touched my life here in this place, this cyber community that has come SOOOOOO far beyond that idea.

Thank you to Linda (killersmom) for that weekend, always.  You made a difference, Linda, in the lives of so many people that we can never thank you enough.  :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on August 10, 2007, 08:19:45 PM
I agree, wholeheartedly, with what you say, Big Sis! So much has changed because of Auntie's BBQ, so many great friends made.

Where would any of us be without that gathering?

Thanks again, Linda! Will be nice having you here with Nick and me next Thursday night! Another mini-reunion about to be had here in little old Puyallup!

Love and hugs to you Big Sis Jackie, and to you too, Lil Sis Linda!
Rob
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on August 10, 2007, 08:21:02 PM
I love you, Rob.   :-*



And two years ago, I didn't know you existed. And you live only a few miles from where I grew up....the POWER of our Film and THIS FORUM! 
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on August 10, 2007, 08:24:24 PM
I love you too, Jackie!

Miracles never cease, as they say!

;)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on August 10, 2007, 08:36:49 PM
I love you too, Jackie!

Miracles never cease, as they say!

;)
Yep!   :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: gnash on August 10, 2007, 09:42:24 PM

(http://taxine.com/fullerspicer/happiness..jpg)

(http://davecullen.com/brokeback/daily/format/placeholder.gif)(http://davecullen.com/brokeback/daily/format/placeholder.gif)(http://davecullen.com/brokeback/daily/format/placeholder.gif)(http://davecullen.com/brokeback/daily/format/placeholder.gif)(http://davecullen.com/brokeback/daily/format/placeholder.gif)one year later... is it really true? i remember it well, way back when the seed of that wonderful event was planted.. auntie had asked, "hey, what do you think about........?" ...and there it was, many months later. all the planning and preparations were SO worth it. i opened up a files to see photos of the barbecue this afternoon, after lyle wished me a happy anniversary, and the tears started flowing upon seeing your smiling faces. i remember the countdown, how at first it seemed so impossibly far away, then suddenly august was upon us, and finally we were there! just amazing... much love to you all.

i am not so articulate in this thread, but i think ya'll know how the movie, the forum, and the opportunity to meet so many nice people in once place has affected me... and all of us. it blows my mind to think that the get togethers are still going strong.

anyway -- this (http://taxine.com/fullerspicer/bbq_aroundthehill.mov) is what i saw that made me cry-- your photos of the bbq, by members of the forum who found their way to texas one year ago. i've posted it before. hopefully you can see this musical quicktime file and remember the good times anew.

thank you, linda, for hosting the amazing event in texas last year. you're now no longer in that southern state, and i think we all left a bit of our hearts down in boerne. thank you for your hospitality -- and your friendship -- you mean the world to me!
(http://davecullen.com/brokeback/daily/format/placeholder.gif)(http://davecullen.com/brokeback/daily/format/placeholder.gif)(http://davecullen.com/brokeback/daily/format/placeholder.gif)(http://davecullen.com/brokeback/daily/format/placeholder.gif)(http://davecullen.com/brokeback/daily/format/placeholder.gif)


HAPPY Auntie's BBM Backyard BBQ ANNIVERSARY, everybody!


maybe you can see/hear this, a small .3gp file of
the windchimes and cicadas of texas (http://taxine.com/fullerspicer/texasbells.3gp)
silly i know, but it means a lot to me.

:::cries:::



Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Lyle (Mooska) on August 11, 2007, 12:00:30 AM
I echo the previous sentiments of you all!

The wonderful memories have lightened the load
of a not so wonderful week just past.

Happiness to all of you!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Lyle (Mooska) on August 11, 2007, 12:06:55 AM
P.S.:  At his employment last week an acquaintance met Heath Ledger
and he told Heath that Brokeback Mountain had changed his life.  Heath
graciously responded and told him that things like that were very nice to hear.

They also talked about Batman (my acquaintance, a fan,  was wearing a
Batman ring and he and Heath knocked their rings together).  He said that
Heath told him the film was going to be awesome.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: gnash on August 11, 2007, 12:38:29 AM
...he told Heath that Brokeback Mountain had changed his life.  Heath
graciously responded and told him that things like that were very nice to hear.
...

dang!! how lucky your friend was to be able to tell heath in person how brokeback affected him!

i'd probably be tongue tied  :D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on August 11, 2007, 10:47:12 AM
Jimmy,

Thank you so much for your post,for all your nice words,the video and especially the picture you just posted...that's one of my fondest memories  :'(....I'm a better person because of all this,and because I met you. I loved helping you prepare the tables in Linda's backyard...you did a wonderful job. I would also like to thank Linda for her hospitality,her kindness,and all her hard work in planning such a wonderful event. I also want to say thanks for allowing her pooches in on all this too...fell in love with Tootsie,and of course,Killer was just being himself...  ;D

All my love,

Nellie  :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: killersmom on August 11, 2007, 05:00:43 PM
WOW, who would have thought that on that cold night in January 2006, on one screen in a Texas theater that viewing that movie started all of this for me. Here I am, 20,000+ posts, and more than a year later from my first viewing and celebrating the one year anniversary of the BBQ in my back yard in Boerne. I knew it would be something fantastic, but never realized how many wonderful friends I have made as a result of meeting those 85 people who came to share in my back yard. I had attended smaller get togethers previous to this and have attended larger ones since then, but, understandably, this one is closest to my heart. It will forever be a part of me, but also allowed my personal growth to blossom from the beginning, starting at that moment in a dark theater in Texas.

All of this started with each of those people's individual and personal reactions to our Movie. And yes, I say "our" because all of us can take ownership of this movie. All of the wonderful, positive, sometimes painful and difficult changes that each of us have gone through and experienced as a result of seeing it, is what makes it our own. As individual as the many people who have posted and shared here, there are that many individual reactions and changes as a result of witnessing this movie and story. Each of us do own this. It is ours.

The good and bad, the ups and downs of the previous year and a half have been worth it to me, all of it. It has allowed me to take stock of myself, to grow and hopefully become a better person to me and to those around me. I have stumbled and fallen, picked myself up with the help and assistance of so many here. By telling me (as I like to say) how the cow ate the cabbage, they have helped me grow. Thanks to all of you, you know who you are. I have made so many friends in all these months. Most I am still in contact with, some I am not. ALL have had a profound affect on my life, and for all of you I am so very grateful. I thank you.

The tremendous changes that have gone on in my life since that weekend at my house have been numerous. They were tough choices, and have been tough for me and my family, but these changes have been what I needed and just did not know. I now no longer live at that house in Boerne. I realized it no longer held me in the present, but only the memories of my children growing up and my marriage. Those are powerful, and are with me always, but ones that prevented me from growing and getting on with my life. I did not realize I was not happy and I was just existing, satisfied with the limited things that life had to offer me. Thinking, at 55 yo, that I was past change and should just be happy with my life the way it had been for so long.  After reading the stories and sharing with so many people face to face, I knew that all the changes that so many had experienced, be they big or small, were a message to me that in order to continue and grow in life, I was the only one who could make those changes happen. I had to make choices and decisions, I had to make it happen.

I think I learned this in the planning of the BBQ. I knew that in order to bring together those people I so wanted to meet, I would just have to make it happen. That is what I meant when I said that I planned the BBQ for myself. I never realized that in doing that, I made it possible (by just providing a common ground) for so many others to come together and meet face to face. When this was accomplished, I realized I could accomplish those changes in my life that I realized I needed to make, not just to talk about, but to do.

I sold my home of 16 years in Boerne, packed my bags, loaded up my two little dogs and headed out to California. I have now lived here since April, and although it has not been easy, it has been exactly what I needed,  just didn't know that I did. My life has changed for the better. That last statement sounds so mild compared to how it really feels. The words are not adequate, but the changes are. Someone told me that I came here with the positive attitude that this is what I wanted and needed, and that is why is has worked. I don't know if this is so, but I do know I am happy. I did not realize I was not, until I got here and thought, "what is different, what has changed?". The answer was simple for me, I am happy. Just those three words.

All the above is just a little of how Brokeback has affected me since I first stumbled upon it so many months ago. It started out from the words of a book, and from the scenes of a movie, and has continued with each and every person I have met and have yet to meet. For, as we all have come to realize, life outside BBM is what it is all about. All of this has started most of us on changing paths. Some have just started out on those paths, some are continuing, and a lot have finished those journeys. What we do with the lessons we have learned here is the most important thing. It has been for me.

Thanks to all who have been and continue to be such important parts of my real life. The book, the movie and this forum have brought us together. My wish is that we continue to share here, but most importantly, in our real day to day lives as well.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: sfericsf on August 11, 2007, 09:30:46 PM
Thanks for your post Linda.  :)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: gnash on August 12, 2007, 05:26:35 AM
oh nellie, your exuberant smile in that photo one of the seven reasons i love that image so much! six gorgeous ladies and one happy viewer remembering the wonderful emotions of the bbq. the event affected me in such long-lasting ways, as it did you... i really never, when signing up for this forum, ever imagined the changes in my life that would occur as a direct result of clicking that "join" button!! 

much love to you!  :-* :-* :-*

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: gnash on August 12, 2007, 06:15:05 AM
WOW, who would have thought that on that cold night in January 2006, on one screen in a Texas theater that viewing that movie started all of this for me. Here I am, 20,000+ posts, and more than a year later from my first viewing and celebrating the one year anniversary of the BBQ in my back yard in Boerne.  ...

linda, congrats on your 20,000+ posts, but more importantly, for realizing your happiness. wow is right. i am happy. -- yes, i think that really is what counts. your courage in the face of change (and what changes you've been through these last few years!), and your determination, endurance and fortitude is absolutely amazing. i learn so much from you...!  that brokeback was able to help you to examine the nuances of what was/is going on your life is also truly heartwarming. it is so great to know that you're still growing and changing, all the while looking ahead with a positive outlook and an abundance of LOVE in your heart... you are an inspiration!

love you much!!!   -- jimmy  :)  :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Lyle (Mooska) on August 12, 2007, 02:52:28 PM
(http://taxine.com/fullerspicer/happiness..jpg)
Scene from A Weekend at Boerne
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: gattaca on August 12, 2007, 05:33:27 PM
I think I learned this in the planning of the BBQ. I knew that in order to bring together those people I so wanted to meet, I would just have to make it happen. That is what I meant when I said that I planned the BBQ for myself. I never realized that in doing that, I made it possible (by just providing a common ground) for so many others to come together and meet face to face. When this was accomplished, I realized I could accomplish those changes in my life that I realized I needed to make, not just to talk about, but to do.

Linda, you are and will remain one of my heroes here on DC.  I remembered the anniversary, not because I was there, but because I was not able to attend.   I will forever kick myself and deeply envy all of the wonderful people who were able to attend, solidify those friendships and finally find a place where BBM was the binding thread.   Kudos to changing your life and the lives of many of us here.  Vincent
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: gnash on August 12, 2007, 11:19:49 PM
(http://taxine.com/fullerspicer/happiness..jpg)
Scene from A Weekend at Boerne

LOL :D ;D ;D 

 -- for those that don't know, the town of boerne is pronounced "boar-knee",  similar to "bernie"...  ;)

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: fritzkep on August 13, 2007, 06:07:50 PM
Jimmy, I didn't get the pun until you pointed it out, even though I knew the pronunciation! Didn't speak it out loud! Thanks!

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: AWT on August 15, 2007, 07:41:11 PM
Thanks everyone for your kind replies..

I can't even begin to tell you the turmoil in my life-and yet the potential excitement of becoming the person I want to be.  I wish I could picture my future more-but who of us can.

Amymm,

I know exactly what you mean - I know there is a 'future' of fulfilment out there for me, and I've got just about enough self-confidence to go out and actively seek it, but in my case I'd by lying if I said I don't have bouts of insecurity in wondering if I have enough to offer emotionally, or whether I'm still attractive.

Part of me wants to 'rush in' to a sexual encounter just as a sort of physical validation, another wants to be alone for quite a long time, and yet another only wants close male friendships. I know I need time to heal though - I'm heartbroken about the end of my marriage deep down but the endless flurry of day-to-day life still keeps me from feeling it.

What is most depressing right now is dealing with the mountain of practical things to sort out - having to ask each other for joint credit and bank cards and cutting them in half, writing letters requesting names to be changed.. It all seems so cold and clinical, and this is before I've found somewhere to live. I can't openly say how anxious I feel about adjusting to living on my own, because my wife will understandably point out that this is all happening because of me..

I've 'come out' to myself though, which was an important first step - My avatar now shows me as I am for the whole world to see online, instead of using a picture of me as a baby for relative anonymity.

Andy
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on August 15, 2007, 07:58:59 PM
I've 'come out' to myself though, which was an important first step - My avatar now shows me as I am for the whole world to see online, instead of using a picture of me as a baby for relative anonymity.

Andy

Congratulations, Andy!

I'm so proud of you for taking that first step!

There is no need to rush anything.  Give yourself time to think things through, and move forward at a pace you are comfortable with!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: JohnnyX on August 15, 2007, 08:06:16 PM
Thanks everyone for your kind replies..
...
Part of me wants to 'rush in' to a sexual encounter just as a sort of physical validation, another wants to be alone for quite a long time, and yet another only wants close male friendships. I know I need time to heal though - I'm heartbroken about the end of my marriage deep down but the endless flurry of day-to-day life still keeps me from feeling it.

What is most depressing right now is dealing with the mountain of practical things to sort out - having to ask each other for joint credit and bank cards and cutting them in half, writing letters requesting names to be changed.. It all seems so cold and clinical, and this is before I've found somewhere to live. I can't openly say how anxious I feel about adjusting to living on my own, because my wife will understandably point out that this is all happening because of me..

Andy

Hello Andy.

Thank you for coming back to share these thoughts with us.
I have placed in bold above, the parts of your note which resonate so very much with my own experiences and feelings.

I sincerely hope that you have been able to start some PMs with other males in here to support you. Doing that has been my own LIFERAFT. Without each of them, I know that I would not be at the stage of relative emotional equilibrium that I am at now. And very importantly, their friendships have become THE most important friendships which I have now. I don't want to commune with anyone else, just with them here on-line; and in person whenever that might occur.

You write about the depressing aspects of doing all of those cold and clinical little things; and I can understand that each one of them, especially cutting joint credit-cards in half, is like cutting off a part of your body as you know that it is another step towards severing your marriage relationship.  You show great fortitude though, in all that you write. I hope that it will be strong enough to sustain you into the future.

Now my situation is a little different from yours, in that my marriage is not ending (also in that our children are now adults living away from home -- so there is not that heart-breaking physical breach with them which you have with yours), but my wife has told me that if I ever follow my urges, then the marriage will be over. I love her dearly, and want BOTH! (just greedy).

Hopefully, when you reach the stage of moving out, you can choose a place which suits YOU and your preferences, and not a compromise, as you know most marriage relationships involve.  For myself, if I were ever to get to that stage, I would LOVE being able to paint it in MY colour preferences, to put up paintings which I love but which my wife does not, to be able to play MY rock 'n' roll music all day, without feeling that she should be able to hear her classical stuff too. In short, I would revel in not having to tolerate all of those little things which rile me up each day. (And of course, to be balanced in this, I KNOW that she would similarly love to be able to follow her own preferences, without having to put up with me and my complaints, criticisms, etc.).
But my purpose in writing this paragraph was to indicate to you that there can be lots of NICE things to look forward to, when the time to move does eventually arrive.

Meanwhile, I still take of my hat to both of you for the calm way in which you are both approaching the situation.  May it long continue in that vein.

Best wishes: JohnnyX.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: brian on August 15, 2007, 08:10:09 PM
in my case I'd by lying if I said I don't have bouts of insecurity in wondering if I have enough to offer emotionally, or whether I'm still attractive.

Part of me wants to 'rush in' to a sexual encounter just as a sort of physical validation, another wants to be alone for quite a long time, and yet another only wants close male friendships. I know I need time to heal though - I'm heartbroken about the end of my marriage deep down but the endless flurry of day-to-day life still keeps me from feeling it.

What is most depressing right now is dealing with the mountain of practical things to sort out - having to ask each other for joint credit and bank cards and cutting them in half, writing letters requesting names to be changed.. It all seems so cold and clinical, and this is before I've found somewhere to live. I can't openly say how anxious I feel about adjusting to living on my own, because my wife will understandably point out that this is all happening because of me..

I've 'come out' to myself though, which was an important first step - My avatar now shows me as I am for the whole world to see online, instead of using a picture of me as a baby for relative anonymity.

Andy
I also congratulate you on what must be a very difficult step. While I know you can get help from us in the forum, I do hope you have some close friend in RL to support you at this time. I assure you your avatar shows you are still attractive . :)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on August 15, 2007, 08:39:01 PM
I've 'come out' to myself though, which was an important first step - My avatar now shows me as I am for the whole world to see online, instead of using a picture of me as a baby for relative anonymity.

Andy
Andy, many of the things you are dealing with now...the "cold and clinical" part, is something that happens with every separation, mine included, so maybe that is some small comfort.  I was also the one who made the decision to leave my marriage, though for different reasons...

I like the look of you, honey...an open and questioning man, looking for what is right for YOU!  You are allowed that right, to find your self amidst the turmoil.  What may we do to help?

-Jackie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Boris on August 16, 2007, 11:18:30 AM
First of all, thank you Andy. What you're going through is not easy and your post made me remember the time of my divorce 15 tears ago. At the time it had some surreal feeling to everything I went through. I listened weird music (I remember listening to Cole Porter's "Night and Day" over and over again)... and thinking hard if I ever dared to follow the true desire. Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.

I'm here if you ever want to talk.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: amymm on August 17, 2007, 04:59:02 PM
Hi Andy.   I was glad to see you reply.  I can relate to so many things you said.  Mostly about being torn between having a sexual encounter and also wanting to be alone for a really long time.  I also feel both.  I think it would be so nice to know someone would want me like that again.  I know part of the insecurity is that I feel so awful about what this has done to my family and I need the validation when I feel so bad.  Also, I fear no one will want to commit and be involved with someone with 3 young kids.  I feel like all I'll ever be is a mom.  Being a mom is great-but where do I put all this new found passion?

But being alone is good too, to discover more about myself and find out what I'm actually going to be able to give to someone else.  And unraveling my life from my dh is going to be so hard.  He's a good guy and I still want some family life.  I miss my family in a lot of way, although I know I did the right thing.

Hang in there Andy.  Even though I'm a woman, our experinces are very similar.  PM anytime if you want. 

Amy
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Heath4Ever on August 19, 2007, 10:26:23 AM
The first time I saw the movie, my reaction was fairly conventional - it struck me as a very good story with fine actors and obvious excellent direction.  In short, a good night out.  I then saw the film again about a week later and left the cinema with an altogether different response.....

This time I could not stop crying and I had a terrifying stabbing feeling in my chest.  Was I having a heart attack?  In hindsight, I guess not!  However, my reaction was akin to hearing terrible news about people whom I love.

An overwhelming feeling of sadness consumed me for about a week.  I felt a bit like I was going mad.  I didn't know what these feelings were or where to put them.

One evening, not long after, I compiled a tape of music.  I dedicated each of the songs to a different character in the movie.  (Yeah, carzy, I know, but there you are......)  Now when I play the tape, I feel great peace.

For those of you who might be interested, here are the songs on my tape (I have included a line from each song):

For Jack
THIS SHIRT
by Mary Chapin Carpenter
[“It’s so old I should replace it, but I’m not about to try.”]

For Lureen
HOW DO
by Mary Chapin Carpenter
[“Where’d you get that accent, son, it matches your cowboy boots.”]

For Ennis
FAMILY HANDS
by Mary Chapin Carpenter
[“Raised by the women who were stronger than you know.”]

For Alma
NO ONE’S GONNA LOVE YOU LIKE ME
by Mary McBride
[“I know sometimes you felt so lonely, I know you felt so sad and blue.”]

For Jack
I DON’T WANT TO SAY GOODBYE
by Teddy Thompson
[“All I wanna do is live with you.”]

For Lureen
A LOT LIKE ME
by Mary Chapin Carpenter
[“He had a big ol‘ Gibson and a pick-up truck and Shenandoah eyes.”]

For Ennis
SPEED OF THE SOUND OF LONELINESS
by Nanci Griffith
[“You come on big when you’re feelin’ small.”]

For Alma
HOMETOWN GIRL
by Mary Chapin Carpenter
[“I won‘t forget you but I‘ll let you be.”]

For Jack
I WILL NEVER LET YOU GO
by Jackie Green
[“When I feel that lonesome prairie wind, I let my soul get back to you again.”]

For Lureen
ARE YOU TIRED OF ME, DARLING?
by Nanci Griffith
[“Answer only with your eyes.”]

For Ennis
ACROSS THE GREAT DIVIDE
by Nanci Griffith
[“Countin‘ troubles ‘stead of countin‘ sheep.”]

For Alma
SOMETHING OF A DREAMER
by Mary Chapin Carpenter
[“He promised wine and roses and she thought that was enough.”]

For Jack
A LOVE THAT WILL NEVER GROW OLD
by Emmylou Harris
[“When you wake up, the world may have changed.”]

For Lureen
COMIN’ DOWN IN THE RAIN
by Nanci Griffith
[“It was right next to hers but it’ll only come down in the rain.”]

For Ennis
HE WAS A FRIEND OF MINE
by Willie Nelson
[“A thousand miles from home and he never harmed no one.”]

For Alma
JUST BECAUSE
by Mary Chapin Carpenter
[“Changes come to hearts with ease but they come so hard to me.”]

For Cassie
IT DON’T BRING YOU
by Mary Chapin Carpenter
["I should‘ve known that luck‘s a waste of time.”]

For Alma Junior
TURN AROUND
by Nanci Griffith
[“Where are you goin‘, my baby my own?”]

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: chapeaugris on August 19, 2007, 10:48:59 AM
Funny, I did something similar but with songs from one artist, Greg Brown (he has a deep, dark Ennis-like voice). The six songs I culled from his albums follow the chronology of the story. I posted them in another thread the other day: http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=104.msg975493#msg975493
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Heath4Ever on August 19, 2007, 11:28:43 AM
Many thanks for that.  Your collection of songs sounds great.  Makes me not feel so strange now.  Many people have similar reactions to me.  It's funny, isn't it, that we wrote about our compilations wihout knowing about each other's idea? 

Thanks again and all the best

Glen
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Heath4Ever on August 19, 2007, 02:28:04 PM
Many of you who have been on the forum longer than me will probably have already heard of this song, but for those of you who haven't, here it is.  I refer to it on my tape mentioned above.  (The only dodgy bit is the reference to the cat.  OK, nothing is perfect!)  Otherwise it is great.

THIS SHIRT
by Mary Chapin Carpenter
From the album "Party Doll and Other Favourites" (1999)

This shirt is old and faded
All the color's washed away
I've had it now for more damn years
Than I can count anyway
I wear it beneath my jacket
With the collar turned up high
So old I should replace it
But I'm not about to try

This shirt's got silver buttons
And a place upon the sleeve
Where I used to set my heart up
Right there anyone could see
This shirt is the one I wore to every boring high school dance
Where the boys ignored the girls
And we all pretended to like the band

This shirt was a pillow for my head
On a train through Italy
This shirt was a blanket beneath the love
We made in Argeles
This shirt was lost for three whole days
In a town near Buffalo
'Till I found the locker key
In a downtown Trailways bus depot

This shirt was the one I lent you
And when you gave it back
There was a rip inside the sleeve
Where you rolled your cigarettes
It was the place I put my heart
Now look at where you put a tear
I forgave your thoughtlessness
But not the boy who put it there

This shirt was the place your cat
Decided to give birth to five
And we stayed up all night watching
And we wept when the last one died
This shirt is just an old faded piece of cotton
Shining like the memories
Inside those silver buttons

This shirt is a grand old relic
With a grand old history
I wear it now for Sunday chores
Cleaning house and raking leaves
I wear it beneath my jacket
With the collar turned up high
So old I should replace it
But I'm not about to try
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Art on August 20, 2007, 03:49:58 AM
I've 'come out' to myself though, which was an important first step - My avatar now shows me as I am for the whole world to see online, instead of using a picture of me as a baby for relative anonymity.

Andy

Dear Andy,

I have been thinking of you and the phase of your life that you are in. You have come out to yourself, and that is the most important thing right now. When I look back to that specific moment (I still recall, know date, time and place and remember the feeling) I feel now that it was like a second birth. It is among the most important moments in my life, if not the most important. One of those moments that imply a radical change in your life, and which divides your life in a period before this moment and after this moment. For me it was the beginning of the end of my loneliness. After a lonely childhood and adolescence (because of this terrible secret, of which I didn't even let myself think), and a secret love in which we could not cope with the consequences, I suddenly realized that it was ME being GAY, and that it would not change. This also meant the end of my secret love. I could not stay in this closet. I had to go out and be myself and find others, which happened. So I hope to bring this message convincingly: coming out to yourself is a prerequisite for solving your loneliness. When the time is right, you'll find others.

Art
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: jack on August 20, 2007, 11:39:15 AM
what he said ^^^^
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on August 22, 2007, 10:24:38 PM
I joined this Forum on Jan 18, 2006.  I had NO idea what I was in for.  Did any of us? 

I wanted to understand what was going on in my heart, my soul...why a movie had affected me so immediately, so deeply.

I am still here.  Many have moved on, found new meaning in their lives from this phenomenon, or not....

I am still here.

Does this mean I have not found meaning in my life?  I don't think so....To me, it means that I have found a place where people like the same things I do....who appreciate the same values...a home?  Yeah, I think so....maybe temporary in the grand scheme of things, but so what?

I love this place, and all it represents...

Thank you to all of you who have been here for me...I am grateful....always. :'(




Back to our regularly scheduled program....

-Jackie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on August 23, 2007, 02:03:08 PM
Jackie girl,thank you for your post.

I call it perfect timing....for what I have been thinking about for a long time. About leaving this Forum.I thought I was really ready to let go for sure...this was it. Done deal....but here I am still. Writing...lurking...

I've been in here since January 30th,2006

Now that I think about it,again...after reading your post,maybe it's just the mood I'm in right now...which is a good one ...but all that mumbo I was thinking about is all junk and stupid . I don't know what it is in me that makes me think that I have to leave this place. Is it because we're so busy in real life that I feel no one cares anymore? .it's still nice out so people are just busy...but I have to tell you,and you understand where I'm coming from,Jackie, that I think deep down inside I don't want to be hurt..so I feel like I have to let go before everyone else does. Does that sound pycho to you?...lol....maybe I am paranoid,or even nuts.....but where I came from,there was no such thing as trust..a real friendship..I never really got close to anyone because they either died on me or just didn't care.We never really had things in common anyway. But in here, a different story.So many things in common, I would often ask myself that besides the movie..what else is there?...even with all the friends in here....how long will it last?...And why the hell should I care?...But I can't help but to care...it's something that keeps taking me in here...not the attention...but just wanting to know how people are. Nosey?....no...just pure caring. God,where did all this come from? I surprise myself. I look at the picture threads and by the time I catch up I have a big grin from ear to ear. It's like looking thru a family album....

Many folks have told me that they're not going anywhere...that they care and are going to stay here for as long as it takes. I mean,sure things are different in here,comparing it to how it was almost 2 years ago. And yeah,it doesn't mean that we haven't found our true meaning in life. We all have our reasons to be in here....

I started writing PM's to people ,like a goodbye,and with every one I deleted it before I hit "send". I did send an e-mail to a friend from here....God,did I scare em off?....lol.... ahhh...I'm sure he's used to me by now...lmao...crazy Rican at it again....people like this one friend I'm talking about mean the world to me. It's just amazing how all this came to be..people from different states,different backgrounds.No matter what I say,I don't have to worry. I can be so truthful,yeah I get embarrassed sometimes...for all the goofy things I say..but they accept me for who I am...and I love that feeling. No place I have ever been to has done that.

So I guess for now,it's just little 'ole me popping in from time to time,lurking,reading,writing here and there...but what's most important that no matter how infrequent things get,doesn't mean I never think of you guys,and I have to keep telling myself that you guys still care too. We're Brokies!! Just hit me on the head ever so often...lol....

This is like home Jackie....for some more than others,but it's still home...

Nellie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: fritzkep on August 23, 2007, 03:43:36 PM
Bless you both, Nellie and Jackie.  :-*  :-*  :-*

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on August 23, 2007, 06:24:25 PM
Nellie, mi hermana...

I wrote that post very late last night because the thread had not been visited in a while... and I needed to remember why...why it began for me, why it still is for me...and you are one of the reasons.  As are you, Fritz. And so many of you.

Time for a movie quote:

"There's no place like home...there's no place like home..."   


 ;)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: JohnnyX on August 23, 2007, 10:14:17 PM
Nellie, mi hermana...

I wrote that post very late last night because the thread had not been visited in a while... and I needed to remember why...why it began for me, why it still is for me...and you are one of the reasons.  As are you, Fritz. And so many of you.    ...   ;)

Hello dear Jackie and Nellie.

Thank you both for your posts, as always.
Both of you ARE this thread.
I am glad that each of you has decided to stay.

Jackie, I think that there are several reasons why the thread is fairly moribund at the moment.

One of course is because we might have very few new posters coming here anyway.

Another I feel is because when we have had new posters coming in here, all happy and eager to discuss all aspects of how BBM has AFFECTED them -- with their questioning on diverse areas of how that has affected them -- they have been very pointedly told that they should be posting such things in other threads as they "off topic" in here.   What a quick way to cut off their enthusiasm and to lose them from here!

Another is because most of us might feel that we are just posting repetitiously when we have little or nothing new to add to our earlier posts. (Sure Nellie, we know that you don't feel this way. ROFL  AND just in case you are in a sensitive stage: you should know by now that I LOVE reading everything that you write in here. You are a wonderful inspiration to me, and I would think also to a lot of others. )

Another reason might well be that potential new posters will feel intimidated by the "clubiness" (to put it as nicely as I can) which often inhabits this thread.

Again, it may be that some people who have previously written a lot of great stuff in here, are now giving their time to writing extensively in other threads.

Finally here is a sackful of other bits and pieces on the issue:

One of my wonderful correspondents feels that on those rare occasions when he has posted on here, his viewpoints have not been appreciated. He gauges this either by the stony silence which  his contributions might be greeted with; or with some stinging replies.

Another friend has so much happening in his personal life that he no longer has time to read on the forum at all. Using it mainly to send PMs through to existing contacts.

Others have found new loves in their lives so that they feel that they no longer need the Forum at all; and hand-in-glove with this, they are dedicating so much time to each other that they don't have time to read or post on the threads.

AND I think that a HUGE part of it is the fact that many of us have now had over a year to work through many of the issues which BBM hit us with --- and with help from general reading on the threads and in PMs, might no longer feel the need to inhabit this place like before.

For myself, I still check in here regularly to read the latest posts; with most of my time given over to e-mail or PM messages with the most wonderful people who I have met in here; and with whom I hope never to lose contact.

Thanking both of you Nellie and Jackie for ALWAYS being here for everyone, and for so honestly sharing with us your latest "stage" of being, post BBM.

And might I end with an invitation to anyone out there who is reading and would love to post, but who feels diffident about doing so: please do post, you will be sure to hear back from Nellie and Jackie at least --- but I believe that a LOT of people READ in here all the time; so you never know who might jump out of the woodwork to be a comfort to you.

Regards: JohnnyX.

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: heartbrokefountain on August 24, 2007, 12:02:00 PM
since i'm not sure where to post this, i am putting it here. here is a link on google video to an alternate ending:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8125341902068184287&q=john+trudell&total=81&start=0&num=100&so=3&type=search&plindex=20

whad'ya think?
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on August 24, 2007, 02:21:59 PM

<snip>

Another is because most of us might feel that we are just posting repetitiously when we have little or nothing new to add to our earlier posts. (Sure Nellie, we know that you don't feel this way. ROFL  AND just in case you are in a sensitive stage: you should know by now that I LOVE reading everything that you write in here. You are a wonderful inspiration to me, and I would think also to a lot of others. )

Oh Lord...you know me too well,you're scaring me....bwahahha

<snip>


One of my wonderful correspondents feels that on those rare occasions when he has posted on here, his viewpoints have not been appreciated. He gauges this either by the stony silence which  his contributions might be greeted with; or with some stinging replies.

Others have found new loves in their lives so that they feel that they no longer need the Forum at all; and hand-in-glove with this, they are dedicating so much time to each other that they don't have time to read or post on the threads.

AND I think that a HUGE part of it is the fact that many of us have now had over a year to work through many of the issues which BBM hit us with --- and with help from general reading on the threads and in PMs, might no longer feel the need to inhabit this place like before.

For myself, I still check in here regularly to read the latest posts; with most of my time given over to e-mail or PM messages with the most wonderful people who I have met in here; and with whom I hope never to lose contact.

Thanking both of you Nellie and Jackie for ALWAYS being here for everyone, and for so honestly sharing with us your latest "stage" of being, post BBM.

And might I end with an invitation to anyone out there who is reading and would love to post, but who feels diffident about doing so: please do post, you will be sure to hear back from Nellie and Jackie at least --- but I believe that a LOT of people READ in here all the time; so you never know who might jump out of the woodwork to be a comfort to you.

Regards: JohnnyX.



Johnny,

Thank you so much for such kind words....don't even know how to respond. I'll try by first saying that it's true about not wanting to be so repetitive...blah blah blah all sounds the same...that's one of the reasons why I was feeling I needed to leave.But trying to stay connected is what keeps me in here.

It really makes me feel bad that some people don't feel comfortable in this thread,or elsewhere for that matter in this Forum. It shouldn't be that way...no one in here is a know it all...and if they have nothing nice to say,then they should just shut the hell up...move on,I say....don't rain on anyone's parade..I would love to hear from the newbies as I'm sure many people would too.

Since changing my job I haven't had any time in this Forum to catch up. But I was transferred to another department,a much better one and the hours are fantastic. It gives me time to catch up at home with stuff and unwind in here more often. So I hope to catch a few newbies and chat some when I can. This movie will never go away...the feelings are still here...the impact is still changing lives while others are still working at it. People shouldn't feel that they were late for the party...they should still come in here and tell us how this movie affected them.

I myself don't have time to check out the other threads like I would like....I try to stay in touch at least once a week thru e-mails and PM's....and if my friends can't respond weekly...that's okay,I understand . I try to keep my balance in my life by trying to stay in touch. What more can you do?

I think that clubiness you mention happens in every thread. It happens to me too and at times it really doesn't mean that they're outing you,just means that they're so wrapped up in their conversations that they forget others feelings.....I won't hold it against them. Some people are more sensitive than others,it's really hard to read between the lines for some people sometimes.

Johnny, it's always a pleasure to chat with you,you always have something nice to say to people and for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart. We'll see what happens around here.

One more thing I have to say  ... I just received a PM from a dear friend .It was wonderful to hear from him and hear how happy and busy he is with his life. It's been weeks since I heard from him. But he mentions how disconnected he feels and because he's away from this Forum more and more...it's easy to feel that way. Maybe that's what happened to me these past few months. To a few of us,actually. But I have to say that maybe we should see our movie again,focus on why this movie brought us all together and try to keep that in our hearts. We should never forget and I'm sure for those who are very busy and feel disconnected...that they really didn't forget,just need to be reminded how much they mean to us...never assume they know...you know what I mean?......

Anyway...I'm babbling now...lol...so easy for me to do when I'm in this mood..

Come on newbies...don't be afraid...I see tons and tons of "guests" out there still....you should sign up and join the conversations...did this movie change your life? It had to of if you keep lurking in here.... ;D

Your friend

Nelllie

PS...for someone who just said I don't know how to respond, I sure said alot...bwahahahhaha....good grief!! ::)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on August 24, 2007, 02:23:07 PM
since i'm not sure where to post this, i am putting it here. here is a link on google video to an alternate ending:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8125341902068184287&q=john+trudell&total=81&start=0&num=100&so=3&type=search&plindex=20

whad'ya think?

Sorry hon, my computer won't let me view this.....
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: fritzkep on August 24, 2007, 02:28:35 PM
since i'm not sure where to post this, i am putting it here. here is a link on google video to an alternate ending:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8125341902068184287&q=john+trudell&total=81&start=0&num=100&so=3&type=search&plindex=20

whad'ya think?

Hello and welcome! You may be interested in knowing that this was done by a Forum member here, Bay City John.

Quite good, isn't it?

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on August 24, 2007, 05:09:58 PM
For all of the newbies, the guests, the private folks who prefer NOT to post here or anywhere on the Forum...s'alright, s'alright....we who DO post a LOT  ( ;) ) do understand, but also encourage you, as Nellie said, to share with us what it is that this film has done for you, in a place where it is safe...here with us, your friends....

Johnny is right in that I try to be available to all the folks here, because people were available to me when I so desperately needed it.  Just paying it forward, so to speak....

I am such a lucky woman.   :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: neatfreak on August 24, 2007, 06:12:00 PM
And we are so lucky to have you here, Jackie. Such a blessing to us. :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on August 24, 2007, 06:16:44 PM
Says Betty, my heroine!  Thank you, honey.   :-* :-* :-*

I got to meet Betty in Colorado....one cool lady, if I may say so....

Betty, I wanna be like you when I grow up!   :D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Oregondoggie on August 24, 2007, 08:00:38 PM
Neatfreak and Paintedshoes sure make the Brokeback Mountain sky twinkle!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: heartbrokefountain on August 25, 2007, 02:14:06 PM

Sorry hon, my computer won't let me view this.....

try this one: (though since a forum member did it it may be old news)

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8125341902068184287&q=brokeback+mountain+alternate+ending&total=2&start=0&num=100&so=0&type=search&plindex=0
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: heartbrokefountain on August 25, 2007, 02:17:06 PM

Hello and welcome! You may be interested in knowing that this was done by a Forum member here, Bay City John.

Quite good, isn't it?



thank you! yes, i burst into tears with the wedding scene - very moving, and how we all wish it could've ended...happily ever after...
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: rolie on August 26, 2007, 06:28:15 AM

Hello and welcome! You may be interested in knowing that this was done by a Forum member here, Bay City John.

Quite good, isn't it?



thank you! yes, i burst into tears with the wedding scene - very moving, and how we all wish it could've ended...happily ever after...


Hey there all of you,
Been following your posts(so I'm a lurker,as you call it)

Only posting sometimes when I'm in the mood for it.
I don't express myself very good in englisch,but I can read it  much better.
This time a had to respond to that video on you tube.
Very well done,to whoever who made it,I loved it.
I want you all to know that I love you all and you all are very helpfull to me.
So you keep on writing and I keep on lurking.

Liefs Carolien xxx
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Art on August 27, 2007, 07:56:20 AM
Goeiedag Carolien,

Goed om landgenoten te zien in dit forum!

Wellcome in this forum. Good to see new posters, while the 'old' ones are questioning their practices..... I think this is a recurrent thing, that helps to keep the forum alive. I noticed that after some of you had met each other on get-to-gethers, the tone of the forum changed. A normal thing, I think, because the anonymity was gone for some members and people communicate differently when they know each other personally.

I wonder whether this forum will exist for ever. What do you think, members?

Art
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: JohnnyX on August 27, 2007, 08:18:23 AM

Hey there all of you,
Been following your posts(so I'm a lurker,as you call it)

Only posting sometimes when I'm in the mood for it.
I don't express myself very good in englisch,but I can read it  much better.
This time a had to respond to that video on you tube.
Very well done,to whoever who made it,I loved it.
I want you all to know that I love you all and you all are very helpfull to me.
So you keep on writing and I keep on lurking.

Liefs Carolien xxx


Hello Carolien and WELCOME back to our Affected thread.

I didn't reply the last time that you wrote, expecting that your fellow Slash-lovers would prefer to talk with you on a level that you each relate to. (I am not a Slash fan -- except for the Slash writing of one very special man. ha ha.)

However in that earlier posting of yours, it was really lovely to read that after viewing BBM, it  helped you to appreciate your family more. How wonderful for them, and for you.

I think that you will also find that MANY of us in here can relate to your experience of having friends who do not relate to BBM in the same way that we all relate to it.  We must be very special people, hey?  But WHY don't they "get" it like we do?

We must each handle the film differently. I notice earlier that Nellie suggested getting out the DVD occasionally and re-viewing the film; and that you like to view it again too. Not for me. It devastated me so much, that I have not done most of the things which I should have done in the past 18 months; so I DARE NOT watch it again, in case it puts me right back at the emotional mess level that I have been at for all of this time. Therefore my DVD sits unused -- only having been viewed twice; all within the first two days of when I bought it.

Anyway Carolien, please come back and write to us as often as you feel the need.
Hopefully you will find some thoughts which you would like to share with the rest of us.
And THANK YOU for writing this note to us.

Good wishes: JohnnyX.

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: rolie on August 27, 2007, 11:03:47 AM
Hey Art,

Dat is wel zo gezellig ,ja,een mede-nederlander,maar volgens mij zijn er wel meer aanwezig hier.

I only hope this forum will live forever and ever(i think it will,don't you)

How can we forget BBM. We simply can't.

Hey Johnny,

Off course not all of us are slash-fans.(but I am,hihihi)

But I agree with you that we're all very special people, I only wish I knew the reason why,as so do you.


Anyway thank you fot the welcome and I'll try to post regularly :)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Boris on August 28, 2007, 01:58:46 AM
I wonder whether this forum will exist for ever. What do you think, members?

Art

(Not, if the technical difficulties won't get solved. I composed a reply and the forum kicked me out before I could post it. There was nothing fundamentally irreplaceable in it but it still hurts to see it disappear. And it's not the first time either. So here is what I remembered about its content:)

I do not know. I doubt it. I guess it lasts as long as people feel that they need to take part and contribute. I've been thinking about the impact of the movie and this forum a lot lately... how do I keep what I have learned alive in my everyday life? Does the forum continue in my life through friendships, through the lessons I have learned, the wisdom gathered from others... will the story of two cowboys in love have an impact on my life five years from now? Ten? Twenty?

Don't know. But what I do know is that the movie changed something very fundamental in how I see the world and myself in it. Last summer was a bit difficult for me healthwise and now, on the road to recovery, the movie helped me a lot... life is now. You never know when it's going to be taken away from you or when you might lose a loved one. Life is too valuable to be wasted.

There's a quote of Ayn Rand that has been very meaningful to me lately:

In the name of the best within you, do not sacrifice this world to those who are its worst. In the name of the values that keep you alive, do not let your vision of man be distorted by the ugly, the cowardly, the mindless in those who have never achieved his title. Do not lose your knowledge that man's proper estate is an upright posture, an intransigent mind and a step that travels unlimited roads. Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours.”

Maybe that is the description of the impact in me. Forum may cease to exist but the movie and people who have touched my soul here never will.


Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on August 28, 2007, 05:14:31 AM
Forum may cease to exist but the movie and people who have ouched my soul here never will.


This forum has bought me a great circle of friends and support.  How long will the forum last?  Who knows.  As long as we can ride it......
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Nax on August 28, 2007, 07:46:47 AM
Forum may cease to exist but the movie and people who have ouched my soul here never will.


This forum has bought me a great circle of friends and support.  How long will the forum last?  Who knows.  As long as we can ride it......

There ain't no reigns on this one  ;)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on August 28, 2007, 08:19:07 AM
I wonder whether this forum will exist for ever. What do you think, members?

Art


I do not know. I doubt it. I guess it lasts as long as people feel that they need to take part and contribute. I've been thinking about the impact of the movie and this forum a lot lately... how do I keep what I have learned alive in my everyday life? Does the forum continue in my life through friendships, through the lessons I have learned, the wisdom gathered from others... will the story of two cowboys in love have an impact on my life five years from now? Ten? Twenty?

Don't know. But what I do know is that the movie changed something very fundamental in how I see the world and myself in it. Last summer was a bit difficult for me healthwise and now, on the road to recovery, the movie helped me a lot... life is now. You never know when it's going to be taken away from you or when you might lose a loved one. Life is too valuable to be wasted.

<snip>

Maybe that is the description of the impact in me. Forum may cease to exist but the movie and people who have touched my soul here never will.




Jari,

Thank you for your quote ,it's beautiful and so meaningful....you must read it a few times to grasp the meaning of it. Let's try to live by it !

For you and me and people who have been here since day one,I feel that we are the one's who have realized that maybe this Forum will not last forever only because for us,it's changed so much. After we have all met in person,we seek those whom we have clicked with,connected with,shared with. We weren't afraid to show ourselves,cry together,laugh,and get angry with. We always came back to "us". The sudden impact of this movie has faded away...but not forever.It will never leave our memory. Since we have had almost 2 years to discuss the affects of Brokeback,how it's changed our ways of thinking,our ways of living our day to day lives..we have come to realize our peace,our balance. And that is why many of us are slowly leaving this Forum,myself included...but it's not leaving entirely,just moving on,but keeping a grip with the rest of the people who still hang out a lot in here for whatever reason they choose. The time people have to visit the picture threads,the Diner,and for those who are stuck on that slash stuff,it will continue for quite some time.

I will NEVER go back to how it was...how I thought..my frame of judgement...I'm a Brokie now,forever changed by the people I have come across in here,the one's I've met,the one's I have spoken to on the phone,the one's I have Emailed with. I can't even begin to tell you how much all this has meant to me. This movie will always be engraved in my memory. Those two men will always live in me,in my heart and soul.

We will always be learning from our mistakes,always needing to talk to someone to get an opinion,and I truly hope that with those I have grown to love that they will always be around for me and I for them.That we can pick up the phone or Email each other once in awhile.  Even when this Forum will no longer exist. We were so used to that instant contact from each other...that instant communication we all once had,and this is the part that is very difficult for me right now.This is the part that is hard to let go. But it's a step we all must take sooner or later,the rest is all up to us.

Nellie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on August 28, 2007, 09:48:26 PM
I agree with both Jari and Nellie....

I have no idea how long this Forum will last...but....the people I have met here, the joys and sorrows I have shared here, the person I am now...all new, all respected, all loved...and I include myself, for I did not love myself before Brokeback and this place.

I will take all I can from this place...suck the marrow from the bones and be grateful....always....for all of you!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Oregondoggie on August 29, 2007, 11:17:19 PM
Wherever two or more of us are gathered together... there is Brokeback Mountain

Today, on a wickedly hot afternoon in Portland, met up with another local member of our flock, dback (Dean B.), for iced coffee and lots of scratchin' our Brokeback itches.  Showed him photos from Colorado, Wyoming, and Alberta.  Photos of Linda Andrews and Michael Flanagan on their horses.  Photos of Ennis's truck that EDelMar owns. 

Had a pile of stones from Aguirre's parking lot in Cowley to mess around with on the table as we talked and talked and talked, thinking of you all.  Brokeback got us good!

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on August 30, 2007, 09:32:21 AM
Ennis is who rules the lives of many of us, stalling us where we are.

No, all you Ennis' out there....please keep kicking yourselves in the ass...you must move on..you MUST tell yourself that it CAN change....making little steps at a time,that's all !!

Let's keep watching our movie and keep saying..."Well,I won't"
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: AWT on August 31, 2007, 07:51:28 AM
No, all you Ennis' out there....please keep kicking yourselves in the ass...you must move on.. you MUST tell yourself that it CAN change....making little steps at a time,that's all !!

So true, Nellie..

I've signed over the house to my wife, will eventually pay off the £20,000 ($40,000) debts we ran up, and move into a rented room on October 1st. Some may say it's out of guilt but no, I think its's the right thing to do so I did it. On paper I ain't got nuthin to my name..

What I have got (and always had) is the love and support of my family, no more hidden longings and the freedom to be my true self. The fear of isolation and loneliness was all just needlessly amplified in my mind. I'm not saying it will be as good an outcome for all Ennis' here, but it's only when you know you're living an authentic life that you realise what a self-imposed hell you were existing in. I'm at peace for the first time in my life, I really am.

I haven't watched Brokeback for some time.. probably because it would remind me of the dark place I was in when I first saw it, and there's been no shortage of tearful moments and dramatic scenes in my own life to deal with.. But it will always be 'my' defining movie - 'our' movie.

Andy



Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on August 31, 2007, 07:57:56 AM
What I have got (and always had) is the love and support of my family, no more hidden longings and the freedom to be my true self. The fear of isolation and loneliness was all just needlessly amplified in my mind. I'm not saying it will be as good an outcome for all Ennis' here, but it's only when you know you're living an authentic life that you realise what a self-imposed hell you were existing in. I'm at peace for the first time in my life, I really am.


Andy, it is so good to see you begin this period of growth!  Congratulations on taking these steps!

Good things will happen for you!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on August 31, 2007, 08:58:58 AM
No, all you Ennis' out there....please keep kicking yourselves in the ass...you must move on.. you MUST tell yourself that it CAN change....making little steps at a time,that's all !!

So true, Nellie..

I've signed over the house to my wife, will eventually pay off the £20,000 ($40,000) debts we ran up, and move into a rented room on October 1st. Some may say it's out of guilt but no, I think its's the right thing to do so I did it. On paper I ain't got nuthin to my name..

What I have got (and always had) is the love and support of my family, no more hidden longings and the freedom to be my true self. The fear of isolation and loneliness was all just needlessly amplified in my mind. I'm not saying it will be as good an outcome for all Ennis' here, but it's only when you know you're living an authentic life that you realise what a self-imposed hell you were existing in. I'm at peace for the first time in my life, I really am.

I haven't watched Brokeback for some time.. probably because it would remind me of the dark place I was in when I first saw it, and there's been no shortage of tearful moments and dramatic scenes in my own life to deal with.. But it will always be 'my' defining movie - 'our' movie.

Andy

Andy hon,

I can't begin to tell you how very proud I am of you. You know you always have to listen to your heart;your instincts. Life is never easy but when you do what's best for yourself,or try to at least...it sure makes life a bit easier. Although it may take longer for others..it's still the right step towards your happiness. You're on the right track hon,and the fact that you have such a loving and supportive family...why heck,you will never fail.

You just wait and see now how things will all come to play,always be truthful to yourself and it will show thru your eyes...your smile..someone will notice "you"....

Good luck ,sweetheart...we're here for you

Nellie :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on August 31, 2007, 09:52:11 AM
Andy, I'm so happy for you, for accepting and living the authentic life you are entitiled to. 

As Nellie said, we are here to help along the way.   :-* :-* :-*

-Jackie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: JohnnyX on August 31, 2007, 09:55:50 AM

I've signed over the house to my wife, will eventually pay off the £20,000 ($40,000) debts we ran up, and move into a rented room on October 1st. Some may say it's out of guilt but no, I think it's the right thing to do so I did it. On paper I ain't got nuthin to my name..
...
Andy

Hello Andy!

Thanks for keeping us updated on your "happenings".

Your comment that "it's the right thing to do, so I did it" shows what calibre of man you are!
Congratulations! For quite a while now there has been a discussion on the "Masculine and Gay: Mutually Exclusive?" thread about masculinity. That sort of integrity I find to be very masculine!
Yes, I know that my dear DesertRat will probably chime in here and point out the sexism in such a statement - but NO Martina, I am NOT inferring that such high-integrity is not part of being female also; just that to me it connotes a wonderful masculine strength; which is lacking in many males (just ask all of those wives who have to fight through child support to get anything for the children of the relationship).

Andy, I agree with your thinking about signing over your share of the house to your wife, as she will be using it I assume to continue to provide a home for your children.  Many years ago when discussing a similar, but only hypothetical situation with some friends, they felt that I was stupid for saying that in a context similar to yours, I would be HAPPY for my wife to have the home to bring up the children in; and that as my life's work had been primarily to obtain and provide a marital home and that I no longer needed one, then it would be only fair to give it to them with no strings attached; and to start out trying to obtain something smaller just for myself for the future.  But as I said, that was all a hypothetical discussion.  In fact my wife has said many times that she KNOWS that I wouldn't separate from her, because I would not want to lose my few assets. Ha ha.  But I know that although she has good reason for such cynicism; that in this case she would be wrong.

Keep well Andy; and all the best for your future NEW LIFE!
JohnnyX.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: jstephens9 on September 01, 2007, 09:03:04 PM
Well, I would say that Brokeback continues to affect me most every day and sometimes in ways that it did not affect me the day before or the day after the present day. I remember seeing an ad that the movie was going to come out and I made a note of it. I did not see it until the day before the Oscars. I had no idea the affect that it would have on me then and on me now. I had been in an Ennis/Jack type relationship since November of 2000 and actually that still continues now the first day of September 2007. Brokeback showed me what I am in, but I guess it didn't provide the answer. Instead, it provided a lot of tears like it still does now. My guy is the Ennis and yes he did see the movie, but it did not have the magical affect of making him see anything more clearly. It did me, but I still continue on loving him and thinking that one day it might all change. Like Jack, I keep thinking that it will. Nobody knows the future so maybe it will, but if I were betting I would doubt it. My name is Jack and he even tells me that he liked that guy the best cause he thought he reminded him of me. I hate to think that one day down the road that he is going to realize how much I really did mean to him when it is too late. Sometimes, many times, I think I need to move on with my life, but the thing is that I love this guy so much. Getting involved with the BBM groups and doing a lot of travel has helped me, but it is of the upmost importance that wherever I am that I can talk with him.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: JohnnyX on September 02, 2007, 09:29:14 AM
Well, I would say that Brokeback continues to affect me most every day and sometimes in ways that it did not affect me the day before or the day after the present day. I remember seeing an ad that the movie was going to come out and I made a note of it. I did not see it until the day before the Oscars. I had no idea the affect that it would have on me then and on me now. I had been in an Ennis/Jack type relationship since November of 2000 and actually that still continues now the first day of September 2007. Brokeback showed me what I am in, but I guess it didn't provide the answer. Instead, it provided a lot of tears like it still does now. My guy is the Ennis and yes he did see the movie, but it did not have the magical affect of making him see anything more clearly. It did me, but I still continue on loving him and thinking that one day it might all change. Like Jack, I keep thinking that it will. Nobody knows the future so maybe it will, but if I were betting I would doubt it. My name is Jack and he even tells me that he liked that guy the best cause he thought he reminded him of me. I hate to think that one day down the road that he is going to realize how much I really did mean to him when it is too late. Sometimes, many times, I think I need to move on with my life, but the thing is that I love this guy so much. Getting involved with the BBM groups and doing a lot of travel has helped me, but it is of the upmost importance that wherever I am that I can talk with him.

Hello Jack.

Wow! Thank you for posting here -- well over a year since you saw the film, and you have been reading here all this time! Phew!  I thought that I was slow in posting when I read back postings  for about 7 months before joining up and finally posting in here.

Jack: your story sounds so sad, with the limited details which you provide here; and yet it also sounds excellent that you have both been "together" in whatever way for almost 7 years! That is a huge achievement.  But I guess that a lot will depend upon the definition of "together". 

What I mean is that if you are both an "item" emotionally and sexually, but just live in separate accommodations, when you might prefer that you live together; then that can be seen as a successful relationship -- even though it doesn't reach to your desired level.  To my mind that would be analogous to the 20-year relationship which Jack and Ennis had; and it looks like you two might also make at least that 20-year "record" for yourselves.

Similarly, if at least one of you is already in another committed relationship, but you still see each other fairly regularly for sex; then I think that the analogy also applies.

BUT if you desire him, and have done so for 7 years, but he will not come across; THEN the situation does indeed sound so sad.

Somehow I expect that my hypotheses here probably do not touch anywhere close to the realities of your situation; so would you be willing to expand a bit more on it, please Jack; as with a fuller picture, some of us in here might be able to offer attempts at appropriate thoughts in reply.

Regardless, thank you for having the courage to finally write in here what you have. I do hope that doing that might have been cathartic for you -- just to be able to share it!
Regards: JohnnyX.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on September 02, 2007, 11:00:36 AM
Jack, thanks for taking the time to post up your story! 

Sending you positive vibes and good wishes!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on September 02, 2007, 07:12:03 PM
Well, I would say that Brokeback continues to affect me most every day and sometimes in ways that it did not affect me the day before or the day after the present day. I remember seeing an ad that the movie was going to come out and I made a note of it. I did not see it until the day before the Oscars. I had no idea the affect that it would have on me then and on me now. I had been in an Ennis/Jack type relationship since November of 2000 and actually that still continues now the first day of September 2007. Brokeback showed me what I am in, but I guess it didn't provide the answer. Instead, it provided a lot of tears like it still does now. My guy is the Ennis and yes he did see the movie, but it did not have the magical affect of making him see anything more clearly. It did me, but I still continue on loving him and thinking that one day it might all change. Like Jack, I keep thinking that it will. Nobody knows the future so maybe it will, but if I were betting I would doubt it. My name is Jack and he even tells me that he liked that guy the best cause he thought he reminded him of me. I hate to think that one day down the road that he is going to realize how much I really did mean to him when it is too late. Sometimes, many times, I think I need to move on with my life, but the thing is that I love this guy so much. Getting involved with the BBM groups and doing a lot of travel has helped me, but it is of the upmost importance that wherever I am that I can talk with him.
Jack,

Don't ever stop talking to your man, whatever happens...whether you are meant to be together for the short or long term...TALK to him, understand him, love him..for that is what counts, my friend...understanding and love...so try and hold on, as hard as you can, for as long as you can...and know we will be here to help, as long as we can.

-Jackie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Oregondoggie on September 02, 2007, 11:33:24 PM
Friday...
 
A close encounter of the Brokeback Kind...

While hosting a Vancouver member of the Cullen site, Lyle Benzely (Platitudes), I gave him a pin to wear that proclaims "I (heart) Jack and Ennis".  Inside a video store, a tall drink of water approached us.   He said, with great enthusiasm, "I'd surely love to have a pin like that.  I belong to a web site devoted to Brokeback Mountain." "Oh," we said grinning, "which one?".  "Dave Cullen," he replied.  "It's all yours, Buddy," I said, asking Lyle to unpin it and hand it over. "Lyle, Don't worry. There are several more at home."  The fellow identified himself as Sagebrush Dan, one of our members, and proudly pinned it on.

Hot damn!



Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: fritzkep on September 03, 2007, 08:49:56 AM
That's so neat, Larry!

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on September 03, 2007, 08:49:54 PM
Sagebrush Dan has four posts, though he has been a member for a long time.  Thank you, Dan, for being here, and for talking to Larry and Lyle, and for loving Brokeback.   :-* :-* :-*


-Jackie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Flyboy on September 04, 2007, 01:59:55 PM
You mean we don't have to post everyday to be remembered here? haha.........great news and story Oregondoggie.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: AWT on September 05, 2007, 04:23:41 PM
Andy, I agree with your thinking about signing over your share of the house to your wife, as she will be using it I assume to continue to provide a home for your children.  Many years ago when discussing a similar, but only hypothetical situation with some friends, they felt that I was stupid for saying that in a context similar to yours, I would be HAPPY for my wife to have the home to bring up the children in; and that as my life's work had been primarily to obtain and provide a marital home and that I no longer needed one, then it would be only fair to give it to them with no strings attached

Hi Johnny,
From the outset, we wanted the mimimum upheval from the children's P.O.V., and no legal wrangling over maintenance for them. The house is worth $300,000, and my wife will take on a smaller mortgage in her name to pay off the remaining $90,000 mortgage we had together. Effectively a $210,000 settlement.
Although I will pay no formal maintenance, I will pay for 'ad hoc' needs the children have - school trips, uniforms, holidays etc. We'll only divorce if my wife wants to remarry - Minimum of 'legal' steps is the best way at the moment.

From my own perspective, although I will always be closely involved with my wife and children and stay local, I'm glad I no longer have the commitment of a mortgage - I feel I need to be able to 'move about' at the drop of a hat by lodging for a couple of years, need to feel more in control of my surroundings in a way.


Jack,
Quote
I hate to think that one day down the road that he is going to realize how much I really did mean to him when it is too late. Sometimes, many times, I think I need to move on with my life, but the thing is that I love this guy so much.
I hope you can find a way forward with your partner.. All I can suggest is to keep the lines of communication open, and make sure he is in no doubt about how you feel. It's risky - you might not like what he has to say but at least you tried.

All the best,
Andy
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on September 10, 2007, 02:21:51 PM
Hello all,

Just wanted to share something with you folks.

We all wondered if it's too late for love,or maybe if "I should of done it when I was younger"...or..."what if" ...all that stupid stuff that crawls into our brains....well ,I rec'd a phone call from a buddy of mine that I used to work with in my old job. She gave me some great news.

I worked with another lady a few years back.She retired a few years ago.Was married ,had kids;they're all older than me right now.She led a miserable life...her husband wasn't very nice to her. He had died a few years back and she lived alone...depressed,her health started failing her. She wanted to give up. We would call her to check up on her,trying to keep her spirits up. She would always say she was going to stop by for some coffee but never did...I always felt guilty I never had enough time to stop by her place. But I always said...girlfriend,you're never to old for nothing...she'd laugh and say "yeah right..you're not 79 years old,lady Jane"...she would say...bwahhaha....well,guess what?....she's GETTING MARRIED!!!  whewwww..I almost fell off my chair,in fact I was speechless....she decided to go for it...was friends with a nice gentleman....always liked him,wondered what her kids would say..if only!!  WHO CARES!!!  He treats her so nice and she said she has never felt so young in all her life....how sad...They finally decided that life is too short,especially when you're 79 years old...good grief...he's 80!!  God Bless them!!

So you see?...Life is too short...and it's never too late for love...never too late to change your life!!

Nellie ;D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: conny on September 11, 2007, 12:37:50 AM
great story nell and very happy for that woman.the grandma of a friend of mine got a new "boyfriend"   ;) at 90, so everything is possible.
but i really hope i will meet her a bit sooner  ;) so far no luck yet! sometimes i just don`t understand women. two weeks ago i send out a message to a girl on a site/forum and what you do you think just no response at all,not even i`m not interested or youre not my type,or whatever,just total neglect and i so hate that!!  :-\  have had that three times now,so have had enough for a while! i`m gonna write her a new message how much she dissapointed me!(cause she really had this friendly,open face and profile)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on September 12, 2007, 01:12:27 AM
I really understand you Conny darling, something similar  happened to me as well....and it's always so painful!
Can't help wondering why people don't have the courage to be more direct?
But maybe she was just too busy, or had comp problems, or she's confused, or........let's try to think positive!

Hugs hugs hugs and have a nice day!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: conny on September 12, 2007, 05:33:36 AM
I really understand you Conny darling, something similar  happened to me as well....and it's always so painful!
Can't help wondering why people don't have the courage to be more direct?
But maybe she was just too busy, or had comp problems, or she's confused, or........let's try to think positive!

Hugs hugs hugs and have a nice day!

oh yes i have thought on all of that,but on that site you can see when someones has been on the site and has read your message and in two weeks time she has read it and has been on the site on daily basis,so enough time i think  ;)
and this was the thirth time it happenend,so i wrote her a new message that i wish her all the best but am done with it,somewhat the same words as i put here.

it wasnt even that painfull,but with me it always takes some time before i find the courage to write a message so then it at least is nice to get an answer,wheater its positive or negative,i dont care. i just hate it to be left in the dark. 
for that point i guess men are much more direct.  ;)

hugs back at ya  :)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on September 12, 2007, 01:53:47 PM
for that point i guess men are much more direct.  ;)


Uhhh...not sure about that one hon...!!  ;)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on September 12, 2007, 01:57:51 PM
but on that site you can see when someones has been on the site and has read your message and in two weeks time she has read it and has been on the site on daily basis,so enough time i think 

LOL.......(not laughing at you of course!) I've seen this all, too!

and I don't know, yes, maybe men ARE more direct (not always) and that's something I appreciate....well I've learned to be more direct myself (mostly as a consequence of this movie, forum and the mayhem that they caused in me) but then sometimes, after I've spoken - or written - I bite my lips but its too late!!

.....not easy! I wish you good luck, and hope at least you get an honest answer! if you need to pour yourself out with a perfect stranger....feel free to do it! PM me or else! xx
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: conny on September 12, 2007, 02:15:06 PM
cool, found someone with the same experience, so i`m not an alien  ;)
i dont need an answer any more, after i wrote her the second message,i was done with it and then i move on and am also done with internet dating for a while  ;)

i also never was that direct and still am not all the time, and i always think before i talk, but i do express my feelings and am always honest. and when some one takes the time to send me a pm or message or whatever i at least can give them an answer.
thats all about being polite.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Sagebrush Dan on September 12, 2007, 07:54:39 PM
Friday...
 
A close encounter of the Brokeback Kind...

Hi there,
Finally found this post, thank you Painted Shoes. 

Great video store, by the way.  One of the few independents left.  Has an incredibly wide range of videos, plus movie memorabilia — including one of the knives used in Psycho, the hat worn by Tony Curtis from Some Like it Hot, the "curtains" dress that Julie Andrews wore in  The Sound of Music when they sang "Do Re Mi", and so on and so on.

Sorry to threadjack, but glad to be here.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on September 12, 2007, 07:58:03 PM
No, not "threadjacking," Dan....glad you are here, and I'm Jackie, by the way...

I tried to pm you, but was told you restricted my pm's.  Glitch, or dontcha like me?   ;)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Sagebrush Dan on September 12, 2007, 08:14:48 PM
I tried to pm you, but was told you restricted my pm's.  Glitch, or dontcha like me?   ;)

It was a glitch and it is now fixed.  PM away.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on September 13, 2007, 07:16:12 PM
So, you answered my pm, so all is well.   :D   :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: fritzkep on September 13, 2007, 07:38:56 PM
By the way, Dan, love your avatar, Remington, right? Or is it Russell?

mod: former avatar
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on September 15, 2007, 08:36:27 PM
I find myself in a quandery and a conundrum...silly, I know, but that is the way of it.

Since I was I child, the oldest of 8 siblings, I was the peace-keeper, the second parent, the one who helped.

I have found that to be true all my life. I am the peace-keeper, the second parent, the one who helped.

The problem for me has become:  I am the the peace-keeper, the second parent, the one who helped.




I am so lucky, in so many ways.  I have made friends here that I would never have thought possible.  Men, women, who like me, who care about me.

But.....when I have performed the function for which I was intended...(see above)...I am no longer needed....no longer wanted...I am superfluous....I am the peace-keeper, the second parent, the one who helped.


So....I am in trouble, because part of me wants to believe this nonsense and most of me dismisses it for the nonsense it is...

Any ideas, anyone?

RATS!  I hate this vulnerability....but, I need help.   :-\

and I'm going to bed, cause I can't deal with any more tonight.

I love this place so much....

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on September 15, 2007, 09:30:53 PM
Jackie...

Two brothers before me, both developmentally disabled. One sister after me who has suffered emotional and psychological disabilities all her life. I've felt alone all my days, the one in charge much of the time when I was a child as my parents were divorced, raised by my mother who was not entirely there.

Aside from friends, many of them I met through this forum, I have no family. Self reliant, for the most part, too independant, too alone. A product of what was, and continues to be.

I am heading to San Francisco in the morning to spend some time with some of these same people. It's gonna be a blast, I know that! But I'll come back home Tuesday evening, back to the apartment with a dog, two cats, a bird and a bunch of buddhist statues, alone.

I will wake up chatting with Nick, though, while he's at work in Ipswich. He, Nick, is the one who makes waking up each afternoon worth while. It's him and our future together that makes the days beyond a bit more pleasant.

I'm thinking who we are, as we are, has a reason. Growing into our purpose should be our trek. Sometimes the hills on the way get a bit overwhelming, but those we meet along the path can certainly push us forward, if we allow them to.

Here's to breathing, Big Sis!

Love you!

Your Lil Bro,
Rob
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on September 16, 2007, 05:52:54 AM
Jackie...

Two brothers before me, both developmentally disabled. One sister after me who has suffered emotional and psychological disabilities all her life. I've felt alone all my days, the one in charge much of the time when I was a child as my parents were divorced, raised by my mother who was not entirely there.

Aside from friends, many of them I met through this forum, I have no family. Self reliant, for the most part, too independant, too alone. A product of what was, and continues to be.

I am heading to San Francisco in the morning to spend some time with some of these same people. It's gonna be a blast, I know that! But I'll come back home Tuesday evening, back to the apartment with a dog, two cats, a bird and a bunch of buddhist statues, alone.

I will wake up chatting with Nick, though, while he's at work in Ipswich. He, Nick, is the one who makes waking up each afternoon worth while. It's him and our future together that makes the days beyond a bit more pleasant.

I'm thinking who we are, as we are, has a reason. Growing into our purpose should be our trek. Sometimes the hills on the way get a bit overwhelming, but those we meet along the path can certainly push us forward, if we allow them to.
Here's to breathing, Big Sis!

Love you!

Your Lil Bro,
Rob
Oh, my darling brother,

You always put things in perspective for me.  Thank you, my friend.  I'm breathing.

Your big sis,
Jackie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: conny on September 16, 2007, 10:28:48 AM
((((jackie)))) darling you are so needed by so many people and you mean the world to me!! and was there for me always in the past, you were the one who helped me on those lonely night a while ago,when i was so deperate. You were there every night to talk to me,to listen en give me faith and hope. And it was so good to hear your voice when i was at brad`s. You indeed care a lot,youre always the first with a card, a phonecall.
I guess you really would have been some place else this weekend right and i so know how you feel!!
But know there are always people out here for you and i think it was a huge step to write this down and ask for help!!

Know that i love you hon!! and one day we meet again! it just sucks sometimes that money keeps us from doing things we love so much or meeting people we need to see.
so hang in there baby it will get better!!
 :-*  :-*  :-* from another lonely soul!!  we just keep on fighting and one day you too will find love again!! keep the faith!  :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: jack on September 16, 2007, 02:14:00 PM
a heartfelt observation from another "professional" caretaker.

it is both a joy and the pain of seeing someone so fulling come into themselves that they no longer require the love we have lavished on them.  it is right and fitting that they move on and live without the training wheels.  i have come to know this in personal life, and particularly in AA.  the babies my fly.

here's something else i learned.  if we have done our jobs well, and let go with as much grace as we can muster, they eventually come back in gratitude.  not only that, they often carry on the love they received, by passing it on to the next hurting soul.

paying it forward doesn't always net a reward we can see, but it always bears fruit.

jack
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on September 16, 2007, 05:13:57 PM
Conny, darling, thank you. I HAVE felt better all day. I guess I was just in a lonely place last night, feeling sorry for myself, just a little. Your words, and Rob's and those of the dear friends who pm'd me mean the world to me. 

Jack, you are absolutely right!  Thank you.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: bradINblue on September 16, 2007, 10:12:03 PM
A person who runs into a burning building and rescues a mother and child in 1980 is a hero, and in that year everyone knows it. In 2007, that person still ran into that building a quarter century ago. Yeah, folks may say 'who' and a few may reply, 'don't you remember?', but the bottom line is, such heroism, while certainly forgotton, will forever be with that child and mother and hopefully not forgotton by that very hero.

Brad


Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on September 17, 2007, 10:25:18 AM
I had wanted to get past my recent outburst quietly...but...

Several dear friends here are under the assumption that my comments referred to someone here on the Forum. At first, I did not comment on that, but, it became a more common theme. That is not the case.  I re-read my post and can see how this conclusion was drawn.  I apologise.  The issue concerns a young woman of my acquaintance who needed my help, which was freely given, along with my friendship, which was accepted, then simply, she moved on.  Or, as Jack put it, she moved on with her life, without the training wheels,  and I did not want to accept that.  I see it more clearly now, and I am very grateful to all of you for your concern.

The End.... ;)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: desertrat on September 17, 2007, 04:23:49 PM
i'm glad to hear that, jackie. yes, sometimes it hurts when we have to let people go - or if they just move on without us. but i hope you know (even if sometimes it is soooo hard to convince your heart) that there are many people here who love you just for the person you are, no expectations or anything, we just love YOU.  :)  :-* :-* :-*

but your post rang a bell for me - something that is weighting on my heart for quite a while now. i'm not sure i can express it the right way, but i'll try. when i joined this forum, i was, like you, a caretaker, a peacekeeper, a compassionate soul through and through. it was so easy to be compassionate with everybody, to live just for others -  so much that i lost myself in it. but the movie changed me. it showed me that i have to be true to myself, have to be the person i am and go my way in life - because even compassion with others can become a trailer in which life is very, very lonely.
but the more i grew myself, the more i decided to take my life in my own hands, the harder it became to just pet everybody's hand and backs and tell them how much i admire them and how much i feel for them. i came to the point where i felt "wait. and who feels for me ?" please, don't get me wrong, i don't want or need outbursts of love and compassion now, please, i am a big girl.  ;) but i came to turning points. moments where i had to stand up for myself. against the "general opinion", moments, when i felt that this place was no place for me any more. moments, where it was not enough any more for me to be the wonderful, compassionate, loving woman. and those moments drove me away from the forum.
i'm now living in between things - on one side, i am so happy about the wonderful people i met here, the friendships that were so generously offered to me - and my own, personal needs. i can't find an easy solution to that, so i'll live with it. i'm still very grateful for finding this place, and i don't regret a minute of it. but i'm also grateful for the life i won now - finally, i feel strong and happy.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on September 17, 2007, 05:12:52 PM
Hmmmmm....reading these past posts on this Forum is like coming out of my head type of thing....did I say that right?...lol

Jackie,my dear hermana, Come here,let me hug you...(((Jackie))).....

Sweetie,I have to tell you,and you know damn well why we love each other so,we have many similar thoughts,concerns,paranoia,whatever you call it...lol....but the past couple of weeks I have felt very alone in my little world. I too have always been the one people talk to,the one people come venting to,I'm the middle child of 4,but my dad always said I was different....yeah ,yeah,different didn't mean anything to me..never understood why;how. My two sisters are closer to each other than I am with them...they go out and don't invite me,thinking I'm too busy with my hubby and kids,so why bother asking me...it hurts...and yeah,they're right...they're both divorced....one has no kids the older has grown kids....me,I'm in the middle...once again. This week they decided to take a mini vacation up to Wisconsin for a few days...never asked me if I can go,even if I had said no,it was nice to get asked...and it hurts once again....I guess my problem is that I should have a small talk with them...but I'm tired of always being the peace maker,always being the first one. Just tired....my hubby gets furious with them but I'm the one that makes excuses for them..."oh,it's okay hon"..."I'd say..they're not mean in that way...they mean well".....he doesn't like when my feelings get hurt.....at times he would catch me crying silently...on other stupid things they do,unintentionally...oh well,that's life...toughen up...there's more worse things out there to fuss about anyway.

But I"m happy,don't get me wrong...my life is filled with other things.....but it's just a balance you need...just like in here...friends

And yeah at times I feel the same way in here....always the one to write first...always the one to PM first....waiting for a response...nothing....and when that response comes in days later,if at all...it's okay...I smile and think it was said with a good heart. 

Jackie...I understand when you say you no longer feel needed...yeah...same here kiddo. but we mustn't put ourselves thru all this torment....I told myself I can't any longer, even though it does hurt sometimes...hell,you know people still care...and some will never forget you...or me or the next person. And it's okay to to think of it as nonsense....we're caring fools,so soft hearted that at times you wonder what made you this way...these people in here?...no...we were always this way dear heart....but it's the kind souls and the many wonderful friends we made in here...in this Forum...as many a times this Forum will change...our hearts are still captured in here....it's these people in here from all over the world that has made us who we are today,hermana...and that's something NO ONE can take away from us...how many doubts we may have over the course of the years....hell...go ahead and doubt,that's normal....someone out there is thinking of you even if you never did know....when I look up in that beautiful dark sky and see all those gorgeous stars up there...as clear as ever...I know one of my amigos may be looking at that same star...making a wish as I am....and that makes me smile....and silently I make a wish for them as well,just in case they don't have the time...I say.."Ohhh...this one's for Jackie....for Jari...for Wayne...for Conny...for Brad...Terry...Gerry....Mitchie....Lenny....Fritzie....Robbie...Sal...Nikko.....Lord have Mercy....I'll take up this whole thread naming all the names that mean the world to me.............bwahahahhah

Nellie...XOXOXOX
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on September 17, 2007, 10:22:09 PM
i'm glad to hear that, jackie. yes, sometimes it hurts when we have to let people go - or if they just move on without us. but i hope you know (even if sometimes it is soooo hard to convince your heart) that there are many people here who love you just for the person you are, no expectations or anything, we just love YOU.  :)  :-* :-* :-*

but your post rang a bell for me - something that is weighting on my heart for quite a while now. i'm not sure i can express it the right way, but i'll try. when i joined this forum, i was, like you, a caretaker, a peacekeeper, a compassionate soul through and through. it was so easy to be compassionate with everybody, to live just for others -  so much that i lost myself in it. but the movie changed me. it showed me that i have to be true to myself, have to be the person i am and go my way in life - because even compassion with others can become a trailer in which life is very, very lonely.
but the more i grew myself, the more i decided to take my life in my own hands, the harder it became to just pet everybody's hand and backs and tell them how much i admire them and how much i feel for them. i came to the point where i felt "wait. and who feels for me ?" please, don't get me wrong, i don't want or need outbursts of love and compassion now, please, i am a big girl.  ;) but i came to turning points. moments where i had to stand up for myself. against the "general opinion", moments, when i felt that this place was no place for me any more. moments, where it was not enough any more for me to be the wonderful, compassionate, loving woman. and those moments drove me away from the forum.
i'm now living in between things - on one side, i am so happy about the wonderful people i met here, the friendships that were so generously offered to me - and my own, personal needs. i can't find an easy solution to that, so i'll live with it. i'm still very grateful for finding this place, and i don't regret a minute of it. but i'm also grateful for the life i won now - finally, i feel strong and happy.
Martina, my Sunshine, I understand where you are now...I have been there as well, my dear sister.

I am, by nature, the caregiver, the protector, the helper...it is who I am, but!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I learned, with great difficulty, that this is NOT the only way to be..I forgot that, for a bit, due to the young woman I told about, but it is still true...

You, my darling sister, are entitled to be WHO you are, not what others, or even you, yourself, expect you to be.  You are obligated to be true to yourself.  It need not be at the expense of the nurturing side of yourself...the two are not mutually exclusive...

I am reminded of an old song.  Please forgive me for quoting it here, but I find it to be relevant:

"You are my Sunshine, my only Sunshine,
You make me happy, when skies are gray.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my Sunshine away,"

_Jackie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on September 17, 2007, 10:24:43 PM
Nellie, darling...

I love you, mi hermana, and that is all there is!!!!!!!!!

Because "mi hermana" means my sister, and like my Martina, you are the sister of my heart.  Bless you, honey.   :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: conny on September 18, 2007, 12:24:00 AM
can`t seem to find some words right now, but those starrs nell i look at them too and think the same thing sometimes  ;)  :-*
as for your sisters,i do think you must talk to them,you know life is all about communication!! and maybe they dont really know,they just assume and unless you`ve told them otherwise things never will change. just talk to them about your feelings and who knows what happens!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: desertrat on September 18, 2007, 03:55:22 AM
jackie, thank you for the lovely song... :) :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rei-gyoku on September 18, 2007, 07:00:28 AM
Good evening my dearest people.

For the last two months I have been avoiding to come back in here for the fear of relapsing into my first Brokeback sickness (whatever that was).  Also because the previous thread was too vast for a late comer to catch up with.

I tried to put in writing a text about “me” just to get my mind straight.  I first thought about sharing it with you here but then I gave it a second thought “Who wants to hear all this crap?”.  I am sometimes accused in real life for talking about it and boring others .
But since it’s a forum, you readers have the choice whether to read or not.

I decided to expose a part of me here.  I always had difficulty letting unhappy memories go.  I remember things that are not worth remembering.  I do not want to be haunted from bad times from years back but they keep coming back.  Some people say it’s good to have good memories.  Sure, if you don’t have so many bad things to remember.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rei-gyoku on September 18, 2007, 07:22:29 AM
When it came to feeling love, I always thought of myself quite behind from everybody else.  I was familiar with hate and resentment long before I felt love.  I remember one of my first feelings towards my mean and selfish older sister (by two years)  was ; “How many more years will I have to live with her?”  I thought then “Maybe until I am about 20” and my heart sank.  It seemed like eternity because then I was only 6.

Although I do not remember well, I do have a feeling my mother always made herself clear whatever she did or did not do was according to what she felt like doing and never in response to what her family wanted her to.  I did not intentionally hide my feelings but did not ask for much either.  I knew it would not be given.

When I turned 8, my family moved to New Jersey, US due to my father's work transfer.  Three and a half years that followed I was fairly a happy kid.  Other from my nasty sister, school was fun and I had friends and was learning a lot.  With the kid's ability to adapt and fit in, I picked up the language quickly.  Within a year I was not much different from other kids in the local American public school.  Went trick-or-treating in Halloween, slumber parties on weekends.

Then my father was to transfer again, that time to LA.  We found a nice house in Huntington Beach and made various plans for our move.  When school was out, we packed and sent our furniture and everything else in a moving truck off to Huntington Beach.  With only one suitcase each, we were to return to Japan to spend the summer with our relatives before starting anew in California.

We were almost ready to catch a flight out to LA, when my father was hospitalized and had to go through a major operation.  We ended up stuck in a motel for over a month.  My mother never said anything about my father's condition but I sensed something terrible was happening.  I could hear her weeping almost every night in the next room of the motel.

We never returned to the US.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: jack on September 18, 2007, 07:28:19 AM
r-g...

i think a return trip is long overdue, don't you?
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rei-gyoku on September 18, 2007, 07:39:46 AM
We never returned to the US.The house was arranged to be sold by people of my fathers company, receiving months later only a fraction of what we had in it.

After arriving in Japan went straight to live with my fathers folks in Okayama west of Kobe where my parents were from, a part of Japan I was not familiar with.   I spent the summer under the belief that we would be going back to Huntington Beach.  Summer ended, my father was hospitalized again, I had to start attending the local public school.  I remember the first day I came back from school I wept.  The whole environment was totally foreign.  I was unfamiliar with everything that went on in school.  I was behind with my Japanese.  I did not know what was expected.  Other students stared at me in curiosity.   A very young teacher on his first year of teaching had no clue what to do with me.  Had it been in a large city, things would have been different, but it was a very small rural town.   My sister went to live with my mother's relatives in a larger city to attended a private school with one of our cousins.    I stayed with my paternal grandparents.  My mother went back and forth between there and the hospital.  I did not see her very often nor talked to her how troubled I was.  I knew we had a bigger problem coming.  My family was all scattered, we did not have a house to live in.  Although I had cousins living close by, I was alone.

One night towards the end of the year, my aunt and her husband took my sister and me to the hospital to see our father.  When we all got in the cab, my aunt's husband said to the driver, "Please go to the K-City Cancer Center".  My aunt gasped and panicked, because the actual name of the hospital did not have Cancer in it.  Trying to hush her husband, she said in a low voice, "it's not the cancer center”.  But her husband just repeated loudly, “Is that so?  Was it not the Cancer center?”  My sister and I both stared outside the window of the cab nonchalant.  It was early 70’s, cancer was synonym to painful death.  None of the relatives dared to utter the word.  At the age of 11, I despised my aunt's husband for his imprudence.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rei-gyoku on September 18, 2007, 07:45:43 AM
r-g...

i think a return trip is long overdue, don't you?

jack, I know for certain you mean well.
How I hate myself for taking that as an accusation.
It's not you, it's me with a very unstable mind.

Rei-g




Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rei-gyoku on September 18, 2007, 08:26:04 AM
Even now, when I'm sick with a cold or whenever I am not feeling well, my mind goes back to that cold winter I spent with my grandparents.  It could not have been colder than New Jersey but in my memory it seem to have been . There, I always got up by myself, the calico cat being the only creature awake in the house in the morning.

One late night I heard the phone ring in the distance.  I heard my grandmother's footsteps walking slowly toward our room.  She said something to my mother in the next room who started to weep.  I heard some noise of my mother collecting things to go somewhere.
She left with my grandmother, dead silence followed and I had to go back to sleep.
The next morning I got up, changed, fixed myself breakfast and went to school.  Nobody told me what happened.  It happened again, that time I was taken to the hospital.  My father somehow made it and I slept on the couch outside his room in the hospital corridor.  At dawn I returned, did the same routine and went to school.

My mother did not take me to the hospital when my father died.  Later she told me she thought it would be too cruel for a 11-year old to see him go, a decision which I appreciate to now.

Two months later, we left our grandparent's place.  After 9 months we had a place to live on our own but I had to change school again.  I ended up attending 5 schools in 6 years in 2 countries, never returning to where I had been.
---
So much for now.  Thanks for listening.

Rei-g

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: desertrat on September 18, 2007, 08:46:23 AM
thank you so much for telling us your story, rei-g. you were completely uprooted as a kid, and even your family didn't provide the warmth and love you would have needed. something like this should never happen to a kid. i know this is a loss you will never be able to recover from but i wish you many, warm-hearted people to give you at least a bit of love and warmth.  you certainly deserve it.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: jack on September 18, 2007, 09:48:04 AM
r-g...

i think a return trip is long overdue, don't you?

jack, I know for certain you mean well.
How I hate myself for taking that as an accusation.
It's not you, it's me with a very unstable mind.

Rei-g


r-g...

i am SO sorry if that accidentally stung.  you are right that it is NOT accusatory.  that's the trouble with im's or pm's or emails; there are no additional cues, like facial expression or tone of voice or physical touch to put the statement in context. 

what i meant to convey was both an encouragement and an invitation.  in the short time you have been with us (out loud) you have made many friends, and we would LOVE to see you here.  i feel sure with the brains and talents and hearts we have assembled that if you began the footwork on your end, together we could find a way to make it happen.  while it may be difficult, or even awkward, it is by no means impossible.  (unless of course you are incarcerated) .

you have family here you haven't even met yet, and probably some you haven't even talked to yet.  i wouldn't even be surprised if you had FANS  :o  :D...

perhaps you might start by looking into what would have to happen on your end should you elect to try, like vacation time, saving up, or cashing in some assets.  it might or might not take some time, but it CAN  be made to happen.

after all, with the help of friends, i made it to san francisco, with very limited resources, and under the most unfavorable of circumstances.

just say the word, and the brokeback rangers will get on the job.   :-* :-* 

jack
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: conny on September 18, 2007, 10:06:25 AM
i`m glad you trusted us enough to share your story here rei-g and youre always welcome here,like everybody else is.
you`ve been trough a lot and i`m so sorry you had to go trough all this,mostly alone. children understand zo much,why don`t parents see that? i`m sure you understood later, but it must have hurt a lot not being able to say goodbye to your dad.
(((hugs)))
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rei-gyoku on September 18, 2007, 11:04:52 AM
Martina, Jack, Conny,

Thank you all for your kind words.  I did start this with "My dearest people" and I mean it.
I've been up much too late.  I will come back tomorrow.
Good night.

Rei-g
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: jack on September 18, 2007, 01:43:34 PM
sweet dreams of brokie meetings, r-g
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on September 18, 2007, 08:02:56 PM
Rei-g, my dear sister,

I read your story with such sadness, for you, a child alone, for your mother, unable to cope, for even the sister who hurt you, probably not understanding that she did so.

Life is so cruel sometimes that it can be hard to breathe.  I am so grateful that you found us, who can love and cherish the YOU that exists outside the parameters life has dealt you.  We are here for you, friend, and sister, always.

(((((((((((((((Rei-g)))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on September 19, 2007, 03:22:29 PM
Martina, Jack, Conny,

Thank you all for your kind words.  I did start this with "My dearest people" and I mean it.
I've been up much too late.  I will come back tomorrow.


looking forward to listening to you again....

((()))

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rei-gyoku on September 19, 2007, 06:34:20 PM
looking forward to listening to you again....

((()))

Thank you dahlia.  Will try to post again soon.
I adore your mammillarias, by the way. :)
Rei-g
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on September 19, 2007, 08:15:55 PM
Rei-G, thanks for taking the time to post, and share your past with us.  I hope you continue to do so!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Zudos on September 20, 2007, 04:46:14 PM
And yeah at times I feel the same way in here....always the one to write first...always the one to PM first....waiting for a response...nothing....and when that response comes in days later,if at all...it's okay...I smile and think it was said with a good heart. 

Jackie...I understand when you say you no longer feel needed...yeah...same here kiddo. but we mustn't put ourselves thru all this torment....I told myself I can't any longer, even though it does hurt sometimes...hell,you know people still care...and some will never forget you...or me or the next person. And it's okay to to think of it as nonsense....we're caring fools,so soft hearted that at times you wonder what made you this way...these people in here?...no...we were always this way dear heart....but it's the kind souls and the many wonderful friends we made in here...in this Forum...as many a times this Forum will change...our hearts are still captured in here....it's these people in here from all over the world that has made us who we are today,hermana...and that's something NO ONE can take away from us...how many doubts we may have over the course of the years....hell...go ahead and doubt,that's normal....someone out there is thinking of you even if you never did know....when I look up in that beautiful dark sky and see all those gorgeous stars up there...as clear as ever...I know one of my amigos may be looking at that same star...making a wish as I am....and that makes me smile....and silently I make a wish for them as well,just in case they don't have the time...I say.."Ohhh...this one's for Jackie....for Jari...for Wayne...for Conny...for Brad...Terry...Gerry....Mitchie....Lenny....Fritzie....Robbie...Sal...Nikko.....Lord have Mercy....I'll take up this whole thread naming all the names that mean the world to me.............bwahahahhah

Nellie...XOXOXOX

Hey sweetheart... Only just seen this... You are one of the people that mean the world to me, and touched my heart so so so so much last year, and one of the highlights of the BBQ, and you know it - You know how hard goodby was...

I am always thinking of you, and Sarah and I often talk about you and how wonderful you are...

Love ya LOADS  :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on September 21, 2007, 09:54:03 AM
That is it, isn't it, Nellie?  We ARE part of each other now.  Period.   :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Trigger Hippie on September 21, 2007, 05:31:40 PM
hugs and kisses Neldita

N
xxx
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on September 23, 2007, 02:58:53 PM
looking forward to listening to you again....

((()))

Thank you dahlia.  Will try to post again soon.
I adore your mammillarias, by the way. :)
Rei-g

Wow thanks! (my mammillarias thank you as well....some of them are still in flower  :) )

I, too, am not here as often as I would like......time is always so short and, then, there's the language problem for me, it always takes me a while to find the right words in English when I try to express what I feel deep down inside, to rationalize.

Keep in touch! xx
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Zudos on September 26, 2007, 09:25:25 AM
i'm glad to hear that, jackie. yes, sometimes it hurts when we have to let people go - or if they just move on without us. but i hope you know (even if sometimes it is soooo hard to convince your heart) that there are many people here who love you just for the person you are, no expectations or anything, we just love YOU.  :)  :-* :-* :-*

but your post rang a bell for me - something that is weighting on my heart for quite a while now. i'm not sure i can express it the right way, but i'll try. when i joined this forum, i was, like you, a caretaker, a peacekeeper, a compassionate soul through and through. it was so easy to be compassionate with everybody, to live just for others -  so much that i lost myself in it. but the movie changed me. it showed me that i have to be true to myself, have to be the person i am and go my way in life - because even compassion with others can become a trailer in which life is very, very lonely.
but the more i grew myself, the more i decided to take my life in my own hands, the harder it became to just pet everybody's hand and backs and tell them how much i admire them and how much i feel for them. i came to the point where i felt "wait. and who feels for me ?" please, don't get me wrong, i don't want or need outbursts of love and compassion now, please, i am a big girl.  ;) but i came to turning points. moments where i had to stand up for myself. against the "general opinion", moments, when i felt that this place was no place for me any more. moments, where it was not enough any more for me to be the wonderful, compassionate, loving woman. and those moments drove me away from the forum.
i'm now living in between things - on one side, i am so happy about the wonderful people i met here, the friendships that were so generously offered to me - and my own, personal needs. i can't find an easy solution to that, so i'll live with it. i'm still very grateful for finding this place, and i don't regret a minute of it. but i'm also grateful for the life i won now - finally, i feel strong and happy.

Hey Martina,

Sorry I missed this post before... It was absolutely wonderful to see you again at the weekend in Rome... You are a very special lady...

I think we all feel this from time to time with people and posts... Just because BBM brought us all together, there are many things of our upbringings, cultures, and ethos that we will never agree on...  And we all have to accept this... There are a number of things that I just don't understand...

All of us, have our own tight groups here, and its certainly always worth coming back for them... I do not think I could ever leave the forum permanently even if I do need to take a break from time to time... BUT as we said in Rome, know this, many of us are now FRIENDS and not just internet mates, so irrespective of the future of the forum we will always be in touch...

Wayne
X   
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Zudos on September 26, 2007, 09:26:38 AM
I love you Wayne...love Sarah...and all you who are so dear to me...you know who you are...I am truly blessed. I think of you so often...you're part of me now....

Nellie XO

And you a part of me...! :-* We will see each other again in the flesh at some point... :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on September 26, 2007, 09:35:15 AM
I think we all feel this from time to time with people and posts... Just because BBM brought us all together, there are many things of our upbringings, cultures, and ethos that we will never agree on...  And we all have to accept this... There are a number of things that I just don't understand...



Actually, I was thinking about this the other day.

When the forum started, we were all amazed that we (as we put it) all "got it".  We understood the movie and the message, it struck a chord with us all.

In our excitedness and happiness to discover we weren't alone and crazy, we reached out to each other, and made a common ground between us all, and along the way, created these ideal thoughts about each other, and perhaps about ourselves as well.

Truth is, we are all different people, some will get along better with others.  But because we created this ideal in our heads, when someone doesn't conform, we are shocked by their behavior and opinions.

Perhaps we need to do more.  We found each other here, we formed bonds with each other here.

Now we need to understand that we're different, and accept each other for who we are, warts and all, without judgement.

And we need to keep in mind that not everyone will be friends, but everyone should be civil.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: fritzkep on September 26, 2007, 05:49:12 PM
Another one of these milestone posts, and still really don't have anything to say.

I just simply enjoy being here with you all, writing to you, listening to you, bantering with you, occasionally arguing with you, but mostly loving you all. I'm still astonished as to realize all that has happened since that distant February of last year. Meeting old friends for the first time has become a common phrase here, but is no less true due to its repetition. I have loved meeting each and every one of you whom I have had the privilege to meet in real life, as well as those whom I have not yet met in person, but still hope to.

The only other thing I have to add is the fact that it has impressed the hell out of me to hear of the way a group of former strangers to each other and to our dear friend Rodney have taken him out there in Boulder into their care and hearts, making sure that he got the right treatment for his sudden illness, and providing him with a love that can only speed his healing. All of you out there, you have my deepest respect and appreciation.

Thanks to you all again for being here.

Proceed.

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: desertrat on September 27, 2007, 06:08:14 AM
wayne - you are a very special person to me, and you are right, no matter what will happen with the forum, it will not be able to stop the band of friendship that we forged between us.
thank you, just for being you and for becoming my friend.  :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: atruant on September 27, 2007, 11:28:31 AM
Congrats on the 20000 posts, Fritz!

Chuck and I remember so well when you welcomed us in your home a year ago, with Bitburger beers no less!

For me, you are part of 'How Brokeback Affected Me' - and I suspect for many others as well.

Can't wait to see you again soon.

Hugs,
John and Chuck  :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Boris on September 27, 2007, 12:46:30 PM
Fritz, sweetheart, for a man who had nothing to say, you had quite plenty and meaningful things to say.

We're here as we are.

Today I read part of a poem... it's a love poem but it seems appropriate

"He is the skin, the shelter
The home and the road to travel
Place to wait for eternity"



Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on September 27, 2007, 01:02:19 PM
Another one of these milestone posts, and still really don't have anything to say.


Nothing to say?!?...you're so full of it...lol....a man who knows so much,speaks many languages,always has nice and informative things to say ....Fritzie sweetheart,seeing you twice was a joy for me..your hugs,your smile,even with that darn camera of yours following us around.....lol.....you're a treasure...just know that.... :-*

Congrats on your #20,000 amigo !!

Love ya,

Nellie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: desertrat on September 27, 2007, 01:37:15 PM
Thanks to you all again for being here.


thank YOU for being here, fritz. it has been a pleasure and i'm sure it will continue being one... :)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: trinket on September 28, 2007, 08:47:09 AM
I'VE HEARD IT SAID
THAT PEOPLE COME INTO OUR LIVES FOR A REASON
BRINGING SOMETHING WE MUST LEARN
AND WE ARE LED
TO THOSE WHO HELP US MOST TO GROW
IF WE LET THEM
AND WE HELP THEM IN RETURN
WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF I BELIEVE THAT'S TRUE
BUT I KNOW I'M WHO I AM TODAY
BECAUSE I KNEW YOU...
LIKE A COMET PULLED FROM ORBIT
AS IT PASSES A SUN
LIKE A STREAM THAT MEETS A BOULDER
HALFWAY THROUGH THE WOOD
WHO CAN SAY IF I'VE BEEN CHANGED FOR THE BETTER?
BUT BECAUSE I KNEW YOU
I HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR GOOD  …

(http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f5/DiDys/Jake/Brokeback%20clips/dozeyembracecopy.jpg)
IT WELL MAY BE
THAT WE WILL NEVER MEET AGAIN
IN THIS LIFETIME
SO LET ME SAY BEFORE WE PART
SO MUCH OF ME
IS MADE OF WHAT I LEARNED FROM YOU
YOU'LL BE WITH ME
LIKE A HANDPRINT ON MY HEART
AND NOW WHATEVER WAY OUR STORIES END
I KNOW YOU HAVE RE-WRITTEN MINE
BY BEING MY FRIEND...

LIKE A SHIP BLOWN FROM ITS MOORING
BY A WIND OFF THE SEA
LIKE A SEED DROPPED BY A SKYBIRD
IN A DISTANT WOOD
WHO CAN SAY IF I'VE BEEN CHANGED FOR THE BETTER?
BUT BECAUSE I KNEW YOU...
I HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR GOOD..
.

by Stephen Schwartz
[WICKED]
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on September 28, 2007, 08:48:26 AM
Girl...that's beautiful...thank you for that!!

N...XOX
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on September 28, 2007, 08:53:05 AM
Trinket, that is a great post!  Thank you!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on September 28, 2007, 09:17:25 AM
Di, that is so perfect.  Thank you, Sister of Mine.   :-*

-J


mod:  wow, THAT just hit me sideways and knocked the wind out of me, Trink....all of a sudden, I am blubbering like a baby.  Maybe because I caught the last part of the film, from the Dozy Embrace on, on tv last night....or maybe just because every word of what you put up is true.   :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: trinket on September 28, 2007, 09:44:27 AM
 :-*   :-*   :-* Nell, Chuck, Jackie....... :-*   :-*   :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Amiennis on September 29, 2007, 02:54:14 AM
i'm glad to hear that, jackie. yes, sometimes it hurts when we have to let people go - or if they just move on without us. but i hope you know (even if sometimes it is soooo hard to convince your heart) that there are many people here who love you just for the person you are, no expectations or anything, we just love YOU.  :)  :-* :-* :-*

but your post rang a bell for me - something that is weighting on my heart for quite a while now. i'm not sure i can express it the right way, but i'll try. when i joined this forum, i was, like you, a caretaker, a peacekeeper, a compassionate soul through and through. it was so easy to be compassionate with everybody, to live just for others -  so much that i lost myself in it. but the movie changed me. it showed me that i have to be true to myself, have to be the person i am and go my way in life - because even compassion with others can become a trailer in which life is very, very lonely.
but the more i grew myself, the more i decided to take my life in my own hands, the harder it became to just pet everybody's hand and backs and tell them how much i admire them and how much i feel for them. i came to the point where i felt "wait. and who feels for me ?" please, don't get me wrong, i don't want or need outbursts of love and compassion now, please, i am a big girl.  ;) but i came to turning points. moments where i had to stand up for myself. against the "general opinion", moments, when i felt that this place was no place for me any more. moments, where it was not enough any more for me to be the wonderful, compassionate, loving woman. and those moments drove me away from the forum.
i'm now living in between things - on one side, i am so happy about the wonderful people i met here, the friendships that were so generously offered to me - and my own, personal needs. i can't find an easy solution to that, so i'll live with it. i'm still very grateful for finding this place, and i don't regret a minute of it. but i'm also grateful for the life i won now - finally, i feel strong and happy.

Hey Martina,

Sorry I missed this post before... It was absolutely wonderful to see you again at the weekend in Rome... You are a very special lady...

I think we all feel this from time to time with people and posts... Just because BBM brought us all together, there are many things of our upbringings, cultures, and ethos that we will never agree on...  And we all have to accept this... There are a number of things that I just don't understand...

All of us, have our own tight groups here, and its certainly always worth coming back for them... I do not think I could ever leave the forum permanently even if I do need to take a break from time to time... BUT as we said in Rome, know this, many of us are now FRIENDS and not just internet mates, so irrespective of the future of the forum we will always be in touch...

Wayne
X   

What he said. Forum or no forum, we are friends, forum-independent, if you will.
You know what you mean to me, my dear, dear, dear Martina, and I do hope and pray that I can be as much of a friend, support, rock to you as you are to me.
Du bisst eine wunderschöne Mensch. Und ich liebe Dich.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: desertrat on September 29, 2007, 03:33:21 AM
marc: (http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h55/desertrat77/smilies/thkisses6vi.gif)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Trigger Hippie on September 29, 2007, 05:42:43 AM
Another one of these milestone posts, and still really don't have anything to say.


Nothing to say?!?...you're so full of it...lol....a man who knows so much,speaks many languages,always has nice and informative things to say ....Fritzie sweetheart,seeing you twice was a joy for me..your hugs,your smile,even with that darn camera of yours following us around.....lol.....you're a treasure...just know that.... :-*

Congrats on your #20,000 amigo !!

Love ya,

Nellie

What chica loca said!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Trigger Hippie on September 29, 2007, 05:44:15 AM
Martina

 :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: desertrat on September 29, 2007, 05:49:01 AM
gosh. is there a "death by kisses" ?  ;D

thanks, nick ! i intend to collect each and every one in real....maybe really soon... ;)

here's a specially big one for you: (http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h55/desertrat77/smilies/thkisses6vi.gif), love ya.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Trigger Hippie on September 29, 2007, 06:01:24 AM
Ja! Bestimmt!

love ya too
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on September 29, 2007, 09:09:39 AM
gosh. is there a "death by kisses" ?  ;D

thanks, nick ! i intend to collect each and every one in real....maybe really soon... ;)

here's a specially big one for you: (http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h55/desertrat77/smilies/thkisses6vi.gif), love ya.

I hope I get some too!!!

 :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: jack on September 29, 2007, 09:27:15 AM
good god !!

its a friggin love fest  ::) ::)


 ;)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: DaveinPhilly on September 29, 2007, 09:32:38 AM
Looks like an orgy to me ;)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on September 29, 2007, 10:44:22 AM
Well, hell, guys...

Feel free to join in!!!

 ;D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: DaveinPhilly on September 29, 2007, 11:08:34 AM
 :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* >:D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on September 29, 2007, 08:27:46 PM
LOL!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on September 29, 2007, 08:38:16 PM
So.....we all love each other.  And send kisses.  Very true.  And we fight...see the Masculine and Gay thread....

We are, I believe, STUCK with each other because we choose to be, whether we fight, disagree, agree, love or dislike, share or not....we are HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I am so grateful, I could, no I DO, cry with joy....because we are here!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have Brokeback....you remember that film, right?...on my DVD player...I watch pieces of it at random, the whole thing as needed, like a prescription:  Take visually once daily, as needed.

LOL or Lots of Tears...? ? ?

We are here because of this film, this story, which changed us, which moved us, which healed us, which destroyed who we were....exists...

We are whole, or we are in pieces....because of this experience.

I, for one, would not change one minute of it. 

-Jackie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on September 29, 2007, 09:11:59 PM
Big Sis Jackie...

I sleep with the soundtrack playing in my cd player.

Listen to the short story on audio in the cd player of my car, it's length perfectly long for my commute to and from work. Starts, gets to the halfway point when I arrive, listen to the second half and ending on the way home.

I'm in the midst of reading "Beyond Brokeback" for the first time, finally. Occasionally moves me to tears, reminds me feelings I had, then.

At times I find myself wanting the pain I felt the first times I watched our movie... to remind me where I was then, I guess, things have moved along so much since.

It all still affects me, still, to this day, still wanting to recall those days back "up on Brokeback Mountain."

Hugs with love,

Your Little Brother,
Rob
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Tigs on September 30, 2007, 02:16:49 AM
Hugs Hubby

Wifeybird    :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on September 30, 2007, 08:58:17 AM
Hugs accepted and returned, warmly, Wifey Bird...

Hubby #2
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on September 30, 2007, 10:13:13 AM
Has anyone used this song for Brokeback's video?!?...from Rascal Flats....What Hurt's The Most

http://www.lyrics.com/lyric.php?id=35024
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on September 30, 2007, 10:47:43 AM
Still moves me to tears...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xuugq7fito
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on September 30, 2007, 10:51:57 AM
 :'( :'( :'( :'(...please don't get me going....
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Tigs on September 30, 2007, 11:01:53 AM
http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=7754000

My favourite - sorry Nellie

Sal     ;D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on September 30, 2007, 11:05:53 AM
http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=7754000

My favourite - sorry Nellie

Sal     ;D

I'm soooo kicking your ass!!...I love Creed,btw.

This movie will ALWAYS Affect me...it's many different songs we use will never be the same....
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: jack on September 30, 2007, 01:46:03 PM
rascal flatts... what might have been

(i have seen a better version, but this was close by)

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=232820
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: BayCityJohn on September 30, 2007, 01:56:42 PM
Has anyone used this song for Brokeback's video?!?...from Rascal Flats....What Hurt's The Most

http://www.lyrics.com/lyric.php?id=35024

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j53EuknQfjQ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j53EuknQfjQ).

I found 7 videos on Youtube

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=BRokeback+what+hurts+the+most&search=Search (http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=BRokeback+what+hurts+the+most&search=Search)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: jack on September 30, 2007, 02:31:35 PM
well... there's another couple hours shot to hell...

everybody hurts is equally well represented, btw.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on October 01, 2007, 01:04:33 AM

We are here because of this film, this story, which changed us, which moved us, which healed us, which destroyed who we were....exists...

We are whole, or we are in pieces....because of this experience.


Oh yes.
In pieces, today
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on October 01, 2007, 01:08:25 AM
Still moves me to tears...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xuugq7fito

There are truths we can't deny.....and there are places we can't return  :'(
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on October 01, 2007, 08:01:51 AM
Has anyone used this song for Brokeback's video?!?...from Rascal Flats....What Hurt's The Most

http://www.lyrics.com/lyric.php?id=35024

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j53EuknQfjQ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j53EuknQfjQ).

I found 7 videos on Youtube

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=BRokeback+what+hurts+the+most&search=Search (http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=BRokeback+what+hurts+the+most&search=Search)

OMG!!!  :'( :'( :'( :'(

thank you hon....I just ran out of tears.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on October 01, 2007, 08:24:51 AM
With Brokeback, We'll never run out of tears!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Boris on October 01, 2007, 10:48:07 AM
And Now for something completely different.... for many reasons I have been forced to re-evaluate my relationship with the story, movie and the characters. The whole experience. I've been thinking that what if I saw it all wrong, like it was suggested. The the story and the people aren't crosscultural and that they're true in American cultural context only and thus I can't see the story as it is. That in reality the story was not about me and never will be about me because of my nationality, culture, history and language. I saw the movie again on Saturday night and kept thinking: what if I was wrong? What if this was never about me and my life and it had no message to me? That it was for Americans only and that what I saw was something that never was there.

I watched it and it still was, the emotions are the same, if more subdued. like Rob, I don't feel the intensity of the pain like I did when I first saw the movie, such a long time ago. I felt sadness, a different kind of sadness than before. The story and the movie and the music has become part of my soul in a way that my personal sadness is almost inseparable from the sadness I see in the movie. And in a weird way it means that I don't need the movie anymore to get in touch with what I feel and why I feel what I feel. I don't need the movie to feel, because I do feel.

It's no secret that I have been sick. Being ill makes on see things different... the transitions one goes through. The frustrations, the fear, the unfairness of it all, the loss of meaning and purpose that doesn't last long but when you feel it, it's horrifying. Afterwards you know, even though you have never promised anything to any God, didn't make the bargain, you just know that one survived for a reason. Not a big reason, I have no great fate to fulfill, not anything large to accomplish, but to live a good life, a real life, a true life. And I do believe that Brokeback has helped me through this ordeal: I was already aware of the chance, the possibility the urgency or change before I got sick. And it gave me strength to go through all that.

Christine Bryden has written a book called "Who will I be when I die". it's about her being diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease and being forced to face that question: who am I when I have forgot myself and all the people that I love? Thank God I don't have to think about it on those terms, but I do remember thinking when I was wheeled to surgery that I am not yet the man I am going to be when I die. My job now is to become that man.

Change and life is about choice. There are things we can choose and those choices define us more than the things we didn't have any influence. The choices we make and the responsibility we take about them define us: they make us who we are. It's about ownership of one's life. I can't help but thinking of being given a new lease on life. And it gives a responsibility. I have nothing else at my disposal than this one life and when the day truly comes for it to end, I want be able to think that I used it wisely.

Good things need to be invited into your life, crap comes uninvited. It's not only about what you choose to include in your life, it's also about what to exclude. And for me that exclusion is more important, to be able to focus on what counts, what matters, what is true. Like the people and friendships here. This here is human stuff and thus doomed to be not perfect. Some friendships stay forever, some wither and die, that is the nature of human things. But all have touched, all have had meaning, every word, every touch had its time , place and meaning and that'll never get lost.

”Who will I be when I die" is defined by who I was when I lived. Jack and Ennis who couldn't choose different, didn't know how to choose different,  the way that would have made the ending different. I can, we can.

I'll no longer chase the will-o-wisp.
Happiness lies here in my own hand.
Day by day, life's circle narrows, closes.
Time stands still now ... weather vane all asleep.
Here before me lies a shadowy way
leading to a house I do not know.


And then you just start walking, knowing that there are people who are walking with you.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: desertrat on October 01, 2007, 11:00:16 AM
And then you just start walking, knowing that there are people who are walking with you.


this is true for me as well. and i feel happy, honored and lucky to have people like you walking with me. thank you.

a good question: now, that we're almost going into the third year after the experience - does the story still affect us ? did it ever ? is it our story ?

re-evaluating my thoughts and feelings i can only say: yes, yes and yes. this story is mine. just as it is everybody else's who felt affected by it. it doesn't matter where it is set or under which conditions. I felt affected by it, and that's all that matters. nobody can take that away from me.

the question is: what do i do with this knowledge ? where does it lead me ?

jari, i think you did the right thing with it and the path you chose is a good one. i'm happy with the path i chose. mission accomplished.  :)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Trigger Hippie on October 01, 2007, 11:01:49 AM
Brokeback's message in any language or culture, is don't waste time.

Seems fairly universal to me.

Jari, there are times when the things you say about life and the living of it, touch me more than the film ever did. Brokeback was my wake-up call, friends like you are the legacy.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on October 01, 2007, 11:02:17 AM
Boris (Jari, I see  :) ) surely the contest was highly American, was rooted in there, and yet....

And yet there are works of art, like this one, who take on - I won't say a universal meaning but - a much wider meaning.

I'm not male, I'm not American, I'm not gay, I never had to hide my love, I never suffered so much for an unrequited love and yet.........part of this, in a mysterious way, IS my story. Of love, of longing, of becoming true to oneself.

Yours is a beautiful post.
I didnt know you've been ill. I'm so glad you have recovered.

Keep walking with me, friend.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Tigs on October 01, 2007, 11:03:21 AM
^^^^^^What a post Jari!

It has made me start thinking............. But I'm walking right beside you!!

Sal     :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on October 01, 2007, 11:33:35 AM
Jari...I can't find the words yet to express what I feel about your post.

but I'm walking right beside you,amigo.....right beside you

Nellie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: atruant on October 01, 2007, 11:39:34 AM
Lovely, Jari, comme d'habitude... :-*

The biggest effect for me of BBM was the universality and power of love, which had little to do with subject matter being homophobia or the scene being in America.

This forum and all our friendships have taught me to focus where it counts and move on with life. Let's continue to walk together...

John
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: DaveinPhilly on October 01, 2007, 11:52:52 AM
Jari speaks wonderfully as always. Yes it does touch us individually. The story has universal characteristics - thank God. That what makes it so profound. That doesn't take away it's "American experience" qualities but shows how all of humanity is linked together.

Some see BBM as a universal tale.

Others see it as an American tale.

It is both of these and more, much more.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on October 01, 2007, 11:55:27 AM
put one foot in front of the other
and soon you'll be walkin' across the floor
put one foot in front of the other
and soon you'll be walkin' out the door.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dejavu on October 01, 2007, 01:28:15 PM
And then you just start walking, knowing that there are people who are walking with you.


Beautiful post, Jari.

There are always tears when we watch the movie again, but what counts is that when we watch it together or talk about it together, we have each other as friends. 

And as Nick said, Don't waste time.  We only have this one life, so live it to the fullest.  Show the people in your own lives how much you love them, too.

Your post expresses this so well.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Zudos on October 01, 2007, 02:14:06 PM
Jari what a wonderful post...

People look at arts meaning/story/symbolism and imagary in different ways...

To me looking at a film such as BBM, just as a tale of two cowboys in love with each other set in the american west, means that you miss so much..

BBM is a film breaking tortured and forbidden love to its rawest form, and leaving it exposed to the elements... There are so many places the meaning could have been set, in the entire world...

The photography, and setting as described in the novella and portrayed in the film are wonderful and symbolic, and add to the overall ambience, but to me the meaning is so much deeper, and its the thought provoking actions that it has instilled in me, that still move me....

I am so glad to have met you and so many others here... I hope that you will always be my friend...

W
X
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Amiennis on October 01, 2007, 03:24:12 PM
People look at arts meaning/story/symbolism and imagary in different ways...

To me looking at a film such as BBM, just as a tale of two cowboys in love with each other set in the american west, means that you miss so much..

BBM is a film breaking tortured and forbidden love to its rawest form, and leaving it exposed to the elements... There are so many places the meaning could have been set, in the entire world...

The photography, and setting as described in the novella and portrayed in the film are wonderful and symbolic, and add to the overall ambience, but to me the meaning is so much deeper, and its the thought provoking actions that it has instilled in me, that still move me....

Beautifully put... couldn't have phrased it any better.

Thanks, guys...
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: fritzkep on October 01, 2007, 04:43:24 PM
Kiitoksia paljon, Jari ystäväni. So proud to call you friend I could just bust wide open.

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on October 01, 2007, 06:01:23 PM

<snip>
Change and life is about choice. There are things we can choose and those choices define us more than the things we didn't have any influence. The choices we make and the responsibility we take about them define us: they make us who we are. It's about ownership of one's life. I can't help but thinking of being given a new lease on life. And it gives a responsibility. I have nothing else at my disposal than this one life and when the day truly comes for it to end, I want be able to think that I used it wisely.

Good things need to be invited into your life, crap comes uninvited. It's not only about what you choose to include in your life, it's also about what to exclude. And for me that exclusion is more important, to be able to focus on what counts, what matters, what is true. Like the people and friendships here. This here is human stuff and thus doomed to be not perfect. Some friendships stay forever, some wither and die, that is the nature of human things. But all have touched, all have had meaning, every word, every touch had its time , place and meaning and that'll never get lost.


And then you just start walking, knowing that there are people who are walking with you.
My dear friend, I am crying as I read this, because I am a sloppy sentimentalist...and because you speak truth. And I will walk beside you, as long as you allow.

Brokeback's message in any language or culture, is don't waste time.

Seems fairly universal to me.

Jari, there are times when the things you say about life and the living of it, touch me more than the film ever did. Brokeback was my wake-up call, friends like you are the legacy.

What Nick said!  ^^^

I still carry your words with me, every day, since Feb of 2006, and they are still true...

As are the people here who LIVE each day, because of what we learned from Brokeback and, more importantly, from each other. We are true to ourselves, and each other.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on October 01, 2007, 08:05:33 PM
By the way, Jari....

How the hell do you DO that?  Present thoughts and emotions that so many of us feel, but are not quite able to express.

I guess it does not matter, how, or why, only that you do represent the best for so many of us, and that you are maybe the best part of us all....not the ONLY good part, mind you...don't want you getting a swelled head or anything... :D

I love you, friend.  I believe that I always will.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: BayCityJohn on October 01, 2007, 08:29:56 PM
I forwarded Jari's post to a few friends. I got a reply from one of them and I'd like to share it here. I don't know why she doesn't want to log in and post herself. I won't mention her name, and I'm sure she doesn't mind that I do this.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

John, Jari's words have struck a chord in my heart. Once again Brokeback has made more than just an impact in a person's life. Brokeback helped Jari when he thought there might be no hope.  The fact that the movie made people really look at themselves and their lives, however, has changed his life, and your life and so many others. In a way it has changed my life also. I understand more of what you and others have had to go through in life. It has made me understand so much better how other people's prejudices hurt those we love and care about.  I hope that I have lived my life being true to myself and that I have treated others in such a way that I will have had a positive impact on peoples lives. We do only have this one life to live. I came to that realization a few years ago when my husband was on life support for almost 21 days after his quintuple bypass, and when that doctor tore my artery during my heart cath. I don't take anything for granted any more. God gave me a choice to live my life whatever way I choose and I choose to live it to the fullest as much as possible. I will always let people know that I love them because you never know when you'll loose them.So understand, my dear John, that when I say I love you and will always accept you for who you are and not how others want you to be, I mean it with my whole heart. You are a beautiful person inside and out and I am blessed to have you in my life.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: BayCityJohn on October 01, 2007, 08:32:32 PM
Kiitoksia paljon, Jari ystäväni. So proud to call you friend I could just bust wide open.



Whut Fritz said ↑↑↑↑↑
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on October 01, 2007, 08:36:31 PM
Kiitoksia paljon, Jari ystäväni. So proud to call you friend I could just bust wide open.



Whut Fritz said ↑↑↑↑↑
To quote Patrick Swayze in "Ghost":  Ditto!   :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: JohnnyX on October 01, 2007, 09:57:26 PM
And Now for something completely different.... for many reasons I have been forced to re-evaluate my relationship with the story, movie and the characters. ...

And then you just start walking, knowing that there are people who are walking with you.


Hello our dear Boris/Jari.

Jari: I am sorry to read here that you have been ill; but am pleased that you are in recovery mode. I hope that a full recovery is possible for you, and that it is achieved very quickly.

As with all of your posts on this thread, Jari, you have provided us with such deep and clear insights, for which I thank you once again.

However, do not forget, that when you do eventually die, your wise words will live on in this forum, as a constant tribute to what you truly are. So do not feel that you will be lost to the future. I expect that many of your thoughts and concepts will be repeated over the generations, by some who encounter them in here.

Just over 25 years ago I went into hospital for what was supposedly a common operative procedure, and when I resumed consciousness my wife told me that she had been told that I only had a 50% chance of pulling through.  That rocked me; and gave me a new approach to life. Although the lesson has dimmed over the years, the message to me was that it was time to start living my life for MYSELF for a change; instead of forever living it according to my perceived wishes of what others desired etc. My thinking was that if I had died then, no-one would have known anything about the REAL ME; as I was merely being what everyone else wanted.

Well, Jari, unfortunately for everyone who knew me then, I CHANGED; and what I changed into was not exactly what they liked. I became extremely arrogant, self-opinionated, and individualistic. I do not regret any of that, as I am now my own person. With your professional background, this is probably no great revelation, as I expect that it might happen to many who have been in a similar situation.

But getting back to BBM: I am too scared to view the DVD again YET, Jari. It brought me undone to such an extent that I am still coming out from its after-effects, and I dare not allow myself to slip back into that dream-world which I have been in for the past 18 months or so; or I feel sure that nothing will be done in my daily life which needs to be done. Therefore a re-viewing in order to re-evaluate the film, is not on my agenda yet.

However, Jari, I do still feel that the message of BBM is a universal one, and as I wrote here recently, for me the message is to fight against injustices in our societies. It was the injustices of their world which caused a blight on Jack and Ennis's relationship. A world of homophobia; which we are hardly distant from today. (ha ha, and I am a homophobe, still learning to counter those well-learned lessons from our society!)

Yes Jari, there are many of us, all walking together, even if we do not know each other, or even know of each other. That is a wonderful tribute to the story and the film; which has been the cause of so many friendships forged through this forum and other similar ones. And my own very special man who is also walking with us, held my hand on this walk, for only just a brief few wonderfully heady weeks, until he let go of the hand just over a year ago.  I expect that you still have MANY hands holding yours. May they comfort you in those times when you need them. I extend a similar wish to all on here.

Best wishes: JohnnyX.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: conny on October 02, 2007, 01:01:52 AM


Change and life is about choice. There are things we can choose and those choices define us more than the things we didn't have any influence. The choices we make and the responsibility we take about them define us: they make us who we are. It's about ownership of one's life. I can't help but thinking of being given a new lease on life. And it gives a responsibility. I have nothing else at my disposal than this one life and when the day truly comes for it to end, I want be able to think that I used it wisely.

Good things need to be invited into your life, crap comes uninvited. It's not only about what you choose to include in your life, it's also about what to exclude. And for me that exclusion is more important, to be able to focus on what counts, what matters, what is true. Like the people and friendships here. This here is human stuff and thus doomed to be not perfect. Some friendships stay forever, some wither and die, that is the nature of human things. But all have touched, all have had meaning, every word, every touch had its time , place and meaning and that'll never get lost.



And then you just start walking, knowing that there are people who are walking with you.


i was struggling with a lot of things these last weeks and didn`t know to make which choise,but now i do.
thanks jari  :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Trigger Hippie on October 02, 2007, 01:26:12 AM
It would seem that "end of summer" melancholy is striking many of us this year. Me particularly, as I see nothing but a bleak winter ahead of me, but I see it in many others here, also .

It is a kind of searching, and a hoping. Many here clearly feel isolated and alone again.  But we are not, all that has changed is that many of us have stopped sharing, stopped saying "I feel alone, is this all that there is?".

We shouldn't be afraid to put ourselves out there, to lay ourselves open again. Don't waste time, life is for living. - find a way to do it.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: conny on October 02, 2007, 05:38:58 AM
I don`t think i have an end of summer melancholy, but i am in a bad mood now for 4 days  ;) but for me i think its my hormones playing up  ;). I do have times that i feel very alone and i ache for someone then,but that time goes by and most of the time i`m very pleased with my single life.  i still am a member of that lesbian site and just as i wanted to remove my profile someone send me a message.two days later another woman send me a message. So i sat there thinking wow two what the hell am i gonna do with that  ;) but then while reading their profile and sending messages with them back and forward i found out one was once a man and only since 6 months a woman and the other one is Bi and can`t choose! Now i do believe every human being deserves love and at first i wanted to give them a chance, but soon i didn`t feel right for me. I have had lots of bads relationships in the past,have had men and when i finally admited i was a lesbian i thought,darn wish i would have felt like this sooner. it could have prevented me for lots of missary! So now that i`ve choosen for a woman i want a woman to be with,one day, or maybe never.
Thats also a possibilty i think of more and more, i have a good life with my cats and dogs and friends,so i just am gonna love that life and not "search"  for miss right anymore  ;)
so i didn`t know what to do with my profile and what i was gonna say to those two women, couldn`t sleep last night and already made up my mind i was gonna remove my profile and send the two women i message i really wish them all the best but it aint gonna be woth me. And the read Jari`s post this morning for me was the answer thats the right decission!
I need my energy for me and my friends and have, for now,not any more energy left for anything else!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on October 02, 2007, 06:09:36 AM
It would seem that "end of summer" melancholy is striking many of us this year. Me particularly, as I see nothing but a bleak winter ahead of me, but I see it in many others here, also .


There may be some truth to this.  Cooler temps, darkness comes earlier, lasts longer.....

A lot of us have done a lot of soul searching, and "life reviews", and when one does that, you must review the bad with the good, for it to be productive.  Yes, it can pull you down, but it's up to you to pull yourself back up again.

How funny that as I'm typing this, a coworker just commented on how bright the sun is this morning!

We all support each other here, we can find our sunshine here.  Reminds me of some lyrics...


I turn to you, like a flower leaning towards the sun
I turn to you, 'cause you're the only one
who can turn me around, when I'm upside down
I turn to you
I turn to you, when fear tells me to turn and run
I turn to you, 'cause you're the only one
who can turn me around, when I'm upside down
I turn to you
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: JohnnyX on October 02, 2007, 08:43:13 AM
... so i just am gonna love that life and not "search"  for miss right anymore  ;)


Oh Conny: what a wonderful phrase to read here from you!
Congratulations on reaching this point in your "cure".

I feel that this decision is indeed the turnaround point for you.
All the best.
JohnnyX.

(Now if I could just learn that same lesson for myself ......    LOL ).
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on October 02, 2007, 09:10:18 AM
Conny, babe,

It's been said a million times "once I stopped looking, he/she found me!"

Hang tight, you deserve the best, and that's not always easy to find!

(((((((CONNY!)))))))

 :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: conny on October 02, 2007, 10:32:20 AM
thanks guys  :-*
well in the 10 years i am alone i never really have been looking,cause i was alone then cause i really wanted too and not open for anyone. last year i was and therefore became a member of that site,cause i didn`t walk upon her on the beach  ;)  but found out thats just not me,period  :)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Brokeback_1 on October 03, 2007, 04:24:55 AM
It's been so long since I was here that the mail-link--from July--brought me to the old thread.

Yesterday John and I were talking about brokies. Not specific brokies by any means, just'general ...'brokies'. We both started saying there were some brokies who had sort of entered into their own BBM 'AU'.

There are.

What can one gently say to a friend who has [ and I hate putting it this way] retreated into a sort of Alternate Brokeback Universe? And by this I don't mean at all what is generally written here,THAT is almost completely positive. I mean someone who is so into Brokeback they are getting out of touch with life. Someone who has gone beyond the obsessive yet generally healthy involvement which most of us are 'into', to one degree or the other.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on October 04, 2007, 05:07:21 PM
Okay…so here I am again….stop rolling your eyes Johnny boy…lol

I’ve come to conclusions …I gotta tell ya that to me this is hard to admit…seeing how it really is….Remember how it was when we were so obsessed?. How we agreed with eagerness..how we had so much in common that we wanted to burst? That excitement that finally someone GOT us ?...”The honeymoon is over”…said a friend…I laughed at first but then I couldn’t help myself from feeling sad…

I knew from the beginning that all this jazz wasn’t going to last forever…I knew that somehow our differences were really going to separate us in the long run. Yes,we still will keep some friends…those we thought were good friends are no longer, some we are still discovering and knowing better. It’s all human nature.

Our obsession was intense…we fought with our spouses,or our lovers over this…my God,I was almost divorced! What a crazy trip that was…but I learned. I learned how to cope with the death of my first born child…the death of my best friend in high school…all my experiences in my life growing up in the inner city of Chicago…The “hood”..my life’s experiences with death and violence…how I survived….you were all there for me ..you all listened….you shared a part of yourself I thought I would never see. We fought, you made me cry…you even hurt my feelings..but in the end,you put your arm around me and said..”Nellie,this is what it is…DEAL with it.” I can’t tell you how I would have been if 2 years ago didn’t happen…if this movie didn’t grab us in the end and rubbed our noses in it. I can’t thank you hard enough for the memories I had in Texas,in Chicago, or Bay City . I just wanted to bring that up one more time.

I’ve come to realize now that this is what it is. We’ve come familiar with each other now,we see each other’s bad habits…our obsession is now gone. We are different people now…changed forever by this wonderful movie, Brokeback Mountain. Two fictional souls who brought thousands of people together in this thread and elsewhere. Who would of thought?  Dave Cullen can now use this thread any way he chooses…write a book,become famous….who knows..good luck to you . Hope you get a chance to be in Oprah…lol

I don’t want people sugar coating things…”Oh honey,we still have each other,not just as often as we’d like”….uh huh…only time will tell. I’m not going to cross that bridge until I get there.  Love is a force of nature?...can’t force friendship…can’t pretend that some of us really are not compatible…we can still be civil with one another…we can still laugh…hold on to it’s memory for as long as you’d like.

I really,really hope that this thread, this Forum, helped many of you out there. Not just the silly threads..the TV one’s…Jake’s eyelashes for Pete’s sake…but the serious one’s. I don’t see many newbies out there any more…I still see lots of “guests” though…and let’s be honest folks….many of us Forum members log on as “guests” only because some days we just don’t want to be discovered…I’m guilty of that as well. Call it anti social…I don’t care. We’re just here for what it is….

I ‘m finally in terms with the real reality of it all…and I’m okay with it now…I’m really okay and it still feels good.


Nellie





Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on October 04, 2007, 05:36:54 PM
Nellie,

I think that if you talk to any member here, they will tell you they are different people who first joined the forum almost two years ago.

We were all shell shocked, kicked between the eyes, punched in the stomach.  We all reached out to each other, and found comfort.  We understood each other, we KNEW we had been changed.

If this were still going on, I'm not sure that would be a good thing.

It would mean that we had not moved or grown as people in almost 2 years.  It would me we had become stagnant, in ruts, become comfortable.

Instead think of what has happened here.....

People started relationships, ended relationships, lost weight, quit smoking, changed jobs, got engaged and married, moved to new homes, traveled around the world.

People may not be new to the forum, but they are new to the get togethers.  In recent months, I've met DejaVu, SmellyKellyJay, ShakesTheGround, LoneLeeB3, DontWantToSayGB, and others for the first time.

I'll be meeting new people this weekend, and looking forwarda to other gatherings.

People are still coming out of their shells, and we are still learning from each other.


But we must remember that although we consider ourselves a family, we are all first and foremost individuals.  Each with their own morals, beliefs, and lives.   We should also remember that we need not agree with each other all the time, but we should respect each other and the varied opinions that are expressed here.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: JohnnyX on October 04, 2007, 08:12:25 PM
Okay…so here I am again….stop rolling your eyes Johnny boy…lol

I’ve come to conclusions …

Ha ha!! Hello our dear Nellie/McNell.
NO, I was not rolling my eyes at all. I told you that I love everything that you write on here; BUT your comment did make me smile broadly -- and that smile is still spread right across my face as I sit here writing this response to you.

Nel, your "conclusions" indicate that you have been doing a lot more deep thinking -- big picture stuff (no not about BBM rofl); and I expect that what you have written here will be very helpful to many readers of the Affected thread. Because you have placed so much into a wider context.

It is so great Nel, to read the CONTENTMENT in this note from you. I do hope that it continues for you, and that some other trouble doesn't bump you back into that cauldron of crazy mixed-up feelings which we all seem to be thrown into at times.

I saw a mid-day movie advertised last week, and said to my wife that I just had to see it again; and we both sat down and watched it. It was "West Side Story". As I watched it, with all of the Puerto Rican issues etc. in it; I kept thinking of the only Rican chick that I have met: our Nellie.
What massive hurts of non-acceptance seem to underly a lot of the anger in that story Nel! Once again I keep screaming internally: "why can't the whole world just be empathetic with others?"
And yet, as I expect you personify in your life, the next generation does settle down and feel accepted, and therefore feel as if they are part of the mainstream.  I expect that your own kids will not have such issues to deal with. Please correct me if I am wrong in this conclusion.

I am still in daily contact with that wonderful man Elskov, and he wrote to me yesterday of his expectation that everyone -- not just here on the board -- would have respect for each other in all of their dealings.  It is lovely to look back over the past year or so on this forum, to realise that GENERALLY a lot of respect is indeed given to each other in here; so much so, that on those odd occasions when it is not given, it really stands out. I still remember with warmth and gratitude how you spoke out on my behalf when I was the recipient of some non-respectful comments.

Nellie, I will continue to LOOK FORWARD to your postings on here; and hope never to roll my eyes at you -- except in fun.  But I warn you that what you have to beware of are my growls. M-Dash believes that I will soon wear out the grrrr.. keys on my computer with all of the frustrated growls which I send him from time to time. ROFLMAO.

For myself, I feel a lovely and warm BBM contentment. Just so content and happy with the most wonderful friends who I have gained from this forum. Our daily communications fill me with joy and acceptance and appreciation. What wonderful gifts from outstanding people!  My wish is that this will be the situation also for the rest of you out there reading Affected. And still issuing an invitation to any lurkers who are hurting, to share your hurts in here with us, where we should be able to help a little.

Best wishes to all. JohnnyX. (Nellie's "Johnny boy")

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on October 04, 2007, 10:12:55 PM
Nellie, mi hermana, my chica, my sister, my friend, my soulmate....

You speak such truth, darling.  We HAVE changed in the nearly (or in my case MORE than) 2 years since we first knew about this film and found each other.

As Chuck said we NEEDED to grow, to change, to move on...

We all know that we are human, we make mistakes, we hurt ourselves and each other, but....

This is the "but" honey...we are better human beings for being here, for knowing each other, for accepting each other...and I KNOW that your post is about those who seem not to accept..sometimes, about some things...but we are still here..many of us, fighting, loving, dealing...sounds familiar, doesn't it?  It is called "FAMILY."  ALL families fight, make up, agree, disagree, love, hate, deal with each other....and at the end of the day, acknowledge that we are stuck with each other by the love we share.

There is and never will be any easy answer...I think we are sort of used to that here.   So....

We live our lives as best we can, we go on, day to day, trying to be BETTER, trying to elevate ourselves above what was...and mostly, we succeed...sometimes, we fail, and here we are to pick each other up...

I love you, Nellie.  Always.  Period.

-Jackie

ps:  Johnny, I am so glad you are in contact with Elskov...he is such a treasure,and does not know it.   :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: JohnnyX on October 04, 2007, 11:20:03 PM
...
ps:  Johnny, I am so glad you are in contact with Elskov...he is such a treasure,and does not know it.   :-*

Hello our other dear: Painted Shoes / Jackie.

Yes Jackie, he OUGHT to know that he is a treasure: I try to get that into his bloody head often enough! LOL.

I guess that for so many of us, when our life experience has been that we have craved certain other people, only to find in return that we are nothing or less than nothing to them; so we tend to devalue every aspect of ourselves; instead of realising that it is only in this arena that we seem to be having problems. It takes a lot of genuinely being loved in later years to overcome this.  He knows that he is indeed genuinely LOVED by several people; so I am hopeful that in time his self-confidence might return. Meanwhile I enjoy my interactions with this man who has just so many talents, and so much knowledge and intelligence, and who is just so full of love. Thanks again BBM and DC Forum for bringing him into my world!

Earlier this year it was an absolute thrill to be able to spend a full day alone with him. I wouldn't let go of him all day. Tell you what! Jack and Ennis's dozy embrace was thoroughly wimpish compared with the bear hugs which I put on him all day!  Poor man: I must have put at risk every bone in his body, through hugging him so much and so tightly. I told him later that I was probably giving him every hug that I had ever wanted to give to other men throughout my straight former  life. He is lucky that he lived through it! rofl.

More generally though: I used to think that I was a shy person, but after getting to know in here a couple of these totally self-effacing, and oh so wonderful people, I seem by contrast to be over-the-top gregarious and extrovert. More LOL. Yes Nellie, I must seem to be more like you. ROFL.

Kind regards again to you and to all: JohnnyX.

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Trigger Hippie on October 05, 2007, 07:16:35 AM
You're right Nell!

People are People.....

We are just better matched to each other as Human Beings, than we may be with any others.

BBM rang a bell in most of us, the same bell, just heard from different places.

It was never feasible that we would all be life long "best friends", but it was clear that a lot of us had the same path to tread in moving forwards (LOL! Gaily forwards!) in our lives, and that we knew here there would be someone to walk with us, through long or short sections of that journey.

For many of us difficult sections of the journey are behind us, and we are content to walk our current section alone, but we come back to make sure that others have the help they need, or when we "turn our ankle" (Linda put that foot up!) and need some support.

How nice is that!

Life changes, life changes us, we change life, we change others lives, but, at least, a lot of us are living our lives, rather than watching them pass by from a distance.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on October 05, 2007, 09:21:39 AM
Nellie, I will continue to LOOK FORWARD to your postings on here

No, Johnny...that was my last post for this thread...I'm done

But hopefully I'll see you somewhere on the few threads I do visit...good luck!

Nellie :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Trigger Hippie on October 05, 2007, 01:21:46 PM
Nellie, I will continue to LOOK FORWARD to your postings on here

No, Johnny...that was my last post for this thread...I'm done

But hopefully I'll see you somewhere on the few threads I do visit...good luck!

Nellie :-*

Second from last actually! ::)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: BayCityJohn on October 05, 2007, 01:36:46 PM

No, Johnny...that was my last post for this thread...I'm done

Nellie :-*

”….uh huh…only time will tell.

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: JohnnyX on October 05, 2007, 05:49:09 PM

No, Johnny...that was my last post for this thread...I'm done

Nellie :-*

”….uh huh…only time will tell.

Yeah, John: we know our Nellie, don't we? (we hope).
We can't lose her just like that. So we will just have to sit here every day, patiently waiting for that day when time WILL tell us that she has more to regale us with. Waiting ... waiting ...
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: quithammerin on October 08, 2007, 02:15:40 PM
Well, it's Thanksgiving here in Canada; as I've said before, we have all the traditional things you will have in the US in November: turkey, pumpkin pie, family bickering...and we try  to stop whining for awhile, steer around the "platitude of gratitude" and really think about how much we've got to be thankful for.

And for me, high on that list is our favourite movie and this forum.

Of course, I don't always feel thankful. I envy people who spend more time on the forum, I envy people who spend less time on the forum.  I envy people who have more knowledge, insight, generosity and friendships than me. When I step back, though, I can see that it's really nothing but wonderful.

It's been nearly 2 years now; yes, it's evolved, and no, I don't know what's next.  But I will never forget all of this. I suppose you could say it's dragged me, kicking and screaming, into the post-modern world. I'm thinking about how forum folks have taught me how many different ways of looking at things there are out there, so many of them new to me, and how many different correct answers there are to some questions.  I've started learning how to hold a rainbow of perspectives in my heart and head.   I'm thankful for that, and so much more.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: michaelflanagansf on October 08, 2007, 09:01:35 PM
It's been said a million times "once I stopped looking, he/she found me!"

Hmmm...I stopped looking years ago.  {looks around}  Nope, not here yet.

Maybe I need to hide better.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: jack on October 08, 2007, 09:30:13 PM
whut he said^^^

the directive i got from my higher power was that it might be best if i first found myself.
(a rather lengthy and often unpleasant process in my case)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Brokeback_1 on October 08, 2007, 10:01:54 PM
I was lucky.
I'd stopped looking, saw BBM, woke up, bestirred myself, went to see if 'it' was still alive and the love of my life was just...there.

Waiting.

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Amiennis on October 09, 2007, 03:21:02 AM
I was lucky.
I'd stopped looking, saw BBM, woke up, bestirred myself, went to see if 'it' was still alive and the love of my life was just...there.

Waiting.

The same more or less applies to my situation.

I needed a serious wake-up call, and BBM provided it.
More in a week or two - my 1st anniversary is coming up ;)...
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Nax on October 09, 2007, 03:34:18 AM
True the film affected me, but not half as much as the people here have.  Sometimes reality is better than fiction  ;)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: atruant on October 09, 2007, 10:49:24 AM
The same more or less applies to my situation.

I needed a serious wake-up call, and BBM provided it.
More in a week or two - my 1st anniversary is coming up ;)...

Likewise with Chuck and me, Marc (and Rob). Love found us, facilitated by BBM.

Marc, good to see again you in recent pictures!

John
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Trigger Hippie on October 09, 2007, 01:31:47 PM
whut he said^^^

the directive i got from my higher power was that it might be best if i first found myself.
(a rather lengthy and often unpleasant process in my case)

 ;D :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Trigger Hippie on October 09, 2007, 01:33:38 PM
Rob and I have recently passed 18 months of commitment. Roll on Jan 2008 for 2 years

 :D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on October 09, 2007, 01:36:12 PM
and how cool is it that a movie could lead to that for so many?


My turn is coming, I know it.  ;)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: killersmom on October 09, 2007, 05:21:07 PM
As always congratulations and just the best, Nick and Rob!!

I know that you will Chuck. You can't help but get your turn.  :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on October 09, 2007, 08:35:37 PM
 :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Lil Sis!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rei-gyoku on October 10, 2007, 12:56:13 AM

I don't remember where but I once heard a saying
"Life is a flash of an instant between two eternities."

In this universe, on this beautiful azure planet, in the flash of a moment in the
eternal flow of time we met, brought together by a small film, thanks to the
technology that enabled us to communicate, we share experiences of
our lives both good and bad but enriched us all.

The fact that I came in late to this forum makes me feel a little bit sad I was not here in the midst of the huge obsession and now that many members drifted away or graduated.
Still I feel I am lucky to be here now I want to thank you all for staying.

Love
 :-* :-*

Rei-g
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on October 10, 2007, 01:21:43 AM
But it's not too late, baby!

Yes this forum is evolving...changing....like we are. Otherwise it'd be just a dead thing.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rei-gyoku on October 10, 2007, 01:27:17 AM
Adding a little bit more crap to my previous one of 18th Sept. ;D

---
My father did not say anything before he died.  I imagine he sensed what was coming
yet he did not tell my mother how he felt.  He did not thank her, he did not say
anything about us kids, he did not say he was afraid, he did not even express how much
pain he was in.

A few years later I heard from my grand aunt that my father once told her my
mother kept accusing him in the hospital.  She accused him bitterly for how
badly she had been treated by her in-laws since the early days of their marriage.
My grand aunt told me my father whined that the accusation tortured him
when he was already so sick.

It is possible my mother decided to take a vengeance on him while he was alive.
My father was having an affair with a lady in his office in New Jersey.  I learned
about this later, (although I knew then she was around often) it did not bother
me, my father was already gone.  I just wished he had done a better job to be discreet
so us kids did not have to deal with the resentment the incident left with our mother.
I will never hear his side of the story on this.  And it is okay, it keeps me from believing
everything what my mother says.  It takes two to tango.

When my father fell ill in New Jersey, his company did try to give us a company
residence in Tokyo.  They already had candidate schools for us with curriculum for
students who returned from overseas.  But before we returned to Japan, my
grandfather went ahead and dealt with the company and told them he would take us all back in Okayama instead.
Like Jack Twist’s father who refused to let go of Jack's ashes, my grandfather wanted
to let my father die in his custody.  My father was the eldest of 6 brothers and sisters,
probably the one his parents counted on most.  What would have been better for us as a family was not my grandfather's concern.

My father lost his job title at the end of the year, left with a mere honorary one in the
Human Resources Department, a fine medal for a good-for-nothing employee.
This was only two weeks before his death, one of the very last things he knew before he fell into coma.  The company management said to my mother after he had died,
"We are very sorry but your father-in-law just cut us off.  Little we could do.” 

I knew many things, which were probably all true.  I even knew my
parents had to give up their first child my mother conceived because my
father's parents were badly in debt when my parents got married.
I probably would have been a much happier kid without all those knowledge.
The adults were not very good at keeping things from the kids.

So many touching stories out there about such beautiful things people say to their
loved ones when they face death.  How wonderful.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rei-gyoku on October 10, 2007, 01:48:38 AM
When I look back now, my Father's death was only the beginning of my downward
spiral that followed for several years.  We were fortunate enough to get ourselves a
house with what he left us.
My mother went to work, leaving most of the house chores with me and not my sister.  I went on a school excursion one summer and was away from home for 3 days.  I came
back to find 3 days worth of dirty dishes in the sink.  Same thing occurred after my next school trip.  I did protest to my mother that it was unfair.  She asked me to wait until my sister's high school entrance exam was over.  I waited, nothing happened.
Whenever my mother tried to put my sister to some discipline they ended up yelling and screaming at each other twice or three times a week, or more.  I began to think my mother was just doing the easier way by dumping things on me.  I didn't protest much but became very observant.  My favorite pastime then was reading E. Bronte's Wuthering Heights in bed, an 8th grader with a very sick mind.

My mother finds faults in everybody except herself on any misfortune that occurs.
I believe my sister confronted her because she wanted to be loved and it was not fulfilled.  Recently I asked my mother, just out of curiosity, I need to know something.  Did you not notice that
something was wrong with me when I was around age 13-15?”  She said no.  your sister was surely
wacky but you looked okay.”  I continued, but I was biting my nails until it bled, pulling out my hair and
once I put on more than 10 pounds in one year, a slight case of eating disorder I was developing
She said "Really?  I noticed nothing."

I know now things have to be said in order to be understood.  But back then I tended to go ahead and despise others for being thoughless and insensitive.  To avoid getting hurt, I learned not to expect.  I am born with a characteristic too much like my father.
It doesn't matter anymore because I am no longer a kid.  But if I were told to be my mother's child again, no way!

Thanks again for listening.
Rei-g

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: desertrat on October 10, 2007, 02:01:30 AM
((((((rei-g)))))

it is painful to read how lonely and unloved you felt. why is it always the "good" and "nice" kids who break inside but nobody notices ? the loud, "into-your-face" people get all the attention, and all the affection, but the silent once are suffering in complete loneliness. i feel with you, because i felt that, too.

i hope this place can be your first step out of your nutshell - it is very brave that you are sharing your story, it needs quite some courage at first to talk about personal feelings. there are many hands here that reach out, please take them. i know that the scars you receive in your childhood will never fade away completely - but we can put beautiful tattoos over them so you don't see them too much any more  ;)

(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h55/desertrat77/diner/butterfly.jpg)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rei-gyoku on October 10, 2007, 02:20:03 AM
But it's not too late, baby!

Yes this forum is evolving...changing....like we are. Otherwise it'd be just a dead thing.

Thank you dahlia  :-*.  You are always so sweet.
You mentioned earlier about the language problem.  Put it in your tongue and I will battle with
a dictionary!  We can LEAVE ENGLISH OUT!!! ;D ;D

I have one mammillaria 20years old!  Not big though because once I had to chop it in half. :)
It was a ping-pong ball size when I adopted it from the dark air-conditioned office.

Rei-g

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on October 10, 2007, 02:28:41 AM

I don't remember where but I once heard a saying
"Life is a flash of an instant between two eternities."

In this universe, on this beautiful azure planet, in the flash of a moment in the
eternal flow of time we met, brought together by a small film, thanks to the
technology that enabled us to communicate, we share experiences of
our lives both good and bad but enriched us all.

The fact that I came in late to this forum makes me feel a little bit sad I was not here in the midst of the huge obsession and now that many members drifted away or graduated.
Still I feel I am lucky to be here now I want to thank you all for staying.

Love
 :-* :-*

Rei-g
Rei-g, babe,

Many of us are still here, some only in the lurking mode...

We are all still affected by this movie, still adjusting ourselves to those affects.

You may have arrived "late", but you have many still here with you!

Hugs, sweetie,
Rob
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on October 10, 2007, 02:48:14 AM
Rei-g,

You will find many painful stories in these pages. The ignorance of those before us, those who raised us, is unbelievable, and very sad. We're all here, aren't we, to make sure that the pain isn't passed on to the next generation?

We must learn from those before us. Not just from their words, but also their actions.

Know that many have suffered pain here, many have moved beyond it, some just recognizing it. All here to support each other.

Much love being sent your way, sweetheart,
Rob
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rei-gyoku on October 10, 2007, 02:51:45 AM
((((((rei-g)))))

i hope this place can be your first step out of your nutshell - it is very brave that you are sharing your story, it needs quite some courage at first to talk about personal feelings. there are many hands here that reach out, please take them. i know that the scars you receive in your childhood will never fade away completely - but we can put beautiful tattoos over them so you don't see them too much any more  ;)

Martina darling,
Thank you sweetie for taking time to read.
This was thirty years ago and I am not all like this now, it is only a part of me.
I now reached the age my mother was when I was having a hard time.  Although I do not have any kids,
I know I would never ever do things she did or did not do to any child, and it kind of makes me mad. >:(

I really need a tattoo!
I have a not so nice looking birthmark on my butt that looks like a stepped on slug! ;D ;D
But some public baths and hot springs here don't allow people in with tatts.  Tattoos were for
yakuza (gangs) in the old days, now things are gradually changing.
I am thinking since the birthmark is small, if I get one, I can always cover it up with a bandaid. ::)

Rei-g

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on October 10, 2007, 02:59:11 AM
Congrats on post 600, Rei-g!

 :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*

A slug, stepped on, isn't such a bad thing, eh?
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rei-gyoku on October 10, 2007, 03:10:57 AM
Know that many have suffered pain here, many have moved beyond it, some just recognizing it. All here to support each other.

Much love being sent your way, sweetheart,
Rob

Rob,
Are you going to work or have you finished?

When I first started posting here I noticed.
There are so many beautiful pictures of you in this forum, but I always see a slightest
shade between your eyebrows or a faint sadness in your eyes deep and in your smiles.
I really hope the day will come soon when they will totally go away.

Love you,

Reiko

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on October 10, 2007, 03:15:28 AM
A sad bit of childhood in my own life, Rei-g. Look at some of my original posts, you'll see that for yourself.

I work the night shift, with Tuesday and Wednesday nights off. Makes tonight my "Saturday". :)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rei-gyoku on October 10, 2007, 03:32:01 AM
Congrats on post 600, Rei-g!

 :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*

A slug, stepped on, isn't such a bad thing, eh?

Thanks!
I remembered when I reached 400, after that could never keep track.  It's the diner, I know.
Well, it can almost go as a kissmark, but not quite, it's a slug. ;D

Enjoy your Saturday night but don't stay up too late. :-*
One more week, yay?

Rei-g
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: ayuni on October 10, 2007, 03:52:12 AM
But it's not too late, baby!

Yes this forum is evolving...changing....like we are. Otherwise it'd be just a dead thing.

I've only recently discovered BBM. I'm still in the haunted phase, as I call it, desperately trying to stay away from the house when BBM is on cable, so I don't get tempted to get swallowed back into the bittersweet heartache.

I discovered the forum about a week after I first saw the film (which was about 6 or eight months ago) Like most of you, I was shattered, unable to go about my daily routine for days! I couldn't stop crying for months! (I still do, sometimes) Discovering this forum assured me that I wasn't crazy, I wasn't the only one experiencing this reaction. I was OK, this thing that's happening to me is natural. comfort in numbers...

So as you older Brokies get on with your lives, and share your experiences, choices, thoughts, that resulted from this film, please keep in mind that there are folks like me, that arrived to the party 2 years late, and we desperately need you here, and this forum, to keep us sane.

After months of lurking on almost all the threads, please accept a big hug and thank you, from me

Ayuni
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Nax on October 10, 2007, 04:46:22 AM
Welcome Ayuni, it's never too late  ;)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on October 10, 2007, 05:14:59 AM
Welcome Ayuni!   Like Nax says, it's never too late!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Trigger Hippie on October 10, 2007, 05:41:11 AM
But it's not too late, baby!

Yes this forum is evolving...changing....like we are. Otherwise it'd be just a dead thing.

I've only recently discovered BBM. I'm still in the haunted phase, as I call it, desperately trying to stay away from the house when BBM is on cable, so I don't get tempted to get swallowed back into the bittersweet heartache.

I discovered the forum about a week after I first saw the film (which was about 6 or eight months ago) Like most of you, I was shattered, unable to go about my daily routine for days! I couldn't stop crying for months! (I still do, sometimes) Discovering this forum assured me that I wasn't crazy, I wasn't the only one experiencing this reaction. I was OK, this thing that's happening to me is natural. comfort in numbers...

So as you older Brokies get on with your lives, and share your experiences, choices, thoughts, that resulted from this film, please keep in mind that there are folks like me, that arrived to the party 2 years late, and we desperately need you here, and this forum, to keep us sane.

After months of lurking on almost all the threads, please accept a big hug and thank you, from me

Ayuni


Ayuni

I have been, gone and come back from this place, both physically, emotionally and spiritually, since my first post in early January 2006 (eeek) so long ago. Since that first post, here I have met my future husband/partner to be "Rob in Puyallup", met and continue to meet many friends from all over the world and have changed my life in many ways.

I have waded through the post-BBM life changing horror, found love (and I wasn't looking), fought some of my own battles with my past, took time to be a moderator here on the forum, deleted my account came back and now find myself like many of the "older Brokies" lurking more than posting, which after 10,000+ nonsense posts, is probably a good thing.

I was only saying to Rob last night that it is a shame that many of us lurk now rather than interact on the forum as we used to, because we had a real sense of cameraderie, support and we had fun, the word family is still often used. It was the fact that so many people decided to get out there and talk, share and interact that made the forum what it was, but many have retreated again, for whatever reason, and the place is a lot quieter nowadays. (and bizarrely, considering I am as guilty as anyone, I don't like the fact that we all retreated again - it feels wrong).

But a lot of us are still here and still understand exactly what you feel and still are happy to support.

So join in and have fun.

Nick
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: chapeaugris on October 10, 2007, 05:47:18 AM
Old timer delurking just for the hell of it (since Nick has made me feel guilty).  :D

Always nice to know there are people still being affected. I am scheduled to present the film at a regular film night in a little town near us (in France) on the 25th. Just a small space that rarely gets more than 6 or 7 people for a film (last month it was Harold and Maude, in English with French subtitles). I will report on the reaction afterwards.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Trigger Hippie on October 10, 2007, 05:48:31 AM
Know that many have suffered pain here, many have moved beyond it, some just recognizing it. All here to support each other.

Much love being sent your way, sweetheart,
Rob

Rob,
Are you going to work or have you finished?

When I first started posting here I noticed.
There are so many beautiful pictures of you in this forum, but I always see a slightest
shade between your eyebrows or a faint sadness in your eyes deep and in your smiles.
I really hope the day will come soon when they will totally go away.

Love you,

Reiko



I hope that his sadness is a little farther away nowadays, I try very hard to make it so.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Trigger Hippie on October 10, 2007, 05:49:10 AM
Old timer delurking just for the hell of it (since Nick has made me feel guilty).  :D

Always nice to know there are people still being affected. I am scheduled to present the film at a regular film night in a little town near us (in France) on the 25th. Just a small space that rarely gets more than 6 or 7 people for a film (last month it was Harold and Maude, in English with French subtitles). I will report on the reaction afterwards.

I made myself feel guilty sweetheart!  :D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rei-gyoku on October 10, 2007, 06:51:43 AM
I hope that his sadness is a little farther away nowadays, I try very hard to make it so.

Oh, I didn't mean to say it that way, Nick.

I can tell when the pictures are taken by you, honestly.
Nothing but sheer bliss!

Rei-g
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rei-gyoku on October 10, 2007, 07:01:22 AM
After months of lurking on almost all the threads, please accept a big hug and thank you, from me
Ayuni


Welcome Ayuni.
Months of lurking!!  Wow!
I found this place three days after I saw the film on DVD this May and registered immediately.
I was desperate.

Hope you see you here often. :)
Hugs,

Rei-gyoku
(Rei-g or Rei for short)

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on October 10, 2007, 08:31:34 AM
Rei-g, sweet lady, Ayuni, new friend, thank you both for sharing your time and your emotions with us.  As Nick (Trigger Hippie) said, many of us, the original, or nearly original, posters (I've been here since Jan 2006) have pulled back from posting, now mostly lurking.  For me, sometimes, it feels as if I have said all I can, have done all I can.  Then, along come you two, and others like you, still searching, still trying to understand, still needing to open up because Brokeback somehow allows that to happen....

I remember that I used to say to newbies that "we are here for you, rest and let us hold you up, til you can stand on your own."  That is still true, dear ones, still true.  You are NOT alone in this search for whatever you need from Brokeback and the world that it has helped you see anew.

Your Brokeback sister,
Jackie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Bobby19in1963 on October 10, 2007, 01:07:14 PM
Hi! All:

I can hardly see the screen from the tears in my eyes.  I've only been here since Feb 6, 2006, so I still consider myself a Newbie of the Oldies!  Settle down, this may be a long post, because the past two years since Brokeback came out have been a roller coaster for me.  I want you newer poster/lurkers to know that without this Forum my life ... well, it might have been over, and that's as drastic as it gets.  But with the Forum watching my back all this time, I am coming out of this thing smelling like a rose...well, at least when people hug me they say, "Hmmm...you smell good!"  A gift of cologne from a fellow Arizona Brokie, back when I couldn't believe anyone would give me a gift so nice.

I just felt drawn here today to write my appreciation for Paintedshoes and all those who befriended, loved, mothered, sistered and brothered me through the crisis that is Brokeback Mountain in many lives.

I'm the 62-year-old, Mormon, married 42+ years guy who came here hoping to save it all and have now found out I can't.  I'm separated from my wife, but remain on speaking terms with her, estranged from my church, and in an uneasy truce with my children.  Thousands of acquaintances and friends are now on the outside of my life, but the good news is I am building a new life in the gay community, found a good new church, Gentle Shepherd Metropolitan Community Church in Phoenix, and now that I've come through the 'valley of the shadow' of depression and have arrived on the other side, loving every minute of it these days.

Let's just run down this last few days.  Phoenix just celebrated its yearly Rainbows Festival and I attended, along with 25,000 others, the two days of festivities.  I worked with fellow members of my new church in our booth, and helped staff the Budweiser Beer Wagon (for tips for our Church's General Fund).  On the table in our booth, and the thing I talked most about, were flyers for our book, Beyond Brokeback.  People are still amazed and wide eyed when they see that we've written a book...it has affected so many the numbers are astronomical in the gay community...almost everyone I've met has a story.

First, I cannot tell you how overwhelmed I was by the emotion of feeling like I had come 'HOME!'  The thousands of people at the Festival that streamed by our booth ... I just felt so connected with every individualistic one of them.  Big ones, fat ones, tall ones, skinny ones...you know the saying...I was just so thankful to be in the 'in' crowd now.  I didn't identify with many of them, but I identified with the fact that they were out and proud of every bit of individuality they could muster.

Funny thing happened...this young man walked by with what I thought were white panties of some kind, and nothing else but his bronze skin and a big smile.  I grinned and turned to a co-worker and in amazement said I guess you can do whatever here and no one seems to raise an eyebrow.  Did you see that guy?  I think all he had on was his underwear!  She said, what did you think of his cowboy hat, to which I replied, "What cowboy hat!?!"  My face turned all shades of red!  We laughed everytime we thought of that for hours!  Poor Bobby's first real time "OUT!"  What a hoot!

Monday afternoon I went to an appointment with my therapist and wore my Rainbows Festival 2007 T-Shirt and we rejoiced in the changes a year and a half can make.  I was bubbly and happy and he was the same for me.  He has been a good source of information and hope and advice for me.  He's always reminding me that I'm on the right track and not just following that thing that dangles between my legs.

After seeing him I met with my pastor to talk about an offer from the Editor of our paper to write something concerning the candidacy of Mitt Romney for President and the Mormon Church's stand on gays.  (BTW- According to them I am to live a celibate life without companionship to prove to the Lord that I am worthy of the Celestial Kingdom, 'when all things will be understood.'  As my grandson says, "I don't THINK so, Grandpa!")  After awhile we decided that I am doing so well at this time that I don't need to do anything in the paper as far as an editorial.

Last night I went to the theater with a fellow church member who invited me to a First Rehearsal Party for the play, The Pursuit of Happiness, which opens next week.  I've never done anything like that before and it was amazing.  The Producer, Director, Cast and support staff all sat in chairs at the front of the stage and talked to us about the playwrite and the play.  They did a ten minute skit or scene, and then we had a question and answer session.  After that we had food from the Big Fat Greek Restaurant across the street, catered, and mingled with cast and crew.  It was just fun!  My frend and I sat with a couple he knew who had been together 13 years now...one partner had been married for 17 years and had children and grandchildren, so we could relate well to each other.  When I took my friend home he invited me to go with him to the Tucson Pride event this weekend (We have ours in the cooler months of the year so we don't kill a lot of people with the heat!)

Saturday morning I came out to my sister-in-law who said she and her husband were gay rights activists on a small scale, walking in marches, etc.  I'm sorry I waited so long to tell them.

I write this to just say that I think I've moved to a much better place in my life.  I'm positive.  I've gained a few pounds but have a plan to get it off again, but still have a total loss with Brokeback of 60 lbs., which ain't small potatoes.

Speaking to the pain of the movie...it is there...I think when I stop and concentrate on how I felt when I first wallowed in its message the pain returns and helps guide me to do more with my life.  I want to and will find someone to share it with, as I get my act together a little more.  The people here and in my church are wonderful friends and perhaps I'll click with someone.  My therapist reminded me that since I'm taking good care of myself, I could live 30 more years...Whoa!  But his point was, no one knows what can happen, so just get prepared and live a good life and expect the unexpected!

Life really is good!

Love ya'll,

Bobby
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: richchan on October 10, 2007, 01:48:44 PM
Bobby19in1963

Your post is fantastic! I can't say how pleased it makes me to see that you've managed to navigate through what must have been some very turbulant times and come out on top!!

Congratulations

Richchan
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: chapeaugris on October 10, 2007, 02:03:03 PM
I'm always pleased when someone who has undergone major changes because of the film tells their tale again here because I like to think there are new lurkers among the old ones who haven't heard it before. The smoochy huggy love fests are fine but I like posts with a bit of meat. Um, I mean.. heh heh — god, this place has totally screwed up my vocabulary.  ::) ;D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: john john on October 10, 2007, 02:09:59 PM
Bobby!! I'm so happy for you.
What wonders honesty perseverance and determination can do!!

((((hug)))))
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Bobby19in1963 on October 10, 2007, 02:41:46 PM
One challenge is that I'm getting so busy it's hard to even keep up with my Lovesick Diet thread!

Oh, BTW, my new church is going to launch a campaign in Arizona around Super Bowl time entitled...Would Jesus Discriminate?  They did a wonderful job in Indianapolis and had a 16% positive change in attitudes among those surveyed after the campaign.  It's fun to be in an activist church.  We have a gay and a lesbian co-pastors.  They are a hoot! on Sunday.  Rev. Brad said, "What was special about Robin Hood?" as it fit into a part of his sermon.  From the congregation someone yelled out, 'He wore tights!'  That's my kinda church!

If anyone's intersted in a WJD T-Shirt, let me know in a PM and we'll figure out how to get one to you.  At least I hope we can.  That reminds me, we have to work something out to sell them on our website.  http://gsmcc.org.  We're selling them to raise money for the campaign.

Thanx! for the comments everyone.  They always feel good.

Bobby
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on October 10, 2007, 05:33:29 PM
A long time ago a song was recorded that hit me... then along came our movie. Brokeback Mountain affected me like nothing else ever had or has.

This video reminded me pains at the beginning.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18-UpudYVkM

Today I have Nick. A long distance relationship kept alive through text messages and live video chat on Skype. In less than a week Nick will be arriving for another visit, always too short, this time for 15 days...

My life has changed so much because of our movie!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: fritzkep on October 10, 2007, 07:57:47 PM
Never enough time, never enough. Bless you, Rob & Nick.

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: jack on October 10, 2007, 08:22:05 PM
The smoochy huggy love fests are fine but I like posts with a bit of meat.
whut she said^^  :)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: jack on October 10, 2007, 09:04:16 PM
okay, i haven't entirely gone silent or gone away, but i have opted to not keep interjecting myself into threads in which i have long since had my say.  usually, if someone says something that strikes a chord in me, i just send a PM and support others that way.

i have been posting in this forum since december 26 '05, and before that in dave's salon blog BBM comments thread (and what a story that is).  in fact, october  30th will mark my 2 year anniversary of entering this conversation.  through all of the ups and downs, disappointments and disagreements, threats and hugs, i am still here, more subdued perhaps. but here.

my 24 year experience of a recovery from alcoholism, and by extention, madness;  gave me a pretty good idea of what people might be feeling and needing when they got to this forum.  to be sure much of the allure was the horse race of awards season, and/or the hunkitude of the lead actors, but something much more was afoot.  somehow, this story, and far more so this film, triggered a mass reaction in those of us with broken souls, including many of us who didn't even realize we were broken.  for myself, for all of the great distance i had travelled emotionally in sobriety, a sad resignation had become my refuge.  i had made a commitment to take my "revenge" on society at large, by living my remaining years as comfortably, in spite of my financial and social status, as i could possibly manage, and accept the solitude amongst nonexistent peers with as much grace and gratitude as i could muster.

in this forum, i found the gay family i had never, in all those years, through all that sturm and drang, seemed to acquire.  of straight friends or womenfolk i had no shortage of intimates, but i felt a great deal like that mastodon in that "ïce age" movie, the last of my kind.  while i only had a couple of brief exploratory flirtations here that fizzled quite quickly, i have made friends, both gay and straight, male and female, enough to last a lifetime.  best of all, many of them are, like me, gay men "of a certain age", others younger and older, but all searching.  i have never felt more a part of something in my life, even in AA.

here's my salute to my friends, and my love to those wonderful peers.  and here's to those just arriving, especially those far flung men just now creeping out of their rural or not-so-rural closets.  come out, come out, the weather may be turbulent, but the fresh air is beyond invigorating.

love,

jack   
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on October 10, 2007, 10:56:11 PM
Bobby, darling,

"I can hardly see the screen for the tears in my eyes..." 

I am smiling, too, dear heart, to read of the successes you have achieved as you have come to truly believe in yourself and DO what you needed to make that belief a reality.  Jeez, I wish I could give you a hug right now, friend!  (((((((((((((((Bobby))))))))))))))))

Just look at the HOPE you have given and are giving, every day, to those who need so desperately to believe that change for the better CAN happen....

 :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on October 10, 2007, 10:57:49 PM

Today I have Nick. A long distance relationship kept alive through text messages and live video chat on Skype. In less than a week Nick will be arriving for another visit, always too short, this time for 15 days...

My life has changed so much because of our movie!
And the love that you two share, darling Rob and Nick, is an inspiration for everyone. 
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on October 11, 2007, 01:12:38 AM

This was thirty years ago and I am not all like this now, it is only a part of me.
I now reached the age my mother was when I was having a hard time.  Although I do not have any kids,
I know I would never ever do things she did or did not do to any child, and it kind of makes me mad. >:(



Hi Rei thanks for your heartfelt posts!

I, for sure, did not have such a sad childhood, yet I remember many a bitter day! (and I always fight with people who claim that childhood and adolescence are the blissful times of your life! Im much better NOW!!)

I am a mother of 2 young kids, and I fight everyday to avoid the mistakes that my parents made. It aint easy! At all. It's a never-ending trial-and-error process. I expect much pain, doubts, frustration.....and hopefully, to achieve some good results in the end.

Many of the things I read here help (I think) to give me insights and useful thoughts. And I thank you all.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: ayuni on October 11, 2007, 01:13:42 AM
One challenge is that I'm getting so busy it's hard to even keep up with my Lovesick Diet thread!

Oh, BTW, my new church is going to launch a campaign in Arizona around Super Bowl time entitled...Would Jesus Discriminate?  They did a wonderful job in Indianapolis and had a 16% positive change in attitudes among those surveyed after the campaign.  It's fun to be in an activist church.  We have a gay and a lesbian co-pastors.  They are a hoot! on Sunday.  Rev. Brad said, "What was special about Robin Hood?" as it fit into a part of his sermon.  From the congregation someone yelled out, 'He wore tights!'  That's my kinda church!

If anyone's intersted in a WJD T-Shirt, let me know in a PM and we'll figure out how to get one to you.  At least I hope we can.  That reminds me, we have to work something out to sell them on our website.  http://gsmcc.org.  We're selling them to raise money for the campaign.

Thanx! for the comments everyone.  They always feel good.

Bobby

Bobby thank you for sharing. True inspiration!
Paintedshoes and others: thanks so much for your warm welcome

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on October 11, 2007, 01:29:17 AM
Hi Ayuni I wish to welcome you too!

And this is my 300th!!!! I never thought I'd made it! RL is so demanding!

Just to celebrate, I've thrown away my old avatar (the dahlia flower) and put my own pic.

And this is just another thing I thought I'd never do! Put MY face in a public forum??? Telling intimate things about my life? And recognize that I so much need to feel love and affection from total strangers?? Share my feelings in public?? Admitting that I envy those of you who actually met, while I'm so far away from most of you, and so stuck up with my daily life - work, kids and so on - that it'd be almost impossible for me to think of doing the same? NEVER!!!!!

OK, I've done it. I so much need your love and affection.

It almost feels like a mini coming out LOL!!!!

Love to all of you
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: ayuni on October 11, 2007, 01:41:59 AM
wow big step there Dahlia, good for you!
I know the feeling. I was once very very active in a parenting forum. I organized get togethers and I was very well known in the crowd. It took awhile to get there but it felt great. I felt I was surrounded with lovely people with the same feelings and questions I had. Forums are a very powerful source for support, I and see that this forum is no exception. I was brought to tears more than once  just by reading about the interactions that went on here and still are going on.

I too am very far away, Israel, and I don't have anyone here to share my feelings with. I also think that watching the film with translations, you loose the powerfulness words in the translation. Maybe that's why there aren't many Brokies around here.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: michaelflanagansf on October 11, 2007, 01:47:57 AM
And this is my 300th!!!! I never thought I'd made it! RL is so demanding!

Just to celebrate, I've thrown away my old avatar (the dahlia flower) and put my own pic.

grazie dahlia!  It's great to see you!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: michaelflanagansf on October 11, 2007, 01:51:47 AM
I too am very far away, Israel, and I don't have anyone here to share my feelings with. I also think that watching the film with translations, you loose the powerfulness words in the translation. Maybe that's why there aren't many Brokies around here.

Ayuni, I don't know if you are aware but several of us are planning on getting together in the UK next summer.  The thread is here:

http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=20185.0

Aside from that the next closest brokies to you (that I can think of) are in Greece.

Welcome!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: ayuni on October 11, 2007, 02:00:11 AM
yes I know, thank you :)

I am actually planning a trip to the UK sometime. I've never been to London. I'd love a weekend away but I plan to do so when... well... when Coldplay (my other obsession) schedule a concert.  ;)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: desertrat on October 11, 2007, 02:17:55 AM
Bobby - i'm SO happy for you ! you sound so different nowadays from the person who first joined, so desperate and sad. your life has just begun now... ;)

dahlia - nice to SEE you !  ;)

ayuni - welcome to this place !
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Trigger Hippie on October 11, 2007, 06:42:02 AM
okay, i haven't entirely gone silent or gone away, but i have opted to not keep interjecting myself into threads in which i have long since had my say.  usually, if someone says something that strikes a chord in me, i just send a PM and support others that way.

i have been posting in this forum since december 26 '05, and before that in dave's salon blog BBM comments thread (and what a story that is).  in fact, october  30th will mark my 2 year anniversary of entering this conversation.  through all of the ups and downs, disappointments and disagreements, threats and hugs, i am still here, more subdued perhaps. but here.

my 24 year experience of a recovery from alcoholism, and by extention, madness;  gave me a pretty good idea of what people might be feeling and needing when they got to this forum.  to be sure much of the allure was the horse race of awards season, and/or the hunkitude of the lead actors, but something much more was afoot.  somehow, this story, and far more so this film, triggered a mass reaction in those of us with broken souls, including many of us who didn't even realize we were broken.  for myself, for all of the great distance i had travelled emotionally in sobriety, a sad resignation had become my refuge.  i had made a commitment to take my "revenge" on society at large, by living my remaining years as comfortably, in spite of my financial and social status, as i could possibly manage, and accept the solitude amongst nonexistent peers with as much grace and gratitude as i could muster.

in this forum, i found the gay family i had never, in all those years, through all that sturm and drang, seemed to acquire.  of straight friends or womenfolk i had no shortage of intimates, but i felt a great deal like that mastodon in that "ïce age" movie, the last of my kind.  while i only had a couple of brief exploratory flirtations here that fizzled quite quickly, i have made friends, both gay and straight, male and female, enough to last a lifetime.  best of all, many of them are, like me, gay men "of a certain age", others younger and older, but all searching.  i have never felt more a part of something in my life, even in AA.

here's my salute to my friends, and my love to those wonderful peers.  and here's to those just arriving, especially those far flung men just now creeping out of their rural or not-so-rural closets.  come out, come out, the weather may be turbulent, but the fresh air is beyond invigorating.

love,

jack   

Hugs Jack :)

but did you say you had recovered from madness. I beg to differ! You are as crazy cranky as ever, just how we like you.

 :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Trigger Hippie on October 11, 2007, 06:44:28 AM
Hi Ayuni I wish to welcome you too!

And this is my 300th!!!! I never thought I'd made it! RL is so demanding!

Just to celebrate, I've thrown away my old avatar (the dahlia flower) and put my own pic.

And this is just another thing I thought I'd never do! Put MY face in a public forum??? Telling intimate things about my life? And recognize that I so much need to feel love and affection from total strangers?? Share my feelings in public?? Admitting that I envy those of you who actually met, while I'm so far away from most of you, and so stuck up with my daily life - work, kids and so on - that it'd be almost impossible for me to think of doing the same? NEVER!!!!!

OK, I've done it. I so much need your love and affection.

It almost feels like a mini coming out LOL!!!!

Love to all of you


Well after all this time Honey, it is nice to see you.

Hugs

Nick
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on October 11, 2007, 07:00:22 AM
Dahlia, so good to see you!!!  Thank you!!!

ayuni, thanks for continuing to post, I'm glad you are here!

and Jack, some things bear repeating!   ;D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: jack on October 11, 2007, 07:43:15 AM

Hugs Jack :)

but did you say you had recovered from madness. I beg to differ! You are as crazy cranky as ever, just how we like you.

 :-*
says one cranky mastadon to the other... :P :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on October 11, 2007, 08:34:25 AM
Hi Ayuni I wish to welcome you too!

And this is my 300th!!!! I never thought I'd made it! RL is so demanding!

Just to celebrate, I've thrown away my old avatar (the dahlia flower) and put my own pic.

And this is just another thing I thought I'd never do! Put MY face in a public forum??? Telling intimate things about my life? And recognize that I so much need to feel love and affection from total strangers?? Share my feelings in public?? Admitting that I envy those of you who actually met, while I'm so far away from most of you, and so stuck up with my daily life - work, kids and so on - that it'd be almost impossible for me to think of doing the same? NEVER!!!!!

OK, I've done it. I so much need your love and affection.

It almost feels like a mini coming out LOL!!!!

Love to all of you
Dahlia!  You are so beautiful!  Thank you for sharing yourself like this...yes, it is a HUGE step to open up, isn't it?  If someone had told me two years ago that I'd be doing this, I would have said they were nuts!   :D  As for not ever meeting any of us?  Read my sig line, the quote from Boris.  He wrote that to me in a pm last year, just after finding that he WOULD be meeting many of us in Texas.  His words were and ARE true.  "Miracles do happen."  In the meantime, sharing feelings, needs, ideas, pain, joy, frustrations....all these things have made life more bearable, in some cases new, for a lot of us here. You ARE loved, Dahlia, for your courage in being here, in opening up, for being the lovely person you are.   :-* :-* :-* :-*

-Jackie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on October 11, 2007, 08:46:23 AM
yes I know, thank you :)

I am actually planning a trip to the UK sometime. I've never been to London. I'd love a weekend away but I plan to do so when... well... when Coldplay (my other obsession) schedule a concert.  ;)
LOL....so we just have to arrange for them to be in Oxford in June next year, right?   ;)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Bobby19in1963 on October 11, 2007, 09:00:59 AM
Interesting...I couldn't go to San Antonio, and I couldn't go to Estes Park, and I've missed every other get together within the borders of our wonderful nation...but wonder of wonders I'm planning to go to Oxford, England for my first out-of-state get together!

Bobby
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: JohnnyX on October 11, 2007, 09:01:07 AM
Hi! All:
...
I just felt drawn here today to write my appreciation for Paintedshoes and all those who befriended, loved, mothered, sistered and brothered me through the crisis that is Brokeback Mountain in many lives.
...
Life really is good!

Love ya'll,

Bobby

Hello Bobby!
Woohee!! Thanks for that posting, giving not only your history, but also your present.
And what a lovely "present" or gift that posting will be to so many on here, who can use you and your story as an inspiration in their own lives.

Great to see you posting back in here. Please keep returning to provide us with more updates.
Best wishes: JohnnyX.

AND to all of our other recent posters and new arrivals: welcome and welcome back. How nice it is to read updates here. Please keep coming back to us.  bye for now. J.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on October 11, 2007, 09:06:02 AM
Interesting...I couldn't go to San Antonio, and I couldn't go to Estes Park, and I've missed every other get together within the borders of our wonderful nation...but wonder of wonders I'm planning to go to Oxford, England for my first out-of-state get together!

Bobby
Yeeeeeeee Haaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: conny on October 11, 2007, 09:54:36 AM
dahlia good to see you hon  :)

and wow bobby your life is going great!!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on October 12, 2007, 01:07:29 AM
(((((Ayuni... Nick.....Martina.... Michael.... Jackie... Conny... CellarDweller.... and Jack.....and all of you guys.......))))))

Yes miracles DO happen! YOU are a miracle, thank you.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Ivanhoe on October 12, 2007, 02:28:58 AM
Hello everybody,
First, sorry for my english. I am from Serbia and I've never learned english in school. I saw the movie first time 5 days ago, and cried 4 days after it...(I believe I am gonna cry today again because I continue to watch some scenes from it). I am in love with this movie. It opened my eyes and crushed me in the same time. 
I am 33 y.o. gay male who tried to live "normal life". I am married for 5 years, and I have a son. He will be 5 in january. I love him more than myself, of course. But, I've always knew I am gay. I couldn't let down my parrents and I've learned to live with woman. But, my nature and my real needs become stronger in time and finally I couldn't stand it anymore. Two years ago I meet my Jack, almost by accident. We had that imediate, strong connection, full of passion. We spend one week together and I realised I can't live without him anymore. My struggle started... My wife and son on one side, and him in the other side.. I cried like a baby on airport and I simply couldn't let him go because I was afraid he will never return and I will never feel again that kind of love, so deep and so strong.... I've never feel it before. I came back home in bad mood, but I thought it will fade in time. But, at home everybody noticed I've changed.. I become sad and lost...phisycaly here, but mentaly somewhere else... My Jack and me stayed in permanent contact...we wrote to each other every day and my love for him didn't fade at all. One year passed, and like he promised, he came again. We spent one more week together, and again I felt like I am in heaven... In airport, when he had to go back to his country, I realised I have to tell my wife about me.. My feelings were so messed up.
In the same time I felt I HAVE to tell her, and I felt like: "Am I crazy? It is crazy to tell her!" She was already in depression because she suspected I have someone esle and when I came home, she was already in bad mood. I told her the same moment that I am gay, and she started to cry... It was in december last year. Her therapist told us to try to live together, to give our marriage one more chanse...And we tried, I really tried hard...And we had some good and bad periods, just like therpaist said. But, I couldn't forget my Jack... We wrote to each other everyday... Today is 12. october. He is comming in 7 days to meet me again. My marriage is falling appart. Me and my wife decided to go separate ways. She can't live with me anymore and I don't have right to hold her beside me, because I can't give her what she really needs. Our son will be with her mom, and I have to deal with it. Some 10 days ago they both left me and moved to her parrents. I cried everytime I looked at my sons empty bed. My house was empty without them...but again, I don't have right to hold her back. After three days they came back to me because she felt bad too. I knew that new hope is growing in her and I didn't know what to do. And then, Brokeback mountain happened. I saw the movie for the first time in my life. I found myself in role of Ennis and I started to fall appart inside. After three days of crying I wanted to show the movie to my wife. After seing it she startd to cry and she said she now realises that I need love, just like she needs. That moment was the most important in her decision to live without me. These days we live together in our house, but we will definetly appart soon. One good thing is we didn't fight. She said I can see my son whenever I want. We bought new appartment and for the forst time we will move there together for son not to feel big stress.. after it, slowly I will back to my house where we live now. During these two years of loving my Jack I tried to find someone to replace him. I wanted to see if there is someone else who can fulfill my dreams.. I wanted to see is this love I feel for my Jack "love of my life", or am I just "regulary" in love. I had two partners for one night only and I realised it was big mistake do try to find someone else.I met many guys on internet, but only these two guys were interesting to me. But in both cases, I was dissapointed when I met them for real. Comparing to my Jack, it was like small grain of sand to Maunt Everest and I won't try to find someone else anymore. 7 days I have to wait to see him again. I have to tell him that he is the one for me. I am prepared for any answer.... and if I am not his Ennis I will stay alone... Thank you for reading my story...
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Nax on October 12, 2007, 03:06:15 AM
Ivanhoe,

Welcome to this place which I amongst others hope you will find supportive and feel you amongst friends.  Love is the strangest emotion and you will find your own way to resolving your situation.

Thanks you for sharing with us, many of us have experienced similar feelings due to this film, sometimes it brings the realisation that things have to change and the importance of not being afraid to love a person.  I think in our hearts we all wanted Ennis and Jack to live a happy long life together. The film gives up hope that it's not to late for any of us.

You English is excellent and I hope to chat with you more in the coming weeks.

You are very welcome.

Nax.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Amiennis on October 12, 2007, 03:44:49 AM
Hi Ivanhoe,

As Nax before me, I would also like to welcome you to this wonderful place.
Please do not hesitate to come back and post again, this is a safe and supportive environment, as I have experienced in the past year.
Good luck on your journey, you have already made a few giant steps, for which I applaud you... you are one courageous man.

And welcome to you too, Ayuni :).
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: chapeaugris on October 12, 2007, 03:50:17 AM
Welcome, Ivanhoe. You are one of the reasons this forum will always have a reason to exist. As long as the film is available to watch, people who are going through a similar experience to yours will find their way here. It's wonderful that the film was able to help your wife to understand your feelings and allow you to find a way to remain friends while you bring your marriage to a dignified end. I really sympathise with your sadness about your son, but I hope you will be able to remain close to him. And that your Ennis will return your feelings. But if not, don't resign yourself to being alone forever. That is another lesson to take from Brokeback Mountain.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Ivanhoe on October 12, 2007, 03:51:51 AM
Thank you Nax! And many thanks to this movie and all you guys who found yourselves in it. It is real eye opener. In the end of the movie I waited for miracle to happen. I couldn't believe Jack is dead for real! But in the very end, I started to cry and I couldn't stop my tears. I didn't sleep well three nights and everything I could think of, was this movie. I felt need to watch scenes from it again and again, to see how good time they had together. And those guys, Heath and Jake, did their job amazingly! I simply can't believe they are totally straight! If they are str8, I have to say they are both amazing actors. Those scenes, when they are together are so real in every single second. At least, my experience was just like Jack's and Ennis's. I was Ennis, and my lover was Jack. Every single look, and touch, and kiss looks like real life situation. I am definitely in love with this movie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: bradINblue on October 12, 2007, 04:04:10 AM
Wow Ivanhoe. Thanks for your story. Sounds to me like BBM came to you at the right time. Grab ahold and don't let go. Be true to Jack like Ennis couldn't. Savor this 'once in a life' thing. I'm thinking that you could be one of the lucy ones. It's up to you.

Brad
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: ayuni on October 12, 2007, 04:10:11 AM
Welcome Ivanhoe,Your story blows me away.
While trying to get this movie out of my system (unsuccessfully of course) I thought that I should keep in mind that the story is fictional and Jack and Ennis do not exist. How can I mourn a love that's not even real? Of course, now I know that it is real, for many people.
Thanks for sharing


And welcome to you too, Ayuni :).

thank you very much
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Ivanhoe on October 12, 2007, 04:26:48 AM
Guys, I am glad this forum is so alive! I had desperate need to tell someone about my life situation right now. Now I feel easier surrounded by you, my soulmates. I will put my photo here :)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Brokeback_1 on October 12, 2007, 04:42:30 AM
Ivanhoe, i am so glad you posted your story.

Again, welcome!

And much love. You will be in my thoughts.

Jack
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Nax on October 12, 2007, 04:46:08 AM
Nice to see you Ivanhoe  ;) - it took me six months before I changed my avatar to a picture of myself.

You must be really looking forward to seeing your lover, I do hope that everything works out for you.

Feel free to wander about this forum, I'm sure you will find may topics to interest you and good peole to talk to  ;)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Brokeback_1 on October 12, 2007, 04:49:55 AM
ayuni, welcome to you as well

And ivanhoe, I'm glad we met in that other thread
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: desertrat on October 12, 2007, 04:54:02 AM
welcome, ivanhoe!
this place is a safe sanctuary for many people - i hope it will be for you, too during this exciting and yet unsettling new times for you...
everybody here is very supportive, so don't hesitate to post - we'll be here listening ! ;)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Trigger Hippie on October 12, 2007, 05:12:06 AM
Ivanhoe

Hugs
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Ivanhoe on October 12, 2007, 06:21:34 AM
Thank you all! Guys, many thanks! And ayuni, welcome to this forum!  :)
Guys, I feel like I am at home again, here surrounded by you...
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on October 12, 2007, 06:47:36 AM
Hello Ivanhoe!

*waves*

Welcome to the forum!  I'm so glad you found it, and that you took the time to tell us about your story here.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you and your "Jack".  I hope you find true happiness!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: jack on October 12, 2007, 07:00:43 AM
ivanhoe...

so sorry to hear of your struggles.  i like many can identify with you.  i am of the same generation of the fictional boys, and while the characters may be fictional, the story surely isn't. 

let me encourage you to get hold of our book, by any means possible, as a distillation of our experiences, but failing that, do not fail to read our earliest pages,as our grief and our stories unfolded, there is much hope and many tears to be found therein.

i hope  you will continue to inhabit our alternate universe here and find the unconditional love you need here to carry you through the rough times.

i hope you are aware that we have begun to gather in small and large groups around the world and have found the experience to be gratifying.  there is a largish gather coming together in the UK this summer, and potentially one in scandinavia in the works as well.  i know of no one who regrets attending one.

with great affection,

jack
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: JohnnyX on October 12, 2007, 07:01:34 AM
Hello everybody,
...
I am 33 y.o. gay male who tried to live "normal life". I am married for 5 years, and I have a son. He will be 5 in january. I love him more than myself, of course. But, I've always knew I am gay.
...
 Comparing to my Jack, it was like small grain of sand to Maunt Everest and I won't try to find someone else anymore. 7 days I have to wait to see him again. I have to tell him that he is the one for me. I am prepared for any answer.... and if I am not his Ennis I will stay alone... Thank you for reading my story...

Hello Ivanhoe.
MAN!!! What a very moving story you share with us in here. Thank you for sharing it.

In the past few months we have had several stories in here, from married men (like you, and like me), who have found that when they told their wives of their attraction to other men, their wives with great love have released them.  Your wife must love you a lot, to release you like this. You are a very lucky man, to have a loving wife like that. It is excellent that you can both remain friends, as that is not only good for each of you, but it is wonderful for your son. It is also good that you are both able to arrange separate accommodation in the future.

AND oh! how lucky you are to have found your Jack; and for him to have found you.
When you have been writing to each other for these past two years; and with his regular visits to you, it certainly sounds as if he loves you too.

I hope that THIS meeting will be a very special and happy one for you and your Jack.

Thank you for giving us the gift of your story.
Please come back and tell us more of it -- especially after your Jack's visit.
Best Wishes to you Ivanhoe; for a happy outcome.
JohnnyX.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: conny on October 12, 2007, 07:10:28 AM
welcome ivanhoe,very moving story and your english is very good!!
your wife is the best! and i`m so glad bbm helped the both of you and i really hope you will ben happy with your jack the rest of your life!!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: milomorris on October 12, 2007, 07:10:54 AM
Dobre dan Ivanhoe,

Welcome, and thank you for sharing you story with us. I am particularly touched at how the movie opened up your wife's eyes to your reality. It is a testament to the power of the film and the original story.

Milo
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Ivanhoe on October 12, 2007, 07:33:49 AM
Oh milomorris, you speak a little Serbian?! :) you said "Dobre dan"... it means "Good afternoon" in Serbian for the rest of guys who doesn't understand Serbian. Well, correct is "Dobar dan" but anyway, thank you!! Thank you all! JohnnyX, my Jack should come in December, but after hearing about my opening to my parents, and about decision of my wife to live separately, he decided to come sooner. I feel this time, we will have some important conversation about our future lives...at least I hope. Earlier, he supported me in my decision to live with my wife, and he is been telling me that he understands that my son is the most important to me. But, also he said he could move to Serbia... So, this time, when situation is completely different than before, I will start this important conversation... Pray for me! I love you all!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Ivanhoe on October 12, 2007, 07:39:12 AM
Yes, I didn't tell you I told my parents I am gay. I did it because they blamed me for whole situation.. They couldn't understand complexity of my situation. After my opening, which was very hard for me, they realised that my wife also can't live with me anymore... and they stopped blaming me.. My father also told me:"Son, I am sorry because you had to go through all this alone, all these years. Living in secrets must be very hard.." he said. Thank you daddy!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on October 12, 2007, 08:04:05 AM
Thank you all! Guys, many thanks! And ayuni, welcome to this forum!  :)
Guys, I feel like I am at home again, here surrounded by you...
May I add my welcome?  Ivanhoe, this is home for you, as many of us have learned this last two years.  Thank you for the trust you have placed in us, by sharing your story.  We have pretty broad shoulders.  Don't be afraid to lean on them, on us, as you and your wife, and you and your Jack, work through all that needs to be. 

Many hugs,
Jackie

mod:  Ivanhoe, I just read about your parents.  Bless your father for his response.  You are so fortunate to have such understanding, from him, and from your wife. 
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Ivanhoe on October 12, 2007, 08:11:52 AM
Thank you Jackie..for being here fome me...  :)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on October 12, 2007, 08:15:31 AM
I'm just one of MANY, Ivanhoe,as you have seen from previous responses.    :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Zudos on October 12, 2007, 08:20:00 AM
Wow am just catching up... Great story Ivanhoe... Hope that everything works out for you...
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Tigs on October 12, 2007, 08:34:43 AM
Hugs and warm wishes Ivanhoe, I hope you and your "Jack" make the right decision!

Sal     ;D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Ivanhoe on October 12, 2007, 08:37:20 AM
I'm just one of MANY, Ivanhoe,as you have seen from previous responses.    :-*

Yes, you're right. I found so many supportive people here! I think it's fourth time already I say thank you all!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rei-gyoku on October 12, 2007, 08:51:41 AM
Ivanhoe.

Thank you for telling us your touching personal story.
Although you are struggling, it seems people around you are willing to talk and
try to find what is best for everybody and it is the most precious thing.

I've been here since late May this year.  Still trying to catch up on the
earlier thread.  It is only recently that I exposed a part of my past here.
I found many moving stories from experiences of other members
of the forum and it is helping me in many ways. 

Welcome and I am glad you are here.
Many warm hugs,

Rei-gyoku (Rei-g)
Tokyo, Japan

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Bobby19in1963 on October 12, 2007, 09:04:31 AM
Ivanhoe:

I'm so thankful that you found the Forum.  It was a godsend to me and it will be to you.

I hail from the Phoenix, Arizona area and one of the ladies I work with here, Biljana, is from your country.  She is the sweetest, most wonderful woman, so down to earth and friendly.  So when I saw where you were from and read some of your posts, I had that same good feeling inside.

I started on the Forum February 6, 2006, and it has been a long, hard road for me.  I'm now on the other side and can look back with some understanding of where you are.  However, I believe you have so many things going for you, that your struggles may not be as hard.  You have a loving and supporitve wife, who is amazingly willling to continue to share your son with you, and help you have a better life.

On the other hand, since I've been married 42 years, your wife will have the advantage my wife didn't of finding someone else to love and take care of her, too.  That is so wonderful I just can't tell you how much.  Later you will be so happy that this is the way it is, and that you were able to save her the grief of living a whole life with a gay man, and losing her youth she could have spent with another.

Your mother and father are alive and supportive.  That is a wonderful blessing, too.

I sincerely hope that your Jack is like Our Jack, in that he can't wait for you to be free so that you can have your little 'cow and calf' operation somewhere...looks like he's even willing to come to Serbia!

I know these times are tough, been there.  But, there are rays of sunshine already in your life, and I hope they just burst on you like the morning sun and warm you in the love you have for each other.

We're here through thick and thin.  I've never found a more supportive group in my whole life.  Perhaps there are even some other Serbians that can visit you in person as we go along on this trail.  Once it's under your skin, it kinda sticks!

Love and hugs to you from around the world!

Bobby
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: jstephens9 on October 12, 2007, 09:44:58 AM
Hey Ivanhoe,

I am so glad to check on here and find your wonderful story. It is incredible and thank you for sharing it. I am so glad that you have found your way to your Jack. I also want to say that I respect you for trying to make things work for you and your wife and son and finally realizing that it simply couldn't work anymore. I know the unhappiness and loneliness that you must have had to go through while trying to live that life. I also want to say that I respect "your Jack" for allowing you to figure out when the time had come that you could no longer live that life. He supported and respected your thoughts and feelings, but he never gave up on you. Now that is one of those things that does not come around often. I'm sure he thought often about whether or not you would ever make this decision and at times I'm sure he thought about giving up on it. I would say that others in his life may have told him to move on, but again you were in his mind and his heart. That is not something someone just moves on with. He waited for you. I'm sure you also thought about letting him go at times because you did not know how things would turn out for you. I'm sure at times you felt it was unfair to him. But, the thing is that you never gave up on each other because of that bond you and he developed from the very beginning. Those types of bonds are rare, but those are the types of bonds that will last forever.

Both of you are proving what real love for someone is. I very much respect both of you and I realize what both of you have had to go through to get to this point. I actually am familiar with this same kind of situation; however, there is no need to put that here. I was actually rather surprised to come on here and read your story. It is running parallel with my own life at this same time where a similar situation took a very deep turn during the last couple of weeks.

I am very glad that you are here and as many have already told you this is a place where you can feel very welcome and supported. You definitely have my support and friendship. Anytime you need to talk about anything you can always feel free to talk with me. I want to wish you and your Jack the best luck in the world.

Jack
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on October 12, 2007, 09:51:30 AM
Ivanhoe,

Your story reminds me of how the movie affected us, how it ultimately changed many of us.

Welcome home sir, you have a BIG family here, all wanting to give you sweet hugs,
Rob
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Ivanhoe on October 12, 2007, 10:39:30 AM
Ivanhoe:

I'm so thankful that you found the Forum.  It was a godsend to me and it will be to you.

I hail from the Phoenix, Arizona area and one of the ladies I work with here, Biljana, is from your country.  She is the sweetest, most wonderful woman, so down to earth and friendly.  So when I saw where you were from and read some of your posts, I had that same good feeling inside...

Bobby, thank you for these kind words... And you described it well...It's like the morning sun started to shine on me...Send my hugs and kisses to Biljana! Hugs and kisses for you too!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Ivanhoe on October 12, 2007, 10:41:30 AM
Hey Ivanhoe,

I am so glad to check on here and find your wonderful story. It is incredible and thank you for sharing it. I am so glad that you have found your way to your Jack. I also want to say that I respect you for trying to make things work for you and your wife and son and finally realizing that it simply couldn't work anymore. I know the unhappiness and loneliness that you must have had to go through while trying to live that life. I also want to say that I respect "your Jack" for allowing you to figure out when the time had come that you could no longer live that life. He supported and respected your thoughts and feelings, but he never gave up on you....

Jack, thank you for your support! Many hugs!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Ivanhoe on October 12, 2007, 10:42:41 AM
Ivanhoe,

Your story reminds me of how the movie affected us, how it ultimately changed many of us.

Welcome home sir, you have a BIG family here, all wanting to give you sweet hugs,
Rob

Thank you Rob! Thank you all for being here for me
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: fritzkep on October 12, 2007, 12:37:10 PM
Добро вече, Иванхо, и срећно с твојом Джеком!

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: jack on October 12, 2007, 04:00:48 PM
Добро вече, Иванхо, и срећно с твојом Джеком!


fritz... you are SUCH a show off   :P :P :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Miaisland on October 12, 2007, 08:17:07 PM
This is so new to me, everything about this is new to me. I hope my English is good enough...

Two weeks ago I saw the film again and nothing is the same. I am so glad I found the forum.

I really want to thank you all for sharing your stories here. It helps a lot.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on October 12, 2007, 10:23:11 PM
Welcome, Miaisland....

Nothing will be the same, because you are no longer the same, are you, dear?  Funny how a piece of celluloid can forever change us....if we let it.

I, no we, are here to help you, as and if we can, while you figure things out, just as we are for each other.

Thank you for speaking and again, welcome, welcome home.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Zudos on October 13, 2007, 02:20:17 AM
This is so new to me, everything about this is new to me. I hope my English is good enough...

Two weeks ago I saw the film again and nothing is the same. I am so glad I found the forum.

I really want to thank you all for sharing your stories here. It helps a lot.

Hey Miasland... Welcome to the forum... Glad to have you here... ;D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Amiennis on October 13, 2007, 03:15:32 AM
Hi Miaisland, welcome... don't hesitate to come back, it's safe here... :)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Ivanhoe on October 13, 2007, 03:20:25 AM
Добро вече, Иванхо, и срећно с твојом Джеком!



It means "Good evening Ivanhoe, and good luck with your Jack" for everybody who doesn't understand Serbian. :) Thank you man! It's very interesting to read somehing written in Serbian, by someone who is not Serbian :) Hugs!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Ivanhoe on October 13, 2007, 03:22:28 AM
Welcome Miaisland,
I am also new here, but already feel at home :)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Miaisland on October 13, 2007, 06:17:57 AM
Thank you for welcoming me. I wish I could tell you my story but I'm still so confused about this. The story affects me in so many ways, in different levels. As a 50 year old woman I felt so stupid the first week. Couldn't understand why I needed to see the film over and over again, why I did it secretly, why I cried so much I nearly lost my breathe. Then I found the forum and understood I wasn't alone. I hope I have the courage to open the door to whatever will come out of this... This thing...
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Amiennis on October 13, 2007, 06:34:31 AM
Take your time, Miaisland... Most of us have been in that situation... there will be people here to "guide" you, to stand by you...
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: jstephens9 on October 13, 2007, 08:38:01 AM
Welcome Miaisland. There are so many deep thoughts and ideas in BBM. There is so much symbolism in the movie so it will take you awhile to even begin to understand everything. I know I still haven't figured it all out.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on October 13, 2007, 09:05:03 AM
Thank you for welcoming me. I wish I could tell you my story but I'm still so confused about this. The story affects me in so many ways, in different levels. As a 50 year old woman I felt so stupid the first week. Couldn't understand why I needed to see the film over and over again, why I did it secretly, why I cried so much I nearly lost my breathe. Then I found the forum and understood I wasn't alone. I hope I have the courage to open the door to whatever will come out of this... This thing...

Miasland,

We all bumped into this forum for a reason, most by googling "Brokeback Mountain". I've been here since very early January 2006, have met many people here, many of them in person. I also met my future husband here, 20 days or so after joining the conversation.

We all changed because of our acquaintance with Ennis and Jack. We've all discovered things about ourselves, about our lives, not always pleasant, because of this introduction. Many have made tremendous changes in their lives because of it, some still in the process, some more wondering exactly what it is that this movie has done to them, still in a state of confusion, trying to figure it all out. Some like me, find ourselves in all of those catagories...

Welcome home. There's love here for those willing to accept it, ears willing to hear what you have to say,

Hugs,
Rob
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Brokeback_1 on October 13, 2007, 10:07:52 AM
Hi Miasland!

glad you are here...stick around, you will get it!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: jstephens9 on October 13, 2007, 10:13:33 AM
We all changed because of our acquaintance with Ennis and Jack. We've all discovered things about ourselves, about our lives, not always pleasant, because of this introduction. Many have made tremendous changes in their lives because of it, some still in the process, some more wondering exactly what it is that this movie has done to them, still in a state of confusion, trying to figure it all out. Some like me, find ourselves in all of those catagories...

Rob, I think you provide excellent points here. I can't agree with you more. I would say I also fit into all those categories too.

Jack
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on October 13, 2007, 11:52:41 AM
I wish I could tell you my story but I'm still so confused about this. The story affects me in so many ways, in different levels. As a 50 year old woman I felt so stupid the first week.

 :)

I think we all felt a little weird.....looking around us and asking ourselves 'why did this happen to me????' ........and this started a process of thinking...rethinking....dreaming....wondering

Welcome to the obsession! 
It's nice to have you here
:-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: ayuni on October 13, 2007, 12:26:05 PM
I wish I could tell you my story but I'm still so confused about this. The story affects me in so many ways, in different levels. As a 50 year old woman I felt so stupid the first week.

Take you time and don't feel stupid.

 for me it's been several months of confusion. I have only reached one conclusion (of many to come I hope). I have understood that what pains me is that I will never have a love like J&E had.  I have a 15 year marriage, I love my husband but not "in love" . I will never red-line it for him.... I will never kiss him like Jack kissed Ennis...

Edited to fix quote
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: ayuni on October 13, 2007, 12:54:45 PM
oops It seems like I messed up the quote and text thing... sorry
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: fritzkep on October 13, 2007, 01:00:19 PM
Xвала лепо, Иванхо! And yes, that's about the extent of my Serbian!  :D

And welcome to all the newcomers here! It is a wonderful safe haven for us all.

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Miaisland on October 13, 2007, 03:07:22 PM
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hugs back to you Rob and, Ivanhoe, nice to know I'm not the only new member. I hope everything will turn out fine for you. Makes me happy to understand you are a great father with a good relationship to your own father. A few months ago I lost my father and nothing is the same...

But I am not ready to talk about my father yet. Otherwise I don't know where to start talking about this. Shy and embarrassed as I am.

I talked to my husband about movies in general tonight, movies and actors. Johnny Depp, Al Pacino and this Gyllenhaal guy (he talked about liking Jake in Proof) and what's the name of this other actor in BBM.... He didn't remember Heaths name and I pretended not to either. But maybe we could see BBM together? That's what I suggested when he said he has only seen parts of the film. I hope we will. Soon.

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: BayCityJohn on October 13, 2007, 06:50:06 PM
I was driving back home this afternoon from Santa Rosa, and this strange feeling came over me. It was like Brokeback was just a distant memory from the 60's, and the forum didn't exist.

I haven't felt so alone in a long time.

Even though I don't post much anymore, I still hang out here whenever I'm home.

It's nice to see that there are so many new people still joining up.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: fritzkep on October 13, 2007, 06:52:38 PM
We're still here (((((((((((((((((((JOHN)))))))))))))))))))))))) and are thinking about you, appreciating all that you do for us.

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on October 13, 2007, 06:53:52 PM
Miasland,

I lost my father about 6 weeks after my first viewing of the movie. He died January 25, 2006. A couple days later Nick and I found each other here in the forum, him replying to a post I left about my dad's death.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on October 13, 2007, 06:55:58 PM
I was driving back home this afternoon from Santa Rosa, and this strange feeling came over me. It was like Brokeback was just a distant memory from the 60's, and the forum didn't exist.

I haven't felt so alone in a long time.

Even though I don't post much anymore, I still hang out here whenever I'm home.

It's nice to see that there are so many new people still joining up.

You're never alone, John, we're still here for ya!

 :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: BayCityJohn on October 13, 2007, 07:01:33 PM
Thank you guys.

I think part of what I'm feeling today is a little homesickness for Michigan.

Maybe because it's such a hassle to go shopping around here because of the traffic. It's like everything is crowded around Highway 101, and everyone for 50 miles around wants to go to the same few shopping centers.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: jstephens9 on October 13, 2007, 07:43:25 PM
Hey John, I hate having those kind of feelings. They make you feel weird for quite awhile. When you get homesick for Michigan, just remember how cold it will be there soon.

Jack
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Brokeback_1 on October 14, 2007, 03:18:21 AM
How BB affected me??

This is pretty cool, John Beene and I are going up to Wyoming to photographically Hunt Elk In November. We're letting my wife handle the details---you know, logistical stuff like sleeping bags, starting a fire, keeping bear away from the tent, making that tent look raght. Finding water. You know. Stuff like that.

She says we are both clueless, so she will be thorough enough for us to come back alive. When she says it I hear the capitalised "C" in clueless, which is mortifying, so I will make sure to learn fast. And John Beene is a scientist and from Texas, so it should be easier-- Texans can camp.

Anyway, Katrina/ HappyAtLast  knows what to do and we don't. So she gets the planning.She won't let me take her good camera though, says I will lose it. But the small one takes great digital photos, so JB and I will post them!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Brokeback_1 on October 14, 2007, 03:21:00 AM
Thank you guys.

I think part of what I'm feeling today is a little homesickness for Michigan.

Maybe because it's such a hassle to go shopping around here because of the traffic. It's like everything is crowded around Highway 101, and everyone for 50 miles around wants to go to the same few shopping centers.

Understood John!
I am often homesick for manhattan. You do get over it with time. Call whenever you want, I misplaced your number and besides, am TERRIBLE when it comes to calling people....
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: BayCityJohn on October 14, 2007, 10:42:37 AM
New members will probably want to check out the archived threads. especially this one:

http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: jstephens9 on October 14, 2007, 10:49:33 AM
I am often homesick for manhattan. You do get over it with time. Call whenever you want, I misplaced your number and besides, am TERRIBLE when it comes to calling people....

Jack, I can imagine you do homesick for Manhattan sometimes. I think that would be very understandable since it is a great place. However, Denver is also a great place. It is a lot different for sure, but still nice. One thing I found out during my trips this summer is that there really is no way to compare New York City, Denver and San Francisco. They are all so much different from each other. I know when I got to SF I started trying to draw comparisons between it and NYC. I liked it a whole lot better when I figured out there was not a good way of comparing the two. They are each unique as is Denver and Wyoming as well. I'm sure Michigan is the same. Unfortunately all I got to see of Michigan was a whole lot of lights in Detroit. It was dark there by the time the plane landed. I saw a little more of the Minneapolis area which looks nice, but it is also very cold in the winter.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: BayCityJohn on October 14, 2007, 10:54:42 AM
Thanks jack

I get homesick for Manhattan too sometimes, even though I never lived in the city. I always considered Long Branch to be a suburb and I spent a lot of time in NYC.

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on October 14, 2007, 11:17:20 AM
New members will probably want to check out the archived threads. especially this one:

http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0)

Dang, John, I just found out I hadn't posted there until Jan. 24, 2006.

Up till then I was in "Film and Book Main Discussion" and "Brokeback Fever Support" or some such name...

Thanks for reminding us!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: quithammerin on October 14, 2007, 02:13:02 PM


 for me it's been several months of confusion. I have only reached one conclusion (of many to come I hope). I have understood that what pains me is that I will never have a love like J&E had.  I have a 15 year marriage, I love my husband but not "in love" . I will never red-line it for him.... I will never kiss him like Jack kissed Ennis...



ayuni, many posts over the last year or two show the same kind of confusion in married women who have felt they "will never have a love like J&E had".  This is something I've thought about alot, and here are two of my thoughts:  first, this is a work of fiction, although it has tapped into something deep and real in many of us, J&E may have had their disagreements and their boredom in that cow and calf operation if it had existed....  The second thought is:  some people have been given the possibility of a truly  intimate relationship with someone of the same gender, whose life they can share and understand in a way straight people may never be able to;  we straight people (or bisexuals in heteosexual relationships) can celebrate that, learn from it, be open to the possibility it gives to our lives, be grateful that it is part of reality.

I am also going to send you a PM.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: jack on October 14, 2007, 02:23:52 PM


 for me it's been several months of confusion. I have only reached one conclusion (of many to come I hope). I have understood that what pains me is that I will never have a love like J&E had.  I have a 15 year marriage, I love my husband but not "in love" . I will never red-line it for him.... I will never kiss him like Jack kissed Ennis...



ayuni, many posts over the last year or two show the same kind of confusion in married women who have felt they "will never have a love like J&E had".  This is something I've thought about alot, and here are two of my thoughts:  first, this is a work of fiction, although it has tapped into something deep and real in many of us, J&E may have had their disagreements and their boredom in that cow and calf operation if it had existed....  The second thought is:  some people have been given the possibility of a truly  intimate relationship with someone of the same gender, whose life they can share and understand in a way straight people may never be able to;  we straight people (or bisexuals in heteosexual relationships) can celebrate that, learn from it, be open to the possibility it gives to our lives, be grateful that it is part of reality.

I am also going to send you a PM.
i also recall posts from more than one member who took heed of their situation and put the effort (and often counselling) into their relations and MADE them deep and meaningful.  i hope some of them see this sequence and speak up.  if you can't stand it, fix it.

jack 
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: desertrat on October 14, 2007, 02:33:53 PM
i can only second jack - don't fall into the trap of thinking that this is some kind of relationship you can never have! gay relationships aren't that much different from straight ones - there are passionate ones and less passionate ones everywhere.

you don't have to stand it - you can fix it !  ;)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: john john on October 14, 2007, 02:46:04 PM
If only I could HAVE a gay relationship to see what an actual good gay relationship can be ;D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Tigs on October 14, 2007, 02:48:19 PM
If only I could HAVE a gay relationship to see what an actual good gay relationship can be ;D
Good things come to those who wait!!  Never give up waiting - theres someone for everyone (eventually!!!)

Sal     ;D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: john john on October 14, 2007, 02:54:01 PM
Good things come to those who wait!!  Never give up waiting - theres someone for everyone (eventually!!!)

Sal     ;D

Thanks Sal! I'm hangin'in!!!! ;)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: neatfreak on October 14, 2007, 05:11:15 PM
...for me it's been several months of confusion. I have only reached one conclusion (of many to come I hope). I have understood that what pains me is that I will never have a love like J&E had.  I have a 15 year marriage, I love my husband but not "in love" . I will never red-line it for him.... I will never kiss him like Jack kissed Ennis...
ayuni, many posts over the last year or two show the same kind of confusion in married women who have felt they "will never have a love like J&E had".  This is something I've thought about alot, and here are two of my thoughts:  first, this is a work of fiction, although it has tapped into something deep and real in many of us, J&E may have had their disagreements and their boredom in that cow and calf operation if it had existed....
i also recall posts from more than one member who took heed of their situation and put the effort (and often counselling) into their relations and MADE them deep and meaningful.  i hope some of them see this sequence and speak up.  if you can't stand it, fix it.

I am one of the "oldtimers" who reads more than writes these days. Often I wonder what else I have to offer that I haven't already said, except to say "Welcome!" to the new group of posters. But then Jack spoke to me with this post.

I am one of those whose long-term marriage was lifeless and empty by the time I saw the movie. I didn't know what was happening to me at first, but I came to realize that I could not let my life continue as it was. I could not continue to be an "Ennis" as I had been for so long. I have been shaken out of complacency and into taking action to fix what I could no longer stand.

My heart was broken open by the movie, but it was closed to my husband by many years of hurt, poor communication and neglect. It took months of counseling to help heal the rift between us. It was one of the hardest things I ever did, but I finally let him in; and we have experienced an incredible change in our marriage. It's like a dream come true, except I never dreamed that this could be real for me. You CAN have a love like Jack and Ennis, without the pain. I am living it, finally, in a relationship of over 35 years.

That's easily the best thing to come out of this, but there's more: I have decided to heed the call to enter seminary (not for ordination, but I haven't ruled that out); I have taken on more leadership in my job and recently received a raise; I volunteer at our local AIDS support center to repay a long-overdue debt of gratitude for their help when my brother was dying years ago; and I've made wonderful new friends as a direct result of this forum.

Life is still full of challenges, but I've never been happier. That's what can happen when you decide to fix it. Don't be in too much of a hurry. It takes time for your vision to clear so that you know what steps to take. Let the powerful emotions ebb before you make any decision that could change your life. But if you're reeling from the gut-punch of this story, then something needs to change. This is a wake-up call to fix it. Take advantage of those willing to help, here on this forum and professionals, if necessary.

And be ready for the ride of your life: hang on—it won't be easy—but worth it? You bet.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: BayCityJohn on October 14, 2007, 08:02:03 PM
I'll say goodbye to love
No one ever cared if I should live or die
Time and time again the chance for love has passed me by
And all I know of love is how to live without it
I just can't seem to find it

So I've made my mind up I must live my life alone
And though it's not the easy way
I guess I've always known
I'd say goodbye to love


GOODBYE TO LOVE
Words and Music by Richard Carpenter & John Bettis
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on October 14, 2007, 08:18:26 PM
Congrats, Neatfreak, on all the changes in your relationship with your husband and your life in general!

As for us "oldtimers"... many of our stories were told up towards two years ago, buried deep in these pages. Takes a lot of hard work finding those words we wrote so long ago. I sometimes wonder if a thread pasting some of these old posts might be a good idea, a way of reintroducing those from long ago to those just arriving?

Just a thought!
Rob
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on October 14, 2007, 08:22:23 PM
John,

That was one of my favorite songs by the Carpenters. I had those feelings when I was in my mid-teens, (turned 16 in '75). A sad state to be in when so young.

A sad state to feel no matter a persons age, I guess.

He's out there for you and every other lonely soul, John...

Hugs,
Rob
 :-* :-* :-*

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: michaelflanagansf on October 14, 2007, 09:01:20 PM
Miasland and Ivanhoe - I just wanted to add my welcome to the other people here.

Miasland, the film overwhelmed each of us in very unique and special ways - don't be surprised if it takes you a while to integrate all of this into your life.

And Ivanhoe, although things may look bleak to you I want to let you know that you should be very proud of yourself for the steps you have made.  Congratulations for the progress you've made so far - I hope this all works out well for you.

Michael
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Brokeback_1 on October 14, 2007, 10:48:52 PM
Thanks jack and john and mike--I try not to compare. Sometimes i do however.

What is interesting is this>>if I'm in the country, a rural area,m i am quite content. Why? No expectations.I simply do not expect to find Carnegie Hall in Chugwater or Cheyenne. It isn't a problem, and I have lived in rural areas before, never want to leave!

In other cities--as in CITIES--it can be a problem. I get frustrated at their lack of Culture, their lack of Architecture. The lousy food.
The provinciality.
Even during a short trip to Los Angeles, my first, I was astonished that they roll up the streets after 11 PM. I said you can get a good and at times great meal in New York at 4:30 in the morning and was not believed. I said the obvious--that NY was the capital of the world, that this was why it was attacked, that it is the center--and was told I was being naive, America-centered and provincial because it was no more important then  LA. 'Nobody cares about it being the nerve center because it isn't and if it was removed it would have no impact.'

Denver drove me nuts after a while. And then I calmed down and really looked around. Yes it is provincial but WTF, if I continually compare it to what is basically unique and incomparible I will be a very unhappy person. And there are things here--the symphony is world class. The ballet is pretty good. There are some outstanding literary groups. Wyoming is just a short drive away.
So I got us tickets to the symphony and may splurge on season tickets, it is world class. The concert hall is great.

I needed to stop comparing>>>especially since the airfare is very cheap on jetBlue and if I NEEEEEED to go to NY there aren't any hotel bills roflmao.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Brokeback_1 on October 14, 2007, 10:51:17 PM
Brokeback does remarkable things ayuni. And so does inte3raction with those on the forum. I let change happen, got out of my own way.

Talk with us, we know what you are feeling!

Brokeback affected me. Oh boy did it affect me!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Brokeback_1 on October 14, 2007, 10:56:33 PM
Speaking of the effects of BBM...anybody have any suggestions for our November Elk Hunt? Practical things and practical suggestions, you know. I don't want to be 'completely' clueless with the wife!

Oh I'm thinking of the Big Horns or the Wind Rivers, have to run it by John. The location is pretty tenuous right now. Anybody know where we can find some Elk?
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: conny on October 15, 2007, 12:27:35 AM
If only I could HAVE a gay relationship to see what an actual good gay relationship can be ;D

just give it time,am waiting with you  ;)
or better i`ve let go, just enjoy the life i have and will see if someone comes along one day
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: ayuni on October 15, 2007, 01:59:41 AM
quithammerin, Jack, desertrat, neatfreak, brokeback_1 - thanks for your replies and words of wisdom.

Writing here seems very therapeutic, I must say...

My husband and I completed one year of couples therapy with success. There were many  issues between us that we managed to work our way through. Still, even though we live together happily , sometimes I long for the sparks.

My best friend tells me to find a lover ::)
but I would never jeopardize my marriage and family just for sparks. So I guess we need to create our own. easier said than done.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: desertrat on October 15, 2007, 02:56:09 AM
If only I could HAVE a gay relationship to see what an actual good gay relationship can be ;D

 :-* it will come in time....in a moment you wold never expect it. i'm absolutely sure of that.... :)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Miaisland on October 15, 2007, 04:03:45 AM
Thank you all for welcoming me and for everything posted on the forum. Reading old posts and different threads made me come back and taking the (big) step to register. It's a lot to explore (and for me the language is not easy). Thanks Rob for thinking about communicating here and now with us new members. That made me look for new posts and I visited new threads.

And thank you all, now and earlier, for talking about taking time. Today I changed things, said no to one of those timestealers. I have things to figure out...  Today it's been going on for two weeks. It hurts, but in a good way. Long time since I had any passion in my life.

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Nax on October 15, 2007, 04:07:01 AM
Welcome Miaisland, this is a passionate place, I hope that you enjoy being with us  ;)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: ayuni on October 15, 2007, 04:27:40 AM
Today it's been going on for two weeks. It hurts, but in a good way. Long time since I had any passion in my life.



After months of hurt, I can now start to see positive things. Seems like the hurt was (and is) worth it.
I am also struggling with the language. So therapeutic reading and writing + language improvement? isn't that worth it? ;)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Miaisland on October 15, 2007, 05:09:33 AM
Today it's been going on for two weeks. It hurts, but in a good way. Long time since I had any passion in my life.



After months of hurt, I can now start to see positive things. Seems like the hurt was (and is) worth it.
I am also struggling with the language. So therapeutic reading and writing + language improvement? isn't that worth it? ;)
If any improvement, absolutely. For now it's so hard to find words it feels like being 12 or something... And the going for sparks in marriage makes me feel much older.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Ellen (tellyouwhat) on October 15, 2007, 10:20:14 AM
Thank you guys.

I think part of what I'm feeling today is a little homesickness for Michigan.

Maybe because it's such a hassle to go shopping around here because of the traffic. It's like everything is crowded around Highway 101, and everyone for 50 miles around wants to go to the same few shopping centers.



John you are such a sensitive soul, and relocation IS hard for anyone.  And yes, it's true, there are longer lines in every store in California!  I remember dealing with that in L.A. too.  Although, I miss California for other reasons.

As the other poster above said ^^^ man, San Francisco and Denver are a couple of the greatest places in the U.S.!  Imagine relocating to DALLAS like me!  (whine, snivel) But I know it doesn't matter, home is home, and it takes a while to make a new place "fit."

But -- I also recall, months ago, when you were contemplating a move away from Bay City, to try a new adventure. 

You know, I read everyone's posts here over the past ten or so pages, people re-examining their Brokeback experiences, some new people staggering in wondering what hit them, what is ahead of them.  And these two posts:


Good things need to be invited into your life, crap comes uninvited. It's not only about what you choose to include in your life, it's also about what to exclude. And for me that exclusion is more important, to be able to focus on what counts, what matters, what is true. Like the people and friendships here. This here is human stuff and thus doomed to be not perfect. Some friendships stay forever, some wither and die, that is the nature of human things. But all have touched, all have had meaning, every word, every touch had its time , place and meaning and that'll never get lost.

[snip]

And then you just start walking, knowing that there are people who are walking with you.


It would seem that "end of summer" melancholy is striking many of us this year. Me particularly, as I see nothing but a bleak winter ahead of me, but I see it in many others here, also .

It is a kind of searching, and a hoping. Many here clearly feel isolated and alone again.  But we are not, all that has changed is that many of us have stopped sharing, stopped saying "I feel alone, is this all that there is?".

We shouldn't be afraid to put ourselves out there, to lay ourselves open again. Don't waste time, life is for living. - find a way to do it.



IMO the relationship to BBM, for a Brokie, is like to a lover.  Suddenly we are struck as if by lightning, and we have to completely "grok" (the word from "Stranger in a Strange Land") the whole experience, and it takes a long time-- we recognize it is already a part of us, but we have to find out why.  Like Ivanhoe, it is only through repeated viewings that I came to accept the fact that Jack DOES die.  Only through repeatedly reading the story for Annie's insights that are not easily understood on the screen.  Only through listing all the levels it has affected me -- as a work of art, of language, of culture, of insight and a catalyst for change, the amazing fact that it was written by a woman, an older woman, who did not grow up in Wyoming yet made it as real for us as any place we have ever been, and LOVE, and truth, and authentic living.

Jack knows from AA, and I from Alanon, that you can be profoundly affected by something, but that does not mean you will stop having problems.  In fact for many, life before Brokeback was simply the path of least resistance.

To live authentically is not the path of least resistance.  Life after Brokeback will not be a rose garden, but the best we can hope for is to grow and react to our situations with our most authentic selves.

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Zudos on October 15, 2007, 12:45:15 PM
My saga started back in January 2005, and seems to becoming full circle... Not sure I am ready for the outcome...
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Zudos on October 15, 2007, 12:54:50 PM
It is about time that I wrote some words about the changes that have taken place in my life in the last 2 ½ years.

January 2005. Aged 35 and 11 months

Everything seemed to be ticking along fine. I was happy in my job, and whilst not in a long term relationship enjoying my social life and surrounded by friends.

A shift was occurring within my closest friends. I have always been someone that needs to have a best friend. This goes right back to when I was at junior school. L had been my best friend for a number of years but we were now doing such different things in our lives that we had little left to talk about let alone do together. I have stayed close to many other friends whose lives went in different directions but with L it was different, in that to him our friendship was failing. There was a chance to save it as we were off on a trip to Slovenia with another friend S. at the end of the month. Unfortunately all this trip did was to exentuate the gap and saw each other again only once after.

However, something happened in-between which changed my life.

I had several other close friends but one who was becoming of increasing importance was B. I had only known him a couple of years and used to work with his wife. We were very similar, and always had good times together. As a group we would sometimes go to a gay club called Popstarz, as it played all the best 80’s and onwards cheesy Pop. B had suggested that we go on our own sometime as the girls always wanted to leave early.

So we did the usual, few drinks at mine, Karaoke, and get ready. We were having a good dance at the club, and even dancing with a few girls who thought we were gay. It was so funny to watch their boyfriends smile from afar as we grinded with their girlfriends without incident. We were playing up to the moment and after the girls had gone to get a drink, continued to dance outrageously. Suddenly our faces were inches apart, and B brought his lips to meet mine. WOW – electricity surged through my body. We were both pretty drunk but stood there kissing for a few minutes. I had never experienced anything like this before. My body felt so connected to him, and I was not aware of the fact that we were standing in the middle of a dance floor in a club. All I knew was that I was kissing my best friend, my married best friend and it was one of the most wonderful experiences of my life.

B grabbed my hand and said that we were getting our coats and heading back to mine. We kissed and embraced in the cloakroom queue.

When we stepped outside the club, it was like stepping back into the real world, and everything was back to the way it was before the kiss. We sat in the back of the taxi virtually silent. I could hear myself nervously breathing. Our legs were touching, and I was not sure if what had just happened was real, or whether it was the drink high playing havoc with my imagination.

Once I opened the door to my flat, he was on me again straight away, and then I knew what was going to happen. I was a bit scared but the electricity between us led me on.
Up until the summer we engaged in a very passionate affair, going out together every couple of weeks, and grabbing moments when we could.

Then we were in bed and the ‘Love’ word came up – It came from B and I felt the same so I told him that I loved him too. From that moment on there was a distance between us and we did not really see each other. I kept on trying to make an arrangement but B always said they were busy, and kept reminding me that he had family responsibilities.

Then at the end of November 2005, I heard the end of a TV report about an upcoming film based on the book by Annie Proulx, Brokeback Mountain. My previous experiences with AP had been fantastic. I firstly read that ole Ace in the Hole, and instantly wanted to have a holiday touring hog farms in the Texas Panhandle, and then read The Shipping News, and thought that I needed to live in a remote town in Newfoundland, then watched the film and was sourly disappointed.  So I knew that I had to get this book and read it before the film was released. I remember it was a Saturday afternoon so I rushed out to the bookshop, and was delighted to kind it was a novella. I started reading as soon as I got home and was finished in 1 hour, and could not believe it! The story had stunned me.

I spent the next few days unable to think of anything else. It had hit especially hard because of the situation between B and I which I had discussed with no one. It was our secret, and nobody’s business but ours… But I had not seen B for months, and was this turning into a lost opportunity, and what if he died. I did not know which way turn.

I started googling Brokeback Mountain and found my way to Dave Cullen’s original blog on 4th December. I posted on page 6 using my middle name Berkeley. I only posted a couple of times, but this opened up a friendship with Parenthetical Greg, and we spoke every day for the next month or so. At first I was shocked at the way the thread took off, and was scared to join the full forum. I felt exposed, and that I should be keeping my secrets to myself, so I chose a different and nondescript pseudonym for the forum.

I would check all the time and read, but rarely posted. I got involved in the ‘Were they Gay’ thread, and Little Brits discussion. But once I joined in the diner my circle grew and grew… Everyone was talking about this BBQ in Texas. I so wanted to go, but work was not going well and I had no idea what was going to happen or if I would even have a job. BUT work finished in May, and I decided to take a few months off, go to the BBQ in Texas and do some touring on the way.

I saw B before I went for the first time in months, and it was a group thing so no real time alone, although we found a corner to share a kiss, and promise that we would get together soon.

I travelled first to Washington DC, where I had planned to stay with someone from the forum for a few days, Painted Shoes, aka Jackie. I had met a couple of forum members, LondonPhil and BBMBliss in England and got on well with them, so this seemed a natural progression. Jackie was the absolute darling I thought she would be. On my third day with Jackie we took the subway into the city, and I remember Jackie mentioning something about the nice architecture. To me the train was quite simple, and not particularly architecturally resplendent. When we exited the train Jackie explained that it was a code and she was in fact talking about a good looking guy. I was taken aback, shocked, that someone openly was talking to me about guys… It was one thing on the internet and the protection of the anonymity afforded, but this was face to face. I was not ready. This did not however, detract from the beauty of the trip.

The BBQ was something else, and to see so many people, many of whom I thought of as close friends. I can summarise my feelings no better than the post I made at the time, which is as follows:

The BBQ was the centrepiece, and time that I will never forget spent with such close friends, and time to be a person that I had never been before...

New Experiences for me:

1) I have never been one for kissing anyone on the lips, unless it was someone that I am/was intimate with, but everyone exuded so much love that it felt natural to kiss people constantly, and on the lips too... I felt so close to so many people, and this was an extension of that closeness...

2) Crying almost constantly for three days... From Sunday evening until Wednesday morning... I have nothing against crying but I just do not do it much... Sunday, I had to say goodbye to people and it started to make me sad, and by the evening when I had to say goodbye to some very special people, it nearly broke my heart, and I (the one who hardly ever cries, and especially not in public) could not stop the flow of tears, and in a hotel car park to boot... Thanks to the one (you know who you are), who gave me a big hug in the hotel and cheered me up... I cried about the loss of physically being with these people, through the next day and then onto further losses until Wednesday...

I see my sexuality as a bit of a 'floating voter' i.e. that it depends who comes along... and who I fall for, whether that be male or female... But since I discovered my duplicity, I have not had the chance to be so openly flirty in front of a group of guys... Jackie can testify that when I was in Washington at the beginning of my trip, when she asked whether I found guys attractive, it was difficult for me to have the conversation in person, rather than messing around on the forum... By the time the BBQ was over, I was openly ogling all the sexy men there, and on the streets etc - This was also greatly assisted by spending time with Gnash who is constantly taking interest in most guys, on the streets, in the malls, in the petrol stations, and even wolf whistling at some guys on bicycles...

I do not even know where to start with how much people meant to me at the BBQ...

There were those that I was already close to through the forum, and getting to know these in real life, to me, only deepened what I felt for them, and I love them all dearly...

There were also so many great new surprises... People that I did not know, or had only had brief interaction with on the forum, that are now very dear to me, and warmed my heart...

I am so grateful to you all for becoming good friends.
 
There is one big regret, and that’s one person that I should have got to know better at the BBQ, but did not... through my own lack of vision, but fear not, the wheels are in motion to rectify this situation...

So overall it was a beautiful time in my life, and one that I will never ever forget..


So I returned to England a different person. I started to tell some of my close friends my experiences. It felt fine, and I felt in control.

I started a long distance relationship with someone I met at the BBQ, the sweetest guy  from California. But the distance predominantly proved the undoing of this relationship…

I spent the Christmas 2006, and January 2007, being an utter tart. I slept with quite a few guys. When I was out in the city, I was a snogging machine. One evening snogging 7 different guys! It was great fun.

Then in February I saw B again, for the first time since September when I first got back from my trip.

We had a few drinks, but again were in a group. We had time later to talk, and he was really upset and said that it made him really jealous that I was out meeting other people, and that he could not be what I wanted him to be, but he was split in what he wanted to do and the future that he wanted.

We agreed to get together in March and see how things went. It was a disaster. He was not ready for the changes in me, and the way that I acted relaxed and open in gay bars was too much for him, and we rowed and he would not talk to me for 5 weeks.

Since then things have been better. We are trying to get together every 4-6 weeks at the moment… We deeply care about each other and that is true, and the same electricity is between us when we meet, and it’s difficult when in a group to act ‘normal’ and keep our hands off each other. Is B my Brokeback Mountain? Who knows…? Is there a future for us? Who knows, I doubt it, but at the moment July 2007, I am not ready to give up on him, although being the ‘dirty secret’ hurts at times.


Since writing the above, we had a bit of a blow up, and have not really spoken since August… The entire stress of the situation was too much. But he was being a nasty pig, and said some really hurtful things, so I was grateful for the space.

We have gradually started sending text messages and speaking a couple of times again, and the today he told me that he is in London next week, and would like to meet for lunch.

Later he text me to say ‘Cool. But I want half of my ashes on Brokeback’

I nearly fell over… He has watched the film, and I am not really sure what his true reaction will be. We had a couple of text messages about the acting, and what Ennis said at the end of the film, but I said that we can talk about it when we meet up.

So it looks as though the circle is about to complete. He has seen the film. Has it affected him? Does he want to move to action? Do I want him to move to action? What if things are finally over? Not sure I know how to cope or act.

Just grateful that all my BBM friends are here to share it with me, and whatever the outcome, I am grateful for all this film has brought to me…

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Ellen (tellyouwhat) on October 15, 2007, 01:39:12 PM
OMG this is amazing.


Zudos, if B has watched BBM he may or may not have BBM fever but even if he does, he may only be at the beginning of his Brokeback journey.

In any case, he certainly can't seem to quit you.


Elvan, how fascinating.  Absolutely.  I have missed your posts and your presence here on the forum, and I so enjoyed meeting you at the BBQ.  How wonderful that you have moved forward in your identity, what huge steps for your life.


I am in awe of what has come out of this thread today.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Zudos on October 15, 2007, 01:43:15 PM
Dear Wayne, it's funny - we are on the same train of thoughts tonight...
I was just one miillisecond away from posting a reply to your one-line post just now and also post my re-invention story just as I noticed that you had just posted your long story.
Thankyou so much for taking that courageous step! Thanks for sharing - I am one of those who is a good friend of one of your best friends so we have said many hello:s via her.


Hey Elvan,

WOW - We were almost on the same point of fearfully pushing the button. I wrote most of the above in July and shared it via email with all my close friends on the forum, but only today with the discussions I have had do I feel brave enough to post it...

I am so glad that you too have expressed your innermost feelings, as its of great comfort to me to be sharing this moment with you and not feeling so 'out there' - And all I can say is good for you.... :-*

I hope that our special mutual friend passed on my invite to you for December. It would be great to see you when Jari is in town... or at any time when you visit the UK...   
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on October 15, 2007, 01:44:01 PM
Wow!

I was blown away from what has been posted here!  I never cease to be amazed at what gets posted here!  I'm glad so many people find the courage to post up what they do, and share with us!

Elvan and Wayne, I look forward to your continued participation here, and thanks for taking the time and energy to post such personal updates here!

love ya both!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Zudos on October 15, 2007, 01:44:29 PM
OMG this is amazing.


Zudos, if B has watched BBM he may or may not have BBM fever but even if he does, he may only be at the beginning of his Brokeback journey.

In any case, he certainly can't seem to quit you.


I am in awe of what has come out of this thread today.


Thank you darling. I sit here in tears reading your post... :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Zudos on October 15, 2007, 01:45:24 PM
Wow!

I was blown away from what has been posted here!  I never cease to be amazed at what gets posted here!  I'm glad so many people find the courage to post up what they do, and share with us!

Elvan and Wayne, I look forward to your continued participation here, and thanks for taking the time and energy to post such personal updates here!

love ya both!

Love you too Chucki :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Amiennis on October 15, 2007, 02:00:25 PM
You know how long (and strong) my arms are,

(((((((Wayne)))))))

reaching all the way over the North Sea...
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: desertrat on October 15, 2007, 02:16:20 PM
You know how long (and strong) my arms are,

(((((((Wayne)))))))

reaching all the way over the North Sea...

and the channel.....((((((((WAYNE)))))))  ;)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Zudos on October 15, 2007, 02:16:47 PM
Thanks Marc... :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Zudos on October 15, 2007, 02:18:42 PM
Just to add to it all I have just received some really bad news which I am permitted to share with you all...

Catia (Juliacat) fell down the stairs this morning, broke her nose and has had to have surgery... :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

She is in unbearable pain and awaiting stronger painkillers.

I will provide an update when I can   

 :'( :'( :'( :'( :(
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Amiennis on October 15, 2007, 02:19:49 PM
Just to add to it all I have just received some really bad news which I am permitted to share with you all...

Catia (Juliacat) fell down the stairs this morning, broke her nose and has had to have surgery... :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

She is in unbearable pain and awaiting stronger painkillers.

I will provide an update when I can   

 :'( :'( :'( :'( :(

Oh FUCK >:( >:( >:( :'( :'( :'(
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on October 15, 2007, 02:22:58 PM
Oh daym!

Wayne, perhaps you can put that in the diner as well, so her diner friends there know about it?
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Zudos on October 15, 2007, 02:23:37 PM
Oh daym!

Wayne, perhaps you can put that in the diner as well, so her diner friends there know about it?

Already done... ;D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Zudos on October 15, 2007, 02:34:26 PM
You know how long (and strong) my arms are,

(((((((Wayne)))))))

reaching all the way over the North Sea...

and the channel.....((((((((WAYNE)))))))  ;)

Thanks darling Sunflower... :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: bbmbliss on October 15, 2007, 02:44:01 PM
Wayne and Elvan - wow.  I go out for the evening and come back in to find my two best friends in the forum have both written these amazing posts.

(((((((Wayne))))))) I'm so glad B has finally watched BBM.  I hope you finally get some resolution one way or the other.  You are worth infinitely more than being someone's second best.  :-*  :-*

(((((((Elvan)))))))  I am so proud of you, my bästis.  You really are the bravest person I know.  :-*  :-* 
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: john john on October 15, 2007, 02:53:52 PM
It is about time that I wrote some words about the changes that have taken place in my life in the last 2 ½ years
..............Snip

Thanks for your openness Wayne. Take a deep breath and go slowly for what you REALLY want and need.
I understand how unsure you feel, matters of the heart can be bumpy and scary. 

IMO Leaving one's heart in the hands of another is an act of faith, some people call this love.

I wish you both.

JJ
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: john john on October 15, 2007, 03:05:35 PM
Evian, I feel it was a privilige to have read your post.
I you follow your heart the rest of you will grasp its meaning.
JJ
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Amiennis on October 15, 2007, 03:10:39 PM
Elvan, you seem like a very courageous person to me.
Best of luck on your journey,
Marc
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Zudos on October 15, 2007, 03:14:01 PM
Thanks Sarah and JJ...

I am off to bed now. Emotionally exhausted

 :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Amiennis on October 15, 2007, 03:15:31 PM
Thanks Sarah and JJ...

I am off to bed now. Emotionally exhausted

 :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*

Sleep well, (((Wayne)))... :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Elevation on October 15, 2007, 03:46:42 PM
Zudos,/W, thankyou for your reply, and yes it is indeed an amazing night of pride and courage for us; it really helps me too that you posted tonight!! I sure know what you mean with emotionally exhausted - but at the same time one kind of feels several feet taller...it must be all those worries and fears that has lifted off. :)

(Oh yes I know about December and it sounds like the best way to sign off this year! It would be super to meet then!) Please also say hi and wish Catia well from me.)
 
Thankyou also Sarah, Chuck, jj, tellyouwhat, Amiennis and everyone who has replied, it truly means very much to me to have you still! Many  :-* and good evening (night) hugs.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on October 15, 2007, 04:01:35 PM
http://www.neilyoung.com/prairiewind.html     It's a dream

In the morning when I wake up and listen to the sound
Of the birds outside on the roof
I try to ignore what the paper says
And I try not to read all the news
And I'll hold you if you had a bad dream
And I hope it never comes true
'Cause you and I been through so many things together
And the sun starts climbing the roof

It's a dream
Only a dream
And it's fading now
Fading away
It's only a dream
Just a memory without anywhere to stay

The Red River stills flows through my home town
Rollin' and tumblin' on its way
Swirling around the old bridge pylons
Where a boy fishes the morning away
His bicycle leans on an oak tree
While the cars rumble over his head
An aeroplane leaves a trail in an empty blue sky
And the young birds call out to be fed

It's a dream
Only a dream
And it's fading now
Fading away
It's only a dream
Just a memory without anywhere to stay

An old man walks along on the sidewalk
Sunglasses and an old Stetson hat
The four winds blow the back of his overcoat away
As he stops with the policeman to chat
And a train rolls out of the station
That was really somethin' in its day
Picking up speed on the straight prairie rails
As it carries the passengers away

It's gone
Only a dream
And it's fading now
Fading away
Only a dream
Just a memory without anywhere to stay


I'm just blown away by your posts, Zudos, Elvan....
I dont find the right words to reply....this morning I heard this Neal Young song and I burst out crying....

It made me think of this BBM dream, it's about love, and life, and memory, and hope, the little things in life, the yearning that we feel inside, our pining for someone else

Be yourselves! You help me keep the dream alive
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: neatfreak on October 15, 2007, 04:21:12 PM
Zudos and Elvan, thank you both for sharing your deeply personal moments of self-discovery. We are honored that you felt safe enough here to open your hearts. You are still on your journey—aren't we all?—and I look forward to hearing about the coming chapters as they happen. It is such a wonder to witness the process of you becoming fully the person you were created to be. Let us help you in those difficult moments and cheer you in your successes. Blessings to you both.

Betty/neatfreak
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Trigger Hippie on October 15, 2007, 04:22:03 PM
Dear Wayne, it's funny - we are on the same train of thoughts tonight...
I was just one miillisecond away from posting a reply to your one-line post just now and also post my re-invention story just as I noticed that you had just posted your long story.
Thankyou so much for taking that courageous step! Thanks for sharing - I am one of those who is a good friend of one of your best friends so we have said many hello:s via her.

I so hope that 'B' will be straightforward with you about his intentions and reactions to the film and the future for your relationship. You so deserve somebody who will not have you as his dirty secret at the side!! Now that he has watched the film even, what is he waiting for? You should not have to beg and wait. You haven't come all this far for that.
I hope that when you get together that you'll speak your mind as you did in your post... big hugs!!!!!!!!!!

And now - - - despite fearing that 'everyone' will be busy with Zudos' post and not wanting/having the energy to read mine too, instead I dare the challenge and take the chance, hoping that perhaps someone will 'accidentaly' read it now...

So here is my re-invention story.... I feel terrified, but here goes:
(Also, thankyou tellyouwhat, for your post previously on those other similarly wonderful posts. They encouraged me to post as well!)

Dear fellow BBM friends, first I want to say it's great to be back - it's been quite a while since I posted here - and I'm so grateful that the forum is still going strong, that so many friendly and familiar faces are around!  Of all the threads I have missed out on the past few months, this is prolly one of the most important to catch up with along with get-together photo-threads. :)

Here is a short re-cap of what's going on with me lately. 
The funny thing was that I guess it was sometime around the release of our forum book that I more or less disappeared from the forum. The book is absolutely lovely, of course, and I am so proud to have been a part of it, but I had mixed feelings when I finally laid hands on my very own copy. Where I was at the time, I just couldn't read the heavy, angsty stories - many of which end in hope, but still - so I focuse on the light parts, discovering new wonderful posts(ers) that I've never read before. Then I put the book on a prominent place on a bookshelf, thinking I'd cherish it as a wonderful memory of this special time.
I know I will go back to the book several times, when the time is right.

In all this time I have also kind of avoided watching Brokeback Mountain (and I have barely kept up with what's going on with Jake and Heath), as it would be too painful.

The thing with Brokeback Mountain is that watching it back in early 2006 was the starting signal for the final stage of a gender identity crisis period that been going on, secretly, for years. As male as I have identified as, lived as and been taken for for most of my life, Brokeback Mountain stirred something about being brutally honest to oneself before it's too late ... and my brutal truth was that my closet was not only, or really, about male gay issues - it was rather about the longsince denied fact I was not genetically male, I was female.
For all these years I have denied that for all the reasons you don't want to know about. (Part of the ID confusion thing surely has to do with being adopted, but still.)

So. It took the Texas BBQ gathering to grind down the final layers of denial. After that unforgettable weekend in Brokeback family haven, I realised once and for all that I had reached the end of the tunnel of self-denial. Somehow I gave up running when I noticed that my 'walls' were not even half as 'down' as I thought - they were way up and I was caught alone behind them, because I had not been fully honest to myself or anybody about what the heck is going on.
 
(Of course there is much more to this realisation but I can't go into all the details here unless y'all have a few hours and nothing to do... ;)).

To make that long story really short:
I had a serious post-BBQ depression until I decided there was no way around what I had to do: begin to talk about and deal, once and for all, with this whole gender identity crisis and what it really was about.   
 
Nowadays, much thanks to a great male therapist (who actually watched BBM after I had been going on about it :D), some great doctors (my medical history was re-examined and my hormones are no longer on a constant battle against my genes), and my absolutely wonderful Brokeback family friends, other friends and my family, I have step by step managed to embrace the truth about Elvan: My inner gender ID may be slightly varying as it does for many people especially on this forum, but my social gender has changed back to that of my earliest years: female, and I am very relieved about that.
My male persona was for all those years nothing but a very sad, dysfunctional brickwall against being hurt by things I didn't even fully understand what they were about until last year.
 
This whole procedure has since been extremely tiresome physically and mentally, plus I have had no idea how the heck to break these news to y'all, so that's why it has taken this long to finally get back on in here.... it's quite a leap, you know.

I want to apologise to anybody who feels hurt by me not having said some little word about this earlier....!  (I even suspect that one or two of you guys had a sense of this already at the BBQ...) But I have simply chosen to fight this 'closet monster' offline for the most part, it's nothing personal.

Phew. So now you 'know'.
An with 'you' I mean all you great DC forum people I've ever had the pleasure to befriend /be acquainted with online and IRL: I hope I haven't shocked you too much and that you will still want to be my friends. Thank you for reading this far! 
 
Plus, to all the new forum people I hope to get to know; 


hugs to y'all!
/Elvan
way time to click 'post'!


PS:
As I have a skill for vagueness... Should anybody have a question or so, please feel free to send me a PM!



Elvan

I don't think you were vague, just brave and saying it as it is for you. One of the many highlights in San Antonio was meeting you, as such a wonderful person.

Glad you have your strength, glad you are prepared to use it now.

Hugs and best wishes for you and the path that you have found for yourself now, looking forward to seeing you next year in Oxford.

Nick
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on October 15, 2007, 04:26:59 PM


 for me it's been several months of confusion. I have only reached one conclusion (of many to come I hope). I have understood that what pains me is that I will never have a love like J&E had.  I have a 15 year marriage, I love my husband but not "in love" . I will never red-line it for him.... I will never kiss him like Jack kissed Ennis...



ayuni, many posts over the last year or two show the same kind of confusion in married women who have felt they "will never have a love like J&E had".  This is something I've thought about alot, and here are two of my thoughts:  first, this is a work of fiction, although it has tapped into something deep and real in many of us, J&E may have had their disagreements and their boredom in that cow and calf operation if it had existed....  The second thought is:  some people have been given the possibility of a truly  intimate relationship with someone of the same gender, whose life they can share and understand in a way straight people may never be able to;  we straight people (or bisexuals in heteosexual relationships) can celebrate that, learn from it, be open to the possibility it gives to our lives, be grateful that it is part of reality.

I am also going to send you a PM.
i also recall posts from more than one member who took heed of their situation and put the effort (and often counselling) into their relations and MADE them deep and meaningful.  i hope some of them see this sequence and speak up.  if you can't stand it, fix it.

jack 

yes, Jack you're so right.....
It happened to me...only, the miracle worked its way apparently by itself, effortlessly.
I seemed to have forgotten, after so many years of marriage, what a gift my man is to me.

I had hidden my passion in some secret closet, and filled my life with everyday's chores. Of course the mutual respect and friendship and commitment and the lovemaking stayed with us but....no heart pounding, no blood rushing through the veins.

Then it was as if a veil fell from my eyes. It is amazing how things can change when you look at your partner with that adoring look that you previously felt ashamed of... I realize that I feared to expose myself too much, I didn't want to lose control, with all my self-esteem and pride.

I was afraid of asking to be loved, I was afraid to show my need for intimate affection.
I didn't want to admit I need him so much, I need his love to comfort and make me strong, I need him phisically to make my life worth living

Just a movie did this? yeah, just a movie set the spark.....and this forum

And it is contagious  ;)

Ayuni, give your relationship a chance! Fight for it!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: jack on October 15, 2007, 05:20:52 PM
*weeps*  :'( :'(

if ever you wonder how a person can be grateful to be an alcoholic in recovery, feast your eyes.  how blessed is it to witness miracles, have the vision to see them and the will to be open to their presence in one's own life.  we do it all the time.  to see it here is breathtaking.

thank you all for sharing so openly from your respective hearts. 
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: TwistEnnis on October 15, 2007, 08:19:24 PM
I was lucky.
I'd stopped looking, saw BBM, woke up, bestirred myself, went to see if 'it' was still alive and the love of my life was just...there.

Waiting.


love the way you put this.  nice, very nice.  amazing what can be around one corner, isn't is?
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on October 15, 2007, 11:17:03 PM
Wayne and Elvan - wow.  I go out for the evening and come back in to find my two best friends in the forum have both written these amazing posts.

(((((((Wayne))))))) I'm so glad B has finally watched BBM.  I hope you finally get some resolution one way or the other.  You are worth infinitely more than being someone's second best.  :-*  :-*

(((((((Elvan)))))))  I am so proud of you, my bästis.  You really are the bravest person I know.  :-*  :-* 
I was not quite sure how to respond to the posts by Wayne and Elvan...

I have been priviliged to know of the issues confronting both of these remarkable human beings for some time, and now here they both go....at almost the same time, and with the love and understanding of you, dear Bliss, too..

Wayne, Elvan, I love both of you, each individually and with my whole heart.  That you should choose the same time to post your full stories is, to me, such a blessing, such a gift.  I am proud, beyond measure, beyond, somehow, my own understanding, to have both of you fine persons, in my life.  Thank you, my darlings.

Thank you, both, and each, for sharing such intimate details of your need to understand who and why you are, and how you have become YOU!

No one has ever said that life is easy, that understanding one's self is easy....but....Wayne, my darling.  Elvan, my darling.  Each of you has chosen a path, a necessary path to personal fulfillment....I am proud and humbled to know each of you, to love each of you.  Thank you, each of you, for giving everyone here a moment of understanding how and why you choose...for that is it, isn't it?  YOU CHOOSE!


-Jackie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on October 15, 2007, 11:19:37 PM
I was lucky.
I'd stopped looking, saw BBM, woke up, bestirred myself, went to see if 'it' was still alive and the love of my life was just...there.

Waiting.


love the way you put this.  nice, very nice.  amazing what can be around one corner, isn't is?
Yes, my darling friend, it is.   :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rei-gyoku on October 15, 2007, 11:34:11 PM
You know how long (and strong) my arms are,

(((((((Wayne)))))))

reaching all the way over the North Sea...

and the channel.....((((((((WAYNE)))))))  ;)

and the continent.. ((((((WAYNE))))))  +9 hours :)
Sleep well my dear.

Rei-g

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rei-gyoku on October 15, 2007, 11:41:53 PM
Elvan,
I do not think we have met but I would like to dedicate this to you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OY83IdPJZNw

A Japanese singer songwriter Ataru Nakamura who was brought up as a boy.
A very sad lovesong he wrote when he was about 14.  An unrequited love which
he disguised as a friendship for he knew a confession would only lead to a loss of
his best friend.  Brings me tears everytime. :'(

Rei-g
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: conny on October 16, 2007, 01:06:20 AM
Elvan friend i really am so proud of you.you said the other day you were coming back to the forum,but never thought you would do it that way!! you really are brave to write it all down here (((hugs)))

Wayne proud of you as well!! you asked a while back if you could post it and i said sure do it but whenever you are ready.i guess that was now!! i so hope things with you and B turn out for the best!! ((hugs))) for you as well

will you pass on my love to catia,so sorry to hear about her fall.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Boris on October 16, 2007, 01:44:00 AM
And when you start to believe that the impact has been exhausted... ;)

Thank you. Elvan, min vän. Wayne, brother, all of you. What I believe is that the impact is about becoming visible. To ourselves and to others.

Finnish modernist poet, Helvi Juvonen (she died traigically young as poets tend to do) has a poem called a boulder:

I, a boulder
split off the mother rock
carried far by the ice
abandoned by the ice,
am alone in the forest,
am odd.
Don't mind children playing
around me
Don't mind snow
on my back. But
do not carve me
when I'm standing like a bear and think.
I am not cold, I am warm
when sun shines
you can see me.


This thread is such a gift.... the battles we've gone through, previously invisible and hidden shared.

Ayuni and Dahlia: I do believe that the movie made our needs also visible, our yearning for love and being loved, touched, cherished, appreciated... and if we're lucky our capacity for love becomes known to others.



Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Nax on October 16, 2007, 02:08:39 AM
Wayne and Elvan writing as you did can in itself be a cathartic experience and surely is a step forward in  your own growth as individuals and a step towards realising your own dreams - don't dream it - be it.  I feel privileged to watch you grow, seeing you get stronger.  Wayne you’re deeper than you would have us believe, Elvan we’ve missed you, so nice to have you back with us.

Dahlia and Ayuni thank you for sharing your own experiences and struggles, by posting them you have helped others understand that they are not alone in finding that relationships can be a struggle. you show that with love, patience, hope and above all dialogue situations can change for the better.

A collective hug to all of you.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Zudos on October 16, 2007, 03:13:21 AM
Thank you everyone for support and comments... It really means a lot. It was not easy to open my heart and tell you all what I was really feeling, and on an open internet forum, but whatever the outcome I think this is healing...
 :) 
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Zudos on October 16, 2007, 03:14:13 AM
Wayne you’re deeper than you would have us believe

Damn.... Best get back to talking about Prada then... ;)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rei-gyoku on October 16, 2007, 04:12:50 AM
Wayne you’re deeper than you would have us believe

Damn.... Best get back to talking about Prada then... ;)

Not a Devil in PRADA,

but a "Cherub in a hidden woeful countenance"? :-*

Rei
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Elevation on October 16, 2007, 07:30:50 AM
And when you start to believe that the impact has been exhausted... ;)

Thank you. Elvan, min vän. Wayne, brother, all of you. What I believe is that the impact is about becoming visible. To ourselves and to others.

Finnish modernist poet, Helvi Juvonen (she died traigically young as poets tend to do) has a poem called a boulder:

I, a boulder
split off the mother rock
carried far by the ice
abandoned by the ice,
am alone in the forest,
am odd.
Don't mind children playing
around me
Don't mind snow
on my back. But
do not carve me
when I'm standing like a bear and think.
I am not cold, I am warm
when sun shines
you can see me.


This thread is such a gift.... the battles we've gone through, previously invisible and hidden shared.

Ayuni and Dahlia: I do believe that the movie made our needs also visible, our yearning for love and being loved, touched, cherished, appreciated... and if we're lucky our capacity for love becomes known to others.


... how shall I thank you all for your sweet replies... hopefully we'll all meet in person some day for grouphugs, but just a few words here and now:

Wonderful strong Jari, this poem brought grateful tears to my eyes. I'm so proud and happy for you as well and glad you're my friend. Thankyou!

dahlia, thankyou so much for posting those lyrics to share your BBM impression! neatfreak/Betty and (((jack))), thankyou both for really sweet posts!

And dear Nick (it took me a second or two to figure out it was you :D) for your support and you know meeting you was one of my BBQ highlights as well! Big hugs and seeya in UK!
 
Oh sista Jackie, what can I say - all the hugs in the world your way!!! Thankyou so so much - and yes, wasn't it an amazing coincidence that me and W posted these 'walls down' posts at the same time! :) Printscreen moment!

Conny, dear hon thankyou for your post and steady support all this time! ;) 

Wow, Rei-gyoku, no I don't think we've met but I watched your video link - it was beautiful and very fascinating! What a destiny, thanks for explaining the lyrics.
(Btw, did you know that piano and singing is so 'me'?)
 
Nax, I feel very priviliged to finally have a taste of the joy and relief that all other courageous people in this forum who have walked before me and Zudos through the walls of isolation into the real world and, like you say, quit just dreaming! Thankyou for the welcome back, I believe you had your squirrel avatar last time I was here!  :o ;D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Nax on October 16, 2007, 08:07:10 AM

Nax, I feel very priviliged to finally have a taste of the joy and relief that all other courageous people in this forum who have walked before me and Zudos through the walls of isolation into the real world and, like you say, quit just dreaming! Thankyou for the welcome back, I believe you had your squirrel avatar last time I was here!  :o ;D

...and some of us have grown too while you've been away ;) (http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h95/naxman_photos/BBM/thscrat2.jpg)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Elevation on October 16, 2007, 08:35:14 AM

...and some of us have grown too while you've been away ;) (http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h95/naxman_photos/BBM/thscrat2.jpg)
there you are!  ;D :-* :D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Miaisland on October 16, 2007, 11:48:25 AM
I have really been thinking about you, Zudos and Elvan (wish you all the best), and all the answers. This forum  is something beautiful, such a generous, warm and nice place.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Tigs on October 16, 2007, 11:50:06 AM
Elvan and Wayne

Thank you so much for posting your stories  - very brave of both of you.

Hugs and warm thoughts to you both!!

Sal      ;D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: chapeaugris on October 16, 2007, 12:35:46 PM
Elvan, I never met you and don't remember reading your early posts or anything but your name was always evoked with such affection that I wondered who you were. Thank you for coming back to tell a little bit of your story.

Wayne, I remember in the first six months or so here I thought you were some blond guy.  :D  I met you over a year ago at the London gathering and was sorry I didn't get to talk to you a bit more. Your openness about your experience really touched me and I wish you all the best.

Kim
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Zudos on October 16, 2007, 12:44:50 PM
Wayne, I remember in the first six months or so here I thought you were some blond guy.  :D  I met you over a year ago at the London gathering and was sorry I didn't get to talk to you a bit more. Your openness about your experience really touched me and I wish you all the best.

Kim

Thanks Kim :-* Hahaha - That was my hidden actor avatar! And also my hommage to the fact that Footballers Wives had been cancelled....

Oxford 08... We will make sure we chat properly... :-*   
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Zudos on October 16, 2007, 12:45:39 PM
Miaisland and Sal, thanks so much for your support :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: JohnnyX on October 16, 2007, 08:04:31 PM
Elvan & Zudos/Wayne: thank you both for sharing such intensely personal stories. Elvan, it sounds as if you are at the start of a very long and hard road. Strength to your arm along the way.

On a completely different topic, many of you might be interested in this link, which was posted today on one of the genealogy lists which I belong to.

It is from Alberta, Canada; and I feel SURE that the mural is inspired by BBM. Accordingly, I feel that it is very relevant to how BBM affected people.

BUT be very sure to click on each tile for an enlargement, for there you will see something completely unexpected each time. We were directed first to look into the horse's EYE in this way. Just wonderful. Enjoy. 

    http://www.muralmosaic.com/Cochrane.html
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: conny on October 17, 2007, 12:26:59 AM
wow johnny thanks for the link,this is so beautiful!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Miaisland on October 17, 2007, 01:52:54 AM
Then it was as if a veil fell from my eyes. It is amazing how things can change when you look at your partner with that adoring look that you previously felt ashamed of... I realize that I feared to expose myself too much, I didn't want to lose control, with all my self-esteem and pride.

Can't let go of these words, “that adoring look”. Long ago but I remember.
Hope I still do when I come out of this state of mind. If I do. Today I have my doubts.

I guess I'll keep on reading. When it comes to writing I must admit it – I want to do it in Swedish!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Elevation on October 17, 2007, 05:35:15 AM
It is from Alberta, Canada; and I feel SURE that the mural is inspired by BBM. Accordingly, I feel that it is very relevant to how BBM affected people.

BUT be very sure to click on each tile for an enlargement, for there you will see something completely unexpected each time. We were directed first to look into the horse's EYE in this way. Just wonderful. Enjoy. 

    http://www.muralmosaic.com/Cochrane.html


Johnny X, that mosaic link was amazing. Each of those images are gigantic; talk about positivt collaboration! :) Thanks for that and your sweet comment.

... how shall I thank you all for your sweet replies... hopefully we'll all meet in person some day
Odd as it is to quote oneself, but when I began writing that post I just knew I risked forgetting somebody - so with this post I want to express my  deep gratitude to each and everyone who has since posted kind comments re my and Wayne's posts.... :)
Miaisland, Tigs and chapeaugris and everyone else. :-* :-* :-* Looong time no see, but hopefully next year then!

One person I have not thanked enough here and who deserves a bit of 'public' acknowledgement is a gal who I speak with every other day or so ;D but still, a little word online is also important esp for those who don't know that bbmbliss, Sarah is my dear friend and who I want to thank especially for being there both long before and after I posted that long post - the contents of which  you already knew much about from having shared this bumpy BBM ride with me closer than most people. Huge galore, :-* and *morning booty dance for neighbors* ;D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on October 17, 2007, 06:21:06 AM
One person I have not thanked enough here and who deserves a bit of 'public' acknowledgement is a gal who I speak with every other day or so ;D but still, a little word online is also important esp for those who don't know that bbmbliss, Sarah is my dear friend and who I want to thank especially for being there both long before and after I posted that long post - the contents of which  you already knew much about from having shared this bumpy BBM ride with me closer than most people. Huge galore, :-* and *morning booty dance for neighbors* ;D


"El", I'm so glad you found a friend in Miss Bliss!  She is one of the people who I have very vivid memories of meeting in Texas at the first BBQ, very special and sweet woman!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: bbmbliss on October 18, 2007, 12:43:10 AM
One person I have not thanked enough here and who deserves a bit of 'public' acknowledgement is a gal who I speak with every other day or so ;D but still, a little word online is also important esp for those who don't know that bbmbliss, Sarah is my dear friend and who I want to thank especially for being there both long before and after I posted that long post - the contents of which  you already knew much about from having shared this bumpy BBM ride with me closer than most people. Huge galore, :-* and *morning booty dance for neighbors* ;D

Thanks sweetie  :-*  *dancing right along with you*  ;D

And thanks Chuck too!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Zudos on October 18, 2007, 03:34:43 AM
Ahhhhhh You know you are special Sarah :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: bbmbliss on October 18, 2007, 05:35:47 AM
 :-* to you too Wayne! 
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: gavern on October 18, 2007, 01:33:29 PM
This movie has had an incredible impact on my soul. I can't really use words to describe it. I am a 31 "Gay, Bi or whatever" male and I think that this movie shows, in an incredible way, the power of human love, it shows that we need to remove the labels attached to our physicalness in order to receive and respond to love on an e-motional (energy-motional) level. So much of what we taught to believe, or "told" to believe in our religious upbringing steers too far away from the universal foundation of love that far supersedes any man-made tradition. I believe that it is important to have spiritual grounding, but that in and of itself is left up to the believer and bares no limitations, religion on the other hand, because of its control factor, always bares limitations and as beautifully displayed in this movie, there are no boundaries on the power of human love, and there's something about male to male love that is so deep that it is almost a universe of it's own, It's the kind of love I wish to experience ~ no matter what the cost.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on October 18, 2007, 01:44:44 PM
Welcome to DCF, gavern!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Zudos on October 18, 2007, 01:54:17 PM
Hey Gavern... Wonderful post...

Many of us have made huge changes in our lives because of the impact of BBM...

Look forward to getting to know you more...
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: gavern on October 18, 2007, 01:58:58 PM
Thanks for the warm welcome guys I sure gald forum exists!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: john john on October 18, 2007, 02:20:49 PM
Hi Gavern! Welcome aboard!

Did you first see BBM recently?
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: gavern on October 18, 2007, 03:47:12 PM
Hi Gavern! Welcome aboard!

Did you first see BBM recently?

Yes a week ago, I couldn't even go to work the next day, I'm a musician and I am even composing a song in memeory of that movie, nothing has impacted me so, and I'm a very deep person, so you can just imagine! Thanks for the welcome.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on October 18, 2007, 04:00:45 PM
Hi Gavern  :)

So nice to have you here!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on October 18, 2007, 04:12:04 PM

Yes a week ago, I couldn't even go to work the next day, I'm a musician and I am even composing a song in memeory of that movie, nothing has impacted me so, and I'm a very deep person, so you can just imagine! Thanks for the welcome.
Let me join in the welcome, Gavern.  We here know a thing or two about the impact.   :D  If we can answer any questions, please don't hesitate...

-Jackie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: JohnnyX on October 18, 2007, 06:45:17 PM
This movie has had an incredible impact on my soul. I can't really use words to describe it. I am a 31 "Gay, Bi or whatever" male and I think that this movie shows, in an incredible way, the power of human love, ...
... and as beautifully displayed in this movie, there are no boundaries on the power of human love, and there's something about male to male love that is so deep that it is almost a universe of it's own, It's the kind of love I wish to experience ~ no matter what the cost.


Hello Gavern.
I wish to add another to the warm welcoming messages to you. I hope that you will find a lot of consolation in this lovely place.

If you should have the time, I would recommend reading earlier posts on the ORIGINAL of this thread. There are thousands of them in there, but it was marvellous therapy for me to be able to read them all, when I was at the early stage that you are at, of reeling after the impact of BBM.
Here is a link to page 1 of it: http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0

Gavern, I have edited your post above, to leave in some parts which really speak to me; but also to say that FOR ME, I must disagree with your closing words there. In my own case, I NOW, post BBM, wish for that M2M closeness which you refer to; however as a long-time married man with an extremely loving wife who will not countenance such a thing; I KNOW that for me, I will probably never experience that M2M physicality, because the cost in losing her would indeed be too much for me.  By contrast, it is lovely that you feel so free and so strong that you are able to make that statement. (So please do not misunderstand me, there is NO criticism intended by what I write here; merely my different perspective.)

However, although I don't expect to ever have that M2M physicality now, I am BLESSED in that I briefly had the most beautiful love of a wonderful man in here just over a year ago; and I have the emotional love of two other wonderful men in here who continue to help me through the heart-break; along with several other marvellous correspondents who assist. I am very lucky to have met so many amazing people, and all HERE in this thread.

May your journey on this new road be a happy one for you.
All the best: JohnnyX.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: gavern on October 18, 2007, 09:49:49 PM
Thankyou johnnyX for your words and I am glad that you have some close friends who you can love ~ May I just add that when I said "no matter what the cost" I meant that even if I was eventually killed for loving so, then so be it. At least I would've experienced the depth of love, to me it's way beyonf physicality, to me you only have "the one" that you can share that with, but yes like I mentioned it's way beyond physicallness, It's more like Universal, Galatic, Spiritual, sometimes words aren't enough ~ Music certainly says it better! :)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Nax on October 19, 2007, 02:06:01 AM
A warm welcome Gavern,  glad that you found us, as you can see we are quite a friendly bunch, I look forward to seeing you around the place.  ;)

Nax.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Brokeback_1 on October 19, 2007, 02:32:15 AM
Thank you everyone for support and comments... It really means a lot. It was not easy to open my heart and tell you all what I was really feeling, and on an open internet forum, but whatever the outcome I think this is healing...
 :) 

You know something? You are just sweet. Even pissed off you are cute.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Brokeback_1 on October 19, 2007, 03:25:56 AM
I started musing about BB and the people I've become close with.

I posted hesitatingly at first, about the shock of the film and the effect it had on me. I was numb. Hopefully, the astonishment felt when I got ANSWERED will never be forgotten. I was freaked out, completely.

Jack/Jack and I'mEnnisShe'sJack/Heidi and jim..../Jim actually ANSWERED my post.

I didn't quite know what to do. Should I ignore it? Use caution? Or---god help me roflmao>>>ANSWER BACK?

I answered back.

Very soon, I asked about BBM the short story and four people sent me copies. That opened a new world,  The World Of Proulx.

I made friends. Ok, I figured it's the internet, it doesn't matter much.

THEN I found myself using PM's. They were an interesting experience lol. In every case, it was through a pm that friendships began.

Sometimes a PM from nowhere.

The person who is my oldest Forum friend, the one who first crossed the boundary into reality is The Scandalous Tellyouwhat.  I had read tellyouwhat's posts and liked them. Got curious, started to follow her posts and finally sent a PM saying I loved what was written, liked the style, liked the grace, and only someone with a first class mind could have combined all that with the content.

It was rather daring on my part. For real. I didn't even know tellyouwhat was a SHE until she told me the little symbol by her avatar--and I wasn't sure what that was--meant people were male or female. We both started posting on the same thread, PM'd frequently. Then we exchanged phone numbers.
 
And USED THEM!!!

Started talking.

By then, the Brokeback Effect had led me to re-establish a friendship with my ex. By then it had led to asking my now wife if she might want to try....  By then it had led me into a renewed passion for my home town,  NYC: 1/2  an hour from Times Square by subway, and I had not gone to the City for anything but Christmas sales for at least 3 years. Where I made a new friendship, with a non-forum Brokie who had seen the film, moved to the Rockies, been attacked with a tire iron and had to move back. By then it had instigated a move on my part to Colorado, a move made with intent to marry...


Now, I had met a few Forum members briefly---at a 'virgin' Forum screening in Manhattan, one which  had odd vibes; at a second Forum screening on 42nd street where I met a Famous Italian Sausage who Chucked me. [lol] In Denver, where we had lunch with Cactusgal.  But nothing like what Ellen suggested below.

One day Ellen called and said she had placed a notice in TDS--which she was co-editing by then--about an event up in Casper, Wyoming. Both wanted to go and both of us were very hesitant. We prodded each other and actually went. It was a remarkable weekend and a remarkable cast: Ellen, me,  my now wife; Annie Proulx's Rancher Friends, given seats at our banquet dinner table;  Linda Hasselstrom; Annie Proulx;  Pete Tannen's I love Jack and Ennis Cowboy-Boot Slipcovers; Ennis's Truck;   and half of what became The Denver Crew.

It was there where I really 'met' forum people and have never regretted it.

If someone interests you, if their posts intrigue you, send a PM. You may well find yourself new friends, ones you really love.

Ellen, canstandit, frontranger, lauragigs, johnbeene, WLAguy, EDelMar--they were at my wedding, some flew long distances, some drove. I treasure all of them: it all started with a PM.

Even the BBQ at Estes Park.

Use PM's. You won't regret it. All you need are 5 posts and the system is open to you.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Brokeback_1 on October 19, 2007, 03:42:45 AM
Now i'm really going here!

Who and how many have I physically met? Away from forum gatherings that is, such as the BBQ the denver crew planned up at estespark?

Tellyouwhat, canstandit,ministering angel, royandronnie,wlaguy, wells,  cactusgal, penthesilea [BM}, frontranger{DC-BM}, ifyoucan'tfixit {bm},johnbeene, lauragigs{BM DC},michaelflanagansf, rodneywy,baycityjohn,edelmar,petetannen,jstephens9[bm dcf J/E], cellardweller,  Miss Annie Proulx. Oh LOL can't leave out Jakey Gyllenhaal's daddy out! OR the dazzling desertrat/Martina of Vienna! roflmao

and that's the start, I have to stop! I've taken trips to LA to visit wlaguy, am going to Arizona to meet the nuts there in the desert, have been to Long Island to meet rodney.
If you are new, keep coming back.
Your life may change, and change for the better.

You will like us.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Nax on October 19, 2007, 04:07:46 AM
And as you can see........... some of us are quite enthusiastic ((((((Jack)))))
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on October 19, 2007, 09:11:36 AM


If someone interests you, if their posts intrigue you, send a PM. You may well find yourself new friends, ones you really love.



I sent my first PM on a hot July night 2006, after a lot of musing and writing and re-writing. The title I chose was 'This is a declaration of Love'. I didnt mean I was 'in love' with him.....he was gay (of course LOL!!!!), I meant that I felt him as a brother to me. Then I held my breath and hit 'Send', and went to bed. He wasnt on line, because of the time difference. But he answered quite soon. It changed my life. No exaggeration in saying this. It brought me love, and sorrow, and amusement, thrills, immense heartbreak, new perspectives. I still don't know where this will bring me at the end of this road. I'm gonna fight with teeth and nails to keep the good things that meeting him gave me.

(((hugs)))


PS ....and there are people as well who don't even bother to answer back. >:(....Well this is life too, I suppose! But, guys, can't you be more courageous??? At least say 'Thanks, but Im not interested'! Does it cost you so much??
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Zudos on October 19, 2007, 02:02:33 PM
I had a text from Catia. Her neighbour used floor wax on the landing stairs, and Catia slipped and fell on her face.... The pain is now bearable and she is home. Not sure if her nose will ever be the same as its still too swollen, but she can breath, and in her words nothing else matters...

Poor thing, but at least she is now home. Have been worried desperately about her... 
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Zudos on October 19, 2007, 02:04:00 PM
Thank you everyone for support and comments... It really means a lot. It was not easy to open my heart and tell you all what I was really feeling, and on an open internet forum, but whatever the outcome I think this is healing...
 :) 

You know something? You are just sweet. Even pissed off you are cute.

Thanks Jack... Thats really nice :)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Zudos on October 19, 2007, 02:06:06 PM
And a slight update from me, albeit by text message...

Earlier I was complaining that I had a really bad cold...

The reply from my Mr BBM, was 'Do I need to spread ashes on Brokeback'

I replied 'Maybe'

And he said 'On Standby'



Am I a fool to hold any hope...? These are just text messages, but that is the second time he has mentioned the film un-prompted...   
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Ellen (tellyouwhat) on October 19, 2007, 02:28:23 PM
And a slight update from me, albeit by text message...

Earlier I was complaining that I had a really bad cold...

The reply from my Mr BBM, was 'Do I need to spread ashes on Brokeback'

I replied 'Maybe'

And he said 'On Standby'



Am I a fool to hold any hope...? These are just text messages, but that is the second time he has mentioned the film un-prompted...   


Of course you're not a fool to hope --

anyway you couldn't NOT hope, fool or no.

My wish for you is that you can remember he is new to BBM fever and may have to get through an emotional arc with some of it.

I hope your cold is better.  :)   maybe you should text him back -- "too early for ashes"
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on October 20, 2007, 03:23:30 AM
I was thinking (and thank you Mia  :) for reminding me) to invite Mia herself and Ayuni, who joined us only recently, to read and post in the  'BBM impact on women' thread http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8730.1770 who has been sleeping since July.....

No need to read through all the pages.... :D.....But I know for experience that after the first BBM shock we might feel the need for some W2W talk and thoughts-sharing (and all our dear male friends are welcome too, of course  :-*)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Zudos on October 20, 2007, 04:34:30 AM
maybe you should text him back -- "too early for ashes"

Thanks... This is a great idea... Next time he mentions it, I will definitely text this back.... :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Rei-gyoku on October 20, 2007, 07:59:35 AM
maybe you should text him back -- "too early for ashes"

Thanks... This is a great idea... Next time he mentions it, I will definitely text this back.... :-*

Definitely too early.  You have to ignite, burn, and explode first!
Don't worry we have loads of powder kegs all backed up for ya.   ;) :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Boris on October 20, 2007, 08:44:47 AM
And a slight update from me, albeit by text message...

Earlier I was complaining that I had a really bad cold...

The reply from my Mr BBM, was 'Do I need to spread ashes on Brokeback'

I replied 'Maybe'

And he said 'On Standby'



Am I a fool to hold any hope...? These are just text messages, but that is the second time he has mentioned the film un-prompted...   

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Sweetheart)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: desertrat on October 21, 2007, 03:54:35 AM
And a slight update from me, albeit by text message...

Earlier I was complaining that I had a really bad cold...

The reply from my Mr BBM, was 'Do I need to spread ashes on Brokeback'

I replied 'Maybe'

And he said 'On Standby'



Am I a fool to hold any hope...? These are just text messages, but that is the second time he has mentioned the film un-prompted...   

gosh, i don't know what to say....i would hope so much for you, darling....if i had enough influence on the ways of the world, i guess you know what i would do... ;) :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Brokeback_1 on October 21, 2007, 04:19:48 AM
(http://i121.photobucket.com/albums/o236/jackspictures_2006/moonlight.jpg)

Moonlight

Sept, 2007

Photographer, Adam Jones/edelmar

Who is that cowboy: RodneyWY

Location: Brokenback Mountain, Wyoming

and that is how Brokeback Mountain affected THEM
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on October 21, 2007, 09:41:41 AM
OhMyGod.  This is breathtaking.  Thank you, Jack, for sharing this with us....such a beautiful reminder of the myriad ways we have all been brought low, and been raised up, by this story. 

Thank you, Adam, and Rodney. 
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: BayCityJohn on October 21, 2007, 05:58:21 PM
Beautiful picture.

It could inspire someone to write a song.

Wyoming Moon
by BayCityJohn

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z04_WrTNAZ8 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z04_WrTNAZ8)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on October 21, 2007, 07:12:18 PM
John, you ARE inspired.  The music is gorgeous, honey.  Thank you so much. 
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: BayCityJohn on October 21, 2007, 07:15:11 PM
Thanks Jackie. 

I'm working on a new song entitled "Oatmeal Cookies"
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on October 21, 2007, 07:16:10 PM
Bwahahahahahaahahha!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   :D :D :D :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: neatfreak on October 21, 2007, 08:14:27 PM
John, I love the piece you wrote. Am I the only one who didn't know you had such skill? It is a hypnotically soothing piece, very much in keeping with the placid mood of the silhouette photo. Art creates art. Thanks to all you guys.

Betty/neatfreak
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: BayCityJohn on October 21, 2007, 08:21:10 PM
Thank you Betty

It's just a little ditty I had in my head for awhile. The picture inspired me to actually finish it.

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: neatfreak on October 21, 2007, 08:24:31 PM
BTW, is that Scorpio behind Rodney?
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: BayCityJohn on October 21, 2007, 08:31:26 PM
BTW, is that Scorpio behind Rodney?

I think it is. We're looking south and Scorpio definitely would be there at that time of year.

OMG Rodney is a Scorpio.

This plavce is freaking me out :o
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: conny on October 22, 2007, 12:38:14 AM
wow great pic!!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: desertrat on October 22, 2007, 03:21:33 AM
Beautiful picture.

It could inspire someone to write a song.

Wyoming Moon
by BayCityJohn

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z04_WrTNAZ8 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z04_WrTNAZ8)

john, this song is sooooo beautiful ! i love it. it's a perfect music for a mind journey/ meditation....
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Brokeback_1 on October 22, 2007, 04:13:30 AM
John, that is a great song!
 I first saw that photograph  when Adam asked for an opinion on some of his pictures, and was blown away by it. Told him it had just been stolen for a wallpaper lol. Which it was--it replaced the iconic shot of the boys on the mountain at sunset, after FNIT [I ain't queer..]

With any luck it will win the contest he entered it in because it really is gorgeous.


By the way, Rodney sent me an email last week about that very picture. HE HADN'T THOUGHT ANYONE WOULD LIKE IT BUT HIM!!!

It took my breath away.

Adam takes fine photos, he managed to do a shot of the NYC Skyline that was actually...different. Can you imagine?? And it's the most photographed skyline on earth! Very Beautiful, i want to get both of them blown up, signed and framed lol.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Katiebre on October 23, 2007, 01:55:37 AM

I know many of you have been wondering where I disappeared to.
Well, I'm not so sure myself...

I think there's a number of things going on.

Generally I experienced that the focus in my life swung back from the forum to real life.

I needed to work more again, as I had neglected my work too much and the picture in our bank accounts was pretty bleak. And what can I tell you - I enjoyed working, and the feeling of really getting things done. Lovely!

At the same time there were a number of appointments coming up that badly ate into the time available for anything, and we're way not finished yet. Plus some old worries that had been sleeping came into the foreground again.

All this took time, and also a lot of my mental capacity.

But that's outside stuff and of course there were things happening inside me, too, just I wasn't sure what to make of them.

It seemed that my relationship with the movie and with the forum had somehow cooled off. The movie didn't fascinate me, have a grip on me like it used to, all of a sudden. And as to the forum, my feelings towards it were somewhat schizophrenic: I didn't feel at all ready for all that fun talk that I mostly engaged in, I didn't have that lightness inside me. Yet at the same time I missed you people, and I do often think of you.

It is funny to see the stages that the movie has put me through, so far, and I think I'm still not finished and this is still all part of the effects that it has caused and pushed into action.

In the first days and weeks after seeing BBM this spring I could hardly think of anything else, and I cried a lot. It got me started thinking about myself and my life and I realised something needed to change.
Some things did change, I felt I became more lively, was connected more to my deeper self, I was in a new mental mode and lost 10 kilos of weight. I was here a lot and I really let it out, I had a lot of fun. All this was part of my daily routine, and of course that was disrupted when the school summer holidays started.
Of course they are long over again by now but somehow I feel like I slipped back into things as they were before and I do not feel good with it. So in a way after all these months I'm back to square one.

Thinking about all of this, yesterday I was reminded of a quotation from Hermann Hesse's Demian: "Ich wollte ja nichts als das zu leben versuchen, was von selber aus mir heraus wollte. Warum war das so unendlich schwer?" (Wikiquote has this as the rather heavy "I was only trying to live my life in accordance with the principles which sprang from my own true self. Why was that so very difficult?")

So, to sum it all up, I'm confused...
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: hugsuzie on October 23, 2007, 02:15:10 AM
((((Katie)))))

You know I always feel that there is a price to pay for every post here, and not necessarily much to be gained. And sometimes that price is too high. I hope you get some sort of balance back however that may be.
As for being back to square one... you can never be back to square one. All that change and growth that happened inthe spring and early summer? If you hadn't had that where would you be now? and lets not discount the importance all of the many friends you have made here.

Hang in there girl. :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Katiebre on October 23, 2007, 02:23:11 AM
As for being back to square one... you can never be back to square one. All that change and growth that happened inthe spring and early summer?

Thanks, Sarah!  :-*
You are so right, of course, and I thank you for reminding me, that is something I certainly shouldn't forget.
And I'd say as long as thoughts are happening, and things are fermenting inside, hope's not lost and something will come out of it. Eventually.


If you hadn't had that where would you be now?
I don't know where but I know what: fatter!  ;)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: hugsuzie on October 23, 2007, 02:33:32 AM

If you hadn't had that where would you be now?
I don't know where but I know what: fatter!  ;)

EXACTLY!!! My wieght watchers leader is always keen to point that out to us :D :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Brokeback_1 on October 23, 2007, 02:38:35 AM
Katie, I just thought you were busy dieting with the rest of us over on BBM Lovesick Diet


<<<<<<<<<runs fast from thread



lol
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Katiebre on October 23, 2007, 02:50:30 AM
Katie, I just thought you were busy dieting with the rest of us over on BBM Lovesick Diet


<<<<<<<<<runs fast from thread

No need to run!

I'm still proud of having lost weight. (And need to work more to earn enough money for buying new clothes as the old ones look horrible on me now!) Although I intended to, and there's certainly still room for improvement, I have stopped losing.
I realised that it's a state of mind that enables me to lose weight. I'm still hoping of trying to get back there. At the time, started by BBM killing off my appetite for days, it was more like a fierce decision: I cannot change a lot of things but I can change myself, and this was one way to do it, and a very visible one at that!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: desertrat on October 23, 2007, 04:38:42 AM
((((katie))))

i'm not sure but i think i know what you mean: in the beginning, there were so many emotions that the movie unleashed. after a while, we started processing those emotions. we made some changes in our lifes, we gained more life quality through those changes. and then, one day, we realized that this isn't everything. brokeback doesn't hold all the secrets in life and sometimes, it just isn't enough. there are other places, other people, other experiences we need to make our life full and "round". life isn't like the old quote the star trek fans used: "everything i ever needed in life i learned from star trek." no movie, no story, can give us EVERYTHING we need. it would be pretty sad if it did, because we would be rather one-dimensional beings.

those were the feelings that i had a couple of months ago, i'm not sure it's the same you are feeling but i guess....?

when i felt that way, i started inviting other things (back) into my life. it shortened my forum time, i fell out of the top ten posters list (  ::) :D)....but i felt "round" again. it didn't mean that i left the forum, above all, i have made a couple of really good friends here, and this is the best way of constant communication with them. but the forum doesn't rule my life, and as much as we love the movie, it shouldn't be the center of our life. if it was, we would have learned NOTHING from it. we would stay an ennis - hidden in another trailer, still not open and happily living in the world.  ;)

i hope all the sorrows in your life will be cleared soon...  ;) :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: ayuni on October 23, 2007, 05:31:07 AM

It seemed that my relationship with the movie and with the forum had somehow cooled off. The movie didn't fascinate me, have a grip on me like it used to, all of a sudden.

thanks for Sharing Katiebre, I'm sort of going through the same thing too. I watched BBM with a friend a week ago and for the first time in months I didn't cry. I was quite amazed at myself and even more so because I slept well after, I usually can not sleep for hours after viewing.
It seems that I am at the end of the digestion process. and it feels good to be able to think about other stuff other than BBM
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Katiebre on October 23, 2007, 07:51:40 AM
((((katie))))

i'm not sure but i think i know what you mean: in the beginning, there were so many emotions that the movie unleashed. after a while, we started processing those emotions. we made some changes in our lifes, we gained more life quality through those changes. and then, one day,

... I realised that I had slipped back into the old ways.
That I still need to look out for what's good for me.

But you are absolutely right in saying that BBM isn't everything. After all we are deeply rooted in our real lives here in the real world. This is where things happen. And this is where it counts.

The movie was the big kick to get us rise up and start figuring out what needs to be done (and of course, to eventually do it)!

when i felt that way, i started inviting other things (back) into my life. it shortened my forum time, i fell out of the top ten posters list (  ::) :D)....but i felt "round" again. it didn't mean that i left the forum, above all, i have made a couple of really good friends here, and this is the best way of constant communication with them. but the forum doesn't rule my life, and as much as we love the movie, it shouldn't be the center of our life. if it was, we would have learned NOTHING from it. we would stay an ennis - hidden in another trailer, still not open and happily living in the world.  ;)

Good point.
I never quite achieved a good time management where this forum was concerned.

i hope all the sorrows in your life will be cleared soon...  ;) :-*

Thank you, Martina.
So do I.



And thanks Ayuni!
Yes, after a while real life blends in slowly again. But I am sure that digestion process takes much longer than a few weeks.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dejavu on October 23, 2007, 01:32:45 PM
I have some reaction to all of the above.

My feelings toward the movie BBM have also cooled off considerably.  I still think it's a great movie, I still get emotional (and tearful, but not quite as tearful) every time I watch it, and I still try to live by the lessons it held for me.  But I don't think about BBM the movie every day.

For me, even my Forum experience has moved beyond strictly BBM.  I've been involved in the book and film clubs, reading other books and watching other movies which shared something in common with BBM, yet were different.  Books about other times in the American West.  Books about modern gay characters (fiction or non-fiction).  And keeping up friendships with people from all over, through places like the Diner -- where we talk about everything under the sun.

One benefit of meeting new people has been the chance to go places and do things I never imagined I would.  When did I ever imagine that I'd be walking around Chelsea and Greenwich Village at night ... or sitting on a NYC park bench on a sunny afternoon listening to jazz and watching people walk their dogs ... or touring a Masonic Hall ... or listening to people sing karaoke at a gay bar in DC ... or attempting to keep up with an instructor for line dance and two-step lessons?  Or even going to some really fun restaurants?  That's thanks to all of my new friends and acquaintances, and you can't continue being an Ennis doing those things.

But, for me, the best part of this whole experience has been the friendships that I have developed in-person with various people at the different gatherings.  Some of you are very special to me.  And if there were no such thing as "Brokies" any longer, I would still want you to be in my real life as friends.  The Forum is just a link between us when we can't be together in person.

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on October 23, 2007, 01:59:18 PM
You know I always feel that there is a price to pay for every post here, and not necessarily much to be gained. And sometimes that price is too high. I hope you get some sort of balance back however that may be.

 

Wow! Sounds serious.......I'm not sure I understand what you're meaning  ???
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: BayCityJohn on October 23, 2007, 05:48:58 PM

In the first days and weeks after seeing BBM this spring I could hardly think of anything else, and I cried a lot. It got me started thinking about myself and my life and I realised something needed to change.
Some things did change, I felt I became more lively, was connected more to my deeper self, I was in a new mental mode and lost 10 kilos of weight. I was here a lot and I really let it out, I had a lot of fun. All this was part of my daily routine, and of course that was disrupted when the school summer holidays started.
Of course they are long over again by now but somehow I feel like I slipped back into things as they were before and I do not feel good with it. So in a way after all these months I'm back to square one.

I understand where you're coming from Katie. I've felt the same way many times in the past year.

You can never go back to square one. You're way past that now.

I've been on the forum for a year and a half now, and I can remember how in them earlier days all my friends thought I was losing it, that this was an unhealthy obsession. At the time I didn't know how to explain to them what the forum was really about. I also spent the whole day here most of the time, even if it caused me to get behind at my job.

And while all of that was going on, I never really felt that anything had changed. That is until I lost my job in March of this year. At first I thought I would never have a good job again. The economy in Michigan is really poor. I knew I could maybe get a job in Chicago, but that was 6 hours from home and I dreaded the thought of moving at my age. Of course I talked about all of this on the forum while it was happening, and what got me through it all was the love and support of many people on this forum. I had more than a few people offer me a temporary place to stay while I looked for a new job. I eventually took someone up on her offer, and I will never be able to thank her enough.

So now I'm living and working in a part of the country that I've dreamed about for many years. I just never had the motivation to change my life and really do it.

I still feel the need to make changes. A couple of weeks ago I felt that I was back at square one too. I posted a couple of comments here, and a lot of people picked up on how I was feeling.

I suppose this is a group therapy session for a lot of us. Nothing wrong with that.

Somehow it always comes back to something Jari said way back:

Brokeback provided us with a language of loss that we all could understand. Brokeback hit us directly in the heart and ripped our protective layers to shreds. It left us vulnerable and raw, but also alive. Brokeback cannot give meaning or purpose to our lives, but it has exposed the need, shown us that we may have lost our direction and we need to reclaim it.

Whenever I'm feeling like things aren't right, I either read it again or listen to it:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=k3t7INA8P4o (http://youtube.com/watch?v=k3t7INA8P4o)

Just that fact that you are posting your feelings today Katie means you are trying to reclaim your direction. So you have indeed changed.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: desertrat on October 24, 2007, 02:24:38 AM
You know I always feel that there is a price to pay for every post here, and not necessarily much to be gained. And sometimes that price is too high. I hope you get some sort of balance back however that may be.

 

Wow! Sounds serious.......I'm not sure I understand what you're meaning  ???

not sure whether i'm misinterpreting suzie's post...but it certainly did mean something to me, because i often feel like this as well. by posting about my innermost feelings, i make myself vulnerable to many. not necessarily something i feel comfortable with and i am used to. and second, what's sometimes even worse, i risk being ignored. being ignored sometimes hurts even more than getting a snarky remark from some other poster. it happened to me a couple of times in the past, sometimes maybe because people were too busy and overlooked my post, sometimes they maybe didn't feel like they had anything to contribute or sometimes maybe they didn't even understand what i meant. but whatever the reason, my immediate thoughts were "they don't like me, i'm just annyoing everybody and essentially, nobody is interested in my life and my feelings."

if your not very self-confident, this can actually be very dangerous. you risk having your life depend on some postes somewhere in the world - your whole world breaking down when your post is not answered....not a healthy situation.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on October 24, 2007, 11:19:09 AM
Ok, Martina I get what you mean. And I am answering your post because I'm interested in your life and feelings  ;)............ ;D

...seriously, yes there is truth in what you say. Maybe because this forum spoilt us a bit, there's so much love going around here that we're a little addicted to this, arent we? and if, for once, any little word we say is not warmly welcomed we might feel abandoned? Being ignored hurts. Man, it hurts!!

It can be unhealthy, I agree.

This must not become a refuge from our real daily world.

There's a little melancholy around here these days, or is it just me?

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: neatfreak on October 24, 2007, 11:38:25 AM
Yeah, I've been stung by a total lack of response a few times. I think it has more to do with timing than anything. If the conversation strikes the readers one way and my post takes another tack, there might not be any followup. Or maybe my post is just saying "me too." I always hope to reach someone with a post (don't we all?), but it doesn't always work that way. I would encourage reluctant/hurt posters to continue to try every once in a while; because, generally speaking, I've never seen a more supportive audience than the members of this thread. That's what keeps me coming back here.

Betty
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on October 24, 2007, 11:54:22 AM
I would encourage reluctant/hurt posters to continue to try every once in a while; because, generally speaking, I've never seen a more supportive audience than the members of this thread. That's what keeps me coming back here.


Oh yeah, Betty, I agree. If I have to make a balance, the positive responses I've had surely exceed the silences. A LOT.
Angry remarks,  never. And this IS great.

No doubt the level of kindness and intelligence here is outstanding.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: BayCityJohn on October 24, 2007, 12:08:19 PM

It can be unhealthy, I agree.

This must not become a refuge from our real daily world.

There's a little melancholy around here these days, or is it just me?

I think this forum is a healthy refuge from the 'real' daily world. Not for everyone, but for many of us.

We are all 'real' people here, and I don't see that online communication is any less valid than any other reality.

Yes I feel the melancholy too lately, but I know things will pick up again when something big happens such as the new opera. Stay tuned  :)

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: chapeaugris on October 24, 2007, 12:43:40 PM
I would encourage reluctant/hurt posters to continue to try every once in a while...
And there is no harm in PMing someone whose post was seemingly ignored, if it was one you appreciated but did not have the time or inclination to respond to publicly, to at least say "I hear you."
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Katiebre on October 24, 2007, 02:10:50 PM
You know I always feel that there is a price to pay for every post here, and not necessarily much to be gained. And sometimes that price is too high. I hope you get some sort of balance back however that may be.

 

Wow! Sounds serious.......I'm not sure I understand what you're meaning  ???

It is so interesting how one post can mean so many different things to different people.

What the original comment meant to me (and it was immediately meaningful!) was completely different from what Martina wrote.
And yet, there's so much truth in what Martina is saying (of course, as usual!). I am somewhat reluctant to post personal things, like here, too. Yes, people are so kind and supportive here, but you never know just who else is reading. Or whether you're going to regret some things you wrote, for being too open, later on. But I find that even sitting down and starting to write with the intention of posting it here is a good way to clarify things for myself in my mind.

So, what hugsuzie's comment on paying a price for every post meant to me:
The time that I spend here is time stolen from work, and the consequence is that I either have to make up for it later in the day/evening or I end up earning less. I'm a freelancer and not on a salary: If I don't work I don't earn any money, and my family depends on what I earn.
So in both ways it's a price I have to pay for being and posting here. And I have already paid a big price.
(I feel it's so shallow to keep talking about money but unfortunately it's such a necessity!)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Katiebre on October 24, 2007, 02:17:59 PM
And thanks to John, too, for these kind words.

You can never go back to square one. You're way past that now.
<...>
Just that fact that you are posting your feelings today Katie means you are trying to reclaim your direction. So you have indeed changed.

Thanks for letting me know your experience with being in this forum. It does sound familiar!
And I had to think of your above words today during the day a number of times. You must be right. And realising that things (I) are not the same as they used to be feels so good!


Somehow it always comes back to something Jari said way back:

Brokeback provided us with a language of loss that we all could understand. Brokeback hit us directly in the heart and ripped our protective layers to shreds. It left us vulnerable and raw, but also alive. Brokeback cannot give meaning or purpose to our lives, but it has exposed the need, shown us that we may have lost our direction and we need to reclaim it.

This is so interesting.
When I first came here it was these words that Jackie quoted for me. (I copied them so I have them offline, too!)
Jari is such a genius, he really hit the nail on the head.


And with this I take leave for a couple of days again, since we are going away until Sunday.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Brokeback_1 on October 24, 2007, 03:23:20 PM
while I agree...with the post at any rate!--you also wrote about a bud of mine.


"Jari is a genius"

--thems words ya don't here every day

roflmao you all have GOT to stop setting these up, they are just too easy...
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Flyboy on October 24, 2007, 05:58:23 PM
I'm still working on my post for this thread; it's a 'work in progress'; but I will agree with those who say don't be afraid to PM someone whose posts may not have been acknowledged, or with someone who you feel a connection with, you never know what will happen. I PM'd with a few in the beginning, and still do with some of them. Then I tried PM'ing with others I felt a 'connection' with: no response at all. Which was fine, but since I'm more Ennis than not, I stopped trying to PM others. Then, out-of-the-blue, some of the ones I had hoped to connect with, PM'd me! It was like a dose of Fresh Air, changed my whole outlook here. Life is like that for me now, taking baby steps, but I will NOT go back to the way I was before, don't laugh but I lurked here for 18+ months before joining.......still kicking myself over that............haha....I have met some of the most wonderful and warm souls in here, and so many, many intelligent, articulate and thoughtful posters too......just amazing really.........
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dejavu on October 24, 2007, 06:58:30 PM
Flyboy (Jonn), I am glad you have joined and have decided to reach out to some people.

PMs can be a good way to get to know people, a good way to exchange ideas.  Don't be afraid to try it -- sometimes you do get answers.  I see it happening here a lot.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: jack on October 24, 2007, 07:42:33 PM
Ok, Martina I get what you mean. And I am answering your post because I'm interested in your life and feelings  ;)............ ;D

...seriously, yes there is truth in what you say. Maybe because this forum spoilt us a bit, there's so much love going around here that we're a little addicted to this, arent we? and if, for once, any little word we say is not warmly welcomed we might feel abandoned? Being ignored hurts. Man, it hurts!!

It can be unhealthy, I agree.

here i go again with the AA analogies, but...

in AA much is made over the newcomer's every triumph.  in early days every 30 days of continuous sobriety is acknowledged by the groups, and often medallions are awarded, 30, 60, 90,  after that, some but not all groups, hold off until 6 months, then medallions and speeches and even cakes often accompany the first continuous year of sobriety...

after that, its just once a year, and all the attention goes back to the newcomer.  it is then time for the grown up work.  maybe the same principle applies.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Brokeback_1 on October 24, 2007, 08:07:52 PM
yes.period
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on October 24, 2007, 08:09:41 PM
while I agree...with the post at any rate!--you also wrote about a bud of mine.


"Jari is a genius"

--thems words ya don't here every day

roflmao you all have GOT to stop setting these up, they are just too easy...
Oh, Jack, I posted a comment that I deleted about Jari and this post.  Jari is a "bud" of mine, as well, and would probably be somewhat thrilled and unhappy, in equal measure, about this... ;)  Right, darling?

He just needs to accept that his posts give meaning to many people....you and I included....lol...so here I am, agreeing with you.  Surprise!   :D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on October 25, 2007, 01:33:33 AM

 it is then time for the grown up work. 


OK I got the message. As I already told you, you are and always have been a support for me.
Thank you for reminding me that our little/big self is not the center of the universe.
And that there are people around us who really have a hard time, and need help.

Grazie Jack! Ti voglio bene.

I'm going back to work now  ;)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on October 25, 2007, 01:37:03 AM

We are all 'real' people here, and I don't see that online communication is any less valid than any other reality.




.....mmmh............online is great but.....probably 90% or more of human communication is non-verbal in life...

I would really like to communicate with some of you face-to-face!!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Amiennis on October 25, 2007, 02:12:28 AM

We are all 'real' people here, and I don't see that online communication is any less valid than any other reality.




.....mmmh............online is great but.....probably 90% or more of human communication is non-verbal in life...

I would really like to communicate with some of you face-to-face!!
You can... come to Oxford next year ;)...
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on October 25, 2007, 04:35:43 AM
Who knows?

Not easy for me, technically....and also psicologically I admit......not that I wouldn't like it, I mean!

Thank you  :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: desertrat on October 25, 2007, 04:50:59 AM
dahlia, betty, katie, jack, jack (no, i'm not stuttering  ;D), john, flyboy - thanks for your thoughtful responses! this time i didn't feel ignored at all  ;)

i'm glad there are more people who sometimes feel like me - it makes me feel less weird.  ;D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Trigger Hippie on October 25, 2007, 12:13:35 PM
dahlia, betty, katie, jack, jack (no, i'm not stuttering  ;D), john, flyboy - thanks for your thoughtful responses! this time i didn't feel ignored at all  ;)

i'm glad there are more people who sometimes feel like me - it makes me feel less weird.  ;D

Martina, sweetheart, I have met you, I have read you AND you are not weird - you are just much more interesting and multifaceted than the vast majority of people. As are many here are.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Trigger Hippie on October 25, 2007, 12:14:28 PM
Oh and did I mention Beautiful and Intelligent.....?
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Amiennis on October 25, 2007, 12:48:07 PM
dahlia, betty, katie, jack, jack (no, i'm not stuttering  ;D), john, flyboy - thanks for your thoughtful responses! this time i didn't feel ignored at all  ;)

i'm glad there are more people who sometimes feel like me - it makes me feel less weird.  ;D
Meine liebe, you know I feel like you most of the time ;) ;D :-*...
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: desertrat on October 25, 2007, 12:48:30 PM
Martina, sweetheart, I have met you, I have read you AND you are not weird - you are just much more interesting and multifaceted than the vast majority of people. As are many here are.

multiple personality ?  :D :D :D

nick, thank you.  :-* it means a lot to me. i will never forget that moment when we first met, still remeber your smile - it was like meeting an old friend i had not seen for a while.  ;) hope to meet you again soon....

Oh and did I mention Beautiful and Intelligent.....?

there is only one answer to this....(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h55/desertrat77/smilies/thkisses6vi.gif)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: desertrat on October 25, 2007, 12:51:54 PM
dahlia, betty, katie, jack, jack (no, i'm not stuttering  ;D), john, flyboy - thanks for your thoughtful responses! this time i didn't feel ignored at all  ;)

i'm glad there are more people who sometimes feel like me - it makes me feel less weird.  ;D
Meine liebe, you know I feel like you most of the time ;) ;D :-*...

oh yes - i know i don't need to explain myself to you - and neither do you  ;)

i guess another smooch is needed...(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h55/desertrat77/smilies/thkisses6vi.gif)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Amiennis on October 25, 2007, 12:54:26 PM
dahlia, betty, katie, jack, jack (no, i'm not stuttering  ;D), john, flyboy - thanks for your thoughtful responses! this time i didn't feel ignored at all  ;)

i'm glad there are more people who sometimes feel like me - it makes me feel less weird.  ;D
Meine liebe, you know I feel like you most of the time ;) ;D :-*...

oh yes - i know i don't need to explain myself to you - and neither do you  ;)

i guess another smooch is needed...(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h55/desertrat77/smilies/thkisses6vi.gif)
Never enough smooches from you, never enough... ;)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: desertrat on October 25, 2007, 01:11:32 PM
(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h55/desertrat77/smilies/thkisses6vi.gif)(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h55/desertrat77/smilies/thkisses6vi.gif)(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h55/desertrat77/smilies/thkisses6vi.gif)(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h55/desertrat77/smilies/thkisses6vi.gif)
(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h55/desertrat77/smilies/thkisses6vi.gif)(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h55/desertrat77/smilies/thkisses6vi.gif)(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h55/desertrat77/smilies/thkisses6vi.gif)(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h55/desertrat77/smilies/thkisses6vi.gif)
(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h55/desertrat77/smilies/thkisses6vi.gif)(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h55/desertrat77/smilies/thkisses6vi.gif)(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h55/desertrat77/smilies/thkisses6vi.gif)(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h55/desertrat77/smilies/thkisses6vi.gif)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Amiennis on October 25, 2007, 01:14:13 PM
(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h55/desertrat77/smilies/thkisses6vi.gif)(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h55/desertrat77/smilies/thkisses6vi.gif)(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h55/desertrat77/smilies/thkisses6vi.gif)(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h55/desertrat77/smilies/thkisses6vi.gif)
(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h55/desertrat77/smilies/thkisses6vi.gif)(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h55/desertrat77/smilies/thkisses6vi.gif)(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h55/desertrat77/smilies/thkisses6vi.gif)(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h55/desertrat77/smilies/thkisses6vi.gif)
(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h55/desertrat77/smilies/thkisses6vi.gif)(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h55/desertrat77/smilies/thkisses6vi.gif)(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h55/desertrat77/smilies/thkisses6vi.gif)(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h55/desertrat77/smilies/thkisses6vi.gif)
Oh my... I can't wait 'til December... ;D :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Flyboy on October 25, 2007, 07:32:16 PM

[i'm glad there are more people who sometimes feel like me - it makes me feel less weird.]

Thanks for the 'acknowledgment', and no, you aren't weird; I, for one, enjoy your posts  :D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: BthovenRox on October 25, 2007, 08:32:10 PM
Ive stayed away from Brokeback for quite a while.  After its revelation, many great, explosive things came along, and they all took me to a place I'd never been.  Nine months ago, I passed out at work (I was more physically fit than Id ever been).  Ive had extreme vertigo and fatigue ever since.  I have been and am still seeing doctors.  Started to what Brokeback for the first time in at least that long.  Your prayers (if you're the praying kind), your meditaton (if you are the meditating kind) and your thoughts are all welcome.  Thanks, all!

Michael
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: BayCityJohn on October 25, 2007, 08:42:18 PM
HI Michael, welcome back.

kinda quiet around here sometimes, but still a lot going on.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Dave Cullen on October 25, 2007, 09:08:38 PM
Hello everybody,... Thank you for reading my story...

hey ivan,

lydia emailed me your story a couple days ago, but i was really busy and just read it now. it was a real treat. it made me sad in a way, but mostly hopeful. you seem to have your head on right, and you'll find the right path.

i was so happy you shared your story with us. it was wonderful.

belated welcome to our forum.

d

p.s., i never met anyone from serbia, so that was a treat, too. i met a couple from montenegro over mardi gras in new orleans this spring. that was the closest i got. we don't have enough ethnic diversity in denver. i miss that.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: kublixer on October 26, 2007, 01:51:55 AM
I would encourage reluctant/hurt posters to continue to try every once in a while; because, generally speaking, I've never seen a more supportive audience than the members of this thread. That's what keeps me coming back here.


Oh yeah, Betty, I agree. If I have to make a balance, the positive responses I've had surely exceed the silences. A LOT.
Angry remarks,  never. And this IS great.

No doubt the level of kindness and intelligence here is outstanding.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: kublixer on October 26, 2007, 01:53:09 AM
I would encourage reluctant/hurt posters to continue to try every once in a while; because, generally speaking, I've never seen a more supportive audience than the members of this thread. That's what keeps me coming back here.


Oh yeah, Betty, I agree. If I have to make a balance, the positive responses I've had surely exceed the silences. A LOT.
Angry remarks,  never. And this IS great.

No doubt the level of kindness and intelligence here is outstanding.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on October 26, 2007, 05:17:30 AM
Hey Kublixer!

Welcome to this thread!

.....and I really would like to encourage you to express what you feel.
I am curious, so I looked at your previous posts  ;)

I understand you don't have a lot of  time.....but you are precious to us all  :)

Just don't worry and post.....ask if you need help!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: EDelMar on October 26, 2007, 08:12:14 AM
BTW, is that Scorpio behind Rodney?

Nope, Sagittarius...

:)

  -Adam
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: desertrat on October 26, 2007, 02:01:52 PM

[i'm glad there are more people who sometimes feel like me - it makes me feel less weird.]

Thanks for the 'acknowledgment', and no, you aren't weird; I, for one, enjoy your posts  :D

thank you ! ;) :-*


hey michael - my thoughts are with you, positive energy is on it's way over the ocean... ;)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: neatfreak on October 26, 2007, 02:48:06 PM
BTW, is that Scorpio behind Rodney?
Nope, Sagittarius...
:)
  -Adam

Of course! The teapot! I don't know what I was thinking when I said Scorpio. My bad.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: neatfreak on October 26, 2007, 03:02:45 PM
Hey, kublixer, welcome! I went to your profile and read your previous posts too. You've been around for awhile; I'll bet you've been reading a lot. I know how hard it is to reach out, but you've got something very important in common with every person here. Someone here has probably been where you are now. This is a safe place to speak; please post whenever you can.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on October 26, 2007, 11:05:01 PM
Kublixer....

What Betty said  ^^  This IS a safe place, friend.  Thank you for being here.   :-*

-Jackie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: RodneyWY on October 28, 2007, 02:36:16 PM
BTW, is that Scorpio behind Rodney?
Nope, Sagittarius...
:)
  -Adam

Of course! The teapot! I don't know what I was thinking when I said Scorpio. My bad.

Would it help Betty if I told you that I AM a Scorpio who just happened to pose with Sagittarius?
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on October 28, 2007, 02:41:18 PM
Well, here's an experience I had last night at the wedding.

I was approached by one of my friends, he was also the very first person I came out to.  he was  talking to me about some things, and then he mentioned the fact that I had my shirt unbuttoned down two buttons, and was showing off some chest hair, which is something I had never done before.

from there, the conversation took a more serious turn, and I told him that I kinda felt like that I wasn't spending enough time with "the group", and missing out with them, due to the get togethers with the brokies.  He told me that "the group" had mentioned that, and that they didn't see it that way.

They were all very happy that I have met you (and the bm members), and that I had bonded with people who had some of the same thoughts and issues that I do, that you all could be there for me in ways they couldn't.

He also said that they were watching the changes I've been going through (weight loss, personality, confidence) and were viewng it as my own journey of self growth, and are waiting for the time that I bring that 'special someone' to them to meet.

Went home feeling really good.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: desertrat on October 28, 2007, 05:09:05 PM
...and hopefully really proud of yourself, darling ! because you have every reason to be proud.

i'm glad that your friends are able to be happy for you. they are good friends.  :)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: MaineGirl on October 28, 2007, 06:23:27 PM
Well, here's an experience I had last night at the wedding.

I was approached by one of my friends, he was also the very first person I came out to.  he was  talking to me about some things, and then he mentioned the fact that I had my shirt unbuttoned down two buttons, and was showing off some chest hair, which is something I had never done before.

from there, the conversation took a more serious turn, and I told him that I kinda felt like that I wasn't spending enough time with "the group", and missing out with them, due to the get togethers with the brokies.  He told me that "the group" had mentioned that, and that they didn't see it that way.

They were all very happy that I have met you (and the bm members), and that I had bonded with people who had some of the same thoughts and issues that I do, that you all could be there for me in ways they couldn't.

He also said that they were watching the changes I've been going through (weight loss, personality, confidence) and were viewng it as my own journey of self growth, and are waiting for the time that I bring that 'special someone' to them to meet.

Went home feeling really good.


I am so happy for you!  You are blessed with very good friends and, as Martina said above, hopefully you are feeling very proud of yourself.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: killersmom on October 28, 2007, 08:53:28 PM
Those are the BEST friends, Chuck. The kind who take your interests to heart and love and support you, knowing this growth time is good for you, and support you in it. How lucky you are to have them and they you!  :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: andy/Claude on October 29, 2007, 04:05:59 AM
Sounds like the kinda friends to have Chuck. ~~~~~Go Chuck~~~~~ ;D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: andy/Claude on October 29, 2007, 04:10:20 AM
Would I be right in assuming that apart from a very few, for most of us, Brokies are the only source of support and encouragement when it comes to all things Brokeback. At best, I'm still regarded with mild amusement and no little incredulity by those that know me. If it wasn't for you lot here I'd implode I think. :)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: MaineGirl on October 29, 2007, 04:16:37 AM
Would I be right in assuming that apart from a very few, for most of us, Brokies are the only source of support and encouragement when it comes to all things Brokeback. At best, I'm still regarded with mild amusement and no little incredulity by those that know me. If it wasn't for you lot here I'd implode I think. :)

Hi Andy,  I've not yet posted how Brokeback affected me as I'm still trying to sort it all out, but I would agree with your statement above!  My friends (and family) just shake their heads when I reference the film so I've pretty much stopped doing it.  This is my haven here for all things Brokeback.  It has helped a lot to know that there are thousands of people all over the world who were very deeply affected by this film, that I am not alone.  If it wasn't for the people here I don't know what I would do.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: ayuni on October 29, 2007, 05:40:51 AM
Would I be right in assuming that apart from a very few, for most of us, Brokies are the only source of support and encouragement when it comes to all things Brokeback. At best, I'm still regarded with mild amusement and no little incredulity by those that know me. If it wasn't for you lot here I'd implode I think. :)

Hi Andy,  I've not yet posted how Brokeback affected me as I'm still trying to sort it all out, but I would agree with your statement above!  My friends (and family) just shake their heads when I reference the film so I've pretty much stopped doing it.  This is my haven here for all things Brokeback.  It has helped a lot to know that there are thousands of people all over the world who were very deeply affected by this film, that I am not alone.  If it wasn't for the people here I don't know what I would do.

You (both) took the words right out of my mouth. I would be lost if I thought I was the only one affected by the movie like this...
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: andy/Claude on October 29, 2007, 05:49:56 AM
I'd say we were in the best of company, right? And the level of get togethers and reunions around the world are testament to that!!

Having said that, I did fly with someone recently who was so impressed with my enthusiasm for the movie that she can't wait to see it! I even showed her the publicity booklet with all the stills in and comments. She went through the pages most carefully taking in all the wonderful pics.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: BayCityJohn on October 29, 2007, 10:16:56 AM
Would I be right in assuming that apart from a very few, for most of us, Brokies are the only source of support and encouragement when it comes to all things Brokeback. At best, I'm still regarded with mild amusement and no little incredulity by those that know me. If it wasn't for you lot here I'd implode I think. :)
I haven't experienced that. Most of my friends have been very supportive and interested in what I've been going through.
Of course now that I'm in California, ALL of my friends are Brokies.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Zudos on October 29, 2007, 01:22:49 PM
Would I be right in assuming that apart from a very few, for most of us, Brokies are the only source of support and encouragement when it comes to all things Brokeback. At best, I'm still regarded with mild amusement and no little incredulity by those that know me. If it wasn't for you lot here I'd implode I think. :)

I think in the early days for me, I did not really tell family and friends what I was going through, and needed to get the love, encouragement and support of the new friends that I had made here...

Following my trip to the states last year, I started to get my RL back on track, and that meant telling a lot of friends, not family (that would be too far for me), and I have received such support and love from them, and many think that I am more settled within myself than they have ever seen...

Not one of them has a bad word to say, and will openly talk about the film and its impact on me... 
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on October 29, 2007, 03:13:08 PM
Would I be right in assuming that apart from a very few, for most of us, Brokies are the only source of support and encouragement when it comes to all things Brokeback. At best, I'm still regarded with mild amusement and no little incredulity by those that know me. If it wasn't for you lot here I'd implode I think. :)

I feel the same.
The only exception is my husband, who tries to understand what it means for me (true that I don't leave him any other alternative.......... :D). And for most part, he's at a loss. Not easy to explain verbally to someone who doesn't share the obsession, even if he's the dearest and closest person for me.

Luckily though, facts speak more than words.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: chapeaugris on October 29, 2007, 04:01:18 PM
Would I be right in assuming that apart from a very few, for most of us, Brokies are the only source of support and encouragement when it comes to all things Brokeback. At best, I'm still regarded with mild amusement and no little incredulity by those that know me. If it wasn't for you lot here I'd implode I think. :)

I feel the same.
The only exception is my husband, who tries to understand what it means for me (true that I don't leave him any other alternative.......... :D). And for most part, he's at a loss. Not easy to explain verbally to someone who doesn't share the obsession, even if he's the dearest and closest person for me.
Why it's such a rush to meet a Brokie for the first time and be able to talk about it and not just type. I went through this a second time this summer, in French! I called john_john in Montreal while on a beach in Florida. I was so excited to talk Brokeback in French I could hardly contain myself. I was pacing back and forth in the sand jabbering away oblivious (almost) to the people staring at me.  :D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Oregondoggie on October 29, 2007, 08:30:04 PM
I remember my excitement a couple of months ago in a video store here in Portland when a fellow noticed an "I love Jack and Ennis" button that I had loaned to a friend.  Turned out the guy was a member of our forum: Sagebrush dan.  Gave him the button right away and promised my friend another.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: john john on October 29, 2007, 09:14:04 PM
Yeah Kim! I enjoyed that talk it's the only conversation I've had about BBM with somebody normal !
I've come to see people who didn't get BBM as really weird.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on October 29, 2007, 10:54:50 PM
Yeah Kim! I enjoyed that talk it's the only conversation I've had about BBM with somebody normal !
I've come to see people who didn't get BBM as really weird.
Jean, ain't that the truth?  I feel the same way..No BBM understanding?  Who ARE you?  lol
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: MaineGirl on October 30, 2007, 04:03:36 AM
Yeah Kim! I enjoyed that talk it's the only conversation I've had about BBM with somebody normal !
I've come to see people who didn't get BBM as really weird.
Jean, ain't that the truth?  I feel the same way..No BBM understanding?  Who ARE you?  lol

Frankly, I haven't been able to understand how some people were not affected by this film at all.  It cut so deep into my soul that I can't fathom having walked out of the theater thinking "okay, that was nice.  What shall I see next?" 
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: andy/Claude on October 30, 2007, 05:17:00 AM
Yeah Kim! I enjoyed that talk it's the only conversation I've had about BBM with somebody normal !
I've come to see people who didn't get BBM as really weird.
Jean, ain't that the truth?  I feel the same way..No BBM understanding?  Who ARE you?  lol

So the sooner you lot get your arses over here for UK08 the better!! Right? Let's mingle ;D ;D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on October 30, 2007, 06:27:24 AM
Yeah Kim! I enjoyed that talk it's the only conversation I've had about BBM with somebody normal !
I've come to see people who didn't get BBM as really weird.
Jean, ain't that the truth?  I feel the same way..No BBM understanding?  Who ARE you?  lol

So the sooner you lot get your arses over here for UK08 the better!! Right? Let's mingle ;D ;D

For me it's been,

2 yrs ago "enrolling in an on-line forum? Never!!! Not for me, it's stuff for teenagers/desperate housewives/people looking for Internet dating!"
today "Wow I almost hit 400 posts!!! When am I gonna have the next star???"

1 yr ago "going to a BBM meeting? Nah, already spent too much time online....."
today "UK08!!! Oxford! It'd be great! I need to organize! Really need to convince my husband!!! I need this thing so badly!"

 ;D ;D........OK OK  I am slow.........I know  :-[

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: andy/Claude on October 30, 2007, 03:02:47 PM
Well, Bella Milano ain't so very far away is it Dahlia?  ;D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on October 30, 2007, 03:21:17 PM
No, Andy, not really far....... ;)

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on October 30, 2007, 06:06:02 PM
Go, Dahlia, go Dahlia!  To Oxford.   ;D  I want to meet you in person.  I will vouch for some of the people here.   ;) ::)  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on October 31, 2007, 01:44:34 AM
I want to meet you in person. 

Me too, Jackie darlin'........ :-*

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: tenn_man on October 31, 2007, 09:24:48 AM
Okay…so here I am again….stop rolling your eyes Johnny boy…lol

I’ve come to conclusions …I gotta tell ya that to me this is hard to admit…seeing how it really is….Remember how it was when we were so obsessed?. How we agreed with eagerness..how we had so much in common that we wanted to burst? That excitement that finally someone GOT us ?...”The honeymoon is over”…said a friend…I laughed at first but then I couldn’t help myself from feeling sad…

I knew from the beginning that all this jazz wasn’t going to last forever…I knew that somehow our differences were really going to separate us in the long run. Yes,we still will keep some friends…those we thought were good friends are no longer, some we are still discovering and knowing better. It’s all human nature.

Our obsession was intense…we fought with our spouses,or our lovers over this…my God,I was almost divorced! What a crazy trip that was…but I learned. I learned how to cope with the death of my first born child…the death of my best friend in high school…all my experiences in my life growing up in the inner city of Chicago…The “hood”..my life’s experiences with death and violence…how I survived….you were all there for me ..you all listened….you shared a part of yourself I thought I would never see. We fought, you made me cry…you even hurt my feelings..but in the end,you put your arm around me and said..”Nellie,this is what it is…DEAL with it.” I can’t tell you how I would have been if 2 years ago didn’t happen…if this movie didn’t grab us in the end and rubbed our noses in it. I can’t thank you hard enough for the memories I had in Texas,in Chicago, or Bay City . I just wanted to bring that up one more time.

I’ve come to realize now that this is what it is. We’ve come familiar with each other now,we see each other’s bad habits…our obsession is now gone. We are different people now…changed forever by this wonderful movie, Brokeback Mountain. Two fictional souls who brought thousands of people together in this thread and elsewhere. Who would of thought?  Dave Cullen can now use this thread any way he chooses…write a book,become famous….who knows..good luck to you . Hope you get a chance to be in Oprah…lol

I don’t want people sugar coating things…”Oh honey,we still have each other,not just as often as we’d like”….uh huh…only time will tell. I’m not going to cross that bridge until I get there.  Love is a force of nature?...can’t force friendship…can’t pretend that some of us really are not compatible…we can still be civil with one another…we can still laugh…hold on to it’s memory for as long as you’d like.

I really,really hope that this thread, this Forum, helped many of you out there. Not just the silly threads..the TV one’s…Jake’s eyelashes for Pete’s sake…but the serious one’s. I don’t see many newbies out there any more…I still see lots of “guests” though…and let’s be honest folks….many of us Forum members log on as “guests” only because some days we just don’t want to be discovered…I’m guilty of that as well. Call it anti social…I don’t care. We’re just here for what it is….

I ‘m finally in terms with the real reality of it all…and I’m okay with it now…I’m really okay and it still feels good.


Nellie






Nellie and everyone, I would like to say that there ARE still others out there who are newbies like myself and being affected by this movie for the first time, even this late. I have been reading these forums and it has helped me considerably to deal with what I first called my Brokeback Attacks !! I am not the type of person to post on forums much, but just felt it necessary to do so now.  I finally saw the movie for the first time in Sept. 2007 ( almost two months ago) and saw it again about 3 weeks ago.  I did not expect the reaction I had, and after reading about 1&1/2 years worth of posts from others, I realized that I was not crazy and that my obsession was not unique to me.  I have been crying off and on since seeing the movie, and after I got the short story and read it about 12 days ago, I find myself quoting lines from the book to myself and tearing up.  I  wish there was a thread for newbies who are just now going through what everyone else seems to have already experienced. If anyone knows of such a thread, please let me know.   Anyway, I just wanted to say that it is still new for ME and I am glad that I had a place to come and read posts by others who had been through it.  And Nellie,"this thing..." (forum thread),  even though it may not last forever, it is still helping people out there!!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Zudos on October 31, 2007, 09:26:27 AM
Hey Tenn_Man, welcome to the forum... And glad that you are finding some solace in your reading...

Look forward to sharing experiences with you :)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: neatfreak on October 31, 2007, 09:41:03 AM
Welcome, tenn_man! This is the place for newbies, too; there just aren't that many anymore. We love that you feel free to speak about that whirlwind of emotions you're going through. No, you're not crazy, and there are literally thousands of people here to agree!

That punch in the gut is a wake-up call that something, somewhere, isn't sitting right with you. It may take a long time for you to figure out what it is and what you're going to do about it. You've seen that journey chronicled here for so many. It has meant so many different things to different people. Jump in, ask questions, and try not to feel self-conscious in doing so. Every one of us here has felt that "noob" shyness. You're safe here, my friend, and perhaps someone here has gone through similar things in his own life.

If you'd like to discuss this more with fellow newbies, you can PM them after you have left five posts anywhere on the forum. Jump in!

Betty/neatfreak
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Miaisland on October 31, 2007, 10:48:50 AM
Nellie and everyone, I would like to say that there ARE still others out there who are newbies like myself and being affected by this movie for the first time, even this late. I have been reading these forums and it has helped me considerably to deal with what I first called my Brokeback Attacks !! I am not the type of person to post on forums much, but just felt it necessary to do so now.  I finally saw the movie for the first time in Sept. 2007 ( almost two months ago) and saw it again about 3 weeks ago.  I did not expect the reaction I had, and after reading about 1&1/2 years worth of posts from others, I realized that I was not crazy and that my obsession was not unique to me.  I have been crying off and on since seeing the movie, and after I got the short story and read it about 12 days ago, I find myself quoting lines from the book to myself and tearing up.  I  wish there was a thread for newbies who are just now going through what everyone else seems to have already experienced. If anyone knows of such a thread, please let me know.   Anyway, I just wanted to say that it is still new for ME and I am glad that I had a place to come and read posts by others who had been through it.  And Nellie,"this thing..." (forum thread),  even though it may not last forever, it is still helping people out there!!

Hi Tenn_man!
I am also new at this. Saw the film September 30 and keep on seeing it. And this forum really helps. While figuring things out. I wouldn't mind a thread to talk to other newbees. Welcome Tenn_man

Edited to fix quote
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: tenn_man on October 31, 2007, 11:16:46 AM
thanks to everyone for the welcome!  I am glad that I am not the only "noob" here.  I do have questions and comments, and it is comforting that there are people to share this with.  I agree that somehow this movie has reached out to a certain group of people that have watched it, somewhat like the people in the movie, "close encounters" who were somehow "chosen" and had visions of the peak which they recreated in drawings and even mashed potatoes, and were mysteriously drawn to that mountain, where of course the mother ship was waiting.   I feel like one of those people.  I know everyone here feels somehow connected to this movie in ways that others do not understand.  It is as if things inside of me were pulled up to the surface.  I still don't know exactly why I have been so obsessed with this movie, but I hope to sort it out as time goes by.  I have been left with one huge change already.  I realize how important it is to share my feelings with those I love.  I think I had forgotten that simple truth some time ago. 
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: BayCityJohn on October 31, 2007, 11:38:42 AM
Welcome tenn_man  :)

This is the place for newbies to post about how they have been affected.

For general questions, we do have a topic entitled "New Members Ask - Experienced Members Respond"

http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=4687.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=4687.0)

In fact, we have a whole section "Using the Board: Site Map, FAQs, Rules "

http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?board=5.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?board=5.0)

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on October 31, 2007, 01:22:22 PM
Nellie and everyone, I would like to say that there ARE still others out there who are newbies like myself and being affected by this movie for the first time, even this late. I have been reading these forums and it has helped me considerably to deal with what I first called my Brokeback Attacks !! I am not the type of person to post on forums much, but just felt it necessary to do so now.  I finally saw the movie for the first time in Sept. 2007 ( almost two months ago) and saw it again about 3 weeks ago.  I did not expect the reaction I had, and after reading about 1&1/2 years worth of posts from others, I realized that I was not crazy and that my obsession was not unique to me.  I have been crying off and on since seeing the movie, and after I got the short story and read it about 12 days ago, I find myself quoting lines from the book to myself and tearing up.  I  wish there was a thread for newbies who are just now going through what everyone else seems to have already experienced. If anyone knows of such a thread, please let me know.   Anyway, I just wanted to say that it is still new for ME and I am glad that I had a place to come and read posts by others who had been through it.  And Nellie,"this thing..." (forum thread),  even though it may not last forever, it is still helping people out there!!

Oh gosh,

I said I wasn't going to post in here anymore and YOU made me..lol...well,actually because you only have 2 posts and need 5 in order to recieve PM's...damn,hurry up and post some more so I can PM you instead...;)

I'm so glad you decided to speak up,finally...I know what it's like ...I know that for the next few months after you saw this movie for the first time ,you will question your sanity.. your friends and family will think you're nuts...I know you will quote many things from this movie in your day to day life...forever...Oh God,what else?....oh yeah..I know you will have a hard time sleeping some days and that your appetite won't be the same,you even lose some weight...and I know that you want some questions answered like,yesterday? ...Ohhhh,so many things are going to pass thru your head...so many why's and what took me so long...

As crazy as this Forum can get...this thread here is the right one for you....go into the Meet Your Neighbors threads too...  here...http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8797.0

I really hope you stick around and get a chance to get to know a few people in here...and I want to thank you for your reply to my post hon....it really means a lot.

Nellie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: BayCityJohn on October 31, 2007, 02:20:37 PM
Nellie: I Told ya so!I Told ya so!I Told ya so! ;D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: jack on October 31, 2007, 02:34:49 PM
Nellie: I Told ya so!I Told ya so!I Told ya so! ;D
what he said^^   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on October 31, 2007, 02:39:07 PM
Nellie: I Told ya so!I Told ya so!I Told ya so! ;D
what he said^^   ;D ;D ;D


shut up!!  bwahahahah
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on October 31, 2007, 09:03:21 PM
Tenn_man, welcome.  This is a very good place to get your questions answered, honey.  And to find friends who understand what you are going through, as you figure it out for yourself. 

It is also a place where, as Nellie and her banter with BCJohn and Jack proves, we can laugh together, enjoy each other's company, be silly, and CARE about each other.

 :-*

Jackie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: john john on October 31, 2007, 09:05:47 PM
Hi Tenn_man!

After two years I still choke up on Ennis' final "Jack I swear..." or Jack's "It could be this way. Just like this, always" so I guess I'm done for.
This story lingers and moves in waves inside me so I guess I'm an eternal newbie.

It hasn't changed my life, it has made it clearer.

You are most welcome here.

JJ
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Flyboy on October 31, 2007, 09:19:39 PM
May I add my Welcome Tenn Man, I promise you won't be sorry you joined the Forum, there are many, many warm, thoughtful, intelligent and understanding foks here. You will see. They are good listeners too. I like John/John, see things much clearer now, thanks to this wonderful story. Stay with us! FB
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: tenn_man on October 31, 2007, 10:00:51 PM
Thank you all so much.  I think I can learn and grow here, and hopefully come through this with the help of folks like you all!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Flyboy on October 31, 2007, 10:34:45 PM
Tenn_man, sent you a PM today. Stay with us!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: ayuni on November 01, 2007, 01:04:35 AM
Welcome Tenn_man.
I'm also a newbie.
reading the posts and personal stories here has tremendously helped  me deal with my feelings and reaction to BBM
Stay with us. I highly reccommend it.
Ayuni
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on November 01, 2007, 05:17:52 AM
Tenn_Man, welcome to the DaveCullen forum!  It's great to have you here!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: tenn_man on November 01, 2007, 06:41:49 PM
Thanks again and just want to say I enjoy being part of the group. 
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Tigs on November 01, 2007, 11:07:36 PM
Welcome Tenn_Man!  Good to see you

Sal     ;D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Bobby19in1963 on November 02, 2007, 10:13:45 AM
Hi! All:

I'd like to introduce you to my new friend, Dwayne.  Treat him as nice as you treated me.

Bobby
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Bobby19in1963 on November 02, 2007, 10:22:35 AM
Sheesh!  Not that you wouldn't!  I was writing that so he could see kind of how it works.  He's going through a bit of a crisis at the present and I can find no better place to direct him than here...where all of my wonderful friends are.  This Forum has meant the world to me, and maybe Dwayne will find a 'home' here also.

Bobby
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Dwayne on November 02, 2007, 12:08:15 PM
Hi,
I am a gay closeted male.  I am married with 2 children and 2 grandchildren.  I came out to my wife after the birth of our 1st son some 35 years ago.  She has been supportive, but I have been extremely depressed and unable to sleep more than 2-3 hours per night.  The Dr. put me on Wellbutrin and Ambien CR which has helped but I don't want to be on chemicals forever.  At the suggestion of my therapist, I came out to 3 of my best long time friends this summer and it has been very positive.
Any suggestions
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Tigs on November 02, 2007, 12:23:59 PM
Hi,
I am a gay closeted male.  I am married with 2 children and 2 grandchildren.  I came out to my wife after the birth of our 1st son some 35 years ago.  She has been supportive, but I have been extremely depressed and unable to sleep more than 2-3 hours per night.  The Dr. put me on Wellbutrin and Ambien CR which has helped but I don't want to be on chemicals forever.  At the suggestion of my therapist, I came out to 3 of my best long time friends this summer and it has been very positive.
Any suggestions
Hi Dwayne,

As a straight(ish) female I have no suggestions but wish to extend a very warm welcome to you.

I'm positive some of the men will be able to produce some suggestions tho!!

Sal     ;D

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on November 02, 2007, 12:33:04 PM
Hello Dwayne!  Welcome to Dave Cullen Forum!  Glad you are here!  You're among friends!


Here are two threads you may want to look at. 

This one is called  "Why Am I Gay?  Nature?  Nuture?"

http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=309.0


And this one is called  "Coming Out, How & Why"


http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=638.0
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dejavu on November 02, 2007, 02:54:04 PM
Hi Dwayne,

As a straight(ish) female I have no suggestions but wish to extend a very warm welcome to you.

I'm positive some of the men will be able to produce some suggestions tho!!

Sal     ;D



Hi, Dwayne.  I echo what Sal says ... welcome to our Forum. 

I found your post because Bobby mentioned on another thread that he had introduced a friend of his here.  You are lucky to have Bobby for a friend.

There are many men here who have been in similar situations, and I'm sure they'll be able to give you some more specific advice.  The best thing I can tell you, as a woman, concerns your feelings of depression.  It's just my opinion that a lot of that can be caused by keeping things bottled up inside you, and that as you begin to come out to more people and get positive reactions from them, you will start to feel better.

I hope so!  And please come back here often.  Also, those threads that Chuck mentioned may be very helpful for you.

Debbie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on November 02, 2007, 03:23:54 PM
Hi,
I am a gay closeted male.  I am married with 2 children and 2 grandchildren.  I came out to my wife after the birth of our 1st son some 35 years ago.  She has been supportive, but I have been extremely depressed and unable to sleep more than 2-3 hours per night.  The Dr. put me on Wellbutrin and Ambien CR which has helped but I don't want to be on chemicals forever.  At the suggestion of my therapist, I came out to 3 of my best long time friends this summer and it has been very positive.
Any suggestions

Hi Dwayne, and welcome.
I, too, am a straight female so....I'm not venturing to give you specific suggestions.
Yet, I think that coming here and simply speaking can be of great help......I am looking forward to listening to you, and so are many others!  :)

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: MaineGirl on November 02, 2007, 04:14:47 PM
Hi,
I am a gay closeted male.  I am married with 2 children and 2 grandchildren.  I came out to my wife after the birth of our 1st son some 35 years ago.  She has been supportive, but I have been extremely depressed and unable to sleep more than 2-3 hours per night.  The Dr. put me on Wellbutrin and Ambien CR which has helped but I don't want to be on chemicals forever.  At the suggestion of my therapist, I came out to 3 of my best long time friends this summer and it has been very positive.
Any suggestions

Welcome to the forum, Dwayne!  You are definitely among friends here!  


Hi Dwayne, and welcome.
I, too, am a straight female so....I'm not venturing to give you specific suggestions.
Yet, I think that coming here and simply speaking can be of great help......I am looking forward to listening to you, and so are many others!  :)


What she said.............
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on November 02, 2007, 04:41:50 PM
Hi,
I am a gay closeted male.  I am married with 2 children and 2 grandchildren.  I came out to my wife after the birth of our 1st son some 35 years ago.  She has been supportive, but I have been extremely depressed and unable to sleep more than 2-3 hours per night.  The Dr. put me on Wellbutrin and Ambien CR which has helped but I don't want to be on chemicals forever.  At the suggestion of my therapist, I came out to 3 of my best long time friends this summer and it has been very positive.
Any suggestions
Dearest Dwayne,

Bobby told me about you last night, by phone...I cannot tell you how happy I am that you came here.  Keep talking, dear one...to your friends, to us, to your wife...that has been the key for me, to not be afraid to state any issues...if you are not ready, then lurk here, read what has been said in the past by others who are in your boat...it CAN be done, dear one...Bobby is an example of someone who did what was necessary to his soul.  After you make 5 posts, you can accept and send pm's (private messages) and don't be surprised if you are sent a few from those who want to help.  I hold you in my arms, my friend, til you can stand by yourself....we are here for you. 

((((((((((Dwayne))))))))))

-Jackie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Lance on November 02, 2007, 04:58:15 PM
Hello, Dwayne. Do your children know? I ask because you only mentioned your wife and 3 of your friends as knowing.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Dwayne on November 02, 2007, 05:34:11 PM
No,
My children do not know and I want to tell them.  Are there any ways that soften the blow?
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: fritzkep on November 02, 2007, 05:46:01 PM
Hey Dwayne! I'd like to add my welcome to you here too. I'm afraid I can't offer any advice about informing kids about what has been hidden. It's good though that you want for them to know. Has Bobby made any suggestions to you in the way he informed his children? At least with children of their own they are old enough to be more prepared for acceptance than younger ones.

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: victorio on November 02, 2007, 07:37:37 PM
Welcome Dwayne,

My partner was married as a young man and has kids. In my limited experience your kids will handle this better than you might think.  If you have been a good and loving father that tips the balance way over to your side.  If your wife is supportive of you that tips it even more your way.  In fact, you and your wife might want to consider setting the kids down and telling them jointly, to show solidarity.  Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner might be a good time.  They'll remember that one.... :D

I'm optimistic for you.  I also believe that huge secrets like this can play hell with your psyche, depression being the least of what can go wrong.  Revealing who you are can be very freeing.   And I wish you the absolute best.

Monte
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Dwayne on November 02, 2007, 09:26:49 PM
Thanks Monte,

It is great to hear of a "personal experience", even though it was your partner. 

We live in a small town and I am quite well-known.  It will be the subject of a lot of gossip when it all comes out.  I will probably have to leave town which means separating myself from my kids and grandkids.  This makes it a bit harder--actually a lot harder.

Dwayne
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on November 02, 2007, 09:29:36 PM
Thanks Monte,

It is great to hear of a "personal experience", even though it was your partner. 

We live in a small town and I am quite well-known.  It will be the subject of a lot of gossip when it all comes out.  I will probably have to leave town which means separating myself from my kids and grandkids.  This makes it a bit harder--actually a lot harder.

Dwayne


Oh yeah, the whole gossip subject.

Unfortunately, you will find that where ever you go.  I'm not going to ask your kids' ages, that's too personal, but is it possible they already know?  I only say that because when I came out to my friends, they all said they knew, and had been waiting for me to admit it.  My mother told me she knew from the time I was 8 years old.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: JohnnyX on November 03, 2007, 06:51:36 AM
Hi,
I am a gay closeted male.  I am married with 2 children and 2 grandchildren.  I came out to my wife after the birth of our 1st son some 35 years ago.  She has been supportive, but I have been extremely depressed and unable to sleep more than 2-3 hours per night.  The Dr. put me on Wellbutrin and Ambien CR which has helped but I don't want to be on chemicals forever.  At the suggestion of my therapist, I came out to 3 of my best long time friends this summer and it has been very positive.
Any suggestions

Hello Dwayne. First I wish to add my "voice" to that of others on here, in welcoming you to this thread. You have already seen what caring people there are here, to TRY to help as best they can, each in his / her own individual way.

Next: my situation has a few similarities with yours, but not quite the same.
I have been married for over 30 years, still loving my wife deeply, deeply, deeply. We have two adult children who have happily -- for them and us -- flown the coop years ago. No grandchildren here yet, but hopefully that is because we taught them to try to live their own lives to the full first.  I saw BBM almost 2 years ago now. Was gut-punched by it. Months later went searching on the internet to see if anyone else was affected this way, and found this Forum. Read here for many months, and eventually got up the nerve to post. But always preserving my anonymity. And still do, except in the rarest of cases.  On this thread I met and very quickly fell in love with another man, who is married in Massachussetts to another man. We soon had cyber-sex, and soon for the first time in my life, I realised that I wanted him physically. So I came here as a straight man, and soon discovered that I was bi. BUT a pecualiarity of my situation is that right through and ever since all of this I loved and love my wife deeply, and have no wish to part from her, ever (during our joint lifetime). BUT I also wanted HIM physically -- as well as emotionally.
My wife gave me an ultimatum that if I ever pursued that part of me, our marriage was over; and I do not want it to be over. He also loves his husband and had no wish to end his marriage; and neither of us was considering our ever shacking up together; so we were at an impasse. It all ended when he decided that he could not handle loving two men at the same time, and our agreement had always been that if our marriages were threatened, then our relationship would have to end. And so it did. To my continual regret.

Now, none of this is likely to help you at all in your situation, which I expect is vastly different. However, I just thought that you might take some comfort from reading about someone else in a vaguely similar situation. There are other bi-guys on here who have posted their stories, but we are few and far between; and not necessarily supported by many of our gay brethren in here, I am sad to say.

I send you my wishes for a successful working through of the many issues involved, and just hope that you will encounter love and acceptance by your family as you do so.

In my own case, our younger son (20) took it in his stride when I told him, and recounted to me some of his own teenage homosexual exploits around home, which I had had no inking of; although now looking back, I do recall that he was close friends for a while with a couple of slightly older boys. Our elder son was not judgemental about it, but was un-nerved by it, and did not want to hear the story which was gushing out of me. I basically told him that if this was in me, and if it should be genetic in some way, then it is likely to be in him too, or possibly may be passed on to his sons or grandsons; and that he needed to be aware of the full situation, to help him better deal with such situations when/if they ever arose. He then shut up and let me have my say for an hour or so.

Sorry for that addendum, but I thought again that there might be something of value in it for you.

Best wishes on your new journey. Regards: JohnnyX.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Dwayne on November 03, 2007, 09:23:32 PM
JohnnyX

Thanks for your thoughtful reply.  On the contrary, I do find our situations similar.  I do love and care for my wife and always will.  But I do find myself physically attracted to members of the same sex.  She and I have also agreed that when I sleep with another male, that will be the end of the marriage. I have been faithful to her, but it seems at a price.  I do not currently have same sex relationship, but have been attending gay functions.

 I didn't understand if you'd had same sex relationships previous to marriage or not.  I  had 2 serious same sex  relationships in college and several    "one night stands".  So I knew I was gay when we married, but I thought that a loving heterosexual relationship would fix it!  Sorry!  It doesn't work that way. 
So do I tear apart a relationship?  If I do, will the depression cease?  Will normal sleep patterns return? 

We are currently separated temporarily, while I try to find a direction to my life.

Thanks again,

Dwayne
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: JohnnyX on November 04, 2007, 07:29:22 AM
JohnnyX

Thanks for your thoughtful reply.  On the contrary, I do find our situations similar.  I do love and care for my wife and always will.  But I do find myself physically attracted to members of the same sex.  She and I have also agreed that when I sleep with another male, that will be the end of the marriage. I have been faithful to her, but it seems at a price.  I do not currently have same sex relationship, but have been attending gay functions.

 I didn't understand if you'd had same sex relationships previous to marriage or not.  I  had 2 serious same sex  relationships in college and several    "one night stands".  So I knew I was gay when we married, but I thought that a loving heterosexual relationship would fix it!  Sorry!  It doesn't work that way. 
So do I tear apart a relationship?  If I do, will the depression cease?  Will normal sleep patterns return? 

We are currently separated temporarily, while I try to find a direction to my life.

Thanks again,

Dwayne

Oh Dwayne: you ask some VERY deep questions here, which I do not feel that I am qualified to answer. Hopefully others on this list who are better qualified will share their thoughts with you, on them.

But I can answer about my pre-marital relationships: NO, they were all heterosexual.
Dwayne, although Sydney now has an international name for its annual Gay Mardi Gras, the Australia which I grew up in was (and still largely continues to be) EXTREMELY HOMOPHOBIC.
So any possible tendency towards homosexuality was to be stamped out hard! You seem to understand this also, with your expectation that it would go with heterosexual marriage.
However there was ONE very unexpected "event" one night when I accidentally met a straight man who I had shared a house with for some time. I went back with him to his new apartment, had coffee and talked until the early hours of the next morning. He invited me to stay the night, which was easier for me than to try to get home with no transport available that late. He went down on me, when I had been expecting to sleep. (Yeah, I am very dumb!) With my strong fundamentalist religious upbringing, that made me feel dirty. I immediately rose, showered, and left. That was my only M2M event. NOW I wish that I had been of a different frame of mind. ROFL.

Now, back to your questions:
Do you tear apart a relationship?: It sounds as if you have both already decided to give you the space to make that decision for yourself. Don't rush into deciding, is about the best that I can say here. Sorry to be so useless in that answer.

Will the depression cease: I think that we are all so different that no-one could definitely answer that question. For myself, I think that having depression means that for evermore I will have been weakened emotionally by it; so it would probably only need some more large issues to occur, and my depression would be completely back again -- I am guessing.

Will normal sleep patterns occur? Hopefully they might even occur NOW whilst you are separated -- especially when you can now masturbate to your heart's content! Go for it. You might find that it results in lots of nice relaxing sleep! Hope so.  BUT of course, you are also mentally trying to sort out all of the MANY issues involved in your life, including weighing up choices, etc. THAT is a massive reason not to be sleeping well, as even during sleep, your subconscious will be working away on them.  My recommendation for that would be if it might be possible, to tire yourself out by hard PHYSICAL work: in the garden perhaps. Or lots of swimming, hard walking, light running, bicycling, etc. Anything which will tire you out so much that when you get to bed you will just fall into an exhausted, but healthy restful sleep. Sorry, you will even be too tired to masturbate on those nights too. ROFL.

Hoping again, that something in this might help you.
AND hoping that others here in the forum will chime in with their thoughts on your questions.
Hang in there!  JohnnyX.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CANSTANDIT on November 04, 2007, 06:34:06 PM
Hi,
I am a gay closeted male.  I am married with 2 children and 2 grandchildren.  I came out to my wife after the birth of our 1st son some 35 years ago.  She has been supportive, but I have been extremely depressed and unable to sleep more than 2-3 hours per night.  The Dr. put me on Wellbutrin and Ambien CR which has helped but I don't want to be on chemicals forever.  At the suggestion of my therapist, I came out to 3 of my best long time friends this summer and it has been very positive.
Any suggestions
Dwayne, welcome, welcome, WELCOME! This forum I know will be able to aid you in your journey; it's helped us all!
 :)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Art on November 05, 2007, 06:44:46 AM
I didn't understand if you'd had same sex relationships previous to marriage or not.  I  had 2 serious same sex  relationships in college and several    "one night stands".  So I knew I was gay when we married, but I thought that a loving heterosexual relationship would fix it!  Sorry!  It doesn't work that way. 
So do I tear apart a relationship?  If I do, will the depression cease?  Will normal sleep patterns return? 

We are currently separated temporarily, while I try to find a direction to my life.

Thanks again,

Dwayne

Dear Dwayne,

I have no experience comparable to yours. I came out to myself when I was 22, a little later to friends, and gradually to the world. I never had any heterosexual experience. What I can add to your 'case' is that I know from experience and research that keeping secrets is harmfull for your physical and mental heath. Keeping your secret a secret costs energy and causes stress, resulting in pathology, as depression, sleeping problems, etc. However, sharing a secret does not automatically solve those problems. I think it takes time to get rid of those, but that opening up is a prerequisite for healing. But you have to realise that disclosure may have contraproductive effects, such as temporarily alienation and gossip.
I think it is a good idea to come out to your children first. They have a right to know. How would you feel when you discovered that one of you children is gay, but kept it from you? In any case, they should be the first to know, before you tell others. Otherwise you might expose them to rumours and gossip.

I wish you all the wisdom you need for the decisions you have to make and the actions you have to undertake. These are the most difficult moments in a man's life. But they will pass, think of that.

Art
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Lola on November 05, 2007, 09:21:07 AM
JohnnyX

Thanks for your thoughtful reply.  On the contrary, I do find our situations similar.  I do love and care for my wife and always will.  But I do find myself physically attracted to members of the same sex.  She and I have also agreed that when I sleep with another male, that will be the end of the marriage. I have been faithful to her, but it seems at a price.  I do not currently have same sex relationship, but have been attending gay functions.

 I didn't understand if you'd had same sex relationships previous to marriage or not.  I  had 2 serious same sex  relationships in college and several    "one night stands".  So I knew I was gay when we married, but I thought that a loving heterosexual relationship would fix it!  Sorry!  It doesn't work that way. 
So do I tear apart a relationship?  If I do, will the depression cease?  Will normal sleep patterns return? 

We are currently separated temporarily, while I try to find a direction to my life.

Thanks again,

Dwayne

Welcome Dwayne!  I am assuming your grown children know you and your wife are seperated.  Are they wondering why, are they not asking questions?
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Dwayne on November 05, 2007, 09:35:49 AM
Thanks to all of you for your replies.  Particularly JohnnX and Art. You obviously gave a lot of time and thought into your responses.  You know, when I'm just thinking about this most(all?) of the time, I lose my perspective.  It really helps to have some one react to my ideas and questions.  It gives them a context and I'm better able to focus.  It seems our society puts us in such a black hole, that when light comes from someone who's been there, the situation doesn't seem quite as grim.
The questions I posed were obviously difficult ones to predict an outcome.  The fact that you took the time is really appreciated.

Thanks

Dwayne
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Dwayne on November 05, 2007, 09:40:10 AM
Lola,

Great question.  They all know how I whine about the cold weather, so when I said I'd be gone south for a month, they thought it was just me.

Dwayne
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Flyboy on November 05, 2007, 09:13:30 PM
Dwayne, just adding my 'welcome' to the Forum, stay with us, this place is full of folks willing to help you along your journey.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Dwayne on November 06, 2007, 09:01:17 AM
Art,

There is some problem with the PM you sent.  It keeps kicking me of the internet.  I'll have to delete it, if you could send it again.

Sorry

Dwayne
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Trigger Hippie on November 06, 2007, 11:13:13 AM
Coming out and telling anyone about how you really are, after years of holding it in and keeping it secret is not and never will be easy, for most of us anyway.

Admitting to being atracted to men (if you are a man  ::)), is doubly difficult, because of the inherent social stigma and the total uncertainity of how those you tell will react. Unless such subjects are common conversation subjects in your circle, how could one know?

But there may come a time when you just have to say something, you just have to be brave.

My choice to speak out came when I met some someone (here in the forum), who I knew I could live my life with. A recognition of kinship, not embedded in sex and lust, that moved me to want something other than what was an empty, and often dark and miserable life.

I never had a battle with myself, I knew I was gay from an early age and accepted it once I was old enough to understand it. However, telling friends and family was not something I wanted to do - there was no reason to. I never expected to find someone for me, I wasn't even looking.  But someone was there (kisses babe). Eventually, as it turned out, I waited 25+ years from the time I understood myself to finding love (18 months ago), keeping it a secret from almost everyone. But, there was a moment, an epiphany, when it was right to tell family and friends, and be damned. I wanted to live my life for me, not for others. I chose to look for happiness. The days before I "opened up" were terrifying and tortuous. But, it was like a switch had been clicked inside me; it was something that had to be done.

I was lucky, all those who are important to me, just said "well, OK!", or "So?", or often "Oh, yes, I already guessed". I can't say it will be the same for others who have to let others know who they really are. It is possible you may lose some friends or family, in doing so, but hopefully not. Acceptance is all you can realistically hope for (it can be a big deal for some people), take anything greater than that as a blessing. Steel yourself for the losses if they come.

I chose to chance on happiness, and faced whatever that brought to me.


Nick

Oh yeah! To the newbies, Welcome! Some of us here have been around this particular block (the forum) several (thousand) times. So there are many varied and often deep pools of experience for you to tap into here.



Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Lola on November 06, 2007, 12:57:06 PM
Nick that just brought a tear to my eye!  :'(
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on November 06, 2007, 02:34:13 PM

I never had a battle with myself, I knew I was gay from an early age and accepted it once I was old enough to understand it. However, telling friends and family was not something I wanted to do - there was no reason to. I never expected to find someone for me, I wasn't even looking.  But someone was there (kisses babe). Eventually, as it turned out, I waited 25+ years from the time I understood myself to finding love (18 months ago), keeping it a secret from almost everyone. But, there was a moment, an epiphany, when it was right to tell family and friends, and be damned. I wanted to live my life for me, not for others. I chose to look for happiness. The days before I "opened up" were terrifying and tortuous. But, it was like a switch had been clicked inside me; it was something that had to be done.

I was lucky, all those who are important to me, just said "well, OK!", or "So?", or often "Oh, yes, I already guessed". I can't say it will be the same for others who have to let others know who they really are. It is possible you may lose some friends or family, in doing so, but hopefully not. Acceptance is all you can realistically hope for (it can be a big deal for some people), take anything greater than that as a blessing. Steel yourself for the losses if they come.

I chose to chance on happiness, and faced whatever that brought to me.




Well, you know Nick this is such a beautiful story....

I know how it's difficult being gay here, in this country of mine - Italy - where I happened to be born, grow up and  live....but I hoped that in other and, from this point of view, more 'civilized' countries, more 'secular' if I'm able to explain myself, less burdened by the heavy Catholic heritage and by the patriarchal Southern-European machismo it could be different....But as it turns out, it's not so.

Nobody ever, when I was a teenager, spoke to me in favor of gay rights and yet , ever since I knew what the word 'homosexual' means..... ever since I read Oscar Wilde's delicious novels and plays and learnt about the story of his life...... and when Pier Paolo Pasolini was killed in 1975 and the media took his private life and tore it to pieces with a total lack of human compassion trying to make HIM a monster and an immoral person who in the end deserved what he got.....it was so clear to me that everybody should be free to love and make love with anyody he/she wants, the way they like. I never had a doubt about this.


But apparently, homosexuality is still today perceived as such a scandalous and threatening issue for our society and culture...and this causes so much pain and losses.

So glad you won your battle! I wish you a lot of happiness.  :-*

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Lola on November 06, 2007, 02:51:00 PM

Well, you know Nick this is such a beautiful story....

I know how it's difficult being gay here, in this country of mine - Italy - where I happened to be born, grow up and  live....but I hoped that in other and, from this point of view, more 'civilized' countries, more 'secular' if I'm able to explain myself, less burdened by the heavy Catholic heritage and by the patriarchal Southern-European machismo it could be different....But as it turns out, it's not so.

Nobody ever, when I was a teenager, spoke to me in favor of gay rights and yet , ever since I knew what the word 'homosexual' means..... ever since I read Oscar Wilde's delicious novels and plays and learnt about the story of his life...... and when Pier Paolo Pasolini was killed in 1975 and the media took his private life and tore it to pieces with a total lack of human compassion trying to make HIM a monster and an immoral person who in the end deserved what he got.....it was so clear to me that everybody should be free to love and make love with anyody he/she wants, the way they like. I never had a doubt about this.


But apparently, homosexuality is still today perceived as such a scandalous and threatening issue for our society and culture...and this causes so much pain and losses.

So glad you won your battle! I wish you a lot of happiness.  :-*



Dahlia that is so sad!  And being Catholic it pains me to think the Catholic church causes people such grief.  :'(  I still dream of going to Italy one day (maybe next year in fact).   The Italians are such lovers of life - people should be free to love whom they please!


((((HUGS)))

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on November 06, 2007, 03:12:57 PM

 And being Catholic it pains me to think the Catholic church causes people such grief.  :'(  I still dream of going to Italy one day (maybe next year in fact).   The Italians are such lovers of life - people should be free to love whom they please!


((((HUGS)))


well Lola if you ever happen to be in this weird country.....let me know!   ;)

xxxx
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: john john on November 06, 2007, 04:00:09 PM
I remember when I was planning to out myself I kept putting it off and off and off.
What made me decide to do it is when I told myself "The hell with it, those who truly love me will still love me, the others will have to fall by the wayside".  I truly was ready to loose a lot to be who I truly was, I was prepared for the worst.

I fortunately lost no one.

Sometimes the idea is worst than the reality.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Trigger Hippie on November 06, 2007, 04:05:18 PM
I remember when I was planning to out myself I kept putting it off and off and off.
What made me decide to do it is when I told myself "The hell with it, those who truly love me will still love me, the others will have to fall by the wayside".  I truly was ready to loose a lot to be who I truly was, I was prepared for the worst.

I fortunately lost no one.

Sometimes the idea is worst than the reality.


Yes
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Brokeback_1 on November 07, 2007, 03:49:08 AM
Hi,
I am a gay closeted male.  I am married with 2 children and 2 grandchildren.  I came out to my wife after the birth of our 1st son some 35 years ago.  She has been supportive, but I have been extremely depressed and unable to sleep more than 2-3 hours per night.  The Dr. put me on Wellbutrin and Ambien CR which has helped but I don't want to be on chemicals forever.  At the suggestion of my therapist, I came out to 3 of my best long time friends this summer and it has been very positive.
Any suggestions
Hi dwayne!

sorry we didn't get to meet in AZ last week. You will love this place. It is remarkable.

Jack
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Art on November 07, 2007, 05:49:57 AM
Dahlia that is so sad!  And being Catholic it pains me to think the Catholic church causes people such grief.  :'(  I still dream of going to Italy one day (maybe next year in fact).   The Italians are such lovers of life - people should be free to love whom they please!

Lola,
Don't blame yourself for being a catholic. All religions seem to have objections toward a gay lifestyle. Here in the Netherlands we have problems with our 2nd and 3rd generation Muslim immigrants. They tend to radicalize and be violent towards gays. Watch the movie Latter Days and you get an idea of how Mormons think about gays (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGwlFTg4XBI, the whole movie is there, cut in 11 pieces). A sympathetic movie with a beautyfully filmed love scene, btw.

Art
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Elevation on November 08, 2007, 12:17:28 PM
Coming out and telling anyone about how you really are, after years of holding it in and keeping it secret is not and never will be easy, for most of us anyway.

Admitting to being atracted to men (if you are a man  ::)), is doubly difficult, because of the inherent social stigma and the total uncertainity of how those you tell will react. Unless such subjects are common conversation subjects in your circle, how could one know?

But there may come a time when you just have to say something, you just have to be brave.

My choice to speak out came when I met some someone (here in the forum), who I knew I could live my life with. A recognition of kinship, not embedded in sex and lust, that moved me to want something other than what was an empty, and often dark and miserable life.

I never had a battle with myself, I knew I was gay from an early age and accepted it once I was old enough to understand it. However, telling friends and family was not something I wanted to do - there was no reason to. I never expected to find someone for me, I wasn't even looking.  But someone was there (kisses babe). Eventually, as it turned out, I waited 25+ years from the time I understood myself to finding love (18 months ago), keeping it a secret from almost everyone. But, there was a moment, an epiphany, when it was right to tell family and friends, and be damned. I wanted to live my life for me, not for others. I chose to look for happiness. The days before I "opened up" were terrifying and tortuous. But, it was like a switch had been clicked inside me; it was something that had to be done.

I was lucky, all those who are important to me, just said "well, OK!", or "So?", or often "Oh, yes, I already guessed". I can't say it will be the same for others who have to let others know who they really are. It is possible you may lose some friends or family, in doing so, but hopefully not. Acceptance is all you can realistically hope for (it can be a big deal for some people), take anything greater than that as a blessing. Steel yourself for the losses if they come.

I chose to chance on happiness, and faced whatever that brought to me.


Nick

Oh yeah! To the newbies, Welcome! Some of us here have been around this particular block (the forum) several (thousand) times. So there are many varied and often deep pools of experience for you to tap into here.





Thankyou Nick for your beautiful post. As painful as it is to read that you used to think there was no one for you, as wonderful it is now to know you have found mr right. I'm glad you didn't have to go through an identity battle.
I smile at the memory of when we met back in Tx, and it gives true hope to think about that if you guys could find each-other then there's someone for me somewhere as well in due time.
 :)
 
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Trigger Hippie on November 08, 2007, 12:32:43 PM
Coming out and telling anyone about how you really are, after years of holding it in and keeping it secret is not and never will be easy, for most of us anyway.

Admitting to being atracted to men (if you are a man  ::)), is doubly difficult, because of the inherent social stigma and the total uncertainity of how those you tell will react. Unless such subjects are common conversation subjects in your circle, how could one know?

But there may come a time when you just have to say something, you just have to be brave.

My choice to speak out came when I met some someone (here in the forum), who I knew I could live my life with. A recognition of kinship, not embedded in sex and lust, that moved me to want something other than what was an empty, and often dark and miserable life.

I never had a battle with myself, I knew I was gay from an early age and accepted it once I was old enough to understand it. However, telling friends and family was not something I wanted to do - there was no reason to. I never expected to find someone for me, I wasn't even looking.  But someone was there (kisses babe). Eventually, as it turned out, I waited 25+ years from the time I understood myself to finding love (18 months ago), keeping it a secret from almost everyone. But, there was a moment, an epiphany, when it was right to tell family and friends, and be damned. I wanted to live my life for me, not for others. I chose to look for happiness. The days before I "opened up" were terrifying and tortuous. But, it was like a switch had been clicked inside me; it was something that had to be done.

I was lucky, all those who are important to me, just said "well, OK!", or "So?", or often "Oh, yes, I already guessed". I can't say it will be the same for others who have to let others know who they really are. It is possible you may lose some friends or family, in doing so, but hopefully not. Acceptance is all you can realistically hope for (it can be a big deal for some people), take anything greater than that as a blessing. Steel yourself for the losses if they come.

I chose to chance on happiness, and faced whatever that brought to me.


Nick

Oh yeah! To the newbies, Welcome! Some of us here have been around this particular block (the forum) several (thousand) times. So there are many varied and often deep pools of experience for you to tap into here.





{snip}..............................................

 and it gives true hope to think about that if you guys could find each-other then there's someone for me somewhere as well in due time.
 :)
 


oh yes absolutely my friend. I believe it, the world believes it and life itself knows it to be true.

N
xx
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: andy/Claude on November 08, 2007, 12:59:52 PM
Dahlia that is so sad!  And being Catholic it pains me to think the Catholic church causes people such grief.  :'(  I still dream of going to Italy one day (maybe next year in fact).   The Italians are such lovers of life - people should be free to love whom they please!

Lola,
Don't blame yourself for being a catholic. All religions seem to have objections toward a gay lifestyle. Here in the Netherlands we have problems with our 2nd and 3rd generation Muslim immigrants. They tend to radicalize and be violent towards gays. Watch the movie Latter Days and you get an idea of how Mormons think about gays (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGwlFTg4XBI, the whole movie is there, cut in 11 pieces). A sympathetic movie with a beautyfully filmed love scene, btw.

Art

Being somewhat of a pessimist when it comes to human nature I fear that unless the subject is dealt with generation by generation then we will always be persecuted and prejudiced against. Of course, in some respects, things are better now but I believe it would be foolish to think that any good done now will live beyond the life of those who have come to greater understanding and acceptance. I wonder if our beloved movie hasn't done most of it's work on those already of an open and caring mind. It doesn't seem to have worked on the powers that be in Hollywood does it? Or has it???......

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: undecid on November 10, 2007, 09:36:07 PM
second post ever ,so , maybe out of context....but I  did try to  "get" the context...
I'm also pessimistic (Bush?)  but,
Andy,  the subject WILL be dealt with "generation by generation"...
time will cure ignorance...
like water over stone.
You are so right...."Our beloved movie" has done most of it's work....period...
but, what a work!  huh?
nevermind Hollywood...the work was done for people....Hollywood might follow.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: john john on November 10, 2007, 10:17:44 PM
second post ever ,so , maybe out of context....but I  did try to  "get" the context...
I'm also pessimistic (Bush?)  but,
Andy,  the subject WILL be dealt with "generation by generation"...
time will cure ignorance...
like water over stone.
You are so right...."Our beloved movie" has done most of it's work....period...
but, what a work!  huh?
nevermind Hollywood...the work was done for people....Hollywood might follow.

Hi Undecid!

Welcome to the forum.

Pull yourself a log and make yourself comfortable.
Beans and whisky are free, help yourself :)

JJ
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: atruant on November 11, 2007, 11:38:52 AM
I remember when I was planning to out myself I kept putting it off and off and off.
What made me decide to do it is when I told myself "The hell with it, those who truly love me will still love me, the others will have to fall by the wayside".  I truly was ready to loose a lot to be who I truly was, I was prepared for the worst.

I fortunately lost no one.

Sometimes the idea is worst than the reality.


Yes

Ditto.

I fortunately lost no one either. Talk about needless fretting!! :D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Stilllearning on November 11, 2007, 07:26:29 PM
With Thanksgiving just around the corner, we'd like to gather some thoughts on what people are thankful for.  So if you'd like to contribute, please PM me and let me know what your grateful for.  Although we probably won't be able to include all the responses , but look forward to hearing from everyone as we compile a special TDS Thanksgiving piece.

Thanks!
Dawn
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: MaineGirl on November 11, 2007, 09:07:02 PM
Coming out and telling anyone about how you really are, after years of holding it in and keeping it secret is not and never will be easy, for most of us anyway.

Admitting to being atracted to men (if you are a man  ::)), is doubly difficult, because of the inherent social stigma and the total uncertainity of how those you tell will react. Unless such subjects are common conversation subjects in your circle, how could one know?

But there may come a time when you just have to say something, you just have to be brave.

My choice to speak out came when I met some someone (here in the forum), who I knew I could live my life with. A recognition of kinship, not embedded in sex and lust, that moved me to want something other than what was an empty, and often dark and miserable life.

I never had a battle with myself, I knew I was gay from an early age and accepted it once I was old enough to understand it. However, telling friends and family was not something I wanted to do - there was no reason to. I never expected to find someone for me, I wasn't even looking.  But someone was there (kisses babe). Eventually, as it turned out, I waited 25+ years from the time I understood myself to finding love (18 months ago), keeping it a secret from almost everyone. But, there was a moment, an epiphany, when it was right to tell family and friends, and be damned. I wanted to live my life for me, not for others. I chose to look for happiness. The days before I "opened up" were terrifying and tortuous. But, it was like a switch had been clicked inside me; it was something that had to be done.

I was lucky, all those who are important to me, just said "well, OK!", or "So?", or often "Oh, yes, I already guessed". I can't say it will be the same for others who have to let others know who they really are. It is possible you may lose some friends or family, in doing so, but hopefully not. Acceptance is all you can realistically hope for (it can be a big deal for some people), take anything greater than that as a blessing. Steel yourself for the losses if they come.

I chose to chance on happiness, and faced whatever that brought to me.


Nick

Oh yeah! To the newbies, Welcome! Some of us here have been around this particular block (the forum) several (thousand) times. So there are many varied and often deep pools of experience for you to tap into here.


Your beautiful post really touched me, Nick.  My son also spent several torturous days (weeks actually) leading up to his coming out to me and his father before he left for college.  As it turns out, his fears were unfounded, but I understand how hard that was for him.  The whole family embraced him because he is still who he is and has always been and nothing could ever change the love we have for him.  As johnjohn and you said above, sometimes the idea is much worse than the reality.  

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Art on November 12, 2007, 04:02:19 AM
[Your beautiful post really touched me, Nick.  My son also spent several torturous days (weeks actually) leading up to his coming out to me and his father before he left for college.  As it turns out, his fears were unfounded, but I understand how hard that was for him.  The whole family embraced him because he is still who he is and has always been and nothing could ever change the love we have for him.  As johnjohn and you said above, sometimes the idea is much worse than the reality.  
How right you are, MG.  Most of the anticipated coming out trouble is in our own head. But how come? It is my opinion that self-esteem is extraordinary low in gay men/boys at the time they come out'. What I experienced, and what you hear all around here, is that you know from a very young age that something is different with you, and you have a hard time adapting to what is expected. I remember an interview with Richard Chamberlain, who said: 'I have been an actor all my life', referring to the need to act 'straight' from very early on. Because you know that you are not what they expect you to be, you tend to internalize negative opinions about that what you are not allowed to be: gay. Resulting in a very negative self-image at the time when you want to or have to come out. And selective perception does the rest of the work: you think that everyone thinks so negatively about being gay. Ergo: you expect great trouble when you tell that you are gay.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: MaineGirl on November 12, 2007, 04:46:46 AM
[Your beautiful post really touched me, Nick.  My son also spent several torturous days (weeks actually) leading up to his coming out to me and his father before he left for college.  As it turns out, his fears were unfounded, but I understand how hard that was for him.  The whole family embraced him because he is still who he is and has always been and nothing could ever change the love we have for him.  As johnjohn and you said above, sometimes the idea is much worse than the reality.  
How right you are, MG.  Most of the anticipated coming out trouble is in our own head. But how come? It is my opinion that self-esteem is extraordinary low in gay men/boys at the time they come out'. What I experienced, and what you hear all around here, is that you know from a very young age that something is different with you, and you have a hard time adapting to what is expected. I remember an interview with Richard Chamberlain, who said: 'I have been an actor all my life', referring to the need to act 'straight' from very early on. Because you know that you are not what they expect you to be, you tend to internalize negative opinions about that what you are not allowed to be: gay. Resulting in a very negative self-image at the time when you want to or have to come out. And selective perception does the rest of the work: you think that everyone thinks so negatively about being gay. Ergo: you expect great trouble when you tell that you are gay.

Thank you for that insight Art.  This helps to explain some things about our son that perhaps I did not fully understand before.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Art on November 12, 2007, 07:56:55 AM
This helps to explain some things about our son that perhaps I did not fully understand before.

You sound like a very understanding mum, MG. Your son needs your support, especially in the self-esteem area. It took me at least 5-6 year and maybe more to feel really confortable with myself and my new identity and capable of facing the world without reservations (is that English?). A consequence is that it is extremely difficult to form good (love) relations with others, who are mostly in the same position. Liasons between two people with negative self-images don't work well, believe that. 
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: MaineGirl on November 12, 2007, 08:13:57 AM
This helps to explain some things about our son that perhaps I did not fully understand before.

You sound like a very understanding mum, MG. Your son needs your support, especially in the self-esteem area. It took me at least 5-6 year and maybe more to feel really confortable with myself and my new identity and capable of facing the world without reservations (is that English?). A consequence is that it is extremely difficult to form good (love) relations with others, who are mostly in the same position. Liasons between two people with negative self-images don't work well, believe that. 

I believe that.  I did not understand in his teen years how this wonderful, bright, incredibly talented human being could be so down on himself sometimes.  I understand that better now.

As for being understanding, I was brought up that people are people, we come in all different shapes, colors, sizes, orientations, etc. and that it's what's inside that counts.  We are all human beings.....  The gender of whom you fall in love with does not matter so much as long as you have the capacity to love and be loved in return. 
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Nax on November 12, 2007, 08:32:06 AM
This helps to explain some things about our son that perhaps I did not fully understand before.

You sound like a very understanding mum, MG. Your son needs your support, especially in the self-esteem area. It took me at least 5-6 year and maybe more to feel really confortable with myself and my new identity and capable of facing the world without reservations (is that English?). A consequence is that it is extremely difficult to form good (love) relations with others, who are mostly in the same position. Liasons between two people with negative self-images don't work well, believe that. 

I believe that.  I did not understand in his teen years how this wonderful, bright, incredibly talented human being could be so down on himself sometimes.  I understand that better now.

As for being understanding, I was brought up that people are people, we come in all different shapes, colors, sizes, orientations, etc. and that it's what's inside that counts.  We are all human beings.....  The gender of whom you fall in love with does not matter so much as long as you have the capacity to love and be loved in return. 

You are one wonderful mother Sue, he's a lucky boy.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: MaineGirl on November 12, 2007, 08:40:30 AM
This helps to explain some things about our son that perhaps I did not fully understand before.

You sound like a very understanding mum, MG. Your son needs your support, especially in the self-esteem area. It took me at least 5-6 year and maybe more to feel really confortable with myself and my new identity and capable of facing the world without reservations (is that English?). A consequence is that it is extremely difficult to form good (love) relations with others, who are mostly in the same position. Liasons between two people with negative self-images don't work well, believe that. 

I believe that.  I did not understand in his teen years how this wonderful, bright, incredibly talented human being could be so down on himself sometimes.  I understand that better now.

As for being understanding, I was brought up that people are people, we come in all different shapes, colors, sizes, orientations, etc. and that it's what's inside that counts.  We are all human beings.....  The gender of whom you fall in love with does not matter so much as long as you have the capacity to love and be loved in return. 

You are one wonderful mother Sue, he's a lucky boy.

thank you.  When he finally came out to us I wanted to take all the angst away and make everything all right.  I realized I could not do that.  All I could do was be understanding/reassuring, and enfold him in all the love that I/we could give him.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Nax on November 12, 2007, 08:52:25 AM
This helps to explain some things about our son that perhaps I did not fully understand before.

You sound like a very understanding mum, MG. Your son needs your support, especially in the self-esteem area. It took me at least 5-6 year and maybe more to feel really confortable with myself and my new identity and capable of facing the world without reservations (is that English?). A consequence is that it is extremely difficult to form good (love) relations with others, who are mostly in the same position. Liasons between two people with negative self-images don't work well, believe that. 

I believe that.  I did not understand in his teen years how this wonderful, bright, incredibly talented human being could be so down on himself sometimes.  I understand that better now.

As for being understanding, I was brought up that people are people, we come in all different shapes, colors, sizes, orientations, etc. and that it's what's inside that counts.  We are all human beings.....  The gender of whom you fall in love with does not matter so much as long as you have the capacity to love and be loved in return. 

You are one wonderful mother Sue, he's a lucky boy.

thank you.  When he finally came out to us I wanted to take all the angst away and make everything all right.  I realized I could not do that.  All I could do was be understanding/reassuring, and enfold him in all the love that I/we could give him.

Knowing that you have the support and love of the people that you most love in your life is beyond measure. Some of us have been fortunate to have that, I count myself among those.  Many of my friends have not been so lucky,  your son has the stability and love that every child should have. He may not tell you in plain words but I think if asked, he'd tell you that he loves you even more now than he did before he told you he was gay.  Sometimes what seems an  insurmountable obstacles such as coming out can actually be the thing that strenghthens us and brings us closer together.  Celebrate the fact that you can be honest with each other - it's a great feeling  ;).
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: killersmom on November 12, 2007, 08:13:07 PM
we come in all different shapes, colors, sizes, orientations, etc. and that it's what's inside that counts.  We are all human beings.....  The gender of whom you fall in love with does not matter so much as long as you have the capacity to love and be loved in return. 

Sue,

Heard an older county singer in concert last night say basically this same thing, ending it with, 

"....as long as you have that someone tell you 'I love you' before you go to sleep at night".

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: MaineGirl on November 13, 2007, 03:52:11 AM
we come in all different shapes, colors, sizes, orientations, etc. and that it's what's inside that counts.  We are all human beings.....  The gender of whom you fall in love with does not matter so much as long as you have the capacity to love and be loved in return. 

Sue,

Heard an older county singer in concert last night say basically this same thing, ending it with, 

"....as long as you have that someone tell you 'I love you' before you go to sleep at night".



I like that, Linda.  Thank you.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Zudos on November 13, 2007, 03:30:38 PM
Sue you wonderful wonderful lady.... :-* 
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: MaineGirl on November 13, 2007, 03:50:52 PM
Sue you wonderful wonderful lady.... :-* 

(((Wayne)))  :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Zudos on November 13, 2007, 03:52:38 PM
Sue you wonderful wonderful lady.... :-* 

(((Wayne)))  :-*

Ahhhhh - And have we seen photos of this lucky lucky boy...? Are you allowed to post them?  :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: MaineGirl on November 13, 2007, 03:55:38 PM
Sue you wonderful wonderful lady.... :-* 

(((Wayne)))  :-*

Ahhhhh - And have we seen photos of this lucky lucky boy...? Are you allowed to post them?  :-*

I haven't asked his permission....... 
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on November 14, 2007, 01:39:57 AM

Being somewhat of a pessimist when it comes to human nature I fear that unless the subject is dealt with generation by generation then we will always be persecuted and prejudiced against. Of course, in some respects, things are better now but I believe it would be foolish to think that any good done now will live beyond the life of those who have come to greater understanding and acceptance. I wonder if our beloved movie hasn't done most of it's work on those already of an open and caring mind. It doesn't seem to have worked on the powers that be in Hollywood does it? Or has it???......


Andy, I'm somewhat a pessimist too, but I see things changing. I don't know if it's for greater understanding, or simply because, like Pasolini wrote (so long ago) what matters the most to our society is that we're all consumers so, why ignore the gay part of humanity that has money to spend?

I'm thinking for instance about the Dolce&Gabbana advertising campaign for Motorola (explicitly gay)

(http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j108/dahlia_photos/razr.png)

And a few years ago, not only BBM, but also 'La Quinceanera' or 'Little Miss Sunshine' couldnt be. I mean movies where 'normal' gay characters are shown. And the same happens in books.

Some 'friends' of mine even complain that there's too much 'gay stuff' around, on TV and so on, that gay has become trendy.....(I must use all my patience with them......)

Of course in the daily life of common people little has changed here....Though it's more common, in Milano, to see gay couples hand in hand. Too little? Better than nothing?

Am I OT?  :)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Bobby19in1963 on November 15, 2007, 02:21:42 PM
Hi! All:

Need some help.  You guys/gals are familiar with others on the Forum and may have more time than I at present.  Bite off what you can chew and I'll do the rest.  All I need is for you to shoot me the info, I'll put together an email and attach my article and make a plea for them to run it in their papers.

I have the word from Dave and Lydia about how I should go about doing this.  I need some help finding the Op-Ed Editors of the various papers we might approach with my article. http://www.eastvalleytribune.com/story/101942?cp=18#comments    BTW, I'm doing a video interview for the Tribune Website this afternoon at 4 p.m. and will post a link here to that when it happens.  Be thinking of me.  Hope I do it justice.

Anyway, here's the advice from Dave.  If you can help, or can pass it on to someone who can help, please do.  I want the article to be seen by as many Mormons and others as possible around our land and the world.  It has generated lots of interest in the past 24 hours and I want to keep it up.  The GOAL?  To help young gay Mormon boys especially find solutions to their challenges outside of suicide.  Another one hung himself Friday in a hotel room in Las Vegas, added to one who hanged himself the week before in Draper, Utah.  Every five hours a GLBT youth commits suicide.  That's OUTRAGEOUS!

Thanx! for your help.

Bobby

Bobby, I just talked to Dave about the best way to get word out about your story. This is his advice as a person who has written many newspaper and magazine articles himself.

• First of all, as the author, the pitch SHOULD come directly from you. They'll have much more interest than if the Forum or various friends send it on your behalf.
• Second, you should send the pitch to the op-ed editor or the feature editor specifically. Not the news editors that appear on our media list from the Variety ad. That list wom't help.
• Third, you (and your friends) do the research and find the newspapers, correct editors and email addresses. (Dave didn't say this, but if I were you, I'd ask various friends to help find this info for you in their local papers. That saves you from having to do so many.)
• Fourth, send an email to that person (one editor at a time - not a mass email) with the subject line "op-ed pitch: controversy on AZ Mormon coming out"  or something else that short. Then write one very brief paragraph describing your article and note that there have been x pages of responses to it and give them the link.
• Fifth, include your contact info, of course.

Dave says that's the best way to do it and it sounds to me like it's the most professional and effective way to go. I hope this helps and I hope the video went well.

- Lydia
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Bobby19in1963 on November 16, 2007, 09:21:21 AM
Where is everyone?
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: desertrat on November 16, 2007, 09:34:13 AM
busy commenting on your article in the east valley tribune, e-mailing the editors, and such.  :D :D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: JohnnyX on November 16, 2007, 11:46:03 PM
Where is everyone?

Bobby: lovely article which you wrote.

The newspaper's system threw me out after reading about the first 10 pages, so I haven't yet been back to finish reading the comments. Want to leave my own as well, but not until I have read them all.  Will of course look forward to Desertrat's input there too.

Will not say anything more here, as I wish to state it all there.
AND the photo which went with the article looked GREAT!
Congratulations all around.
Best wishes: JohnnyX.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Brokeback_1 on November 18, 2007, 02:36:01 AM
busy commenting on your article in the east valley tribune, e-mailing the editors, and such.  :D :D

yep
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Charline on November 22, 2007, 01:54:58 PM
BBM affected me strangely : even if BBM is just emotion to me, I didn't cry.
I just want to see it over and over again.

The movie is nothing but a masterpiece... the story is wonderfull : I just love these guys, the way they are, sometimes same, sometimes opposites.

I've discovered Brokeback a few days ago and I am still in an emotional storm, but I could hardly put words on my feelings. Very strange.

I wanted to talk about the movie... but 2 years after, there aren't many people left to talk about a movie no longer on charts. But I need to speak, to explain, to analyse, to tell how I feel. And I am still wondering how I could miss that movie...
So I wrote down my feelings : in a way, it was a kind of relief to me cause it has been the only time in days I didn't feel my heart beating faster thinking about the movie.

You don't have to read the following lines, it's not great litterature, there are just my words on their story, they are my relief. If you read them, please be kind, English isn't my mothertongue.

-------------------------------------

Come closer, break your chains, don't be afraid.
I made the first move, I'm with you,
I swear.

Listen to your desire, kiss me.
I am ready, we are together,
I swear.

I know your soul is in pain,
Take my hand and I'll stand it,
I swear.

Be tender, caress me, come.
I'll keep our secret, hidden in our memories,
I swear.

Hold me in your arms, let yourself go.
I believe in us, your fears will vanish in the air,
I swear.

Unveil, open your heart, be yourself.
I know who we are,
I swear.

Call me, want me, let's love.
I'll stand by you,
I swear.

Give me your soul,
Take my body,
Please, swear to me.

Charline
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Amiennis on November 22, 2007, 02:18:02 PM
BBM affected me strangely : even if BBM is just emotion to me, I didn't cry.
I just want to see it over and over again.

The movie is nothing but a masterpiece... the story is wonderfull : I just love these guys, the way they are, sometimes same, sometimes opposites.

I've discovered Brokeback a few days ago and I am still in an emotional storm, but I could hardly put words on my feelings. Very strange.

I wanted to talk about the movie... but 2 years after, there aren't many people left to talk about a movie no longer on charts. But I need to speak, to explain, to analyse, to tell how I feel. And I am still wondering how I could miss that movie...
So I wrote down my feelings : in a way, it was a kind of relief to me cause it has been the only time in days I didn't feel my heart beating faster thinking about the movie.

You don't have to read the following lines, it's not great litterature, there are just my words on their story, they are my relief. If you read them, please be kind, English isn't my mothertongue.

-------------------------------------

Come closer, break your chains, don't be afraid.
I made the first move, I'm with you,
I swear.

Listen to your desire, kiss me.
I am ready, we are together,
I swear.

I know your soul is in pain,
Take my hand and I'll stand it,
I swear.

Be tender, caress me, come.
I'll keep our secret, hidden in our memories,
I swear.

Hold me in your arms, let yourself go.
I believe in us, your fears will vanish in the air,
I swear.

Unveil, open your heart, be yourself.
I know who we are,
I swear.

Call me, want me, let's love.
I'll stand by you,
I swear.

Give me your soul,
Take my body,
Please, swear to me.

Charline

God, that is beautiful, Charline - a very warm welcome to the forum!

Marc
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Miaisland on November 22, 2007, 03:37:02 PM
Thank you so much Charline for writing those wonderful words, coming here and sharing them.

Until I meet you again
a very warm hug!
Mia
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on November 22, 2007, 07:10:32 PM
Welcome Charline!!!  Thank you for sharing your thougths and words, and posting them here!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: MaineGirl on November 22, 2007, 07:19:39 PM
Beautifully said Charline..  Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us! 
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: JohnnyX on November 22, 2007, 08:00:44 PM
BBM affected me strangely : even if BBM is just emotion to me, I didn't cry.
I just want to see it over and over again.

The movie is nothing but a masterpiece... the story is wonderfull : I just love these guys, the way they are, sometimes same, sometimes opposites.

I've discovered Brokeback a few days ago and I am still in an emotional storm, but I could hardly put words on my feelings. Very strange.

I wanted to talk about the movie... but 2 years after, there aren't many people left to talk about a movie no longer on charts. But I need to speak, to explain, to analyse, to tell how I feel. And I am still wondering how I could miss that movie...
So I wrote down my feelings : in a way, it was a kind of relief to me cause it has been the only time in days I didn't feel my heart beating faster thinking about the movie.

You don't have to read the following lines, it's not great litterature, there are just my words on their story, they are my relief. If you read them, please be kind, English isn't my mothertongue.

-------------------------------------

Come closer, break your chains, don't be afraid.
I made the first move, I'm with you,
I swear.

Listen to your desire, kiss me.
I am ready, we are together,
I swear.

I know your soul is in pain,
Take my hand and I'll stand it,
I swear.

Be tender, caress me, come.
I'll keep our secret, hidden in our memories,
I swear.

Hold me in your arms, let yourself go.
I believe in us, your fears will vanish in the air,
I swear.

Unveil, open your heart, be yourself.
I know who we are,
I swear.

Call me, want me, let's love.
I'll stand by you,
I swear.

Give me your soul,
Take my body,
Please, swear to me.

Charline


Hello Charline; and WELCOME to our little therapeutic community.
I do so hope that you will find in here, some of what you are seeking.

If you look around this Forum's offerings, you will see that there are many different "threads" for the various topics of the movie which you want to discuss. Just make sure that you let each of them know on your first posting there that you are NEW to the forum; otherwise many might just make the assumption that you are an old hand; and then their responses will be based on that false assumption.

Well Charline, your native language might not be English, but there is nothing in your wonderful poem to give that indication.

Charline, your poem is BEAUTIFUL.  I just hope that the man who I love will come here and read it. Or, perhaps Chuck might take it over to Bettermost and post it on his blog there, where he will be sure to see it. What a beautiful piece of art you have created there Charlene! Thank you so much for enriching MY life with your art.

I usually crop someone else's posting when I reply to it; but in this case, I wanted all of your post to be with my reply. WELCOME! WELCOME! WELCOME! May you find comfort in this place.

Best wishes: JohnnyX.

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: jack on November 22, 2007, 08:03:33 PM
charline...

let me add my welcome.  as you read through these pages, if you choose to, you will be able to chart our journey through those emotional reactions and find some similar, and many different experiences.  feel free to inhabit them all.  you can have all the BBM conversation here you could ever want, including what we have made of the journey, and at any time of the day or night it is convenient to you.

jack
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on November 22, 2007, 08:39:28 PM
Charline, welcome.  We have been lucky enough to find each other here, over the last 2 years, and know how tough it is when the film first punches you in the heart! 

Please, let us know if we can help in any way. 

Your poem is lovely, and such a perfect reflection of our Ennis and Jack.  Thank you for sharing it with us.


-Jackie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Brokeback_1 on November 23, 2007, 03:51:41 AM
Charline you're in the right place!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Miaisland on November 23, 2007, 01:23:36 PM
Charline!

I so want you to post your first posts. I think it will take four, before I can send a pm to you, and you can answer.
I want to do that!
I am also new here, six weeks only since this thing happened to me.

Hugs once again
Mia
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Miaisland on November 23, 2007, 03:28:20 PM
I got the advice to post this here - so here it goes.

I do want to talk about the (how shall I put this?) things I am now experiencing, processing in my mind as this story is new to me and affects me so much. And I need to say that the short story don't hold any answers for me right now. I stopped reading after a few pages. Maybe this is still so new to me I can't take it in. Maybe the impact of the film is too strong.

The strangest dream made me wake up in the middle of the night. I couldn't go back to sleep. Midwinter night is close, only a month ahead. Hours after hours of thick, silent darkness. It's a kind of darkness were all life stands still, were there seem to be no ability to move. I was awake, the dream was still with me, the past meeting present from the dream was still going on. It was all clear to me and the darkness made it all surreal, as I was awake and in a strange way still dreaming.

It was clear to me that - in the light of the story as told by Lee, Ledger, Gyllenhaal and the rest of the filmmakers based on the short story of Proulx – I have to go on a journey through all the true meetings, connections I've made in my life and of the losses. I also have to go on a journey through every image of this film in the light of... In the light of me or of my inner self... In the light of my dreams or subconscious processes...

The words are hard for me to find.

In this dream I met the boy I had my first longtime relationship with as a teenager - a relationship completely on his terms as he was a few years older than me. I had to accept a ‘free’ relationship, he wanted to date other girls. (I haven't met him for decades and I never think about him anymore). In the dream we were far out in the archipelago on an island. We were in a big white house on a cliff close to the sea. I couldn't recognize him at first as we were both so much older. So I had to ask for his name. Our families were there too. He had a wife and a small child. I introduced him to my husband but he couldn't for some reason let his wife say hello to me. Secretly he gave me some drug as a gift(!!!). Me and my family left and we said good bye.

My first conscious thought was Jack and Ennis. Then I realized the dream was as real as if I had actually met my old boyfriend again. Apart from being my first relationship I can not say he means that much to me. Maybe that is why I could dream this, if that makes sense. This was only the beginning, scratching the surface of what I have to face now that I am processing Brokeback Mountain in my mind. I think it will be a lot about goodbyes for me now.

So I think of  the goodbyes between Jack and Ennis. All with parallells in my life. Leaving Brokeback Mountain is one. I see Jack pretending not to care it affects him having to leave the mountain and Ennis who can't deal with it. As I understand from reading posts on different threads the short story is far from what I see in the film.  The last scene together with the DE is a goodbye scene, of course. The rest of the movie is too much for me to handle right now...

I so want to talk about this on the forum, but I am not sure where. I don't know in what thread that would fit in... So I try it here...


Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on November 23, 2007, 05:34:21 PM
Mia, your post fits in perfectly here, and I appreciate the fact that you took the time to post it!

Thank you, Mia!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Dal on November 23, 2007, 06:01:29 PM
Miaisland - It can be tough to say goodbye to old dreams, even if they never could come true, or even if they were not good for us in the long run!  Especially in the far North I suppose, in winter.  Get yourself a sun lamp and don't get depressed, says Dr Dal.  BbM and Brokeback Fever will make you blue enough, without adding that @#$% darkness to the mix!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Brokeback_1 on November 23, 2007, 06:22:59 PM
"So I think of  the goodbyes between Jack and Ennis. All with parallells in my life. Leaving Brokeback Mountain is one. I see Jack pretending not to care it affects him having to leave the mountain and Ennis who can't deal with it. As I understand from reading posts on different threads the short story is far from what I see in the film.  The last scene together with the DE is a goodbye scene, of course. The rest of the movie is too much for me to handle right now..."

MIASLAND >:D....not really....but right on the money LOL!., Me, i think it is  both simpler and more complex so why not join the debate: the point of view of someone like you, someone who has just been affected, is really valuable!

you are SO welcome here! :)

I hope to see many posts from you....
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dejavu on November 23, 2007, 07:42:05 PM
Mia, I'm sorry you went to bed before I got over here to read your post.  I hope you are sleeping at this time and are not awake feeling depressed, or being wakened by bad dreams.  I think a lot of us have things in our lives that we've kept beneath the surface, especially involving losses and old memories, and Brokeback has a way of letting the emotions associated with those things burst forth. 

The result may be depression, for awhile.  You may feel like crying.  But that isn't necessarily bad, especially if you have someone to talk to about it.  It may take awhile to process the meaning of everything that's in your mind right now.  Meanwhile, Dal has some good advice about trying to do things to keep from feeling depressed.  With your short amount of sunlight, staying in a brightly-lit indoor area may help some.  If you feel sad in bed, it might help to get up rather than staying awake watching the clock and worrying.  And it would sure help if you could talk to some friends -- not about Brokeback, if they don't "get it," but just about your family and daily life.  That might life your spirits.

The dream you had is interesting.  I'm not qualified to analyze it, but it seems curious that your old boyfriend would not introduce you to his wife in the dream.  This might mean that you think he would still have some feelings for you that might conflict with his marriage.  I doubt that's true, after all these years, but somehow Brokeback has got you thinking of all the people you've parted company with, and he's one of them.  Brokeback is definitely, among other things, about being separated from people we've loved, and about relationships that didn't work out.

I hope you feel better when your "real" family is home and you are not lonely.  When they are around, that may take your mind off of some of this.  If not, come back here and try to talk to people who have seen the movie.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Dal on November 23, 2007, 07:54:58 PM
Yes, a lot of my case of Brokeback Fever was about regret.  For things I hadn't even known I regretted, or ought to regret.  Brrrr.  It was awful.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on November 23, 2007, 09:51:42 PM
Miaisland, Dal...

ALL human beings live with regret.  It is part of being human.  What we DO about it is what elevates us.  Processing the pain of regret, analyzing the whys and what ifs...I think that is the key to understanding.  For many, Brokebvack has become the vehicle for that analysis, the key in the lock, so to speak.

Do not pity yourselves for your pain...be grateful for it, for it means you are alive. And you are with friends as you begin whatever healing you need to do, or whatever regrets you need to accept.

PM me, if you want...I have very broad shoulders.   :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: desertrat on November 24, 2007, 04:46:57 AM
mia, many people here face so many regrets, so many goodbyes that we didn't want and we suffered from. yet, sometimes a goodbye does not have to be accompyanied with regrets but we don't let ourselves leave entirely. not always has the impact of the movie to stir our lives in a new direction. sometimes, it might simply make us realize that we made the right decisions and it might may us realize how lucky and happy we are.

take your time to process all the feelings and memories that are coming now. for me, this is another good thing that comes from the movie: when we take the time to do an "inventory", think about our life , our choices, our hopes and our dreams. in the hectic life we lead nowadays, we rarely have the time for introspection. i guess the long, cold winter nights are just the right time to do that.  ;)

and most importantly - there are many people here you can talk to...we're happy to listen.  :)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Brokeback_1 on November 24, 2007, 05:32:51 AM
I have more regrets then you can shake a stick at, yet one needs to carry on, to get up and continue with life. The alternative is to live in a trackless thicket of sadness
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dejavu on November 24, 2007, 07:07:01 AM
not always has the impact of the movie to stir our lives in a new direction. sometimes, it might simply make us realize that we made the right decisions and it might may us realize how lucky and happy we are.

This is very true.  When I first walked in to see Brokeback, I felt pretty happy with my life.  But the movie was terribly sad, and I cried over it like most people here.  And kept crying over it, it just would not leave my mind.  I put myself in the place of the characters and felt so bad for them, I loved them, and understood their love for each other.  And then I was left with Ennis and the shirts.  Unquestionably, for me, the big emotion that I felt then was regret, and I thought (and still think) that that was one of the main messages of the movie.  Tell the people you love that you love them, while you have a chance, or you will regret it later.

But when someone asked me to try to figure out how that applied to my life, I really couldn't answer.  What did I regret?  Sure, I could have done a lot of things differently.  I could have avoided some relationships and situations that were painful or a waste of time.  Maybe I could have made other choices differently.  And maybe my current life was not perfect.  But in the end, after a lot of thinking, I realized that most of the decisions I had made had been the right decision, because of the way one thing leads to another.  If I hadn't done something that turned out unpleasant, I wouldn't have met a wonderful friend.  Or if I hadn't taken the "wrong" job, I wouldn't later have been offered the "right" one.  That sort of thing.

My life isn't perfect, but I do feel pretty happy and lucky, to use Martina's (desertrat's) words.

Mia, you are just beginning this process of analysis.  You are looking back at your past, and thinking about choices you made.  Perhaps you too will come to the end of this analysis and understand that those choices were the right ones, and that some of the people you no longer see are people who wouldn't have been right for you, anyway.

Hope you feel better as you go through all of this.   :-*    :-*    :-*
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on November 24, 2007, 03:10:36 PM


The words are hard for me to find.




Words don't come easy so many times, Mia

Your post is beautiful...

I think more answers will come to you on these long wintery nights.
It takes time, as when you're waiting for a flower to bloom....

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: annabirmingham on November 24, 2007, 04:13:30 PM
Hello all,

I first watched BBM on DVD a couple of months ago and have spent so much time reading other posts on this great forum that I have never got around to posting a bit about my reaction to the film.  :)

WELL... like many others here it hit me like a thunderbolt in the gut. Being a recently married, straight female in my early 30s, I was surprised at how I totally fell apart after watching the film. I became obsessed. Straight after the first viewing I went on the web, found this forum and was SO pleased to see that others felt the same and I wasn't totally crazy for crying like a baby. I watched BBM every night for a week (fortunately my husband was away!), then I bought the short story and the screenplay.

I'm still not 100% sure what it is about the story that gets to me so much, maybe it's the missed opportunities in life, the longing to re-live the carefree youth "where they owned the world and nothing seemed wrong" or simply the feeling of time passing by and being scared that life will be over before I've done what I want to do.

I also felt so terribly sorry for Jack and Ennis, and wished that I could have been there to be their friend and tell them that what they felt was ok, to hell with what the rest of the world thought. A connection like that doesn't happen every day and should be treasured.

The film made me retreat inside myself for quite a while, trying to analyse my life and my feelings - something I do a lot as I think far too much and don't say a lot - kinda like our Ennis I guess!

Good things? Well, it made me realise that I have a fantastic, supportive family and great husband (even though he won't watch BBM as he doesn't do romantic/emotional films unless they have guns, explosions or car chases....!!)

I have been inspired to 'seize the day' as Robin Williams would say, and have started to learn guitar - something I have always wanted to do.

The fabulous BBM screenplay has also sparked an interest in writing films, so I have also been reading up on how to get into this business and have started to write a screenplay (lots of ideas buzzing in my head!)

Finally, I have become a complete slash addict!!  >:D Something I sure never saw coming. I blame Jake and Heath ENTIRELY for that one!!  :D

Anyway, thanks for listening if you got this far, and I'll no doubt continue to lurk here for quite a while yet. This is a fabulous place and I continue to be amazed at how lovely people here are and how the film draws people together.

G x
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dejavu on November 24, 2007, 04:24:21 PM
Welcome, geminigirl, and thanks for that post.  You talk about both sides of the issue: feelings of sadness, mixed with thankfulness for what you have.  And you're like many of us in saying that the film has spurred you to try new things (the guitar, maybe film-writing) because the time is now, if ever.

People certainly do get drawn together here, and I hope this place leads you to make many new friends.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on November 24, 2007, 09:56:24 PM
Gemini Girl, thanks for taking the time to put your experience into words, and sharing it here with us.

Everyone has a different story here, but expresses the same thought.  They're glad they found a place with people who have experienced the same thing, and realized they're not alone.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Miaisland on November 25, 2007, 02:34:31 AM
This is a fabulous place and I continue to be amazed at how lovely people here are and how the film draws people together.

G x

Indeed!

Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. Wonderful to hear how the film inspired you!

Hugs!
Mia
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Miaisland on November 25, 2007, 02:51:52 AM
ALL human beings live with regret.  It is part of being human.  What we DO about it is what elevates us.  Processing the pain of regret, analyzing the whys and what ifs...I think that is the key to understanding.  For many, Brokebvack has become the vehicle for that analysis, the key in the lock, so to speak.

Thank you Chuck, Dal, Brokeback_1, Debbie, Jackie, Martina and Dahlia so much for your wonderful replies to my post. I keep them in my heart!

For me there is a theme of not showing emotions within the dream I told you about and my thoughts about the movie right now. For instance the leaving Brokeback scene.

Jacks way of packing tent and camp stuff, telling Ennis they have to leave, as if he was talking about the weather, without being upset or showing any sadness about it holds a key to me as it upsets me. Until this point we all know what Jack says about Aguirre. Now he doesn't, he even starts by telling Aguirre had good news about the uncle. And when Ennis gets upset there are still no reactions from Jack.

Ah, this was a good thing to put down in words. I suddenly realized I am too old and wise  ;D to stay upset, it's easy to forgive.

I wouldn't dare say anything about Ennis going away or the punch. But when I was in his age I know what I would do. The same as Ennis did in the movie but in a girlie way. I wouldn't REALLY want to sit by myself the way most men want to be left alone while figuring things out. And I would probably have scratched more than punched the moment I got noticed.

My dream reminded me of a time in my life when I had to learn not to show important feelings, or worse be embarrassed for having them. The dream was good as I had nothing to be embarrassed about or hide. And it had a happy ending.

I appreciate the understanding of the difficulties in struggling with darkness this time of the year. It will get easier when we start our annual rituals of fire... Hopefully we can persuade the sun to return after midwinter night as we and our ancestors has done before...
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Dal on November 25, 2007, 06:53:27 AM
Hopefully we can persuade the sun to return after midwinter night as we and our ancestors has done before...
If that persuasion requires a human sacrifice, may I suggest your old boy friend.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Miaisland on November 25, 2007, 06:55:25 AM
Hopefully we can persuade the sun to return after midwinter night as we and our ancestors has done before...
If that persuasion requires a human sacrifice, may I suggest your old boy friend.

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Charline on November 25, 2007, 08:51:22 AM
Thank you for your warm welcome and your kindness.

As I said in my first post I felt really confused by BBM and writting their story in my own words really help me : after posting and reading your answers, I felt relieved and finally manage to analyse what was going on with me and that movie, most of my emotion have been laid on paper (well screen...) and my brain was able to work a little bit better.

So here it is : as I said, I really love that movie but couldn't tell why I was so emotional about it. After seeing J&E story, I was myself stuck in Brokeback (which is to me the emotional place in the movie as it is where J&E can be quietly together and love each other), stuck in my emotional storm and afraid to find out that I have been fooling myself for years, that my life was nothing but a lie : I'm straight and married.

Writing made me feel better... and reading myself over a few days after made me understand why : if these lines were not on a BBM forum, it would be quite hard to say wether it is a homo or hetero story (which is especially true in this English version... the French one - my mothertongue - because of gender in some words has to reveal at the end that it is about a guy talking to a guy). To sum up : I was upset by the movie and I loved it because beyond a love between two guys, BBM is a true universal love story. When I see Jack and Ennis together, I don't see two guys, I see two persons in love, I see any couple, I see any relationship.

I don't see two rude cowboys, I see Ennis looking like a man but still being a kid, confused by his emotions, who can only talk with his body. I see Jack who is finally the only one who reads through Ennis and trying to comfort him.
And now I know why I love the scenes where J&E are together : beyond kiss and sex, there is in each of these scenes true couple relationship. To me, in the tent Jack is ready, not Ennis, Ennis is psychologically in pain, Jack knows it and take the physical pain and as they grab each other hand they go through their pains together... isn't it how any couple are (or should be), supportive. The scene when Ennis is coming to Jack, looking sorry, shy, afraid is all about one having doubts and fears and the other one standing right next to give comfort and love... that is any couple story. I can go like that through the whole movie.

I was confused about all this because I was expecting a gay cowboy movie and got, without knowing it first, a totally different story. This movie has so many layers, a thousand stories and metaphores in it : love story, a wrong time-wrong place story, a seize the day story, and so  on. The scenario is wonderful, the actors plays great, the pictures are just amazing, this movie is telling the most beautifull story without any flaws : everything is perfect and balanced. It is like no matter what is said (in word, picture or acting), there is a kind of opposite (like ying and yang) or metaphore saying it in another way : like intimacy in great outdoors, tough-guy-no-talks and emotion, or the way their shirts are on each other's. First it is Jack's on Ennis' (like J is protecting E, hugging him, cherishing their memories) but at the end Jack's is under Ennis' : Ennis will cherish their story the same way Jack did and even if it is sad because it is far much too late, it is a beautifull moment in the movie. It reminds of that perfect night where Ennis huggs Jack who is sleeping like a horse : that very moment Jack will die for years, Ennis being tender and accepting their relationship.

BBM is my favorite movie, now I know why. It says so well what I truly think : don't live in the past, cherish your memories, enjoy reminding them but go forward, tomorrow is always better than yesterday  :)

Just like to finish on Mia's message...

Charline!

I so want you to post your first posts. I think it will take four, before I can send a pm to you, and you can answer.
I want to do that!
I am also new here, six weeks only since this thing happened to me.

Hugs once again
Mia

I would love to answer but the message is not clear to me : I am sorry, I am not used to posting on forum (and English is not my mothertongue) and I don't understand the pm/answer part.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: chapeaugris on November 25, 2007, 09:03:11 AM
I would love to answer but the message is not clear to me : I am sorry, I am not used to posting on forum (and English is not my mothertongue) and I don't understand the pm/answer part.
Charline, n'hésite pas à poser tes questions sur le fonctionnement du forum sur le fil des francophones (French Speakers thread qui se trouve dans l"International Zone".)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Miaisland on November 25, 2007, 02:52:12 PM
Just like to finish on Mia's message...

Charline!

I so want you to post your first posts. I think it will take four, before I can send a pm to you, and you can answer.
I want to do that!
I am also new here, six weeks only since this thing happened to me.

Hugs once again
Mia

I would love to answer but the message is not clear to me : I am sorry, I am not used to posting on forum (and English is not my mothertongue) and I don't understand the pm/answer part.

I am sorry, your English seemed so much better than mine....

Your last post, and this one, was so nice. I want to talk to you more. And after four posts at the forum it is possible to send Pm's, personal messages. When I read your post I wanted to send a personal message to you. That is why I wanted you to post your four first posts at the forum. After that we all can send personal messages to you.

I want to talk to you more....

Hugs
Mia
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: JohnnyX on November 25, 2007, 04:11:04 PM
Thank you for your warm welcome and your kindness.
...

I would love to answer but the message is not clear to me : I am sorry, I am not used to posting on forum (and English is not my mother tongue) and I don't understand the pm/answer part.


Hello again Charline.
Thank you again for a most moving and INSIGHTFUL posting. Your summaries are masterful.

Just a quick reply to your note to Miaisland above, about PMs.
PM stands for Personal Message.
There is a facility on this forum to be able to send PRIVATE personal messages to any other member of this forum, and similarly to receive messages from them.
In fact, I THINK that even now you can probably RECEIVE personal messages from others; but you cannot yet SEND any until you have made 4 public postings to the forum.
(This was brought in to counter some spamming problems at one stage).

When you first log in to the forum, up near the top of the page (but below the Dave Cullen mountain photo, on the left-hand side, there is a rectangular box with a small heading saying "User Info".
Then inside that box it says something like:  "Hey, Charline, you have xxx messages, x are new."
IF you CLICK with your left-hand mouse button on that underlined message, the system should take you to the "PM" or "Personal Messages" area, where you can read any messages coming in to you, and where you can write and post your own personal messages to other members -- after you have made those 4 first posts.
Sadly, these days that can be a slow process at times, but be patient with it, and it will usually work for you.

I hope that this is a bit clearer for you.
I hope that you and Mia will soon have a wonderful friendship and discussion with each other via PMs, and that you might have the same with many other forum members.
But please also keep posting in here your thoughts and feelings about how Brokeback is affecting you; as they are a delight to read.

Best wishes on your exciting new journey in this "home" of many wonderful people.
JohnnyX.



Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: freetraveller on November 25, 2007, 04:13:42 PM
Welcome geminigirl, charline, to the discussion.  :)

Mia, your post was so moving, I hope to read more of your posts  :)

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on November 26, 2007, 01:39:38 AM
I'm still not 100% sure what it is about the story that gets to me so much, maybe it's the missed opportunities in life, the longing to re-live the carefree youth "where they owned the world and nothing seemed wrong" or simply the feeling of time passing by and being scared that life will be over before I've done what I want to do.



This is very well said, and it applies to me as well, 100%!
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on November 26, 2007, 01:44:03 AM

I would love to answer but the message is not clear to me : I am sorry, I am not used to posting on forum (and English is not my mothertongue) and I don't understand the pm/answer part.

Charline, let me too welcome you and hug you!

Your English is fine, it is not my mothertongue as well, I never posted in a forum before this one, just like you....

Don't worry, keep on posting....
After you have posted for 5 times you will be allowed to send (and receive) Personal Messages from other forum members

For any question feel free to ask, you'll have a world of support here, I can guarantee this!! :)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: davinhci on November 26, 2007, 07:33:05 AM
ok, i'ma share somethin' too: I hate romantic movie/novel, or any kind of media about love cuz it seems so superficial onscreen.  BUT this is the first time that i really enjoy a romantic drama movie .  I also NEVER watch a movie twice, only buy DVDs of movies that I haven't seen because it's just boring to me to rewatch it.  6 times watching this movie!!! I was surprise @ myself!!  I also don't get people who can cry watching a movie/book/music, cuz i NEVER done that, i think those people are just too weak, too dramatic (sorry any1 I offended).  The second time i watch BBM, i cry (cuz now i can understand more the symbolism, the themes), the third, cry, the fourth, cry. Did i mention i cry when thinks about it? yup yup.   Also, NO movie mades me thinks about it for WEEKS, i usually forgot about a movie the next day.  I always into Academy-Award movie because I want to see how good it is , not block-buster trashy comedy, but none of all the movies I've watched can HAUNT me like this 1.  Like it seriously Haunt me!  lol.  My favorite scene will always be when Jack said to Ennis "You know it could always be like this, always, we can have a calf-and-cow operation, it'll be a sweet life".  So simple a dream, yet so unattinable! Doesn't that just sum up every1 feeling when they're in love?  "it COULD always be like this, always".
crap, i cry thinking about it again.  It likes after watching a scary movie, it HAUNT u for days, but ur glad that you get the chance to see it, but then you wish that you haven't, beacause now ur having these new feelings.  u know?         
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dejavu on November 26, 2007, 07:37:56 AM
Hi, davinhci

Yes, I know.  You say what many of us feel, it haunts us each time we see it.

Nice to have you here.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: JohnnyX on November 26, 2007, 09:16:59 AM
"You know it could always be like this, always, we can have a calf-and-cow operation, it'll be a sweet life".  So simple a dream, yet so unattinable! Doesn't that just sum up every1 feeling when they're in love?  "it COULD always be like this, always".
crap, i cry thinking about it again.  It likes after watching a scary movie, it HAUNT u for days, but ur glad that you get the chance to see it, but then you wish that you haven't, because now ur having these new feelings.  u know?         

Hello Davinhci, and WELCOME to our huge CLUB of people who have been greatly moved by this film.

Most of the feelings which you describe in your last sentence above, I think describe what almost every one of us has felt also.  And like you, for many of us, no other film has ever moved us in this way. That is why it is so wonderful for us to have this forum to come to, and to meet so many other people who KNOW exactly how we have felt ourselves; and that gives us a sense of closeness to each other.

I also love the first quote of yours above. I had never thought about it before in that way, but you are correct, that LOVE does indeed give us that feeling -- that it could ALWAYS be this way. Sadly for almost all of us, other things happen to change our relationships, so that we lose that initial feeling; but if we are lucky, it might be replaced by something almost as nice.

After reading your posting here, I looked at your other postings on the forum, and saw that you mentioned disappointment that Jack and Ennis never verbally said, each to the other: I love you.

Davinhci: at that time, we had not been brought up to say such things to each other -- especially if it was from one male to another male. Usually it was only said between boyfriend and girlfriend in the early days of their love. 

BUT NOW we live in different times, when psychologists have taught us that we should verbalise these feelings between people. That is only a RECENT phenomenon, and was not generally done in the 1960s -- especially in the lower and working classes which Jack and Ennis came from. 

So, I do not need for them to SAY that they love each other. They each KNOW that the other one loves him. Hell, they had 20 years of brief meetings together, to know that what they felt for each other was MORE than lust.

In that reunion scene in the motel when Ennis said that it took him a year to realise that he should never have let Jack out of his sight -- THAT was his way of saying "I LOVE YOU". In effect he was saying. that about a year later he realised that he loved Jack. If he had said then to Jack, "I love you", I believe that it would not have warmed Jack's heart any more than did the words which he did say then. 

I know that this is a hard concept for younger people to grasp who are brought up in today's world when EVERYONE says "I love you" -- in fact I believe that the phrase has been cheapened by such over-use -- but I believe that until that fact can be grasped, then part of the true meaning of the film is being lost. 

We only have to LOOK at the looks which they give to each other in the film, to read their body-language towards each other, to look at what they DO FOR each other, to realise that each of these is a sign of LOVE.

Thank you for posting here Davinhci, and I hope that we might get to read more of your thoughts on here about how BBM has Affected you.  Good luck on this new journey. JohnnyX.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on November 26, 2007, 09:04:39 PM
Davinhci,

Welcome home.  For this is a place where you can come to deal with the issues that the film has led you to , and know you are in a protected and loving environment.  We are here for you, if you want.  It is wonderful to have you here.

-Jackie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: ayuni on November 27, 2007, 02:07:03 AM
welcome Charline and Davinhci,
So many of us share your feelings. You can feel right at home here.

Here I thought that I was finally getting over it, but then I listened to Coldplay's warning-sign and thoughts of Jack and Ennis filled my head and tears filled my eyes... yet again.

F****ING  &^$(&%^$*(%$!!!!

I just can't seem to get it out of my system :'(
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: john john on November 27, 2007, 08:12:29 AM
Hi Ayuni, I agree with you, Coldplay's Warning Sign always reminds me of Ennis and Jack.

....
A warning sign
You came back to haunt me and I realized
That you were an island and I passed you by
And you were an island to discover
......

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: ayuni on November 27, 2007, 11:42:32 PM
It's always a pleasure to meet someone who knows Coldplay's earlier songs.  :)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on November 28, 2007, 01:20:27 AM
I think I played it 10 times in my mp3 reader yesterday, and just posted the YouTube link to a friend of mine....

I gotta tell you what a state I'm in.....
I gotta tell you in my loudest tones.....
that I miss you so bad....
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: ayuni on November 28, 2007, 01:32:16 AM
yay! maybe we can open a Coldplay thread?  ;D

BBM and coldplay go hand in hand. Both make you cry on the spot ;D

(have you heard the song before? or just now?)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on November 28, 2007, 01:35:24 AM
I listened to the 'Rush of Blood' CD a few weeks ago...

Come on in the music thread, then Ayuni  ;)

Coldplay arent very much played there...
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: ayuni on November 28, 2007, 01:49:01 AM
listen to their first album, Parachutes.
Their best work, in my opinion.
now back to topic...
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Charline on November 28, 2007, 03:43:19 AM
For me that video is one of my favorite : Kissing you & BBM, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6VcVQ1Xjm0&feature=user

I also enjoy Groovy kind of love one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=00Aa6FPvEC8&feature=user but Kissing you is definitively better :)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Kiseki on November 28, 2007, 09:55:02 AM
Hi there.  I joined this forum just so I could post "my Brokeback story."  I feel like I need to get it off my chest to others who might understand.

I am a gay female.  I've known it since I was 18, no problem there, but I'd never been in love before.  Until now.  It happened not in the best way.  It probably shouldn't have happened at all.  I fell for one of my students...adult, don't worry!  She and I became friends really quickly and, though she still was my student, it was obvious we were more than that to each other.  As the months went by we got closer and closer, both physically and emotionally.  Nothing sexual happened, but you know how it is when there is SO much energy between two people.  You just can't stop touching each other.  When talking, you stand so close you can feel each other's breath.  You write intimate things to each other.  You stare across the room with the sweetest smile, hoping the other will look. And when they do, you just keep smiling and cock your head in their direction. You lock hands, if only for a moment. But many times. You say: "I wanted to see you."

Well, that was how it was between us.  We loved each other, quite simply, though it was never said.

But I knew nothing would ever come of it.  Her culture wouldn't allow it.  Probably she didn't even know what her feelings for me meant.  And she had a BF.   Still, I loved being around her so much.  I wanted it to last forever, even if it was a lie.

Then something terrible happened.  Her BF's father died.  From that point she started pulling farther and farther away.  We would barely see each other.  Once a week went to once a month.  She refused to talk about her feelings, though I only wanted to comfort her.  I could see it in her eyes too, that secretly she had so much she wanted to say but never could.  It wasn't what people did in her country.  I asked her so many times why she was pulling away. She only told me she was busy but that I shouldn't worry. She "really liked me." "I really like you."

I cried so much for her.  I never wanted her to be in pain.  I only hoped she would open up to me, but she was too much like Ennis.  She kept it all inside.

After a while she came around again.  She would ask me to do things with her, but back out at the last minute.  Then she gave my heart the knife it was waiting for.  She told me she missed her family and was gonna move back to her hometown for 6 months.  I wouldn't see her again.

The last time I saw her was 3 months ago.  I guess subconsciously I knew she was fading away from me.  I asked her:  "When will I see you again?"  She gave me a look and replied:  "I don't know."  I said:  "Someday?  In the future?"  Her eyes clouded over and she said: "Someday."  I got on the train, went home and cried.  I couldn't stop crying and I promised myself that I would tell her how I felt.  That I loved her.  I didn't wanna have any regrets.

So 2 weeks later I told her.  She thanked me for being honest with her.  She told me she would still be my friend, but didn't have the confidence to talk with me like before.  Then she suggested we email while she was away.  That was 2 months ago and I've gotten maybe 6 sentences from her,  I've been trying so hard to act like everything is okay, but she wont speak to me.  She won't even write me.  I don't know what I can do to keep her from being afraid.  I know that is the only reason she ignores me, because she loves me.  I know it.  I feel it in every part of me.

Everyday hurts so much.  I can't stop my feelings for her.  I can't stop loving her though she continues to hurt me.  I wish I knew how to quit her, but I don't.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: jack on November 28, 2007, 01:36:51 PM
darlin...

you have NO idea how many of us have walked that mile in those moccasins.

my best take on it.  treasure the feeling of merging souls.a;beit it incomplete or unconsumated.  it only happens a few times in a lifetime.  then let it go.  it may return with another, or the dawn may come for your beloved.  you have little or no input on either event.

jack
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Kiseki on November 28, 2007, 05:22:11 PM
Thank you, Jack.  I'm trying to do that now, but that's what hurts the most: knowing I no longer have any control.  In the past she would do anything I asked or suggested.  I know it was only cuz she wanted to please me.  And if I was ever hurt or upset she would immedately respond.  Now there's nothing.

I don't know what happened.  I wish we lived in a different world.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: JohnnyX on November 28, 2007, 07:34:49 PM
Hello Kiseki.
As Jack says: so many of us KNOW your pain. Sure that does not lessen it at all; but it is a comfort to know that others do truly know it.

From my subjective perspective though, you are fortunate in that you at least DID have that time spent in her physical company. In my situation, our love blossomed on-line, and I have never known his touch -- just continually ached for it, and fantasised about it.  Also, you have a sort of invitation to be in e-mail contact with her, which has been denied to me.

Given that you do have even brief and spasmodic e-mail contact with her, I feel that you could at least pour out your heart to her in some e-mails. At least that way YOU will know that YOU have communicated your thoughts and feelings to her, so that she is under no misapprehension about any aspect of them. If possible, try to word them as factual statements of your feelings, and your thoughts, rather than as requests to re-unite.  Given the situation as you describe it, I doubt that that will change her actions at all, but at least YOU have done all that you can under the circumstances to share your thoughts and feelings with her.

From what you say, it would seem that she is also under tremendous pressure, at least cultural, if not more than that, to conform to a heterosexual choice. It could also be that she is bi-sexual, rather than homosexual, in which case she might not want a homosexual commitment such as you might envisage.  It could also be that she has a strong urge to be a mother, and feels that this can only best be done in a heterosexual relationship.  So many IFs.

Thank you for sharing your heartbreak with us in here. It is great that you joined up so that you could reach out to us. I feel sure that many of your sisters in here will also extend their hands to you.  Hope so.   Best wishes on your sorrowful and hurtful journey; and may the messages from Brokeback eventually bring you some consolation.   Regards: JohnnyX.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Kiseki on November 28, 2007, 07:45:51 PM
Thank you, Johnny :)  Everyone here seems so kind and understanding.  I appreciate it so much.  I've also experienced online love.  It was so painful too when she "broke up" with me.  Relationships for me are mostly emotional, not physical, but I know how much you must long for your love to be there in person.

I have done all you suggested already. I told her how much she was hurting me, how much I cared for her, and that I was willing to wait to speak to her if she wasn't ready yet.  At first she told me she was so sorry for hurting me and that she was also hurting too.  But now I think it may all just be too much for her. 

Being gay in this society (Asia) is not really an option for her.  She loves her family deeply and she wants to be a mother and wife, just as you said.  I just want her to be happy, with or without me.  In my opinion, and all of my friends' who have met her, she "adored" me.  Whether or not that means she is gay or just gay for me I don't know.  My feeling is she is repressing a lot.  Probably not just her sexuality.  Like Ennis she doesn't discuss her feelings.  If something hurts her she tries to avoid it.  When her BF's dad died, her BF wasn't around and she was feeling his pain. She told me she was just going to work 24-7 so she wouldn't have to think about it.  That's just what she did too.

I really pray she can open herself up to life in the future.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: JohnnyX on November 28, 2007, 07:47:05 PM
Hello All.  Sorry to be hogging the board, but I just received this verse, and felt that it is just so appropriate to how bbm affected us.  enjoy it.  JohnnyX.


The Clock of Life


The clock of life is wound but once, And no man has the power.
 
To tell just when the hands will stop At late or early hour.
 
Now is the only time you own. Live, love, toil with a will.
 
Place no faith in time. For the clock may soon be still.


Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: desertrat on November 29, 2007, 06:30:58 AM
welcome, kiseki!
one of the worst pains ever in this world is unrequited love. whatever the reason that the person we love with all our heart can't or won't return our feelings. "losing our heart" is meant quite literally - once lost, it is with the person we love. and we can't just "call it back" to us.
i'm so sorry that you have to live without her, especially without her friendship now....but you never know what's going to happen in the future. she knows that you love her, and hopefully she knows that this won't change. so, if one day, she is able to return your feelings she knows where to go...
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on November 29, 2007, 02:57:28 PM

So 2 weeks later I told her.  She thanked me for being honest with her.  She told me she would still be my friend, but didn't have the confidence to talk with me like before.  Then she suggested we email while she was away.  That was 2 months ago and I've gotten maybe 6 sentences from her,  I've been trying so hard to act like everything is okay, but she wont speak to me.  She won't even write me.  I don't know what I can do to keep her from being afraid.  I know that is the only reason she ignores me, because she loves me.  I know it.  I feel it in every part of me.

Everyday hurts so much.  I can't stop my feelings for her.  I can't stop loving her though she continues to hurt me.  I wish I knew how to quit her, but I don't.

Dear Kiseki.......

I am feeling what you feel. Only, in my case, it's not about a lover, it's about a friend. But the grief is just the same.
He won't speak to me.....He won't write to me....In 2 months, he wrote me once, to say......he misses me (!). And that's IT.

Many times I thought to delete his msn account from my list, so to avoid checking to see if he's online everytime I turn the computer on....But I don't have the strength to do it.

I, too, think that for him to face me would mean to look too deeply inside himself...and he's not ready to do it.

What the future will bring to us, I cannot tell.
But I think Jack (as always   :-*......) is right; let's treasure love. It always teaches us something.

Dahlia
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Kiseki on November 29, 2007, 04:59:55 PM
Everyone, thank you so much for your replies.  Things seems to be looking up today.  She wrote me back and actually she apologized for not writing me.  Then she acknowledged what I'd written her and answered my questions.  Maybe she just needs more time.

Well, I'm gonna try to keep our friendship.  I can be patient.  I think she really is just fighting herself right now.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on November 30, 2007, 12:50:17 AM
This is wonderful, Kiseki.

Patience and time...and hope.....yes. I'm sure you'll have your reward in the end. Give her trust. Let her feel you're on her side, and that at the same time you're not invading her life, until she's ready.

((((hugs))))

Dahlia
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: jack on November 30, 2007, 02:48:00 AM
a word of caution...

by all means take all appropriate actions, and refrain from pressuring; but most of all, don't invest in any particular end result.  that can only result in frustration and poor choices.  trust what ever you believe in that guides your destiny and stay out of its way. 

it is said...

be careful what you pray for, you just might get it.

and those of us who have had that occur can say amen.

jack
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on November 30, 2007, 03:00:07 PM
by all means take all appropriate actions, and refrain from pressuring; but most of all, don't invest in any particular end result.  that can only result in frustration and poor choices.  trust what ever you believe in that guides your destiny and stay out of its way. 


This reminds me of my yoga teacher. 'The asana makes itself. Don't pursue it.'

A part of me says 'yes'.
Another part of me wants to fight with teeth and nails to get to the purpose.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on November 30, 2007, 03:25:27 PM

The words are hard for me to find.


Mia, again about your post. Words are hard for me too. It took me days to write this, as you can see.
Actually, it took me more than a year.

Some of the things I'm writing now, I've already said, in the forum on in some PM.
So, sorry if I repeat something, but it seems I need to go in circles, getting closer and closer - maybe - to the core.
And sorry if it's too long.

I saw the movie much earlier than you, right when it was first shown here – Jan 2006 – I was expecting it so much, because of the Golden lion it won, because I love Ang Lee….I wasn’t expecting the impact it had on me.
 
Shortly after that, I bought the short story; it’s very different from the movie, and very tough. I can see that you might not be ready to ‘take it in’ yet, ‘cause it really stabs a knife into your heart. I read it very very slowly, few pages a day, re-reading each and every one of them many times before going on, also because Proulx’s language is not so easy for us foreigners. I read other stories from her, by the way, and some of them are incredibly hard: so much pain there, almost unbearable. I cried all my tears on that book, needless to say.
 
At the same time I had found this forum, and was amazed to see how many people felt the way I felt, expressed MY feelings with exact words. But I didn’t really immerse myself in the forum, unlike you - it took me 1 year and a half to get to 300 posts !!!!! I guess I had to keep that distance, I took it all very slowly, I was scared.
 
To me, the first thing was sex. The movie brought me back to the time I first was in love with my – now – husband, and renewed that ardour. I realized I had put it ‘in the background’ so to speak, while it really is the first and most important thing in my life. At the same time, I found out how relieved and happy I was to be able to talk about sex with strangers, and especially with gay persons. I am straight, but always felt uncomfortable with stereotypes and sexual roles; towards gays I feel a deep empathy and affection - and ....something very close to envy at times. I wouldn’t know exactly how to explain that; it’s as if I feel they ‘walked a line’, they had a special perception of things. And I had the luck (the fate?) to meet Martin in the ‘Ignorant Girls’ thread. Martin600 his forum name. The people who most often talked with him (Imjackshesennis/Heidi, Brokaholic/Alice) have left the forum for different reasons. He was the one with whom I shared, from whom I learnt, the fun, the enthusiasm and the openness. I talked with him from April to August 2006, until one Saturday morning instead of receiving an email from him I got one from his family telling me he had died. He had cancer, never told me. He had given them instructions to send letters to his friends when the event happened.
Like he used to say ‘I wish I had this movie, and this forum, 10 years before’. I would have met him in person…our lives would have been different. The other thing he said was that BBM was the story of his life....and it turned out it really was....right to the end.

The second thing – interconnected with the first one - was the feeling of  lost opportunities. It took me much longer to see it was there. I realized how many times I gave up things I loved – turned out people’s invitations, and offers of friendship – from people for whom I really cared; but I wasn’t able to let them in. I built walls around me, built a comfortable, protected and regular life. The ‘why’ is still very painful to look at. Despite this, my life was extraordinarily kind with me, it gave me the man I love – who is right here at my side – a nice family, and two beautiful sons.

The third and final thing is the thought of the end and of death. The sense that this is gonna last for a while....and then like everything else, it’ll have an end. When? How?

What’s amazing, once again, is that this forum is such a living thing. It never became a habit for me. Many times I already thought ‘ok now, what I could have from here, I have got, and there’s no point in going on’ and then something different took place and changed my point of view.
This time it’s you, Mia – without you I don’t think I would have written this – and (strange as it may seem) it’s the music thread - but that's OT here.

And for me too, there have been so many nights in which I couldn't sleep...
What can I say more? That I hope it makes any sense, because I'm in the middle of this and still don't have the calm and detachment to see where it's leading.

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Miaisland on November 30, 2007, 04:35:11 PM
Oh, Dahlia, you made me cry.

I am beyond words... Later, will write more later... But right now I need to thank you for your wonderful words. And for sharing your thoughts, all of this, here. You are a wonderful woman.

With all my heart, thank you.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: brokebackLJ on December 03, 2007, 10:45:47 AM
Well, here I am...again. The last time I was regularly posting was back in April of 2006. A whole year an a half has gone by and to be quite honest it feels like a lifetime. There is so much that has happened between then and now, I'm not quite sure where to begin.

After the initial onslaught of Brokeback back in early '06, I was changed. Something moved within me. Yet, I fell deeply in love with a boy who I know would never love me back. I put myself through that, partly because I was chasing a fantasy. It wasn't real. It was in my head and it killed me. After being so moved by Brokeback I doomed myself to relive the movie, to feel the pain that Jack and Ennis felt. Like the 19 year old I was then, I didn't learn anything. The girl who he was with at the time, who was my friend first, ended up hating me. The guy and I lost touch after he got heavily involved with the girl. I have no one to blame, but myself.

The guy and I never talked about it. I was too afraid. Only a year later was I able to put my feelings in to something more, but only through e-mail. I never asked him if he felt that way towards me. Even now, I know that somewhere he did. But he was afraid. And it's not my job to give him the self-awareness I have. I wanted to be accepted and validated as a man. Somewhere inside if he loved me back, I would be good enough.

All I know truly is that I just wanted to fall in love. I wanted to feel. I felt I was becoming jaded. I was becoming that New Yorker gay who was used to covering himself up...I thought I was baring it all at that point. Truth was, it was just another version of me that I was trying to create. We spend a lot of our lives living in different masks. A lot of gay men create personas from themselves and then never get to know who they truly are. I lost myself there. I wore a cowboy hat and the flannel and the jeans. I drowned myself in Brokeback.

As winter faded in to summer, I went back and watched Brokeback again. Nothing. I tried to recapture the glory, the light, the part of my soul that was opened up...but I closed it. I did myself in. Old habits die hard. I disconnected.

A year went by. I made a best girl friend. My student theatre company was taking off on campus. I thought I was on top. Yet, looking back to late 2006...I wasn't me. Again, I was trying to be someone else. I was trying to fit a mold. I was hiding who I was and not recognizing it. Further in I went. This best girl friend of mine found a boyfriend. She slowly cut me out. No need for me after someone who could love her and make love to her. It hurt. It was a huge blowout fight, the effects of which I'm still reeling with. I felt unimportant. Useless. Twice in a row I threw myself blindly in to a relationship, too trusting, too vulnerable.

Then 2007 happened.
I stopped smoking cigarettes. I quit smoking pot. I started caring how I looked again. I dropped friends who were pulling me down with their negativity. I was finding myself. I woke up with positive energies and was putting my best foot forward. 2006 and Brokeback were behind me, now. I knew I was on the verge of figuring something out.

Then I found him. I sit before you now, typing this and I can't even put it into words. His name is Joshua John. He's the most amazing, wonderful, giving man that I have ever met. He has treated me like no one else has and has truly become my heart. He is the first member of my family that I know will take me through life. I am 21 but I can say with confidence that this man I will know all my life. He's held me when I needed to cry and listened to me when I needed to talk. He's given me love and support that I have never received in my life, from anyone, including my family. He's healed me, in a way. At first it was difficult to open up and let him in. It's been difficult for him to do the same for me, but we are committed to doing this together. We are growing together and it is the greatest feeling in the world.

I consider myself a lonely soul. I don't get along with my family as they are content with inventing the past and ignoring the pain they inflicted upon me. I dropped a lot of friends out of my life for lack of real connection. I am self-aware to a fault and sometimes people don't like other people exposing feelings that they don't want to deal with.

I know in part this is because I'm dealing with the S word. Yes, shame. Shame haunts most of us as gay men, who grow up feeling that there is something wrong with us that we cannot fix. Well, I vowed to fix it. With Joshua John by my side, I'm searching within myself to find the man that I'm going to be.

It's really tough work. We have to go back and reassess situations within ourselves and take the anger and turn it to sadness. There we can find truth and peace. I'm dealing with a lot of rage issues. Like most gay men, the moment I am invalidated the "velvet rage" sparks within me and I blow up. It's anger that has been pent up for years and years and I'm working hard to relieve it.

I'm going Back to Brokeback. I'm a senior now and I'm graduating in May. To complete requirements we must do a final project known as "senior work." I decided to create my own one-man show and what I'm doing is going in to "Brokeback and Beyond," taking stories from it, threading them together and creating a show. I know that I will be revisiting something I put to rest, but now I will truly uncover Brokeback and get to the bottom of it. This project will be a culmination of my college years and since Brokeback happened firmly in my sophomore year, it's quite relevant.

I'm scared and nervous, but I know that there are good things out there for me. Joshua John is just proof that there are open, caring, loving men in this world and I'm so lucky to know him. Brokeback has affected me and I can't wait to let it happen again two years wiser, on the verge of adulthood and maturity.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on December 03, 2007, 11:34:23 AM
What a wonderful and uplifting post. Thank you so much for making me smile..for sharing your heart and soul for us to see. good things will surely happen for you...you MUST keep that "high" you have now,that positive energy is what keeps those doors open...the past is just that...the past.

2008 is going to be better for you..keep up the good work and the best to you on your final project. People are going to see that shining star!!

Nellie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on December 03, 2007, 06:49:17 PM
LJ!

It's good to read this post!  I'm so glad that you have made changes that you felt were necessary, and found someone who is so special to you!

Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Kiseki on December 03, 2007, 09:07:53 PM
LJ, I hope I can find what you have someday!  Joshua sounds so wonderful.  Don't worry about your insecurites and shame.  Love conquers all!

For now, I've decided to let my girl go.  I can't keep my feelings for her and keep myself intact.  I won't quit her but I need to stop hurting so much.  Whatever is meant to be will be.  I hope she regrets what she has done as much I regret losing her.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: killersmom on December 03, 2007, 09:23:08 PM
LJ!

So fantastic to see you again and know that your life is so good and you are in such a good spot now.
Good for you, fantastic for you both,

I so appreciate you filling us in on your year and a half. I am truly happy for you and I know you both, with lots of work and communication, understanding and loving, have a great future together.

I am so very happy for you both!

Linda
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: desertrat on December 04, 2007, 02:38:32 AM
dahlia,
i still remember martin with good, warm memories. those who we remember will never really be gone.

i hear you about lost opportunities. so often  we return back to past moments, reliving them again and again and again, because we'd like to change the decisions we made, make it better. but there is no use in doing that. we are not able to change the past. however, while dwelling on the past we might miss chances we have HERE and NOW. don't turture yourself over past things - do what you want NOW. your life is never predetermined. in every second of your life, you have so many options to chose from. enjoy the freedom !  ;)

brokebackLJ, congratulations on finding love! life is so much easier to take on if you share it with kindred soul... :)
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: paintedshoes on December 04, 2007, 11:19:04 AM
LJ,

How wonderful to read of your newfound love, and personal strength.  Good for you.  It's so lovely to have you back home, where you belong, too. 

Hugs,
Jackie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mainebartender on December 04, 2007, 08:19:31 PM
Hello fellow Brokies!

This thread is a continuation of the original "How Brokeback Affected Me" thread.  Please use this thread to post your thoughts about how you were affected by this film.  The thoughts you had, the emotions you felt, and the actions you took.

Can you divide your life into chapters titled "Before Brokeback" and "After Brokeback"?  Have you made small changes, large changes, no changes?

Tell us about it.

  Where to start, folks , where to start.  I have not posted in a year or better,mostly due to work and family time constraints.  All I can add to anything here is after seing"Brokeback" there was no turning back, never saying I can't do that, never being afraid or at least not letting my fear stop me, never turning a deaf ear or ignoring something that needed my attention.  Always lending a hand or an ear or shoulder.  Taking time for me, because without me there is nothing I can give to others.  I also relearned that I was born, as we all are, as part of a giant extended family.  You don't have to like the people you work with but you DO have to help them when they need it.
    There is no doubt that the movie changed my life..and still is.   Every time I go out with friends and have a drink or two, my silent toast is always to Jack Twist...silent not bacause I don't want to explain or am ashamed of doing it..silent because it is my way of saying thank you and a personal reminder to be true to myself..no lying,no games, no being silent when I have somwthing to say.
     Hope this finds everyone in good spirits and happy as you want to be.

                                TO JACK TWIST

                                     Dale
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Miaisland on December 05, 2007, 01:44:09 AM
I'm scared and nervous, but I know that there are good things out there for me. Joshua John is just proof that there are open, caring, loving men in this world and I'm so lucky to know him. Brokeback has affected me and I can't wait to let it happen again two years wiser, on the verge of adulthood and maturity.


Thank you so much brokebackLJ. You wrote about finding yourself and love in a way that gave hope.  The way you deal with things now, daring to write it down, to talk about shame, to turn anger into sadness and the courage to create your own one-man show makes you a very special person, a role model to me and others.


Taking time for me, because without me there is nothing I can give to others.  I


This is so true. Thank you mainebartender.
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: CellarDweller115 on December 06, 2007, 10:59:02 AM
Where to start, folks , where to start.  I have not posted in a year or better,mostly due to work and family time constraints.  All I can add to anything here is after seing"Brokeback" there was no turning back, never saying I can't do that, never being afraid or at least not letting my fear stop me, never turning a deaf ear or ignoring something that needed my attention.  Always lending a hand or an ear or shoulder.  Taking time for me, because without me there is nothing I can give to others.  I also relearned that I was born, as we all are, as part of a giant extended family.  You don't have to like the people you work with but you DO have to help them when they need it.
    There is no doubt that the movie changed my life..and still is.   Every time I go out with friends and have a drink or two, my silent toast is always to Jack Twist...silent not bacause I don't want to explain or am ashamed of doing it..silent because it is my way of saying thank you and a personal reminder to be true to myself..no lying,no games, no being silent when I have somwthing to say.
     Hope this finds everyone in good spirits and happy as you want to be.

                                TO JACK TWIST

                                     Dale


Good to see you back, MB!!! 
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: mcnell1120 on December 14, 2007, 03:11:47 PM
I saw this in the Christmas thread...I couldn't help but to share it with you guys...the words are beautiful..so meaningful...and during this time of year things can get rough for a few folks out there... but life moves on,it has to..there's a reason why we're all here..there's a reason why we met...there's a reason for the sadness we must endure...but we have each other,and for me,that's good enough reason..

Thanks Adrian..for this clip :-*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmY8W9nMjJs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmY8W9nMjJs)

Nellie
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Zudos on December 14, 2007, 03:50:53 PM
Thats beautiful Nellie...

I am so grateful for you and others here who are very very special to me, and I could not do without at any time of year....

 :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* 
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: MaineGirl on December 15, 2007, 10:08:51 AM
Thank you , Nellie, for sharing that.  It is beautiful. 

I, too, am thankful for having found all of you here...........
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: dahlia on December 15, 2007, 10:20:19 AM
...and during this time of year things can get rough for a few folks out there,including myself... but life moves on,it has to..there's a reason why we're all here..there's a reason why we met...there's a reason for the sadness we must endure...but we have each other,and for me,that's good enough reason..



 :-* (((Nellie)))
Title: Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
Post by: Trigger Hippie on December 17, 2007, 04:37:43 AM

So 2 weeks later I told her.  She thanked me for being honest with her.  She told me she would still be my friend, but didn't have the confidence to talk with me like before.  Then she suggested we email while she was away.  That was 2 months ago and I've gotten maybe 6 sentences from her,  I've been trying so hard to act like everything is okay, but she wont speak to me.  She won't even write me.  I don't know what I can do to keep her from being afraid.  I know that is the only reason she ignores me, because she loves me.  I know it.  I feel it in every part of me.

Everyday hurts so much.  I can't stop my feelings for her.  I can't stop loving her though she continues to hurt me.  I wish I knew how to quit her, but I don't.

Dear Kiseki.......

I am feeling what you feel. Only, in my case, it's not about a lover, it's about a friend. But the grief is just the same.
He won't speak to me.....He won't write to me....In 2 months, he wrote me once, to say......he misses me (!). And that's IT.

Many times I thought to delete his msn account from my list, so to avoid checking to see if he's online everytime I turn the computer on....But I don't have the strength to do it.

I, too, think that for him to face me would mean to look too deeply inside himself...and he's not ready to do it.

What the future will bring to us, I cannot tell.
But I think Jack (as always   :-*......) is right; let's treasure love. It always teaches us something.

Dahlia

There is a phrase, originating from Richard Bach (US Writer) that is one of those things that I hold dear after I learnt a big lesson in life:

"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were."

on the face of it, it seems brutal and difficult to do, b