The Ultimate Brokeback Forum

Author Topic: Caring for others with chronic illnesses  (Read 149671 times)

Nick_F

  • Guest
Re: Caring for others with chronic illnesses
« Reply #15 on: June 06, 2006, 08:26:20 AM »

I have  a sister who takes over when I need a break. The less said about my brother the better.

Mum handles it all quite well I suppose, but is very frustrated at being such a burden.

at least you're not completely along in that...i remember the story about your brother, no explanation needed  :(

it must be insanely frustrating to entirely rely on others...however, it happens to young people as well (after accidents,..). does she live with you ?

Yes we live together. Makes some things easier, somethings harder.

Offline mcnell1120

  • Vida Loca
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 28784
  • Footsteps in my life....leave memories in my heart
Re: Caring for others with chronic illnesses
« Reply #16 on: June 06, 2006, 08:49:26 AM »
My gosh......these threads are popping all over...my heart aches for all you guys dealing with all this....it really does. These are our crosses we bare sort of speak and it fucking sucks!!!  I respect all of you.

My mom suffers from back pain as well.She used to be able to do just about anything. When I was a teenager my mom was scrubbing the back stairs and fell down the flights. She has never been the same. Has had an operation for the herniated discs she had.....now the nerves are wrapped around them as they healed and being 70 years old,they don't recommend any more surgery. She has gone thru accu puncture and all sorts of meds...nothing works...now her depression is more noticeable. She always looked for my daily visits and would vent. Now that I moved further away and she no longer watches my kids,she is is worse shape sometimes...I see her aging more..I take her shopping all the time and it's an all day thing. Her legs give out on her and she refuses for me to get a wheel chair. Doesn't want people staring at her,she says... .my dad is showing signs of a mild dementia?  Not sure yet. He has gotten very religious and there are days it is unbearable. He argues all the time with mom .Makes it worse for her. Tells her, her pain is all in her head and is pretending just to piss him off.
That's why I don't own a gun...ha ha...I will either kill him or myself....oh God !!!

Her older sister is an invalid. Her husband takes care of her. He has also battled prostate cancer. My poor aunt has a form of dementia along with her Parkensens and other problems she has.My mom tries to visit once a week for support and all....this weekend we are all going to her house because she doesn't have much to live. Her daughter lives in Alabama and is coming in....in away I don't want to go. I have been avoiding her for months . Can't handle all this stuff. This week or two alone has been very stressful for me. I look at myself and wonder if I'll follow suit...but you can't think like that...

So Conny,you are so strong. I love you for that. I am so proud of you for bringing yourself to such a good mind-set.This is so important to think positive and live your life to the fullest. I notice when my mom talks to me and my sisters she lightens up and seem to have less pain. Makes her forget I guess.

Nikko, bless you for caring for your mom. It makes you a stronger person whether you want to believe it or not. God helps those who help others. You will be blessed ten-fold. Thinking about the future of our parents are always in my thoughts. Reading all these claims daily kill me. It reminds me when I least want to. But I guess it is also preparing me.So I will take it as that. It has made me a stronger person. My sisters don't talk about these things. They don't want to deal with the pain. I, on the other hand do. Guess it's the job.

HUGS to all of you...

Nellie  :-*
RICKY MARTIN ,tu eres mi Kiki !

Offline desertrat

  • Sunflower
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 21916
  • No angel ;-)
Re: Caring for others with chronic illnesses
« Reply #17 on: June 06, 2006, 08:54:36 AM »
reading those posts....one could get afraid of getting old... :(
Minds are like parachutes... they both work better when opened.

Offline mcnell1120

  • Vida Loca
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 28784
  • Footsteps in my life....leave memories in my heart
Re: Caring for others with chronic illnesses
« Reply #18 on: June 06, 2006, 09:14:02 AM »
reading those posts....one could get afraid of getting old... :(

Isn't that the truth?.....Sorry to hear about your grandmother hon. To see them become this different person is a real killer.

My good friend lost her mother to Alzheimer's. She developed it at 55 years of age...Her father took care of her to the very end,almost. He finally had to put her in the nursing home. Tried Home Health care but the nurses were stealing from him. (god,you can't win in this world)...he ended up dying before her . Being there for my friend was all I could do. My heart split in two for her.A few years earlier her 19 yr old son was killed in a car accident. When ever I feel down and sorry for myself,I think about my best friend.Talk about being strong?...this woman is a saint. During her dealings with all this she developed breast cancer...her luck has not been the luck of the Irish,I tell ya. She has been wondering if she will become like her mother,since this runs in the family. She is 52 years old and dreads that magic "55". Her 21 yr old son has bi-polar disorder.....SHIT...this is depressing....I will stop now..........

...........................................**pops 2 Prozac pills**................................just kidding...
RICKY MARTIN ,tu eres mi Kiki !

Offline conny

  • seagirl
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 16511
    • forthejoyoflife
Re: Caring for others with chronic illnesses
« Reply #19 on: June 06, 2006, 09:59:59 AM »


Will your mother not take anti-depressants, she sounds as if she needs some assistance with her depression?

she has those nick,cause they also work as a painkiller,but it doesn`t help enough.
i know she hasn`t got the guts to end her life,and mostly people who say it that often never do it,but it still is hard to hear her say that.
i dint think there`s a worse pain than nervepain and it totally puts your life down.
"we are one,but we are not the same"   U2

Offline conny

  • seagirl
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 16511
    • forthejoyoflife
Re: Caring for others with chronic illnesses
« Reply #20 on: June 06, 2006, 10:10:06 AM »
so sorry for your mom too nelly!!

and i realy think it`s best to stay as active as is possible.i`ve learnt to live my life around it. and not every day is a hard one,i have good days as well and mostly the summer is the best period. only now with the post herpetic thing i have to watch out and not be in the sun all days,cause too much sun takes your resistance down and that makes me sick again.
i`ve learned to live my life by the day and enjoy each day for the fullest.and i know i`ve got to do it now,cause maybe in 10 years i cant do it anymore. but that`s than and this is now and for now i`m doing fine and going to texas yiehaaa  ;)
"we are one,but we are not the same"   U2

Offline mcnell1120

  • Vida Loca
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 28784
  • Footsteps in my life....leave memories in my heart
Re: Caring for others with chronic illnesses
« Reply #21 on: June 06, 2006, 10:29:38 AM »
going to texas yiehaaa ;)

WHEWWW WHEEEE....yeee hawwww...is RIGHT on sister !!!!!

(((HUGS)))

Nell
RICKY MARTIN ,tu eres mi Kiki !

Offline conny

  • seagirl
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 16511
    • forthejoyoflife
Re: Caring for others with chronic illnesses
« Reply #22 on: June 06, 2006, 10:32:58 AM »
going to texas yiehaaa ;)

WHEWWW WHEEEE....yeee hawwww...is RIGHT on sister !!!!!

(((HUGS)))

Nell

 ;D    ;)   (((hugs)) back hon  :-*
"we are one,but we are not the same"   U2

Offline Rob in Puyallup

  • Yogis Boo-Boo
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 12810
  • Ten Year Forum Member. Do I get a pin?
Re: Caring for others with chronic illnesses
« Reply #23 on: June 06, 2006, 02:53:40 PM »
Nikko, bless you for caring for your mom. It makes you a stronger person whether you want to believe it or not. God helps those who help others. You will be blessed ten-fold. Thinking about the future of our parents are always in my thoughts. Reading all these claims daily kill me. It reminds me when I least want to. But I guess it is also preparing me.So I will take it as that. It has made me a stronger person. My sisters don't talk about these things. They don't want to deal with the pain. I, on the other hand do. Guess it's the job.

HUGS to all of you...

Nellie  :-*

Hi Nellie,

You may remember the few things I've posted about caring for my mother, the tiny bit of assistance I provided for Dad...

Having a parent "suddenly" go from active to inactive, from enjoying life hanging tight to it, to the "sudden" fade to death is a very difficult situation to go through. It's life changing, literally... from thinking that you're young with many, many years ahead, to realizing that you, doubtlessly, will "go" just as "suddenly", or even much more suddenly, come an accident instead of disease... It's a true shock to the system, a mind opener... and makes one realize how we really must do what we can to make our life an act of living instead of just a ride.

I paid little attention to this until very recently. Knew it all along, avoided dealing with it... one of many things that our movie did for me...

Life is truly lived on the edge. Right here in this "flash" of instance, never experienced "yesterday", never experienced "tomorrow". It's beginning is never known, it's end is never realized.

Hang tight, babe, to what you can while you can... I'm thinking that it's not really possible to prepare for the death of a loved one, especially that of our parents...

Love and hugs to all who are going through these things...
Rob
« Last Edit: June 08, 2006, 01:23:05 PM by Rob in Puyallup »
Old Brokeback got me good...

Offline brian

  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 2960
Re: Caring for others with chronic illnesses
« Reply #24 on: June 06, 2006, 03:28:16 PM »
I am currently caring for my mother, 76, who has COPD (degenerative lung disorder). Although I do this willingly, it is very difficult. It impacts with almost every aspect of my life, it can be very distressing for both of us and the situation will only get worse.
I cannot believe this. I come to this thread and find someone with the same problem. My mother at 96 also has COPD but my sister(age 72)  is the prime carer. In order for my sister to be able to go out, I have to go down 3 days per week(80km) and relieve her. I am rushing now to go down. however the doctor warned us the pregnizone might cause problems with her bones and last night my sister told me Mum has a compression fracture in her back and is in great pain. I have to rush down there now so my sister can go to her doctor today. I will be back to discuss  with you Nick_F and read more of this thread.

Nick_F

  • Guest
Re: Caring for others with chronic illnesses
« Reply #25 on: June 06, 2006, 03:42:50 PM »
Good to see you here Brian.

Once I have recovered from my jetlag, i will flesh out my current situation some. I probably have a lot to say....

"Speak" with you later when we are both less harassed!

Offline mcnell1120

  • Vida Loca
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 28784
  • Footsteps in my life....leave memories in my heart
Re: Caring for others with chronic illnesses
« Reply #26 on: June 06, 2006, 05:26:07 PM »
Hi Nellie,

You may remember the few things I've posted about caring for my mother, the tiny bit of assistance I provided for Dad...

Having a parent "suddenly" go from active to inactive, from enjoying life hanging tight to it, to the "sudden" fade to death is a very difficult situation to go through. It's life changing, literally... from thinking that you're young with many, many years ahead, to realizing that you, doubtlessly, will "go" just as "suddenly", or even much more suddenly, come an accident instead of disease is a true shock to the system, a mind opener... and makes one realize how we really must do what we can to make our life an act of living instead of just a ride.

I paid little attention to this until very recently. Knew it all along, avoided dealing with it... one of many things that our movie did for me...

Life is truly lived on the edge. Right here in this "flash" of instance, never experienced "yesterday", never experienced "tomorrow". It's beginning is never known, it's end is never experienced.

Hang tight, babe, to what you can while you can... I'm thinking that it's not really possible to prepare for the death of a loved one, especially that of our parents...

Love and hugs to all who are going through these things...
Rob

Oh Rob....you have such a light way with words,can't describe it. Thank you for them. I am sorry to hear about your mom. I suppose this thing called "life" is something we all have to face.It sure sucks. The other day as I put my dog to sleep and watched him die in my arms,I actually wondered how we were all going to die. As peacefully as he?...I went home a wreck and later on my sister called. I told her how was I going to face mom or dad's death if I can't even handle my dog's? Tough question,but we can't cross that bridge like you said.

Yes, this movie opened up my eyes about things like this too Rob. glad it did though. It is making us better people and preparing ourselves for life's obstacles.

(((HUGS))) to you Rob

Nellie  :-*
RICKY MARTIN ,tu eres mi Kiki !

Offline Rob in Puyallup

  • Yogis Boo-Boo
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 12810
  • Ten Year Forum Member. Do I get a pin?
Re: Caring for others with chronic illnesses
« Reply #27 on: June 06, 2006, 09:28:17 PM »
Nellie,

You spoke of your dog...

Back in January of 1995 I took the precepts and "became" a Buddhist, "officially". That next month my landlords cat became very ill. I was taking care of her while her owner was doing the "snow bird" thing in Phoenix, Arizona.

When the cat, Bitzy, became so ill that there was no where else for me to turn, (I had taken her to the vet several times in an attempt to get her "well" without the landlords awareness), I called her owner. When I described the situation, which by that time had progressed into lack of consciousness and seizure-like activity, he told me in a point-blank heartless fashion to have her "put down". I loved that cuddly old cat who would climb into my robe for warmth, and to have her owner from 1500 miles away tell me without concern to "put her down", proved to me to be very sad. I found it very difficult to hide the tears and sobbing while on the phone with him.

Within an hour or so I was on my way to the vets office, a friend driving, me holding Bitzy in my arms, conforting her though I wasn't certain that she was aware of it... when it came time to walk into the little examination room I told the vet's assistant the reason for the return visit... she left and a few minutes later came back in with syringe in hand.

Bitzy did not move when the needle was placed in her little arm... I cried, hard, hot stinging tears as I watched her final movements, her final breath.

As I left the room bawling like a baby I came to some sudden very real, very profound realizations about this thing we call "life".

We are born alone... we die alone... in the moments between those events we are in search of someone... something... to help us feel more real, more alive than our fragile existance can ever provide to us otherwise. It's a very profound realization I experienced as Bitzy died in those few moments... all the while recalling just a couple weeks prior the first Buddhist Precept:

"Do not cause harm to another being."

May we all be well and happy,
Rob

(Panya)
« Last Edit: June 07, 2006, 10:17:13 AM by Rob in Puyallup »
Old Brokeback got me good...

Offline mcnell1120

  • Vida Loca
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 28784
  • Footsteps in my life....leave memories in my heart
Re: Caring for others with chronic illnesses
« Reply #28 on: June 07, 2006, 04:53:00 AM »
Rob,you are so special. I don't even have words right now....I'm speechless for the first time.  :'( :'( :'(

I love ya

Nellie
RICKY MARTIN ,tu eres mi Kiki !

Nick_F

  • Guest
Re: Caring for others with chronic illnesses
« Reply #29 on: June 08, 2006, 12:10:55 PM »
Days like today are such a wonderful respite for both Ma and me. She has had a good, sleep is not too breathless, has been able to sit in the garden, has had a friend over and is now tucking into a large plate full of food. I have a had a chance to lie in the sun for about  an hour and all is well.

I dread the time when these days no longer occur.  At least I have a chance to live and breathe on days like today.