Im going out on a limb here, talking about this stuff, becuase I havent talked about it to anyone, except three people in my entire life, and two of them are on the forum, and the response I got from them was incredible, so I am going to put myself out there and close my eyes and hope for the best.
I was always a rough little kid, the kind of kid who played with dolls but usually ended up trying to flush them down the toilet or cut their hair off or take off their limbs as opposed to dressing them up. I did wear dresses but usually pants underneath. But I was satisfied with my gender, aside from the fat that boys didnt want to play with me because I was too much of a girl and girls didnt want to play with me because I ws too much of a boy. My name in itself, Maddy, could be both masculine or feminine, but my mom started calling me Max as a pet name early on. And that was okay with me
I hit puberty at age 7. Early? Fuck yes. I was wearing a bra in kindergarten, had my period in the second grade. thats when I started wearing baggier clothes, getting more aggresive because peopl just didnt get why a little girl was already hitting puberty. A few years later, 9 or 10, thats when things really got weird, but I never told anyone about it.
All of a sudden I had a dick. A very very very small one, but I had one. I know im gonna have to explain this later but I dont feel like it right now. Anyways, i did. I had started masturbasting at a very young age, 4 or 5, but around this age the dynamicschanged. things got a little more uncomfortable. the orgasms were more intense, yes, but they were scary, and if I wasnt careful it would hurt.
Over my teenage years my hormones would fluctuate. Certain times I was overly aggresive, but also happier, the manic stage of manic depression mebe, and at these times my dick was although not impressive, available to me. other times I was emotional and depressed, not aggresive, just too tuckered out to deal with anything. these times the dick was gone entirely. I began to understand that there was no consistancy of what was happening, so therefore, things just got worse and worse. I started taking anti-depressants, which helped some, but still, I was a boy with a girls body regardless.
I want to take hormone therapy to regulate what is going on. I dont want to talk to my immediate family about this. I dont want the testosterone to affect my anti-depressants, but I feel like who I am, what I am, disgusts me to a point that I cant even get changed with the lights on anymore. I fucking hate every little thing about me.
So feel free to talk to me. PMs are welcomed, and so are convos on the thread itself
PS thanks to Jess and Melissa
