The Ultimate Brokeback Forum

Author Topic: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery  (Read 119821 times)

melissasjack

  • Guest
Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #45 on: November 15, 2006, 08:37:31 AM »
REPOSTED from the affected me thread:

For JACKIE:
Oh my sweetest mama....what can I say in the face of your bravery? Thank you for sharing this with us all and I love you and I am so damn happy you finally felt able to rid yourself of this burden and share it amongst us all.
Knowing you is like being blessed...I can only offer you all my love and all my understanding...which I give freely.
As Jari said...your words, "well, I won't"...well, my mama, my love, now you can, you will, you can move forward into the arms of the hundresds of us who love you, adore you, who have been changed and become better people because of you.
Loving you with all my heart,
your daughter,
Melissa

For Chuckie:
The sweetest hugs to you, my lovely friend Chuck.
From the first time I met you, I thought you were one of the most special, amazing, wonderful men I had been lucky enought o know.
What a gift to our world you are.
Many hugs and much love from your friend,
melissa

For Catia and Glenn:
Sending all the love, understanding, and good wishes to my dear sweet friends, Catia and Glenn.
Two of the most beautiful, brave folks I have been lucky and blessed enough to know.
I understand so much more than I will probably ever be able to post here, and let me just tell you I am bowled over by your bravery.
Times heals, friends heal, and the love and acceptance we have all found here is for forever.
All my love.....
(((((((Glenn and Catia))))))

For sweet Catia:
Catia, love, I'm on my way out the door right now.
All I can say is thank you for being the strong beautiful damn courageous lady you are.
Thank you for sharing this with us and I love you with all my heart and soul.
You make this world, that can be so scary and mean, a safe beautiful place for many people. You enrich our world and all of us everyday just by being you.
Love you, friend of my heart.

*am playing catch up on the rest of the thread so more love comin' later* xo

melissasjack

  • Guest
Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #46 on: November 15, 2006, 08:49:10 AM »
Thanks for listening and as I am sure with all of you, it is extremely, extremely hard for me to hit the post button, but if you are reading this, I did. I take my strength from all of you.

Linda

Thank you my strong beautiful Linda for finding the strength and the courage to post this here.....
I offer you all my love and understanding and if I could I would wrap you up in the worlds biggest hug.
You are a remarkable woman.
One day I hope to be as brave as you, love...as all y'all here.
Until that day, know that I am in awe of you and your bravery.
((((((((Linda)))))))))
so so much love,
Melissa

Offline Brokeback_1

  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 5671
Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #47 on: November 15, 2006, 09:12:31 AM »
I didn't read past ypur post, gnash, I'm on my way up to Wyomin.
I have to say one thing to you: I'm glad you cried when you cut up your underwear. I cried and made myself stop almost as soon as it started when i was getting extra blood on MINE to hide it from my mother..Why? I told myself there was no reason to cry, I was being a kid, it was no big deal and I must deserve it or it wouldn't have happened in the first place..

I can't bel;ieve what we have all been through. Even when you do deal with it, even when it's actually over within you, when you think of it it makes your blood cold. Back tonight, from Das Laptop
There was some open space between what he knew and what he tried to believe but nothing could be done about it, & if you can't fix it, you've got to stand it

Offline michaelflanagansf

  • Forum Librarian and buckle bunny
  • Team Cullen
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 25020
Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #48 on: November 15, 2006, 10:11:14 AM »
A few additional thoughts:

Connie, one of my sisters was in an abusive marriage.  I'm so sorry you had to go through this - I witnessed the horror firsthand as I stayed with her for a while late in this marriage.  She has escaped and is safe now - and I'm so glad she is, as I am glad you are.  I remain convinced that abuse, whether physical, emotional or financial all comes from the same need to control (and hurt) other people.

Catia and Ho - your stories reminded me of a woman friend of mine in high school.  She had a 'boyfriend' who left her when she got pregnant.  It was very typical of the sort of thing I saw my women friends go through then.  I drove her to the airport so that she could get to New York to get her abortion.  It was a sad time (that she had to jump through hoops to do this).  Now this wasn't rape in her case, as it was in both of your cases - but it was still abusive, and the memory of it has hung with me for years.

Jimmy - after my experiences on the bus I 'acted out' during my teen years.  One of the ways I did that was to hitchhike.  I had lots of creepy experiences, but none of them went to the level of the horror you experienced.  My thoughts are with you.

Jackie, I'm struck that so much of this sort of thing happened to us so early in our lives.  For me, that it happened and nothing was done, and then that I was made the 'bad guy' when I was taken to the priest soured me on Catholicism early on.

Chuck - aside from the sexual abuse I had to put up with physical abuse through about age 15.  Part of this had to do with being seen as 'intellectual' in an area that did not value that.  I remember being grabbed by a group of older boys who formed a circle around me and picked me up and threw me between them - grabbing handfuls of me as they did this.  I got to the point of where I would run from abusers on a dime - and I also started fighting back.  They told me I fought like a girl - I told them that as long as it stopped them I didn't care what they thought.

I don't know where my feelings toward my main abuser came from - I just saw him as a really screwed up person, and like I said, the victim of abuse on his own.  And I'm sorry (for him) that his life turned out so awful.

I told Linda in a P.M. that recounting much of this makes me feel numb - so if this seems at all disjointed my apologies.
I do my thing, & you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other - it is beautiful. If not it can't be helped.

Fritz Perls - A Gestalt Prayer

Offline michaelflanagansf

  • Forum Librarian and buckle bunny
  • Team Cullen
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 25020
Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #49 on: November 15, 2006, 10:23:16 AM »
One other thought - a lot of my anger at so-called masculine men comes from the stigmatization and abuse I felt at there hand since in was a child.  I can remember being called 'fag' and 'queer' in school from about the time I was 12 or so on.  And often I was attacked because of it - and this was by big strong farmboys who spent time pitching bales of hay.

I pretty much had to learn how to stop them in their tracks early on.  I did.
I do my thing, & you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other - it is beautiful. If not it can't be helped.

Fritz Perls - A Gestalt Prayer

Offline killersmom

  • AUNTIE
  • Administrator
  • Obsessed
  • ******
  • Posts: 84670
  • It's me.
Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #50 on: November 15, 2006, 02:11:57 PM »
Once again the bravery and honesty that I see here boggles my mind and allows me to see that we all have our histories and our stories to live with and relate to and that have in some way or other colored how our lives have turned out.

Thanks again so much for all your sharing.

Gnash.....you are so special to me for always. I am blessed to know you and count you as my best friend.

Michael, you have shared much of yourself with me and you continue to amaze me, you are so special.

Conny, you are a very special lady to me, thank you.

Chuck, as always you are a light to me and inspire me daily.

To all who have shared here, thank you for helping me see the way.
Nature has cunning ways of finding our weakest spot.
Call Me By Your Name

melissasjack

  • Guest
Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #51 on: November 15, 2006, 02:25:09 PM »
One other thought - a lot of my anger at so-called masculine men comes from the stigmatization and abuse I felt at there hand since in was a child.  I can remember being called 'fag' and 'queer' in school from about the time I was 12 or so on.  And often I was attacked because of it - and this was by big strong farmboys who spent time pitching bales of hay.

I pretty much had to learn how to stop them in their tracks early on.  I did.
One thing, Michael....I want you to know that if our world was lucky enough to be blessed with more men like you, it would be a happy safe wondrous place all over.
In my humble opinion, I think you are an amazing man....masculine and wonderful and everything good.

Offline john john

  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 2606
  • Ennis, admit it,you're falling in love.
Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #52 on: November 15, 2006, 03:49:23 PM »
I remember being bashed by three men on the street with onlookers walking by, that my first thought after it was over was that these onlookers didn't help me. I walked home humiliated, bloody and limping as people looked on.
In stead of crying over my wounds I was crying over how indifferent people can be.

I have made peace with those men, the onlookers I still hate.




Having to hide your love is denying it.

Offline michaelflanagansf

  • Forum Librarian and buckle bunny
  • Team Cullen
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 25020
Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #53 on: November 15, 2006, 03:52:30 PM »
One thing, Michael....I want you to know that if our world was lucky enough to be blessed with more men like you, it would be a happy safe wondrous place all over.
In my humble opinion, I think you are an amazing man....masculine and wonderful and everything good.

Thanks angel - that means a lot.
I do my thing, & you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other - it is beautiful. If not it can't be helped.

Fritz Perls - A Gestalt Prayer

Offline michaelflanagansf

  • Forum Librarian and buckle bunny
  • Team Cullen
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 25020
Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #54 on: November 15, 2006, 03:59:33 PM »
I remember being bashed by three men on the street with onlookers walking by, that my first thought after it was over was that these onlookers didn't help me. I walked home humiliated, bloody and limping as people looked on.
In stead of crying over my wounds I was crying over how indifferent people can be.

I have made peace with those men, the onlookers I still hate.

I really understand this John John.  One of the incomprehensible things to me what that while I was being abused there were kids watching it who said nothing about it.  You can make excuses and say 'they were just kids', but in a way it makes them part of the abuse - I think it's the same thing with bashers - it's like you had it done over and over by each onlooker.
I do my thing, & you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other - it is beautiful. If not it can't be helped.

Fritz Perls - A Gestalt Prayer

Offline TwistsBitch

  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 1669
  • you inspired me
Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #55 on: November 15, 2006, 04:25:01 PM »
I remember being bashed by three men on the street with onlookers walking by, that my first thought after it was over was that these onlookers didn't help me. I walked home humiliated, bloody and limping as people looked on.
In stead of crying over my wounds I was crying over how indifferent people can be.

I have made peace with those men, the onlookers I still hate.

I don't want to live in a world where that happens, supposedly in the most advanced societies, & I don't want to bring children into such a world.  What if it were their brother or their son who had been attacked?  Some would still even turn a blind eye & think they deserved it.   Shame on them.

& ((( john john )))
Welcome to Hotel Brokeback! You can check out any time you like but you can never leave

I rip my heart open / I sew myself shut / My weakness is / That I care too much / My scars remind me / That my past is real / I rip my heart open / Just to feel  Nietzsche

Offline john john

  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 2606
  • Ennis, admit it,you're falling in love.
Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #56 on: November 15, 2006, 09:09:39 PM »
I really understand this John John.  One of the incomprehensible things to me what that while I was being abused there were kids watching it who said nothing about it.  You can make excuses and say 'they were just kids', but in a way it makes them part of the abuse - I think it's the same thing with bashers - it's like you had it done over and over by each onlooker.

You're so right, that's exactly how I felt. I keep wondering how I'd react if I were to witness this, I can't believe I'd ignore it.

I must say these men were really big and tall and, I'm sorry to say, very black.

Having to hide your love is denying it.

Offline john john

  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 2606
  • Ennis, admit it,you're falling in love.
Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #57 on: November 15, 2006, 09:13:45 PM »
I don't want to live in a world where that happens, supposedly in the most advanced societies, & I don't want to bring children into such a world.  What if it were their brother or their son who had been attacked?  Some would still even turn a blind eye & think they deserved it.   Shame on them.

& ((( john john )))

Thanks TwistsBitch, I'm afraid this place is not an ideal world, it's up to us all to try, with small compassionte gestures, to make it better.

Having to hide your love is denying it.

Offline gnash

  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 26663
  • ʍous ƃuıɯoɔ ɟo lləɯs lɐʇəɯ əɥʇ
Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #58 on: November 16, 2006, 01:50:54 PM »
I didn't read past ypur post, gnash, I'm on my way up to Wyomin.
I have to say one thing to you: I'm glad you cried when you cut up your underwear. I cried and made myself stop almost as soon as it started when i was getting extra blood on MINE to hide it from my mother..Why? I told myself there was no reason to cry, I was being a kid, it was no big deal and I must deserve it or it wouldn't have happened in the first place..

I can't bel;ieve what we have all been through. Even when you do deal with it, even when it's actually over within you, when you think of it it makes your blood cold. Back tonight, from Das Laptop

it was your post that really hit me, because of the similarity. however, my crying was stifled because i couldn't wake up my family, so it was sort of held back. more sobs and this gesture of "i can do this."  i felt like you, no reason to cry, no big deal. just "one more thing" encountered, it seemed, and the rape really does pale in comparison to years of abuse at home. my sister, being three years older, was also pretty abusive to me. there was resentment towards me from the beginning -- i think when i was born there was the attention shift towards me and it really hit her hard. and of course she also was beaten by dad so.... it was basically a mess.

michael, the weird thing is i never hitchhiked, my thumb wasn't out but i was alone at the bus stop and i guess this guy looked for things like that. i alredy knew about the dangers of hitchhiking, i'd been warned. but he seemed so "normal" and i was tired of waiting for the bus. needless to say, i was more careful after that.

nell, there is something to be said about the wondering. i know a woman who saw a tv commercial or saw a candy wrapper or something, and it unlocked a whole lost part of her childhood. she confronted her grandfather, who apologized in his old age and was terrified that she would "spill the beans" so what she felt she remembered was true, and of course then she was left to wonder about all the times her own daughter spent visiting the grandparents.

speaking of "onlookers", apparently the girl's grandmother actually knew this was occuring, but said nothing about it! altho she did do what she could to curtial it, she was not able to "out" her husband. i guess shame sometimes surpasses rationality. had i known my father could go to jail for his actions, i'd have gone to the police in a second, but as it was, as a kid, it just seemed normal. i  had friends who were also beaten.   remember those spouse abuse commercials in the 90's, especially the one where the little 3 or 4 year old kid is on the stairs listening to his mother being beaten? the shadows he saw of fists in the air? really shook me up. ugh. my mother knew what was going on, but she was as powerless as a toddler, because he would threaten her with the same.

i think we need more commercials like that... maybe they are still being aired, i don't have TV.

what amazes me is how often this sort of thing occurs and how often secrets are kept. and the blocking out of negative experiences. i don't know anything about hypnotism or regression therapy and all that but... who knows. i'm sure the mind does it for a reason.

michael, i left oakland because of the guns stuck to my head... the guy that tried to rape me didn't have a gun, but yeah. and losing friends to stupid petty thefts gone awry... i had to get out. i was mugged like 3 times up there. also fagbashing, on the bus by HS students of all things, this on the 51M on broadway... oakland tech, when it reopened, was a pain in the ass for many during college. imagine a college girl, my roomate, being cornered and felt up on a bus by three or four high school students. sheez. like antoine merriweather says,, "HATED IT!"

"Brokeback is about a lost paradise, an Eden."  – Ang Lee


Offline desertrat

  • Sunflower
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 21916
  • No angel ;-)
Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #59 on: November 16, 2006, 03:40:15 PM »
Finally, after days of pondering and arguing back and forth, i decided to get out of my little trailer and post my story here. It didn't take me so long because my story is so horrible, it's the opposite.  I was afraid how it would be received. That the only logical answer to my story is that this was my own fault, that i should simply have left the guy. So, please, be kind on me, this time of my live was hell for me, even though it is pathetic compared to what many of you had to go through.
A second reason why this is so hard for me to bring out to the open is because it will contradict many things you might think about me. The person i am talking about sounds like another person. Partly it is, because my life, my whole personality changed so much afterwards. But still, i'm opening a part of me here that i usually am very reluctant to open. The one part that doesn't smile all the time.

I think i should start a bit earlier in my life because only that way, you might be able to understand how things came the way they did. All my life, i suffered from non-existing self confidence. I didn't need to be exluded by the other kids (in fact, i never have been. I got along very well with everybody- on the outside); i did this all by myself. Very thoroughly, i might add. I always felt „different“, never felt like belonging anywhere. I was too ugly, too unlovable, too fat, too uninteresting,....and 1000 other reasons why i was sure that nobody would like me and i basically just get on people's nerves. A character trait i can't even today fully shake away. On a bad day, i am able to convince myself very well that i don't deserve anyone's friendship and therefore nobody likes me.
At the same time, to the outside, i was similar to today – pleasant, smiling, a good kid. Inside, i was dying. When i was about 16, i came up with this glorious plan: if i would lose weight, would become really pretty, people would fianally love me. maybe even i would love me. One year later, looking like a skeleton, i had to give up those plans. I was a full-blown anorectic with an insane sports regimen and a food allowance of an apple and a bit of diet bread with cucumber per day. After some shocking realizations about my health condition, i luckily managed to start eating again. The year afterwards was hard, but at the end i gained weight again. It didn't solve my self esteem issues though.

I was 18 when the nightmare started. My first boyfriend had just dumped me and i thought i'd stay alone for the rest of my life. Then i found a new group of friends, he was part of it. For the first two or three months, everything was ok, then i more or less moved in with him. From then on, things went downhill. I never got my own key to the apartment and of course he made the rules. Ever-changing rules, i must add. Disobeying the rules resulted in injuries. He didn't beat me, rather twisted my arms, jammed them somewhere, banged me against things,....i had constant injuries. But that wasn't the worst. The worst was the psychological abuse. From day one, he started working on my self esteem. Basically told me that nobody liked me. Found examples everywhere to prove that all our friends only accepted me because i was with him. The relationship with my family went downhill because they saw what happened and of course wanted me to leave him. I wanted to stay with him. At the end, i had nobody - besides him. I was utterly alone.
The thing that made the most harm was what i today, finally, will call rape. I didn't want sex any more after a while. No way to be that close to a person that hurts you so much. He threatened to spend the night with another girl, one i knew had a thing for him. I did what he wanted. Over and over again. For months. Got numb.

I won't bore you with all the small and big things here, the neglect and hurt i suffered, the loneliness and desperation. I wanted to leave him. But what was i to do ? I had nobody left, nobody liked me, i was a worthless. It was staying with him, who, good as he was, would take up with an utterly useless person like me, or stay alone forever.
After a year, he kicked me out. Said he had no use for me any more. My world broke down. I started hurting myself, wanting to die. I acted insane. Finally, my mother got me a therapist. It took two therapies and the almost angelic patience of the wonderful man i'm sharing my life with now to get my life back on track. And some more years to make my life the way it is and make ME the person i am now. I wouldn't be who i am now without these experiences.  Maybe i am so grateful for everything i have now BECAUSE of what's behind me. And, through all of this, i was forced to deal with myself and my issues. I might be one of those people where „what doesn't kill you makes you stronger“ applies. I could have done without this experience, but maybe then i would be a moderately self-confident woman - the therapy forced me to work on my issues. I guess i'm a rather strong woman now. Because i promised myself that i would NEVER let anybody treat me that way again.

And now this little ennis here even managed to get out of her trailer and show you who she really is. ..

this post got MUCH to long. i edited and re-edited it for days. i apologize. wish i could say more with less words....
Minds are like parachutes... they both work better when opened.