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Author Topic: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery  (Read 120759 times)

Offline cfmedic12

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #675 on: March 14, 2011, 07:14:41 PM »
thanks Lyle. I guess I thought it was the most appropriate forum. There's more to the situation then I was able to type last night. I have experienced sexual abuse when I was younger. I'm active duty and have been overseas to KAF. I have met gay soldiers from a few countries, including the US. antarctica members are few and far between I bet.

Offline Sandy

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #676 on: March 15, 2011, 10:21:12 AM »
Welcome, chmedic12, to our shared obsession with Brokeback Mountain.

If you want to describe your situation in more detail, we will be able to offer (I hope) better advice. If you want to do so privately, you may send me a PM.

In the meanwhile, browse around the forum, and do introduce yourself as Lyle suggested,

See you on the threads,

Sandy

Offline desertrat

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #677 on: March 16, 2011, 02:02:36 AM »
I am wondering if anyone could help/make a suggestion or two. I am living in close quarters with a str8 male (four months). we're both soldiers. Last week we got drunk, i made a move and he turned away. He's angry with me. I have told I was sorry that I thought what I was doing was appropriate. He does not want to talk with me about it. what do I do? ask me any questions you want publicly or privately TY.

hello cfmedic!

maybe you want to give us some more information? for example, did he know you were gay before you made a move on him? i'm not sure i can give you very helpful advices, but when i read your lines, my thought was that you really might have to let your friend come to terms with what happened. misunderstandings like the one you had (you, drunk, getting the impression that he might be interested, was it like that?) happen, and for the not-interested part it can appear as quite a betrayal of your friendship. i guess he'll need time to come to term with it. chances are that he is sees your friendship in a new light now - he might fear now that you don't see him as a friend, that you never really wanted his friendship, but always aimed to seduce him. he might see that as a betrayal. so, here is my advice: give him that time he needs. show him that you a still are a friend he can rely on and that you respect his personal boundaries. if you have been good friends before, chances are high that after a while, he will be able to see it as an unlucky move coming from too much booze and he might even feel flattered that you find him hot ;)
Minds are like parachutes... they both work better when opened.

Offline cfmedic12

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #678 on: March 17, 2011, 07:06:22 PM »
Sandy desertrat-thank you for taking a look at my situation. I have know this individual for about 2 years. Last november we got word we would be doing so work up training and I proposed at that time that he and I live together for the duration of the training.

I thought I had a good idea of who TJ was. Even in the context of sexuality. He never said he was bisexual. I never said I was homosexual  (I did have a str8 past that lead to where I am -now- I indentify with men). He knew people I knew and they were gay and there was reason to believe he had some experience.
That info is eclipsed with my experience with him as a roommate. I slept with him in his bed twice. We did not have sex (even though I wanted to). We shared many things as military. I have his back he has mine. Workout together, eat and go out together. I was physically very close to him. He never stopped me from touching him as I knew he enjoyed this.
As for what I did-I was playing with his privates-not even directly -it was through the blankets-something I had done before without objection. I wanted to go further but he just turned over and said good night.
The next day it's as if I I was a stranger, he didn't want to talk about it. Since he's been a bit of a douche. I have rank so it doesn't cross professional boundaries. No, this has nothing to do with rank. My impression is he has decided that he wants no part of it. I just want some explanation and considering our history I believe I am entitled to this.

Thanks

Offline desertrat

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #679 on: March 18, 2011, 07:05:45 AM »
hey cfmedic - thanks for enlighten us a little bit...and now i do understand better what eats you up. there are no clean-cut boundaries and rules, so it's difficult to understand what's "allowed" and what's "too far", right? i wish i could give you a good advice, but i guess i don't have the necessary experience....maybe somebody who has been in a similar situation? i would still recommend giving him time...maybe he's in an inner turmoil about his sexuality right now?

i've seen you posted on the military thread as well - why don't you post your whole story there, too. there are a couple of soldiers there, they might have similar experiences and can at least tell you what they did in such a situation.

in any way - don't give up on the friendship you have. i hope it will be back to a good, solid friendship soon again!  :)
Minds are like parachutes... they both work better when opened.

Offline cfmedic12

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #680 on: March 18, 2011, 06:50:40 PM »
Thanks desertrat I'll keep you posted.  :)

Offline cfmedic12

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #681 on: March 18, 2011, 07:34:21 PM »
Desertrat says, "in any way - don't give up on the friendship you have. i hope it will be back to a good, solid friendship soon again" 

Thank you.  I know we can work through this.

Offline Sandy

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #682 on: March 21, 2011, 01:49:46 PM »
cfmedic,

Thanks for the clarification. Martina (deserat) offers some good advice. It will probably help to step back a bit to give both yourself and TJ some breathing room so you can work on your friendship. It's generally going to be complicated when work and affairs of the heart come together. There are certainly lots of civilian businesses that discourage intimate relationships among employees because (so they say) it may dilute concentration on the business at hand. When the two are of unequal rank, in particular, the door for lawsuits based on sexual harrassment opens pretty wide. I would think that since the military is a job that is literally 24/7/365, those sorts of considerations would be even more acute, as would be reactions. Right now, TJ needs to know that, as a friend, you have his back.

Am I correct in assuming that you are in military service in a country that has a longer policy of gays serving openly than in the US? Say, Canada or the UK?

The forum has a thread on gays in the military, and a number of our members have served in the armed forces, so you might wish to check out that thread as well.

http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?board=35.0

See you on the threads,

Sandy

Offline cfmedic12

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #683 on: March 21, 2011, 06:39:17 PM »
Sandy
My eyes have been opened just by a few suggestions I have gotten here. I really have to step back and look back at my motivation. I have to say that while things on the surface have improved between myself and TJ, my intuition says it's going to take a while.
I said to another member, "There as many sides to a person as there are situations". This tempers my insight. I don't want to crucify myself. I have done that privately for a very long time.
Thanks for the support. I'll check out the military thread. Yes I am Canadian.

Online fritzkep

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #684 on: March 21, 2011, 06:50:58 PM »
You may wish to send a PM to Atruant, who is a retired officer in the Canadian Forces Air Command. I'm sure he would have a great many insights into your situation, CFMedic.

And now that you have made over 5 posts, you can send messages (don't know if you had tried before without success before the minimum number of posts).

Werd ich zum Augenblicke sagen, "Verweile doch! Du bist so schön..."

Offline cfmedic12

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #685 on: March 22, 2011, 08:51:09 AM »
Thanks Fritzkep.  :)