Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery

[desertrat]

reposted from the affected thread, nov 14th:

jackie - you did it ! that's so brave and i'm so proud of you. it would be so wonderful if just talking about it would make things better. and thinking about how many of us have been hurt - do all thsoe people who hurt us know what they did to us ? how they influenced the course of our lives into a certain direction ? i bet most of them didn't even give a thought to the damage they caused. wonderful sister, i'm so happy that you finally manage to be yourself. yes, the pain will still be here, and i'm happy that the nightmares fade - the most important is that you are able to leave it all in the past and look into a bright future. then you have won.

a big (((hug))) to you, sweet sister, love you !

[desertrat]

repost form the affected thread, nov. 14th:

jack, you indeed have said a lot of things to us in your post, at least to me.
first of all, as i feel for everybody else here who shared his/her story, i am so sorry that you had to go through this. as you said, you came from a loving and protecting family - and even they couldn't protect you from the abuse you had to endure. it is the one bitter thing for parents - they can't protect their children 24/7 and things simply happen.
what strikes me so hard is that obviously there is a certain kind of people who, even as children, will project everything that happens to themselves, thinking that it was their own fault. if i weren't queer, if i weren't a woman, if i weren't...whatever...- then this wouldn't have happened to me. it is all my own fault. this fatal kind of thinking drives us deeper and deeper into isolation until hopefully one day somebody is able and willing to reach oput a hand and help us out of the little prison we built for ourselves.
there are many things in your post that resounded deep in my own feelings. which made me hurt and feel a lot for you. one thing that especially cut deep was the mention of pleasure. in situations of repeated abuse, the victim very often develops ways of finding pleasure in the abuse. it is a bit like a stockholm syndrom. it makes the whole thing more bareable at the very moment that it happens. but it makes the times in between even worse because it adds to the feeling of guilt, to the feeling that one deserves what happens.

jack, i hope your future will be bright, it seems you are on the right way. of course you won't be able to forget, but i sure thing you're on the best way to put it behind you and look into a better future. the hurt will never go away, but i wish to you that it will fade. at least a bit.

[desertrat]

reposted from the affected thread, nov. 13:

chuck, big hugs and compliments at how brave you were and still are ! how cruel even little kids can be, and how sad when they never grow out of it but simply go on bullying and harrassing people who are different from them. how sad and boring must the life of a person be if the need to pick on somebody to feel good  and worth something ? well, at the end, they are the losers.

but that doesn't change anything when you are at the receiving end of the bullying. listening to you today, chuck, it seems you are talking about a different person. i know that you very often pass over a sad moment, an insult, a hurt with a smile and a joke, for that is the strategy i am "using" as well, but still, you emanate so much positive attitude, so much optimism that i can only congratulate you and tell you how happy i am that you came out this sad past. it would be so sad if you would still sit at home, eating and accumulating depth...instead of being that wonderful, radiant person that you are now.

stay exactly that way, for that is the right answer to the bullies of the world: i won't let you bring me down !   

[desertrat]

wow - i'm starting to fill a page  :-[ :-[ :-[

conny, i'm so sorry that you had to go through such things at such an early age. and that being your first experience with sex - that is really harsh. good that you were able to tell your friends and later on ask your parents and the police for help.
another aspect of the long-term problems is, as you mentioned, the reclusion of the sex life. as you said, i also had a year where i basically wasn't even able to let anybody touch me. only therapy helped me to get over it. thinking about your special case - how many minutes did this guy have "fun" ? (though i can't even imagine how it can be fun with a struggling girl right on the street...) and how much time did it cost you, how many years of pain ? it is simply unfair, such things shouldn't happen.

[Jules]

Repost from the Affected Me thread, November 14, 2006

I’ve been thinking of you, all of you, this weekend. I don’t know how to thank you for your concern, for your sweet and profound posts, your PMs, the love you showed me. Bless you, my friends, and bless this forum, that gives us the opportunity to share, vent, analyze, and maybe grow up. And a special thank you to the really brave people who first posted their personal stories with us at the very beginning...they did it on their own, with their own strength; thanks to those people we all began to feel safe enough to carry on telling our stories here, gathering courage post after post.

After the rape I thought that it would have been better if I died. I could have yelled for help and they would have killed me and everything would have been over. But I guess my instinct of self-preservation shut my mouth, and I let them do what they wanted to, to my body, to my soul, to my life. I don’t feel brave. Had I been brave, I would have gone to the hospital, told my parents and everybody, faced a trial, maybe kept the baby. But I did what I do the best, which is hide, keep silent, never share, never let anybody know who I really am. But I have been loved and I’ve been able to love, though in my own particular way, despite what I went through, and I have to thank also 9 years of psychoanalysis (which I started for a different kind of problem that was ruining my life besides the rape). What I haven’t been able to do is keep those people’s love alive and I only have to blame myself for that: there’s a black hole in my soul which prevents me from being happy, and I have no right to impose my incapability to rejoice at life to anyone. That hole doesn’t trace back to that night only, anyway.

I will never forgive those two bastards, and I probably wouldn’t even if I was religious, there’s no excuse for what they done to me. But if I’m right and they were junkies, they had and probably still have their own demons to face.

There’s one thing I’m very happy about: that some of you felt ready to share your own stories after mine. Know that my heart goes out to you Glenn, Conny, Brad, Chuck, Vincent, Martina, Asianboy...and to those who I’m sure will follow.

This place is a miracle.

Thank you again, folks (((((GROUPHUG)))))

Catia

[desertrat]

another opportunity for a repost - nov. 14:

thanks for the hug, catia ! 

and don't you ever say you are not brave - because as you said, you could have ended it there. you didn't. you chose to live, and that is very brave. of course in backsight it would probably have been better if you had somebody to confide in, but for many reasons, i 'm sure of that, you kept this with you as a secret. but it hasn't broken you or your spirit. i don't know what you would call that, i'd call it brave.
and, you are a lot braver than me - i can't get around to tell my whole story here. for various reasons. so you are the brave one here.

i just hope so much the black hole in your heart will close over time or that you will be able to find the measures to make it close. you should be happy and enjoy your life. you have so much love to give and you are loved by so many people. this love should be able to penetrate to your deepest core, not be swallowed by the black emptiness.
i hope you'll find a way. if i can help - please let me know.

[michaelflanagansf]

repost of part of a post from August 27, 2006

Yes Joe.  I'm an abuse survivor and relate a lot to the things Nellie talked about (I've know I was gay since I was abused at age 9 - and my mother knew and put me in 'Catholic therapy' when I was 14 - and trust me, I was called a lot of names growing up and fought a lot too).  Having been sexualized by a brutal group of rural guys I never 'clicked' sexually or romantically with urban gay men, even though I much prefer city life (for obvious reasons, having been abused in the country).

*******

Okay, I'll expand on that some here.  Starting when I was 8 or 9 and going on for a few years I was abused by a group of boys on my school bus.  These guys were all brothers and the abuse started out as roughhousing, but then it got sexual - and though I would move away from them they would keep trying - it rough and physical and horrid.  In retrospect I wonder why the bus driver didn't do anything - but this was a rural busroute and there were always fights going on.  Unless something really big happened he wouldn't stop the bus.  I suspect that other things were going on with the driver (perhaps deafness - perhaps alcoholism...I can't be sure now).

They would not leave me alone, no matter where I went on the bus - the only place that was safe for me were the very front seats.  My brother (who is 4 years older than me) blamed me.  I'll never forget his telling me that if I didn't tell my mother that he would.  And I'll never forget her response - she said 'What do you want me to do about it?' - as if it were just some fight on the bus.

Eventually I fought these guys off (tooth and nail, literally) so that they finally left me along - but it took a while.

Of course one of the terrible conflicting things about it was that it was during this period that I realized that I was gay - and I couldn't figure out if the abuse was somehow my fault.

What always surprised me was that the abuse didn't seem to be a big deal to my mother, but a few years later when  I acted out on my gay feelings my mother freaked out and took me in to the priest.  I finally came to feel that she didn't understand the extent of what was going on regarding the abuse and that I was to ashamed and embarassed to make an issue of it - or perhaps even to fully explain it to her (of course I was a child and didn't really know what to say about it).

The person who was my main abuser died years later in prison - knifed in a shower.  I'm pretty sure that he had been abused by his brothers so I don't feel any sort of vindictive pleasure at this - all I feel is sad about the whole awful situation.

[conny]

wow - i'm starting to fill a page  :-[ :-[ :-[

conny, i'm so sorry that you had to go through such things at such an early age. and that being your first experience with sex - that is really harsh. good that you were able to tell your friends and later on ask your parents and the police for help.
another aspect of the long-term problems is, as you mentioned, the reclusion of the sex life. as you said, i also had a year where i basically wasn't even able to let anybody touch me. only therapy helped me to get over it. thinking about your special case - how many minutes did this guy have "fun" ? (though i can't even imagine how it can be fun with a struggling girl right on the street...) and how much time did it cost you, how many years of pain ? it is simply unfair, such things shouldn't happen.

thanks martina
I didn`t tell my mom and dad myself,they found out,cause that guy kept harassing me on the phone,i told my best friends,and when my mom asked around she found out.I dont recall anymore what happend,or what they said,only that the phone was tapped,to find out his number and adress.
i don`t know how long it lasted,time didn`t exist anymore,and it costed me till last year to get over it.I burried it in me,ended up at the point i didn`t care what people did to me.later i made jokes, about it,that i just as well could have go on and work as a prostitute,cause that way i could have made some money with it.
 much more abuse happened after this.
my second husband was an alcoholic and gambling addict,and when he was drunk he was a totally different person, and made me feel scared in my own house.
In the beginning he didn`t hit me,but he almost destroyed me mentaly,and i think that was even worse.i could handle the fysical beats every once and a while and that he smashed things trough the house.
But from the time he supposed to be home i sat there trembling like a leaf,not knowing in what state he would come home.i just made sure his dinner was ready,give him another beer,and hope he would fell asleep after that,and lucky for me lots of the time that worked.and then i had peace for a couple fof hours. When my dogs crawled under the bed when they heard him coming home and they sat next to me,shivering and puking from fear and he hit me against the head,i knew it was time to stand up for myself. I took a lawer and got rid of him,and even the last thing he did was trowing the kettle to me when i said it was mine!! Never ever i`ve been so relieved to have my house for myself again!
He still lives in  this town,but about 8 years after our divorce i had a talk with him.befor that i always was afraid whenever i saw him.But then i told him how i felt that year(i wasn`t with him that long,luyckily) and i could say what i wanted to say and he even appologized. And i haven`t forgiven him,but i wasn`t afraid of him after that anymore.
And in the end it was good for me,cause after that i had some help from my vet off all people,who was very spiritual and could feel a lot of things around and about me and then finally could admit to myself that i was a lesbian and went in special therapy.
But i really would have loved that that had happend another way.

i was thinking,it is so hard to know that the places and people you trust like your home,the church,parents,family,husband/wife,friends are the ones who ended up hurting us the most!!

My therapist asked me at some of my last sessions if i hated menn? And i could clearly say NO,you know they are not all like that,there are good menn too,but i must say i never trust them completely,apart from gay menn then 

[conny]

Rob and jimmy,jack
thanks for sharing,it means a lot,don`t know exactly why,and am a bit too numb right now to think or give proper reaction.
But i`m so happy for you that each of you have grown out till this strong,beautiful and loving menn 

[CellarDweller115]

I'm glad that we didn't lose the momentum that was in the "affected" thread, and glad to see that more people have stepped forward with stories to share.

Please let this continue.  Releasing this from yourselves is healing, and could encourage others to finally relieve themselves of a burden in their own heart.

Even if they choose not to post, our posts are being read by others, and they are seeing they are not alone, there are many others who have been abused in the past, and they are moving on, and surviving, and they can too.

Knowing that many of us have this similar experience makes me feel closer to you all.  I'm honored to have met you, and for those who I haven't met, I hope to do so in the future!

[conny]

reposted from the affected

Quote from: Boris on November 12, 2006, 09:24:35 AM


In a same way the things we have been going through have killed or injured the dreams we had. After experiences like those shared, it becomes harder to dream, it becomes harder to believe that they may happen, it becomes difficult to trust. For me it meant that I didn't believe that anyone could love me. Because that dream was gradually maimed and almost killed when I was young. I think that the question is not only about survival, or forgiveness or moving on. It is about daring to dream again, daring to trust, daring to live again. I never believed that dreams can heal but now I do.

I genuinely do believe that when we share our life stories and experiences, when they are written or spoken aloud they lose their power to define us. Whatever they are.



wow Jari
this adds so to my thoughts and feelings i had today,and i too watched BBM this afternoon(.haven`t watched it till texas,when i saw it with jimmy and fritz at linda`s place.)
i always have had bad relationships,with abuse,rape,lots of alcohol/drugs/gambling or betrayal and manipulation,and that was with men and women.and all of that destroyed all my dreams,never could trust anybody for 100% again ,not even my closest friends(but one).
And thats why i closed up for the last 10 years,i didn`t let anyone in,i first wanted to know why this kept happening to me,and i wanted to be happy with myself for 100%,before i knew i could ever love or trust someone else again.

already told here that watching BBM had major impact,and made me realise what i had to do,and how i had to change my life ,so that i could really heal again. and along the way i felt well maybe i can trust again,and could feel i was maybe ready to love again.
i never believed that much in go searching for that special person,i`d rather just meet her one day,but i did became a member of a lesbian site(not only dating) overhere,and did get in contact with someone,but also found out this wasn`t me.

meanwhile i have grown very close with someone from here,we became friends and now we can speak of a growing love.
it won`t be easy,cause of the distance for one,and it hit me very hard.
it`s like some other member told me(thanks  ) Don't be afraid to let your emotions run loose for awhile, you've been walled up for so long it's bound to seem uncontrollable but like a dam bursting, the waters will settle down after the initial blast. Let them run, feel the emotions, good and 'bad', it's the awakening of 'feeling' that's most important, too. Feel all those emotions, they will settle into their places. It's OK to feel the hurt, it's part of being 'alive'.

And that`s so true,the most imporant part is that i can feel love again,that i can dream again,and have something to look forward too!
and the rest will fall into place once we get there!!

[Nick_F]

I'm glad that we didn't lose the momentum that was in the "affected" thread, and glad to see that more people have stepped forward with stories to share.

Please let this continue.  Releasing this from yourselves is healing, and could encourage others to finally relieve themselves of a burden in their own heart.

Even if they choose not to post, our posts are being read by others, and they are seeing they are not alone, there are many others who have been abused in the past, and they are moving on, and surviving, and they can too.

Knowing that many of us have this similar experience makes me feel closer to you all.  I'm honored to have met you, and for those who I haven't met, I hope to do so in the future!

Chuck, thanks for this. I am a moderator of this thread and felt that I should post something supportive, but have not been able to find any words.

This is what I wanted to and should have said.

Nxx

[ImEnnisShesJack]

Nick,

do not beat yourself up for not finding the "right" words to kick off this thread.  This is not an easy subject to talk about.  Especially with all the social taboos and rules and issues surrounding sex and sexuality.

I was lucky enough not to suffer physical or sexual abuse at the hands of any of my relatives.  I was the victim of date rape when I was 17 and a freshman in college - inexperienced both sexually and with the ways of alcohol.  Funny thing - when you date someone, you trust them implicitly with your life - especially in that naive 17yr old way.  I always blamed myself because I was rip-roaring drunk that night.  But then realized later that drunk and silly is one thing, but passed out cold and not even able to voice your wishes is another.  Oh yeah, rather than try to coerce me while I was feeble drunk and giggly, he waited until I had passed out - all the while still pouring beer down my throat.  Unconscious, I didn't have a voice.  I couldn't say "NO!"  I'm sure in his head that it wasn't rape since I didn't say no.  He had some weird issues - took off every single piece of my jewelry - anything that would identify me.  I had to send my friend back to get it all.  I don't know if he beat me or not - but I was bruised heavily all over my body.  The bruises came to the surface 2-3 days after that night.  I never saw him again after that - not even on campus.  I think he knew that what he'd done was wrong.  And I knew what I'd done was stupidly irresponsible. 

I blame myself only for not being more careful with myself and my life.  The rape was the least of it.  As drunk as I was, I was at risk of alcohol poisoning.  I could have stopped breathing from brain-stem compression.  I could have choked on my own vomit in my sleep.  That was irresponsible and dangerous and stupid and brainless.  That doesn't make what he did to me okay in any way shape or form.  And don't get me wrong, I do not cut him any slack b'c of my own stupidity.  What he did was heinously wrong.  But I should have NEVER let myself get that dangerously drunk.  Ever.  I lost my own ability to say, "NO!" 

Healing from that has taken me years.  I had to forgive myself for my stupidity.  And I had to forget that somebody took from me the one thing that was mine to give (and if he'd asked, I'd have probably given it up anyway...).  As for forgiving him?  Never.  He can rot in the bowels of hell as far as I'm concerned.  I hope his life has been a string of miserable failures and continues to be so.  I hope he dies of some wasting festering disease.  And while those statements may seem really bile-filled, I actually can say/type them with no malice whatsoever.  I just say them as fact now.

[ImEnnisShesJack]

NellieBelle,

Have you ever thought of going to a therapist?  You've shared many stories over these past months that seem to hint at or around something deeper that you just can't quite grasp...maybe you need a session of regression therapy.  Or just to talk about all this tumult inside your head and heart.  Maybe there's a reason WHY this place and the vibe in here resonates within you?

You seem pained sometimes - and lost.  We can suport you every day, but maybe find direction via a doctor.

xoxo
H.

[conny]

nells,i agree with Ho!
as for hypnotherapy,it can help and you can bring things to the surface,but Hon,you need to be really sure you can handle it!!
And be sure you got someone with you afterwards,which i didn`t and still regret.
Cause when you go away after a  rough  2 hour crying session,you really need a shoulder. luckily i had my dogs and the sea,but that wasn`t the same.