Finally, after days of pondering and arguing back and forth, i decided to get out of my little trailer and post my story here. It didn't take me so long because my story is so horrible, it's the opposite. I was afraid how it would be received. That the only logical answer to my story is that this was my own fault, that i should simply have left the guy. So, please, be kind on me, this time of my live was hell for me, even though it is pathetic compared to what many of you had to go through.
A second reason why this is so hard for me to bring out to the open is because it will contradict many things you might think about me. The person i am talking about sounds like another person. Partly it is, because my life, my whole personality changed so much afterwards. But still, i'm opening a part of me here that i usually am very reluctant to open. The one part that doesn't smile all the time.
I think i should start a bit earlier in my life because only that way, you might be able to understand how things came the way they did. All my life, i suffered from non-existing self confidence. I didn't need to be exluded by the other kids (in fact, i never have been. I got along very well with everybody- on the outside); i did this all by myself. Very thoroughly, i might add. I always felt „different“, never felt like belonging anywhere. I was too ugly, too unlovable, too fat, too uninteresting,....and 1000 other reasons why i was sure that nobody would like me and i basically just get on people's nerves. A character trait i can't even today fully shake away. On a bad day, i am able to convince myself very well that i don't deserve anyone's friendship and therefore nobody likes me.
At the same time, to the outside, i was similar to today – pleasant, smiling, a good kid. Inside, i was dying. When i was about 16, i came up with this glorious plan: if i would lose weight, would become really pretty, people would fianally love me. maybe even i would love me. One year later, looking like a skeleton, i had to give up those plans. I was a full-blown anorectic with an insane sports regimen and a food allowance of an apple and a bit of diet bread with cucumber per day. After some shocking realizations about my health condition, i luckily managed to start eating again. The year afterwards was hard, but at the end i gained weight again. It didn't solve my self esteem issues though.
I was 18 when the nightmare started. My first boyfriend had just dumped me and i thought i'd stay alone for the rest of my life. Then i found a new group of friends, he was part of it. For the first two or three months, everything was ok, then i more or less moved in with him. From then on, things went downhill. I never got my own key to the apartment and of course he made the rules. Ever-changing rules, i must add. Disobeying the rules resulted in injuries. He didn't beat me, rather twisted my arms, jammed them somewhere, banged me against things,....i had constant injuries. But that wasn't the worst. The worst was the psychological abuse. From day one, he started working on my self esteem. Basically told me that nobody liked me. Found examples everywhere to prove that all our friends only accepted me because i was with him. The relationship with my family went downhill because they saw what happened and of course wanted me to leave him. I wanted to stay with him. At the end, i had nobody - besides him. I was utterly alone.
The thing that made the most harm was what i today, finally, will call rape. I didn't want sex any more after a while. No way to be that close to a person that hurts you so much. He threatened to spend the night with another girl, one i knew had a thing for him. I did what he wanted. Over and over again. For months. Got numb.
I won't bore you with all the small and big things here, the neglect and hurt i suffered, the loneliness and desperation. I wanted to leave him. But what was i to do ? I had nobody left, nobody liked me, i was a worthless. It was staying with him, who, good as he was, would take up with an utterly useless person like me, or stay alone forever.
After a year, he kicked me out. Said he had no use for me any more. My world broke down. I started hurting myself, wanting to die. I acted insane. Finally, my mother got me a therapist. It took two therapies and the almost angelic patience of the wonderful man i'm sharing my life with now to get my life back on track. And some more years to make my life the way it is and make ME the person i am now. I wouldn't be who i am now without these experiences. Maybe i am so grateful for everything i have now BECAUSE of what's behind me. And, through all of this, i was forced to deal with myself and my issues. I might be one of those people where „what doesn't kill you makes you stronger“ applies. I could have done without this experience, but maybe then i would be a moderately self-confident woman - the therapy forced me to work on my issues. I guess i'm a rather strong woman now. Because i promised myself that i would NEVER let anybody treat me that way again.
And now this little ennis here even managed to get out of her trailer and show you who she really is. ..
this post got MUCH to long. i edited and re-edited it for days. i apologize. wish i could say more with less words....