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Author Topic: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued  (Read 492000 times)

Offline CellarDweller115

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How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« on: July 10, 2007, 05:12:00 PM »
Hello fellow Brokies!

This thread is a continuation of the original "How Brokeback Affected Me" thread.  Please use this thread to post your thoughts about how you were affected by this film.  The thoughts you had, the emotions you felt, and the actions you took.

Can you divide your life into chapters titled "Before Brokeback" and "After Brokeback"?  Have you made small changes, large changes, no changes?

Tell us about it.

To start this thread, I went and found my first post, from the original thread, back on December 29th, 2005, three days after I saw the film for the first time.


How it affected me???

Well, it re-affirmed to me the belief that the type of love Jack and Ennis had is possible, and I deserve to have that too.  I came to this decision about a year ago, when I decided to take chances and placed a personal ad.  After a few misses, I have finally met someone, and we are dating.

I think I got more of a sense of pride and anticipation as I walked out of the theater at the end of the movie.  I remember thinking....."This is gonna help people change how they think.  People will come away from this, and realize we all don't lisp, and prance around all swishy, with limp wrists, acting like a bunch of "man whores", looking for sex, but not love."



Wow.  What a difference a year and a half makes.

I still believe that the love that Jack & Ennis had for each other is possible for me,  and that I deserve to have it.  The guy I mentioned in the above post and I are no longer dating.  That's ok.  I've since moved on in my dating life, and have had other encounters and relationships that I've grown from. 

I learned that time is short, and I've actually started approaching men.  I'm no longer content to being the "wallflower", and I'll actively flirt and attempt to meet guys.  Sometimes it's paid off, sometimes it hasn't.  But at this time last year, I was content to be the "wallflower", not realizing that I was hiding myself in the shadows, denying myself the opportunity to grow.

I'm contemplating changes in my career, branching out into a field that I've thought about often, but held myself back from, because I didn't want to deal with rejection.  A new career (just like finding love) is a risk, and if you want to receive rewards, you need to take risks.  I now feel ready to take them, confident enough that even if I am rejected, I can pick myself up, dust myself off, and move on to the next challenge that I will be presented with.

Lastly, Brokeback helped me to come to terms with what I perceived to be my "femininity".  In the post above, I talked about Brokeback showing gay men who didn't lisp or have limp wrists.  It was something that I was always very conscious about.  After reflecting on the movie, I came away with the idea that if Ennis & Jack had been more comfortable with themselves, things may have been easier for them.  I'm not saying they should have acted effeminate.  I mean if they were able to accept themselves as gay men, life may have gone more smoothly.  So I made the decision to accept myself the way I am.  Does this mean I'm openly flamboyant?  No, but it means I no longer care if I act in a way that someone may be critical of, using my behavior to demean me.  I have learned to be happy with who I am, and how I act.  I feel much more relaxed now than I have in a long time.  I even marched in the NYC Pride Parade this year, and that is something I said I would NEVER do.

I also took the leap, and started to travel, and since BBM, I've been to Florida, Texas, Oklahoma, Maryland, Michigan, and Colorado.  California, DC, and UK are next on the list.  If anyone would have told me 2 years ago that I would be traveling all over, meeting people from around the world, and doing things like square dancing, horseback rides, hayrides, and other new things, I would've told them they were crazy.  But it's happening for me.

and it's all because of Brokeback Mountain.
« Last Edit: July 10, 2007, 05:41:54 PM by CellarDweller115 »

Offline Mejack

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #1 on: July 10, 2007, 09:41:54 PM »
Hi Chuck,

I was one of the early posters on the "Affected Me" thread,
and now that we have this continuation, I just wanted to drop in
for a minute to say Hi   to everyone again.

Before Brokeback:
1.  Living in the deepest recesses of my self-imposed closet.
2.  Billy, my only love, deeply imbedded in my soul for 50 years.
3.  Nevertheless, married 34 years, four sons, and contented.

After Brokeback:
1.  Discovered this forum.  Jackie greeted me first.
2.  Desperately searched to find my long-lost Billy.
3.  Found that he had died years earlier. Emotionally drained.
4.  Slipped out of the damned closet for "one glorious weekend in Texas."
5.  Met you there. Friendships were cemented, and continue to grow.
6.  Visited Billy's grave, accompanied by another good forum friend.
7.  Immersed myself more deeply in my work.  Still married, of course.
8.  Became a grandfather last month!  What a hoot that is!
9.  Oh yeah, still in the closet.  Seems like home, now.

I've known real love.  I'm satisfied with life.  Love all you guys!  :-* :-*

Paul

 

« Last Edit: July 10, 2007, 09:59:07 PM by mejack »
Precious memories, how they linger,  how they ever flood my soul.
In the stillness of the midnight,  memories from the past unfold.

Offline CellarDweller115

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #2 on: July 11, 2007, 07:02:23 AM »
We love you too, Paul!

Offline sweety02

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #3 on: July 11, 2007, 08:34:18 AM »
Hi Chuck,

I was one of the early posters on the "Affected Me" thread,
and now that we have this continuation, I just wanted to drop in
for a minute to say Hi   to everyone again.

Before Brokeback:
1.  Living in the deepest recesses of my self-imposed closet.
2.  Billy, my only love, deeply imbedded in my soul for 50 years.
3.  Nevertheless, married 34 years, four sons, and contented.

After Brokeback:
1.  Discovered this forum.  Jackie greeted me first.
2.  Desperately searched to find my long-lost Billy.
3.  Found that he had died years earlier. Emotionally drained.
4.  Slipped out of the damned closet for "one glorious weekend in Texas."
5.  Met you there. Friendships were cemented, and continue to grow.
6.  Visited Billy's grave, accompanied by another good forum friend.
7.  Immersed myself more deeply in my work.  Still married, of course.
8.  Became a grandfather last month!  What a hoot that is!
9.  Oh yeah, still in the closet.  Seems like home, now.

I've known real love.  I'm satisfied with life.  Love all you guys!  :-* :-*

Paul

Hi Paul!

I read "Beyond Brokeback"  and I cannot forget how much your life's story touched my heart! :( :( :(
I'm so happy you have known real love!

I discovered this forum a few months ago only and I am really involved with all your painful even if wonderful stories, BBM obsessed Friends!

A big hug from a 50 years old straight woman from Northern-Italy.

Laura

Offline paintedshoes

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #4 on: July 11, 2007, 08:55:55 AM »
All I can say is this.....I'm glad Brokeback kicked my ass to reality...I still can't believe I was living my life as I once was....can't believe how negative I was and how easily I gave up on things,including my life!!  I can't believe that I never thought twice about making decisions that would affect my whole life!! Never once thought that I was affecting others lives by my stupid decisions...can't even believe that on my downest times I wanted to end my life and take the easy way out....I had a few hours to think about all this the other day...was reflecting on this whole year...again. Was sitting under a tree in Lake Geneva,Wisconsin this past weekend...looking at the beautiful water and the gorgeous sky...watching my kids play in the water and fishing...hearing the laughter around me and the family interactions...the hugs and the I love you's...ugh!!  What was I thinking?...this is so great!! I was so blinded..taking life for granted...not realizing that I had it all right in front of me. ...So easily said huh....but it ain't easy...life is never easy. This movie made me realize all this...my friends here...the whole package!

I no longer ask myself when will I get over this movie,when will it fade?....I was walking down the rocky pier,hearing the water splash and thought of our Jack and Ennis as they sat by the water,talking...washing their plates in the stream..arguing...got a lot of flash backs this weekend. Made my heart ache something bad. Started missing my friends from this Forum,the one's I've met...*sigh*

I really hope you all have found some form of peace...I really hope that your lives have all changed for the better..or still changing. Was thinking about all you folks in here....hoping you're all doing good..and keeping you all in my prayers.It will always be like this, just like this..

Nellie


I'm bringing this from the old thread as much to see if I can do it, and to comment on my darling Nellie's words...

You are a shining light to me, sweet Nellie, and always will be.  I'm glad we found each other here.  I am better for knowing you.   :-*
"Miracles do happen, dear friend(s).  Miracles are real."- Boris 
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Offline paintedshoes

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #5 on: July 11, 2007, 09:27:24 AM »
Chuck, you know how I feel about your comments.  I am proud to know you, and call you my friend. I like who you are, too.   :-*

Paul, my Elder Brother.  After reading your comments, I found myself going back to the original thread, from the beginning, to remind myself how it was, as we all started exploring this phenomenon and our reactions to it, how we coped with the knowledge that we could/would never be the same after this.  I was intending to find and quote my favorite post ever made on this Forum, the one from Jari (Boris) about needing to reclaim the direction of our lives.  (Here it is for those who wish to read it:    http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.msg55695#msg55695 ).

But, I got sidetracked by all those early stories, some of which are now in our book, including yours.  Those were heady days, weren't they?  Painful, as we tried to unlock the secrets we had kept from ourselves; joyful, as we discovered we were not alone.  And we are still not alone.  The friendships that began as a cyber-share, under cover of anonymity, have become real and personal and necessary to my life, and I am grateful.  I am not a NEW person, but I think I am a better person, for being here, for loving the film, and mainly, for knowing all of you.  So, one more in my ever-growing list of thank you's to all of you here.  :D  :-*
"Miracles do happen, dear friend(s).  Miracles are real."- Boris 
"There are only two things we know: the cosmos exists and we are imbedded within the cosmos.  Everything else is speculation and discovery."- Caithness's dad
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Offline Mejack

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #6 on: July 11, 2007, 09:47:52 AM »
The friendships that began as a cyber-share, under cover of anonymity, have become real and personal and necessary . . .

Yes, Jackie, oh so necessary! 
What would I do without you, and Jari, and Linda and Chuck and Terry and Brad and on and on . . .

Paul
Precious memories, how they linger,  how they ever flood my soul.
In the stillness of the midnight,  memories from the past unfold.

Offline Mejack

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #7 on: July 11, 2007, 09:53:54 AM »

I read "Beyond Brokeback"  and I cannot forget how much your life's story touched my heart! :( :( :(


Laura, I'm so glad to meet you!  Beyond Brokeback is a true phenomenon.

Paul
Precious memories, how they linger,  how they ever flood my soul.
In the stillness of the midnight,  memories from the past unfold.

Offline milomorris

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #8 on: July 11, 2007, 11:06:05 AM »
I learned that time is short, and I've actually started approaching men.  I'm no longer content to being the "wallflower", and I'll actively flirt and attempt to meet guys.  Sometimes it's paid off, sometimes it hasn't.  But at this time last year, I was content to be the "wallflower", not realizing that I was hiding myself in the shadows, denying myself the opportunity to grow.

This is great. So many people are afraid to go out seek what they need, and in the process languish. I'm happy to hear that BBM led you to stop being one of them. And I hope that you find someone that fits you, and fills your life.

Lastly, Brokeback helped me to come to terms with what I perceived to be my "femininity".  In the post above, I talked about Brokeback showing gay men who didn't lisp or have limp wrists.  It was something that I was always very conscious about.  After reflecting on the movie, I came away with the idea that if Ennis & Jack had been more comfortable with themselves, things may have been easier for them.  I'm not saying they should have acted effeminate.  I mean if they were able to accept themselves as gay men, life may have gone more smoothly.

Good for you. I don't want to cross over into a discussion that belongs in the Masculine & Gay thread, but it sounds to me like you are realizing that masculinity is not about the way you walk or talk, but rather about your conduct and character.

I think that one of the things that kept Jack & Ennis from understanding their homosexuality was that they didn't know any homosexual men that were like them. The one's they associated with the word "queer" were too far outside their experience: flamboyant, promiscuous, superficial, urban queens. Since being bitten by BBM, and recently joining the Fraternal Order of Androphiles, I have put a high priority status on placing my virtues ahead of my sexuality in public. I think it is important for homos and heteros to see non-stereotypical homosexuals flourish in real life.

Milo





Modified by CellarDweller115 to fix "broken" quote
« Last Edit: July 11, 2007, 12:08:26 PM by CellarDweller115 »
The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

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Offline DaveinPhilly

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #9 on: July 11, 2007, 11:16:45 AM »
It's a wonderful thing to realise that the thread had become so vast - all these wonderful and touching personal recollections. As one who's been here from near the beginning I can say again to all -

Thank You For This Forum and the difference it has made in so many lives.

DaveinPhilly
It could be like this, just like this, always...

Offline milomorris

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #10 on: July 11, 2007, 11:40:45 AM »
I've known real love.  I'm satisfied with life.  Love all you guys!  :-* :-*

AMEN!! That really is what its all about, Paul.

BTW, I'm with sweety02. I read your story here over several posts, and I too was deeply touched. Thank you for sharing it.

Milo
The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

--Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #11 on: July 11, 2007, 01:47:34 PM »
Yes, Jackie, oh so necessary! 
What would I do without you, and Jari, and Linda and Chuck and Terry and Brad and on and on . . .

Paul


Yes Paul, my good friend, the feeling is mutual. You are one of the few who have made me strong and enabled me to make the changes in my life that have so enriched my life and have made me happy at last. I thank YOU for being my friend and there for me.
Nature has cunning ways of finding our weakest spot.
Call Me By Your Name

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #12 on: July 11, 2007, 06:49:27 PM »
my first post here,
first of all i want you to know ......i love you all ....for posting all these wondelfull words in this thread.
i've been reading i guess from last april  2006 never commented,sorry.
i'm from the netherlands and i don't know how to express myself very well in englisch.
i watch bbm the 24th of april 2006 ,could't forget that date,no way,it changed my live completely.
i watched it the first time like...oke.
the morning after i woke up and i couldn't eat ,didn't know what was wrong with me.
that night my husband was at home and i said"this is a movie i want to watch with you together"
he did.
but off course he didn't like it, like i did.
so that was my second take on bbm.
that's when it hit me.
i didn't do anyhting else anymore,just watched bbm ,youtube and everything else related to bbm,dicovered this furom and fanfiction.
but it made my relationship to my family so much better,i was a person who took everything for granted,now i know that you only get one chance of a lifetime for love and i'm living it.
it made me a better person for sure.
i'm trying to let my husband know that i think this way,but he is like an ennis, i surely do love him for that,but it's more difficult.
i haven't found anyone around me who loves bbm like i do,i've let all my friends an collages watch it but they're all like ,oke good movie or even so boring ,i fell asleep on it.
don't know what it is that keeps us getting back to it.
i haven't watched bbm in almost 3 months,i'm afraid to fall back again, i'm reading a lot of fanfiction now and i must say it helps a lot to get over it.
i only read the happy endings off course.
but there are so many beautiful stories out there, i recomment them to everyone who is feeling like me.
liefs carolien


That first step you take is the longest stride
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin' stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side

Offline paintedshoes

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #13 on: July 11, 2007, 07:03:15 PM »
Carolien, welcome to posting!  I've sent you a pm, honey.

The film, OUR film, has made these words true for so many of us:

"i know that you only get one chance of a lifetime for love and i'm living it.
it made me a better person for sure.
"

Please keep posting, sharing with us, honey. 

-Jackie

Oh, and your English is just fine.   ;)
"Miracles do happen, dear friend(s).  Miracles are real."- Boris 
"There are only two things we know: the cosmos exists and we are imbedded within the cosmos.  Everything else is speculation and discovery."- Caithness's dad
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Offline DaveinPhilly

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #14 on: July 12, 2007, 08:28:43 AM »
Carolien - fantastic first post - so many wonderful things have happened to those truly "affected" by Brokeback. Thank you for joining the conversation!!!
It could be like this, just like this, always...