The Ultimate Brokeback Forum

Author Topic: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued  (Read 488178 times)

Offline michaelflanagansf

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #45 on: July 16, 2007, 11:55:34 PM »
quithammerin, thanks so much for your kind words.  If I touched you in any way, I am privileged and honored.

Nikki

Nikki, I just wanted to let you know that I appreciated your post here as well.  And I also wanted to share with you that I too have been very moved by the bravery of some of the people who have had to face a spouse or children (like Andy).  In a way I think it was much simpler for me, knowing from the time I was a young teen - and I have to admit that what some would have thought of as bravery at being 'out' at a young age is probably also due in part to my stubborn nature.  :D  I just wasn't going to let anyone tell me what I could and couldn't do.

And, btw, your kind and supportive presence here is much appreciated (as is yours Q.H.).  Thank you!
I do my thing, & you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other - it is beautiful. If not it can't be helped.

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Offline Rob in Puyallup

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #46 on: July 17, 2007, 12:15:33 AM »
Michael...

Mikey...

Your words are wise and make me happy to consider you a friend,

Hugs, bud, know that I'm thinking of you and looking forward to your upcoming visit!

Boo

(PS Avoid Enumclaw and Spanaway.)



Thanks Rob...much love to you too!  :-*

(I'm allergic to dander - I think I'm safe.... ;))

Oh no, Mikey, don't tell me that!

I have a dog, two cats and a bird!

Lord love a duck, as Dad used to say!!!

 ;D

(I'll find you an activated carbon dust mask, if I can!!!)

Old Brokeback got me good...

Offline jack

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #47 on: July 17, 2007, 01:17:24 AM »
quithammerin, thanks so much for your kind words.  If I touched you in any way, I am privileged and honored.

Nikki

Nikki, I just wanted to let you know that I appreciated your post here as well.  And I also wanted to share with you that I too have been very moved by the bravery of some of the people who have had to face a spouse or children (like Andy).  In a way I think it was much simpler for me, knowing from the time I was a young teen - and I have to admit that what some would have thought of as bravery at being 'out' at a young age is probably also due in part to my stubborn nature.  :D  I just wasn't going to let anyone tell me what I could and couldn't do.

And, btw, your kind and supportive presence here is much appreciated (as is yours Q.H.).  Thank you!

let me add to what michael said that we gay men and lesbians, and all the other initials, will never have sufficient numbers to achieve our own full civil rights and/or such such inclusion in our respective religious bodies as we would wish on our own.  it is ONLY through the willingness and bravery of you straight family and friends, and your willingness to go to the barricades with and for us, that this might ever be achieved.

i remember the sixties when i risked much to support desegregation and voter rights marches in the south, and fight the more subtle discrimination in the northern industrial states.  without white support at critical junctures and in critical votes the results STILL wouldn't be in on the civil rights movement.

i also stood with the feminist movement knowing the injustices and marginalization were wrong.  would that those who profited from unknown gay supporters return the favor and support, from their position of having been there not so long ago.

for her work, coretta scott king will be my hero forever.  she carried on and surpassed her husbands gallantry.

thank you

jack
"through Seneca Falls, and Selma, and Stonewall..."

Offline Nikki

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #48 on: July 17, 2007, 10:10:33 AM »


Michael and Jack,

Thank you both.  I am overwhelmed by your kind words.

Nikki
The shirts hanging on a nail shudder slightly in the draft.

If he does not force his attention on it, it might stoke the day, rewarm that old, cold time on the mountain when they owned the world and nothing seemed wrong.

Bliss was it in that dawn to be alive
But to be young was very heaven!

Offline Bobby19in1963

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #49 on: July 17, 2007, 12:23:48 PM »
Nellie:  It reached me and I passed it on to my daughter who is in charge of at least 100 little children aged 3-12 in her ward of the church.

Bobby


<snip>

So that's what I wanted to tell you.  I'm putting this here because if it reaches just one other person, and changes just one more child's life, the effort will be worthwhile (and so will my taking up all this room for one post!).

You people are all great, thanks for being here - for me, for each other. 


So glad you did...I remember this...you told us this a while ago?...so glad you did again,because it's something not to be forgotten...and I hope that it will reach people,for the newbies or for whomever!!  It warms the heart and keeps the spirit strong...Hugs to you!!

Nellie
A love that will NEVER grow old....

Offline Bobby19in1963

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Re: Sudden turn of events yesterday
« Reply #50 on: July 17, 2007, 01:11:50 PM »
She's called my bluff and set me 'free' with genuine goodwill, but why do I feel so afraid even thinking about realising my personal 'brokeback'? I've buried my feelings for so long now, I have difficulty contemplating my needs without feeling guilty.

I'd love some good advice from anyone who's going through the same :(

Andy   

Andy:

AHappyMan sent me a PM on your post, because he knows I don't get around the Forum much these days.

Thanx! for sharing.  If you've read any of my story you know that we are in similar circumstances, except from the time we had our 'talk' and I came out to my wife, it was only four months until she gave me my freedom by asking me to move out, which I have done.  After reading your post I realized that my wife really does want my happiness...even though it is very hard for me to understand.  She was so mean to me for so many years, it is hard for me to look at her as a nice person.

I'm in the same place as you are essentially about 'realizing a Brokeback experience.'  I mean the love that Our Boys had, not the challenges ... no one wants that crap.  Mine is complicated by my Shy Bladder Syndrome, which I talk about more freely here on the Forum than I ever have anywhere else.  I believe this phobia actually saved me from the AIDS epidemic earlier in my life...since I could never pee around men (or anyone) and since I had not come out to myself at all, I've been doubly closeted I guess you'd say for all my life.  My spirit is a gay one (no pun intended) and I love a party and fun, so I would have been right in the drugging and sexing and all of that, I am sure.  Many of my closest friends from college are dead now from AIDS.  I didn't know that until recently, when I met up with an old friend from those years of the '60's.  We never talked about being gay, or exhibited any

Now, I am free of any entanglements from my wife.  I am trying to decide to be free from any entanglements of religion...much harder since I am Mormon.  I am just beginning, with help from AHappyMan and CANSTANDIT to explore the possibilities of a gay life...my therapist wants me to be 'out there' also.

So, I feel for you.  It is not easy.  In fact, in my new apartment my kitchen is so small it might as well be a trailer kitchen.  I even think Ennis' kitchen is larger than mine.  It just dawned on me that my 'cute little apartment' as AHappyMan calls it...is really as much a trailer as it is an apartment.

The difference is...my friends on the Forum...who have stepped out of the electronic world we live in here, and have taken me to dinner, given me hugs, invited me to their homes, and become some of my best friends in life.

PM me bud, if you think we can work on anything together.

Love ya'll,

Bobby
A love that will NEVER grow old....

Offline mcnell1120

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #51 on: July 17, 2007, 01:55:04 PM »
Nellie:  It reached me and I passed it on to my daughter who is in charge of at least 100 little children aged 3-12 in her ward of the church.

Bobby


<snip>

So that's what I wanted to tell you.  I'm putting this here because if it reaches just one other person, and changes just one more child's life, the effort will be worthwhile (and so will my taking up all this room for one post!).

You people are all great, thanks for being here - for me, for each other. 


So glad you did...I remember this...you told us this a while ago?...so glad you did again,because it's something not to be forgotten...and I hope that it will reach people,for the newbies or for whomever!!  It warms the heart and keeps the spirit strong...Hugs to you!!

Nellie

I'm so glad Bobby!!   :-*...you're a doll!!
RICKY MARTIN ,tu eres mi Kiki !

Offline Ellen (tellyouwhat)

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #52 on: July 17, 2007, 01:56:34 PM »
Bobby, not all trailers are symbolic of loneliness.  Ennis' is.  You have more of a social life and friends who are supporting you spiritually.  Plus they know the real you.  It sounds to me very different from ennis' trailer.
sometimes I think life is just a rodeo the trick is to ride and make it 'til the bell --john fogerty

Offline mcnell1120

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #53 on: July 17, 2007, 02:02:07 PM »
Nellie,

I'm overjoyed seeing your avatar back! It brought smiles over a year ago, is bringing them back now!

Love and hugs,

Missing you,

Rob

Aww, thanks sweetheart...I was tired of looking at myself and put the little Rican shaking her bon bons...bwahaha

glad I brought a smile to your cute face...missing you like crazy...so I'm sending you some hugs from Chicago...okay?

Love ya  (( Rob ))

Nell xo

AND BOBBY......

I agree with Ms. Tellyouwhat ...you're not living in a trailer..it's much more than that..to me it's only the beginning of what's going to happen in the future..this is only your resting place...your place of dreams and new beginnings ,doll. Soon enough it will surely transform into something you've been awaiting for so long...just because it's small,doesn't make a damn difference...there are people out there living in mansions..and to them,they are living a trailer life...but not you buddy....not you!!

Nellie
« Last Edit: July 17, 2007, 02:08:46 PM by mcnell1120 »
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Offline twtplanner

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #54 on: July 21, 2007, 08:08:34 PM »
The friendships that began as a cyber-share, under cover of anonymity, have become real and personal and necessary . . .

Yes, Jackie, oh so necessary! 
What would I do without you, and Jari, and Linda and Chuck and Terry and Brad and on and on . . .

Paul

Ah, Paul.  You're a sweet, good, man, in possession of a wonderful heart.  I'm happy to have met you too.  and I too carry the memory of the wknd in SA close.  I'm a better man for having met you.

terry
 
ĎĎAnd then the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.Ē
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Offline MiralParis7

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #55 on: July 22, 2007, 01:28:38 PM »
Hi there. This is Miral Paris. I have a new address, though, cause I forgot my old one.

My story is that BBM put me in touch with the part of me that misses passion and romance. I had that when I was dating, but I have really missed it in my marriage. I love my hubby--he is truly my soulmate--because for various reasons he's not the passionate type; doesn't like kissing and not much interested in sex. I had talked before that now that we are 46 and 51, I felt that that passionate time of my life was gone. Well, maybe if he dies first I'll be a 70-year-old match.com person.

Anyway, things are looking up! I took the reins (ha) and acted very differently the last time we made love (a few hours ago, actually). I have been reading Lori's Two Crows Joy story (you must read it) and what I really wanted was the romance. Long and languid kisses, longing touching, looking into each other's eyes and later lots of moaning. I hope this is not too explicit. I am trying to be poetic here.

Anyhoo, rather than wait for him to want this and do it, I just acted like this myself. I started the slow, languid kisses and he just followed my lead. The touching, smelling hair, fingers lightly trailing over warm, sensitive skin. Like Ennis, for me smell is a real turn on.

Anyway, I really didn't realize I had the power all along (click my heels twice) to make it more what I wanted. Especially the KISSING, and overall longer and more drawn out. And it worked, and the results were, uh, quite good. I think it helps that we celebrated our 16th anniversary yesterday (had a blast on a canoe trip) and it was a Designated Romantic Weekend.  So, thanks to BBM, my romantic life is getting better!

Speaking of the story I mentioned (TCJ) plis Human Interest, I am feeling so much more settled--don't know if that word is good, but it's the opporite of the haunted feeling when everything in the film/book turns to shit. If you don't know the stories, it's a alternate universe where they get together adter Ennis' divorce. The story is about their life and their family life to gether on the "Brokeback Ranch." All is not happiness and joy for them, but they always have each other, and their personal growth (especially Ennis') and relationship growth is tremendous. Not to mention lots of smut alternating with great plot, characterizations and a cast of other characters.

I look forward to getting to know everyone.

Miral
"I can stand the name-calling; itís the rank envy and jealousy that get to me."
-- Pairs, Connie Bailey --

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #56 on: July 23, 2007, 02:37:09 AM »
Hi Miral, nice to see you hear, it is amazing what we can do when we try approaching something from a different angle  ;)  Good for you  ;D

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #57 on: July 23, 2007, 02:09:54 PM »
How BBM affected me. Okay. Answering this is particularly hard for me, but itís a good place to start. I got to say that Iím a lurker, mostly, and that Iíve read nearly everything you guys have written about this movie. It took time, but now Iím almost updated. Hell, I even think in terms of ďFNITĒ, ďSNITĒ, etc.

Why is it difficult, then? All right, well, maybe it has to do with the fact that this film is something that has become so personal for me - and for every one of you too, of course. I can say it did affect me. How? Fine, Iíll try.

I went to see BBM with a friend one night (I still keep the tickets in my wallet, even if the inkís almost erased) and what I can say is that I didnít come out the same. I went in all happy, cheery and talky and came out as if I had been repeatedly slugged against a wall and punched in the stomach while I watched someone dear to me dying slowly. My friend came out as she had come in (but that goes in another topic), but I had people staring at me on the way home. Iím sure my face was quite a sight. I was devastated on the outside and destroyed on the inside. But I did not cry, not the first time; I was ďjustĒ shocked. When the film ended and the credits began to roll I just sat there, muttering ďitís a tragedy, itís a tragedy, it wasnít their faultĒ like a crazy person. Of course, ĎHe was a friend of mineí, just added the kiss of death to my state of mind. I felt both dead and extremely alive at the same time.

That night I couldnít sleep, and when I finally could, I woke up a dozen times, mixing my dreams with certain scenes of the movie. Itís like I didnít know what hit me, but it had hit me so hard. Of course, nobody understood me, not even the friend I went to see it with. No one was interested in this movie but me. No wonder I felt it like something mine, and no wonder many of you feel that too, even after finding this place, this forum. Most of us have had a period of ďthis movie is mineĒ since no one else could enter your state of mind.

I donít know what it wouldíve done to me if my life had any contextual similarities with those of Jack, Ennis or their families, but it doesnít. First of all, Iím 23, and Iíve only gone out with girls since I was 19. Yes, Iíve suffered, but not like any of them. My mom wonít even talk to me about anything to do with my sexuality; she likes to pretend I donít have one, and she must be blind to my bedroom walls, which have been plastered with singers and actresses since that determinant age. But I havenít been seriously prejudiced by people on the street when theyíve seen me with someone, or by my friends. They know, they donít care. Okay, so their supposed ages at the beginning of the movie and Alma Juniorís age at the end did kinda ring a bell, but what I mean is that nothing contextual related to me at first sight Ė not in age or background. I didnít even feel attraction towards anyone in it (except a platonic one, of course).

I had to go deeper into the movie, then, as the movie did go deep into me. There is a certain ďbasicnessĒ in the film that makes all of us understand Ė that made me understand. I hadnít even seen the trailer, so I just sat down expecting to see something that could be ďquite goodĒ, that could win some Oscars. That was the movie-geek in me. But I must say that I go to watch movies like other people go to church, so when I find that movie, my world turns upside down in revelation, and it will always work for me, it's like a love at first sight that can be revisited.

That ďbasicnessĒ got me, because I had lived it, the longing, the waiting, the insecurities and even the loss (although nothing as terrible as a death, of course). I didnít expect the FNIT, but I understood it in its rawness, like many of their gestures and the reunion kiss. These guys were real, that they couldnít be what they werenít, that everything was just right. The morning after the FNIT was absolutely real to me. I totally adored Ennisís hesitant attitude during the SNIT. That also was absolutely real. But the first scene that grabbed me and kneed me in the stomach was Ennisís breakdown in the alley. That was the most real thing Iíd ever seen (and it's a movie!). It was beautiful, it was terrible, it was authentic and I understood. That I had lived, the mixture between being sick and feeling like crying, but not actually doing none of those things.

I could go on, but why should I summarize the whole movie again for you, if you know it just like I do or better? Just wanted to express that I wasnít the same person, not exactly. I cared so much for them, and the movie had ended. What could I do? For days I just dwelled there, sometimes in this part of the movie, sometimes in that part, but always inside it. And I still remain haunted by it. When all the depression started to wash off, I just felt like wanting to grasp life with my bare hands. My life. My time. The years that I got to do what I can with them. Donít let things go. Donít let things unsaid. Donít keep yourself from feeling something. I try to do all those things.

And now Iíll apologize for the endless rambling, but it was good to write this.
"Two or three things I know for sure, and one is that I'd rather go naked than wear the coat the world has made for me." (Dorothy Allison)

Offline mcnell1120

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #58 on: July 23, 2007, 02:35:11 PM »

<snip>

I could go on, but why should I summarize the whole movie again for you, if you know it just like I do or better? Just wanted to express that I wasn't the same person, not exactly. I cared so much for them, and the movie had ended. What could I do? For days I just dwelled there, sometimes in this part of the movie, sometimes in that part, but always inside it. And I still remain haunted by it. When all the depression started to wash off, I just felt like wanting to grasp life with my bare hands. My life. My time. The years that I got to do what I can with them. Donít let things go. Donít let things unsaid. Donít keep yourself from feeling something. I try to do all those things.

And now Iíll apologize for the endless rambling, but it was good to write this.

Oh wow girl.....thanks for spitting out your feelings....and don't ya dare apologize,God only knows how many times we all came in here and ranted on....whew!!

The quote in bold print says it all for me...shit,my life is so different now...hit me like a ton of bricks. And even after I said what I thought was going on in my head,I still had people in this Forum,good friends of mine,tell me like it is..rubbed my face in it..made me understand...and I am forever grateful...I no longer wish I had more..I only thank God for what I have...I try to NEVER leave things unsaid...even after I say them and run like hell because I think I'm dorking out or something....in PM's, e-mails or phone calls...whatever....I always say I love you ....the list goes on...

I stare out the window and look at the birds eating off the bird feeder I put out there the other day...saw that the darn squirrels were there too and then a cute little bunny hopped over....I smiled and that warm feeling over took me....just the simple things in life.The simple pleasures...that's what it's all about...

I want to thank you Myrine...for allowing us to share your thoughts,your feelings....I hear ya!

your friend,

Nellie
RICKY MARTIN ,tu eres mi Kiki !

Offline PowerOfLove

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #59 on: July 23, 2007, 02:39:11 PM »
How BBM affected me. Okay. Answering this is particularly hard for me, but itís a good place to start. I got to say that Iím a lurker, mostly, and that Iíve read nearly everything you guys have written about this movie. It took time, but now Iím almost updated. Hell, I even think in terms of ďFNITĒ, ďSNITĒ, etc.

Why is it difficult, then? All right, well, maybe it has to do with the fact that this film is something that has become so personal for me - and for every one of you too, of course. I can say it did affect me. How? Fine, Iíll try.

I went to see BBM with a friend one night (I still keep the tickets in my wallet, even if the inkís almost erased) and what I can say is that I didnít come out the same. I went in all happy, cheery and talky and came out as if I had been repeatedly slugged against a wall and punched in the stomach while I watched someone dear to me dying slowly. My friend came out as she had come in (but that goes in another topic), but I had people staring at me on the way home. Iím sure my face was quite a sight. I was devastated on the outside and destroyed on the inside. But I did not cry, not the first time; I was ďjustĒ shocked. When the film ended and the credits began to roll I just sat there, muttering ďitís a tragedy, itís a tragedy, it wasnít their faultĒ like a crazy person. Of course, ĎHe was a friend of mineí, just added the kiss of death to my state of mind. I felt both dead and extremely alive at the same time.

That night I couldnít sleep, and when I finally could, I woke up a dozen times, mixing my dreams with certain scenes of the movie. Itís like I didnít know what hit me, but it had hit me so hard. Of course, nobody understood me, not even the friend I went to see it with. No one was interested in this movie but me. No wonder I felt it like something mine, and no wonder many of you feel that too, even after finding this place, this forum. Most of us have had a period of ďthis movie is mineĒ since no one else could enter your state of mind.

I donít know what it wouldíve done to me if my life had any contextual similarities with those of Jack, Ennis or their families, but it doesnít. First of all, Iím 23, and Iíve only gone out with girls since I was 19. Yes, Iíve suffered, but not like any of them. My mom wonít even talk to me about anything to do with my sexuality; she likes to pretend I donít have one, and she must be blind to my bedroom walls, which have been plastered with singers and actresses since that determinant age. But I havenít been seriously prejudiced by people on the street when theyíve seen me with someone, or by my friends. They know, they donít care. Okay, so their supposed ages at the beginning of the movie and Alma Juniorís age at the end did kinda ring a bell, but what I mean is that nothing contextual related to me at first sight Ė not in age or background. I didnít even feel attraction towards anyone in it (except a platonic one, of course).

I had to go deeper into the movie, then, as the movie did go deep into me. There is a certain ďbasicnessĒ in the film that makes all of us understand Ė that made me understand. I hadnít even seen the trailer, so I just sat down expecting to see something that could be ďquite goodĒ, that could win some Oscars. That was the movie-geek in me. But I must say that I go to watch movies like other people go to church, so when I find that movie, my world turns upside down in revelation, and it will always work for me, it's like a love at first sight that can be revisited.

That ďbasicnessĒ got me, because I had lived it, the longing, the waiting, the insecurities and even the loss (although nothing as terrible as a death, of course). I didnít expect the FNIT, but I understood it in its rawness, like many of their gestures and the reunion kiss. These guys were real, that they couldnít be what they werenít, that everything was just right. The morning after the FNIT was absolutely real to me. I totally adored Ennisís hesitant attitude during the SNIT. That also was absolutely real. But the first scene that grabbed me and kneed me in the stomach was Ennisís breakdown in the alley. That was the most real thing Iíd ever seen (and it's a movie!). It was beautiful, it was terrible, it was authentic and I understood. That I had lived, the mixture between being sick and feeling like crying, but not actually doing none of those things.

I could go on, but why should I summarize the whole movie again for you, if you know it just like I do or better? Just wanted to express that I wasnít the same person, not exactly. I cared so much for them, and the movie had ended. What could I do? For days I just dwelled there, sometimes in this part of the movie, sometimes in that part, but always inside it. And I still remain haunted by it. When all the depression started to wash off, I just felt like wanting to grasp life with my bare hands. My life. My time. The years that I got to do what I can with them. Donít let things go. Donít let things unsaid. Donít keep yourself from feeling something. I try to do all those things.

And now Iíll apologize for the endless rambling, but it was good to write this.


No need to appologize for your rambling. It is great to see you come in here and have so many enlighting things to say to all of us!
What you said made complete sense. Most people here can relate to you 100% ESPECIALLY the effect the movie had on all of us after our first viewing.
Once again, welcome to the forum and I hope to see you posting more often!!
Take care

Power of Love
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