Hi! All:
I can hardly see the screen from the tears in my eyes. I've only been here since Feb 6, 2006, so I still consider myself a Newbie of the Oldies! Settle down, this may be a long post, because the past two years since Brokeback came out have been a roller coaster for me. I want you newer poster/lurkers to know that without this Forum my life ... well, it might have been over, and that's as drastic as it gets. But with the Forum watching my back all this time, I am coming out of this thing smelling like a rose...well, at least when people hug me they say, "Hmmm...you smell good!" A gift of cologne from a fellow Arizona Brokie, back when I couldn't believe anyone would give me a gift so nice.
I just felt drawn here today to write my appreciation for Paintedshoes and all those who befriended, loved, mothered, sistered and brothered me through the crisis that is Brokeback Mountain in many lives.
I'm the 62-year-old, Mormon, married 42+ years guy who came here hoping to save it all and have now found out I can't. I'm separated from my wife, but remain on speaking terms with her, estranged from my church, and in an uneasy truce with my children. Thousands of acquaintances and friends are now on the outside of my life, but the good news is I am building a new life in the gay community, found a good new church, Gentle Shepherd Metropolitan Community Church in Phoenix, and now that I've come through the 'valley of the shadow' of depression and have arrived on the other side, loving every minute of it these days.
Let's just run down this last few days. Phoenix just celebrated its yearly Rainbows Festival and I attended, along with 25,000 others, the two days of festivities. I worked with fellow members of my new church in our booth, and helped staff the Budweiser Beer Wagon (for tips for our Church's General Fund). On the table in our booth, and the thing I talked most about, were flyers for our book, Beyond Brokeback. People are still amazed and wide eyed when they see that we've written a book...it has affected so many the numbers are astronomical in the gay community...almost everyone I've met has a story.
First, I cannot tell you how overwhelmed I was by the emotion of feeling like I had come 'HOME!' The thousands of people at the Festival that streamed by our booth ... I just felt so connected with every individualistic one of them. Big ones, fat ones, tall ones, skinny ones...you know the saying...I was just so thankful to be in the 'in' crowd now. I didn't identify with many of them, but I identified with the fact that they were out and proud of every bit of individuality they could muster.
Funny thing happened...this young man walked by with what I thought were white panties of some kind, and nothing else but his bronze skin and a big smile. I grinned and turned to a co-worker and in amazement said I guess you can do whatever here and no one seems to raise an eyebrow. Did you see that guy? I think all he had on was his underwear! She said, what did you think of his cowboy hat, to which I replied, "What cowboy hat!?!" My face turned all shades of red! We laughed everytime we thought of that for hours! Poor Bobby's first real time "OUT!" What a hoot!
Monday afternoon I went to an appointment with my therapist and wore my Rainbows Festival 2007 T-Shirt and we rejoiced in the changes a year and a half can make. I was bubbly and happy and he was the same for me. He has been a good source of information and hope and advice for me. He's always reminding me that I'm on the right track and not just following that thing that dangles between my legs.
After seeing him I met with my pastor to talk about an offer from the Editor of our paper to write something concerning the candidacy of Mitt Romney for President and the Mormon Church's stand on gays. (BTW- According to them I am to live a celibate life without companionship to prove to the Lord that I am worthy of the Celestial Kingdom, 'when all things will be understood.' As my grandson says, "I don't THINK so, Grandpa!") After awhile we decided that I am doing so well at this time that I don't need to do anything in the paper as far as an editorial.
Last night I went to the theater with a fellow church member who invited me to a First Rehearsal Party for the play, The Pursuit of Happiness, which opens next week. I've never done anything like that before and it was amazing. The Producer, Director, Cast and support staff all sat in chairs at the front of the stage and talked to us about the playwrite and the play. They did a ten minute skit or scene, and then we had a question and answer session. After that we had food from the Big Fat Greek Restaurant across the street, catered, and mingled with cast and crew. It was just fun! My frend and I sat with a couple he knew who had been together 13 years now...one partner had been married for 17 years and had children and grandchildren, so we could relate well to each other. When I took my friend home he invited me to go with him to the Tucson Pride event this weekend (We have ours in the cooler months of the year so we don't kill a lot of people with the heat!)
Saturday morning I came out to my sister-in-law who said she and her husband were gay rights activists on a small scale, walking in marches, etc. I'm sorry I waited so long to tell them.
I write this to just say that I think I've moved to a much better place in my life. I'm positive. I've gained a few pounds but have a plan to get it off again, but still have a total loss with Brokeback of 60 lbs., which ain't small potatoes.
Speaking to the pain of the movie...it is there...I think when I stop and concentrate on how I felt when I first wallowed in its message the pain returns and helps guide me to do more with my life. I want to and will find someone to share it with, as I get my act together a little more. The people here and in my church are wonderful friends and perhaps I'll click with someone. My therapist reminded me that since I'm taking good care of myself, I could live 30 more years...Whoa! But his point was, no one knows what can happen, so just get prepared and live a good life and expect the unexpected!
Life really is good!
Love ya'll,
Bobby
