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Author Topic: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued  (Read 492170 times)

Offline heavenonearth

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #3780 on: July 10, 2018, 04:20:14 AM »
What a great post!  Thanks so much for sharing!

Thank you, Chuck. Feeling so welcomed by you and other Brokies gave me the courage to share openly.
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Offline heavenonearth

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #3781 on: July 10, 2018, 04:40:21 AM »

I have always felt that each and every one of us come to this movie and story in our own time. Every single person here has an individual reaction in our minds and hearts that is ours and ours alone. Yes, the reactions and thoughts may be similar, but there is always just a little difference that makes it uniquely our own, but that all of us can relate to. I think this is why many of us came here and some of us remain.

Thank you so much, Linda, for your beautiful message! It means a lot. Your take is spot-on.

I love what is quoted above, it resonates with the way I see the world and its beings, each unique in their expression and perception. To me, that is the fun and beauty of it all.

I'd like to share with you, that as I travel through the threads, I always stop to read your posts, I find them interesting and often touching.
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Offline heavenonearth

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #3782 on: July 10, 2018, 05:06:12 AM »
It was about 2 years later when I recorded it from the television and it really “hit”me. I watched it over and over, and, like you, fell in love with the film, the characters, the actors, the music, and, a little later and in a different way, the short story. That was 10 years ago now, but the totally unexpected consequences are still with me - friendships, interests, travelling etc.

Sara, many thanks for your message!

It is very interesting how this BBM phenomenon unfolds, one surprise after another.

It makes for a different and interesting experience being on my own in many of the threads, but it's okay, that's how it was meant to be.

I had no interest in travelling these last two years, and then 2 weeks ago an opportunity for a retreat in the foothills of the Rockies, in Loveland, Colorado!! came my way. I jumped at the opportunity. In a matter of one hour, everything was booked. I have been yearning to go to the mountains for months...it's partly BBM fever but it goes deeper... I have loved the mountains all my life, even as a child.

I will not be sharing with Brokies, but as it goes in life, I will be bringing all of my experience with me, so as I soak up those gorgeous mountains, Jack & Ennis, Heath and Jake, and all of you will be with me.

As I said to Linda, I also read your posts. I caught many of your very first ones in this thread. It's very heartwarming to read messages from 10 years ago knowing these members are still part of the forum. Thanks again Sara.
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Offline janiebbmart

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #3783 on: July 10, 2018, 06:28:47 AM »
Thank you for your beautiful, honest and moving post Michelle.  :-*

Offline heavenonearth

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #3784 on: July 10, 2018, 07:03:31 AM »
Thank you for your beautiful, honest and moving post Michelle.  :-*

Many thanks, dear Janie. xox
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Offline Sara B

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #3785 on: July 10, 2018, 07:22:26 AM »
I hope your trip to the mountains goes really well, Michelle. I’ve always loved mountains too, and an just back from a week in the Austrian Alps.
“When we grow older still we’ll speak about those two young men as if they were two strangers..... And we’ll want to call it envy, because to call it regret would break our hearts.”

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Offline heavenonearth

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #3786 on: July 10, 2018, 08:09:24 AM »
I hope your trip to the mountains goes really well, Michelle. I’ve always loved mountains too, and an just back from a week in the Austrian Alps.

Oh, that sounds like an amazing experience! How lovely for you, Sara.

I will be going near the end of September. God willing, it falls into place as planned. 
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Offline killersmom

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #3787 on: July 15, 2018, 02:14:50 PM »
I'd like to share with you, that as I travel through the threads, I always stop to read your posts, I find them interesting and often touching.

Thanks so much, Michelle. I am always worried and wonder that what I write makes sense and hope that folks who read my posts can take something away from what I write and what I feel.

I know it's been almost 13 years for me, I still feel today as I did then. I know this feeling will always be with me.
Nature has cunning ways of finding our weakest spot.
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Offline heavenonearth

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #3788 on: July 15, 2018, 03:32:51 PM »
Thanks so much, Michelle. I am always worried and wonder that what I write makes sense and hope that folks who read my posts can take something away from what I write and what I feel.

I know it's been almost 13 years for me, I still feel today as I did then. I know this feeling will always be with me.

I hear you Linda, I often go back and reread my posts and correct some words or I question what I shared. It mostly comes from the heart and from where I stand, so do your words, so we cannot go wrong.

Your words, the way you express yourself, resonate in my heart. I hope it’s okay I bring this up... I remember one post in particular from 2016 that I actually saved because I thought it was so beautiful and touching, it stayed with me. You shared the following while remembering the fast-paced times on the forum: "before I go to sleep I am transported back there and I smile and remember. I'd like to think this is what got Jack and Ennis through all those years between meetings.” How lovely! Once in a while, when I feel moved by someone’s words, I will save them to read them again later.

I also love what you wrote in this post, that the feeling is still present today and will always be with you. To me that is the beauty of BBM, the love found in the story and in every aspect of the film and this amazing forum never leaves us. It may simply take on a new form in our life and that is the blessing with this experience. Once love is discovered, it can never go away, it just wants to multiply and extend! 

Thank you, Linda.
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Offline heavenonearth

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #3789 on: July 18, 2018, 04:02:50 PM »
Hello Brokies,

I would like to share more on the impact of BBM.

I have gone through this thread and a big chunk of Part 1. I see that many have pointed to this, how BBM made them feel alive with feelings. Feelings of sadness, longing, heartbreak, joy, love, aloneness, loneliness, regret…as though the movie and/or the SS cracked their hearts open, and everything came pouring in and out. It all became alive again. I can so relate.

I came to that realization - that life is "being ignited with myriad feelings" - in the last year or so. Then came the integration, which is an eternal process in my experience. It is while in the crux of this integration that BBM came back into my life. There are no coincidences...

I have been more like Ennis in my life, not that I have been afraid of romantic love, I have been brave some, although going ahead while feeling undeserving of it. But like Ennis, I suppressed many feelings. I did so with the feelings I perceived at the time as “negative” such as anger, sadness, heartbreak... Sixty years + of doing so led to depressed feelings and a great detachment and disconnect to life. Before the realization, I had resigned myself to go through the motions and that I would find peace in the afterlife. Never suicidal but definitely depressed.

A lot of this attitude and those beliefs re feelings were related to my upbringing… Everyone involved was innocent, they did not know anything else and so neither did I, until the realization. And in my eyes, neither did Ennis or Jack. They knew what they knew, their conditioning, their experience…how could they choose outside of that? That is why I could never judge either character. And for me, to do so, takes away from their great love story. They both loved each other unconditionally, frustrations included of course, and that is the beauty and inspiration of their love. And to be honest, nothing in me wishes to change one iota of that awesomely beautiful heart wrenching story. A kick in the gut, a shot in the heart it is, and that is why we are here, still, and that is why the impact is so powerful and transformative.

For me, BBM confirmed, through others’ testimonies and through my own recent experience, that life happens in the heart. That is were our feelings are felt and that is where emotions cross our being. Remove feelings and what are we left with? Images. We often attach stories to those images and that is okay but that is not where we feel alive, it is in our feelings, in our hearts. I remember a few months ago telling a friend, while pointing to my heart area, that I use to be dead there, and then pointing to my head saying that is where I obsessively analyzed and ruminated incessantly. So, I guess Ennis realized many many years before I did, although he paid a dear prize for the realization. Still…he was ignited with love through Jack’s death. That's Ennis' story.

I think IMHO that the movie hit me and many of us as hard as it did and does because it wakes our sleeping hearts, it makes us feel alive to the core and that is an exhilarating feeling.

I have been deeply grateful the last 2 years for what life has revealed, and now I have this beautiful gift of BBM, in all its aspects including this forum, to delight in and find proof over and over how life is diverse and more importantly, all-inclusive. Feel, feel, feel, all my feelings! That’s pretty much it for me. It could be written on my tombstone.

And of course, I can’t post this and not say "some little word"  :) about my darling Heath. I know, ad nauseum maybe...I also feel that I have found an inexplicable love through BBM, and that is my love for Heath, the beautiful human being that he was and the spirit he now is that pierces hearts all over the world, still. This love ignites me big time. To think I did not really know who he was 10 months ago is incomprehensible to me.

Thank you for this opportunity to share more.

with love always
Michelle
xox





« Last Edit: July 19, 2018, 07:54:53 AM by heavenonearth »
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Offline CellarDweller115

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #3790 on: July 18, 2018, 04:51:25 PM »
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings, Michelle!

It's always a treat to read just how "our film" affected everyone, and how they reacted to it!

Offline heavenonearth

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #3791 on: July 18, 2018, 05:23:34 PM »
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings, Michelle!

It's always a treat to read just how "our film" affected everyone, and how they reacted to it!

Thank you, dear Chuck. xx
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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #3792 on: August 02, 2018, 04:51:10 PM »
Dear Brokie Brothers and Sisters,

Okay, here goes, I’m bitting the bullet. Much after the fact, but hey, better late than never...

I tried to keep this on the shorter side but as you can see, I am not very good at that. Where is Annie Proulx when you need her!

I saw BBM when it was first released but I will start with the recent experience and then go back. It appears, out of nowhere, I felt the nudge to again see the movie in November 2017. I downloaded it from my cable provider. I felt some stirrings after the first viewing but nothing major. When I woke up the next morning I watched it again as it was available for 48 hours. A few days later I downloaded it again and decided this could become expensive so I purchased the DVD online. I could not stop thinking about it. It is the most beautiful love story I have ever seen. It is real and extraordinarily moving. I fell in love with Jack and Ennis, their story, the breathtaking scenery, the mountains, the music… The movie’s staying power speaks for itself (when the time is right it seems…). It took hold of my heart and has not let go, nor do I want it to. As one woman that interviewed Jake said to him, “you and Heath, that particular combination was, and remains, one of the beautiful examples of male love we have on screen, it’s that simple”. You bet!!!

I bought the short story around the same time and a while later the screenplay. The SS bowled me over. In certain passages, I would feel my heart rising up my throat and I had to stop reading as this overwhelming nostalgia took my breath away. It felt beautiful, alive, bittersweet, heartbreaking, and all-consuming. I can still have this experience when reading it or listening to the audio version, but not as intensely.

As I googled for info on the movie, the actors…as I like to do, I came across the forum and have been reading voraciously ever since. I decided to register in March. I am a firm believer that life is spontaneous and that nothing happens by accident.

After being touched by many moving, sad, passionate, and inspiring posts on this thread, I feel the nudge to try and share how BB has affected me. It is difficult to put into words as it forever morphs and is a journey filled with emotions, but I will try. I intend to keep it honest, if not, what is the point.

I saw BB for the first time, at some point in 2005-06. I cannot remember anything about the experience, aside from the lingering feeling that I had liked it and thought it was beautiful. I do not remember thinking much about it after seeing it. At the time, I lived with my partner, a woman that I loved, from spring 2005 to spring 2006, when we decided to break up and sell the house. I divorced in 1996 after a 23 year marriage to a man that I loved. Suffice to say, those years were emotionally tumultuous and very challenging.

As an aside, and to share a bit about me, I have never labelled myself, only because no label seemed to fit. Although I am not a big fan of labels in general, I would happily and proudly say I am gay if it felt true. Even bisexual does not quite fit. Whatever life brings that resonates as true and good in the instant is what I go with, and I cannot predict the future, so I simply remain open to life.

Two years after originally (2005-06) seeing BB, I would have been unable to tell you the names of the actors. I did not know Heath or Jake before seeing the movie. There is one memory that stuck; it is a phone call from my daughter in 2008. I answered the phone and she said, sounding distressed and saddened, “mom, have you heard?”. I said “heard what?”, and she informed me that Heath Ledger had died. I feel some shame now in sharing that I asked her who Heath Ledger was. I do not remember the rest of the conversation with my daughter. It is interesting how this memory lay dormant, only to resurface when I rediscovered BB in the fall. It is a grieving process that feels fresh to me. Of course I feel sad Heath is no longer in this world, but I also see that although his body is no longer here, his spirit is very much alive and permeates every bit of eternal space there is. He lives inside our hearts, in a real way. I know he lives inside mine. It feels so real that I sometimes experience jolts when I remember he has died.

Some of you that frequent the Planet Heath thread probably know that I am deeply in love with Heath. Not in a romantic way, I simply love him immensely. As I type this, my eyes well up. I watched many interviews with the boys, Ang Lee…and it is through these that I got to know Heath, the incredibly loving and gentle human being that he was, and I have grown to love him in an inexplicable way.

Now, I love Jake also, there isn't anything about Jake not to love. There isn’t anyone I do not love to be honest. I still choose who I hang around with, befriend…but I carry a lot of love in my heart for all my brothers and sisters. And then, out of the blue it seems, someone comes along, even someone that has passed away, and steals your heart, and in turn, you give it readily and freely. Heath has my heart. This may sound crazy but it’s the truth… I feel safe in sharing this here, I would not anywhere else. One of my sisters and my daughters know I love him but they do not understand the depth, and the last thing I want is for this to become something to joke or tease me about, so I keep it close to my heart for the most part. Thank you for this safe haven to share something very precious that I hold dear.

I have done a great deal of healing and letting go in the last two years. My heart is expanding infinitely and it is as though the movie, the SS, and my beloved Heath have entered my heart and are enabling a wider and deeper expansion. That is how BBM has affected me, it has blessed and gifted me with such love. It has made me a more sensitive and compassionate human being. I am very easily moved and touched by life, by my brothers and sisters’ lives, their heartbreaks, their joys, their kindnesses and generosities, by the world at large. I have come to see all of us inhabiting this universe, as family. This forum is proof of that. Another way love unites us all.

I have felt very welcomed by the members of this forum. I have not been visiting long and I am EXTREMELY late to the party, yet that does not take away how everyone I have come in contact with has been sweet, helpful, kind, generous, fun-loving and supportive. The writing skills and the insights shared are phenomenal. Reading and taking a wee part in the sharing has brought me a lot of joy these last few months. I have cried, I have laughed my a** off, and I have been moved by many of your words, whether they are written of late or from ten years ago. It has enriched my BBM experience in a way that would not have been possible otherwise. I feel truly blessed, thank you.

Even though we have never met in person, I feel love for all of you. I love the human beings that you are and I feel the connection of our spirit, our essence, that is where I feel we join in sameness. For me, it’s all about love, only about love, for when everything is said and done, when one day we will find ourselves moving onto the next phase of this eternal adventure called life, love is all we get to bring with us and leave behind, it is the only reality. Our Heath is pretty awesome proof of that!

Thank you for the opportunity to share and if you have read to the end, bless you my friends!

All my love,
Michelle
xox


heavenonearth,


Hello there.  I don't think that you are "late to the party" at all.  I'm glad that you enjoyed "Brokeback Mountain" (2005) and thanks for sharing your story.  When Heath Ledger died, I just felt so terrible for his loved ones and the film industry.  Heath had a captivating personality, I would like to see a major theatrical film on his life someday.  It is always interesting to see what affect the characters of Jack and Ennis have on people, they are both fictional people who have never existed, but many people from around the world have probably had some life experiences that are very similar to theirs and that is what really makes me think.

Offline heavenonearth

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Re: How Brokeback Affected Me--continued
« Reply #3793 on: August 02, 2018, 06:10:45 PM »

heavenonearth,


Hello there.  I don't think that you are "late to the party" at all.  I'm glad that you enjoyed "Brokeback Mountain" (2005) and thanks for sharing your story.  When Heath Ledger died, I just felt so terrible for his loved ones and the film industry.  Heath had a captivating personality, I would like to see a major theatrical film on his life someday.  It is always interesting to see what affect the characters of Jack and Ennis have on people, they are both fictional people who have never existed, but many people from around the world have probably had some life experiences that are very similar to theirs and that is what really makes me think.

Thanks, B.W. Someone on the forum has as their signature quote (?) something like “Some fictional characters are more real than others.” So true.

I sure do love the SS, the movie, and its unforgettable characters, Jack and Ennis. I do not see that changing. Yet, honoring and protecting Heath’s memory has become more important to me than BBM.
I know a love that will never grow old.