How the Dave Cullen Forum Has Affected Me

[Rob in Puyallup]

A very beautiful video, Jack. Brought me a tear or two.

Thanks for bringing it to our attention.

Hugs
Rob

[Flyboy]

Thanks Jack, that nearly brought me to tears as well. I'm in a difficult period right now; but I have been lucky to have a few people in my life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. This forum has affected me, and in a good way, i believe it's here for a reason in my life right now..........

[jack]

when i first read that, in one of those viral postiongs, a light bulb went on for me.  i think i had gotten most of the way there, but it has been my nature to try to hold on to those miraculous enlightening enriching and loving friendships/loves that i have been blessed with, wanting to preserve them in amber as they were, and in so doing, devaluing what they were becoming and had been.  i have been trying for some years now, without the words to express it, really, to hold on loosely, with an open hand, so to speak.  that is not only applicable to people, but to the transitory nature of institutions and systems.

this forum is what it is, and the relationships occurring within it are what they are.  machines WILL break down, and people WILL fail us.  this is not a bad thing, it is just the nature of things.  one thing about getting old (and paying attention) is that you learn that oftentimes that which leaves you, returns, and in a healthier incarnation, if it is meant so to be, or is replaced by the next stage of that needs evolution.  i know more of what i need and demand in a relationship as a result of relationships that withered and died... if i listened and learned.

as many of you know, i work very hard at maintaining lines of communication with those i hold dear, but, i do so without any expectation of reciprocation.  i do this, becuase this is what i do, and it is a part of my value system.  some relationships will just fade away, some never to return, and amazingly, with just the occasional whisper of openness a new variation will spring forth from the old.  que sera, sera, insh allah, and all the variations on that theme those with wisdom have comforted both themselves and others.

it took me 60 years to understand the parable of the prodigal son...

jack   

[Tigs]

this gets around a lot. it made it to brokeback mountain as well.

i don't know if this speaks as well for rob, but i believe as he does... i KNOW as he does, that we come together and flow apart to answer to the will of the universal.  no one is in your life who isn't there to instruct you on your journey, and the teacher ALWAYS appears when the pupil is ready. 

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MTJTWkbWSSE

Great video Jack

Thanks

Sal     

[dahlia]

In the beginning, for me, it was all about the movie.  I was so touched by the movie that I sought out everything I could find about it online, not even imagining that a place like the DC Forum existed, where a large group of people could talk to each other.  When I discovered the Dave Cullen Forum, it was my first experience with any kind of online forum.  But I didn't really see the people behind the screen names.
At first I was mostly interested in figuring out the movie -- what had I really seen, what did it mean.  For that, I went to the Scene-by-Scene Analysis thread, and tried to understand what everyone else there was saying.  I wanted to hear different interpretations of various scenes.  I only posted a little bit, because it seemed that the discussion was farther along than my thinking was at that point, and that I could learn best just by reading (what I came to learn was called "lurking").

However, what I have taken away from this membership is that I feel I know gay people better and more intimately than I did before joining the Forum.  I am now interested in reading about how homophobia affected some members; how their families reacted to their coming out; how AIDS affected those who lost friends; how some suffered from youth and still do, and most of all, how so many have lived a happy and fulfilled life in spite of events that would have crippled many people. 
I can count on one hand how many gay people I know in RL, so being a member of the Forum has introduced me to so many who, even though they are virtual as opposed to real, have affected me in new ways -- I'm interested in their lives and how they live; what they do with their free time; their relationships; their happiness and, most of all, their humanity which is reflected in the kindness and understanding that they exhibit in the various commentaries I read here.

The film blew of as a bomb or something in my life
You all made this a welcoming and friendly place. It already affects me a lot.

The forum was an utter sanctuary of people who knew exactly where I was in my life as they were in the same place.
Sometimes I get so incensed by the attitudes and opinions of some posters that it makes it necessary to disappear for a while, but not to the point of deleting my account. I want to be able to look back at what I wrote, and even if it’s not how I feel now, it’s a reminder of how I felt then, at that point in time. Like looking at old photos…Feeling that nostalgia.

.....this is my 1000th post. You said most of it so well before me so I just quoted some of you.

I never thought I'd get here.....and I love when life brings me unexpected gifts!

I hug you all (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((mybelovedfriendsbrotherssistersdarlingbrokies))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[desertrat]

having just come back last night from a vacation with a wonderful group of friends i have made here, i have to say that while it is true that this place has changed, i'm not really sad about it. the first days of this forum were dedicated to sharing pain. then the healing started. and now ? well, either we venture back out into our very own story, the adventure called life, or we do so while having found a couple of like-minded people that got close to us.

BBM hasn't changed my life. my life was good as it was. yet, it has made me understand some things about me better, helped me to deal with pain that was in my past. but above all, through this forum, it has helped me to find a group of people who share a little piece of my soul, and who understand me and are close to me in ways that other people will never be able to.

[desertrat]

MARTINA LOOKS LIKE SHE IS SOOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY!!!

LOL

and right back at ya, E....

yeah....like DRUNK maybe...bwahahah

i WAS happy ! it was new year's eve after all and we had just come from a great visit to the british museum and got our first beer in the pub! and i was not drunk.....yet. 

[Zudos]

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OUR FRIENDS ACROSS THE WORLD FROM THE LONDON UNITED NATIONS GET TOGETHER CREW



Lots of Love

Marc, Florian, Wayne, Marleen, Jari and Martina
 

ahhhhhh. pictures like this are so nice to see.

first, i just like looking at the happy people. and it's cool to think about how you never would have encountered each other without this place.

Thanks Dave... We had a great time...!!!!!

And you are more than welcome to visit at any time...

Of course as long as you accept my friend request on facebook....hehehe  

[Zudos]

Nellie do not think that you are getting rid of me... Thats just not possible...

[Zudos]

having just come back last night from a vacation with a wonderful group of friends i have made here

And it was so wonderful that you and Flo could come over, and it was possible because of this place...

[mcnell1120]

Nellie do not think that you are getting rid of me... Thats just not possible...

Hell naw.......... ....you are one of my friends I hold closest to my heart...are you loco?.....lol

[Zudos]

Nellie do not think that you are getting rid of me... Thats just not possible...

Hell naw.......... ....you are one of my friends I hold closest to my heart...are you loco?.....lol

Ahhhh And you to me sweetheart....

[HazelEyedRaven]

Tracie...

When you find yourself ready for one of those friendships, remember little old me just down the road.

Recalling our connection at the Castro Theater... with goosebumps.

Hugs,
Rob

I do remember and think of you often.  I'm kind of like a stray cat.  I don't really connect to anyone right away but do eventually come around.  (Sound like anyone you know?  ENNIS!!!)

I've been perusing the old posts from 2 years ago, my own and others.  I've checked to see how long some of the members who were really active back then have been gone or idle.  Some stopped shortly after the movie left the theaters, many after the summer of '06.  I remember HEAVY traffic back in the early days.  And I wonder to myself, "Where did everybody go?  How did they move on?  Was this just a blip on their radar, a turning point or brief trend that has passed?"  Not to diminish those who have stayed and are certainly more active than me, but I can't help but look back with sorrow, reminiscing, longing for those days, wishing they'd return. 

I wish I could contact all these people and ask them all those questions.  What did it mean?  How did it affect them?  How come they don't come back?  Does it still affect them?  Or has it passed?

I wonder these things because my own BBM experience, while enlightening, has been like a terrible heartbreak for me.  Anyone know what I mean?  I've had my heart broken before and it hurts terribly.  I have that same feeling with BBM and the whole period of time around the movie's original theater time.  I long for that time the way I long for an old lover that has gone away.

I wish I could bring it back.  I wish I could turn back the clock.  Go back to that time and place, immerse myself in it and stay forever. 

But I can't.  I can't make it come back.  And I miss it so terribly.

Sound familiar?  Those words could be words Ennis thought after he lost Jack. 

Interesting.

Tracie, I am biased, but Rob is a real sweetheart and he believes in this "connected greater whole" and speaks of you and your "strange" encounter in mystical terms. As a consequence he and I too believe it is a connection of significance.

I was fortunate, I think, that so soon after BBM trashed all that I knew, I met Rob and between us we must have spent hundreds of hours talking out that BBM devastation and we were able to make that "hurt" something positive for us.

I used to be one of the forum's high posters, in and out of many threads both serious and trivial. Spending hours & hours here, talking communicating with all and sundry, new and old. There was a vibrancy and a sense of longing here in the early months of the forum, that I agree certainly is not here now.

But having said that many people eventually understood what the film did for them and meant for them. This meaning was absorbed into who they are and many, many of us have changed our lives, added to our circle of friends and look at life anew. But it is clear from comments made recently, that people miss those days, miss those feelings. For many it was the first time they had allowed themselves to truly feel anything in years and that can be a very energising experience. Like yourself and Bethie, people miss the hurt, the bittersweet pit that they found in themselves.

We all react differingly, we all cope in differing ways, we all heal at different speeds, we all get nourished by different things.

I thought that BBM moving me was a thing of the past, but just recently in the midst of illness and Christmas loneliness, I decided to listen to the BBM orchestral score. And very much to my own surprise, I found it devastating - it took me back to how I felt in the first few weeks after seeing the movie the first time. Perversely I was comforted by how I felt.

There was however, a realisation that because my world has gone through a total change since those early days, the sadness & rawness I felt was for new things. No longer was I crying over my own bitterness, emptiness and hopelessness like I was in 2006, but crying for a happiness that is, for the time being, just beyond my reach, crying for the suffering of a parent that will only get worse in 2008, crying for new things in me.

So yes it does move on, but it isn't the film/forum that is different, it is me. I learnt to change and cope after the film and the early days of the forum. I also learnt that there are people to turn/talk to if i need them. I learnt that the depth of feeling is still within me (believe me I had wondered whether I still had it).

I don't need to get it back, I am just glad I know I can feel it again in the future. Energy is better spent on acceptance and learning.

I choose to find happiness (despite how difficult that is to remember at times)

Nick
xxxxx

Nick-
Thank you so very much for all your kind words.  And it is nice to know that others feel the way I do, while unexplainable, we miss the depth of our own sorrow.  But the good news, as you have so eloquently put it, is that we experience it differently today than we did then.

I know now why Rob speaks so highly and lovingly of you.  You seem like a dear, dear person.  I wish for all the best for you both.  And hopefully we'll get around to meeting sometime.

Thank you again for your kind and inspiring words.

Hazel

[huntinbuddy]

Two years ago tonight, this very hour, I drove just a couple miles to a local theatre where a film called Brokeback Mountain had been showing for a couple weeks.  I had not read the short story, and only knew from what I had heard that it was "the gay cowboy movie."  Much like many others, I left the theatre just devastated; disoriented really as I actually drove right through a red light on the way home.  Thank God, no one was coming from the other direction.  What I had just seen so overwhelmed me and took me back to the late summer of 1980 when I learned about love and loss at the age of 22.

I couldn't really believe so many of the similarities between myself (an Ennis) and my Jack who died that summer (at age 22 also) from an automobile accident.  Much like a train wreck, I had to go back and have another look, so I went back for the late show that same night, and bawled my eyes out.  The next day, at work I was not there at all.  My mind was simply reeling with what I had seen.  I had seen some haunting movies in the past, but this one just wouldn't go away.  So I got on the internet, and as Ennis would say "that's how I ended up here."  I joined four days later on the 18th of January, and found I was not alone in how I felt.  Brokeback Mountain tells a mournful story of love and longing in such a way that I and obviously many others just can't forget it.

It's an uncommon love story, yet is as hauntingly beautiful as the majestic Wyoming scenery it embraces.  Nearly everyone I worked with two years ago, was snickering about it being the "gay cowboy" movie, and were shocked that I would go see it.  Several days later in the break room, the topic came up and I mentioned I had went to see the film.  The reaction was mostly disgust and shock, but I didn't mince any words; simply told all who were there if they didn't have the capacity to accept people for who they are, then don't bother to see it; if they were judgmental or immature, it's not for them.  And surprisingly, most went to see it before it left town.

Like many others I seen Brokeback Mountain more than a few times during its theatrical release.  Couldn't wait to get the DVD, and did so the day it came out, but surprisingly have watched it probably only a half dozen times in the past two years.  It is just too painful.  Would love to make it to one of the gatherings, but have yet to take that step and just go.  This forum has been a godsend, and I have met and made many new friends here.  Thank you Dave Cullen for keeping this site active.
 
 
 

[Flyboy]

Great post Charlie, and please accept my belated condolences on the loss of your 'Jack' at such a young age. This Forum has meant so much to so many folks it's just amazing, we seem to draw strength from it and each other...........Jonn