| "Often, the husbands deny their feelings. They want a traditional life with a wife and children. The majority are not duplicitous. They love their wives, and hope their sexual attraction to men will go away. Being gay and being a family man are, for the most part, mutually exclusive in our society.
'"Yes, I had feelings about men," says Tom of Chicago, age thirty-seven, who came out to his wife ten years ago, and asked that his last name not be used. "But I never thought I'd deal with it. I didn't think I had a choice. I didn't think I'd ever act on it, and I prayed it would go away."
"Tom, who came out shortly after the birth of his child caused him to evaluate his life, says, "I didn't want to be gay. Why would anyone choose a life of ridicule and scorn? I truly loved my wife and cared about her, but I realized it wasn't fair to her to stay together."
"Susan, a thirty-eight year old Chicago mother of two who requested we not use her last name, learned her husband was gay ten months ago. The disclosure came after a period of serious depression and his attempted suicide. "It was almost a relief to me when he came out, because finally I knew what was triggering his depression," she says.
"Many times, both husband and wife have had few other sexual partners before marriage, are religious, and/or young when married. For both Louise and Susan, all three were true.
"These couples often fear the reactions of their community. Whether for religious reasons, fear of the husband's job being in jeopardy, or basic concern for what others will think, the pressure to keep the disclosure a secret is immense. This becomes a double-whammy for the wives, who not only have to absorb the shock that their husband prefers men, but at the same time feel like they can't talk with anyone. This isolation only adds to the trauma.
“Many times, both husband and wife have had few other sexual partners before marriage, are religious, and/or young when married.”
'"You have this big dark secret, and a real fear of judgment," says Louise. You can't tell anyone anything, you can't tell the truth. Yet people still want to know WHY you are getting divorced. You realize, 'I'm the morning coffee talk now.'"
"Those who do eventually share their secret encounter mixed responses. Louise's priest gave her simple advice. "Your husband can't be gay, and you can't get divorced," she says he told her. She eventually found a good therapist and close friends who offered unconditional love and support. Both families were surprisingly supportive once informed.
"Surprisingly enough, not all marriages where the husband comes out end in divorce. According to Buxton, "One third break up right away. One third stay together for awhile to sort it out, and one third stay to make it work. About half of those succeed. Roughly fifteen percent are still together more than three years after the disclosure."
'"For most of the people who are still together, it's because they love each other very much, and have a history and a family in common. They're best friends," says Cherie, whose marriage has endured eight years beyond her husband's coming out. They've reached an agreement where her husband has a relationship with only one gay man, whom he sees two specific nights a week, which isn't always easy for Cherie. "My jealousy with Jim is there. Sometimes the relationship threatens me."
"All the women who have been through this process have similar recommendations for other women whose husbands have come out. Most agree that it's important to take it slow.
"Give it time," says Susan. "I wanted it to be all solved in the first two weeks. It can't be. It takes time."'
Read more. Source: mindspring.com Photo from How to Confront A Cheating Husband Source: ehow.com | |