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Author Topic: The Latest News From The Onion  (Read 19285 times)

Offline Marge_Innavera

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The Latest News From The Onion
« on: February 19, 2011, 01:49:14 PM »
Future U.S. History Students: 'It's Pretty Embarrassing How Long You Guys Took To Legalize Gay Marriage'

DECATUR, IL, THE YEAR 2083—According to students in Mr. Bernard's fourth-period U.S. history class, it's "really pathetic" how long it took for early-21st-century Americans to finally legalize gay marriage.

The classroom of 15-year-olds at MacArthur High School—all of whom were born in the late 2060s and grew up never questioning the obvious fact that homosexual couples deserve the right to get married—were reportedly "amazed" to learn in their Modern U.S. History: 2081 Edition textbooks that as late as the 2020s, gays and lesbians actually had to fight for the constitutional right to wed.

"Wow, that is nuts," said student Jeremy Golliver, who claimed he knew gay rights was a struggle "like, a hundred years ago" but didn't realize it lasted so long. "It's really embarrassing, when you think about it. Just the fact that people in this century were actually saying things like, 'No, gays should not be allowed to marry,' and were getting all up in arms about it, as if homosexuals weren't full citizens or something. It's insane."

"I mean, was everybody just a huge bigot back then or what?" Golliver added.

The late-21st-century high schoolers told reporters that while many of them had seen depictions of the struggle for gay rights in "old movies" such as Milk, it was "bizarre" to read about how, just 70 or so years ago in the 2010s, many Americans truly thought that gay marriage would somehow destroy the fabric of the country.

"There were apparently these really important senators named John McCain and John Kerry who said that marriage should only be between a man and a woman," said a visually baffled Kevin Wu-Picarsic, adding that he couldn't imagine people like that actually being in charge of the country. "I guess in the end I feel really bad for gay people back then who loved each other and wanted to get married. What a sucky time to live."


read the full story at http://www.theonion.com/articles/future-us-history-students-its-pretty-embarrassing,19099/
" 'Red' states are the meth labs of democracy."

Offline Marge_Innavera

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Re: The Latest News From The Onion: GOP battles
« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2011, 01:59:41 PM »

Are The Republican Battles Becoming Too Public?

In the latest instance of discord within the Republican party, former senator Rick Santorum publicly rebuked GOP star Sarah Palin's decision not to attend the annual Conservative Political Action Conference, implying that she was more concerned with money than governing. Here is further evidence of a party in turmoil:


Nov. 2008: Following their failure to capture the presidency, Republicans are split into two factions: one supporting the traditional elephant logo, and another backing a new logo featuring an elephant that has a machine gun for a trunk, sunglasses, and a humongous erect penis.

Nov. 19, 2010: Mississippi governor Haley Barbour takes a swing at Mitt Romney, misses, and then has to sit down for 45 minutes to catch his breath.

Dec. 8, 2010: In a live broadcast on Fox And Friends, Mike Huckabee and Texas governor Rick Perry get into a heated argument over who hates science more.

full story at http://www.theonion.com/articles/are-the-republican-battles-becoming-too-public,19189/?utm_medium=promobar&utm_campaign=recirculation 
" 'Red' states are the meth labs of democracy."

tonydude

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Re: The Latest News From The Onion
« Reply #2 on: February 19, 2011, 02:07:51 PM »
 Great idea for a thread - will be all the more informed, which is helpful.  Thanks!

Offline fritzkep

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Re: The Latest News From The Onion
« Reply #3 on: February 19, 2011, 03:17:27 PM »
Yep! Keep 'em coming!

Werd ich zum Augenblicke sagen, "Verweile doch! Du bist so schön..."

Offline CellarDweller115

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Re: The Latest News From The Onion
« Reply #4 on: February 19, 2011, 05:08:09 PM »
LMAO!  I love The Onion!  Great idea for a thread!

Offline BayCityJohn

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Re: The Latest News From The Onion
« Reply #5 on: February 19, 2011, 05:22:06 PM »
Nation's Fast Food Patrons No Longer Trusted To Dispense Own Ketchup Condiments


 WASHINGTON—In an effort to cut condiment ketchup expenses and address the gluttony, waste, and utter lack of self-restraint exhibited by Americans, officials from the fast food industry announced Monday a new policy prohibiting all customers from dispensing their own ketchup condiments.

"We thought our patrons were responsible enough to handle a self-service ketchup condiments pump," said McDonald's CEO James A. Skinner, who claimed that fast food industry leaders were partially to blame for overestimating the maturity of the American public. "However, after watching the way you disgusting people behave when entrusted with a little independence, it's clear that we made a terrible mistake."

"Unlimited access to ketchup condiments is a privilege," Skinner continued, "not a right."

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/nations_fast_food_patrons_no
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Offline BayCityJohn

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Re: The Latest News From The Onion
« Reply #6 on: February 19, 2011, 05:24:09 PM »
New Study Confirms Humans Only Use 10% Of Genitalia

BOSTON—A surprising new study published in The New England Journal Of Medicine this week has revealed that human beings only use 10 percent of their genitalia at any given time. "To think of all that we could accomplish if we just unlocked the remaining 90 percent,"

http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-study-confirms-humans-only-use-10-of-genitalia,17456/
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Offline BayCityJohn

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Re: The Latest News From The Onion
« Reply #7 on: February 19, 2011, 05:28:33 PM »
Gay Shame Parade



The Onion reported that the parade "featured the usual assemblage of police cruisers, fire trucks, antique cars, and farm equipment, which local residents had draped in red-white-and-blue banners that read "Burn in the Eternal Flames of Hell!" . . . Members of the Grand Plains Area Wives Association followed behind with a 15-foot hand-sewn banner, cosponsored by Jerry's Auto Body, which read: "GPAWA and Jerry's Cringe To Think What You're Putting Your Family Through."  No parade would be complete without a King and Queen, who in this case were "6-year-olds Christopher Weiland and Courtney Wendt, who were crowned "Junior Mister and Miss Heterosexual" on Saturday."

"Spectators couldn't help but be delighted by the parade's surprise finale," the article concludes, "when, after dutifully leading the marching band for the entire mile-long parade route, local music teacher Colin Atherton was marched past the county line and told never, ever to return."

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/small_town_holds_annual_gay_shame
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Offline BayCityJohn

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Re: The Latest News From The Onion
« Reply #8 on: February 19, 2011, 05:32:27 PM »
Gay Teen Worried He Might Be Christian

LOUISVILLE, KY—At first glance, high school senior Lucas Faber, 18, seems like any ordinary gay teen. He's a member of his school's swing choir, enjoys shopping at the mall, and has sex with other males his age. But lately, a growing worry has begun to plague this young gay man. A gnawing feeling that, deep down, he may be a fundamentalist, right-wing Christian.

"I don't know what's happening to me," Faber admitted to reporters Monday. "It's like I get these weird urges sometimes, and suddenly I'm tempted to go behind my friends' backs and attend a megachurch service, or censor books in the school library in some way. Even just the thought of organizing a CD-burning turns me on."

http://www.theonion.com/articles/gay-teen-worried-he-might-be-christian,2888/
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Offline Marge_Innavera

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Re: The Latest News From The Onion
« Reply #9 on: February 19, 2011, 09:20:27 PM »
Current & past classics from the Onion's "American Voices" poll feature.

Gay Cowboy Film Buzz
December 19, 2005 * Issue 41*50

"Brokeback Mountain, Ang Lee's controversial gay cowboy film, is generating Oscar buzz. What do you think?"

Kelly Neese, Waitress  "I'm not sure I understand what all the hubbub is about. Wait, one of them isn't black, is he?"

Sean Byrne, Saucier  "I'm sorry, but you couldn't pay me to see a movie about love."

http://www.theonion.com/articles/gay-cowboy-film-buzz,14893/


Gay Adoption

March 27, 2002  Issue 38*11

"Rosie O'Donnell, an adoptive parent and newly out lesbian, called Florida's and President Bush's opposition to gay adoption "wrong." What do you think?"

Dan Durkee Bond Trader  "As long as they're closeted gays, I have no problem with it."

Roberta Diamond Teacher  "The last thing we need is to put children in the hands of people who actually want them."

http://www.theonion.com/articles/gay-adoption,14442/


The First Gay Bishop
August 13, 2003 (Issue 39*31)

The Rev. V. Gene Robinson recently won confirmation as the first openly gay bishop in the Episcopal Church, prompting protests and walk-outs. What do you think?

Ryan Reiff Systems Analyst   "Now that the church has been compassionate and reasonable about this, people are going to expect that all the time."

Katherine Millard Musician  "Since when is it a crime to be gay? Oh, yeah. Up until a few weeks ago. Well, it's not anymore. Get with it."

http://www.theonion.com/articles/the-first-gay-bishop,14612/
" 'Red' states are the meth labs of democracy."

Offline Sason

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Re: The Latest News From The Onion
« Reply #10 on: February 20, 2011, 06:01:58 AM »
 ;D ;D ;D

Great thread!

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Offline Marge_Innavera

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Re: The Latest News From The Onion
« Reply #11 on: February 22, 2011, 08:37:48 AM »

Even Michael Vick A Little Uneasy About How Easily People Have Forgiven Him

HAMPTON, VIRGINIA—During a press conference Wednesday, Michael Vick admitted that he was both surprised and somewhat disturbed at how quickly and easily the NFL and its fans have forgiven him for running an illegal dogfighting ring. "I have to say that, while being a crowd favorite again has made my life substantially easier, I guess I'm a little weirded out by how little it took for people to fully embrace me, considering what I did to those dogs," said Vick, who also wondered aloud what it says about American society that he is once again a beloved sports figure. "To be honest, I haven't really forgiven myself for what I've done. Does everyone remember what I did to those dogs? The electrocution? The drowning? The pits of dog carcasses? I guess we all deserve second chances, but all I did was play some good football." Vick added that his 2010 Comeback Player of the Year award amounted to "some sort of insane joke."
" 'Red' states are the meth labs of democracy."

Offline Marge_Innavera

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Re: The Latest News From The Onion
« Reply #12 on: February 22, 2011, 08:42:02 AM »
Embarrassed Republicans Admit They've Been Thinking Of Eisenhower Whole Time They've Been Praising Reagan

WASHINGTON—At a press conference Monday, visibly embarrassed leaders of the Republican National Committee acknowledged that their nonstop, effusive praise of Ronald Reagan has been wholly unintentional, admitting they somehow managed to confuse him with Dwight D. Eisenhower for years.

The GOP's humiliating blunder was discovered last weekend by RNC chairman Reince Priebus, who realized his party had been extolling "completely the wrong guy" after he watched the History Channel special Eisenhower: An American Portrait.

~             ~              ~               ~              ~             ~

"Wait, you're telling me Reagan advocated that trickle-down nonsense that was debunked years ago? That was Reagan?" Sen. John Thune (R-SD) said upon hearing of the mistake. "I can't believe I've been calling for a return to Reagan's America. I feel like an asshole."

According to sources, millions of younger Republicans have spent most of their lives viewing Reagan a stalwart of conservative principles, and many were "horrified" to learn that the former president illegally sold weapons to Iran, declared amnesty for 2.9 million illegal immigrants, costarred in a movie with a chimpanzee, funneled aid to Islamic militants in Afghanistan, and suffered from severe mental problems.

In the wake of the GOP's revelation, Congress has passed bills to rename Reagan National Airport and the USS Ronald Reagan aircraft carrier in honor of Eisenhower. A number of potential 2012 Republican presidential contenders have also rushed to reframe their agendas in terms of "Eisenhower ideals" while distancing themselves from Reagan.

"It's absolutely mortifying to suddenly realize that the man you had long credited as a champion of fiscal conservatism actually tripled the national debt and signed the largest peacetime tax hike in U.S. history," said former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, adding that he was ashamed to learn that the man he once called his hero stood by silently while the AIDS epidemic exploded. "Frankly, I can't even believe that fucker had the balls to call himself a conservative."


full story at http://www.theonion.com/articles/embarrassed-republicans-admit-theyve-been-thinking,19248/
" 'Red' states are the meth labs of democracy."

Offline CellarDweller115

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Re: The Latest News From The Onion
« Reply #13 on: February 22, 2011, 08:45:16 AM »
Latest Sarah Palin Speech Opens Sixth Seal


IDAHO FALLS, ID—Speaking unto an audience of anti-immigration advocates, global-warming deniers, and members of the Tea Party Nation, former Alaska governor and vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin gave forth utterances Monday that reportedly opened the sixth seal of the Book of the Apocalypse.

"Wow, it's good to be here, just shootin' the breeze with a bunch of real, hardworking Americans who love their freedom," said Palin, her words echoing across the Idaho Falls Civic Auditorium as mighty tremors caused great unrest beneath the land and the sea. "So are the little guys like you and me gonna fight these Washington insiders with their big government agenda? You betcha we are!"

And lo, there was then a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair; and the moon became as blood; and "gosh" was spoken repeatedly; and the stars of heaven fell upon the earth, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs, when she is shaken by a mighty wind.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/latest-sarah-palin-speech-opens-sixth-seal,2917/

Offline CellarDweller115

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Re: The Latest News From The Onion
« Reply #14 on: February 22, 2011, 09:01:20 AM »
Not so new, but it made me laugh this morning.

 :D :D

Controversial Court Ruling Upholds Homosexual's Right To Prance Around Demanding Attention And Being A Drama Queen


HARTFORD, CT—The Connecticut Supreme Court on Monday upheld the right of individuals, regardless of sexual orientation, to engage in any number of "grandiose behaviors," including, but not limited to, sashaying across the room "like a hussy, yelling 'Oh my God!' at the top of their lungs while hopping up and down, and generally acting like Miss Thing."

The court ruled 5-2 in favor of the plaintiff in Carmichael v. State of Connecticut, a landmark case overturning a lower court's decision against homosexual Michael Carmichael's right to excessive theatrics. Writing for the majority, Chief Justice Chase T. Rogers argued that "although the loud and emotionally over-the-top behaviors of Mr. Carmichael may be considered annoying by the community standards established by both his heterosexual and homosexual peers, the question of whether or not an individual is acting overly queeny is not a matter for the law to determine."

The ruling, which effectively affirms the right of all attention whores to make a complete spectacle of themselves, is already being contested by conservative groups and is expected to be appealed.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/controversial-court-ruling-upholds-homosexuals-rig,2469/