The Latest News From The Onion

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37-Year-Old Makes Absolutely Heartbreaking Last-Ditch Effort To Get Really Into New Band




INDIANAPOLIS—Saying he was really starting to appreciate the group’s sound, local 37-year-old Ed Johnstone reportedly made an absolutely heartbreaking last-ditch effort this week to get into a new band. “I listened to the most popular Twenty One Pilots tracks on Spotify to get a good feel for the band, and then I checked out a few of their records—they’ve got some pretty great tunes,” said Johnstone, who pitifully forced himself to listen to the band’s 2013 album, Vessel, on repeat in an effort to familiarize himself with the group before making a completely excruciating attempt at discussing the electropop duo with several of his coworkers who are all more than a decade younger. “I haven’t checked out their newest album, Blurryface, yet, but I hope it keeps up that sort of frenetic rock vibe from the previous records. I read in this article on Fader that they’re originally from Columbus, Ohio. Man, there are just a lot of good new bands coming out of there these days.” At press time, sources confirmed that Johnstone was pathetically showing enthusiasm for the song “Ride” with the saddest little attempt at air drumming.

[CellarDweller115]

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground. That will send a message that they can’t hide from us anywhere,” wrote Massey, who, in a paragraph-long comment below a news article about the crisis in Syria that her niece had shared, offhandedly proposed several ideas that stood in stark violation of the Geneva Conventions and international law, including imprisoning all Middle Eastern refugees indefinitely until they could prove they weren’t terrorists.

http://www.theonion.com/article/aunt-facebook-casually-advocates-war-crime-53745

[CellarDweller115]

Dinner Party Conducting Full-Scale Investigation To Determine If Tip Was Included





SAN DIEGO—Carefully examining the bill for any fragment of conclusive evidence, a local dinner party at Mitch’s Seafood restaurant conducted a full-scale investigation Tuesday night to determine if the tip was included in the check. “It feels like it’s already part of the total, right?” said principal investigator Victor Rodriguez, attempting to decipher the cryptic item codes at the bottom of the receipt before passing the document around to several of his fellow detectives for further review, one of whom ran a rough quantitative analysis by adding up the cost of all the items in his head and comparing that to the amount they were charged. “Did anyone see anything about the gratuity policy on the menu?

[CellarDweller115]

Accidentally Closing Browser Window With 23 Tabs Open Presents Rare Chance At New Life



Staring in trembling awe at her suddenly blank desktop, local woman Chelsea Greene was reportedly presented a rare chance at a new life Tuesday after accidentally closing her browser window with 23 open tabs. “Oh, my God. I’m free,” said a stunned and wide-eyed Greene, fully realizing that the abrupt disappearance of the Firefox window displaying tabs from Facebook, Reddit, CNN, OkCupid, Gmail, and 18 other websites would allow her to venture in a completely fresh direction and never look back. “Everything is going to be different from this point on. I can be anyone I want to be—I have a blank slate. Life truly begins right now.” According to sources, Greene moments later clicked “Restore Previous Session” in a brand-new browser window.

[CellarDweller115]

Nation’s Back Alleys Working To Expand Available Services In Anticipation Of Trumpcare Bill Becoming Law




WASHINGTON—Preparing for a surge in business from the millions of Americans who could soon be left without access to medical care, the nation’s back alleys were reportedly rushing to expand their services Thursday in anticipation of the American Health Care Act becoming law.

Sources from back alleys in every state confirmed that as soon as the U.S. House of Representatives passed the bill known as Trumpcare, their filth-strewn, sidestreet-based facilities began scrambling to add personnel and expand into nearby shuttered warehouses and vacant lots in order to meet the increased demand for services expected from low-income families, elderly Americans, individuals with pre-existing conditions, and others who will have decreased access to health coverage.

“We’re gonna have thousands of people coming through here soon, and right now we’re just not ready for them,” said Durham, NC man Curtis Hendershaw, who spoke from a narrow alleyway behind the Dragon Inn Chinese restaurant, adding that he had already begun making calls to all the unlicensed physicians and disgraced former medical professionals he knows. “We’re used to stitching a guy up here and there, but as soon as insurers can drop essential benefits and impose annual payment caps, we’ll be doing all sorts of major surgeries, pediatric services, mental health treatment, you name it.”

“I just put some cardboard down under that fire escape there so we can have a dry place for a neonatal unit,” he continued.

http://www.theonion.com/article/nations-back-alleys-working-expand-available-servi-55928

[CellarDweller115]

New Affordable Daycare Sort Of Keeps An Eye On Your Kids




NEW ROCHELLE, NY—In an effort to provide vital assistance to lower-income families with working parents, a new, inexpensive daycare center will kind of keep an eye on your kids, sources confirmed Friday. “Parents can rest assured that children at Dandelion Daycare Center will be under at least a degree of adult supervision for much of the day,” said owner Miriam Greene, adding that the affordable nursery school was staffed by fairly qualified workers who will make a good faith effort to linger in the vicinity of the classroom. “We provide lunch most days, typically between noon and four, but your child should be able to clearly state any food allergies they might have, because there’s no way we can keep track of all that. We’ve also got some fun toys for playtime, though we can’t guarantee a staff member will be present in the event your child chokes on a playing piece or that our employee will know what to do even if they happen to be there.

[fritzkep]

This only sounds like The Onion.

https://www.aol.com/article/news/2017/05/08/man-91-died-happy-after-family-told-him-trump-was-being-impeac/22076528/

[CellarDweller115]

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots




NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots. “Despite being a long accepted practice among team owners, the MLB executive board has determined that it is unethical and dangerous to perform the invasive act of removing a mascot’s genitals,” said Manfred, responding to public outcry over what many consider to be a cruel surgery, which teams claim makes mascots docile, easy to train, and prevents them from attacking fans. “Mascots are subjected to this gelding as early as their first season with a team, and sadly the procedure is often done without the use of anesthetics. While we need to ensure that mascots can live in close proximity to humans, we believe alternatives like hormone treatments can achieve the same result without resorting to the brutal mutilation of a mascot’s sexual organs.”

[CellarDweller115]

Kushner: ‘I Did Not Collude, But I Pretty Much Have To Say That, Right?’




Telling the Senate Intelligence Committee that he had no choice because saying anything else would be incredibly stupid, Senior Advisor to the President Jared Kushner testified Monday that he did not collude with Russia during the campaign, but pretty much had to say that. “I did not in any way conspire or collaborate with any foreign government, but even if I did, I wouldn’t tell you because I would likely go to jail,” said Kushner, adding that if he had to choose between lying to a panel of legislators—plenty of whom were happy to take his excuses at face value—or openly admitting to being a criminal, he’d lie every single time. “At this point, with no real pressure to admit I committed a felony or participated in any illegal activity whatsoever, I suppose I’ll just keep saying I did nothing wrong. Honestly, the only smart move here is to stand up and say the one thing that doesn’t destroy my life, so I’ll be sticking with that for the time being.”


http://www.theonion.com/article/kushner-i-did-not-collude-i-pretty-much-have-say-r-56465

[CellarDweller115]

Priebus Grateful He Had So Little Dignity To Begin With





Taking stock of his present circumstances as he packed up his belongings and exited the West Wing after being pushed out of office by the president of the United States, former White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus expressed a sense of gratitude Friday that he had so little dignity to begin with. “I’m just lucky that I came into this role with effectively no personal honor whatsoever, or this could have really stung,” said Priebus, who explained that, having spent years overseeing the Republican Party and suffering regular mockery and derision at the hands of his colleagues and regular citizens alike, his unceremonious ouster from one of the highest political positions in the United States could, at this point, largely just roll off his back.


http://www.theonion.com/article/priebus-grateful-he-had-so-little-dignity-begin-56515

[CellarDweller115]

"Nothing Would Surprise Me At This Point," Says Man Who Will Be Shocked By 8 Separate News Items Today




Just over a week into the administration of President Donald Trump, local man Alex Seidman, a 36-year-old who will be shocked eight separate times by today’s news, told reporters Monday that at this point, nothing would surprise him. “Honestly, after everything that’s gone down in the past 10 days, none of it really even fazes me,” said the man who will be stunned on eight different occasions by news updates that will leave him wondering if the country’s longstanding democratic institutions can withstand even half of Trump’s first term in office. “Maybe a few months ago it would’ve upset me, even frightened me. But today, I’ll click on The New York Times and it’ll feel pretty [startling, with each piece of news more surreal and flabbergasting than the last, every article seemingly rewriting the rules of reality and slowly convincing me that there may no longer be any such thing as] normal.”


http://www.theonion.com/article/nothing-would-surprise-me-point-says-man-who-will--55179

[CellarDweller115]

Target ‘Dorm Room Essentials’ Aisle Being Browsed Exclusively By 30-Year-Old Men With Studio Apartments





Searching for affordable items to furnish their modest single-room dwellings, the ‘Dorm Room Essentials’ aisle at a local Target was reportedly being browsed Monday exclusively by 30-year-old men with studio apartments. According to sources, the customers perusing the shelves for stackable storage containers and flimsy particle board coffee tables consisted solely of thirtysomethings living in efficiencies. Reports subsequently confirmed that every one of the individuals placing twin-size bedsheets, compact microwaves, and single matching navy blue towels and washcloths in their carts had graduated from college more than a decade ago. All of the men had, at press time, decided to swing by the food aisle on the way out to stock up on Cup Noodles, including a few who were, in fact, actually closer to 40.

http://www.theonion.com/article/target-dorm-room-essentials-aisle-being-browsed-ex-56643