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Author Topic: The Latest News From The Onion  (Read 18833 times)

Offline Marge_Innavera

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The Latest News From The Onion: Does Obama Hate His Dog?
« Reply #15 on: February 23, 2011, 08:39:39 AM »
Breaking news on the Onion News NetworK ("Report first -- ask questions later"): Does Obama Hate His Dog?

partial transcript of video:

from anchor Brooke Alvarez:  President Obama cannot seem to shake the mounting rumors that he does not love his dog, Bo.  They started three weeks ago on right-wing message boards, speculating as to why President Obama was so rarely photographed with the Portuguese water dog given to the First Family in 2009.  The issue has become a favorite talking point on conservative radio programs, like the Wendell Max Show.

Wendell Mack:  I've never seen him feed Bo, I've never seen him take Bo to the vet.  My friends, if this man hates his own dog so much, if he refuses to play "fetch" with him in public, think how much he must hate the American people!

Alvarez: For some deep insight on this controversy in record time, let's take this over to First Responders, the fastest opinion generators on television.

[graphic and music, "First Responders"]

Alvarez: Okay, first responders, tell us what Obama should be doing differently here.

...
Bo on White House lawn
Not seen in public with Obama in over a year


for the rest of the video, go to http://www.theonion.com/video/obama-denies-accusations-he-does-not-love-his-dog,19252/  
« Last Edit: February 25, 2011, 07:48:25 AM by Marge_Innavera »
" 'Red' states are the meth labs of democracy."

Offline Marge_Innavera

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The Latest News From The Onion: Walker Can't Control His Underlings
« Reply #16 on: February 25, 2011, 08:16:12 AM »
Governor Walker Should Be Flogged For His Inability To Control His Underlings
...
By T. Herman Zweibel, Publisher Emeritus


...
T. Herman Zweibel (photo c. 1911)

By any civilized measure, this should be a golden age for America. My editors inform me that the gap between rich and poor is the greatest in history, which is a comfort, as I wish the coal-smudged wretches as far from me as possible. So, too, are we in a vast recession, meaning I am allowed to appear fiscally pious and unusually virtuous as I refuse to share even a parcel of my staggering wealth with the less enriched. Best of all, the lack of spare spending-pennies among the general population has put every-one in such a foul demeanor that the good people of Georgia may soon pass a law decreeing that any woman over 13 who is not pregnant must be put to death, and about time, I say. Truly, it is a good time to sell news-papers, as people do lap up the repeated failures of their society like a dog its vomit.

But for one noxious exception: This governor of Wisconsin and his glaring impotence in constraining the state's wretched hirelings.

You may imagine my rage when I was informed that the Governor was facing down seventy thousands of angry state workers after informing them that they had lost their right to bargain for Union contracts! He allowed them to rise up like so many aspirational prairie-dogs, without fear of lashing, the gibbet, nor public humiliation! Wisconsin, as we all know, is a hinterland of ruddy-faced, venison-gnashing peasants, so naturally the in-ability of this man to rule there infuriated me so greatly that my iron dentures clashed together with a force sufficient to spot-weld them closed. We have come to a pretty pass in this country when common citizens feel they have the right to assemble in public and shout any God-damned thing they want!

Rest of the story at http://www.theonion.com/articles/governor-walker-should-be-flogged-for-his-inabilit,19309/ 
" 'Red' states are the meth labs of democracy."

Offline BayCityJohn

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Re: The Latest News From The Onion
« Reply #17 on: February 25, 2011, 03:29:46 PM »
Marauding Gay Hordes Drag Thousands Of Helpless Citizens From Marriages After Obama Drops Defense Of Marriage Act

WASHINGTON—Reports continue to pour in from around the nation today of helpless Americans being forcibly taken from their marital unions after President Obama dropped the Defense of Marriage Act earlier this week, leaving the institution completely vulnerable to roving bands of homosexuals

http://www.theonion.com/articles/marauding-gay-hordes-drag-thousands-of-helpless-ci,19325/
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Offline CellarDweller115

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Re: The Latest News From The Onion
« Reply #18 on: February 25, 2011, 04:40:21 PM »
^^^^^^

:D :D :D :D

Offline fofol

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Re: The Latest News From The Onion
« Reply #19 on: February 28, 2011, 12:40:14 PM »
Marauding Gay Hordes Drag Thousands Of Helpless Citizens From Marriages After Obama Drops Defense Of Marriage Act

WASHINGTON—Reports continue to pour in from around the nation today of helpless Americans being forcibly taken from their marital unions after President Obama dropped the Defense of Marriage Act earlier this week, leaving the institution completely vulnerable to roving bands of homosexuals

http://www.theonion.com/articles/marauding-gay-hordes-drag-thousands-of-helpless-ci,19325/


   laughed all the way up until I suffered the urologic 'accident'
« Last Edit: February 28, 2011, 12:47:27 PM by fofol »
he felt he could paw the white out of the moon

Offline Marge_Innavera

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Video: Incomprehensible Shouting Now Official US Language
« Reply #20 on: March 04, 2011, 08:05:13 PM »

from Brooke Alvarez at the Onion News Network:

"Congress has passed a bill naming incomprehensible shouting as the official language of the United States."


 



Click on image to view video

" 'Red' states are the meth labs of democracy."

Offline Marge_Innavera

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From The Onion: Microsoft's New "Advanced Word" Alert
« Reply #21 on: March 20, 2011, 03:27:09 PM »
Microsoft Word Now Includes Squiggly Blue Line To Alert Writer When Word Is Too Advanced For Mainstream Audience







http://www.theonion.com/articles/microsoft-word-now-includes-squiggly-blue-line-to,19739/
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Offline Marge_Innavera

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From The Onion: Rep. King's "Muslim Hearings"
« Reply #22 on: March 20, 2011, 03:28:01 PM »
Last week, Rep. Peter King (R-NY) held a controversial hearing entitled "The Extent of Radicalization in the American Muslim Community and that Community's Response." Here's some of the information that came out of testimonies given there:

    * Almost 97 percent of Muslims are so un-American they can't eloquently summarize Federalist Paper No. 51 and James Madison's argument for checks and balances

    * That delicious spice in their food? That's sumac; man, it's so good

    * When Muslims scratch their bearded chins and look up, they're most likely thinking of new ways to blow up something

    * There is a massive international Muslim conspiracy to subvert all democracies everywhere, a fact its members were obligated to disclose because they were under oath

    * Unfortunately, not one witness knows Cat Stevens personally

    * Muslims always back their cars into parking spaces, even though it doesn't really save any time in the long run

    * They're pretty much the only thing keeping Dearborn, MI's economy afloat

    * Muslims can vote, and they probably won't be casting ballots for the party that hauled them before Congress because of their religion




http://www.theonion.com/articles/representative-kings-muslim-hearings,19730/?utm_medium=promobar&utm_campaign=recirculation
" 'Red' states are the meth labs of democracy."

Offline CellarDweller115

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Offline Marge_Innavera

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breaking Onion News: same-sex marriage destroys Davenport
« Reply #24 on: March 30, 2011, 07:53:30 AM »
Town Of Davenport, Iowa Descends Into Hell Following Gay Marriage Ceremony
March 12, 2011


FORMER DAVENPORT, IA—Immediately following the performance of a same-sex marriage ceremony Sunday afternoon at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church on Lincoln Avenue, the city of Davenport, IA and all 99,685 of its residents were reportedly smitten into oblivion by the merciless wrath of God and flung into the deepest bowels of eternal hell.

According to state authorities, the nightmarish incident occurred approximately five seconds after a local pastor pronounced homosexual men Brian Palmer, 39, and Greg DeHaan, 43, married in the eyes of God .  .  .  . Davenport's inhabitants were swallowed by a widening chasm, where they found themselves eviscerated on the fiery spears of 10 million shrieking demons.  "They tried to warn us and we didn't listen—Lord, why did we not listen?" said Rev. Kenneth Hanson, the clergyman who performed the unholy marriage, moments before being dragged into a bottomless pit, flayed alive, and devoured by Satan, the Great Deceiver. "All I wanted to do was provide basic civil rights and legal recognition to Brian and Greg, two people who love each other and have been together for 15 years. But I was wrong. Oh, so wrong!"

"Children of God throughout the nation!" Hanson cried out as he plummeted into the infernal void. "Do not make the same mistake we here in Iowa have made! Save yourselves before it is too late!"

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *
         

Following the immolation of Davenport, LGBT communities across the country immediately issued statements acknowledging their culpability for the catastrophe, admitting that homosexuality was a sinful lifestyle deserving of wrathful punishment. In surveys, 100 percent of homosexuals polled said that, given the clear evidence of God's Will shown by the tragic events, the best course of action would be to abandon the notion of gay rights altogether and beg the Lord's forgiveness.

"I thought antigay activism was cruel and bigoted before, but now I can see that, yes, my sexual orientation is truly an abomination in the Eyes of God," said lesbian activist and organizer Professor Julia Cafritz of Houston, responding to early reports of God's actions in the Midwest. "My very existence is an affront to all that is good and true in this country. I'm sorry, America. I'm so, so terribly sorry."

At press time, officials said the overall strength of the traditional American family had increased by 47 percent following the eternal damnation of Davenport, while pure, hardworking Christians everywhere would continue to be assured a place in heaven.


full story, including picture, at http://www.theonion.com/articles/town-of-davenport-iowa-descends-into-hell-followin,19446/
" 'Red' states are the meth labs of democracy."

Offline CellarDweller115

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Re: The Latest News From The Onion
« Reply #25 on: March 30, 2011, 08:11:49 AM »
:D :D :D

I originally wanted to say something like "Here I thought Davenport, Iowa was already Hell.", but deicded against it as I haven't been there.

Online fritzkep

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Re: The Latest News From The Onion
« Reply #26 on: March 30, 2011, 04:09:26 PM »
There are worse places.  ;)

Werd ich zum Augenblicke sagen, "Verweile doch! Du bist so schön..."

Offline Marge_Innavera

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From the Onion: NPR Cuts Save The Economy
« Reply #27 on: April 17, 2011, 03:24:32 AM »
GOP Completely Fixes Economy By Canceling Funding For NPR

WASHINGTON—Unemployment plummeted and stocks soared Tuesday after Republican leaders fulfilled their promise to cut funding for National Public Radio, a budgetary move that has completely rejuvenated the flagging U.S. economy. "Since eliminating federal spending for NPR, America's economic outlook is brighter than it's been in decades, with manufacturing on the rise and millions of jobs once sent overseas now returning to our shores," said Sen. Mark Kirk (R-IL), adding that by eliminating funds for NPR, the deficit has been slashed by 0.000004 percent and a newly thriving middle class once again has cause to believe in the American dream.

"Pulling funding for Car Talk and Planet Money alone has created 4.2 million jobs and generated a $2 trillion budget surplus." Republicans announced Thursday they will now turn their attention to cutting the National Park Service, a move that should ensure Social Security's solvency for the next 350 years.
" 'Red' states are the meth labs of democracy."

Offline Marge_Innavera

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The Afterbirthers: Where's the Placenta?
« Reply #28 on: April 28, 2011, 06:49:37 AM »
Afterbirthers Demand To See Obama's Placenta

WASHINGTON–In the continuing controversy surrounding the president's U.S. citizenship, a new fringe group informally known as "Afterbirthers" demanded Monday the authentication of Barack Obama's placenta from his time inside his mother's womb. "All we are asking is that the president produce a sample of his fetal membranes and vessels—preferably along with a photo of the crowning and delivery—and this will all be over," said former presidential candidate and Afterbirthers spokesman Alan Keyes, later adding that his organization would be willing to settle for a half-liter of maternal cord plasma. "To this day, the American people have not seen a cervical mucus plug, let alone one that has been signed and notarized by a state-certified Hawaiian health official. If the president was indeed born in the manner in which he claims, then where is his gestation sac?" Keyes said that if Obama did not soon produce at least a bloody bedsheet from his conception, Afterbirthers would push forward with efforts to exhume the president's deceased mother and inspect the corpse's pelvic bone and birth canal.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/afterbirthers-demand-to-see-obamas-placenta,6866/

(Special thanks to Bay City John for the tip)
" 'Red' states are the meth labs of democracy."

Offline AZ.bbm

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"'Democracy' is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch... 'Liberty' is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote.'' -Benjamin Franklin