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Author Topic: The Latest News From The Onion  (Read 19276 times)

Offline Marge_Innavera

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Re: From The Onion: Reactions to 9-9-9
« Reply #45 on: November 06, 2011, 02:10:06 PM »
Actually, he was speaking German.



Nein, nein, nein.....

Actually, that comment and the one about a plan written on the back of an envelope were close to one I actually heard on the radio the other day.  The speaker said he was very impressed with the 9-9-9 idea -- because it was simple and easy to understand.  Dick and Jane for the apocalypse. 
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Offline Marge_Innavera

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Onion Reports: Holocaust Museum Attendance Disputed
« Reply #46 on: November 08, 2011, 09:27:08 AM »
Did Six Million Really Visit The Holocaust Museum?

Did six million people really visit the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum since it opened in April 1993? That's what the United States Holocaust Memorial Council would have you believe, and if all you've been exposed to is its Zionist propaganda, you probably do. But just how many people have actually passed through the Holocaust Museum's doors?

Despite the wealth of evidence proving that the museum's visitor numbers are wildly exaggerated, it is truth seekers like myself who are labeled dangerous to society. Swayed by the Jewish agenda and its powerful lobby in Washington, millions of people have been duped into blindly accepting the museum's one-sided view of its attendance history. And those who attempt to set the record straight are promptly dismissed as "kooks," "liars," and, of course, "anti-Semites."

What are you afraid of, United States Holocaust Memorial Council? That the world will find out that the number of people interested in your museum has been greatly distorted?

Let's take a look at this supposedly well-visited museum. Just where do these attendance figures come from? You might be surprised by the answer: Speaking anonymously for fear of retribution, numerous Holocaust Museum workers have admitted that the six-million figure is "only an estimate." Furthermore, this misrepresentation includes not only visitors to the museum's Permanent Exhibition, which requires a pass, but also visitors to the rotating exhibits at the front of the building! Shocked? Anyone with a basic understanding of the way the Zionist propaganda machine works shouldn't be.

So, the supposed six million is not derived from the number of free tickets which have been distributed, but is instead a CAREFULLY AND DELIBERATELY MANIPULATED FIGURE which includes visitors to the museum who were unable to obtain a pass and only visited the all-access Wexler Learning Center. In other words, it includes visitors who could not in any way, shape, or form be counted! Even Sharon E. Underwood, one of the museum's own tour guides, admits that the question of how many people actually visited the museum remains "OPEN TO DEBATE." Yet the American Jewry continues to present six million as reality.

(Other discoveries:  flash photography prohibited in the museum, figures on the 1993 opening day's attendance reported by a journalist named "Levine".)

full story at http://www.theonion.com/articles/did-six-million-really-visit-the-holocaust-museum,10814/

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Offline trekfan

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Re: Onion Reports: Holocaust Museum Attendance Disputed
« Reply #47 on: November 08, 2011, 10:01:32 AM »
Did Six Million Really Visit The Holocaust Museum?

Did six million people really visit the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum since it opened in April 1993? That's what the United States Holocaust Memorial Council would have you believe, and if all you've been exposed to is its Zionist propaganda, you probably do. But just how many people have actually passed through the Holocaust Museum's doors?

Despite the wealth of evidence proving that the museum's visitor numbers are wildly exaggerated, it is truth seekers like myself who are labeled dangerous to society. Swayed by the Jewish agenda and its powerful lobby in Washington, millions of people have been duped into blindly accepting the museum's one-sided view of its attendance history. And those who attempt to set the record straight are promptly dismissed as "kooks," "liars," and, of course, "anti-Semites."

What are you afraid of, United States Holocaust Memorial Council? That the world will find out that the number of people interested in your museum has been greatly distorted?

Let's take a look at this supposedly well-visited museum. Just where do these attendance figures come from? You might be surprised by the answer: Speaking anonymously for fear of retribution, numerous Holocaust Museum workers have admitted that the six-million figure is "only an estimate." Furthermore, this misrepresentation includes not only visitors to the museum's Permanent Exhibition, which requires a pass, but also visitors to the rotating exhibits at the front of the building! Shocked? Anyone with a basic understanding of the way the Zionist propaganda machine works shouldn't be.

So, the supposed six million is not derived from the number of free tickets which have been distributed, but is instead a CAREFULLY AND DELIBERATELY MANIPULATED FIGURE which includes visitors to the museum who were unable to obtain a pass and only visited the all-access Wexler Learning Center. In other words, it includes visitors who could not in any way, shape, or form be counted! Even Sharon E. Underwood, one of the museum's own tour guides, admits that the question of how many people actually visited the museum remains "OPEN TO DEBATE." Yet the American Jewry continues to present six million as reality.

(Other discoveries:  flash photography prohibited in the museum, figures on the 1993 opening day's attendance reported by a journalist named "Levine".)

full story at http://www.theonion.com/articles/did-six-million-really-visit-the-holocaust-museum,10814/



eh what's in a number.   I mean isn't there room for give and take?  ;D
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Offline fritzkep

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Re: The Latest News From The Onion
« Reply #48 on: November 08, 2011, 03:51:55 PM »
 :D  :D  :D

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Offline Marge_Innavera

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Ancient Race of Job Creators Found
« Reply #49 on: November 09, 2011, 06:46:40 AM »
Remains Of Ancient Race Of Job Creators Found In Rust Belt



...
Archaeologists say evidence of the long-dead race can still be readily found.

WASHINGTON—A team of leading archaeologists announced Monday they had uncovered the remains of an ancient job-creating race that, at the peak of its civilization, may have provided occupations for hundreds of thousands of humans in the American Northeast and Midwest.  According to researchers, these long- forgotten people once flourished between western New York state and Illinois, erecting highly distinctive steel and brick structures wherever they went, including many buildings thought to have held hundreds of paid workers at a time.

"It's truly fascinating—after spending a certain number of hours performing assigned tasks, the so-called 'employees' at such facilities would receive monetary compensation that allowed them to support themselves and their families," said archaeologist Alan H. Mueller, citing old ledgers and time-keeping devices unearthed at excavation sites in the region. "In fact, this practice seems to have been the norm for their culture, which consisted of advanced tool users capable of exploiting their skills to produce highly valued goods and services."

"It's a complex and intriguing set of rituals we're still trying to fully understand," Mueller added. "But it appears as if their entire society was centered around creating, out of thin air, actual jobs that paid an actual living wage."

With his team having so far cataloged the decaying ruins of more than 400 edifices believed to have been used solely for human employment, Mueller said he now believes the inhabitants of mid-20th-century North America may have built their territory—in particular, the Great Lakes region and northern Appalachia—into one of the most advanced and prosperous civilizations in the world.

Numerous scholars told reporters the findings have challenged everything they thought they knew about the fundamental organization of human societies, calling it "staggering" and "almost unbelievable" that a culture predating our own had been able to provide work to nearly every person who sought it.


full story about the ancient civilization at http://www.theonion.com/articles/remains-of-ancient-race-of-job-creators-found-in-r,26490/
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Offline Sason

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Re: Onion Reports: Holocaust Museum Attendance Disputed
« Reply #50 on: November 09, 2011, 12:11:21 PM »
Did Six Million Really Visit The Holocaust Museum?

Did six million people really visit the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum since it opened in April 1993? That's what the United States Holocaust Memorial Council would have you believe, and if all you've been exposed to is its Zionist propaganda, you probably do. But just how many people have actually passed through the Holocaust Museum's doors?

Despite the wealth of evidence proving that the museum's visitor numbers are wildly exaggerated, it is truth seekers like myself who are labeled dangerous to society. Swayed by the Jewish agenda and its powerful lobby in Washington, millions of people have been duped into blindly accepting the museum's one-sided view of its attendance history. And those who attempt to set the record straight are promptly dismissed as "kooks," "liars," and, of course, "anti-Semites."

What are you afraid of, United States Holocaust Memorial Council? That the world will find out that the number of people interested in your museum has been greatly distorted?

Let's take a look at this supposedly well-visited museum. Just where do these attendance figures come from? You might be surprised by the answer: Speaking anonymously for fear of retribution, numerous Holocaust Museum workers have admitted that the six-million figure is "only an estimate." Furthermore, this misrepresentation includes not only visitors to the museum's Permanent Exhibition, which requires a pass, but also visitors to the rotating exhibits at the front of the building! Shocked? Anyone with a basic understanding of the way the Zionist propaganda machine works shouldn't be.

So, the supposed six million is not derived from the number of free tickets which have been distributed, but is instead a CAREFULLY AND DELIBERATELY MANIPULATED FIGURE which includes visitors to the museum who were unable to obtain a pass and only visited the all-access Wexler Learning Center. In other words, it includes visitors who could not in any way, shape, or form be counted! Even Sharon E. Underwood, one of the museum's own tour guides, admits that the question of how many people actually visited the museum remains "OPEN TO DEBATE." Yet the American Jewry continues to present six million as reality.

(Other discoveries:  flash photography prohibited in the museum, figures on the 1993 opening day's attendance reported by a journalist named "Levine".)

full story at http://www.theonion.com/articles/did-six-million-really-visit-the-holocaust-museum,10814/



I really don't know how to interpret this.

It makes me feel very uneasy.

Is it in favour of the history revisionists who deny the Holocaust?

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Offline fritzkep

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Re: The Latest News From The Onion
« Reply #51 on: November 09, 2011, 03:44:16 PM »
It's a spoof of the revisionists, using the Holocaust Museum as the object of their revision.

Wouldn't put it past the revisionists to question anyone's figures but their own questionable ones.

The Onion is a well-known satirical newspaper here.

(A takeoff on The Union, which some people seeing only the spelling pronounced the word the same as the vegetable)

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Offline Sason

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Re: The Latest News From The Onion
« Reply #52 on: November 09, 2011, 10:42:30 PM »
Oh, ok. Thanks for clarifying Fritz!

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Offline Marge_Innavera

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Re: The Latest News From The Onion
« Reply #53 on: November 11, 2011, 06:46:47 AM »
An understandable impression...  sometimes it's hard to tell the Onion apart from the real news.   ;)
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Offline Marge_Innavera

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From The Onion: FAA bans plane crashes
« Reply #54 on: November 11, 2011, 08:18:38 AM »
FAA To Ban Plane Crashes
October 30, 2011 | ISSUE 47•43

WASHINGTON—In what officials are calling "a much-needed policy shift," the Federal Aviation Administration announced this weekend that it would ban all plane crashes.

"After a careful review of flight data from the past 25 years, we've determined that customers, pilots, and the airlines themselves would benefit significantly from a strictly enforced no-plane-crash policy," said FAA administrator Randy Babbitt, adding that pilots involved in fiery plane wrecks could face a steep fine or even suspension. "The practice of crashing an airliner into an ocean or mountain will no longer be tolerated. American consumers deserve better."

According to industry sources, most commercial airlines are planning to fit in as many crashes as possible between now and Jan. 1, when the ban officially goes into effect


http://www.theonion.com/articles/faa-to-ban-plane-crashes,26485/
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Offline Marge_Innavera

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From The Onion: On Joe Paterno's Legacy
« Reply #55 on: November 11, 2011, 06:09:36 PM »
Sports Media Asks Molestation Victims What This Means For Joe Paterno's Legacy

STATE COLLEGE, PA—After former Penn State defensive coach Jerry Sandusky was charged Saturday with multiple counts of involuntary deviate sexual intercourse, corruption of minors, indecent assault, and unlawful contact with minors, the national sports media sought out his victims this week to ask if they were worried about Joe Paterno's legacy and how their molestations might affect the recently fired head coach's place in the history books.

Describing the downfall of Paterno as "clearly the most devastating thing to come out of the sex scandal," outlets from ESPN to USA Today asked Sandusky's victims if, while being forced to engage in oral and anal sex with a man 40 to 50 years their senior, their primary fear was for Paterno's reputation—and, specifically, for how revelations of their suffering might diminish his two national championships, three Big Ten titles, and 24 bowl victories.

"This is obviously a sensitive subject for you, and I understand how difficult and uncomfortable it must be to talk about the abrupt end of JoePa's career, but as a journalist, it's my responsibility to weed past the 40 counts of sexual misconduct over a 15-year period and the gross negligence on the part of school authorities and ask about what is really important here: Joe Paterno's football accomplishments," Steve Wieberg of USA Today said to one anonymous victim, who was 10 years old when Sandusky assaulted him and who now suffers from irreparable emotional and psychological damage. "He is the winningest Division I football coach of all time and a man whose very name is synonymous with excellence. As a Penn State fan yourself, this must be very tough for you."

"When you told your family how Coach Sandusky forced you to engage in illicit 'soap battles' with him in the shower, what were their thoughts on Joe Paterno?" he continued as the abuse victim stared silently back at him. "Was their immediate response worry and concern for how this might tarnish his six Fiesta Bowl wins?"


full story at http://www.onionsportsnetwork.com/articles/sports-media-asks-molestation-victims-what-this-me,26609/
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Offline Marge_Innavera

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from the Onion: Jew left out of global conspiracy
« Reply #56 on: November 15, 2011, 09:07:23 AM »
Local Jew Feels Left Out Of Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy

SOUTHFIELD, MI—It is an hour past sunset on a brisk Thursday night, and, like their brethren around the globe, the Jews of this affluent Detroit suburb are gathered in synagogues, busily hatching plots for world domination through financial chicanery and media influence. But for Seth Nussbaum, it will be just another lonely evening.

"For some reason, they've decided to leave me out of the worldwide Jewish conspiracy," said Nussbaum, a 34-year-old computer programmer. "And I can't say it doesn't hurt."

While his fellow Jews are controlling the flow of billions of dollars of international currency and brokering multi million-dollar entertainment deals, on this quiet night Nussbaum is making himself a frozen pizza and watching ER, far removed from any money beyond the $28,000 annual salary he receives from his job at Cyntech Industries.

"Who's to say I wouldn't enjoy hoarding a little gold every now and then?" he said, his voice tinged with bitterness. "Believe me, I'd love to be able to sneak around behind the scenes like the Elders of Zion, pulling the strings and holding the real power in society. But I guess when it comes to working the Jerusalem-New York-L.A. triangle, I just wasn't one of the chosen people."

"Unlike millions of other Jews around the world, Nussbaum holds no sway over the media, has no powerful friends within the Wall Street banking community or the Trilateral Commission, and has never run a major Hollywood studio.


~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~

"Spurned by his own kind, Nussbaum has not even been able to gain admittance into a secondary world-domination conspiracy like the Masons."

whole story at http://www.theonion.com/articles/local-jew-feels-left-out-of-worldwide-jewish-consp,809/
" 'Red' states are the meth labs of democracy."

Offline Marge_Innavera

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The Latest News From The Onion
« Reply #57 on: November 16, 2011, 07:08:18 AM »
Nation To Bring In Revenue By Offering Official United States Of America Franchise Opportunities

WASHINGTON—Amidst continued deadlock over how to rein in the federal deficit, government officials announced plans Tuesday to increase revenue by offering franchise opportunities to entrepreneurs who wish to start their own United States of America.

Banking on the popularity of its original location, the country hopes to make millions by partnering with franchisees around the world, to whom it would license the trademarked United States brand name as well as the nation's flag, motto, preserved landmarks, college sports programs, movie studios, and bicameral legislature.

"Now, anyone interested in starting a new nation can open an official United States," said Sen. Patty Murray (D-WA), co-chair of the Joint Select Committee on Deficit Reduction. "America already has a brand everyone knows and responds to. Now the time has come for us to grow that asset and monetize it."

"Meanwhile, it's a great deal for our franchise partners, who not only get to fly the red, white, and blue, but also have access to our unrivaled network of foreign oil suppliers." Murray continued. "With an initial capital investment of just $20,000, interested parties can begin building their own U.S.A. immediately."

According to sources, as soon as their check clears with the U.S. Treasury, new franchisees will receive an America Operations Manual and a welcome kit that includes a framed copy of the Constitution, a 1/16th-scale replica of the Statue of Liberty, two cases of Budweiser beer, one's choice of a dream catcher or Native American hand drum, and an instructional pamphlet on how to print the nation's popular currency.

U.S. headquarters in Washington will reportedly collect a standard franchise royalty of 4.5 percent on each new location's gross domestic product, as well as residual fees stemming from any performance of the national anthem, reproduction of the presidential seal, or usage of proprietary place names such as New York or Texas.

full story at http://www.theonion.com/articles/nation-to-bring-in-revenue-by-offering-official-un,26661/

« Last Edit: November 16, 2011, 07:23:31 AM by Marge_Innavera »
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Offline Marge_Innavera

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From The Onion: Anti-Semite Compliments Jews
« Reply #58 on: November 16, 2011, 09:53:38 PM »
Affable Anti-Semite Thinks Jews Are Doing Super Job With The Media


Doyle Redland reporting for the Onion Radio News (audio at link):

"Henry McCullers, a lifelong resident of Plano, Texas and affable anti-Semite, praised the Jewish people today for doing 'a bang-up job running the media and show business.' The 47-year-old sheet metal worker made his remarks over breakfast at Jesse's Diner:

McCULLERS:  Well, this has been such a great year for movies, the new crop of TV shows looks like one of the best in years.  Oh yeah, and the cable news channels are doing a terrific job too.

"McCullers said that despite the fact that there is no coverage of the Jewish stranglehold on world finance, it's sort of understandable considerig -- well, you know."

http://www.theonion.com/audio/affable-antisemite-thinks-jews-are-doing-super-job,26316/
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Offline Marge_Innavera

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Sugar Plum Fairy Fired For Cursing
« Reply #59 on: November 17, 2011, 05:50:32 AM »
Another story that didn't run in the Onion, but could have:


Fired Sugar Plum Fairy drawing support
Nov 15, 2011, 9:34 AM


The St. Louis Post-Dispatch reports that Mike Swart, the same man who started a Facebook page to save the Sugar Plum Fairy's job, is organizing a food drive on her behalf.

"They can bring a bag of sugar, a pack of cookies, some candy — things the Sugar Plum Fairy might endorse — or canned goods," said Swart, of St. Charles. "I think we should harness the passion and the excitement everybody has here and do something good with it."

Laura Coppinger, 29, of St. Louis, is an actress who has portrayed the Sugar Plum Fairy for the past six years on historic Main Street in St. Charles during the annual Christmas Traditions festival. She was recently fired for cursing — not on the job, but when she went to take a drug test required of all city employees.

Coppinger accidentally flushed the toilet during the drug test, which is prohibited. When told she would have to wait at the drug testing facility until she could provide another urine sample, she said she swore out of frustration because the delay meant she would miss a job interview.

A short time later, she was told to go home.

The city's human resources department said she violated the code of conduct for a Christmas Traditions character by uttering "naughty words."

Coppinger said she has gotten an outpouring of support since she made her story public on Saturday.

full story at http://www.digitalburg.com/artman2/publish/Something_Different_95/Fired_Sugar_Plum_Fairy_drawing_support.shtml
" 'Red' states are the meth labs of democracy."