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Author Topic: The Latest News From The Onion  (Read 19274 times)

Offline Marge_Innavera

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It's Onionesque -- Occupy Black Friday
« Reply #60 on: November 25, 2011, 07:41:55 AM »
In the style of the Onion, but this time it's at the Daily Kos:



Police Mobilizing Across the US as Consumers Illegally Camp for Black Friday Movement

Police agencies across the country are preparing to forcefully evict thousands of rogue shoppers who have established illegal tent encampments in box store parking lots from California to Maine.

The shoppers, some of whom began occupying with their tents as early as last week, are part of a loosely-organized movement of citizens frustrated by cost of living increases. These citizens claim that rising costs, caused by corporate greed, can only be mitigated by filling their shopping carts full of gaming consoles and cheaply-made electronics on Black Friday.

Dozens of mayors and municipal councils across the US have sent Black Friday occupiers letters demanding that they vacate the Walmart and Best Buy parking lots in which they've established fully-functioning tent cities. However, the occupiers argue that they are merely exercising their First Amendment rights to assemble for low prices.

The curiously-synchronized mobilization of riot police across the country – many armed with chemical weapons and LRAD devices – points to the fact that mayors and municipal governments seem to have lost patience with the shoppers as midnight approaches. Many fear imminent evictions that could turn violent.



..
Others in the Black Friday movement camping with [George] Andrews before a Best Buy. Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has characterized them as 'ruthless, incoherent shoppers who clearly hate America'.

Full story, and more pictures at http://www.dailykos.com/story/2011/11/24/1039726/-BREAKING:-Police-Mobilizing-Across-the-US-as-Consumers-Illegally-Camp-for-Black-Friday-Movement

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Offline Marge_Innavera

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From The Onion: Obama's latest gaffe
« Reply #61 on: December 09, 2011, 01:22:09 PM »
In Major Gaffe, Obama Forgets To Dumb It Down
..
December 6, 2011


CINCINNATI—In a serious miscalculation that may prove devastating to his bid for a second term, President Barack Obama neglected Tuesday to simplify a statement to the point where it could readily be grasped by anyone with the vocabulary of an 8-year-old. "Instead of saying, 'There are many global variables at work here, and unless they all fall into place, we could find ourselves back in a recession,' he should have just said, 'Times are hard. We gotta be strong,'" said Washington Post political correspondent Brian Meltzer, noting that Obama's statement during a speech on job creation was met with dumbfounded looks and audible gasps from the crowd.

"Americans are so used to meaningless homespun homilies, they don't know what to do when they're treated like thinking adults. The president has to understand that if he goes out there throwing around words like 'currency' and 'economy,' he'll end up being branded an elitist."

In an attempt to correct the error, Obama concluded his speech with the words "Jobs good. No jobs bad. God bless America."

http://www.theonion.com/articles/in-major-gaffe-obama-forgets-to-dumb-it-down,26820/ 
" 'Red' states are the meth labs of democracy."

Offline Marge_Innavera

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The Iowa Caucus: meet the real winner
« Reply #62 on: January 07, 2012, 12:28:45 PM »
600-Pound Butter Cow Sculpture Wins Iowa Caucus
January 3, 2012 | ISSUE 48•01

DES MOINES, IA—With a majority of precincts reporting, sources have confirmed a 600-pound recreation of a dairy cow sculpted entirely from freshly churned butter has won the 2012 Iowa Caucus. A staple at the Iowa State Fair and part of a tradition dating back to 1911, the 5-and-a-half-foot-tall, non-homogenized-milk-fat sculpture of a grazing bovine received 64 percent of the vote, easily defeating opponents Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, and Ron Paul.

"For one thing, I’m more familiar and comfortable with the butter cow," said Iowa voter Horace Wright, who cited the creamy sculpture’s even demeanor, its pro-agriculture agenda, and the fact that it’s not Mitt Romney as his primary reasons for voting for it. "And second, looking at the rest of the field, I think at this point the butter cow is the Republican Party’s best shot at beating Obama in November."

Exit polls revealed many caucus attendees considered Jon Huntsman, but ultimately concluded they didn’t want to waste their votes.

www.theonion.com/articles/600pound-butter-cow-sculpture-wins-iowa-caucus,26941/
" 'Red' states are the meth labs of democracy."

Offline CellarDweller115

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Re: The Latest News From The Onion
« Reply #63 on: January 07, 2012, 12:34:41 PM »
ROTFLMAO at a butter cow!

Offline fritzkep

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Re: The Latest News From The Onion
« Reply #64 on: January 07, 2012, 01:43:03 PM »
Fantastic!

Werd ich zum Augenblicke sagen, "Verweile doch! Du bist so schön..."

Offline Marge_Innavera

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Re: The Latest News From The Onion
« Reply #65 on: January 08, 2012, 09:08:29 PM »
If it were a choice among Romney, Frothy Santorum or any of the other GOP runners for that matter, I'd definitely vote for the cow.
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Offline CellarDweller115

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Re: The Latest News From The Onion
« Reply #66 on: January 09, 2012, 03:23:36 AM »
If it were a choice among Romney, Frothy Santorum or any of the other GOP runners for that matter, I'd definitely vote for the cow.

Every time I hear that nickname, I cringe.

Offline Marge_Innavera

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Obama: why would I want to run again?
« Reply #67 on: January 11, 2012, 05:48:03 AM »
Excerpt from speech:

" 'My fellow Americans, I come to you today to ask, why?' Obama said to 1,200 people gathered inside a gymnasium at Taylor Allderdice High School. 'Why can't our congressional leaders work together to create jobs? Why can't Wall Street ever be held accountable? And most important, why on God's green earth would I voluntarily subject myself to this nonsense for another four years?'

" I'm dead serious,' the president continued, saying that any reasonable person would have walked away the moment the Senate minority leader announced his main priority—above creating jobs and improving American health care—was to make Obama a one-term president. 'I'm asking if anybody out there can come up with even one reason why I'd want to endure this unmitigated shit show for another minute, let alone through 2016. What's in it for me, ex­actly? Can anyone answer that? Anyone at all?'

After a long silence during which crowd members mostly just shuffled their feet and stared at the ground, Obama said, 'Yeah, that's what I thought.' "


full text at http://www.theonion.com/articles/obama-openly-asks-nation-why-on-earth-he-would-wan,26933/
" 'Red' states are the meth labs of democracy."

Offline Marge_Innavera

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Re: The Latest News From The Onion
« Reply #68 on: January 13, 2012, 05:10:57 PM »
Scandalous Photos Reveal Grover Norquist Carried On Secret Affair With Taxes For Years


WASHINGTON—In a scandal that strikes at the very heart of the American anti-tax movement, a series of incriminating photos surfaced online Thursday, revealing that, for decades, leading Republican power broker Grover Norquist has secretly engaged in a romantic affair with taxes.

Leaked by an unknown source, the grainy but reportedly undoctored images chronicle a tawdry on-again, off-again liaison stretching back to 1983, when a young Norquist first worked closely with taxes as a speechwriter for the U.S. Chamber of Commerce.

"This proves that while Mr. Norquist was collecting lawmakers' pledges never to raise any taxes under any circumstances, he was at the same time engaged in an intimate relationship with the very revenue source he claimed to despise," said Senate Major­ity Leader Harry Reid, referring to the "Taxpayer Protection Pledge" signed by more than 95 percent of congressional Republicans. "Coming from the nation's most outspoken crusader for shrinking the public sector, this il­licit conduct is utterly shocking."

"All these years, the founder of Americans for Tax Reform has led a double life," Reid added. "An anti-tax zealot by day, and a tax-obsessed sex maniac by night. The pictures of him and excise taxes are disgusting."

photos and the rest of the story at http://www.theonion.com/articles/scandalous-photos-reveal-grover-norquist-carried-o,27020/
" 'Red' states are the meth labs of democracy."

Offline Marge_Innavera

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Women voters and the GOP
« Reply #69 on: April 11, 2012, 08:00:41 AM »
Women Voters Can't Help Fawning Over Sexist GOP

"While acknowledging they deserved better and were 'probably going to hate [themselves] for it,' many women said that when they go to the polls they simply cannot resist their deep-seated urge to vote for brazenly chauvinistic candidates who actually wish to deprive them of access to even the most commonplace forms of contraception.

"According to a recent Zogby poll, 83 percent of females voters say they 'just aren't ready to settle down' with a political party that has their best interests at heart, 68 percent find themselves drawn to cocksure Republican lawmakers who oppose extending the Violence Against Women Act, and 54 percent report feeling aroused 'just thinking about' an elderly hard-line evangelical explaining to them how the nation's moral fabric is threatened by the sexual activity of unmarried women.

" 'I keep saying I won't let myself be put at the mercy of a political party that caters to fundamentalist Christians who believe husbands should control their wives,' said Seattle attorney Connie York, explaining the difficulty of voting against a GOP presidential candidate who talks tough about shutting down Planned Parenthood cancer-screening and prenatal-care centers. 'Then I step into the voting booth, draw the curtain, and…and it's just so fucking hot, I can't say no.'

"Added York, There's something about pulling the lever for a man who would force you to die for the sake of saving a fetus that makes you feel like you're doing something a little bit naughty, you know?'

"While experts have repeatedly warned them about the need to break this self-destructive cycle, many women admitted that come November they will likely find themselves falling for yet another wild, insolent candidate who opposes something as basic and necessary as sex education in public schools. 'They're just setting themselves up for disappointment when they do this,' said sociologist Herbert Iglesias, whose research focuses on women who vote for men who would like to see them imprisoned for murder if they have an abortion after being raped. 'And no matter how often they're called derogatory names or discriminated against, some of them keep going back to the same political party.' "


read the rest of the story at http://www.theonion.com/articles/women-voters-cant-help-fawning-over-sexist-gop,27748/
" 'Red' states are the meth labs of democracy."

Offline Marge_Innavera

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Romney misses piano recital
« Reply #70 on: April 11, 2012, 08:02:20 AM »
Busy Romney Sorry He Missed Nation's Piano Recital
April 4, 2012 | ISSUE 48•14
 

WASHINGTON—Speaking at a press conference on behalf of presidential candidate Mitt Romney, campaign spokeswoman Andrea Saul told the American public how deeply sorry the GOP frontrunner was to have missed the nation's piano recital Saturday. "Mr. Romney knows how important it was to you, and he wanted to be there, he really did, but sometimes people running for office are very busy and have to spend the whole weekend at rallies in Wisconsin," said Saul, adding that the former Massachusetts governor understood how disappointing it must have been for the nation to look up and see that empty chair in the front row. "He's been briefed on how well you played, though, and he wanted me to tell you he's very proud of you and can't wait for the next recital. Not only will he be there, but he's promised to take everyone out for ice cream afterward." According to sources, Romney wanted to wake up the nation and apologize, but was told by his angry wife, Ann, that the country had just cried itself to sleep and didn't want to see the Republican candidate right now.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/busy-romney-sorry-he-missed-nations-piano-recital,27846/
" 'Red' states are the meth labs of democracy."

Offline Marge_Innavera

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God caught backing multiple candidates
« Reply #71 on: April 12, 2012, 06:54:49 AM »
Another piece not from the Onion, but might as well be:


God Caught Backing Multiple GOP Candidates for President

"After a thorough investigation, Daily Intel has discovered that God is separately backing at least three different contenders for the Republican presidential nomination. Over the course of the past few months and even years, God has sent signs and direct messages to each of these candidates encouraging them to run, presumably without telling them that he supports other candidates as well.


Herman Cain:  When Cain's granddaughter was born in 1999, Cain says his first thought upon holding her was, 'What do I do to make this a better world?'  Cain told Christian radio host Bryan Fischer in January, 'I know that that had to be God almighty sending that thought through my mind.' That's the background for what happened twelve years later. While campaigning for president around December of 2010, Cain was feeling tired and discouraged when he received a direct sign from God that he must continue. This sign was delivered via God's preferred method of communication, the text message:


read more about the Deity's political strategising at http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2011/06/god_caught_backing_multiple_go.html#
" 'Red' states are the meth labs of democracy."

Offline chapeaugris

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Re: The Latest News From The Onion
« Reply #72 on: April 12, 2012, 07:49:59 AM »
^^^ Some of the comments at the end of that article are really hilarious.

Thanks for posting these Onion links. I've been enjoying them.  :)

Offline Marge_Innavera

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Re: The Latest News From The Onion
« Reply #73 on: April 12, 2012, 07:53:46 AM »
Glad you're enjoying them!  Interesting how some non-satirical news sites occasionally have stories that might as well have been written for the Onion.  Somebody at New York magazine definitely has a wicked sense of humor.
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Offline Marge_Innavera

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Longtime GOP alliance suffers a setback
« Reply #74 on: June 28, 2012, 06:46:29 PM »
from April 10, 2010:  a flashback to a political alliance that suffered a setback this week.


Republicans, Leukemia Team Up To Repeal Health Care Law

WASHINGTON—"Citing a mutually shared vision of health care in America, congressional Republicans and the deadly bone-marrow cancer leukemia announced a joint effort Wednesday to repeal the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, the historic new bill that extends health benefits to 32 million Americans nationwide.



" 'Republicans have no greater ally in this fight than leukemia,' said Sen. Jim DeMint (R-SC), who was flanked by Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY), House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH), and the abnormal increase in white blood cells. 'Denying insurance to Americans with preexisting conditions and ensuring that low-income Americans stand no chance of receiving quality health care are just a few of the core beliefs that the GOP and leukemia share.' . . . .  In the coming weeks, Republicans and leukemia will travel the country in an effort to diminish support for the increasingly popular bill, which GOP sources said goes against everything that Republicans and the massive accumulation of toxic cells stand for."

~        ~        ~        ~


"A longtime ally of the Republican Party, leukemia also supported GOP efforts to stop President Bill Clinton from passing sweeping health care reform in 1994. A decade later it endorsed President George W. Bush's Medicare legislation, which effectively forced many senior citizens to pay full cost for prescription drugs. And in 1971 it supported President Richard Nixon's escalation of the Vietnam War into Laos.

""Leukemia has always been a disease that veers to the right,' said Newsweek columnist Ezra Klein, adding that Republicans have also sought out the support of high-profile illnesses such as sickle-cell anemia, type 1 diabetes, and sepsis. 'And at the end of the day, you can't ignore the fact that this deadly blood disorder has a lot to lose if the bill succeeds.'

"Thus far, Republicans and leukemia are confident that the bill will be repealed.

" 'In 2010 leukemia and the Republican Party will make history,' a spokesman for the illness said. 'Because years from now, when people look back and ask who was on the right side of the issue, they'll remember the day that Republicans and leukemia came together to make a real, permanent difference in the lives of millions of Americans.' "

rest of the story, and a photo of the GOP's longtime ally, at http://www.theonion.com/articles/republicans-leukemia-team-up-to-repeal-health-care,17215/
" 'Red' states are the meth labs of democracy."