The Ultimate Brokeback Forum

Author Topic: Mourning Someone Who Has Died  (Read 366521 times)

Offline peteinportland

  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 2063
Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« on: May 10, 2006, 03:22:57 AM »
Are you mourning someone who has died? If so, this thread is a place for discussion about losing love ones and how we cope. Feel free to discuss, remember, ruminate, ask questions, or anything else.

Offline Mejack

  • Billys Paul
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 1887
  • – I did, once.
Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #1 on: May 10, 2006, 07:45:42 AM »
My story is posted over on the "affected you" thread.  After seeing BBM, I began searching for the only great love of my life.  It had been fifty years.  Just recently, after weeks of searching, I found that Billy had died in 1993.

How do I cope?  I'm not sure that I do yet.  Writing about Billy has been the most important way.  Somehow I feel this sense of urgency, like if I don't do it quickly, I might forget.  After posting some of the story on this forum, I've begun writing a complete memoir.  Remembering, that's how I cope. 

There's no one in my life who even knows about Billy.  So that means not a single person that I can talk to.  But I have found tremendous support in a most unlikely place.  Auntie's Diner, over in the Meet and Greet section.  A virtual alliance of caring, understanding people.  They take my mind off of me.  That's good.

Paul / Mejack
 
Precious memories, how they linger,  how they ever flood my soul.
In the stillness of the midnight,  memories from the past unfold.

Offline babysany

  • Experienced
  • ***
  • Posts: 111
Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #2 on: May 10, 2006, 09:23:59 AM »
My younger sister, Mary, died in October.  She was only 43 yo.  I started to write a journal that was addressed to her but stopped. I find it hard to write anything right now.  I think I am stuck in an angry phase. 

I dont know if I am even coping.  My grief over Mary has gotten mixed up with my grief over Jack and Ennis.  I cry almost every day.  Thats where I am with this.

Paul/mejack, WOW, what a story you have to tell.   I hope you find some peace within your soul knowing Billy didnt forget you either.

Offline Mejack

  • Billys Paul
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 1887
  • – I did, once.
Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #3 on: May 10, 2006, 09:37:40 AM »
My younger sister, Mary, died in October.  She was only 43 yo.  I started to write a journal that was addressed to her but stopped. I find it hard to write anything right now.  I think I am stuck in an angry phase.

Angry with Mary for dying, or angry with yourself? 

Quote
I dont know if I am even coping.  My grief over Mary has gotten mixed up with my grief over Jack and Ennis.  I cry almost every day.  Thats where I am with this.

My tears were not for the BBM characters as much as for myself, having missed so many years with the only love I ever really wanted.  The tears of course compounded when I learned of his death.

Quote
Paul/mejack, WOW, what a story you have to tell.   I hope you find some peace within your soul knowing Billy didnt forget you either.

Thanks babysany.  I'm at peace.
Precious memories, how they linger,  how they ever flood my soul.
In the stillness of the midnight,  memories from the past unfold.

Offline Lola

  • Membership_deactivated
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 10471
Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #4 on: May 10, 2006, 09:50:50 AM »
I just ran across this:

Five Stages Of Grief

Denial and Isolation.

At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
Anger.

The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.


Bargaining.

Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"


Depression.

The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
Acceptance.

This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.


Grief And Stress

During grief, it is common to have many conflicting feelings. Sorrow, anger, loneliness, sadness, shame, anxiety, and guilt often accompany serious losses. Having so many strong feelings can be very stressful.

Yet denying the feelings, and failing to work through the five stages of grief, is harder on the body and mind than going through them. When people suggest "looking on the bright side," or other ways of cutting off difficult feelings, the grieving person may feel pressured to hide or deny these emotions. Then it will take longer for healing to take place.


Recovering From Grief

Grieving and its stresses pass more quickly, with good self-care habits. It helps to have a close circle of family or friends. It also helps to eat a balanced diet, drink enough non-alcoholic fluids, get exercise and rest.

Most people are unprepared for grief, since so often, tragedy strikes suddenly, without warning. If good self-care habits are always practiced, it helps the person to deal with the pain and shock of loss until acceptance is reached.



I thought the last paragraph sounded a little odd, but I guess when I think about it, it doesn't.  Grief can be all consuming and not taking care of yourself doesn't help.

Eating well, avoiding alcohol (it is a major depressant) and getting lots of rest and some exercise does help you get back on track.

The only thing I can say about grieving is it takes time, lots of time.  I lost my Mom almost 4 years ago and my Dad a year ago, and I am just starting to heal. 

I also found when you can start concentrating on the life the person lived, rather than their death, you are on your way to getting better.



(((HUGS))) you guys.
 
FUNGURL

Offline Mejack

  • Billys Paul
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 1887
  • – I did, once.
Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #5 on: May 10, 2006, 11:36:33 AM »
I also found when you can start concentrating on the life the person lived, rather than their death, you are on your way to getting better.

That's it right there for me, Lola. 
Concentrating on the time we had together.
Remembering.  (See my sig line below)   
Precious memories, how they linger,  how they ever flood my soul.
In the stillness of the midnight,  memories from the past unfold.

Offline Lola

  • Membership_deactivated
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 10471
Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #6 on: May 10, 2006, 12:11:48 PM »
As I travel down life's pathway
Know not what the years may hold
As I ponder, hope grows fonder
Precious memories flood my soul

Precious father, loving mother
Glide across the lonely years
And old home's scenes of my childhood
Infond memories appears

Precious memories, how they linger
How they ever flood my soul
In the stillness of the midnight
Precious sacred scenes unfold


 :'(   beautiful isn't it?  I have this on an Emmy Lou Harris CD.

Concentrate on the life lived, on the memories, the times together, not on the death, that is for sure.   :)
 
FUNGURL

Offline babysany

  • Experienced
  • ***
  • Posts: 111
Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #7 on: May 10, 2006, 12:23:09 PM »
My younger sister, Mary, died in October. She was only 43 yo. I started to write a journal that was addressed to her but stopped. I find it hard to write anything right now. I think I am stuck in an angry phase.

Angry with Mary for dying, or angry with yourself?

Quote
I dont know if I am even coping. My grief over Mary has gotten mixed up with my grief over Jack and Ennis. I cry almost every day. Thats where I am with this.

My tears were not for the BBM characters as much as for myself, having missed so many years with the only love I ever really wanted. The tears of course compounded when I learned of his death.

Quote
Paul/mejack, WOW, what a story you have to tell. I hope you find some peace within your soul knowing Billy didnt forget you either.

Thanks babysany. I'm at peace.


I think I am angry at her mostly because she never went for annual check-ups and it turned out she had a tumor on her ovary the size of a football.  I am angry at how she neglected herself.  I try to comfort myself with the knowledge that she didnt even know she had cancer.  She knew something was wrong as she had pains all over.  This pain was caused by blood clots in her legs.  That is what she officially died from-a pulmonary embolism.

Lola, thanks for your post about the grieving steps. It is not a linear process and it takes different times for each of us.  Yes, what a beautiful song by Emmy Lou.

Offline Lola

  • Membership_deactivated
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 10471
Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #8 on: May 10, 2006, 12:38:44 PM »
And you know she could have been for check ups and had ovarian cancer and still not have known and anyone can die of a blood clot in the legs.

You can't blame her!  :'(  So many people don't take care of themselves as they should, they don't go for regular check ups,  even when they know something is wrong. 

It is comforting to know she didn't know!   Did she leave behind family (besides you) if you don't mind me asking?

 
FUNGURL

Offline babysany

  • Experienced
  • ***
  • Posts: 111
Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #9 on: May 10, 2006, 12:46:50 PM »
And you know she could have been for check ups and had ovarian cancer and still not have known and anyone can die of a blood clot in the legs.

You can't blame her! :'( So many people don't take care of themselves as they should, they don't go for regular check ups, even when they know something is wrong.

It is comforting to know she didn't know! Did she leave behind family (besides you) if you don't mind me asking?



That is true about the blood clots...all it can take is sitting still on a long fight or car ride.  My dr. said th tumor most likely restricted blood flow to her legs.  She went to Europe in Aug.  Betweenthe  long flights and train rides the clots probably formed

My mother, two brothers and a husband.  She didnt have children. 

Offline Lola

  • Membership_deactivated
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 10471
Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #10 on: May 10, 2006, 01:51:42 PM »
Well that is very sad, and much too young to pass.  Her poor husband, and your Mother, parents should never live to see their children go before them.  :'(

 
FUNGURL

Offline mcnell1120

  • Vida Loca
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 28784
  • Footsteps in my life....leave memories in my heart
Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #11 on: May 10, 2006, 04:42:01 PM »
Wow.....this thread actually exists....not ready to express my self just yet...but I see familiar names in here...my heart goes out to you..

God Bless

Nellie :)
RICKY MARTIN ,tu eres mi Kiki !

Offline babysany

  • Experienced
  • ***
  • Posts: 111
Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #12 on: May 10, 2006, 05:34:01 PM »
Thanks for your thoughts.

Offline Dal

  • Moderator Emeritus
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 4650
  • Skim milk masquerades as cream
Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #13 on: May 10, 2006, 05:58:50 PM »
babysany -- all my best thoughts to you and your family.  If she went to the doctor, if she did not, doesn't matter:  it's a cryin' shame, it's unfair and it's wrong that she's gone.

Dal
Mommy, can I be on the kill list when I gwow up?
Of course honey, any American can -- thanks to President Obama!!

Offline babysany

  • Experienced
  • ***
  • Posts: 111
Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #14 on: May 10, 2006, 07:23:23 PM »
babysany -- all my best thoughts to you and your family.  If she went to the doctor, if she did not, doesn't matter:  it's a cryin' shame, it's unfair and it's wrong that she's gone.

Dal

Thank you ,Dal,  You are right, it doesnt matter now.  Between her dying and the epiphany of BBM I vowed to live my life as joyful as possible.