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Author Topic: Mourning Someone Who Has Died  (Read 348798 times)

Offline humble_mom

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #15 on: May 11, 2006, 06:50:31 AM »
I was somewhat taken aback this morning to see this thread started here.  Just the timing of it I guess.

My husband died five years ago yesterday...he is much of the reason I'm here really.  But like Mcnell1120 above, I'm not quite ready to go into that story here.  But this can be a great thread...necessary I think.  Sometimes support is difficult to find when you need it most. 

My heart goes out to everyone here.   :'(


Offline beej63

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #16 on: May 11, 2006, 06:53:48 AM »
nice to see this thread..

Lola sorry to hear about the loss of your mother and father..I lost my mom almost 5 years ago, 3 weeks after she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer..we were very close, called and saw each other every day..I thought..being 37 at the time, that I would be able to handle it..was stunned at how bereft I felt..my cousin (who lost her mom at same time) commented that it felt like you were 10 years old again, and needed your mom..

paul/mejack what a story..my heart goes out to you, I can't imagine having no one to talk to about Billy, but am glad you have friends in the Diner (great group!) with whom you can share..
 
babysany my mom knew something was wrong for awhile..but she also told me that she knew it was bad enough that once she went into the hospital, she knew she wasn't coming out..wanted to put that off as long as possible..my mom's tumour was the size of a baseball..and she never knew either..so it is indeed a comfort..my thoughts are with you..
*it's not the destination we reach that's most rewarding.  It's the journey along the way.*

Offline mcnell1120

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #17 on: May 11, 2006, 07:08:13 AM »
RICKY MARTIN ,tu eres mi Kiki !

Offline beej63

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #18 on: May 11, 2006, 07:14:42 AM »
thanks Nell, you always brighten my day!

 humble_mom... so sorry for your loss..you are in my thoughts.  I think that it's one of the reasons I'm here also, although not sure I can put into words quite yet how or why.
*it's not the destination we reach that's most rewarding.  It's the journey along the way.*

Offline Lola

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #19 on: May 11, 2006, 07:22:00 AM »
beej63 I am very sorry to hear about your Mom.  She went so fast, it is just so scary.  My Mom passed away a year after her diagnosis.  We were also very close.  She actually lived with me for 18 years.  And my Dad of course just went rapidly down hill after she died, as I knew he would.  Very sad time, very sad for my whole family, but I take comfort in knowing they are together.  :'(

As for everyone else, when you are ready to share your stories, you know where we are, it does help to talk and to know that other people have walked down the road you walk.
 
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Offline babysany

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #20 on: May 11, 2006, 09:10:20 AM »
Humble_mom, beej63, Lola, mcnell1120, paul/mejack, I feel for all of your losses.  It does help to talk about it.  It is a shock the first few months.  Then it really sinks in that they are gone.

Offline davidjoseph

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #21 on: May 11, 2006, 12:06:15 PM »
Because I've been fortunate enough to love various women and men in my life, death is a part of that whole experience. I've also done quite a bit of hospice work in the past so I've learned how to deal with the grieving process from that formal perspective. But I feel that nothing really prepares you for the death of someone you love deeply. I've noticed that the emotions that come up in grief (denial,fear,loss,hurt,depression,anger) aren't really in any predetermined order. They come into consciousness at inconvenient times. A smell, a song or another person's voice may trigger them. I find that I've been all over the map emotionally for a period of time after a death. I'll see someone who looks like the dead friend and want to chase after them to see who it is, or I'll dream about that person so that we can in some strange way be together again. I do think that certain of us have more death in our life than others. I'm not sure exactly why that is; maybe it has to do with learning something about the fragility and preciousness of life. I'm still working on that one.

Offline BthovenRox

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #22 on: May 11, 2006, 01:24:33 PM »
Something interesting Id like to post since BBM does make some connection to my dearly departed parents and perhaps even grandparents.

My mother died suddenly after a day of teaching school in January 01.  I was devasted.  I was way too much a mama's boy and she controlled my every move right up to age 31 (that I was then).  Of course, I let her.  It was all I knew. 

My stepfather wouldnt allow an autopsy.  A day or so after her death, my sisters told me what they had known for quite some time:  my mother had hired a private investigator to track my stepfather.  He was living a double life as a gay trannie. 

He never cried once in, around, during, or after the funeral.  He often would talk about his 'dead wife.'  The truth is, somehow, he killed her.  More on him in just a moment.

I could not bring myself to see BBM for the first month (how sorry I am now) because I thought of the poor women.  My mother was one.  The deception, the betrayal.  My stepfather withdrew all of my mothers funds and attempted to forge paperwork on what little inheritance I did get.  Shortly thereafter came the news:  he had stage 4 carcenoma, non small cell with squagmoid features and 3 months to live.  His own daughters never came.  I took time off from work with the man who betrayed and most likely killed my mother.  I took him to chemo, radiation, and sat with him till the end.  I planned and sang at his funeral.  Post funeral I learned that he'd given all my mothers money and HIS to his lover who had already bought a home with it in New Orleans where they were going to begin a new life there post surgery.

What a sad epitaph.  I've never truly gotten over it.  However, my friends, you get around it!

Peace to all.  My story is said- but thanks to BBM, I see a future.

Michael in Northern WV

Offline Sharyn

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #23 on: May 11, 2006, 02:09:10 PM »
Peteinportland beat me to starting this thread!! 

I am just getting back into the swing of things after moving (ugh) and I so badly want read and respond to all of you!  My mother died of Breast Cancer in 2000 and her mother in December of the same year...   I was 24 at the time and Mom's death rocked my world-- still haven't truly mourned my grandmother's death... I loved her, but she left a bad taste in my mouth with how she chose to deal with my dad and my mother's memory.

My relationship with my boy friend was deeply impacted and we are now only really back on track but never the same as we were... I've lost a few friends in the aftermath-- my grief or grief is general is too much for some to bear...

I too was deeply effected by this movie and as beej said-- i have yet to fully understand why... but experiencing the loss of a loved one allows you to see how precious life truly is... how precious living your life to your heart's content is all we have... Jack & ennis showed us the impact of not... (and not b/c they didn't ultimately want to)

anyway... I was gonna just write briefly... have to beat this DC traffic...   Love and thoughts to you all!  It is great to be back!!

~Sharyn
I miss you Jackie!

Offline Lola

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #24 on: May 11, 2006, 02:56:56 PM »
You guys are all getting me teary eyed.   :'(

It is true David, I don't think we can ever prepare for the death of a loved one, especially one who is very close to you. I think we have all experience seeing (or think we see) our loved one in a crowd. 

Michael  they must have some idea how your Mom died, did they suspect heart attack or maybe stroke?   If you cared for your step-father up until his death, I am really suprised he never opened up to you at the end (if he had something to share).


Sharyn, I can't imagine losing your Mom at 24, my boys were 19 & 20 and it nearly killed them losing their Grandma.  Breast cancer is a terrible disease, and one I would have thought we would have eradicated by now.

((((HUGS)))))





 
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Offline mcnell1120

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #25 on: May 11, 2006, 03:10:30 PM »
Michael and Sharyn....my heart goes out to you both.

Sharyn I'm sorry about your mom and grandma. I have a friend who was diagnosed with breast cancer. Thank God she beat it so far. (Knock on wood)....it's been 8 years but she knows that at any time it could come back as something else.
Be strong...we're here for you.

Michael...I don't have the right words to even express my sorrow for you. How strong you are to be there for HIM knowing all this about him. If in fact he did kill your mom,then God took care of him,and he will reward you for your kind heart.You've earned a few brownie points to heaven in his book. I think if it were me,I'd probably plan HIS death...Oh God....how did you find that strength?

You guys are something else....you give me strength just reading your posts.

God Bless

Nellie :)
RICKY MARTIN ,tu eres mi Kiki !

Offline davidjoseph

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #26 on: May 11, 2006, 03:55:31 PM »
Since everyone here has been so honest in their expressions of grief I find myself wanting to speak the truth about my own experience. My only son was killed in a car crash a year ago. He was visiting with the parents of his fiancee at the time. Since I was a single parent I care for him 24/7 and was fortunate enough to have an extremely loving and wonderful relationship with him. He was 27 years old and as they say "the light of my life". He was a beautiful, compassionate, and intelligent young man full of the love of life. He and I continued to be good friends when he became an adult well as father and son. We spent a lot of time together, going hiking, backpacking, sports and other activities.

When he died in the car accident in New York state, I had to fly back to identify his body which was a harrowing and heartbreaking experience. He died of a severe blow to the head so his body was in perfect condition so I found it even harder to accept that my child was dead. The county coroner allowed me to sit with his body in a chilled room overnight so I was able to say my goodbyes. After his memorial service on the west coast a week later I found myself so occupied with the financial and funeral arrangements around his death, I didn't really "get" his passing. I think I was functioning on auto-pilot for months. His death just didn't seem real to me.

It wasn't until I was walking along the street one afternoon downtown that I saw a young man walking ahead of me who looked like my son from the back. Without thinking I raced toward him yelling my son's name. Of course the guy wasn't my son when I saw him from the front but that experience knocked the truth of his death into me almost violently. I dragged myself home took off my clothes & went to bed in the middle of the day. The terrible truth had hit me and I didn't want to live any more either. So I guess you could say I was "dysfunctional" for a couple of weeks and at that point the actual grief took over. And is was frightening emotional experience........the worst of my life.

After that I began grief counseling and started to actually look at my own feelings about my son and his death.

So my heart goes out to you all who have lost someone you deeply loved. I understand.







Offline Lola

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #27 on: May 11, 2006, 04:02:59 PM »
David losing a child goes into a category all of it's own, as far as I am concerned.  My heart literally breaks for you.  As a parent, I can't even imagine.   :'(

I am glad you got grief counselling, I think that would be the only way to be able to cope with that or even begin to cope.

((((HUGS)))))






 
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Offline mcnell1120

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #28 on: May 11, 2006, 04:11:14 PM »
DAVID....


RICKY MARTIN ,tu eres mi Kiki !

Offline beej63

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #29 on: May 11, 2006, 05:40:37 PM »
david..my heart just aches for you.. losing a child is a grief like no other, and something no parent should have to face..I'm finding myself sitting here at my computer at a complete loss for words..just know I care..
*it's not the destination we reach that's most rewarding.  It's the journey along the way.*