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Author Topic: Mourning Someone Who Has Died  (Read 348797 times)

Offline davidjoseph

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #45 on: May 15, 2006, 09:50:50 AM »
Sunnysdc, my sense of all this is that we feel we (parents) who remain want to do the best thing to remember our child. But sometimes we just do what seems appropriate at the time. We not perfect people making these decisions. We forget to love and care for ourselves in the grieving process. Yeh, the "tidal wave", as you put it so well, seems to drown us for a while but somehow we find ourselves emerging from it. I know that there are days and hours where I miss my son so much it feels like I'll die myself. BTW the Joseph in my sn name is my middle name and it happens to be my son's name as well (Joe). I named him for his paternal great grandfather and for my high school & college best friend, Joe. I hope you take good care of yourself during your most painful moments, and know that you're not alone in your grief. Thanks.

Offline Caroline

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #46 on: May 15, 2006, 10:31:59 AM »
Hello everyone,

I have just been reading through the four pages of posts and I think that this may be one of the most important threads we have... to read through these experiences and see how people have dealt with them, and for those not ready yet, this may prove to be very powerful..

I am very pleased to come in and help out here. NickF (from the UK) and I have been asked to mod the support group thread. We are both thrilled to be able to be there for the people who post here.. I understand last week that there was a poster on who said some very harsh things that were totally inappropriate for here.. Rest assured, we will  be here to have your backs and to keep this a place of honour and memory and process.. that is what I think we all need.

I too have lost beloved people of my family.. the last one was my mother-in-law, last year in January... she was more my mother than my own,,, I see my reactions and emotions reflected in the words on these pages... in life, we are exposed to so many forms of death, by what ever circumstances and each have their own impact on our psyche. It is good to have this thread to be able to read a commonality in our grief and process of dealing with the loss.. It is encouraging to find out that others have gone through or at least empathize with what is being experienced..  that sense of connection can be very very powerful... and very healing..

God's grace on all of you

caroline
How strong a person is can be measured by what it takes to discourage them.... church sign, Trafalgar Rd, Georgetown, Ont Canada.. 01/30/2006

Offline mcnell1120

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #47 on: May 15, 2006, 12:11:24 PM »

I too have lost beloved people of my family.. the last one was my mother-in-law, last year in January... she was more my mother than my own,,, I see my reactions and emotions reflected in the words on these pages... in life, we are exposed to so many forms of death, by what ever circumstances and each have their own impact on our psyche. It is good to have this thread to be able to read a commonality in our grief and process of dealing with the loss.. It is encouraging to find out that others have gone through or at least empathize with what is being experienced.. that sense of connection can be very very powerful... and very healing..

God's grace on all of you

caroline


I too was very close with my mother-in-law. Even though I am very close with my mom,my mother-in-law was like a mother to me. I was the only girl she trusted for her son(so I have been told)...we talked about things that I would never say to my own mom. Partially because my mom is old country and only speaks spanish. My spanish sucks!!....I just couldn't . 

I was able to share 8 good years with her. She was an alcoholic and a heavy smoker and died from it. Last diagnosis was emphysema. She shared things with me that she never dreamed of telling her own 2 daughters. She would tell me I was like her best friend and was glad I was there to take care of her son. She knew she was dying and would hold my hand...we'd sit side by side and watch TV....my husband was in awe....She was able to see her grandson for his first 2 years. He adored her. He was only 2 yrs old when she died but he called her name for years afterwards. I'd find him sitting up in bed rocking with his teddy bear she had given him. Crying that grandma mimi was in his dreams and she had to go..........freaked me out....I'd be doing things around the house and would smell her perfume...I believe they are still around us,watching...protecting....it's comforting to know that.

Nellie
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Offline kaboyz

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #48 on: May 15, 2006, 03:59:40 PM »
One of my closest friends recently lost her father pretty quickly to cancer.  She is absolutely distraught, hates people all together and wishes death on everyone else in place of her father.  It has been almost a year and she is still extremely distraught over it all.  Any pointers on how I could help a sister out!?
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Offline Lola

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #49 on: May 15, 2006, 05:04:39 PM »
One of my closest friends recently lost her father pretty quickly to cancer.  She is absolutely distraught, hates people all together and wishes death on everyone else in place of her father.  It has been almost a year and she is still extremely distraught over it all.  Any pointers on how I could help a sister out!?

Well that is definitley NOT normal to feel like that.  I certainly never felt that way, nor has anyone else I have known.  My advice to her would be go get into therapy.  I mean seriously!  :-\
 
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Offline mcnell1120

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #50 on: May 15, 2006, 06:45:05 PM »
One of my closest friends recently lost her father pretty quickly to cancer. She is absolutely distraught, hates people all together and wishes death on everyone else in place of her father. It has been almost a year and she is still extremely distraught over it all. Any pointers on how I could help a sister out!?

Wow....the anger is something else. She needs help...professional help...she has to let go of the blame..it wasn't anyone's fault. She sees her pain as unfair and her only outlet is to hurt someone else.It only justifies it for herself...tell her nicely that her father would not like her to waste her life hating...that he's still beside her and that it hurts to see her feel that way....Get her to see someone,even if it means free counseling at work...thru Human Resources.
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Offline Caroline

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #51 on: May 15, 2006, 08:12:05 PM »

I too have lost beloved people of my family.. the last one was my mother-in-law, last year in January..


I too was very close with my mother-in-law. I'd find him sitting up in bed rocking with his teddy bear she had given him. Crying that grandma mimi was in his dreams and she had to go..........freaked me out....I'd be doing things around the house and would smell her perfume...I believe they are still around us,watching...protecting....it's comforting to know that.

Nellie

The best part of all of that, Nellie, knowing that they are still around protecting us,,, was when I danced with my mother-in-law in a dream... it gladdened my heart and I knew when I awoke from it,,, that she was still there, dancing with me through my life.. it was wonderfull....

yes, they are still there.. beneath all the roar of our lives.. it  is in the stillness of the moment that we find out that they are still there..

How strong a person is can be measured by what it takes to discourage them.... church sign, Trafalgar Rd, Georgetown, Ont Canada.. 01/30/2006

Offline mcnell1120

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #52 on: May 16, 2006, 05:03:04 AM »

I too have lost beloved people of my family.. the last one was my mother-in-law, last year in January..


I too was very close with my mother-in-law. I'd find him sitting up in bed rocking with his teddy bear she had given him. Crying that grandma mimi was in his dreams and she had to go..........freaked me out....I'd be doing things around the house and would smell her perfume...I believe they are still around us,watching...protecting....it's comforting to know that.

Nellie

The best part of all of that, Nellie, knowing that they are still around protecting us,,, was when I danced with my mother-in-law in a dream... it gladdened my heart and I knew when I awoke from it,,, that she was still there, dancing with me through my life.. it was wonderfull....

yes, they are still there.. beneath all the roar of our lives.. it is in the stillness of the moment that we find out that they are still there..



That is so beautiful....dancing with her...you just made me cry.....(a good cry)

Thanks

Nellie :)
RICKY MARTIN ,tu eres mi Kiki !

Offline kaboyz

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #53 on: May 16, 2006, 07:42:19 PM »
I come from a very large family and growing up one of my mother's brother's lived across the street from me.  There were six of them and six of us.  We were all very close in age and had a lot of the same friends growing up.  I was in my cousin Joey's wedding along with one of our friends, Brad (we graduated HS almost 10 years ago, the wedding was 5 years ago).

I kept in touch with Brad over the years after we graduated high school and when we were both asked to be in my cousin Joey's wedding (about 5 years ago), it sparked up our friendship all over again.  Brad was an amazing character, the kind of guy everyone was friends with.  Leading up to the wedding, we had many great opportunities to hang out, it was just like old times.

A week after the wedding, Brad was involved in a car accident and he lost his life.  Brad called me that same night, he told me he was going to one of the bars we frequently went to, and he invited me come along.  It was already late so I passed on going.

Only the driver and the other passenger in the vehicle know what really happened that evening, but neither of them are talking.  Brad was in the fire department and it was another local fire departments 50th anny, so before going out to the bars, they were all celebrating at the neighboring local fire department.  Brad hitched a ride up to the bar with the fire chief and another fellow fire fighter. 

The fire chief apparently dropped them off at the bar, when he heard a loud noise from behind the vehicle, he realized he was dragging Brad.  Brad apparently fell from the back of the fire chief's SUV and hit the back of his head on the road, died from the impact, and was then dragged before the fire chief noticed.  That is the fire chief's story.

The fire chief was never tested to see if he was drinking and driving and the passenger in the vehicle is claiming he doesn't know anything.  We suspect this was a terrible drinking related accident.  It was all very sketchy and very heart breaking.  Brad's poor family...they have no answers, we have no answers. 

Recently his mother sent me a picture of Brad and hugging at my cousins wedding.  His poor family has no closure and are still mourning as if it happened yesterday.  I feel so bad for them, five years later and still no answers.  We run into the fire chief and the kid who was in the SUV with them all the time.  It is so difficult...running into his family, seeing pictures from the wedding...from our High School trip...from when we were younger...

Anyway, I have dreams about Brad every once in a while.  It is so strange, b/c in the dreams, I know he is gone...and my first instinct in the dreams is to embrace him, which I do, and then I always try to get answers from him about what happened the night he died.  In the dream he always tells me not to worry about it and that 'they are going to be here soon'...then before I know it, they arrive and Brad is gone and I immediately wake up.  I remember when I first had this dream, I was so thankful to get to say hello and goodbye to him.  I'm not really going anywhere with this, just felt like sharing.           

You son of a whoreson bitch

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #54 on: May 17, 2006, 04:33:23 AM »
Just a quick note to say Hi!

Glad to be moderating here. 

If you need anything, as Caroline said, please don't hesitate to PM me!


Nick

Offline mcnell1120

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #55 on: May 17, 2006, 08:55:54 AM »
Kaboyz......your story is touching. I believe dreams have a powerful meaning behind them. I take them seriously in fact. To have him appear to you is telling you he is trying to comfort you. He's saying everything is okay...which makes me think that it was indeed an innocent accident...let's hope. Or it could just very well mean he has forgiven them and is at peace. I wonder if he visits them in their dreams. I always feel blessed when I have a dream from a loved one. It's sort of comforting,isn't it?

It's so sad when one dies so suddenly...I truly hope that Brad's family finds some answers. What makes it worse is not knowing....speaking from experience, not KNOWING is a life sentence of its own. You can never find that peace that you need to move on.

Prayers to you and Brad's family

Nellie
RICKY MARTIN ,tu eres mi Kiki !

Offline leatherman

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #56 on: May 17, 2006, 10:41:27 AM »
A couple of weeks ago, my partner and I rented the BBM DVD (things the way there are, there just wasn't money to see it in the theater). He came away thinking it was good (I mean, how often do we get to see gay love stories?) but not overly impressed. On the other hand, I'm just pulling out of a bout of depression after seeing the film. I basically knew what the film was about; but not THAT ending. I had no idea it was going to affect me so much. Grief is like that though. It hangs around and pops up at the most unexpected times.

There I was watching this great love story, and then it ends with those two shirts. Sitting here in my house, with two leather jackets left hanging side-by-side in the closet reminding me of my lost lover, I wanted to reach right through the screen and hug that poor guy Ennis. Suddenly, all that sadness I thought I had left behind just overwhelmed me again.

This movie became an obsession and I became a Brokeaholic. Thank goodness for this site.  ;)
I saw that lots of people were obsessed by the film for all sorts of reasons. After reading thousands of posts dissecting the movie, I gradually came to grips with the story and my own grief. (even looked through the slash stuff - but I can't get into some of that. This movie has a realistic edge of losing someone and when they are gone, they don't come back, things don't get better nor can you go back in time and change things to get a better outcome.)

At the end of this month, I'll be remembering losing my Randy eleven years ago to AIDS. He was only 29 (another stab of grief as Lureen utters a similar line), I was 30, and we had been together for 10 yrs. For years afterwards, as I struggled with the same illness, I withdrew into myself. Nearly a hermit in my own home, my thoughts were about what could have been, should have been but would never be. (just like Ennis, alone in that trailer with only his memories) Thankfully though, life moved on, and I got better physically and emotionally, and I moved on too.

Even though the future is still very uncertain for me (doc appt tomorrow to get results from the latest bloodwork and hoping they are still good like they have been lately, instead of as bad as they have been in the last decade), I at least still have a future. I've always been more of a "Jack" than an "Ennis" so I can even see enough of a future that I finally gave in two yrs ago, and let my long time friend officially become my boyfriend. (although he would probably say that for yrs. I've been as stubborn as Ennis for not committing sooner)

Obviously I'll never get over Randy (sometimes I even like wallowing in the grief. it helps me remember him); but it sure is nice to be in love and loved again. (it's also nice to know that I'm not the only one obsessed with BBM :D) After I figured out why this movie got to me so bad, and explained it to my partner (who, of course, understood since he was friends with Randy and I), I'm feeling so much better and ready to grab the reins on this relationship and ride it for as long as it lasts.

Thanks for letting me share. :)

Offline Lola

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #57 on: May 17, 2006, 11:39:32 AM »
And thank you for sharing with us!!  I wish you all the very best, with your new relationship and with your health.    :-*

(((((HUGS))))))))))
 
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Offline mcnell1120

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #58 on: May 17, 2006, 11:54:44 AM »
Leatherman.....(((HUGS)))   to you my friend...glad you found us too.

Nellie :)
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Offline mcnell1120

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #59 on: May 18, 2006, 11:12:43 AM »
Okay....things are boiling up inside today....all these years and finally you've reached a point when nothing matters anymore. My 12 yr old dog is sick and may die...I have an 11 yr old boy and an 8 yr old girl who are having a hard time.

This may sound a little weird but it's stirring up these feelings in my heart. Dealing with my dog and thinking of my child I lost 12 years ago. I'm not comparing the 2....it's just emotions.

I was pregnant with my first child at 27 yrs old. Things were going really well. Her due date was May 7th. In February 8th I celebrated my 28th b-day and I was at the top of the world. Had married a great guy 2 yrs prior . That night I sensed something was wrong. I was feeling great, I just get these "feelings" every now and then. Call it instinct...call it a premonition....That morning I woke up very sad...I remember going to the bathroom and sitting there praying to God ...telling him if my baby is sick to please take it now...Why was I doing this? What made me say all these horrible things?....I cried that night when I didn't feel my baby move. My husband told me to drink orange juice and relax...we had just bought a house and were planing on moving Feb. 12th.

On February 11th (the next day)  I went to work and called the doctor. She told me to go straight to the hospital...my husband picked me up and we went. I already knew she had died...didn't tell anyone at work or my husband that I just knew. The test results made my fears a reality. They couldn't understand what went wrong...they estimated that she had died on Feb. 8th(my birthday)....

I gave birth to a little girl that day. She was beautiful...dark curly hair...6 months...tiny (2 1/2 pounds)...named her Ashley Ann.....that day a part of me died....it wasn't until BBM came along that opened doors for me..started looking at life a little differently....have the support from you guys now and thought I'd give it a try. Never went to any counseling...I've had 2 beautiful children since then. Told them they have a big sister and that she protects them...

Started thinking about my best friend who died also...but I'll save that story for another day...my little girl is special to me....I'll never forget when some asshole at work told me..."Oh,you'll be fine,at least she wasn't born alive and you didn't get attached to her yet"......I know she meant well but you have no idea how that made me feel. I had this child in me for 6 months...she was a part of me....I felt her...I made plans for her....But God's plan was different, he wanted my 2 kids to have a guardian angel...that's all...

Nellie
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