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Author Topic: Mourning Someone Who Has Died  (Read 348991 times)

Offline Lola

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #60 on: May 18, 2006, 11:48:35 AM »
Nellie I can't even imagine, that was my worst fear when I was pregnant.  Had it happend, I doubt I would have recovered.   It is just the saddest thing that can happen.

Unless someone has carried a child inside them for 9 months, they will never understand.  And anyone who has and doesn't understand the pain, well I just don't know what to say about them.

And to have it happen with your first!!   :'( :'(

I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy, but that in no way compares to what happend to you, I also had one after I had the two boys, not nice, but I got over that fine.

Just think your little girl is an angel in Heaven, watching over you and your kids and no doubt your dog.  My dog will be 13 next month, I know it is not pleasant to see them age, they have such short little lives.

((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))

 
FUNGURL

Offline Dal

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #61 on: May 18, 2006, 12:47:45 PM »
Quote from: Lola
((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))

From me too Nellie.  Must have added another, very strange layer to that experience years ago, the fact that the baby had no name, no (I don't know) "social identity", was completely unkown to the world.....  except to you.

My kid sister and brother were awfully affected when our old faithful terrier died; it was sad to see them that way.  They did perk up pretty quickly when we brought a new puppy into the picture though, and they fell right in love! 

Dal
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Offline Sharyn

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #62 on: May 23, 2006, 09:05:09 PM »
One of my closest friends recently lost her father pretty quickly to cancer. She is absolutely distraught, hates people all together and wishes death on everyone else in place of her father. It has been almost a year and she is still extremely distraught over it all. Any pointers on how I could help a sister out!?

Wow....the anger is something else. She needs help...professional help...she has to let go of the blame..it wasn't anyone's fault. She sees her pain as unfair and her only outlet is to hurt someone else.It only justifies it for herself...tell her nicely that her father would not like her to waste her life hating...that he's still beside her and that it hurts to see her feel that way....Get her to see someone,even if it means free counseling at work...thru Human Resources.

Hi McNell--- I just LOVE the advice you give here... especially since you mention free counseling at work through HR. That free counseling is called Employee Assistance Program (EAP)  and that is my field (in the "real world")  Typically no one realizes their company may offer these FREE AND CONFIDENTIAL services as part of their entire benefits package. Trained, licensed professionals are available usually 24 hours via an 800 number and employees and their family members can seek assistance.  It is a great resource for many of life's troubles, but especially for grief and loss issues.

I encourage everyone to seek these benefits out at their place of employment. If you have any questions, either PM me or ask your HR contact (if you feel comfortable) -- these services are confidential!
I miss you Jackie!

Offline Sharyn

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #63 on: May 23, 2006, 09:37:18 PM »
Hi Lola---  Hugs!

Leatherman-- powerful story and I'm glad your here... still here... I wish you love and health always....

kaboyz-- I am so sorry for your loss... and thank you for sharing... sometimes there is no answer to "why" gotta ask-- are you from the northern east coast? 

Nellie-- Loss... now matter what/who... dog? cat? bird? unborn child... is still loss... and still sucks!  I've never been pregnant (yet) but had a friend who went through a very similar experience. Had to have a DNC as well. She was going through it the same time I was losing my mother.  At the time I was selfish and younger and thought she was being dramatic ... boy was I wrong! Just like she and just like you... I had plans for me and my mom and them not happening b/c she died doesn't make me mourn for her or those un-lived activites any less.   

A writing to share:   I wrote this a while ago-- after Hurricane Katrina--- somehow what all those folks went through and watching it all on TV made me think of my loss....   Thanks for reading...

Storms are unpredictable; their devastation unknown till they hit their target. Some in a storm’s path chose to prepare and stock themselves with reserves,—food, water, boxed up photographs—to sustain them through the aftermath and beyond. Others, usually in a strange form of denial, believe the warning signs of a 100 mile an hour hurricane with flooding and damage a certainty, are directed to people other than them; that either the pending doom is going to fizzle or will pass them over. Even proof of the storms severity does little to motivate these non-believers into any kind of preparation. They feel they are safe. But they are wrong. They happen to be the most vulnerable. In reality they are paralyzed by fear, masked by hope and find comfort in what they know, in what is untouched, unaltered, and whole.
   
Like any devastating storm created by Mother Nature, June 7th came bringing a tumultuous and overwhelming current of emotion and change I have not yet fully waded through and wonder if I ever will. That day in 2000 was a beautiful, warm early summer day. No storms on the horizon. The sun was shining, birds were singing, and barely a cloud touched the soft welcoming sky. It was a day most would have said was full of promise. A day made for playing hooky, loading up the car with a blanket, a good book, a bottle of wine and driving to an open green pasture and whiling away the hours in pleasant boredom. It was certainly not a day to be robotically packing up a car to drive 6 hours home, a car full of books, movies, pictures and hope never to be shared with her again.  It was not a day for devastation.
   
June 7th, that beautiful day, was my mother’s last on earth. I at times allow myself to really ponder what last truly means. I wonder about the finality of a life cut short by damage and disease. Like driving past a fatal car accident and realizing the person in that accident just didn’t make the few feet you now pass with ease. Just like that. Instantly, a human who breathed, created, and loved, can cease to exist. Sure, those left behind are told the deceased will exist in their hearts, but honestly, what piece of my mother that lives in me is not half the being she was in life and hardly a comfort on lonely nights when I’m up thinking about mistakes I’ve made at work, friends I’ve lost or can’t seem to communicate with since her death, and whether my boyfriend of 8 years is still the one for me.
   
The day breast cancer led traitorous cells to ravage and split her liver in two, causing her to bleed out, split me in two. A Sharyn before and a Sharyn after. There was definitely a Sharyn before June 7th and certainly an altered Sharyn afterwards. Like those who chose not to heed the warning of a severe storm, I lived the last 4 and half years of her life living mine to its fullest in a haze of fear and sweet hope that MY mother would live. I never prepared for this kind of end, for a lifetime without her and I most certainly never prepared for her to die without my chance of saying goodbye.
   
I was told of her death over the phone when alone in my post-college apartment. The split-second silent answer my father gave my question “is she gone?” before going on to explain, “it was very quick…” lifted my body to action from the couch then slapped me back to the floor. As my father kept talking words I will never remember, I told him to wait, that I needed a minute with “this.” By then I was kneeling on the floor, head down and out of my 24 year-old body, a 5 year-old emerged—the kind of 5 year-old I had never been—and wailed, “MOMMY! MOMMY COME BACK PLEEEEASE! PLEASE COME BACK! GOD DON’T DO THIS TO ME! WAIT! PLEASE MOMMY COME BACK!” I crawled on hands and knees banging on the floor then the front door in a fit of rage, despair and utter disbelief. I had just talked with her the night before! She sounded wonderful, alert, and happy to be in her bed, under her own covers. I had plans for how we’d spend our last days! I packed a box of treasures we’d share one last time while I combed her hair as she always loved me to do. I was going to hold her, thank her, be with her. I was going to hold her hand. I wanted to hold her hand.

But on June 7, 2000, that horrible day my mother breathed her last sweet breath on this green and blue earth, I was alone in an apartment six hundred miles away; a five year old in a heap on the floor begging for my mother.
I miss you Jackie!

Offline mcnell1120

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #64 on: May 24, 2006, 05:19:49 AM »
Sharyn...my heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this with us and you are in my prayers....(((HUGS)))

...and thank you for your kind words as well. Talking about HR and all...I sure can tell people to seek out help..but for me,I have never gone myself. Stupid huh?...never thought I didn't have it under control..but thanks to you guys I'm on my way to recovery and this HR person is going to get a phone call....

Thanks

Nellie :)
RICKY MARTIN ,tu eres mi Kiki !

Offline mcnell1120

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #65 on: May 25, 2006, 08:43:02 AM »
Today I'm in a shitty mood. A couple days ago I found out that my family's friend's son had passed away. He died suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 43. We grew up together. He married some years ago to a lovely woman who has diabetes and wasn't able to have children. Some years later they had a gorgeous daughter and their lives were great. He was the sweetest human being. Would come up to my parents even after seeing them years before and hug them. A kind soul and now he's gone. What makes me feel worse is that today they are burying him and instead I am sitting here at work in a daze. I can not bare to go to the funeral,it will kill me. Between my sick dog and very upset children...now this. My daughter's memory comes to play as well......my mother-in-law...and my best friend's death. I am truly fucked....sorry for being vulgar.

Feeling guilty that I'm allowing my 77 yr old father to drive alone with my mother to this funeral. I'm pissed at myself for wimping out and wonder if I'll regret this for the rest of my life. My emotions are tearing me apart and I just can't stand it anymore. I hate feeling this way and I hate myself for allowing my emotions to get the best of me.

Nellie
RICKY MARTIN ,tu eres mi Kiki !

Offline bbmbliss

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #66 on: May 25, 2006, 09:28:07 AM »
Today I'm in a shitty mood. A couple days ago I found out that my family's friend's son had passed away. He died suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 43. We grew up together. He married some years ago to a lovely woman who has diabetes and wasn't able to have children. Some years later they had a gorgeous daughter and their lives were great. He was the sweetest human being. Would come up to my parents even after seeing them years before and hug them. A kind soul and now he's gone. What makes me feel worse is that today they are burying him and instead I am sitting here at work in a daze. I can not bare to go to the funeral,it will kill me. Between my sick dog and very upset children...now this. My daughter's memory comes to play as well......my mother-in-law...and my best friend's death. I am truly fucked....sorry for being vulgar.

Feeling guilty that I'm allowing my 77 yr old father to drive alone with my mother to this funeral. I'm pissed at myself for wimping out and wonder if I'll regret this for the rest of my life. My emotions are tearing me apart and I just can't stand it anymore. I hate feeling this way and I hate myself for allowing my emotions to get the best of me.

Nellie

Nellie sweetheart - no-one can be expected to deal with all this grief and just carry on regardless.  You need to give yourself some credit, you know -you're carrying on with your life and bringing up your two children.  And that's what you've got to focus on, isn't it?

Feeling guilty about your decisions is natural but you can only do what you can do.  You can't look after everyone - you've got to look after yourself and your immediate family, and let the rest happen.

As for letting your emotions get the better of you, you're a sensitive, caring human being - of course, you're going to have strong emotions.  I know it can feel like you're getting completely worn out, but hang in there.  It will get better.

With my heartfelt best wishes to you
Blissx
I know why the caged bird sings.  The caged bird sings of freedom. - Maya Angelou

Offline desertrat

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #67 on: May 25, 2006, 10:16:47 AM »
nellie - are you here ? i missed you at the diner and when i just read your post i knew why you're not here. i don't know what to say what bliss hasn't said yet. you're freind, from where he is now, will not value you less just because you were not around when they put his body to earth. he isn't in there anymore anyway. and it wouldn't help anyone if you break down at the funeral. you have enough to carry yourself right now.

let me give you a big hug and let me know if there's anything we can do for you !

((((((Nellie))))))
Minds are like parachutes... they both work better when opened.

Offline mcnell1120

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #68 on: May 26, 2006, 08:43:03 AM »
What gave me some comfort last night was when I called my mom and we cried together. He donated all his organs and over 300 people showed up for his funeral...proof to me that he was loved and is up in heaven looking down on us and smiling.
RICKY MARTIN ,tu eres mi Kiki !

Offline Zudos

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #69 on: May 26, 2006, 08:50:31 AM »
What gave me some comfort last night was when I called my mom and we cried together. He donated all his organs and over 300 people showed up for his funeral...proof to me that he was loved and is up in heaven looking down on us and smiling.

Glad you are feeling a tad better today, you special special girl...

 :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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Offline mcnell1120

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #70 on: May 26, 2006, 11:39:55 AM »
What gave me some comfort last night was when I called my mom and we cried together. He donated all his organs and over 300 people showed up for his funeral...proof to me that he was loved and is up in heaven looking down on us and smiling.

Glad you are feeling a tad better today, you special special girl...

 :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*

It helps to have special friends looking after you

 :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*

RICKY MARTIN ,tu eres mi Kiki !

Offline Sharyn

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #71 on: May 26, 2006, 05:58:11 PM »
Hi Nellie,
sorry to hear about your friend... what a shitty week for you!  (be vulgar all you want!)  It is nice to hear you are feeling a little better.

I really identified with your statement about hating how you let your emotions get the best of you... I haven't had the week you've had, but I know I've been "there" whether mourning my mother, watching brokeback mountain, or even a friggin halmark comercial! -- I cried watching the last 2 minutes of American Idol when they announced the winner and that is the only part of the season I watched-- I don't know this man who won but there I was crying for him!  What is all this emotion?! where does it come from? I try to think of it as THE best in me (in all of us who feel emotions strongly) but damn... it can be scarry... and definitely overwhelming. I am glad you reached out here in your emotion and will remember to do the same when i'm hit. 
I miss you Jackie!

Offline mcnell1120

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #72 on: May 26, 2006, 06:25:05 PM »
Hi Nellie,
sorry to hear about your friend... what a shitty week for you! (be vulgar all you want!) It is nice to hear you are feeling a little better.

I really identified with your statement about hating how you let your emotions get the best of you... I haven't had the week you've had, but I know I've been "there" whether mourning my mother, watching brokeback mountain, or even a friggin halmark commercial! -- I cried watching the last 2 minutes of American Idol when they announced the winner and that is the only part of the season I watched-- I don't know this man who won but there I was crying for him! What is all this emotion?! where does it come from? I try to think of it as THE best in me (in all of us who feel emotions strongly) but damn... it can be scarry... and definitely overwhelming. I am glad you reached out here in your emotion and will remember to do the same when i'm hit.

Sharyn girl...I will be here for you in your time of need..promise..

It has been a week from hell. My vet called me an hour ago and wants me to bring my dog in first thing in the morning. I am dreading everything....

I too cried for Taylor Hicks...I cry for everything . Last night I was watching the news and they began reporting about a high school girl who was getting her hair done for her graduation...a honor roll student. She was leaving the place and got on her bike. Had her IPod on full blast and didn't hear the train coming...all night I thought of that poor girl getting her hair done for her own funeral. How morbid and upsetting. I never used to be so God darn sensitive. But here I am...geez...I like your idea of it being the best of you.AND you're right .People need to show emotion..it would make this world a better place I think.

So girlfriend...we can cry together..shoot...I don't care anymore...ha ha ha

Hugs to you

Nellie
RICKY MARTIN ,tu eres mi Kiki !

Offline jt44

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« Reply #73 on: May 29, 2006, 02:37:49 PM »
Just when I was gettin over the emotions with BBM, I come to this thread. My heart goes out to all who have lost a loved one. I really know where your coming from. It isn't easy losing a family member of best friend.
I'm from a family of five. Four boys, one girl who was the second to the oldest. I'm the youngest. When I was 5, my sister at the time was 9, was hit by a car in San Antonio, Texas. She was in a coma for 5 days before her  little heart gave out. I didn't really grasp what what happening at the time, being in kindergarten. My oldest brother told me later that it changed the way our parents showed thier affection for us boys after that. They had put up a block, so to speak, but could never come out and say that they loved us in words. All my life and to this day, I'm 47, there response to being told "I Love You", is "Me Too". I know they do, but they just can't say it. My two oldest brothers were always close, doing everything together. My brother Gary, just 11 months older than me, was my best friend and companion growing up. He took up for me when I was being bullied by the older brothers or anyone else. We shared the same room together, slept in the same bed till we got into High School, when other two married and moved out. When I was going thru puberty, he was the one to tell me about the changes going on in my body. Being raised Catholic, my parents never discussed sex with any of us boys. What I learned was in books or what Gary told me.  Hope this don't sound sick, but Gary was the one who thought me about masterbating at a very early age. There wasn't anything I couldn't tell him.
I had always known that I was different from other guys, as early as I can remember. I have always been attracted to men. At first, I didn't know what it was, then years later, I started having dreams of men and what it would be like to mess around with them. Gary and I never did anything sexual, besides years earlier with him telling and pretty much showing me about using your hand for pleasure. Of all the things I could talk to him about, I couldn't bring myself to talking about my attraction to men. This I found out about pretty much on my own.
When we got into High School, we were a little more distant from each other. He made his friends and I made mine. In the tenth grade he dropped out of school, he was struggling to get thru, his grades were poor and he was already set back a year by my Mother in elememtary. A girl  friend of mine used to take me home from school everyday. We were in the last class of the day together.  When she would drop me off, Gary was ussually at the front door and would wave at her. Deana, her name, finally asked if I would get them together, that she thought Gary was cute. Well, I told Gary, he said where and when. They dated a couple of years and decided to get married. I was a Senior in school. I'll never forget this, but, the night before their wedding, we had a party for him. After it was over, I went to bed. He came home several hours later. Next thing, there was a tap on my shoulder waking me. Gary asked if he could sleep with me, that he didn't want to sleep alone. I said sure, hop in. He asked me if I was doing alright, I said sure. "Well, I know I haven't been spending much time with you, but, You know I'm still here if you need me for anything". We fell asleep, him crading me in his arms.
Soon after I had met my future wife. I was totally screwed up with my feelings. I thought getting married, I wouls somehow change my feelings about guys. It didn't. My wife turned out to be one of my best friends. I never cheated on her, we got along perfect. The marriage lasted 6 1/2  years. Three sons. Just couldn't cope with my feelings anymore. Gary had divorced after about 7 years with Deana, they had one son. He came home from work one day and found his clothes packed. She told him that she didn't love him anymore and wanted a divorce. This like to have killed him.
My divorce was ruff. I finally came out to my family. The hardest thing I had ever had to do. My wife was angry for the years of lying, thought our whole marriage was a sham. I assured her it wasn't and would have never intentionally hurt her or the boys.
About a month after I moved out, I met my partner. We've been together 22 years. My ex took off and left the boys at my parents house. I made arrangement to put the boys daycare and school. She showed up a year later and I asked for custody of the boys. She gave it to me.
After all this time, my family still hadn't even met my partner or had been to my house. Gary was still dealing with his breakup. Always hoping she would come back. It never happened. I had gotten to the point that I was going to leave my partner and move back to my hometown. I forgot to say when I was 11, we moved out to a small town 30 miles south of SA, TX. I was telling my Mother of my plans, and she asked why I would want to do this. She hadn't seen me happier in years. I said I was happy, but couldn't live with the fact of not having my family in my life. It finally hit her, and she told me not to move out. The boys were happy and I was, they had adjusted well.
Gary was the first to make a move. He showed up at my house a few days later. He said he felt so bad about not being there for me, that he was still trying to get his life back together. He met my partner and they hit it off right away. The rest of the family came around a little later.
After 15 years, Gary still hadn't remarried. He just couldn't let himself go thru another marriage like that. He had started using drugs to help with the pain. Seeing his son every other weekend, coming home to an empty house. He hated life to an extent. He started spending more time at my house and going places with us and when he had his weekends with his son, they were with us. I would ask every once in awhile if he had dated or met anyone. He said he couldn't do it again. I finaaly realized that the drugs were really screwing him up. I got him to stay with me for quite a awhile to get him off them. It took about a year and half, but he did it.
We had a family owned business that everyone worked at. I was basically the accountant and hired a secretary, Teresa, to help me out. Teresa and I hit it off great. She had no problem with me being gay. Gary would come in the office every once in awhile, and I could see on his face, that he liked Teresa. Teresa, in the meantime was asking me about Gary. She had just went thru a divorce about a year earlier, and had three children. She thought Gary was soo cute and handsome. Neither of them would make the first move. My partner and I finally invited them over for dinner one evening, without the other knowing about the other coming. They hit it off great. Within a year they had gotten married. Gary had finally found his soul mate and Teresa hers. After all these years, Gary was happy again.
Things were going great for both of them. They had just celebrated their first anniversary, and Gary came by one day and said that he wasn't feeling real great for the last couple of months. He had been having pain in his side. I told him he needed to go to a doctor and get a check up. Teresa took him and they ran a bunch of test on him. Turned out he had Hep C, and cancer in his liver bile ducts. The years of drugs had taken their toll on his poor body. I was just totally stunned, how could this happen. He had found what he was wanting most in life, now to be taken away from him. God, I cried for days. Gary told me, "We'll get thru this", but I knew the way he said it, it wasn't gonna happen. "You have to be strong for Teresa and Mom and Dad". The next several months, I was at his house just about everyday. Each day he was getting weeker. He asked me one day if I was all right, I just broke down. I told him I was hurting so much inside to see him going thru so much pain. "I wish I could take your place, to let you enjoy what took you so many years to find again". He told me, "Someones got to keep this Family together, and I was the one that was gonna have to do it". He also said, "For all the years you put up with me and my bullshit, I look back and you made my life livable again.You have always been there when I needed you. Dropping everything to come to my aid. You don't see your other Brothers around here that much do you? Yea, they call to see how I'm doing and come around to visit once in awhile. But your the one who has stood beside me and looked after me all these years. I know our family isn't the greatest at showing our feelings and telling each other how much we care about one another. But you know Jimbo, that I love you with all my heart. When I'm gone, remember the good things that we've done together. I'll be lookin out after you". I held him the best I could without hurting him too much. After a few minutes he told me, "I want you to know, that I am really starting to get scared about dying, I don't hardly want to go to sleep anymore, scared I might not wake up again". I held his hand and he said, "Knowing your here beside me, it won't be as bad".
After a couple of weeks, Gary was completely bed ridden. I went to stay with Teresa and Gary for the last 3 weeks of his life. Teresa and I took shifts as to sitting up with him. One day I was in the kitchen and I heard a scream from the bedroom. I ran in and Gary was sitting up startled. Apparently, when he slept, his breathing slowed down to a crawl. Teresa tought he had passed on. I don't know who was scared most.
The day before Gary died, I left that night to go home and get some things done and to make sure my family was doing okay. I decided to stay at my house. Teresa called about 6 in the morning and said she tought he was going into a coma. I got dressed and was at his house within an hour. Gary had already lapsed into a coma. I felt so bad, I didn't get to say anything else to him. We sat with him and waited, I had to pick the boys up from school. I told Gary that I was leaving for awhile and would be right back. He started reaching for my hand, and took hold of it and squeezed it. I cried all the way to the school. I got back and a little later that evening my oldest Brother stopped by to see him. He stood by his bed for awhile and just couldn't take it anymore. He went outside. Teresa said she was going to go and talk to him. I got up and went and sat next to Gary. I put his head in my arm, and rubbed his forehead softly. I said" Gary, you know I love you, and I always will. Don't worry about Teresa or Mom or Dad and the family. We'll all be alright. You don't have to fight it anymore, you can let go". I guess that's what he was waiting to hear. He took one last breath and he was gone. I held him for awhile longer before I went out to tell Teresa and my Brother that he was gone.
Called my parents and other brother also.
Several weeks after the funeral, my Mother and I were talking about the night Gary died. I told her that I didn't know how to describe the feeling I had when he had left this life while in my arms. It is something you can't explain. She said she knew exactly what I was talking about. She was holding my Sister when she died. Mom said that that was something I should cherish, that Gary wanted me to be with him when passed into the other side. And it is, I miss him so much, took months of getting on the phone to call him about something and realizing that he wasn't there anymore to talk to. Thinking he's gonna walk into the room at anytime. I'm at peace now, things must happen for a reason. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of him.
Sorry this is so long. Once I start ramblin, just hard to stop. Have to get ready for work now, already late.
I want to thank Dave for this site and all of the wonderful people who visit with there stories. Damn, isn't Life wonderful!
jt44

Offline bbmbliss

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #74 on: May 30, 2006, 03:17:53 AM »
jt - thanks so much for sharing your story.  So sad... 

But you were able to do something wonderful for your brother at the end, and you SHOULD cherish that - like your Mum said.

Best wishes to you - and you're right - it is a wonderful life..

I know why the caged bird sings.  The caged bird sings of freedom. - Maya Angelou