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Author Topic: Mourning Someone Who Has Died  (Read 366502 times)

Offline Sara B

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #3585 on: January 27, 2018, 02:23:49 PM »
Debbie, what a lovely way to talk about your mom, and how the anniversary can help to bring the family closer together.
“When we grow older still we’ll speak about those two young men as if they were two strangers..... And we’ll want to call it envy, because to call it regret would break our hearts.”

Call Me by Your Name, André Aciman.

Offline CellarDweller115

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #3586 on: January 27, 2018, 02:45:11 PM »
Thank you for sharing this post, Debs.   I hope that you and your siblings were able to laugh/smile at some good memories, and that you will all continue to heal.

Offline morrobay

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #3587 on: January 27, 2018, 03:02:11 PM »
Deb, that is a lovely remembrance of a difficult day.  It's good that the memories can be shared with your brother and sister, and help with the healing.
“I answer the heroic question 'Death, where is thy sting? ' with ' it is here in my heart and mind and memories.'”  Maya Angelou

Offline killersmom

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #3588 on: January 27, 2018, 03:09:06 PM »
Wonderful post, Debbie, and so glad you and your siblings shared about it. All this helps with the healing.
Nature has cunning ways of finding our weakest spot.
Call Me By Your Name

Offline dejavu

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #3589 on: January 27, 2018, 06:06:48 PM »
Thanks, Sara, Nancy, Chuck and Linda.

Life goes on for Mom's children, and part of what we emailed about today had to do with some property my mom owned in Texas (handed down from my Granddaddy through my father).  The county real estate tax assessor just sent my sister a huge questionnaire asking us to justify the agricultural assessment on this land, which resulted in lower taxes for Mom for many years. 

Fortunately, since the land went into our names earlier this month, my brother has gotten involved in dealing with our second cousin (who recently inherited the adjoining land when our aunt died), and with the county, and is trying to locate (or at least find out the name of) the rancher whose cattle are grazing on that land.  Apparently there's no written lease; it may have been a handshake deal a generation ago, and our cousin says the rent for cattle grazing is past due.  My brother did see the cows last June.  This whole situation would have been too much for me to cope with; I'm busy trying to get ready to see my mom's income tax man in Colorado.  So at last I can say, YAY, I'm getting some help from my brother.

So anyway, we shared a few memories today, but there were also some cow jokes, because the forms are demanding to be filled out even if it is a one-year anniversary which ought to be a time for reflection.  We want to get rid of that land and the cow complications, and then maybe we can have more time to relax and just think about the good times we had with Mom, our dear mother, rather than about these current problems.  I guess that mundane stuff happens any time someone has to deal with a relative's passing. 
Jack's from Texas.
Texans don't drink coffee?

Offline ingmarnicebbmt

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #3590 on: January 27, 2018, 06:08:39 PM »

((((((Debbie))))))

This is very moving and beautiful.

Made me think and consider a lot of good, important things.

 :)
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Offline dejavu

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #3591 on: January 27, 2018, 06:22:25 PM »
Thanks, Ingy.
Jack's from Texas.
Texans don't drink coffee?

Online fritzkep

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #3592 on: January 27, 2018, 08:14:13 PM »
Thank you, Debbie.

Werd ich zum Augenblicke sagen, "Verweile doch! Du bist so schön..."

Offline dejavu

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #3593 on: January 27, 2018, 09:23:05 PM »
Thanks, Fritz.
Jack's from Texas.
Texans don't drink coffee?

Offline Sason

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #3594 on: February 25, 2018, 11:15:15 AM »
I'm glad the forum came back after being down for a few hours today, because I had been planning to post something in this thread.

This is the one-year anniversary of the day my mom died.  January 27.  I was in Colorado last year, and couldn't post about her then.

My brother and sister and I have all exchanged emails last night or this morning, remembering Mom.  It is tougher for some of us than for others.  My sister's email talked about how, a year ago, she was just going to bed at 1:45 AM, when I called her at 2:10 AM to say that the hospital had called me, and that we had better get to the hospital ASAP.  We spent a long middle-of-the-night and morning there, then I raced around trying to get some banking matters attended to (for which Mom had to be still living so that my financial power-of-attorney would still be legal) before she actually died, and my sister tried to take a nap before going back to the hospital.  So that day was not only sad, it was a madhouse.  But the three of us kids (my brother still being out of town) were close then, and it felt like we were close again this morning.

We all gave little eulogies at Mom's funeral, although we called them "speeches" or "talks," and they focused on the upbeat and humorous and loving moments from Mom's life.  My brother first appeared at the podium wearing a Broncos cap (which he then removed) and told how Mom had bought it for him "just because he wanted it" the previous fall, when he pushed her wheelchair at the store, just like she would say "Oh....okay" when he put candy into the shopping cart when he was a child, even when she couldn't really afford it.

I talked about how Mom always rooted for whatever sports teams I might like, despite being a Broncos fan herself.  I know she'd be thrilled for my sake that the Philadelphia Eagles are going to the Super Bowl, and that at the same time, Villanova (here in the Philadelphia area) is the number-one ranked men's college basketball team in the country.

At the beginning of her comments, my sister said, "Mom and I regarded baseball as far more than a bunch of sweaty, smelly athletes.  More than any other sport, baseball has a long literary history," and gave a few examples.  And then my sister read the poem "Game Called" by Grantland Rice, about how the Big Guy (Babe Ruth) was going home when he died.  "And so she has," added my sister, referring to Mom.

I told my siblings in an email today that I hoped we could continue to focus on these good memories of Mom, despite some tensions we've had during the settling of her affairs.  And I hope that anyone who has experienced a loss, no matter how long ago, can do the same.  Anniversaries like this can be painful, but they can be good, too.

Only seeing this just now.

What a beautiful and moving post, Debbie.

I'm sure, as time goes by, you'll have a lot more good memories of your mom to share with each other.

I hope this closeness between the three of you will remain, in one form or another.

Düva pööp is a förce of natüre

Offline CellarDweller115

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #3595 on: June 26, 2018, 05:45:47 PM »
Hello Brokies.

Just passing along some information shared on Facebook by Larry (Oregon Doggie), that UBF member Mario has passed away on June 12.

Mario used his first name as his screen name.  He was not a prolific poster, but was a very friendly guy, and attended the 2007 rodeo in San Francisco.


As a reminder, here are some of his posts.  Pics to follow.


Mario's introduction post.

:o Hiyall beautiful people.

Been lurking here ever since I saw film Dec 10. Cried all the way home. Went straight to the web to discover anything & everything I could about this overwhelming avalanche that had just swamped me...and lo and behold I discovered you guys in the old site.  If I remember right you were barely going on 13 pages. Went back to the beginning. Had to read everything and follow all the links & their own links. And have never really been able to catch up. Yu all amaze me and make me proud. There is hope for this country yet!

My take on the snow scene: show the the couple in their love, but also to show that Ennis being happy gets carried away and starts maybe roughhousing a bit too much for Alma, who starts shying away and you can see Ennis backing off ever so slightly and sorrow passing thru his face, realizing that Alma is not Jack; that what he had with Jack he could not have with Alma.

LOL Mario

Pardon me for any mistakes...my first posting



Mario's post in How Brokeback Affected Me


Been here for a while...Dec 10...after first viewing of BBM...rushed home...googled...found yu guys and stayed...registered later...posted sporadically since then...only when felt had anything new to contribute.....Shared in the heartbreak of so many, many stories that been so, so repressed & burst out from that dam that has always stopped us from really reaching out..I too have my own Brokeback story..thought I had pretty well worked it out ....but discovered in a recent mail to new friend...thankfully found thru this site...that I still hurt...that it wasn't all over & done with..that I still needed some venting...so here goes....

Was 18-19..finished my mexican high school...had girlfriend...pretty serious...felt I was in love..had had a couple of unplanned unintentional one-niters...not even affairs..up to that point...didn't know what to make of them, tho life-long attraction to males...but the only queers I saw were the very public ones sashaying down the main drag here carrying some stripteasers cosmetic case...cud no way in this  world identify w/that...was str8t acting..felt terrified to even think of any commonality w/those I saw on street...felt safer w/girlfriend...she being Catholic & of solid middle class stock was not loose...and I wasn't pushy..(years, later thought of that while watching 'The Chorus Line' gay guy's soliloquy...

So I went off to the big city...Mexico...to University...originally staying at grandma's house (mothers side)...Started classes......Industrial Engineering (what was I thinking!)...But Mexico City is the big kahuna....w/gazillions of people of all stripes....yep! to & fro commuting & trips to movies & whatnot saw & met people like me = str8t acting, 'normal' seeming 'xcept they were gay . I was handsome, young, fresh, naive, innocent and so, oh so willing to explore that whole scene...By this time had moved over to my married sisters' apartment, cramped but cozy...

Every weekend, even w/very limited funds explored my gay side...finished thru post w/girlfriend..and went full force.....'xcept it proved altogether too distracting, started skipping classes, etc...and also quickly discovered how shallow & unfulfilling the one night stand scene was...not for me...started looking for love...(now, I know yu can't go out & look for love, but then..)

Became so disenchanted & knew that the big city, for me, at this time, was not healthy...looked for way out. Joined a zionist youth group that had one-year trips to Israel, tho they were 16 & was an already old 18 (that's how I felt)...Signed up to go on next trip, but had to get parents permission, and not only for passport purposes...The dilemma :   How to explain to my parents that taking a year's sabbatical was good for me without telling them the real reasons...well I did it...not easy, but I can be determined..well remember the long afternoons on the coast, watching the
waves crash and pondering about me & life & gayness...oh gawd ..miserable..There were still 6 months to departure, so went back to city (sex & the city, ummm?) to finalize arrangements...and....Yes!...yes! met the one..THE ONE!!!!!

At first didn't know he was the one..first one-nighter, then affair...then...was in deep doodoo  (as Bush pere would say)...As our love deepened I became more frantic...At first had kept info on my plans to myself...but couldn't anymore...he broke down... I broke down (believe me, BBM scene of Ennis breakdown was nothing...)

He was 26, I, 18...He worked for Sears Roebuck as an account rep or something..me =broke and brokenhearted student, not even out). He was from state of Veracruz, orphan, raised by grandparents, & had taken it upon himself to raise & educate his 9 yr old nephew from a single mom sister. Working class family..he was most upscale of them...Handsome, tall, blondish, slim, intelligent, sensitive & hot...what more cud a nice Jewish girl wish for?

Thought long & hard..(please no puns)...& concluded : If reason for sabbatical was one-night stand scene & all that that implied & my search & need for love...and I had found the one...then No need to go away...we would just live happily ever after.....right?  NOT!!!!

So I went back home, ostensibly for final packing...had tickets, passport, etc..and....now tried to convince my parents why I SHOULDN'T go away! Well, now they knew something was not quite kosher....And now they insisted I go away...how's them apples?....Found a love letter, not explicit in the erotic sense, but quite explicit in the emotional sense he had written me....

Shit hit the fan!

They accompanied me back to the city, to say goodbye, but really, to ensure I got on that goddam plane.....Also...my mother had a brother that had ties to law enforcement....so she told him I was being corrupted & seduced by this seemingly child molester (he 26, me 18). Well my uncle was a gung-ho type of guy...so he did a bit of investigating..found out who he was, where
he was, who he lived with....Meanwhile I was in virtual house-arrest...couldn't go out by myself anywhere, always w/Dad or Mom...

My uncle went & confronted him & more or less told him that "if he valued his nephew's life he would keep away from me"....I somehow managed to slip away from bodyguards to make phone call to him ....to tell him, that loved him and hoped that I would find him in a years time....And he lays the visit on me, he was frightened and indignant...I was shocked & outraged....So......

......right then & there over phone, made plans to elope....Yep! run away together.. our Brokeback to be was Belize, right over border in the south..We figured we could both find work in hotel & tourist industry there.....That same day slipped away & off we went to his grandparents home to drop off his  nephew in Veracruz...It was Carnaval time..well remember..big to do in Veracruz....grandparents lovely, kind & loving old folks....guess they knew 'bout him....not sure tho, ...Would leave for Belize in a couple of days...That night...feeling bad for parents, called
home....told them my outrage...told them that it was my life & that had right to live it...told them that since I was going to be away for a year anyway..just to think of it that way.....

Uncle again....traced the call..first thing next morning...he burst into the home..w/local cops along...scuffled, bloodied (but not bowed) were hauled over to local police station where he was promptly accused of child corruption, or something.....We both denied even being involved...no gay rights there....having my passport proving my legal age was the
lifesaver.....couldn't get me to file any sort of charge (kidnapping, I think) 'gainst him....Got slapped around some more by uncle,....BTW.....Dad was also there...he wasn't into punching me, tho....And were let go....

Yu know its' been years since I told this story...still shakes me...thought it wouldn't

Drove back to the city (12 hr drive).....didn't say a word since we left police station....arrived at night at sister's house....everyone was staying there...boy was it cramped....As I walked in thru the door, shirt torn, bloodied....my mother slaps me....walked past her, went to kitchen, took knife, came back to her & gave her the knife...& stared into her eyes....She burst into tears....me I was cried out already...no words.....they tried to talk to me, reason, whatever..showered....and went to bed..fell asleep....departure day 2 days ahead...

For next 2 days....not a word from me....just wanted everything to go away....everything..couldn't wait for departure....

Flight plans=MexCity-NYC  2 day stopover, then NYC-Tel-Aviv

They decided couldn't be trusted on stopover so bought a ticket for uncle & sent him along with us to NYC, w/ xcuse about having some business there to take care of....excuse for benefit of my 9 other fellow youth travelers...funny....I was the oldest...only one w/chaperonne....

Departed..yes hugs but no words from me....All plane ride, no words to uncle...NYC, saw snow for first time....Statue of Liberty, etc....finally when plane took off for Tel-Aviv...broke down & cried...for first time.....uncle had warned me that if tried to contact him....told me had ability to intercept mail & phones...in Mexico, it was entirely possible....it would go badly for him, my Arturo, .....funny but I had no intentions of doing it.....like I said.....just wanted everything & everybody to just go away....mentally wished my beloved the best and sorry it had all come down to
this..but was defeated...

A full year went by before I answered any letters from them...and only to tell them that whereas my group was going back, two of us would remain in Israel, me one of them....

I was legally an adult already and they had no more control over me......

that is & was my Brokeback......completely defined the rest of my life's' choices...

Now I'm 62...survived all that...am HIV +...tho healthy....virus count still undetectable after 5 years....have earned my right to call them as I see them....

lol

mario :)




Mario's post in the Farewell To Heath thread


tell yu what friends.....the cliche says that yu can never go home again.....but in this case the cliche is so wrong.......just witness the in-gathering of old friends in time of need.....so confident that the love that they found here is still here and the solace and comfort  they sought, needed and found here, would be found here again......thank yu all for keeping the home fires burning and the porch light on....much love to yu all.....Mario :) :) :) :) :) :) ;D >:D

Offline CellarDweller115

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #3596 on: June 26, 2018, 05:46:50 PM »



Mario at the rodeo

Offline CellarDweller115

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #3597 on: June 26, 2018, 05:47:58 PM »



OregonDoggie, Mario, Jack

Offline dejavu

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #3598 on: July 01, 2018, 05:40:09 PM »
Only seeing this just now.

What a beautiful and moving post, Debbie.

I'm sure, as time goes by, you'll have a lot more good memories of your mom to share with each other.

I hope this closeness between the three of you will remain, in one form or another.

Thanks, Sonja.  And I'm only seeing your reply now.

And on a lighter note, you see that my brother could even bring football to a funeral.   :)  I guess sports were part of what brought the family together, or gave us moments to share.
Jack's from Texas.
Texans don't drink coffee?

Offline dejavu

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Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
« Reply #3599 on: July 01, 2018, 05:48:06 PM »
I think I recognize Mario from that SF rodeo.  I'm sorry to hear this news.
Jack's from Texas.
Texans don't drink coffee?