Lovelyamazing,
I have not visited this thread in several weeks, and am therefore late, as usual.
I am so very saddened to learn of your Mum's passing. All I can offer is boundless empathy with you. Well, that, and alongside so many others, a reasonably strong shoulder to lean on if you need it.
For 11 years, I was sole caregiver for my Mum and my Dad, both of whom had, and subsequently died as a consequence of, Alzheimer's disease. As you will understand, it was so difficult to watch those precious individuals ever so slowly disappear before my very eyes.
During the 5 years I worked, as a priest, in war zones in southern Africa, I never had time to mourn those many around me who were senselessly murdered, for there was simply too much to do. After leaving Africa, owing to my own illness and gunshot wounds, I quickly came to realise that I had been in a constant state of grief, and I promptly fell apart.
The same dynamic occurred during my care for Mum and Dad. There was no time to grieve for there was so much to do, yet I was grieving all the while. As is the case with so many other people, I am terrific in a crisis situation. It is afterwards that I collapse into a heap.
I understand, intimately, how you feel and the process through which you are going. How glad I am that you are surrounded by the dear, loving individuals in this forum.
You and your Mum are now in my thoughts and my meditations, and there you shall remain.
Malcolm