As I often discover on this forum, I've visited the serious threads like this one, offered support, but never really shared any of my own experiences, other than brief stories.
This May will mark the 4th year since I lost my grandmother, my mom's mom.
She did not have an easy life, having "had to" get married, and spent her entire life with a man that was verbally abusive towards her. My mom was their only child.
Gram was quick to anger, because of her situation, but she never took it out on her grandkids. However, we could tell she was not happy.
Near the end, her behavior started to get very erratic, and she was diagnosed with Dementia, and we were fortunate to find a great Alzheimer’s facility with a caring staff, and she was able to end her life surrounded by caring people.
We received a call from the facility one morning, that gram had been taken to the hospital, unable to take decent breaths. Her lungs were filling with fluid, and she was diagnosed with emphysema. She never smoked a day in her life, but Gramp's 2 pack a day habit had its affect on her as well. When we got to the hospital, they had drained her lungs, and she was breathing again. However, we were told this was not a good situation.
Not long after, we got a similar call, and they took gram to the hospital, and mom went with her. Dad, my brothers and I were at home, as the facility was about an hour ride away. Gram was always afraid of doctors and needles, and mom could hear her mother screaming in the room when the doctors approached her. She called the facility, and they told mom to let gram stay in the hospital overnight, and to discharge her the next day, and have her come back to the Alzheimer’s facility. Not to worry, they would take care of everything.
When mom got gram back there the next day, they had taken a spare room, and given it a fresh coat of blue paint, hung up pictures, and moved in two beds, one for gram, and one for mom. They told her she could sleep there, and would provide meals for mom as well.
Gram held in for another week, and Mom lived there for that week with Gram. Due to work issues, we were unable to go each night, but we called and talked to mom every night.
Saturday came, and mom called to say Gram was failing, and we piled in the cars, and drove as quickly as we could. We got there to see mom in the room, and Gram in the bed, but it was not quick enough, and by the time we got there, Gram had crossed over.
Mom said it was peaceful, and that she preferred it be this way, so she had private time with her mother, to say what she had to say.
I've had many conversations with mom over her time alone with gram, and I believe her when she says she was glad it was just her and her mom in the room, but to be honest, I still carry much guilt over the fact that mom (who had always been there when we needed her) had to face the death of her mother alone.
There is a silver lining here. The Alzheimer’s facility decided to keep the room that gram & mom stayed in as a "hospice room", and any future family members that want to do what mom did with her mom, can stay there with their family member in peace, and since gram was the first person to stay there, they have named the room after her in her honor.
