Hi all--
Finally getting around to introducing myself here. The mods keep clamoring for me to jump in, so now you get my life story! Have been too busy writing fanfic (and occasionally doing my job too), so don't get over here a lot. But I've visited Dave Cullen's wonderful forums since September, when I first became aware of BBM. Didn’t even know what slash was until October, but I scoured the forums for whatever I could find, and the rest is history.
Once I saw the preview for BBM last August (shocked the hell out of me--I had never heard of it, didn't know who Jake and Heath were, etc., and didn’t that change in a hurry! pant, pant …), I read the story and was just devastated. I'm in a real long-term relationship, and BBM brought back those early days of discovery and obsessive love that he and I experienced—and that we will never experience again. While he was touched by the sadness of it all (saw it a second time only because I made him), I was caught up in the romance—how it all began, just the fact that whenever they were together over the next twenty years, they had a passionately good time.
Nonetheless, I wanted to ditch my man, my job, my life and move to Wyoming. I was feeling very much trapped (mid-life crisis, maybe), and the oddest thing is that ultimately BBM empowered me to deal with that. In observing what happened to Jack and Ennis because of their decisions, especially Ennis, who thought his course in life was set in stone, I started to view my life more objectively, especially concerning my partner. This was rather disconcerting, because suddenly I felt that if I wanted to walk out, I could. If I thought it would be the best thing to do, I could actually do it. No one was stopping me. Not the sort of thing you talk to your lover about, is it? But it meant that if I was trapped, it was my own doing and so I could undo it.
In addition, writing offers me a great emotional release, but I’ve had no real incentive to do it until becoming part of the BBM community. I’d never even looked at blogs or forums before, and I’ve found many online interactions to be so rewarding!
Despite all this empowerment, however, the movie had me worried. I was so concerned about my response to it that I made sure I knew as much as possible before seeing it the first time. It didn’t matter—it was a beautiful, well-crafted movie, and while I thought I would be sobbing in the aisle, it wasn’t like that at all. I did remember every line, however, and played the scenes out in my head day after day after day. The second time I saw it, I nearly burst into tears every time Ennis was feeling or showing emotion. The third time, it was the music that did me in. Of course I had to download the score ASAP and then buy the soundtrack, and that first chord still paralyzes me. The fourth time, I was worried that the key lines in the movie might actually be too melodramatic and laughable. But then I remembered “Gone With The Wind,” and I thought, so what?
A major benefit has been learning about the actors’ and director’s craft and interactions, just coming to realize what goes on between casting and the screen. For some reason, Jake just seems like a pro in real life, so I can imagine him doing the incredible things he does in BBM. The range he has to play is astounding, in my opinion. To this day, however, I have a hell of a time placing Heath up on that screen as Ennis. As Annie Proulx herself said, he got it down better than she did. I still find his transformation amazing, although I know that was his job. I am so impressed by both of them, by the women as well, and of course Ang Lee.
Anyway, as an option to watching the movie over and over, I’ve resorted to writing. That first scene in the tent inspired me to write a fanfic with the urgency of that action. It was meant to be just another story, but a reader requested the second night, and how could I resist? That second night is so open-ended, so romantic compared to the first, that I had to try it. Appropriately, it turned out to be a longer story, giving me the chance to refine the interior, psychological approach to Jack and Ennis that I thrive on. After that, I had fun more or less “cataloging” their sexual education that summer, with the stories largely playing Ennis’ reservations against Jack’s confidence. It's a challenge to play the field between hormonal sex and emotional sex/love, and try to sneak in a little humor too. I enjoy reading the other fics that do that in addition to having good plots.
I’m now into another significant period, the four-year reunion, which has got several chapters churning in my head (three of which have been disgorged, thankfully). Fortunately, I believe the men’s emotions would run the gamut from passionate love to hostility as they try to reconcile their intentions and circumstances, so I’ve got plenty of food for thought.
Finally, I’ll say this, since I mentioned wanting to run away: being Belgianboy has brought stability to my life and is well worth the effort. For one thing, sex is getting more … um, fulfilling, shall we say, as I find it increasingly difficult to separate reality from my stories. The husband don’t mind neither.
I love being part of all this!
Belgianboy
