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Hello fellow Brokies!
This thread is a continuation of the original "How Brokeback Affected Me" thread. Please use this thread to post your thoughts about how you were affected by this film. The thoughts you had, the emotions you felt, and the actions you took.
Can you divide your life into chapters titled "Before Brokeback" and "After Brokeback"? Have you made small changes, large changes, no changes?
Tell us about it.
To start this thread, I went and found my first post, from the original thread, back on December 29th, 2005, three days after I saw the film for the first time.
How it affected me???
Well, it re-affirmed to me the belief that the type of love Jack and Ennis had is possible, and I deserve to have that too. I came to this decision about a year ago, when I decided to take chances and placed a personal ad. After a few misses, I have finally met someone, and we are dating.
I think I got more of a sense of pride and anticipation as I walked out of the theater at the end of the movie. I remember thinking....."This is gonna help people change how they think. People will come away from this, and realize we all don't lisp, and prance around all swishy, with limp wrists, acting like a bunch of "man whores", looking for sex, but not love."
Wow. What a difference a year and a half makes.
I still believe that the love that Jack & Ennis had for each other is possible for me, and that I deserve to have it. The guy I mentioned in the above post and I are no longer dating. That's ok. I've since moved on in my dating life, and have had other encounters and relationships that I've grown from.
I learned that time is short, and I've actually started approaching men. I'm no longer content to being the "wallflower", and I'll actively flirt and attempt to meet guys. Sometimes it's paid off, sometimes it hasn't. But at this time last year, I was content to be the "wallflower", not realizing that I was hiding myself in the shadows, denying myself the opportunity to grow.
I'm contemplating changes in my career, branching out into a field that I've thought about often, but held myself back from, because I didn't want to deal with rejection. A new career (just like finding love) is a risk, and if you want to receive rewards, you need to take risks. I now feel ready to take them, confident enough that even if I am rejected, I can pick myself up, dust myself off, and move on to the next challenge that I will be presented with.
Lastly, Brokeback helped me to come to terms with what I perceived to be my "femininity". In the post above, I talked about Brokeback showing gay men who didn't lisp or have limp wrists. It was something that I was always very conscious about. After reflecting on the movie, I came away with the idea that if Ennis & Jack had been more comfortable with themselves, things may have been easier for them. I'm not saying they should have acted effeminate. I mean if they were able to accept themselves as gay men, life may have gone more smoothly. So I made the decision to accept myself the way I am. Does this mean I'm openly flamboyant? No, but it means I no longer care if I act in a way that someone may be critical of, using my behavior to demean me. I have learned to be happy with who I am, and how I act. I feel much more relaxed now than I have in a long time. I even marched in the NYC Pride Parade this year, and that is something I said I would NEVER do.
I also took the leap, and started to travel, and since BBM, I've been to Florida, Texas, Oklahoma, Maryland, Michigan, and Colorado. California, DC, and UK are next on the list. If anyone would have told me 2 years ago that I would be traveling all over, meeting people from around the world, and doing things like square dancing, horseback rides, hayrides, and other new things, I would've told them they were crazy. But it's happening for me.
and it's all because of Brokeback Mountain.
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Hi Chuck,
I was one of the early posters on the "Affected Me" thread,
and now that we have this continuation, I just wanted to drop in
for a minute to say Hi to everyone again.
Before Brokeback:
1. Living in the deepest recesses of my self-imposed closet.
2. Billy, my only love, deeply imbedded in my soul for 50 years.
3. Nevertheless, married 34 years, four sons, and contented.
After Brokeback:
1. Discovered this forum. Jackie greeted me first.
2. Desperately searched to find my long-lost Billy.
3. Found that he had died years earlier. Emotionally drained.
4. Slipped out of the damned closet for "one glorious weekend in Texas."
5. Met you there. Friendships were cemented, and continue to grow.
6. Visited Billy's grave, accompanied by another good forum friend.
7. Immersed myself more deeply in my work. Still married, of course.
8. Became a grandfather last month! What a hoot that is!
9. Oh yeah, still in the closet. Seems like home, now.
I've known real love. I'm satisfied with life. Love all you guys! :-* :-*
Paul
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We love you too, Paul!
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Hi Chuck,
I was one of the early posters on the "Affected Me" thread,
and now that we have this continuation, I just wanted to drop in
for a minute to say Hi to everyone again.
Before Brokeback:
1. Living in the deepest recesses of my self-imposed closet.
2. Billy, my only love, deeply imbedded in my soul for 50 years.
3. Nevertheless, married 34 years, four sons, and contented.
After Brokeback:
1. Discovered this forum. Jackie greeted me first.
2. Desperately searched to find my long-lost Billy.
3. Found that he had died years earlier. Emotionally drained.
4. Slipped out of the damned closet for "one glorious weekend in Texas."
5. Met you there. Friendships were cemented, and continue to grow.
6. Visited Billy's grave, accompanied by another good forum friend.
7. Immersed myself more deeply in my work. Still married, of course.
8. Became a grandfather last month! What a hoot that is!
9. Oh yeah, still in the closet. Seems like home, now.
I've known real love. I'm satisfied with life. Love all you guys! :-* :-*
Paul
Hi Paul!
I read "Beyond Brokeback" and I cannot forget how much your life's story touched my heart! :( :( :(
I'm so happy you have known real love!
I discovered this forum a few months ago only and I am really involved with all your painful even if wonderful stories, BBM obsessed Friends!
A big hug from a 50 years old straight woman from Northern-Italy.
Laura
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All I can say is this.....I'm glad Brokeback kicked my ass to reality...I still can't believe I was living my life as I once was....can't believe how negative I was and how easily I gave up on things,including my life!! I can't believe that I never thought twice about making decisions that would affect my whole life!! Never once thought that I was affecting others lives by my stupid decisions...can't even believe that on my downest times I wanted to end my life and take the easy way out....I had a few hours to think about all this the other day...was reflecting on this whole year...again. Was sitting under a tree in Lake Geneva,Wisconsin this past weekend...looking at the beautiful water and the gorgeous sky...watching my kids play in the water and fishing...hearing the laughter around me and the family interactions...the hugs and the I love you's...ugh!! What was I thinking?...this is so great!! I was so blinded..taking life for granted...not realizing that I had it all right in front of me. ...So easily said huh....but it ain't easy...life is never easy. This movie made me realize all this...my friends here...the whole package!
I no longer ask myself when will I get over this movie,when will it fade?....I was walking down the rocky pier,hearing the water splash and thought of our Jack and Ennis as they sat by the water,talking...washing their plates in the stream..arguing...got a lot of flash backs this weekend. Made my heart ache something bad. Started missing my friends from this Forum,the one's I've met...*sigh*
I really hope you all have found some form of peace...I really hope that your lives have all changed for the better..or still changing. Was thinking about all you folks in here....hoping you're all doing good..and keeping you all in my prayers.It will always be like this, just like this..
Nellie
I'm bringing this from the old thread as much to see if I can do it, and to comment on my darling Nellie's words...
You are a shining light to me, sweet Nellie, and always will be. I'm glad we found each other here. I am better for knowing you. :-*
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Chuck, you know how I feel about your comments. I am proud to know you, and call you my friend. I like who you are, too. :-*
Paul, my Elder Brother. After reading your comments, I found myself going back to the original thread, from the beginning, to remind myself how it was, as we all started exploring this phenomenon and our reactions to it, how we coped with the knowledge that we could/would never be the same after this. I was intending to find and quote my favorite post ever made on this Forum, the one from Jari (Boris) about needing to reclaim the direction of our lives. (Here it is for those who wish to read it: http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.msg55695#msg55695 ).
But, I got sidetracked by all those early stories, some of which are now in our book, including yours. Those were heady days, weren't they? Painful, as we tried to unlock the secrets we had kept from ourselves; joyful, as we discovered we were not alone. And we are still not alone. The friendships that began as a cyber-share, under cover of anonymity, have become real and personal and necessary to my life, and I am grateful. I am not a NEW person, but I think I am a better person, for being here, for loving the film, and mainly, for knowing all of you. So, one more in my ever-growing list of thank you's to all of you here. :D :-*
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The friendships that began as a cyber-share, under cover of anonymity, have become real and personal and necessary . . .
Yes, Jackie, oh so necessary!
What would I do without you, and Jari, and Linda and Chuck and Terry and Brad and on and on . . .
Paul
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I read "Beyond Brokeback" and I cannot forget how much your life's story touched my heart! :( :( :(
Laura, I'm so glad to meet you! Beyond Brokeback is a true phenomenon.
Paul
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I learned that time is short, and I've actually started approaching men. I'm no longer content to being the "wallflower", and I'll actively flirt and attempt to meet guys. Sometimes it's paid off, sometimes it hasn't. But at this time last year, I was content to be the "wallflower", not realizing that I was hiding myself in the shadows, denying myself the opportunity to grow.
This is great. So many people are afraid to go out seek what they need, and in the process languish. I'm happy to hear that BBM led you to stop being one of them. And I hope that you find someone that fits you, and fills your life.
Lastly, Brokeback helped me to come to terms with what I perceived to be my "femininity". In the post above, I talked about Brokeback showing gay men who didn't lisp or have limp wrists. It was something that I was always very conscious about. After reflecting on the movie, I came away with the idea that if Ennis & Jack had been more comfortable with themselves, things may have been easier for them. I'm not saying they should have acted effeminate. I mean if they were able to accept themselves as gay men, life may have gone more smoothly.
Good for you. I don't want to cross over into a discussion that belongs in the Masculine & Gay thread, but it sounds to me like you are realizing that masculinity is not about the way you walk or talk, but rather about your conduct and character.
I think that one of the things that kept Jack & Ennis from understanding their homosexuality was that they didn't know any homosexual men that were like them. The one's they associated with the word "queer" were too far outside their experience: flamboyant, promiscuous, superficial, urban queens. Since being bitten by BBM, and recently joining the Fraternal Order of Androphiles, I have put a high priority status on placing my virtues ahead of my sexuality in public. I think it is important for homos and heteros to see non-stereotypical homosexuals flourish in real life.
Milo
Modified by CellarDweller115 to fix "broken" quote
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It's a wonderful thing to realise that the thread had become so vast - all these wonderful and touching personal recollections. As one who's been here from near the beginning I can say again to all -
Thank You For This Forum and the difference it has made in so many lives.
DaveinPhilly
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I've known real love. I'm satisfied with life. Love all you guys! :-* :-*
AMEN!! That really is what its all about, Paul.
BTW, I'm with sweety02. I read your story here over several posts, and I too was deeply touched. Thank you for sharing it.
Milo
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Yes, Jackie, oh so necessary!
What would I do without you, and Jari, and Linda and Chuck and Terry and Brad and on and on . . .
Paul
Yes Paul, my good friend, the feeling is mutual. You are one of the few who have made me strong and enabled me to make the changes in my life that have so enriched my life and have made me happy at last. I thank YOU for being my friend and there for me.
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my first post here,
first of all i want you to know ......i love you all ....for posting all these wondelfull words in this thread.
i've been reading i guess from last april 2006 never commented,sorry.
i'm from the netherlands and i don't know how to express myself very well in englisch.
i watch bbm the 24th of april 2006 ,could't forget that date,no way,it changed my live completely.
i watched it the first time like...oke.
the morning after i woke up and i couldn't eat ,didn't know what was wrong with me.
that night my husband was at home and i said"this is a movie i want to watch with you together"
he did.
but off course he didn't like it, like i did.
so that was my second take on bbm.
that's when it hit me.
i didn't do anyhting else anymore,just watched bbm ,youtube and everything else related to bbm,dicovered this furom and fanfiction.
but it made my relationship to my family so much better,i was a person who took everything for granted,now i know that you only get one chance of a lifetime for love and i'm living it.
it made me a better person for sure.
i'm trying to let my husband know that i think this way,but he is like an ennis, i surely do love him for that,but it's more difficult.
i haven't found anyone around me who loves bbm like i do,i've let all my friends an collages watch it but they're all like ,oke good movie or even so boring ,i fell asleep on it.
don't know what it is that keeps us getting back to it.
i haven't watched bbm in almost 3 months,i'm afraid to fall back again, i'm reading a lot of fanfiction now and i must say it helps a lot to get over it.
i only read the happy endings off course.
but there are so many beautiful stories out there, i recomment them to everyone who is feeling like me.
liefs carolien
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Carolien, welcome to posting! I've sent you a pm, honey.
The film, OUR film, has made these words true for so many of us:
"i know that you only get one chance of a lifetime for love and i'm living it.
it made me a better person for sure."
Please keep posting, sharing with us, honey.
-Jackie
Oh, and your English is just fine. ;)
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Carolien - fantastic first post - so many wonderful things have happened to those truly "affected" by Brokeback. Thank you for joining the conversation!!!
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I've been thinking for a bit what I'd like to say in my 10,000th post and I think it's entirely appropriate to say it in 'How Brokeback Affected Me'- because, after all, all of this is a result of the movie.
So since I've posted here last how has Brokeback affected me? Well, I'm tempted to say that it has gotten me more involved in living. Now I grow orchids - I had never tried that before. Now I'm taking pictures with my digital camera (and phone camera). And there are things like going to Operas and riding horses - some new, some continuations of things I have done before. Before BBM I just grew cactus and my digital camera (which I won in a contest) had sat unused on a shelf for several years (that's kind of a metaphor - it's not shirts in a closet, but you get the picture). I didn't have a camera in my phone. So I seem to be affected in that I am both trying new things and getting together with people to revisit things that I had tried in the past.
These may seem like little things but they are symptomatic of what I have seen all around me. People are willing to try new things - and the film challenged us to do that. In so many ways people have tried to 'fix it' (both big and small) in terms of their lives. People have moved to new states (and new countries). People have gotten married. And many have made plans to change things in their lives that they don't like now.
I continue to analyze and accept the challenge to continue to change my own life. For me that's not new - that's what I was doing when I moved from Michigan to San Francisco in 1980 and when I accepted a tech job in 1985 and moved to working in libraries in 1999. But it continues to be the right thing to do. I know my answers are not the same as the answers that others will come up with - but wouldn't life be boring if we did?
I think that some of these challenges are why it has taken me longer to get to post 10,000 than it did for me to get through post 4,000. Even though I'm a moderator I find it is essential to 'unplug' - to get involved in life off the computer - in order to 'fix it.' And the message of Brokeback means that I don't live in the past, but continue to move forward and look at new things - to live vitally now - and sometimes living vitally means turning off the computer.
There have been some disappointments along the way. There have been conflicts and some who were with us are no longer here - and that's sad. But, of course, this is reflected in our day to day experiences as well and in the online world in other contexts too. If I could give a piece of advice regarding this I'd say 'think before posting'...and then think again. Think about how you would feel about getting the post you are giving. If you are ever thinking about leaving think and then think again. I think there are lots of people here who probably care about you and would miss you. But these disappointments have to be contrasted with the positive moves that people from all 3 forums have made socializing together in real life. And all in all it has been a great experience
One thing that I worry about is that as a group we may focus in too much on our emotions and allow them to paralyze us. It's important to feel - but then to take actions on what we feel - whether we've been abused or bashed or lonely or left mourning a death - feel it and take a step forward. And that step forward can be getting into therapy too (because, of course, an online community can only go so far in helping us change). It sure has helped me in the past. Regardless, know that we will all support those steps forward.
I was commenting to a new friend from the forum that one of the things I'm most grateful for is that I have met people who are willing to get out and do things. Among my long term friends I've noticed a tendency to 'settle down' and not get out much. Perhaps one of the things we 'brokies' share is that we do not want to settle - we want to try new things. That's a good thing to see in people.
For me what continues to be important here is that we talk about things that are meaningful to us and enriching our lives - and if that's a film in 'Gay Cinema', or a trip in the 'Railfans' thread, or a song in 'What are you listening to now', an Opera in the Opera thread or a new book in the 'what are you reading now' it lifts us up and helps fulfill us. That's one of the things I like about my slasher friends - they have a goal (writing - or reading and commenting on others writing) and they share it and treasure it. I may not do it too much myself, but I honor and respect that they do. I think it's important to expand our words - to keep growing and keep changing - the get out of that 'trailer in our mind.' I really don't think that any one thing - whether it be the perfect relationship, or the perfect story, or the perfect film - can be the 'answer' for our lives - because we have to go on living. The world doesn't stop, it isn't fixed (in either sense of the word) in a moment. We need to remain engaged. And no one thing can do that - whether it be gay institutions, a marriage, kids, or our life's work. In order to live a good life I think we have to keep trying new things and remain engaged - I hope to keep doing this myself.
How do I hope to remain engaged here now? I would hope to continue to grow and share. I would hope that people would find inspiration from the films and books we discuss in the film and book clubs - to continue the experience of enlightenment that we had in 'Brokeback Mountain.' I would hope that we could discuss what the world was like for gay people in threads like 'Gay History.' And yes - that is a plug - I want my friends here to come to my threads. One of the best, most fulfilling things that has happened for me here since post 4,000 is meeting people in the book, film and gay history threads - they're a good, thoughtful bunch - and if you haven't encountered them you owe it to yourself - they're a real treat.
I also hope that we continue to meet people from all forums in real lives and to be engaged with one another. We're a pretty loving bunch.
I look forward, both here and offline, to continue growing and changing with my friends - to live in a brighter, happier future. I'll see you there.
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Mainly sending so this new thread appears in my new thread box- have always enjoyed the old thread although after nearly 18 months not much new to report from me. I have made new friends online and met some here in Australia and of course DaveinPhilly on my trip to US in April which I count as a blessing due to Brokeback.
Perhaps offtopic -must search for an other movie thread but last night I was blown away NEARLY as much as by Brokeback when I saw "History Boys"
The homosexual student (1983) says "I am jewish, small and homosexual, I am f...d" My heart broke.
At the end they outline what happened to the characters (apparently differs from the play - more research needed) and this same boy became a teacher, he never touched the boys, he was not unhappy but not happy either. That described my career as a teacher to a tee. Tears were streaming down my face.
Many other things I would like to research and discuss about this film and have just joined my 2nd movie forum????
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I've been thinking for a bit what I'd like to say in my 10,000th post and I think it's entirely appropriate to say it in 'How Brokeback Affected Me'- because, after all, all of this is a result of the movie.
So since I've posted here last how has Brokeback affected me? Well, I'm tempted to say that it has gotten me more involved in living. {snip}
Michael, a very nice post. And congratulations on your 10,000th.
Becoming more involved in living is maybe the most important goal we can set for ourselves, whatever that means to us. That's a lesson I got in an intellectual sense from the film, but I didn't really experience it until the Estes Park BBQ. The warmth and caring of so many wonderful people was unbelievable.
I'm making some minor changes in my personal hobbies too (for me it's not a digital camera yet, but maybe soon; right now it's a new color printer). And I'm being more daring in terms of things about which, before, I would have have said, "Oh, no, I couldn't possibly do that."
One of these things is traveling to meet people from the BBQ, to develop a wider circle of friends. From as short as a drive to a near suburb of Denver to eat dinner with someone from the BBQ, to the San Francisco get-together coming up in September. And, while the plans still have to be worked out, I may spend some time in NYC for the first time -- a place which has always terrified me.
New things have a way of forcing time away from the old things, because you can't do everything all at once. So I may not be commenting as much in the book club until all this traveling stops (I'm also back in Denver for three weeks in August) but I enjoy the books and will keep up the reading when possible.
It is interesting to see that no matter where all of us started, there are certain common themes that a lot of us have drawn both from the movie itself, and from the experience of becoming a social group with some shared interests.
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Congrats on 10K posts Michael!
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Michael and Brian, thanks for sharing your experiences here!
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Congrats on 10,000 Michael - awesome post :-* Always love your insights.
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Michael, congratulations on your 10,000th post! You are so garrulous! It's a good thing you're also so articulate. With any luck I may soon break 30! (Of course I've been kind of busy behind the scenes. ;)
Yes, the Brokeback phenomenon for me has also been a call to be more engaged in living, a call to leave the trailer behind. I'm glad that we are close enough together geographically to do some of that together.
One of the things that I have been impelled to do is to become more involved politically. I have been invited to become part of a coordinating committee for a progressive organization, and I've decided to jump into it. This is pretty radical for somebody who's been essentially alienated from the American political process since the Democratic convention of 1968. But I'm just not going to take it any more.
The process continues....
Jonathan
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Michael,
What a terrific no. 10,000!. It gave me goosebumps, you have such an uplifting clarity to your writing and your ideas.
And it took me back to Vancouver just under a year ago when you were plotting post no. 4000 with new friends, at Hamburger Marys....
Yes, the end-run effect of Brokeback for me is continued "moving on and opening up" and enjoying new friendships with folks of like mind.
John
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I've been away for a while, but there's been a sudden change for me: Here's a quick summary of my situation months ago (from the original forum...)
Six years ago, a small argument with my wife over something I'd forgotten to do in the
house kind of snowballed into her demanding to know why I don't show any affection - Why we hardly ever make love.
I must have been pausing too long between answers, because she was now enraged. Then
came the bombshell: "I've seen you looking at men - do you want to be with a man?"
The colour must have drained from my face - "You've been seeing men, haven't you?"
So I told her the truth. I admitted that I had always had gay fantasies but had never acted on
them. Ever. "You make me feel sick" were her final words.
Of course I can see why she felt betrayed, that she was a 'cover'. But I married her because
we were soulmates, inseparable, passionate together. I made a genuine commitment for us to
be together for the rest of our lives. I'd lied by omission though, afraid that she would leave
me if I confided this part of me. Lies are Lies, whatever their circumstances.
From that day, we never spoke about 'us' again, kissed or made love. Family life went on, we
talked about work, lived and laughed together... It was like an unspoken 'deal' had been made to save our children from the effects a broken home.
Yesterday, my wife told me she had something very important to say to me when the kids were tucked up in bed - I knew this was the end of the 'deal', but she wasn't angry or accusing - Just calmly stated that she would always love me, but it was unfair on both of us to carry on as we are.
She wants to rebuild old friendships that she has let slip since we married rather than worry about finding a new partner, and genuinely wishes me well if a relationship with another man is what I truly need. To separate as friends and ensure our kids' welfare is first and foremost, with no need for anything legal regarding maintenance.
It's the most 'here and now' experience that I've ever had in my life - I just nodded my acceptance of what she had to say, but I must be in a kind of shock as since then I haven't cried at all - My thoughts seem to be racing between despair, isolation, guilt, relief and fear for the future. I feel like the continuity of my life-path / self-image is at an end.
She's called my bluff and set me 'free' with genuine goodwill, but why do I feel so afraid even thinking about realising my personal 'brokeback'? I've buried my feelings for so long now, I have difficulty contemplating my needs without feeling guilty.
I'd love some good advice from anyone who's going through the same :(
Andy
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Andy, I just read your post and I just had to respond, although I am not in your situation and can't relate, except for the way you said this is the most "real" encounter you have ever experienced.
Over twenty years ago, I got married to someone I knew I didn't love, and I meant to keep that my little secret. Four years after the wedding, I broke down and confessed this to the marriage counselor. I thought the room would be set fire if I ever confessed this. She validated my feelings, my truth, and told me I had to build my life on the truth, whether it would be to stay in the marriage or not. I remember walking away from that situation as if suddenly my life was on a solid foundation again, even though I had much work and heartache ahead of me -- but just because I had admitted my truth to one other person.
That is the closest I can come to imagining how you feel.
I remember reading that there is an organization to turn to that gives people who are coming out resources in how to think about doing it. I'll see if I can find the link.
The one thing I remember is that they say it can be a slow process, if that is what you need.
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Whiplash, Jonathan and John - thanks so much for your kind words! I hope you all know you've been part of my journey here, with the get togethers in Vancouver, Chicago and San Francisco. Thanks to you all!
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Andy,
I have no advice that I can give you from my own experience...but this I can say. Being set free is and can be a very scary feeling. The structure you once had is no longer. I don't know how old your children are,but living a lie isn't a good thing for them or for yourself,you know that. This is a good thing,even though it's hard to see that right now. Your friendship with your wife will be stronger,she has respect for you,and because she loves you,she is setting you free to live your life,as she is for herself.
It's okay to be uncertain of course,it's okay to be afraid. Just take one day at a time,that's all you can do. Listen to your heart,for it never lies.It's a slow process,so patience is the key factor,and know that everything is going to be alright...good luck to you both.
Nellie
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I don't have a dramatic story; I don't have a life changing event; I don't have an exciting epiphanic experience. What I do have is what attracted me to the Forum -- I saw 'Brokeback Mountain,' the movie. My experience is so similar to many of you on the Forum that it's almost a cliche. I was blown away by the acting -- Jake and Heath were Jack and Ennis. Their story was gut wrenching and poignant. This has all been said by many others and better, so I won't attempt to describe my feelings about the movie except to say that I did not cry or sob; I thought about it ---- a lot! I bought the DVD and subsequently the CD. I listened to the music which gave me such a feeling of melancholy that I must admit, I did come close to tears a number of times.
After reading so many accounts of what the movie meant to other Forum members, and especially after reading Michael's post, I began to think about it. I concluded that I don't have much to excite the reader except this. I have come to understand what being gay means to so many here. I've lurked on various posts, bought 'Beyond Brokeback,' and have learned and been captivated by the heartbreak, problems, confusion, and optimism of so many, many posters. Their courage in many cases puts me to shame as a straight female. I have never and will never have the experiences written about here; I will never have to show such courage by having to walk away from family or siblings; I will never have to leave a spouse because I lived a lie; most of all I will never have to face my children and tell them I am a gay man or woman. Those who have had to do so have my profoundest praise and gratitude. Praise for your courage, and gratitude for showing me another side of humanity. You all have filled me with humility.
Well, that's it -- not much to offer -- except to say that I will be with everyone here in spirit who is struggling to make a life, to change a life, to follow their dream, and to find love in whatever form it takes, and on whatever terms it takes.
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*ahem* (Is this thing on?)
I ain't a gal that preaches much (as k.d. lang says) but I have something I really want to get out as widely as possible. So despite the fact that a couple of earlier posts on this new thread are very important and I hope get the big response they deserve, I'd like to put up a "more words than I've said in a year" post.
After being punched in the gut by BBM, and nurtured and inspired by this forum, I've done 4 stints of public speaking, a death-defying act for me. The place was my church, and the topic was making my church a safe and truly welcoming place for GLBT folks. One presentation was specifically based on one of the posts on this forum, and could easily be adapted to temple, synagogue, monthly meeting.... it's been road-tested in a couple of North American churches and vetted by someone who is trained in pedagogy. I hope you consider passing it on to someone who might take this story to a group of people you know.
With kids:
When you have a piece of paper, and two people want to share it, you tear it in half and then there are two smaller pieces of paper. When there are three or four people sharing the same paper, the pieces are even smaller.
What I like about candles is that you can light a second one from the first, and neither one gets any smaller. At Christmas time, here in this church, the whole church is full of people, and each one of them has a candle, and they all get lit from one candle at the front. And all the lights are just as big as when there’s only one, except there are more of them.
I think that’s how God’s love works, and how some people’s love works. When there’s more people to love, none of them gets any smaller amount of love, it just grows and grows. You don’t have to divide up love.
I heard a great story about light and candles that I want to tell.
It’s about a boy and a woman. The woman lived on a ranch, and sometimes she was in charge of babysitting him. Usually they did really fun things when she was looking after him. One day when she was in charge of looking after him, instead of doing one of the fun things, she said she wanted to talk to him about something.
So he sat there like you guys are doing now, only this was on a ranch, and it was in a beautiful spot outside, like there are on ranches. The woman told the boy that she thought he was very special, she thought that God had made him so that he would grow up different from other men and that one day would understand that. She told him that no matter what, he had to believe that Jesus loved him very much, that he was born to carry a special light, a light that would give the world a sacred brightness.
She told him that there would be people who would not understand and there would be some who would be cruel to him because he was different but no matter what, he had to remember that he was born under a special star and had that special light to carry to the world. She also told him that she would always be his friend and that she would be there as my friend if he wanted to talk.
When I heard that story I wanted to tell all of the kids here that they each have a special light to carry. You might grow up to be teenagers and grownups in a place where there are lots of people like you, or where there are hardly any people like you. But it is possible that you might grow up and find that there are people who don’t understand you and are so cruel that you feel very alone and so much sadness that you forget that you have a special light to carry.
I hope nobody feels that way now.
I’m willing to bet that if you ever feel that alone, there is somebody sitting here in this church right now who would be your friend if you wanted to talk to them about it. Someone who would cheer you up and help you remember that you carry a special light. And that light is never any smaller because of someone else’s light.
With rest of Congregation:
This is the sequel to the story I told the kids.
The boy in the story I told the kids became a teenager. He found out that the woman was in the hospital dying of lung cancer and he went to see her.
By then he had an idea what she was had been talking about all those years before: he was gay. When he walked into the hospital room, she at once reached for hand and said "How is my fire child?" They made small talk for a few minutes and then he told her "I know now what you were talking to me about that day in the aspen grove." She squeezed his hand again and said "Are you alright?" He told her he was and they talked for over four hours.
During that conversation, the woman told this teenager that her brother had taken his own life at the age of 21. Now I believe depression and suicide are complex issues that we are not able to control many times, but the people in this story belonged to a conservative church that repeated to this brother that God could not love him as he was, that he could not be loved. The woman was sure that this had driven her brother to the despair that led to his suicide. That’s why she took a rather bewildered 10 year old boy aside and told him that that God had made him different from other men and that one day would understand what that difference was. She told him that no matter what, he had to believe that Jesus loved him, that he was born to carry a special light, a light that gave the world a sacred brightness.
This is the story of a friend of mine who lives in a different city. He’s a successful business owner, and he has found love: he has shared his life with another man for 15 years, and he is a faithful Christian believer, although he has left the church he was raised in. He spent some year struggling with the demons of loneliness, alienation and self-destructive behavior, but he did not succumb to them.
When he was giving permission for me to tell you his story, he told me he doesn't know what he would have done without those four hours, that they were among the most important minutes of his life. Although the woman died a couple of weeks later, he felt like he had lost his best friend. She was the only person on earth who truly knew him then.
When he first told me that story, [after I went through half a box of Kleenex] I knew I wanted this church to be a place where everyone who walks in those doors, walks out again believing they can be loved, that they have a sacred light to carry to the world, something wonderful and important. There are things that can be a barrier to that belief, like being in a minority about sexual orientation or gender identity. I wanted us to be people who know how to get past the fear, the discomfort, the mistrust; It’s not a dream about us coming here to be perfect, it’s a dream of us learning to be people who know how to open our hearts.
So that's what I wanted to tell you. I'm putting this here because if it reaches just one other person, and changes just one more child's life, the effort will be worthwhile (and so will my taking up all this room for one post!).
You people are all great, thanks for being here - for me, for each other.
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<snip>
Those who have had to do so have my profoundest praise and gratitude. Praise for your courage, and gratitude for showing me another side of humanity. You all have filled me with humility.
Well, that's it -- not much to offer -- except to say that I will be with everyone here in spirit who is struggling to make a life, to change a life, to follow their dream, and to find love in whatever form it takes, and on whatever terms it takes.
Never say that you have nothing to offer...you just did...thank you so much for putting it so beautifully.
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<snip>
So that's what I wanted to tell you. I'm putting this here because if it reaches just one other person, and changes just one more child's life, the effort will be worthwhile (and so will my taking up all this room for one post!).
You people are all great, thanks for being here - for me, for each other.
So glad you did...I remember this...you told us this a while ago?...so glad you did again,because it's something not to be forgotten...and I hope that it will reach people,for the newbies or for whomever!! It warms the heart and keeps the spirit strong...Hugs to you!!
Nellie
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Hugs to you, too!! It wasn't me who put this up before, but the story itself was on the Gay & Christian thread. (It was Osprey's post, I'm sure he won't mind if I say that) Had me in tears for days, and I just had to do something about it.
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Thanks Nellie, for your kind words.
Nikki
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Hugs to you, too!! It wasn't me who put this up before, but the story itself was on the Gay & Christian thread. (It was Osprey's post, I'm sure he won't mind if I say that) Had me in tears for days, and I just had to do something about it.
THAT"S where I heard it!!...oh I'm sure he won't mind...it brought tears to my eyes as well and so glad you acted on it...you're sweet and thanks for thinking of all of us....
I love this thread!! ;D
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Thanks Nellie, for your kind words.
Nikki
;D ;D :-*
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The process continues....
Jonathan
Jonathan, this simple statement grabbed me...that is what dear Michael was talking about in his MAGNIFICENT post. (Thank you, darling Michael.)
This is what we all are trying to deal with...the process continues...life continues... WE continue....don't we?
-Jackie
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She's called my bluff and set me 'free' with genuine goodwill, but why do I feel so afraid even thinking about realising my personal 'brokeback'? I've buried my feelings for so long now, I have difficulty contemplating my needs without feeling guilty.
I'd love some good advice from anyone who's going through the same :(
Andy
Andy...darling...like tellyouwhat, I have not gone through what you must now deal with, but...
I, too, buried real feelings for so long that I forgot what they were. Is that what you fear? Not really uinderstanding what you are entitled to as a human being? What you are entitled to...kind of scary, isn't it, honey? For you ARE entitled to live the authentic life that you are meant to live...and it IS frightening, especially when you have never known that option. But, now that option is yours, and you ARE entitled to it, and you have a right to it, and it is not easy. So, don't push yourself, don't rush to anything. Savor this moment, honey. Think about the possibilities with wonder and joy, not guilt. The wonderful woman you married may understand you more than you understand yourself right now...and that is ok...the great thing is that there are no deadlines, no limits, no anything, but the time you need to find what is good for you...and it will come, friend, it will come...let it come when and as it will...don't force anything. And in the meantime, you have us, your Brokeback family. We will hold you, and sustain you, and care for you...I'm glad you are here, Andy.
-Jackie
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After being punched in the gut by BBM, and nurtured and inspired by this forum, I've done 4 stints of public speaking, a death-defying act for me. The place was my church, and the topic was making my church a safe and truly welcoming place for GLBT folks. One presentation was specifically based on one of the posts on this forum, and could easily be adapted to temple, synagogue, monthly meeting....I hope you consider passing it on to someone who might take this story to a group of people you know.
{snip}
I'm putting this here because if it reaches just one other person, and changes just one more child's life, the effort will be worthwhile...
I "road-tested" this message in a Sunday School lesson to elementary children (just the children's portion). The children were engaged in the story and their responses afterward showed that it really struck home for many of them. I think this is a beautiful example of the "ripples" set in motion when BBM was first written. Quithammerin, you continue to widen the scope of its effect, and I salute you. Thank you for risking your own discomfort to get the message out!
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AWT- Andy...
I lived all of my life until I hit 46 as a closeted gay man.
I've had many relationships through the years, most with women, only one with a man, (aside from Nick), 'cause I grew up in a rather "religious" family who I knew would never accept me as I was.
I also grew up in a broken home. My parents divorced when I was six. Dad remarried, Mom never did. I lived with Mom. Never really knowing what a healthy and loving relationship was all about.
Remain close to your children, no matter what, 'cause what you show them through your example will set them up for life. Continue a friendly and caring relationship with their mother while living a mature and healthy one with the man you eventually become one with.
Whatever happens with your life, and the life of your children and wife, know that there are many here supporting you along the way, cheering you on.
Rob
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Michael...
Mikey...
Your words are wise and make me happy to consider you a friend,
Hugs, bud, know that I'm thinking of you and looking forward to your upcoming visit!
Boo
(PS Avoid Enumclaw and Spanaway.)
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Nellie,
I'm overjoyed seeing your avatar back! It brought smiles over a year ago, is bringing them back now!
Love and hugs,
Missing you,
Rob
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.... and have learned and been captivated by the heartbreak, problems, confusion, and optimism of so many, many posters. Their courage in many cases puts me to shame as a straight female. I have never and will never have the experiences written about here; I will never have to show such courage by having to walk away from family or siblings; I will never have to leave a spouse because I lived a lie; most of all I will never have to face my children and tell them I am a gay man or woman. Those who have had to do so have my profoundest praise and gratitude. Praise for your courage, and gratitude for showing me another side of humanity. You all have filled me with humility.
Well, that's it -- not much to offer -- except to say that I will be with everyone here in spirit who is struggling to make a life, to change a life, to follow their dream, and to find love in whatever form it takes, and on whatever terms it takes.
um, may not seem like much to offer, but I just read this now, and it's terrific - speaks to me, anyway, especially the bolded parts, because it's where I am, too. Sums up the last year of my life, actually....thanks for putting it so well.
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Michael...
Mikey...
Your words are wise and make me happy to consider you a friend,
Hugs, bud, know that I'm thinking of you and looking forward to your upcoming visit!
Boo
(PS Avoid Enumclaw and Spanaway.)
Thanks Rob...much love to you too! :-*
(I'm allergic to dander - I think I'm safe.... ;))
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Michael, congratulations on your 10,000th post! You are so garrulous! It's a good thing you're also so articulate. With any luck I may soon break 30! (Of course I've been kind of busy behind the scenes. ;)
Yes, the Brokeback phenomenon for me has also been a call to be more engaged in living, a call to leave the trailer behind. I'm glad that we are close enough together geographically to do some of that together.
One of the things that I have been impelled to do is to become more involved politically. I have been invited to become part of a coordinating committee for a progressive organization, and I've decided to jump into it. This is pretty radical for somebody who's been essentially alienated from the American political process since the Democratic convention of 1968. But I'm just not going to take it any more.
The process continues....
Jonathan
Jonathan, this is fabulous!
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quithammerin, thanks so much for your kind words. If I touched you in any way, I am privileged and honored.
Nikki
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quithammerin, thanks so much for your kind words. If I touched you in any way, I am privileged and honored.
Nikki
Nikki, I just wanted to let you know that I appreciated your post here as well. And I also wanted to share with you that I too have been very moved by the bravery of some of the people who have had to face a spouse or children (like Andy). In a way I think it was much simpler for me, knowing from the time I was a young teen - and I have to admit that what some would have thought of as bravery at being 'out' at a young age is probably also due in part to my stubborn nature. :D I just wasn't going to let anyone tell me what I could and couldn't do.
And, btw, your kind and supportive presence here is much appreciated (as is yours Q.H.). Thank you!
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Michael...
Mikey...
Your words are wise and make me happy to consider you a friend,
Hugs, bud, know that I'm thinking of you and looking forward to your upcoming visit!
Boo
(PS Avoid Enumclaw and Spanaway.)
Thanks Rob...much love to you too! :-*
(I'm allergic to dander - I think I'm safe.... ;))
Oh no, Mikey, don't tell me that!
I have a dog, two cats and a bird!
Lord love a duck, as Dad used to say!!!
;D
(I'll find you an activated carbon dust mask, if I can!!!)
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quithammerin, thanks so much for your kind words. If I touched you in any way, I am privileged and honored.
Nikki
Nikki, I just wanted to let you know that I appreciated your post here as well. And I also wanted to share with you that I too have been very moved by the bravery of some of the people who have had to face a spouse or children (like Andy). In a way I think it was much simpler for me, knowing from the time I was a young teen - and I have to admit that what some would have thought of as bravery at being 'out' at a young age is probably also due in part to my stubborn nature. :D I just wasn't going to let anyone tell me what I could and couldn't do.
And, btw, your kind and supportive presence here is much appreciated (as is yours Q.H.). Thank you!
let me add to what michael said that we gay men and lesbians, and all the other initials, will never have sufficient numbers to achieve our own full civil rights and/or such such inclusion in our respective religious bodies as we would wish on our own. it is ONLY through the willingness and bravery of you straight family and friends, and your willingness to go to the barricades with and for us, that this might ever be achieved.
i remember the sixties when i risked much to support desegregation and voter rights marches in the south, and fight the more subtle discrimination in the northern industrial states. without white support at critical junctures and in critical votes the results STILL wouldn't be in on the civil rights movement.
i also stood with the feminist movement knowing the injustices and marginalization were wrong. would that those who profited from unknown gay supporters return the favor and support, from their position of having been there not so long ago.
for her work, coretta scott king will be my hero forever. she carried on and surpassed her husbands gallantry.
thank you
jack
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Michael and Jack,
Thank you both. I am overwhelmed by your kind words.
Nikki
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Nellie: It reached me and I passed it on to my daughter who is in charge of at least 100 little children aged 3-12 in her ward of the church.
Bobby
<snip>
So that's what I wanted to tell you. I'm putting this here because if it reaches just one other person, and changes just one more child's life, the effort will be worthwhile (and so will my taking up all this room for one post!).
You people are all great, thanks for being here - for me, for each other.
So glad you did...I remember this...you told us this a while ago?...so glad you did again,because it's something not to be forgotten...and I hope that it will reach people,for the newbies or for whomever!! It warms the heart and keeps the spirit strong...Hugs to you!!
Nellie
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She's called my bluff and set me 'free' with genuine goodwill, but why do I feel so afraid even thinking about realising my personal 'brokeback'? I've buried my feelings for so long now, I have difficulty contemplating my needs without feeling guilty.
I'd love some good advice from anyone who's going through the same :(
Andy
Andy:
AHappyMan sent me a PM on your post, because he knows I don't get around the Forum much these days.
Thanx! for sharing. If you've read any of my story you know that we are in similar circumstances, except from the time we had our 'talk' and I came out to my wife, it was only four months until she gave me my freedom by asking me to move out, which I have done. After reading your post I realized that my wife really does want my happiness...even though it is very hard for me to understand. She was so mean to me for so many years, it is hard for me to look at her as a nice person.
I'm in the same place as you are essentially about 'realizing a Brokeback experience.' I mean the love that Our Boys had, not the challenges ... no one wants that crap. Mine is complicated by my Shy Bladder Syndrome, which I talk about more freely here on the Forum than I ever have anywhere else. I believe this phobia actually saved me from the AIDS epidemic earlier in my life...since I could never pee around men (or anyone) and since I had not come out to myself at all, I've been doubly closeted I guess you'd say for all my life. My spirit is a gay one (no pun intended) and I love a party and fun, so I would have been right in the drugging and sexing and all of that, I am sure. Many of my closest friends from college are dead now from AIDS. I didn't know that until recently, when I met up with an old friend from those years of the '60's. We never talked about being gay, or exhibited any
Now, I am free of any entanglements from my wife. I am trying to decide to be free from any entanglements of religion...much harder since I am Mormon. I am just beginning, with help from AHappyMan and CANSTANDIT to explore the possibilities of a gay life...my therapist wants me to be 'out there' also.
So, I feel for you. It is not easy. In fact, in my new apartment my kitchen is so small it might as well be a trailer kitchen. I even think Ennis' kitchen is larger than mine. It just dawned on me that my 'cute little apartment' as AHappyMan calls it...is really as much a trailer as it is an apartment.
The difference is...my friends on the Forum...who have stepped out of the electronic world we live in here, and have taken me to dinner, given me hugs, invited me to their homes, and become some of my best friends in life.
PM me bud, if you think we can work on anything together.
Love ya'll,
Bobby
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Nellie: It reached me and I passed it on to my daughter who is in charge of at least 100 little children aged 3-12 in her ward of the church.
Bobby
<snip>
So that's what I wanted to tell you. I'm putting this here because if it reaches just one other person, and changes just one more child's life, the effort will be worthwhile (and so will my taking up all this room for one post!).
You people are all great, thanks for being here - for me, for each other.
So glad you did...I remember this...you told us this a while ago?...so glad you did again,because it's something not to be forgotten...and I hope that it will reach people,for the newbies or for whomever!! It warms the heart and keeps the spirit strong...Hugs to you!!
Nellie
I'm so glad Bobby!! :-*...you're a doll!!
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Bobby, not all trailers are symbolic of loneliness. Ennis' is. You have more of a social life and friends who are supporting you spiritually. Plus they know the real you. It sounds to me very different from ennis' trailer.
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Nellie,
I'm overjoyed seeing your avatar back! It brought smiles over a year ago, is bringing them back now!
Love and hugs,
Missing you,
Rob
Aww, thanks sweetheart...I was tired of looking at myself and put the little Rican shaking her bon bons...bwahaha
glad I brought a smile to your cute face...missing you like crazy...so I'm sending you some hugs from Chicago...okay?
Love ya (( Rob ))
Nell xo
AND BOBBY......
I agree with Ms. Tellyouwhat ...you're not living in a trailer..it's much more than that..to me it's only the beginning of what's going to happen in the future..this is only your resting place...your place of dreams and new beginnings ,doll. Soon enough it will surely transform into something you've been awaiting for so long...just because it's small,doesn't make a damn difference...there are people out there living in mansions..and to them,they are living a trailer life...but not you buddy....not you!!
Nellie
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The friendships that began as a cyber-share, under cover of anonymity, have become real and personal and necessary . . .
Yes, Jackie, oh so necessary!
What would I do without you, and Jari, and Linda and Chuck and Terry and Brad and on and on . . .
Paul
Ah, Paul. You're a sweet, good, man, in possession of a wonderful heart. I'm happy to have met you too. and I too carry the memory of the wknd in SA close. I'm a better man for having met you.
terry
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Hi there. This is Miral Paris. I have a new address, though, cause I forgot my old one.
My story is that BBM put me in touch with the part of me that misses passion and romance. I had that when I was dating, but I have really missed it in my marriage. I love my hubby--he is truly my soulmate--because for various reasons he's not the passionate type; doesn't like kissing and not much interested in sex. I had talked before that now that we are 46 and 51, I felt that that passionate time of my life was gone. Well, maybe if he dies first I'll be a 70-year-old match.com person.
Anyway, things are looking up! I took the reins (ha) and acted very differently the last time we made love (a few hours ago, actually). I have been reading Lori's Two Crows Joy story (you must read it) and what I really wanted was the romance. Long and languid kisses, longing touching, looking into each other's eyes and later lots of moaning. I hope this is not too explicit. I am trying to be poetic here.
Anyhoo, rather than wait for him to want this and do it, I just acted like this myself. I started the slow, languid kisses and he just followed my lead. The touching, smelling hair, fingers lightly trailing over warm, sensitive skin. Like Ennis, for me smell is a real turn on.
Anyway, I really didn't realize I had the power all along (click my heels twice) to make it more what I wanted. Especially the KISSING, and overall longer and more drawn out. And it worked, and the results were, uh, quite good. I think it helps that we celebrated our 16th anniversary yesterday (had a blast on a canoe trip) and it was a Designated Romantic Weekend. So, thanks to BBM, my romantic life is getting better!
Speaking of the story I mentioned (TCJ) plis Human Interest, I am feeling so much more settled--don't know if that word is good, but it's the opporite of the haunted feeling when everything in the film/book turns to shit. If you don't know the stories, it's a alternate universe where they get together adter Ennis' divorce. The story is about their life and their family life to gether on the "Brokeback Ranch." All is not happiness and joy for them, but they always have each other, and their personal growth (especially Ennis') and relationship growth is tremendous. Not to mention lots of smut alternating with great plot, characterizations and a cast of other characters.
I look forward to getting to know everyone.
Miral
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Hi Miral, nice to see you hear, it is amazing what we can do when we try approaching something from a different angle ;) Good for you ;D
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How BBM affected me. Okay. Answering this is particularly hard for me, but it’s a good place to start. I got to say that I’m a lurker, mostly, and that I’ve read nearly everything you guys have written about this movie. It took time, but now I’m almost updated. Hell, I even think in terms of “FNIT”, “SNIT”, etc.
Why is it difficult, then? All right, well, maybe it has to do with the fact that this film is something that has become so personal for me - and for every one of you too, of course. I can say it did affect me. How? Fine, I’ll try.
I went to see BBM with a friend one night (I still keep the tickets in my wallet, even if the ink’s almost erased) and what I can say is that I didn’t come out the same. I went in all happy, cheery and talky and came out as if I had been repeatedly slugged against a wall and punched in the stomach while I watched someone dear to me dying slowly. My friend came out as she had come in (but that goes in another topic), but I had people staring at me on the way home. I’m sure my face was quite a sight. I was devastated on the outside and destroyed on the inside. But I did not cry, not the first time; I was “just” shocked. When the film ended and the credits began to roll I just sat there, muttering “it’s a tragedy, it’s a tragedy, it wasn’t their fault” like a crazy person. Of course, ‘He was a friend of mine’, just added the kiss of death to my state of mind. I felt both dead and extremely alive at the same time.
That night I couldn’t sleep, and when I finally could, I woke up a dozen times, mixing my dreams with certain scenes of the movie. It’s like I didn’t know what hit me, but it had hit me so hard. Of course, nobody understood me, not even the friend I went to see it with. No one was interested in this movie but me. No wonder I felt it like something mine, and no wonder many of you feel that too, even after finding this place, this forum. Most of us have had a period of “this movie is mine” since no one else could enter your state of mind.
I don’t know what it would’ve done to me if my life had any contextual similarities with those of Jack, Ennis or their families, but it doesn’t. First of all, I’m 23, and I’ve only gone out with girls since I was 19. Yes, I’ve suffered, but not like any of them. My mom won’t even talk to me about anything to do with my sexuality; she likes to pretend I don’t have one, and she must be blind to my bedroom walls, which have been plastered with singers and actresses since that determinant age. But I haven’t been seriously prejudiced by people on the street when they’ve seen me with someone, or by my friends. They know, they don’t care. Okay, so their supposed ages at the beginning of the movie and Alma Junior’s age at the end did kinda ring a bell, but what I mean is that nothing contextual related to me at first sight – not in age or background. I didn’t even feel attraction towards anyone in it (except a platonic one, of course).
I had to go deeper into the movie, then, as the movie did go deep into me. There is a certain “basicness” in the film that makes all of us understand – that made me understand. I hadn’t even seen the trailer, so I just sat down expecting to see something that could be “quite good”, that could win some Oscars. That was the movie-geek in me. But I must say that I go to watch movies like other people go to church, so when I find that movie, my world turns upside down in revelation, and it will always work for me, it's like a love at first sight that can be revisited.
That “basicness” got me, because I had lived it, the longing, the waiting, the insecurities and even the loss (although nothing as terrible as a death, of course). I didn’t expect the FNIT, but I understood it in its rawness, like many of their gestures and the reunion kiss. These guys were real, that they couldn’t be what they weren’t, that everything was just right. The morning after the FNIT was absolutely real to me. I totally adored Ennis’s hesitant attitude during the SNIT. That also was absolutely real. But the first scene that grabbed me and kneed me in the stomach was Ennis’s breakdown in the alley. That was the most real thing I’d ever seen (and it's a movie!). It was beautiful, it was terrible, it was authentic and I understood. That I had lived, the mixture between being sick and feeling like crying, but not actually doing none of those things.
I could go on, but why should I summarize the whole movie again for you, if you know it just like I do or better? Just wanted to express that I wasn’t the same person, not exactly. I cared so much for them, and the movie had ended. What could I do? For days I just dwelled there, sometimes in this part of the movie, sometimes in that part, but always inside it. And I still remain haunted by it. When all the depression started to wash off, I just felt like wanting to grasp life with my bare hands. My life. My time. The years that I got to do what I can with them. Don’t let things go. Don’t let things unsaid. Don’t keep yourself from feeling something. I try to do all those things.
And now I’ll apologize for the endless rambling, but it was good to write this.
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<snip>
I could go on, but why should I summarize the whole movie again for you, if you know it just like I do or better? Just wanted to express that I wasn't the same person, not exactly. I cared so much for them, and the movie had ended. What could I do? For days I just dwelled there, sometimes in this part of the movie, sometimes in that part, but always inside it. And I still remain haunted by it. When all the depression started to wash off, I just felt like wanting to grasp life with my bare hands. My life. My time. The years that I got to do what I can with them. Don’t let things go. Don’t let things unsaid. Don’t keep yourself from feeling something. I try to do all those things.
And now I’ll apologize for the endless rambling, but it was good to write this.
Oh wow girl.....thanks for spitting out your feelings....and don't ya dare apologize,God only knows how many times we all came in here and ranted on....whew!!
The quote in bold print says it all for me...shit,my life is so different now...hit me like a ton of bricks. And even after I said what I thought was going on in my head,I still had people in this Forum,good friends of mine,tell me like it is..rubbed my face in it..made me understand...and I am forever grateful...I no longer wish I had more..I only thank God for what I have...I try to NEVER leave things unsaid...even after I say them and run like hell because I think I'm dorking out or something....in PM's, e-mails or phone calls...whatever....I always say I love you ....the list goes on...
I stare out the window and look at the birds eating off the bird feeder I put out there the other day...saw that the darn squirrels were there too and then a cute little bunny hopped over....I smiled and that warm feeling over took me....just the simple things in life.The simple pleasures...that's what it's all about...
I want to thank you Myrine...for allowing us to share your thoughts,your feelings....I hear ya!
your friend,
Nellie
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How BBM affected me. Okay. Answering this is particularly hard for me, but it’s a good place to start. I got to say that I’m a lurker, mostly, and that I’ve read nearly everything you guys have written about this movie. It took time, but now I’m almost updated. Hell, I even think in terms of “FNIT”, “SNIT”, etc.
Why is it difficult, then? All right, well, maybe it has to do with the fact that this film is something that has become so personal for me - and for every one of you too, of course. I can say it did affect me. How? Fine, I’ll try.
I went to see BBM with a friend one night (I still keep the tickets in my wallet, even if the ink’s almost erased) and what I can say is that I didn’t come out the same. I went in all happy, cheery and talky and came out as if I had been repeatedly slugged against a wall and punched in the stomach while I watched someone dear to me dying slowly. My friend came out as she had come in (but that goes in another topic), but I had people staring at me on the way home. I’m sure my face was quite a sight. I was devastated on the outside and destroyed on the inside. But I did not cry, not the first time; I was “just” shocked. When the film ended and the credits began to roll I just sat there, muttering “it’s a tragedy, it’s a tragedy, it wasn’t their fault” like a crazy person. Of course, ‘He was a friend of mine’, just added the kiss of death to my state of mind. I felt both dead and extremely alive at the same time.
That night I couldn’t sleep, and when I finally could, I woke up a dozen times, mixing my dreams with certain scenes of the movie. It’s like I didn’t know what hit me, but it had hit me so hard. Of course, nobody understood me, not even the friend I went to see it with. No one was interested in this movie but me. No wonder I felt it like something mine, and no wonder many of you feel that too, even after finding this place, this forum. Most of us have had a period of “this movie is mine” since no one else could enter your state of mind.
I don’t know what it would’ve done to me if my life had any contextual similarities with those of Jack, Ennis or their families, but it doesn’t. First of all, I’m 23, and I’ve only gone out with girls since I was 19. Yes, I’ve suffered, but not like any of them. My mom won’t even talk to me about anything to do with my sexuality; she likes to pretend I don’t have one, and she must be blind to my bedroom walls, which have been plastered with singers and actresses since that determinant age. But I haven’t been seriously prejudiced by people on the street when they’ve seen me with someone, or by my friends. They know, they don’t care. Okay, so their supposed ages at the beginning of the movie and Alma Junior’s age at the end did kinda ring a bell, but what I mean is that nothing contextual related to me at first sight – not in age or background. I didn’t even feel attraction towards anyone in it (except a platonic one, of course).
I had to go deeper into the movie, then, as the movie did go deep into me. There is a certain “basicness” in the film that makes all of us understand – that made me understand. I hadn’t even seen the trailer, so I just sat down expecting to see something that could be “quite good”, that could win some Oscars. That was the movie-geek in me. But I must say that I go to watch movies like other people go to church, so when I find that movie, my world turns upside down in revelation, and it will always work for me, it's like a love at first sight that can be revisited.
That “basicness” got me, because I had lived it, the longing, the waiting, the insecurities and even the loss (although nothing as terrible as a death, of course). I didn’t expect the FNIT, but I understood it in its rawness, like many of their gestures and the reunion kiss. These guys were real, that they couldn’t be what they weren’t, that everything was just right. The morning after the FNIT was absolutely real to me. I totally adored Ennis’s hesitant attitude during the SNIT. That also was absolutely real. But the first scene that grabbed me and kneed me in the stomach was Ennis’s breakdown in the alley. That was the most real thing I’d ever seen (and it's a movie!). It was beautiful, it was terrible, it was authentic and I understood. That I had lived, the mixture between being sick and feeling like crying, but not actually doing none of those things.
I could go on, but why should I summarize the whole movie again for you, if you know it just like I do or better? Just wanted to express that I wasn’t the same person, not exactly. I cared so much for them, and the movie had ended. What could I do? For days I just dwelled there, sometimes in this part of the movie, sometimes in that part, but always inside it. And I still remain haunted by it. When all the depression started to wash off, I just felt like wanting to grasp life with my bare hands. My life. My time. The years that I got to do what I can with them. Don’t let things go. Don’t let things unsaid. Don’t keep yourself from feeling something. I try to do all those things.
And now I’ll apologize for the endless rambling, but it was good to write this.
No need to appologize for your rambling. It is great to see you come in here and have so many enlighting things to say to all of us!
What you said made complete sense. Most people here can relate to you 100% ESPECIALLY the effect the movie had on all of us after our first viewing.
Once again, welcome to the forum and I hope to see you posting more often!!
Take care
Power of Love
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Myrine, there is no reason to apologize for your post!
Thank you for taking time to write it, and share it all with us, and adding to our experiences!
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MiralParis7, thank you for your post as well, and adding to our experiences as well!
look forward to getting to know you, too!
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Myrine, thanks for sharing your impact story. Many common threads with so many of us. It's also nice to hear your perception of the tolerance in others. We are lucky to be living in 2007 and not 1963. Set good examples in your life (which it sounds like you are doing) and accept you for you and your mother will come around me thinks.
Brad
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Myrine....
Nellie, Brad, PowerofLove, have stated it beautifully already. Welcome, darling friend. What you say is important,and we are grateful. Thank you, honey, and WELCOME HOME.
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Myrine,
Please don't feel you're rambling - That was a beautiful, eloquent post.
Everyone arrived here one way or another because BBM is one of those once-in-a-lifetime films that force you to hold a mirror to yourself and finally realise that you have no option but to be authentic in your life.
In my case, I will have to move out of the family home but even in my darkest moments I know that once the dust settles my wife will always remain my best friend.
Andy
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Myrine,
what a moving, heartfelt post.
Welcome here and don't be afraid of "rambling" more often.
Your reactions to the movie are so similar to mine and to many others, I'm sure.
I didn't cry when I saw it the first time, I was mostly in shock. It took me a second, and third viewing, to let the full impact of the movie hit me hard and to move me like no other movie had done before.
Best wishes,
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Hi there. This is Miral Paris. I have a new address, though, cause I forgot my old one.
My story is that BBM put me in touch with the part of me that misses passion and romance. I had that when I was dating, but I have really missed it in my marriage. I love my hubby--he is truly my soulmate--because for various reasons he's not the passionate type; doesn't like kissing and not much interested in sex. I had talked before that now that we are 46 and 51, I felt that that passionate time of my life was gone. Well, maybe if he dies first I'll be a 70-year-old match.com person.
Anyway, things are looking up! I took the reins (ha) and acted very differently ... "
Hello Miral. My apologies for not having answered your questions to me on the original Affected thread.
There, you asked me this:
"First, to Johnny X: I can't believe we have so much in common. Both partners with skin diseases? You'll have to explain how I can send a private message so I can ask you more about that.
Confused: You spoke about a wife, then also a man partner who broke your heart. I can think of several scenarios under which that might happen, but I'l rather be filled in...."
My responses:
First: PMs: When you log on, a box at the top of the page says something like:
"Hello MiralParis7 you have xxx messages ..." The NUMBER of messages will be underlined. Just click on that hyperlink and it will take you to the PM facility. There you can read each one.
To reply, just hit "Quote" and put your comments AFTER the last quote box on the page.
You can edit the quote, just by going into it and deleting whatever you don't want to send.
(just don't delete the stuff within square brackets though, as they are the cues to the system for the quotes.)
You can also write WITHIN that quotation if you wish, but try to use a different colour, all capitals, etc. to differentiate your comments from the original.
Alternatively, instead of hitting "Quote", just hit "Reply", where you just start writing whatever you want; and none of the original message will be included. (unless you copy and paste it from the copy of it further down the page). HTH somewhat.
NEXT: on to ME. My apologies again, this time for the confusion which I caused by being too brief in my reply. My stories are in Affected, but I will try to give you here a brief synopsis of how BBM affected me.
I saw BBM, and came to this site, as a straight, long-married monogamous man, with a loving wife, and two adult children.
Several years ago I saw a psychologist after realising that I had fallen in love with a male work colleague. BUT I was emphatic that it was purely an emotional love, and NOT physical or sexual.
That psychologist suggested that I should do some reading about male sexuality; and suggested the studies of Masters and Johnson to start with. Well, I still haven't got to them, but have read a lot elsewhere on the topic. This enquiry process impelled me to see BBM. Like you and so many of our friends on here, I was blown away by it, and received the Kick in the Guts from it which many of us recognise. Most of all, I was outraged at the true INJUSTICES which that film portrayed, as suffered by males who love other males. BTW: Jack and Ennis are 3 years older than I am; so I can relate very well to their contexts in SO MANY ways.
After reading on this site for a long time, I finally raised the courage to join, and to post on Affected. In those pre-troll days on here, we could PM each other immediately upon joining, and I started PMs with a few fellow-travellers in here.
Within days, after spending up to 6 hours online together each night, I knew that I had fallen head-over-heels in love with another man on this list; who is also married -- but to another man. So THAT is why my original reply to you was so confusing.
He was very supportive and understanding and loving, in response to my emotional turmoil at so many things, including the fact that I still did (and still do) love my wife DEEPLY and wish to spend the rest of my life with her; AND at my heterosexual and homophobic realisation for the first time in my life that I wanted to have a physical relationship with this new wonderful man in my life. (He and I got into cyber-sex). The love that he and I developed, however, soon caused him emotional turmoil; and we had both decided previously that if either of our marriages became at risk because of our relationship, then it would have to end. Before long we had to end it: just over 11 months ago. I still CRAVE him; but at long last the pain has finally gone! Just the love and the craving and wishing and hoping etc remains. He refuses to reply to my messages. (I can understand that in the circumstances; but it still hurts me greatly). What has saved me has been the love of two very special other men on this list, who I treasure greatly, and have had the great pleasure of meeting in person. I am also being sustained by wonderful and regular communications with several other very special people from this list.
So, where am I now? By falling in love in this way, I have broken my wife's heart; and he has broken my heart. Two broken hearts! But my wife is wonderfully loving and supportive, and sticks by me through some very tough times for both of us.
And yet, I do not regret having seen BBM. I do not regret falling in love with that gorgeous man. I TREASURE my new-found loving friends, and hope that we might be very close friends for the rest of our lives. Their daily messages enrich my life. Every day is like Xmas Day when I receive their loving messages. I feel blessed in so many ways.
So dear Miral, there you have the nutshell version.
I am so thrilled to read in your most recent post that YOU have now managed to channel the emotional and psychological impact of BBM into the new-found relationship with your husband. Warmest wishes are sent to you, for a happy and successful continuation of that process.
Feel free to send me PMs when you are able, and ask whatever questions you wish to. I am happy to answer them to the best of my ability.
Bye for now: JohnnyX.
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Myrine, thanks for sharing your impact story. Many common threads with so many of us. It's also nice to hear your perception of the tolerance in others. We are lucky to be living in 2007 and not 1963. Set good examples in your life (which it sounds like you are doing) and accept you for you and your mother will come around me thinks.
Brad
I agree Brad!
By the way, love the pic!! ;)
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Just posting here so this thread comes to the top. The old Affected Me thread is still getting posts so things are getting a bit mixed up. Maybe it should be locked?
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Hi gang,
Just me... letting everyone know that I just watched our movie again. Thirty-five to forty times now, I think.
Worth reminding everyone that it's why we're all here, loving and supporting each other.
Hugs all, so glad we all found this place where we can share our selves with each other,
Rob
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It's a wonderful testimony to the power of our beloved story/movie that we see the kinda posts that this Forum has seen from day one and continue to see with new faces/names coming outa lurkdom or are new. Someone mentioned the time scale in getting over this movie but as I see it there aint no such thing. Time scales to the sifting and sorting of our emotions and frustrations etc sure, but this movie and it's effects will live with us all for as long as we are on this earth and to that I say hooray! We are all powerfully processed by the pain and persuasion of the fate of J&E with no small thanks to Jake and Heath and personally speaking, nothing bar nothing has affected me more than BBM and the joy of being part of this extended family whether it be cyber or in the flesh is almost indescribable. We have all been enriched, encouraged, comforted and turned upside down by the efforts of a smart lady called Annie Proulx, the fall out of which is way beyond anything Mount St Helens could deliver, and some.
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Andy...
Can I kiss you for that?
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Andy...
Can I kiss you for that?
I'll take a cyber one now and a real one on the 19th, ok? ;)
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Andy...
Can I kiss you for that?
I'll take a cyber one now and a real one on the 19th, ok? ;)
Sounds excellent to me!
Nick leaves here on the afternoon of the 18th, British Airways... a shame you're gonna miss each other...
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I'll have to leave a momento on the plane for him.....( spot the BBM logo) looks like he'll be going out on the one I come in on. Shame. :'(
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I'll have to leave a momento on the plane for him.....( spot the BBM logo) looks like he'll be going out on the one I come in on. Shame. :'(
Nick was thinking so too.
:(
Is a shame... :(
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It's a wonderful testimony to the power of our beloved story/movie that we see the kinda posts that this Forum has seen from day one and continue to see with new faces/names coming outa lurkdom or are new. Someone mentioned the time scale in getting over this movie but as I see it there aint no such thing. Time scales to the sifting and sorting of our emotions and frustrations etc sure, but this movie and it's effects will live with us all for as long as we are on this earth and to that I say hooray! We are all powerfully processed by the pain and persuasion of the fate of J&E with no small thanks to Jake and Heath and personally speaking, nothing bar nothing has affected me more than BBM and the joy of being part of this extended family whether it be cyber or in the flesh is almost indescribable. We have all been enriched, encouraged, comforted and turned upside down by the efforts of a smart lady called Annie Proulx, the fall out of which is way beyond anything Mount St Helens could deliver, and some.
Darling Andy, how right you are, my dear friend. Brokeback Mountain is part of me in a way no other thing, beyond my children and grandchildren, has ever been, and by extension, this Forum is part of me, as well. I have no idea how long this Forum will be here, but the friendships I have made here are as real and as true as anything in my life...for which I will always be grateful.
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Hi all:
I've been reading the last few posts this am..I wanted to say to the 23 year old (sorry--on the run and can't remember your name) that things get better.
I didn't have a happy childhood and desperately wanted someone to love me, anyone, and I found it. The hard part was letting it in. Like Ennis, I went kicking and screaming all the way. I think it took about 10 years of marriage before I actually believed my husband loved me. Really loved me. I had the tendency to put the worst view on everything. This is totally anonymous, so I can tell you I....well,....I don't want you to think bad of me....that when I felt I had lost his love from some tiny thing I once ended up in the hospiatl getting my stomach pumped from two many pills. They took me in a POLICE CAR to the county place where you had to give them your possessions to lock up, waiting to be "processed," ended up in another hospital. The one bright spot is that my father, who had abandoned me years ago, stuck by my side the whole time, riding to the hospital with the police car, waiting as I filled out the forms. I was black and blue from the IVs they rushed in and the charcoal they had to give me meant I was producing little charcoal briquetes in intensive care where they had a toiled in the middle of the room with just a curtan for privacy and her bed two feet away.
I don't know. For me, finding real love was easier, so much easier, than letting it in. But today, thanks to my wonderful psychiatrist, I feel whole, and my whole heart feels full from the grraditude that I made myself my own family. My mother was very verbally abusive ("You'll never have any friends!!! You're ruining the family!!") and my dad so abandoning (he once called me his extended relative) that it ook years. And I have no idea, absolutely, why I am writing this.
Yesterday my husband and I hugged with out beloved cat between us, who was purring and trying to burrow between us because he couldn't possibly get close enough to us, and we smiled and held each other and we have this joke that goes, "You're my faaaaaaaaaaaaaaamily unit) and I felt so happy..and I am now going on a camping trip with the family I made for myself, my best friend who is a sister to me and her family...and I feel a part of it. Like I belonged.
I think that is the ultimate. To feel like you belong.
BBM helped me get in touch with all these feelings.
I'll be thinking of you all on the camping trip. As well as Our Boys, of course. I hunger for the sky and the trees and the cliffs and the nature where I am going. There will be a campfire and there is something about staring into the flames and feeling the warmth that makes you feel so full and peace and in awe of life itself..and so close to the people around you without sayinga word--unless, of course, you break into "Kum by ya, my lord, kumbaya..." :)
Bye for now.
Miral
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You know, this molvie made the understand the first line in this poem for the first time.
somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
by E. E. Cummings
somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near
your slightest look will easily unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose
or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing
(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands
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What a beautioful poem!
It sure does have a lot of meaning behind it; considering it wasn't that long!
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Hi gang,
Just me... letting everyone know that I just watched our movie again. Thirty-five to forty times now, I think.
Worth reminding everyone that it's why we're all here, loving and supporting each other.
Hugs all, so glad we all found this place where we can share our selves with each other,
Rob
I must say, watching a movie as many times as you have is a great achievement in my book!
Thank you for that heart felt message to all of us here- I may not have been here as long as some people, but when
I read posts like that, I feel right at home! I am just so thankful knowing that I was not the only one affected greatly by this film.
Take care-
Power Of Love
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Alberta
Just pulllin out alone from Fort Macleod. Internet cafe is around the corner from the Reunion Apartment House. Yesterday about twenty of us Brokies came over here from Cowley where we stood around the site of Aguirre's trailor, peered into the little alley of Ennis' agony, and strolled the road that Jack looked back down upon Ennis at the end of that summer. Yes, a freight thundered by.
Was great seeing a few of our old pals and some new ones. Belgium, France, Korea, American Samoa...and some critters from The States.
In Fort Macleod we had lunch at the bus stop. Ennis' table has a plaque. That part of the movie is on a repeating TV screen. (One couple re-enacted Ennis' scene with Cassie quite well.) Climbed the stairs to the room where the divorce was granted in the court house. Had beers in the bar (at the Queen's Hotel) where Ennis met Cassie. Wandered back to the Re-Union Apartment. Lots of posing for picures. A lot of silent thoughts.
Group went back on up to Calgary last night. I am driving back west to the Coast. Like frames from the movie, Cowley and Fort Macleod's sites await your replaying. Come see them if you can.
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Alberta
Just pulllin out alone from Fort Macleod. Internet cafe is around the corner from the Reunion Apartment House. Yesterday about twenty of us Brokies came over here from Cowley where we stood around the site of Aguirre's trailor, peered into the little alley of Ennis' agony, and strolled the road that Jack looked back down upon Ennis at the end of that summer. Yes, a freight thundered by.
Was great seeing a few of our old pals and some new ones. Belgium, France, Korea, American Samoa...and some critters from The States.
In Fort Macleod we had lunch at the bus stop. Ennis' table has a plaque. That part of the movie is on a repeating TV screen. (One couple re-enacted Ennis' scene with Cassie quite well.) Climbed the stairs to the room where the divorce was granted in the court house. Had beers in the bar (at the Queen's Hotel) where Ennis met Cassie. Wandered back to the Re-Union Apartment. Lots of posing for picures. A lot of silent thoughts.
Group went back on up to Calgary last night. I am driving back west to the Coast. Like frames from the movie, Cowley and Fort Macleod's sites await your replaying. Come see them if you can.
Envious, again, like usual... I'd love to trace to footsteps of the men who helped encourage me to make such a huge leap in my life...
Perhaps one day I'll find my way there, it's not really that far from Puyallup...
Thanks for sharing!
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wow, they'll have to attach information plates for brokie tourists soon... :D
good to hear you get so much comfort out of the travelling and meeting fellow brokies is always a pleasure !
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About doubled over with grief myself drivin' by the apartment house on the way out of town. Could have used an alley...
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About doubled over with grief myself drivin' by the apartment house on the way out of town. Could have used an alley...
I'm thinking that might be a valid reaction to the place.
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About doubled over with grief myself drivin' by the apartment house on the way out of town. Could have used an alley...
Oh, Larry, honey. Wish I'd been there to hold you. :-*
What powerful emotions these places still engender, for they witnessed, no, were an intrinsic part of, the creation of our masterpiece. Thank you for allowing us to briefly join you and the others.
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About doubled over with grief myself drivin' by the apartment house on the way out of town. Could have used an alley...
Oh, Larry, honey. Wish I'd been there to hold you. :-*
What powerful emotions these places still engender, for they witnessed, no, were an intrinsic part of, the creation of our masterpiece. Thank you for allowing us to briefly join you and the others.
Found calmer waters... stopped again in Cowley on way into the Rockies. Sunny but not-yet-hot morning. Drove slowly out, lookin' back for Ennis through the mirror. Tell you what, all I could see were the lovely folk I've met on two internet forums...
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Yesterday i saw that my 10.000 th post was nearly there and i didn`t know yet if i wanted to do something special with that post. I could have just posted a picture, cause thats lately the thread i post the most, but maybe its good to share a bit more from my life these past months.
cause life has been a bitch these last months, mostly caused by my upper neighbours,who moved in in january with two kids and make my life a living hell,making noise, kids running around,screaming,banging on the floor and such.this is an old house with wooden floors and hardly no isolation.talking to them didn`t help, escp she is very agressive in words and she treatenend me and the dogs.
It costed me so much energy to fight all this on daily basis that mentally i almost broke down and due to that ofcourse my body reacted badly.
i lost touch with everything,and above all with myself. if this was life i just had enough of it.i live alone now for about 10 years and last year opened up a bit, but now am shut down completely again,walls are back up,sigh....
Once again my dogs are my life savers, cause i have to keep on going for them!
Then a dear friend said to me in an email; con you cant just give up,cause then jack died for no reason and BBM had thought me otherwise! I knew i was back in that trailer right where i was when i joined this forum after seeing bbm. i still am an ennis and will always be kinda i think, but i need to pull myself up again.
I`m so tired of fighting. last week i said to my hypnotherapist, why do i always have to go so low again,deep down in that well and then crawl up again? He didn`t have an answer for me and i dont know either,yet. But these last sessions we did clean up some more old pain and abuse and misery,in fact during all these sessions we`ve gone trough my whole life and healed it all. I need one more session to give me back fate and belief and strengt,but last time i more needed a healing to take all the stress and negativity away from me. so working on that.
I`ve felt so lonely these last months and oh yes there were people and friends to talk to,who emailed daily cause they were worried about me, but they couldn`t reach within me.
But now finally the sun is peeking in again. my fighting wasn`t for nothing,cause last week the landlord called me and they are gonna give me an other home. dont know when or where or what kind of, but that doens`t matter. I know i`m gonna leave here in time now(could take two weeks or two months,depend on when i suitable house comes free)
so i have to pack up the 15 years i lived here and move all that. And i think thats good, to throw away a lot of garbage and start totally over again!
i`ve done that lots if times before, but i know this time its crusial and i hope i then get my energy back and maybe some my health.
All this time i got one thing to look forward too and that was my trip to brad and steve. i finally am gonna see their paradise and feel that magical energy and ofcourse meet up with brad again and meet steve and yess Rob is coming over too! :)
i know it will be a once in a lifetime experience, just like it was one year ago when i traveled to the states for the first time for the BBM BBQ. that time and place and the people i met there meant the world to me!
along the way i lost the feelings i got there and what i learned there, but they are still hidden in me,so they will come out again!
So thank all for still being here and that i can and may be a part of all of you!
love ya :-*
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conny, i wish you lots of all this positive energy of change - with an exciting new life ! :)
-
... life has been a bitch these last months,
... So thank all for still being here and that i can and may be a part of all of you!
love ya :-*
Hello Dear Conny.
Thank you for once again sharing your hurt and hopes here with us.
I am so sorry to hear that things have not been picking up for you.
However, my hope is that from now onwards, things will start to improve for you.
Conny, don't forget with all of that "therapy" that an important aspect is that you only want what almost every other one of us wants; and that is to have your own special person to love and to be loved by. May your own special cowgirl come riding by very soon.
It is good that you will soon be amongst some of your Texas BBQ friends; I hope that they might be able to provide enough love and hugs to keep you going until that cowgirl appears!
How bad that after 15 years in your home, the arrival of a new family should interrupt the serenity, and that you should be the one to move out. But as you seem to infer, perhaps it will herald a new start in a new location -- and who knows?: maybe that cowgirl might be nearby there! Hope so, for you.
Conny, as I wrote here the other day, in my own healing process, the HURT and PAIN of the heartbreak has finally disappeared. Therefore, I HOPE that yours might also disappear within the next few months.
Best wishes Conny; thanks for sharing with us; and Bon Voyage for your forthcoming trip.
JohnnyX.
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I've been reading all your great posts, and all I can say, that it still amaze me , how a "movie" did change lives of so many people, but it's not just a movie, it's a masterpiece, and as A.L. said "love is a force of nature" and we love the movie,the story behind it and all about it and around it as well, it make you understand more deeply, your feeling towards your love ones, made you care more and in the bigger point of view ,to understand your friends and all around us better.
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Conny,
Congratulations on your 10,000th post!
I remember shortly after the BBQ at Auntie Linda's in Texas last August you wrote in one of these threads that your walls had been torn down, and that you buried them in Linda's garden. Next to those walls of yours are the remains of my closeted self, "Bob".
I'm thinking once buried, these things, (my "Bob" and your walls) can't be reclaimed, they are long ago converted to dust, food for critters we'd rather not think about.
I"m also thinking that the "walls" you are experiecing now are temporary barriers protecting you from external influences that you'd rather not face. (And who would?) We all build them around ourselves at times. They are, as I'm thinking, temporary and soon you'll find the motivation to set them aside and get back to living the life meant for you once again. Don't lose hope, babe, because there are many of us here pushing you along towards better things.
The pain we feel now is but a hinderance. Soon it will be accepted, eventually forgotten, and all will be fine.
I'll be seeing you in about 23 days... I look very forward to getting to hug you once again!
Lots of love, sweetheart, a shoulder when you need it, and hand to help you to your feet,
Hugs,
Rob
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conny, i wish you lots of all this positive energy of change - with an exciting new life ! :)
thanks sweets :)
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Hello Dear Conny.
Thank you for once again sharing your hurt and hopes here with us.
I am so sorry to hear that things have not been picking up for you.
However, my hope is that from now onwards, things will start to improve for you.
Conny, don't forget with all of that "therapy" that an important aspect is that you only want what almost every other one of us wants; and that is to have your own special person to love and to be loved by. May your own special cowgirl come riding by very soon.
It is good that you will soon be amongst some of your Texas BBQ friends; I hope that they might be able to provide enough love and hugs to keep you going until that cowgirl appears!
How bad that after 15 years in your home, the arrival of a new family should interrupt the serenity, and that you should be the one to move out. But as you seem to infer, perhaps it will herald a new start in a new location -- and who knows?: maybe that cowgirl might be nearby there! Hope so, for you.
Conny, as I wrote here the other day, in my own healing process, the HURT and PAIN of the heartbreak has finally disappeared. Therefore, I HOPE that yours might also disappear within the next few months.
Best wishes Conny; thanks for sharing with us; and Bon Voyage for your forthcoming trip.
JohnnyX.
thanks for this johnny
i`m so happy for you that your hurt and pain is gone!!
and your right i too would love to meet that one special person, so who knows maybe after moving that will come closer too.
i just take it one day at a time and we`ll see what life is gonna bring me ;)
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Conny,
Congratulations on your 10,000th post!
I remember shortly after the BBQ at Auntie Linda's in Texas last August you wrote in one of these threads that your walls had been torn down, and that you buried them in Linda's garden. Next to those walls of yours are the remains of my closeted self, "Bob".
I'm thinking once buried, these things, (my "Bob" and your walls) can't be reclaimed, they are long ago converted to dust, food for critters we'd rather not think about.
I"m also thinking that the "walls" you are experiecing now are temporary barriers protecting you from external influences that you'd rather not face. (And who would?) We all build them around ourselves at times. They are, as I'm thinking, temporary and soon you'll find the motivation to set them aside and get back to living the life meant for you once again. Don't lose hope, babe, because there are many of us here pushing you along towards better things.
The pain we feel now is but a hinderance. Soon it will be accepted, eventually forgotten, and all will be fine.
I'll be seeing you in about 23 days... I look very forward to getting to hug you once again!
Lots of love, sweetheart, a shoulder when you need it, and hand to help you to your feet,
Hugs,
Rob
think and hope your right rob,that this are temporary walls and that the real ones are still burried.
23 days, i will start counting from off today.hadn`t done that yet.now its gonna feel more real!!
i`l be looking forward to those hugs,its been a year since i had a decent hug ;)
most dutchies just can`t hug ;)
thanks :-*
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Marc can! :D
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i`l be looking forward to those hugs,its been a year since i had a decent hug ;)
most dutchies just can`t hug ;)
thanks :-*
Time ya taught em!!!
:-* :-* :-*
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<snip>
But now finally the sun is peeking in again. my fighting wasn`t for nothing
All this time i got one thing to look forward too and that was my trip to brad and steve. i finally am gonna see their paradise and feel that magical energy and ofcourse meet up with brad again and meet steve and yess Rob is coming over too! :)
i know it will be a once in a lifetime experience, just like it was one year ago when i traveled to the states for the first time for the BBM BBQ. that time and place and the people i met there meant the world to me!
along the way i lost the feelings i got there and what i learned there, but they are still hidden in me,so they will come out again!
So thank all for still being here and that i can and may be a part of all of you!
love ya :-*
Oh Conny hon,
My heart goes out to you......I have such great memories of you...hanging out on those back steps at Linda's in Texas..driving with Sal and Fritzie to the Alamo and shopping there. Meeting up with Brad and Terry later coming back....such wonderful times.
Those walls are gone for good...it's okay to feel down once in awhile,but now you know how to keep those walls down for good....keep that sledge hammer near you girl
You're such an amazing person..the energy I felt from you,you are definately a strong woman and there's nothing in this world that will bring you down..maybe for a day or two...but girlfriend...look straight ahead..see the good out there,you will make it!! I swear!!
Please don't feel down for too long....cry a little,hit a pillow maybe...but your days are going to change...moving into this new apartment is a good start...just you wait and see..... :)
I'm here for you sweetheart....please PM me anytime,you know that....send me a post card...anything.
I love you hon
friends always,
Nellie xo
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Conny, darling, I am late with this comment, but I agree with everyone as to what a fine woman you are, stronger than you may believe at the moment. I tend to agree with Rob, that these "walls" are a temporary refuge from the problems you are dealing with now, and they will fall as you are able to rise. And you will, sweet sister, because you have us to help you, and we will. You are very much loved, Conny. I hope you know that. It is hard to believe, sometimes, I am sure, as you are so far, physically, from most of us, but...go to Brad and Steve's...feel the loving strength of those two fine men, let their home fill you with the peace and love that is there. I hope that it will help to revive your spirits, a little, dear one. And know, really KNOW that all of us are here for you. (((((((((((Conny))))))))))))))
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oh wow you two made me cry nell and jackie love you a lot and miss you badly
and yes we share such great memories.
and that makes it harder some times,to be so far away from everybody.
its been six months now,all this negativity and i slowly slided down that hill, but luckily there always is some fighting spirit left in me and i`m gonna fight my way back again.
i need to for my dogs and for me!
thanks :-*
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You keep fighting, Nellie!
and don't forget, London in 2008!
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Conny, hang in their baby. We're gonna' BBQ up a storm, spend hot summer days by the pool, and take ya' places ya' can't imagine exist. Heck, Steve loves ta' dance (I can't and don't usually) so he'll have someone ta' spin and twirl :) Yeah, and our Rob is gonna run ya' around two.
Can't wait ta' see your gorgeous, smilin' face. :-*
Brad
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Heck, Steve loves ta' dance (I can't and don't usually) so he'll have someone ta' spin and twirl :) Yeah, and our Rob is gonna run ya' around two.
Can't wait ta' see your gorgeous, smilin' face. :-*
Brad
you're full of shit...bwahahah....you were dancin' just fine with Conny,Sal and I at the dance floor in Texas that one night..aw hell,maybe it was the beer booze....but you and Terry were pros out there...right Conny?!? ;)
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Conny, hang in their baby. We're gonna' BBQ up a storm, spend hot summer days by the pool, and take ya' places ya' can't imagine exist. Heck, Steve loves ta' dance (I can't and don't usually) so he'll have someone ta' spin and twirl :) Yeah, and our Rob is gonna run ya' around two.
Can't wait ta' see your gorgeous, smilin' face. :-*
Brad
ah gosh your such a sweetie!! haha you do know how to dance,got proof of that ;)
can`t wait to be there with you guys!! wheater is bad here,and all my tan is vanishining with the wind and rain,so that pool sounds terrific :)
see ya soon :-*
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you're full of shit...bwahahah....you were dancin' just fine with Conny,Sal and I at the dance floor in Texas that one night..aw hell,maybe it was the beer booze....but you and Terry were pros out there...right Conny?!? ;)
too bad i cant upload it but they were good 8)
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too bad i cant upload it but they were good 8)
DAMN!!! ;D
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I feel silly posting right now...don't know why. It's almost like my personal journal or something..so weird.
Today for the first time in months,I feel something in me that has been dormant for awhile.That Brokeback feeling,feeling of missing my friends in here,needing to see the faces I met in on this Forum,wanting to hear their voices,wanting to see the movie again. Don't know what caused all this emotion.Well, I do have a slight idea,but will keep that private at the moment.
The ups and downs in life are normal,life is great of course. My life has made some turns,although not really major in my eyes,they're changes none the less, and I'm glad. I often wonder how many more lives are changing right now because of this movie,because of this Forum. How many more will this affect in the future? I can't help myself when I hear from someone in here,whether it's an e-mail or a PM,maybe a phone call and not feel an emotion of some sort. Why doesn't this feeling occur with my other friends from home? Only with you guys. When I read in a thread that one of you are hurting or are going thru some hardship of some sort,it keeps me thinking of it all day long...maybe days...why? Why this connection,this feeling of reaching out to you?...I want someone to study us and figure out why...lol...any sociologist out there?
I look at the picture threads and see what you see thru your eyes,I just love it. I guess I'm a bit emotional today,a bit sappy...and just wanted to thank all of you again for being in here and for listening to this crazy Rican...
Nellie
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Conny, don't fall for the lie we sometimes tell ourselves, that when we fall back, then it's all for naught and it's not possible to continue. that, my friend, is the falsehood that robs us. you're doing great and I have no doubt you're still on the road you discovered, the road that made you happy. You're great.
terry
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True words to live by, Terry. Thank you.
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Conny, don't fall for the lie we sometimes tell ourselves, that when we fall back, then it's all for naught and it's not possible to continue. that, my friend, is the falsehood that robs us. you're doing great and I have no doubt you're still on the road you discovered, the road that made you happy. You're great.
terry
thanks sweets,needed that! :-*
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I feel silly posting right now...don't know why. It's almost like my personal journal or something..so weird.
I look at the picture threads and see what you see thru your eyes,I just love it. I guess I'm a bit emotional today,a bit sappy...and just wanted to thank all of you again for being in here and for listening to this crazy Rican...
Nellie
nell it aint silly,i`m glad you did! youre always here for everybody for some wise and friendly words.
i understand being emotionaly too for some time now and i`1ve got one or two people in my life who understand and they are not that far away in distance,but yet they are not here either, so satill have to deal with it alone.or and that matters a lot with you guys here, even though all of you are so far away one way or another we do connect!!
just put on U2 today nell when the streets have no name,and i will do too this evening and will dance here on my own and will pretend that you and sal are with me :) ;)
take care sweets. or even better hop on a plane some where around the week of the 18th and visit me at brad and steve`s place ;)
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<snip>
just put on U2 today nell when the streets have no name,and i will do too this evening and will dance here on my own and will pretend that you and sal are with me :) ;)
take care sweets. or even better hop on a plane some where around the week of the 18th and visit me at brad and steve`s place ;)
OMG!! I'd love to jump in Brad and Steve's Koi pond...bwahahha....(just kidding) don't want to kill his fish...lol
Thank you Conny,did I tell you that now every time I hear U2 I think of us....so great. Also,by watching all the video tapes I have of us in Texas,looking at the pictures,letting out a good cry...whatever it takes. It worked.
My dear hermana, Jackie, called me yesterday. I haven't chatted with her in awhile. I didn't want to hang up,just needed to hear her voice. She surely came to the rescue for me and for that I am forever grateful...just the simple things in life as hearing a familiar voice from this Forum was reassuring. And that's what I' mean about this wonderful place...I can always count on you guys.
Just yesterday I was suppose to go to a wake,again...so tired of them but what are you going to do?....even though I had never met this woman that had died,she was the wife of a very nice guy from work. He always was around to help me out and assisted me in my projects w/o any fuss. Never saying no to me and always greeted me with a big smile.Even when I screwed up his receiving room and rearranged all his stuff,he just took a big deep breath and smiled,saying..."that's okay,I'll fix it"...his wife was 40 yrs old,had a heart condition. I felt so badly for him but I couldn't get myself to go. I was afraid to cry. Did enough of that at my aunt's funeral a couple of weeks ago.
So there was my wonderful amiga,Jackie,telling me it was okay that I didn't go. Her comforting voice,he sisterly scolding of not killing myself over things like that.....Jesus,I love that woman!
As I was cooking dinner we talked and talked...chatted about everything....I just love when we call each other bro's and sis'....feels so true though,feels so good....and yeah,I have a big mouth...I say it like it is...what's in my heart I have to tell the world how lucky I am to have you guys...because if it was me in that casket,I would want you guys to remember me and know how much you guys really mean to me. We can never be too busy for a phone call or a nice long e-mail....I would never forgive myself if something had happened to them and they never knew how truely special they were to me...I think maybe that's why I was so emotional yesterday,because I was thinking of the what if's...I know,that's stupid...... okay...'nuff of this sappy shit
Conny,you're so lucky to have a chance to visit our bro's...to see Brad's beautiful house and swim in his pool...you had better take a picture of his Koi pond and send me a copy...I know your beautiful pictures will turn out just great,and I can't wait to put myself in your shoes and see thru your eyes as I see them.And of course ,give them the biggest hug (after yours of course) from me...okay?
I'm telling you,this movie really sculpted a new person out of me...I never take anything for granted anymore...such simple things in life mean the world to me...I don't care how silly I sound or how dramatic....lol.....
Conny,I'll be thinking of you on the 18th...
Love ya,
your sis
Nellie
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Conny,you're so lucky to have a chance to visit our bro's...to see Brad's beautiful house and swim in his pool...you had better take a picture of his Koi pond and send me a copy...I know your beautiful pictures will turn out just great,and I can't wait to put myself in your shoes and see thru your eyes as I see them.And of course ,give them the biggest hug (after yours of course) from me...okay?
I'm telling you,this movie really sculpted a new person out of me...I never take anything for granted anymore...such simple things in life mean the world to me...I don't care how silly I sound or how dramatic....lol.....
Conny,I'll be thinking of you on the 18th...
Love ya,
your sis
Nellie
oh hon i for sure will hug them from you and will take loooooooooooooooots of pictures ;)
i`m so glad for you jackie called you at the right time
so did i today receive a beautiful card from linda.
thank you darlrng,its standing on my table,those dolphins make me smile!!!
its the little things that counts
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Hello everyone. It's been a very long time since I posted here. I'm not sure there is anyone around who would remember me. I posted a lot after the movie-I was obsessed really. I saw the movie in secret-read the book and couldn't live without this site. I tried to insist the movie was not about being gay-but about an unlived life. Why else would it have affected me so? I am even in the book Beyong Brokeback. It's a quote about something my son and I talked about.
So fast forward to now. My life is in turmoil. I recently fell in love with another woman. And it brought back so many feelings from my past. The first person I ever really fell in love with was a woman. The experience was life defining. We never had a physical relationship-but we both loved each other. I went on to have two more intimate relationships with women. I never fully let myself be in those relationships because I was afraid of the consequences. But I do know that what I did let myself experience was overwhelming powerful and comforting.
I went on to do what I thought I had to do-marry and have children. I never saw anyone in my life growing up who lived any differently and still had a family. I really wanted a family. I married a nice guy and we've had a good life. But over the years I became more and more dissatisfied and started fantasizing about women in order to be intimate with my dh. I would sometimes feel the urge to have someone spoon me who had breasts. While I could somewhat enjoy sex with my dh, I never wanted to "intimate" with him. Sex was more about the release and not about being close. I never wanted him to hold me.
So, here I am in love with this woman. She's not emotionally available to me, so there hasn't been a relationship beyond intense flirting and friendship. But I knew in the instant who I felt about her that I could no longer sleep with my dh. I didn't want it anymore and realized I never really did want it. That was a few months ago. I finally told him about my past and I told him how I was feeling now, but never about the woman-because there's no relationship there. He's devestated of course.
My feeling on this has always been that I wanted to give myself to find the kind of intimacy I knew I could have with a woman. But I'm feeling so awful about what it's doing to my family. I still don't if I'll ever forgive myself enough to enjoy life again. I've never cried so much or been in a darker place. The pain is unreal.
I felt it was time to come back and reconnect with all of the people here. I know many of the people I knew are gone and new ones have come. I hope maybe I can find a community of people who can help me on my journey. I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore.
Thanks for reading and any insight you may have
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Wow girl,I didn't want to be the first one to answer to your post because I'm not experienced in this,but felt the need to reach out to you.
First of all,I just wanted to tell you that your "end of the world feeling" is just temporary for now. Please don't feel like there's no way out and that everyone will hate you forever. There's so many feelings and emotion right now between your husband and yourself,you just have to stay strong and ride with the waves. Do your children know everything?
Second of all,because you made this decision to try to live your life and be happy and telling your husband the honest truth,that in itself is a HUGH first step,one that always comes with mixed emotion and hurt feelings.Doesn't mean that it's going to stay that way. No matter how awful and guilty you feel ,being truthful to YOURSELF is what you had to do and for that I'm very proud of you.
You will connect with people in here,don't worry about that. Just hang in there and take it one day at a time....we're here for you,okay?
Nellie
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Amymm, I cannot say that I identify with your situation except in one way: I know the high emotional turmoil of change while trying to find your way. You must find someone who can help you see the situation objectively, something you cannot do in your own life. (Believe me, I know.)
I would suggest that you DO NOT make life-changing decisions in the heat of emotion. Clearly you are changing your life in order to align with what is in your heart. You are seeing the pain it can cause others, so go slowly; for your family and yourself. It is very hard to slow down when you know change is inevitable. Try to visualize the outcome of each of your options so that you go forward with your eyes open, knowing what lies ahead (for the most part). It won't be easy, but you will be able to anticipate the end of the pain if you know where you're headed. I think adding a new relationship at this point may make things more difficult. Can you maintain your friendship with the woman without going further for now?
I want to point out that I have no background in counseling and your best bet is to find someone who knows how to guide you in your self-discovery of your orientation. You can Google "lesbian counseling" with your city name and find those who specialize. I wish you and your family a peaceful resolution.
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Hi McNell and Neatfreak. I really appreciate your responses. I know that things in my life will change. They already have and there's no going back. I know that it is also temporary. My kids don't know everything, just that we are separating. I'm trying so hard to remember that I need to be true to myself in order for everyone in my life to benefit.
I am trying to stay centered when I make the big decisions. I have been in therapy for a few months and she has really helped me make the moves under great consideration and with as little destruction as possible. I do not have a physical relationship with this woman and am I so relieved that we do not. We are friends and I try and care for her from afar and put as much energy into myself as possible.
I have also recently told a friend who has a friend who went through exactly what I am experiencing. She is going to hook me up with her soon. It will be good to talk with someone who will understand.
I really felt the need to come back here, as I really feel the impact of this movie was the first real catalyst for this change in my life. I loved coming here awhile back and look forward to connecting with all of you again.
Thanks again.
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amymm, i just quickly wanted to express my sympathies and encourage you in the big step you're taking. isn't it strange, the kind of surprises life sometimes has for us ? being in the middle of similar realizations that seem to change my life completely, i can only stand back and shake my head in awe what seemingly small things (like a movie, for example ;)) can do...
it might be difficult at times, but then, isn't it also amazing that when we start as young children, we can never know where our life will lead us ?
well, i wish you all the best and much luck with the changes in your life - and much happiness for your future ! :)
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I'm trying so hard to remember that I need to be true to myself in order for everyone in my life to benefit.
Hi Amymm,
I understand your struggle - I'm still in the process of 'coming out' to myself before even trying to imagine what my future holds for me..
In my case, my wife has recently told me she wants to end our marriage, having been aware of my gay feelings for some time. There's nobody on the horizon and (contrary to my wife's initial suspicions) I've not had any sexual experience with another male since messing about a couple of times with a friend when I was 14 :-[
The worst, most gut-wrenching time was seeing both my children in tears when we told them I would be moving out, and the reason why. All the questions I couldn't answer because a situation I imagined happening 'eventually' was right here-right now. Being 'true to myself' felt like such selfishness.
My children have slowly accepted what's happening, and although I still feel deep guilt, my wife said something to me two days ago that gave me peace of mind for the first time: "This is a rebirth for you, a second chance. As long as you put your children's well-being first, I hope you find what you're looking for"
I realised I'd been like a bear with a sore head with my family for years - all the energy it took burying my feelings can now be used becoming a better, happier, more authentic person to everyone in my life.
Strange times for both of us, but it does get better - I wish you well
Andy
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Andy,
I'm so thrilled to read what your wife said. Good for her! She is the Alma here, not deserving the pain inflicted by the fact that you MUST BE WHO YOU ARE! It seems that she understands that you are doing the only right thing for you. Bless her...and you, for going ahead with this necessary thing. I know it is hard for your kids, but...they will come to understand how much happier, how much more REAL you are with the truth out in the open. That is NOT selfishness, that is finally doing the right thing....not just for you, but for them, as well.
"all the energy it took burying my feelings can now be used becoming a better, happier, more authentic person to everyone in my life."
Honest, and true, friend.
Hugs and love,
Jackie
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Dear AWWT and Amymm,
I wish you both all the strength that you need now in this phase of your life. I agree with Jackie, Desertrat and Netfreak and Nellie that this is a temporarily thing, that will come to a solution that will be better for all involved. Think of the message of BBM: not being (able to be) true to yourself (or be your true self?) does not only harm yourself, but all others in your life. In my opinion because you withhold love, friendship. compassion etc. for them because you cannot give that because you indeed need the energy for covering up all the time.
Thankgod, I was able to come out to myself and subsequently to others early in life (I was 21 when finally (it felt like that) admitted to myself that this would be the way that life was to be lived: as a gay man). I had not made commitments yet in life (except my broken first love...), and relatively few others were involved. The pain and sorrow, however, were strong and it took me years to adjust and I think that BBM finished the job of finding out who I am and what is important in life. I too had to hit bottom first, before I could come out of this process as myself. Which is not easy for someone who has been living his life until then in the role of a heterosexual boy (which encompasses much more that sex, although the word suggests so). I think that it is quite traumatizing to have to play a role constantly and that this makes it so hard to find out who you are and what you stand for.
Although it is devastating for your ex-partners now, I am sure that in the end they will benefit too from this situation. They too are entitled to find true affectionate love from a partner with whom the can connect on all levels (something that you were not able to give). But give them time, they have lived without knowing for sure with your 'lie' all that time. Think of how long it took you to admit to yourself that it is a lie. They need that time too. Here in the Netherlands, there are self-help groups for couples and ex-partners who struggle with the homosexuality of one of them. Maybe it is an idea for your partners to connect with people with the same problem.
Strength for ou and your families, Art
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Andy
There's lot to be said about "authenticity" and becoming a man you are. The definitions, validity or nature of the process differ. But one thing is sure: it is about honesty and integrity. And you have both.
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Amymm and AWT, thank you for taking the time to post your experiences here.
I remember the strange times like they were yesterday, and they were just over 10 years ago.
I congratulate you both, for finding the courage to no longer live the lives you knew were not working for you, and to do what you need to give yourselves happy lives.
Please continue to come here, you will have our support!
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I'm trying so hard to remember that I need to be true to myself in order for everyone in my life to benefit.
Hi Amymm,
I understand your struggle - I'm still in the process of 'coming out' to myself before even trying to imagine what my future holds for me..
In my case, my wife has recently told me she wants to end our marriage, having been aware of my gay feelings for some time. There's nobody on the horizon and (contrary to my wife's initial suspicions) I've not had any sexual experience with another male since messing about a couple of times with a friend when I was 14 :-[
The worst, most gut-wrenching time was seeing both my children in tears when we told them I would be moving out, and the reason why. All the questions I couldn't answer because a situation I imagined happening 'eventually' was right here-right now. Being 'true to myself' felt like such selfishness. ...
Dear Andy/AWT and Amymm.
Thank you to each of you for your heart-wrenching posts.
Sadly, I have no words of wisdom to offer either of you; but it is comforting to read the wise words written to each of you by others on here.
In the absence of any wise words from me, all that I can do is to send you heartfelt GOOD WISHES for as smooth a transition into your new lives, as you can possibly have.
I have the greatest respect for each of you, for your honesty with your partners and family over this matter. That was also the only way that I could approach my own situation, despite constant advice from others to keep it to myself.
It is heart-warming, however, to read how your respective partners are now supporting you in your separate transitions. They each sound like wonderful people themselves -- which is probably why they are YOUR partners: like attracts like!
Andy, I know from your earlier post, that in your case this has been in the pipeline for at least 6 years (I think you said it was) since your discussion with your wife about the situation; and it is good that your interpersonal relationship in the intervening years has not suffered as a consequence.
For both of you Andy and Amymm, I hope that you will each be able to continue into the future, the way that you are proceeding at the moment, with the goodwill, love, and support of your partners and families.
Strength to your arms -- and to whatever other parts of your bodies might need it. ROFL.
Please return here as often as you feel the need, to share your ongoing stories with us; or whenever you need a shoulder to cry upon; seek support; etc.
For myself, the man who I love from in here once said that I have an "insatiable curiousity", so that curiousity will always want to know how your lives are panning out. LOL.
All the very best on your new pathway, may you find happiness and love along the route.
JohnnyX.
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I caught up with this thread at the public library a few hours ago, then cycled back to my parents' house with the iPod switched to random. This song by Bruce Cockburn was the very first one. This is for amymm, AWT, and many others whose stories I've read here:
Fascist architecture of my own design
Too long been keeping my love confined
It tore me out of myself alive
Those fingers drawing out blood like sweat
While the magnificent facades crumble and burn
The billion facets of brilliant love
The billion facets of freedom turning in the light
Bloody nose and burning eyes
Raised in laughter to the skies
I've been in trouble but I'm OK
Been through the wringer but I'm OK
Walls are falling but I'm OK
Under the mercy and I'm OK
Gonna tell my [ ], gonna tell my [ ] (choose your person)
There isn't anything in the world
That can lock up my love again
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To all who have replied-thank you so much. I'm sitting here in tears at the affection and warm wishes of total strangers. I can't even begin to tell you the turmoil in my life-and yet the potential excitement of becoming the person I want to be. I wish I could picture my future more-but who of us can.
Andy-I loved what you said about being a bear with a sore head for so many years. That's so me. Every morning I would wake up and tell myself I would not lose my temper today-I would be grateful for my family, etc. And there was this constant irritation under my skin-I just couldn't put a name on it. I plugged along-raising kids and keeping my head down. BBM was one of the first realy triggers for me. I think if it had been two women-I would have been further along in this process. I kept telling myself it couldn't be about me!
Now I'm living in an apartment at night and parenting during the day. Going to the gym to see this woman who turned my world upside down (she's a fitnees instructor and friend). Seeing her just reminds me I could feel that way again. For now, just admiring her at a safe distance is all I can handle. I hope someday there is a woman who can share my life and kids with me. It seems so unrealistic at this point, but it's what I want.
Thanks again so much and I'll continue to come back and connect with you all
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Today is our 1st year Anniversary for most of us who attended the Texas BBQ. I can't put into words no matter how hard I try of how that weekend meant to me. To most of us. Yes it still makes me sad when I think of the fond memories,the laughs,and all the serious talks we had with one another. All the pictures we took,the hugs and the kisses we gave. Damn, it was friggin hot too,but no one cared that we were sweaty,we hugged anyway.There was no such thing as wearing makeup that weekend. No one cared. Perfect strangers,glaring into each others eyes,smiling at one another. Crying and sharing personal stories together. Who would of thought that because of this wonderful movie,all this would happen? Because of all this,we would continue to have get together's all over the country? People meeting and dating,sharing phone numbers,addresses...wow!
I try to remember what it was like before Brokeback Mountain..before Jack and Ennis touched our hearts. What was I doing? How happy I really was,or thought I was.
I still remember the look on my sister's face when I told her I was flying to Texas to meet about 80 strangers.She was floored. Me,of all people,someone who was always afraid to be alone. All the shit I've been thru in my life,not trusting anyone,and here I was taking my first trip alone. She asked me if I was fucken crazy...hahahaha...."yes",I said...I told her I had finally lost my marbles...my 23 yr old niece was proud of me and said she wished she had the balls to do such a thing...my sister-in-law told me if it was some sort of cult...bwahahah...I told her I would stay away from the grape Kool-Aid....lmao
My husband let me go,but in the back of his head he wondered if this was the beginning of some sort of madness...yes it was I was later to find out...but after a full year,it's finally come clear to him.
Getting off that plane I felt my heart beat faster..but once I saw my first Brokie brother,David,things were just fine. I felt like such a dream,all of it. And it happened so fast. But there were times where I would escape from the whole crowd. Disappear on my own,not used to all the kindness,all those people,was this for real? I would smoke my cigarettes and cry under a tree,or day dream. That was the thing I did for years when I needed to clear my head. I found out later that many people did the same thing. It was just so over whelming for a few of us.
So many of us from all over the world,I was amazed how similar we all really were....that's what this movie did. It was like morse code,getting us to find one another. To feel what Jack and Ennis felt. To feel their pain and ask each other why?
What more can I say?..you all witnessed all of us in here..our stories,our experiences,our pain and sorrows. Horrifying stories of our past.....but our futures are so much brighter now. We have opened up a new leaf,have taken a different road. We have each other now.No one is embarrassed to speak what on their minds. Maybe a few of us still have a ways to go...but we'll get there ,damn it...we will.
I'm the luckiest girl alive,I say to myself. To have been thru such an experience as this. To have met so many people,and not just thru the Texas BBQ..but in the Chicago Slash and Bay City Michigan....and in the future,where else?....I can't wait. I'm thankful that my life has taken so many new turns. Although,I get sad and lonely when I don't catch up as often as I would like to with my friends in here,it never lasts long. I'm just happy that I have them and that in a few days I will chat away. They're the best and their hearts are in the right places. I see how their lives have changed along with mine,and it makes me smile. I think of them and they in return think of me...how cool is that?
Happy Anniversary guys...you all know who you are...we're Texans at heart...lol...all 80+ of us!!
YEEEE HAWWW
Nellie
MOD "...had to add this picture
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi48.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff211%2Fkillersmom%2FBBQ%25202006%2FBBMBBQ2006062.jpg&hash=c9f16a22c140c951c47260f8bfb8aadec6d3d4be)
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Today is our 1st year Anniversary for most of us who attended the Texas BBQ. I can't put into words no matter how hard I try of how that weekend meant to me. To most of us.
I'm the luckiest girl alive,I say to myself. To have been thru such an experience as this. To have met so many people,and not just thru the Texas BBQ..but in the Chicago Slash and Bay City Michigan....and in the future,where else?....I can't wait. I'm thankful that my life has taken so many new turns. Although,I get sad and lonely when I don't catch up as often as I would like to with my friends in here,it never lasts long. I'm just happy that I have them and that in a few days I will chat away. They're the best and their hearts are in the right places. I see how their lives have changed along with mine,and it makes me smile. I think of them and they in return think of me...how cool is that?
Happy Anniversary guys...you all know who you are...we're Texans at heart...lol...all 80+ of us!!
YEEEE HAWWW
Nellie
beautiful post nell and i totally agree!!
and i feel extra lucky that i will be able to fly again to the states next week and have a mini meeting with brad,steven and rob!
i never would have thought that last year!
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Nellie, thanks so much for posting the pic here.
I won't go into the changes I've been through, been there, done that.
Those 4 days are embedded in my memory, so carefree and happy, such laughter, talking, hand holding, touching, crying, it was fantastic.
I have been fortunate to attend other get togethers, MD, CO, MI, and smaller ones in NYC and DC. I'm looking foward to CA and DC again, adding to the list of friends I've made because of this forum and this movie.
Each one of you has become a part of my history, and I know you'll be a part of my future chapters.
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I look at the picture Nellie posted and smile. So much has changed in my life this last year, since I took part in that weekend. Friendships that were in their infancy in Linda's back yard are now simply part of the fabric of my life. And that makes me so grateful. And PROUD! Because you chose to be friends with me, too. I am a better person, thanks to so many of you who have touched my life here in this place, this cyber community that has come SOOOOOO far beyond that idea.
Thank you to Linda (killersmom) for that weekend, always. You made a difference, Linda, in the lives of so many people that we can never thank you enough. :-* :-* :-*
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I agree, wholeheartedly, with what you say, Big Sis! So much has changed because of Auntie's BBQ, so many great friends made.
Where would any of us be without that gathering?
Thanks again, Linda! Will be nice having you here with Nick and me next Thursday night! Another mini-reunion about to be had here in little old Puyallup!
Love and hugs to you Big Sis Jackie, and to you too, Lil Sis Linda!
Rob
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I love you, Rob. :-*
And two years ago, I didn't know you existed. And you live only a few miles from where I grew up....the POWER of our Film and THIS FORUM!
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I love you too, Jackie!
Miracles never cease, as they say!
;)
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I love you too, Jackie!
Miracles never cease, as they say!
;)
Yep! :-*
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| (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdavecullen.com%2Fbrokeback%2Fdaily%2Fformat%2Fplaceholder.gif&hash=476950888770fe942ed4961a5185c13c00f2173f) | (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdavecullen.com%2Fbrokeback%2Fdaily%2Fformat%2Fplaceholder.gif&hash=476950888770fe942ed4961a5185c13c00f2173f) | (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdavecullen.com%2Fbrokeback%2Fdaily%2Fformat%2Fplaceholder.gif&hash=476950888770fe942ed4961a5185c13c00f2173f) | (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdavecullen.com%2Fbrokeback%2Fdaily%2Fformat%2Fplaceholder.gif&hash=476950888770fe942ed4961a5185c13c00f2173f) | (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdavecullen.com%2Fbrokeback%2Fdaily%2Fformat%2Fplaceholder.gif&hash=476950888770fe942ed4961a5185c13c00f2173f) | one year later... is it really true? i remember it well, way back when the seed of that wonderful event was planted.. auntie had asked, "hey, what do you think about........?" ...and there it was, many months later. all the planning and preparations were SO worth it. i opened up a files to see photos of the barbecue this afternoon, after lyle wished me a happy anniversary, and the tears started flowing upon seeing your smiling faces. i remember the countdown, how at first it seemed so impossibly far away, then suddenly august was upon us, and finally we were there! just amazing... much love to you all.
i am not so articulate in this thread, but i think ya'll know how the movie, the forum, and the opportunity to meet so many nice people in once place has affected me... and all of us. it blows my mind to think that the get togethers are still going strong.
anyway -- this (http://taxine.com/fullerspicer/bbq_aroundthehill.mov) is what i saw that made me cry-- your photos of the bbq, by members of the forum who found their way to texas one year ago. i've posted it before. hopefully you can see this musical quicktime file and remember the good times anew.
thank you, linda, for hosting the amazing event in texas last year. you're now no longer in that southern state, and i think we all left a bit of our hearts down in boerne. thank you for your hospitality -- and your friendship -- you mean the world to me! | (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdavecullen.com%2Fbrokeback%2Fdaily%2Fformat%2Fplaceholder.gif&hash=476950888770fe942ed4961a5185c13c00f2173f) | (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdavecullen.com%2Fbrokeback%2Fdaily%2Fformat%2Fplaceholder.gif&hash=476950888770fe942ed4961a5185c13c00f2173f) | (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdavecullen.com%2Fbrokeback%2Fdaily%2Fformat%2Fplaceholder.gif&hash=476950888770fe942ed4961a5185c13c00f2173f) | (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdavecullen.com%2Fbrokeback%2Fdaily%2Fformat%2Fplaceholder.gif&hash=476950888770fe942ed4961a5185c13c00f2173f) | (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdavecullen.com%2Fbrokeback%2Fdaily%2Fformat%2Fplaceholder.gif&hash=476950888770fe942ed4961a5185c13c00f2173f) |
HAPPY Auntie's BBM Backyard BBQ ANNIVERSARY, everybody!
maybe you can see/hear this, a small .3gp file of
the windchimes and cicadas of texas (http://taxine.com/fullerspicer/texasbells.3gp)
silly i know, but it means a lot to me.
:::cries:::
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I echo the previous sentiments of you all!
The wonderful memories have lightened the load
of a not so wonderful week just past.
Happiness to all of you!
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P.S.: At his employment last week an acquaintance met Heath Ledger
and he told Heath that Brokeback Mountain had changed his life. Heath
graciously responded and told him that things like that were very nice to hear.
They also talked about Batman (my acquaintance, a fan, was wearing a
Batman ring and he and Heath knocked their rings together). He said that
Heath told him the film was going to be awesome.
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...he told Heath that Brokeback Mountain had changed his life. Heath
graciously responded and told him that things like that were very nice to hear.
...
dang!! how lucky your friend was to be able to tell heath in person how brokeback affected him!
i'd probably be tongue tied :D
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Jimmy,
Thank you so much for your post,for all your nice words,the video and especially the picture you just posted...that's one of my fondest memories :'(....I'm a better person because of all this,and because I met you. I loved helping you prepare the tables in Linda's backyard...you did a wonderful job. I would also like to thank Linda for her hospitality,her kindness,and all her hard work in planning such a wonderful event. I also want to say thanks for allowing her pooches in on all this too...fell in love with Tootsie,and of course,Killer was just being himself... ;D
All my love,
Nellie :-*
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WOW, who would have thought that on that cold night in January 2006, on one screen in a Texas theater that viewing that movie started all of this for me. Here I am, 20,000+ posts, and more than a year later from my first viewing and celebrating the one year anniversary of the BBQ in my back yard in Boerne. I knew it would be something fantastic, but never realized how many wonderful friends I have made as a result of meeting those 85 people who came to share in my back yard. I had attended smaller get togethers previous to this and have attended larger ones since then, but, understandably, this one is closest to my heart. It will forever be a part of me, but also allowed my personal growth to blossom from the beginning, starting at that moment in a dark theater in Texas.
All of this started with each of those people's individual and personal reactions to our Movie. And yes, I say "our" because all of us can take ownership of this movie. All of the wonderful, positive, sometimes painful and difficult changes that each of us have gone through and experienced as a result of seeing it, is what makes it our own. As individual as the many people who have posted and shared here, there are that many individual reactions and changes as a result of witnessing this movie and story. Each of us do own this. It is ours.
The good and bad, the ups and downs of the previous year and a half have been worth it to me, all of it. It has allowed me to take stock of myself, to grow and hopefully become a better person to me and to those around me. I have stumbled and fallen, picked myself up with the help and assistance of so many here. By telling me (as I like to say) how the cow ate the cabbage, they have helped me grow. Thanks to all of you, you know who you are. I have made so many friends in all these months. Most I am still in contact with, some I am not. ALL have had a profound affect on my life, and for all of you I am so very grateful. I thank you.
The tremendous changes that have gone on in my life since that weekend at my house have been numerous. They were tough choices, and have been tough for me and my family, but these changes have been what I needed and just did not know. I now no longer live at that house in Boerne. I realized it no longer held me in the present, but only the memories of my children growing up and my marriage. Those are powerful, and are with me always, but ones that prevented me from growing and getting on with my life. I did not realize I was not happy and I was just existing, satisfied with the limited things that life had to offer me. Thinking, at 55 yo, that I was past change and should just be happy with my life the way it had been for so long. After reading the stories and sharing with so many people face to face, I knew that all the changes that so many had experienced, be they big or small, were a message to me that in order to continue and grow in life, I was the only one who could make those changes happen. I had to make choices and decisions, I had to make it happen.
I think I learned this in the planning of the BBQ. I knew that in order to bring together those people I so wanted to meet, I would just have to make it happen. That is what I meant when I said that I planned the BBQ for myself. I never realized that in doing that, I made it possible (by just providing a common ground) for so many others to come together and meet face to face. When this was accomplished, I realized I could accomplish those changes in my life that I realized I needed to make, not just to talk about, but to do.
I sold my home of 16 years in Boerne, packed my bags, loaded up my two little dogs and headed out to California. I have now lived here since April, and although it has not been easy, it has been exactly what I needed, just didn't know that I did. My life has changed for the better. That last statement sounds so mild compared to how it really feels. The words are not adequate, but the changes are. Someone told me that I came here with the positive attitude that this is what I wanted and needed, and that is why is has worked. I don't know if this is so, but I do know I am happy. I did not realize I was not, until I got here and thought, "what is different, what has changed?". The answer was simple for me, I am happy. Just those three words.
All the above is just a little of how Brokeback has affected me since I first stumbled upon it so many months ago. It started out from the words of a book, and from the scenes of a movie, and has continued with each and every person I have met and have yet to meet. For, as we all have come to realize, life outside BBM is what it is all about. All of this has started most of us on changing paths. Some have just started out on those paths, some are continuing, and a lot have finished those journeys. What we do with the lessons we have learned here is the most important thing. It has been for me.
Thanks to all who have been and continue to be such important parts of my real life. The book, the movie and this forum have brought us together. My wish is that we continue to share here, but most importantly, in our real day to day lives as well.
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Thanks for your post Linda. :)
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oh nellie, your exuberant smile in that photo one of the seven reasons i love that image so much! six gorgeous ladies and one happy viewer remembering the wonderful emotions of the bbq. the event affected me in such long-lasting ways, as it did you... i really never, when signing up for this forum, ever imagined the changes in my life that would occur as a direct result of clicking that "join" button!!
much love to you! :-* :-* :-*
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WOW, who would have thought that on that cold night in January 2006, on one screen in a Texas theater that viewing that movie started all of this for me. Here I am, 20,000+ posts, and more than a year later from my first viewing and celebrating the one year anniversary of the BBQ in my back yard in Boerne. ...
linda, congrats on your 20,000+ posts, but more importantly, for realizing your happiness. wow is right. i am happy. -- yes, i think that really is what counts. your courage in the face of change (and what changes you've been through these last few years!), and your determination, endurance and fortitude is absolutely amazing. i learn so much from you...! that brokeback was able to help you to examine the nuances of what was/is going on your life is also truly heartwarming. it is so great to know that you're still growing and changing, all the while looking ahead with a positive outlook and an abundance of LOVE in your heart... you are an inspiration!
love you much!!! -- jimmy :) :-* :-* :-*
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Scene from A Weekend at Boerne
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I think I learned this in the planning of the BBQ. I knew that in order to bring together those people I so wanted to meet, I would just have to make it happen. That is what I meant when I said that I planned the BBQ for myself. I never realized that in doing that, I made it possible (by just providing a common ground) for so many others to come together and meet face to face. When this was accomplished, I realized I could accomplish those changes in my life that I realized I needed to make, not just to talk about, but to do.
Linda, you are and will remain one of my heroes here on DC. I remembered the anniversary, not because I was there, but because I was not able to attend. I will forever kick myself and deeply envy all of the wonderful people who were able to attend, solidify those friendships and finally find a place where BBM was the binding thread. Kudos to changing your life and the lives of many of us here. Vincent
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Scene from A Weekend at Boerne
LOL :D ;D ;D
-- for those that don't know, the town of boerne is pronounced "boar-knee", similar to "bernie"... ;)
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Jimmy, I didn't get the pun until you pointed it out, even though I knew the pronunciation! Didn't speak it out loud! Thanks!
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Thanks everyone for your kind replies..
I can't even begin to tell you the turmoil in my life-and yet the potential excitement of becoming the person I want to be. I wish I could picture my future more-but who of us can.
Amymm,
I know exactly what you mean - I know there is a 'future' of fulfilment out there for me, and I've got just about enough self-confidence to go out and actively seek it, but in my case I'd by lying if I said I don't have bouts of insecurity in wondering if I have enough to offer emotionally, or whether I'm still attractive.
Part of me wants to 'rush in' to a sexual encounter just as a sort of physical validation, another wants to be alone for quite a long time, and yet another only wants close male friendships. I know I need time to heal though - I'm heartbroken about the end of my marriage deep down but the endless flurry of day-to-day life still keeps me from feeling it.
What is most depressing right now is dealing with the mountain of practical things to sort out - having to ask each other for joint credit and bank cards and cutting them in half, writing letters requesting names to be changed.. It all seems so cold and clinical, and this is before I've found somewhere to live. I can't openly say how anxious I feel about adjusting to living on my own, because my wife will understandably point out that this is all happening because of me..
I've 'come out' to myself though, which was an important first step - My avatar now shows me as I am for the whole world to see online, instead of using a picture of me as a baby for relative anonymity.
Andy
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I've 'come out' to myself though, which was an important first step - My avatar now shows me as I am for the whole world to see online, instead of using a picture of me as a baby for relative anonymity.
Andy
Congratulations, Andy!
I'm so proud of you for taking that first step!
There is no need to rush anything. Give yourself time to think things through, and move forward at a pace you are comfortable with!
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Thanks everyone for your kind replies..
...
Part of me wants to 'rush in' to a sexual encounter just as a sort of physical validation, another wants to be alone for quite a long time, and yet another only wants close male friendships. I know I need time to heal though - I'm heartbroken about the end of my marriage deep down but the endless flurry of day-to-day life still keeps me from feeling it.
What is most depressing right now is dealing with the mountain of practical things to sort out - having to ask each other for joint credit and bank cards and cutting them in half, writing letters requesting names to be changed.. It all seems so cold and clinical, and this is before I've found somewhere to live. I can't openly say how anxious I feel about adjusting to living on my own, because my wife will understandably point out that this is all happening because of me..
Andy
Hello Andy.
Thank you for coming back to share these thoughts with us.
I have placed in bold above, the parts of your note which resonate so very much with my own experiences and feelings.
I sincerely hope that you have been able to start some PMs with other males in here to support you. Doing that has been my own LIFERAFT. Without each of them, I know that I would not be at the stage of relative emotional equilibrium that I am at now. And very importantly, their friendships have become THE most important friendships which I have now. I don't want to commune with anyone else, just with them here on-line; and in person whenever that might occur.
You write about the depressing aspects of doing all of those cold and clinical little things; and I can understand that each one of them, especially cutting joint credit-cards in half, is like cutting off a part of your body as you know that it is another step towards severing your marriage relationship. You show great fortitude though, in all that you write. I hope that it will be strong enough to sustain you into the future.
Now my situation is a little different from yours, in that my marriage is not ending (also in that our children are now adults living away from home -- so there is not that heart-breaking physical breach with them which you have with yours), but my wife has told me that if I ever follow my urges, then the marriage will be over. I love her dearly, and want BOTH! (just greedy).
Hopefully, when you reach the stage of moving out, you can choose a place which suits YOU and your preferences, and not a compromise, as you know most marriage relationships involve. For myself, if I were ever to get to that stage, I would LOVE being able to paint it in MY colour preferences, to put up paintings which I love but which my wife does not, to be able to play MY rock 'n' roll music all day, without feeling that she should be able to hear her classical stuff too. In short, I would revel in not having to tolerate all of those little things which rile me up each day. (And of course, to be balanced in this, I KNOW that she would similarly love to be able to follow her own preferences, without having to put up with me and my complaints, criticisms, etc.).
But my purpose in writing this paragraph was to indicate to you that there can be lots of NICE things to look forward to, when the time to move does eventually arrive.
Meanwhile, I still take of my hat to both of you for the calm way in which you are both approaching the situation. May it long continue in that vein.
Best wishes: JohnnyX.
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in my case I'd by lying if I said I don't have bouts of insecurity in wondering if I have enough to offer emotionally, or whether I'm still attractive.
Part of me wants to 'rush in' to a sexual encounter just as a sort of physical validation, another wants to be alone for quite a long time, and yet another only wants close male friendships. I know I need time to heal though - I'm heartbroken about the end of my marriage deep down but the endless flurry of day-to-day life still keeps me from feeling it.
What is most depressing right now is dealing with the mountain of practical things to sort out - having to ask each other for joint credit and bank cards and cutting them in half, writing letters requesting names to be changed.. It all seems so cold and clinical, and this is before I've found somewhere to live. I can't openly say how anxious I feel about adjusting to living on my own, because my wife will understandably point out that this is all happening because of me..
I've 'come out' to myself though, which was an important first step - My avatar now shows me as I am for the whole world to see online, instead of using a picture of me as a baby for relative anonymity.
Andy
I also congratulate you on what must be a very difficult step. While I know you can get help from us in the forum, I do hope you have some close friend in RL to support you at this time. I assure you your avatar shows you are still attractive . :)
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I've 'come out' to myself though, which was an important first step - My avatar now shows me as I am for the whole world to see online, instead of using a picture of me as a baby for relative anonymity.
Andy
Andy, many of the things you are dealing with now...the "cold and clinical" part, is something that happens with every separation, mine included, so maybe that is some small comfort. I was also the one who made the decision to leave my marriage, though for different reasons...
I like the look of you, honey...an open and questioning man, looking for what is right for YOU! You are allowed that right, to find your self amidst the turmoil. What may we do to help?
-Jackie
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First of all, thank you Andy. What you're going through is not easy and your post made me remember the time of my divorce 15 tears ago. At the time it had some surreal feeling to everything I went through. I listened weird music (I remember listening to Cole Porter's "Night and Day" over and over again)... and thinking hard if I ever dared to follow the true desire. Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.
I'm here if you ever want to talk.
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Hi Andy. I was glad to see you reply. I can relate to so many things you said. Mostly about being torn between having a sexual encounter and also wanting to be alone for a really long time. I also feel both. I think it would be so nice to know someone would want me like that again. I know part of the insecurity is that I feel so awful about what this has done to my family and I need the validation when I feel so bad. Also, I fear no one will want to commit and be involved with someone with 3 young kids. I feel like all I'll ever be is a mom. Being a mom is great-but where do I put all this new found passion?
But being alone is good too, to discover more about myself and find out what I'm actually going to be able to give to someone else. And unraveling my life from my dh is going to be so hard. He's a good guy and I still want some family life. I miss my family in a lot of way, although I know I did the right thing.
Hang in there Andy. Even though I'm a woman, our experinces are very similar. PM anytime if you want.
Amy
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The first time I saw the movie, my reaction was fairly conventional - it struck me as a very good story with fine actors and obvious excellent direction. In short, a good night out. I then saw the film again about a week later and left the cinema with an altogether different response.....
This time I could not stop crying and I had a terrifying stabbing feeling in my chest. Was I having a heart attack? In hindsight, I guess not! However, my reaction was akin to hearing terrible news about people whom I love.
An overwhelming feeling of sadness consumed me for about a week. I felt a bit like I was going mad. I didn't know what these feelings were or where to put them.
One evening, not long after, I compiled a tape of music. I dedicated each of the songs to a different character in the movie. (Yeah, carzy, I know, but there you are......) Now when I play the tape, I feel great peace.
For those of you who might be interested, here are the songs on my tape (I have included a line from each song):
For Jack
THIS SHIRT
by Mary Chapin Carpenter
[“It’s so old I should replace it, but I’m not about to try.”]
For Lureen
HOW DO
by Mary Chapin Carpenter
[“Where’d you get that accent, son, it matches your cowboy boots.”]
For Ennis
FAMILY HANDS
by Mary Chapin Carpenter
[“Raised by the women who were stronger than you know.”]
For Alma
NO ONE’S GONNA LOVE YOU LIKE ME
by Mary McBride
[“I know sometimes you felt so lonely, I know you felt so sad and blue.”]
For Jack
I DON’T WANT TO SAY GOODBYE
by Teddy Thompson
[“All I wanna do is live with you.”]
For Lureen
A LOT LIKE ME
by Mary Chapin Carpenter
[“He had a big ol‘ Gibson and a pick-up truck and Shenandoah eyes.”]
For Ennis
SPEED OF THE SOUND OF LONELINESS
by Nanci Griffith
[“You come on big when you’re feelin’ small.”]
For Alma
HOMETOWN GIRL
by Mary Chapin Carpenter
[“I won‘t forget you but I‘ll let you be.”]
For Jack
I WILL NEVER LET YOU GO
by Jackie Green
[“When I feel that lonesome prairie wind, I let my soul get back to you again.”]
For Lureen
ARE YOU TIRED OF ME, DARLING?
by Nanci Griffith
[“Answer only with your eyes.”]
For Ennis
ACROSS THE GREAT DIVIDE
by Nanci Griffith
[“Countin‘ troubles ‘stead of countin‘ sheep.”]
For Alma
SOMETHING OF A DREAMER
by Mary Chapin Carpenter
[“He promised wine and roses and she thought that was enough.”]
For Jack
A LOVE THAT WILL NEVER GROW OLD
by Emmylou Harris
[“When you wake up, the world may have changed.”]
For Lureen
COMIN’ DOWN IN THE RAIN
by Nanci Griffith
[“It was right next to hers but it’ll only come down in the rain.”]
For Ennis
HE WAS A FRIEND OF MINE
by Willie Nelson
[“A thousand miles from home and he never harmed no one.”]
For Alma
JUST BECAUSE
by Mary Chapin Carpenter
[“Changes come to hearts with ease but they come so hard to me.”]
For Cassie
IT DON’T BRING YOU
by Mary Chapin Carpenter
["I should‘ve known that luck‘s a waste of time.”]
For Alma Junior
TURN AROUND
by Nanci Griffith
[“Where are you goin‘, my baby my own?”]
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Funny, I did something similar but with songs from one artist, Greg Brown (he has a deep, dark Ennis-like voice). The six songs I culled from his albums follow the chronology of the story. I posted them in another thread the other day: http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=104.msg975493#msg975493
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Many thanks for that. Your collection of songs sounds great. Makes me not feel so strange now. Many people have similar reactions to me. It's funny, isn't it, that we wrote about our compilations wihout knowing about each other's idea?
Thanks again and all the best
Glen
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Many of you who have been on the forum longer than me will probably have already heard of this song, but for those of you who haven't, here it is. I refer to it on my tape mentioned above. (The only dodgy bit is the reference to the cat. OK, nothing is perfect!) Otherwise it is great.
THIS SHIRT
by Mary Chapin Carpenter
From the album "Party Doll and Other Favourites" (1999)
This shirt is old and faded
All the color's washed away
I've had it now for more damn years
Than I can count anyway
I wear it beneath my jacket
With the collar turned up high
So old I should replace it
But I'm not about to try
This shirt's got silver buttons
And a place upon the sleeve
Where I used to set my heart up
Right there anyone could see
This shirt is the one I wore to every boring high school dance
Where the boys ignored the girls
And we all pretended to like the band
This shirt was a pillow for my head
On a train through Italy
This shirt was a blanket beneath the love
We made in Argeles
This shirt was lost for three whole days
In a town near Buffalo
'Till I found the locker key
In a downtown Trailways bus depot
This shirt was the one I lent you
And when you gave it back
There was a rip inside the sleeve
Where you rolled your cigarettes
It was the place I put my heart
Now look at where you put a tear
I forgave your thoughtlessness
But not the boy who put it there
This shirt was the place your cat
Decided to give birth to five
And we stayed up all night watching
And we wept when the last one died
This shirt is just an old faded piece of cotton
Shining like the memories
Inside those silver buttons
This shirt is a grand old relic
With a grand old history
I wear it now for Sunday chores
Cleaning house and raking leaves
I wear it beneath my jacket
With the collar turned up high
So old I should replace it
But I'm not about to try
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I've 'come out' to myself though, which was an important first step - My avatar now shows me as I am for the whole world to see online, instead of using a picture of me as a baby for relative anonymity.
Andy
Dear Andy,
I have been thinking of you and the phase of your life that you are in. You have come out to yourself, and that is the most important thing right now. When I look back to that specific moment (I still recall, know date, time and place and remember the feeling) I feel now that it was like a second birth. It is among the most important moments in my life, if not the most important. One of those moments that imply a radical change in your life, and which divides your life in a period before this moment and after this moment. For me it was the beginning of the end of my loneliness. After a lonely childhood and adolescence (because of this terrible secret, of which I didn't even let myself think), and a secret love in which we could not cope with the consequences, I suddenly realized that it was ME being GAY, and that it would not change. This also meant the end of my secret love. I could not stay in this closet. I had to go out and be myself and find others, which happened. So I hope to bring this message convincingly: coming out to yourself is a prerequisite for solving your loneliness. When the time is right, you'll find others.
Art
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what he said ^^^^
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I joined this Forum on Jan 18, 2006. I had NO idea what I was in for. Did any of us?
I wanted to understand what was going on in my heart, my soul...why a movie had affected me so immediately, so deeply.
I am still here. Many have moved on, found new meaning in their lives from this phenomenon, or not....
I am still here.
Does this mean I have not found meaning in my life? I don't think so....To me, it means that I have found a place where people like the same things I do....who appreciate the same values...a home? Yeah, I think so....maybe temporary in the grand scheme of things, but so what?
I love this place, and all it represents...
Thank you to all of you who have been here for me...I am grateful....always. :'(
Back to our regularly scheduled program....
-Jackie
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Jackie girl,thank you for your post.
I call it perfect timing....for what I have been thinking about for a long time. About leaving this Forum.I thought I was really ready to let go for sure...this was it. Done deal....but here I am still. Writing...lurking...
I've been in here since January 30th,2006
Now that I think about it,again...after reading your post,maybe it's just the mood I'm in right now...which is a good one ...but all that mumbo I was thinking about is all junk and stupid . I don't know what it is in me that makes me think that I have to leave this place. Is it because we're so busy in real life that I feel no one cares anymore? .it's still nice out so people are just busy...but I have to tell you,and you understand where I'm coming from,Jackie, that I think deep down inside I don't want to be hurt..so I feel like I have to let go before everyone else does. Does that sound pycho to you?...lol....maybe I am paranoid,or even nuts.....but where I came from,there was no such thing as trust..a real friendship..I never really got close to anyone because they either died on me or just didn't care.We never really had things in common anyway. But in here, a different story.So many things in common, I would often ask myself that besides the movie..what else is there?...even with all the friends in here....how long will it last?...And why the hell should I care?...But I can't help but to care...it's something that keeps taking me in here...not the attention...but just wanting to know how people are. Nosey?....no...just pure caring. God,where did all this come from? I surprise myself. I look at the picture threads and by the time I catch up I have a big grin from ear to ear. It's like looking thru a family album....
Many folks have told me that they're not going anywhere...that they care and are going to stay here for as long as it takes. I mean,sure things are different in here,comparing it to how it was almost 2 years ago. And yeah,it doesn't mean that we haven't found our true meaning in life. We all have our reasons to be in here....
I started writing PM's to people ,like a goodbye,and with every one I deleted it before I hit "send". I did send an e-mail to a friend from here....God,did I scare em off?....lol.... ahhh...I'm sure he's used to me by now...lmao...crazy Rican at it again....people like this one friend I'm talking about mean the world to me. It's just amazing how all this came to be..people from different states,different backgrounds.No matter what I say,I don't have to worry. I can be so truthful,yeah I get embarrassed sometimes...for all the goofy things I say..but they accept me for who I am...and I love that feeling. No place I have ever been to has done that.
So I guess for now,it's just little 'ole me popping in from time to time,lurking,reading,writing here and there...but what's most important that no matter how infrequent things get,doesn't mean I never think of you guys,and I have to keep telling myself that you guys still care too. We're Brokies!! Just hit me on the head ever so often...lol....
This is like home Jackie....for some more than others,but it's still home...
Nellie
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Bless you both, Nellie and Jackie. :-* :-* :-*
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Nellie, mi hermana...
I wrote that post very late last night because the thread had not been visited in a while... and I needed to remember why...why it began for me, why it still is for me...and you are one of the reasons. As are you, Fritz. And so many of you.
Time for a movie quote:
"There's no place like home...there's no place like home..."
;)
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Nellie, mi hermana...
I wrote that post very late last night because the thread had not been visited in a while... and I needed to remember why...why it began for me, why it still is for me...and you are one of the reasons. As are you, Fritz. And so many of you. ... ;)
Hello dear Jackie and Nellie.
Thank you both for your posts, as always.
Both of you ARE this thread.
I am glad that each of you has decided to stay.
Jackie, I think that there are several reasons why the thread is fairly moribund at the moment.
One of course is because we might have very few new posters coming here anyway.
Another I feel is because when we have had new posters coming in here, all happy and eager to discuss all aspects of how BBM has AFFECTED them -- with their questioning on diverse areas of how that has affected them -- they have been very pointedly told that they should be posting such things in other threads as they "off topic" in here. What a quick way to cut off their enthusiasm and to lose them from here!
Another is because most of us might feel that we are just posting repetitiously when we have little or nothing new to add to our earlier posts. (Sure Nellie, we know that you don't feel this way. ROFL AND just in case you are in a sensitive stage: you should know by now that I LOVE reading everything that you write in here. You are a wonderful inspiration to me, and I would think also to a lot of others. )
Another reason might well be that potential new posters will feel intimidated by the "clubiness" (to put it as nicely as I can) which often inhabits this thread.
Again, it may be that some people who have previously written a lot of great stuff in here, are now giving their time to writing extensively in other threads.
Finally here is a sackful of other bits and pieces on the issue:
One of my wonderful correspondents feels that on those rare occasions when he has posted on here, his viewpoints have not been appreciated. He gauges this either by the stony silence which his contributions might be greeted with; or with some stinging replies.
Another friend has so much happening in his personal life that he no longer has time to read on the forum at all. Using it mainly to send PMs through to existing contacts.
Others have found new loves in their lives so that they feel that they no longer need the Forum at all; and hand-in-glove with this, they are dedicating so much time to each other that they don't have time to read or post on the threads.
AND I think that a HUGE part of it is the fact that many of us have now had over a year to work through many of the issues which BBM hit us with --- and with help from general reading on the threads and in PMs, might no longer feel the need to inhabit this place like before.
For myself, I still check in here regularly to read the latest posts; with most of my time given over to e-mail or PM messages with the most wonderful people who I have met in here; and with whom I hope never to lose contact.
Thanking both of you Nellie and Jackie for ALWAYS being here for everyone, and for so honestly sharing with us your latest "stage" of being, post BBM.
And might I end with an invitation to anyone out there who is reading and would love to post, but who feels diffident about doing so: please do post, you will be sure to hear back from Nellie and Jackie at least --- but I believe that a LOT of people READ in here all the time; so you never know who might jump out of the woodwork to be a comfort to you.
Regards: JohnnyX.
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since i'm not sure where to post this, i am putting it here. here is a link on google video to an alternate ending:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8125341902068184287&q=john+trudell&total=81&start=0&num=100&so=3&type=search&plindex=20
whad'ya think?
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<snip>
Another is because most of us might feel that we are just posting repetitiously when we have little or nothing new to add to our earlier posts. (Sure Nellie, we know that you don't feel this way. ROFL AND just in case you are in a sensitive stage: you should know by now that I LOVE reading everything that you write in here. You are a wonderful inspiration to me, and I would think also to a lot of others. )
Oh Lord...you know me too well,you're scaring me....bwahahha
<snip>
One of my wonderful correspondents feels that on those rare occasions when he has posted on here, his viewpoints have not been appreciated. He gauges this either by the stony silence which his contributions might be greeted with; or with some stinging replies.
Others have found new loves in their lives so that they feel that they no longer need the Forum at all; and hand-in-glove with this, they are dedicating so much time to each other that they don't have time to read or post on the threads.
AND I think that a HUGE part of it is the fact that many of us have now had over a year to work through many of the issues which BBM hit us with --- and with help from general reading on the threads and in PMs, might no longer feel the need to inhabit this place like before.
For myself, I still check in here regularly to read the latest posts; with most of my time given over to e-mail or PM messages with the most wonderful people who I have met in here; and with whom I hope never to lose contact.
Thanking both of you Nellie and Jackie for ALWAYS being here for everyone, and for so honestly sharing with us your latest "stage" of being, post BBM.
And might I end with an invitation to anyone out there who is reading and would love to post, but who feels diffident about doing so: please do post, you will be sure to hear back from Nellie and Jackie at least --- but I believe that a LOT of people READ in here all the time; so you never know who might jump out of the woodwork to be a comfort to you.
Regards: JohnnyX.
Johnny,
Thank you so much for such kind words....don't even know how to respond. I'll try by first saying that it's true about not wanting to be so repetitive...blah blah blah all sounds the same...that's one of the reasons why I was feeling I needed to leave.But trying to stay connected is what keeps me in here.
It really makes me feel bad that some people don't feel comfortable in this thread,or elsewhere for that matter in this Forum. It shouldn't be that way...no one in here is a know it all...and if they have nothing nice to say,then they should just shut the hell up...move on,I say....don't rain on anyone's parade..I would love to hear from the newbies as I'm sure many people would too.
Since changing my job I haven't had any time in this Forum to catch up. But I was transferred to another department,a much better one and the hours are fantastic. It gives me time to catch up at home with stuff and unwind in here more often. So I hope to catch a few newbies and chat some when I can. This movie will never go away...the feelings are still here...the impact is still changing lives while others are still working at it. People shouldn't feel that they were late for the party...they should still come in here and tell us how this movie affected them.
I myself don't have time to check out the other threads like I would like....I try to stay in touch at least once a week thru e-mails and PM's....and if my friends can't respond weekly...that's okay,I understand . I try to keep my balance in my life by trying to stay in touch. What more can you do?
I think that clubiness you mention happens in every thread. It happens to me too and at times it really doesn't mean that they're outing you,just means that they're so wrapped up in their conversations that they forget others feelings.....I won't hold it against them. Some people are more sensitive than others,it's really hard to read between the lines for some people sometimes.
Johnny, it's always a pleasure to chat with you,you always have something nice to say to people and for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart. We'll see what happens around here.
One more thing I have to say ... I just received a PM from a dear friend .It was wonderful to hear from him and hear how happy and busy he is with his life. It's been weeks since I heard from him. But he mentions how disconnected he feels and because he's away from this Forum more and more...it's easy to feel that way. Maybe that's what happened to me these past few months. To a few of us,actually. But I have to say that maybe we should see our movie again,focus on why this movie brought us all together and try to keep that in our hearts. We should never forget and I'm sure for those who are very busy and feel disconnected...that they really didn't forget,just need to be reminded how much they mean to us...never assume they know...you know what I mean?......
Anyway...I'm babbling now...lol...so easy for me to do when I'm in this mood..
Come on newbies...don't be afraid...I see tons and tons of "guests" out there still....you should sign up and join the conversations...did this movie change your life? It had to of if you keep lurking in here.... ;D
Your friend
Nelllie
PS...for someone who just said I don't know how to respond, I sure said alot...bwahahahhaha....good grief!! ::)
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since i'm not sure where to post this, i am putting it here. here is a link on google video to an alternate ending:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8125341902068184287&q=john+trudell&total=81&start=0&num=100&so=3&type=search&plindex=20
whad'ya think?
Sorry hon, my computer won't let me view this.....
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since i'm not sure where to post this, i am putting it here. here is a link on google video to an alternate ending:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8125341902068184287&q=john+trudell&total=81&start=0&num=100&so=3&type=search&plindex=20
whad'ya think?
Hello and welcome! You may be interested in knowing that this was done by a Forum member here, Bay City John.
Quite good, isn't it?
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For all of the newbies, the guests, the private folks who prefer NOT to post here or anywhere on the Forum...s'alright, s'alright....we who DO post a LOT ( ;) ) do understand, but also encourage you, as Nellie said, to share with us what it is that this film has done for you, in a place where it is safe...here with us, your friends....
Johnny is right in that I try to be available to all the folks here, because people were available to me when I so desperately needed it. Just paying it forward, so to speak....
I am such a lucky woman. :-*
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And we are so lucky to have you here, Jackie. Such a blessing to us. :-*
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Says Betty, my heroine! Thank you, honey. :-* :-* :-*
I got to meet Betty in Colorado....one cool lady, if I may say so....
Betty, I wanna be like you when I grow up! :D
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Neatfreak and Paintedshoes sure make the Brokeback Mountain sky twinkle!
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Sorry hon, my computer won't let me view this.....
try this one: (though since a forum member did it it may be old news)
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8125341902068184287&q=brokeback+mountain+alternate+ending&total=2&start=0&num=100&so=0&type=search&plindex=0
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Hello and welcome! You may be interested in knowing that this was done by a Forum member here, Bay City John.
Quite good, isn't it?
thank you! yes, i burst into tears with the wedding scene - very moving, and how we all wish it could've ended...happily ever after...
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Hello and welcome! You may be interested in knowing that this was done by a Forum member here, Bay City John.
Quite good, isn't it?
thank you! yes, i burst into tears with the wedding scene - very moving, and how we all wish it could've ended...happily ever after...
Hey there all of you,
Been following your posts(so I'm a lurker,as you call it)
Only posting sometimes when I'm in the mood for it.
I don't express myself very good in englisch,but I can read it much better.
This time a had to respond to that video on you tube.
Very well done,to whoever who made it,I loved it.
I want you all to know that I love you all and you all are very helpfull to me.
So you keep on writing and I keep on lurking.
Liefs Carolien xxx
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Goeiedag Carolien,
Goed om landgenoten te zien in dit forum!
Wellcome in this forum. Good to see new posters, while the 'old' ones are questioning their practices..... I think this is a recurrent thing, that helps to keep the forum alive. I noticed that after some of you had met each other on get-to-gethers, the tone of the forum changed. A normal thing, I think, because the anonymity was gone for some members and people communicate differently when they know each other personally.
I wonder whether this forum will exist for ever. What do you think, members?
Art
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Hey there all of you,
Been following your posts(so I'm a lurker,as you call it)
Only posting sometimes when I'm in the mood for it.
I don't express myself very good in englisch,but I can read it much better.
This time a had to respond to that video on you tube.
Very well done,to whoever who made it,I loved it.
I want you all to know that I love you all and you all are very helpfull to me.
So you keep on writing and I keep on lurking.
Liefs Carolien xxx
Hello Carolien and WELCOME back to our Affected thread.
I didn't reply the last time that you wrote, expecting that your fellow Slash-lovers would prefer to talk with you on a level that you each relate to. (I am not a Slash fan -- except for the Slash writing of one very special man. ha ha.)
However in that earlier posting of yours, it was really lovely to read that after viewing BBM, it helped you to appreciate your family more. How wonderful for them, and for you.
I think that you will also find that MANY of us in here can relate to your experience of having friends who do not relate to BBM in the same way that we all relate to it. We must be very special people, hey? But WHY don't they "get" it like we do?
We must each handle the film differently. I notice earlier that Nellie suggested getting out the DVD occasionally and re-viewing the film; and that you like to view it again too. Not for me. It devastated me so much, that I have not done most of the things which I should have done in the past 18 months; so I DARE NOT watch it again, in case it puts me right back at the emotional mess level that I have been at for all of this time. Therefore my DVD sits unused -- only having been viewed twice; all within the first two days of when I bought it.
Anyway Carolien, please come back and write to us as often as you feel the need.
Hopefully you will find some thoughts which you would like to share with the rest of us.
And THANK YOU for writing this note to us.
Good wishes: JohnnyX.
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Hey Art,
Dat is wel zo gezellig ,ja,een mede-nederlander,maar volgens mij zijn er wel meer aanwezig hier.
I only hope this forum will live forever and ever(i think it will,don't you)
How can we forget BBM. We simply can't.
Hey Johnny,
Off course not all of us are slash-fans.(but I am,hihihi)
But I agree with you that we're all very special people, I only wish I knew the reason why,as so do you.
Anyway thank you fot the welcome and I'll try to post regularly :)
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I wonder whether this forum will exist for ever. What do you think, members?
Art
(Not, if the technical difficulties won't get solved. I composed a reply and the forum kicked me out before I could post it. There was nothing fundamentally irreplaceable in it but it still hurts to see it disappear. And it's not the first time either. So here is what I remembered about its content:)
I do not know. I doubt it. I guess it lasts as long as people feel that they need to take part and contribute. I've been thinking about the impact of the movie and this forum a lot lately... how do I keep what I have learned alive in my everyday life? Does the forum continue in my life through friendships, through the lessons I have learned, the wisdom gathered from others... will the story of two cowboys in love have an impact on my life five years from now? Ten? Twenty?
Don't know. But what I do know is that the movie changed something very fundamental in how I see the world and myself in it. Last summer was a bit difficult for me healthwise and now, on the road to recovery, the movie helped me a lot... life is now. You never know when it's going to be taken away from you or when you might lose a loved one. Life is too valuable to be wasted.
There's a quote of Ayn Rand that has been very meaningful to me lately:
In the name of the best within you, do not sacrifice this world to those who are its worst. In the name of the values that keep you alive, do not let your vision of man be distorted by the ugly, the cowardly, the mindless in those who have never achieved his title. Do not lose your knowledge that man's proper estate is an upright posture, an intransigent mind and a step that travels unlimited roads. Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours.”
Maybe that is the description of the impact in me. Forum may cease to exist but the movie and people who have touched my soul here never will.
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Forum may cease to exist but the movie and people who have ouched my soul here never will.
This forum has bought me a great circle of friends and support. How long will the forum last? Who knows. As long as we can ride it......
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Forum may cease to exist but the movie and people who have ouched my soul here never will.
This forum has bought me a great circle of friends and support. How long will the forum last? Who knows. As long as we can ride it......
There ain't no reigns on this one ;)
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I wonder whether this forum will exist for ever. What do you think, members?
Art
I do not know. I doubt it. I guess it lasts as long as people feel that they need to take part and contribute. I've been thinking about the impact of the movie and this forum a lot lately... how do I keep what I have learned alive in my everyday life? Does the forum continue in my life through friendships, through the lessons I have learned, the wisdom gathered from others... will the story of two cowboys in love have an impact on my life five years from now? Ten? Twenty?
Don't know. But what I do know is that the movie changed something very fundamental in how I see the world and myself in it. Last summer was a bit difficult for me healthwise and now, on the road to recovery, the movie helped me a lot... life is now. You never know when it's going to be taken away from you or when you might lose a loved one. Life is too valuable to be wasted.
<snip>
Maybe that is the description of the impact in me. Forum may cease to exist but the movie and people who have touched my soul here never will.
Jari,
Thank you for your quote ,it's beautiful and so meaningful....you must read it a few times to grasp the meaning of it. Let's try to live by it !
For you and me and people who have been here since day one,I feel that we are the one's who have realized that maybe this Forum will not last forever only because for us,it's changed so much. After we have all met in person,we seek those whom we have clicked with,connected with,shared with. We weren't afraid to show ourselves,cry together,laugh,and get angry with. We always came back to "us". The sudden impact of this movie has faded away...but not forever.It will never leave our memory. Since we have had almost 2 years to discuss the affects of Brokeback,how it's changed our ways of thinking,our ways of living our day to day lives..we have come to realize our peace,our balance. And that is why many of us are slowly leaving this Forum,myself included...but it's not leaving entirely,just moving on,but keeping a grip with the rest of the people who still hang out a lot in here for whatever reason they choose. The time people have to visit the picture threads,the Diner,and for those who are stuck on that slash stuff,it will continue for quite some time.
I will NEVER go back to how it was...how I thought..my frame of judgement...I'm a Brokie now,forever changed by the people I have come across in here,the one's I've met,the one's I have spoken to on the phone,the one's I have Emailed with. I can't even begin to tell you how much all this has meant to me. This movie will always be engraved in my memory. Those two men will always live in me,in my heart and soul.
We will always be learning from our mistakes,always needing to talk to someone to get an opinion,and I truly hope that with those I have grown to love that they will always be around for me and I for them.That we can pick up the phone or Email each other once in awhile. Even when this Forum will no longer exist. We were so used to that instant contact from each other...that instant communication we all once had,and this is the part that is very difficult for me right now.This is the part that is hard to let go. But it's a step we all must take sooner or later,the rest is all up to us.
Nellie
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I agree with both Jari and Nellie....
I have no idea how long this Forum will last...but....the people I have met here, the joys and sorrows I have shared here, the person I am now...all new, all respected, all loved...and I include myself, for I did not love myself before Brokeback and this place.
I will take all I can from this place...suck the marrow from the bones and be grateful....always....for all of you!
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Wherever two or more of us are gathered together... there is Brokeback Mountain.
Today, on a wickedly hot afternoon in Portland, met up with another local member of our flock, dback (Dean B.), for iced coffee and lots of scratchin' our Brokeback itches. Showed him photos from Colorado, Wyoming, and Alberta. Photos of Linda Andrews and Michael Flanagan on their horses. Photos of Ennis's truck that EDelMar owns.
Had a pile of stones from Aguirre's parking lot in Cowley to mess around with on the table as we talked and talked and talked, thinking of you all. Brokeback got us good!
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Ennis is who rules the lives of many of us, stalling us where we are.
No, all you Ennis' out there....please keep kicking yourselves in the ass...you must move on..you MUST tell yourself that it CAN change....making little steps at a time,that's all !!
Let's keep watching our movie and keep saying..."Well,I won't"
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No, all you Ennis' out there....please keep kicking yourselves in the ass...you must move on.. you MUST tell yourself that it CAN change....making little steps at a time,that's all !!
So true, Nellie..
I've signed over the house to my wife, will eventually pay off the £20,000 ($40,000) debts we ran up, and move into a rented room on October 1st. Some may say it's out of guilt but no, I think its's the right thing to do so I did it. On paper I ain't got nuthin to my name..
What I have got (and always had) is the love and support of my family, no more hidden longings and the freedom to be my true self. The fear of isolation and loneliness was all just needlessly amplified in my mind. I'm not saying it will be as good an outcome for all Ennis' here, but it's only when you know you're living an authentic life that you realise what a self-imposed hell you were existing in. I'm at peace for the first time in my life, I really am.
I haven't watched Brokeback for some time.. probably because it would remind me of the dark place I was in when I first saw it, and there's been no shortage of tearful moments and dramatic scenes in my own life to deal with.. But it will always be 'my' defining movie - 'our' movie.
Andy
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What I have got (and always had) is the love and support of my family, no more hidden longings and the freedom to be my true self. The fear of isolation and loneliness was all just needlessly amplified in my mind. I'm not saying it will be as good an outcome for all Ennis' here, but it's only when you know you're living an authentic life that you realise what a self-imposed hell you were existing in. I'm at peace for the first time in my life, I really am.
Andy, it is so good to see you begin this period of growth! Congratulations on taking these steps!
Good things will happen for you!
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No, all you Ennis' out there....please keep kicking yourselves in the ass...you must move on.. you MUST tell yourself that it CAN change....making little steps at a time,that's all !!
So true, Nellie..
I've signed over the house to my wife, will eventually pay off the £20,000 ($40,000) debts we ran up, and move into a rented room on October 1st. Some may say it's out of guilt but no, I think its's the right thing to do so I did it. On paper I ain't got nuthin to my name..
What I have got (and always had) is the love and support of my family, no more hidden longings and the freedom to be my true self. The fear of isolation and loneliness was all just needlessly amplified in my mind. I'm not saying it will be as good an outcome for all Ennis' here, but it's only when you know you're living an authentic life that you realise what a self-imposed hell you were existing in. I'm at peace for the first time in my life, I really am.
I haven't watched Brokeback for some time.. probably because it would remind me of the dark place I was in when I first saw it, and there's been no shortage of tearful moments and dramatic scenes in my own life to deal with.. But it will always be 'my' defining movie - 'our' movie.
Andy
Andy hon,
I can't begin to tell you how very proud I am of you. You know you always have to listen to your heart;your instincts. Life is never easy but when you do what's best for yourself,or try to at least...it sure makes life a bit easier. Although it may take longer for others..it's still the right step towards your happiness. You're on the right track hon,and the fact that you have such a loving and supportive family...why heck,you will never fail.
You just wait and see now how things will all come to play,always be truthful to yourself and it will show thru your eyes...your smile..someone will notice "you"....
Good luck ,sweetheart...we're here for you
Nellie :-*
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Andy, I'm so happy for you, for accepting and living the authentic life you are entitiled to.
As Nellie said, we are here to help along the way. :-* :-* :-*
-Jackie
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I've signed over the house to my wife, will eventually pay off the £20,000 ($40,000) debts we ran up, and move into a rented room on October 1st. Some may say it's out of guilt but no, I think it's the right thing to do so I did it. On paper I ain't got nuthin to my name..
...
Andy
Hello Andy!
Thanks for keeping us updated on your "happenings".
Your comment that "it's the right thing to do, so I did it" shows what calibre of man you are!
Congratulations! For quite a while now there has been a discussion on the "Masculine and Gay: Mutually Exclusive?" thread about masculinity. That sort of integrity I find to be very masculine!
Yes, I know that my dear DesertRat will probably chime in here and point out the sexism in such a statement - but NO Martina, I am NOT inferring that such high-integrity is not part of being female also; just that to me it connotes a wonderful masculine strength; which is lacking in many males (just ask all of those wives who have to fight through child support to get anything for the children of the relationship).
Andy, I agree with your thinking about signing over your share of the house to your wife, as she will be using it I assume to continue to provide a home for your children. Many years ago when discussing a similar, but only hypothetical situation with some friends, they felt that I was stupid for saying that in a context similar to yours, I would be HAPPY for my wife to have the home to bring up the children in; and that as my life's work had been primarily to obtain and provide a marital home and that I no longer needed one, then it would be only fair to give it to them with no strings attached; and to start out trying to obtain something smaller just for myself for the future. But as I said, that was all a hypothetical discussion. In fact my wife has said many times that she KNOWS that I wouldn't separate from her, because I would not want to lose my few assets. Ha ha. But I know that although she has good reason for such cynicism; that in this case she would be wrong.
Keep well Andy; and all the best for your future NEW LIFE!
JohnnyX.
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Well, I would say that Brokeback continues to affect me most every day and sometimes in ways that it did not affect me the day before or the day after the present day. I remember seeing an ad that the movie was going to come out and I made a note of it. I did not see it until the day before the Oscars. I had no idea the affect that it would have on me then and on me now. I had been in an Ennis/Jack type relationship since November of 2000 and actually that still continues now the first day of September 2007. Brokeback showed me what I am in, but I guess it didn't provide the answer. Instead, it provided a lot of tears like it still does now. My guy is the Ennis and yes he did see the movie, but it did not have the magical affect of making him see anything more clearly. It did me, but I still continue on loving him and thinking that one day it might all change. Like Jack, I keep thinking that it will. Nobody knows the future so maybe it will, but if I were betting I would doubt it. My name is Jack and he even tells me that he liked that guy the best cause he thought he reminded him of me. I hate to think that one day down the road that he is going to realize how much I really did mean to him when it is too late. Sometimes, many times, I think I need to move on with my life, but the thing is that I love this guy so much. Getting involved with the BBM groups and doing a lot of travel has helped me, but it is of the upmost importance that wherever I am that I can talk with him.
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Well, I would say that Brokeback continues to affect me most every day and sometimes in ways that it did not affect me the day before or the day after the present day. I remember seeing an ad that the movie was going to come out and I made a note of it. I did not see it until the day before the Oscars. I had no idea the affect that it would have on me then and on me now. I had been in an Ennis/Jack type relationship since November of 2000 and actually that still continues now the first day of September 2007. Brokeback showed me what I am in, but I guess it didn't provide the answer. Instead, it provided a lot of tears like it still does now. My guy is the Ennis and yes he did see the movie, but it did not have the magical affect of making him see anything more clearly. It did me, but I still continue on loving him and thinking that one day it might all change. Like Jack, I keep thinking that it will. Nobody knows the future so maybe it will, but if I were betting I would doubt it. My name is Jack and he even tells me that he liked that guy the best cause he thought he reminded him of me. I hate to think that one day down the road that he is going to realize how much I really did mean to him when it is too late. Sometimes, many times, I think I need to move on with my life, but the thing is that I love this guy so much. Getting involved with the BBM groups and doing a lot of travel has helped me, but it is of the upmost importance that wherever I am that I can talk with him.
Hello Jack.
Wow! Thank you for posting here -- well over a year since you saw the film, and you have been reading here all this time! Phew! I thought that I was slow in posting when I read back postings for about 7 months before joining up and finally posting in here.
Jack: your story sounds so sad, with the limited details which you provide here; and yet it also sounds excellent that you have both been "together" in whatever way for almost 7 years! That is a huge achievement. But I guess that a lot will depend upon the definition of "together".
What I mean is that if you are both an "item" emotionally and sexually, but just live in separate accommodations, when you might prefer that you live together; then that can be seen as a successful relationship -- even though it doesn't reach to your desired level. To my mind that would be analogous to the 20-year relationship which Jack and Ennis had; and it looks like you two might also make at least that 20-year "record" for yourselves.
Similarly, if at least one of you is already in another committed relationship, but you still see each other fairly regularly for sex; then I think that the analogy also applies.
BUT if you desire him, and have done so for 7 years, but he will not come across; THEN the situation does indeed sound so sad.
Somehow I expect that my hypotheses here probably do not touch anywhere close to the realities of your situation; so would you be willing to expand a bit more on it, please Jack; as with a fuller picture, some of us in here might be able to offer attempts at appropriate thoughts in reply.
Regardless, thank you for having the courage to finally write in here what you have. I do hope that doing that might have been cathartic for you -- just to be able to share it!
Regards: JohnnyX.
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Jack, thanks for taking the time to post up your story!
Sending you positive vibes and good wishes!
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Well, I would say that Brokeback continues to affect me most every day and sometimes in ways that it did not affect me the day before or the day after the present day. I remember seeing an ad that the movie was going to come out and I made a note of it. I did not see it until the day before the Oscars. I had no idea the affect that it would have on me then and on me now. I had been in an Ennis/Jack type relationship since November of 2000 and actually that still continues now the first day of September 2007. Brokeback showed me what I am in, but I guess it didn't provide the answer. Instead, it provided a lot of tears like it still does now. My guy is the Ennis and yes he did see the movie, but it did not have the magical affect of making him see anything more clearly. It did me, but I still continue on loving him and thinking that one day it might all change. Like Jack, I keep thinking that it will. Nobody knows the future so maybe it will, but if I were betting I would doubt it. My name is Jack and he even tells me that he liked that guy the best cause he thought he reminded him of me. I hate to think that one day down the road that he is going to realize how much I really did mean to him when it is too late. Sometimes, many times, I think I need to move on with my life, but the thing is that I love this guy so much. Getting involved with the BBM groups and doing a lot of travel has helped me, but it is of the upmost importance that wherever I am that I can talk with him.
Jack,
Don't ever stop talking to your man, whatever happens...whether you are meant to be together for the short or long term...TALK to him, understand him, love him..for that is what counts, my friend...understanding and love...so try and hold on, as hard as you can, for as long as you can...and know we will be here to help, as long as we can.
-Jackie
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Friday...
A close encounter of the Brokeback Kind...
While hosting a Vancouver member of the Cullen site, Lyle Benzely (Platitudes), I gave him a pin to wear that proclaims "I (heart) Jack and Ennis". Inside a video store, a tall drink of water approached us. He said, with great enthusiasm, "I'd surely love to have a pin like that. I belong to a web site devoted to Brokeback Mountain." "Oh," we said grinning, "which one?". "Dave Cullen," he replied. "It's all yours, Buddy," I said, asking Lyle to unpin it and hand it over. "Lyle, Don't worry. There are several more at home." The fellow identified himself as Sagebrush Dan, one of our members, and proudly pinned it on.
Hot damn!
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That's so neat, Larry!
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Sagebrush Dan has four posts, though he has been a member for a long time. Thank you, Dan, for being here, and for talking to Larry and Lyle, and for loving Brokeback. :-* :-* :-*
-Jackie
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You mean we don't have to post everyday to be remembered here? haha.........great news and story Oregondoggie.
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Andy, I agree with your thinking about signing over your share of the house to your wife, as she will be using it I assume to continue to provide a home for your children. Many years ago when discussing a similar, but only hypothetical situation with some friends, they felt that I was stupid for saying that in a context similar to yours, I would be HAPPY for my wife to have the home to bring up the children in; and that as my life's work had been primarily to obtain and provide a marital home and that I no longer needed one, then it would be only fair to give it to them with no strings attached
Hi Johnny,
From the outset, we wanted the mimimum upheval from the children's P.O.V., and no legal wrangling over maintenance for them. The house is worth $300,000, and my wife will take on a smaller mortgage in her name to pay off the remaining $90,000 mortgage we had together. Effectively a $210,000 settlement.
Although I will pay no formal maintenance, I will pay for 'ad hoc' needs the children have - school trips, uniforms, holidays etc. We'll only divorce if my wife wants to remarry - Minimum of 'legal' steps is the best way at the moment.
From my own perspective, although I will always be closely involved with my wife and children and stay local, I'm glad I no longer have the commitment of a mortgage - I feel I need to be able to 'move about' at the drop of a hat by lodging for a couple of years, need to feel more in control of my surroundings in a way.
Jack,
I hate to think that one day down the road that he is going to realize how much I really did mean to him when it is too late. Sometimes, many times, I think I need to move on with my life, but the thing is that I love this guy so much.
I hope you can find a way forward with your partner.. All I can suggest is to keep the lines of communication open, and make sure he is in no doubt about how you feel. It's risky - you might not like what he has to say but at least you tried.
All the best,
Andy
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Hello all,
Just wanted to share something with you folks.
We all wondered if it's too late for love,or maybe if "I should of done it when I was younger"...or..."what if" ...all that stupid stuff that crawls into our brains....well ,I rec'd a phone call from a buddy of mine that I used to work with in my old job. She gave me some great news.
I worked with another lady a few years back.She retired a few years ago.Was married ,had kids;they're all older than me right now.She led a miserable life...her husband wasn't very nice to her. He had died a few years back and she lived alone...depressed,her health started failing her. She wanted to give up. We would call her to check up on her,trying to keep her spirits up. She would always say she was going to stop by for some coffee but never did...I always felt guilty I never had enough time to stop by her place. But I always said...girlfriend,you're never to old for nothing...she'd laugh and say "yeah right..you're not 79 years old,lady Jane"...she would say...bwahhaha....well,guess what?....she's GETTING MARRIED!!! whewwww..I almost fell off my chair,in fact I was speechless....she decided to go for it...was friends with a nice gentleman....always liked him,wondered what her kids would say..if only!! WHO CARES!!! He treats her so nice and she said she has never felt so young in all her life....how sad...They finally decided that life is too short,especially when you're 79 years old...good grief...he's 80!! God Bless them!!
So you see?...Life is too short...and it's never too late for love...never too late to change your life!!
Nellie ;D
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great story nell and very happy for that woman.the grandma of a friend of mine got a new "boyfriend" ;) at 90, so everything is possible.
but i really hope i will meet her a bit sooner ;) so far no luck yet! sometimes i just don`t understand women. two weeks ago i send out a message to a girl on a site/forum and what you do you think just no response at all,not even i`m not interested or youre not my type,or whatever,just total neglect and i so hate that!! :-\ have had that three times now,so have had enough for a while! i`m gonna write her a new message how much she dissapointed me!(cause she really had this friendly,open face and profile)
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I really understand you Conny darling, something similar happened to me as well....and it's always so painful!
Can't help wondering why people don't have the courage to be more direct?
But maybe she was just too busy, or had comp problems, or she's confused, or........let's try to think positive!
Hugs hugs hugs and have a nice day!
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I really understand you Conny darling, something similar happened to me as well....and it's always so painful!
Can't help wondering why people don't have the courage to be more direct?
But maybe she was just too busy, or had comp problems, or she's confused, or........let's try to think positive!
Hugs hugs hugs and have a nice day!
oh yes i have thought on all of that,but on that site you can see when someones has been on the site and has read your message and in two weeks time she has read it and has been on the site on daily basis,so enough time i think ;)
and this was the thirth time it happenend,so i wrote her a new message that i wish her all the best but am done with it,somewhat the same words as i put here.
it wasnt even that painfull,but with me it always takes some time before i find the courage to write a message so then it at least is nice to get an answer,wheater its positive or negative,i dont care. i just hate it to be left in the dark.
for that point i guess men are much more direct. ;)
hugs back at ya :)
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for that point i guess men are much more direct. ;)
Uhhh...not sure about that one hon...!! ;)
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but on that site you can see when someones has been on the site and has read your message and in two weeks time she has read it and has been on the site on daily basis,so enough time i think
LOL.......(not laughing at you of course!) I've seen this all, too!
and I don't know, yes, maybe men ARE more direct (not always) and that's something I appreciate....well I've learned to be more direct myself (mostly as a consequence of this movie, forum and the mayhem that they caused in me) but then sometimes, after I've spoken - or written - I bite my lips but its too late!!
.....not easy! I wish you good luck, and hope at least you get an honest answer! if you need to pour yourself out with a perfect stranger....feel free to do it! PM me or else! xx
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cool, found someone with the same experience, so i`m not an alien ;)
i dont need an answer any more, after i wrote her the second message,i was done with it and then i move on and am also done with internet dating for a while ;)
i also never was that direct and still am not all the time, and i always think before i talk, but i do express my feelings and am always honest. and when some one takes the time to send me a pm or message or whatever i at least can give them an answer.
thats all about being polite.
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Friday...
A close encounter of the Brokeback Kind...
Hi there,
Finally found this post, thank you Painted Shoes.
Great video store, by the way. One of the few independents left. Has an incredibly wide range of videos, plus movie memorabilia — including one of the knives used in Psycho, the hat worn by Tony Curtis from Some Like it Hot, the "curtains" dress that Julie Andrews wore in The Sound of Music when they sang "Do Re Mi", and so on and so on.
Sorry to threadjack, but glad to be here.
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No, not "threadjacking," Dan....glad you are here, and I'm Jackie, by the way...
I tried to pm you, but was told you restricted my pm's. Glitch, or dontcha like me? ;)
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I tried to pm you, but was told you restricted my pm's. Glitch, or dontcha like me? ;)
It was a glitch and it is now fixed. PM away.
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So, you answered my pm, so all is well. :D :-*
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By the way, Dan, love your avatar, Remington, right? Or is it Russell?
mod: former avatar
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I find myself in a quandery and a conundrum...silly, I know, but that is the way of it.
Since I was I child, the oldest of 8 siblings, I was the peace-keeper, the second parent, the one who helped.
I have found that to be true all my life. I am the peace-keeper, the second parent, the one who helped.
The problem for me has become: I am the the peace-keeper, the second parent, the one who helped.
I am so lucky, in so many ways. I have made friends here that I would never have thought possible. Men, women, who like me, who care about me.
But.....when I have performed the function for which I was intended...(see above)...I am no longer needed....no longer wanted...I am superfluous....I am the peace-keeper, the second parent, the one who helped.
So....I am in trouble, because part of me wants to believe this nonsense and most of me dismisses it for the nonsense it is...
Any ideas, anyone?
RATS! I hate this vulnerability....but, I need help. :-\
and I'm going to bed, cause I can't deal with any more tonight.
I love this place so much....
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Jackie...
Two brothers before me, both developmentally disabled. One sister after me who has suffered emotional and psychological disabilities all her life. I've felt alone all my days, the one in charge much of the time when I was a child as my parents were divorced, raised by my mother who was not entirely there.
Aside from friends, many of them I met through this forum, I have no family. Self reliant, for the most part, too independant, too alone. A product of what was, and continues to be.
I am heading to San Francisco in the morning to spend some time with some of these same people. It's gonna be a blast, I know that! But I'll come back home Tuesday evening, back to the apartment with a dog, two cats, a bird and a bunch of buddhist statues, alone.
I will wake up chatting with Nick, though, while he's at work in Ipswich. He, Nick, is the one who makes waking up each afternoon worth while. It's him and our future together that makes the days beyond a bit more pleasant.
I'm thinking who we are, as we are, has a reason. Growing into our purpose should be our trek. Sometimes the hills on the way get a bit overwhelming, but those we meet along the path can certainly push us forward, if we allow them to.
Here's to breathing, Big Sis!
Love you!
Your Lil Bro,
Rob
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Jackie...
Two brothers before me, both developmentally disabled. One sister after me who has suffered emotional and psychological disabilities all her life. I've felt alone all my days, the one in charge much of the time when I was a child as my parents were divorced, raised by my mother who was not entirely there.
Aside from friends, many of them I met through this forum, I have no family. Self reliant, for the most part, too independant, too alone. A product of what was, and continues to be.
I am heading to San Francisco in the morning to spend some time with some of these same people. It's gonna be a blast, I know that! But I'll come back home Tuesday evening, back to the apartment with a dog, two cats, a bird and a bunch of buddhist statues, alone.
I will wake up chatting with Nick, though, while he's at work in Ipswich. He, Nick, is the one who makes waking up each afternoon worth while. It's him and our future together that makes the days beyond a bit more pleasant.
I'm thinking who we are, as we are, has a reason. Growing into our purpose should be our trek. Sometimes the hills on the way get a bit overwhelming, but those we meet along the path can certainly push us forward, if we allow them to.
Here's to breathing, Big Sis!
Love you!
Your Lil Bro,
Rob
Oh, my darling brother,
You always put things in perspective for me. Thank you, my friend. I'm breathing.
Your big sis,
Jackie
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((((jackie)))) darling you are so needed by so many people and you mean the world to me!! and was there for me always in the past, you were the one who helped me on those lonely night a while ago,when i was so deperate. You were there every night to talk to me,to listen en give me faith and hope. And it was so good to hear your voice when i was at brad`s. You indeed care a lot,youre always the first with a card, a phonecall.
I guess you really would have been some place else this weekend right and i so know how you feel!!
But know there are always people out here for you and i think it was a huge step to write this down and ask for help!!
Know that i love you hon!! and one day we meet again! it just sucks sometimes that money keeps us from doing things we love so much or meeting people we need to see.
so hang in there baby it will get better!!
:-* :-* :-* from another lonely soul!! we just keep on fighting and one day you too will find love again!! keep the faith! :-*
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a heartfelt observation from another "professional" caretaker.
it is both a joy and the pain of seeing someone so fulling come into themselves that they no longer require the love we have lavished on them. it is right and fitting that they move on and live without the training wheels. i have come to know this in personal life, and particularly in AA. the babies my fly.
here's something else i learned. if we have done our jobs well, and let go with as much grace as we can muster, they eventually come back in gratitude. not only that, they often carry on the love they received, by passing it on to the next hurting soul.
paying it forward doesn't always net a reward we can see, but it always bears fruit.
jack
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Conny, darling, thank you. I HAVE felt better all day. I guess I was just in a lonely place last night, feeling sorry for myself, just a little. Your words, and Rob's and those of the dear friends who pm'd me mean the world to me.
Jack, you are absolutely right! Thank you.
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A person who runs into a burning building and rescues a mother and child in 1980 is a hero, and in that year everyone knows it. In 2007, that person still ran into that building a quarter century ago. Yeah, folks may say 'who' and a few may reply, 'don't you remember?', but the bottom line is, such heroism, while certainly forgotton, will forever be with that child and mother and hopefully not forgotton by that very hero.
Brad
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I had wanted to get past my recent outburst quietly...but...
Several dear friends here are under the assumption that my comments referred to someone here on the Forum. At first, I did not comment on that, but, it became a more common theme. That is not the case. I re-read my post and can see how this conclusion was drawn. I apologise. The issue concerns a young woman of my acquaintance who needed my help, which was freely given, along with my friendship, which was accepted, then simply, she moved on. Or, as Jack put it, she moved on with her life, without the training wheels, and I did not want to accept that. I see it more clearly now, and I am very grateful to all of you for your concern.
The End.... ;)
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i'm glad to hear that, jackie. yes, sometimes it hurts when we have to let people go - or if they just move on without us. but i hope you know (even if sometimes it is soooo hard to convince your heart) that there are many people here who love you just for the person you are, no expectations or anything, we just love YOU. :) :-* :-* :-*
but your post rang a bell for me - something that is weighting on my heart for quite a while now. i'm not sure i can express it the right way, but i'll try. when i joined this forum, i was, like you, a caretaker, a peacekeeper, a compassionate soul through and through. it was so easy to be compassionate with everybody, to live just for others - so much that i lost myself in it. but the movie changed me. it showed me that i have to be true to myself, have to be the person i am and go my way in life - because even compassion with others can become a trailer in which life is very, very lonely.
but the more i grew myself, the more i decided to take my life in my own hands, the harder it became to just pet everybody's hand and backs and tell them how much i admire them and how much i feel for them. i came to the point where i felt "wait. and who feels for me ?" please, don't get me wrong, i don't want or need outbursts of love and compassion now, please, i am a big girl. ;) but i came to turning points. moments where i had to stand up for myself. against the "general opinion", moments, when i felt that this place was no place for me any more. moments, where it was not enough any more for me to be the wonderful, compassionate, loving woman. and those moments drove me away from the forum.
i'm now living in between things - on one side, i am so happy about the wonderful people i met here, the friendships that were so generously offered to me - and my own, personal needs. i can't find an easy solution to that, so i'll live with it. i'm still very grateful for finding this place, and i don't regret a minute of it. but i'm also grateful for the life i won now - finally, i feel strong and happy.
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Hmmmmm....reading these past posts on this Forum is like coming out of my head type of thing....did I say that right?...lol
Jackie,my dear hermana, Come here,let me hug you...(((Jackie))).....
Sweetie,I have to tell you,and you know damn well why we love each other so,we have many similar thoughts,concerns,paranoia,whatever you call it...lol....but the past couple of weeks I have felt very alone in my little world. I too have always been the one people talk to,the one people come venting to,I'm the middle child of 4,but my dad always said I was different....yeah ,yeah,different didn't mean anything to me..never understood why;how. My two sisters are closer to each other than I am with them...they go out and don't invite me,thinking I'm too busy with my hubby and kids,so why bother asking me...it hurts...and yeah,they're right...they're both divorced....one has no kids the older has grown kids....me,I'm in the middle...once again. This week they decided to take a mini vacation up to Wisconsin for a few days...never asked me if I can go,even if I had said no,it was nice to get asked...and it hurts once again....I guess my problem is that I should have a small talk with them...but I'm tired of always being the peace maker,always being the first one. Just tired....my hubby gets furious with them but I'm the one that makes excuses for them..."oh,it's okay hon"..."I'd say..they're not mean in that way...they mean well".....he doesn't like when my feelings get hurt.....at times he would catch me crying silently...on other stupid things they do,unintentionally...oh well,that's life...toughen up...there's more worse things out there to fuss about anyway.
But I"m happy,don't get me wrong...my life is filled with other things.....but it's just a balance you need...just like in here...friends
And yeah at times I feel the same way in here....always the one to write first...always the one to PM first....waiting for a response...nothing....and when that response comes in days later,if at all...it's okay...I smile and think it was said with a good heart.
Jackie...I understand when you say you no longer feel needed...yeah...same here kiddo. but we mustn't put ourselves thru all this torment....I told myself I can't any longer, even though it does hurt sometimes...hell,you know people still care...and some will never forget you...or me or the next person. And it's okay to to think of it as nonsense....we're caring fools,so soft hearted that at times you wonder what made you this way...these people in here?...no...we were always this way dear heart....but it's the kind souls and the many wonderful friends we made in here...in this Forum...as many a times this Forum will change...our hearts are still captured in here....it's these people in here from all over the world that has made us who we are today,hermana...and that's something NO ONE can take away from us...how many doubts we may have over the course of the years....hell...go ahead and doubt,that's normal....someone out there is thinking of you even if you never did know....when I look up in that beautiful dark sky and see all those gorgeous stars up there...as clear as ever...I know one of my amigos may be looking at that same star...making a wish as I am....and that makes me smile....and silently I make a wish for them as well,just in case they don't have the time...I say.."Ohhh...this one's for Jackie....for Jari...for Wayne...for Conny...for Brad...Terry...Gerry....Mitchie....Lenny....Fritzie....Robbie...Sal...Nikko.....Lord have Mercy....I'll take up this whole thread naming all the names that mean the world to me.............bwahahahhah
Nellie...XOXOXOX
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i'm glad to hear that, jackie. yes, sometimes it hurts when we have to let people go - or if they just move on without us. but i hope you know (even if sometimes it is soooo hard to convince your heart) that there are many people here who love you just for the person you are, no expectations or anything, we just love YOU. :) :-* :-* :-*
but your post rang a bell for me - something that is weighting on my heart for quite a while now. i'm not sure i can express it the right way, but i'll try. when i joined this forum, i was, like you, a caretaker, a peacekeeper, a compassionate soul through and through. it was so easy to be compassionate with everybody, to live just for others - so much that i lost myself in it. but the movie changed me. it showed me that i have to be true to myself, have to be the person i am and go my way in life - because even compassion with others can become a trailer in which life is very, very lonely.
but the more i grew myself, the more i decided to take my life in my own hands, the harder it became to just pet everybody's hand and backs and tell them how much i admire them and how much i feel for them. i came to the point where i felt "wait. and who feels for me ?" please, don't get me wrong, i don't want or need outbursts of love and compassion now, please, i am a big girl. ;) but i came to turning points. moments where i had to stand up for myself. against the "general opinion", moments, when i felt that this place was no place for me any more. moments, where it was not enough any more for me to be the wonderful, compassionate, loving woman. and those moments drove me away from the forum.
i'm now living in between things - on one side, i am so happy about the wonderful people i met here, the friendships that were so generously offered to me - and my own, personal needs. i can't find an easy solution to that, so i'll live with it. i'm still very grateful for finding this place, and i don't regret a minute of it. but i'm also grateful for the life i won now - finally, i feel strong and happy.
Martina, my Sunshine, I understand where you are now...I have been there as well, my dear sister.
I am, by nature, the caregiver, the protector, the helper...it is who I am, but!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I learned, with great difficulty, that this is NOT the only way to be..I forgot that, for a bit, due to the young woman I told about, but it is still true...
You, my darling sister, are entitled to be WHO you are, not what others, or even you, yourself, expect you to be. You are obligated to be true to yourself. It need not be at the expense of the nurturing side of yourself...the two are not mutually exclusive...
I am reminded of an old song. Please forgive me for quoting it here, but I find it to be relevant:
"You are my Sunshine, my only Sunshine,
You make me happy, when skies are gray.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my Sunshine away,"
_Jackie
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Nellie, darling...
I love you, mi hermana, and that is all there is!!!!!!!!!
Because "mi hermana" means my sister, and like my Martina, you are the sister of my heart. Bless you, honey. :-* :-* :-*
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can`t seem to find some words right now, but those starrs nell i look at them too and think the same thing sometimes ;) :-*
as for your sisters,i do think you must talk to them,you know life is all about communication!! and maybe they dont really know,they just assume and unless you`ve told them otherwise things never will change. just talk to them about your feelings and who knows what happens!
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jackie, thank you for the lovely song... :) :-*
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Good evening my dearest people.
For the last two months I have been avoiding to come back in here for the fear of relapsing into my first Brokeback sickness (whatever that was). Also because the previous thread was too vast for a late comer to catch up with.
I tried to put in writing a text about “me” just to get my mind straight. I first thought about sharing it with you here but then I gave it a second thought “Who wants to hear all this crap?”. I am sometimes accused in real life for talking about it and boring others .
But since it’s a forum, you readers have the choice whether to read or not.
I decided to expose a part of me here. I always had difficulty letting unhappy memories go. I remember things that are not worth remembering. I do not want to be haunted from bad times from years back but they keep coming back. Some people say it’s good to have good memories. Sure, if you don’t have so many bad things to remember.
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When it came to feeling love, I always thought of myself quite behind from everybody else. I was familiar with hate and resentment long before I felt love. I remember one of my first feelings towards my mean and selfish older sister (by two years) was ; “How many more years will I have to live with her?” I thought then “Maybe until I am about 20” and my heart sank. It seemed like eternity because then I was only 6.
Although I do not remember well, I do have a feeling my mother always made herself clear whatever she did or did not do was according to what she felt like doing and never in response to what her family wanted her to. I did not intentionally hide my feelings but did not ask for much either. I knew it would not be given.
When I turned 8, my family moved to New Jersey, US due to my father's work transfer. Three and a half years that followed I was fairly a happy kid. Other from my nasty sister, school was fun and I had friends and was learning a lot. With the kid's ability to adapt and fit in, I picked up the language quickly. Within a year I was not much different from other kids in the local American public school. Went trick-or-treating in Halloween, slumber parties on weekends.
Then my father was to transfer again, that time to LA. We found a nice house in Huntington Beach and made various plans for our move. When school was out, we packed and sent our furniture and everything else in a moving truck off to Huntington Beach. With only one suitcase each, we were to return to Japan to spend the summer with our relatives before starting anew in California.
We were almost ready to catch a flight out to LA, when my father was hospitalized and had to go through a major operation. We ended up stuck in a motel for over a month. My mother never said anything about my father's condition but I sensed something terrible was happening. I could hear her weeping almost every night in the next room of the motel.
We never returned to the US.
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r-g...
i think a return trip is long overdue, don't you?
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We never returned to the US.The house was arranged to be sold by people of my fathers company, receiving months later only a fraction of what we had in it.
After arriving in Japan went straight to live with my fathers folks in Okayama west of Kobe where my parents were from, a part of Japan I was not familiar with. I spent the summer under the belief that we would be going back to Huntington Beach. Summer ended, my father was hospitalized again, I had to start attending the local public school. I remember the first day I came back from school I wept. The whole environment was totally foreign. I was unfamiliar with everything that went on in school. I was behind with my Japanese. I did not know what was expected. Other students stared at me in curiosity. A very young teacher on his first year of teaching had no clue what to do with me. Had it been in a large city, things would have been different, but it was a very small rural town. My sister went to live with my mother's relatives in a larger city to attended a private school with one of our cousins. I stayed with my paternal grandparents. My mother went back and forth between there and the hospital. I did not see her very often nor talked to her how troubled I was. I knew we had a bigger problem coming. My family was all scattered, we did not have a house to live in. Although I had cousins living close by, I was alone.
One night towards the end of the year, my aunt and her husband took my sister and me to the hospital to see our father. When we all got in the cab, my aunt's husband said to the driver, "Please go to the K-City Cancer Center". My aunt gasped and panicked, because the actual name of the hospital did not have Cancer in it. Trying to hush her husband, she said in a low voice, "it's not the cancer center”. But her husband just repeated loudly, “Is that so? Was it not the Cancer center?” My sister and I both stared outside the window of the cab nonchalant. It was early 70’s, cancer was synonym to painful death. None of the relatives dared to utter the word. At the age of 11, I despised my aunt's husband for his imprudence.
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r-g...
i think a return trip is long overdue, don't you?
jack, I know for certain you mean well.
How I hate myself for taking that as an accusation.
It's not you, it's me with a very unstable mind.
Rei-g
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Even now, when I'm sick with a cold or whenever I am not feeling well, my mind goes back to that cold winter I spent with my grandparents. It could not have been colder than New Jersey but in my memory it seem to have been . There, I always got up by myself, the calico cat being the only creature awake in the house in the morning.
One late night I heard the phone ring in the distance. I heard my grandmother's footsteps walking slowly toward our room. She said something to my mother in the next room who started to weep. I heard some noise of my mother collecting things to go somewhere.
She left with my grandmother, dead silence followed and I had to go back to sleep.
The next morning I got up, changed, fixed myself breakfast and went to school. Nobody told me what happened. It happened again, that time I was taken to the hospital. My father somehow made it and I slept on the couch outside his room in the hospital corridor. At dawn I returned, did the same routine and went to school.
My mother did not take me to the hospital when my father died. Later she told me she thought it would be too cruel for a 11-year old to see him go, a decision which I appreciate to now.
Two months later, we left our grandparent's place. After 9 months we had a place to live on our own but I had to change school again. I ended up attending 5 schools in 6 years in 2 countries, never returning to where I had been.
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So much for now. Thanks for listening.
Rei-g
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thank you so much for telling us your story, rei-g. you were completely uprooted as a kid, and even your family didn't provide the warmth and love you would have needed. something like this should never happen to a kid. i know this is a loss you will never be able to recover from but i wish you many, warm-hearted people to give you at least a bit of love and warmth. you certainly deserve it.
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r-g...
i think a return trip is long overdue, don't you?
jack, I know for certain you mean well.
How I hate myself for taking that as an accusation.
It's not you, it's me with a very unstable mind.
Rei-g
r-g...
i am SO sorry if that accidentally stung. you are right that it is NOT accusatory. that's the trouble with im's or pm's or emails; there are no additional cues, like facial expression or tone of voice or physical touch to put the statement in context.
what i meant to convey was both an encouragement and an invitation. in the short time you have been with us (out loud) you have made many friends, and we would LOVE to see you here. i feel sure with the brains and talents and hearts we have assembled that if you began the footwork on your end, together we could find a way to make it happen. while it may be difficult, or even awkward, it is by no means impossible. (unless of course you are incarcerated) .
you have family here you haven't even met yet, and probably some you haven't even talked to yet. i wouldn't even be surprised if you had FANS :o :D...
perhaps you might start by looking into what would have to happen on your end should you elect to try, like vacation time, saving up, or cashing in some assets. it might or might not take some time, but it CAN be made to happen.
after all, with the help of friends, i made it to san francisco, with very limited resources, and under the most unfavorable of circumstances.
just say the word, and the brokeback rangers will get on the job. :-* :-*
jack
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i`m glad you trusted us enough to share your story here rei-g and youre always welcome here,like everybody else is.
you`ve been trough a lot and i`m so sorry you had to go trough all this,mostly alone. children understand zo much,why don`t parents see that? i`m sure you understood later, but it must have hurt a lot not being able to say goodbye to your dad.
(((hugs)))
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Martina, Jack, Conny,
Thank you all for your kind words. I did start this with "My dearest people" and I mean it.
I've been up much too late. I will come back tomorrow.
Good night.
Rei-g
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sweet dreams of brokie meetings, r-g
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Rei-g, my dear sister,
I read your story with such sadness, for you, a child alone, for your mother, unable to cope, for even the sister who hurt you, probably not understanding that she did so.
Life is so cruel sometimes that it can be hard to breathe. I am so grateful that you found us, who can love and cherish the YOU that exists outside the parameters life has dealt you. We are here for you, friend, and sister, always.
(((((((((((((((Rei-g)))))))))))))))))))
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Martina, Jack, Conny,
Thank you all for your kind words. I did start this with "My dearest people" and I mean it.
I've been up much too late. I will come back tomorrow.
looking forward to listening to you again....
((()))
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looking forward to listening to you again....
((()))
Thank you dahlia. Will try to post again soon.
I adore your mammillarias, by the way. :)
Rei-g
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Rei-G, thanks for taking the time to post, and share your past with us. I hope you continue to do so!
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And yeah at times I feel the same way in here....always the one to write first...always the one to PM first....waiting for a response...nothing....and when that response comes in days later,if at all...it's okay...I smile and think it was said with a good heart.
Jackie...I understand when you say you no longer feel needed...yeah...same here kiddo. but we mustn't put ourselves thru all this torment....I told myself I can't any longer, even though it does hurt sometimes...hell,you know people still care...and some will never forget you...or me or the next person. And it's okay to to think of it as nonsense....we're caring fools,so soft hearted that at times you wonder what made you this way...these people in here?...no...we were always this way dear heart....but it's the kind souls and the many wonderful friends we made in here...in this Forum...as many a times this Forum will change...our hearts are still captured in here....it's these people in here from all over the world that has made us who we are today,hermana...and that's something NO ONE can take away from us...how many doubts we may have over the course of the years....hell...go ahead and doubt,that's normal....someone out there is thinking of you even if you never did know....when I look up in that beautiful dark sky and see all those gorgeous stars up there...as clear as ever...I know one of my amigos may be looking at that same star...making a wish as I am....and that makes me smile....and silently I make a wish for them as well,just in case they don't have the time...I say.."Ohhh...this one's for Jackie....for Jari...for Wayne...for Conny...for Brad...Terry...Gerry....Mitchie....Lenny....Fritzie....Robbie...Sal...Nikko.....Lord have Mercy....I'll take up this whole thread naming all the names that mean the world to me.............bwahahahhah
Nellie...XOXOXOX
Hey sweetheart... Only just seen this... You are one of the people that mean the world to me, and touched my heart so so so so much last year, and one of the highlights of the BBQ, and you know it - You know how hard goodby was...
I am always thinking of you, and Sarah and I often talk about you and how wonderful you are...
Love ya LOADS :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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That is it, isn't it, Nellie? We ARE part of each other now. Period. :-*
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hugs and kisses Neldita
N
xxx
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looking forward to listening to you again....
((()))
Thank you dahlia. Will try to post again soon.
I adore your mammillarias, by the way. :)
Rei-g
Wow thanks! (my mammillarias thank you as well....some of them are still in flower :) )
I, too, am not here as often as I would like......time is always so short and, then, there's the language problem for me, it always takes me a while to find the right words in English when I try to express what I feel deep down inside, to rationalize.
Keep in touch! xx
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i'm glad to hear that, jackie. yes, sometimes it hurts when we have to let people go - or if they just move on without us. but i hope you know (even if sometimes it is soooo hard to convince your heart) that there are many people here who love you just for the person you are, no expectations or anything, we just love YOU. :) :-* :-* :-*
but your post rang a bell for me - something that is weighting on my heart for quite a while now. i'm not sure i can express it the right way, but i'll try. when i joined this forum, i was, like you, a caretaker, a peacekeeper, a compassionate soul through and through. it was so easy to be compassionate with everybody, to live just for others - so much that i lost myself in it. but the movie changed me. it showed me that i have to be true to myself, have to be the person i am and go my way in life - because even compassion with others can become a trailer in which life is very, very lonely.
but the more i grew myself, the more i decided to take my life in my own hands, the harder it became to just pet everybody's hand and backs and tell them how much i admire them and how much i feel for them. i came to the point where i felt "wait. and who feels for me ?" please, don't get me wrong, i don't want or need outbursts of love and compassion now, please, i am a big girl. ;) but i came to turning points. moments where i had to stand up for myself. against the "general opinion", moments, when i felt that this place was no place for me any more. moments, where it was not enough any more for me to be the wonderful, compassionate, loving woman. and those moments drove me away from the forum.
i'm now living in between things - on one side, i am so happy about the wonderful people i met here, the friendships that were so generously offered to me - and my own, personal needs. i can't find an easy solution to that, so i'll live with it. i'm still very grateful for finding this place, and i don't regret a minute of it. but i'm also grateful for the life i won now - finally, i feel strong and happy.
Hey Martina,
Sorry I missed this post before... It was absolutely wonderful to see you again at the weekend in Rome... You are a very special lady...
I think we all feel this from time to time with people and posts... Just because BBM brought us all together, there are many things of our upbringings, cultures, and ethos that we will never agree on... And we all have to accept this... There are a number of things that I just don't understand...
All of us, have our own tight groups here, and its certainly always worth coming back for them... I do not think I could ever leave the forum permanently even if I do need to take a break from time to time... BUT as we said in Rome, know this, many of us are now FRIENDS and not just internet mates, so irrespective of the future of the forum we will always be in touch...
Wayne
X
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I love you Wayne...love Sarah...and all you who are so dear to me...you know who you are...I am truly blessed. I think of you so often...you're part of me now....
Nellie XO
And you a part of me...! :-* We will see each other again in the flesh at some point... :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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I think we all feel this from time to time with people and posts... Just because BBM brought us all together, there are many things of our upbringings, cultures, and ethos that we will never agree on... And we all have to accept this... There are a number of things that I just don't understand...
Actually, I was thinking about this the other day.
When the forum started, we were all amazed that we (as we put it) all "got it". We understood the movie and the message, it struck a chord with us all.
In our excitedness and happiness to discover we weren't alone and crazy, we reached out to each other, and made a common ground between us all, and along the way, created these ideal thoughts about each other, and perhaps about ourselves as well.
Truth is, we are all different people, some will get along better with others. But because we created this ideal in our heads, when someone doesn't conform, we are shocked by their behavior and opinions.
Perhaps we need to do more. We found each other here, we formed bonds with each other here.
Now we need to understand that we're different, and accept each other for who we are, warts and all, without judgement.
And we need to keep in mind that not everyone will be friends, but everyone should be civil.
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Another one of these milestone posts, and still really don't have anything to say.
I just simply enjoy being here with you all, writing to you, listening to you, bantering with you, occasionally arguing with you, but mostly loving you all. I'm still astonished as to realize all that has happened since that distant February of last year. Meeting old friends for the first time has become a common phrase here, but is no less true due to its repetition. I have loved meeting each and every one of you whom I have had the privilege to meet in real life, as well as those whom I have not yet met in person, but still hope to.
The only other thing I have to add is the fact that it has impressed the hell out of me to hear of the way a group of former strangers to each other and to our dear friend Rodney have taken him out there in Boulder into their care and hearts, making sure that he got the right treatment for his sudden illness, and providing him with a love that can only speed his healing. All of you out there, you have my deepest respect and appreciation.
Thanks to you all again for being here.
Proceed.
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wayne - you are a very special person to me, and you are right, no matter what will happen with the forum, it will not be able to stop the band of friendship that we forged between us.
thank you, just for being you and for becoming my friend. :-*
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Congrats on the 20000 posts, Fritz!
Chuck and I remember so well when you welcomed us in your home a year ago, with Bitburger beers no less!
For me, you are part of 'How Brokeback Affected Me' - and I suspect for many others as well.
Can't wait to see you again soon.
Hugs,
John and Chuck :-*
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Fritz, sweetheart, for a man who had nothing to say, you had quite plenty and meaningful things to say.
We're here as we are.
Today I read part of a poem... it's a love poem but it seems appropriate
"He is the skin, the shelter
The home and the road to travel
Place to wait for eternity"
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Another one of these milestone posts, and still really don't have anything to say.
Nothing to say?!?...you're so full of it...lol....a man who knows so much,speaks many languages,always has nice and informative things to say ....Fritzie sweetheart,seeing you twice was a joy for me..your hugs,your smile,even with that darn camera of yours following us around.....lol.....you're a treasure...just know that.... :-*
Congrats on your #20,000 amigo !!
Love ya,
Nellie
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Thanks to you all again for being here.
thank YOU for being here, fritz. it has been a pleasure and i'm sure it will continue being one... :)
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I'VE HEARD IT SAID
THAT PEOPLE COME INTO OUR LIVES FOR A REASON
BRINGING SOMETHING WE MUST LEARN
AND WE ARE LED
TO THOSE WHO HELP US MOST TO GROW
IF WE LET THEM
AND WE HELP THEM IN RETURN
WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF I BELIEVE THAT'S TRUE
BUT I KNOW I'M WHO I AM TODAY
BECAUSE I KNEW YOU...
LIKE A COMET PULLED FROM ORBIT
AS IT PASSES A SUN
LIKE A STREAM THAT MEETS A BOULDER
HALFWAY THROUGH THE WOOD
WHO CAN SAY IF I'VE BEEN CHANGED FOR THE BETTER?
BUT BECAUSE I KNEW YOU
I HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR GOOD …(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi44.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff5%2FDiDys%2FJake%2FBrokeback%2520clips%2Fdozeyembracecopy.jpg&hash=d21c67f7aefe67f4a207f37ec61ccd70dd62f8a7)
IT WELL MAY BE
THAT WE WILL NEVER MEET AGAIN
IN THIS LIFETIME
SO LET ME SAY BEFORE WE PART
SO MUCH OF ME
IS MADE OF WHAT I LEARNED FROM YOU
YOU'LL BE WITH ME
LIKE A HANDPRINT ON MY HEART
AND NOW WHATEVER WAY OUR STORIES END
I KNOW YOU HAVE RE-WRITTEN MINE
BY BEING MY FRIEND...
LIKE A SHIP BLOWN FROM ITS MOORING
BY A WIND OFF THE SEA
LIKE A SEED DROPPED BY A SKYBIRD
IN A DISTANT WOOD
WHO CAN SAY IF I'VE BEEN CHANGED FOR THE BETTER?
BUT BECAUSE I KNEW YOU...
I HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR GOOD...
by Stephen Schwartz
[WICKED]
-
Girl...that's beautiful...thank you for that!!
N...XOX
-
Trinket, that is a great post! Thank you!
-
Di, that is so perfect. Thank you, Sister of Mine. :-*
-J
mod: wow, THAT just hit me sideways and knocked the wind out of me, Trink....all of a sudden, I am blubbering like a baby. Maybe because I caught the last part of the film, from the Dozy Embrace on, on tv last night....or maybe just because every word of what you put up is true. :-*
-
:-* :-* :-* Nell, Chuck, Jackie....... :-* :-* :-*
-
i'm glad to hear that, jackie. yes, sometimes it hurts when we have to let people go - or if they just move on without us. but i hope you know (even if sometimes it is soooo hard to convince your heart) that there are many people here who love you just for the person you are, no expectations or anything, we just love YOU. :) :-* :-* :-*
but your post rang a bell for me - something that is weighting on my heart for quite a while now. i'm not sure i can express it the right way, but i'll try. when i joined this forum, i was, like you, a caretaker, a peacekeeper, a compassionate soul through and through. it was so easy to be compassionate with everybody, to live just for others - so much that i lost myself in it. but the movie changed me. it showed me that i have to be true to myself, have to be the person i am and go my way in life - because even compassion with others can become a trailer in which life is very, very lonely.
but the more i grew myself, the more i decided to take my life in my own hands, the harder it became to just pet everybody's hand and backs and tell them how much i admire them and how much i feel for them. i came to the point where i felt "wait. and who feels for me ?" please, don't get me wrong, i don't want or need outbursts of love and compassion now, please, i am a big girl. ;) but i came to turning points. moments where i had to stand up for myself. against the "general opinion", moments, when i felt that this place was no place for me any more. moments, where it was not enough any more for me to be the wonderful, compassionate, loving woman. and those moments drove me away from the forum.
i'm now living in between things - on one side, i am so happy about the wonderful people i met here, the friendships that were so generously offered to me - and my own, personal needs. i can't find an easy solution to that, so i'll live with it. i'm still very grateful for finding this place, and i don't regret a minute of it. but i'm also grateful for the life i won now - finally, i feel strong and happy.
Hey Martina,
Sorry I missed this post before... It was absolutely wonderful to see you again at the weekend in Rome... You are a very special lady...
I think we all feel this from time to time with people and posts... Just because BBM brought us all together, there are many things of our upbringings, cultures, and ethos that we will never agree on... And we all have to accept this... There are a number of things that I just don't understand...
All of us, have our own tight groups here, and its certainly always worth coming back for them... I do not think I could ever leave the forum permanently even if I do need to take a break from time to time... BUT as we said in Rome, know this, many of us are now FRIENDS and not just internet mates, so irrespective of the future of the forum we will always be in touch...
Wayne
X
What he said. Forum or no forum, we are friends, forum-independent, if you will.
You know what you mean to me, my dear, dear, dear Martina, and I do hope and pray that I can be as much of a friend, support, rock to you as you are to me.
Du bisst eine wunderschöne Mensch. Und ich liebe Dich.
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marc: (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi61.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fh55%2Fdesertrat77%2Fsmilies%2Fthkisses6vi.gif&hash=9ce8000705b9a0dcc63c56b07f28254e6d8575f6)
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Another one of these milestone posts, and still really don't have anything to say.
Nothing to say?!?...you're so full of it...lol....a man who knows so much,speaks many languages,always has nice and informative things to say ....Fritzie sweetheart,seeing you twice was a joy for me..your hugs,your smile,even with that darn camera of yours following us around.....lol.....you're a treasure...just know that.... :-*
Congrats on your #20,000 amigo !!
Love ya,
Nellie
What chica loca said!
-
Martina
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
-
gosh. is there a "death by kisses" ? ;D
thanks, nick ! i intend to collect each and every one in real....maybe really soon... ;)
here's a specially big one for you: (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi61.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fh55%2Fdesertrat77%2Fsmilies%2Fthkisses6vi.gif&hash=9ce8000705b9a0dcc63c56b07f28254e6d8575f6), love ya.
-
Ja! Bestimmt!
love ya too
-
gosh. is there a "death by kisses" ? ;D
thanks, nick ! i intend to collect each and every one in real....maybe really soon... ;)
here's a specially big one for you: (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi61.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fh55%2Fdesertrat77%2Fsmilies%2Fthkisses6vi.gif&hash=9ce8000705b9a0dcc63c56b07f28254e6d8575f6), love ya.
I hope I get some too!!!
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
-
good god !!
its a friggin love fest ::) ::)
;)
-
Looks like an orgy to me ;)
-
Well, hell, guys...
Feel free to join in!!!
;D
-
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* >:D
-
LOL!
-
So.....we all love each other. And send kisses. Very true. And we fight...see the Masculine and Gay thread....
We are, I believe, STUCK with each other because we choose to be, whether we fight, disagree, agree, love or dislike, share or not....we are HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I am so grateful, I could, no I DO, cry with joy....because we are here!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have Brokeback....you remember that film, right?...on my DVD player...I watch pieces of it at random, the whole thing as needed, like a prescription: Take visually once daily, as needed.
LOL or Lots of Tears...? ? ?
We are here because of this film, this story, which changed us, which moved us, which healed us, which destroyed who we were....exists...
We are whole, or we are in pieces....because of this experience.
I, for one, would not change one minute of it.
-Jackie
-
Big Sis Jackie...
I sleep with the soundtrack playing in my cd player.
Listen to the short story on audio in the cd player of my car, it's length perfectly long for my commute to and from work. Starts, gets to the halfway point when I arrive, listen to the second half and ending on the way home.
I'm in the midst of reading "Beyond Brokeback" for the first time, finally. Occasionally moves me to tears, reminds me feelings I had, then.
At times I find myself wanting the pain I felt the first times I watched our movie... to remind me where I was then, I guess, things have moved along so much since.
It all still affects me, still, to this day, still wanting to recall those days back "up on Brokeback Mountain."
Hugs with love,
Your Little Brother,
Rob
-
Hugs Hubby
Wifeybird :-*
-
Hugs accepted and returned, warmly, Wifey Bird...
Hubby #2
-
Has anyone used this song for Brokeback's video?!?...from Rascal Flats....What Hurt's The Most
http://www.lyrics.com/lyric.php?id=35024
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Still moves me to tears...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xuugq7fito
-
:'( :'( :'( :'(...please don't get me going....
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http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=7754000
My favourite - sorry Nellie
Sal ;D
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http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=7754000
My favourite - sorry Nellie
Sal ;D
I'm soooo kicking your ass!!...I love Creed,btw.
This movie will ALWAYS Affect me...it's many different songs we use will never be the same....
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rascal flatts... what might have been
(i have seen a better version, but this was close by)
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=232820
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Has anyone used this song for Brokeback's video?!?...from Rascal Flats....What Hurt's The Most
http://www.lyrics.com/lyric.php?id=35024
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j53EuknQfjQ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j53EuknQfjQ).
I found 7 videos on Youtube
http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=BRokeback+what+hurts+the+most&search=Search (http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=BRokeback+what+hurts+the+most&search=Search)
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well... there's another couple hours shot to hell...
everybody hurts is equally well represented, btw.
-
We are here because of this film, this story, which changed us, which moved us, which healed us, which destroyed who we were....exists...
We are whole, or we are in pieces....because of this experience.
Oh yes.
In pieces, today
-
Still moves me to tears...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xuugq7fito
There are truths we can't deny.....and there are places we can't return :'(
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Has anyone used this song for Brokeback's video?!?...from Rascal Flats....What Hurt's The Most
http://www.lyrics.com/lyric.php?id=35024
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j53EuknQfjQ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j53EuknQfjQ).
I found 7 videos on Youtube
http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=BRokeback+what+hurts+the+most&search=Search (http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=BRokeback+what+hurts+the+most&search=Search)
OMG!!! :'( :'( :'( :'(
thank you hon....I just ran out of tears.
-
With Brokeback, We'll never run out of tears!
-
And Now for something completely different.... for many reasons I have been forced to re-evaluate my relationship with the story, movie and the characters. The whole experience. I've been thinking that what if I saw it all wrong, like it was suggested. The the story and the people aren't crosscultural and that they're true in American cultural context only and thus I can't see the story as it is. That in reality the story was not about me and never will be about me because of my nationality, culture, history and language. I saw the movie again on Saturday night and kept thinking: what if I was wrong? What if this was never about me and my life and it had no message to me? That it was for Americans only and that what I saw was something that never was there.
I watched it and it still was, the emotions are the same, if more subdued. like Rob, I don't feel the intensity of the pain like I did when I first saw the movie, such a long time ago. I felt sadness, a different kind of sadness than before. The story and the movie and the music has become part of my soul in a way that my personal sadness is almost inseparable from the sadness I see in the movie. And in a weird way it means that I don't need the movie anymore to get in touch with what I feel and why I feel what I feel. I don't need the movie to feel, because I do feel.
It's no secret that I have been sick. Being ill makes on see things different... the transitions one goes through. The frustrations, the fear, the unfairness of it all, the loss of meaning and purpose that doesn't last long but when you feel it, it's horrifying. Afterwards you know, even though you have never promised anything to any God, didn't make the bargain, you just know that one survived for a reason. Not a big reason, I have no great fate to fulfill, not anything large to accomplish, but to live a good life, a real life, a true life. And I do believe that Brokeback has helped me through this ordeal: I was already aware of the chance, the possibility the urgency or change before I got sick. And it gave me strength to go through all that.
Christine Bryden has written a book called "Who will I be when I die". it's about her being diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease and being forced to face that question: who am I when I have forgot myself and all the people that I love? Thank God I don't have to think about it on those terms, but I do remember thinking when I was wheeled to surgery that I am not yet the man I am going to be when I die. My job now is to become that man.
Change and life is about choice. There are things we can choose and those choices define us more than the things we didn't have any influence. The choices we make and the responsibility we take about them define us: they make us who we are. It's about ownership of one's life. I can't help but thinking of being given a new lease on life. And it gives a responsibility. I have nothing else at my disposal than this one life and when the day truly comes for it to end, I want be able to think that I used it wisely.
Good things need to be invited into your life, crap comes uninvited. It's not only about what you choose to include in your life, it's also about what to exclude. And for me that exclusion is more important, to be able to focus on what counts, what matters, what is true. Like the people and friendships here. This here is human stuff and thus doomed to be not perfect. Some friendships stay forever, some wither and die, that is the nature of human things. But all have touched, all have had meaning, every word, every touch had its time , place and meaning and that'll never get lost.
”Who will I be when I die" is defined by who I was when I lived. Jack and Ennis who couldn't choose different, didn't know how to choose different, the way that would have made the ending different. I can, we can.
I'll no longer chase the will-o-wisp.
Happiness lies here in my own hand.
Day by day, life's circle narrows, closes.
Time stands still now ... weather vane all asleep.
Here before me lies a shadowy way
leading to a house I do not know.
And then you just start walking, knowing that there are people who are walking with you.
-
And then you just start walking, knowing that there are people who are walking with you.
this is true for me as well. and i feel happy, honored and lucky to have people like you walking with me. thank you.
a good question: now, that we're almost going into the third year after the experience - does the story still affect us ? did it ever ? is it our story ?
re-evaluating my thoughts and feelings i can only say: yes, yes and yes. this story is mine. just as it is everybody else's who felt affected by it. it doesn't matter where it is set or under which conditions. I felt affected by it, and that's all that matters. nobody can take that away from me.
the question is: what do i do with this knowledge ? where does it lead me ?
jari, i think you did the right thing with it and the path you chose is a good one. i'm happy with the path i chose. mission accomplished. :)
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Brokeback's message in any language or culture, is don't waste time.
Seems fairly universal to me.
Jari, there are times when the things you say about life and the living of it, touch me more than the film ever did. Brokeback was my wake-up call, friends like you are the legacy.
-
Boris (Jari, I see :) ) surely the contest was highly American, was rooted in there, and yet....
And yet there are works of art, like this one, who take on - I won't say a universal meaning but - a much wider meaning.
I'm not male, I'm not American, I'm not gay, I never had to hide my love, I never suffered so much for an unrequited love and yet.........part of this, in a mysterious way, IS my story. Of love, of longing, of becoming true to oneself.
Yours is a beautiful post.
I didnt know you've been ill. I'm so glad you have recovered.
Keep walking with me, friend.
-
^^^^^^What a post Jari!
It has made me start thinking............. But I'm walking right beside you!!
Sal :-*
-
Jari...I can't find the words yet to express what I feel about your post.
but I'm walking right beside you,amigo.....right beside you
Nellie
-
Lovely, Jari, comme d'habitude... :-*
The biggest effect for me of BBM was the universality and power of love, which had little to do with subject matter being homophobia or the scene being in America.
This forum and all our friendships have taught me to focus where it counts and move on with life. Let's continue to walk together...
John
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Jari speaks wonderfully as always. Yes it does touch us individually. The story has universal characteristics - thank God. That what makes it so profound. That doesn't take away it's "American experience" qualities but shows how all of humanity is linked together.
Some see BBM as a universal tale.
Others see it as an American tale.
It is both of these and more, much more.
-
put one foot in front of the other
and soon you'll be walkin' across the floor
put one foot in front of the other
and soon you'll be walkin' out the door.
-
And then you just start walking, knowing that there are people who are walking with you.
Beautiful post, Jari.
There are always tears when we watch the movie again, but what counts is that when we watch it together or talk about it together, we have each other as friends.
And as Nick said, Don't waste time. We only have this one life, so live it to the fullest. Show the people in your own lives how much you love them, too.
Your post expresses this so well.
-
Jari what a wonderful post...
People look at arts meaning/story/symbolism and imagary in different ways...
To me looking at a film such as BBM, just as a tale of two cowboys in love with each other set in the american west, means that you miss so much..
BBM is a film breaking tortured and forbidden love to its rawest form, and leaving it exposed to the elements... There are so many places the meaning could have been set, in the entire world...
The photography, and setting as described in the novella and portrayed in the film are wonderful and symbolic, and add to the overall ambience, but to me the meaning is so much deeper, and its the thought provoking actions that it has instilled in me, that still move me....
I am so glad to have met you and so many others here... I hope that you will always be my friend...
W
X
-
People look at arts meaning/story/symbolism and imagary in different ways...
To me looking at a film such as BBM, just as a tale of two cowboys in love with each other set in the american west, means that you miss so much..
BBM is a film breaking tortured and forbidden love to its rawest form, and leaving it exposed to the elements... There are so many places the meaning could have been set, in the entire world...
The photography, and setting as described in the novella and portrayed in the film are wonderful and symbolic, and add to the overall ambience, but to me the meaning is so much deeper, and its the thought provoking actions that it has instilled in me, that still move me....
Beautifully put... couldn't have phrased it any better.
Thanks, guys...
-
Kiitoksia paljon, Jari ystäväni. So proud to call you friend I could just bust wide open.
-
<snip>
Change and life is about choice. There are things we can choose and those choices define us more than the things we didn't have any influence. The choices we make and the responsibility we take about them define us: they make us who we are. It's about ownership of one's life. I can't help but thinking of being given a new lease on life. And it gives a responsibility. I have nothing else at my disposal than this one life and when the day truly comes for it to end, I want be able to think that I used it wisely.
Good things need to be invited into your life, crap comes uninvited. It's not only about what you choose to include in your life, it's also about what to exclude. And for me that exclusion is more important, to be able to focus on what counts, what matters, what is true. Like the people and friendships here. This here is human stuff and thus doomed to be not perfect. Some friendships stay forever, some wither and die, that is the nature of human things. But all have touched, all have had meaning, every word, every touch had its time , place and meaning and that'll never get lost.
And then you just start walking, knowing that there are people who are walking with you.
My dear friend, I am crying as I read this, because I am a sloppy sentimentalist...and because you speak truth. And I will walk beside you, as long as you allow.
Brokeback's message in any language or culture, is don't waste time.
Seems fairly universal to me.
Jari, there are times when the things you say about life and the living of it, touch me more than the film ever did. Brokeback was my wake-up call, friends like you are the legacy.
What Nick said! ^^^
I still carry your words with me, every day, since Feb of 2006, and they are still true...
As are the people here who LIVE each day, because of what we learned from Brokeback and, more importantly, from each other. We are true to ourselves, and each other.
-
By the way, Jari....
How the hell do you DO that? Present thoughts and emotions that so many of us feel, but are not quite able to express.
I guess it does not matter, how, or why, only that you do represent the best for so many of us, and that you are maybe the best part of us all....not the ONLY good part, mind you...don't want you getting a swelled head or anything... :D
I love you, friend. I believe that I always will.
-
I forwarded Jari's post to a few friends. I got a reply from one of them and I'd like to share it here. I don't know why she doesn't want to log in and post herself. I won't mention her name, and I'm sure she doesn't mind that I do this.
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John, Jari's words have struck a chord in my heart. Once again Brokeback has made more than just an impact in a person's life. Brokeback helped Jari when he thought there might be no hope. The fact that the movie made people really look at themselves and their lives, however, has changed his life, and your life and so many others. In a way it has changed my life also. I understand more of what you and others have had to go through in life. It has made me understand so much better how other people's prejudices hurt those we love and care about. I hope that I have lived my life being true to myself and that I have treated others in such a way that I will have had a positive impact on peoples lives. We do only have this one life to live. I came to that realization a few years ago when my husband was on life support for almost 21 days after his quintuple bypass, and when that doctor tore my artery during my heart cath. I don't take anything for granted any more. God gave me a choice to live my life whatever way I choose and I choose to live it to the fullest as much as possible. I will always let people know that I love them because you never know when you'll loose them.So understand, my dear John, that when I say I love you and will always accept you for who you are and not how others want you to be, I mean it with my whole heart. You are a beautiful person inside and out and I am blessed to have you in my life.
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Kiitoksia paljon, Jari ystäväni. So proud to call you friend I could just bust wide open.
Whut Fritz said ↑↑↑↑↑
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Kiitoksia paljon, Jari ystäväni. So proud to call you friend I could just bust wide open.
Whut Fritz said ↑↑↑↑↑
To quote Patrick Swayze in "Ghost": Ditto! :-*
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And Now for something completely different.... for many reasons I have been forced to re-evaluate my relationship with the story, movie and the characters. ...
And then you just start walking, knowing that there are people who are walking with you.
Hello our dear Boris/Jari.
Jari: I am sorry to read here that you have been ill; but am pleased that you are in recovery mode. I hope that a full recovery is possible for you, and that it is achieved very quickly.
As with all of your posts on this thread, Jari, you have provided us with such deep and clear insights, for which I thank you once again.
However, do not forget, that when you do eventually die, your wise words will live on in this forum, as a constant tribute to what you truly are. So do not feel that you will be lost to the future. I expect that many of your thoughts and concepts will be repeated over the generations, by some who encounter them in here.
Just over 25 years ago I went into hospital for what was supposedly a common operative procedure, and when I resumed consciousness my wife told me that she had been told that I only had a 50% chance of pulling through. That rocked me; and gave me a new approach to life. Although the lesson has dimmed over the years, the message to me was that it was time to start living my life for MYSELF for a change; instead of forever living it according to my perceived wishes of what others desired etc. My thinking was that if I had died then, no-one would have known anything about the REAL ME; as I was merely being what everyone else wanted.
Well, Jari, unfortunately for everyone who knew me then, I CHANGED; and what I changed into was not exactly what they liked. I became extremely arrogant, self-opinionated, and individualistic. I do not regret any of that, as I am now my own person. With your professional background, this is probably no great revelation, as I expect that it might happen to many who have been in a similar situation.
But getting back to BBM: I am too scared to view the DVD again YET, Jari. It brought me undone to such an extent that I am still coming out from its after-effects, and I dare not allow myself to slip back into that dream-world which I have been in for the past 18 months or so; or I feel sure that nothing will be done in my daily life which needs to be done. Therefore a re-viewing in order to re-evaluate the film, is not on my agenda yet.
However, Jari, I do still feel that the message of BBM is a universal one, and as I wrote here recently, for me the message is to fight against injustices in our societies. It was the injustices of their world which caused a blight on Jack and Ennis's relationship. A world of homophobia; which we are hardly distant from today. (ha ha, and I am a homophobe, still learning to counter those well-learned lessons from our society!)
Yes Jari, there are many of us, all walking together, even if we do not know each other, or even know of each other. That is a wonderful tribute to the story and the film; which has been the cause of so many friendships forged through this forum and other similar ones. And my own very special man who is also walking with us, held my hand on this walk, for only just a brief few wonderfully heady weeks, until he let go of the hand just over a year ago. I expect that you still have MANY hands holding yours. May they comfort you in those times when you need them. I extend a similar wish to all on here.
Best wishes: JohnnyX.
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Change and life is about choice. There are things we can choose and those choices define us more than the things we didn't have any influence. The choices we make and the responsibility we take about them define us: they make us who we are. It's about ownership of one's life. I can't help but thinking of being given a new lease on life. And it gives a responsibility. I have nothing else at my disposal than this one life and when the day truly comes for it to end, I want be able to think that I used it wisely.
Good things need to be invited into your life, crap comes uninvited. It's not only about what you choose to include in your life, it's also about what to exclude. And for me that exclusion is more important, to be able to focus on what counts, what matters, what is true. Like the people and friendships here. This here is human stuff and thus doomed to be not perfect. Some friendships stay forever, some wither and die, that is the nature of human things. But all have touched, all have had meaning, every word, every touch had its time , place and meaning and that'll never get lost.
And then you just start walking, knowing that there are people who are walking with you.
i was struggling with a lot of things these last weeks and didn`t know to make which choise,but now i do.
thanks jari :-*
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It would seem that "end of summer" melancholy is striking many of us this year. Me particularly, as I see nothing but a bleak winter ahead of me, but I see it in many others here, also .
It is a kind of searching, and a hoping. Many here clearly feel isolated and alone again. But we are not, all that has changed is that many of us have stopped sharing, stopped saying "I feel alone, is this all that there is?".
We shouldn't be afraid to put ourselves out there, to lay ourselves open again. Don't waste time, life is for living. - find a way to do it.
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I don`t think i have an end of summer melancholy, but i am in a bad mood now for 4 days ;) but for me i think its my hormones playing up ;). I do have times that i feel very alone and i ache for someone then,but that time goes by and most of the time i`m very pleased with my single life. i still am a member of that lesbian site and just as i wanted to remove my profile someone send me a message.two days later another woman send me a message. So i sat there thinking wow two what the hell am i gonna do with that ;) but then while reading their profile and sending messages with them back and forward i found out one was once a man and only since 6 months a woman and the other one is Bi and can`t choose! Now i do believe every human being deserves love and at first i wanted to give them a chance, but soon i didn`t feel right for me. I have had lots of bads relationships in the past,have had men and when i finally admited i was a lesbian i thought,darn wish i would have felt like this sooner. it could have prevented me for lots of missary! So now that i`ve choosen for a woman i want a woman to be with,one day, or maybe never.
Thats also a possibilty i think of more and more, i have a good life with my cats and dogs and friends,so i just am gonna love that life and not "search" for miss right anymore ;)
so i didn`t know what to do with my profile and what i was gonna say to those two women, couldn`t sleep last night and already made up my mind i was gonna remove my profile and send the two women i message i really wish them all the best but it aint gonna be woth me. And the read Jari`s post this morning for me was the answer thats the right decission!
I need my energy for me and my friends and have, for now,not any more energy left for anything else!
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It would seem that "end of summer" melancholy is striking many of us this year. Me particularly, as I see nothing but a bleak winter ahead of me, but I see it in many others here, also .
There may be some truth to this. Cooler temps, darkness comes earlier, lasts longer.....
A lot of us have done a lot of soul searching, and "life reviews", and when one does that, you must review the bad with the good, for it to be productive. Yes, it can pull you down, but it's up to you to pull yourself back up again.
How funny that as I'm typing this, a coworker just commented on how bright the sun is this morning!
We all support each other here, we can find our sunshine here. Reminds me of some lyrics...
I turn to you, like a flower leaning towards the sun
I turn to you, 'cause you're the only one
who can turn me around, when I'm upside down
I turn to you
I turn to you, when fear tells me to turn and run
I turn to you, 'cause you're the only one
who can turn me around, when I'm upside down
I turn to you
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... so i just am gonna love that life and not "search" for miss right anymore ;)
Oh Conny: what a wonderful phrase to read here from you!
Congratulations on reaching this point in your "cure".
I feel that this decision is indeed the turnaround point for you.
All the best.
JohnnyX.
(Now if I could just learn that same lesson for myself ...... LOL ).
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Conny, babe,
It's been said a million times "once I stopped looking, he/she found me!"
Hang tight, you deserve the best, and that's not always easy to find!
(((((((CONNY!)))))))
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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thanks guys :-*
well in the 10 years i am alone i never really have been looking,cause i was alone then cause i really wanted too and not open for anyone. last year i was and therefore became a member of that site,cause i didn`t walk upon her on the beach ;) but found out thats just not me,period :)
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It's been so long since I was here that the mail-link--from July--brought me to the old thread.
Yesterday John and I were talking about brokies. Not specific brokies by any means, just'general ...'brokies'. We both started saying there were some brokies who had sort of entered into their own BBM 'AU'.
There are.
What can one gently say to a friend who has [ and I hate putting it this way] retreated into a sort of Alternate Brokeback Universe? And by this I don't mean at all what is generally written here,THAT is almost completely positive. I mean someone who is so into Brokeback they are getting out of touch with life. Someone who has gone beyond the obsessive yet generally healthy involvement which most of us are 'into', to one degree or the other.
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Okay…so here I am again….stop rolling your eyes Johnny boy…lol
I’ve come to conclusions …I gotta tell ya that to me this is hard to admit…seeing how it really is….Remember how it was when we were so obsessed?. How we agreed with eagerness..how we had so much in common that we wanted to burst? That excitement that finally someone GOT us ?...”The honeymoon is over”…said a friend…I laughed at first but then I couldn’t help myself from feeling sad…
I knew from the beginning that all this jazz wasn’t going to last forever…I knew that somehow our differences were really going to separate us in the long run. Yes,we still will keep some friends…those we thought were good friends are no longer, some we are still discovering and knowing better. It’s all human nature.
Our obsession was intense…we fought with our spouses,or our lovers over this…my God,I was almost divorced! What a crazy trip that was…but I learned. I learned how to cope with the death of my first born child…the death of my best friend in high school…all my experiences in my life growing up in the inner city of Chicago…The “hood”..my life’s experiences with death and violence…how I survived….you were all there for me ..you all listened….you shared a part of yourself I thought I would never see. We fought, you made me cry…you even hurt my feelings..but in the end,you put your arm around me and said..”Nellie,this is what it is…DEAL with it.” I can’t tell you how I would have been if 2 years ago didn’t happen…if this movie didn’t grab us in the end and rubbed our noses in it. I can’t thank you hard enough for the memories I had in Texas,in Chicago, or Bay City . I just wanted to bring that up one more time.
I’ve come to realize now that this is what it is. We’ve come familiar with each other now,we see each other’s bad habits…our obsession is now gone. We are different people now…changed forever by this wonderful movie, Brokeback Mountain. Two fictional souls who brought thousands of people together in this thread and elsewhere. Who would of thought? Dave Cullen can now use this thread any way he chooses…write a book,become famous….who knows..good luck to you . Hope you get a chance to be in Oprah…lol
I don’t want people sugar coating things…”Oh honey,we still have each other,not just as often as we’d like”….uh huh…only time will tell. I’m not going to cross that bridge until I get there. Love is a force of nature?...can’t force friendship…can’t pretend that some of us really are not compatible…we can still be civil with one another…we can still laugh…hold on to it’s memory for as long as you’d like.
I really,really hope that this thread, this Forum, helped many of you out there. Not just the silly threads..the TV one’s…Jake’s eyelashes for Pete’s sake…but the serious one’s. I don’t see many newbies out there any more…I still see lots of “guests” though…and let’s be honest folks….many of us Forum members log on as “guests” only because some days we just don’t want to be discovered…I’m guilty of that as well. Call it anti social…I don’t care. We’re just here for what it is….
I ‘m finally in terms with the real reality of it all…and I’m okay with it now…I’m really okay and it still feels good.
Nellie
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Nellie,
I think that if you talk to any member here, they will tell you they are different people who first joined the forum almost two years ago.
We were all shell shocked, kicked between the eyes, punched in the stomach. We all reached out to each other, and found comfort. We understood each other, we KNEW we had been changed.
If this were still going on, I'm not sure that would be a good thing.
It would mean that we had not moved or grown as people in almost 2 years. It would me we had become stagnant, in ruts, become comfortable.
Instead think of what has happened here.....
People started relationships, ended relationships, lost weight, quit smoking, changed jobs, got engaged and married, moved to new homes, traveled around the world.
People may not be new to the forum, but they are new to the get togethers. In recent months, I've met DejaVu, SmellyKellyJay, ShakesTheGround, LoneLeeB3, DontWantToSayGB, and others for the first time.
I'll be meeting new people this weekend, and looking forwarda to other gatherings.
People are still coming out of their shells, and we are still learning from each other.
But we must remember that although we consider ourselves a family, we are all first and foremost individuals. Each with their own morals, beliefs, and lives. We should also remember that we need not agree with each other all the time, but we should respect each other and the varied opinions that are expressed here.
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Okay…so here I am again….stop rolling your eyes Johnny boy…lol
I’ve come to conclusions …
Ha ha!! Hello our dear Nellie/McNell.
NO, I was not rolling my eyes at all. I told you that I love everything that you write on here; BUT your comment did make me smile broadly -- and that smile is still spread right across my face as I sit here writing this response to you.
Nel, your "conclusions" indicate that you have been doing a lot more deep thinking -- big picture stuff (no not about BBM rofl); and I expect that what you have written here will be very helpful to many readers of the Affected thread. Because you have placed so much into a wider context.
It is so great Nel, to read the CONTENTMENT in this note from you. I do hope that it continues for you, and that some other trouble doesn't bump you back into that cauldron of crazy mixed-up feelings which we all seem to be thrown into at times.
I saw a mid-day movie advertised last week, and said to my wife that I just had to see it again; and we both sat down and watched it. It was "West Side Story". As I watched it, with all of the Puerto Rican issues etc. in it; I kept thinking of the only Rican chick that I have met: our Nellie.
What massive hurts of non-acceptance seem to underly a lot of the anger in that story Nel! Once again I keep screaming internally: "why can't the whole world just be empathetic with others?"
And yet, as I expect you personify in your life, the next generation does settle down and feel accepted, and therefore feel as if they are part of the mainstream. I expect that your own kids will not have such issues to deal with. Please correct me if I am wrong in this conclusion.
I am still in daily contact with that wonderful man Elskov, and he wrote to me yesterday of his expectation that everyone -- not just here on the board -- would have respect for each other in all of their dealings. It is lovely to look back over the past year or so on this forum, to realise that GENERALLY a lot of respect is indeed given to each other in here; so much so, that on those odd occasions when it is not given, it really stands out. I still remember with warmth and gratitude how you spoke out on my behalf when I was the recipient of some non-respectful comments.
Nellie, I will continue to LOOK FORWARD to your postings on here; and hope never to roll my eyes at you -- except in fun. But I warn you that what you have to beware of are my growls. M-Dash believes that I will soon wear out the grrrr.. keys on my computer with all of the frustrated growls which I send him from time to time. ROFLMAO.
For myself, I feel a lovely and warm BBM contentment. Just so content and happy with the most wonderful friends who I have gained from this forum. Our daily communications fill me with joy and acceptance and appreciation. What wonderful gifts from outstanding people! My wish is that this will be the situation also for the rest of you out there reading Affected. And still issuing an invitation to any lurkers who are hurting, to share your hurts in here with us, where we should be able to help a little.
Best wishes to all. JohnnyX. (Nellie's "Johnny boy")
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Nellie, mi hermana, my chica, my sister, my friend, my soulmate....
You speak such truth, darling. We HAVE changed in the nearly (or in my case MORE than) 2 years since we first knew about this film and found each other.
As Chuck said we NEEDED to grow, to change, to move on...
We all know that we are human, we make mistakes, we hurt ourselves and each other, but....
This is the "but" honey...we are better human beings for being here, for knowing each other, for accepting each other...and I KNOW that your post is about those who seem not to accept..sometimes, about some things...but we are still here..many of us, fighting, loving, dealing...sounds familiar, doesn't it? It is called "FAMILY." ALL families fight, make up, agree, disagree, love, hate, deal with each other....and at the end of the day, acknowledge that we are stuck with each other by the love we share.
There is and never will be any easy answer...I think we are sort of used to that here. So....
We live our lives as best we can, we go on, day to day, trying to be BETTER, trying to elevate ourselves above what was...and mostly, we succeed...sometimes, we fail, and here we are to pick each other up...
I love you, Nellie. Always. Period.
-Jackie
ps: Johnny, I am so glad you are in contact with Elskov...he is such a treasure,and does not know it. :-*
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...
ps: Johnny, I am so glad you are in contact with Elskov...he is such a treasure,and does not know it. :-*
Hello our other dear: Painted Shoes / Jackie.
Yes Jackie, he OUGHT to know that he is a treasure: I try to get that into his bloody head often enough! LOL.
I guess that for so many of us, when our life experience has been that we have craved certain other people, only to find in return that we are nothing or less than nothing to them; so we tend to devalue every aspect of ourselves; instead of realising that it is only in this arena that we seem to be having problems. It takes a lot of genuinely being loved in later years to overcome this. He knows that he is indeed genuinely LOVED by several people; so I am hopeful that in time his self-confidence might return. Meanwhile I enjoy my interactions with this man who has just so many talents, and so much knowledge and intelligence, and who is just so full of love. Thanks again BBM and DC Forum for bringing him into my world!
Earlier this year it was an absolute thrill to be able to spend a full day alone with him. I wouldn't let go of him all day. Tell you what! Jack and Ennis's dozy embrace was thoroughly wimpish compared with the bear hugs which I put on him all day! Poor man: I must have put at risk every bone in his body, through hugging him so much and so tightly. I told him later that I was probably giving him every hug that I had ever wanted to give to other men throughout my straight former life. He is lucky that he lived through it! rofl.
More generally though: I used to think that I was a shy person, but after getting to know in here a couple of these totally self-effacing, and oh so wonderful people, I seem by contrast to be over-the-top gregarious and extrovert. More LOL. Yes Nellie, I must seem to be more like you. ROFL.
Kind regards again to you and to all: JohnnyX.
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You're right Nell!
People are People.....
We are just better matched to each other as Human Beings, than we may be with any others.
BBM rang a bell in most of us, the same bell, just heard from different places.
It was never feasible that we would all be life long "best friends", but it was clear that a lot of us had the same path to tread in moving forwards (LOL! Gaily forwards!) in our lives, and that we knew here there would be someone to walk with us, through long or short sections of that journey.
For many of us difficult sections of the journey are behind us, and we are content to walk our current section alone, but we come back to make sure that others have the help they need, or when we "turn our ankle" (Linda put that foot up!) and need some support.
How nice is that!
Life changes, life changes us, we change life, we change others lives, but, at least, a lot of us are living our lives, rather than watching them pass by from a distance.
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Nellie, I will continue to LOOK FORWARD to your postings on here
No, Johnny...that was my last post for this thread...I'm done
But hopefully I'll see you somewhere on the few threads I do visit...good luck!
Nellie :-*
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Nellie, I will continue to LOOK FORWARD to your postings on here
No, Johnny...that was my last post for this thread...I'm done
But hopefully I'll see you somewhere on the few threads I do visit...good luck!
Nellie :-*
Second from last actually! ::)
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No, Johnny...that was my last post for this thread...I'm done
Nellie :-*
”….uh huh…only time will tell.
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No, Johnny...that was my last post for this thread...I'm done
Nellie :-*
”….uh huh…only time will tell.
Yeah, John: we know our Nellie, don't we? (we hope).
We can't lose her just like that. So we will just have to sit here every day, patiently waiting for that day when time WILL tell us that she has more to regale us with. Waiting ... waiting ...
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Well, it's Thanksgiving here in Canada; as I've said before, we have all the traditional things you will have in the US in November: turkey, pumpkin pie, family bickering...and we try to stop whining for awhile, steer around the "platitude of gratitude" and really think about how much we've got to be thankful for.
And for me, high on that list is our favourite movie and this forum.
Of course, I don't always feel thankful. I envy people who spend more time on the forum, I envy people who spend less time on the forum. I envy people who have more knowledge, insight, generosity and friendships than me. When I step back, though, I can see that it's really nothing but wonderful.
It's been nearly 2 years now; yes, it's evolved, and no, I don't know what's next. But I will never forget all of this. I suppose you could say it's dragged me, kicking and screaming, into the post-modern world. I'm thinking about how forum folks have taught me how many different ways of looking at things there are out there, so many of them new to me, and how many different correct answers there are to some questions. I've started learning how to hold a rainbow of perspectives in my heart and head. I'm thankful for that, and so much more.
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It's been said a million times "once I stopped looking, he/she found me!"
Hmmm...I stopped looking years ago. {looks around} Nope, not here yet.
Maybe I need to hide better.
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whut he said^^^
the directive i got from my higher power was that it might be best if i first found myself.
(a rather lengthy and often unpleasant process in my case)
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I was lucky.
I'd stopped looking, saw BBM, woke up, bestirred myself, went to see if 'it' was still alive and the love of my life was just...there.
Waiting.
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I was lucky.
I'd stopped looking, saw BBM, woke up, bestirred myself, went to see if 'it' was still alive and the love of my life was just...there.
Waiting.
The same more or less applies to my situation.
I needed a serious wake-up call, and BBM provided it.
More in a week or two - my 1st anniversary is coming up ;)...
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True the film affected me, but not half as much as the people here have. Sometimes reality is better than fiction ;)
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The same more or less applies to my situation.
I needed a serious wake-up call, and BBM provided it.
More in a week or two - my 1st anniversary is coming up ;)...
Likewise with Chuck and me, Marc (and Rob). Love found us, facilitated by BBM.
Marc, good to see again you in recent pictures!
John
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whut he said^^^
the directive i got from my higher power was that it might be best if i first found myself.
(a rather lengthy and often unpleasant process in my case)
;D :-*
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Rob and I have recently passed 18 months of commitment. Roll on Jan 2008 for 2 years
:D
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and how cool is it that a movie could lead to that for so many?
My turn is coming, I know it. ;)
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As always congratulations and just the best, Nick and Rob!!
I know that you will Chuck. You can't help but get your turn. :-*
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:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Lil Sis!
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I don't remember where but I once heard a saying
"Life is a flash of an instant between two eternities."
In this universe, on this beautiful azure planet, in the flash of a moment in the
eternal flow of time we met, brought together by a small film, thanks to the
technology that enabled us to communicate, we share experiences of
our lives both good and bad but enriched us all.
The fact that I came in late to this forum makes me feel a little bit sad I was not here in the midst of the huge obsession and now that many members drifted away or graduated.
Still I feel I am lucky to be here now I want to thank you all for staying.
Love
:-* :-*
Rei-g
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But it's not too late, baby!
Yes this forum is evolving...changing....like we are. Otherwise it'd be just a dead thing.
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Adding a little bit more crap to my previous one of 18th Sept. ;D
---
My father did not say anything before he died. I imagine he sensed what was coming
yet he did not tell my mother how he felt. He did not thank her, he did not say
anything about us kids, he did not say he was afraid, he did not even express how much
pain he was in.
A few years later I heard from my grand aunt that my father once told her my
mother kept accusing him in the hospital. She accused him bitterly for how
badly she had been treated by her in-laws since the early days of their marriage.
My grand aunt told me my father whined that the accusation tortured him
when he was already so sick.
It is possible my mother decided to take a vengeance on him while he was alive.
My father was having an affair with a lady in his office in New Jersey. I learned
about this later, (although I knew then she was around often) it did not bother
me, my father was already gone. I just wished he had done a better job to be discreet
so us kids did not have to deal with the resentment the incident left with our mother.
I will never hear his side of the story on this. And it is okay, it keeps me from believing
everything what my mother says. It takes two to tango.
When my father fell ill in New Jersey, his company did try to give us a company
residence in Tokyo. They already had candidate schools for us with curriculum for
students who returned from overseas. But before we returned to Japan, my
grandfather went ahead and dealt with the company and told them he would take us all back in Okayama instead.
Like Jack Twist’s father who refused to let go of Jack's ashes, my grandfather wanted
to let my father die in his custody. My father was the eldest of 6 brothers and sisters,
probably the one his parents counted on most. What would have been better for us as a family was not my grandfather's concern.
My father lost his job title at the end of the year, left with a mere honorary one in the
Human Resources Department, a fine medal for a good-for-nothing employee.
This was only two weeks before his death, one of the very last things he knew before he fell into coma. The company management said to my mother after he had died,
"We are very sorry but your father-in-law just cut us off. Little we could do.”
I knew many things, which were probably all true. I even knew my
parents had to give up their first child my mother conceived because my
father's parents were badly in debt when my parents got married.
I probably would have been a much happier kid without all those knowledge.
The adults were not very good at keeping things from the kids.
So many touching stories out there about such beautiful things people say to their
loved ones when they face death. How wonderful.
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When I look back now, my Father's death was only the beginning of my downward
spiral that followed for several years. We were fortunate enough to get ourselves a
house with what he left us.
My mother went to work, leaving most of the house chores with me and not my sister. I went on a school excursion one summer and was away from home for 3 days. I came
back to find 3 days worth of dirty dishes in the sink. Same thing occurred after my next school trip. I did protest to my mother that it was unfair. She asked me to wait until my sister's high school entrance exam was over. I waited, nothing happened.
Whenever my mother tried to put my sister to some discipline they ended up yelling and screaming at each other twice or three times a week, or more. I began to think my mother was just doing the easier way by dumping things on me. I didn't protest much but became very observant. My favorite pastime then was reading E. Bronte's Wuthering Heights in bed, an 8th grader with a very sick mind.
My mother finds faults in everybody except herself on any misfortune that occurs.
I believe my sister confronted her because she wanted to be loved and it was not fulfilled. Recently I asked my mother, just out of curiosity, I need to know something. Did you not notice that
something was wrong with me when I was around age 13-15?” She said no. your sister was surely
wacky but you looked okay.” I continued, but I was biting my nails until it bled, pulling out my hair and
once I put on more than 10 pounds in one year, a slight case of eating disorder I was developing
She said "Really? I noticed nothing."
I know now things have to be said in order to be understood. But back then I tended to go ahead and despise others for being thoughless and insensitive. To avoid getting hurt, I learned not to expect. I am born with a characteristic too much like my father.
It doesn't matter anymore because I am no longer a kid. But if I were told to be my mother's child again, no way!
Thanks again for listening.
Rei-g
-
((((((rei-g)))))
it is painful to read how lonely and unloved you felt. why is it always the "good" and "nice" kids who break inside but nobody notices ? the loud, "into-your-face" people get all the attention, and all the affection, but the silent once are suffering in complete loneliness. i feel with you, because i felt that, too.
i hope this place can be your first step out of your nutshell - it is very brave that you are sharing your story, it needs quite some courage at first to talk about personal feelings. there are many hands here that reach out, please take them. i know that the scars you receive in your childhood will never fade away completely - but we can put beautiful tattoos over them so you don't see them too much any more ;)
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi61.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fh55%2Fdesertrat77%2Fdiner%2Fbutterfly.jpg&hash=a707419a68b64bfcaf65aa1b611a7b3f137073fb)
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But it's not too late, baby!
Yes this forum is evolving...changing....like we are. Otherwise it'd be just a dead thing.
Thank you dahlia :-*. You are always so sweet.
You mentioned earlier about the language problem. Put it in your tongue and I will battle with
a dictionary! We can LEAVE ENGLISH OUT!!! ;D ;D
I have one mammillaria 20years old! Not big though because once I had to chop it in half. :)
It was a ping-pong ball size when I adopted it from the dark air-conditioned office.
Rei-g
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I don't remember where but I once heard a saying
"Life is a flash of an instant between two eternities."
In this universe, on this beautiful azure planet, in the flash of a moment in the
eternal flow of time we met, brought together by a small film, thanks to the
technology that enabled us to communicate, we share experiences of
our lives both good and bad but enriched us all.
The fact that I came in late to this forum makes me feel a little bit sad I was not here in the midst of the huge obsession and now that many members drifted away or graduated.
Still I feel I am lucky to be here now I want to thank you all for staying.
Love
:-* :-*
Rei-g
Rei-g, babe,
Many of us are still here, some only in the lurking mode...
We are all still affected by this movie, still adjusting ourselves to those affects.
You may have arrived "late", but you have many still here with you!
Hugs, sweetie,
Rob
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Rei-g,
You will find many painful stories in these pages. The ignorance of those before us, those who raised us, is unbelievable, and very sad. We're all here, aren't we, to make sure that the pain isn't passed on to the next generation?
We must learn from those before us. Not just from their words, but also their actions.
Know that many have suffered pain here, many have moved beyond it, some just recognizing it. All here to support each other.
Much love being sent your way, sweetheart,
Rob
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((((((rei-g)))))
i hope this place can be your first step out of your nutshell - it is very brave that you are sharing your story, it needs quite some courage at first to talk about personal feelings. there are many hands here that reach out, please take them. i know that the scars you receive in your childhood will never fade away completely - but we can put beautiful tattoos over them so you don't see them too much any more ;)
Martina darling,
Thank you sweetie for taking time to read.
This was thirty years ago and I am not all like this now, it is only a part of me.
I now reached the age my mother was when I was having a hard time. Although I do not have any kids,
I know I would never ever do things she did or did not do to any child, and it kind of makes me mad. >:(
I really need a tattoo!
I have a not so nice looking birthmark on my butt that looks like a stepped on slug! ;D ;D
But some public baths and hot springs here don't allow people in with tatts. Tattoos were for
yakuza (gangs) in the old days, now things are gradually changing.
I am thinking since the birthmark is small, if I get one, I can always cover it up with a bandaid. ::)
Rei-g
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Congrats on post 600, Rei-g!
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
A slug, stepped on, isn't such a bad thing, eh?
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Know that many have suffered pain here, many have moved beyond it, some just recognizing it. All here to support each other.
Much love being sent your way, sweetheart,
Rob
Rob,
Are you going to work or have you finished?
When I first started posting here I noticed.
There are so many beautiful pictures of you in this forum, but I always see a slightest
shade between your eyebrows or a faint sadness in your eyes deep and in your smiles.
I really hope the day will come soon when they will totally go away.
Love you,
Reiko
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A sad bit of childhood in my own life, Rei-g. Look at some of my original posts, you'll see that for yourself.
I work the night shift, with Tuesday and Wednesday nights off. Makes tonight my "Saturday". :)
-
Congrats on post 600, Rei-g!
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
A slug, stepped on, isn't such a bad thing, eh?
Thanks!
I remembered when I reached 400, after that could never keep track. It's the diner, I know.
Well, it can almost go as a kissmark, but not quite, it's a slug. ;D
Enjoy your Saturday night but don't stay up too late. :-*
One more week, yay?
Rei-g
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But it's not too late, baby!
Yes this forum is evolving...changing....like we are. Otherwise it'd be just a dead thing.
I've only recently discovered BBM. I'm still in the haunted phase, as I call it, desperately trying to stay away from the house when BBM is on cable, so I don't get tempted to get swallowed back into the bittersweet heartache.
I discovered the forum about a week after I first saw the film (which was about 6 or eight months ago) Like most of you, I was shattered, unable to go about my daily routine for days! I couldn't stop crying for months! (I still do, sometimes) Discovering this forum assured me that I wasn't crazy, I wasn't the only one experiencing this reaction. I was OK, this thing that's happening to me is natural. comfort in numbers...
So as you older Brokies get on with your lives, and share your experiences, choices, thoughts, that resulted from this film, please keep in mind that there are folks like me, that arrived to the party 2 years late, and we desperately need you here, and this forum, to keep us sane.
After months of lurking on almost all the threads, please accept a big hug and thank you, from me
Ayuni
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Welcome Ayuni, it's never too late ;)
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Welcome Ayuni! Like Nax says, it's never too late!
-
But it's not too late, baby!
Yes this forum is evolving...changing....like we are. Otherwise it'd be just a dead thing.
I've only recently discovered BBM. I'm still in the haunted phase, as I call it, desperately trying to stay away from the house when BBM is on cable, so I don't get tempted to get swallowed back into the bittersweet heartache.
I discovered the forum about a week after I first saw the film (which was about 6 or eight months ago) Like most of you, I was shattered, unable to go about my daily routine for days! I couldn't stop crying for months! (I still do, sometimes) Discovering this forum assured me that I wasn't crazy, I wasn't the only one experiencing this reaction. I was OK, this thing that's happening to me is natural. comfort in numbers...
So as you older Brokies get on with your lives, and share your experiences, choices, thoughts, that resulted from this film, please keep in mind that there are folks like me, that arrived to the party 2 years late, and we desperately need you here, and this forum, to keep us sane.
After months of lurking on almost all the threads, please accept a big hug and thank you, from me
Ayuni
Ayuni
I have been, gone and come back from this place, both physically, emotionally and spiritually, since my first post in early January 2006 (eeek) so long ago. Since that first post, here I have met my future husband/partner to be "Rob in Puyallup", met and continue to meet many friends from all over the world and have changed my life in many ways.
I have waded through the post-BBM life changing horror, found love (and I wasn't looking), fought some of my own battles with my past, took time to be a moderator here on the forum, deleted my account came back and now find myself like many of the "older Brokies" lurking more than posting, which after 10,000+ nonsense posts, is probably a good thing.
I was only saying to Rob last night that it is a shame that many of us lurk now rather than interact on the forum as we used to, because we had a real sense of cameraderie, support and we had fun, the word family is still often used. It was the fact that so many people decided to get out there and talk, share and interact that made the forum what it was, but many have retreated again, for whatever reason, and the place is a lot quieter nowadays. (and bizarrely, considering I am as guilty as anyone, I don't like the fact that we all retreated again - it feels wrong).
But a lot of us are still here and still understand exactly what you feel and still are happy to support.
So join in and have fun.
Nick
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Old timer delurking just for the hell of it (since Nick has made me feel guilty). :D
Always nice to know there are people still being affected. I am scheduled to present the film at a regular film night in a little town near us (in France) on the 25th. Just a small space that rarely gets more than 6 or 7 people for a film (last month it was Harold and Maude, in English with French subtitles). I will report on the reaction afterwards.
-
Know that many have suffered pain here, many have moved beyond it, some just recognizing it. All here to support each other.
Much love being sent your way, sweetheart,
Rob
Rob,
Are you going to work or have you finished?
When I first started posting here I noticed.
There are so many beautiful pictures of you in this forum, but I always see a slightest
shade between your eyebrows or a faint sadness in your eyes deep and in your smiles.
I really hope the day will come soon when they will totally go away.
Love you,
Reiko
I hope that his sadness is a little farther away nowadays, I try very hard to make it so.
-
Old timer delurking just for the hell of it (since Nick has made me feel guilty). :D
Always nice to know there are people still being affected. I am scheduled to present the film at a regular film night in a little town near us (in France) on the 25th. Just a small space that rarely gets more than 6 or 7 people for a film (last month it was Harold and Maude, in English with French subtitles). I will report on the reaction afterwards.
I made myself feel guilty sweetheart! :D
-
I hope that his sadness is a little farther away nowadays, I try very hard to make it so.
Oh, I didn't mean to say it that way, Nick.
I can tell when the pictures are taken by you, honestly.
Nothing but sheer bliss!
Rei-g
-
After months of lurking on almost all the threads, please accept a big hug and thank you, from me
Ayuni
Welcome Ayuni.
Months of lurking!! Wow!
I found this place three days after I saw the film on DVD this May and registered immediately.
I was desperate.
Hope you see you here often. :)
Hugs,
Rei-gyoku
(Rei-g or Rei for short)
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Rei-g, sweet lady, Ayuni, new friend, thank you both for sharing your time and your emotions with us. As Nick (Trigger Hippie) said, many of us, the original, or nearly original, posters (I've been here since Jan 2006) have pulled back from posting, now mostly lurking. For me, sometimes, it feels as if I have said all I can, have done all I can. Then, along come you two, and others like you, still searching, still trying to understand, still needing to open up because Brokeback somehow allows that to happen....
I remember that I used to say to newbies that "we are here for you, rest and let us hold you up, til you can stand on your own." That is still true, dear ones, still true. You are NOT alone in this search for whatever you need from Brokeback and the world that it has helped you see anew.
Your Brokeback sister,
Jackie
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Hi! All:
I can hardly see the screen from the tears in my eyes. I've only been here since Feb 6, 2006, so I still consider myself a Newbie of the Oldies! Settle down, this may be a long post, because the past two years since Brokeback came out have been a roller coaster for me. I want you newer poster/lurkers to know that without this Forum my life ... well, it might have been over, and that's as drastic as it gets. But with the Forum watching my back all this time, I am coming out of this thing smelling like a rose...well, at least when people hug me they say, "Hmmm...you smell good!" A gift of cologne from a fellow Arizona Brokie, back when I couldn't believe anyone would give me a gift so nice.
I just felt drawn here today to write my appreciation for Paintedshoes and all those who befriended, loved, mothered, sistered and brothered me through the crisis that is Brokeback Mountain in many lives.
I'm the 62-year-old, Mormon, married 42+ years guy who came here hoping to save it all and have now found out I can't. I'm separated from my wife, but remain on speaking terms with her, estranged from my church, and in an uneasy truce with my children. Thousands of acquaintances and friends are now on the outside of my life, but the good news is I am building a new life in the gay community, found a good new church, Gentle Shepherd Metropolitan Community Church in Phoenix, and now that I've come through the 'valley of the shadow' of depression and have arrived on the other side, loving every minute of it these days.
Let's just run down this last few days. Phoenix just celebrated its yearly Rainbows Festival and I attended, along with 25,000 others, the two days of festivities. I worked with fellow members of my new church in our booth, and helped staff the Budweiser Beer Wagon (for tips for our Church's General Fund). On the table in our booth, and the thing I talked most about, were flyers for our book, Beyond Brokeback. People are still amazed and wide eyed when they see that we've written a book...it has affected so many the numbers are astronomical in the gay community...almost everyone I've met has a story.
First, I cannot tell you how overwhelmed I was by the emotion of feeling like I had come 'HOME!' The thousands of people at the Festival that streamed by our booth ... I just felt so connected with every individualistic one of them. Big ones, fat ones, tall ones, skinny ones...you know the saying...I was just so thankful to be in the 'in' crowd now. I didn't identify with many of them, but I identified with the fact that they were out and proud of every bit of individuality they could muster.
Funny thing happened...this young man walked by with what I thought were white panties of some kind, and nothing else but his bronze skin and a big smile. I grinned and turned to a co-worker and in amazement said I guess you can do whatever here and no one seems to raise an eyebrow. Did you see that guy? I think all he had on was his underwear! She said, what did you think of his cowboy hat, to which I replied, "What cowboy hat!?!" My face turned all shades of red! We laughed everytime we thought of that for hours! Poor Bobby's first real time "OUT!" What a hoot!
Monday afternoon I went to an appointment with my therapist and wore my Rainbows Festival 2007 T-Shirt and we rejoiced in the changes a year and a half can make. I was bubbly and happy and he was the same for me. He has been a good source of information and hope and advice for me. He's always reminding me that I'm on the right track and not just following that thing that dangles between my legs.
After seeing him I met with my pastor to talk about an offer from the Editor of our paper to write something concerning the candidacy of Mitt Romney for President and the Mormon Church's stand on gays. (BTW- According to them I am to live a celibate life without companionship to prove to the Lord that I am worthy of the Celestial Kingdom, 'when all things will be understood.' As my grandson says, "I don't THINK so, Grandpa!") After awhile we decided that I am doing so well at this time that I don't need to do anything in the paper as far as an editorial.
Last night I went to the theater with a fellow church member who invited me to a First Rehearsal Party for the play, The Pursuit of Happiness, which opens next week. I've never done anything like that before and it was amazing. The Producer, Director, Cast and support staff all sat in chairs at the front of the stage and talked to us about the playwrite and the play. They did a ten minute skit or scene, and then we had a question and answer session. After that we had food from the Big Fat Greek Restaurant across the street, catered, and mingled with cast and crew. It was just fun! My frend and I sat with a couple he knew who had been together 13 years now...one partner had been married for 17 years and had children and grandchildren, so we could relate well to each other. When I took my friend home he invited me to go with him to the Tucson Pride event this weekend (We have ours in the cooler months of the year so we don't kill a lot of people with the heat!)
Saturday morning I came out to my sister-in-law who said she and her husband were gay rights activists on a small scale, walking in marches, etc. I'm sorry I waited so long to tell them.
I write this to just say that I think I've moved to a much better place in my life. I'm positive. I've gained a few pounds but have a plan to get it off again, but still have a total loss with Brokeback of 60 lbs., which ain't small potatoes.
Speaking to the pain of the movie...it is there...I think when I stop and concentrate on how I felt when I first wallowed in its message the pain returns and helps guide me to do more with my life. I want to and will find someone to share it with, as I get my act together a little more. The people here and in my church are wonderful friends and perhaps I'll click with someone. My therapist reminded me that since I'm taking good care of myself, I could live 30 more years...Whoa! But his point was, no one knows what can happen, so just get prepared and live a good life and expect the unexpected!
Life really is good!
Love ya'll,
Bobby
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Bobby19in1963
Your post is fantastic! I can't say how pleased it makes me to see that you've managed to navigate through what must have been some very turbulant times and come out on top!!
Congratulations
Richchan
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I'm always pleased when someone who has undergone major changes because of the film tells their tale again here because I like to think there are new lurkers among the old ones who haven't heard it before. The smoochy huggy love fests are fine but I like posts with a bit of meat. Um, I mean.. heh heh — god, this place has totally screwed up my vocabulary. ::) ;D
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Bobby!! I'm so happy for you.
What wonders honesty perseverance and determination can do!!
((((hug)))))
-
One challenge is that I'm getting so busy it's hard to even keep up with my Lovesick Diet thread!
Oh, BTW, my new church is going to launch a campaign in Arizona around Super Bowl time entitled...Would Jesus Discriminate? They did a wonderful job in Indianapolis and had a 16% positive change in attitudes among those surveyed after the campaign. It's fun to be in an activist church. We have a gay and a lesbian co-pastors. They are a hoot! on Sunday. Rev. Brad said, "What was special about Robin Hood?" as it fit into a part of his sermon. From the congregation someone yelled out, 'He wore tights!' That's my kinda church!
If anyone's intersted in a WJD T-Shirt, let me know in a PM and we'll figure out how to get one to you. At least I hope we can. That reminds me, we have to work something out to sell them on our website. http://gsmcc.org. We're selling them to raise money for the campaign.
Thanx! for the comments everyone. They always feel good.
Bobby
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A long time ago a song was recorded that hit me... then along came our movie. Brokeback Mountain affected me like nothing else ever had or has.
This video reminded me pains at the beginning.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18-UpudYVkM
Today I have Nick. A long distance relationship kept alive through text messages and live video chat on Skype. In less than a week Nick will be arriving for another visit, always too short, this time for 15 days...
My life has changed so much because of our movie!
-
Never enough time, never enough. Bless you, Rob & Nick.
-
The smoochy huggy love fests are fine but I like posts with a bit of meat.
whut she said^^ :)
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okay, i haven't entirely gone silent or gone away, but i have opted to not keep interjecting myself into threads in which i have long since had my say. usually, if someone says something that strikes a chord in me, i just send a PM and support others that way.
i have been posting in this forum since december 26 '05, and before that in dave's salon blog BBM comments thread (and what a story that is). in fact, october 30th will mark my 2 year anniversary of entering this conversation. through all of the ups and downs, disappointments and disagreements, threats and hugs, i am still here, more subdued perhaps. but here.
my 24 year experience of a recovery from alcoholism, and by extention, madness; gave me a pretty good idea of what people might be feeling and needing when they got to this forum. to be sure much of the allure was the horse race of awards season, and/or the hunkitude of the lead actors, but something much more was afoot. somehow, this story, and far more so this film, triggered a mass reaction in those of us with broken souls, including many of us who didn't even realize we were broken. for myself, for all of the great distance i had travelled emotionally in sobriety, a sad resignation had become my refuge. i had made a commitment to take my "revenge" on society at large, by living my remaining years as comfortably, in spite of my financial and social status, as i could possibly manage, and accept the solitude amongst nonexistent peers with as much grace and gratitude as i could muster.
in this forum, i found the gay family i had never, in all those years, through all that sturm and drang, seemed to acquire. of straight friends or womenfolk i had no shortage of intimates, but i felt a great deal like that mastodon in that "ïce age" movie, the last of my kind. while i only had a couple of brief exploratory flirtations here that fizzled quite quickly, i have made friends, both gay and straight, male and female, enough to last a lifetime. best of all, many of them are, like me, gay men "of a certain age", others younger and older, but all searching. i have never felt more a part of something in my life, even in AA.
here's my salute to my friends, and my love to those wonderful peers. and here's to those just arriving, especially those far flung men just now creeping out of their rural or not-so-rural closets. come out, come out, the weather may be turbulent, but the fresh air is beyond invigorating.
love,
jack
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Bobby, darling,
"I can hardly see the screen for the tears in my eyes..."
I am smiling, too, dear heart, to read of the successes you have achieved as you have come to truly believe in yourself and DO what you needed to make that belief a reality. Jeez, I wish I could give you a hug right now, friend! (((((((((((((((Bobby))))))))))))))))
Just look at the HOPE you have given and are giving, every day, to those who need so desperately to believe that change for the better CAN happen....
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
-
Today I have Nick. A long distance relationship kept alive through text messages and live video chat on Skype. In less than a week Nick will be arriving for another visit, always too short, this time for 15 days...
My life has changed so much because of our movie!
And the love that you two share, darling Rob and Nick, is an inspiration for everyone.
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This was thirty years ago and I am not all like this now, it is only a part of me.
I now reached the age my mother was when I was having a hard time. Although I do not have any kids,
I know I would never ever do things she did or did not do to any child, and it kind of makes me mad. >:(
Hi Rei thanks for your heartfelt posts!
I, for sure, did not have such a sad childhood, yet I remember many a bitter day! (and I always fight with people who claim that childhood and adolescence are the blissful times of your life! Im much better NOW!!)
I am a mother of 2 young kids, and I fight everyday to avoid the mistakes that my parents made. It aint easy! At all. It's a never-ending trial-and-error process. I expect much pain, doubts, frustration.....and hopefully, to achieve some good results in the end.
Many of the things I read here help (I think) to give me insights and useful thoughts. And I thank you all.
-
One challenge is that I'm getting so busy it's hard to even keep up with my Lovesick Diet thread!
Oh, BTW, my new church is going to launch a campaign in Arizona around Super Bowl time entitled...Would Jesus Discriminate? They did a wonderful job in Indianapolis and had a 16% positive change in attitudes among those surveyed after the campaign. It's fun to be in an activist church. We have a gay and a lesbian co-pastors. They are a hoot! on Sunday. Rev. Brad said, "What was special about Robin Hood?" as it fit into a part of his sermon. From the congregation someone yelled out, 'He wore tights!' That's my kinda church!
If anyone's intersted in a WJD T-Shirt, let me know in a PM and we'll figure out how to get one to you. At least I hope we can. That reminds me, we have to work something out to sell them on our website. http://gsmcc.org. We're selling them to raise money for the campaign.
Thanx! for the comments everyone. They always feel good.
Bobby
Bobby thank you for sharing. True inspiration!
Paintedshoes and others: thanks so much for your warm welcome
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Hi Ayuni I wish to welcome you too!
And this is my 300th!!!! I never thought I'd made it! RL is so demanding!
Just to celebrate, I've thrown away my old avatar (the dahlia flower) and put my own pic.
And this is just another thing I thought I'd never do! Put MY face in a public forum??? Telling intimate things about my life? And recognize that I so much need to feel love and affection from total strangers?? Share my feelings in public?? Admitting that I envy those of you who actually met, while I'm so far away from most of you, and so stuck up with my daily life - work, kids and so on - that it'd be almost impossible for me to think of doing the same? NEVER!!!!!
OK, I've done it. I so much need your love and affection.
It almost feels like a mini coming out LOL!!!!
Love to all of you
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wow big step there Dahlia, good for you!
I know the feeling. I was once very very active in a parenting forum. I organized get togethers and I was very well known in the crowd. It took awhile to get there but it felt great. I felt I was surrounded with lovely people with the same feelings and questions I had. Forums are a very powerful source for support, I and see that this forum is no exception. I was brought to tears more than once just by reading about the interactions that went on here and still are going on.
I too am very far away, Israel, and I don't have anyone here to share my feelings with. I also think that watching the film with translations, you loose the powerfulness words in the translation. Maybe that's why there aren't many Brokies around here.
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And this is my 300th!!!! I never thought I'd made it! RL is so demanding!
Just to celebrate, I've thrown away my old avatar (the dahlia flower) and put my own pic.
grazie dahlia! It's great to see you!
-
I too am very far away, Israel, and I don't have anyone here to share my feelings with. I also think that watching the film with translations, you loose the powerfulness words in the translation. Maybe that's why there aren't many Brokies around here.
Ayuni, I don't know if you are aware but several of us are planning on getting together in the UK next summer. The thread is here:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=20185.0
Aside from that the next closest brokies to you (that I can think of) are in Greece.
Welcome!
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yes I know, thank you :)
I am actually planning a trip to the UK sometime. I've never been to London. I'd love a weekend away but I plan to do so when... well... when Coldplay (my other obsession) schedule a concert. ;)
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Bobby - i'm SO happy for you ! you sound so different nowadays from the person who first joined, so desperate and sad. your life has just begun now... ;)
dahlia - nice to SEE you ! ;)
ayuni - welcome to this place !
-
okay, i haven't entirely gone silent or gone away, but i have opted to not keep interjecting myself into threads in which i have long since had my say. usually, if someone says something that strikes a chord in me, i just send a PM and support others that way.
i have been posting in this forum since december 26 '05, and before that in dave's salon blog BBM comments thread (and what a story that is). in fact, october 30th will mark my 2 year anniversary of entering this conversation. through all of the ups and downs, disappointments and disagreements, threats and hugs, i am still here, more subdued perhaps. but here.
my 24 year experience of a recovery from alcoholism, and by extention, madness; gave me a pretty good idea of what people might be feeling and needing when they got to this forum. to be sure much of the allure was the horse race of awards season, and/or the hunkitude of the lead actors, but something much more was afoot. somehow, this story, and far more so this film, triggered a mass reaction in those of us with broken souls, including many of us who didn't even realize we were broken. for myself, for all of the great distance i had travelled emotionally in sobriety, a sad resignation had become my refuge. i had made a commitment to take my "revenge" on society at large, by living my remaining years as comfortably, in spite of my financial and social status, as i could possibly manage, and accept the solitude amongst nonexistent peers with as much grace and gratitude as i could muster.
in this forum, i found the gay family i had never, in all those years, through all that sturm and drang, seemed to acquire. of straight friends or womenfolk i had no shortage of intimates, but i felt a great deal like that mastodon in that "ïce age" movie, the last of my kind. while i only had a couple of brief exploratory flirtations here that fizzled quite quickly, i have made friends, both gay and straight, male and female, enough to last a lifetime. best of all, many of them are, like me, gay men "of a certain age", others younger and older, but all searching. i have never felt more a part of something in my life, even in AA.
here's my salute to my friends, and my love to those wonderful peers. and here's to those just arriving, especially those far flung men just now creeping out of their rural or not-so-rural closets. come out, come out, the weather may be turbulent, but the fresh air is beyond invigorating.
love,
jack
Hugs Jack :)
but did you say you had recovered from madness. I beg to differ! You are as crazy cranky as ever, just how we like you.
:-*
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Hi Ayuni I wish to welcome you too!
And this is my 300th!!!! I never thought I'd made it! RL is so demanding!
Just to celebrate, I've thrown away my old avatar (the dahlia flower) and put my own pic.
And this is just another thing I thought I'd never do! Put MY face in a public forum??? Telling intimate things about my life? And recognize that I so much need to feel love and affection from total strangers?? Share my feelings in public?? Admitting that I envy those of you who actually met, while I'm so far away from most of you, and so stuck up with my daily life - work, kids and so on - that it'd be almost impossible for me to think of doing the same? NEVER!!!!!
OK, I've done it. I so much need your love and affection.
It almost feels like a mini coming out LOL!!!!
Love to all of you
Well after all this time Honey, it is nice to see you.
Hugs
Nick
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Dahlia, so good to see you!!! Thank you!!!
ayuni, thanks for continuing to post, I'm glad you are here!
and Jack, some things bear repeating! ;D
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Hugs Jack :)
but did you say you had recovered from madness. I beg to differ! You are as crazy cranky as ever, just how we like you.
:-*
says one cranky mastadon to the other... :P :-*
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Hi Ayuni I wish to welcome you too!
And this is my 300th!!!! I never thought I'd made it! RL is so demanding!
Just to celebrate, I've thrown away my old avatar (the dahlia flower) and put my own pic.
And this is just another thing I thought I'd never do! Put MY face in a public forum??? Telling intimate things about my life? And recognize that I so much need to feel love and affection from total strangers?? Share my feelings in public?? Admitting that I envy those of you who actually met, while I'm so far away from most of you, and so stuck up with my daily life - work, kids and so on - that it'd be almost impossible for me to think of doing the same? NEVER!!!!!
OK, I've done it. I so much need your love and affection.
It almost feels like a mini coming out LOL!!!!
Love to all of you
Dahlia! You are so beautiful! Thank you for sharing yourself like this...yes, it is a HUGE step to open up, isn't it? If someone had told me two years ago that I'd be doing this, I would have said they were nuts! :D As for not ever meeting any of us? Read my sig line, the quote from Boris. He wrote that to me in a pm last year, just after finding that he WOULD be meeting many of us in Texas. His words were and ARE true. "Miracles do happen." In the meantime, sharing feelings, needs, ideas, pain, joy, frustrations....all these things have made life more bearable, in some cases new, for a lot of us here. You ARE loved, Dahlia, for your courage in being here, in opening up, for being the lovely person you are. :-* :-* :-* :-*
-Jackie
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yes I know, thank you :)
I am actually planning a trip to the UK sometime. I've never been to London. I'd love a weekend away but I plan to do so when... well... when Coldplay (my other obsession) schedule a concert. ;)
LOL....so we just have to arrange for them to be in Oxford in June next year, right? ;)
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Interesting...I couldn't go to San Antonio, and I couldn't go to Estes Park, and I've missed every other get together within the borders of our wonderful nation...but wonder of wonders I'm planning to go to Oxford, England for my first out-of-state get together!
Bobby
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Hi! All:
...
I just felt drawn here today to write my appreciation for Paintedshoes and all those who befriended, loved, mothered, sistered and brothered me through the crisis that is Brokeback Mountain in many lives.
...
Life really is good!
Love ya'll,
Bobby
Hello Bobby!
Woohee!! Thanks for that posting, giving not only your history, but also your present.
And what a lovely "present" or gift that posting will be to so many on here, who can use you and your story as an inspiration in their own lives.
Great to see you posting back in here. Please keep returning to provide us with more updates.
Best wishes: JohnnyX.
AND to all of our other recent posters and new arrivals: welcome and welcome back. How nice it is to read updates here. Please keep coming back to us. bye for now. J.
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Interesting...I couldn't go to San Antonio, and I couldn't go to Estes Park, and I've missed every other get together within the borders of our wonderful nation...but wonder of wonders I'm planning to go to Oxford, England for my first out-of-state get together!
Bobby
Yeeeeeeee Haaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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dahlia good to see you hon :)
and wow bobby your life is going great!!
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(((((Ayuni... Nick.....Martina.... Michael.... Jackie... Conny... CellarDweller.... and Jack.....and all of you guys.......))))))
Yes miracles DO happen! YOU are a miracle, thank you.
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Hello everybody,
First, sorry for my english. I am from Serbia and I've never learned english in school. I saw the movie first time 5 days ago, and cried 4 days after it...(I believe I am gonna cry today again because I continue to watch some scenes from it). I am in love with this movie. It opened my eyes and crushed me in the same time.
I am 33 y.o. gay male who tried to live "normal life". I am married for 5 years, and I have a son. He will be 5 in january. I love him more than myself, of course. But, I've always knew I am gay. I couldn't let down my parrents and I've learned to live with woman. But, my nature and my real needs become stronger in time and finally I couldn't stand it anymore. Two years ago I meet my Jack, almost by accident. We had that imediate, strong connection, full of passion. We spend one week together and I realised I can't live without him anymore. My struggle started... My wife and son on one side, and him in the other side.. I cried like a baby on airport and I simply couldn't let him go because I was afraid he will never return and I will never feel again that kind of love, so deep and so strong.... I've never feel it before. I came back home in bad mood, but I thought it will fade in time. But, at home everybody noticed I've changed.. I become sad and lost...phisycaly here, but mentaly somewhere else... My Jack and me stayed in permanent contact...we wrote to each other every day and my love for him didn't fade at all. One year passed, and like he promised, he came again. We spent one more week together, and again I felt like I am in heaven... In airport, when he had to go back to his country, I realised I have to tell my wife about me.. My feelings were so messed up.
In the same time I felt I HAVE to tell her, and I felt like: "Am I crazy? It is crazy to tell her!" She was already in depression because she suspected I have someone esle and when I came home, she was already in bad mood. I told her the same moment that I am gay, and she started to cry... It was in december last year. Her therapist told us to try to live together, to give our marriage one more chanse...And we tried, I really tried hard...And we had some good and bad periods, just like therpaist said. But, I couldn't forget my Jack... We wrote to each other everyday... Today is 12. october. He is comming in 7 days to meet me again. My marriage is falling appart. Me and my wife decided to go separate ways. She can't live with me anymore and I don't have right to hold her beside me, because I can't give her what she really needs. Our son will be with her mom, and I have to deal with it. Some 10 days ago they both left me and moved to her parrents. I cried everytime I looked at my sons empty bed. My house was empty without them...but again, I don't have right to hold her back. After three days they came back to me because she felt bad too. I knew that new hope is growing in her and I didn't know what to do. And then, Brokeback mountain happened. I saw the movie for the first time in my life. I found myself in role of Ennis and I started to fall appart inside. After three days of crying I wanted to show the movie to my wife. After seing it she startd to cry and she said she now realises that I need love, just like she needs. That moment was the most important in her decision to live without me. These days we live together in our house, but we will definetly appart soon. One good thing is we didn't fight. She said I can see my son whenever I want. We bought new appartment and for the forst time we will move there together for son not to feel big stress.. after it, slowly I will back to my house where we live now. During these two years of loving my Jack I tried to find someone to replace him. I wanted to see if there is someone else who can fulfill my dreams.. I wanted to see is this love I feel for my Jack "love of my life", or am I just "regulary" in love. I had two partners for one night only and I realised it was big mistake do try to find someone else.I met many guys on internet, but only these two guys were interesting to me. But in both cases, I was dissapointed when I met them for real. Comparing to my Jack, it was like small grain of sand to Maunt Everest and I won't try to find someone else anymore. 7 days I have to wait to see him again. I have to tell him that he is the one for me. I am prepared for any answer.... and if I am not his Ennis I will stay alone... Thank you for reading my story...
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Ivanhoe,
Welcome to this place which I amongst others hope you will find supportive and feel you amongst friends. Love is the strangest emotion and you will find your own way to resolving your situation.
Thanks you for sharing with us, many of us have experienced similar feelings due to this film, sometimes it brings the realisation that things have to change and the importance of not being afraid to love a person. I think in our hearts we all wanted Ennis and Jack to live a happy long life together. The film gives up hope that it's not to late for any of us.
You English is excellent and I hope to chat with you more in the coming weeks.
You are very welcome.
Nax.
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Hi Ivanhoe,
As Nax before me, I would also like to welcome you to this wonderful place.
Please do not hesitate to come back and post again, this is a safe and supportive environment, as I have experienced in the past year.
Good luck on your journey, you have already made a few giant steps, for which I applaud you... you are one courageous man.
And welcome to you too, Ayuni :).
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Welcome, Ivanhoe. You are one of the reasons this forum will always have a reason to exist. As long as the film is available to watch, people who are going through a similar experience to yours will find their way here. It's wonderful that the film was able to help your wife to understand your feelings and allow you to find a way to remain friends while you bring your marriage to a dignified end. I really sympathise with your sadness about your son, but I hope you will be able to remain close to him. And that your Ennis will return your feelings. But if not, don't resign yourself to being alone forever. That is another lesson to take from Brokeback Mountain.
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Thank you Nax! And many thanks to this movie and all you guys who found yourselves in it. It is real eye opener. In the end of the movie I waited for miracle to happen. I couldn't believe Jack is dead for real! But in the very end, I started to cry and I couldn't stop my tears. I didn't sleep well three nights and everything I could think of, was this movie. I felt need to watch scenes from it again and again, to see how good time they had together. And those guys, Heath and Jake, did their job amazingly! I simply can't believe they are totally straight! If they are str8, I have to say they are both amazing actors. Those scenes, when they are together are so real in every single second. At least, my experience was just like Jack's and Ennis's. I was Ennis, and my lover was Jack. Every single look, and touch, and kiss looks like real life situation. I am definitely in love with this movie
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Wow Ivanhoe. Thanks for your story. Sounds to me like BBM came to you at the right time. Grab ahold and don't let go. Be true to Jack like Ennis couldn't. Savor this 'once in a life' thing. I'm thinking that you could be one of the lucy ones. It's up to you.
Brad
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Welcome Ivanhoe,Your story blows me away.
While trying to get this movie out of my system (unsuccessfully of course) I thought that I should keep in mind that the story is fictional and Jack and Ennis do not exist. How can I mourn a love that's not even real? Of course, now I know that it is real, for many people.
Thanks for sharing
And welcome to you too, Ayuni :).
thank you very much
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Guys, I am glad this forum is so alive! I had desperate need to tell someone about my life situation right now. Now I feel easier surrounded by you, my soulmates. I will put my photo here :)
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Ivanhoe, i am so glad you posted your story.
Again, welcome!
And much love. You will be in my thoughts.
Jack
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Nice to see you Ivanhoe ;) - it took me six months before I changed my avatar to a picture of myself.
You must be really looking forward to seeing your lover, I do hope that everything works out for you.
Feel free to wander about this forum, I'm sure you will find may topics to interest you and good peole to talk to ;)
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ayuni, welcome to you as well
And ivanhoe, I'm glad we met in that other thread
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welcome, ivanhoe!
this place is a safe sanctuary for many people - i hope it will be for you, too during this exciting and yet unsettling new times for you...
everybody here is very supportive, so don't hesitate to post - we'll be here listening ! ;)
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Ivanhoe
Hugs
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Thank you all! Guys, many thanks! And ayuni, welcome to this forum! :)
Guys, I feel like I am at home again, here surrounded by you...
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Hello Ivanhoe!
*waves*
Welcome to the forum! I'm so glad you found it, and that you took the time to tell us about your story here. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you and your "Jack". I hope you find true happiness!
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ivanhoe...
so sorry to hear of your struggles. i like many can identify with you. i am of the same generation of the fictional boys, and while the characters may be fictional, the story surely isn't.
let me encourage you to get hold of our book, by any means possible, as a distillation of our experiences, but failing that, do not fail to read our earliest pages,as our grief and our stories unfolded, there is much hope and many tears to be found therein.
i hope you will continue to inhabit our alternate universe here and find the unconditional love you need here to carry you through the rough times.
i hope you are aware that we have begun to gather in small and large groups around the world and have found the experience to be gratifying. there is a largish gather coming together in the UK this summer, and potentially one in scandinavia in the works as well. i know of no one who regrets attending one.
with great affection,
jack
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Hello everybody,
...
I am 33 y.o. gay male who tried to live "normal life". I am married for 5 years, and I have a son. He will be 5 in january. I love him more than myself, of course. But, I've always knew I am gay.
...
Comparing to my Jack, it was like small grain of sand to Maunt Everest and I won't try to find someone else anymore. 7 days I have to wait to see him again. I have to tell him that he is the one for me. I am prepared for any answer.... and if I am not his Ennis I will stay alone... Thank you for reading my story...
Hello Ivanhoe.
MAN!!! What a very moving story you share with us in here. Thank you for sharing it.
In the past few months we have had several stories in here, from married men (like you, and like me), who have found that when they told their wives of their attraction to other men, their wives with great love have released them. Your wife must love you a lot, to release you like this. You are a very lucky man, to have a loving wife like that. It is excellent that you can both remain friends, as that is not only good for each of you, but it is wonderful for your son. It is also good that you are both able to arrange separate accommodation in the future.
AND oh! how lucky you are to have found your Jack; and for him to have found you.
When you have been writing to each other for these past two years; and with his regular visits to you, it certainly sounds as if he loves you too.
I hope that THIS meeting will be a very special and happy one for you and your Jack.
Thank you for giving us the gift of your story.
Please come back and tell us more of it -- especially after your Jack's visit.
Best Wishes to you Ivanhoe; for a happy outcome.
JohnnyX.
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welcome ivanhoe,very moving story and your english is very good!!
your wife is the best! and i`m so glad bbm helped the both of you and i really hope you will ben happy with your jack the rest of your life!!
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Dobre dan Ivanhoe,
Welcome, and thank you for sharing you story with us. I am particularly touched at how the movie opened up your wife's eyes to your reality. It is a testament to the power of the film and the original story.
Milo
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Oh milomorris, you speak a little Serbian?! :) you said "Dobre dan"... it means "Good afternoon" in Serbian for the rest of guys who doesn't understand Serbian. Well, correct is "Dobar dan" but anyway, thank you!! Thank you all! JohnnyX, my Jack should come in December, but after hearing about my opening to my parents, and about decision of my wife to live separately, he decided to come sooner. I feel this time, we will have some important conversation about our future lives...at least I hope. Earlier, he supported me in my decision to live with my wife, and he is been telling me that he understands that my son is the most important to me. But, also he said he could move to Serbia... So, this time, when situation is completely different than before, I will start this important conversation... Pray for me! I love you all!
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Yes, I didn't tell you I told my parents I am gay. I did it because they blamed me for whole situation.. They couldn't understand complexity of my situation. After my opening, which was very hard for me, they realised that my wife also can't live with me anymore... and they stopped blaming me.. My father also told me:"Son, I am sorry because you had to go through all this alone, all these years. Living in secrets must be very hard.." he said. Thank you daddy!
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Thank you all! Guys, many thanks! And ayuni, welcome to this forum! :)
Guys, I feel like I am at home again, here surrounded by you...
May I add my welcome? Ivanhoe, this is home for you, as many of us have learned this last two years. Thank you for the trust you have placed in us, by sharing your story. We have pretty broad shoulders. Don't be afraid to lean on them, on us, as you and your wife, and you and your Jack, work through all that needs to be.
Many hugs,
Jackie
mod: Ivanhoe, I just read about your parents. Bless your father for his response. You are so fortunate to have such understanding, from him, and from your wife.
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Thank you Jackie..for being here fome me... :)
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I'm just one of MANY, Ivanhoe,as you have seen from previous responses. :-*
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Wow am just catching up... Great story Ivanhoe... Hope that everything works out for you...
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Hugs and warm wishes Ivanhoe, I hope you and your "Jack" make the right decision!
Sal ;D
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I'm just one of MANY, Ivanhoe,as you have seen from previous responses. :-*
Yes, you're right. I found so many supportive people here! I think it's fourth time already I say thank you all!
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Ivanhoe.
Thank you for telling us your touching personal story.
Although you are struggling, it seems people around you are willing to talk and
try to find what is best for everybody and it is the most precious thing.
I've been here since late May this year. Still trying to catch up on the
earlier thread. It is only recently that I exposed a part of my past here.
I found many moving stories from experiences of other members
of the forum and it is helping me in many ways.
Welcome and I am glad you are here.
Many warm hugs,
Rei-gyoku (Rei-g)
Tokyo, Japan
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Ivanhoe:
I'm so thankful that you found the Forum. It was a godsend to me and it will be to you.
I hail from the Phoenix, Arizona area and one of the ladies I work with here, Biljana, is from your country. She is the sweetest, most wonderful woman, so down to earth and friendly. So when I saw where you were from and read some of your posts, I had that same good feeling inside.
I started on the Forum February 6, 2006, and it has been a long, hard road for me. I'm now on the other side and can look back with some understanding of where you are. However, I believe you have so many things going for you, that your struggles may not be as hard. You have a loving and supporitve wife, who is amazingly willling to continue to share your son with you, and help you have a better life.
On the other hand, since I've been married 42 years, your wife will have the advantage my wife didn't of finding someone else to love and take care of her, too. That is so wonderful I just can't tell you how much. Later you will be so happy that this is the way it is, and that you were able to save her the grief of living a whole life with a gay man, and losing her youth she could have spent with another.
Your mother and father are alive and supportive. That is a wonderful blessing, too.
I sincerely hope that your Jack is like Our Jack, in that he can't wait for you to be free so that you can have your little 'cow and calf' operation somewhere...looks like he's even willing to come to Serbia!
I know these times are tough, been there. But, there are rays of sunshine already in your life, and I hope they just burst on you like the morning sun and warm you in the love you have for each other.
We're here through thick and thin. I've never found a more supportive group in my whole life. Perhaps there are even some other Serbians that can visit you in person as we go along on this trail. Once it's under your skin, it kinda sticks!
Love and hugs to you from around the world!
Bobby
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Hey Ivanhoe,
I am so glad to check on here and find your wonderful story. It is incredible and thank you for sharing it. I am so glad that you have found your way to your Jack. I also want to say that I respect you for trying to make things work for you and your wife and son and finally realizing that it simply couldn't work anymore. I know the unhappiness and loneliness that you must have had to go through while trying to live that life. I also want to say that I respect "your Jack" for allowing you to figure out when the time had come that you could no longer live that life. He supported and respected your thoughts and feelings, but he never gave up on you. Now that is one of those things that does not come around often. I'm sure he thought often about whether or not you would ever make this decision and at times I'm sure he thought about giving up on it. I would say that others in his life may have told him to move on, but again you were in his mind and his heart. That is not something someone just moves on with. He waited for you. I'm sure you also thought about letting him go at times because you did not know how things would turn out for you. I'm sure at times you felt it was unfair to him. But, the thing is that you never gave up on each other because of that bond you and he developed from the very beginning. Those types of bonds are rare, but those are the types of bonds that will last forever.
Both of you are proving what real love for someone is. I very much respect both of you and I realize what both of you have had to go through to get to this point. I actually am familiar with this same kind of situation; however, there is no need to put that here. I was actually rather surprised to come on here and read your story. It is running parallel with my own life at this same time where a similar situation took a very deep turn during the last couple of weeks.
I am very glad that you are here and as many have already told you this is a place where you can feel very welcome and supported. You definitely have my support and friendship. Anytime you need to talk about anything you can always feel free to talk with me. I want to wish you and your Jack the best luck in the world.
Jack
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Ivanhoe,
Your story reminds me of how the movie affected us, how it ultimately changed many of us.
Welcome home sir, you have a BIG family here, all wanting to give you sweet hugs,
Rob
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Ivanhoe:
I'm so thankful that you found the Forum. It was a godsend to me and it will be to you.
I hail from the Phoenix, Arizona area and one of the ladies I work with here, Biljana, is from your country. She is the sweetest, most wonderful woman, so down to earth and friendly. So when I saw where you were from and read some of your posts, I had that same good feeling inside...
Bobby, thank you for these kind words... And you described it well...It's like the morning sun started to shine on me...Send my hugs and kisses to Biljana! Hugs and kisses for you too!
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Hey Ivanhoe,
I am so glad to check on here and find your wonderful story. It is incredible and thank you for sharing it. I am so glad that you have found your way to your Jack. I also want to say that I respect you for trying to make things work for you and your wife and son and finally realizing that it simply couldn't work anymore. I know the unhappiness and loneliness that you must have had to go through while trying to live that life. I also want to say that I respect "your Jack" for allowing you to figure out when the time had come that you could no longer live that life. He supported and respected your thoughts and feelings, but he never gave up on you....
Jack, thank you for your support! Many hugs!
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Ivanhoe,
Your story reminds me of how the movie affected us, how it ultimately changed many of us.
Welcome home sir, you have a BIG family here, all wanting to give you sweet hugs,
Rob
Thank you Rob! Thank you all for being here for me
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Добро вече, Иванхо, и срећно с твојом Джеком!
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Добро вече, Иванхо, и срећно с твојом Джеком!
fritz... you are SUCH a show off :P :P :-*
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This is so new to me, everything about this is new to me. I hope my English is good enough...
Two weeks ago I saw the film again and nothing is the same. I am so glad I found the forum.
I really want to thank you all for sharing your stories here. It helps a lot.
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Welcome, Miaisland....
Nothing will be the same, because you are no longer the same, are you, dear? Funny how a piece of celluloid can forever change us....if we let it.
I, no we, are here to help you, as and if we can, while you figure things out, just as we are for each other.
Thank you for speaking and again, welcome, welcome home.
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This is so new to me, everything about this is new to me. I hope my English is good enough...
Two weeks ago I saw the film again and nothing is the same. I am so glad I found the forum.
I really want to thank you all for sharing your stories here. It helps a lot.
Hey Miasland... Welcome to the forum... Glad to have you here... ;D
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Hi Miaisland, welcome... don't hesitate to come back, it's safe here... :)
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Добро вече, Иванхо, и срећно с твојом Джеком!
It means "Good evening Ivanhoe, and good luck with your Jack" for everybody who doesn't understand Serbian. :) Thank you man! It's very interesting to read somehing written in Serbian, by someone who is not Serbian :) Hugs!
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Welcome Miaisland,
I am also new here, but already feel at home :)
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Thank you for welcoming me. I wish I could tell you my story but I'm still so confused about this. The story affects me in so many ways, in different levels. As a 50 year old woman I felt so stupid the first week. Couldn't understand why I needed to see the film over and over again, why I did it secretly, why I cried so much I nearly lost my breathe. Then I found the forum and understood I wasn't alone. I hope I have the courage to open the door to whatever will come out of this... This thing...
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Take your time, Miaisland... Most of us have been in that situation... there will be people here to "guide" you, to stand by you...
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Welcome Miaisland. There are so many deep thoughts and ideas in BBM. There is so much symbolism in the movie so it will take you awhile to even begin to understand everything. I know I still haven't figured it all out.
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Thank you for welcoming me. I wish I could tell you my story but I'm still so confused about this. The story affects me in so many ways, in different levels. As a 50 year old woman I felt so stupid the first week. Couldn't understand why I needed to see the film over and over again, why I did it secretly, why I cried so much I nearly lost my breathe. Then I found the forum and understood I wasn't alone. I hope I have the courage to open the door to whatever will come out of this... This thing...
Miasland,
We all bumped into this forum for a reason, most by googling "Brokeback Mountain". I've been here since very early January 2006, have met many people here, many of them in person. I also met my future husband here, 20 days or so after joining the conversation.
We all changed because of our acquaintance with Ennis and Jack. We've all discovered things about ourselves, about our lives, not always pleasant, because of this introduction. Many have made tremendous changes in their lives because of it, some still in the process, some more wondering exactly what it is that this movie has done to them, still in a state of confusion, trying to figure it all out. Some like me, find ourselves in all of those catagories...
Welcome home. There's love here for those willing to accept it, ears willing to hear what you have to say,
Hugs,
Rob
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Hi Miasland!
glad you are here...stick around, you will get it!
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We all changed because of our acquaintance with Ennis and Jack. We've all discovered things about ourselves, about our lives, not always pleasant, because of this introduction. Many have made tremendous changes in their lives because of it, some still in the process, some more wondering exactly what it is that this movie has done to them, still in a state of confusion, trying to figure it all out. Some like me, find ourselves in all of those catagories...
Rob, I think you provide excellent points here. I can't agree with you more. I would say I also fit into all those categories too.
Jack
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I wish I could tell you my story but I'm still so confused about this. The story affects me in so many ways, in different levels. As a 50 year old woman I felt so stupid the first week.
:)
I think we all felt a little weird.....looking around us and asking ourselves 'why did this happen to me????' ........and this started a process of thinking...rethinking....dreaming....wondering
Welcome to the obsession!
It's nice to have you here
:-*
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I wish I could tell you my story but I'm still so confused about this. The story affects me in so many ways, in different levels. As a 50 year old woman I felt so stupid the first week.
Take you time and don't feel stupid.
for me it's been several months of confusion. I have only reached one conclusion (of many to come I hope). I have understood that what pains me is that I will never have a love like J&E had. I have a 15 year marriage, I love my husband but not "in love" . I will never red-line it for him.... I will never kiss him like Jack kissed Ennis...
Edited to fix quote
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oops It seems like I messed up the quote and text thing... sorry
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Xвала лепо, Иванхо! And yes, that's about the extent of my Serbian! :D
And welcome to all the newcomers here! It is a wonderful safe haven for us all.
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Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hugs back to you Rob and, Ivanhoe, nice to know I'm not the only new member. I hope everything will turn out fine for you. Makes me happy to understand you are a great father with a good relationship to your own father. A few months ago I lost my father and nothing is the same...
But I am not ready to talk about my father yet. Otherwise I don't know where to start talking about this. Shy and embarrassed as I am.
I talked to my husband about movies in general tonight, movies and actors. Johnny Depp, Al Pacino and this Gyllenhaal guy (he talked about liking Jake in Proof) and what's the name of this other actor in BBM.... He didn't remember Heaths name and I pretended not to either. But maybe we could see BBM together? That's what I suggested when he said he has only seen parts of the film. I hope we will. Soon.
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I was driving back home this afternoon from Santa Rosa, and this strange feeling came over me. It was like Brokeback was just a distant memory from the 60's, and the forum didn't exist.
I haven't felt so alone in a long time.
Even though I don't post much anymore, I still hang out here whenever I'm home.
It's nice to see that there are so many new people still joining up.
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We're still here (((((((((((((((((((JOHN)))))))))))))))))))))))) and are thinking about you, appreciating all that you do for us.
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Miasland,
I lost my father about 6 weeks after my first viewing of the movie. He died January 25, 2006. A couple days later Nick and I found each other here in the forum, him replying to a post I left about my dad's death.
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I was driving back home this afternoon from Santa Rosa, and this strange feeling came over me. It was like Brokeback was just a distant memory from the 60's, and the forum didn't exist.
I haven't felt so alone in a long time.
Even though I don't post much anymore, I still hang out here whenever I'm home.
It's nice to see that there are so many new people still joining up.
You're never alone, John, we're still here for ya!
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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Thank you guys.
I think part of what I'm feeling today is a little homesickness for Michigan.
Maybe because it's such a hassle to go shopping around here because of the traffic. It's like everything is crowded around Highway 101, and everyone for 50 miles around wants to go to the same few shopping centers.
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Hey John, I hate having those kind of feelings. They make you feel weird for quite awhile. When you get homesick for Michigan, just remember how cold it will be there soon.
Jack
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How BB affected me??
This is pretty cool, John Beene and I are going up to Wyoming to photographically Hunt Elk In November. We're letting my wife handle the details---you know, logistical stuff like sleeping bags, starting a fire, keeping bear away from the tent, making that tent look raght. Finding water. You know. Stuff like that.
She says we are both clueless, so she will be thorough enough for us to come back alive. When she says it I hear the capitalised "C" in clueless, which is mortifying, so I will make sure to learn fast. And John Beene is a scientist and from Texas, so it should be easier-- Texans can camp.
Anyway, Katrina/ HappyAtLast knows what to do and we don't. So she gets the planning.She won't let me take her good camera though, says I will lose it. But the small one takes great digital photos, so JB and I will post them!
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Thank you guys.
I think part of what I'm feeling today is a little homesickness for Michigan.
Maybe because it's such a hassle to go shopping around here because of the traffic. It's like everything is crowded around Highway 101, and everyone for 50 miles around wants to go to the same few shopping centers.
Understood John!
I am often homesick for manhattan. You do get over it with time. Call whenever you want, I misplaced your number and besides, am TERRIBLE when it comes to calling people....
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New members will probably want to check out the archived threads. especially this one:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0)
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I am often homesick for manhattan. You do get over it with time. Call whenever you want, I misplaced your number and besides, am TERRIBLE when it comes to calling people....
Jack, I can imagine you do homesick for Manhattan sometimes. I think that would be very understandable since it is a great place. However, Denver is also a great place. It is a lot different for sure, but still nice. One thing I found out during my trips this summer is that there really is no way to compare New York City, Denver and San Francisco. They are all so much different from each other. I know when I got to SF I started trying to draw comparisons between it and NYC. I liked it a whole lot better when I figured out there was not a good way of comparing the two. They are each unique as is Denver and Wyoming as well. I'm sure Michigan is the same. Unfortunately all I got to see of Michigan was a whole lot of lights in Detroit. It was dark there by the time the plane landed. I saw a little more of the Minneapolis area which looks nice, but it is also very cold in the winter.
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Thanks jack
I get homesick for Manhattan too sometimes, even though I never lived in the city. I always considered Long Branch to be a suburb and I spent a lot of time in NYC.
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New members will probably want to check out the archived threads. especially this one:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0)
Dang, John, I just found out I hadn't posted there until Jan. 24, 2006.
Up till then I was in "Film and Book Main Discussion" and "Brokeback Fever Support" or some such name...
Thanks for reminding us!
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for me it's been several months of confusion. I have only reached one conclusion (of many to come I hope). I have understood that what pains me is that I will never have a love like J&E had. I have a 15 year marriage, I love my husband but not "in love" . I will never red-line it for him.... I will never kiss him like Jack kissed Ennis...
ayuni, many posts over the last year or two show the same kind of confusion in married women who have felt they "will never have a love like J&E had". This is something I've thought about alot, and here are two of my thoughts: first, this is a work of fiction, although it has tapped into something deep and real in many of us, J&E may have had their disagreements and their boredom in that cow and calf operation if it had existed.... The second thought is: some people have been given the possibility of a truly intimate relationship with someone of the same gender, whose life they can share and understand in a way straight people may never be able to; we straight people (or bisexuals in heteosexual relationships) can celebrate that, learn from it, be open to the possibility it gives to our lives, be grateful that it is part of reality.
I am also going to send you a PM.
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for me it's been several months of confusion. I have only reached one conclusion (of many to come I hope). I have understood that what pains me is that I will never have a love like J&E had. I have a 15 year marriage, I love my husband but not "in love" . I will never red-line it for him.... I will never kiss him like Jack kissed Ennis...
ayuni, many posts over the last year or two show the same kind of confusion in married women who have felt they "will never have a love like J&E had". This is something I've thought about alot, and here are two of my thoughts: first, this is a work of fiction, although it has tapped into something deep and real in many of us, J&E may have had their disagreements and their boredom in that cow and calf operation if it had existed.... The second thought is: some people have been given the possibility of a truly intimate relationship with someone of the same gender, whose life they can share and understand in a way straight people may never be able to; we straight people (or bisexuals in heteosexual relationships) can celebrate that, learn from it, be open to the possibility it gives to our lives, be grateful that it is part of reality.
I am also going to send you a PM.
i also recall posts from more than one member who took heed of their situation and put the effort (and often counselling) into their relations and MADE them deep and meaningful. i hope some of them see this sequence and speak up. if you can't stand it, fix it.
jack
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i can only second jack - don't fall into the trap of thinking that this is some kind of relationship you can never have! gay relationships aren't that much different from straight ones - there are passionate ones and less passionate ones everywhere.
you don't have to stand it - you can fix it ! ;)
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If only I could HAVE a gay relationship to see what an actual good gay relationship can be ;D
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If only I could HAVE a gay relationship to see what an actual good gay relationship can be ;D
Good things come to those who wait!! Never give up waiting - theres someone for everyone (eventually!!!)
Sal ;D
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Good things come to those who wait!! Never give up waiting - theres someone for everyone (eventually!!!)
Sal ;D
Thanks Sal! I'm hangin'in!!!! ;)
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...for me it's been several months of confusion. I have only reached one conclusion (of many to come I hope). I have understood that what pains me is that I will never have a love like J&E had. I have a 15 year marriage, I love my husband but not "in love" . I will never red-line it for him.... I will never kiss him like Jack kissed Ennis...
ayuni, many posts over the last year or two show the same kind of confusion in married women who have felt they "will never have a love like J&E had". This is something I've thought about alot, and here are two of my thoughts: first, this is a work of fiction, although it has tapped into something deep and real in many of us, J&E may have had their disagreements and their boredom in that cow and calf operation if it had existed....
i also recall posts from more than one member who took heed of their situation and put the effort (and often counselling) into their relations and MADE them deep and meaningful. i hope some of them see this sequence and speak up. if you can't stand it, fix it.
I am one of the "oldtimers" who reads more than writes these days. Often I wonder what else I have to offer that I haven't already said, except to say "Welcome!" to the new group of posters. But then Jack spoke to me with this post.
I am one of those whose long-term marriage was lifeless and empty by the time I saw the movie. I didn't know what was happening to me at first, but I came to realize that I could not let my life continue as it was. I could not continue to be an "Ennis" as I had been for so long. I have been shaken out of complacency and into taking action to fix what I could no longer stand.
My heart was broken open by the movie, but it was closed to my husband by many years of hurt, poor communication and neglect. It took months of counseling to help heal the rift between us. It was one of the hardest things I ever did, but I finally let him in; and we have experienced an incredible change in our marriage. It's like a dream come true, except I never dreamed that this could be real for me. You CAN have a love like Jack and Ennis, without the pain. I am living it, finally, in a relationship of over 35 years.
That's easily the best thing to come out of this, but there's more: I have decided to heed the call to enter seminary (not for ordination, but I haven't ruled that out); I have taken on more leadership in my job and recently received a raise; I volunteer at our local AIDS support center to repay a long-overdue debt of gratitude for their help when my brother was dying years ago; and I've made wonderful new friends as a direct result of this forum.
Life is still full of challenges, but I've never been happier. That's what can happen when you decide to fix it. Don't be in too much of a hurry. It takes time for your vision to clear so that you know what steps to take. Let the powerful emotions ebb before you make any decision that could change your life. But if you're reeling from the gut-punch of this story, then something needs to change. This is a wake-up call to fix it. Take advantage of those willing to help, here on this forum and professionals, if necessary.
And be ready for the ride of your life: hang on—it won't be easy—but worth it? You bet.
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I'll say goodbye to love
No one ever cared if I should live or die
Time and time again the chance for love has passed me by
And all I know of love is how to live without it
I just can't seem to find it
So I've made my mind up I must live my life alone
And though it's not the easy way
I guess I've always known
I'd say goodbye to love
GOODBYE TO LOVE
Words and Music by Richard Carpenter & John Bettis
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Congrats, Neatfreak, on all the changes in your relationship with your husband and your life in general!
As for us "oldtimers"... many of our stories were told up towards two years ago, buried deep in these pages. Takes a lot of hard work finding those words we wrote so long ago. I sometimes wonder if a thread pasting some of these old posts might be a good idea, a way of reintroducing those from long ago to those just arriving?
Just a thought!
Rob
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John,
That was one of my favorite songs by the Carpenters. I had those feelings when I was in my mid-teens, (turned 16 in '75). A sad state to be in when so young.
A sad state to feel no matter a persons age, I guess.
He's out there for you and every other lonely soul, John...
Hugs,
Rob
:-* :-* :-*
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Miasland and Ivanhoe - I just wanted to add my welcome to the other people here.
Miasland, the film overwhelmed each of us in very unique and special ways - don't be surprised if it takes you a while to integrate all of this into your life.
And Ivanhoe, although things may look bleak to you I want to let you know that you should be very proud of yourself for the steps you have made. Congratulations for the progress you've made so far - I hope this all works out well for you.
Michael
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Thanks jack and john and mike--I try not to compare. Sometimes i do however.
What is interesting is this>>if I'm in the country, a rural area,m i am quite content. Why? No expectations.I simply do not expect to find Carnegie Hall in Chugwater or Cheyenne. It isn't a problem, and I have lived in rural areas before, never want to leave!
In other cities--as in CITIES--it can be a problem. I get frustrated at their lack of Culture, their lack of Architecture. The lousy food.
The provinciality.
Even during a short trip to Los Angeles, my first, I was astonished that they roll up the streets after 11 PM. I said you can get a good and at times great meal in New York at 4:30 in the morning and was not believed. I said the obvious--that NY was the capital of the world, that this was why it was attacked, that it is the center--and was told I was being naive, America-centered and provincial because it was no more important then LA. 'Nobody cares about it being the nerve center because it isn't and if it was removed it would have no impact.'
Denver drove me nuts after a while. And then I calmed down and really looked around. Yes it is provincial but WTF, if I continually compare it to what is basically unique and incomparible I will be a very unhappy person. And there are things here--the symphony is world class. The ballet is pretty good. There are some outstanding literary groups. Wyoming is just a short drive away.
So I got us tickets to the symphony and may splurge on season tickets, it is world class. The concert hall is great.
I needed to stop comparing>>>especially since the airfare is very cheap on jetBlue and if I NEEEEEED to go to NY there aren't any hotel bills roflmao.
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Brokeback does remarkable things ayuni. And so does inte3raction with those on the forum. I let change happen, got out of my own way.
Talk with us, we know what you are feeling!
Brokeback affected me. Oh boy did it affect me!
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Speaking of the effects of BBM...anybody have any suggestions for our November Elk Hunt? Practical things and practical suggestions, you know. I don't want to be 'completely' clueless with the wife!
Oh I'm thinking of the Big Horns or the Wind Rivers, have to run it by John. The location is pretty tenuous right now. Anybody know where we can find some Elk?
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If only I could HAVE a gay relationship to see what an actual good gay relationship can be ;D
just give it time,am waiting with you ;)
or better i`ve let go, just enjoy the life i have and will see if someone comes along one day
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quithammerin, Jack, desertrat, neatfreak, brokeback_1 - thanks for your replies and words of wisdom.
Writing here seems very therapeutic, I must say...
My husband and I completed one year of couples therapy with success. There were many issues between us that we managed to work our way through. Still, even though we live together happily , sometimes I long for the sparks.
My best friend tells me to find a lover ::)
but I would never jeopardize my marriage and family just for sparks. So I guess we need to create our own. easier said than done.
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If only I could HAVE a gay relationship to see what an actual good gay relationship can be ;D
:-* it will come in time....in a moment you wold never expect it. i'm absolutely sure of that.... :)
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Thank you all for welcoming me and for everything posted on the forum. Reading old posts and different threads made me come back and taking the (big) step to register. It's a lot to explore (and for me the language is not easy). Thanks Rob for thinking about communicating here and now with us new members. That made me look for new posts and I visited new threads.
And thank you all, now and earlier, for talking about taking time. Today I changed things, said no to one of those timestealers. I have things to figure out... Today it's been going on for two weeks. It hurts, but in a good way. Long time since I had any passion in my life.
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Welcome Miaisland, this is a passionate place, I hope that you enjoy being with us ;)
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Today it's been going on for two weeks. It hurts, but in a good way. Long time since I had any passion in my life.
After months of hurt, I can now start to see positive things. Seems like the hurt was (and is) worth it.
I am also struggling with the language. So therapeutic reading and writing + language improvement? isn't that worth it? ;)
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Today it's been going on for two weeks. It hurts, but in a good way. Long time since I had any passion in my life.
After months of hurt, I can now start to see positive things. Seems like the hurt was (and is) worth it.
I am also struggling with the language. So therapeutic reading and writing + language improvement? isn't that worth it? ;)
If any improvement, absolutely. For now it's so hard to find words it feels like being 12 or something... And the going for sparks in marriage makes me feel much older.
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Thank you guys.
I think part of what I'm feeling today is a little homesickness for Michigan.
Maybe because it's such a hassle to go shopping around here because of the traffic. It's like everything is crowded around Highway 101, and everyone for 50 miles around wants to go to the same few shopping centers.
John you are such a sensitive soul, and relocation IS hard for anyone. And yes, it's true, there are longer lines in every store in California! I remember dealing with that in L.A. too. Although, I miss California for other reasons.
As the other poster above said ^^^ man, San Francisco and Denver are a couple of the greatest places in the U.S.! Imagine relocating to DALLAS like me! (whine, snivel) But I know it doesn't matter, home is home, and it takes a while to make a new place "fit."
But -- I also recall, months ago, when you were contemplating a move away from Bay City, to try a new adventure.
You know, I read everyone's posts here over the past ten or so pages, people re-examining their Brokeback experiences, some new people staggering in wondering what hit them, what is ahead of them. And these two posts:
Good things need to be invited into your life, crap comes uninvited. It's not only about what you choose to include in your life, it's also about what to exclude. And for me that exclusion is more important, to be able to focus on what counts, what matters, what is true. Like the people and friendships here. This here is human stuff and thus doomed to be not perfect. Some friendships stay forever, some wither and die, that is the nature of human things. But all have touched, all have had meaning, every word, every touch had its time , place and meaning and that'll never get lost.
[snip]
And then you just start walking, knowing that there are people who are walking with you.
It would seem that "end of summer" melancholy is striking many of us this year. Me particularly, as I see nothing but a bleak winter ahead of me, but I see it in many others here, also .
It is a kind of searching, and a hoping. Many here clearly feel isolated and alone again. But we are not, all that has changed is that many of us have stopped sharing, stopped saying "I feel alone, is this all that there is?".
We shouldn't be afraid to put ourselves out there, to lay ourselves open again. Don't waste time, life is for living. - find a way to do it.
IMO the relationship to BBM, for a Brokie, is like to a lover. Suddenly we are struck as if by lightning, and we have to completely "grok" (the word from "Stranger in a Strange Land") the whole experience, and it takes a long time-- we recognize it is already a part of us, but we have to find out why. Like Ivanhoe, it is only through repeated viewings that I came to accept the fact that Jack DOES die. Only through repeatedly reading the story for Annie's insights that are not easily understood on the screen. Only through listing all the levels it has affected me -- as a work of art, of language, of culture, of insight and a catalyst for change, the amazing fact that it was written by a woman, an older woman, who did not grow up in Wyoming yet made it as real for us as any place we have ever been, and LOVE, and truth, and authentic living.
Jack knows from AA, and I from Alanon, that you can be profoundly affected by something, but that does not mean you will stop having problems. In fact for many, life before Brokeback was simply the path of least resistance.
To live authentically is not the path of least resistance. Life after Brokeback will not be a rose garden, but the best we can hope for is to grow and react to our situations with our most authentic selves.
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My saga started back in January 2005, and seems to becoming full circle... Not sure I am ready for the outcome...
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It is about time that I wrote some words about the changes that have taken place in my life in the last 2 ½ years.
January 2005. Aged 35 and 11 months
Everything seemed to be ticking along fine. I was happy in my job, and whilst not in a long term relationship enjoying my social life and surrounded by friends.
A shift was occurring within my closest friends. I have always been someone that needs to have a best friend. This goes right back to when I was at junior school. L had been my best friend for a number of years but we were now doing such different things in our lives that we had little left to talk about let alone do together. I have stayed close to many other friends whose lives went in different directions but with L it was different, in that to him our friendship was failing. There was a chance to save it as we were off on a trip to Slovenia with another friend S. at the end of the month. Unfortunately all this trip did was to exentuate the gap and saw each other again only once after.
However, something happened in-between which changed my life.
I had several other close friends but one who was becoming of increasing importance was B. I had only known him a couple of years and used to work with his wife. We were very similar, and always had good times together. As a group we would sometimes go to a gay club called Popstarz, as it played all the best 80’s and onwards cheesy Pop. B had suggested that we go on our own sometime as the girls always wanted to leave early.
So we did the usual, few drinks at mine, Karaoke, and get ready. We were having a good dance at the club, and even dancing with a few girls who thought we were gay. It was so funny to watch their boyfriends smile from afar as we grinded with their girlfriends without incident. We were playing up to the moment and after the girls had gone to get a drink, continued to dance outrageously. Suddenly our faces were inches apart, and B brought his lips to meet mine. WOW – electricity surged through my body. We were both pretty drunk but stood there kissing for a few minutes. I had never experienced anything like this before. My body felt so connected to him, and I was not aware of the fact that we were standing in the middle of a dance floor in a club. All I knew was that I was kissing my best friend, my married best friend and it was one of the most wonderful experiences of my life.
B grabbed my hand and said that we were getting our coats and heading back to mine. We kissed and embraced in the cloakroom queue.
When we stepped outside the club, it was like stepping back into the real world, and everything was back to the way it was before the kiss. We sat in the back of the taxi virtually silent. I could hear myself nervously breathing. Our legs were touching, and I was not sure if what had just happened was real, or whether it was the drink high playing havoc with my imagination.
Once I opened the door to my flat, he was on me again straight away, and then I knew what was going to happen. I was a bit scared but the electricity between us led me on.
Up until the summer we engaged in a very passionate affair, going out together every couple of weeks, and grabbing moments when we could.
Then we were in bed and the ‘Love’ word came up – It came from B and I felt the same so I told him that I loved him too. From that moment on there was a distance between us and we did not really see each other. I kept on trying to make an arrangement but B always said they were busy, and kept reminding me that he had family responsibilities.
Then at the end of November 2005, I heard the end of a TV report about an upcoming film based on the book by Annie Proulx, Brokeback Mountain. My previous experiences with AP had been fantastic. I firstly read that ole Ace in the Hole, and instantly wanted to have a holiday touring hog farms in the Texas Panhandle, and then read The Shipping News, and thought that I needed to live in a remote town in Newfoundland, then watched the film and was sourly disappointed. So I knew that I had to get this book and read it before the film was released. I remember it was a Saturday afternoon so I rushed out to the bookshop, and was delighted to kind it was a novella. I started reading as soon as I got home and was finished in 1 hour, and could not believe it! The story had stunned me.
I spent the next few days unable to think of anything else. It had hit especially hard because of the situation between B and I which I had discussed with no one. It was our secret, and nobody’s business but ours… But I had not seen B for months, and was this turning into a lost opportunity, and what if he died. I did not know which way turn.
I started googling Brokeback Mountain and found my way to Dave Cullen’s original blog on 4th December. I posted on page 6 using my middle name Berkeley. I only posted a couple of times, but this opened up a friendship with Parenthetical Greg, and we spoke every day for the next month or so. At first I was shocked at the way the thread took off, and was scared to join the full forum. I felt exposed, and that I should be keeping my secrets to myself, so I chose a different and nondescript pseudonym for the forum.
I would check all the time and read, but rarely posted. I got involved in the ‘Were they Gay’ thread, and Little Brits discussion. But once I joined in the diner my circle grew and grew… Everyone was talking about this BBQ in Texas. I so wanted to go, but work was not going well and I had no idea what was going to happen or if I would even have a job. BUT work finished in May, and I decided to take a few months off, go to the BBQ in Texas and do some touring on the way.
I saw B before I went for the first time in months, and it was a group thing so no real time alone, although we found a corner to share a kiss, and promise that we would get together soon.
I travelled first to Washington DC, where I had planned to stay with someone from the forum for a few days, Painted Shoes, aka Jackie. I had met a couple of forum members, LondonPhil and BBMBliss in England and got on well with them, so this seemed a natural progression. Jackie was the absolute darling I thought she would be. On my third day with Jackie we took the subway into the city, and I remember Jackie mentioning something about the nice architecture. To me the train was quite simple, and not particularly architecturally resplendent. When we exited the train Jackie explained that it was a code and she was in fact talking about a good looking guy. I was taken aback, shocked, that someone openly was talking to me about guys… It was one thing on the internet and the protection of the anonymity afforded, but this was face to face. I was not ready. This did not however, detract from the beauty of the trip.
The BBQ was something else, and to see so many people, many of whom I thought of as close friends. I can summarise my feelings no better than the post I made at the time, which is as follows:
The BBQ was the centrepiece, and time that I will never forget spent with such close friends, and time to be a person that I had never been before...
New Experiences for me:
1) I have never been one for kissing anyone on the lips, unless it was someone that I am/was intimate with, but everyone exuded so much love that it felt natural to kiss people constantly, and on the lips too... I felt so close to so many people, and this was an extension of that closeness...
2) Crying almost constantly for three days... From Sunday evening until Wednesday morning... I have nothing against crying but I just do not do it much... Sunday, I had to say goodbye to people and it started to make me sad, and by the evening when I had to say goodbye to some very special people, it nearly broke my heart, and I (the one who hardly ever cries, and especially not in public) could not stop the flow of tears, and in a hotel car park to boot... Thanks to the one (you know who you are), who gave me a big hug in the hotel and cheered me up... I cried about the loss of physically being with these people, through the next day and then onto further losses until Wednesday...
I see my sexuality as a bit of a 'floating voter' i.e. that it depends who comes along... and who I fall for, whether that be male or female... But since I discovered my duplicity, I have not had the chance to be so openly flirty in front of a group of guys... Jackie can testify that when I was in Washington at the beginning of my trip, when she asked whether I found guys attractive, it was difficult for me to have the conversation in person, rather than messing around on the forum... By the time the BBQ was over, I was openly ogling all the sexy men there, and on the streets etc - This was also greatly assisted by spending time with Gnash who is constantly taking interest in most guys, on the streets, in the malls, in the petrol stations, and even wolf whistling at some guys on bicycles...
I do not even know where to start with how much people meant to me at the BBQ...
There were those that I was already close to through the forum, and getting to know these in real life, to me, only deepened what I felt for them, and I love them all dearly...
There were also so many great new surprises... People that I did not know, or had only had brief interaction with on the forum, that are now very dear to me, and warmed my heart...
I am so grateful to you all for becoming good friends.
There is one big regret, and that’s one person that I should have got to know better at the BBQ, but did not... through my own lack of vision, but fear not, the wheels are in motion to rectify this situation...
So overall it was a beautiful time in my life, and one that I will never ever forget..
So I returned to England a different person. I started to tell some of my close friends my experiences. It felt fine, and I felt in control.
I started a long distance relationship with someone I met at the BBQ, the sweetest guy from California. But the distance predominantly proved the undoing of this relationship…
I spent the Christmas 2006, and January 2007, being an utter tart. I slept with quite a few guys. When I was out in the city, I was a snogging machine. One evening snogging 7 different guys! It was great fun.
Then in February I saw B again, for the first time since September when I first got back from my trip.
We had a few drinks, but again were in a group. We had time later to talk, and he was really upset and said that it made him really jealous that I was out meeting other people, and that he could not be what I wanted him to be, but he was split in what he wanted to do and the future that he wanted.
We agreed to get together in March and see how things went. It was a disaster. He was not ready for the changes in me, and the way that I acted relaxed and open in gay bars was too much for him, and we rowed and he would not talk to me for 5 weeks.
Since then things have been better. We are trying to get together every 4-6 weeks at the moment… We deeply care about each other and that is true, and the same electricity is between us when we meet, and it’s difficult when in a group to act ‘normal’ and keep our hands off each other. Is B my Brokeback Mountain? Who knows…? Is there a future for us? Who knows, I doubt it, but at the moment July 2007, I am not ready to give up on him, although being the ‘dirty secret’ hurts at times.
Since writing the above, we had a bit of a blow up, and have not really spoken since August… The entire stress of the situation was too much. But he was being a nasty pig, and said some really hurtful things, so I was grateful for the space.
We have gradually started sending text messages and speaking a couple of times again, and the today he told me that he is in London next week, and would like to meet for lunch.
Later he text me to say ‘Cool. But I want half of my ashes on Brokeback’
I nearly fell over… He has watched the film, and I am not really sure what his true reaction will be. We had a couple of text messages about the acting, and what Ennis said at the end of the film, but I said that we can talk about it when we meet up.
So it looks as though the circle is about to complete. He has seen the film. Has it affected him? Does he want to move to action? Do I want him to move to action? What if things are finally over? Not sure I know how to cope or act.
Just grateful that all my BBM friends are here to share it with me, and whatever the outcome, I am grateful for all this film has brought to me…
-
OMG this is amazing.
Zudos, if B has watched BBM he may or may not have BBM fever but even if he does, he may only be at the beginning of his Brokeback journey.
In any case, he certainly can't seem to quit you.
Elvan, how fascinating. Absolutely. I have missed your posts and your presence here on the forum, and I so enjoyed meeting you at the BBQ. How wonderful that you have moved forward in your identity, what huge steps for your life.
I am in awe of what has come out of this thread today.
-
Dear Wayne, it's funny - we are on the same train of thoughts tonight...
I was just one miillisecond away from posting a reply to your one-line post just now and also post my re-invention story just as I noticed that you had just posted your long story.
Thankyou so much for taking that courageous step! Thanks for sharing - I am one of those who is a good friend of one of your best friends so we have said many hello:s via her.
Hey Elvan,
WOW - We were almost on the same point of fearfully pushing the button. I wrote most of the above in July and shared it via email with all my close friends on the forum, but only today with the discussions I have had do I feel brave enough to post it...
I am so glad that you too have expressed your innermost feelings, as its of great comfort to me to be sharing this moment with you and not feeling so 'out there' - And all I can say is good for you.... :-*
I hope that our special mutual friend passed on my invite to you for December. It would be great to see you when Jari is in town... or at any time when you visit the UK...
-
Wow!
I was blown away from what has been posted here! I never cease to be amazed at what gets posted here! I'm glad so many people find the courage to post up what they do, and share with us!
Elvan and Wayne, I look forward to your continued participation here, and thanks for taking the time and energy to post such personal updates here!
love ya both!
-
OMG this is amazing.
Zudos, if B has watched BBM he may or may not have BBM fever but even if he does, he may only be at the beginning of his Brokeback journey.
In any case, he certainly can't seem to quit you.
I am in awe of what has come out of this thread today.
Thank you darling. I sit here in tears reading your post... :-*
-
Wow!
I was blown away from what has been posted here! I never cease to be amazed at what gets posted here! I'm glad so many people find the courage to post up what they do, and share with us!
Elvan and Wayne, I look forward to your continued participation here, and thanks for taking the time and energy to post such personal updates here!
love ya both!
Love you too Chucki :-*
-
You know how long (and strong) my arms are,
(((((((Wayne)))))))
reaching all the way over the North Sea...
-
You know how long (and strong) my arms are,
(((((((Wayne)))))))
reaching all the way over the North Sea...
and the channel.....((((((((WAYNE))))))) ;)
-
Thanks Marc... :-*
-
Just to add to it all I have just received some really bad news which I am permitted to share with you all...
Catia (Juliacat) fell down the stairs this morning, broke her nose and has had to have surgery... :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
She is in unbearable pain and awaiting stronger painkillers.
I will provide an update when I can
:'( :'( :'( :'( :(
-
Just to add to it all I have just received some really bad news which I am permitted to share with you all...
Catia (Juliacat) fell down the stairs this morning, broke her nose and has had to have surgery... :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
She is in unbearable pain and awaiting stronger painkillers.
I will provide an update when I can
:'( :'( :'( :'( :(
Oh FUCK >:( >:( >:( :'( :'( :'(
-
Oh daym!
Wayne, perhaps you can put that in the diner as well, so her diner friends there know about it?
-
Oh daym!
Wayne, perhaps you can put that in the diner as well, so her diner friends there know about it?
Already done... ;D
-
You know how long (and strong) my arms are,
(((((((Wayne)))))))
reaching all the way over the North Sea...
and the channel.....((((((((WAYNE))))))) ;)
Thanks darling Sunflower... :-*
-
Wayne and Elvan - wow. I go out for the evening and come back in to find my two best friends in the forum have both written these amazing posts.
(((((((Wayne))))))) I'm so glad B has finally watched BBM. I hope you finally get some resolution one way or the other. You are worth infinitely more than being someone's second best. :-* :-*
(((((((Elvan))))))) I am so proud of you, my bästis. You really are the bravest person I know. :-* :-*
-
It is about time that I wrote some words about the changes that have taken place in my life in the last 2 ½ years
..............Snip
Thanks for your openness Wayne. Take a deep breath and go slowly for what you REALLY want and need.
I understand how unsure you feel, matters of the heart can be bumpy and scary.
IMO Leaving one's heart in the hands of another is an act of faith, some people call this love.
I wish you both.
JJ
-
Evian, I feel it was a privilige to have read your post.
I you follow your heart the rest of you will grasp its meaning.
JJ
-
Elvan, you seem like a very courageous person to me.
Best of luck on your journey,
Marc
-
Thanks Sarah and JJ...
I am off to bed now. Emotionally exhausted
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
-
Thanks Sarah and JJ...
I am off to bed now. Emotionally exhausted
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Sleep well, (((Wayne)))... :-*
-
Zudos,/W, thankyou for your reply, and yes it is indeed an amazing night of pride and courage for us; it really helps me too that you posted tonight!! I sure know what you mean with emotionally exhausted - but at the same time one kind of feels several feet taller...it must be all those worries and fears that has lifted off. :)
(Oh yes I know about December and it sounds like the best way to sign off this year! It would be super to meet then!) Please also say hi and wish Catia well from me.)
Thankyou also Sarah, Chuck, jj, tellyouwhat, Amiennis and everyone who has replied, it truly means very much to me to have you still! Many :-* and good evening (night) hugs.
-
http://www.neilyoung.com/prairiewind.html It's a dream
In the morning when I wake up and listen to the sound
Of the birds outside on the roof
I try to ignore what the paper says
And I try not to read all the news
And I'll hold you if you had a bad dream
And I hope it never comes true
'Cause you and I been through so many things together
And the sun starts climbing the roof
It's a dream
Only a dream
And it's fading now
Fading away
It's only a dream
Just a memory without anywhere to stay
The Red River stills flows through my home town
Rollin' and tumblin' on its way
Swirling around the old bridge pylons
Where a boy fishes the morning away
His bicycle leans on an oak tree
While the cars rumble over his head
An aeroplane leaves a trail in an empty blue sky
And the young birds call out to be fed
It's a dream
Only a dream
And it's fading now
Fading away
It's only a dream
Just a memory without anywhere to stay
An old man walks along on the sidewalk
Sunglasses and an old Stetson hat
The four winds blow the back of his overcoat away
As he stops with the policeman to chat
And a train rolls out of the station
That was really somethin' in its day
Picking up speed on the straight prairie rails
As it carries the passengers away
It's gone
Only a dream
And it's fading now
Fading away
Only a dream
Just a memory without anywhere to stay
I'm just blown away by your posts, Zudos, Elvan....
I dont find the right words to reply....this morning I heard this Neal Young song and I burst out crying....
It made me think of this BBM dream, it's about love, and life, and memory, and hope, the little things in life, the yearning that we feel inside, our pining for someone else
Be yourselves! You help me keep the dream alive
-
Zudos and Elvan, thank you both for sharing your deeply personal moments of self-discovery. We are honored that you felt safe enough here to open your hearts. You are still on your journey—aren't we all?—and I look forward to hearing about the coming chapters as they happen. It is such a wonder to witness the process of you becoming fully the person you were created to be. Let us help you in those difficult moments and cheer you in your successes. Blessings to you both.
Betty/neatfreak
-
Dear Wayne, it's funny - we are on the same train of thoughts tonight...
I was just one miillisecond away from posting a reply to your one-line post just now and also post my re-invention story just as I noticed that you had just posted your long story.
Thankyou so much for taking that courageous step! Thanks for sharing - I am one of those who is a good friend of one of your best friends so we have said many hello:s via her.
I so hope that 'B' will be straightforward with you about his intentions and reactions to the film and the future for your relationship. You so deserve somebody who will not have you as his dirty secret at the side!! Now that he has watched the film even, what is he waiting for? You should not have to beg and wait. You haven't come all this far for that.
I hope that when you get together that you'll speak your mind as you did in your post... big hugs!!!!!!!!!!
And now - - - despite fearing that 'everyone' will be busy with Zudos' post and not wanting/having the energy to read mine too, instead I dare the challenge and take the chance, hoping that perhaps someone will 'accidentaly' read it now...
So here is my re-invention story.... I feel terrified, but here goes:
(Also, thankyou tellyouwhat, for your post previously on those other similarly wonderful posts. They encouraged me to post as well!)
Dear fellow BBM friends, first I want to say it's great to be back - it's been quite a while since I posted here - and I'm so grateful that the forum is still going strong, that so many friendly and familiar faces are around! Of all the threads I have missed out on the past few months, this is prolly one of the most important to catch up with along with get-together photo-threads. :)
Here is a short re-cap of what's going on with me lately.
The funny thing was that I guess it was sometime around the release of our forum book that I more or less disappeared from the forum. The book is absolutely lovely, of course, and I am so proud to have been a part of it, but I had mixed feelings when I finally laid hands on my very own copy. Where I was at the time, I just couldn't read the heavy, angsty stories - many of which end in hope, but still - so I focuse on the light parts, discovering new wonderful posts(ers) that I've never read before. Then I put the book on a prominent place on a bookshelf, thinking I'd cherish it as a wonderful memory of this special time.
I know I will go back to the book several times, when the time is right.
In all this time I have also kind of avoided watching Brokeback Mountain (and I have barely kept up with what's going on with Jake and Heath), as it would be too painful.
The thing with Brokeback Mountain is that watching it back in early 2006 was the starting signal for the final stage of a gender identity crisis period that been going on, secretly, for years. As male as I have identified as, lived as and been taken for for most of my life, Brokeback Mountain stirred something about being brutally honest to oneself before it's too late ... and my brutal truth was that my closet was not only, or really, about male gay issues - it was rather about the longsince denied fact I was not genetically male, I was female.
For all these years I have denied that for all the reasons you don't want to know about. (Part of the ID confusion thing surely has to do with being adopted, but still.)
So. It took the Texas BBQ gathering to grind down the final layers of denial. After that unforgettable weekend in Brokeback family haven, I realised once and for all that I had reached the end of the tunnel of self-denial. Somehow I gave up running when I noticed that my 'walls' were not even half as 'down' as I thought - they were way up and I was caught alone behind them, because I had not been fully honest to myself or anybody about what the heck is going on.
(Of course there is much more to this realisation but I can't go into all the details here unless y'all have a few hours and nothing to do... ;)).
To make that long story really short:
I had a serious post-BBQ depression until I decided there was no way around what I had to do: begin to talk about and deal, once and for all, with this whole gender identity crisis and what it really was about.
Nowadays, much thanks to a great male therapist (who actually watched BBM after I had been going on about it :D), some great doctors (my medical history was re-examined and my hormones are no longer on a constant battle against my genes), and my absolutely wonderful Brokeback family friends, other friends and my family, I have step by step managed to embrace the truth about Elvan: My inner gender ID may be slightly varying as it does for many people especially on this forum, but my social gender has changed back to that of my earliest years: female, and I am very relieved about that.
My male persona was for all those years nothing but a very sad, dysfunctional brickwall against being hurt by things I didn't even fully understand what they were about until last year.
This whole procedure has since been extremely tiresome physically and mentally, plus I have had no idea how the heck to break these news to y'all, so that's why it has taken this long to finally get back on in here.... it's quite a leap, you know.
I want to apologise to anybody who feels hurt by me not having said some little word about this earlier....! (I even suspect that one or two of you guys had a sense of this already at the BBQ...) But I have simply chosen to fight this 'closet monster' offline for the most part, it's nothing personal.
Phew. So now you 'know'.
An with 'you' I mean all you great DC forum people I've ever had the pleasure to befriend /be acquainted with online and IRL: I hope I haven't shocked you too much and that you will still want to be my friends. Thank you for reading this far!
Plus, to all the new forum people I hope to get to know;
hugs to y'all!
/Elvan
way time to click 'post'!
PS:
As I have a skill for vagueness... Should anybody have a question or so, please feel free to send me a PM!
Elvan
I don't think you were vague, just brave and saying it as it is for you. One of the many highlights in San Antonio was meeting you, as such a wonderful person.
Glad you have your strength, glad you are prepared to use it now.
Hugs and best wishes for you and the path that you have found for yourself now, looking forward to seeing you next year in Oxford.
Nick
-
for me it's been several months of confusion. I have only reached one conclusion (of many to come I hope). I have understood that what pains me is that I will never have a love like J&E had. I have a 15 year marriage, I love my husband but not "in love" . I will never red-line it for him.... I will never kiss him like Jack kissed Ennis...
ayuni, many posts over the last year or two show the same kind of confusion in married women who have felt they "will never have a love like J&E had". This is something I've thought about alot, and here are two of my thoughts: first, this is a work of fiction, although it has tapped into something deep and real in many of us, J&E may have had their disagreements and their boredom in that cow and calf operation if it had existed.... The second thought is: some people have been given the possibility of a truly intimate relationship with someone of the same gender, whose life they can share and understand in a way straight people may never be able to; we straight people (or bisexuals in heteosexual relationships) can celebrate that, learn from it, be open to the possibility it gives to our lives, be grateful that it is part of reality.
I am also going to send you a PM.
i also recall posts from more than one member who took heed of their situation and put the effort (and often counselling) into their relations and MADE them deep and meaningful. i hope some of them see this sequence and speak up. if you can't stand it, fix it.
jack
yes, Jack you're so right.....
It happened to me...only, the miracle worked its way apparently by itself, effortlessly.
I seemed to have forgotten, after so many years of marriage, what a gift my man is to me.
I had hidden my passion in some secret closet, and filled my life with everyday's chores. Of course the mutual respect and friendship and commitment and the lovemaking stayed with us but....no heart pounding, no blood rushing through the veins.
Then it was as if a veil fell from my eyes. It is amazing how things can change when you look at your partner with that adoring look that you previously felt ashamed of... I realize that I feared to expose myself too much, I didn't want to lose control, with all my self-esteem and pride.
I was afraid of asking to be loved, I was afraid to show my need for intimate affection.
I didn't want to admit I need him so much, I need his love to comfort and make me strong, I need him phisically to make my life worth living
Just a movie did this? yeah, just a movie set the spark.....and this forum
And it is contagious ;)
Ayuni, give your relationship a chance! Fight for it!
-
*weeps* :'( :'(
if ever you wonder how a person can be grateful to be an alcoholic in recovery, feast your eyes. how blessed is it to witness miracles, have the vision to see them and the will to be open to their presence in one's own life. we do it all the time. to see it here is breathtaking.
thank you all for sharing so openly from your respective hearts.
-
I was lucky.
I'd stopped looking, saw BBM, woke up, bestirred myself, went to see if 'it' was still alive and the love of my life was just...there.
Waiting.
love the way you put this. nice, very nice. amazing what can be around one corner, isn't is?
-
Wayne and Elvan - wow. I go out for the evening and come back in to find my two best friends in the forum have both written these amazing posts.
(((((((Wayne))))))) I'm so glad B has finally watched BBM. I hope you finally get some resolution one way or the other. You are worth infinitely more than being someone's second best. :-* :-*
(((((((Elvan))))))) I am so proud of you, my bästis. You really are the bravest person I know. :-* :-*
I was not quite sure how to respond to the posts by Wayne and Elvan...
I have been priviliged to know of the issues confronting both of these remarkable human beings for some time, and now here they both go....at almost the same time, and with the love and understanding of you, dear Bliss, too..
Wayne, Elvan, I love both of you, each individually and with my whole heart. That you should choose the same time to post your full stories is, to me, such a blessing, such a gift. I am proud, beyond measure, beyond, somehow, my own understanding, to have both of you fine persons, in my life. Thank you, my darlings.
Thank you, both, and each, for sharing such intimate details of your need to understand who and why you are, and how you have become YOU!
No one has ever said that life is easy, that understanding one's self is easy....but....Wayne, my darling. Elvan, my darling. Each of you has chosen a path, a necessary path to personal fulfillment....I am proud and humbled to know each of you, to love each of you. Thank you, each of you, for giving everyone here a moment of understanding how and why you choose...for that is it, isn't it? YOU CHOOSE!
-Jackie
-
I was lucky.
I'd stopped looking, saw BBM, woke up, bestirred myself, went to see if 'it' was still alive and the love of my life was just...there.
Waiting.
love the way you put this. nice, very nice. amazing what can be around one corner, isn't is?
Yes, my darling friend, it is. :-* :-* :-*
-
You know how long (and strong) my arms are,
(((((((Wayne)))))))
reaching all the way over the North Sea...
and the channel.....((((((((WAYNE))))))) ;)
and the continent.. ((((((WAYNE)))))) +9 hours :)
Sleep well my dear.
Rei-g
-
Elvan,
I do not think we have met but I would like to dedicate this to you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OY83IdPJZNw
A Japanese singer songwriter Ataru Nakamura who was brought up as a boy.
A very sad lovesong he wrote when he was about 14. An unrequited love which
he disguised as a friendship for he knew a confession would only lead to a loss of
his best friend. Brings me tears everytime. :'(
Rei-g
-
Elvan friend i really am so proud of you.you said the other day you were coming back to the forum,but never thought you would do it that way!! you really are brave to write it all down here (((hugs)))
Wayne proud of you as well!! you asked a while back if you could post it and i said sure do it but whenever you are ready.i guess that was now!! i so hope things with you and B turn out for the best!! ((hugs))) for you as well
will you pass on my love to catia,so sorry to hear about her fall.
-
And when you start to believe that the impact has been exhausted... ;)
Thank you. Elvan, min vän. Wayne, brother, all of you. What I believe is that the impact is about becoming visible. To ourselves and to others.
Finnish modernist poet, Helvi Juvonen (she died traigically young as poets tend to do) has a poem called a boulder:
I, a boulder
split off the mother rock
carried far by the ice
abandoned by the ice,
am alone in the forest,
am odd.
Don't mind children playing
around me
Don't mind snow
on my back. But
do not carve me
when I'm standing like a bear and think.
I am not cold, I am warm
when sun shines
you can see me.
This thread is such a gift.... the battles we've gone through, previously invisible and hidden shared.
Ayuni and Dahlia: I do believe that the movie made our needs also visible, our yearning for love and being loved, touched, cherished, appreciated... and if we're lucky our capacity for love becomes known to others.
-
Wayne and Elvan writing as you did can in itself be a cathartic experience and surely is a step forward in your own growth as individuals and a step towards realising your own dreams - don't dream it - be it. I feel privileged to watch you grow, seeing you get stronger. Wayne you’re deeper than you would have us believe, Elvan we’ve missed you, so nice to have you back with us.
Dahlia and Ayuni thank you for sharing your own experiences and struggles, by posting them you have helped others understand that they are not alone in finding that relationships can be a struggle. you show that with love, patience, hope and above all dialogue situations can change for the better.
A collective hug to all of you.
-
Thank you everyone for support and comments... It really means a lot. It was not easy to open my heart and tell you all what I was really feeling, and on an open internet forum, but whatever the outcome I think this is healing...
:)
-
Wayne you’re deeper than you would have us believe
Damn.... Best get back to talking about Prada then... ;)
-
Wayne you’re deeper than you would have us believe
Damn.... Best get back to talking about Prada then... ;)
Not a Devil in PRADA,
but a "Cherub in a hidden woeful countenance"? :-*
Rei
-
And when you start to believe that the impact has been exhausted... ;)
Thank you. Elvan, min vän. Wayne, brother, all of you. What I believe is that the impact is about becoming visible. To ourselves and to others.
Finnish modernist poet, Helvi Juvonen (she died traigically young as poets tend to do) has a poem called a boulder:
I, a boulder
split off the mother rock
carried far by the ice
abandoned by the ice,
am alone in the forest,
am odd.
Don't mind children playing
around me
Don't mind snow
on my back. But
do not carve me
when I'm standing like a bear and think.
I am not cold, I am warm
when sun shines
you can see me.
This thread is such a gift.... the battles we've gone through, previously invisible and hidden shared.
Ayuni and Dahlia: I do believe that the movie made our needs also visible, our yearning for love and being loved, touched, cherished, appreciated... and if we're lucky our capacity for love becomes known to others.
... how shall I thank you all for your sweet replies... hopefully we'll all meet in person some day for grouphugs, but just a few words here and now:
Wonderful strong Jari, this poem brought grateful tears to my eyes. I'm so proud and happy for you as well and glad you're my friend. Thankyou!
dahlia, thankyou so much for posting those lyrics to share your BBM impression! neatfreak/Betty and (((jack))), thankyou both for really sweet posts!
And dear Nick (it took me a second or two to figure out it was you :D) for your support and you know meeting you was one of my BBQ highlights as well! Big hugs and seeya in UK!
Oh sista Jackie, what can I say - all the hugs in the world your way!!! Thankyou so so much - and yes, wasn't it an amazing coincidence that me and W posted these 'walls down' posts at the same time! :) Printscreen moment!
Conny, dear hon thankyou for your post and steady support all this time! ;)
Wow, Rei-gyoku, no I don't think we've met but I watched your video link - it was beautiful and very fascinating! What a destiny, thanks for explaining the lyrics.
(Btw, did you know that piano and singing is so 'me'?)
Nax, I feel very priviliged to finally have a taste of the joy and relief that all other courageous people in this forum who have walked before me and Zudos through the walls of isolation into the real world and, like you say, quit just dreaming! Thankyou for the welcome back, I believe you had your squirrel avatar last time I was here! :o ;D
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Nax, I feel very priviliged to finally have a taste of the joy and relief that all other courageous people in this forum who have walked before me and Zudos through the walls of isolation into the real world and, like you say, quit just dreaming! Thankyou for the welcome back, I believe you had your squirrel avatar last time I was here! :o ;D
...and some of us have grown too while you've been away ;) (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi62.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fh95%2Fnaxman_photos%2FBBM%2Fthscrat2.jpg&hash=db3f0404e16fd5d90769f79cb9730d982921e7bc)
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...and some of us have grown too while you've been away ;) (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi62.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fh95%2Fnaxman_photos%2FBBM%2Fthscrat2.jpg&hash=db3f0404e16fd5d90769f79cb9730d982921e7bc)
there you are! ;D :-* :D
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I have really been thinking about you, Zudos and Elvan (wish you all the best), and all the answers. This forum is something beautiful, such a generous, warm and nice place.
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Elvan and Wayne
Thank you so much for posting your stories - very brave of both of you.
Hugs and warm thoughts to you both!!
Sal ;D
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Elvan, I never met you and don't remember reading your early posts or anything but your name was always evoked with such affection that I wondered who you were. Thank you for coming back to tell a little bit of your story.
Wayne, I remember in the first six months or so here I thought you were some blond guy. :D I met you over a year ago at the London gathering and was sorry I didn't get to talk to you a bit more. Your openness about your experience really touched me and I wish you all the best.
Kim
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Wayne, I remember in the first six months or so here I thought you were some blond guy. :D I met you over a year ago at the London gathering and was sorry I didn't get to talk to you a bit more. Your openness about your experience really touched me and I wish you all the best.
Kim
Thanks Kim :-* Hahaha - That was my hidden actor avatar! And also my hommage to the fact that Footballers Wives had been cancelled....
Oxford 08... We will make sure we chat properly... :-*
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Miaisland and Sal, thanks so much for your support :-*
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Elvan & Zudos/Wayne: thank you both for sharing such intensely personal stories. Elvan, it sounds as if you are at the start of a very long and hard road. Strength to your arm along the way.
On a completely different topic, many of you might be interested in this link, which was posted today on one of the genealogy lists which I belong to.
It is from Alberta, Canada; and I feel SURE that the mural is inspired by BBM. Accordingly, I feel that it is very relevant to how BBM affected people.
BUT be very sure to click on each tile for an enlargement, for there you will see something completely unexpected each time. We were directed first to look into the horse's EYE in this way. Just wonderful. Enjoy.
http://www.muralmosaic.com/Cochrane.html
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wow johnny thanks for the link,this is so beautiful!
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Then it was as if a veil fell from my eyes. It is amazing how things can change when you look at your partner with that adoring look that you previously felt ashamed of... I realize that I feared to expose myself too much, I didn't want to lose control, with all my self-esteem and pride.
Can't let go of these words, “that adoring look”. Long ago but I remember.
Hope I still do when I come out of this state of mind. If I do. Today I have my doubts.
I guess I'll keep on reading. When it comes to writing I must admit it – I want to do it in Swedish!
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It is from Alberta, Canada; and I feel SURE that the mural is inspired by BBM. Accordingly, I feel that it is very relevant to how BBM affected people.
BUT be very sure to click on each tile for an enlargement, for there you will see something completely unexpected each time. We were directed first to look into the horse's EYE in this way. Just wonderful. Enjoy.
http://www.muralmosaic.com/Cochrane.html
Johnny X, that mosaic link was amazing. Each of those images are gigantic; talk about positivt collaboration! :) Thanks for that and your sweet comment.
... how shall I thank you all for your sweet replies... hopefully we'll all meet in person some day
Odd as it is to quote oneself, but when I began writing that post I just knew I risked forgetting somebody - so with this post I want to express my deep gratitude to each and everyone who has since posted kind comments re my and Wayne's posts.... :)
Miaisland, Tigs and chapeaugris and everyone else. :-* :-* :-* Looong time no see, but hopefully next year then!
One person I have not thanked enough here and who deserves a bit of 'public' acknowledgement is a gal who I speak with every other day or so ;D but still, a little word online is also important esp for those who don't know that bbmbliss, Sarah is my dear friend and who I want to thank especially for being there both long before and after I posted that long post - the contents of which you already knew much about from having shared this bumpy BBM ride with me closer than most people. Huge galore, :-* and *morning booty dance for neighbors* ;D
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One person I have not thanked enough here and who deserves a bit of 'public' acknowledgement is a gal who I speak with every other day or so ;D but still, a little word online is also important esp for those who don't know that bbmbliss, Sarah is my dear friend and who I want to thank especially for being there both long before and after I posted that long post - the contents of which you already knew much about from having shared this bumpy BBM ride with me closer than most people. Huge galore, :-* and *morning booty dance for neighbors* ;D
"El", I'm so glad you found a friend in Miss Bliss! She is one of the people who I have very vivid memories of meeting in Texas at the first BBQ, very special and sweet woman!
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One person I have not thanked enough here and who deserves a bit of 'public' acknowledgement is a gal who I speak with every other day or so ;D but still, a little word online is also important esp for those who don't know that bbmbliss, Sarah is my dear friend and who I want to thank especially for being there both long before and after I posted that long post - the contents of which you already knew much about from having shared this bumpy BBM ride with me closer than most people. Huge galore, :-* and *morning booty dance for neighbors* ;D
Thanks sweetie :-* *dancing right along with you* ;D
And thanks Chuck too!
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Ahhhhhh You know you are special Sarah :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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:-* to you too Wayne!
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This movie has had an incredible impact on my soul. I can't really use words to describe it. I am a 31 "Gay, Bi or whatever" male and I think that this movie shows, in an incredible way, the power of human love, it shows that we need to remove the labels attached to our physicalness in order to receive and respond to love on an e-motional (energy-motional) level. So much of what we taught to believe, or "told" to believe in our religious upbringing steers too far away from the universal foundation of love that far supersedes any man-made tradition. I believe that it is important to have spiritual grounding, but that in and of itself is left up to the believer and bares no limitations, religion on the other hand, because of its control factor, always bares limitations and as beautifully displayed in this movie, there are no boundaries on the power of human love, and there's something about male to male love that is so deep that it is almost a universe of it's own, It's the kind of love I wish to experience ~ no matter what the cost.
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Welcome to DCF, gavern!
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Hey Gavern... Wonderful post...
Many of us have made huge changes in our lives because of the impact of BBM...
Look forward to getting to know you more...
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Thanks for the warm welcome guys I sure gald forum exists!
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Hi Gavern! Welcome aboard!
Did you first see BBM recently?
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Hi Gavern! Welcome aboard!
Did you first see BBM recently?
Yes a week ago, I couldn't even go to work the next day, I'm a musician and I am even composing a song in memeory of that movie, nothing has impacted me so, and I'm a very deep person, so you can just imagine! Thanks for the welcome.
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Hi Gavern :)
So nice to have you here!
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Yes a week ago, I couldn't even go to work the next day, I'm a musician and I am even composing a song in memeory of that movie, nothing has impacted me so, and I'm a very deep person, so you can just imagine! Thanks for the welcome.
Let me join in the welcome, Gavern. We here know a thing or two about the impact. :D If we can answer any questions, please don't hesitate...
-Jackie
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This movie has had an incredible impact on my soul. I can't really use words to describe it. I am a 31 "Gay, Bi or whatever" male and I think that this movie shows, in an incredible way, the power of human love, ...
... and as beautifully displayed in this movie, there are no boundaries on the power of human love, and there's something about male to male love that is so deep that it is almost a universe of it's own, It's the kind of love I wish to experience ~ no matter what the cost.
Hello Gavern.
I wish to add another to the warm welcoming messages to you. I hope that you will find a lot of consolation in this lovely place.
If you should have the time, I would recommend reading earlier posts on the ORIGINAL of this thread. There are thousands of them in there, but it was marvellous therapy for me to be able to read them all, when I was at the early stage that you are at, of reeling after the impact of BBM.
Here is a link to page 1 of it: http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0
Gavern, I have edited your post above, to leave in some parts which really speak to me; but also to say that FOR ME, I must disagree with your closing words there. In my own case, I NOW, post BBM, wish for that M2M closeness which you refer to; however as a long-time married man with an extremely loving wife who will not countenance such a thing; I KNOW that for me, I will probably never experience that M2M physicality, because the cost in losing her would indeed be too much for me. By contrast, it is lovely that you feel so free and so strong that you are able to make that statement. (So please do not misunderstand me, there is NO criticism intended by what I write here; merely my different perspective.)
However, although I don't expect to ever have that M2M physicality now, I am BLESSED in that I briefly had the most beautiful love of a wonderful man in here just over a year ago; and I have the emotional love of two other wonderful men in here who continue to help me through the heart-break; along with several other marvellous correspondents who assist. I am very lucky to have met so many amazing people, and all HERE in this thread.
May your journey on this new road be a happy one for you.
All the best: JohnnyX.
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Thankyou johnnyX for your words and I am glad that you have some close friends who you can love ~ May I just add that when I said "no matter what the cost" I meant that even if I was eventually killed for loving so, then so be it. At least I would've experienced the depth of love, to me it's way beyonf physicality, to me you only have "the one" that you can share that with, but yes like I mentioned it's way beyond physicallness, It's more like Universal, Galatic, Spiritual, sometimes words aren't enough ~ Music certainly says it better! :)
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A warm welcome Gavern, glad that you found us, as you can see we are quite a friendly bunch, I look forward to seeing you around the place. ;)
Nax.
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Thank you everyone for support and comments... It really means a lot. It was not easy to open my heart and tell you all what I was really feeling, and on an open internet forum, but whatever the outcome I think this is healing...
:)
You know something? You are just sweet. Even pissed off you are cute.
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I started musing about BB and the people I've become close with.
I posted hesitatingly at first, about the shock of the film and the effect it had on me. I was numb. Hopefully, the astonishment felt when I got ANSWERED will never be forgotten. I was freaked out, completely.
Jack/Jack and I'mEnnisShe'sJack/Heidi and jim..../Jim actually ANSWERED my post.
I didn't quite know what to do. Should I ignore it? Use caution? Or---god help me roflmao>>>ANSWER BACK?
I answered back.
Very soon, I asked about BBM the short story and four people sent me copies. That opened a new world, The World Of Proulx.
I made friends. Ok, I figured it's the internet, it doesn't matter much.
THEN I found myself using PM's. They were an interesting experience lol. In every case, it was through a pm that friendships began.
Sometimes a PM from nowhere.
The person who is my oldest Forum friend, the one who first crossed the boundary into reality is The Scandalous Tellyouwhat. I had read tellyouwhat's posts and liked them. Got curious, started to follow her posts and finally sent a PM saying I loved what was written, liked the style, liked the grace, and only someone with a first class mind could have combined all that with the content.
It was rather daring on my part. For real. I didn't even know tellyouwhat was a SHE until she told me the little symbol by her avatar--and I wasn't sure what that was--meant people were male or female. We both started posting on the same thread, PM'd frequently. Then we exchanged phone numbers.
And USED THEM!!!
Started talking.
By then, the Brokeback Effect had led me to re-establish a friendship with my ex. By then it had led to asking my now wife if she might want to try.... By then it had led me into a renewed passion for my home town, NYC: 1/2 an hour from Times Square by subway, and I had not gone to the City for anything but Christmas sales for at least 3 years. Where I made a new friendship, with a non-forum Brokie who had seen the film, moved to the Rockies, been attacked with a tire iron and had to move back. By then it had instigated a move on my part to Colorado, a move made with intent to marry...
Now, I had met a few Forum members briefly---at a 'virgin' Forum screening in Manhattan, one which had odd vibes; at a second Forum screening on 42nd street where I met a Famous Italian Sausage who Chucked me. [lol] In Denver, where we had lunch with Cactusgal. But nothing like what Ellen suggested below.
One day Ellen called and said she had placed a notice in TDS--which she was co-editing by then--about an event up in Casper, Wyoming. Both wanted to go and both of us were very hesitant. We prodded each other and actually went. It was a remarkable weekend and a remarkable cast: Ellen, me, my now wife; Annie Proulx's Rancher Friends, given seats at our banquet dinner table; Linda Hasselstrom; Annie Proulx; Pete Tannen's I love Jack and Ennis Cowboy-Boot Slipcovers; Ennis's Truck; and half of what became The Denver Crew.
It was there where I really 'met' forum people and have never regretted it.
If someone interests you, if their posts intrigue you, send a PM. You may well find yourself new friends, ones you really love.
Ellen, canstandit, frontranger, lauragigs, johnbeene, WLAguy, EDelMar--they were at my wedding, some flew long distances, some drove. I treasure all of them: it all started with a PM.
Even the BBQ at Estes Park.
Use PM's. You won't regret it. All you need are 5 posts and the system is open to you.
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Now i'm really going here!
Who and how many have I physically met? Away from forum gatherings that is, such as the BBQ the denver crew planned up at estespark?
Tellyouwhat, canstandit,ministering angel, royandronnie,wlaguy, wells, cactusgal, penthesilea [BM}, frontranger{DC-BM}, ifyoucan'tfixit {bm},johnbeene, lauragigs{BM DC},michaelflanagansf, rodneywy,baycityjohn,edelmar,petetannen,jstephens9[bm dcf J/E], cellardweller, Miss Annie Proulx. Oh LOL can't leave out Jakey Gyllenhaal's daddy out! OR the dazzling desertrat/Martina of Vienna! roflmao
and that's the start, I have to stop! I've taken trips to LA to visit wlaguy, am going to Arizona to meet the nuts there in the desert, have been to Long Island to meet rodney.
If you are new, keep coming back.
Your life may change, and change for the better.
You will like us.
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And as you can see........... some of us are quite enthusiastic ((((((Jack)))))
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If someone interests you, if their posts intrigue you, send a PM. You may well find yourself new friends, ones you really love.
I sent my first PM on a hot July night 2006, after a lot of musing and writing and re-writing. The title I chose was 'This is a declaration of Love'. I didnt mean I was 'in love' with him.....he was gay (of course LOL!!!!), I meant that I felt him as a brother to me. Then I held my breath and hit 'Send', and went to bed. He wasnt on line, because of the time difference. But he answered quite soon. It changed my life. No exaggeration in saying this. It brought me love, and sorrow, and amusement, thrills, immense heartbreak, new perspectives. I still don't know where this will bring me at the end of this road. I'm gonna fight with teeth and nails to keep the good things that meeting him gave me.
(((hugs)))
PS ....and there are people as well who don't even bother to answer back. >:(....Well this is life too, I suppose! But, guys, can't you be more courageous??? At least say 'Thanks, but Im not interested'! Does it cost you so much??
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I had a text from Catia. Her neighbour used floor wax on the landing stairs, and Catia slipped and fell on her face.... The pain is now bearable and she is home. Not sure if her nose will ever be the same as its still too swollen, but she can breath, and in her words nothing else matters...
Poor thing, but at least she is now home. Have been worried desperately about her...
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Thank you everyone for support and comments... It really means a lot. It was not easy to open my heart and tell you all what I was really feeling, and on an open internet forum, but whatever the outcome I think this is healing...
:)
You know something? You are just sweet. Even pissed off you are cute.
Thanks Jack... Thats really nice :)
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And a slight update from me, albeit by text message...
Earlier I was complaining that I had a really bad cold...
The reply from my Mr BBM, was 'Do I need to spread ashes on Brokeback'
I replied 'Maybe'
And he said 'On Standby'
Am I a fool to hold any hope...? These are just text messages, but that is the second time he has mentioned the film un-prompted...
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And a slight update from me, albeit by text message...
Earlier I was complaining that I had a really bad cold...
The reply from my Mr BBM, was 'Do I need to spread ashes on Brokeback'
I replied 'Maybe'
And he said 'On Standby'
Am I a fool to hold any hope...? These are just text messages, but that is the second time he has mentioned the film un-prompted...
Of course you're not a fool to hope --
anyway you couldn't NOT hope, fool or no.
My wish for you is that you can remember he is new to BBM fever and may have to get through an emotional arc with some of it.
I hope your cold is better. :) maybe you should text him back -- "too early for ashes"
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I was thinking (and thank you Mia :) for reminding me) to invite Mia herself and Ayuni, who joined us only recently, to read and post in the 'BBM impact on women' thread http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8730.1770 who has been sleeping since July.....
No need to read through all the pages.... :D.....But I know for experience that after the first BBM shock we might feel the need for some W2W talk and thoughts-sharing (and all our dear male friends are welcome too, of course :-*)
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maybe you should text him back -- "too early for ashes"
Thanks... This is a great idea... Next time he mentions it, I will definitely text this back.... :-*
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maybe you should text him back -- "too early for ashes"
Thanks... This is a great idea... Next time he mentions it, I will definitely text this back.... :-*
Definitely too early. You have to ignite, burn, and explode first!
Don't worry we have loads of powder kegs all backed up for ya. ;) :-*
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And a slight update from me, albeit by text message...
Earlier I was complaining that I had a really bad cold...
The reply from my Mr BBM, was 'Do I need to spread ashes on Brokeback'
I replied 'Maybe'
And he said 'On Standby'
Am I a fool to hold any hope...? These are just text messages, but that is the second time he has mentioned the film un-prompted...
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Sweetheart)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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And a slight update from me, albeit by text message...
Earlier I was complaining that I had a really bad cold...
The reply from my Mr BBM, was 'Do I need to spread ashes on Brokeback'
I replied 'Maybe'
And he said 'On Standby'
Am I a fool to hold any hope...? These are just text messages, but that is the second time he has mentioned the film un-prompted...
gosh, i don't know what to say....i would hope so much for you, darling....if i had enough influence on the ways of the world, i guess you know what i would do... ;) :-*
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(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi121.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fo236%2Fjackspictures_2006%2Fmoonlight.jpg&hash=8a185f66a91843fdbc14ffa006d47d51aaeafdfb)
Moonlight
Sept, 2007
Photographer, Adam Jones/edelmar
Who is that cowboy: RodneyWY
Location: Brokenback Mountain, Wyoming
and that is how Brokeback Mountain affected THEM
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OhMyGod. This is breathtaking. Thank you, Jack, for sharing this with us....such a beautiful reminder of the myriad ways we have all been brought low, and been raised up, by this story.
Thank you, Adam, and Rodney.
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Beautiful picture.
It could inspire someone to write a song.
Wyoming Moon
by BayCityJohn
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z04_WrTNAZ8 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z04_WrTNAZ8)
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John, you ARE inspired. The music is gorgeous, honey. Thank you so much.
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Thanks Jackie.
I'm working on a new song entitled "Oatmeal Cookies"
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Bwahahahahahaahahha!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :-* :-* :-*
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John, I love the piece you wrote. Am I the only one who didn't know you had such skill? It is a hypnotically soothing piece, very much in keeping with the placid mood of the silhouette photo. Art creates art. Thanks to all you guys.
Betty/neatfreak
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Thank you Betty
It's just a little ditty I had in my head for awhile. The picture inspired me to actually finish it.
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BTW, is that Scorpio behind Rodney?
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BTW, is that Scorpio behind Rodney?
I think it is. We're looking south and Scorpio definitely would be there at that time of year.
OMG Rodney is a Scorpio.
This plavce is freaking me out :o
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wow great pic!!
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Beautiful picture.
It could inspire someone to write a song.
Wyoming Moon
by BayCityJohn
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z04_WrTNAZ8 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z04_WrTNAZ8)
john, this song is sooooo beautiful ! i love it. it's a perfect music for a mind journey/ meditation....
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John, that is a great song!
I first saw that photograph when Adam asked for an opinion on some of his pictures, and was blown away by it. Told him it had just been stolen for a wallpaper lol. Which it was--it replaced the iconic shot of the boys on the mountain at sunset, after FNIT [I ain't queer..]
With any luck it will win the contest he entered it in because it really is gorgeous.
By the way, Rodney sent me an email last week about that very picture. HE HADN'T THOUGHT ANYONE WOULD LIKE IT BUT HIM!!!
It took my breath away.
Adam takes fine photos, he managed to do a shot of the NYC Skyline that was actually...different. Can you imagine?? And it's the most photographed skyline on earth! Very Beautiful, i want to get both of them blown up, signed and framed lol.
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I know many of you have been wondering where I disappeared to.
Well, I'm not so sure myself...
I think there's a number of things going on.
Generally I experienced that the focus in my life swung back from the forum to real life.
I needed to work more again, as I had neglected my work too much and the picture in our bank accounts was pretty bleak. And what can I tell you - I enjoyed working, and the feeling of really getting things done. Lovely!
At the same time there were a number of appointments coming up that badly ate into the time available for anything, and we're way not finished yet. Plus some old worries that had been sleeping came into the foreground again.
All this took time, and also a lot of my mental capacity.
But that's outside stuff and of course there were things happening inside me, too, just I wasn't sure what to make of them.
It seemed that my relationship with the movie and with the forum had somehow cooled off. The movie didn't fascinate me, have a grip on me like it used to, all of a sudden. And as to the forum, my feelings towards it were somewhat schizophrenic: I didn't feel at all ready for all that fun talk that I mostly engaged in, I didn't have that lightness inside me. Yet at the same time I missed you people, and I do often think of you.
It is funny to see the stages that the movie has put me through, so far, and I think I'm still not finished and this is still all part of the effects that it has caused and pushed into action.
In the first days and weeks after seeing BBM this spring I could hardly think of anything else, and I cried a lot. It got me started thinking about myself and my life and I realised something needed to change.
Some things did change, I felt I became more lively, was connected more to my deeper self, I was in a new mental mode and lost 10 kilos of weight. I was here a lot and I really let it out, I had a lot of fun. All this was part of my daily routine, and of course that was disrupted when the school summer holidays started.
Of course they are long over again by now but somehow I feel like I slipped back into things as they were before and I do not feel good with it. So in a way after all these months I'm back to square one.
Thinking about all of this, yesterday I was reminded of a quotation from Hermann Hesse's Demian: "Ich wollte ja nichts als das zu leben versuchen, was von selber aus mir heraus wollte. Warum war das so unendlich schwer?" (Wikiquote has this as the rather heavy "I was only trying to live my life in accordance with the principles which sprang from my own true self. Why was that so very difficult?")
So, to sum it all up, I'm confused...
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((((Katie)))))
You know I always feel that there is a price to pay for every post here, and not necessarily much to be gained. And sometimes that price is too high. I hope you get some sort of balance back however that may be.
As for being back to square one... you can never be back to square one. All that change and growth that happened inthe spring and early summer? If you hadn't had that where would you be now? and lets not discount the importance all of the many friends you have made here.
Hang in there girl. :-* :-* :-*
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As for being back to square one... you can never be back to square one. All that change and growth that happened inthe spring and early summer?
Thanks, Sarah! :-*
You are so right, of course, and I thank you for reminding me, that is something I certainly shouldn't forget.
And I'd say as long as thoughts are happening, and things are fermenting inside, hope's not lost and something will come out of it. Eventually.
If you hadn't had that where would you be now?
I don't know where but I know what: fatter! ;)
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If you hadn't had that where would you be now?
I don't know where but I know what: fatter! ;)
EXACTLY!!! My wieght watchers leader is always keen to point that out to us :D :-*
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Katie, I just thought you were busy dieting with the rest of us over on BBM Lovesick Diet
<<<<<<<<<runs fast from thread
lol
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Katie, I just thought you were busy dieting with the rest of us over on BBM Lovesick Diet
<<<<<<<<<runs fast from thread
No need to run!
I'm still proud of having lost weight. (And need to work more to earn enough money for buying new clothes as the old ones look horrible on me now!) Although I intended to, and there's certainly still room for improvement, I have stopped losing.
I realised that it's a state of mind that enables me to lose weight. I'm still hoping of trying to get back there. At the time, started by BBM killing off my appetite for days, it was more like a fierce decision: I cannot change a lot of things but I can change myself, and this was one way to do it, and a very visible one at that!
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((((katie))))
i'm not sure but i think i know what you mean: in the beginning, there were so many emotions that the movie unleashed. after a while, we started processing those emotions. we made some changes in our lifes, we gained more life quality through those changes. and then, one day, we realized that this isn't everything. brokeback doesn't hold all the secrets in life and sometimes, it just isn't enough. there are other places, other people, other experiences we need to make our life full and "round". life isn't like the old quote the star trek fans used: "everything i ever needed in life i learned from star trek." no movie, no story, can give us EVERYTHING we need. it would be pretty sad if it did, because we would be rather one-dimensional beings.
those were the feelings that i had a couple of months ago, i'm not sure it's the same you are feeling but i guess....?
when i felt that way, i started inviting other things (back) into my life. it shortened my forum time, i fell out of the top ten posters list ( ::) :D)....but i felt "round" again. it didn't mean that i left the forum, above all, i have made a couple of really good friends here, and this is the best way of constant communication with them. but the forum doesn't rule my life, and as much as we love the movie, it shouldn't be the center of our life. if it was, we would have learned NOTHING from it. we would stay an ennis - hidden in another trailer, still not open and happily living in the world. ;)
i hope all the sorrows in your life will be cleared soon... ;) :-*
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It seemed that my relationship with the movie and with the forum had somehow cooled off. The movie didn't fascinate me, have a grip on me like it used to, all of a sudden.
thanks for Sharing Katiebre, I'm sort of going through the same thing too. I watched BBM with a friend a week ago and for the first time in months I didn't cry. I was quite amazed at myself and even more so because I slept well after, I usually can not sleep for hours after viewing.
It seems that I am at the end of the digestion process. and it feels good to be able to think about other stuff other than BBM
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((((katie))))
i'm not sure but i think i know what you mean: in the beginning, there were so many emotions that the movie unleashed. after a while, we started processing those emotions. we made some changes in our lifes, we gained more life quality through those changes. and then, one day,
... I realised that I had slipped back into the old ways.
That I still need to look out for what's good for me.
But you are absolutely right in saying that BBM isn't everything. After all we are deeply rooted in our real lives here in the real world. This is where things happen. And this is where it counts.
The movie was the big kick to get us rise up and start figuring out what needs to be done (and of course, to eventually do it)!
when i felt that way, i started inviting other things (back) into my life. it shortened my forum time, i fell out of the top ten posters list ( ::) :D)....but i felt "round" again. it didn't mean that i left the forum, above all, i have made a couple of really good friends here, and this is the best way of constant communication with them. but the forum doesn't rule my life, and as much as we love the movie, it shouldn't be the center of our life. if it was, we would have learned NOTHING from it. we would stay an ennis - hidden in another trailer, still not open and happily living in the world. ;)
Good point.
I never quite achieved a good time management where this forum was concerned.
i hope all the sorrows in your life will be cleared soon... ;) :-*
Thank you, Martina.
So do I.
And thanks Ayuni!
Yes, after a while real life blends in slowly again. But I am sure that digestion process takes much longer than a few weeks.
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I have some reaction to all of the above.
My feelings toward the movie BBM have also cooled off considerably. I still think it's a great movie, I still get emotional (and tearful, but not quite as tearful) every time I watch it, and I still try to live by the lessons it held for me. But I don't think about BBM the movie every day.
For me, even my Forum experience has moved beyond strictly BBM. I've been involved in the book and film clubs, reading other books and watching other movies which shared something in common with BBM, yet were different. Books about other times in the American West. Books about modern gay characters (fiction or non-fiction). And keeping up friendships with people from all over, through places like the Diner -- where we talk about everything under the sun.
One benefit of meeting new people has been the chance to go places and do things I never imagined I would. When did I ever imagine that I'd be walking around Chelsea and Greenwich Village at night ... or sitting on a NYC park bench on a sunny afternoon listening to jazz and watching people walk their dogs ... or touring a Masonic Hall ... or listening to people sing karaoke at a gay bar in DC ... or attempting to keep up with an instructor for line dance and two-step lessons? Or even going to some really fun restaurants? That's thanks to all of my new friends and acquaintances, and you can't continue being an Ennis doing those things.
But, for me, the best part of this whole experience has been the friendships that I have developed in-person with various people at the different gatherings. Some of you are very special to me. And if there were no such thing as "Brokies" any longer, I would still want you to be in my real life as friends. The Forum is just a link between us when we can't be together in person.
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You know I always feel that there is a price to pay for every post here, and not necessarily much to be gained. And sometimes that price is too high. I hope you get some sort of balance back however that may be.
Wow! Sounds serious.......I'm not sure I understand what you're meaning ???
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In the first days and weeks after seeing BBM this spring I could hardly think of anything else, and I cried a lot. It got me started thinking about myself and my life and I realised something needed to change.
Some things did change, I felt I became more lively, was connected more to my deeper self, I was in a new mental mode and lost 10 kilos of weight. I was here a lot and I really let it out, I had a lot of fun. All this was part of my daily routine, and of course that was disrupted when the school summer holidays started.
Of course they are long over again by now but somehow I feel like I slipped back into things as they were before and I do not feel good with it. So in a way after all these months I'm back to square one.
I understand where you're coming from Katie. I've felt the same way many times in the past year.
You can never go back to square one. You're way past that now.
I've been on the forum for a year and a half now, and I can remember how in them earlier days all my friends thought I was losing it, that this was an unhealthy obsession. At the time I didn't know how to explain to them what the forum was really about. I also spent the whole day here most of the time, even if it caused me to get behind at my job.
And while all of that was going on, I never really felt that anything had changed. That is until I lost my job in March of this year. At first I thought I would never have a good job again. The economy in Michigan is really poor. I knew I could maybe get a job in Chicago, but that was 6 hours from home and I dreaded the thought of moving at my age. Of course I talked about all of this on the forum while it was happening, and what got me through it all was the love and support of many people on this forum. I had more than a few people offer me a temporary place to stay while I looked for a new job. I eventually took someone up on her offer, and I will never be able to thank her enough.
So now I'm living and working in a part of the country that I've dreamed about for many years. I just never had the motivation to change my life and really do it.
I still feel the need to make changes. A couple of weeks ago I felt that I was back at square one too. I posted a couple of comments here, and a lot of people picked up on how I was feeling.
I suppose this is a group therapy session for a lot of us. Nothing wrong with that.
Somehow it always comes back to something Jari said way back:
Brokeback provided us with a language of loss that we all could understand. Brokeback hit us directly in the heart and ripped our protective layers to shreds. It left us vulnerable and raw, but also alive. Brokeback cannot give meaning or purpose to our lives, but it has exposed the need, shown us that we may have lost our direction and we need to reclaim it.
Whenever I'm feeling like things aren't right, I either read it again or listen to it:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=k3t7INA8P4o (http://youtube.com/watch?v=k3t7INA8P4o)
Just that fact that you are posting your feelings today Katie means you are trying to reclaim your direction. So you have indeed changed.
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You know I always feel that there is a price to pay for every post here, and not necessarily much to be gained. And sometimes that price is too high. I hope you get some sort of balance back however that may be.
Wow! Sounds serious.......I'm not sure I understand what you're meaning ???
not sure whether i'm misinterpreting suzie's post...but it certainly did mean something to me, because i often feel like this as well. by posting about my innermost feelings, i make myself vulnerable to many. not necessarily something i feel comfortable with and i am used to. and second, what's sometimes even worse, i risk being ignored. being ignored sometimes hurts even more than getting a snarky remark from some other poster. it happened to me a couple of times in the past, sometimes maybe because people were too busy and overlooked my post, sometimes they maybe didn't feel like they had anything to contribute or sometimes maybe they didn't even understand what i meant. but whatever the reason, my immediate thoughts were "they don't like me, i'm just annyoing everybody and essentially, nobody is interested in my life and my feelings."
if your not very self-confident, this can actually be very dangerous. you risk having your life depend on some postes somewhere in the world - your whole world breaking down when your post is not answered....not a healthy situation.
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Ok, Martina I get what you mean. And I am answering your post because I'm interested in your life and feelings ;)............ ;D
...seriously, yes there is truth in what you say. Maybe because this forum spoilt us a bit, there's so much love going around here that we're a little addicted to this, arent we? and if, for once, any little word we say is not warmly welcomed we might feel abandoned? Being ignored hurts. Man, it hurts!!
It can be unhealthy, I agree.
This must not become a refuge from our real daily world.
There's a little melancholy around here these days, or is it just me?
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Yeah, I've been stung by a total lack of response a few times. I think it has more to do with timing than anything. If the conversation strikes the readers one way and my post takes another tack, there might not be any followup. Or maybe my post is just saying "me too." I always hope to reach someone with a post (don't we all?), but it doesn't always work that way. I would encourage reluctant/hurt posters to continue to try every once in a while; because, generally speaking, I've never seen a more supportive audience than the members of this thread. That's what keeps me coming back here.
Betty
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I would encourage reluctant/hurt posters to continue to try every once in a while; because, generally speaking, I've never seen a more supportive audience than the members of this thread. That's what keeps me coming back here.
Oh yeah, Betty, I agree. If I have to make a balance, the positive responses I've had surely exceed the silences. A LOT.
Angry remarks, never. And this IS great.
No doubt the level of kindness and intelligence here is outstanding.
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It can be unhealthy, I agree.
This must not become a refuge from our real daily world.
There's a little melancholy around here these days, or is it just me?
I think this forum is a healthy refuge from the 'real' daily world. Not for everyone, but for many of us.
We are all 'real' people here, and I don't see that online communication is any less valid than any other reality.
Yes I feel the melancholy too lately, but I know things will pick up again when something big happens such as the new opera. Stay tuned :)
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I would encourage reluctant/hurt posters to continue to try every once in a while...
And there is no harm in PMing someone whose post was seemingly ignored, if it was one you appreciated but did not have the time or inclination to respond to publicly, to at least say "I hear you."
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You know I always feel that there is a price to pay for every post here, and not necessarily much to be gained. And sometimes that price is too high. I hope you get some sort of balance back however that may be.
Wow! Sounds serious.......I'm not sure I understand what you're meaning ???
It is so interesting how one post can mean so many different things to different people.
What the original comment meant to me (and it was immediately meaningful!) was completely different from what Martina wrote.
And yet, there's so much truth in what Martina is saying (of course, as usual!). I am somewhat reluctant to post personal things, like here, too. Yes, people are so kind and supportive here, but you never know just who else is reading. Or whether you're going to regret some things you wrote, for being too open, later on. But I find that even sitting down and starting to write with the intention of posting it here is a good way to clarify things for myself in my mind.
So, what hugsuzie's comment on paying a price for every post meant to me:
The time that I spend here is time stolen from work, and the consequence is that I either have to make up for it later in the day/evening or I end up earning less. I'm a freelancer and not on a salary: If I don't work I don't earn any money, and my family depends on what I earn.
So in both ways it's a price I have to pay for being and posting here. And I have already paid a big price.
(I feel it's so shallow to keep talking about money but unfortunately it's such a necessity!)
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And thanks to John, too, for these kind words.
You can never go back to square one. You're way past that now.
<...>
Just that fact that you are posting your feelings today Katie means you are trying to reclaim your direction. So you have indeed changed.
Thanks for letting me know your experience with being in this forum. It does sound familiar!
And I had to think of your above words today during the day a number of times. You must be right. And realising that things (I) are not the same as they used to be feels so good!
Somehow it always comes back to something Jari said way back:
Brokeback provided us with a language of loss that we all could understand. Brokeback hit us directly in the heart and ripped our protective layers to shreds. It left us vulnerable and raw, but also alive. Brokeback cannot give meaning or purpose to our lives, but it has exposed the need, shown us that we may have lost our direction and we need to reclaim it.
This is so interesting.
When I first came here it was these words that Jackie quoted for me. (I copied them so I have them offline, too!)
Jari is such a genius, he really hit the nail on the head.
And with this I take leave for a couple of days again, since we are going away until Sunday.
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while I agree...with the post at any rate!--you also wrote about a bud of mine.
"Jari is a genius"
--thems words ya don't here every day
roflmao you all have GOT to stop setting these up, they are just too easy...
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I'm still working on my post for this thread; it's a 'work in progress'; but I will agree with those who say don't be afraid to PM someone whose posts may not have been acknowledged, or with someone who you feel a connection with, you never know what will happen. I PM'd with a few in the beginning, and still do with some of them. Then I tried PM'ing with others I felt a 'connection' with: no response at all. Which was fine, but since I'm more Ennis than not, I stopped trying to PM others. Then, out-of-the-blue, some of the ones I had hoped to connect with, PM'd me! It was like a dose of Fresh Air, changed my whole outlook here. Life is like that for me now, taking baby steps, but I will NOT go back to the way I was before, don't laugh but I lurked here for 18+ months before joining.......still kicking myself over that............haha....I have met some of the most wonderful and warm souls in here, and so many, many intelligent, articulate and thoughtful posters too......just amazing really.........
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Flyboy (Jonn), I am glad you have joined and have decided to reach out to some people.
PMs can be a good way to get to know people, a good way to exchange ideas. Don't be afraid to try it -- sometimes you do get answers. I see it happening here a lot.
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Ok, Martina I get what you mean. And I am answering your post because I'm interested in your life and feelings ;)............ ;D
...seriously, yes there is truth in what you say. Maybe because this forum spoilt us a bit, there's so much love going around here that we're a little addicted to this, arent we? and if, for once, any little word we say is not warmly welcomed we might feel abandoned? Being ignored hurts. Man, it hurts!!
It can be unhealthy, I agree.
here i go again with the AA analogies, but...
in AA much is made over the newcomer's every triumph. in early days every 30 days of continuous sobriety is acknowledged by the groups, and often medallions are awarded, 30, 60, 90, after that, some but not all groups, hold off until 6 months, then medallions and speeches and even cakes often accompany the first continuous year of sobriety...
after that, its just once a year, and all the attention goes back to the newcomer. it is then time for the grown up work. maybe the same principle applies.
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yes.period
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while I agree...with the post at any rate!--you also wrote about a bud of mine.
"Jari is a genius"
--thems words ya don't here every day
roflmao you all have GOT to stop setting these up, they are just too easy...
Oh, Jack, I posted a comment that I deleted about Jari and this post. Jari is a "bud" of mine, as well, and would probably be somewhat thrilled and unhappy, in equal measure, about this... ;) Right, darling?
He just needs to accept that his posts give meaning to many people....you and I included....lol...so here I am, agreeing with you. Surprise! :D
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it is then time for the grown up work.
OK I got the message. As I already told you, you are and always have been a support for me.
Thank you for reminding me that our little/big self is not the center of the universe.
And that there are people around us who really have a hard time, and need help.
Grazie Jack! Ti voglio bene.
I'm going back to work now ;)
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We are all 'real' people here, and I don't see that online communication is any less valid than any other reality.
.....mmmh............online is great but.....probably 90% or more of human communication is non-verbal in life...
I would really like to communicate with some of you face-to-face!!
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We are all 'real' people here, and I don't see that online communication is any less valid than any other reality.
.....mmmh............online is great but.....probably 90% or more of human communication is non-verbal in life...
I would really like to communicate with some of you face-to-face!!
You can... come to Oxford next year ;)...
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Who knows?
Not easy for me, technically....and also psicologically I admit......not that I wouldn't like it, I mean!
Thank you :-*
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dahlia, betty, katie, jack, jack (no, i'm not stuttering ;D), john, flyboy - thanks for your thoughtful responses! this time i didn't feel ignored at all ;)
i'm glad there are more people who sometimes feel like me - it makes me feel less weird. ;D
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dahlia, betty, katie, jack, jack (no, i'm not stuttering ;D), john, flyboy - thanks for your thoughtful responses! this time i didn't feel ignored at all ;)
i'm glad there are more people who sometimes feel like me - it makes me feel less weird. ;D
Martina, sweetheart, I have met you, I have read you AND you are not weird - you are just much more interesting and multifaceted than the vast majority of people. As are many here are.
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Oh and did I mention Beautiful and Intelligent.....?
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dahlia, betty, katie, jack, jack (no, i'm not stuttering ;D), john, flyboy - thanks for your thoughtful responses! this time i didn't feel ignored at all ;)
i'm glad there are more people who sometimes feel like me - it makes me feel less weird. ;D
Meine liebe, you know I feel like you most of the time ;) ;D :-*...
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Martina, sweetheart, I have met you, I have read you AND you are not weird - you are just much more interesting and multifaceted than the vast majority of people. As are many here are.
multiple personality ? :D :D :D
nick, thank you. :-* it means a lot to me. i will never forget that moment when we first met, still remeber your smile - it was like meeting an old friend i had not seen for a while. ;) hope to meet you again soon....
Oh and did I mention Beautiful and Intelligent.....?
there is only one answer to this....(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi61.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fh55%2Fdesertrat77%2Fsmilies%2Fthkisses6vi.gif&hash=9ce8000705b9a0dcc63c56b07f28254e6d8575f6)
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dahlia, betty, katie, jack, jack (no, i'm not stuttering ;D), john, flyboy - thanks for your thoughtful responses! this time i didn't feel ignored at all ;)
i'm glad there are more people who sometimes feel like me - it makes me feel less weird. ;D
Meine liebe, you know I feel like you most of the time ;) ;D :-*...
oh yes - i know i don't need to explain myself to you - and neither do you ;)
i guess another smooch is needed...(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi61.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fh55%2Fdesertrat77%2Fsmilies%2Fthkisses6vi.gif&hash=9ce8000705b9a0dcc63c56b07f28254e6d8575f6)
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dahlia, betty, katie, jack, jack (no, i'm not stuttering ;D), john, flyboy - thanks for your thoughtful responses! this time i didn't feel ignored at all ;)
i'm glad there are more people who sometimes feel like me - it makes me feel less weird. ;D
Meine liebe, you know I feel like you most of the time ;) ;D :-*...
oh yes - i know i don't need to explain myself to you - and neither do you ;)
i guess another smooch is needed...(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi61.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fh55%2Fdesertrat77%2Fsmilies%2Fthkisses6vi.gif&hash=9ce8000705b9a0dcc63c56b07f28254e6d8575f6)
Never enough smooches from you, never enough... ;)
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Oh my... I can't wait 'til December... ;D :-*
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[i'm glad there are more people who sometimes feel like me - it makes me feel less weird.]
Thanks for the 'acknowledgment', and no, you aren't weird; I, for one, enjoy your posts :D
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Ive stayed away from Brokeback for quite a while. After its revelation, many great, explosive things came along, and they all took me to a place I'd never been. Nine months ago, I passed out at work (I was more physically fit than Id ever been). Ive had extreme vertigo and fatigue ever since. I have been and am still seeing doctors. Started to what Brokeback for the first time in at least that long. Your prayers (if you're the praying kind), your meditaton (if you are the meditating kind) and your thoughts are all welcome. Thanks, all!
Michael
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HI Michael, welcome back.
kinda quiet around here sometimes, but still a lot going on.
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Hello everybody,... Thank you for reading my story...
hey ivan,
lydia emailed me your story a couple days ago, but i was really busy and just read it now. it was a real treat. it made me sad in a way, but mostly hopeful. you seem to have your head on right, and you'll find the right path.
i was so happy you shared your story with us. it was wonderful.
belated welcome to our forum.
d
p.s., i never met anyone from serbia, so that was a treat, too. i met a couple from montenegro over mardi gras in new orleans this spring. that was the closest i got. we don't have enough ethnic diversity in denver. i miss that.
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I would encourage reluctant/hurt posters to continue to try every once in a while; because, generally speaking, I've never seen a more supportive audience than the members of this thread. That's what keeps me coming back here.
Oh yeah, Betty, I agree. If I have to make a balance, the positive responses I've had surely exceed the silences. A LOT.
Angry remarks, never. And this IS great.
No doubt the level of kindness and intelligence here is outstanding.
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I would encourage reluctant/hurt posters to continue to try every once in a while; because, generally speaking, I've never seen a more supportive audience than the members of this thread. That's what keeps me coming back here.
Oh yeah, Betty, I agree. If I have to make a balance, the positive responses I've had surely exceed the silences. A LOT.
Angry remarks, never. And this IS great.
No doubt the level of kindness and intelligence here is outstanding.
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Hey Kublixer!
Welcome to this thread!
.....and I really would like to encourage you to express what you feel.
I am curious, so I looked at your previous posts ;)
I understand you don't have a lot of time.....but you are precious to us all :)
Just don't worry and post.....ask if you need help!
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BTW, is that Scorpio behind Rodney?
Nope, Sagittarius...
:)
-Adam
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[i'm glad there are more people who sometimes feel like me - it makes me feel less weird.]
Thanks for the 'acknowledgment', and no, you aren't weird; I, for one, enjoy your posts :D
thank you ! ;) :-*
hey michael - my thoughts are with you, positive energy is on it's way over the ocean... ;)
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BTW, is that Scorpio behind Rodney?
Nope, Sagittarius...
:)
-Adam
Of course! The teapot! I don't know what I was thinking when I said Scorpio. My bad.
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Hey, kublixer, welcome! I went to your profile and read your previous posts too. You've been around for awhile; I'll bet you've been reading a lot. I know how hard it is to reach out, but you've got something very important in common with every person here. Someone here has probably been where you are now. This is a safe place to speak; please post whenever you can.
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Kublixer....
What Betty said ^^ This IS a safe place, friend. Thank you for being here. :-*
-Jackie
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BTW, is that Scorpio behind Rodney?
Nope, Sagittarius...
:)
-Adam
Of course! The teapot! I don't know what I was thinking when I said Scorpio. My bad.
Would it help Betty if I told you that I AM a Scorpio who just happened to pose with Sagittarius?
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Well, here's an experience I had last night at the wedding.
I was approached by one of my friends, he was also the very first person I came out to. he was talking to me about some things, and then he mentioned the fact that I had my shirt unbuttoned down two buttons, and was showing off some chest hair, which is something I had never done before.
from there, the conversation took a more serious turn, and I told him that I kinda felt like that I wasn't spending enough time with "the group", and missing out with them, due to the get togethers with the brokies. He told me that "the group" had mentioned that, and that they didn't see it that way.
They were all very happy that I have met you (and the bm members), and that I had bonded with people who had some of the same thoughts and issues that I do, that you all could be there for me in ways they couldn't.
He also said that they were watching the changes I've been going through (weight loss, personality, confidence) and were viewng it as my own journey of self growth, and are waiting for the time that I bring that 'special someone' to them to meet.
Went home feeling really good.
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...and hopefully really proud of yourself, darling ! because you have every reason to be proud.
i'm glad that your friends are able to be happy for you. they are good friends. :)
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Well, here's an experience I had last night at the wedding.
I was approached by one of my friends, he was also the very first person I came out to. he was talking to me about some things, and then he mentioned the fact that I had my shirt unbuttoned down two buttons, and was showing off some chest hair, which is something I had never done before.
from there, the conversation took a more serious turn, and I told him that I kinda felt like that I wasn't spending enough time with "the group", and missing out with them, due to the get togethers with the brokies. He told me that "the group" had mentioned that, and that they didn't see it that way.
They were all very happy that I have met you (and the bm members), and that I had bonded with people who had some of the same thoughts and issues that I do, that you all could be there for me in ways they couldn't.
He also said that they were watching the changes I've been going through (weight loss, personality, confidence) and were viewng it as my own journey of self growth, and are waiting for the time that I bring that 'special someone' to them to meet.
Went home feeling really good.
I am so happy for you! You are blessed with very good friends and, as Martina said above, hopefully you are feeling very proud of yourself.
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Those are the BEST friends, Chuck. The kind who take your interests to heart and love and support you, knowing this growth time is good for you, and support you in it. How lucky you are to have them and they you! :-*
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Sounds like the kinda friends to have Chuck. ~~~~~Go Chuck~~~~~ ;D
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Would I be right in assuming that apart from a very few, for most of us, Brokies are the only source of support and encouragement when it comes to all things Brokeback. At best, I'm still regarded with mild amusement and no little incredulity by those that know me. If it wasn't for you lot here I'd implode I think. :)
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Would I be right in assuming that apart from a very few, for most of us, Brokies are the only source of support and encouragement when it comes to all things Brokeback. At best, I'm still regarded with mild amusement and no little incredulity by those that know me. If it wasn't for you lot here I'd implode I think. :)
Hi Andy, I've not yet posted how Brokeback affected me as I'm still trying to sort it all out, but I would agree with your statement above! My friends (and family) just shake their heads when I reference the film so I've pretty much stopped doing it. This is my haven here for all things Brokeback. It has helped a lot to know that there are thousands of people all over the world who were very deeply affected by this film, that I am not alone. If it wasn't for the people here I don't know what I would do.
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Would I be right in assuming that apart from a very few, for most of us, Brokies are the only source of support and encouragement when it comes to all things Brokeback. At best, I'm still regarded with mild amusement and no little incredulity by those that know me. If it wasn't for you lot here I'd implode I think. :)
Hi Andy, I've not yet posted how Brokeback affected me as I'm still trying to sort it all out, but I would agree with your statement above! My friends (and family) just shake their heads when I reference the film so I've pretty much stopped doing it. This is my haven here for all things Brokeback. It has helped a lot to know that there are thousands of people all over the world who were very deeply affected by this film, that I am not alone. If it wasn't for the people here I don't know what I would do.
You (both) took the words right out of my mouth. I would be lost if I thought I was the only one affected by the movie like this...
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I'd say we were in the best of company, right? And the level of get togethers and reunions around the world are testament to that!!
Having said that, I did fly with someone recently who was so impressed with my enthusiasm for the movie that she can't wait to see it! I even showed her the publicity booklet with all the stills in and comments. She went through the pages most carefully taking in all the wonderful pics.
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Would I be right in assuming that apart from a very few, for most of us, Brokies are the only source of support and encouragement when it comes to all things Brokeback. At best, I'm still regarded with mild amusement and no little incredulity by those that know me. If it wasn't for you lot here I'd implode I think. :)
I haven't experienced that. Most of my friends have been very supportive and interested in what I've been going through.
Of course now that I'm in California, ALL of my friends are Brokies.
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Would I be right in assuming that apart from a very few, for most of us, Brokies are the only source of support and encouragement when it comes to all things Brokeback. At best, I'm still regarded with mild amusement and no little incredulity by those that know me. If it wasn't for you lot here I'd implode I think. :)
I think in the early days for me, I did not really tell family and friends what I was going through, and needed to get the love, encouragement and support of the new friends that I had made here...
Following my trip to the states last year, I started to get my RL back on track, and that meant telling a lot of friends, not family (that would be too far for me), and I have received such support and love from them, and many think that I am more settled within myself than they have ever seen...
Not one of them has a bad word to say, and will openly talk about the film and its impact on me...
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Would I be right in assuming that apart from a very few, for most of us, Brokies are the only source of support and encouragement when it comes to all things Brokeback. At best, I'm still regarded with mild amusement and no little incredulity by those that know me. If it wasn't for you lot here I'd implode I think. :)
I feel the same.
The only exception is my husband, who tries to understand what it means for me (true that I don't leave him any other alternative.......... :D). And for most part, he's at a loss. Not easy to explain verbally to someone who doesn't share the obsession, even if he's the dearest and closest person for me.
Luckily though, facts speak more than words.
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Would I be right in assuming that apart from a very few, for most of us, Brokies are the only source of support and encouragement when it comes to all things Brokeback. At best, I'm still regarded with mild amusement and no little incredulity by those that know me. If it wasn't for you lot here I'd implode I think. :)
I feel the same.
The only exception is my husband, who tries to understand what it means for me (true that I don't leave him any other alternative.......... :D). And for most part, he's at a loss. Not easy to explain verbally to someone who doesn't share the obsession, even if he's the dearest and closest person for me.
Why it's such a rush to meet a Brokie for the first time and be able to talk about it and not just type. I went through this a second time this summer, in French! I called john_john in Montreal while on a beach in Florida. I was so excited to talk Brokeback in French I could hardly contain myself. I was pacing back and forth in the sand jabbering away oblivious (almost) to the people staring at me. :D
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I remember my excitement a couple of months ago in a video store here in Portland when a fellow noticed an "I love Jack and Ennis" button that I had loaned to a friend. Turned out the guy was a member of our forum: Sagebrush dan. Gave him the button right away and promised my friend another.
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Yeah Kim! I enjoyed that talk it's the only conversation I've had about BBM with somebody normal !
I've come to see people who didn't get BBM as really weird.
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Yeah Kim! I enjoyed that talk it's the only conversation I've had about BBM with somebody normal !
I've come to see people who didn't get BBM as really weird.
Jean, ain't that the truth? I feel the same way..No BBM understanding? Who ARE you? lol
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Yeah Kim! I enjoyed that talk it's the only conversation I've had about BBM with somebody normal !
I've come to see people who didn't get BBM as really weird.
Jean, ain't that the truth? I feel the same way..No BBM understanding? Who ARE you? lol
Frankly, I haven't been able to understand how some people were not affected by this film at all. It cut so deep into my soul that I can't fathom having walked out of the theater thinking "okay, that was nice. What shall I see next?"
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Yeah Kim! I enjoyed that talk it's the only conversation I've had about BBM with somebody normal !
I've come to see people who didn't get BBM as really weird.
Jean, ain't that the truth? I feel the same way..No BBM understanding? Who ARE you? lol
So the sooner you lot get your arses over here for UK08 the better!! Right? Let's mingle ;D ;D
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Yeah Kim! I enjoyed that talk it's the only conversation I've had about BBM with somebody normal !
I've come to see people who didn't get BBM as really weird.
Jean, ain't that the truth? I feel the same way..No BBM understanding? Who ARE you? lol
So the sooner you lot get your arses over here for UK08 the better!! Right? Let's mingle ;D ;D
For me it's been,
2 yrs ago "enrolling in an on-line forum? Never!!! Not for me, it's stuff for teenagers/desperate housewives/people looking for Internet dating!"
today "Wow I almost hit 400 posts!!! When am I gonna have the next star???"
1 yr ago "going to a BBM meeting? Nah, already spent too much time online....."
today "UK08!!! Oxford! It'd be great! I need to organize! Really need to convince my husband!!! I need this thing so badly!"
;D ;D........OK OK I am slow.........I know :-[
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Well, Bella Milano ain't so very far away is it Dahlia? ;D
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No, Andy, not really far....... ;)
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Go, Dahlia, go Dahlia! To Oxford. ;D I want to meet you in person. I will vouch for some of the people here. ;) ::) ;D ;D ;D
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I want to meet you in person.
Me too, Jackie darlin'........ :-*
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Okay…so here I am again….stop rolling your eyes Johnny boy…lol
I’ve come to conclusions …I gotta tell ya that to me this is hard to admit…seeing how it really is….Remember how it was when we were so obsessed?. How we agreed with eagerness..how we had so much in common that we wanted to burst? That excitement that finally someone GOT us ?...”The honeymoon is over”…said a friend…I laughed at first but then I couldn’t help myself from feeling sad…
I knew from the beginning that all this jazz wasn’t going to last forever…I knew that somehow our differences were really going to separate us in the long run. Yes,we still will keep some friends…those we thought were good friends are no longer, some we are still discovering and knowing better. It’s all human nature.
Our obsession was intense…we fought with our spouses,or our lovers over this…my God,I was almost divorced! What a crazy trip that was…but I learned. I learned how to cope with the death of my first born child…the death of my best friend in high school…all my experiences in my life growing up in the inner city of Chicago…The “hood”..my life’s experiences with death and violence…how I survived….you were all there for me ..you all listened….you shared a part of yourself I thought I would never see. We fought, you made me cry…you even hurt my feelings..but in the end,you put your arm around me and said..”Nellie,this is what it is…DEAL with it.” I can’t tell you how I would have been if 2 years ago didn’t happen…if this movie didn’t grab us in the end and rubbed our noses in it. I can’t thank you hard enough for the memories I had in Texas,in Chicago, or Bay City . I just wanted to bring that up one more time.
I’ve come to realize now that this is what it is. We’ve come familiar with each other now,we see each other’s bad habits…our obsession is now gone. We are different people now…changed forever by this wonderful movie, Brokeback Mountain. Two fictional souls who brought thousands of people together in this thread and elsewhere. Who would of thought? Dave Cullen can now use this thread any way he chooses…write a book,become famous….who knows..good luck to you . Hope you get a chance to be in Oprah…lol
I don’t want people sugar coating things…”Oh honey,we still have each other,not just as often as we’d like”….uh huh…only time will tell. I’m not going to cross that bridge until I get there. Love is a force of nature?...can’t force friendship…can’t pretend that some of us really are not compatible…we can still be civil with one another…we can still laugh…hold on to it’s memory for as long as you’d like.
I really,really hope that this thread, this Forum, helped many of you out there. Not just the silly threads..the TV one’s…Jake’s eyelashes for Pete’s sake…but the serious one’s. I don’t see many newbies out there any more…I still see lots of “guests” though…and let’s be honest folks….many of us Forum members log on as “guests” only because some days we just don’t want to be discovered…I’m guilty of that as well. Call it anti social…I don’t care. We’re just here for what it is….
I ‘m finally in terms with the real reality of it all…and I’m okay with it now…I’m really okay and it still feels good.
Nellie
Nellie and everyone, I would like to say that there ARE still others out there who are newbies like myself and being affected by this movie for the first time, even this late. I have been reading these forums and it has helped me considerably to deal with what I first called my Brokeback Attacks !! I am not the type of person to post on forums much, but just felt it necessary to do so now. I finally saw the movie for the first time in Sept. 2007 ( almost two months ago) and saw it again about 3 weeks ago. I did not expect the reaction I had, and after reading about 1&1/2 years worth of posts from others, I realized that I was not crazy and that my obsession was not unique to me. I have been crying off and on since seeing the movie, and after I got the short story and read it about 12 days ago, I find myself quoting lines from the book to myself and tearing up. I wish there was a thread for newbies who are just now going through what everyone else seems to have already experienced. If anyone knows of such a thread, please let me know. Anyway, I just wanted to say that it is still new for ME and I am glad that I had a place to come and read posts by others who had been through it. And Nellie,"this thing..." (forum thread), even though it may not last forever, it is still helping people out there!!
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Hey Tenn_Man, welcome to the forum... And glad that you are finding some solace in your reading...
Look forward to sharing experiences with you :)
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Welcome, tenn_man! This is the place for newbies, too; there just aren't that many anymore. We love that you feel free to speak about that whirlwind of emotions you're going through. No, you're not crazy, and there are literally thousands of people here to agree!
That punch in the gut is a wake-up call that something, somewhere, isn't sitting right with you. It may take a long time for you to figure out what it is and what you're going to do about it. You've seen that journey chronicled here for so many. It has meant so many different things to different people. Jump in, ask questions, and try not to feel self-conscious in doing so. Every one of us here has felt that "noob" shyness. You're safe here, my friend, and perhaps someone here has gone through similar things in his own life.
If you'd like to discuss this more with fellow newbies, you can PM them after you have left five posts anywhere on the forum. Jump in!
Betty/neatfreak
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Nellie and everyone, I would like to say that there ARE still others out there who are newbies like myself and being affected by this movie for the first time, even this late. I have been reading these forums and it has helped me considerably to deal with what I first called my Brokeback Attacks !! I am not the type of person to post on forums much, but just felt it necessary to do so now. I finally saw the movie for the first time in Sept. 2007 ( almost two months ago) and saw it again about 3 weeks ago. I did not expect the reaction I had, and after reading about 1&1/2 years worth of posts from others, I realized that I was not crazy and that my obsession was not unique to me. I have been crying off and on since seeing the movie, and after I got the short story and read it about 12 days ago, I find myself quoting lines from the book to myself and tearing up. I wish there was a thread for newbies who are just now going through what everyone else seems to have already experienced. If anyone knows of such a thread, please let me know. Anyway, I just wanted to say that it is still new for ME and I am glad that I had a place to come and read posts by others who had been through it. And Nellie,"this thing..." (forum thread), even though it may not last forever, it is still helping people out there!!
Hi Tenn_man!
I am also new at this. Saw the film September 30 and keep on seeing it. And this forum really helps. While figuring things out. I wouldn't mind a thread to talk to other newbees. Welcome Tenn_man
Edited to fix quote
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thanks to everyone for the welcome! I am glad that I am not the only "noob" here. I do have questions and comments, and it is comforting that there are people to share this with. I agree that somehow this movie has reached out to a certain group of people that have watched it, somewhat like the people in the movie, "close encounters" who were somehow "chosen" and had visions of the peak which they recreated in drawings and even mashed potatoes, and were mysteriously drawn to that mountain, where of course the mother ship was waiting. I feel like one of those people. I know everyone here feels somehow connected to this movie in ways that others do not understand. It is as if things inside of me were pulled up to the surface. I still don't know exactly why I have been so obsessed with this movie, but I hope to sort it out as time goes by. I have been left with one huge change already. I realize how important it is to share my feelings with those I love. I think I had forgotten that simple truth some time ago.
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Welcome tenn_man :)
This is the place for newbies to post about how they have been affected.
For general questions, we do have a topic entitled "New Members Ask - Experienced Members Respond"
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=4687.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=4687.0)
In fact, we have a whole section "Using the Board: Site Map, FAQs, Rules "
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?board=5.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?board=5.0)
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Nellie and everyone, I would like to say that there ARE still others out there who are newbies like myself and being affected by this movie for the first time, even this late. I have been reading these forums and it has helped me considerably to deal with what I first called my Brokeback Attacks !! I am not the type of person to post on forums much, but just felt it necessary to do so now. I finally saw the movie for the first time in Sept. 2007 ( almost two months ago) and saw it again about 3 weeks ago. I did not expect the reaction I had, and after reading about 1&1/2 years worth of posts from others, I realized that I was not crazy and that my obsession was not unique to me. I have been crying off and on since seeing the movie, and after I got the short story and read it about 12 days ago, I find myself quoting lines from the book to myself and tearing up. I wish there was a thread for newbies who are just now going through what everyone else seems to have already experienced. If anyone knows of such a thread, please let me know. Anyway, I just wanted to say that it is still new for ME and I am glad that I had a place to come and read posts by others who had been through it. And Nellie,"this thing..." (forum thread), even though it may not last forever, it is still helping people out there!!
Oh gosh,
I said I wasn't going to post in here anymore and YOU made me..lol...well,actually because you only have 2 posts and need 5 in order to recieve PM's...damn,hurry up and post some more so I can PM you instead...;)
I'm so glad you decided to speak up,finally...I know what it's like ...I know that for the next few months after you saw this movie for the first time ,you will question your sanity.. your friends and family will think you're nuts...I know you will quote many things from this movie in your day to day life...forever...Oh God,what else?....oh yeah..I know you will have a hard time sleeping some days and that your appetite won't be the same,you even lose some weight...and I know that you want some questions answered like,yesterday? ...Ohhhh,so many things are going to pass thru your head...so many why's and what took me so long...
As crazy as this Forum can get...this thread here is the right one for you....go into the Meet Your Neighbors threads too... here...http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8797.0
I really hope you stick around and get a chance to get to know a few people in here...and I want to thank you for your reply to my post hon....it really means a lot.
Nellie
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Nellie: I Told ya so!I Told ya so!I Told ya so! ;D
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Nellie: I Told ya so!I Told ya so!I Told ya so! ;D
what he said^^ ;D ;D ;D
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Nellie: I Told ya so!I Told ya so!I Told ya so! ;D
what he said^^ ;D ;D ;D
shut up!! bwahahahah
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Tenn_man, welcome. This is a very good place to get your questions answered, honey. And to find friends who understand what you are going through, as you figure it out for yourself.
It is also a place where, as Nellie and her banter with BCJohn and Jack proves, we can laugh together, enjoy each other's company, be silly, and CARE about each other.
:-*
Jackie
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Hi Tenn_man!
After two years I still choke up on Ennis' final "Jack I swear..." or Jack's "It could be this way. Just like this, always" so I guess I'm done for.
This story lingers and moves in waves inside me so I guess I'm an eternal newbie.
It hasn't changed my life, it has made it clearer.
You are most welcome here.
JJ
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May I add my Welcome Tenn Man, I promise you won't be sorry you joined the Forum, there are many, many warm, thoughtful, intelligent and understanding foks here. You will see. They are good listeners too. I like John/John, see things much clearer now, thanks to this wonderful story. Stay with us! FB
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Thank you all so much. I think I can learn and grow here, and hopefully come through this with the help of folks like you all!
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Tenn_man, sent you a PM today. Stay with us!
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Welcome Tenn_man.
I'm also a newbie.
reading the posts and personal stories here has tremendously helped me deal with my feelings and reaction to BBM
Stay with us. I highly reccommend it.
Ayuni
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Tenn_Man, welcome to the DaveCullen forum! It's great to have you here!
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Thanks again and just want to say I enjoy being part of the group.
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Welcome Tenn_Man! Good to see you
Sal ;D
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Hi! All:
I'd like to introduce you to my new friend, Dwayne. Treat him as nice as you treated me.
Bobby
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Sheesh! Not that you wouldn't! I was writing that so he could see kind of how it works. He's going through a bit of a crisis at the present and I can find no better place to direct him than here...where all of my wonderful friends are. This Forum has meant the world to me, and maybe Dwayne will find a 'home' here also.
Bobby
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Hi,
I am a gay closeted male. I am married with 2 children and 2 grandchildren. I came out to my wife after the birth of our 1st son some 35 years ago. She has been supportive, but I have been extremely depressed and unable to sleep more than 2-3 hours per night. The Dr. put me on Wellbutrin and Ambien CR which has helped but I don't want to be on chemicals forever. At the suggestion of my therapist, I came out to 3 of my best long time friends this summer and it has been very positive.
Any suggestions
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Hi,
I am a gay closeted male. I am married with 2 children and 2 grandchildren. I came out to my wife after the birth of our 1st son some 35 years ago. She has been supportive, but I have been extremely depressed and unable to sleep more than 2-3 hours per night. The Dr. put me on Wellbutrin and Ambien CR which has helped but I don't want to be on chemicals forever. At the suggestion of my therapist, I came out to 3 of my best long time friends this summer and it has been very positive.
Any suggestions
Hi Dwayne,
As a straight(ish) female I have no suggestions but wish to extend a very warm welcome to you.
I'm positive some of the men will be able to produce some suggestions tho!!
Sal ;D
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Hello Dwayne! Welcome to Dave Cullen Forum! Glad you are here! You're among friends!
Here are two threads you may want to look at.
This one is called "Why Am I Gay? Nature? Nuture?"
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=309.0
And this one is called "Coming Out, How & Why"
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=638.0
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Hi Dwayne,
As a straight(ish) female I have no suggestions but wish to extend a very warm welcome to you.
I'm positive some of the men will be able to produce some suggestions tho!!
Sal ;D
Hi, Dwayne. I echo what Sal says ... welcome to our Forum.
I found your post because Bobby mentioned on another thread that he had introduced a friend of his here. You are lucky to have Bobby for a friend.
There are many men here who have been in similar situations, and I'm sure they'll be able to give you some more specific advice. The best thing I can tell you, as a woman, concerns your feelings of depression. It's just my opinion that a lot of that can be caused by keeping things bottled up inside you, and that as you begin to come out to more people and get positive reactions from them, you will start to feel better.
I hope so! And please come back here often. Also, those threads that Chuck mentioned may be very helpful for you.
Debbie
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Hi,
I am a gay closeted male. I am married with 2 children and 2 grandchildren. I came out to my wife after the birth of our 1st son some 35 years ago. She has been supportive, but I have been extremely depressed and unable to sleep more than 2-3 hours per night. The Dr. put me on Wellbutrin and Ambien CR which has helped but I don't want to be on chemicals forever. At the suggestion of my therapist, I came out to 3 of my best long time friends this summer and it has been very positive.
Any suggestions
Hi Dwayne, and welcome.
I, too, am a straight female so....I'm not venturing to give you specific suggestions.
Yet, I think that coming here and simply speaking can be of great help......I am looking forward to listening to you, and so are many others! :)
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Hi,
I am a gay closeted male. I am married with 2 children and 2 grandchildren. I came out to my wife after the birth of our 1st son some 35 years ago. She has been supportive, but I have been extremely depressed and unable to sleep more than 2-3 hours per night. The Dr. put me on Wellbutrin and Ambien CR which has helped but I don't want to be on chemicals forever. At the suggestion of my therapist, I came out to 3 of my best long time friends this summer and it has been very positive.
Any suggestions
Welcome to the forum, Dwayne! You are definitely among friends here!
Hi Dwayne, and welcome.
I, too, am a straight female so....I'm not venturing to give you specific suggestions.
Yet, I think that coming here and simply speaking can be of great help......I am looking forward to listening to you, and so are many others! :)
What she said.............
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Hi,
I am a gay closeted male. I am married with 2 children and 2 grandchildren. I came out to my wife after the birth of our 1st son some 35 years ago. She has been supportive, but I have been extremely depressed and unable to sleep more than 2-3 hours per night. The Dr. put me on Wellbutrin and Ambien CR which has helped but I don't want to be on chemicals forever. At the suggestion of my therapist, I came out to 3 of my best long time friends this summer and it has been very positive.
Any suggestions
Dearest Dwayne,
Bobby told me about you last night, by phone...I cannot tell you how happy I am that you came here. Keep talking, dear one...to your friends, to us, to your wife...that has been the key for me, to not be afraid to state any issues...if you are not ready, then lurk here, read what has been said in the past by others who are in your boat...it CAN be done, dear one...Bobby is an example of someone who did what was necessary to his soul. After you make 5 posts, you can accept and send pm's (private messages) and don't be surprised if you are sent a few from those who want to help. I hold you in my arms, my friend, til you can stand by yourself....we are here for you.
((((((((((Dwayne))))))))))
-Jackie
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Hello, Dwayne. Do your children know? I ask because you only mentioned your wife and 3 of your friends as knowing.
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No,
My children do not know and I want to tell them. Are there any ways that soften the blow?
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Hey Dwayne! I'd like to add my welcome to you here too. I'm afraid I can't offer any advice about informing kids about what has been hidden. It's good though that you want for them to know. Has Bobby made any suggestions to you in the way he informed his children? At least with children of their own they are old enough to be more prepared for acceptance than younger ones.
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Welcome Dwayne,
My partner was married as a young man and has kids. In my limited experience your kids will handle this better than you might think. If you have been a good and loving father that tips the balance way over to your side. If your wife is supportive of you that tips it even more your way. In fact, you and your wife might want to consider setting the kids down and telling them jointly, to show solidarity. Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner might be a good time. They'll remember that one.... :D
I'm optimistic for you. I also believe that huge secrets like this can play hell with your psyche, depression being the least of what can go wrong. Revealing who you are can be very freeing. And I wish you the absolute best.
Monte
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Thanks Monte,
It is great to hear of a "personal experience", even though it was your partner.
We live in a small town and I am quite well-known. It will be the subject of a lot of gossip when it all comes out. I will probably have to leave town which means separating myself from my kids and grandkids. This makes it a bit harder--actually a lot harder.
Dwayne
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Thanks Monte,
It is great to hear of a "personal experience", even though it was your partner.
We live in a small town and I am quite well-known. It will be the subject of a lot of gossip when it all comes out. I will probably have to leave town which means separating myself from my kids and grandkids. This makes it a bit harder--actually a lot harder.
Dwayne
Oh yeah, the whole gossip subject.
Unfortunately, you will find that where ever you go. I'm not going to ask your kids' ages, that's too personal, but is it possible they already know? I only say that because when I came out to my friends, they all said they knew, and had been waiting for me to admit it. My mother told me she knew from the time I was 8 years old.
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Hi,
I am a gay closeted male. I am married with 2 children and 2 grandchildren. I came out to my wife after the birth of our 1st son some 35 years ago. She has been supportive, but I have been extremely depressed and unable to sleep more than 2-3 hours per night. The Dr. put me on Wellbutrin and Ambien CR which has helped but I don't want to be on chemicals forever. At the suggestion of my therapist, I came out to 3 of my best long time friends this summer and it has been very positive.
Any suggestions
Hello Dwayne. First I wish to add my "voice" to that of others on here, in welcoming you to this thread. You have already seen what caring people there are here, to TRY to help as best they can, each in his / her own individual way.
Next: my situation has a few similarities with yours, but not quite the same.
I have been married for over 30 years, still loving my wife deeply, deeply, deeply. We have two adult children who have happily -- for them and us -- flown the coop years ago. No grandchildren here yet, but hopefully that is because we taught them to try to live their own lives to the full first. I saw BBM almost 2 years ago now. Was gut-punched by it. Months later went searching on the internet to see if anyone else was affected this way, and found this Forum. Read here for many months, and eventually got up the nerve to post. But always preserving my anonymity. And still do, except in the rarest of cases. On this thread I met and very quickly fell in love with another man, who is married in Massachussetts to another man. We soon had cyber-sex, and soon for the first time in my life, I realised that I wanted him physically. So I came here as a straight man, and soon discovered that I was bi. BUT a pecualiarity of my situation is that right through and ever since all of this I loved and love my wife deeply, and have no wish to part from her, ever (during our joint lifetime). BUT I also wanted HIM physically -- as well as emotionally.
My wife gave me an ultimatum that if I ever pursued that part of me, our marriage was over; and I do not want it to be over. He also loves his husband and had no wish to end his marriage; and neither of us was considering our ever shacking up together; so we were at an impasse. It all ended when he decided that he could not handle loving two men at the same time, and our agreement had always been that if our marriages were threatened, then our relationship would have to end. And so it did. To my continual regret.
Now, none of this is likely to help you at all in your situation, which I expect is vastly different. However, I just thought that you might take some comfort from reading about someone else in a vaguely similar situation. There are other bi-guys on here who have posted their stories, but we are few and far between; and not necessarily supported by many of our gay brethren in here, I am sad to say.
I send you my wishes for a successful working through of the many issues involved, and just hope that you will encounter love and acceptance by your family as you do so.
In my own case, our younger son (20) took it in his stride when I told him, and recounted to me some of his own teenage homosexual exploits around home, which I had had no inking of; although now looking back, I do recall that he was close friends for a while with a couple of slightly older boys. Our elder son was not judgemental about it, but was un-nerved by it, and did not want to hear the story which was gushing out of me. I basically told him that if this was in me, and if it should be genetic in some way, then it is likely to be in him too, or possibly may be passed on to his sons or grandsons; and that he needed to be aware of the full situation, to help him better deal with such situations when/if they ever arose. He then shut up and let me have my say for an hour or so.
Sorry for that addendum, but I thought again that there might be something of value in it for you.
Best wishes on your new journey. Regards: JohnnyX.
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JohnnyX
Thanks for your thoughtful reply. On the contrary, I do find our situations similar. I do love and care for my wife and always will. But I do find myself physically attracted to members of the same sex. She and I have also agreed that when I sleep with another male, that will be the end of the marriage. I have been faithful to her, but it seems at a price. I do not currently have same sex relationship, but have been attending gay functions.
I didn't understand if you'd had same sex relationships previous to marriage or not. I had 2 serious same sex relationships in college and several "one night stands". So I knew I was gay when we married, but I thought that a loving heterosexual relationship would fix it! Sorry! It doesn't work that way.
So do I tear apart a relationship? If I do, will the depression cease? Will normal sleep patterns return?
We are currently separated temporarily, while I try to find a direction to my life.
Thanks again,
Dwayne
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JohnnyX
Thanks for your thoughtful reply. On the contrary, I do find our situations similar. I do love and care for my wife and always will. But I do find myself physically attracted to members of the same sex. She and I have also agreed that when I sleep with another male, that will be the end of the marriage. I have been faithful to her, but it seems at a price. I do not currently have same sex relationship, but have been attending gay functions.
I didn't understand if you'd had same sex relationships previous to marriage or not. I had 2 serious same sex relationships in college and several "one night stands". So I knew I was gay when we married, but I thought that a loving heterosexual relationship would fix it! Sorry! It doesn't work that way.
So do I tear apart a relationship? If I do, will the depression cease? Will normal sleep patterns return?
We are currently separated temporarily, while I try to find a direction to my life.
Thanks again,
Dwayne
Oh Dwayne: you ask some VERY deep questions here, which I do not feel that I am qualified to answer. Hopefully others on this list who are better qualified will share their thoughts with you, on them.
But I can answer about my pre-marital relationships: NO, they were all heterosexual.
Dwayne, although Sydney now has an international name for its annual Gay Mardi Gras, the Australia which I grew up in was (and still largely continues to be) EXTREMELY HOMOPHOBIC.
So any possible tendency towards homosexuality was to be stamped out hard! You seem to understand this also, with your expectation that it would go with heterosexual marriage.
However there was ONE very unexpected "event" one night when I accidentally met a straight man who I had shared a house with for some time. I went back with him to his new apartment, had coffee and talked until the early hours of the next morning. He invited me to stay the night, which was easier for me than to try to get home with no transport available that late. He went down on me, when I had been expecting to sleep. (Yeah, I am very dumb!) With my strong fundamentalist religious upbringing, that made me feel dirty. I immediately rose, showered, and left. That was my only M2M event. NOW I wish that I had been of a different frame of mind. ROFL.
Now, back to your questions:
Do you tear apart a relationship?: It sounds as if you have both already decided to give you the space to make that decision for yourself. Don't rush into deciding, is about the best that I can say here. Sorry to be so useless in that answer.
Will the depression cease: I think that we are all so different that no-one could definitely answer that question. For myself, I think that having depression means that for evermore I will have been weakened emotionally by it; so it would probably only need some more large issues to occur, and my depression would be completely back again -- I am guessing.
Will normal sleep patterns occur? Hopefully they might even occur NOW whilst you are separated -- especially when you can now masturbate to your heart's content! Go for it. You might find that it results in lots of nice relaxing sleep! Hope so. BUT of course, you are also mentally trying to sort out all of the MANY issues involved in your life, including weighing up choices, etc. THAT is a massive reason not to be sleeping well, as even during sleep, your subconscious will be working away on them. My recommendation for that would be if it might be possible, to tire yourself out by hard PHYSICAL work: in the garden perhaps. Or lots of swimming, hard walking, light running, bicycling, etc. Anything which will tire you out so much that when you get to bed you will just fall into an exhausted, but healthy restful sleep. Sorry, you will even be too tired to masturbate on those nights too. ROFL.
Hoping again, that something in this might help you.
AND hoping that others here in the forum will chime in with their thoughts on your questions.
Hang in there! JohnnyX.
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Hi,
I am a gay closeted male. I am married with 2 children and 2 grandchildren. I came out to my wife after the birth of our 1st son some 35 years ago. She has been supportive, but I have been extremely depressed and unable to sleep more than 2-3 hours per night. The Dr. put me on Wellbutrin and Ambien CR which has helped but I don't want to be on chemicals forever. At the suggestion of my therapist, I came out to 3 of my best long time friends this summer and it has been very positive.
Any suggestions
Dwayne, welcome, welcome, WELCOME! This forum I know will be able to aid you in your journey; it's helped us all!
:)
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I didn't understand if you'd had same sex relationships previous to marriage or not. I had 2 serious same sex relationships in college and several "one night stands". So I knew I was gay when we married, but I thought that a loving heterosexual relationship would fix it! Sorry! It doesn't work that way.
So do I tear apart a relationship? If I do, will the depression cease? Will normal sleep patterns return?
We are currently separated temporarily, while I try to find a direction to my life.
Thanks again,
Dwayne
Dear Dwayne,
I have no experience comparable to yours. I came out to myself when I was 22, a little later to friends, and gradually to the world. I never had any heterosexual experience. What I can add to your 'case' is that I know from experience and research that keeping secrets is harmfull for your physical and mental heath. Keeping your secret a secret costs energy and causes stress, resulting in pathology, as depression, sleeping problems, etc. However, sharing a secret does not automatically solve those problems. I think it takes time to get rid of those, but that opening up is a prerequisite for healing. But you have to realise that disclosure may have contraproductive effects, such as temporarily alienation and gossip.
I think it is a good idea to come out to your children first. They have a right to know. How would you feel when you discovered that one of you children is gay, but kept it from you? In any case, they should be the first to know, before you tell others. Otherwise you might expose them to rumours and gossip.
I wish you all the wisdom you need for the decisions you have to make and the actions you have to undertake. These are the most difficult moments in a man's life. But they will pass, think of that.
Art
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JohnnyX
Thanks for your thoughtful reply. On the contrary, I do find our situations similar. I do love and care for my wife and always will. But I do find myself physically attracted to members of the same sex. She and I have also agreed that when I sleep with another male, that will be the end of the marriage. I have been faithful to her, but it seems at a price. I do not currently have same sex relationship, but have been attending gay functions.
I didn't understand if you'd had same sex relationships previous to marriage or not. I had 2 serious same sex relationships in college and several "one night stands". So I knew I was gay when we married, but I thought that a loving heterosexual relationship would fix it! Sorry! It doesn't work that way.
So do I tear apart a relationship? If I do, will the depression cease? Will normal sleep patterns return?
We are currently separated temporarily, while I try to find a direction to my life.
Thanks again,
Dwayne
Welcome Dwayne! I am assuming your grown children know you and your wife are seperated. Are they wondering why, are they not asking questions?
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Thanks to all of you for your replies. Particularly JohnnX and Art. You obviously gave a lot of time and thought into your responses. You know, when I'm just thinking about this most(all?) of the time, I lose my perspective. It really helps to have some one react to my ideas and questions. It gives them a context and I'm better able to focus. It seems our society puts us in such a black hole, that when light comes from someone who's been there, the situation doesn't seem quite as grim.
The questions I posed were obviously difficult ones to predict an outcome. The fact that you took the time is really appreciated.
Thanks
Dwayne
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Lola,
Great question. They all know how I whine about the cold weather, so when I said I'd be gone south for a month, they thought it was just me.
Dwayne
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Dwayne, just adding my 'welcome' to the Forum, stay with us, this place is full of folks willing to help you along your journey.
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Art,
There is some problem with the PM you sent. It keeps kicking me of the internet. I'll have to delete it, if you could send it again.
Sorry
Dwayne
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Coming out and telling anyone about how you really are, after years of holding it in and keeping it secret is not and never will be easy, for most of us anyway.
Admitting to being atracted to men (if you are a man ::)), is doubly difficult, because of the inherent social stigma and the total uncertainity of how those you tell will react. Unless such subjects are common conversation subjects in your circle, how could one know?
But there may come a time when you just have to say something, you just have to be brave.
My choice to speak out came when I met some someone (here in the forum), who I knew I could live my life with. A recognition of kinship, not embedded in sex and lust, that moved me to want something other than what was an empty, and often dark and miserable life.
I never had a battle with myself, I knew I was gay from an early age and accepted it once I was old enough to understand it. However, telling friends and family was not something I wanted to do - there was no reason to. I never expected to find someone for me, I wasn't even looking. But someone was there (kisses babe). Eventually, as it turned out, I waited 25+ years from the time I understood myself to finding love (18 months ago), keeping it a secret from almost everyone. But, there was a moment, an epiphany, when it was right to tell family and friends, and be damned. I wanted to live my life for me, not for others. I chose to look for happiness. The days before I "opened up" were terrifying and tortuous. But, it was like a switch had been clicked inside me; it was something that had to be done.
I was lucky, all those who are important to me, just said "well, OK!", or "So?", or often "Oh, yes, I already guessed". I can't say it will be the same for others who have to let others know who they really are. It is possible you may lose some friends or family, in doing so, but hopefully not. Acceptance is all you can realistically hope for (it can be a big deal for some people), take anything greater than that as a blessing. Steel yourself for the losses if they come.
I chose to chance on happiness, and faced whatever that brought to me.
Nick
Oh yeah! To the newbies, Welcome! Some of us here have been around this particular block (the forum) several (thousand) times. So there are many varied and often deep pools of experience for you to tap into here.
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Nick that just brought a tear to my eye! :'(
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I never had a battle with myself, I knew I was gay from an early age and accepted it once I was old enough to understand it. However, telling friends and family was not something I wanted to do - there was no reason to. I never expected to find someone for me, I wasn't even looking. But someone was there (kisses babe). Eventually, as it turned out, I waited 25+ years from the time I understood myself to finding love (18 months ago), keeping it a secret from almost everyone. But, there was a moment, an epiphany, when it was right to tell family and friends, and be damned. I wanted to live my life for me, not for others. I chose to look for happiness. The days before I "opened up" were terrifying and tortuous. But, it was like a switch had been clicked inside me; it was something that had to be done.
I was lucky, all those who are important to me, just said "well, OK!", or "So?", or often "Oh, yes, I already guessed". I can't say it will be the same for others who have to let others know who they really are. It is possible you may lose some friends or family, in doing so, but hopefully not. Acceptance is all you can realistically hope for (it can be a big deal for some people), take anything greater than that as a blessing. Steel yourself for the losses if they come.
I chose to chance on happiness, and faced whatever that brought to me.
Well, you know Nick this is such a beautiful story....
I know how it's difficult being gay here, in this country of mine - Italy - where I happened to be born, grow up and live....but I hoped that in other and, from this point of view, more 'civilized' countries, more 'secular' if I'm able to explain myself, less burdened by the heavy Catholic heritage and by the patriarchal Southern-European machismo it could be different....But as it turns out, it's not so.
Nobody ever, when I was a teenager, spoke to me in favor of gay rights and yet , ever since I knew what the word 'homosexual' means..... ever since I read Oscar Wilde's delicious novels and plays and learnt about the story of his life...... and when Pier Paolo Pasolini was killed in 1975 and the media took his private life and tore it to pieces with a total lack of human compassion trying to make HIM a monster and an immoral person who in the end deserved what he got.....it was so clear to me that everybody should be free to love and make love with anyody he/she wants, the way they like. I never had a doubt about this.
But apparently, homosexuality is still today perceived as such a scandalous and threatening issue for our society and culture...and this causes so much pain and losses.
So glad you won your battle! I wish you a lot of happiness. :-*
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Well, you know Nick this is such a beautiful story....
I know how it's difficult being gay here, in this country of mine - Italy - where I happened to be born, grow up and live....but I hoped that in other and, from this point of view, more 'civilized' countries, more 'secular' if I'm able to explain myself, less burdened by the heavy Catholic heritage and by the patriarchal Southern-European machismo it could be different....But as it turns out, it's not so.
Nobody ever, when I was a teenager, spoke to me in favor of gay rights and yet , ever since I knew what the word 'homosexual' means..... ever since I read Oscar Wilde's delicious novels and plays and learnt about the story of his life...... and when Pier Paolo Pasolini was killed in 1975 and the media took his private life and tore it to pieces with a total lack of human compassion trying to make HIM a monster and an immoral person who in the end deserved what he got.....it was so clear to me that everybody should be free to love and make love with anyody he/she wants, the way they like. I never had a doubt about this.
But apparently, homosexuality is still today perceived as such a scandalous and threatening issue for our society and culture...and this causes so much pain and losses.
So glad you won your battle! I wish you a lot of happiness. :-*
Dahlia that is so sad! And being Catholic it pains me to think the Catholic church causes people such grief. :'( I still dream of going to Italy one day (maybe next year in fact). The Italians are such lovers of life - people should be free to love whom they please!
((((HUGS)))
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And being Catholic it pains me to think the Catholic church causes people such grief. :'( I still dream of going to Italy one day (maybe next year in fact). The Italians are such lovers of life - people should be free to love whom they please!
((((HUGS)))
well Lola if you ever happen to be in this weird country.....let me know! ;)
xxxx
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I remember when I was planning to out myself I kept putting it off and off and off.
What made me decide to do it is when I told myself "The hell with it, those who truly love me will still love me, the others will have to fall by the wayside". I truly was ready to loose a lot to be who I truly was, I was prepared for the worst.
I fortunately lost no one.
Sometimes the idea is worst than the reality.
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I remember when I was planning to out myself I kept putting it off and off and off.
What made me decide to do it is when I told myself "The hell with it, those who truly love me will still love me, the others will have to fall by the wayside". I truly was ready to loose a lot to be who I truly was, I was prepared for the worst.
I fortunately lost no one.
Sometimes the idea is worst than the reality.
Yes
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Hi,
I am a gay closeted male. I am married with 2 children and 2 grandchildren. I came out to my wife after the birth of our 1st son some 35 years ago. She has been supportive, but I have been extremely depressed and unable to sleep more than 2-3 hours per night. The Dr. put me on Wellbutrin and Ambien CR which has helped but I don't want to be on chemicals forever. At the suggestion of my therapist, I came out to 3 of my best long time friends this summer and it has been very positive.
Any suggestions
Hi dwayne!
sorry we didn't get to meet in AZ last week. You will love this place. It is remarkable.
Jack
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Dahlia that is so sad! And being Catholic it pains me to think the Catholic church causes people such grief. :'( I still dream of going to Italy one day (maybe next year in fact). The Italians are such lovers of life - people should be free to love whom they please!
Lola,
Don't blame yourself for being a catholic. All religions seem to have objections toward a gay lifestyle. Here in the Netherlands we have problems with our 2nd and 3rd generation Muslim immigrants. They tend to radicalize and be violent towards gays. Watch the movie Latter Days and you get an idea of how Mormons think about gays (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGwlFTg4XBI, the whole movie is there, cut in 11 pieces). A sympathetic movie with a beautyfully filmed love scene, btw.
Art
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Coming out and telling anyone about how you really are, after years of holding it in and keeping it secret is not and never will be easy, for most of us anyway.
Admitting to being atracted to men (if you are a man ::)), is doubly difficult, because of the inherent social stigma and the total uncertainity of how those you tell will react. Unless such subjects are common conversation subjects in your circle, how could one know?
But there may come a time when you just have to say something, you just have to be brave.
My choice to speak out came when I met some someone (here in the forum), who I knew I could live my life with. A recognition of kinship, not embedded in sex and lust, that moved me to want something other than what was an empty, and often dark and miserable life.
I never had a battle with myself, I knew I was gay from an early age and accepted it once I was old enough to understand it. However, telling friends and family was not something I wanted to do - there was no reason to. I never expected to find someone for me, I wasn't even looking. But someone was there (kisses babe). Eventually, as it turned out, I waited 25+ years from the time I understood myself to finding love (18 months ago), keeping it a secret from almost everyone. But, there was a moment, an epiphany, when it was right to tell family and friends, and be damned. I wanted to live my life for me, not for others. I chose to look for happiness. The days before I "opened up" were terrifying and tortuous. But, it was like a switch had been clicked inside me; it was something that had to be done.
I was lucky, all those who are important to me, just said "well, OK!", or "So?", or often "Oh, yes, I already guessed". I can't say it will be the same for others who have to let others know who they really are. It is possible you may lose some friends or family, in doing so, but hopefully not. Acceptance is all you can realistically hope for (it can be a big deal for some people), take anything greater than that as a blessing. Steel yourself for the losses if they come.
I chose to chance on happiness, and faced whatever that brought to me.
Nick
Oh yeah! To the newbies, Welcome! Some of us here have been around this particular block (the forum) several (thousand) times. So there are many varied and often deep pools of experience for you to tap into here.
Thankyou Nick for your beautiful post. As painful as it is to read that you used to think there was no one for you, as wonderful it is now to know you have found mr right. I'm glad you didn't have to go through an identity battle.
I smile at the memory of when we met back in Tx, and it gives true hope to think about that if you guys could find each-other then there's someone for me somewhere as well in due time.
:)
-
Coming out and telling anyone about how you really are, after years of holding it in and keeping it secret is not and never will be easy, for most of us anyway.
Admitting to being atracted to men (if you are a man ::)), is doubly difficult, because of the inherent social stigma and the total uncertainity of how those you tell will react. Unless such subjects are common conversation subjects in your circle, how could one know?
But there may come a time when you just have to say something, you just have to be brave.
My choice to speak out came when I met some someone (here in the forum), who I knew I could live my life with. A recognition of kinship, not embedded in sex and lust, that moved me to want something other than what was an empty, and often dark and miserable life.
I never had a battle with myself, I knew I was gay from an early age and accepted it once I was old enough to understand it. However, telling friends and family was not something I wanted to do - there was no reason to. I never expected to find someone for me, I wasn't even looking. But someone was there (kisses babe). Eventually, as it turned out, I waited 25+ years from the time I understood myself to finding love (18 months ago), keeping it a secret from almost everyone. But, there was a moment, an epiphany, when it was right to tell family and friends, and be damned. I wanted to live my life for me, not for others. I chose to look for happiness. The days before I "opened up" were terrifying and tortuous. But, it was like a switch had been clicked inside me; it was something that had to be done.
I was lucky, all those who are important to me, just said "well, OK!", or "So?", or often "Oh, yes, I already guessed". I can't say it will be the same for others who have to let others know who they really are. It is possible you may lose some friends or family, in doing so, but hopefully not. Acceptance is all you can realistically hope for (it can be a big deal for some people), take anything greater than that as a blessing. Steel yourself for the losses if they come.
I chose to chance on happiness, and faced whatever that brought to me.
Nick
Oh yeah! To the newbies, Welcome! Some of us here have been around this particular block (the forum) several (thousand) times. So there are many varied and often deep pools of experience for you to tap into here.
{snip}..............................................
and it gives true hope to think about that if you guys could find each-other then there's someone for me somewhere as well in due time.
:)
oh yes absolutely my friend. I believe it, the world believes it and life itself knows it to be true.
N
xx
-
Dahlia that is so sad! And being Catholic it pains me to think the Catholic church causes people such grief. :'( I still dream of going to Italy one day (maybe next year in fact). The Italians are such lovers of life - people should be free to love whom they please!
Lola,
Don't blame yourself for being a catholic. All religions seem to have objections toward a gay lifestyle. Here in the Netherlands we have problems with our 2nd and 3rd generation Muslim immigrants. They tend to radicalize and be violent towards gays. Watch the movie Latter Days and you get an idea of how Mormons think about gays (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGwlFTg4XBI, the whole movie is there, cut in 11 pieces). A sympathetic movie with a beautyfully filmed love scene, btw.
Art
Being somewhat of a pessimist when it comes to human nature I fear that unless the subject is dealt with generation by generation then we will always be persecuted and prejudiced against. Of course, in some respects, things are better now but I believe it would be foolish to think that any good done now will live beyond the life of those who have come to greater understanding and acceptance. I wonder if our beloved movie hasn't done most of it's work on those already of an open and caring mind. It doesn't seem to have worked on the powers that be in Hollywood does it? Or has it???......
-
second post ever ,so , maybe out of context....but I did try to "get" the context...
I'm also pessimistic (Bush?) but,
Andy, the subject WILL be dealt with "generation by generation"...
time will cure ignorance...
like water over stone.
You are so right...."Our beloved movie" has done most of it's work....period...
but, what a work! huh?
nevermind Hollywood...the work was done for people....Hollywood might follow.
-
second post ever ,so , maybe out of context....but I did try to "get" the context...
I'm also pessimistic (Bush?) but,
Andy, the subject WILL be dealt with "generation by generation"...
time will cure ignorance...
like water over stone.
You are so right...."Our beloved movie" has done most of it's work....period...
but, what a work! huh?
nevermind Hollywood...the work was done for people....Hollywood might follow.
Hi Undecid!
Welcome to the forum.
Pull yourself a log and make yourself comfortable.
Beans and whisky are free, help yourself :)
JJ
-
I remember when I was planning to out myself I kept putting it off and off and off.
What made me decide to do it is when I told myself "The hell with it, those who truly love me will still love me, the others will have to fall by the wayside". I truly was ready to loose a lot to be who I truly was, I was prepared for the worst.
I fortunately lost no one.
Sometimes the idea is worst than the reality.
Yes
Ditto.
I fortunately lost no one either. Talk about needless fretting!! :D
-
With Thanksgiving just around the corner, we'd like to gather some thoughts on what people are thankful for. So if you'd like to contribute, please PM me and let me know what your grateful for. Although we probably won't be able to include all the responses , but look forward to hearing from everyone as we compile a special TDS Thanksgiving piece.
Thanks!
Dawn
-
Coming out and telling anyone about how you really are, after years of holding it in and keeping it secret is not and never will be easy, for most of us anyway.
Admitting to being atracted to men (if you are a man ::)), is doubly difficult, because of the inherent social stigma and the total uncertainity of how those you tell will react. Unless such subjects are common conversation subjects in your circle, how could one know?
But there may come a time when you just have to say something, you just have to be brave.
My choice to speak out came when I met some someone (here in the forum), who I knew I could live my life with. A recognition of kinship, not embedded in sex and lust, that moved me to want something other than what was an empty, and often dark and miserable life.
I never had a battle with myself, I knew I was gay from an early age and accepted it once I was old enough to understand it. However, telling friends and family was not something I wanted to do - there was no reason to. I never expected to find someone for me, I wasn't even looking. But someone was there (kisses babe). Eventually, as it turned out, I waited 25+ years from the time I understood myself to finding love (18 months ago), keeping it a secret from almost everyone. But, there was a moment, an epiphany, when it was right to tell family and friends, and be damned. I wanted to live my life for me, not for others. I chose to look for happiness. The days before I "opened up" were terrifying and tortuous. But, it was like a switch had been clicked inside me; it was something that had to be done.
I was lucky, all those who are important to me, just said "well, OK!", or "So?", or often "Oh, yes, I already guessed". I can't say it will be the same for others who have to let others know who they really are. It is possible you may lose some friends or family, in doing so, but hopefully not. Acceptance is all you can realistically hope for (it can be a big deal for some people), take anything greater than that as a blessing. Steel yourself for the losses if they come.
I chose to chance on happiness, and faced whatever that brought to me.
Nick
Oh yeah! To the newbies, Welcome! Some of us here have been around this particular block (the forum) several (thousand) times. So there are many varied and often deep pools of experience for you to tap into here.
Your beautiful post really touched me, Nick. My son also spent several torturous days (weeks actually) leading up to his coming out to me and his father before he left for college. As it turns out, his fears were unfounded, but I understand how hard that was for him. The whole family embraced him because he is still who he is and has always been and nothing could ever change the love we have for him. As johnjohn and you said above, sometimes the idea is much worse than the reality.
-
[Your beautiful post really touched me, Nick. My son also spent several torturous days (weeks actually) leading up to his coming out to me and his father before he left for college. As it turns out, his fears were unfounded, but I understand how hard that was for him. The whole family embraced him because he is still who he is and has always been and nothing could ever change the love we have for him. As johnjohn and you said above, sometimes the idea is much worse than the reality.
How right you are, MG. Most of the anticipated coming out trouble is in our own head. But how come? It is my opinion that self-esteem is extraordinary low in gay men/boys at the time they come out'. What I experienced, and what you hear all around here, is that you know from a very young age that something is different with you, and you have a hard time adapting to what is expected. I remember an interview with Richard Chamberlain, who said: 'I have been an actor all my life', referring to the need to act 'straight' from very early on. Because you know that you are not what they expect you to be, you tend to internalize negative opinions about that what you are not allowed to be: gay. Resulting in a very negative self-image at the time when you want to or have to come out. And selective perception does the rest of the work: you think that everyone thinks so negatively about being gay. Ergo: you expect great trouble when you tell that you are gay.
-
[Your beautiful post really touched me, Nick. My son also spent several torturous days (weeks actually) leading up to his coming out to me and his father before he left for college. As it turns out, his fears were unfounded, but I understand how hard that was for him. The whole family embraced him because he is still who he is and has always been and nothing could ever change the love we have for him. As johnjohn and you said above, sometimes the idea is much worse than the reality.
How right you are, MG. Most of the anticipated coming out trouble is in our own head. But how come? It is my opinion that self-esteem is extraordinary low in gay men/boys at the time they come out'. What I experienced, and what you hear all around here, is that you know from a very young age that something is different with you, and you have a hard time adapting to what is expected. I remember an interview with Richard Chamberlain, who said: 'I have been an actor all my life', referring to the need to act 'straight' from very early on. Because you know that you are not what they expect you to be, you tend to internalize negative opinions about that what you are not allowed to be: gay. Resulting in a very negative self-image at the time when you want to or have to come out. And selective perception does the rest of the work: you think that everyone thinks so negatively about being gay. Ergo: you expect great trouble when you tell that you are gay.
Thank you for that insight Art. This helps to explain some things about our son that perhaps I did not fully understand before.
-
This helps to explain some things about our son that perhaps I did not fully understand before.
You sound like a very understanding mum, MG. Your son needs your support, especially in the self-esteem area. It took me at least 5-6 year and maybe more to feel really confortable with myself and my new identity and capable of facing the world without reservations (is that English?). A consequence is that it is extremely difficult to form good (love) relations with others, who are mostly in the same position. Liasons between two people with negative self-images don't work well, believe that.
-
This helps to explain some things about our son that perhaps I did not fully understand before.
You sound like a very understanding mum, MG. Your son needs your support, especially in the self-esteem area. It took me at least 5-6 year and maybe more to feel really confortable with myself and my new identity and capable of facing the world without reservations (is that English?). A consequence is that it is extremely difficult to form good (love) relations with others, who are mostly in the same position. Liasons between two people with negative self-images don't work well, believe that.
I believe that. I did not understand in his teen years how this wonderful, bright, incredibly talented human being could be so down on himself sometimes. I understand that better now.
As for being understanding, I was brought up that people are people, we come in all different shapes, colors, sizes, orientations, etc. and that it's what's inside that counts. We are all human beings..... The gender of whom you fall in love with does not matter so much as long as you have the capacity to love and be loved in return.
-
This helps to explain some things about our son that perhaps I did not fully understand before.
You sound like a very understanding mum, MG. Your son needs your support, especially in the self-esteem area. It took me at least 5-6 year and maybe more to feel really confortable with myself and my new identity and capable of facing the world without reservations (is that English?). A consequence is that it is extremely difficult to form good (love) relations with others, who are mostly in the same position. Liasons between two people with negative self-images don't work well, believe that.
I believe that. I did not understand in his teen years how this wonderful, bright, incredibly talented human being could be so down on himself sometimes. I understand that better now.
As for being understanding, I was brought up that people are people, we come in all different shapes, colors, sizes, orientations, etc. and that it's what's inside that counts. We are all human beings..... The gender of whom you fall in love with does not matter so much as long as you have the capacity to love and be loved in return.
You are one wonderful mother Sue, he's a lucky boy.
-
This helps to explain some things about our son that perhaps I did not fully understand before.
You sound like a very understanding mum, MG. Your son needs your support, especially in the self-esteem area. It took me at least 5-6 year and maybe more to feel really confortable with myself and my new identity and capable of facing the world without reservations (is that English?). A consequence is that it is extremely difficult to form good (love) relations with others, who are mostly in the same position. Liasons between two people with negative self-images don't work well, believe that.
I believe that. I did not understand in his teen years how this wonderful, bright, incredibly talented human being could be so down on himself sometimes. I understand that better now.
As for being understanding, I was brought up that people are people, we come in all different shapes, colors, sizes, orientations, etc. and that it's what's inside that counts. We are all human beings..... The gender of whom you fall in love with does not matter so much as long as you have the capacity to love and be loved in return.
You are one wonderful mother Sue, he's a lucky boy.
thank you. When he finally came out to us I wanted to take all the angst away and make everything all right. I realized I could not do that. All I could do was be understanding/reassuring, and enfold him in all the love that I/we could give him.
-
This helps to explain some things about our son that perhaps I did not fully understand before.
You sound like a very understanding mum, MG. Your son needs your support, especially in the self-esteem area. It took me at least 5-6 year and maybe more to feel really confortable with myself and my new identity and capable of facing the world without reservations (is that English?). A consequence is that it is extremely difficult to form good (love) relations with others, who are mostly in the same position. Liasons between two people with negative self-images don't work well, believe that.
I believe that. I did not understand in his teen years how this wonderful, bright, incredibly talented human being could be so down on himself sometimes. I understand that better now.
As for being understanding, I was brought up that people are people, we come in all different shapes, colors, sizes, orientations, etc. and that it's what's inside that counts. We are all human beings..... The gender of whom you fall in love with does not matter so much as long as you have the capacity to love and be loved in return.
You are one wonderful mother Sue, he's a lucky boy.
thank you. When he finally came out to us I wanted to take all the angst away and make everything all right. I realized I could not do that. All I could do was be understanding/reassuring, and enfold him in all the love that I/we could give him.
Knowing that you have the support and love of the people that you most love in your life is beyond measure. Some of us have been fortunate to have that, I count myself among those. Many of my friends have not been so lucky, your son has the stability and love that every child should have. He may not tell you in plain words but I think if asked, he'd tell you that he loves you even more now than he did before he told you he was gay. Sometimes what seems an insurmountable obstacles such as coming out can actually be the thing that strenghthens us and brings us closer together. Celebrate the fact that you can be honest with each other - it's a great feeling ;).
-
we come in all different shapes, colors, sizes, orientations, etc. and that it's what's inside that counts. We are all human beings..... The gender of whom you fall in love with does not matter so much as long as you have the capacity to love and be loved in return.
Sue,
Heard an older county singer in concert last night say basically this same thing, ending it with,
"....as long as you have that someone tell you 'I love you' before you go to sleep at night".
-
we come in all different shapes, colors, sizes, orientations, etc. and that it's what's inside that counts. We are all human beings..... The gender of whom you fall in love with does not matter so much as long as you have the capacity to love and be loved in return.
Sue,
Heard an older county singer in concert last night say basically this same thing, ending it with,
"....as long as you have that someone tell you 'I love you' before you go to sleep at night".
I like that, Linda. Thank you.
-
Sue you wonderful wonderful lady.... :-*
-
Sue you wonderful wonderful lady.... :-*
(((Wayne))) :-*
-
Sue you wonderful wonderful lady.... :-*
(((Wayne))) :-*
Ahhhhh - And have we seen photos of this lucky lucky boy...? Are you allowed to post them? :-*
-
Sue you wonderful wonderful lady.... :-*
(((Wayne))) :-*
Ahhhhh - And have we seen photos of this lucky lucky boy...? Are you allowed to post them? :-*
I haven't asked his permission.......
-
Being somewhat of a pessimist when it comes to human nature I fear that unless the subject is dealt with generation by generation then we will always be persecuted and prejudiced against. Of course, in some respects, things are better now but I believe it would be foolish to think that any good done now will live beyond the life of those who have come to greater understanding and acceptance. I wonder if our beloved movie hasn't done most of it's work on those already of an open and caring mind. It doesn't seem to have worked on the powers that be in Hollywood does it? Or has it???......
Andy, I'm somewhat a pessimist too, but I see things changing. I don't know if it's for greater understanding, or simply because, like Pasolini wrote (so long ago) what matters the most to our society is that we're all consumers so, why ignore the gay part of humanity that has money to spend?
I'm thinking for instance about the Dolce&Gabbana advertising campaign for Motorola (explicitly gay)
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi78.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fj108%2Fdahlia_photos%2Frazr.png&hash=04d2ffb5a67359f1c4e12d1e31539a5f42d11398)
And a few years ago, not only BBM, but also 'La Quinceanera' or 'Little Miss Sunshine' couldnt be. I mean movies where 'normal' gay characters are shown. And the same happens in books.
Some 'friends' of mine even complain that there's too much 'gay stuff' around, on TV and so on, that gay has become trendy.....(I must use all my patience with them......)
Of course in the daily life of common people little has changed here....Though it's more common, in Milano, to see gay couples hand in hand. Too little? Better than nothing?
Am I OT? :)
-
Hi! All:
Need some help. You guys/gals are familiar with others on the Forum and may have more time than I at present. Bite off what you can chew and I'll do the rest. All I need is for you to shoot me the info, I'll put together an email and attach my article and make a plea for them to run it in their papers.
I have the word from Dave and Lydia about how I should go about doing this. I need some help finding the Op-Ed Editors of the various papers we might approach with my article. http://www.eastvalleytribune.com/story/101942?cp=18#comments BTW, I'm doing a video interview for the Tribune Website this afternoon at 4 p.m. and will post a link here to that when it happens. Be thinking of me. Hope I do it justice.
Anyway, here's the advice from Dave. If you can help, or can pass it on to someone who can help, please do. I want the article to be seen by as many Mormons and others as possible around our land and the world. It has generated lots of interest in the past 24 hours and I want to keep it up. The GOAL? To help young gay Mormon boys especially find solutions to their challenges outside of suicide. Another one hung himself Friday in a hotel room in Las Vegas, added to one who hanged himself the week before in Draper, Utah. Every five hours a GLBT youth commits suicide. That's OUTRAGEOUS!
Thanx! for your help.
Bobby
Bobby, I just talked to Dave about the best way to get word out about your story. This is his advice as a person who has written many newspaper and magazine articles himself.
• First of all, as the author, the pitch SHOULD come directly from you. They'll have much more interest than if the Forum or various friends send it on your behalf.
• Second, you should send the pitch to the op-ed editor or the feature editor specifically. Not the news editors that appear on our media list from the Variety ad. That list wom't help.
• Third, you (and your friends) do the research and find the newspapers, correct editors and email addresses. (Dave didn't say this, but if I were you, I'd ask various friends to help find this info for you in their local papers. That saves you from having to do so many.)
• Fourth, send an email to that person (one editor at a time - not a mass email) with the subject line "op-ed pitch: controversy on AZ Mormon coming out" or something else that short. Then write one very brief paragraph describing your article and note that there have been x pages of responses to it and give them the link.
• Fifth, include your contact info, of course.
Dave says that's the best way to do it and it sounds to me like it's the most professional and effective way to go. I hope this helps and I hope the video went well.
- Lydia
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Where is everyone?
-
busy commenting on your article in the east valley tribune, e-mailing the editors, and such. :D :D
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Where is everyone?
Bobby: lovely article which you wrote.
The newspaper's system threw me out after reading about the first 10 pages, so I haven't yet been back to finish reading the comments. Want to leave my own as well, but not until I have read them all. Will of course look forward to Desertrat's input there too.
Will not say anything more here, as I wish to state it all there.
AND the photo which went with the article looked GREAT!
Congratulations all around.
Best wishes: JohnnyX.
-
busy commenting on your article in the east valley tribune, e-mailing the editors, and such. :D :D
yep
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BBM affected me strangely : even if BBM is just emotion to me, I didn't cry.
I just want to see it over and over again.
The movie is nothing but a masterpiece... the story is wonderfull : I just love these guys, the way they are, sometimes same, sometimes opposites.
I've discovered Brokeback a few days ago and I am still in an emotional storm, but I could hardly put words on my feelings. Very strange.
I wanted to talk about the movie... but 2 years after, there aren't many people left to talk about a movie no longer on charts. But I need to speak, to explain, to analyse, to tell how I feel. And I am still wondering how I could miss that movie...
So I wrote down my feelings : in a way, it was a kind of relief to me cause it has been the only time in days I didn't feel my heart beating faster thinking about the movie.
You don't have to read the following lines, it's not great litterature, there are just my words on their story, they are my relief. If you read them, please be kind, English isn't my mothertongue.
-------------------------------------
Come closer, break your chains, don't be afraid.
I made the first move, I'm with you,
I swear.
Listen to your desire, kiss me.
I am ready, we are together,
I swear.
I know your soul is in pain,
Take my hand and I'll stand it,
I swear.
Be tender, caress me, come.
I'll keep our secret, hidden in our memories,
I swear.
Hold me in your arms, let yourself go.
I believe in us, your fears will vanish in the air,
I swear.
Unveil, open your heart, be yourself.
I know who we are,
I swear.
Call me, want me, let's love.
I'll stand by you,
I swear.
Give me your soul,
Take my body,
Please, swear to me.
Charline
-
BBM affected me strangely : even if BBM is just emotion to me, I didn't cry.
I just want to see it over and over again.
The movie is nothing but a masterpiece... the story is wonderfull : I just love these guys, the way they are, sometimes same, sometimes opposites.
I've discovered Brokeback a few days ago and I am still in an emotional storm, but I could hardly put words on my feelings. Very strange.
I wanted to talk about the movie... but 2 years after, there aren't many people left to talk about a movie no longer on charts. But I need to speak, to explain, to analyse, to tell how I feel. And I am still wondering how I could miss that movie...
So I wrote down my feelings : in a way, it was a kind of relief to me cause it has been the only time in days I didn't feel my heart beating faster thinking about the movie.
You don't have to read the following lines, it's not great litterature, there are just my words on their story, they are my relief. If you read them, please be kind, English isn't my mothertongue.
-------------------------------------
Come closer, break your chains, don't be afraid.
I made the first move, I'm with you,
I swear.
Listen to your desire, kiss me.
I am ready, we are together,
I swear.
I know your soul is in pain,
Take my hand and I'll stand it,
I swear.
Be tender, caress me, come.
I'll keep our secret, hidden in our memories,
I swear.
Hold me in your arms, let yourself go.
I believe in us, your fears will vanish in the air,
I swear.
Unveil, open your heart, be yourself.
I know who we are,
I swear.
Call me, want me, let's love.
I'll stand by you,
I swear.
Give me your soul,
Take my body,
Please, swear to me.
Charline
God, that is beautiful, Charline - a very warm welcome to the forum!
Marc
-
Thank you so much Charline for writing those wonderful words, coming here and sharing them.
Until I meet you again
a very warm hug!
Mia
-
Welcome Charline!!! Thank you for sharing your thougths and words, and posting them here!
-
Beautifully said Charline.. Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us!
-
BBM affected me strangely : even if BBM is just emotion to me, I didn't cry.
I just want to see it over and over again.
The movie is nothing but a masterpiece... the story is wonderfull : I just love these guys, the way they are, sometimes same, sometimes opposites.
I've discovered Brokeback a few days ago and I am still in an emotional storm, but I could hardly put words on my feelings. Very strange.
I wanted to talk about the movie... but 2 years after, there aren't many people left to talk about a movie no longer on charts. But I need to speak, to explain, to analyse, to tell how I feel. And I am still wondering how I could miss that movie...
So I wrote down my feelings : in a way, it was a kind of relief to me cause it has been the only time in days I didn't feel my heart beating faster thinking about the movie.
You don't have to read the following lines, it's not great litterature, there are just my words on their story, they are my relief. If you read them, please be kind, English isn't my mothertongue.
-------------------------------------
Come closer, break your chains, don't be afraid.
I made the first move, I'm with you,
I swear.
Listen to your desire, kiss me.
I am ready, we are together,
I swear.
I know your soul is in pain,
Take my hand and I'll stand it,
I swear.
Be tender, caress me, come.
I'll keep our secret, hidden in our memories,
I swear.
Hold me in your arms, let yourself go.
I believe in us, your fears will vanish in the air,
I swear.
Unveil, open your heart, be yourself.
I know who we are,
I swear.
Call me, want me, let's love.
I'll stand by you,
I swear.
Give me your soul,
Take my body,
Please, swear to me.
Charline
Hello Charline; and WELCOME to our little therapeutic community.
I do so hope that you will find in here, some of what you are seeking.
If you look around this Forum's offerings, you will see that there are many different "threads" for the various topics of the movie which you want to discuss. Just make sure that you let each of them know on your first posting there that you are NEW to the forum; otherwise many might just make the assumption that you are an old hand; and then their responses will be based on that false assumption.
Well Charline, your native language might not be English, but there is nothing in your wonderful poem to give that indication.
Charline, your poem is BEAUTIFUL. I just hope that the man who I love will come here and read it. Or, perhaps Chuck might take it over to Bettermost and post it on his blog there, where he will be sure to see it. What a beautiful piece of art you have created there Charlene! Thank you so much for enriching MY life with your art.
I usually crop someone else's posting when I reply to it; but in this case, I wanted all of your post to be with my reply. WELCOME! WELCOME! WELCOME! May you find comfort in this place.
Best wishes: JohnnyX.
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charline...
let me add my welcome. as you read through these pages, if you choose to, you will be able to chart our journey through those emotional reactions and find some similar, and many different experiences. feel free to inhabit them all. you can have all the BBM conversation here you could ever want, including what we have made of the journey, and at any time of the day or night it is convenient to you.
jack
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Charline, welcome. We have been lucky enough to find each other here, over the last 2 years, and know how tough it is when the film first punches you in the heart!
Please, let us know if we can help in any way.
Your poem is lovely, and such a perfect reflection of our Ennis and Jack. Thank you for sharing it with us.
-Jackie
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Charline you're in the right place!
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Charline!
I so want you to post your first posts. I think it will take four, before I can send a pm to you, and you can answer.
I want to do that!
I am also new here, six weeks only since this thing happened to me.
Hugs once again
Mia
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I got the advice to post this here - so here it goes.
I do want to talk about the (how shall I put this?) things I am now experiencing, processing in my mind as this story is new to me and affects me so much. And I need to say that the short story don't hold any answers for me right now. I stopped reading after a few pages. Maybe this is still so new to me I can't take it in. Maybe the impact of the film is too strong.
The strangest dream made me wake up in the middle of the night. I couldn't go back to sleep. Midwinter night is close, only a month ahead. Hours after hours of thick, silent darkness. It's a kind of darkness were all life stands still, were there seem to be no ability to move. I was awake, the dream was still with me, the past meeting present from the dream was still going on. It was all clear to me and the darkness made it all surreal, as I was awake and in a strange way still dreaming.
It was clear to me that - in the light of the story as told by Lee, Ledger, Gyllenhaal and the rest of the filmmakers based on the short story of Proulx – I have to go on a journey through all the true meetings, connections I've made in my life and of the losses. I also have to go on a journey through every image of this film in the light of... In the light of me or of my inner self... In the light of my dreams or subconscious processes...
The words are hard for me to find.
In this dream I met the boy I had my first longtime relationship with as a teenager - a relationship completely on his terms as he was a few years older than me. I had to accept a ‘free’ relationship, he wanted to date other girls. (I haven't met him for decades and I never think about him anymore). In the dream we were far out in the archipelago on an island. We were in a big white house on a cliff close to the sea. I couldn't recognize him at first as we were both so much older. So I had to ask for his name. Our families were there too. He had a wife and a small child. I introduced him to my husband but he couldn't for some reason let his wife say hello to me. Secretly he gave me some drug as a gift(!!!). Me and my family left and we said good bye.
My first conscious thought was Jack and Ennis. Then I realized the dream was as real as if I had actually met my old boyfriend again. Apart from being my first relationship I can not say he means that much to me. Maybe that is why I could dream this, if that makes sense. This was only the beginning, scratching the surface of what I have to face now that I am processing Brokeback Mountain in my mind. I think it will be a lot about goodbyes for me now.
So I think of the goodbyes between Jack and Ennis. All with parallells in my life. Leaving Brokeback Mountain is one. I see Jack pretending not to care it affects him having to leave the mountain and Ennis who can't deal with it. As I understand from reading posts on different threads the short story is far from what I see in the film. The last scene together with the DE is a goodbye scene, of course. The rest of the movie is too much for me to handle right now...
I so want to talk about this on the forum, but I am not sure where. I don't know in what thread that would fit in... So I try it here...
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Mia, your post fits in perfectly here, and I appreciate the fact that you took the time to post it!
Thank you, Mia!
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Miaisland - It can be tough to say goodbye to old dreams, even if they never could come true, or even if they were not good for us in the long run! Especially in the far North I suppose, in winter. Get yourself a sun lamp and don't get depressed, says Dr Dal. BbM and Brokeback Fever will make you blue enough, without adding that @#$% darkness to the mix!
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"So I think of the goodbyes between Jack and Ennis. All with parallells in my life. Leaving Brokeback Mountain is one. I see Jack pretending not to care it affects him having to leave the mountain and Ennis who can't deal with it. As I understand from reading posts on different threads the short story is far from what I see in the film. The last scene together with the DE is a goodbye scene, of course. The rest of the movie is too much for me to handle right now..."
MIASLAND >:D....not really....but right on the money LOL!., Me, i think it is both simpler and more complex so why not join the debate: the point of view of someone like you, someone who has just been affected, is really valuable!
you are SO welcome here! :)
I hope to see many posts from you....
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Mia, I'm sorry you went to bed before I got over here to read your post. I hope you are sleeping at this time and are not awake feeling depressed, or being wakened by bad dreams. I think a lot of us have things in our lives that we've kept beneath the surface, especially involving losses and old memories, and Brokeback has a way of letting the emotions associated with those things burst forth.
The result may be depression, for awhile. You may feel like crying. But that isn't necessarily bad, especially if you have someone to talk to about it. It may take awhile to process the meaning of everything that's in your mind right now. Meanwhile, Dal has some good advice about trying to do things to keep from feeling depressed. With your short amount of sunlight, staying in a brightly-lit indoor area may help some. If you feel sad in bed, it might help to get up rather than staying awake watching the clock and worrying. And it would sure help if you could talk to some friends -- not about Brokeback, if they don't "get it," but just about your family and daily life. That might life your spirits.
The dream you had is interesting. I'm not qualified to analyze it, but it seems curious that your old boyfriend would not introduce you to his wife in the dream. This might mean that you think he would still have some feelings for you that might conflict with his marriage. I doubt that's true, after all these years, but somehow Brokeback has got you thinking of all the people you've parted company with, and he's one of them. Brokeback is definitely, among other things, about being separated from people we've loved, and about relationships that didn't work out.
I hope you feel better when your "real" family is home and you are not lonely. When they are around, that may take your mind off of some of this. If not, come back here and try to talk to people who have seen the movie.
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Yes, a lot of my case of Brokeback Fever was about regret. For things I hadn't even known I regretted, or ought to regret. Brrrr. It was awful.
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Miaisland, Dal...
ALL human beings live with regret. It is part of being human. What we DO about it is what elevates us. Processing the pain of regret, analyzing the whys and what ifs...I think that is the key to understanding. For many, Brokebvack has become the vehicle for that analysis, the key in the lock, so to speak.
Do not pity yourselves for your pain...be grateful for it, for it means you are alive. And you are with friends as you begin whatever healing you need to do, or whatever regrets you need to accept.
PM me, if you want...I have very broad shoulders. :-* :-* :-*
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mia, many people here face so many regrets, so many goodbyes that we didn't want and we suffered from. yet, sometimes a goodbye does not have to be accompyanied with regrets but we don't let ourselves leave entirely. not always has the impact of the movie to stir our lives in a new direction. sometimes, it might simply make us realize that we made the right decisions and it might may us realize how lucky and happy we are.
take your time to process all the feelings and memories that are coming now. for me, this is another good thing that comes from the movie: when we take the time to do an "inventory", think about our life , our choices, our hopes and our dreams. in the hectic life we lead nowadays, we rarely have the time for introspection. i guess the long, cold winter nights are just the right time to do that. ;)
and most importantly - there are many people here you can talk to...we're happy to listen. :)
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I have more regrets then you can shake a stick at, yet one needs to carry on, to get up and continue with life. The alternative is to live in a trackless thicket of sadness
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not always has the impact of the movie to stir our lives in a new direction. sometimes, it might simply make us realize that we made the right decisions and it might may us realize how lucky and happy we are.
This is very true. When I first walked in to see Brokeback, I felt pretty happy with my life. But the movie was terribly sad, and I cried over it like most people here. And kept crying over it, it just would not leave my mind. I put myself in the place of the characters and felt so bad for them, I loved them, and understood their love for each other. And then I was left with Ennis and the shirts. Unquestionably, for me, the big emotion that I felt then was regret, and I thought (and still think) that that was one of the main messages of the movie. Tell the people you love that you love them, while you have a chance, or you will regret it later.
But when someone asked me to try to figure out how that applied to my life, I really couldn't answer. What did I regret? Sure, I could have done a lot of things differently. I could have avoided some relationships and situations that were painful or a waste of time. Maybe I could have made other choices differently. And maybe my current life was not perfect. But in the end, after a lot of thinking, I realized that most of the decisions I had made had been the right decision, because of the way one thing leads to another. If I hadn't done something that turned out unpleasant, I wouldn't have met a wonderful friend. Or if I hadn't taken the "wrong" job, I wouldn't later have been offered the "right" one. That sort of thing.
My life isn't perfect, but I do feel pretty happy and lucky, to use Martina's (desertrat's) words.
Mia, you are just beginning this process of analysis. You are looking back at your past, and thinking about choices you made. Perhaps you too will come to the end of this analysis and understand that those choices were the right ones, and that some of the people you no longer see are people who wouldn't have been right for you, anyway.
Hope you feel better as you go through all of this. :-* :-* :-*
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The words are hard for me to find.
Words don't come easy so many times, Mia
Your post is beautiful...
I think more answers will come to you on these long wintery nights.
It takes time, as when you're waiting for a flower to bloom....
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Hello all,
I first watched BBM on DVD a couple of months ago and have spent so much time reading other posts on this great forum that I have never got around to posting a bit about my reaction to the film. :)
WELL... like many others here it hit me like a thunderbolt in the gut. Being a recently married, straight female in my early 30s, I was surprised at how I totally fell apart after watching the film. I became obsessed. Straight after the first viewing I went on the web, found this forum and was SO pleased to see that others felt the same and I wasn't totally crazy for crying like a baby. I watched BBM every night for a week (fortunately my husband was away!), then I bought the short story and the screenplay.
I'm still not 100% sure what it is about the story that gets to me so much, maybe it's the missed opportunities in life, the longing to re-live the carefree youth "where they owned the world and nothing seemed wrong" or simply the feeling of time passing by and being scared that life will be over before I've done what I want to do.
I also felt so terribly sorry for Jack and Ennis, and wished that I could have been there to be their friend and tell them that what they felt was ok, to hell with what the rest of the world thought. A connection like that doesn't happen every day and should be treasured.
The film made me retreat inside myself for quite a while, trying to analyse my life and my feelings - something I do a lot as I think far too much and don't say a lot - kinda like our Ennis I guess!
Good things? Well, it made me realise that I have a fantastic, supportive family and great husband (even though he won't watch BBM as he doesn't do romantic/emotional films unless they have guns, explosions or car chases....!!)
I have been inspired to 'seize the day' as Robin Williams would say, and have started to learn guitar - something I have always wanted to do.
The fabulous BBM screenplay has also sparked an interest in writing films, so I have also been reading up on how to get into this business and have started to write a screenplay (lots of ideas buzzing in my head!)
Finally, I have become a complete slash addict!! >:D Something I sure never saw coming. I blame Jake and Heath ENTIRELY for that one!! :D
Anyway, thanks for listening if you got this far, and I'll no doubt continue to lurk here for quite a while yet. This is a fabulous place and I continue to be amazed at how lovely people here are and how the film draws people together.
G x
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Welcome, geminigirl, and thanks for that post. You talk about both sides of the issue: feelings of sadness, mixed with thankfulness for what you have. And you're like many of us in saying that the film has spurred you to try new things (the guitar, maybe film-writing) because the time is now, if ever.
People certainly do get drawn together here, and I hope this place leads you to make many new friends.
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Gemini Girl, thanks for taking the time to put your experience into words, and sharing it here with us.
Everyone has a different story here, but expresses the same thought. They're glad they found a place with people who have experienced the same thing, and realized they're not alone.
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This is a fabulous place and I continue to be amazed at how lovely people here are and how the film draws people together.
G x
Indeed!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. Wonderful to hear how the film inspired you!
Hugs!
Mia
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ALL human beings live with regret. It is part of being human. What we DO about it is what elevates us. Processing the pain of regret, analyzing the whys and what ifs...I think that is the key to understanding. For many, Brokebvack has become the vehicle for that analysis, the key in the lock, so to speak.
Thank you Chuck, Dal, Brokeback_1, Debbie, Jackie, Martina and Dahlia so much for your wonderful replies to my post. I keep them in my heart!
For me there is a theme of not showing emotions within the dream I told you about and my thoughts about the movie right now. For instance the leaving Brokeback scene.
Jacks way of packing tent and camp stuff, telling Ennis they have to leave, as if he was talking about the weather, without being upset or showing any sadness about it holds a key to me as it upsets me. Until this point we all know what Jack says about Aguirre. Now he doesn't, he even starts by telling Aguirre had good news about the uncle. And when Ennis gets upset there are still no reactions from Jack.
Ah, this was a good thing to put down in words. I suddenly realized I am too old and wise ;D to stay upset, it's easy to forgive.
I wouldn't dare say anything about Ennis going away or the punch. But when I was in his age I know what I would do. The same as Ennis did in the movie but in a girlie way. I wouldn't REALLY want to sit by myself the way most men want to be left alone while figuring things out. And I would probably have scratched more than punched the moment I got noticed.
My dream reminded me of a time in my life when I had to learn not to show important feelings, or worse be embarrassed for having them. The dream was good as I had nothing to be embarrassed about or hide. And it had a happy ending.
I appreciate the understanding of the difficulties in struggling with darkness this time of the year. It will get easier when we start our annual rituals of fire... Hopefully we can persuade the sun to return after midwinter night as we and our ancestors has done before...
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Hopefully we can persuade the sun to return after midwinter night as we and our ancestors has done before...
If that persuasion requires a human sacrifice, may I suggest your old boy friend.
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Hopefully we can persuade the sun to return after midwinter night as we and our ancestors has done before...
If that persuasion requires a human sacrifice, may I suggest your old boy friend.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Thank you for your warm welcome and your kindness.
As I said in my first post I felt really confused by BBM and writting their story in my own words really help me : after posting and reading your answers, I felt relieved and finally manage to analyse what was going on with me and that movie, most of my emotion have been laid on paper (well screen...) and my brain was able to work a little bit better.
So here it is : as I said, I really love that movie but couldn't tell why I was so emotional about it. After seeing J&E story, I was myself stuck in Brokeback (which is to me the emotional place in the movie as it is where J&E can be quietly together and love each other), stuck in my emotional storm and afraid to find out that I have been fooling myself for years, that my life was nothing but a lie : I'm straight and married.
Writing made me feel better... and reading myself over a few days after made me understand why : if these lines were not on a BBM forum, it would be quite hard to say wether it is a homo or hetero story (which is especially true in this English version... the French one - my mothertongue - because of gender in some words has to reveal at the end that it is about a guy talking to a guy). To sum up : I was upset by the movie and I loved it because beyond a love between two guys, BBM is a true universal love story. When I see Jack and Ennis together, I don't see two guys, I see two persons in love, I see any couple, I see any relationship.
I don't see two rude cowboys, I see Ennis looking like a man but still being a kid, confused by his emotions, who can only talk with his body. I see Jack who is finally the only one who reads through Ennis and trying to comfort him.
And now I know why I love the scenes where J&E are together : beyond kiss and sex, there is in each of these scenes true couple relationship. To me, in the tent Jack is ready, not Ennis, Ennis is psychologically in pain, Jack knows it and take the physical pain and as they grab each other hand they go through their pains together... isn't it how any couple are (or should be), supportive. The scene when Ennis is coming to Jack, looking sorry, shy, afraid is all about one having doubts and fears and the other one standing right next to give comfort and love... that is any couple story. I can go like that through the whole movie.
I was confused about all this because I was expecting a gay cowboy movie and got, without knowing it first, a totally different story. This movie has so many layers, a thousand stories and metaphores in it : love story, a wrong time-wrong place story, a seize the day story, and so on. The scenario is wonderful, the actors plays great, the pictures are just amazing, this movie is telling the most beautifull story without any flaws : everything is perfect and balanced. It is like no matter what is said (in word, picture or acting), there is a kind of opposite (like ying and yang) or metaphore saying it in another way : like intimacy in great outdoors, tough-guy-no-talks and emotion, or the way their shirts are on each other's. First it is Jack's on Ennis' (like J is protecting E, hugging him, cherishing their memories) but at the end Jack's is under Ennis' : Ennis will cherish their story the same way Jack did and even if it is sad because it is far much too late, it is a beautifull moment in the movie. It reminds of that perfect night where Ennis huggs Jack who is sleeping like a horse : that very moment Jack will die for years, Ennis being tender and accepting their relationship.
BBM is my favorite movie, now I know why. It says so well what I truly think : don't live in the past, cherish your memories, enjoy reminding them but go forward, tomorrow is always better than yesterday :)
Just like to finish on Mia's message...
Charline!
I so want you to post your first posts. I think it will take four, before I can send a pm to you, and you can answer.
I want to do that!
I am also new here, six weeks only since this thing happened to me.
Hugs once again
Mia
I would love to answer but the message is not clear to me : I am sorry, I am not used to posting on forum (and English is not my mothertongue) and I don't understand the pm/answer part.
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I would love to answer but the message is not clear to me : I am sorry, I am not used to posting on forum (and English is not my mothertongue) and I don't understand the pm/answer part.
Charline, n'hésite pas à poser tes questions sur le fonctionnement du forum sur le fil des francophones (French Speakers thread qui se trouve dans l"International Zone".)
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Just like to finish on Mia's message...
Charline!
I so want you to post your first posts. I think it will take four, before I can send a pm to you, and you can answer.
I want to do that!
I am also new here, six weeks only since this thing happened to me.
Hugs once again
Mia
I would love to answer but the message is not clear to me : I am sorry, I am not used to posting on forum (and English is not my mothertongue) and I don't understand the pm/answer part.
I am sorry, your English seemed so much better than mine....
Your last post, and this one, was so nice. I want to talk to you more. And after four posts at the forum it is possible to send Pm's, personal messages. When I read your post I wanted to send a personal message to you. That is why I wanted you to post your four first posts at the forum. After that we all can send personal messages to you.
I want to talk to you more....
Hugs
Mia
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Thank you for your warm welcome and your kindness.
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I would love to answer but the message is not clear to me : I am sorry, I am not used to posting on forum (and English is not my mother tongue) and I don't understand the pm/answer part.
Hello again Charline.
Thank you again for a most moving and INSIGHTFUL posting. Your summaries are masterful.
Just a quick reply to your note to Miaisland above, about PMs.
PM stands for Personal Message.
There is a facility on this forum to be able to send PRIVATE personal messages to any other member of this forum, and similarly to receive messages from them.
In fact, I THINK that even now you can probably RECEIVE personal messages from others; but you cannot yet SEND any until you have made 4 public postings to the forum.
(This was brought in to counter some spamming problems at one stage).
When you first log in to the forum, up near the top of the page (but below the Dave Cullen mountain photo, on the left-hand side, there is a rectangular box with a small heading saying "User Info".
Then inside that box it says something like: "Hey, Charline, you have xxx messages, x are new."
IF you CLICK with your left-hand mouse button on that underlined message, the system should take you to the "PM" or "Personal Messages" area, where you can read any messages coming in to you, and where you can write and post your own personal messages to other members -- after you have made those 4 first posts.
Sadly, these days that can be a slow process at times, but be patient with it, and it will usually work for you.
I hope that this is a bit clearer for you.
I hope that you and Mia will soon have a wonderful friendship and discussion with each other via PMs, and that you might have the same with many other forum members.
But please also keep posting in here your thoughts and feelings about how Brokeback is affecting you; as they are a delight to read.
Best wishes on your exciting new journey in this "home" of many wonderful people.
JohnnyX.
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Welcome geminigirl, charline, to the discussion. :)
Mia, your post was so moving, I hope to read more of your posts :)
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I'm still not 100% sure what it is about the story that gets to me so much, maybe it's the missed opportunities in life, the longing to re-live the carefree youth "where they owned the world and nothing seemed wrong" or simply the feeling of time passing by and being scared that life will be over before I've done what I want to do.
This is very well said, and it applies to me as well, 100%!
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I would love to answer but the message is not clear to me : I am sorry, I am not used to posting on forum (and English is not my mothertongue) and I don't understand the pm/answer part.
Charline, let me too welcome you and hug you!
Your English is fine, it is not my mothertongue as well, I never posted in a forum before this one, just like you....
Don't worry, keep on posting....
After you have posted for 5 times you will be allowed to send (and receive) Personal Messages from other forum members
For any question feel free to ask, you'll have a world of support here, I can guarantee this!! :)
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ok, i'ma share somethin' too: I hate romantic movie/novel, or any kind of media about love cuz it seems so superficial onscreen. BUT this is the first time that i really enjoy a romantic drama movie . I also NEVER watch a movie twice, only buy DVDs of movies that I haven't seen because it's just boring to me to rewatch it. 6 times watching this movie!!! I was surprise @ myself!! I also don't get people who can cry watching a movie/book/music, cuz i NEVER done that, i think those people are just too weak, too dramatic (sorry any1 I offended). The second time i watch BBM, i cry (cuz now i can understand more the symbolism, the themes), the third, cry, the fourth, cry. Did i mention i cry when thinks about it? yup yup. Also, NO movie mades me thinks about it for WEEKS, i usually forgot about a movie the next day. I always into Academy-Award movie because I want to see how good it is , not block-buster trashy comedy, but none of all the movies I've watched can HAUNT me like this 1. Like it seriously Haunt me! lol. My favorite scene will always be when Jack said to Ennis "You know it could always be like this, always, we can have a calf-and-cow operation, it'll be a sweet life". So simple a dream, yet so unattinable! Doesn't that just sum up every1 feeling when they're in love? "it COULD always be like this, always".
crap, i cry thinking about it again. It likes after watching a scary movie, it HAUNT u for days, but ur glad that you get the chance to see it, but then you wish that you haven't, beacause now ur having these new feelings. u know?
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Hi, davinhci
Yes, I know. You say what many of us feel, it haunts us each time we see it.
Nice to have you here.
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"You know it could always be like this, always, we can have a calf-and-cow operation, it'll be a sweet life". So simple a dream, yet so unattinable! Doesn't that just sum up every1 feeling when they're in love? "it COULD always be like this, always".
crap, i cry thinking about it again. It likes after watching a scary movie, it HAUNT u for days, but ur glad that you get the chance to see it, but then you wish that you haven't, because now ur having these new feelings. u know?
Hello Davinhci, and WELCOME to our huge CLUB of people who have been greatly moved by this film.
Most of the feelings which you describe in your last sentence above, I think describe what almost every one of us has felt also. And like you, for many of us, no other film has ever moved us in this way. That is why it is so wonderful for us to have this forum to come to, and to meet so many other people who KNOW exactly how we have felt ourselves; and that gives us a sense of closeness to each other.
I also love the first quote of yours above. I had never thought about it before in that way, but you are correct, that LOVE does indeed give us that feeling -- that it could ALWAYS be this way. Sadly for almost all of us, other things happen to change our relationships, so that we lose that initial feeling; but if we are lucky, it might be replaced by something almost as nice.
After reading your posting here, I looked at your other postings on the forum, and saw that you mentioned disappointment that Jack and Ennis never verbally said, each to the other: I love you.
Davinhci: at that time, we had not been brought up to say such things to each other -- especially if it was from one male to another male. Usually it was only said between boyfriend and girlfriend in the early days of their love.
BUT NOW we live in different times, when psychologists have taught us that we should verbalise these feelings between people. That is only a RECENT phenomenon, and was not generally done in the 1960s -- especially in the lower and working classes which Jack and Ennis came from.
So, I do not need for them to SAY that they love each other. They each KNOW that the other one loves him. Hell, they had 20 years of brief meetings together, to know that what they felt for each other was MORE than lust.
In that reunion scene in the motel when Ennis said that it took him a year to realise that he should never have let Jack out of his sight -- THAT was his way of saying "I LOVE YOU". In effect he was saying. that about a year later he realised that he loved Jack. If he had said then to Jack, "I love you", I believe that it would not have warmed Jack's heart any more than did the words which he did say then.
I know that this is a hard concept for younger people to grasp who are brought up in today's world when EVERYONE says "I love you" -- in fact I believe that the phrase has been cheapened by such over-use -- but I believe that until that fact can be grasped, then part of the true meaning of the film is being lost.
We only have to LOOK at the looks which they give to each other in the film, to read their body-language towards each other, to look at what they DO FOR each other, to realise that each of these is a sign of LOVE.
Thank you for posting here Davinhci, and I hope that we might get to read more of your thoughts on here about how BBM has Affected you. Good luck on this new journey. JohnnyX.
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Davinhci,
Welcome home. For this is a place where you can come to deal with the issues that the film has led you to , and know you are in a protected and loving environment. We are here for you, if you want. It is wonderful to have you here.
-Jackie
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welcome Charline and Davinhci,
So many of us share your feelings. You can feel right at home here.
Here I thought that I was finally getting over it, but then I listened to Coldplay's warning-sign and thoughts of Jack and Ennis filled my head and tears filled my eyes... yet again.
F****ING &^$(&%^$*(%$!!!!
I just can't seem to get it out of my system :'(
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Hi Ayuni, I agree with you, Coldplay's Warning Sign always reminds me of Ennis and Jack.
....
A warning sign
You came back to haunt me and I realized
That you were an island and I passed you by
And you were an island to discover
......
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It's always a pleasure to meet someone who knows Coldplay's earlier songs. :)
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I think I played it 10 times in my mp3 reader yesterday, and just posted the YouTube link to a friend of mine....
I gotta tell you what a state I'm in.....
I gotta tell you in my loudest tones.....
that I miss you so bad....
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yay! maybe we can open a Coldplay thread? ;D
BBM and coldplay go hand in hand. Both make you cry on the spot ;D
(have you heard the song before? or just now?)
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I listened to the 'Rush of Blood' CD a few weeks ago...
Come on in the music thread, then Ayuni ;)
Coldplay arent very much played there...
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listen to their first album, Parachutes.
Their best work, in my opinion.
now back to topic...
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For me that video is one of my favorite : Kissing you & BBM, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6VcVQ1Xjm0&feature=user
I also enjoy Groovy kind of love one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=00Aa6FPvEC8&feature=user but Kissing you is definitively better :)
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Hi there. I joined this forum just so I could post "my Brokeback story." I feel like I need to get it off my chest to others who might understand.
I am a gay female. I've known it since I was 18, no problem there, but I'd never been in love before. Until now. It happened not in the best way. It probably shouldn't have happened at all. I fell for one of my students...adult, don't worry! She and I became friends really quickly and, though she still was my student, it was obvious we were more than that to each other. As the months went by we got closer and closer, both physically and emotionally. Nothing sexual happened, but you know how it is when there is SO much energy between two people. You just can't stop touching each other. When talking, you stand so close you can feel each other's breath. You write intimate things to each other. You stare across the room with the sweetest smile, hoping the other will look. And when they do, you just keep smiling and cock your head in their direction. You lock hands, if only for a moment. But many times. You say: "I wanted to see you."
Well, that was how it was between us. We loved each other, quite simply, though it was never said.
But I knew nothing would ever come of it. Her culture wouldn't allow it. Probably she didn't even know what her feelings for me meant. And she had a BF. Still, I loved being around her so much. I wanted it to last forever, even if it was a lie.
Then something terrible happened. Her BF's father died. From that point she started pulling farther and farther away. We would barely see each other. Once a week went to once a month. She refused to talk about her feelings, though I only wanted to comfort her. I could see it in her eyes too, that secretly she had so much she wanted to say but never could. It wasn't what people did in her country. I asked her so many times why she was pulling away. She only told me she was busy but that I shouldn't worry. She "really liked me." "I really like you."
I cried so much for her. I never wanted her to be in pain. I only hoped she would open up to me, but she was too much like Ennis. She kept it all inside.
After a while she came around again. She would ask me to do things with her, but back out at the last minute. Then she gave my heart the knife it was waiting for. She told me she missed her family and was gonna move back to her hometown for 6 months. I wouldn't see her again.
The last time I saw her was 3 months ago. I guess subconsciously I knew she was fading away from me. I asked her: "When will I see you again?" She gave me a look and replied: "I don't know." I said: "Someday? In the future?" Her eyes clouded over and she said: "Someday." I got on the train, went home and cried. I couldn't stop crying and I promised myself that I would tell her how I felt. That I loved her. I didn't wanna have any regrets.
So 2 weeks later I told her. She thanked me for being honest with her. She told me she would still be my friend, but didn't have the confidence to talk with me like before. Then she suggested we email while she was away. That was 2 months ago and I've gotten maybe 6 sentences from her, I've been trying so hard to act like everything is okay, but she wont speak to me. She won't even write me. I don't know what I can do to keep her from being afraid. I know that is the only reason she ignores me, because she loves me. I know it. I feel it in every part of me.
Everyday hurts so much. I can't stop my feelings for her. I can't stop loving her though she continues to hurt me. I wish I knew how to quit her, but I don't.
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darlin...
you have NO idea how many of us have walked that mile in those moccasins.
my best take on it. treasure the feeling of merging souls.a;beit it incomplete or unconsumated. it only happens a few times in a lifetime. then let it go. it may return with another, or the dawn may come for your beloved. you have little or no input on either event.
jack
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Thank you, Jack. I'm trying to do that now, but that's what hurts the most: knowing I no longer have any control. In the past she would do anything I asked or suggested. I know it was only cuz she wanted to please me. And if I was ever hurt or upset she would immedately respond. Now there's nothing.
I don't know what happened. I wish we lived in a different world.
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Hello Kiseki.
As Jack says: so many of us KNOW your pain. Sure that does not lessen it at all; but it is a comfort to know that others do truly know it.
From my subjective perspective though, you are fortunate in that you at least DID have that time spent in her physical company. In my situation, our love blossomed on-line, and I have never known his touch -- just continually ached for it, and fantasised about it. Also, you have a sort of invitation to be in e-mail contact with her, which has been denied to me.
Given that you do have even brief and spasmodic e-mail contact with her, I feel that you could at least pour out your heart to her in some e-mails. At least that way YOU will know that YOU have communicated your thoughts and feelings to her, so that she is under no misapprehension about any aspect of them. If possible, try to word them as factual statements of your feelings, and your thoughts, rather than as requests to re-unite. Given the situation as you describe it, I doubt that that will change her actions at all, but at least YOU have done all that you can under the circumstances to share your thoughts and feelings with her.
From what you say, it would seem that she is also under tremendous pressure, at least cultural, if not more than that, to conform to a heterosexual choice. It could also be that she is bi-sexual, rather than homosexual, in which case she might not want a homosexual commitment such as you might envisage. It could also be that she has a strong urge to be a mother, and feels that this can only best be done in a heterosexual relationship. So many IFs.
Thank you for sharing your heartbreak with us in here. It is great that you joined up so that you could reach out to us. I feel sure that many of your sisters in here will also extend their hands to you. Hope so. Best wishes on your sorrowful and hurtful journey; and may the messages from Brokeback eventually bring you some consolation. Regards: JohnnyX.
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Thank you, Johnny :) Everyone here seems so kind and understanding. I appreciate it so much. I've also experienced online love. It was so painful too when she "broke up" with me. Relationships for me are mostly emotional, not physical, but I know how much you must long for your love to be there in person.
I have done all you suggested already. I told her how much she was hurting me, how much I cared for her, and that I was willing to wait to speak to her if she wasn't ready yet. At first she told me she was so sorry for hurting me and that she was also hurting too. But now I think it may all just be too much for her.
Being gay in this society (Asia) is not really an option for her. She loves her family deeply and she wants to be a mother and wife, just as you said. I just want her to be happy, with or without me. In my opinion, and all of my friends' who have met her, she "adored" me. Whether or not that means she is gay or just gay for me I don't know. My feeling is she is repressing a lot. Probably not just her sexuality. Like Ennis she doesn't discuss her feelings. If something hurts her she tries to avoid it. When her BF's dad died, her BF wasn't around and she was feeling his pain. She told me she was just going to work 24-7 so she wouldn't have to think about it. That's just what she did too.
I really pray she can open herself up to life in the future.
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Hello All. Sorry to be hogging the board, but I just received this verse, and felt that it is just so appropriate to how bbm affected us. enjoy it. JohnnyX.
The Clock of Life
The clock of life is wound but once, And no man has the power.
To tell just when the hands will stop At late or early hour.
Now is the only time you own. Live, love, toil with a will.
Place no faith in time. For the clock may soon be still.
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welcome, kiseki!
one of the worst pains ever in this world is unrequited love. whatever the reason that the person we love with all our heart can't or won't return our feelings. "losing our heart" is meant quite literally - once lost, it is with the person we love. and we can't just "call it back" to us.
i'm so sorry that you have to live without her, especially without her friendship now....but you never know what's going to happen in the future. she knows that you love her, and hopefully she knows that this won't change. so, if one day, she is able to return your feelings she knows where to go...
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So 2 weeks later I told her. She thanked me for being honest with her. She told me she would still be my friend, but didn't have the confidence to talk with me like before. Then she suggested we email while she was away. That was 2 months ago and I've gotten maybe 6 sentences from her, I've been trying so hard to act like everything is okay, but she wont speak to me. She won't even write me. I don't know what I can do to keep her from being afraid. I know that is the only reason she ignores me, because she loves me. I know it. I feel it in every part of me.
Everyday hurts so much. I can't stop my feelings for her. I can't stop loving her though she continues to hurt me. I wish I knew how to quit her, but I don't.
Dear Kiseki.......
I am feeling what you feel. Only, in my case, it's not about a lover, it's about a friend. But the grief is just the same.
He won't speak to me.....He won't write to me....In 2 months, he wrote me once, to say......he misses me (!). And that's IT.
Many times I thought to delete his msn account from my list, so to avoid checking to see if he's online everytime I turn the computer on....But I don't have the strength to do it.
I, too, think that for him to face me would mean to look too deeply inside himself...and he's not ready to do it.
What the future will bring to us, I cannot tell.
But I think Jack (as always :-*......) is right; let's treasure love. It always teaches us something.
Dahlia
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Everyone, thank you so much for your replies. Things seems to be looking up today. She wrote me back and actually she apologized for not writing me. Then she acknowledged what I'd written her and answered my questions. Maybe she just needs more time.
Well, I'm gonna try to keep our friendship. I can be patient. I think she really is just fighting herself right now.
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This is wonderful, Kiseki.
Patience and time...and hope.....yes. I'm sure you'll have your reward in the end. Give her trust. Let her feel you're on her side, and that at the same time you're not invading her life, until she's ready.
((((hugs))))
Dahlia
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a word of caution...
by all means take all appropriate actions, and refrain from pressuring; but most of all, don't invest in any particular end result. that can only result in frustration and poor choices. trust what ever you believe in that guides your destiny and stay out of its way.
it is said...
be careful what you pray for, you just might get it.
and those of us who have had that occur can say amen.
jack
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by all means take all appropriate actions, and refrain from pressuring; but most of all, don't invest in any particular end result. that can only result in frustration and poor choices. trust what ever you believe in that guides your destiny and stay out of its way.
This reminds me of my yoga teacher. 'The asana makes itself. Don't pursue it.'
A part of me says 'yes'.
Another part of me wants to fight with teeth and nails to get to the purpose.
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The words are hard for me to find.
Mia, again about your post. Words are hard for me too. It took me days to write this, as you can see.
Actually, it took me more than a year.
Some of the things I'm writing now, I've already said, in the forum on in some PM.
So, sorry if I repeat something, but it seems I need to go in circles, getting closer and closer - maybe - to the core.
And sorry if it's too long.
I saw the movie much earlier than you, right when it was first shown here – Jan 2006 – I was expecting it so much, because of the Golden lion it won, because I love Ang Lee….I wasn’t expecting the impact it had on me.
Shortly after that, I bought the short story; it’s very different from the movie, and very tough. I can see that you might not be ready to ‘take it in’ yet, ‘cause it really stabs a knife into your heart. I read it very very slowly, few pages a day, re-reading each and every one of them many times before going on, also because Proulx’s language is not so easy for us foreigners. I read other stories from her, by the way, and some of them are incredibly hard: so much pain there, almost unbearable. I cried all my tears on that book, needless to say.
At the same time I had found this forum, and was amazed to see how many people felt the way I felt, expressed MY feelings with exact words. But I didn’t really immerse myself in the forum, unlike you - it took me 1 year and a half to get to 300 posts !!!!! I guess I had to keep that distance, I took it all very slowly, I was scared.
To me, the first thing was sex. The movie brought me back to the time I first was in love with my – now – husband, and renewed that ardour. I realized I had put it ‘in the background’ so to speak, while it really is the first and most important thing in my life. At the same time, I found out how relieved and happy I was to be able to talk about sex with strangers, and especially with gay persons. I am straight, but always felt uncomfortable with stereotypes and sexual roles; towards gays I feel a deep empathy and affection - and ....something very close to envy at times. I wouldn’t know exactly how to explain that; it’s as if I feel they ‘walked a line’, they had a special perception of things. And I had the luck (the fate?) to meet Martin in the ‘Ignorant Girls’ thread. Martin600 his forum name. The people who most often talked with him (Imjackshesennis/Heidi, Brokaholic/Alice) have left the forum for different reasons. He was the one with whom I shared, from whom I learnt, the fun, the enthusiasm and the openness. I talked with him from April to August 2006, until one Saturday morning instead of receiving an email from him I got one from his family telling me he had died. He had cancer, never told me. He had given them instructions to send letters to his friends when the event happened.
Like he used to say ‘I wish I had this movie, and this forum, 10 years before’. I would have met him in person…our lives would have been different. The other thing he said was that BBM was the story of his life....and it turned out it really was....right to the end.
The second thing – interconnected with the first one - was the feeling of lost opportunities. It took me much longer to see it was there. I realized how many times I gave up things I loved – turned out people’s invitations, and offers of friendship – from people for whom I really cared; but I wasn’t able to let them in. I built walls around me, built a comfortable, protected and regular life. The ‘why’ is still very painful to look at. Despite this, my life was extraordinarily kind with me, it gave me the man I love – who is right here at my side – a nice family, and two beautiful sons.
The third and final thing is the thought of the end and of death. The sense that this is gonna last for a while....and then like everything else, it’ll have an end. When? How?
What’s amazing, once again, is that this forum is such a living thing. It never became a habit for me. Many times I already thought ‘ok now, what I could have from here, I have got, and there’s no point in going on’ and then something different took place and changed my point of view.
This time it’s you, Mia – without you I don’t think I would have written this – and (strange as it may seem) it’s the music thread - but that's OT here.
And for me too, there have been so many nights in which I couldn't sleep...
What can I say more? That I hope it makes any sense, because I'm in the middle of this and still don't have the calm and detachment to see where it's leading.
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Oh, Dahlia, you made me cry.
I am beyond words... Later, will write more later... But right now I need to thank you for your wonderful words. And for sharing your thoughts, all of this, here. You are a wonderful woman.
With all my heart, thank you.
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Well, here I am...again. The last time I was regularly posting was back in April of 2006. A whole year an a half has gone by and to be quite honest it feels like a lifetime. There is so much that has happened between then and now, I'm not quite sure where to begin.
After the initial onslaught of Brokeback back in early '06, I was changed. Something moved within me. Yet, I fell deeply in love with a boy who I know would never love me back. I put myself through that, partly because I was chasing a fantasy. It wasn't real. It was in my head and it killed me. After being so moved by Brokeback I doomed myself to relive the movie, to feel the pain that Jack and Ennis felt. Like the 19 year old I was then, I didn't learn anything. The girl who he was with at the time, who was my friend first, ended up hating me. The guy and I lost touch after he got heavily involved with the girl. I have no one to blame, but myself.
The guy and I never talked about it. I was too afraid. Only a year later was I able to put my feelings in to something more, but only through e-mail. I never asked him if he felt that way towards me. Even now, I know that somewhere he did. But he was afraid. And it's not my job to give him the self-awareness I have. I wanted to be accepted and validated as a man. Somewhere inside if he loved me back, I would be good enough.
All I know truly is that I just wanted to fall in love. I wanted to feel. I felt I was becoming jaded. I was becoming that New Yorker gay who was used to covering himself up...I thought I was baring it all at that point. Truth was, it was just another version of me that I was trying to create. We spend a lot of our lives living in different masks. A lot of gay men create personas from themselves and then never get to know who they truly are. I lost myself there. I wore a cowboy hat and the flannel and the jeans. I drowned myself in Brokeback.
As winter faded in to summer, I went back and watched Brokeback again. Nothing. I tried to recapture the glory, the light, the part of my soul that was opened up...but I closed it. I did myself in. Old habits die hard. I disconnected.
A year went by. I made a best girl friend. My student theatre company was taking off on campus. I thought I was on top. Yet, looking back to late 2006...I wasn't me. Again, I was trying to be someone else. I was trying to fit a mold. I was hiding who I was and not recognizing it. Further in I went. This best girl friend of mine found a boyfriend. She slowly cut me out. No need for me after someone who could love her and make love to her. It hurt. It was a huge blowout fight, the effects of which I'm still reeling with. I felt unimportant. Useless. Twice in a row I threw myself blindly in to a relationship, too trusting, too vulnerable.
Then 2007 happened.
I stopped smoking cigarettes. I quit smoking pot. I started caring how I looked again. I dropped friends who were pulling me down with their negativity. I was finding myself. I woke up with positive energies and was putting my best foot forward. 2006 and Brokeback were behind me, now. I knew I was on the verge of figuring something out.
Then I found him. I sit before you now, typing this and I can't even put it into words. His name is Joshua John. He's the most amazing, wonderful, giving man that I have ever met. He has treated me like no one else has and has truly become my heart. He is the first member of my family that I know will take me through life. I am 21 but I can say with confidence that this man I will know all my life. He's held me when I needed to cry and listened to me when I needed to talk. He's given me love and support that I have never received in my life, from anyone, including my family. He's healed me, in a way. At first it was difficult to open up and let him in. It's been difficult for him to do the same for me, but we are committed to doing this together. We are growing together and it is the greatest feeling in the world.
I consider myself a lonely soul. I don't get along with my family as they are content with inventing the past and ignoring the pain they inflicted upon me. I dropped a lot of friends out of my life for lack of real connection. I am self-aware to a fault and sometimes people don't like other people exposing feelings that they don't want to deal with.
I know in part this is because I'm dealing with the S word. Yes, shame. Shame haunts most of us as gay men, who grow up feeling that there is something wrong with us that we cannot fix. Well, I vowed to fix it. With Joshua John by my side, I'm searching within myself to find the man that I'm going to be.
It's really tough work. We have to go back and reassess situations within ourselves and take the anger and turn it to sadness. There we can find truth and peace. I'm dealing with a lot of rage issues. Like most gay men, the moment I am invalidated the "velvet rage" sparks within me and I blow up. It's anger that has been pent up for years and years and I'm working hard to relieve it.
I'm going Back to Brokeback. I'm a senior now and I'm graduating in May. To complete requirements we must do a final project known as "senior work." I decided to create my own one-man show and what I'm doing is going in to "Brokeback and Beyond," taking stories from it, threading them together and creating a show. I know that I will be revisiting something I put to rest, but now I will truly uncover Brokeback and get to the bottom of it. This project will be a culmination of my college years and since Brokeback happened firmly in my sophomore year, it's quite relevant.
I'm scared and nervous, but I know that there are good things out there for me. Joshua John is just proof that there are open, caring, loving men in this world and I'm so lucky to know him. Brokeback has affected me and I can't wait to let it happen again two years wiser, on the verge of adulthood and maturity.
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What a wonderful and uplifting post. Thank you so much for making me smile..for sharing your heart and soul for us to see. good things will surely happen for you...you MUST keep that "high" you have now,that positive energy is what keeps those doors open...the past is just that...the past.
2008 is going to be better for you..keep up the good work and the best to you on your final project. People are going to see that shining star!!
Nellie
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LJ!
It's good to read this post! I'm so glad that you have made changes that you felt were necessary, and found someone who is so special to you!
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LJ, I hope I can find what you have someday! Joshua sounds so wonderful. Don't worry about your insecurites and shame. Love conquers all!
For now, I've decided to let my girl go. I can't keep my feelings for her and keep myself intact. I won't quit her but I need to stop hurting so much. Whatever is meant to be will be. I hope she regrets what she has done as much I regret losing her.
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LJ!
So fantastic to see you again and know that your life is so good and you are in such a good spot now.
Good for you, fantastic for you both,
I so appreciate you filling us in on your year and a half. I am truly happy for you and I know you both, with lots of work and communication, understanding and loving, have a great future together.
I am so very happy for you both!
Linda
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dahlia,
i still remember martin with good, warm memories. those who we remember will never really be gone.
i hear you about lost opportunities. so often we return back to past moments, reliving them again and again and again, because we'd like to change the decisions we made, make it better. but there is no use in doing that. we are not able to change the past. however, while dwelling on the past we might miss chances we have HERE and NOW. don't turture yourself over past things - do what you want NOW. your life is never predetermined. in every second of your life, you have so many options to chose from. enjoy the freedom ! ;)
brokebackLJ, congratulations on finding love! life is so much easier to take on if you share it with kindred soul... :)
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LJ,
How wonderful to read of your newfound love, and personal strength. Good for you. It's so lovely to have you back home, where you belong, too.
Hugs,
Jackie
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Hello fellow Brokies!
This thread is a continuation of the original "How Brokeback Affected Me" thread. Please use this thread to post your thoughts about how you were affected by this film. The thoughts you had, the emotions you felt, and the actions you took.
Can you divide your life into chapters titled "Before Brokeback" and "After Brokeback"? Have you made small changes, large changes, no changes?
Tell us about it.
Where to start, folks , where to start. I have not posted in a year or better,mostly due to work and family time constraints. All I can add to anything here is after seing"Brokeback" there was no turning back, never saying I can't do that, never being afraid or at least not letting my fear stop me, never turning a deaf ear or ignoring something that needed my attention. Always lending a hand or an ear or shoulder. Taking time for me, because without me there is nothing I can give to others. I also relearned that I was born, as we all are, as part of a giant extended family. You don't have to like the people you work with but you DO have to help them when they need it.
There is no doubt that the movie changed my life..and still is. Every time I go out with friends and have a drink or two, my silent toast is always to Jack Twist...silent not bacause I don't want to explain or am ashamed of doing it..silent because it is my way of saying thank you and a personal reminder to be true to myself..no lying,no games, no being silent when I have somwthing to say.
Hope this finds everyone in good spirits and happy as you want to be.
TO JACK TWIST
Dale
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I'm scared and nervous, but I know that there are good things out there for me. Joshua John is just proof that there are open, caring, loving men in this world and I'm so lucky to know him. Brokeback has affected me and I can't wait to let it happen again two years wiser, on the verge of adulthood and maturity.
Thank you so much brokebackLJ. You wrote about finding yourself and love in a way that gave hope. The way you deal with things now, daring to write it down, to talk about shame, to turn anger into sadness and the courage to create your own one-man show makes you a very special person, a role model to me and others.
Taking time for me, because without me there is nothing I can give to others. I
This is so true. Thank you mainebartender.
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Where to start, folks , where to start. I have not posted in a year or better,mostly due to work and family time constraints. All I can add to anything here is after seing"Brokeback" there was no turning back, never saying I can't do that, never being afraid or at least not letting my fear stop me, never turning a deaf ear or ignoring something that needed my attention. Always lending a hand or an ear or shoulder. Taking time for me, because without me there is nothing I can give to others. I also relearned that I was born, as we all are, as part of a giant extended family. You don't have to like the people you work with but you DO have to help them when they need it.
There is no doubt that the movie changed my life..and still is. Every time I go out with friends and have a drink or two, my silent toast is always to Jack Twist...silent not bacause I don't want to explain or am ashamed of doing it..silent because it is my way of saying thank you and a personal reminder to be true to myself..no lying,no games, no being silent when I have somwthing to say.
Hope this finds everyone in good spirits and happy as you want to be.
TO JACK TWIST
Dale
Good to see you back, MB!!!
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I saw this in the Christmas thread...I couldn't help but to share it with you guys...the words are beautiful..so meaningful...and during this time of year things can get rough for a few folks out there... but life moves on,it has to..there's a reason why we're all here..there's a reason why we met...there's a reason for the sadness we must endure...but we have each other,and for me,that's good enough reason..
Thanks Adrian..for this clip :-*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmY8W9nMjJs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmY8W9nMjJs)
Nellie
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Thats beautiful Nellie...
I am so grateful for you and others here who are very very special to me, and I could not do without at any time of year....
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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Thank you , Nellie, for sharing that. It is beautiful.
I, too, am thankful for having found all of you here...........
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...and during this time of year things can get rough for a few folks out there,including myself... but life moves on,it has to..there's a reason why we're all here..there's a reason why we met...there's a reason for the sadness we must endure...but we have each other,and for me,that's good enough reason..
:-* (((Nellie)))
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So 2 weeks later I told her. She thanked me for being honest with her. She told me she would still be my friend, but didn't have the confidence to talk with me like before. Then she suggested we email while she was away. That was 2 months ago and I've gotten maybe 6 sentences from her, I've been trying so hard to act like everything is okay, but she wont speak to me. She won't even write me. I don't know what I can do to keep her from being afraid. I know that is the only reason she ignores me, because she loves me. I know it. I feel it in every part of me.
Everyday hurts so much. I can't stop my feelings for her. I can't stop loving her though she continues to hurt me. I wish I knew how to quit her, but I don't.
Dear Kiseki.......
I am feeling what you feel. Only, in my case, it's not about a lover, it's about a friend. But the grief is just the same.
He won't speak to me.....He won't write to me....In 2 months, he wrote me once, to say......he misses me (!). And that's IT.
Many times I thought to delete his msn account from my list, so to avoid checking to see if he's online everytime I turn the computer on....But I don't have the strength to do it.
I, too, think that for him to face me would mean to look too deeply inside himself...and he's not ready to do it.
What the future will bring to us, I cannot tell.
But I think Jack (as always :-*......) is right; let's treasure love. It always teaches us something.
Dahlia
There is a phrase, originating from Richard Bach (US Writer) that is one of those things that I hold dear after I learnt a big lesson in life:
"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were."
on the face of it, it seems brutal and difficult to do, but it is one of the truest (i think I made that word up)
-
LJ!
It's good to read this post! I'm so glad that you have made changes that you felt were necessary, and found someone who is so special to you!
What he said!
-
So 2 weeks later I told her. She thanked me for being honest with her. She told me she would still be my friend, but didn't have the confidence to talk with me like before. Then she suggested we email while she was away. That was 2 months ago and I've gotten maybe 6 sentences from her, I've been trying so hard to act like everything is okay, but she wont speak to me. She won't even write me. I don't know what I can do to keep her from being afraid. I know that is the only reason she ignores me, because she loves me. I know it. I feel it in every part of me.
Everyday hurts so much. I can't stop my feelings for her. I can't stop loving her though she continues to hurt me. I wish I knew how to quit her, but I don't.
Dear Kiseki.......
I am feeling what you feel. Only, in my case, it's not about a lover, it's about a friend. But the grief is just the same.
He won't speak to me.....He won't write to me....In 2 months, he wrote me once, to say......he misses me (!). And that's IT.
Many times I thought to delete his msn account from my list, so to avoid checking to see if he's online everytime I turn the computer on....But I don't have the strength to do it.
I, too, think that for him to face me would mean to look too deeply inside himself...and he's not ready to do it.
What the future will bring to us, I cannot tell.
But I think Jack (as always :-*......) is right; let's treasure love. It always teaches us something.
Dahlia
There is a phrase, originating from Richard Bach (US Writer) that is one of those things that I hold dear after I learnt a big lesson in life:
"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were."
on the face of it, it seems brutal and difficult to do, but it is one of the truest (i think I made that word up)
Thank you for that and I've done it. Last week I sent her 1 final letter, which was basically to tell her she needed to start communicating with me and stop running away from her problems. Then I asked her if she still cared at all. She hasn't responded so I guess there's my answer.
I'm okay with it. Got a bit of a dull ache, but what can I do? It's her life to live. I've let her go.
-
be sure you are truly conscious of the difference between executing the actions and understanding, deep inside, the point of doing them.
I was not for a very, very long time.
-
There is a phrase, originating from Richard Bach (US Writer) that is one of those things that I hold dear after I learnt a big lesson in life:
"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were."
on the face of it, it seems brutal and difficult to do, but it is one of the truest (i think I made that word up)
Thanks for being brutal.
These words got to the point. Right there, where it hurts.
And I have to agree.
-
Dear All
I used to be in this thread in the first months of my passion for BBM. And after I discovered The Slash Thread, I always thought I should come back here, but I don't manage to follow more than one place of this incredibly rich forum.
I come to the point. I've just started a new thread:
Communicating for free with other Brokies through skype
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=28124.0
I wanted to do this since a long time, now I finally did it because I just had a lovely telephone conversation with Andy. It was very special for me: for the first time I talked to a forum member.
Now imagine if you would be able to talk *for free* to Brokies all other the world!
skype is a system to phone absolutely for free from computer to computer. You just have to download the *free* programm here:
http://www.skype.com. More info in the new thread! I don't get any money from the company!
Best Wishes to everybody!
Antonella (yes, in the meantime I did ''come out'' on the forum ;-)
*Thank you for your attention - End of the announcement - You can go back to your discussion*
-
Thanks elena, there is already a big community of Brokies that already use Skype to communicate regularly.
but it is a great program so the publicity is worthwhile.
-
I wanted to wish you all a VERY Merry Christmas...remember ALWAYS believe in yours dreams!!
God Bless!!
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi109.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fn61%2Fwotever_vicky%2FMerryChristmas-1.gif&hash=3b7d1a752b548db3b21a9eedfb401a8b8d8e9140)
Nellie
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A Very Merry Christmas
and All The Love in the World to all of my Brokeback family. Thank you for being in my life. :-* :-* :-*
-
Some years ago I was speaking with a fellow you'd best describe as an "old curmudgeon." A cynical and unpleasant sort of fellow who could occasionally be civil. It was Christmas Eve and to make conversation I observed that all the glitter and festivities probably irritated him. To my surprise, he said, "Not really. I think that Jesus Christ was a great man. He totally revolutionized the way human beings treated one another." Coming from him, that was quite a statement.
Over the years I've often recalled that conversation. I think it said it all. Whether you're a believer or not, Jesus Christ (definitely NOT some of his so-called "followers") DID change what had been a dog-eat-dog, eye-for-eye and tooth-for-tooth world into one that was a bit kinder and gentler. Of course there's still no shortage of the old order of things--unfortunately there probably never will be. But as we once again celebrate the birth of a man who changed the world, each of us in our own way can try to own His ideals and make our small corners of that world a bit kinder and gentler. This Forum has achieved that end for many people in spite of some rough spots. We should all be grateful for it. I know I am.
Last Christmas Oregondoggie wrote a touching post that I saved and would like to quote here:
"Brokeback Mountain sleeps deeply in the snowy night.
It is winter. Far below Christmas trees twinkle at ranches and homes. Here in the high meadow, music of the northern lights shimmers and smiles. All is calm. All is bright. Can't look at no mountains no more without thinking of Brokeback...and of all you marvelous people who found yourselves once again in its loving embrace and have shared your joy and tears.
Happy Holidays!"
As this Forum celebrates its second year of existence, let's all pause to recall how things were before Brokeback...and rejoice in the fact that things have changed for the better for many of us.
Merry Christmas to all!
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi171.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fu316%2Frichchanstev%2FMerryChristmas2007-2.jpg&hash=f39d03e0625887301ca493852e9494be2f74ba1a)
Richchan
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Some years ago I was speaking with a fellow you'd best describe as an "old curmudgeon." A cynical and unpleasant sort of fellow who could occasionally be civil. It was Christmas Eve and to make conversation I observed that all the glitter and festivities probably irritated him. To my surprise, he said, "Not really. I think that Jesus Christ was a great man. He totally revolutionized the way human beings treated one another." Coming from him, that was quite a statement.
Over the years I've often recalled that conversation. I think it said it all. Whether you're a believer or not, Jesus Christ (definitely NOT some of his so-called "followers") DID change what had been a dog-eat-dog, eye-for-eye and tooth-for-tooth world into one that was a bit kinder and gentler. Of course there's still no shortage of the old order of things--unfortunately there probably never will be. But as we once again celebrate the birth of a man who changed the world, each of us in our own way can try to own His ideals and make our small corners of that world a bit kinder and gentler. This Forum has achieved that end for many people in spite of some rough spots. We should all be grateful for it. I know I am.
Last Christmas Oregondoggie wrote a touching post that I saved and would like to quote here:
"Brokeback Mountain sleeps deeply in the snowy night.
It is winter. Far below Christmas trees twinkle at ranches and homes. Here in the high meadow, music of the northern lights shimmers and smiles. All is calm. All is bright. Can't look at no mountains no more without thinking of Brokeback...and of all you marvelous people who found yourselves once again in its loving embrace and have shared your joy and tears.
Happy Holidays!"
As this Forum celebrates its second year of existence, let's all pause to recall how things were before Brokeback...and rejoice in the fact that things have changed for the better for many of us.
Merry Christmas to all!
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi171.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fu316%2Frichchanstev%2FMerryChristmas2007-2.jpg&hash=f39d03e0625887301ca493852e9494be2f74ba1a)
Richchan
Thank you richchan.
JT/EDM
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That "old curmudgeon" was pretty wise after all!
Thanks Richchan for your beautiful post.
Merry Christmas!
JJ
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Happy New Year!
I miss Brokeback Mountain. Wasn't that a magical year?
-
Happy New Year!
I miss Brokeback Mountain. Wasn't that a magical year?
Yes, it was.........
Happy New Year!
-
Happy New Year!
I miss Brokeback Mountain. Wasn't that a magical year?
Yes it was. A turning point.
Happy New Year!
-
I miss Brokeback Mountain. Wasn't that a magical year?
Hey Zuraffo -
It's been awhile - good to hear from you. As you can see the forum is still perking along!
Happy New Year to you!
Des
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Happy New Year!
I miss Brokeback Mountain. Wasn't that a magical year?
Happy New Year!
The initial impact of Brokeback may be gone, but the ripple effects are still touching me! I hope it's the same for you.
-
Happy New Year!
I miss Brokeback Mountain. Wasn't that a magical year?
Hey Zuraffo!! It is so good to see you after all this time!
Happy New Year to you !
You are so right, it was a magical year and many of us are here keeping that magic alive in our own small ways.
Don't be a stranger. :-*
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This movie and this forum have led me to new friends, new adventures, and a whole new life. I'm much more a risk-taker than I've ever been. While my adventure below is hardly much of a risk, it would never have happened without BBM and this forum.
Lunch at English Ivy’s
A few months ago I began volunteering one day a week at the city’s AIDS support center. I answer phones at the reception desk for the testing department.
Most times I have to leave quickly in order to pick up my son from school on time. Every so often, there are days when I don’t have to be in such a hurry. On one of those days, I asked a regular client to recommend a local eatery. (I don’t know downtown very well at all.) He highly recommended a small restaurant/bar that is owned by a gay couple. I figured “Why not?” and went to check out English Ivy’s.
It is a little establishment situated in the middle of a renewed urban district, a very nice area. Inside, the small bar is separated from the cozy dining room with a half wall and paned glass. I sat in the restaurant and had a terrific “special” for a good price. This place was great: low key, homey, very friendly staff, good food. I was there mid-afternoon, so there were hardly any other customers.
I returned there a couple of other times, reading or paying bills while I enjoyed the food. Sometimes the TV would be tuned to a soap opera or a sports channel. The bar had a huge plasma screen visible from many seats in the dining room.
My latest visit put me in the dining room with a view of the bar. The only other customers eating were a couple of women in a booth. A couple of guys were at the bar. I ordered the special and got out my bills.
After I had written a few checks, I heard a chorus singing a show tune. I looked up and saw that the big screen in the bar had a stage show on; I watched what looked like the opening number with great interest. My host and server (one of the owners, I think) brought my lunch and I had to ask him, “What are we watching? I’m pretty sure I don’t get that channel.”
“Oh, that?” He smiled. “That’s a DVD the bartender brought in. It’s a Broadway show called ‘Naked Men Singing.'”
And, by golly, it was. Lots of men. Very fit. Singing, dancing, kicking, twirling, leaping, and smiling. I was smiling too. This lunch was not quite what I expected.
When the host came by to refill my drink, I asked, “Is there a plot?”
He said, “Does it need one?”
Guess not. Good point. I finally remembered I still had a few bills left to pay. I finished lunch, paid bills, and got up with more songs yet to be sung. I thanked the host for a great lunch and told him my world had expanded a little bit that day.
I think I’ll go back.
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What a totally delightful story Betty!
It truly is amazing how our horizons have broadened these last two years.
So many people met, so many experiences undergone, so much life live.
Our new horizons with many sunrises seen and many more to come.
Thanks for sharing this!
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This movie and this forum have led me to new friends, new adventures, and a whole new life. I'm much more a risk-taker than I've ever been. While my adventure below is hardly much of a risk, it would never have happened without BBM and this forum.
Lunch at English Ivy’s
A few months ago I began volunteering one day a week at the city’s AIDS support center. I answer phones at the reception desk for the testing department.
Most times I have to leave quickly in order to pick up my son from school on time. Every so often, there are days when I don’t have to be in such a hurry. On one of those days, I asked a regular client to recommend a local eatery. (I don’t know downtown very well at all.) He highly recommended a small restaurant/bar that is owned by a gay couple. I figured “Why not?” and went to check out English Ivy’s.
It is a little establishment situated in the middle of a renewed urban district, a very nice area. Inside, the small bar is separated from the cozy dining room with a half wall and paned glass. I sat in the restaurant and had a terrific “special” for a good price. This place was great: low key, homey, very friendly staff, good food. I was there mid-afternoon, so there were hardly any other customers.
I returned there a couple of other times, reading or paying bills while I enjoyed the food. Sometimes the TV would be tuned to a soap opera or a sports channel. The bar had a huge plasma screen visible from many seats in the dining room.
My latest visit put me in the dining room with a view of the bar. The only other customers eating were a couple of women in a booth. A couple of guys were at the bar. I ordered the special and got out my bills.
After I had written a few checks, I heard a chorus singing a show tune. I looked up and saw that the big screen in the bar had a stage show on; I watched what looked like the opening number with great interest. My host and server (one of the owners, I think) brought my lunch and I had to ask him, “What are we watching? I’m pretty sure I don’t get that channel.”
“Oh, that?” He smiled. “That’s a DVD the bartender brought in. It’s a Broadway show called ‘Naked Men Singing.'”
And, by golly, it was. Lots of men. Very fit. Singing, dancing, kicking, twirling, leaping, and smiling. I was smiling too. This lunch was not quite what I expected.
When the host came by to refill my drink, I asked, “Is there a plot?”
He said, “Does it need one?”
Guess not. Good point. I finally remembered I still had a few bills left to pay. I finished lunch, paid bills, and got up with more songs yet to be sung. I thanked the host for a great lunch and told him my world had expanded a little bit that day.
I think I’ll go back.
Neatfreak
It's heartwarming to see someone break out of their "comfort zone" and try something/place different.
Naked Boys Singing was originally a stageplay which was later turned into a movie filmed before a live audience. Actually, I rented it last week for the first time and there IS a "plot" or at least a message in it that's a good one for the Puritanical USA. The point of this production is to put nudity in its place. Instead of eliciting prurient interest and infantile "naughty but nice" attitudes, it's taken at face value, then receeds into the background. Many of the musical numbers explain the performers' challenges about nudity like locker room anxiety. While they're performing one totally loses awareness that they are singing without clothing.
It's worth the time in my opinion, to rent (or buy) this DVD.
Congratulations on further "stretching your mind."
Richchan
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As this Forum celebrates its second year of existence, let's all pause to recall how things were before Brokeback...and rejoice in the fact that things have changed for the better for many of us.
Richchan
Hope I got the quotes right because I have been severely corrected in the past when it was supposed that I changed someone's statement. The afore mentioned has me thinking tonight about the many struggles before and since BBM, the return of mental health, the rise and fall of physical health, and the many ways that that simple film is changing my life.
Michael
modified to fix quote
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don't give up on us baby
don't make the wrong seem right
the future isn't just one night
it's written in the moonlight
and painted on the stars
we can't change ours
don't give up on us baby
we're still worth one more try
i know we put a last one by
just for the rainy evening
when maybe stars are few
don't give up on us, i know
we can still come true
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi44.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff5%2FDiDys%2FJake%2FBrokeback%2520clips%2FBBMSNITcloseup.jpg&hash=0a63be734f6bcef0b987a35f8c277752d24b6336)
i really lost my head last night
you've got it right to stop believing
there's still a little love left
even so
don't give up on us baby
lord knows we've come this far
can't we stay the way we are
the angel and the dreamer
who sometimes plays a fool
don't give up on us, i know
we can still come true
it's written in the moonlight
and painted on the stars
we can't change ours
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi44.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff5%2FDiDys%2FJake%2FBrokeback%2520clips%2F042.jpg&hash=478f79813ca0c3540025e8322f779b8847a93b31)
don't give up on us baby
we're still worth one more try
i know we put a last one by
just for the rainy evening
when maybe stars are few
don't give up on us, i know
we can still come true
Sung by David Soul in the 70's
Happy New Year everyone !
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Trinkie! Great post! Love it, and you!
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But no credit to Mr David Soul!
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“Oh, that?” He smiled. “That’s a DVD the bartender brought in. It’s a Broadway show called ‘Naked Men Singing.'”
I saw that on stage when I visited NYC back in August, with a brokie friend, and it was another opportunity opened up for me by this movie.
Loved it. "Gratuitus Nudity....."
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But no credit to Mr David Soul!
Oh my gosh TH, you are absolutely right! I should be beaten. :-[
Yes, a friend mentioned this song to me a couple of days ago.
I WILL correct that, THANK YOU ! ;D
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Trinket....you loca!! So nice to see you ;D
Thanks for that song,I remember it well,was in love with it...*sigh*
((hugs))
Nellie
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Despite being cheered up by the diner this afternoon I am feeling mighty crap this evening...
1) Back to work... It all seems so futile... Using so much cerebral energy, when there is so much living to do... But how can one live without independent means unless funds are sought in recompense for work... Dycotomy for sure....
2) I thoroughly enjoyed the last 2 weeks with all my euro brokie friends, and thought I really needed some solitude and peace... But truth is, I miss them all so much and the flat feels rather empty.. Nice in one way, but not so nice in others...
3) Missed seeing my best friend last Friday... he was supposed to come over, and something came up at home... This situation fuses my brain cells so much at times I can hardly stand it... BUT I live for the good times when they come, and try to feed on those memories...
Just feeling really sorry for myself and down at the moment...
Not sure my choice of music helps either... Look at Me by Robin Thicke
It feels like you don't need me anymore
I used to be the answer and the cure
I used to be the life you thought for sure and oh you're sure on me now
And even though the sun is shining the raging fires are slowly dying
My walls have got me rattling my cage
Look at me look at me again
Set me free Look at me again
I thought you would protect me from the loneliness and shame
but now I see its part of who I was and who I am
and you being gone reminds me of nobody being there
Oh I'm sure
And even though your eyes are shining I cant stop my own from crying
I cant stop whats running through my head
Look at me look at me again
Set me free Look at me again
Boy you don't have to worry I won't get in your way
I just want to be with you and I just want to hold you
I just want to be next to you every morning
When you look into my eyes you see everything I hide
and if I've changed or am I still the same
Look at me look at me again
Look at me save me set me free look at me
Boy I want to be with you want to hold you want to be with you in the morning
I miss you I miss you so much baby
-
(((Wayne)))
I'm sorry you're feeling this way,God only knows we all go thru this,doesn't make it all the easier though,does it!
It's okay to allow ourselves to feel sappy....hang in there,sweet thing!
Nellie :-*
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(((((((WAYNE)))))))
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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Happy New Year!
I miss Brokeback Mountain. Wasn't that a magical year?
Yes. It was. I miss it very much as well. Glad to know others like you feel the same way. And like me, we wonder back this way to touch base with all the others like us.
Thank you, Zuraffo.
-
Just feeling really sorry for myself and down at the moment...
Look at Me by Robin Thicke
oh Wayne....I know that feeling babe :-* :-*
....such beautiful lyrics. I posted it in the 'listening to' thread for you.
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First off, hello all.
Being a rather behind-the-times sort of guy, I only got to see "Brokeback Mountain" a week ago on DVD. Since then I have watched it 7 times, so you could say the film and story has certainly made an impact on me! The film has become somewhat of an obsession over the past week, and I think this story will be in my heart for the rest of my life. Watching the film was like a homecoming, although I have never been a cowboy, or visited Wyoming. I suppose it's because all boys dream of being a cowboy, and what better role models than Ennis and Jack to fulfill my fantasies. Everything that happened between Ennis and Jack was truely believable, and to some extent I can relate to a lot of things in the story in my personal life. Let's just say that the most prominent part of the film for me was the closing shot of Ennis with Jacks shirt. Oh Ennis, I certainly know that feeling, and have lived with it for 23 years! I'm not sure how many of you know what it's like to lose a soulmate, but let's just say it's like losing a limb. You can try moving on into new relationships, but your first love is still there with you in your heart and soul forever.
Getting back to the film and how it has affected me. I don't think I'll be running down to my nearest store to buy a Stetson and a plaid shirt, or join my nearest barn dancing school, I would just look and feel like an idiot, but I will certainly be watching westerns in a new light from now on. The simple, albeit hard life of a cowboy would have been very appealing to me 30 years ago, but I am destined to live out my life in the city now. I will however be saving up my pennies to try to visit some of the splendid scenery shown in the film. Bliss!
Hope my post makes some sort of sense to someone!
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It surely does, Phil!
Welcome to this wonderful forum. This is a great place - hope you'll stay with us. For a while or - maybe? - for longer. It's really worthwhile.
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Thanks,
I will certainly be visiting this forum as often as possible from now on. Good to see so many people have the same obsession.
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Hey (((Phil))) welcome here! Glad you found us :)
Your post makes a lot of sense! I can only try to imagine your grief......words can't express much.
I hope you'll find yourself at home here..... Explore the forum...it's huge, I wish you it will be a source of discoveries...like it's been for so many of us!
Love
D
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Thanks Dahlia,
Yes, it's going to take ages reading everything on the forum, but I will persevere.
Thanks for the welcome.
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let me join the chorus phil, welcome to our humble abode. many of us have lived here longer than our current flats.
as you go back to read of the early days, and indeed, i hope you will look into the book of our stories that sharing here generated, you will find that countless thousands of us have endured some variation of the lost love, and/or the regret of never making the grab for the gold ring. my adult life was bookended, with a span of almost 40 years, with brokeback lover who just couldn't figure themselves out. they are gone, and i remain soewhat wiser for having seen this movie, and in particular, read annie proulx masterwork of a novella. please do find it if you haven't read it already.
cuts like a knife... or like a diamond.
jack
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A warm welcome from me too, Phil. :)
Your post makes perfect sense! Don't you worry...
And it's never too late to join our common obsession. ;)
I've made many friends here and I discover many interesting things all the time.
Welcome again,
-
Welcome Phil
We all understand what you are going through and will here on hand to lend ears, shoulders and friendship!
You'll find a few of us Brits around the threads
Sal ;D
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Getting back to the film and how it has affected me. I don't think I'll be running down to my nearest store to buy a Stetson and a plaid shirt
I said the same thing almost 2 years ago.
Tell you what... I lied
I just had to have a shirt, so I bought this:
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fbaycityforums.com%2Fimages%2Flastscan.jpg&hash=f907dbcd3ad74083a74fc9ea22a338486171b2f2)
Then of course it didn't look right without a hat, so I broke down and bought one in Denver last year.
I only wear them to Brokeback events and I don't look out of place at all. We love to dress up at our events.
Welcome to the forum!
-
john ... don't scare the newbies off >:( ;)
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Phil:
We have a site map available here to help you find your way around:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8878.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8878.0)
And this is the archived thread "How Brokeback Affected Me". It's over 800 pages long, so it might take you awhile to read:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0)
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Phil - it might be useful to introduce yourself a bit more in the NEW MEMBERS thread.
It's filed under "Meet your neighbours", on the bottom of the page. Just scroll down...
Good luck! ;)
-
john ... don't scare the newbies off >:( ;)
at least until we teach him the secret handshake and give him his decoder ring...lol.
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at least until we teach him the secret handshake and give him his decoder ring...lol.
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fbbmfoundation.net%2FBayCityForums%2Fimages%2Fimages%2Fcbring.jpg&hash=79fb87860e278ec94614fc09264338df8e83af19)
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<snip>
Hope my post makes some sort of sense to someone!
Someone is EVERYONE in here,my dear.....Welcome to this Forum,Phil...I'm so glad you found us.
You'll soon realize that so many share your story in similar ways...we do understand,and we do care....
Nellie
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Thanks all. You've all made me feel very welcome, and it's going to be a pleasure to get to know you all.
Yep, I'm hooked on the forum, and believe it or not, I'm even listening to Country music! A miracle in its own right!
Think it's going to take me a while to find my way around, so I'll take your advice and use the site map and introduce myself in the "Meet your neighbours" section.
Thanks again. Feel like I've made some friends already, and believe me, it's been a long time since I had any!
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First off, hello all.
Being a rather behind-the-times sort of guy, I only got to see "Brokeback Mountain" a week ago on DVD. Since then I have watched it 7 times, so you could say the film and story has certainly made an impact on me! The film has become somewhat of an obsession over the past week, and I think this story will be in my heart for the rest of my life. Watching the film was like a homecoming, although I have never been a cowboy, or visited Wyoming. I suppose it's because all boys dream of being a cowboy, and what better role models than Ennis and Jack to fulfill my fantasies. Everything that happened between Ennis and Jack was truely believable, and to some extent I can relate to a lot of things in the story in my personal life. Let's just say that the most prominent part of the film for me was the closing shot of Ennis with Jacks shirt. Oh Ennis, I certainly know that feeling, and have lived with it for 23 years! I'm not sure how many of you know what it's like to lose a soulmate, but let's just say it's like losing a limb. You can try moving on into new relationships, but your first love is still there with you in your heart and soul forever.
Getting back to the film and how it has affected me. I don't think I'll be running down to my nearest store to buy a Stetson and a plaid shirt, or join my nearest barn dancing school, I would just look and feel like an idiot, but I will certainly be watching westerns in a new light from now on. The simple, albeit hard life of a cowboy would have been very appealing to me 30 years ago, but I am destined to live out my life in the city now. I will however be saving up my pennies to try to visit some of the splendid scenery shown in the film. Bliss!
Hope my post makes some sort of sense to someone!
Welcome Phil.
It is never to late to find this movie and these characters. I have a feeling people will discover it for years to come. I am so glad you found this wonderful community, for this is what we are. You make perfect sense, because we have ALL been through what you are experiencing, be it over 2 years ago or yesterday.
I have only lived with losing my soulmate for 3 years, but I DO know what the feeling is. This movie and the book and the folks here have motivated me to be not like Ennis.
Thanks so much for joining us and sharing with us. We have been here awhile and hope that you stay awhile too.
Linda
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Yep, I'm hooked on the forum, and believe it or not, I'm even listening to Country music! A miracle in its own right!
That's how it starts. I'll bet you'll be buying that plaid shirt and stetson very soon.
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Being a rather behind-the-times sort of guy, I only got to see "Brokeback Mountain" a week ago on DVD.
Welcome Phil,
I'm the DVD affected Brokie, too!
It happened to me May last year, so I am a rather latercomer also. I found this place within several days after
seeing the film and got choked up for a reason I could not find out why.
I found solace in so many caring experienced people here and it was a blessing.
I hope you feel comfortable with us.
Rei-g/Relma
Japan
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Yep, I'm hooked on the forum, and believe it or not, I'm even listening to Country music! A miracle in its own right!
That's how it starts. I'll bet you'll be buying that plaid shirt and stetson very soon.
You could very well be right John. I've been listening to .977 The Country Channel on Windows Media Player for the past 2 hours, and it's certainly hitting all the right spots. Think I'll start off with a "I love BBM" T-shirt first though... ease in slowly! ;D
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Jari (Boris) wrote this almost 2 years ago, and I like to show it to new members every few months. This is just part of the post, so I'm including a link to the entire, original post.
Brokeback Mountain has done something very seldom a movie can, It has provided us all a frame of reference to reflect our pain, sorrow, joy, love, hopes and aspirations. It gave us all a mirror to look at ourselves. It gave us a story that we could emotionally attach and this forum provided a place where to share our feelings.
Brokeback provided us with language of loss that we all could understand. Brokeback hit us directly into heart and ripped our protective layers to shreds. It left us vulnerable and raw but also alive. Brokeback cannot provide meaning and purpose to our lives but it has exposed the need, shown to us that we may have lost our direction and we need to reclaim it.
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.msg55695#msg55695 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.msg55695#msg55695)
I also made a video of this last year and posted it on Youtube:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=k3t7INA8P4o (http://youtube.com/watch?v=k3t7INA8P4o)
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You could very well be right John. I've been listening to .977 The Country Channel on Windows Media Player for the past 2 hours, and it's certainly hitting all the right spots. Think I'll start off with a "I love BBM" T-shirt first though... ease in slowly! ;D
Check this out if you get a chance. Brokeback Mountain Radio.
http://www.live365.com/stations/dampier (http://www.live365.com/stations/dampier)
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You could very well be right John. I've been listening to .977 The Country Channel on Windows Media Player for the past 2 hours, and it's certainly hitting all the right spots. Think I'll start off with a "I love BBM" T-shirt first though... ease in slowly! ;D
Check this out if you get a chance. Brokeback Mountain Radio.
http://www.live365.com/stations/dampier (http://www.live365.com/stations/dampier)
Alright John,
Will now make dampier radio my exclusive net player when viewing the forums.
Brokeback rules the airwaves.
Phil
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Rule, Brokebackia! Brokebackia rules the waves....
Brokies never, never, never shall be slaves!
Oops, sorry! (Couldn't resist)
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I haven't had much time to sit and think these months....but these past few days have been a thinker!
I can't really say upfront what I REALLY want to say,not mentioning names and such....but this here Forum,all these people that visit...even the psycho's that pass thru here and there.. sorry..but there are some folks that are past the "lost marbles" stage....I'm missing maybe just one...bwahah ::)
God, what am I trying to say?....this here Forum...with all it's ups and downs...with all the people leaving and joining..it's still a great place..the feelings I still get in my stomach ever now and then,even as infrequent a visitor I am,it's still there....hugging me. In time of need for us,for the few of us that really rely in this Forum as their only friendships,for people who need the push me ups of confidence,the thoughts that go in these conversations....the heartfelt voices from all over the world...shit...I still don't know what I'm trying to say....ugh
Having known so many of you for 2 years now... the feeling of "family" is unhelped...my Forum family...even though I'm so very busy with my life,work,all of it and will never spend all my time in here as I did 2 years ago...so many of you are forever in my mind,my prayers...so many things I feel in my heart for some of you, the closest ones to me...even the one's who aren't as close as the others....you all know who you are.....when one of you is hurting..when one of you is sick...what are we to do?...pray,send hugs,phone and wait....my heart strings are pulling...my mind races...my tears fall silently
Brokeback Mountain.....ahhh...those words ....how have we survived without it?..the meaning of this movie is an on going thing.When you think you said it all ,out comes something else...it's going to be with us forever...we are ALWAYS going to compare life to Brokeback ..what it stands for....it's only the "Brokeback" thing to do..how can we not?
I don't know ,people.....I'm just so thankful that we can be here for people who need...I'm so glad that people can still come in here and say.."thank you"..so thankful that we can give virtual hugs ....I just want things to be "okay" for people...I want our pain to go away...but life is life...and all I can say for the moment is that I'm glad we still have each other,so glad that our love for one another,DOES make a difference in people's lives....and that we support each other...
God Bless,
Nellie
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And we are all! soooooo lucky to have you here Nellie, you are an amazing inspiration to many here; plus, you know, the 'humor' you provide simply cannot be matched! ;D ;D :-* :-*
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So beautifully said Nells :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
And if ever there was a reason for the forum to be here we have it right now...
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I haven't had much time to sit and think these months....but these past few days have been a thinker!
I don't know ,people.....I'm just so thankful that we can be here for people who need...I'm so glad that people can still come in here and say.."thank you"..so thankful that we can give virtual hugs ....I just want things to be "okay" for people...I want our pain to go away...but life is life...and all I can say for the moment is that I'm glad we still have each other,so glad that our love for one another,DOES make a difference in people's lives....and that we support each other...
God Bless,
Nellie
same here, and thanks nell!! for finding the right words and putting them here :-*
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Phil,
I'm glad to see that you joined us.
Yep, I'm hooked on the forum, and believe it or not, I'm even listening to Country music! A miracle in its own right!
Tell me about it!! You know...black folks aren't "supposed" to like Country music. Its been two years since I saw the film and read the novella. I still haven't bought a cowboy hat or a plaid shirt (yet), but Brokeback is responsible for opening my ears to Country music. At first I liked it because the men all sing in their natural voices, rather than in the manufactured, androgynous falsetto that is so prevalent in pop. The more I listened to it, the more I came to appreciate the unvarnished way the singers and songwriters express themselves.
I hope you enjoy this place.
Milo
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Hi Milo,
I think it was those first two plunks on the strings in the opening of BBM that did it for me, although I did have a crush on Chris Isaak when I was younger. Still enjoy listening to "Wicked Game" & "Blue Hotel" occasionally, and even went to see him live in concert here in Bristol about 10 years ago.
Yes, I think my love affair with Country music is just beginning. Just wish my guitar playing was up to scratch, then I'd produce my own songs.
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Phil,
I'm glad to see that you joined us.
Yep, I'm hooked on the forum, and believe it or not, I'm even listening to Country music! A miracle in its own right!
Tell me about it!! You know...black folks aren't "supposed" to like Country music...
Milo, you also grew up in the US region the most immune to country music (New England). My 15 years there pretty much innoculated me against it and not even Brokeback Mountain could overcome that. :D
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Milo, you also grew up in the US region the most immune to country music (New England).
Tru dat. Not many cowboy hats walking around Boston.
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Hi Milo,
I think it was those first two plunks on the strings in the opening of BBM that did it for me, although I did have a crush on Chris Isaak when I was younger. Still enjoy listening to "Wicked Game" & "Blue Hotel" occasionally, and even went to see him live in concert here in Bristol about 10 years ago.
Yes, I think my love affair with Country music is just beginning. Just wish my guitar playing was up to scratch, then I'd produce my own songs.
I love Chris Isaak!
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I love Chris Isaak!
Hi Marleen,
Yeah, isn't he just the sexiest thing on two legs, and boy what a voice. He was really energetic on stage, and the crowd loved him. I used to have all his CDs, but my whole collection was stolen in a burglery, and I never got round to buying them again. Must try to download them from the net sometime, although there are a few videos up on youtube, (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXmlJQN5Pm8 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXmlJQN5Pm8)). Listening to Wicked Game as I type.
Phil
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There's a very good Brokeback music vid with Wicked Game : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3mH0i5l76k
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There's a very good Brokeback music vid with Wicked Game : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3mH0i5l76k
Wow, what excellent video editing. The song and video clips go together perfectly. They look as if they were meant to belong together. I'll treasure this.
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Yup another good one to add to the collection, thanks K.
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There's a very good Brokeback music vid with Wicked Game : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3mH0i5l76k
Wow, what excellent video editing. The song and video clips go together perfectly. They look as if they were meant to belong together. I'll treasure this.
.....though Wicked Game to me means David Lynch's Wild at Heart! Forever
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Wicked Games, is one of my favourite songs, when sung by my unavailable Ennis...
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Kim, this video is fabulous - and heartbreaking! The choice of looks and stares and expression fit the song perfectly.
And the moment of devastation on Ennis' face, when the music entirely stops and only Chris' NOBODY loves NOONE remains in our ears and minds!
I sit here and cry.
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Tell you what...
I've found that every time we have a get-together, there are people that gather together to tell their stories.
These people tell their stories with impact and emotion that can't be conveyed in writing.
I want to start documenting these conversations.
Call it " Beyond Brokeback: The Impact of a Film"
We have a story that needs to be told.
My vision is a short documentary film, maybe 45 minutes.
We have several events coming up and I would like to film the conversations that happen.
Brokeback Mountain is already a classic film. But why?
We've all heard that it affected a lot of people, but how? And who are these people?
I want to make this film in the next year, and I want help from anyone who can help.
This film is not just about how Brokeback Mountain has affected people, but how film and literature can impact the lives of people in unexpected ways.
I'm looking for a script writer, graphic artist, narrator, and anyone who wants to tell their story.
If you have creative talent to offer to this project, send me a PM and let's get rolling.
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Well John, that sounds like a good project, unfortunately I don't possess any talents or capabilities in the areas you need, and OMG, I am way camera-shy, so, no video from me, but I would acquiesce if it was at one of the BBM gatherings, still have that on my 'to do' list for this year...............good luck, and I have a feeling you will get the volunteers and help you need from the wonderful, gracious and talented folks here in the Forum..........look forward to hearing more about it!
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Dear friends,
There's so many times I come in here,in this thread,and speak my mind...so many times it was so hard for me to put into words,but this is the hardest time I will ever have,right now,to tell you what I have to say...
I'm afraid,our dearest Forum member,Jackie (PaintedShoes) has taken ill.....REALLY bad...she was diagnosed with cancer a few weeks ago..liver cancer...I won't go into details....I simply can't...it doesn't matter anyway,just that it's bad....
She was in the hospital these past few days because of dehydration ....she had her ups and downs...her daughter has been contacting me with updates and in return,I have been telling her that we all love her and wish her so well...she was getting stronger and was scheduled for rehab this week followed by chemotherapy...they were going to operate....she is now in liver failure and in Hospice...they are helping her every way they can.. making her comfortable..she's with family....it may be days...it may be weeks....I don't know..only God knows....*sigh*
I'm asking you all to please pray for my hermana...our dearest buddy..our best friend....(God,this is fucken hard)....but PLEASE pray for her....pray that she's not in pain...pray that God will take her...shit,pray for a fucken miracle...this is a nightmare...pray that we'll all wake up tomorrow and she'll be in here ...in this Forum...making jokes.......God....why our Jackie?
Before I end this horrific post....I just wanted to tell all of you, THANK YOU so so much for being Jackie's friend...for opening up to her..for allowing her to be a part of this family of ours...this has truly been a Godsend for her...because if she wouldn't of met us?...she would of felt so alone...so afraid....but she's not...she has us...and our "VIBES" will reach her and she will KNOW this....she will know that we love her,she will feel us...I'm so so sure of this.
How this movie changed us,how this Forum helped us....now we must reach out and pray...for Jackie.
((( Hugs)))
Nellie
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Jackie, is one special special lady... Her journey because of this film has been immense...
Her love always selfless and giving...
Her friendship so warm, and filling...
I am so thankful that this film, this forum, brought Jackie - THE HALLOWED PAINTED SHOES - into my life for the last couple of years...
I will NEVER forget some of the precious moments we spent together...
To me she is the mother of the forum, who enveloped all her children with love and protection...
LOVE YOU JACKIE ALWAYS :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
And Nellie, you have been wonderfully strong with your updates and for showing her family that we are her real friends and family too... :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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A team of people over here is praying for her, Nellie, Christian Scientists, too.
Thank you for letting us know.
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I have also just poured a rather large brandy...
Cheers to you Jackie, sweetheart... :-*
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nellie, thank you for taking it upon you to post the news. please, everybody, pray, meditate, do whatever you religion, your faith, life philosophy tells you...that whatever is best for jackie should happen.
this is so unfair..she deserved all the best things on earth. let us be grateful for every second that she gave to us.
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Praying, praying, praying for my Ms. Jiminy... (our secret)
But also so very, very angry that she may not get more time to enjoy her new life
LOVE to you, my darling
MOD And thank you, thank you, thank you, (((((((((((((((((((Nellie))))))))))))))))))))
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She reached out to me, a complete stranger, to welcome me here and to talk to me. Her sense of humor, her amazingly positive attitude, her caring ways, her capacity to love.......... I didn't have to meet her in person to sense these things about her. I am praying for you... Love you, Jackie.........
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OH God, I can't believe it. I was feeling optimistic, and now, oh man, not our Jackie.
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I am praying for Jackie.
I am praying for her family and closest friends here.
And for you Nellie!
Love!
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OH God, I can't believe it. I was feeling optimistic, and now, oh man, not our Jackie.
Exactly - NOT our Jackie, the most selfless person I have ever met...
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Melissa sends her love to everyone in this trying time and says...
'Everyone knows I love Jackie, that she was my "mama" better than the one I had and Jackie knows it. That I know for sure, she knows exactly how I feel about her.'
Thanks Melissa, and our love for you is coming back at you... And we know that you are there with us, sending loving positive vibes and prayers to Jackie...
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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I feel a little bit stupid, because I think Jackie and I have never communicated on the forum, so she doesn't even know me. But I guess you cannot be a member of this forum without "knowing" her...
I can't pray, I can't meditate or do any other kind of spiritual thing... But I can think of her and wish the best for her - whatever that might be - and I will! :'( :-* :-*
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I understand that from the kindness of your hearts,you all may want to send flowers,cards...whatever....PLEASE PM Adrian with this info.....as soon as I get a new address as to where to send these I will let Adrian know and he can organize this and give you the mailing address and such...
God Bless...
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How this movie changed us,how this Forum helped us....now we must reach out and pray...for Jackie.
((( Hugs)))
Nellie
If it weren't for Ang's Brokeback Mountain (Jackie told me once that she never abbreviated - BBM - she always spelled it out) most of us here would never have met this fabulous, giving, genuine woman!
Prayers for you Sweet Jackie ! WE WILL FOREVER BE SISTERS!
I cherish the book of poems you gave me.
LOVE YOU TONS AND TONS !
Di
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I will never forget when I first reached 1,000 posts, and I started a thread about what my special name should be. I received a number of joking replies, all of which made me laugh.
And then Jackie posted, and said I should be called "Faithful Friend", because that was the one description that she felt fit me the most. I was so touched, I called to thank her, and it became my "tag" here, and it will never change.
When the Texas BBQ took place in '06, my direct flight from NJ to Tx had ended up becoming 2 layovers, and many missed flights due to a security scare. What was supposed to be a flight landing at noon on Thursday, beccame an 18 hour ordeal that ended just after midnight, so technically Friday AM.
I got off that plane, and bleary-eyed, tried to locate my bags. When I found them, there was a touch on my shoulder from behind, and I heard "Hello Faithful Friend". It was Jackie, she had come to the airport to meet me, and she gave my weary body a big hug.
I've since had the good fortune to see Jackie many times over the next two years, twice at her apartment, once in Ocean City, once in Bay City, once in NYC, and once in Colorado. Every time she saw me, I was greeted the same way, with a big hug and a "Faithful Friend".
When I went through hard times, she would call me to check up on me, and always made time to take my calls when I needed to talk.
Jackie, I'm sending all my prayers and love, and if I could, my strength as well.
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi54.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fg116%2FCellarDweller115%2FNYC%2520Gathering%2FNYCGathering033.jpg&hash=ef265f2bfbcd62e3c6921e5bb92dd0dd8d4288f0)
She's just a few hours drive from me
she lives on the same coast
a woman that we all hold dear
and who would frequently post
to this forum where she made friends
where she'd spend parts of her day
and little did she know
she touched our hearts along the way
with the way she shared her feelings
and the way she talked to us
free with her time and her emotions
and she never raised a fuss
I'm sure that Jackie knows
that we're praying for her now
and we'd take this pain from her
if we truly just knew how
so let's hold on to each other
while we pray to God above
focus now on Jackie
and we'll send her all our love
we love you, Jackie!
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The past several weeks there have been several new "brokies" posting in here and when I didn't see PaintedShoes immediate, "welcome to the greatest place in the world," trademark post I had a sinking feeling that something was terribly wrong.
Nellie, thank you so much for keeping all of us informed. I've always though of both you and Jackie as co-mothers of this Forum and I can imagine how difficult this is for you, as well.
I know everyone in here will be praying, each in his/her own ways for both of you...
Rick
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Nellie, muchas gracias for what you just wrote. What a burden! I love you for doing that so tactfully.
And for my dearest Broccolette, just one word and one gesture:
:-* :-* :-*
((((((((((((Jackie)))))))))))
That's all.
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((((Nellie)))) thank you for your updates, sweetheart and for being so brave and strong in these days :-*
Almost 2 years ago I had the privilege to know a wonderful woman, the most unselfish person I ever met. I still can't believe this is happening, I was so much looking forward to meeting her again. I only hope she's feeling our love, because those who have met her, in person or here in these pages, cannot help it: there's only love for Jackie. And this forum is privileged as well, we all are.
I really hope she's not in too much pain. My thoughts are with her and her family, and with us all.
:-* :-*
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I will never forget when I first reached 1,000 posts, and I started a thread about what my special name should be. I received a number of joking replies, all of which made me laugh.
And then Jackie posted, and said I should be called "Faithful Friend", because that was the one description that she felt fit me the most. I was so touched, I called to thank her, and it became my "tag" here, and it will never change.
When the Texas BBQ took place in '06, my direct flight from NJ to Tx had ended up becoming 2 layovers, and many missed flights due to a security scare. What was supposed to be a flight landing at noon on Thursday, beccame an 18 hour ordeal that ended just after midnight, so technically Friday AM.
I got off that plane, and bleary-eyed, tried to locate my bags. When I found them, there was a touch on my shoulder from behind, and I heard "Hello Faithful Friend". It was Jackie, she had come to the airport to meet me, and she gave my weary body a big hug.
I've since had the good fortune to see Jackie many times over the next two years, twice at her apartment, once in Ocean City, once in Bay City, once in NYC, and once in Colorado. Every time she saw me, I was greeted the same way, with a big hug and a "Faithful Friend".
When I went through hard times, she would call me to check up on me, and always made time to take my calls when I needed to talk.
Jackie, I'm sending all my prayers and love, and if I could, my strength as well.
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi54.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fg116%2FCellarDweller115%2FNYC%2520Gathering%2FNYCGathering033.jpg&hash=ef265f2bfbcd62e3c6921e5bb92dd0dd8d4288f0)
She's just a few hours drive from me
she lives on the same coast
a woman that we all hold dear
and who would frequently post
to this forum where she made friends
where she'd spend parts of her day
and little did she know
she touched our hearts along the way
with the way she shared her feelings
and the way she talked to us
free with her time and her emotions
and she never raised a fuss
I'm sure that Jackie knows
that we're praying for her now
and we'd take this pain from her
if we truly just knew how
so let's hold on to each other
while we pray to God above
focus now on Jackie
and we'll send her all our love
we love you, Jackie!
Thanks, (((Chuck)))
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And Chuck that photo is from New York... What a wonderful time we had with Jackie...
Look at her face, all happiness... :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
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The past several weeks there have been several new "brokies" posting in here and when I didn't see PaintedShoes immediate, "welcome to the greatest place in the world," trademark post I had a sinking feeling that something was terribly wrong.
Nellie, thank you so much for keeping all of us informed. I've always though of both you and Jackie as co-mothers of this Forum and I can imagine how difficult this is for you, as well.
I know everyone in here will be praying, each in his/her own ways for both of you...
Rick
How true Rick... So have I... :)
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Thank you Chuck. You express in a better way than I ever could.
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Dear Jackie, I already said it in the Diner and I am numb.
You have been so wonderful to me, and to everyone.
How this can be, I don't know. But I am praying for you with all my heart.
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March 13, 2006
BayCityJohn, Welcome. It's good to meet another fellow Brokeaholic. Please feel free to roam around and share your comments on other sites. New voices are always welcome.
Jackie was the first person to welcome me to the forum nearly 2 years ago, and I was 'pleased to find a friend where none had been expected'.
She's one of my best friends on the forum and I love her very much.
I hope to be able to welcome her back as soon as she recovers.
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(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Frender-2.snapfish.com%2Frender2%2Fis%3DYup6aQQ%257C%253Dup6RKKt%253AxxWtUq4P0-ofrj%253DQofrj7t%253DzrRfDUX%253AeQaQxg%253Dr%253F87KR6xqpxQQJGxneQxG0Gxv8uOc5xQQQ0nQPJPQeanqpfVtB%253F%2AKUp7BHSHqqy7XH6gXPe0%257CRup6lQQ%257C%2Fof%3D50%2C590%2C442&hash=9c6ae045cba5debc7c52d876c1fd422904d609ba)
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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And Chuck that photo is from New York... What a wonderful time we had with Jackie...
Look at her face, all happiness... :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
Chuck the poet, you put it all into the right words again -- thank you for saying what we all feel.
Wayne, I remember that photo, and all the photos of the visit you had with Jackie in New York. Such a wonderful time you had, and such a wonderful smile she has.
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Jackie was the first person to welcome me to the forum nearly 2 years ago, and I was 'pleased to find a friend where none had been expected'.
She's one of my best friends on the forum and I love her very much.
I hope to be able to welcome her back as soon as she recovers.
Yes, John. Let's keep thinking that way, please. Please, please, please.
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I just saw this now, just this "minute" I don't even know what to say, I am speechless. My beautiful beautiful Jackie, she was always so nice to me, she was so nice to everyone. I feel totally helpless. :'( :'( :'(
I am going to pray and pray (that goes without saying). I just really don't know what to say, I can't stop crying!!
We LOVE you Jackie, PLEASE get better, somehow get better!!!
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we love you, Jackie!
Chuck, thank you so much for your poem and this photo...
((((((((((((CHUCK))))))))))))))))
Jackie, I love you!
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I don't know Jackie, but I do know how hard it is to fight cancer and anyone fighting that needs all the best wishes and support in the world. I watched my grandmother fight it three times, so I am sending all the best wishes out.
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Chuck and I have opened a new thread for all of you that wish to post words of encouragement, prayers, remembrances, pictures, anything at all in relation to Jackie. Perhaps at the right time some of the notes and posts can be sent along to Jackie through her family/friends. Please feel welcome at "Jackie's Friends"
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=28459.0
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((((((((((((((((((((( Jackie ))))))))))))))))))))))
I love you honey.
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Dearest Jackie, we met just the once but you were my friend the moment I stepped into this forum.
Thinkin' on you lady
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Much like Rick posted a page or two back, I also noticed Jackie simply vanished from the forum, I knew from her posts she hadn't mentioned traveling or being on vacation, so I knew something terrible was wrong. Finally I asked in the diner a few days ago, and was informed via PM by another dear friend here about Jackie's condition. It's the most devastated I have felt since my second BBM viewing! And I feel so helpless in there is nothing I can do but pray to God of all creation that she be returned to good health. This news was so heartbreaking to hear about the one person who has given more of her soul than any other to this forum. We love you Jackie, and are praying for your return to our sanctuary.
Charlie
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Jackie,
My thoughts and hopes and prayers are with you.
Sandy
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I remember the picture - her baby shoes, painted by her father - that gave Jackie her forum name. And she has walked, hasn't she, into the lives and hearts of so many.
Her absence troubled me: I understood that only something very wrong would keep her away.
Thank you, Nellie, for letting us all know what kept her from these pages. It's only from these pages, because I know she will continue to hold everyone in her thoughts.
I hope we can shower her with evidence that the love she has given is returned.
-
So sorry about the news Big Sister Jackie...
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Your Little Brother's arms are hugging you tight, with love...
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jackie, the first face i saw when i set foot on texas ground two years ago when she and jan picked me up at the airport
jackie,my sweet sister who was there for me so many times, when i went trough a very hard time and there she was in the middle of my night when i couldn`t sleep to talk to me and pulled me trough it.
i`m glad i was able to talk to her trough webcam shortly before she was hospitalized,that i ahve heard her voice and seen her face one more time.
But miracles do happen,so why not for our ((((Jackie))))
hang in there lady :-*
thanks nelly and chuck!
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when Fritz PMd me with this news (2 days ago) I was speechless.......
I was really counting on meeting her in Oxford, she was one of the people who gave me the courage to go....And she was the one who told me that 'Miracles DO happen'
dear lovely sweet (((((((((((JacKie))))))))))))) like I did once, darling, also this time I'm trying to send you positive energy and all of my love
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What Dahlia said!
I've posted some thoughts on Jackie in her own thread, just some minutes ago.
And today is the second anniversary of my own BBM viewing. I vividly remember the emotional rollercoaster for me, that very day, and all subsequent days, and weeks, and months. I vividly remember the punch in my guts.
This movie has changed me profoundly. This forum has changed me even more. Meeting Jackie was one of the most wonderful experiences of this long BBM journey. I so wish I could have hugged her already in RL.
May God or whoever makes the important decisions make that possible and give her strength. May he or she take Jackie's pains away.
Here's to to two intensely beautiful Brokeback years for me,
and here are my most heartfelt wishes for Jackie's immediate well-being.
Ingmar
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Dear friends,
I've decided to share this e-mail with all of you here,this is the latest update from Jackie's daughter.
> Dear friends,
> Today we moved Mom to hospice at Stella Maris. She took a serious turn for the worse yesterday, she is in liver failure. There is no treatment for liver failure. We chose, based on her previously stated wishes, to stop care and move her here to hospice where there are no monitors, machines, needles, or catheters. She is right now in her room and resting comfortably, thanks to the efforts of my friend Dan who helped us get into this wonderful place.
> I believe everything worked out for the best. The chemotherapy treatment that she would have undergone had serious and debilitating side effects, and wasn't even expected to work very well. The chances of her improving with chemotherapy enough to surgically remove the tumor were distant at best, and now she doesn't have to go through all that.
> The liver failure causes her to be not mentally with it. She recognizes me and my brother, Mark, but generally speaks random nonsense. As much as I know her friends would love to call her, she really won't know who you are. She is comfortable, they are doing a great job of providing pain control. Two of her sisters are coming here Wednesday.
> I am so-so. I'm staying pretty strong right now, because it makes me feel better. The kids were pretty sad when I told them last night. They got to see her at Christmas when she was alert and fairly well, so they will have a good final memory of her. My au pair has been a lifesaver, as far as taking care of the kids so I could be with my mom and Bruce could still work. And my boss and colleagues at my job have gone above and beyond to cover my shifts, and I can't thank them enough.
> The big question now is: When? And the answer is: nobody can say. It could be tonight, it could be a few days, it could be a few weeks. My best guess as a doctor is a few to several days.
> I'm sorry to be so impersonal through email, but this allows me to get all the information to a large number of people. Feel free to forward this to others you think would be interested.
> Please do not call. I don't have the mental energy required for conversation at this point. I will check my email frequently and try to respond the best I can.
> FORUM FRIENDS: Please direct all questions and concerns to Nelly. I'll let her be the spokesperson, as Mom requested.
> Mom did not want a funeral, and she wanted to be cremated. Although there will be no religious or graveside services, my brother and I plan to have some kind of gathering shortly after where we can all get together and eat and drink, laugh and cry, and celebrate my mother's life. I will keep you updated on that.
>
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(((((((((((((((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
to everyone,
Nellie
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thank you, nellie, for sharing this e-mail. as sad as it is, i am very happy that she is so peaceful. may the passage be soft, and happy.
i know how sad we all are, how it feels like a piece of our hearts is ripped out and shred to pieces. it is because we love her so much. but putting her first (and i know we do that, because we love her so much!), this is much better than a long, painful struggle with a defeat at the end. let's cry, because that's what we won't be able to help, let's cry for us that we are losing her; but let's be happy for her, because she doesn't feel pain any more. i don't know what will be, but i hope she will be rewarded for all the wonderful things, for all the love she gave us.
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thank you, nellie, for sharing this e-mail. as sad as it is, i am very happy that she is so peaceful. may the passage be soft, and happy.
i know how sad we all are, how it feels like a piece of our hearts is ripped out and shred to pieces. it is because we love her so much. but putting her first (and i know we do that, because we love her so much!), this is much better than a long, painful struggle with a defeat at the end. let's cry, because that's what we won't be able to help, let's cry for us that we are losing her; but let's be happy for her, because she doesn't feel pain any more. i don't know what will be, but i hope she will be rewarded for all the wonderful things, for all the love she gave us.
AMEN.
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thank you, nellie, for sharing this e-mail. as sad as it is, i am very happy that she is so peaceful. may the passage be soft, and happy.
i know how sad we all are, how it feels like a piece of our hearts is ripped out and shred to pieces. it is because we love her so much. but putting her first (and i know we do that, because we love her so much!), this is much better than a long, painful struggle with a defeat at the end. let's cry, because that's what we won't be able to help, let's cry for us that we are losing her; but let's be happy for her, because she doesn't feel pain any more. i don't know what will be, but i hope she will be rewarded for all the wonderful things, for all the love she gave us.
Yes, amen...........
-
TWO YEARS TODAY
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Thank you Annie Proulx
Thank you Ang Lee
Thank you JG & HL
Thank you all my friends on the DCF
Thank you Jackie
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thank you, nellie, for sharing this e-mail. as sad as it is, i am very happy that she is so peaceful. may the passage be soft, and happy.
i know how sad we all are, how it feels like a piece of our hearts is ripped out and shred to pieces. it is because we love her so much. but putting her first (and i know we do that, because we love her so much!), this is much better than a long, painful struggle with a defeat at the end. let's cry, because that's what we won't be able to help, let's cry for us that we are losing her; but let's be happy for her, because she doesn't feel pain any more. i don't know what will be, but i hope she will be rewarded for all the wonderful things, for all the love she gave us.
Martina....this is so beautiful....thank you so much for saying this....she will be rewarded and she will continue to be our guardian angel.....
((hugs))
Nellie
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of course she will !!! otherwise i'll have a word with god or whoever is in charge up there !!!!
;D ;D ;D ;D
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OMG...please read this
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080122/ap_en_mo/obit_ledger
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OMG...please read this
http://www.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,1705928,00.html?xid=rss-topstories
We just found out about ten minutes ago in the Diner...
(((((Nellie)))))
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This is a very bad day, a very bad day.
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I'm so glad I had "Brokeback Mountain" tatooed over my heart. With day to day work and stress, buying my first home (and taking on a 30 year mortgage at 50 years old), working endlessly and still rescuing small herbivores, it would be SO easy to get distracted and forget. I think about Brokeback Mountain and how it affected me every single day.
When I saw that Heath had passed over the rainbow bridge, it was like losing an old dear friend. Farewell, Heath. Ennis will forever mark your place on this earth.
Debi
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I am beyond words... numb and yet aching immensely. The personification I so intimately connected with, Ennis, via his humble originator, Heath Ledger, is gone. Ennis was the mirror of my life. I detached myself from the movie with subtle reminders that the actors were completely dissimilar. They did not know the pain, struggle, or addictions that their characters knew. It isn't true. It never was. A young, talented star that we all heralded for both his artistry and for his depth of character (not to mention the social activism) is gone. He is gone. He is just... gone.
I've been taunted for 2 years by the notion that Ennis had to go on without Jack. How horrid that would be. Now, somewhere in my mind, they are somehow together. My secret hope and prayer is that all of the Enis's out there and all of the Heath's, if they are connected at all, will find true sources of happiness.
I just witnessed the news in a restaurant as it broke... and I watched the gourney go in and out. Someday, the gourney comes for us all. I hope and pray that each of has the courage to make our lives (and others better) and escape many (if not all) the societal and self imposed torments of this age.
Ennis, I swear...
Michael
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My dearest, darling Jackie, I am so thankful that you are without pain now, and in peace.
Thank you for everything.
I will always love you.
Your
Marc
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After W.H. Auden's Funeral Blues
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message She is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
She was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
-
Oh what sad days!
Having been away from home for a few weeks, and driving back yesterday, we heard on the car radio the news of Heath's death.
Arriving home at night, I just HAD to log on to the forum, to see what outpourings there would be from amongst us.
BUT: the first thing which I saw was Nellie's note about our dearest Jackie/Painted Shoes.
Jackie has been right HERE. FOR us, and WITH us, for sooooo long now; that the news of her grave illness hit me so much more than did the news of Heath's loss.
Then this morning (my time) I logged on to read all that I have missed, to see instead, the headline that Jackie had indeed passed away. How nice that her passing was peaceful. Probably the strongest wish which each of us would have for our own passing when the time comes!
FAREWELL dear Jackie! You were a valued and true friend to so many of us in here.
I have always placed Jackie and McNel/Nellie in the same forum "compartment" -- of being lovely, loving, welcoming, caring, sharing, giving, embracing, hugging .... . How lucky we are to still have our Nellie in here with us. And judging by posts over recent weeks, Dahlia is slotting into some of that "space" which is now vacant here. Thank you for your honest and thoughtful posts, Dahlia. Although I don't reply to them, I read them all, and am drawn close to you as a consequence. (And in a similar way I was drawn to your now departed friend Martin, from his honest answers and explanations in the Juicy thread).
Marc/AmIEnnis: I know that you and Jackie shared a very special relationship, and I send my thoughts to you too, in this loss, which I know that you will personally feel greatly.
Whilst we are each grieving in our own individual ways over both of these losses of Heath and Jackie, may it help us to KNOW that we have a constant memorial to Heath in his portrayal of our very special Ennis in Brokeback Mountain; and we have the wonderful memorials of each of Jackie's LOVING and CARING postings to this forum, to be a tribute to HER. May her family at some later time come to read all of her postings here, and to gain comfort from learning just how very special she is/was to so many of us in here. Also, may her by-lines be read and remembered by many.
Each of the above things, is another manifestation of how BBM has Affected me.
Best wishes everyone in the days ahead. JohnnyX.
(Still trying unsuccessfully to mend his own broken heart -- one year, 4 months, and 3 days later! grrrrr....)
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how much pain and joy brokeback brought to us...
when we first saw the movie, it brought pain, but also joy to see that we are not the only ones feeling pain of loss and lost opportunties.
then, it made us open ourselves up, which was painful, but we touched other human beings, and felt joy.
we forged friendships here, felt joy, and now it is time for pain and grief again, because we lost loved ones.
yin and yang - joy and pain, one never without the other....
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdavidalves.net%2Frobocode%2FYinYang.png&hash=ae4ac6dafb92efaa6618e23e7784980dcf6affd2)
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how much pain and joy brokeback brought to us...
when we first saw the movie, it brought pain, but also joy to see that we are not the only ones feeling pain of loss and lost opportunties.
then, it made us open ourselves up, which was painful, but we touched other human beings, and felt joy.
we forged friendships here, felt joy, and now it is time for pain and grief again, because we lost loved ones.
yin and yang - joy and pain, one never without the other....
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdavidalves.net%2Frobocode%2FYinYang.png&hash=ae4ac6dafb92efaa6618e23e7784980dcf6affd2)
{{{{martina}}}}
the experience of life in a nutshell. the truest thing spoken here, and elsewhere. well done.
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thank you, jack. :) :-*
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Well without Brokeback Mountain, I would not have had 2 years of this
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupdatecenter.britannica.com%2Feb%2Fimage%3FbinaryId%3D62595%26amp%3BrendTypeId%3D4&hash=8616224a4250134711eacc362dee12717a0d8dc1)
Kisses Robert Gregory! Happy Two Year Anniversary :-* ;D
Yogi
xxxxxx
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Congratulations Rob and Nick
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi62.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fh95%2Fnaxman_photos%2FBBM%2FYogiBooboo.jpg&hash=eac4c438ebe502d6c69c09ae55e8d46a9f1fef6d)
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how much pain and joy brokeback brought to us...
when we first saw the movie, it brought pain, but also joy to see that we are not the only ones feeling pain of loss and lost opportunties.
then, it made us open ourselves up, which was painful, but we touched other human beings, and felt joy.
we forged friendships here, felt joy, and now it is time for pain and grief again, because we lost loved ones.
yin and yang - joy and pain, one never without the other....
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdavidalves.net%2Frobocode%2FYinYang.png&hash=ae4ac6dafb92efaa6618e23e7784980dcf6affd2)
thank you (((((Martina)))))....... very well said
Congratulations (((((((((((((((((((((RobandNick)))))))))))))))))))))))) !!
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The title of this thread is "How Brokeback Affected Me."
With his tribute to Heath Ledger at the SAG awards, it's as if Daniel Day Lewis has joined this forum and posted to this thread!
-
I came in to work this morning, and the owner of the company forwarded me this email he received. He's gay, but I'm not sure he's a "Brokie". I've deleted the email addresses to protect the senders' privacy.
This is from long time friend Kenneth Cox in Stillwater, Ok. Kenneth, retired director of the theater department, and Joyce are both directors of college and community theater.
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Date: Jan 25, 2008 7:56 PM
Subject: Fw: A Soulful Talent: Cherishing Heath Ledger
To: "Harold (home) Spiegel"
From a variety of well-written reviews, quoted to me from a former student
now teaching in Wisconsin. Was anyone who saw the film not more than merely
"touched"? I managed to see it four times, each time after the first
looking from a deliberate angle--and was duly rewarded with each viewing. I
haven't seen a film since, and would choose to experience BB Mt. yet again
rather than seeing any other flick. Enjoy the good words that follow:
Dear Dr. Cox: When Brokeback Mountain first "came out," I was in Chicago
and saw it on Oak Street at the Esquire Theatre. It was one of the best
films I've ever seen in my life and Heath Ledger became an idol. I was so
deeply upset when I heard about his death because I felt that his character
in Brokeback had died, too. I know that sounds ridiculous, but having read
Proulx's novella as well, I feel like with Ledger's death, a part of my life
is over too. These were the excerpts I took from reviews of the film when
it came out:
From New York Magazine: "The movie tells us that when pure, strong love
gets tramped down and extinguished like a cigarette butt crushed under a
boot heel, the result is as immoral and deadly as getting shot in the back.
Jack and Ennis are doubly cursed. They can't be together, and they can't
abide by the code of honor to which men in Westerns aspire, because that
code doesn't allow for these particular emotions. If I'm making it sound as
though Brokeback Mountain is a downer, it's actually a serious piece of art
in which great joy can be taken in witnessing the small-miracle performances
of Ledger (so eloquent in his mute despair) and Gyllenhaal (so meticulously
agonized by his daily compromises). Ang Lee conveys maddening delirium
rendered in the way one man's eyes gaze at another's, and then look away,
and the looking-away amounts to the murder of two souls as surely as if they'd
drawn guns and hit each other in the heart."
From the Seattle Times:
"The emotional impact of "Brokeback Mountain" is all the more stunning for
its quietness. Little that's dramatic happens onscreen, and its central
image couldn't be more prosaic: two worn-soft western shirts, hanging
together. But Lee, a master of yearning, has created a classic and
heartbreaking love story that won't be easily forgotten. It stays with you
after you've seen it, like a haunting strain of music; both love song and
elegy for what might have been."
From the Denver Post: "When I first saw the love story of Ennis Del Mar and
Jack Twist at the Telluride Film Festival, I liked it. Mightily. But I was
not smitten. That was the first viewing. But with each vist to 'Brokeback
Mountain,' it becomes clearer: Lee has given us an impeccable, stirring
tour de force. We talk of love being the deepest value, but we seldom get
art that articulates how hard it can be to maintain that vulnerable belief.
Add to this pang the movie's undeniable romance with the Rocky Mountain
West, where life is hardscrabble in the plains and jaw-dropping in the
pines. . .As much as 'Brokeback' resonates with contemporary battles about
love and marriage, the film remains hushed like Ennis and loving like Jack.
And like these indelible cowboys, you, too, may find it impossible not to
succumb to the powerful, quiet greatness that is 'Brokeback Mountain.'"
From Rolling Stone: "Without dialogue, Lee creates a whole world that can
be read eloquently and movingly on the faces of the actors. And what actors.
Though the characters must age twenty years, Lee has cast the film young, a
risk that pays major dividends. Hathaway (The Princess Diaries) excels at
showing Lureen's journey from cutie-pie to hard case. And Williams (Dawson's
Creek) is a revelation, using what Proulx calls Alma's "misery voice" when
her husband goes fishing several times a year with Jack. Who can blame her?
They never bring home any fish. When Alma remarries and lets Ennis feel the
knife of her resentment, Williams lets it rip.
Of course, the movie would not work at all if the two lead actors didn't
deliver the goods. Gyllenhaal finds the reckless core in Jack, who cruises
alleys and bars in Mexico when Ennis rejects his offer to settle down and
run his father's ranch. Ennis lives in fear of coming out -- he relates a
harrowing childhood incident in which he saw a man tortured and killed for
the crime of living with another man. And so he forbids himself happiness
with the one person he has ever truly loved.
Ledger's magnificent performance is an acting miracle. He seems to tear it
from his insides. Ledger doesn't just know how Ennis moves, speaks and
listens; he knows how he breathes. To see him inhale the scent of a shirt
hanging in Jack's closet is to take measure of the pain of love lost. As
Jack told him once, "That ol' Brokeback got us good." That's the key
reason -- besides its daring, its bravery, its dead-on relevance to right
now -- that this classic in the making ranks high on the list of the year's
best movies. It gets you good."
From the Dallas Morning News: "The film is so intelligently directed,
acted, and written that even the briefest characters linger in your
consciousness. But all of Brokeback Mountain will stay with you."
From the Chicago Sun-Times: "The filmmakers have focused so intently and
with such feeling on Jack and Ennis that the movie is as observant as work
by Bergman."
From the New York Times: "'Brokeback Mountain' is not quite the period
piece that some would like to imagine. America's squeaky closet doors may
have swung open far enough for a gay rodeo circuit to flourish. But let's
not kid ourselves. In large segments of American society, especially in
sports and the military, those doors remain sealed. The murder of Matthew
Shepard, after all, took place in 'Brokeback' territory. Another recent
film, "Jarhead" (in which Mr. Gyllenhaal plays a marine), suggests how any
kind of male behavior perceived as soft and feminine within certain closed
male environments triggers abuse and violence and how that repression of
sexual energy is directly channeled into warfare.
Yet 'Brokeback Mountain' is ultimately not about sex (there is very little
of it in the film) but about love: love stumbled into, love thwarted, love
held sorrowfully in the heart.
Or, as Ms. Proulx writes, 'What Jack remembered and craved in a way he could
neither help nor understand was the time that distant summer on Brokeback
when Ennis had come up behind him and pulled him close, the silent embrace
satisfying some shared and sexless hunger.'
One tender moment's reprieve from loneliness can illuminate a life."
________________________________
> Subject: A Soulful Talent: Cherishing Heath Ledger
> Date: Wed, 23 Jan 2008 16:10:51 -0600
>
>
> I found this on MSN Entertainment and thought you might be interested in
> it.
>
> Click this link:
> http://movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx?news=294218 (http://movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx?news=294218)
_________________________________________________________________
--
Harold Spiegel
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Thank you Pat.
"....love stumbled upon".. there's a lot of that happening around this place.
-
"One tender moment's reprieve from loneliness can illuminate a life."
and sometimes that moment is ALL you get....
-
Well without Brokeback Mountain, I would not have had 2 years of this
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupdatecenter.britannica.com%2Feb%2Fimage%3FbinaryId%3D62595%26amp%3BrendTypeId%3D4&hash=8616224a4250134711eacc362dee12717a0d8dc1)
Kisses Robert Gregory! Happy Two Year Anniversary :-* ;D
Yogi
xxxxxx
Kisses back to you, Nicholas Fuller! I just found this!
I love you , Yogi!!!
{{{{{{{ :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* }}}}}}}
-
Well without Brokeback Mountain, I would not have had 2 years of this
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupdatecenter.britannica.com%2Feb%2Fimage%3FbinaryId%3D62595%26amp%3BrendTypeId%3D4&hash=8616224a4250134711eacc362dee12717a0d8dc1)
Kisses Robert Gregory! Happy Two Year Anniversary :-* ;D
Yogi
xxxxxx
Kisses back to you, Nicholas Fuller! I just found this!
I love you , Yogi!!!
{{{{{{{ :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* }}}}}}}
:)
-
2 years... 2 years since the whole world came crashing down. I can't tell where I am now... but I know then was an awakening. Hard to imagine that I didnt begin to live until then but it's true.
Michael
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I spent the last couple of hours watching Brokeback Mountain and writing to Jackie. Every time I had something in my head...serious or silly,I'd call her up. So what I've done to comfort myself is to start a journal,and every time I have the "need" to call her..I write away.
I haven't seen Brokeback Mountain in it's entirety...I've been going back and forth watching bits and pieces since it came out on DVD. One day I would say I"m gonna do it and always chicken out just as Ennis gets the bad news,walking out of the post office with "deceased" written all over his post card.
I felt so alone today..no one to talk to..before I had a chance to think things over I had already put the DVD in play status..and my journal on my lap. I started to write..."Hey girl" and as soon as the music started playing...the floodgates began. My anniversary was yesterday..2 years. This was my gift to myself....to cry my eyes out and begin healing,again.
This movie had new meaning to me...to see our Heath acting away..to see him crying as he was on his knees telling Jack how it was "his" fault he was like this....this is insane..I told myself..why am I doing this to myself?
God I hope Heath is happy in heaven,he has to be,he's with our Jackie.
I watched the whole movie..Jackie would be so proud. I felt her comforting me as she did so many times before. I couldn't believe this movie still has such an impact on me..so many meanings behind it all thru all stages of your life. Just as you thought you knew it all about this movie ..all of a sudden you begin to think about something else and say.."oh yeah"....now i think I "really" understand what Brad always told me ..."you have to watch this movie once in awhile to remind yourself why you're here,so you'll never forget..to remember the true meaning behind all this "...yeah Brad..you're right
This may be a new journey I'm beginning here....maybe it was meant to be to know Jackie only 2 years of her life and then be set free...for what?...I'm going to soon find out I guess...friends come and go,so they tell me....yep
Only time heals..and I know this movie is forever engraved in me..she is forever with me and the true meaning of this movie will forever be in my heart
Nellie
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((((Nellie))))
I watched a couple of selected scenes the other night. Somehow, though, I seriously doubt I'll ever watch the entire thing again. Ever.
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Awww honey, I wish I was there to give you a BIG hug........(((Glenn)))
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I felt so alone today..no one to talk to..before I had a chance to think things over I had already put the DVD in play status..and my journal on my lap. I started to write..."Hey girl" and as soon as the music started playing...the floodgates began. My anniversary was yesterday..2 years. This was my gift to myself....to cry my eyes out and begin healing,again.
(((((((Nellie))))))) I don't really know you that much, and don't have that many words to say....but I can't leave this pass.
You're not alone darling.....
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Hey Y'all,
It's been ages since I've posted. The forum was such a great way to understand the movie and how hard it hit. Now, I'm back trying to process Heath's death. I just wanted to say that today I was deeply touched by CellarDwellars sweet, sweet post to the Heathens. There is something very healing and comforting in your loving words to them. Peace y'all
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Nellie... You always manage to drop me to the floor with your great posts...
I have been work work and work this week, and to come here now and read what you did its wonderful... And hopefully one day you will share your journal with us...
I was not sure whether I would watch the film beginning to end again, but now it feels right... But oh to find the day to do it, when I can mourn and feel brave enough to sit here and watch it with Jackie and Heath by my side...
Love you more :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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Hello everybody!
My name is Andrea.
I stumbled into this Site/Forum a couple weeks ago and I’ve been trying to read as many posts as I can. It’s not easy because I have to steal time from my work but it’s certainly worth it. I’m quite behind, though. I even PDF-ed the Scene-By-Scene threads. Did you know that the “The Reunion” thread alone is 1,545 [printed] pages long?
I don’t know if I will ever dare posting any comment there because there are so many interesting observations than I fear anything I would say would sound silly.
But since this is a thread about the impact of Brokeback Mountain in our lives, I think I can’t get this one wrong. Can I?
This will sound stupid to you but until I found this site I had never thought there could be a forum devoted to this movie. Now I look back and ask myself why and the only answer I can come up with is that in some way this is the one movie nobody talks about.
I’ll explain myself:
I live in Chile, which is literally the end of the world. Now, don’t get me wrong, we have satellite TV, dishwashers and Starbucks. We don’t live in Middle Ages… kind of. And Brokeback Mountain actually did very well in the box office. And still, almost nobody proactively says they saw it. Most people I know only says if asked “Oh, yeah! I saw it. Good movie” End of conversation.
During Oscar season there was a lot of talk about BM on TV and in the newspapers. And yet, ordinary people just kept quiet.
Before referring to the movie I would like to say something about the Oscars that year. I’m pretty good predicting who is going to win in each category. I usually get over 80% right. I knew the boys and Michelle were not going to win. But Crash winning? I never saw that one coming.
I felt I had been punched right on the stomach. How could that be? What were they thinking? Crash might be a good movie but in a few years nobody (or very few people) is going to remember it. Does anybody quote a line from Crash? Moreover, has Crash shaken people the way BM did it? Has Crash literally changed the world? Did it make it a better place? It didn’t! But BM did all that and more.
I know, BM didn’t bring world peace or eliminated hunger but deep in my heart I know it touched many people’s lives and changed many people’s hearts. Maybe the same hearts of those who doesn’t admit that they saw it (that they own the DVD!) and that they loved it. I truly believe that nobody can see this movie and remain the same. It makes you think and look into yourself and question the true power and nature of love. It shows you that real love cannot be destroyed even if you fight hard not to feel it. It also shows how pure and beautiful real love is and that there is no way you can look into its face and say it’s wrong or dirty.
When the boys didn’t win I felt sad, of course, but I comforted myself thinking “Well, they are young and talented and they have their whole life ahead to win many Oscars”. Now I feel anger and sorrow because… well, you all know why. I’m still in denial and I won’t say more about it except that while I type this I’m crying. It’s the first time I have been able to cry about it since Jan. 22nd.
Now, the movie. I know it’s asuch cliché but watching BM really is an emotional rollercoster. I wonder how many people in this Forum have been able to watch it so many times. It breaks my heart and affects me so hard that I think I have been able to sit through the entire film just a couple of time. I do watch scenes separately but going through that journey with Enis and Jack (and Alma I must say) it’s way too painful. It tears me apart.
When I first read about this movie it was still in production or post-production (I don't recall). It was just a couple of lines saying something like “Ang Lee is directing a movie about two gay cowboys who fall in love staring Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal”. I thought, “what the…” I would be interested in watching anything directed by Ang Lee but at that moment it sounded very odd. Even if the plotline sounded interesting I must confess I didn’t trust the actors. Well, you must admit that A Knight’s Tale and The Day After Tomorrow are not precisely Oscar material. I had never been so happy to be wrong. Everybody was absolutely brilliant. Everything was brilliant: the screenplay, the photography, the music and any other aspect you can think of.
BM opened in Chile around the time of the Academy Awards ceremony so by then I had read many reviews saying it was a groundbreaking film; the actors were superb, etc. Also, a friend of mine who lives in NYC had told me it was excellent. So I thought I was prepared to see it but when I finally got there, it was like a wave had grabbed me and thrown me against the rocks. I had never seen (I still haven’t) another movie that shows so well and so intensely true love. A love that lasts despite time, distance, and obstacles and even despite the ones feeling it. It made me realize that that was the kind of love I would like to feel one day.
Brokeback Mountain got under my skin and I don’t think I will ever be able to pull it from there. Not that I want to.
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andrea,
let me be among the first to welcome you,as i just logged on and came here. you are so much in the right place. we will be here while you finally find a place to put this in your mind, your heart, and your life.
and true, when BBM and the boys got passed over by the academy awards, the ONLY consolation was that they clearly had it in them to be rewarded for something else, a long standing tradition for them. it didn't ease the pain for the homophobia most of us feel it exemplified, which is why we published our own full page ad in variety, and thus became a page in oscar history, as this had NEVER been done before.
it is amazing, after all this time to hear people have the same reactions to this film, and usually even more so to the short story. gut punched, that covers it for most.
you can read, now, at your own speed, our process of discovery and recovery, and of the friendships (and more) we have made along the way.
welcome, welcome, welcome...
jack
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Brokeback Mountain got under my skin and I don’t think I will ever be able to pull it from there. Not that I want to.
Hola Andrea!!! So nice to have you here.....And there is so much to share.....Keep reading and posting! xxxx
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;D Thanks for your warm welcome!!!
I hope I will be able to catch up with my Forum reading one day ;)
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Hey....catching up will be impossible I'm afraid.......(I never did) but nonetheless.....enjoy reading!
And feel free to jump right in the middle of any thread!
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I live in Chile, which is literally the end of the world. Now, don’t get me wrong, we have satellite TV, dishwashers and Starbucks. We don’t live in Middle Ages… kind of.
Brokeback Mountain got under my skin and I don’t think I will ever be able to pull it from there. Not that I want to.
Welcome Andreavera from someone who really does live at the end of the world compared to USA and Europe. What's more there is about 12 hours time difference which makes keeping up even harder, however you will find everyone welcoming, just read and post in areas which interest you most and yes we all have Brokeback under our skin and I do not think any of us want surgery to remove it.
Brian (Sydney,Australia)
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Brokeback Mountain got under my skin and I don’t think I will ever be able to pull it from there. Not that I want to.
Welcome to this wonderful place, Andrea! Enjoy the reading, and we look forward to hearing more from you! You will find so much of interest here, and many, many amazing people!
Brokeback is here to stay and is now a part of who I am...... I never want to change that. Welcome, again.
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okay, all my friends agree if I EVER were to post something, this would be it, and what with the past couple of weeks we need all the laughs we can get, so I hope I can contribute one…a couple of months ago I began seeing a shrink for the first time in my life to help me deal with some work-related issues. of course, much to my chagrin, we end up talking WAY too much about things not involving work. so I happen to mention bbm in passing one day and my therapist immediately puts her hand over her heart and shakes her head, ‘good god, what a movie,’ she says. ‘yuh-huh, I know,’ I say, making my way on to a work-related subject. skip ahead a coupla weeks and I mention that I usually pass the aero theatre on my daily runs – that I had seen the cast and crew at the screening there and how, with the two-year anniversary of the release, I’d found myself more than a bit haunted by the whole thing and not a clue as to why. i'd read so little on the forum, especially in those early days, but had spent hours upon hours catching up during the holidays. trying to explain this thing that happened to all of us to someone outside of the inner sanctum, not to mention someone with the power to have me committed, I timidly mention something about the website, how many people I’d met, how we all were unable to sleep, heard the music in our dreams…‘wasn’t it wild,’ she says, sitting on her feet the exact same way I’d remembered her doing the first time the subject came up, ‘how did ang lee do it? how did he manage to make something that affected so many people so strongly – something the whole thing was saying about love that’s never been said before – how’d he do it?’ a wee bit surprised, I say something about intense close-ups, more in the silences, blahblahblah before I change the subject to something that had happened in the office the day before.
so. the next week as I’m still attempting to stick to my work topic protocol, I mention real fastlike ‘Ipulledthecdoutandhavebeenlisteningtoitconstantlyinmycarandinmyhouseandinthetubandisn’tthatcrazytwoyearslater’ and she says, ‘okay, you’re once again making excuses for your so-called bizarre bbm behavior, trying in vain, you think, to explain it to me yet again – but here’s the thing – I get it. I OWN the movie. I’ve watched it countless times. in fact, it moved me so much I’ and her voice trailed off in a sea of garbled consonants. I’m like, ‘excuse me?’ and she goes, ‘it moved me so much I lskvfccppsrjlt.’ so I say real slowlike ‘it moved you so much you—
‘OKAY, I WROTE A POEM ABOUT IT, OKAY??’
yes. my therapist says this. I can’t believe it. ‘so, um,’ I say gingerly, ‘are you telling me my shrink’s a brokie?’
‘well,' she says, laughing, reaching for her tea, pulling another foot up under her fanny.
‘is this a good thing or a bad thing?,’ I say.
and that’s what happened. the wildest assed thing I have almost ever seen. we have our own shortcuts during our sessions now – the other day I was describing a moment from my life that was particularly hot and passionate and she says without skipping a beat, ‘JACK FUCKIN TWIST!’
so there you have it. although there are plenty of peculiar things about myself I still struggle to make her understand, the whole bb thing aint one of em.
oh, and even tho we knew it wasn’t exactly shrink/patient procedure, we broke the rules like so many of us have and she brought in the poem. i read it that night in the tub.
the shiz was fucking brilliant.
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great story <huge smile>
now can you give her the web address and get her over here?
and yeah, here we are, two years later, moving on, but never moving away, not really. and if we needed proof of that, heath gave it to us. there was only one place any of us could be. come to think of it, maybe the shrink needs to find us to properly mark his passing too.
see you in hollywood.
jack
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*Big sigh of relief*
If a shrink wrote a poem about it then I can't be crazy! ::) :D
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great story, welles. :)
I sure am glad you came to the Texas BBQ so I can really picture this situation. It is kind of Woody Allen- like.
See you in August for the BBM screening. :)
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so I say real slowlike ‘it moved you so much you—
‘OKAY, I WROTE A POEM ABOUT IT, OKAY??’
yes. my therapist says this. I can’t believe it. ‘so, um,’ I say gingerly, ‘are you telling me my shrink’s a brokie?’
‘well,' she says, laughing, reaching for her tea, pulling another foot up under her fanny.
‘is this a good thing or a bad thing?,’ I say.
and that’s what happened. the wildest assed thing I have almost ever seen. we have our own shortcuts during our sessions now – the other day I was describing a moment from my life that was particularly hot and passionate and she says without skipping a beat, ‘JACK FUCKIN TWIST!’
so there you have it. although there are plenty of peculiar things about myself I still struggle to make her understand, the whole bb thing aint one of em.
oh, and even tho we knew it wasn’t exactly shrink/patient procedure, we broke the rules like so many of us have and she brought in the poem. i read it that night in the tub.
the shiz was fucking brilliant.
What a great story welles. It is so wonderful to know so many people in all walks of life are affected by this story and movie.
Just goes to show you what a small world it really is, and what varied things bring us all together.
It never ceases to amaze me after all this time how we are all so interconnected in this big wide world.
Thanks so much for sharing your story.
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*Big sigh of relief*
If a shrink wrote a poem about it then I can't be crazy! ::) :D
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
What Chapeaugris just said...
Thank you Welles for posting.
:) :) :)
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okay, all my friends agree if I EVER were to post something, this would be it, and what with the past couple of weeks we need all the laughs we can get, so I hope I can contribute one…a couple of months ago I began seeing a shrink for the first time in my life to help me deal with some work-related issues. of course, much to my chagrin, we end up talking WAY too much about things not involving work. so I happen to mention bbm in passing one day and my therapist immediately puts her hand over her heart and shakes her head, ‘good god, what a movie,’ she says. ‘yuh-huh, I know,’ I say, making my way on to a work-related subject. skip ahead a coupla weeks and I mention that I usually pass the aero theatre on my daily runs – that I had seen the cast and crew at the screening there and how, with the two-year anniversary of the release, I’d found myself more than a bit haunted by the whole thing and not a clue as to why. i'd read so little on the forum, especially in those early days, but had spent hours upon hours catching up during the holidays. trying to explain this thing that happened to all of us to someone outside of the inner sanctum, not to mention someone with the power to have me committed, I timidly mention something about the website, how many people I’d met, how we all were unable to sleep, heard the music in our dreams…‘wasn’t it wild,’ she says, sitting on her feet the exact same way I’d remembered her doing the first time the subject came up, ‘how did ang lee do it? how did he manage to make something that affected so many people so strongly – something the whole thing was saying about love that’s never been said before – how’d he do it?’ a wee bit surprised, I say something about intense close-ups, more in the silences, blahblahblah before I change the subject to something that had happened in the office the day before.
so. the next week as I’m still attempting to stick to my work topic protocol, I mention real fastlike ‘Ipulledthecdoutandhavebeenlisteningtoitconstantlyinmycarandinmyhouseandinthetubandisn’tthatcrazytwoyearslater’ and she says, ‘okay, you’re once again making excuses for your so-called bizarre bbm behavior, trying in vain, you think, to explain it to me yet again – but here’s the thing – I get it. I OWN the movie. I’ve watched it countless times. in fact, it moved me so much I’ and her voice trailed off in a sea of garbled consonants. I’m like, ‘excuse me?’ and she goes, ‘it moved me so much I lskvfccppsrjlt.’ so I say real slowlike ‘it moved you so much you—
‘OKAY, I WROTE A POEM ABOUT IT, OKAY??’
yes. my therapist says this. I can’t believe it. ‘so, um,’ I say gingerly, ‘are you telling me my shrink’s a brokie?’
‘well,' she says, laughing, reaching for her tea, pulling another foot up under her fanny.
‘is this a good thing or a bad thing?,’ I say.
and that’s what happened. the wildest assed thing I have almost ever seen. we have our own shortcuts during our sessions now – the other day I was describing a moment from my life that was particularly hot and passionate and she says without skipping a beat, ‘JACK FUCKIN TWIST!’
so there you have it. although there are plenty of peculiar things about myself I still struggle to make her understand, the whole bb thing aint one of em.
oh, and even tho we knew it wasn’t exactly shrink/patient procedure, we broke the rules like so many of us have and she brought in the poem. i read it that night in the tub.
the shiz was fucking brilliant.
Great story ;D
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Bienvenida, Andreavera! ;)
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Thank you for posting that, welles! Great story!
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Great story, so well told - thanks for sharing it!
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Thanks for sharing that story, welles. :D Brokies are everywhere! (I like that nickname, "Brokie")
And thank you again for the welcome ;D
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okay, all my friends agree if I EVER were to post something, this would be it, and what with the past couple of weeks we need all the laughs we can get, so I hope I can contribute one…a couple of months ago I began seeing a shrink for the first time in my life to help me deal with some work-related issues. of course, much to my chagrin, we end up talking WAY too much about things not involving work. so I happen to mention bbm in passing one day and my therapist immediately puts her hand over her heart and shakes her head, ‘good god, what a movie,’ she says. ‘yuh-huh, I know,’ I say, making my way on to a work-related subject. skip ahead a coupla weeks and I mention that I usually pass the aero theatre on my daily runs – that I had seen the cast and crew at the screening there and how, with the two-year anniversary of the release, I’d found myself more than a bit haunted by the whole thing and not a clue as to why. i'd read so little on the forum, especially in those early days, but had spent hours upon hours catching up during the holidays. trying to explain this thing that happened to all of us to someone outside of the inner sanctum, not to mention someone with the power to have me committed, I timidly mention something about the website, how many people I’d met, how we all were unable to sleep, heard the music in our dreams…‘wasn’t it wild,’ she says, sitting on her feet the exact same way I’d remembered her doing the first time the subject came up, ‘how did ang lee do it? how did he manage to make something that affected so many people so strongly – something the whole thing was saying about love that’s never been said before – how’d he do it?’ a wee bit surprised, I say something about intense close-ups, more in the silences, blahblahblah before I change the subject to something that had happened in the office the day before.
so. the next week as I’m still attempting to stick to my work topic protocol, I mention real fastlike ‘Ipulledthecdoutandhavebeenlisteningtoitconstantlyinmycarandinmyhouseandinthetubandisn’tthatcrazytwoyearslater’ and she says, ‘okay, you’re once again making excuses for your so-called bizarre bbm behavior, trying in vain, you think, to explain it to me yet again – but here’s the thing – I get it. I OWN the movie. I’ve watched it countless times. in fact, it moved me so much I’ and her voice trailed off in a sea of garbled consonants. I’m like, ‘excuse me?’ and she goes, ‘it moved me so much I lskvfccppsrjlt.’ so I say real slowlike ‘it moved you so much you—
‘OKAY, I WROTE A POEM ABOUT IT, OKAY??’
yes. my therapist says this. I can’t believe it. ‘so, um,’ I say gingerly, ‘are you telling me my shrink’s a brokie?’
‘well,' she says, laughing, reaching for her tea, pulling another foot up under her fanny.
‘is this a good thing or a bad thing?,’ I say.
and that’s what happened. the wildest assed thing I have almost ever seen. we have our own shortcuts during our sessions now – the other day I was describing a moment from my life that was particularly hot and passionate and she says without skipping a beat, ‘JACK FUCKIN TWIST!’
so there you have it. although there are plenty of peculiar things about myself I still struggle to make her understand, the whole bb thing aint one of em.
oh, and even tho we knew it wasn’t exactly shrink/patient procedure, we broke the rules like so many of us have and she brought in the poem. i read it that night in the tub.
the shiz was fucking brilliant.
P that is a wonderful story... Amazing...
But not sure its the right thread, but I laughed extra loud at the emboldened sentence above, as in the UK fanny is not the name for the bottom but rather female genitalia...!!!!!!! - How good of you to notice... hehehehehehe
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Welles.......I loved your story....and God, how I needed to read something like this...thank you SOOOO much for sharing it with us.....((hugs))
Nellie
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Hello Friends -
This thread is one of my favorites, so I'll post this little story here, you'll see why.
24 January, I attended a wonderful concert.
It was billed as "Three Girls, and their Buddy" - Emmylou Harris, Shawn Colvin, (I just LOVE these two), Patti Griffin, and Buddy Miller (new favorites - I'm running out to buy Griffin's recordings). They sat in semi-circle on stage, and had an old timey jam session. Even tho it was a large venue, we felt as tho we were welcomed into Emmylou's living room. They were all quite comfortable in each other's company - obviously long time friends and neighbors in Nashville.
Each would take a turn, introducing the song to be sung - what influenced it, who it was written for or by - some whitty ad-libs sprinkled in. The others would join in as they wished, with guitar, percussion, harmonizing or all of the above. Great fun. Superlative musicianship.
Well at one point in the evening - (just two days since Heath's death), Colvin introduces a song, saying she was inspired to write it after being so deeply affected by the film, Brokeback Mountain, "and in memory of Heath Ledger, would like to sing it now". She had seen the movie "many, many times, and it was such a moving and beautiful love story - that it had gotten under her skin". She said a few other kind words, & launched into the song. It's title, I have not yet found. She may not have published it yet. It was beautiful, and I felt a great connection to her - and Heath - at that moment.
A song or two later, Emmylou also made a point to remember Heath. She spoke of what an obviously great talent he had been, and how saddened she was for his daughter and family. She chose a song by Lucinda Williams to sing in his memory. I tried desperately to drink in the moment, but failed to illicit a title for that song. It spoke of how fortunate we, the living are, and how we ache for the experiences the departed are cheated out of. I thought it very generous of her to illuminate the talents of two other artists, when she could have easily sung " A Love That Will Never Grow Old" , from the BBM soundtrack.
OK, so if that were'nt enough, Patti Griffin sang one of her own songs (no mention of Heath here) about a highshool classmate who was hounded for being effeminate, studious, bookish, and who ultimately took his own life. A sad & cautionary tale, that we have all heard or experienced before. Very touching, to say the least. She is a tiny lttle thing, but has a great big bluesy voice.
These are just a few examples from the performance. Most of the rest was on a much happier note. They performed for two & a half hours without intermission.
What made it all the more meaningful for me, was that I had my favorite guy by my side. We were on a double date with two friends of mine - a straight couple, whom I once fretted terribly about coming out to. Just another evening out with friends. No biggie. Two years ago, I'd have never believed i would be able to enjoy such an experience.
It is so good to finally be enjoying life more fully.
Thanks, Heath.
Jay
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It is so good to finally be enjoying life more fully.
... and good for you, ((((((Mike))))))
You go, guy ;)!
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what a great thing to hear jay. i bought emmylou's first cd -er - album, i guess, when i was just a kid. one of those folks who just keeps getting better with age.
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Thank you, Welles - your well-told story above inspired me to contribute mine. Hope you will have more to share.
Have you noticed how many great writers this forum has?
Emmylou's voice is as clear and pretty as it's ever been. She mentioned that she had just turned 60, and her 86 year old mother reminded her to wear a helmet while biking.
Marc - hugs to you too, Friend.
Jay
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Thank you for that story, Jay. I have loved Shawn Colvin's music for 20 years and now I have another reason to. I seldom meet people in my daily life who were as affected as I was by the film so I truly enjoy reading these anecdotes about other people. Maybe they don't get posted often because this thread is about How Brokeback Affected Me and the Audience and Friends thread isn't quite the right place. But I hope other people who have such stories to share will do it here.
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Hi all...
This is my 10,000th post. Don't know how that happened so fast...
When I first joined this forum back in the early days of January 2006 I was in a state of grief. Our Jack died on the screen for the first time for me a couple weeks prior. My first weeks here were spent trying to understand exactly what it was in this movie of ours that had affected me so strongly. Why was it that I couldn't stop thinking about it, why I had to see it over again each weekend, at least once, since it came out.
I finally realized that it was because Ennis was me. Heath knew me, and planted me square on the Big Screen. I was where Ennis was at the end of the movie. Alone and isolated in my tiny apartment, deep in a closet of confusion and self loathing. I was gay, had known for many, many years, but didn't have the nerve to accept that part of myself, couldn't dream of telling my closest friends, let alone anyone in my family.
Nearing the end of that January two years ago my father died. More grief. Two days later Nick_F (Trigger Hippy) and I exchanged private messages for the first time. Barely noticed each other in the threads prior. It was his response to my post concerning my fathers death that put us together. We've not gone by a day since without some sort of communication. Sometime in the future I will be moving to England where Nick lives, moving from my home in Puyallup, Washington, to become his husband. Before that can happen I have lots of things to accomplish here, lots of money to save. (Isn't easy when the cost of living raises continually and my pay barely moves...)
We've spent as much time as possible communicating each day through email, instant messages, cell phone texts, and Skype video chat. We've spent a good six weeks or so in personal contact, him traveling here to Washington, mostly, though we did meet at Linda's BBQ in Texas, and I spent a couple weeks in England in the autumn of 2006. At the end of this month Nick and I will be back together, this time at Linda's place just south of San Francisco.
A couple weeks back the world lost Heath Ledger and one of the friends of this forum, my "Big Sis" Jackie. I've been back in the grieving mode again, but with Nick and all of our friends here it's been a bit easier.
Time moves on, posts accumulate from the first to the ten-thousandth. Seems, though, at times, little else changes.
Soon, though, with fingers crossed my life and Nicky's life will change, permanently for the better, when we're really, really, together at a home we share over there in England.
Thanks for allowing us to be a part of this huge family of ours, and thanks for putting up with all these posts...
Hugs,
Rob
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Soon Rob............Soon!!
Love you Hubby#2
Wifeybird :-*
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Thanks for allowing us to be a part of this huge family of ours, and thanks for putting up with all these posts...
Grazie a te, fratellino!
(((((((((((Robert, little brother)))))))))))
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I love you too, Wifeybird!
:-* :-* :-*
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:)
(((((((DAHLIA)))))))
Thanks!
:-* :-* :-*
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The BBM family is so important to Rob (& me too).
I personally can't thank you all enough for the support for us both.
:-* :-* :-*
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Thanks for allowing us to be a part of this huge family of ours, and thanks for putting up with all these posts...
Hugs,
Rob
The BBM family is so important to Rob (& me too).
I personally can't thank you all enough for the support for us both.
:-* :-* :-*
It's not a matter of you thanking us, but of us thanking you for allowing us into your lives and being priviledged to call you both family and friend.
Love to you both.
Linda
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((((((((((((((((((((((Robburger))))))))))))))))))))))
I'm so happy to know you're here, and to know where you've come to in your life and love life,
thanks to the unique and incomparable BBM experience.
You're a wonderful friend.
Ingy xx
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(((((((((((((((((((Rob)))))))))))))))))
It is amazing how this film put us all together, isn't it?
I am keeping you and Nick in my thoughts, have been for quite sometime, for the day you will be together in England.
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Thanks for allowing us to be a part of this huge family of ours, and thanks for putting up with all these posts...
Hugs,
Rob
The BBM family is so important to Rob (& me too).
I personally can't thank you all enough for the support for us both.
:-* :-* :-*
It's not a matter of you thanking us, but of us thanking you for allowing us into your lives and being priviledged to call you both family and friend.
Love to you both.
Linda
Thanks sweetheart - remember you played a big role in our time here ...............never forgotten (even if I am lousy at communication at the moment).
Love to you Birthday girl
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Hi all...
When I first joined this forum back in the early days of January 2006 I was in a state of grief. Our Jack died on the screen for the first time for me a couple weeks prior. My first weeks here were spent trying to understand exactly what it was in this movie of ours that had affected me so strongly...
I finally realized that it was because Ennis was me. Heath knew me, and planted me square on the Big Screen. I was where Ennis was at the end of the movie. Alone and isolated in my tiny apartment, deep in a closet of confusion and self loathing. I was gay, had known for many, many years, but didn't have the nerve to accept that part of myself, couldn't dream of telling my closest friends, let alone anyone in my family...
Nearing the end of that January two years ago my father died. More grief. Two days later Nick_F (Trigger Hippy) and I exchanged private messages for the first time. Barely noticed each other in the threads prior. It was his response to my post concerning my fathers death that put us together. We've not gone by a day since without some sort of communication. Sometime in the future I will be moving to England where Nick lives, moving from my home in Puyallup, Washington, to become his husband...
Thanks for allowing us to be a part of this huge family of ours, and thanks for putting up with all these posts...
Hugs,
Rob
Oh! That was so absolutely hearthbreaking. :'( You almost made me cry which is totally inconvenient because I'm at work in this moment.
I have to say that I love your signature! First Jack, now Heath... exactly why is becoming more and more difficult for me to watch BM (or parts of it) every day. It's such a overwhelming experience.
There a word in Portuguese that has no exact translation in any other language: SAUDADE. It means sorrow, longing, heartbreaking, nostalgia, need... all at once! It express a very deep feeling. You don't feel "saudade" for your favorite lipstick color that was discontinued or the lady that used to work in the grocery store. You feel "saudade" for someone or somewhere you have loved deeply and you have lost.
I think that's what we feel... saudade.
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andreavera thanks for this beautiful word (saudade) which reminded me of the wonderful song by Cezaria Evora. :)
Especially devoted to the memory of our beloved Heath and Jackie. :'(
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A6p5hWpXCVw (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A6p5hWpXCVw)
I want to truly thank all of you, darling members of this loving and big family, for your existence and your presence here.
My warm wishes to Rob and Nick to accomplish the soonest their dream for a common happy future. Your story has moved me very much. You are so lucky to have each other, boys! :-*
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I'm so excited to have found this site! I watched Brokeback for the first time last Friday night and last night watched it for the 6th time. I'm glad I'm not the only one who is obsessed. It has been a life changing film for me from the first time. It has made me realize that I have taken for granted my relationship with my husband ...after all, so many people aren't able to be with the ones they love and the one I love is right here. This is a love story. The most tragic one I think I've ever seen.
The movie has also made me realize that I need to take a stand further and really try to make a difference in equal rights for everyone. Though I signed the first petition to legalize same sex marriage here in MA and marched on the statehouse more than a year ago when there were threats that it might end up as a ballot question, I'm still not as involved as I should be, feeling as strongly as I do about gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender rights. This movie has moved me to use my anger at the tragedy and injustice that so many people feel because our society does not accept them. I believe allowing the right for same sex marriage is a step in the right direction to force people to look at their prejudices and recognize what a crime it is to deny human beings basic rights. It is unfair that anyone should have to live in fear or shame because of who they are and who they love.
If same sex marriage were around in the time of Jack and Ennis, the story could have been different. Though I realize that so many people still go through the torment that these characters did, I hope that this movie has changed our society for the better.
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Welcome tuna....
There's lots here to enjoy. And you definitely have found the right place to discover all things Brokeback!
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Thanks! I've been looking around for a few days and decided to start here on this thread. When I tell people around me how the movie has been life changing for me, most don't understand, but I knew you guys would.
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TUNA...
not only will you fid a level of understanding here, you may come to understand yourself on a deeper level over time. that is what happened to most of us. the big question being, activism aside, what is it about each of us that lays us bare to this work, besides its consumate artistry.
have you read annie proulx's short novella yet? has that moved you as well? it is a very different take, and probably, for most even more heart wrenching.
see you around, hopefully for a long time to come.
jack
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Hey Jack,
I have read the book. I picked it up the other day along with the screenplay...just can't get enough. Would you recommend any of the other books related to it? I saw a couple here on this site.
Thank you,
Lori
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i defer to our "town librarian" and de facto arts and entertainment editor, michaelflanagansf, on this matter lori, and a lot depends on what aspects of the work you would like to follow up on. there is definitely a book thread, and even several editions of book club which have already occurred and will provide further grist for the mill.
in my experience as a reader, i have rarely come across so masterful a work so tightly crafted in six decades of reading.
jack
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Bienvenue Tuna/Lori! ;)
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Thanks! I've been looking around for a few days and decided to start here on this thread. When I tell people around me how the movie has been life changing for me, most don't understand, but I knew you guys would.
So good too see you here, Lori! I hope you will feel as welcome as I did when I first came here four months ago, when the film was new to me.
This forum is really a place were people understand, are willing to listen with open minds and hearts.
Welcome home!
(((((((( Hugs )))))))
Mia
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Welcome Lori!
Mia summed it up very well....... many people who will listen with open minds and hearts. That's what this place is all about.
(((Hugs)))
Sue
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Thank you all. You're all so welcoming.
I have never seen a movie that has impacted me like this one has. I almost never see a movie more than once and now I've seen this one 7 times and can't wait to see it again. What is it? I'm not sure if I'm trying to get even more out of it each time I see it, or what. Today I found myself teary just hearing the musical score. Feeling a little crazy here.
Lori
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You are not crazy........ It has been two years and I still tear up when I hear the music.........
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Thank you all. You're all so welcoming.
I have never seen a movie that has impacted me like this one has. I almost never see a movie more than once and now I've seen this one 7 times and can't wait to see it again. What is it? I'm not sure if I'm trying to get even more out of it each time I see it, or what. Today I found myself teary just hearing the musical score. Feeling a little crazy here.
Lori
Your reactions are pretty normal here Lori. You should go (if you haven't already) to the beginning of first thread of "How Brokeback Affected Me" which started late 2005 early 2006, when many of us came here feeling as you do, and tried to work out why we felt as we did, and read from the beginning.
you can find it here
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0
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I saw Brokeback Mountain for the first time exactly 2 years ago.
I'm still here.
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I saw Brokeback Mountain for the first time exactly 2 years ago.
I'm still here.
(((((((((((((((((((John))))))))))))))))))))
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I saw Brokeback Mountain for the first time exactly 2 years ago.
I'm still here.
Though you have certainly moved around a lot! ;)
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i think i may hold the forum record for moves ::) :-\
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I saw Brokeback Mountain for the first time exactly 2 years ago.
I'm still here.
Though you have certainly moved around a lot! ;)
That's for sure.
I'd still be in Michigan if I hadn't seen Brokeback Mountain.
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i think i may hold the forum record for moves ::) :-\
yes, but I hold the record for meltdowns.
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i think i may hold the forum record for moves ::) :-\
yes, but I hold the record for meltdowns.
double (((((((JOHN))))))) !
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(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi40.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fe218%2Fvanhalenroks%2Fbrokeback.jpg&hash=e8d1c14b5f9fbf0e1a274eb9dbdeaff6e535a674)
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Is there ever a time where you think to yourself,you just have to get away?....How?...Where?
Do you stop reading the paper or watch the news?...do you not answer the phone?
Some days I wish I was in a trailer like Ennis...is that worse?
So far this year has been the pits,I thought watching the movie again was going to put me at ease...allow myself to vent or,how shall I say...."make things better?"....well it didn't. I don't think I ever want to see Brokeback Mountain again
It seems there's going to be a time in your life where death is more frequent...your parents and aunts and uncles age..soon they will leave us....friends of theirs....but when death comes in surprises,sadness creeps in ...in all the wrong places...you turn the TV on....people killing themselves...and others
This past shooting we just had here in Illinois on our campus was a real shocker... the man who killed those people was a patient of my husbands...years ago when he was 16 he was in a program.needed to be medicated due to severe depression....my husband said he was a nice kid..they talked about everything together. He stopped taking his meds and my husband had to hospitalize him ....so many what if's...he may have stopped taking his meds again,that's what my husband thinks..and his mom just passed away this past year.....so sad what goes on in a person's mind. Now 5 people are dead and 15 wounded...what went wrong?
I don't know why I'm typing this here...don't know what my point is....I used to pick up the phone and call Jackie....but instead I'm venting in here...I hope you don't mind.....I haven't been myself lately..missing her terribly...I would watch Brokeback with her if I had the chance.....no one else...
I hope you are all finding some peace somewhere....I often think and wonder how you all are coping....where do you find the peace...when does it start...will it ever stop?
I'm rambling......trying to find some answers as I type away ,I guess....some people tell me there are no REAL answers...I find comfort reading everyones posts from certain threads...your insights on life is amazing to me ...maybe I'll find some answers in there...
((hugs))
Nellie
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Oh ((((((((((((((((((((Nellie))))))))))))))))))))))))
I wish I could offer advice as well and as wise as Jackie could. I wish I could talk to her, too.
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Do you stop reading the paper or watch the news?...do you not answer the phone?
Some days I wish I was in a trailer like Ennis...is that worse?
Yes Nellie. that's how I deal with things lately. I don't read the news. I saw the headlines about the shooting, but I didn't read the articles. There's too much craziness in the world and I have to ignore it. And last month I only saw a couple of news reports the day Heath died, and after that I didn't watch any tv. I spent all of my time here on the forum, so I don't have any real conception of how the rest of the world saw the story.
Death is part of this life and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. So what I try to do is concentrate on the living. It was more important for me to be here with everyone else in the past month.
Living in a trailer like Ennis? Yes, that would be worse. Trust me, I've been there.
And if you don't want to answer your phone, just remember that the phone works both ways.
Love ya!
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Nellie)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I have not been able to read the papers or watch news on TV for quite some time now, especially since Jan. 22nd. Have a bunch of papers from that week here, but still can't bring myself to read them..... Like John, I spent my time here with everyone else who was feeling the same way as I.
I wish I had some sage advice for you, but I can only offer hugs......... and a shoulder.
:-*
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Forgive me....I'm not trying to be silly or anything. But have you all heard about that dead spy satellite that is coming crashing down to earth? The Navy is going to try to shoot it out of the sky before it lands.
They say it weighs several tons and is about the size of a city bus or trailer. With all the crazy things going on in the world lately I just keep getting the image of this satellite falling somewhere, crushing innocent people. Just some huge thing coming out of the sky, randomly hitting the earth.
I don't exactly laugh at the notion - but - the sheer randomness of life never ceases to amaze and even amuse me. Strangely, it is how I cope with tragedy. When people die suddenly - like Heath did, or Jackie - it sort of makes me realize that ultimately we have little control over what happens to us. Like getting hit by a bus from the sky.
I've always asked God to grant me one wish - and I know it's arrogant to ask for such a thing - but I ask that, whenever my time is up - please take me quickly. No lingering departures. People ask why some of us die so young and others live to be 100. Well I tell myself that - in God's time, not mine - there's really no difference between one year and 100 years. Life is always short, no matter what your age when you die.
They say to live life today as if today will be your last. Well I guess, depending on how you define a day - every day is our last day!
I'm not trying to be flippant. But I think there's a bus coming out of the sky that's headed for me.
Meanwhile, as Annie Proulx might say: Play it as it lays.
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Is there ever a time where you think to yourself,you just have to get away?
No.
Do you stop reading the paper or watch the news?
Yes, about two years ago.
Some days I wish I was in a trailer like Ennis...is that worse?
Well, is that life better than what one may have now? If so, I say, yeah, go for the trailer.
So far this year has been the pits,I thought watching the movie again was going to put me at ease...allow myself to vent or,how shall I say...."make things better?"....well it didn't. I don't think I ever want to see Brokeback Mountain again
For some of us, Brokeback makes us feel good because we almost had what Ennis ended up with (nothing). We have something and we are damn glad. We, once Ennis', are Jack and Ennis operatin' our cow and calf operation. Yeah, it has its ups and downs, but so would have J and E's.
5 people are dead and 15 wounded...what went wrong?
Nildy, the flawed 'human' is what went wrong.
I used to pick up the phone and call Jackie....but instead I'm venting in here
I vent to Steve and I'm glad he is here to listen. Many aren't as lucky to have someone to 'vent' to much less one who loves and adores so.
Brokeback Mountain brought folks together and/or cemented relationships. Nick, Rob, Carol, Heidi, Terry, Mitch, and many more we don't know about. Brokeback Mountain lent a perspective to many of us already in a good place. It was the icing on the cake. To many, lonley and feeling without purpose, Brokeback was a commonality. All the fine folks like Jackie, who were so alone, and ended up with so many friends and so much to look forward to. The get togethers. The interaction after a hard day at work.
Is the glass half empty? No, Brokeback taught us that glass is half full. I'll drink to that.
Brad
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^^^^^^ Well said Brad
Sal ;D
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yes, actually, it was well said.
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very well said, Brad.
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I hope you are all finding some peace somewhere....I often think and wonder how you all are coping....where do you find the peace...when does it start...will it ever stop?
I'm rambling......trying to find some answers as I type away ,I guess....some people tell me there are no REAL answers...I find comfort reading everyones posts from certain threads...your insights on life is amazing to me ...maybe I'll find some answers in there...
((hugs))
Nellie
(((((((((((((((((((((( Nellie ))))))))))))))))))))))))
I hope you are finding some peace somewere.
I don't know if this will ever stop. I don't know at all. Seems it's just going on and life, all the things we meet in life just comes and goes. Grief and happiness and frustrations and days just being boring.... Oh, dear friend, sometimes it is too hard. It sure is.
I strongly believe that we all store some answers within, there are things we know. I try to listen to myself. And I take long walks in the forest and by the sea. For me that helps sometimes.
Take care. I am thinking of you!
:-* :-*
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I don't know why I'm typing this here...don't know what my point is....
Because this is a place to do it.
Because there always be someone who listens and understand.
Because we all went through something like this, or we wouldn't be here, still, after all this time.
Because there are things so hard to be spoken but here, even if what we can do is just typing, sometimes the message gets through, even if unspoken.
Because our lives are so much alike, as different as we can be.
And this, sometimes, can help.
Hugging you with all my strength. xxx
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Is the glass half empty? No, Brokeback taught us that glass is half full. I'll drink to that.
Brad
Yes, you're right,so true....I would definitely drink to that!
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Do you ever wish you never saw BBM at all??
I'm beginning to feel that I would have been better off. No, I'm sure of it.
So much sadness has been in me ever since that night I watched it alone, and it's almost a year now and I still can't get over it.
I know that BBM was just the trigger that brought the symptoms and that the disease was always there, but I'm pretty good at sticking my head in the ground, and I could have gone a long time without surfacing my sadness.
Not one freaking day goes by!! without spending hours on BBM related thoughts or this forum, or jake, or heath... I mean, if my lazy ass won't do something about my sadness then isn't it not worth the time?
Sorry if this does not make sense....
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it makes perfect sense, ayuni. i have the same feelings sometimes. about a year after watching bbm and getting involved in this place, i had a very hard time, when many things came up that i thought i had put in my past already. i thought i'd lose my mind, and was fighting a serious depression. but, as always in life, i found that the best things are born in pain, for i REALLY got over those things then.
still, sometimes, especially when there are problems and discordance in this forum, i can't stop the "WHY did i see this movie and WHY did i have to get involved here ?" question. but then i meet one of the special friends i made here and i know why.
if the sadness persists, maybe you want to start working on the problems that you found, the "disease", as you call it ? did you read all the posts where people told about their therapists and how positive they reacted when they mentioned bbm ? it would be worth giving it a shot... ;)
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thanks desertrat.
I did talk to my therapist way back then. She didn't see the movie though..
but then i meet one of the special friends i made here and i know why.
That's great, but being so far away and all, I'm afraid that it can't be that way for me.
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hmmm..you are right. israel is a bit far away for a weekend trip ;D how is it with flights to the UK ? the oxford gathering in june is going to be quite an event....
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thanks, technically I wouldn't have a problem getting there.
The probelm is, explaining it to my husband ;) ;D
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thanks, technically I wouldn't have a problem getting there.
The probelm is, explaining it to my husband ;) ;D
take him along. that's what i did. he's made great friends and sometimes i think he's even more popular than i am :D
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thanks, technically I wouldn't have a problem getting there.
The probelm is, explaining it to my husband ;) ;D
take him along. that's what i did. he's made great friends and sometimes i think he's even more popular than i am :D
Yeah I wish..
He's not really hmmmm.. opened minded I'm afraid to say. Maybe even a bit homophobic
I mean, he knows I saw the movie, (he didn't see it) he witnessed what it did to me for a month afterwards, but he doesn't know about the forum or that " it's " still with me.
I'm sure you all will have a fabulous time!
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we'll be thinking of you, ayuni. ((((((ayuni)))))
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[Yeah I wish..
He's not really hmmmm.. opened minded I'm afraid to say. Maybe even a bit homophobic
I mean, he knows I saw the movie, (he didn't see it) he witnessed what it did to me for a month afterwards, but he doesn't know about the forum or that " it's " still with me.
I'm sure you all will have a fabulous time!
I know it's not easy, Ayuni but I really think you should talk to him about this.
I think it isn't easy at all for a man born and raised to be straight, without the slightest doubt or hesitation (as my own husband is, as I think your husband is) to come to terms with the 'world' and experience and psycology of homosexuality.
But this whole matter is so important to you (I believe) and so maybe you should try to share it a little bit. My 2cents! :-*
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thanks (((Dahlia and Desertrat)))
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Yeah I wish..
He's not really hmmmm.. opened minded I'm afraid to say. Maybe even a bit homophobic
I mean, he knows I saw the movie, (he didn't see it) he witnessed what it did to me for a month afterwards, but he doesn't know about the forum or that " it's " still with me.
I'm sure you all will have a fabulous time!
Hi Ayuni
I am soooo with you on this one. I REALLY want to go to Oxford (I'm from the UK and only live 1 hour away...) but explaining it to my hubbie would be tricky to say the least.
He has refused to see BBM, but like your hubbie, also knew how it affected me. He also knows I go on this forum and read lots of fanfic (not sure he is entirely aware of the nature of some of it though!! ;))
He already thinks I am crazy for crying over Heath's death - although I am pregnant at the moment so can *explain* some of that to him as being hormonal (although I know damn well it wasn't!!)
I'm determined to go to Oxford for at least some of the weekend though, even if it's just for the BBM screening on sunday as I've never seen it at the cinema. I think that could be my best option for now....I'm working on it.
I'm not sure how I can get him to understand how BBM has affected me, or if I ever will. Something I'll have to come to terms with I guess.
Just wanted you to know that you're not alone! :)
Anna x
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Oh please do come to Oxford, Anna. We can have a sub-group called Women Whose Men Just Don't Get It. :D
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And also, men whose men just don't get it! :D
(btw, Earl is very understanding, but he's not crazy about the movie like we are!)
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Yeah I wish..
He's not really hmmmm.. opened minded I'm afraid to say. Maybe even a bit homophobic
I mean, he knows I saw the movie, (he didn't see it) he witnessed what it did to me for a month afterwards, but he doesn't know about the forum or that " it's " still with me.
I'm sure you all will have a fabulous time!
<snip>
I'm not sure how I can get him to understand how BBM has affected me, or if I ever will. Something I'll have to come to terms with I guess.
Just wanted you to know that you're not alone! :)
Anna x
Hi girls,
Yeah,I'm in that list of hubbies that don't get it....but after these past 2 years,I have to say he's given my peace. We've come a long way,I won't go into the details..let's just say it almost broke our marriage because I wouldn't just let it go...couldn't. So much has happened these past 2 years,our marriage has become stronger because of it and it made me aware of things that I was blinded of before...
He respects my judgment,knows I made a few friends in here,went on a few get togethers and had fights over them...just crazy..
I came to terms that he will never get it..he may never see the movie..may never meet my friends(although I'm trying to convince him to drive up to Wyoming in June ) He's actually thinking about it...that alone has excited me ,you just have no idea.. My husband is not homophobic ,he even worked with a guy that had a hugh crush on him...were good buds until he quit....it's just that he says this whole "Brokeback" thing is "my" thing...he doesn't want me rubbing it in his face...and even though it hurts at times...we're okay with this now...he gives me my peace and he has realized NOW that the changes I've made...the GOOD changes I've made are all because of this movie and the friends I have made here..
I really hope you girls have a chance to go to at least one gathering...it is SOOO worth it...you won't be sorry,and even if it causes an argument or two...I hope your husbands will understand that you have to do what you have to do...it's important to YOU and should respect it as so....
((hugs)) and good luck
Nellie
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Nellie, Chapeaugris and fritzkep - thanks for the replies and support (I know it wasn't just for me though...) It's great to know there are others out there who have the same issues with their partners.
I like the idea of the club Chapeaugris!! :)
I certainly wouldn't say my hubbie is homophobic either, I used to live next door to two fabulous gay guys and he got on with them really well. I think it's more that he doesn't do 'touchy feely girly' films and isn't interested unless there are explosions or car chases - he's playing a car crash computer game as I type! :D
Really hoping that I make it to Oxford to meet some of you guys - I've never actually spoken about BBM to anyone in real life - except you lot on here, so it would be great to have those chats in person!
Anna x
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this film really has affected me! big time
i can't stop thinking about and dreamng about it
ive finally got my DVD player back so im gonna watch it again tommorow
i know BBM has a had a big affect on me cos i never think about films over and over in my head weeks after ive watched them for the first time
and it really is one of those films i could watch over and over again! infact im thinking of getting a back up copy incase i ware the copy ive got now out!
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this film really has affected me! big time
i can't stop thinking about and dreamng about it
ive finally got my DVD player back so im gonna watch it again tommorow
i know BBM has a had a big affect on me cos i never think about films over and over in my head weeks after ive watched them for the first time
and it really is one of those films i could watch over and over again! infact im thinking of getting a back up copy incase i ware the copy ive got now out!
Me too Marz. I've *never* been so affected by a film.
I borrowed BBM from my mum back in September and watched it every night for a week. I even made myself late for some social events as I couldn't drag myself away from the DVD. That weekend I had to go away for a friend's birthday so I bought the Annie Proulx book on the friday so I would have Jack and Ennis to take away with me - couldn't bear to leave them for 2 whole days!!
Crazy behaviour I guess, but that's the impact of the movie. Once it gets to you then it's in your heart forever. That's what I believe anyway.
Anna x
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completly agree anna!
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Oh please do come to Oxford, Anna. We can have a sub-group called Women Whose Men Just Don't Get It. :D
oh yes Anna! Come. And why don't you, and Chapeaugris and anybody else - bring your husbands too? So they can meet mine and have a sub-group of Men Who Are Just Tired of Their Women Raving About this BBM Thing!
I'm speaking quite seriously, you know!
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oh yes Anna! Come. And why don't you, and Chapeaugris and anybody else - bring your husbands too? So they can meet mine and have a sub-group of Men Who Are Just Tired of Their Women Raving About this BBM Thing!
I'm speaking quite seriously, you know!
I'll tell my hubby about these plans! ;)
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this film really has affected me! big time
i can't stop thinking about and dreamng about it
ive finally got my DVD player back so im gonna watch it again tommorow
i know BBM has a had a big affect on me cos i never think about films over and over in my head weeks after ive watched them for the first time
and it really is one of those films i could watch over and over again! infact im thinking of getting a back up copy incase i ware the copy ive got now out!
OMG...lol...you are definitely one of us now.....we all have more than one copy of the movie...bwahahha...CHEERS!! ;D
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Yay! im offically one of you
you don't know how happy thats made me! ;D
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Well I have to say as someone who is 48 (and married 30 years this year) I find it odd that husbands (or significant others) wouldn't be interested in something that is very important to the ones they love.
I saw the movie in theaters with my sister in law and as I walked out that theater there was no doubt in my mind my husband would be seeing the movie. We actually tried to make it back to the theater, but ended up seeing it on pay per view in a hotel we stayed at. He enjoyed it, but didn't love it.
Then I bought it on DVD of course and had my boys watch it, again they thought it was okay, but didn't love it. They both thought it was a bit boring, but they did discuss it with me at length.
And that is all I ask, you can't make people you love love something just because you love it, but I can sure as heck ask them to at least give it a chance.
The movie is 2 hours long, there is 365 days in a year, lots of time to at least check it out.
My husband's favourite is Full Metal Jacket, not my favourite movie, but I have tried to show a real interest in it over the years because he loves it so much.
Same with the boys, if they say "MOM I really loved this film, you have to check it out" I always watch it and sometimes I like what they recommend and sometimes I don't.
Movies do change lives, they do affect people.
The AFI top 100 was on again last night and I watched it again. I was so moved by the clips of many of those movies. You can almost see your own life flash by in the montage of films.
Movies have always been important to me (and my family) so it is nothing new to us to be affected by a good movie. And in many ways many of them change your life and you are all the better for seeing them.
For me BB was one of those films.
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Well I have to say as someone who is 48 (and married 30 years this year) I find it odd that husbands (or significant others) wouldn't be interested in something that is very important to the ones they love.
Girl...I have no clue....but I do have to say this.
My husband and I shared many things over the years. We talked about our lives,our past(to some extent) and our dreams....only once did I see my husband cry....wait a minute,make that twice...once when we lost our daughter,and once when his mother died. He is a very emotional guy though, but like Ennis, he won't share his feelings.
Even though I was the only one who saw Brokeback, some how it's affected the way he reacts now. He has seen me cry over and over about things...something I never used to do...I've shared my feelings towards the movie and explained to him why it changed me...he understands. He's used his psychology shit on me trying to profile me in some way...if maybe there was another reason why I was affected by this movie...2 years ago he even argued that maybe I was gay and was trying to come out..but it was okay with him ,he would understand...jeesh...no,I explained to him...I am very much a straight gal...then he argued that maybe I wanted to have an affair and being so close to "gay" men , this was the safest way for me to be with someone without hurting anyone....I was floored..."No"...this wasn't the reason either.....
He has this "thing" with Brokeback Mountain.....I believe he is simply a bit jealous that I became "me" with the help of all of you..."he" wasn't the one who changed me....he feels threatened maybe?.....so therefore ,he won't watch the movie....but I also want to say that he doesn't like to cry in front of me...so many other movies we have seen that were sad,he'd walk away sniffing....little by little he is coming around and I'm hoping that soon enough he will see this movie with me....he knows it's important to me....but
It's just all around crazy....fear of what?....I can't make him do anything and I can't rub it in his face....he's come a long way,even as much as to express his feelings more to me...he doesn't even know it,but Brokeback changed him already...ha ha ha....through me!!
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My husband and I both tried and succeeded in sharing a lot of things in 31 years of marriage. A lot more at the beginning of our marriage, and less toward the end, but I think that was due to the fact that we were very comfortable in not sharing EVERYTHING at that point. We enjoyed our times together and apart. It worked for us.
Would he have seen the movie if I asked him? I doubt it. There were other similarly themed movies he expressed no interest in before, so I do doubt he would have watched this with me or for me. Do I think this is a bad thing? No I don't. I think it is important to feel confident enough in our relationship to know that it would have been ok.
Would I have reacted as strongly to BBM if he had still been alive? I truly do not know the answer to this. One thing I do know is that it changed my life profoundly. I found who I am at this stage in my life ans enabled me to make the changes I did not realize I needed at the time, but needed none the less. I also know that he sees that I have a happy life and is pleased and proud that this is who I am and where I need and want to be.
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Interesting, well you know Michelle he could be a bit jealous of the movie, who knows. My husband is fairly emotional (more so as he gets older) I mean I cry at commercials, so of course he is nothing like me. He did not tear up at BB, not at all. We did watch The Color Purple the other week and he got emotional at the end. So he can be affected by films. Heck I think it is good to open up your heart to a movie, don't be afraid to feel things and think things. I love movies that do much.
And I should have specified what works for US, not for everyone. For me to say to him "I love this film, will you please watch it with me" and for him to say NO, would be unheard of. But if that is how it works or would work in other relationships that is fine too. As long as everyone is happy!
And honestly we don't share everything, we actually have very different tastes, but we make an effort where each other are concerned and I don't know but I do think that is important in the long term. I still feel after 30 years that I can learn from him and he can learn from me. I think between us we make one pretty rounded out person! lol
Anyway I am on my way out with a few girls from work, so later gators!
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This week in the class I’m taking, we had to bring in items that represent what has shaped our philosophical perspectives in life. Among other things I brought in a copy of Brokeback Mountain and explained how the movie has had a significant impact on my life. After class I wondered if I should have mentioned the movie – because no one seemed to get it, I looked into kind yet blank faces that clearly didn’t understand how a movie could be among those things that have shaped my philosophy of life.
I learned very important lessons from the movie itself, lessons about love and prejudice, about the need to fit in, about regret, about hanging on. But mostly in a way I myself can’t understand, the movie ripped something down that was built up in my mind, something that I didn’t know was there, and thus the movie became very personal to me. For all that I loved and learned from Jack and Ennis, the movie was able to tap into this deeper place that reached beyond Jack and Ennis, a place that I had largely walled off, and opened it up. It’s been a painful, yet liberating process.
Since the movie, and primarily through this forum, I have come to see how narrow my perspective in life was. It’s like a veil has been opened and I can see so much more. I can appreciate so much more. I didn’t know how limited my view was until the movie circumvented my defensives, my prejudices and unlocked a door to a process that has literally changed the way I see and understand so many things.
I wouldn’t say that I’ve abandoned my pre-Brokeback beliefs, but they’ve broadened, been allowed to grow and have flourished; and so yes, in thinking about it, whether anyone understood it or not, Brokeback Mountain deserved to be mentioned among those things that have influenced the philosophies by which I now lead my life.
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(((((((Dawn)))))))...
It brought me out of the closet.
Not a moment goes by when I'm not somehow involved in thoughts of Ennis and Jack/Heath and Jake or of the people I've met and read here in this forum.
Nothing, truly, has affected me as much as Brokeback Mountain.
Rob
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I knew people here would understand - which is so comforting. I was a bit dismayed when I left class that night, I felt like people thought I was weird, well, probably I am, but that's OK. Things are what they are, and Brokeback DOES hold that significant place for me, even if we're the only once that can appreciate its power.
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dawn...
give it a week... or a month. someone in that class will come up to you and tell you it hit them that way too, either from seeing it before, or checking it out because of what you said. or maybe not.
in AA we often refer to planting a seed, which is what happens when the prospect isn't ready. if you have done your job well, you may never see the fruit, but the planting was no less successful.
jack
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Hey everyone, I just watched Brokeback Mountain again and I felt inclined to share how much it has meant to me.
I'm 17 years old, in high school, struggling with a loneliness I didn't think anyone could relate to. But I've been sitting at my computer for almost 2 hours now reading the posts on these forums and I realized how many other people feel the same way I do. Now I know I'm only 17 years old, but the suffering I've endured as a closeted, "straight" guy tortured me every day of my life. I don't fit the stereotype of a gay teen; I don't have a lisp, I play varsity sports, I have a good group of guy friends, and I suffer from a terrible lack of fashion sense. The thing is, I know that I am gay but feel like I can do nothing about it. And it doesn't help one bit that I'm in love with a friend of mine, that I feel is in a similar situation as myself, I feel like he's probably gay but is scared to come out. Every second of every day I wish I could just be with him, because when I'm with him I feel comfortable and happy. However, at the moment, I can't let him, or anyone else, know how I truly feel. So instead I live every second of every day alone with the dream of being comfortable with who I am and the hope that one day my friend could be there for me like I want.
That's where Brokeback came in. After watching the suffering that went on in that movie, it put everything into perspective. Ennis' suffering reminds me of my own. Now I know he does have it way worse: I know that if I did come out I wouldn't be killed, thrown out of my house, or ostracized completely. But he suffers because he's living a lie. He's married to his beautiful wife and he has two daughters, but they're not sources of happiness for him, they're things that keep him trapped in the lie that he is living. When Jack talks about them living in a ranch and spending every moment together, Ennis knows that that is what he wants. He just can't leave his old life behind. And even when that life begins to fall apart, when he divorces his wife, he can't put his love for Jack before his need to be inconspicuous and "normal."
I'm sure everyone knows how the plot in the movie went, sorry for that little retelling, but the point is that I'm living a lie too. I have a girlfriend that I have no true feelings for, and at the same time there's a boy that pervades my thoughts and dreams. I don't want to keep suffering like Ennis did. I'm sick of living like this; scared that somebody is going to find out I'm gay and make me face my homosexuality. Brokeback Mountain has made me want to be proactive. I'm not about to go to school wearing a rainbow sweatshirt and shouting that I'm Gay, nor am i going to go up to my friend and tell him I love him. But this is a big step for me. I accept this as a part of who I am. I may be gay but there's so much more to me than that. I have brown hair, brown eyes and two sisters. I'm a state-qualifying swimmer, varsity wide receiver. I love history class and I pride myself on being a compassionate friend and loving son. Oh, and I'm gay. It's just another one of the traits that defines me.
Who cares that I love a boy? Thanks to this movie I don't anymore.
Sorry for the horrible grammar, but this was a brain dump that I just had to let out. I appreciate these forums being here and letting me put my chaotic feelings into words.
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thanks guys for the warm words a page or so ago.
During a quiet chat over Saturday's lunch dishes, and decided to talk to him, my husband. We were talking about the Oscars and he said that he would like to see "there will be blood" and then I just said "you know that Movie that I told you about? it really is a masterpiece and you should see it."
"you mean that gay cowboy movie?"
"yeah" I said, "It really had an effect on many people"
"The question is" he said, remembering my moods right after seeing the movie, "what did you do with what you got from that movie?"
"Nothing" was my answer
:'(
I really changed nothing.
So, is all this heartache worth it?
(I was just thinkin outloud..)
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Hey everyone, I just watched Brokeback Mountain again and I felt inclined to share how much it has meant to me.
I'm 17 years old, in high school, struggling with a loneliness I didn't think anyone could relate to. But I've been sitting at my computer for almost 2 hours now reading the posts on these forums and I realized how many other people feel the same way I do. Now I know I'm only 17 years old, but the suffering I've endured as a closeted, "straight" guy tortured me every day of my life. I don't fit the stereotype of a gay teen; I don't have a lisp, I play varsity sports, I have a good group of guy friends, and I suffer from a terrible lack of fashion sense. The thing is, I know that I am gay but feel like I can do nothing about it. And it doesn't help one bit that I'm in love with a friend of mine, that I feel is in a similar situation as myself, I feel like he's probably gay but is scared to come out. Every second of every day I wish I could just be with him, because when I'm with him I feel comfortable and happy. However, at the moment, I can't let him, or anyone else, know how I truly feel. So instead I live every second of every day alone with the dream of being comfortable with who I am and the hope that one day my friend could be there for me like I want.
That's where Brokeback came in. After watching the suffering that went on in that movie, it put everything into perspective. Ennis' suffering reminds me of my own. Now I know he does have it way worse: I know that if I did come out I wouldn't be killed, thrown out of my house, or ostracized completely. But he suffers because he's living a lie. He's married to his beautiful wife and he has two daughters, but they're not sources of happiness for him, they're things that keep him trapped in the lie that he is living. When Jack talks about them living in a ranch and spending every moment together, Ennis knows that that is what he wants. He just can't leave his old life behind. And even when that life begins to fall apart, when he divorces his wife, he can't put his love for Jack before his need to be inconspicuous and "normal."
I'm sure everyone knows how the plot in the movie went, sorry for that little retelling, but the point is that I'm living a lie too. I have a girlfriend that I have no true feelings for, and at the same time there's a boy that pervades my thoughts and dreams. I don't want to keep suffering like Ennis did. I'm sick of living like this; scared that somebody is going to find out I'm gay and make me face my homosexuality. Brokeback Mountain has made me want to be proactive. I'm not about to go to school wearing a rainbow sweatshirt and shouting that I'm Gay, nor am i going to go up to my friend and tell him I love him. But this is a big step for me. I accept this as a part of who I am. I may be gay but there's so much more to me than that. I have brown hair, brown eyes and two sisters. I'm a state-qualifying swimmer, varsity wide receiver. I love history class and I pride myself on being a compassionate friend and loving son. Oh, and I'm gay. It's just another one of the traits that defines me.
Who cares that I love a boy? Thanks to this movie I don't anymore.
Sorry for the horrible grammar, but this was a brain dump that I just had to let out. I appreciate these forums being here and letting me put my chaotic feelings into words.
Welcome ATPav. I am so glad that you found this forum, mainly because it gave you some place to do your "brain dump."
I am almost 57 years old. We had no places to vent our frustrations back when I was 17. I had no Brokeback Mountain to jar me, or scare me, or inspire me. But I did know Ennis, because like Ennis, I've lived my life in a trailer (closet) and believe me, it never gets any roomier as the years go by.
I'm not going to tell you when to come out of your closet, or how to do it. It is a process that's undoubtedly different for everyone. But I will say this. I think you are going through the very first phase, and what could be the toughest phase - that of coming out to yourself. Because if you can't confront the truth about yourself there is no real hope. When Ennis and Jack said "I ain't queer" to one another we all knew that pain and suffering were ahead of them. So being honest with yourself, no matter how difficult that is, is step one.
The second thing I would say to you is that the longer you go on building a life that you know in your heart is not authentic, the harder it will be to ultimately give it up. I was not a star athlete in high school - far from it. But I was also not the stereotypical gay guy, either. I was a nerd and I hid behind my geekness. I was an honor student who was "too busy" for a real social life. And I grew up in a time and place, like Ennis and Jack, where I thought being openly gay was just impossible, that it would ruin my life. So I preserved my life, but at the cost of really living my life. If you know what I mean.
What if I found myself to be 17 again, but if I also knew what I know now - about what life would be like, going forward. The truth is, being a cautious person, I would first have to feel like I could be strong enough to face what will in fact be a life changing event, i.e., coming out of the closet. But I would also know that staying in the closet is really a life smothering event. So I would look for the right time and place to come out. Today there are many good organizations, e.g., PFFLAG (Parents Friends and Families of Lesbians and Gays) - who exist to help people deal with coming out. I would look for their website and call their 800 number and try to at least talk my situation over with them. There are similar groups - even in smaller towns - that have sprung up over the last few years. If nothing else, you will know that there are countless teen agers - even so-called "jocks" - who are struggling like you are.
The third thing I would do is to remind myself that I do not want to needlessly hurt anyone as a result of my situation. Not myself, and not anyone else. So I would be extremely cautious about getting too deeply involved in any intimate situations until I have sorted things out. Not with a girl friend, who doesn't deserve to be deceived, even if she seems willing. And not with a potential boyfriend, who, as you say, might also be gay, but you don't know that for sure. He may be at a totally different place than you are in the process of self knowledge, and might be frightened away if you confront him in any way with your feelings. But if, someday in the future, you come out to the whole world, you could then see how he reacts. That you have feelings for him is only normal for a 17 year old human being, gay or straight, coming to terms with what it feels like to want to be with another human being you care about. But in the mean time, coming out, or not coming out, is about you, and not about any one else.
That's about all I can think of right now, and I am sure there are others on this forum who can also share their thoughts with you.
But don't let yourself end up like Ennis. He didn't deserve it, and neither do you.
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Just wanted to welcome ATPav.....you've come to the right place,hon....I'm so glad you're discovering yourself...and you're accepting....some days are going to be very hard for you and some days things are going to fall right on your lap. Be true to yourself,always...YOU come first...don't let others control your way of thinking...my best to you sweetheart...we're here for you no matter what!!
((hugs))
Nellie
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thanks guys for the warm words a page or so ago.
During a quiet chat over Saturday's lunch dishes, and decided to talk to him, my husband. We were talking about the Oscars and he said that he would like to see "there will be blood" and then I just said "you know that Movie that I told you about? it really is a masterpiece and you should see it."
"you mean that gay cowboy movie?"
"yeah" I said, "It really had an effect on many people"
"The question is" he said, remembering my moods right after seeing the movie, "what did you do with what you got from that movie?"
"Nothing" was my answer
:'(
I really changed nothing.
So, is all this heartache worth it?
(I was just thinkin outloud..)
Heartache?.....yeah...it's all worth it
People in this Forum that know me better ,know that I'm back and forth...I say the same things...is it worth it?...should I crawl back in my trailer?...Hell no...
I've felt sad and deeply depressed after I saw the movie...old feelings I thought was gone forever came to surface again...old wounds reopened after I thought I was healed...I lived a fat lie,I played games with my own emotions.I compared myself only to Jack and never realized I was really an Ennis at times..I knew I wanted to change,to live my life but was way too comfortable with my old ways...but I took chances,my friends and family noticed a change,my husband accused me of not being the same person he married...blah blah blah....I changed jobs..well,I got fired...I sabotaged myself on purpose..but it was all good...
Little by little things will make sense to you...I mean,it's now what...2 years?...I finally feel like my life has a purpose..my husband,as bull-headed as he is,seems to finally accept me and I've opened up to him....YOU will change something...you will understand...just give it time..allow yourself to feel sad,to cry...to THINK..be honest to yourself and most importantly...be honest to your husband...my friend Jackie always told me.."Nellie,you HAVE to tell Brian how you feel,STOP repressing your feelings"....well...little by little I have...it's a wonderful life...I love again...I love my family and I love myself..and feel like I'm moving towards the right direction ...when I feel sad or want to feel sorry for myself...I won't feel guilty...just let it pass..
You're going to be okay....((hugs))
Nellie
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"The question is" he said, remembering my moods right after seeing the movie, "what did you do with what you got from that movie?"
"Nothing" was my answer
I really changed nothing.
i would say the handwriting is on the wall, if he and i and many people in here all wound up saying the same thing. time to quit bemoaning your lethargy, and act, if only to find a therapist or get treated for a possible significant depression. self awareness is nice, but it alone changes nothing.
jack
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Welcome (((((((((((((((((((((((((((ATPav)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Hi, folks, I'm dropping in here although like many I'm trying to figure out how to fit this forum in to a life filled with many other things, and thinking I should spend less time here. You folks have been important to me and many of the things I've been pondering are discussed in these pages - have we really changed? has some good come from this? how much of this do/can we share with husbands?
I have a hopeful report for you: a week ago I was talking with the one RL friend I've shared all this with. I said what some have said:''I don't know whether I've really changed in these two years". And do you know what she said? She said "But you have changed. You're more open, you take more risks, you''re more assertive". Wow. And as I think of it, it's all true. And so it can be with all of us.
Take care, all. You're in my heart, whether or not you're on my computer screen.
QH
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((((nellie and jack))))
thanks.
Did anyone here ever discuss physical reaction to BBM??
The weirdest thing happened last night:
I don't own a DVD of BBM, for my own good, you understand.
I rented it once or twice from the video shop, and it was on cable TV a couple times.
Anyway, last night it was on cable after midnight. I didn't plan to watch and went to bed much before it came on, but I woke up at exactly midnight and couldn't fall asleep until it was over....
I didn't watch, just laid in bed for two hours.... ::)
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Hey everyone, I just watched Brokeback Mountain again and I felt inclined to share how much it has meant to me.
I'm 17 years old, in high school, struggling with a loneliness I didn't think anyone could relate to. But I've been sitting at my computer for almost 2 hours now reading the posts on these forums and I realized how many other people feel the same way I do. Now I know I'm only 17 years old, but the suffering I've endured as a closeted, "straight" guy tortured me every day of my life. I don't fit the stereotype of a gay teen; I don't have a lisp, I play varsity sports, I have a good group of guy friends, and I suffer from a terrible lack of fashion sense. The thing is, I know that I am gay but feel like I can do nothing about it. And it doesn't help one bit that I'm in love with a friend of mine, that I feel is in a similar situation as myself, I feel like he's probably gay but is scared to come out. Every second of every day I wish I could just be with him, because when I'm with him I feel comfortable and happy. However, at the moment, I can't let him, or anyone else, know how I truly feel. So instead I live every second of every day alone with the dream of being comfortable with who I am and the hope that one day my friend could be there for me like I want.
That's where Brokeback came in. After watching the suffering that went on in that movie, it put everything into perspective. Ennis' suffering reminds me of my own. Now I know he does have it way worse: I know that if I did come out I wouldn't be killed, thrown out of my house, or ostracized completely. But he suffers because he's living a lie. He's married to his beautiful wife and he has two daughters, but they're not sources of happiness for him, they're things that keep him trapped in the lie that he is living. When Jack talks about them living in a ranch and spending every moment together, Ennis knows that that is what he wants. He just can't leave his old life behind. And even when that life begins to fall apart, when he divorces his wife, he can't put his love for Jack before his need to be inconspicuous and "normal."
I'm sure everyone knows how the plot in the movie went, sorry for that little retelling, but the point is that I'm living a lie too. I have a girlfriend that I have no true feelings for, and at the same time there's a boy that pervades my thoughts and dreams. I don't want to keep suffering like Ennis did. I'm sick of living like this; scared that somebody is going to find out I'm gay and make me face my homosexuality. Brokeback Mountain has made me want to be proactive. I'm not about to go to school wearing a rainbow sweatshirt and shouting that I'm Gay, nor am i going to go up to my friend and tell him I love him. But this is a big step for me. I accept this as a part of who I am. I may be gay but there's so much more to me than that. I have brown hair, brown eyes and two sisters. I'm a state-qualifying swimmer, varsity wide receiver. I love history class and I pride myself on being a compassionate friend and loving son. Oh, and I'm gay. It's just another one of the traits that defines me.
Who cares that I love a boy? Thanks to this movie I don't anymore.
Sorry for the horrible grammar, but this was a brain dump that I just had to let out. I appreciate these forums being here and letting me put my chaotic feelings into words.
Dear ATPav,
Coming here and sharing your feelings is a wonderfull thing. I wished I had had the opportunity to talk/write with people about the very same difficult time that I went through when I was 20....
You can read my story by clicking on my avatar and select last post there. In short: when was 20, my best friend (a boy in my class) and I had our first intimate contact. We both denied being gay, and spoke literally the same words as J&E in BBM. We kept our relationship hidden and tried to be straight, including having girl friends. I loved the boy, slept with him, but would not allow myself to admit loving him or to share this feeling with him. It took 2 years to come out to myself. At the very moment I realized that our affair was over. He was not as far as that, and it took some years before admitting that he might be bisexual. For me it was impossible to go on hiding. My life went on and I learned to live a life as a gay man. I am in a over 30 year happy relation now with my man.
When I saw BBM, my unprocessed past was thrown in my face. It was as if the process that I quickly finished in my twenties had to be done again, an now for good. It has to do with identity development, I think. I can imagine the effect that this movie had on you. As if a wound is opened, raw feelings that have to be dealt with. Happily, you have come out to yourself, that is very important. Between your lines I now see now that you see your homosexuality as one of your many traits (and oh yeah, I am gay). Which is not totally fair, I think. I have come to think of it as an essential part of my personality, influencing my functioning in all possible fields.
I agree with Graylocks that it is not fair to play the heterosexual friend for your girlfriend. She is entitled to have a loving relationship, which you cannot give. My advice would be to end it. And to be honest with yourself and with others. You say that you want to be proactive in this. The best thing to do (and a very difficult thing) is to be honest to other people about your homosexuality. That includes telling your girlfriend that you end your relationship because you are gay. You don't write about how your parents stand in this. Do they have a clue? Would it be very difficult to tell them? I think it would be best to tell them first before you tell friends and others. Otherwise they will hear it from others. When you start telling people (parents included), things will happen. You will get questions, remarks, etc. Not all positive, I guess. But you have to go through that now (or when you don't tell now: later). This is the prerequisite to find happiness. People talk about 'news' as this for some time, but they will get acquainted and forget. This is also one of the possible strategies to get closer to you friend. When he learns you are gay, he will react.
I wish you all the strength that you need in this crucial time in your life. Remember that all things, how bad they may seem, pass. This period will pass too, and later you will be happy that you started to change you life.
Art
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Welcome ((((((((((((((((((((ATPav))))))))))))))))))))))
I hope this forum will help you through this period of your life. You can certainly count on us to share your feelings and experiences (not only about BM).
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yes - welcome ATPav - thank you for sharing your feelings so eloquently, and Dawn - I am so used to that incomprehension you describe - but I have also been changed in a way I cannot put into plain words. Was joining this class in the first place part of the BBM effect? That's what I was wondering.
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Hi, folks, I'm dropping in here although like many I'm trying to figure out how to fit this forum in to a life filled with many other things, and thinking I should spend less time here. You folks have been important to me and many of the things I've been pondering are discussed in these pages - have we really changed? has some good come from this? how much of this do/can we share with husbands?
I have a hopeful report for you: a week ago I was talking with the one RL friend I've shared all this with. I said what some have said:''I don't know whether I've really changed in these two years". And do you know what she said? She said "But you have changed. You're more open, you take more risks, you''re more assertive". Wow. And as I think of it, it's all true. And so it can be with all of us.
Take care, all. You're in my heart, whether or not you're on my computer screen.
QH
hello QH - that's good to hear, and I'm sure it's true. Like you I have had almost no time for the forum recently - but I know it's there! And does not seem likely to vanish any time soon, so now you know you have a home whenever you need it ;)
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ayuni, what did BBM change for us ? well, for some, it changed the world. for others, it changed some things, and for some others, it changed nothing. it didn't change anything for me. i'm in a loving relationship. it might be that i apprechiate it even more, but i'm not sure about that (i always apprechiated it a lot, my partner is the part of my universe that was missing in my heart.). i met a bunch of nice people and made new friends. that's defintely worth it. and in the last year, i finally realized that i have bisexual feelings. well, that's nice to know, but it doesn't change anything about my life, since i'm in a relationship that i would never give up or jeopardize. so, what changed for me ? nothing. yet, this movie has become an important part of my life and i would never want to miss it. it doesn't need big changes and impressive stories - it's enough that it was important for YOU.
ATPav, i think you are in the right place here. here are so many gay men of all ages and with so many different life stories - i'm sure they can provide help and guidance or just the examples of how they lived their life. they are an incredible source of wisdom and experience. welcome !
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I don't own a DVD of BBM, for my own good, you understand.
No, I don't! You want to have a copy of your own. Go out and buy one! Today!
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Who cares that I love a boy?
I do. Love is a gift. It is a wonderful thing.
Come back here again, talk about it, or talk about whatever. :)
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Hey everyone, I just watched Brokeback Mountain again and I felt inclined to share how much it has meant to me.
I don't fit the stereotype of a gay teen; I don't have a lisp, I play varsity sports, I have a good group of guy friends, and I suffer from a terrible lack of fashion sense. The thing is, I know that I am gay but feel like I can do nothing about it.
Maybe your not gay. Perhaps you are just a regular guy who happens to like guys. Gay has a bunch of baggage that goes with it, and we can look into a mirror and say, "that's not me." Perhaps the only thing you have in common with the typical gay teen is that you like guys. It's okay. You don't need to fit into what most think gays are. This is the very root and message of Brokeback Mountain. Jack and Ennis didn't fit. The lesson learned is we don't necessarily need to fit. Toss the word gay. Replace it with 'I'm just me'.
And it doesn't help one bit that I'm in love with a friend of mine, that I feel is in a similar situation as myself, I feel like he's probably gay but is scared to come out. Every second of every day I wish I could just be with him, because when I'm with him I feel comfortable and happy. However, at the moment, I can't let him, or anyone else, know how I truly feel. So instead I live every second of every day alone with the dream of being comfortable with who I am and the hope that one day my friend could be there for me like I want.
I was there once. He and I went seperate ways. We both married. I saw the light and through hell and high water I ended up happily partnered with a man very much like me. He remained married and became a father, but I know there isn't a day he doesn't think about us. That is what J & E experienced. They--and we--fell in love.
I know that if I did come out I wouldn't be killed, thrown out of my house, or ostracized completely.
There are many that can't shake the fact that society is so much more tolerant today. For some, the perpetuation of rampant hate and homophobia serves some sort of inner need. Yeah, there was a time, but not now. You know this based on your statement. Most people simply don't care. If you're a good person, the rest doesn't matter.
But he suffers because he's living a lie. He's married to his beautiful wife and he has two daughters, but they're not sources of happiness for him, they're things that keep him trapped in the lie that he is living. When Jack talks about them living in a ranch and spending every moment together, Ennis knows that that is what he wants. He just can't leave his old life behind. And even when that life begins to fall apart, when he divorces his wife, he can't put his love for Jack before his need to be inconspicuous and "normal."
Yep, and many men fall into this trapping today. Outward, it is easy living 'normal' and inconspicuous. Busy oneself with golf, cars, boats and raising kids. Internally it is a living hell.
I have a girlfriend that I have no true feelings for, and at the same time there's a boy that pervades my thoughts and dreams. I don't want to keep suffering like Ennis did.
My mistake was I married my girlfriend. It was what guys like me were suppose to do. I didn't have Brokeback or a predominantly tolerant and accepting society. The result was heartache and pain for her and regret and a certain amount of self hate for myself. Luckily, I figured all this out, but not without damage done.
I'm sick of living like this; scared that somebody is going to find out I'm gay and make me face my homosexuality.
No one, once they find out, will make you face anything. You've got all the cards here. One thing to think about--just because you like guys (are a homo) doesn't mean you must have anything in common with the stereotypical gay man. Enjoy competative sports. The male bonding that comes from that is far beyond what most gay guys have ever experienced. There doesn't need to be a sexual component when loving to be around men. Jack and Ennis were comfortable with each other. Doing the things guys love to do. The initial drunken sex was secondary. They, unlike most bar hook ups and one night stands, got to know each other. They were in each others thoughts and dreams way before they did the deed. Based on what you know, you are more than capable to face your own homosexuality. No one needs to find out you are gay. Gay is a way. Fabulous this and that. Voting a certain way. A certain behavior. For some, it is discharging most of what it is to be a man. If you're not there, don't feel you need to go there to be accepted. Your family and friends will probably be more comfortable if you are you and the only difference between you and them is that you like the same sex (guys). I learned this through my experience.
Brokeback Mountain has made me want to be proactive. I'm not about to go to school wearing a rainbow sweatshirt and shouting that I'm Gay, nor am i going to go up to my friend and tell him I love him. But this is a big step for me. I accept this as a part of who I am. I may be gay but there's so much more to me than that. I have brown hair, brown eyes and two sisters. I'm a state-qualifying swimmer, varsity wide receiver. I love history class and I pride myself on being a compassionate friend and loving son. Oh, and I'm gay. It's just another one of the traits that defines me.
And you just made my point. Being proactive isn't about activism or in your face anything. No amount of activism is going to change the entrenched religious right. It is about internally being proactive about yourself.
Now go get that which you so richly deserve.
Brad
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Great reply Brad!!!
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I liked your post very much, Brad.
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as a gay man who fits very few "stereotypes" i prefer to take strong exception to brad's characterization of what it means to be gay. it may be his, and it may be that of his milieu, but it is not everyone's. i do however like figure skating competitions. i also like ufc and aussie rules football.
let's not not add to the weight of negative conotation the word has accrued by buying into it, and thereby making it the new "nigger". many of us are out and proud and gay... with a capital GAY.
JACK
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i also like ufc and aussie rules football.
Jack - I must agree with you in that I, too, like to watch Aussie rules football. But I must clarify - I like the Aussies who compete in Aussie Rules football. The frickin game means nothing to me - I can't really follow it.
But all those thighs! Wow.
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ATPav,
I read your post and it sent shivers throughout my body and gave me flashbacks to my high school years. I, like many here, have walked miles in your shoes.
Without replaying history, trace back to my early postings if you like, I was deeply in love with my best friend in high school but I never could admit to myself who I was, or what I needed or wanted... to be happy. All this guilt was primarily due to the mind-numbing religious exposure I endured as a child and the knowledge that I indeed would be risking my life - sadly. You have many more options open to you today, use'm.
I also read Brad's posting... so re-read it as he is offering very good points to consider.
Brad and I have compared parts of our lives and our major difference is he went out one door and I the other. He woke up and realized he could not keep living "that lie" whereas I waited far too long to unlock that door..and not a day passes that I do not regret my lack of courage to follow the truth. You see, like Brad, I too married a wonderful woman and I thought I could be happy, except I went further and thought that if we had the house, then the kids, then I'll be happy, ... and now what I have is family responsibilities and that "internal living hell" he referred to. I have created a no-win situation for everyone - especially me - but at this point, I simply cannot walk away from my responsibilities. I have a family to support, a kid to put thru college, the mortgage, ....and there's no real way out without creating devastating waves that would crush my family more than me.... hence one of the most stinging quotes from the film for me.
"If you can't fix it, Jack, you gotta stand it."
Did or do i consider myself "gay" - nope I really do not fit that typing either - hence and Brad said it best..."Perhaps you are just a regular guy who happens to like guys. Gay has a bunch of baggage that goes with it, and we can look into a mirror and say, "that's not me." Perhaps the only thing you have in common with the typical gay teen is that you like guys. It's okay. You don't need to fit into what most think gays are. This is the very root and message of Brokeback Mountain. Jack and Ennis didn't fit. The lesson learned is we don't necessarily need to fit. Toss the word gay. Replace it with 'I'm just me'. "
As I reflect on my life now, there are so many things I'd change if I could go back - starting with accepting myself and learning to live with all my feelings. Like you, I knew I had feelings for guys very early in my childhood - so at some point I knew I was different from most but was paralyzed by fear - that same fear that tragically separated Jack and Ennis. Don't let it happen you - you can change your path - you have time.
You have to make the right choices for you - not what your parents want, not what your grandparents want, not what your friends or society wants, but again what you want and that's part of BBM showed me and the world.
Later, Vincent
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let's not not add to the weight of negative conotation the word has accrued by buying into it, and thereby making it the new "nigger". many of us are out and proud and gay... with a capital GAY.
JACK
Hear, hear, Jack. What else am I suppose to say? "I am a homo or I am a poof" No way. And yes I do not fit the stereotypes either. However as an Aussie, I have no idea of how Aussie Rules is played. Living in a Rugby area I was brought up to call it aerial ping pong ;D
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While I wish to stay within topic "How Brokeback Affected Me-The Impact on Society and Ourselves", I will clarify a few points brought up, which don't have anything to do with my response to ATPav's post:
-It's not a goal for many homo men to be out and proud. They just wanna be themselves. Kinda like Jack and Ennis. I don't have a problem with those that want to be very visible--march and such. It's just that there are so many guys like ATP and many that have surfaced through this forum that don't fit into that gay mold. They don't wanna stand up and be focused on and be proud about being gay. They don't wanna be defined by the term gay.
-While I discharge the current GAY community, I don't have a problem with the individual. If a person is good, (and I really don't give a flyin' F if he swishes or lisps) he/she will be my friend. I won't and don't look down on that person, bully that person, or think anything less of that person, but also I won't be physicaly/sexually attracted, but I will respect him/her for being a good person.
My goal isn't to focus on those that are out and proud. Good for them (you). It's to grab ahold of guys like Vincent and ATPav (and Jack and Ennis) and let them know they can be like they are. They don't need to change. It's okay.
-One can like to watch the tight thighs of UFC and Rugby, but there are those that look beyond that and want to play and compete in the sport.........
Brad
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let's not not add to the weight of negative conotation the word has accrued by buying into it, and thereby making it the new "nigger". many of us are out and proud and gay... with a capital GAY.
JACK
Hear, hear, Jack. What else am I suppose to say? "I am a homo or I am a poof" No way. And yes I do not fit the stereotypes either. However as an Aussie, I have no idea of how Aussie Rules is played. Living in a Rugby area I was brought up to call it aerial ping pong ;D
i have a passing acquaintance with ian roberts as well... in my dreams >:D
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While I wish to stay within topic "How Brokeback Affected Me-The Impact on Society and Ourselves", I will clarify a few points brought up, which don't have anything to do with my response to ATPav's post:
-It's not a goal for many homo men to be out and proud. They just wanna be themselves. Kinda like Jack and Ennis. I don't have a problem with those that want to be very visible--march and such. It's just that there are so many guys like ATP and many that have surfaced through this forum that don't fit into that gay mold. They don't wanna stand up and be focused on and be proud about being gay. They don't wanna be defined by the term gay.
-While I discharge the current GAY community, I don't have a problem with the individual. If a person is good, (and I really don't give a flyin' F if he swishes or lisps) he/she will be my friend. I won't and don't look down on that person, bully that person, or think anything less of that person, but also I won't be physicaly/sexually attracted, but I will respect him/her for being a good person.
My goal isn't to focus on those that are out and proud. Good for them (you). It's to grab ahold of guys like Vincent and ATPav (and Jack and Ennis) and let them know they can be like they are. They don't need to change. It's okay.
-One can like to watch the tight thighs of UFC and Rugby, but there are those that look beyond that and want to play and compete in the sport.........
Brad
I agree partly with you, Brad. Those guys out and proud parading and such have (had) their use for our cause (liberation of male-male love/relationships, usually referred to as gay or homo, those words don't have a negative connotation for me). I think they contributed to the visibility of our cause, but not more than that. I.m.o. those guys who live their life as a gay man in the open, without hiding feelings, loves, relationships and who are honest to everyone (and theirselves) about their homosexuality (I mean who have a way of letting others know without provocation), those guys really contribute to societies' understanding and acceptation. You are right, it is about people and they can be good or bad, or somewhere in between. And who are we to judge others. We know what it is to be discriminated for a reason that you can't do anything about (except hide it and be unhappy).
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One doesn't have to march. It is Mardi Gras in Sydney tonight celebrating the 30th Mardi gras and the last time I went to watch was the 20th. As a 63 year old, I can no longer face standing for hours in crowds. Do not remember when I last marched, probably more than 15 years ago. However, being my age, I grew up when one hid one's sexuality. It was a great relief to finally be 'Out and proud'. I now mainly socialise with people who are retired, older than me, and often not professional, educated types with whom I use to work and mix. Regularly I have to face some of the older men referring to fairies, making limp wrists etc. What else can I say but "I am gay" to let them know that there are other types than their stereotype. It is a bit of a mouthful and pretentious to say "I am a homosexual".
And to keep on topic. Having seen Brokeback has made me more determined to let them know where I stand, though it is much easier with the women.
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Isn't it interesting how some of the people who understood and appreciated Brokeback the least were gay themselves?
http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/film/2008/02/what_makes_a_gay_classic.html
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It is interesting that the film seemed to have had more of an effect on those of us who are older and remember when we were illegal, in danger of being entrapped by police. An interesting article in the paper yesterday re the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras
http://www.smh.com.au/news/opinion/more-than-gay-the-young-ones-move-on/2008/02/29/1204226988948.html
some excerpts:
Far from bemoaning the lack of gay community, these young men are just getting on with creating interesting, full and varied lives. And quite often, being gay is just one element of who they are and how they live.
"I'm not a gay guy first," he says firmly. "I'm passionate about the things that I do, and I'm intensely passionate about architecture and design; things like that will get me going."
During the 1980s and 1990s, the dance hit We Are Family was claimed by the gay community as an anthem - an ode to gay belonging. Mardi Gras served it up as a catchcry of Sydney gay life. It resonated powerfully with that first cohort of gay men and lesbians intoxicated on the new freedoms of the sub-culture. But it bears little resemblance to the world inhabited today by young men such as Andrew and Dave.
I know this should be in nother thread but may help explain why Brokeback affected some of us much more than others.
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Damn! Two years. Thank God for Jack and Ennis. Thank God for many wonderful new acquaintances and a few new friends. Thank God for Brokeback Mountain, the story that empowered me to resolve a long ago love affair.
Can't hardly look at any mountain out here in the west without seeing those boys, Jack and Ennis, riding through every tree line, across every meadow, joining us at every get-together.
And now Heath rides in the mountains of Heaven far beyond the moon.
Eternal joy, Dear Soul.
Your Ennis del Mar gave courage to so many, freed so many hearts from fear.
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While I wish to stay within topic "How Brokeback Affected Me-The Impact on Society and Ourselves", I will clarify a few points brought up, which don't have anything to do with my response to ATPav's post:
-It's not a goal for many homo men to be out and proud. They just wanna be themselves. Kinda like Jack and Ennis. I don't have a problem with those that want to be very visible--march and such. It's just that there are so many guys like ATP and many that have surfaced through this forum that don't fit into that gay mold. They don't wanna stand up and be focused on and be proud about being gay. They don't wanna be defined by the term gay.
-While I discharge the current GAY community, I don't have a problem with the individual. If a person is good, (and I really don't give a flyin' F if he swishes or lisps) he/she will be my friend. I won't and don't look down on that person, bully that person, or think anything less of that person, but also I won't be physicaly/sexually attracted, but I will respect him/her for being a good person.
My goal isn't to focus on those that are out and proud. Good for them (you). It's to grab ahold of guys like Vincent and ATPav (and Jack and Ennis) and let them know they can be like they are. They don't need to change. It's okay.
-One can like to watch the tight thighs of UFC and Rugby, but there are those that look beyond that and want to play and compete in the sport.........
Brad
Great posts Brad, and I have to say I agree 100%, I look at the person, what kind of fellow human being are they, how do they treat others..........that's important to me.....Jonn
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You see, like Brad, I too married a wonderful woman and I thought I could be happy, except I went further and thought that if we had the house, then the kids, then I'll be happy, ... and now what I have is family responsibilities and that "internal living hell" he referred to. I have created a no-win situation for everyone - especially me - but at this point, I simply cannot walk away from my responsibilities. I have a family to support, a kid to put thru college, the mortgage, ....and there's no real way out without creating devastating waves that would crush my family more than me....
Hi Vincent,
I felt compelled to respond to you because I can look back at my own "internal living hell" while married, and see that my inner pain and regrets would only have intensified over time, to the point where I would have broken down and jeopardised my family's security anyway. The internal hell became an 'actual hell', but only briefly. My family saw that I was still the same man I have always been: And like yesterday's headlines get forgotten, lines are drawn under the past and those that love you will understand why fear made you take the path you did. It's also not a matter of walking away from responsibilities, rather waliking towards peace of mind - I'm actually a better father because my emotional energy isn't being drained by hiding my true self any more.
Andy
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Damn! Two years. Thank God for Jack and Ennis. Thank God for many wonderful new acquaintances and a few new friends. Thank God for Brokeback Mountain, the story that empowered me to resolve a long ago love affair.
Can't hardly look at any mountain out here in the west without seeing those boys, Jack and Ennis, riding through every tree line, across every meadow, joining us at every get-together.
And now Heath rides in the mountains of Heaven far beyond the moon.
Eternal joy, Dear Soul.
Your Ennis del Mar gave courage to so many, freed so many hearts from fear.
Hear, hear...Well said, o.d.
BBM opened my eyes to certain things and made me a better person for it, I think.
(I think you all know how I feel about the film, so I won't repeat myself here.)
But, unexpectedly, the film has helped me understand something about some good friends of mine from long
ago that had never made much sense to me. I knew a family once, growing up, whose dynamics were screwed
to the level of Shakespearean tragedy. I never did understand the why of it until I saw BBM
and even then it took me a while to put two and two together.
And yet, thanks to BBM, I now get it. It's the only thing that makes any sense.
It still makes me shake my head, but at least now I have a clue to what the hell happened.
As an aside:
In honor of Heath, I've recently bought myself a beautiful turquoise and sterling silver heart ring.
It is a private sort of thing because no one looking at the ring on my hand would know it stands for
my affection for HL, this forum and the BBM film. Unless they ask and I tell them.
AND, I've made up my mind (I think) to get my first tattoo at the ripe old age of 60+.
Why the hell not?
Why should everyone else have one and not me? ;)
I want something in the vicinity of my left wrist or hand so it will always be in full view, but haven't decided yet if I'll
design it myself or not. Want a symbol of everything BBM means to me, with a nod to HL as well.
Hopefully I won't lose my nerve...
I'm not one for needles!
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My partner got his first tattoo at 64, and one of them is based on the postcard image of Brokeback Mountain.
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi47.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff192%2Ffritzkep%2FDSC05935.jpg&hash=6aed3e4cf5787db73d588c81d0333eed2e8ab397)
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(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi47.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff192%2Ffritzkep%2FDSC05928.jpg&hash=9585f50ad6b70ee5ef0a0fd16802350ff541f07a)
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Why the hell not?
Yeah WHY NOT? ((((Rosewood))))
and btw I very much appreciate your posts, your insights....and your advice about books of course ;)
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I felt compelled to respond to you because I can look back at my own "internal living hell" while married, and see that my inner pain and regrets would only have intensified over time, to the point where I would have broken down and jeopardised my family's security anyway. The internal hell became an 'actual hell', but only briefly. My family saw that I was still the same man I have always been: And like yesterday's headlines get forgotten, lines are drawn under the past and those that love you will understand why fear made you take the path you did. It's also not a matter of walking away from responsibilities, rather waliking towards peace of mind - I'm actually a better father because my emotional energy isn't being drained by hiding my true self any more.
Andy
Hey Andy.
I went back and read your posts. Though a bit late, welcome on board!
Thank you for sharing....difficult for me to comment on your words. For the nth time, they made me realize how wonderful this place is, what a gift it is to be allowed to get in touch with people like you and share a bit of their life, to listen and to learn.
Btw I very much agree on 3 of the 4 movies in your sig line. I haven't seen 'Lost in translation' yet :)
Hugs
Dahlia (Daniela - Italy)
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(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi47.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff192%2Ffritzkep%2FDSC05928.jpg&hash=9585f50ad6b70ee5ef0a0fd16802350ff541f07a)
wow there amazing!
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fritzkep, your partner's tats (ha! I'm using the lingo!) are beautiful.
How very brave of him!
I'm starting to feel empowered!!
...and thanks for the kind words, dahlia.
I'll keep you all posted on The Tattoo Caper.
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Go for it, Rosewood!
After I saw the movie, I got a Brokeback tattoo, placed over the gay pride tattoo I had gotten a year prior.
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi54.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fg116%2FCellarDweller115%2FCopyofnewtat001.jpg&hash=263b1fb9ba488bf55dca502fba8b12732e32f6b7)
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I love your tattoo Chuck!
Fritz, Earl's tattoos are amazing!
Go for it, Rosewood!
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I'll keep you all posted on The Tattoo Caper.
we're countin' on it, darling! :D
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great tattoos guys!
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I was so busy yesterday that I almost forgot it was my anniversary.
2 years ago I joined the forum.
Total time logged in: 95 days, 12 hours and 50 minutes
Here's my first post, and the reply from Jackie. We were talking about how many times we'd seen the movie. I've seen it almost 60 times now:
17 times so far. I hardly ever go to the movies but Brokeback got me good.
BayCityJohn, Welcome. It's good to meet another fellow Brokeaholic. I'm at #17 also. Please feel free to roam around and share your comments on other sites. New voices are always welcome.
Thank you Paintedshoes! I'm going for 18 tonight after work. (yes i'm at work-slacking).
Nice to know I'm not alone.
I wish it was like that in our local theatres. There were 2 others in the theatre last night. The biggest audience I saw here was about 30 people the saturday before Oscars.
I wish we had more theatres too. I'm starting to get strange looks at the ticket counter.
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fwiw... 107
hours... ooops days :-X
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(((((((((((((((( John )))))))))))))))))))))
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I think I need some help and support from fellow Brokies. I can't seem to figure this whole thing or my own feelings out..... I've really tried!
It's almost a year now since I saw BBM for the first time and my whole world changed. I don't need to tell you all how I felt, cause I'm sure you all know!
The thing is, IT HASN'T CHANGED SINCE!!!
Emotionally, I'm still way hell out in the middle of nowhere.... I have no idea what's happening to me or why!
I'm devastated, so extremely sad, I've withdrawn into my own world and stopped seeing a lot of people that I used to see regularly. I'm not sure that is healthy, but I didn't feel that I had any patience with them any more.
I work and do what I have to do around the house, but every second I can spare (and a lot more which deprives me from a lot of sleep) I spend on this forum or reading BBM-fic. I haven't posted so much, but lurk a lot. I read fic for consolation, the AU stories where they get their sweet life together are so comforting to read. But i've come to think that it's also a way to hide from reality, and maybe that's not so good...... Only, I don't know what to do instead.... (Oh, of course I have thousands of things that need to be done, but I have no energy whatsoever to get started). I feel empty, and more or less all I can think about is BBM-related.
And, as if things weren't already bad enough, my best friend since 30 years died a week ago, and that of course made everything much worse. Now I'm dealing also with my grief for her.
I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone, but I think I need help. Can't deal with this on my own anymore....
How can one single film have this profound impact on me and everyone else?? And what is that impact??? I still don't know what the hell happened to me? ??????
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((((((((((((((((((((((((( Sason/Sonja ))))))))))))))))))))))))
I am so sorry for you loss. So very, very sorry!!!
Still thankful to share everything concerning the film with you!
There are so many friends here at the forum...
And I hope I can be a friend for you now that I know you need one!!!! I'm here!!!
Much love
Mia
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sonja,
it is past time you started talking... to real people, especially here on the forum, but reinvigorating your acquaintances in the 3d world. and if somehow you had surrounded yourself with real jerks, as opposed to those who just don't get it, begin to pay attention to a new set of caring friends. things get so much easier in life, especially during a depression, if one reaches outside oneself to see if someone else is worse off. this is not to say don't take care of YOURSELF, but to not become obsessed with oneself.
where i go there is a saying, and i am sure it applies here. THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH IT. you can't go over, under or around whatever is broken or bruised, youhave to name it, claim it, and let it go, and that is very much a process. baby steps, but steps nonetheless.
you have a legion at your back.
jack
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Sonja, i'm really sorry about your loss. I know how it feels to lose a friend, someone you feel so close to you to..... By all means you are more than wellcome to talk about it here and there is always PMs. I'm here for you.
And BBM has still this impact on me---it's been more than two years now...i still go around reading stories that give J&E a happy ending cus my heart needs that even though i have found a place in my heart for them..i have created a small world just for them to have what they couldn't have.
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And, as if things weren't already bad enough, my best friend since 30 years died a week ago, and that of course made everything much worse. Now I'm dealing also with my grief for her.
I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone, but I think I need help. Can't deal with this on my own anymore....
How can one single film have this profound impact on me and everyone else?? And what is that impact??? I still don't know what the hell happened to me? ??????
Sason, I'm so sorry that you've lost your close friend. That has got to be a very difficult thing to go through.
I have to agree with what Jack said. If you find the friends you had before no longer suit you, start a new adventure in your life and find new ones. Life is easier if you have friends to turn to.
sending you love, positive thoughts, hugs!
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Emotionally, I'm still way hell out in the middle of nowhere.... I have no idea what's happening to me or why!
((((((((((((((((((Sason))))))))))))))))))))))))))
My thoughts go out to you. Be strong, it must make some sense, eventually.... I'm still searching.
MM
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I'm devastated, so extremely sad, I've withdrawn into my own world and stopped seeing a lot of people that I used to see regularly. I'm not sure that is healthy, but I didn't feel that I had any patience with them any more.
I work and do what I have to do around the house, but every second I can spare (and a lot more which deprives me from a lot of sleep) I spend on this forum or reading BBM-fic. I haven't posted so much, but lurk a lot. I read fic for consolation, the AU stories where they get their sweet life together are so comforting to read. But i've come to think that it's also a way to hide from reality, and maybe that's not so good...... Only, I don't know what to do instead.... (Oh, of course I have thousands of things that need to be done, but I have no energy whatsoever to get started). I feel empty, and more or less all I can think about is BBM-related.
For me this Brokeback Mountain obsession has only been going on for five months. I withdraw into my own world too. For the first time in my life as I have always lived a very outgoing and socially busy life. I think, for me, it just had to come sooner or later, a time in life slowing down and contemplating, thinking a little more about myself...
I'm not scared by withdrawing. Not yet!!! There are a few things I have been thinking about when trying to figure out what happened to me when the film affected me so much. One is how life changes now after 27 years of being a mother (while busy being a business woman). And believe me I have been very much a mother, I had long periods as a mother of a seriously sick child, there are ten years between my oldest and youngest kid, and I've had lots of extra-kids around me. I have officially been titled “Mamma Mia”. The kids grew up and two of them moved out of the house. The extra-kids grew up too and became best friends instead. I was also one of those tiger mum's, publically debating, defending and fighting for children's rights. I was angrier then.
Another thing is that I was in mourning, still going through the first year without my father. He was so active and travelling, a working journalist all his life, even when he was sick. I had an adventurous daddy. And wise, always updated on politics. He could tell me things about every part of the world, he travelled everywhere except for the Antarctic. He could explain things happening in the world that I don't understand on on my own. In a way his knowledge and his adventures were like mine. It's like a part of me missing. If that makes sense.
And the third thing is what I now am beginning to talk to you about, Sonja!!! My best friend who died in a terrible disease some years ago. And the friendship the way it was before she got sick, how the friendship changed when the disease changed her and the fact that she is gone. I can't help thinking about my short comings. Things I wish I had done differently....
Sitting by my fathers side as he died has changed me. I now understand everything about being helpless. Brokeback Mountain talks to me in a way words don't.
And through the forum I made new friends, I've met people in different threads that I feel so closely and truly connected to. For me it's a way to reach out in the middle of all this withdrawing and contemplating. To not be alone while going through it, as Jack so wisely said before in his post to you. I am so glad you are coming to Oxford. I am so glad I am going there. Until then let's talk on the phone, in Pm's and on threads!!!
(((((((((((((((((((((( Sonja ))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((((( All Brokie-friends )))))))))))))))))))
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((((((((((((((((( Mia ))))))))))))))))))))
Hugs to you, too, Mia. You have such a capacity to understand people, maybe because of your background as a mother. Also, your experience of being with your father when he died reminded me so much of how I felt when my own father died ten years ago. Thanks for posting about your feelings.
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How did Brokeback affect me?
Two years ago this week I finally climbed out of my closet...
Less than a week later Nick arrived in Seattle for our first in-person meeting.
All because of this movie, and our forum of friends.
Thank you all for being here for us...
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(((((((((((((((( Rob ))))))))))))))))))
And they have been the most wonderful two years of your life, haven't they?
With many more, even better years, to come.
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Rob, Big Bro. :-*
Words cannot express what you mean to me and how much I have gained from knowing you and Nick.
You are both two of the countless blessings I have been lucky enough to receive as a result of this movie and this forum.
To all of you here, new and old, two plus years into this and those just arriving, I thank you all for being here and being a part of my life. It does not matter if we have met in person, or just here virtually, or not at all. The fact that we are all here, sharing and helping and supporting one another is all it has ever been about.
BBM and Jack and Ennis have shown us the way, big and small, in so many different aspects of all our lives. This is how BBM had affected me and maybe some of you as well.
Linda
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Sason - Please know that you're not alone. Although the path may be a little different for all of us, there is sincere understanding and acceptance here.
I have yet to figure out what has happened to me since seeing BBM. It would not be an over-statement to say that it has been a pivotal event in my life. Sometimes I wish it didn't have the affect that it has, because it's been so strong - like a tidal wave. I had no idea what I was walking into, had no idea a movie could even come close to having this impact. I have little control over it, which is very unnerving. I think it's the same lack of control Jack and Ennis felt, they couldn't escape their feeling for each other, even tho sometimes I think they wanted to. The feelings were there to be dealt with as best they could, they couldn't be escaped. Sometimes I want to escape the pull of BBM - it is truly unlike anything I have ever experienced, but I have had to "go with it" so to speak, because the grasp (which has mostly had good consequences) seems to be stronger than me.
I too needed fan fiction to move beyond the deep sense of grief I felt, for 7 months, after seeing the movie. I was getting very concerned it would never lift. But for me, the fan fiction stories broke up the grief and largely let it dissipate.
I am truly a different person than I was before the movie. Not with everything, but some parts of my life I now see as life "before BBM" and "After BBM." And ultimately, most of the changes are positive ones, ones nurtured by the folks on this forum.
I have not one person in my real life that I can talk to about BBM and it's affect, not one. Because my views on a number of things have changed as a result of the movie and discussions with forum members, I no longer have some of the friends I used to have (well we aren't as close). There are times I neglect "RL" things, not major things, but still - and I often regret that. Please feel free to PM me, I'd be happy to talk with you and encourage you. I have no answers, I don't know if there are any, but thanks to the movie and a few very kind and open people on the forum, I believe that I am a better person in my after-seeing-Brokeback days.
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The following is from a friend (Jeff Mann) of my partner Earl's, originally printed in the Charleston (WV) Gazette on 19 February 2006, reprinted with permission of the author.
Jeff Mann grew up in Covington, Virginia, and Hinton, West Virginia, receiving degrees in English and forestry from West Virginia University. His poetry, fiction, and essays have appeared in many publications, including The Spoon River Poetry Review, Wild Sweet Notes: Fifty Years of West Virginia Poetry 1950-1999, Prairie Schooner, Shenandoah, Laurel Review, The Gay and Lesbian Review Worldwide, Crab Orchard Review, Bloom, and Appalachian Heritage. He has published three award-winning poetry chapbooks, Bliss, Mountain Fireflies, and Flint Shards from Sussex; two full-length books of poetry, Bones Washed with Wine and On the Tongue; a collection of personal essays, Edge; a novella, Devoured, included in Masters of Midnight: Erotic Tales of the Vampire; a book of poetry and memoir, Loving Mountains, Loving Men; and a volume of short fiction, A History of Barbed Wire, which won a Lambda Literary Award. He teaches creative writing at Virginia Tech in Blacksburg, Virginia.
WATCHING BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
The boots are rough dark brown leather, with steel toes. In fact, it even says “STEEL TOE” in small bright yellow letters on the side of each boot. Not the kind to wear through airport security—they take too long to unlace. Yet security was on my mind when last I wore them, on Saturday, February 4, 2006, at Park Place Stadium Cinemas in Charleston, West Virginia, when my partner John and I finally saw Brokeback Mountain.
Call me paranoid. I’ve been given cause. During my high-school days in Hinton, West Virginia, lesbian friends and I were regularly harassed, and one night I was even punched in the face (ironically while walking a female friend of mine home). In college, I took karate and aikido classes and started lifting weights, trying to become stronger and tougher, just in case I ever had to defend myself or those I love from gay-bashers. A year or so ago, I even learned a few boxing pointers.
Bush’s America is often a frightening place for Lesbian/Gay/Bisexual/Transgender folks, with the Religious Right in a position of power it has never enjoyed before. My native Appalachia, of which I am too fond to leave, is certainly not a place where it is easy to be gay or lesbian, thanks in large part to the ubiquitous presence of intolerant Christian fundamentalism. The state of Virginia, where I now teach, is especially disturbing: it possesses one of the most virulent laws against same-sex marriage, and members of the General Assembly are regularly trying to push through measures against LGBT adoptions and high-school Gay/Straight Alliances. In 1996, a lesbian couple was murdered in Shenandoah National Park. In 2000, the colleague of an acquaintance of mine was shot to death inside a Roanoke gay bar.
Given this context, I could certainly relate to the difficulties Jack and Ennis face in “Brokeback Mountain.” I read Annie Proulx’s short story last fall, when a student in my Gay and Lesbian Literature class at Virginia Tech—assuming that a guy like me, a gay country boy who wears cowboy boots a lot, would probably relate to the tale—lent me Proulx’s Close Range, the collection which includes the story. Of course he was right. I devoured it, began to hunt down articles about and reviews of the film, and soon thereafter, even began to dream of the characters. I can’t recall the last time I was so eager to see a movie.
Anyone with any sense must realize that we gay people are starved for literature, music, and films that reflect our experience. Surrounded by a frequently hostile majority, swamped by media that is infused with heterosexual images and values, we ache for affirming artistic mirrors of queer life. Those of us who have grown up in small-towns and the countryside and who have resisted the urge to flee to cities where gay enclaves can be found are especially hungry for queer art that reflects the rural worlds we know. Most LGBT books and movies I know depict urban life, in cities like New York, San Francisco, and Los Angeles, places I love to visit but could never stand (or afford) to live. And so I couldn’t help but be deeply seized by Proulx’s story of cowboys herding sheep on a Wyoming mountain and trying to conceal their love for one another in hostile small-town settings. Though most of my time these days is spent as a professor in the world of words, it was only a few decades back that I was a Summers County boy helping his father load hay in summer and in winter driving cattle towards our Forest Hill barn. I’m not a Westerner and I’m not a cowboy, but still, even without seeing the film, I knew that it contained my life as a gay Appalachian in a way no other film ever had.
As much as I wanted to see Brokeback, however, I was hesitant to view it in public, in the company of strangers who might not be sympathetic to such a story. Though many friends who’d seen it had assured me that the audiences were well-behaved, a Virginia Tech colleague told me that she heard nervous laughter when she watched it in the New River Valley Mall in nearby Christiansburg. A buddy in Roanoke told me that people there got up and walked out when the main characters, Jack and Ennis, first made love. A friend in Tallahassee, Florida, told me that folks there were stomping out during the love scenes and demanding their money back.
When I think about seeing gay-themed films in public theaters, as opposed to the much-preferred private home-viewings that Netflix and inexpensive DVD’s allow, I always return to Making Love, one of the first mainstream films to deal with gay subject matter. It got to Morgantown in 1982, when I was in graduate school at WVU. How delighted my queer friends and I were finally to see gay life depicted in film. That exuberance was short-lived. When the male leads got intimate, the primarily straight audience exploded with disgust. “Oh, God! Sick! I’m gonna puke.” Much younger, much smaller, much more timid than I am now, I sat there frightened, seething with hatred, afraid to say anything, praying that they’d shut up. I was not strong, they were too many. I despised my own fear as much as or more than I despised them. Sometimes it seems to me that everything I have ever done or said has been a way of dealing with my own fear, passivity, and cowardice.
It was that audience reaction all those years ago that I could not stop thinking about as I waited, with equal measures of enthusiastic anticipation and cold dread, for Brokeback Mountain to get to Southwest Virginia, where I teach, or Charleston, where my partner John lives. And it was my own violent reaction to a jeering audience that I feared the most. I am no longer that young, scared graduate student. I am 46 years old and 200 pounds, and I am more than willing to denounce homophobes and defend myself and my kind from them, either verbally or physically. A Martin Luther King statement keeps coming back to me: “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” As much as I wanted to see Brokeback, I also wanted to avoid getting into a fistfight, for my days of silence are long over. A jail term, I reflected, would not improve my chances of securing tenure at Virginia Tech.
Brokeback is certainly not the only thing that has me brooding on homophobia in recent weeks. Though I have not personally faced such hatred for many years—my university colleagues are liberal, my neighbors understanding and friendly—it exists very close to home, or, rather, close to work, for anti-gay behavior is on the rise at Virginia Tech, despite the many attempts of administrators and committees to squelch it. Queer students come to me with reports of mockery and abuse that madden me. I have little in the way of parental instincts—children generally get on my nerves—but in this case, I feel as if these LGBT kids are children of mine who are in danger and whom I cannot adequately protect. These facts deepen a siege mentality already innate in me (something I sometimes blame on my Celtic blood). These unpleasant realities stir up a rage in me I find it harder and harder to turn to positive use. And rage, when it ferments and rots without constructive outlet, so often metamorphoses into despair.
Annie Proulx has clearly stated, in her essay “Getting Movied,” included in Brokeback Mountain: Story to Screenplay, that her tale is “a story of destructive rural homophobia.” What bitter irony, then, to worry about homophobic audience responses to a film that, at its core, is about how fear of anti-gay violence thwarts love and starves hearts. Perhaps, I thought, as Brokeback came to Roanoke, to Christiansburg, finally to Charleston, I could wait till the DVD was released.
But then the dreams got too bad. Proulx’s story’s begins with Ennis Del Mar, now a middle-aged man, about my age, I’d say, awaking from a dream about Jack Twist. Similarly, both the story I’d read and the movie images I’d seen in magazines and on-line had leached so deeply into my subconscious that I couldn’t stop dreaming of Ennis and Jack. Sometimes I was traveling with them on horseback across Wyoming landscape, a terrain I’ve only seen in films. Sometimes we traveled together through my native mountains of Appalachia. Sometimes I was Ennis, feeling desire, fear, rage, and grief so intense that I disturbed John with my groans and he had to shake me awake. When, finally, one night in the first week of February, I dreamed about them all night long, I realized I had to see the movie just to get out from under it.
On February 2, a teenager attacked patrons of a gay bar in New Bedford, Massachusetts. On February 4, I sat in the dark at Park Place Stadium Cinemas, in downtown Charleston, wearing not the cowboy boots I usually wear, the kind most appropriate to the film, but the heaviest work boots I own, the sort I always wore on those evenings in the late ‘70’s when I attended meetings of the gay and lesbian student group at WVU, hoping to be prepared if any frat guys showed up with baseball bats.
I sat against the back wall, waiting for the film to begin, nervously chewing on handfuls of John’s popcorn. We were, from what I could tell, the only gay couple in the place, and the audience was far larger than I would have preferred. Every man who entered the room I sized up as a possible opponent. (I don’t always expect the worst but I’m always trying to prepare for it.) The audience at that 3 pm showing, I noted with cautious optimism, was composed for the most part of the middle-aged and elderly. No young men twice my size who might throw me against the wall, if push literally came to shove.
John, bless him, though he knew exactly what I was thinking and fearing, seemed as calm as ever. (How does one set up house on the rim of a volcano? Ask him.) He hadn’t read the story as I had, but surely he could gauge when Jack and Ennis were about to grow intimate, because those were the spots where I sat on the edge of my seat and tensed up, waiting for the snickers or the jeers to begin, ready to leap from my seat and pick a fight.
My country brothers made love in their high-mountain tent. They kissed violently after four years apart. They sprawled naked in a motel bed together, delighting in their reunion. And that Charleston audience was absolutely silent.
When the film ended, I was of course quietly wrecked. Brokeback Mountain embodies almost all of my issues and most of my fears. But, as weak as I was with relief—no fisticuffs necessary, no jail term for me as yet—I was also welling with gratitude. As John drove us home to martinis (that evening required several) and slow-cooked Hungarian goulash, I was more thankful than ever to have him beside me and to live and work in places where we are for the most part accepted. Whatever the future brings us, we have escaped the bleak fates, the half-lived lives of Jack and Ennis.
And I was thankful for the respectful silence of that audience. Perhaps the world has changed for the better since those contemptuous shouts met Making Love. Perhaps it was simple luck to share that particular showing of the film with those who were my age or older and thus less likely to behave badly in public. Perhaps Charleston is more a bastion of liberals than I imagined. Perhaps the past has warped me so badly that I can’t believe in human goodness when it takes my hand.
I’m not ready to make any of those generalizations. I only know that Brokeback Mountain is one of the great movies of my life, and that I will always remember that the first time I saw it (for you can be sure I will soon own the DVD and in future years will watch it again and again) those with whom I experienced that story recognized love and tragedy and met those eternals, those immensities, with the silence witness they deserve. That other immensity, hate, which so shapes the fears I share with Jack and Ennis, was not among us in that darkened room, on that winter afternoon.
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Wow! Fritz, this is a wonderful article written by Earl's friend. It's so well-written and expresses his conflicted emotions so well. Thanks for taking the time to post it.
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How did Brokeback affect me?
Two years ago this week I finally climbed out of my closet...
Less than a week later Nick arrived in Seattle for our first in-person meeting.
All because of this movie, and our forum of friends.
Thank you all for being here for us...
aww thats so lovely ((((((((((((((((((((((Rob)))))))))))))))))))))))))
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((((((((((((((((( Mia ))))))))))))))))))))
Hugs to you, too, Mia. You have such a capacity to understand people, maybe because of your background as a mother. Also, your experience of being with your father when he died reminded me so much of how I felt when my own father died ten years ago. Thanks for posting about your feelings.
Thank you for your kind words!
((((((((((((((((( Debbie ))))))))))))))))))
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To all of you here, new and old, two plus years into this and those just arriving, I thank you all for being here and being a part of my life. It does not matter if we have met in person, or just here virtually, or not at all. The fact that we are all here, sharing and helping and supporting one another is all it has ever been about.
Thanks to you (((((((((((((((((( Linda ))))))))))))))))) for being here!!!
Here's for those two years (((((((((((((((((((((((((( Rob ))))))))))))))))))))))
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Big hugs to everyone and as Linda said it doesn't matter whether we have met in person or not. Apart from my family this is the only other place which feels like home to me. It is the most wonderful feeling to know that you can come here that there are people where you can lean on either in happy and bad moments cus it is good to have friends who are there for you when you have those moments. The bad ones feel less bad when a friend is there and the happy moments are happier when you share them with people you love. I feel so lucky for being here where i, at first shared my pain over BBM, the J&E's tragic story but at the same time it gave me s'thing important, to get to know all of you, my friends. :) :) :)
(((((((((((((Rob)))))))))))))) (((((((((((((Mia))))))))))))))))
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I think I need some help and support from fellow Brokies. I can't seem to figure this whole thing or my own feelings out..... I've really tried!
It's almost a year now since I saw BBM for the first time and my whole world changed. I don't need to tell you all how I felt, cause I'm sure you all know!
The thing is, IT HASN'T CHANGED SINCE!!!
Emotionally, I'm still way hell out in the middle of nowhere.... I have no idea what's happening to me or why!
Dear Sonja, I can relate to so many of the things you say, and I’m not sure if I can be of any help. I wish I could.
The question you ask yourself I’ve been asking myself for such a long time.
I know that feeling, that our life is so un-satisfying, that the people and world around you are so uninteresting, and that you wish you were up there on the mountain living life for real, life that’s worth living, a life of love.
I, too, have lost sleep, have given up some of my hobbies, lost interest in some of the work I had to do and had serious discussions with my husband who saw me drifting away in a world of my own. I’ve had times when I really felt depressed, and cried a lot.
Today I’m much better, mainly thanks to the support of my husband, of one (woman) friend in my RL, and of many people here in the forum. Also I found great help in posting music or photographs or discussing movies and books in general. It is a way to stay here, to stay connected with lovely people, without being 100% obsessed by the Brokeback thing.
YES I think that this CAN BE an escape from reality.
But don’t let the sadness make you sink. You remember the ‘Neverending Story’ movie? If you let the sadness prevail, the drowning sands may catch you.
I think you should honestly put down a list of a few of the things you need to do, and do them. Be realistic and don’t feel guilty. You spent time in a travel inside yourself, and that time was well spent. But your life is in the real world. Try to find things that interest you around you. Plant flowers, and watch them grow. It's spring!
I would even suggest that you take a break from the Forum, two weeks, not less. So you can realize that you’re not dependent, and you can have a good sleep. Sleeping is so important. I did it….the first day is hard but then it becomes easier.
Then, it’s also true that we can become a small part of your real world. We’re going to meet in Oxford, and that’s for real! Even if only for 2-3 days. The love that keeps us here is real. If it helps, please post, or PM, send me an email, an IM, whenever you want. I’d be delighted. You’re dear to me, you’re dear to many of us. I understand you so much!
Sorry for saying very threadbare things. I hope it makes any sense to you, and send you a big ((((((((hug))))))))))
Daniela
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For me this Brokeback Mountain obsession has only been going on for five months. I withdraw into my own world too. For the first time in my life as I have always lived a very outgoing and socially busy life. I think, for me, it just had to come sooner or later, a time in life slowing down and contemplating, thinking a little more about myself...
And the third thing is what I now am beginning to talk to you about, Sonja!!! My best friend who died in a terrible disease some years ago. And the friendship the way it was before she got sick, how the friendship changed when the disease changed her and the fact that she is gone. I can't help thinking about my short comings. Things I wish I had done differently....
And through the forum I made new friends, I've met people in different threads that I feel so closely and truly connected to. For me it's a way to reach out in the middle of all this withdrawing and contemplating. To not be alone while going through it, as Jack so wisely said before in his post to you. I am so glad you are coming to Oxford. I am so glad I am going there. Until then let's talk on the phone, in Pm's and on threads!!!
Words are hard to find.......
You know you are one of the people here that helped me the most. Even when you think about yourself, you just can't help being a source of care and affection for others :)
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Oh, what a response!
I posted a sort of SOS, and met an overwhelming response!!!
Thank you so much (((((((Mia, Jack, Gres, CellarDwellar, MountainMouse, Stillearning and Daniela!!!))))))))
Your replies are full of love and understanding and support! The very fact that I get these answers to my post is making me feel a little better.
To know that there are people who feel/have felt the same way as I gives me hope.
I have until recently had no one in RL to share my feelings and experience of BBM with. Now I have (((((((Mia))))))). That is such a relief!
But I have a tendency to withdraw into my own world, and the advice of finding new friends and talk to people here on the forum is good. I think I need that!
I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who react this way, and not the only one who don't understand what is happening to me!
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(((((((((((((((( Sonja, Happy, Daniela )))))))))))))))
Thank you for being here and for being so special!
Here's to friendship. And Oxford!!!
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Yeahhhh!!!!!
I'm looking soooo forward to Oxford!!
Can't wait!!!!!!
Hugs to y'all!!
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I think I need some help and support from fellow Brokies. I can't seem to figure this whole thing or my own feelings out..... I've really tried!
It's almost a year now since I saw BBM for the first time and my whole world changed. I don't need to tell you all how I felt, cause I'm sure you all know!
The thing is, IT HASN'T CHANGED SINCE!!!
Emotionally, I'm still way hell out in the middle of nowhere.... I have no idea what's happening to me or why!
I'm devastated, so extremely sad, I've withdrawn into my own world and stopped seeing a lot of people that I used to see regularly. I'm not sure that is healthy, but I didn't feel that I had any patience with them any more.
I work and do what I have to do around the house, but every second I can spare (and a lot more which deprives me from a lot of sleep) I spend on this forum or reading BBM-fic. I haven't posted so much, but lurk a lot. I read fic for consolation, the AU stories where they get their sweet life together are so comforting to read. But i've come to think that it's also a way to hide from reality, and maybe that's not so good...... Only, I don't know what to do instead.... (Oh, of course I have thousands of things that need to be done, but I have no energy whatsoever to get started). I feel empty, and more or less all I can think about is BBM-related.
And, as if things weren't already bad enough, my best friend since 30 years died a week ago, and that of course made everything much worse. Now I'm dealing also with my grief for her.
I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone, but I think I need help. Can't deal with this on my own anymore....
How can one single film have this profound impact on me and everyone else?? And what is that impact??? I still don't know what the hell happened to me? ??????
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((sason/Sonja))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I am so sorry for your loss. Losing such a long-time friend is devastating especially when you are already in a vulnerable place, put there by our film.
The others who have posted before me have said so much, so well......... Listen to them, they are wise.
I still don't know "what the hell happened to me", but talking to the others here has helped me a lot, even if it is just to know that I wasn't alone in this reaction. I had many of the same symptoms you describe.... the funny thing is that seeing the film, its impact on me, made me realize just how precious my family and friends are to me, and yet my need to be here and the friends I have made here have taken me away from them to some extent. It is an odd contradiction. I think balance is the key. Take a step back, as dahia said, every once in a while.... just to find your center again. Sometimes it is hard to come up for air, but we must. My life has been forever enriched by the people I have met here as a result of this amazing film, whether or not we have met in RL.... yours will be too! I am so happy you will be able to go to Oxford because meeting other brokies in person is an incredible experience!
hugs to you,
Sue
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Oh Sue, thank you for your reply!
It's true, I've got so many wise answers to my SOS! I'm really grateful, and I think what I have to do right now is to keep on being active on the forum. To get the support that is offered here. It's good to know that there are so many fellow Brokies who have/are experiencing the same as me. That in itself is comforting!
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I wasn't sure where to post this, but this thread seems appropriate. Two years
ago, a young man from Kentucky who was or had just turned 18, still in high
school, had emailed me about something I had posted on the forum. One of the
exchanges we had concerned his knowing about Brokeback Mountain for many
months before he could see it when it came out on dvd. I printed out this email
because I liked the way he wrote about his life and then what it was like to see
the film for the first time and the excitement of that and how it affected him. I
just read it again and thought it would be nice to post it for others to read as well.
There's something about it that is sweet and touching to me. It starts off a bit
abruptly because it was in the middle of a couple email exchanges. I don't think
the young man ever signed up on the forum--at least not under the name he
gave to me--JimB.
It is great to have the internet as a resource which I can go to (almost) freely and discuss things with other people that I know I could never get away with face to face... although so much of that forced repression and secrecy that I've maintained through the years still haunts me even on the internet. It's hard to open up--right now especially when I'm just now beginning to understand who I am, and that yes, I am gay and I cannot change it--and honestly I've gotten to the point now where I wouldn't change it if given the opportunity... so I'd say I'm coming along at a steady pace, just with a few minor setbacks here and there.
As for the name-calling, I probably exaggerated that a bit--it's only happen maybe 10-15 times that I can remember, and generally it's from the same group of people--you know the type, the "cool kids" who think they're better than everyone else because they have the seemingly perfect lives. And when my sister said it (called me a fag) she didn't say it to my face, that may have been a bit misleading as well, she said it behind my back and one of my other sisters told me about it (at the time she didn't know I was gay so she didn't realize it would hurt me so much to find out that one of my own siblings had said such a hateful thing about me).
Anyways, usually when someone says it to me I just stare them down--situations like that are always too tense for me to come up with some witty retort that will actually make me seem straight, I've tried thinking of come-backs but that's a touchy subject to deal with and just about anything you say, if said with even the slightest miscalculation in tone, can give everything away. So yeah, I tend to just shut my mouth and stare them down with the angriest look I can muster, and wait for them to back-off. That's one good thing I guess that helps my image, I don't tend to say more than a few words a day, I don't have many good "friends," and I'm a "tough guy..." I've never gotten into a fight but people know I'm not someone they should mess with unless if they're a lot bigger than me, otherwise they might just be eating the pavement a few minutes afterwards.
Anyways...you asked about the film and what it was like to know about it for months before being able to see it! Well, I've seen the movie 13 times now! Hehe, that's an unlucky number though--I better go watch it again! But yeah, the wait was horrible, and then last week was my spring break and I thought the movie didn't come out until this past Tuesday (yesterday) and I realized late last Tuesday night it was that one instead--I practically begged my mom all night (she's one of 3 people that knows about me, I'll talk about that more later) to go and buy it for me... I'm pathetic, I know, but I wouldn't even go in the store and buy it myself... I'm too afraid, it's irrational I know, but... agh, I dunno. Anyways, I still didn't end up getting it until Thursday, but once I got it--I felt like a 5-year-old at Christmas opening up his presents from Santa, I could not get that plastic wrap off quickly enough!
The first time I watched it I went up to my room and locked the door, shut the window, and then laid in my bed and watched it by myself... my mom was already at the house and my dad got home during the middle of it, so I had to turn down the volume at times and always be ready to flip the channel in case if he wanted to come in my room. He has already made it very clear that if any of his children end up gay or ever date someone black that he will not hesitate to kick them out of the house in a heartbeat. We had a scare a few years ago when one of my sisters dated this black guy and he found out... she had just turned 18 but was still in high school and he threatened to kick her out unless if she quit dating him.
Actually that's not the only story like that I have, my oldest sister got pregnant back when she was still 18 as well, and of course it was her decision, but my dad gave her the same ultimatum--either have an abortion or get kicked out of the house... a teenager, on her own with no money and still in high school, the decision wasn't hard for her to make. She regrets it even to this day, but... there's not a lot of persuading my dad. What he says goes.
Anyways, back to my original point, so I watched it on my own and I knew just from the reviews that the film was going to be epic. I was actually hoping Cinderella Man would be nominated and would win at the time the Oscars were given out, but once I saw this, I knew there was no other film as deserving--ever.
I started crying not ten minutes into it with the beautiful music from Gustavo Santaolalla (I bought the soundtrack last Saturday after falling in love with the film--and I actually bought it myself, can you believe it!) and the short scenes of Ennis and Jack in the beginning. I could already relate to the way they looked at each other but made sure the other didn't know they were looking; I think when Jack looks back at Ennis, sitting on the steps, in the side-view mirror was when it really got to me. And I know I sound stupid, I'm not that emotional of a person--really--but it was just weird because this was the first time I've ever seen that and been able to appreciate it ever, and it just overwhelmed me.
Thanks for reaching out to me again, and it is nice to know that I have a place where I can go to and know that people will care about me for the real me, and not the mask I put on every morning before going out the door. A good friend of mine once told me, "A true friend cares about you because of who you are, not who you love." and that's what I'm finally getting the chance to feel on this board. It's just nice having someone to talk to though for a change.
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So he never joined the Forum..............hmmmm, wonder why when he knew he had finally found some understanding and caring folks in here? i guess we can all wish the best for him though. Thanks for the post!..............Jonn
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Wow Lyle. A true blue 21st century Ennis. I'm thinking he's gonna be just fine, though. He stood up to the bullies and it seems, through his words, it's okay to walk into a store and buy Brokeback Mountain now. Course', I gotta admit, when I walked into Best Buy and purchased my copy, I did wonder what people thought............. ;)
Brad
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Wow! Fritz, this is a wonderful article written by Earl's friend. It's so well-written and expresses his conflicted emotions so well. Thanks for taking the time to post it.
Fritz, big thank you for this - and to you Debbie for pointing it out. I'm going to forward it to my son (see TDS 11th March). Here in the UK I think this would be quite alien, to know there is such hostility. Tony Blair had four openly gay Cabinet members a few years ago, probably more than there were women (but I never counted). Quite an eye-opener.
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Thanks! Really looking forward to meeting the author.
Brad, if you see this, you might find the essay interesting too, it's right above the posting by Debbie that you can link to.
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Dear Fritz,
I want to thank you!
Our son was home for Easter yesterday. He had been away from email for a week, so happened to to read Jeff Mann's excellent piece here, yesterday, as I forwarded him the complete text, not just the link.
Would you please thank Jeff for me, or ask Earl if he'd be so kind to pass on my thanks. My son has not watched the DVD yet, but quietly picked it up and packed it wth a couple of other DVDs he was borrowing from us. I gave him the story for Christmas in December 2005, on the strength of the film review in the Guardian - but he never read it.
Yesterday at the tea table - there were just the three of us, for once - he asked how my parents and my husband's parents would have responded to gay people. I would say this question was inspired by reading that piece a few hours earlier. I replied that my mum had been great when my sister brought home her gay friend back in about 1971. My hubby listened for a few minutes, then changed the subject.
I gave my son a lift back, this gives us a chance to talk.
He is really not sure, that if he and his present partner decide to be 'just friends', that he still would not seek a female partner. I do not want him to do this to keep us happy. I feel strongly that should at least be something we can talk about as a family. Such a key issue, this should help the discussion, I think. It was one of those happy accidents of timing.
So thanks!
Happy Easter
Chris
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Oh Chris! I'm so glad that your son was able to get so much out of reading the essay, and Earl will definitely pass on your and his thanks to Jeff.
Happy belated Easter and Big hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Thanks (((((((((((((((((Fritz))))))))))))))))))!!!!!
It's been snowing a bit here, not far from Oxford. Brrrr!!!!! - all big warm hugs welcome ;D
In a way it would be easier for him if he knew for sure that he was 100% gay. He definitely wants a long term/permanent relationship. (So does his partner :-\).
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I can really appreciate that, Chris. Since I know that I'm completely gay, I am not tempted to wonder if things might be different if I were attracted to the opposite sex as I am to my own.
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Yes, his partner has it easier in that respect, he is 100% gay. And it's not helped by the attitude that it's somehow a betrayal (within the gay community) to admit to any dilemma of that sort. So all I can do is wish him luck.
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Yes, his partner has it easier in that respect, he is 100% gay. And it's not helped by the attitude that it's somehow a betrayal (within the gay community) to admit to any dilemma of that sort. So all I can do is wish him luck.
i can imagine how difficult it must be for him - wherever you are, you're always "wrong", and both groups (straight and gay society) are pressuring you....
well, i sincerely hope that he's able to follow his heart; because that is the only way to leading a happy life. :)
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For the LOVE of God...when is this movie going to STOP affecting me?!?!?!
LOL
I'm not complaining...it's been a WONDERFUL 2+ years!! ;D
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For the LOVE of God...when is this movie going to STOP affecting me?!?!?!
LOL
I'm not complaining...it's been a WONDERFUL 2+ years!! ;D
i DON'T want it to stop affecting me!
i even get sad at the end scene cos its heartbreaking and i know its near the end of the film and i don't wan't it to end
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After these past few months,I often ask myself,what do I have to do to stick to my plan and try to live a fuller and richer life?
Many of us have had our share of ups and downs....some of us have more downs than ups,but I often wonder....is it because we have to live and learn more? Seems unfair to me,but hey,I didn't make up the rules..
My best friend these past 2 years was Jackie. She was the 'ole wise one..I would ask myself how did this woman come up with most of the answers? Maybe it was because she had more downs than ups..maybe that's how she became so wise. But she wasn't perfect...at times she didn't have all the answers and would come to me for them..some days I had them,most days I didn't...it was a great balance. I don't even think it was because she needed to find the answers ...we just had to "think" things out,that's all...
In today's Sunday paper,I was touched by a story written by a professor who found out he had months to live....young at fifty something ...I wanted to share a few things ...
Dream big.....it doesn't hurt to dream big. What if I was told I had a short time to live? Can I honestly say I lived a full life?....grant it I'm not that old,but one doesn't have to be. Give yourself permission to dream.
Ask for what you want.....how many times can you ask yourself...."If only I would of asked"..."If only I could of found out".....never be afraid to ask.....never be afraid to reach out and get the "something" you want,however small or big it is....
Dare to take a risk...Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted....and it can be the most valuable thing you have to offer.
Look for the Best In Everybody....if you wait long enough,people will surprise you and impress you...give them a chance
Make time for what matters.......don't allow yourself less time just because...who cares if it's late...who care's if somebody want 's to come over.....say no....you deserve this extra free time with yourself or with your special someone....what ever it is
Be yourself...don't be afraid to show all your sides....people DO CARE!!
I hope to live a long and healthy life...shit, don't we all?.....but I'm not going to waste it...damn it,no matter what life's ups and downs are...I'm going to take it and run....
I love you Jackie...always "mi hermana"
Nellie
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I read that article too, (((((((((((((Nellie))))))))))))))))). Thanks. :-* :-* :-*
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Thanks ((((((((((Nellie))))))))))))))
Wise words.........
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Hi Nellie:
I watched his "last lecture" a few months ago, made my 11 year old sit down and watch it.
Highly recommended --> http://abcnews.go.com/gma/lastlecture
There's also an upcoming interview on 4/9, plan to watch it
Later, Vincent
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FYI ...
randy pausch has a website (or two) and it is interesting to read. he is even blogging the progress of the disease and of his treatment. despite setbacks, his acceptance and spirit shine through.
http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~pausch/
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Makes me think of this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mHaFMqde6A
Came out a few months before my mother died.
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Beautiful wise wise Nellie :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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Makes me think of this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mHaFMqde6A
Came out a few months before my mother died.
I love this song......thanks ,Robbie :-*
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Hi Nellie:
I watched his "last lecture" a few months ago, made my 11 year old sit down and watch it.
Highly recommended --> http://abcnews.go.com/gma/lastlecture
There's also an upcoming interview on 4/9, plan to watch it
Later, Vincent
Vincent...thanks so much for this...:-*
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They gave Randy Pausch last night on Primetime....or Dateline...I forget which is what...;D
It was wonderful....of course so sad...all mixed into one ...it was sooooo worth watching it and I'm going to get his book,most definitely!
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Hi,
Yeah, I just watched it - DVRs are wonderful tools and I'm saving that right along w/ my copies of BBM and "Forever Blue". It's a powerful interview! The man is truly an inspiration in attitude and amazement and even as they replayed segments from his original lecture, it just sent chills down my body. I have no doubt he can be viewed as arrogant at times but my guts tells me he's not that way - not within his heart. His mantra about "Tell the Truth..Always" strikes at some of the same cords BBM did. In fact running his life's lessons thru my head.. good parallels to BBM's messages.
And yeah, his book is next on my reading list!
Later, Vincent
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Guys, I don't know if you remember my story..
I just wanted to let you know that thing are good now. I still live with my wife and son, but my wife bought an appartment, some 2 miles from my house. It is still empty, but we bought a TV . She has a boyfriend now, and she looks much happier. Our son is growing and he is a happy child. In our house there is no more negative emotions. We don't make love, but we live as really good friends. We don't figth anymore. I will visit my Jack in some 30 days. I bought a ticket to Moscow and we will spend 7 days together. My wife is not jealouse. She said she knows that I will be good father to our son. She also told me that she wants me to live with hart full of happiness and joy, because she is experiencing something simillar now. Yesterday was my birthday (34.) She gave me some money to spend it in Moscow with my lover. My jack called me for my birthday to tell me some nice things. The biggest surprise for me was an sms from his mother. I don't even know the woman, but she asked him for my number. She wrote me such nice sms... I was delighted. My Jacks ex boyfriend called me also. Again, best wishes from him and kind words and compliments.
Meanwhile, I meet online one serbian guy who lives in America. He had exactly the same situation in life as me, some 6 years ago. His bf is from Brasil. That Brasilian guy moved to America and they live together already 6 years. My frien has a son and he is 10 years old. His ex wife lives nearby, and they are good friends now. I don't know how would I go through all this without him. He helped me a lot! He was always there, with his advices and I am so thankfull to him. We become very close, and we talk almost everyday. I can say he is my soulmate and I can freely say he is my best friend. I will come 14th june to spend one month here in Serbia. I can't wait to see him!
That's all for now! Hugs to all of you!
Ivan
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great to hear from you again ivan. keep in touch with us more often, eh?
also glad to hear that you are experiencing a sweet spot in your life, enjoy.
jack
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((((((((((((((((((((((((Ivan))))))))))))))))))))))))
I am so happy for you! Please don't be a stranger here. Keep in touch!
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Хвала, Иван! Срећан пут до России!
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Hey Everybody! I just wanted to let you all know about my senior work project. I started working on it last year and was originally planning to take the short stories from "Beyond Brokeback" and turn them in to monologues. I even reached out to a member to find out more information on what on his life, as I wanted to study and present him to an audience. Then things changed....I found that I was getting too far away from with would makes the senior work so special. As my final project before I graduate I was focusing too much on telling someone else's story. In order to make a show, especially one written by yourself, successful or believable you have to write from the heart. From your own experiences. So I came up with "LJ Regine is Brokeback Mountain." It begins as a one man show, where I attempt to, in a very avant garde way, interpret "Brokeback Mountain." Suddenly, a bunch of my friends stop me because they think I've gotten too far away from myself and that things are too outta hand! Then, they attempt to tell the story of my life and my own struggles, which I eventually help in doing, through the use of musical numbers. So it starts out all very serious and dramatic and turns in to a funny, campy, look at a young gay man growing up in the 21st Century. I'm really excited about it and wanted to invite whomever was around New York City to come check it out next weekend. Here is the info....
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fphotos-a.ak.facebook.com%2Fphotos-ak-sf2p%2Fv241%2F235%2F120%2F34600092%2Fn34600092_31276320_367.jpg&hash=d6113efcad6f6e1a7f0ca1262af03eee88ed0114)
Here We Are Everybody! Productions
in association with Lang Senior Work
present
LJ Regine is Brokeback Mountain
A One Man Show
Written and Performed by LJ Regine
Directed by Mary Ann Hedderson
Saturday and Sunday May 3rd and 4th, 8 pm
The Richmond Shepard Theatre
209 East 26th Street (b/t 2nd and 1st Ave)
$7 Student/$10 General Admission
After it opens I will come back and post some pictures. If you have any questions about the show, please feel free to ask. I hope to see some of you there!
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id be there if it wasn't so far away!
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Hey Everybody! I just wanted to let you all know about my senior work project. I started working on it last year and was originally planning to take the short stories from "Beyond Brokeback" and turn them in to monologues. I even reached out to a member to find out more information on what on his life, as I wanted to study and present him to an audience. Then things changed....I found that I was getting too far away from with would makes the senior work so special. As my final project before I graduate I was focusing too much on telling someone else's story. In order to make a show, especially one written by yourself, successful or believable you have to write from the heart. From your own experiences. So I came up with "LJ Regine is Brokeback Mountain."
You got it friend. It's not about others, it's about what is in our hearts. Our story. Tell it, man;
Brad
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Guys, I don't know if you remember my story..
I just wanted to let you know that thing are good now. I still live with my wife and son, but my wife bought an appartment, some 2 miles from my house. It is still empty, but we bought a TV . She has a boyfriend now, and she looks much happier. Our son is growing and he is a happy child. In our house there is no more negative emotions. We don't make love, but we live as really good friends. We don't figth anymore. I will visit my Jack in some 30 days. I bought a ticket to Moscow and we will spend 7 days together. My wife is not jealouse. She said she knows that I will be good father to our son. She also told me that she wants me to live with hart full of happiness and joy, because she is experiencing something simillar now. Yesterday was my birthday (34.) She gave me some money to spend it in Moscow with my lover. My jack called me for my birthday to tell me some nice things. The biggest surprise for me was an sms from his mother. I don't even know the woman, but she asked him for my number. She wrote me such nice sms... I was delighted. My Jacks ex boyfriend called me also. Again, best wishes from him and kind words and compliments.
Meanwhile, I meet online one serbian guy who lives in America. He had exactly the same situation in life as me, some 6 years ago. His bf is from Brasil. That Brasilian guy moved to America and they live together already 6 years. My frien has a son and he is 10 years old. His ex wife lives nearby, and they are good friends now. I don't know how would I go through all this without him. He helped me a lot! He was always there, with his advices and I am so thankfull to him. We become very close, and we talk almost everyday. I can say he is my soulmate and I can freely say he is my best friend. I will come 14th june to spend one month here in Serbia. I can't wait to see him!
That's all for now! Hugs to all of you!
Ivan
Hi Ivan,
That is great news. We have been missing you here, but I understand that getting your life in order is priority nr. 1. Great to hear that you have a confidant in your friend. It's important to have someone (or more) to talk to who understands. You can try us anytime!
Art
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Guys, I don't know if you remember my story..
I just wanted to let you know that thing are good now. I still live with my wife and son, but my wife bought an appartment, some 2 miles from my house. It is still empty, but we bought a TV . She has a boyfriend now, and she looks much happier. Our son is growing and he is a happy child. In our house there is no more negative emotions. We don't make love, but we live as really good friends. We don't figth anymore. I will visit my Jack in some 30 days. I bought a ticket to Moscow and we will spend 7 days together. My wife is not jealouse. She said she knows that I will be good father to our son. She also told me that she wants me to live with hart full of happiness and joy, because she is experiencing something simillar now. Yesterday was my birthday (34.) She gave me some money to spend it in Moscow with my lover. My jack called me for my birthday to tell me some nice things. The biggest surprise for me was an sms from his mother. I don't even know the woman, but she asked him for my number. She wrote me such nice sms... I was delighted. My Jacks ex boyfriend called me also. Again, best wishes from him and kind words and compliments.
Meanwhile, I meet online one serbian guy who lives in America. He had exactly the same situation in life as me, some 6 years ago. His bf is from Brasil. That Brasilian guy moved to America and they live together already 6 years. My frien has a son and he is 10 years old. His ex wife lives nearby, and they are good friends now. I don't know how would I go through all this without him. He helped me a lot! He was always there, with his advices and I am so thankfull to him. We become very close, and we talk almost everyday. I can say he is my soulmate and I can freely say he is my best friend. I will come 14th june to spend one month here in Serbia. I can't wait to see him!
That's all for now! Hugs to all of you!
Ivan
ivan, i'm so glad to hear that you are well and happy ! belated happy birthday & have a wonderful time in russia !
great that you found somebody who could show you that it IS possible to follow your dreams...i'm sure he can be a great mentor and friend. i'm also happy that everybody around you found happiness - your child, your wife,...everybody deserves happiness. :)
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Ivan and LJ, thanks for the updates!!!!
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Thanks for all your updates...I'm so glad and happy that things are working out for you guys ...((hugs))
Nellie
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(((((((Nellie)))))))
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Just because....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zvQjX_iL-U&feature=related
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and sometimes Nells you give me wings :-*
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Thank you Nell, that was beautiful. Made me so sad.....
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Grazie Nellie.
Sad evening tonight.
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I didn't want you guys to feel sad...I'm sorry. :-\
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its such beautiful music
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Nellie...
I remember the days that hearing just the first note of that song moved me to tears...
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9C3Q1XxNV9s&feature=related
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKr1Ou8_T3E&feature=related
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5-oZ1Ijn-9c
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^^^^^^
Still one of the best/saddest/most beautiful clips...
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5-oZ1Ijn-9c
:'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
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i think the beauty of the film is that even though i loved it the first time i saw it, it didn't hit me how much the film had affected me until about a week after i watched it and i broke down thinking of ennis and jack
anyone else feel like that?
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I had exactly that experience. I didn't cry during it or even right after it, but it was like it lit a long fuse that caused an explosion a week later. That had never, ever happened to me before.
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i think the beauty of the film is that even though i loved it the first time i saw it, it didn't hit me how much the film had affected me until about a week after i watched it and i broke down thinking of ennis and jack
anyone else feel like that?
Are you kidding me?....about 6000 of us have felt that way,here in this Forum....;D
If you ever have extra time,you should really read the archive of this original thread,you'll be floored..http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.msg1028#msg1028
Nellie
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i think the beauty of the film is that even though i loved it the first time i saw it, it didn't hit me how much the film had affected me until about a week after i watched it and i broke down thinking of ennis and jack
anyone else feel like that?
Are you kidding me?....about 6000 of us have felt that way,here in this Forum....;D
If you ever have extra time,you should really read the archive of this original thread,you'll be floored..http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.msg1028#msg1028
Nellie
true
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Marz, when you get time, you need to check out the link that Nellie put there (Thanks Nellie).....so much was posted there, when we were first hit in the chest, and heart, by Brokeback, and everything else that came with it, all the memories, emotions, tears, and new starts.
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Marz, you should definitely read that thread. I remember the feeling of comfort in knowing that so many other people from all over the world had reacted as strongly as me on Brokeback Mountain. Reading that thread made me want to be a member of the forum, made me register. It gave me courage to post and gave me such a wonderful feeling of being among real friends... Like coming home....
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even though it's archived, the thread is still affecting people.
;D
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And always will do Chuck!!!
I think it is a great testament to this forum!!
Sal ;D
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even though it's archived, the thread is still affecting people.
;D
Yep.
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i think the beauty of the film is that even though i loved it the first time i saw it, it didn't hit me how much the film had affected me until about a week after i watched it and i broke down thinking of ennis and jack
anyone else feel like that?
Are you kidding me?....about 6000 of us have felt that way,here in this Forum....;D
If you ever have extra time,you should really read the archive of this original thread,you'll be floored..http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.msg1028#msg1028
Nellie
Yup what Nell said.
I took time about 3 weeks ago to start reading that thread from the beginning. I remember the incredible "buzz" (probably not the right word) about this place then way back in early 2006, it was intoxicating. The reading isn't exactly bedtime reading, but even now, that many of us have lived through it, that learned from it, that have moved on - it is still an emotive, surprising and fortifying read.
I think it should be unarchived and be made mandatory reading for all members.
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i think the beauty of the film is that even though i loved it the first time i saw it, it didn't hit me how much the film had affected me until about a week after i watched it and i broke down thinking of ennis and jack
anyone else feel like that?
Are you kidding me?....about 6000 of us have felt that way,here in this Forum....;D
If you ever have extra time,you should really read the archive of this original thread,you'll be floored..http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.msg1028#msg1028
Nellie
Marz, that happened to me, too. The first couples of times a saw it (within a few days), I was just gut punched and stunned. Hit by the train. Then about a week later I started crying. And have done so ever since......
Question: is there a way, when reading a thread from the beginning, to mark where you are? I mean, every time you go to a thread you are reading you come to the beginning and have to pace your way four pages at a time to get to where you were. I did that when I read the whole "Impact on Women" thread, and it's quite a nuisance!! Is there an easier way?
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when i was working my way through a thread of several hundred pages, i would write down where i finished, meaning: when you are on your last page for the day, look at the URL and there is a number at the end of the address. write that number down. the next day, go to the first page, and then delete the number and insert the number you wrote down from the day before. it will take you to the last page you were on the day before.
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Question: is there a way, when reading a thread from the beginning, to mark where you are? I mean, every time you go to a thread you are reading you come to the beginning and have to pace your way four pages at a time to get to where you were. I did that when I read the whole "Impact on Women" thread, and it's quite a nuisance!! Is there an easier way?
The only way to do that would be to bookmark the thread in your browser. Just remember to update your bookmark when you're done reading.
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when i was working my way through a thread of several hundred pages, i would write down where i finished, meaning: when you are on your last page for the day, look at the URL and there is a number at the end of the address. write that number down. the next day, go to the first page, and then delete the number and insert the number you wrote down from the day before. it will take you to the last page you were on the day before.
That's how I do it! :D
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when i was working my way through a thread of several hundred pages, i would write down where i finished, meaning: when you are on your last page for the day, look at the URL and there is a number at the end of the address. write that number down. the next day, go to the first page, and then delete the number and insert the number you wrote down from the day before. it will take you to the last page you were on the day before.
That's how I do it! :D
Think I need to see that to understand it!
LOL!
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Okay...
I got it!!!
;D
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Okay...
I got it!!!
;D
good! just don't forget where you wrote down the page number! :D :D
:)
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Have I told you how much I loves ya?
Big mucho ;D
I used to say this to Jackie all the time and we would just laugh....well,I mean it and I just wanted to tell you guys this...just in case I fall off the face of the earth...just wanted to tell you that I appreciate you all,and that even though things have SLOWED down dramatically for a lot of us here,you all play a big part in my life...my virtual world,my real world....you all are a special part in my heart and soul...I wouldn't be anything without all of you,I wouldn't of opened my eyes and saw all the beauty that surrounds me here at home...I am truly blessed.
Gracias..
Nelliefeelingphilosophical ;D
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We love you too, (((((((Nellie)))))) !
:-* :-* :-*
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when i was working my way through a thread of several hundred pages, i would write down where i finished, meaning: when you are on your last page for the day, look at the URL and there is a number at the end of the address. write that number down. the next day, go to the first page, and then delete the number and insert the number you wrote down from the day before. it will take you to the last page you were on the day before.
Mucho thanks, jnov!!! :-*
Never would have thought of that myself!!
And thanks BayCityJohn for your idea too!!!
I'll try both of them and come back with a review!! :D :D
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In the Gay Marriage thread, BayCityJohn quoted a very interesting review posted on IMDB...
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=31.msg1302488#msg1302488 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=31.msg1302488#msg1302488)
just another example of how this movie is quietly affecting people two years on...
Thank you, John!
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Yes, it really is a magic movie......!!!!!!! :) :)
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Amazing, John! This film is still affecting people and in a positive way.
I have heard those same arguments against marriage and adoption from acquaintances. I wish they would see the movie!
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Oregondoggie decided to visit the Alberta Brokeback Country last week before the price of gas went past the moon. Here are a few stray sheep from his flock of adventures:
Wednesday
Startled by campaign sign in North Idaho at Canadian border: Ennis 4 Sheriff!
Seemed like all the storms from the Pacific decided to come along. Mountains bucked the clouds, gored the sky. Arrived in Canmore, Alberta, in the late-afternoon. Tackled the river of mud that led to Goat Creek (FNIT) Saw bear warnings posted. What!!! Damn! Lost my nerve. Stayed in the car. More rain. Slunk back down the hill. Decided on a different strategy for the next day, drive down paved Route 40, see the "I did once lake" and the rest. Then, maybe circle back on the gravel road, Route 742, to Goat Creek.
Thursday
Hell. Mud and mist and predators be damned! Went up to them designated campsites today past the jump off in Canmore. Stuck my sagging haunches into the old Ford Escort, 'cause I was crazy to be there. Careful not to bring soup. Two Big Macs and coffee had to do.
Rode up Rt. 40 through soggy hulks of mountains, past streams flowing
like a thousand ewes and lambs. Brokeback Country!
Rode past the Basque Bridge to the "I did once" trailhead parking lot
on the Upper Kananaskis Lake. Trailer tracks in the mud everywhere.
A robin kept vigil on a branch towards the lake. Its breast a tiny votive lamp
recalling the litany of Ennis and Jack's hurt and tears and despair.
Route 742, all mud, had several movie sites: the "Riding by the lake" scene and the "Road with the curve to heaven". Up above, you'd swear you saw Jack riding across his hill with the sheep, but clouds were tangling with the mountains. Back at Goat Creek (FNIT) I prayed my noise would spook any bears off as I hiked down past the little "Time to go, Cowboy" meadow.
Around the campsite, tiny firs were poking up near the bridge. The flowers Mouk placed in Heath's memory earlier this year were gone. Guess he snatched them up in the night, took them to heaven.
Re-piled the cairn of stones and thought of all you folk, who were surely there with me. I know you were, 'cause your huge paw prints were fresh in the soil. Got me yipping pretty loud, if that's what you want to call it."
Friday
A rainy trip through Brokeback Country is a meander through compromises.
Kinda wish the story had been about sailors given the weather. Got the car pretty close to the "You know I ain't queer" spot, but the road was dissolving into mist. Crept back down.
Came to Ft. Macleod via the opening scene in the movie on Route 22. Trucks plowed through water on the highway. Drove up above the road but the wind tried hard to shoo my car into the meadow. Guess it figured I was riding some sort of bull.
In Cowley, parked in Jack's truck spot outside of Aguirre's trailer.
Slammed the car door and kicked the rear tire good and hard.
Knelt a couple of moments in Ennis's alley. Wind retelling the tale.
In Ft. Macleod, stayed at Red Coat Motel round the corner from the laundry apartment. The crew and cast had been billeted there. Signed in and noticed inscribed photos from Heath, Jake, and Ang on the wall behind the desk. A local hospital is renting the stars' rooms on the second level. Wouldn't have minded using Jake's room.... But I could look up from my room's window below and imagine "night fire" and "red sparks." Strange, turned the TV on right in the middle of Casanova dubbed in French. Heath was jumping over a small canal. Quel coincidence! I'll bet he did some jumping upstairs too.
Earlier, went for a beer at the Queen's Hotel, but it was so full of roughneck drunks escaping the rain and flirting with would-be Cassies that I slunk back out and over to what remains of the bus station. Cafe part was dark, stripped... except for one thing... Ennis's table. All by itself. And one folding chair.
The folks at the photo shop next to the laundry apartment house told me that Ang had promised them that they'd get to meet Heath and Jake. But it didn't come about. Seems our boys were jumpy as two cats on a hot tin staircase...
Got to get back up there when the weather is good . And not wait four f..... years. Hope you'll join me!
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Love your adventure, Oregondoggie... Wishing I could take those same steps...
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Brave stuff, remember the film was to create an Eden-like environment even though the reality might be very different on average..better luck next time!
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Thank you for this emotional report, Oregondoggie!!
It means a lot to us who don't have the opportunity ourselves to do a trip like that.
I'm sure you'll have better weather next time.... :)
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Hey all,
After having been a contentedly by-standing reader for a long while, I feel the need to ask you if I am alone with the particularly unfortunate impact of crying every time I see the film - or even just hear a few bars from the soundtrack – or, sometimes, just thinking of J & E? Does it still break all of your hearts all over again after all this time, or have you found some hardening get-over-it potion?
It just seems to me that you’d be naturally ‘cried-out’ from a certain experience/event/whatever at some stage – but when is that supposed to be with this f****** movie??!? When, if ever, will it release its grip on you?? And if I’m not alone, then please tell me, what this strange and continuing tug is, that this film has on our heartstrings? ‘Cause I truly whish I knew how to shake it (without trying to paraphrase anybody :))!
Thanks for a wonderful ‘lifeline’-site to all of you in the many BBM-threads – I love reading your thoughts!
Gina
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Gina, you're not alone.
I haven't watched the movie in a theatre since February, but I did cry during that one. And it was 2 years since the first time I saw it.
I expect the same thing to happen in August when we watch it in L.A.
I thought I was cried out until January when Heath and Jackie died. Maybe I'll be ok in another year or 2?
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Hi Gina! Welcome aboard!!!
That "tugging" will taper down at some point. When? it may take a while... ::) It may happen when you've gone through every nook and cranny of the the story/film and how they relate to the nooks and crannies of your life.
It's a terribly sad story and somehow it becomes a reflection of our own sad stories, our regrets, our fears, our longing for love.
So hang in there, read all you can about it and try to see why it affects you so much. It's may be a painful journey but you will find love, acceptance and tenderness along the way.
Hugs
JJ
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Hey Jean!!!
Ages since I last saw you around.....how are you doing?
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BCJ and JJ - Thank you so much for your kind words and advise - I'm taking them in and feeling much less alone :)
G
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After having been a contentedly by-standing reader for a long while, I feel the need to ask you if I am alone with the particularly unfortunate impact of crying every time I see the film - or even just hear a few bars from the soundtrack – or, sometimes, just thinking of J & E? Does it still break all of your hearts all over again after all this time, or have you found some hardening get-over-it potion?
Hello Gina, very welcome :)
As for my experience, I don't cry as much as I did over the movie, but I cry a lot for other things. The movie has been a starting point for a journey of discovery.
It is worthwhile! As JohnJohn said, come on in!!! You'll be amazed by your findings here.....I promise :)
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Hey all,
After having been a contentedly by-standing reader for a long while, I feel the need to ask you if I am alone with the particularly unfortunate impact of crying every time I see the film - or even just hear a few bars from the soundtrack – or, sometimes, just thinking of J & E? Does it still break all of your hearts all over again after all this time, or have you found some hardening get-over-it potion?
It just seems to me that you’d be naturally ‘cried-out’ from a certain experience/event/whatever at some stage – but when is that supposed to be with this f****** movie??!? When, if ever, will it release its grip on you?? And if I’m not alone, then please tell me, what this strange and continuing tug is, that this film has on our heartstrings? ‘Cause I truly whish I knew how to shake it (without trying to paraphrase anybody :))!
Thanks for a wonderful ‘lifeline’-site to all of you in the many BBM-threads – I love reading your thoughts!
Gina
Hey Gina!
You are certainly not alone!!!
I still cry every time I watch the film, I can also start crying, almost, by just watching a pic from the film....... or something on youtube..... and sometimes, on a very sad day just by thinking of it.....
Yes, and I also wonder WHY this magical film has this powerful impact on all of us. ???
I still have no answer though.......
Hi Gina! Welcome aboard!!!
That "tugging" will taper down at some point. When? it may take a while... ::) It may happen when you've gone through every nook and cranny of the the story/film and how they relate to the nooks and crannies of your life.
It's a terribly sad story and somehow it becomes a reflection of our own sad stories, our regrets, our fears, our longing for love.
So hang in there, read all you can about it and try to see why it affects you so much. It's may be a painful journey but you will find love, acceptance and tenderness along the way.
Hugs
JJ
This is so true, John John, and it may very well be the reason why this film is so powerful. Or part of the reason, at least.......
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((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Gina )))))))))))))))))))))))))))!!!
You are not alone in crying over and over again..... And not just from seeing the film.....
Thank you for posting. I hope to meet you in many threads at the forum!!
Very welcome!!!!!
Mia
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Hey Jean!!!
Ages since I last saw you around.....how are you doing?
I sweetheart!
I know, I know , I've been a stranger!
Real life is tossing me around like a feather in a wind storm.
In some unconscious way I may trying to keep away from the sadness/lesson of Brokeback.
Since little has change for me since I first saw it, I feel like I failed somehow. I don't want to rehash the pain, so the best way I guess is to stick my head in the sand!!! ;D
Thanks for the greeting!
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Not to veer from the thread, but what did we do before the Internet - and this forum!?
I feel all warm and fuzzy inside from your comments and look forward to more spilling and sharing - it's positively healing, THANKS!
G ;)
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GINA...
welcome. i am sure you have found many intriguing diversions in here, and that is a help. it is good though, to go back to our earliest posts and read our journeys. you will be amazed to find that we were body slammed in much the same way, and that is what drew us here to create and share in this forum.
jack
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Not to veer from the thread, but what did we do before the Internet - and this forum!?
I feel all warm and fuzzy inside from your comments and look forward to more spilling and sharing - it's positively healing, THANKS!
G ;)
I know that I would feel very alone about my reactions to Brokeback Mountain without the Internet, without this forum!
((((((( Hugs ))))))) and thanks back to you for this post!
Mia
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Hey all,
After having been a contentedly by-standing reader for a long while, I feel the need to ask you if I am alone with the particularly unfortunate impact of crying every time I see the film - or even just hear a few bars from the soundtrack – or, sometimes, just thinking of J & E? Does it still break all of your hearts all over again after all this time, or have you found some hardening get-over-it potion?
It just seems to me that you’d be naturally ‘cried-out’ from a certain experience/event/whatever at some stage – but when is that supposed to be with this f****** movie??!? When, if ever, will it release its grip on you?? And if I’m not alone, then please tell me, what this strange and continuing tug is, that this film has on our heartstrings? ‘Cause I truly whish I knew how to shake it (without trying to paraphrase anybody :))!
Thanks for a wonderful ‘lifeline’-site to all of you in the many BBM-threads – I love reading your thoughts!
Gina
Gina,
It is so good to see you come from a "by-standing reader" to a poster and welcome! It will help you in your road to discovery about this film and what it means to you. I know it will help as it has so many who have come before you.
From that very first time I saw the movie two and a half years ago, until this point in my life, the movie has moved me in a way in which I could not have anticipated. I may have been cried out many times in the past, but, the movie and the music still have that affect on my heartstrings. The tears do return, but not with the intensity it did at the beginning, but they appear none the less.
But you know, I do welcome the tears. It reminds me of what the movie did for me and how it affected me, changed me, opened my eyes to so many possibilities that I KNOW I would not have seen, or even thought about had it not been for the lessons this movie taught me. They are not sad tears at this point, but cleansing tears, tears of renewal, tears of hope of the possibilities yet to come, to add to the tears shed in the past, for all that was.
You are never alone here. We, all who have been here in the past, who are here now and those yet to come, all of us are a community, a family. We are all here for each other, to help each and every one of us through what ever stage we are at in our reactions to this movie and what it has done to us and for us.
At the beginning, I, like you, was looking for a "get-over-it-potion". Kept searching for it myself for a long time. I came to the realization, after so many questions asked and so many discussions with so many of my 'family' here, that there just isn't one. I like you wanted to feel better and get past that gut punch and the feelings it evoked. But I realized at the time, that there was not a magic pill. Once I came to this realization, things seemed fall into place, to start making sense, to start hurting less. Each day to be able to deal more and more with the hurt and heart wrench.
I still wonder at what has been created here, what brought us all together, what keeps us here, and what it all means to us and what we mean to each other. It will always be this feeling, and I will always be thankful for it. For the story, the movie, the characters, for all of us here, past and present. It truly is a wonderous thing, and one for which I will always be thankful.
Each person's road is different. Each one's reaction is their own, and takes it's own pace, it's time to play out. Gina, while you are experiencing your journey, and the time it takes, know that all of us are here for you in whatever capacity you want and need. We are a community and a family. This most of all. J & E legacy and story to us.
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Gina,
It is so good to see you come from a "by-standing reader" to a poster and welcome! It will help you in your road to discovery about this film and what it means to you. I know it will help as it has so many who have come before you.
From that very first time I saw the movie two and a half years ago, until this point in my life, the movie has moved me in a way in which I could not have anticipated. I may have been cried out many times in the past, but, the movie and the music still have that affect on my heartstrings. The tears do return, but not with the intensity it did at the beginning, but they appear none the less.
But you know, I do welcome the tears. It reminds me of what the movie did for me and how it affected me, changed me, opened my eyes to so many possibilities that I KNOW I would not have seen, or even thought about had it not been for the lessons this movie taught me. They are not sad tears at this point, but cleansing tears, tears of renewal, tears of hope of the possibilities yet to come, to add to the tears shed in the past, for all that was.
You are never alone here. We, all who have been here in the past, who are here now and those yet to come, all of us are a community, a family. We are all here for each other, to help each and every one of us through what ever stage we are at in our reactions to this movie and what it has done to us and for us.
At the beginning, I, like you, was looking for a "get-over-it-potion". Kept searching for it myself for a long time. I came to the realization, after so many questions asked and so many discussions with so many of my 'family' here, that there just isn't one. I like you wanted to feel better and get past that gut punch and the feelings it evoked. But I realized at the time, that there was not a magic pill. Once I came to this realization, things seemed fall into place, to start making sense, to start hurting less. Each day to be able to deal more and more with the hurt and heart wrench.
I still wonder at what has been created here, what brought us all together, what keeps us here, and what it all means to us and what we mean to each other. It will always be this feeling, and I will always be thankful for it. For the story, the movie, the characters, for all of us here, past and present. It truly is a wonderous thing, and one for which I will always be thankful.
Each person's road is different. Each one's reaction is their own, and takes it's own pace, it's time to play out. Gina, while you are experiencing your journey, and the time it takes, know that all of us are here for you in whatever capacity you want and need. We are a community and a family. This most of all. J & E legacy and story to us.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Linda ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for being here at the forum. For expressing your thoughts so well.
Even if this was a reply to Gina I must say that everything you wrote here has a meaning to me too!
Love!!!!!
Mia
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Bienvenue, Gina!
Beautiful words, Lita!
;) ;)
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Talk about a movie/book having an amazing impact: For people around the world to take time out of their lives to write such beautiful and intimate words, all in the name of helping, guiding and soothing like-minded.
I’m speechless and thankful :)
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Hey Jean!!!
Ages since I last saw you around.....how are you doing?
Yes Jean, what Daniela said!!!
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Hi Gina! Welcome aboard!!!
That "tugging" will taper down at some point. When? it may take a while... ::) It may happen when you've gone through every nook and cranny of the the story/film and how they relate to the nooks and crannies of your life.
It's a terribly sad story and somehow it becomes a reflection of our own sad stories, our regrets, our fears, our longing for love.
So hang in there, read all you can about it and try to see why it affects you so much. It's may be a painful journey but you will find love, acceptance and tenderness along the way.
Hugs
JJ
It IS so wonderful to see you again Jean!! :-*
In some unconscious way I may trying to keep away from the sadness/lesson of Brokeback.
Since little has change for me since I first saw it, I feel like I failed somehow. I don't want to rehash the pain, so the best way I guess is to stick my head in the sand!!! ;D
Thanks for the greeting!
Jean, he fact that you found love, tenderness and acceptance along the way, proves that you are not a failure.
"No man is a failure who has friends".
We are your friends and miss you! :-*
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Welcome Gina, it's always good to see new faces/names here. The spirit of Brokeback lives on.
Linda has put so well what many of us would say to you so I won't soliloquise except to say, ain't no reins on this one , so let the the pieces fall as they will and know that we are all here for you as and when you need.
All the best to you
Andy. :-*
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Hey all,
After having been a contentedly by-standing reader for a long while, I feel the need to ask you if I am alone with the particularly unfortunate impact of crying every time I see the film - or even just hear a few bars from the soundtrack – or, sometimes, just thinking of J & E? Does it still break all of your hearts all over again after all this time, or have you found some hardening get-over-it potion?
It just seems to me that you’d be naturally ‘cried-out’ from a certain experience/event/whatever at some stage – but when is that supposed to be with this f****** movie??!? When, if ever, will it release its grip on you?? And if I’m not alone, then please tell me, what this strange and continuing tug is, that this film has on our heartstrings? ‘Cause I truly whish I knew how to shake it (without trying to paraphrase anybody :))!
Thanks for a wonderful ‘lifeline’-site to all of you in the many BBM-threads – I love reading your thoughts!
Gina
Hello Gina,
You've already read so many wonderful replies.....we all pretty much feel the same..different stages in our lives leaves us with emotions running all over the place....some more than others.
I can't say that after 2 1/2 years that it all stopped....it hasn't , and I know deep in my heart that it will never stop,at least not for me. That tugging we all went thru comes and goes,I think it all depends on what you have going in your life.
The music is haunting and yes it can surely play games with your heart,as music is suppose to....but somewhere in your life it will get less and less frequent..you do harden a bit...I did. You do move on...you do cry less...and then when your life goes thru ups and downs,naturally this creeps back in and you tend to focus again on the movie....I do this as a learning tool... whenever I feel down or lonely,forgotten,or just plain ole feeling sorry for yourself...you focus on what this movie taught you...the REAL reason we all came in here in the first place...and you look at the things that you have..the blessings of good people in here and the friends we all made...you start looking at your life and how much your family all means to you......and then this movie transforms into something so beautiful...and the crying stops....the memory lives on...
This is how I stay focused in my life....all the good things that have happened to me these past 2 1/2 years,outweigh all the bad I had in my past.....it's fuel to my soul...
Am I making any sense?....;D...I can talk a blue streak!
Good luck to you...and please hang in there...I'm so happy you posted...we're here for you,okay?
Nellie
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It makes so much sense, what you’re all saying, and I’m incredibly grateful for all your insight!
The thought of BBM becoming and remaining sort of a constant backdrop or soundboard of one’s life – making sad times sadder and happy times happier – intensifying everything and making you look harder at yourself and your choices ‘and stuff’…? That certainly rings true to me – and I can’t WAIT till the ‘making happy times happier’-period kicks in :D
(I haven't figured out the "Quote"-option yet, but you know who you are)
Ps to Mia: A thousand thanks for your PMs – unfortunately I am too much of a virgin to have access to the Reply-function, but as soon as I’m not, you will definitely hear from me ;)
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Gina, you should be able to send PM's now that you have 5 posts.
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So I can!! Thanks - that's brilliant :D
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hi gina welcome to the forum
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Thanks Marz - I can hardly wait untill I'm a 5-star Obsessed and can repay the favour you have all given me, to some lost Newbie like myself. It's been a huge wave of warmth and acknowlegement that I long to pass on to others, like you've done :)
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well Gina, you definitely are not a virgin any longer here...... ;) :)
just put one post in front of the other.......many hugs to you!
And Linda :-* :-* beautiful post, thank you
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For new members:
The archived thread "How Brokeback Affected Me" is located here:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0)
I also made a video of my all-time favorite post on the forum:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfyMsGz6WLU (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfyMsGz6WLU)
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I'm on it! Thanks a bunch!
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And Linda :-* :-* beautiful post, thank you
Thank you ((((Dahlia)))).
I hope to be able to share some of this with you when we meet in Oxford! :-*
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Hi all Brokies...
I just new in this forum, but I read and read and read...until now.
tried to share how brokeback affected me.
Well, some years ago I work as a fashion designer, had some gay friends.
Even though I never think that they were wrong or tried to change them, somehow I thought that it's just about sex.
But after watched Brokeback, I'm completely had a different perception, I can feel it the love that the same as hetero guy have.
Brokeback hit me...Brokeback got me good too.
Thought that God give me chance to feel this feelings, the beauty of love without wall, love is just love...can't say how good it is.
Few weeks ago I saw Shelter movie, sweet.....beautiful and hot as our Brokeback..
Start to collect gay love movie....and guy CD like Rufus...
And Tried to call my gay friends to tell them how sorry I am had a such thinking about them before.
summer63
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as i said in pm (for insurance sake) i hope you find a sweet little movie called A BEAUTIFUL THING. at first i thought... that's sweet, but i have gone back over and over again, because the young actors in it pegged it so well. it isn't the work of art that BBM is, but it must have been made lovingly.
and i hope you find your friends, i know i would love to get such a call.
welcome,
jack
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For new members:
The archived thread "How Brokeback Affected Me" is located here:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0)
I also made a video of my all-time favorite post on the forum:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfyMsGz6WLU (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfyMsGz6WLU)
That's a really beautiful video John!! Jari's words are so heartfelt and expressive, and with so many truths and levels in them. And you made it even more beautiful with the pictures you edited into it!
Thanks for this wonderful link!
And I'm with Dahlia: thanks Linda for your very touching and beautiful post some days ago!!! I think you expressed what a lot of us feel, but don't have the words to say ourselves......
And welcome on board Summer63.
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I just wanted to let everyone know how much I appreciate your kind and wonderful words and reactions to my post. It means so very much to me that I was able to voice what many of you feel. As I told someone earlier, I always feel so vulnerable after having posted something that is so close to my heart and often wonder if it is opening myself up too much.
When I think this, though, I take a page from my own realizations I have come to by being here for 2 1/2 years. That when the time is right, when new thoughts occur, when someone is struggling and has the same questions I had so long ago, that it is time to let them know they are not alone and that there are so many out here who have the exact same thoughts and feelings. I am always met with such love and openness, that I realize I should never worry about being too vulnerable. I was always met with such open arms, that I know it is important to pass those open arms along to everyone else "to pay it forward".
The teachings I learned by seeing this movie and taking so many of these to heart and changing those things in my life that needed changing is what it is all about, for me at least. Being here and being able to share with so many wonderful people, has been such a positive part of my life. I don't go back and wonder what my life would have been like without all this, the movie, the story, the characters, this forum, all you people. I just am so thankful that my life is what it is today. For this I thank all of you, old and new.
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I'm new to this blogging experience, and I'm going to have to figure out how to add things into my profile, including my pic.
I finally got up the nerve to watch Brokeback. I'd been delaying watching it since it came out. I was afraid I'd start crying and would never stop. Those fears weren't far off. The movie is still with me in every waking moment, and it's been over a week since I watched it.
I read the story the next day. I have a new favorite saying: "if you can't fix it, you've got to stand it". It's the story of my life. What I did not expect from watching the movie was the incredibly strong theme, which transcends any sexual orientation: it is POINTLESS to live your life in fear.
Ennis was terrified of being beaten to death by a tire iron if he and Jack set up a ranch together. And after reading the story, it's obvious that he believes that that is exactly how Jack died. Not an exploding tire: a tire iron. But exploding tire or tire iron, the result was the same. One of them was dead and gone. Instead of spending 20 years together, they wasted time separately in pretend lives with only a few snatched moments of happiness. It painfully reminded me of a great love affair in my past.
It really got to me in the book that what Jack missed the most when he was away from Ennis was just simply being held.
If just ONE person who saw this movie was changed, to me it was a MONUMENTAL event, whether the viewer became more aware of the crap that we have to go through as homosexuals or they realized that they needed to stop living in fear in their own lives.
I had no idea that I'd be so effected.
As for me, I'm excited for the first time in years about what my life will bring. I'm starting by traveling 180 miles north of the tiny town I'm living in to actually find some other guys like myself. I can't wait to see what actually comes of my renewed outlook on life. I'm will NOT spend the rest of my life mourning over a postcare and a bloody shirt.
Ciao!
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i can't speak to what you will find traveling 180 miles, and i do hope you will test the waters carefully. shit still happens. i CAN tell you that whole new worlds and a vast compendium of knowledge and experience await you in this forum (this is a forum rather than a blog). i don't know if you noticed the sheer size of the forum, or the number of members, but let me assure you the lingering effect of BBM is not unique to you. and we aren't the only such forum, just the largest.
i hope you will consider time spent reading and writing in the forum not time additionally wasted, but the operating manual for that new life you want to live.
welcome...
jack
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^^^^^^^ What Jack said
Welcome Riskay411
Sal ;D
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Welcome riskay!!
If you feel touched and impacted by watching BBM, this is the place to be! Here are so many members whose life changed totally from the day the saw the film, and who have discovered new sides of themselves and of life.
As for me, I still can't get it out of my head, I think of it constantly, and it's been a year since I saw it first. And this forum is also my first experience with posting and sharing on the internet.
So you are truly not alone on this as jack said, and I'm sure you will find support and love here while doing your personal BBM journey.
Sonja
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Very, very welcome Summer 63 and Riskay411!
((( hugs )))
Mia
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A warm welcome from me too, to Gina, summer63 and Riskay411! :)
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WELCOME...Riskay, Gina, and Summer...;D
I just wanted to add to the welcomes here,so glad you found us....like so many have said already,please find the time to read this thread and the original that is archived....so much to read,so much to feel and think about.
I want to wish you all the luck in the world...this movie has affected so many from all over the world..all different backgrounds,and all types ,gay,straight, and bi.....whoever you are and what experiences you've had or what type of education you've mastered into your lives....there's one thing we all have in common.... and that's happiness...love...a need to be held and understood...to be free with our soul and what's in our hearts.
I saw this movie in January of 2006...let me tell you...it will be forever in my heart. Even though that gut punching feeling has left somewhat...and I'm not as obsessed....it has turned my life around..my whole concept on life and how I want to live it...not sweating the small stuff and counting my blessings....it's a sweet life.
Much luck in everything you decide to do...and be careful always,we'll be here for you....
Nellie
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First of all I’d like to welcome Summer & Riskay! You are only a fraction of a second newer than I am to posting here, but I want to take heed of one of Linda’s many beautiful words (thanks!) and ‘pay it forward’, so that you may feel the same wave of love, acceptance, support and understanding as I did only a few days ago after my first posting :)
Another advice I have taken to heart (thanks Jack!), is reading as many threads from the beginning as possible, especially the archived “Impact”-thread – and I can only pass on the advice!!
Having read all this, one thing still puzzles me, though (Man, do I hope I didn’t miss the magic answer somewhere and are about to make a complete fool of myself!!):
Why doesn’t everybody get hit by BBM like this forum’s members – it seems to me, that we cover all demographics; geography, gender, age, sexual orientation – so why us, and not the rest?
Why does THIS short story/movie hit us like no other piece of text or film has?
Speaking for my myself, it can’t be solely marked down to gay peoples plight, however tragic that is in some places – I’ve been a sucker for tragic literature, film & music all my life (and you all know what a world of human suffering, pain, horror and heartbreak that contains), and NOTHING has broken my heart like this. Ever.
So why do I keep crying over BBM, and not over 'One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich', 'Breaking the Waves', 'Lilja 4-ever', 'Sons and Lovers', 'Dido & Aeneas' and all the rest? Are J & E’s fates that much crueller than that of millions of other people’s through the times – torture, war, slavery etc etc? I think not. Then why THIS, and not the rest? Why US, and not the rest? Is it US that’s different from everyone else - how and why? Or is it BBM that’s different from everything else – how and why?
While hoping for a quick, clear-cut answer, I’m dreading being blind to the perhaps apparently obvious,
Yours, G ;)
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Why doesn’t everybody get hit by BBM like this forum’s members – it seems to me, that we cover all demographics; geography, gender, age, sexual orientation – so why us, and not the rest?
Jari answered that question once, think it was in the Diner:
They haven't seen the light!
;) :-* :-*
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Gina
I think it is all about resonance.
The people who get the film have or have had a particular sense of yearning in their heart and soul. A yearning for something missing, something that many did not know was missing conciously. Not that they were all sad, desperate or unhappy - often far from it. Some dragged this big heavy weight behind them, getting on with their life, others were just dealing with it.
But when they saw the film, the emotional impact of the love, the sense of time passing and loss triggered this "gut punch" that many experienced. The film had this curious ability to linger in the heart and mind very strongly for days afterwards, many did not know what this meant, because they had never experienced anything like it before; going back to the film time after time, to work out what was going on; trying to find the things inside themselves that caused all this pain, anguish, joy, major conflicting emotions.
On a very simple level for gay men and women whose motivations for a relationship were far beyond sex, this film echoed some of what they themselves felt after having found that "true" love earlier in their lives and then lost it. Or echoed that longing they felt while searching for a proper love in their earlier lives but had given up looking. However, at a basic level the powerful love story in the film touched many, many people beyond that gay audience - there are many, many straight women in the forum who find resonance in their lives and relationships in the film, and there have been several straight men too.
One of my greatest life lessons, was fully understanding something that was laid out to me in the past. There is an old english adage "Don't judge other people by your own yardstick" - which basically means that one shouldn't expect other people to think or respond to things in the way you would, because they just don't. Look around you, most people do not think they same as you, don't emote the same as you, don't have your life experiences, don't have the same pressures and joys as you - so why would they react or respond to anything in the same way as you. Some do not analyse, do not think about stuff at all, do not have any deep emotions, do not think forwards or backwards. It is the human condition that we are all so different.
So simply, others do not get it, just because they don't get it. No rhyme or reason. Revel in being amongst like minded people (for the most part) here, it is a distillation of the general populous, you won't find it elsewhere.
N
xxx
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well said, nick.
as an old geezer who is perhaps, thanks to the internet, a little better informed than the average run of senior citizens, i am still mystified at this groundswell of interest in same sex pairings amongst the young, which may not have been STARTED by BBM, but was certainly given a heckuva boost. spend anytime on google or youtube, particularly the latter, and there are endless videos and playlists of gay themed movies, dares and montages of same sex kisses, and the majority are by young(ish) women. it seems many teens now screen their boyfriends by whether they will kiss another boy for them.
what is becoming of old fashioned homophobia? ;)
maybe it is the MTV generation...
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First off: HELLO and WELCOME to all of the newbies on here. It is lovely to have fresh-blood arrive to re-awaken this wonderful thread. And whilst I am at it: Hi to the old hands as well. And to my own personal collection of VERY SPECIAL men, a warm & tight-hugging HI.
To Riskay, especially, I wish you well in your journey north, and do hope that you might find the start of that new life there; but for all that you know, your new life might very well be in your own town -- but I understand the wariness or possible "RISKiness" of even "looking" in some small places.
Now to Gina's question which prompted me to come back to post after almost a year of silence and grieving:
Having read all this, one thing still puzzles me, though (Man, do I hope I didn’t miss the magic answer somewhere and are about to make a complete fool of myself!!):
Why doesn’t everybody get hit by BBM like this forum’s members – it seems to me, that we cover all demographics ...
Yours, G ;)
Gina: this is the question which I have been interested to explore, almost from the time of my first postings in the original of this thread.
Over the past couple of years, at least a dozen people, perhaps many more, have posted in that original thread on the issue. At one time I had planned to go back through them all AGAIN -- to extract and summarise them, to see if "the" magic COMPLETE answer might emerge from such a process. However after having taken a couple of years out of life because of the devestation which this film and its aftermath caused in my life, I have never got around to doing so.
For myself, I felt that it was something to do with our own personal emotional make-up; which made us more attuned to the film's messages.
You have already heard mention of our wonderful BORIS / Jari; who has an outstanding mind.
One of his posts on this topic in that original thread was to the effect that he thought that it was the TIMING which was crucial. That is: each of us who was overcome by this film was at a TIME or stage in our life, when we were OPEN to one or more of the underlying messages of the film -- and I do believe that there are MANY messages embedded within it -- for any one of a number of possible personal reasons.
But another thing which I have felt as posters in here have grabbed at someone's attempt to explain it -- when that attempt has not grabbed me at all -- is that it is very likely that there will be different reasons for many of us, which bear no relationship to the reasons which apply to other people.
For myself, I had embarked in the year or so before the advent of the film, on a voyage attempting to understand my CHANGING self better -- at the instigation of a wonderful psychologist. In the context in which that advice had been given to me, when I saw the film advertised and raved about by certain reviewers who I trusted greatly, the film had a tremendous impact -- seemingly a negative one in the horse-kick which it gave me. After nursing the pain of that kick for several months I started internet surfing on the topic and fortunately found this board, and the original of this thread. Within weeks I had found a new and unsought LOVE in here; which turned into heartbreak within a few weeks, which I have still not recovered from. Fortunately, in the meantime, I had also found KINDRED SOULS in here, who I commune with almost every day; and who nurture something special inside of me with every message between us.
I would encourage each newbie to chat with others via the PM facility -- when you have access to it -- so for Riskay, for example, I'd encourage you to post at least 4 more messages - however brief, to give you access to that facility. As I understand it, you can RECEIVE PMs from everyone else, but are unable to REPLY to them until you have 5 posts at least. It was through such private chatting that I "found" my very special new friends in here. May you find your own kindred souls in a similar way.
Again, I bid you all welcome, and hope that there might be something in this note to help you in some small way.
Best wishes: JohnnyX.
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Welcome riskay and Gina, nice to have you here, and as you can already see, many people here know and understand exaclty what you are experiencing right now..........stay with us! :) :)
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You have already heard mention of our wonderful BORIS / Jari; who has an outstanding mind.
One of his posts on this topic in that original thread was to the effect that he thought that it was the TIMING which was crucial. That is: each of us who was overcome by this film was at a TIME or stage in our life, when we were OPEN to one or more of the underlying messages of the film -- and I do believe that there are MANY messages embedded within it -- for any one of a number of possible personal reasons.
I have also been thinking about this a lot. WHEN in life we met this story. Nearly a year before this obsession began Brokeback Mountain was broadcasted on one of the movie channels. I tried to see it but couldn't focus. I was interrupted and I didn't see it to the end. Many things were then going on in my life. And I just couldn't take it in. Until that day 8 months ago....
Very nice to meet you, JohnnyX!!!! And thanks for your post.
Hugs!
Mia
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what is becoming of old fashioned homophobia? ;)
maybe it is the MTV generation...
:D :D :D
i can't explain that either, jack. it is a mystery to me. the only thing that i can sense in most of those girls and women is that they have such a deep longing for real, honest love.
but well, i'd better not complain - it might be the fertile ground in which a new generation grows up...and one day, hopefully, homphobia is a word that most people don't even know any more. :)
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The way I grew up I don't understand the consept of homophobia.....
And I am 51 years old!
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The way I grew up I don't understand the consept of homophobia.....
And I am 51 years old!
Young'un! :-* :-* :-*
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I have to say that I was very moved by TriggerHippie's words. I also want to welcome the newcomers to the rooms. It never ceases to amaze me that there are new folks discovering the story and this forum. I wonder how many more are out there who are still apprehensive about renting that video for fear of finding too much about their own selves. To me the first reason I came here sometimes back was not so much as to find others who shared the same feelings about the film as to find out why the film had caused such effects on me. I was throughly mesmerized. I remember staying up all night reading all the posts...remember too that in those early days there were more critiques and supposition about the Oscar shot etc. Many of those posts were very informative. I still wish they would return and offer more insights to the psychology of things.
I haven't written much in here...just not as articulate as lots of you. At 40 something I do identify with the sense of loss and opportunity not taken, but I can't fix it so I'm going to have to stand it.
Thanks guys (and gals) for keeping the flame alive. I'll try to chime in more often.
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How blessed am I, having all you guy’s insights to draw upon! Grateful as always :)
And at 45, my homophobia-experience is nonexistent like Mias – but growing up with an openly gay school principal and ditto MPs etc will do that, I suppose.
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I haven't written much in here...just not as articulate as lots of you. At 40 something I do identify with the sense of loss and opportunity not taken, but I can't fix it so I'm going to have to stand it.
Thanks guys (and gals) for keeping the flame alive. I'll try to chime in more often.
Please do. Come here more often ((Romeo))
And a warm welcome to all the newcomers!!
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The way I grew up I don't understand the consept of homophobia.....
And I am 51 years old!
I was raised the same way......... 52 here!
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The way I grew up I don't understand the consept of homophobia.....
And I am 51 years old!
I was raised the same way......... 52 here!
Same for me at 56 with having a very best friend whom I have known since grade school who is gay.
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is it possible that 10 years makes SO MUCH difference, or could it be, at least in some cases, that the bUllying and threats and legal harassment just was never mentoned much in straight circles... even by gay friends?
god knows i had black friends and they hardly ever mentioned in mixed company what happened to them if they were on the wrong block at the wrong time, or the unintended hurts from nice but unconsciously racist people like my mother. i know when i would bring up gay bashing or workplace discrimination to my straight friends, even very good ones, they mostly pointed out minor victories but never addressed the "lynchings" or police mistreatment right under ourr noses. walking while gay is STILL nearly as dangerous as driving while black in some neighborhoods.
ETA: sorry wandering a bit OT
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is it possible that 10 years makes SO MUCH difference, or could it be, at least in some cases, that the bUllying and threats and legal harassment just was never mentoned much in straight circles... even by gay friends?
god knows i had black friends and they hardly ever mentioned in mixed company what happened to them if they were on the wrong block at the wrong time, or the unintended hurts from nice but unconsciously racist people like my mother. i know when i would bring up gay bashing or workplace discrimination to my straight friends, even very good ones, they mostly pointed out minor victories but never addressed the "lynchings" or police mistreatment right under ourr noses. walking while gay is STILL nearly as dangerous as driving while black in some neighborhoods.
ETA: sorry wandering a bit OT
I am sorry to have to agree with you, Jack. I am 54 and gay and living in the Netherlands, a fairly tolerant society. I have grown used to always being alert in the street. Especially the last years, the second and third generations of Muslim immigrants have been very hostile towards gays (and women). As long as our society tolerates them to be intolerant.....
Art
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Well I have always grown up with generalised and often overt homophobia, although this is mostly what I call social homophobia, where references to "queers", "queens", "shirtlifters" etc etc is used with a sneer or disdain, but rarely violence or intimidatation, but I honestly wouldn't want test it, despite the UK being "tolerant" in societal terms.
Personally since coming out I have met no negativity to me as a person, but I have always kept myself to myself and will not generally publicise the fact that I am gay. I am not out at work, for two reasons: my private life is exactly that, private and is no one else's business; I made a judgement that my environment at work is full of what I would consider unenlightened or unenlightenable people, so why complicate matters.
Cowardice? Maybe! Pragmatism? Definitely. Searching for the easiest life? Abso-friggin-lutely!
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brokeback hasn't affected me it keeps affecting me on a daily basis i never stop thinking about it!
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I am not out at work, for two reasons: my private life is exactly that, private and is no one else's business; I made a judgement that my environment at work is full of what I would consider unenlightened or unenlightenable people, so why complicate matters.
Cowardice? Maybe! Pragmatism? Definitely. Searching for the easiest life? Abso-friggin-lutely!
Each person can only do what is right for them, and I wouldn't call the fact that you are not out at work "cowardice". I believe you are being too hard on yourself for that. By your own admission, the people there are not the most opened minded, so why expose yourself to what could become a harsh working environment by coming out?
I work in a very relaxed environment, and am definitely out at work. My cubicle is covered with Brokeback momentos, a BBM calendar, and pics of my fellow Brokies at various gatherings. (Rob is up in my cubicle about 6 times ;) )
One thing that I've noticed is that it may be helping other people to become more accepting. My coworkers always come to ask about my trips, and have even seen Brokeback at my suggestion (even borrowed my DVD). They even ask about "terms" they've heard and ask for clarification. I try to tread very carefully with those. :D :D :D
I consider that "Brokeback's affect on others".
;D
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Post 50,000 for me, in this thread, because the movie's affect on me started a whole chain of events, that broke me from old patterns, and into a new life.
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi54.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fg116%2FCellarDweller115%2Ftattoo4.jpg&hash=a52834bfa0f9d71dc749001defe8ea8da1aa8de7)
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Thanks Chuckie...
I love hanging in your little box!
;D
(It would take me all day to write about the many things Brokeback Mountain has done to change (and continue changing) my life!!!)
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Post 50,000 for me, in this thread, because the movie's affect on me started a whole chain of events, that broke me from old patterns, and into a new life.
Same here, buddy!!
Congrats on 50,000 and see you next week!!! ;D
John
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Looking forward to it, buddy!
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Post 50,000 for me, in this thread,
:-* :-* :-*
(((Chuck)))
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brokeback hasn't affected me it keeps affecting me on a daily basis i never stop thinking about it!
What she said!!!!!
How true this is!!!!
BBM is always in my thoughts!!!
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Post 50,000 for me, in this thread, because the movie's affect on me started a whole chain of events, that broke me from old patterns, and into a new life.
Congrats Chuck!!!!!!
50000....... wow, that really is something...!!!!!! ;) ;)
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It is just, really, really, really, really, really gassy!
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as you will find out in person next week ::)
**Nick runs from thread***
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brokeback hasn't affected me it keeps affecting me on a daily basis i never stop thinking about it!
What she said!!!!!
How true this is!!!!
BBM is always in my thoughts!!!
thanks! :)
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You're welcome! :)
I'm always so happy when someone expresses exactly what I feel...... :-* :-*
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I was lucky enough to be able to see Brokeback Mountain just 3 days ago, and I have not stopped crying since. Every time I hear the music from the movie, it triggers some sort of overwhelming reaction within me. Even eye drops won't help the redness and puffiness in my eyes, and I'm not sure I want them to. It is sort of a testament as to what this movie has meant to me. Even as I write this, I am still wiping tears from my eyes. I feel as if I could write a million pages worth of things about this movie but, honestly, anything I could write wouldn't do it justice. It is all feelings....wonderful, sad, exciting, sorrowful, unending feelings. I just can't believe a "movie" could affect someone this entirely and this deeply. It has truly changed my life. Somehow, the grass seems greener, the smell of the air seems sweeter, and all of the other problems of life seem so much less important. It is so amazing when you actually find "that" person.....like the scene when Ennis gets up from the camp fire and walks into the tent. It is at that very moment you begin to realize-- "Oh my God, I'm in Love". This is exactly what everyone in the world should feel;-----that crazy, scary, unbelievable rush of knowing true LOVE in it's most pure form.....no boundaries, no limits, no end.
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Every time I hear the music from the movie, it triggers some sort of overwhelming reaction within me.
The same thing happens to me, and I was lucky enough to see the movie 2 1/2 years ago.
Welcome to the forum :)
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Thank you, BayCity John.....It's nice to be here.
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You're welcome.
This is a good thread to read. It goes back to them earlier days when everyone was feeling like you do now:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0)
We also have a site map here:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8878.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8878.0)
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Thanks, I'll read it right now.
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Yeah, you're right....It's like me (for the first time) all over again. Thanks, John
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Sean, if you like to travel, we're having a gathering in August in Los Angeles. There will probably be over 100 of us there to watch Brokeback Mountain at the Samuel Goldwyn Theatre. The movie needs to be seen on the big screen.
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=27940.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=27940.0)
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Well I have always grown up with generalised and often overt homophobia, although this is mostly what I call social homophobia, where references to "queers", "queens", "shirtlifters" etc etc is used with a sneer or disdain, but rarely violence or intimidatation, but I honestly wouldn't want test it, despite the UK being "tolerant" in societal terms.
Personally since coming out I have met no negativity to me as a person, but I have always kept myself to myself and will not generally publicise the fact that I am gay. I am not out at work, for two reasons: my private life is exactly that, private and is no one else's business; I made a judgement that my environment at work is full of what I would consider unenlightened or unenlightenable people, so why complicate matters.
Cowardice? Maybe! Pragmatism? Definitely. Searching for the easiest life? Abso-friggin-lutely!
Nick, you ain't no coward. Our private lives are special to us. Life is so much easier when we don't feel like we need to stand up on some hill and proclaim that, "we are gay, get over it". Hell, most of those we think we need to proclaim to look at us, shrug, and mumble, "so?".
Brad
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Thanks John, I would love to but I'm afraid that my time schedule might not permit it. I would love nothing more than to be there among all of you....I bet that we would need a bucket for all of our tears. You know what.........I'll see what I can do....This is just as important as making money; if not more so.
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So, when I arrive, should I ask for BigCityJohn........... :) :) :)
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I apologize..........BayCityJohn.....not bigcity
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Tell you what Sean... If you can make it, I'll give you a free ticket to the movie.
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You would do that for me? Thanks!! I'm not sure how much they cost because I am on the East Coast in Sarasota, FL...but I would surely buy you a drink or two afterwards
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Tickets are only $ 5.00, I bought a few extras for latecomers ;D
We have a couple of members coming from Florida already.
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Wow, that is not expensive at all....I was thinking that it would be much more...............I would love to be there...what is the August date for the screening?
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August 4. It's on a Monday, but most of us are going to be there for the weekend.
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ok then....count me in, ....and thanks for the replies . At some point, we should discuss the movie further.
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Even though I have the theme playing as I am typing this, I am not sure I will be able to hold "it" together during the screening. I am not a baby or a kid, but this movie opens up doors that I thought were long since closed.
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You don't have to hold "it" together.
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Welcome Sean. So glad you could see the movie and so glad you found us here.
Take all the time you need and ask anything you want!!!
Linda
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Tickets are only $ 5.00, I bought a few extras for latecomers ;D
We have a couple of members coming from Florida already.
yup, sean... one of them would be me, your neighbor down in ft myers. welcome to the forum. we all know how you feel. find a way to go to LA... i promise you won't regret it (other than needing more eye drops).
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passing thought... i wonder how many air miles this forum 's members have logged in the past 2.5 years ???
the number must be staggering.
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Welcome Sean. So glad you could see the movie and so glad you found us here.
Take all the time you need and ask anything you want!!!
Linda
Thank you, Linda, I was a bit emotional the night I was talking with BayCityJohn. I had just seen the movie in it's entirety on (Ve*h.c*m) (can't say here) I have to say that it still has "that" effect on me even as I write this. The good thing, however, is that I have managed to control to water flow..lol....but only after several days. I guess it is just one of those things that hits home like you never expect that it would or could!! It was a nice surprise, though. Not many movies, films, or even real life can do that much anymore. Seems we're all just caught up in meaningless B.S.........except, of course, for all of us. I think all of the people in this forum still believe that there is actually true love out there;.. 100% I know I do. I have been lucky enough to have "it" a few times in my life...but as I grow older (at 34) , I realize, maybe the most important lesson of all was not just the great sex, or the money, but rather the feelings that were attached to the ones you loved....and those who loved you!!
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passing thought... i wonder how many air miles this forum 's members have logged in the past 2.5 years ???
the number must be staggering.
Thanks Jack....that's an awful nice sentiment.......I plan to make it there to see it on the big screen!!
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welcome sean, always nice to see new fans on the forum :)
Marz
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Thank you Marz...nice to see you!!!'
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its equally nice to see the relatively new members step up and welcome the newest arrivals. it means the magic of the forum, and by extension the movie, is still going strong.
jack
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Even though I have the theme playing as I am typing this, I am not sure I will be able to hold "it" together during the screening. I am not a baby or a kid, but this movie opens up doors that I thought were long since closed.
Welcome Sean, sometimes in order to grow we have to open those doors ;)
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I have been lucky enough to have "it" a few times in my life...but as I grow older (at 34) , I realize, maybe the most important lesson of all was not just the great sex, or the money, but rather the feelings that were attached to the ones you loved....and those who loved you!!
You could not have put it any better Sean. This is a lot of what it is all about here as you will find out!
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In the last 3 weeks BBM has invaded my life and I don't really understand it. I made a slow start - watched rental dvd when it first came out, missed a great deal of dialogue (I'm English), loved bits of it but was slightly disappointed with it as a whole. Then last month I recorded it from tv and watched it with subtitles and am now becoming quite proficient at Wyoming drawl! I've bought the dvd and am now completely addicted - but still you know all about that. I'm in love with both of them, watch SNIT over and over and agree that it is the most moving and sexy love scene I've ever seen portrayed, and the escapist in me keeps a separate little film safely in my mind which ends one second before Aguirre's binoculars.
I could go on a long time but don't want to bore you all - I've read a lot of pages on this forum and know that just about everything which I would comment on or question must have been covered at some point. But what I haven't seen much about is Heath Ledger's death - have the postings been removed? Because it does seem to me to be inevitably relevant to my own reactions at this point to the film. When parts of it seem almost unbearable I can say to myself, 'However beautifully presented, this is art, not about people who actually exist', in order to distance myself slightly from it (and I recognise that this is probably a healthy thing to do). But then I look at Heath and think 'But this beautiful man is dead', and it can't help but add poignancy to the film as a whole, whatever one's reactions were when it first came out.
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Hello Cally!
Welcome to the forum, and thank you for posting up your feelings! You've found a great place.
As for posts about Heath's death, they've not been removed. We only allow threads to go on for 500 pages. If they go longer, it slows down the forum's performance. Comments about Heath's untimely death are in threads that have been archived, and are "read only" now.
However, if you still want to comment about Heath and his passing, and how it's affected you, that's fine, and you can do it in two differen threads.
Here is a link to "Planet Heath". This thread has many pics of Heath posted, and it's just general chit chat. Many members will go there and post that they still miss Heath. The link will take you to the first page, just click the number of the last page, and you'll see the most recent comments.
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=30193.0
This is a link to the "Let's Get Serious About Heath" thread. It's where more indepth conversations go on about Heath and his movies, his life and how his death have affected people. The link will take you to the first page, just click the number of the last page, and you'll see the most recent comments.
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=26371.msg995358#msg995358
hope to see you in the threads, the Heathens are always happy to see new people coming, and talking about Heath.
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Welcome Cally!
And thank you for coming here, for posting. You sure didn't bore me. :) :) :)
Hope to see you again on threads.
Big hugs
Mia
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hello welcome the forum
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Bienvenue Cally! ;)
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Thanks and merci!
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Welcome Cally :)
This is a link to the archived thread "Farewell To Heath" that was started on January 22.
It's a very difficult thread to read as it brings back a lot of pain, but there are a lot of nice comments along with the sorrow, as well as links to other websites and articles.
It's 267 pages long and has been read over 80,000 times.
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=28472.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=28472.0)
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In the last 3 weeks BBM has invaded my life and I don't really understand it. I made a slow start - watched rental dvd when it first came out, missed a great deal of dialogue (I'm English), loved bits of it but was slightly disappointed with it as a whole. Then last month I recorded it from tv and watched it with subtitles and am now becoming quite proficient at Wyoming drawl! I've bought the dvd and am now completely addicted - but still you know all about that. I'm in love with both of them, watch SNIT over and over and agree that it is the most moving and sexy love scene I've ever seen portrayed, and the escapist in me keeps a separate little film safely in my mind which ends one second before Aguirre's binoculars.
Hi Cally and Warm Welcomes!! I'm new like you, and I can only echo the others: you have come to the right place! It has helped me beyond words to find this place and I know it will do wonders for you, too!
Hugs and thoughts from Gina :)
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A friendly, warm welcome Gina and Cally
I'm sure you will find soo many like minded people here!!
Sal ;D
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welcome Cally!
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its equally nice to see the relatively new members step up and welcome the newest arrivals. it means the magic of the forum, and by extension the movie, is still going strong.
jack
You could say that again, Jack!!!!
Just coming back home from Oxford I can agree to that times a million!!!!
The magic of the movie and this forum are neverending......
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Welcome to the forum, Sean and Cally!!!!!
You have surely found the right place to be after getting hit by BBM!!
We all know how you feel, cause we have all felt the same.....
And this forum is the place to meet like-minded people and get a chance to talk about it and share your feelings.
Just keep on posting, it brings healing in the end!!!
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its equally nice to see the relatively new members step up and welcome the newest arrivals. it means the magic of the forum, and by extension the movie, is still going strong.
jack
You could say that again, Jack!!!!
Just coming back home from Oxford I can agree to that times a million!!!!
The magic of the movie and this forum are neverending......
ahh...
well i remember heading home from NYC and one of the first two nearly simultaneous gatherings that occurred, so long ago. and many of those 13 men are still here. i think the same can be said of the california group that met as well. we were already bi-coastal. ;)
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ahh...
well i remember heading home from NYC and one of the first two nearly simultaneous gatherings that occurred, so long ago. and many of those 13 men are still here. i think the same can be said of the california group that met as well. we were already bi-coastal. ;)
I really remember those early ones too. My first one was in March 2006 in LA, coming from Texas. Not many of those from that group are still here but a few. Now I can proudly say I am on the left coast and still meeting with Brokies fairly regularly! ;)
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Thank you, Linda, I was a bit emotional the night I was talking with BayCityJohn. I had just seen the movie in it's entirety on (Ve*h.c*m) (can't say here) I have to say that it still has "that" effect on me even as I write this. The good thing, however, is that I have managed to control to water flow..lol....but only after several days. I guess it is just one of those things that hits home like you never expect that it would or could!! It was a nice surprise, though. Not many movies, films, or even real life can do that much anymore. Seems we're all just caught up in meaningless B.S.........except, of course, for all of us. I think all of the people in this forum still believe that there is actually true love out there;.. 100% I know I do. I have been lucky enough to have "it" a few times in my life...but as I grow older (at 34) , I realize, maybe the most important lesson of all was not just the great sex, or the money, but rather the feelings that were attached to the ones you loved....and those who loved you!!
Sean, this is so great and you have hit it so well!!! Your thoughts are wonderful. Yes I know that the folks here do believe in true love, in our lives (mine was for 31 years before he was taken too young) and also the love we show all the time here as a community, as a family. I see it here everyday and I know for a fact that the things we get from this movie and the gathering place here on the forum just keep on growing daily. Thanks so much for your great thoughts. Everyday is a revelation here with all the new thoughts!
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In the last 3 weeks BBM has invaded my life and I don't really understand it. I made a slow start - watched rental dvd when it first came out, missed a great deal of dialogue (I'm English), loved bits of it but was slightly disappointed with it as a whole. Then last month I recorded it from tv and watched it with subtitles and am now becoming quite proficient at Wyoming drawl! I've bought the dvd and am now completely addicted - but still you know all about that. I'm in love with both of them, watch SNIT over and over and agree that it is the most moving and sexy love scene I've ever seen portrayed, and the escapist in me keeps a separate little film safely in my mind which ends one second before Aguirre's binoculars.
I could go on a long time but don't want to bore you all - I've read a lot of pages on this forum and know that just about everything which I would comment on or question must have been covered at some point. But what I haven't seen much about is Heath Ledger's death - have the postings been removed? Because it does seem to me to be inevitably relevant to my own reactions at this point to the film. When parts of it seem almost unbearable I can say to myself, 'However beautifully presented, this is art, not about people who actually exist', in order to distance myself slightly from it (and I recognise that this is probably a healthy thing to do). But then I look at Heath and think 'But this beautiful man is dead', and it can't help but add poignancy to the film as a whole, whatever one's reactions were when it first came out.
Welcome Cally, and don't ever think that anything you have to say is boring. You are important to the whole discussion whether you have just arrived or arrived 2 1/2 years ago. I do hope that you continue to post and share your thoughts and feelings with us. It is as important to us as it is to you!!
Welcome again and I hope to see you around soon!
Linda
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Welcome Cally!
And thank you for coming here, for posting. You sure didn't bore me. :) :) :)
Hope to see you again on threads.
Big hugs
Mia
You didn't bore me either, Cally...
Welcome to the forum :)
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Well, it has been a couple of days since I've sent a post. The main reason being that I had to do some 1 on 1 with myself after this movie.
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you come and go in here as you please, sean. we have a revolving door and 24 hour service. given that we are pretty much global, someone is nearly always about.
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Jack....thanks bud.....I guess I feel that I shouldn"t abandon anyone.......Especially those who have helped me through this "unusual" time. Your response is greatly appreciated!!!
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Well, thank you for the welcome. Where to start though?
I still don't really know what it is in me that the film, and subsequently the SS, has touched (and as I said earlier, it didn't on first viewing). I absolutely understand how it must resonate with gay men, but I don't think I'm affected by any of the issues really. I know that there is a degree of bisexuality in me - I have at times felt strongly attracted to women, though much more frequently to men - but I don't think this has ever caused any great conflict in me, and I know now that at this stage of my life and in a long and happy marriage that I'm unlikely to have any lesbian experience, and that's ok. Nor am I feeling emotionally vulnerable at the moment, except in my reaction to the film.
I've always found the portrayal of homosexual love arousing and seen it as something special. I loved 'the Charioteer' and 'the Last of the Wine' by Mary Renault, and the sweet relationship in 'a Suitable Boy', and was amazed to find out that many women are left cold by it, so it's good to know from this forum that I'm not the only one. It would be interesting to know what the percentage among the population is. All this is something I've never discussed before though often thought about.
I think my reaction to BBM must be from the build-up to and climax of the relationship in the SNIT, the love enduring but never able to reach a secure fulfilment, and the whole unalterable tragedy of it - but with some degree of resolution at the end. And of course my somewhat adolescent falling for Jake and Heath/ J and E. I do so feel for Alma, but I don't want her to have Ennis. I don't even want him for myself, just for Jack!
So here I am, spending far too much time on this forum and watching the dvd, to some extent neglecting my real life - because I do know that BBM is art, not life. I don't know that it's going to last 2 1/2 years with me, but I'm really enjoying the emotional turmoil for the present.
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Cally, there is a large amount of discussion around the area of "gay" themes in works of literature, tv, film etc. here in the forum.
You clearly already have begun to explore such things before coming here, so you may find much to interest you in some areas of the forum which are beyond the BBM only contexts.
Nick
xx
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Cally & Sean, post as frequently or infrequently as needed.
This is a new experience for you, but we are "old hands" at this. We understand the feelings, and we're here to help.
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Sean, so good to see you back and as jack says, there is no timetable, just when you feel the need and want to discuss or just to read. It is good to take the time for yourself, this is an important part of it. But it is good to share here when you want to as well.
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Cally & Sean, post as frequently or infrequently as needed.
This is a new experience for you, but we are "old hands" at this. We understand the feelings, and we're here to help.
that's right - well - we try...welcome! Chris
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I love your post Cally, it is so good and really states what so many of us feel here now and have in the past. It is always what each individual takes from the movie and story and applies to their own life. You are doing this and have stated this so well. The more you discuss the more you will realize what is going on.
Yes you will spend a lot of time here, and as you say it is not real life, but it is good to be here and read and discuss this emotional turmoil in your life. It will be good for you!!! The bonus is joining the great community here and making good friends!
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welcome cally and sean
brokeback affected us all in different ways so you can always talk to anyone about anything you feel about the ss or the film
Marz x
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So here I am, spending far too much time on this forum and watching the dvd, to some extent neglecting my real life - because I do know that BBM is art, not life. I don't know that it's going to last 2 1/2 years with me, but I'm really enjoying the emotional turmoil for the present.
Cally, we have all wondered -- what IS it? Why THIS film? Why do I need to see it over and over? To see some extra bit of affection between the two -- or to see it end differently? I always wanted Jack not to die. Just that -- then SOMETHING would have had to happen between him and Ennis, after the confrontaion on the mountain, despite the torquing.
.... one theory is that those of us affected by the story are the "chipped" pottery -- something about it resonates in our lives, even though we can't say what that might be. After a while, your "Ennis" or "Jack" story may surface in you. For some people this does not happen right away.
And there are so many stories on the forum.
We are roughly half gay men on this forum, and half straight females, with some straight men and otherwise l-bt.
Anybody of any sexuality and/or age can be dumbstruck by BBM, it is an iconic, tragic story. But some of us, it hits harder than others.
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True, this film truly has taken over my life, i talk about it all the time, half my family haven't seen it but they seem to know it off by heart cos i never shut up about it. to me its more then a film, might sound stupid but BBM is a part of my life, thats why i love this forum you guys understand how amazing BBM is
and i probably do spend way to much time on this forum but you know what i don't care!!!
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Welcome to obsession ;)
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thanks!!
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Cally, we have all wondered -- what IS it? Why THIS film? Why do I need to see it over and over? To see some extra bit of affection between the two -- or to see it end differently? I always wanted Jack not to die. Just that -- then SOMETHING would have had to happen between him and Ennis, after the confrontaion on the mountain, despite the torquing.
.... one theory is that those of us affected by the story are the "chipped" pottery -- something about it resonates in our lives, even though we can't say what that might be. After a while, your "Ennis" or "Jack" story may surface in you. For some people this does not happen right away.
And there are so many stories on the forum.
We are roughly half gay men on this forum, and half straight females, with some straight men and otherwise l-bt.
Anybody of any sexuality and/or age can be dumbstruck by BBM, it is an iconic, tragic story. But some of us, it hits harder than others.
Love this post, it's soooooo true!!!
An excellent summary of the whole BBM thing!!!!!
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ahem --
see "how the Dave Cullen Forum affected me"
"How Brokeback Affected me"
"Friends and others' reactions to Brokeback" (clue: usually they don't get it)
But now you have US.
LOL Well, as I said, what about getting on with the rest of my life?
Hope I've mastered the quotes!
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Anyway, what I really wanted was to say that today is my 1 year bbm anniverary!!!!!!!!!
Yeah....!!!!!!
I wanted to post and share something about how this year has been, but I just came home from a journey and am really tired, don't think I can do that tonight....
Just this: this last year has been an emotional roller coaster like nothing else, on many levels..... And it surely isn't over yet...... And I still don't know what the hell happened to me!!!!!
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Happy Anniversary Sonja
Sal ;D
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Oh thanks Sal!! :-* :-*
Glad someone noticed!!!
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Anyway, what I really wanted was to say that today is my 1 year bbm anniverary!!!!!!!!!
Yeah....!!!!!!
I wanted to post and share something about how this year has been, but I just came home from a journey and am really tired, don't think I can do that tonight....
Just this: this last year has been an emotional roller coaster like nothing else, on many levels..... And it surely isn't over yet...... And I still don't know what the hell happened to me!!!!!
Aint no little thing! happy one year. :)
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Happy Anniversary, Sonja!
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LOL Well, as I said, what about getting on with the rest of my life?
Well, who will tell her?
it's all diff now, honey. ;)
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Thanks Ellen and Chucky!!!!!!
No, it really ain't no little thing happening here......
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Sean, so good to see you back and as jack says, there is no timetable, just when you feel the need and want to discuss or just to read. It is good to take the time for yourself, this is an important part of it. But it is good to share here when you want to as well.
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Hey guys, thanks for the replies!.........Linda, I just sent you an e-mail since I saw you were online. Again....you're the best...Thanks always!!
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Hey Cellar, thanks for your comments as well....I love your caption!!
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Oh thanks Sal!! :-* :-*
Glad someone noticed!!!
now sonja...
just because we don't all respond EVERY time doesn't mean we aren't paying attention :P
jack
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as to getting on with the rest of your life...
damn hard to avoid it, it just keeps coming at you.
and i am 2 months shy my 3rd anniversary of this insanity.
jack
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Anyway, what I really wanted was to say that today is my 1 year bbm anniverary!!!!!!!!!
Yeah....!!!!!!
I wanted to post and share something about how this year has been, but I just came home from a journey and am really tired, don't think I can do that tonight....
Just this: this last year has been an emotional roller coaster like nothing else, on many levels..... And it surely isn't over yet...... And I still don't know what the hell happened to me!!!!!
You make sure you get out of that rollercoaster carefully.
:D :-*
N
xxx
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Was going to get started on Jack again, but haven't really got time. Just wanted to say well you all write so well and with such insight. Hope that doesn't sound patronising cos it's certainly not intended to be. I may not always agree, but it's got me thinking along so many new lines. (But sometimes I have to go back to the 'reality' of the book or the film to remind myself what it's all based on.)
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as to getting on with the rest of your life...
damn hard to avoid it, it just keeps coming at you.
and i am 2 months shy my 3rd anniversary of this insanity.
jack
wow thats impressive
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Oh thanks Sal!! :-* :-*
Glad someone noticed!!!
now sonja...
just because we don't all respond EVERY time doesn't mean we aren't paying attention :P
jack
I know, Jack. But it's always so nice to get responce here on this forum. Makes me feel connected.....
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You make sure you get out of that rollercoaster carefully.
:D :-*
N
xxx
Thanks Nick, I will!! :-* :-*
Not sure when it'll ever happen, though..... ::)
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Probably not Sonja, I am still on it 2 1/2 years later :o
Happy Anniversary to you as well. It was a highlight meeting you in Oxford!!
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Probably not Sonja, I am still on it 2 1/2 years later :o
Happy Anniversary to you as well. It was a highlight meeting you in Oxford!!
You too, Linda! :-*
And, I'm not sure I actually want to get off this roller coaster..... :D :D :D
It's very emotional, tears and laughter all mixed together, and I don't want to be without it!!
As I and everyone else has said a million times before.... bbm changes your life, and you sure don't want the old life back again.....
And Oxf added a whole great lot to that....... ;)
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The gatherings are one of the many things that make this whole experience what it is all about!
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Yeah, I understand that now after being to Oxf.....
I'm soooo glad I went!!!
This whole bbm thing is a true gift!!!!!
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I've only been here 2 years and 4 months.
I have been online on the forum for 2,540 hours during that time.
It's no wonder I need new glasses.
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I've only been here 2 years and 4 months.
I have been online on the forum for 2,540 hours during that time.
It's no wonder I need new glasses.
LOL!!
What about a new computer? You're wearing it out!
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But it's always so nice to get responce here on this forum. Makes me feel connected.....
So true. Happy 1st Anniversary Sonja.
Daniela
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Thx (((((Daniela))))))!!!!
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LOL!!
What about a new computer? You're wearing it out!
Already taken care of. I bought a new desktop pc about 3 months ago, and I got a new laptop last month ;D
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Ok, so that part is well taken care of.....
Yes, then I guess all you can do is getting new glasses...... :D :D
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eeek.... :o
2,727 hours
no wonder nothing ever gets done around here.
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got the new laptop, and unfortunately, a new air card, as it seems technology has shifted in the past 6 months. anyone want to buy a nearly new air card of the pcima (?) variety
no new glasses until medicare picks up part of the tab.
ps: i'm still broke, but office depot had a killer sale.
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The past 4 weeks on this forum have touched so many emotions for me - but on a lighter note, every time I turn the house key in the lock, which is quite frequently, I get a little lift of my heart....
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aww thats lovely Cally
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The past 4 weeks on this forum have touched so many emotions for me - but on a lighter note, every time I turn the house key in the lock, which is quite frequently, I get a little lift of my heart....
That's good to hear, Cally!
This forum is such a wonderful place to be when you're suffering post-bbm.
As time goes, you'll find it becomes easier.
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I really hope so! But wouldn't have wanted not to experience it.
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I know what you mean!!
This whole bbm-thing has impacted me and my whole life profoundly, on many levels.
I'm still an emotional wreck..... But I would never want to be without it!!
I see BBM and the forum as a gift......
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Cally, thanks for the post! I'm glad to see you've become more active here!
;D
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I know what you mean!!
This whole bbm-thing has impacted me and my whole life profoundly, on many levels.
I'm still an emotional wreck..... But I would never want to be without it!!
I see BBM and the forum as a gift......
It has been a true gift to so many of us...... I can't imagine my life without it now, the film, the forum, and the friends I have made here in farflung corners of the world. It is something that three years ago I could not have imagined, even in my wildest dreams.
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It has been a true gift to so many of us...... I can't imagine my life without it now, the film, the forum, and the friends I have made here in farflung corners of the world. It is something that three years ago I could not have imagined, even in my wildest dreams.
Honestly, I still don't understand it...... even though I'm in the middle ot it all.....
That a movie has totally changed my life..... that I have kind of an extended family all over the world..... that I'm living a big part of my social life on the internet...... that I have met such friendship and love from people I had no idea existed only one year ago.....
Yeah..... a true gift!!!!
edited to fix quote
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I'm glad to see you've become more active here!
More active?! I thought I was already hyperactive!
But thanks - I like the company.
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It has been a true gift to so many of us...... I can't imagine my life without it now, the film, the forum, and the friends I have made here in farflung corners of the world. It is something that three years ago I could not have imagined, even in my wildest dreams.
Honestly, I still don't understand it...... even though I'm in the middle ot it all.....
That a movie has totally changed my life..... that I have kind of an extended family all over the world..... that I'm living a big part of my social life on the internet...... that I have met such friendship and love from people I had no idea existed only one year ago.....
Yeah..... a true gift!!!!
edited to fix quote
It is amazing, isn't it?
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"Amazing" doesn't even begin to cover it....!!!!!
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"Amazing" doesn't even begin to cover it....!!!!!
agreed!
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The past 4 weeks on this forum have touched so many emotions for me - but on a lighter note, every time I turn the house key in the lock, which is quite frequently, I get a little lift of my heart....
What a great post Cally. It comes from your heart and makes me feel so good, and uplifts mine. Even after all this time, I too get that "feeling" when I have time to log on, knowing that my family here is waiting for me, no matter what time of the day or night, since as sason says, they are from all over the world. Repeating what so many have said, it is still amazing for me day after day.
Thanks, Cally.
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Cally, I've been reading your posts over the past few weeks but just realised I haven't yet welcomed you. So... Welcome! :) I'm glad you found us!
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every time I turn the house key in the lock
I have to admit that when I said that, I was actually referring to 'easily as the right key turns the lock tumblers, their mouths came together', which as you can imagine is a good picture to have in your mind! But all the rest, about enjoying this forum and the anticipation of logging on, is completely true too, and your welcomes have been lovely.
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trust me cally... we knew what you meant. :D
jack
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"Old Brokeback got us good, didn't it?"
Can't even watch weather reports on TV without looking past the weather man at Wyoming and Alberta. Tryin to see "the grey racer out of the west, the bar of darkness driving wind before it..." Then "the purple clouds crowding in" and "the mountains boiling with demonic energy..."
Them weather reports get me every time.
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Don't get much about Wyoming here in the south of England, but when the cold wind blows, as it seems to quite a bit this summer, it takes me straight up to Brokeback - always did love the mountains.
NOT that we don't get some beautiful weather here, I hasten to add.
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Hey Guys (and Girls). It has been some time since my last post. Just wanted to say HI to everyone and to also thank you all for your encouragement. Seems as though more and more people are affected by this movie everyday...and I think we are all the better for it.
Sean
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Hiya Sean! Glad to see ya here!
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Hi Sean!
I'm glad that more people get affected, and that they find this forum! And I agree, I also think we are all the better for it!!
Don't hesitate to be around here and post, we are all here to support each other.... :)
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For the next 2 hours, I sat completely silent watching the most beautiful and real story of my own life as well as the lives of so many other gay men. I suppose you could use the word "vindication"; but I hardly think that would cover it. It was as if our lives were being portrayed on a large screen screen for everyone to see, and I couldn't have been happier!!
That was a big part of the experience for me too.
I remember way back in April 2006, my friend Maureen asked told me she was wondering if I was getting a little 'obsessed' with the movie because I had seen it about 25 times.
I told her that this was the first time in my life that a movie has shown my life, and I was going to enjoy the ride.
I saw it a few more times after that :)
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I could not have said it better myself........
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By the way.....Obsession is only in the eye of the beholder.................meaning........your obsession might be someone else's garbage!! It is only what it means and only what you make of it.
In example...Brokeback Mountain is quite the Pinnacle.......enough said!!
I also told Maureen that I prefer the word "Passionate" over "obsessed"
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Oh my goodness....are you ok?
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Yes it's 12:28 here and I should be sleeping. I have to work in the morning AGAIN.
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I told her that this was the first time in my life that a movie has shown my life, and I was going to enjoy the ride.
great answer!
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I also told Maureen that I prefer the word "Passionate" over "obsessed"
Oh, that's great!! Never thought of that....
That's how I'll define myself from now on: passionate about bbm....
Thanks John!!!
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Hey..good...the site is back up!! What is all this about an attack on the site?
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The forum was hacked by someone from Russia.
Some of the forum software files were altered, allowing the spammers to use our server to spam other sites.
Our web hosting company, PowerVPS, helped us identify the compromised files.
We deleted all of the files on the forum server and replaced them with clean files.
We have also updated the forum software to the latest version today.
The forum database, which holds every post made here since December 2005, appears to be ok. We also have backup copies of the database stored offline.
The attack was random. A lot of forums have been getting attacked in the past couple of months. We weren't targeted because we like Brokeback Mountain. In fact, the spammers probably didn't even look at the site, they just wanted a place to play their games.
If you were logged on the forum on Tuesday before 3 pm Eastern time, you will probably want to run a virus scan on your own computer. I was on early this morning, and I have run a scan on my computer showing no problems. It's always a good idea to run a complete scan whenever you've been to a website that has been attacked.
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Thanks John.....by the way, congrats on the shirt. I can't believe you actually have that. I am just a little jealous...LOL
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Thanks John.....by the way, congrats on the shirt. I can't believe you actually have that. I am just a little jealous...LOL
I won that in the Ebay auction of Brokeback costumes back in Oct 2006.
You can see a lot of fun stuff that members are collecting in the Memorabilia thread:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=10907.msg539058#msg539058 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=10907.msg539058#msg539058)
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Ok, I am completely new here...as I just saw BBM 2 weeks ago today. This film/short story has taken over my life!!! I have see the movie, listened to it in my car, and spent more time on this forum then I can even imagine. Thoughts of the movie/story enter my mind so often...and the feelings rush back! I read everyone's thoughts and responses from over the past 3 years and I am flabbergasted, and at times brought to tears on how much I can relate!
From what I am gathering this is only the beginning.....AND I AM LOVING IT!!
So glad you Brokies are all out there !...as my husband is doing his best to understand :), he has watched clips and audio clips, but has not watched the whole movie with me yet. I think he is just teasing me, making me wait.....He is having fun with all this....It's Brokeback this and Brokeback that...Big smile on my face and him laughing in the other room while I am writing this ;D
...AM from PA
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Another welcome from me. And a smile thinking about your husband... My husband haven't seen it yet. But he is very supportive, he knows that the film is important to me. And that the forum is important.
I look forward to meet you in threads and/or Pm's.
A big hug to you (((((((((((((((( Am )))))))))))))))))
Mia
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Bienvenue AM! ;)
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Welcome again, am!!
Yeah, that's what the movie and this forum do to you, They take over your life....!!
It becomes an obsession and an addiction, that affects your whole life.
That's what has happened to me, and I don't want to be without it!!!!!!
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My husband haven't seen it yet.
Oh god! It is difficult for me to understand this, you know, Mia?
But then again, talking about husbands......Yes am I understand you so well. :) Let us know his reactions when/if he sees it. And send him our love (why not?) and many wishes of good luck, having a brokie in his family :D
And, again, glad to see you here.
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...
So glad you Brokies are all out there !...as my husband is doing his best to understand :), he has watched clips and audio clips, but has not watched the whole movie with me yet. I think he is just teasing me, making me wait.....He is having fun with all this....It's Brokeback this and Brokeback that...Big smile on my face and him laughing in the other room while I am writing this ;D
...AM from PA
Hello am: to my mind you are SOOOO lucky that your husband is willing to go to this extent for and with you. Because of what the film did to me, via my falling in love with a man in this thread, my wife has no interest in the film at all, or in anything about it. However, I must say that she does bring to my attention now, anything about Heath.
Therefore, am, I'd say: love him some more, and value and appreciate him for sharing this with you. And perhaps you had better get him to watch it with you right through, NOW; before you become so expert from your reading that you talk him through all aspects of the entire film. rofl.
AND whilst I am in here, MIA: I send my thanks to you for your lovely reply to my last post, many weeks back; and apologise for my bad manners in not replying more quickly to thank you. You appear to have the lovely and vibrant personality which your avatar shows.
Regards: JohnnyX.
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((((((((((((( JohnnyX )))))))))))))
Thank you so much for your kind words.
:) :) :) :) :)
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part 1-----After this post, I may well be the most hated person on this thread, but here it goes!! After watching the movie for the 8th time, I have begun to notice some striking similarities between the characters in the movie (Ennis & Jack); and myself and my ex- partner.
Jack, it seems, was willing to wear the badge of hope on his shoulder for a great many years; wishing that Ennis might someday realize what he actually had found in Jack.
Although Ennis does not know exactly what it is, he does realize that it is there; otherwise he would not have agreed to meet Jack over the next twenty years.
The way that this relates is the fact that I was involved in a VERY similar relationship in the near past. I met this person (JC) in a bar one evening, brought him home, and we screwed until the cows came home. To me, it was just a trick; until one afternoon about a month later, I was walking up my staircase only to find him waiting at my door. Although it is not quite the same as the Riverton meeting between J & E, it is very close. We hugged and embraced each other; kissing in the narrow staircase, remembering the recent past, then moving into the bedroom. It seemed to be that this was IT!! No longer was this just some one-night stand; this was the real thing. Well, to skip forward; things progressed quite rapidly in the coming months, and it seemed to be quite a healthy relationship.
We had no interest in seeing anyone else, and we didn’t.
All too quickly though, a nasty monster named Jealousy came about within him, and it reared it’s ugly head on many occasions for no apparent reason. Over the next many months, we would see each other secretly in discreet locations so as not to be seen by the general public.
Eventually, he moved in to the house, making many positive changes…but his unobvious homosexuality seemed to control him
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Over the next few months, it became more and more obvious that he was, in fact, just like Ennis. Afraid all of the time; scared of the outside world…etc. After many, many talks with him, trying to make him realize that the world is really not that bad of a place, I finally had to throw in the towel. This is what brings me to the conclusion and also back to the beginning of the story. Jack should have left Ennis that day on the Mountain after uttering the words ”You are too much for me, Ennis!” “Son of a Whore son Bitch!”.
“I wish I know how to quit you.”
It is obvious that he has had the revelation he needed to finally get away from the one person that has caused him so much grief and pain…..but as well as so much Love!!
Please trust me when I say that I don’t think this is the answer for all of us at all, but I do think that, in this situation, for the two of them, it is the best, just as it was for me. Yes, I regret not having him in my life; and I regret it every day, but it was just one of those extremely unpleasant things that had to be done!!
Sean
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Unfortunately part 2 precedes Part 1...They were meant to be in order.....just not in opposite order......LOL
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Well.......I apologize for the wait, however.......I managed to somehow break my foot. I had some friends over at the house and things got a bit rowdy. Needless to say, I am sitting in a posh recovery room at Sarasota Memorial Hospital. (www.smh.com). Thank God for laptops.........I should be touch soon...
Sean
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Please trust me when I say that I don’t think this is the answer for all of us at all, but I do think that, in this situation, for the two of them, it is the best, just as it was for me. Yes, I regret not having him in my life; and I regret it every day, but it was just one of those extremely unpleasant things that had to be done!!
Sean
Over the past 2+ years here I've read quite a few posts by people who also threw in the towel. This was the case with me (a straight woman) and my situation shared many of the same elements as Jack and Ennis': the secrecy, me traveling north for rendez-vous after long separations, his fear of retribution by family and community... I walked away from it and have a good life now. I grieved for Jack that he wasn't able to do the same.
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It is quite sad that I actually have to write that, but thank you for seeing it from my (and your) perspective. This world would be quite a bit better with people like us, if only we were all in "this way"
Sean
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Sean, thanks for sharing this very personal experience with us.
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Thank you also, ING, for the response!!
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Please trust me when I say that I don't think this is the answer for all of us at all, but I do think that, in this situation, for the two of them, it is the best, just as it was for me. Yes, I regret not having him in my life; and I regret it every day, but it was just one of those extremely unpleasant things that had to be done!!
Sean
Sean,
As chapeaugris I can relate to your story. I too thrown in the towel, 34 years ago now. You can read back my story by clicking om my name on the left and select recent posts. My first friend and I were struggling with the gay-thing. After almost two years of secrecy and denial, I came to the insight that my life would be that of a gay man. He was not that far, kept a girlfriend for the world, slept with me, and said that he might be a bit bi-sexual at the most. I could not go on like that, and let the thing die a silent death, as we say in Holland. At the other hand, he was there in some of the most beautiful moments of my life. I am gratefull to him, he could not help his attitude at that moment. Years later, he visited us with his new friend: openly gay. There is still a soft spot for him in my heart. And I sometimes think about questions as 'What if I met him now?', and 'What would have happened if he had been openly gay from the beginning?'. Lost but not forgotten....
Art
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((Art))... :'(
And: long time no see!
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Please forgive me for being a bit emotional........I am just getting over this "bullshit"........he was young.........I should have known better..blah blah
Sean
LOL
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((Art))... :'(
And: long time no see!
((ING)) :)
Still lurking from timt to time! Comment tu vas?
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Très bien - hope the same for you, friend!
We miss (((you))) / I miss you in the Diner! ;)
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Things happened, I was busy, have my doggie now: not much time. See you in the diner!
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Things happened, I was busy, have my doggie now: not much time. See you in the diner!
Am looking forward to it !! ;)
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Oh Sean, I am so terribly sorry that this has happened to you dad. Mine just had a massive stroke in April. The outcome was not goo, but with today's advances I know that he is getting the BEST of medical care.
My prayers go you to your day and you and your family. Just be there for him, as I know you are, but also take care of yourself as well.
Many hugs ((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))
There is also a thread in which to discuss family with chronic illnesses here
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=10229.0
I will be thinking of you and your dad daily and in my prayers!!
Please keep us posted in this other thread and how YOU are doing too!!!!!
Linda
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welcome here am!
(((((((((((Sean)))))))))))
My thoughts are with you, your family, and and your dad at this time.
thanks for sharing your story with us too.
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(((((Sean)))))
So sorry to hear about your dad. I hope you and your family will be able to support each other and him at this difficult time.
And, you really don't have to apologize for not being on the forum!! There is nothing compulsory in being here! :D
This is a place where you come when you feel like it, and stay as long as you want. And, of course, when this is happening in your family, you'll have less time for the forum.....
But we will all be here for you when you do come!
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It is quite sad that I actually have to write that, but thank you for seeing it from my (and your) perspective. This world would be quite a bit better with people like us, if only we were all in "this way"
Sean
sean...
i have walked away from two ennis's over the course of the past 45 years. loved em both, and they both loved me, but they were stuck, and like jack, i was not. i have had no happy ending, but i HAVE had a life, and, subjectively speaking, i don't think either of them did. i ALWAYS held that jack was about to move on, but his poor judgment rose up to end his life en route.
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It's been awhile since I've been in this thread but I just returned from the LA Screening at the AMPAS and posted the following upon my return. Someone over in the LA Screening thread suggested I share it here, too:
Good morning Brokies. I write this on the plane ride back home from the LA Screening. I simply could not wait to express my experience with the particular screening.
First of all, thanks to all who kept us all informed of the event and made arrangements on our behalf. This is the 3rd screening post theater run that I’ve been able to attend (Bay City, SF, LA) and enjoyed seeing our movie on the big screen as only it should be.
I have been a member of the forum since February 2006 and have seen the movie on the big screen at least 53 times now. I’m not an terribly active member and a bit of a recluse with regard to BBM as it has been a very emotional and private experience for me, which I have conveyed in previous postings. But I never turn away an opportunity to see BBM on the big screen.
As I sit here listening to the soundtrack on my iPod, which I haven’t done since Heath’s death, I realized I have walked away from this particular screening less wounded than before. I haven’t really seen it since SF except about 3 weeks ago, I caught on Bravo the excerpt from the turnabout at Ennis & Jack’s last trip together where all things that were unsaid came out. I watched that thru until Ennis pulled away but I had to turn the channel. I couldn’t watch anymore. I recoiled from the painful abyss I have so often been pulled into with BBM. When Heath died, I swore that I wouldn’t watch it again or listen to the soundtrack until LA. So here I am.
I was amazed at the number of people that were in attendance at the screening. I’m not very good at guesstimating numbers in crowds so I may be wrong but it seemed like there were about 200-250 people there. Some Brokies. Some not. And I was further amazed at the number of people who had NOT seen the movie before. I had hoped that I could see BBM thru new eyes, like the very first time I had seen it. And I did to some extend with that number of people there. The collective reactions, laughter, shock and sorrow went thru the crowd in waves. Just like when I first saw it or the night before the Oscars in 2006 when I went to see it with my husband (the only person with whom I’d ever seen it) when the theater was sold out. It came in tidal waves.
But more importantly, I appreciated BBM for so many other reasons, both joyful and sorrowful. First, I really saw the joy in so many places in the movie, the story, their lives. I appreciated how lonely and needy these 2 young men were and how new and foreign it was for both of them to connect to someone. To reveal themselves and be vulnerable. Even tho they didn’t know it, understand it or could articulate it, they clung to each other and that rare connection. The time up on Brokeback was heaven. And I appreciated the joy and bliss there. I appreciated Ennis’ love for his daughters, despite his failings. I could appreciate Alma’s love and disappointment in Ennis.
Then of course, there is the sorrow. How painful it was for Alma. How hurt and rejected Jack had been. If you count, Ennis rejects him upon on Brokeback before they herd the sheep back down (ends up with a black eye), when they part in Signal (Ennis refuses the gesture to meet again next summer), when the reunite at the campfire (sweet life), after the divorce (a 2 minute greeting after 14 hours & a search for his new house), at the river when Ennis expresses his paranoia (Jack gets a scathing rebuke), when Jack pours his heart out the night before the fight (with no response from Ennis) and finally, at the turnabout in their last trip. How many times is that?!? Like seven at least. Just watching Jack’s heartbreak every time was so hard. I know a lot folks believe that Ennis was cold but I think he felt things sooooooo deeply but shielded himself from it. In every one of those instances, I could see Ennis’ pain, too. Heath did such an outstanding job of conveying the pain and frustration at Jack, Alma and his kids’ disappointment. He felt it every little bit. He just couldn’t articulate it. Maybe not even name it. How everyone’s lives are ruined. The thing that Ennis tried so hard not to do. He really did try to do the right thing. And it all turned out so wrong.
I appreciated all the little details like timing, camera angle, the tiniest little glimpse or facial expression, the music so perfectly matched, the scenery, the words, the era so intricately accurate. What a perfect storm of creative people to be able to, even despite the many years of obstacles and near dismissal of the entire project, orchestrate this beautiful, powerful epic.
And then there was Heath, who I did not see in the movie. I’ve ALWAYS seen Ennis. Never could see Heath. But knowing it was him under that lonely, stoic skin was so sad. And how much I wish I could turn the clock back. How much we all will miss his unrealized potential and creative work. I said good-bye to Heath there.
I cried for Heath. I cried for Ennis. I cried for Jack. I cried for my own sorrows and loves lost. I cried for Alma. I cried for Michelle. I cried for Jake. I cried for all of us there who got it. I cried for all of those who haven’t seen it. I cried for that period of my life when I struggled. I cried for all of the Ennis’ and Jacks of the world. I cried because I couldn’t change the outcome for Ennis & Jack. I cried because I couldn’t bring Heath back. I cried for Matilda. I wept. I let go all the sorrow that is buried deep within me.
In a way, this has been a closure process for me. I struggled for a year with BBM, not knowing or understanding or even being able to articulate or pinpoint what exactly it was about the movie that affected me so much. Diana Osanna said the same thing when she first read the story. She knew she had to tell it to everyone. That, although she couldn’t articulate what exactly it was, she could identify with it and had to tell their story. So I struggled for a year until I went to Bay City after which I did a very lengthy post (a lot like this one) where I shared all my revelations, wounds, hurts, fears, sorrows and peace. This time, I did not sink. I did not fall back into the pit of darkness. I was looking back at a time when I struggled thru and out of a very confusing, profound time of my life and here I stood on the other side, having come out lighter, stronger, clearer and more compassionate towards myself and others. I could breathe now whereas before I could not. I held my breath for a year, afraid of what it all meant. This time, I let it pass through me and I felt it all but let it keep moving beyond me. But Ennis, Jack and Brokeback will always have a place in my heart.
Many of you have no idea who I am only because I won’t let any of you. And after many failed attempts on my part to do so at these gatherings, it is unlikely that I will be able to except thru these posts. I’m just not built that way and I’m good with that. But I do want to thank you all for being here to be on the receiving end of these somewhat anonymous cries out into the great beyond. And thank you for getting BBM and being here for all of us who were lost. Thank you.
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I would like to send a special "shout out" of thanks to all of you that have replied over the past couple of days!! It is greatly appreciated!! Thankfully, he is in stable condition at the moment. And also, thanks for the inquiries about me spraining my foot. It is now down to a reasonable size and I can actually wear a shoe now!! Thank Goodness for small pleasures!!
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Jack, I am quite sorry to hear that,..... you know I am; but I think you did what was necessary given what you had to work with, and I did the same. Unfortunately, sometimes, it just doesn't work which is a "bitch of an unsatisfactory situation!!" I only hope that you may find your own "mountain" in the future...as I hope for the same myself.
Sean
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Hey Cally.......great to see you here again,..........thanks for the message!! We have so much to talk about outside of here it is killing me!!!!!! Yay.......Hope top talk to you very soon
Sean
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HazelEyedRaven, god to see you here and thanks for that post from the heart, I think you'd be amazed at just how many people understand where you're coming from.
Neil.
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Hiya Raven! Thanks for placing your post here!
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Hi Raven!
Thank you so much for sharing that honest and heartfelt post!
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Hey Sason....I didn't realize you were in Sweden. Part of my family on my mom's side lives in Malmo...It's beautiful there.
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HazelEyedRaven,
I am so happy you did not sink this time. You are now afloat and I'm willing to bet you will stay there!
Thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts and emotions. Neil is correct, we do understand where you are coming from.
John
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Are you serious?? ?? ??
That's were I live!!!!!!!!! :D :D
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Hi guys...
I haven't been in here in months....but today I wanted to just quickly share with you this little video clip that was sent to me the other day...
I often forget just how lucky I am to be alive..to be healthy (knocks on wood) and to have a great family. Even though Brokeback Mountain and all who I have grown to know and love in this Forum have also taught me so much....you always seem to go back and forth with some self pity and the "why me's"....I've been doing this lately for some reason...I guess it's just normal...every day life's up and down's sometimes get the best of you and at times we have to reflect....when I first saw this video...I cried my eyes out...but it was soon replaced with feeling so proud and of counting my blessings...there's so much out there in this world to see...so much good...don't let the bad replace all that's deserving...all that is good...
God Bless
Nellie
Some of you may have seen these two before - unreal!
Please read the story below, if you are not able to watch the video at
work I suggest you forward this e-mail to your home e-mail and watch,
please share it with the family...it is worth watching and safe for the
kids.
To think how petty we are to complain about the tiniest things that
happen to us on a day to day basis.
This is a true story!
A son asked his father, 'Dad, will you take part in a marathon with
me?'. The father who, despite having a heart condition, says 'Yes'.
They went on to complete the marathon together. Father and son went on
to join other marathons, the father always saying 'Yes' to his son's
request of going through the race together. One day, the son asked his
father, 'Dad, let's join the Ironman together.' To which, his father
said 'Yes' too.
For those who don't know, Ironman is the toughest triathlon ever.
The race encompasses three endurance events of a 2.4 mile (3.86
kilometer) ocean swim, followed by a 112 mile (180.2 kilometer) bike
ride, and ending with a 26.2 mile (42.195 kilometer) marathon along the
coast of the Big Island. Father and son went on to complete the race
together. View this race at.....
NOW WATCH THIS VIDEO:
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=8cf08faca5dd9ea45513
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Hi John!! :-*
How are you?
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No kidding...it's a small world. Their last name is Holmquist...maybe you know them. Wouldn't that be just the sh*t?
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That's quite a common Swedish name..... I'm sure I know some people with that name.... none of my closer friends, though....
Have you actually been here to visit them?
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A looooong time ago....maybe like 1988 when I was about 14-15 years old.
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That's fantastic Sean!!!
When are you coming back?? :D
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Well, my cousin Maria just got married and had a little boy (Felix) Don't ask me where she came up with that name......anyway, my aunt has been trying to get me to go over there with her ever since that child was born...so it may be sooner rather than later....we'll see.
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Yay!!!!
That's great news!! Then you'll have not only relatives to vist, but a brokie too!!!! :D
And btw, Felix is a quite common name for little boys nowadays.....
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Hi John!! :-*
How are you?
Just wonderful Sonja! I PM'd you. ;)
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Nellie, thanks for that post!
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Many of you have no idea who I am only because I won’t let any of you. And after many failed attempts on my part to do so at these gatherings, it is unlikely that I will be able to except thru these posts. I’m just not built that way and I’m good with that. But I do want to thank you all for being here to be on the receiving end of these somewhat anonymous cries out into the great beyond. And thank you for getting BBM and being here for all of us who were lost. Thank you.
Thank you, HazelEyed. Your post means a lot to me. I can relate to many of the things you say.
I, too, hadn't seen the movie for such a long, long time, and only rewatched in Oxford, this June. And it made me weep so much.
Love. D
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Hi everyone......I was doing a bit of Brokeback Montage watching today and came across some very beautiful and moving pieces via YouTube... etc. As is customary, users leave their comments and I thought I might share a few of the hilarious responses to some of the homophobic comments that were posted.
1) {{"Yeah, that’s great, but you know what’s not great…that your mother actually gave birth, you bastard…Now go hide yourself!!"}}
2) {{"You assume a lot huh? Evidently I don't even need to insult you since you have already done that to yourself with your comments."}}
It brightened my day a bit to see that these responses were left by straight males and females who can obviously understand that love is love, no matter what the orientation might be!!
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Hi Sean!
Yeah, there is some great bbm stuff on You Tube.... and a lot of vids not so good....
I've never read the comments though, but it's good to know that people who leave homophobic shit get smacked on the head!
Let me know when you're planning to come this way!! ;)
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Well, currently we are looking at about 6 months or so for our trip to Malmo, Sweden.......I will definitely let you know if it will be sooner.
By the way.....I have come across some fantastic themes that I think describe this movie quite perfectly..........the first is by "Thomas Newman" and it is titled "Road to Perdition.". The second is by James Morrison and is titled "You Give Me Something."
Although it is just my opinion...I believe these themes truly convey the essence of Brokeback.......aside from the soundtrack, of course!!
Sean
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I went through a long period of seeking out and watching those vids, too, in the early months. Especially with the ones that were carefully edited to match the lyrics and music, I had a strong sense of the many hours of work and the emotions on the part of the maker that went into creating it. It made me feel an intense connection to that stranger, someone who had had this same mysterious reaction to the story that no one in my daily life seemed to have experienced.
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Well, in that aspect we are quite the same, but.....I do not care to view any topic at all related to Brokeback unless it is positive......unless, of course, it is YouTube! There have been some really amazing videos posted by amateurs who honestly should be in the mainstream!! Take, for example, jonno1980. He has an incredible talent...not only for editing, but for music placement as well! His "montage" has the look and feel of a real movie!
That takes somewhat of a dedication and talent! And to boot, he is straight!! It just goes to show that, thank GOd, there are people in the world that don't just see black and white!!
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I am sorry to repeat myself, but I do believe there are (2) music selections that all of you should hear. First is by"James Morrison" entitled " You Give Me Something". Second is a recorded track by "Thomas Newman called "Road to Perdition".
And to answer some of your questions....Yes my foot has gone down in size. Luckily, it was just a sprain. I suppose this is what I get for taking the "girls" dogs to the Dog Park and running while stepping in a hole that was almost a foot and a half deep?!?!!!?!?
Of course, it was by mistake, but nonetheless...it still hurts like a Bi*ch!! On the positive side....my dad has now left Sarasota Memorial in favor of treating his disease at home. His levels are now down to approx. 4.1 (which is acceptable) by the Doctors involved with the case. If this trend continues, it will be a blessing for all of us
I know this might sound like a repeat, but I really do appreciate all of your prayers!!
Always,
Sean
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Well, currently we are looking at about 6 months or so for our trip to Malmo, Sweden.......I will definitely let you know if it will be sooner.
By the way.....I have come across some fantastic themes that I think describe this movie quite perfectly..........the first is by "Thomas Newman" and it is titled "Road to Perdition.". The second is by James Morrison and is titled "You Give Me Something." Although it is just my opinion...I believe these themes truly convey the essence of Brokeback.......aside from the soundtrack, of course!!
Sean
YAY for you visiting Malmö!!!!! :D :D Wether it be in 6 months or sooner....
Do you have any links to the above?
Take, for example, jonno1980. He has an incredible talent...not only for editing, but for music placement as well! His "montage" has the look and feel of a real movie!
And to this??
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Sorry Sonja....here is the link to the site.............Just so you are prepared; it will make you cry........
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-A_ZR8AyRI. The author has chosen to use the soundtrack from "Road To Perdition" as his muse which totally floors me because it seems to represent Jack and Ennis in such a true form!!
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Yes....Malmo is the ShitTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess that I have now been wrangled by my aunt to go and visit!!
For 5 years, she just kept insisting.......finally......I gave in!!!! We are scheduled to leave on the 24th..............and returning somewhere around the 2nd.
Malmo is BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Hey Sason...how are you??......I guess you saw my last message about coming to Sweden?!?!!?!!? My Aunt and I are in a sort of "discussion"?!?!!?!!?
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Hey Sean!! :-*
Yes, I saw it and answered!!
And I was just listening to that link......beautiful...... awesome.....
You're right, that is one talented Jonno.....
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Is there anyway we can all stay on topic on why Brokeback Mountain has affected you?
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Well, McNell.....this is how Brokeback affected us!!!!
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I'm inclined to think that sharing a beautiful vid that almost makes you cry and making a new friend on the forum is part of the "how Brokeback affected me" experience..... but maybe a bit farfetched though.....
So Sean, we'll just PM instead, ok?
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Awesome....I definitely look forward to it!!!!!!!!
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No sweethearts...that's not what I meant.......please don't get angry with me...it was prior to that video...all that back and forth talk...but hey...what am I anyway...
Just do what you guys want....
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Ok we will...and so should you,,,,,,life is too short!!!!! Why not have a good time??
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I don't know you McNell....but I would like to ...........Let's see where this goes?!?\ Can't we just be friends for the time being???????
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Just do what you guys want....
Thanks we will!!! :D
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Hey Sason.....Luckily we have the option of e-mail....I just sent you 1
Sean
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You know, the first time they(the swedes) came here was with their family in 1987. We had such an awesome time.. As a matter of fact, I was speaking with my Aunt earlier this evening and we were laughing at the fact that they had to go to the Orlando Regional Medical Center because the actually burned the cornea(s) of their eyes because we all were in the pool so much?!?!?!?!!?! It was really a great time! I will be in Orlando the weekend of the 30th for my cousins wedding. He and Jacquelyn just had a baby boy that looks JUST like him!!!! I can't wait to be there!!!!
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In response to previous inquires.......yes I have 2 different cousins getting married and having children at the same time with different spouses....One is in Orlando, FL and the other is in Malmo, Sweden. I know that from the the outside , it looks very trailer park but it's not!! They are in 2 different countries!!
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I'm glad to hear it's with different spouses.....was a bit worried there.... ;D ;D ;D
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I'm glad to hear it's with different spouses.....was a bit worried there.... ;D ;D ;D
:) :0 :)
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sason and sean...
nellie was right, and you don't even have to go to pm or email if you don't want to. there are numerous other threads on the board where personal life and/or gatherings can be discussed, and you might even find additional swedes or nearby brokies to meet at the same time.
should someone come to this thread all shook up because they just saw the film,or they saw it a while back and can't shake it, the current discussion won't give them any answers or encourage them to post their feelings.
why not take this discussion here... http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?board=79.0
and there are separate threads for music and videos related to brokeback a well, and you can find those on our map, or ask any moderator for help.
we want the newbies to feel like they have come to the right place, much as you both did, right?
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*bowing to Jack and his very sensible reasons*
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Hello everyone!
I can understand how the conversation can drift in a thread like this. After all, we all got "carried away" by the way this movie touched us, and affected us. When we converse with each other, and find common grounds we didn't know we had, we can get "carried away" by that as well. The excitement of meeting other people who had a similar experience, understanding that we are not alone in what is going on in our minds and hearts.
But it is necessary to keep the thread focused. Especially since Bravo has started playing the movie, new comers may find us here, and we need to give them a place to express themselves about what the movie had done to them. I was surprised (but happy) to see a number of people who went to the recent screening in L.A. last week who had never seen the film before. There are definitely chances to have new members come here and share.
And I'd like to take a moment to thank you all who do come here and share. We may have a number of guests who are lurking, and not willing to "take the plunge" like we did, but who are learning from what we post here.
And remember, the mods are always here to help, just send us a PM! ;)
Hugs to you all!
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Hello all. I found my way here as a result of BRAVO televising this film. It all began for me when I saw The Dark Night. Ledger's performance was so captivating that I wanted a fix from anything else he had done. I got home on the night that I saw that film, and Batman Begins and Brokeback were both on. Since I hadn't ever seen either, I thought to watch both. Didn't work out that way cause I fell asleep and upon opening my eyes, I only caught the last end of BBM beginning with Cassie at the diner.
Couple of days later, while channel surfing again, I tuned in at the moment of Ennis and Jack's reunion--and BAM!!! Not only had I never seen two men go at it like that before, but I had never experienced or witnessed such unadulterated, raw and explosive passion before. I didn't get to see the rest of the film that night, but the next day, I woke up not being able to stop visualizing it. Mind you, I'm a hetero female, but I found that kiss damn sexy--mainly because of how...consuming (not the right word, but can't think of better) and potent it was. I couldn't expunge that scene from my mind all day, and despite being a cheapo (which is why I had not seen it when it premiered in 2005 in the first place), I just said F--- it and bought me a copy at Walmart instead of waiting to see it again on BRAVO.
I got home that night--so tired and sleepy that I didn't think I would be able to watch all of it. With a portable DVD player on my bed, I began watching the film and was totally engrossed by the time Ennis began warming up the beans. That FNIT jolted me, SNIT got me all hot and bothered, and when I got to that reunion kiss again... I started to lose it in the last scene between Ennis and Jack, though, starting with "Truth is..." It seemed like I couldn't breathe or see by the time Ennis says, "Am nothin'. Am nowhere..." cause I was so choked up. Having seen the scenes beginning with Cassie at the diner on BRAVO, I knew what was coming and by then I was inconsolable. The opening credits rolled on and Willie and that song... I was not a pretty sight, I'll tell you. Immediately after, like a masochist, I replayed the film--with me having the same agonizing response. 'Twas about 4:37 a.m. when I fell asleep--my alarm would be going off at 6:30 for me to go to work. I didn't need it though. I woke up before then and again started going to different scenes. I've been haunted ever since.
That was last Wednesday night/Thursday morning. I rushed to Barnes and Noble on Friday to get a copy of the short story. Started to read it as I drove home (for once happy and hoping that there'd be heavy traffic). Everything about the story, the film (music, scenery, dialogue, acting) got to me. I've been an emotional mess. I spent all of last weekend rewatching the film, rereading the short story, falling asleep, waking up, starting the whole process over--obsessed with / possessed by Ennis and Jack, bawling over in complete devastation and despair with each and every viewing. I spent my time at work, whenever I wasn't dealing with my students, researching all I could online about all involved with BBM. That's how I came to find this FORUM and thank God! I needed an outlet for my obsession, as my friends started to be sick and tired of me talking about this film.
My best friend says that she is seriously concerned about me, as all my conversations have revolved or connected to this film AND my only desire has been to rush home after work to again see the film. I even carry the short story with me. (My BFF seriously started questioning my sanity for the following reasons: We went to Borders and Crash was on sale. I just shook my head and said I couldn't believe it beat out BBM for best picture, though I had previously rented Crash and had thought it deserving of the award. She had a copy of Syriana at home and again I belabored the fact that Clooney took the Oscar from Jake, who I've since also fantasized about and have now disliked Reese for. (So sad, I know). When I couldn't even remember who beat out Ledger for best actor that year, I was disgusted and cursed the Academy voters and told her I needed to get home to catch up on this forum).
So, here I am again folks, this weekend, feeding my obsession by trying to catch up with what I've missed the last couple of years on this forum. Problem is, the feedback and analysis are so good that I'm forced to rewatch the film to catch what I have missed in my already multiple views of this film. I've lost count at this point. Seems to be the beginning of an unending cycle as many of you have been and are still discussing BBM since before it even premiered in theaters nearly three years ago.
I can honestly tell you folks that I've never been so engrossed in a film/story/soundtrack (I bought the soundtrack today, by the way). In fact, I've never been so moved by any film. That's why I've never really been able to watch a one more than once (other than Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971 original), which for that reason, up to this point, I've considered to be my favorite film. I've been thinking alot (much to my frustration as I feel like I'm going crazy because of my focus on BBM) as to why it has impacted me so much. Is it because Heath is now tragically gone? Partly, I think, but mostly I've come to realize that the impact of this film for me is that it makes me aware of what happens when we live repressed lives as a result of our fears: we live unfulfiling lives and end up with nothing but our memories and regrets. Unfortunately, currently, this is the road that I'm travelling.
Paralized by fear, willing to just "stand" things, I've just been going through the motions. I'm super conscious about how others perceive me that I find it hard to "step out on faith"--and confidence, really--to live the life that I want. I keep on postponing things for later when, really, time just keeps on ticking. Though I just turned 28, I already feel tired of life--which is really sad considering that I've not exactly lived life to the fullest. My point is, I see a lot of Ennis in me (and others in my life) and I don't want to end up like him--lonely and full of regrets, essentially living an empty life. I don't want to be suppressed by my fears. I see this film to be the catalyst that's pushing me to go beyond just circling the coffee pot. I'm starting to make some moves and I look forward to seeing where I am a year from now.
One thing I know for sure is that BBM has proven to me the power of filmmaking. Whereas a couple of years ago I had been blase and condescending in regards to the opening montage of the Oscars which dealt with the power of filmmaking, I can no longer react that way today. BBM is a masterpiece, and though I consider this word to be a cliche in Hollywood, I think it's appropriate in regards to this project to say that all of the people involved in bringing this story and the film to life are geniuses. I can now even understand and not scoff at people saying that they needed a (or more) shrinks to get them out of the funk that this film put them in because I certainly now feel like I desperately need one to guide me out of my torment over this film.
I'm sorry that this is so long, but am very thankful that this forum has given me an outlet to express and share with others what I have been reflecting on and writing about on bits of scrap paper since I first saw BBM. Hope that this is the catharsis I needed to move on. Again, thanks for letting me share, and for you having taken the time to read this super lengthy post.
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boy have YOU ever come to the right forum, LOL.
welcome !
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Orleanas
Back in January, the day after Heath Ledger died, the forum lost one of it's most popular and loved members, Jackie (paintedshoes).
I'm sure Jackie had friends and family who thought she was becoming obsessed and spending too much time here.
Yes, it can become an obsession, but for many of us it has been a life-changing experience.
This is an excerpt from a message that was posted here by Jackie's daughter-in-law. It may not apply to your situation, but I submit it here as an example of what this forum is all about.
When she first starting coming into the Forum, I was thrilled. I was so happy that she was connecting, really connecting with people.
She would go on and on about all of you, about your interests and histories. She loved getting to know all of you. I loved that she was making friends.
During the time she took off work, Jackie's attention and time were definitely being split between her Forum friends and her family. It wasn't that she was depriving us. If ever we truly needed her, she would've dropped everything to help (even if her hair were on fire, and both of her legs were chopped off!).
We were so accustomed to her not having a social life to work around, that we didn't know how to react. So, I talked about it with my husband, and we decided that we could look at it 2 ways:
1) That we should be upset, because Mom's got a social life now, and we might not be able to dump the kids on her for our "date night", OR
2) We should be happy, because Mom's got a social life now, and she's got friends. She's finally getting out and about, traveling, enjoying her life, and making her dreams come true.
We chose to look at things with the latter attitude.
And, that is why I reiterate what I said in the beginning of this post-- I owe you all a debt I can never repay. You enveloped someone so dear to me with your kindness and your love. Before she met all of you, she was living her life, going through the motions, not really living up to who she could be. After she met you, she became that woman; she blossomed.
You see, you never took her FROM us at all. As it turned out, you gave her TO us.
The full post is here:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=28459.msg1157020#msg1157020 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=28459.msg1157020#msg1157020)
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Paralized by fear, willing to just "stand" things, I've just been going through the motions. I'm super conscious about how others perceive me that I find it hard to "step out on faith"--and confidence, really--to live the life that I want. I keep on postponing things for later when, really, time just keeps on ticking. Though I just turned 28, I already feel tired of life--which is really sad considering that I've not exactly lived life to the fullest. My point is, I see a lot of Ennis in me (and others in my life) and I don't want to end up like him--lonely and full of regrets, essentially living an empty life. I don't want to be suppressed by my fears. I see this film to be the catalyst that's pushing me to go beyond just circling the coffee pot. I'm starting to make some moves and I look forward to seeing where I am a year from now.
One thing I know for sure is that BBM has proven to me the power of filmmaking. Whereas a couple of years ago I had been blase and condescending in regards to the opening montage of the Oscars which dealt with the power of filmmaking, I can no longer react that way today. BBM is a masterpiece, and though I consider this word to be a cliche in Hollywood, I think it's appropriate in regards to this project to say that all of the people involved in bringing this story and the film to life are geniuses. I can now even understand and not scoff at people saying that they needed a (or more) shrinks to get them out of the funk that this film put them in because I certainly now feel like I desperately need one to guide me out of my torment over this film.
I'm sorry that this is so long, but am very thankful that this forum has given me an outlet to express and share with others what I have been reflecting on and writing about on bits of scrap paper since I first saw BBM. Hope that this is the catharsis I needed to move on. Again, thanks for letting me share, and for you having taken the time to read this super lengthy post.
Welcome Orleanas!
And thank you for your wonderful post. I can assure you it was not too long to read. This film pushed me too "beyond cirkling the coffee pot". Brokeback Mountain really is a masterpiece!
Very, very welcome to the forum.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Hugs )))))))))))))))))))))))))
Mia
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Thanks for the warm welcome, folks, the hug from Miaisland and for sharing that email BayCityJohn. Looking forward to catching up and sharing with you all.
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Bienvenue Orleanas! ;)
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What a wonderful post Orelenas, and I think if you took a poll, you would find your story is so similar to many of us that have been "affected" by this movie. The BBM world is very extensive, with lots of forums, communities, etc. etc. I hope you find some comfort in dicsussing your impressions with others who feel the same way.
And, I also though I was going crazy at one point, then realised that maybe it is just the rest of the world that doesn't get it that are crazy! :)
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Welcome Orleanas.....;D
So glad you found this Forum and this thread....you've definitely came to the right place. It's good to hear that people are still touched by this movie and I'm sure it will be this way for many years to come.
You're not alone,trust me.....this whole experience you have had with family and friends thinking you're crazy and worrying about you is all normal....it's going to take them awhile to get used to you...the "new" YOU!
Nellie
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Welcome ((((((Orleanas))))))) and thank you for sharing your wonderful post!!
You surely are not alone in your reaction to BBM. I, and a whole lot of us, reacted in much the same way. I also thought on more than one occasion that I was going crazy.... It took a long time before I could start breathing again. It's only a year since I saw it the first time and I'm still in the middle of a life changing process that I don't know where it's gonna take me.....
This film is a truly a magic piece of art.... it has changed so many peoples lives, it has affected us so profound in so many different ways.....
You have come to the right place, we all know what you are going through right now, because we have all been there...... The sadness, the crying, the obsession, the feeling of having no one in real life to talk to about it, the question of "what is happening to me?", the feeling of being detached from the rest of your everyday life...... Many aspects of this still apply to me.
But if you stay on this forum you will find people of like mind who know what you' re going through, you will find belonging, friendship and love.
Please let us know how you are doing.
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I join my friends above in offering you a big welcome Orleanas!!
I had huge grin on my face as I read your excellent post, since your initial reactions to the movie and short story were identical mine back in February 2006! :D
Enjoy yourself here - you will make some great new friends.
John
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Just let me add my voice - these people will look after you :D
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You're all making be blush. I don't know what to do with all this attention. :D
Seriously, though, because I'm in my "honeymoon" phase with everything BB--totally engrossed with all things BB, seeing the film at least once a day still--how are you guys making out with it after having experienced it 1+ years ago? Are you affected by the film in the same way as when you first viewed it? What scenes or moments still get to you? How often do you watch the film? Are there particular moments or reasons that you watch it? What about your response and engagement with the soundtrack--do particular songs still get to you?... So many questions...Looking forward to your responses. Thanks.
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I'm still affected by the film, but I don't have the uncontrollable urge to schedule my days around a viewing like I did 2 years ago.
I have the dvd, but nowadays I only watch the movie when it's on the big screen somewhere. I really don't need to see it because every frame of the film is embedded in my mind.
The music definitely gets to me whenever I hear it.
I have the soundtrack, the score, and a nice orchestral suite by the City of Prague Philharmonic. I also enjoy the closing theme from 'Shawshank Redemption' which was used in the trailer.
And now I have 'Meet Me on the Mountain' to add to the mix. I listen to this one a lot more than any of the others now when I'm driving.
I mostly listen to Brokeback Mountain Radio at home.
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For about a year and a half ago i sat and talked with my best friend, about a gay couple who had just moved in down the street. (I have this thing for gay men.) She told me about this movie "Brokeback mountain", about two gay cowboys, and that i ought to see it. I thought that it sounded really hot, but then forgot all about it, until one day i was renting movies, and there it was on the shelf. I rented it, watched about 10 minutes of it, and then turned it off, because it wasn't the "Gay-cowboy sexmovie" i thought i was.
The next day, i decided to give it a shot, and i sat down to watch it. First i want to say, that i watch ALOT of movies, and have done allways. I have never, never EVER felt so touched by anything i my whole life.
After seeing it, i just stared out in the air, with tears running down my face, trying to get a hold on myself and all these feelings that was eksploding inside me.
I have my own personal experience of loosing the one true love, and i had spent 2,5 years crying about it (now almost four), hoping to see him again and get back to where we left. In these years i felt so many strong feelings. Take them, put them into a movie, and there is brokeback mountain. Lines in the movie expressed these feelings i couldn't find the words for, like "There ain't no reins on this one", "You have no idea how bad it gets" and "I wish i knew how to quit you" (just a very few of them). My feelings, out in the open for everyone to see (i'm sure lots of you felt the same way). I watched it again after realizing what masterpiece i had just experienced, i cried throughout most of the movie, felt lucky to notice small things i didn't notice at first. I couldn't sleep that night. Now i have watched it so many times that it's almost impossible to count, but still all the same feelings overwhelms me every single time. And still, i feel almost honoured to see it again, and still notice new small things.
Yesterday, i went to the library and did what i have been longing for, for so long; finally got to read the book. I don't think it was as good as the movie, primarily because the movie is much more detailed with a lot of things, but i feel like i understand both the movie and the caracters better now, so i'm really glad i read it.
BUT after reading it, i was filled up by an urge to find someone as devoted to the film as i am, watch it a hundred times, and then talk about it till our throates hurt.
So, i thought i'd find "that someone" online, and look what i found *Yaaaayy*
If i ever felt at home at any site, THIS is the place.
It's hard to point out how my life has changed since i saw it the first time, but i feel changed inside.
I felt that for the first time, "someone" understood the pain i went through (And still kindof am, but If you can't fix it, you gotta stand it.).
Wow, i actually feel really relieved to get this out. :D :D
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Welcome Zabrina!!
Yaaaayy
:) :)
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I like to share this video every once in awhile with new members.
This is a video that Rodney and I made last year. It's my favorite post from the forum, made by Jari (Boris) from Finland in 2006.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfyMsGz6WLU (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfyMsGz6WLU)
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It's hard to point out how my life has changed since i saw it the first time, but i feel changed inside.
I felt that for the first time, "someone" understood the pain i went through (And still kindof am, but If you can't fix it, you gotta stand it.).
Wow, i actually feel really relieved to get this out. :D :D
Welcome here, Zabrina. Lovely post. Yaaaayyyyyyyy!!!!!!!
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Velkommen Zabrina!!!!!!!!
Du er ikke alene om det her......
There are so many of us who know exactly what you are going through, because we have been through the same....
This movie is magic, it stirs so many feelings and brings out so many changes in peoples lives.
Stay around here, you'll find understanding, friendship and love among people on this forum.
I'll send you a PM, you won't be able to answer it until you have posted 5 posts.
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You're all making be blush. I don't know what to do with all this attention. :D
Seriously, though, because I'm in my "honeymoon" phase with everything BB--totally engrossed with all things BB, seeing the film at least once a day still--how are you guys making out with it after having experienced it 1+ years ago? Are you affected by the film in the same way as when you first viewed it? What scenes or moments still get to you? How often do you watch the film? Are there particular moments or reasons that you watch it? What about your response and engagement with the soundtrack--do particular songs still get to you?... So many questions...Looking forward to your responses. Thanks.
You can really blush, you're getting more attention still!!! :D
Welcome Orleanas. For me it's 2+ years actually, having seen it in theater when it first came out.
No, I'm not affected the same way (it would be really insane). I know what you talk about. The first months I was so involved, it was constantly in my thoughts, upon waking, upon going to sleep, while cooking, cycling, walking, cleaning the house, waiting for kids to come from schools, etc...
Being among people, I found myself staring at nothing and wondering what had happened to me.
Then it all evolved; like a love story. It is a love story actually. And it has its highs and its lows. It brought me to meeting people, sharing part of their lives. Suffering a lot. Having a great time. Listening to new music, reading new magazines, growing an orchid, flying to UK. Talking to strangers I meet like I never used to. It's going to take me to Sweden next fall.
For everybody it's different, but then maybe not so different really. It's a journey.
I don't really see the movie a lot. It's true I constantly keep the soundtrack (and some movie audio clips) in my MP3 reader, wherever I go. In my bag, at work, on vacation, shopping....you never know.
And the short story is always in sight on my bookshelf in the living room. A constant presence.
Hang around here and you will discover by yourself. Impossible to explain it all. Believe me, it is worthwhile.
Kisses from Italy
Daniela
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Very, very welcome Zabrina!
And YAY for that great post of yours!!!!!! For you being here to share this with us!!!!!
((((((((((((((((((((( Hugs )))))))))))))))))
Mia (from Sweden)
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Hello Zabrina!
Welcome to the Dave Cullen Forum. It's so good to meet new members, and I hope you enjoy your stay here!
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Wow, i didn't expect such kind welcomes..
Thank you very much..
I am really looking forward to getting to know you all a little bit.
Sason - God i was surpriced to see something on danish. My heart skipped a beat.. :P
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Sason - God i was surpriced to see something on danish. My heart skipped a beat.. :P
We have members on 6 continents here. 7 if you count ptannen's visit to Antarctica ;D
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Sason - God i was surpriced to see something on danish. My heart skipped a beat.. :P
We have members on 6 continents here. 7 if you count ptannen's visit to Antarctica ;D
dang! i missed that.. did he meet any brokeback penguins?
welcome zabrina. if denmark, or anywhere in europe, actually, is your location, you are in for a REALLY big treat. just as many of us in the US (and one german) just got together in california, and only recently did in oxford, UK, there is upcoming a get together of brokies (that's our coined name) in sweden. get your tickets soon. YAAY.
jack
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I like to share this video every once in awhile with new members.
This is a video that Rodney and I made last year. It's my favorite post from the forum, made by Jari (Boris) from Finland in 2006.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfyMsGz6WLU (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfyMsGz6WLU)
I've just been watching this video and it made me cry even more than BBM (and I don't normally cry very often), but I still don't know why it's all hit me so hard. I can feel so much, and if it's not presumptuous think I understand, what Jari says about gays seeing the reflection of their own lives in it, but that's not my own life, and though I've experienced deep griefs, they haven't thank God included the loss of a lover. But it's certainly touching something in me.
It's a very positive effect though (apart from taking up my time, affecting my sleep etc etc). Orleanas, I was going to reply to you, but I think there would be too much to say - although I'm not experiencing quite the same intensity as at the start I'm still a bit too close to the wedding day. :)
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That video is just an excerpt from a longer video that we made for the Oscar Night screening in Bay City in Feb 2007. It was shown on the big screen at the State Theater.
Most of the people in the audience didn't know we were going to show it.
Here's the original video as we saw it in Bay City.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6425789959445364033 (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6425789959445364033)
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Wow, i didn't expect such kind welcomes..
Thank you very much..
I am really looking forward to getting to know you all a little bit.
Sason - God i was surpriced to see something on danish. My heart skipped a beat.. :P
Welcome Zabrina, I'll be in Stockholm for the Brokie weekend . As the others have said....Chris from the UK xxx
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(((((((((((WEEPS))))))))))))))))) after watching it again for the 34th time...(LOL).......It just doesn't ever get old!!!! By the way Sason..........looking forward to seeing you soon in Malmo...
Sean
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i watched it for the 5th time (i think) yesterday and i swear (not pun intented) i love it more and more and it gets more heartbreaking each time you watch it
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Yeah, the intensity might lessen a little, but the strong and overwhelming impact is still there, and I think it always will.....
Thanks for those links, John, I hadn't seen the whole video before.
Yes Zabrina, it would be great if you come to Trosa near Stockholm in October!! There will be people from different countries, including Denmark.
Looking forward to seeing you too, Sean!
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Watched the whole video thanks, John.
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Yes it would be really cool to get to one of those meetings, but unfortunately i don't have the money to travel at this point. But i definately will when i can. Sounds great.
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fwiw zabrina...
more than half of us really don't have money to spare, but where there is a will there is a way, and often we help each other.
there is also always the possibility of a day trip or just making the nearest brokie aware of your town. it will happen in time, and probably less rather than more, if you wish it.
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(((((Zabrina)))))
There is a brokie living in Copenhagen, and I live in Malmö. So depending on where in Denmark you live, it may very well be possible for the three of us to meet, even if you can't make it to Trosa.....
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heh heh... ;D
see... they come out of the woodwork.
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I like to share this video every once in awhile with new members.
This is a video that Rodney and I made last year. It's my favorite post from the forum, made by Jari (Boris) from Finland in 2006.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfyMsGz6WLU (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfyMsGz6WLU)
I've just been watching this video and it made me cry even more than BBM (and I don't normally cry very often), but I still don't know why it's all hit me so hard. I can feel so much, and if it's not presumptuous think I understand, what Jari says about gays seeing the reflection of their own lives in it, but that's not my own life, and though I've experienced deep griefs, they haven't thank God included the loss of a lover. But it's certainly touching something in me.
It's a very positive effect though (apart from taking up my time, affecting my sleep etc etc). Orleanas, I was going to reply to you, but I think there would be too much to say - although I'm not experiencing quite the same intensity as at the start I'm still a bit too close to the wedding day. :)
Cally, I've been thinking exactly the same.... And I've been thinking a lot about it.....
But I still have no idea whatsoever why this film hit me so hard in the very core of my being. All I can say is that I don't think so much about it any more, I have sort of accepted that's the way it is even if I don't understand it....I'm more at ease with it now.... This whole BBM thing is an extremely important part of my life, but I don't question it, I just roll with the flow and enjoy the ride. Which doesn't mean that it's always easy, but I wouldn't want to be without this experience for anything.....
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heh heh... ;D
see... they come out of the woodwork.
:D :D :D
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That video is just an excerpt from a longer video that we made for the Oscar Night screening in Bay City in Feb 2007. It was shown on the big screen at the State Theater.
Most of the people in the audience didn't know we were going to show it.
Here's the original video as we saw it in Bay City.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6425789959445364033 (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6425789959445364033)
John,
Thank you so much for giving us the link to this..it was so awesome to see it again after viewing it in Bay City.I remember feeling the hot tears stream down my face and not caring to wipe them away....as I looked around to see so many others crying as well....such a feeling and such good memories.
Thanks to you
Nellie :-*
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(((((Nellie)))))
We should have an event in Chicago soon.
hmmm... maybe the Foundation will sponsor a Heath Ledger Film Festival next year. Or somethng.
just thinkin' out loud.
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(((((Zabrina)))))
There is a brokie living in Copenhagen, and I live in Malmö. So depending on where in Denmark you live, it may very well be possible for the three of us to meet, even if you can't make it to Trosa.....
What a FANTASTIC idea.. :D :D
We should really do that.
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Yes, we should!!!
It you make one more post, you'll be able to send PMs. Did you get the one I sent you last week? (or whenever it was....)
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Cally, I've been thinking exactly the same.... And I've been thinking a lot about it.....
But I still have no idea whatsoever why this film hit me so hard in the very core of my being. All I can say is that I don't think so much about it any more, I have sort of accepted that's the way it is even if I don't understand it....I'm more at ease with it now.... This whole BBM thing is an extremely important part of my life, but I don't question it, I just roll with the flow and enjoy the ride. Which doesn't mean that it's always easy, but I wouldn't want to be without this experience for anything.....
Yes, Sason, I think perhaps that's how it's going to go with me - no thunderbolt revelation, but something that will stay with me but become less intense. But at the moment I am still questioning it - it is SO strange. My husband is sympathetic - quite liked the film but has no idea what I'm talking about, and I can't blame him.
But I haven't so far come across anyone on this forum like me in that it didn't happen to me all at once. I think I've said before that I rented the dvd about 2 years ago with high expectations but was slightly disappointed overall, although it was partly a matter of communication because I missed so much of what they were saying, and so many of the subtleties, which must be true for everyone I suppose. Then I recorded it from UK tv 2 months ago, watched it at first with subtitles, looked for reviews, found the website, and from then on the disease progressed in textbook fashion.
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One theory about it all is that we brokies are somehow "damaged goods". That we bear scars deep inside us, concious or unconcious, that are somehow trigged by the film.
The film unlocks the iron box where we hide those scars, and all the pain and hurt is set free.... It leads to extreme sadness and sorrow, even depression for some, but in the end is a healing process... It's a kind of crisis, very painful, but can lead to catharsys and in the end become a lifealtering experience. So many peoples lives have changed profoundly as a result of the film...
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Yes, we should!!!
It you make one more post, you'll be able to send PMs. Did you get the one I sent you last week? (or whenever it was....)
Yes i got the PM you send me. I will write to you now, so there's room for the threads actual purpose.. ;)
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hello Zabrina, welcome to the forum
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Yeah....once again I'm in one of those moods...for those of you who know me well enough...
Every now and then I "think" too much...start reflecting on stuff....today I have been thinking a lot about death...I know,it may sound morbid...I have been an organ donor for years but now that the laws have changed some,you now have to sign up on this Web-site...please sign up
www.lifegoeson.com
Also, on doing so....I came across this youtube video....about Heath....I really feel his loss
God Bless
Nellie
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4tE2ZjX-jM
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Ingy....sometimes I feel as if we all have forgotten why we came here in the first place...sometimes I feel like no one knows me anymore...
Do you feel as if you are fading?....do you feel as if your job is done?
I'm not talking about the fact that we're all so busy and have less time in this Forum..I do think you know what I mean ;)
Looking at these pictures you posted right now brings it all back for me.
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sometimes I feel like no one knows me anymore...
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Nellie )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
What would this place be without your posts? So many of them have meant so much to me. Especially in this thread.
You're amazing!
And your laughs are .... prizeless ...... Love'em - keep'em coming!
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What would this place be without your posts? So many of them have meant so much to me. Especially in this thread.
I agree Nellie. You've always been very heartfelt in your serious posts. You've touched many people.
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beautiful
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Oh, what a beautiful collage!!!
All those wonderful moments with the two of them together, in one pic...!!!
THAT'S what this all is about.....
Thanks for posting that, Ingy. :-*
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Quintessential collage, Ing...
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Merci
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Thanks to Aréthuse (formerly known as Arethusa33) of the French speakers thread (and Planet Heath) who created that montage.
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^^^^^^^^^^^^
I second that!
I didn't know who did it, thanks for telling Kim!
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im gonna try to answer this question again
brokeback affectted me in so many different ways and it depends what mood im in, so times im happy to see heath and jakes amazing work and a beautiful story on the screen and sometimes i watch it and cry my heart out, sob and sob all the way through the film and for hours afterwards
it just depends, but it always affects me in some way
i cry for lots of reasons and people
i cry cos we got to see heath in this amazing role and get to see what a talent he was, i cry for ennis, i cry for jack
i also cry for heaths family i cry for jake losing his best friend and i cry for michelle and matilda, michelle for the fact she lost the love her life and matilda for the fact she lost her daddy who loved her so so much and she'll never get to grow up with him
but mostly i cry for heath himself, for leaving every one at such a young age, working so hard on his films, especailly the dark knight which he never got to see and for losing michelle and never getting to see his beloved beautiful little girl, matilda rose, grow up
all this emotion because of a film
i hope this makes sense, but it probably doesn;t its just my feelings
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Oh, it makes perfectly sense Marz... thanks for sharing.
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no problem i was crying as i was writing it and im still crying now
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(((((((Marz)))))))
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thank you i feel abit better now for sharing my feelings and getting them out in the open
i feel quite drained now so im gonna go to bed but im sure i'll be back in this topic if i feel i need to (thats if you've allowed to come back and ramble on more then once!)
bye
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Of course you're allowed to come back!!
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http://www.youtube.com/v/hh3lzb9ny0U&hl=en&fs=1
Edited to display link only.
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What would this place be without your posts? So many of them have meant so much to me. Especially in this thread.
I agree Nellie. You've always been very heartfelt in your serious posts. You've touched many people.
What they said, ((((((Nellie)))))))
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Merci (((((Arethuse))))) for creating this and (((((Ing))))) for posting it here. it is beautiful..............
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http://www.youtube.com/v/hh3lzb9ny0U&hl=en&fs=1
Beautiful........ :'(
Edited to remove YouTube embedding commands
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Hello friends,
I can't tell you how many times I have gone into this thread over the past 2+ years and posted all sorts of crazy thoughts. I don't know how many times I have repeated myself in all my craziness....and to be quite frank,I will never know how many people have rolled their eyes at me or sent me prayers for thought,hugs for comfort,words of wisdom.
My mind has been playing games with me once again..."thinking" too much as always..wondering what will become of me and if I'm still doing the right things. My gut feelings tell me I am. I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up...lol....(yeah,time to roll your eyes)
I remember the first times I'd come in here and post at all hours of the day...didn't matter if I was at work or getting ready for bed...I'd sneak in here when my husband left the house or went in the back yard...didn't want him to know just how obsessed I was....yeah,right!.....I'd find all of you guys in here just dying to do the same thing...having difficulty expressing our thoughts,our hurts,our questions of "why?"....we'd all help each other out and became so excited getting to know each other, wanting to hear our voices...wanting so desperately to hug in real life.
Then the day came when most of us all met...the curiosity came and went. Our 2nd year anniversary just flew by and my heart ached that day...that whole week we spent together...crying ,hugging,kissing and yes,even smacking and teasing...it was GREAT fun. Getting drunk with you fools was the highlight of that HOT and HUMID Texan night...the sweat down our backs didn't interfere with our hugs and love we shown that week. I can't tell you how all this makes me feel...or just how much you all have saved me from myself.
I have been reflecting on and off for these past 2+ years...should I?...would I?...Could I?....I would always throw my thoughts in here and you all would help me decide or throw some thoughts into my head and MADE me figure it out for myself. I can't tell you how many times I'd also get all pissed and angry at some of you. My feelings were made of butter even though I was a "tough" street smart gal all my life...I've seen so much for my years. My city life prevented me from "feeling" too much...my only way of survival. How I lived this far is beyond my belief and how I managed to come in here after seeing a movie no one thought was going to make a damn difference is just "destiny", I guess. It was truly meant to be...and for that I am so grateful and I humbly lower my head and thank God.
Even though this Forum has gone thru some changes and I believe it will still make a turn....for the worst for the best...who the hell knows...I don't care. I've said my peace a hundred and ten times already. I told myself I was going to stay for as long as I can still hang on and for as long as I can still keep in contact with those of you I love and care about. I say I don't care...but honestly, I'm full of shit, because I DO care....but as part of my survival...I can't allow this to destroy what I already got from this Forum....I can't allow certain folk to put thoughts into my head that don't belong in there....I can't say to myself because my best friend,Jackie, isn't here anymore that I don't belong....because you know what?...I do fucken belong...because Jackie would of said so...that's why. I miss her so much it hurts...I still feel her near me and I know she can hear my prayers and I know for a fact that she will try her very best to keep us together...if not in this Forum...then by e-mails and phone calls. She's our guardian angel and she can do this...and she will.
I have to say that I have gone thru some changes in my life,like so many of you all have...it makes me smile to know that we all went thru this together and survived or still trying to get there for some. It also makes me "feel" when I know you are hurting or struggling. I don't know why I am this way....I guess this is how God wired me together ...lol...I think of all of you so very often and only wish I had more time to come in here so that I can keep in more contact with you....but I can't...only God knows. I remember Jackie and I talking about this very same thing....how she wished she can touch every single one of you....if only she knew then what was her fate. She knows now just how much she's touched all of us and just how much she is missed...
I wanted to share just a little bit about myself today....as if I didn't already...but...
Right around the time I was having difficulties in my life growing up...I came across this girl in my junior year in high school. She was different than most...a polish immigrant living with her mother. She had already been here for a few years so her english was perfect. She was a big girl and not very pretty. She tried to fit in...we became friends...(I have told this story way back in this thread's earliest posts) I connected with her even though so many didn't or wouldn't. They teased her and tried to make her "go away" as if she was some threat to them...I hated them for that and I felt I just had to do something. Because I was the "popular" girl I used this to my advantage....I may have had many friends in school but not one of them were my "friend"...I never felt like I belonged anywhere...it was just a "front"...just to get me thru high school I did anything to fit in..."sort of speak"...deep inside I was dying. This girl was my escape ...she became my best friend and I "made" everyone like her....not by force but with my words....I put them in her shoes and they began to like her...she became the "funny" girl to us...the "crazy polaka".....it was the best 2 years of high school we had....senior year came and we were saying our good byes...we hugged and kissed and shared phone numbers...we made our plans for college and promised to keep in touch. She opened my eyes to many things and made me believe in "myself" I couldn't wait for college to start...I couldn't wait for her and I to compare notes ...she was going to a college in Wisconsin and I was going to the University of Chicago. We had just turned 18 and we were ready.
That all changed on August 27th 1984....24 years ago today....she and her mom got on a tour plane with 4 other people to view the college campus. The plane crashed and she died...her mother went with her.....to receive that phone call was like someone had just hit me with a baseball bat...that was the start of my craziness..she had no other family but her dad who was never in her life...too late.
After all this time and all that has happened in my life...trying to understand and trying to fit in.....you all were there to help me...it just took 2 years to figure it out with you guys...I have been trying for 22 years...self destruction,drugs,none of that helped me of course...it just postponed my healing...but this Forum and how Brokeback Mountain affected me ...how it made me "feel" and wake up... that life is too short...live your life man before it's too late...
This is my friend, Diane Zaluski on the far left of this picture holding a trophy she and I received in Horticulture class...I'm the third girl on the right...God I miss her so much but I can still hear her crazy ass polaka laugh...RIP Diane...I love you!...say hello to Jackie and give her a kiss from me,will you?
Thanks for listening...thanks for being there for me...
Nellie
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Nellie, sweetheart,
I love how you "swing" on this forum. You will post funny, lighthearted silly stuff. And then, come to this thread and give us a taste of your serious side.
In case I haven't said it before, thank you for being so willing to show us the serious side of you. It's something to be admired, not everyone can do it.
And, just in case I haven't said it lately, I love ya!
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((((( Nellie )))))
That was a great post, I was so glad to see you had come in here today.
:-*
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Nellie )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Your post!!!!!!
Once in a while something like this happens. A post, a voice that really talks to me. This is not the first time a post of yours in this thread makes all the difference. You make a big difference. I am sure that is because you are the special woman you are, Nellie, You are such an important part of the heart of this forum. You carry it.
Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for being you. Thank you for coming here now, for making this post today.
Love you!
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(((((((((((((((((((Nellie)))))))))))))))))))
im always hrre for you
Marz xxx :-*
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I remember the first times I'd come in here and post at all hours of the day...didn't matter if I was at work or getting ready for bed...I'd sneak in here when my husband left the house or went in the back yard...didn't want him to know just how obsessed I was....
yeah, yeah....I remember too. And what will this forum be next year? In 2 years? What matters is now, we are in it now. Your friend is here now, Jackie is here now, Martin is here now....So much pain, so much love.
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(((((Nellie)))))
There is never a post of yours that I come across that I DON'T read! :D
Thank you so much!!
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(((((Nellie)))))
There is never a post of yours that I come across that I DON'T read! :D
Thank you so much!!
(((((((((((((((((((((((Nellie))))))))))))))))))))))))))
What John said is true for me also! Your post just above really rang true and touched me as so many have before. Thank you so much for all of your thoughtful posts........
:-* :-* :-*
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When Brokeback Mountain hit me in the gut I already knew it was time for a break in life. To process the deaths I had met, the grief, the pain of living close to serious diseases, the shame of being bullied at a workplace some years ago, the hard stress from running the family business and making it a success, the fights for the children's rights in the narrowminded schoolsystem of our county, the ‘howlings’ whenever the system let a child down (believe me that happened a lot during the years I was active).... I already knew I needed time to process what I had been going through. My strong reactions to the film isn’t so strange now that I think about it
Here and there on the forum I've started to talk about some of it. One thing I've never talked about is my best and dearest friend. It still hurts so much to talk about her death, or rather the way she ended her days, what the disease did to her.
After my first pregnancy, 1981, I had to get back in shape, had to go back to dancing. I need to dance, both for my physical health and for my sanity. I took some dance classes and was very energetic about it. The instructor said that there was another woman in another class that was just as energetic as I. That's how we got in contact. As both of us had studied physical theatre at the same place – but different times - we had heard of each other before.
The instructor saw to it that we started to improvise together. That's how we learned to know each other. Not by talking over a cup of tea or any of the usual ways. By improvising, creating performances and leading classes together.We spent more and more time in the studio. 4 – 5 times a week and before performances sometimes twice a day. The bonds between us became very strong and a unique friendship developed. I can't describe it. The process while improvising, moving – hours after hours – made us understand each other far beyond words.
She became a family member to us. Always around, for Christmas, the kids birthdays, Midsummer, Easter.... She was a very beautiful woman, met lots of men but never had a relationship long enough to move in together with someone. Her men came and went but it was with us and her original family far up north in Sweden she belonged. She was the godmother of my oldest son.
Even after those years of dancing intensively and when she moved to another city we kept on dancing and improvising when we met. Even when the symptoms of her terrible disease made it harder for her we tried to dance. As much as we could. We sort of danced together, anyway. But mostly we cried because there was nothing to do about it.
I didn't deal with her disease very well. Was so helpless, couldn't be there for her. My youngest son got a serious kidney disease that nearly killed him when he was four and kept us at hospital and under treatment for month after month. Over and over again, year after year. He was twelve when he was totally cured. It became harder and harder to keep in touch. She couldn't visit me like before. I could only leave town, kids and business long enough to visit her for some hours, a few times a year. She couldn't write letters or speak on the phone as the disease took over her life.
The disease, Huntington's chorea, was the worse imaginable. She slowly lost all her abilities, everything that required muscle control. Couldn't do anything without help. In the end she was hospitalised, nursed and watched over 24 hours a day. She was just skin and bones, nothing but a quivering package, could with difficulty express one or two words at the time and more like noices very hard to understand. But she was still thinking, feeling, seeing.... Her eyes... Her eyes communicated everything....
We used to listen to music then. The last CD I gave her was Jeff Buckley's Grace.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siNsgbIWhAQ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siNsgbIWhAQ)
I wish that I had been able to be strong for her then, but I couldn't. She was the one having to be strong for me. Can you believe that? She was the one being tortured and she had to comfort me... I couldn't pretend to be strong or calm about it. She knew I was pretending when I tried. Even laughed at me trying.
The last time I danced – I mean really, really danced the way the two of us used to do - was when she died four years ago. I danced and cried and danced until I couldn't move anymore. Ended up just laying there on the floor crying so much I nearly couldn't catch my breath.
I still dance, of course I do, but in another way, when there is a dancefloor and other people dancing. There are always moments then, in the dancing, when she is with me. When I can give in to the moving, the rhythm or the more (hmm... what to say...) lyrical level of the music/movement...
Wish I could end this way too long post in a positive and bright way. Say ‘life goes on’ or something..... But I haven't found words like that yet.
It felt good to write this down though.
If it wasn't for Nellie's post earlier I wouldn't have.
Once again, thank you Nellie! :-*
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(((((((Mia)))))))
Sweetheart, thanks for posting this. Sharing something so personal is so wonderful.
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((((((((((((((((((((((( Mia ))))))))))))))))))))))))
Yes, thank you so much for posting this. I feel like I understand you a little better now, just from reading it.
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((((((((((((((((((((((( Mia )))))))))))))))))))))))))
Thank you for sharing that with us.
*still crying here*
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Oh ((((( MIA ))))))
I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish we lived closer so I can give you a hug in person.
I'm so happy though, that you were able to tell us how you feel...well, at least some of it because knowing how you "really" feel is impossible...your pain and your heartbreak is very real to us,though..
Having to see a person so full of life turn into this "thing" was really hard for you...and you did what was right for you at the time...you should never feel guilty. You know your friend understood even though you never heard the exact words said by her...she knew that the strength she was getting to survive all this was coming from you...didn't you know that?....you think if she had never met you how would she have viewed her life?...the times you had with her was good times...those were her memories...she laughed at you because she knew you didn't understand then and knew you would understand now....your strength was her strength too. Your tears shed for her was her strength...all of that.
I remember feeling this same exact way not too long ago. In January as I sat in the kitchen of Mark and Paula's house (Jackie's son) I voiced my feelings with Mark..it was 2 am and we were emotionally tired. Not to mention he was trying to deal with the loss of his mother. But as I told him I wish I was there more for her...I wish I was able to be with her and just hold her hand...I had made plans to visit her this summer and wished I had made those plans for sooner..I wish I would of called her that day instead of saying..."Oh,I'll call her after work tomorrow"...tomorrow never came...she died that day...."if only" I said to Mark....instead of me comforting him...he started comforting me... he said "what were the last words you said to my mother?".....and I replied...."I love you,girl"..........and then what was so healing for me was his words to me after..."Then you did all you could have done,you were there for her and she knew"......*sigh*
Mia...this is a healing process...to talk ,to cry...it doesn't matter how many years pass us by...we have to learn to be easy on ourselves....I'm just like you...always blaming myself....give yourself some credit.
To dance again is hard...but a little at a time..you're going to see that it's going to be therapy for you. I know I can talk a lot of shit because the way you are with the dancing thing...I'm the same way with my drawing...I haven't touched a sketch pencil in years...14+ years to be exact....my healing is just that...and I haven't started yet....but we will get to it...and soon. Let's remind us of it,okay? ;)
As I read your post and felt the tears down my face I put myself in your shoes and felt your pain...so easier said than done. I know,I understand...I really do. To be in the hospital with your son and wonder what will become of all this is so real to me too. My son wasn't as bad as yours,but his health wasn't the best either. After losing my first born child and conceiving 6 months later to have him was really hard for me...when he was 6 months old all the way until he was 8 I was always rushing him to Children's Memorial for breathing problems...at 13 now, he has fully recovered ..thank God. Lots can be overlooked for parents of a sick child...
This movie of ours have done just that...it's making us "feel"...it's making us realize just how important our lives were back then and now. All our troubles and why it had to happen is all making sense to us now....I think it is....I say it is.....it's made us stronger and helped us deal with our problems better...hasn't it?.....all the things that have happened to us in our lives have made us who we are today....
Here I go again....I want to share something with you all ...an e-mail sent to me by my boss Charlie....and I think it's very appropriate for this topic,Mia....Charlie joined our Forum in January and hasn't really posted much though..he's a great guy and I'm so glad I met him....
You never know when your guardian angel will be there for you so I have to try...
I am sending this to you to see how many actually read their e- mail .
Your response will be interesting.. Pay attention to what you read.
After you have finished reading it, you will know the reason it was sent to you.
Here goes:
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person..
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to
aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a Godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to
have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to
use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being a part of my life. . . . . . ..
. . .. . . . whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.
Nelie...:-*
-
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Mia and Nellie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Thank you sooooo much both of you for your heartfelt, honest, wonderful, emotional and deeply deeply moving posts!!!!! :-* :-* :-*
I have the feeling that you both poured your hearts out here, in front of all us.....that takes a great deal of courage and trust to do, and I feel honoured to be able to take part of it with you.
I also think that when you finally are able to talk about, or express in any other way, a trauma in you life, that's when the healing process starts......
And I do believe that that's part of the magic and wonder of BBM, that it makes us think of, talk about and share some of our deeply hidden traumas and sorrows and scars..... it's very painful, but it also is the start of a healing process.
And to be able to share this with so many wonderful people who share the exact same experience of bbm and understand fully, that is really a blessing......
By having the courage to be so personal in your posts, you are both contributing a great deal to all of us and to this forum.
-
((((((((((Nellie))))))))))
((((((((((Mia))))))))))
Thank you both for sharing the story with us.
Nellie, you are never done!
:-* :-* :-*
Reiko
-
Thank you so much for taking your time to listen. Thank you ((((((((((( Chuck )))))))))), (((((((((((((( Debbie )))))))))))))), (((((((((((((((( Sonja )))))))))))))
Thank you ((((((((((((((((( my far away kindred spirit Sue ))))))))))))))) and ((((((((((((((((((( Nellie ))))))))))))))) for being here crying with me.
Nellie, let's do that, remind each other of getting back to drawing/dancing. Let's do that. :-*
Imouto no ((((((((((((((((Reiko-chan))))))))))))))))))
Thank you so much for sending me the links to your previous posts in this thread. http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=23626.330 I vaguely remember reading your posts as I read the continued affected me-thread from the beginning before making my first post. Couldn't separate one poster from another then, as I didn't know you or the others as much as I know now.
I was so thankful for this thread. The tone, the heart, the warmth between people coming here.
If time and room didn't exist. If we met, you and I in our early teens.... Let's play that game for a few minutes. When you just lost your father and all the family traumas came to the surface and affected the little kid you were. When I couldn't deal with my parents traumatic divorce only days before I moved to the huge school closer to the city than the small school by the church.... The two years after the divorce - like for you the years between 13 and 15 was very hard - when I lost my great grandmother, my grandmother, our beloved dog and the place I'll always call my home.....
Imagine we met back then when no one saw us or our needs. The idea of meeting you then is a comforting thought to me.
I think that's just the game I'll play today as I take that long walk by the sea I plan to. It's a beautiful day here, sunny and with a blue, blue sky, the air is high and fresh. I'll pretend to be that teenager walking and talking with the teenager that was you.
Hope I don't meet too many people. They'll probably think I'm nuts walking there talking to myself. ;)
*Does a Nellie laugh*
Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha................
-
I know,I understand...I really do. To be in the hospital with your son and wonder what will become of all this is so real to me too. My son wasn't as bad as yours,but his health wasn't the best either. After losing my first born child and conceiving 6 months later to have him was really hard for me...when he was 6 months old all the way until he was 8 I was always rushing him to Children's Memorial for breathing problems...at 13 now, he has fully recovered ..thank God. Lots can be overlooked for parents of a sick child...
No words! Just love!
-
We used to listen to music then. The last CD I gave her was Jeff Buckley's Grace.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siNsgbIWhAQ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siNsgbIWhAQ)
No words.....no words. Maybe music.
This is for you Mia http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=S6kQW17zBWg&feature=related Mozart, adagio dal concerto per clarinetto e orchestra K622
Can you hear it? I think that when he wrote this, Mozart knew all about it already.
-
((((((((((((((((((Nellie)))))))))))))))))))))
Once again, your words have touched me deeply.
Thank you for your beautiful post.
-
We used to listen to music then. The last CD I gave her was Jeff Buckley's Grace.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siNsgbIWhAQ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siNsgbIWhAQ)
No words.....no words. Maybe music.
This is for you Mia http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=S6kQW17zBWg&feature=related Mozart, adagio dal concerto per clarinetto e orchestra K622
Can you hear it? I think that when he wrote this, Mozart knew all about it already.
(((((((Daniela))))))))))
There are no words to say what this piece of music says.
-
We used to listen to music then. The last CD I gave her was Jeff Buckley's Grace.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siNsgbIWhAQ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siNsgbIWhAQ)
No words.....no words. Maybe music.
This is for you Mia http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=S6kQW17zBWg&feature=related Mozart, adagio dal concerto per clarinetto e orchestra K622
Can you hear it? I think that when he wrote this, Mozart knew all about it already.
I can hear it. Thank you so much!
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
-
(((((((Daniela))))))))))
There are no words to say what this piece of music says.
Isn't this a wonder? Through the years, through geographical distances.........
(((((((((((Sue, Mia and all our brokie-family )))))))))))
-
Imouto no ((((((((((((((((Reiko-chan))))))))))))))))))
Imagine we met back then when no one saw us or our needs. The idea of meeting you then is a comforting thought to me.
I think that's just the game I'll play today as I take that long walk by the sea I plan to. It's a beautiful day here, sunny and with a blue, blue sky, the air is high and fresh. I'll pretend to be that teenager walking and talking with the teenager that was you.
We met! Better late than never! :-*
And I know there are so many other members who would have joined us in that walk.
That is why I am still here, after all these months, I don't intend to leave.
love to you all
Reiko
-
Wish I could end this way too long post in a positive and bright way. Say ‘life goes on’ or something..... But I haven't found words like that yet.
It felt good to write this down though.
((((((Mia))))))))), thanks for sharing that story with us. I'm so, so sorry for you! :'(
And thanks to you too, Nellie!
I don't come to this thread very often... mostly because I don't have much to say. No big changes in my life. Fortunately no big tragedies in my life (and I hope it will stay that way for a very long time... forever, if possible :-\) On the other hand, no big positive things in my life either that would be worth telling about. That's probably why I don't come here very often... too depressing to think about missed opportunities. Or worse, about opportunities I wasn't even aware that were there. (Sorry for being a bit confusing... I'm off to the more shallow threads I usually frequent. Well... most of those threads haven't been so shallow either since the start of this year.)
-
Thank you (((((((((((((((((( Corinne ))))))))))))))))))!!!
Here's to you recognizing and grabbing the opportunities when they come.
:-* :-*
-
Corinne,
Thank you so much for posting in here...I've heard so many people say that they won't post in this thread because what they say isn't as important or that they just don't know what to say....I have often wondered why this Forum of so many hundreds of people never participate in here....of course I understand that it's not for everyone...but still.
Your words are important....to all of us...your kind words move stones....when it comes from the heart,I can tell...
I'm glad you see that you STILL have many opportunities awaiting you....you don't have to have a major life changing event or a tragedy (God forbid)...the fact that you're aware, is life changing all together.
((hugs)) to you
Nellie
-
I’ve just had 2 weeks away from all this, and I wondered what effect it would have on my addiction. I must admit it wasn’t entirely cold turkey – I had the soundtrack and a couple of photos to support me, and read bits of ‘Story to Screenplay’ in a bookshop. But what I hadn’t reckoned on was all the BBM resonances on a 4 day camping trip on a Scottish island. It started with a serious ‘tent don’t look right’ moment, but luckily it didn’t go nowhere in spite of a high wind and rain. Then we were camping by Calgary Bay (not at all high-altitude though :D). Cooking on a campfire - butane cooker backup available. And the best thing was washing the coffeepot in the river – I didn’t even have to contrive the situation. My husband got fed up with asking what I was grinning about.
So anyway here I am back again, and after all I don’t really feel very different. I’ve had a few faint inklings about why I might have the Brokeback syndrome, but nothing particularly enlightening. I have stopped feeling quite so emotionally vulnerable generally, but I haven’t managed to watch the film again yet except for the 32 minutes before Aguirre’s binoculars – that section is pure pleasure and I can see it as an entity without any sense of the impending tragedy (unlike when reading the SS). The rest of the film I know will still make me teary, but the only thing that has made me really sob was Jari’s video. Why? I don't know.
If you’re around, Orleanas, you said some time ago that it had changed the way that you read things and perhaps how you were going to teach your students – I’d be interested to know in what way? I know I'd become very careless about reading, and do think I'm concentrating more now.
I really enjoy the discussions about the film and book, even if the symbolism is sometimes a bit too much for me! And I'm certainly as addicted as ever to the forum.
-
Welcome back, Cally!
-
but I haven’t managed to watch the film again yet except for the 32 minutes before Aguirre’s binoculars – that section is pure pleasure and I can see it as an entity without any sense of the impending tragedy
I remember doing the same thing for a long time. Needed to see as much as possible without even a glimpse of Aguirre and his binoculars.
Welcome back (((((( Cally )))))
-
I see this film to be the catalyst that's pushing me to go beyond just circling the coffee pot.
What a beautiful post, Orleanas. You're in the right place. I hope your Brokeback experience helps you find the path you are searching for. It did for me and for so many others. I believe you will be healed, energized and renewed by the journey of self-discovery that you have begun.
I wish you peace, joy, and serenity.
Trish
-
Good to see ya here, Trishie!
-
This is my friend, Diane Zaluski on the far left of this picture holding a trophy she and I received in Horticulture class...I'm the third girl on the right...God I miss her so much but I can still hear her crazy ass polaka laugh...RIP Diane...I love you!...say hello to Jackie and give her a kiss from me,will you?
Thanks for listening...thanks for being there for me...
Nellie
Nellie,
You still rock my world with your heartfelt posts.....
((((((((NELLIE))))))))
-
((((((((((((CHUCKSTEROFLOVE)))))))))))))
-
Hey Trish! *waves*
-
I remember doing the same thing for a long time. Needed to see as much as possible without even a glimpse of Aguirre and his binoculars.
Hateful man! Thanks for the hug. Sorry I won't meet you in Sweden - Sara
-
Another autumn approaching. A season I love.
Yet. Is it just me or some kind of melancholy is creeping every now and then?
Many people, I notice, aren't posting as much as they used to (I among them). Just an impression?
I don't know....Still this place is so important. Hopefully, some of us will meet and share time and emotions in Sweden, soon.
As for the others, we gotta do what we can, and share virtual hugs and real feelings through our Internet connections.
:-*
-
Corinne,
Thank you so much for posting in here...I've heard so many people say that they won't post in this thread because what they say isn't as important or that they just don't know what to say....I have often wondered why this Forum of so many hundreds of people never participate in here....of course I understand that it's not for everyone...but still.
Your words are important....to all of us...your kind words move stones....when it comes from the heart,I can tell...
I'm glad you see that you STILL have many opportunities awaiting you....you don't have to have a major life changing event or a tragedy (God forbid)...the fact that you're aware, is life changing all together.
((hugs)) to you
Nellie
Thanks for your kind words, Nellie! I honestly still don't know why BBM has affected me the way it has as nothing in it is directly related to my life. All I know is that it shows you things about yourself that you weren't necessarily aware of before... although in my case, I don't exactly know what these things are. I suspect it's got to do with wasted opportunities and things that didn't happen. :-\
I'm just really glad I've found this place and its people. At first to help me deal with the impact the movie had on me and then, more recently, to share the grief I've felt since Heath's death (as anyone will know who has met me on the Heath threads over the past few months, I'm one of the pathetic Heath fans who just don't "get over it"... ::))
-
(as anyone will know who has met me on the Heath threads over the past few months, I'm one of the pathetic Heath fans who just don't "get over it"... ::))
You're not pathetic at all
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Corinne ))))))))))))))))))))))))))
-
Another autumn approaching. A season I love.
Yet. Is it just me or some kind of melancholy is creeping every now and then?
Many people, I notice, aren't posting as much as they used to (I among them). Just an impression?
I don't know....Still this place is so important. Hopefully, some of us will meet and share time and emotions in Sweden, soon.
As for the others, we gotta do what we can, and share virtual hugs and real feelings through our Internet connections.
:-*
Daniela!!!!
I'm also one of those not posting so much lately...... In my case it's due to RL issues and, yes, also a kind of melancholy....
I totally agree with you, we gotta do what we can, support each other, "share virtual hugs and real feelings" as you so wonderfully put it.
This place is VERY important to me, the only place where I can meet other brokies, understand and be understood.....
The impact is still so powerful..... And as you say Corinne, I still don't know why......
This whole bbm thing is a mystery to me.... it affects my whole life and all my thoughts and emotions.....
This place is really a gift..... I'm quite sure the forum saved my sanity when I first came here..... and I ain't joking....
I'm at the point now where I don't really know if it's healthy or not to spend so much time on the forum.... it's an addiction that prevents me from doing RL things.....on the other hand I NEED this place....... I don't know......
It seems it's the melancholy that's talking in this post of mine......
-
i know how you feel, im addicted i know it and i don't care so thats why i spend loads of time on the forum i was trying to cut down but i decided it was to much and i couldn't cope!
my mum knows that i love and im obsessed with the film (and heath and jake) and she doesn't mind and as long as she doesn't neither do i!!
-
Yikes!! look what someone sent me....I hope no one in this Forum is guilty of this.. ::)
http://www.towleroad.com/2008/09/stop-sending-an.html
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nop i was really annoyed when i heard that she should be greatful for BBM!!!!
i think i wrote something in her thread this morning (but can't remember this morning was along time ago)
-
Hello friends,
Just another moment or two I have...
Remember how it is when you're so busy and you keep saying..."oh,we'll do it tomorrow"....or " I promise tomorrow"...and then tomorrow may never get here?......for those of you who have children...remember those days when you broke their little hearts when you didn't mean to?...breaking promises?.....ugh
I heard my 10 yr old daughter say to me last night..."but you promised!!"...8:30 pm,I'm tired as all hell watching the Cubs game of course...the damn game was so good...we were kicking the Met's asses!! a great game...
She wanted to see the movie.."The Bucket List"....kept talking about it for days and days...she's only seen it a hundred times.I never have..wanted to sit with me and watch it together...to have a moment...a mother/daughter moment and here I was ...ugh
I have to tell you that one of the MAIN reasons our movie,Brokeback Mountain, moved me so much was that tomorrow never came....the "what if"...never happened...you always think tomorrow will get here.....and what if it never does?....you will regret it for ever...I had many of those "what if's"....the person dies, moves, or whatever
In a sudden instant,I remembered this ...I thought even in the 8th inning of this game I thought of that "what if"....as small as it was...it wasn't a life time event....it was my little girls heart....as she looked down on the floor and walked to her room and closed her bedroom door ...my heart fell...it fell somewhere I didn't want to be anymore...ever..
I ran to her bedroom and laid on her bed...and we both watched the movie. Her eyes were as big as saucers and she glanced at me every now and then...she even said..."mom,if you don't understand something,just ask me "....oh the innocence of a child....what she taught me that night was something I will never forget....the movie was WONDERFUL...and touching and it fits so well in this thread....to do the things you always wanted to do before it's too late...they were dying and they wanted to live their lives to the fullest....we cried together and it was MAGICAL!!!
We hugged and said our "I love you's"....*sigh*.....a message from an angel
Oh God, how stupid can I be...but it wasn't too late....I didn't have a what if...a lesson learned and taught by a 10 year old...
Friends.....don't put anything off until tomorrow...no matter how small it is....you promise?
Nellie...xo
-
(((((((((((((((((Nellie)))))))))))))))))))
The wisdom of a child.......
-
((((((((((((((((((((Nellie))))))))))))))))))))
-
I have to tell you that one of the MAIN reasons our movie,Brokeback Mountain, moved me so much was that tomorrow never came....the "what if"...never happened...you always think tomorrow will get here.....and what if it never does?....you will regret it for ever...I had many of those "what if's"....the person dies, moves, or whatever
In a sudden instant,I remembered this ...I thought even in the 8th inning of this game I thought of that "what if"....as small as it was...it wasn't a life time event....it was my little girls heart....as she looked down on the floor and walked to her room and closed her bedroom door ...my heart fell...it fell somewhere I didn't want to be anymore...ever..
I ran to her bedroom and laid on her bed...and we both watched the movie.
Friends.....don't put anything off until tomorrow...no matter how small it is....you promise?
Ennis centered a post card, stood back and admired shirts, and through tears, uttered, "Jack, I swear....". Till' the day he died, he regreted puttin' somethin' off he always ment to do.
Brad
-
Friends.....don't put anything off until tomorrow...no matter how small it is....you promise?
We all think we know that, and yet we still forget or can't be bothered - we need all the reminders we can get.
Thank you for telling that story - it brought so many feelings about my own children and my 9 year old granddaughter. I loved the bit about her watching for your reactions :). And I'll send her that email today.
-
Hello friends,
We hugged and said our "I love you's"....*sigh*.....a message from an angel
Oh God, how stupid can I be...but it wasn't too late....I didn't have a what if...a lesson learned and taught by a 10 year old...
Friends.....don't put anything off until tomorrow...no matter how small it is....you promise?
Nellie...xo
Truly inspirational, Nellie. Thanks so much for sharing this with us. It reminds me of this piece a friend sent me several years ago. Unfortunately, he was diagnosed with Alzheimers at the age of only 53. He's lucky in that his boyfriend decided to marry him realizing full well what a huge task he was undertaking. Right now, it's up and down for both of them (they live abroad), but I've never forgotten this poem or him...
Remember your Friends
Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.
And I never see my old friends face,
For life is a swift and terrible race.
He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.
And he rang mine but we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.
“Tomorrow,” I say, “I’ll call on Jim
Just to show that I’m thinking of him.”
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.
Around the corner, yet miles away,
“Here’s a telegram sir, Jim died today.”
And that’s what we get and deserve in the end.
Around the corner, a vanished friend.
Remember to always say what you mean. If you love someone, tell them. Don’t be afraid to express yourself. Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you. Because when you decide that it is the right time it might be too late.
Seize the day. Never have regrets. And most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today.
Rick
(richchan)
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Rich...thank you so much for this poem, it's so sad and yet so beautiful.... :-*
Nellie
-
Friends.....don't put anything off until tomorrow...no matter how small it is....you promise?
I will try to.
Thanks for reminding me.
Tomorrow never comes, it is always today, it is always only 'now'. It is this moment. The only thing we have. It is this step.
The destination, as a master said, is secondary. The step is primary.
-
What a wonderful post (((((((Nellie))))))
Thank you so much for reminding me of making a difference between what's important and what isn't.
Those important things are not always the ones we at first think......
-
And thank you so much Rick for that poem and those wonderful words! It can never be said too many times.....
-
It's my one year anniversary of the film today.
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi215.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fcc19%2FJanssonmamma%2Fheath%2Fnobodys.jpg&hash=57ee20fcc3273632bdd42292f2ed96d6bddef9c4)
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Happy Anniversary Mia!!
Sal ;D
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Happy Brokeback Anniversary, ((((Mia))))! :-*
-
Happy Anniversary, mines in december as i got the film for christmas,(07) not long now
-
There is a difference between knowing of something and to know something.
I never had any qualms about gay people before seeing BBM. I knew that there were no logical reasons for it and that gay people were just like everybody else.
But after becoming a Brokie and having met several gay people, I can really say that I now know for sure what I only knew of before .
If that makes any sense
and on a less serious note...
and then, my knowledge of male/male sex has of course increase exponentially 8)
-
...
and then, my knowledge of male/male sex has of course increased exponentially 8)
HA HA. You and me both, Buffymon! rofl.
AND oh what a massive increase in such knowledge it has been, and continues to be, for me.
Johnnyx
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Happy BBM anniversary ((((((((((((((((((((((((((Mia))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) !!
What a year it has been!
-
It's my one year anniversary of the film today.
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi215.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fcc19%2FJanssonmamma%2Fheath%2Fnobodys.jpg&hash=57ee20fcc3273632bdd42292f2ed96d6bddef9c4)
Happy anniversary Mia! ;D
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Thank you ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Sal, Linda, Marz, Sue, Chuck ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))!!!!!!
Oh yeah.... What a year...
Wonder what the next year will bring....
See you in How The Dave Cullen Forum Has Affected Me-thread in a few days... ;)
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(((((((((((((Mia)))))))))))
I'm a bit late, but HAPPY BBM ANNIVERSARY!!!!!!!! :-* :-* :-*
See you tomorrow!!! YAYYYYYY!!!!!!!
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Hi Everyone! I just saw BBM yesterday and I'm so depressed! It was so beautiful...
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welcome to the fold, blue mountain. more will be revealed, i expect.
in the meantime, knock yourself out, and make sure you get 5 posts off so that you can send private messages as well as post.
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Welcome to Dave Cullen Forum, Blue Mountain!
Glad you found us!
IF you have any questions, feel free to ask!
Chuck
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it affects me on a daily basis
when im not watching the film, im either on here talking about it or listening to the soundtrack which im doing now, or searching for memorbilla
it has taken over my life and i love it
welcome to the forum blue mountain
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Welcome to the forum BlueMountain!!!!
We all know what you are going through right now, the sadness, the depression..... we've all been there....
Please go in posting here, we're all here to help you in this. Here you can express your feelings among likeminded people.
Looking forward to seeing more of your posts!
Sonja
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Boy, do I know how you feel! How can it be so beautiful yet depress me so much all at the same time? So glad you found the forum and posted your thought. Please come back and post more! You sound like such a sensitive soul.
Welcome once again--there are some wonderful people on this forum. I love 'em.
Mark
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I've been away for a few days.
My best friend of the past 33 years, John Haggerty, died on Thursday. The funeral was Sunday iin Bay City.
It was very unexpected.
John had been overweight for a long time, but in the past year and a half he managed to lose 185 pounds. The last time I talked to him he bragged that his waist size was smaller than mine now. In fact it was smaller than my waist has been for the past 3 or 4 years, but I didn't tell him that.
Everyone I talked to in Bay City this weekend said the same thing, that John was looking better than he had in years, and he seemed a lot happier. He was getting out more often, buying new clothes, and enjoying life once again.
He suffered from epilepsy all of his life. I went through several seizures with him over the years.
I had been telling John about the forum for the past 2 years, and he was looking forward to meeting a lot of the people here in the next year. He was planning on visiting me in January and meeting the San Francisco crowd, and we were talking about him joining us in Phoenix next April.
The last time we spoke on the phone, he told me that he just got a new Brokeback Mountain poster and got it framed right away. When I went to his apartment on Sunday with his daughter, it was hanging right next to his bed.
I took John to see Brokeback Mountain back in February 2006. Twice.
I'm sure the movie had a positive effect. It was just shortly after that he began to seriously consider losing weight and getting back into life.
I never managed to get John to join the forum. He just wasn't very high tech. But he did understand email, and I must have emailed him over 100 of the best posts from the forum. He also had a copy of our book, and he said he could relate to a lot of what we wrote. I'm sure you all understand.
I'm not sure where I am with this right now. I have a lot of anger about the way this happened, just as I did when Jackie died earlier this year, at a time when she too was making positive changes and getting a new lease on life. But Michael Flanagan pointed out to me last night that it's better to go out while you're up. I'll try to believe that. I'll try to stand it.
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My dear John,
I am so very sorry about your loss. I grieve with you in the loss of your buddy. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Friend.
A big hug from me,
Mark
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((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( John ))))))))))))))))))))))))))!!!!
So sad to hear about your loss.
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It's my one year anniversary of the film today.
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi215.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fcc19%2FJanssonmamma%2Fheath%2Fnobodys.jpg&hash=57ee20fcc3273632bdd42292f2ed96d6bddef9c4)
Happy anniversary Mia. What a year this has been.
And this is one of my favourite pics from the movie btw.
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There is a difference between knowing of something and to know something.
I never had any qualms about gay people before seeing BBM. I knew that there were no logical reasons for it and that gay people were just like everybody else.
But after becoming a Brokie and having met several gay people, I can really say that I now know for sure what I only knew of before .
If that makes any sense
and on a less serious note...
and then, my knowledge of male/male sex has of course increase exponentially 8)
What she said! Same for me, Monika! ;)
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I've been away for a few days.
(((((((((((((((((((((((John))))))))))))))))))))))))
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(((((((((( John )))))))))))))
I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your friend.
It doesn't seem fair, the timing, but Michael's words seem very wise. Your friend John had some happy times recently he might not have otherwise had, and that's something to be thankful for.
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(((((((((John))))))))
So sorry for your loss. I know what it's like to loose a long time friend like that.
My best friend since 30 years died in march. With her died a part of my youth that I now have noone to share with.
I never got to tell her about bbm. By the time I was hit by this thing she was already to sick for me to share it with her. But I know she would have been happy for me had she known..... I would have loved to talk to her about the whole thing, as we have always shared shared our lives with each other. She was very sensible and sensitive and I would really like to know what her thoughts was about it all.....
That will never happen.......
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(((((((((John))))))))
So sorry for your loss. I know what it's like to loose a long time friend like that.
My best friend since 30 years died in march. With her died a part of my youth that I now have noone to share with.
Yes it's like that with me too.
2 1/2 years ago I wrote about my first lover, Alan, and that post was included in our book.
John was the only friend I had left who knew Alan and me back in them earlier days.
Thanks for the hugs everyone.
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((((John)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I am so sorry for your loss.....
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John, I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling now.
(((((John)))))
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<snip>
I'm not sure where I am with this right now. I have a lot of anger about the way this happened, just as I did when Jackie died earlier this year, at a time when she too was making positive changes and getting a new lease on life. But Michael Flanagan pointed out to me last night that it's better to go out while you're up. I'll try to believe that. I'll try to stand it.
Oh John,I'm so sorry....((((John))))
It's so hard to say to people to stay up and try to think of all the good things...it's hard to stay focused,isn't it. We find ways some how to balance our lives in ways that will work best...keeping ourselves busy...staying close to family and close friends that can hold your head up...keeping their memory alive. Listening to old songs that you and they liked...remembering past conversations that always put a smile on your face....
That's how I cope,John....that's all you can do right now.....allow yourself to feel angry...allow yourself to cry...throw something...swear....punch something..(soft)....it's okay
Michael is right,John....I often think about when Jackie became sick...BEFORE she knew she had cancer...her life was great...her tone in her voice and her excitement she expressed every time she talked about this Forum and the people she grew to love...meeting all of you...her last 2 years were her BEST....she didn't die a lonely person...just like your friend ....he had YOU...he had Brokeback...he was happy.
John, it's going to take some time...you may not see it right now and it's okay....just know that we're here for you..okay?
Love ya
Nellie....xo :-*
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Please read...good to know info....especially if you have small children,nieces,nephews or grandchildren
http://www.childdrowningprevention.com/index.html
Nellie ;D
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My condolences to you John. May your happy memories of John give/bring you the solace you need to cope with what must be a devastating loss. My prayers are with you.
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My condolences to you John.
Think of the happiness you gave John over the years, and finally with your exposing him to the BBM phenomenon.
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A Little Extreme Brokiedom
It started with a weekend at the San Diego Rodeo with MichaelFlanaganSF, WLAJoe and Mary. It moved on to volunteering on the Rodeo Production Team, followed by joining the Golden State Gay Rodeo Association-Greater San Diego Chapter.
Finally, after months of training, it was Bull Riding School in Fernley, NV. Here I am on Sunday morning, all geared up ready to get on my 4th bull. This was one of the two most awesome experiences of my entire 58 year life!
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi80.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fj170%2Fjimgrrr%2FBullRidingSchool%2FJimGearedUpSmall.jpg&hash=f41a19aa9079b08f9019f20f5f716bab2a24298b)
When it came time to turn in my gear, I couldn't give back my bullrope - it felt like I'd be giving back my good luck - I bought it. Who knows? Maybe that means competition next season.
This school travels the country and trains mainly people headed to professional rodeo. PM me if you'd like more info. If you've ever dreamed riding a bronc or a bull, YOU CAN DO IT! After riding a bull, nothing will ever intimidate you again.
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You go, Jim.Grr!!!! Lookin' good!
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If you've ever dreamed riding a bronc or a bull, YOU CAN DO IT! After riding a bull, nothing will ever intimidate you again.
AND that's NO BULL !!! bwahahha :D ::)
Awesome, glad you had a chance to do that...thanks for sharing!! ;D
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Pix!
This is the bull that kicked me in the head. Praise to the helmet gods!
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi80.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fj170%2Fjimgrrr%2FBullRidingSchool%2FThumbRide3-1.png&hash=48c92f541398d93a093cb4cf29cca8605de85572)
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi80.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fj170%2Fjimgrrr%2FBullRidingSchool%2FThumbRide3-3.png&hash=9c347951dbe44d6a66359b4cd3cad06f33e89887)
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his hoof is probably just as grateful... if a hoof could be grateful. ;)
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Pix!
This is the bull that kicked me in the head. Praise to the helmet gods!
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi80.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fj170%2Fjimgrrr%2FBullRidingSchool%2FThumbRide3-1.png&hash=48c92f541398d93a093cb4cf29cca8605de85572)
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi80.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fj170%2Fjimgrrr%2FBullRidingSchool%2FThumbRide3-3.png&hash=9c347951dbe44d6a66359b4cd3cad06f33e89887)
OMG! How can anyone survive that?
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A Little Extreme Brokiedom
Finally, after months of training, it was Bull Riding School in Fernley, NV. Here I am on Sunday morning, all geared up ready to get on my 4th bull. This was one of the two most awesome experiences of my entire 58 year life!
Fierce!!!
Wonderful courage.
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It's my one year anniversary of the film today.
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi215.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fcc19%2FJanssonmamma%2Fheath%2Fnobodys.jpg&hash=57ee20fcc3273632bdd42292f2ed96d6bddef9c4)
Happy anniversary Mia. What a year this has been.
And this is one of my favourite pics from the movie btw.
This BEAUTIFUL PICTURE, sadly in this context can only remind me of an unfair world.
You cant tell me that in all this space, these 2 innocent men cannot find a tiny little place just for the two of them.
Very sad irony.
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:-\
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Well, JN, I believe they could but AP wouldn't have had such a powerful story to tell, would she? :'(
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A Little Extreme Brokiedom
i'll say! i remember when you said you wanted to try bull riding, and wow, you freakin did it. you have huevos the size of the baja peninsula, my friend! i can't imagine sitting atop one of those creatures. i've been beside them at stock shows, safely behind the fence, and just to see them snort and jump up and down and crash against the bars scared the crap outta me.
glad your adventure in NV went well.. and that you were able to fulfill your dream of riding the bulls... that's pretty darn amazing and i'm sure it's a forum first! i think this will make it to TDS!
oh, and i'm glad they made you wear a helmet. i hope you didn't hurt that bull's foot, LOL.
and please, please, don't start doing the really crazy things.. you know, doing handstands on horses in rhinestones and fringe as they race around the ring... ;) :D
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I'm not sure where I am with this right now. I have a lot of anger about the way this happened, just as I did when Jackie died earlier this year, at a time when she too was making positive changes and getting a new lease on life. But Michael Flanagan pointed out to me last night that it's better to go out while you're up. I'll try to believe that. I'll try to stand it.
Hey John,
Never easy, never easy stuff like this..always makes you think why? why now? Unfortunately I guess none of us have the answer and all you can do is celebrate the life of your good friend, never forget him, and realise that his life had meaning and purpose and he did play his role in this large cosmic journey that we are on...
My deepest sympathies to you bud...
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This BEAUTIFUL PICTURE, sadly in this context can only remind me of an unfair world.
You cant tell me that in all this space, these 2 innocent men cannot find a tiny little place just for the two of them.
Very sad irony.
Yes, that is the irony isn't it...
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Hey Jim,
That is excellent news, excellent news indeed....
I wonder if that is a first for the "How Brokeback Affected Me" thread...someone decided to take up bull riding...I love it...
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Hey Jim,
That is excellent news, excellent news indeed....
I wonder if that is a first for the "How Brokeback Affected Me" thread...someone decided to take up bull riding...I love it...
Don't tell anyone, but I used my Montreal Jazz Festival money to do this. It was th right choice.
Jim
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Hey Jim,
That is excellent news, excellent news indeed....
I wonder if that is a first for the "How Brokeback Affected Me" thread...someone decided to take up bull riding...I love it...
Don't tell anyone, but I used my Montreal Jazz Festival money to do this. It was th right choice.
Jim
Ah, well next time, next time...
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what´t the title of the book that was written by people from the forum? is it the one titled "Beyond Brokeback?"
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Yes, it's called "Beyond Brokeback: The Impact of a film" you can see details and buy it here :- http://astore.amazon.com/davecullencom-20/detail/1595941223
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Yes, it's called "Beyond Brokeback: The Impact of a film" you can see details and buy it here :- http://astore.amazon.com/davecullencom-20/detail/1595941223
thanks! I think I´ll get myself a copy. Sorry for going OT
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Yes, it's called "Beyond Brokeback: The Impact of a film" you can see details and buy it here :- http://astore.amazon.com/davecullencom-20/detail/1595941223
thanks! I think I´ll get myself a copy. Sorry for going OT
as one of those quoted, and about to acknowledge 3, you read that right, three, years of attachment to the people i met through brokeback mountain's effects, i'd say you were anything BUT off topic... ;D
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Absolutley right there Jack ;)
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on 10/30 3 years ago i posted a response to a comment on dave cullen's old blog in reference to the story and his review from telluride, i believe. a few weeks went by and i was back and posting began in ernest, as i found others excited by the movie prospects and trailers, and with personal stories to share.
i have posted that "resigned to cold comfort" post in years past. suffice it to say i am not the same man. there are very few things i will do daily for 3 years running. this apparently is one of them.
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Bull! The Video
Watch the stop motion for the hoof clipping my helmet.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46injKQTR_Q (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46injKQTR_Q)
Get the music here:
http://www.sankeyrodeoequipment.com/inc/sdetail/3611 (http://www.sankeyrodeoequipment.com/inc/sdetail/3611)
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Bull! The Video
Watch the stop motion for the hoof clipping my helmet.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46injKQTR_Q (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46injKQTR_Q)
Get the music here:
http://www.sankeyrodeoequipment.com/inc/sdetail/3611 (http://www.sankeyrodeoequipment.com/inc/sdetail/3611)
Brilliant video Jim. As someone who has been around cattle most of her life, I tip my hat to your bravery - you'd NEVER find me doing that!!
Sal ;D
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Great vid, Jim! So cool to watch, and I agree with Tigs! *tips hat to Jim & his bravery*
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Great video, Jim ;D...you've got B_ _ _ S...!! :o
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Bulls? ;) :D
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Hello ...it's me again..some times I feel like I'm writing in my diary...one I used to religiously write to almost daily since I discovered boys ::)
Every now and then I come across a movie that really hits me...it may be something I strongly believed in or something that I never thought of much....since Brokeback..not too many movies have touched me so...but today for some reason,after leaving work a little early,going out to vote...(may the best man win,that's all I'm gonna say about that... whewwww 8) ) I sat down with my cup of coffee and started watching a movie from 1993...one that I had never watched or really paid that much attention to..."Philadelphia"..I didn't even know what this movie was all about....and where the hell was I when it first came out?
I don't even know where to start...I don't even know what to really say other than I have this urge to vent...to talk about mixed emotions that overcame me....when AIDS first came out people were so scared...the "gay" disease....how ignorant people were then...how very ignorant people can STILL be. I still find people behaving this way and it's scary.
I have always stood for what's right,I don't think I was scared to voice my opinions and even today ...ESPECIALLY today...I find many words in my mouth...
This movie touched me so much today...it made me angry..it made me sad...I cried and then I thought of a few friends of mine who died from AIDS....of friends who walked around with sores on their bodies and they too tried to hide them. But not once did I really understand what they were going thru....not once did I put myself in their shoes....we weren't close but I knew them....I talked to them,I laughed with them,I partied with them....why didn't I see it?....why was it Brokeback Mountain that woke me? ...anyway...who cares now....I've woken almost 3 years ago...things are different for me...my life will never be what it was....and thank God for that.
I find new respect for life...life that everyone deserves no matter who you are or who you decide to sleep with....or who you love....I love all people and my life is so much richer now because of it. I'm so glad I've had many experiences in my life...many not so good,and so many that were. I still wonder where all this is going to go....is there more?...only time will tell.
After tonight our Country is going to change....after tonight,I hope many good changes will evolve. For all of us...I hope that every single one of you will be effected personally in a positive way...I pray for you all...I really do...call me silly...call be loca..but I still feel my connections here...I still pray for peace for you all...peace in your hearts...good health...love....whatever the hell you want...lol
and so I wonder , why is it that a movie has so much effect on us?....I hope they continue to make movies like these....reminders...we NEED reminders....
so anyway,that's all I have to say....ha ha ha...I vented,I feel better, and as always...God Bless
Nellie...xo
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(((((((((((((((((((Nildita))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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...I sat down with my cup of coffee and started watching a movie from 1993...one that I had never watched or really paid that much attention to..."Philadelphia"..I didn't even know what this movie was all about....and where the hell was I when it first came out?
I don't even know where to start...I don't even know what to really say other than I have this urge to vent...to talk about mixed emotions that overcame me....when AIDS first came out people were so scared...the "gay" disease....how ignorant people were then...how very ignorant people can STILL be. I still find people behaving this way and it's scary...
Nellie--
It's interesting that you just got to see Philadelphia. I never saw it when it came out and just rented the DVD a couple months ago. I remember that time well. A friend of mine was one of the early cases and he had Kaposi's Sarcoma pretty bad. The last four months of his life I was his "wheels." I can remember him applying makeup for nearly an hour trying to mask his lesions. People were so afraid and stand-off-ish to those who were obviously afflicted. They hid in a way reminiscent of Ennis hiding from his demons. Anything to fit in -- to not arouse a real or imaginary revulsion in others. A different kind of "closet" to be sure, but still, a closet. When I saw the scene in Philadelphia where Tom Hanks raises his shirt to show his lesions on the witness stand, it all came flooding back.
We've come a long way since the early 80's. In many parts of the US gays can be open about their orientation, their partners, have health coverage from their partners' employment, have hospital visitation rights, etc. But there's always a sense of looking over one's shoulder when not in certain geographic areas. I'd like to think Brokeback eased some of this more subtle discrimination.
Some day, God willing, this will all be a distant nightmare. Someday...
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Just because..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zw5wp5uL_Yg&feature=related
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Just because..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zw5wp5uL_Yg&feature=related
:'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
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and so I wonder , why is it that a movie has so much effect on us?....I hope they continue to make movies like these....reminders...we NEED reminders....
I remember a conversation with a friend that took place not long after seeing Brokeback and going to the first BBQ in Texas.
My friend said to me "I've never had a movie affect me the way Brokeback has affected you." and I told her that one day it would happen.
She replied that she didn't think that would ever happen to her.
I thought that was kinda sad.
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Maybe she's not ready to open up like we were.....people have to ALLOW it to happen.....bring down the "walls"...you know?
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I hear ya, Nellie. :-*
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I just peeked in "Paintedshoes" profile because I saw that someone else was too....
It just dawned on me....her last visit with us was January 4,2008 10:40 AM....I had spoken to her shotly after she signed off...she had been a member exactly 2 years and some extra days....in that very short time she changed her life...and moved the world with her kindness. She touched many hearts ...this is an understatement
I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out right now...don't know why....didn't expect it....something drew me into this Forum today....something pulled me in....and like most days,I never plan on coming in here and post....it just draws me in....so here I am
It just dawned on me too that today is Jackie's birthday
In early September,I received a postcard from Paula... she wanted me to call her and help her figure out when's a good time to plan the scattering of her mother-in-law's ashes in Brokenback,Wyoming....October would be a good time...snow is melted and we should head up there before the new snow comes in...I had no plans on going there with her because of financial reason's....I had planned on calling her and telling her that....my heart ached....my days got busy...the weeks passed....I never called her......I suck!!
The guilt I have right now of feeling that maybe she hates me...or thinks that I want nothing to do with her family now that Jackie is gone...but truth be told....I"m the type of person that holds it in and puts things in the back burner....I play mind games with myself and allow myself to get too "busy" so that I don't have to "think" about stuff.
Hasn't this movie taught me anything?....
Why can't I pick up the fucken phone and call her?....is it that Jackie is still too fresh in my memory and the pain is too much?...Jesus Christ, it's been 10 months!!....I hate this part of me...this procrastination
Paula, if you ever come in here and read this...I'm so sorry...I will call you..I will apologize....I love you guys
Today must be a very rough day for Jackie's family...especially for Paula and her son who were the closest ..they understood her better than the rest..especially after this Brokeback thing. This change in their mother...the happiness found in her eyes....the squeal in her voice as she told them stories about us and her "adventures"...it was about "her" this time...not someone else....she had always put someone first....never herself
Her last two years were her happiest...her family told me. They couldn't thank us enough for all we have done to bring their mother out of her shell....it was her destiny,I guess.....but little did they know,their mother touched us like no other....she changes "us" too.
Happy Birthday,sweet sister of mine!!
God I miss her so much...Brokeback got us good,she'd say......yeah,Jackie, and so did you
Nellie
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It's ok Nells greiving is not a process that follows strict timelines and we know it still hurts. I hope you do find the strength to pick up that phone, I'm sure Paula would love to hear from you. :-*
N.
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Nellie ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))!!!!!
Hard to find words....
Thinking of you, Jackie's family and closest friends today.
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((((((((((((((((((((((((((Nellie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I don't know what to say other than what's already been said so well by Neil and Mia. Know you are in my thoughts......
I miss Jackie terribly and I never had the good fortune to have met her, or to even have heard her voice.
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...or to even have heard her voice.
sue, you just gave me ther strangest experience. right when i read those words you wrote, i heard jackie talking...her deep, laughing voice....you know how it is when the spirit of a person touches you? that's what just happened to me. wow. thank you.
and :
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JACKIE - DEAR SISTER!
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Yes, I do know (((((((((((((((((((((((Martina))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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How Brokeback affected me???
The strings of the soul are infinite, as vast and limitless as the expanse of the universe, and I am painfully aware that only a fraction of them come to my conscious mind. A wise Buddhist teacher said: "Enlightenment, for a wave in the ocean, is the moment the wave realises it is water". I, although far from being an enlightened person, came to realize that everything is interdependent and that my actions as an "individual" affect the totality, which is in permanent movement, like the ocean. In turn, the totality affects me because I am of it, as it were.
When you realize that it is empowering to let yourself to flow, confident that existence is conspiring to free you from all your chains, instead of freezing, paralyzed by social, cultural or personal considerations, then you find everything you always wanted. The complete longings of your soul are amply satisfied. But I found out this only after I surrendered to life. Years ago a read somewhere that a leaf that falls on a river and lets the current to take it, realizes that the stength of the river become its own strength.
Brokeback reminds me of my early youth, my late teens and early twenties, when I was just like Ennis and Jack: fearful, trying to find the perfect love and, simultaneously, awkwardly imposing on life my views as to how things should be. Jack and Ennis are all of us in some ways. Who hasn't felt the dreadful feeling that if I move out of my confort zone, something dreadful might happen? The realization that Ennis and Jack could only be themselves a few times a year, away in Brokeback Mountain, that they could only express themselves freely once in a while, is simply painful. And it is so because they are not fictional characters; they are every single human that has ever lived and who has suffered from being trapped in a narrow minded society, and who has been unable to break free.
Also, it has made a lasting impression on me because I, since my college years, have been a camping fan. Whenever I saw Jack and Ennis on the mountain, in the tent, near the river, I could feel the breeze, the cool water, smell the campfire, feel the chill of the night inside the tent. Some of the most memorable moments in my life have been like these: coming out of the tent in the morning and watching the rising sun illuminate the snow capped mountains and feeling the brisk air on my cheeks... In all the mountain scenes I felt that I was them, and with them.
Love to all of you...
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(((((((((((((((( Adrift )))))))))))))
Thanks for your wonderful words. And thank you for coming here posting them, for sharing your thoughts and insights.
For giving me things to reflect upon.
A very warm welcome to the forum. Hope to meet you many more times in threads.
Love back to you.
Mia
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Hello Adrift.
welcome to the forum, and thanks for posting here.
Hope to see more of your posts soon!
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Thank you (((((((((((Adrift)))))))))))))))) for your insightful and thoughtful post.
Your words have struck a resonance in me, a knowing that I have come to also after many years of soul-searching. The interdependence of all things, and becoming a part of life..... The universe supports us if we let it, like your leaf on the river.
I believe we all found this place for a reason and we are all here together because of it. We all found it/each other, or it found each of us, when we needed it.
Welcome again and love back to you!
Sue
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Will we ever have a movie of this type of exquisite explosion of the senses again....I guess it's play back time........mournful dots
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Will we ever have a movie of this type of exquisite explosion of the senses again....I guess it's play back time........mournful dots
Nagsheaddsea: If they ever make another movie like this, I will run to the nearest hospital and have a lobotomy performed, lest I die of sadness!!!! Just remembering some scenes or lines from the movie brings tears to my eyes and a strange shivering in my chest, and I'm not kidding. My mother told me once that in her youth, when she read Romeo and Juliet, she felt the same thing. I suppose certain stories, especially those that talk to us about love that doesn't find a way to manifest itself fully, touch us in those parts of our being that make us most human and, thus, have a lasting effect. Love, manifested fully and freely, makes us blossom and experience life from an altogether different perspective, and we all feel an overwhelming despair when we see that empowering emotion impeded or truncated so crushingly.
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When you realize that it is empowering to let yourself to flow, confident that existence is conspiring to free you from all your chains, instead of freezing, paralyzed by social, cultural or personal considerations, then you find everything you always wanted. The complete longings of your soul are amply satisfied. But I found out this only after I surrendered to life. Years ago a read somewhere that a leaf that falls on a river and lets the current to take it, realizes that the stength of the river become its own strength.
Wonderful post, Adrift.
Welcome here.
Surrendering to life....surrendering to the here and now. Not always easy, but I think we must try.
Thanks for reminding us.
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Welcome to the forum (((Adrift)))) and thank you so much for your wonderful, wise and insightful post!
You said so many wise things in that post, that it will take some time for me to metabolize it all....
Brokeback reminds me of my early youth, my late teens and early twenties, when I was just like Ennis and Jack: fearful, trying to find the perfect love and, simultaneously, awkwardly imposing on life my views as to how things should be. Jack and Ennis are all of us in some ways. Who hasn't felt the dreadful feeling that if I move out of my confort zone, something dreadful might happen? The realization that Ennis and Jack could only be themselves a few times a year, away in Brokeback Mountain, that they could only express themselves freely once in a while, is simply painful. And it is so because they are not fictional characters; they are every single human that has ever lived and who has suffered from being trapped in a narrow minded society, and who has been unable to break free.
I also think that this film reverberates so much in us because we are all Ennis and/or Jack in some way. Closets, fear, hope, longing, love, freedom, supressed emotions, lost opportunities, pain, the sweet life that was never to be.....
And I think the most painful and invisible closet walls are not the ones imposed upon ut by society, even though they are bad enough, but the ones we impose on ourselves. Often unconciously...... How can you free yourself from something you don't even know is there?
When you realize that it is empowering to let yourself to flow, confident that existence is conspiring to free you from all your chains, instead of freezing, paralyzed by social, cultural or personal considerations, then you find everything you always wanted. The complete longings of your soul are amply satisfied. But I found out this only after I surrendered to life. Years ago a read somewhere that a leaf that falls on a river and lets the current to take it, realizes that the stength of the river become its own strength.
These words of yours are so beautiful and true..........and hard to realize in one's life..... it's hard and ongoing work to let go......at least in my experience.....
Anyway, welcome among brokies, and I really hope to see more of your posts!
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How Brokeback affected me???
The strings of the soul are infinite, as vast and limitless as the expanse of the universe, and I am painfully aware that only a fraction of them come to my conscious mind. A wise Buddhist teacher said: "Enlightenment, for a wave in the ocean, is the moment the wave realises it is water". I, although far from being an enlightened person, came to realize that everything is interdependent and that my actions as an "individual" affect the totality, which is in permanent movement, like the ocean. In turn, the totality affects me because I am of it, as it were.
When you realize that it is empowering to let yourself to flow, confident that existence is conspiring to free you from all your chains, instead of freezing, paralyzed by social, cultural or personal considerations, then you find everything you always wanted. The complete longings of your soul are amply satisfied. But I found out this only after I surrendered to life. Years ago a read somewhere that a leaf that falls on a river and lets the current to take it, realizes that the stength of the river become its own strength.
Brokeback reminds me of my early youth, my late teens and early twenties, when I was just like Ennis and Jack: fearful, trying to find the perfect love and, simultaneously, awkwardly imposing on life my views as to how things should be. Jack and Ennis are all of us in some ways. Who hasn't felt the dreadful feeling that if I move out of my confort zone, something dreadful might happen? The realization that Ennis and Jack could only be themselves a few times a year, away in Brokeback Mountain, that they could only express themselves freely once in a while, is simply painful. And it is so because they are not fictional characters; they are every single human that has ever lived and who has suffered from being trapped in a narrow minded society, and who has been unable to break free.
Also, it has made a lasting impression on me because I, since my college years, have been a camping fan. Whenever I saw Jack and Ennis on the mountain, in the tent, near the river, I could feel the breeze, the cool water, smell the campfire, feel the chill of the night inside the tent. Some of the most memorable moments in my life have been like these: coming out of the tent in the morning and watching the rising sun illuminate the snow capped mountains and feeling the brisk air on my cheeks... In all the mountain scenes I felt that I was them, and with them.
Love to all of you...
I love the way you write......thank you for writing such lovely words....thoughts that stopped me in my tracks and made me feel....sometimes you feel like you're trying to swim against the current, struggling...when all along one should just let go and swim with it.....I'm learning to do that....and let me tell you....stress now isn't the stress I had 3 years ago....life is too short...I'm thankful
Welcome to this Forum....your words are refreshing
Nellie
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I know that this here has nothing to do with how Brokeback affected me...but I had to put it in here anyway.
You know that scene when Ennis was sitting at the dinner table on Thanksgiving day....that guy using that electric or battery operated carving knife?.....OMG....we had one similar and it threw me back to that scene....I had a big smile on my face...how lame....lol
but here's a couple of funny one's to laugh at...hilarious but ironically..so true...bwahhaha ;D
Holiday Eating
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts
carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the
Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum
balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And
quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time
of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000
calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going
to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a
treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later
than you think. It's Christmas!
3. if something comes with gravy, use it.
That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand
alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. as for mashed potatoes, always ask if
they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's
skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car
with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a
party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point
of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's
food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you
exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in
January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time
for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and
that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good
at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the
shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and
don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the
center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to
see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin,
Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like
mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?
Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted,
it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but
avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel
terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table,
you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start
over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember
this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the
grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive
and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways,
chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn
out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Have a great holiday season!! : )
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omg ^^^ that's hilarious! it should go in the humor thread, or the holiday thread too... LMAO... yes, it's rum balls over carrot sticks during the holidays for sure!
okay. i came here prompted by the article in TDS (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=31785.msg1453805#msg1453805) celebrating the 3rd anniversary of BBM the movie. it mentioned this thread. that's how me end up here, lol... anyway, i was watching the BBM trailer on youtube recently and it was interesting to see the comments by what i think are mostly younger viewers. it was refreshing to know there is a lot of positivity regarding the movie. i like to see young people sticking up for gay rights. it makes me feel that things will be better for everybody in the future... of course there will always be some negative remarks, but that's to be expected. it can't all be whipped cream. :D
here are a few of the youtube member comments to the BBM trailer. i especially liked the ones highlighted with color:
| (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdavecullen.com%2Fbrokeback%2Fdaily%2Fformat%2Fplaceholder.gif&hash=476950888770fe942ed4961a5185c13c00f2173f) | (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdavecullen.com%2Fbrokeback%2Fdaily%2Fformat%2Fplaceholder.gif&hash=476950888770fe942ed4961a5185c13c00f2173f) | (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdavecullen.com%2Fbrokeback%2Fdaily%2Fformat%2Fplaceholder.gif&hash=476950888770fe942ed4961a5185c13c00f2173f) | (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdavecullen.com%2Fbrokeback%2Fdaily%2Fformat%2Fplaceholder.gif&hash=476950888770fe942ed4961a5185c13c00f2173f) | oseph107 (4 hours ago) Show Hide
I think Brokeback Mountain is a beautiful movie, its a touching movie to me even though I'm not gay!!! I find its a sad movie. I have friends that are homophobic and friends , and siblings that are gay, people take their religion too seriously to see the outside world oh humanity, my family that i can't fellow and religious my own way and i believe that people truly believe in god, then can gay people!!! their human beings!!! there's is nothing wrong with people living the way they want
enieBella (11 hours ago) Show Hide
I haven't seen this yet but I have to see it. I know my parents wouldn't approve but I don't care. They would let me watch Heath Ledger playing a knife-weilding psycho clown but not a guy who is in love?
ourtneyDaniellexo (12 hours ago) Show Hide
Seriously. There is no problem with gay people! Im not gay, but I know people who are, I have family members who are. There is nothing wrong with it! Gay people are still humans. Why cant that be enough? If two people love eachother, why cant they have the same rights that stright people have?! This is stupid. Grow up!! Im 15, and I know what is right and wrong, and what your saying is so wrong! There is NOTHING wrong with gay people. Its how they chose to live! Let them live their lives.
arrotjuse (1 day ago) Show Hide
He might have been bisexual.
arrotjuse (1 day ago) Show Hide
Oh, there you are, ellSpoken. I thought for a minute that you must have interrupted your vigil, but no. You were just waiting for the next message here so you could continue to spew your twisted, evil message of hate and violence. You are really sick!
arrotjuse (1 day ago) Show Hide
Didnt you see the movie, rachel? A persistent theme throughout the movie is Ennis's father showing what happens to people who are gay; torture, castration and a slow death! For men like that, queers were less than human and deserved whatever they got. That event influenced his life. It was emotionally impossible for Ennis to admit that he loved another man, for fear of his life. That idea, that queers are less than human, still persists. Ask Matthew Shepard, Gwen Araujo, or Larry King.
iewyec9 (1 day ago) Show Hide
I just saw this movie today... and it is one of the best movies i've ever seen! Brokeback mountain is a great story and the acting is also very good!and sorry, but i realy dont like people who are against gay people and i realy don't like people who think that god can fix this 'problem', which it isn't. This movie rocks!
x
ellSpokenNegro (1 day ago) Show Hide
iewyec9 sucks cocks!
ellSpokenNegro (1 day ago) Show Hide
This is fucking hilarious! Left wing sickos in Hollywood will do anything to get their gay agenda across. Here you see them take the image of a rough cowboy and turn it into a pussy cocksucker. May all the sodomites in the world die gruesome deaths...
alianted (6 days ago) Show Hide
this is sucha beautiful moving heartfelt movie.
he3rdStreetSaints (3 days ago) Show Hide
what in the fuck is this shit!?
dude!
gay cowboys eating pudding!
ustlerPumpkin (1 week ago) Show Hide
Hey I'd like to see you fight with a man like Ennis... He'd be beating your ass up, dude. Don't youe ven dare think that homosexuals have no strength at all.. I can assure you that A LOT of them are far better worked out than YOU are.
ruszkiwpopiole (1 week ago) Show Hide
This movie is so beautiful and so sad. Actors are the best and Heath ... incredible.The end is so, so sad :( | (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdavecullen.com%2Fbrokeback%2Fdaily%2Fformat%2Fplaceholder.gif&hash=476950888770fe942ed4961a5185c13c00f2173f) | (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdavecullen.com%2Fbrokeback%2Fdaily%2Fformat%2Fplaceholder.gif&hash=476950888770fe942ed4961a5185c13c00f2173f) | (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdavecullen.com%2Fbrokeback%2Fdaily%2Fformat%2Fplaceholder.gif&hash=476950888770fe942ed4961a5185c13c00f2173f) | (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdavecullen.com%2Fbrokeback%2Fdaily%2Fformat%2Fplaceholder.gif&hash=476950888770fe942ed4961a5185c13c00f2173f) |
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Hey y'all...
It's been absolute ages since I wrote anything of any value in any of the countless threads within this forum of ours. Seems it's about time I changed that, I guess...
Tonight I watched our movie, commemorating the third anniversary of my first viewing of it. I'm a bit tipsy now, having had some bourbon while the movie played, so please forgive any grammar (or other) errors.
I first saw this movie three years ago this coming Wednesday. I've written a time or two before regarding that first viewing, my memory may have gone a bit foggy, (tonights bourbon my fog it up a bit further), but the heart of this memory still remains strong.
Less than 14 months prior to my first viewing of Brokeback Mountain my mother died. I was nearing the end of the hardest part of my grieving over her death shortly before our movie came out. Jack's death renewed that pain, in fact, it seems the pain was even worse because of it.
I had been a deeply closeted gay all my life. Still was at the time of my first viewing of our movie. Suddenly, though, because of it, I had found reason to question where I had been and where I was at that time in mid December, 2005. I saw our movie with my ex-lover that first time. Had seen it several times more with him. Had even suggested that we retry our relationship because of it, but that never happened.
By January 24, 2006 I had seen our movie nearly 20 times at the theater. On the morning of Thursday (?) January 25 2006 I received a phone call from my step mothers sister telling me that my father, who had been sick with emphesema, had died. Suddenly I found myself in the deepest low that I have ever been in.
The next day I left a message in one of these threads, about my dad's passing, about the pain I was feeling and Nick (amongst several others) responded with a private message. That was when he and I first connected.
We've chatted literally every day since.
Within a couple months Nick wrote me asking if it was okay if he travel here to Puyallup, Washington from Colchester, England for a visit. I couldn't really say no. He was set to arrive on a Tuesday afternoon. I had a lot to do to prepare my apartment (and myself) before he arrived. On the Thursday before his arrival I spilled the beans to member "RobsGalPal", Sherry. She and I had been friends and coworkers for 25-some-odd years and I had never come "out" to her. On that Thursday before Nick's arrival I did. Turns out she had suspected it for a long time. She remains my dearest friend, and insists that Nick come to visit with her and her family every time he comes to the states. Sherry is and has been my strongest supporter for all these many, many years.
Nick and I visited with not only Sherry and her family on his first visit, but with a couple other members that time. He returned again within a couple months when we were able to visit with Linda and Jackie. (You old timers out there know exactly who I am talking about.)
Nick and I have been lucky enough to attend many reunions over these several years, meeting many (and I mean many!) members.
I am out of my closet because of Brokeback Mountain. I have the love of my life because of it. I have made many, many friends since Ennis and Jack entered my personal history, too.
Jack's death in the movie moved me to change. I saw myself as Ennis, I found it unbearable to live my remaining days in a "trailer" like him, so I forced myself out of the closet I had lived my life in. I am out, going further than that has proven difficult, though.
Heath and Jackie's sudden deaths have proven a bit of a stumbling block for me. Heath's Ennis brought me here in the first place, Jackie's love and acceptance of me, her "little brother", as she called me, made this forum a home for me. Her death has been a tremendous loss for me and many others.
I hang on to the threads of the past. This forum moved me, changed me. Without Brokeback Mountain none of this would have happened.
I have many family members here, though I rarely keep in touch with any of you, please know that I still hold each and every one of you near and dear in my heart!
With love and tears,
Rob
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and you are not forgotten cousin :-*
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.
I am out of my closet because of Brokeback Mountain. I have the love of my life because of it.
So do I, you old soak! :P
N
xxxx
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rob, wow. it's so great how brokeback made you realize there was a change needed in your life. how great too that nick was there to help you through all of that. it's amazing to think of all that has happened to bring you to where you are now. while you cannot change the past, you can shape who you are now, and you are doing that so well. don't give up. knowing there is a stumbling block is sometimes enough so you know you have to try harder, perhaps. your story illustrates profoundly the change that brokeback has brought to so many people worldwide. i can't help but think that there is a reason for everything. deep lows and sadness turning into the happiness you feel now -- by accepting who you are, opening your heart, trusting close friends like sherry, sharing your life with a man you love, making new friends worldwide -- it's so nice to hear how you've changed your life. and your story with nick is just amazing. you've both been through so much since the movie came out... and you helped him when he needed it most, i'm sure. that's so awesome, and you both truly deserve the love you've created in your lives. so happy for both of you guys!!
you know, when i found out my father died with that afternoon telephone call from my cousin, i was watching you walk around in the peace park. you were right there, standing in the sunshine under blue skies by the cherry trees outside. you were doing what nick loves to do so much too, taking photographs. it was amazing. having you there was happiness. and linda too! it helped ease the shock so much.... gosh, the whole gang that week was amazing, really, whether they knew it or not... i couldn't have asked for a better group of people to be by my side. thank you.
anyway.. yes. we work for the best and look forward to goodness in our lives. i'm so happy you're making your life work out. knowing you love and care and are somehow a part of my life, even if we don't see each other often, or write, truly makes me feel good inside. oh, and knowing i'm able to make you laugh is such a reward, i hope you know that. :)
XOXO and ginormous hugs from the west coast... :-* :-*
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((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Rob )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Don't think I ever told you how much it meant to me when I was new at the forum and could talk to you about the mourning of my father, when you talked to me about the passing of yours. It made a huge different to me.
I really want to thank you for your post. You make a diffence to - not just this thread - also to the forum itself.
It's so truly wonderful to know that you and Nick found each other here. And to hear you talk about the changes in your life thanks to our film.
Love!
Mia
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(((((((((((((Rob and Nick)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Beautiful post Rob... :-*
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Lovely words Jimmy, you are such a great guy and I know that Rob thinks the world of you, I do too. I remember that day in the park, I remember hearing your news, while my Ma was so ill in the hospital at home, I remember your outer calm, but also remember seeing what was behind your eyes. Glad us all just being there helped you, I always felt I should have reached out more, but I didn't really have the inner strength to do it at that time.
A very special week.
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Thank you for that beautiful and truly moving post Rob!! :-* :-*
I'm in awe about all the changes our film has brought about in all our lives, and yours is definitely a good example of that!
Change can be painful, but beyond that pain something better is awating, and your post proves that.
I really enjoyed meeting and talking to you in Oxford, hope to be able to do that again sometime.
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thank you nick.. yes, it was quite a hard spring for both of us, for sure. you didn't have to do anything more, what it was, was perfect... it was when was driving home, alone, when i finally did break down. i had a sort of dialogue with my dad and it felt good. the tears finally fell, and i sang a song. :)
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Rob and Nick
I don't want to sound all sentimental, but just wanted to say how lovely it was to hear about you two. I'd gathered you were a couple but didn't know how it had come about, and you had me a bit tearful too.
Sara
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I am out of my closet because of Brokeback Mountain. I have the love of my life because of it.
(((( Rob ))))
I've resurfaced in this forum because at last my story has come to a conclusion - On the evening on Nov 5th, 11 months after my painful coming out, separation and leaving my family home I forced myself to attend a local LGBT support group where I met someone who had been grieving the loss of his partner of 25 years for the same period of time.
Through different routes, we had so much in common.. We wanted a last shot at lifetime commitment.. Having known in the past what commitment means, nothing less will do. We talked late into that night about how the fear of spending the rest of our lives being afraid of moving on was becoming intolerable.
We started a relationship... Although only 5 weeks old, our connection is so deep it honestly feels like 5 years. Our respective families are surprised about the timing, but from February 2009 we're going to give up our rented flats in Manchester and move to the countryside to live on an idyllic 17th century farm, big enough for my children to join us during my custody times at weekends and especially school holidays. We've already joked about setting up a 'cow and calf' operation, and there are stables for two horses so all we need is a pup tent!
We both have tearful moments from time to time, pangs of guilt that overwhelm us unexpectedly when we dwell on notions of every human being deserving a second chance. The difference is in having someone to hold you till it passes and not need to say a word. The past must be embraced, never forgotten.
When we move in, we've decided to watch BBM last thing in the evening as a sort of tribute to what seems a largely forgotten role of cinema - The inspiration for change and daring to seek a better life, whatever that entails.
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What fantastic news!
thank you so much for coming here and sharing the story!
Much luck and love to you and your partner!
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When we move in, we've decided to watch BBM last thing in the evening as a sort of tribute to what seems a largely forgotten role of cinema - The inspiration for change and daring to seek a better life, whatever that entails.
What date will that be? I'll watch it too. :)
BTW, I read your sig line and am curious to know how you felt Lost in Translation related to your life.
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What date will that be? I'll watch it too. :)
BTW, I read your sig line and am curious to know how you felt Lost in Translation related to your life.
1st February 2009 - We'll be moving furniture in all day, set the fire burning, relax and press play about 8pm :)
Lost in Translation appealed to me as, like Bob's character, I was a middle aged man grappling with the absurdities of life and a sense of alienation (something we all feel tinges of when visiting a foreign culture). So world-weary but masking it with humour. Charlotte was the mirror Bob couldn't look away from, a generation younger and unsure of her own identity. Maybe by guiding her he could save himself.
The scene in the film that made me break down was when Charlotte visits a Buddhist temple and observes the ancient prayer rituals from the door. Later, on the phone with a friend, she recalls the visit matter-of factly at first but can't hold back the tears as she confides that she 'didn't feel anything' as she watched. Heart-wrenching to see that... I realised that I no longer appreciated beauty in the simplest things whe way I used to - I'd shut my feelings down so deeply I didn't even realise.
And the parting scene at the end.. Just amazing. A watershed, and they both knew what they had to do with their respective lives back home.
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I am out of my closet because of Brokeback Mountain. I have the love of my life because of it.
(((( Rob ))))
I've resurfaced in this forum because at last my story has come to a conclusion - On the evening on Nov 5th, 11 months after my painful coming out, separation and leaving my family home I forced myself to attend a local LGBT support group where I met someone who had been grieving the loss of his partner of 25 years for the same period of time.
Through different routes, we had so much in common.. We wanted a last shot at lifetime commitment.. Having known in the past what commitment means, nothing less will do. We talked late into that night about how the fear of spending the rest of our lives being afraid of moving on was becoming intolerable.
We started a relationship... Although only 5 weeks old, our connection is so deep it honestly feels like 5 years. Our respective families are surprised about the timing, but from February 2009 we're going to give up our rented flats in Manchester and move to the countryside to live on an idyllic 17th century farm, big enough for my children to join us during my custody times at weekends and especially school holidays. We've already joked about setting up a 'cow and calf' operation, and there are stables for two horses so all we need is a pup tent!
We both have tearful moments from time to time, pangs of guilt that overwhelm us unexpectedly when we dwell on notions of every human being deserving a second chance. The difference is in having someone to hold you till it passes and not need to say a word. The past must be embraced, never forgotten.
When we move in, we've decided to watch BBM last thing in the evening as a sort of tribute to what seems a largely forgotten role of cinema - The inspiration for change and daring to seek a better life, whatever that entails.
Wow, best wishes to you both. It is fortunate that you were reasonably close geographically. The 5000 mile difference between Rob and I is nothing less than torture now.
I love this part of what you said "The difference is in having someone to hold you till it passes and not need to say a word." - so true. Rob has needed to do that for me many times this year.
N
xx
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AWT!!!!
What a moving, sad and happy story!!
Thank you so much for sharing it, it gives a lot of hope!
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Hey y'all...
It's been absolute ages since I wrote anything of any value in any of the countless threads within this forum of ours. Seems it's about time I changed that, I guess...
Tonight I watched our movie, commemorating the third anniversary of my first viewing of it. I'm a bit tipsy now, having had some bourbon while the movie played, so please forgive any grammar (or other) errors.
I first saw this movie three years ago this coming Wednesday. I've written a time or two before regarding that first viewing, my memory may have gone a bit foggy, (tonights bourbon my fog it up a bit further), but the heart of this memory still remains strong.
Less than 14 months prior to my first viewing of Brokeback Mountain my mother died. I was nearing the end of the hardest part of my grieving over her death shortly before our movie came out. Jack's death renewed that pain, in fact, it seems the pain was even worse because of it.
I had been a deeply closeted gay all my life. Still was at the time of my first viewing of our movie. Suddenly, though, because of it, I had found reason to question where I had been and where I was at that time in mid December, 2005. I saw our movie with my ex-lover that first time. Had seen it several times more with him. Had even suggested that we retry our relationship because of it, but that never happened.
By January 24, 2006 I had seen our movie nearly 20 times at the theater. On the morning of Thursday (?) January 25 2006 I received a phone call from my step mothers sister telling me that my father, who had been sick with emphesema, had died. Suddenly I found myself in the deepest low that I have ever been in.
The next day I left a message in one of these threads, about my dad's passing, about the pain I was feeling and Nick (amongst several others) responded with a private message. That was when he and I first connected.
We've chatted literally every day since.
Within a couple months Nick wrote me asking if it was okay if he travel here to Puyallup, Washington from Colchester, England for a visit. I couldn't really say no. He was set to arrive on a Tuesday afternoon. I had a lot to do to prepare my apartment (and myself) before he arrived. On the Thursday before his arrival I spilled the beans to member "RobsGalPal", Sherry. She and I had been friends and coworkers for 25-some-odd years and I had never come "out" to her. On that Thursday before Nick's arrival I did. Turns out she had suspected it for a long time. She remains my dearest friend, and insists that Nick come to visit with her and her family every time he comes to the states. Sherry is and has been my strongest supporter for all these many, many years.
Nick and I visited with not only Sherry and her family on his first visit, but with a couple other members that time. He returned again within a couple months when we were able to visit with Linda and Jackie. (You old timers out there know exactly who I am talking about.)
Nick and I have been lucky enough to attend many reunions over these several years, meeting many (and I mean many!) members.
I am out of my closet because of Brokeback Mountain. I have the love of my life because of it. I have made many, many friends since Ennis and Jack entered my personal history, too.
Jack's death in the movie moved me to change. I saw myself as Ennis, I found it unbearable to live my remaining days in a "trailer" like him, so I forced myself out of the closet I had lived my life in. I am out, going further than that has proven difficult, though.
Heath and Jackie's sudden deaths have proven a bit of a stumbling block for me. Heath's Ennis brought me here in the first place, Jackie's love and acceptance of me, her "little brother", as she called me, made this forum a home for me. Her death has been a tremendous loss for me and many others.
I hang on to the threads of the past. This forum moved me, changed me. Without Brokeback Mountain none of this would have happened.
I have many family members here, though I rarely keep in touch with any of you, please know that I still hold each and every one of you near and dear in my heart!
With love and tears,
Rob
Robbie,
you brought it all back for me .....thank you so so much for telling your story... I always think of you two...((hugs))
Nellie
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Thanks for the kind responses, all.
:-* :-* :-*
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Thank you all for your courage in sharing your stories and the love you have for one another. I was writing some Christmas cards and realising there are some new names on my list this year - and also realising how many more wonderful people I met - and then there are those I hope to meet one day :-*
(((((((((((((((Rob and Nick, Jimmy))))))))))))))
and AWT, thanks for sharing this story, wonderful and inspirational, where is this idyllic farmhouse? Part of me hopes it's up in Derbyshire, where some of my ancestors come from.
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where is this idyllic farmhouse? Part of me hopes it's up in Derbyshire, where some of my ancestors come from.
Yes, it's in Derbyshire High Peak, near the Kinder Reservoir. Our local 'mountain' will be Kinder Scout.
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((((((((((Rob))))))))))
As always your story always touches my heart. I love you both so much and always wish for the miles between you to be gone. Soon! :-*
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^^^^^^^^^What she said, ((((((((((Rob)))))))))))
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^^^^^^^^^What she said, ((((((((((Rob)))))))))))
From me too.......... (((((((((((((((((Rob and Nick)))))))))))))))))))))
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AWT, thanks so much for telling your wonderful and touching story. Yes, sad for you both at the beginning of your story but the best conclusion there could be. I so wish you so much luck and love. You both deserve it. I will celebrate my birthday a little early and watch the movie that day too, and think of you both at your "cow and calf" operation. Also hopefully celebrating the beginning of the life together of another couple at this same time.
Your words I take to heart as I am continuing my life 4 years after the death of my husband of 32 years. Without the influence of this movie and the community and family I have here in this forum, my life would have taken an oh so different turn than it has now. I just can't imagine how it would have been. That Ennis existence. But it did not turn out that way for me.
My move at 54 yrs old half way across the country, from a place I had lived all my life, was not understood by my birth family, but so well understood by my Brokie family. The support and love and friendship have been there for me always.
Like Kim, my addresses increase every year and I am so thankful for this. (Kim being one of them!) There are so many places all over the world I can say I have friends. This is so very different from just 4 years ago. My world increases every day.
I just received a surprise gift of pears and nuts and candy for Christmas from a wonderful Brokie friend. Just a small thing, but a wonderful thing. I am thankful for all of my wonderful family here. Brokeback has been the catalyst. The forum has been support.
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fruits and nuts from the fruits and nuts... how apropos, lol ;) :D
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where is this idyllic farmhouse? Part of me hopes it's up in Derbyshire, where some of my ancestors come from.
Yes, it's in Derbyshire High Peak, near the Kinder Reservoir. Our local 'mountain' will be Kinder Scout.
That sounds wonderful indeed! My mother used to tell me she took part in the mass trespass on Kinder Scout in - I think - 1934. My father's family come from the Whaley Bridge area. And one of my memories of my father is a very cold New Year's Eve walk, starting from Glossop and a route which involved the Snake Pass and Doctor's Gate (Gait?).
To stay on topic, one way the film affected me was to help me link up various disconnected bits of my brain, so that all these memories are much more integrated. This process took a couple of years and was greatly helped by the amazing tolerance and kindness of forum members. (( :-*)) all.
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fruits and nuts from the fruits and nuts... how apropos, lol ;) :D
LOL!
Good to see your humour is intact, my friend. Sending you positive vibes.
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where is this idyllic farmhouse? Part of me hopes it's up in Derbyshire, where some of my ancestors come from.
Yes, it's in Derbyshire High Peak, near the Kinder Reservoir. Our local 'mountain' will be Kinder Scout.
That sounds wonderful indeed! My mother used to tell me she took part in the mass trespass on Kinder Scout in - I think - 1934.
Just watched a program last weekend here in Australia on 'Mountains' which showed Kinder Scout and talked about the trespass, seemed to be a beautiful area.
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where is this idyllic farmhouse? Part of me hopes it's up in Derbyshire, where some of my ancestors come from.
Yes, it's in Derbyshire High Peak, near the Kinder Reservoir. Our local 'mountain' will be Kinder Scout.
That sounds wonderful indeed! My mother used to tell me she took part in the mass trespass on Kinder Scout in - I think - 1934.
Just watched a program last weekend here in Australia on 'Mountains' which showed Kinder Scout and talked about the trespass, seemed to be a beautiful area.
especially given its proximity to the world's first industrial city - Manchester. My mum was only 16 in 1934, I think she was taken by her dad, we have a couple of great pics of him standing on mountains in the Lake District. Kinder Scout stands for freedom and the right to roam. A great place to start a new and better life. (((((((((AWT and partner))))))))
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((Montezumae))
Kinder Scout stands for freedom and the right to roam.
That brought a lump to my throat - Freedom at last. I've always had physical freedom, but it's mental freedom I'm feeling for probably the first time in my life - can be disorienting at times, with all those dusty corners of my soul to fill. A combined age of 98 but we're like giggly teenagers... Due to the recession I might lose my job next summer, but bring it on - I'll be paid 12 years' redundancy if the worst happens and have wanted a new, slower paced job for some time anyway.
We'll be seeing the result of your mum's participation on a daily basis, as there's a right of way thorough the farmyard. We both have a deep love of the open spaces and look forward to meeting others on the same wavelength from time to time - Maybe make new friends :)
Here's a link to some info on the mass trespass for our international members!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mass_trespass_of_Kinder_Scout (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mass_trespass_of_Kinder_Scout)
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fruits and nuts from the fruits and nuts... how apropos, lol ;) :D
Hilarious!! :D
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Your words I take to heart as I am continuing my life 4 years after the death of my husband of 32 years.
My partner's recent bereavement opened a way for me to resolve a sort of lingering dread I've had on my mind for some time. I'm 42 now and have never experienced a death within my immediate family-both my parents are still alive and I couldn't contemplate my reaction to the inevitable. I opened up about it for the first time to him.
Yesterday he asked me to do the memorial photography of a tree he's had planted over his late partner's ashes - On one level I think he wanted me see me picking up my camera again, trusting me with such a personal task.(Photography is a passion of mine I let slip through my bad times)
Deeper than that though, he was letting me into his own loss to reassure me that that support would be reciprocated whenever I come to need it.
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I wish you all the best...AWT....your story has touched me...I know your lives together will be a much better and richer one....sharing one's grief..one's inner self is a sign that you want to start over,put the pasts behind...move forward but still keep that past as a learning tool...as a time to reflect...so true for many of us.
I'm so glad to see you back in this Forum...may this Christmas and New Year be filled with much love and joy,filled with nothing but good health and love....
I wish this for all of you !!
Nellie
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You helped me through my darkest times, Nellie - Have a great Christmas :)
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Kinder Scout stands for freedom and the right to roam.
That brought a lump to my throat - Freedom at last. I've always had physical freedom, but it's mental freedom I'm feeling for probably the first time in my life - can be disorienting at times, with all those dusty corners of my soul to fill. A combined age of 98 but we're like giggly teenagers...
Oh i think this is wonderful, the feeling that you have opened that door! You will look back and will hardly recognise your old self, I hope. The freedom within will grow to match the freedom without :D
And for your partner - to have found someone else to love and who will respect his former partner's memory - no wonder you sound as if you can't quite believe this is really happening.
We'll be seeing the result of your mum's participation on a daily basis, as there's a right of way through the farmyard. We both have a deep love of the open spaces and look forward to meeting others on the same wavelength from time to time - Maybe make new friends :)
We have a right of way running on our land - quite a few 'regulars', not to mention the lost souls looking for directions - yes you will make new friends if you want to :D. Maybe even Forum members ::)
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You helped me through my darkest times, Nellie - Have a great Christmas :)
:-* :-* :-* :-*
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(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi215.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fcc19%2FJanssonmamma%2Fsmileys%2FNewYearStarsignature89.gif&hash=383ecec877e10b71b661fb7f65adebfcbeda0687)
All the best for you all!
Wish you a wonderful 2009
Love!
Mia
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I have never made any sort of "profound" statement in this thread, I don't think I am that profound to start with, though have posted a few times but I did post this in the anniversary thread but maybe it is truly how this movie affected me...
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=31908.msg1471449#msg1471449
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This New Year has to be better for all of us....it just HAS to be....
Thinking of all of you and keeping you in my prayers!! We are blessed.... :-*
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((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Nellie ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I so wish all well for you this year! :-* :-* :-*
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I have never made any sort of "profound" statement in this thread, I don't think I am that profound to start with, though have posted a few times but I did post this in the anniversary thread but maybe it is truly how this movie affected me...
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=31908.msg1471449#msg1471449
Thank you for this link, without it I might have missed your wonderful post!
I just read it and am still teary eyed.... I wish you all the best!
Thank you for being you!
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Ted )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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How many times do we get in one of those moods that's so hard to get out of?
How many times do we have to keep being reminded just how great life really is?...other people have it worse...
Children remind me the most.....we have our ups and downs...the Holidays always bring people down, associated with bad weather...flu's ...colds...financial problems....what have you...
here's a little something to remind us and to get us thru our days....just FYI...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO . Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR . When you say, 'I love you ,' mean it.
FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.
SIX . Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE . Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN. . In disagreements, fight fairly. No name cal ling.
ELEVEN . Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'
FOURTEEN . Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.
SI XTEEN . When you lose, don't lose the lesson !
SEVENTEEN . Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship..
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY-ONE . Spend some time alone.
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I have never made any sort of "profound" statement in this thread, I don't think I am that profound to start with, though have posted a few times but I did post this in the anniversary thread but maybe it is truly how this movie affected me...
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=31908.msg1471449#msg1471449
Thank you for this link, without it I might have missed your wonderful post!
I just read it and am still teary eyed.... I wish you all the best!
Thank you for being you!
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Ted )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Oh thank you so much Mia...and best to you all this new year!
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How many times do we get in one of those moods that's so hard to get out of?
How many times do we have to keep being reminded just how great life really is?...other people have it worse...
Children remind me the most.....we have our ups and downs...the Holidays always bring people down, associated with bad weather...flu's ...colds...financial problems....what have you...
here's a little something to remind us and to get us thru our days....just FYI...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thank you Nellie :-* for this beautiful and DOable list of New Years's resolutions.
Happy New Year Everyone!
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The Gift of Brokeback Mountain...
<snip>
The virtual gifts came about when after watching the movie on DVD, the rumbling was freed and I felt completely lost, completely out of control of my emotions and state of mind. It was truly the first time in my life that I had ever felt so out of control of myself. I had always considered myself in control, only let what I wanted to happen to me happen, but not this time...there was literally no reins on this one and at first is was scary. But then I found all these virtual gifts that the movie lead me to in places like here at DCF, other sites like ennisjack, Bettermost, the early yahoo message boards and the boards at the IMBD, Brokeback Mountain radio station, the communities on Live Journal, other e-mail groups, etc. In all these virtual places I found the most beautiful of gifts – other people just like me. I found other people just as lost and out of control of their emotions, I found understanding, I found caring people, loving people, I found a group of people also searching...I found what today we term “Brokies” – people and communities that have felt a profound impact from this life altering movie, and I can not say how thankful I was for these virtual gifts that the movie gave me. They were my lifeline, my anchor, my harbour as I tried to ride the waves that this movie had created in what I thought was my once calm and ordered life.
<snip>
So Brokeback Mountain has given me all these gifts that have changed my life, changed pretty much everything about my core being. I am still the person I was in many ways, enjoy much of what I did and still do but my core is changed, my focus in life has changed, my hopes and dreams have changed.
There is something invigorating about the journey now, something that says to me that the last three years have all been in preparation for where I am today, that all of you “Brokies” have been part of changing me to who I am today, that you are all in a way, whether directly or not, are part of a new found happiness in my life...and whether for the time at this forum or others, or for the time where we have gathered together for a few days somewhere...for the last three years all I can say in the most humblest of ways is...thank you, thank you...
Ted
Ted,
Thank you SO much for your wonderful post...some days I come in here and read bits and pieces...I never have enough time to "hang" out in here anymore...and even with this response to you now,I feel I'm doing you injustice to write so little about just how much I really appreciate posts like yours and all the one's before yours and after. It's not too often that people come in here ,especially after 3 years and write down their heartfelt feelings.
I'm so happy you felt the way you did and still do,in fact. Our lives have truly evolved,haven't they. I have many feelings like yours....especially with all the people I have met in here...the one's I have physically met and grown to love. I'm not as fortunate as you others who continue to get together...maybe one day I will take a trip and visit ya'll...even though the feelings of being "affected" from this movie has worn out some ...and people do get more distant...but it doesn't mean we don't think of each other and hold you all close to our hearts.
I've never met you...but have seen many pictures.....I've noticed you smile with your eyes....and I love that....you're a true hearted guy....someone who seems to deserve nothing but the best...we all do,I suppose.
I'm glad you're part of this "Brokie" family....I'm glad to see that some of you still come in here and share your thoughts.....it doesn't matter that it's been said before.....we're never tired of hearing what pours out of one's heart...and for that I thank you and all the rest for trusting us with your soul's....sharing with us your dreams....because if you never dream and hope, you will lose what is most important to you...and that is YOU...please continue to write in here
((hugs))
Nellie
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Since today is the Feast of the Epiphany, I thought I'd reprint this from 2006.
Epiphany on Brokeback Mountain
Dr. David Jenkins teaches at the Candler School of Theology, Emory University, in Atlanta.
I wonder as I wander at the foot of Brokeback Mountain if the church has the capacity and courage to declare a Jubilee... a time and space in which it would listen to the sacred love stories of Jack and Ennis ... setting aside worn-out labels such as “homosexual” for words we understand: son, daughter, friend, neighbor, sister, brother, partner.
Quick on the heels of Christmas, Epiphany takes its seat between the Slaughter of the Innocents and Ash Wednesday. It’s a skinny season of immensely hopeful proportion. During these brief winter days of Epiphany we celebrate the surprise - no, the shock, like the first lightening bolt from an unexpected storm - of the manifestation of God’s good news to the gentiles.
It is doubtful that Annie Proulx, author of the 1997 short story, Brokeback Mountain, ever imagined her story could be an apt sermon illustration for an Epiphany homily, let alone provide the narrative for the triumphant movie, but I’d like to make a case for it. For those who have yet to read the story or see the film, here is a brief summary.
In 1963, Ennis del Mar and Jack Twist, teenage cowboys in Wyoming, get jobs herding sheep for the summer. Ennis is desperate for a job and Jack is scratching his itch to “be somewhere, anywhere else than Lightening Flat,” his remote hometown. Sheep herders have always been despised by cattle ranchers, a history not lost on the author who casts these discarded “pair of deuces going nowhere” as shepherds. We worry from the opening scene that nothing good will come of them.
The two boys on horseback and their sheep dogs drive the thousand ewes high into the Rockies where the dense beauty, isolation, and raw power of Nature propel the action. As Ennis and Jack guard the sheep, they are hailed on, snowed on, rained on, and struck by the kind of lightening that charges companionship with love and sex. There they discovered Brokeback Mountain, a harsh place of belonging, “a place both empowering and inimical,” claims the author, a landscape of surprise.
Over the next twenty years, Ennis and Jack married strong women, raised children, worked rodeos and ranches, sold farm machinery, and after two decades of occasional “fishing trips” near Brokeback to rekindle their fire, the story comes to a tragic halt. The scene shifts from the verdant mountains to the desolate flatlands. The years of emotional and physical isolation, the internalized homophobia, the denial of self, and the denial of love, converge like rivers flooding the grief-stricken plains. All that we see and feel is desolation.
In her no-nonsense style, Annie Proulx said of Brokeback Mountain, “It is a story of destructive rural homophobia.” Throughout the film we are witnesses to the panoramic views of homophobia ruining lives - physically, emotionally, economically, and socially. This drives the drama and pathos of Brokeback Mountain. Ennis and Jack store it in their bodies like ammunition ready for battle or self-destruction. Their internalized self-hatred stifles hope, feeds their fears, blurs the lines between intimacy and violence, isolates them from each other, from the world, and from themselves. In a poignant conversation on Brokeback, Ennis says to Jack, “Bottom line, we’re around each other and this thing grabs on to us again in the wrong place, wrong time, and we’ll be dead.” In the midst of an unsafe time and culture, Brokeback Mountain was their only place of refuge, a mountainous theme looming over every scene.
A reasonable hope of belonging to a safe place and to safe people is often an anxious prayer for many people. Who doesn’t desire to be safe in our own home, at work, at school, in our church, in our own skin? Yet this is not the real or perceived reality for most lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered people in our communities and congregations, even when “Will and Grace” airs on prime-time. Two-thirds of out LGBT youth in the U.S. were threatened or injured with a weapon at school last year. Matthew Shepherd’s crucifixion on a Wyoming stock fence, less than a year after the publication of Brokeback Mountain, still serves as a compelling symbol of the coercive, violent force of homophobia, and not only in the rural West. Wyoming is merely a metaphor.
In a New York Times article on Brokeback Mountain and gay Wyoming cowboys, journalist Guy Trebay wrote, “What is most emotionally corrosive about Brokeback Mountain, some say, is the film’s placid portrayal of the violence that has always been part of gay experience.” One gay cowboy interviewed for the story said, “’The Shepherd thing goes through my mind all the time. People think that could never happen again. It could happen. It will happen.’” (New York Times, 12/18/05).
I believe that the official rulings and language of our churches about something we call “homosexuality” only serves to strengthen homophobia’s hateful grip on our world. The recent United Methodist and Vatican rulings do not simply function as ecclesial decisions guarding ordination and church membership. Like judgments from the Inquisition, they are as lethal as a tire iron in the hands of violent men, for these rulings continue to isolate human beings from communities which are called upon to be life-giving. Couple this isolation with language that dehumanizes men and women as “innately disordered” or worse, and the self-hate and desperation often lead to death. Gay and lesbian teenagers in the U.S. attempt suicide at more than five times the national average. Annie Proulx noted the “fact that Wyoming has the highest suicide rate in the [U.S.], and that the preponderance of those people who kill themselves are elderly single men.” Ennis and Jack managed to stay alive for each other as long as they could, the way soldiers do in war, not fighting for great causes or honor, but for those particular soldiers with whom they had become inextricably bound.
Brokeback Mountain, in addition to magnifying the destructive power of homophobia, also shatters a compelling myth in our divisive discourse about sexuality, the myth that we freely choose our “sexual orientation.” When Jack and Ennis were raised to despise “queers” and when they knew first-hand the life-threatening risks of getting caught, they would have been insane to make such a choice - in 1963 or in 2006. They chose this love like they chose to be wet when it rained or cold when it snowed. “Without a single polemical speech, [Brokeback Mountain] dramatizes homosexuality as an inherent and immutable identity, rather than some aberrant and elective ‘agenda’ concocted by conspiratorial ‘elites.’” (Frank Rich, N.Y.Times, 12/18/05). Hopefully the church can let this myth die.
Before the movie was made, Annie Proulx said to the newly-hired director, Ang Lee, “I was very afraid about this story, that making stories sometimes took me into off-limits places.” “Off-limits places” is what we celebrate in Epiphany. Off-limits is how the Pharisees and Temple wardens would have regarded the gentiles. The sacred places, sacred people, and sacred scriptures, the hope for the messiah and the light of the world were surely off-limits to those gentiles. But then Epiphany.
I wonder as I wander at the foot of Brokeback Mountain if the church has the capacity and courage to declare a Jubilee? – or an Epiphany? - a time and space in which it would listen to the sacred love stories of Jack and Ennis or any of its members, setting aside worn-out labels such as “homosexual” for words we understand: son, daughter, friend, neighbor, sister, brother, partner. Could we listen well to the flesh-and-blood stories of fear and desolation, joy, discovery, liberation, belonging, and love? Like the Truth and Reconciliation hearings in South Africa, could we bear to hear our own stories of crucifixion? Could we go to those places which have been off-limits to pulpits and pot-luck-suppers?
Listening to sacred stories is what we Christians are called to do. Perhaps if we listen well, we will be transformed both by the stories and by the Epiphany hope that with unexpected people God continues to surprise us - shock us - and continues to call us to off-limits places, continues to do A NEW THING in the world.
So how do I know when this new thing is of God? When the story is true. When the news is good. When the light shines in the darkness and the darkness cannot overcome it. At the moment we call Epiphany, while Herod’s death-dealing decree echoed through the land, the magis - excluded from the promise - arrived at the stable in the hills near Bethlehem and took their place beside the shepherds.
http://www.covenantnetwork.org/sermon&papers/jenkins.htm (http://www.covenantnetwork.org/sermon&papers/jenkins.htm)
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Nellie,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I have never met you either but from your words today and also in the past I can see you have a soulful heart, a caring heart...and it is so obvious that you feel deeply and to me that is a wonderful gift for I think many go through life not being able to truly feel, truly see the beauty in the simplest of things but I seem to know you can.
I have seen your honest and non-judgmental support of so many people here and it has always been so beautiful to see...you truly are a special gift to this community.
Thanks again for your kind words and yes, hopefully one day we will meet.
Ted
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It's funny you posted that John...I just sent that to someone last night. I especially love the part about the sacred stories of the Jack & Ennis's of the world and are we ready as a world to hear those stories...and treat them as they should be. This is a very powerful sermon. There is another sermon based on BBM written during the Lenten season...we'll have to post it then.
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Since today is the Feast of the Epiphany, I thought I'd reprint this from 2006.
Epiphany on Brokeback Mountain
Dr. David Jenkins teaches at the Candler School of Theology, Emory University, in Atlanta.
http://www.covenantnetwork.org/sermon&papers/jenkins.htm (http://www.covenantnetwork.org/sermon&papers/jenkins.htm)
Hi John - seeing you after ages!
Thank you for posting this. I've not seen it before. Please post it on the Foundation as well.
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it doesn't matter that it's been said before.....we're never tired of hearing what pours out of one's heart...and for that I thank you and all the rest for trusting us with your soul's....sharing with us your dreams....because if you never dream and hope, you will lose what is most important to you...and that is YOU...please continue to write in here
That was so perfectly expressed Nellie - your entire post should go in the anniversary thread.
:-*
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Ted, I don't have the words for your post. Thank you for taking the time to share it with us. I love the fact that people can still appreciate the way they've been affected by Brokeback.
The post of support here can lead others to share their experiences, and even if they don't, they've learned from what everyone here has taken time to post, and for that, I'm grateful.
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I especially love the part about the sacred stories of the Jack & Ennis's of the world and are we ready as a world to hear those stories...and treat them as they should be. This is a very powerful sermon. There is another sermon based on BBM written during the Lenten season...we'll have to post it then.
Please link me to it straightaway Ted :)
Truly the whole experience of BBM has been sacred for many of us. There is something called "readiness" to receive the divine and maybe just listening to our stories can help people to free their own channels to receive these gifts. Your post about the gifts of Brokeback Mountain was all the more inspiring and meaningful in the context of Christmas and the Epiphany. Thank you for sharing your story. :-*
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I have never made any sort of "profound" statement in this thread, I don't think I am that profound to start with, though have posted a few times but I did post this in the anniversary thread but maybe it is truly how this movie affected me...
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=31908.msg1471449#msg1471449
Thank you for reposting it here. I had missed it before.
Thank you for finding the words. :-*
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I found a really nice article this morning
Coming Down the Mountain
"Brokeback Mountain" by Annie Proulx. I smooth the page, push it hard against the spine and with a sigh lean back into the seat and begin to read. I finish the story well before Central Station and for the rest of the journey I look out the window, seeing nothing. I forget to think of something clever to say in class. I forget to analyse. I forget everything. When the train terminates at Central Station, I get to my feet like an elderly person, waiting for the traffic to thin, reluctant to make the transition. To leave the carriage, the warm womb of it, the heartbeat wheels.
Short stories do that sometimes. Take you into another world with such devastating clarity, with such astute, finely aimed prose that it is hard to clamber back out again. Like one of those short, sharp love affairs that leaves you ragged and breathless, yet at the same time pierced right through. All colour and brilliance. There is something in the brevity of a short story that lends itself to that kind of intensity, a deeper, brisker dive rather than the gradual immersion of a novel. And when you come up for air, there is a wildness. The taste of salt on your tongue.
Enthusiasm for "Brokeback Mountain" is not confined to the web. Aside from the movie, the collectors edition DVD and the soundtracks, there are the books. Reading Brokeback Mountain is an anthology of essays on the book and film. I wish I knew bow to quit you is a book of Brokeback Mountain trivia. Beyond Brokeback: The Impact of a Film is a book of personal stories by Members of the Ultimate Brokeback Forum. On Brokeback Mountain: Meditations about Masculinity, Fear, and Love in the Story and the Film discusses the film and book in the context of gay history and literature. Even Proulx has co-written a book with the screen writers called Brokeback Mountain: Story to Screenplay.
But perhaps it is in the smaller, more personal and intimate ways that "Brokeback Mountain" has had the most effect. As I surf the web a final time, I am struck by the universal impact this story has had. Somewhere in Argentina a young man is laboriously translating the latest instalment of his story about Jake and Ennis into English. An old man in a small rural town in Canada is crying as he writes about a relationship that ended fifty years ago. In Taiwan a teenager is sitting in his bedroom recording a tribute song to Brokeback Mountain for broadcast on YouTube. In Australia a woman is watching the film for the twenty-fourth time.
A short story can travel a long way, can clock up thousands of miles, can cross continents and borders and languages. It can take you to places you have never been and transport you back through your own experiences in a sentence. As Proulx says it is "something small and yet large at the same time." "Brokeback Mountain" is a short story, which began with a writer's observations of an old man sitting in a bar, watching some men play pool. It is only thirty-five pages long. There is a full stop at the end of it, but another story, the one that goes from the Academy Awards to a songwriter's bedroom, is still finishing. Still writing itself. Still coming down the mountain.
Kent, Sharon. (2008, June 22). Coming down the mountain The Free Library. (2008).
The full article can be found here:
http://www.thefreelibrary.com/Coming down the mountain.-a0190002927 (http://www.thefreelibrary.com/Coming down the mountain.-a0190002927)
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I found a really nice article this morning
Coming Down the Mountain
"Brokeback Mountain" by Annie Proulx. I smooth the page, push it hard against the spine and with a sigh lean back into the seat and begin to read. I finish the story well before Central Station and for the rest of the journey I look out the window, seeing nothing. I forget to think of something clever to say in class. I forget to analyse. I forget everything. When the train terminates at Central Station, I get to my feet like an elderly person, waiting for the traffic to thin, reluctant to make the transition. To leave the carriage, the warm womb of it, the heartbeat wheels.
Thanks for this, slightly off topic but "terminates at Central Station" struck me so I went to the full story and true enough, the writer is making the journey I do several times each week down from the Blue Mountains to Sydney and terminating at Central Station. Glad I did not first read Annie's story on this journey or they might have had to carry me out at the end - a blubbering wreck :)
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the collectors edition DVD
???
What's that? Are there other editions than the usual, with the film and some interviews with Jack and Heath and a few other persons?
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Glad I did not first read Annie's story on this journey or they might have had to carry me out at the end - a blubbering wreck :)
An interesting sight...... ;) At least it could have endowed you with a day off work! :D
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The post of support here can lead others to share their experiences, and even if they don't, they've learned from what everyone here has taken time to post, and for that, I'm grateful.
I'm grateful about that too.
So many wonderful posts have been made here. And so many new members that started by posting in this thread.
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the collectors edition DVD
???
What's that? Are there other editions than the usual, with the film and some interviews with Jack and Heath and a few other persons?
it should have been. it was not. ang lee, shamus and focus features have repeatedly been taken to task for this but show noinclination as yet to do a true annotated edition. anything extra that was added was and is available freely on the web.
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john...
reading that precis of the article literally brought tears to my eyes, both in its assessment of the place and effects of the well written short story, and in the wrap up of the effects of this particular story themselves, especially because i feel i know, indeed am, all of those people he describes.
jack
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the collectors edition DVD
???
What's that? Are there other editions than the usual, with the film and some interviews with Jack and Heath and a few other persons?
it should have been. it was not. ang lee, shamus and focus features have repeatedly been taken to task for this but show noinclination as yet to do a true annotated edition. anything extra that was added was and is available freely on the web.
Oh..... it's a shame >:( >:(.......I was really hopeful for a while there......... :'(
Is there no way we can make them change their minds? Although I'm quite sure a lot of brokies have tried already.....
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john...
reading that precis of the article literally brought tears to my eyes, both in its assessment of the place and effects of the well written short story, and in the wrap up of the effects of this particular story themselves, especially because i feel i know, indeed am, all of those people he describes.
jack
Thanks John for that link and for posting those lines.
I love this:
"There is a full stop at the end of it, but another story, the one that goes from the Academy Awards to a songwriter's bedroom, is still finishing. Still writing itself. Still coming down the mountain."
Jack read the whole thing.
"But a good story always has cracks, portals in, where a reader can get alongside a character, muscle into the text. " Love this line.
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I often wonder if I will ever be affected by a movie again after seeing Brokeback Mountain.
Last night a co-worker of my husband's lent us a movie to see...after sitting on my book shelf for 3 months,I decided to watch it...wow!!
http://www.imdb.com/rg/video-title/browser-widget/video/screenplay/vi2275016985/
they even won an Oscar...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qx8yLvb0gZM
Please try to see this movie if you haven't already....to tell a short story of it....two people find each other, they become friends....but for a reason....they remind each other to "live"...to go out for your dreams...
it's a slow movie ,but very nice,if you want your heart strings to be pulled just a bit....
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I especially love the part about the sacred stories of the Jack & Ennis's of the world and are we ready as a world to hear those stories...and treat them as they should be. This is a very powerful sermon. There is another sermon based on BBM written during the Lenten season...we'll have to post it then.
Please link me to it straightaway Ted :)
Truly the whole experience of BBM has been sacred for many of us. There is something called "readiness" to receive the divine and maybe just listening to our stories can help people to free their own channels to receive these gifts. Your post about the gifts of Brokeback Mountain was all the more inspiring and meaningful in the context of Christmas and the Epiphany. Thank you for sharing your story. :-*
I guess we can post it earlier than Lent since it was already given as a sermon in 2006...I'll post it in next response. And you're welcome, and also Daniella. I had been searching a while to figure out what I wanted to say, happy that the words finally came to me.
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Sorry for taking so long to post this. I found this sermon very powerful in that it challenges the concept of a universal love story, yes the author says it is that but the message is much more profound than that, much more...and the challenge that we can fix it is upliftling to me...enjoy...
Cheers, Ted
The Colours of Life: A Yellow Tinge
A Reflection on Brokeback Mountain
The fourth in the five-part Lenten series – Reel Theology
by Robert Oliphant at Eglinton St. George’s United Church, Toronto, Ontario
March 26, 2006
Numbers 21:4-9
The people came to Moses and said, ‘We have sinned by speaking against the LORD and against you; pray to the LORD to take away the serpents from us. So Moses prayed for the people. And the LORD said to Moses, ‘Make a poisonous serpent, and set it on a pole; and everyone who is bitten shall look at it and live.’ So Moses made a serpent of bronze, and put it upon a pole; and whenever a serpent bit someone, that person would look at the serpent of bronze and live.
Buddhist teacher, Sharon Salzberg was once asked by someone wanting to know how to be more compassionate and loving, “How do I open my heart?’ She replied, “Usually it’s broken open.” Ang Lee’s wonderfully written and directed film, Brokeback Mountain will break your heart and, I think, if anything can, open it.
Based on a short story by Annie Proulx, which first appeared in The New Yorker in 1997, Brokeback Mountain begins as the story of teenage cowboys, Ennis del Mar and Jack Twist, who meet in 1963 in Signal, Wyoming. (Aren’t those great names? Ennis del Mar and Jack Twist. Worthy of Jane Austin, I think.) Ennis and Jack, perfectly played by Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal, get jobs together tending sheep one summer on Brokeback’s mountainside. Ennis is a 19 year old of so few words that he can barely utter an audible, intelligible sentence. He is guarded and fearful, though I expect even he doesn’t know what it is that he is afraid of. Having just one year of high school, parentless and alone, his long term plans consist solely of settling down with his girl and becoming a ranch hand. Jack, also 19, is more outgoing, seldom seems at a loss for words. He has done a bit of rodeo riding, and has dreams of making his living on the rodeo circuit. They are, in Proulx’s words, “ a pair of deuces going nowhere.” While they want to be cowboys, they are cast as shepherds. Sheep herders have always been looked down upon by cattle ranchers; it’s a history not lost on the author. We sense right from the beginning that nothing much good will come of them.
On horseback and foot, Jack, Ennis and their sheep dogs drive a thousand sheep high onto Brokeback Mountain, taking them ever higher to greener and greener pastures. Filmed on location in Alberta in the Canadian Rockies, the mountain with its tremendous beauty, breathtaking vistas and chilling isolation is as much a star in this production as is any of the actors. It is an idyllic setting, and the two men who have never known home discover that it is home to them. There they are hailed on, snowed on, rained on and finally, struck by a kind of lightning. That lightning doesn’t come from the great beyond, but it is just as natural. It comes from deep within the two of them. As they come to know and depend on each other this lightning is the electrical charge of physical attraction that can only be actualized in a physical relationship of sex, and gradually grows to love.
They are awkward and clumsy in their relationship as their physical attraction moves slowly to romantic love. They both want and need each other but have no experience in, or ability for, a meaningful relationship. We see them at turns kissing and hitting, holding and drawing blood, loving and despising. As their summer on the mountain comes to an end, they are forced to go their separate ways, one going north and one going south in the great state of Wyoming. Four years pass before they see each other again, long enough for both of them to have married and become fathers. Ennis has married his teenage sweetheart Alma (Michelle Williams) whose strength of character comes through early and pervades the rest of the film. Lureen, a Texas rodeo queen with a wealthy father (Anne Hathaway) has lassoed Jack, but that rope slips off fairly quickly. Jack lives as though he is just biding his time until he and Ennis can build a life together, a lasting and secure partnership for life. Ennis never really admits that as a possibility, haunted by the childhood terror of having seen a man who was beaten to death for his supposed “lifestyle.”
Over the next two decades, Ennis and Jack raise children, work on ranches and in rodeos, sell farm machinery and take occasional “fishing trips” near Brokeback – the only times and places that they can be true to who they really are. The movie goes back and forth between the occasional trips to the lush, verdant foothills and mountains and the dry, arid flatlands where Jack and Ennis are forced to spend 95% of their lives. In one of those dusty places, Alma begins to realize that no fish are ever caught on these trips, and in the other, Lureen seems to resign herself to an affectionate but loveless marriage.
Over the years, Ennis develops the philosophy, “If you can’t fix it, you gotta stand it,” while Jack pines for something fuller, something more authentic. Gradually, Jack turns to other sources to satisfy his longings and Ennis becomes an angry, bitter drunk always looking for a fight as he resists his love for Jack. Everyone around them is hurt by their inability to express their love, their longing, and their companionship honestly and openly. The years of living in the dark, of emotional physical isolation, the internalized homophobia, the denial of self and the denial of love lay waste to all around. All that we see and feel is desolation and pain. (see Epiphany on Brokeback Mountain, David Jenkins, Candler School of Theology, Emory University, February, 2006).
This movie, which some think was robbed of Best Picture of the Year at the Academy Awards, has been dubbed the “gay cowboy movie” of the year. Even actors like Tony Curtis refused to see it because of its gay theme. And he had a vote! In some senses it is a gay cowboy movie: two young, gangly Marlboro men-in-the making develop and act on an attraction that breaks their hearts, the hearts of everyone around them, and the hearts of people like us who listen to their story. Annie Proulx, however, has been clear about her full intentions with Brokeback Mountain. In simple language she has said, “It is a story of destructive rural homophobia.” In that senses, the conservative Christians who have warned their adherents against this movie are absolutely right. It is about changing hearts and minds.
Throughout the film we witness panoramic views not only of glorious mountains, but of systemic, cultural homophobia ruining the lives of everyone it touches – it ruins them physically, emotionally, economically and socially. No one is immune – not their wives, their children, their friends, their parents. Jack and Ennis themselves store it in their bodies stifling hope, feeding fears, blurring the lines between intimacy and violence. It isolates them from each other, from the world and from themselves. They know its destructive force but are powerless in dealing with it. At one point, in justifiable fear, Ennis says to Jack, “Bottom line, we’re around each other and this thing grabs on to us again in the wrong place, wrong time, and we’ll be dead.” This is hardly overly dramatic when you remember that Matthew Shepard, (the name is almost ironic given this film) a young gay man was crucified on a fence in rural Wyoming in 1989, a year after Proulx penned her story. This story touches hearts, because this story continues today.
Perhaps this is why it took eight years to get this story on to the big screen. Producer after producer, director after director, actor after actor admired the intensity of the story, confessed that it brought them to tears, but steadily declined to participate in the project. Now that the film has been produced, it has received huge critical acclaim. Ang Lee the wonderful Taiwanese director of films like Sense and Sensibility and Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon picked up the script and said that it was a love story that had to be made. Together, they shopped it around and finally got the money and the people to put it together.
Now that the film has been made it has received rave reviews from everyone. Peter Howell of the Toronto Star praised both its director and cinematographer for their minimalist approach, “focus[ing] on the space between the lines, the sighs beneath the wind, and the long empty highways that lead to all places, and to nowhere.” The sound track has been praised for its plaintive Latin-American inspired guitar instrumentals and plaintive country and western tunes, both of which set a mood of isolation and yearning. Endless reviewers go to great lengths to underscore the universality of the theme of this movie, down-playing it as a gay movie, claiming that it is almost incidental that it is two men who fall in love in the story. They say that any two people who have found love and been denied it or robbed of it in some way due to race or ethnicity or religion can relate completely to its theme of forbidden love. Roger Ebert even went so far as to say, “I can imagine someone weeping at this film, identifying with it, because he always wanted to stay in the Marines, or be an artist or a cabinetmaker.”
While I agree that it has parallels with stories of love lost, of dreams dashed, I think it is more than that. If this were just such a universal story it would not have taken eight long years to get it produced. Producers, directors, actors, even location managers, would not have avoided it like the plague if it were just a story of forbidden love. If there were not something more potent here, the producers would not have gone to such great lengths to completely avoid the words “gay” and “homosexual,” in their fortynine pager press kit. If there were not something in this film that would bite at the nerve of mainline audiences, challenge some long-held assumptions, and capture the wrath of conservative Christians around the planet, it would not have been reduced to “a story of monumental conflict” at the Golden Globes, and Heath Ledger’s character would not have been simply seen as “a cowboy caught up in a complicated love.”
Yes, this is a story of monumental conflict and it is about a complicated love, but, my friends, it is much more than that. It is a story about the psychological terror that many young gay and lesbian people have and about the great strides that society still needs to take in helping them, helping us, simply accept who we are. It is a story of the psychological terror that many gay men, and many lesbian women have about their desires, their being, their very makeup. That makes it different from stories about love denied because of ethnicity, or religion, or class, or race. Romeo and Juliet may have been denied their love by family, by social structures, by the feud between the Capulets and the Montagues, but they did not grow up hating themselves, and imposing upon themselves what has become known as the closet. The difference in this story has to do with the self- loathing of the characters. These two men cannot move beyond the internal and external constrictions that they face in their own lives and to express whom they feel God has called them to be. That’s the drama of the story, that’s the heartbreak of the story. That’s the reason it wasn’t produced easily.
Daniel Mendelsohn, in an article in The New York Review of Books (February 23, 2006) claims that Annie Proulx, the writer of the story, Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana, its screenplay writers, and Ang Lee, its director, were well aware of this reality, and exceedingly sensitive to it – despite the official rhetoric about the universality of the film. The themes that they are working with are not unique to the modern homosexual experience, but they combine together in a unique way in our era among gay and lesbian people. They are themes of repression, both self-repression from within and repression from others, containment, the emptiness of unrealized lives, fear, self-loathing, and violence. These themes are magnified because they so profoundly have affected the natural instinct for people, for all of us to form, maintain and cherish healthy relationships. Systemic discrimination cripples gay and lesbian people and that crippling ripples through families and communities in violent and self-destructive ways around the world.
Yes, this movie is a love story, a fragile love story. Yes, I am glad that some people see it simply as that and are big enough, strong enough to say that it is universal in nature and that even from their heterosexual vantage point they relate to it. Yes, I am glad that folks have dared to make a movie about love that is limitless and loneliness that sees no possible relief. But, friends, the Christian fundamentalists are right in one respect, this is a gay movie. It does promote an ideology. It is a call for social change and it does demand a response. It does that by portraying, with particular grace, a gay story that I know far too well, both first and second hand.
It portrays that story not only through dialogue but also through the use of space. The lovers are only happy outdoors, unfenced, where enormous skies and vast landscapes suggest that what these men feel for each other is as “natural” and God-given as anything. Other scenes, where they are separated from each other look cramped and claustrophobic, often in their homes pacing like caged animals. It is in the verdant lush and green mountainside where the two men are open and happy and unfettered to be who they are. In the rest of the film the scenes are always on the flatlands, dusty places where hearts are broken and lives are twisted. Ang Lee knew what he was doing in this film.
In our colour theme this year, one could easily characterize both Jack and Ennis as cowardly, as yellow. And, in some ways they are. They are fearful. But there is a reason, and that reason has more to do with us, with society, with the church, with “the majority” than it does with these two men. I think casting actors like Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger in these roles and having them portray Marlboro men in the making, reminds us that it is not their weakness, their lack of courage, or their lack of strength that forces them into this situation. It is the lack of courage outside and around them. Frankly, if the story had been about two fabulous show dancers who discover love for each other on Broadway we might have missed this point. Because this is a “gay cowboy” movie it portrays strength of character and redirects our attention from them to their pain and brokenness. Proulx has brilliantly managed to tell a story that points its finger back at us, and challenges those with power in society to make a difference. To let the sun shine for others.
Our reading from Numbers today is a strange reading about the people of God facing dangers and being afraid. The people of God are afraid. They have been denied water. They have been denied food. They have been denied sleep and they are longing to go back to Egypt to an old way. They are afraid to carry on in this journey. In the latest disaster, poisonous snakes have surrounded them. They ask Moses for help. Moses cries up to God and says, “What should I do?” Very strangely the message that Moses gets, is to fashion a poisonous snake and put it on a stake and show it to the people. What Moses is doing is asking the people to confront their fears, to face their fears and to trust that God will guide them. There is nothing too great for God not to satisfy. There is no fear too strong for God to abate.
The Gospel reading today reminds us that God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not perish but may have eternal life. Did you get that? God so loved the world. Not some of the world. Not the world of the majority of the world. Not some of the world – those who are right handed, rather than left handed, those with brown eyes rather than blue eyes, those with pale skin rather than dark skin, those with higher intelligence rather than those with lesser. God so loved the whole world. God loved every living creature in that world, and God longs for that world to be redeemed, made whole and to be made healthy. God gave that story to Annie Proulx to tell, to remind us that God’s love knows no bounds. It is wide, it is deep, it is long it, is high, it is as big as the Rockies, it is as deep as any river
Ennis says, “If you can’t fix it, you gotta stand it.” God says that you can fix it. God says that you have the power to face the world in all its difficulty, in all its betrayals, in all its anxieties, in all its fears, with every tire iron that is going to bash a young person and say indeed you can fix it.
Thanks be to God, for that is the world that God loves. Amen.
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God says that you can fix it. God says that you have the power to face the world in all its difficulty, in all its betrayals, in all its anxieties, in all its fears, with every tire iron that is going to bash a young person and say indeed you can fix it.
This is such a powerful piece of writing. Thank you so much for posting it here. I hope many of us can get to read it.
:)
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Did you get that? God so loved the world. Not some of the world. Not the world of the majority of the world. Not some of the world – those who are right handed, rather than left handed, those with brown eyes rather than blue eyes, those with pale skin rather than dark skin, those with higher intelligence rather than those with lesser. God so loved the whole world. God loved every living creature in that world, and God longs for that world to be redeemed, made whole and to be made healthy. God gave that story to Annie Proulx to tell, to remind us that God’s love knows no bounds. It is wide, it is deep, it is long it, is high, it is as big as the Rockies, it is as deep as any river.
Thanks be to God, for that is the world that God loves. Amen.
This is the part that sticks with me the most. This should be emphasized to all.
What an absolutely wonderful sermon.
Thanks Ted.
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On the same topic. Many of you have probably heard about Rev Ed Bacon stating on Oprah Winfrey that Being gay was a gift from God.
You can watch the part of his sermon the following week in which he explains further why he can say that.
http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=WYOkg-4f-ts&eurl=http://inchatatime.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2009-01-12T11%3A05%3A00-08%3A00&max-results=7&feature=player_embedded
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Thanks for the link Brian. It is a wonderful sermon!
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Brian and Ted, thanks for the great sermons!
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Brian, thanks for that...
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Ted - thanks so much for posting this.
It's the first description of what this is all about that I think my husband could read without cringing. and he's not religious at all, his current reading is Richard Dawkins' 'The God Delusion'.
I watched the film by myself on Saturday night - my husband is away this weekend and I had to mark this third aniversary of my own. I fiirst saw BBM by myself on 18.1.06, a night etched in my memory.
That piece sums up my response in a pretty magical way.
Thank you Ted.
Love to you all :-* :-*
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It is a nice sermon, very well written.
But the poor guy is preaching to the choir.
The "holier than thou's" have a pat answer to this sermon.
"We agree, and that is why we do not hate the sinner, we simply hate the sin"
And,"the world can only be redeemed if the sin is eradicated. Therefore either abstain or
enroll in our little "change you nasty ways' class"
In addition all of them fall back on good old Leviticus, that amazing little laundry list of
"do nots".
I mean come on, if their god is so darn interested in what we eat why hasn't he anointed another "prophet" to update the
list to include:
"thou shall not eat 'Velveeta', it is an abomination.
or
"woe be to he whosoever swallows a 'fruit loop'', for he shall not enter the gates of the heavenly brunch"
or
"the fires of hell are stoked by the stench of garlic curly fries".
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Only if the French start eating those things will He send that prophet.
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Only if the French start eating those things will He send that prophet.
Lol, you're right.
Guess we should add croque monsier to the list.
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(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi62.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fh86%2FBrokenOkie%2FTDS%2FheathAdNew500.jpg&hash=5af3f7af21c649d7f14c5747d4f205f5bde14022)
Here's a little background on a donation we're making with funds we raised from the sale of the Forum's book.
Our book Beyond Brokeback sold well beyond expectations: roughly 1,300 copies. We grossed about $6,800, some of which we plowed back into the marketing the book, some for running the forum the past 18 months (expanding the server size and memory a few times, to improve response time), and we have put some money aside to keep us running for the next year. That leaves us with about $3,600, which we are going to donate to a worthy charity. We also raised money for a tribute ad to Heath in Variety last year, and about $1,400 more came in than the ad cost. We said we would donate the rest to charity.
We asked members for their input on the book funds, and overwhelming consensus was toward helping struggling gay youth in some way. Several organizations were cited repeatedly, including GLSEN, GLAAD, PFLAG and The Point Foundation's scholarship funds for gay youth. We think any of those would be great beneficiaries--they all do great work for the gay community and gay/straight allies, and are closely aligned with the ideas of Brokeback. Of those, the two which most closely fit the central idea of helping struggling gay youth were GLSEN (http://www.glsen.org/) and The Point Foundation's scholarship fund (http://www.pointfoundation.org/). (Click either for their websites, to learn more.)
So, we will take money available from our book proceeds and split it 50/50 between the two groups, and cite the donations in honor of Heath. We would like to hear from the membership about how to use the $1,400 remaining from the Heath ad. We can increase the GLSEN and Point donations, or do something more specifically related to Heath. Let's hear your thoughts.
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=32190.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=32190.0)
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I've watched the film dozens of times in the past--probably the last time was about a year ago--but I have read and reread so many of the wonderful fanfics wherein Ennis and Jack have that sweet life together, and face all the everyday ups and downs of a solidly together couple, I kinda look at the film now as a tragic happening in the past which eventually led to Jack and Ennis getting together.
There are times when I'm in the mountains and come across a particularly "familiar" clearing, or occasionally when I look up and see beautiful cloud formations, I can't help but remember Ennis and Jack on Brokeback Mountain, and am struck with an immediate and temporary sadness or grief for what happened way back in 1963 to our men.
But I "know" through the fanfics that Jack lives, and somewhere and somehow Ennis and Jack are together for all time, and I can visit them whenever I pick up one of my fanfic binders. I don't know if it's "love" I feel for Ennis and Jack, I just know that they've become a part of who I am. :-\
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Kemmer!!!
I know what you mean about fanfic. That sweet life......
For me finding fanfic was the start of my healing process, without it I don't think I could have coped with the grief and sadness after seeing the film........
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and yet those of us who were 19 year old gay (or confusedly painfully figuring that out) men in 1963 have had to do just that... if we survived at all. no amount of bending reality makes up for that experience.
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and yet those of us who were 16 year old gay (or confusedly painfully figuring that out) men in 1963 have had to do just that... if we survived at all. no amount of bending reality makes up for that experience.
Spot on! I graduated high school in 1963, and still didn't have a clue about being gay. I still thought I was some kind of solitary mistake that I had to keep secret whatever the cost. High school was one of the worst periods in my life. I completely identify with Ennis.
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and yet those of us who were 16 year old gay (or confusedly painfully figuring that out) men in 1963 have had to do just that... if we survived at all. no amount of bending reality makes up for that experience.
Spot on! I graduated high school in 1963, and still didn't have a clue about being gay. I still thought I was some kind of solitary mistake that I had to keep secret whatever the cost. High school was one of the worst periods in my life. I completely identify with Ennis.
I have often commented that I was 19 years old in 1963 and only just learning about homosexuality by studying psychology at university. I thought I was the only one, although have met others who were friends at that time since. It was not discussed in polite circles and being very involved in church I was even less likely to discuss such matters. I have since met a close friend of those times who told me he was doing the beats while we were at school. However my jealousy was tempered by the fact that although he has a phd in chemistry he is unemployed and living in government housing due to suffering from bipolar disorder.
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Well 3 years and 2 days ago, I had no idea that my life was in for the change of changes.
Now I have Rob (Boo Bear), even though we are still 5000 miles apart mostly.
We have talked everyday, somehow, since the 27th January 2006, often more than once a day. I would not have got through the last 3 years and remained sane without him. I see things in a completely different was because of him, my soul is often at rest because of him, which is something I had never known before, I learned how to smile again because of him, I let myself imagine a future that isn't bleak because of him, I have travelled over 100,000 miles because of him.
I am the man I am today because of him. A better man.
That's how Brokeback has affected me.
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hi.
u think im one of the youngest member of this site. but anyway, i am a new fan of BBM. i just watched the movie like three days ago. eversince then, i cant help but think about the movive. it opened new doors and realizations for me that were not present before i watched the film.
well, first of all, the film is very inspiring especially to people like me. currently, i am in a very hard situation. you see, im gay but i dont want people to know about it. im living in a world of lies. but after seeing the film, i was able to look beyond what is missing in my current situation--that is, freedom. BBM made me realize that indeed, the reality for gay people is hard. sometimes, you have to pretend to be somebody just to fit into the society that you are living just like what happened to me.
sometimes, i thnk that people like me (living under the shade of lies) cannot really bare the pain of everyday living. it is because there are somethings men (or perhaps gays) like me are unable to do. and sadly, most of the things that makes people like me happy are the things that i should not have just to be perceived as someone who is straight.
now, im very optimistic with what the future holds for me. i really think that someday, i can emerge from this shell and swim into the deepest part of the ocean. i just hope that when i get there, my ennis is waiting for me. aaawww.... :">
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(((((((((((((((((((((( Nick )))))))))))))))))))))))
I am so happy for you. For you and Rob both!
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Dear New Dreamer!
It's hard for me to find words after reading your post.
From my heart I want to say welcome, very welcome, to the forum and how much I wish you all the best.
Thank you for coming here, for posting!
((((((( Hugs ))))))
Mia
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hi.
u think im one of the youngest member of this site. but anyway, i am a new fan of BBM. i just watched the movie like three days ago. eversince then, i cant help but think about the movive. it opened new doors and realizations for me that were not present before i watched the film.
well, first of all, the film is very inspiring especially to people like me. currently, i am in a very hard situation. you see, im gay but i dont want people to know about it. im living in a world of lies. but after seeing the film, i was able to look beyond what is missing in my current situation--that is, freedom. BBM made me realize that indeed, the reality for gay people is hard. sometimes, you have to pretend to be somebody just to fit into the society that you are living just like what happened to me.
sometimes, i thnk that people like me (living under the shade of lies) cannot really bare the pain of everyday living. it is because there are somethings men (or perhaps gays) like me are unable to do. and sadly, most of the things that makes people like me happy are the things that i should not have just to be perceived as someone who is straight.
now, im very optimistic with what the future holds for me. i really think that someday, i can emerge from this shell and swim into the deepest part of the ocean. i just hope that when i get there, my ennis is waiting for me. aaawww.... :">
Welcome, New Dreamer, and stay strong. He will be there sometime :).
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hi.
u think im one of the youngest member of this site. but anyway, i am a new fan of BBM. i just watched the movie like three days ago. eversince then, i cant help but think about the movive. it opened new doors and realizations for me that were not present before i watched the film.
well, first of all, the film is very inspiring especially to people like me. currently, i am in a very hard situation. you see, im gay but i dont want people to know about it. im living in a world of lies. but after seeing the film, i was able to look beyond what is missing in my current situation--that is, freedom. BBM made me realize that indeed, the reality for gay people is hard. sometimes, you have to pretend to be somebody just to fit into the society that you are living just like what happened to me.
sometimes, i thnk that people like me (living under the shade of lies) cannot really bare the pain of everyday living. it is because there are somethings men (or perhaps gays) like me are unable to do. and sadly, most of the things that makes people like me happy are the things that i should not have just to be perceived as someone who is straight.
now, im very optimistic with what the future holds for me. i really think that someday, i can emerge from this shell and swim into the deepest part of the ocean. i just hope that when i get there, my ennis is waiting for me. aaawww.... :">
Welcome New Dreamer!!!
It seems you're in a difficult and hard situation in your life. If you stay with us here on the forum, I'm quite sure you'll find some help and guidance and good inspiration and friendships! Please keep on posting, and don't be afraid to look into different threads, or go back in threads to read old posts. I'm sure you'll find a lot of people who share your experiences!
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Well 3 years and 2 days ago, I had no idea that my life was in for the change of changes.
Now I have Rob (Boo Bear), even though we are still 5000 miles apart mostly.
We have talked everyday, somehow, since the 27th January 2006, often more than once a day. I would not have got through the last 3 years and remained sane without him. I see things in a completely different was because of him, my soul is often at rest because of him, which is something I had never known before, I learned how to smile again because of him, I let myself imagine a future that isn't bleak because of him, I have travelled over 100,000 miles because of him.
I am the man I am today because of him. A better man.
That's how Brokeback has affected me.
Nikko..... :-*
I'm so happy that because of this film...this Forum....you found your true love. You and a few others in here.
It really warms my heart...and even though you're not "together" at the moment....it's going to happen...I know people keep saying that...and you've been so patient...but it's just around the corner...sooner than you think.
I continue to wish you and Rob all the best...and you're forever in my thoughts...
(((hugs)))
Nellie
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hi.
u think im one of the youngest member of this site. but anyway, i am a new fan of BBM. i just watched the movie like three days ago. eversince then, i cant help but think about the movive. it opened new doors and realizations for me that were not present before i watched the film.
well, first of all, the film is very inspiring especially to people like me. currently, i am in a very hard situation. you see, im gay but i dont want people to know about it. im living in a world of lies. but after seeing the film, i was able to look beyond what is missing in my current situation--that is, freedom. BBM made me realize that indeed, the reality for gay people is hard. sometimes, you have to pretend to be somebody just to fit into the society that you are living just like what happened to me.
sometimes, i thnk that people like me (living under the shade of lies) cannot really bare the pain of everyday living. it is because there are somethings men (or perhaps gays) like me are unable to do. and sadly, most of the things that makes people like me happy are the things that i should not have just to be perceived as someone who is straight.
now, im very optimistic with what the future holds for me. i really think that someday, i can emerge from this shell and swim into the deepest part of the ocean. i just hope that when i get there, my ennis is waiting for me. aaawww.... :">
Hello Dreamer.....
I'm not sure how old you are when you say you're so young....BUT...
Lucky for you at this young age you can start your new life...be true to yourself no matter what. I don't know where you live or how your parents feel about the "gay" community...what ever happens and how ever you choose to live your life...we'll be here for you....there are many people who can help you here...they can open doors for you and help you to realize that indeed you are a dreamer....a dream that will become reality....never give up on your dreams...NEVER
Good luck and please continue to post and lurk around
your friend,
Nellie
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hi.
u think im one of the youngest member of this site. but anyway, i am a new fan of BBM. i just watched the movie like three days ago. eversince then, i cant help but think about the movive. it opened new doors and realizations for me that were not present before i watched the film.
well, first of all, the film is very inspiring especially to people like me. currently, i am in a very hard situation. you see, im gay but i dont want people to know about it. im living in a world of lies. but after seeing the film, i was able to look beyond what is missing in my current situation--that is, freedom. BBM made me realize that indeed, the reality for gay people is hard. sometimes, you have to pretend to be somebody just to fit into the society that you are living just like what happened to me.
sometimes, i thnk that people like me (living under the shade of lies) cannot really bare the pain of everyday living. it is because there are somethings men (or perhaps gays) like me are unable to do. and sadly, most of the things that makes people like me happy are the things that i should not have just to be perceived as someone who is straight.
now, im very optimistic with what the future holds for me. i really think that someday, i can emerge from this shell and swim into the deepest part of the ocean. i just hope that when i get there, my ennis is waiting for me. aaawww.... :">
Hello Dreamer.....
I'm not sure how old you are when you say you're so young....BUT...
Lucky for you at this young age you can start your new life...be true to yourself no matter what. I don't know where you live or how your parents feel about the "gay" community...what ever happens and how ever you choose to live your life...we'll be here for you....there are many people who can help you here...they can open doors for you and help you to realize that indeed you are a dreamer....a dream that will become reality....never give up on your dreams...NEVER
Good luck and please continue to post and lurk around
your friend,
Nellie
---------------------------------------
thanks for all of you who welcomed me. currently, im 19 and going 20 this April. im also graduating this march...hopefully if i dont fail one of my subjects.
yep. it's been really a hard time in my place. it's like living in wyoming '63. but you know, watching BBM gives me hope.
PEOPLE LIKE ME REALLY SUFFER BUT IN TIME FIND HAPPINESS.
for the third tim, i watched it again even if i have a class. i dont know. i just cant help it. i especially keep on repeating the scene where ennis and jack had their last argument. every time i watch that scene, i cant help but rewind the whole scene and bite my lips from the words that jack spoke to ennis and ennis' reply to jack's statement.
JACK: I WISH I KNOW HOW TO QUIT YOU!
*rewinds and repeats the scene again(an of course, i bit my lips)*
ENNIS: WHY DONT YOU? WHY DONT YOU LET ME BE? IT'S BECAUSE OF YOU JACK THAT IM LIKE THIS
*rewinds the whole scene again. OMG!*
im so addicted.
PS:
im not sure how accurate my lines are. ill try to review it when i watch it again.
by the way, im quite overwhelmed right now. thanks for all of you who understands me and are willing to listen to me. im in pain but i wont let it kill me.
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You will be fine, new dreamer. You are not the only person this ever happened to, the are millions of others out there just like you. You are not alone, there are plenty of people here who will support you, gay and straight, but all understanding. Stay strong.
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Well 3 years and 2 days ago, I had no idea that my life was in for the change of changes.
Now I have Rob (Boo Bear), even though we are still 5000 miles apart mostly.
We have talked everyday, somehow, since the 27th January 2006, often more than once a day. I would not have got through the last 3 years and remained sane without him. I see things in a completely different was because of him, my soul is often at rest because of him, which is something I had never known before, I learned how to smile again because of him, I let myself imagine a future that isn't bleak because of him, I have travelled over 100,000 miles because of him.
I am the man I am today because of him. A better man.
That's how Brokeback has affected me.
I love you Nicky!
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Rob and Nick))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))!!!!!
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
from Earl and Fritz
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(((((((((((((((((((EARL & FRITZ))))))))))))))))))))))))
From Rob and Nick
(I like how that sounds, Fritz!)
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Well 3 years and 2 days ago, I had no idea that my life was in for the change of changes.
Now I have Rob (Boo Bear), even though we are still 5000 miles apart mostly.
We have talked everyday, somehow, since the 27th January 2006, often more than once a day. I would not have got through the last 3 years and remained sane without him. I see things in a completely different was because of him, my soul is often at rest because of him, which is something I had never known before, I learned how to smile again because of him, I let myself imagine a future that isn't bleak because of him, I have travelled over 100,000 miles because of him.
I am the man I am today because of him. A better man.
That's how Brokeback has affected me.
((((((((((rob & nick))))))))))
you know about the long list of wonderful things i wish to you two ;)
and i miss you both a lot.....can't wait for the day when i'll be visiting you two in your home together..... :)
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(((((((Martina!)))))))
Still looking forward to meeting you in person!
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I am more a reader than a viewer.
I read the story in march 2006. It stayed with me for some time, but had other things on my mind, so no real 'deep impact'.
The movie was broadcasted by Belgian TV on October 2 or 3 2008. It recorded it, saw it on October 4. Mainly to have some images with the story. I even went 'fast forward' quite often.
On October 5 I read the story again.
Since then my life has not been the same.
I suffer from all the pbs-symptoms that other members of the forum have described. Questions:
1. Does this happen often with stories and/or movies?
I'm middle-aged, female, never have experienced anything like this before - I mean: two fictional characters having such influence on what I feel and think?
2. Is there a psychological explanation for what I feel?
3. How long does it take to wear off?
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Kitty, Welcome to our forum, how to answer your questions.......... I think we all have different experiences here ;) The depth of how this film has affected us is in some ways incredible. Keep reading and posting to find your answers :)
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Kitty
As Neil said, we all have different experiences here.
About 3 years ago, Jari (Boris) posted this and it has stayed with me all this time.
This may not have any answers for you, but it explained a lot for me.
Here's what Jari had to say:
I haven’t posted much during the last days. Just brief comments, I have been overwhelmed by this blog and there just doesn’t seem to be enough time to follow all the threads, discussions, get to know how some people think.
Couple of days ago someone asked in some thread that if the effect of Brokeback is somehow related to Jungian archtypes. I have no idea but it got me thinking. In moments like this I curse that English isn’t my first language. I am frustrated already about the fact I cannot express myself as eloquently as I would hope and you deserved but be patient with me. I try to be coherent.
I started to think about power of narratives. To put a very long story and theory in short: I have worked in the field of psychiatric rehabilitation for two decades. So I have been interested in people’s life stories. I have never been interested in interpreting experiences or incidents in those stories as part of therapeutic process, I have been more focused on narratives: how and what people tell about their lives.
I have always wondered how people get the bravery, hope and stamina they need in order to recover from something so painful as psychiatric illness. I still do. So I started to listen those stories and created something that you might call a description of process: a list of problems, questions, challenges and phases people go through when they start to recover. Then I started to share that with my clients in groups. But the crucial part was that I worked with someone who was in recovery and told his or her story to the group.
One of the themes nearly always present in those stories was the sense of losing meaning and purpose in life. That illness itself and consequences of it have robbed them the sense of continuity; their stories get broken. In the middle of the crisis it is almost impossible to combine the experiences of loss, fear, pain to the earlier life events and at the same time keep the feeling of continuity of life and the idea of future. Many of them get stuck in pain without direction.
Hearing stories of others and combining them with knowledge of the possibility of recovery and hope gives them opportunity to share but also a frame of reference for that sharing. They reflect their lives and experiences to the stories that are being told and start seeing sense in the story of their own.
I believe that in life we can get disconnected from our life stories in a same way. Intense experiences, betrayals, disappointments, lost loves and emotions they wake in us, are so painful that we cannot face them. We rationalize them. We give them interpretations and meanings but most importantly we insulate ourselves from our emotions. Especially for many gays this is familiar: we learn very early to hide our yearning and love, downplay our identity and hide our disappointments and losses. Because we often do not share these experiences we develop a personal language of loss, language that is sometimes very hard for others to understand.
We seek connection and sharing but because we are disconnected from our own feelings and our emotional history, these connections often fail us: we do not have same language.
Brokeback Mountain has done something very seldom a movie can, It has provided us all a frame of reference to reflect our pain, sorrow, joy, love, hopes and aspirations. It gave us all a mirror to look at ourselves. It gave us a story that we could emotionally attach and this forum provided a place where to share our feelings.
Brokeback provided us with language of loss that we all could understand. Brokeback hit us directly into heart and ripped our protective layers to shreds. It left us vulnerable and raw but also alive. Brokeback cannot provide meaning and purpose to our lives but it has exposed the need, shown to us that we may have lost our direction and we need to reclaim it.
As a gay man I realize that we lost the stories of previous generations to AIDS. It took away thousands and thousands of men who could have taught us, told us their stories. We weren't left without srories altogether because we heard incredible stories of pain, loss, love and sorrow, bravery and commitment in face of death. But we didn’t get to share the stories of love and life. We had no frame of reference. We had to create stories without the wisdom of earlier generations and also without affirming stories in culture around us.
Now I know that there are millions of stories worth telling and sharing. Our stories have never been told. The stories of love, lust, happiness and joy, of betrayal, loss, tragedy and pain. The stories that we could relate to. That would speak of us. Brokeback does that. It is a movie of basic humanity and choices, love and denial but it is also our story.
I don't know... maybe you get the idea. Hopefully.
And I liked the post so much that I turned it into a video with RodneyWY's help.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfyMsGz6WLU (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfyMsGz6WLU)
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Hi Kitty and very welcome to our forum.
I am also a middleaged female (there are many of us here), and I have also struggled with those questions, and some more.....
Here are the answers I found, they may not be true for you:
I have never heard of any other story or movie that affects people like BBM. Although of course there are lots of stories and movies that people like very much, and there are fanclubs and so on. But I don't think it's quite the same, the huge impact of BBM on us all here is not on an intellectual level, it's on a very profound emotional level. That's why it hits us so hard.
I have also wondered a lot about a psychological explanation, I have put together bits and pieces, but no, I haven't found an explanation that covers it all....
It's not hard to imagine the powerful impact on gay men, esp if they live in the closet, but for us straight women it's harder. Someone else said that many of us, men and women, are somehow "chipped pottery". That we bear old scars deep within us, often not even known to ourselves. Living in denial or hiding one's sexuality surely must be such a scar, but there are others. Many other pains can be hidden within us, often since childhood, and some of them may have to do with love, loss, regret, shame, guilt, loneliness, not being accepted the way you are, a hidden (or unknown) true self..... BBM somehow rips away the layers covering those scars, and there we are, naked and exposed, long lost and hidden pains suddenly raw and open. And we cry......I think the tears are the start of a healing process that can take a long time for some, maybe shorter for some.
I think for women of our generation there is also an element of forbidden sexuality to all this. We have never been encouraged or even allowed to show our sexuality openly and being proud of it. Never allowed to acknowledge it and enjoy it. For many of us we have hardly known it was there. And if we found and noticed it, there was alway a great deal of shame and guilt connected with it, overshadowing the joy and pleasure. Something that had to be kept hidden deep down, never being spoken of, seldom even with other women. This may be something similar to what gay men experience.
How long time does it take? No idea...... For me the unbearable pain and sadness slowly lessened, but the profound and overwhelming impact never stopped. It's a part of my life now, it's with me all the time.
What helped me and so many others is this forum. Stay with us here, you are more than welcome! Read posts, share with us, talk about your feelings and thoughts with us. That is a way to healing, and gaining some perspective on this whole incredible, life altering and overwhelming experience!
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Sonya,
I like your explanation... ;)
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Thank you Nellie!
It's what I've so far found to be true, or at least possibly true, for me. But I'm sure others can relate to some of it too.
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I have also wondered a lot about a psychological explanation, I have put together bits and pieces, but no, I haven't found an explanation that covers it all....
It's not hard to imagine the powerful impact on gay men, esp if they live in the closet, but for us straight women it's harder. Someone else said that many of us, men and women, are somehow "chipped pottery". That we bear old scars deep within us, often not even known to ourselves. Living in denial or hiding one's sexuality surely must be such a scar, but there are others. Many other pains can be hidden within us, often since childhood, and some of them may have to do with love, loss, regret, shame, guilt, loneliness, not being accepted the way you are, a hidden (or unknown) true self..... BBM somehow rips away the layers covering those scars, and there we are, naked and exposed, long lost and hidden pains suddenly raw and open. And we cry......I think the tears are the start of a healing process that can take a long time for some, maybe shorter for some.
Yes...for me...this says LOTS.!
thank you
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:-* :-*
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A great post, Sonja. I also think it says a lot!
:-*
Kitty!
A warm welcome from me too!
And thank you for coming here!
:)
Mia
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Well, folks, it's official today - since Brokeback showed me what happens when you sleep walk through life, standing what you don't think you can fix, I really have woken up - I've lost 55 lbs, and actually have been making time to leave the house and meet people. I'm even going to the Brokie dinner in NY on the 13th. Major changes in direction and approach. Thanks to all in the Forum and everyone associated with the story and film. I am so changed a person that some people I've known for years aren't sure I'm me, if that makes sense to you. It sure does to me!
May the long time sun shine upon you, all love surround you, and the pure light within you guide you all the way on.
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attaway to rock on, life is too short to sleep through.
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Wow Fofol - welcome to a bigger world ;) Get out there and do some living ;D
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May the long time sun shine upon you, all love surround you, and the pure light within you guide you all the way on.
Right back at ya!
I'm happy for you! Thank you so much for sharing!
:-* :-* :-*
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A great post, Sonja. I also think it says a lot!
Thank you Mia!
:-*
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Congratulations Fofol, to those fantastic changes in your life!!
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Dear, Dear fofol.
You know how proud I am of you, and how much I care :-* :-* :-*
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Well, folks, it's official today - since Brokeback showed me what happens when you sleep walk through life, standing what you don't think you can fix, I really have woken up - I've lost 55 lbs, and actually have been making time to leave the house and meet people. I'm even going to the Brokie dinner in NY on the 13th. Major changes in direction and approach. Thanks to all in the Forum and everyone associated with the story and film. I am so changed a person that some people I've known for years aren't sure I'm me, if that makes sense to you. It sure does to me!
May the long time sun shine upon you, all love surround you, and the pure light within you guide you all the way on.
Oh wow....this is great!! I'm very happy for you ...you just made me smile!!...getting to know "YOU" is the greatest gift you can give yourself....I'm very proud of you even if I don't know you.... ;D
Nellie
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I've been meaning to write this post for a long time.
The strange thing is that Brokeback has ultimately affected me by making me come to terms with happiness in my life (although I admit that I'm a little nervous saying that - not because of of seeming smug, but because of fears of hubris and what it can bring). And what this has led me to is understanding that some of the things that I value and that I love about my life may not be very 'Brokeback.' It's something of a paradox.
When I first came here it was with one of the messages that I took from the film - to be open is a good thing and it's important to live your life as fully as possible - both things that Ennis did not do. That's why I used my name as my username. Somewhere along the line the incidentals of the film - the western setting, the cowboy life, etc. seemed more important than that message. But as time goes by I have remembered that what was central to the story for me was the commitment to truth and identity - and that my identity is not that of a cowboy and it is important for me to be dedicated to my own life and not chase after a cinematic fantasy.
My identity has been tied up with both my mind and my sexuality since I was a teen. It has driven who I have become and what I have done with my life. Long ago I moved to my 'Brokeback' - which, it turns out, is San Francisco. I moved away from the rural homophobia that I grew up around. But with the AIDS epidemic having intervened, and the changes that come with time (like friends moving away) there was room for new people in my life. I have found some of those people here - and of course have kept my friends that I have loved for years - some who look a little more like Lureen than either Jack or Ennis...and they get blonder over the years too.
I believe that it's important to find the things that make life worth living for you and to realize that they may not be the same for you as they are for everyone else. And that, for me, is one of the messages of 'Brokeback.' The notion that 'if you can't fix it you have to stand it' has never worked for me. I've always thought that it is worthwhile and good to struggle and to succeed in life - and I've always thought that it's important to try to think yourself out of a problem - whether through finding books that give you options or going to counselors who can help you reflect on your life and change it in ways that are positive and to let patterns go that are self-defeating.
But those were my answers - and I certainly have known a number of people who did not seek out those answers. So when I initially saw 'Brokeback' it put me into a kind of nostalgia - remembering what the world was like before I came out, read gay books and moved to San Francisco and wondering about the people I knew back then and what had happened to them (and what could have happened). And then I realized that for many people this was not nostalgia - that this was the reality of their current existence. Imagine my surprise. This motivated me to write for the Daily Sheet, start threads like the Gay History thread and to do the book club and film club. This is in keeping with my own identity - after coming out I started working in a bookstore and created a LGBT book section and when AIDS came I worked in an information organization. But again I have discovered that many of my answers were not the answers that others could or would use. And I discovered that there were people who had found answers that were as antithetical to my way of life as those who spent endless hours cruising. And (not to sound to Stuart Smiley about it) that's okay. Because I'm not in charge of anyone else's life and I don't accept that anyone else has a right to tell me what to do. I think that's part of what healthy psychological boundaries are about - that you don't need to accept or respond to the judgments or communications of anyone you don't want to.
I suppose what I am seeing in my own life is that I have moved from the initial obsession and euphoria of 'Brokeback' that moved me out of my own life back into who I am and what I want. And I believe that has happened to many people here - we are moving back towards the life we lived before. For me it has been a wonderful experience - I've done things here that I want to do and have made friends that I believe will last a lifetime. But of course that's a lot to get from a movie. What could be better? As someone who was happy with my life before the film it seems to have been the best possible outcome.
I wish you all happiness. Follow your bliss.
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Thanks Michael.
As always, explaining it just right,.
How it worked for you and how people can take from this or not.
Lots of this resonates for me, but mostly points out once again how individual our reactions are and what we each take from this.
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Well, folks, it's official today - since Brokeback showed me what happens when you sleep walk through life, standing what you don't think you can fix, I really have woken up - I've lost 55 lbs, and actually have been making time to leave the house and meet people. I'm even going to the Brokie dinner in NY on the 13th. Major changes in direction and approach. Thanks to all in the Forum and everyone associated with the story and film. I am so changed a person that some people I've known for years aren't sure I'm me, if that makes sense to you. It sure does to me!
May the long time sun shine upon you, all love surround you, and the pure light within you guide you all the way on.
Oh wow....this is great!! I'm very happy for you ...you just made me smile!!...getting to know "YOU" is the greatest gift you can give yourself....I'm very proud of you even if I don't know you.... ;D
Nellie
I second that. Go for it, Fofol! ;D
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Hello Fofol & Michael!
thanks for the great posts here! Both were well said!
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Thanks Michael.
As always, explaining it just right,.
How it worked for you and how people can take from this or not.
Lots of this resonates for me, but mostly points out once again how individual our reactions are and what we each take from this.
Same here, Linda and Michael.
Brokeback has been a learning and enriching experience, but I know I am not giving up on the things I enjoyed before which made me happy.
If I enjoyed them before, I should still make time to enjoy them now. It's college basketball season, so I'm watching some games. Maybe I'll even do some more jigsaw puzzles someday, and read books which have nothing to do with Brokeback.
But there are still some very precious things which have come out of the "Brokeback experience," for me. These include the people I've met here, the new places I've been to, the new books I've read (as part of that book club), and other cultural experiences (maybe including seeing "Milk," as one example) which I was encouraged to take part in because of my participation here.
They aren't cowboy (or cowgirl) things, as I grew up near enough to the Denver stock show, and saw cows on my grandparents' farm in Texas, that I had enough of them when I was younger, and knew they would never be part of my identity.
I agree with you so much, Michael, it's all about being who you really are. Don't you think that's a lesson of "Milk," too?
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I agree with you so much, Michael, it's all about being who you really are. Don't you think that's a lesson of "Milk," too?
Yes indeed Deb. Actually a lot of my line of thinking there came from 'Milk' when I realized 'Hey wait - I'm in my 'Brokeback' - and people died so I could be here....'
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I sometimes wonder if all of us Brokies are people who don't, for one reason or another, fit the mold? Perhaps for various reasons we aren't quite like everyone else, perhaps we just don't want to be.
I do think it applies to me, and for several reasons.
I do feel much more inclined to just be myself and to be proud of what I am these days.
It is a great gift, and something I wish I had learned earlier.
It doesn't have to be about sexuality, and in my case it is not, just a feeling of being different from the average woman, being interested in things that the average woman is not, reading different books, listening to different music, watching different films, bucking the usual trends.
Being loud and emotional, not quiet and demure.
Being passionate about life and all of its facets.
I can even read a map!
And Michael, I am really enjoying "The Mayor of Castro Street," and I can almost guarantee that none of my non Brokie friends would go anywhere near it, not being interested in gay rights or politics.
Strange.
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No Janjo, it doesn't have to be about sexuality - and in some ways (limits of time and space, etc.) mine is not about it either. I can remember being in gay bars where I felt no kind of common bond at all. It's about being who you are - in all of the myriad ways. And I agree with the notion of not fitting the mold.
I also think that it has a bit to do with some of us being (ahem) of a certain age and thinking 'Is this all there is? I think not!'
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No Janjo, it doesn't have to be about sexuality - and in some ways (limits of time and space, etc.) mine is not about it either. I can remember being in gay bars where I felt no kind of common bond at all. It's about being who you are - in all of the myriad ways. And I agree with the notion of not fitting the mold.
I also think that it has a bit to do with some of us being (ahem) of a certain age and thinking 'Is this all there is? I think not!'
I usually feel out of place in a lot of gay bars too, unless I'm with a group of friends.
Then I fell in love, head over heels in love, with the most wonderful boy in the world.
We would take long walks by the river or just sit for hours gazing into each other's eyes.
We were so very much in love.
Then one day he went away and I thought I'd die, but I didn't
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Generally I don't think of myself as Peggy Lee, however.
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I agree with you so much, Michael, it's all about being who you really are. Don't you think that's a lesson of "Milk," too?
Yes indeed Deb. Actually a lot of my line of thinking there came from 'Milk' when I realized 'Hey wait - I'm in my 'Brokeback' - and people died so I could be here....'
Absolutely Michael - I saw those two poor bastards so out of touch with their own mudane realities that that's what finally put me right with myself and the place I recognize as my part of the world. I really like your expression, "I'm in my own Brokeback." We each get to pull the levers and ropes in our own Brokebacks, to make things go the way we're sure we want: the rest will follow - the most obvious lessons are sometimes the most difficult to see. Follow your bliss and eventually arrive at that happier me, happier you place where we all deserve to live.
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Follow your bliss and eventually arrive at that happier me, happier you place where we all deserve to live.
Exactly right fofol! You get to decide what makes you happy (and no one else can tell you if you've found the right thing) and when you figure it out the thing to do is go for it.
Here's to finding your own Brokeback!
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Generally I don't think of myself as Peggy Lee, however.
So how come the first time you saw me naked you sang, "Is That All There Is"?
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Woooot! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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who? me? ::)
it has a bit to do with some of us being (ahem) of a certain age and thinking 'Is this all there is? I think not!'
and i certainly never fit in a prescribed role, and wasted precious little time trying, as a child OR an adult. it got me in plenty of trouble.
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I sometimes wonder if all of us Brokies are people who don't, for one reason or another, fit the mold? Perhaps for various reasons we aren't quite like everyone else, perhaps we just don't want to be.
I do think it applies to me, and for several reasons.
I do feel much more inclined to just be myself and to be proud of what I am these days.
It is a great gift, and something I wish I had learned earlier.
It doesn't have to be about sexuality, and in my case it is not, just a feeling of being different from the average woman, being interested in things that the average woman is not, reading different books, listening to different music, watching different films, bucking the usual trends.
Being loud and emotional, not quiet and demure.
Being passionate about life and all of its facets.
I can even read a map!
And Michael, I am really enjoying "The Mayor of Castro Street," and I can almost guarantee that none of my non Brokie friends would go anywhere near it, not being interested in gay rights or politics.
Strange.
Thats the Essex girl in you coming out!!! LOL
On the whole Jess I agree most wholeheartedly!!!
Sal ;D
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And Michael, I am really enjoying "The Mayor of Castro Street," and I can almost guarantee that none of my non Brokie friends would go anywhere near it, not being interested in gay rights or politics.
Strange.
Yes, well we're odd ducks, but we all seem to be flying in the same direction. ;) :D
Very glad to hear you're enjoying the book - I'm thrilled all these years later that it's still a great read. Harvey was a bit of an odd bird himself, wasn't he? It's not every lawmaker that dons clown makeup and runs up to tourists on the cable cars yelling 'I make laws in this city.' How Lord Sutch!
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who? me? ::)
it has a bit to do with some of us being (ahem) of a certain age and thinking 'Is this all there is? I think not!'
and i certainly never fit in a prescribed role, and wasted precious little time trying, as a child OR an adult. it got me in plenty of trouble.
Trying or NOT trying, jack? ;)
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I sometimes wonder if all of us Brokies are people who don't, for one reason or another, fit the mold? Perhaps for various reasons we aren't quite like everyone else, perhaps we just don't want to be.
I do think it applies to me, and for several reasons.
I do feel much more inclined to just be myself and to be proud of what I am these days.
It is a great gift, and something I wish I had learned earlier.
It doesn't have to be about sexuality, and in my case it is not, just a feeling of being different from the average woman, being interested in things that the average woman is not, reading different books, listening to different music, watching different films, bucking the usual trends.
Being loud and emotional, not quiet and demure.
Being passionate about life and all of its facets.
I can even read a map!
And Michael, I am really enjoying "The Mayor of Castro Street," and I can almost guarantee that none of my non Brokie friends would go anywhere near it, not being interested in gay rights or politics.
Strange.
EXACTLY Jess!!! I so agree. I was always the odd one out in my family. Not necessarily the black sheep, just the different one. The one that liked change and did not accept that things should always be the same and predictable. It was good I married someone like me.
But before I saw Brokeback, I look back and realize I was becoming like everyone else. Content to be a widow and live my life out and not change. Brokeback changed all that. It shook me up and made me realize I had so much more living to do. Losing my husband could have made me like Ennis when he lost Jack. But I knew that I could not live the rest of my life like Ennis did. That life was out there and the only one who could make the change was me. So I did.
And like you, it has made me proud of who I am, and allowed me to be able to experience so many more things and live life to the fullest. Taking me back to who I have always been, but just got lost for awhile.
Thanks for putting it so well.
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and i certainly never fit in a prescribed role, and wasted precious little time trying, as a child OR an adult. it got me in plenty of trouble.
Trying or NOT trying, jack? ;)
remember that ballet dancing hippo in fantasia? that would have been me trying to fit in.
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I sometimes wonder if all of us Brokies are people who don't, for one reason or another, fit the mold? Perhaps for various reasons we aren't quite like everyone else, perhaps we just don't want to be.
Thank you, Jess! :-* :-* I also think you're right. It applies to me too.
Here's to Brokie’s as odd ducks – I never heard that expression... Made me think of ugly ducklings after that long, cold winter being haunted, picked on, bullied, frozen and lonely.... Ugly ducklings bending necks when meeting those beautiful white birds, seeing the reflexion in the surface of the lake....
And thank you Michael for your post. I really loved reading about how you found your answers, your ways. (Sometimes I wish I didn't have the language issue in the way for what I want to say. Sorry I can't express this better...) I've never said this but I really appreciate your presence here at the forum.
I also want to thank you for talking about our separate and individual journeys here. How we find different answers, maybe even different questions...
As I read the 3rd anniversary thread I thought about our differences in time. I haven't been here at the forum even half as long as the first members. And nearly every day I see a new username at the bottom of the index page. I think it's wonderful to read the posts from ‘old’ members that moved on and to read the posts from new members who just saw Brokeback Mountain.
Here's to friendships, new and old....
I wish you all happiness. Follow your bliss.
And happiness to you, Michael. :-* :-*
Must tell you, some weeks ago I ordered Pathways to bliss by Joseph Campbell. But I got the money back. The publisher had no copies I was told.... Your post made me go back to the site I order books from.... It seems to be available now.... :)
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Thank you everyone. I think this explains why I have always felt so at home here. More at one with you all than with many of my "physical," local friends, although most of you are physical friends to me now too, so I am very lucky.
We all understand each other for a reason, we all have a feeling and a vision that many others don't share.
What was a disadvantage has been turned into a blessing.
We are so lucky to have forged these bonds of friendship.
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But before I saw Brokeback, I look back and realize I was becoming like everyone else. Content to be a widow and live my life out and not change. Brokeback changed all that. It shook me up and made me realize I had so much more living to do. Losing my husband could have made me like Ennis when he lost Jack. But I knew that I could not live the rest of my life like Ennis did. That life was out there and the only one who could make the change was me. So I did.
Linda, even though you had always been one who had liked change, I can imagine that it was difficult to move away from being "content to be a widow...and not change." So many women seem to get stuck at that point.
It must have taken a lot of courage to start moving down your own path toward finding a new life for yourself. I really admire you for that.
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I agree with you so much, Michael, it's all about being who you really are. Don't you think that's a lesson of "Milk," too?
Yes indeed Deb. Actually a lot of my line of thinking there came from 'Milk' when I realized 'Hey wait - I'm in my 'Brokeback' - and people died so I could be here....'
Ya know, Debbie and Mikey...
Nick and I saw 'Milk' while he was here visiting in December. I found it very inspirational.
Just finished reading the book 'Street Zen' a biography of Tommy "Issan" Dorsey, a navy sailor turn drag queen/drug addict to, ultimately the abbot of Hartford Street Zen Center in the Castro in San Francisco.
Watching movies like 'Milk' and reading books like 'Street Zen' show me the limited life I've lead and really makes me feel motivated to make a change or two in my life... but have no idea where or how to go from where I'm at.
oh well... dangy~!
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But before I saw Brokeback, I look back and realize I was becoming like everyone else. Content to be a widow and live my life out and not change. Brokeback changed all that. It shook me up and made me realize I had so much more living to do. Losing my husband could have made me like Ennis when he lost Jack. But I knew that I could not live the rest of my life like Ennis did. That life was out there and the only one who could make the change was me. So I did.
Linda, even though you had always been one who had liked change, I can imagine that it was difficult to move away from being "content to be a widow...and not change." So many women seem to get stuck at that point.
It must have taken a lot of courage to start moving down your own path toward finding a new life for yourself. I really admire you for that.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
What Debbie said....
Linda!!!!!!! Thank you for staying here and for being you!!!!!!!
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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Ya know, Debbie and Mikey...
Nick and I saw 'Milk' while he was here visiting in December. I found it very inspirational.
Just finished reading the book 'Street Zen' a biography of Tommy "Issan" Dorsey, a navy sailor turn drag queen/drug addict to, ultimately the abbot of Hartford Street Zen Center in the Castro in San Francisco.
Watching movies like 'Milk' and reading books like 'Street Zen' show me the limited life I've lead and really makes me feel motivated to make a change or two in my life... but have no idea where or how to go from where I'm at.
oh well... dangy~!
First step is to get your ass to Ardleigh - the rest will follow naturally!!!
Sal :-*
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I sometimes wonder if all of us Brokies are people who don't, for one reason or another, fit the mold? Perhaps for various reasons we aren't quite like everyone else, perhaps we just don't want to be.
As others have said, I think you're really on to something here Jess!
I've always felt as the odd one out, in almost every context I've ever been in....
Always trying to shape, and reshape, myself to try to fit in....never fully succeeding....
Maybe that's why being around brokies feels so great, here is room for everyone and we are all, in some sense, the odd one out.....maybe that actually is what brings us together and make us feel at home with each other.
I want to believe that I eventually will be able to stop trying to shape myself to fit others, but I'm not quite there yet. Brokeback really helped me along a great deal, I've come a long way already, but part of it still reamains.
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Watching movies like 'Milk' and reading books like 'Street Zen' show me the limited life I've lead and really makes me feel motivated to make a change or two in my life... but have no idea where or how to go from where I'm at.
This is very true for me too, Rob. I know what I want to leave behind, but I still don't know where I'm heading.....so I'm stuck at the moment.... :-\
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First step is to get your ass to Ardleigh - the rest will follow naturally!!!
Sal :-*
Let's hope so. Unless your skin is unusually stretchy.
;) :-* :-* :-*
(So wanting to see you and Nick happily living together in Blighty!)
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Watching movies like 'Milk' and reading books like 'Street Zen' show me the limited life I've lead and really makes me feel motivated to make a change or two in my life... but have no idea where or how to go from where I'm at.
oh well... dangy~!
Somehow I think that Issan Dorsey would have a thing or two to say about that. The important thing to remember is that Harvey Milk was a closeted businessman for the first half of his life - and that Issan Dorsey had to go through his own hell to reach the bliss that he eventually did. You have a leg up on all of this Rob. And you have a large group of friends who love and support your decisions. Aside from that I guess it's that old 'one day at a time' and 'one foot in front of the other' notion.
You know what the problem has been and know the direction you're headed in. That's a lot further than most people get - a very good start.
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First step is to get your ass to Ardleigh - the rest will follow naturally!!!
Sal :-*
Hear, hear!! ;D We'll get you speaking the queen's bloody english, Rob if it kills us!
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Yes--the Earl of Puyallup. I like that.
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Then my Earl must be the Earl of Duke.
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Yes Rob. The natives are very friendly! :-* :-* :-*
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show me the limited life I've lead and really makes me feel motivated to make a change or two in my life... but have no idea where or how to go from where I'm at.
oh well... dangy~!
First step is to get your ass to Ardleigh - the rest will follow naturally!!!
what she said... x1000
let go of the rhinestones, they keep you from grasping the REAL diamonds.
please, before its too late. :-*
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Jack, that rhinestones/diamonds line is excellent! I'm going to have to remember that one.
Rob, I know I'm not one to talk and I don't know how old you are (pretty damn young judging from your avatar) but don't do what I did--don't go through life without someone. Sounds like you guys have a good thing going. How great for you both!
I know how hard change is and I cannot imagine leaving my home but who knows? Maybe one day. I will always hope that whatever you want, you find the courage and determination to do it. You're in my prayers, brother.
Mark
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Jack, that rhinestones/diamonds line is excellent! I'm going to have to remember that one.
Rob, I know I'm not one to talk and I don't know how old you are (pretty damn young judging from your avatar) but don't do what I did--don't go through life without someone. Sounds like you guys have a good thing going. How great for you both!
I know how hard change is and I cannot imagine leaving my home but who knows? Maybe one day. I will always hope that whatever you want, you find the courage and determination to do it. You're in my prayers, brother.
Mark
I've always felt, Mark, that if I can do it at age 55, anyone can do it. One really can!
Nick made a very good point to me when I was feeling very overwhelmed and wasn't making any progress. He told me to quit looking at the BIG picture and just start accomplishing the SMALL things, one thing at a time. Once I started doing that, everything fell into place. I changed my life and made my move. All because of the advice of a beloved friend, who is always able to make me see things in a different way, thus allowing me to grow. Just one of the many gifts from knowing the people here.
As Michael said, one foot in front of the other, small steps. It may take a little longer, but in the end, the journey is completed. Or I should say, my journey continues. None of us is alone here, as long as we call each other friends.
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As Michael said, one foot in front of the other, small steps. It may take a little longer, but in the end, the journey is completed. Or I should say, my journey continues. None of us is alone here, as long as we call each other friends.
Just an aside to you Linda (and Rob, Mia, Chuck, Debbie and Jess) to thank you for your responses to my earlier post - it's something I'm quite serious about and I really appreciate your acknowledgment. As you in particular know, I've been thinking about that post for months - how to say that there are some of us who looked at 'Brokeback' and see a bullet dodged long ago. It took a long time to put it into words and I struggled over how to say it. I just felt it was important to point out that in a story with so much sadness and regret there is a positive and uplifting message which can be taken from it. Thanks again.
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As Michael said, one foot in front of the other, small steps.
i feel a real burning need to amend this to add SOMETIMES small steps can't get you from here to there, you just have to jump... and trust that that which watches over all things is not off duty.
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As Michael said, one foot in front of the other, small steps.
i feel a real burning need to amend this to add SOMETIMES small steps can't get you from here to there, you just have to jump... and trust that that which watches over all things is not off duty.
I have only done this one step at a time, Jack - but I do know of at least one case where a person made it in a leap as well. I think the important thing is to maintain the momentum and focus on the direction you want to go in - whether you do it in small steps or all at once.
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Small steps or big leaps you can't go wrong if there is someone who really loves you to catch you when you land.
Spoken from the heart.
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Watching movies like 'Milk' and reading books like 'Street Zen' show me the limited life I've lead and really makes me feel motivated to make a change or two in my life... but have no idea where or how to go from where I'm at.
oh well... dangy~!
rob,sweetie you gotta take the most out of life while you get the change, it can change by the day and you will regret it forever!!
when love finds you, don`t hesitate,before its too late!
you go for it one step at a time and you`ll get there!
love you sweetie :-*
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Rob honey, the journey of a 1000 miles starts with the first step. Simply put one foot in front of the other - you already know your destination ;)
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I have only done this one step at a time, Jack - but I do know of at least one case where a person made it in a leap as well. I think the important thing is to maintain the momentum and focus on the direction you want to go in - whether you do it in small steps or all at once.
Amen!
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Just a thought....
A Birth Certificate shows that we were born
A Death Certificate shows that we died
Pictures show that we lived!
Have a seat . . . Relax . . . And read this slowly.
I Believe...
That just because two people argue,
It doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
It doesn't mean they do love each other.
I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if
We understand that friends change.
I Believe....
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.
I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant
That will give you heartache for life..
I Believe...
That it's taking me a long time
To become the person I want to be.
I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with
Loving words. It may be the last time you see them..
I Believe...
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I Believe...
That we are responsible for what
We do, no matter how we feel.
I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I Believe...
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I Believe...
That my best friend and I, can do anything, or nothing and have the best time.
I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you When you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,
But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I Believe...
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had
And what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I Believe...
That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I Believe...
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
But, we are responsible for who we become.
I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find
Out a secret. It could change your life Forever.
I Believe...
Two people can look at the exact same
Thing and see something totally different.
I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of
Hours by people who don't even know you.
I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give, when
A friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.
I Believe...
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I Believe...
That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
I Believe...
That you should send this to all of the people that you believe in, I just did.
'The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
They just make the most of everything.
Thank you God for all the wonderful people who help us throughout the journey of life...
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Oh Nellie....
So much truth and wisdom......and so hard to live according to it.... :-\
:-* :-*
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...
Thank you God for all the wonderful people who help us throughout the journey of life...[/size]
And thank you for Nellie!!!!!!!!
I feel so blessed to have met her......
And all the other forum friends that are close to me....
I love you all!!!!!!
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I first ran into this site about a year ago but this is my first message.
I had the good fortune to have read the book before the movie came out. Having spent all of my emotions on the book, the movie didn't hit me as hard as it did some of my friends. Going to the late showing let me see the tears of those exiting the early one. That's not to say that the story and the movie didn't hit me hard. It did. A good solid nights sleep was hard for me to find at that time and every time I woke up "Brokeback" was right there. And that went on for neaarly six months. I thought that I was alone until I read "Beyond Brokeback" and found that I wasn't.
In many ways I'm like Ennis being brought up in a homophibic rural setting some ten years before the time of the story. Add to that a good dose of Roman Catholicism. Like Ennis, it took me till my early 40's to really admit that I was gay. It wasn't until 18 months ago that I began to come out to my family. That's where the movie came in. I was visiting a 92 year old sister and had taken the DVD with me intending to play it if the opportunity came up. One evening we stayed home and I started to play the movie. She looked at the movie and then at a magazine--back to the movie--back to the magazine--back to the movie.... At the end of the movie she looked at me and said "I never thought I would see a movie like that. I'm glad they made it". She spent 4 years in the navy in WW II as a nurse and had seen a lot--possibly some gay corpsmen. Before that, if asked, she would have said that she thought that I might be gay. Now, without a word said, she knew it.
My older brother, when told, simply sat bolt upright in his chair saying "WHAT ???!!!". I certainly was not the limp-wristed lisper that many straights think we are. Talking the next day he simply said "I guess your life hasn't been as easy as we thought." He's cool with it.
This story has helped me to come out to anybody who asks. And Annie, there are a whole lot of us who are really glad you wrote this story.
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Thank you falconicia :)
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Thank you so much for coming out of lurking and sharing your story here, falconicia.
I know that it helps everyone.
Thanks for coming here and sharing it with all of us.
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Thanks falconisia for your words and welcome to the world of posting. ;D
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I first ran into this site about a year ago but this is my first message.
<snip>
Reading such stories as your own is touching and also a great relief ... I'm so glad you decided to live your life as you are, true to yourself....no matter how late in your life it seems....because it's NEVER too late.
My heart rejoices in knowing that another person has come out ....good for you and God bless
I'm glad you came here,glad you found us, your "new" family and shared your story with us...it makes me smile ;D...hope to hear more from you....
your friend,
Nellie
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Have a seat . . . Relax . . . And read this slowly.
...
Thank you God for all the wonderful people who help us throughout the journey of life..
((((Nellie))))
Thanks for those words of wisdom, so true but things we sometimes don't think about.
And falconicia, welcome. I hope you will find places here where you will enjoy posting, and that you will make many forum friends here.
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Welcome to the forum falconicia (or at least to start posting), and thank you so much for sharing your story here.
I hope you will feel at home here, and post some more.
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Falconicia, welcome back to the Forum! I read in one of your previous posts that you are up in years, but that you speak to a former partner frequently. I hope that you still do. And as many of us continue to age, you might find that meeting a new partner is certainly not beyond the realm of possibility. And when and where you might least expect it.
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I bloody well hope so, Fritzy baby!! ;) :-*
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:-* :-* :-* :-*
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Chuck and I were in our mid to late 50s before we met.
And falconia, like you, neither of us was 'out' before BBM.
John
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And look at y'all now! :-* :-* :-* :-*
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:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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God bless all you guys...you give me hope! Thanks!! :-*
Mark
"Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream!"
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I just got an email from a longtime friend, 51, whom I visited when I was in New York this summer. He had been trying to meet someone, anyone decent who shared his interests and told me horror stories of the men he'd met over the internet. Well yay! he finally met a good guy online and has been seeing him since October. So take heart!
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I just got an email from a longtime friend, 51, whom I visited when I was in New York this summer. He had been trying to meet someone, anyone decent who shared his interests and told me horror stories of the men he'd met over the internet. Well yay! he finally met a good guy online and has been seeing him since October. So take heart!
Makes me smile....good to hear! :D
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Chuck and I were in our mid to late 50s before we met.
And falconia, like you, neither of us was 'out' before BBM.
I didn't know this......((((Chuck))))) (((((John))))))
And Falconicia you are very welcome :)
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Hello everyone. I’ve been lurking here for a while but decided it was time to post my story of how this great movie has affected me. Hope it brightens someone’s day.
I’m a London girl, early forties, married, two kids, middle class, middle aged, middle brow, middle of the road ……Sounds dull? It is. And you know what I’ve got out of this film. …It’s SWEET. I have it and I have to appreciate it. The sweet life – boring, every day domesticity; the luxury of falling in love at 19, and being able to marry and build a life with that boy without fear or shame or censure. It’s given me a big old kick up the derriere and I’ve fallen back in love with him all over again.
We watched this film together a few weeks ago in the worst way. We were interrupted at least twice by the kids, the screen was too dark, we’d recorded it from TV so it was broken up by ads and I spent at least the first 20 minutes saying “what did he say”, my English ear taking a while to acclimatise. And we were still blown away. Yes, my husband, a straight man with no qualms about watching this film and an intense reaction to a great love story – does the term “secure in his own sexuality” mean anything to you? It may help that his little brother is gay and we have been his refuge in the face of not unkind but uncomprehending parents. No actual tears were shed (we are English you know); a stiff upper lip was maintained at all times. It was kind of a slow burn. Went to bed dumbstruck, woke up with butterflies and a vague feeling that something momentous had happened. I couldn’t get it out of my head. I emailed my husband to say, “I think I’m in love with this film”. Found you guys and have been obsessing and trying not to obsess ever since. I have asked for the DVD and the book for my birthday, which is Sunday – Hurrah!
I feel like my darling boy has been hanging around waiting for me for the last 15 years or so. Like I said, met and fell in love at 19 – you know, sitting up all night putting the world to rights, spending all day in bed etc. And we grew up and got jobs and a mortgage and somehow managed not to grow too far apart. Then we were struck by the misery bomb that is infertility (that used up 7 years or so) followed by two babies in very quick succession. Lack of sleep, lack of sex, lack of anything resembling fun. Now, don’t get me wrong, we adore our children; the stiff upper lip trembled a bit when they were born I can tell you. But, my God, they do nothing for your relationship. Having kids really is a love affair and sometimes there isn’t room for anything else. I have been a shrew, a nag and a ball-breaker – just horrible to live with. Well I have my own little boy now; time to get altogether more positive about men in general.
My sweetheart once remarked sadly “you get everything you need from the children”. Well not anymore:
A few days after watching Brokeback I took a really good look at him and thought – you’re still here! Nothing flashy, nothing dramatic, just here, taking care of us, loving all of us, decent, honourable, and with the patience of a saint. Reader, I jumped on him… and here I must draw a discreet veil. Suffice to say that we have had more “ahem” intimacy in the past two weeks than in the past year (ring any bells). Poor baby doesn’t know what’s hit him but he’s not complaining.
Part of the reason I wrote this was to have a permanent record so I can check back on myself if I feel it all slipping away, so, apologies if I have rambled. I probably won’t be around much as really must try not to obsess anymore. But I may chip in from time to time. Let me know if you think I should post this somewhere else - not sure where I belong! What I really love about this film is it takes you so expertly through all the emotions Jack and Ennis feel and forces you to feel it with them. It made me ache to my bones for a happy ending and it made me realise that I got mine. Time to go and start living it.
Lots of Love. Be Happy. XXX
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Thank you ((((((((( Billys Girl ))))))))) for sharing your lust for life.
What a wonderful film Brokeback Mountain is, that could give all of this to you!
Congratulations!
And welcome to the forum!
Love back to you
Mia from Sweden
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Billy's girl,
You are in exactly the right place to post this and what a wonderfully refreshing read it was too. Sounds like you both deserve one another and what a privilege to have such a husband with whom you can experience the profound joys and sadness of this amazing story.There are many out there for whom such a shared experience of BBM is, was and probably never will be possible.
I suspect you will receive many, many reactions to this post so don't disappear too quickly. Folks will want to share this with you I bet!
I'm a Brit too and live on the Isle of Wight. On the 7th March a handful of us are getting together for the day/weekend and will be sharing our love and obsession with this movie/story as only true Brokies can. I'm sure it is not possible for you to join us n all but please consider any future gatherings if you think it might be of any benefit to you. As a lurker, you probably have seen how far reaching and diverse this community is but if you feel like dipping your toes at any time please do so. We love to see and read about new converts to the profound and wonderful story that is Brokeback Mountain.
All the best to you and yours in this time of change and re evaluation. Go fer it girl! ;D
Andy.
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Billy's Girl, welcome to the forum!
thanks for the sweet story! I hope to read more of your posts soon!
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Our anniversary prompted me to replay Shawn Kirchner’s CD “Meet Me On The Mountain”. It is a magnificent tribute to Brokeback Mountain expressed with exquisite sensitivity.
You can hear it without charge, or buy it if you like, at http://www.shawnkirchner.com/
If you haven’t heard it go there and listen. If you have heard it listen again. It reveals more of itself each time you listen.
JT/EDM
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Thanks JT for the rec. I just listened to some of the tracks and instantly knew this to be my cuppa tea and not a bloody drum in sight, terrific! All I gotta do is find a way to get it in my cd player some time soon. :)
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Delighted you like it Andy. It is a beautiful piece of work that I wish more people could hear.
JT/EDM
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Thanks for your thoughts Andy and your lovely welcome. We'll see how able I am to stop obsessing if I get my birthday present (there'll be trouble if I don't). Why do I want to put myself through this particular emotional wringer I wonder? At the moment I'm enjoying the whole anonymity of the internet thing. I'm not sure I could be quite so honest if I was out of my own self imposed closet. I mean, we wouldn't want to startle the horses would we. I hope you guys have lots of fun though. Raise a glass to this newbie if you like. ;)
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I certainly will raise a glass to you Billy's Girl. I loved your posting and found it very touching, I am a friend of Andy's and I will be visiting him on the Isle of Wight on the 7th. It is nice to know I am not the only person who has a husband who was sure enough of his sexuality to take me to see the film, and to admit to being very moved by it.
I hope that when you receive the film and the book, that it will just increase your love of this wonderful story.
Don't forget the soundtrack too, and the audio book, there is enough to keep you in birthday presents for a good while yet.
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Welcome to the forum Billy's Girl, and thanks for sharing your story.
It's wonderful to read about all the different reactions to this truly magic story and movie.
As Andy says, do stay around, and don't hesitate to post some more!
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Welcome to the forum Billys Girl.
You're not obsessed, you're passionate.
After you've watched the dvd a few times, I would recommend reading the original short story, and then watching the movie again.
And keep an eye out for screenings in theaters. The UK has had 3 this month that I know of. In fact there was one today at the Merton Civic Centre, Morden.
http://www.merton.gov.uk/community/communityandfaithorgs/lgbt/lgbt_history_month.htm (http://www.merton.gov.uk/community/communityandfaithorgs/lgbt/lgbt_history_month.htm)
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Thanks for that BayCityJohn. I know already that I'm really going to regret not having seen Brokeback on "The Big Screen". I was up to my eyes in nappies and other unmentionable things at the time and the outside world kinda passed me by - I have a lot of catching up to do. Do you think a straight girl might have to go in disguise to a LGBT history month event? I might get thrown out on my ear. Just kidding.
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Thanks for that BayCityJohn. I know already that I'm really going to regret not having seen Brokeback on "The Big Screen". I was up to my eyes in nappies and other unmentionable things at the time and the outside world kinda passed me by - I have a lot of catching up to do. Do you think a straight girl might have to go in disguise to a LGBT history month event? I might get thrown out on my ear. Just kidding.
No disguise needed.
If you ever make it to one of our events, you'll find out that half or more of the active members are straight girls :D
And I think you will get the chance to see Brokeback in the cinema someday. It's a classic movie.
I have a feeling there may be some screenings in December this year for the 'every 4 f**kin' years' anniversary.
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That's something I hadn't considered John. Sounds like a perfect opportunity for a gathering. ;D
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By the way, BG, you need to make a couple more posts before you can reply to or post any pms, ok? ;D
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That's something I hadn't considered John. Sounds like a perfect opportunity for a gathering. ;D
I've been thinking about it for 3 years ;D
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Thanks for that BayCityJohn. I know already that I'm really going to regret not having seen Brokeback on "The Big Screen". I was up to my eyes in nappies and other unmentionable things at the time and the outside world kinda passed me by - I have a lot of catching up to do. Do you think a straight girl might have to go in disguise to a LGBT history month event? I might get thrown out on my ear. Just kidding.
You see Billys Girl, us straight ladies and our gay men friends here are all very fond of each other, we would all turn up to a LGBT film showing together, and feel no need of disguises on either side.
It is one of the wonderful outcomes this film has had upon us.
I suppose we are all Brokies first!
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Well this is just too much fun and I have to go to bed. But now I feel really stupid because Andy has called me on something and i don't even know what a pms is. Someone just tell me and I'll say night night.
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I attended a showing of the movie a couple of years back in London, arranged by another forum and although I'd never met them before, we instantly fell in as just a bunch of Brokies. One of the wonderful things that this 'thing' has brought about.
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Well this is just too much fun and I have to go to bed. But now I feel really stupid because Andy has called me on something and i don't even know what a pms is. Someone just tell me and I'll say night night.
It's a personal message that you can send to anyone on the forum by clicking the little square emblem on the left of the screen below your avatar/pic. Sounds like we got us a virgin folks, let's be gentle shall we, no FNITs please! ;D >:D
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Well, "when this "thing" grabs hold of us," Andy! :D :D
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To avoid difficulty, please note that one must have at least 5 posts before being able to send a PM. So one more, BillysGirl!
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Oh Good Grief. Slaps palm to forehead. I am so dumb. Yes, gentle would probably be the best idea.
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(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi275.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fjj282%2FSanFranciscoJohn%2Falfred_hitchcock.jpg&hash=b59d6c0230f4db72a173ec35579cbb6a20236d21)
And now, a word from our sponsor before we get back on topic
This is a good thread to read. The original "How Brokeback Affected Me" thread from 2005
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0)
If new members have questions, try "New Members Ask - Experienced Members Respond "
http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=4687.0 (http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=4687.0)
We also have a site map here:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8878.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8878.0)
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Oh don't batter the poor girl with lots of DCF/BBM acronyms. :D
do we have an acronym directory here? LOL!
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That's something I hadn't considered John. Sounds like a perfect opportunity for a gathering. ;D
All opportunities are perfect for gatherings Andy.... ;) :D
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That's something I hadn't considered John. Sounds like a perfect opportunity for a gathering. ;D
I've been thinking about it for 3 years ;D
Now, there's a man who plans ahead!! ;D :D
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Oh don't batter the poor girl with lots of DCF/BBM acronyms. :D
do we have an acronym directory here? LOL!
What new members need is a Forumish-English dictionary...... ;D :D ::)
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When the movie came out, i did not want to see it. Yet another gay movie, i thought. But last Sunday, it was on TV. Didn't catch the whole movie, but the most part. Including the last half an hour. Since than I can’t get it out of my head. Last week I googled a lot about Brokeback Mountain, downloaded it. And been crying a lot. Thinking on how my life was an is. Actually, I am happy for not leading the lives Jack and Ennis had. For having a partner who loves me. Knowing, we are committed to be together for the rest of our lives. No need of pretending.
On the other hand, I was Ennis. And Jack. Up to age of 29. The fear, everything they think and do, relates me to Ennis and Jack. Probably that is why I have been crying and tormenting myself for past weekend. I can’t accept the tragic of the story. Would love to see a different ending. But, it is as it is. I’ve learned, to appreciate what I have. To be able being a gay, having found the love.
I admit, this Brokeback Mountain it is turning into obsession. I was supposed to do some work this weekend. Instead, I am emotionally drained. Didn’t cry that much in my whole life. Art as the catharsis – wow, how it has done that to me.
I admit, I haven’t read all the posts in the forum, which I discovered yesterday. Would be interested, if others have had same experience. As far I read the posts, you did.
Matt
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Welcome Matt to the forum and to the world of Brokeback Mountain. Like yourself, folks are still coming to our beloved movie for the first time and they too have a story to tell. Thanks for sharing yours with us and as you get to know this place a little better, you won't believe what others have had to say. Please feel free to ask anyone who you think may be of help to you. I expect a moderator will point you in a few directions but in the meantime, the best thing is to read and read. You don't have to go back to the beginning to find the wealth of input that has made this place so very special.
All the best to you and yours,
Andy. :)
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Welcome here, Matt!
And thank you so much for talking about your reactions to the film. Thank you for coming here, for sharing your thoughts.
For some reason, I haven't figured out why yet, meeting new Brokies here gives me hope and faith and happy thoughts....
I still identify very much with both Jack and Ennis.
Hope to meet you again in threads!
Mia
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Welcome to the forum, Matt! Good to see you!
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Thanks for warm welcome.
I must admit, after the poste, and talking to some friends, i am better. Thou still thinking about the movie, it doesnot make me cry. I think, the idea behind the novel (and the movie) is not, to make people sad. It is to make them think. And change, if they feel so. Change in positive direction, to get fuller life. That is what i intend to do.
Funny, my partner doesnot share my enthusiasm about the movie. And in some points, he is right. The way he handled him being gay, was different as mine. he didnot go through situations, problems i went through. thanks buda :) so i understand him.
thanks again to all.
Matt
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Welcome, Matt! I think you'll find that many of us here in the Forum have partners who are not nearly as obsessed by the movie as we are. They are understanding and accepting of the fact, and occasionally attend get-togethers with us, but simply have not been bowled over by the movie as we have been. That's just the way things are.
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OK. Ya got me. I'm hooked, may as well just reel me in - at least someone will be doing some bloody fishing! Well I got my birthday presents as predicted. Haven't watched the film yet; I am just sooo good at deferring gratification. Also, just ran out of time and I really want to do it justice this time - maybe next weekend. But I did read the story. I was a little bit precious about it. I even made poor hubby leave the room because he coughed, once! So then I was just a big old blubbery emotional wreck and on my birthday too. Masochism, deferring pleasure - do you detect a theme here people?
Hubby laughed at me, not for crying, but for being embarrassed about crying. He said "go talk to your fellow obsessives, it'll make you feel better". My little girl was just baffled because Mummy's story doesn't have a happy ending. I think I may have led her to believe that all stories have happy endings - ahh loss of innocence. I was not really up to explaining to a small child that there is a measure of redemption if not happiness and that would have to be enough. I am really looking forward to her being big enough to debate that with me. And my little boy just wanted to watch the cowboy movie - a few more years I think.
But, something interesting, (to me anyway). Isn't it funny how we all use this movie to project our fears about ourselves? Hubby came up with an angle that hadn't even occurred to me. He sees in Ennis a man so hamstrung by his work ethic and by defining himself by his working life instead of his relationships that he wastes years and destroys the lives of everyone around him in the process. I said "no darling that's just you". ::) But he may have a point.
Happy Monday :-*
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But, something interesting, (to me anyway). Isn't it funny how we all use this movie to project our fears about ourselves? Hubby came up with an angle that hadn't even occurred to me. He sees in Ennis a man so hamstrung by his work ethic and by defining himself by his working life instead of his relationships that he wastes years and destroys the lives of everyone around him in the process. I said "no darling that's just you". ::) But he may have a point.
No it's not just him. I've done the same thing.
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Here's a quote from a few years ago that you might want to read
Brokeback Mountain has done something very seldom a movie can, It has provided us all a frame of reference to reflect our pain, sorrow, joy, love, hopes and aspirations. It gave us all a mirror to look at ourselves. It gave us a story that we could emotionally attach and this forum provided a place where to share our feelings.
Brokeback provided us with language of loss that we all could understand. Brokeback hit us directly in the heart and ripped our protective layers to shreds. It left us vulnerable and raw but also alive. Brokeback cannot provide meaning and purpose to our lives but it has exposed the need, shown to us that we may have lost our direction and we need to reclaim it.
And if you'd rather just listen, it's available on Youtube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfyMsGz6WLU (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfyMsGz6WLU)
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Thanks John. Yes that's really the nub of it. Listened to it on Youtube. Just lovely. I may send it to my boy (big one not little one). Not sure what his colleagues will make of it. LOL
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Here's a few suggestions for new members to explore
Brokeback Mountain has inspired others to create new works of literature, music, and art. I can't think of any other movie that has done this to this extent.
First, there's our own book, "Beyond Brokeback: The Impact of a Film"
Selected from among the most compelling writing on The Ultimate Brokeback Forum, the stories in Beyond Brokeback: The Impact of a Film convey the remarkable power of the film Brokeback Mountain to affect the lives of all sorts of people—straight and gay, old and young, male and female—on six continents. Ranging from the amusing to the emotionally devastating, the pieces collected in Beyond Brokeback crystallize the deep, frequently life-changing reactions of its often-unsuspecting viewers.
http://astore.amazon.com/davecullencom-20/detail/1595941223/105-3394248-0788439 (http://astore.amazon.com/davecullencom-20/detail/1595941223/105-3394248-0788439)
Eric Patterson has written a very good book, "On Brokeback Mountain: Meditations about Masculinity, Fear, and Love in the Story and the Film"
On Brokeback Mountain provides accessible, close, and comparative readings of the story and the film, discussing them in relation to the social history of sexual minority men in America. By analyzing the literary and artistic traditions of the homoerotic pastoral, the popular tradition of the Western, and the tradition of the tragic romantic love story, the book explores the American cultural construction of masculinity, friendship, and sexual relationships between men, and the sources and effects of homophobia
http://astore.amazon.com/davecullencom-20/detail/0739121650 (http://astore.amazon.com/davecullencom-20/detail/0739121650)
Shawn Kirchner has a beautiful CD entitled "Meet Me on the Mountain"
Says songwriter Shawn Kirchner: "'Brokeback Mountain' made a huge impact on me, both personally and artistically. I've heard many people say they felt similarly to me: for days afterward I couldn't shake the feeling the film left me with. I felt like I wanted to respond, but out of respect, I didn't want to touch it -- since the film was such a complete expression in itself. After some attempts at writing lyrics to the soundtrack's beautiful theme, a wise friend said 'You know, you're going to have to write your own music.' Once I got started, the songs just kept coming...."
http://astore.amazon.com/davecullencom-20/detail/B00169SYJ8 (http://astore.amazon.com/davecullencom-20/detail/B00169SYJ8)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t5xS0jWaLl8&feature=related (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t5xS0jWaLl8&feature=related)
Loretta, one of our members, wrote a poem a few years ago, and it has been set to mucic by Steve Robinson
Jack, I Swear
Copyright 2007 Steve Robinson and Loretta Mimmo
Music by Steve Robinson, Lyrics by Loretta Mimmo
Jack, I Swear
The subtle trace of breeze upon my face,
The sound of crackling embers as they fade,
The biting cold that rips my weakened heart,
The words catch in my throat, too long delayed.
I feel the breath of whispered words so near,
They comfort through the thin cold mountain air.
That time of fear and longing intertwined
Just for one sweet moment more - I swear.
When day is done I lie upon my bed,
Each lonely night, the same repeated prayer
To meet you once again in twilight sleep.
For just one single dream of you I swear
To say Id give my life is not enough,
This weathered weary hearts not worth a dime.
The tragic truth will haunt me all my days,
Ill bear the cross of blame thats surely mine.
And as I slowly wake to morning rain,
I taste the tears still wet upon my face.
So desperate to reclaim my restless sleep,
Unwilling to release your sweet embrace.
But yes, the cold gray morning always finds me,
It knows not of my dreams and doesnt care,
And so I rise to face the life Ive chosen.
But oh, things would be different, Jack, I swear.
The world would be so different, I swear.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBlK4apIuKg (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBlK4apIuKg)
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OK. Ya got me. I'm hooked, may as well just reel me in - at least someone will be doing some bloody fishing! Well I got my birthday presents as predicted. Haven't watched the film yet; I am just sooo good at deferring gratification. Also, just ran out of time and I really want to do it justice this time - maybe next weekend. But I did read the story. I was a little bit precious about it. I even made poor hubby leave the room because he coughed, once! So then I was just a big old blubbery emotional wreck and on my birthday too. Masochism, deferring pleasure - do you detect a theme here people?
Hubby laughed at me, not for crying, but for being embarrassed about crying. He said "go talk to your fellow obsessives, it'll make you feel better". My little girl was just baffled because Mummy's story doesn't have a happy ending. I think I may have led her to believe that all stories have happy endings - ahh loss of innocence. I was not really up to explaining to a small child that there is a measure of redemption if not happiness and that would have to be enough. I am really looking forward to her being big enough to debate that with me. And my little boy just wanted to watch the cowboy movie - a few more years I think.
But, something interesting, (to me anyway). Isn't it funny how we all use this movie to project our fears about ourselves? Hubby came up with an angle that hadn't even occurred to me. He sees in Ennis a man so hamstrung by his work ethic and by defining himself by his working life instead of his relationships that he wastes years and destroys the lives of everyone around him in the process. I said "no darling that's just you". ::) But he may have a point.
Happy Monday :-*
Hello, Billy's Girl and welcome. Glad you had a good birthday and got the right presents. I just wanted to say how impressed I was by your first post - I've thought a lot about what you said: knowing that you have the sweet life and needing to appreciate it. I know a lot of that applies to me too. I still don't know why the film, and then the SS, hit me the way they did, and continue to do so after 8 months, though some of the symptoms have now subsided. Perhaps I never will. But apart from spending far too much time on the computer, I think the results have only been beneficial.
'Using it to project fears'? I'll have to think about that.
My husband was at first amused and tolerant, and then slightly bemused and uneasy that I was taking it so far, particularly about the get-together in the Isle of Wight. But he's back to tolerant again now (I hope), though occasionally rather bored with it all :D.
By the way, I've got a spare copy of the soundtrack, and also of the dvd (Region 2). Due to an order mix-up I got them almost free (quite legally). If you, or anyone else, would like either I'll happily post them, free to good Brokie homes.
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you see, cally, that is such a brokeback thing to do ! :D
you might want to look into your local library systems and see if they would like a donated copy. we do that too, especially in rural or homophobic areas.
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WTF! It has been over three y ears now since I joined here and just this morning for some reason my company's cpu system suddenly allowed me to see YouTube videos...so I went to some Brokeback Mountain musical selections and before I knew it I had downloaded about 15 of them! Watching and hearing them again brought back the whole goddamned mess and had me in tears! Our minds can do such wonderful and strange things. I had slipped back into that sphere I was using when I was closeted my whole life and living in a marriage for 43 years and 2 months! It is still SO painful to let it hang out there and see it for what it is...whoa!
I'm getting anxious for the Broke Reunion Spring Fling! here in Phoenix next month so that I can enjoy the company of people who have known me through thick and thin on the Forum...and everything inbetween.
Glad to see Newbies here...it brings it all back again and it is something that I NEVER want to forget...because it changed my life forever in a positive way.
Bobby
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Here's a quote from a few years ago that you might want to read
Brokeback Mountain has done something very seldom a movie can, It has provided us all a frame of reference to reflect our pain, sorrow, joy, love, hopes and aspirations. It gave us all a mirror to look at ourselves. It gave us a story that we could emotionally attach and this forum provided a place where to share our feelings.
Brokeback provided us with language of loss that we all could understand. Brokeback hit us directly in the heart and ripped our protective layers to shreds. It left us vulnerable and raw but also alive. Brokeback cannot provide meaning and purpose to our lives but it has exposed the need, shown to us that we may have lost our direction and we need to reclaim it.
And if you'd rather just listen, it's available on Youtube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfyMsGz6WLU (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfyMsGz6WLU)
John, I've listened to this a few times since you first recommended it, and again today. It always has the most strange effect on me - as soon as I hear the first words, almost without listening to them, my eyes fill with tears and I feel as if it's touching something very deep within me. Towards the end I cry for all the lost lives and loves; that part is easy to understand. But at the beginning I'm crying for myself, and I really don't understand that, just as I don't understand the effect Brokeback had on me. But there is something cathartic within Jari's words - perhaps one day I'll know why.
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you see, cally, that is such a brokeback thing to do ! :D
you might want to look into your local library systems and see if they would like a donated copy. we do that too, especially in rural or homophobic areas.
That's a good idea, Jack, if no-one else wants them. I certainly live in a rural area :D - I don't think all that homophobic.
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I know what you mean.
It's like hearing the first 2 notes on the guitar from the soundtrack.
I remember the first time I played the Youtube video on the big screen at the Oscar Night event. Only a few of us knew we were going to play it.
(btw this is only a part of the video that was made for the event.) http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6425789959445364033 (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6425789959445364033)
It took a few minutes for everyone to recover enough to be able to watch the movie, and luckily the theater decided to play a trailer for an old Monty Python movie just before Brokeback started.
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Hi Cally. You know it's was a really big deal for me to put all that very personal stuff out there. In fact having done it I had a bit of a panic and a lot of thoughts about not wanting to be part of any club that wanted me for a member. But, hey ho, I'm back anyway so it's nice to know that what I said resonates with people. As for the "projecting our fears" thing, I think i just expressed that badly. What John quoted about giving us a frame of reference/holding up a mirror says what I really wanted to say. I hope you all have a good time at the weekend. I think I'm a long way off showing my face, but you never know.
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Hi Cally. You know it's was a really big deal for me to put all that very personal stuff out there. In fact having done it I had a bit of a panic and a lot of thoughts about not wanting to be part of any club that wanted me for a member. But, hey ho, I'm back anyway so it's nice to know that what I said resonates with people. As for the "projecting our fears" thing, I think i just expressed that badly. What John quoted about giving us a frame of reference/holding up a mirror says what I really wanted to say. I hope you all have a good time at the weekend. I think I'm a long way off showing my face, but you never know.
Oh, I've panicked about a lot of things I've posted, but I've toughened up a bit now :D.
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BG & C, I reckon you could both do with some Brokie real time. It's the best way to personalise and put into perspective so much of what goes on here. The coming w/e here will be Sara's first outing and we're all excited to meet her. How long before yours, BG? ;D Btw, a Brokie quorum is only 2! ;)
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OK. Ya got me. I'm hooked, may as well just reel me in - at least someone will be doing some bloody fishing! Well I got my birthday presents as predicted. Haven't watched the film yet; I am just sooo good at deferring gratification. Also, just ran out of time and I really want to do it justice this time - maybe next weekend. But I did read the story. I was a little bit precious about it. I even made poor hubby leave the room because he coughed, once! So then I was just a big old blubbery emotional wreck and on my birthday too. Masochism, deferring pleasure - do you detect a theme here people?
But, something interesting, (to me anyway). Isn't it funny how we all use this movie to project our fears about ourselves? Hubby came up with an angle that hadn't even occurred to me. He sees in Ennis a man so hamstrung by his work ethic and by defining himself by his working life instead of his relationships that he wastes years and destroys the lives of everyone around him in the process. I said "no darling that's just you". ::) But he may have a point.
Happy Monday :-*
I totally understand you.
After thinking about it, for me the reason for such impact is, that the story leaves much unsaid. At least for me. Leaves many questions unanswered. Therefore I go on, thinking, what has/would happen. And still cannot get it out of my head.
Have been reading other people stories on this forum. Came only to page 11 of “The Impact on Society & Ourselves”. Lovely.
p.s.: I apologise for grammatical mistakes. English is not my mother language. Since I am from Slovenia. And my name is Matej (in English, it would be Matt). See, no more hiding. Too many years of hiding.
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Billys Girl and Matt
Great to see you both here, I hope you both feel welcomed.
We're a great bunch of folks here, even if I do say it myself!!
Sal ;D
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Hi guys,
I am still lurking form time to time. Not enough time to really participate in the discussions... Good to see that BB forum is still going strong.
I saw some posts ago that Cally offered her extra DVD. I would like to point you at a website where Brokeback can be downloaded, as other gay-themed films. Maybe this is illegal, but the site owners argue that when viewers like a downloaded film, they are likely to purchase the real thing on dvd in a better quality. Tip: watch Shelter, and Just a question of love, and an Unusual affair, and Latter days, and the others!
http://pedemariconschwulgaybakla.blogspot.com/2008/12/shelter-2007.html
Have fun!
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Welcome Matej. You are in the right place here and I hope we hear more from you regardless of how incorrect you believe your English to be. Hell, I'm English and it isn't always so good! ;D ;D
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Hi guys,
I am still lurking form time to time. Not enough time to really participate in the discussions... Good to see that BB forum is still going strong.
I saw some posts ago that Cally offered her extra DVD. I would like to point you at a website where Brokeback can be downloaded, as other gay-themed films. Maybe this is illegal, but the site owners argue that when viewers like a downloaded film, they are likely to purchase the real thing on dvd in a better quality. Tip: watch Shelter, and Just a question of love, and an Unusual affair, and Latter days, and the others!
Have fun!
Hello Art. I think you'll find Cally is familiar with Shelter as she's loaning it to me this w/e. I know the others you list except Unusual affair. I've checked on IMDb and can't work out which one you mean.
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Forgot to include the link:
http://pedemariconschwulgaybakla.blogspot.com/2008/12/shelter-2007.html
Sorry, Art
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I totally understand you.
After thinking about it, for me the reason for such impact is, that the story leaves much unsaid. At least for me. Leaves many questions unanswered. Therefore I go on, thinking, what has/would happen. And still cannot get it out of my head.
Have been reading other people stories on this forum. Came only to page 11 of “The Impact on Society & Ourselves”. Lovely.
p.s.: I apologise for grammatical mistakes. English is not my mother language. Since I am from Slovenia. And my name is Matej (in English, it would be Matt). See, no more hiding. Too many years of hiding.
Hello Matt,
I'm so glad you're not hiding either!!....hope to hear more from you and don't worry about your English ;D
Nellie
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Hello Matej and welcome to the forum!!
I'm glad you found us, and as you have already noticed there are many here who had the same experience as you when we first saw the movie.
For many of us this forum has become like a home where we have found kindred spirits and true friendships. I hope you'll stay around and be part of it with us. This movie is truly amazing, and so many of us have had our llife changed in major ways due to it.
Feel free to browse the different threads and read old and new posts, and post wherever you feel like it. I'm sure you'll find likeminded people here, and friends. It's ok to ask any questions, and don't worry about your English, many of us here are not native English speakers.
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Have been reading other people stories on this forum. Came only to page 11 of “The Impact on Society & Ourselves”. Lovely.
p.s.: I apologise for grammatical mistakes. English is not my mother language. Since I am from Slovenia. And my name is Matej (in English, it would be Matt). See, no more hiding. Too many years of hiding.
This is great Matej, and you are already seeing what so many of us are about here. Welcome and hope to see more of you!!! And your English is just fine! Thanks for finding us and being here.
Oh, and I'm Linda.
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Matej, keep reading and you will see why some of us are still here conversing over three years after seeing the film.
Despite the fact that we must have talked about everything already, at least twice. LOL!
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Went to see a documentary with my brother on Tuesday. There were some beautiful landscape-shots. Very very similar to those in BBM. What can I say? You do not usually get tears in your eyes during the movie about an expedition in the China mountains. I see Brokeback everywhere currently.
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Matt, three years later, I still see Brokeback everywhere. The color of a sunset, the familiar turn of notes in a song, the sadness and happiness of daily life. They still make me laugh and bring a little sadness, but the reminders are always in my heart, and my life.
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((Art)), great to see you back!
;)
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Went to see a documentary with my brother on Tuesday. There were some beautiful landscape-shots. Very very similar to those in BBM. What can I say? You do not usually get tears in your eyes during the movie about an expedition in the China mountains. I see Brokeback everywhere currently.
Your life will NEVER be the same..let me tell you that right now....you'll use phrases from Brokeback...you'll see Brokeback on people with cow boy hats..you'll see signs on the street that say.."Ennis" or God know's what. Every time you see "bean" cans ,you'll think of them. Even the damn sheep will bring you to tears...!! Lord!.......lol
In the end it all comes together...you'll get sad,you'll laugh at times...angry, melancholy....only we all know why...no one else will understand us.."Brokies"....no one
But know in your heart that it's a good thing...it woke us up for a reason...take it and run with it,man!
Nellie
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Matt...75
I need only glance out the window to see My Brokeback; a range of mountains, nothing like Wyoming but respectable mountains nonetheless. Along the crest of the range there is a notch, wide and deep. It's enough to make the analogy more real than not. I hear the opening notes of the film and then Shawn Kirchner's "Meet Me On The Mountain" and I am overcome. I weep for the loss of Ennis and Jack, of Heath and Jake - my loss, your loss, and ours. And that is as it should be for life is tragic.
That reality is both burdensome and beautiful. That's my message from Brokeback. It's easier to bear when recognized than when denied. If you allow it, Brokeback, in time, will speak its own special message to you - different from mine - but comforting and you will be glad that you are alive to hear it. Be not confounded. This and more will come to pass and you will find it good. It's then that I turn to Kirchner's "I'll Be On My Way" and my spirit soars.
Be of good heart. Stay with us Matt. We have all been though it one way or another and we are all glad to have Brokeback, each other, and you.
JT/EDM
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Well JT/EDM once more your thoughtful posting has given us another insight, not only into BBM itself, but also into our own lives. Thank you for that.
... I hear the opening notes of the film and then Shawn Kirchner's "Meet Me On The Mountain" and I am overcome. I weep for the loss of Ennis and Jack, of Heath and Jake - my loss, your loss, and ours. And that is as it should be for life is tragic.
That reality is both burdensome and beautiful. That's my message from Brokeback. It's easier to bear when recognized than when denied. If you allow it, Brokeback, in time, will speak its own special message to you - different from mine - but comforting and you will be glad that you are alive to hear it. Be not confounded. This and more will come to pass and you will find it good. It's then that I turn to Kirchner's "I'll Be On My Way" and my spirit soars.
Be of good heart. Stay with us Matt. We have all been though it one way or another and we are all glad to have Brokeback, each other, and you.
JT/EDM
To all other forum members reading here: Hi! I don't enter the forum very much anymore, but am still very grateful to it, and to certain very special members -- yes Nellie, you know that you are one of those -- who helped me through my own post BBM times; and to the small clutch of them who continue to be very very valued private correspondents, shoulders to cry upon, mentors. Each of whom I have grown to love in different ways. Oh how my life has been enriched by that wonderful film: BBM; by bringing these wonderful men into my life.
A belated wish to you all for a happy year in 2009.
JohnnyX.
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A beautiful and heartfelt post, Johnny. I know how you feel. You should post more often, Friend!
Hope your 2009 is unraveling very nicely.
Mark
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Nice to see you JohnnyX - hope 2009 goes well for you
Sal ;D
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To all other forum members reading here: Hi! I don't enter the forum very much anymore, but am still very grateful to it, and to certain very special members -- yes Nellie, you know that you are one of those -- who helped me through my own post BBM times; and to the small clutch of them who continue to be very very valued private correspondents, shoulders to cry upon, mentors. Each of whom I have grown to love in different ways. Oh how my life has been enriched by that wonderful film: BBM; by bringing these wonderful men into my life.
A belated wish to you all for a happy year in 2009.
JohnnyX.
Oh Johnny...how sweet you are...:-*
I've been thinking about you and all the special things you have said to me....one of the things I'm so thankful here in this Forum,and because of this movie of ours, is getting the chance to know you and share with you.
The thought that if this movie never existed...oh the thought...makes my heart ache. What would our lives be like ?...have you thought of that? what if the short story was never written?....this was all for a reason...it HAS to be. We have saved ourselves from ourselves...our best gift of all...we have ventured where we have never been before. We dared our hearts to feel again.
I've heard so many wonderful stories evolve from this whole experience we had and still have. People meeting each other...people finding their true loves in here...I can't tell you enough how that makes me feel. I had a friend tell me the other day..."How does it feel to know that you had a part in us getting together?"...I can only tell you ,I cried....my heart felt so rich and no one can understand but me I guess....the things I've gotten from this Forum...from this movie...is something I probably wouldn't have gotten in a life time without this movie....it's just amazing
Johnny....I want to see more of you...I miss you and your wonderful thoughts. I know we don't have the time anymore....but when you can...please do.
We all want to hear from you...
((hugs))
Nellie..xo
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But, something interesting, (to me anyway). Isn't it funny how we all use this movie to project our fears about ourselves? Hubby came up with an angle that hadn't even occurred to me. He sees in Ennis a man so hamstrung by his work ethic and by defining himself by his working life instead of his relationships that he wastes years and destroys the lives of everyone around him in the process. I said "no darling that's just you". ::) But he may have a point.
No it's not just him. I've done the same thing.
Or used it as an excuse...
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In the end it all comes together...you'll get sad,you'll laugh at times...angry, melancholy....only we all know why...no one else will understand us.."Brokies"....no one
But know in your heart that it's a good thing...it woke us up for a reason...take it and run with it,man!
Nellie
So true Nellie, so true...
One has to get used to those odd stares from "other" people...
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A beautiful and heartfelt post, Johnny. I know how you feel. You should post more often, Friend!
Hope your 2009 is unraveling very nicely.
Mark
This made me laugh Mark, thanks for that...life should unravel shouldn't it!
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Hello everyone. I’ve been lurking here for a while but decided it was time to post my story of how this great movie has affected me. Hope it brightens someone’s day.
I’m a London girl, early forties, married, two kids, middle class, middle aged, middle brow, middle of the road ……Sounds dull? It is. And you know what I’ve got out of this film. …It’s SWEET. I have it and I have to appreciate it. The sweet life – boring, every day domesticity; the luxury of falling in love at 19, and being able to marry and build a life with that boy without fear or shame or censure. It’s given me a big old kick up the derriere and I’ve fallen back in love with him all over again.
We watched this film together a few weeks ago in the worst way. We were interrupted at least twice by the kids, the screen was too dark, we’d recorded it from TV so it was broken up by ads and I spent at least the first 20 minutes saying “what did he say”, my English ear taking a while to acclimatise. And we were still blown away. Yes, my husband, a straight man with no qualms about watching this film and an intense reaction to a great love story – does the term “secure in his own sexuality” mean anything to you? It may help that his little brother is gay and we have been his refuge in the face of not unkind but uncomprehending parents. No actual tears were shed (we are English you know); a stiff upper lip was maintained at all times. It was kind of a slow burn. Went to bed dumbstruck, woke up with butterflies and a vague feeling that something momentous had happened. I couldn’t get it out of my head. I emailed my husband to say, “I think I’m in love with this film”. Found you guys and have been obsessing and trying not to obsess ever since. I have asked for the DVD and the book for my birthday, which is Sunday – Hurrah!
I feel like my darling boy has been hanging around waiting for me for the last 15 years or so. Like I said, met and fell in love at 19 – you know, sitting up all night putting the world to rights, spending all day in bed etc. And we grew up and got jobs and a mortgage and somehow managed not to grow too far apart. Then we were struck by the misery bomb that is infertility (that used up 7 years or so) followed by two babies in very quick succession. Lack of sleep, lack of sex, lack of anything resembling fun. Now, don’t get me wrong, we adore our children; the stiff upper lip trembled a bit when they were born I can tell you. But, my God, they do nothing for your relationship. Having kids really is a love affair and sometimes there isn’t room for anything else. I have been a shrew, a nag and a ball-breaker – just horrible to live with. Well I have my own little boy now; time to get altogether more positive about men in general.
My sweetheart once remarked sadly “you get everything you need from the children”. Well not anymore:
A few days after watching Brokeback I took a really good look at him and thought – you’re still here! Nothing flashy, nothing dramatic, just here, taking care of us, loving all of us, decent, honourable, and with the patience of a saint. Reader, I jumped on him… and here I must draw a discreet veil. Suffice to say that we have had more “ahem” intimacy in the past two weeks than in the past year (ring any bells). Poor baby doesn’t know what’s hit him but he’s not complaining.
Part of the reason I wrote this was to have a permanent record so I can check back on myself if I feel it all slipping away, so, apologies if I have rambled. I probably won’t be around much as really must try not to obsess anymore. But I may chip in from time to time. Let me know if you think I should post this somewhere else - not sure where I belong! What I really love about this film is it takes you so expertly through all the emotions Jack and Ennis feel and forces you to feel it with them. It made me ache to my bones for a happy ending and it made me realise that I got mine. Time to go and start living it.
Lots of Love. Be Happy. XXX
I am awfully late.
RL is heavy.
But I have to say that I love this post.
Once again, that sensation of being fully understood. The magic repeats itself.
You said it all perfectly. So many things are similar between us, two perfect strangers, confessing some very intimate things just for a movie.
Only, for me it was 3 years ago.
Amazing, isn't it?
A big hug (((((Billys Girl)))))
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Went to see a documentary with my brother on Tuesday. There were some beautiful landscape-shots. Very very similar to those in BBM. What can I say? You do not usually get tears in your eyes during the movie about an expedition in the China mountains. I see Brokeback everywhere currently.
Your life will NEVER be the same..let me tell you that right now....you'll use phrases from Brokeback...you'll see Brokeback on people with cow boy hats..you'll see signs on the street that say.."Ennis" or God know's what. Every time you see "bean" cans ,you'll think of them. Even the damn sheep will bring you to tears...!! Lord!.......lol
In the end it all comes together...you'll get sad,you'll laugh at times...angry, melancholy....only we all know why...no one else will understand us.."Brokies"....no one
But know in your heart that it's a good thing...it woke us up for a reason...take it and run with it,man!
Nellie
- when I realised that one of my work colleagues really did have Ennis for a middle name - which only happened the other day - I looked at him in a whole new light. He's Scottish.
I really did think it was just a place in Ireland that happened to suit Annie's purpose till then.
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- when I realised that one of my work colleagues really did have Ennis for a middle name - which only happened the other day - I looked at him in a whole new light. He's Scottish.
I really did think it was just a place in Ireland that happened to suit Annie's purpose till then.
I can so understand how you looked at your collegue in a new light.... So Ennis is a real name?
I love your new avatar
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Chris )))))))))))))))))))))))
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I think it is one of those surnames that is often used as a christian name, I was thinking of the famous Uilleann pipe player Seamus Ennis.
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I love your new avatar
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Chris )))))))))))))))))))))))
What Mia said!
You are beautiful (((((((((((Chris)))))))))))))))
:-*
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Thanks for the kind comments - actually I saw Andy changed his, and it was a nice sunny day.....
I have worn glasses all my life - and the reason I am smiling is that my daughter has her arm right around me and i'm in the crook of her arm.
She really is beautiful - but we all are :D
I suspect that my colleague has Ennis as a middle name because, as janjo says, it's actually a surname. My mother-in-law was Scottish - makes my daughter 1/4 Scottish - and her middle name was a family surname. I'm not sure this is so common among the English?
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I suspect that my colleague has Ennis as a middle name because, as janjo says, it's actually a surname. My mother-in-law was Scottish - makes my daughter 1/4 Scottish - and her middle name was a family surname. I'm not sure this is so common among the English?
I know it's very common in Scotland to use surnames for middle names. This occurs several times on my family tree.
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It's very common in the north for us to have either family names as middle names or as in my family the childrens middle names are traditionally the maiden names of their paternal grandmothers. Don't ask me why, probably a clan thing.
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It's very common in the north for us to have either family names as middle names or as in my family the childrens middle names are traditionally the maiden names of their paternal grandmothers. Don't ask me why, probably a clan thing.
In my family, it's the maiden names of maternal grandmothers.
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..... Well I have my own little boy now; time to get altogether more positive about men in general.....
My sweetheart once remarked sadly “you get everything you need from the children”. Well not anymore....
[It made me ache to my bones for a happy ending and it made me realise that I got mine. Time to go and start living it.
Once again, that sensation of being fully understood. The magic repeats itself.
You said it all perfectly. So many things are similar between us, two perfect strangers, confessing some very intimate things just for a movie.
This was indeed said perfectly ( I didn't want to carry over the whole quote, but it was all good). I'm not sure how we can hold on to this, except in the way Jack held the Dozy Embrace in his heart.
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It's very common in the north for us to have either family names as middle names or as in my family the childrens middle names are traditionally the maiden names of their paternal grandmothers. Don't ask me why, probably a clan thing.
In my family, it's the maiden names of maternal grandmothers.
I just asked my husband. That's the case in his family too.
When I worked in Dublin, a colleague had Ennis as a surname. Just remembered that.
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A common practice in New Orleans, too. One of my nephews' name is John Keppler Regan.
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I have never ever come across the name Ennis prior to BBM.
At first it sounded a bit strange to me.......(little did I know... :D)
I read somewhere that it means "island" in gaelic, but still didn't know it was a name too...
So I was very surprised when I first saw pics posted here with street signs named Ennis street and things like that.
So....it's an Irish village? That makes sense I guess.
And real people use it as surname and middle name? Wow....
How lucky you are Chris to have a collegue named Ennis.....a constant reminder ;)......not that you need it I'm sure, but still... :D
Oh yes, and I agree with the others, love you new avatar!!
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There's also a town in Texas with that name too, as well as in Montana and even in West Viginia.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ennis,_Texas
I passed through Ennis on the way down to Linda's barbecue, and on the way back I went into Jack County, Texas.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_County,_Texas
I remember calling Jackie and Linda from Ennis!
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This was indeed said perfectly ( I didn't want to carry over the whole quote, but it was all good). I'm not sure how we can hold on to this, except in the way Jack held the Dozy Embrace in his heart.
Quithammerin, for me the best way of holding on to the message of BBM has been to stay in touch with this forum and the friends I've made here. The friendships I've made here are special, and very very important in my life now. The community and connection on this forum are unique, IMO, and logging into the forum feels like coming home.
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I remember calling Jackie and Linda from Ennis!
Wow Fritz.....what a wonderful thing to do! I'm sure they appreciated it!
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Thanks for the kind comments - actually I saw Andy changed his, and it was a nice sunny day.....
I have worn glasses all my life - and the reason I am smiling is that my daughter has her arm right around me and i'm in the crook of her arm.
She really is beautiful - but we all are :D
I suspect that my colleague has Ennis as a middle name because, as janjo says, it's actually a surname. My mother-in-law was Scottish - makes my daughter 1/4 Scottish - and her middle name was a family surname. I'm not sure this is so common among the English?
Thinking it was at one time, at least, Chris...
My maternal grandfather was English, from Newcastle-Upon-Tyne, his name was Stanley Melville Harper. Melville his mothers maiden name.
My maternal grandmother was Laura Wherry Harper. Though it might not have been common in her day, Grandma kept her maiden name, Wherry. Once married she dropped her given middle name, Velma.
Love the new avatar, Chris!
:-* :-* :-*
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It's very common in the north for us to have either family names as middle names or as in my family the childrens middle names are traditionally the maiden names of their paternal grandmothers. Don't ask me why, probably a clan thing.
Dangy, Cousin!
Read what I just posted up there!
It's been ages... how the hell are ya?
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Hi Rob :-*
- you are probably right. Holland and Ash are two family names which were used as middle names by previous generations in my family. But the last one I can think of, off the top of my head, is my own mother, the Holland, born in 1918, and I think the Hollands were a few generations back. I wonder when that stopped, it did not extend to me.
Your avatar is the height of classiness! Hope all's well with you.
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I recently got up the courage to rent this movie from Netflix. I have put it off for a long time because I have issues and scars from a relationship I once had with someone who was gay and I didn't want to see a movie about what a gay relationship consisted of. I watched the movie last week, and cannot get it out of my head. I watched it again yesterday. My issues stem from a relationship I had when I was a teenager. I was in a loving relationship with a gay man (I am female) and we planned to spend our lives together, until he admitted that he was gay. We were very much in love, just like Jack and Ennis. I just need to share that I don't think this movie is about anything gay. It is a movie about love, especially a forbidden love for which there are no easy answers. My man and I were very much in love, and like in the movie, it was an impossible situation which could never work out. It has been 25 years since my relationship ended and I am still haunted and scarred by it. I'm glad I saw this movie finally. Just wanted to share.
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donna,
many who will read this here have shared that experience, either from his side or your side, and many of us were forced to relive that grief and guilt by this story. in fact this was the area in which the movie surpassed the short story, in telling of the effects on those OTHER than jack and ennis. it is to be hoped that, while painful, your experience did not have time to do the damage incurred by the many alma and lureens, including my own ex-wife of 13 years, who will be exposed to this.
my deepest regrets that you carry this scar, and my hopes that you may now finish the healing.
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Thank you for sharing, Donnab!
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. And like Jack I hope your scar will heal.
Welcome to the forum
((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))
Mia
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I recently got up the courage to rent this movie from Netflix. I have put it off for a long time because I have issues and scars from a relationship I once had with someone who was gay and I didn't want to see a movie about what a gay relationship consisted of. I watched the movie last week, and cannot get it out of my head. I watched it again yesterday. My issues stem from a relationship I had when I was a teenager. I was in a loving relationship with a gay man (I am female) and we planned to spend our lives together, until he admitted that he was gay. We were very much in love, just like Jack and Ennis. I just need to share that I don't think this movie is about anything gay. It is a movie about love, especially a forbidden love for which there are no easy answers. My man and I were very much in love, and like in the movie, it was an impossible situation which could never work out. It has been 25 years since my relationship ended and I am still haunted and scarred by it. I'm glad I saw this movie finally. Just wanted to share.
Thank you Donna,for sharing. It's takes a lot for someone to come forward,but know that by doing this,it has opened up the doors to "healing".
I'm so sorry you had to go thru this. Please stay with us and continue to share ...so many of us are here for you. We do care and so many have gone thru the same ...
((hugs))
Nellie
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Thanks, people! It's just friggin' crazy that I can't get this movie out of my head. I can't sleep at night. My brain just keeps replaying it. I wish I saw it when it first came out. I have watched it three times now and haven't yet returned it to Netflix. Let me explain that I never go to the movies, and rarely watch movies. I thought it would be fun to get a Netflix subscription and have only had Netflix for a couple months now. I would never have dared rent this movie from the video store- I'm very repressed, eh? ::) I had no idea this movie won so many awards, although I can certainly see why it did. I thought it was a movie that only gay people would enjoy, however, I have a gay friend who saw it when it first came out and thought it was the most boring movie he has ever seen! Hah! Too bad for him! I believe that this movie resonates with anyone who has ever truly been in love or who hopes to be in love. I feel bad that I never gave it a chance three years ago. It is so powerful. I just keep crying when I think of it and how I identify with the characters' relationship as being the one true and profound overwhelmament of life! (OK, I made up that word overwhelmament, because I can't describe it.) I feel like I have three years worth of catching up on this website because I only watched the movie a week ago for the first time, and only found this great website yesterday. I never knew the movie was about this...
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Welcome to the forum Donnab
This is a good thread to read. The original "How Brokeback Affected Me" thread from 2005
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0)
If new members have questions, try "New Members Ask - Experienced Members Respond "
http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=4687.0 (http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=4687.0)
We also have a site map here:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8878.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8878.0)
You might also be interested in our book:
Selected from among the most compelling writing on The Ultimate Brokeback Forum, the stories in Beyond Brokeback: The Impact of a Film convey the remarkable power of the film Brokeback Mountain to affect the lives of all sorts of people—straight and gay, old and young, male and female—on six continents. Ranging from the amusing to the emotionally devastating, the pieces collected in Beyond Brokeback crystallize the deep, frequently life-changing reactions of its often-unsuspecting viewers.
http://www.davecullen.com/brokeback/book/ (http://www.davecullen.com/brokeback/book/)
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Donna...
I first saw Brokeback Mountain in December of 2005. By the end of January I had seen it on the big screen 20 some times. Sometimes (make that OFTEN TIMES) I miss those days, those that you're experiencing now.
The movie changed my life in so many ways... it brought me to this forum where I found the love of my life... it even brought me out of the closet at the age of 46, three years ago yesterday.
Reading posts such as yours encourages me to look forward to even better things in the future. Thank you for sharing your experience with our movie. I hope some time in the future you'll be able to see it on the Big Screen too, it'll move you even more there!!!
Big hugs,
Rob
Welcome to our world, Donna!!!
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Thanks, people! It's just friggin' crazy that I can't get this movie out of my head. I can't sleep at night. My brain just keeps replaying it. I wish I saw it when it first came out. I have watched it three times now and haven't yet returned it to Netflix. Let me explain that I never go to the movies, and rarely watch movies. I thought it would be fun to get a Netflix subscription and have only had Netflix for a couple months now. I would never have dared rent this movie from the video store- I'm very repressed, eh? ::) I had no idea this movie won so many awards, although I can certainly see why it did. I thought it was a movie that only gay people would enjoy, however, I have a gay friend who saw it when it first came out and thought it was the most boring movie he has ever seen! Hah! Too bad for him! I believe that this movie resonates with anyone who has ever truly been in love or who hopes to be in love. I feel bad that I never gave it a chance three years ago. It is so powerful. I just keep crying when I think of it and how I identify with the characters' relationship as being the one true and profound overwhelmament of life! (OK, I made up that word overwhelmament, because I can't describe it.) I feel like I have three years worth of catching up on this website because I only watched the movie a week ago for the first time, and only found this great website yesterday. I never knew the movie was about this...
OMG...take "BayCityJohn's" advice.....John has given you great links....it will become very helpful to you. And once you reached 5 posts...you can share private messages with folks all around this Forum...they're called "PM's"....enjoy and WELCOME
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Thanks folks! I'll definitely check out those links from BCJ. I've been tackling the Scene by Scene forum all morning. it is amazing at how insightful everyone has been. This movie has completely floored me. I wonder why it has that effect on certain people?
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Liking your signature line, Donna. :)
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Welcome, Donna! You might be surprised at the number of women on this forum (I believe the ratio is 1.3 men to 1 woman, so almost equal). Many of them have been deeply affected as well, for all various reasons. Yours is a very interesting and touching story, and easy to relate to. I agree with you that this movie resonates with anyone who has been deeply in love, in a situation which seems impossible.
I hope you will continue to explore the different threads here, talk to people, make some friends. As Rob said, there continue to be occasional showings of the movie on the big screen, so perhaps you will be able to see it there someday. As you become more comfortable, after talking to more people here, you might want to meet some of your fellow posters in person at one of our gatherings, and there might be a chance to see the movie on a big screen there.
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Thanks so much dejavu! I live near Boston, so sometimes they have showings of movies of this magnitude. It would be interesting to see it in the theater, but right now it just seems so private. :-\
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Thanks folks! I'll definitely check out those links from BCJ. I've been tackling the Scene by Scene forum all morning. it is amazing at how insightful everyone has been. This movie has completely floored me. I wonder why it has that effect on certain people?
the movie has affected all of us in different ways.
One of our members posted this 3 years ago, and it explains it for me. (I quote this one a lot ;D)
I believe that in life we can get disconnected from our life stories in a same way. Intense experiences, betrayals, disappointments, lost loves and emotions they wake in us, are so painful that we cannot face them. We rationalize them. We give them interpretations and meanings but most importantly we insulate ourselves from our emotions. Especially for many gays this is familiar: we learn very early to hide our yearning and love, downplay our identity and hide our disappointments and losses. Because we often do not share these experiences we develop a personal language of loss, language that is sometimes very hard for others to understand.
We seek connection and sharing but because we are disconnected from our own feelings and our emotional history, these connections often fail us: we do not have same language.
Brokeback Mountain has done something very seldom a movie can, It has provided us all a frame of reference to reflect our pain, sorrow, joy, love, hopes and aspirations. It gave us all a mirror to look at ourselves. It gave us a story that we could emotionally attach and this forum provided a place where to share our feelings.
Brokeback provided us with language of loss that we all could understand. Brokeback hit us directly in the heart and ripped our protective layers to shreds. It left us vulnerable and raw but also alive. Brokeback cannot provide meaning and purpose to our lives but it has exposed the need, shown to us that we may have lost our direction and we need to reclaim it.
and here's the video of the entire post:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfyMsGz6WLU (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfyMsGz6WLU)
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Thanks so much dejavu! I live near Boston, so sometimes they have showings of movies of this magnitude. It would be interesting to see it in the theater, but right now it just seems so private. :-\
Boston isn't so far from NYC. We have gatherings there at various times during the year, although there's no movie showing involved, just dinner and such. It's a chance to talk to other forum members, especially if you've met them online first.
You will probably have to do a lot of processing of the movie and of your emotions before you would feel ready for that, but please keep it in mind. When you feel like it, check out some of the threads under "Our Community." In Meet Your Neighbors, you'll find the Diner, where people chat about things other than the movie. And in Gatherings and Events, you can see what kind of events are coming up. Since you quality as an "out of towner," if you're ever in NYC, we might even arrange a dinner while you're there. But don't feel under any pressure to get more involved unless you want to.
By the way, my name is Debbie, and I live just north of Philadelphia.
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Thanks, BCJ, I watched Boris' Youtube. His words you quoted are truly wise. I think this is why the movie has affected me so profoundly. I hadn't thought of my long lost impossible love from 25 years ago in a long while, but the movie makes it seem like he was here yesterday. Very painful and depressing :'(. I think the movie has made me appreciate my current boyfriend (of 11 years! ;D) more than ever though. In a world where so many things can rip you apart, we have a pretty great life together :). I can't wait until I get to watch the movie with him. He has never seen it and I have sneakily watched it ??? times now. Jeez, can you count the scenes as they replay in my head???? My son (13) will be away on Friday night, so maybe that will be a good time for a private screening 8)!
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Wecome donnab. When I saw the film it shook me to the core. Then after about three months when the feeling still persisted I found this website, and I have been here ever since.
It is a great place with wonderful people. I am in the UK and we had a gathering in Oxford last year where many of us met up, many coming from all over the world.
When I first saw the film I thought "Why me?"
I'm not gay, but a happily married grandmother.
Whatever the reason, I feel truly blessed that the film affected me as it did, and that I found this warm and wonderful place.
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janjo! I just read your "If Jack Hadn't Died" alternate ending. "You know friend, this is a god damn bitch of a satisfactory situation!" Aaah, such a relief! Thanks so much. Maybe I can think straight so that I can get some stuff done in work today, after all! I can't wait to read more writing like that! So satisfying! Great job!
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Donnab! I am blushing. Thank you so much for those lovely kind words. :-*
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Hiya Donna! Glad you found the forum!
Hope you are finding kindred spirits here!
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I recently got up the courage to rent this movie from Netflix. I have put it off for a long time because I have issues and scars from a relationship I once had with someone who was gay and I didn't want to see a movie about what a gay relationship consisted of. I watched the movie last week, and cannot get it out of my head. I watched it again yesterday. My issues stem from a relationship I had when I was a teenager. I was in a loving relationship with a gay man (I am female) and we planned to spend our lives together, until he admitted that he was gay. We were very much in love, just like Jack and Ennis. I just need to share that I don't think this movie is about anything gay. It is a movie about love, especially a forbidden love for which there are no easy answers. My man and I were very much in love, and like in the movie, it was an impossible situation which could never work out. It has been 25 years since my relationship ended and I am still haunted and scarred by it. I'm glad I saw this movie finally. Just wanted to share.
Hi donna. I'm pretty much a newbie here too. It was really scary at first, getting very personal with a bunch of strangers, but I'm already much more relaxed and trying to have fun with it. I was really interested in what dejavu said about the ratio of men to women. Now, I'd never be so rude as to ask a lady her age but from my reading between the lines of lots of posters I'd be willing to bet that, on the whole, the ladies here have a certain level of maturity and experience if you get my drift. I wonder why BBM speaks to us so. And it is definitely not a gay thing as you discovered. My husband was gently teasing me in front of his gay brother about my new found favourite film he (the brother-in-law) looked at me like I was mad. Mind you, he did admit that he saw Brokeback at the cinema on a particularly disastrous first date - that would tend to colour your perceptions. What I want to do is find a big screen showing preferably here in London and get my brother-in-law to come with - see if I can win him round. Like you I didn't see it on the big screen and really feel like I missed out.
Definitely try to get your man to watch it with you (although I know what you mean about it feeling private). I hope you have a really good shared experience of it as I did, it really casts everthing in a whole new light. :)
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Oh sorry donna also meant to say: If you haven't already, please please please read the short story. Order it from Amazon - no need to show your face in an actual bookshop (although beware it will alter your profile for ever in very interesting ways :D). 39 pages of the most exquisite prose I have ever come across - knocked me sideways.
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Yes, Donna and Billys Girl, the things that Amazon suggest that you might enjoy once you get going are really interesting. I doubt their software can work me out. It tickles my sense of fun enormously.
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from my reading between the lines of lots of posters I'd be willing to bet that, on the whole, the ladies here have a certain level of maturity and experience if you get my drift. I wonder why BBM speaks to us so. And it is definitely not a gay thing as you discovered.
Definitely try to get your man to watch it with you (although I know what you mean about it feeling private). I hope you have a really good shared experience of it as I did, it really casts everthing in a whole new light. :)
Interesting. On one hand, I can totally see why this movie and website would appeal to gay people. I believe it has to do with affirming the human experience withing the context of their orientation. And bless you all for finding this place to share!
However, on the other hand, there is much more to it than that. There is something larger than life in this story. Whatever you call it, this thing speaks to only some of us. Is it because we have a certain level of maturity and experience as Billys Girl says? Maybe. I think it is because we have experienced and lost that one great thing in our lives because of society's pressures or some other unfairness.
Watched it for the 5th time last night. I am so in trouble with Netflix! I can't wait to watch it with my BF this weekend. Counting the hours. Wonder what his reaction will be.
I definitely plan on buying the short story, DVD, etc.
Question: Does this forum have a "search" feature? Can't find it. Want to know what the purpose of that scene with the rednecks at the fireworks was.
Thanks, folks. OK, back to work.
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The search feature has been disabled, I am sorry to say. The forum is so huge that running searches against all that data really affects performance for everyone.
I am sure that if you want to find something specific or topics of interest to you, just ask a question here and one of the Mods (who may still be able to search) or one of the other members will know where to look.
There are lots of BBM and forum experts/specialists here now...
N
xx
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Billys Girl and Donnab!
It's so good to have you here, to read your posts!
Just in case you're interested.... One thread I found very interesting to read when I first came here was Brokeback's impact on women.
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8730.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8730.0)
It would be so great to meet you there too.
:) :) :)
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from my reading between the lines of lots of posters I'd be willing to bet that, on the whole, the ladies here have a certain level of maturity and experience if you get my drift. I wonder why BBM speaks to us so. And it is definitely not a gay thing as you discovered.
Definitely try to get your man to watch it with you (although I know what you mean about it feeling private). I hope you have a really good shared experience of it as I did, it really casts everthing in a whole new light. :)
Interesting. On one hand, I can totally see why this movie and website would appeal to gay people. I believe it has to do with affirming the human experience withing the context of their orientation. And bless you all for finding this place to share!
However, on the other hand, there is much more to it than that. There is something larger than life in this story. Whatever you call it, this thing speaks to only some of us. Is it because we have a certain level of maturity and experience as Billys Girl says? Maybe. I think it is because we have experienced and lost that one great thing in our lives because of society's pressures or some other unfairness.
Watched it for the 5th time last night. I am so in trouble with Netflix! I can't wait to watch it with my BF this weekend. Counting the hours. Wonder what his reaction will be.
I definitely plan on buying the short story, DVD, etc.
Question: Does this forum have a "search" feature? Can't find it. Want to know what the purpose of that scene with the rednecks at the fireworks was.
Thanks, folks. OK, back to work.
I think the idea that Brokeback is only a film for gay people is particularly strong amongst those who haven't watched it. Of course it speaks strongly and eloquently to gay people, but also to others who have been bullied or disaproved of in some way by society, by those who don't quite "fit" the stereotype of what society thinks they should be for other reasons.
It speaks of love and death and chances not taken in life, which may or may not have anything to do with being gay.
Two very handsome men in love with each other is appealing to both gay men and at least quite a few of us straight ladies.
Have those who think this film and story is just for gay men, no empathy for their fellow human beings?
There are straight women here who have gay sons, gay nephews and gay friends that they can't bear to see hurt by mindless prejudice eating away at their self esteem and destroying their relationships.
Brokeback isn't just a film for gay men but a film for human beings.
But then you know all of this, it's why you are here. :D
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Well said, as always, janjo. I totally thought it was a 'gay movie' before I saw it, that's why I put it off for 3 years. I have a hard time dealing with gay things, so why would I bother to see this movie? But you are dead on with your analysis about it having to do with love and death and chances not taken. And, good God, it doesn't hurt that Jake and Heath (RIP) are freakin' gorgeous!
Watched it last night again! Much too much to think about, still crying. By the way, my boyfriend gets out of work two hours after I get out of my work. Then, we meet up at the gym for a workout before going home for dinner. This is why I have had 2.15 hours to gush over a movie every day, in case anyone was wondering!
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Of course it speaks strongly and eloquently to gay people, but also to others who have been bullied or disaproved of in some way by society, by those who don't quite "fit" the stereotype of what society thinks they should be for other reasons.
That's the reason it hit me like a shot. And I adapted so well to the forum despite my being from such a different culture because I was accepted unconditionally.
It speaks of love and death and chances not taken in life, which may or may not have anything to do with being gay.
You are so right about this Jess. That's probably why it knocked out my mother the way it did.
Welcome aboard Billys Girl and Donnab. Great having you here. :) :)
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Hi Lovely. Nice to see you around. :-* :-*
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Hi Lovely. Nice to see you around. :-* :-*
Hope all's well Jess :-* :-* Good to talk to you.
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Well said, as always, janjo. I totally thought it was a 'gay movie' before I saw it, that's why I put it off for 3 years. I have a hard time dealing with gay things, so why would I bother to see this movie? But you are dead on with your analysis about it having to do with love and death and chances not taken. And, good God, it doesn't hurt that Jake and Heath (RIP) are freakin' gorgeous!
Watched it last night again! Much too much to think about, still crying. By the way, my boyfriend gets out of work two hours after I get out of my work. Then, we meet up at the gym for a workout before going home for dinner. This is why I have had 2.15 hours to gush over a movie every day, in case anyone was wondering!
Hello donnab
I bet I'm not the only one here who would love to hear you expand on the bolded part of your post, or would that be too tricky for you? Welcome to the forum btw.
Andy. :)
ETA: Ok, I just read what you said a few pages back... sorry. :)
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Thanks Andy for taking the time to look back at my previous post before getting judgemental. As I see it, my relationship with my gay fiance was constrained by societal factors just as much as Ennis and Jack's. It is still hard for me because we were so in love. I'm sure that's why the movie has had such an affect on me.
:'(
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Oh, I wasn't gonna get judgemental. I just was curious as to the background to your statement. :-*
Are you now on good terms?
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Thanks for asking, Andy. He moved away 25 years ago and I haven't heard from him since. I still think of him all the time, even though I got married, have a child, got divorced, and now am in a very satisfying relationship with my boyfriend of 10 years. I have written to his parents, but they don't reply. He lives in another part of the US. This movie really rips me up because it makes me think of my gay ex. He realized that he was gay when society first said that it was ok to come out. It wasn't ok for everyone. It wasn't ok for me. Still, I let him go to become himself, without me. Talk about "nothing ended, nothing begun, nothing resolved." If I had thought that having a sex change operation to make me into the gender to which he was more attracted could have helped, I probably would have done it. We both know that we will be together someday in a world where it doesn't matter whether you have a penis or a vagina, and where two souls can be in love. Can you see why I put off seeing this movie for so long? Strangely enough, the movie has affected me so deeply because the characters portrayed are a mirror image of my relationship. It's the same story, two people in love, with society and orientation as the wedge that keeps them apart, nothing ended, nothing begun, nothing really resolved...
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I can't begin to know how you must feel Donna... even after all this time. I sincerely hope that this forum can in some small way be of help to you. There are many folks here who have similar poignant and tragic stories to tell.
But did the movie turn out to be anything like you expected, apart from the subject matter?
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Thanks for your kind thoughts, Andy!
NO! That movie was NOTHING like what I thought it would be at all!!! All I knew was that it was a western (hate 'em), a movie (never have time for 'em), and it was about gay people (got burned by one of 'em!). I had no idea that it had won awards or anything like that. I never expected it to be such a moving story and that it would be so life-altering for me. I was completely blown away by it- obviously, or I wouldn't be here ;D.
I am loving this website- got absolutely nothing done in work all week! I wish I could turn back the calendar to three years ago. I am going to watch the movie again tonight with my BF who has no idea that I even watched it once! Ha ha- that will be a trip, eh? The movie really makes me appreciate the love I have now with my 'new' BF (10 years- duh!) I am truly lucky to have someone who is a partner in every sense of the word and with whom I can bare my soul. As the movie has shown us, not everyone gets that chance, or takes that chance when it is right in front of them. I can't wait until my private screening tonight. Hmmm... so what do straight men think about BBM? I wonder....
Have a wonderful weekend!
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Donna, you have put your finger on what a lot of people mentioned about the effect of seeing BBM. It was that way for me, too.
Which is, even though the movie brought up memories of things we had regrets about, and separations from people we cared about, the movie also made some of us look at our current situations, friends, partners, whatever, with new eyes. It gave some of us gladness that we realized how much we cared about people close to us in our present-day lives, and gave us motivation not to let those things slip away.
I hope this is something that you can find in BBM, too.
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Hi everyone,
I've just discovered this amazing site, and I want to make my first post one of general thanks to everyone who has contributed to it - it's fantastic so see such thoughtful and insightful discussions about what is, without doubt THE best film /book, ever. As a guy living in Ireland I am struck by the universal nature of the themes expressed in BBM. Whilst the scenes mayhave been set circa five thousand miles away from me, the emotions/prejudices/general story lines could have been written about my neighbourhood!
As a longstanding fan of BBM, I was incredibly moved by it right from the first time I saw it - so many echoes of my own life that it's scary, but heartwarming in a kind of way to realise I'm not actually alone in my situation .....
I intend to take some time to read through all the threads and no doubt learn alot more about the multi-faceted BBM than I've picked up myself to date.
Once again, thanks for such a great site - I wish I'd found it years ago.
Coz.
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A warm welcome to you irisheyes - it is so good that you have finally discovered this forum.
Looking forward to interacting with you and sharing insights.
XOXO
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Welcome! I am new here too! I only saw the movie about two weeks ago and I am still floored by it. I found this website shortly after I saw the movie. You could read these folks' insightful posts all day. And everyone here is super friendly! Enjoy!
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wow, hi to lovelyamazing and donnab - great to get such a welcome from you guys.
It's so true that you could spend all day reading these articulate and well observed messages here on this site (in fact, I'll let you into a secret - I found the site last night and got so absorbed I 'phoned the office this am and said I was taking today off, just so's I could spend more time on here - guess that's a small step - but it's a big enough one for a 49 y/o accountant to take. It must be the BBM effect starting .....
I first saw BBM when it came out on general release (to mixed reviews, it has to be said, in Ireland) - but I've watched it many times since on DVD and it was actually shown on the BBC on Saturday night, which I guess will have brought it to a hitherto untapped audience (expect a surge in interest in this site from the UK/Ireland!).
I look forward to interacting with you in the near future - sharing thoughts/dreams/fears etc (heck - it might have been easier to just say "life"?!!).
Cheers,
Coz.
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Welcome, Coz.
I have no boubt whatsoever that you will find something here to match your mood, concerns, fears, frustrations, whatever, and a whole wonderful selection of folks to interact with. Make yourself at home.
Andy. ;D
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(in fact, I'll let you into a secret - I found the site last night and got so absorbed I 'phoned the office this am and said I was taking today off, just so's I could spend more time on here - guess that's a small step - but it's a big enough one for a 49 y/o accountant to take. It must be the BBM effect starting .....
Oh goody-good! You're my kind of person ;D
I look forward to interacting with you in the near future - sharing thoughts/dreams/fears etc (heck - it might have been easier to just say "life"?!!).
I think "life" is the right word. I sometimes wonder which world I used to be in pre-BBM - my world has changed and how!!!
Hi to Donna and Andy!
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It's so true that you could spend all day reading these articulate and well observed messages here on this site (in fact, I'll let you into a secret - I found the site last night and got so absorbed I 'phoned the office this am and said I was taking today off, just so's I could spend more time on here - guess that's a small step - but it's a big enough one for a 49 y/o accountant to take. It must be the BBM effect starting .....
Irisheyes, you are a very bad boy! :D Hello, still pretty new here myself and having great fun (and a few tears) with it. Just a warning though, it is highly addictive. Yes I noticed it was on TV on Saturday. It was all I could do not to watch it even though I have the DVD (how mad is that). I'm also expecting an influx of newly broken hearted Britishers - if you're lurking out there, come on in (you know you want to).
I love your tag line. We went off on a bit of a tangent about "Street Car" over on Topic of the Week last week - it's best to just go with the flow. Enjoy it all.
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Hi Billys Girl - thx 4 your message. I'm enjoying the delicious feeling of "playing hookey" today - AND it's the financial year end - how reckless am I??? Heck, I feel I've earned it.
I also watched the film on tv on Sat night, even though I have the DVD as well. Spend most of the time texting my best friend who was also watching it on his own (we've just recently re-established contact after 18 years apart - I'll not bore you with the details, but it's all very BBM).
Congrats on getting the Streetcar reference - it was pretty obscure and I didn't think anyone would pick up on it. Another of my fave films - think I may just have been Blanche in a previous life .....
Take care,
C.x.
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Spend most of the time texting my best friend who was also watching it on his own (we've just recently re-established contact after 18 years apart - I'll not bore you with the details, but it's all very BBM).
Bored by the details! Have you taken leave of your senses? We're all about the details, come on, give. Only teasing, no pressure. But, as you have all day to write us an essay......
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Welcome Coz!!
It is so good to see you and that you finally found us after all this time!!
As everyone said above, this is the best place for you to be to discuss all aspects of the movie, but mostly to talk about, as you said, life! I live on the west coast of the US, so my day is just beginning. I have been here since December of 2005, and still find new things to talk about and STILL discover so many things about how BBM affects my life. It has from the moment I saw the movie for the first time, and they just continue.
So many of us, gay men, straight women and everyone in between feels some amazing connection to this movie and all have been affected in some way, shape or form. My life has been affected amazingly, and I am so lucky to be here among these wonderful folks and this amazing community and yes, family.
So welcome and once again so glad to see you! If you have ANY questions at all don't hesitate to ask me or anyone here. If they don't know the answer, they can direct you to who does! I hope that you enjoy your stay here! All of us certainly have!!!
Linda
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donnab and Billys Girl. I am so sorry to not have said hello to both of you as well. I have read from the beginning (I do as lot of reading!! :D ) but I have read with great interest both of your stories! Thanks so much for being here and sharing with us and for becoming a part of this great family!! Welcome to both of you and keep sharing. It means so much to all of us.
Linda
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Thanks for the "hello" Linda - you'd need to be superhuman to keep up-to-date with all of this. I seem to have got over my initial panic about sharing, so that's progress.
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Hi everyone,
I've just discovered this amazing site, and I want to make my first post one of general thanks to everyone who has contributed to it - it's fantastic so see such thoughtful and insightful discussions about what is, without doubt THE best film /book, ever. As a guy living in Ireland I am struck by the universal nature of the themes expressed in BBM. Whilst the scenes mayhave been set circa five thousand miles away from me, the emotions/prejudices/general story lines could have been written about my neighbourhood!
As a longstanding fan of BBM, I was incredibly moved by it right from the first time I saw it - so many echoes of my own life that it's scary, but heartwarming in a kind of way to realise I'm not actually alone in my situation .....
I intend to take some time to read through all the threads and no doubt learn alot more about the multi-faceted BBM than I've picked up myself to date.
Once again, thanks for such a great site - I wish I'd found it years ago.
Coz.
Welcome, Irisheyes !!
It's never too late to find us, glad you did.
I read a few posts after this about you calling in sick...oh boy, we are all guilty of all this.. ;D , it makes me laugh that people are still doing it just to be in here. We've called off work to view the movie hundreds of times. It's all part of the madness.
I hope this Forum will bring you lots of questions answered, or just the fact that you're not alone is soothing enough. There are so many great people from all over the world over here ,it's just amazing.
I hope to bump into you around the Forum..;D
Nellie....from Chicago
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Welcome to the forum Irisheyes !
This is a good thread to read. The original "How Brokeback Affected Me" thread from 2005
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0
If new members have questions, try "New Members Ask - Experienced Members Respond "
http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=4687.0
We also have a site map here:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8878.0
You might also be interested in our book:
Selected from among the most compelling writing on The Ultimate Brokeback Forum, the stories in Beyond Brokeback: The Impact of a Film convey the remarkable power of the film Brokeback Mountain to affect the lives of all sorts of people—straight and gay, old and young, male and female—on six continents. Ranging from the amusing to the emotionally devastating, the pieces collected in Beyond Brokeback crystallize the deep, frequently life-changing reactions of its often-unsuspecting viewers.
http://www.davecullen.com/brokeback/book/
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It's so true that you could spend all day reading these articulate and well observed messages here on this site (in fact, I'll let you into a secret - I found the site last night and got so absorbed I 'phoned the office this am and said I was taking today off, just so's I could spend more time on here - guess that's a small step - but it's a big enough one for a 49 y/o accountant to take. It must be the BBM effect starting .....
You certainly aren't alone in that. I've been known to take a day or two off myself. btw I'm an accountant too, and I was 49 when I joined the forum.
But please be careful. Some people have actually lost their jobs because of this. Take your time. We're not leaving anytime soon.
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Thanks for the "hello" Linda - you'd need to be superhuman to keep up-to-date with all of this. I seem to have got over my initial panic about sharing, so that's progress.
Oh dear I remember my first baby steps in 2006. I hadn't seen the movie but here I was. The rest is history. You just see where you find yourself in a few days :) :)
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It's so true that you could spend all day reading these articulate and well observed messages here on this site (in fact, I'll let you into a secret - I found the site last night and got so absorbed I 'phoned the office this am and said I was taking today off, just so's I could spend more time on here - guess that's a small step - but it's a big enough one for a 49 y/o accountant to take. It must be the BBM effect starting .....
You certainly aren't alone in that. I've been known to take a day or two off myself. btw I'm an accountant too, and I was 49 when I joined the forum.
But please be careful. Some people have actually lost their jobs because of this. Take your time. We're not leaving anytime soon.
Yep...be careful...I meant to say that in my post.....I was one of them that got fired after 17 years...there were other issues and I was ready to go anyway....but this obsession didn't help matters .... :-\
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thx 4 the word of warning re losing jobs, yeah, it's a bit like the kiddie in the sweet shop syndrome - you could overdose on all this great stuff on this site. but don't worry - i've been sensible all my life (maybe too sensible) - i'm not about to go headlong into some kind of mid life crisis, at least not intentionally!
John, coincidence about you being an accountant and the same age on joining as me - is this a well observed pattern, i wonder.....
cheers,
c.x.
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John, coincidence about you being an accountant and the same age on joining as me - is this a well observed pattern, i wonder.....
Not really a pattern, but when you have over 7000 members a few are bound to have the same career.
We have several accountants, lawyers, doctors, actors, writers, artists, musicians, teachers, librarians, students, salespeople, cashiers, fast food workers, retirees, clergy (we even have an Archbishop :D), and on and on.
It's a great mix of people here.
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^^^^
A great mix of people indeed!
I also want to add my welcome to you, Irisheyes! A very warm welcome. :)
And thank you so much for coming here, for posting. I've been around for a year and a half. And to meet new members like you is truly wonderful.
Hope to meet you many more times in threads.
:) :) :)
Mia from Sweden
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hi Mia,
thx 4 the welcome - it's been an amazing initiation to this site, to have so many people welcome me. i've never joined a forum before so i didn't know what to expect. it's a positive feeling and truly appreciated. i'm going to read alot of the older posts and increase my knowledge of the film and it's feter effects on so many diverse people. how powerful a film it really is, to have such ripple effects (and from what i can gather, positive effects as people use the prism of the film to examine their own lives).
looking forward to getting to know you all.
c.x.
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Welcome to a wider world Irisheyes ;) (I hope they're smiling ;D)
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it's a positive feeling and truly appreciated. i'm going to read alot of the older posts and increase my knowledge of the film and it's feter effects on so many diverse people. how powerful a film it really is, to have such ripple effects (and from what i can gather, positive effects as people use the prism of the film to examine their own lives).
The movie has affected all of us in different ways.
One of our members, Jari (Boris) from Finland posted this 3 years ago, and it explains it for me. (I quote this one a lot ;D)
I believe that in life we can get disconnected from our life stories in a same way. Intense experiences, betrayals, disappointments, lost loves and emotions they wake in us, are so painful that we cannot face them. We rationalize them. We give them interpretations and meanings but most importantly we insulate ourselves from our emotions. Especially for many gays this is familiar: we learn very early to hide our yearning and love, downplay our identity and hide our disappointments and losses. Because we often do not share these experiences we develop a personal language of loss, language that is sometimes very hard for others to understand.
We seek connection and sharing but because we are disconnected from our own feelings and our emotional history, these connections often fail us: we do not have same language.
Brokeback Mountain has done something very seldom a movie can, It has provided us all a frame of reference to reflect our pain, sorrow, joy, love, hopes and aspirations. It gave us all a mirror to look at ourselves. It gave us a story that we could emotionally attach and this forum provided a place where to share our feelings.
Brokeback provided us with language of loss that we all could understand. Brokeback hit us directly in the heart and ripped our protective layers to shreds. It left us vulnerable and raw but also alive. Brokeback cannot provide meaning and purpose to our lives but it has exposed the need, shown to us that we may have lost our direction and we need to reclaim it.
and here's the video of the entire post:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfyMsGz6WLU (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfyMsGz6WLU)
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Welcome to this amazing forum Coz - I hope you enjoy it as I have done for the last 3 years! There's several of us over the water from you in the UK!!
Sal ;D
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Hello Irish Eyes!
Welcome the the Dave Cullen Forum!
I hope you use the links that BayCityJohn provided, they will give you a great background on the forum and how it's affected people!
Please feel free to PM me with any questions!
Chuck
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A very warm welcome from me too, in the UK, and half a county away from Tigs. There are quite a few of us on this side of the Atlantic.
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i'm going to read alot of the older posts and increase my knowledge of the film and it's feter effects on so many diverse people. how powerful a film it really is, to have such ripple effects (and from what i can gather, positive effects as people use the prism of the film to examine their own lives).
Hi, Irish Eyes,
Welcome to the forum! I'm glad you found us.
There is SO MUCH to read here, but take your time and let your fingers take you wherever you find things of interest. Many of us have felt the same as you: using the prism of the film to examine their own lives. I hope you enjoy reading the analysis of the film and book, if that's where you want to start, as well as threads about people were affected by BBM.
Later, as you get to know people here, you may want to look into some of the other threads which are more "social" where people talk about their shared interests. It's a wide world right here at the forum.
Debbie
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looking forward to getting to know you all.
c.x.
ummm... that could take a while ;D ;D ;D
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Hi guys
this is my 1st post.i 1st watched bbm in january 06 and like all of you became totally lost in the story.i felt like my heart had been torn out of my chest and knew then that my life would never be the same,i cried everyday for 3 months after watching it.Well it wasn't long before i slipped into the old routine of life and although bbm has never been far from my thoughts i hadn't been able to watch it again until this weekend.My eyes have been opened again to what is missing from my life,love and companionship.I have begun to change aspects of my life which i hadn't done after 1st watching bbm and i feel more positive this time around not just completely devastated,i still cry at the even the thought of bbm.they are hopeful tears now.
i will get to Calgary and hopefully take in most of the bbm sites,i want to go horse riding again,maybe meet a cowboy(i'm gay male ;D)
i want to love and be loved
great sharing this ,great to know i'm not alone on my own bbm
maybe we can all get together there one day
love you all
gary xoxxo
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Welcome to the forum Gary.
Be sure to check out Finding Brokeback if you haven't already.
http://www.findingbrokeback.com (http://www.findingbrokeback.com)
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Hi John
thank you,i have found findingbrokeback.com that's what led me to your site ;D
i'm in the U.K so it's going to take me a while to organise,but i will get there
Garyx
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Seems like we're getting quite a few new members from the UK lately.
We had a big gathering in Oxford last year, but I wasn't able to go.
Maybe next time.
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Hello Gary and welcome from a fellow Brit. Just in case you haven't gotten round to it, we have our own thread=http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8629.4920 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8629.4920)
Andy. :)
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No you didn't ***taps foot, look accusingly at John*** and you were missed.
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Thank's
i had no idea there was a link for Brits ;D
or that you all got together
i'm still heartbroken,can you believe it
i don't think i will ever get over it,don't think i ever want to either
Gary
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There's a catharsis in our heartbreak, Gary, especially amongst Brokies.
What part of the country are you in?
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Thank's
i had no idea there was a link for Brits ;D
or that you all got together
i'm still heartbroken,can you believe it
i don't think i will ever get over it,don't think i ever want to either
Gary
yes, we love getting together as much as possible here.
It's one of the ways Brokeback has changed my life.
I love having friends all over the world, especially in the UK because we almost speak the same language ;D
We had our first big gathering in August 2006 in Texas, and several others since then.
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yup lots of meetings
go to this forum board to see the archive
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?board=87.0
this one for the current stuff
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?board=79.0
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It's great to know that bbm has had the same effect on many other people as it has me.i was beginning to think i was losing the plot
I'm in the Midlands Andy
and look forward to eeting up with all of you at some point in the future
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Hello BunnyTwist/Gary.
Nice to meet you, glad you found us!
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Welcome Gary - from another Brit!!
Sal ;D
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How Brokeback affected me..............It broke my heart.Simple. Tears are always just under the surface with me now. Listening to a songs that I would not have connected with before reduce me to tears now. Poetry can do the same. I have started to buy books of the stuff. We have had several TV prorammes recently here Iain England what were about the Rockies in Canada and areas around.....just to see those mountains with snow on them glistening in the sunlight or going a Rosy pink/purple at sunset can really take my breath away yet before BMM it would not have had any effect on me at all. \it has made me more tolerant to other people regarding their sexual choices. I went horse riding last year in Turkey through the mountains something else I have never dane before. And all because it was something Ennis and Jack did.I'm no great philosopher and i don't know if BMM was supposed to have some very deep and meaningful message other that it was supposed to tear your heart out and take you over body nd soul .
suelyblu
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Hi
thank's for the warm welcome folks
it's great to be among fellow Brokies
Hi Sal
and Hi Suelyblu i can empathise totally with how bbm has affected you as i'm still living it 3 years after 1st watching it,like you say the tears are just under the surface.
I wouldn't have it any other way though,i feel more alive for it ;D
xxx
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OMG...all these new people....I'm so excited....just like music to my ears!!!!
Welcome to the best place on the internet..or anywhere else for that matter...it's become a second home to us,and we really do care. Please take your time to view all the wonderful threads...post all you want,we're here for you.
your friend,
Nellie ;D
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Hi bunnytwist, Yes like you and all us other Brokies i adore the film but I seem to have been in a dark place for more than three years now , definatley not helped when Heath died.That had such an impact. I have to put on this 'happy go lucky' personna during the day time but at night I withdraw once more. I eally ned to escape this all consuming sadness. There are times when I wish I had never seen the film but as stated somewhere on another thread it has made me more tolerant of peoples sexual choices and preferences.Not that I derided anyone before I saw the film , it just enforceded the live and let live feeling.I need the sun in my life again.I'm waiting for the clouds to clear......still.
suelyblu xx
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Suelyblu, welcome to our forum!
It's good to see you here! I love the fact that Brokeback is still affecting people, and they're finding their way here!
you, BunnyTwist, IrishEyes....and other new members who join, you are welcome here, we're glad to have you!
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Hi folks,
Having been a member of this (fantastic) site just a couple of days, I thought I'd like to try and sum up how BBM has made me feel this week, given that it's been a week of total immersion of all things BBM (which wasn't on my agenda - it just kind of happened after watching it on mainstream tv last weekend). In a strange kind of way I feel in a heightened emotional state - more attuned to myself and the possibilites of life. It's a bit like lighting a candle in a room that's been dark for years. I can just about start to make out some shapes in the shadows as my eyes blink in the unaccustomed light. I'm just praying that the candle doesn't get snuffed out ..... this site is helping to keep it burning.
Sorry of this comes across as self indulgence, but it's my way of saying "thanks" to everyone on the site here who's taken the time to say "hi" to me thgis wek and make me feel welcome. I've been overwhelmed.
Love, Coz.
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It's a bit like lighting a candle in a room that's been dark for years. I can just about start to make out some shapes in the shadows as my eyes blink in the unaccustomed light.
I love how you've expressed this.
I'm just praying that the candle doesn't get snuffed out ..... this site is helping to keep it burning.
Far from it. It will burn brighter and light the way for others who come after.
Sorry of this comes across as self indulgence, but it's my way of saying "thanks" to everyone on the site here who's taken the time to say "hi" to me thgis wek and make me feel welcome. I've been overwhelmed.
Love, Coz.
Thank you for your thoughtfulness in making this post. Thanks for joining this big Brokie family.
Love right back
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Hi folks,
Having been a member of this (fantastic) site just a couple of days, I thought I'd like to try and sum up how BBM has made me feel this week, given that it's been a week of total immersion of all things BBM (which wasn't on my agenda - it just kind of happened after watching it on mainstream tv last weekend). In a strange kind of way I feel in a heightened emotional state - more attuned to myself and the possibilites of life. It's a bit like lighting a candle in a room that's been dark for years. I can just about start to make out some shapes in the shadows as my eyes blink in the unaccustomed light. I'm just praying that the candle doesn't get snuffed out ..... this site is helping to keep it burning.
Sorry of this comes across as self indulgence, but it's my way of saying "thanks" to everyone on the site here who's taken the time to say "hi" to me thgis wek and make me feel welcome. I've been overwhelmed.
Love, Coz.
Thank you, (((((((((((( Coz )))))))))))))
for coming here, for posting, for sharing with us!
It's so great to have you here.
And a warm, warm welcome to Gary and Suelyblue!
Welcome home!
:) :)
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hey girls,
thx for the nice comments - i'm becoming a bit poetic in my old age (put that down to the BBM efect). Love the idea of candle burning brighter to "light up others' rooms" - we're all in this together and by helping each other we're helping ourselves.
let's light another candle ....
coz.x.
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thx for the nice comments - i'm becoming a bit poetic in my old age (put that down to the BBM efect). Love the idea of candle burning brighter to "light up others' rooms" - we're all in this together and by helping each other we're helping ourselves.
let's light another candle ....
I, too, love the idea of the candles. I'm so glad you've joined for forum, and hope you keep finding many more people to talk to here.
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Yaaay, a bunch of new members!!!!
I'm way behind on this, but I want to join in the welcome choir.....so, warm welcomes to Donna, Gary, Suelyblu and Coz. (although we already met... ;))
We all share the feelings of having our heart broken by BBM, and for many of us this place has been the major way to healing, and maybe to understanding what in the hell happened....
I hope you all will stay around, and if you do you will find understanding, friendship, love, kindred spirits, shared experiences, and a lot more here. This is a truly amazing place, there is nothing like it.
For me, this forum saved my sanity after being totally and utterly devastated and heartbroken afterr watching BBM......
Here I found people who knew exactly what I was talking about, and shared the experience.
This place and the friendships I've made here have become such a major part of my daily life, that I don't remember any more how I used to spend my time pre BBM. It is truly a life altering experience.....
LOLing at your story Coz, about taking time off from work..... I once called in sick for a whole week, I was so devastated I just couldn't put the "working mask" on, and pretend everything was normal.....
I hope to see you all around in the threads!
ETA: Love your poetic metaphor about ligtning a candle in a dark room, Coz!!
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I've been wondering for quite a while about another film which, at least at the time, bowled me over as completely as BBM, and I think I finally remember that episode. I'm surprised it's taken this long to remember it.
I saw 2001: A Space Odyssey very shortly after its premiere, at the theater at which it premiered, the Uptown in Washington DC. I wasn't living there at the time (April 1968), but was on spring break from college, visiting my sister who then lived in suburban Maryland. I saw the movie, and was completely flabbergasted. Of course, no one else had seen it, so there was no one I could talk with about it. Talk about frustrating! I finally talked my sister and then brother-in-law to go with me to see it again, which we did shortly before I returned to school. They found it bewildering. Of course, so did I, but I wanted to talk about it, but even though they enjoyed the film, there was no common language to form a basis of discussion.
When I got back to school in South Bend, the movie had not been shown there (in fact, it wasn't shown in smaller cities until quite a while after the premiere). Again great frustration about not having anyone else to talk about it with. When it did finally open at one of the downtown theaters, I went to see it with some friends, including my favorite German professor. They were bewildered! So again it was difficult to talk with anyone about it. I think I saw that movie more times than any other in theaters, up to the time of seeing our BBM.
I think it wasn't until going to graduate school in Washington that I finally found people as crazy about the movie as I was.
If there had been an Internet at the time, I expect I would have sought, and found, a Forum for 2001!
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That's an interesting story, Fritz. That's a movie which could sure provoke reactions, in various directions.
I remember that my father took the whole family (my mother, younger brother and sister, and myself) to see it when it was first showing, which you say was 1968, so I would have been in high school. My father really thought it was great. My mother found it so strange that she either walked out, or wanted to -- it's hard to remember the details now. My brother would have been very young, still in grade school, but he found something to appreciate about the special effects, although he was probably too young to look for "meaning."
I found it very strange and basically had the same reaction as your sister and your German professor. Bewildering! As I got older, I became aware that many other people really thought it was a great film. I've never tried watching it again (didn't really think I was up to trying to understanding it), but would probably appreciate it at least a little more now. But I would imagine that I would want a chance to talk it over with other people, too, to figure out, What was that about?
:D
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Exactly. Wanting to talk about it with people who were interested in it. Not only interested, but crazy about it. Just like Brokeback Mountain!
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I think it wasn't until going to graduate school in Washington that I finally found people as crazy about the movie as I was.
This movie grabbed hold of you in a big way and your love for it endured despite your not having found people to share the feelings with. This is interesting. I have movies like that too, pre and post BBM. Pre BBM it wouldn't have struck me to look for a forum though.
If there had been an Internet at the time, I expect I would have sought, and found, a Forum for 2001!
Now that there is an internet did you run into such a forum for 2001? How do you feel about the film now?
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I still like the film very much, and occasionally watch it on DVD. But since this Forum takes up so much of my free time :D I doubt that I'd go looking for such a discussion place for 2001.
I remember making note of HAL's birthday on 12 January 1992 at work. People barely knew what I was talking about! :D
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I think it wasn't until going to graduate school in Washington that I finally found people as crazy about the movie as I was.
This movie grabbed hold of you in a big way and your love for it endured despite your not having found people to share the feelings with. This is interesting. I have movies like that too, pre and post BBM. Pre BBM it wouldn't have struck me to look for a forum though.
I also have fims like that. It's very interesting, Fritz.Thank you for telling.
Before Brokeback Mountain I wouldn't look for a forum either.
Have you go looked for forums after being taken by films, Maya? I mean after Brokeback.... Not long ago I was really taken by a film and 'googled' it. But I couldn't find anything like our forum.
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I also have fims like that. It's very interesting, Fritz.Thank you for telling.
Before Brokeback Mountain I wouldn't look for a forum either.
Have you go looked for forums after being taken by films, Maya? I mean after Brokeback.... Not long ago I was really taken by a film and 'googled' it. But I couldn't find anything like our forum.
Actually no Mia. TheresaS (you will know her from Planet Heath) had a forum devoted to Candy which is a movie I love. I saw it only in summer 2008. Unfortunately many of the films I love are not released in India and I have to wait for DVD releases and some kind friend to send them from abroad. I am currently awaiting Milk and the postman seems to have "drunk" it up >:(
Which was this film you googled? Maybe I'd be interested in it?
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Which was this film you googled? Maybe I'd be interested in it?
Maybe you would.... :) :)
The Namesake, directed by Mira Nair, based upon the novel by Jhumpa Lahiri.
If you haven't yet seen it I suggest not to read anything about it before. They are marketing the film in a really strange way. Has nothing to do with the film.... If I'd read that before I would probably not have watched it....
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Maybe you would.... :) :)
The Namesake, directed by Mira Nair, based upon the novel by Jhumpa Lahiri.
If you haven't yet seen it I suggest not to read anything about it before. They are marketing the film in a really strange way. Has nothing to do with the film.... If I'd read that before I would probably not have watched it....
Yes I have seen the film. And read the story as well. There is quite a difference in treatment in the film.
I've seen it here on big screen. I do have some mixed feelings about it as I belong to the city where part of it takes place. But it has a lot of positives in terms of the way emotions are dealt with. Would love to talk if you'd like to. I've heard a range of opinions about it.
In just what way was it being marketed? Do share.
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Yes I have seen the film. And read the story as well. There is quite a difference in treatment in the film.
I've seen it here on big screen. I do have some mixed feelings about it as I belong to the city where part of it takes place. But it has a lot of positives in terms of the way emotions are dealt with. Would love to talk if you'd like to. I've heard a range of opinions about it.
In just what way was it being marketed? Do share.
I would love that too. This film made me feel really good. Made me relate to my grief in a good way. I'll pm you...
:-* :-* :-* :-*
Okay then. Here the film was marketed as a teenage film.... IMO that's about as stupid as to say Brokeback Mountain is a cowboy movie....
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I would love that too. This film made me feel really good. Made me relate to my grief in a good way. I'll pm you...
:-* :-* :-* :-*
Oh good I look forward.
Okay then. Here the film was marketed as a teenage film.... IMO that's about as stupid as to say Brokeback Mountain is a cowboy movie....
Teenage WHUT? :o :o It is even stupider than to say that.
:-* :-* :-*
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Hiya members of Brokeback Nation! I have taken a moment to write a little update today.
It has now been exactly three weeks since I first saw the movie that has totally changed my life. Although I am in a different place now mentally, than when I first saw it, I still feel BB’s haunting effect, which shows no sign of diminishing anytime soon. It seems like there are new members here every day, but I think I may be the first one in awhile who joined the discussions three years after the movie first came out, after seeing the movie for the very first time. Late to the party, indeed. Thanks for your welcome and patience.
Although three weeks have gone by, I still find myself crying my eyes out over Ennis and Jack every day. I can't drive anywhere with the radio playing, because every song I hear, regardless of whether it is romantic or not, (think- Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here” or U2’s “Vertigo”), reminds me of the boys and sends me bawling. Fortunately, meeting you funny, fine folks on this website has helped to stop the tears a bit. Crybaby newbies like me may want to visit your funny captions page or just take a trip though one of the Elements and Themes pages. Good Lord! - Remember when in English Literature class you had to write a 5 page paper about a skimpy William Blake poem? Remember how hard it was to come up with those paragraphs? Hey, when my kid has to write a lit paper, I’m sending him to Topic of the Week, Elements and Themes, or any of the Scene By Scene pages so he can get an idea about how a topic can be discussed to such great lengths! Those kinds of things cheer me up.
Last night I talked about the movie with a psychologist friend. She says this movie has found me now, when I’m finally ready to deal with resolving the unfinished ending of my relationship with a gay man 25 years ago. I haven't been ready until now. But after seeing the movie, I realize how that ending has left me scarred and hurt. I am now taking steps to contact him and find out how the story really ends. I can't stand it anymore, so I may be able to finally fix it, at least a little bit. Strangely enough, our relationship ended in the summer of ’83, just as our fictitious Ennis and Jack saw each other for the last time.
I have come a very long way in these three weeks. Maybe I'm not such a newbie anymore. Every day for the past 21 days, I am amazed by this movie and how it has already helped me to fix and stand things in my current relationship. It has made me realize that I love my partner so much more than I thought possible, and I appreciate the wonderful relationship that we have. I will never waste an opportunity to tell him and show him how much I love him. That is the power of seeing this tragic movie for the great love story it is. I think there is a little Ennis and Jack in all of us. We just need to work on making that ending a happy one. (Heck, if we can't do it in our real lives, there's always slash!)
XOXOX
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We just need to work on making that ending a happy one. (Heck, if we can't do it in our real lives, there's always slash!)
XOXOX
Dear Donna - thank you for your beautiful post summing up the past three weeks and what they meant to you. My best wishes that you may indeed succeed in making that a happy ending in RL.
:-*
-
We just need to work on making that ending a happy one. (Heck, if we can't do it in our real lives, there's always slash!)
XOXOX
Dear Donna - thank you for your beautiful post summing up the past three weeks and what they meant to you. My best wishes that you may indeed succeed in making that a happy ending in RL.
:-*
(((((((((((((((((((((( Donna )))))))))))))))))))
A warm thank you from me too for your post.
It's wonderful to have you here. And I don't think you're 'late to the party' at all.... I have only been here half as long as the first Brokies on this site. And new members join all the time. It's fantastic!
Wishing you all good!
:-*
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There's no such thing as late to this party!
-
Right time to spill a little i think
I 1st watched bbm 3 years ago and was devastated for 3 months after it,wondering why i was alone and why couldn't i have love in my life,well !
15 years ago my boyfriend who i loved with all my heart dumped me and since then i have built walls around my heart making me cold and unavailable not just to potential suitors but slowly towards friends.If they didn't get close to me i couldn't get hurt right?.I buried these feelings after bbm and carried on pretty much the way i was until last year when i realised that i couldn't go on like this. I sought out a therapist to help me overcome these feelings and to try and break down the walls but again i panicked at the thought of losing control and stopped going >:(
that was until last saturday evening when like Coz i watched bbm on terrestrial tv and those floodgates well and truely opened again.This time however i felt more hopeful after watching it,devastated again,yes but hopeful.I have again immersed myself in all things bbm but tomorow i will call my therapist and continue to see him until i'm ready to let somebody in ;D
I'm also changing different aspects of my lifestyle,going to learn to drive(need to if i'm going to Calgary)going to make more of an effort to socialise with my friends,smile more and spend more time with you guys.I do feel like i've come home(crying now)God where do we keep all of these tears?
I have to thank Ennis as i don't want to wake up in 20 years time thinking coulda,shoulda,woulda
and i want to thank you all for the kind words
love you all already and can't wait till we all meet up
Bunny xxxx
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Oh (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Gary ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Thank you so much for sharing this, for this post.
I do feel like i've come home(crying now)God where do we keep all of these tears?
It made me teary-eyed to read.
Here's to hope! And to friendship!
Love
Mia
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Donna and Bunny, how fantastic is it that you should both post such heartwarming and inspirational words today?
It will always be a wonder to me that our beloved story/movie should have such power over us, in all our diversities and variations and continue to do so. I would so love to be a fly on the wall of someone's home when they see the movie in twenty, thirty or who knows how many years time and go through the exact same reaction as us all here. Ok, the social and political climate will be different but I truly believe the state of man's hearts will remain the same and therefore open to the effects of BBM in all its glory. Wow!!
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Here's to hope! And to friendship!
To hope and friendship ;D
love Bunny/Gary
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Thank you Donna and Gary for both your wonderful and inspiring posts and for keeping us updated on your BBM story.
Yes, I too think that part of the magic of BBM is that it opens up old and long forgotten wounds, wounds that we often weren't even aware of, at least not on a conscious level. We have kept them in and down for such a long time, protecting them because they were so painful. But to a high cost.....
BBM rips the protecting layers away, and our hurt and pain is suddenly welling out beyond our control. And we cry our eyes out..... we cry over the movie and over everything that in even the faintest way reminds us of the movie, but what we really cry over is ourselves. Those tears are precious, they are the start of our healing.
The process is different for everyone of us, but you are surely not alone, we have all been there and know what you're going through at the moment.
Please stay with us here, and be a part of this forum, it's just as amazing as the film itself.
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Thanks from me, too, Donna and Gary. It was very inspiring to read your posts today.
Good luck to both of you.
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Gary, I've said this before here, we are all on a journey, isn't it nice to have travelling companions who understand us ;)
15 years of self punishment has come to an end ***waves flags and blows whistles*** welcome to a larger world :o
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Although three weeks have gone by, I still find myself crying my eyes out over Ennis and Jack every day. I can't drive anywhere with the radio playing, because every song I hear, regardless of whether it is romantic or not, (think- Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here” or U2’s “Vertigo”), reminds me of the boys and sends me bawling.
You need to stop listening to the radio and start playing the soundtrack all the time like a lot of us did :D
And "Meet Me on the Mountain" is a good choice too.
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Gary, I've said this before here, we are all on a journey, isn't it nice to have travelling companions who understand us ;)
What a wonderful way to put it Neil!! :-*
And sooooo true!
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Hiya members of Brokeback Nation! I have taken a moment to write a little update today.
It has now been exactly three weeks since I first saw the movie that has totally changed my life. Although I am in a different place now mentally, than when I first saw it, I still feel BB’s haunting effect, which shows no sign of diminishing anytime soon. It seems like there are new members here every day, but I think I may be the first one in awhile who joined the discussions three years after the movie first came out, after seeing the movie for the very first time. Late to the party, indeed. Thanks for your welcome and patience.
Although three weeks have gone by, I still find myself crying my eyes out over Ennis and Jack every day. I can't drive anywhere with the radio playing, because every song I hear, regardless of whether it is romantic or not, (think- Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here” or U2’s “Vertigo”), reminds me of the boys and sends me bawling. Fortunately, meeting you funny, fine folks on this website has helped to stop the tears a bit. Crybaby newbies like me may want to visit your funny captions page or just take a trip though one of the Elements and Themes pages. Good Lord! - Remember when in English Literature class you had to write a 5 page paper about a skimpy William Blake poem? Remember how hard it was to come up with those paragraphs? Hey, when my kid has to write a lit paper, I’m sending him to Topic of the Week, Elements and Themes, or any of the Scene By Scene pages so he can get an idea about how a topic can be discussed to such great lengths! Those kinds of things cheer me up.
Last night I talked about the movie with a psychologist friend. She says this movie has found me now, when I’m finally ready to deal with resolving the unfinished ending of my relationship with a gay man 25 years ago. I haven't been ready until now. But after seeing the movie, I realize how that ending has left me scarred and hurt. I am now taking steps to contact him and find out how the story really ends. I can't stand it anymore, so I may be able to finally fix it, at least a little bit. Strangely enough, our relationship ended in the summer of ’83, just as our fictitious Ennis and Jack saw each other for the last time.
I have come a very long way in these three weeks. Maybe I'm not such a newbie anymore. Every day for the past 21 days, I am amazed by this movie and how it has already helped me to fix and stand things in my current relationship. It has made me realize that I love my partner so much more than I thought possible, and I appreciate the wonderful relationship that we have. I will never waste an opportunity to tell him and show him how much I love him. That is the power of seeing this tragic movie for the great love story it is. I think there is a little Ennis and Jack in all of us. We just need to work on making that ending a happy one. (Heck, if we can't do it in our real lives, there's always slash!)
XOXOX
Right time to spill a little i think
I 1st watched bbm 3 years ago and was devastated for 3 months after it,wondering why i was alone and why couldn't i have love in my life,well !
15 years ago my boyfriend who i loved with all my heart dumped me and since then i have built walls around my heart making me cold and unavailable not just to potential suitors but slowly towards friends.If they didn't get close to me i couldn't get hurt right?.I buried these feelings after bbm and carried on pretty much the way i was until last year when i realised that i couldn't go on like this. I sought out a therapist to help me overcome these feelings and to try and break down the walls but again i panicked at the thought of losing control and stopped going >:(
that was until last saturday evening when like Coz i watched bbm on terrestrial tv and those floodgates well and truely opened again.This time however i felt more hopeful after watching it,devastated again,yes but hopeful.I have again immersed myself in all things bbm but tomorow i will call my therapist and continue to see him until i'm ready to let somebody in ;D
I'm also changing different aspects of my lifestyle,going to learn to drive(need to if i'm going to Calgary)going to make more of an effort to socialise with my friends,smile more and spend more time with you guys.I do feel like i've come home(crying now)God where do we keep all of these tears?
I have to thank Ennis as i don't want to wake up in 20 years time thinking coulda,shoulda,woulda
and i want to thank you all for the kind words
love you all already and can't wait till we all meet up
Bunny xxxx
You guys are wonderful.....my heart feels warm inside after reading your posts. I just can't tell you just how happy I am that you two are in a better place with yourselves...there's nothing better than this,is there.
I have to tell you....at times I still get down...over work,hardships,or whatever....and I come in here to just peek in...never expecting to read all this great stuff and when I do....it cheers me up inside and REMINDS me that life is what YOU make it....I guess I need reminders every now and then....after 3 years....after forever,I guess... :D..
My life has changed dramatically after viewing this movie...I'm thinking it's still changing..I'm not done yet. My way of thinking..my attitude... is forever changed. I haven't cried in awhile because of this movie and because I haven't watched it in well over a year...can't really see the entire movie anyway. And now that Heath is gone my tears will be even greater I'm sure. Lord.... ::)....my 14 yr old son has taken a great liking to guitar and Bass...and has taught himself many songs...I'm going to request that he learn Brokeback's theme....anything Brokeback...can you imagine?....Hell, maybe I'll teach myself as well...lol...talk about a basket-case....whewwwww ::)
But I just wanted to say thank you...to both of you....to ALL the newbies here.....thank you for making us "oldies" relive a few things....many of us say we're done....with our journeys...with our whatever's...I bet you we're not. ;)..so what if you're cry babies...let me tell you...we all are...and that's because we are "FEELING" my friends....back in the day when our walls were up...it took a lot for us to cry....not any more.....Brokeback's got us good....for my lifetime, me thinks!
Nellie
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thank you Neil and Nellie
you're damm right it's great to have companions along the way,for the journey i'm just setting out on ;D
and yes Nellie Brokeback got us good ;D
love Gary xxxx
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I LUV U Bunnytwist! ... and everyone else here too! :D
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it's only been a week since i stepped (somewhat tentatively) into this site, and boy am i glad that i did! with the benefit of a few more days' self reflection i'm glad to say that the BBM effect continues. somehow i feel a little more alive, a little more hopeful and a little more in tune with my emotions. you could say it's spring in the air (which may be part of it, i guess), but i'm attributing it to the warmth and empathy coming from this site and the chance to pick up so many good vibes from people who, in their own individual ways, were "got good" by BBM.
long may it continue, we're redlining to happier place.
oh, and another side effect, i'm peppering my conversations with phrases from the film, the vast bulk of which are lost on people. when i see recognition from someone i'll know i've got a soulmate!
best wishes to everyone,
coz.
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oh, and another side effect, i'm peppering my conversations with phrases from the film, the vast bulk of which are lost on people. when i see recognition from someone i'll know i've got a soulmate!
Oh, yes! ;D
I can remember doing that too.
Best wishes to you, Coz.
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it's only been a week since i stepped (somewhat tentatively) into this site, and boy am i glad that i did! with the benefit of a few more days' self reflection i'm glad to say that the BBM effect continues. somehow i feel a little more alive, a little more hopeful and a little more in tune with my emotions. you could say it's spring in the air (which may be part of it, i guess), but i'm attributing it to the warmth and empathy coming from this site and the chance to pick up so many good vibes from people who, in their own individual ways, were "got good" by BBM.
long may it continue, we're redlining to happier place.
oh, and another side effect, i'm peppering my conversations with phrases from the film, the vast bulk of which are lost on people. when i see recognition from someone i'll know i've got a soulmate!
best wishes to everyone,
coz.
Glad to see you Coz and that you are still getting that "feeling"!! That Brokie feeling. After 3+ years, it is still present in me, and many I know. Many things in my life remind me of what I have gotten from Brokeback and from the community here. Keep reading, keep sharing and know we are always open!!!
Linda
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oh, and another side effect, i'm peppering my conversations with phrases from the film, the vast bulk of which are lost on people. when i see recognition from someone i'll know i've got a soulmate!
You bet!
That's some high class entertainment.
Never enough side effects, never enough.
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It's amusing to see that other people like to use phrases from the film too. Not that we're trying to be exclusive, I think it's something that happens naturally, to internalise something so major into our psyche.
I'm famous for doing it with songs and other films too (hence the line at the bottom of this message!).
Best wishes to everyone.
Coz.
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it's only been a week since i stepped (somewhat tentatively) into this site, and boy am i glad that i did! with the benefit of a few more days' self reflection i'm glad to say that the BBM effect continues. somehow i feel a little more alive, a little more hopeful and a little more in tune with my emotions. you could say it's spring in the air (which may be part of it, i guess), but i'm attributing it to the warmth and empathy coming from this site and the chance to pick up so many good vibes from people who, in their own individual ways, were "got good" by BBM.
long may it continue, we're redlining to happier place.
oh, and another side effect, i'm peppering my conversations with phrases from the film, the vast bulk of which are lost on people. when i see recognition from someone i'll know i've got a soulmate!
best wishes to everyone,
coz.
Ah yes....Spring is in the air indeed...and in more ways than one...not only is it getting warmer out but all the new growth is sprouting out. You can sit down and feel VERY proud of yourself to know that YOU are one of them ,a new growth,a new beginning, the feeling of starting over and having that hope you say REALLY mean something this time...isn't it great?
Oh...and I LOVE your new avatar...SEE?...a closer and better you...love your smile!....now we gotta get Gary to get a close up of himself...:D
Nellie
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I can't remember who it was now, it was along time ago, but the lady concerned managed to work "you ranch stiffs ain't never no good," into a conversation with her husband! :D :D :D
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Oh...and I LOVE your new avatar...SEE?...a closer and better you...love your smile!....now we gotta get Gary to get a close up of himself...:D
Nellie
[/quote]
;D
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I've been wondering for quite a while about another film which, at least at the time, bowled me over as completely as BBM, and I think I finally remember that episode. I'm surprised it's taken this long to remember it.
I saw 2001: A Space Odyssey very shortly after its premiere,
For me too 2001 was groundbreaking.
Films I watched more than twice in theater:
2001
The Piano by Jane Campion
BBM
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Last night I talked about the movie with a psychologist friend. She says this movie has found me
I agree. I think we all, for different reasons, in different ways, were ready for this, only we did not know it yet.
A warm welcome from me too, donnab
Daniela (from Italy)
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I do feel like i've come home(crying now)God where do we keep all of these tears?
Welcome home
(great post)
Sending you a big hug
D
xxx
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when i see recognition from someone i'll know i've got a soulmate!
You found a bunch of soulmates here!
So happy to have you here, coz!!!
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hey mcnell,
thx for your kind comments re my avatar - call it the brokeback effect (again!) - i've been so used to keeping people at a distance that originally i didn't want to put a clearer pic of me up. thx also for the comment about the smile - i've been doing a little bit more of that recently .... lol
all the best,
c.x.
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Sounds like this place is a bit of al catharsis for you Coz. I'm so pleased. ;D
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yes Andy, this place is proving to be cathartic indeed. the positive vibes are jumping thru the screen. my poor wee laptop is at burnout ....
coz.
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yes Andy, this place is proving to be cathartic indeed. the positive vibes are jumping thru the screen. my poor wee laptop is at burnout ....
coz.
I'm so glad that's what you find here. I also found that when I came here, and it's been going on ever since.
Good to have you on board!
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It's soooo great to read posts like the ones from Coz, Gary, Donna......it shows that "our" film still affects people the way it affected us, and new friends will always find their way to us.
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It's soooo great to read posts like the ones from Coz, Gary, Donna......it shows that "our" film still affects people the way it affected us, and new friends will always find their way to us.
It warms my heart every time I see a post from a new member, someone just affected by Brokeback Mountain. Not just because the memories come back to me from when I first came here and was welcomed home.
It's so wonderful to meet new forum friends.
Love to you all!
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yes Andy, this place is proving to be cathartic indeed. the positive vibes are jumping thru the screen. my poor wee laptop is at burnout ....
coz.
I've been thru 2 computers since I joined this site...so watch out...ha ha ha !!! :D
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yes Andy, this place is proving to be cathartic indeed. the positive vibes are jumping thru the screen. my poor wee laptop is at burnout ....
coz.
I've been thru 2 computers since I joined this site...so watch out...ha ha ha !!! :D
Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha.....
Now I get why mine is becoming so slow....
:D :D :D
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yes Andy, this place is proving to be cathartic indeed. the positive vibes are jumping thru the screen. my poor wee laptop is at burnout ....
coz.
I've been thru 2 computers since I joined this site...so watch out...ha ha ha !!! :D
Linda almost killed her laptop too :o
I have 4 computers at home, so I split my time between them as much as possible.
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yes Andy, this place is proving to be cathartic indeed. the positive vibes are jumping thru the screen. my poor wee laptop is at burnout ....
coz.
I've been thru 2 computers since I joined this site...so watch out...ha ha ha !!! :D
Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha.....
Now I get why mine is becoming so slow....
:D :D :D
hahahahahha...we're insane!! :D
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yes Andy, this place is proving to be cathartic indeed. the positive vibes are jumping thru the screen. my poor wee laptop is at burnout ....
coz.
I've been thru 2 computers since I joined this site...so watch out...ha ha ha !!! :D
Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha.....
Now I get why mine is becoming so slow....
:D :D :D
hahahahahha...we're insane!! :D
I know....
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi215.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fcc19%2FJanssonmamma%2Fsmileys%2FLMAO_F.gif&hash=10283888030fb7276df21ca4273c0609768c44f4)
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We're Brokebackly insane. What a great way to be, huh? ;D ;D ;D
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We're Brokebackly insane. What a great way to be, huh? ;D ;D ;D
certainly is Andy ;D ;D ;D ;D
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We're Brokebackly insane. What a great way to be, huh? ;D ;D ;D
certainly is Andy ;D ;D ;D ;D
It sure is a good thing to be insane in this lovely company...
Instead of just by myself...
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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I need to be institutionalized! On a positive note, I actually slept for six continuous hours last night. This was the first time I have achieved such a feat since my first viewing of BBM, 26 days ago. Sure, I'm exhausted, but at least I'm here :D!
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way to go Donna ;D
it gets easier sweetheart and i never thought that i would be able to say that ;D
but here i am 3 years later :-\
no...it didn't take me 3 years(almost) after the heartbreak and total devastion that you feel right now comes a steely determination to change whatever you need to.Stick with it and this forum,it is an amazing journey and we're all at your side on it with you.
love you
Gary xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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I need to be institutionalized! On a positive note, I actually slept for six continuous hours last night. This was the first time I have achieved such a feat since my first viewing of BBM, 26 days ago. Sure, I'm exhausted, but at least I'm here :D!
YAY for you sleeping that much last night!!!!!
If you need to be institutionalized - so do I!!!!!!
But -as you say - at least we're here...
Lots of love!
Mia
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So.... apart from a Brokie hotel, a Brokie retreat, a Brokie/slash porn theatre, we need a Brokie asylum now do we? ;D ;D ;D ;D
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So.... apart from a Brokie hotel, a Brokie retreat, a Brokie/slash porn theatre, we need a Brokie asylum now do we? ;D ;D ;D ;D
Absolutely!
:D :D :D
Can we add a Brokie SPA to this?
;)
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So.... apart from a Brokie hotel, a Brokie retreat, a Brokie/slash porn theatre, we need a Brokie asylum now do we? ;D ;D ;D ;D
you forgot the brokie commune :D
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We're Brokebackly insane. What a great way to be, huh? ;D ;D ;D
The best!!!!!!!!!!!
:D :D :D
ETA: I love that word, Andy.........Brokebackly.......hmmmm......can be very useful in many contexts..... ;) :D
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I need to be institutionalized! On a positive note, I actually slept for six continuous hours last night. This was the first time I have achieved such a feat since my first viewing of BBM, 26 days ago. Sure, I'm exhausted, but at least I'm here :D!
Good for you Donna!!
You are already institutionalized.........the institution is right here!!
You won't be able to find a better one for the state you're in!! ;) :D
And better still......everyone in here is suffering from the same insanity as you!!!
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So.... apart from a Brokie hotel, a Brokie retreat, a Brokie/slash porn theatre, we need a Brokie asylum now do we? ;D ;D ;D ;D
It will all be covered by the Brokie commune we're planning...... ;) :D
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Sounds great (only problem - where would the next generation come from? ;D).
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Sounds great (only problem - where would the next generation come from? ;D).
We have already taken care of that ;D
Welcome Brokie Babies!
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi224.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fdd294%2Fstilllearning24%2Fwelcome20baby20boy20copy.jpg&hash=d16ae3c69b7c73690b3627255501b76892089233)
The Brokie Babies have all arrived happy and healthy –
congratulations to you and your families Elfie, Carbyville and Lfnanna.
| (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdavecullen.com%2Fbrokeback%2Fdaily%2Fformat%2Fplaceholder.gif&hash=476950888770fe942ed4961a5185c13c00f2173f) | (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi224.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fdd294%2Fstilllearning24%2Fits-a-boy.jpg&hash=5ddae58ca0bda0d77fef7db7f449a749697ca8c7) | (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdavecullen.com%2Fbrokeback%2Fdaily%2Fformat%2Fplaceholder.gif&hash=476950888770fe942ed4961a5185c13c00f2173f) | Carbyville (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?action=profile;u=3579) tells us, “My little guy was born January 15th at 6:47 pm,
his name is Elias. He was 9lbs 4oz and 21 inches long. He was 6 weeks
old as of Tuesday (2.26) and gets bigger by the day.” | (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdavecullen.com%2Fbrokeback%2Fdaily%2Fformat%2Fplaceholder.gif&hash=476950888770fe942ed4961a5185c13c00f2173f) |
| (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdavecullen.com%2Fbrokeback%2Fdaily%2Fformat%2Fplaceholder.gif&hash=476950888770fe942ed4961a5185c13c00f2173f) |
drifting_elfie’s (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?action=profile;u=4819) son kept Mommy waiting, he was born 10 days late –
but so worth the wait. His name is Karel Paul Benjamin and was born on Jan. 9, 2008.
Elfie tells us, “He's happy and healthy and I think his picture will testify to that.” | (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdavecullen.com%2Fbrokeback%2Fdaily%2Fformat%2Fplaceholder.gif&hash=476950888770fe942ed4961a5185c13c00f2173f) | (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi12.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa241%2Felfellon%2Fkarel%2Fkarel32.jpg&hash=ac1558904497fe8cd24a2d003a51765670983a5a) | (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdavecullen.com%2Fbrokeback%2Fdaily%2Fformat%2Fplaceholder.gif&hash=476950888770fe942ed4961a5185c13c00f2173f) |
| (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdavecullen.com%2Fbrokeback%2Fdaily%2Fformat%2Fplaceholder.gif&hash=476950888770fe942ed4961a5185c13c00f2173f) | (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi224.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fdd294%2Fstilllearning24%2FgirlSquare.jpg&hash=929c7477c2ee721b262ad21a051849ee248c1f4c) | (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdavecullen.com%2Fbrokeback%2Fdaily%2Fformat%2Fplaceholder.gif&hash=476950888770fe942ed4961a5185c13c00f2173f) |
Lfnanna’s (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?action=profile;u=3205) little bundle of joy arrived on Wednesday evening, February 27th.
Her daughter Matilda (a name chosen long ago)was snuggled in Mommy's arms
as Lfnanna tells us, "Parenthood is scary and amazing at the same time..." Both
mother and daughter are doing great! |
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=29225.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=29225.0)
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And isn't our dear Gres due any day soon?
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And isn't our dear Gres due any day soon?
I saw our Gres logged in a while ago. Her signature says 9 more days but I think it will be sooner :) :)
Just can't wait for the news. These are big family events for us!
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Howdy all
i'm struggling today as i watched bbm again last night and am currently listening to the soundtrack which i havn't been able to do before.
I can't stop the tears again,a love that will never grow old(just shoot me)
Gary x
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Oooh, you are a very brave bunnytwist for listening to the soundtrack! No wonder you are a wreck!
Somewhere in one of these threads, someone suggested that they wanted to learn to play the guitar so they could learn to play the soundtrack songs. Well, let me tell you! My son plays guitar and I will never consider buying him the sheet music! All I need to hear is the first three notes of that damn theme song and I'm bawling my eyes out!
So glad I'm not the only one, bunnytwist, now let's share a box of tissues....
Chin up!
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Thank's Donna
i don't feel like a brave bunnytwist,a soggy red eyed mess of a bunny yes.
i'm just so glad there are others out there like me who i can find comfort with.
as for those 1st 3 notes,don't even get me started with those.just humming them anywhere is enough to open the floodgates.
thank's for the support
Garyxx
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Lenny (bass51), Glenn (brokenokie) and I played Lenny's arrangement of "Wings" at the Oscar Night event in Bay City 2 years ago.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i4z-ZrU02KA&feature=channel_page (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i4z-ZrU02KA&feature=channel_page)
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Howdy all
i'm struggling today as i watched bbm again last night and am currently listening to the soundtrack which i havn't been able to do before.
I can't stop the tears again,a love that will never grow old(just shoot me)
Gary x
You choose ;D
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi591.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fss358%2Fyukichan5528%2Fbab491d0c80c2f7bfcc023b185a483a2.jpg&hash=8f097cd73f46b28f82ee7c3559e0967e597473f7) or (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi285.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fll56%2FKCC2008%2FKleenex.jpg&hash=4199c3e0311c79bb61d835f006b0eb7a5dcca90e)
I hope the exposure will make you stronger, don't let it defeat you.
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Howdy all
i'm struggling today as i watched bbm again last night and am currently listening to the soundtrack which i havn't been able to do before.
I can't stop the tears again,a love that will never grow old(just shoot me)
Gary x
Isn't it "Crazy" ?
Here's Trish (Jaysmommy) singing "Crazy" and "A Love That Will Never Grow Old"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTwzeEwDtsc&feature=channel_page (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTwzeEwDtsc&feature=channel_page)
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Thank's Neil
i will take the tissues thank's ;D
altough he's not bad looking with the gun ;D
x
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Lenny (bass51), Glenn (brokenokie) and I played Lenny's arrangement of "Wings" at the Oscar Night event in Bay City 2 years ago.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i4z-ZrU02KA&feature=channel_page (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i4z-ZrU02KA&feature=channel_page)
Great seeing (and hearing) you all, John - and Linda.
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John, why did you do that, now you'll have me in tears too!
Bwaaaaaaaah :'(
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John, why did you do that, now you'll have me in tears too!
Bwaaaaaaaah :'(
it's just my job :D
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi275.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fjj282%2FSanFranciscoJohn%2FBM_0651.jpg&hash=543bc7a4237d0b93812447bb72f2cde7cb14a9a8)
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Howdy all
i'm struggling today as i watched bbm again last night and am currently listening to the soundtrack which i havn't been able to do before.
I can't stop the tears again,a love that will never grow old(just shoot me)
Gary x
Isn't it "Crazy" ?
Here's Trish (Jaysmommy) singing "Crazy" and "A Love That Will Never Grow Old"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTwzeEwDtsc&feature=channel_page (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTwzeEwDtsc&feature=channel_page)
FANTASTIC ;D
thank's for that John.........................beautiful
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Donna, Gary, are you aware that there is a full sound track and not just the commercial release with a dozen or so tracks?
PM me. :)
Andy.
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Oh sure Andy! That's all we need after watching BCJ's videos... waaaah waaah........
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Oh sure Andy! That's all we need after watching BCJ's videos... waaaah waaah........
those videos were taken by Fritz (fritzkep)
I was too busy trying not to screw up on the piano and synthesizer :D
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Almost the entire concert is on YouTube, missing a section of King of the Road where I had to change tape. :-\
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Lenny (bass51), Glenn (brokenokie) and I played Lenny's arrangement of "Wings" at the Oscar Night event in Bay City 2 years ago.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i4z-ZrU02KA&feature=channel_page (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i4z-ZrU02KA&feature=channel_page)
OMG.....I haven't watched the film or listened to the soundtrack for some time now......that vid teared me up again.....
So don't feel you're alone Gary or Donna, this thing that grabbed hold of us just goes on and on......
Thanks for posting the link John, I hadn't seen it before.
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Yes, thanks very much, John. What a moving performance that was, and the presentation to Linda -- wow!
I have seen it before, but it was just like seeing it for the first time.
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Thanks Debbie
That concert was one of the best things to happen for me as a result of seeing Brokeback. It was the first time I played along with professional musicians and singers. Trish and Lenny really gave my confidence a big boost.
speaking of music...
Here's a video from the L.A. screening last August.
Meet Me on the Mountain - Shawn Kirchner and Ryan Harrison with Karen Harper and Jeanne Jolly.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwZY9MlXBek (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwZY9MlXBek)
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That is beautiful, too, John. Not only because of the music, but because Shawn talks about his own "Brokie fever" which led him to write those songs and create that CD. It's a good video to post in this thread where people are trying to share their experiences about how they were affected.
And on a personal note, I remember being there in that living room where the concert was held. On the video, you can get a sense of the audience: you can see one person's shoe and someone else's head, and hear a little sobbing. That concert was a highlight of the whole weekend last summer, for me, and this video brings it back so clearly.
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Donna, Gary, are you aware that there is a full sound track and not just the commercial release with a dozen or so tracks?
PM me. :)
Andy.
Yes Donna, Gary, Coz, all you new members, PM Andy, or PM me, the full soundtrack is superb and has many more tracks than the commercially available one. I never stop playing mine, and you definitely stop crying after the first 100 plays or so.................................
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thanks john... that evening ranks as one of the top 10 of my whole life, not an inconsiderable span.
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thanks john... that evening ranks as one of the top 10 of my whole life, not an inconsiderable span.
I have more videos from that recital. PM me if you would like to see them.
It's too bad Fritz didn't stay late and capture the jazz performance by Shawn and Ryan. That was outstanding.
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This is the first I'd heard about that, John! At the house? Yes, I'm very sorry I missed that.
It must have been really late!
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It's too bad Fritz didn't stay late and capture the jazz performance by Shawn and Ryan. That was outstanding.
Wow, I would have loved that, too!
But I was with some other people who were shuttling us back to the hotel, so we had to leave rather early.
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Do you think this is the BBM effect working?
Today I spent a couple of hours at my local garden centre and bought a load of plants - the first time in years that I've been able to appreciate the beauty of nature in all her glory? It was a beautiful sunny day, blue skies and everyone in great form because of the holidays. I came home, planted the plants and enjoyed being out in the garden.
Then I helped a lady by changing her tyre as she had a puncture by the side of the road - I just wanted to make a random act of kindness and it made me feel so good ....
Not sure what's going on with me at the minute, but I feel I'm turning into a better person (ok, I have along way to go - lol).
Coz.
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coz, i have been wanting to welcome you and the other recent arrivals, but i have been up to me eyeballs in madness for the past month, and just scooting in and out of the forum and didn't have the time to frame a proper thought... so welcome. you and you other newbies seem like family already, long lost relatives arriving after a fortuitous bit of information surfaced on your horizon.
i'd say you sound like a man who has had a weight lifted off your shoulders (or your soul) and needs to share that feeling. or perhaps you just have a heightened perception of the passing of the dark days of winter. i have had seasonal affect depression disorder for most of my life, and it has worsened with age. even though i live in a near tropical part of florida, this was a rough winter for me, and i JUST started to feel as if i could tackle the myriad chores and problems accumulated over the past couple years of stressful life situations beyond my control. and by golly i have been. the relief is palpable even if the work is exhausting.
have a ball!
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Good for you Coz!!
Glad to hear you're feeling so happy!!
Maybe it's the BBM effect, who knows......
Maybe you don't have to ponder upon it so much, just enjoy it!!!
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Glad to hear you're feeling better Jack!!!!
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Do you think this is the BBM effect working?
Definitely so.
;)
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Do you think this is the BBM effect working?
Today I spent a couple of hours at my local garden centre and bought a load of plants - the first time in years that I've been able to appreciate the beauty of nature in all her glory? It was a beautiful sunny day, blue skies and everyone in great form because of the holidays. I came home, planted the plants and enjoyed being out in the garden.
Then I helped a lady by changing her tyre as she had a puncture by the side of the road - I just wanted to make a random act of kindness and it made me feel so good ....
Not sure what's going on with me at the minute, but I feel I'm turning into a better person (ok, I have along way to go - lol).
Coz.
*must go to Northern Ireland and break down* ::)
Sounds like you are having a ball over there Coz, as long as you are enjoying it - keep doing it!!!
Sal ;D
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Hey Sal,
You're welcome in NI anytime, as are all other fellow Brokies - maybe we should aim to have a get together here. Now that really would be something else.
Wouldn't exactly say I'm "having a ball" yet, but perhaps the sun's starting to re-emerge, I don't want it to be a false dawn in that nothing ends up fundamentally changing. Early signs look a bit promising though, so who know's what the future holds for all of us?
Whatever, let's all enjoy the holiday season that's here now.
Love to everyone,
C.
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Hey Sal can you imagine an Irish get together - all that guinness ;D When do we book ;D Careful Coz, she's a bit of a handfull ::) **runs from Sal**
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for the record, i've heard that irish AA meetings are every bit as hilarious as irish pubs... and cheaper. they would have to be, look where they recruit their members from.
and neil is correct about sal.
(stands bravely up to sal...cuz i am an ocean away)
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and neil is correct about sal.
(stands bravely up to sal...cuz i am an ocean away)
Yes but she has a long reach, Jack!
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Coz
They all love me really - and I have spent time with all 3 of them.
Flying to NI is easy for me - Easy Jet from Stansted - no worries!!!!
Let us know where and when - and I promise to leave the girls covered up!!! (Unless you make me drink too much Guinness!!!!)
Sal >:D
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Do you think this is the BBM effect working?
Today I spent a couple of hours at my local garden centre and bought a load of plants - the first time in years that I've been able to appreciate the beauty of nature in all her glory? It was a beautiful sunny day, blue skies and everyone in great form because of the holidays. I came home, planted the plants and enjoyed being out in the garden.
Then I helped a lady by changing her tyre as she had a puncture by the side of the road - I just wanted to make a random act of kindness and it made me feel so good ....
Not sure what's going on with me at the minute, but I feel I'm turning into a better person (ok, I have along way to go - lol).
Coz.
Coz, you will find that so many things that happen in your life now will be colored by the BBM effect. It is just a part of you now, and it really does make things look and feel different. As time progresses you will realize it is not a false dawn, that it really has made a profound change in your life. Things have already fundamentally changed in that you are here and meeting us and taking into your life what you are reading and learning here. Putting yourself and who you are out here with us in a way you never thought of doing so in the past. For whatever reason, the movie and it's message helps us in this direction, still not sure why, but I quit asking and just went with it.
I have grabbed life with both hands now, never knowing what the future held, but just went out there and made those changes. One thing I knew for myself, is that I had to make the changes happen. I could not wait for "something" to happen, I had to make it so. Once the message of the movie took hold, and I found what I needed here, through reading and meeting folks and experiencing things like I never had in the past, I implemented what I hope is a continuous moving forward, whatever and wherever that will be.
Of course this has all been 3+ years in the making for me, so as you say, it is all so promising and going with whatever you allow for yourself is what is best for you. Thanks so much for being here and continuing to share with us all that you are experiencing.
Hugs,
Linda
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Coz
They all love me really - and I have spent time with all 3 of them.
Flying to NI is easy for me - Easy Jet from Stansted - no worries!!!!
Let us know where and when - and I promise to leave the girls covered up!!! (Unless you make me drink too much Guinness!!!!)
Sal >:D
Yes we do know about this, Sal!!!! ::) ::) ::)
And true (((((((((Sal)))))))))) we do love you!!!! :-*
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Couldn't have put it better Lindalovemelovemybrokies. (Your reply to Coz, that is.) :-* :-* :-*
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Yeah, Linda, I agree with Andy.
You have a way of talking about this that is just so......true and honest...... :-* :-* :-*
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Ditto Ditto Ditto loveyasomuch :-*
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I had a strange dream last night.
I was in an apartment in Los Angeles, and my old boyfriend Joe was there. I don't remember ever having a dream about Joe.
There were a few other people there, and I didn't recognize any of them but I perceived one of them to be Joe's sister who I never met.
Nobody seemed to notice that I was there.
Joe was in a really bad mood, and complaining about all sorts of things. It was very much out of character for him.
His sister said "It's the medication"
Eventually everyone else left and Joe sat down on the couch, looked at me with a big smile and said "Hey, where you been" ?
I joined him on the couch and it was so real. Even the scent of his hair.
Picture the motel scene from Brokeback. I was holding Joe just like Jack held Ennis, but Joe's hair was more like Jack's. It's not the first time Brokeback has entered my dreams.
I suddenly realized that something wasn't right. Joe was dead. He died of Aids years ago.
I asked him what the date was, and he said June 9. Then I asked him what year it was. 1995.
I started crying and said "I can't fix it", because I realized there was nothing I could do. He was going to die in less than a month.
That's when I woke up.
I wasn't with Joe in L.A. when he got sick. We had broken up back in 1980. I guess I always felt guilty because I wasn't there to help take care of him as well as other friends.
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Hugs John
Sal :-*
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(((((((((((( John ))))))))))))
I hope having the dream will lessen your feeling of guilt. You were right in the dream, you couldn't fix it....
If he had good friends taking care of him, maybe that was enough for him. You shouldn't have to feel guilty about it.
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((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( John ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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((((((((((((((((((((((John))))))))))))))))))))))
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((John)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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You're welcome in NI anytime, as are all other fellow Brokies - maybe we should aim to have a get together here. Now that really would be something else.
Sounds good to me :D ;D ;D :D
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See you at Stansted, Chris!
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wow John......that sounds like one hell of a dream. I hope you have some sort of peace after it.
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Thanks for the hugs everyone.
Yes Chuck, I'm fine today. Actually in a better mood than I have been in months. Must be the new drugs.
I think the dream helped. I didn't mention it earlier, but I also told Joe "I'm sorry". You would have had to listen really close to hear it though.
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I think the dream helped. I didn't mention it earlier, but I also told Joe "I'm sorry". You would have had to listen really close to hear it though.
((((((((((John))))))))
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I think the dream helped. I didn't mention it earlier, but I also told Joe "I'm sorry". You would have had to listen really close to hear it though.
((((((((((John))))))))
((((John)))))
your dream struck a chord.....
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Dreams of one's first great love, one's first great loss are so painful, so sweet. But mine doesn't come hardly at all since Brokeback. Yet I know he's there.
-
((((((((((((((((((((((John))))))))))))))))))))))
So much clarity in your dream, so many details! I'm glad it left you feeling better. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
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Love to John xxx
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hi folks,
I've been spending some time recently looking at alternative endings to BBM that some people have posted on youtube and I was wondering if anyone had any views on them. Whilst I don't doubt their technical brilliance and in some cases they made me smile, they left me feeling a bit uncomfortable for some reason. At the back of my mind I feel the actual ending is the "proper" one - a kind of fatalism that it HAD to be the way it was. An alternative ending, whilst happier, would not have had the same impact and ripple effect we all have come to experience, and I think that's the strength of the film.
Does anyone else feel the same, or I am being unduly macabre and pessimistic?
Regards,
C.
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I feel the same about the film ending... Have never seen any videos with alternative ones....
I remember, though, how I used to stop the film when they were happy as I saw it again and again.
It was kind of healing when the impact of Brokeback Mountain was new to me.
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Hi Coz
I also think that the profound and devastating impact of the film is, at least partially, due to the tragic ending of it. With a happier
ending it wouldn't have been that mind blowing experience that it is.
However, some of us just couldn't stand the ending, and took to slash. There is a huge amount of excellent slash written with a
happy ending for our boys. Reading it provided solace and healing when we just couldn't stand it any more, the grief and sadness
being too much to bear.
There is also slash without happy ending, but that's a different story......(no pun intended)
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Hi Coz,
I have never seen an alternative ending video. That seems like it would be weird. I agree with you that it would take you away from the overall experience that made the movie resonate with you in the first place. I like reading alternative endings though. Some of them are quite rich. I don't think it's quite the same as a video. :)
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I made an alternate ending video a couple of years ago.
My main reason for doing this was to experiment with overdubbing using my software.
It didn't start out to be an alternate, it just kinda happened.
You might need to turn the volume up a bit on this.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8125341902068184287 (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8125341902068184287)
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Do you think this is the BBM effect working?
Today I spent a couple of hours at my local garden centre and bought a load of plants - the first time in years that I've been able to appreciate the beauty of nature in all her glory? It was a beautiful sunny day, blue skies and everyone in great form because of the holidays. I came home, planted the plants and enjoyed being out in the garden.
Then I helped a lady by changing her tyre as she had a puncture by the side of the road - I just wanted to make a random act of kindness and it made me feel so good ....
Not sure what's going on with me at the minute, but I feel I'm turning into a better person (ok, I have along way to go - lol).
Coz.
Ah yes......you're hooked! lol :D
I gotta tell you....I've always been nice....well um.....so so....lol.....and after the movie my wires in my head turned to new directions....I smile all the time, hold my head up when walking...the confidence I have in myself is really good....I still have work to do...at times I hit a "downer" and go back to my old ways but it never lasts too long. I"m hoping after a while longer I will NEVER go back to those dark times. It takes work...and like most of what we do...it ALWAYS takes work...whether a job, marriage, or anything else....it just takes work. I can't stress that enough. So many people give up...but you can't. It's worth it...you gotta live your life NOW, be that better person NOW.
Helping one person fix their tire will instill something in her head, she'll go back and do something nice to someone else and off the cycle goes....you know?...it's a wonderful feeling to be nice...to help. To smile to a grouch...believe me...where I work we have tons of people coming in and looking for something...that frown on their faces...they see a smile and it all changes....sometimes.....lol. Just take that gamble...ha ha ha...
I also have to say that when that time comes where you feel down and grumpy...you start feeling sorry for yourself. You come in here and read some things people are thinking and saying....you get that PM from a special someone or from people you don't even know or know too well....man...your heart swells....you feel so humble. That smile creeps up on your face...you take that deep breath and think....it's going to be okay. Tomorrow is another day and it will be better.
Don't forget...God has plans for us all..... ;D
Nellie
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I made an alternate ending video a couple of years ago.
My main reason for doing this was to experiment with overdubbing using my software.
It didn't start out to be an alternate, it just kinda happened.
You might need to turn the volume up a bit on this.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8125341902068184287 (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8125341902068184287)
Oh, that was good John!!
I've never seen any alternative endings before, just read about them.... :)
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Oh, that was good John!!
I've never seen any alternative endings before, just read about them.... :)
Thank you!
You should see the original video. Much better quality. It looks great on a big screen.
It was fun putting this one together. I thought about doing the whole film in amimation but that could take years.
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Ok
This one only works if you know the musical "Brigadoon"
The HEATH-er on the Hill
I made this one in 2007.
It is a little unusual, some call it bizarre. :o
This was an experiment in lip synching to a song.
Don't forget, I warned you :o
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pASMzNBLajc (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pASMzNBLajc)
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I don't know that musical, so I can't really say anything about the content.....
Liked the graphics though, and it works well with the music.
I liked the closure when they ride off together..... if only.... :-\
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I liked the closure when they ride off together..... if only.... :-\
All of my BBM animations end that way :D
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I liked the closure when they ride off together..... if only.... :-\
All of my BBM animations end that way :D
I can see why...... ;)
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Hiya Coz!
I agree with the sentiment here that the original ending is just what is needed.....it gave the short story and movie the emotional punch that affected us all.
People reacti to different things in different ways. I think they made the alternate endings to remind them of the happy things that life can bring.
My life has been different, and for the better, because of the movie, and I wouldn't change a thing. The devastation the film gave me, was what fueled me to find other people who were just as affected as I.
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while the film gave me the visual impact of two young men scoping each other out (i will never forget jake as jack eying heath/ennis in front of aguirre's office and in later scenes up on the mountain) it was the novella /short story that undid me. the complete surrender to dreams of the love lost and alcoholic anesthesia as day after crushing day unspooled was a wake up call like no other. and having lived through two ennis's in my long life, the ache was palpable, and the opportunity to connect with others who could identify with the story and its messages, rather than the craftsmanship of the film was irresistable and inspiring.
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People reacti to different things in different ways. I think they made the alternate endings to remind them of the happy things that life can bring.
I made my alternate endings just for fun.
I would never call them "art" or present them as anything serious.
For a serious work of art like Brokeback Mountain, the author and screenwriters cannot be improved upon.
I do a lot of improvisation on Santaolalla's music too, but again it's just for fun.
It's all inspiring stuff and I enjoy playing with it. I've also learned a lot about writing, filmmaking, and film scoring from this movie. Stuff I would have loved to learn in college if I hadn't listened to everyone around me telling me I wasn't good enough or I should choose something more stable like accounting or auto mechanics.
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Thank you!
You should see the original video. Much better quality. It looks great on a big screen.
Is it available somewhere John - I'd love to see it. What software did you use?
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Is it available somewhere John - I'd love to see it. What software did you use?
No, but it can be made available I guess.
Software:
Ulead Video Studio www.ulead.com (http://www.ulead.com)
The Movies http://www.lionhead.com/themovies/ (http://www.lionhead.com/themovies/)
Wavelab http://www.steinberg.net/en/products/audioediting_product.html (http://www.steinberg.net/en/products/audioediting_product.html)
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No, but it can be made available I guess.
Make it, DO :) :) :)
Software:
Ulead Video Studio www.ulead.com (http://www.ulead.com)
The Movies http://www.lionhead.com/themovies/ (http://www.lionhead.com/themovies/)
Wavelab http://www.steinberg.net/en/products/audioediting_product.html (http://www.steinberg.net/en/products/audioediting_product.html)
Thank you!!!!!!!
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Brokeback Alternate Ending High Quality
This is a 145MB wmv file.
http://bbmfoundation.org/music/Brokeback Mountain 3.wmv (http://bbmfoundation.org/music/Brokeback Mountain 3.wmv)
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Off to download ;D ;D
ETA : Just watched it. It's fabulous!
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John! You are an old romantic, and a very clever old romantic too. That was lovely!
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hi folks,
I've been spending some time recently looking at alternative endings to BBM that some people have posted on youtube and I was wondering if anyone had any views on them. Whilst I don't doubt their technical brilliance and in some cases they made me smile, they left me feeling a bit uncomfortable for some reason. At the back of my mind I feel the actual ending is the "proper" one - a kind of fatalism that it HAD to be the way it was. An alternative ending, whilst happier, would not have had the same impact and ripple effect we all have come to experience, and I think that's the strength of the film.
Does anyone else feel the same, or I am being unduly macabre and pessimistic?
Regards,
C.
It wouldn't be Brokeback if it ended any other way, nor do I think it would have the impact that it has on us and many others. Annie Proulx is a genius writer.
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I agree with Nax. It was the way the movie played out that brought us all to this point. If it had a happy ending, (cute animated happy alternate ending, by the way, John!), the story would not have had such an impact. Even in "Titanic," although tragic, you get the warm fuzzies that their love is still alive after many years of Jack being dead. You can "go on" happily. After BBM, fuggedaboutit, you're a goner! Waah, waah....
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“Would audiences have left West Side Story or Dr. Zhivago happier if the endings of those movies had been? Would Brokeback Mountain have had half its power if its two cowboys had suddenly just decided to ride off together, and open a bed-and-breakfast in Portland?
“Great romances give us sensuality, melodrama, magic. Isn’t it too much to require that they give us chipper, everything-works-out endings as well? Why ask for the moon, when the stars they give us are so satisfying -- and so beautifully, tragically sad?”
http://www.nj.com/entertainment/tv/index.ssf/2008/11/australia_gets_a_happy_ending.html (http://www.nj.com/entertainment/tv/index.ssf/2008/11/australia_gets_a_happy_ending.html)
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^^^^^^
Good points in that article.
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Well, today has been exactly one month since I saw BBM for the first time. I found this website one week later. I don't have time to say too much about ""How Brokeback Affected Me" anymore. I'm too busy updating my LJ, contacting old friends, and cracking people up in LeBar! OMG, I'm over 100 posts!
Luv 2 you all!
I'm a goner!
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Congrats on your one month anniversary, and your 100 posts!
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Follow your bliss and eventually arrive at that happier me, happier you place where we all deserve to live.
Exactly right fofol! You get to decide what makes you happy (and no one else can tell you if you've found the right thing) and when you figure it out the thing to do is go for it.
Here's to finding your own Brokeback!
Thanks Michael - I have found it. I've lost 60 lbs over the last year, only a few pounds to go, and I'm even getting smarter... : :o, and I blame Ennis and Jack.
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Happy one month anniversary Donna! ;)
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Well, today has been exactly one month since I saw BBM for the first time. I found this website one week later. I don't have time to say too much about ""How Brokeback Affected Me" anymore. I'm too busy updating my LJ, contacting old friends, and cracking people up in LeBar! OMG, I'm over 100 posts!
Luv 2 you all!
I'm a goner!
Certainly sounds like it..... ;D
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“Would audiences have left West Side Story or Dr. Zhivago happier if the endings of those movies had been? Would Brokeback Mountain have had half its power if its two cowboys had suddenly just decided to ride off together, and open a bed-and-breakfast in Portland?
“Great romances give us sensuality, melodrama, magic. Isn’t it too much to require that they give us chipper, everything-works-out endings as well? Why ask for the moon, when the stars they give us are so satisfying -- and so beautifully, tragically sad?”
Good point -- although to be fair, these were YouTube fantasies, not anyone's magnum opus.
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I just speak for myself: the short story, enhanced by the movie, had such a severe impact on me because of the sad ending.
Still ... for my own mental health I fantasized a happy ending.
For the time being I will stick to that.
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Howdy guys
sorry it's been a while,i have been a very busy Bunny recently and not been online.
just wanted to say hi to y'all
hope everyone is as well as they can be.The BBM effect is still working it's magic ;D
p.s my new profile pic :-\ i'm smiling on the inside(honest)
love you all
Gary xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Hi all...
I just finished watching our movie for the 100th time (or so) on DVD.
Gotta say that this was the first time I've watched it since Heath's death... and wasn't affected by his passing. It was like watching it like the days before he left us.
We all miss you Heath, so very much, but really you do live on in Brokeback Mountain.
Thank you again, Heath for changing the world...
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^^^^^
I know what you mean, Rob. The trouble is, is still hurts so much whether it's Heath or Ennis. I hardly ever watch, or read, right through now - just parts of it sometimes for Topic of the Week etc.
No, that's not true - we watched the film at Andy's last month. I was reluctant to, but he said it was an experience I should have, watching it for the first time with other Brokies, and he was right. I didn't cry, possibly because I thought I would, but there was something very special about it.
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Howdy guys
sorry it's been a while,i have been a very busy Bunny recently and not been online.
just wanted to say hi to y'all
hope everyone is as well as they can be.The BBM effect is still working it's magic ;D
p.s my new profile pic :-\ i'm smiling on the inside(honest)
love you all
Gary xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hello from Devon, Gary - must have missed your arrival :).
Sara
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p.s my new profile pic :-\ i'm smiling on the inside(honest)
love you all
Gary xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
hmmmm.... .okay,I believe you ;D
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In reply to the ending of the story/film >. As I think I have stated in another thread if it hadn't ended the way it did it would have gone into film history as a "Quirky" cowboy movie.and people like us would not be so obsessed and in love with it as we are. Lives have been changed by it, it's thought provoking and I think once you have seen it, makes you a better person, more tolerant. Although heartbreaking the ending was the right one , no matter how much we would have like to see Jack and Ennis together for ever.
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Thank you again, Heath for changing the world...
So true.....
There are no words for the hugeness of it all, really.....
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No, that's not true - we watched the film at Andy's last month. I was reluctant to, but he said it was an experience I should have, watching it for the first time with other Brokies, and he was right. I didn't cry, possibly because I thought I would, but there was something very special about it.
Yes, there was, and I'm glad you decided to watch it with us! :-*
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Yes so glad you watched it Cally. It may take a few days or weeks for the full effect to take place ...but it will. It will fill you with joy some days ..and some days,,,an over whelming sadness will envelop you.Sometimes the feeling can pull you up short and you have to take a deep breath. Just a film??? Don't under estimate it.
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Yes so glad you watched it Cally. It may take a few days or weeks for the full effect to take place ...but it will. It will fill you with joy some days ..and some days,,,an over whelming sadness will envelop you.Sometimes the feeling can pull you up short and you have to take a deep breath. Just a film??? Don't under estimate it.
Suelyblu, thanks for writing that, but don't worry, the full effect hit me - I think it's 10 months ago - strangely not the first time I saw it, when the dvd came out, but the second. I recorded it from the television and watched over and over. I reckon I then got every symptom known to straight woman :).
BTW, yesterday a large parcel arrived for me and my husband said, "Must be from Brokies Anonymous." (It was something very boring) :D.
ETA Suelyblu - just realised that my original post about watching it for the first time with Brokies was ambiguous. Sorry, and thank you anyway for your lovely reply.
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No, that's not true - we watched the film at Andy's last month. I was reluctant to, but he said it was an experience I should have, watching it for the first time with other Brokies, and he was right. I didn't cry, possibly because I thought I would, but there was something very special about it.
Yes, there was, and I'm glad you decided to watch it with us! :-*
I think I'll always remember it :-*.
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There isn't a day goes by when the effects of this movie don't step in somehow and add a dimension to not only the profound but the simple things that I/we encounter or just 'feel'. For as long as we have breath, I suppose those effects will continue to work in us which seems to me exactly how it should be. I wouldn't want to be without it nor the benefits of seeing it work its magic in others, many of whom I've had the very great pleasure of meeting. <<<<< You know who you are!! >:D ;D ;D>>>>>
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There isn't a day goes by when the effects of this movie don't step in somehow and add a dimension to not only the profound but the simple things that I/we encounter or just 'feel'. For as long as we have breath, I suppose those effects will continue to work in us which seems to me exactly how it should be.
Sigh... why is that? I mean, why 'us'? We are all from different backgrounds, countries, etc... What is this ineffable common thread that makes this movie/story so meaningful to us -and not 'everyone'?
PS: Hi Andy!
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Good morning from Chicago ;D
Sitting here trying to catch up on the latest posts, PM's....deleting some old stuff...trying to be a good Forum member and getting rid of some old PM's and all...reading some of them brought me back again....it comes and goes but when reading these nice notes / thoughts from you all just gives me this warm fuzzy feeling inside. It doesn't matter how silly they are or even if it's a one-liner say "hello"....the thought that someone from another state or country is thinking about me is something I still can't explain. No one in my family or even the very few friends I did tell can't understand. I suppose they will never know.
I've been doing some "Spring" cleaning around the house....in my entertainment center I stored all of my Brokeback stuff....some things given to me from the Texas BBQ...the two beer bottles with Jack and Ennis' picture on them...that cute little stuffed sheep Linda gave me...bandannas....*sigh*.....my thoughts drift back to that year 2006. I can't seem to take those items and store them...I can't understand how silly I can be to think that if I store them in a safe place that I'm putting it behind me now...."forgetting" it all.... well, I won't...it's a big part of me now.
Every day goes by and something will creep up that will remind me of our movie. Someone will pass me by that will remind me of someone I met from this Forum. There's this nice lady at the Jewel that looks so much like Jackie...I always look for her and wait in line..There's always "something" and it makes me smile. It's my little secret I guess. Even my crazy ass husband will still tease me and mention something Brokeback to me. A mountain, a cowboy riding a horse..."Oh look, your Brokeback buddies are saying hi"....hmmmmm.....some days I get pissed at him....but other days I smile privately..you will never know and understand my sweet husband of mine....the gift I received that has changed my life forever...is all mine...no one can "get it" and no one can take it away from me.
My dear friends.....some days my heart feels so heavy...knowing that some of us have past to the "after life"...knowing they are in a better place...but still. Knowing that so many of us have left this Forum...so many of us have moved on and hardly keep in touch....but every so often the memory creeps up...or you get that unexpected e-mail or PM...your heart flutters...you remember the voice,you remember that smile,you remember that raw feeling of when this Forum started and our movie "struck" us ...that gut wrenching feeling so many of us had....the constant crying fits, the why me questions...wanting the answers NOW...staying on line for hours at a time...not sleeping...not eating...laughing because we were all losing weight....ha ha ha...no more snacking in front of the TV we were all too busy typing our little hearts out in the Affected Me threads...or the Diner...we were OBSESSED in all about Brokeback. Ahhhh....yes it all comes back....
I can never explain why this movie affected so many and none at all....why some gays and straights thought this movie was boring and just didn't "get it"....Lord, how can you justify that?...we come from all over the globe....we all have our stories...we all came from different religious backgrounds...one thing we all have in common I believe...is that we all wanted "something"...we all needed that something...we lacked...we wanted to change....some of us were tired of our old relationships...some had none...some wanted better jobs...all of us wanted to better ourselves...we didn't want to wait until it was too late. We all wanted that freedom to be ourselves...to get rid of our terrible pasts and let go...to start a journey somewhere towards a positive attitude. We wanted to help and lead...to smile more....live your life as if today was your last day....saying "I love you's more often...hugging your kids more....shit...I can go on and on...
I've said this a hundred times man....I have no regrets anymore..I'm glad I went thru all this...and let me tell you, lots of it wasn't pretty...having my past thrown in my face...having many discussions that felt like I was being thrown under the bus....feeling as if I was going to lose some of my friends in here because of it...almost getting divorced and admitting to my husband I needed some work. Well, he did too...it brought us closer. Losing my job of 17 yrs because of this obsession....well, not all was in fault, but it made it worse. Still, no regrets...It is what it is and was...I've let go and moved on....my walls have crumbled and I'm ready to continue ...
I enjoy coming here still and seeing all these new faces....yeah lots of us "oldies" don't have the time any more to meet and greet you all....I'm sorry...but soon you "newbies" will understand and move on as well....I hope this Forum will still be here...some days I wonder what will become of all this...Dave Cullen has moved on to his career and book..he needs us for "spreading" the word anyway....we ain't going anywhere...right?.. ;)....the best of luck to you Dave!!
I will say again and again how blessed I feel right now to know so many of you fine folks from all over the world. I wish you much happiness...I know so many of us still have some work to do with our inner selves...I still do. I'm not lying...Good Lord, some days I feel sorry for myself and argue with myself...how pitiful is that?...lol..my answer to that is that some days you will feel that way....don't kick yourself for it...Jesus man...it's normal...every human being does it...you just have to snap out of it and learn...tell yourself.."why do I get this way and how can I change it?"....
I've been known to come in here once in a blue moon and spill my heart out...it's part of my therapy to myself...I always say thank you for allowing me to "vent" in here....cuz let me tell you...if it weren't for you people...I would be in a padded cell somewheres...bwahahaha :D...well, you know what I mean....no therapy and money spent will do what this Forum has done for me....you guys are part of my soul....what I read in here I FEEL....I do understand and I thank you from the bottom of my Rican heart.
My prayers are always with you included...just know that...seriously. Please be true to yourselves and remember, God has plans for us....good ones.
your friend
Nellie
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No, that's not true - we watched the film at Andy's last month. I was reluctant to, but he said it was an experience I should have, watching it for the first time with other Brokies, and he was right. I didn't cry, possibly because I thought I would, but there was something very special about it.
Yes, there was, and I'm glad you decided to watch it with us! :-*
I think I'll always remember it :-*.
I will too.
It was a very special viewing, and the talks we had about it. :-*
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There isn't a day goes by when the effects of this movie don't step in somehow and add a dimension to not only the profound but the simple things that I/we encounter or just 'feel'. For as long as we have breath, I suppose those effects will continue to work in us which seems to me exactly how it should be. I wouldn't want to be without it nor the benefits of seeing it work its magic in others, many of whom I've had the very great pleasure of meeting. <<<<< You know who you are!! >:D ;D ;D>>>>>
:-* :-* :-*
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Nellie, I so wish we had been able to meet up that time I lay over in Chicago but it wasn't meant to be. :'(
I feel rather bereft of my ability to globe trot and catch up with you all around the world. It was a very great privilege to have been able to do so but I'm very happy being retired! ;D More time to devote to our boys and the whole shebang that is Brokeback Mountain.
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...
I've been known to come in here once in a blue moon and spill my heart out...it's part of my therapy to myself...I always say thank you for allowing me to "vent" in here....cuz let me tell you...if it weren't for you people...I would be in a padded cell somewheres...bwahahaha :D...well, you know what I mean....no therapy and money spent will do what this Forum has done for me....you guys are part of my soul....what I read in here I FEEL....I do understand and I thank you from the bottom of my Rican heart.
....
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Nellie )))))))))))))))))))))))))
Once again - thank youfor coming here 'venting'... I love your posts in this thread. Now as I always have...
If it wasn't for you and all my other kindred spirit Brokie's who knows where I've been. As for you still so much to do... Guess that will just go on... But without this 'thing' Brokeback Mountain brought to me and you guys... I just don't know....
Here's to keeping on coming here, to being true and to really connect, with old and new friends.
Much love
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Your friend Mia
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We wanted to help and lead...to smile more....
And you have done this beautifully ((((((Nellie)))))))
Good Lord, some days I feel sorry for myself and argue with myself...how pitiful is that?...lol..my answer to that is that some days you will feel that way....don't kick yourself for it...Jesus man...it's normal...every human being does it...you just have to snap out of it and learn...tell yourself.."why do I get this way and how can I change it?"....
Wise wise words.
My prayers are always with you included...just know that...seriously. Please be true to yourselves and remember, God has plans for us....good ones.
your friend
Nellie
I took these words to bed with me last night and they helped me to get through another tough night in RL.
Thank you Nellie :-* :-* :-*
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{{{{{Nellie}}}}}
Sal :-*
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Nellie, thank you for spilling your heart out. Seeing into people's hearts is one of the wonderful things about this forum.
Sara
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My prayers are always with you included...just know that...seriously. Please be true to yourselves and remember, God has plans for us....good ones.
your friend
Nellie
I took these words to bed with me last night and they helped me to get through another tough night in RL.
Thank you Nellie :-* :-* :-*
I'm sorry you are having a rough time,hon. But I'm glad I was able to help just a little. Big (((hugs))) to you! :-*
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Sending my love and best of vibes your way
Thinking about you very much
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
(((((((((((((((((((((((((( Maya )))))))))))))))))))))))
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Nice to wake up to these posts.
((((((((((Nellie)))))))) thank you again. I must tell you that after a gruelling day, I slept off soundly and am feeling refreshed on waking. There are these times when I see Jackie's smiling face and it centers me. I remember my first encounter with Jackie in action on youtube. The two of you were greeting each other for the first time in person at a Brokie meet. I don't know if the video is still available.
(((((((((((((Mia)))))))))))))) the vibes are helping immensely, helping me to think clearly.
And a hug to ((((((((((Andy)))))))))) for phoning me last night and cheering me up. Stay in touch Andy!
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((((((((((Nellie)))))))) thank you again. I must tell you that after a gruelling day, I slept off soundly and am feeling refreshed on waking. There are these times when I see Jackie's smiling face and it centers me. I remember my first encounter with Jackie in action on youtube. The two of you were greeting each other for the first time in person at a Brokie meet. I don't know if the video is still available.
(((((Maya)))))
That was at the Slash Bash in Chicago in 2006.
I think I deleted that video last year, but I will upload it again. I'll send a pm when it's ready.
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(((((Maya)))))
That was at the Slash Bash in Chicago in 2006.
I think I deleted that video last year, but I will upload it again. I'll send a pm when it's ready.
(((((((((John)))))))) I will be overjoyed to see that. Watching those two is like having a playful wave come in from the ocean and grab you.
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I hope this is the right video.
Welcome to the Slash Bash
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gltsuymxGBM (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gltsuymxGBM)
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I deleted a lot of videos last year.
It was during the days following the loss of Heath and Jackie. I was planning on deleting everything to do with Brokeback Mountain and the forum, and then I was going to delete my account here on the forum and disappear.
I didn't get very far.
I was lucky to have the support of a lot of people here during that time. I got a lot of PM's when people read my posts and saw that I was having a meltdown.
I don't know if I thanked everyone at the time. There was just too much going on.
Thank you everyone!
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Here's another one I just restored.
Message from Lolita
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-qkj84t83A (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-qkj84t83A)
Lolita sent us a message from Australia, talking about how the movie and the forum affected her.
Trish read the message.
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I deleted a lot of videos last year.
It was during the days following the loss of Heath and Jackie. I was planning on deleting everything to do with Brokeback Mountain and the forum, and then I was going to delete my account here on the forum and disappear.
I didn't get very far.
Thank goodness you hung in there
I was lucky to have the support of a lot of people here during that time. I got a lot of PM's when people read my posts and saw that I was having a meltdown.
I don't know if I thanked everyone at the time. There was just too much going on.
Thank you everyone!
Thank you John :-* I have our pm exchanges saved.
And I'm happy to see the return of the video. It is indeed the right one. I can't believe I'd never met Jackie. It's almost like I never needed to, she was so real to me anyway and still is. :-* :-* :-*
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(((((( John ))))))))
Thank you so much for those videos, they are absolutely wonderful!!
And like Maya, I'm glad you hung in there!!
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Thank goodness you decided to hang around John.
Maya, sorry to hear you are still having a tough time. Thinking of you.
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Sonja and Jess - it has been really tough but I am armed with something I didn't have before and that's the Brokie spirit and the love and vibes of Brokies. And think that will help me to come through.
:-* :-*
-
:-* :-* :-* :-*
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Maya ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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OMG! I can't imagine this place without you BCJ!
Sounds like everyone needs a hug today...
(((((John, Maya, Jess, Sonja, Nellie, Mia, Andy, and anyone else who needs it )))))
At least it's Friday :)
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OMG! I can't imagine this place without you BCJ!
Sounds like everyone needs a hug today...
(((((John, Maya, Jess, Sonja, Nellie, Mia, Andy, and anyone else who needs it )))))
At least it's Friday :)
(((((((((Donna))))))))))
Happy Friday everyone!
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((((((( Donna )))))))))
Yes, what the world needs is more hugs.....
Never enough hugs, never enough.
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OMG! I can't imagine this place without you BCJ!
Thank you :)
I like your sig line.
It reminded me of an article that Pete Tannen (ptannen) wrote for the San Francisco Bay Times back in 2007.
-------------------------------------------------------
“Brokies” Find Community Online
If I had been told two years ago that I would have many new friends locally, across the U.S., and around the world; spend many hours each night on an internet message board; and fly to five gatherings in one year – all because I saw a movie – I would have said, “You’re crazy.” But it’s all true. Before that, I wasn’t a movie enthusiast. And I’d never been on an internet message board before.
This all started in December 2005 when I read Annie Proulx’s amazing story, just before seeing the movie Brokeback Mountain. Something about this movie made me go back to see it a week later, then the next week, then the next. On Google, I found one of several Brokeback Mountain Internet message boards. I discovered I was not alone and I soon became part of an online community. For me and many others across the nation and around the world, “Ol’ Brokeback got us good!” This took me completely by surprise, since I wasn’t seeking community. Quoting Annie Proulx, we were “each glad to have a companion where none had been expected.”
“Brokies,” as we call ourselves, have a shared interest – Brokeback Mountain – and a sense of connection. However, it’s much more than being a bunch of movie fans. Brokeback Mountain has fostered a strong sense of community because of its impact on our lives.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The full article can be found here:
http://www.sfbaytimes.com/?sec=article&article_id=6820 (http://www.sfbaytimes.com/?sec=article&article_id=6820)
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{{{{{John}}}}}
Have you got a light????
Sal :-*
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{{{{{John}}}}}
Have you got a light????
Sal :-*
(SAL)
You know I always have a light for you ;)
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(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi275.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fjj282%2FSanFranciscoJohn%2F721442_9809_625x1000.jpg&hash=41c0d4baf04039f07396feaceeba8cc85fdc11ac)
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Thanks John! If you knew where I was coming from by reading my first few posts here, you can certainly see where the line from the book definitely applies to me!
I like your sig line too, by the way... happy to know that I am a 'feeling person!'
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Thank you for that link John!
I hadn't seen that article before, I think it conveys a lot about us!
And the Marlbore ad is really good! :)
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(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi275.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fjj282%2FSanFranciscoJohn%2F721442_9809_625x1000.jpg&hash=41c0d4baf04039f07396feaceeba8cc85fdc11ac)
A very good friend of mine, who lost her husband to the most awful car accident, before she watched Brokeback, said that she can't see a Marlborough ad without bursting into tears!
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I hate the damn connection as I used to smoke the bloody things and stunk the house out to high heaven. ;D (My breath is much sweeter these days, Jake. ::))
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It was during the days following the loss of Heath and Jackie. I was planning on deleting everything to do with Brokeback Mountain and the forum, and then I was going to delete my account here on the forum and disappear.
I didn't get very far.
I was lucky to have the support of a lot of people here during that time. I got a lot of PM's when people read my posts and saw that I was having a meltdown.
I don't know if I thanked everyone at the time. There was just too much going on.
Thank you everyone!
(((((((((((((((((((John)))))))))))))))))
I am so thankful that you didn't disappear.
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Sonja and Jess - it has been really tough but I am armed with something I didn't have before and that's the Brokie spirit and the love and vibes of Brokies. And think that will help me to come through.
:-* :-*
((((((((((((Maya)))))))))))))
I'm glad you're hanging in there, too, and taking comfort from the Brokie spirit.
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John, just add me to the list of people who are glad you stayed, you are such an important person here.
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Amen to that, Chuck.
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Thank you everyone.
I can't think of anyone who isn't important to the forum, even the members who have gone on to other things.
But the most important people nowadays are the new members who really keep the discussions alive.
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I can't think of anyone who isn't important to the forum, even the members who have gone on to other things.
But the most important people nowadays are the new members who really keep the discussions alive.
I agree John.
The first members who have gone on, they were here when we all were stuck by the film. For whatever reason, they have gone on new paths.
However, they've left their words behind as reminders they were here, to help new members. And the new members, aside from finding a family here, help us remember what it was like when we first got here, and can also bring fresh perspectives on previously discussed issues.
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But the most important people nowadays are the new members who really keep the discussions alive.
Methinks I should quit and come back as a new member ;) ;D ;D ;D ;D
John and Chuck can do likewise :) :) :)
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Woohoo! I am a new member!!!
Hey, lovelyamazing, I hardly think I should be excited about being a new member-- more embarassed that I never saw the movie until six weeks ago, than anything else.
I guess I never knew what I was missing until J & E showed me. Be happy that you've been here so long! And that you were one of the first folks to say hello to me!!
((( lovelyamazing)))) You are lovely and amazing!!!!
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Woohoo! I am a new member!!!
Hey, lovelyamazing, I hardly think I should be excited about being a new member-- more embarassed that I never saw the movie until six weeks ago, than anything else.
I guess I never knew what I was missing until J & E showed me. Be happy that you've been here so long! And that you were one of the first folks to say hello to me!!
((( lovelyamazing)))) You are lovely and amazing!!!!
(((((((((((((((((donna))))))))))))))))))) thank you for your kind words about me. We all started new. Don't be embarrassed. When I joined I hadn't seen the movie. Something other than the movie actually made me register as a member here. The movie had already grabbed me through the "Making of Brokeback" video on youtube and the two paths merged once I got in here. The folks here reached the movie to me. Till date the DVD isn't on sale in my city.
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I never use to think the movie "really" affected me. But I have to say lately I am thinking "it gave me Heath" and for that I am truly thankful. I don't think I would ever had really "got him" without Brokeback. And now with him gone, it just makes the movie so much more special. It is definitely his legacy.
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(((((((((((((((((((((( Friends )))))))))))))))))))
Dead end street, that's what I think it's called in English.... You know when there is an end to the road you are travelling. When you have to decide if you want to keep on going even though you know that sooner or later there will be no other option than to leave that road.
How do you know when?
I guess as long as my heart is here, in my interactions at the forum I will stay. But it's becoming harder and harder. One thing is I feel that the pieces of my heart I shared here, my most important posts, now are hidden as the threads in this section have moved on and the interactions changed character. It's still there, and the friends that read them maybe still remember. As I remember those posts from my friends. Yes, the posts are still there but hidden, or sort of drowned, in all the thousands of posts....
From the moment I came here with this 'thing' for Brokeback Mountain, with how the film affected me I've been here with all my heart. Until now also in sadness and grief when forum related things haven't worked out. I thought of this as a dynamic place. And by being a dynamic place a place for me to expand, explore the impact of the story, what in means to me in my life, for friendships and connections to grow and get deeper. But things are changing. More and more I've come to keep the process of how Brokeback Mountain affected me to myself. Maybe there is a limit to the dynamic, an end to the expanding phase of interacting at the forum...
I'm still an Ennis in the trailer. But I've reached a point when I find no place on the forum to talk about what goes through my mind. There are many reasons for this, I think. This thread used to work for me to talk seriously, that's why I post this here. But is it right? The thoughts about how Brokeback Mountain affected me are changed, deeper in a way, and new thoughts. And this thread has changed.
I wonder if the forum is a dead end street to me. And if so, when is the time to leave or to at least leave the heart out of it? If I had a free choice in this it would not be to leave or fade out, partly or alltogether, in order to move on. It would be to move on WITH all of my thoughts, WITH the forum and WITH my Brokie friends.....
With love!
Mia
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hi folks,
just wanted to say "hi", after a week's absence. I hadn't gone to ground, just taking a well earned holiday in the south of France. As a new member I used the time away to add a little perspective to the BBM effect/obsession and didn't go near a computer the whole time I was away. Part of me expected my interest to have waned, but it hasn't. Holidays are good at rebalancing things and I always am left feeling that my daily life is such a drudge, time out always gives me that "i really should be doing more with my life" feeling - a classic BBM effect perhaps? This time was no different - I had a really vivid dream while I was away that has given me a fresh prespective, which I'm attributing to BBM.
Reality bites when I return to work tomorrow - full of intentions to change things, but fearful of getting caught up in the daily grind again and losing the impetus to make life changes.
Here's hoping for a bright and hopeful future for all of us.
C.x.
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Welcome home, C. A week in the south of France sounds like hell. ;D
The wonderful thing about this place is that it's all things to all men and long may it continue to be so. I actually spend very little time pondering the effects of BBM on me personally and just go with the flow. As an up one day, down the next person, I love the continuity of BBM, it's always there and always giving off its special magic, allowing me to partake of its benefits as and when I see fit. Even the people here are come and go and that's not a bad thing. We all have our paths to tread and I for one have mine littered with Brokiness and I can take whatever comes, right? :)
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The wonderful thing about this place is that it's all things to all men (and women!)and long may it continue to be so.
(((((Mia)))))
Hope your holiday was fabulous Coz!
Hi Andy!
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Hi Donna. I use the term 'men' in the Biblical sense of course... just like we all love to use them, right?::)
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(((((Mia)))))
Thank you for th hug
(((((((((((((((((((((( Donna ))))))))))))))))))))
Much needed!!!!!
:-* :-*
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Hi Donna. I use the term 'men' in the Biblical sense of course... just like we all love to use them, right?::)
LOL! This place is G-d's gift to all mankind...
-
The wonderful thing about this place is that it's all things to all men (and women!)and long may it continue to be so.
(((((Mia)))))
Hope your holiday was fabulous Coz!
Hi Andy!
Yes, women too! :D
Good to see you back, Coz.
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I don't see why the Brokie life ever has to end really. We saw the film, read the book and were moved to the core, but that was only the start. We found friends, we found love, we found support, some of us even found a cause.
In the way we wouldn't withdraw from friends met in different ways, why should we withdraw from Brokie friends?
People come and people go, that's life.
But a lot of people stay, and a lot of lovely new friends join, and all with new things to contribute.
When everything has been said about this work of art, which may be never, after all, people are still dissecting the work of Jane Austen, then there is still the small matter of achieving equality for all GLBT people all over the world, and that should last us a few years too.
Brokies forever I say!
-
Here, here Janjo! I'm off to Le Bar!
-
I don't see why the Brokie life ever has to end really. We saw the film, read the book and were moved to the core, but that was only the start. We found friends, we found love, we found support, some of us even found a cause.
In the way we wouldn't withdraw from friends met in different ways, why should we withdraw from Brokie friends?
People come and people go, that's life.
But a lot of people stay, and a lot of lovely new friends join, and all with new things to contribute.
When everything has been said about this work of art, which may be never, after all, people are still dissecting the work of Jane Austen, then there is still the small matter of achieving equality for all GLBT people all over the world, and that should last us a few years too.
Brokies forever I say!
Well said, Jess! :)
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I'll add to the approval of Jess' soliloquy. ;D
-
(((((((((((((((((((((( Friends )))))))))))))))))))
Dead end street, that's what I think it's called in English.... You know when there is an end to the road you are travelling. When you have to decide if you want to keep on going even though you know that sooner or later there will be no other option than to leave that road.
How do you know when?
I guess as long as my heart is here, in my interactions at the forum I will stay. But it's becoming harder and harder. One thing is I feel that the pieces of my heart I shared here, my most important posts, now are hidden as the threads in this section have moved on and the interactions changed character. It's still there, and the friends that read them maybe still remember. As I remember those posts from my friends. Yes, the posts are still there but hidden, or sort of drowned, in all the thousands of posts....
From the moment I came here with this 'thing' for Brokeback Mountain, with how the film affected me I've been here with all my heart. Until now also in sadness and grief when forum related things haven't worked out. I thought of this as a dynamic place. And by being a dynamic place a place for me to expand, explore the impact of the story, what in means to me in my life, for friendships and connections to grow and get deeper. But things are changing. More and more I've come to keep the process of how Brokeback Mountain affected me to myself. Maybe there is a limit to the dynamic, an end to the expanding phase of interacting at the forum...
I'm still an Ennis in the trailer. But I've reached a point when I find no place on the forum to talk about what goes through my mind. There are many reasons for this, I think. This thread used to work for me to talk seriously, that's why I post this here. But is it right? The thoughts about how Brokeback Mountain affected me are changed, deeper in a way, and new thoughts. And this thread has changed.
I wonder if the forum is a dead end street to me. And if so, when is the time to leave or to at least leave the heart out of it? If I had a free choice in this it would not be to leave or fade out, partly or alltogether, in order to move on. It would be to move on WITH all of my thoughts, WITH the forum and WITH my Brokie friends.....
With love!
Mia
Mia, sweetheart, many of us think they see the "end of the road" coming here, but more often than not, when we get there, we just find it is a corner, with another path leading away.
I'm not sure if you knew my incarnation here as Nick_F? I was at somewhere around 11,000 posts when things "happened" and there was a huge upset in the forum community and I felt I had to walk away and felt it had nothing more to offer. I deleted the account. BUT, I came back.
Many of us have had slow-downs (or rapid changes) or in our personal growth or personal lives. We do become different people as we move on, but then the movie and the forum offers you different things. I remember Nellie walking away for the longest time, when her life turned-over, she had a crisis, but she came back, still learning but in a different way. I remember talking Glenn (BrokenOkie) out of deleting his posts and his account, and now look at him, Chief Moderator (Fool!), I guess he found that the forum offered him something different at that point. There are many others that have gone away and come back, many come back only to lurk and post occasionally.
You have to tread your own path, it is a shame that you don't feel able to talk over things in your head in the threads, sometimes all it takes is one post to start off the conversation. But you have friends here that you can chat to in PMs and emails, don't forget that.
Often the dead-ends we see coming are of our own making, because we have a hurdle to cross, or some piece of growth to endure, but they pass.
Nick
xxx
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Mia, sweetheart, many of us think they see the "end of the road" coming here, but more often than not, when we get there, we just find it is a corner, with another path leading away.
I'm not sure if you knew my incarnation here as Nick_F? I was at somewhere around 11,000 posts when things "happened" and there was a huge upset in the forum community and I felt I had to walk away and felt it had nothing more to offer. I deleted the account. BUT, I came back.
Many of us have had slow-downs (or rapid changes) or in our personal growth or personal lives. We do become different people as we move on, but then the movie and the forum offers you different things. I remember Nellie walking away for the longest time, when her life turned-over, she had a crisis, but she came back, still learning but in a different way. I remember talking Glenn (BrokenOkie) out of deleting his posts and his account, and now look at him, Chief Moderator (Fool!), I guess he found that the forum offered him something different at that point. There are many others that have gone away and come back, many come back only to lurk and post occasionally.
You have to tread your own path, it is a shame that you don't feel able to talk over thinks in your head in the threads, sometimes all it takes is one post to start off the conversation. But you have friends here that you can chat to in PMs and emails, don't forget that.
Often the dead-ends we see coming are of our own making, because we have a hurdle to cross, or some piece of growth to endure, but they pass.
Nick
xxx
great post Nick! :-*
Mia, I've see the forum change/evolve many times, seen many friends come and go, most have decided to stay.
I had my own personal crisis happen around the end of 2006, and I also thought of leaving. There were a few times where my cursor was on the "delete account" link here.
I am so grateful I stuck around, and let the feeling pass. Had I left then, I would've never gone to Bay City or Colorado in 2007, nor Oxford in 2008.
I would've missed out on meeting wonderful new people. I probably would've lost more precious time with Jackie.
I would've missed out on being adopted by 3 new Big Brothers (SouthEndMD, ShakesTheGround and LoneLeeB3).
The forum has changed, and the way I use it has changed, but the ties here that I have aren't going anywhere anytime soon. You are one of those ties, Miss Mia.
:-*
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Nick ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
and
(((((((((((((((((((((((((( Chuck ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Thank you for being here, for caring also when these kind of thoughts and emotions come up to the surface. And to share your experiences of going through thoughts like this.
Maybe it will become easier in a while to see what's behind this corner on the journey of forum life. That's a good way to look at it, I think. Thank you for that image.
No matter what it is and has been for a long time clear to me that there will be no turn or corner where my Brokie friends would stop being a part of my life. That never even crossed my mind....
What you both said means the world to me...
:-* :-*
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hi folks,
especially everyone whgo's welcomed me back into the arms of our wonderful community here. back to work today - yuck! at least it's lunchtime now and i can come online for a minute of two and catch up. i hope everyone is well and enjoying the "darling buds of May", to coin a phrase.
look forward to chatting to everyone soon.
c.x.
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hi folks,
especially everyone whgo's welcomed me back into the arms of our wonderful community here. back to work today - yuck! at least it's lunchtime now and i can come online for a minute of two and catch up. i hope everyone is well and enjoying the "darling buds of May", to coin a phrase.
look forward to chatting to everyone soon.
c.x.
I've just read your name as Iris Heyes and thought you were an even newer arrival :).
-
I would normally post this in one of the music threads, but I know a lot of the newer members read this thread a lot.
This is a video that was posted on Youtube on January 22, 2008
A lot of people were inspired by the movie to write music, poetry, etc.
Shane August wrote lyrics to "Wings"
http://youtube.com/watch?v=wzuA7cYmKtY (http://youtube.com/watch?v=wzuA7cYmKtY)
You give me the wings to fly
You are the clear blue sky
I'm floating so free, so high
Falling with grace, for you, am I
You give me the wings to fly
Visit Shane's myspace at
http://myspace.com/shaneaugustmusic (http://myspace.com/shaneaugustmusic)
To contact Shane about a downloadable version of this track, email him at WingsForHeath@gmail.com
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I hope everyone knows about and reads our newsletter.
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=35830.msg1580620#msg1580620 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=35830.msg1580620#msg1580620)
Speaking of poetry, this article is in todays edition:
In The Blogosphere: "Brokeback Poetry"
| (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdavecullen.com%2Fbrokeback%2Fdaily%2Fformat%2Fplaceholder.gif&hash=476950888770fe942ed4961a5185c13c00f2173f) | Born in the early 1940s, Ennis and Jack were what World War II veterans called "war babies", the generation preceding the baby boomers. This was one of the in-between generations of history: people who saw all the rules start changing just as they came of age.
In an essay titled "Brokeback Poetry that will 'Blaze the Trail' for TBP, Forum member Bobby Parker (bobby19in1963) uses the reactions of many gays in Ennis' and Jack's generation to Brokeback Mountain to showcase a friend's poetry.
"The movie of our generation, the older generation, is Brokeback Mountain. It was a watershed movie especially for closeted gays. We immediately connect in our minds with that time when we were young and could have gone up on Brokeback ... and come down with the love of our lives. No matter that it is a starcrossed love. Those boys actually found what we are all searching for...as the song says, 'a love that will never grow old.'
"I was born the same year as Jack and Ennis, 1944, and in 1963 when they went up on Brokeback I was a 19-year-old in my prime, a thin, lightly muscular water ski bum on the Colorado River in California. As we saw the movie and now contemplate what it did to our thinking, the biggest question in our lives...is it too late for us?"
Bobby quotes a number of his friend's poems, including one about the differing perspectives of generations:
"I was born too early," he lamented
"I was born too late," his gay lover bemoaned.
"Pearl Harbor was bombed when I was 2 years old."
"I remember Operation Desert Storm"
Read the entire essay at Bilerico. (http://www.bilerico.com/2009/05/brokeback_poetry_that_will_blaze_the_tra.php#more) |
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(((((((((((((((((( Mia )))))))))))))))))))))
First I have to apologize. When I pressed the "new" button last time, it did not bring me to your post, but to the next one, and I missed seeing yours until I read the responses to it and until I read Chuck mentioning it in the Diner this morning.
So I want to give you a big hug now.
Most of us never came here feeling that Brokeback affected them in the same way -- that's why there are so many different feelings expressed in this thread. As new people join the forum, it's natural for them to be talking about their very recent experiences with Brokeback. But I do remember your early posts, they are not drowned; they are part of our joint history.
I never used to come to this thread when I first joined the forum, because I was being too analytical about the story, and not enough into the my feelings and personal reaction. For months I could not begin to describe how Brokeback had affected me, except to say that it had something to do with a realization about missed opportunities. It was a long time before I could begin to feel that the experience of forming friendships here on the forum, and seeing Brokies in real life, was leading me to grab opportunities that I never would have thought could be a part of my life.
I now make this Affected Me thread a regular place which I come to read, even if I don't post here that often. It's interesting to read the perspective of the new members, but very very interesting to read the posts of more longer time members when they really do "pour their hearts out" about their lives and feelings. It still happens a lot, I think. I would always be interested -- with the heart -- to read anything you have to say, whether directly about Brokeback directly, or whether more indirectly, about your life.
The turning point for me, in the sense of a change I feel about the forum, is that I am less consumed by discussing Jack and Ennis, or Jake and Heath, than I was in the beginning. So I don't go to the analysis section very often, except for Topic of the Week. There are so many other threads that have captured my attention -- movie threads, book threads, the "general" gay experience/history threads, and most especially the threads in Our Community. Also, you have started a few threads yourself which are very rewarding to read.
My interest in this forum now is mainly an interest in all the people here, especially when I get to know something about their lives. My friends, in other words. And you are right up at the top of that list, ((((Mia)))). This forum world would be a much sadder place without you. So I hope you stay. However things might change here, or change in your own life, I hope you will continue to find a reason to stay with us.
Debbie
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((((((((((((((((((((((((( Debbie )))))))))))))))))))))))
Thank you so much for this post. I read it with tears in my eyes. You are such a dear friend and the kind things you say about me.... And for saying I am a part too, with the posts I made before.... Oh....
But what you say when you talk about YOU, about your journey here is so honest and so much from your heart. And I know how true it is. Oh Debbie, you've made an amazing journey. I have shared it, I mean we've done it together or side by side or how one wants to see it.
I never used to come to this thread when I first joined the forum, because I was being too analytical about the story, and not enough into the my feelings and personal reaction. For months I could not begin to describe how Brokeback had affected me, except to say that it had something to do with a realization about missed opportunities. It was a long time before I could begin to feel that the experience of forming friendships here on the forum, and seeing Brokies in real life, was leading me to grab opportunities that I never would have thought could be a part of my life.
I know.... And also the people, as you say. The Brokie friends....
If I just dared to believe I could keep on with half as much heart as you do, as you share....
Sorry for talking without collecting my thoughts properly
I just had to thank you for the hugs and for... everything
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Your friend Mia
-
{{{{{MIA}}}}}
Sal :-*
-
Be strong Mia, we will be here for you! :-*
-
((((((((((((((((((((Mia kärissima))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Jag älskar dig och hoppas att du kommer att stanna hos oss.
-
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Sal )))))))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Jess )))))))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Fritz )))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Love and Thank you!
And for everyone being there to help me think in Pm's and other contact ways
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Friends ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
You all make me feel less lonely and less weird for going through this.
There must be ways to reorient.... And for the 'Ennis in trailer' in me not to keep on closing doors while interacting on the forum....
And not to leave my heart out of it...
:-*
-
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Sal )))))))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Jess )))))))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Fritz )))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Love and Thank you!
And for everyone being there to help me think in Pm's and other contact ways
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Friends ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
You all make me feel less lonely and less weird for going through this.
There must be ways to reorient.... And for the 'Ennis in trailer' in me not to keep on closing doors while interacting on the forum....
And not to leave my heart out of it...
:-*
Course you're not weird - or we all are (could be... :D)
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I'm weird (and wired)
-
((((((((((((((((((((((((( Debbie )))))))))))))))))))))))
Thank you so much for this post. I read it with tears in my eyes. You are such a dear friend and the kind things you say about me.... And for saying I am a part too, with the posts I made before.... Oh....
But what you say when you talk about YOU, about your journey here is so honest and so much from your heart. And I know how true it is. Oh Debbie, you've made an amazing journey. I have shared it, I mean we've done it together or side by side or how one wants to see it.
...
If I just dared to believe I could keep on with half as much heart as you do, as you share....
((((((((((((((Mia))))))))))))
Thank YOU for your post, too. There are tears in my eyes, too, reading it now. You really do understand, with the beautiful heart that you have.
You bring so much love to us each day you are here.
-
Reality bites when I return to work tomorrow - full of intentions to change things, but fearful of getting caught up in the daily grind again and losing the impetus to make life changes.
Welcome back home and back to the forum, Coz!
What you say here really resonates with me!!!
I know exactly the feeling of all those intentions to change things -- yes often after a holiday! -- and how veeeery easy it is to just get caugh up in everyday life again....the dreams of a different life are still there, but faded and difficult to keep alive when the daily grind crashes down on you..... :-\
-
(((((((((((((((((((((((((( Mia ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Mia, I'm so sorry you're having a hard time and feeling that way. I really hope you'll be able to find a solution that is good for you and is what you need. :-* :-*
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Hi Donna. I use the term 'men' in the Biblical sense of course... just like we all love to use them, right?::)
LOL! This place is G-d's gift to all mankind...
::) ;D >:D
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I don't see why the Brokie life ever has to end really. We saw the film, read the book and were moved to the core, but that was only the start. We found friends, we found love, we found support, some of us even found a cause.
In the way we wouldn't withdraw from friends met in different ways, why should we withdraw from Brokie friends?
People come and people go, that's life.
But a lot of people stay, and a lot of lovely new friends join, and all with new things to contribute.
When everything has been said about this work of art, which may be never, after all, people are still dissecting the work of Jane Austen, then there is still the small matter of achieving equality for all GLBT people all over the world, and that should last us a few years too.
Brokies forever I say!
I totally agree, Jess!!
-
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Sal )))))))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Jess )))))))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Fritz )))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Love and Thank you!
And for everyone being there to help me think in Pm's and other contact ways
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Friends ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
You all make me feel less lonely and less weird for going through this.
There must be ways to reorient.... And for the 'Ennis in trailer' in me not to keep on closing doors while interacting on the forum....
And not to leave my heart out of it...
:-*
Course you're not weird - or we all are (could be... :D)
Mia............. I'm weird, I admit it...............Do I give a damn.................nah! Life's too short!
-
Maybe we need to rename this place, Dave Cullen's Brokeback Forum for Weirdos? seeing as we all fit the bill. ;D
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Maybe we need to rename this place, Dave Cullen's Brokeback Forum for Weirdos? seeing as we all fit the bill. ;D
Might as well.
People already say we're strange, disturbing, obsessed, a cult, etc
But I always liked it when we were called 'Guerilla Marketers'
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Well. It's the other way round? I thought I was weird till I met you lot, and now I know we are all normal, in a good way ;D
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Dejavu's remarkable commentary on why we are part of the forum got me thinking...
I don't post much anymore myself, but I do look into this or that thread on a nearly daily basis. And, as she said, there is a whole new family of friends... shining and twinkling in their own ways up in the Brokeback sky. Sure do send up a prayer of thanks for all of you who have so enriched my life. Brokeback Mountain helped me deal with my own past. But friends here light up the future.
-
Dejavu's remarkable commentary on why we are part of the forum got me thinking...
I don't post much anymore myself, but I do look into this or that thread on a nearly daily basis. And, as she said, there is a whole new family of friends... shining and twinkling in their own ways up in the Brokeback sky. Sure do send up a prayer of thanks for all of you who have so enriched my life. Brokeback Mountain helped me deal with my own past. But friends here light up the future.
Here's to that!!!!
Thank you for sharing this thought. I'm sending up a prayer of thanks too. Almost on a daily basis.
Your post made me think of the blessing of the special Brokie friendships that carry both the future and dealing with our pasts, the sharing and understanding... Yes, I feel very blessed for that.
Another thought after these last few days - maybe sharing on a deeper level is now more for alternative and private ways to communicate.
Thank you ((((((((((((((((((((((((( friends ))))))))))))))))))))))) for personal messages, sharing and sent poems.
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Brokeback Mountain helped me deal with my own past. But friends here light up the future.
Very cool post! Thanks for saying that!
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Something I've been thinking over the last while, I wonder if anyone agrees with me?
BBM has acted as a mirror to me - looking at myself now full on, in the uncompromising (and perhaps unflattering) light of truth. The mirror doesn't also reflect just myself, it also reflects the past (i.e. - what's behind me) as I see the background in which my own face is framed. What I'm hoping I'll be strong enough to do is to drop the mirror a bit so that I'm looking ahead, rather than back at myself and my past.
Does that make sense or have I lost it completely?
Cheers.
C.
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Yes, Coz, I think you are right on. It's pretty much the same for me. I never really understood why I was so devastated by the unresolved end of a relationship I was in for many years "So, I guess I'll see ya around..." Even though I am in a happy relationship now, BBM is helping me to come to terms with the unresolved aspect of the one that could not be. The mirror doesn't lie, but, yes, it sounds like we both need to tip it a bit to be able to see ahead to the future. I'm liking your mirror analogy there!
(((Coz)))
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((((((((((((((((((( Coz ))))))))))))))))))
and
(((((((((((((((((( Donna )))))))))))))))))
You're so right about this I think, the thoughts about daring to look in that mirror and to drop it a bit to see ahead. That makes sense to me.
I also think a lot about letting go of the energy it takes to keep some things to yourself. And what a relief it can be to share and to get a chance to listen to others.
-
Thanks (((Mia)))!
I hope you are having a wondeful day!
-
Something I've been thinking over the last while, I wonder if anyone agrees with me?
BBM has acted as a mirror to me - looking at myself now full on, in the uncompromising (and perhaps unflattering) light of truth. The mirror doesn't also reflect just myself, it also reflects the past (i.e. - what's behind me) as I see the background in which my own face is framed. What I'm hoping I'll be strong enough to do is to drop the mirror a bit so that I'm looking ahead, rather than back at myself and my past.
Does that make sense or have I lost it completely?
Cheers.
C.
Yes Coz you have lost it completely. :D
But you're not the only one.
Jari (Boris) posted a comment about the mirror in them earlier days. It's included in our book.
Brokeback Mountain has done something very seldom a movie can, It has provided us all a frame of reference to reflect our pain, sorrow, joy, love, hopes and aspirations. It gave us all a mirror to look at ourselves. It gave us a story that we could emotionally attach and this forum provided a place where to share our feelings.
Ang Lee also understood the mirror. He used it a few times in the film with great effect.
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi275.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fjj282%2FSanFranciscoJohn%2Fmirrors.jpg&hash=878f4816781bcbba721602db5e4700e870fb393d)
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Well. It's the other way round? I thought I was weird till I met you lot, and now I know we are all normal, in a good way ;D
Exactly! We're the normal ones, the others are the weirdos!!!! ;D
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Sure do send up a prayer of thanks for all of you who have so enriched my life. Brokeback Mountain helped me deal with my own past. But friends here light up the future.
So true!!!
In a nutshell!!
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What I'm hoping I'll be strong enough to do is to drop the mirror a bit so that I'm looking ahead, rather than back at myself and my past.
Very well put Coz!!
Thanks for saying that!!
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Something I've been thinking over the last while, I wonder if anyone agrees with me?
BBM has acted as a mirror to me - looking at myself now full on, in the uncompromising (and perhaps unflattering) light of truth. The mirror doesn't also reflect just myself, it also reflects the past (i.e. - what's behind me) as I see the background in which my own face is framed. What I'm hoping I'll be strong enough to do is to drop the mirror a bit so that I'm looking ahead, rather than back at myself and my past.
Does that make sense or have I lost it completely?
Cheers.
C.
Ah yes...the "mirror".....you haven't lost it...you're just aware now...conscience...you woke up that part of the brain that was dormant for so long...we have all been there,bud....but for some of course...it's harder to deal with. Knowing what it is, is a great start because now you can slowly change things and let other things go...like your past. Our past is what holds us down...it's almost like being over weight....it takes a while to shed that weight,to get rid of the past...
It'll be ok..you will find strength to move ahead..without thinking of it...you already cracked that mirror a little
((hugs))
Nellie
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Our past is what holds us down...it's almost like being over weight....it takes a while to shed that weight,to get rid of the past...
This is sooooo spot on, Nellie!!!
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Our past is what holds us down...it's almost like being over weight....it takes a while to shed that weight,to get rid of the past...
This is sooooo spot on, Nellie!!!
I have gained over 20 pounds since joining the forum :(
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Our past is what holds us down...it's almost like being over weight....it takes a while to shed that weight,to get rid of the past...
This is sooooo spot on, Nellie!!!
I have gained over 20 pounds since joining the forum :(
I have also gainted a lot this last year. But I still find Nelli's metaphor very true.
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Sure do send up a prayer of thanks for all of you who have so enriched my life. Brokeback Mountain helped me deal with my own past. But friends here light up the future.
So true!!!
In a nutshell!!
yes, thanks a lot - that's so well put!
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So many of you have no idea who I am, but I am member #208; I've read every entry on this and the previous "Affected" thread and I feel I know you. I have been quite busy these past three years as a result of how this movie affected me. I've had to wage a stealth campaign and remain silent here about it for the most part until now. Rather than double-post a very lengthy letter of love to this forum, I am linking to the Third Anniversary (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=31908.msg1583079#msg1583079) thread where it seems most appropriate.
Those of you who are new to the BBM Effect: know that it does not leave you and it can—if you let it—propel you to action that makes a difference in your life and perhaps in the lives of others. I remain awed and grateful for the atmosphere of acceptance and love that exists in this forum, the likes of which I have never seen elsewhere. We can take what we've learned here about unconditional acceptance and show the Real World what it's like to receive it.
Be the change you wish to see in the world.
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Thank you (((((((((((((((((((Betty))))))))))))))))))))))!
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Thank you (((((((((((((((((((Betty))))))))))))))))))))))!
What Fritz said! ^^^
Love ya Betty!
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Fantastic Betty!
thanks for all your hard work!
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I haven't been around much lately, but I just have to come back here from time to time. I'm so glad to see new people around. I may not be a frequent poster, but BBM and this online community became a part of me back in 2006.
What brings me here just now is - you're the only people I can tell this to:
For the past few weeks of the Swine Flu scare (I assume folks in other countries have been hearing about that), when people have called in sick to work, the first thought in my mind is to ask them "You binna Mexico?" Of course, I can't put it like that, and the whole thing sends my thoughts off on a tangent.
I've mercifully been spared the virus; I wasn't so lucky with Brokeback Fever. Still getting recurrences, 3 years later.......
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I haven't been around much lately, but I just have to come back here from time to time. I'm so glad to see new people around. I may not be a frequent poster, but BBM and this online community became a part of me back in 2006.
What brings me here just now is - you're the only people I can tell this to:
For the past few weeks of the Swine Flu scare (I assume folks in other countries have been hearing about that), when people have called in sick to work, the first thought in my mind is to ask them "You binna Mexico?" Of course, I can't put it like that, and the whole thing sends my thoughts off on a tangent.
I've mercifully been spared the virus; I wasn't so lucky with Brokeback Fever. Still getting recurrences, 3 years later.......
Thanks for starting off my weekend with a laugh - and no, I couldn't explain why to anyone :D.
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So many of you have no idea who I am, but I am member #208; I've read every entry on this and the previous "Affected" thread and I feel I know you. I have been quite busy these past three years as a result of how this movie affected me. I've had to wage a stealth campaign and remain silent here about it for the most part until now. Rather than double-post a very lengthy letter of love to this forum, I am linking to the Third Anniversary (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=31908.msg1583079#msg1583079) thread where it seems most appropriate.
Those of you who are new to the BBM Effect: know that it does not leave you and it can—if you let it—propel you to action that makes a difference in your life and perhaps in the lives of others. I remain awed and grateful for the atmosphere of acceptance and love that exists in this forum, the likes of which I have never seen elsewhere. We can take what we've learned here about unconditional acceptance and show the Real World what it's like to receive it.
Be the change you wish to see in the world.
Thank you for sharing this thought. And for the link.
:) :) :)
Mia
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I haven't been around much lately, but I just have to come back here from time to time. I'm so glad to see new people around. I may not be a frequent poster, but BBM and this online community became a part of me back in 2006.
What brings me here just now is - you're the only people I can tell this to:
For the past few weeks of the Swine Flu scare (I assume folks in other countries have been hearing about that), when people have called in sick to work, the first thought in my mind is to ask them "You binna Mexico?" Of course, I can't put it like that, and the whole thing sends my thoughts off on a tangent.
I've mercifully been spared the virus; I wasn't so lucky with Brokeback Fever. Still getting recurrences, 3 years later.......
It sure is a fever not so easy to get rid of.
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For the past few weeks of the Swine Flu scare (I assume folks in other countries have been hearing about that), when people have called in sick to work, the first thought in my mind is to ask them "You binna Mexico?" Of course, I can't put it like that, and the whole thing sends my thoughts off on a tangent.
LOL!!
I can so understand you!
It happens ever so often in my RL that things remind me of bbm, and there is no one to share it with.....
Thank god for this place!!
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When Brokeback Mountain 'happened' to me, the way it affected me from the start, was to make me acknowledge things in life I tried to close the door to. To slow down and find the courage to meet grief, to process shame, to see and feel the loves in my life....
Time passed and I thought Brokeback Mountain had nothing more to say to me personally.... That it was just a question of integrating insights.... And to keep on letting the wonderful Brokie friendships grow.
Little did I know....
With full strength it all came back to me not long ago. A year and a half after seeing the film for the first time I find myself once again with Ennis in the trailer.
I have talked before of the loss of my father and my dearest friend. The connection to wildlife, mountains, sea and islands I got from my father. The creative dancing with my friend. And I know I've touched the subject of finding it hard to deal with their diseases, sitting next to them without being able to do anything to help....
For a long time I thought that dealing with them being gone was what I had to do. And that I could go back to wildlife experiences and creative processes as in dancing just by learning to live without them in the physical world. But it's not so. Not at all. Not long ago I realized it's not the fact that they aren't here anymore that holds me back. It's all the energy I put into keeping the doors closed to their diseases. What the sicknesses did to them and my shortcomings.... How I couldn't stand what the cancer did to my father and what that horrible, horrible disease did to my friend.... How tortured they were and how I couldn't help....
I don't know if I can say this is how Brokeback Mountain affected me or if this is just another part of my life I see in the light of the story... I don't know... But I think very much about all the energy I put into supressing this, or keeping the doors closed.... Lately I've also talked a little about my second son and the disease he had for so many years as he grew up.... And that we almost lost him when he was 4 years old and got the disease.... The disease he's now (knock on wood) cured from. It takes a lot of energy to keep the doors to this closed too. A lot of energy.
I feel like a f****ng alien processing this.... There are no visible daughters, best friends or mothers to seriously ill people around me.... The only message I get is to think about myself. That thought doesn't help at all. It didn't back then and still doesn't....
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When Brokeback Mountain 'happened' to me, the way it affected me from the start, was to make me acknowledge things in life I tried to close the door to. To slow down and find the courage to meet grief, to process shame, to see and feel the loves in my life....
Time passed and I thought Brokeback Mountain had nothing more to say to me personally.... That it was just a question of integrating insights.... And to keep on letting the wonderful Brokie friendships grow.
Little did I know....
With full strength it all came back to me not long ago. A year and a half after seeing the film for the first time I find myself once again with Ennis in the trailer.
I have talked before of the loss of my father and my dearest friend. The connection to wildlife, mountains, sea and islands I got from my father. The creative dancing with my friend. And I know I've touched the subject of finding it hard to deal with their diseases, sitting next to them without being able to do anything to help....
For a long time I thought that dealing with them being gone was what I had to do. And that I could go back to wildlife experiences and creative processes as in dancing just by learning to live without them in the physical world. But it's not so. Not at all. Not long ago I realized it's not the fact that they aren't here anymore that holds me back. It's all the energy I put into keeping the doors closed to their diseases. What the sicknesses did to them and my shortcomings.... How I couldn't stand what the cancer did to my father and what that horrible, horrible disease did to my friend.... How tortured they were and how I couldn't help....
I don't know if I can say this is how Brokeback Mountain affected me or if this is just another part of my life I see in the light of the story... I don't know... But I think very much about all the energy I put into supressing this, or keeping the doors closed.... Lately I've also talked a little about my second son and the disease he had for so many years as he grew up.... And that we almost lost him when he was 4 years old and got the disease.... The disease he's now (knock on wood) cured from. It takes a lot of energy to keep the doors to this closed too. A lot of energy.
I feel like a f****ng alien processing this.... There are no visible daughters, best friends or mothers to seriously ill people around me.... The only message I get is to think about myself. That thought doesn't help at all. It didn't back then and still doesn't....
Mia, I'm still thinking through what you've said. But my first reaction is to send you very much love :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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((((((((((((((Mia))))))))))))))) this is a most thought provoking post. The process of suppression that you talk about and the energy it drains out is something I am really familiar with. In myself and in others.
The way you have become overpoweringly aware that you are closing the doors tightly on your experience of the illnesses of loved ones, is definitely a part of the entire post BBM effect. I feel I've been experiencing something similar lately. We'll talk more after I've collected my thoughts.
Many many hugs and much love from me.
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Miasland, you don't know me and I don't have time to write much now, but this part of one of your sentences jumped off the page at me:
sitting next to them without being able to do anything to help....
Many would say it was the best thing, maybe the only thing. The gift of 'presence' ...
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I don't really know what to say to you Mia, only that when my beloved father died suddenly it took me months to realise that no amount of crying and sorrowing could change things and bring him back.
A very wise person said to me, he hasn't gone while he is in your mind, and you remember him, and the memories do get happier as the years pass.
He has been dead for over twenty years now and I don't suppose a day, or even a part of a day goes past without me thinking of what he would have done, or what he would have said, and he was a countryman, through and through too, so I know there are many things he would have been able to tell me about animals and plants, trees and birds, history and life in general.
I hope he would be pleased with the way I've turned out.
I can only say, dwell on the positive memories of those you have lost, try not to be consumed by their illnesses and deaths, because that wasn't the essence of them, of what they were.
I send you all my love.
:-* :-*
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((((((((((((((((((Mia))))))))))))))))))))))) - you are such a wonderful person that the thought of you so sad - what can I say? As janjo said, what i know is that it takes a very long time to get over any death of someone you love. That is bad enough, I know. I didn't have to watch such suffering, though, and so I am not sure I can say anything helpful about that.
But maybe the parallel to BBM is about the energy we put into suppressing painful memories. I suppose we see Ennis as suppressing everything in that trailer.
I have accepted, by now, that is is griefs that I can hardly articulate which came to the surface three years ago, for me.
The good news is, that three years later, I felt recovered and somehow integrated, it happened around the third anniversary. I know that you, Mia, played such an important part in helping that to happen, for me, perhaps I can remind you of that and thank you.
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* lots of love
Chris
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Sara ))))))))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Maya ))))))))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Jess )))))))))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Chris ))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Keeping your words close to my heart!
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Miasland, you don't know me and I don't have time to write much now, but this part of one of your sentences jumped off the page at me:
sitting next to them without being able to do anything to help....
Many would say it was the best thing, maybe the only thing. The gift of 'presence' ...
Thank you!
Sitting here with tears in my eyes.
Thank you!
((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Hugs )))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Miasland, you don't know me and I don't have time to write much now, but this part of one of your sentences jumped off the page at me:
sitting next to them without being able to do anything to help....
Many would say it was the best thing, maybe the only thing. The gift of 'presence' ...
Amen and amen to that!! We are all gifted in many ways though we are not all so aware of them. The important things is that they get used.
((((((((((((((((((MIA)))))))))))))))
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((((((((((((((((((( Mia )))))))))))))))))))))
So sorry you're having this to deal with, but some things do take many years to process. But getting them out in the open is the
first step, and always better than to keep them inside. By putting your thoughts and feelings into words, you've already taken
the first step to healing.
It's hard, I know........
Much love to you
:-* :-* :-*
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((((((((((((((((((( Mia )))))))))))))))))))))
So sorry you're having this to deal with, but some things do take many years to process. But getting them out in the open is the
first step, and always better than to keep them inside. By putting your thoughts and feelings into words, you've already taken
the first step to healing.
It's hard, I know........
Much love to you
:-* :-* :-*
I'm with Sonja on this one ((((((Mia)))))). Hang in there...!
Love, John :-* :-*
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I feel like a f****ng alien processing this.... There are no visible daughters, best friends or mothers to seriously ill people around me.... The only message I get is to think about myself. That thought doesn't help at all. It didn't back then and still doesn't....
.....more hugs, Mia, I just reread what you wrote. I have of course had the great pleasure of staying in your beautiful home.
It's beautiful here right now too, but I know that if I were distressed this would not comfort me. As it happens, I feel absolutely fine, even though I am here on my own and it's 5 a.m.! I used to get that sense of unreality - that 'f***ing alien' feeling, perhaps - how did I get out of that? I remember it, i don't have it now. I think Sonja is right, it's very painful but just expressing it wil help the healing process, and help you to reconnect.
Yesterday, I went out and stood by two trees we planted in memory of my parents. My father is a flowering cherry and my mother a horse chestnut with red flowers. I remember discussing with my sister what tree they loved and what would be appropriate. The horse chestnut is in flower right now, the flowering cherry was gorgeous a few weeks ago. My parents died over twenty years ago, and by now my sisters and I, when we talk about them, which we often do, we find we are discussing the good times. It wasn't always so.
-- and springtime is when we know we should feel better, when the earth renews itself, we feel part of that when all is well.
Wishing you all the very best, Chris
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Thank you
((((((((((((((((((((((((( Andy ))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((((((( Sonja ))))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((((((( John ))))))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((((((( Chris ))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Hey all,
was cleaning out a bunch of stuff and came across 8 copies of the March 10, 2006 edition of Variety with the famous ad in it.
Not sure what to do with them. I almost threw them out but thought I'd see if there was any interest in them here.
thanks
squall
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I don't know if I can say this is how Brokeback Mountain affected me or if this is just another part of my life I see in the light of the story... I don't know... But I think very much about all the energy I put into supressing this, or keeping the doors closed.... Lately I've also talked a little about my second son and the disease he had for so many years as he grew up.... And that we almost lost him when he was 4 years old and got the disease.... The disease he's now (knock on wood) cured from. It takes a lot of energy to keep the doors to this closed too. A lot of energy.
I feel like a f****ng alien processing this.... There are no visible daughters, best friends or mothers to seriously ill people around me.... The only message I get is to think about myself. That thought doesn't help at all. It didn't back then and still doesn't....
Mia, cara
I have read this post, and another one from you, about the "dead end street", only now.
I am not in the condition to reply now, because my daily life is really hectic, lately; I only have bits of time to snatch a look, every now and then, and then I am gone.
Practical problems, everyday life...I won't bore you all with that.
I can very well feel the intensity of your emotions, that brought you to write those words; and I can only postpone a more meaningful reply from me. I don't have the time and energy to do it now.
But please, don't think your older posts or words got lost...they are not forgotten, nor useless. The motion they stirred is continuing to this day.
A big hug
D
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Yesterday, I went out and stood by two trees we planted in memory of my parents. My father is a flowering cherry and my mother a horse chestnut with red flowers. I remember discussing with my sister what tree they loved and what would be appropriate. The horse chestnut is in flower right now, the flowering cherry was gorgeous a few weeks ago.
Two gorgeous trees. How beautiful.
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Hey all,
was cleaning out a bunch of stuff and came across 8 copies of the March 10, 2006 edition of Variety with the famous ad in it.
Not sure what to do with them. I almost threw them out but thought I'd see if there was any interest in them here.
thanks
squall
Hey Squall, you may want to consider posting your offer on the Collectible thread here:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=23724.msg1450320#msg1450320
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Yesterday, I went out and stood by two trees we planted in memory of my parents. My father is a flowering cherry and my mother a horse chestnut with red flowers. I remember discussing with my sister what tree they loved and what would be appropriate. The horse chestnut is in flower right now, the flowering cherry was gorgeous a few weeks ago.
Two gorgeous trees. How beautiful.
It really helps, too. When we lost our last parent, and it was back in 1995, we chose four trees that represented the four of them, and we planted them in a group. Of course, our parents never knew that's how we would commemorate them, but our children and our relatives know. I think it's difficult to find meaningful memorials (so did Ennis).
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Mia, cara
I have read this post, and another one from you, about the "dead end street", only now.
I am not in the condition to reply now, because my daily life is really hectic, lately; I only have bits of time to snatch a look, every now and then, and then I am gone.
Practical problems, everyday life...I won't bore you all with that.
I can very well feel the intensity of your emotions, that brought you to write those words; and I can only postpone a more meaningful reply from me. I don't have the time and energy to do it now.
But please, don't think your older posts or words got lost...they are not forgotten, nor useless. The motion they stirred is continuing to this day.
A big hug
D
Kära ((((((((((((((((((((( Daniela ))))))))))))))))))))
Thank you so much for saying this. I know you know what it means to me. As what you have said here before... Words that will stick with me forever. You know....
:-* :-* :-*
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.... because my daily life is really hectic, lately; I only have bits of time to snatch a look, every now and then, and then I am gone.
Practical problems, everyday life...I won't bore you all with that.
((((Daniela))))
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Yesterday, I went out and stood by two trees we planted in memory of my parents. My father is a flowering cherry and my mother a horse chestnut with red flowers. I remember discussing with my sister what tree they loved and what would be appropriate. The horse chestnut is in flower right now, the flowering cherry was gorgeous a few weeks ago.
Two gorgeous trees. How beautiful.
Perfect memorials
I am planning the same....
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Mia, still sending you peace and strength. :)
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Mia, still sending you peace and strength. :)
Thank you ((((((((((((((((((((((( Nick )))))))))))))))))))
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(((((((((((((((((((((( Friends )))))))))))))))))))
Dead end street, that's what I think it's called in English.... You know when there is an end to the road you are travelling. When you have to decide if you want to keep on going even though you know that sooner or later there will be no other option than to leave that road.
How do you know when?
I guess as long as my heart is here, in my interactions at the forum I will stay. But it's becoming harder and harder. One thing is I feel that the pieces of my heart I shared here, my most important posts, now are hidden as the threads in this section have moved on and the interactions changed character. It's still there, and the friends that read them maybe still remember. As I remember those posts from my friends. Yes, the posts are still there but hidden, or sort of drowned, in all the thousands of posts....
From the moment I came here with this 'thing' for Brokeback Mountain, with how the film affected me I've been here with all my heart. Until now also in sadness and grief when forum related things haven't worked out. I thought of this as a dynamic place. And by being a dynamic place a place for me to expand, explore the impact of the story, what in means to me in my life, for friendships and connections to grow and get deeper. But things are changing. More and more I've come to keep the process of how Brokeback Mountain affected me to myself. Maybe there is a limit to the dynamic, an end to the expanding phase of interacting at the forum...
I'm still an Ennis in the trailer. But I've reached a point when I find no place on the forum to talk about what goes through my mind. There are many reasons for this, I think. This thread used to work for me to talk seriously, that's why I post this here. But is it right? The thoughts about how Brokeback Mountain affected me are changed, deeper in a way, and new thoughts. And this thread has changed.
I wonder if the forum is a dead end street to me. And if so, when is the time to leave or to at least leave the heart out of it? If I had a free choice in this it would not be to leave or fade out, partly or alltogether, in order to move on. It would be to move on WITH all of my thoughts, WITH the forum and WITH my Brokie friends.....
With love!
Mia
Mia, sweetheart, many of us think they see the "end of the road" coming here, but more often than not, when we get there, we just find it is a corner, with another path leading away.
I'm not sure if you knew my incarnation here as Nick_F? I was at somewhere around 11,000 posts when things "happened" and there was a huge upset in the forum community and I felt I had to walk away and felt it had nothing more to offer. I deleted the account. BUT, I came back.
Many of us have had slow-downs (or rapid changes) or in our personal growth or personal lives. We do become different people as we move on, but then the movie and the forum offers you different things. I remember Nellie walking away for the longest time, when her life turned-over, she had a crisis, but she came back, still learning but in a different way. I remember talking Glenn (BrokenOkie) out of deleting his posts and his account, and now look at him, Chief Moderator (Fool!), I guess he found that the forum offered him something different at that point. There are many others that have gone away and come back, many come back only to lurk and post occasionally.
You have to tread your own path, it is a shame that you don't feel able to talk over things in your head in the threads, sometimes all it takes is one post to start off the conversation. But you have friends here that you can chat to in PMs and emails, don't forget that.
Often the dead-ends we see coming are of our own making, because we have a hurdle to cross, or some piece of growth to endure, but they pass.
Nick
xxx
Mia.....I wanted to respond to you about all this....I just hadn't had the right time to give it some good words...
I'm home for lunch right now and I only wish I had all day to talk to you....I don't want to go back to work...wish I can quit
but anyway...another story
I never want you to feel that your words are lost and forgotten. But I wanted to say to you that yes, at times I have felt that way as you have and still feel...so many times my emotions over take me and I feel as if all this was just some time lapse and that it no longer matters...it's over, time to move on...forget...but it isn't so... you do go thru some emotions and it helps to take a little time away to gather thoughts. You do feel that helplessness of maybe it's time to end my membership in this Forum.....you want to know how many times I've wanted to delete my account?....I will never tell and admit....I'm not in here nearly as much as I once was.
I won't go into detail with what's going on in my head....but I wanted you and everyone else to know...that what you say in here DOES matter....your feelings are REAL to me....I take your words with me and live my life...it's a gift I got from belonging to this Forum...this community. You use it in real life situations. I've always done that. Some days I do feel like no one knows me...no one cares...but our lives take on different avenues, different journeys and I know this isn't so.....feeling this way is silly....with some people you connect more so it doesn't mean that they don't care or don't want to be bothered.
I wish I had all the answers....why some days we feel so sad and lonely...as if no one understands...even our families and friends at home...but we must keep strong and stay focused....we will always be here for you..Mia...I know I will...don't ever feel that I'm too busy to respond to you...PM me any time.
Even as I sit here and write this....I feel like I can't express myself....I'm stuck with words to express what I really want to say...some days as I write in here I say to myself..."oh hell...I should delete this post...no one cares,I'm talking shit"...lol....than I say...who cares? lol...you're all my friends and my heart goes out to you all....yes, we miss our friends that have moved on....that have died....*sigh*....I reflect on the good memories...
I'm lost for words again....shit...ha ha ha...
Mia.....I love ya girl....you're a special person...don't ever forget that....((((hugs))))
Nellie...xo
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Oh (((((((((((((((((((((( Nellie )))))))))))))))))))))
Love you!!!!!! Can't imagine this place without you!
I'll collect my thoughts and be back to you!
You're the best!!!!!
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
-
Well said {{{{{Nellie}}}}}!!!
I am here for you too {{{{Mia}}}}}
Sal :-*
-
Well said {{{{{Nellie}}}}}!!!
I am here for you too {{{{Mia}}}}}
Sal :-*
Right back at you, (((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Sal ))))))))))))))))))))))
Thank you! :-* :-* :-*
-
Mia - I hope you can see what I can see - which is that this forum let me be myself in a way which shouldn't have been alien or strange, but it was. it should be possible to express how you feel in a post or PM without having to censor it. I think that's why this has worked for me.
People here want to know how you really feel. ::) :o :(
You are allowed to be down, up, or every which way. What matters is that you feel free to say if you feel down, isolated, and all that.
Because we love you.
(((((((((((((((Mia)))))))))))))))))))
Chris xxx
-
((((((((((((((((((( Mia )))))))))))))))))))))
So sorry you're having this to deal with, but some things do take many years to process. But getting them out in the open is the
first step, and always better than to keep them inside. By putting your thoughts and feelings into words, you've already taken
the first step to healing.
It's hard, I know........
Much love to you
:-* :-* :-*
((((((((((((((((((((((Mia)))))))))))))))))))))
I'm just catching up here after a few days away.
Sonja says it so well. Getting these things out into the open where you don't have to spend your energy trying to keep the doors closed, will be much healthier for you.
Even though it is a very difficult thing to work through.
Remember we are here for you.
Sending you much love. :-* :-* :-*
Debbie
-
Thank you for posting this to me
((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Chris and Debbie ))))))))))))))))))))))))))
You are friends indeed!!!!!!
:-* :-*
I'm really trying not to keep the doors to this closed. To have the strength to accept the pain and shortcoming during the sick periods. I really do. For many reasons. One thing is that I want to get in touch with the good memories of my father and my friend. Maybe it's easier to see beyond my fathers years of sickness... He was still himself, could communicate and all, except for the last days... Thinking about my friend is something else.... Because of the nature of her disease... And seeing her losing one ability after another once she got the diagnose, she knew she had the gene....
Maybe I have to find a way to accept that being next to them during the sick periods and nursing my son during his is a part of my life, a part of me.... Don't know if this makes sense to anyone else... As I said I must find a way not to use all this energy to keep the doors to this closed....
-
Thank you for posting this to me
((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Chris and Debbie ))))))))))))))))))))))))))
You are friends indeed!!!!!!
:-* :-*
I'm really trying not to keep the doors to this closed. To have the strength to accept the pain and shortcoming during the sick periods. I really do. For many reasons. One thing is that I want to get in touch with the good memories of my father and my friend. Maybe it's easier to see beyond my fathers years of sickness... He was still himself, could communicate and all, except for the last days... Thinking about my friend is something else.... Because of the nature of her disease... And seeing her losing one ability after another once she got the diagnose, she knew she had the gene....
Maybe I have to find a way to accept that being next to them during the sick periods and nursing my son during his is a part of my life, a part of me.... Don't know if this makes sense to anyone else... As I said I must find a way not to use all this energy to keep the doors to this closed....
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Mia))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
This makes perfect sense to me. The energy spent keeping the doors closed can be almost debilitating at times, and it takes the energy from the real issue..... which is facing a part of ourselves, things from the past.
I know this, because it is a pattern in my life too.
Sending you loads of strength and much love,
Your faraway kindred spirit,
Sue
:-* :-* :-* :-*
-
Thank you (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Sue )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
for your words and for being there all this time.... Not a day has gone by for the last year and a half without me thinking about how thankful I am for that... For your friendship....
Strength and love back at you! And positive energy!!!!!
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
-
''Americans Don't Want Cowboys to Be Gay:''
''Brokeback Mountain'' and the Oscars
The purpose of this essay is not to evaluate the relative merits of
either film as art nor to determine whether the Academy's rejection of
Brokeback Mountain demonstrated Hollywood's latent
homophobia, but rather to explore what the discussion on the
internet over Crash 's victory and carried on in blogs and newspapers
revealed about popular attitudes and perceptions concerning the
place of gays and lesbians in American society.
It is intended to be a snapshot of a particular moment, and that picture, not surprisingly,
reveals an America that is deeply ambivalent about homosexuality,
even among the most politically liberal straight supporters of gay
rights. Gregory King in the gay newspaper Bay Windows observed,
"the Academy's decision to award the Best Picture Oscar to Crash
rather than Brokeback Mountain says that we have a way to go
before films with gay characters at their core will receive Hollywood's
highest honor. How far, it is difficult to say.
The defeat of Brokeback Mountain was a serious blow, one that suggests that Hollywood
feels unable to endorse a gay love story with its highest honor."
[3] A rather stunning illustration of what Brokeback Mountain meant
to some gay men is the thread "How Brokeback Affected Me" at the
"Ultimate Brokeback Guide" on DaveCullen.com. As of early May,
2007, it had some 12,000 post with over 350,000 viewings. The posts
describe not only the loneliness of living in small towns and the
resulting sense of alienation, thus the profound identification with
the story of Jack and Ennis, but feelings of luck and fortune at living with their life partners.
http://www.interalia.org.pl/index_pdf.php?lang=pl&klucz=&produkt=1199706037-979 (http://www.interalia.org.pl/index_pdf.php?lang=pl&klucz=&produkt=1199706037-979)
-
Thanks John!
-
Thanks John!
You're welcome.
I wasn't sure if this had ever been posted here. I just found it today. I guess this was from a conference in Warsaw, Poland.
-
Happy Summer, everyone!! :D
I have to tell you...the other day I came across a conversation at work...some co-workers of mine talking about movies...they mentioned Brokeback Mountain...I wasn't part of the group having this conversation...I just happen to be around fixing a computer when this was going on....my ears perked up and I was eager to hear what was being said. I felt my head turn hot as they poked fun of it...but as I listened I noticed they were watching each others reactions and following suite....I had to open my big mouth...one thing that has changed me forever is that I have to defend...without any warning I was talking a hundred miles an hour.
I asked them what was so funny about the movie?...what didn't they understand?...what's wrong with loving w/o being ridiculed....they stood there and listened...heads down....of course they all changed their story...I was pissed...I asked them if they really understood the movie and it's messages behind it...I educated them as best I knew how...and asked them why is it that they felt uncertain to share their feelings...why couldn't they just speak up ?...I just don't understand...yeah maybe I went overboard...but shit....it really pissed me off....2 gay cowboys...that's all they saw...I don't care...maybe I opened their eyes...or maybe they think Nellie is a little off ...lol...
I'm not just a straight lady from Chicago sticking up for gay folks. I don't want to parade around and show off that I understand and support this community. I want to get rid of the stereo types that all seem to only see. Ugh....I want to shake people and make them stop...
Anyway....
Just a thought
Venting once again...lol
Nellie :D
-
Happy Summer, everyone!! :D
It's still Spring out here in California, but it feels like Summer.
Happy Summer to you too!
-
Happy Summer, everyone!! :D
I have to tell you...the other day I came across a conversation at work...some co-workers of mine talking about movies...they mentioned Brokeback Mountain...I wasn't part of the group having this conversation...I just happen to be around fixing a computer when this was going on....my ears perked up and I was eager to hear what was being said. I felt my head turn hot as they poked fun of it...but as I listened I noticed they were watching each others reactions and following suite....I had to open my big mouth...one thing that has changed me forever is that I have to defend...without any warning I was talking a hundred miles an hour.
I asked them what was so funny about the movie?...what didn't they understand?...what's wrong with loving w/o being ridiculed....they stood there and listened...heads down....of course they all changed their story...I was pissed...I asked them if they really understood the movie and it's messages behind it...I educated them as best I knew how...and asked them why is it that they felt uncertain to share their feelings...why couldn't they just speak up ?...I just don't understand...yeah maybe I went overboard...but shit....it really pissed me off....2 gay cowboys...that's all they saw...I don't care...maybe I opened their eyes...or maybe they think Nellie is a little off ...lol...
I'm not just a straight lady from Chicago sticking up for gay folks. I don't want to parade around and show off that I understand and support this community. I want to get rid of the stereo types that all seem to only see. Ugh....I want to shake people and make them stop...
Anyway....
Just a thought
Venting once again...lol
Nellie :D
Good for you, Nellie! I remember during Oscar season when an ad for the film came on in a SPORTS BAR and there was a huge amount of derision, nasty remarks, etc. To this day I can't believe I defended the film in that atmosphere but I'm glad I did. Don't ruffle my dander over BBM, folks!
-
Good for you both, Nellie and Mark.
I haven't yet been in a situation where I had to defend BBM, I hope I'll be as brave as you to if I ever need to do that.
-
I have had the privilege of defending the movie a few times out here in San Francisco.
There are some gay men who don't like the movie, and as soon as they hear that I'm a member of this forum they feel obliged to tell me what's wrong with the film, what they didn't like about it, etc.
The most common complaint is "Why does Jack have to die?", to which I usually reply: "He didn't have to, he shouldn't have, that's the point".
-
and we love you, Nellie!
:-*
-
((((((((((((((((((((((Nellie)))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((((((Mark)))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((((John))))))))))))))))))))))))
:-* :-* :-*
-
and we love you, Nellie!
:-*
What about ME, Chuck? (Sob, sniffle, and bawl) :'( I'll settle for a tickling. :)
-
Way to go
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Nellie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Mark)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((John)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
:-* :-* :-*
-
What about ME, Chuck? (Sob, sniffle, and bawl) :'( I'll settle for a tickling. :)
as if you need to ask. :)
-
Tonight, a member of the Academy, who is working on a documentary here in Portland about Powells Bookstore, gave me her Focus Features promo for the awards. An absolutely stunning layout of photos, citations and reactions... Coffee table sized. About wept paging through it. Almost felt I was clutching the shirts, but really I was embracing the friendships of this forum, formed from the blood of Ennis and Jack.
-
many of us are familiar with that item, larry. it is a prized possession.
-
Almost felt I was clutching the shirts, but really I was embracing the friendships of this forum, formed from the blood of Ennis and Jack.
Oh this tore me up :'(
((((((Larry))))))
-
Tonight, a member of the Academy, who is working on a documentary here in Portland about Powells Bookstore, gave me her Focus Features promo for the awards. An absolutely stunning layout of photos, citations and reactions... Coffee table sized. About wept paging through it. Almost felt I was clutching the shirts, but really I was embracing the friendships of this forum, formed from the blood of Ennis and Jack.
Oh ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Larry))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Here's to the friendships of the forum!!!!!!!!!
-
((((((((((((((((((Larry))))))))))))))))))
As Mia said, here's to these wonderful and amazing friendships!
-
Tonight, a member of the Academy, who is working on a documentary here in Portland about Powells Bookstore, gave me her Focus Features promo for the awards. An absolutely stunning layout of photos, citations and reactions... Coffee table sized. About wept paging through it. Almost felt I was clutching the shirts, but really I was embracing the friendships of this forum, formed from the blood of Ennis and Jack.
You DO have a way with words, bud......and hearts. :-*
-
Attention sports fans:
How it affected me? I just see it everywhere...
"I know people are trying to say we're mad at each other and all that, but we're good," he said. "We're like Brokeback Mountain." - Chad Ochocinco
http://www.bengals.com/news/article-1/chad-i-need-fans/f2c5f239-a796-4a2e-95bc-0e452ce3380b
-
Tonight, a member of the Academy, who is working on a documentary here in Portland about Powells Bookstore, gave me her Focus Features promo for the awards. An absolutely stunning layout of photos, citations and reactions... Coffee table sized. About wept paging through it. Almost felt I was clutching the shirts, but really I was embracing the friendships of this forum, formed from the blood of Ennis and Jack.
I was given a copy of this by a fellow flight att. that I worked with one day. When the subject of BBM came up, he straightaway told me of a friend of his who had given him some copies after doing promo work in London. He made my day by bringing one in to work and presenting it to me and I was pleased to be able to have it with me for all to enjoy at both the UK meets. (London and Oxford). Some of the comments are priceless... a real treasure.
-
Jimmy shared a copy with me that he received when he attended a showing in LA. It is one of the things I treasure the most!
I remember that Andy's copy of it at the London gathering, is what got us talking initially. Three hours later, we finally finished each of our stories of how BBM affected us, and the rest is history!
Andy is very special to me, and once again proves how BBM brings us together as family.
-
It's amazing, really, when I think about the connections I have made here........ all because of a movie. Incredible!
I haven't expererienced any of the "memorabilia" in person, or the larger gatherings, but the talks that I have had, both in person and virtually are very special to me. It's very hard to explain it to my real life friends and family, but there is no distinction anymore for me between my "real life" friends and my brokie friends........
-
This is kind of a test because I am new here.
My sister owned an antique store in Nanton Alberta, not far from where they filmed Brokeback. She rented antique furniture that appeared in the scenes at the farmhouse of Jack's parents. So, I feel, as distant as it is, that I have a personal connection to this life-altering movie.
Probably people have shared this somewhere here before, and I haven't yet read all the threads. As tragic as the story is, I think part of what I felt was incredible jealousy at the easy intensity of the love Jack and Ennis shared. Their problems arose from external prohibitions and not inhibitions! I have had many stabs at love but I never have felt the intensity of what Jack and Ennis had. As doomed as their lives and relationship was, they had lived that incredible love.
-
Welcome to the forum hamlet2b!
This is a good thread to read. The original "How Brokeback Affected Me" thread from 2005
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0)
We also have a site map here:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8878.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8878.0)
You might also be interested in our book:
Selected from among the most compelling writing on The Ultimate Brokeback Forum, the stories in Beyond Brokeback: The Impact of a Film convey the remarkable power of the film Brokeback Mountain to affect the lives of all sorts of people—straight and gay, old and young, male and female—on six continents. Ranging from the amusing to the emotionally devastating, the pieces collected in Beyond Brokeback crystallize the deep, frequently life-changing reactions of its often-unsuspecting viewers.
http://www.davecullen.com/brokeback/book/ (http://www.davecullen.com/brokeback/book/)
And be sure to check out http://www.FindingBrokeback.com (http://www.FindingBrokeback.com)
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Welcome hamlet2b!!
It's nice to see someone new around!
I hope you'll stay, and I'm sure you'll find out what a wonderful place this is!
It's full of people who all share the devastating gut punch we got from BBM.
Feel free to browse the threads, and post and share whatever you like.
-
It's amazing, really, when I think about the connections I have made here........ all because of a movie. Incredible!
I hear you Sue!!
"Incredible" doesn't even begin to cover it....
If someone had told me about BBM and the forum a couple years ago, I'd have said it's impossible.
But it isn't, and we're living the "impossibility" every day.
It's amazing beyond comprehension.....
-
It's amazing, really, when I think about the connections I have made here........ all because of a movie. Incredible!
I haven't expererienced any of the "memorabilia" in person, or the larger gatherings, but the talks that I have had, both in person and virtually are very special to me. It's very hard to explain it to my real life friends and family, but there is no distinction anymore for me between my "real life" friends and my brokie friends........
No it isn't....
It's just wonderful
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Sue))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
-
This is kind of a test because I am new here.
My sister owned an antique store in Nanton Alberta, not far from where they filmed Brokeback. She rented antique furniture that appeared in the scenes at the farmhouse of Jack's parents. So, I feel, as distant as it is, that I have a personal connection to this life-altering movie.
Probably people have shared this somewhere here before, and I haven't yet read all the threads. As tragic as the story is, I think part of what I felt was incredible jealousy at the easy intensity of the love Jack and Ennis shared. Their problems arose from external prohibitions and not inhibitions! I have had many stabs at love but I never have felt the intensity of what Jack and Ennis had. As doomed as their lives and relationship was, they had lived that incredible love.
Welcome, very welcome, Hamlet2b!!!!!!
It's good to have you here!
Mia from Sweden!
-
I feel truly blessed............
-
...
It's amazing beyond comprehension.....
Yes it sure is (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Sonja)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
-
But it isn't, and we're living the "impossibility" every day.
It's amazing beyond comprehension.....
It truly is. I agree!
-
I feel truly blessed............
Me too....
Here's to friendship and love!!!!!
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Sue)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
-
I feel truly blessed............
Me too....
Here's to friendship and love!!!!!
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Sue)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Yes, here's to that!!!!!
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Mia)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
-
I just caught up here, haven't read here in months, and am again overwhelmed and very moved by all the new and somehow familiar experiences.
It's an everlasting miracle, it seems. Heartbreaking and yet powerful, and, yes, it changes lives.
It has changed mine. Three and a half years by now, and counting.
-
I just caught up here, haven't read here in months, and am again overwhelmed and very moved by all the new and somehow familiar experiences.
It's an everlasting miracle, it seems. Heartbreaking and yet powerful, and, yes, it changes lives.
It has changed mine. Three and a half years by now, and counting.
Same amount of time for me and I too feel that it is a miracle.
My life has been forever changed..........
-
Well, here is is, 3+ years later, so many people met, some I am still in contact with and some not, so many trips taken, so many experiences, almost all great, some not so great.
I remember when we talked about when someone was going to hit 10000 posts and whether or not the forum was going to blow up or not. ::) Well here I am at 30000 posts, a few behind the top posters, and obviously we found out it did not!!! ;D
I have been going over some old pm's I answered way back in March of 2006, when I had been here only 3+ months, and still going through many feelings and had many questions. I was thinking, "I actually wrote this....wow!"
Here is one to a dear friend who is very much a part of my life now!
****, your whole post was wonderful, and no, not taken as a soapbox, but insight from someone who has lived life and seen so many aspects of it in many guises. Thanks so much for your wonderful insights. You are so right about the romantic love, there is so much more out there as I am finding every day. The relationships I take from here will last me a lifetime, the rest of mine at least, and it seems like at this time in my life, they are so much deeper and mean so much more to me. I have always said that this movie moves people so deeply only if they are ready for a change in their life. Searching for something more. I have found that to be my case and I did not even realize it until the impact of the movie hit me and I started interacting here.
It seems at time my life has been very narrow...I am finding that out the more I interact here and with so many of the wonderful people here. I do realize that no matter out experiences in life, we all have something to offer. I certainly hope this is the case. I am finding myself on this forum with the help of so many of you. It has truly opened up a whole new world for me, and made me realize not to be satisfied with what I have been but to go out and become someone and contribute something that has some meaning. I hope to accomplish this. Now off my soapbox. ;)
Yes. I do believe Rick has said to me to grab life by the balls and live. I think I knew that all along, but with the assistance of so many of you here, I am realizing this. He left a legacy of great love to me, our two sons, who have turned out to be so fantastic, due in great part to the love and support they received daily from their dad. I do deal with the issue that my life is going great, many positive things are happening, and still the little niggle in my head comes to the fore and says...do you deserve this, shouldn't you be sad that he is no longer here and you wouldn't be in this place except for the fact that he died. I still struggle with this.
Thank YOU for listening and allowing ME to share...I am truly amazed at what I receive so many times daily and want people to know this, and that what I return back is only a fraction of what I receive.
With love from Texas,
Linda
In November of that same year, I had made the decision to move on with my life, mentally and physically. The big result of how Brokeback Affected Me. This was a response to a very dear friend, who sadly is no longer a part of the the forum, or my life. He had a profound impact in my life. We talked about leaps of faith as a result of our experiences on the forum and the people we had met.
******,
Well it is the middle of the night for me and quiet on the forum and quiet here in my living room....on the couch where you and I shared so long ago (or so it seems) at the BBQ.....and I ought to be in bed, but this is something I have had in my head all day today after having read your post. I am sitting here surrounded by so many mementos given to me from the wonderful folks who graced me and my home with their presence, listening to a CD cut by *****....beautiful and such talent. Everyone I have had the joy and privilege to meet has contributed so to the fabric of my life at this time. I have not the words to express....it seems as the days progress the words retreat and the feelings increase.
**** spoke of puzzles and each and every person I have come into contact with here, be it ever so brief or long, has become a part of that puzzle of my life, completing that picture that started so long ago..... long before any of us knew about the movie, this forum and the people we have met here. Each piece continues to fit together....it mainly takes picking up and moving around those pieces until the right one is found and fits snugly into the adjoining pieces to continue to complete the picture. When one of those pieces is found and fits, a little bit more in our lives makes sense, or in some cases creates more questions.
When I first came here.....I was so FULL of questions and HAD to have the answers, needed to know what had brought me here and why I had reacted to the movie the way I did. Some questions got answered, some did not, but I became at peace with this and did not need to have answers in order for it all to make sense.
I never realized I had walls surrounding me, but indeed I did, only just realizing they were present. Had nothing to do with sexual orientation, but with continuing on with my life and being afraid to move forward and past all that I have experienced in the last 2 years. I saw the Ennis life, even though outwardly I seem like Jack. As you stated and as ***** said so many months ago, that it is not about BBM the movie, but BBM the people. The changes are from within, with the help of so many.
The disconnectedness you speak of has been my constant companion these last months....almost since the BBQ. It has become a real and difficult issue to deal with. So you see the BBQ has been the biggest blessing of my life and yet a curse. It has increased this NEED to seek something elsewhere, and this has made me realize I have yet to break those walls down those walls all the way. I am still feeling cowardly, and not quite so brave, like I want to retreat back into Ennis' trailer....that would be the easy way out and so much more simple.
My life here, my home, my family I have left here, all are good things. Your words put into black and white for me, the thoughts that have only been in my head to this point. We have touched on them in our IM's in the past, but since so much of this has been in the forefront of my thoughts, your words here in this post have brought them to life. We spoke of about our individual life journeys, and the collective journey of all, how it all is intertwined and we all intersect one anothers roads. You have run parallel to mine so many times with your words, and these roads sometimes run parallel, but often as not just cross. I have intersected so many roads with people here. Some I have felt would run parallel to mine forever, but realized that instead of converging they are diverging away, and for this I am sad, but realized that that is just part of the puzzle. Not all the pieces are going to fit. This is life and as much as I would like for these roads to stay together, they will not, and do not. The sadness and regret of this is just part of the journey I am finding.
Moving is the key word here. I like you have yet to figure out what that move may be or when it will present itself. I like you am not liking the unrest this promotes in me. I like things mapped out and decided. This is not the case here. I have yet to figure the where, just the "that I have to" in order for my soul to survive.
Is it scary, you bet.....is it difficult, that as well..... is it necessary in my life, absolutely!
As you put it, a "leap of faith" That it is, which is why it makes it that much more scary.
But I am brave, I can accomplish this...I must.
There is no need to answer this as I know you are very busy in the next many days, but just needed to verbalize what you had crystallized for me in your post. Thanks for the time and the ear and the shoulder, and most of all for you. You are truly one of the pieces of my puzzle that has made a fit and helps to complete my picture.
Linda
I have met many, many more people since then, changed my life very profoundly, and I am still here as is the forum. I am always thankful for this. Brokeback continues to affect me.
-
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Linda))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
-
Thank you so much for posting this here and now
Dearest ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Linda))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
-
(((((((((((((Linda))))))))))))))) thank you for what you say. I am so aware of your presence on the forum, both for your own contributions and in other people's interaction with you.
30,000 - many congratulations :-*.
-
^^^^^^^^
Here's to Linda's wonderful presence at the forum.
Congratulations to the amazing milestone. With love!
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Linda)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))!!!!!!!
-
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Linda )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
How wonderful for you to be able to look back at this incredible journey you have made, and how wonderful for us that you are letting us share it with you this way.
Some of what you're saying above resonates deeply with me at this point of my life.
Your impact on the forum and on me and so many of us is immeasurable.
You initiated the brokie gatherings, you are a daily friendly and supportive presence on the forum, and you work harder than any of us knows behind the scene to keep the forum the place it is.
Thank you.
Cant' wait to see you!!
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
-
(((((((Linda)))))))
:-* :-* :-* :-*
-
DCF (and the rest of this planet!) wouldn't be the same place without the fantastic, heartwarming and positive presence of
beloved
(((Lindalita)))
!!
:-* :-* :-*
Here's to YOU!
Ing & Mr S
-
To Linda, whom I love to call Zsa Zsa... ((((((BIG HUG!))))))
And kees, too! :-*
Love,
Mark
-
Linda! You are an absolute inspiration! :-*
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30,000? Jeez, you just cain't help yourself with the talking can ya? LOL!
smoochies
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30,000? Jeez, you just cain't help yourself with the talking can ya? LOL!
smoochies
::) ::) ::)
She needs to be reminded not to do it and walk at the same time.... :D :D :D
Loved the journey to the past, Linda!
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^^^^^^ Yep, Michael, I told him all about it!! ::) :D
And THANK YOU, Michael! :-*
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Thanks to all of you!!! You are what keeps me coming back and are all an inspiration to me!!!
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((((((((((((((((((((Linda)))))))))))))))))))))))
Thank you for being here, for being a part of my experience here!
Congratulations on reaching this incredible milestone!!
Love to you!
Sue
:-* :-* :-*
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30,000? Jeez, you just cain't help yourself with the talking can ya? LOL!
smoochies
::) ::) ::)
She needs to be reminded not to do it and walk at the same time.... :D :D :D
Loved the journey to the past, Linda!
Walking and talking? I assumed it was walking and Vodka (or wine).
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Walking and talking? I assumed it was walking and Vodka (or wine).
:"> :"> :D
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(((((((((((((((((Linda))))))))))))) - I am thinking it must be getting on for a year since Oxford? Maybe more already??? Thank you for being such a great inspiration to me and so many others. So many wonderful people I met - and I think your BBQ was the inspiration that showed me I probably wasn't crazy to want to meet these people - after all, you were quite obviously not crazy ;D
Long may you flourish xxx
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Great post, Linda! Thanks for sharing the memories!
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Thanks to all of you!!! You are what keeps me coming back and are all an inspiration to me!!!
Thanks for being here, dear Linda.
What would the forum be without you?
:-*
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I'm not sure whether I should be posting here or on 'How the DCF Affected me', but it all started with Brokeback anyway. And in fact I don't think I'm going to write very much anyway, although I fully intended to...
Today is the first anniversary of my joining the forum, a few days after I was bowled over by the film - and that was not on my first viewing but the second. I was going to list all the ways my life has changed, and I have changed, in that year, but it would all be familiar stuff, and you all understand the permutations anyway. And I sometimes find it hard to express what I feel.
Perhaps some of the strangeness is summed up by this:
I go on holiday in the French Pyrenees with some of my family and friends. I look at the view from the mountain top and I see scenes from the film and hear in my mind "Ennis looked across a great gulf and sometimes saw Jack, a small dot moving across a high meadow...". I take a photograph.
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi528.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fdd329%2Fsalmackenzie%2FFrance%25202009%2FPyrenees148.jpg&hash=ee530d70533c39f50b1484cfe76160a08cf2a601)
Then an American whom I've never met but feel I know makes an observation, and another American from the other side of the country responds. (It would have made a better story if he'd been in India or somewhere, but there you are.)
Brokeback sheep....
Wonderful scenery!
Kinda looks like they're trying to spell something!
:D
LMAO! :D :D :D
Wait a sec........................................-Maybe you're right...
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi606.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ftt142%2Fazbbm%2Fnomorebeans.jpg&hash=fc6a258a987bb4e7c60e9e0d2ec39901fb352d63)
Bad Air Day?
And I still laugh about it (and it's worth another viewing, Stan).
That couldn't have happened a year ago. I didn't expect still to be here today - every day I experience the reaching out around the world, and my life is the fuller for it.
-
we could arrange for a commentary from india, or japan, or australia, or greece, or argentina and so on, pretty easily if that would amuse, lol.
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And that's how come we end up here! (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi88.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fk189%2Fskinnjes%2Fheart.gif&hash=e49f7b64e956d8e963dcb8cb4e98827b82d96ff0)
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That's a wonderful way of expressing what this is all about Sara!!
:-* :-* :-*
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(((((((((((((((Sara)))))))))))))))))))
:-* :-* :-*
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Happy Anniversary Sara!
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Happy anniversary, (((((((((((((Sara)))))))))))))))))!!!
Glad that you enjoyed that!
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Happy Anniversary, ((((((((((((Sara))))))))))))
((((((((((((Linda)))))))))))) your story is very moving. Thanks for posting those PM's here, and congratulations on your latest milestone. You are a true leader of our forum and a great example for all of us to follow in life.
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Then an American whom I've never met but feel I know makes an observation, and another American from the other side of the country responds. (It would have made a better story if he'd been in India or somewhere, but there you are.)
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi606.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ftt142%2Fazbbm%2Fnomorebeans.jpg&hash=fc6a258a987bb4e7c60e9e0d2ec39901fb352d63)
Bad Air Day?
And I still laugh about it (and it's worth another viewing, Stan).
Definitely worth several viewings Sara. No good stories from India :-\ but a huge Brokie hug ((((((((((((Sara)))))))))))))))). Congrats on your first anniversary and wishing you many lovely milestones with Brokie friends from near and far.
And (((((((Stan)))))) no more beans friend, not for any of us.
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Happy anniversary (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Sara)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Thank you for being here and for making my life fuller!
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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Thanks (((((((((((((everyone)))))))))))))) for your words.
:-* :-* :-*
Sara
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Then an American whom I've never met but feel I know makes an observation, and another American from the other side of the country responds......
And an Italian comments, after a few days....... :D
(((((Sara)))))) happy anniversary!
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Grazie tante, cara Daniela :).
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Great commentary, Cara-Sara! And joyeux anniversaire.
We are happy to have you amongst us.
;)
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Thanks, Ingy - happy to be here :).
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Today is my 2nd anniversary of watching BBM for the first time.
It doesn't feel like a Historic Moment, it feels like just another day, coz now I'm living it.
I have nothing much to say, that I haven't already said on numerous occasions.
Something along the line of:
....devastated......gut punch......kept crying and crying......noone to talk to......DCF......kindred spirits......friendships.....why
us?......life altering experience......feels like family.......amazing........travelling......new friends......meeting in RL.......
Something like that. Please fill in the blanks, I know you can all do it.
And on Thursday I'm OFF TO SAN FRANSISCO!!!!!! ;D
Heh, heh....
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The blanks are filled in.... Have a wonderful time, dear Sonja :-* :-* :-*
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Happy second anniversary, ((((Sonja))))
Nothing special, maybe, but look at all these changes. Will be looking forward to seeing you in San Francisco.
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Thank you, dears (?) Sara and Debbie!
:-* :-* :-*
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HAPPY HAPPY SECOND ANNIVERSARY, ((((((((SONJA)))))))))!!!
And I can say happy, as all of us started out the same way as you did and have come this far to make it all happy!!!
So glad to be seeing you in real life on Thursday!!! This is what it's all about!!!! :-*
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Happy Second Anniversary Sonja!
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I have nothing much to say, that I haven't already said on numerous occasions. Something along the line of:....devastated......gut punch......kept crying and crying......noone to talk to......DCF......kindred spirits......friendships.....why us?......life altering experience......feels like family.......amazing........travelling......new friends......meeting in RL.......
Something like that.
(((((Sonja))))), my friend, congratulations on being here for two years! I think I will simply be able to cut and paste your post in a year or so, only it will be about me. I am so happy to know you from this wonderful place. Have a great time in SF. I know you will!
XO
Donna
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....feels like family.......
Feels like family? IT IS FAMILY!!!
Congratulations (((((((((Sonja)))))))) and thank you for being part of this family. Wishing you many amazing Brokie experiences in the years ahead.
:-* :-* :-*
-
Thank you so much ((((((( Linda, Chuck, Donna, Maya ))))))))))!!!!!
Yes, I'm so happy to be here with you all!!!
:-* :-* :-*
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Happy anniversary (((((((((((((((((((((Sonja))))))))))))))))))))))
What an excellent way to celebrate it!!!! With the Brokie trip!!!!
Have FUN!!!!!
:-* :-* :-*
-
Thanks ((((((((( Mia )))))))))))
I'm sure I will!!!
:-* :-* :-*
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I have nothing much to say, that I haven't already said on numerous occasions. Something along the line of:....devastated......gut punch......kept crying and crying......noone to talk to......DCF......kindred spirits......friendships.....why us?......life altering experience......feels like family.......amazing........travelling......new friends......meeting in RL.......
Something like that.
(((((Sonja))))), my friend, congratulations on being here for two years! I think I will simply be able to cut and paste your post in a year or so, only it will be about me. I am so happy to know you from this wonderful place. Have a great time in SF. I know you will!
XO
Donna
go for it (((((Sonja)))))
xxxxx Chris
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Happy Belated Second Anniversary (((((((((((((((Sonja))))))))))))))))) !!
It's so good to see you having such a good time in San Francisco!
-
Thank you (((((((( Chris and Sue )))))))))
I'm really having a great time here!!
-
When ever I watch Brokeback or hear music associated with it. My automatic reaction is to CRY. To let another piece or layer of my pent up repressed past... GO! I've been gay and knew of my attraction for men since I was about 10 or so. I grew up in a small redneck Pa. town called Speeceville. But after I was caught "getting it on" with a friend outback of the school bus shelter; my connection to boys was rigidly restricted by my grandmother, since my grandfather had died when I was 7. In high school i wanted and was asked to join the wrestling team, but grandma would have nothing to do with that idea. So Wrestling was always and unfulfilled Love, except to watch the Pros on TV. I remember how I would in my mind drool over Tony Garea, etc, etc. and then at night in my lonely bed room i would "Wack off". All my family and friends and pastor and church folks kept telling me about the evils of homosexuality. And how I was less than what I was to be, if I went in that way. So I went with the flow on the outside, But I longed inside to Be Me. Just Me. :(but hopeful that someday that would be possible. I came out for the first time in 1992 (I'm now going to be 56 in Nov.) But again I had to be careful how I acted, what I said, who I spoke with and when as I never knew when one of my RIGID FAMILY OR FRIENDS WOULD BE AROUND. So my only release was throught once a week Karaoke. In 1999 I was living an working in NYC with the homeless, but again I had to keep myself mostly closeted But to cut forward. Brokeback reminds me , that is ok... not just OK, but NECCESSARY for me and for all to BE TRUE TO MYSELF AND TO EACH OTHER AND SIMPLY BE. TO NOT BE AFRAID TO LOVE, TO RISK ,TO NOT FIGHT FEELINGS. TO LIVE LIFE AND NOT LET IT LIVE YOU. I am thankful that I followed my heart after an invitation from a cyber contact to move from the emotional drowning I was going through and move here to N.C. where I live with my FAMILY OF CHOICE. THAT KNOW AND ACCEPT ME FOR ME. And BROKEBACK is my daily reminder to SIMPLY BE AND LOVE. THANK YOU ALL FOR LETTING ME VENT. STAY STRONG AND LOVE ALWAYS. DONT'T STOP BELIEVING AND CARING ON FOLLOWING WHAT EVER YOUR HEART LEADS YOU ON TO.
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Welcome lovewarrior. It's is wonderful to have you with us. Thank you for opening your heart out. So happy to hear that you are able to follow your heart at last and to be your true self. You'll find a loving family ready to share, so stay around.
xxxxxx
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Welcome to the forum lovewarrior!
This is a good thread to read. The original "How Brokeback Affected Me" thread from 2005:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0)
If new members have questions, try "New Members Ask - Experienced Members Respond "
http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=4687.0 (http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=4687.0)
We also have a site map here:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8878.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8878.0)
You might also be interested in our book:
Selected from among the most compelling writing on The Ultimate Brokeback Forum, the stories in Beyond Brokeback: The Impact of a Film convey the remarkable power of the film Brokeback Mountain to affect the lives of all sorts of people—straight and gay, old and young, male and female—on six continents. Ranging from the amusing to the emotionally devastating, the pieces collected in Beyond Brokeback crystallize the deep, frequently life-changing reactions of its often-unsuspecting viewers.
http://www.davecullen.com/brokeback/book/ (http://www.davecullen.com/brokeback/book/)
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Welcome, lovewarrior. I hope you find some of what you're looking for and needing here - I'm sure you will :)
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Welcome to the forum Lovewarrior!!
Please stay around, you'll find lots of kindred spirits here.
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Welcome LoveWarrior!
-
It's heartbreaking to read your experience(s), lovewarrior.
We'd be glad to have you around here!
:)
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Welcome lovewarrior!
Thank you for posting, for sharing your experience with us.
It's nice to have you here!
-
When ever I watch Brokeback or hear music associated with it. My automatic reaction is to CRY. To let another piece or layer of my pent up repressed past... GO! I've been gay and knew of my attraction for men since I was about 10 or so. I grew up in a small redneck Pa. town called Speeceville. But after I was caught "getting it on" with a friend outback of the school bus shelter; my connection to boys was rigidly restricted by my grandmother, since my grandfather had died when I was 7. In high school i wanted and was asked to join the wrestling team, but grandma would have nothing to do with that idea. So Wrestling was always and unfulfilled Love, except to watch the Pros on TV. I remember how I would in my mind drool over Tony Garea, etc, etc. and then at night in my lonely bed room i would "Wack off". All my family and friends and pastor and church folks kept telling me about the evils of homosexuality. And how I was less than what I was to be, if I went in that way. So I went with the flow on the outside, But I longed inside to Be Me. Just Me. :(but hopeful that someday that would be possible. I came out for the first time in 1992 (I'm now going to be 56 in Nov.) But again I had to be careful how I acted, what I said, who I spoke with and when as I never knew when one of my RIGID FAMILY OR FRIENDS WOULD BE AROUND. So my only release was throught once a week Karaoke. In 1999 I was living an working in NYC with the homeless, but again I had to keep myself mostly closeted But to cut forward. Brokeback reminds me , that is ok... not just OK, but NECCESSARY for me and for all to BE TRUE TO MYSELF AND TO EACH OTHER AND SIMPLY BE. TO NOT BE AFRAID TO LOVE, TO RISK ,TO NOT FIGHT FEELINGS. TO LIVE LIFE AND NOT LET IT LIVE YOU. I am thankful that I followed my heart after an invitation from a cyber contact to move from the emotional drowning I was going through and move here to N.C. where I live with my FAMILY OF CHOICE. THAT KNOW AND ACCEPT ME FOR ME. And BROKEBACK is my daily reminder to SIMPLY BE AND LOVE. THANK YOU ALL FOR LETTING ME VENT. STAY STRONG AND LOVE ALWAYS. DONT'T STOP BELIEVING AND CARING ON FOLLOWING WHAT EVER YOUR HEART LEADS YOU ON TO.
Welcome friend,
So glad you decided to vent to us...your heart poured out,I felt it.....thank you for doing so and trusting in us. I sure hope you decide to venture off and get to meet us one by one, in your own way and in time. I'm so glad you decided to be yourself, to LIVE and to let go...I'm proud of you...it's never too late...
We're here for you.
Nellie
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Let me add my warm welcome to you Lovewarrior!
Thank you for coming here, for posting!
Looking forward to seeing yiou more.
:)
Mia
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Welcome, LoveWarrior!
I hope you stay and explore different parts of the Forum, and find people to talk to.
Looking forward to hearing more from you in the different threads.
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Hey all. I really don't know if this is the right thread, but then I must start off somewhere... I've just signed up!
First saw bits of BBM on TV about ten days ago. I was waiting for some show to start on another channel, and I was switching around. I was intrigued, and kinda sorry I missed the film. I was busy for a few days, then I spent this past weekend looking for BBM clips on YouTube. It wasn't really satisfactory (I did see some important scenes though), and I finally went out and bought the DVD on Monday. It completely blew me away! (Well, the YouTube scenes had already done, too.) Been crying over it for days now.
So expect me to turn up here regularly from now on (given that there are other obsessed people to talk to).
I apologise for any mistakes, English is not my mother tongue and I'm pretty tired (it's very late here, like 1:30 am).
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right place right thread... welcome juicy. you now have about 6000 people who know just what you mean.
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Hey all. I really don't know if this is the right thread, but then I must start off somewhere... I've just signed up!
Welcome to the forum Juicybit! This is indeed the right thread to start.
If you have time, please check out the original 'How Brokeback Affected Me' Thread that was started back in 2005. This is where a lot of us started.
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0)
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Very, very welcome to the forum, Juicybit!
Good to see you here.
:)
Mia
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Welcome juicybit! You found just the right place.....
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Thanks for the welcome. Well, I have now realised that a lot of people love BBM, but also I understand it came out years ago, so the forums are not as busy as they surely were back then.
Okay, so it was not entirely an accident that I saw (bits of) Brokeback on TV, I had half the mind to watch it anyway. The main reason being, I'm in love with a man (he's not in love with me... yet, I'm still hoping... but that's not the point) and I've seen him doing things that may be interpreted as slightly erotic, regarding his relationship with a male friend of his. And I've been wondering, am I imagining things? And if not, has he (or have they) got the potential to take this relationship further one day? I believe that if I truly love him, I must be understanding and supportive, whatever happens. So that's why a male-male relationship has been on my mind for some time and that's what got me interested in Brokeback when I saw it listed in the TV programme. Now I am fully aware that BBM is fiction and not a documentary about gay lifestyle and stuff, still... Mind you, he's not gay, I said "erotic" and I said "maybe"... I'm wondering if there are any women here on the forums who had similar reasons to explore same sex relationships?
Also, I want to add, I'm not into movies and don't go to the movies as a rule, I hardly ever watch TV... I must have a very good reason to watch something. That's how I missed Brokeback when it was in cinemas. I heard about it though at the time, saw advertisement and stuff. I remember reading some snickering review (well, more like, it was just mentioned in some online article I read), it was very off-putting. That guy probably hadn't seen the movie, or he is one of those people who are never moved by anything...
Could you please tell me where to ask for advice about different DVD releases? I bought a localised DVD (it has also got English sound and subtitles, thank God), but I believe there are other (British? American?) releases with more extras, I might want to order those. I have searched Amazon but no details about extras there.
Update: I have found and read the thread about DVD extras.
Sorry if this post is too long, but we are here to talk, right?
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Hello juicy, you came to the right place, and these are topics i think you'll find can be explored with my fellow members, a splendid bunch of people :-*
--- oh, and if you think that's a long post, you can definitely look back and see that it's very concise and to the point. But some people really did have a lot to say, and you can read some of their stories in the Forum book, also available from Amazon. Some of these people are still around and contactable, too.
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Haha, no, I don't think it's long, but I know a bunch of people who would. Oh well.
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Another gathering has ended up in Alberta. It was then down the road, out of Canada, and back away to chores and duties. The cool rainy mist of memory will veil Brokeback Mountain for another while.
So many folk to see and meet up with at Canmore, agreeably intermingled from Bettermost, Cullen and FindingBrokeback. Further sites were located from the film... such as the place Jack snoozes with the dog sitting by.
Spent a long time alone in Cowley at the tiny alley where Ennis threw up and cried. A wooden barrel filled with Marigolds now guards the entrance. From Ennis's tears, from the hard gravel where he crouched and upon which they fell, has flowered insight and resolve and courage. May these bloom forever. And the memory of Heath Ledger.
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Larry, I am so glad you were able to come to Alberta this year. I enjoyed talking to you, and even though it didn't have anything to do with Brokeback, I really enjoyed our trip up to Banff and Lake Louise.
Good luck with your chores and duties now that you are out of the cool rainy mist of Canada.
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Debbie (Dejavu) drove a very small herd of us Brokies up to Banff and Lake Louise... through occasional buckets of rain and hail. Many thanks, Debbie, for taking the wheel!
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I will begin this post with a confession. I only just watched BBM for the first time two days ago, well over three years since its release. I must also confess that I think I was intentionally avoiding it for all these years. I rarely see films in the theater, this one being no exception. Sometime after the DVD release, I rented it through our blockbuster subscription. It sat unwatched on the shelf for several months before my husband insisted on mailing it back. I could not bring myself to watch it. It never felt like the right time.
I think I had some suspicion of how much it would impact me, from the little I read in heard in the news. I am a “delicate” viewer of movies, especially dramas. I savor good films the way some might savor rich deserts; I can only partake of them occasionally, and I want to mull over every bit. Part of me feared that BBM would overwhelm me, and that part of me was pretty much right.
I don’t know what changed the other day, but I finally decided to take a peek and read a summary of the story on Wickipedia. I wanted more, but I wasn’t yet ready to commit to the film, so I tracked down a website with the text of the short story. By the end of the story, I was desperate to see the movie. Good thing we can now access Amazon on demand… even if it’s just for 24 hours. I know I will have to purchase the DVD.
Like others have posted here, I feel like I have caught Brokeback “fever.” It feels to me very much like falling in love—can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t stop thinking about it, wanting to know every little detail. I feel bruised and raw and torn open.
I am a 28 year old woman married to an amazing man. So, like probably some other women here, it’s hard for me to understand why this film has moved me so deeply. I have been scouring the internet for reviews, commentaries, and discussions that can help me put into words these feelings. Thankfully, for me, there’s a lot of material out there!
I’m glad I found this forum, for I was worried that my enchantment and obsession were getting out of control. I am still uncertain of the reasons for this intensity, but at least I know I’m not alone in this. I am incredibly moved by your stories of how this film has touched and changed your lives, sometimes quite dramatically. Thank you so much for putting them out there for the world to read.
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You are welcome here and to the stories.
A film that changes life - an amazing thing ain't it?
Nick
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Welcome to the Forum, Rebecca!
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Welcome Rebecca!
That feeling of "Why me?" Us straight women ask ourselves that over and over again, our loved ones ask it of us too. Why has this film affected you this way when you aren't gay?
I don't have an answer, other than to say, that whatever the answer to that question is, I'm glad it was me.
It brought me to this forum where I have learned so much, experienced so much, met so many wonderful people, and made so many friends all over the world, that I wouldn't change a minute of it.
I do hope that your experience is the same.
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Welcome Rebecca! It's great to see you here! We love when new people join us, and share their experiences.
Please feel free to post, ask questions, and read!
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Hi Rebecca! Welcome!
I have been thinking about Rebecca's question of "Why us?" a lot lately. I wonder the same thing. I am inclined to think that it is because we are such passionate people, we were affected by Jack's death in such a way that made us not only understand that we could have made different choices along the way in our lives, but also that we are so very satisfied in our own passionate lives that the movie's ending gives us a glimpse of what life may have been like if we did not have that passion. When we realize that, we just have to do more- to understand this passion in ourselves and to bring the beauty of that passion into the world around us.
Just my $0.02. I only saw the movie for the first time in March, but here I am!
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Hi Rebbecca, I am going to be completely superficial now. We all love the story behind Brokeback. I play it through my mind every day,plucking out favorite scenes over and over again and lose myself in them for a few exquisite moments.Here comes the " what if" . What if the characters of Ennis and Jack had not been played by two such delicious actors as Heath and Jake?? Would it have pulled at our heart strings as much then? Don't want to upset anyone but......really....what if they had used people more to the description in the short story?? Just go with me on this one.(By the way Heath Ledger is in my soul!!)
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rebecca,
i am on quite the opposite end of the spectrum from the previous poster, and i have to say, it grieves me to have such a wrenching story and such extraordinary performances reduced to cute boys getting it on in a tent titillation. i know that it is that for some, but having lived that story, it hurts none the less.
there are a number of us posting here who are currently in our sixties who have lived through and somehow survived the corrosive homophobia of those times and see even today young lives being warped or destroyed by it.
by annie's own words, this was never intended to be a love story, but a treatise on rural homophobia. it is a testament to her writing and perhaps the never before revealed truths of thousands martyred men demanding to be told that that love overwhelmed the deformed lives that homophobia creates.
that said, it will probably be a long long time before you have to look anywhere else for fresh insight into the power of this story and film.
i hope you will follow the link provided and buy a copy of our self produced book, BEYOND BROKEBACK. you will meet many of our early arrivals within its pages culled from the first year of our posts.
you are home and you are welcome.
jack
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Thank you everyone so much for the kind welcomes! I appreciate them. I made more effort this evening to put this into words... partly because I need to before I can get back to the rest of my life! So here it goes....
One of the things that I find most profound about this movie is the raw vulnerability that I sometimes see in these characters. By vulnerable, I do not mean passive or weak. Meriam-Webster says that vulnerable means “open to attack or damage” and “capable of being physically or emotionally wounded.”
I feel like male vulnerability is something we rarely see in on-screen relationships, whether they are homosexual or heterosexual. So few male actors, it seems, are willing, or even able, to be vulnerable on camera. (Actually this is true of many female actresses as well). Vulnerability, I suspect, is next to impossible to "pretend" or “act.” So I believe that the vulnerability that we see between Jack and Ennis must be genuine vulnerability shared between Jake and Heath. That these two men were so vulnerable with each other on camera is obviously extraordinary, but that they were vulnerable at all was by itself incredibly brave.
Honestly, I suspect that many men in real life (and quite a few women too) find vulnerability quite difficult, regardless of their orientation. American society has certainly progressed in how much it allows men to feel and express emotion, though I realize there are still limits, often quite painful ones. However, it seems like male vulnerability is still hard for us to accept.
I have had several very close relationships with men, both romantic and platonic, at different times. And yet, even within those relationships, I have only seen moments of true vulnerability in the men that I have loved.
Real vulnerability requires one to be completely open to and trusting of the other. It is so hard for so many of us to allow that in ourselves or in each other. But it is only when we are truly vulnerable with each other that we are able to connect spiritually or psychically.
We are all accustomed to seeing sexual love, romantic love, and platonic love, both in films and in real life, even though that love is usually heterosexual.
But we rarely witness spiritual love, either on the screen or in our own lives. Brokeback Mountain is significant not only because of its portrayal of the deep love shared by two men; it is special, perhaps stands alone, because of its portrayal of a powerful spiritual connection shared by two human beings. I can think of few, if any, other films that have achieved this. Perhaps this is a reason why Brokeback has awakened a hungering in so many of us, both gay and straight, male and female, and everywhere in between.
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Welcome to the forum Rebecca !
Please be sure to check out the archived threads when you have time.
Like Jack said, you may want to get a copy of our book too. Some of the best posts from them earlier days are in the book.
I made a video ad for the book a couple of years ago when we had a screening of the movie in Bay City, Michigan on Oscar Night 2007.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdmF1awN224 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdmF1awN224)
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Welcome Rebecca, and we so recognise the mutual symptoms.
Like others have posted here, I feel like I have caught Brokeback “fever.” It feels to me very much like falling in love—can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t stop thinking about it, wanting to know every little detail. I feel bruised and raw and torn open.
An interesting post about vulnerability - in fact it could be continued in the Elements and Themes E and J's Relationship thread...
And vulnerability is a good word for the effect of BBM fever too: I've toughened up again now (I arrived just over a year ago) but still get relapses.
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Hi Rebbecca, I am going to be completely superficial now. We all love the story behind Brokeback. I play it through my mind every day,plucking out favorite scenes over and over again and lose myself in them for a few exquisite moments.Here comes the " what if" . What if the characters of Ennis and Jack had not been played by two such delicious actors as Heath and Jake?? Would it have pulled at our heart strings as much then? Don't want to upset anyone but......really....what if they had used people more to the description in the short story?? Just go with me on this one.(By the way Heath Ledger is in my soul!!)
You make a valid point, Sue but I have to say that the performances of J&H way outshone any physical attraction they have. It's a sad reflection of our world that physical appearance plays such a pivotal role in how we relate to people, be it beautiful or not so. If anything, I would say that the movie, as presented to us by Ang Lee would have been every bit as powerful with lesser looking actors as long as they were of the calibre of J&H. IMHO. :)
Rebecca, welcome to our wonderful forum. I hope you continue to post and enjoy the stimulating fallout of this very special interaction between Brokies of all shapes, sizes and colours. I still don't think I could sum up the effect of this movie on me. It's so multi faceted and continues to steamroll through my emotions like nothing else has.
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Hi Everybody, I knew it was going to be a cat amongst the pigeons question ! Well Jack I'm with you, I believe the story/film held more to it than just "pretty boys". I have friends who got married to appease family/society and divorced causing all sorts of heart ache and in the end risked wrath by going their "own way" to find "the one". I do hope that people became admirers of Heath and Jake because of their portrayals of Ennis and Jack in the film and what they brought to it. And I hope the subject of the story makes people think and open up their minds and hearts and makes them more accepting of things that are, to them, different. That the beauty of love can shine through all prejudices.
Love to you all, Sue.
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Oh, I so agree, Jake and Heath are, or in Heath's case were, beautiful, but that didn't really have anything to do with why the film was so powerful. It was the fact that they were exquisite actors, that did display their very souls to us, and that had absolutely nothing to do with good looks.
Particularly the sex scenes, being so free from falseness, flowing draperies, body doubles, (not that they needed them), was extraordinarily moving. Showing that it is not just beautiful, airbrushed, people that have, and enjoy sex. A fact strongly missing in most "romantic" films.
The tent, the dirty fingernails, it was real and honest, and moving beyond words.
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Hi Rebecca. Nice to see that more and more people stumble upon Brokeback even these days. I'm a newbie myself, having seen Brokeback for the first time about ten days ago.
Interesting thoughts about vulnerability - I agree it is a key factor to the success of the story, its effect upon our hearts. (Would elaborate, but have no time for that now - maybe later.)
As for the looks of Heath and Jake... I'm in two minds. Actually when I first saw (bits of) the film, I thought they were way too young and good looking for their roles! I was almost disappointed. I had, for some reason, expected older and more mature actors. Whereas now, I would not swap them for anyone else and I feel really happy about the way they look! (and, man, they do look cute, don't they) Anyway, I'm not the type of woman to fall for pretty Hollywood stars, so I like to think that, although they are indeed good looking, their incredible performance outshines their looks and that's what really matters.
Update on my life: I have ordered the two disc edition DVD from Amazon. It's Region 1, so I'll be in trouble... but I'll just find a way to watch it somehow I guess. I'm still trying to figure out the cheapest and easiest way to buy or order the soundtrack CD and the book... and the screenplay.
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lol @juicy...
that all sounds SO familiar ;D :D ;D
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Welcome to the forum Rebecca! Vulnerability - that probably describes some of the forum members I had the pleasure of meeting. These are real flesh-and-blood people who were and are very open to being completely bowled over by this film, and both happy and eager to share that. One of the qualities that makes Brokie gatherings special, I think. We all have some of that vulnerability.
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Chris
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Update on my life: I have ordered the two disc edition DVD from Amazon. It's Region 1, so I'll be in trouble... but I'll just find a way to watch it somehow I guess. I'm still trying to figure out the cheapest and easiest way to buy or order the soundtrack CD and the book... and the screenplay.
Hi Jb,
Welcome. It is indeed wonderful to see that folks are still coming to our movie so long after the beginning.
Your comment about region 1 has me thinking you're in Europe somewhere? If you're in the UK, then there is a hack that enables most dvd players to become multi region, if that is a problem for you. let us know. :).
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Wow, two new members while I was away!
Very welcome to the forum Juicybit and Rebecca!!!
If you stay around, you'll find like minded people and good friends here.
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Hello Everyone.
I have come 'back' to post a loving memorial and notification of the passing of one us Brokies.
My VERY dear friend: JT/EDM passed away last Monday 17th August 2009, 5 days short of his 82nd birthday, most probably at his home in Arizona. Dick was his name.
Dick's / JT/EDM's last post to the forum, was made to this thread (Reply 1902 on March 5th, 2009).
Here is what he wrote at that time:
"Matt...75
I need only glance out the window to see My Brokeback; a range of mountains, nothing like Wyoming but respectable mountains nonetheless. Along the crest of the range there is a notch, wide and deep. It's enough to make the analogy more real than not. I hear the opening notes of the film and then Shawn Kirchner's "Meet Me On The Mountain" and I am overcome. I weep for the loss of Ennis and Jack, of Heath and Jake - my loss, your loss, and ours. And that is as it should be for life is tragic.
That reality is both burdensome and beautiful. That's my message from Brokeback. It's easier to bear when recognized than when denied. If you allow it, Brokeback, in time, will speak its own special message to you - different from mine - but comforting and you will be glad that you are alive to hear it. Be not confounded. This and more will come to pass and you will find it good. It's then that I turn to Kirchner's "I'll Be On My Way" and my spirit soars.
Be of good heart. Stay with us Matt. We have all been though it one way or another and we are all glad to have Brokeback, each other, and you. JT/EDM"
In re-reading that posting, I am brought right back to his presence; as a close reading of it shows his love, caring, sympathy, empathy, compassion, wisdom, and understanding for all; and most especially for all of us Brokies.
Dick did not post to the forum very often, his profile shows a total of 45 postings in over 2 years of membership; yet he read widely on the forum every day. If you click on his profile and read any of those few postings, you will see the deep thought and understandings in each of them which typified this most marvellous man -- and may learn something from his wisdom.
When he made his early postings, he dearly hoped that thoughtful Brokies would engage with him on the issues, either on the threads, by PM, or both. He quickly found, however, that most were not willing to engage with him at all. I had the good fortune to engage with him via PM on some issues; from which a most wonderful relationship emerged.
He had lots of tragedy in his life, including always feeling on the outer as a young boy (a common-enough component of many of the earlier stories here in Affected); through to losing his only son as a baby in a cot-death, which resulted in a court case at which time he and his wife had to prove that they had not been the cause of the death -- at a time when the concept of 'cot death' was not known and when also he and his wife were living away from their families and had no emotional support networks. They were cleared of all suspicions/charges. Their other child was a dearly beloved daughter, who was murdered as an adolescent by a troubled young lad who they had taken into their home as a foster-son, and had become very attached to. Dick said that this event was like losing another 2 children at once, because the foster-son had also come to be like a son to them. His wife developed permanent disabilities as a result of this event from which she never recovered.
Not long after I first started writing to JT/EDM, he told me that he had had no love and no sex in his life in the 20 years since his wife's death. I don't think that he realised it at the time, but he did have constant friends, current and ex-neighbours, and others in his life, who I believe must have loved him; after he had told me of how solicitous of him each of them has been.
He also soon told me that his day was not complete without receiving a message from me. How lovely that was to read, right at the time when I was trying to deal with a broken Brokie heart of my own.
In that context I thought that if I could try to write one note to him each day, not necessarily deep, but even about the most mundane items of my daily life; then I might be helping to "make" his day. And so our correspondence moved from deep analyses and discussion, to include shallow and throw-away personal daily minutiae. In this way we each learned so much about each other's life history, as well as about our likes, dislikes, etc. We were constantly amazed at the number of times that one of us expressed himself to be in complete accord with the opinion or attitude expressed by the other. It got to the stage where we were surprised when we were not of one mind on an issue. (ha ha). At one time he said that at his advanced age he had never expected to finally find a male soul-mate in this life; and he was thrilled that we had become so. I would log onto my e-mail box at about midnight Australian time, which was around 5 or 6 a.m. Arizona time, and we would frequently write back and forwards to each other for one, two, three hours or more.
We started to include deeply personal and private stuff -- like his tragic events mentioned above -- and as we did, I sensed myself drawing ever closer to him emotionally. We were 100% honest with each other on our feelings, opinions, histories, etc. In recent months I realised that my emotional attachment to him had grown to the level of love. So I told him so. He seemed a little diffident at first, scared I think of being hurt if he reciprocated loving feelings and I turned out to be shallow: understandable in an internet e-mail friendship. Then each of us slowly started to unbend and to sign off our notes with love.
In recent months his already poor health started deteriorating badly, requiring quite a bit of hospitalisation in addition to his already constant medications. With hindsight that was good for me in that it forcibly weaned me off our long daily e-mail contacts; especially when after his latest return home, he was too weak to write me more than one or two lines each day. Accordingly, I am not 'missing' such deep, long, daily contacts, as I would otherwise have done.
I could write about my dear JT/EDM for hours, but must draw this to a close; as I have already 'raved on' for far too long about him.
I'd like to close with something which he said recently -- paraphrasing as I cannot yet find the relevant message to quote properly -- which was that his world changed when he read a quotation by a famous American (sorry that I have forgotten who it was) who basically said that IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE ANYTHING IN THE WORLD, JUST LOOK AT IT FROM A DIFFERENT VIEWPOINT OR PERSPECTIVE. He said that the more that he investigated that, the more that he found it to be true; and the more he tried to incorporate it into his daily life. This led him to research on the related topics of PERCEPTION and PERSPECTIVE, which he saw as being what that saying was all about.
As to me: at the moment I feel no sadness at his passing, as he had well prepared me for it over past days and weeks; as had his best friend and executor who wrote when Dick was unable to. Instead of sadness, I am left with the most wonderful mental and emotional legacy from a man who is probably amongst the wisest of people who I have ever encountered in my life.
JT/EDM I grew to love you deeply; and just wish that so many more in the Brokie world had taken the opportunity to be the recipients of your wisdom, attitudes, knowledge, etc.
Addendum: My apologies to Ennis Del Mark, Tigs, and McNell1120 (Nellie) for my not having replied to your lovely notes on here subsequent to my previous posting immediately following JT/EDM's final one.
Best wishes to all; and my gratitude to my roughly half-dozen VERY special Brokies who have sustained me through the past 2 years. I have grown to love each of you in a different way.
Regards: Johnnyx
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JohnnyX
Thanks for letting us know of JT/EDM's passing. My condolences to you.
Hugs
Sal :-*
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Your post was beautiful and moving...and your tribute to this special man far from a rave but more of a true heartfelt expression of how you felt about him.
Thank you for posting.
My sincerest sympathies...
Ted
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Dear Johnny
I don't know you or JT/EDM, although now I look at some of his posts I recognise them and remember that I've appreciated them. I was very moved by your post and so sorry for your personal loss and the loss to the forum. A tragic life - I'm so glad that Dick found support here and in particular from you.
Thank you for his story.
Sara
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Johnnyx, Thank you for posting the sad news about JT/EDM.
I forwarded a copy of his last post to Shawn Kirchner.
Fritz and I made a video of "I'll Be On My Way" last summer in Los Angeles. Shawn and Ryan dedicated the song to Heath, but tonight I want to dedicate it to JT/EDM.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUWRLRpPyI0 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUWRLRpPyI0)
the music starts about 3 minutes into the video.
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Shawn sent me an email tonight.
He and Dick (JT/EDM) talked a few times via email.
Thanks for sharing this. It's an honor to be a part of someone's meaningful moments.
I hope he was peaceful as he went. Now he's "on his way."
~Shawn Kirchner
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Dick did not post to the forum very often, his profile shows a total of 45 postings in over 2 years of membership; yet he read widely on the forum every day. If you click on his profile and read any of those few postings, you will see the deep thought and understandings in each of them which typified this most marvellous man -- and may learn something from his wisdom.
Hello Johnny,
Thank you for taking the time to post this message to us about Dick. He may not have a high post count, but his posts had an impact on those who read them.
I often look at the "Who's Online" feature, and always saw "JT/EDM" online daily, and it will feel very strange not to see that user name there any longer.
I have posted about Dick in the "Mourning Someone Who Died" thread, and linked to your tribute here. If you would like to post there as well (but if you don't that's fine too) here is a link to my post in the thread.
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8581.msg1649050#msg1649050
I'm sure that right now Dick is having a Brokie Reunion with Jackie (PaintedShoes), Rance (Osprey) and our other Brokie friends who have gone up on the mountain.
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I'm sure that right now Dick is having a Brokie Reunion with Jackie (PaintedShoes), Rance (Osprey) and our other Brokie friends who have gone up on the mountain.
I'm just thinking Heath and Lovelysmom too (who is in his age group).
I feel deep regret that I never got to interact with Dick. I wrote to Johnny, whom I haven't talked to before either, and received a beautiful response. I am looking at Dick's posts now
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?action=profile;u=2886;sa=showPosts;start=30
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Johnny, I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thank you for your beautiful post, I was very moved by it.
I'm glad that Dick had such a profound and rewarding friendship with you in the last years of his life.
I hope you'll be able to think about the good times you had together too, not only the grief.
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Wow!!! I am blown away by the lovely responses which I have received, both here on my dearly loved Affected thread, and via PMs. Thank you to EACH one of you for your lovely messages. They have truly touched me.
John: I followed your link to "On My Way". Thank you so much for that, and for dedicating that posting to Dick. I KNOW that he loved all of Shawn Kirschner's music, and that he would be DEEPLY touched to have that dedicated to him. It was a lovely clip, and it was good to see your own good-looking head featuring in some of the shots when the camera panned around the room. What a lovely gathering it seemed to be there too. Just watching it and listening to the music, brought tears to my eyes for the first time since Dick passed away. A lovely touch, John, for which I thank you with much gratitude.
(Whilst in Youtube, after On My Way ended, I just had to find Shawn's "Meet Me On The Mountain" and play that again. It was lovely to hear it again too.)
I am thrilled also that my posting has inspired some of you to look at Dick's postings and to thereby start to learn a little about this very special and very wise gentleman who has made my own life so much richer in recent years. I do hope that some of his thoughts, attitudes, approaches, might help some of you in dealing with your own grief or issues.
My good wishes are extended to each of you lovely people out there. Thank you for being so caring.
Fond wishes from oz: JohnnyX
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My condolences also, Johnny. I'm glad you enjoyed the video. It was wonderful being there and to listen to those great performers singing those amazing, heartwrenching songs.
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Hello Fritz. Thank you for your thoughts. I hadn't realised that you were at Shawn's performance, so I will have to look at it again -- any excuse! ha ha -- and look for you this time.
Thanks for your kind note. Regards: Johnnyx.
My condolences also, Johnny. I'm glad you enjoyed the video. It was wonderful being there and to listen to those great performers singing those amazing, heartwrenching songs.
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Well, I'm not quite visible in the video, since I was behind the camera the whole time. Please forgive the shakiness!
Glad you enjoyed it!
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Wow!!! I am blown away by the lovely responses which I have received, both here on my dearly loved Affected thread, and via PMs. Thank you to EACH one of you for your lovely messages. They have truly touched me.
John: I followed your link to "On My Way". Thank you so much for that, and for dedicating that posting to Dick. I KNOW that he loved all of Shawn Kirschner's music, and that he would be DEEPLY touched to have that dedicated to him. It was a lovely clip, and it was good to see your own good-looking head featuring in some of the shots when the camera panned around the room. What a lovely gathering it seemed to be there too. Just watching it and listening to the music, brought tears to my eyes for the first time since Dick passed away. A lovely touch, John, for which I thank you with much gratitude.
(Whilst in Youtube, after On My Way ended, I just had to find Shawn's "Meet Me On The Mountain" and play that again. It was lovely to hear it again too.)
I am thrilled also that my posting has inspired some of you to look at Dick's postings and to thereby start to learn a little about this very special and very wise gentleman who has made my own life so much richer in recent years. I do hope that some of his thoughts, attitudes, approaches, might help some of you in dealing with your own grief or issues.
My good wishes are extended to each of you lovely people out there. Thank you for being so caring.
Fond wishes from oz: JohnnyX
Fond wishes and warm thoughts back to you (((((((((((((((Johnny))))))))))))))!!
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;) ;)...to Johnny... :-*
It's good to see that people can still come in here and vent. Tell stories good or bad. I haven't been here in awhile...haven't really been posting much either. I'm finding this "peace" in my heart...almost feels like another chapter is closing in on me and a new one beginning. Ever feel this way?
My life is still changing, I guess it will always be this way as we grow older,wiser....kids growing up...different experiences I guess. Work loads taking a new direction. I feel so "different" now. There's always room for change,but one must want it as well. I never thought I could change...never thought luck would find me . But as I wandered off and found this movie of ours,this Forum... I realized luck is always there for you, you must reach out and find it...touch it and live it....accept it...never look back...take risks.
In 5 months or so,it will be 4 years for me...I can't even believe this . I have taken more risks these past 4 years than in all my life. Not all have worked out for me,but I'm still here...happy,healthy,blessed for living yet another wonderful day...
I've had many ups and downs these past few months as well. It hasn't all been easy. I haven't found the strength some days to say hello or even respond to any newbies as I once have. I haven't felt "connected" lately. But all in all...God...what a fool I can be....what I shared in here all these months and months, all the people I have grown to love...people who have passed and left us....all of that...their hearts and souls left an impact on us all...the impact is far more greater than a few goofy simple lines on a thread....they're all saved in my heart. The connection is right here,in my heart.
Reading Johnny's post sparked something in me....PM's that we shared. And still sharing...people like that that show up every now and than...it's okay. We remember who they are...we remember their pains...we remember their joys. We've shared so much in here. We will never forget the one's who have touched us so much in this Forum and still continue to hold us close..it's good to hear from folks...my mind wanders and no one can take that away from me...EVER!
I continue to hold you close in my heart...you all know who you are.
and for the new folks and the one's that don't know me....you guys are great. I lurk and read all your stuff. Never feel lost..never feel afraid that we'll think you're crazy,silly...stupid....we've all been thru all that...you will be okay...BELIEVE in yourself...ALWAYS believe in yourself...don't sell yourself short..
your friend,
Nellie
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Nellie,
Touching post...I can feel and relate to so much you are saying...I don't know, I really don't know whether it is over or not. Things have changed...I think things are meant to change, we are meant to change.
I am sitting here having a white wine spritzer, don't drink those often but it seems right for those at this time of the year, when summer wanes and the sun is still warm but lower in the sky and the trees seem full but somehow faded, you can feel the lazy days of summer nearing their end but the true feel of autumn hasn't arrived...
I have been thinking of the last 3 1/2+ years (saw the movie in December 2005) of my life and everything this movie has brought me, the good times, the not so great times, the friendships, the tears, the laughter, the joy but also the profound and deep sadness one feels when you think of Jack, gone but never forgotten and Ennis, somewhere, maybe still dreaming of Jack, maybe still dreaming of the cold time up on the mountain when there really was no care in the world...
It is still funny how this movie does drive you to take those challenges, face what is in front of you, see if you can make a difference...
Thanks for posting your thoughs...
Cheers, Ted
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Reading Johnny's post sparked something in me....PM's that we shared. And still sharing...people like that that show up every now and than...it's okay. We remember who they are...we remember their pains...we remember their joys. We've shared so much in here. We will never forget the one's who have touched us so much in this Forum and still continue to hold us close..it's good to hear from folks...my mind wanders and no one can take that away from me...EVER!
((((((((((((((((((((((Nellie))))))))))))))))))
Miss you. Think of you often.
:-*
Here's to PM' shared and still to share. Here's to posts like yours and Johnny's and to words so beautifully put together as Ted's.
Nellie,
Touching post...I can feel and relate to so much you are saying...I don't know, I really don't know whether it is over or not. Things have changed...I think things are meant to change, we are meant to change.
I am sitting here having a white wine spritzer, don't drink those often but it seems right for those at this time of the year, when summer wanes and the sun is still warm but lower in the sky and the trees seem full but somehow faded, you can feel the lazy days of summer nearing their end but the true feel of autumn hasn't arrived...
I have been thinking of the last 3 1/2+ years (saw the movie in December 2005) of my life and everything this movie has brought me, the good times, the not so great times, the friendships, the tears, the laughter, the joy but also the profound and deep sadness one feels when you think of Jack, gone but never forgotten and Ennis, somewhere, maybe still dreaming of Jack, maybe still dreaming of the cold time up on the mountain when there really was no care in the world...
It is still funny how this movie does drive you to take those challenges, face what is in front of you, see if you can make a difference...
Thanks for posting your thoughs...
Cheers, Ted
Thank you Johnny, Nellie and Ted.
Sometimes posts here makes a difference to me. Yours did!
Love!
Mia
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I dropped in to catch up and found JohnnyX's post about the passing of JT/EDM. I well remember seeing JT/EDM's posts and even saving some of them so I could ponder them later. His was one of the names I watched for, because I knew that I would want to read anything he posted. I will confess here that I never did anything to let him know that I found his posts profound, both comforting and transforming. It may be too late, but I want to express my admiration for his wisdom and gratitude for his sharing.
You would think, wouldn't you, that being so preoccupied with the message of BBM over 3 years ago would have taught me not to let things like that go by ever again. I suppose it's shown me that BBM will keep on teaching me lessons, long after my preoccupation with the movie and story have faded into fond memories. I still have so much to learn.
Thanks, everyone, for being here.
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Johnny, that was a beautiful post and tribute to JT/EDM, one could feel the heartfelt connection you had with him. This story, film and forum has touched so many people in many different ways, I believe there are no lines, boundaries, restrictions, or anything holding us back from finding someone to connect with, someone we come to love and care for, very deeply. I am happy you two found each other and shared some of life too.
Jonn
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Fond wishes and warm thoughts back to you (((((((((((((((Johnny))))))))))))))!!
WOW! Conforming to my more recent habit (vastly different from my former habit of almost 'living' in here. ha ha), I haven't logged on for over a week. And in that absence, all of these lovely posts above have arrived. Yoo Hoo!! Each one with such a lovely special message. As there is not so much activity on here at the moment I will reply separately to each of them in here. Starting with this one to Mia:
THANK YOU Mia. Wow what a HUGE hug that 'feels' like. ha ha.
My apologies for not yet replying to your PM. Will hope to do so tonight.
Regards: Johnnyx
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;) ;)...to Johnny... :-*
Hello my very dear Nellie. Thanks for these little smileys. ha ha.
AND: how wonderful to see 'our' McNel posting her 'heart' here, as usual. Oh what joy! Hundreds of people must have been moved over these past 4 years by your always wonderful postings. Hugs to McNel!
...
Reading Johnny's post sparked something in me....PM's that we shared. And still sharing...people like that that show up every now and than...it's okay. We remember who they are...we remember their pains...we remember their joys. We've shared so much in here. We will never forget the one's who have touched us so much in this Forum and still continue to hold us close..it's good to hear from folks...my mind wanders and no one can take that away from me...EVER!
I continue to hold you close in my heart...you all know who you are.
and for the new folks and the one's that don't know me....you guys are great. I lurk and read all your stuff. Never feel lost..never feel afraid that we'll think you're crazy,silly...stupid....we've all been thru all that...you will be okay...BELIEVE in yourself...ALWAYS believe in yourself...don't sell yourself short..
your friend,
Nellie
AND as always, dear Nellie: you have written so much in this posting (some of which I deleted) that just warms the heart. I do hope that ALL new listers especially will read what Nellie has written; as her words provide SOME of the balm which we need when we come in here after having been "AFFECTED" by this very special film; which has changed the lives of so many of us in very deep, and never-expected ways.
Although I will surely disappear back to the shadows very soon, I do hope dear Nellie that you will continue to come into this thread to share your 'heart' with all who read here.
One good thing about the paucity of postings in here these days, is that I can stay away for a few weeks at a time (yeah, even months, recently -- sorry Jer009), and can very quickly catch up with the postings in my absence. Sometimes I feel regret that I wasn't here to welcome a new arrival whose story made a 'connection' with me, but it is good to know that there are always a few here who will make them feel welcome, and give them some pointers. How great that the love which this thread has almost always generated, still continues -- 4 years or more later! Wow!
Best wishes all: JohnnyX
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I dropped in to catch up and found JohnnyX's post about the passing of JT/EDM. I well remember seeing JT/EDM's posts and even saving some of them so I could ponder them later. His was one of the names I watched for, because I knew that I would want to read anything he posted. I will confess here that I never did anything to let him know that I found his posts profound, both comforting and transforming. It may be too late, but I want to express my admiration for his wisdom and gratitude for his sharing.
You would think, wouldn't you, that being so preoccupied with the message of BBM over 3 years ago would have taught me not to let things like that go by ever again. I suppose it's shown me that BBM will keep on teaching me lessons, long after my preoccupation with the movie and story have faded into fond memories. I still have so much to learn.
Thanks, everyone, for being here.
Hello Quithammerin'. Thank you for your lovely personalised note about my dear JT/EDM (Dick).
How lovely to know that you also saw the wonderfully wise man who he was.
However, please do not berate yourself for not having moved into PM mode with him or with anyone else. We all have such busy lives, that we have to draw a line somewhere. Nellie seems to be doing that now -- she must be a slow learner though, because she didn't do so for almost 4 years! ha ha. (Yep, we all know that if there is one thing that that Rica lady is NOT, it is a slow-learner! ha ha).
Now, where am I? Get back on track johnny-boy: I think that once we start to find our own internal peace with BBM and its messages, after having received the loving help in this thread; we then may develop personal friendships with other Brokies, and in taking time to solidify those friendships, we leave ourselves with even less time for all of the others on the thread. And over time as we slowly return to something more 'normal' than our frenzied need to 'be' here all the time, even communications with those new Brokie friends will in many cases become more abbreviated. Life just seems to continually demand more of our time.
So, Quithammerin': quit hammering yourself about such things. I feel that most of us realise these other pressures on each of us, and will not judge each other harshly for not being here as we once may have been.
Sorry if all of that sounds vague and ambiguous. My poor old mind seems to be starting to fail me these days. Hope that you can make some sense of it.
Fond regards: JohnnyX.
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Johnny, that was a beautiful post and tribute to JT/EDM, one could feel the heartfelt connection you had with him. This story, film and forum has touched so many people in many different ways, I believe there are no lines, boundaries, restrictions, or anything holding us back from finding someone to connect with, someone we come to love and care for, very deeply. I am happy you two found each other and shared some of life too.
Jonn
Hello Flyboy! And thank you also for such lovely words. When JT/EDM (Dick) was taken off to hospital last year on one occasion, I thought then that I had lost him; but luckily he was lent back to me for perhaps another year.
Once he returned home and we resumed our nightly conversations, I told him that I had wanted to write about him to this Affected thread, and would he have minded if I had done so. He replied that he was thrilled that I should even consider doing so. I then asked him what boundaries or limitations I should put on my eulogy to him, and he said that he would leave that entirely up to me. Accordingly, that is why I felt 'free' to write those few personal things about his family.
Jonn, above you wrote this: "I believe there are no lines, boundaries, restrictions, or anything holding us back from finding someone to connect with, someone we come to love and care for, very deeply."
I would share your dream that this will be so, but sadly there are still broken Brokies out there who for one reason or another -- many of them being fears and/or shyness -- still haven't found their 'connection'.
If I could have one wish granted, it would be that those Brokies will find the means of overcoming their fears, shynesses, or other obstacles, and will indeed FIND their one special person.
Thank you Jonn for your lovely words.
All the best: JohnnyX
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WOW! Conforming to my more recent habit (vastly different from my former habit of almost 'living' in here. ha ha), I haven't logged on for over a week. And in that absence, all of these lovely posts above have arrived. Yoo Hoo!! Each one with such a lovely special message. As there is not so much activity on here at the moment I will reply separately to each of them in here. Starting with this one to Mia:
THANK YOU Mia. Wow what a HUGE hug that 'feels' like. ha ha.
My apologies for not yet replying to your PM. Will hope to do so tonight.
Regards: Johnnyx
Thank you back!
And another ((((((((((((((((((((((((Hug)))))))))))))))))))) for you!!!
:)
Mia
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All I need to hear is the first three notes of that damn theme song and I'm bawling my eyes out!
As I approach my six month mark here, I am pleased to announce that I have made it through listening to the soundtrack this morning without crying for the first time ever.
Go, me!
-
Go YOU Donna!!!
Those three little notes still make me catch my breath, though, when I hear them!
-
If you all mean the opening of the movie, then surely it's just 2 notes? :-\ If I could notate it for you I would but alas, this softwear doesn't allow.
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LOL! Linda and I were just making sure you were paying attention!
-
What a team? Devil number one and two! ;D >:D ;D
-
Swedish tv, channel 1 just broadcasted Brokeback Mountain. I haven’t seen the film sinse October… Didn’t think it was possible to cry.
Didn’t think I had tears left… But I had.
It hurts so much! It still hurts so much!
:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
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What a team? Devil number one and two! ;D >:D ;D
>:D >:D >:D >:D >:D
Ah.....pot, kettle, black!!! ::) ;D :-*
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Swedish tv, channel 1 just broadcasted Brokeback Mountain. I haven’t seen the film sinse October… Didn’t think it was possible to cry.
Didn’t think I had tears left… But I had.
It hurts so much! It still hurts so much!
:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
Dear Mia: This might 'only' happen to you for another one or two years! rofl!
So hang in there!
AND thanks for the last huge hug -- even bigger than the previous one.
regards: Johnnyx
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... This story, film and forum has touched so many people in many different ways, I believe there are no lines, boundaries, restrictions, or anything holding us back from finding someone to connect with, someone we come to love and care for, very deeply. ...
Jonn
Hello Jonn/Flyboy.
I just found your 2-year posting on How this FORUM has Affected you.
(here is the link -- I hope -- for anyone who hasn't read it yet:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?action=profile;u=6793;sa=showPosts;start=15 )
I find that the film / book / screenplay, and this forum are SO intertwined in my mind and in my heart; that it is very hard to draw a dividing line between each of them. That along with preference and laziness is why I usually post in this thread. ha ha.
Thank you for sharing such deep, heartfelt, feelings with us.
I also read others of your most recent posts, and just marvel at how you can write so lovingly amid what appear to be very difficult times for you personally -- and just LOVED your posting to our dear Jackie!
May other positives in life start heading in your direction very soon!
Best wishes: Johnnyx
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As I approach my six month mark here, I am pleased to announce that I have made it through listening to the soundtrack this morning without crying for the first time ever.
Go, me!
Good for you, Donna!!
But I still whimper a little every time I hear them....
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JohnnyX, I'm late to the forum in offering my thanks for your beautiful remembrance of JT/EDM, whose real name was Dick. He may not have written much, but it was his post on grief that I found so profound I saved it in my files. Not so long ago, a friend of mine suffered a great loss, and with Dick's permission it was those words I offered to him:
…when grief hits, mourn deeply and thoroughly, in your own way, as long as it takes. But allow and celebrate the glimpses of joy that come with it. If the loss was great, expect the winds of memory to bring it back. So mourn again. Celebrate once more. With time, it will become easier but it will never truly end.
How fitting that those words appear here in honor of Dick's memory. May he rest in peace.
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JohnnyX, I'm late to the forum in offering my thanks for your beautiful remembrance of JT/EDM, whose real name was Dick. He may not have written much, but it was his post on grief that I found so profound I saved it in my files. Not so long ago, a friend of mine suffered a great loss, and with Dick's permission it was those words I offered to him:
…when grief hits, mourn deeply and thoroughly, in your own way, as long as it takes. But allow and celebrate the glimpses of joy that come with it. If the loss was great, expect the winds of memory to bring it back. So mourn again. Celebrate once more. With time, it will become easier but it will never truly end.
How fitting that those words appear here in honor of Dick's memory. May he rest in peace.
Hello dear Neatfreak. Thank you so much for this lovely posting; and thank you for sharing with us, these items about Dick and his writing.
When you wrote to him to ask his permission to share those words with your friend, he told me how thrilled he was that you thought highly enough of his writing to feel that it was appropriate for that purpose and occasion.
YOU made his day -- and longer; by showing in your request that someone other than I, valued his always deeply-cogitated-upon and well-thought-out and well-chosen words.
From the bottom of my heart, I thank you DEEPLY for having given him that recognition, just a few months ago.
His words which you quote here, were what he regularly used to me, to help me get through my own broken heart, broken here on Affected. And yet what I was suffering was very slight when compared with the awful and deep losses which he had experienced in his life. And yet he was able to live on through those losses with that understanding and wisdom, and to be so generous as to share them with us.
Dick mourned the several losses within his own family from time to time, but especially at relevant times like their birthdays, anniversaries, thanksgiving, xmas, etc. He also took the losses of Jack and Ennis, and the death of Heath to heart, and mourned those along with those of his family.
From the moment that Dick first saw Brokeback Mountain, and also from his joining of this wonderful DCForum, BBM became a permanent part of his life and of his thoughts. Each morning he did his workout on his treadmill, facing out to an escarpment in the distance which was 'his' Brokeback; and he would 'commune' with Jack and Ennis out there.
Accordingly, it is lovely that so many of you in this forum which he read avidly, are now expressing that you have found value in some of his few writings to the list.
Thank you Neatfreak, and thank you to each other one who has posted on the forum regarding Dick.
May his words of wisdom which you Neatfreak have quoted here, find RESONANCE at the appropriate time for many of you and others. I know that he would be overjoyed to know that any of you might find them of assistance for yourselves or for others.
Fond regards from Dick's aussie mate: JohnnyX
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Well this is how it affected me: I wrote a song about it. You can hear it, with accompanying video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2R2-jEh820 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2R2-jEh820). Hope you like it. Jaybee
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Hey, that was great! Were those people dancing to your song?
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Ah thanks. No, It was footage I took of line dancing at Brighton (UK) Pride --- then sped it up to fit with the beat of my song. You can manipulate anyone these days!
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That was really cool! Catchy tune!
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Thanks Donna. It's from my new album Sussex Cowboy: twisted country music filtered though a pop perspective and transplanted from backwoods America to urban UK! I'm finding it difficult to get any kind of audience for the album so I thought I'd post on here, since the lead song is insopired by the masterpiece of filmmaking in question. I wonder if Ang and Annie will approve?
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By the way everyone... how nice to be a "virgin" again!!!! It's been years since I could claim that! :o
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i can assure you they would likely be startled at this latest permutation ;D
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Oh dear Jack! Am I to be run out of town?
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Welcome jaybeemusic... a virgin no more. Well, that was short-lived.
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I wouldn't mind -- but I didn't even NOTICE losing my virginity!
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I was in Brighton a few days before the pride parade and was pleased to see the banners about it on the lamp posts.
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Welcome Jaybee!
That was a great video and song!!
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I wouldn't mind -- but I didn't even NOTICE losing my virginity!
I didn't notice when I lost mine, either...
Welcome aboard, Jaybee!
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Thanks Donna. It's from my new album Sussex Cowboy: twisted country music filtered though a pop perspective and transplanted from backwoods America to urban UK! I'm finding it difficult to get any kind of audience for the album so I thought I'd post on here, since the lead song is insopired by the masterpiece of filmmaking in question. I wonder if Ang and Annie will approve?
Its quite the paradox Sussex and Cowboy in the same sentence ;D
The UK simply do not get country music, and have certainly not embraced it as our american friends :(
I really like the track - Kinda camp, electro country :) I was going to suggest my space, but see that you already have the dizzy heights of itunes! Must download a track or 2 :)
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Ah, being on iTunes means nothing, I'm afraid. Anyway, sorry everyone for briefly taking over this thread for shameless self-promotion... but while I'm at it: The Brokeback Mountain song takes little from the film beyond the themes of youthful lust and fresh air, but there's another song on the Sussex Cowboy album, The Ballad of Bonnie and Billy, http://www.jaybeemusic.com/song/3 (http://www.jaybeemusic.com/song/3) which could very much be about Ennis and Alma, had they lived in Brighton UK in 2009. Though the song itself has no reference to Brokeback, I think that, when I make a video for it, I may use the scene where Alma sees Ennis and Jack kissing. I can't think of anything which better depicts that particular love triangle which some of us have lived through. As my song makes clear, though, it CAN turn out OK. Did for me. Jaybee xx
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I guess this is the place to post this..i am having serious can't-stop-crying problems. i wrote 2 short one-shots on lj in the past 2 weeks, then reread the ss and watched the movie twice this weekend. oh, yeah, and watched some Heath and Jake interviews on youtube. :'(
i cannot stop crying for the life of me. what the hell is going on? it's been, well, we all know how long it's been; but when is it going to stop?? i can't go through life like this. i'm thinking, ok, it's my birthday friday, and how i'm like ennis now, and i'm never gonna have any more fun and i'm old and cranky and mean. but it's not my life that's making me sad (except i miss my dog, Emma), it's THEIR life - but it's a story...a movie...what's wrong with me?
is there a doctor in the house???
thanks, this is the only place i could ever rant like this, and no one will think it's odd (at least i hope you don't, and if you do think it's odd please don't tell me)
nancy
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Jeez Nancy, I would suggest yourself get right over to Photocaptioning Fun, but I see you've already been there. Or read some funny slash... well, you know where to find that...
Actually, the same thing happens to me all the time- and I only saw the movie for the first time in March. It sounds like you have Brokeback OD'ed. In your case, it seems like a relapse.
I think you are in good company here. I don't know how qualified I am to give advice, but the best thing I can think of is to point out that, because of this tragic story, we are all here now, and can make the world a better place for ourselves, and those in a similar situation portrayed in the story. That kind of keeps me going in a less teary direction.
(((higherlove)))
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Donna - thanks!
I did go to the photo cap thread for the first time ever - and one posted by Chuck really got me laughing.
It's just a phase, I thought they stopped after high school...but, no
thanks for the hug!
nancy
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Well this is how it affected me: I wrote a song about it. You can hear it, with accompanying video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2R2-jEh820 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2R2-jEh820). Hope you like it. Jaybee
Jaybee: THANK YOU for that link. What a GREAT track. I really enjoyed it. Loved the lyrics, the great beat, and the clips of course. Especially noted your little insertions of the line-dancing into those reflective surfaces in the BBM clips too -- what a great touch. I hope that you will have a commercial success with it. What a great way to 'tell' us how BBM "affected" you.
All the best: JohnnyX in oz
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Well this is how it affected me: I wrote a song about it. You can hear it, with accompanying video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2R2-jEh820 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2R2-jEh820). Hope you like it. Jaybee
Welcome to the Forum jaybee, this was taking forever to load, so I'll try to view it later...... ::)......just wanted to welcome you........ :)
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I guess this is the place to post this..i am having serious can't-stop-crying problems. i wrote 2 short one-shots on lj in the past 2 weeks, then reread the ss and watched the movie twice this weekend. oh, yeah, and watched some Heath and Jake interviews on youtube. :'(
i cannot stop crying for the life of me. what the hell is going on? it's been, well, we all know how long it's been; but when is it going to stop?? i can't go through life like this. i'm thinking, ok, it's my birthday friday, and how i'm like ennis now, and i'm never gonna have any more fun and i'm old and cranky and mean. but it's not my life that's making me sad (except i miss my dog, Emma), it's THEIR life - but it's a story...a movie...what's wrong with me?
is there a doctor in the house???
thanks, this is the only place i could ever rant like this, and no one will think it's odd (at least i hope you don't, and if you do think it's odd please don't tell me)
nancy
((( Nancy )))
In my experience it's a roller coaster. Periods of relatively normal life (or something vaguely similar), and then, Wham!.... it hits you again.
For me it hits hard every time I've been meeting brokies, afterwards I cry for days.
But also at other times. A couple weeks ago I was sitting on a bus, full of guests to a party we were going to. Suddenly an image of Ennis outside Aguirres trailer came to mind, and it was all I could do not to start crying, right there on the bus in the middle of it all.... :-\
And I do think that it's our own life we cry over, on a profound level. Something we conciously are not aware of, but that is somehow mirrored in the movie.
I don't expect it will ever totally end. It's a part of us, and I think it will always be.
What's your lj? I'd like to read your one-shots.
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Thank you and i think you are so right - it goes in waves. but i've never been hit by a movie like this before - and i can't understand why everyone doesn't get it like we do!
my sis was telling me about a book she was reading, it started getting really heavy, life-threatening situations and she had to put it down for a while. asked her what it was - Columbine - "oh Dave Cullen. that's the website i've been on forever, you should check out some of the brokeback forums." don't know if she did, she never saw the movie - and she's just brilliant, i would love to know her take on some of the S & I, etc.
well, thanks for the kind words. it means more to me than you can know.
here are the links to my lj. Stars told me about grieving_pln journal and i read them last night - so powerful, really great.
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JohnnyX, I'm late to the forum in offering my thanks for your beautiful remembrance of JT/EDM, whose real name was Dick. He may not have written much, but it was his post on grief that I found so profound I saved it in my files. Not so long ago, a friend of mine suffered a great loss, and with Dick's permission it was those words I offered to him:
…when grief hits, mourn deeply and thoroughly, in your own way, as long as it takes. But allow and celebrate the glimpses of joy that come with it. If the loss was great, expect the winds of memory to bring it back. So mourn again. Celebrate once more. With time, it will become easier but it will never truly end.
How fitting that those words appear here in honor of Dick's memory. May he rest in peace.
Thank you for this quote, for honoring Dick's memory by posting it.
I am glad I found it today....
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Well this is how it affected me: I wrote a song about it. You can hear it, with accompanying video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2R2-jEh820 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2R2-jEh820). Hope you like it. Jaybee
Thank you for the link!!!
May I add my belated welcome to the forum. It is good to see you here.
:)
/Mia
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Well, I got Beyond Brokeback today in the mail. I couldn't get past Dave's preface without tearing up.
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Rebecca,
A lot of the stories there are like this, but you will be uplifted by so many of the stories as well. They are all from the heart and are a great basis for what Brokeback means to all of us.
Keep reading, it is so well worth it.
Linda
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I guess this is the place to post this..i am having serious can't-stop-crying problems. i wrote 2 short one-shots on lj in the past 2 weeks, then reread the ss and watched the movie twice this weekend. oh, yeah, and watched some Heath and Jake interviews on youtube. :'(
i cannot stop crying for the life of me. what the hell is going on? it's been, well, we all know how long it's been; but when is it going to stop?? i can't go through life like this. i'm thinking, ok, it's my birthday friday, and how i'm like ennis now, and i'm never gonna have any more fun and i'm old and cranky and mean. but it's not my life that's making me sad (except i miss my dog, Emma), it's THEIR life - but it's a story...a movie...what's wrong with me?
is there a doctor in the house???
thanks, this is the only place i could ever rant like this, and no one will think it's odd (at least i hope you don't, and if you do think it's odd please don't tell me)
nancy
Welcome, Nancy. You are actually in one of the best doctor's surgeries we know where you can receive treatment for this ailment. Hope you've brought a sleeping bag and lots of supplies. ;D
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My dear, dear friends!
It’s my second anniversary today.
So I thought I would make a post about the impact of Brokeback Mountain. Some deep thoughts about how it affected me. Things I have processed and things I still have to process in the light of the film…
But today isn’t a day for talking about that.
Today is a day for friendships. To celebrate the friendships that have grown and that keeps on growing because of the meeting I had with this marvellous film. To celebrate the special closeness that could and can grow here, starting here at our forum. The special love and closeness that has nothing to do with real life meetings or regular communication, the friendships that just is there…
Two years ago today….
Here’s to you, my wonderful Brokie friends. I dedicate my special milestone post to you all!
With love!
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi215.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fcc19%2FJanssonmamma%2Fbilder%2Fcute.jpg&hash=eb50d73ae6d8b25d876bbc0f8d88d73068b5b63f)
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((((((((((Pippi)))))))))))))))
Beautiful words, beautiful image!
And what a great coincidence: 25'000 posts plus your second anniversary...
Here's to you, sweet Mia!
:-* :-* :-*
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Wonderful post, Mia!
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Happy Anniversary ((Mia))
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Such a beautiful post.........
Happy Anniversary dearesterest ((((((((((((((((((((Mia))))))))))))))))))) !!
:-* :-* :-*
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Thank you ((((((((((((((((((Ingmar, Chuck, Donna, Sue)))))))))))))))))
:-* :-* :-* :-*
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Happy anniversary (((((Mia)))) :-* :-*
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Thank you sweet ((((((((((((((((((((Catia))))))))))))))))))
:-* :-* :-*
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Dear Mia, your warmth and affection is an important part of this forum, and I'm so happy that you feel it reflected back on to you. Congratulations on your second anniversary.:-* :-* :-*
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Thank you so very much for saying so
dearest (((((((((((((((((((Sara)))))))))))))))))) !!
:-* :-* :-* :-*
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A little behind! Happy annivoisary, Mia dawlin hawt!
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A little behind! Happy annivoisary, Mia dawlin hawt!
Thank you dear friend!
:-*
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(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi215.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fcc19%2FJanssonmamma%2Fbilder%2Fcute.jpg&hash=eb50d73ae6d8b25d876bbc0f8d88d73068b5b63f)
Happy Anniversary, Dearest Mia.
To the midnight sun! And to our great adventure here!
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi78.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fj108%2Fdahlia_photos%2FDinerpics%2F3830942399_5c9af91bb3-1.jpg&hash=d5b37cd51c3445163c2669ad13b6826f7c1d6271)
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(((((((((((((((((((Daniela))))))))))))))))) !!
How beautiful!
Oändligt är vårt stora äventyr!
Endless is our great adventure
Thank you dear friend!
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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My dear, dear friends!
It’s my second anniversary today.
Happy second anniversary, Mia! :-* Only two years... I keep forgetting you didn't see the movie when it first came out. It feels like I've known you for much longer! (...but we only met in January 2008, didn't we... :'()
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...oh, and that :'( didn't refer to the fact that I met you then! Because that wasn't :'( at all but very :) :) :) instead!
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Happy second anniversary, Mia! :-* Only two years... I keep forgetting you didn't see the movie when it first came out. It feels like I've known you for much longer! (...but we only met in January 2008, didn't we... :'()
Yes.... You had been away from posting for a while... :'( :'( :'( :'(
:-* :-* :-*
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...oh, and that :'( didn't refer to the fact that I met you then! Because that wasn't :'( at all but very :) :) :) instead!
Thank you for your congrats sweet ((((((((((((((((((((((Corinne))))))))))))))))))))) !!
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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Lovely to see you here, Mule. :-*
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Better late than never...
(((((((Mia)))))))
One year, two years, three years since Brokeback - is a lifetime for all of us....a NEW lifetime.
Huge hugs :-* :-* :-*
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A new lifetime, you are so right
Thank you! Huge hugs back to you
(((((((((((((((((John)))))))))))))))) !!
:-* :-* :-* :-*
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Lovely to see you here, Mule. :-*
Lovely to see you too, Jess! :) :-* :)
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Ett försenat grattis på 2-årsdagen ((((((( Mia )))))))!!!!!
:-* :-*
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One year, two years, three years since Brokeback - is a lifetime for all of us....a NEW lifetime.
Wonderful words, John!!
And so true....
:-* :-*
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Ett försenat grattis på 2-årsdagen ((((((( Mia )))))))!!!!!
:-* :-*
Tack så mycket
(((((((((((((((( Sonja ))))))))))))))
:-* :-*
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Just like this.
Always.
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi160.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ft172%2Fingmarnicebbmt%2FOldiesButGoldies%2F110043_brokeback_mountain_bafta.jpg&hash=96f7735ab03cdcc6e850c9851cad6e6ac8bd3409)
50'000 times
tenderness melancholy joy
food for thought
J & E
friendship and love
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MERCI.
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi160.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ft172%2Fingmarnicebbmt%2FAugust2009%2Ft2009-August484.jpg&hash=98c93c119a2b184fb1551715a3c07723ee157acc)
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That is so lovely, Ingy. What a wonderful photograph of you and Mr S!
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(((((Ingmar)))))
L o v e a n d r e s p e c t !
You and your posts makes
this forum a wonderful place.
Thank you from my heart
for all you share and all you give!
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
-
You are special
((((((((((((Ing)))))))))))))!
and you help to make this place the wonderful place that it is.
Thank you for being you......
Thank you for your beautiful friendship.
Much much love!
Sue
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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THANK YOU SO MUCH (((Jess, Mia, Sue))) !!
:-*
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(((Mia)))
Congratulations on your second anniversary here.
What wonderful words you wrote!
:-*
(Sorry I'm quite a bit late.)
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(((Ingy)))
Thanks so much for being such a shining light on our Forum.
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(((Mia)))
Congratulations on your second anniversary here.
What wonderful words you wrote!
:-*
(Sorry I'm quite a bit late.)
Thank you so much ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Debbie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) !!
your post made this cold and grey day a little warmer.
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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i love this thread! i hope it will stay open i can't wait to here what everyone else says
i can't remember weather i said congats to Mia for 2 years on the forum
thats amazing, congrats Mia
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i love this thread! i hope it will stay open i can't wait to here what everyone else says
i can't remember weather i said congats to Mia for 2 years on the forum
thats amazing, congrats Mia
Thank you, sweetie!
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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no problem sweetie :-*
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heres to another amazing 2 years!
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Thank you so much ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Debbie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) !!
your post made this cold and grey day a little warmer.
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Awww...you're welcome. :-*
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I was tremendously affected by the short story and film- as if someone had ripped thoughts from my mind and put them on the screen. I was lucky enough to even get a few lines in the book that now sits across from me on the shelf.
It's been a very long time since I posted. FINALLY finding my way out of illness (damn doctors). Havent been to the mountain in years... and I thought tonight and here on the forum would be a good place to return. Just clicking through the dozens of pages since I last posted. So many different names and faces I don't recognize. All beautiful and different, just like Brokeback Mountain itself.
I think I am going to enjoy this return.
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I remember you, Rox, and it's great to see you back.
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I too remember you Michael, from way back when. I am so very glad to see you back.
I hope we see more of you!
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I remember you, Rox, and it's great to see you back.
Thanks, cellar! (Can't remember your name... but I can't remember shit). Yours is a face I recall. The warm welcome makes it seem like I ought not have left (but you know, we have to leave the mountain every now and again).
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Thanks, cellar! (Can't remember your name... but I can't remember shit). Yours is a face I recall. The warm welcome makes it seem like I ought not have left (but you know, we have to leave the mountain every now and again).
You can call me Chuck. ;D
Yes, sometimes we all leave the mountain, but it's good to see when people find their way back.
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Better late than never...
(((((((Mia)))))))
One year, two years, three years since Brokeback - is a lifetime for all of us....a NEW lifetime.
Huge hugs :-* :-* :-*
A new lifetime, indeed.
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I was tremendously affected by the short story and film- as if someone had ripped thoughts from my mind and put them on the screen. I was lucky enough to even get a few lines in the book that now sits across from me on the shelf.
It's been a very long time since I posted. FINALLY finding my way out of illness (damn doctors). Havent been to the mountain in years... and I thought tonight and here on the forum would be a good place to return. Just clicking through the dozens of pages since I last posted. So many different names and faces I don't recognize. All beautiful and different, just like Brokeback Mountain itself.
I think I am going to enjoy this return.
Well, look what the wind blew in.
Welcome back! You've been missed.
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Kind of an interesting thing- I decided to swing on over to BrokebackMountain.com, the movie's site. This was the first contact I had with the movie after I saw it for the first time nearly four years ago?! You know the site- streaming music once you hit enter.
One of the most interesting things is the utterly devastating effect of the musical score and soundtrack. Yes, I know this could be its own thread and inhabited by nerds like me... but even the opening guitar brings gushing tears to my eyes. Partially so because I havent been to brokeback on film, in print or in sound, for years. I just cant go back yet... But, how many of you can keep a dry eye while hearing "A love that will never grow old" or don't know for yourselves the deep, deep pain of "The Maker Makes" or even "He Was a Friend of Mine?"
Boy, I just don't know what is leading me back to this- after all this time. I just don't know. And to have this affect and effect again. Somewhere back in my years of meager posts I said that I couldn't explain how brokeback changed me... just that it did... well it still does. I'm glad to be on this journey once again.
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I am glad you are back here with us for your continued journey Michael. No explanation necessary with any of us, we all understand. :)
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One of the most interesting things is the utterly devastating effect of the musical score and soundtrack. Yes, I know this could be its own thread and inhabited by nerds like me...
We do have a thread for the score/soundtrack:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=297.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=297.0)
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Shows how well even I know the site. Sweet.
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Hello My friends!
First of all i would like to say a big thanks to the Creator of this site who has given chance to people like me who badly need some resort where they can say something rather then burning it inside of them for their rest of lives. I don't know if this is right place to write all because this thread is designated to weekly topic but I,m sure you all don't mind. I live under the most Conservative societies of the world where for being what you actually are is very hard. Many times I thought to kill myself because there is no way out this burning hell out of me. The only person who knows about me and my feelings is God who is only true friend to me. The bigest problem is I have to live for many lother people's lives if I do something they would be dead in their rest of life. I have to coupe with it rest of my life and I have to live with it rest of my life inside of me burning 24 / 7 my story is as similar to the story of Ennis Del more and jack twist but Ennis Del mores sensations portray the resembling picture of my circumstan cs too. I know who I love and loves it too he got symphty with me but he cant do much neither can I do much about only I can do is that I have to cry and live and keep my feeling buried deep inside of me all rest of my life. Its impossible for me even too live near him because my religion and my society strictly forbids this sort of love and I completely understand it as well but this heart is created by God and feeling is filled in my heart by him. I was used to be ashmed inside of me when I look at myself that what I feel about man because it was very abnormal and absurd feeling in the eyes of my society but they are beautiful and pure in me. So I needed loads of patience to live and coupe with it till end of my life. Its been 5 days since I have watched this movie and It has taken over my mind completely and I,m completely in love with this movie and the Ennis Del more because the way he lived his life they way he had tough times through out his life mine is going to be same. Ennis Del more has taught me a lot he taught me and shown me ray of light. The way he has lived it is the only way for me to live it and I keep searching for in my life around me though I know he doesnot exist and even the performer of the character has passed away.
All I can do is pray form my God to give me patience and courage like Ennis Del Moor so I can live this life till my normal death.
Sorry for taking to much space and too much time of yours
Thanks a lot and I ask everyone to pray for me that God make this life easy for me.
God bless you all
Bigest BBM LOVER.
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Welcome to the forum BBM LOVER!
This is a good thread to read. The original "How Brokeback Affected Me" thread from 2005:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0)
If new members have questions, try "New Members Ask - Experienced Members Respond "
http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=4687.0 (http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=4687.0)
We also have a site map here:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8878.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8878.0)
You might also be interested in our book:
Selected from among the most compelling writing on The Ultimate Brokeback Forum, the stories in Beyond Brokeback: The Impact of a Film convey the remarkable power of the film Brokeback Mountain to affect the lives of all sorts of people—straight and gay, old and young, male and female—on six continents. Ranging from the amusing to the emotionally devastating, the pieces collected in Beyond Brokeback crystallize the deep, frequently life-changing reactions of its often-unsuspecting viewers.
http://www.davecullen.com/brokeback/book/ (http://www.davecullen.com/brokeback/book/)
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Welcome to the DCF forum, BBM Lover!!!!
You'll find many people here who have similar experiences and feelings as you do. Many people were touched by the characters of Jack Twist and Ennis Del Mar, so you are not alone.
Please use the links that BayCityJohn has posted, you'll see that for yourself.
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welcome to the forum BBM Lover, good to have you with us
Marz :-*
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BBM Lover:
This forum really is a lifesaver. Come back as often as you can and there will always be someone here who understands and can help you through. It may take awhile, but we'll be here.
Bobby
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BBM lover,
Welcome here. I am not a regual poster here, but I lurke from time to time. Your message struck me because you see Ennis as a positive role model, while we tend to see him as someone to feel sorry for. Your situation must be very hard. But I am convinced that love that is pure and beautiful cannot be wrong and God must think the same. This notion helped me in my though times. Is there no possibility to escape, because you will never be able to change society and its religion. Do you live in a Musllim country?
Wish you strength
Art
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I know who I love and loves it too he got symphty with me but he cant do much neither can I do much about only I can do is that I have to cry and live and keep my feeling buried deep inside of me all rest of my life. Its impossible for me even too live near him because my religion and my society strictly forbids this sort of love and I completely understand it as well but this heart is created by God and feeling is filled in my heart by him. I was used to be ashmed inside of me when I look at myself that what I feel about man because it was very abnormal and absurd feeling in the eyes of my society but they are beautiful and pure in me.
Hello and welcome to the forum. Just want to tell you that I know exactly what you're talking about regarding the attitude of the religious and social establishement that you feel bound by. All love is created by God so do trust yourself that what you feel is pure and good and can in no way be bad just because people judge it to be so. I've sent you a pm. Please check it and feel free to get in touch with me anytime.
I notice that you're in London. I'm in Kolkata, India and I've been on this forum for what feels like all of my life. You've found a haven of love and understanding here so take heart.
:) :)
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Let us send up prayers this Thanksgiving for Brokeback Mountain and for the lovely community of souls it has brought together. The paint brands are worn and faint... no sorting us out ever!
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Let us send up prayers this Thanksgiving for Brokeback Mountain and for the lovely community of souls it has brought together. The paint brands are worn and faint... no sorting us out ever!
...from all over the world and just about every social and economic stratum you can think of, we are truly a community of souls. Thank you Oregondoggie for reminding us.
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Let us send up prayers this Thanksgiving for Brokeback Mountain and for the lovely community of souls it has brought together. The paint brands are worn and faint... no sorting us out ever!
I like that - yes, let's do it.
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ohhh, okay, me too ::)
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A Happy Brokeback Thanksgiving to all of our friends in the US!
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Thanksgiving is really Brokeback for me this year. Being gay now changes all the family dynamics. But, you know what, I drowned my lonliness in Chunky Monkey for lunch and will go by my daughter's for leftovers, so all is well.
Love to Brokies all over the world today...and thank yous for being who you are...friends.
Bobby
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Let us send up prayers this Thanksgiving for Brokeback Mountain and for the lovely community of souls it has brought together. The paint brands are worn and faint... no sorting us out ever!
How true this is Larry!!
Where would we all have been without Brokeback and the forum?
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You know, I'd prefer not to think about what life would be like for me or anyone else here were we not to have had BBM. Ask anyone middle aged or above that is here and they can tell you about a lifetime without the mountain. The young, 'out' gays that I know, particularly living in urban areas where diversity, if not valued, is certainly part of life's fabric, don't ''get' BBM (how's that for a sentence?). Of course, two guys thrown together, weathering life together, suffering, rejoicing, living, dying, has happened to so many of us in small ways, big ways, figuratively, and in the case of least a couple of people on the forum, literally.
For me, life just didn't seem to have the meaning that it has since BBM- like I was living was a lampshade over my head, you know? I'd like to think my life has been a series of actually, significantly awesome episodes of dumb luck. Of course, believeing in a higher power, and the general effect of kharma, everything occurs for some purpose. Here we are woven together on this forum. That the story became a movie becoming a book and a website and passing out a transforming, life changing energy to people is... inconceivable. Hollywood would love to take credit for that... but they can't. So, Annie, cast and crew, musicians for the film, Dave, and all of you are changed... and changing other people (including me).
BBM represented parts of my life- of course I was Ennis and some very minor ways, still am. Trying to be like Jack. I'll get there. I swear.
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What an awesome post, Michael. What wonderful thoughts to end my Thanksgiving weekend, wonderful words to take into the future.
Thanks so much for this.
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The young, 'out' gays that I know, particularly living in urban areas where diversity, if not valued, is certainly part of life's fabric, don't ''get' BBM (how's that for a sentence?).
I guess that does seem to be the case sometimes.
But I remember something that happened 2 years ago out here in San Francisco.
I was selling our book at a screening of Brokeback Mountain at the Castro Theater. We had to start packing up before the last show got out around 11 pm.
I was parked in front of the theater and just about to close my trunk when this really good looking young guy came running up to the car to see if we had any books left. I think he was in his very early 20's although at my age he looked to be about 18 at most. :D He was really happy to get the book. He clearly "got it".
He said he was a member on the forum but I can't remember his screen name.
I don't know if age or geography has so much to do with as opposed to other life experiences that a person sees and can relate to in the film.
I've run into plenty of guys over 40 out here in San Francisco who didn't care too much for the film. I assume there are probably more younger guys that don't get it, but I hardly ever meet anyone under 30 anymore ;D
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Where have all the under 30's gone? LOL.
Sorry about the generalizations. Of course, I am only speaking for those encounters I have personally had- not intending to project elsewhere or on anyone.
There really is no telling who got BBM... the effects have been so perfectly random and I am appreciative to have been found in its shadow.
Peace to all!
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I,m having BBM phobia and I cnt get over it I even cant finish my research work I keep watching moive back n Its just really hard for me the way BBM has taken over me.
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I,m having BBM phobia and I cnt get over it I even cant finish my research work I keep watching moive back n Its just really hard for me the way BBM has taken over me.
It will do that. I remember sneaking away to the theaters here there and everywhere I was travelling... One of the strongest feelings I've ever had.
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To: BBM LOVER.
Hello BBM Lover. I have not visited this forum for almost 3 months, and when I dropped by today to read here on my beloved Affected thread, I encountered your oh-so-sad posting.
What you wrote really tore at my heart-strings, as I feel sure that it must have done to many others who have read it too.
As I am an atheist, I have no words of comfort which I am able to offer you; but I do sincerely hope that others on the forum will have the appropriate words for you.
You wrote that you are on here 24/7 now, and that can be bad -- many of us have done that in the past -- but the need to feel that you want to be here amongst 'friends' who understand in some way is a very strong attraction. I do hope that in that time here, you are reading some of the older posts on the Affected Me thread, especially a lot of the original ones. It is a long haul, but hopefully in there as you read the heartbroken turmoil which so many other Brokies were going through at the time that they wrote there, you might find words, thoughts, suggestions, attitudes, approaches, etc. which might help you in your situation.
I wish you all the very best, BBM Lover, and do sincerely hope that with the help of this forum you might find some light at the end of the tunnel.
Kind regards: Johnnyx.
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Thank you very much Johnny I am happy at least you guys understand my feelings and I do appreciate that you have shown your strong concern about what I am going through but all I can do is make myself underand that I got to stand it there is no other way that I can come out of it. Neverthe less I got people like you around me which is my light on the end of tunnel.
Love you all
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That the story became a movie becoming a book and a website and passing out a transforming, life changing energy to people is... inconceivable.
Indeed!!!
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Imagine if you will, BBM Lover, that every person on this forum (or nearly every one) was feeling as you do now... This is how it was in the beginning for nearly all of us. So, you've come a little late. big deal!! You wont be the last one. Don't run from these feelings. Just kind of sit still. Rejoice in the fact that you can feel, maybe for the first time in your life, as I did. Now, I long for the feelings BBM brought to my life. It was such a painful time... but only because I'd seen real beauty, knew the difference, and couldnt turn back. Ive been gone from the forum for a very, very, very long time. Now I am back. You'll find a variety of people here who know well what you are feeling, and want to hear from you.
Michael
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Imagine if you will, BBM Lover, that every person on this forum (or nearly every one) was feeling as you do now... This is how it was in the beginning for nearly all of us. So, you've come a little late. big deal!! You wont be the last one. Don't run from these feelings. Just kind of sit still. Rejoice in the fact that you can feel, maybe for the first time in your life, as I did. Now, I long for the feelings BBM brought to my life. It was such a painful time... but only because I'd seen real beauty, knew the difference, and couldnt turn back. Ive been gone from the forum for a very, very, very long time. Now I am back. You'll find a variety of people here who know well what you are feeling, and want to hear from you.
Michael
Thank you for that. Thats just what happened to me, too. I felt like I had been punched in the gut and for once it felt ok to cry. to sob. I feel like the movie reached down inside me and pointed and said, here are your feelings, remember? Don't end up like Ennis. Feel these feelings.
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Imagine if you will, BBM Lover, that every person on this forum (or nearly every one) was feeling as you do now... This is how it was in the beginning for nearly all of us. So, you've come a little late. big deal!! You wont be the last one. Don't run from these feelings. Just kind of sit still. Rejoice in the fact that you can feel, maybe for the first time in your life, as I did. Now, I long for the feelings BBM brought to my life. It was such a painful time... but only because I'd seen real beauty, knew the difference, and couldnt turn back. Ive been gone from the forum for a very, very, very long time. Now I am back. You'll find a variety of people here who know well what you are feeling, and want to hear from you.
Michael
Dear Michael !
I know I,m little late but can u imagine I was not able to see this move because of people around me who realised about me later and they hated me and bullied me only because they found out somehow that what I am. Trust me I do not know how everyone would have gone through their times but I have no words how tough it was. I left my home came from far away from my family. It was some how happend for good that I came away from my family because where I belong to there your respect and dignity is everything and my parents were one of those people who never given a chance to anyone to point finger at them ever for anything and I had to carry on their such respect and dignity but some how people around there found out about me. I started hearing laughters and giggles as soon as I use to pass by them and their eyes use to mock me like I am alien on earth.
Only God knows If I had killed myself to safe my family from insult my parents would have died too in their lives. Everyone knew I never hurt ed anyone I never said anything to anyone I had no friends but they all use to love me respect me but as soon as they found out that I am what I am they hated me for that trust me .... (cannot type anymore I,m sorry its very hard)
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Thank you very much Johnny I am happy at least you guys understand my feelings and I do appreciate that you have shown your strong concern about what I am going through but all I can do is make myself underand that I got to stand it there is no other way that I can come out of it. Neverthe less I got people like you around me which is my light on the end of tunnel.
Love you all
go on and obsess all you need to.
BBM fever -- lasts about 3 years, on average. By then your life will be different, and your heart may be at peace with Jack and Ennis. :)
glad you are here.
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Has anyone any therories on what, if anything, is similar about us obsessed Brokies? Has this been discussed? Or explored?
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Has anyone any therories on what, if anything, is similar about us obsessed Brokies? Has this been discussed? Or explored?
Not as a specific topic as far as I know, could be a possible candidate for Topic f the Week. There are plenty of threads where this topic "overlaps".
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Has anyone any therories on what, if anything, is similar about us obsessed Brokies? Has this been discussed? Or explored?
thats a great idea to explore, im up for it!
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the topic of what was the common thread has been mulled at length, but damned if i can remember where. i think probably about year 2.
most of seem to have taken some kind of severe hit in life, and papered over it and moved on. the movie ripped that paper thin veneer off and exposed the hidden but festering secret pain. this wasn't universal, but often those who thought they didn't have that festering pain, in time, came to realize they too had deeply buried a loss of some kind, mostly from listening to others share until something said elicited a feeling or memory that they could recognize. many times it was as simple as becoming aware of roads not taken, and futures never realized that need grieving for.
i think there was a fair amount of discussion about this in the women's affected thread, but i am not certain as i mostly refrained from entering out of respect for gender exclusive sharing.
unfortunately, we don't come with an index, lol.
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go on and obsess all you need to.
BBM fever -- lasts about 3 years, on average. By then your life will be different, and your heart may be at peace with Jack and Ennis. :)
glad you are here.
Loved what you said. Let me add just a bit to the beginning, "Impact- total, unimaginable, incomprehensable- then on with lasts about three years, on average... etc.
Interesting enough, things are different... but arent where they should be. I was too afraid... but i am getting there. Thanks for this post!
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BBM lover,
Thank you for these words and everything else you said. There were many of us who sneaked off to viewings, drove to other states... and then in the end, went to see the movie matinees in broad daylight. I cannot pretend to know your circumstances. You stated a couple of times about people finding out 'what I am'. Are you gay? Do you know 'what you are?' Can you say it?
I never 'came out' to my parents. They were both long deceased before I came to terms with my sexuality (if that is an issue with you- I dont know- you didn't say and I am not going to assume anything!). I once left the forum for a long time because I got into a argument here with someone who had nothing in common with any character in this movie and was bashing people left and right for not coming out to community, parents, whatever. You don't owe anyone an explanation. Whether you tell your parents whatever it is, whether they know it or not, you only need to be honest with yourself. If tellling your parents will only bring devastation as well as lend itself to your own suffering, then, no, don't do it. If it sets you free, however, do it. I would also add that anyone who truly loves and accepts you, deserves to know all about you, and vice versa. Now, after preaching, let me say that I dont know how old you are. I dont even know where you are... but I do know that the rest of your life is yours. I, and so many others, are here to help in so very many ways. I wouldnt be who I am today without this forum... and, God, I am so thankful for that.
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I found this on a support site for depression today. Sound familiar?:
why do i keep watching Brokeback Mountain and hoping for a different ending? - sigh... sadness.... (yes, it made me sad and i knew i shouldn't have watched it...)
Posted on 12/14/09, 06:12 pm
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Depression/forum/8636647-why-do-i (http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Depression/forum/8636647-why-do-i)
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Not sure who the quote was from but I do appreciate the resource at the bottom.
Just my perspective, but to the author who I hope is reading all of this, how does your wish for a different ending translate to your own life? How has the ending been the same in the past in your life? How can it be different in the future? You cannot control what Annie Prioulx (sp?) did with the short story. You can control your own story- especially chapter yet to be written. Forum members can help you to position yourself to do that...
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This is my first post.
BROKEBACK cut me to the quick. It made me think of all the beautiful and wonderful men whom I've had the privelege of knowing and loving all of my life. I came out in 1980 (I was nineteen) and, of course, it wasn't easy. I consider that I was part of the first post-Stonewall generation. Although some progress had been made in the eleven years that had passed since the riots, there was still a long way to go. Gay venues were still relegated to dangerous parts of town, and since these were the very last days of wild, free-wheeling sex, well..., you know. Anyway, I managed to meet and begin a clandestine relationship with "James" which lasted for more than fifteen years. "James" was married to a woman and had children, just like Ennis. We rendez-voused whenever we could, and it was never enough. Although I was desperately in love with "James" I resigned myself to the idea that he would never be mine.
I jhaven't heard from or seen "James" for ten years now, but he will always have a place in my heart that no other man will ever be able to claim. I've got "Brokeback" on DVD and I am sure that I've watched it well more than a hundred times now.
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Welcome to the forum Paul.
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Welcome indeed, Paul. What a great story. I'm sure "James" still feels likewise about you and the love you two shared.
I was 21 in 1980, so I well remember the era.
Hope you'll continue to post. BBM cut me to the quick, too, so I know you're a great guy.
Again, welcome!
Mark
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This is my first post.
BROKEBACK cut me to the quick. It made me think of all the beautiful and wonderful men whom I've had the privelege of knowing and loving all of my life. I came out in 1980 (I was nineteen) and, of course, it wasn't easy. I consider that I was part of the first post-Stonewall generation. Although some progress had been made in the eleven years that had passed since the riots, there was still a long way to go. Gay venues were still relegated to dangerous parts of town, and since these were the very last days of wild, free-wheeling sex, well..., you know. Anyway, I managed to meet and begin a clandestine relationship with "James" which lasted for more than fifteen years. "James" was married to a woman and had children, just like Ennis. We rendez-voused whenever we could, and it was never enough. Although I was desperately in love with "James" I resigned myself to the idea that he would never be mine.
I jhaven't heard from or seen "James" for ten years now, but he will always have a place in my heart that no other man will ever be able to claim. I've got "Brokeback" on DVD and I am sure that I've watched it well more than a hundred times now.
Welcome, there are a lot of us who feel as you do now.
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This is my first post.
BROKEBACK cut me to the quick. It made me think of all the beautiful and wonderful men whom I've had the privelege of knowing and loving all of my life. I came out in 1980 (I was nineteen) and, of course, it wasn't easy. I consider that I was part of the first post-Stonewall generation. Although some progress had been made in the eleven years that had passed since the riots, there was still a long way to go. Gay venues were still relegated to dangerous parts of town, and since these were the very last days of wild, free-wheeling sex, well..., you know. Anyway, I managed to meet and begin a clandestine relationship with "James" which lasted for more than fifteen years. "James" was married to a woman and had children, just like Ennis. We rendez-voused whenever we could, and it was never enough. Although I was desperately in love with "James" I resigned myself to the idea that he would never be mine.
I jhaven't heard from or seen "James" for ten years now, but he will always have a place in my heart that no other man will ever be able to claim. I've got "Brokeback" on DVD and I am sure that I've watched it well more than a hundred times now.
Welcome Paul. Glad you made it here. I hope you feel comfortable enough to share more of your story with us!
Hope to see more of you.
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Welcome Paul. :)
I wonder whether James has seen the movie and how did it affect him?
I hope you enjoy the forum and get to meet all the wonderful people here.
Andy.
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Welcome to our forum, Paul! Glad you found us!
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Welcome Paul!
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Has anyone any therories on what, if anything, is similar about us obsessed Brokies? Has this been discussed? Or explored?
Hi inwooder,
Sorry to take so long to reply, but I didn't read your post until today.
FWIW, I posted some thoughts along this line on S&I II some time ago. Just something to think about...
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=37381.msg1656387#msg1656387 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=37381.msg1656387#msg1656387)
I'd be glad to discuss more on this thread, or PM, if you prefer.
~~~fia
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There's a lot written about Brokeback Mountain that we rarely get the chance to read or hear, essays and other writings that are never published online.
Professor Samuel Coale of Wheaton College in Massachusetts is working on a presentation, The Cinematic Techniques of "Brokeback Mountain", for the American Literary Association's annual conference in Boston in 2011.
I asked Prof. Coale if we might get the chance to read some of what he's working on.
He didn't have anything ready yet for the conference, but he is sharing the following with us.
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This is one of Sam's essays, something he wrote in 2006. He said it would be ok to publish in it's entirety.
“BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN”: “I WISH I KNEW HOW TO QUIT YOU”
By Sam Coale
What is it about “Brokeback Mountain”?
I’ve never been to Wyoming.
I’ve never worked on a ranch or herded sheep.
I’ve never met a “gay cowboy."
The world of Ang Lee’s film is stark and stunted, lives of “quiet desperation,” people so hunkered down in their horizontal, hardscrabble lives—by gender, class, sex, geography—they don’t even seem to realize how dwarfed and muted their souls and lives are. They inhabit a realm of emotional lockjaw that for some reason has come to pass for masculine self-reliance and self-sufficiency: American traits, tough, constricted, often dysfunctional.
But I’ve known passion. And love.
And loneliness.
And what Proulx in her story describes as “some shared and sexless hunger.”
These are part of the human condition, I think, that cuts to the bone.
And as I get older, I come to recognize that that hell-to-breakfast, bare-assed eruption of first love, of sexual ecstasy met head-on early on probably won’t happen again.
I don’t think I miss it. I’m still very much in love. And comfortable. And life is full to bursting.
But a part of me misses it: those first times, that sudden flowering like lava, guns going off.
But at some dark, distant core, somewhere inside the marrow of the bones lurks an abiding sense of loss.
Wordsworth said it once: “Places have we all within ourselves where all stand single.”
When I react viscerally to life, to fiction, to film, when it throws me, “unmans” me, devastates me, my one defense is to try to write about it, to try and figure it out, not to confine visceral responses to conceptual cells but try to understand how, in this case, a film has done its job.
Here. In 2006. Now.
The buzz was all about the “gay cowboy movie.” That did nothing for me, well, it made me edgy a bit. But I like Ang Lee’s work. And Jake Gyllenhaal’s. Heath Ledger I took to be just another pretty face, Mel Gibson’s son in “The Patriot,” a dime a dozen in Hollywood, interchangeable.
Straight guys playing gay caballeros. A stunt.
For the record this is a very chaste film (I’m glad to say. Why? Queasy, I guess. “American”?). It’s not voyeuristic at all. There are clutches and kisses as if the two guys are trying to wrestle their way into each others’ souls. But the skin is minimal.
There’s one naked leap off a cliff into a river, skinny-dipping that for me brings back carefree days at camp, kid stuff. I remember I had to pass a swimming test and had spent all day drinking with a gang of friends and was able the next grim morning to find a rock to stand on under the water, so that I could flail my arms and look like I was afloat, treading water. Without that rock the hangover would’ve killed me.
The story’s straightforward. Two young guys herd sheep one summer in 1963 on Brokeback Mountain in Wyoming. They’re young, wounded, virtually fatherless, at loose ends, low on the totem pole, loners, hired hands. Jack Twist (Gyllenhaal) wants to be a rodeo star. Ennis Del Mar (Ledger) wants to ranch.
One night sex happens. It’s violent, more of a fight, a struggle for dominance. It stuns them both. Lacerations and love-making look the same. Jack seems to take it in stride, the easier of the two, drawn and quartered and doomed to love. But Ennis is shaken to the bottom of his boots. He’s overcome by a raw fierce unbridled yearning that drives him back to Jack. He claws his way into his arms like a frightened animal returning to its nest.
But he hates himself. He’s afraid others might find out about “this thing.” He throws up. He seeks refuge in a tight-lipped, taciturn manner that goes beyond restraint and reticence and desperately tries to kill the passion that’s in him, that is him.
Ledger’s performance as it builds and turns and deepens is simply astounding. It hurts to watch him. Words seem like barbed wire in his throat. He tightens up more, if that’s possible. He’s self-maiming to the point of true agony. And you can see it in his eyes, his walk, the way his mouth turns down and twists. But when he sees Jack four years later, he explodes and once again violently embraces him.
The rest is family plot: marriages, kids, “fishing trips” to Brokeback Mountain. These sullen, oppressed and oppressive western lives produce nothing but rancor, resentment, a smoldering violence, a corrosive failure to love that spreads like a cancer from father to son, husband to wife, father to daughter, father-in-law to son-in-law, a blight on every soul in sight.
I won’t spoil the ending.
Lee has an eye for details that stab the heart: Jack’s shirt surrounding Ennis’, shots of solitary souls, staring off into space, at tables at home and in bars; a natural landscape (shot in Alberta) that stuns the viewer with mountains and mists, full moons, valleys and rivers, forests and vistas that draw you in and onward; cramped crummy apartments over laundromats, paint-peeling shacks and claustrophobic, heart-wrenching trailers.
One good way of knowing how good a director is: the world looks like the way he sees it for several minutes--maybe more--when you come out of the theater.
Lee shoots so many of his scenes with a full wide western sky, the western towns huddled low in the frame, as stunted as the folks that live there, crossroads and railroad tracks, pick-up trucks and empty streets, bruised plains and smoky bars.
Larry McMurtry, one of the screenwriters, got it right (Yep, I had to read Annie Proulx’s original story, which comes with the screenplay and essays by her and McMurtry and his partner, Diana Ossana): Think of Ansel Adams’ black-and-white photos of magnificent western landscapes: “What about the people who live possibly ragged lives beneath that glorious moon? The West of the great mountains . . . is very beautiful, so beautiful that it tempts many not to see, or want to see, the harshness of the lives of the people who live in the bleak little towns and have to brush the grit of the plains off their teeth at night.”
All films screen their scripts, funnel them into conventions to take the edge off, to appeal to people’s expectations. And we can see that here.
Yes, it helps us clods to see beautiful people suffering. But, of course, it also makes the suffering beautiful. If Ledger and Gyllenhall were woofers, would it work?
The time is 1963. In Signal, Wyoming. So of course they’re a lot less understanding about certain things then than we are now. Like John Fowles’ novel, The French Lieutenant’s Woman, confining passion within Victorian straightjackets as viewed by us now. We feel enlightened, “liberated.”
And it’s regional. Western. Out there in them thar hills. It is lonely and far away, in time as well as, for most people, in space.
Proulx writes about rural landscapes with their effects on characters, her characters stuck in low-paying, thankless jobs, trapped in an awesome wilderness that seems to transcend, attract and destroy them. Her story, she writes, is “a story of destructive rural homophobia.” But it could be any rural phobia: rigid, stolid, taciturn, unforgiving, judgmental, deadly at times, at all times crippling.
She writes that Wyoming has the highest suicide rate in the country. “In my mind isolation and altitude—the fictional Brokeback Mountain, a place both empowering and inimical—began to shape the story.”
Hell, Proulx writes. One old sheep rancher once told her they always sent two young guys up into the mountains in the summer to graze sheep, “so’s if they get lonesome they can poke each other.”
I had a roommate from Texas in college who used to tell me of his way with the livestock. I think that’s as delicately diplomatic as I can make it. And I remember sitting there listening to his tale of initiation, trying to hold a straight expression-less face. Hey, I’m from the Northeast. I’m urbane, civilized, sophisticated. I can handle this. He wasn’t bragging, just explaining casually like describing one’s first kiss (except mine weren’t with no goddamn sheep, podner!)
And then there’s nature. Americans are suckers for majestic open spaces. Gets me every time. Visually stunning, sumptuous with intimations of some divine presence, the call of the wild, of the open road, of still being young and (supposedly) heartless and susceptible. Lee works that perfectly. We are in awe of Brokeback Mountain. Where else could passion erupt as suddenly as a summer thunderstorm or a deluge of hail? Passion is as much a part of that anarchic, explosive splendor as are early-morning fogs and the raucous cawing of distant crows.
Wordsworth knew it: spots of time, he called them; incidents and near-mystic moments that cling to the soul and won’t let go, that get corroded by adulthood, responsibilities, kids, parents, jobs, stuff. Americans hanker for that inner vision of natural landscape, however deluded, however remote. It lures and seduces, calls us from cell phones and shopping carts, schedules and dull dinner parties.
This may just be a guy thing. I don’t know. But I do know that if I get a chance to drive across the country again, I’ll do it in a minute. Or soar beyond the Alps. Or disappear in the northwest peaks of Pakistan. Maybe being born in Connecticut. Always near a coast. At the edge. There’s always a beyond. And it’s not here and now. Nor ever will be.
After the first burst of sex, almost rape really, Ennis sees a gutted sheep, killed by a coyote. Later he remembers his father taking him at age nine to see a dead man in a ravine, an old guy who lived with another guy and was made mock of and was dragged along by his dick until his murderers pulled it off. So sex and death have something to do with Ennis’ self-guarding and self-denial.
But that’s too simple. Psychobabble. And Lee plays it low to the ground. It’s not an explanation but a lingering nightmare, a spot of time.
So whatever form they take, passion and loneliness exist side by side, defined by time and place and, sometimes, “forbidden” love. But it’s there in all of us, a well so deep, a yearning so ferocious it will not die.
Until we do.
What does Ennis say? “If you can’t fix it you’ve got to stand it”: a soul-wrenching stoicism that can only kill the soul altogether. Another American phenomenon, the loneliness and isolation beneath all the public shouting and drinking and carrying on. It’s the unbreakable plate beneath the Superbowl.
Proulx said, “I write in a tight, compressed style that needs air and loosening to unfold into art.” McMurtry says she writes “in spare, wire-fence prose that is congruent with the landscape itself, and with the struggling, bruised speech still to be heard today across the north plains.”
Movies are like dreams. They linger and haunt.
Hell, I even bought the CD so that I could listen to Gustavo Santaolalla’s score. And I hate country-western tunes! They’re so cheap and easy. But . . . but . . .
In the final scene Ennis looks at a postcard of Brokeback Mountain he has taped on the inside of his closet. He closes it, and the camera lingers, staring out the window onto a long flat green-and-beige plain, as flat and as far as the eye can see.
Life without passion. Loneliness become landscape.
Yep, I been to Brokeback Mountain. And it darn near broke me . . .
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This is one of Sam's essays, something he wrote in 2006. He said it would be ok to publish in it's entirety.
“BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN”: “I WISH I KNEW HOW TO QUIT YOU”
By Sam Coale
This is magnificent, John. Yet I would disagree with the premise.
I don't wish to know how to quit Brokeback Mountain, and I don't think you do either.
Sam has given us insight that ranges from the macrocosm of society to the microcosm of a soul. He tells it like it is, and we are the better for having confronted it.
Despite their trials and shortcomings, Jack and Ennis loved each other. Good for them.
If that's the best life can give any of us, it ain't all bad. Good for all of us.
The message I take from Brokeback Mountain is that our souls are made for love and hope.
Thanks for posting this wonderful perspective.
~~~fia
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This is one of Sam's essays, something he wrote in 2006. He said it would be ok to publish in it's entirety.
“BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN”: “I WISH I KNEW HOW TO QUIT YOU”
By Sam Coale
Thanks John for sharing this.. it is a nice piece of work from Mr. Coale. Later. Vincent
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It's hard for me to put into words how much BBM effected me - and still does every day. I cannot get it out of my mind. It's such a heartbreaking tale, so sad, ending tragically for BOTH Jack & Ennis. They start out as two poor 19-yr. olds hired to herd sheep one summer. But that summer changed the rest of their lives. They're so happy and in love, yet they part earlier than expected (at Aguirre's intention?) at summer's end with so many words and feelings unsaid. They part, both knowing they should not part. Four yrs. of emptiness. Yet they come together 4 yrs. later - first happiness for both. The unhappiness and turmoil they go through for nearly 20 yrs. Ennis rejecting his feelings for Jack - yet he loves him so. Jack wanting so bad to be with Ennis always, ever hopeful. So many scenes bring tears to my eyes every time I see it, and I can't help it. Their last scene together - I just bawl.
At the end, Ennis in his lonely trailer, says to his daughter: "This Kurt fella - he loves you?" (Neither Ennis nor Jack ever say the word "love"; but this is something that does not HAVE to be said be said by them). Alma Jr. answers yes; and Ennis turns his head to the side so sadly, remembering. Then, of course, the two shirts - two skins in one. And the ending as Ennis closes the door and we see just the lonely, empty plains through that small window. I suppose I really can't put into words how this film effected me; maybe I never could. But, boy, it sure did and does!
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Snap! :-*
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:) Dear janjo:
I hope your "Snap" meant thumbs up!
K.
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Apart from all the emotional feelings and the way the film/SS has changed my way of thinking re same sex relationships to be tolerant with lots of things that would have irked me(as posted at least a year ago)......where ever I am in the world and I see a range of mountains...my mind is transported straight back to "Brokeback". This year...I am actually going to "Brokeback" country.I am hoping it will give my mind and heart some rest to be there. I think I can honestly say BBM dominates my life....still.!
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:) Dear janjo:
I hope your "Snap" meant thumbs up!
K.
Snap, as in the card game, meaning I have a card that looks exactly the same as yours.
In other words, I am experiencing exactly the same as you.
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:) Hi janjo:
I am so glad to hear that!! Watched BBM again last night. I don't know why; just felt like I had to.
How effected we are by this beautiful film - those beautiful young men. Sigh...
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Apart from all the emotional feelings and the way the film/SS has changed my way of thinking re same sex relationships to be tolerant with lots of things that would have irked me(as posted at least a year ago)......where ever I am in the world and I see a range of mountains...my mind is transported straight back to "Brokeback". This year...I am actually going to "Brokeback" country.I am hoping it will give my mind and heart some rest to be there. I think I can honestly say BBM dominates my life....still.!
Are you going to Alberta, Suely? Or Wyoming?
I was so fortunate to be able to go to Alberta this summer, with a bunch of brokies, to visit all the filming locations. It was a totally awesome and amazing experience, doens't compare to anything I've ever experienced so far!!
But peace of mind? No, I can't say that it provided my mind and heart with any rest, rather that it deepened the whole BBM experience for me, in more than one way.
BBM still dominates my life too, and I don't want it any different!
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Sason....actually going to the Rockies in an RV to find some of the locations of BBM with the help of the map off the Forum. We will travel as far as we can in 3 weeks as I believe some of the locations are some distance from each other. If you have any info that could possiblybe of any help to us PLEASE PM me. Thanks a lot.
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Suely
Did you get travel information from FindingBrokeback?
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Yes...I have it all printed off. Thanks. I'm all set to go !! But any info ...how ever small would be great.
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Did you get a chance to see these videos of the movie locations?
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=22685.msg985177#msg985177
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:) This is for foreverinawe from kathy:
Hello!
Rec'd your latest instructions on downloading. I'm going to try again on Windows 7. That's the one I think I have. That Home Premium I have on this computer is not good at all. Hope that's not any problem.
If I don't get the download on Windows 7 (!) - will let you know. I really want to see it! :">
Thx for your help again!!.
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No Fritz...never seen these vids before . Thank you so, so much for the link. Bless you. x
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suely, I don't have any specific info since I didn't take part in the driving or finding things on maps at all.
but the bar where Jack and Lureen met is in Calgary, and pretty much all other locations are not too far from Canmore. We stayed there most of the time, and made day-trips to the various locations.
To be able to see the Twist ranch, you have to do some mild trespassing LOL!
Most of the locations are more or less accessible by car, except Moose Mountain and Campsite #1, where you have to hike. For Moose Mountain you have to know the weather forecast, it's not advisable to go up there in bad weather.
Yay for you doing that trip!!! It's awesome, to actually be there and see the exact spots with your own eyes is very special!!
when are you going?
Please PM me with any questions you might have, but I can't tell you how to drive there I'm afraid.
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:) Hi members -
Just a note to say that I mistakenly deleted the "new replies to my posts". Is there any way I can get them back? (I don't know how or why, but somehow I pressed "mark all as read" by mistake).
I'm always having trouble posting or something. I'm sorry I can't see the new replies to my post. I don't want anyone to think I'm avoiding them!
Chuck - can you help at all? Anyone?
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Sorry Kathy, one that flag is removed it's gone. You'll just have to visit the threads you normally post in. If you go to your profile it you can show your last posts, you can click on any of them and that will take you to that point in the thread, you then just have to work your way through until you are up to date.
Ceers
Nax
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:) Thanks Nax.
I'll keep trying!!
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oh, my jamesofsilverlake etsy shop was featuring on this treasury page:
http://www.etsy.com/treasury_list.php?room_id=117860
but look at the "Rising Moon" painting by jens1937art.
there is a horse riding up a hill where an elk is waiting. i thought the trees were sheep at first and so i immediately thought of brokeback and the scene where ennis rides up the mountain after leaving camp (see ya for supper) ... how brokeback affected me, ...there is a full moon too, so that has even more brokeback meaning. it's pretty abstract, though. the trees are actually tulips, i think, and there are no tents or anything. :D
(treasury pages are pages set up by etsy "angels" who put together artwork on a theme. one might be "cowboys" or "old trucks".. they can be anything. this one was drawings with color and water.)
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I love looking at your website, Jimmy.
And coming to this thread has made me remember....
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I've just realised, a year ago yesterday and today I was with my first live Brokies - a wonderful gentle introduction with just a few people at Andy's house in the Isle of Wight. It was perfect. Andy said then it would change how I felt about talking to people of the forum, and it's true - I feel closer even to people I haven't met.
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It's really nice to meet people in the flesh, even nicer on the IOW.
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Yes indeed, Neil - both :).
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I've just realised, a year ago yesterday and today I was with my first live Brokies - a wonderful gentle introduction with just a few people at Andy's house in the Isle of Wight. It was perfect. Andy said then it would change how I felt about talking to people of the forum, and it's true - I feel closer even to people I haven't met.
I feel honoured to be one of those first live Brokies, Sara. :-*
That weekend was just sooo wonderful; the Brokie company, Andy's house, IOW -- everything!
Perfect, indeed!!
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Wasn't it lovely. I can't believe it's been a year.
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And going on two years since Oxford!
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We need to do it again. Are you up for it , John?
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We need to do it again. Are you up for it , John?
Indeed I am, Jess.
I consider going to every Brokie get together, and if I can't attend, I follow the happy times on the Reunion thread!
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Yes! Me too.
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Same here. There's nothing like meeting Brokies in real life!!
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Sason...
Seeing Joan Baez with you and Pete last year in San Francisco was one of the highlights of my life.
O'Dog
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Or at least hearing her! :D
It was very nice.
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It's really nice to meet people in the flesh, even nicer on the IOW.
took me a minute to realize what IOW was... i love white. ;)
i heard that baez concert was fun.. and free! stern grove, or something?
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took me a minute to realize what IOW was... i love white. ;)
i heard that baez concert was fun.. and free! stern grove, or something?
Yes it was at Stern Grove, last year when Sonja was here.
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took me a minute to realize what IOW was... i love white. ;)
IOW = Isle of Wight, Jimmy. :) And by way of a reminder...
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi175.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fw155%2FAndyflyhi%2F2009_0319self20001.jpg&hash=24928a79457a514fc6401a0202f556a516c80d33)
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Andy, I recognize Sonja, but who are your other friends?
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We woz all there:
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi528.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fdd329%2Fsalmackenzie%2FBrokies%2520IOW%2FBrokies7-8March09005.jpg&hash=514f71dbeb0dadb1ad013b764e71b28c936f80a3)
Me, Jess (Janjo), Sonja (Sason), Andy, Uli, Paola (Freetraveller)
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Awww... look at the quaint 'I love white' village!
I want to go!
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We woz all there:
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi528.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fdd329%2Fsalmackenzie%2FBrokies%2520IOW%2FBrokies7-8March09005.jpg&hash=514f71dbeb0dadb1ad013b764e71b28c936f80a3)
Me, Jess (Janjo), Sonja (Sason), Andy, Uli, Paola (Freetraveller)
Like the architecture, we are very quaint! :D
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I think these pics just about sum up what the theme of this thread is; it means people, and how so many of us from so many different places and from different backgrounds have, and continue to come together like this. Priceless! :-* :-*
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Bingo, Andy.
:-* :-* :-* :-*
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Sason...
Seeing Joan Baez with you and Pete last year in San Francisco was one of the highlights of my life.
O'Dog
Awww.... that was indeed a most wonderful day!!!
Not only the concert, but also our wonderful and eventful walk, and supper watching the sunset.....
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Or at least hearing her! :D
;D
It didn't really matter that we didn't see her, the surroundings were lovely!!
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i heard that baez concert was fun.. and free! stern grove, or something?
Yep. Fun, free and Stern Grove!
:D
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IOW = Isle of Wight, Jimmy. :) And by way of a reminder...
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi175.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fw155%2FAndyflyhi%2F2009_0319self20001.jpg&hash=24928a79457a514fc6401a0202f556a516c80d33)
What a wonderful reminder, Andy!!!! :-*
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We woz all there:
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi528.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fdd329%2Fsalmackenzie%2FBrokies%2520IOW%2FBrokies7-8March09005.jpg&hash=514f71dbeb0dadb1ad013b764e71b28c936f80a3)
Me, Jess (Janjo), Sonja (Sason), Andy, Uli, Paola (Freetraveller)
Even better......
That was just such a gorgeous weekend!!!!
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Awww... look at the quaint 'I love white' village!
I want to go!
Donna, I fell in love with Isle of Wight!
Picturesque and quaint beyond words!!
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Like the architecture, we are very quaint! :D
:D :D :D :-*
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I think these pics just about sum up what the theme of this thread is; it means people, and how so many of us from so many different places and from different backgrounds have, and continue to come together like this. Priceless! :-* :-*
Couldnt' agree more.
And all the time feeling such belongingness with each other!!
It really is priceless!
:-* :-* :-*
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We woz all there:
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi528.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fdd329%2Fsalmackenzie%2FBrokies%2520IOW%2FBrokies7-8March09005.jpg&hash=514f71dbeb0dadb1ad013b764e71b28c936f80a3)
Me, Jess (Janjo), Sonja (Sason), Andy, Uli, Paola (Freetraveller)
Awwww.......gorgeous people!
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Catia posted this link on Facebook, a piece titled "Ennis Del Mar is a lonesome cowboy who will break your heart."
http://www.examiner.com/x-37264-Heath-Ledger-Examiner~y2010m3d11-Heath-Ledger-as-Ennis-Del-Mar
Reading it brought tears to my eyes. Still powerful.......
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Thanks John.
A wonderful reminder of what brought us all together and why we are still here.
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Thanks John. I bookmarked it, will read it later.
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:)
This article is beautiful. Such praise and understanding for Heath's perfection as Ennis; also for the beautiful film that BBM is.
It never does leave you. That's why we will never quit BBM/Heath/Jake, et al! ;D
What a wonderful column.
kathy :)
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Thank you, John, for bringing it to our attention.
Have to read the Examiner more.
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and it came from ft myers of all places.
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Catia posted this link on Facebook, a piece titled "Ennis Del Mar is a lonesome cowboy who will break your heart."
http://www.examiner.com/x-37264-Heath-Ledger-Examiner~y2010m3d11-Heath-Ledger-as-Ennis-Del-Mar
Reading it brought tears to my eyes. Still powerful.......
Beautiful...had me in tears at work AGAIN...
Can I please have my life back now? And if not now, when?
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What a review! I especially liked his appreciation of what he called "minimalist" acting, when Ennis went to Jack's parents to visit.
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What a review! I especially liked his appreciation of what he called "minimalist" acting, when Ennis went to Jack's parents to visit.
:) Hi Tony:
You said it!!
kathy
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I can't stand it. I've watched this movie last night, alone, and I cannot get it out of my head. Everything hurts right now, i feel heartbroken and physically ill. I had to join this forum to reach out to people who might be suffering from what i now call "brokengitis". This movie literally broke me, I can't stop thinking about the characters, the places and the all that has happened. I never thought a movie could do this to me. I just want to find Innis and give him a big hug and tell him everything will be alright. But i can't, I am powerless.
Today, I couldn't concentrate at work, i spend hours googling brokeback mountain reviews, thoughts, and criticism. Just something so i can get more... anything, just something!
please tell me im not alone.
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Hello BH, you are not alone.
Welcome to the Dave Cullen forum.
You sound like many of us when we first came here almost 5 years ago. We all felt like we had been kicked in the stomach, and had a hard time focusing on anything.
Here is a link to a thread called "New Members, Introduce Yourselves" where you can tell us a little about yourself, if you choose.
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8797.0
Here is a thread where you can discuss the movie in general.
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=28284.0
Here you can talk about specific scenes from the movie.
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?board=34.0
Oh, and just so you know, we do have a PM (private message) system here, but you have to post to the forum 5 times before you can use it.
Hope to see your posts all over here soon!
Chuck
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Welcome brokenheart !
brokengitis
We have a new word for the Forum Dictionary ;D
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brokenheart
Another good thread to read is "How Brokeback Affected Me"
Take your time reading it, it's 846 pages :D
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0)
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I can't stand it. I've watched this movie last night, alone, and I cannot get it out of my head. Everything hurts right now, i feel heartbroken and physically ill. I had to join this forum to reach out to people who might be suffering from what i now call "brokengitis". This movie literally broke me, I can't stop thinking about the characters, the places and the all that has happened. I never thought a movie could do this to me. I just want to find Innis and give him a big hug and tell him everything will be alright. But i can't, I am powerless.
Today, I couldn't concentrate at work, i spend hours googling brokeback mountain reviews, thoughts, and criticism. Just something so i can get more... anything, just something!
please tell me im not alone.
You are not alone!! Believe me - I was/am the same way.
BBM never leaves you. It stays in your heart and in your mind. :'(
kathy
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Thank you all for the welcomes!
I'm already at page 245, I love all your stories so far. I am fascinated by this community.
Goodnight to all,
BrokenHeart
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Welcome brokenheart. You are definitely in the right place.
It's been 4 years now, like it has for many but not all here. I happened to watch the movie on tv last night and by the end of the 'dozy embrace' scene where Ennis drives off after their last meeting, I had to switch off. I was so affected by it and marvel at how that can be so after all this time. Oh well, such is the power of our wonderful movie. One of the ways I was helped during that first year was by reading 'slash'. It is a world of alternative endings which we all hope for but know will never become reality. It was very cathartic.
Best wishes to you as you embark on what most of us know will be an amazing journey. We'll all still be here should you need us. :)
Andy.
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I can't stand it. I've watched this movie last night, alone, and I cannot get it out of my head. Everything hurts right now, i feel heartbroken and physically ill. I had to join this forum to reach out to people who might be suffering from what i now call "brokengitis". This movie literally broke me, I can't stop thinking about the characters, the places and the all that has happened. I never thought a movie could do this to me. I just want to find Innis and give him a big hug and tell him everything will be alright. But i can't, I am powerless.
Today, I couldn't concentrate at work, i spend hours googling brokeback mountain reviews, thoughts, and criticism. Just something so i can get more... anything, just something!
please tell me im not alone.
Hello. You're very far from alone. We've all been where you are now and we all know exactly how you feel, like you wanted to jump into the screen and put everything right. And just like you, we all had to find somewhere where we could share how we were feeling with others. So here you are. All I can say is "welcome, you came to the right place". Whatever you need to say, someone will be listening. :-*
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I can't stand it. I've watched this movie last night, alone, and I cannot get it out of my head. Everything hurts right now, i feel heartbroken and physically ill. I had to join this forum to reach out to people who might be suffering from what i now call "brokengitis". This movie literally broke me, I can't stop thinking about the characters, the places and the all that has happened. I never thought a movie could do this to me. I just want to find Innis and give him a big hug and tell him everything will be alright. But i can't, I am powerless.
Today, I couldn't concentrate at work, i spend hours googling brokeback mountain reviews, thoughts, and criticism. Just something so i can get more... anything, just something!
please tell me im not alone.
Hello Brokenheart,
It's been so long since I've visited this thread. I'm not a regular anymore. It has been 4 years for me,was on this forum 24/7 it seemed. Met so many wonderful people,including in person. My life has changed forever.
I'm so glad John gave you the link to the original thread...I can't tell you how many hours we've all spent trying to help each other figure out why we were so affected. There's so many reasons..for gay,straight,bi...whoever you are we all came together ...we cried gallons of tears,we've held each other up. We argued and cussed...Lord, what haven't we done?
Please continue to read on,read our stories....I still haven't found the reasons why this movie changed my life,my only guess is that I was ready to make changes...I didn't want to live a lie...didn't want to be afraid any longer...of myself. Your best bet is to read on...cry your gallons of tears...analyze yourself and be true to who YOU are...jump in the deep end,friend, we will help you float...no fear.
your friend,
Nellie
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Wow. This is ... one of the strongest feelings of nostalgia I've ever had.
I watched Brokeback two years ago, and saw it on TV yesterday and knew that I had to revisit it. All I can say is that if only I had found this forum back then. It would have made things make a whole lot more sense, but it's pointless thinking about that now.
I've read through a few of the posts and like some people I felt physically broken by this film. It took almost a week after watching it for my state of mind to get back to 'normal', and even that it had left an imprint psychologically that no other film has ever done. The worst thing is that I've never, in those two years, watched this film with someone else yet, which I promised myself after watching it that I would do, although this film's helped me come out to a few people.
Looking at what I've just written there actually seems little point to this post but I've written to much now to delete it all. :P
I guess the point is that I've never managed to share this masterpiece of a film with anyone before, and now that I've suddenly found a whole host of people who have managed to truly appreciate this film for every bit of what it is, it's just overwhelming, especially after seeing it again. It hasn't had quite the same effect watching it the second time, but it's made me feel so nostalgic, and jealous of my two year younger self.
Sorry if that was off topic or anything by the way. Am I allowed to ask how you thought Jack died, or is this the wrong section?
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Welcome to the forum BeBeYourLove!!
Please don't ever think that what you've written is pointless.
Every story adds to the big story.
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Am I allowed to ask how you thought Jack died, or is this the wrong section?
Yes, you're allowed to ask that question. Don't be surprised at the variety of answers :D
If there is a section for a specific question, one of the moderators will guide you to it.
We have a site map here that you might find useful:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8878.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8878.0)
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Last night I had a very 'heavy' dream about bbm...
Its been almost two years since I last saw the movie, and still it keeps haunting my mind :-X
How powerfull can one movie get??!
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Hi --
I know what you mean. I watched BBM again last night. It haunts my mind too.
What a powerful effect it had/has on me.
kathy :)
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We all know what the film "is"....but I think we watch it some times just in the hope...that there may be a miracle of a chance ...that possibly...just possibly that this time when we watch it....it may have the ending we all wanted.
Jack:" You know it could be like this...just like this always.
Ennis:" Yeah..how yer figure that?
Jack:"What if you and me...had a little ranch somewhere,little cow and calf operation. Be a sweet life.
(Ennis looks at jack with misty eyes)
Ennis: " Jack..I don't want to spend 'nother day with out ya I just can't stand it no more Jack. Hold me ...don't let go.
Now thats what we wanted....perhaps thats why we/I watch the film over and over again.
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Here's your happy ending
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8125341902068184287# (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8125341902068184287#)
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This is only my second post, but can I just say wow. I've read through a few of the other threads, especially the ones on specific scenes and imagery and can confidently say that everyone's different interpretations and viewpoints have changed the depth on what I thought I understood about this film. it appears I had just scratched the surface. What I thought I'd left behind with this film just crawled back.
On a more positive note this film/book and forums are helping me so much with my upcoming English Lit paper. The depth of which some of you have gone into taking this film apart and looking at it from all angles is astounding, and has really developed my analytical mind. How I WISH, I could write a 10,000 word essay on BBM themes/symbolism/anything instead of what I have to do currently.
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Am I allowed to ask how you thought Jack died, or is this the wrong section?
It was the tire iron.
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How I WISH, I could write a 10,000 word essay on BBM themes/symbolism/anything instead of what I have to do currently.
You can!
Plenty of room on the forum, although you might have to split your posts a bit.
I think a lot of us have discovered that writing our feelings has helped us as much as reading others.
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This is only my second post, but can I just say wow. I've read through a few of the other threads, especially the ones on specific scenes and imagery and can confidently say that everyone's different interpretations and viewpoints have changed the depth on what I thought I understood about this film. it appears I had just scratched the surface. What I thought I'd left behind with this film just crawled back.
On a more positive note this film/book and forums are helping me so much with my upcoming English Lit paper. The depth of which some of you have gone into taking this film apart and looking at it from all angles is astounding, and has really developed my analytical mind. How I WISH, I could write a 10,000 word essay on BBM themes/symbolism/anything instead of what I have to do currently.
Could I proof read it? :D :D :D
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"Brokeback Mountain has done something very seldom a movie can, It has provided us all a frame of reference to reflect our pain, sorrow, joy, love, hopes and aspirations. It gave us all a mirror to look at ourselves. It gave us a story that we could emotionally attach and this forum provided a place where to share our feelings.
Brokeback provided us with language of loss that we all could understand. Brokeback hit us directly into heart and ripped our protective layers to shreds. It left us vulnerable and raw but also alive. Brokeback cannot provide meaning and purpose to our lives but it has exposed the need, shown to us that we may have lost our direction and we need to reclaim it."
Now, looking back I feel that Brokeback gave us the vocabulary for us to get to know each other. It made it possible to explain our existence, feelings, losses and loves with a full reference book. It helped us to connect. And now when discussing about the impact, we have gradually shifted using the vocabulary of our own. This thread is about the impact because what happens to us is about the impact. Stories of abuse and recovery, stories of loves found or lost, stories of coming out, the movie had impact on all of them. How we see them, what we hope to be, what we see in us and our lives.
Now, thinking about the impact, I feel strongly that through the shared experience and impact this work of art gave us courage to find our own voice, own words, our own stories and the value of them. We don't need to reference that often to the movie or characters in order to make our point clear, we don't have to speak through them, we can speak directly from the heart.
Reclaim Our Direction
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfyMsGz6WLU (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfyMsGz6WLU)
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It was the tire iron.
I can't convince myself that it was though! In a way I feel it would fit in far to well (and in fact compliment Ennis' decision in not wanting to lead an 'open' life with Jack) if Jack was murdered. Watching the scene where Lureen is telling Jack what happened, there seems to be a certain truth in what she says, but maybe I'm being deluded. I felt that the real reason she got all teary eyed was of course because she knew of Ennis and Jack, but I just can't say for certain that what Ennis envisioned was true. He was too far in the closet. I'm babbling so I'll stop. ::)
Hope I didn't stupidly double post this.
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I can't convince myself that it was though! In a way I feel it would fit in far to well (and in fact compliment Ennis' decision in not wanting to lead an 'open' life with Jack) if Jack was murdered. Watching the scene where Lureen is telling Jack what happened, there seems to be a certain truth in what she says, but maybe I'm being deluded. I felt that the real reason she got all teary eyed was of course because she knew of Ennis and Jack, but I just can't say for certain that what Ennis envisioned was true. He was too far in the closet. I'm babbling so I'll stop. ::)
Don't stop!!!
We do have a topic for The Phone Call here: http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=178.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=178.0)
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Annie Proulx says in the short story that "Ennis didn' hear about the accident for months."
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Annie Proulx says in the short story that "Ennis didn' hear about the accident for months."
oh, like AP knows ::) ::) ;D
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John! :D :D :D
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I can't convince myself that it was though! In a way I feel it would fit in far to well (and in fact compliment Ennis' decision in not wanting to lead an 'open' life with Jack) if Jack was murdered. Watching the scene where Lureen is telling Jack what happened, there seems to be a certain truth in what she says, but maybe I'm being deluded. I felt that the real reason she got all teary eyed was of course because she knew of Ennis and Jack, but I just can't say for certain that what Ennis envisioned was true. He was too far in the closet. I'm babbling so I'll stop. ::)
Hope I didn't stupidly double post this.
Do we need to know something that is unknowable? And if it is unknowable, then we can never have any peace over it. The point is that Ennis believed it, and I see that as the overriding legacy of this tragic story. IMHO. :)
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Annie Proulx says in the short story that "Ennis didn' hear about the accident for months."
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=178.msg1848292#msg1848292 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=178.msg1848292#msg1848292)
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Annie Proulx says in the short story that "Ennis didn' hear about the accident for months."
But even that has a certain ambiguity about it ... I just found this fanvid on youtube, (oh god, now I know I'm in deep) and wanted to share it. I love the song and it doesn't include any of the sad bits! :) Again, sorry if there's a section for this, but at work so really don't have time to search the forums.
"Do we need to know something that is unknowable? And if it is unknowable, then we can never have any peace over it. The point is that Ennis believed it, and I see that as the overriding legacy of this tragic story. IMHO."
Didn't want to post twice. I never thought of it that way. I guess the fact that we'll never know means that I should see it like that ... of course it would deepen the tragedy factor at the same time too. Or would it? Maybe the fact that getting killed by a 'car' (I've forgotten how it happened, but I mean the way in which Lureen explained) would be more of a kick in the teeth for Ennis? The risk might have paid off, and it deepens one of the themes that you should be who you are and not be oppressed by anybody ... there are 101 other reasons for which that 'DECEASED' card could come through, and often not the one you're assuming, or the one you're scared of most.
Now I really should get back to working! :)
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In reply to John's anwer in "The Phone Call" thread.
But he didn't know anything. He only knows what we know, which is what Lureen says happened, and Ennis has to believe it was the "tyre iron" because it justifies his behaviour over the past twenty years.
If it is really what happened it is a little too "pat" really.
Having said all that I think it is each one of us to decide.
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We all know what the film "is"....but I think we watch it some times just in the hope...that there may be a miracle of a chance ...that possibly...just possibly that this time when we watch it....it may have the ending we all wanted.
Jack:" You know it could be like this...just like this always.
Ennis:" Yeah..how yer figure that?
Jack:"What if you and me...had a little ranch somewhere,little cow and calf operation. Be a sweet life.
(Ennis looks at jack with misty eyes)
Ennis: " Jack..I don't want to spend 'nother day with out ya I just can't stand it no more Jack. Hold me ...don't let go.
Now thats what we wanted....perhaps thats why we/I watch the film over and over again.
That's what I always wanted too. Sigh...
kathy :(
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We really are of the same mind Kathy. x
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We really are of the same mind Kathy. x
HI suely --
I think so too - except for the thing about Jack in another post.
But - I believe we can differ on something. That's what the forums are for!
kathy :)
p.s. We do love our boys...and BBM so much.
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No, no just mind was wondering in the other post. I just write what flashes through my mind and then I find myself in hot water....again !!Also was a retaliation to what some one else had said.
I love our boys.Adore them. I would defend all that they stand for till my last breath. I loved the characters in the film Jack and Ennis. I love Jake and Heath is just something else to me. OK ? If they cut my heart out BBM would be engraved on it.
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No, no just mind was wondering in the other post. I just write what flashes through my mind and then I find myself in hot water....again !!Also was a retaliation to what some one else had said.
I love our boys.Adore them. I would defend all that they stand for till my last breath. I loved the characters in the film Jack and Ennis. I love Jake and Heath is just something else to me. OK ? If they cut my heart out BBM would be engraved on it.
Me too. Mine was a retaliation to what someone else had said too. And - I agree so much with your post above, I could have written it myself!
take care, from your friend
kathy :)
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It was the tire iron. >:( I'm with you on this, bcj.
kathy
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{snip}
Sorry if that was off topic or anything by the way. Am I allowed to ask how you thought Jack died, or is this the wrong section?
We had a Topic of the Week about that a while back. It's here:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=37288.0
Topics of the Week are closed to comments after their week, but they're archived for your reading pleasure. Chuck/CellarDweller made an awesome index of Topics, here:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=37528.0
And the actual archive is here:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?board=85.0
It was an accident, imo, btw.
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as a gent of precisely the depicted age (ennis would be 66 this year) and relatable life experience, i believe in my bones it was the tire iron. in those days gay men who didn't "know their place", received a beating at minimum, jail, death, insanity or suicide most likely.
happily ever afters happened only to the very rich, very talented or very beautiful, and even then rarely. see alan turing, charlie howard and matthew sheppard and ernest hemingway.
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I'm 100% sure Jack was murdered. I mean, c'mon, died while changing a tire?? I immedially found that a really weird explanation.
No, for me Jack has been gaybashed... as painfull as the idea is.
But it's really cool to read other peoples opinions and stuff :)
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Here's your happy ending
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8125341902068184287# (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8125341902068184287#)
That was kinda sweet, John... Thanks!
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I'm 100% sure Jack was murdered. I mean, c'mon, died while changing a tire?? I immedially found that a really weird explanation.
No, for me Jack has been gaybashed... as painfull as the idea is.
But it's really cool to read other peoples opinions and stuff :)
Hi Goby -- I am with you on this 100% too. Gaybashed; painful.
It was the tire iron.
kathy :(
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I think it was an accident, and Ennis could have lived with Jack after all. He wasn't there to turn Jack over after he was hit by the tyre rim, and it was all his fault............................. :'( :'( :'(
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I think it was an accident, and Ennis could have lived with Jack after all. He wasn't there to turn Jack over after he was hit by the tyre rim, and it was all his fault............................. :'( :'( :'(
I'm with janjo on this one. For me, the whole accident scenario feels so much more plausible and so much more brokeback. A large portion of the story is told through what isn't shown on screen; what happened to develop their love on Brokeback, the huge gaps inbetween their meets etc. The portrayal of Jack's murder is far too physical and 'in-your-face' in comparison to what I mentioned earlier, which suggests to me that this only existed inside Ennis' head.
Of course it's undeniable that gay bashing was an issue, and did occur throughout this time in history, but I just feel Lureen's audible account which appears to have so much coldness reflects Brokeback so much more ... and embellishes the theme of 'life's too short to live in oppression' - most of the time it's completely out of your control what happens, so seize the day.
Just an opinion though. ;)
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I feel in my heart that It was the tire iron, mentioned so prominently in both ss and film. Never "a" tire iron; always "the" tire iron. Same type of tire iron that was used on Earl at his beating/murder, the results of which tormented Ennis always in his mind and caused such fear in him.
The "accident" theory is not in line with the rest of the ss/film. All through the ss and film, there is a never-ending feeling of sadness for both of them. An "accident" with a tire rim falling on Jack has all the elements of a carefully prepared lie, repeated over and over again ad nauseum.
Lureen, with her tiny little ice cold voice talking to Ennis after he calls her, says to him "oh yeah, what happened...". Then she launches into the memorization by rote of the carefully prepared version, the "rim of the tire blew...". We see her face; Ennis doesn't, but he immediately thinks of an awful tire iron beating/murder of Jack.
Also, in the ss and BBM the film, when Ennis goes to the Twists' home, OMT relates to him how in the spring Jack came and said "another feller was going to come with him, rancher friend from TX". Ennis' face goes pure white when OMT says this. (Remember, in the ss AP writes at that point "now he (Ennis) knows it was the tire iron").
Gaybashing beatings were the least of what happened in 1963, 1983, and up to today. And in Texas, WY and probably all western states, beatings/murders happened more often than we know. They still happen today.
kathy
p.s. In the trailer for the film, scenes are shown which were later deleted. In the trailer and also in the screenplay, there is a scene showing 2-3 mechanics . These same men were the perpetrators of Jack's brutal death. I do believe this is what happened, because it is definitely part of the awful s story. :'(
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I feel in my heart that It was the tire iron, mentioned so prominently in both ss and film. Never "a" tire iron; always "the" tire iron. Same type of tire iron that was used on Earl at his beating/murder, the results of which tormented Ennis always in his mind and caused such fear in him.
The "accident" theory is not in line with the rest of the ss/film. All through the ss and film, there is a never-ending feeling of sadness for both of them. An "accident" with a tire rim falling on Jack has all the elements of a carefully prepared lie, repeated over and over again ad nauseum.
Lureen, with her tiny little ice cold voice talking to Ennis after he calls her, says to him "oh yeah, what happened...". Then she launches into the memorization by rote of the carefully prepared version, the "rim of the tire blew...". We see her face; Ennis doesn't, but he immediately thinks of an awful tire iron beating/murder of Jack.
Also, in the ss and BBM the film, when Ennis goes to the Twists' home, OMT relates to him how in the spring Jack came and said "another feller was going to come with him, rancher friend from TX". Ennis' face goes pure white when OMT says this. (Remember, in the ss AP writes at that point "now he (Ennis) knows it was the tire iron").
Gaybashing beatings were the least of what happened in 1963, 1983, and up to today. And in Texas, WY and probably all western states, beatings/murders happened more often than we know. They still happen today.
kathy
p.s. In the trailer for the film, scenes are shown which were later deleted. In the trailer and also in the screenplay, there is a scene showing 2-3 mechanics . These same men were the perpetrators of Jack's brutal death. I do believe this is what happened, because it is definitely part of the awful s story. :'(
Its cool to read that mu opinion is exacly the same as yours, but sometimes totally different from others :)
Have to say you wrote it all nice down!!!
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:) Hi Goby --
Thank you!!
kathy
It was the tire iron.
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And it was LD's bully boys who did it ! I am convinced of this. Thats the reason for the concocted story by Lureen.Probably conjured up by LD himself. Like she was reading a script to Ennis over the 'phone.
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And it was LD's bully boys who did it ! I am convinced of this. Thats the reason for the concocted story by Lureen.Probably conjured up by LD himself. Like she was reading a script to Ennis over the 'phone.
:) Hi suely --
Yup. I wouldn't put anything past LD. What a memorized story, truly like a script, she told Ennis. >:(
kathy
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Kathy, please see Dal's posting on "The Phone Call" thread, where he explains how often accidents of the type described in the book happen, backed up by real life medical statistics and reports.
Also, unless the film is trying to be completely at odds with the short story, LD cannot be responsible for Jack's death, because he is long dead himself by then. Lureen has inherited the business, and has given Jack "a vague managerial title," which is where he gets the money and the opportunities to pick up, and presumably pay, for sex with other men.
This is not to say that the actors didn't interpet the script to imply that LD was involved, and I had this impression myself when I first saw the film, and had not yet read the book.
I have stated in "The Phone Call" thread, that I don't think we are meant to know definitely one way or the other how Jack died, because this is what I believe, but Ennis idea that Jack was beaten to death with a tyre iron, because that was what happened to Earl, has to be balanced by how likely it would be that Lureen could have invented such a detailed description, of on the surface, a known, but not necessarily commonplace accident.
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:) Hi janjo --
I'll agree that AP probably meant to leave the matter of Jack's death up to the reader. Sort of like Margaret Mitchell w/GWTW - she'd never write a sequel. She said that it's up to the reader to think: Did Scarlett get Rhett back?? (My opinion is no, but that's just me).
But I've got to be honest and tell you that I stick w/my opinion, that Jack was brutally murdered by gaybashers. So sad.
(And that story of an "accident" by Lureen must have been told so many times, she knew it by heart and said it to Ennis as if reciting from a textbook). The lives/story of E/J is already so sad all the way up to that time; they're both so miserable; a murder would follow right in line.
((((((((kathy)))))))))))))))))
:-*
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But not by the dead LD?
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But not by the dead LD?
Dead or not (LD was around at the T'giving debacle), he had probably badmouthed Jack for soooo long those things stick. >:( And if Jack got careless because he couldn't see Ennis for some time...well, those guys are merciless killers).
So awful for Jack. Ennis too - he did still want to see Jack in November.
:'(
**modded to fix quote**
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But Bobby was what, around eight years old at Thanksgiving, Jack didn't die for years after that, by which time LD was dead, and Lureen was in charge. Lureen could have sent hired killers to beat Jack to death, but LD can't be responsible.
Blaming LD and his cronies doesn't really hang together as a theory.
It may have been other like minded people from the town, but it can't be LD.
Certainly gay men were bashed to death at that time in that place.
The accident theory works just as well. How would anyone have dreamed up that explanation as to how their husband had died?
If Jack was beaten to death, did Lureen know someone else who had died from an accident with a tyre rim, so she could describe what the sequence of events would have been?
I don't suppose it happens everyday, even though as Dal has shown it does happen from time to time.
Ennis, "didn't know which way it was, the tire iron or a real accident, blood choking down Jack's throat and nobody to turn him over. Under the wind drone he heard steel slamming off bone, the hollow chatter of a settling tire rim," at the time Lureen told him about Jack's death.
It was only when he heard that Jack had been seeing someone else in Texas, (probably the real reason for old man Twist's remarks about the "ranch neighbour," plot wise), that Ennis "knows it was the tyre iron."
The author leaves us with a real balancing act.
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This discussion needs to be taken to "Scene by Scene" or"Elements and Themes".
It is not the discussion for "How Brokeback Affected Me".
Thanks,
Linda/killersmom
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You are perfectly correct Linda. Transferring to "The Phone Call" thread, where it should have been in the first place.
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Catia posted this link on Facebook, a piece titled "Ennis Del Mar is a lonesome cowboy who will break your heart."
http://www.examiner.com/x-37264-Heath-Ledger-Examiner~y2010m3d11-Heath-Ledger-as-Ennis-Del-Mar
Reading it brought tears to my eyes. Still powerful.......
i didn't have much time lately to catch up - so i only read this today. now, i'm crying. again. the author understands so well what broke our hearts.
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I recently put together this collage of scans I made of postcards included in one of my BBM DVDs. I have it as my desktop for a few days as Chuck and I prepare to celebrate our Third Wedding Anniversary on May 1st.
We always watch the movie on May 1st. This year it will be in Niagara Falls - we have booked a two-day package in one of those hotels perched right over the falls.
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi79.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fj149%2Fatruant%2FRecentlyUpdated.jpg&hash=e6e975a4ff82246c942496a4337130785176b9ce)
Like the rest of you, Jack and Ennis continue to affect us....
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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What a wonderful collage, John!!
And what a wonderful way to celebrate your anniversary!!!
Happy Anniversary in advance, have a wonderful and romantic trip to the falls!!
:-* :-* :-* :-*
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:) Hi john --
This is a beautiful collage. Like you and so many of us, Ennis & Jack will always continue to effect me... :-*
kathy
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Thank you Sonja and kathy..... ;) :-*
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^^^^
What a wonderful way to spend your Anniversary ? I hope you have the best of times a Niagara and many congratulations to you both. x
Just checked .......this post is almost the same as Sason...but I still mean it too !!
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And so do I ! Congratulations on your Wedding Anniversary, and have a wonderful time in Niagra. :-* :-*
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With Viagra? Nah, they don't need it. Have a great time, John and Chuck!
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i didn't have much time lately to catch up - so i only read this today. now, i'm crying. again. the author understands so well what broke our hearts.
I completely agree with you. The writer is so dead-on with her assessment and review that while reading this article, tears came to my eyes visualizing the scenes that she describes. Her last sentences are also very accurate: "We're left heartbroken for Ennis. We don't want to leave him like this, living all alone in his dreary trailer on the bleak Wyoming plains, with nary a friend in the world. But we don't entirely leave him. Or rather, he doesn't entirely leave us; he and those tear-filled eyes haunt us for a long time after the movie is over."
I am haunted by Brokeback at the moment, though it's been quite some time since I first saw the film and read the story story. I never expected that I'd still be so deeply moved and attached to the tale of Ennis and Jack. Sometimes it is painful, even though I realize that the characters are fictional.
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Thank you Sonja and kathy..... ;) :-*
And you and chuck have a wonderful time, too! (forgot to say that).
kathy :)
p.s. I watched BBM again last night. Beautiful - everything about it. It will continue to effect me tremendously each time ... just like the first time.
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I recently put together this collage of scans I made of postcards included in one of my BBM DVDs. I have it as my desktop for a few days as Chuck and I prepare to celebrate our Third Wedding Anniversary on May 1st.
We always watch the movie on May 1st. This year it will be in Niagara Falls - we have booked a two-day package in one of those hotels perched right over the falls.
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi79.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fj149%2Fatruant%2FRecentlyUpdated.jpg&hash=e6e975a4ff82246c942496a4337130785176b9ce)
Like the rest of you, Jack and Ennis continue to affect us....
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Wow! I just found this one. Congratulations guys and have a wonderful time. All our love goes with you. :-*
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Have a great time, and Happy Anniversary! ;D
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i didn't have much time lately to catch up - so i only read this today. now, i'm crying. again. the author understands so well what broke our hearts.
Yes, this is one of the most touching, sad articles I have ever read about BBM. The author put if beautifully; how much we cried, how much we care.
kathy
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^^^^
I never noticed the link about "Ennis Del Mar" either ....till now. I am coming to the firm belief that Heath Ledger , was put on this earth , specifically to play Ennis Del Mar. I could never visualise anybody else being Ennis. All of the heartbreak Ennis suffered when he lost his Jack...we now know how he felt..... ' cause we lost our Heath.
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I recently put together this collage of scans I made of postcards included in one of my BBM DVDs. I have it as my desktop for a few days as Chuck and I prepare to celebrate our Third Wedding Anniversary on May 1st.
We always watch the movie on May 1st. This year it will be in Niagara Falls - we have booked a two-day package in one of those hotels perched right over the falls.
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi79.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fj149%2Fatruant%2FRecentlyUpdated.jpg&hash=e6e975a4ff82246c942496a4337130785176b9ce)
Like the rest of you, Jack and Ennis continue to affect us....
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Happy anniversary!!!!
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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^^^^
I never noticed the link about "Ennis Del Mar" either ....till now. I am coming to the firm belief that Heath Ledger , was put on this earth , specifically to play Ennis Del Mar. I could never visualise anybody else being Ennis. All of the heartbreak Ennis suffered when he lost his Jack...we now know how he felt..... ' cause we lost our Heath.
Dear suely -- :-*
This is so beautiful. I'm trying to find the words to answer it. But - I admit - you put it beautifully. I feel so awfully sad for our beloved Heath, and I feel the same as you do.
kathy :'(
p.s. I'm going to "borrow" a beautiful quote for Heath from suely (hope you don't mind):
Others say they have seen angels
But I have seen thee,
And thou art enough
xoxoxo
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I need to see the movie again....it's been too long...I need to FEEL again...I feel a need to cry again, like I did THEN.
ugh
yeah,I'm in one of those moods again...
GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD !!! :'( :'( :'( :'(
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I need to see the movie again....it's been too long...I need to FEEL again...I feel a need to cry again, like I did THEN.
ugh
yeah,I'm in one of those moods again...
GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD !!! :'( :'( :'( :'(
Come to L.A. ;D
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi275.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fjj282%2FSanFranciscoJohn%2Fbrokeback_mountain_xlg.jpg&hash=65882d95d325fd310b3bcb31bb65d2e7018708fb)
Brokeback Mountain
Fifth Anniversary Screening
December 11, 2010
Followed by a staged reading of selections from our book
"Beyond Brokeback: The Impact of a Film"
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi275.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fjj282%2FSanFranciscoJohn%2Fbbscript.jpg&hash=ca89ecf328dc0ba9e6a00d1efdfc2181d60027d5)
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.davecullen.com%2Fbrokeback%2Fbook%2Fimg%2FBeyondBrokebackCover.png&hash=2f473be0c4c4582cae3fcf9b3460755e1cff031f)
The Autry
4700 Western Heritage Way , Los Angeles , CA 90027
323.667.2000, www.theAutry.org (http://www.theAutry.org)
THIS PROGRAM IS SPONSORED BY:
The Out West series at the Autry National Center is made possible through the generous support of Tom Gregory, HBO, the Gill Foundation, and The Small Change Foundation, in association with the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD), the Human Rights Campaign (HRC), and the Courage Campaign.
Focus Features is providing the film, and according to Gregory Hinton " they are very pleased about the Autry program. Brokeback Mountain remains their top grossing film and they are very proud of their relationship with Ang Lee."
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If you payed for my ticket to get there BCJ......I'd be there like a shot !!!!!!!
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Isn't this one a little closer to you suelyblu?
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi275.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fjj282%2FSanFranciscoJohn%2FBBMEDENCOURT.jpg&hash=168d90c92566c7e3af2399389d1423ba6141fd11)
Brokeback Mountain
Wed, May 19, 2010
7:00 PM
Eden Court Theater
Inverness
Address: Bishop's Rd
Phone: (01463) 234234
Eden Court Theatre Tour
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3Iy7FqgrV8 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3Iy7FqgrV8)
http://www.eden-court.co.uk/whats-on/shows/brokeback-mountain
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Catia posted this link on Facebook, a piece titled "Ennis Del Mar is a lonesome cowboy who will break your heart."
http://www.examiner.com/x-37264-Heath-Ledger-Examiner~y2010m3d11-Heath-Ledger-as-Ennis-Del-Mar
Reading it brought tears to my eyes. Still powerful.......
I have "lurked" around here for a few months but have to say what an amazing review....
It says everything I feel but in a way I never could.The feelings are so raw and My heart is breaking all over again.
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I need to see the movie again....it's been too long...I need to FEEL again...I feel a need to cry again, like I did THEN.
ugh
yeah,I'm in one of those moods again...
GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD !!! :'( :'( :'( :'(
((((((((((((((((((((Nellie)))))))))))))))))))))
Keeping you in my thoughts.
Along with a lot of thoughts about all of this. Seems I am just keeping them inside nowadays.
:'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
Love!
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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Inverness is approx. 400 miles away from me !!! I would miss the start !!!!LoL
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If you payed for my ticket to get there BCJ......I'd be there like a shot !!!!!!!
Same here!!
kathy :)
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It's a shame you Brit guys weren't around when we had our Oxford bash. It was the most wonderful and satisfying experience to sit and watch the movie totally surrounded by Brokies.
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi175.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fw155%2FAndyflyhi%2FOXFORD%252008%2FOxford2008473.jpg&hash=219eda6d7242eecd5987fa74f93b2a2acd3fab14)
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I need to see the movie again....it's been too long...I need to FEEL again...I feel a need to cry again, like I did THEN.
ugh
yeah,I'm in one of those moods again...
GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD !!! :'( :'( :'( :'(
You know, Nellie, I don't know if I can cry in the same way. This movie has become such a part of my soul that I don't know if I could ever go back to how it was when all was new and raw. Probably just as well.
Hope you're well. :-* :-* :-*
I so regret we weren't able to hook up that time I was in Chicago. :'(
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You know, Nellie, I don't know if I can cry in the same way. This movie has become such a part of my soul that I don't know if I could ever go back to how it was when all was new and raw. Probably just as well.
I can't either - I think it's partly that I'm almost waiting for my original reactions, and that somehow inhibits them perhaps. But I can still be caught out by odd moments, like if I'm just looking at a small section for TOTW, or re-reading to check on something, and it suddenly gets to me as strongly as ever.
But I'm finding it harder and harder to watch nowadays, knowing that after all this time it's still going to be a tragedy.
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I can't either - I think it's partly that I'm almost waiting for my original reactions, and that somehow inhibits them perhaps. But I can still be caught out by odd moments, like if I'm just looking at a small section for TOTW, or re-reading to check on something, and it suddenly gets to me as strongly as ever.
But I'm finding it harder and harder to watch nowadays, knowing that after all this time it's still going to be a tragedy.
And that's the bottom line, isn't it? It will always be a tragedy. Thank heavens for slash! :D
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Yes a fictional tragedy, but every time I think about it it makes me grateful. Grateful that (certainly in the UK) society has changed to the point where "The love that dare not speak it's name" can now be shouted from the rooftops and acknowledged as a valid state in law. I think of the people who in the past did not have this advantage (and I've known many who did not see this change in attitudes and acceptance), real people not the fictional ones. I think of the real "Jacks" and "Ennis's" who's love was forever thwarted and I am grateful for the strength of those campaigners who went before me so that my life can be so rich. I thank Annie Proulx for reminding us all of this and reminding us that this descrimination still exists in many parts of the world.
Love knows no laws or boundaries, laws and boundaries are man-made and therefore flawed.
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And that's the bottom line, isn't it? It will always be a tragedy. Thank heavens for slash! :D
I haven't watched the film all of the way through since we watched it at your house last year, Andy.
I have seen short clips, and they tend to catch me unawares and upset me.
To watch the whole film through, I have to mentally prepare myself so as not to end up like a limp rag.
There are days I feel I could watch it, and others when I know I couldn't.
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Yes a fictional tragedy, but every time I think about it it makes me grateful. Grateful that (certainly in the UK) society has changed to the point where "The love that dare not speak it's name" can now be shouted from the rooftops and acknowledged as a valid state in law. I think of the people who in the past did not have this advantage (and I've known many who did not see this change in attitudes and acceptance), real people not the fictional ones. I think of the real "Jacks" and "Ennis's" who's love was forever thwarted and I am grateful for the strength of those campaigners who went before me so that my life can be so rich. I thank Annie Proulx for reminding us all of this and reminding us that this descrimination still exists in many parts of the world.
Love knows no laws or boundaries, laws and boundaries are man-made and therefore flawed.
A wonderful posting Nax which says everything that this straight grandmother believes about equality and the rights of all people to be the best people they can be, in our all too short lives.
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Ditto re Neil's post. Well said, friend. :-*
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When I first saw the film ...it just left me with a terrible feeling of....longing. Not easy to explain.... but a longing for me . But I don't know what the longing was for. I seemed to have everything I could ever want or need but........? It did literally shake my world. But why ?? Five years later....it is as though I have just watched it for the first time. This feeling of longing is still so close to the surface ...I can almost touch it.
-
Yes a fictional tragedy, but every time I think about it it makes me grateful. Grateful that (certainly in the UK) society has changed to the point where "The love that dare not speak it's name" can now be shouted from the rooftops and acknowledged as a valid state in law. I think of the people who in the past did not have this advantage (and I've known many who did not see this change in attitudes and acceptance), real people not the fictional ones. I think of the real "Jacks" and "Ennis's" who's love was forever thwarted and I am grateful for the strength of those campaigners who went before me so that my life can be so rich. I thank Annie Proulx for reminding us all of this and reminding us that this descrimination still exists in many parts of the world.
Love knows no laws or boundaries, laws and boundaries are man-made and therefore flawed.
What a wonderful post ((((((((Neil)))))))))
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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I have to watch it. It's like I get this feeling that I MUST watch BBM again, then I pick the night/time and I do. Of course after endless times we know the entire story of Ennis & Jack, their miserable lives w/o each other, the heartbreaking tragedy and everything else. Yet it effects my heart and mind as it did the first time; I love it all the more and "just can't keep from crying". :'(
Such a beautiful, tragic love story. The chemistry between Heath & Jake is so perfect; I don't think it would be the same w/o them.
kathy
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I have to watch it. It's like I get this feeling that I MUST watch BBM again, then I pick the night/time and I do. Of course after endless times we know the entire story of Ennis & Jack, their miserable lives w/o each other, the heartbreaking tragedy and everything else. Yet it effects my heart and mind as it did the first time; I love it all the more and "just can't keep from crying". :'(
Such a beautiful, tragic love story. The chemistry between Heath & Jake is so perfect; I don't think it would be the same w/o them.
kathy
Agree, kathy!!!
And thanks to you, suelyblu, Jess, Fritz, Janie-G, Chuck and Mia for your kind comments.
We had a blast in Niagara, and you're correct Fritz, no Viagra required ;D ;D ;D
And thanks to Jack and Ennis, who started it all.......
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Agree, kathy!!!
We had a blast in Niagara, and you're correct Fritz, no Viagra required ;D ;D ;D
And thanks to Jack and Ennis, who started it all.......
/quote]
:) Hi john - So glad you agree with my post. Sometimes I get a bit too emotional, but I feel and mean every word of it.
kathy :)
p.s. yes - thx to our never forgotten Ennis & Jack...
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Atruant...so happy you had a good time. By the way...did you ever get to see The Falls ??!!!!
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Atruant...so happy you had a good time. By the way...did you ever get to see The Falls ??!!!!
Thanks suelyblu! We actually got INTO the falls on the Maid of the Mist!
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi79.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fj149%2Fatruant%2FIMG_1068.jpg&hash=95016d99934ba7b4dd688c300023ee4ff0e8fabf)
Chuck and John, with the American Falls behind, just before heading down to the Horseshoe Falls and into the mist....
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You know, Nellie, I don't know if I can cry in the same way. This movie has become such a part of my soul that I don't know if I could ever go back to how it was when all was new and raw. Probably just as well.
Hope you're well. :-* :-* :-*
I so regret we weren't able to hook up that time I was in Chicago. :'(
It's been so weird for me these past few months. I can't explain....I feel as if I 'm trying to climb up for air and can't reach for it. I feel as if my life is in hold ..la la land..I feel judged...feel like I always have to explain myself.
No one gets me....
Only people that ever did was you guys...and I can't be with any of you...
Andy...I so regret not being able to meet you....and now it's happened again. Mitchie (Terry's Mitchie) was in Chicago last week for 4 days...I couldn't meet him.... :'( :'( :'(..there was always something that prevented me to get to the city.
I'm just so bummed. :'(
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I get you Nellie. Always have and always will.
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Only people that ever did was you guys...and I can't be with any of you...
(((((Nellie)))))
We're only as far away as a PM or post here. :-*
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I get you Nellie. Always have and always will.
Thanks John....it means a lot to me...((John))
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(((((Nellie)))))
We're only as far away as a PM or post here. :-*
thank you Chucky :'( :'(...miss you guys
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thank you Chucky :'( :'(...miss you guys
We miss you too! :-*
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you know what I think it is?.....not being able to hang out in this Forum . Grant it things have changed...we have all changed and moved on...it's just something...something is just not quite right. :-\
every now and then we need to view the movie, read the book....I just think it's time for me again, even though I haven't been able to see the WHOLE movie since the theaters.
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Maybe it's time you let yourself watch it again.....make some coffee, grab some tissues.....
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Maybe it's time you let yourself watch it again.....make some coffee, grab some tissues.....
when I'm home alone...for sure
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Thanks suelyblu! We actually got INTO the falls on the Maid of the Mist!
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi79.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fj149%2Fatruant%2FIMG_1068.jpg&hash=95016d99934ba7b4dd688c300023ee4ff0e8fabf)
Chuck and John, with the American Falls behind, just before heading down to the Horseshoe Falls and into the mist....
Oh, this looks beautiful - look at the wonderful scenery! I've never been to the Falls, but would love to go.
I'm glad you had such a good time too.
kathy :)
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I get you Nellie. Always have and always will.
This is what's so fabulous about becoming a Brokie isn't it? We get one another because we've all been touched by the magic and there's no replicating it to order. This is uniquely Brokeback and as you sadly say Nellie, our sadness is not only down to the story, but from the so much bigger fall out. I would happily pick up the phone and chat with you but I appreciate that that isn't very often very practical or safe even for many out there in family land. I count my blessings. :-*
-
when I'm home alone...for sure
Hope you did this, Nellie! A re-viewing of our movie is always helpful for me, it not for my tissue supply--- ;D
Hugs and :-* :-* :-* :-*
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Maybe it's time you let yourself watch it again.....make some coffee, grab some tissues.....
:) This is a great idea. I just have to watch it again...
kathy :-*
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This may sound like a contradiction in terms. A lot of the time ....I wish I had NEVER seen BBM. It shook my worlds foundations. I don't feel like I have been able to get back onto an even keel since. But....I love the film and the story. I NEED to see it at least once a month. I NEED to here the music from the film. I NEED to read as much about the making of the film, the characters and the actors who played the two main roles.I NEED to come to this Forum many time in one day. I NEED this "thing" that is practically eating away at my soul. I NEED a cure.
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Time Suelyblu, time and a way to talk through it. ;)
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This may sound like a contradiction in terms. A lot of the time ....I wish I had NEVER seen BBM. It shook my worlds foundations. I don't feel like I have been able to get back onto an even keel since. But....I love the film and the story. I NEED to see it at least once a month. I NEED to here the music from the film. I NEED to read as much about the making of the film, the characters and the actors who played the two main roles.I NEED to come to this Forum many time in one day. I NEED this "thing" that is practically eating away at my soul. I NEED a cure.
That's interesting, Sue. I don't think I feel that, although I can understand what you say. My husband, on the other hand, probably does wish I hadn't seen it ;).
I agree with Neil, though, that time does take the sharp edge off the turmoil.
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(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi79.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fj149%2Fatruant%2FIMG_1068.jpg&hash=95016d99934ba7b4dd688c300023ee4ff0e8fabf)
Good to see you guys!
Mr S and I took almost the same pic, some weeks ago, at the Brazilian waterfalls of Iguaçu !
;)
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This may sound like a contradiction in terms. A lot of the time ....I wish I had NEVER seen BBM. It shook my worlds foundations. I don't feel like I have been able to get back onto an even keel since. But....I love the film and the story. I NEED to see it at least once a month. I NEED to here the music from the film. I NEED to read as much about the making of the film, the characters and the actors who played the two main roles.I NEED to come to this Forum many time in one day. I NEED this "thing" that is practically eating away at my soul. I NEED a cure.
This post impressed me. I know EXACTLY what you mean.
But now it's 'too late', simply, for you, for me, for us all, to wish that things should be like they were before. Impossible.
Now we're "victims" of this unique experience, and at the same time, we have been BLESSED.
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My husband, on the other hand, probably does wish I hadn't seen it ;).
;)
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But now it's 'too late', simply, for you, for me, for us all, to wish that things should be like they were before. Impossible.
Now we're "victims" of this unique experience, and at the same time, we have been BLESSED.
Yes indeed! I realized that back in 2006 and that's when I put those words up under my avatar.
"There are places we can't return." For myself I don't think I wish for things to be like they were earlier. It has clearly been about growing and evolving into a better person and I'm thankful for that.
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It's been so weird for me these past few months. I can't explain....I feel as if I 'm trying to climb up for air and can't reach for it. I feel as if my life is in hold ..la la land..I feel judged...feel like I always have to explain myself.
No one gets me....
Only people that ever did was you guys...and I can't be with any of you...
Nellie if this is any reassurance, from right across the globe I am with you. Though I'm pretty scarce in the forum, I know our Brokie ties are stronger than anything with "face to face" others. I've learnt to accept that I'll be mostly living with physical remoteness (it's definitely very lonely and closeted in so many ways) but I know our spiritual channels nourish us. Hugs to you :-* :-* :-* and know that we will always "get" one another.
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((((Nellie and Maya))))
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((((Nellie and Maya))))
((((((((((Sara)))))))))
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This may sound like a contradiction in terms. A lot of the time ....I wish I had NEVER seen BBM. It shook my worlds foundations. I don't feel like I have been able to get back onto an even keel since. But....I love the film and the story. I NEED to see it at least once a month. I NEED to here the music from the film. I NEED to read as much about the making of the film, the characters and the actors who played the two main roles.I NEED to come to this Forum many time in one day. I NEED this "thing" that is practically eating away at my soul. I NEED a cure.
The thing is Sue, would it have shaken you to your foundations if those foundations had been sound anyway?
That is the conclusion I have come to about myself.
Maybe I had to go through this to come out stronger?
Also, once you have met some Brokies, and start to really feel that love and support back, you will strengthen and be healed.
I promise you. :-*
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I can imagine my first meet with some Brokies !! I will very likely breakdown in tears pleading " For God sake ...help me ". I hope I haven't put anybody off for the next meet especially if I can get to it. x
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I can imagine my first meet with some Brokies !! I will very likely breakdown in tears pleading " For God sake ...help me ". I hope I haven't put anybody off for the next meet especially if I can get to it. x
Nope! You haven't.
I know - I really know what you mean when you say you wish you had never seen Brokeback Mountain. At the same time as it is impossible to live without it..... Victims as Ingmar says. But also blessed....
Oh (((((((((((((Suely)))))))))))) !!
:-* :-* :-*
-
A special hug for you
(((((((((((Maya)))))))))))
Thinking of you with love!
:-* :-* :-*
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I can imagine my first meet with some Brokies !! I will very likely breakdown in tears pleading " For God sake ...help me ". I hope I haven't put anybody off for the next meet especially if I can get to it. x
Nah! Can cope with that!
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I can imagine my first meet with some Brokies !! I will very likely breakdown in tears pleading " For God sake ...help me ". I hope I haven't put anybody off for the next meet especially if I can get to it. x
Or... we could just end up hugging one another to death. :D
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The thing is Sue, would it have shaken you to your foundations if those foundations had been sound anyway?
That is the conclusion I have come to about myself.
Maybe I had to go through this to come out stronger?
Also, once you have met some Brokies, and start to really feel that love and support back, you will strengthen and be healed.
I promise you. :-*
I wouldn't have missed this experience for the world. I can't say it's completely changed my life but it's enriched it in so many ways and Jess, you're right, it has a trick of connecting to emotions and life events we didn't even recognize as being significant before. I just wish I'd seen BBM thirty years ago.
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Yes, or even longer ago, Janie :) But then there wouldn't have been any forum - how would we have coped? (seriously)
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But....I love the film and the story. I NEED to see it at least once a month. I NEED to here the music from the film. I NEED to read as much about the making of the film, the characters and the actors who played the two main roles.
Don't ever forget. It is about the story and the characters. They are the power. No one & nothing else.
Brad
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I think that the movie and the forum have come into each of our lives at the exact moment we all individually needed it the most, be it five years ago, a few years ago, or just a a few months or weeks or days ago. We all have been affected and changed by this movie and the message it sent to each and every one of us.
We assimilated it into our individual lives and took from it exactly what each of us needed, whether we knew we needed it or not. I know many have asked what "it" is and I cannot answer this for any of you. I only know what the "it" is for me and each of you has to know what "it" is for yourself. And of course "it" is as varied and numerous as the people on this forum.
I know that five years ago it was not easy for me to try to deal with all of this. I had so many questions I agonized over, just like most of us here. I got some answers to these questions, but some I did not. I just had to accept the fact that not all of them were answerable. I guess it was just a leap of faith to know that what had happened to me was a wonderful and beautiful and life altering change and that it was up to me to either do something with it or not.
I did for myself.
I have never regretted all that has happened in the last five years and have welcomed everything with open arms. Sometimes it has been a struggle, but worth fighting for. I hope that things continue to occur for the future. I think they will. The folks I have met through the movie and the forum have enriched my life beyond belief. I have been so fortunate to meet so many face to face and I feel truly blessed. I have met so many more virtually and feel equally blessed.
My life is not what it was 5 years ago and I cannot begin to imagine what my life would have been without all of this. It has been that ride that I am still continuing every day and hope to "For as long as we can ride it. There ain't no reins on this one."
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I reckon you nailed it there Linda. How amazing that this story can be so many things to so many people. I sincerely hope that this forum continues to be an effective channel for all who are at whatever part of their journey, and as you say, Linda, the friendships created here and beyond are awesome.
Good to see you're still around Brad. A blast from the past. :)
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Yes, or even longer ago, Janie :) But then there wouldn't have been any forum - how would we have coped? (seriously)
I honestly don't know Sara. It was a very weird feeling coming here that first time and finding legions of people all looking for the same thing; why am I feeling like this? I felt very very thankful and I still do.
Linda, that's a truly inspirational post. I wonder if any of those involved with the film really understand what they did in bringing it to us?
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Dearest Linda, thank you for expressing so well how it is for most of us.
Regardless of what eventually might happen to this forum, we will always have the new friends it generated.
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Come to L.A. ;D
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi275.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fjj282%2FSanFranciscoJohn%2Fbrokeback_mountain_xlg.jpg&hash=65882d95d325fd310b3bcb31bb65d2e7018708fb)
Brokeback Mountain
Fifth Anniversary Screening
December 11, 2010
Followed by a staged reading of selections from our book
"Beyond Brokeback: The Impact of a Film"
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi275.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fjj282%2FSanFranciscoJohn%2Fbbscript.jpg&hash=ca89ecf328dc0ba9e6a00d1efdfc2181d60027d5)
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.davecullen.com%2Fbrokeback%2Fbook%2Fimg%2FBeyondBrokebackCover.png&hash=2f473be0c4c4582cae3fcf9b3460755e1cff031f)
The Autry
4700 Western Heritage Way , Los Angeles , CA 90027
323.667.2000, www.theAutry.org (http://www.theAutry.org)
THIS PROGRAM IS SPONSORED BY:
The Out West series at the Autry National Center is made possible through the generous support of Tom Gregory, HBO, the Gill Foundation, and The Small Change Foundation, in association with the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD), the Human Rights Campaign (HRC), and the Courage Campaign.
Focus Features is providing the film, and according to Gregory Hinton " they are very pleased about the Autry program. Brokeback Mountain remains their top grossing film and they are very proud of their relationship with Ang Lee."
Come to Boston BCJ...
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Nothing will ever be the same again, nor should it.
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Hugs Nell.....
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(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi41.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fe267%2Fnickjadegreen%2FBBQ%2Fbbq231.jpg&hash=c569336dec63fef4e0baf791955debd075ab645d)
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi41.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fe267%2Fnickjadegreen%2FBBQ%2Fbbq194.jpg&hash=2e255d6a3ddd0e171ce45c99d08e6943b83d8664)
:-*
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While I believe the story Brokeback Mountain belongs to its characters, each and every one, subsequent BBM experiences belong to each of us. For some of us that already have it pretty durn’ good, the story allowed us to look into the mirror and settle with the contentment that stares back. Analyze our past. Seek answers to the, why’s? Cherish every moment with the one that cherishes and loves back.
For the many ‘trailer locked’, these subsequent experiences opened up a whole new world. The courage to take a deep breath and expand into the lives of so many others. Turn the mundane into something special. Forge life-long friendships that vast oceans can’t separate. Share daily lives via forums for those that don’t have the means to hop on a plane. Everyone makes the whole, and despite political/economic conditions, we do have a commonality. Brokeback Mountain.
And what about those lucky soles that, for whatever reason, thought they were trapped and the door was locked? Those subsequent shared stories and encouragement allowed one to see the lock which stared them in the eye. A hint to turn that lock and a gentle (ok, sometimes severe) push out that door and right into the life of another. Partnerships forged in love and sharing, and in a way, a very good ending to such a tragic story.
Brad
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I agree with you Brad, and all the others who posted here. BBM, the Book and the Film touched soooo many lives, in many different ways. But for me, and many others, I think it was an awakening moment. A place in our lives when Time stood still, and we couldn't move, or seem to function, then found our way to this Forum, and some others too. And suddenly, you realize you aren't going crazy, most of all, you aren't alone. This, for me, is what made the most difference, I am NOT alone, I have met some of the most interesting, warm, understanding and tolerant people in this Forum. They will always be a part of my Life now, not matter what Fate deals us, or where we may go............they (YOU!) will always be in my heart, you made me 'feel', you made me 'feel'.....................
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I reckon you nailed it there Linda. How amazing that this story can be so many things to so many people. I sincerely hope that this forum continues to be an effective channel for all who are at whatever part of their journey, and as you say, Linda, the friendships created here and beyond are awesome.
Thanks Andy. Periodically after reading so many great posts here, it occurs to me (and to remind myself) to post and recall all the fantastic things about my life as a result of all this. You are so correct about our family here.
Linda, that's a truly inspirational post. I wonder if any of those involved with the film really understand what they did in bringing it to us?
Thanks so much, Janie! I can't answer about all those involved in the making of the film and their understanding, but I feel that as long as we know what it brought to each of us we're good.
Dearest Linda, thank you for expressing so well how it is for most of us.
Regardless of what eventually might happen to this forum, we will always have the new friends it generated.
I appreciate it so much, John. You and Chuck are such a good example of what the movie and the forum has done for those of us who are affected by it. Your friendships will always be special to me! :-*
Nothing will ever be the same again, nor should it.
So very, very true, Nick! It never will be the same again, and for this I am so thankful. :-*
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Auntie and Brad, thanks for the heart-felt recent posts here! Wonderful!
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:) Hello --
The recent posts here are all beautiful. I try to put my emotions and heart into my posts; I read these and as I think of how enormously BBM effected me, as it did so so many people, I'm with you.
kathy :'( :-*
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Thank you from me too (((((((Linda))))))!
Thank you for once again talking so openly in this wonderful thread.
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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While I believe the story Brokeback Mountain belongs to its characters, each and every one, subsequent BBM experiences belong to each of us. For some of us that already have it pretty durn’ good, the story allowed us to look into the mirror and settle with the contentment that stares back. Analyze our past. Seek answers to the, why’s? Cherish every moment with the one that cherishes and loves back.
For the many ‘trailer locked’, these subsequent experiences opened up a whole new world. The courage to take a deep breath and expand into the lives of so many others. Turn the mundane into something special. Forge life-long friendships that vast oceans can’t separate. Share daily lives via forums for those that don’t have the means to hop on a plane. Everyone makes the whole, and despite political/economic conditions, we do have a commonality. Brokeback Mountain.
And what about those lucky soles that, for whatever reason, thought they were trapped and the door was locked? Those subsequent shared stories and encouragement allowed one to see the lock which stared them in the eye. A hint to turn that lock and a gentle (ok, sometimes severe) push out that door and right into the life of another. Partnerships forged in love and sharing, and in a way, a very good ending to such a tragic story.
Brad
Thank you! Thank you for every word you say here.
Such a beautiful and meaningful post that speaks directly to my heart.
(((((((((Brad))))))))))
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Thank you Brad!
That's one of the best posts I've read in this topic for a long time.
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Thank you Brad!
That's one of the best posts I've read in this topic for a long time.
I second that John. Perceptive and eloquent. Thanks Brad.
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I'm so happy to see some old faces....you guys made me smile.
I feel that ever so often we should all jump in here and stir things up,you know?....just a small pinch to see that we're all still on the same page...and if NOT..to help us turn them...it's all good.
Nellie
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Still here too, Nellie!!!
It's been a long time...
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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Still here three, Nelllie!!!
I'm willing to peel potatoes anytime. ;)
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Wow, first Nellie, then Brad, now Jerry. Good to see you guys. :) Who else would like to come out of the woodwork?
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Gerry! ;D
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Still here three, Nelllie!!!
I'm willing to peel potatoes anytime. ;)
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
bwahahahhahahha...good God...you're a riot...thanks for the laugh ;)
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I must confess.... ::)
Being away from here for too long has taken a toll on me...I tend to crawl back into old habits before the movie and that's not good.
You guys have lifted my spirits just because I see you around...is that crazy?...sound stupid?...I need to grow up?...
Nope
I STILL don't know what I want to be when I grow up ::)
I love you guys!!
Nellie
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Are you still having to use the library to go online, Nellie?
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Great post, Brad! And good to see y'all, Gerry and Nellie! Like the old days!
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:) Hi --
I can't get it out of my mind. Ennis' staring at his food in that bus stop diner; the sadness and misery on his face due to the fact he's not with Jack - I can't get it out of my mind. For some reason this scene is sticking with me today, probably because I've always felt that at last he is seriously thinking of doing something.
On other days, it's another scene I can't get out of my heart/mind, e.g. the bad argument and how Ennis breaks down and sobs in Jack's arms, and they hold each other so tight like they will never let go. (We see the camera focus in on Ennis' arms clutching, holding), Jack hugging him and trying to console him as usual.
But in summary, I suppose, I cannot get Brokeback Mountain out of my heart or mind. I really don't want to...just love it so much. And I still feel that I need to see it again, no matter how sad and tragic their story is.
kathy
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^^^^^
Hey you ..the old time brokies ??
How the hell can you NOT come here ?? !!! Does the "need" wear off ? Does the wanting to see and hear all about that wonderful moment when the lorry came into view and what followed fade ? Does the desperation to talk someone about how it affected you finally leave you ?? For God sake say "YES" . This film and SS is killing me.
Hi ...my name is Sue and I'm a BBM addict. I haven't been free from it now for 5 years.
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check out this video
Class Acting Scene: Brokeback Mountain
http://www.twitvid.com/5NRKC (http://www.twitvid.com/5NRKC)
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Saw it....binned it !!!
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Who else would like to come out of the woodwork?
I came out a few pages ago and crawled in again. Hey all! :-* :-* :-*
Does the desperation to talk someone about how it affected you finally leave you
NO! NEVER! It grows with the years ::)
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^^^^^
Hey you ..the old time brokies ??
How the hell can you NOT come here ?? !!! Does the "need" wear off ? Does the wanting to see and hear all about that wonderful moment when the lorry came into view and what followed fade ? Does the desperation to talk someone about how it affected you finally leave you ?? For God sake say "YES" . This film and SS is killing me.
Hi ...my name is Sue and I'm a BBM addict. I haven't been free from it now for 5 years.
Hi, long time Brokie here too *waves to the old friends (((Gerry Fritz Nellie Brad!)))*
Sue, I'm sorry to say that no, it doesn't go away. It's been 5 years now and whenever Brokeback is mentioned or Heath or Jake or our boys I can't keep from feeling that feeling all over again, not to mention the fact that I cannot watch the film anymore, not even a single scene. It's still too painful, but I watched it 20 times I think soon after it was released and cried more than I ever did in my whole life. And I still NEED to have Brokeback in my life, the same need I had 5 years ago.
Maybe we don't post that often anymore, or this is my case at least, but I couldn't ever leave this place for good. It's the only place where I know I'm among friends who get it and feel exactly what I feel, as crazy as this feeling may seem sometimes. You're in the right place Sue and Brokeback won't kill you. It will more likely make you feel alive again, even if through all that sorrow.
You will always have someone here for you, Sue. We all are here for each other, this fact hasn't changed.
Brad, wonderful post, friend.
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You're in the right place Sue and Brokeback won't kill you. It will more likely make you feel alive again, even if through all that sorrow.
That was beautifully expressed :-*
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It will more likely make you feel alive again, even if through all that sorrow.
Very well said!
I've felt more alive ever since seeing the movie, I've made myself go out and experience more.
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So many friendly faces in here lately!! So nice to see ya'll here...... :-*........so nice! :)
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Are you still having to use the library to go online, Nellie?
No Andy....that was a nightmare...hope it will never happen again.
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^^^^^
<snip>
Hi ...my name is Sue and I'm a BBM addict. I haven't been free from it now for 5 years.
Hi Sue....my name is Nellie and I am a BBM addict also...it's been 5 yrs for me too.......lol ;)
Lord
Some days I feel the need to see a professional... :D
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I don't know why all these months and months I didn't seem to have a "need" to be around here as much. My life has been so busy that I find myself just logging in for 5 minutes, check any PM's I may have and log right back out. Even many times I would say..."Okay,I'm going to cancel my membership here today, why bother? I have Facebook now to keep in touch".....
Hmmmmm....hasn't happened yet...and why?
Some days we all have dark moments...but we always snap out of it.
I've said it before over and over again..but I'll say it again for all the new folks that are roaming around..many times I can't get the movie out of my head..it will be there FOREVER...and so many of us have said that we can no longer go back to what it was...that "RAW" feeling ...that punch in the gut feeling...it's never going to happen...we can never take back what we did either....getting "over" it was hard...I 'm not saying I want to relive it over and over again...it's time we all move on....I'm just saying that at times I "need" to feel that again...whenever I'm unsure of a certain thing that is going on in my life...I tend to think about Brokeback...I don't want to make the wrong decisions again...we're only human,I know...but what would Jack and Ennis have done?
We hold all the things that we have learned...the characters of the movie were fictional...but it was all too real for me...for us...so many have said it so well ....
I don't know why I come in here ...I don't understand why at times I still feel lost...my life has taken many new turns for me...it's better,that's for sure...I'm happier, God, I'm so much happier...those dark days are past me I hope...and as Linda said in her posts, some questions will never be answered...it just won't...accept it and move on...or maybe it will come when we least expect it...who knows!
I've always had a habit of coming in this thread and spitting out shit...lol...whatever is in my mind I tend to vent here...and thank you for letting me do this...it's been so long. It always makes me feel better when I try to write stuff out and think about it...maybe I can help someone else, I always say to myself..you can help me.
This Forum is our therapy....remember we all used to laugh at the fact that we all have saved tons of money of not paying some shrink to tell us we weren't crazy?...or maybe some of us are...ha ha ha...some of us even were seeing a professional and THEY weren't able to help but WE were!! How cool was that!?!
I have met so many beautiful people in here...lots in person. some mean the world to me...they will ALWAYS hold and have a special part in my heart....but if I must say this out loud..there will never be another reunion for me.It must stay via Forum style...maybe a phone call or two....e-mails...it had brought so much confusion with my husband...he doesn't get it and never will...I can't be mad at him for it either. He has always been there for me but for some things..well,I guess it is what it is...I have to put it past me. I've had many opportunities to meet some of you in Chicago when you were in the "neighborhood"...I didn't have the heart to say to some of you I couldn't meet you. That did something to me. It spurred some thoughts again I thought I had left behind. The movie came to my mind,that hurt feeling clouded my thoughts and again, every waking moment is all about Brokeback....I may lose friendships this way...but what can I do? I hope that these people will NEVER think.."Man,Nellie stood us up,she must be a fake,or she doesn't really care to see us again"!!!
I've always been my worst enemy...I'm always too hard on myself..but I can say this..
My experiences I have had with this Forum...meeting you all in Texas...in Bay City and even in the Slash reunion in Chicago...all of that is part of me now. NO ONE can take that away from me. Our movie, "Brokeback Mountain" is part of me now too and no one can say I didn't deserve to feel it and want it..the story it left and the TRUE meaning of it all will always play in my head...that "what if" will always haunt me.
I wonder if after 5 more years we will all still be here venting and asking...wondering..
Nellie
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Hi Sue....my name is Nellie and I am a BBM addict also...it's been 5 yrs for me too.......lol ;)
Lord
Some days I feel the need to see a professional... :D
Hi Sue... Hi Nellie... my name is Mejack and I'm a BBM addict. Been that way for 5 years. LOL
Some days I feel the need to see a professional. Wait, I am a professional. Hmmm ???
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Paul, it's great to see you here!
Actually, it's great to see that some members who were here from the beginning still show up, even if they're "lurking".
It shows the power of the film.....it's continuing to affect us.
We're all on a journey together, no matter when you saw the movie, or joined the forum. ;D
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i'm sitting in my low income one bedroom flat in sw florida, in pain from a newly discover ed herniated (or something) disk, laughing my ass off, literally, at how many of those first faces are still passing through, however quietly.
i don't feel connected to the forum much at all lately, but i can't quit the people, newly hatched or tough old birds who pass through.
even though i don't like everyone equally, i must love love you all in spite of everything, judging by how my smile got wider with each additional emergence.
heath, and ennis, have been on my mind much lately, because, of all things, a british sop opera. there has been a blossoming of gay story lines on television, mostly international but here as well, and most of them are afflicted by the shortcomings of their medium, even if they do represent us a bit. emmerdale, under the tutelage of a new director, has committed to a brilliant story line, so reminiscent of our ennis to me at least, that i cringe. i highly recommend tracking down the youtube videos of aaron's story as portrayed by danny miller, a 19 year old lad who has that same quality of silent angry self hating desparation shown so well by heath. at times i feel like i am looking at a ghost. i don't know if he will rise beyond as heath was about to do, but in this moment in time, he is in a rarefied zone.
thanks for the lift, i hope i returned the favor.
ps: if you can't find the clips let me know.
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Hi Jack,
Here's a link to the story you talk of. From here anyone can catch up on what's going on. And you're right, the angst shown in this particular character is very Ennis like but equally as well acted, especially from someone so young.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iBOC33QwnHU
As for your present condition, what can one do but wish you well when an ocean separates us? If only we had a Brokie reach out and help programme where the special relationships we have fostered through this website could be turned into something of a more practical and hands on experience. :-*
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Hi Sue... Hi Nellie... my name is Mejack and I'm a BBM addict. Been that way for 5 years. LOL
Some days I feel the need to see a professional. Wait, I am a professional. Hmmm ???
OMG...Paul...xoxooxoxoxoox....I love you!!
-
Here's a link to the story you talk of. From here anyone can catch up on what's going on. And you're right, the angst shown in this particular character is very Ennis like but equally as well acted, especially from someone so young.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iBOC33QwnHU
ah, andy, now you've gone and done it. i put that wrenching scene behind me, i thought.
i hear that stupid theme song in my sleep it seems. i defy anyone to watch parts 1 & 2 from that series and walk away from those characters. everything about that screams first rate and truth. acting, writing, lighting, camerawork. there is no need to suspend disbelief, because it is utterly believable.
not only is danny miller brilliant here, he is quite humble in spite of all the attention, and he responds quite caringly via twitter.
i am going to be calling his attention to BBM, in the event he never got to see it. he was only 14 when it came out, and a bit roughish. it is hard to relay what a compliment it is to be put alongside heath ledger, but i hope to open that door, if it hasn't been already, for him. ennis is the invisible presence hovering around that boy.
as for my situation, it could be worse, and it might even become so, but for now i have a nice small newish apartment in a climate i can tolerate, while i sort out all the ways my body has begun to betray me. with luck i may be able to put most of them right.
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Gee. I hope noone ever tries to be like Heath as Ennis (or Jake as Jack).
That is impossible.
Our beloved Heath... :-*
-
nobody said anyone was TRYING to be like anyone. and heath was a remarkable one of a kind actor, but "beloved" is just a touch creepy, imho. i will forever regret the work that ought to have been however.
what i was on about was seeing that same youthful promise in another actor, and the stifled emotions of a character that rocked the cinema genre surfacing in what is an unlikely venue.
mr miller was only 14 when brokeback won a a bafta or two, he would scarcely be imititating it, even if that WERE possible.
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Well, guess I just love both of them, that's all. And I do think Heath is beloved by so many. I do admit I get weepy about him and everything about BBM. Nothing wrong with that though.
How I love that film!
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Well I have the greatest respect for Jack's observations, (and for Jack), but, count me in on the rightness of using the word "beloved". In the context Kathy used it. As to the other issues, I wouldn't have a clue.
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Well I have the greatest respect for Jack's observations, (and for Jack), but, count me in on the rightness of using the word "beloved". In the context Kathy used it. As to the other issues, I wouldn't have a clue.
:) Oh Tony -- Thank you; I feel the same way as to how it was used. "Beloved" is such a beautiful word; I use it for my daddy; I use it for Heath. I truly love this extraordinary word; it means so much to me.
And - I was going to go back in and edit to add this. You did it for me, my friend.
kathy :-*
I, also, as to the other issues don't have a clue.
-
HEATH...beloved to me and to so many more. Must do our best to keep the memory of this "beloved " young man alive. The way BBM has changed and affected so many people through the story portrayed by these two young men is astounding. There is one who is still around and will be able to achieve greatness in the film industry ......and there is another who reached for the stars and got there but is no longer here. He was a beloved son, a beloved father he was our beloved Heath.
-
HEATH...beloved to me and to so many more. Must do our best to keep the memory of this "beloved " young man alive. The way BBM has changed and affected so many people through the story portrayed by these two young men is astounding. There is one who is still around and will be able to achieve greatness in the film industry ......and there is another who reached for the stars and got there but is no longer here. He was a beloved son, a beloved father he was our beloved Heath.
Dear suely --
I'm in tears reading the above; it is so entirely true. Our beloved Heath. :-* :'(
kathy
xoxo
-
Reading through all these wonderful posts made me think about why I still come here after all this time, even if it's only to quickly look at a thread or two every few days. It's really simple.
It's because I can't bear not to.
Somehow, even when I've thought hard about coming down off the mountain for good and finally leaving it behind, I don't do it. I suppose I made three or four determined attempts to wean myself off, thinking it was about time. But here I am still checking in, still catching up with the news and still caring.
I'm leaving for Wyoming on Friday, volcanic ash cloud permitting. Maybe after that I might be ready to move on but somehow I don't think so, not yet anyway. ;)
-
Reading through all these wonderful posts made me think about why I still come here after all this time, even if it's only to quickly look at a thread or two every few days. It's really simple.
It's because I can't bear not to.
Somehow, even when I've thought hard about coming down off the mountain for good and finally leaving it behind, I don't do it. I suppose I made three or four determined attempts to wean myself off, thinking it was about time. But here I am still checking in, still catching up with the news and still caring.
I'm leaving for Wyoming on Friday, volcanic ash cloud permitting. Maybe after that I might be ready to move on but somehow I don't think so, not yet anyway. ;)
Have a wonderful time there, Janie, and please come back (VACP) a. to England and b. to here. But somehow I'm not too worried about either :).
-
Reading through all these wonderful posts made me think about why I still come here after all this time, even if it's only to quickly look at a thread or two every few days. It's really simple.
It's because I can't bear not to.
Somehow, even when I've thought hard about coming down off the mountain for good and finally leaving it behind, I don't do it. I suppose I made three or four determined attempts to wean myself off, thinking it was about time. But here I am still checking in, still catching up with the news and still caring.
I'm leaving for Wyoming on Friday, volcanic ash cloud permitting. Maybe after that I might be ready to move on but somehow I don't think so, not yet anyway. ;)
Have a wonderful trip to Wyoming, Janie!!
I've just been passing through Wyoming by train, and there was still a lot of snow. Hope it's melted until you get there.
And please come back here!!!
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((((((Sara and Sonja)))))
Thank you both so much! ;D
Sonja, I noticed the snow was late going. Did you have a great trip through?
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Somehow, even when I've thought hard about coming down off the mountain for good and finally leaving it behind, I don't do it. I suppose I made three or four determined attempts to wean myself off, thinking it was about time. But here I am still checking in, still catching up with the news and still caring.
Yes, this is an experience we all seem to go through. Wondering if it's time to leave, or if we should. I've noticed there are a great many reasons, though, for coming to the forums, and so, different answers. A lot of people who focused on the gay issues only, well, they left or stayed, depending on whether they found it relevant, in that area.
Others, a great many, really were life-altered by that love-story, in and of itself, and it has been imprinted on their (our) lives. It's hard to say good-bye to something that became a part of your life, and you would need a good reason. And, of course, a sturdy number carried over the emotions of the story to the actors themselves, and so, Heath and Jake, those two especially, became people we related to. And then, those who could go to Brokie meet-ups, developed personal friendships, and, in time, those friendships can go past the original bond in common. I missed out on all that, at least, so far.
I do see the love for BbM (and for Heath- boy did I invest a lot there!) as an extremely unusual help in troubled times. My best answer, to myself, is that you can't ever erase from your life something that meant so much to you. Sometimes it can fade a little or a lot. But even if I left the forums, I couldn't deny the legitimate love I have had for the story and also for the people who shared that love. However things go, I will remember the gift, even if, as time passes, it puzzles me.
I hope other people's decisions will be to keep this great love story, at some level, in some way, a part of their lives. And I hope the forums continue to evolve and survive for people of like mind. Mmmm....I also hope Brokies forgive differences and keep in mind what brought them together in the first place. We don't have to be, all of us, close friends. But we ought to remember what we have in common, and go easy on each other, when issues come up. Peace.
Edited to shorten my original post, and keep it less personal.
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Janie...don't you dare give up on us. Just remember....I know where you live !!!!!! Please stay ?
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Reading through all these wonderful posts made me think about why I still come here after all this time, even if it's only to quickly look at a thread or two every few days. It's really simple.
It's because I can't bear not to.
Somehow, even when I've thought hard about coming down off the mountain for good and finally leaving it behind, I don't do it. I suppose I made three or four determined attempts to wean myself off, thinking it was about time. But here I am still checking in, still catching up with the news and still caring.
I'm leaving for Wyoming on Friday, volcanic ash cloud permitting. Maybe after that I might be ready to move on but somehow I don't think so, not yet anyway. ;)
Wishing you the most wonderful time in Wyoming ((((((((Janie)))))))) !!!
I know how you are thinking. On and off I have those thoughts about maybe leaving the forum behind and moving on too. Not very long ago I posted about it in this thread. These thoughts about moving on or staying must come now and then I think. As I understood from pm's I got from others when I posted about it it seems I was (and am) far from alone in having these thoughts.
Maybe it will just stay as thoughts, maybe - even if one at some point later on DOES move on or fade out or leave - there will be times to come back now and then.... It is hard to tell, isn't it? Thoughts about leaving the engagement in the forum and in threads is of course not the same thing as thinking about leaving ones friends.....
Just know one thing, Janie. IF you do that, move on in a way so that long time will pass without you being around - you would be missed.
LOVE!
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Mia.... I don't know where you live ...but I can find out....and drag you back here to this Forum kicking and screaming !!! Who else can talk to me about Jeff Buckley ?!!! Stay ?
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You better all stay...........................or else! :-* :-* :-*
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Oh, yes - please all stay.
kathy :-*
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((((((Sara and Sonja)))))
Thank you both so much! ;D
Sonja, I noticed the snow was late going. Did you have a great trip through?
Sure did.
It was a Brokie train trip, from Denver to Seattle, via Sacramento. So much Brokie fun!!
As others have said; the devastating and direct impact of the movie may be slowly fading and changing, but the friendships built are strong and a source of daily joy!!
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Sure did.
It was a Brokie train trip, from Denver to Seattle, via Sacramento. So much Brokie fun!!
As others have said; the devastating and direct impact of the movie may be slowly fading and changing, but the friendships built are strong and a source of daily joy!!
Have you come back with an American Brokie accent, Sonja? :D
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Have you come back with an American Brokie accent, Sonja? :D
You have no idea.....
:D
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Can't wait ;).
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Yes, this is an experience we all seem to go through. Wondering if it's time to leave, or if we should. I've noticed there are a great many reasons, though, for coming to the forums, and so, different answers. A lot of people who focused on the gay issues only, well, they left or stayed, depending on whether they found it relevant, in that area.
Others, a great many, really were life-altered by that love-story, in and of itself, and it has been imprinted on their (our) lives. It's hard to say good-bye to something that became a part of your life, and you would need a good reason. And, of course, a sturdy number carried over the emotions of the story to the actors themselves, and so, Heath and Jake, those two especially, became people we related to. And then, those who could go to Brokie meet-ups, developed personal friendships, and, in time, those friendships can go past the original bond in common. I missed out on all that, at least, so far.
I do see the love for BbM (and for Heath- boy did I invest a lot there!) as an extremely unusual help in troubled times. My best answer, to myself, is that you can't ever erase from your life something that meant so much to you. Sometimes it can fade a little or a lot. But even if I left the forums, I couldn't deny the legitimate love I have had for the story and also for the people who shared that love. However things go, I will remember the gift, even if, as time passes, it puzzles me.
I hope other people's decisions will be to keep this great love story, at some level, in some way, a part of their lives. And I hope the forums continue to evolve and survive for people of like mind. Mmmm....I also hope Brokies forgive differences and keep in mind what brought them together in the first place. We don't have to be, all of us, close friends. But we ought to remember what we have in common, and go easy on each other, when issues come up. Peace.
Edited to shorten my original post, and keep it less personal.
There are times Tony when I wonder how you became so wise! This says exactly how I feel about all this. Thank you for putting it so eloquently.
I have to confess I have a certain dread of a future time when maybe this has become less important to me. Surely if that ever happens there must be a big BBM shaped hole left? I also have a dread that one day I might be the last one here turning off the lights while everyone else moved on! Does that sound ridiculous? Maybe that was one of the reasons I've sometimes thought I'd try to move on.
What you said about the BBM effect always remaining a part of our lives is absolutely true and I think we all take away different things from the experience which are immovable now and deeply entrenched in how we think. I have the film poster up in my studio to remind me to get on with things, not to put things off and to take a chance once in a while even if it doesn't always work out.
And then, those who could go to Brokie meet-ups, developed personal friendships, and, in time, those friendships can go past the original bond in common. I missed out on all that, at least, so far.
I'm keeping everything crossed that you can do this sometime. Hopefully it will happen for you. :-*
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Janie...don't you dare give up on us. Just remember....I know where you live !!!!!! Please stay ?
OMG, I forgot that Sue! Is that you at the door now????? Mind you, don't forget I know where you live too! ;D
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Wishing you the most wonderful time in Wyoming ((((((((Janie)))))))) !!!
I know how you are thinking. On and off I have those thoughts about maybe leaving the forum behind and moving on too. Not very long ago I posted about it in this thread. These thoughts about moving on or staying must come now and then I think. As I understood from pm's I got from others when I posted about it it seems I was (and am) far from alone in having these thoughts.
Maybe it will just stay as thoughts, maybe - even if one at some point later on DOES move on or fade out or leave - there will be times to come back now and then.... It is hard to tell, isn't it? Thoughts about leaving the engagement in the forum and in threads is of course not the same thing as thinking about leaving ones friends.....
Just know one thing, Janie. IF you do that, move on in a way so that long time will pass without you being around - you would be missed.
LOVE!
((((((Mia)))))))
Thank you.
I suppose most of us have thought about this from time to time. But then the longer we're here the stronger the bonds get don't they? I think this forum's taken on a life of its own now and like Tony said the original reason for being here has evolved into so many other valuable things, friendship being the greatest. What a miracle it all is!
Love back to you. :-*
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You better all stay...........................or else! :-* :-* :-*
Oh heck, that sounds serious!! Message received and understood! ;D :-*
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Sure did.
It was a Brokie train trip, from Denver to Seattle, via Sacramento. So much Brokie fun!!
As others have said; the devastating and direct impact of the movie may be slowly fading and changing, but the friendships built are strong and a source of daily joy!!
Wonderful! I'm so glad you had so much fun together. :D
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Oh, yes - please all stay.
kathy :-*
You bet! ;)
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Great posts Tony and Janie!
As for me, I come here more for the friendships I've made than for Brokeback. Yes, there are other ways for me to stay in touch with my friends, but I love being able to come here and see all my friends that I made through this movie.
Brokeback still affects me to this day, and in fact, I had a brokeback related dream last night. :D :D
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/snip/
I have to confess I have a certain dread of a future time when maybe this has become less important to me. Surely if that ever happens there must be a big BBM shaped hole left? I also have a dread that one day I might be the last one here turning off the lights while everyone else moved on! Does that sound ridiculous? Maybe that was one of the reasons I've sometimes thought I'd try to move on.
What you said about the BBM effect always remaining a part of our lives is absolutely true and I think we all take away different things from the experience which are immovable now and deeply entrenched in how we think. I have the film poster up in my studio to remind me to get on with things, not to put things off and to take a chance once in a while even if it doesn't always work out.
It sounds quite frightening to me, Janie, and it makes me realise how dependent I've become on the forum, and in particular to chatting in the diner. RL is satisfying, but I still have this need.
Recently I'd started to feel that the book and film no longer touch me in quite the way they used to. Someone said to me that they very rarely watch the film because they don't want to become de-sensitised, and I thought that perhaps that had to some extent happened to me. But just a few minutes ago I put it on again to look at a scene with Lureen for TOTW, and when the music started the old feelings, and the edge of tears, came rushing back unchanged. I was glad - I don't want to lose that.
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:) I don't really want to move on or away from BBM. The affect it had on me is ever-lasting. And the wallop it made to my heart and mind is part of me too. As I've said before, I have to watch it sometimes. The effect and beauty of all of it is ingrained in my mind, so remembered, and so loved. There are not many things I can this about...
kathy :-*
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I don't mean to intrude on this discussion (sorry) but did someone mention Jeff Buckley? I though so and have looked back a few pages to no avail) If you did - yep - me too :)
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I think it's fair to say that BBM is a once in a lifetime experience, Kathy. I can't ever imagine it being superseded by anything.
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It is Mia and myself who are of the Jeff Buckley appreciation society !!!!! We tend to keep it very quiet !!!!
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I think it's fair to say that BBM is a once in a lifetime experience, Kathy. I can't ever imagine it being superseded by anything.
Hi Andy - Yes. Agree completely.
kathy :)
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Oh, I hope the BBM is a once and a lifetime experience for me......I'm not sure if I could do that again!
:D :D
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It sounds quite frightening to me, Janie, and it makes me realise how dependent I've become on the forum, and in particular to chatting in the diner. RL is satisfying, but I still have this need.
Recently I'd started to feel that the book and film no longer touch me in quite the way they used to. Someone said to me that they very rarely watch the film because they don't want to become de-sensitised, and I thought that perhaps that had to some extent happened to me. But just a few minutes ago I put it on again to look at a scene with Lureen for TOTW, and when the music started the old feelings, and the edge of tears, came rushing back unchanged. I was glad - I don't want to lose that.
Sara I totally understand when you say it's quite frightening to face up to the dependence we've developed. I suppose it's something to do with an experience that's happened to us which we weren't expecting and which to some extent we can't control. I mean, I never expected to be completely floored by a film and it's aftermath. Also I never expected to become addicted to being with others similarly affected.
I agree that most of us "ration" our viewings after a certain period of time. I watch it once or twice a year now, making sure I have an uninterrupted viewing and just letting myself become absorbed again. It's always the same feeling of going on a huge journey and watching something intensely private and moving. I wouldn't want to lose that either.
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Great posts Tony and Janie!
As for me, I come here more for the friendships I've made than for Brokeback. Yes, there are other ways for me to stay in touch with my friends, but I love being able to come here and see all my friends that I made through this movie.
Brokeback still affects me to this day, and in fact, I had a brokeback related dream last night. :D :D
Thank you Chuck. Are you going to reveal this BBM related dream? ;D
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Thank you Chuck. Are you going to reveal this BBM related dream? ;D
lmao! Nothing you'd enjoy....rather odd than erotic.
I dreamed of a "deleted scene" from the movie, but there was never a scene in the movie or book that related to it, which is why I don't get the dream.
lmao
In the dream, Bobby is in the hospital, and Lureen and Jack are discussing what is going to happen with Bobby. Lureen was dressed in "normal" clothes for her, but Jack for some reason was all in white. White cowboy hat, shrit, and jeans.....brown belt and boots.
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That makes Jack sound a bit ghostly, Chuck.
No wonder it seemed odd.
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I suppose most of us have thought about this from time to time. But then the longer we're here the stronger the bonds get don't they? I think this forum's taken on a life of its own now and like Tony said the original reason for being here has evolved into so many other valuable things, friendship being the greatest. What a miracle it all is!
Well, I feel the same way. I don't come here much to discuss the movie anymore, and don't think too often about the movie these days (although it still is fresh with meaning whenever I do see it). I come for some reasons that may seem unrelated (for instance, to discuss other books and films in the book club). But the main reason I come is to keep in touch with friends. It's so much better to see them in person, at the various gatherings or just under more informal circumstances. But when meeting in person is impossible, this forum is still a way to connect with people and stay in touch with what they are doing. The Diner is good for that purpose, because groups of people can talk openly among themselves (not just limited to one-on-one communication such as PM's or emails).
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lmao! Nothing you'd enjoy....rather odd than erotic.
I dreamed of a "deleted scene" from the movie, but there was never a scene in the movie or book that related to it, which is why I don't get the dream.
lmao
In the dream, Bobby is in the hospital, and Lureen and Jack are discussing what is going to happen with Bobby. Lureen was dressed in "normal" clothes for her, but Jack for some reason was all in white. White cowboy hat, shrit, and jeans.....brown belt and boots.
How strange! It sounds like one of those angel/Jack fanfics. Very intriguing.
Nothing you'd enjoy....rather odd than erotic.
LMAO! Now what does that say about my reputation? :D
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Well, I feel the same way. I don't come here much to discuss the movie anymore, and don't think too often about the movie these days (although it still is fresh with meaning whenever I do see it). I come for some reasons that may seem unrelated (for instance, to discuss other books and films in the book club). But the main reason I come is to keep in touch with friends. It's so much better to see them in person, at the various gatherings or just under more informal circumstances. But when meeting in person is impossible, this forum is still a way to connect with people and stay in touch with what they are doing. The Diner is good for that purpose, because groups of people can talk openly among themselves (not just limited to one-on-one communication such as PM's or emails).
Hi Debbie! That's the lovely thing about this place. We all find our part of the mountain.
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It sounds quite frightening to me, Janie, and it makes me realise how dependent I've become on the forum, and in particular to chatting in the diner. RL is satisfying, but I still have this need.
Recently I'd started to feel that the book and film no longer touch me in quite the way they used to. Someone said to me that they very rarely watch the film because they don't want to become de-sensitised, and I thought that perhaps that had to some extent happened to me. But just a few minutes ago I put it on again to look at a scene with Lureen for TOTW, and when the music started the old feelings, and the edge of tears, came rushing back unchanged. I was glad - I don't want to lose that.
I'm such a person... I haven't watched the movie for amost two years now because I'm frightened to lose my (I dont know how t say it correct) connection with it. It may sound silly but I'm waiting for the perfect night to watch it again, don't know how long it would take...
I'm also glad you didnt lost connection wit the movie :)
After i read the last pages of this topic and especially this beautiful but at the same time scary sentence (Janie : "I also have a dread that one day I might be the last one here turning off the lights....") I started thinking of some things...
Nobody can look into the future, but will there come a day that the dvd will be lying under a layer of dust at the local videotheque, waiting months and months to be viewed by someone? Is it going to be a movie that only hits our generation or is it going to be a movie that lasts forever? By reading the last few pages of this topic I get a strange feeling; the feeling the movie is evanescent, that one day the board is going to be left by all the active members and guests and that after a while an unforceen person finds the site and reads all the stuff written down years and years ago... It's scary :s
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:) Oh, no - I don't think that will happen. BBM is already acknowledged to be a classic film in every way. And a classic film is never forgotten.
Another thing to think about is what a completely groundbreaking phenomenon it was/is! (There is definitely not many you can say this about)! Everyone related to it; it's a beautiful love story. That's not forgotten. And for it to have books already written about it - this proves what a treasure for all that film is. Usually it takes several years & more for a book to be written about a great film, if at all.
And - I must say - noone is ever going to forget how the "ampas" >:D members blatantly and willingly denied Brokeback Mountain the award for Best Picture on that night in Feb. 2006. (In my own small way, I'll make SURE noone will ever forget it). I am not surprised how many times this fact is mentioned in so many articles - how it was robbed, the smear campaign that started against it about 3 wks. before the "oscars"; it was gossiped against by has beens, nuthead "journalists", etc., etc. To give best picture to something so baaad, so awful as "TRASH" >:D is something that damned "academy" will never live down. Their ultimate stupidity never fails to amaze me - never. BBM of course won countless awards for everything all over the world, but not here...unbelievable.
Well, I can only speak for myself. My DVD and CD will never be put aside. The impact of BBM on me is so great - it will always be in my mind and heart.
kathy :)
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Hello, I just joined this forum because of this topic and I really felt like I had to share my feelings on this movie. I am 19 years old. I fell in love with three girls in all my life. And finally, when I was 17, I had one girl that we both shared mutual feelings with. Although we did not go that far sexually, I still enjoyed our love-making moments and embraced her a lot. But the truth is, I met someone that exact same time, a boy my age. Long story short, I fell in love with him. It was the most nervous, scary, exciting, and most enjoying feeling I had ever experienced. I loved him way more than I loved the girl that I was talking to at the time. There was something that sparked every time we talked. We had just met, but I found that we were talking every day, it was as if we couldn't go a day without each other. Well I dug deeper in his life, found out he lost his father a year before. My dad was never around anyways...so in a way we felt for each other. I found myself talking to him more than I talked to anyone else in my life. And then one day my heart couldn't take it, so I told him that I loved him. He was taken back by it, I was so surprised. I was wrong this whole time? Is there really such thing as love? I gave up on everything. I forced myself to push my emotions aside, and I went through the hardest year of my life being away from him. Even today, when somebody mentions his name, my heart jumps. I try my best to avoid seeing pictures of him, or even hearing about him, for it would just make me sad. I got tired of being sad so I just got over it. Told myself there was no such thing as love, especially for gays. Meanwhile, I was drifting farther and farther from the girl I had talked to during the time. She loved me so much, she put up with my confusion so much. I love her in so many ways, but not sexually. I eventually lost her through the process of putting my emotions aside. Soon, I lost most of my friends because I became so bitter about life. I thought that everything I felt for the guy that I loved was all just in my head, that it was all a fantasy. that I was just a trouble teenager that lacked a father figure in his life. I was too insecure with myself. But after five years of Brokeback Mountain being out, I watched the Prince of Persia and thought "Hey, Gyllenhaal is pretty cool, I hear Brokeback was good, maybe I'll give it a shot" After watching it, I changed so much in the past week. I have never been emotionally moved by a movie ever in my life. The emotions that were portrayed...it was so real. I figured...it was not all fake emotions that i had for this guy. I still have that love inside me. Although he is somewhere else right now living his life, I STILL have that love that I have been pushing aside all these years. Maybe I am nowhere near finding a loved one, but who knows...if I have that capability to love someone the way I did, then maybe, just maybe, it will come along one day. I'm not going to anticipate that I will find my perfect soul mate. I will learn to keep myself emotionally satisfied and love myself until one day, I can give that love to someone else, be it a soul mate, or whatever. But Brokeback Mountain made me believe that anything is possible. I am a believer in love, be it love between two people, love between a mother and a child, or love for one's self. It is a great movie and really can be life-changing for those like me. Thanks.
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Welcome, Jeremy :). There is so much I could write about your lovely first post, but for now I'll just say I'm glad that the film has touched you, as it has all of us here, men and women, in so many ways - and that you've found this forum. I hope it will give you something of what you are searching for.
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Hello Jeremy! Welcome to the Dave Cullen Forum!
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Aw Jeremy....I loved your post. I'm so glad you decided to join. There IS such a thing as TRUE love, hon...ALWAYS believe in that no matter who tells you different or how sad you may feel.
Being that you're still so young,your emotions are all over the place,even as you get older, but ALWAYS stay true to yourself, and yes, love yourself. Because if you can't find love in yourself,you will be lost.
I hope you can spend more time in this Forum and read on all the stories that so many of us have posted over the years......I still can't believe it's been 5 years since this movie came out and it is STILL touching so many lives.
Welcome sweetheart,and hope to see you around
Nellie
read on: http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0
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Hi Jeremy!
Lovely to read you're my age :)
You post is just...can't describe what I want to say. Its painfull to read what has happened and you must have been though a rough time but its good to read that you feel the same way about bbm! Hope your gonna post alot.
Cheerz
Goby
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i've just watched brokeback mountain (about a month ago) because i wasn't really doing anything. i thought that i might at least watched half of it. i had no idea what the film was about ( although i knew it was about two cowboys in love and i knew one of them would die in the end). i've heard some of the negative comments about the film. what i didn't anticipated was the effect it will have on me.
i cried for days just remembering their sad story. i wasn't prepared for something like this. i couldn't focus until now. i wanted so bad to talk about my feelings and thoughts about brokeback mounatin and the way it affected me but i didn't knew anyone with whom i can share thoughts on the movie. and besides, i don't think they'd understand it.
everytime i remember what happened to the two of them, i am just moved to tears. i can't believe someone could love another person the way they loved each other. and the sad part was, they never had a chance to express that love. there was this longing in jack's eyes and that of ennis' in the last part that's stuck in my head.
bbm will forever be in my heart :'(
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Welcome to the forum oliver!
This is a good topic to read. The original "How Brokeback Affected Me" topic from 2005:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0)
If new members have questions, try "New Members Ask - Experienced Members Respond "
http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=4687.0 (http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=4687.0)
We also have a site map here:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8878.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8878.0)
You might also be interested in our book:
Selected from among the most compelling writing on The Ultimate Brokeback Forum, the stories in Beyond Brokeback: The Impact of a Film convey the remarkable power of the film Brokeback Mountain to affect the lives of all sorts of people—straight and gay, old and young, male and female—on six continents. Ranging from the amusing to the emotionally devastating, the pieces collected in Beyond Brokeback crystallize the deep, frequently life-changing reactions of its often-unsuspecting viewers.
http://www.davecullen.com/brokeback/book/ (http://www.davecullen.com/brokeback/book/)
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thank you, BayCityJohn. it's been years i guess since this forum started and i'm kinda bummed i only got a chance to watch in now and discuss my thoughts about it.
anyway thanks :)
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Welcome Oliver, and to Jeremy too. Apologies for the belated greetings, we have many of us been away meeting up with other Brokies. We do that a lot here!
Don't worry that you have only just caught up with the fillm, we are all still here for you.
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...
bbm will forever be in my heart :'(
hi oliver,
i loved reading your post, and got a little teary eyed knowing that BBM continues to stir souls like it has yours.
yup. it got you good, just like it did most all the rest of us. :) welcome to the forum. hope you enjoy yourself.
jimmy
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Hi, Oliver! Welcome!
You've come to the right place. This is a great forum full of wonderful people and we know all about how BBM makes you feel.
Looking forward to your posts!
Mark
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Oliver, what a beautiful and moving statement...
We hope you'll join our forum. It's worth it.
;)
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Oliver....Welcome ...you are surely in the right place. The emotional attachment you feel once you have seen this movie ,I am afraid never leaves you. This story slips forward in my mind each and every day. This forum helps !
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It's been years i guess since this forum started and i'm kinda bummed i only got a chance to watch in now and discuss my thoughts about it.
It doesn't matter when you found us, you are free to discuss any of the open topics. Feel free to post away!
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it is like a river effect on me..it is always flowing..once u watch BBM,the covers open..then everytime you think about it or watch it or listen to OST the river begins overflow..
sometimes i wish i did not see the movie..the movie make me something which i cant describe..i am not like bfore at all..i begin to question every step of my life.
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daliah......once you let it in.....there 's no getting away from it !
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should i feel lucky ???
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should i feel lucky ???
Yes, I think you should feel lucky. Brokeback got engraved inside my soul five years ago and even if it killed me during the first months, it gradually grew into something not only more bearable but definitely enriching. I wouldn't be what and who I am now if it weren't for Brokeback and our boys, in more ways than you can think. I know it's hard for you to see it now, but give it time. Read the posts from the lovely people of this forum and talk to them, tell them how you feel and know that we all went through the same grief you're feeling now. Yes, it's good to have that river flowing inside, make sure you don't ever let it dry.
Welcome to the forum to you too, Oliver and Jeremy. It's amazing how Brokeback still affects people this way, after all this time.
Brokeback is a force of nature.
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what a great post, i read it like a poem
I have first watched BBM 5 years ago,in these days it was very hard for me ..cause i could not share..every people around me joking about when i was trying explain my emotions..so i lived it by myself.it was the worst side..
15 days ago i watched it again,can u believe that i waited 5 years to courage myself to watch again :-X and it hits me once again,more than first time. I am proud of myself that i can understand the story and the sense behind the story..I think everyone is not capable to understand and feel.
Now i feel very lucky , knowing not being alone makes me more comfortable.Although it is very late it is great to be here,thank u!
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I have first watched BBM 5 years ago,in these days it was very hard for me ..cause i could not share..every people around me joking about when i was trying explain my emotions..so i lived it by myself.it was the worst side..
Sorry, my bad, I thought you just saw it. I'm sorry that you couldn't share your feelings when you got that first punch in the guts 5 years ago, but at least you have now found a place where comfort and understanding are granted by all of us who, as we are used to say, "got it".
;)
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please dont be sorry :)
yes u are right , late or early , most important is finding peoples like me
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Welcome to the forum Jeremy, Oliver, Daliah :) :) :)
it is like a river effect on me..it is always flowing..once u watch BBM,the covers open..then everytime you think about it or watch it or listen to OST the river begins overflow..
I like the river metaphor you've used Daliah. When the river overflows it waters the dry land around it and once in a while you will find something beautiful growing on that land. New friendships, new ventures and new love.
sometimes i wish i did not see the movie..the movie make me something which i cant describe..i am not like bfore at all..i begin to question every step of my life.
I think that questioning is the best part. That can be hard when you have noone to turn to but here you will find people who listen to you and feel as you do.
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Welcome to the forum Jeremy, Oliver, Daliah :) :) :)
I like the river metaphor you've used Daliah. When the river overflows it waters the dry land around it and once in a while you will find something beautiful growing on that land. New friendships, new ventures and new love. I think that questioning is the best part. That can be hard when you have noone to turn to but here you will find people who listen to you and feel as you do.
you are welcome :)
"....I found myself jolted into an unexpected place of understanding, empathy, identification. There was no going back from that point. The experience changed my present irreversibly, created my future as it has turned out now. "
these sentences mostly tells what i am trying to say..
i am reading the blog right now,it is clear that it is from the heart...
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Welcome to our forum Jeremy, Oliver, Daliah!
You have come to the right place, we are all profoundly affected by Brokeback, and for many of us it has truly changed our lives.
Feel free to explore the threads, and post away about your feelings. You'll find that you're among friends here.
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thank u sason,how do u feel about BBM now
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thank u sason,how do u feel about BBM now
Well, I'm over the initial state of raw emotions and bottomless sadness.
BBM, the forum and the friends I've made here are now an exceedingly important part of my everyday life,
and I hardly even remember any more what my life was like pre BBM.
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Well, I'm over the initial state of raw emotions and bottomless sadness.
BBM, the forum and the friends I've made here are now an exceedingly important part of my everyday life,
and I hardly even remember any more what my life was like pre BBM.
This is so very true, Daliah, what Sonja says. The memories of the movie and the feelings are still under the surface, and are brought to the fore when seeing the movie again, even after almost 5 years. But I, like Sonja, cannot even imagine what my life would be like without these last five years and the hundreds of people I have met in person and virtually. Without the movie, this forum and all my friends here, I would still be living like Ennis. I am so blessed and lucky I am not! I am truly living now.
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I was in a small,local bookshop today looking for kids' prizes for a colouring competition for our church fete when I came across an unabridged cd of the os BBM story with the iconic picture on the cover....tears poured down my face (from nowhere) and I put the cd back like it had burned me and fled from the shop....why FGS?! Is it just seeing their pictures that evokes such a strong response in me? It must be....
I am going back to buy that cd (never seen it before even on Amazon) on Monday :">
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The pose when I see it still makes me stop and pause. The two notes still do something to my gut.
I have accepted the fact that this will never change. I don't think I want it to.
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You are right - I don't want it to either - couldn't stand to lose that response...
I dread the day (hope it never comes) when Brokeback Mountain doesn't affect me deeply...
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"....I found myself jolted into an unexpected place of understanding, empathy, identification. There was no going back from that point. The experience changed my present irreversibly, created my future as it has turned out now. "
these sentences mostly tells what i am trying to say..
i am reading the blog right now,it is clear that it is from the heart...
Thanks Daliah! It took me all those years to be able to put that out there. Glad you found your way to it.
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This is so very true, Daliah, what Sonja says. The memories of the movie and the feelings are still under the surface, and are brought to the fore when seeing the movie again, even after almost 5 years. But I, like Sonja, cannot even imagine what my life would be like without these last five years and the hundreds of people I have met in person and virtually. Without the movie, this forum and all my friends here, I would still be living like Ennis. I am so blessed and lucky I am not! I am truly living now.
Right!
And I should add something about how grateful I am for this amazing journey I find myself on!!
The gutwrenching movie, the wonderful forum, all my fantastic, wonderful and lovely friends, the whole life altering experience.
What I feel is wonder and gratefulness.
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You are right - I don't want it to either - couldn't stand to lose that response...
I dread the day (hope it never comes) when Brokeback Mountain doesn't affect me deeply...
I have forgotten love affairs, work incidents and general life stories but Jack and Ennis, I will never forget, nor do I want to... if indeed I were able.
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I have forgotten love affairs, work incidents and general life stories but Jack and Ennis, I will never forget, nor do I want to... if indeed I were able.
(((andy)))
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Never in any way shall I forget it - and I do not want to.
kathy :-*
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A Life in 100 Films: Brokeback Mountain
---------------------------------------------
There’s very little that comes close to the wondrous, disorienting feeling we experience when emerging from a darkened movie theatre into the brutal light of a sunny day, our bodies fooled into nocturnal reflexes by the artificial darkness and, perhaps, the dream-like nature of film projection. We advance half-blind into a dangerous world rich with demands – gone is the passive anonymity of the cinema - and possibility. We adjust, feeling our way cautiously, to an environment where narrative is not pre-determined, and begin again the difficult process of writing our own life story.
Exiting a movie theatre in the morning – more so than late at night when the responsibility of debrief can be surrendered to sleep, delegated to the subconscious - is an invitation to take a cold hard look at one’s life (in light perhaps of the lives freshly depicted on screen) and remind oneself that unlike a character in a film, the screenwriter's puppet, one is largely responsible for one’s destiny.
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Whatever the myths we (and the zeitgeist) create around the game-changing films we see, It can be useful to transport oneself back to that purest of moments, when we first stepped out of the theatre squinting into the sun-bleached street, and to recall these original, unadulterated feelings, the sense perhaps in which the world was rich with possibility and – inspired by a film, why not? – we could walk out into it and write our own rules.
more...
http://www.mattriviera.net/2010/06/life-in-100-films-brokeback-mountain.html (http://www.mattriviera.net/2010/06/life-in-100-films-brokeback-mountain.html)
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So true, John.
But when I exited BBM I was crying so hard that I couldn't squint. Why couldn't I have seen another guy crying just as hard and we could have made small talk and perhaps comforted each other? Who knows what might have happened? It's a nice little scenario for a movie.
Puts me in mind of Myrna Loy's immortal line in 1936's TO MARY--WITH LOVE: "They say the movies should be more like real life. I think real life should be more like the movies."
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Thanks also, John. I picked up your similar post on FB.
Mark, I came out of my first viewing in snowstorm. When I got in my car and turned on the wipers, I still couldn't see out. I then realized it was because of my tears....
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John,
I can relate! Every time I saw it I would walk out of the theater in tears, just emotionally wrung dry. How I managed to drive home I'll never know. And four times yet!
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John,
I can relate! Every time I saw it I would out of the theater in tears, just emotionally wrung dry. How I managed to drive home I'll never know. And four times yet!
Same for me...I have no idea how I drove home after each of the four viewings in the theater...
:'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
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Thanks for the link. I nearly skipped it due to pressure of time but there is so much truth in it.
I am an emotional person and often have to sit composing myself during the credits of a movie but after seeing BBM for the first time I sat in the Foodcourt near the cinema with tears streaming down my face and that is very embarrassing for a male in his 60's. Fortunately I had read the story beforehand or i might have been a complete wreck.
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A Life in 100 Films: Brokeback Mountain
http://www.mattriviera.net/2010/06/life-in-100-films-brokeback-mountain.html (http://www.mattriviera.net/2010/06/life-in-100-films-brokeback-mountain.html)
The two posters of Jack and Lureen (which I'd never seen before) shown in this article give me a feeling of real revulsion - at the cynical distortion of everything the film represents, and at the reasons that lay behind this. And the publicity for 'A Single Man' was on similar lines even four years later.
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It just seemed appropriate and necessary that I would come here for this post.
It's post number 100,000.
:o
I'm sure that some people think I mean that shocked face sarcastically. I never expected to reach that high of a number on this forum, or any forum ever, to be honest.
I remember going to see Brokeback in December of 2005. The viewing was almost sold out, I had to sit in the very front row and slide down in the seat to watch the movie.
I left feeling completely drained and shocked. No movie had ever affected me that way.
I got home and a few short hours later, found this forum. I joined immediately.
I am so very glad that you were all here for me when I needed you, and in turn, I hope that I've been there for you as well when you needed me.
It's now almost 5 years for the anniversary of our movie, and it's been one hell of a ride, and I look forward to all the twists, turns, and new faces to meet, and the new stories to hear, and share.
Brokeback Mountain is what got us here.
Our friendships are what keep us here.
It has been a pleasure to be a member and moderator of this forum. Thank you for everything.
Much love and respect to you all.
Chuck
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi327.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fk463%2Fdcfmod%2FCopyofAIDSWalk2010034.jpg&hash=94fd010dc57c5c5f2bd86e768c1355911755cc08)
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Awwww.... Congratulations Chuck! It is a pleasure to know you! :-*
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Congrats, Chuck.
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Chuck)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Congrats, Chatty (LB) Chuckie...
It has been nice having you here all this time, one of the few old timer friendly faces that I see still sitting here, making this place the home it is...
Love coming at ya... hope one day we'll meet in person again,
Kisses,
Your Big Bro Bobert
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Chuck, you are such a geek ;D
Congratulations!!
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Congrats Chuckie!!! :-*
Love your post!
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Wonderful post, chuck. It was so enjoyable to read. And - post #100,000 - congratulations!!
kathy :)
p.s. How BBM has affected all of us - I truly believe I have never, never been so effected by a film as the wallop it had on me. How do I say it - just that "I love it". :-* Always loved, never forgotten.
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Geaux Chuck!
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It just seemed appropriate and necessary that I would come here for this post.
It's post number 100,000.
:o
I'm sure that some people think I mean that shocked face sarcastically. I never expected to reach that high of a number on this forum, or any forum ever, to be honest.
I remember going to see Brokeback in December of 2005. The viewing was almost sold out, I had to sit in the very front row and slide down in the seat to watch the movie.
I left feeling completely drained and shocked. No movie had ever affected me that way.
I got home and a few short hours later, found this forum. I joined immediately.
I am so very glad that you were all here for me when I needed you, and in turn, I hope that I've been there for you as well when you needed me.
It's now almost 5 years for the anniversary of our movie, and it's been one hell of a ride, and I look forward to all the twists, turns, and new faces to meet, and the new stories to hear, and share.
Brokeback Mountain is what got us here.
Our friendships are what keep us here.
It has been a pleasure to be a member and moderator of this forum. Thank you for everything.
Much love and respect to you all.
Chuck
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi327.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fk463%2Fdcfmod%2FCopyofAIDSWalk2010034.jpg&hash=94fd010dc57c5c5f2bd86e768c1355911755cc08)
five years. damn! and 100K. double damn! LOL. ;D
and doesn't it seem like just yesterday, almost? i guess when moments like brokeback enter your life you remember the affect it has on your soul.
yep. NO MOVIE. no other. will there ever be another one for us? i don't think so.
what are the movies that do it (did it) for others? i ask friends, they always say they don't know. then they say things about BBM: "it's just a movie, god!" and give me that, "you're a trekkie" attitude. ::)
uhhh... i think you broke the counter, cuz there's no number of posts by your avatar anymore! ;D why do i think john had a hand in that? ;)
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No that's just the way the software works. You can still Chuck's post count in the statistical reports.
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what are the movies that do it (did it) for others? i ask friends, they always say they don't know. then they say things about BBM: "it's just a movie, god!" and give me that, "you're a trekkie" attitude. ::)
I understand what you're saying Jimmy. When I was talking about this to my "offline" friends, one of them told me that she had never been affected by a movie like this. I told her that one day she'd have a movie to this to her, and her reply was "Oh, I don't think so."
I thought that was sad.
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Yes, it is sad.
kathy
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Congrats on your 100,000th (!) post, Chuck! And what a beautiful post it was!
We love you, ya big lug!!!
Hugs and :-*es from your Florida Friend,
Me!
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I understand what you're saying Jimmy. When I was talking about this to my "offline" friends, one of them told me that she had never been affected by a movie like this. I told her that one day she'd have a movie to this to her, and her reply was "Oh, I don't think so."
I thought that was sad.
That is SAD, Chuckie....to never have an open mind, to open your heart and actually put yourself THERE...it's like living in a box....life is too short man, and to think of living this way until you die and think you LIVED is so sad...
I'm SO SO glad we all have this gift to open our inner selves and FEEL!! and to DO something about, at least try...I truly am blessed!!
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Well all are, Nellie!
and one of the blessings here was being able to meet each other at various gatherings.
;D
I still remember meeting you in Texas, and dancing to Exposé's "Point of No Return" in Linda's backyard.
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Well all are, Nellie!
and one of the blessings here was being able to meet each other at various gatherings.
;D
I still remember meeting you in Texas, and dancing to Exposé's "Point of No Return" in Linda's backyard.
ahhhh....sweet memories, aren't they! Every now and then these memories creep up on me and I think....ALL OF THIS happened for a reason at a very raw time in our lives...we all were ready for something to smack us in the face and wake us up...we didn't have a clue how or why, but it happened...and here we are ...5 years later. We all held each other up and rubbed things in our faces to make us realize we are REAL and our feelings were REAL..our hearts wanted and needed to FEEL....and we all GOT IT !!...no one can take this from us.
I love you guys.... :-*
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I hear ya Nellie!
I was feeling that way when I put together the "Brokeback Gatherings - Group Shots" thread. It was just a trip down memory lane seeing all those shots, even ones that I wasn't at.
The laughter, the tears, the hugs, the bonds that were formed are still tight for me. I think of everyone that I've met along the way.
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Happy FOURTH of JULY everyone!!
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi97.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fl213%2Fmjhennig%2FBrokebackMountain28.png&hash=887f6e6b044a333b639e48d57a6e1e4177c166bf)
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I didn't 'get it'. Still don't. It got me.
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Happy FOURTH of JULY everyone!!
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi97.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fl213%2Fmjhennig%2FBrokebackMountain28.png&hash=887f6e6b044a333b639e48d57a6e1e4177c166bf)
Same to you, Nellie!
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi149.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fs64%2FdotEmatrix%2Fbeefcake%2FBeefcake%25202%2Famflag18.jpg&hash=5bdfbd15a3daa9089e2b8ee07938487890b335c1)
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I didn't 'get it'. Still don't. It got me.
Yup. "Old Brokeback got us good, didn't it?"
It sure did; and I wouldn't want it otherwise.
kathy
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Same to you, Nellie!
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi149.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fs64%2FdotEmatrix%2Fbeefcake%2FBeefcake%25202%2Famflag18.jpg&hash=5bdfbd15a3daa9089e2b8ee07938487890b335c1)
whoa! :D
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Does this picture go further down? ::)
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Congratulations on your 100K Chuck! Love all the times we have got together over the last four or so years, and looking forward to many more!!
:-* :D :-*
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Congratulations Chuck on 100K ::) ::) ::)
We must meet in person before you hit 200K ::) ::)
Thank you for everything, especially the sweet nickname LovAm which was bestowed by you and which I cherish. God Bless You!
Love & :-* :-* :-* :-*
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((((((((((((((((((((((Chuck)))))))))))))))))))
Congratulations!
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Love and respect to you also, Chuck. Life would be a much sorrier place without you to take the time...
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Same to you, Nellie!
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi149.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fs64%2FdotEmatrix%2Fbeefcake%2FBeefcake%25202%2Famflag18.jpg&hash=5bdfbd15a3daa9089e2b8ee07938487890b335c1)
OMG...I just saw this!! ha ha ha.....niiiiiiice Fritzie!! ;)
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I am so very glad that you were all here for me when I needed you, and in turn, I hope that I've been there for you as well when you needed me.
It's now almost 5 years for the anniversary of our movie, and it's been one hell of a ride, and I look forward to all the twists, turns, and new faces to meet, and the new stories to hear, and share.
Brokeback Mountain is what got us here.
Our friendships are what keep us here.
It has been a pleasure to be a member and moderator of this forum. Thank you for everything.
Much love and respect to you all.
Chuck
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi327.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fk463%2Fdcfmod%2FCopyofAIDSWalk2010034.jpg&hash=94fd010dc57c5c5f2bd86e768c1355911755cc08)
Great post, Chuck. Thank YOU for being here and for being a friend.
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I can close my eyes and see them on their horses...their faces gleaming with love with sparkle in their eyes.
Out of no where I get flash backs of the movie...it will forever haunt me but in a good way...in some ways it saddens me that I can't share it with no one at home...that's why I am here now.
Out of no where I feel a pull in my heart and only I know what it is...some days people tell me, "Is something on your mind?"......"nope" I say back and smile...
It's my little secret
I allow myself a few seconds and continue with my day....lots of times it helps me tackle what I have to do..
I allow myself to cry if I have to, think of all the people I grown to love, people I have missed,people I have lost...but in the end...I smile and close my eyes and thank God for all he's given me....life is good now
And it's all mine,no one can take it away from me
Peace y amor
Nellie
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besos Nellie! :-*
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Forum member 'Tacitus' has passed away.
Writer Robert Baxter recalled
Robert Baxter, a Courier-Post writer who provided a voice for the South Jersey arts community for almost three decades, has died.
Mr. Baxter, 69, was a critic and reporter whose work reflected a high degree of talent and expertise. But many people on Thursday remembered his passion,
describing a quiet and reserved man with a lifelong love for the fine arts, particularly opera.
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On occasion, Mr. Baxter's work could be intensely personal. In an August 2005 column inspired by the release of the film "Brokeback Mountain,"
Mr. Baxter came out in print as a gay man -- recounting the pain of keeping the secret from his family, even after a severe beating in a gay-bashing incident.
"I locked away a lifetime of hate and persecution in an emotional tinderbox," he wrote at the time. "It ignited when I saw "Brokeback Mountain.' "
Three of his works also appeared in "Beyond Brokeback: The Impact of a Film," a 2007 collection of personal stories culled from tens of thousands of contributions.
http://www.courierpostonline.com/article/20100827/NEWS01/8270334/Writer-Robert-Baxter-recalled (http://www.courierpostonline.com/article/20100827/NEWS01/8270334/Writer-Robert-Baxter-recalled)
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One of Robert's articles has been re-published today on the Courier-Times online edition.
This story is also published in our book "Beyond Brokeback: The Impact of a Film" as "The Brokeback Miracle"
Real-life cowboys offered hope to young man growing up gay in America
I know all about the homophobia that existed in 1963, the year Jack and Ennis met on Brokeback Mountain. I came out that same summer -- not in rural Wyoming but at a liberal California university.
Like Ennis, I kept telling myself, "I ain't no queer." Finally, after years of tortured denial, I embraced what I am. Gay.
It was rough then. There were no support groups and no resources available to provide a helping hand as we struggled to accept our sexuality and overcome the self-loathing society heaped on us.
Five of my close friends at Stanford, I later discovered, also were gay. But that was a subject we couldn't raise with each other until years later. We were too uptight and, I guess, ashamed. So we led our secret lives.
Three visual metaphors from Brokeback Mountain echo in the memories of every gay man who came out when Ennis and Jack were struggling to accept their love -- the closet, the bloodied shirts and the tire iron.
Most gay men then were wedged in a closet so tight and airless we could barely breathe. We all had our bloodied shirts -- the secrets, the pain and hurt we experienced. And we all feared the tire iron that could strike suddenly and violently.
Full article is here:
http://www.courierpostonline.com/article/20100827/NEWS01/8270344/Real-life-cowboys-offered-hope-to-young-man-growing-up-gay-in-America (http://www.courierpostonline.com/article/20100827/NEWS01/8270344/Real-life-cowboys-offered-hope-to-young-man-growing-up-gay-in-America)
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thanks for posting those links, john.
it was nice to read his story again.
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Thank you John for the stories :-*
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Edge Philadelphia has published "Meet A Real Life ’Brokeback Mountain’ Couple" about Robert.
http://www.edgephiladelphia.com/index.php?ch=news&sc=&sc2=&sc3=&id=109641 (http://www.edgephiladelphia.com/index.php?ch=news&sc=&sc2=&sc3=&id=109641)
It appears that they found the Courier-Post article without realizing that it was republished in honor of Robert. They mention nothing about his death.
So I clued them in, evidently twice:
This article was originally published in 2006. The Courier-Post reprinted it today in honor of the author, Robert Baxter, who passed away Wednesday after a 2 year battle with pancreatic cancer. Robert’s story is also published in the book "Beyond Brokeback: The Impact of a Film" as "The Brokeback Miracle. Robert was a member of the Ultimate Brokeback Forum, posting under the name ’Tacitus’. Although he hadn’t posted much in the last 2 years he is warmly remembered and will be missed.
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Written on august 24th/2010.
Inspired by the film
"Brokeback mountain"
A beautiful film that
touched me.
Who you are
Sunday, 29. August 2010, 16:24:19
Looking up under a solemn sky
Finding ways of passing time
There it is we find...
All this we will deny
One shot is all we have
Another place another time
For this we know is wrong
Spoken out of passing
I want to share all i am
Lkie i always knew you
This is so unnatural
As we were told...
more...
http://my.opera.com/scottydog13/blog/2010/08/29/who-you-are (http://my.opera.com/scottydog13/blog/2010/08/29/who-you-are)
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My Favorite Gay/Bi Movie Moment Contest
If you'd like to enter, write up a short essay (keep it under 500 words, please!) about what scene or moment involving gay or bi men in a movie meant the most to you. Was it when Jack and Ennis kissed in Brokeback Mountain? When the two boys danced together in Beautiful Thing? A moment from The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whatever your reason for your favorite moment, submit your entry to afterelton@gmail.com by September 19th at midnight, and I'll pick a winner and maybe a couple of runner ups to publish in next BEST.GAY.WEEK.EVER! Your moment can come from an expicitly gay movie or a traditional movie that had something gay. The movie can be of any nationality and TV movies are also eligible (but no "adult movies" please). And it can be something happy, sad, or anything else.
http://www.afterelton.com/bgwe/09-10-10?page=0,8 (http://www.afterelton.com/bgwe/09-10-10?page=0,8)
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John -
Thanks for providing the link to this article - (and all of the other contributions you make). Fascinating stuff. Sure wish we could learn more about Manuel and Bud.
Jay63
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John -
Thanks for providing the link to this article - (and all of the other contributions you make).
Yes, thanks John for all the links and info you continue to find for us. I appreciate all the hard work!
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Yes, thanks John for all the links and info you continue to find for us. I appreciate all the hard work!
Me too!
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Three years today and I am still not sure what hit me. Or where it will take me from here.
I have no big or important statements. There is so much to be thankful for. I am thinking about it all today and very much about the true friends I met here. Good friendships in the light and spirit of Brokeback Mountain.
LOVE and RESPECT!
Today I am sending up a prayer of thanks.
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi215.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fcc19%2FJanssonmamma%2Fheath%2FBBM%2520post%2520mountain%2FBM_0917.jpg&hash=17b0631c5befa653c97d7741efd7123e94c42a75)
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Happy anniversary, Mia!
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Happy Anniversary ((((((((((((((((Mia)))))))))))))))))))) !
I, too, send up a prayer of thanks, every day for all that our movie has brought us and for the friends that have come into my life because of it.
In the spirit of Brokeback Mountain.
Much much Love!
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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Happy anniversary, Mia!
Thank you, Chuck. :-*
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Happy Anniversary ((((((((((((((((Mia)))))))))))))))))))) !
I, too, send up a prayer of thanks, every day for all that our movie has brought us and for the friends that have come into my life because of it.
In the spirit of Brokeback Mountain.
Much much Love!
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Thank you dearest (((((((((((((Sue)))))))))))))) !!
For being here and for being you!
Love back to you, lots of love.
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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Much love and good wishes on your anniversary, dearest (((Mia)))).
VERY glad you are here :-*.
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Much love and good wishes on your anniversary, dearest (((Mia)))).
VERY glad you are here :-*.
Thank you sweet Sara
Ditto! Very thankful to have found (((((((you)))))) :-*
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Happy Anniversary Mia
:-* :-* :-*
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Thank you so much dearest ((((((((Andy))))))
And thank you for being here! :)
:-* :-* :-*
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Everyday, my mind goes to "BBM". It has taken me , physically and mentally to places I never thought I would reach. Mia...you are lucky to be able to remember your first time for seeing this life changing movie. Congratulations on this special anniversary and don't ever come off the mountain. :-* :-*
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Ah, what a sweet post ((((Suely)))) !!
Thank you! :-*
That's just the way it is. Not a day has gone by these three years without Brokeback Mountain somehow and at some point being with me.
Here's to what you say. It goes for you too - never ever coming off the mountain. Your company is much appreciated. :-* :-*
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Happy Anniversary Mia!
Damn, three years!
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Happy annivoisary, Mia dawlin hawt!
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Three years today and I am still not sure what hit me. Or where it will take me from here.
I have no big or important statements. There is so much to be thankful for. I am thinking about it all today and very much about the true friends I met here. Good friendships in the light and spirit of Brokeback Mountain.
LOVE and RESPECT!
Today I am sending up a prayer of thanks.
Happy Brokeback Anniversary, Mia. Three years!
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Thank you Sonja, Fritz and Debbie! :-* :-* :-*
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Three years today and I am still not sure what hit me. Or where it will take me from here.
I have no big or important statements. There is so much to be thankful for. I am thinking about it all today and very much about the true friends I met here. Good friendships in the light and spirit of Brokeback Mountain.
LOVE and RESPECT!
Today I am sending up a prayer of thanks.
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi215.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fcc19%2FJanssonmamma%2Fheath%2FBBM%2520post%2520mountain%2FBM_0917.jpg&hash=17b0631c5befa653c97d7741efd7123e94c42a75)
Dear (((((((((((((((((Mia :-*))))))))))))))))))
What a wonderful post and oh that happy smile pic! Happy anniversary of three years!!
I am sending up a prayer of thanks for BBM too.
kathy :-*
p.s. I'll never know what hit me either. It certainly doesn't go away, but I don't want it to .
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Thank you so must dearest ((((((Kathy)))))) !!!!!
And thank you for being here.
:-* :-* :-*
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Dearest (((((((((((((((((((Mia))))))))))))))))):
:-* :-* :-*
kathy
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Thank you dearest (((((((((((((Sue)))))))))))))) !!
For being here and for being you!
Love back to you, lots of love.
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
You're welcome (((((((((((((((Mia))))))))))))))))) !!
Thank you too, for being here and for being you, and for all you give here to make the forum the special place that it is.
More love back to you...
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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Dear (((Mia))),
As you said: "LOVE AND RESPECT"
SO TRUE!!!
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Well, I don't know where to begin..I found that forum just five days ago and although I wanted to join from the first moment, I just felt so numb because no other film has had this effect on me.. Iam female, straight,35 years old,doctor and i haven't watched the film till recently, as a matter of fact till six days ago. This is an old habit,watching"hit" films and reading"hit" books long after their heyday, long enough to "sterilize" my emotions and thoughts from the conversation they caused..And then the brokeback effect hit me real bad. Bam!
What a wise movie. Every word, every picture, every silence, every sound,all placed in an almost divine order.Then I looked for the short story and the impact got bigger, then came the soundtrack, this forum...I feel like being struck by a comet.
This film is a great gift and a lesson for me because I have lived in fear and anxiety for a long time.I don't want to deprive the gay community of the right to claim this film as a landmark for them but it felt more universal to me.
I have been battling with panic disorder the last 3 years with some days good, some bad. Although i am scared all the time i don't give up. But i have missed things, relationships and experiences due to this fear. Brokeback mountain showed me right in front of how fears eat up everything inside and around us. Now I trully understand in my heart two phrases that my therapist used to say: "The most difficult thing is to be yourself, your real self" and " If we could only understand how many times we could have died during the time we lose upon fear of living"
Brokeback done me good.....
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Welcome CiN, :)
It's great that you have found us and now you're here, you'll find much to interest you. Look around, drop into a few threads and see how many of us are of a like mind.
All the best to you,
Andy in England.
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Thank you so much for this post and welcome to the forum, Change!
I too suffer from agoraphobia and panic attacks and am doing my best to get well. I feel for you. BBM made a huge difference in my life, too. I know how you must be feeling.
Keep those posts coming in! Glad to have you here!
Ennis Del Mark
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Hello Change! I'm glad you found us, and posted your feelings. I hope you continue!
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Welcome to the Froum, ChangeINeed !
You might have missed all the talk back in them earlier days, but the good news is we saved it for you.
This is a good topic to read. The original "How Brokeback Affected Me" topic from 2005:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0)
If new members have questions, try "New Members Ask - Experienced Members Respond "
http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=4687.0 (http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=4687.0)
We also have a site map here:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8878.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8878.0)
You might also be interested in our book:
Selected from among the most compelling writing on The Ultimate Brokeback Forum, the stories in Beyond Brokeback: The Impact of a Film convey the remarkable power of the film Brokeback Mountain to affect the lives of all sorts of people—straight and gay, old and young, male and female—on six continents. Ranging from the amusing to the emotionally devastating, the pieces collected in Beyond Brokeback crystallize the deep, frequently life-changing reactions of its often-unsuspecting viewers.
http://www.davecullen.com/brokeback/book/ (http://www.davecullen.com/brokeback/book/)
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Welcome to the forum, Change!
You're among friends here, we all understand how you feel, because all of us have been in that place.
Please explore the threads, and please post away, as much as you feel like.
That's the only way to deal with all the raw emotions after being hit by BBM.
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Welcome to the forum Change. Please stick around and be part of this "thing" that has gotten hold of us all here.
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Dear (((Mia))),
As you said: "LOVE AND RESPECT"
SO TRUE!!!
Right back to you (((John)))
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A very warm welcome from me too ChangeINeed.
And thank you for posting.
Hope to meet you again around the forum.
((((((hugs)))))) to you!
Mia from Sweden
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I want to thank all of you for the warm welcome.. It's important to me. :)
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You're very welcome, we're glad you found us!
Feel free to post in the open threads on the forum. BayCityJohn posted some very useful links for you on the prior page, and when you feel comfortable, I hope you look into them.
;)
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I have already done it! You guys have done very good job in this forum. I am truly amazed!
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Feel free to join in the discussion anywhere, Change. Or just read posts, that's ok too.
But we really want to hear from you, so we're looking forward to you posts!
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Happy Anniversary, Sweet Mia! Skoal!
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I have already done it! You guys have done very good job in this forum. I am truly amazed!
Welcome, CIN - look forward to seeing more of you :).
Sara from England
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Welcome to the forum (((Change)))!
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Well, I don't know where to begin..I found that forum just five days ago and although I wanted to join from the first moment, I just felt so numb because no other film has had this effect on me.. Iam female, straight,35 years old,doctor and i haven't watched the film till recently, as a matter of fact till six days ago. This is an old habit,watching"hit" films and reading"hit" books long after their heyday, long enough to "sterilize" my emotions and thoughts from the conversation they caused..And then the brokeback effect hit me real bad. Bam!
What a wise movie. Every word, every picture, every silence, every sound,all placed in an almost divine order.Then I looked for the short story and the impact got bigger, then came the soundtrack, this forum...I feel like being struck by a comet.
This film is a great gift and a lesson for me because I have lived in fear and anxiety for a long time.I don't want to deprive the gay community of the right to claim this film as a landmark for them but it felt more universal to me.
I have been battling with panic disorder the last 3 years with some days good, some bad. Although i am scared all the time i don't give up. But i have missed things, relationships and experiences due to this fear. Brokeback mountain showed me right in front of how fears eat up everything inside and around us. Now I trully understand in my heart two phrases that my therapist used to say: "The most difficult thing is to be yourself, your real self" and " If we could only understand how many times we could have died during the time we lose upon fear of living"
Brokeback done me good.....
The closest song that had the same intellectual effect on me as Brokeback was a Bette Midler song, 'The Rose' - "It's the heart afraid of dying that never learns to live."
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The closest song that had the same intellectual effect on me as Brokeback was a Bette Midler song, 'The Rose' - "It's the heart afraid of dying that never learns to live."
Oh dear. we are doing it again fofol. I found the Martyn Wyndham Reid version, same song though!
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Well, I don't know where to begin..I found that forum just five days ago and although I wanted to join from the first moment, I just felt so numb because no other film has had this effect on me.. Iam female, straight,35 years old,doctor and i haven't watched the film till recently, as a matter of fact till six days ago. This is an old habit,watching"hit" films and reading"hit" books long after their heyday, long enough to "sterilize" my emotions and thoughts from the conversation they caused..And then the brokeback effect hit me real bad. Bam!
What a wise movie. Every word, every picture, every silence, every sound,all placed in an almost divine order.Then I looked for the short story and the impact got bigger, then came the soundtrack, this forum...I feel like being struck by a comet.
This film is a great gift and a lesson for me because I have lived in fear and anxiety for a long time.I don't want to deprive the gay community of the right to claim this film as a landmark for them but it felt more universal to me.
I have been battling with panic disorder the last 3 years with some days good, some bad. Although i am scared all the time i don't give up. But i have missed things, relationships and experiences due to this fear. Brokeback mountain showed me right in front of how fears eat up everything inside and around us. Now I trully understand in my heart two phrases that my therapist used to say: "The most difficult thing is to be yourself, your real self" and " If we could only understand how many times we could have died during the time we lose upon fear of living"
Brokeback done me good.....
Hi there,
let me add to the welcomes here...so glad you found us...you will never be the same now. It is an eye opener,isn't it....well, you have all the threads here to help you in your journey,please don't be afraid to ask and look around. We're here for you
Nellie
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As most of you know "I am not a newbie !" ;D but what I would like to know is ,if anyone feels the same as me? When ever I am walking around a store , that sells DVD's etc......and I see a copy of BBM....I have to stop, take a deep breath, , pick it up ,look at it and run my fingers over it...even after all this time . And if there is anyone standing close at hand ....I have to stop myself from saying to them "Do you know how amazing this film is ?This is another way Brokeback has affected me
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As most of you know "I am not a newbie !" ;D but what I would like to know is ,if anyone feels the same as me? When ever I am walking around a store , that sells DVD's etc......and I see a copy of BBM....I have to stop, take a deep breath, , pick it up ,look at it and run my fingers over it...even after all this time . And if there is anyone standing close at hand ....I have to stop myself from saying to them "Do you know how amazing this film is ?This is another way Brokeback has affected me
I know what you mean, Suely.
I feel this strong connection with Brokeback Mountain in so many ways, sometimes it is enough to hear people mention the film... Like I said somewhere - at first it was like having a secret lover or something. I can still feel that.
Someone borrowed my DVD some days ago. It was so special to hand it over. And the way I touch it.....
It goes so deep.
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Happy Anniversary, Sweet Mia! Skoal!
Skål, dear ((((((Marc))))))
And thank you.
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I know what you mean, Suely.
I feel this strong connection with Brokeback Mountain in so many ways, sometimes it is enough to hear people mention the film... Like I said somewhere - at first it was like having a secret lover or something. I can still feel that.
Someone borrowed my DVD some days ago. It was so special to hand it over. And the way I touch it.....
It goes so deep.
I want everybody to know about it....but I feel like no one has a right to see or speak of it...it's mine and mine alone...no intruders.
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As most of you know "I am not a newbie !" ;D but what I would like to know is ,if anyone feels the same as me? When ever I am walking around a store , that sells DVD's etc......and I see a copy of BBM....I have to stop, take a deep breath, , pick it up ,look at it and run my fingers over it...even after all this time . And if there is anyone standing close at hand ....I have to stop myself from saying to them "Do you know how amazing this film is ?This is another way Brokeback has affected me
I was at the Different Light Bookstore on Castro St. in San Francisco this Sunday.
They have a wonderful Brokeback Mountain poster that I've never seen anywhere else. It's been hanging in the store for years now.
Lyle from Vancouver was visiting this weekend.
Whenever a visitor comes to town I have to take them to the store to show them the poster.
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As most of you know "I am not a newbie !" ;D but what I would like to know is ,if anyone feels the same as me? When ever I am walking around a store , that sells DVD's etc......and I see a copy of BBM....I have to stop, take a deep breath, , pick it up ,look at it and run my fingers over it...even after all this time . And if there is anyone standing close at hand ....I have to stop myself from saying to them "Do you know how amazing this film is ?This is another way Brokeback has affected me
In any DVD store, I go to the "drama" section, and make a beeline to the 'B' section, and move any copies of Brokeback to the front of the display case.
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In any DVD store, I go to the "drama" section, and make a beeline to the 'B' section, and move any copies of Brokeback to the front of the display case.
Are we all crazy or deeply disturbed....... ...or what ?? :-\ ;)
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I vote "or what" ;D
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In any DVD store, I go to the "drama" section, and make a beeline to the 'B' section, and move any copies of Brokeback to the front of the display case.
I do that too sometimes, but please don't tell anyone
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sometimes, at libraries, or bookstores, i'll find brokeback mountain by annie proulx and put it on the shelf so the cover faces out.
i'll do it to close range too.
i am sure the librarians are not amused. :D
john, have you posted a pic of that different bbm poster? is it the one where jack is riding on ennis's shoulders and they're trying to knock the donkey pinata down? ;) :D
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As most of you know "I am not a newbie !" ;D but what I would like to know is ,if anyone feels the same as me? When ever I am walking around a store , that sells DVD's etc......and I see a copy of BBM....I have to stop, take a deep breath, , pick it up ,look at it and run my fingers over it...even after all this time . And if there is anyone standing close at hand ....I have to stop myself from saying to them "Do you know how amazing this film is ?This is another way Brokeback has affected me
Sadly, I never see it among other DVDs in stores any more... >:(
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I was at the Different Light Bookstore on Castro St. in San Francisco this Sunday.
They have a wonderful Brokeback Mountain poster that I've never seen anywhere else. It's been hanging in the store for years now.
Lyle from Vancouver was visiting this weekend.
Whenever a visitor comes to town I have to take them to the store to show them the poster.
Do you have a photo of it, John?
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Are we all crazy or deeply disturbed....... ...or what ?? :-\ ;)
No, we're just normal Brokies. 8) :D
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Do you have a photo of it, John?
No, but I will try to get one soon
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john, have you posted a pic of that different bbm poster? is it the one where jack is riding on ennis's shoulders and they're trying to knock the donkey pinata down? ;) :D
No.
It's basically the same as the Titanic-inspired poster, but it appears to have been designed for book stores. There are no credits from the film, and A.P. is the only name on the poster.
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Sadly, I never see it among other DVDs in stores any more... >:(
Still very much available here. :)
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In any DVD store, I go to the "drama" section, and make a beeline to the 'B' section, and move any copies of Brokeback to the front of the display case.
I do the same thing! And the Collector's Edition - well, boy do I put it to the front too!
kathy
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In any DVD store, I go to the "drama" section, and make a beeline to the 'B' section, and move any copies of Brokeback to the front of the display case.
I'm the same way,,,,bwahahahha ;D ;D :D :D..Lord help us, we'll never be the same again...and I'M GLAD!!!!
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Geaux Nellie!
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As most of you know "I am not a newbie !" ;D but what I would like to know is ,if anyone feels the same as me? When ever I am walking around a store , that sells DVD's etc......and I see a copy of BBM....I have to stop, take a deep breath, , pick it up ,look at it and run my fingers over it...even after all this time . And if there is anyone standing close at hand ....I have to stop myself from saying to them "Do you know how amazing this film is ?This is another way Brokeback has affected me
Just to up date you of my "strange obsession"......I keep all of Heaths and Jakes films ,in my own collection, on a separate shelf ....together. Woe betide anyone who touches or mixes them up with other DVD's. !! Could this be considered OCD ? !! :-\
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Oh, sweetie.................................................. YES! ;D ;D
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So......................what you're saying is ....I need treatment ? !!!!!!!!!!! :D
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Naw, just come to Dr. Dave's forum! We all suffer from the same affliction. And it's wonderful....
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Naw, just come to Dr. Dave's forum! We all suffer from the same affliction. And it's wonderful....
I don't think I'd want a cure...even if they found one.
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**I wouldn't want one either.**
kathy
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No, but I will try to get one soon
That would be very nice, if you could.
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Still very much available here. :)
That's great!
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I don't think I'd want a cure...even if they found one.
There's nothing to cure. We are who we are.
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I am delighted to know that other fans do that. Ever since I first saw the film ( By chance, today is my 4th anniversary, how can I ever forget 3rd November 2006 ?) I also place the DVD in front of any others. I also do it with the book Close Range, and with the CD of the soundtrack. Helping promote the masterpiece in my own way.
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( By chance, today is my 4th anniversary, how can I ever forget 3rd November 2006 ?)
Happy anniversary!
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I see that I have been a member since july '07 but I came on the forum in the spring of that year. Didn't realize that there was a whole other section if I became a member. Discovered slash and then....... >:D ;D :D
I have given up trying to explain Brokeback to anyone. If they don't have that feeling when they first view it, they never will and
no amount of explaining makes it any clearer to them. I just tried to tell my good friend about this forum and she said "Oh, a cult then". :o
I'm glad that I'm here and I know that you all understand the unexplainable. ;) I take comfort in that! 8)
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I see that I have been a member since july '07 but I came on the forum in the spring of that year. Didn't realize that there was a whole other section if I became a member. Discovered slash and then....... >:D ;D :D
I have given up trying to explain Brokeback to anyone. If they don't have that feeling when they first view it, they never will and
no amount of explaining makes it any clearer to them. I just tried to tell my good friend about this forum and she said "Oh, a cult then". :o
I'm glad that I'm here and I know that you all understand the unexplainable. ;) I take comfort in that! 8)
Nicely put BG. Explaining the upcoming 5th anniversary bash in LA to a friend yesterday brought forth laughter like it was the strangest thing to be happening. As you say, if they don't get the first wave, then there's no point trying to get them on the brokie surfboard. ;D
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Nicely put BG. Explaining the upcoming 5th anniversary bash in LA to a friend yesterday brought forth laughter like it was the strangest thing to be happening. As you say, if they don't get the first wave, then there's no point trying to get them on the brokie surfboard. ;D
Seems like what is perfectly normal to all of us is strange and cult like to others. I quit trying to explain it to people. I have one co-worker who thinks this is all great and another who does not understand. I know what all this means to me and what positive changes have come about as a result of the movie and this forum, so in the end this is all that matters!!
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**Right; that is all that matters. Each one of us loves BBM for our own reasons. It has effected me so enormously and the feeling will never leave.
I gave up trying to explain to a few people about how and why I love it so much and everything about it. They will never understand; and I don't give a damn what they say or think anymore. It is definitely their loss.**
kathy :)
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I saw a student on Monday who was writing an assignment on the changes in family structures between 1945 and the present day. One new form of family listed on her briefing document was Civil Partnerships. She said that they happened but had a stigma, I told her that they didn't with me, and that I belonged to "an online forum that campaigned for gay rights," I certainly didn't intend telling her about the whole Brokeback thing.
She said, "You're a funny woman, but I like you!"
I still don't know which way to take that.
One has to be very careful who one tries to explain the whole film / forum thing to.
Most of my friends know about my Brokeback life, what they make of it I don't know.
I know I'm proud of it.
If anyone doesn't understand............tough.
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I saw a student on Monday who was writing an assignment on the changes in family structures between 1945 and the present day. One new form of family listed on her briefing document was Civil Partnerships. She said that they happened but had a stigma, I told her that they didn't with me, and that I belonged to "an online forum that campaigned for gay rights," I certainly didn't intend telling her about the whole Brokeback thing.
She said, "You're a funny woman, but I like you!"
I still don't know which way to take that.
One has to be very careful who one tries to explain the whole film / forum thing to.
Most of my friends know about my Brokeback life, what they make of it I don't know.
I know I'm proud of it.
If anyone doesn't understand............tough.
I have real problems with people who dismiss this film. I have watched it with my husband and other members of my family and I have asked " Do you see it ? "......"Do you REALLY see it for what it is ?" Can't you grasp it...the meaning ?" I just get blank looks. I wish I could have the same attitude as you Janjo...but I so want them and others to "get it".
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I saw a student on Monday who was writing an assignment on the changes in family structures between 1945 and the present day. One new form of family listed on her briefing document was Civil Partnerships. She said that they happened but had a stigma, I told her that they didn't with me, and that I belonged to "an online forum that campaigned for gay rights," I certainly didn't intend telling her about the whole Brokeback thing.
She said, "You're a funny woman, but I like you!"
I still don't know which way to take that.
One has to be very careful who one tries to explain the whole film / forum thing to.
Most of my friends know about my Brokeback life, what they make of it I don't know.
I know I'm proud of it.
If anyone doesn't understand............tough.
I'm still laughing at this, Jess! ;D
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But I think there's a big difference between having a sincere appreciation of the film and getting the "forum thing". Several of my friends and family have had the former - it's the latter that's so inexplicable. And as I've said before, it didn't all hit me on the first viewing, but boy! did it get me the next time round.
It would be interesting to list the range of symptoms that we all have/had. I know we're all different, but there must be a big overlap. A TOTW perhaps? :))
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But I think there's a big difference between having a sincere appreciation of the film and getting the "forum thing". Several of my friends and family have had the former - it's the latter that's so inexplicable. And as I've said before, it didn't all hit me on the first viewing, but boy! did it get me the next time round.
It would be interesting to list the range of symptoms that we all have/had. I know we're all different, but there must be a big overlap. A TOTW perhaps? :))
I know what you mean by the "forum thing". Just my husband knows the depth of my involvement with the forum....and true to form he doesn't "get it". I think he thinks of me as a child and that I will soon "grow out of it". Don't think he realises I need this outlet to keep myself sane !
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I find it incredible that people can watch BBM, and see it as only a film. For me, it was much more than that, even on the first viewing on DVD. ( I never saw it on the big screen) A few people I have tried to talk to about my enthusiasm, have the kind of attitude of "Get over it, it's only a movie." Unthinkable to me, as that would pile BBM in with all the hundreds of movies I have watched that were enjoyable (or not) but that had no lasting value, or power. BBM is like a piece of gold in a sea of dross. As for the forum, it is a special place to me, and I hope that it will continue well into the future.
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I couldn't possibly agree with you more, Chuck.
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From bentgyro, 11.10.10: I'm glad that I'm here and I know that you all understand the unexplainable.
Nicely and accurately put, BG - this is what we all get that the poor unwashed don't: Brokeback Mountain is the ultimate lesson in what is truly valuable on this planet - each other. We are, most of us, the best of us - we know who we are - truly aware of a higher purpose of life, that all the toys in the world only have value in direct proportion to the amount of facetime they help us share. This is why Brokies love to meet, greet, and read each others' thoughts - that's thoughts on the screen: the psychics among us are too modest to actually read our unexpressed thoughts, although some who aren't psychics sometimes think they can... :-*
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I have real problems with people who dismiss this film. I have watched it with my husband and other members of my family and I have asked " Do you see it ? "......"Do you REALLY see it for what it is ?" Can't you grasp it...the meaning ?" I just get blank looks. I wish I could have the same attitude as you Janjo...but I so want them and others to "get it".
Suely, I don't "get it" either. It got me. Wholeheartedly and totally, but I still don't know what "it" is...
I truly don't think you can make others "get it". Either they're affected by it the way we are, or they are not.
I've heard a lot of people say that "it was a very beautiful film, I loved it", or even "I saw it more than once, it was so sad", or something to that effect. But they weren't hit by it the way we all were.
The only non-brokie I've ever seen it with was a very good friend of mine. We share a lot of experiences in our lives, and she's a very wise and sensitive woman. We saw it, and she said, "I'm sorry, but I don't see it the way you do". I have to admit I was a bit disappointed by that.
But she's one of the few people who knows about my brokie life, and she's real happy for me.
I gave up long ago to even begin to try and explain to people. They have never heard of such a thing, and they don't understand it. So I never talk about it, except with a few friends who know.
-
I know what you mean by the "forum thing". Just my husband knows the depth of my involvement with the forum....and true to form he doesn't "get it". I think he thinks of me as a child and that I will soon "grow out of it". Don't think he realises I need this outlet to keep myself sane !
Ain't that the truth!!!
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We're all preaching to the choir, here - but don't stop!!
:D :-* ;D :-*
-
Hallelujah!
-
I know a lot of lurkers read this topic. It's not just the choir :)
-
We're all preaching to the choir, here - but don't stop!!
:D :-* ;D :-*
Well, I do sing in a choir, so it's very appropriate!
;D ;) :-*
-
I know a lot of lurkers read this topic. It's not just the choir :)
Very true, John.
-
Hi, first post here so, uh, yeah hi :)
Wow, okay. I just saw Brokeback for the first time last week, and I HAVE NOT stopped thinking about it... Brokeback got me good :'( ;D
I SOBBED. And then I watched it the night after. And I sobbed again. It just struck a chord in my heart and I've been thinking about Jack and Ennis and their lives and their kids non-stop, and just wow... It blew my mind.
I'm watching it again in about 10 minutes, and I'm just all excited for it all over again... It's so weird, no movie has ever affected me like this since Dead Poets Society, and I'm just loving it so much. The movie was so, so well done, I feel like I know the characters, as stupid as that sounds.. And wow, I just think that I will cry every time I watch Brokeback Mountain. Maybe I'm just a masochist x]
So... I tried talking to a few of my friends about it and the ones who had seen it didn't care as much, and the ones who hadn't seen it tried to tell me it was about the two gay cowboys. Guh. So here I am haha :)
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Welcome a.singlenote! You've come to the right place!
-
Welcome to the Forum, a.singlenote !
This is a good topic to read. The original "How Brokeback Affected Me" topic from 2005:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0)
If new members have questions, try "New Members Ask - Experienced Members Respond "
http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=4687.0 (http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=4687.0)
We also have a site map here:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8878.0 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8878.0)
You might also be interested in our book:
Selected from among the most compelling writing on The Ultimate Brokeback Forum, the stories in Beyond Brokeback: The Impact of a Film convey the remarkable power of the film Brokeback Mountain to affect the lives of all sorts of people—straight and gay, old and young, male and female—on six continents. Ranging from the amusing to the emotionally devastating, the pieces collected in Beyond Brokeback crystallize the deep, frequently life-changing reactions of its often-unsuspecting viewers.
http://www.davecullen.com/brokeback/book/ (http://www.davecullen.com/brokeback/book/)
-
So... I tried talking to a few of my friends about it and the ones who had seen it didn't care as much, and the ones who hadn't seen it tried to tell me it was about the two gay cowboys. Guh. So here I am haha :)
Welcome to the forum, asn! Please make use of the links John posted....you'll learn a lot from them!
Hope to see more posts from you soon!
-
Welcome to the forum a.singlenote!
Feel free to look around, and take part in any discussion!
-
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi588.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fss323%2FEuler5853%2FThanksgiving%2Fthanksg2.gif&hash=f9b3c31921fe10f94824807a9d8d57ed935a256e)
Happy Thanksgiving!
Today I am thankful for "our" movie.
I'm thankful for the forum and the
opportunities it's given to me.
I'm thankful for the friendships that
have formed here.
I'm thankful for the members I've met,
and those that I haven't, who keep
this forum busy, and spend their time
here with each other!
May the upcoming holiday season give
you all happiness!
Chuck
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi327.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fk463%2Fdcfmod%2FCopyofAIDSWalk2010081.jpg&hash=e66dd7f6968845e60924314c93db6294d7fd1d7e)
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Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. I just read 'Beyond Brokeback' and now I'm reading it again. I saw the movie only about... Three weeks ago. And since then, well, it won't leave. Do I want it to? Well... No.
I just turned 18 and I'm still in High School. My best friend of about seven years kept mentioning Brokeback off and on. So I bought it with some Christmas money (I'm always for movies and books and such about the gay culture/people. My friend thinks I need to leave the closet.) I watched the movie. And bawled. And bawled some more. I have never once cried while watching a movie or reading a book (except when I was little and watched 'Black Beauty'). Brokeback hit hard, I really couldn't think straight all that night (or next week after that...). But I'm good at hiding my feelings so I've hidden how bad Brokeback Fever has gotten me. I've also hidden it because I'm a little scared.
I've always thought I was 'bi' (even with my aunt's horrible attempts and scorn, saying "It's just a phase.") and now I think it's more then that. Brokeback has made me realize that. I want my girl Jack. (I secretly refer to 'her' as 'Jackie'.)
I live in Las Vegas in a better part of the town so I'm not very afraid of 'emerging from the darkest depths of the proverbial closet to discover I really do crap out rainbows' (I love my best friend) and getting horribly beat up for it. But there is some bullying at my school and I'm not the tallest, scariest senior out of our 3,000 kids. I'm mostly scared about what my friends will think. I know some of them really wouldn't care but I don't have a lot of them and don't dare to lose the few I have.
So I don't have my 'Jackie' or my 'Ennis'. (Any way to make that name remotely girl-ish?) I just have a wonderful movie and short story and the paintings/drawings I do for it.
I fear I am rambling... I'll stop. I just wanted to say that Brokeback hit me hard, it just took me a few paragraphs to say that.
-
Welcome to the Forum, Passthepickles!
-
Welcome passthepickles! I think you'll find this is a friendly place to hang out with similar-minded folks.
Make yourself at home!
We have many threads that you may want to check out.
No rush! And if you have questions, please feel free to contact one of the mods.
-
*waves to P.T.P.*
Welcome to the Dave Cullen Forum!
-
Welcome both PTP and Single note. You're definitely in the right place here. :)
-
*waves to everyone* You guys are all awesome.
-
Hey ! PTP. ;D
-
Well howdy, Suelyblu! ;D ;D ;D
-
Welcome to the forum, Passthepickles!
Make yourself at home, check out the threads, and post away!
If you stick around, you'll find some awesome people and great friends!
We all know exactly what you're going through, we've all been there.
-
Thank you :) I have already met Bobby19in1963 and many other people. You're all very nice and kinda and awesome. (And should all come to Vegas sometime. Next meet-up place? I think so!)
-
So Brokeback gave me some courage to ask the girl I like out. Yay for Brokeback, not yay for the fact that Megan said 'No.' But I'm not gonna let her bring the Jack in me down, I'm gonna continue on. And watch Brokeback again, probably. Or just listen to the soundtrack.
-
Chin up, PTP! There are other fish in the sea!
-
So Brokeback gave me some courage to ask the girl I like out. Yay for Brokeback, not yay for the fact that Megan said 'No.' But I'm not gonna let her bring the Jack in me down, I'm gonna continue on. And watch Brokeback again, probably. Or just listen to the soundtrack.
Well PTP, sorry about Megan but lotsa other fish etc etc. As for the soundtrack, well, how can just 2 notes open up such a wealth and breadth of emotion. I can't think of any other that has the same effect.
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As for the soundtrack, well, how can just 2 notes open up such a wealth and breadth of emotion. I can't think of any other that has the same effect.
It's just extraordinary - happens time after time, and shocks me every time.
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It's just extraordinary - happens time after time, and shocks me every time.
I spent 9 years - from age 5 to 14 - as an altar-boy in the Catholic Church. The first time I saw Brokeback, those solitary guitar notes sounded with the same sonic pattern (the sharp attack and long slow fade) as the three rings of a three-belled instrument which is used in a ceremony called Benediction to call the faithful to attention, to be minded that what is about to happen in the church is of deep importance. Indeed.
-
An added resonance for you then - literally.
-
An added resonance for you then - literally.
It sure did make me know that something big was about to happen!
-
Well PTP, sorry about Megan but lotsa other fish etc etc. As for the soundtrack, well, how can just 2 notes open up such a wealth and breadth of emotion. I can't think of any other that has the same effect.
Exactly!
They sink right in, every time.
-
Exactly!
They go right in, every time.
I haven't watched the film in ages, I just can't go past those first two notes...they just rip my heart out.
-
You could play those two notes to a crowded room and pick out the Brokies. :D
-
:D :D :D
-
I cry when the opening starts. Holy bullpoopie, it's the best opening notes every made.
And, thanks =D I know there's other fishies, I'll catch one up soon enough ;D
-
You could play those two notes to a crowded room and pick out the Brokies. :D
OMG - yes! you really could!
-
So, so, sooo true! I should try that at school... >:D
-
The movie was so, so well done, I feel like I know the characters, as stupid as that sounds..
Welcome aboard a.singlenote
I like your username.
Of course you know the characters as we all do. It doesn't sound stupid at all. They and we and you are all part of one Family!
So... I tried talking to a few of my friends about it and the ones who had seen it didn't care as much, and the ones who hadn't seen it tried to tell me it was about the two gay cowboys. Guh. So here I am haha :)
Never mind them. You've got us!!! Hope you come back and post more often.
xx
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Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. I just read 'Beyond Brokeback' and now I'm reading it again. I saw the movie only about... Three weeks ago. And since then, well, it won't leave. Do I want it to? Well... No.
I just turned 18 and I'm still in High School.
Welcome to the forum passthepickles. It's so cool to have a high-schooler with us.
Do you want it to leave - no way! None of us do :)
xx
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Welcome to the forum passthepickles. It's so cool to have a high-schooler with us.
Do you want it to leave - no way! None of us do :)
xx
Thanks for the welcome! Yeah, still in High School =D It's fun most of the time. I just saw my good friend Jesse and his boyfriend make out the other day at lunch. It makes me happy they're so happy. I asked him why he was being so open now and he looked at me and said 'Ever seen Brokeback Mountain?' Why, yes ;) I have. Brokeback made Jesse man up! It's an adorable man up too.
-
Yay, PTP!
Just hope there are no self-appointed busybodies to interfere with them there.
But if there are, that you and others in the school will support them against attackers.
It does my heart good to hear of them and your support, thank you!
-
Thanks for the welcome! Yeah, still in High School =D It's fun most of the time. I just saw my good friend Jesse and his boyfriend make out the other day at lunch. It makes me happy they're so happy. I asked him why he was being so open now and he looked at me and said 'Ever seen Brokeback Mountain?' Why, yes ;) I have. Brokeback made Jesse man up! It's an adorable man up too.
Yay for Jesse and the Brokeback effect!
-
Oh yes ;D
-
Thanks for the welcome! Yeah, still in High School =D It's fun most of the time. I just saw my good friend Jesse and his boyfriend make out the other day at lunch. It makes me happy they're so happy. I asked him why he was being so open now and he looked at me and said 'Ever seen Brokeback Mountain?' Why, yes ;) I have. Brokeback made Jesse man up! It's an adorable man up too.
This is so cool about your friend Jesse :) :) Get him here as well!
-
I don't think he will join :-\ He's really not into computers and he told me last time he joined a forum he got bashed (and we all know that would not happen here but he's just not into forums anymore).
-
Hello all,
It's been ages since I have visited this thread...feeling a little nostalgic. Went to the archive threads and had flash backs. So many memories, memories I NEED to revisit every now and than or I feel like I can't go on any longer.
I'm so thrilled to see new faces in here,thrilled that people are still finding their way in here,young,old and from all over...makes me smile.
For those who don't know me, I joined 5 years ago,I'm a married gal from Chicago...straight,2 kids,2 dogs, the all American dream..no white picket fence though...lol....but I got a white chain link fence out back....lmao
Months after we all joined here we all decided we wanted to meet in person. Linda (Killersmom ) opened her house to us in Texas that August 2006. It was so so hot...never experienced so much heat in all my days..nearly fainted,but that sure didn't stop us from hugging and kissing each other,sweaty and all...we were a big family...tears of joy all over the place. So many of us from all over the world showed up. Italy,Netherlands,England,Finland...Lord...all over..the whole USA was there too.
We came from all ethnic backgrounds,religious beliefs,you name it..we all acted like we had known each other for years....like real family. We shared all our experiences of why Brokeback got to us. How our families didn't understand,our breakups,our childhoods,our traumas,our joys. I can't tell you how much that has changed my life..
I don't even have words to fully describe the whole weekend that year. My heart revisits that every now and then...I miss so many of you my heart breaks. some have left this world and are at a better place with God,some I don't keep in touch any more..and some I still do.
I'm a better person for getting to know some of you. Some of you I was blessed to see more than once,some I yet not met and wish I had...oh well...our busy lives now keep us sane I guess. Some days I wonder if I'll ever see any of you again.
Many of my old wounds are healed now because of Brokeback and because of this forum..I have moved on,but there are days I feel so lonely..even though things are going well for me and my family, our ups and downs like anyone else's..it's there....seeking for what I used to have when I had all the time to venture in here and vent...
But that's ok....this Forum is still here, THANK GOD, some of my old buddies are still here, THANK GOD, summer is around the corner THANK GOD.....lmao.....Lord help me if I see more SNOW!!!!
I don't know, I'm yapping at nothing ....I just need to chat right now cuz that was what I did back then...when we were confused and going crazy...crazy to find someone like us and try to figure out why we were hurting...why did things happen to us the way it did? Why did we meet? it was meant to be...we all helped each other in ways no therapist could...saved us lots of money too....bwahahh :D :D
People tell me I write like how I talk...it's true...I have so many emotions still bottled up inside...trying to figure out what it is I need to do...this is still my journey....it's been 5 long years..I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.. ::)..to hell with growing up...hahahahha.... ::)....I still need to improve...it'll be this way until the day I die...I thank God every day for what I have...and for my dear friends I have in this Forum..Good 'ole Brokeback done get me again....
Still can't watch the movie in it's entirety...I always have to run out bawling my eyes out when Ennis walks out of that damn post office with that postcard saying "deceased" stamped on it....just typing this has my eyes all watery...Lord! I'm a big sap! One day I will sit down and watch the whole movie again....it's like I need to hold someone's hand...the last time I ever saw this move was with a whole group of you in Bay City...remember that guys?....holding hands so tight I swore my circulation had stopped...crying together and not giving a damn...my God...I miss you guys so very much..
I gotta stop cuz now I can't see the damn letters as I type...I'm feeling so nostalgic it ain't even funny...
please don't forget me gang...I still pray for all my Brokie friends...here on earth and in heaven...
I love you all
Nellie
-
...the last time I ever saw this move was with a whole group of you in Bay City...remember that guys?....
4 fuckin' years ago this Sunday.
-
4 fuckin' years ago this Sunday.
I KNEW the anniversary was soon....my brain is programmed!! and 4 years I quit smoking!!
I love you John...miss you!! (((((((((((((((((( John ))))))))))))))))))))
-
saved us lots of money too
ummm, no.
50+ movie tickets
2 autographed posters
several copies of 'Beyond Brokeback'
trip to Texas
trip to Chicago
trip to Colorado and Wyoming
several trips to L.A.
A blue shirt
It adds up to enough to buy a new car :D
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ummm, no.
50+ movie tickets
2 autographed posters
several copies of 'Beyond Brokeback'
trip to Texas
trip to Chicago
trip to Colorado and Wyoming
several trips to L.A.
A blue shirt
It adds up to enough to buy a new car :D
bwahahahhha.... :D :D...you're too funny
-
Geaux Nellie! :-* :-* :-*
-
That weekend will stay in my heart forever, and you too Nellie, you know that :-*
As someone here said, we're just one click away from each other.
-
Yup girl you sure were sweaty that weekend....:)
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi41.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fe267%2Fnickjadegreen%2FBBQ%2Fbbq194-1.jpg&hash=71b14083558b0eea0f8fade98015b5c269d239ef)
and that tequila thing you have, well..... (okay it was iced tea...)
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi41.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fe267%2Fnickjadegreen%2FBBQ%2Fbbq231.jpg&hash=c569336dec63fef4e0baf791955debd075ab645d)
But you got really thoughtful too
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi41.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fe267%2Fnickjadegreen%2FBBQ%2Fbbq246.jpg&hash=ecd1c4c9be9e5de6336950f3df4e1fbd5bd79b71)
and we had so much fun, not that you were in this particular thang
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi41.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fe267%2Fnickjadegreen%2FBBQ%2Fbbq258.jpg&hash=aee6e7472a73478f414c96a9d18a2299f2d7b5df)
and the heat made us all crazy, some more than others
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi41.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fe267%2Fnickjadegreen%2FBBQ%2Fbbq267.jpg&hash=55d0a4a92f158b71994afdf7cc6cb617bc27bf84)
but we had fun (and sweaty pits)
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi41.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fe267%2Fnickjadegreen%2FBBQ%2F100_1473-1.jpg&hash=38b45c06d4baae56b253b439f08cc6ec00eaee43)
Hello all,
It's been ages since I have visited this thread...feeling a little nostalgic. Went to the archive threads and had flash backs. So many memories, memories I NEED to revisit every now and than or I feel like I can't go on any longer.
I'm so thrilled to see new faces in here,thrilled that people are still finding their way in here,young,old and from all over...makes me smile.
For those who don't know me, I joined 5 years ago,I'm a married gal from Chicago...straight,2 kids,2 dogs, the all American dream..no white picket fence though...lol....but I got a white chain link fence out back....lmao
Months after we all joined here we all decided we wanted to meet in person. Linda (Killersmom ) opened her house to us in Texas that August 2006. It was so so hot...never experienced so much heat in all my days..nearly fainted,but that sure didn't stop us from hugging and kissing each other,sweaty and all...we were a big family...tears of joy all over the place. So many of us from all over the world showed up. Italy,Netherlands,England,Finland...Lord...all over..the whole USA was there too.
We came from all ethnic backgrounds,religious beliefs,you name it..we all acted like we had known each other for years....like real family. We shared all our experiences of why Brokeback got to us. How our families didn't understand,our breakups,our childhoods,our traumas,our joys. I can't tell you how much that has changed my life..
I don't even have words to fully describe the whole weekend that year. My heart revisits that every now and then...I miss so many of you my heart breaks. some have left this world and are at a better place with God,some I don't keep in touch any more..and some I still do.
I'm a better person for getting to know some of you. Some of you I was blessed to see more than once,some I yet not met and wish I had...oh well...our busy lives now keep us sane I guess. Some days I wonder if I'll ever see any of you again.
Many of my old wounds are healed now because of Brokeback and because of this forum..I have moved on,but there are days I feel so lonely..even though things are going well for me and my family, our ups and downs like anyone else's..it's there....seeking for what I used to have when I had all the time to venture in here and vent...
But that's ok....this Forum is still here, THANK GOD, some of my old buddies are still here, THANK GOD, summer is around the corner THANK GOD.....lmao.....Lord help me if I see more SNOW!!!!
I don't know, I'm yapping at nothing ....I just need to chat right now cuz that was what I did back then...when we were confused and going crazy...crazy to find someone like us and try to figure out why we were hurting...why did things happen to us the way it did? Why did we meet? it was meant to be...we all helped each other in ways no therapist could...saved us lots of money too....bwahahh :D :D
People tell me I write like how I talk...it's true...I have so many emotions still bottled up inside...trying to figure out what it is I need to do...this is still my journey....it's been 5 long years..I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.. ::)..to hell with growing up...hahahahha.... ::)....I still need to improve...it'll be this way until the day I die...I thank God every day for what I have...and for my dear friends I have in this Forum..Good 'ole Brokeback done get me again....
Still can't watch the movie in it's entirety...I always have to run out bawling my eyes out when Ennis walks out of that damn post office with that postcard saying "deceased" stamped on it....just typing this has my eyes all watery...Lord! I'm a big sap! One day I will sit down and watch the whole movie again....it's like I need to hold someone's hand...the last time I ever saw this move was with a whole group of you in Bay City...remember that guys?....holding hands so tight I swore my circulation had stopped...crying together and not giving a damn...my God...I miss you guys so very much..
I gotta stop cuz now I can't see the damn letters as I type...I'm feeling so nostalgic it ain't even funny...
please don't forget me gang...I still pray for all my Brokie friends...here on earth and in heaven...
I love you all
Nellie
-
and oh yeah, you do do talk like you write (vice versa too), but hey, we like that...
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
-
shit was it hot......
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi41.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fe267%2Fnickjadegreen%2FBBQ%2Fbbq007.jpg&hash=7750797d2a854cba7138acc43b68bb0285250d72)
the cat had the right idea
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi41.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fe267%2Fnickjadegreen%2FBBQ%2Fbbq085.jpg&hash=b554248abe4ac0f6cf2d42a3d920d0359f1573ed)
oh and as for nearly getting arrested at the Alamo
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi41.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fe267%2Fnickjadegreen%2FBBQ%2Fbbq197.jpg&hash=4bdfaadf4e0f120e739f1c9f956f255476c99acd)
there was somewhere to go home to..
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi41.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fe267%2Fnickjadegreen%2FBBQ%2Fbbq061.jpg&hash=5b3ff5809e3647dc38cb01f9aca4b0e8adba5003)
and we had bubbles
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi41.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fe267%2Fnickjadegreen%2FBBQ%2FBBQ014.jpg&hash=95548cfd7d29371a61b7f8a13e61181c5c841dae)
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oh and the things that went on here
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi41.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fe267%2Fnickjadegreen%2FBBQ%2Fbbq064.jpg&hash=5ffabd525843d66feba6a4a4e2a8839644763953)
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oh and the things that went on here
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi41.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fe267%2Fnickjadegreen%2FBBQ%2Fbbq064.jpg&hash=5ffabd525843d66feba6a4a4e2a8839644763953)
Hey, those butts where practically all mine ;D ;D ;D
Thanks for the pictures Nick...it's always so good to look at them :-* :-*
-
Nikko :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*....you made me cry man.. :'( :'(...in a GOOD way
thanks soooo much for these wonderful pictures....I can close my eyes and feel like I'm still there
and btw...almost getting arrested wouldn't of been so bad..Conny and Sal would of made it fun......bwahahhaha :o ;D ;D ;D ::) ::)
I love ya!!
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I have a few of my own pictures too....I'd love to share with you all...so that the newbies can see how true it is to be family and that all this is REAL!!
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi51.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff376%2Fmcnell1120%2FTexas%25202006%2F629937-R1-039-18.jpg&hash=dbec5e4b137e5d5daa46f9a84e8cfae2b1950c67)
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(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi51.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff376%2Fmcnell1120%2FTexas%25202006%2F629937-R1-045-21.jpg&hash=7e11f2eda7791276176929382aa4b2d8d723b529)
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(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi51.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff376%2Fmcnell1120%2FTexas%25202006%2F629937-R1-041-19.jpg&hash=49538b2342473e18ef4215993d315dff1cd96e29)
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(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi51.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff376%2Fmcnell1120%2FTexas%25202006%2F8-18-2006-02.jpg&hash=aed52d63cf5e5f4fb16d3d6ec8ecafbbb2e01394)
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I love you Jackie, miss you so much!
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi51.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff376%2Fmcnell1120%2FTexas%25202006%2F8-18-2006-03.jpg&hash=573fdcdcdd95da1a65d91df47e22d42e4ca5853f)
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Brad throwing kisses
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Catia, my sweet Italian sister :-*
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi51.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff376%2Fmcnell1120%2FTexas%25202006%2F8-18-2006-12.jpg&hash=7a36d5ab3e4344ae54f8dd3116d1d6ece2797884)
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my favorite this was sitting around talking deeply and drinking Corona
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*waves at her friend all the way from Italy* :-* :-* :-*
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look ab Bob...hahahha...his Irish.Scottish kilt thing happening here
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my sweet Finland friend Jari....miss you darling
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi51.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff376%2Fmcnell1120%2FTexas%25202006%2F8-18-2006-19.jpg&hash=6c45eb4895e09e5b13cf6765ebcd041250ea4b5c)
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I had a crappy camera...didn't take too many pictures...but let me tell you all the pictures I have in my head will be there FOREVER!!
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So in honor of Bay City's anniversary this Sunday,here are a few from that weekend!! another memory that is engraved forever in my heart!
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi51.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff376%2Fmcnell1120%2FBay%2520City%25202007%2FBayCity066.jpg&hash=18da10200374346f72910d507cebd3b12edd561d)
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my brother Mitchell from Maine...who now lives in Okieville (Oklahoma ) ;) ;)
we were drunk ::) ::) 8)
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi51.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff376%2Fmcnell1120%2FBay%2520City%25202007%2FBayCity078.jpg&hash=049c6b38aabf73eeab844ebc671d23ec206f129a)
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My other brother ,Lenny from New Orleans..
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi51.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff376%2Fmcnell1120%2FBay%2520City%25202007%2FBayCity043.jpg&hash=e90a84523785ca3034c2a7353d5aaafffa346c76)
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ummm...don't ask
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi51.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff376%2Fmcnell1120%2FBay%2520City%25202007%2FBayCity039.jpg&hash=5f1339d611d712a8f4198422791b53e9ca386177)
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Gerry from Texas....silly boys!
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi51.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff376%2Fmcnell1120%2FBay%2520City%25202007%2FBayCity040.jpg&hash=4a8a63b6c27aa977661e9b1961f04dc91ea83d79)
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bwahahahaha ;D ;D ::)...from another world,I tell ya
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi51.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff376%2Fmcnell1120%2FBay%2520City%25202007%2FBayCity035.jpg&hash=c62af6251231148a1921025dfb0c1d0023099e33)
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we all saw stars that day ::) ::) ::) ::)
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Fritzie.....our designated driver ...lmao
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi51.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff376%2Fmcnell1120%2FBay%2520City%25202007%2FBayCity029.jpg&hash=5ef657c54310c298b298a446eb717abf8d2e6e19)
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one of my favorite pictures ever!
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi51.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff376%2Fmcnell1120%2FBay%2520City%25202007%2FBayCity054.jpg&hash=1a746b53bac064a2b05b91635305ab1e26cdde0f)
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I fell in love with the live entertainment...Lord have mercy!!
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my sweet puto brother from Jersey....
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi51.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff376%2Fmcnell1120%2FBay%2520City%25202007%2FBayCity008.jpg&hash=047772019095eb06e991b2126092d16acff8fd81)
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we had so much fun
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi51.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff376%2Fmcnell1120%2FBay%2520City%25202007%2FBayCity068.jpg&hash=134035ee3ec6e95d10b021dd4d3fb94f402cf9d0)
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don't ask....I think he got lost....looks like Jesus....bwahahhaha ;D ;D ::) ::)
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi51.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff376%2Fmcnell1120%2FBay%2520City%25202007%2FBayCity023.jpg&hash=fe8d96179f86f59b9c0ec5ac0b4160140da833d5)
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Jackie was able to take a cherry stem and knot it using her tongue..a true talent this girl had ::)
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi51.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff376%2Fmcnell1120%2FBay%2520City%25202007%2FBayCity053.jpg&hash=b92e4f315274d8bf7c794b49988491e906411fd9)
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Brokeback continues to affect me every single day...because you all are in my head forever!! So many things I see around me remind me of Brokeback...it's like my bible now...I try to follow it to keep me going towards that right direction...the direction that was meant to be...for me
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A thorn between the roses!
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Fritzie.....our designated driver ...lmao
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi51.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff376%2Fmcnell1120%2FBay%2520City%25202007%2FBayCity029.jpg&hash=5ef657c54310c298b298a446eb717abf8d2e6e19)
It was COLD!!!!
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*waves at her friend all the way from Italy* :-* :-*
I miss those days sitting by the steps just talking :-* :-* :-*..sweet, sweet soul you have
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Thanks, Nellie! Several of those I either hadn't seen or don't remember!
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Thanks, Nellie! Several of those I either hadn't seen or don't remember!
I'm glad you liked them :-*
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Here's one more I like of you, Fritzie
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi51.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff376%2Fmcnell1120%2FBay%2520City%25202007%2FBayCity051.jpg&hash=6cb8618b0d320e68f042ec55aabfea2ffbdac457)
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Thanks, Nellie! That's at the restaurant we ate at in downtown Bay City, right?
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my bro John, from Michigan who now lives in California!!
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi51.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff376%2Fmcnell1120%2FBay%2520City%25202007%2FBayCity046.jpg&hash=b832daffe0ed4a993eee66149b6fa3cd70e1777b)
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Thanks, Nellie! That's at the restaurant we ate at in downtown Bay City, right?
yep..it sure was
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saying our thanks to John who made all this happen for us that weekend!! Love you baby cakes!!
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Mitchie was hung over and I was irritating him taking pictures....it took every ounce of energy for him NOT to hit me...bwahahahha ::) :o :D
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I forgot about this one..
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;D
So many great memories! ;D Thanks for posting them all, darlin'!
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Hey! I recognize that back seat! :D
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Nikko :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*....you made me cry man.. :'( :'(...in a GOOD way
thanks soooo much for these wonderful pictures....I can close my eyes and feel like I'm still there
and btw...almost getting arrested wouldn't of been so bad..Conny and Sal would of made it fun......bwahahhaha :o ;D ;D ;D ::) ::)
I love ya!!
:D
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Must say, BayCityJohn looks soooo much better these days without that moustache....
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Perhaps there is nobody here anymore, and I write in iempty space. However, this last January, it was 5 years since I saw Brokeback Mountain, and it literally changed my life. It did recede in the background for a few years, but never left, and now it is nearly as strong as the first time.
I have for some days now read this thread from the very first start, and it is such joy to read: all of it. The stories, the effect, the caring, the honesty....and I remember so many of the participants. It feels so good to read again, and I have similar bodily experience as then...because I was lucky enough to have a deep emotional and physical cathartic experience.
Just had to tell somebody, and perhaps somebody is out there......
Valkyrie
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Hello Valkyrie!
Yes, we're stil here, and there are still members affected by Brokeback, and even new members who appear here to talk about it!
It's good to see you!
If you would like to review another special thread, you can click this link.
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=41465.0
This thread is commemorating the 5th anniversary of the movie and forum. After a few pages passed, I began to fill it with the first posts of members here. It makes for great reading.
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Thanks a lot: and now you gave me cause for headache....which thread to choose...the archive one or the new...Perhaps I should be a good woman and juggle them both? ::)
Valkyrie
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We're not going anywhere. There's plenty of time to read both! ;)
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Mitchie was hung over and I was irritating him taking pictures....it took every ounce of energy for him NOT to hit me...bwahahahha ::) :o :D
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi51.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff376%2Fmcnell1120%2FBay%2520City%25202007%2FBayCity021.jpg&hash=ec45d1fa20c4024013eb9314766b9a61310d2237)
Cute! I'd say it's safe to say that Brokeback and this forum has truly affected your Life, Nellie! You Sweet, Sweet, Soul! :-* :-* :-*
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Perhaps there is nobody here anymore, and I write in empty space. However, this last January, it was 5 years since I saw Brokeback Mountain, and it literally changed my life. It did recede in the background for a few years, but never left, and now it is nearly as strong as the first time.
I have for some days now read this thread from the very first start, and it is such joy to read: all of it. The stories, the effect, the caring, the honesty....and I remember so many of the participants. It feels so good to read again, and I have similar bodily experience as then...because I was lucky enough to have a deep emotional and physical cathartic experience.
Just had to tell somebody, and perhaps somebody is out there......
Valkyrie
Oh no sweet thing....no empty space here.....
So many of us have left, very true...some of us even moved to a better place called "heaven"...my heart aches to know that they are no longer here in this earth but for the rest of us and the new ones that still come in here to find peace,answers, anything....we are still here...lurking, reading, feeling, and smiling....at times I read all the new stuff...from the newbies....some from the old ones that periodically come in here like me and vent...I cry. I cry for them and feel their pain, close my eyes and say little prayers for them....cuz I know God hears all..
I'm a dork I know, my husband still calls me a sensitive person and at times worries about me...but in all truth, that's how I'm wired...letting a good cry helps, feeds my soul....it's okay to feel down sometimes..it's okay to question your sanity...don't ever feel guilty to feel these things...it means you're ALIVE...it means you are aware of things and you want to better yourself....if you don't feel pain and hurt or let a good cry, you are dying...not physically....but emotionally.....we all deserve better than that...it doesn't always have to be painful things...we come in here to voice life changing things...good high energy stuff...uplifting stories...I LOVE reading about the good changes in people...after 5 years have passed and you read all the events that have happened in these people's lives is all so rewarding...
Vent, cry,laugh and even get angry.....keep your head up...it's the Brokie way..
much love
Nellie
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nope... nobody home here... heh heh.
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Yesterday, (in addition to being Andy's birthday), was my two year anniversary of seeing Brokeback Mountain for the first time. As you may recall, this was the first thread I posted in here, and I told the story of how I was in a relationship with a gay man for a long time, that ended badly. I had put off seeing the movie, wanting to distance myself from any and all things gay because it hurt too much. I put the movie in my Netflix queue, too mortified to rent it from a video store, or *gasp* purchase it in a public place. My whole life changed when I popped the DVD into the player that day. And fortunately, two years worth of changes have taken place since.
Over the weekend, I watched the movie with my sister for the first time. Although I would describe my sister as an Aids Activist, she had never seen the film. I own the Blu-Ray version, but since we planned to watch at my sister's house, I needed to get ahold of a regular DVD. Fortunately, my BFF, Kelly (heathyluv) had a DVD for me to borrow when I drove by her place on my way to my sister's. We watched the movie on Saturday night. My sister liked it well enough, but since she has read so much slash already, she thought the passionate scenes were pretty tame. There was no big cathartic moment for her. It just confirmed that everything I had been telling her for the past two years was true.
I wasn't going to write a special commemorative post for my two year anniversary, but I changed my mind last night. I was in Bed, Bath & Beyond, looking to buy some of those sticky tape lint removers that owners of orange cats require if they are to consider wearing black clothing. A rack of DVDs stood near the cash register. As usual, I took a peek, never expecting to find a copy of the only movie that I own in a version for home-viewing, not being a fan of movies at all. But there it was, with Jake and Heath posed tragically on the cover. Of course I bought it, so I won't have to borrow Kelly's again. But I didn't hide it behind my lint removers and I didn't wait until all the other customers had left the store before taking it up to the cash register and I didn't make fun of it being a gay cowboy movie with the girl who rang me up.
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You go, girl!! ;)
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Thanks, Andy!
And I'm pretty good with a lint remover, too!
:-*
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Wonderful post, Donna, I thank you for sharing it with us!
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I can't remember the first time I saw BBM. It's all a blur. My whole life since seeing it has become a blur. It's as if the most important thing in my life is the memory of the film....and , I know , this is so wrong. I feel sometimes ,I should leave this forum and come down off the mountain and get back to my life before I saw BBM.....but then .....I would disappear and be as ....nothing. .......................So I stay.
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You can leave the mountain Sue but you'll never be able to erase the memory nor effects of it. :-*
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:) To Andy --
**Ditto. Never.**
kathy
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Donna, thank you for your post....and happy anniversary!!
I was the same at first..5 years ago. Should I buy it? order it? or wait some more...where should I get it?
ah...who cares...we're so silly playing all these mind games...as if the whole world knows exactly what we're up to and what we are thinking! God help me if they do. Lord!
I think I'm going to pop that movie in right now actually....haven't seen it since Bay City....having the need to cry some...
((hugs)) to all
Nellie
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hugs back, Darlin'!
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Good morning :) (at least it's morning in Scandinavia),
Oh, I have been so into reading the old threads, that I totally forgot to check in the updated one. Thanks for kind replies.
Actually I had a Brokeback Mountain Evening with a couple of good (and new friends since I saw the film), one is a gay man, the other a transgender woman. Both well 20 years younger than me, but somehow these 2 friends are the ones I best can relate to on a deeper existential level. They both know how it is to reexamine their lives and have had to work hard on their self image.
We had a wonderful evening with good food, conversation and enjoyed the movie together. It is truly a masterpiece. I do not react so strong to BBM as before, yet it always tugs at my heartstrings and makes my skin tingle.
I thought it funny and interesting that my woman friend puffed and muttered angrily when Joe Aguirre sees Ennis & Jack through his binoculars: "can't they be allowed to fuck in peace!!"
Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.
Kind regards Valkyrie
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Obs, I suddenly realised I probably should not use the word f*** on this forum, since it is predominately and American site. There is a big cultural difference in Scandinavian and North American sentiments on what is considered bad language. In my country it pertains mostly to religious flavoured words, and as I understand it mostly sexual ones in US.
Sorry.
Valkyrie
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Hello Valkyrie!
Thanks for sharing your story here about your eveing with your new friends. Sounds like a great night.
Don't worry about swearing here. We're an adult themed site, and we state that any member must be 18 years or older, so there is no need to worry about the occasional course language slipping in.
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Thanks,good to know, since I was afraid I might have offended some.
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Sounds like a wonderful BBM evening, Valkyrie. It is always great to get together with other folks who get it like we do and to make friends we can continue to share it all with! Thanks so much for sharing your time together.
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Thanks,good to know, since I was afraid I might have offended some.
The words "Fuck" and "Fuckin" are used several times in the film, and in the short story 21 times.
I haven't done a search for how many times they've been used on the forum, but I'll bet it's several fuckin' hundred or more.
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Hello Valkyrie!
Thanks for sharing your story here about your evening with your new friends. Sounds like a great night.
Don't worry about swearing here. We're an adult themed site, and we state that any member must be 18 years or older, so there is no need to worry about the occasional course language slipping in.
Valkyrie - the only time anyone here has said anything about my language was the time I used 'son of a beekeeping Jesus' as an epithet. Some people here use 'son of a B' in lieu of 'son of a bitch,' and my complainant was a little upset that I dragged Jesus into it! So maybe there is a strong correlation between our two cultures of what's a bad word and not... the complainer's major whine was that I had given Jesus a child!!! Even my statements of the biological impossibility of the assumption fell on deaf ears. Go figure.
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Ok guys :D, then I'm not going to be afraid of using strong language when I feel it might be called for. It is not very often, actually.
A question for any who would like to respond: in retrospect, in what way has your life/you changed after the BBM experience?
I am pondering that myself, and intend to answer, even though it might take a while before it appears in writing. That is also due to heavy workload this week, I might not get the time.
All the best from Valkyrie
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One of the biggest changes for me is the way my apartment is decorated.
I have a couple of BBM posters on the walls, and lots of little BBM memorabilia here and there.
I've also had to buy storage boxes for all the stuff I've collected.
:D
more to come later...
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A question for any who would like to respond: in retrospect, in what way has your life/you changed after the BBM experience?
I used to be very introverted and afraid to be in a relationship. After the movie, I saw what being too introverted and afraid did to Ennis, and now I'm more like Jack.
I was a homebody, and didn't travel at all, and I've since been to 5 different countries, and 15 different states. I'm looking to add to that.
I've had the good fortune to meet Annie Proulx, Diana Ossana, Ang Lee and James Schamus.
I let myself be open to love, and while lasting love has not been found, I've had some great relationships that have made me grow as a person.
I've also met a lot of fellow Brokies, that have all become great friends. ;D
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A question for any who would like to respond: in retrospect, in what way has your life/you changed after the BBM experience?
Big time, valkyrie. At nearly 60 I came out of the closet, joined this forum, and have made and met 60+ friends. The best part was connecting with Chuck Ivins in May 2006 on this forum. On 1 May 2011 we will have been married four years.
We have a picture of Chuck above (CellarDweller115) and my Chuck taken at a BBM reunion in Estes Park, CO, in 2007. We call it "The Two Chucks."
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The best part was connecting with Chuck Ivins in May 2006 on this forum. On 1 May 2011 we will have been married four years.
May 1st, 2007 - Vancouver, Canada. Wedding of Atruant and Wanderer
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi327.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fk463%2Fdcfmod%2FBrokie%2520Gathering%2520Shots%2F07-5-1CanadaWedding.jpg&hash=2d574c64268c486f2b6b2361cafe63eb4106d6a7)
Jerome, Wanderer, Atruant, Dominic and BillyBobCat .
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We have a picture of Chuck above (CellarDweller115) and my Chuck taken at a BBM reunion in Estes Park, CO, in 2007. We call it "The Two Chucks."
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi54.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fg116%2FCellarDweller115%2FDever%2520BBMBBQ%2FDenverColoradobbmbbq102.jpg&hash=086ccf4a0fa93fcfb8cbe2c263e75dddab69ad82)
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Thanks a lot guys for your replies, BayCityJohn, CellarDwellar115, and belated congratulations to you and your love atruant :D. What joy and isn't it strange how life can turn out. Thanks also for the pictures: it makes it so more concrete and clear in my head.
What changes made, and Chuck, sounds like you've come a long way, baby ;)
I have just come back from an evening lecture about Norwegian & Danish Vikingships, and get these nice posts.
Somehow, when this 5th anniversary came along, and the Beyond Brokeback arrived from Amazone.com, my own experience has been rekindled. Not that it ever went away, it was too deep and lifechanging, but off cause it has abated. Life goes on anyhow. However, I am forever changed.
If I may and if anyone of you is interested, here is the link to my story: http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.2880
Valkyrie
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Thanks for sharing that Valkyrie! What an amazing story of healing. So glad you are with us here still. :)
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I thought this would be a good place to share this article. This is a 4-part essay that was published today. The author talks about the personal impact of the film in part 4.
Meditations on BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN: Multilayered Love Story
Nathan Donarum | Mar 24, 2011
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As I sit here writing, I am finding it hard to gather my thoughts together. Most of this essay has already been outlined, and yet I’m still not sure if it fully expresses my feelings toward Ang Lee's Brokeback Mountain. I realize that although there is a certain amount of objectivity that goes into judging the merits of a film, so much of one’s personal feelings for it is subjective.
I gather my thoughts and ideas together with that in mind. As much as this is an analysis of certain aspects of the film itself, it is also a personal essay; it is the “why” of the question “Why do you like this film?”
On the most basic level, I find Brokeback Mountain one of the most poignantly told love stories I've ever seen. It does not matter that we are dealing with two men instead of a man and a woman. In essence, that aspect in and of itself is irrelevant to me.
I have heard some criticize the film because it does not tell anything new, and "if it weren't two men no one would care!" First of all, the problem with that rationale is that, regardless of the characters' gender, the story is told with a meticulous care rarely found in love stories of any kind.
Second, the fact that they are two men is central to the entire film; to dismiss it offhand as a thematic criticism of Brokeback Mountain is to miss the point entirely. This argument makes little sense when applied to other films, e.g., “If E.T. were a human child instead of an alien, the movie would not be as revered as it is”; or maybe “If Boyz N the Hood was about white people, it wouldn’t be as relevant.” Of course it wouldn’t be; the ethnicity of the Boyz N the Hood characters is central to the story and to its power, just as the sexual orientation of the two men in Brokeback Mountain is central to its story and power.
To me, Brokeback Mountain eloquently shows us how much early 1960s Wyoming ranch hand Ennis Del Mar (Heath Ledger) and rodeo cowboy Jack Twist (Jake Gyllenhaal) love each other. As the movie unfolds, Ang Lee, and screenwriters Diana Ossana and Larry McMurtry (adapting E. Annie Proulx's short story) give us every piece for why they did.
The very fact that Ennis and Jack are two men makes their love and devotion to one another all the more affecting. After all, it's easier to dismiss a love story between a man and a woman, even if there's some reason they're "not supposed to be together," because it's taken for granted that members of the opposite sex can be romantically attracted to each other. But in Brokeback Mountain we have two men who, based on everything that society has taught them is wrong, still cannot help the way they feel.
Under society’s definition, nature would preclude them from being together; however, as the film’s tagline aptly states, “Love is a force of nature.” Despite the belief that death befalls those who act and feel as they do, they are unable to simply ignore or put a stop to their own actions and feelings.
http://www.altfg.com/blog/movie/meditations-on-brokeback-mountain-love-story/ (http://www.altfg.com/blog/movie/meditations-on-brokeback-mountain-love-story/)
Continue Reading: Meditations on BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN Pt.2: Ennis Del Mar – Iconic Film Character
http://www.altfg.com/blog/movie/brokeback-mountain-ennis-del-mar-iconic-film-character/ (http://www.altfg.com/blog/movie/brokeback-mountain-ennis-del-mar-iconic-film-character/)
Continue Reading: Meditations on BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN Pt.3: Technical Brilliance
http://www.altfg.com/blog/movie/brokeback-mountain-technical-brilliance/ (http://www.altfg.com/blog/movie/brokeback-mountain-technical-brilliance/)
Continue Reading: Meditations on BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN Pt.4: Personal Impact
http://www.altfg.com/blog/movie/brokeback-mountain-personal-impact/ (http://www.altfg.com/blog/movie/brokeback-mountain-personal-impact/)
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**This 4-part essay is wonderful. So true.**
kathy
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John, Thanks for posting the link! Good, honest, well-written analysis. He's on the money in his pick for scenes. I always considered the "kneeling alley" scene to be the bookend for the final "I swear" Both are where Ennis reveals privately how he really feels about Jack. Both are confined spaces. Both are tightly framed. Both have spacious backgrounds in the alternate distance. Later, Vincent
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A question for any who would like to respond: in retrospect, in what way has your life/you changed after the BBM experience?
Ok...you really want to know ? It's killing me...it's eating away at me ,inside. I can't get away from the utter sadness of the film/SS and all the events after it. It shows in the music I listen to and my love of poetry. Once these things "lifted" my spirits ...but no more.I can read sadness into the simplest of things. Always, always reminding me of BBM and the two tragic boys who just wanted love and to be loved.
Now you know the truth.
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**I understand.**
kathy
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Sue, I am sure your words will strike a chord with lots of Brokies. We all feel this pain from time to time and perhaps the intensity of it varies from person to person.
Although the story ends on a fairly pessimistic note, I always take comfort in the artistry of the short story and movie. This is art at a very high level.
It is a heady mix of beautiful and sad, but beautiful it most certainly is.
((((( You are not alone in these feelings )))))
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Following on from the postings about sad feelings.....
I am one of those strange people who cries whenever I see Romeo and Juliet, even though I have seen it dozens of times before and naturally know what the outcome is!
In fact, the last time I saw the ballet of Romeo and Juliet (quite recently) I had some kind of weird Pavlovian response where I started crying as soon as the music started.
Although the story arouses sadness in me, it does not stop me wanting to watch future productions of Romeo and Juliet. I love this story and the sadness is all part of its beauty.
Brokeback has a similar effect on me. The aching, yearning, unfulfilled feelings it stirs up are all tied in with the beauty of the landscape etc. I am not sure I am explaining this properly.
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^^^^^^
I do know what you mean. Somethings can be so beautiful ....it hurts to look.....but feel you need to. BBM is one of those things. But it is what is left behind....with you....in your mind... that in some ways becomes so difficult to deal with. You were "there" with them....wanting so much for them....and then...in one cruel twist....it's gone. Yet still we watch....going back for more. Each time hoping that what you saw wasn't really the way it ended. But it did. It's like a reoccurring nightmare in one of the most beautiful places on earth.With snow capped mountains ,forests and turquoise blue lakes and rivers.
Why should such a beautiful place bring such misery ? Is it teaching us not to be seduced by what you see? No matter how desirable it may seem ? eg. Ennis and Jack...who were perfect in each others eyes?
Like you....with the first few notes of Romeo and Juliet....just the first few cords on that guitar....the headlights on the truck coming into focus on the screen ....and my heart sinks....I feel a tightness set in my throat and chest and tears well up in my eyes...and all because.... we are left with nothing . My heartache and heartbreak begins all over again.
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Let's face it, for lots of us there is a sadness about Brokeback which has been compounded by the death of Heath.
It is like someone came along with what was already a very sad story and dumped a great big truckload of shit on it. I'm sorry - I cannot find another way of expressing this.
I would be interested to know from older people - and particularly his fans - just what was the reaction to James Dean's death at the time? It seems to me that he played characters who led sad lives....... and then he was killed. I wonder how long it took for his fans to truly get over it, given that the sadness must have been compounded by his sad characters? Or am I reading too much into things? In both cases, I think it is safe to say that people felt cheated because there was the promise of so much more to come.
Anyone have any thoughts on this?
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Ok...you really want to know ? It's killing me...it's eating away at me ,inside. I can't get away from the utter sadness of the film/SS and all the events after it. It shows in the music I listen to and my love of poetry. Once these things "lifted" my spirits ...but no more.I can read sadness into the simplest of things. Always, always reminding me of BBM and the two tragic boys who just wanted love and to be loved.
Now you know the truth.
Oh.
(((((((((((((Suely)))))))))))) !!
I so wish I could just come over to see you and give a big warm hug right now.
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Oh.
(((((((((((((Suely)))))))))))) !!
I so wish I could just come over to see you and give a big warm hug right now.
Mia.....there are some days when I feel I really need one :'(
(((((((((((Mia & Me!)))))))))))
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^^^^^^
I do know what you mean. Somethings can be so beautiful ....it hurts to look.....but feel you need to. BBM is one of those things. But it is what is left behind....with you....in your mind... that in some ways becomes so difficult to deal with. You were "there" with them....wanting so much for them....and then...in one cruel twist....it's gone. Yet still we watch....going back for more. Each time hoping that what you saw wasn't really the way it ended. But it did. It's like a reoccurring nightmare in one of the most beautiful places on earth.With snow capped mountains ,forests and turquoise blue lakes and rivers.
Why should such a beautiful place bring such misery ? Is it teaching us not to be seduced by what you see? No matter how desirable it may seem ? eg. Ennis and Jack...who were perfect in each others eyes?
Like you....with the first few notes of Romeo and Juliet....just the first few cords on that guitar....the headlights on the truck coming into focus on the screen ....and my heart sinks....I feel a tightness set in my throat and chest and tears well up in my eyes...and all because.... we are left with nothing . My heartache and heartbreak begins all over again.
*sigh*
I don't have the words yet to express what I feel. You think that after 5 years of talking about it that it all makes sense and we can move on? Well, we have moved on but I catch myself daydreaming still....the music,the memory of it all..the pain...I don't understand why . It may never go away
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After my last posts about how BBM affected me.....after a lot of though...it occurred to me why it could have caused such sadness in me and perhaps ,in others.When we read the SS and watch the film....is really only Ennis and Jack that we are seeing? Could it be, that we are seeing something of our selves? Lost loves, missed chances, longing and waiting for things to get better ...but they never do.?
A deep love that has to be kept away from others ...be it because of , class, gender or religion ? Do we subconsciously identify with these two boys? Are we seeing some of our own sadness's and heartache from within our selves up there on a screen or between the pages of a book ?
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After my last posts about how BBM affected me.....after a lot of though...it occurred to me why it could have caused such sadness in me and perhaps ,in others.When we read the SS and watch the film....is really only Ennis and Jack that we are seeing? Could it be, that we are seeing something of our selves? Lost loves, missed chances, longing and waiting for things to get better ...but they never do.?
A deep love that has to be kept away from others ...be it because of , class, gender or religion ? Do we subconsciously identify with these two boys? Are we seeing some of our own sadness's and heartache from within our selves up there on a screen or between the pages of a book ?
You bet!
“There’s a Chinese saying, that you throw a brick to attract jade. So it is that the most precious thing about filmmaking—the reactions of the viewers—is entirely out of the hands of the filmmakers. We set out to make one film with Brokeback Mountain, and in return, we got an overwhelming number of reactions that we never expected from moviegoers who saw themselves, or the other, or both, reflected on the big screen. There is a whole range of Brokeback Mountains, many of which are explored in the fascinating, sometimes contradictory, and always passionate essays in this book.”—Ang Lee, Academy Award–winning director of Brokeback Mountain
http://bbmfoundation.org/wordpress/?p=41
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God....sometimes I think I'm going crazy trying to analyze myself and this damn film. There are days when I wish I had never heard of it :(
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After my last posts about how BBM affected me.....after a lot of though...it occurred to me why it could have caused such sadness in me and perhaps ,in others.When we read the SS and watch the film....is really only Ennis and Jack that we are seeing? Could it be, that we are seeing something of our selves? Lost loves, missed chances, longing and waiting for things to get better ...but they never do.?
A deep love that has to be kept away from others ...be it because of , class, gender or religion ? Do we subconsciously identify with these two boys? Are we seeing some of our own sadness's and heartache from within our selves up there on a screen or between the pages of a book ?
We've all had disappointments, we've all had broken hearts.
We've all loved someone who didn't love us.
We've most of us made love with someone who was just fucking us.
We've everyone of us been betrayed by someone we have trusted.
And we've all been lonely children trying to find a source of love we can be sure of.
Is love possible? Are you there? Am I ready? Will I be able to do right by you if you come into my life?
Brokeback is the avalanche that happens to people who can see the answers in it.
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I really like what you said there, fofol.
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Thank you Donna.
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The archived video of the Beyond Brokeback performance in Laramie is here:
http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/13857579
fwiw
Greg would really love to hear comments about the performance. This is a work in progress and constructive criticism is welcome.
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Thanks John. I will take a look . I still cannot believe none of us thought to record the LA event. All we have are snippets.. Later, Vincent
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We've all had disappointments, we've all had broken hearts.
We've all loved someone who didn't love us.
We've most of us made love with someone who was just fucking us.
We've everyone of us been betrayed by someone we have trusted.
And we've all been lonely children trying to find a source of love we can be sure of.
Is love possible? Are you there? Am I ready? Will I be able to do right by you if you come into my life?
Brokeback is the avalanche that happens to people who can see the answers in it.
Wow, Mike!!!!
In a few short lines, you've epitomised it all !!!
This rings so true for me, on a profound level.
Thank you.
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"From "Brokeback Mountain" to "Beyond Brokeback" -- the long life of a short story
by Michael Shay of Wyoming Arts Council
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On Friday, as I drove the pass back to Cheyenne, I thought about the impact and mystery of the arts. I had just seen a staged reading of “Beyond Brokeback” at the Shepard Symposium for Social Justice at UW. “Beyond Brokeback” is another chapter in the story of “Brokeback Mountain,” a short story written by Wyoming writer Annie Proulx back in the last century. She wrote it in the mid-1990s and it made its debut in the The New Yorker magazine in 1997. It was in Proulx’s 1999 collection Close Range: Wyoming Stories. The first edition of the book featured illustrations by renowned Western artist William Matthews. A signed copy is worth a lot, I’m told by eBay.
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These were the voices of real people shaped by the art of a writer and told by actors and teachers and singers. They transformed the work. And it lives on.
What can be made of this long history of this short story turned script turned movie turned web site turned book turned script turned stage performance? It’s miraculous how one creative work can beget so many other creative works. The movie received most of the attention. But the saga now is entering another phase.
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full article:
http://hummingbirdminds.blogspot.com/2011/04/from-brokeback-mountain-to-beyond.html (http://hummingbirdminds.blogspot.com/2011/04/from-brokeback-mountain-to-beyond.html)
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It would be really great if people could reply to the article on the blog. Michael Shay is on the Wyoming Arts Council and is a great guy and a good friend of Greg Hinton.
As you can see, he loved the performance.
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Greg Hinton wants to take “Beyond Brokeback” to small towns and rural communities around the state that shaped him. His goal is to put scripts in the hands of teachers and ranchers and home-school moms and have them read the commentary from “Beyond Brokeback.” It would be entertaining and educational. It may open up a few minds.
http://hummingbirdminds.blogspot.com/2011/04/from-brokeback-mountain-to-beyond.html
This is what I always hoped for when we published the book. It needs to be more than just a vanity printing.
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Amen to that, John.
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http://hummingbirdminds.blogspot.com/2011/04/from-brokeback-mountain-to-beyond.html (http://hummingbirdminds.blogspot.com/2011/04/from-brokeback-mountain-to-beyond.html)----------------------------------------------------------------
It would be really great if people could reply to the article on the blog. Michael Shay is on the Wyoming Arts Council and is a great guy and a good friend of Greg Hinton.
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There are things for which the English language is unsuitable - perhaps there are no real words in any language to describe how I feel. I watched this movie for the first time a couple weeks ago and have been absolutely obsessed with it. I could not stop crying. I cried of and on at work the next day. I have watched it nearly every night for the last 2 weeks. Every sad song I hear is about Jack and Ennis. Reading this forum makes me cry. I fell totally, head over heals in love with Jack and Ennis and I feel their loss like an ache in my heart that will not go away. I feel so badly for Ennis - the look on his face in that last scene shreds me. I want so badly for a different ending - one where Ennis is not afraid and they 'ranch up' and live the remainder of their lives together. I thought the realism of their relationship was perfect, all of it, just perfect.
I cannot remember the last time I felt so completely shattered by a movie....perhaps never in my life. I don't really understand why but I am letting myself be haunted. It has awakened within me a desire to love more, be more available to the people that are in my life, to admit things to myself that I try to deny....this movie has done good things for me. I am married and I often defer to the task/duty at hand rather than spend quality time with my husband - I don't do that anymore. I tell him that I want him and love him more than ever and he has responded in kind. It has been a lovely few weeks in that aspect.
I think in essence this movie is about real love: life-changing, soul scorching love that one will find maybe once or twice in a lifetime and to turn away from it is tragic, no matter the cost - always move toward love.
Thank you for the warm welcomes...I feel like I have found a home here already!!
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Beautifully said, Rowan, and welcome to the Forum!
There are lots of kindred spirits here, trust me. ;)
HT
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Hey Rowan! Welcome to the Forum!
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Welcome to the forum, Rowan!
Glad you found us.
We all understand what you're feeling right now, we've all been there.
Please look around in the different threads, and take part in any discussion you feel like.
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http://hummingbirdminds.blogspot.com/2011/04/from-brokeback-mountain-to-beyond.html (http://hummingbirdminds.blogspot.com/2011/04/from-brokeback-mountain-to-beyond.html)----------------------------------------------------------------
It would be really great if people could reply to the article on the blog. Michael Shay is on the Wyoming Arts Council and is a great guy and a good friend of Greg Hinton.
It indicated that he has to approve each individual comment/reply? Or did I press something wrong?
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Fritz and Sonja said it perfectly.
Welcome to the forum, rowan!
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Welcome Rowan. :)
It says a great deal that so long after this movie first came out and having lived with it that someone can still be moved as we all were in the beginning. What a testament to the power of this wonderful and unforgettable movie.
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Amen to that, Andy :)
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It indicated that he has to approve each individual comment/reply? Or did I press something wrong?
Fritz just make your comment and post it and then he will approve it. That's the way we all did it.
Mine was approved in a few minutes.
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Fritz just make your comment and post it and then he will approve it. That's the way we all did it.
Mine was approved in a few minutes.
Ah! OK, thanks, Linda!
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It's like my blog. Sometimes I don't look at it for a few days.
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Thank you for the warm welcomes...I feel like I have found a home here already!!
Welcome to the forum Rowan!!
Some of the best posts are in the archived topics.
This is a good topic to read. The original "How Brokeback Affected Me" topic from 2005:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0
If new members have questions, try "New Members Ask - Experienced Members Respond "
http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=4687.0
We also have a site map here:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8878.0
You might also be interested in our book:
Selected from among the most compelling writing on The Ultimate Brokeback Forum, the stories in Beyond Brokeback: The Impact of a Film convey the remarkable power of the film Brokeback Mountain to affect the lives of all sorts of people—straight and gay, old and young, male and female—on six continents. Ranging from the amusing to the emotionally devastating, the pieces collected in Beyond Brokeback crystallize the deep, frequently life-changing reactions of its often-unsuspecting viewers.
http://www.davecullen.com/brokeback/book/
Finding Brokeback
In early 2006, as the Brokeback Mountain phenomenon swept the world, some remarkable things happened. One of these was the emergence of Dave Cullen’s Ultimate Brokeback Forum, an online resource for Brokeback aficionados to exchange experiences, ideas, and perspectives. The Brokeback Forum grew to more than 6,000 individuals who busily discussed topics ranging from Buddhist symbolism to exposed microphone cords, although most discussions dealt with the deep human side of the film and the remarkable feelings of pain, passion, fear, love, sadness, and hope it has engendered in us all.
One of these online conversations concerned travel to the film’s shooting locations in Alberta, Canada. Though a few news and Internet accounts provided some tantalizing clues to where some of the film’s scenes were shot (many of these reports later proved to be incorrect), there existed no reliable resource to guide Brokeback pilgrims to the Laundry Apartment, the Twist Ranch, the Childress Dance Hall, or even the Dozy Embrace site. This was plainly, as Jack would say, “a goddamn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation.”
Enter die hard Brokeback fans Jim Bond (born traveler), Rob Freeman (owner of Jack’s truck), Barry Gilligan (web guru), Steve Gin (Brokeback actor), Lauren Gurney (intrepid explorer), and Bob Sohomuch (map buff). Over the course of many emails, the notion emerged of a non-commercial website dedicated to helping Brokeback fans find these special places.
http://www.findingbrokeback.com
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Another welcome, Rowan. We understand :).
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There are things for which the English language is unsuitable - perhaps there are no real words in any language to describe how I feel. I watched this movie for the first time a couple weeks ago and have been absolutely obsessed with it. I could not stop crying. I cried of and on at work the next day. I have watched it nearly every night for the last 2 weeks. Every sad song I hear is about Jack and Ennis. Reading this forum makes me cry. I fell totally, head over heals in love with Jack and Ennis and I feel their loss like an ache in my heart that will not go away. I feel so badly for Ennis - the look on his face in that last scene shreds me. I want so badly for a different ending - one where Ennis is not afraid and they 'ranch up' and live the remainder of their lives together. I thought the realism of their relationship was perfect, all of it, just perfect.
I cannot remember the last time I felt so completely shattered by a movie....perhaps never in my life. I don't really understand why but I am letting myself be haunted. It has awakened within me a desire to love more, be more available to the people that are in my life, to admit things to myself that I try to deny....this movie has done good things for me. I am married and I often defer to the task/duty at hand rather than spend quality time with my husband - I don't do that anymore. I tell him that I want him and love him more than ever and he has responded in kind. It has been a lovely few weeks in that aspect.
I think in essence this movie is about real love: life-changing, soul scorching love that one will find maybe once or twice in a lifetime and to turn away from it is tragic, no matter the cost - always move toward love.
Thank you for the warm welcomes...I feel like I have found a home here already!!
Wonderful, Rowan, welcome to our forum.
We have all been where you are now, some of us always will be.
Brokeback changed our hearts forever.
There are some absolutely superb people here and you are with people who will help and understand.
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There are things for which the English language is unsuitable - perhaps there are no real words in any language to describe how I feel. I watched this movie for the first time a couple weeks ago and have been absolutely obsessed with it. I could not stop crying. I cried of and on at work the next day. I have watched it nearly every night for the last 2 weeks. Every sad song I hear is about Jack and Ennis. Reading this forum makes me cry. I fell totally, head over heals in love with Jack and Ennis and I feel their loss like an ache in my heart that will not go away. I feel so badly for Ennis - the look on his face in that last scene shreds me. I want so badly for a different ending - one where Ennis is not afraid and they 'ranch up' and live the remainder of their lives together. I thought the realism of their relationship was perfect, all of it, just perfect.
I cannot remember the last time I felt so completely shattered by a movie....perhaps never in my life. I don't really understand why but I am letting myself be haunted. It has awakened within me a desire to love more, be more available to the people that are in my life, to admit things to myself that I try to deny....this movie has done good things for me. I am married and I often defer to the task/duty at hand rather than spend quality time with my husband - I don't do that anymore. I tell him that I want him and love him more than ever and he has responded in kind. It has been a lovely few weeks in that aspect.
I think in essence this movie is about real love: life-changing, soul scorching love that one will find maybe once or twice in a lifetime and to turn away from it is tragic, no matter the cost - always move toward love.
Thank you for the warm welcomes...I feel like I have found a home here already!!
Oh yes, your words are OUR words...we understand,we truly do. You have to read the archives and such...
Welcome to our Forum...soooo glad you found us here.
Nellie
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Been there Rowan!! A warm welcome to the Ultimate BBM forum...
John
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welcome rowan, i hope you will find you way to the short story that inspired the movie. it is a masterpiece of terse prose. it is not as prettied up as the film, nor is the ending softened even the little bit that it is in the film, but it drew me up short as few work of art have. that was my stab in the heart.
BBM continues to inspire new art as a means of dealing the the feelings on leashed. both BEYOND BROKEBACK & brokeback from story to film were written to address its effect. you have enough expansion of the experience here to last you for years to come.
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Thank you all again for your warm welcomes and understanding. I was so undone by this movie that I searched and searched for a place to write down my heart-ache to someone who would understand and found this forum. I am so happy I found you all. It is truly amazing and inspirational what has and is happening here and I am learning a lot.
I have a lot I want to write down about how and why I think this movie affected me so. I am still gathering my thoughts and reading, reading, reading. This has been a wild journey for me so far...I am so glad I finally watched this movie but I have to admit I do not talk about it with anyone at work, any of my friends or even my husband. I think I feel a little ashamed that I am so obsessed. Besides that, my husband saw it and thought it was boring! I can't see how he could but we are not cut from the same cloth nor share a similar background.
Suffice to say I am glad you are all here....I am glad I found this place.
BAYCITYJOHN - thank you for the great links! I have been reading quite a bit and have found some of the most thoughtful, tender-hearted folks here, some with heart-wrenching stories of their own.
Jack - I have a copy of the short story on my way as we 'speak'...as well as an assortment of pictures, DVD and plans to by the "Beyond Brokeback" and "Brokeback from Story to Film" when funds will allow. I think it is official, I am a Brokie ;D
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We're always happy to welcome another Brokie! ;D
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We're always happy to welcome another Brokie! ;D
Yeah!
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Rowan, re your husband finding the film "boring." Years ago I gave a DVD of the film to a gay friend of mine. When I asked later what he thought of it, he said he fell asleep during it, fast forwarded through it and found it "boring."
Go figure!
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heathens!
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jakeaholics!
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Rowan, re your husband finding the film "boring." Years ago I gave a DVD of the film to a gay friend of mine. When I asked later what he thought of it, he said he fell asleep during it, fast forwarded through it and found it "boring."
Go figure!
**I remember hearing someone - don't recall who - say BBM was "boring".(!) I could have screamed. How can anyone find that beautifully written, acted, heartwrenching film such a thing? "You're crazy!" (I said to myself).
I've never recovered from the first time I saw it; and it effects me as much today as it did then. It hit my heart and head like a hammer.**
kathy
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**I remember hearing someone - don't recall who - say BBM was "boring".(!) I could have screamed. How can anyone find that beautifully written, acted, heartwrenching film such a thing? "You're crazy!" (I said to myself).
I've never recovered from the first time I saw it; and it effects me as much today as it did then. It hit my heart and head like a hammer.**
kathy
These people cannot open up their hearts or their souls to something as beautiful and as moving as this film just in case it makes them appear soft and sensitive.
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My name is Brandon and i recently saw Brokeback mountain in April 17th 2011.This film touched me so deeply i feel like it just reached inside me and just tore my heart out.I'm sorry for saying it like that but thats what i felt.Ever since i watched the movie i always think about it and i want to keep watching it over and over but it keeps making me sad,and when i don't watch it,i keep thinking about it and playing the scenes in my head.it has really affected my social life and how i interact with others.i feel like i can relate to it in some way.It also makes me feel really sad that their love was not meant to be in that time they were in.Also,what really gets me is that Ennis Del Mar was just left alone by jack in the ending and i think of it as jack made him gay and made him feel loved in his short time but now left ennis with nothing but memories and it makes me cry a lot knowing that.Ennis was the first person he really opened up to and he just died.It actually helps talking about this in a forum and i wish someone can reply (even though this is like soo late) i just want to know if anyone else feels this way please respond,anyone please?
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Hi Brandon . Welcome to the forum.
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Dear Brandon - just a quick first reply. There are so many people here who understand how you feel - your heart torn out. Please stay, look around and find out. You are not alone :).
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Brandon, I saw the movie back in 2006 and I had the same reaction. Many of us did. I saw it over 30 times in the theaters when it was out.
It is pretty late at night where I am, but we have members all over the world so if you come here late at night you'll find someone hanging around ;D
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Here's some tips for Brandon:
Some of the best posts are in the archived topics.
This is a good topic to read. The original "How Brokeback Affected Me" topic from 2005:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0
If new members have questions, try "New Members Ask - Experienced Members Respond "
http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=4687.0
We also have a site map here:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8878.0
You might also be interested in our book:
Selected from among the most compelling writing on The Ultimate Brokeback Forum, the stories in Beyond Brokeback: The Impact of a Film convey the remarkable power of the film Brokeback Mountain to affect the lives of all sorts of people—straight and gay, old and young, male and female—on six continents. Ranging from the amusing to the emotionally devastating, the pieces collected in Beyond Brokeback crystallize the deep, frequently life-changing reactions of its often-unsuspecting viewers.
http://www.davecullen.com/brokeback/book/
Finding Brokeback
In early 2006, as the Brokeback Mountain phenomenon swept the world, some remarkable things happened. One of these was the emergence of Dave Cullen’s Ultimate Brokeback Forum, an online resource for Brokeback aficionados to exchange experiences, ideas, and perspectives. The Brokeback Forum grew to more than 6,000 individuals who busily discussed topics ranging from Buddhist symbolism to exposed microphone cords, although most discussions dealt with the deep human side of the film and the remarkable feelings of pain, passion, fear, love, sadness, and hope it has engendered in us all.
One of these online conversations concerned travel to the film’s shooting locations in Alberta, Canada. Though a few news and Internet accounts provided some tantalizing clues to where some of the film’s scenes were shot (many of these reports later proved to be incorrect), there existed no reliable resource to guide Brokeback pilgrims to the Laundry Apartment, the Twist Ranch, the Childress Dance Hall, or even the Dozy Embrace site. This was plainly, as Jack would say, “a goddamn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation.”
Enter die hard Brokeback fans Jim Bond (born traveler), Rob Freeman (owner of Jack’s truck), Barry Gilligan (web guru), Steve Gin (Brokeback actor), Lauren Gurney (intrepid explorer), and Bob Sohomuch (map buff). Over the course of many emails, the notion emerged of a non-commercial website dedicated to helping Brokeback fans find these special places.
http://www.findingbrokeback.com
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Thanks,BayCityJohn and Cally
It really helps to know that there are people out there that feel(felt) the same way i do.
I am 17 years old and that movie just opened up a new personality of mine that i am just beggining to discover.
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Welcome Brandon. You're in the right place here. Have a look around and see how many folks share your reactions and feelings about this wonderful movie. :)
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Brandon, I hope it's affected your social life in a good way. :) I guarantee that everyone on this forum has had the same or a similar reaction to yours and we all felt relief to discover we weren't the only ones coming away with from the movie with these feelings. Many people just needed confirmation of that and didn't linger here, but others of us find ourselves still hanging around five years later because, despite our differences in age, sex or background, we share this experience of being touched by the movie in a mysterious way. For most of us, hardly anyone in our daily lives has reacted to it the way we have. Thank god for the internet, otherwise I would have been afraid I was crazy!
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You sure have come to the right place, Brandon!! Welcome aboard!
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What they said, Brandon. Welcome home.
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Thanks to everyone.And to Chapeaugris,yes the movie has affected my social life in a good way :)
It also changed how i see life now.Life is too short to not take any chances and to dare yourself to things you never would have thought of doing.
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Just be yourself, Brandon. No performances to fit in with others, just be absolutely true to yourself. Then those who love you will love the real person and just accept you for what you are.
It took me about 50 years to realise that.
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Hi Brandon, and welcome to the forum!
I'm glad you found us, you're among likeminded friends here.
We all reacted to the movie the way you did, with immense sadness and life changing insights.
You may find that you have nobody around you to talk to about the movie, because nobody reacted the way you did, and don't understand you at all. On this forum you're among friends who all understand, because we've been there ourselves. So feel free to look around, and take part in any discussion you wish to. You're welcome here!
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Hello Brandon..... so good to see you here on our very own mountain. Never be afraid to express how you are feeling here. Never be afraid of shedding a tear here. We know where you are coming from. We have all been there and some of us , like me , are still out there ,in the mountain wilderness still trying to get a handle on "this thing". I watched the film and a year or so passed by but it haunted me night and day. I needed someone ....something to exorcise these ghosts. I came here .I'm still working on it......don't think I will ever be free.......not that I ever want to be.
Welcome ...... take a seat and make yourself at home.
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This is really great and I am grateful that there are people here that understand what I'm going through.I was at the park today and my friend Blanca wanted to know why I've been so depressed and gloom these weeks and i almost told her about the impact the movie had on me but i decided not to tell her because she would just think its a silly reason to be upset for.She has never seen Brokeback Mountain so I don't expect her to understand what i am going through.In some sense,i DO regret seeing BBM but in another...I don't.It has shown me that love can be gentle,rough,and sad at times.I wish i could find love one day,just like how Ennis and Jack found love,that is what makes me very sad.It's funny really...Before BBM i had no intrest in living the cowboy life...but ever since i watched the movie ive been wanting to live in wyoming or texas in the future.I feel very relieved about talking about this to other people who understand.Thank you so much.Also,BBM had me thinking about being masculine to find love out there,still in progress but i thank that movie so much.
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to those who are shocked that some find brokeback boring i will say this, how many of you will say you find ALL of shakespeare boring? given the breadth and depth of what is in the shakespearean oeuvre, i find this statement incomprehensible, yet many people will say this, including, no doubt, some of you outraged citizens. is it comparable, not really, but it does bring home the point that there is no accounting for taste. none.
i have one otherwise intelligent friend who simply refuses to even look at a shakespearean rendering, even those adapted to modern tastes. i am mystified at his truculence.
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I'm not very shocked to find out that others found BBM boring.Especially within the straight community.But everyone has different taste in movies but to those who couldn't get "in" to the movie,It just keeps me wondering...how could that movie not affected you or touch you in a mysterious way??
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As far as BbM being boring, to some, I find that plus no other reaction, to be strange, yes.
But I had both reactions. I went with a friend, late in it's run (March of '06), and, given all the feeding frenzy in the press, I sat there through the first half, wondering when it would ever...get started. And, for whatever reason, I found the vast mountain vistas, and the slow pace, threatening. I even kidded about it seeming to be "Boring-Back Mountain." But at the same time, it had knocked me down, and key scenes had stuck a dagger into my heart. And I was altered. And scrambled to get other friends to go to the last few theaters, some far out (for me) in distance, to see it again and again before it was gone. I only managed, though, to see it once more. Luckily, the DVD was out very fast, given that it's run was over.
It was, then, in the discussion threads on the forums, that I realized the technique. AP's casual drawing in of her readers, slowly, only to knock them down, and then return to that very slow pace, as if nothing had happened. Building the tension to the incredibly tormenting ending. And the screenplay writers, consciously or not, had, IMO, followed AP's technique.
So, boring? Maybe better said, deceptively lulling the viewer or reader into a placid state, thereby the better to take them unawares. We should remember, we look back knowing all that happened and all it meant. I believe most of us did not know, that first time, anything.
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People who think Brokeback is boring or indifferent don't upset me at all. Nor those who don't like it.
We all have different tastes and opinions in the first place, and people react differently to any film they see. (and everything else too, for that matter)
But Brokeback isn't a mere question of taste. Those of us affected by it, were hit on a profound emotional level, beyond our immediate intellectual understanding. It has nothing to do with "like" or "dislike", and is not subject to our conscious mind or will.
Something deep within us responded to the movie, and sent us on an emotional wallop, beyond our control.
I see it as a gift given to me.
The movie did not speak that way to everybody who saw it. Nobody knows why, just as we don't know why some of us were so heavily impacted.
My personal theory is that we are somehow damaged by life (someone said "chipped goods"), and the movie met some deep emotional need within us that we weren't even aware of ourselves. The movie came as a liberator, and helped us to open up to those closed off parts of ourselves. I once read in a post that Brokeback "unveiled a well of sadness". Those words really resonated with me.
The way I see it, those who are not hit by the movie that way, simply don't have the emotional pre-requisite or need for it.
For them it's just another movie, and they evaluate it as any movie. And of course some of them will find it boring, and others will dislike it. Just like any film.
However, most people I've talked to said they really liked it, and some even saw it again. But they weren't hit by it like we all were.
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...
I am 17 years old and that movie just opened up a new personality of mine that i am just beggining to discover.
17!
there are 17 mountain ranges mentioned in annie proulx's bbm story.
there are seventeen letters in the title, "brokeback mountain"
seventeen letters in "ang lee" and "heath ledger" (lol)
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ftaxine.com%2Ffullerspicer%2Fbbm1643.jpg&hash=febe744b4abd4783c7ab6791a36219272836c179)
welcome to the forum, Brandon<-Name
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But I'm still puzzled why I wasn't 'hit' by it the first time I saw it, though very moved - but then got a serious case of the disease the next time, about 2 years later. And I think something similar has happened to others too.
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Maybe it's also a matter of timing. That you're somehow ready for the movie at this very point in your life.
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Perhaps.... I suspect I'll never know.
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to those who are shocked that some find brokeback boring i will say this, how many of you will say you find ALL of shakespeare boring? given the breadth and depth of what is in the shakespearean oeuvre, i find this statement incomprehensible, yet many people will say this, including, no doubt, some of you outraged citizens. is it comparable, not really, but it does bring home the point that there is no accounting for taste. none.
I find your comment really funny....I hated Shakespeare until I got older and started smoking weed, then all of it made sense and I was obsessed with Shakespeare and pestering my friends to go to plays with me. Go figure.
My husband thought BBM was boring but he never watches love stories anyway so I am not surprised he did not find it interesting. He wasn't turned off by it, he is very open-minded that way, it was just a boring love story to him.
People who think Brokeback is boring or indifferent don't upset me at all. Nor those who don't like it.
We all have different tastes and opinions in the first place, and people react differently to any film they see. (and everything else too, for that matter)
But Brokeback isn't a mere question of taste. Those of us affected by it, were hit on a profound emotional level, beyond our immediate intellectual understanding. It has nothing to do with "like" or "dislike", and is not subject to our conscious mind or will.
Something deep within us responded to the movie, and sent us on an emotional wallop, beyond our control.
I see it as a gift given to me.
The movie did not speak that way to everybody who saw it. Nobody knows why, just as we don't know why some of us were so heavily impacted.
My personal theory is that we are somehow damaged by life (someone said "chipped goods"), and the movie met some deep emotional need within us that we weren't even aware of ourselves. The movie came as a liberator, and helped us to open up to those closed off parts of ourselves. I once read in a post that Brokeback "unveiled a well of sadness". Those words really resonated with me.
The way I see it, those who are not hit by the movie that way, simply don't have the emotional pre-requisite or need for it.
For them it's just another movie, and they evaluate it as any movie. And of course some of them will find it boring, and others will dislike it. Just like any film.
However, most people I've talked to said they really liked it, and some even saw it again. But they weren't hit by it like we all were.
The 'unveiled well of sadness' - that phrase just hit me and made me start tearing up a bit. That is it, that is what it opened up in me for certain. The 'opening of closed off parts of ourselves' - yes. I was so heartsick for Jack and Ennis and yet the more I read on this forum how it affected others the more I started looking at those parts of my life I have walled off because the memories are too painful. Personally, I identify with Ennis - he lived a lonely life, his parents were not there for him, he is living his life the way he is supposed to because he does know anything different....
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Personally, I identify with Ennis - he lived a lonely life, his parents were not there for him, he is living his life the way he is supposed to because he does know anything different....
Even though I am female ....I also idetify with Ennis. I have cut out memories that are too hard to think upon. The wounds still open and not healed.
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**BBM is just so very sad. The emotions I experienced have not left me. Emotions of sadness, regret, loneliness, the true and enduring love between E&J with that everlasting bond, and the tragedy of the whole story - how it could have been so different! Forgive me for repeating myself - it hit my heart and head like a hammer.
I loved it then, I love it now, and I always will. Everything came together to create this beautiful and groundbreaking classic film. AP, Larry's and Diana's screenplay, Ang's direction, HEATH and JAKE as E&J - so enormously important; etc., etc. - create a masterpiece.**
kathy
p.s. I love Shakespeare. How anyone can say this forever genius' work is boring (along w/those that say BBM is "boring") never fails to mystify or shock me. I know they are completely different things, but it just seems unbelievable.
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Hi Brandon...welcome to our Forum,it is now YOUR Forum !! Looking forward to chatting with you some more.
Nellie..
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Welcome Brandon. Very good to see you here. Hope to do so more.
Thanks for coming here and for posting. :) :) :)
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Even though I am female ....I also idetify with Ennis. I have cut out memories that are too hard to think upon. The wounds still open and not healed.
^^^^^^^^
Oh god..... Me too.....
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I need to start this post by saying a huge thank you to Dave Cullen for making it possible for people to air their feelings over what is quite possibly the cinematic event of the century. THANK YOU!
I have been a quiet observer of this website along with the other well know fan/info sites dedicated to BBM. I saw the film in Prague whilst on holiday in March 2006 (I live in the UK) and from that night on this beautiful film has tugged at my heart for various reasons.
At first I wasn't sure why I found the film to be so prominent in my mind but as time has passed all the jigsaw pieces slowly fell into place and it is only now that I am able to fully understand.
I am a happily married man with a beautiful 10 year old son. For most of my life (6 years old - present day, 40 years old) I have had a 'secret' side to my life which no-one knows about and was only able to express this about once a week whilst away on business and the very occasional weekend. I won't say what it is in black and white as I am not sure its appropriate but it involves me having an alter ego of the opposite sex!
This has brought many trials and tribulations to my life over the years and this is where BBM comes in. I, like Ennis and Hack have a secret which no-one knows about, am somtimes ashamed about and sometimes do crazy things to try and stop but I can't! This is because the attraction is too strong and nothing can stop me from expressing this side of me. Ok so it's not a love affair with another human being but it is a love affair with my alter ego!
It affects my relationship with people, not least my wife and sometimes brings out the worst in me, especially when I am restricted and can't spend time as the other me. It also provokes thoughts as to how my life would be different if I had taken another path and would it have meant me ultimately becoming someone else.
As it turns out I chose the other life and so many aspects of how I live now are amazing. My son is disabled and never fails to amaze me how he takes on life with such courage and enthusiasm in the face of huge physical challenges is very humbling and I love him more than words can say. My wife is beautiful and I am lucky to have found someone who can put up with me and my mood swings! This doesn't change the fact that not a day goes by when I don't think about elements of my other life.
There are a few lines from the film which I can relate to, not least being 'Brokeback got us good' and 'truth is, sometimes I miss you so much I can hardly stand it'
Ayway that's my stoy, hope it wasn't too boring
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Welcome to the forum, Chris!
Or rather, welcome out on the forum!
I'm glad you finally decided to de-lurk, and tell us your story. (def NOT boring!!)
I'm sure you already know this place real good, so no introduction needed.
I'll just say that now that you've finally told us who you are, I hope you'll continue to take a more active part here.
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Welcome Chris,
Hope you opening up a little on this Forum has helped you in some way. Nothing shocks us here, nobody holds any judgement over people.
Hope you feel at ease discussing anything on our many threads here.
Let BBM bring you some peace of mind.
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It affects my relationship with people, not least my wife and sometimes brings out the worst in me, especially when I am restricted and can't spend time as the other me.
Spoken as a true Ennis. No surprise that the film resonated with you. Welcome, and thank you for telling us your totally not boring tale!
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Welcome, Chris! Happy you could see your way to joining us. And NO BBM tale is boring! :D
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Thank you all for your incredibly kind words, as wierd as this may sound I feel I am among very good friends.
Look forward to more to putting more feelings into words!
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Welcome to the forum Chris!
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Thank you all for your incredibly kind words, as wierd as this may sound I feel I am among very good friends.
Look forward to more to putting more feelings into words!
May I add my welcome to you Chris. And thank you for posting.ANYTHING but boring.
Hope you'll feel at home here. Looking very much forward to seeing more of your posts.
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Welcome Chris. Nice to have you here.
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Having put this post on I felt the urge to watch BBM again yesterday (I watch it about once a month...at least!) and like so many people on here each viewing brings out new emotions.
It has got to the point where I can't even watch the first 90 seconds (just as Jack pulls up in truck) without being overcome with emotions! It is almost unbelievable that a film can do this to someone and is a great accolade to the writers and Ang for capturing everything just right.
I really want to have a BBM 'pilgrimage' type trip to the locations in Alberta but money won't allow this (at least not at the moment). I have to say though I am dismayed when I read that some of the local residents were against the nature of the film as I find this kind of predujice wicked and evil.
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There will be a trip to Alberta end of July, Chris. You are very welcome to join, if you have a chance.
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=36613.msg2075184#msg2075184
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Thanky for the kind invite but alas I will be financally recovering from a Florida Holiday, not to mention a 40th Birthday Bash!
I WILL go one day!
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There will be a trip to Alberta end of July, Chris. You are very welcome to join, if you have a chance.
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=36613.msg2075184#msg2075184
Can't you change it to September 2012 ?? !!
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Can't you change it to September 2012 ?? !!
The date is set according to the Rockyford Rodeo where the rodeo scenes were shot, so I guess for that reason September is not an option.
2012? Who knows what'll happen. So far there's been Alberta trips organized by BM 2007 and 2009. And now another one. So every other year seems to be growing into a tradition. :D
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Thanky for the kind invite but alas I will be financally recovering from a Florida Holiday, not to mention a 40th Birthday Bash!
I WILL go one day!
I'm sure there will be another chance for you to go, Chris!
Considering how long this madness has been going on already (5+ years!!!), I'm sure brokies will continue doing pilgrimages to Alberta.
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The date is set according to the Rockyford Rodeo where the rodeo scenes were shot, so I guess for that reason September is not an option.
2012? Who knows what'll happen. So far there's been Alberta trips organized by BM 2007 and 2009. And now another one. So every other year seems to be growing into a tradition. :D
I just asked 'cause I am going back to Alberta in Septemebr 2012. Doing what we did last time ....touring in an RV. Would looove to meet some Brokies.
Oh well :'( (sue sighs ) !
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Sometimes there are little private trips to Alberta too, and I think the people from EnnisJack also organize trips.
So if you look around, maybe you'll find some travel companions. I hope you do, it's a very special experience to
share with fellow brokies.
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But I'm still puzzled why I wasn't 'hit' by it the first time I saw it, though very moved - but then got a serious case of the disease the next time, about 2 years later. And I think something similar has happened to others too.
cally, i am often a cheerleader more for the short story than for the film. in many ways i appreciate the film not as the revelation itself, but for the opportunity it gave several young actors, carefully chosen by ang lee, a chance to show the world what they were made of, and what acting CAN be when practiced at its highest levels. there are sections of that film that should be taught in every acting class, so understated and yet charged with emotional energy they were. it was acting that any serious playwright would have been honored to be gifted with, and annie said as much.
all of the above ranges a bit off topic, but the point i INTENDED to make was that when i first read the short story, it registered as excellent short story writing, after which i continued living without interruption. when i REREAD the story to refresh my memory prior to the films release, but after its casting, i had had many more years of my own life under my belt and the end of the story, much bleaker as written, consumed me with grief, for those boys, that man, and myself. it wasn't until reading the posts above (with still more years and experience especially with the forum and its readers) that i saw the parallel between my experience with the written word comprehension and that of others with delayed reaction film experience.
i knew there was a reason i keep reading the histories here!
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Hello friends,
I wanted to share a love story between 2 people I have known for 22 years of my life.
My sister-in-law and her husband,Ken
I never saw two people so in love in all my days,they did so much together,had two boys who were taught right from wrong in ways most parents wouldn't think of. Ken showed them first hand how to drive,the do's and don't's,how to drive on ice and what to do in case you lose control of the car ...so many example's. His oldest son 19 and youngest just 16. Taught them about dating and all that good stuff. My sister -in-law would roll her eyes many times often giggling thinking Lord knows what the conversations were like,but she trusted him.
She has many stresses in life dealing with the cooperate world,being one of the top people in charge of a major food chain company from around the world. Traveled so much that Ken had to ,or CHOSE to quit his job to take care of the boys. They had such an understanding,such a trust in each other,always knowing what the other was doing even though they were miles and miles apart. The boys would say "gross" or "ewww" every time they would see their dad chase their mom and tackle her down,giving her kisses and tickles..as they grew older they would catch themselves smiling thinking to themselves I"m sure..."I want to be as happy as them."
Ken's family were part of a suburb in Illinois that started out with their family,they helped build it to what it is today. His father owned the waste management business and had his two boys run it. When Ken's father died 8 yrs ago he sold the business..he didn't want his sons working so hard like he did. He wanted them to go to college and be whoever they wanted to be.
Ken wasn't just a husband and father to his family,he was a friend ,a brother and a father to many. My sister-in-law was so proud of him and was looking forward to retire soon so she can spend the rest of their lives together.to grow old together,travel some more. They didn't have any regrets,they spent many times talking on the phone,meeting for lunch,texting when they can,any moment they had they thought of each other.
I remember when Brokeback came out and I was in this cloud. Everything was Brokeback to me. Ken would quizz me. He couldn't understand this movie and it infuriated me to no end. He'd let out this big bubbly laugh,knowing he was getting to my head....but he listened . I'd tell him about why this movie had such an impact to me and so many others. About not having no regrets and live and love like today was going to be your last day. I know he understood...it took me awhile to realize, but HE was living and loving like today was his last day.
Thursday night Ken died,he was only 55 years old. Hours before he died,he called his wife 2 or 3 times. The sound in his voice was happy she said. He told her he loved her and that was the end of his last thoughts. She will cherish that forever.His boys will know what true love was between their parents and their affections.
I'm not giving this story any justice ,it would take hours of writing to really sum it all...but I often think of what the meaning of Brokeback was....what message it was giving us all and I look at the relationship my sister-in-law had with her husband...they lived to the fullest to the end. Now she must be alone with all these thoughts . In his memorial service Tuesday,she told us all how she had no regrets,they lived a happy 21 years together. They did it all. She never had a "what if"
I just wanted to share a little something about a great man ,and I'm so proud to have known him, to have loved him like my very own brother. And about my sister-in-law who showed to me what strength really is,the understanding she had for him during rough times,their acceptance towards each other and the respect they had for one another.
More and more of us have to live like this and more...I hope we all can say that we are,or at least we're trying.
Thanks for letting me ramble
Nellie
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A beautiful, sad, happy story about a wonderful man :'(.
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Thank you so much, Mcnell. When people ask me why I stick around on a Forum about an old movie - soon to be six! - I tell them that Brokeback is a real-life portrayal of what happens when you ignore the idea behind that old Tim McGraw song, Live Like You Were Dying. Your sister-in-law's husband left no one with regrets about his life - other than there should have been more of it...what a great gift to the world!
Peace and love to you sweet heart. Thank you for taking the time...
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Hi all (again!)
Its Chris (my story is on page 219 of this thread) and I am posting from sunny florida where we are holidaying. As I from the UK it is amazing to at least be on the same piece of land-mass as Alberta, Canada even it it is still 1000's of miles away.
One day I will get there, I am sure of it.
Oh and by the way, watched Wall Street (Money never sleeps) last night and discovered a song by David Byrne called 'Home' which is part of the OST. I have absolutely no idea why but when I listen to it (I have played it over and over again today) I feel the same sort of emotions that I get when watching BBM. Found the lyrics on the web and they are certainly touching.
I invite people to check it out and see if they get the same 'vibe'.
Over and out for now friends
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Hi all (again!)
Its Chris (my story is on page 219 of this thread) and I am posting from sunny florida where we are holidaying. As I from the UK it is amazing to at least be on the same piece of land-mass as Alberta, Canada even it it is still 1000's of miles away.
One day I will get there, I am sure of it.
Oh and by the way, watched Wall Street (Money never sleeps) last night and discovered a song by David Byrne called 'Home' which is part of the OST. I have absolutely no idea why but when I listen to it (I have played it over and over again today) I feel the same sort of emotions that I get when watching BBM. Found the lyrics on the web and they are certainly touching.
I invite people to check it out and see if they get the same 'vibe'.
Over and out for now friends
Just to say ....I love that song.....and I have been to Alberta and believe me ....it does not disappoint. Do try to go there....but don't do it by train...hire an RV ......to me ..it's the only way to see it and get to places that you feel no one has been before. And go and seek out the locations where "our" film BBM was made. It's almost like coming "Home" .
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A beautiful, sad, happy story about a wonderful man :'(.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
What Sara said (((((Nellie))))
Thank you for sharing it here.
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I love someone I can't ever have.
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I love someone I can't ever have.
Same here. Mine was so boldly out of the closet before his time, I'd have liked nothing better than to shove him back into it. I'm glad I'm older and wiser now, but the love and loss is still as strong as ever.
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Howdy! I haven't been on in a long time but I was graduating high school, moving, trying to get into college (now if only they'll send me the "official" acceptance letter).
Anyways, since watching Brokeback for the first time:
I came out of the closet to the surprise and disbelief of many. My mother and father don't believe me, they think it's a phase.
I have moved to a small town (16 thousand. Small to me.) and it's full of religious people. Not a good place for a little lesbian gal like me. And I am also the only person in town with rainbow hair.
I did successfully graduate high school, got a good GPA.
I have not found my Jack, only an Ennis. I guess I am Jack, so eager to jump into it and I scared my Ennis away. But other than a very non-existent love life (I'm only 18, so it's not bothersome.) and no friends (this town is too tight-knit!) I have been doing art. And more art. If anyone is interested, go to deviantart.com and type in passthepickles. I have a Brokeback picture up.
Oh dear, I rambled. I'm sorry.
Pickles :)
(PS: Ugh, sorry if that message is confusing.)
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Howdy! I haven't been on in a long time but I was graduating high school, moving, trying to get into college (now if only they'll send me the "official" acceptance letter).
Anyways, since watching Brokeback for the first time:
I came out of the closet to the surprise and disbelief of many. My mother and father don't believe me, they think it's a phase.
I have moved to a small town (16 thousand. Small to me.) and it's full of religious people. Not a good place for a little lesbian gal like me. And I am also the only person in town with rainbow hair.
I did successfully graduate high school, got a good GPA.
I have not found my Jack, only an Ennis. I guess I am Jack, so eager to jump into it and I scared my Ennis away. But other than a very non-existent love life (I'm only 18, so it's not bothersome.) and no friends (this town is too tight-knit!) I have been doing art. And more art. If anyone is interested, go to deviantart.com and type in passthepickles. I have a Brokeback picture up.
Oh dear, I rambled. I'm sorry.
Pickles :)
(PS: Ugh, sorry if that message is confusing.)
Welcome back, ptp! Congratulations on graduating and good luck with your college application. Hope it'll be a more congenial and accepting atmosphere for you - and I'm sure it will be for the rainbow hair :D. Meanwhile stay and chat here. :) :) :)
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Welcome back, PTP!
Congratulations on your graduation!!!! Please keep us updated on your college applications and successes there too!
As for your parents, thinking it's a "phase" is common, just give them time to adapt to their new reality of you, and be patient.
As for your lovelife, you have a good attitude, you are only 18 and things will develop in time!
Use the internet to your advantage......search for gay groups in or near your zip code. You may be surprised.
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I came out of the closet to the surprise and disbelief of many. My mother and father don't believe me, they think it's a phase.
Before joining this forum 5 years ago, I might possibly have had that reaction if either of my daughters had come out to me. (Now they are old enough that it seems fairly unlikely to happen -- though you never know). I've found this particular blog, http://borngaybornthisway.blogspot.com/ very enlightening and educational. You might find a story on there that mirrors your own that you could show your parents, or submit one yourself and tell them it's you.
Good luck with everything. I'm sure wonderful things will happen once you go away to college.
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Howdy! I haven't been on in a long time but I was graduating high school, moving, trying to get into college (now if only they'll send me the "official" acceptance letter).
Anyways, since watching Brokeback for the first time:
I came out of the closet to the surprise and disbelief of many. My mother and father don't believe me, they think it's a phase.
I have moved to a small town (16 thousand. Small to me.) and it's full of religious people. Not a good place for a little lesbian gal like me. And I am also the only person in town with rainbow hair.
I did successfully graduate high school, got a good GPA.
I have not found my Jack, only an Ennis. I guess I am Jack, so eager to jump into it and I scared my Ennis away. But other than a very non-existent love life (I'm only 18, so it's not bothersome.) and no friends (this town is too tight-knit!) I have been doing art. And more art. If anyone is interested, go to deviantart.com and type in passthepickles. I have a Brokeback picture up.
Oh dear, I rambled. I'm sorry.
Pickles :)
(PS: Ugh, sorry if that message is confusing.)
I checked out your pictures!! you're very talented....I loved them!
Hang in there kid, believe in yourself always...trust your instincts and allow your parents to take it in on their time...it will all come to play soon enough...concentrate on school and the rest will come naturally...
Nellie
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I love you all, this forum is like coming back home :) Thank you for the site, chapeaugris!!
Aaaaand: I GOT INTO COLLEGE! I had my first day of classes today and I did not see any pretty girls... Yet. *crossed fingers* But there's a girl I know who I'm really interested in, she's pansexual and so gorgeous and amazing and... Okay, I'm going to stop now before I start day dreaming too much.
Thanks for all the congrats and welcome backs ;D They make me happy.
And gay groups in my zip code... Well, I'll try. I'm hoping Nevada State has a pride club of some sort. I don't know about gay groups in this little town, it's been taken over by the Mormon Mafia :o
Pickles ;D
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wow!...I am back on!...couldn't remember my password and finally got it!!...I saw BBM in 2008 and instantly fell in love!..I've been obsessed since and I've been unable to get back on here to join in on the fun.. I posted back then about the impact this movie has had on me, and how much I love knowing that I am not the only one who is so affected by this story! Three years later and I'm just as crazy about it!!! I still have not met anyone who is obsessed with this movie/story the way I have been. I have a DVD player in my car and I listen to the movie while I am driving!!...Along with the soundtrack (which is amazing!)..and have read the short story..over and over....I just love it..cannot get enough....
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Welcome back, am. :)
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Isn't it great ? !! New....and almost new folk.....coming back *home*. Welcome. :-*
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Welcome back AM! Great to see you!!!!
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Thanks so much guys!...I really feel, as I am sure you all do, connected to you all...as we all have been touched so deeply in a way that only we understand :)
I love reading this blog,.. I tear up, smile/laugh, and so often say..."yes, me too!" .. I so much want to share what I feel, but to talk to other people about BBM...it's.. just a let down I guess....They appreciate the acting and say it's a great love story, but only like they are talking about other movies.. Then I read this blog and I'm saying...Yeah!!! You get it!!..I'm so happy!...I knew I couldn't be the only one!! And to know that based on our backgrounds this movie has affected us in different ways...yet the same.....
Thanks for reading/listening!...There really is no one else I can talk this way to, I am almost embarrassed....only close people in my life know about my BBM obsession, and they really don't know that half of it!....I'm glad that I have found a place I can come to where I can just say anything!!...even if I sound a little nuts!!....<HUGS> to all!!
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Then I guess we all sound a little nuts here, am. And in some case, more than others. :D
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Then I guess we all sound a little nuts here, am. And in some case, more than others. :D
Not me...I'm perfectly SANE!!! lmao ;)
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Yeah, right! ;) :-*
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Is the original (part 1) "How Brokeback Affected Me" still available some where?
I would like to start at the beginning again. I just reread "Reactions to Brokeback by Freinds and Family" and it was pretty powerfull still. I want to experience the Winter of 05 again.
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It's in the archive section, and you can find it here.
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=101.0
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Woo Whoo!!! Thanks much.
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^^^^^^^^^^
Have just been reading some of the very first posts on this thread shown above.^ I am married with a lovely family...... yetI still feel the same emotions of people who posted. Some times loneliness , a longing and a kind of searching feeling ..... even after nearly 6 years. Some days it really drags me down.
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I doubt these feeling will ever go away Sue and I for one am glad of it. It serves to remind me of my own mistakes and, hopefully, avoid those of the future.
And I almost don't want to analyze it because somehow, that intellectualises it and I kinda like the raw emotion of it all, though of course, edges are somewhat smoothed down now. But the impact remains the same and I reckon the movie version will always take pride of place on my shelves.
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But the impact remains the same and I reckon the movie version will always take pride of place on my shelves.
I feel the same way, Andy.
I was talking about this with my straight friends once, and one of them said "I've never had a movie affect me the way this one has affected you." and I replied with "Well, maybe you just haven't seen the right movie yet." She thought a second and said "Naw, I don't think there will ever be a movie that does to me what Brokeback did to you."
I didn't say so, but I thought that was sad.
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I feel the same way, Andy.
I was talking about this with my straight friends once, and one of them said "I've never had a movie affect me the way this one has affected you." and I replied with "Well, maybe you just haven't seen the right movie yet." She thought a second and said "Naw, I don't think there will ever be a movie that does to me what Brokeback did to you."
I didn't say so, but I thought that was sad.
But I would never have believed it could happen to me. And I'm so glad it did.
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I doubt these feeling will ever go away Sue and I for one am glad of it. It serves to remind me of my own mistakes and, hopefully, avoid those of the future.
And I almost don't want to analyze it because somehow, that intellectualises it and I kinda like the raw emotion of it all, though of course, edges are somewhat smoothed down now. But the impact remains the same and I reckon the movie version will always take pride of place on my shelves.
-I second that.
Although, I've analyzed and analyzed the story/movie from every possible angle I could dream of, yet after all this I still find my spirit *longing* to assist or encourage people who are in situations similar to the characters in the story.
After the long years have passed since experiencing the loving 'spaciousness' of BBM, I can safely say that "new-found" awareness is not likely to ever go away. And I think that if you are an empathetic-type person, you are unlikely to lose touch with that part of you that responded to the story, either: From what I can tell, the connection is permanent.
I think Annie Proulx indirectly summed it up, in a TV interview, when she indicated that the 'Mountains/Wyoming' had become as much a part of her as she of it, that even if she left, the soul of the place would continue to dwell in her heart... I feel the same way about BBM -- I can 'move away' but I'll always have it with me.
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-I second that.
<snip>
I feel the same way about BBM -- I can 'move away' but I'll always have it with me.
Yep...for me too!! it's a gift I will cherish forever!! I feel blessed to have gone thru this with all of you!
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I feel the same way, Andy.
I was talking about this with my straight friends once, and one of them said "I've never had a movie affect me the way this one has affected you." and I replied with "Well, maybe you just haven't seen the right movie yet." She thought a second and said "Naw, I don't think there will ever be a movie that does to me what Brokeback did to you."
I didn't say so, but I thought that was sad.
Sad but true, huh?
I don't suppose any of us could stand up in front of the world and successfully teach what we've all experienced. It's something that is in you at the time or not. We're all fortunate insomuch as we all had our hearts and minds in just the right place at just the right time. We couldn't have engineered it, could we? Bit like love between two people really. It requires a chemistry that we didn't bring with us from school or buy at any counter. Amazing, really. But it does leave me sad when folks just don't get it... sad for them and sad for this world.
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But I would never have believed it could happen to me. And I'm so glad it did.
What Sara said.
Never in a million years would I have imagined anything like the Brokeback fever happening to me.
And I feel so fortunate it did. It's like a gift, I'm so grateful it happened to me.
Like Andy said, the edges are somewhat smoothed down by now, the feelings are not as intense any more. I somehow miss that, the rawness of it. But the impact remains, and the whole wonderful Brokieverse that I'm a part of and that is such a big and important part of my life. I can't even imagine anymore what my life would be like hadn't i seen BBM.
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Sad but true, huh?
I don't suppose any of us could stand up in front of the world and successfully teach what we've all experienced. It's something that is in you at the time or not. We're all fortunate insomuch as we all had our hearts and minds in just the right place at just the right time. We couldn't have engineered it, could we? Bit like love between two people really. It requires a chemistry that we didn't bring with us from school or buy at any counter. Amazing, really. But it does leave me sad when folks just don't get it... sad for them and sad for this world.
Agree with you on everything, Andy, except the bolded. I don't think there is anything to "get". I didn't "get it" either, it got me. It's not an act of free will, or like we had a choice. It just happened, out of the blue. It's sad that not everyone was hit like we were.
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I'm glad I'm not the only one who still feels "it". Sometimes I feel so stupid . I want to sit (my hubby in particular so we could share this feeling) someone down and try and explain how it affected/affects me. The sadness, and some joy.The utter helplessness of Ennis and Jack How it was other peoples prejudices that helped crush a love that should have been allowed to blossom and grow. It's up to us in the real world to help open eyes and minds.Love comes in many different guises.Who are we to say which is right and and which is wrong. I wish I could say all of this out loud.
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I used to want to try to tell people about the movie, how good it was, and why, etc, etc. But when it turned out that they didn't see what I saw, or feel what I felt...when they would say "yeah, it's a good movie" or worse, "I get it, ok? It's sad."
We're the lucky ones, I feel. I hope I never lose my feelings about this book and film...for sure they are not as sharp as they once were...that is good and bad. It almost felt good to hurt...it felt good to understand... *shrug*
It just does
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**I truly believe the enormous feeling and impact Brokeback Mountain had on me will never go away, and I really do not want it to. It hit me so hard on the head and in the heart that I was really amazed. I couldn't get it out of my mind then and I can't get it out of my mind now. (This is the beautiful film I'm talking about). Oh, I liked the ss too but it will always be the film for me.
It seems that everything/everyone came together to make such a great film. And the chemistry between the boys is like lightning. Of course, the story is a tragedy and no matter how much we want to make it completely happy for E&J, we know what is coming. And it is so sad.**
kathy
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Check my picture text.... ;)
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Geaux John and Chuck!
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I feel so sad today....I have been training this lady at work for a month now and we are slowly getting to know each other. She's very nice and we crack up at stuff all day long....for some things she's just like me...
well today for some reason we were talking about things,and Jackie (PaintedShoes) came up...I told her about her story and how we met...how this Forum existed because of the movie Brokeback...I told her how it brought so many of us together...and changed so many lives..etc...I didn't give her great detail...just the basic in case.,testing her..she looked at me....than she told me she saw the movie...and said, "yeah, whatever...it was OKAY"....
OKAY!?!?!? just fucken okay?!?!?! why does this still upset me?
I've had so many things happen to me and this movie has helped me recover and to this one person it was just OKAY?
I know not everyone can GET IT...I UNDERSTAND that...but chose different words...why do people still just say...it was okay...or it was stupid...or it was just about 2 gay cowboys!!!!
WHY!?!??!
I'm losing my mind right now and maybe its because I'm feeling a bit vulnerable... I just found out some bad news about my dad today and I'm hoping once again that the strength that came from this movie and this Forum will once again lift me up and keep me focused on what's important. That feeling sorry for myself is NOT an option ...living your life to the fullest is...and being there for your family IS important...and what ever happens next will be the best last days my father will have with his family....waiting for tomorrow may not be wise...for you may not ever have tomorrow
Nellie
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^^^^^
Those are the ones I tell about the movie and how brilliantI believe it is and how it has changed my views on a lot of things in life....they just naturally assume I'm twisted in some way >:( Nice >:(
ps. Nell.....Hope the problem with your dad can be sorted out soon. :-*
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(((((Nellie)))))
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Monday after work I went to my mom and dad's house for a short visit. I try hard to make it to church on Sundays at my parish near my old house..which happens to be a few blocks from my parents in the city (Chicago)...so...since I didn't go to church I figured, well, let me say hello...lately over the course of a few months I have been getting "feelings"...thoughts of my parents getting older and you just never know when the good Lord will take them and having that "what if" will haunt me yet again....I learned from Brokeback that I will try very hard not to have any "what if's" in my life...we have all had one too many of those..
I asked my 2 kids to come along since it was Columbus Day and they didn't have school...I got off work early...all day long I had this aching gut feeling...didn't sleep well...my kids being teenagers had their little plans and didn't go with...the drive there felt long and I was a little disappointed that my kids didn't come...my dad opens the door and for the first time I felt this need to hug him...I always do...but this time was different. He looked weak...tired...at 82 he drives all over town...very active...strong...in fact that morning he was telling me he was lifting 50 lb bags of cement and fixing some steps out back...seriously?....he than tells me that on Tuesday he has an appointment to get a colonoscopy (sp)? ...was drinking this nasty crap that made him run to the bathroom every 20 minutes...was pissed that it was interrupting his plans...looking at my mom and seeing in her eyes , only told me one thing...worry...I didn't know he was going for this test...it was routine I suppose..I told my co-worker yesterday morning that I felt like something was going to happen...I felt change...wasn't sure of what...people joke and always call me Witchy Woman cuz I believe in spirits and ghosts and dreams...white magic runs in my family...my dad's sister was big time into all that stuff..my cousin...us Island people are like that I guess. ::)....so I'm often teased that I think too much or cross bridges before I get there..
..when Brokeback came out that December '05..I would see the trailer...just the very first words would give me chills..the soundtrack was chilling....I KNEW it was going to change my life..I was afraid to see the movie...why? Afraid of how my life would change? what direction? how silly was that? how can ONE movie change the way I think? re-wire my brain,my thoughts?...stupid right?
Because of this movie...which took me a couple weeks to finally go see...I learned to deal with pain differently...I learned to accept things...I learned to face my fears..my past...to cry....I can't even tell you...but you already know because of this Forum...people like you....are people like me....and we connected..in the beginning of this Forum as we got to know each other and talk about our lives,our pasts,trying to understand this movie and why it haunts us...we all would come to this thread..."How Brokeback Affected Us"...and vent as I am doing right now...we were obsessed...
I come and go in this Forum...I can never leave...I am a veteran I guess..and once again I try to look into this movie of ours what we have all learned and what we try to use as a guidance of some sorts...
Today I find myself back in here...in this thread...my pain will not go away as I try to tell you that the one man of my life growing up may die....my father...his tests came back and they're bad...we don't know how long we have ...thoughts of Jackie come to play...how fast we lost her...we didn't have time...I felt cheated of a friendship
He fought in the Korean war..a Marine...strong and brave.....his birthday is on Veteran's day..(Nov.11th) how appropriate I would say..he will be 83..will he make it for Thanksgiving? Christmas?...my God the thoughts going thru my head...I feel like running...screaming....Why? visions of Ennis rush thru my head....crying
I'm so dramatic.........feeling foolish for writing all this...but knowing deep inside you all would understand for I learned by being in here that YOU will never judge...YOU will never say "shut up Nellie," ...right? well, maybe Chucky will.....lol...I'm sorry Chuck..you know I always have to give you shit
I'm telling you a story of a man I had always looked up to...as a small child I would follow him everywhere trying to help him garden, paint,do anything around the house..his middle child of 4 kids,he always said I was different ...I was the only one that looked like his mother,who had died of cancer when he was just 6 years old. Was I his favorite? I would never ask...now I am finding ways to say things to him that I would never have ...I would always put off for tomorrow...afraid or embarrassed...
I never feel alone here.....yet so many of you have left this Forum...some have died...ugh...life moves on....
Thank you again for letting me vent......letting me cry on your shoulder ..and understanding that I need to come here or I will burst!!
Nellie
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I'm so dramatic.........feeling foolish for writing all this...but knowing deep inside you all would understand for I learned by being in here that YOU will never judge...YOU will never say "shut up Nellie," ...right? well, maybe Chucky will.....lol...I'm sorry Chuck..you know I always have to give you shit
:D :D :D :D
Nellie, you are not dramatic. That was a heartfelt and difficult post to write, and I'm honored that you trust the Brokies so much that you feel you can come here and share with us this way.
Please know that you always can, and you will always have our support and love.
:-*
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Haven't had the pleasure of much contact with you Nell...but be assured my prayers and hopes that all may be well... are with you. :-*
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Thoughts and prayers from me too, ((((((((((((Nellie))))))))))))
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^^^^^
Those are the ones I tell about the movie and how brilliantI believe it is and how it has changed my views on a lot of things in life....they just naturally assume I'm twisted in some way >:( Nice >:(
**I believe the ones I know assume the same thing about me, suely. They wouldn't have "gotten" the film then, and they will/would never get it. It's truly their loss.**
kathy
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Myself, I've given up on suggesting the movie to others. But I do know it is still being discovered, on cable and DVD's, and the intense reaction from some still does occur. I have to wonder, though, if, as more progress is made on gay issues, the focus will more and more shift to a love story, the difficulties of life, intense character studies, and grieving.
Might be a good Topic of the Week: will the gradual acceptance of gay issues tilt the perception of succeeding audiences away from AP's Rural Destructive Homophobia and more towards a story of two men? How will future generations be affected, when the RDF would be a sub-theme, perhaps, similar to the arcane feuds forming the basic foundation of Romeo and Juliet?
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**I'm not sure. AP stressed the aspect of destructive rural homophobia in BBM so much.**
kathy
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PMd you (((((Nellie))))) :-*
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((((((((((((((((Nellie)))))))))))))
We are here for you.... you are very much in my thoughts and prayers.
:-* :-* :-* :-*
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Thank you so much....tomorrow I go with him to see the doctors...
Keeping positive!!
Nellie
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Will think of you and your family tomorrow, (((Nellie))).
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Thank you so much....tomorrow I go with him to see the doctors...
Keeping positive!!
Nellie
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Nellie))))))))))))))))))))))) !!
Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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Will be thinking of you tomorrow Nellie. You and your family will be in my prayers tonight.
((((((((Nell and Family))))))))
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Thank you so much....tomorrow I go with him to see the doctors...
Keeping positive!!
Nellie
Thinking of you today...
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Sending you strength and love today, Nellie!
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They gave Brokeback on TV last night....<sigh>
Nothing's changed...my heart strings were pulled just the same...the only difference was knowing Heath is gone made it all much sadder ... :'( :'(
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**I watched my BBM DVD again last night. Gosh, what an everlasting impact. I just cried again.**
kathy
p.s. I cried for Heath too. He should be here...
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(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ftaxine.com%2Ffullerspicer%2Fbbm1705.jpg&hash=df15cca6e25dc5c02eb7e74774d699f50fc49909)
i will never understand how anyone could watch
brokeback mountain and say, "errr, it was just okay."
did they really watch it? were they distracted? it's just insane.
hugs to nellie, and everybody else who feels the same way WE do.
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What Jimmy said.
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I will never recover from the sheer heartache and sorrow this story/film has bought to me. It may have opened my mind to be more accepting of people..... to help me appreciate the ones I love and to tell them I love them.....but the sadness I feel is so deeply buried inside me...I feel there will never be an escape. So I am going through my life with a heart as heavy as lead....with a smile on my face. It's just a film....they say .
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**What jimmy, julia, and suely said.**
kathy :'(
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I've been asking myself why Brokeback affected me this way for years now. I still haven't really recovered from its effects and I've found myself crying inside for our boys more often than I care to admit, even in very recent times. But I just came across this interview again, of Ang Lee talking about Brokeback in the Focus Features website http://tinyurl.com/6jb7e6w, and I think that what he said has very much to do with what I've been feeling since my first viewing in March 2006.
“Probably in the city now, gay men don’t have confusion, but in the setting of the story, the two men, especially Ennis, have no vocabulary, no understanding, of what they are experiencing. And when Ennis finally does understand, it is too late. He has missed it. That makes the story really poignant. To me that is also a universal feeling — that we have missed something.”
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That whole interview, which I'd never seen before, was really interesting. I was struck by one comment in the very last paragraph:
"At the first public screening in Venice, I was surprised. The feeling was a lot warmer than I expected. Going in, they were calling it a gay cowboy [story], and then they stopped and started just calling it a love story. One pretty conservative person found it disturbing because he didn’t feel that there was anything wrong when he saw the tent scene."
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Thank you for re-posting that interview, Kim.
I was so interested to hear that Ang based the Twist ranch on paintings by Andrew Wyeth. I have posted here a couple of times a photograph that Mouk took of the house in Lightning Flat that is said to be the one that was the inspiration for the Twist house, (even though Annie Proulx denies having ever been there), and its amazing similarity to the house in Wyeth's 'Christina's World.'
I wonder if Ang Lee visited it in his location scouting expeditions?
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This was a very interesting interview.. not sure how I missed it earlier. Thank you for posting it.
A couple of the lines are tantamount to why I believe so many of us have such strong ties to the film and story.
Later, Vincent
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I wanted to thank you all so very much for your thoughts and prayers, for they have surely helped...
According to the cat scans my dad's cancer hasn't spread and they will operate December 1st....keep your fingers crossed at his age any operation can be serious!!
God Bless!
Nellie
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On another note....
After seeing Brokeback so many times....one of the messages for me was don't wait too long before it's too late to do something about it...
something like that
I'm so close to jumping into something different...don't know what yet but I remember Jackie once telling me once she quit that job she always hated....JUST DO IT, NELLIE!! it feels so good....God...
I know I'm not being specific....so much going on...I'm at my wits end,that feeling of drowning is happening to me again...ugh..what to do :-\
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On another note....
After seeing Brokeback so many times....one of the messages for me was don't wait too long before it's too late to do something about it...
something like that
I'm so close to jumping into something different...don't know what yet but I remember Jackie once telling me once she quit that job she always hated....JUST DO IT, NELLIE!! it feels so good....God...
I know I'm not being specific....so much going on...I'm at my wits end,that feeling of drowning is happening to me again...ugh..what to do :-\
Your heart and your guts are already giving you the answer, Nellie. And Jackie, too :-*
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I wanted to thank you all so very much for your thoughts and prayers, for they have surely helped...
According to the cat scans my dad's cancer hasn't spread and they will operate December 1st....keep your fingers crossed at his age any operation can be serious!!
God Bless!
Nellie
That sounds quite promising, Nellie, and they seem to operate on the elderly very successfully these days, too, so hopefully everything will be OK.
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According to the cat scans my dad's cancer hasn't spread and they will operate December 1st....keep your fingers crossed at his age any operation can be serious!!
I will keep my fingers crossed for you and your Dad.
Good luck, Nellie.
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I wanted to thank you all so very much for your thoughts and prayers, for they have surely helped...
According to the cat scans my dad's cancer hasn't spread and they will operate December 1st....keep your fingers crossed at his age any operation can be serious!!
God Bless!
Nellie
My fingers are crossed for you and your dad ((((((((Nellie))))))
You are in my thoughts and prayers!
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Thinking about you with love and keeping you and your dad in my prayers
(((((((((((((((((Nellie))))))))))))))))) !!
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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ATTENTION AJ, WHEREVER YOU ARE
Hey AJ, I know you cancelled your membership and there hasn't been a peep out of you in over 8 months. It's been a hyper-busy year for me and I've pretty much faded away from the forums. It was a time and a place in my life I'll always look back on as the catalyst for great changes that are still playing out in my life, and you were really big part of that, Buddy, and I mean directly. I wish I had an email or phone number where I could tell you just how much has happened that I attribute to you--I'm living in your home state, for starters.
It was just about five years ago that I read Roots and fired off that email to you, setting in motion our many discussions (and arguments!). I learned a lot from you, and not just how to leap back and forth from crude 19th century drovers' idiom to soaring alliterative prose in the same sentence, or that the Glanton Gang was real. It's because of you that I took that big professional step that we discussed, and that I have the complete works of Cormac McCarthy on my bookshelf, to name just a couple of ways in which you impacted my life, and I know I was far from the only one. I know several of the gentlemen miss you too.
I know you had your reasons for abruptly disappearing last spring, and I hope your're safe and well, wherever you are. I hope you pop up again one day, and I have a feeling if you do, you'll somehow know where to find us in that uncanny way you have ;)
Crow
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ATTENTION AJ, WHEREVER YOU ARE
Hey AJ, I know you cancelled your membership and there hasn't been a peep out of you in over 8 months. It's been a hyper-busy year for me and I've pretty much faded away from the forums. It was a time and a place in my life I'll always look back on as the catalyst for great changes that are still playing out in my life, and you were really big part of that, Buddy, and I mean directly. I wish I had an email or phone number where I could tell you just how much has happened that I attribute to you--I'm living in your home state, for starters.
It was just about five years ago that I read Roots and fired off that email to you, setting in motion our many discussions (and arguments!). I learned a lot from you, and not just how to leap back and forth from crude 19th century drovers' idiom to soaring alliterative prose in the same sentence, or that the Glanton Gang was real. It's because of you that I took that big professional step that we discussed, and that I have the complete works of Cormac McCarthy on my bookshelf, to name just a couple of ways in which you impacted my life, and I know I was far from the only one. I know several of the gentlemen miss you too.
I know you had your reasons for abruptly disappearing last spring, and I hope your're safe and well, wherever you are. I hope you pop up again one day, and I have a feeling if you do, you'll somehow know where to find us in that uncanny way you have ;)
Crow
Ditto Crow.
271horses is a man among men and very missed.
Brad
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I just wanted to add as well...this post was one of AJ's last posts.....I'll never forget it...I miss him too.
I first came to this Forum through my writing and Jackie was one of my first encouragers, and we exchanged a few PMs back in the summer of '06. It tickled me to see her avatar as she looked like my toughest college writing teachers; I think she got a kick out of that when I told her.
Due to personal circumstances, I was never able to participate in any of the Forum get-togethers and so I never got to meet her in person, but I know she came to mean a great deal to a couple of the few members I did become close to, and generally seemed to be held in high regard by folks who otherwise seemed to have little in common, something that to me speaks highly of a person's character.
By last autumn, I had pretty much faded away from the Forum altogether, but, though it had been over a year since we had exchanged PMs, she still took the time to remember me and send me her good wishes for a happy Thanksgiving. It was a tough time for me, with a lot of family and health issues occupying my mind back then, often a couple weeks going by between me checking in here.
I'm ashamed to say Jackie's PM fell by the wayside and I never got around to responding. I had no idea she was even sick, and must of thought in the back of my head I'd get back to her when I made some more progress on that chapter I owed her. As it was I discovered the sad news of her passing too late, and purely by accident.
I will always bitterly regret not taking those few minutes to remember someone who had kindly remembered me, ironic considering what brought us here in the first place was a tale of regret and no second chances.
Dear Lady, I never knew you in this life, and now I never will. Forgive my stubborn pride. I know you would have and you do, and that makes it hurt all the more.
Rest in Peace.
AJ
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Nice to see you too Brad...miss you in this Forum ;)
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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Myself, I've given up on suggesting the movie to others. But I do know it is still being discovered, on cable and DVD's, and the intense reaction from some still does occur. I have to wonder, though, if, as more progress is made on gay issues, the focus will more and more shift to a love story, the difficulties of life, intense character studies, and grieving.
That was always how it struck me, and why it struck me so much. A love story, the difficulties of life, intense character studies, and grieving.
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Today 6 years ago. The day our lives changed, I guess.
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/brokeback-mountain-premieres
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6 years?
Hard to believe...
Thanks for pointing it out, Jules!
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Today 6 years ago. The day our lives changed, I guess.
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/brokeback-mountain-premieres
6 years?
Hard to believe...
Thanks for pointing it out, Jules!
Yup! 12/6/2005 was the NYC premier of Brokeback Mountain.
Six years ago today.
And it's still making headlines!
Here's The Top Grossing Venice Golden Lion Winners
by Peter Knegt
indieWIRE has a new weekend feature: A retrospective box office chart, based on a debuting indie release or a current event on the international film scene. Today, iW is taking a look at the track record of Venice Film Festival's Golden Lion winners, in honor of the ongoing edition of the festival.
Listed below are the top 10 grossing winners of the Golden Lion, which is a juried prize handed out to the best feature film at the festival. For those currently in competition at the festival, it suggests winning the top prize doesn't exact translate into cash money: Only two winners have ever grossed over $15 million dollars.
Ang Lee's "Brokeback Mountain" is far and away the top grossing Golden Lion winner, taking in $83 million back in 2005 (or $101.3 million if adjusted for 2011 inflation).
http://www.indiewire.com/article/heres_the_top_grossing_venice_golden_lion_winners
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**How wonderful to read these posts! Six years ago it premiered in NYC. It doesn't seem that long.
Notice the difference in top grosses between Brokeback Mountain and the one (#2) below it. And adjusted for inflation - wow.
I love it.**
kathy :)
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Howdy, everyone! I haven't been on in a long time so... I guess I'll give you an update on my life since BBM?
Well, I'm a gay gal who's dating (wait for it) a cowboy. He's the only man I have ever found attractive, ever wanted to do anything other than be friends with. So he's my only exception, I guess. His name is Bobby, funny huh? I can just imagine him as being Jack Twist's son with his big, blue eyes and being a rodeo man. He gets hurt all the time in rodeo, too.
I'm falling in love with him, I know it. It's a long distance relationship (about 530 miles between us right now), which really kills my heart sometimes. He also is really up and down with certain things. He's got the looks of Jack Twist but the personality and heart of Ennis Del Mar. He's so closed off, I don't know what to make of him.
So I found my Ennis, of a sort. I wish he was more Jack than Ennis so I wouldn't feel like my mind is being screwed and my heart being torn apart daily. I can finally, really know what Jack felt. I can understand his pain, because I'm living it right now. I know I'm young, it can get better, but right now it's just so hard.
It's hard being so far from Bobby and then, when I see him at rodeos, being so close and unable to do much because his mother and father hate me. I'm not "traditional", I don't "act like a woman". I have rainbow hair and want lots of tattoos.
So I'm with my Ennis. "With" him. With is a loose term, really lose. It's our "official" one month today and he hasn't talked to me at all.
Anyways, the rest of my life: Got straight As in my first ever college term, I found horses to ride and work with, and I'm happy that Christmas is coming up. I might even drive up the 10th of January to see Bobby. That is if he ever bloody talks to me.
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i hesitated to speak, but decided, what the hell. as a veteran of 2 ennis's 30 years apart i have trod these trails before. in brief, if you decide to ride a while with these cowboys and they with you, relish what you have while you have it, but try not to invest your very soul. they are constitutionally incapable of giving love in equal measure, and there will come a time when you will realize that half a loaf is NOT better than none, it is just that, half a love, half a life, and either you, or they will decide to move on. i have some big bootprints on my heart, but these men are the closest i ever came to a real love, and i have no doubt, with good reason, that both loved me the best they could.
if you still have the choice, back away now. if not, you will be stuck humming whitney huston's i will always love you for the rest of your life.
ps, they will eventually marry someone wildly inappropriate making both of them miserable.
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i hesitated to speak, but decided, what the hell. as a veteran of 2 ennis's 30 years apart i have trod these trails before. in brief, if you decide to ride a while with these cowboys and they with you, relish what you have while you have it, but try not to invest your very soul. they are constitutionally incapable of giving love in equal measure, and there will come a time when you will realize that half a loaf is NOT better than none, it is just that, half a love, half a life, and either you, or they will decide to move on. i have some big bootprints on my heart, but these men are the closest i ever came to a real love, and i have no doubt, with good reason, that both loved me the best they could.
if you still have the choice, back away now. if not, you will be stuck humming whitney huston's i will always love you for the rest of your life.
ps, they will eventually marry someone wildly inappropriate making both of them miserable.
Thank you so much for your advice to me and your words of wisdom :) I should back off, but I keep seeing the man underneath that I know is there and ready to love. I think that I'm too late for really backing off, I have fallen pretty hard and didn't watch for what I was falling for.
I'm young still, I think I'll learn from my mistake. But maybe he won't be like Ennis and I won't just watch him drive away.
I hope.
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Hi PTP! Good to see you here!
Oh, to be 19 again... *sigh*
I hope you have a wonderful holiday!
:-*
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did i really write that ^^^ ?? :o
damn, that was well written. and its still all too true.
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did i really write that ^^^ ?? :o
damn, that was well written. and its still all too true.
Very well written :) And very true.
Bobby is a pain in the ass and completely an Ennis. Completely. I like to think it's just the long distance, though.
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repost from another thread:
Hi all. my real name is Richard, but I go by ny nickname "Knudt", so please call me that. I'm a "young" 55 yrs old, from Dallas Tx where I've lived the past 30 years.
I saw the movie 1st time New Years Day, and ain't been the same since. I sat in the theater till all the credits rolled by in a state of shock and grief. Not in my entire life has anything cum near to affecting me quite like this movie. How the hell could a "Movie" do this ta me. Going home I didn't say a word to nobody. Then I went out to the backyard so's I could be by myself and let it all loose. I broke down in tears, and cried like a baby fur 10 minutes. So far I seen it 5 times and still cain't get thru it without tearing up. I figured I wuzn't the only one, so that night I searched the internet and stumbled across yu guys. I been lurking here fur the past two months, but never had the nerve to post anythin til now. At least I know I'm not crazy judging by the size this group has become. Yu been a lifesaver. Yur posts are so well thought and intelligent and a pleasure to read. I might a been OK afterwhile, but without y'all I sort a doubt it. Most o my friends have seen the movie but maybe 'cause of their younger age, or upbringing, they just cain't relate to it like me.
I grew up during the 50's and 60's out in the Texas Panhandle (Amarillo). relatives were farm and ranch people in West Tx. or up in Nebraska. My folks loved the mountains and we spent a lot o time camping out in the Rockies and the Tetons. But closer to the story, my ole man must a been scared ta death that I'd grow up to be a sissy (the only boy with 3 sisters) 'cause he wuz hell-bent on makin a man out o me. From early on ever' summer I c'n remember I got sent to one our relatives farms either in W Tx or Nebraska. I grew up knowin how to bale hay, run the tractor, work with live stock and ride horses. I ain't exactly a cowboy now but I c'n identify with them guys. I wuz forced to play sports, wuzn't too bad, but didn't love it. In the long run though, I'm very thankful now fur that part o my upbringin'.
To top it all off, I had a strict church upbringing - a lot o' which I'm not so thankfull. At some point without really understandin' what it meant (and no one willing to explain it to me in a serious conversation) the word "homosexuality" wuz mentioned. O' course in school yu damm sure didn't want the word "homo" or "queer" tagged on to yu - and guys sniggered about it and cruelly cat-called those names out to just about anybody they could tease and get away with it. I had a vague idea that it wasn't somethin yu wanted to be. But thinkin on it years later - hell - based on my experiences with a lot a guys at jr high school age - If "queer" or "homo" meant what they said - then I reckon half the boys in the whole damm school would a qualified at some point.
But the good honest church people said it wuz wrong wrong wrong, and yu'd go ta hell fur it. Ta this day I cain't understand why the people in this country are so hung up on sex. I guess it should come as no surprise what with bein' constantly surrounded by these well meaning do-gooders out ta save souls for Christ - who believe it's their God given mission ta straighten us gay boyz out. But these same bible bleating, intolerant, pietistical self-righteous prigs - are also the same folks that keep insisting we're lucky to live in a free country. Well - that is ta say - a free country so long as yu ain't gay. Nonetheless, for all their preachin' I always knew there was somthin different about me 'cause I just never liked the girls (in that way) as much as the boys - and they weren't likely ta pound it out o me neither. Actually when I was about 15, I was caught "doing" it with a neighbor boy, and got hell from my ol' man , and worse for years ta come.
When I finally got away from home and went to college I still had these feelin's without understandin' much 'bout it. I thought I was jus' goin' thru some "phase" and if I prayed hard enough it would go away. Of course peer pressure dictated I had to date girls and go thru some mindless simulation pretendin' I liked it. For some stupid reason (I cain't imagine how in the world) I almost got married. But by pure chance (lucky I guess) got out of it at the last minute by joinin' the Navy. Well, we were smack dab in the middle of the Viet Nam War and wuz about ta get drafted anyway. Yu betcha' the Navy was an eye-opener.
Thank god I didn't git married but with a lot o heartache and pain managed to figure out I wuzn't th only one in the world like this. I came slowly out of the closet when I wuz about 24 yrs. A great weight was pulled off o' my shoulders. Unfortunately, accepting what I am and living the lifestyle ain't always been pretty. Besides all the lost lovers and broken hearts I've gone thru, I've also been arrested and beaten up by the cops for bein gay, gay-bashed in a park about 20 years ago, an been discriminated against in the job market many times if it was ever discovered.
I'm over the moon with with the add effort and the money that wuz raised to confront the Oscar snub. My god - that's impressive. My hat's off to ya'. I'll pro'ly never cetch up with yu guys, especially the founders, with all the posts but I'll try to contribute if I think I got somthin' worth reading. Thank you all so very much for bein' here - .
Knudt / Dallas Tx
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^^^^^^^^^
That's an impressive and moving first post!
Thanks for digging it up, Jimmy!
Wonder how/where Knudt is now?
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did i really write that ^^^ ?? :o
damn, that was well written. and its still all too true.
I love you, Jack.
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I really do :)
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Yesterday
My jet redlined it across Wyoming
West past Lightning Flat
Racing twilight across snow meadows
Far above Don Roe's empty cabin
Far above small herds of light
Ten Sleep (Signal)
Worland
Riverton to the south
Sage beyond
"Old Brokeback got us good..."
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Hi everyone, first of all really pleased to be here (been reading on my phone for a few months) and am on my son's laptop while he is on holiday!!
I live in the UK so will probably not be posting the same time as most of you.
Simply have to say BBM is certainly the best film I have seen for many years, saw it on release (shown in our local cinema just before the Oscar awards). I lived then in Norwich, Norfolk - a smallish city in very rural surroundings, but quite a cosmopolitan place.
Screenings were packed for days and had to pre book. Saw it on a Sunday evening, full theatre. We have a great radio film review show in England which pretty much set the scene so knew the basic story, hadn't read the book at that stage.
From the first minute it was obvious this was a classic piece of cinema from a respected director. I was blown away by the scenery, looked like our bonnie Scotland on acid. Wonderful. I have seen from reading many opinions on here that more than a few of you considered the first part of the film to be slow, to me it was crucial in setting the mood,and it's my favourite part of all, especially the growing bond between Jack and Ennis.
Transfixed doesn't even begin to justify the impact that first part of the film had on me, simply stunning storytelling with acting so natural and sublime - have to especially rate JG here who for my money is one of the best actors around today. All actors probably have one defining film and this was to become both his and also Heath's.
Was crying from well before the first tent scene, from the swap in roles at the campsite it was obvious what was going to happen and skillfully built up and directed by Ang Lee. Some others would have made it crass - not him. Second tent scene has to be defined as one of the greatest love scenes of all time surely. How anyone watching could have no tears flowing I can't imagine. Ennis sitting on top of hill after being told their job was over was heart rendering. Everyone surely wanted to weep for him.
During the film (I went alone - much easier to enjoy films, at least serious ones when able to concentrate) you could tell it was affecting those present. Yes, a few walked out, all men. But there was no laughs at all (as has been mentioned by several people) just a sort of stunned concentrated silence, and like me a few people just crying.
It was just like that, all the way through, particularly tough during Jack dancing with Lureen (those soulful sad eyes! God) and the classic lines telling Ennis he missed "loved" him. I don't think I have ever missed anyone like that. Wow, so sad and tragic, why was life like that - so recently in the past.
I can't say I ever warmed to Lureen at all and for me Anne Hathaway is the major flaw in the film, but I cried for poor Alma, so out of her depth with a man who just couldn't communicate his feelings to anyone (not even Jack).
The whole film is a triumph, not just of the central themes of love, fear and prejudice but the success of it has surely encouraged others to make serious drama instead of the usual
blockbusters which are not worth a viewing most of the time.
I sat there during all of the credits, not alone in that either, I can't remember anyone either talking or messing about during the film. Let's face it, it's a difficult watch, unless you are completely heartless you can't help but be affected. The skills of Ang Lee and Jake and Heath made you forget you were watching anything approaching controversial - it was a love story pure and simple and made better by the fact it wasn't going to be happy ever after.
Not sure as I am English of the impact it's had in the States but it certainly was well received over here, yes there is prejudice here but I cant recall it not being shown anywhere and it was given rave reviews pretty much everywhere.
Have now got the DVD and watch it often. It's so good, and you add to your understanding of it on every viewing. The subtle symbols by Lee, the authentic feels of the period. Wonderfully done. This is acting of the highest calibre and they both should have been awarded oscars.
Just brilliant, doubt anything will ever have the impact on me as BBM has.
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Welcome to the forum, Jane!
Nice to have you here. :)
Since you've been lurking for a while, you pretty much know what's going on here. Plenty of threads on various topics, some BBM related and some not.
Please join in the discussions that interest you. We're always glad to have new people contributing!
If you stay around, you'll make great friends here!
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Yes! Welcome to the Forum, Jane!
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Hello, Jane - welcome from another Brit. :) Thanks for describing your reactions so well. I really love the time on the mountain too - absolutely not too slow. Look forward to seeing you in the threads.
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Welcome, welcome Jane. I am so very glad you decided to start posting here!! It is so wonderful to 'meet' new Brokies and to join them in their love of this totally amazing and life changing movie. Your descriptions and reactions to the scenes are described so well and brings back meany memories for me!
I do hope you will post more and share more of your thoughts with us!! looking forward to hearing more from you!
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It is so gratifying to see how our boys and our beautiful film, everything about it, are so greatly loved and appreciated.
So many people all over the world will have this opinion their entire lives. I am one.
kathy :-*
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Hello Jane, and welcome to DCF!
Always great to meet a new Brokie! ;D
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A very warm welcome to this forum, Jane!
And thank you for your great post, thank you for coming here. For me too reading it brings back memories. I hope to see you again in different threads.
:) :) :)
Mia - from Sweden.
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and another one bites the dust, so to speak... you are definitely one of us, welcome. (although i think you weren't meant to like lureen, so anne hathaway was imo very much equal to the role and to the other actors, excepting heath ledger, who so internalized the role it was painful to watch.
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Yes. Heath is perfection plus in his Ennis.
Whenever I think of him, I always tear up. Damn! He should be here.
kathy :'( :-*
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Welcome, Jane-UK! Transfixed is the exact word I used to describe me at my first half-dozen veiwings of the film. I saw it once in a theatre (had to be told the show was over, it's time to leave), bought the disc immediately, and continue to watch. See you around the campus!
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Welcome, Jane - from another Brit (Isle of Wight).
It's always so good to hear of other's experience/reactions to our beloved movie. Like jack, I reckon Hathaway did an excellent job of Lureen. I wonder, was your reaction to the character or the actress, or both?
If you've been around since the original screening then you may well have discovered all the many threads here. There are some that after all this time I haven't stepped foot in. Hope to see you in some of them. :)
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Welcome to the forum, Jane! :) :) :)
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If you've been around since the original screening then you may well have discovered all the many threads here. There are some that after all this time I haven't stepped foot in. Hope to see you in some of them. :)
and some i don't think i could bear to revisit.
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Quote from: andy on April 02, 2012, 01:23:39 PM
If you've been around since the original screening then you may well have discovered all the many threads here. There are some that after all this time I haven't stepped foot in. Hope to see you in some of them.
and some i don't think i could bear to revisit.
...not without boxing gloves and graphite cup.
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i was thinking more along the lines of an industrial sized box of tissues or ten.
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in 2-plus hours, i'm going to see brokeback for the first time in (six?) years--since the denver film fest, about a month before official release.
could be rough. bracing for it. hopefully it will be beautiful, too.
QA afterward with James S. (i still can't spell his name. haha.)
thanks to chuck for inviting me. having dinner with brokies, too, though i'll be late.
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Good luck Dave!
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in 2-plus hours, i'm going to see brokeback for the first time in (six?) years--since the denver film fest, about a month before official release.
could be rough. bracing for it. hopefully it will be beautiful, too.
QA afterward with James S. (i still can't spell his name. haha.)
thanks to chuck for inviting me. having dinner with brokies, too, though i'll be late.
Sounds wonderful, Dave. Enjoy!
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It will be beautiful, Dave. Have fun!
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Not seen on big screen since Chicago.. it's rare now-a-days.. Enjoy. Vincent
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It's a wonderful experience to see it with other Brokies.
Hey, I've seen it with killersmom, atruant, and gattaca!
No janjo yet, though ;)
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It was a great time tonight, I'm still a bit wired, which is why I'm here. :D I'm waiting for the sleeping pill to kick in.
Lynne is asleep upstairs, I'm not sure when it will happen, but at one point before she goes home, the two of us will sit and compose a joint post of the evening.
;D
I was psyched to have Dave with us, and it was Sue's (MaineGirl) first time seeing Brokeback in the company of Brokies.
I actually only have four pics that I took! :o However Andrew from BetterMost took quite a few, and asked if I could copy and paste them here with his permission, and he said that was fine. Once he posts them on BM, I will re-post them here, and give him credit.
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thanks, chuck. i had a wonderful time. can't wait to see the pix. thanks for inviting me.
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It's a wonderful experience to see it with other Brokies.
Hey, I've seen it with killersmom, atruant, and gattaca!
No janjo yet, though ;)
We need to make plans, Donna! :D
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I know it's been said before but after one's initial viewing, I think it's the most uplifting experience to be able to see the movie with other Brokies, if only to have a shoulder to cry/laugh/sigh on. All of my group viewings have been special to me, be it Oxford, Castro or LA, and I can't rec. it enough for other Brokies to do, be they shy and retiring or what. :)
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I know it's been said before but after one's initial viewing, I think it's the most uplifting experience to be able to see the movie with other Brokies, if only to have a shoulder to cry/laugh/sigh on. All of my group viewings have been special to me, be it Oxford, Castro or LA, and I can't rec. it enough for other Brokies to do, be they shy and retiring or what. :)
And I hope the one in the Isle of Wight too! (My only group viewing, though only 6 of us :))
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As Andy said, seeing it with other Brokies, is a must, be it just a few or a larger group. The big screen experience is wonderful as well. The many times I saw it by myself did not hold a candle to my first time seeing it in LA in March 2006 with about a dozen Brokies, all of whom I met for the first time. The 4 hour discussion we had afterward in the Cuban restaurant (where they finally threw us out) was so amazing. To be able to share all the feelings with other Brokies was truly wonderful.
The 25 - 30 people (I still do not know how that many people fit in my living room , but it worked) who saw it on my big screen TV in Texas at the BBQ in August 2006, was also very special, because the closeness of the folks in the small area allowed everyone to express their feelings with no restraint or embarrassment, and being able to physically console one another. A different setting, yet an amazing time.
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And I hope the one in the Isle of Wight too! (My only group viewing, though only 6 of us :))
That is still one of my favourite viewings!
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And I hope the one in the Isle of Wight too! (My only group viewing, though only 6 of us :))
Bien sur - and any others I forgot to mention. :)
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As Andy said, seeing it with other Brokies, is a must, be it just a few or a larger group. The big screen experience is wonderful as well. The many times I saw it by myself did not hold a candle to my first time seeing it in LA in March 2006 with about a dozen Brokies, all of whom I met for the first time. The 4 hour discussion we had afterward in the Cuban restaurant (where they finally threw us out) was so amazing. To be able to share all the feelings with other Brokies was truly wonderful.
The 25 - 30 people (I still do not know how that many people fit in my living room , but it worked) who saw it on my big screen TV in Texas at the BBQ in August 2006, was also very special, because the closeness of the folks in the small area allowed everyone to express their feelings with no restraint or embarrassment, and being able to physically console one another. A different setting, yet an amazing time.
I remember that fondly and so well, Linda.
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You can't beat the synergy of emotions when we Brokies watch a screening together.
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Amen.
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The 25 - 30 people (I still do not know how that many people fit in my living room , but it worked) who saw it on my big screen TV in Texas at the BBQ in August 2006, was also very special, because the closeness of the folks in the small area allowed everyone to express their feelings with no restraint or embarrassment, and being able to physically console one another. A different setting, yet an amazing time.
It was amazing Linda...although I couldn't handle to see the ending of this film you were there for me and I will be forever grateful!
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It was amazing Linda...although I couldn't handle to see the ending of this film you were there for me and I will be forever grateful!
I am so glad I was, Nellie, and I am forever grateful we met and are friends!! :-*
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I've just passed my 4-year anniversary. Yesterday I put on the dvd for the first time for ages (to watch SNIT, for purposes of research for the TOTW :)) and just one or two bars of The Wings brought the original feelings flooding back - but with the difference that it's all now linked with the friendship I've found here on the forum.
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Happy 4 fucking years, Sara!!! :-*
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I've just passed my 4-year anniversary. Yesterday I put on the dvd for the first time for ages (to watch SNIT, for purposes of research for the TOTW :)) and just one or two bars of The Wings brought the original feelings flooding back - but with the difference that it's all now linked with the friendship I've found here on the forum.
That's what does it for me. Not seen the movie since Oxford, have no desire to, but the music still affects me.
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I was listening to the soundtrack just last week, it brings me back and gives me happy memories.
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Makes ME cry like a baby so I rarely listen it, what with my history of depression and all.
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I have a long history of depression too, but I have played the soundtrack almost into oblivion. I haven't watched the film though since our get together at Andy's about three years ago. I have to be mentally prepared.
I saw a friend last week, who said "Brokeback Mountain was on TV, I thought of you, I knew you would be watching it." I had to explain to him that it cut too deep for me to just watch it on a casual basis.
He looked very surprised.
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Congratulations on your 4th anniversary, Sara!!
Seems I watch the movie now only when I'm surrounded by Brokies at a gathering. Like you, Jess, and many others, I have to prepare myself.
Making dozens of friends thanks to DCF, the other forums, and the get-togethers, has for me been as life altering as the movie. :D :-*
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Making dozens of friends thanks to DCF, the other forums, and the get-togethers, has for me been as life altering as the movie. :D :-*
Couldn't agree more!
The movie itself isn't dominating my life any more like it once was, but - the friendships!!
My brokie friends are a daily source of joy and happiness, don't know what I'd do without y'all!! :-* :-*
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Last time I saw the movie from beginning to end was in Bay City...knowing that Heath is gone makes it even more painful for me to ever watch it again ....<sigh>
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'Saw the movie this past Saturday on a large screen at Indianapolis' Eiteljorg Museum's Out West presentation, which included a presentation of Beyond BBM. And saw it the night before at home, on the small screen, to prepare myself for what I'd see on Saturday. Both times in the company of Dave, my husband of 16 years. Both times I cried, often. Afterwards Dave noted, "it's not affecting my emotions as powerfully as it did at first—and that's a good thing."
By which he means we've both grown and matured in these six years past. The movie set some issues down right there in our laps, tossed them right into our teary faces, asked us to consider our path through life. And that of those we have loved. In some respects the movie showcases our life experience with being married—the sense that something is missing, has gone awry, even if it's not named or identified. BBM gives powerful voice to the experience of women married to gay men. Too, it depicts some of the challenges we face as gay men who choose to stay in the rural environment.
I've seen the movie many times now. I'm thankful for an excuse/reason to see it again here recently. Its power continues apace.
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Thank you for your warm welcome and kind words.
I'm reading Scott Russell Sanders, Writing from the Center, a collection of essays. I've started reading one of them aloud to my husband Dave, the one titled "The Common LIfe." Sanders does a good job of putting his finger on what he says are vital elements of community: "loving company, neighborliness, inherited knowledge and good work, shared purpose, sensual delight, and union with creation."
Again later on he writes: "The community I desire is not grudging; it is exuberant, joyful, grounded in affection, pleasure, and mutual aid."
And toward the end: "There is, in fact, only one life, one pulse animating the dust. Sycamores and snakes, grasshoppers and grass, hawks and humans all spring from the same source and all return to it. We need to make of this common life not merely a metaphor, although we live by metaphors, and not merely a story, although we live by stories; we need to make the common life a fact of the heart."
I tasted a sense of this in the presentation of Beyond Brokeback. got a feeling for the myriad ways this forum space has touched and helped shaped lives. To each of you who are participants in such alchemy, thank you. And kudos.
Welcome, Rab, to our little community and so very glad you have joined us here! I have been here from almost the beginning (as you can see by my post numbers) and that I talk a lot (as you can also see by the amount of my posts)!
Thanks so much for sharing with us and especially for the above quotes from the book you are reading. I am always searching for words to express more of what this movie has done for me personally, and for this community as a whole. All of the quotes above are just another way (to me) to express what all of this means for all of us. What brought us here, what keeps us here and together.
It means so much that we see new folks here, whether they saw the movie back at the beginning (like you and your husband) or just now seeing it for the first time. It's affect is timeless.
This quote has special meaning for me:
We need to make of this common life not merely a metaphor, although we live by metaphors, and not merely a story, although we live by stories; we need to make the common life a fact of the heart.
Thanks again for sharing these thoughts and for joining this family here.
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Afterwards Dave noted, "it's not affecting my emotions as powerfully as it did at first —and that's a good thing."
By which he means we've both grown and matured in these six years past. The movie set some issues down right there in our laps, tossed them right into our teary faces, asked us to consider our path through life. And that of those we have loved. In some respects the movie showcases our life experience with being married—the sense that something is missing, has gone awry, even if it's not named or identified. BBM gives powerful voice to the experience of women married to gay men. Too, it depicts some of the challenges we face as gay men who choose to stay in the rural environment.
I've seen the movie many times now. I'm thankful for an excuse/reason to see it again here recently. Its power continues apace.
I have different reactions to it, and to be honest I wasn't emotional at all when I saw it in Indy. I did get emotional during the readings of Beyond Brokeback, it's always impressive to hear those words in person, out loud.
The last time I saw the movie prior to Indy was at the MoMA event, and I did get emotional there.
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Five years ago today
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi215.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fcc19%2FJanssonmamma%2Fheath%2FBBM%2520post%2520mountain%2FBM_0917.jpg&hash=17b0631c5befa653c97d7741efd7123e94c42a75)
for all of it
for you - dear friends.
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Yay! Geaux Mia kärlekissima!
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Mia, it's very good to know you - and "all of it" :-* :-* :-*
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Five years ago today
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi215.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fcc19%2FJanssonmamma%2Fheath%2FBBM%2520post%2520mountain%2FBM_0917.jpg&hash=17b0631c5befa653c97d7741efd7123e94c42a75)
for all of it
for you - dear friends.
Wonderful, Mia! :-*
I still watch BBM several times, and each time it effects me very emotionally. The tragedy of the boys' story never fails to cause such sadness and tears. Just knowing that Heath is gone is so emotional for me.
kathy
xoxoxo
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Yay! Geaux Mia kärlekissima!
Tack så mycket, käre Fritz!
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Mia, it's very good to know you - and "all of it" :-* :-* :-*
Likewise - deares Sara!
:-* :-* :-*
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Wonderful, Mia! :-*
I still watch BBM several times, and each time it effects me very emotionally. The tragedy of the boys' story never fails to cause such sadness and tears. Just knowing that Heath is gone is so emotional for me.
kathy
xoxoxo
I know....
((((Kathy))))
:-*
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I had this pendant and silver chain made for me to celebrate my fifth Brokie anniversary.
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi913.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fac333%2FMiaisland%2F007.jpg&hash=eed3f7dac19edcb5b0d9cb8cd3f4c7fe2f38af5d)
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Really beautiful!
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Really beautiful!
I am very happy about it. Thank you Sara. :-*
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Very nice Mia! Happy anniversary!
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It's beautiful. Happy Anniversary ((((Mia)))) !
:-*
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I had this pendant and silver chain made for me to celebrate my fifth Brokie anniversary.
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi913.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fac333%2FMiaisland%2F007.jpg&hash=eed3f7dac19edcb5b0d9cb8cd3f4c7fe2f38af5d)
I'm a bit late (((((Mia))))) on commenting, but I think the pendant & chain is lovely.
kathy :-*
xoxoxoxo
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So do I, I would love one like that.
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^^^
Beautiful Mia x
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It has been so long since I came to visit this Forum. Don't think for a second that I have forgotten about all of you here. Some days I feel so disconnected because the majority of you I don't really know. The originals are almost all gone. The one's I connected with the most. It doesn't mean that you new comers don't mean anything to me.
Even as I feel disconnected at times:
I've noticed with myself that when I go thru certain changes with my life and my emotions overtake me I come here. It's a venting process that always seems to cleanse my heart and soul and I know that you will never judge me.
I often wonder why people do things to hurt each other,often ask myself why are we all in this planet earth. I feel like an episode of the Hunger Games at times. We are all here to fight for what we believe in . To make a better life for ourselves,to raise children and to just be good human beings as God wanted us to be. I sometimes forget that not everyone has the same morals. Not everyone grew up with loving parents. Not everyone had the opportunities of being free in a country as I am. It angers me and I become this other person. I hate the direction in which I am going sometimes. I hate that I don't live in a perfect world.
I don't know why I keep coming back to this Thread,this Forum. This movie did a lot of good damage in my heart. The kinds of things that I will never let go and I caress it ,I close my eyes and pretend for a moment how life can be if it were perfect. The nights of Jack and Ennis looking up at the stars and wishing their lives were perfect so they can be together forever. No one to judge them,no one to get in their way.
It's going to be 6 years for me in January since my life changed after seeing this movie. Where the hell did all this time go? Did all my questions get answered? no...it never will but you people put bumper pads around my heart and I feel as if I am protected. And I thank you for that.
I don't know where I am getting at by saying all this mumbo jumbo...but it is all flowing from my heart and I can't stop it.
I know we have all moved on and that most of our lives have gotten better. Our ups and downs will always be there. My life is awesome don't get me wrong...just feeling a bit down
I just wanted to tell you nice folks that you are always on my mind and my heart warms up when I think of you,thank you for being here.
Nellie
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(((Nellie)))
Nearly six years later I'm still looking for answers myself.
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Happy anniversary, Nildita carisima!
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Thank you Chuck, Kathy, Sue, Jess and Sue. :)
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((((((Nellie))))) !!
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(((Nellie)))
I'm glad you are still here, no matter how sporadically!
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(((((((Nellie))))))))
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It has been so long since I came to visit this Forum. Don't think for a second that I have forgotten about all of you here. Some days I feel so disconnected because the majority of you I don't really know. The originals are almost all gone. The one's I connected with the most.
not all, nellie...
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not all, nellie...
Nope.
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Vaguely No
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Still here Nellie :-*
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We are all Brokies Nellie. We are all of the same mind . We are "family". Try and connect again. We need you here :-*
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It has been so long since I came to visit this Forum. Don't think for a second that I have forgotten about all of you here. Some days I feel so disconnected because the majority of you I don't really know. The originals are almost all gone. The one's I connected with the most. It doesn't mean that you new comers don't mean anything to me.
Nellie
Hi Nellie,
I'm a fairly new Brokie myself, but I totally understand how you feel. I feel disconnected sometimes, too. Not because the current forum members aren't friendly, because they are, but because I discovered Brokeback so late. I'm currently reading through the Scene-by-scene threads, which is fun, but I don't recognise the names of those earlier forum members at all.
I wish I had been on here when this forum was really busy - that must have been so much more exciting!
Last night, I read a sad BBM fanfic on LiveJournal which made me cry so much. I wanted to comment on it to let the writer know how his story had made me cry, but when I looked at the date, it was posted over 6 years ago... :'(
Sometimes I wonder when my Brokeback fever will pass... it has been over six months since I first saw the film, but I still seem to be obsessed by it even more.
Love,
Sonja from The Netherlands.
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Sonja, I think you should go to the LJ account and post....It won't matter at all to the author that you found the story now....but they will like to hear of your reaction.
You could go to the Slash Discussion thread here and talk about it too, if you'd like.
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Sonja, I think you should go to the LJ account and post....It won't matter at all to the author that you found the story now....but they will like to hear of your reaction.
I tried to post my comment last night, but somehow I don't think it worked. I might try again.
Thanks, Chuck! :-*
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I agree with Chuck. It's never too late to post a comment to a still active LJ account, Sonja.
The writer will most likely be very happy that their story is still read, and still affect people.
If you want to comment in the slash thread here on DCF, the link is here:
http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=46283.180
As for your wondering about how long the Brokeback fever will last:
For me it took a couple of years before it somewhat calmed down. It was a gradual change,
but I slowly realized that I didn't cry as much over the movie any more, and that those raw and
intense feelings had gradually subsided.
In a way it's a relief, yes, but I also miss that time with its raw emotions.
What has in a way replaced that emotional intensity is just as wondrous:
new profound friendships all over the world; meetings in different countries - either big ones open to every brokie, or smaller private ones; literally daily contact with friends via internet - either here, facebook, skype or in any of the many other ways that modern internet technology offers. To me, at least, the whole world of internet socializing came with my brokeback fever; I had never even heard of forums before that, and used my computer mainly for just emailing.
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A number of years??? Aw. I've got quite some years to go, then! ;)
Thanks for your lovely comment, Swedish Sonja! :-*
There's still so much for me to discover, you know. When I first saw the film, I only knew "Brokeback Mountain" was a classic, and that the story was epic, but I had no idea it was THIS big - well, I guess it was big back then. I didn't know much about Heath or Jake either. And that was only six, seven months ago.
Today, it feels as if the movie has been with me for years and years. I've seen it numerous times (dvd only unfortunately) and can recall the famous quotes instantly. There have been days I wanted to watch the movie over and over again. The feel of it hasn't changed yet - seeing them up on Brokeback still makes me happy (and seeing them coming down from the mountain still makes me sad).
Gosh. It's a miracle.
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BJD Sonja, I hope you will try to get some of the Book/Film, Scenes, Elements etc threads going again (as long as it's NOT "Did he say 'I'm sorry'? yes, no, yes, no....")
And you might even find a new question for the Ignorant Straight Girl thread. >:D
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BJD Sonja, I hope you will try to get some of the Book/Film, Scenes, Elements etc threads going again (as long as it's NOT "Did he say 'I'm sorry'? yes, no, yes, no....")
No, he didn't say sorry! :D :D
That thread's hilarious when you first read it, you know. I remember laughing out loud at certain posts sometimes. When the spit string was first mentioned, I was like "Whoa! What? Where?" I was at the office having a lunch break and couldn't wait to get home and watch. And re-watch. And re-watch... ;)
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Yes, I was thrilled to discover the spit string....and re- and re- etc!
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;)
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I love the spit string ;D
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A number of years??? Aw. I've got quite some years to go, then! ;)
Thanks for your lovely comment, Swedish Sonja! :-*
There's still so much for me to discover, you know. When I first saw the film, I only knew "Brokeback Mountain" was a classic, and that the story was epic, but I had no idea it was THIS big - well, I guess it was big back then. I didn't know much about Heath or Jake either. And that was only six, seven months ago.
Today, it feels as if the movie has been with me for years and years. I've seen it numerous times (dvd only unfortunately) and can recall the famous quotes instantly. There have been days I wanted to watch the movie over and over again. The feel of it hasn't changed yet - seeing them up on Brokeback still makes me happy (and seeing them coming down from the mountain still makes me sad).
Gosh. It's a miracle.
You're welcome, Dutch Sonja! ;)
Yes, it is a miracle, truly.
Such profound impact, so many lives changed by "just" a movie.
Take your time, roll with the flow. Let the whole experience affect you and your life the way it does. Even if you tried to, there's no way you could avoid it.
Eventually, you'll find that the movie isn't as much in the foreground any more, but rather like a quietly permanent presence and soundboard in your life.
And don't hesitate to post in "old" threads, even if noone has posted there for a long time, a new post could very well get some discussion going again.
The more active you are here in terms of posting, the quicker you'll get to know people and make friends.
And if you don't want that, you can just sit quietly back and lurk in threads that interest you; that's also fine.
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(*says deamily*) Yeah.....the spit string ( *sighs*)
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You're welcome, Dutch Sonja! ;)
Yes, it is a miracle, truly.
Eventually, you'll find that the movie isn't as much in the foreground any more, but rather like a quietly permanent presence and soundboard in your life.
Wow, that's beautiful! I'll keep that in mind.
Beautiful.
Thanks again. :-*
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:-*
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I love the spit string ;D
Oh, so do I! And - I hear Heath as Ennis say to Jake as Jack "I'm sorry" very low twice. Then Jake says "it's allright, it's allright", also quite low.
Once I swore I heard Jake as Jack then say "lie down, come on".
kathy :-* :-*
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Oh, so do I! And - I hear Heath as Ennis say to Jake as Jack "I'm sorry" very low twice. Then Jake says "it's allright, it's allright", also quite low.
Once I swore I heard Jake as Jack then say "lie down, come on".
kathy :-* :-*
:D :D
"I'm sorry"... twice? Are you sure? I don't hear it at all.
And I sure don't hear the "Lie down, come on" - but it might just as well be there, cos the Dutch subtitles say: 'Kom maar liggen', which is the exact translation for that sentence.
Kathy, I hope you don't get banned from this forum for bringing this up again... And I guess if you'll get banned, I will too! ;) ;)
:-*
My, I love this forum!
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BJD Sonja, I hope you will try to get some of the Book/Film, Scenes, Elements etc threads going again (as long as it's NOT "Did he say 'I'm s*rry'? yes, no, yes, no....")
I repeat: Pleeeeeeease don't go there! :D It's BORING!
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It wasn't me who started it, Cally, it was Kathy! Honest! ;D
Besides: it isn't boring to me! I'm new here! ::)
;)
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I know - I'm sorry (LOL) Sonja, and the last thing I'd want to do is inhibit you from asking questions and re-igniting old threads - I'd love you to get talking! I really miss the total immersion in the film and book which I experienced in my first couple of years, even though I know I can never get back to quite the same state of mind that I was in then.
It's just that that particular topic has always, even when I was new 4½ years ago, seemed to me to have been done to death, and as we're never going to get the definitive answer..... SNIT is such a wonderful scene that it seems a shame when other aspects of it get overshadowed by unprovable subjective interpretations.
But you talk about anything you want, and see if you can stir up the rest of us :) :) :).
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"Total immersion"... yes, that's a good way to put it!
But you're absolutely right about SNIT. The scene is far too special to be "overshadowed by unprovable subjective interpretations", as you put it so beautifully.
When I, on some of my earlier viewings, was trying to find out if Ennis said "sorry", or how many times Jack said "it's allright", I was so distracted from the actual beauty of the scene, I was actually annoyed with myself. Then I decided to watch the snene with NO sound at all... well, it's even more beautiful that way! Jack and Ennis don't need words right then and there. Their bodies do the talking.
The way Jack holds Ennis' head to his chest after their kiss gets me every time.
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Done that too. :)
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A couple of days ago I met someone who had seen the Hollywood Costumes exhibition. He thought it was very good, and I enthused for a bit, and that was that. But I thought to myself what a world of things were in my head lying behind that conversation that he knew nothing about....
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What a coincidence, Sara!
I also talked about the exhibition with a friend a couple of days ago.
And I had the exact same thought in my mind, that I didn't mention with one word what that exhibition was really about for me.
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What kind of exhibition is it? Well, I can guess... does it have The Shirts?
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What kind of exhibition is it? Well, I can guess... does it have The Shirts?
It's an exhibition of Hollywood costumes from a large number of famous movies, among them BBM.
It's shown at the Victoria and Albert museum in London, and a group of us met there in November and saw it together.
It was great fun to meet (of course!), and the exhibition was very well done and interesting.
No, not The Shirts, but two other costumes from the movie. I'll see if I can find a pic.
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Here you go, Sonja:
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fjulieeagleton.files.wordpress.com%2F2012%2F10%2Fimg_2086.jpg&hash=c4105c669adb1e77cd642cb14437b6fa4061f6be)
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That's nice! :)
Thanks for finding it!
Those costumes are almost as epic as The Shirts.
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It's just that that particular topic has always, even when I was new 4½ years ago, seemed to me to have been done to death, and as we're never going to get the definitive answer..... SNIT is such a wonderful scene that it seems a shame when other aspects of it get overshadowed by unprovable subjective interpretations.
We should get up a petition to send to Ang Lee asking him to put us out of our misery by telling us once and for all what exactly they did or did not say in that tent! Three forum people have actually met and had conversations with Jake, and do you think they had the sense to ask? :o ??? :D
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We should get up a petition to send to Ang Lee asking him to put us out of our misery by telling us once and for all what exactly they did or did not say in that tent! Three forum people have actually met and had conversations with Jake, and do you think they had the sense to ask? :o ??? :D
:) :) :) :) :) ;)
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Those costumes are almost as epic as The Shirts.
I agree, they are....
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"The Shirts" are on display at the Museum of the American West, the Autry National Center, on loan from Tom Gregory who now owns the shirts..
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi998.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Faf110%2Ftootsiemom%2FAutry%2520Panel%252012-13-09%2FAutryPanel12-09058.jpg&hash=00f0c31bbc7cc4517e9598f30d0a9f68fe0e1262)
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi998.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Faf110%2Ftootsiemom%2FAutry%2520Panel%252012-13-09%2FAutryPanel12-09053.jpg&hash=6d859dee73f740122301365f8e9d9e01ed7512ce)
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(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi998.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Faf110%2Ftootsiemom%2FAutry%2520Panel%252012-13-09%2FAutryPanel12-09057.jpg&hash=06cab571fb7792ee817bab833ec5e32ecd1e6710)
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We should get up a petition to send to Ang Lee asking him to put us out of our misery by telling us once and for all what exactly they did or did not say in that tent! Three forum people have actually met and had conversations with Jake, and do you think they had the sense to ask? :o ??? :D
:D :D :D
Well, if I ever met Jake, I'd probably be too nervous to say anything at all ;) :D
Plus, I don't think he'll remember what he said. Maybe it's for the best... it adds to the many wonders of this movie.
The Shirts pictures are fab!
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Some of us may have even touched the shirts.
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:D :D :D
Well, if I ever met Jake, I'd probably be too nervous to say anything at all ;) :D
Plus, I don't think he'll remember what he said. Maybe it's for the best... it adds to the many wonders of this movie.
The Shirts pictures are fab!
I found Jake to be very personable when he was approached by fans after his play in NYC. He signed autographs and posed for pics.
;D
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1123.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fl543%2Fjakeheathfan%2F1-1.jpg&hash=4ff78ba14326c388ab3d880b3c6d0a48ff87d3e3)
That's a page from my Oscar Press Book, which is now signed by James Schamus, Diana Osanna and Jake Gyllenhaal.
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The Shirts pictures are fab!
Some of us may have even touched the shirts.
Or other items from the movie!
In 2007 at a "slash bash" in DC, one of the members arrived with her treasures, Ennis' coat and jacket which was won in auction. She let everyone who wanted to, try them on. This is me in the hat and jacket.
;D
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi54.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fg116%2FCellarDweller115%2FSlash%2520Bash%2FSlashBash2007003.jpg&hash=81f58dcc2cfea22030fb1781a2ba05bd42644e28)
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Chuck, you look great in them! :-*
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"The Shirts" are on display at the Museum of the American West, the Autry National Center, on loan from Tom Gregory who now owns the shirts..
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi998.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Faf110%2Ftootsiemom%2FAutry%2520Panel%252012-13-09%2FAutryPanel12-09058.jpg&hash=00f0c31bbc7cc4517e9598f30d0a9f68fe0e1262)
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi998.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Faf110%2Ftootsiemom%2FAutry%2520Panel%252012-13-09%2FAutryPanel12-09053.jpg&hash=6d859dee73f740122301365f8e9d9e01ed7512ce)
Wow...I feel like I should be bowing to them or something :D So iconic to us Brokies...
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I second that! :)
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I saw the movie before reading the book, and when it was the scene at Lightning Flat at the end and Ennis discovered the shirts...my God :'( I couldn't believe that Jack had taken Ennis's shirt and put it with his own, and that it had been there for 20 years...
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Yeah. Is that true love or what? :'(
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The shirts in the wardrobe is a wonderful thought. I can relate to it in so many ways.
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Yeah. Is that true love or what? :'(
It proves that Jack always loved Ennis :-*
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:D :D
"I'm sorry"... twice? Are you sure? I don't hear it at all.
And I sure don't hear the "Lie down, come on" - but it might just as well be there, cos the Dutch subtitles say: 'Kom maar liggen', which is the exact translation for that sentence.
Kathy, I hope you don't get banned from this forum for bringing this up again... And I guess if you'll get banned, I will too! ;) ;)
:-*
My, I love this forum!
Well, bjd, if the subject of what the boys said in the SNIT was not to be brought up again, honestly - I didn't know this, so it must be my fault. I get carried away by SNIT; it's such a beautiful love scene between the boys.
But I have to say I did hear "I'm sorry" from Ennis at least once (thought I heard it again as he turned away), and the subtitles say "Lie down; come on" after Jack says "it's allright; it's allright".
I'm glad you told me the Dutch subtitles had that too. ;)
Thanks,
kathy :)
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"The Shirts" are on display at the Museum of the American West, the Autry National Center, on loan from Tom Gregory who now owns the shirts..
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi998.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Faf110%2Ftootsiemom%2FAutry%2520Panel%252012-13-09%2FAutryPanel12-09058.jpg&hash=00f0c31bbc7cc4517e9598f30d0a9f68fe0e1262)
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi998.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Faf110%2Ftootsiemom%2FAutry%2520Panel%252012-13-09%2FAutryPanel12-09053.jpg&hash=6d859dee73f740122301365f8e9d9e01ed7512ce)
i have let y'all just have your fun lurking your conversation, but let me add one bit of lore. i believe it was diana who said this in some interview, that is was HEATH who said that when the shirts are shown in ennis' closet, they should be the other way round, with his on the outside, and so it was shown. he so inhabited the character that he knew that is what ennis would have done...
and with that, i will leave you to your conversation.
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Well, bjd, if the subject of what the boys said in the SNIT was not to be brought up again, honestly - I didn't know this, so it must be my fault. I get carried away by SNIT; it's such a beautiful love scene between the boys.
But I have to say I did hear "I'm sorry" from Ennis at least once (thought I heard it again as he turned away), and the subtitles say "Lie down; come on" after Jack says "it's allright; it's allright".
I'm glad you told me the Dutch subtitles had that too. ;)
Thanks,
kathy :)
I must have a crap 2 copies of BBM ....ordinary and blu-Ray. There are "NO" spoken apoligise or anything at all on the subtitles.
I do here "I'm sorry" twice and "S'alright....s'alright"......but I NEVER see Ennis lips move.I see Jack holding Ennis face and nodding and saying soft words .....but I never see Ennis speak at all. I believe Jack spoke the words.
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Some of us may have even touched the shirts.
i believe i was one of those who had his picture taken with the shirt(s) at a certain barbecue...
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Well, bjd, if the subject of what the boys said in the SNIT was not to be brought up again, honestly - I didn't know this, so it must be my fault. I get carried away by SNIT; it's such a beautiful love scene between the boys.
Thanks,
kathy :)
Kathy, I was only joking! :-*
I must have a crap 2 copies of BBM ....ordinary and blu-Ray. There are "NO" spoken apoligise or anything at all on the subtitles.
I do here "I'm sorry" twice and "S'alright....s'alright"......but I NEVER see Ennis lips move.I see Jack holding Ennis face and nodding and saying soft words .....but I never see Ennis speak at all. I believe Jack spoke the words.
I hear three "s'alright"s from Jack. That's all.
Hey, that's a nice new word: '"s'alright"s' :D
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Well...the subtitles go like this;
I'm sorry
It's alright
It's alright
Lie down, come on.
But I hear all of it apart from the last line. I see Ennis's lips move just after the kiss and he could be whispering "I'm sorry." It could be a very soft exhale. And there would be a reason for him saying it; he's sorry for the way he took off that morning after the FNIT, and he's sorry about his nervousness with their first kiss (a very Ennis thing to feel sorry for). Completely endearing :-*
I'm not sure if I hear the first "It's alright," from Jack because the music plays at exactly the same time, and it's hard to hear. But I definitely heard the second one from Jack when the volume is up, and I don't hear the "Lie down," part at all and nobody's mouth moves at that part.
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Well...the subtitles go like this;
I'm sorry
It's alright
It's alright
Lie down, come on.
The Dutch subtitles are the exact translations of these sentences also.
And that's my final word on this matter in this thread. If you like, please feel free to join me in the SNIT thread. I'm still reading there, it's hilarious! I'd love some new posts in that topic.
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BJD/Sonja is correct, this would be best discussed in the SNIT thread, and like she said, new posts there would be welcome!
;D
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Sorry Chuck.....I forgot which thread I was actually on. :">
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It's ok Sue, no need to apologize! :-*
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Hi BJD:
I knew you were joking - pls. do not take any offense! I really tried to answer in the same manner, but when it comes to SNIT...I always get carried and say something that might or might not be discussed on the forums.
But I'm so glad you told me of the Dutch subtitles. KK has a post on it too, saying almost the same.
sincerely,
kathy :">
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oy vey!
Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose...
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How BBM affected me? I before the watching of the movie and now are two different persons. BBM has changed me a lot throught the years, first time I saw it was maybe about the month after the movie was released. I alredy have said in some post that i havent seen it in the cinema, i watched it home, alone at some later night hours. While watching the movie for the first time i can remember that it was very stresfull for me, too big impact of emotions, on some critical scenes from it I have cried a lot, it was unstopable, i couldnt help my self. I know for myself that when I cry it must be something that has touched my hearth a lot because it doesnt happen too offten. It was long time ago but still i havent forgot how it was for the first time, im never gona forget that. After the movie has finished and i was ok when i layed down to bed and wanted to sleep I have started to cry again in my pillow, im never gona forget how it hited me that night, like a knife in the hearth, directly.
Before i watched the BBM I was quiet, non problematic child inside his own world of imagination and thinking, I always knew that im on some way different from other children, back then I couldnt understand it but I just had that strange feeling. While the time passed some cubes started to put together and the lifetime was doing its own course, i know that im still young and that i have a lot of life ahead of me but it was necessery for me to understand some things and whats more important accept them.
After i watched the movie my thinking was different, my attitude also, I have become more friendly and more open minded. I can sumarise that it did have an impact on me, just one movie changed me soo much, i couldnt believe that but it just did.
I started to socialise more, to meet new people and I felt better also, but some things havent changed. Even thow the movie had given me more vision than before i was still single and with small hopes that i will find someone i would maybe love. From then to today I have watched it about seven times, maybe more, i really dont remember but the thing is that im still single. I wasnt in a hole, i wasnt in the house throught the whole day or something like that, whenever i have the chanse im out with my friends, i started to travel a lot latelly, im still open minded, but with no sucess. I was forcing my self to not spirit die for last phew years and saying myself that i must go on and that someone must bump one day but the days are passing like my years with them. Time is flying like crazy and my problem is not resolving.
Even thought that i had make some changes in my life to better I completely understand that the reason im single is in me myself, no one needs to tell me that, I know it myself but I do not know where to begin and where to start fixing. What is my problem? Am I maybe just not on right places at the right time? Am I passing my fate on some way every time I need to meet someone? I trully dont know, believe me, I have thinked about it, a lot... Still its important to say that i know that the problem is somewhere in me.
One more thing that BBM has done to me is that it showed me my true side and my true emotions, I think that its very important, I finally founded out whats behind that shield that I have on me when I leave my home and go out to town or it doesnt matter where. Love beetwen Ennis and Jake showed me a lot of it.
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Hi Vlad.....I'm Sue.
Remember the film tag ...."Love is a force of nature"....love will come to you when and where you least expect it....and with luck....it will be the love of your lives just like Ennis and Jack.
Happy to see you here on the Forum......don't be a stranger. Hope to see you on the different threads many many times. :)
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Hi Vlad.....I'm Sue.
Remember the film tag ...."Love is a force of nature"....love will come to you when and where you least expect it....and with luck....it will be the love of your lives just like Ennis and Jack.
Happy to see you here on the Forum......don't be a stranger. Hope to see you on the different threads many many times. :)
Hey there Sue, ill try to keep that sentence in my head :-) Thank you for nice words, it means a lot... Offcourse tha you gona see me in other threads.
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(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fbedirhangokce.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F01%2F7C.jpg&hash=16ae5e0101ed090a146a7993288dff7350a425e2)
YEARS today
of being in love
with BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F3.bp.blogspot.com%2F-6-O6SB7t19I%2FT-STYvuW01I%2FAAAAAAAALSI%2FRUY2shK8NB4%2Fs320%2FBrokeback-Mountain-Bruised-Wallpaper.jpg&hash=71edca15fb0073a3406ed2bae24c4a8d22f9cf25)
7 years that have changed my life -
- for the better
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F4.bp.blogspot.com%2F-2lCtql-io9Q%2FT-SV4UqOtOI%2FAAAAAAAALSY%2F4DpvKu4vNKY%2Fs320%2Fbrokeback%252Bmountain.jpg&hash=5b3a3476d9e216038be680214c9af926e714f554)
SEVEN YEARS of being a member
of this wonderful FORUM
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpoliticalaffairs.net%2Fassets%2Fimportedimages%2Fpa%2Fphp6S1HSO.jpg&hash=2954b9a56f4f659e26cf8745e98b6b457cdd6b72)
What a precious time!
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F4.bp.blogspot.com%2F_o93AaY0GzH4%2FTUf8KGeWE8I%2FAAAAAAAACkc%2Fyc_skHObxSo%2Fs1600%2Fthank-you.jpg&hash=d8e311c443c69678da17a8ac367b7fabc0bbc36b)
MY (((FRIENDS)))
Each minute was meaningful and inspiring
emotional and unforgettable...
Merci!
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
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Geaux Ing!
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OMG Ingy....for me too!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :o :o :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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Awwwwwwwwwwww big kiss!!!
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi34.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fd145%2Fcccccarol%2Fand-here-he-is-kissing-a-little-boy-at-the-congressional-picnic-on-the-white-house-south-lawn-june-27.jpg&hash=905b04e84deb21c2b1a2c8fa67752782599582d4)
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^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I love this!! Thanks, Bubba
;)
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merci Nellie & Fritz !
:)
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Big congratulations, Ingy!!
It's been a hell of a ride!
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Awwwwwwwwwwww big kiss!!!
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi34.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fd145%2Fcccccarol%2Fand-here-he-is-kissing-a-little-boy-at-the-congressional-picnic-on-the-white-house-south-lawn-june-27.jpg&hash=905b04e84deb21c2b1a2c8fa67752782599582d4)
What a GREAT picture!
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Big congratulations, Ingy!!
It's been a hell of a ride!
It sure has!!
I loved it all and still do.
MERCI
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What a GREAT picture!
it's awesome, isn't it?
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Congratulations Ing! How is it nice that you can turn around now and see what have you accompished. ;-)
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((((((((((Dearest Ingmar)))))))))))))) !!!!
Happy happy anniversary!! Here's to every single day of thoseseven years!!!
And thank you for being here, for staying here and for being you!
For all you bring to our forum! :-*
Love you!
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi215.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fcc19%2FJanssonmamma%2Fgiffar%2Fgrodor%2F8299079_400x400.jpg&hash=94ccc94f5d33d40261db6c7e09c48f85ae298a56)
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(((Ingy)))
7 years ago in here!
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi528.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fdd329%2Fsalmackenzie%2FBrokies%2FCIMG0847.jpg&hash=1e5f9f2abbe711a782ffb1f9460324c4692e123e)
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it's awesome, isn't it?
It brought a tear to my eye. His little hand on the Presidents face, he looks like he is trying to kiss him on the lips!! :D
Just precious.......sigh.....love makes the world go round!
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((((((((((Dearest Ingmar)))))))))))))) !!!!
Happy happy anniversary!! Here's to every single day of thoseseven years!!!
And thank you for being here, for staying here and for being you!
For all you bring to our forum! :-*
Love you!
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi215.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fcc19%2FJanssonmamma%2Fgiffar%2Fgrodor%2F8299079_400x400.jpg&hash=94ccc94f5d33d40261db6c7e09c48f85ae298a56)
Oh, Mia, this is the cutest illustration; I just love it. Thank you for posting it.
And congrats to Ing.
kathy :-* :-*
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The recent Boston Gathering just reinforced to me how lucky I am, surrounded by great friends because of our movie.
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"Our movie ".......I like the sound of that. :-*
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It sounds wonderful - and true.
Kathy :)
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The recent Boston Gathering just reinforced to me how lucky I am, surrounded by great friends because of our movie.
Very well put, Chuck!
After 6 fucking years, that's the epitome of my Brokeback experience too.
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Just one commet for that Obama picture: Awwww! How cute! Obama recieving a kiss from that little boy. So sweet.
Well, BBM is just a hell of a film for me. I wouldn't say it's changed my life in a drastic way such as making me the first female president or anything. LOL! But it does make me think and I like that. It's heartwarming and sad. " Titanic" was a huge tear-jerker and a highly moving film for me when I saw it the first time in theaters in 1997. I never cried so hard. I was shaking when I was walking out of the theater. My husband was dying laughing at me while I'm a blubbering mess. LOL! He was saying , " It's just a movie, Brandi". Brandi is the nickname I go by, everyone calls me " Brandi". Yes, the characters played by Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet are fictional but the maiden voyage and sinking of the R.M.S. Titanic really happened. I never had a film touch me in the way that " Titanic" had. " Titanic" was and still is one of my favorite movies of all time. I was obssessed with it back then and I still am. LOL! I had listened to the " Titanic" and " Back to Titanic" soundtracks constantly and blared that Celine Dion song whenever it came on the radio. I saw the movie in theaters about 22 times , I went and saw it about 12 times during it's 3D re-release in 2012. I have watched " Titanic" countless times on VHS and DVD. It drove and still drives my husband batshit insane. LOL! My husband likes BBM for a straight guy. "Brokeback Mountain" makes me cry and touches my heart and is one of the most fascinating films that I have ever seen.
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The passion that you have for this film would make for a fascinating 24 -hour long documentary, DC posters. The love you have for this film is touching but I wish there were more heterosexual men on here. I am a straight woman. Are there any heterosexual men on here regularly? Keep in mind I have read through this forum for years and have seen some but none are regular posters it seems. There's quite a few straight guys on the IMDB forum, alot are shy about admitting they love the film. I don't see alot of heterosexual blacks talk about the movie either. I am biracial. Half black and half Jewish. I'm sure there are some who enjoy it but won't admit it. I have gone months and months without reading anything on here. I enjoy BBM of course but I am not as fervent about my passion for the film as you all are. Not that your passion for BBM is a bad thing, I'm not saying that or trying to upset anyone, I'm just not as zealous as some of you. I guess it has to do with the fact the film is nearly 8 years old and will soon be ten years old. Had I joined in 2006 we would have been on here for hours everday. One reason I joined was because I hope we could discuss the film for a few hours. I thought it would be fun. I wouldn't have though when BBM was released back in 2005 that it would be such a hit but there was alot of anticipation over it before it was released and alot of it was from heterosexual persons actually. I never thought it would become the global phenomenon that it became. I never would have guessed that it would have impacted so many people's minds and hearts like it did. " Brokeback Mountain" is a rare treat in film history that only comes around once in while if not once in a lifetime. I only see it on some people's lists once in a while. It should be on more.
I get sick and tired of seeing it bashed or just playing on the LOGO channel which is mediocre to me and I am a straight ally. I don't like LOGO too much and neither do alot of LGBT people I know. So many people come on this forum and many are no longer here. Especially, alot of longtime posters. I imagine if many of you could that you would be on here everyday , all day. I remember some people would say those Brokeback Mountain fans are more insane than the Star Wars geeks. Well, I said people like what they like. I am a " Titanic" fan but I don't post with other " Titanic" lovers obsessively on IMDB, I deleted my account there long ago. " Titanic" is my own personal film experience that I sometimes like to go at alone . I was still religious at the time. Never a fundamentalist even though I belonged to some fundamentalist Christian denominations and movements. I am an atheist now and happy about it. I cannot stand " Titanic" haters, so the film isn't for everyone but don't belittle the people who do like it, the same goes for those who bash fans of " Brokeback Mountain" , don't hate on people who love the film. It's not for everyone. You can say that for just about any movie really. I don't criticize " Crash" like some BBM fans do. I like " Crash" but I think BBM should have won Best Picture at the Academy Awards and was the better film but I like both. BBM isn't talked about alot but I still think it's a popular film in it's own way of course. Everyone has different tastes in films. BBM, when I first heard of it. I knew it was a short story but didn't bother to read it and still have not read it. Maybe someday. Well, I knew that anticipation of the film was high before it's release and when it was finally released I wasn't sure what to expect. I was shocked at how well it was doing and how favorably it was recieved. I thought: How fascinating that a love story between two cowboys could achieve this much critical acclaim, have audiences captured by it's powerful charm and become a box-office hit. It just goes to show you how controversial movies can often become some of the most successful in the filmmaking industry,
I think it will go down as being one of the greatest films ever made in history. It will take time though. I think it will happen. Look at Citizen Kane. That films wasn't well recieved until years later when people realized what a fascinating motion picture it really was. I believe in time the same will happen for BBM.
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We have had a few heterosexual men here over the years, Garyd is still posting regularly.
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janjo,
Cool. Maybe there will be more someday.
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My feelings for this story/film are very strange...or should I say.....I don't know....can't explain it really. After I saw the film.....a kind of sadness descended over me....and I'm finding it very hard to climb out of this state of melancholy.
Even after all these years...... I feel such a deep sadness....I almost wish I had never seen it.
OK....I have a laugh on some of the other threads....but deep down ..... I almost feel like I can't be or shouldn't be the happy go lucky kind of person I once was. It's so difficult to explain. Does anyone else have this feeling at all...or am I alone in this dark place ??
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I don't think it's strange that you have such sadness after seeing the film. Some movies have the power to do that. BBM is one of the movies. Anti-television and anti-film persons, you may know who I'm talking about really bug me. Film can move people. BBM had , still does and will have that power. So, no your not the only one, if you were would this forum even exist?
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How do you think BBM will effect future generations who encounter it? That's an important questions.
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Sue, there is no reason for you to not be your 'happy go lucky self', if you occasionally feel that way, go with it. As for the sadness, the move struck a chord with you on a deep level, have you ever really explored why?
as for future generations and Brokeback, in the past I've wondered if the film will have any impact at all. As homophobia slowly disappears, and gay marriage becomes more acceptable, the film may be viewed as "this is how it was" instead of a reality that had to be dealt with.
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My feelings for this story/film are very strange...or should I say.....I don't know....can't explain it really. After I saw the film.....a kind of sadness descended over me....and I'm finding it very hard to climb out of this state of melancholy.
Even after all these years...... I feel such a deep sadness....I almost wish I had never seen it.
OK....I have a laugh on some of the other threads....but deep down ..... I almost feel like I can't be or shouldn't be the happy go lucky kind of person I once was. It's so difficult to explain. Does anyone else have this feeling at all...or am I alone in this dark place ??
:(
Isn't it also because of Heath's death, Sue? His death effected you very deeply.
I sometimes wonder what it would've been like if Heath hadn't died. The movie's got such an iconic status because of his death - well, not just because of that, but you know what I mean. That aura of sadness... it just comes with the name 'Brokeback Mountain' nowadays, because most people remember Heath was in it.
I also feel sad after the scene with the shirts. But then I watch it again, and then Jack drives up in his truck (again) and they look at each other (again) and they shake hands and have a beer and go up the mountain (again and again and again)... and then I'm a happy girl :D
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as for future generations and Brokeback, in the past I've wondered if the film will have any impact at all. As homophobia slowly disappears, and gay marriage becomes more acceptable, the film may be viewed as "this is how it was" instead of a reality that had to be dealt with.
I consider myself lucky to live in a country where gay marriage is accepted - and has been for years and years! :)
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I don't think it's strange that you have such sadness after seeing the film. Some movies have the power to do that. BBM is one of the movies. Anti-television and anti-film persons, you may know who I'm talking about really bug me. Film can move people. BBM had , still does and will have that power. So, no your not the only one, if you were would this forum even exist?
Brokeback 'got' me last year. I was stunned to see how many people on here felt exactly how I felt - only 5 or 6 years earlier!
It hasn't lost its power yet!
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for there is nothing of the TITANIC love story effect. i lived a version of the life of ennis and jack. for me it is not history, it is autobiography. my ennis's did not die, but they both drank themselves numb and useless and left families behind mystified by their sadness and addiction.
obviously i lived, but as with so many men that were originally drawn here, it was a shadow of a life, or an imitation of life, a going through the motions of life. the movie did not do to me what the short story did, but all the men who came out of the woodwork all across the country moved me and gave me hope, and that hope held me above water until i came to shore, so to speak.
this community, or certain slivers of it, keeps me coming back, back to where i found my gay brothers finally.
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...as for future generations and Brokeback, in the past I've wondered if the film will have any impact at all. As homophobia slowly disappears, and gay marriage becomes more acceptable, the film may be viewed as "this is how it was" instead of a reality that had to be dealt with.
As an unashamed pessimist where human nature is concerned, I'm not sure that it won't be a problem in time to come. These things have a habit of doing uturns over time, do they not?
The important thing is that the movie is there as a record for all to make of how they will, whatever the social climate.
On a side note, is it not true that while tolerance levels go up, so do homophobic incidents, wherever you are in the world? :)
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for there is nothing of the TITANIC love story effect. i lived a version of the life of ennis and jack. for me it is not history, it is autobiography. my ennis's did not die, but they both drank themselves numb and useless and left families behind mystified by their sadness and addiction.
obviously i lived, but as with so many men that were originally drawn here, it was a shadow of a life, or an imitation of life, a going through the motions of life. the movie did not do to me what the short story did, but all the men who came out of the woodwork all across the country moved me and gave me hope, and that hope held me above water until i came to shore, so to speak.
this community, or certain slivers of it, keeps me coming back, back to where i found my gay brothers finally.
Jack, this really moves me. I admit I know far too little about gay issues. To me, being gay is just as acceptable as being straight. We're all human, so what's the difference?
My best friend was gay, he was happily married (to a man), and that was that. I've never met anyone who was as honest and selfless as he was, and I was proud of him. Unfortunately, he passed away about six months ago.
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Well, I'm sure BBM will still effect people who encounter it in future years but yes, people probably will look at the mixed-orientation 'marriage' thing as something of the past and it should be. Personally I have always been against the mixed-orientation thing and still am. I understand why people have done this but I know how damaging it can be. I think LGBT people belong with other people of the same gender and heterosexuals belong with other heterosexuals of the opposite-sex. I don't think there is nothing wrong with sexually experimenting of course but a mixed-orientation 'marriage' is a bad idea in my eyes. I think it does more harm than anything else. You should never be with someone you are not and cannot be attracted to. Repressing your romantic and sexual self is equally as revolting in my eyes. Romance and sex are important to me. I'm even accepting of polyamorous relationships. One thing I don't condone is cheating on your spouse or lover. People get hurt in that. I think you should be faithful to your one or more partners. If you are unhappy in your current relationship , then it is probably best to leave. Anyways, BBM is a heartwarming and tragic love story that will undoubtably move people's emotions for future generations to come. James Cameron's " TITANIC" is a film that always manages to touch my heart and is also very tragic in its own way. The love shared by Rose Dewitt Bukater and Jack Dawson always captures me, it has an interesting fairy-tale like quality that I appreciate whereas others may not. It's a fictional love story set during a historical event. I think the film inspired people to learn more about the real maiden voyage and sinking of the R.M.S. Titanic and the lives of its victims and survivors. I think James Cameron's 1997 blockbuster is my favorite film version of the story. I am fully well aware that it is not historically accurate in its entirety. I have enjoyed most films about the Titanic but James Cameron's film is the one that moves me the most. I am glad Cameron decided to focus on a fictional love story because there are just way too many good stories from the real people to choose from. It made it more interesting for me in that way. Kate Winslet, I believe made " TITANIC" what is was, even more so than Leonardo DiCaprio in some ways. I think it's more her film than his. Winslet and DiCaprio did make a great couple on screen in " TITANIC" though. " TITANIC" became a huge worldwide phenomenon, it was and still is one of the most expensive films ever made as well as one of the highest-grossing films of all time. " BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN" was a financial success at the box-office, recieved critical acclaim , this controversial film also fascinatingly managed to touch the hearts and minds of moviegoers around the world and became a cultural phenomenon. I do believe that someday BBM will be recognized as one of the greatest films ever made. I honestly do. A film like BBM only comes once in a lifetime.
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... I do believe that someday BBM will be recognized as one of the greatest films ever made. I honestly do. A film like BBM only comes once in a lifetime.
I agree. The lens of history will properly frame "Brokeback Mountain", in due time. The Academy will also be forever framed in the same as supporting that homophobic attitude - that it was whether the voting members then wanted to believe it or not. I just hope I live long enough to see them both come to pass. V.
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The film will recieve it's deserved recognition in cinematic history in due time. The Academy Awards I think is already starting to see how their homophobia ruined the chance to honor one of the most acclaimed movies in film history with the Award it deserved the most. 2006 will be and is starting to be remembered as the year that the Academy Awards failed to bestow " BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN" the Academy Award for Best Picture.
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That so-called "academy" >:( has known since day one. This was said from the beginning - the biggest mistake they ever made. And, of course, they are and always will be remembered for its homophobic attitude and insider/outsider campaign to deny Brokeback Mountain Best Picture (and IMO the acting awards) for a piece of TRASH.
They know it. Oh yes, they know it.
kathy
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That so-called "academy" >:( has known since day one. This was said from the beginning - the biggest mistake they ever made. And, of course, they are and always will be remembered for its homophobic attitude and insider/outsider campaign to deny Brokeback Mountain Best Picture (and IMO the acting awards) for a piece of TRASH.
They know it. Oh yes, they know it.
kathy
I agree. The denial of BBM being awarded Best Picture will be remembered by the Academy for a long time because of their homophobia.
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The recent Boston Gathering just reinforced to me how lucky I am, surrounded by great friends because of our movie.
I felt and feel exactly the same way. It is a true blessing.
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I agree. The denial of BBM being awarded Best Picture will be remembered by the Academy for a long time because of their homophobia.
Oh, yes. And they know it.
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The Academy Awards will always be reminded of the injustice they did to BBM for a long time.
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It was a sad moment for BBM fans........but.....with hindsight by the Academy....a very embarrassing moment/memory
for them.
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The disappointment of that Oscar night seems as though it happened only recently. Hard to believe.
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I remember being at a bar in NYC that was hosting an Oscar party, there were a few guys dressed as cowboys that night. I thought about going in "cowboy drag" but changed my mind.
When the big moment came and the winner was Crash, the bar was filled with boooos, and cowboy hats were thrown at the tv.
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Hahaha, good story Chuck, thats really interesting situation, Im sad I wasnt there to see all of that, well they were really disapointed, we can understand that by their behaviour. :)
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Hahaha, good story Chuck, thats really interesting situation, Im sad I wasnt there to see all of that, well they were really disapointed, we can understand that by their behaviour. :)
more than disappointed,vlad, outraged because of the mountain of awards and accolades BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN had already received, more than any other film in history. not winning the best picture award in the face of all that could lead to only one conclusion, it did not lose on the merits, but as a result of homophobic politicking...
to whit...
The film Brokeback Mountain received many awards, including three Academy Awards for Best Director, Best Adapted Screenplay, and Best Score as well as four Golden Globe awards for Best Motion Picture – Drama, Best Director, Best Song, and Best Screenplay and four BAFTA Awards for Best Film, Best Director, Best Adapted Screenplay and Best Supporting Actor (Jake Gyllenhaal). The film also received four Screen Actors Guild nominations for Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress and Best Ensemble, more than any other movie released in 2005.
Academy Awards Best Actor in a Leading Role Heath Ledger Nominated
Best Actor in a Supporting Role Jake Gyllenhaal Nominated
Best Actress in a Supporting Role Michelle Williams Nominated
Best Cinematography Rodrigo Prieto Nominated
Best Director Ang Lee Won
Best Picture Diana Ossana and James Schamus Nominated
Best Original Score Gustavo Santaolalla Won
Best Adapted Screenplay Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana Won
BAFTA Awards Best Actor in a Leading Role Role Heath Ledger Nominated
Best Actor in a Supporting Role Jake Gyllenhaal Won
Best Actress in a Supporting Role Michelle Williams Nominated
Best Cinematography Rodrigo Prieto Nominated
Best Director Ang Lee Won
Best Editing Geraldine Peroni and Dylan Tichenor Nominated
Best Film Won
Best Film Music Gustavo Santaolalla Nominated
Best Screenplay – Adapted Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana Won
GLAAD Media Awards Outstanding Film – Wide Release Won
Golden Globe Awards Best Actor – Motion Picture Drama Heath Ledger Nominated
Best Supporting Actress Michelle Williams Nominated
Best Director Ang Lee Won
Best Motion Picture – Drama Won
Best Original Score Gustavo Santaolalla Nominated
Best Original Song Gustavo Santaolalla and Bernie Taupin
Song: "A Love That Will Never Grow Old" Won
Best Screenplay Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana Won
Grammy Awards Best Compilation Soundtrack Album – Film, Television or Other Visual Media Various artists, including Gustavo Santaolalla Nominated
Independent Spirit Awards Best Male Lead Heath Ledger Nominated
Best Female Lead Michelle Williams Nominated
Best Director Ang Lee Won
Best Feature Diana Ossana and James Schamus Won
Satellite Awards Best Actor – Motion Picture Drama Heath Ledger Nominated
Best Supporting Actor – Motion Picture Jake Gyllenhaal Nominated
Best Director Ang Lee Won
Best Editing Geraldine Peroni and Dylan Tichenor Won
Best Film – Drama Won
Best Original Score Gustavo Santaolalla Nominated
Best Original Song Gustavo Santaolalla and Bernie Taupin
Song: "A Love That Will Never Grow Old" Won
Best Screenplay – Adapted Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana Nominated
Guilds[edit]
Guild Category Recipients and nominees Result
American Cinema Editors Best Editing – Drama Film Geraldine Peroni and Dylan Tichenor Nominated
American Society of Cinematographers Outstanding Cinematography – Theatrical Releases Rodrigo Prieto Nominated
Casting Society of America Best Casting – Drama Film Avy Kaufman Won
Directors Guild of America Outstanding Directing – Feature Film Ang Lee Won
Producers Guild of America Motion Picture Producer of the Year Diana Ossana and James Schamus Won
Screen Actors Guild Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Leading Role Heath Ledger Nominated
Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Supporting Role Jake Gyllenhaal Nominated
Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Supporting Role Michelle Williams Nominated
Outstanding Performance by a Cast in a Motion Picture Nominated
Writers Guild of America Best Screenplay – Adapted Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana Won
Film festivals[edit]
Festival Category Recipients and nominees Result
Santa Barbara Film Festival Outstanding Performance of the Year Heath Ledger Won
Venice Film Festival Best Film: Golden Lion Ang Lee Won
Other accolades[edit]
Won[edit]
Aurora Film Awards 2005: Best Picture, Best Adapted Screenplay (Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana), Best Song
Austin Film Critics Association: Best Adapted Screenplay (Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana)
Boston Society of Film Critics: Best Picture, Best Director (Ang Lee)
Box Office Mojo: The Ten Most Impressive Box Office Performances of 2005
Central Ohio Film Critics Association: Top 10 Films, Best Lead Performance (Heath Ledger), Best Screenplay
Chicago Film Critics Association: Best Cinematography (Rodrigo Prieto), Best Score (Gustavo Santaolalla)
Chlotrudis Society for Independent Film: Best Director (Ang Lee), Best Adapted Screenplay (Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana)
(International) Cinephile Society: Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, Best Adapted Screenplay, BFCA Film of the Month - December 2005
Critics' Choice Award: Best Picture, Best Director (Ang Lee), Best Supporting Actress (Michelle Williams)
Dallas-Fort Worth Film Critics Association: Top 10 Films, Best Picture, Best Director (Ang Lee), Best Screenplay (Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana), Best Cinematography (Roberto Prieto)
European Film Awards: Best Director (Ang Lee)
Florida Film Critics Circle: Best Picture, Best Director (Ang Lee), Best Screenplay (Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana), Cinematography (Roberto Prieto)
GLAAD Media Awards: Outstanding Film – Wide Release
Independent Spirit Awards: Best Picture, Best Director (Ang Lee)
Internet Movie Awards: Favorite Picture, Favorite Actor in a Leading Role (Heath Ledger), Favorite Actor in a Supporting Role (Jake Gyllenhaal), Favorite Actress in a Supporting Role (Michelle Williams), Favorite Director (Ang Lee), Favorite Screenplay (Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana), Favorite Soundtrack or Music Score (Gustavo Santaolalla), Favorite Song ("A Love That Will Never Grow Old"), Breakthrough Performance (Michelle Williams)
Iowa Film Critics: Best Picture, Best Director (Ang Lee)
Las Vegas Film Critics Society: Best Picture, Best Actor (Heath Ledger), Best Director (Ang Lee)
London Film Critics Circle: Best Film, Best Director of the Year
Los Angeles Film Critics Association: Best Picture, Best Director (Ang Lee)
MTV Movie Awards: Best Performance (Jake Gyllenhaal), Best Kiss (Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal)
National Board of Review: Top 10 Films, Best Director (Ang Lee), Best Supporting Actor (Jake Gyllenhaal)
National Public Radio: Bob Mondello's Top Films for 2005
New York Film Critics Circle: Best Picture, Best Director (Ang Lee), Best Actor (Heath Ledger)
Online Film Critics Society: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, Best Adapted Screenplay (Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana), Best Score (Gustavo Santaolalla), Best Ensemble, Best Cinematography, Best Song, Best Cinematic Moment (Finding the Shirt), Best Website
Phoenix Film Critics Society: Top Ten Films, Best Performance by an Actor in a Lead Role (Heath Ledger), Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role (Jake Gyllenhaal), Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role (Michelle Williams), Best Screenplay Adapted from Another Medium, Best Cinematography
San Francisco Film Critics: Best Picture, Best Director (Ang Lee), Best Actor (Heath Ledger)
British Film Institute: Best Film
Southeastern Film Critics Association: Top 10 Films, Best Picture, Best Director (Ang Lee), Best Adapted Screenplay (Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana)
St. Louis Gateway Film Critics Association: Best Picture, Best Actor (Heath Ledger), Best Director (Ang Lee), Best Screenplay (Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana)
Utah Film Critics: Best Film, Best Director (Ang Lee)
Vancouver Film Critics: Best Picture, Best Director (Ange Lee)
World Soundtrack Awards: Public Choice Award (Gustavo Santaolalla)
Nominations[edit]
Amanda Awards (Norway): Best Foreign Feature Film
Broadcast Film Critics Association: Best Actor (Heath Ledger), Best Supporting Actor (Jake Gyllenhaal), Best Writer (Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana), Best Song (Emmylou Harris, "A Love That Will Never Grow Old"), Best Composer (Gustavo Santaolalla)
Central Ohio Film Critics Association: (1st Runner-Up) Best Picture, Best Director (Ang Lee), Best Ensemble Cast, Best Formal Design
Chicago Film Critics Association: Best Picture, Best Director (Ang Lee), Best Actor (Heath Ledger), Best Supporting Actor (Jake Gyllenhaal), Best Supporting Actress (Michelle Williams)
Chlotrudis Awards: Best Actor (Heath Ledger)
Dallas-Fort Worth Film Critics Association: (1st Runner-Up) Best Actor (Heath Ledger), (2nd Runner-Up) Best Supporting Actor (Jake Gyllenhaal), (1st Runner-Up) Best Supporting Actress (Michelle Williams)
David di Donatello Awards (Italy): Best Foreign Film
European Film Awards: Screen International Award (Ang Lee)
Gotham Awards: Best Picture, Best Ensemble Cast
Independent Spirit Awards: Best Male Lead (Heath Ledger), Best Female Lead (Michelle Williams)
Los Angeles Film Critics Association: (1st Runner-Up) Best Actor (Heath Ledger)
National Board of Review: (1st Runner-Up) Best Picture, Best Actor (Heath Ledger)
National Society of Film Critics: (2nd Runner-Up) Best Actor (Heath Ledger)
Online Film Critics Society: Best Picture, Best Actor (Heath Ledger), Best Supporting Actor (Jake Gyllenhaal), Best Supporting Actress (Michelle Williams), Best Director (Ang Lee)
Southeastern Film Critics Association: (1st Runner-Up) Best Actor (Heath Ledger), (1st Runner-Up) Best Supporting Actress (Michelle Williams)
USC Scripter Award: Best Realization of a Book Adapted to Film (Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana (Screenwriters), E. Annie Proulx (Author))
World Soundtrack Awards: Best Original Soundtrack of the Year (Gustavo Santaolalla), Best Original Song Written for Film ("A Love That Will Never Grow Old")
how's that for a curriculum vitae...
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It didn't do badly, did it, Jack!
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It didn't do badly, did it, Jack!
no, it didn't, and to have a movie with that kind of run up get passed over for CRASH? which never should have aired except on lifetime or OWN, did not pass ANY smell test.
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It didn't do badly, did it, Jack!
:o
No, it didn't!
That's impressive! To say the least...
Where did you find that list, Jack? Just curious.
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BBM received more awards than any other film in history at the time and that is quite an accomplishment for a film dubbed ' the gay cowboy movie'. I liked " Crash" but have only seen it a small handful of times. I thought the screenplay was horrible which was my biggest beef with that film. The acting was great but whoever wrote the screenplay did a horrible job. The characters of color were portrayed in a very stereotypical way that is reminiscent of old Hollywood stereotypes of non-Caucasian persons. Maybe that might have been intentional to highlight the prejudiced views of racists, I don't know. On the whole it could have been a much better film. BBM was Best Picture to me.
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multicast plot by the numbers, complete with hackneyed stereotypes and ham handed morales. poseidon adventure was less cloying.
in truth, in that year i could have coped with any of the other nominees winning, as each had a strong case for a win, all except for crash, which, when it came out, was met with a universal yawn and reviews ranging from so-so to give this one a miss. only when a serious "deny brokeback" campaign was mounted did the studio issue thousands of free cd review copies to send to academy voters. aampas gave away its last shred of relevance along with its dignity from then on.
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Ditto, jack. Ditto.
kathy >:(
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The Academy can deny it all they want but they know the reason they did not award BBM as being Best Picture for 2005 was because of their own prejudices towards homosexuality. I liked " Crash" but it wasn't a BP worthy to me. I think Thandie Newton deserved an Academy Award nomination. I think she was nominated. I can't remember. You know what would have been better, plot wise for " Crash"? Wouldn't it have been interesting if the film was about Matt Dillon's character falling in love with Thandie Newton's character but he is somewhat in denial because of racist feelings instilled in him at an early age? That would have been interesting to see, especially if it were released a year prior to BBM. I think MD is kind of cute and I love TN. Michael Pena. He's a total hottie! Did anyone at the time notice that famed rapper Ludacris was in " Crash"? I partly went to see it because of him.
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The topic is starting to get lost here. Discussion is supposed to be about how the movie affected you, not comparisons to Crash.
Discussions of Crash seem to happen on the Awards Aftermath thread, if you want to continue that discussion, you can do it there.
Awards Aftermath - Part 2 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=27999.0)
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The topic is starting to get lost here. Discussion is supposed to be about how the movie affected you, not comparisons to Crash.
Discussions of Crash seem to happen on the Awards Aftermath thread, if you want to continue that discussion, you can do it there.
Awards Aftermath - Part 2 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=27999.0)
Sorry about that. Well, part of the film's impact is also in how in lost the Academy Award for Best Picture and I feel some BBM fans are a little bit too hateful towards
" Crash" sometimes. BBM is not the first highly-acclaimed film to lost BP to another film that is not-as-good. I think the more important thing is that people enjoy the film. I think BBM will stick in people's minds more than " Crash".
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As many of you know, a number of Brokies have made "the pilgrimage" to the filming locations in Canada (I was one of them) and have pics and videos of themselves there.
Canada (specifically the areas where the film was shot) has been hit with recent flooding, and we were not sure what locatons (if any) were spared.
Two DCF/BM members (SouthEndMD & Sason) just made a trip through Canada to visit the filming locations, to see what survived the floods, and Sason posted an update in The Diner. Not everyone goes to The Diner, so I located the thread that housed pics and stories of trips to the filming locations, and pasted Sason's post there.
If you want to see an update on the locations for Brokeback, just click the link, and it will take you directly to the post.
Movie Location Photos & Videos (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=22685.msg2423121#msg2423121)
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There will be pictures posted on BM for those who are interested.
Thanks for this. I suppose 'BM' means BetterMost? I'm not a member there (yet) ;) Please keep us updated for pictures on here too if possible, Chuck - or Sonja.
:)
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Summer 2013, the 50th anniversary of that distant summer on Br♥keback!
he he!
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Summer 2013, the 50th anniversary of that distant summer on Br♥keback!
he he!
50 years already? We must be crazy. We are all obsessing over a fictional relationship between two guys that never really happened. LOL! If Ennis and Jack were real , I wonder what Ennis would be doing now. Personally, I'd go nuts without Jack if I were Ennis. It would be so hard being with another man again. I think Ennis could have been with another man after Jack but he would know that it would not be the same. Myself being a heterosexual woman I cannot imagine what I would do without my hubby. I love him to death. He's really been the one who has been my emotional backbone since I grew up, became an adult and decided to make my own choices. BBM has the ability to make you think about the characters even after the film has ended which shows you how affective it can be.
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jack and ennis would be 70 now, if they were living and breathing off the page. i don't have to get out a pencil. because, as i noticed way back when, i was the same age at the same time they went up their mountain, and i will be 70 in a few weeks.
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jack and ennis would be 70 now, if they were living and breathing off the page. i don't have to get out a pencil. because, as i noticed way back when, i was the same age at the same time they went up their mountain, and i will be 70 in a few weeks.
Hi Jack! So Happy Birthday to you!
How Brokeback Affected Me?
I discovered BBM 3 years ago, right after discovering Jake in Prince Of Persia. I didn't know him before, he charmed me as prince Dastan and made me want to see his movies. I saw Brothers and then Brokeback Mountain. Too bad not in a cinema. This movie should be seen on a big screen.
BBM overwhelmed me. It was the most beautiful story I've ever seen and it is to this day. My number 1. I watched it many times then, I was obsessed, loving Gustavo's guitar music, all the songs, landscapes, acting. The story of course and the most of all Jake and Heath. As much as I like and appreciate Heath as Ennis, my heart was stolen by Jack - Jake. They are both fantastic actors portraying two guys in complicated love. But I felt more for brave, open Jack, ready to take a risk, wanted to live his life with the guy he loved. I still remember my feelings then, I was so sorry for him and angry with Ennis, though I understood him of course, his reasons to hide and was sorry for him as well. The movie opened so many feelings in me, I wanted to talk, discuss it as much as possible. I could go on for a long time. :)
Now, I don't watch it. I take it so emotionally, I have this story in my guts. But of course I will see it again. I would love to see it in the cinema, but after so many years, it's almost impossible. It was one screening in my city one year ago, but I was on vacations and discovered it after I came back.
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I discovered BBM 3 years ago, right after discovering Jake in Prince Of Persia. I didn't know him before, he charmed me as prince Dastan and made me want to see his movies. I saw Brothers and then Brokeback Mountain. Too bad not in a cinema. This movie should be seen on a big screen.
Nice to see someone else who liked PoP! I really enjoyed it.
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How Brokeback Affected Me?
BBM overwhelmed me. It was the most beautiful story I've ever seen and it is to this day. My number 1. I watched it many times then, I was obsessed, loving Gustavo's guitar music, all the songs, landscapes, acting. The story of course and the most of all Jake and Heath. As much as I like and appreciate Heath as Ennis, my heart was stolen by Jack - Jake. They are both fantastic actors portraying two guys in complicated love. But I felt more for brave, open Jack, ready to take a risk, wanted to live his life with the guy he loved.
Well, this sounds exactly like my Brokeback experience - how odd ;) :D
It still amazes me that so many people from all over the world share the exact same feelings about this movie. Wonderful.
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It is amazing, isn't it Soja? And, somehow, reaffirming that we weren't all just caught up in the moment and needed our heads seeing to. ;D
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It is amazing, isn't it Soja? And, somehow, reaffirming that we weren't all just caught up in the moment and needed our heads seeing to. ;D
No matter how many people thought that. :D :D
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Nice to see someone else who liked PoP! I really enjoyed it.
Hahaha! I love POP! That is a Jake's movie I watched the most often. Very entertaining. Not too complicated. Dastan - my first meeting with Jake. Fantastic Jake's look!
Coming back to the plot I'll add that I also read Annie Proulx book. I own 2 with different covers. I like it very much. Brilliant short story, brilliantly made into the movie.
Well, this sounds exactly like my Brokeback experience - how odd ;) :D
It still amazes me that so many people from all over the world share the exact same feelings about this movie. Wonderful.
I guess is so universal, so well made and acted, so real. I never think about it as a movie about gay love, it's much more. When I see Jack and Ennis together I just see two people loving, desiring each other, who deal with problems in a different way.
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i don't know if out newer inductees can understand the way this hits the original band, as year after year, we hear new people come in just as gut shot, and even sharing a fairly complicated set of physical and psychological reactions. every time some one comes in describing the obsession, the need to watch it over, hoping it will end differently this time, the tears that come unbidden at the most inconvenient times, sitting in the theater as the credits rolled trying to gather our wits before facing the public, and, for some, marveling not just at the story, but at the tour de force acting we recognize we have just seen. jack's heart breaking over and over, ennis with an unspoken pain bubbling up to rage, and then, when confronted by jack's father, lashed silently by the terrible words he knew that jack had endured year after year, watching the emotions play out on the clenched muscles of his face and jaws.
yes we feel vindicated for our feelings, but we also are so grateful that we used our confusion and pain to construct this place of refuge that still seems to be necessary, no matter how much time goes by. welcome to the club. in a few days you will be welcoming the next thunderstruck newcomer.
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That is beautiful, Jack. Thank you.
Happy belated birthday :-*
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i don't know if out newer inductees can understand the way this hits the original band, as year after year, we hear new people come in just as gut shot, and even sharing a fairly complicated set of physical and psychological reactions. every time some one comes in describing the obsession, the need to watch it over, hoping it will end differently this time, the tears that come unbidden at the most inconvenient times, sitting in the theater as the credits rolled trying to gather our wits before facing the public, and, for some, marveling not just at the story, but at the tour de force acting we recognize we have just seen. jack's heart breaking over and over, ennis with an unspoken pain bubbling up to rage, and then, when confronted by jack's father, lashed silently by the terrible words he knew that jack had endured year after year, watching the emotions play out on the clenched muscles of his face and jaws.
yes we feel vindicated for our feelings, but we also are so grateful that we used our confusion and pain to construct this place of refuge that still seems to be necessary, no matter how much time goes by. welcome to the club. in a few days you will be welcoming the next thunderstruck newcomer.
Well I'm new in regards to being registered to this forum but I was deeply impacted by BBM when I first seen it in 2006. I think ever since then it's effect on me has been simmering just beneath the surface of who I am up until this year where I realized no matter the capacity I'm truly longing for a love story in my life, Brokeback is like the truest representation of what I never want to veer from in my life, which is a love story...or just actual love.
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Daniel Okulitch, Bass Baritone posted this today on Facebook:
I'm currently inching my way through learning the score of the opera Brokeback Mountain, premiering in January of 2014 at the Teatro Real, Madrid. I play the lead role of Ennis Del Mar, which those of you who saw the film will remember was played by the late Heath Ledger. The music is arguably the most challenging I've ever had to learn, to say nothing of the dramatic complexity of the character. One bar at a time, I tell myself!
Would love to hear your thoughts on the story, how it moved you or didn't.
http://www.facebook.com/Okulitch?hc_location=stream (http://www.facebook.com/Okulitch?hc_location=stream)
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A few Brokies have already gone and posted. Maybe if more of those going to Madrid posted, he'd want to meet you all.
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i don't know if out newer inductees can understand the way this hits the original band, as year after year, we hear new people come in just as gut shot, and even sharing a fairly complicated set of physical and psychological reactions. every time some one comes in describing the obsession, the need to watch it over, hoping it will end differently this time, the tears that come unbidden at the most inconvenient times, sitting in the theater as the credits rolled trying to gather our wits before facing the public, and, for some, marveling not just at the story, but at the tour de force acting we recognize we have just seen. jack's heart breaking over and over, ennis with an unspoken pain bubbling up to rage, and then, when confronted by jack's father, lashed silently by the terrible words he knew that jack had endured year after year, watching the emotions play out on the clenched muscles of his face and jaws.
yes we feel vindicated for our feelings, but we also are so grateful that we used our confusion and pain to construct this place of refuge that still seems to be necessary, no matter how much time goes by. welcome to the club. in a few days you will be welcoming the next thunderstruck newcomer.
Lovely summary, Jack.
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thanks for the compliment. its always such a challenge describe the desperate need so many of us felt to connect, to be heard, to be validated, ad most of all to figure out WHY we had such depth of feelings.
i suggest that mister okulitch find his way over here. it might give him some insight into the aching need for this story to be told and to be heard and seen.
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Hi! Don't know if this is the thread to write this. But I was just wondering how people here feel about Fanfics. I know I'm usually not a big fan, I just don't like the stories and the way it is written. But recently I stumbled upon Human Interest and Two Crows Joy and well....I'm hooked! I find it to be comforting reading about Jack and Ennis living the good life. Enjoying to read how it could have been :)
I know I know...I'm just kidding myself, but it feels good. Sort of Jack and Ennis living their sweet life in a paralell universe :D . Did some of you enjoy some Fanfic?
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Ah, Fanfic.
One of the things I find 'funny' about the forum is how there seem to be "extremes" regarding certain things. I know people who love the photo captions thread, while others hate it and refuse to go there.
Fanfic seems to be the same way. There are those who love it, and those who want nothing to do with it.
I am not a regular reader of fanfic, however, I have read stories that I really enjoyed, and been impressed by the talent of some of our authors.
We have a section called "The Juicy Bits" that has fanfic/slash discussion, if you haven't checked it out, I recommend it. The posters there are friendly and can point you to some great fanfics. This first thread is where they discuss fanfic stories, and people can go there to ask for recs.
Slash Discussion and Recommendations, Part 15 (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=46283.0)
This second thread is set up as a 'chat' thread for slash fans. It's not slash related, it's a place for the slash/fanfic fans to go and discuss other things.
Le Bar Slash - Naughty Nineteen (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=47295.0)
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Hi! Don't know if this is the thread to write this. But I was just wondering how people here feel about Fanfics. I know I'm usually not a big fan, I just don't like the stories and the way it is written. But recently I stumbled upon Human Interest and Two Crows Joy and well....I'm hooked! I find it to be comforting reading about Jack and Ennis living the good life. Enjoying to read how it could have been :)
I know I know...I'm just kidding myself, but it feels good. Sort of Jack and Ennis living their sweet life in a paralell universe :D . Did some of you enjoy some Fanfic?
I dipped my toe into fanfic/slash with great hesitancy but once in, I was hooked. And that, I believe, is mostly down to what you've just said. Boy, was it cathartic, though I no longer read anything like as much as I did. And the two stories you mention are of such a hight quality too.
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I seldom read fanfic, but "Human Interest" and "Two Crows Joy" are probably my top two favorite fanfic stories for the exact same reason you do. I am a 'happy ending' kinda gal. Life isn't often like this, so, since I read to take a break from real life. I love happy endings!!
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Hi! Don't know if this is the thread to write this. But I was just wondering how people here feel about Fanfics. I know I'm usually not a big fan, I just don't like the stories and the way it is written. But recently I stumbled upon Human Interest and Two Crows Joy and well....I'm hooked! I find it to be comforting reading about Jack and Ennis living the good life. Enjoying to read how it could have been :)
Hoi Paula! ;)
I love the slash stories, as long as they stay true to the movie - I much prefer those with scenes on the mountain, where Jack & Ennis make some sweet, sweet love... :) I don't mind a happy ending, though!
One thing that's difficult: there's too many stories out there. When you first start reading, the amount of stories is simply overwhelming. They're all in order in the slash threads on this forum, but even then it can be hard to find the right stories.
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I know what you mean Sonja, the boys together on that mountain :P :P I searched on the internet for fanfic, just out of curiosity but I rarely find some good ones. The two I mentioned before (they are sequals) are great though. It stays very close to the characters. And a lot of sweeeeeeet love going on in this one ;D.....
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I seldom read fanfic, but "Human Interest" and "Two Crows Joy" are probably my top two favorite fanfic stories for the exact same reason you do. I am a 'happy ending' kinda gal. Life isn't often like this, so, since I read to take a break from real life. I love happy endings!!
Those are among my favorites too.
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The two I mentioned before (they are sequals) are great though. It stays very close to the characters. And a lot of sweeeeeeet love going on in this one ;D.....
I don't think I've read those yet. I'll try to find them!
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I don't think I've read those yet. I'll try to find them!
By the way, "Human Interest" is the first part of the story. "Two Crows Joy" is the second part of it. Hope you enjoy it :)
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Old thread resurrection....sorry. >:D
I am a newcomer to the Brokeaholic club (don't ask me to join Brokeaholics Anonymous, never gonna happen!)....just watched it for the first time about ten days ago and can't really describe its total impact on me. (Won't say how many times I've watched it since....not very conducive to schoolwork but apparently that's no object.) For sure it wouldn't have affected me nearly as much when it was first released as it does now; I understand a little more about the world and about myself in my mid-30s than I did in my mid-20s. (Just as an aside, I'm still blown away by the fact that HL and JG were only in their mid-20s when they did this. Speaks volumes about their abilities to both understand a character as well as act him out.)
The first time I saw BBM, a good friend and coworker had just died very unexpectedly a few days prior (fortunately his death was quick and painless, but still tragic and shocking). Mike was a gay man in his early 50s and just one of the most awesome, kind, gentle, caring people I've ever met. We worked together for years and years. So many of us from work got together and talked about the fact that part of what made his passing so sad was that we all felt like his life was half-lived; he never got to fully love nor fully be loved that one soul mate. Our part of the country was not exactly a bastion of progressivism in his coming-of-age, and he carried that fear (much as Ennis did) with him for the rest of his life. Our state won marriage equality the day before he died. That first BBM viewing, I ugly-cried from the final argument scene until well after the credits were done scrolling....not sure who it for more: Mike, Ennis and Jack, or the thousands of people who live every day in fear of who they are.
As another member on another thread put it: I felt like I'd been slammed against the wall and punched in the gut over and over while being forced to watch a friend die a slow agonizing death.
Since BBM viewing #1, each time I watch it I've picked up on more nuances, symbols, scenery, spoken words, nonverbal cues, and musical cues that amaze me, make me laugh, or make me weep. I can't think of a movie I've watched ever before that stayed with me this long. Everything about this movie is breathtaking - the acting, the actors (let's face it, they were/are hot), scenery, script, music, symbols, nuances, nonverbal communication....my God, this movie is just amazing.
One thing I will say on a personal level is that it has helped my relationship with my husband. We've been married 12 years and change, and we'd kind of reached a point that a lot of marriages seem to reach, when you're sort of in a rut and not really appreciating the other person for who they are themselves nor who they are to you. Kind of going through the motions of daily life but the love and affection are kind of 'meh'. After watching Jack and Ennis - how clearly they completed each other yet were never able to be completely together - it startled me into the realization that if you find someone who'll love you for who you are and allow you into that part of themselves as well, for the love of God hold on tight and don't let them go.
I've enjoyed reading others' stories here. It's good to know that I'm not alone, that this has brought up some strong feelings and things to deal with for a lot of other people as well. I wish you all peace on your journeys.
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^^^^
Ennis' lesson in love.
*****************
If you find someone to love....tell them you love them every day......or it may be
too late. :'(
Loved reading your post EG.
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I can't remember the first time I saw BBM. It's all a blur. My whole life since seeing it has become a blur. It's as if the most important thing in my life is the memory of the film....and , I know , this is so wrong. I feel sometimes ,I should leave this forum and come down off the mountain and get back to my life before I saw BBM.....but then .....I would disappear and be as ....nothing. .......................So I stay.
Nothing has changed since I last wrote this. ^^
I find I still withdraw into myself and the film/story plays through my mind as clear as if I was watching it on screen. Then.....all the hurt returns as raw as ever. There are times when I just want to be left alone and let all the feelings this film brings.....wash over me.I feel very subdued most of the time.There are days when a smile is difficult and holding a conversation is just an intrusion into my thoughts. " Brokeback really got me " but not in the way I expected it to. It hurts too much. :'(
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Loved reading your post EG.
Me too. It hasn't been that long since I saw BBM for the very first time - so it's easy to recall I had the exact same feelings about the film.
Since BBM viewing #1, each time I watch it I've picked up on more nuances, symbols, scenery, spoken words, nonverbal cues, and musical cues that amaze me, make me laugh, or make me weep. I can't think of a movie I've watched ever before that stayed with me this long.
In the first few weeks, I felt the need to view it at least twice a week, or three times - or daily (parts of it anyway), preferably their time on the mountain - the first 40 minutes or so. And after that I'd start all over again, and watch Jack driving into Signal and meeting Ennis and... well, you know ;D
Since then, the film's in my heart. I haven't seen it for quite a while now, but I don't have to. It's part of me.
" Brokeback really got me " but not in the way I expected it to. It hurts too much. :'(
((((Sue)))) :-*
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Welcome EG. So hard to say why Brokeback got to us all in the way it did. However, it was an especial blessing, and that is for sure.
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Welcome EG. So hard to say why Brokeback got to us all in the way it did. However, it was an especial blessing, and that is for sure.
Yeah, it sure was! :-*
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Amen!
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I was talking on the phone to a Brokie the other day. We had not spoken in a good while, and though this was the case, we picked up as if it had only been a couple of days. This is how it always is with the Brokie family. The movie affected us all, the forum brought us all together, and these wonderful friendships we develop keep us together, even after all this time.
I consider myself so lucky and so blessed to have connected with so many and to have these lasting friendships for all these years. BBM brought us here initially, and my life has been changed forever.
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I can't imagine life as it was before, anymore, and I'm glad.
For me, life was NJ. I knew there was a world out there, but didn't know much about it.
Since the movie, I've been to so many different places, met people from different countries, learned about their ways of life, and it's made me a better person.
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Yeah, it sure was! :-*
Ditto!
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Like Chuck, I can't even remember what my life was like before BBM.
BBM changed my life so profoundly, there is no way I can imagine it without that impact anymore.
I'm so grateful that BBM happened to me and brought about all the changes in my life. All the friendships, all the travels. all the new views on life, all the courage to try new things, everything.
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Although it was just one of many things, without Brokeback I doubt we would have been able to get married already. The process would have taken much longer.
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I often wonder about the social ramifications of Brokeback. Was it really that influential, or do we see it that way because we were so affected by the film?
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It's funny how now and than we reflect again to this movie.
Last night they gave Brokeback Mountain on TV. I hadn't watched it fully since Bay City a few years ago.I sat there and I tell you ,just a couple seconds of the guitar strings my heart started to putter. I don't remember blinking as I watched Ennis get out of the truck.Knowing that he is no longer with us made it sadder for me.
As I watched the whole movie,grant it some parts were cut,It brought me all back as to why it meant so much to me. Why didn't it affect others the way it's affected us all. ? We have talked and talked about this for the past 9 years! I know for me I was ready for a change.I NEEDED a change in my life. My life hasn't been the same.It brought out some ugly,and gave me some peace. I was fired from a job I worked in for 16 years and I blame it on this movie.I couldn't concentrate,I cried all the time for no apparent reason. For years I thought I had my life in order and all this time I didn't. It fell apart. My husband accused me of being gay and that maybe I didn't know how to come out. No,I am not gay.I never questioned my sexual identity. I could never understand why many straights "got" this movie.I tried explaining to him and others who couldn't understand the big deal this movie was. It's brought us closer in the end. It was for me about moving forward.Taking risks.Doing things without being afraid.Without caring who thought of what or how they would react to us.We are who we are.God loves us no matter what.Didn't matter if we were gay or straight or bi...didn't matter that I was poor or rich,what religion or which side of politics I agreed on.My God , we all GOT IT. Taking risks in our lives with jobs or moving to another state.Finally saying I DESERVE this ,I'm IMPORTANT enough. I can go on and on. I settled for less many of us did. Not any more.
Yes, after the movie ended my life flashed before me these past 9 years. All the people I have met because of this movie.The deaths of friends,the one's I no longer keep in touch with and of course the one's I talk to almost daily,via Facebook or e-mails. It will never be the same for me,and frankly,I don't miss it.I like the way things are now. I'm more open with my feelings and I'm free.
Thank you Brokeback,thank you Heath and Jake for doing this movie for us. Can't thank you enough!
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It is so hard to say why Brokeback affected us the way it did.
I put it down in my case to being bullied at school, maybe, maybe not.
I certainly don't like it if people are picked on for no good reason.
Maybe I am just a good liberal.
Whatever, I am so glad I am here.
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Nellie, I love your post.
I remember being the same way......I could focus on nothing but Brokeback for a while. I'm glad that part of Brokeback fever is gone. However, pretty much everything else that came afterwards I am grateful for.
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I often wonder about the social ramifications of Brokeback. Was it really that influential, or do we see it that way because we were so affected by the film?
I think that it was one of very many things, but it certainly played its part, maybe not quite as much as we might feel because of the way it has affected our individual lives, but it assuredly did its part in the movement of the country away from the mean-spirited referenda in the years just before and immediately after to what we are enjoying now. We surely would have reached the same point, only not as rapidly.
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^^^^^^^^^
A video, copied from the Serious Jake thread. I feel like it somehow belongs here as well.
http://www.towleroad.com/2014/11/jake-gyllenhaal-on-the-political-legacy-of-brokeback-mountain-and-what-the-film-means-to-him-video.html#comments
Jake Gyllenhaal On the Political Legacy of 'Brokeback Mountain'
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Beautiful!
Dank je, Sonja!
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^^^^^^^^^
A video, copied from the Serious Jake thread. I feel like it somehow belongs here as well.
Wonderful, thanks for sharing this!
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I noticed that one of the comments was from someone who had also watched the movie after the death of someone close to them.
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I think that it was one of very many things, but it certainly played its part, maybe not quite as much as we might feel because of the way it has affected our individual lives, but it assuredly did its part in the movement of the country away from the mean-spirited referenda in the years just before and immediately after to what we are enjoying now. We surely would have reached the same point, only not as rapidly.
Yes. I think this too.
Kathy
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I noticed that one of the comments was from someone who had also watched the movie after the death of someone close to them.
That was me. I don't think of my friend when I watch BBM anymore.....and it still affects me deeply for what it represents to me.
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That was me. I don't think of my friend when I watch BBM anymore.....and it still affects me deeply for what it represents to me.
I, too, saw Brokeback about a year after my husband of 32 yrs passed away. I believe I would have been affected by the movie, but not to the extent that it changed my life. I probably would have been like Ennis and stayed in the living situation I was in, living in half a house (as my kids were up and grown), and content to be a widow and grandma, settled in a not very interesting life.
Instead, I decided to downsize, move halfway across the country and travel and visit Brokies all over the world. My horizons have expanded tenfold, I have met and become friends with countless folks all over the world. I have become more involved in many things. It has been an amazing ride!! It continues still!
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And a good many on here will be able to say a hearty Amen to that, Linda. :) :-*
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^^^^^^^^^
A video, copied from the Serious Jake thread. I feel like it somehow belongs here as well.
I imagine that it must be difficult for Jake Gyllenhaal to talk about the film sometimes. I certainly think that "Brokeback Mountain" will remain as being a significant turning point in Jake's career. He already showed that he had potential in "Donnie Darko", at least to me he did. I often wonder what Heath Ledger might be like now if he were still alive. I personally think that he would have become one of the most successful actors in cinematic history. His performances in "Monster's Ball", " Brokeback Mountain" and " The Dark Knight" really helped show me that this amazing young man was going places. I personally hope that "Brokeback Mountain" will be included in the National Film Registry by the Library of Congress someday. I think that the film does have a lot of political, social and cultural significance.
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I often wonder what Heath Ledger might be like now if he were still alive.
I think we all wonder about that :(
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I think we all wonder about that :(
I'm sure that many people here do wonder about that.
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Being a fan of classic rock, I put Heath in the same category as folks like Jimi Hendrix.....phenomenal talent, gone way before they reached their peak. Had they lived, there's absolutely no telling what kind of greatness they'd have produced.
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I do think that "Brokeback Mountain" was socially, politically and culturally influential and I certainly think that the film was influential on the individual lives of numerous people. Everyone who has seen "Brokeback Mountain" responded to the film differently for their own reasons. I think that happens with every film. I certainly think that "Brokeback Mountain" was one of the first times that an LGBT-themed film has had mainstream appeal. It seemed to me that most film critics and moviegoers that saw the film had a positive reaction towards it. Inevitably, some people are going to jokingly make fun of the film because of its subject matter and prejudiced persons aren't going to see it because they don't want their biases and preconceived notions, which sometimes may include holding common stereotypical views about the group that they are prejudice towards, to be challenged. Some people saw the film and it just didn't appeal to them. Some people had a mixed feelings towards the film and some people didn't like it because it probably didn't live up to their expectations and some people loved it and were deeply impacted by it etc.
I am a heterosexual woman and I didn't care for a large number of the LGBT-themed films that I have seen because they just didn't appeal to me or I felt that they were highly flawed and were not very well-made. I do think that "Brokeback Mountain" may have helped more directors to create more LGBT-themed films that are of high quality and appeal to a wide range of persons. That's just my personal take on the issue.
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I often wonder about the social ramifications of Brokeback. Was it really that influential, or do we see it that way because we were so affected by the film?
I think the answer to that depends on the country.
I only know about Sweden. Many people liked it a lot, some of us were profoundly impacted :), but I don't think BBM has had any effect at all on the Swedish society in general.
But maybe it had in America.
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Can't help but think here that the movie made gay people more visible here, and that it helped accelerate the pace of marriage equality. Not a sole factor to be sure, but an important one.
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I am a heterosexual woman and I didn't care for a large number of the LGBT-themed films that I have seen because they just didn't appeal to me or I felt that they were highly flawed and were not very well-made. I do think that "Brokeback Mountain" may have helped more directors to create more LGBT-themed films that are of high quality and appeal to a wide range of persons. That's just my personal take on the issue.
I remember at the the time they did exit polls and the majority of people seeing the movie were hetrosexual women. I had gay friends who didn't see it until it was on DVD..
I am not sure it made a huge impact in Canada, I think we are fairly liberal in that regard. I hope it made a difference in other countries, I bet it did.
I also liked Bird Cage and Milk, loved Dallas Buyers Club, Transamerica.
In and Out and Mambo Italiano! :D
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I think the answer to that depends on the country.
I don't think BBM has had any effect at all on the Swedish society in general.
I am not sure it made a huge impact in Canada, I think we are fairly liberal in that regard.
Same here (Netherlands).
On a Dutch movie website, I've read comments on BBM that said: "What's all the fuss about?" Not about the film itself, because I think it is considered somewhat of a classic over here amongst movie fans, but the fact that it's a love story between two men. I'd say six out of ten people who commented are perfectly fine with it - the other four however... :-\
To say it had an impact on Dutch society? No, I don't think so.
For me personally? I have two gay friends who love the movie. I also have one friend (a straight woman) who has issues with it. My other friends (straight or gay) simply don't care and / or don't understand why I was so touched by Brokeback.
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My other friends (straight or gay) simply don't care and / or don't understand why I was so touched by Brokeback.
same for me
most of our gay friends (not that we have that many!) disliked it or were indifferent
some of our straight friends here in Nice were stunned by it (like we were/are), and only very few of my German friends
but those who WERE impressed were TOTALLY impressed
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For me personally? I have two gay friends who love the movie. I also have one friend (a straight woman) who has issues with it. My other friends (straight or gay) simply don't care and / or don't understand why I was so touched by Brokeback.
My husband was not impressed at all. I didn't expect him to be but I at least wanted him to see it. A couple gay friends really loved it, a couple straight friends really loved it, but it doesn't seem that any of them were knocked absolutely upside down by it like I was. I dunno, maybe a couple of them are on this board and I don't know it. :D
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This whole matter of who did and did not like it is kinda reinforced by all those wonderful gatherings, big and small, that have taken place all around the world. It's at one/all of those where we discover why we are all so special and have become the Brokies that we are. imho. :)
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other than bringing a segment of the gay population into my life that had hitherto been missing... and missed, i think i have continued to live my life as i always have, as jack twist was trying to live his, full on. i've said it before, it was the story that punched me in the gut, and then the creation of this film gave me a chance to see my story up there on the screen. for once in my life i didn't have to transpose anything or think, what if it was the two guys that were in love. i didn't have to read it in the subtext, like butch and sundance or james dean and sal mineo. that may not have changed my life, but it put my life up there where i could point at it. i managed to find 2 ennis's over my lifetime, and now i don't even have to explain how that could happen, just point at the movie. i think to that the movie gave me a reason to congratulate myself for having survived, and for being a "tough old bird" as another birdie loved to say.
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oh, i almost forgot, i too have wondered how it is that the film struck full force in such a scatter shot way. i don't think any of us, any of all of the forum members, had more than one friend, if that, who even partially felt the impact we are scattered in ones and twos all over the globe. i don't understand how that happens?
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Yes, that's true, Jack. And I don't think any of us does really understand it.
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oh, i almost forgot, i too have wondered how it is that the film struck full force in such a scatter shot way. i don't think any of us, any of all of the forum members, had more than one friend, if that, who even partially felt the impact we are scattered in ones and twos all over the globe. i don't understand how that happens?
Partially, our empathy reflects the depths of the "soul" within BBM. Understanding that generations of men have loved, lost, struggled for acceptance and died, all for the quest to "just be", to have that "cow and calf" operation, to be seen a "just as good..." has the same effect on those that understand it, and I mean really understand it,. The closest comparison I have is what "Saving Private Ryan" does for depicting war and the true, brutal costs laid bare. When one pauses to consider that so many scenes and lines within BBM capture two men's struggle to be, struggle to love and be loved, it's that raw impact and a mirror for many, just as Jack said, that motivated so many then to see a controversial film and why I think so many of us remain here. V.
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oh, i almost forgot, i too have wondered how it is that the film struck full force in such a scatter shot way. i don't think any of us, any of all of the forum members, had more than one friend, if that, who even partially felt the impact we are scattered in ones and twos all over the globe. i don't understand how that happens?
Yes, that's true, Jack. And I don't think any of us does really understand it.
And isn't it wonderful that despite the fact that so many of the feelings, so much of what we experienced is so personal, yet so many of us share them in our own personal ways, that we did find one another, did make these connections, that continue to this day and for a lot of us for the rest of our lives. We just get it without words.
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And isn't it wonderful that despite the fact that so many of the feelings, so much of what we experienced is so personal, yet so many of us share them in our own personal ways, that we did find one another, did make these connections, that continue to this day and for a lot of us for the rest of our lives. We just get it without words.
:)
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and prior to the internet we would have been left twisting in the wind...
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Can't imagine how I'd feel about our movie if DC hadn't come along when it did. Twisting in the wind sounds pretty apt to me, Jack.
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and prior to the internet we would have been left twisting in the wind...
twisting and delmaring indeed
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I'd have been desperate without the forum. Not well for a looooong time, that's for sure.
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and prior to the internet we would have been left twisting in the wind...
Oh goodness...that's a thought. :(
I don't know a single other person who "gets" it. I did take two women friends to see it and they were completely unmoved and indifferent. That's when I realized I was on my own with the effects of it and looked on the net...what a relief!
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Didn't really know where to post this....but just to say ...if I hadn't seen the film or read the s/s this wouldn't have meant a thing to me....or affected me the way it did.
It has been veeery cold here this last few days...but I was going stir crazy and needed to get out.
I had decided to go walking on the Derbyshire Peaks where I knew it would be extremely cold but
though cold....the sun was shinning . I needed a good thick sweater to wear. As I rumaged through
the drawer under the bed......I put my hand on a sweater I had forgotten all about. The last time I wore it
was when I went to Alberta to search for some little thing about BBM. I put it away unwashed thinking I would do it later. I pulled it out of the drawer .....lay it out on the bed and looked at it.....remembering. I picked it up
held it to my face.....and breathed in. There was no trace of pine or sage or mountain fresh air. It was only then that
I realised I was doing what Ennis had done to the shirts.
Needless to say....I put the sweater back in the drawer.....unwashed.
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Oh, (((((((Sue))))))).
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:-* Sue :'(
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Didn't really know where to post this....but just to say ...if I hadn't seen the film or read the s/s this wouldn't have meant a thing to me....or affected me the way it did.
It has been veeery cold here this last few days...but I was going stir crazy and needed to get out.
I had decided to go walking on the Derbyshire Peaks where I knew it would be extremely cold but
though cold....the sun was shinning . I needed a good thick sweater to wear. As I rumaged through
the drawer under the bed......I put my hand on a sweater I had forgotten all about. The last time I wore it
was when I went to Alberta to search for some little thing about BBM. I put it away unwashed thinking I would do it later. I pulled it out of the drawer .....lay it out on the bed and looked at it.....remembering. I picked it up
held it to my face.....and breathed in. There was no trace of pine or sage or mountain fresh air. It was only then that
I realised I was doing what Ennis had done to the shirts.
Needless to say....I put the sweater back in the drawer.....unwashed.
Oh my goodness Sue! We understand. :(
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ago today
I saw a movie that I will never forget.
A movie that changed my life.
Thank you, Ang, Annie, Diana, Larry, Jake, Heath, Michelle, Anne, Gustavo, Rodrigo, James!
Thank you, Dave & Meli!
Thank you, lovely Diner & Lasher friends.
Thank you, my dear and wonderful Brokeback friends.
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F4.bp.blogspot.com%2F-2lCtql-io9Q%2FT-SV4UqOtOI%2FAAAAAAAALSY%2F4DpvKu4vNKY%2Fs320%2Fbrokeback%252Bmountain.jpg&hash=5b3a3476d9e216038be680214c9af926e714f554)
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Yay!
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:-*
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Congratulations on your 9 year anniversary, Ingy!!
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great post, Ing!
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Alles gute zum Brokeback Geburtstag, Ingy!
(Is that right? I don't have a large German repertoire. :) )
Nine years....damn!
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Congratulations on your 9 year anniversary, Ingy!!
9 years!
Awesome! :-*
Just keep on lovin' it, Ingy.
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ago today
I saw a movie that I will never forget.
A movie that changed my life.
Thank you, Ang, Annie, Diana, Larry, Jake, Heath, Michelle, Anne, Gustavo, Rodrigo, James!
Thank you, Dave & Meli!
Thank you, lovely Diner & Lasher friends.
Thank you, my dear and wonderful Brokeback friends.
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F4.bp.blogspot.com%2F-2lCtql-io9Q%2FT-SV4UqOtOI%2FAAAAAAAALSY%2F4DpvKu4vNKY%2Fs320%2Fbrokeback%252Bmountain.jpg&hash=5b3a3476d9e216038be680214c9af926e714f554)
How lovely! Congratulations Ingy and here's to the next nine. :-*
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Big congrats on your 9th Brokieversary, Ingy! :-*
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Its been 9 years since the film was released. It doesn't seem like it has been 9 years. I wonder where Heath Ledger's career would have taken him if he were still alive.
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Who's to say, but I bet that he would have been underrated by some. Such is the lot of genius. :(
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Who's to say, but I bet that he would have been underrated by some. Such is the lot of genius. :(
I think that he might have become one of the best actors in film history. He certainly was going places at the time of his death.
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Who's to say, but I bet that he would have been underrated by some. Such is the lot of genius. :(
You think so, Andy? I did read an article recently that said it was such a shame Heath's last film (Parnassus) was mediocre... That he should've ended his career with a bang, so to speak.
I thought that was such a weird statement. No-one could have known it was to become his last film, of course, plus I can imagine that, after The Joker, everything would seem mediocre.
I would've liked for Heath and Jake to collaborate more. They were (and would've been) great creative partners - Jake once said that, I believe.
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You think so, Andy? I did read an article recently that said it was such a shame Heath's last film (Parnassus) was mediocre... That he should've ended his career with a bang, so to speak.
I thought that was such a weird statement. No-one could have known it was to become his last film, of course, plus I can imagine that, after The Joker, everything would seem mediocre.
I would've liked for Heath and Jake to collaborate more. They were (and would've been) great creative partners - Jake once said that, I believe.
I also happen to think that Heath and Jake would have been great creative partners, if they would have had the chance to work with each other again.
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On March 13, 2006 I read this article in the NY Times. 15 minutes later I joined the forum.
Upset 'Brokeback' Fans Advertise Their Feelings
By STUART ELLIOTT
Published: March 13, 2006
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/03/13/business/media/13brokeback.html?_r=0 (http://www.nytimes.com/2006/03/13/business/media/13brokeback.html?_r=0)
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi73.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fi216%2Fellenclaire_photos%2Ftdsvarietyad2.jpg&hash=cc39953a19dfd99f9658b2a5a0943c023ea29b00)
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Wow, John, I'd almost forgotten we did that. It's hard to remember how the emotions were running then but, boy, did we get things done and leave our stamp on the world. :)
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I just can't believe how different my life would be now if Brokeback hadn't happened.
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Same here.
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You hit the nail on the head, Sara.
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ABSOLUTELY, I totally agree with all of you! It was a magical time back then, and we did accomplish so much!!
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ABSOLUTELY, I totally agree with all of you! It was a magical time back then, and we did accomplish so much!!
Well said. but are we done? V.
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On March 13, 2006 I read this article in the NY Times. 15 minutes later I joined the forum.
Upset 'Brokeback' Fans Advertise Their Feelings
By STUART ELLIOTT
Published: March 13, 2006
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/03/13/business/media/13brokeback.html?_r=0 (http://www.nytimes.com/2006/03/13/business/media/13brokeback.html?_r=0)
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi73.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fi216%2Fellenclaire_photos%2Ftdsvarietyad2.jpg&hash=cc39953a19dfd99f9658b2a5a0943c023ea29b00)
We did the DVD to Libraries campaign at the same time. I've placed 6 -- a modest number compared with what some other forum members did -- all well-received except the library in my home town. The DVD never appeared on the shelves and the librarian actually told me that they "didn't catalogue donations" and it must be checked out. AFAIK they threw it away. But 5 out 6 isn't bad.
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Well said. but are we done? V.
Not yet!!
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On March 13, 2006 I read this article in the NY Times. 15 minutes later I joined the forum.
Upset 'Brokeback' Fans Advertise Their Feelings
By STUART ELLIOTT
Published: March 13, 2006
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/03/13/business/media/13brokeback.html?_r=0 (http://www.nytimes.com/2006/03/13/business/media/13brokeback.html?_r=0)
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi73.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fi216%2Fellenclaire_photos%2Ftdsvarietyad2.jpg&hash=cc39953a19dfd99f9658b2a5a0943c023ea29b00)
I think it's so cool that the members of this forum did something like this. I don't think that I have ever really seen such a passionate fan response to a film before. I certainly think that the cast and crew of "Brokeback Mountain" must have appreciated it.
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Yes, this was "magical" as Linda says. We members came together to right a most awful wrong unlike has been done before (or since). V.
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Question: Given the emotional upheaval many experienced on viewing/reading BBM, should this film/story have come with a trigger warning?
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And if yes, how should the warning have been worded? :)
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And if yes, how should the warning have been worded? :)
For a start "Brokeback Fever" could involve the following:
Symptoms include obsessive thinking about the movie/story, disturbed sleep patterns, weeping/sobbing, and a need to discuss it endlessly with family, friends, and coworkers.
Some have reported physical symptoms, including aching joints, throbbing head, and a mild depression that can last for hours or days.
Additional symptoms that have been identified include obsessive reading about the movie (reviews, interviews, etc), listening to the soundtrack repeatedly, and a desire to write fan letters to authors Proulx, Ossana, and McMurtry, director Ang Lee, and stars Heath Ledger, Jake Gyllenhaal, Michelle Williams and Anne Hathaway.
http://nursing.advanceweb.com/Article/Brokeback-Fever.aspx
I myself experienced obsessive thinking, depressed emotions and a compulsive need to discuss the movie on this forum. These reactions lasted for months on end.
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I've never seen that article before.
Thanks for posting it, MM!
As for your question, my answer would be no. I've never heard anyone regret they ever saw they movie, quite the contrary.
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I know of many who were untouched by it and one or two who didn't like it, but none who regretted seeing it.
I think I had most of those symptoms. Not depression though - it was more like being in love, though touched by a deep sadness and grieving (it was soon after Heath had died). I didn't have any physical aches, but it certainly affected my sleep, and I noticed that I tended to breathe too fast much of the time - an anxiety state, I suppose. Certainly very emotional and easily moved to tears, though not in a bad way...
And desperate to talk about it - and I was amazed to find that others felt the same way.
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it was more like being in love, though touched by a deep sadness and grieving
Snap. Some of what I wrote at the time:
"You are filled with grief and longing, which maddens you because you don't know where to put these feelings or what to do with them. It's like being in love - hopelessly in love - with someone or something out of reach."
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Thanks for posting it, MM!
A pleasure Sason.
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Snap. Some of what I wrote at the time:
"You are filled with grief and longing, which maddens you because you don't know where to put these feelings or what to do with them. It's like being in love - hopelessly in love - with someone or something out of reach."
Yes, exactly! :)
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"You are filled with grief and longing, which maddens you because you don't know where to put these feelings or what to do with them. It's like being in love - hopelessly in love - with someone or something out of reach."
This is it exactly. And nine years after the rest of the world had seen it!
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^^
I'm still shell shocked. All these feelings and don't know what to do with them or where to go with them.
I move through my days in a kind of haze. Even after 10 years.....I'm feel I'm reaching out for something that is
out of reach and that perhaps...... doesn't even exist.
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reaching out for something that is out of reach
Just a thought. I have an interest in sufism and its mystics have long written about the longing experienced by an "awakened heart" - stating "the heart longs for God, and seeks to find its true Beloved".
One of them, a woman named Rabia, wrote:
The source of my grief and loneliness is deep in my breast.
This is a disease no doctor can cure.
Only union with the Friend can cure it.
IMO somehow and in some way this movie subtly reflected this theme through the story of Ennis and Jack - "awakening hearts" in people who, like us in this post religious age, "don't know where to put these feelings or what to do with them".
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That's an interesting interpretation, MM.
For me, those extremely intense feelings have slowly subsided with time.
Thankfully, because they took over my life and made me quite dysfunctional to the point where I couldn't go to work.
OTOH, I also miss that time. The raw emotions and intensity of it all made me feel alive in a strange way.
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"You are filled with grief and longing, which maddens you because you don't know where to put these feelings or what to do with them. It's like being in love - hopelessly in love - with someone or something out of reach."
The perfect definition.
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For me, those extremely intense feelings have slowly subsided with time.
Thankfully, because they took over my life and made me quite dysfunctional to the point where I couldn't go to work.
OTOH, I also miss that time. The raw emotions and intensity of it all made me feel alive in a strange way.
yes, yes, and yes
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^^^
All of that for me too.
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^^^^^
Ditto
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I know of many who were untouched by it and one or two who didn't like it, but none who regretted seeing it.
[...] it was more like being in love, though touched by a deep sadness [...] I didn't have any physical aches, but it certainly affected my sleep. And desperate to talk about it - and I was amazed to find that others felt the same way.
All of this for me. I was amazed when I first came across this forum in 2012, and couldn't stop reading. Amazed that so many people from all over the world felt exactly like the way I did at the time - only several years earlier. That was surreal. And magical. And a feeling of 'finding my place', so to speak. 'Coming home' - as I couldn't talk to anyone else about it. Not in real life. I mean, how weird is it to be so overwhelmed by a movie? That only happens to kids and teens, doesn't it?! Not when you're in your 40s... and certainly not to me - someone who's very down to earth and practical, usually ;D
I've tried to fight it, the Brokeback feeling. I couldn't, though.
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those extremely intense feelings have slowly subsided with time.
Yes those feelings have subsided - you couldn't function otherwise. But something significant happened - an experience beyond the every day. IMO the urgent drive to understand led to all that minute analysis scene by scene and all those Brokie trips to visit the key sites of the film as if somewhere in all this activity one might discover the key.
This film set people off on a search which hopefully they will continue - the song may have ended but the melody lingers on.
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...the song may have ended but the melody lingers on.
Oh,yes. :)
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...the song may have ended but the melody lingers on.
How beautiful. I'll remember that.
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PS When I first started posting on this forum (in the symbolism thread) I suggested that embodied in the story of Jack and Ennis are powerful archetypal images. Here is a summary of information I recently gleaned on the subject which may shed some light on why we all have been so powerfully affected in similar ways.
The philosopher Carl Jung believed that universal, mythic characters—archetypes—reside within the collective unconscious of people the world over. Archetypes represent fundamental human motifs of our experience as we evolved; consequentially, they evoke deep emotions.
Because an archetype speaks to the basic human experience, it communicates meaning and emotion in all forms of literature - from folklore to the classics. Since stories communicate truths about who we are (identity) and where we're going (destination), the most common archetypes are rendered through character and symbolism/situation.
One writer states that "A true encounter with an archetype is not only an experience of re-enchantment but also an experience which shakes us to our core".
Jung described the power of the archetype as "numinous" as it is experienced as having qualities of the divine.
IMO Brokeback Mountain tapped into the power of archetypal imagery (eg. Climbing the mountain; the union of lovers etc) which may explain the similar powerful responses we report experiencing.
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Very striking arguments. I'm strongly inclined to agree.
:)
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the song may have ended but the melody lingers on.
Oh, I like that. Very poetic. And true.
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MM, you very often seem to find the right and very well put words to express what's been going on in our hearts, souls and brains for the past 10 years.
:)
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MM, you very often seem to find the right and very well put words to express what's been going on in our hearts, souls and brains for the past 10 years.
:)
Has it been that long!! :o
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the song may have ended but the melody lingers on.
Yes - it is poetic - and the credit goes to - Irving Berlin!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UG9Ywkx05xo
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The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along.
― Rumi
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^^^
Why do have tears in my eyes reading all of this ?
Why does that picture tear me apart even today ?
I so want to stop the overwhelming ...(.would you call it)....... "hurt"..."pain" ?
I want peace in my heart and soul.
But if it went away....would I forget this masochistic yet beautiful "thing" ?
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Yes - it is poetic - and the credit goes to - Irving Berlin!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UG9Ywkx05xo
Nice to know where it comes from!
Whatever the source, I think it fits perfectly in the context you used it in.
Describes our Brokie experience so far to a T.
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Hello everyone - i don't know if any of you remember me, but I posted here back in 2006 after I first watched BBM.
I explained many things about trouble with my sexuality etc and was in a real rut. I have read over some of my previous posts - and man am I embarrassed by some of them. I am 33 now and was 24 back then! RIDICULOUS lol.
I am in a loving relationship and have friends who know I am gay. I am far happier than I have ever been - although not perfect, my family still don't know.
I think BBM really helped me come to terms with a lot and helped me grow.
Thank you :)
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Good for you, Michael.
Remember, you have nothing whatever to feel guilty about. Nothing.
You are as God or nature made you, depending on your beliefs, and God, or nature, is quite happy with that!
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Hello everyone - i don't know if any of you remember me, but I posted here back in 2006 after I first watched BBM.
I explained many things about trouble with my sexuality etc and was in a real rut. I have read over some of my previous posts - and man am I embarrassed by some of them. I am 33 now and was 24 back then! RIDICULOUS lol.
I am in a loving relationship and have friends who know I am gay. I am far happier than I have ever been - although not perfect, my family still don't know.
I think BBM really helped me come to terms with a lot and helped me grow.
Thank you :)
Hello Michael. We've never met (I didn't come here till 2008, wow, that's 6 f*cking years next week!) but hope you'll be around again sometimes now. I'm Sara from Devon. :)
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Good to have you back, Michael, and to hear that things are going well for you!
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Hello everyone - i don't know if any of you remember me, but I posted here back in 2006 after I first watched BBM.
I explained many things about trouble with my sexuality etc and was in a real rut. I have read over some of my previous posts - and man am I embarrassed by some of them. I am 33 now and was 24 back then! RIDICULOUS lol.
I am in a loving relationship and have friends who know I am gay. I am far happier than I have ever been - although not perfect, my family still don't know.
I think BBM really helped me come to terms with a lot and helped me grow.
Thank you :)
Fantastic news, Michael!! Thanks so much for returning and letting us know how things are for you! I wish more members would return and let us know how things are in their lives. I am so glad there is so much positivity in your life. It means so much to all of us to know how things have changed in your life and other lives as well.
Don't be embarrassed by what you wrote back then, as we all wrote things when we were at the height of our feelings, that are different now.
Thanks again for returning and letting us know how things are now. Don't be a stranger.
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i recall your early posts, michaelback. we were just glad we were there for you at the time, and happy to hear of your progress in life and self acceptance. we all have our journey, no matter where we start.
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i will tell you when all of this most comes to mind, and i will ask forgiveness in advance if it seems as though i am projecting a romantic paradigm on another human being ungraciously.
whenever i see pictures of jake gylenhaal as he is today in unguarded moments, i see a stricken look, as if the flavor of life had been sucked away, the colors muted. when i see that look, all of it comes flooding back, as if life mirrored art, but in reverse. i think if you have seen some of those pictures, you will know the look that i mean.
in a recent article, he came as close as i have yet heard him to acknowledging that loss, and i grieve with him.
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Hi everyone!
I don't know if this is the right thread to say this, but damn I am so glad to have found this place... I watched Brokeback Mountain ten years ago, and even though I liked it I never really thought about it much (maybe I was too young for such a serious movie), and it took me a few years to watch the film again and really understand how beautiful and perfect it is. I was blown away, and it became one of my favorite films. All good so far... But then the last week I was feeling a bit nostalgic, and decided to watch the film one more time, even though I knew I tend to get too emotional. And it seems I'm stuck... I've been doing nothing but watch Brokeback Mountain again and again, and fucking cry like a baby for six days in a row. Even when I'm on the street, or at work, I can't get this story, this characters and their sadness, or this music out of my head. This has never happened to me before. They are real to me, their tragedy seems to have resonated with me in a deep way... I know it will pass, but right now I'm still in the middle of this fever, and I felt the need to share it with people who could relate to it.
I wish I'd found this site sooner... sorry for my bad english, it's not my first language, I hope you'll be able to understand me though. Cheers!
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Hello Bean! Welcome to the Ultimate Brokeback Mountain Forum!
My name is Chuck (USA/ New Jersey) and I'm one of the moderators who helps run the place.
It's always great to see new members find us and join up!
I'm going to supply you with a few links that you may find helpful. You may have already been in a few threads in these sections, but you may find some new topics you want to post in. If you see that a topic is "old", please don't feel that you shouldn't post. You never know what conversation would be started because you posted.
The Film & Book (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?board=1.0)
In this section you can find threads to compare the movie to the short story (Film Vs. Book), your favorite quote from the movie or book, and general discussion of Brokeback.
The Impact on Society & Ourselves (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?board=3.0[/url)
In this section you can find threads about reactions of the audience, how the movie affected you, and other topics.
Scene-By-Scene (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?board=34.0)
Here you will find threads that talk about various scenes from the movie.
Elements & Themes (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?board=61.0)
This is where you'll find threads that talk about Jack, Ennis, their relationship, the women of Brokeback, and other elements.
There are other sections as well where you'll find chat threads (The Diner, Le Bar Slash) fan fiction discussion, TV, movies, music, and countless other threads.
If you want to let fellow members know a little about yourself, you can do that here.
New Members - Introduce Yourselves (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=8797.0)
Have fun exploring!
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Hello Bean,
Welcome!! I am Linda/killersmom, (USA/New Mexico) an administrator here on the forum.
You'd be surprised how many people have a delayed reaction to the movie, what we call "Brokie Fever", so your story is familiar.
Your English is just fine and your post was understood very easily.
Chuck recommended some very good threads for you, to understand that you are definitely not alone in your feelings. We've all been through it.
I hope you will continue to come visit us. Please don't be shy about asking questions of any of us here.
Once again, welcome!
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Bean,
You have come to the right place, my friend!
There are many wonderful, kind, supportive people here who were affected by the movie just like you were, and understand how you feel.
You'll enjoy reading the various places on this site. Post anytime. It's always nice having a new "Brokie" here! Makes us remember all over again how BROKEBACK touched our lives.
Regards,
Mark
(I'm called Ennis Del Mark on the forum)
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Welcome, Bean. We understand.
And your English is perfect!
Sara
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Welcome, Bean! Fritz from Arlington VA USA!
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Bienvenue Bean!
:)
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Welcome, Bean. You landed in just the right spot. :)
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Hi Bean! Welcome! :)
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Update - Dave Cullen Forum
Hello DCF members. We have another update to give you.
Regarding the forum's migration, the first two steps will be taking place this coming Monday (9/28). The forum will be taken offline, a final back-up will be performed and then the update will take place.
We don't have an exact time that the forum will be down, but we don't expect it to be longer than one day.
Once the back-up and update are complete, the forum will be online again we can begin to prepare for the migration to the new server. When this takes place, the forum will be offline again while the migration takes place. We are not sure when this will be, but will let you know when and how long.
Regarding the set up of the banking and PayPal accounts, they are both done. The account had to be opened in my name, because DCF doesn't have an actual EIN number. The PayPal account is set-up, and just needs to be confirmed. Once the confirmation takes place, we are able to accept donations. If you are unable or would prefer not to use PayPal, a check can always be mailed to me. Just contact me via PM, and I'll give you my mailing addresses. I have already received one donation this way.
We will be keeping a list of donations and donors, as basic recordkeeping, but this will remain private.
Monthly statements will be published for members to view.
Just as a reminder, there will be a cost for the back-up & update, and a cost for the migration. After that, the cost for keeping the forum up and running will be approximately $40.00 a month.
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I just wanted to share for those of you who aren't following the event topic.
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi275.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fjj282%2FSanFranciscoJohn%2FDiana%2520Tucson_zpszzvdpy7y.jpg&hash=271b399f2386254bacc2195db2a06f791f88c56e) (http://s275.photobucket.com/user/SanFranciscoJohn/media/Diana%20Tucson_zpszzvdpy7y.jpg.html)
Message from Diana:
"Thank you all who came so far to see Brokeback on the big screen at The Loft. The 35 mm print was stunning. Larry and I both are deeply touched by how this film has affected each of you. And I am so lucky, so grateful, to have played a part in its long journey and introduction into your lives. And to each of you in this group and beyond, your stories, your lovely gifts, and the ways in which Brokeback has changed your lives mean more to me than any award ever could. Truly..."
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Thanks John for relaying Dianna's message. She's one lady I'd love to share with over a dinner table.
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Hi, new to the forum. I just wanted to say that I weep everytime I watch this movie. It makes me feel so grateful to have been born in 71 and not earlier. I see many similarities between Jack and myself, and I know that had it been me, in that time in America along with the feelings I have toward men, that I would have come to the same fate. i think I weep more for the thousands of untold/ closeted stories of this kind of "forbidden love" that has ruined or complicated needlessly many people's lives in many cultures and societies since the dawn of time as generally, gay love is seen as unnatural.
I treasure this time in history with my husband cause I know that at any time, winds can blow, religious fervour can rise and we may find ourselves again persecuted. Minorities are always in danger of intolerance by dominate cultures. Even now, in 2015, I still don't feel 100% safe. There is always that nagging feeling that one day I could still get bashed. May just be left over social anxiety though. Either way, real to me, like it was real to Ennis.
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Welcome Brian. All of us here have one kind of story or another. You're in a safe place on this forum so feel free to share on the many threads available. :)
P.S. A few more posts and you will be able to communicate via PM with any of us.
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Thanks for the safe place. Lol. I just watched BBM for the first time in years. The whole watching a dead guy act thing. It will be a while before I can watch robin Williams's again. It's been long enough so, watching it everyday for last week and seeing little nuances and directorial choices that really do make this movie a masterpiece. I'll post some more when I get back from xmas shopping. Got lots to say. I'm an English major so, I'm good at dissecting the crap out of lit and movies. Bbl
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Hey Brian! Welcome to the Forum!
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Hello Brian S! Welcome to the Ultimate Brokeback Mountain Forum!
My name is Chuck (USA/ New Jersey) and I'm one of the moderators who helps run the place.
It's always great to see new members find us and join up!
I can see from your increasing post count that you're searching around the forum! Good! I'm going to supply you with a few links that you may find helpful. You may have already been in a few threads in these sections, but you may find some new topics you want to post in. If you see that a topic is "old", please don't feel that you shouldn't post. You never know what conversation would be started because you posted.
The Film & Book (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?board=1.0)
In this section you can find threads to compare the movie to the short story (Film Vs. Book), your favorite quote from the movie or book, and general discussion of Brokeback.
The Impact on Society & Ourselves (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?board=3.0[/url)
In this section you can find threads about reactions of the audience, how the movie affected you, and other topics.
Scene-By-Scene (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?board=34.0)
Here you will find threads that talk about various scenes from the movie.
Elements & Themes (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?board=61.0)
This is where you'll find threads that talk about Jack, Ennis, their relationship, the women of Brokeback, and other elements.
There are other sections as well where you'll find chat threads (The Diner, Le Bar Slash) fan fiction discussion, TV, movies, music, and countless other threads.
Have fun exploring!
-
Because of the movie, this.......10 years later
(https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-En0miYxVFIU/Vqft_xOquSI/AAAAAAAAiP4/7tkyiIB6C6c/s1024-Ic42/NR1.jpg)
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Geaux Nick and Rob!
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great work, Nick! Love it!
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Because of the movie, this.......10 years later
(https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-En0miYxVFIU/Vqft_xOquSI/AAAAAAAAiP4/7tkyiIB6C6c/s1024-Ic42/NR1.jpg)
I LOVE THIS and it is so wonderful to see some shots that were taken at my BBQ way back in 2006!! Much love to you both! ♥ ♥ ♥
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Because of the movie, this.......10 years later
Stopped me in my tracks. Awesome! V.
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Hello,
I realise this is a very old thread started many years ago but I thought that if I posted here I might receive a little clarity even by simply writing because I am very confused.
I saw Brokeback Mountain for the first time last year. I'd never heard of it before and knew nothing about it. One night last year I sat down to watch Telly, I didn't know what I wanted to watch and whilst scrolling through the TV guide, I saw one of the channels advertising 'Academy Award Winning Brokeback Mountain. I decided to watch it afterall, it had won oscars so it should be somewhat decent. When I saw the scene of Ennis and Jack's first night together in the tent, I was surprised, I hadn't expected it but it didn't seem unnatural on the contrary, it seemed the most natural thing in the world to happen. I became engrossed after that and the ending came too soon for me. I loved it and could not get it out of my head.
The next day I watched it again on my laptop. I then watched everything there was on Youtube about the moving. I then read everything there was to read about the movie online. I then went and bought the short story from Amazon and read that. I then shared Sarah Brightman's song 'this love' and posted my love of the movie on Facebook but I didn't get any likes or comments. This surprised me, I realised the movie was over ten years old but it is a famous movie surely others had seen it and loved it like I did. Ok, I only saw it for the first time in 2015 but in 2005, I had a newborn baby, other small children and a bad marriage. Back then, I didn't see any movies but that's another story
Because I didn't get any likes or comments on Facebook in relation to my post on Brokeback Mountain, I started to question my obsession with this movie. This was the most beautiful albeit tragic true love story I'd ever seen or read. A masterpiece, up there with Shakespear's 'Romeo and Juliet and Jane Austin's 'Pride and Prejudice'. Surely others 'got it' like I did so why didn't I get any feedback on Facebook, my posts usually did, was it the 'gay thing'?
I didn't see Jack and Ennis as gay. I hadn't really thought of their relationship as gay until after I'd read articles online. I saw their love as beyond labelling. I also found myself lacking sympathy for Alma and I should have had sympathy for her because I was her for a long time, overwork in a loveless marriage. I know she got hurt and she was a victim but I don't think she could ever understand the force that drove Ennis in Jack's direction,
I've also started for the first time in my life to think and question by own sexuality. I'm a 49 year old mother of four. I've only ever had sexual relationships with men. I've fallen in and out of love with a couple of men. I've had very few close females in my life and as a matter of fact, I find it much easier to talk and form friendships with men. That said,most of the men I became close friends with, I ended up sleeping with and there were a couple of women that I got very close to and wanted to sleep with but never did. Isn't only natural to want to sleep with a person you hold a deep connection with even if the person is of the same sex? Is this true of most people or am I wrong? I need to know
Brokeback Mountain was the best movie I've ever seen. Why it didn't win Best Picture at the Oscars is a total mystery to me. As for the acting, wow, were Jake and Heath 100% acting or was there a real life connection there? If it was pure acting, then it was totally amazing however I'm not convinced it was
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Hi Blownaway. Welcome.
What a wonderful film it is. It has affected more people than we will ever know.
Like you...I'm ashamed to say I felt no sympathies for Alma either. I think it's because we loved Jack and Ennis so much and wanted them to be together always. It's almost like we blamed her for Jack and Ennis not being able to be together when really it was Ennis and all of his insecurities....and of course the era they were living in.
Life is strange. We think we want one thing....then in a moment of clarity we realise
we want the opposite. BUT....with relationships heterosexual or gay.....other people
can hurt while you are finding out which way you will finally go.
So life can be very much like Brokeback Mountain.....you may not want to cause hurt
to anyone but there can be casualties. Explore and find out what and who you want
but tread carefully.
Hope you stay here onboard at the Forum.
-
Welcome, blownaway.
I has a relationship where I was Alma.
This film helped me recover from it.
You're ten years late, but you're in good company!
Feel free to post more! It's thrilling to know that our little film has stood the test of time and that people are still drawn to it :)
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Hello BlownAway! Welcome to the Ultimate Brokeback Mountain Forum!
My name is Chuck (USA/ New Jersey) and I'm one of the moderators who helps run the place.
It's always great to see new members find us and join up!
I'm going to supply you with a few links that you may find helpful. You may have already been in a few threads in these sections, but you may find some new topics you want to post in. If you see that a topic is "old", please don't feel that you shouldn't post. You never know what conversation would be started because you posted.
The Film & Book (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?board=1.0)
In this section you can find threads to compare the movie to the short story (Film Vs. Book), your favorite quote from the movie or book, and general discussion of Brokeback.
The Impact on Society & Ourselves (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?board=3.0[/url)
In this section you can find threads about reactions of the audience, how the movie affected you, and other topics.
Scene-By-Scene (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?board=34.0)
Here you will find threads that talk about various scenes from the movie.
Elements & Themes (http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?board=61.0)
This is where you'll find threads that talk about Jack, Ennis, their relationship, the women of Brokeback, and other elements.
There are other sections as well where you'll find chat threads (The Diner, Le Bar Slash) fan fiction discussion, TV, movies, music, and countless other threads.
Have fun exploring!
-
Hello,
I realise this is a very old thread started many years ago but I thought that if I posted here I might receive a little clarity even by simply writing because I am very confused.
I saw Brokeback Mountain for the first time last year. I'd never heard of it before and knew nothing about it. One night last year I sat down to watch Telly, I didn't know what I wanted to watch and whilst scrolling through the TV guide, I saw one of the channels advertising 'Academy Award Winning Brokeback Mountain. I decided to watch it afterall, it had won oscars so it should be somewhat decent. When I saw the scene of Ennis and Jack's first night together in the tent, I was surprised, I hadn't expected it but it didn't seem unnatural on the contrary, it seemed the most natural thing in the world to happen. I became engrossed after that and the ending came too soon for me. I loved it and could not get it out of my head.
The next day I watched it again on my laptop. I then watched everything there was on Youtube about the moving. I then read everything there was to read about the movie online. I then went and bought the short story from Amazon and read that. I then shared Sarah Brightman's song 'this love' and posted my love of the movie on Facebook but I didn't get any likes or comments. This surprised me, I realised the movie was over ten years old but it is a famous movie surely others had seen it and loved it like I did. Ok, I only saw it for the first time in 2015 but in 2005, I had a newborn baby, other small children and a bad marriage. Back then, I didn't see any movies but that's another story
Because I didn't get any likes or comments on Facebook in relation to my post on Brokeback Mountain, I started to question my obsession with this movie. This was the most beautiful albeit tragic true love story I'd ever seen or read. A masterpiece, up there with Shakespear's 'Romeo and Juliet and Jane Austin's 'Pride and Prejudice'. Surely others 'got it' like I did so why didn't I get any feedback on Facebook, my posts usually did, was it the 'gay thing'?
I didn't see Jack and Ennis as gay. I hadn't really thought of their relationship as gay until after I'd read articles online. I saw their love as beyond labelling. I also found myself lacking sympathy for Alma and I should have had sympathy for her because I was her for a long time, overwork in a loveless marriage. I know she got hurt and she was a victim but I don't think she could ever understand the force that drove Ennis in Jack's direction,
I've also started for the first time in my life to think and question by own sexuality. I'm a 49 year old mother of four. I've only ever had sexual relationships with men. I've fallen in and out of love with a couple of men. I've had very few close females in my life and as a matter of fact, I find it much easier to talk and form friendships with men. That said,most of the men I became close friends with, I ended up sleeping with and there were a couple of women that I got very close to and wanted to sleep with but never did. Isn't only natural to want to sleep with a person you hold a deep connection with even if the person is of the same sex? Is this true of most people or am I wrong? I need to know
Brokeback Mountain was the best movie I've ever seen. Why it didn't win Best Picture at the Oscars is a total mystery to me. As for the acting, wow, were Jake and Heath 100% acting or was there a real life connection there? If it was pure acting, then it was totally amazing however I'm not convinced it was
Hi there, Blownaway. I'm glad that you liked "Brokeback Mountain" (2005) and I hope that you will like this forum as well. Its interesting to see how "Brokeback Mountain" can still have a major emotional effect on recent viewers of the film nearly 11 years after its theatrical release. Its also very nice to see a new person commenting on this forum. Personally, I have never read Annie Proulx's short story, but I have heard a lot about it. I have also never seen the opera nor the British stage play that are based on the short story. I know that there are numerous books that have been written about the short story, the film and their impact on readers, viewers and popular culture over the years, but I have never read any of them. I have heard a lot about them though. There is also a straight-to-DVD film version of the opera, but I haven't seen that.
In regards to Alma, I felt sympathy for her, but I agree that she didn't understand the attraction that Ennis felt towards Jack, but I suppose you have to consider the time and place in which the film occurs. I also agree that Heath and Jake's performances are amazing, I think the fact that they became close friends by working on this film together, that certainly must have further helped with the chemistry between their characters. I don't think that the film made me question my sexuality. I am a heterosexual, married woman all the way. Is it common for some people to question their sexuality? Sure. Is it "natural" for adults to want to have sex with another non-related adult that they are emotionally attached to, even if they are the same-sex? I don't know, I cannot really say. I think that you would already have to have romantic and sexual feelings for people of the same-sex or eventually discover that you have those feelings if you are a "late bloomer". Sure, there are heterosexual, cisgender and LGBT people who sexually experiment with people of another sexual orientation and/or someone of the opposite-sex, but at the end of the day, they most likely still identify as heterosexual, cisgender, lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender. Only you can decide how you feel.
It would have been interesting if "Brokeback Mountain" had won Best Picture, but that is really all that one can say. It didn't win the award, but it hasn't stopped "Brokeback Mountain" from making viewers ask complex questions even almost 11 years later. I certainly think that you have come to the right place, if you are looking for people who share your enthusiasm about this film. There are also a few other interesting forums for fans of "Brokeback Mountain" as well, but the "davecullen . com" forum seem to be a bit more active than the other forums are. Thanks for posting your comment, Blownaway, I thought it was very interesting.
B.W.
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Hi Blownaway. Welcome.
What a wonderful film it is. It has affected more people than we will ever know.
Like you...I'm ashamed to say I felt no sympathies for Alma either. I think it's because we loved Jack and Ennis so much and wanted them to be together always. It's almost like we blamed her for Jack and Ennis not being able to be together when really it was Ennis and all of his insecurities....and of course the era they were living in.
Life is strange. We think we want one thing....then in a moment of clarity we realise
we want the opposite. BUT....with relationships heterosexual or gay.....other people
can hurt while you are finding out which way you will finally go.
So life can be very much like Brokeback Mountain.....you may not want to cause hurt
to anyone but there can be casualties. Explore and find out what and who you want
but tread carefully.
Hope you stay here onboard at the Forum.
I found this to be an interesting comment, suelyblu. It does seem that quite a few people who join the "davecullen . com forum" never seem to post here. I wish that more of them did post on here regularly. I also agree that life is certainly complex, romantic and sexual relationships are certainly no exception.
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Many thanks for the replies.
I've been thinking all day about BBM. I've read some more here and on other forums as recommended. I haven't written anything anyway for many years but I know its therapy for me to write, I could do it more often, I should do it more often, I will do it more often here.
I've thought alot over the past 24 hours about my sexuality. What am I?, only I can answer that, the answer has to be within me so I asked myself, am I attracted to men?, am I attracted to women? or both? Yea I am heterosexual but if sexual orientation is a pendulum whereby zero degrees is totally heterosexual and ninety degrees is bisexual and 180 degrees is totally homosexual then my tangent is at around 45 degrees.
I really get this movie and I'm glad I get it. I can identify and here's why. This is my story.
I was married for 15 years. I never loved my husband R, I married him for security. I had fallen madly in love with a guy in my early 20's, it didn't work out and I didn't think I could ever feel the same again about another human being but I didn't mind either because the pain of heartbreak was unbearable. I had known R for years before we married, he loved me, he was good looking, he was intelligent and he was predictable. So I married him and we had four children together. Of course it didn't work out and we separated in 2008. BTW, BBM made me realise the R was a victim in our marriage. For years I believed that I was the victim and I wore my victim status like a badge of honor . I played the role of Alma but R was the real Alma. R was happy with the status qua, I wasn't. I always wanted more, I was always searching to fill a void.
I met A in 2010. He came to me as a client. It was his wife who recommended me to him. She had been a previous client of mine. Long story short, we became very close very quickly. Our sessions together turned into a secret affair. I knew I was crossing the line both professionally and morally but I couldn't help it, wild horses couldn't stop me, the force that was drawing me to him was too strong.
Our Brokeback Mountain was a three week Humanitarian Aid road trip to Eastern Europe in the summer of 2010 It was just the two of us and nobody from our home town knew I went with him. For those three weeks, I tied up my hair in a french braid, never wore make up and wore only shorts and string tops. We drank wine and beer every night, made love every night and every morning, cooked outside in the open air, slept together in a narrow bunk and never ran out of things to talk about. It was the best time of my life, I was truly happy. Like Jack and Ennis, I felt 19, I was 43, he was 51
But it was forbidden love. It was a secret. We returned home and went back to normal. We continued to see each other secretly and took the same Humanitarian Aid trip again in 2011. I knew he wasn't happy at home, he had lived apart albeit under the same roof from his wife for many years. It was a marriage of keeping up appearances. I am Jack in our relationship. I urged him to leave and for a long time could not understand why he couldn't. He is Ennis. He did eventually leave and the truth came out about us and everyone got hurt.
We are still together but barely. Our relationship has always been turbulent. I have quit him several times and he has quit me. He did go back to his wife once but left again. I tried seeing other men but it was a waste of time. I see so many parallels within Jack and Ennis's relationship and my own with A. We have loved each other deeply but also hurt each other deeply.
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Now you know why this movie resonates with you so much. It has nothing to do with sexuality, but love.
Thank you for sharing such an intimate post with us, and welcome to the family.
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Many thanks for the replies.
I've been thinking all day about BBM. I've read some more here and on other forums as recommended. I haven't written anything anyway for many years but I know its therapy for me to write, I could do it more often, I should do it more often, I will do it more often here.
I've thought alot over the past 24 hours about my sexuality. What am I?, only I can answer that, the answer has to be within me so I asked myself, am I attracted to men?, am I attracted to women? or both? Yea I am heterosexual but if sexual orientation is a pendulum whereby zero degrees is totally heterosexual and ninety degrees is bisexual and 180 degrees is totally homosexual then my tangent is at around 45 degrees.
I really get this movie and I'm glad I get it. I can identify and here's why. This is my story.
I was married for 15 years. I never loved my husband R, I married him for security. I had fallen madly in love with a guy in my early 20's, it didn't work out and I didn't think I could ever feel the same again about another human being but I didn't mind either because the pain of heartbreak was unbearable. I had known R for years before we married, he loved me, he was good looking, he was intelligent and he was predictable. So I married him and we had four children together. Of course it didn't work out and we separated in 2008. BTW, BBM made me realise the R was a victim in our marriage. For years I believed that I was the victim and I wore my victim status like a badge of honor . I played the role of Alma but R was the real Alma. R was happy with the status qua, I wasn't. I always wanted more, I was always searching to fill a void.
I met A in 2010. He came to me as a client. It was his wife who recommended me to him. She had been a previous client of mine. Long story short, we became very close very quickly. Our sessions together turned into a secret affair. I knew I was crossing the line both professionally and morally but I couldn't help it, wild horses couldn't stop me, the force that was drawing me to him was too strong.
Our Brokeback Mountain was a three week Humanitarian Aid road trip to Eastern Europe in the summer of 2010 It was just the two of us and nobody from our home town knew I went with him. For those three weeks, I tied up my hair in a french braid, never wore make up and wore only shorts and string tops. We drank wine and beer every night, made love every night and every morning, cooked outside in the open air, slept together in a narrow bunk and never ran out of things to talk about. It was the best time of my life, I was truly happy. Like Jack and Ennis, I felt 19, I was 43, he was 51
But it was forbidden love. It was a secret. We returned home and went back to normal. We continued to see each other secretly and took the same Humanitarian Aid trip again in 2011. I knew he wasn't happy at home, he had lived apart albeit under the same roof from his wife for many years. It was a marriage of keeping up appearances. I am Jack in our relationship. I urged him to leave and for a long time could not understand why he couldn't. He is Ennis. He did eventually leave and the truth came out about us and everyone got hurt.
We are still together but barely. Our relationship has always been turbulent. I have quit him several times and he has quit me. He did go back to his wife once but left again. I tried seeing other men but it was a waste of time. I see so many parallels within Jack and Ennis's relationship and my own with A. We have loved each other deeply but also hurt each other deeply.
Blownaway,
Hi. Thanks for sharing your story. I am sorry about the difficult relationship experiences that you have gone through. I hope one day that you can find a happy and fulfilling relationship with someone who is out of this world. By learning more of your story, it is even more understandable as to how you can relate to this film. Personally, I could never imagine falling in love with someone other than my husband. I would probably be filled with unquenchable feelings of jealousy and rage if he fell in love with another woman. So, I cannot fully blame Alma for feeling hurt, angry, betrayed and confused over Ennis's 20-year romantic and sexual love affair with Jack. It would have to be devastating beyond words that the person whom you love and have built a life with is in love with someone else.
I could never imagine having an affair with someone else. if I did, I am quite sure that I would end up hating myself and the feelings of guilt would probably never go away. I love my hubby so much and I could never imagine hurting him like that. We have jokingly told each other that if either one of us was to cheat on the other, the faithful spouse would get a free divorce. Please understand Blownaway, I am not condemning you for falling in love and pursuing a relationship with a married man. I imagine that such a relationship must have been very difficult for you, for "A", even though the two of you cared for each other deeply and shared a few days of your life together in happiness. I am sure it was difficult for both of you to watch the reactions of your loved ones when they found out about your relationship. Love is such a complex emotion. I hope that you are doing better and that things will improve for you as time goes on.
B.W.
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(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi327.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fk463%2Fdcfmod%2Fwere%2520moving.jpg&hash=8442f4cd686104f27f4cb22f9c3658f8d258bdce)
Hello members!!!! The Admin/Mod/Tech team is coming to you with news for the new year.
When this forum was originally founded, it was under the URL we all know, www.DaveCullen.com, however, it was often referred to as the "Ultimate Brokeback Forum". Dave's website had a link to the forum, and the two entities were joined as one.
Dave has decided to do some "housecleaning", to help focus on the upcoming release of his next For a host of technical reasons beyond Dave’s technical ability, he needs to turn his website over to a service that can handle much of the work—and it can’t support the massive forum database. Dave really wants the forum to proceed, so the solution is simple: just split Dave’s personal pages and the forum to two separate web addresses. Everything else remains the same.
To continue to follow Dave Cullen, you can use the existing address, www.DaveCullen.com .
To access the Ultimate Brokeback Forum, you will need to bookmark this new address: https://www.UltimateBrokebackForum.com/forum.
We expect this change to take place within a week's time, and there should be no major disruption to the forum. While the UBF will no longer be linked to DCF, Dave Cullen will retain his ownership of both sites.
Please continue to watch the threads/newsbox for further updates! We will attempt to give you all 24 hours notice before the change takes place. However, you should make note of the new address now. If you try to log in at the old address and you are unable to, try to use the new address. Thanks for your continued participation in this community!
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Friends,
So, there is a place called "Ennis" in Texas???? :D
My job is related to logistics; just saw us doing a shipment with final destination "Ennis, TX" and my mind started wandering...
XDDD
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Friends,
So, there is a place called "Ennis" in Texas???? :D
My job is related to logistics; just saw us doing a shipment with final destination "Ennis, TX" and my mind started wandering...
XDDD
That's interesting.
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On my way down to the BBQ in 2006 I called Linda Killersmom and Jackie Paintedshoes from Ennis TX. An unexpected surprise!
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I remember them talking about that call!
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Not too far up the road from Ennis, on the other side of Ft Worth, is Jacksboro, seat of Jack County.
Also passed through the tiny town of Newsome, too.
https://tshaonline.org/handbook/online/articles/hln19
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How this movie affected me - take 2.
I cannot watch (=enjoy) any other movies now! Why is anything else looking so dull against this??
Shit, Brokeback got me REAL good. I'm SO overkilled in any respect... >:(
Sorry, not much of a post, but i had to say this after not-enjoying another movie past weekend.
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If you're like most of us, BJ, you will get over the acute symptoms. But whenever I ever hear two notes of the music it all comes flooding back!
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You are not the first person to say that, BJ. It passes in time.
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You are not the first person to say that, BJ. It passes in time.
I'm not sure i want THIS to pass in time, because seems BBM is quite a yardstick when it comes to recognizing well-done movies / stories. I am definitely more picky after watching BBM and have a much better eye for detail and / or art. And i'm quite thankful for that. Just that watching movies is now a totally different experience than it was before...
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Yes, I find myself often comparing later films to BBM. It's a great yardstick. V.
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You are not the first person to say that, BJ. It passes in time.
Does it ?? Tell me when...tell me how ?
Over 10 years and I'm still "waiting for it to pass".
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You are not the first person to say that, BJ. It passes in time.
It does - somewhat. I've been here since 2012 and the overwhelming effect does pass. Instead, there's a sense of... I don't know how to call it. Sort of a reassurance that you've found your movie. The one that's yours and that sets the standard for almost everything you'll watch in the future.
I'm not quite able to enjoy fluffy movies anymore, for instance. But that could also be my age, mind you :laugh:
... BBM is quite a yardstick when it comes to recognizing well-done movies / stories. I am definitely more picky after watching BBM...
You've said it.
But whenever I ever hear two notes of the music it all comes flooding back!
Same for me, Sara. Whenever I catch a glimpse of BBM on TV, chances are I'll watch it again, even though I can lip-synch every single scene! :laugh: The movie's in my heart - it's as simple as that, really.
Sonja
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It does - somewhat. I've been here since 2012 and the overwhelming effect does pass. Instead, there's a sense of... I don't know how to call it.
I don't know either. But it feels like "home" to me... My heart gets really warm and cozy when i think of BBM. Though the story is so sad, but there is so much love there. I really don't know how that is even possible.
Still long way to go for me to have the effect pass.
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Hi, everybody. First time poster, long time reader. I am in my late teens, and after seeing BBM about a year and a half ago, was kind of shocked that people in my age group haven't seen/ don't know this movie the way they do Titanic, The Notebook, etc. I have never been incredibly moved by films, but I literally could not get this out of my head for months. I would think about the characters and their situation every day, and I still do.
Is this forum still active? I feel kinda sad reading the posts of CSI, peteinportland, janjo, and others who posted over ten years ago! I guess I'm kind of late to the party.
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Hey rtrtrt!
You're not alone!!! *hug*
What's up with you? Are you a boy? A girl? What brings you here? After 1,5 years of seeing BBM?? What is it that you need right now?
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Hello rtrtrt! Welcome to the Ultimate Brokeback Mountain Forum!
My name is Chuck (USA/ New Jersey) and I'm one of the moderators who helps run the place.
It's always great to see new members find us and join up!
In your post you say you're a long time reader! Good! I'm going to supply you with a few links that you may find helpful. You may have already been in a few threads in these sections, but you may find some new topics you want to post in. If you see that a topic is "old", please don't feel that you shouldn't post. You never know what conversation would be started because you posted.
The Film & Book (http://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/index.php?board=1.0)
In this section you can find threads to compare the movie to the short story (Film Vs. Book), your favorite quote from the movie or book, and general discussion of Brokeback.
The Impact on Society & Ourselves (http://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/index.php?board=3.0[/url)
In this section you can find threads about reactions of the audience, how the movie affected you, and other topics.
Scene-By-Scene (http://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/index.php?board=34.0)
Here you will find threads that talk about various scenes from the movie.
Elements & Themes (http://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/index.php?board=61.0)
This is where you'll find threads that talk about Jack, Ennis, their relationship, the women of Brokeback, and other elements.
There are other sections as well where you'll find chat threads (The Diner, Le Bar Slash) fan fiction discussion, TV, movies, music, and countless other threads.
Oh, and one more thing, rtrtrt:
Is this forum still active? I feel kinda sad reading the posts of CSI, peteinportland, janjo, and others who posted over ten years ago! I guess I'm kind of late to the party.
The forum isn't as busy as it once was, but we still have members who post up and reply to threads, so please don't let "being late" stop you from posting your thoughts! You never know what conversations could start because you posted.
If you come to a thread and post, and then you get a message about the thread being "old", as long as the thread is unlocked, you can post there, so please do!!!
Have fun exploring!
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Welcome, rtrtrt. So glad you made it here. We are always so glad to have new people join here.
I am killersmom/Linda, (Albuquerque, NM) an Administrator here and have noticed that you have been here for awhile. So glad you decided to 'unlurk' and join the conversations.
Feel free to roam around and as Chuck said, post anywhere and if you have any questions, feel free to ask anyone. Most everyone knows the answer, and if not they'll refer you to someone who has.
WELCOME!!
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Welcome, rtrtrt! Fritz, from Arlington VA.
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Is this forum still active?
Yes, it is!
I looooove your forum name ;D
I'm Sonja, and I'm from The Netherlands. Have been here since 2012, so "only" for 5 years. Felt the same way you do at first, "being late" and all that, but don't worry... there's still people to talk to.
Enjoy!
P.S.: Re-read the screenplay in 'Story to Screenplay' last night (couldn't sleep), and boy... it touched me again.
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Welcome rtrtrt,
I'm still "lost" in the story and still in love with the characters ,even after all his time.
I'm Sue now known as "BlueAmber63" not "Sueyblu" as I was for at least 6-7 years.
(Long story)!! I'm from England and female as my name suggests !!!
Our members have dwindled a bit....but those who are still here are still as wrapped
and in love with BBM as much as they ever were.
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Welcome rtrtrt!
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***Spoiler Alert***
Halfway through “Memories of a Penitent Heart,” a documentary about a Central Florida family, comes a stunning plot twist.
Like many gay men in the 1980s, Miguel moved to New York City in search of a life out of the closet; he found a career in theater and a rewarding relationship. Yet in the midst of the AIDS crisis, his devout Catholic mother pressured him to repent for his homosexuality on his deathbed. Twenty-five years later, his niece Cecilia Aldarondo breaks the silence surrounding her uncle's death, sifting through conflicting memories of a man she never really knew. She locates Miguel's estranged partner and begins to unlock long-dormant family secrets.
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/entertainment/tv/tv-guy/os-et-winter-park-family-story-plot-twist-20170801-story.html (http://www.orlandosentinel.com/entertainment/tv/tv-guy/os-et-winter-park-family-story-plot-twist-20170801-story.html)
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Memories of a Penitent Heart
Streaming on PBS
http://www.pbs.org/pov/penitentheart/video/memories-of-a-penitent-heart/ (http://www.pbs.org/pov/penitentheart/video/memories-of-a-penitent-heart/)
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Hi, everybody. First time poster, long time reader. I am in my late teens, and after seeing BBM about a year and a half ago, was kind of shocked that people in my age group haven't seen/ don't know this movie the way they do Titanic, The Notebook, etc. I have never been incredibly moved by films, but I literally could not get this out of my head for months. I would think about the characters and their situation every day, and I still do.
Is this forum still active? I feel kinda sad reading the posts of CSI, peteinportland, janjo, and others who posted over ten years ago! I guess I'm kind of late to the party.
I venture to guess that this person hasn't commented on the "Ultimate Brokeback Forum" in months, but yes, the forum is still active. It might not be quite as active as it was when the film's theatrical release took place almost 13 years ago, but the forum is still active. I wonder if this person still reads through this forum from time to time? It would be interesting to see more comments from "rtrtrt". I am curious as to how old "rtrtrt" is and what gender they identify as. If "rtrtrt" happens to be a teenager, then I can imagine that there are a lot of teenagers around the world who haven't seen or even heard of "Brokeback Mountain". Many parents and legal guardians wouldn't allow their children to watch this film, especially people who hold bigoted views and hateful attitudes about and towards LGBT people.
Most teenagers and young adults are probably more familiar with theatrical films like James Cameron's "Titanic" (1997) and "The Notebook" (2004) than they probably would be with a theatrical film like "Brokeback Mountain" (2005). If "rtrtrt" is a teenager, then they must be a very mature young person to be able to handle watching a film like this. There have been countless persons who have commented on this forum over the years since the forum was first created that have stated how deeply affected they were by the film, so "rtrtrt", you are definitely not alone. I personally wouldn't say that you are "late to the party" at all. There are people from all over the world who have seen this film at different periods in time over the years since it's theatrical release and have been deeply moved by it to the point that they feel the need to talk with others online about how "Brokeback Mountain" has made them feel, and I am quite certain that some of those persons have even used this particular forum to express their thoughts. I am also quite sure that you would be very welcome here if you choose to comment on this forum again at some point in the near future.
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Many parents and legal guardians wouldn't allow their children to watch this film, especially people who hold bigoted views and hateful attitudes about and towards LGBT people.
I tried to watch it with my 13 year old girl but she just rolled her eyes on me, how I dared to interrupt her favourite show viewing! And I am pretty sure that she would like the movie. I will try again when Pretty Little Liars is over!
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I tried to watch it with my 13 year old girl but she just rolled her eyes on me, how I dared to interrupt her favourite show viewing! And I am pretty sure that she would like the movie. I will try again when Pretty Little Liars is over!
LOL! I don't have children or grandchildren, but I guess that must be kind of a typical thing for a teenager to do. I didn't mean to imply that no parent or legal guardian would ever let their teenage child watch "Brokeback Mountain" (2005). It would depend on if the parent or legal guardian feels comfortable with letting their child watch the film and if the teenage child is mature enough to handle the content in the film. I know that I wouldn't have been allowed to watch it if the film had been released when I was a teenager because I grew up in a fundamentalist religious home where same-sex relationships would have been thought of as a "highly offensive sin in the eyes of God".
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I think my parents would have allowed me to watch it, I grew up in a very catholic land, but they have never been that way. My father was really impressed by BBM, he has told me a couple of times how deeply he regrets making fun at school of boys who didn't look "macho enough". I'm so proud of him :)
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You should be proud of him, that's great to read! Thanks for sharing that!
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Dear Brokie Brothers and Sisters,
Okay, here goes, I’m bitting the bullet. Much after the fact, but hey, better late than never...
I tried to keep this on the shorter side but as you can see, I am not very good at that. Where is Annie Proulx when you need her!
I saw BBM when it was first released but I will start with the recent experience and then go back. It appears, out of nowhere, I felt the nudge to again see the movie in November 2017. I downloaded it from my cable provider. I felt some stirrings after the first viewing but nothing major. When I woke up the next morning I watched it again as it was available for 48 hours. A few days later I downloaded it again and decided this could become expensive so I purchased the DVD online. I could not stop thinking about it. It is the most beautiful love story I have ever seen. It is real and extraordinarily moving. I fell in love with Jack and Ennis, their story, the breathtaking scenery, the mountains, the music… The movie’s staying power speaks for itself (when the time is right it seems…). It took hold of my heart and has not let go, nor do I want it to. As one woman that interviewed Jake said to him, “you and Heath, that particular combination was, and remains, one of the beautiful examples of male love we have on screen, it’s that simple”. You bet!!!
I bought the short story around the same time and a while later the screenplay. The SS bowled me over. In certain passages, I would feel my heart rising up my throat and I had to stop reading as this overwhelming nostalgia took my breath away. It felt beautiful, alive, bittersweet, heartbreaking, and all-consuming. I can still have this experience when reading it or listening to the audio version, but not as intensely.
As I googled for info on the movie, the actors…as I like to do, I came across the forum and have been reading voraciously ever since. I decided to register in March. I am a firm believer that life is spontaneous and that nothing happens by accident.
After being touched by many moving, sad, passionate, and inspiring posts on this thread, I feel the nudge to try and share how BB has affected me. It is difficult to put into words as it forever morphs and is a journey filled with emotions, but I will try. I intend to keep it honest, if not, what is the point.
I saw BB for the first time, at some point in 2005-06. I cannot remember anything about the experience, aside from the lingering feeling that I had liked it and thought it was beautiful. I do not remember thinking much about it after seeing it. At the time, I lived with my partner, a woman that I loved, from spring 2005 to spring 2006, when we decided to break up and sell the house. I divorced in 1996 after a 23 year marriage to a man that I loved. Suffice to say, those years were emotionally tumultuous and very challenging.
As an aside, and to share a bit about me, I have never labelled myself, only because no label seemed to fit. Although I am not a big fan of labels in general, I would happily and proudly say I am gay if it felt true. Even bisexual does not quite fit. Whatever life brings that resonates as true and good in the instant is what I go with, and I cannot predict the future, so I simply remain open to life.
Two years after originally (2005-06) seeing BB, I would have been unable to tell you the names of the actors. I did not know Heath or Jake before seeing the movie. There is one memory that stuck; it is a phone call from my daughter in 2008. I answered the phone and she said, sounding distressed and saddened, “mom, have you heard?”. I said “heard what?”, and she informed me that Heath Ledger had died. I feel some shame now in sharing that I asked her who Heath Ledger was. I do not remember the rest of the conversation with my daughter. It is interesting how this memory lay dormant, only to resurface when I rediscovered BB in the fall. It is a grieving process that feels fresh to me. Of course I feel sad Heath is no longer in this world, but I also see that although his body is no longer here, his spirit is very much alive and permeates every bit of eternal space there is. He lives inside our hearts, in a real way. I know he lives inside mine. It feels so real that I sometimes experience jolts when I remember he has died.
Some of you that frequent the Planet Heath thread probably know that I am deeply in love with Heath. Not in a romantic way, I simply love him immensely. As I type this, my eyes well up. I watched many interviews with the boys, Ang Lee…and it is through these that I got to know Heath, the incredibly loving and gentle human being that he was, and I have grown to love him in an inexplicable way.
Now, I love Jake also, there isn't anything about Jake not to love. There isn’t anyone I do not love to be honest. I still choose who I hang around with, befriend…but I carry a lot of love in my heart for all my brothers and sisters. And then, out of the blue it seems, someone comes along, even someone that has passed away, and steals your heart, and in turn, you give it readily and freely. Heath has my heart. This may sound crazy but it’s the truth… I feel safe in sharing this here, I would not anywhere else. One of my sisters and my daughters know I love him but they do not understand the depth, and the last thing I want is for this to become something to joke or tease me about, so I keep it close to my heart for the most part. Thank you for this safe haven to share something very precious that I hold dear.
I have done a great deal of healing and letting go in the last two years. My heart is expanding infinitely and it is as though the movie, the SS, and my beloved Heath have entered my heart and are enabling a wider and deeper expansion. That is how BBM has affected me, it has blessed and gifted me with such love. It has made me a more sensitive and compassionate human being. I am very easily moved and touched by life, by my brothers and sisters’ lives, their heartbreaks, their joys, their kindnesses and generosities, by the world at large. I have come to see all of us inhabiting this universe, as family. This forum is proof of that. Another way love unites us all.
I have felt very welcomed by the members of this forum. I have not been visiting long and I am EXTREMELY late to the party, yet that does not take away how everyone I have come in contact with has been sweet, helpful, kind, generous, fun-loving and supportive. The writing skills and the insights shared are phenomenal. Reading and taking a wee part in the sharing has brought me a lot of joy these last few months. I have cried, I have laughed my a** off, and I have been moved by many of your words, whether they are written of late or from ten years ago. It has enriched my BBM experience in a way that would not have been possible otherwise. I feel truly blessed, thank you.
Even though we have never met in person, I feel love for all of you. I love the human beings that you are and I feel the connection of our spirit, our essence, that is where I feel we join in sameness. For me, it’s all about love, only about love, for when everything is said and done, when one day we will find ourselves moving onto the next phase of this eternal adventure called life, love is all we get to bring with us and leave behind, it is the only reality. Our Heath is pretty awesome proof of that!
Thank you for the opportunity to share and if you have read to the end, bless you my friends!
All my love,
Michelle
xox
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^^^^^
That is awesome post. We are glad you found us. Welcome. V.
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^^^^^
That is awesome post. We are glad you found us. Welcome. V.
Thank you, V.
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What a great post! Thanks so much for sharing!
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Thanks so much for your wonderful and heartfelt post, Michelle. It brings back so many memories of my first reactions to the movie and SS, and then my finding a home here when there was so much questioning in those first years. Also finding my Brokie Family, who are the only ones who understand all of it. 12 years later, I am still so very grateful that I found this place and have so many 'chosen' Brokie family members.
I have always felt that each and every one of us come to this movie and story in our own time. Every single person here has an individual reaction in our minds and hearts that is ours and ours alone. Yes, the reactions and thoughts may be similar, but there is always just a little difference that makes it uniquely our own, but that all of us can relate to. I think this is why many of us came here and some of us remain.
You saw the movie initially and it didn't punch you in the heart, because, (and this is just my personal take on it) I feel you did not need what the story and characters had to offer at that time. When it got into your head that you wanted to see it again, all these years later, you viewed it several times, and this time it did punch you in the heart, because this is the time in your life is when you need what the characters, the story, and the message have to offer.
Luckily the forum is still here, and enough of us left that it still is a place of refuge and comfort and understanding. I love that we still have people who are just discovering the movie for the first time and have these unexplainable reactions to it, and find us here, and people like you, who have revisited and have reacted and have come here to join our Brokie family.
Thanks so much for sharing all this with us. It makes it all worthwhile.
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Michelle, I was another that was not so very deeply moved by Brokeback on my first viewing, good as I thought it was. It was about 2 years later when I recorded it from the television and it really “hit”me. I watched it over and over, and, like you, fell in love with the film, the characters, the actors, the music, and, a little later and in a different way, the short story. That was 10 years ago now, but the totally unexpected consequences are still with me - friendships, interests, travelling etc.
Wishing you well on your journey!
Sara from England.
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What a great post! Thanks so much for sharing!
Thank you, Chuck. Feeling so welcomed by you and other Brokies gave me the courage to share openly.
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I have always felt that each and every one of us come to this movie and story in our own time. Every single person here has an individual reaction in our minds and hearts that is ours and ours alone. Yes, the reactions and thoughts may be similar, but there is always just a little difference that makes it uniquely our own, but that all of us can relate to. I think this is why many of us came here and some of us remain.
Thank you so much, Linda, for your beautiful message! It means a lot. Your take is spot-on.
I love what is quoted above, it resonates with the way I see the world and its beings, each unique in their expression and perception. To me, that is the fun and beauty of it all.
I'd like to share with you, that as I travel through the threads, I always stop to read your posts, I find them interesting and often touching.
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It was about 2 years later when I recorded it from the television and it really “hit”me. I watched it over and over, and, like you, fell in love with the film, the characters, the actors, the music, and, a little later and in a different way, the short story. That was 10 years ago now, but the totally unexpected consequences are still with me - friendships, interests, travelling etc.
Sara, many thanks for your message!
It is very interesting how this BBM phenomenon unfolds, one surprise after another.
It makes for a different and interesting experience being on my own in many of the threads, but it's okay, that's how it was meant to be.
I had no interest in travelling these last two years, and then 2 weeks ago an opportunity for a retreat in the foothills of the Rockies, in Loveland, Colorado!! came my way. I jumped at the opportunity. In a matter of one hour, everything was booked. I have been yearning to go to the mountains for months...it's partly BBM fever but it goes deeper... I have loved the mountains all my life, even as a child.
I will not be sharing with Brokies, but as it goes in life, I will be bringing all of my experience with me, so as I soak up those gorgeous mountains, Jack & Ennis, Heath and Jake, and all of you will be with me.
As I said to Linda, I also read your posts. I caught many of your very first ones in this thread. It's very heartwarming to read messages from 10 years ago knowing these members are still part of the forum. Thanks again Sara.
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Thank you for your beautiful, honest and moving post Michelle. :-*
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Thank you for your beautiful, honest and moving post Michelle. :-*
Many thanks, dear Janie. xox
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I hope your trip to the mountains goes really well, Michelle. I’ve always loved mountains too, and an just back from a week in the Austrian Alps.
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I hope your trip to the mountains goes really well, Michelle. I’ve always loved mountains too, and an just back from a week in the Austrian Alps.
Oh, that sounds like an amazing experience! How lovely for you, Sara.
I will be going near the end of September. God willing, it falls into place as planned.
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I'd like to share with you, that as I travel through the threads, I always stop to read your posts, I find them interesting and often touching.
Thanks so much, Michelle. I am always worried and wonder that what I write makes sense and hope that folks who read my posts can take something away from what I write and what I feel.
I know it's been almost 13 years for me, I still feel today as I did then. I know this feeling will always be with me.
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Thanks so much, Michelle. I am always worried and wonder that what I write makes sense and hope that folks who read my posts can take something away from what I write and what I feel.
I know it's been almost 13 years for me, I still feel today as I did then. I know this feeling will always be with me.
I hear you Linda, I often go back and reread my posts and correct some words or I question what I shared. It mostly comes from the heart and from where I stand, so do your words, so we cannot go wrong.
Your words, the way you express yourself, resonate in my heart. I hope it’s okay I bring this up... I remember one post in particular from 2016 that I actually saved because I thought it was so beautiful and touching, it stayed with me. You shared the following while remembering the fast-paced times on the forum: "before I go to sleep I am transported back there and I smile and remember. I'd like to think this is what got Jack and Ennis through all those years between meetings.” How lovely! Once in a while, when I feel moved by someone’s words, I will save them to read them again later.
I also love what you wrote in this post, that the feeling is still present today and will always be with you. To me that is the beauty of BBM, the love found in the story and in every aspect of the film and this amazing forum never leaves us. It may simply take on a new form in our life and that is the blessing with this experience. Once love is discovered, it can never go away, it just wants to multiply and extend!
Thank you, Linda.
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Hello Brokies,
I would like to share more on the impact of BBM.
I have gone through this thread and a big chunk of Part 1. I see that many have pointed to this, how BBM made them feel alive with feelings. Feelings of sadness, longing, heartbreak, joy, love, aloneness, loneliness, regret…as though the movie and/or the SS cracked their hearts open, and everything came pouring in and out. It all became alive again. I can so relate.
I came to that realization - that life is "being ignited with myriad feelings" - in the last year or so. Then came the integration, which is an eternal process in my experience. It is while in the crux of this integration that BBM came back into my life. There are no coincidences...
I have been more like Ennis in my life, not that I have been afraid of romantic love, I have been brave some, although going ahead while feeling undeserving of it. But like Ennis, I suppressed many feelings. I did so with the feelings I perceived at the time as “negative” such as anger, sadness, heartbreak... Sixty years + of doing so led to depressed feelings and a great detachment and disconnect to life. Before the realization, I had resigned myself to go through the motions and that I would find peace in the afterlife. Never suicidal but definitely depressed.
A lot of this attitude and those beliefs re feelings were related to my upbringing… Everyone involved was innocent, they did not know anything else and so neither did I, until the realization. And in my eyes, neither did Ennis or Jack. They knew what they knew, their conditioning, their experience…how could they choose outside of that? That is why I could never judge either character. And for me, to do so, takes away from their great love story. They both loved each other unconditionally, frustrations included of course, and that is the beauty and inspiration of their love. And to be honest, nothing in me wishes to change one iota of that awesomely beautiful heart wrenching story. A kick in the gut, a shot in the heart it is, and that is why we are here, still, and that is why the impact is so powerful and transformative.
For me, BBM confirmed, through others’ testimonies and through my own recent experience, that life happens in the heart. That is were our feelings are felt and that is where emotions cross our being. Remove feelings and what are we left with? Images. We often attach stories to those images and that is okay but that is not where we feel alive, it is in our feelings, in our hearts. I remember a few months ago telling a friend, while pointing to my heart area, that I use to be dead there, and then pointing to my head saying that is where I obsessively analyzed and ruminated incessantly. So, I guess Ennis realized many many years before I did, although he paid a dear prize for the realization. Still…he was ignited with love through Jack’s death. That's Ennis' story.
I think IMHO that the movie hit me and many of us as hard as it did and does because it wakes our sleeping hearts, it makes us feel alive to the core and that is an exhilarating feeling.
I have been deeply grateful the last 2 years for what life has revealed, and now I have this beautiful gift of BBM, in all its aspects including this forum, to delight in and find proof over and over how life is diverse and more importantly, all-inclusive. Feel, feel, feel, all my feelings! That’s pretty much it for me. It could be written on my tombstone.
And of course, I can’t post this and not say "some little word" :) about my darling Heath. I know, ad nauseum maybe...I also feel that I have found an inexplicable love through BBM, and that is my love for Heath, the beautiful human being that he was and the spirit he now is that pierces hearts all over the world, still. This love ignites me big time. To think I did not really know who he was 10 months ago is incomprehensible to me.
Thank you for this opportunity to share more.
with love always
Michelle
xox
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings, Michelle!
It's always a treat to read just how "our film" affected everyone, and how they reacted to it!
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings, Michelle!
It's always a treat to read just how "our film" affected everyone, and how they reacted to it!
Thank you, dear Chuck. xx
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Dear Brokie Brothers and Sisters,
Okay, here goes, I’m bitting the bullet. Much after the fact, but hey, better late than never...
I tried to keep this on the shorter side but as you can see, I am not very good at that. Where is Annie Proulx when you need her!
I saw BBM when it was first released but I will start with the recent experience and then go back. It appears, out of nowhere, I felt the nudge to again see the movie in November 2017. I downloaded it from my cable provider. I felt some stirrings after the first viewing but nothing major. When I woke up the next morning I watched it again as it was available for 48 hours. A few days later I downloaded it again and decided this could become expensive so I purchased the DVD online. I could not stop thinking about it. It is the most beautiful love story I have ever seen. It is real and extraordinarily moving. I fell in love with Jack and Ennis, their story, the breathtaking scenery, the mountains, the music… The movie’s staying power speaks for itself (when the time is right it seems…). It took hold of my heart and has not let go, nor do I want it to. As one woman that interviewed Jake said to him, “you and Heath, that particular combination was, and remains, one of the beautiful examples of male love we have on screen, it’s that simple”. You bet!!!
I bought the short story around the same time and a while later the screenplay. The SS bowled me over. In certain passages, I would feel my heart rising up my throat and I had to stop reading as this overwhelming nostalgia took my breath away. It felt beautiful, alive, bittersweet, heartbreaking, and all-consuming. I can still have this experience when reading it or listening to the audio version, but not as intensely.
As I googled for info on the movie, the actors…as I like to do, I came across the forum and have been reading voraciously ever since. I decided to register in March. I am a firm believer that life is spontaneous and that nothing happens by accident.
After being touched by many moving, sad, passionate, and inspiring posts on this thread, I feel the nudge to try and share how BB has affected me. It is difficult to put into words as it forever morphs and is a journey filled with emotions, but I will try. I intend to keep it honest, if not, what is the point.
I saw BB for the first time, at some point in 2005-06. I cannot remember anything about the experience, aside from the lingering feeling that I had liked it and thought it was beautiful. I do not remember thinking much about it after seeing it. At the time, I lived with my partner, a woman that I loved, from spring 2005 to spring 2006, when we decided to break up and sell the house. I divorced in 1996 after a 23 year marriage to a man that I loved. Suffice to say, those years were emotionally tumultuous and very challenging.
As an aside, and to share a bit about me, I have never labelled myself, only because no label seemed to fit. Although I am not a big fan of labels in general, I would happily and proudly say I am gay if it felt true. Even bisexual does not quite fit. Whatever life brings that resonates as true and good in the instant is what I go with, and I cannot predict the future, so I simply remain open to life.
Two years after originally (2005-06) seeing BB, I would have been unable to tell you the names of the actors. I did not know Heath or Jake before seeing the movie. There is one memory that stuck; it is a phone call from my daughter in 2008. I answered the phone and she said, sounding distressed and saddened, “mom, have you heard?”. I said “heard what?”, and she informed me that Heath Ledger had died. I feel some shame now in sharing that I asked her who Heath Ledger was. I do not remember the rest of the conversation with my daughter. It is interesting how this memory lay dormant, only to resurface when I rediscovered BB in the fall. It is a grieving process that feels fresh to me. Of course I feel sad Heath is no longer in this world, but I also see that although his body is no longer here, his spirit is very much alive and permeates every bit of eternal space there is. He lives inside our hearts, in a real way. I know he lives inside mine. It feels so real that I sometimes experience jolts when I remember he has died.
Some of you that frequent the Planet Heath thread probably know that I am deeply in love with Heath. Not in a romantic way, I simply love him immensely. As I type this, my eyes well up. I watched many interviews with the boys, Ang Lee…and it is through these that I got to know Heath, the incredibly loving and gentle human being that he was, and I have grown to love him in an inexplicable way.
Now, I love Jake also, there isn't anything about Jake not to love. There isn’t anyone I do not love to be honest. I still choose who I hang around with, befriend…but I carry a lot of love in my heart for all my brothers and sisters. And then, out of the blue it seems, someone comes along, even someone that has passed away, and steals your heart, and in turn, you give it readily and freely. Heath has my heart. This may sound crazy but it’s the truth… I feel safe in sharing this here, I would not anywhere else. One of my sisters and my daughters know I love him but they do not understand the depth, and the last thing I want is for this to become something to joke or tease me about, so I keep it close to my heart for the most part. Thank you for this safe haven to share something very precious that I hold dear.
I have done a great deal of healing and letting go in the last two years. My heart is expanding infinitely and it is as though the movie, the SS, and my beloved Heath have entered my heart and are enabling a wider and deeper expansion. That is how BBM has affected me, it has blessed and gifted me with such love. It has made me a more sensitive and compassionate human being. I am very easily moved and touched by life, by my brothers and sisters’ lives, their heartbreaks, their joys, their kindnesses and generosities, by the world at large. I have come to see all of us inhabiting this universe, as family. This forum is proof of that. Another way love unites us all.
I have felt very welcomed by the members of this forum. I have not been visiting long and I am EXTREMELY late to the party, yet that does not take away how everyone I have come in contact with has been sweet, helpful, kind, generous, fun-loving and supportive. The writing skills and the insights shared are phenomenal. Reading and taking a wee part in the sharing has brought me a lot of joy these last few months. I have cried, I have laughed my a** off, and I have been moved by many of your words, whether they are written of late or from ten years ago. It has enriched my BBM experience in a way that would not have been possible otherwise. I feel truly blessed, thank you.
Even though we have never met in person, I feel love for all of you. I love the human beings that you are and I feel the connection of our spirit, our essence, that is where I feel we join in sameness. For me, it’s all about love, only about love, for when everything is said and done, when one day we will find ourselves moving onto the next phase of this eternal adventure called life, love is all we get to bring with us and leave behind, it is the only reality. Our Heath is pretty awesome proof of that!
Thank you for the opportunity to share and if you have read to the end, bless you my friends!
All my love,
Michelle
xox
heavenonearth,
Hello there. I don't think that you are "late to the party" at all. I'm glad that you enjoyed "Brokeback Mountain" (2005) and thanks for sharing your story. When Heath Ledger died, I just felt so terrible for his loved ones and the film industry. Heath had a captivating personality, I would like to see a major theatrical film on his life someday. It is always interesting to see what affect the characters of Jack and Ennis have on people, they are both fictional people who have never existed, but many people from around the world have probably had some life experiences that are very similar to theirs and that is what really makes me think.
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heavenonearth,
Hello there. I don't think that you are "late to the party" at all. I'm glad that you enjoyed "Brokeback Mountain" (2005) and thanks for sharing your story. When Heath Ledger died, I just felt so terrible for his loved ones and the film industry. Heath had a captivating personality, I would like to see a major theatrical film on his life someday. It is always interesting to see what affect the characters of Jack and Ennis have on people, they are both fictional people who have never existed, but many people from around the world have probably had some life experiences that are very similar to theirs and that is what really makes me think.
Thanks, B.W. Someone on the forum has as their signature quote (?) something like “Some fictional characters are more real than others.” So true.
I sure do love the SS, the movie, and its unforgettable characters, Jack and Ennis. I do not see that changing. Yet, honoring and protecting Heath’s memory has become more important to me than BBM.
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Yesterday it was my 2-month "Broken by Brokeback" - anniversary.
Little did I know when I sat down alone in front of Netflix in the late summer evening that this film would perform a spiritual and psychological open heart surgery on me. I came to this movie through a mini-series - "The man in the orange shirt", which they showed on Swedish television
a couple of days earlier and which I really liked. When I read about it in an article, the BBM- film was refered to, and then it came up as a suggestion on Netflix. So one late night when I felt like staying up, I thought I would play BBM fast forward to the romantic(!) parts.
Truth is ( I had to use that phrase) me and my husband rented the film when it first came out as a DVD, must have been in -06, I can't clearly remember. I remembered
it vaguely, that it was beautiful and romantic and very sad.
Since my first child was born the same year as the BBM- movie, I guess I was in the famous "baby bubble" back then and didn' t register a lot that happened outside that sphere. Not until this summer I got to know that there even was such a thing as the BBM- phenomenon. And here I am now, posting on this site. I never post on other sites, very seldom on fb, but then I usually don' t feel this need to share an experience with others.
I believe that this film and the SS has something magic to it- when you're life - experienced enough, it will hit you like a hammer. Honestly I think it should come with a warning sign. Like: " Be careful, there ain' t no reins on this one."
As you understand, even if I started a bit in the movie, I couldn't stop but watched it through, and the next day, and the next.... Now I know every line ( Thank God for Netflix) but can still find new interesting aspects that I didn' t find before, both in the film when it comes to the acting, the dramaturgy, camera angles- and of course in the SS, how to tell a strong story without a lot of words. Since I seldom do anything half- hearted, I bought several books on the subject, the last one Eric Patterson's "On Brokeback mountain", and I' ve read a lot of Proulx (Before I had read "The Shipping news" and liked it) and, for the first time in my life, fanfiction. Lots of fanfiction, good and bad, because, like Proulx herself admitted, I fell in love with the characters in a way that really doesn't happen to responsible adults.
Ever since that first watching I have done a lot of crying (still do) which, being Scandinavian, usually only happens to me when relatives die. More active changes are that I have lost more than 15 pounds because I no longer eat my feelings. I have also taken up writing fiction again, in my native tongue. And I see myself doing totally different things in the future, living in different countries - I want to be more vulnerable (it's scary just to write the word) and more daring.
Well, this was a long post and I realize that it is similar to thousands that are written here before, except that this is written by a very late adopter in a forum that isn' t as active as before. I hope I am welcome anyway, because like many before I need a community. Oh, and I' m in my forties and have never written in English before, so please be patient with the Swenglish and the sometimes questionable spelling. Happy to be here, anyway.
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Yesterday it was my 2-month "Broken by Brokeback" - anniversary.
Little did I know when I sat down alone in front of Netflix in the late summer evening that this film would perform a spiritual and psychological open heart surgery on me. I came to this movie through a mini-series - "The man in the orange shirt", which they showed on Swedish television
a couple of days earlier and which I really liked. When I read about it in an article, the BBM- film was refered to, and then it came up as a suggestion on Netflix. So one late night when I felt like staying up, I thought I would play BBM fast forward to the romantic(!) parts.
Truth is ( I had to use that phrase) me and my husband rented the film when it first came out as a DVD, must have been in -06, I can't clearly remember. I remembered
it vaguely, that it was beautiful and romantic and very sad.
Since my first child was born the same year as the BBM- movie, I guess I was in the famous "baby bubble" back then and didn' t register a lot that happened outside that sphere. Not until this summer I got to know that there even was such a thing as the BBM- phenomenon. And here I am now, posting on this site. I never post on other sites, very seldom on fb, but then I usually don' t feel this need to share an experience with others.
I believe that this film and the SS has something magic to it- when you're life - experienced enough, it will hit you like a hammer. Honestly I think it should come with a warning sign. Like: " Be careful, there ain' t no reins on this one."
As you understand, even if I started a bit in the movie, I couldn't stop but watched it through, and the next day, and the next.... Now I know every line ( Thank God for Netflix) but can still find new interesting aspects that I didn' t find before, both in the film when it comes to the acting, the dramaturgy, camera angles- and of course in the SS, how to tell a strong story without a lot of words. Since I seldom do anything half- hearted, I bought several books on the subject, the last one Eric Patterson's "On Brokeback mountain", and I' ve read a lot of Proulx (Before I had read "The Shipping news" and liked it) and, for the first time in my life, fanfiction. Lots of fanfiction, good and bad, because, like Proulx herself admitted, I fell in love with the characters in a way that really doesn't happen to responsible adults.
Ever since that first watching I have done a lot of crying (still do) which, being Scandinavian, usually only happens to me when relatives die. More active changes are that I have lost more than 15 pounds because I no longer eat my feelings. I have also taken up writing fiction again, in my native tongue. And I see myself doing totally different things in the future, living in different countries - I want to be more vulnerable (it's scary just to write the word) and more daring.
Well, this was a long post and I realize that it is similar to thousands that are written here before, except that this is written by a very late adopter in a forum that isn' t as active as before. I hope I am welcome anyway, because like many before I need a community. Oh, and I' m in my forties and have never written in English before, so please be patient with the Swenglish and the sometimes questionable spelling. Happy to be here, anyway.
Elisa, it’s so wonderful that people are still being hit by this... metamorphosis, that “normal” people can’t understand, and which we ourselves would not have understood before. I too was not affected the first time I watched - it must have been a year or two later that I recorded it from the television - and then it all hit me (apart from the weight loss unfortunately!).
So glad you made it here, and you write beautifully.
[I love and rewatch Man in an Orange Shirt, and have read several books by Patrick Gale.]
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Thanks, Sara, for your welcoming reply and for your book recommendation. I will order it at the library ASAP!
Have a nice day.
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I was replying to this but it’s too “bookish” for this thread, so will PM you!
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Looking forward to that.
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What an incredible experience, Elisa. I loved reading about it. :)
Believe me, it has hit us all very hard and still does.
I am here since 2006! As a grown man!
;D
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What an incredible experience, Elisa. I loved reading about it. :)
Believe me, it has hit us all very hard and still does.
I am here since 2006! As a grown man!
;D
That' s comforting and encouraging to know. Thank you for responding and I' m looking forward to read your new posts.
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;)
Likewise.
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Welcome, Elisa!
Reading your post here, I was reminded of how I came to this fandom, like so many of my forum friends who were similarly affected by the film. I hope you take comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone!
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Welcome, Elisa!
Reading your post here, I was reminded of how I came to this fandom, like so many of my forum friends who were similarly affected by the film. I hope you take comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone!
Thank you, Gwyllion. It is important to have a community to share this unexpectedly strong experience with. And I see we share a common interest in Nordic Mythology. Good to know!
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(((Elisa)))
Welcome welcome!!
I'm also a late arrival, my story is similar to yours, watched BBM back when it was released but the impact came way later. The feelings are still fresh, even if I am now finally able to do other things than obsessing over good old Brokeback the whole day.
I hope you feel so welcome and embraced here as I did when I was an innocent and carefree greenhorn! ;)
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(((Elisa)))
Welcome welcome!!
I'm also a late arrival, my story is similar to yours, watched BBM back when it was released but the impact came way later. The feelings are still fresh, even if I am now finally able to do other things than obsessing over good old Brokeback the whole day.
I hope you feel so welcome and embraced here as I did when I was an innocent and carefree greenhorn! ;)
Hi Elena,
Well, I feel that I will continue my obsessing for a long while but in a more scheduled way. Like study some- read some slash- vacuum clean- watch some of the movie - make dinner- go to this forum having coffee. You get the picture! Thanks for your welcome.
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^^^ Welcome. It's nice to know that BBM is as powerful today as it was in 2005. BTW, I love MIAOS too...there's a discussion thread surrounding it as well. Intense story. V.
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Thanks for taking the time to share this with us, Elisa!! It was great to read!!
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Thanks for taking the time to share this with us, Elisa!! It was great to read!!
Thank you for all help.
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^^^ Welcome. It's nice to know that BBM is as powerful today as it was in 2005. BTW, I love MIAOS too...there's a discussion thread surrounding it as well. Intense story. V.
Thank you, Gattaca. Yes, MIAOS tells a beautiful story too. Thanks for the tip about the discussion thread. I will probably find time for that when my most acute obsession fades.
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And then there’s Call me by Your Name, book and film... ;)
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http://www.findingbrokeback.com/Downloads/Ad_Final.pdf
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That brings back memories.
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Yeah, it does, doesn't it?
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^^^^ Oh my... there's a thread in here about that.. Thanks for resharing the copy. I think I have that issue tucked away in my BBM holdings.. :)
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Just wanted to share that it's been a little over a week since I first saw the movie (via Netflix Philippines), and part of me wishes I could watch it with fresh eyes so I could feel everything all over again for the first time. And another part of me is realizing my privilege since I can love who I love and I don't have to go through what J+E went through.
Still trying to convince my boyfriend to watch it though!
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OH, let us know if you are able to convince him!!!
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Just jumpin' in here to say hi. It's been 8 yrs since my last post. All's well. I'm 84 now believe it or not, Feeling so much more mellow and relaxed these days. Health's good too. Hope to hear from some of you soon.
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It's so good to see you again!!!!! You must be psychic! Linda and I were talking about you the other day!
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Hey Paul! Welcome back!
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Hi Paul. We saw you on last night and was so glad you stopped by. As Chuck said, we had just been thinking and talking and wondering how you are doing.
I'm so glad you stopped by to let us know!
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((((((((( Paul )))))))))
A big HELLO from me, too, Paul! Nice to hear from you!
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I often wonder how many people have seen our film, and were affected by it like we were, but never got it into their mind to search the 'net for a place like this.
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I often wonder how many people have seen our film, and were affected by it like we were, but never got it into their mind to search the 'net for a place like this.
I had written an email comment to Hollywood Reporter author (at the time) Anne Thompson in early 2006. She responded to my email and actually suggested I visit "the Dave Cullen website." I can say that I probably would not have found this site otherwise!
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I had written an email comment to Hollywood Reporter author (at the time) Anne Thompson in early 2006. She responded to my email and actually suggested I visit "the Dave Cullen website." I can say that I probably would not have found this site otherwise!
Really? That's interesting.
Had you been a member of any sort of online forum at that point?
I was a member of a music forum (pre-Brokeback) and as soon as I got home from my first viewing, I searched "Brokeback Mountain Forum" and found this place.
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Had you been a member of any sort of online forum at that point?
No, I don't think I was, Chuck!
I just used the computer for emailing and info searches.
I'm just remembering it was the dark ages for me back then. I couldn't even watch youtube videos, really. It took me like 15 minutes to load a 30 second video or something with my connection. It was not really worth it! Heh! I didn't use any chat rooms or buy anything, if i'm recalling all this correctly. Heh!
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To be honest, we may not have been "Googling" at that point. I believe the biggest search engine at that time may have been Yahoo.
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I often wonder how many people have seen our film, and were affected by it like we were, but never got it into their mind to search the 'net for a place like this.
Probably lots of people for different reasons. This forum has had so many interesting conversations (and it still does), and it still has a lot of interesting information. There have been lots of interesting people who still comment or who used to comment on here. I'm glad that it is still here after all these years. It's always nice to see a new member. I just wish some of them could or would comment more frequently.
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To be honest, we may not have been "Googling" at that point. I believe the biggest search engine at that time may have been Yahoo.
Haha. Those really were the dark days of the Internet, weren't they? It was still lots of fun even back then to me. Back then, when "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN" (2005) was playing in movie theaters, you got to see just how much of a phenomenon the film was because of the countless articles due to the controversy and attention that the movie created. There were also all of those great parodies of the film on YouTube. You know, "THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT" (1999) was primarily marketed through the Internet, the first theatrical movie to really do so, I believe--which was a really smart move-- whether one liked that film or not; and back in the late 1990s, people were probably more likely to believe almost anything they read online.
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Re: Forums
I have been on Usenet since 1997, after 2nd shift work on 2006-04-04, on an impulse, I went out to a 24hr Walmart and bought the Brokeback Mountain DVD.
I scanned the DVD on the 5th to see if it would play ok (I typically did this with DVDs at that time, I've had a few DVDs that froze or skipped new out of the package).
I watched Brokeback Mountain on the 6th (again and again...), I went thru the typical "Brokeback Fever"...trouble sleeping, felt like crying all the time...on the 9th, it suddenly occurred to me to search for a Brokeback related discussion forum, I found this one right away, I read most of the posts but didn't register until the 30th...and the rest is history.
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I always enjoy hearing everyone's story of their personal bout of "Brokeback Fever" and how they came to find the forum.
Thanks for sharing yours, lislis!
It's amazing to me how we all seemed to have similar experiences, and all turned to the internet to reach out to others.
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Hi everyone!
So, I watched Brokeback again yesterday, after so many years and it's just...I still cannot get over this film. I needed to talk about it with someone and I vaguely remember being a member of some BBM forum ages ago. So I randomly clicked on this site in the results and there it was- my old username and posts from 2008!
I remember being obsessed with the film when it first came out, to the point of wearing out my DVD, constantly replaying the same scenes, looking for any details I might have missed and the absolute joy of sharing all this with the wonderful people on this site. So glad to be back!
You'd think you'd be immune to the "I swear" scene after all these years and countless re-watches of the film but there I was again- sobbing myself to sleep.
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Hello StillSpeechless!
What was your original username, If I may ask?
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^^^ Welcome! Even today, after having seen the film more than 50x, it never ceases to "grab hold of me" ever. V.
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Hello StillSpeechless!
What was your original username, If I may ask?
Hi, my old username was Speechless and looking back at my ancient posts makes me cringe quite badly but I was rather young lol
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Hi, my old username was Speechless and looking back at my ancient posts makes me cringe quite badly but I was rather young lol
I'm sure there are a number of us still here who do the same thing!
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Hi everyone!
So, I watched Brokeback again yesterday, after so many years and it's just...I still cannot get over this film. I needed to talk about it with someone and I vaguely remember being a member of some BBM forum ages ago. So I randomly clicked on this site in the results and there it was- my old username and posts from 2008!
I remember being obsessed with the film when it first came out, to the point of wearing out my DVD, constantly replaying the same scenes, looking for any details I might have missed and the absolute joy of sharing all this with the wonderful people on this site. So glad to be back!
You'd think you'd be immune to the "I swear" scene after all these years and countless re-watches of the film but there I was again- sobbing myself to sleep.
Hello there, StillSpeechless. It sounds like this film still has had a strong effect on you. That's probably why this forum still exists. Have your feelings towards the film changed in any way since you last commented on here around 2008? The movie still holds up even nearly 16 years after the film's theatrical release took place.
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Does anyone still think that "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN" (2005) as a movie would still have inspired the same kind of strong reactions it created amongst the general public if it came out today, instead of 2005? I think its impact might be a little different had it come out today. Same-sex marriage was a hotly debated issue when the movie's theatrical release began. Now same-sex marriage is legalized, and being gay, lesbian or bisexual is even more accepted now than it was then. There is still plenty of homophobia and biphobia in the world, of course. Transphobia on a worldwide basis is still going strong, though I do think that transgender people are gaining acceptance more and more in little steps as time goes by. Of course, the filmmakers didn't produce this film as a way to help promote the legalization of same-sex marriage or to promote the legalization in other areas involving LGBT rights -- they just wanted to tell a good story because they were so moved by Annie Proulx's award-winning 1997 short story "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN".
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To be honest, I'm not sure. The world is a different place from what it was 15 years ago. I firmly believe that BBM played a part (no matter how small) in the progress that the LGBT+ community has been able to make.
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Hello there, StillSpeechless. It sounds like this film still has had a strong effect on you. That's probably why this forum still exists. Have your feelings towards the film changed in any way since you last commented on here around 2008? The movie still holds up even nearly 16 years after the film's theatrical release took place.
Hi B.W.!
I'd say my feelings towards the film have changed very little over the years- I'm still as amazed today as I had been back then at its beauty, quality and complexity and how well it still holds up (can't believe it's been 16 years already...how time flies).
It was unlike any film I'd seen before and it kept drawing me in- I just couldn't stop watching it. I remember staying up many a night replaying some of the scenes and then coming back to this forum to see what others had written, going back to the film, returning here for more analyses and on and on and on until the first rays of the morning light. I was captivated for months. Then something happened, I suppose I'd maxed out on the "feels" and I haven't watched it or read the story since. Until a few weeks ago, that it. So that's how come me end up here, as Ennis would say!
One thing that did change is my attitude towards life in general, I think. Happens to us all with time, I suppose. Let's say I used to empathize with Jack a lot more back then, I couldn't fully appreciate the complexity of Ennis' character and even though I adored them both, I sort of resented Ennis in a way for being so closed off and difficult. This time round it's much easier to see things his way.
Does anyone still think that "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN" (2005) as a movie would still have inspired the same kind of strong reactions it created amongst the general public if it came out today, instead of 2005? I think its impact might be a little different had it come out today. Same-sex marriage was a hotly debated issue when the movie's theatrical release began. Now same-sex marriage is legalized, and being gay, lesbian or bisexual is even more accepted now than it was then. There is still plenty of homophobia and biphobia in the world, of course. Transphobia on a worldwide basis is still going strong, though I do think that transgender people are gaining acceptance more and more in little steps as time goes by. Of course, the filmmakers didn't produce this film as a way to help promote the legalization of same-sex marriage or to promote the legalization in other areas involving LGBT rights -- they just wanted to tell a good story because they were so moved by Annie Proulx's award-winning 1997 short story "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN".
I'm not sure. Like you've said, I don't think the impact would be quite the same. I can't really see two straight actors playing these roles today, to begin with. Also, I feel like more and more LGBT+ themed films end on a slightly more positive (or at least not as tragic) note these days- which is great, God knows we've had enough of the "bury your gays" trope. But Brokeback was always so much more than that anyway.
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To be honest, I'm not sure. The world is a different place from what it was 15 years ago. I firmly believe that BBM played a part (no matter how small) in the progress that the LGBT+ community has been able to make.
I suppose you're right to some degree. Do you think that in some ways "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN" may have created any romantic or idealized distortions of some LGBT+ persons' experience with the film's portrayal of a fictional love story set in the American West in a more modern time frame between the 1960s and 1980s? Is what I am saying making any sense?
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Hi B.W.!
I'd say my feelings towards the film have changed very little over the years- I'm still as amazed today as I had been back then at its beauty, quality and complexity and how well it still holds up (can't believe it's been 16 years already...how time flies).
It was unlike any film I'd seen before and it kept drawing me in- I just couldn't stop watching it. I remember staying up many a night replaying some of the scenes and then coming back to this forum to see what others had written, going back to the film, returning here for more analyses and on and on and on until the first rays of the morning light. I was captivated for months. Then something happened, I suppose I'd maxed out on the "feels" and I haven't watched it or read the story since. Until a few weeks ago, that it. So that's how come me end up here, as Ennis would say!
One thing that did change is my attitude towards life in general, I think. Happens to us all with time, I suppose. Let's say I used to empathize with Jack a lot more back then, I couldn't fully appreciate the complexity of Ennis' character and even though I adored them both, I sort of resented Ennis in a way for being so closed off and difficult. This time round it's much easier to see things his way.
I'm not sure. Like you've said, I don't think the impact would be quite the same. I can't really see two straight actors playing these roles today, to begin with. Also, I feel like more and more LGBT+ themed films end on a slightly more positive (or at least not as tragic) note these days- which is great, God knows we've had enough of the "bury your gays" trope. But Brokeback was always so much more than that anyway.
Though I am not LGBTQIA+ myself, the few LGBT-themed films that I've seen like "PHILADELPHIA" (1990), Gus Van Sant's "MILK" (2008) or Kimberly Peirce's "BOYS DON'T CRY" (1999), I liked. Of course, "BOYS DON'T CRY" is based on a tragic true story about a young adult transgender man who was one of three innocent people who were brutally murdered in a small town in Nebraska in the 1990s by people whom he thought were his "friends", and all because they had such a hatred and lack of understanding of his gender identity; which helped give the film a bit of its power, the fact that it is based on real people and actual events. I've always liked Hilary Swank and Chloe Sevigny as actresses. "MILK" was also inspired by a historical person and on real events, which gave that film a degree of power. Harvey Milk's political career and murder are practically the stuff of American social and political legend. I've seen numerous films that have LGBT characters but they are not specifically LGBT-themed films. But none of the LGBT-themed films that I have seen have managed to equal or surpass the emotional feelings that Ang Lee's "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN" stirred in me.
I can't imagine anyone else playing Jack Twist or Ennis Del Mar in the way that Heath Ledger or Jake Gyllenhaal did, gay or heterosexual. Those two actors just put a little bit of their hearts and souls into these characters So many of the cast members who worked on this film were longtime fans of Ang Lee's previous films and felt the script was "perfectly written". To them, it was a "dream project". The film dealt with issues that Ang Lee had explored in some of his earlier movies. He was the right person to direct this film. Diana Ossana and Larry McMurtry were the right people to write the script for the film. Without them, there may not have ever been a film adaptation of Annie Proulx's short story. No films studio wanted to produce the movie, even though as time went on it was known as one of Hollywood's greatest unproduced screenplays. And yet, the characters in the film, none of them are real people. They never were real people, and they never will be real people. Yet the story of Ennis and Jack's doomed love affair reflects cultural and societal realities that many same-sex couples and individual LGBTQIA+ people have lived through and continue to live through.
I can understand why it is important for LGBT+ folks to see stories about LGBT people that have happy endings. But, I would say that Ang Lee's "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN" does end on a hopeful note despite some of the tragic elements that are implied in the film. The film is so subtle, and doesn't shy away from the difficulties that the two men face in their everyday lives. It doesn't attempt to answer the hard questions it poses. But, the film does end with some sliver of hope for Ennis.
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^^^ well conveyed!
Many people see the film's ending with Ennis being damned to the stark loneliness depicted in the final few breathtaking minutes.
Lee's work and genius throughout BBM is there usually are multiple vantages / perspectives into what he's showing you. Those last few minutes, the heart-to-heart with his daughter, the closet, the left jacket, the hanging shirts, the words "Jack, I swear..." all give way to finality of the cramped window. That window could have been trained on anything, woods, dirt roads, but Lee chose to have it trained on fields of golden wheat (or what appears to be wheat to me). Wrap all those few shots into the fuller context of what you were just shown from the stark film's opening until now and it's truly a masterpiece of a story, visuals, and acting which so far, IMHO has not been surpassed on the screen and maybe never will be. V.
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Ok, so this isn't how it affected me, but rather, someone else.
;D
Here is a video I found on YouTube, by MarkE Miller. He talks about the first time he saw Brokeback Mountain. Video was posted about 3 months ago.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UmeefNDj5Cs
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Ok, so this isn't how it affected me, but rather, someone else.
;D
Here is a video I found on YouTube, by MarkE Miller. He talks about the first time he saw Brokeback Mountain. Video was posted about 3 months ago.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UmeefNDj5Cs
This is really great, Chuck! I'm glad you found it. Damn, doesn't all he says sound SO familiar. A greatly worded reaction to our beloved movie.
I still to this day just wonder at the changes and feelings this movie created in my life. It has never been the same before or since. It has been a real blessing to me and my life. And like he said, it came at the perfect time in my life. Its almost like it was a roadmap that took me from who I was before and who I am now! Thanks again.
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^^^ ditto. V.
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A really encompassing cover -> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMQhbM0awW4 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMQhbM0awW4)
Very nice work.
V.
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BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN (2005) Movie Reaction! | FIRST TIME WATCHING!
OGB Reacts - Posted June 17 2022
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vx-YDIX7yU
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let's watch BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN *and try not to sob lol* ~ brokeback mountain reaction ~
Brad Evans - Posted July 11 2022
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZR3emx_10g
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BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN (2005) Movie Reaction! | FIRST TIME WATCHING!
OGB Reacts - Posted June 17 2022
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vx-YDIX7yU
^^^ Her reactions were dead on! (I played on 1.25x) Took me back to my first viewing as she hit most of the powerful scenes in the clips. It's +++ that people are still discovering BBM!
^^^ I though her "viewing" as much more original than the 2nd with the guy in the Cowboy hat.
Thanks for posting. So is this 'first viewing' YT postings now a "thing" to generate $? Damn, we should do like 50th viewing! V.
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^^^ Her reactions were dead on! (I played on 1.25x) Took me back to my first viewing as she hit most of the powerful scenes in the clips. It's +++ that people are still discovering BBM!
^^^ I though her "viewing" as much more original than the 2nd with the guy in the Cowboy hat.
Thanks for posting. So is this 'first viewing' YT postings now a "thing" to generate $? Damn, we should do like 50th viewing! V.
LOL @ 50th viewing! I know there are a number of people who post reactions to different videos, movies, TV shows and things like that on YouTube. I've watched people react to The Walking Dead and Pentatonix.
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I do not belong to the LGBT community. But I have many friends and acquaintances from the LGBT community, and I respect the privacy and choice of every person, this has always been the case since my youth. I came to this myself. We have no right to interfere in life, in personal life, each of us must understand them and choose our own path. Brokeback Mountain had a slightly different impact on me. You can often come across offensive words - girls love to watch about boys. And I am very offended by these words. Brokeback Mountain is a unique, universal film. The film is about a lost paradise, about lost dreams, about how often we make mistakes and nothing can be corrected. Of course, the film is also about a homophobic society.
I woman, but I almost don’t like films about love, all these films, okay, not all, but many seem unreal, insincere to me, I see that the actors are playing, and everything there is unnatural, there is no sincerity, but Brokeback Mountain gave me back my faith in love in real life, and brought back hope that there are such miracles in cinema. The film makes you think about life in general, remember your mistakes, grieve about it, and then say... I swear (to those who are no longer around) and try to move on, live on. And these are just the first thoughts that come to mind. It's hard for me to put into words. I think I need to write separately about cultural influence. By this I represent the film - as a work of art
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What Happened After I Watched Brokeback Mountain With My Straight Father
By Michael Lambert - Aug 3, 2015
The room was stifling. Even with every fan going, the air just crawled from one humid pocket of the house's atmosphere to the other, losing none of its oppressive, southern Mississippi moisture. My father and my stepmother sat together on a love seat, their cigarette smoke -- Marlboro Reds, ironically enough -- a steady stream until it hit the hurricane brewing above us.
I watched from the couch as the smoke trailed steadily in the glow of a table side lamp before breaking off in a gust from a fan blade.
"Let's watch a movie," my stepmother said.
My father and I lazily agreed, too tired from the day's work of clearing ground around his new house -- pushing over trees with a front-end loader, stacking lumber, exploring an old concrete foundation as a possible workshop. Freshly married, my father was all set to build a new Southern playground for himself, complete with a small catfish pond, a pasture for horses and a winding dirt road back to the highway that was our main artery to civilization.
Now, despite the lingering evening heat, the two of us lounged in the satisfaction that hard work often brings to men young and old in the South. It had been like any other day together -- tearing down, building up, shaping and reshaping land according to some master design locked away inside his head. This was our "quality" time, and despite the blisters and my clumsiness at operating heavy machinery, I cherished it.
"I like this," said my stepmother again. "Have you seen it?"
The remote highlighted a movie title -- Brokeback Mountain.
My father said nothing. I merely nodded.
"Let's watch it," she said and pressed play.
So began the most paralyzing two hours of my life.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/what-happened-after-i-wat_b_7922260
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^^ Tough read. Many straight men, fathers, brothers, just don't know how to relate and have no frame of real reference to fall back on in such circumstances. The tie between the young horse and the young man then was in-depth. I will never really understand how a father, mother, brother or sister could truly hate and disown a son, daughter, brother or sister for being homosexual when it has nothing to do with them. V.
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I do not belong to the LGBT community. But I have many friends and acquaintances from the LGBT community, and I respect the privacy and choice of every person, this has always been the case since my youth. I came to this myself. We have no right to interfere in life, in personal life, each of us must understand them and choose our own path. Brokeback Mountain had a slightly different impact on me. You can often come across offensive words - girls love to watch about boys. And I am very offended by these words. Brokeback Mountain is a unique, universal film. The film is about a lost paradise, about lost dreams, about how often we make mistakes and nothing can be corrected. Of course, the film is also about a homophobic society.
I woman, but I almost don’t like films about love, all these films, okay, not all, but many seem unreal, insincere to me, I see that the actors are playing, and everything there is unnatural, there is no sincerity, but Brokeback Mountain gave me back my faith in love in real life, and brought back hope that there are such miracles in cinema. The film makes you think about life in general, remember your mistakes, grieve about it, and then say... I swear (to those who are no longer around) and try to move on, live on. And these are just the first thoughts that come to mind. It's hard for me to put into words. I think I need to write separately about cultural influence. By this I represent the film - as a work of art
Very interesting insights.
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^^ Tough read. Many straight men, fathers, brothers, just don't know how to relate and have no frame of real reference to fall back on in such circumstances. The tie between the young horse and the young man then was in-depth. I will never really understand how a father, mother, brother or sister could truly hate and disown a son, daughter, brother or sister for being homosexual when it has nothing to do with them. V.
Bigots are going to hate, that's what they do. You don't even have to be LGBTQIA+ to experience hate from or to be disowned by your family and friends. Dating or marrying someone of a different race, practicing a religion that other people don't like, leaving your childhood religion, being an immigrant who doesn't speak the native language of your new homeland etc. People will always find an excuse to be bigoted, no matter who the prejudice is being directed towards. Some people always look for an excuse to hate.
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^^^ Yeap. Dead to rights. V.
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Very interesting insights.
I generally like the idea of the film: it is about people in general, about love in general, about lost dreams and hopes. I like that this story can be interpreted widely - outside of time, outside of sexual preferences. And also about real love, and not about these pink snot (as in most love novels), and there is nothing fairy-tale here - real life without embellishment. But we are also talking about a feeling that probably everyone would like to experience. To love like that and to be loved in return
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I Remember When I Saw Brokeback Mountain
December 21st, 2023 - Written By Anupam
I remember the first time I saw a queer film. It was 2006. Brokeback Mountain. Fresh off its Oscar hype and with the support of the liberal censors in the first UPA regime, the film had a limited run in India. In Kolkata, where I was then college-hunting, the film ran for two weeks, mostly relegated to off-peak time slots such as weekday mornings to avoid turning off family audiences and lure in film lovers and fags. I was both.
I remember how the stars aligned. New to the city and with no friends, I was destined to experience this alone. A solo adventure. My first time in a multiplex. A lot of firsts for me. The film was in its second week. The one remaining hall where it played was far from home, on the city’s eastern edges in a swanky new mall. Perfect for anonymity and affordable tickets at multiplex rates. After a fairly long trek, which involved three changes in transport – first by bus, then an auto, and finally, a rickshaw, I reached the hallowed mall. Confident but scared. Excited and wary.
I remember getting off, slightly hesitatingly, the auto. I was early. Now, that was awkward. So, I paced up and down. Smoked two cigarettes. Drank over-sweet spiced tea in red mud kulhads. I don’t remember buying the ticket, but I do remember a weird, part-smirky, part-incredulous look on the face of the security guard as he looked at my stub, punched a hole in it, and then padded me down.
https://gaysifamily.com/culture/i-remember-when-i-saw-brokeback-mountain/
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How 'Brokeback Mountain' helped me come out to my father
My love affair with queer cinema began in 2005, when my father took me to our local independent cinema for a preview screening of Ang Lee’s Brokeback Mountain. I was 14 and only just beginning to consider — albeit timidly — my emerging sexuality from the safety of my bedroom. Up until that evening, my exposure to gay sex had been strictly limited to a few late-night Google searches, resulting in more images of horse whips and leather ass-chaps than men kissing under moonlight.
The photos I found online were abrasive and forthright, a stark contrast to my apologetic nature and certainly more graphic than the heterosexual sex-ed illustrations I’d seen at school. This was perhaps one of the reasons I’d been left so enamoured by the trailer for Brokeback Mountain, with its meandering shots of rolling mountainside, gentle banjo soundtrack, and two men kissing in a way that seemed ‘normal’ and loving.
The film’s trailer carved out a small window to a world I’d heard of, but not yet experienced. It validated the ‘funny tummy’ feeling I occasionally grappled with around other boys, and reassured me of the joys salvageable from being labeled ‘different’.
https://www.sbs.com.au/voices/article/how-brokeback-mountain-helped-me-come-out-to-my-father/c58q78b6d