I know many of you have been wondering where I disappeared to.
Well, I'm not so sure myself...
I think there's a number of things going on.
Generally I experienced that the focus in my life swung back from the forum to real life.
I needed to work more again, as I had neglected my work too much and the picture in our bank accounts was pretty bleak. And what can I tell you - I enjoyed working, and the feeling of really getting things done. Lovely!
At the same time there were a number of appointments coming up that badly ate into the time available for anything, and we're way not finished yet. Plus some old worries that had been sleeping came into the foreground again.
All this took time, and also a lot of my mental capacity.
But that's outside stuff and of course there were things happening inside me, too, just I wasn't sure what to make of them.
It seemed that my relationship with the movie and with the forum had somehow cooled off. The movie didn't fascinate me, have a grip on me like it used to, all of a sudden. And as to the forum, my feelings towards it were somewhat schizophrenic: I didn't feel at all ready for all that fun talk that I mostly engaged in, I didn't have that lightness inside me. Yet at the same time I missed you people, and I do often think of you.
It is funny to see the stages that the movie has put me through, so far, and I think I'm still not finished and this is still all part of the effects that it has caused and pushed into action.
In the first days and weeks after seeing BBM this spring I could hardly think of anything else, and I cried a lot. It got me started thinking about myself and my life and I realised something needed to change.
Some things did change, I felt I became more lively, was connected more to my deeper self, I was in a new mental mode and lost 10 kilos of weight. I was here a lot and I really let it out, I had a lot of fun. All this was part of my daily routine, and of course that was disrupted when the school summer holidays started.
Of course they are long over again by now but somehow I feel like I slipped back into things as they were before and I do not feel good with it. So in a way after all these months I'm back to square one.
Thinking about all of this, yesterday I was reminded of a quotation from Hermann Hesse's Demian: "Ich wollte ja nichts als das zu leben versuchen, was von selber aus mir heraus wollte. Warum war das so unendlich schwer?" (Wikiquote has this as the rather heavy "I was only trying to live my life in accordance with the principles which sprang from my own true self. Why was that so very difficult?")
So, to sum it all up, I'm confused...
