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OUR COMMUNITY => Support Groups & Connections => Topic started by: peteinportland on May 10, 2006, 03:22:57 AM

Title: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: peteinportland on May 10, 2006, 03:22:57 AM
Are you mourning someone who has died? If so, this thread is a place for discussion about losing love ones and how we cope. Feel free to discuss, remember, ruminate, ask questions, or anything else.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Mejack on May 10, 2006, 07:45:42 AM
My story is posted over on the "affected you" thread.  After seeing BBM, I began searching for the only great love of my life.  It had been fifty years.  Just recently, after weeks of searching, I found that Billy had died in 1993.

How do I cope?  I'm not sure that I do yet.  Writing about Billy has been the most important way.  Somehow I feel this sense of urgency, like if I don't do it quickly, I might forget.  After posting some of the story on this forum, I've begun writing a complete memoir.  Remembering, that's how I cope. 

There's no one in my life who even knows about Billy.  So that means not a single person that I can talk to.  But I have found tremendous support in a most unlikely place.  Auntie's Diner, over in the Meet and Greet section.  A virtual alliance of caring, understanding people.  They take my mind off of me.  That's good.

Paul / Mejack
 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: babysany on May 10, 2006, 09:23:59 AM
My younger sister, Mary, died in October.  She was only 43 yo.  I started to write a journal that was addressed to her but stopped. I find it hard to write anything right now.  I think I am stuck in an angry phase. 

I dont know if I am even coping.  My grief over Mary has gotten mixed up with my grief over Jack and Ennis.  I cry almost every day.  Thats where I am with this.

Paul/mejack, WOW, what a story you have to tell.   I hope you find some peace within your soul knowing Billy didnt forget you either.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Mejack on May 10, 2006, 09:37:40 AM
My younger sister, Mary, died in October.  She was only 43 yo.  I started to write a journal that was addressed to her but stopped. I find it hard to write anything right now.  I think I am stuck in an angry phase.

Angry with Mary for dying, or angry with yourself? 

Quote
I dont know if I am even coping.  My grief over Mary has gotten mixed up with my grief over Jack and Ennis.  I cry almost every day.  Thats where I am with this.

My tears were not for the BBM characters as much as for myself, having missed so many years with the only love I ever really wanted.  The tears of course compounded when I learned of his death.

Quote
Paul/mejack, WOW, what a story you have to tell.   I hope you find some peace within your soul knowing Billy didnt forget you either.

Thanks babysany.  I'm at peace.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Lola on May 10, 2006, 09:50:50 AM
I just ran across this:

Five Stages Of Grief

Denial and Isolation.

At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
Anger.

The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.


Bargaining.

Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"


Depression.

The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
Acceptance.

This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.


Grief And Stress

During grief, it is common to have many conflicting feelings. Sorrow, anger, loneliness, sadness, shame, anxiety, and guilt often accompany serious losses. Having so many strong feelings can be very stressful.

Yet denying the feelings, and failing to work through the five stages of grief, is harder on the body and mind than going through them. When people suggest "looking on the bright side," or other ways of cutting off difficult feelings, the grieving person may feel pressured to hide or deny these emotions. Then it will take longer for healing to take place.


Recovering From Grief

Grieving and its stresses pass more quickly, with good self-care habits. It helps to have a close circle of family or friends. It also helps to eat a balanced diet, drink enough non-alcoholic fluids, get exercise and rest.

Most people are unprepared for grief, since so often, tragedy strikes suddenly, without warning. If good self-care habits are always practiced, it helps the person to deal with the pain and shock of loss until acceptance is reached.



I thought the last paragraph sounded a little odd, but I guess when I think about it, it doesn't.  Grief can be all consuming and not taking care of yourself doesn't help.

Eating well, avoiding alcohol (it is a major depressant) and getting lots of rest and some exercise does help you get back on track.

The only thing I can say about grieving is it takes time, lots of time.  I lost my Mom almost 4 years ago and my Dad a year ago, and I am just starting to heal. 

I also found when you can start concentrating on the life the person lived, rather than their death, you are on your way to getting better.



(((HUGS))) you guys.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Mejack on May 10, 2006, 11:36:33 AM
I also found when you can start concentrating on the life the person lived, rather than their death, you are on your way to getting better.

That's it right there for me, Lola. 
Concentrating on the time we had together.
Remembering.  (See my sig line below)   
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Lola on May 10, 2006, 12:11:48 PM
As I travel down life's pathway
Know not what the years may hold
As I ponder, hope grows fonder
Precious memories flood my soul

Precious father, loving mother
Glide across the lonely years
And old home's scenes of my childhood
Infond memories appears

Precious memories, how they linger
How they ever flood my soul
In the stillness of the midnight
Precious sacred scenes unfold


 :'(   beautiful isn't it?  I have this on an Emmy Lou Harris CD.

Concentrate on the life lived, on the memories, the times together, not on the death, that is for sure.   :)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: babysany on May 10, 2006, 12:23:09 PM
My younger sister, Mary, died in October. She was only 43 yo. I started to write a journal that was addressed to her but stopped. I find it hard to write anything right now. I think I am stuck in an angry phase.

Angry with Mary for dying, or angry with yourself?

Quote
I dont know if I am even coping. My grief over Mary has gotten mixed up with my grief over Jack and Ennis. I cry almost every day. Thats where I am with this.

My tears were not for the BBM characters as much as for myself, having missed so many years with the only love I ever really wanted. The tears of course compounded when I learned of his death.

Quote
Paul/mejack, WOW, what a story you have to tell. I hope you find some peace within your soul knowing Billy didnt forget you either.

Thanks babysany. I'm at peace.


I think I am angry at her mostly because she never went for annual check-ups and it turned out she had a tumor on her ovary the size of a football.  I am angry at how she neglected herself.  I try to comfort myself with the knowledge that she didnt even know she had cancer.  She knew something was wrong as she had pains all over.  This pain was caused by blood clots in her legs.  That is what she officially died from-a pulmonary embolism.

Lola, thanks for your post about the grieving steps. It is not a linear process and it takes different times for each of us.  Yes, what a beautiful song by Emmy Lou.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Lola on May 10, 2006, 12:38:44 PM
And you know she could have been for check ups and had ovarian cancer and still not have known and anyone can die of a blood clot in the legs.

You can't blame her!  :'(  So many people don't take care of themselves as they should, they don't go for regular check ups,  even when they know something is wrong. 

It is comforting to know she didn't know!   Did she leave behind family (besides you) if you don't mind me asking?

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: babysany on May 10, 2006, 12:46:50 PM
And you know she could have been for check ups and had ovarian cancer and still not have known and anyone can die of a blood clot in the legs.

You can't blame her! :'( So many people don't take care of themselves as they should, they don't go for regular check ups, even when they know something is wrong.

It is comforting to know she didn't know! Did she leave behind family (besides you) if you don't mind me asking?



That is true about the blood clots...all it can take is sitting still on a long fight or car ride.  My dr. said th tumor most likely restricted blood flow to her legs.  She went to Europe in Aug.  Betweenthe  long flights and train rides the clots probably formed

My mother, two brothers and a husband.  She didnt have children. 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Lola on May 10, 2006, 01:51:42 PM
Well that is very sad, and much too young to pass.  Her poor husband, and your Mother, parents should never live to see their children go before them.  :'(

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on May 10, 2006, 04:42:01 PM
Wow.....this thread actually exists....not ready to express my self just yet...but I see familiar names in here...my heart goes out to you..

God Bless

Nellie :)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: babysany on May 10, 2006, 05:34:01 PM
Thanks for your thoughts.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Dal on May 10, 2006, 05:58:50 PM
babysany -- all my best thoughts to you and your family.  If she went to the doctor, if she did not, doesn't matter:  it's a cryin' shame, it's unfair and it's wrong that she's gone.

Dal
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: babysany on May 10, 2006, 07:23:23 PM
babysany -- all my best thoughts to you and your family.  If she went to the doctor, if she did not, doesn't matter:  it's a cryin' shame, it's unfair and it's wrong that she's gone.

Dal

Thank you ,Dal,  You are right, it doesnt matter now.  Between her dying and the epiphany of BBM I vowed to live my life as joyful as possible.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: humble_mom on May 11, 2006, 06:50:31 AM
I was somewhat taken aback this morning to see this thread started here.  Just the timing of it I guess.

My husband died five years ago yesterday...he is much of the reason I'm here really.  But like Mcnell1120 above, I'm not quite ready to go into that story here.  But this can be a great thread...necessary I think.  Sometimes support is difficult to find when you need it most. 

My heart goes out to everyone here.   :'(

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: beej63 on May 11, 2006, 06:53:48 AM
nice to see this thread..

Lola sorry to hear about the loss of your mother and father..I lost my mom almost 5 years ago, 3 weeks after she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer..we were very close, called and saw each other every day..I thought..being 37 at the time, that I would be able to handle it..was stunned at how bereft I felt..my cousin (who lost her mom at same time) commented that it felt like you were 10 years old again, and needed your mom..

paul/mejack what a story..my heart goes out to you, I can't imagine having no one to talk to about Billy, but am glad you have friends in the Diner (great group!) with whom you can share..
 
babysany my mom knew something was wrong for awhile..but she also told me that she knew it was bad enough that once she went into the hospital, she knew she wasn't coming out..wanted to put that off as long as possible..my mom's tumour was the size of a baseball..and she never knew either..so it is indeed a comfort..my thoughts are with you..
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on May 11, 2006, 07:08:13 AM
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi8.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa29%2Fmtngirl94%2Fb2972cc2.gif&hash=63d07b9cb2bf7fe2497a7d0ea9f7c52d)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: beej63 on May 11, 2006, 07:14:42 AM
thanks Nell, you always brighten my day!

 humble_mom... so sorry for your loss..you are in my thoughts.  I think that it's one of the reasons I'm here also, although not sure I can put into words quite yet how or why.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Lola on May 11, 2006, 07:22:00 AM
beej63 I am very sorry to hear about your Mom.  She went so fast, it is just so scary.  My Mom passed away a year after her diagnosis.  We were also very close.  She actually lived with me for 18 years.  And my Dad of course just went rapidly down hill after she died, as I knew he would.  Very sad time, very sad for my whole family, but I take comfort in knowing they are together.  :'(

As for everyone else, when you are ready to share your stories, you know where we are, it does help to talk and to know that other people have walked down the road you walk.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: babysany on May 11, 2006, 09:10:20 AM
Humble_mom, beej63, Lola, mcnell1120, paul/mejack, I feel for all of your losses.  It does help to talk about it.  It is a shock the first few months.  Then it really sinks in that they are gone.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: davidjoseph on May 11, 2006, 12:06:15 PM
Because I've been fortunate enough to love various women and men in my life, death is a part of that whole experience. I've also done quite a bit of hospice work in the past so I've learned how to deal with the grieving process from that formal perspective. But I feel that nothing really prepares you for the death of someone you love deeply. I've noticed that the emotions that come up in grief (denial,fear,loss,hurt,depression,anger) aren't really in any predetermined order. They come into consciousness at inconvenient times. A smell, a song or another person's voice may trigger them. I find that I've been all over the map emotionally for a period of time after a death. I'll see someone who looks like the dead friend and want to chase after them to see who it is, or I'll dream about that person so that we can in some strange way be together again. I do think that certain of us have more death in our life than others. I'm not sure exactly why that is; maybe it has to do with learning something about the fragility and preciousness of life. I'm still working on that one.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: BthovenRox on May 11, 2006, 01:24:33 PM
Something interesting Id like to post since BBM does make some connection to my dearly departed parents and perhaps even grandparents.

My mother died suddenly after a day of teaching school in January 01.  I was devasted.  I was way too much a mama's boy and she controlled my every move right up to age 31 (that I was then).  Of course, I let her.  It was all I knew. 

My stepfather wouldnt allow an autopsy.  A day or so after her death, my sisters told me what they had known for quite some time:  my mother had hired a private investigator to track my stepfather.  He was living a double life as a gay trannie. 

He never cried once in, around, during, or after the funeral.  He often would talk about his 'dead wife.'  The truth is, somehow, he killed her.  More on him in just a moment.

I could not bring myself to see BBM for the first month (how sorry I am now) because I thought of the poor women.  My mother was one.  The deception, the betrayal.  My stepfather withdrew all of my mothers funds and attempted to forge paperwork on what little inheritance I did get.  Shortly thereafter came the news:  he had stage 4 carcenoma, non small cell with squagmoid features and 3 months to live.  His own daughters never came.  I took time off from work with the man who betrayed and most likely killed my mother.  I took him to chemo, radiation, and sat with him till the end.  I planned and sang at his funeral.  Post funeral I learned that he'd given all my mothers money and HIS to his lover who had already bought a home with it in New Orleans where they were going to begin a new life there post surgery.

What a sad epitaph.  I've never truly gotten over it.  However, my friends, you get around it!

Peace to all.  My story is said- but thanks to BBM, I see a future.

Michael in Northern WV
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Sharyn on May 11, 2006, 02:09:10 PM
Peteinportland beat me to starting this thread!! 

I am just getting back into the swing of things after moving (ugh) and I so badly want read and respond to all of you!  My mother died of Breast Cancer in 2000 and her mother in December of the same year...   I was 24 at the time and Mom's death rocked my world-- still haven't truly mourned my grandmother's death... I loved her, but she left a bad taste in my mouth with how she chose to deal with my dad and my mother's memory.

My relationship with my boy friend was deeply impacted and we are now only really back on track but never the same as we were... I've lost a few friends in the aftermath-- my grief or grief is general is too much for some to bear...

I too was deeply effected by this movie and as beej said-- i have yet to fully understand why... but experiencing the loss of a loved one allows you to see how precious life truly is... how precious living your life to your heart's content is all we have... Jack & ennis showed us the impact of not... (and not b/c they didn't ultimately want to)

anyway... I was gonna just write briefly... have to beat this DC traffic...   Love and thoughts to you all!  It is great to be back!!

~Sharyn
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Lola on May 11, 2006, 02:56:56 PM
You guys are all getting me teary eyed.   :'(

It is true David, I don't think we can ever prepare for the death of a loved one, especially one who is very close to you. I think we have all experience seeing (or think we see) our loved one in a crowd. 

Michael  they must have some idea how your Mom died, did they suspect heart attack or maybe stroke?   If you cared for your step-father up until his death, I am really suprised he never opened up to you at the end (if he had something to share).


Sharyn, I can't imagine losing your Mom at 24, my boys were 19 & 20 and it nearly killed them losing their Grandma.  Breast cancer is a terrible disease, and one I would have thought we would have eradicated by now.

((((HUGS)))))





Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on May 11, 2006, 03:10:30 PM
Michael and Sharyn....my heart goes out to you both.

Sharyn I'm sorry about your mom and grandma. I have a friend who was diagnosed with breast cancer. Thank God she beat it so far. (Knock on wood)....it's been 8 years but she knows that at any time it could come back as something else.
Be strong...we're here for you.

Michael...I don't have the right words to even express my sorrow for you. How strong you are to be there for HIM knowing all this about him. If in fact he did kill your mom,then God took care of him,and he will reward you for your kind heart.You've earned a few brownie points to heaven in his book. I think if it were me,I'd probably plan HIS death...Oh God....how did you find that strength?

You guys are something else....you give me strength just reading your posts.

God Bless

Nellie :)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: davidjoseph on May 11, 2006, 03:55:31 PM
Since everyone here has been so honest in their expressions of grief I find myself wanting to speak the truth about my own experience. My only son was killed in a car crash a year ago. He was visiting with the parents of his fiancee at the time. Since I was a single parent I care for him 24/7 and was fortunate enough to have an extremely loving and wonderful relationship with him. He was 27 years old and as they say "the light of my life". He was a beautiful, compassionate, and intelligent young man full of the love of life. He and I continued to be good friends when he became an adult well as father and son. We spent a lot of time together, going hiking, backpacking, sports and other activities.

When he died in the car accident in New York state, I had to fly back to identify his body which was a harrowing and heartbreaking experience. He died of a severe blow to the head so his body was in perfect condition so I found it even harder to accept that my child was dead. The county coroner allowed me to sit with his body in a chilled room overnight so I was able to say my goodbyes. After his memorial service on the west coast a week later I found myself so occupied with the financial and funeral arrangements around his death, I didn't really "get" his passing. I think I was functioning on auto-pilot for months. His death just didn't seem real to me.

It wasn't until I was walking along the street one afternoon downtown that I saw a young man walking ahead of me who looked like my son from the back. Without thinking I raced toward him yelling my son's name. Of course the guy wasn't my son when I saw him from the front but that experience knocked the truth of his death into me almost violently. I dragged myself home took off my clothes & went to bed in the middle of the day. The terrible truth had hit me and I didn't want to live any more either. So I guess you could say I was "dysfunctional" for a couple of weeks and at that point the actual grief took over. And is was frightening emotional experience........the worst of my life.

After that I began grief counseling and started to actually look at my own feelings about my son and his death.

So my heart goes out to you all who have lost someone you deeply loved. I understand.






Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Lola on May 11, 2006, 04:02:59 PM
David losing a child goes into a category all of it's own, as far as I am concerned.  My heart literally breaks for you.  As a parent, I can't even imagine.   :'(

I am glad you got grief counselling, I think that would be the only way to be able to cope with that or even begin to cope.

((((HUGS)))))






Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on May 11, 2006, 04:11:14 PM
DAVID....


(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi8.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa29%2Fmtngirl94%2Fb2972cc2.gif&hash=63d07b9cb2bf7fe2497a7d0ea9f7c52d)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: beej63 on May 11, 2006, 05:40:37 PM
david..my heart just aches for you.. losing a child is a grief like no other, and something no parent should have to face..I'm finding myself sitting here at my computer at a complete loss for words..just know I care..
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: davidjoseph on May 12, 2006, 10:24:14 AM
Thanks for the kind words of support. The grieving goes on. It's just part of how we deal with this sort of loss. BBM reminded me that having any intimate relationhip with another person is a gift to be appreciated when that person is alive, and to to remembered after they're dead. At the same time looking at the two young guys in the film reminded me of my son and how fragile all people ( young or not)  are. Those characters illicit ed such empathy. Seeing them have to suffer was another intense sadness about the film. My protective parental instincts wanted so badly for both of them to be safe and together in the comfort of their love.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: babysany on May 12, 2006, 01:08:41 PM
(((David)))  I am so glad you went for grief counseling.  I cannot imagine the pain you went/are going through.  I feel grief for my sister but my mother is much more haunted.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: amdaz on May 12, 2006, 01:09:11 PM
But I feel that nothing really prepares you for the death of someone you love deeply. I've noticed that the emotions that come up in grief (denial,fear,loss,hurt,depression,anger) aren't really in any predetermined order. They come into consciousness at inconvenient times. A smell, a song or another person's voice may trigger them.

I found this to be especially true.

First of all I'm glad to have stumbled into this particular thread. I thought that after over 10 yrs I have effectively dealt with the loss of the Love of my life but BBM brought it all back to the surface, open the wound fresh.

I'll be visiting this thread more often but at this moment I'd just like to share what I did at the anger phase.
I was so angry at one time a few weeks after Robby's death that I did a thorough cleaning of the apartment getting rid of everything his. I gave away most, throw the rest and even burned some stuff. Then a few months later I was so depressed that I have nothing of him left. I had to eat my pride and went to his sugar daddy and beg for one of Robby's picture from him 'cause I had nothing left.

I have always tell grieving friends after this to never ever attempt to do this kind of thing alone. You need some one with a cooler  head to be there and help you sort out what to keep and what to throw away.
Lesson learnt the hardest way.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Lola on May 12, 2006, 02:07:14 PM
Oh yes, those things we are left with, pictures, even a small item like a scarf, become very precious.   They tell you not to make any rash decisions, don't throw things away, don't move, don't make any life altering decisions.  Just take a breath and see where you are in a few months.

And I just want to say as far as BB went I felt very protective of Ennis and Jack, like I would have killed anyone who dared harm them.

Grief is a strange thing, it is terrifying when you are in the throws of it, but somehow even more terrifying when you are out of it, if that makes sense.

It makes me feel kind of guilty to even be happy.   :(


Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Dal on May 12, 2006, 05:15:58 PM
Grief is a strange thing, it is terrifying when you are in the throws of it, but somehow even more terrifying when you are out of it, if that makes sense.

It makes me feel kind of guilty to even be happy.   :(

It is as if, so long as you grieve, they are somehow still alive.  Or as if, when you mourn, you honor them.  As if by returning to your own life once more, you belittle them, and only then do they really vanish.  At least that's how it feels to me.  I don't want to hold on to grief, but I do not want to let go of the person I'm grieving for.  Crazy. 

Dal
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Lola on May 12, 2006, 07:45:16 PM
That is exactly how I feel!  :'(
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Dal on May 12, 2006, 08:38:29 PM
*sigh* 

Well I guess we'll get over it 'cause our Mas and Pas didn't raise no fools.  They are probably trying to kick our butts right now, in ghostly form!

Sweet weekend Lola

Dal
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Sharyn on May 12, 2006, 10:12:42 PM
*sigh* 

Well I guess we'll get over it 'cause our Mas and Pas didn't raise no fools.  They are probably trying to kick our butts right now, in ghostly form!

Sweet weekend Lola

Dal

Totally!  (hi everyone! thanks for your thoughts!)  still getting out from under boxes but I had to respond...    After my mother died in 2000, my dad who had cared for her during her 4 1/2 year battle with Breast Cancer, sold the house I grew up in (30+ years of life lived in that house) and was in FL by Aug of 2001. My mother never through anything away and the apple doesn't fall from the tree! Going through that house that held not only memories but physical reminders of them, of her, of what used to be, was absolutely devastating yet cathartic. I had to touch each and everything and it was how I started to say good bye... to let go of the grief.... It is why I absolutely lose it and LOVED the scene where Ennis finds the shirts... I not only knew why Jack saved them, but I understood how Ennis feld finding them... how love and memory come rushing back...    This human condition is something... 

I still have a lot of my mother's things... some of my grandmother's too...   I have trouble letting them go (the house was hard enough even though looking back, I can see it helped) It is extrememly difficult to think that things they touched and used can just be in a box or worse, thrown away. Is that what it comes to? being thrown away? Forgotten? That's what I stuggle with...  Similar like living in grief-- if I am doing "well" does it mean I'm "over it"? that i've "Forgotten?"  I am always missing and thinking of my mother... ALWAYS... some days more than others.   I think what makes grief difficult is society's fear of grief and of death...   really if I am doing well, i know it doesn't mean I am "over her death" but I do fear other's think that I am and will then forget later on, when I'm not doing ok, that I still grieve for her and damn it... that is ok too!... I've gotten better at the roller coaster, shouldn't they??    know what I mean?

Davidjoseph, I am deeply saddened for you as well as your son's fiance.... a devastating loss for you both... I'm glad you found this site and that you and your son had a good relationship.

Lola-- thanks for your kind words... I'm sorry for your losses as well... and thank you for realizing that being 24 when my mother and grandmother died sucked too! I'm involved in some Motherless Daughter groups and some have lost their moms when they were under the age of 10 which is its own kind of loss, but losing mom as a young adult when the world is opening up and when you are finally getting to understand her as a person and as a friend is its own kind of suckness....

as for being illprepared for death... i'll say this... mom battled cancer for 4 1/2 years... during that time i was away at college-- exactly where I was supposed to be. She never wanted me to worry about her and wanted me to be living my life... to be doing what I was doing. A great thing really, but anytime I called home, she told me she was "ok"... doing "well" and it was easy to believe b/c I didn't see what chemo did to her other than her losing her hair. And I didn't see the disappointment seep in to her ever-hopeful eyes when the stem cell transplant didn't work. A week before she died, she, dad, and I were in OC, NJ and she was jaundaced, the whites of her eyes yellowing, and she developed black and blue spots all over. She was a nurse and when my dad told her, her eyes were yellow, she said, "please don't tell me that."  Somehow I left her for the last time in OC and came back to VA and a few days later she called to say she was "ok" but 2 nights later dad called to tell me she was given 2 weeks to 2 months.  I started packing to get home... packed a box of things we were going to do together one last time... watch The Goodbye Girl and When Harry Met Sally, read... only she was gone in 2 days and I never made it to see her again.  She was yellow... had been given 2 week to 2 months to live and I was still packing a box of things we were going to do together.  I still believed my mother would have made it... that we deserved the miracle-- not sure i've yet forgiven the universe for not thinking we did.  I am not sure there is a way to be prepared-- even if you're my dad and realistic like he was. There is prepatory grief, but still I don't think he knew what life was really going to be like with out her. He knew he'd have a life without her and while he is doing well, you can tell, he'd be happier with her around.   As for me... denial was a beautiful thing... and as devastating as losing her was, I personally (at least at this poing in the journey) am grateful that I was ever the believer. I still got to tell her I loved her and that she was a great mom, but looking back, I am not sure either of us knew how to say goodbye. How do you? 

Dal-- I think my mom tries to kick me in ass all the time!  :)

HUGS!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Lola on May 13, 2006, 10:13:53 AM
(((HUGS)))) Dal!


Sharyn what can I say to you?  :'(  I read through that twice to begin to absorb it.  You are probably in the place where my son was when my Mom died.

He loved my Mom, like a Mother.  She took care of him while I worked, she took him back and forth to school when he was little.  Her and my Dad lived with us, so he really knew no life without my Mom.

When she got sick he was away at University, of course he was concerned and tried to make it home on weekends.  But like your Mom, she wasn't having any of that, she wanted him to concentrate on his studies.

I on the other hand was here, never missed a day with her, took her to all her chemo, took her to all the doctors visits, all the tests, I was the strong one, while my Dad fell apart.  In the end, I fed her, I bathed her, we spent evenings curled up in her bed watching movies and sharing stories.

My son never got any of that and it bothers him.  By the time he came home, she was really going down hill, she was in the hospital for 3 days before she passed and she did not want him to see her like that.  I respected her wishes and so did he.

I was the only one who was there in the final days, of course by that time she was unconscious.  I never really knew how affected he was until he cried one day, really cried and told me he "never got a chance to say goodbye"

And I said the same thing to him, as you just said "how do you say goodbye"  How do you say goodbye to someone you love more than life?

You know what I said, I said "see you later"  And you will see your Mom later, she is waiting for you.

Here is a poem I read at my Mom's funeral, hope it helps a bit:

Death is nothing at all

I have only slipped away into the next room

I am I and you are you

Whatever we were to each other

That we are still

Call me by my old familiar name

Speak to me in the easy way you always used

Put no difference into your tone

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow

Laugh as we always laughed

At the little jokes we always enjoyed together

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was

Let it be spoken without effort

Without the ghost of a shadow in it

Life means all that it ever meant

It is the same as it ever was

There is absolute unbroken continuity

What is death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind

Because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you for an interval

Somewhere very near

Just around the corner

All is well.

Nothing is past; nothing is lost

One brief moment and all will be as it was before

How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

 

Canon Henry Scott-Holland, 1847-1918, Canon of St Paul's Cathedral
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: BthovenRox on May 13, 2006, 09:01:08 PM
Michael...I don't have the right words to even express my sorrow for you. How strong you are to be there for HIM knowing all this about him. If in fact he did kill your mom,then God took care of him,and he will reward you for your kind heart.You've earned a few brownie points to heaven in his book. I think if it were me,I'd probably plan HIS death...Oh God....how did you find that strength?


I don't know how I did it.  I am a firm believer in karma: or at least in cause and effect if you will (christians have trouble with karma)... but nevertheless.  If brownie points could be earned, then I hope I got them.  I guess I couldnt let him die the way he let my mother.  It's just me.  I saw how his daugher's left him... and then they showed up afterwards for the inheritance that was GONE!  LOL

Peace to all

Michael in Northern WV
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: BthovenRox on May 13, 2006, 09:03:46 PM
Michael  they must have some idea how your Mom died, did they suspect heart attack or maybe stroke?   If you cared for your step-father up until his death, I am really suprised he never opened up to you at the end (if he had something to share).

They suspected a heart attack but they dont know what brought it on.  She had no history.  Alot of people were surprised that he didnt open up to me... but understand that he had lung AND brain cancer.  I dont know if he could open up.  Nevertheless, it happened. 

Michael
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: BthovenRox on May 13, 2006, 09:05:57 PM
Thanks for the kind words of support. The grieving goes on. It's just part of how we deal with this sort of loss. BBM reminded me that having any intimate relationhip with another person is a gift to be appreciated when that person is alive, and to to remembered after they're dead. At the same time looking at the two young guys in the film reminded me of my son and how fragile all people ( young or not)  are. Those characters illicit ed such empathy. Seeing them have to suffer was another intense sadness about the film. My protective parental instincts wanted so badly for both of them to be safe and together in the comfort of their love.


David- Know that someone in Northern WV is praying for you- that somehow is a way through this.

Michael
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: sunnysdc on May 14, 2006, 04:10:04 PM
I read DavidJosephs post about losing his son and just cried my eyes out...I lost my 16 year old daughter in `98 and altho it wasn`t a tragic accident like his son, my daughter chose to take her own life, the loss of a child is nearly unbearable and it stays with you every single day no matter how long ago it was.  I had begun to climb into a deep dark hole when my brokeback mountain moment happened...a man had come along who sympatized with my loss and we formed a friendship that lasts to this day...but we fell in love at that time and it was a forbidden love because he was married.  The passion we had parallelled Ennis` and Jacks.  I think that`s why this movie so affected me.  It was never going to be a real relationship but the passion was strong and real at the time.  Maybe it was the grief I was experiencing, or the guilt, or maybe I just wanted to escape into someone else for awhile...whatever it was I have never lost the feelings it left me with.  Altho I was very angry that we couldn`t have this for real, that my daughter left me like that, that I stood so close to that deep, dark hole, I think somehow his love did keep me from dissappearing into that abyss.  And like DavidJoseph I too once saw a young lady that looked like my daughter from behind and couldn`t help myself from calling out her name.  It is like a gut blow...this movie is like that.  But it is also made me stop hiding and do some of the things that I`ve always wanted to do.  Like Ennis, we can grieve forever and make that our passion or continue to love and live with the passion that held so much promise for us.  I`ve been so afraid that I might not want to live without her...since the movie I am no longer afraid to live and actively seek all those passions that this world and my life holds for me.  It doesn`t take away the fact that I would do anything to have my daughter back and I think anyone who has lost a child would think this way.  God bless you for being strong.  Thank you all for starting this thread...but...sorry...gotta go...tears!!  dang it!!




Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: davidjoseph on May 14, 2006, 08:19:37 PM
Sunnysdc,
Amazing post! Thanks for telling us about your daughter. I understand all the self-questioning that goes into having a child die. Even though my son was killed in an accident and he simply lost control of his car on an icey road, something nags at me about what happeend, as if I somehow failed him or if he wasn't visiting the east coast this crash wouldn't have occured. What has been helpful for me in the healing process are a few simple things that somehow change my own attitude about his death. First I gave away most of his clothes  and some personal items to his friends. This low-key gesture meant so much to all of them. It was like Ennis taking the shirts from Jack's mother in BBM. Each friend of his held whatever they received with a certain reverence and love for him. And I also kept a few of his clothes, including one particular tee-shirt that he liked. I wear it occasionally just to remind myself of our love. I don't think of this as negative but rather a soft and physical expression of us being close. As time goes on I think we become more creative about how to deal with the loss of our loved one. It's one of the inspiring aspects of being a human being. My thanks to Sunnysdc again. I'm sending you some positive thoughts.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: sunnysdc on May 15, 2006, 12:57:10 AM
Thanks for the positive thoughts davidjoseph...very much appreciated.  I too had given away some of my daughters things to her friends etc and it was a very good thing to do.  Unfortunately some of the things I would of loved to keep the most, like her writings, journals and poems, she had thrown away beforehand without my knowledge.  Her clothes, always retained her scent and when they started to lose that I began to get rid of them.  It`s all part of the process, I understand that.  But sometimes things like 911 and BBM come along and that dark grief creeps up on me again like a tidal wave...that`s part of it all too I suppose.  It`s a good thing.  I sure do miss her tho! 

BTW-I don`t know if your last name is Joseph but that is her last name!  Thanks again!!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: davidjoseph on May 15, 2006, 09:50:50 AM
Sunnysdc, my sense of all this is that we feel we (parents) who remain want to do the best thing to remember our child. But sometimes we just do what seems appropriate at the time. We not perfect people making these decisions. We forget to love and care for ourselves in the grieving process. Yeh, the "tidal wave", as you put it so well, seems to drown us for a while but somehow we find ourselves emerging from it. I know that there are days and hours where I miss my son so much it feels like I'll die myself. BTW the Joseph in my sn name is my middle name and it happens to be my son's name as well (Joe). I named him for his paternal great grandfather and for my high school & college best friend, Joe. I hope you take good care of yourself during your most painful moments, and know that you're not alone in your grief. Thanks.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Caroline on May 15, 2006, 10:31:59 AM
Hello everyone,

I have just been reading through the four pages of posts and I think that this may be one of the most important threads we have... to read through these experiences and see how people have dealt with them, and for those not ready yet, this may prove to be very powerful..

I am very pleased to come in and help out here. NickF (from the UK) and I have been asked to mod the support group thread. We are both thrilled to be able to be there for the people who post here.. I understand last week that there was a poster on who said some very harsh things that were totally inappropriate for here.. Rest assured, we will  be here to have your backs and to keep this a place of honour and memory and process.. that is what I think we all need.

I too have lost beloved people of my family.. the last one was my mother-in-law, last year in January... she was more my mother than my own,,, I see my reactions and emotions reflected in the words on these pages... in life, we are exposed to so many forms of death, by what ever circumstances and each have their own impact on our psyche. It is good to have this thread to be able to read a commonality in our grief and process of dealing with the loss.. It is encouraging to find out that others have gone through or at least empathize with what is being experienced..  that sense of connection can be very very powerful... and very healing..

God's grace on all of you

caroline
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on May 15, 2006, 12:11:24 PM

I too have lost beloved people of my family.. the last one was my mother-in-law, last year in January... she was more my mother than my own,,, I see my reactions and emotions reflected in the words on these pages... in life, we are exposed to so many forms of death, by what ever circumstances and each have their own impact on our psyche. It is good to have this thread to be able to read a commonality in our grief and process of dealing with the loss.. It is encouraging to find out that others have gone through or at least empathize with what is being experienced.. that sense of connection can be very very powerful... and very healing..

God's grace on all of you

caroline


I too was very close with my mother-in-law. Even though I am very close with my mom,my mother-in-law was like a mother to me. I was the only girl she trusted for her son(so I have been told)...we talked about things that I would never say to my own mom. Partially because my mom is old country and only speaks spanish. My spanish sucks!!....I just couldn't . 

I was able to share 8 good years with her. She was an alcoholic and a heavy smoker and died from it. Last diagnosis was emphysema. She shared things with me that she never dreamed of telling her own 2 daughters. She would tell me I was like her best friend and was glad I was there to take care of her son. She knew she was dying and would hold my hand...we'd sit side by side and watch TV....my husband was in awe....She was able to see her grandson for his first 2 years. He adored her. He was only 2 yrs old when she died but he called her name for years afterwards. I'd find him sitting up in bed rocking with his teddy bear she had given him. Crying that grandma mimi was in his dreams and she had to go..........freaked me out....I'd be doing things around the house and would smell her perfume...I believe they are still around us,watching...protecting....it's comforting to know that.

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: kaboyz on May 15, 2006, 03:59:40 PM
One of my closest friends recently lost her father pretty quickly to cancer.  She is absolutely distraught, hates people all together and wishes death on everyone else in place of her father.  It has been almost a year and she is still extremely distraught over it all.  Any pointers on how I could help a sister out!?
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Lola on May 15, 2006, 05:04:39 PM
One of my closest friends recently lost her father pretty quickly to cancer.  She is absolutely distraught, hates people all together and wishes death on everyone else in place of her father.  It has been almost a year and she is still extremely distraught over it all.  Any pointers on how I could help a sister out!?

Well that is definitley NOT normal to feel like that.  I certainly never felt that way, nor has anyone else I have known.  My advice to her would be go get into therapy.  I mean seriously!  :-\
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on May 15, 2006, 06:45:05 PM
One of my closest friends recently lost her father pretty quickly to cancer. She is absolutely distraught, hates people all together and wishes death on everyone else in place of her father. It has been almost a year and she is still extremely distraught over it all. Any pointers on how I could help a sister out!?

Wow....the anger is something else. She needs help...professional help...she has to let go of the blame..it wasn't anyone's fault. She sees her pain as unfair and her only outlet is to hurt someone else.It only justifies it for herself...tell her nicely that her father would not like her to waste her life hating...that he's still beside her and that it hurts to see her feel that way....Get her to see someone,even if it means free counseling at work...thru Human Resources.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Caroline on May 15, 2006, 08:12:05 PM

I too have lost beloved people of my family.. the last one was my mother-in-law, last year in January..


I too was very close with my mother-in-law. I'd find him sitting up in bed rocking with his teddy bear she had given him. Crying that grandma mimi was in his dreams and she had to go..........freaked me out....I'd be doing things around the house and would smell her perfume...I believe they are still around us,watching...protecting....it's comforting to know that.

Nellie

The best part of all of that, Nellie, knowing that they are still around protecting us,,, was when I danced with my mother-in-law in a dream... it gladdened my heart and I knew when I awoke from it,,, that she was still there, dancing with me through my life.. it was wonderfull....

yes, they are still there.. beneath all the roar of our lives.. it  is in the stillness of the moment that we find out that they are still there..

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on May 16, 2006, 05:03:04 AM

I too have lost beloved people of my family.. the last one was my mother-in-law, last year in January..


I too was very close with my mother-in-law. I'd find him sitting up in bed rocking with his teddy bear she had given him. Crying that grandma mimi was in his dreams and she had to go..........freaked me out....I'd be doing things around the house and would smell her perfume...I believe they are still around us,watching...protecting....it's comforting to know that.

Nellie

The best part of all of that, Nellie, knowing that they are still around protecting us,,, was when I danced with my mother-in-law in a dream... it gladdened my heart and I knew when I awoke from it,,, that she was still there, dancing with me through my life.. it was wonderfull....

yes, they are still there.. beneath all the roar of our lives.. it is in the stillness of the moment that we find out that they are still there..



That is so beautiful....dancing with her...you just made me cry.....(a good cry)

Thanks

Nellie :)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: kaboyz on May 16, 2006, 07:42:19 PM
I come from a very large family and growing up one of my mother's brother's lived across the street from me.  There were six of them and six of us.  We were all very close in age and had a lot of the same friends growing up.  I was in my cousin Joey's wedding along with one of our friends, Brad (we graduated HS almost 10 years ago, the wedding was 5 years ago).

I kept in touch with Brad over the years after we graduated high school and when we were both asked to be in my cousin Joey's wedding (about 5 years ago), it sparked up our friendship all over again.  Brad was an amazing character, the kind of guy everyone was friends with.  Leading up to the wedding, we had many great opportunities to hang out, it was just like old times.

A week after the wedding, Brad was involved in a car accident and he lost his life.  Brad called me that same night, he told me he was going to one of the bars we frequently went to, and he invited me come along.  It was already late so I passed on going.

Only the driver and the other passenger in the vehicle know what really happened that evening, but neither of them are talking.  Brad was in the fire department and it was another local fire departments 50th anny, so before going out to the bars, they were all celebrating at the neighboring local fire department.  Brad hitched a ride up to the bar with the fire chief and another fellow fire fighter. 

The fire chief apparently dropped them off at the bar, when he heard a loud noise from behind the vehicle, he realized he was dragging Brad.  Brad apparently fell from the back of the fire chief's SUV and hit the back of his head on the road, died from the impact, and was then dragged before the fire chief noticed.  That is the fire chief's story.

The fire chief was never tested to see if he was drinking and driving and the passenger in the vehicle is claiming he doesn't know anything.  We suspect this was a terrible drinking related accident.  It was all very sketchy and very heart breaking.  Brad's poor family...they have no answers, we have no answers. 

Recently his mother sent me a picture of Brad and hugging at my cousins wedding.  His poor family has no closure and are still mourning as if it happened yesterday.  I feel so bad for them, five years later and still no answers.  We run into the fire chief and the kid who was in the SUV with them all the time.  It is so difficult...running into his family, seeing pictures from the wedding...from our High School trip...from when we were younger...

Anyway, I have dreams about Brad every once in a while.  It is so strange, b/c in the dreams, I know he is gone...and my first instinct in the dreams is to embrace him, which I do, and then I always try to get answers from him about what happened the night he died.  In the dream he always tells me not to worry about it and that 'they are going to be here soon'...then before I know it, they arrive and Brad is gone and I immediately wake up.  I remember when I first had this dream, I was so thankful to get to say hello and goodbye to him.  I'm not really going anywhere with this, just felt like sharing.           

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nick_F on May 17, 2006, 04:33:23 AM
Just a quick note to say Hi!

Glad to be moderating here. 

If you need anything, as Caroline said, please don't hesitate to PM me!


Nick
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on May 17, 2006, 08:55:54 AM
Kaboyz......your story is touching. I believe dreams have a powerful meaning behind them. I take them seriously in fact. To have him appear to you is telling you he is trying to comfort you. He's saying everything is okay...which makes me think that it was indeed an innocent accident...let's hope. Or it could just very well mean he has forgiven them and is at peace. I wonder if he visits them in their dreams. I always feel blessed when I have a dream from a loved one. It's sort of comforting,isn't it?

It's so sad when one dies so suddenly...I truly hope that Brad's family finds some answers. What makes it worse is not knowing....speaking from experience, not KNOWING is a life sentence of its own. You can never find that peace that you need to move on.

Prayers to you and Brad's family

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: leatherman on May 17, 2006, 10:41:27 AM
A couple of weeks ago, my partner and I rented the BBM DVD (things the way there are, there just wasn't money to see it in the theater). He came away thinking it was good (I mean, how often do we get to see gay love stories?) but not overly impressed. On the other hand, I'm just pulling out of a bout of depression after seeing the film. I basically knew what the film was about; but not THAT ending. I had no idea it was going to affect me so much. Grief is like that though. It hangs around and pops up at the most unexpected times.

There I was watching this great love story, and then it ends with those two shirts. Sitting here in my house, with two leather jackets left hanging side-by-side in the closet reminding me of my lost lover, I wanted to reach right through the screen and hug that poor guy Ennis. Suddenly, all that sadness I thought I had left behind just overwhelmed me again.

This movie became an obsession and I became a Brokeaholic. Thank goodness for this site.  ;)
I saw that lots of people were obsessed by the film for all sorts of reasons. After reading thousands of posts dissecting the movie, I gradually came to grips with the story and my own grief. (even looked through the slash stuff - but I can't get into some of that. This movie has a realistic edge of losing someone and when they are gone, they don't come back, things don't get better nor can you go back in time and change things to get a better outcome.)

At the end of this month, I'll be remembering losing my Randy eleven years ago to AIDS. He was only 29 (another stab of grief as Lureen utters a similar line), I was 30, and we had been together for 10 yrs. For years afterwards, as I struggled with the same illness, I withdrew into myself. Nearly a hermit in my own home, my thoughts were about what could have been, should have been but would never be. (just like Ennis, alone in that trailer with only his memories) Thankfully though, life moved on, and I got better physically and emotionally, and I moved on too.

Even though the future is still very uncertain for me (doc appt tomorrow to get results from the latest bloodwork and hoping they are still good like they have been lately, instead of as bad as they have been in the last decade), I at least still have a future. I've always been more of a "Jack" than an "Ennis" so I can even see enough of a future that I finally gave in two yrs ago, and let my long time friend officially become my boyfriend. (although he would probably say that for yrs. I've been as stubborn as Ennis for not committing sooner)

Obviously I'll never get over Randy (sometimes I even like wallowing in the grief. it helps me remember him); but it sure is nice to be in love and loved again. (it's also nice to know that I'm not the only one obsessed with BBM :D) After I figured out why this movie got to me so bad, and explained it to my partner (who, of course, understood since he was friends with Randy and I), I'm feeling so much better and ready to grab the reins on this relationship and ride it for as long as it lasts.

Thanks for letting me share. :)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Lola on May 17, 2006, 11:39:32 AM
And thank you for sharing with us!!  I wish you all the very best, with your new relationship and with your health.    :-*

(((((HUGS))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on May 17, 2006, 11:54:44 AM
Leatherman.....(((HUGS)))   to you my friend...glad you found us too.

Nellie :)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on May 18, 2006, 11:12:43 AM
Okay....things are boiling up inside today....all these years and finally you've reached a point when nothing matters anymore. My 12 yr old dog is sick and may die...I have an 11 yr old boy and an 8 yr old girl who are having a hard time.

This may sound a little weird but it's stirring up these feelings in my heart. Dealing with my dog and thinking of my child I lost 12 years ago. I'm not comparing the 2....it's just emotions.

I was pregnant with my first child at 27 yrs old. Things were going really well. Her due date was May 7th. In February 8th I celebrated my 28th b-day and I was at the top of the world. Had married a great guy 2 yrs prior . That night I sensed something was wrong. I was feeling great, I just get these "feelings" every now and then. Call it instinct...call it a premonition....That morning I woke up very sad...I remember going to the bathroom and sitting there praying to God ...telling him if my baby is sick to please take it now...Why was I doing this? What made me say all these horrible things?....I cried that night when I didn't feel my baby move. My husband told me to drink orange juice and relax...we had just bought a house and were planing on moving Feb. 12th.

On February 11th (the next day)  I went to work and called the doctor. She told me to go straight to the hospital...my husband picked me up and we went. I already knew she had died...didn't tell anyone at work or my husband that I just knew. The test results made my fears a reality. They couldn't understand what went wrong...they estimated that she had died on Feb. 8th(my birthday)....

I gave birth to a little girl that day. She was beautiful...dark curly hair...6 months...tiny (2 1/2 pounds)...named her Ashley Ann.....that day a part of me died....it wasn't until BBM came along that opened doors for me..started looking at life a little differently....have the support from you guys now and thought I'd give it a try. Never went to any counseling...I've had 2 beautiful children since then. Told them they have a big sister and that she protects them...

Started thinking about my best friend who died also...but I'll save that story for another day...my little girl is special to me....I'll never forget when some asshole at work told me..."Oh,you'll be fine,at least she wasn't born alive and you didn't get attached to her yet"......I know she meant well but you have no idea how that made me feel. I had this child in me for 6 months...she was a part of me....I felt her...I made plans for her....But God's plan was different, he wanted my 2 kids to have a guardian angel...that's all...

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Lola on May 18, 2006, 11:48:35 AM
Nellie I can't even imagine, that was my worst fear when I was pregnant.  Had it happend, I doubt I would have recovered.   It is just the saddest thing that can happen.

Unless someone has carried a child inside them for 9 months, they will never understand.  And anyone who has and doesn't understand the pain, well I just don't know what to say about them.

And to have it happen with your first!!   :'( :'(

I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy, but that in no way compares to what happend to you, I also had one after I had the two boys, not nice, but I got over that fine.

Just think your little girl is an angel in Heaven, watching over you and your kids and no doubt your dog.  My dog will be 13 next month, I know it is not pleasant to see them age, they have such short little lives.

((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Dal on May 18, 2006, 12:47:45 PM
Quote from: Lola
((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))

From me too Nellie.  Must have added another, very strange layer to that experience years ago, the fact that the baby had no name, no (I don't know) "social identity", was completely unkown to the world.....  except to you.

My kid sister and brother were awfully affected when our old faithful terrier died; it was sad to see them that way.  They did perk up pretty quickly when we brought a new puppy into the picture though, and they fell right in love! 

Dal
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Sharyn on May 23, 2006, 09:05:09 PM
One of my closest friends recently lost her father pretty quickly to cancer. She is absolutely distraught, hates people all together and wishes death on everyone else in place of her father. It has been almost a year and she is still extremely distraught over it all. Any pointers on how I could help a sister out!?

Wow....the anger is something else. She needs help...professional help...she has to let go of the blame..it wasn't anyone's fault. She sees her pain as unfair and her only outlet is to hurt someone else.It only justifies it for herself...tell her nicely that her father would not like her to waste her life hating...that he's still beside her and that it hurts to see her feel that way....Get her to see someone,even if it means free counseling at work...thru Human Resources.

Hi McNell--- I just LOVE the advice you give here... especially since you mention free counseling at work through HR. That free counseling is called Employee Assistance Program (EAP)  and that is my field (in the "real world")  Typically no one realizes their company may offer these FREE AND CONFIDENTIAL services as part of their entire benefits package. Trained, licensed professionals are available usually 24 hours via an 800 number and employees and their family members can seek assistance.  It is a great resource for many of life's troubles, but especially for grief and loss issues.

I encourage everyone to seek these benefits out at their place of employment. If you have any questions, either PM me or ask your HR contact (if you feel comfortable) -- these services are confidential!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Sharyn on May 23, 2006, 09:37:18 PM
Hi Lola---  Hugs!

Leatherman-- powerful story and I'm glad your here... still here... I wish you love and health always....

kaboyz-- I am so sorry for your loss... and thank you for sharing... sometimes there is no answer to "why" gotta ask-- are you from the northern east coast? 

Nellie-- Loss... now matter what/who... dog? cat? bird? unborn child... is still loss... and still sucks!  I've never been pregnant (yet) but had a friend who went through a very similar experience. Had to have a DNC as well. She was going through it the same time I was losing my mother.  At the time I was selfish and younger and thought she was being dramatic ... boy was I wrong! Just like she and just like you... I had plans for me and my mom and them not happening b/c she died doesn't make me mourn for her or those un-lived activites any less.   

A writing to share:   I wrote this a while ago-- after Hurricane Katrina--- somehow what all those folks went through and watching it all on TV made me think of my loss....   Thanks for reading...

Storms are unpredictable; their devastation unknown till they hit their target. Some in a storm’s path chose to prepare and stock themselves with reserves,—food, water, boxed up photographs—to sustain them through the aftermath and beyond. Others, usually in a strange form of denial, believe the warning signs of a 100 mile an hour hurricane with flooding and damage a certainty, are directed to people other than them; that either the pending doom is going to fizzle or will pass them over. Even proof of the storms severity does little to motivate these non-believers into any kind of preparation. They feel they are safe. But they are wrong. They happen to be the most vulnerable. In reality they are paralyzed by fear, masked by hope and find comfort in what they know, in what is untouched, unaltered, and whole.
   
Like any devastating storm created by Mother Nature, June 7th came bringing a tumultuous and overwhelming current of emotion and change I have not yet fully waded through and wonder if I ever will. That day in 2000 was a beautiful, warm early summer day. No storms on the horizon. The sun was shining, birds were singing, and barely a cloud touched the soft welcoming sky. It was a day most would have said was full of promise. A day made for playing hooky, loading up the car with a blanket, a good book, a bottle of wine and driving to an open green pasture and whiling away the hours in pleasant boredom. It was certainly not a day to be robotically packing up a car to drive 6 hours home, a car full of books, movies, pictures and hope never to be shared with her again.  It was not a day for devastation.
   
June 7th, that beautiful day, was my mother’s last on earth. I at times allow myself to really ponder what last truly means. I wonder about the finality of a life cut short by damage and disease. Like driving past a fatal car accident and realizing the person in that accident just didn’t make the few feet you now pass with ease. Just like that. Instantly, a human who breathed, created, and loved, can cease to exist. Sure, those left behind are told the deceased will exist in their hearts, but honestly, what piece of my mother that lives in me is not half the being she was in life and hardly a comfort on lonely nights when I’m up thinking about mistakes I’ve made at work, friends I’ve lost or can’t seem to communicate with since her death, and whether my boyfriend of 8 years is still the one for me.
   
The day breast cancer led traitorous cells to ravage and split her liver in two, causing her to bleed out, split me in two. A Sharyn before and a Sharyn after. There was definitely a Sharyn before June 7th and certainly an altered Sharyn afterwards. Like those who chose not to heed the warning of a severe storm, I lived the last 4 and half years of her life living mine to its fullest in a haze of fear and sweet hope that MY mother would live. I never prepared for this kind of end, for a lifetime without her and I most certainly never prepared for her to die without my chance of saying goodbye.
   
I was told of her death over the phone when alone in my post-college apartment. The split-second silent answer my father gave my question “is she gone?” before going on to explain, “it was very quick…” lifted my body to action from the couch then slapped me back to the floor. As my father kept talking words I will never remember, I told him to wait, that I needed a minute with “this.” By then I was kneeling on the floor, head down and out of my 24 year-old body, a 5 year-old emerged—the kind of 5 year-old I had never been—and wailed, “MOMMY! MOMMY COME BACK PLEEEEASE! PLEASE COME BACK! GOD DON’T DO THIS TO ME! WAIT! PLEASE MOMMY COME BACK!” I crawled on hands and knees banging on the floor then the front door in a fit of rage, despair and utter disbelief. I had just talked with her the night before! She sounded wonderful, alert, and happy to be in her bed, under her own covers. I had plans for how we’d spend our last days! I packed a box of treasures we’d share one last time while I combed her hair as she always loved me to do. I was going to hold her, thank her, be with her. I was going to hold her hand. I wanted to hold her hand.

But on June 7, 2000, that horrible day my mother breathed her last sweet breath on this green and blue earth, I was alone in an apartment six hundred miles away; a five year old in a heap on the floor begging for my mother.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on May 24, 2006, 05:19:49 AM
Sharyn...my heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this with us and you are in my prayers....(((HUGS)))

...and thank you for your kind words as well. Talking about HR and all...I sure can tell people to seek out help..but for me,I have never gone myself. Stupid huh?...never thought I didn't have it under control..but thanks to you guys I'm on my way to recovery and this HR person is going to get a phone call....

Thanks

Nellie :)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on May 25, 2006, 08:43:02 AM
Today I'm in a shitty mood. A couple days ago I found out that my family's friend's son had passed away. He died suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 43. We grew up together. He married some years ago to a lovely woman who has diabetes and wasn't able to have children. Some years later they had a gorgeous daughter and their lives were great. He was the sweetest human being. Would come up to my parents even after seeing them years before and hug them. A kind soul and now he's gone. What makes me feel worse is that today they are burying him and instead I am sitting here at work in a daze. I can not bare to go to the funeral,it will kill me. Between my sick dog and very upset children...now this. My daughter's memory comes to play as well......my mother-in-law...and my best friend's death. I am truly fucked....sorry for being vulgar.

Feeling guilty that I'm allowing my 77 yr old father to drive alone with my mother to this funeral. I'm pissed at myself for wimping out and wonder if I'll regret this for the rest of my life. My emotions are tearing me apart and I just can't stand it anymore. I hate feeling this way and I hate myself for allowing my emotions to get the best of me.

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: bbmbliss on May 25, 2006, 09:28:07 AM
Today I'm in a shitty mood. A couple days ago I found out that my family's friend's son had passed away. He died suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 43. We grew up together. He married some years ago to a lovely woman who has diabetes and wasn't able to have children. Some years later they had a gorgeous daughter and their lives were great. He was the sweetest human being. Would come up to my parents even after seeing them years before and hug them. A kind soul and now he's gone. What makes me feel worse is that today they are burying him and instead I am sitting here at work in a daze. I can not bare to go to the funeral,it will kill me. Between my sick dog and very upset children...now this. My daughter's memory comes to play as well......my mother-in-law...and my best friend's death. I am truly fucked....sorry for being vulgar.

Feeling guilty that I'm allowing my 77 yr old father to drive alone with my mother to this funeral. I'm pissed at myself for wimping out and wonder if I'll regret this for the rest of my life. My emotions are tearing me apart and I just can't stand it anymore. I hate feeling this way and I hate myself for allowing my emotions to get the best of me.

Nellie

Nellie sweetheart - no-one can be expected to deal with all this grief and just carry on regardless.  You need to give yourself some credit, you know -you're carrying on with your life and bringing up your two children.  And that's what you've got to focus on, isn't it?

Feeling guilty about your decisions is natural but you can only do what you can do.  You can't look after everyone - you've got to look after yourself and your immediate family, and let the rest happen.

As for letting your emotions get the better of you, you're a sensitive, caring human being - of course, you're going to have strong emotions.  I know it can feel like you're getting completely worn out, but hang in there.  It will get better.

With my heartfelt best wishes to you
Blissx
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on May 25, 2006, 10:16:47 AM
nellie - are you here ? i missed you at the diner and when i just read your post i knew why you're not here. i don't know what to say what bliss hasn't said yet. you're freind, from where he is now, will not value you less just because you were not around when they put his body to earth. he isn't in there anymore anyway. and it wouldn't help anyone if you break down at the funeral. you have enough to carry yourself right now.

let me give you a big hug and let me know if there's anything we can do for you !

((((((Nellie))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on May 26, 2006, 08:43:03 AM
What gave me some comfort last night was when I called my mom and we cried together. He donated all his organs and over 300 people showed up for his funeral...proof to me that he was loved and is up in heaven looking down on us and smiling.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Zudos on May 26, 2006, 08:50:31 AM
What gave me some comfort last night was when I called my mom and we cried together. He donated all his organs and over 300 people showed up for his funeral...proof to me that he was loved and is up in heaven looking down on us and smiling.

Glad you are feeling a tad better today, you special special girl...

 :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on May 26, 2006, 11:39:55 AM
What gave me some comfort last night was when I called my mom and we cried together. He donated all his organs and over 300 people showed up for his funeral...proof to me that he was loved and is up in heaven looking down on us and smiling.

Glad you are feeling a tad better today, you special special girl...

 :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*

It helps to have special friends looking after you

 :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Sharyn on May 26, 2006, 05:58:11 PM
Hi Nellie,
sorry to hear about your friend... what a shitty week for you!  (be vulgar all you want!)  It is nice to hear you are feeling a little better.

I really identified with your statement about hating how you let your emotions get the best of you... I haven't had the week you've had, but I know I've been "there" whether mourning my mother, watching brokeback mountain, or even a friggin halmark comercial! -- I cried watching the last 2 minutes of American Idol when they announced the winner and that is the only part of the season I watched-- I don't know this man who won but there I was crying for him!  What is all this emotion?! where does it come from? I try to think of it as THE best in me (in all of us who feel emotions strongly) but damn... it can be scarry... and definitely overwhelming. I am glad you reached out here in your emotion and will remember to do the same when i'm hit. 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on May 26, 2006, 06:25:05 PM
Hi Nellie,
sorry to hear about your friend... what a shitty week for you! (be vulgar all you want!) It is nice to hear you are feeling a little better.

I really identified with your statement about hating how you let your emotions get the best of you... I haven't had the week you've had, but I know I've been "there" whether mourning my mother, watching brokeback mountain, or even a friggin halmark commercial! -- I cried watching the last 2 minutes of American Idol when they announced the winner and that is the only part of the season I watched-- I don't know this man who won but there I was crying for him! What is all this emotion?! where does it come from? I try to think of it as THE best in me (in all of us who feel emotions strongly) but damn... it can be scarry... and definitely overwhelming. I am glad you reached out here in your emotion and will remember to do the same when i'm hit.

Sharyn girl...I will be here for you in your time of need..promise..

It has been a week from hell. My vet called me an hour ago and wants me to bring my dog in first thing in the morning. I am dreading everything....

I too cried for Taylor Hicks...I cry for everything . Last night I was watching the news and they began reporting about a high school girl who was getting her hair done for her graduation...a honor roll student. She was leaving the place and got on her bike. Had her IPod on full blast and didn't hear the train coming...all night I thought of that poor girl getting her hair done for her own funeral. How morbid and upsetting. I never used to be so God darn sensitive. But here I am...geez...I like your idea of it being the best of you.AND you're right .People need to show emotion..it would make this world a better place I think.

So girlfriend...we can cry together..shoot...I don't care anymore...ha ha ha

Hugs to you

Nellie
Title: Gary, I'll never forget You!
Post by: jt44 on May 29, 2006, 02:37:49 PM
Just when I was gettin over the emotions with BBM, I come to this thread. My heart goes out to all who have lost a loved one. I really know where your coming from. It isn't easy losing a family member of best friend.
I'm from a family of five. Four boys, one girl who was the second to the oldest. I'm the youngest. When I was 5, my sister at the time was 9, was hit by a car in San Antonio, Texas. She was in a coma for 5 days before her  little heart gave out. I didn't really grasp what what happening at the time, being in kindergarten. My oldest brother told me later that it changed the way our parents showed thier affection for us boys after that. They had put up a block, so to speak, but could never come out and say that they loved us in words. All my life and to this day, I'm 47, there response to being told "I Love You", is "Me Too". I know they do, but they just can't say it. My two oldest brothers were always close, doing everything together. My brother Gary, just 11 months older than me, was my best friend and companion growing up. He took up for me when I was being bullied by the older brothers or anyone else. We shared the same room together, slept in the same bed till we got into High School, when other two married and moved out. When I was going thru puberty, he was the one to tell me about the changes going on in my body. Being raised Catholic, my parents never discussed sex with any of us boys. What I learned was in books or what Gary told me.  Hope this don't sound sick, but Gary was the one who thought me about masterbating at a very early age. There wasn't anything I couldn't tell him.
I had always known that I was different from other guys, as early as I can remember. I have always been attracted to men. At first, I didn't know what it was, then years later, I started having dreams of men and what it would be like to mess around with them. Gary and I never did anything sexual, besides years earlier with him telling and pretty much showing me about using your hand for pleasure. Of all the things I could talk to him about, I couldn't bring myself to talking about my attraction to men. This I found out about pretty much on my own.
When we got into High School, we were a little more distant from each other. He made his friends and I made mine. In the tenth grade he dropped out of school, he was struggling to get thru, his grades were poor and he was already set back a year by my Mother in elememtary. A girl  friend of mine used to take me home from school everyday. We were in the last class of the day together.  When she would drop me off, Gary was ussually at the front door and would wave at her. Deana, her name, finally asked if I would get them together, that she thought Gary was cute. Well, I told Gary, he said where and when. They dated a couple of years and decided to get married. I was a Senior in school. I'll never forget this, but, the night before their wedding, we had a party for him. After it was over, I went to bed. He came home several hours later. Next thing, there was a tap on my shoulder waking me. Gary asked if he could sleep with me, that he didn't want to sleep alone. I said sure, hop in. He asked me if I was doing alright, I said sure. "Well, I know I haven't been spending much time with you, but, You know I'm still here if you need me for anything". We fell asleep, him crading me in his arms.
Soon after I had met my future wife. I was totally screwed up with my feelings. I thought getting married, I wouls somehow change my feelings about guys. It didn't. My wife turned out to be one of my best friends. I never cheated on her, we got along perfect. The marriage lasted 6 1/2  years. Three sons. Just couldn't cope with my feelings anymore. Gary had divorced after about 7 years with Deana, they had one son. He came home from work one day and found his clothes packed. She told him that she didn't love him anymore and wanted a divorce. This like to have killed him.
My divorce was ruff. I finally came out to my family. The hardest thing I had ever had to do. My wife was angry for the years of lying, thought our whole marriage was a sham. I assured her it wasn't and would have never intentionally hurt her or the boys.
About a month after I moved out, I met my partner. We've been together 22 years. My ex took off and left the boys at my parents house. I made arrangement to put the boys daycare and school. She showed up a year later and I asked for custody of the boys. She gave it to me.
After all this time, my family still hadn't even met my partner or had been to my house. Gary was still dealing with his breakup. Always hoping she would come back. It never happened. I had gotten to the point that I was going to leave my partner and move back to my hometown. I forgot to say when I was 11, we moved out to a small town 30 miles south of SA, TX. I was telling my Mother of my plans, and she asked why I would want to do this. She hadn't seen me happier in years. I said I was happy, but couldn't live with the fact of not having my family in my life. It finally hit her, and she told me not to move out. The boys were happy and I was, they had adjusted well.
Gary was the first to make a move. He showed up at my house a few days later. He said he felt so bad about not being there for me, that he was still trying to get his life back together. He met my partner and they hit it off right away. The rest of the family came around a little later.
After 15 years, Gary still hadn't remarried. He just couldn't let himself go thru another marriage like that. He had started using drugs to help with the pain. Seeing his son every other weekend, coming home to an empty house. He hated life to an extent. He started spending more time at my house and going places with us and when he had his weekends with his son, they were with us. I would ask every once in awhile if he had dated or met anyone. He said he couldn't do it again. I finaaly realized that the drugs were really screwing him up. I got him to stay with me for quite a awhile to get him off them. It took about a year and half, but he did it.
We had a family owned business that everyone worked at. I was basically the accountant and hired a secretary, Teresa, to help me out. Teresa and I hit it off great. She had no problem with me being gay. Gary would come in the office every once in awhile, and I could see on his face, that he liked Teresa. Teresa, in the meantime was asking me about Gary. She had just went thru a divorce about a year earlier, and had three children. She thought Gary was soo cute and handsome. Neither of them would make the first move. My partner and I finally invited them over for dinner one evening, without the other knowing about the other coming. They hit it off great. Within a year they had gotten married. Gary had finally found his soul mate and Teresa hers. After all these years, Gary was happy again.
Things were going great for both of them. They had just celebrated their first anniversary, and Gary came by one day and said that he wasn't feeling real great for the last couple of months. He had been having pain in his side. I told him he needed to go to a doctor and get a check up. Teresa took him and they ran a bunch of test on him. Turned out he had Hep C, and cancer in his liver bile ducts. The years of drugs had taken their toll on his poor body. I was just totally stunned, how could this happen. He had found what he was wanting most in life, now to be taken away from him. God, I cried for days. Gary told me, "We'll get thru this", but I knew the way he said it, it wasn't gonna happen. "You have to be strong for Teresa and Mom and Dad". The next several months, I was at his house just about everyday. Each day he was getting weeker. He asked me one day if I was all right, I just broke down. I told him I was hurting so much inside to see him going thru so much pain. "I wish I could take your place, to let you enjoy what took you so many years to find again". He told me, "Someones got to keep this Family together, and I was the one that was gonna have to do it". He also said, "For all the years you put up with me and my bullshit, I look back and you made my life livable again.You have always been there when I needed you. Dropping everything to come to my aid. You don't see your other Brothers around here that much do you? Yea, they call to see how I'm doing and come around to visit once in awhile. But your the one who has stood beside me and looked after me all these years. I know our family isn't the greatest at showing our feelings and telling each other how much we care about one another. But you know Jimbo, that I love you with all my heart. When I'm gone, remember the good things that we've done together. I'll be lookin out after you". I held him the best I could without hurting him too much. After a few minutes he told me, "I want you to know, that I am really starting to get scared about dying, I don't hardly want to go to sleep anymore, scared I might not wake up again". I held his hand and he said, "Knowing your here beside me, it won't be as bad".
After a couple of weeks, Gary was completely bed ridden. I went to stay with Teresa and Gary for the last 3 weeks of his life. Teresa and I took shifts as to sitting up with him. One day I was in the kitchen and I heard a scream from the bedroom. I ran in and Gary was sitting up startled. Apparently, when he slept, his breathing slowed down to a crawl. Teresa tought he had passed on. I don't know who was scared most.
The day before Gary died, I left that night to go home and get some things done and to make sure my family was doing okay. I decided to stay at my house. Teresa called about 6 in the morning and said she tought he was going into a coma. I got dressed and was at his house within an hour. Gary had already lapsed into a coma. I felt so bad, I didn't get to say anything else to him. We sat with him and waited, I had to pick the boys up from school. I told Gary that I was leaving for awhile and would be right back. He started reaching for my hand, and took hold of it and squeezed it. I cried all the way to the school. I got back and a little later that evening my oldest Brother stopped by to see him. He stood by his bed for awhile and just couldn't take it anymore. He went outside. Teresa said she was going to go and talk to him. I got up and went and sat next to Gary. I put his head in my arm, and rubbed his forehead softly. I said" Gary, you know I love you, and I always will. Don't worry about Teresa or Mom or Dad and the family. We'll all be alright. You don't have to fight it anymore, you can let go". I guess that's what he was waiting to hear. He took one last breath and he was gone. I held him for awhile longer before I went out to tell Teresa and my Brother that he was gone.
Called my parents and other brother also.
Several weeks after the funeral, my Mother and I were talking about the night Gary died. I told her that I didn't know how to describe the feeling I had when he had left this life while in my arms. It is something you can't explain. She said she knew exactly what I was talking about. She was holding my Sister when she died. Mom said that that was something I should cherish, that Gary wanted me to be with him when passed into the other side. And it is, I miss him so much, took months of getting on the phone to call him about something and realizing that he wasn't there anymore to talk to. Thinking he's gonna walk into the room at anytime. I'm at peace now, things must happen for a reason. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of him.
Sorry this is so long. Once I start ramblin, just hard to stop. Have to get ready for work now, already late.
I want to thank Dave for this site and all of the wonderful people who visit with there stories. Damn, isn't Life wonderful!
jt44
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: bbmbliss on May 30, 2006, 03:17:53 AM
jt - thanks so much for sharing your story.  So sad... 

But you were able to do something wonderful for your brother at the end, and you SHOULD cherish that - like your Mum said.

Best wishes to you - and you're right - it is a wonderful life..

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: beej63 on May 30, 2006, 09:32:31 PM
Nellie...I lost my child ( a boy) when I was 5 and a half months pregnant..I had been having problems, some bleeding and they kept saying it was just a cyst until i went to another hospital in Boston where they found I was leaking amniotic fluid. They asked if I wanted to abort him since I was most likely going to lose him anyway..thought never crossed my mind.  I gave birth to my son Brian 4 days later..he weighed only 1 lb 2 oz...and lived long enough to take one breath.  Although I have had 2 children since then, He is forever in my heart and thoughts..

on another note..I am so sorry for the week you are having..your friend sounds like he was a wonderful person..over 300 people, what a tribute!

As for your dog, as a dog owner myself, my heart goes out to you..my kids would be devasted if anything happened to our dog, (they are 13 and 8) please know I care...
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on May 31, 2006, 09:25:24 AM
Nellie...I lost my child ( a boy) when I was 5 and a half months pregnant..I had been having problems, some bleeding and they kept saying it was just a cyst until i went to another hospital in Boston where they found I was leaking amniotic fluid. They asked if I wanted to abort him since I was most likely going to lose him anyway..thought never crossed my mind. I gave birth to my son Brian 4 days later..he weighed only 1 lb 2 oz...and lived long enough to take one breath. Although I have had 2 children since then, He is forever in my heart and thoughts..

on another note..I am so sorry for the week you are having..your friend sounds like he was a wonderful person..over 300 people, what a tribute!

As for your dog, as a dog owner myself, my heart goes out to you..my kids would be devasted if anything happened to our dog, (they are 13 and 8) please know I care...

Wow...we have a lot in common then. I'm so sorry about your loss. A little boy....your children are lucky to have their personal guardian angel as well. My husband's name is Brian...what a lovely name. Yesterday was Ashley's due date...she would of been 12 years old. Funny how I put my dog to sleep on that day...unknowing at the time...hmmmm

God bless you and your family...hoping you are at peace right now. It hurts to wonder what they would of looked like. I often stare at my kids and wonder what features Ashley would of had.....now she has a new puppy to play with in heaven...Buzz

Thanks Beej...for all your kind words..they do help

Nellie :)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ImEnnisShesJack on June 09, 2006, 05:14:29 AM
Thanks for letting me share. :)

leatherman, you (and others like you) are the reason this forum exists and flourishes.  The stories of the way BBM paralleled our lives, touched our lives, changed our lives - it's the common thread that binds us all.  Thank you for sharing such a bittersweet story, I'm teary but smiling at the same time.  Welcome to the forum.

H.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on June 19, 2006, 05:04:45 PM
I've come to realize that a woman of my age (40) with elderly parents,relatives,friends and all,I am going to be experiencing a lot of deaths.It is the facts of life. My cousin's father-in-law died yesterday on Father's Day. What a day to die. She was going over his house with my aunt and they found him dead. He was 77. How sad is that.I haven't seen him in years and even though his death really didn't affect me deeply,I remember how sweet and how giving he was to me and my family. I hated the fact that my cousin and poor aunt had to find him like that.Life sucks,it doesn't matter what day it is or where you are.

God bless him.

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: chapeaugris on June 21, 2006, 04:22:52 AM
June 21, 1985

I am thinking of you today, Howard. I still miss you.

Kim
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on June 21, 2006, 05:21:24 AM
June 21, 1985

I am thinking of you today, Howard. I still miss you.

Kim

(((HUGS)))

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: B73 on June 23, 2006, 01:17:08 PM
Dear all of you:

I've just perused this thread for the first time, and let me say that my heart goes out to you all for the losses you have had to endure.

It is my day off, so I watched BBM for the 10th time today.  And afterward, I cried for a half an hour; I am still crying now.  And I have realized at last why this movie wrecks me so.

I have had both an Ennis and a Jack in my life, and I lost them both: my Ennis when he was hit by a car six years ago; my Jack when he committed suicide, fourteen years ago when I was 21. 

Now "Ennis": sweet soul indeed, a kind man, whose loss I still feel today; he had Ennis's mournful brown eyes, his sensitive nature.  And my "Jack"--he looked just like Jack, just like him, six feet tall and lanky, with dark hair, strong chin, soft mouth, and blue blue eyes ringed with long lashes--he was a clone of Jake Gyllenhaal, it's uncanny, though he was not a kind man, not at all.  Both were uneducated, both smoked and drank too much, both lived on the boundaries of society.  And now I see that the men in BBM were the mirrors of the men I'd had in my life, and that their losses remind me of the losses I've had to experience.

Oh man.  I haven't thought of that stuff in years and years.  I try not to think of it much, you know; especially since I thought I could have done something for them, especially "Jack," even though I know now that he was lost to me before we even met.

Anyway, thank you for having this thread, and for letting me share.  I feel a bit better now saying all this to you all, because you are all such good, kind people.  Thank you.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on June 23, 2006, 03:01:57 PM
Anyway, thank you for having this thread, and for letting me share. I feel a bit better now saying all this to you all, because you are all such good, kind people. Thank you.

Sweetheart, I feel your pain.Please know we're here for you.

(((HUGS)))

Nellie :)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: B73 on June 23, 2006, 07:22:54 PM

Sweetheart, I feel your pain.Please know we're here for you.

(((HUGS)))

Nellie :)

Hi, Nellie:

thank you so much.  You seem like such a fabulous woman.  Bless you, my dear. 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: brian on July 06, 2006, 05:02:44 AM
I have noted this thread as I knew it would not be long before I became a member. I have been reporting regularly to the G'day thread and the Christians who love Brokeback thread. My mother (1 month short of 97) has been slowly dying with pulmonary fibrosis for over 2 years and this morning she passed away at 9.10am Australian time. I have been staying with her for the past week and sharing with my sister the task of caring for her every need. She stopped being able to swallow on Tuesday morning and we learnt how to give her morphine injections every 4 hours. Yesterday morning she said her last word which was "together' as my sister and I stood by her side and stroked her arm and neck. I wanted her to go and end her suffering but was fearful of it occurring during the night although I got up nearly every hour to check on her.  Yesterday we played CDs of hymns all day - she always loved hymns but it was very hard as she just stared at us and we had no way of telling if she understood what we were saying to her. This morning 2 community nurses came to wash her and while there she breathed her last. They were able to take care of the necessities - perhaps she knew this was the best time  for her to go to make it easier for us. My sister is feeling it more than me as she has lived with her for 6 years and caring for her over the past 2 years has filled her whole life. I have gone down 3 days per week for the past 6 months to give my sister a break and I have rung my mother nearly every night for the 32 years since my father died but she made her last visit to my home at Christmas and we knew that would be the last. My house is in the mountains where her breathing became worse and has too many steps for her wheelchair. Now we have the task of arranging the services, a private cremation on Monday and a memorial service next Wednesday. Then I suppose the reality will hit me that my life will be completely changed. Thanks for listening
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on July 06, 2006, 05:07:29 AM
brian - i feel with you. it's just undescribable how it feels to lose a loved one. then again, the suffering of your mother ended now and also you and your sister are free to live your own life again. i'm sure she didn't like being a burden.
i hope you will soon be able (or even are already) to celebrate the time you had with her instead of mourning her death.
my heart goes out to you.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: bbmbliss on July 06, 2006, 09:35:37 AM
Brian - I'm so sorry for your loss. 

No matter how much a death is expected or how old the person is, it is still a very bitter experience.

My love to you and your sister.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nax on July 07, 2006, 07:00:30 AM

I'll catch your smile on someone's face
Your whisper in the wind's embrace
Through diamond stars and songs and dreams
I find your love in everything

The sun, the sky, the rolling sea
All conspire to comfort me
From sorrow's edge life's beauty seems
To find your love in everything

I've come to trust the hope it brings
To find your love in everything
Even as I fall apart,
Even through my shattered heart

I'll catch your smile on someone's face
.....amazing grace

(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi32.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fd36%2Fcubanita_traviesa%2Fth_rose.gif&hash=241a1bbed453bfccbfdb056d387c5dcf)
Amazing Grace
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: babysany on July 07, 2006, 10:51:33 AM
So sorry, my heart is with you brianr.  As bbmbliss stated, we are never really prepared.  I pray you and your family find strength and comfort in the coming months.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on July 07, 2006, 02:36:59 PM
Oh Brian,sweetie....

I am so so sorry for your pain. I know what it's like to watch someone you love so much go thru this slow process and knowing that the time was near made it so much harder. She lived a good life. You and your sister will now be blessed with her memories and her guidance. She will now look down on you two and keep you safe. This is how I look at it and this is the only way that it has helped comfort me. Knowing that their soul is near you to comfort you.

God bless you and your sister,
Please know that you are in my prayers,

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: brian on July 07, 2006, 04:36:01 PM

I'll catch your smile on someone's face

Thank you so much for this Nax. People are telling us how they always remember Mum smiling even from her wheelchair. She never complained and always thanked my sister and me for the smallest task we did for her.
Thank you also to desertrat, bbmbliss, babysany, mcnell1120 and the others who I know are thinking of me. I am copying your messages for my sister who thinks my Brokeback obsession is a bit extreme although she found the movie extremely sad. She has always been the practical one while I am the dreamer. I feel my membership of this Forum is now double blessed. Unfortunately my closest mate is travelling in Europe with his wife (he has sent an email) and my other closest friend is away in the country looking after her mother-in-law and did warn me that it would be hard for her to come home early.
Brian
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nax on July 08, 2006, 10:21:58 AM

I'll catch your smile on someone's face

Thank you so much for this Nax. People are telling us how they always remember Mum smiling even from her wheelchair. She never complained and always thanked my sister and me for the smallest task we did for her.
Thank you also to desertrat, bbmbliss, babysany, mcnell1120 and the others who I know are thinking of me. I am copying your messages for my sister who thinks my Brokeback obsession is a bit extreme although she found the movie extremely sad. She has always been the practical one while I am the dreamer. I feel my membership of this Forum is now double blessed. Unfortunately my closest mate is travelling in Europe with his wife (he has sent an email) and my other closest friend is away in the country looking after her mother-in-law and did warn me that it would be hard for her to come home early.
Brian

It's there for my Mum too!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Tigs on July 10, 2006, 11:22:34 PM
Brian

My thoughts are with you and your family

Sal      ;D
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: stookslady on July 11, 2006, 10:21:01 PM

I'll catch your smile on someone's face
Your whisper in the wind's embrace
Through diamond stars and songs and dreams
I find your love in everything

The sun, the sky, the rolling sea
All conspire to comfort me
From sorrow's edge life's beauty seems
To find your love in everything

I've come to trust the hope it brings
To find your love in everything
Even as I fall apart,
Even through my shattered heart

I'll catch your smile on someone's face
.....amazing grace

(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi32.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fd36%2Fcubanita_traviesa%2Fth_rose.gif&hash=241a1bbed453bfccbfdb056d387c5dcf)
Amazing Grace

Just beautiful...thank you Nax.
I lost a friend this week. Her name was Karen. She was the best friend of another long time friend, Melany. She was one of several (including myself & my spouse) that shared the title of godmother to Melany's daughter.

We'd known each other for at least 12 years, and I had more difficulty with the loss than I thought I would. She died very suddenly after suffering a massive heart attack while at work. She was only 35 years old. Karen was a peace loving woman, articulate, intelligent, well-read, well-traveled, and had a beautifully dry sense of humor. Unfortunately, she was also a workaholic, and never had less than two jobs.

I'd have loved to have been able to view BBM with her. I think she would have enjoyed it greatly if she'd ever found the time.

Anyway, I was allowed to choose the poem that we added to her obit below her picture. The the one I found seemed to be written especially for her...and in hindsight, it could have been from Ennis to Jack as well:[/color]

I cannot think you're not alive somewhere.
I think of you just as I did before.
No sudden gust of wind has closed the door
Or made your presence vanish in thin air.
I write you this because I know you're there;
That even after death there must be more.
So does faith one's inner sun restore
After bitter darkness few can bear.
My mind and heart have not yet lost a friend
Even though my senses are bereft,
For you remain the witness of my soul.
No mere accident our love can end
So long as I have will and memory left,
And you lie silent on some unknown shoal. ~ Anonymous
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Elevation on July 15, 2006, 05:22:28 AM
I have noted this thread as I knew it would not be long before I became a member.
...
I have rung my mother nearly every night for the 32 years since my father died but she made her last visit to my home at Christmas and we knew that would be the last. My house is in the mountains where her breathing became worse and has too many steps for her wheelchair. Now we have the task of arranging the services, a private cremation on Monday and a memorial service next Wednesday. Then I suppose the reality will hit me that my life will be completely changed. Thanks for listening
Brian, I'm so sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing. I hope you got through these days feeling the services went as you all had hoped, as hard as it is in times like that.   

...actually, just pressing the quoting button made me teary eyed. Your first sentence. I couldn't have said it better myself...
 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Dal on July 15, 2006, 09:59:28 AM
Little brother little brother.  I can't say your name.  30 years now.  Why did you have to go?   It was so hard for you.  I wish I could have made it warmer for you here, I hope you are not cold.  The people who knew you are dying off now.  Why did I start to remember you so much again, every day?  Every single  day.   Is it because, if I do not, then no one will?  Then you would just disappear without a trace wouldn't you.  Like you were never born, never breathed the air.   Don't worry little bro, I won't let that happen.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on July 15, 2006, 10:07:03 AM
Little brother little brother.  I can't say your name.  30 years now.  Why did you have to go?   It was so hard for you.  I wish I could have made it warmer for you here, I hope you are not cold.  The people who knew you are dying off now.  Why did I start to remember you so much again, every day?  Every single  day.   Is it because, if I do not, then no one will?  Then you would just disappear without a trace wouldn't you.  Like you were never born, never breathed the air.   Don't worry little bro, I won't let that happen.

(((((((((((((( HUGS ))))))))))))))))))

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Elevation on July 15, 2006, 12:12:40 PM

We'd known each other for at least 12 years, and I had more difficulty with the loss than I thought I would. She died very suddenly after suffering a massive heart attack while at work. She was only 35 years old. Karen was a peace loving woman, articulate, intelligent, well-read, well-traveled, and had a beautifully dry sense of humor. Unfortunately, she was also a workaholic, and never had less than two jobs.

I'd have loved to have been able to view BBM with her. I think she would have enjoyed it greatly if she'd ever found the time.

Anyway, I was allowed to choose the poem that we added to her obit below her picture. The the one I found seemed to be written especially for her...and in hindsight, it could have been from Ennis to Jack as well:[/color]

I cannot think you're not alive somewhere.
I think of you just as I did before.
No sudden gust of wind has closed the door
Or made your presence vanish in thin air.
I write you this because I know you're there;
That even after death there must be more.
So does faith one's inner sun restore
After bitter darkness few can bear.
My mind and heart have not yet lost a friend
Even though my senses are bereft,
For you remain the witness of my soul.
No mere accident our love can end
So long as I have will and memory left,
And you lie silent on some unknown shoal. ~ Anonymous

I'm sorry for you losing your friend at such a young age.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Dal on July 15, 2006, 01:33:48 PM
(((((((((((((( HUGS ))))))))))))))))))

Nellie
Thanks Nellie.  Right back at you.  I'm off to see my aunt tomorrow;  she seems to be in fairly good shape but her generation of the family is dropping like flies it seems.  What's left of them anyway!  I know you know what I mean.  My mother also still seems OK-ish, but is looking a bit transparent and hesitant, if that makes sense.  Not at all like herself.  I'm already dreading missing them, and they're not even dead yet!   Guess I need to quit looking for something to worry about. 

They are the last people who knew my little brother when he was a happy little kid, other than me.  My grandmother who used to tend his grave on the "lonely prairie" is long gone.  Pretty soon, I will be the only one who can remember that little kid.  I have no idea why it seems important to me that somebody remember him.  Everybody gets forgotten, right? Everybody.   I guess he's extra important, for me, just because he made so little mark.  Well I guess this is not making any sense so I'll get packing and see y'all when I get back!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on July 16, 2006, 01:47:25 PM
(((((((((((((( HUGS ))))))))))))))))))

Nellie
Thanks Nellie.  Right back at you.  I'm off to see my aunt tomorrow;  she seems to be in fairly good shape but her generation of the family is dropping like flies it seems.  What's left of them anyway!  I know you know what I mean.  My mother also still seems OK-ish, but is looking a bit transparent and hesitant, if that makes sense.  Not at all like herself.  I'm already dreading missing them, and they're not even dead yet!   Guess I need to quit looking for something to worry about.

They are the last people who knew my little brother when he was a happy little kid, other than me.  My grandmother who used to tend his grave on the "lonely prairie" is long gone.  Pretty soon, I will be the only one who can remember that little kid.  I have no idea why it seems important to me that somebody remember him.  Everybody gets forgotten, right? Everybody.   I guess he's extra important, for me, just because he made so little mark.  Well I guess this is not making any sense so I'll get packing and see y'all when I get back!

Oh but you are making sense, my brother, you are. I often feel that way about my first born child I had lost. No one mentions her name,everyone pretends it never happened. My children will talk about it mostly,because I refuse to hide it from them. They have to know there was a big sister before them and that she is watching and protecting them. It did surprise me one day when I was looking at pictures of one of my sisters had taken..she meant to pull some pictures out before letting me see...it was a picture of my daughters tomb stone with fresh flowers laid there.....I pretended to not notice but her face told me she knew...guess they didn't want me to feel bad,but what she didn't know,and I guess I should of told her,but didn't....is that It made me so happy to know that in fact they didn't forget her....

Your friend

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: bbmbliss on July 16, 2006, 02:43:51 PM
Oh but you are making sense, my brother, you are. I often feel that way about my first born child I had lost. No one mentions her name,everyone pretends it never happened. My children will talk about it mostly,because I refuse to hide it from them. They have to know there was a big sister before them and that she is watching and protecting them. It did surprise me one day when I was looking at pictures of one of my sisters had taken..she meant to pull some pictures out before letting me see...it was a picture of my daughters tomb stone with fresh flowers laid there.....I pretended to not notice but her face told me she knew...guess they didn't want me to feel bad,but what she didn't know,and I guess I should of told her,but didn't....is that It made me so happy to know that in fact they didn't forget her....

Your friend

Nellie

Do they KNOW that you want to talk about her?  Because I'm sure they think about her a lot - I know I would.

Maybe they think that they will upset you if they mention it - not realising that it is more upsetting to pretend that she never was...??

Hugs
Blissx
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: brian on July 16, 2006, 03:12:03 PM
Oh but you are making sense, my brother, you are. I often feel that way about my first born child I had lost. No one mentions her name,everyone pretends it never happened. My children will talk about it mostly,because I refuse to hide it from them. They have to know there was a big sister before them and that she is watching and protecting them. It did surprise me one day when I was looking at pictures of one of my sisters had taken..she meant to pull some pictures out before letting me see...it was a picture of my daughters tomb stone with fresh flowers laid there.....I pretended to not notice but her face told me she knew...guess they didn't want me to feel bad,but what she didn't know,and I guess I should of told her,but didn't....is that It made me so happy to know that in fact they didn't forget her....

Your friend

Nellie

Do they KNOW that you want to talk about her?  Because I'm sure they think about her a lot - I know I would.

Maybe they think that they will upset you if they mention it - not realising that it is more upsetting to pretend that she never was...??

Hugs
Blissx
Oh please talk about her with your family. My mother,  who has just died, had a first daughter who died at birth. I found out when I was 50 and had to obtain a full birth certificate for a new passport (previously a summary sufficed) It was quite a shock. My older sister knew but told me never to talk about it with Mum and she also asked me not to mention the sister in my eulogy to Mum last week. I know it happened in the 30's when things were different but I feel so sad that it was covered up.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: bbmbliss on July 16, 2006, 03:19:01 PM
Oh please talk about her with your family. My mother,  who has just died, had a first daughter who died at birth. I found out when I was 50 and had to obtain a full birth certificate for a new passport (previously a summary sufficed) It was quite a shock. My older sister knew but told me never to talk about it with Mum and she also asked me not to mention the sister in my eulogy to Mum last week. I know it happened in the 30's when things were different but I feel so sad that it was covered up.

It is SO sad.  I loved my two boys from the moment I heard their little hearts going pitpitpit on the ultrasound - let alone how I felt once they were wriggling about... 

It must be such a huge and never-ending loss - and to never be able to talk about it must be a torture.... :(
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Cameron816 on July 17, 2006, 09:05:47 PM
I have noted this thread as I knew it would not be long before I became a member. I have been reporting regularly to the G'day thread and the Christians who love Brokeback thread. My mother (1 month short of 97) has been slowly dying with pulmonary fibrosis for over 2 years and this morning she passed away at 9.10am Australian time. I have been staying with her for the past week and sharing with my sister the task of caring for her every need. She stopped being able to swallow on Tuesday morning and we learnt how to give her morphine injections every 4 hours. Yesterday morning she said her last word which was "together' as my sister and I stood by her side and stroked her arm and neck. I wanted her to go and end her suffering but was fearful of it occurring during the night although I got up nearly every hour to check on her.  Yesterday we played CDs of hymns all day - she always loved hymns but it was very hard as she just stared at us and we had no way of telling if she understood what we were saying to her. This morning 2 community nurses came to wash her and while there she breathed her last. They were able to take care of the necessities - perhaps she knew this was the best time  for her to go to make it easier for us. My sister is feeling it more than me as she has lived with her for 6 years and caring for her over the past 2 years has filled her whole life. I have gone down 3 days per week for the past 6 months to give my sister a break and I have rung my mother nearly every night for the 32 years since my father died but she made her last visit to my home at Christmas and we knew that would be the last. My house is in the mountains where her breathing became worse and has too many steps for her wheelchair. Now we have the task of arranging the services, a private cremation on Monday and a memorial service next Wednesday. Then I suppose the reality will hit me that my life will be completely changed. Thanks for listening
Brian,
I have been back to this form several times and all I can do is just weep for your Mum and what she stood for in your family.  It seems the words cannot come out of me to express my sorrow for you and your sister.  I visited your tribute honoring your Mum on your blog: http://brianaralph.blogspot.com/ .  I am far away, but my heart is near and I'm striving to reach out to hold and comfort.   I extend my thoughts and prayers to all of your family. May your mother's blessings, rich with her memories, always be with you and your sister.
-Cam
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: brian on July 18, 2006, 12:49:02 AM
Brian,
I have been back to this form several times and all I can do is just weep for your Mum and what she stood for in your family.  It seems the words cannot come out of me to express my sorrow for you and your sister.  I visited your tribute honoring your Mum on your blog: http://brianaralph.blogspot.com/ .  I am far away, but my heart is near and I'm striving to reach out to hold and comfort.   I extend my thoughts and prayers to all of your family. May your mother's blessings, rich with her memories, always be with you and your sister.
-Cam

Thanks so much Cam. As so many have said, Mum is now at peace and her suffering is over. We just miss her so much. The services are over and now comes the legalities, probate notice in today's paper and we have to dispose of her assets. I now have more free time in which at the moment I feel a little lost and I can plan to travel again and probably move to a new house away from Sydney possibly even to NZ.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Elevation on July 19, 2006, 06:19:09 PM
^take care of you, Brian... Planning for a trip/move later could be healthy "distraction" during the process. I wish you luck.

---------------------------------
about the ones I mourn now:

...
I've missed you for so long
I can't believe you're gone
You still live in me
I feel you in the wind
...
I'm glad he set you free from sorrow
I'll still love you more tomorrow
And you will be here with me still


(In Loving Memory - Alter Bridge)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: bbmbliss on July 20, 2006, 12:17:05 AM
^take care of you, Brian... Planning for a trip/move later could be healthy "distraction" during the process. I wish you luck.

---------------------------------
about the ones I mourn now:

...
I've missed you for so long
I can't believe you're gone
You still live in me
I feel you in the wind
...
I'm glad he set you free from sorrow
I'll still love you more tomorrow
And you will be here with me still


(In Loving Memory - Alter Bridge)


Sweetheart  :'(
 
:-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Elevation on July 24, 2006, 04:24:46 PM
Thankyou so much, friend.

===
The past few weeks have been... somewhat imploding, I guess one could say. Filled with sad and angry thoughts on grief, new and old, and what the persons missing mean to me. I know I could have written it all down in here, but words have failed me.
All I can say about the grief is that it makes your whole system want to take a serious break. If you don't let the shock run its course w your body - protect it from the greiving stress in its own time - it will simply linger on until next chance. So I'll let grief have it's way with me this time, but that doesn't mean I can't laugh. Lighthearted distractions - like the Diner, the Photo Caps and the Eyelash threads for instance, serve a terrific purpose in that department!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on July 24, 2006, 04:48:38 PM
Yes Elvan, I understand all too well amigo........why do you think I'm in the Diner all the time?.....I visit the serious threads too, but the Diner and the other fun one's are what keeps me sane...I too have periods where I don't feel like laughing...I may log off this forum for a while or post very little. It passes,but you must allow your mind and soul to grieve when you see fit...aahhh, it's hard sweetheart...I'll sit with you and we can keep each other company...HUGS

Nellie  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Elevation on July 24, 2006, 05:19:45 PM
Thankyou so much (((Nellie!))), very sweet of you. Really appreciate that you mention the thing about the Diner... I understand. That's why I'm trying to head on in there as well even though it's too seldom, but I know it's a good thing to show up even so. You and so many people in there and all over this forum make me smile and that's great.


 





Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on July 24, 2006, 05:28:36 PM
Thankyou so much (((Nellie!))), very sweet of you. Really appreciate that you mention the thing about the Diner... I understand. That's why I'm trying to head on in there as well even though it's too seldom, but I know it's a good thing to show up even so. You and so many people in there and all over this forum make me smile and that's great.



Hugs to you sweetie...

I encourage all who are lurking to try joking once in awhile. It doesn't matter that you're not a regular at the Diner or that it moves so fast....poke you head in and watch how people devour you with kindness....we are a silly bunch...:)

Glad it helps Elvan....this place is just so wonderful..

Nellie :)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: brian on July 25, 2006, 12:19:59 AM
about the ones I mourn now:

...
I've missed you for so long
I can't believe you're gone
You still live in me
I feel you in the wind
...
I'm glad he set you free from sorrow
I'll still love you more tomorrow
And you will be here with me still


(In Loving Memory - Alter Bridge)

This is beautiful Elvan. I have just had coffee with a lady in my literature group. She must be in her 70's and her eyes filled with tears as she told me her mother died when she was 34 but she still misses being able to talk to her.  For me it is not yet 3 weeks.  I guess this is part of being human.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on July 25, 2006, 06:10:10 AM
[size=05pt](https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi88.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fk169%2F32sarah%2Ftheworldtome.jpg&hash=1faa06f62f7c4c5f2aeeabf775c584e4)[/size]
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nax on July 26, 2006, 06:42:46 AM
The one we love has flown

and into every flower grown

and we must be keepers of the garden.
[/size][/i]

(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi62.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fh95%2Fnaxman_photos%2Fstuff%2FVistaGarden.jpg&hash=d75578036519e77e8409b222ffaed827)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Elevation on July 26, 2006, 12:51:37 PM
Hugs to you sweetie...

I encourage all who are lurking to try joking once in awhile. It doesn't matter that you're not a regular at the Diner or that it moves so fast....poke you head in and watch how people devour you with kindness....we are a silly bunch...:)

Glad it helps Elvan....this place is just so wonderful..

Nellie :)

Thank you Nellie, very true. And thanks for the beautiful picture above as well. ((((N))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Elevation on July 26, 2006, 12:57:55 PM
I have just had coffee with a lady in my literature group. She must be in her 70's and her eyes filled with tears as she told me her mother died when she was 34 but she still misses being able to talk to her.  For me it is not yet 3 weeks.  I guess this is part of being human.
Yes.
... maybe also because grief has many levels that can be reached only one at a time...... some of them perhaps not until behind a safe barrier made up of enough time passed.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: dejavu on August 11, 2006, 07:19:42 PM
This has been an amazing thread to read.  I just happened in here today and have been blown away by all of your stories.  It is so hard dealing with the loss of someone dear.  I know that's one part (just one part, but a significant part) of why BBM affected me so -- the unexpected loss of Jack brought back the losses in my own life. 

It's been eight years ago to the week since my father died very unexpectedly of lymphoma, cancer.  For one thing, my mother had had more health problems so I would not have been as surprised if she had gotten sick first, and I honestly think my father expected to outlive her.  (He talked about coming to visit me for a long time some time in the future, which he couldn't have done while she needed him around the house.)  Also, I'd made a pledge to try to get back in touch more with my father and work out some of the difficulties in our relationship, and we were still working on that.  It threw me totally into depression when he died so fast, but at least I made two trips out to where he lived to spend part of his last three months with him and my mom.  But still, the overwhelming feeling was one of regret.  Just like Ennis with the shirts:  too little love expressed, and now it was too late.

I'm feeling much better by now, these eight years after, and have been able to step in to take care of my mom the way my dad used to.  So that has been a blessing, having that opportunity with her, and the wisdom to know that you have to take the time now, while there still is time left. 

I know what you mean, too, about not completely wanting to give up mourning because then it's like you're forgetting the person: my dad actually died on August 9, but I didn't think about the anniversary until August 11, nor did my mom mention it.  It does get easier to deal with anniversaries and such, and you don't mourn after a while, but neither will you ever forget.

I'm sorry to hear about the sorrows of everyone who has posted here, but it helps so much to share.  You've already hugged and wished each other well; let me just add some big hugs of my own for everyone.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: brian on August 18, 2006, 04:54:48 PM
My mother was a keen gardener and it was passed on to me although not until I was nearly 40 and moved to a house on an acre up in the mountains west of Sydney. At first she (having moved into an apartment) loved to spend time up here pruning and giving me advice. In later years she could just be taken on a walk around to see the flowers and this year I have been cutting flowers to take to her several times per week as she could no longer come up here and visit. it was hard as she died in mid-winter (here in Australia) and all I could find were 2 early flowering azaleas and a camellia sasanqua to put on her coffin. Now Spring is in the air, the jonquils and daffodils are out, the blossoms are beginning to appear and instead of making me happy, I am crying as I want to cut them and take them down to her and I can't.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: jack on August 18, 2006, 07:19:55 PM
at the request of the management...

Pete just put up a poll at http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=12326.0 so we can find out approximately how many books we need to have printed in the first run.

thank you...
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: dejavu on August 20, 2006, 12:01:32 PM
I am so sorry, brianr, about your mom.

Daffodils are so beautiful, but maybe instead of thinking of how you can't take them to her any more, you can just think that she is seeing them too from wherever she is, and you can think of her when you see them.  I know that's easier said than done.  But we put flowers on the gravesits hoping our loved ones will feel our presence and "see" the flowers.  More hugs to you.  I honestly don't know how I'll deal with it when the time inevitably comes that I lose my mom; it will be so tough.  Take it easy.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nick_F on August 20, 2006, 02:44:50 PM
The flower thing will be very tough for me too, when the time comes.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: jenjen on August 20, 2006, 03:39:43 PM
brianr, I am so sorry about your mom.  That must be so hard.  (((HUGS))) 

I don't know how I'll deal with my mom's passing either.  It will be very very difficult to deal with.  She is the nicest, kindest and warmest person I know, and the world will be far less bright without her. I'm tearing up just thinking about it.  I just hope that I'm Zen enough to handle it with an inkling of perspective and wisdom.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on August 21, 2006, 08:01:37 AM
My mother was a keen gardener and it was passed on to me although not until I was nearly 40 and moved to a house on an acre up in the mountains west of Sydney. At first she (having moved into an apartment) loved to spend time up here pruning and giving me advice. In later years she could just be taken on a walk around to see the flowers and this year I have been cutting flowers to take to her several times per week as she could no longer come up here and visit. it was hard as she died in mid-winter (here in Australia) and all I could find were 2 early flowering azaleas and a camellia sasanqua to put on her coffin. Now Spring is in the air, the jonquils and daffodils are out, the blossoms are beginning to appear and instead of making me happy, I am crying as I want to cut them and take them down to her and I can't.

Sweetheart...please know that is is so very normal....but soon she will comfort you and you will look forward to cutting them and placing them for display on your table...she will be smiling to you....with time...take care

Thinking of you

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on August 25, 2006, 05:40:34 AM
Reality is kicking in once again....my family is getting old...like no kidding(duh)

Got a call last night from sister...my aunt passed away in her sleep the night before. She lives in Puerto Rico and now my mom and dad can't be there. They are feeling their age and don't have the energy to go...how sad is that. My mom is now worried about her brother who is left alone in the emptiness and she knows he will soon follow. So this weekend is for comforting and supporting my mom....I had good memories of my aunt and uncle out there...last time I saw them was when I was 19...!!!!  WOW!!!!.....21 years ago...do your math...ha ha ha...my uncle would climb the coconut tress and with a machete,bring down the coconuts for us city kids to eat and drink from...he was in his 60's and still climbing trees....aahhh,I can taste the fresh coconut flesh and drink its cool drink....my aunt would make the best strong ass coffee..with goatsmilk or condensed milk...ahhh,so tasty....I miss that.

Anyway...I need to visit my island..miss it terribly. Want to take my gringo husband and my kids there....one day soon.

Thanks for listening

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nick_F on August 25, 2006, 06:16:32 AM
Reality is kicking in once again....my family is getting old...like no kidding(duh)

Got a call last night from sister...my aunt passed away in her sleep the night before. She lives in Puerto Rico and now my mom and dad can't be there. They are feeling their age and don't have the energy to go...how sad is that. My mom is now worried about her brother who is left alone in the emptiness and she knows he will soon follow. So this weekend is for comforting and supporting my mom....I had good memories of my aunt and uncle out there...last time I saw them was when I was 19...!!!!  WOW!!!!.....21 years ago...do your math...ha ha ha...my uncle would climb the coconut tress and with a machete,bring down the coconuts for us city kids to eat and drink from...he was in his 60's and still climbing trees....aahhh,I can taste the fresh coconut flesh and drink its cool drink....my aunt would make the best strong ass coffee..with goatsmilk or condensed milk...ahhh,so tasty....I miss that.

Anyway...I need to visit my island..miss it terribly. Want to take my gringo husband and my kids there....one day soon.

Thanks for listening

Nellie

Nell, hugging you....

Sometimes doing stuff is more important than the money it costs to do them, i know that is often easier said than done. There is a saying "Where there is a will there is a way". Perhaps a visit to Puerto Rico, maybe a fantastic thing to plan for. I assume you could stay with family/friends while there, so maybe it needn't cost so much. Charging your batteries is sometimes a very necessary thing

Just a thought :)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on August 25, 2006, 06:56:39 AM

Nell, hugging you....

Sometimes doing stuff is more important than the money it costs to do them, i know that is often easier said than done. There is a saying "Where there is a will there is a way". Perhaps a visit to Puerto Rico, maybe a fantastic thing to plan for. I assume you could stay with family/friends while there, so maybe it needn't cost so much. Charging your batteries is sometimes a very necessary thing

Just a thought :)

Thank you sweetheart,

That is what I was thinking...a trip there would be fantastic...but I couldn't stay with family...half of them I don't even know anymore...you need a car to get around...roads are tiny and I'll end up killing myself or a cow or a horse...ha ha ha....plus, they're all crazy ass PR's...gossip city..

The best thing would be to stay where the tourists go and enjoy the island that way...it will be costly...something I surely have to plan and save for,hopefully before the kids reach college age.. ::) ::)

Thanks for the hugs Nikko,

I love ya,

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on August 30, 2006, 03:10:32 PM
My Friends,

Two years ago today, my beloved, Scott passed away.

A few days later I was meeting with his best friend and she handed me a piece of paper that Scott had given her a few years earlier.

On that paper was a verse that was read at Princess Diana's Funeral.

Scott was fascinated by Di's life and death, so I thought it would be fitting to use that verse on his Memorial Bulletin for the Service.

On the one year anniversary of his death, I place a Memorial in the local paper and used that verse again.

It goes:



Time is too slow for those that wait.

Too swift for those who fear.

Too long for those that grieve.

But for those who love, time is eternity.



This year, I decided to use something different for his Memorial. The impact that BBM and this Forum has had on my life, lead me to place the following in the paper today:



Scott Naugler

August 30, 2004

Tell you what... truth
is sometimes I miss
you so bad I can
hardly stand it...

Dan and Chelsea



I could think of nothing more fitting to express how I feel this day.

And nothing more fitting than to share this with all of you here.



Dan

Oh, and Chelsea is our dog.

 
 
 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on August 30, 2006, 03:39:13 PM
Jesus Dan..... :'( :'(

You broke my heart...God,do I feel for you sweetheart...I'm sorry.....That's so great for doing that and that sure helps,doesn't it...

I loved what you had them print,it says it all....big HUGS to you hon and you take care

Love ya,

Nellie  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: brian on August 30, 2006, 03:54:01 PM
Hugs to you Dan and also to Chelsea  :)

Brian
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nick_F on August 30, 2006, 04:38:26 PM
Dan, big hugs my friend...

Nick

xx
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on August 30, 2006, 05:27:17 PM

I loved what you had them print,it says it all....big HUGS to you hon and you take care

Love ya,

Nellie  :-*

Nellie,

Thanks.

I always knew that you were one of the pillars of this community, and your response today confirmed that.

love you back,

Dan

And I hope one day to meet you in person!!!!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on August 30, 2006, 05:28:33 PM
And to Brian and Nick.....



Hugs back



Dan (and Chelsea, too!!)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on August 30, 2006, 07:55:43 PM
Dan,

You may remember a tad bit of my story. My mother died just 22 days before your Scott. Grieving threw me to places I never, ever thought existed. I was beginning to think I'd never find myself in a place of peace again. I have.

You sent me several books just before my Nicky arrived for his first visit last March. The topic of the books wove around acceptance of one's orientation and "coming out". They, along with some help of a handful, then, ultimately nearly all of my friends, have brought me to the place of self acceptance.

Ya know, it seems, pretty much, that I was the last to "know" of my orientation. Everyone suspected it. I, really, was the last one to accept it.

Thank you Dan, and you too, Scott, for helping me to find my way out of that dark closet, the air is clear out here!

Blessings to you on this sad anniversary, Dan. I hope, that like me, you are finding peace and comfort in your life...

A warm hug, with hopes that your mother is doing well,
Rob
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: jenjen on August 31, 2006, 05:10:47 AM
Dan,  I'm so sorry about Scott.  Your post made me cry.  I loved what you wrote for his memorial this year.  So beautiful and fitting.....

Here are some warm hugs, and thoughts, being sent your way.  (((DAN)))

-Jen
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on August 31, 2006, 11:22:34 AM

I loved what you had them print,it says it all....big HUGS to you hon and you take care

Love ya,

Nellie  :-*

Nellie,

Thanks.

I always knew that you were one of the pillars of this community, and your response today confirmed that.

love you back,

Dan

And I hope one day to meet you in person!!!!

OMG...I would love to meet you in person...you never know,maybe next year if we all get together again hon....God willing.

Thanks for your kinds words,it means a lot...

Love ya,

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on September 02, 2006, 02:15:53 PM
To all of you who sent kinds thoughts my way this past week, thanks so much.

Words can't fully tell you how much each of the messages meant to me and helped me through that day.

Dan

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ImEnnisShesJack on September 02, 2006, 02:25:52 PM
Hugs to you Dan. 

I won't say the words that you know I'm thinking.
In 9 days time, I have an anniversary of my own.
My heart grows heavy as the day approaches.
I will not handle this well.
I am glad i have Carol, my rock, with me now.

Heidi
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on September 02, 2006, 04:35:08 PM
Heidi,

Well, I'll start sending my hugs your way now, so that they help ease the pain, in advance. I've found that the days before are worse than the actual day - which you tend to be a bit prepared for.

Take care

Dan
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ImEnnisShesJack on September 03, 2006, 06:51:17 AM
Thanks Dan.

My mourning was kicked into high gear a little early - have found out that Martin600, one of our own forum members, passed away this past week.  It was sudden, sort of, and has thrown quite a few of us for a loop.

*sigh*

I wonder if there will be a mention of him in the Daily Sheet...
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Brokaholic on September 04, 2006, 02:36:41 AM
Thank goodness I found this thread. I was going to infest the entire boards with my grief.

Heidi, There was a beautiful tribute to Martin on the daily sheet. I sent his family the link. And both his cousin and his partner asked me to relay their thanks to everyone on this forum for their kind words. I think perhaps now they begin to see why Martin loved hanging out here so much.
Title: Why does God do this to us ?
Post by: Eclypto on September 07, 2006, 08:36:16 AM
I lost my partner about a month ago.  Right now is the worst, but I know it will get better.  I hate my life.  Why does God do this to us?  He was a good man, I am a good man - we were happy.  Now he's gone and I am cracked in half.  I will probably live for another 50 years -- without him.  What is the freaking point of doing this?  What did I - or any of us - do to deserve this unhappiness?  I know I will never have a love as good as his.  Why?
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on September 07, 2006, 08:58:29 AM
Eclypto,
i'm so sorry for you loss. i don't know what to say. and i most certainly don't have an answer to your question. i don't know what i would do if i lost my partner.

the only thing i know - and i can provide - i shoulder to cry on. don't you want to tell us a bit more about your partner ? how was he ? how did you meet each other ? unless it is too painful to talk. well, and of course you can pm me as well if you don't feel like talking "in public".

a big virtual hug to you !
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: All4one on September 07, 2006, 09:08:19 AM
Eclypto, I am sorry, too to know of your great loss. There are no words that can make this pain go away, or to answer those awful 'whys'.
But I would ask you what desertrat already has. Can you talk about him a little, to celebrate who he was with us?
 Wishing you strength...
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on September 07, 2006, 09:37:36 AM
Eclypto,

If you read some of my posts just last week on this thread, you'll see that I lost my Partner two years ago.

I'll PM you later (I'm at work right now). Or you can PM me to talk.

I might not be able to answer all your questions, but I think I can help (from experience).

Hugs

Dan
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on September 07, 2006, 04:12:44 PM
I lost my partner about a month ago. Right now is the worst, but I know it will get better. I hate my life. Why does God do this to us? He was a good man, I am a good man - we were happy. Now he's gone and I am cracked in half. I will probably live for another 50 years -- without him. What is the freaking point of doing this? What did I - or any of us - do to deserve this unhappiness? I know I will never have a love as good as his. Why?

I don't even know where to begin, but first and up most,welcome to our family and I can't tell you enough how glad I am that you found this place....and joined.

Eclypto, my heart goes out to you...I don't know why this bullshit happens to us...don't know why we must suffer and I often told myself,why does God allow this to happen?....after a few months I know things will seem a little better..I'm not going to lie to you. It never goes away. But it does get better because your grief will turn into memories....he still lives inside your soul...he's still there comforting you and when you cry,he's holding your hand. He's going to want you to live your life..he's not going to want you to feel terrible if later on you do meet someone else.....he wants you to live in his name,Eclypto.

Right now it's much to soon to think of the future...you take time to heal..and cry. Cry as often as you want and as loud as you must. Punch the pillows if you have to. Tell him out loud that you love him ,he can hear you and he will comfort you...

I'm so sorry hon...we're here for you..rain or shine.

Hugs

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ImEnnisShesJack on September 07, 2006, 04:16:08 PM
Thank goodness I found this thread. I was going to infest the entire boards with my grief.

Heidi, There was a beautiful tribute to Martin on the daily sheet. I sent his family the link. And both his cousin and his partner asked me to relay their thanks to everyone on this forum for their kind words. I think perhaps now they begin to see why Martin loved hanging out here so much.

Thanks Alice for being in contact with them and relaying our love and sympathy.
I still don't understand it.  It seems so pointless.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ImEnnisShesJack on September 07, 2006, 04:18:20 PM
Eclypto,

My deepest sympathies to you at your loss.  Anything I say will sound trite and/overused, but I mean it sincerely when I say that I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.  There is great support here if you need it.  You are most welcome and it is good to have you here.  I hope the coming months, by way of the forum, help you to come to closure on your sadness and give you the strength to move forward.

hugs,
Heidi
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: annabel on September 07, 2006, 04:52:08 PM
Eclypto; I am so sorry for your loss and anyone else whose has suffered great loss.  There really is nothing to say that will help.  Just surround yourself with people who you can lean on and cry as long as as hard as you need to.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Dal on September 07, 2006, 05:32:45 PM
Eclypto --

I am very sorry to hear about you losing your partner.  It's really fucked up sometimes, isn't it?  Completely unfair, just complete crap.  Makes no sense whatsoever. 

I know it's no comfort to you now, but you will feel a whole lot better after a while.  It may take longer than some of your friends expect, but whatever.  Anybody that has heard about that "stages of grief" thing, and thinks they know all about grief -- screw 'em if they stick their nose in and think they are helping.  Dreams may be tough at first, I don't know, but in the end they will be very helpful.  Good luck buddy and may the Force be with you.

Dal
Title: Thank you all
Post by: Eclypto on September 08, 2006, 11:15:51 AM
Hey, everyone.  Just wanted to say thank you for all your kind words.  I really shouldn't post anything when I'm in that depressive state.  Yesterday was a bad day, as you can tell.  All of your responses, however, were very helpful.  Of course I cried when I read them.  He was a great, big fun guy and I was looking forward to 20 more years with him.  He died suddenly, so it's all still raw.  I know God has a plan -- who knows what it is.  I'm just looking for positives now.  Thanks again for your shoulders.  It's awesome that people like you are willing to help a complete stranger.  I'm going to post his picture next time.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on September 08, 2006, 11:28:28 AM
Hey, everyone. Just wanted to say thank you for all your kind words. I really shouldn't post anything when I'm in that depressive state. Yesterday was a bad day, as you can tell. All of your responses, however, were very helpful. Of course I cried when I read them. He was a great, big fun guy and I was looking forward to 20 more years with him. He died suddenly, so it's all still raw. I know God has a plan -- who knows what it is. I'm just looking for positives now. Thanks again for your shoulders. It's awesome that people like you are willing to help a complete stranger. I'm going to post his picture next time.

You know, never think it's ever the wrong time to post. Yesterday I was having a real bad day...was going to quit my job ,felt so down and sad and posted in the Affected Me Thread...felt really stupid and even childish...by this morning I came in and found all the replies and many PM's...I was floored and overwhelmed with such kindness...

You need to feel comfortable to come in here any way you feel...be truthful ....sometimes that's actually a blessing because your true hurtful stuff all comes out and that's all part of the healing...

Hugs my friend,

Nellie  :-*
Title: Re: Thank you all
Post by: phrag3 on September 08, 2006, 03:50:11 PM
Hey, everyone.  Just wanted to say thank you for all your kind words.  I really shouldn't post anything when I'm in that depressive state.  Yesterday was a bad day, as you can tell.  All of your responses, however, were very helpful.  Of course I cried when I read them.  He was a great, big fun guy and I was looking forward to 20 more years with him.  He died suddenly, so it's all still raw.  I know God has a plan -- who knows what it is.  I'm just looking for positives now.  Thanks again for your shoulders.  It's awesome that people like you are willing to help a complete stranger.  I'm going to post his picture next time.

As Nellie said, there is never a right or wrong time to post here. You did the right thing to post and express your emotions.

You saw how many people responded to you. It's because we all care. That's the kind of place this is.

We look forward to hearing from you more as you continue your journey.

Remember, I've on a similar journey, just a few stations ahead....

Hugs

Dan
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: brian on September 08, 2006, 09:44:03 PM
Eclypto I just want to add my support to the words of others on this thread. I know how helpful people were when my mother died a few months ago now and I really let loose on this forum more than anywhere else. It gave me another reason to be thankful for having seen Brokeback and been led to this forum. Just send your feelings and thoughts here and know that the members are so accepting and kind.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nick_F on September 09, 2006, 08:32:39 AM
Eclypto

Big Hugs

N
xx
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nick_F on September 09, 2006, 08:34:02 AM
Brian

Hey there! How are things with you? Getting better I hope...

Nick
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: brian on September 09, 2006, 05:07:26 PM
Oh Dustbunny that is so sad. I do not know what to say except hugs to you and your friends. Sometimes it so hard to understand the evil that goes on in the world. I guess we just have to do our best to show a little light and love to those around us as your friends did for such a little time to the little girl.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: brian on September 09, 2006, 05:36:39 PM
Brian

Hey there! How are things with you? Getting better I hope...

Nick
Thanks Nick for your concern. Yes things slowly get better. A bit sad as my sister and I went through Mum's clippings, photos and diaries a few days a go and now her little apartment is up for sale. However the death of a 96 year old Mother while traumatic for me is part of the natural cycle of life and not to be compared with the awful death of that little girl related by Dustbunny.
Title: Re: Thank you all
Post by: All4one on September 11, 2006, 08:13:19 AM
  I'm going to post his picture next time.

Hi, Eclypto. Doin' okay...?
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: jakelikethat on September 11, 2006, 12:26:33 PM
hey.  this is for my dear friend, my brother, martin booker.  i love you, honey, and i'm SO mad at you for having the gall to die on me just as i was getting to count on you being there.  but i did ask if i could keep you for just a little while.... so i guess i got what i wanted.  je t'aime, cherie.  this song is for you.



Breaths

Listen more often to things than to beings
Listen more often to things than to beings
'Tis the Ancestor's breath when the fire's voice is heard
'Tis the Ancestor's breath in the voice of the water
Zah... whoshhh.... Ahh... whoshhh....

Those who have died have never never left
The dead are not under the earth
They are in the rustling trees
They are in the groaning woods
They are in the crying grass
They are in the moaning rocks
The dead are not under the earth

Listen more often to things than to beings
Listen more often to things than to beings
'Tis the Ancestor's breath when the fire's voice is heard
'Tis the Ancestor's breath in the voice of the water
Zah... whoshhh.... Ahh... whoshhh....

Those who have died have never never left
The dead have a pact with the living
They are in the woman's breast
They are in the wailing child
They are with us in the home
They are with us in the crowd
The dead have a pact with the living

Listen more often to things than to beings
Listen more often to things than to beings
'Tis the Ancestor's breath when the fire's voice is heard
'Tis the Ancestor's breath in the voice of the water
Zah... whoshhh.... Ahh... whoshhh...

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: jakelikethat on September 11, 2006, 12:28:53 PM
sorry for the double post.  just had to come on here and say something:

Martin, my brother:

so glad that i got to tell you i love you.  so glad that you said, you loved me too.  so sad to have lost you, oh so sad. 

mir'desh vond'r, my brother.  we will meet in the light of She who can never die. 

until we meet again, my brother, my friend, beloved of Isis.

blessings in Her, the Name above all Names, Isis the Great.

love, forever, dear friend.

a bientot... au revoir.




Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ImEnnisShesJack on September 11, 2006, 09:37:19 PM
Today is the 8th anniversary of my mother's passing.  She was taken suddenly due to an asthma attack at the age of 54.  I never got to say goodbye to her.  I am missing her horribly still.  Her death has shaken me to my very core and still effects me to this day.  I don't cry every day anymore, but probably 2-3 times a week.  Even eight years later I still feel this massive void in my life.  I miss her greatly.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on September 12, 2006, 03:31:12 AM
wow, heidi...losing my mother...that's something i can't even think about, it hurts too much. i know it will come up eventually but...she's the second most important person in my life....

big hugs to you ! may i lend a shoulder to cry on ?
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: annabel on September 12, 2006, 04:53:15 AM
Heidi, I'm so sorry for your loss.  I don't think, no matter how old you are, you are quite prepared to lose a parent.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on September 12, 2006, 05:01:51 AM
Today is the 8th anniversary of my mother's passing. She was taken suddenly due to an asthma attack at the age of 54. I never got to say goodbye to her. I am missing her horribly still. Her death has shaken me to my very core and still effects me to this day. I don't cry every day anymore, but probably 2-3 times a week. Even eight years later I still feel this massive void in my life. I miss her greatly.

UGH !!....Sister girl..I'm so sorry......it really hurts and bites when you have all this going thru your head. The hardest part is not having to say goodbye. But I'm a strong believer that you can still communicate with her,just because you won't hear her voice in response,doesn't mean she can't hear you. I'm sure you already talk to her,she's there honey and she has her arms around you. You go on and continue to cry....feeling mad is normal too.Don't feel guilty about nothing.

My mother-in-law 's 10th anniversary was in July. She wasn't even my mother but I so know how you feel in a way. I still mourn for her terribly ,still having unsaid words in my mouth is the worst feeling. You just can't help but feel that void.....it never goes away but it will get better hon, I swear.

(((HUGS)))

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on September 12, 2006, 07:14:03 AM
Heidi,

I started my hugs for you last week.

I posted the following on another thread yesterday, and thought part of it might be fitting here.

Dan

Maya Angelou said this: "I've learned that no matter what happens, or
how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better
tomorrow."
"I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she
handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled
Christmas tree lights."
"I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents,
you'll miss them when they're gone from your life."
"I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as "making a
life."
"I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance."
"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt
on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back."
"I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I
usually make the right decision."
"I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one."
"I've ! learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.
People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back."
"I've learned that I still have a lot to learn."
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget
what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
Title: The Future
Post by: Eclypto on September 12, 2006, 09:03:42 AM
Been reading the postings and, apparently, it is not going to get that much better.  Heidi lost her mom 8 years ago and it is still fresh for her.  I send you hugs, Heidi.  Most of the postings are similar -- it still hurts, it always will.  This is not encouraging.  Have any of us been happy since we lost our loved ones?  Will we ever be?  I certainly hope so, but from what I'm reading it doesn't seem like it's going to happen...  Does anyone have a success story ??
Title: Re: The Future
Post by: Ruby on September 12, 2006, 09:41:22 AM
Does anyone have a success story ??

mmm, I'm not sure I can give you a success story as such, but I think I've come to terms.  My dad died very suddenly 13 years ago.  He was 53, I was 25 and it hit us all very hard (my mum, and I have a brother and a sister).   I grieved hard for over a year.  I mean crying every night until my head hurt, though I could get through the days ok.  Gradually that was less and less frequent as time went on, although the strangest things could 'start me off'.    Now, my life is good, I have a fantastic husband, my siblings are married with chiildren, my mum has a man in her life but no-one will replace my dad for her I know.   

I'm not actually grieving anymore but I miss him.  A lot.  And it's not really the birthdays and Christmases anymore - it's the everyday things.  Stuff I want to ask him or tell him about or share with him.   But you just get on with your life regardless.

One thing I can't do is read the last few paras of BBM the short story  :)- Ennis dreaming of Jack just does for me.  I dream about my dad sometimes, but it's always nice.  In fact I never dream about my family without my dad being in the dream too.  He's still very much with us.  We talk about him and remember him and I know he's never very far from any of our thoughts. 

I guess the grief is still there, but it's under control, under the surface.  (trying hard not to cry now actually!) - but mostly it's kind of 'dormant'  I guess and I'm not aware of it.    When I was in the early stages of my grief, I didn't want to let it go because it was a way of hanging on to my dad - something terrible had happened and it seemed right that I felt terrible.  Eventually that feeling went away.

Life goes on and the people in our lives who have touched us and are important to us never really go away all together.  Just because we can't see them, it doesn't mean they aren't there, in our hearts, which is the best place for them.

Heidi, I'm thinking of you.

Eclypto, it's so early for you, still too raw.  You need to grieve before you think about moving on.  It's hard work though, I know, but it does get better

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Boris on September 12, 2006, 11:12:37 AM
Dear Eclypto

I can not and I will not say that I know what you're going through, because I don't. Lately I've had to go through major life threatening heath scares of loved ones and if my fears during that time are any indication of what might happen should I lose them, I can only imagine. And what I can imagine is that in your place I would be insane with pain. You asked about success stories. Like Ruby, I can't describe mine as those terms, but I can tell something about it in hope that I may provide some consolation or hope for the future.

When my mother died  suddenly, I was very young, in my late teens. For many reasons I wasn't able to grieve and feel nor express my pain and loss at that time. They came later but what I can honestly say is that I will never forget her and I will always miss her. But I miss her without immediate pain or sense of loss. Every year, on the day on 4th April, the day she died I go to church and light a commemorative candle in her memory. I will never forget her but when I remember her, there's no pain. There's some sorrow but also joy about who she was, what she taught me and the knowledge how much she loved me.

And, yes, I have been happy. But it took time. Eventually and in time your life will be better too. But you will never forget him, and there's part of you that will always miss him. But if you let yourself grieve, let yourself not to be strong all the time, you'll be able to live on. But now, when the loss is so horribly close, when the pain is everpresent it may impossible to believe that it would ever happen. But it will. And your always have his love and the memories of the life you shared. It is weal consolation, I know, but it is consolation nevertheless. You are entitled to be angry and bitter. What you're going through is devastatingly unfair and in my nightmares I can relate to that.

Hugs, friend. He'll live as long as you live in your heart.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on September 12, 2006, 12:00:23 PM
Dear Eclypto

 He'll live as long as you live in your heart.

Remember these words. They are the strongest and most succinct I've heard in a long time.

I, myself, will remember these words when ever I think of my dear Scott.

Thanks Jari,

Dan
Title: Re: The Future
Post by: Lola on September 12, 2006, 12:02:55 PM
Been reading the postings and, apparently, it is not going to get that much better.  Heidi lost her mom 8 years ago and it is still fresh for her.  I send you hugs, Heidi.  Most of the postings are similar -- it still hurts, it always will.  This is not encouraging.  Have any of us been happy since we lost our loved ones?  Will we ever be?  I certainly hope so, but from what I'm reading it doesn't seem like it's going to happen...  Does anyone have a success story ??

You never said how old your partner was?  Or how he died?  I think that has alot to do with the process.  My Mother passed away 3 years ago from cancer, she died young, but she died at 70.  She had many blessings in her life, a 50 year marriage (a very happy one) children and grandchildren (who she saw grown to adulthood)  So although I miss her every single day and I do (that will never change) I am happy for the life she lived and the blessings she received.  And even though she did get cancer, she didn't really suffer at all and for that I am also very grateful.   And I am grateful for the life she is now living in heaven.

I should add I am a very upbeat person, I look at the glass half full, my Mom was the same way and I know she would want me to enjoy what is left of my life and not be sad and only sad, day in and day out.  It is just not healthy and doesn't do anyone any good.
Title: Re: The Future
Post by: Eclypto on September 12, 2006, 01:29:21 PM
Lola -- his name was Vince, he just had his 49th birthday on July 29th.  We were packing up to go on vacation for his birthday the next week.  He was loading up the van when he had chest pains & then a massive heart attack.  He was gone within less than 10 minutes.  The EMT people couldn't do anything.  This all happened right in front of me.  I saw his last moments.  It flashes in my head almost every day.  That was August 2nd.  Tomorrow is my 41st birthday.  It won't be happy (for years, I assume), but I will try to focus on what a great guy he was, and what a big love we had.
Title: Re: The Future
Post by: Lola on September 12, 2006, 01:45:10 PM
Lola -- his name was Vince, he just had his 49th birthday on July 29th.  We were packing up to go on vacation for his birthday the next week.  He was loading up the van when he had chest pains & then a massive heart attack.  He was gone within less than 10 minutes.  The EMT people couldn't do anything.  This all happened right in front of me.  I saw his last moments.  It flashes in my head almost every day.  That was August 2nd.  Tomorrow is my 41st birthday.  It won't be happy (for years, I assume), but I will try to focus on what a great guy he was, and what a big love we had.

Oh I am so sorry to hear that, my husband is 49 and I fear in prime heart attack years!  That is just so sad  :'(  And to happen in front of you must have been horrible.

It will take time to heal, it really will, but yes just try to think of the good times. And get some help if you can, friends, family, your Doctor, Priest, Minister, this board, anyone you feel you can talk to, it will help.  ((((HUGS)))

Oh and I should add a month is not long, in fact I doubt I could even have spoke my Mom's name after a month.  It really did take a year for me to feel like I was going to be okay.  :-*
Title: Re: The Future
Post by: CellarDweller115 on September 12, 2006, 03:54:02 PM
Been reading the postings and, apparently, it is not going to get that much better.  Heidi lost her mom 8 years ago and it is still fresh for her.  I send you hugs, Heidi.  Most of the postings are similar -- it still hurts, it always will.  This is not encouraging.  Have any of us been happy since we lost our loved ones?  Will we ever be?  I certainly hope so, but from what I'm reading it doesn't seem like it's going to happen...  Does anyone have a success story ??


Eclypto,

I'm sorry for your loss, that (aside from losing a child) has got to be the most painful event to go through.

I've lost 3 of my grandparents withing the few years, and just recently, the mother of a dear friend, who I loved very much.

Does it get better?   Allow me to explain.  A friend of mine once told me that when someone close to you dies, you want to know when things get back to "normal".  They don't get normal.  What happens is that you get used to a new kind of "normal".

You will adapt to the changes of your life.  You will have happy times again.

When you think of your partner, think of the happy times you had with him.  Trips you took.  things you did to make him laugh.  What he did to make you laugh.  Never stop yourself from thinking of him.  He will always be in your mind and in your heart.  But he'll also make sure there is room in your heart for someone else.
Title: Re: The Future
Post by: Ruby on September 12, 2006, 04:01:28 PM

What happens is that you get used to a new kind of "normal".

You will adapt to the changes of your life.  You will have happy times again.


Yes, that's exactly it Chuck.  You may feel that things cannot and should not be 'normal' without the loved one around, hence the 'hanging on to the grief' feeling I had for a while.  Like you say, you do adapt and you do have happy times again. :)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on September 12, 2006, 04:04:09 PM
Eclypto, my heart goes out to you.  Please accept my deepest sympathies.  My father died 12 years ago from complications of Alzheimer's disease, and, due to that horrible disease, he had, in many ways, been gone for some time before that.  I have learned, since that time, to accept and respect the good things in him and relegate the not so good to the recesses that I don't need to visit any more.  The pain is still bad, sometimes, but now I think on the fun times, the joys we shared.

Your pain will be a long, agonizing time in diminishing.  And in some, perverse way, maybe it needs to be.  Sometimes, only pain can sooth the anger, give it another voice, so to speak, to remove it to another room in your heart, so that you can learn to concentrate on the future and remember your husband as you wish to.  As Boris says so well, so that your husband will live, in your heart, for as long as you do.

We are here to listen, friend, whenever you wish to speak.
Title: Re: The Future
Post by: phrag3 on September 12, 2006, 04:11:14 PM
[  But he'll also make sure there is room in your heart for someone else.

Although your words were directed to Eclypto, they are meaningful for all of us who have lost someone dear.

Thanks
Dan
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on September 13, 2006, 12:29:32 AM
dear eclypto,i`m so sorry for your loss. i hope all of us caring and thinking of you,helps a little bit.
i know the hard part is that only you can feel this apin for real.everyone else feels it in another way.he was your parther,love of your life and it must  feel like you`ve been cut into half.
it will take some time for you to become whole again.
i most realte to jari`s words: He'll live as long as you live in your heart. i so believe in this. he may be death but i believe they always kinda stay around us,his body is not here anymore,but his spirit for sure is(at least thats what i believe and feel)
((((hugs))) and take care
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: jenjen on September 13, 2006, 05:46:44 AM
Been reading the postings and, apparently, it is not going to get that much better.  Heidi lost her mom 8 years ago and it is still fresh for her.  I send you hugs, Heidi.  Most of the postings are similar -- it still hurts, it always will.  This is not encouraging.  Have any of us been happy since we lost our loved ones?  Will we ever be?  I certainly hope so, but from what I'm reading it doesn't seem like it's going to happen...  Does anyone have a success story ??

eclypto,

I'm so sorry about your loss. 

I read an excellent book on dealing with loss, and I'll include the title/author here just in case you may be interested in reading it:
"Seven Choices: Taking the Steps to New Life After Losing Someone You Love", by Elizabeth Harper Neeld 
She has many other books on grief that may be helpful to you as well.

Here are warm hugs for you, honey.    It will get better.  Your life will be different, but the pain of the grief, if it's dealt with in a heathy way, will subside.  Please PM me if you need to talk, okay?

(((HUGS)))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: jakelikethat on September 13, 2006, 10:52:58 AM
if anyone would like to chat about martin, please email me or pm me at MSN.  my email is now starving.writer@hotmail.com and that is my MSN (windows live) screen-name as well.  i am also on livejournal as fragiledestiny.

um....  sorry.  sorry to be fussy but... i really need to talk.  Really.  Need.  To.  Talk.

martin, tell you what... truth is... sometimes i miss you so much i can hardly stand it.





Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Lola on September 13, 2006, 02:14:00 PM
I didn't know Martin, but I am very sad to hear of his passing.  Did you see this:

http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=10958.1710
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on September 13, 2006, 02:40:39 PM
if anyone would like to chat about martin, please email me or pm me at MSN.  my email is now starving.writer@hotmail.com and that is my MSN (windows live) screen-name as well.  i am also on livejournal as fragiledestiny.

um....  sorry.  sorry to be fussy but... i really need to talk.  Really.  Need.  To.  Talk.

martin, tell you what... truth is... sometimes i miss you so much i can hardly stand it.

don't worry, you're not fussy. losing friends is always hard. i also miss martin though our paths only crossed occasionally.

we should be there for each other in our grief. you can of course simply pm me, if you prefer that but i would suggest, also to help all others who are grieving, why don't you tell us your favourite memories of martin ? it might be a good start to deal with things.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: jakelikethat on September 14, 2006, 09:05:05 AM
i would love to, lola, but this board is a little too public for that. 

would love to chat (privately) with anyone who is willing. 



Title: Re: The Future
Post by: phrag3 on September 18, 2006, 07:33:11 AM
Does anyone have a success story ??

Eclypto,

Perhaps success story isn't the correct term to use in this case, but I have a story to tell that is tied in with my recent posts here.

As you know, it has been two years since my Partner passed away.

A few days after the "anniversary date" I received a message from a fellow who was responding to my profile that I had posted on a Gay Dating Site (I know, I know, but there aren't a lot of options for an older guy in a smaller prairie city!)

But I had decided to put my profile up because since BBM, I've learned that we have to move forward with our lives, to take chances if you will.

So, we started emailing back and forth, then finally spoke on the phone, then met in person and we are now dating. All within two weeks.

We have connected on so many levels, but the main thing I wanted to mention here on this thread is the following...

We are both the same age and he also lost his Partner two years ago from a sudden heart attack. In fact our Partners died within a month of eachother. Both were younger than us and we had been together about the same amount of time.

It was scary to find out that we had such parallels in our lives, but the fact that we had this in common really drew us togther. We have talked openly about our Partners and our lives together. It doesn't threaten either of us. In fact, it's wonderful to share those memories with another who really understands what it's all about.

This is a story about moving forward. About taking chances.

I really believe in fate. That we were meant to meet at this time and place in our lives.

So - grieve your loss, mourn his passing, take care of yourself, take the time you need to do all of this......

But most of all - live. He would have wanted you to.



Dan


Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: All4one on September 18, 2006, 12:33:41 PM
Dan,
I am aware of you from your posts, and as much as my thoughts have been with you lately because of the anniversary date, they have also been with Eclypto, whose hurt is recent and raw.

Today I am happy for both of you - you for the good thing you are experiencing, and him, for the gift of your letter. You have 'walked the walk' before him, and I' feel certain there are others who read who also need the comfort and hope your words offer.



Title: Dan
Post by: Eclypto on September 20, 2006, 01:44:14 PM
Thank you, Dan, that was sweet -- and kind of a success story.  I wish you both well in the future.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on September 20, 2006, 06:42:57 PM
Eclypto....it's so nice to see you in here.....have you been in the Affected Me threads and have you gone to the Meet Your Neighbors threads to introduce yourself?...............try it?

Nellie  ;)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Dal on September 22, 2006, 09:51:40 AM
Looks like Ms Ossana has suffered her son's death at some point -- see today's daily sheet.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on September 22, 2006, 11:33:16 AM
Looks like Ms Ossana has suffered her son's death at some point -- see today's daily sheet.

I saw that...and nephew...hmmmm.... :-\...sad
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: brian on September 22, 2006, 03:13:29 PM
In case it would be helpful to anyone, I want to share this link to the sermon given by Rev. William Sloane Coffin after the death of his 24 year old son.

http://www.pbs.org/now/society/eulogy.html
Thanks for this. All4one.  I have copied and will need to read again but it is very helpful. Especially to those who say "How can God allow"
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: annabel on September 26, 2006, 04:29:13 AM
Dan, I have never lost a partner, so I can't say I really know how you feel, but the story you told a few posts back was just lovely.  It made me misty and gave me hope that when terrible things happen we can go on.  Thank you.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on September 27, 2006, 07:12:30 AM
I believe that the value of this thread is to show that life does go on, and that it does get better (without ever forgetting the one who has left).

I might not have felt this way a year ago, but I do now. And I know that one of the reasons I feel this way is the support I got here, and the opportunity that I had to help others, in whatever little way I could.

Dan
Title: Hope
Post by: Eclypto on September 28, 2006, 11:13:17 AM
Dan -- I agree.  This thread has helped -- you have helped.  Thanks for all your kind postings.  You all may have actually saved me some money on therapy.  It's still very tough -- it's kinda at the point where I'm going thru 1sts -- but it is better than it was even a week ago.  You all were right -- it did get better (slightly).  Day by day.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on September 28, 2006, 11:33:20 AM
Dan -- I agree. This thread has helped -- you have helped. Thanks for all your kind postings. You all may have actually saved me some money on therapy. It's still very tough -- it's kinda at the point where I'm going thru 1sts -- but it is better than it was even a week ago. You all were right -- it did get better (slightly). Day by day.

 ;D ;D ;D   ;) ;) ;)
Title: Re: Hope
Post by: phrag3 on September 28, 2006, 02:45:54 PM
Dan -- I agree.  This thread has helped -- you have helped.  Thanks for all your kind postings.  You all may have actually saved me some money on therapy.  It's still very tough -- it's kinda at the point where I'm going thru 1sts -- but it is better than it was even a week ago.  You all were right -- it did get better (slightly).  Day by day.

Eclypto,

I'm glad that my words have helped you, but please, take advantage of some counselling.

Trust me, I didn't get to this space alone. I saw my Psychologist off and on through out these two years and he helped me move through the pain and the loss. He was the one who told me that grieving was a process of digestion, and now I see what he meant.

He also helped me move on with my life and encouraged me to take chances.

But it also helps to talk with friends about everything and anything. I hope we here can help with that.

Hugs your way. I'm sure you can use some, today, as every day.

Dan

Title: Re: The Future
Post by: phrag3 on October 10, 2006, 07:20:37 PM
Does anyone have a success story ??

I really believe in fate. That we were meant to meet at this time and place in our lives.


Thought I would post an update.

Four weeks have past and we are still together.

One thing I did not mention in my earlier post is that my Boyfriend's name is Scott! That was my Partner's name as well. Perhaps one of the strangest coincidences of our relationship.

This weekend was Canadian Thanksgiving, so Scott met my Mother and some friends at dinner. It went very well.

This past week Scott told his late Partner's Sister that he was dating. I used to work with the Sister many years ago! Another coincidence. She told Scott that her Brother was intervening to have us get together!

This comment follows one made by his Sister-in-Law when she found out. She said that both of our Partners had met in Heaven and had decided that we should be together. I get chills!

Like I said, I believe in fate, or destiny. Things happen when they are meant to.

You just have to seize the moment and run with it.

I'm glad I did.

Dan



Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on October 10, 2006, 07:22:52 PM
listening to your story, dan, i can't help but also believe that this is destiny. good luck and a wonderful future for you ! keep us posted ! (and let us see a pic  ;))
Title: Re: The Future
Post by: conny on October 10, 2006, 07:28:04 PM


This comment follows one made by his Sister-in-Law when she found out. She said that both of our Partners had met in Heaven and had decided that we should be together. I get chills!

Like I said, I believe in fate, or destiny. Things happen when they are meant to.

You just have to seize the moment and run with it.

I'm glad I did.

Dan



chills here as well and i too believe in fate  :)
i`m so happy for you!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on October 10, 2006, 11:06:16 PM
Does anyone have a success story ??

I really believe in fate. That we were meant to meet at this time and place in our lives.


Thought I would post an update.

Four weeks have past and we are still together.

One thing I did not mention in my earlier post is that my Boyfriend's name is Scott! That was my Partner's name as well. Perhaps one of the strangest coincidences of our relationship.

This weekend was Canadian Thanksgiving, so Scott met my Mother and some friends at dinner. It went very well.

This past week Scott told his late Partner's Sister that he was dating. I used to work with the Sister many years ago! Another coincidence. She told Scott that her Brother was intervening to have us get together!

This comment follows one made by his Sister-in-Law when she found out. She said that both of our Partners had met in Heaven and had decided that we should be together. I get chills!

Like I said, I believe in fate, or destiny. Things happen when they are meant to.

You just have to seize the moment and run with it.

I'm glad I did.

Dan

This is beautiful.....and I believe in all that stuff...the spiritual world...how they look after you..

Dan...your post gave me this warmth inside and gave me a hugh lump in my throat...I'm so excited for you and Scott...I can't tell ya.

I want to give you a big big (((((((hug))))))))

Nellie   
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on October 10, 2006, 08:30:29 PM
Thanks for all of the warm wishes and HUGS!!!

I'm amazed that I find this Thread the place I want to spend my time in. Some of the others are just too controversial for me.

I've got enough controversy in my job, don't need it here.

And Nellie, don't leave. Just take a breather from time to time. I did and it was what I needed. To back away, then come back, maybe to a different place, but still back.

I think as we "grow" we just can't be in all places all the time. We need to be selective as to where we are most comfortable and where we get comfort. For me, this is one of those spots.

Hugs back to all of you, Desertrat, Conny and Nellie - my girls :) (Hope it's OK to call you that - it's said with affection, and lots of it!)

Dan
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on October 11, 2006, 05:08:56 AM
Awwww Dan....one of your girls...that's so sweet   :-[ :-* :-*

I'm glad you feel comfortable here...I have a couple spots as well,and you're right....I need to sit back and take a breather more often....I would do that but at times it wasn't enough....I'm working around it though....one day at a time. and yeah,we can't spread ourselves too thin....I'm realizing that now....

As always, you have such sweet comforting things to say....more (((hugs)))) to you friend

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nick_F on October 11, 2006, 05:12:10 AM
Hey Dan my friend,

thanks for the heart-warming update, my mother, before she became ill, was a spritualist healer and before that a part-time medium. (If that's possible LOL! but you know what I mean). I have lived with this kind of stuff for so long that it no longer surprises me.

I am pleased for you...

(put the girls down! Move away from the girls!   ;D)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on October 11, 2006, 05:22:52 AM

(put the girls down! Move away from the girls! ;D)

Hey hey.......you HUSH over there !!!  >:( ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on October 11, 2006, 05:55:19 AM


(put the girls down! Move away from the girls!   ;D)

hey you,watch it he  ;)

and Dan,am proud to be your girl,that is so sweet.i`m wishing you all the happiness in the world!!
(((hugs)))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on October 11, 2006, 08:28:11 AM
(put the girls down! Move away from the girls!   ;D)

grrrr !

love to be dan's girl  :D :D  :-* :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nick_F on October 11, 2006, 04:51:15 PM
Ooooh listen to you three!

Should I dare mention the words "Fag Hags"


****Runs swiftly as far from thread as possible******
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on October 11, 2006, 05:40:48 PM
Ooooh listen to you three!

Should I dare mention the words "Fag Hags"


****Runs swiftly as far from thread as possible******


They're not Fag Hags, their Fruit Flies.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on October 11, 2006, 08:39:01 PM
Now, Now.

They are wonderful, caring, compassionate WOMEN of the world.

And glad to call them my friends, even though I have not yet been blessed with meeting them in person.

Some day........
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: BayCityJohn on October 11, 2006, 10:22:40 PM
Today, October 12,  is the eight anniversary of Matthew Shepard's death.

Matthew Shepard Foundation:

http://www.matthewshepard.org

Matthew's Place:

http://www.matthewsplace.com/
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on October 12, 2006, 12:07:54 AM
Now, Now.

They are wonderful, caring, compassionate WOMEN of the world.

And glad to call them my friends, even though I have not yet been blessed with meeting them in person.

Some day........

see there`s a man who knows what he`s talking about!!
sure hope to meet you one day!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on October 12, 2006, 03:06:58 AM
Ooooh listen to you three!

Should I dare mention the words "Fag Hags"


****Runs swiftly as far from thread as possible******

you're just jealous, nick, because today, we're cuddling with dan instead of you !!

 :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on October 12, 2006, 03:27:09 AM
Today, October 12,  is the eight anniversary of Matthew Shepard's death.

Matthew Shepard Foundation:

http://www.matthewshepard.org

Matthew's Place:

http://www.matthewsplace.com/

 :'( :'( :'( :'(

i'm sorry, i don't have words for what i feel about the matthew shepard murder. matthew would have been 30 this year. he might have finished his studies...maybe he would have done something in politics, as he dreamed of....we'll never know what would have happend. a wonderful human being was taken away from us far too early for reasons i am not able to comprehend.

 :'( :'( :'( :'(
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on October 12, 2006, 05:06:39 AM
Ooooh listen to you three!

Should I dare mention the words "Fag Hags"


****Runs swiftly as far from thread as possible******

you're just jealous, nick, because today, we're cuddling with dan instead of you !!

 :-* :-* :-*

LMAO................. :P......................................................................................................and I ain't no HAG !!






bwahahaha
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on October 12, 2006, 05:27:20 AM
Ooooh listen to you three!

Should I dare mention the words "Fag Hags"


****Runs swiftly as far from thread as possible******

you're just jealous, nick, because today, we're cuddling with dan instead of you !!

 :-* :-* :-*

LMAO................. :P......................................................................................................and I ain't no HAG !!






bwahahaha

neither fag nor hag...starting to get an identity crises...who am i ?

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on October 12, 2006, 05:55:59 AM
Now, Now.

They are wonderful, caring, compassionate WOMEN of the world.

And glad to call them my friends, even though I have not yet been blessed with meeting them in person.

Some day........

You are absolutely correct.  and I use the term "Fruit Fly" with all due respect. 

In fact, on another board I moderate, I started a thread asking the ladies "Who wants to be a ChuckD (my screen name there) Fruit Fly.

That thread went on and on for days, and over 50 female posters showed up to nominate themselves as my "fruit flies".  On top of that, we all went to a softball game together, and one of the women showed up with a shrit she made on her computer.  a few cartoon flies on it, and in the center it said:

"I am an official ChuckD Fruit Fly".


 :D  :D  :D  :D
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on October 12, 2006, 06:00:50 AM
"I am an official ChuckD Fruit Fly".


 :D  :D  :D  :D

 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on October 12, 2006, 07:15:39 AM
and now that we've gone off topic, I'd like to bring it back.

Dan, I just wanted to say that I'm very happy for you.  I'm glad you were able to heal and find happiness again.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on October 12, 2006, 09:10:42 AM
and now that we've gone off topic, I'd like to bring it back.


where can we go on with this discussion ? because i just found this on wkipedia:

Quote
Fag hag is a slang term, which is either abusive or affectionate, for a woman who enjoys the company of gay men. Gay men and fag hags often share a very close friendship, generally closer than they have with other women or men. It is this close friendship that is the hallmark of the fag hag relationship.

Some would say that fag hags are pitied based on the assumption that their fascination with gay men lies in infatuation, which will most likely never be consummated. While this is occasionally true, most fag hag relationships contain no romantic feelings; indeed, some fag hags are lesbian.[citation needed]

This relationship, like most positive relationships, generally evolves out of shared interests and opinions. It offers heterosexual women an opportunity to participate in a gay community where arts, fashion, and literature are embraced and encouraged. The gay community also offers straight women a safe environment to party in relative freedom from unwanted sexual advances.

In interviews with gay men and self-described fag hags the most common theme is safety.[citation needed] A rich relationship can develop between a straight woman and a gay man without sexual tension. The fag hag relationship allows the participants to separate intimacy and sexuality.

being a naive little non-native english speaker, i only know the term "fag hag" in a rather negative context (that's what it is used for in german). looking it up in wikipedia i found out that it isn't supposed to be....


....and now i want to discuss it.  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on October 12, 2006, 09:24:23 AM
being a naive little non-native english speaker, i only know the term "fag hag" in a rather negative context (that's what it is used for in german). looking it up in wikipedia i found out that it isn't supposed to be....


....and now i want to discuss it.  ;D ;D

I think it would be fun to discuss this as well, but not here.  Bear with me, and i'll find the right place.

:)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: rnmina on October 12, 2006, 01:23:47 PM
God has blessed me again today. I was browsing...not posting much recently because I feel  not so good... came by here after leaving the lasher's thread and started reading.
 My mother died 2004, two years ago, Thanksgiving Eve. I am still devastated. Thanks for being here. I am troubled sometimes by what if questions.  She was chronically ill and by the time she died was not following many of her docs orders. She's a RN as am I,  but our family, friends  and her docs could not  make her behave. I'm not angry, just guilty...sometimes. I believe I had a mental break when she died,  but couldn't express it  totally until I began to grieve for Ennis and Jack. Last December 9, when I went to Lincoln Square to see BBM 12 months  after her memorial,  I  started crying in the movie  and continued to cry for months. I did  visit  a  shrink...started Effexor which has helped... though it makes me feel emotionless and had some counseling.
 I love you for being here.
 When I return I will read more of this thread from the beginning...that is  if the light of my life...my son, will relinquish this seat;)
much love to you all,
mina
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: rnmina on October 12, 2006, 01:30:47 PM
Today, October 12,  is the eight anniversary of Matthew Shepard's death.

Matthew Shepard Foundation:

http://www.matthewshepard.org

Matthew's Place:

http://www.matthewsplace.com/


 :'( :'( :'( :'(

i'm sorry, i don't have words for what i feel about the matthew shepard murder. matthew would have been 30 this year. he might have finished his studies...maybe he would have done something in politics, as he dreamed of....we'll never know what would have happend. a wonderful human being was taken away from us far too early for reasons i am not able to comprehend.

 :'( :'( :'( :'(

I have to mention this before I leave  because  murder has again been committed...This has to stop! A  gay man is brain dead here after being lured to a park in Brooklyn,  via the Internet to have sex.

 http://www.ny1.com/ny1/content/index.jsp?stid=1&aid=63390
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on October 12, 2006, 04:00:08 PM
God has blessed me again today. I was browsing...not posting much recently because I feel  not so good... came by here after leaving the lasher's thread and started reading.
 My mother died 2004, two years ago, Thanksgiving Eve. I am still devastated. Thanks for being here. I am troubled sometimes by what if questions.  She was chronically ill and by the time she died was not following many of her docs orders. She's a RN as am I,  but our family, friends and her docs could not make her behave. I'm not angry, just guilty...sometimes. I believe I had a mental break when she died, but couldn't express it totally until I began to grieve for Ennis and Jack. Last December 9, when I went to Lincoln Square to see BBM 12 months  after her memorial,  I started crying in the movie and continued to cry for months. I did  visit a  shrink...started Effexor which has helped... though it makes me feel emotionless and had some counseling.
 I love you for being here.
 When I return I will read more of this thread from the beginning...that is  if the light of my life...my son, will relinquish this seat;)
much love to you all,
mina

Mina,

I'm so glad you found this thread...by talking about it I hope it can help you. Please don't feel guilty but I understand it's human nature to feel this way...I've been thru that guilt feeling too. We'll talk some more.

Looking forward to chatting with you

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Casper on October 12, 2006, 04:52:37 PM
Regarding mourning someone who has died, do you think it is best to have the funeral or memorial services as soon as possible?

To me, I think promptness helps to alleviate that sick feeling in the pit of the somach -- the emptiness of losing someone you loved.  I know others have different opinions.  But I just feel that the quicker the funeral service or memorial service is held, the better it will be emotionally.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on October 12, 2006, 05:34:23 PM
When my Partner passed away I arranged for his Memorial Service to be a week later. He was cremated, so there was no rush.

I wanted time to make the right arrangements and to give those from out of town the opportunity to travel.

Also, we were leading up to a long weekend before the start of school (he was a teacher), so we decided on the Monday evening. That way everyone could have their weekend, and an evening service allowed everyone to come without work issues.

I didn't think that time was too long or too short. It's likely a very personal decision, different for each person and/or family.

Dan
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on October 12, 2006, 05:39:51 PM
When my Partner passed away I arranged for his Memorial Service to be a week later. He was cremated, so there was no rush.

I wanted time to make the right arrangements and to give those from out of town the opportunity to travel.

Also, we were leading up to a long weekend before the start of school (he was a teacher), so we decided on the Monday evening. That way everyone could have their weekend, and an evening service allowed everyone to come without work issues.

I didn't think that time was too long or too short. It's likely a very personal decision, different for each person and/or family.

Dan

that's true.

when my grandmother died, her wish was to be cremated.  The church couldn't hold a service for gram until two weeks later, so we had gram's ashes in the house.  Mom set up a small table with the urn, and a set of rosary beads, and she sat there for two weeks.  I think that it helped mom deal with the loss of her mom.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on October 13, 2006, 06:19:13 AM
when my grandmother died, her wish was to be cremated.  The church couldn't hold a service for gram until two weeks later, so we had gram's ashes in the house.  Mom set up a small table with the urn, and a set of rosary beads, and she sat there for two weeks.  I think that it helped mom deal with the loss of her mom.

Chuck, that gave all of you time to say goodbye. It was very wise of your mother to do that.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: brian on October 13, 2006, 02:21:40 PM
Regarding mourning someone who has died, do you think it is best to have the funeral or memorial services as soon as possible?

To me, I think promptness helps to alleviate that sick feeling in the pit of the somach -- the emptiness of losing someone you loved.  I know others have different opinions.  But I just feel that the quicker the funeral service or memorial service is held, the better it will be emotionally.
Personally and from discussion I think true of many people,  the emptiness does not come until a few weeks later. I know I went through my mother's private cremation 4 days after her death and the public thanksgiving service 2 days later in which I read the eulogy in a sort of a dream. Occasionally I think I would like to go through them again and put more meaning into my feelings (if that makes sense).
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on October 13, 2006, 02:57:02 PM
Personally and from discussion I think true of many people,  the emptiness does not come until a few weeks later. I know I went through my mother's private cremation 4 days after her death and the public thanksgiving service 2 days later in which I read the eulogy in a sort of a dream. Occasionally I think I would like to go through them again and put more meaning into my feelings (if that makes sense).

The emptiness, and any reaction, can be delayed because of all that goes on.

I have a dear friend who recently lost her mom, this past summer.  Because of the plans, and ceremony, and going through the house, and going through paperwork, things were so busy, she didn't have any reaction until recently.


When my grandfather died, my mother told me I would be a pall bearer.  I spent the 3 days before the funeral telling myself I couldn't react, and was so paniced that I would drop my pop, that I had no reaction until a few days after the funeral was over.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on October 13, 2006, 04:42:30 PM
Well, I can certainly say I agree with all that. Nothing hits you until you're alone after it all happens. I lost my mother-in-law 10 years ago. She was like my other mother sort of speak. Of course I cried at her funeral,cried even harder when they read a poem I had given her. But the true emotional crying didn't hit me until weeks later when I wasn't able to smell her favorite perfume in her house...all her belongings were gone,we gave all the clothes away.Everything else was washed and stored. It made it final to me. We kept her car in our garage. After weeks turned into months,I would go in there and sit in her car. Faintly I would still smell that perfume,maybe it was all in my imagination,who knows. I can't believe that car stayed in there for 9 years and every year I would sit in her car at least once. The day we moved,which was this past fall 2005,we called the crew to pick the car up and junk it...THAT was the finalization for me and it broke my heart as I watched the tow truck drive off......saying goodbye is really hard

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: All4one on October 13, 2006, 04:44:55 PM
I wonder if that isn't one of the great values of the 'etiquette' of a situation. When we would fall apart, having jobs to do holds us together.
Then, once we have survived the horrible period of initial loss, we go on to grieve in our own ways.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Casper on October 13, 2006, 11:59:55 PM
Issue:   The Departed's Wish vs. The Immediate Family's Wish

When a loved one you know specifically states the proper burial procedure he/she wants, is it selfish for someone in the immediate family to proceed ahead with another burial plan?

Example:  A loved one says she wants to be cremated when she dies.  At the time of death, a son or daughter decides against cremation and makes arrangement for ground burial.  The son or daughter is repulsed by the idea of cremation and thinks ground burial is so much more dignified. 

I read in a Judy Garland biography where Judy Garland told her children that she wanted to be cremated.  Well, Liza was turned off by cremation and decided on ground burial for her Mom.  I can understand Liza's love for her Mom making her do what she did, yet, I would have to respect the wish of my loved one regardless if I did have a hang-up toward cremation. Anyway, that's my opinion.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: brian on October 14, 2006, 01:16:01 AM
Issue:   The Departed's Wish vs. The Immediate Family's Wish

When a loved one you know specifically states the proper burial procedure he/she wants, is it selfish for someone in the immediate family to proceed ahead with another burial plan?
I think in your case it is wrong but my mother wanted a private funeral. We did have a private cremation but a public thanksgiving service. Mum did not want people to put themselves out by attending the funeral. Being 96, her  few remaining friends would have found it difficult to attend but we held it as part of the regular weekday friendship service at her old church when elderly people are  picked up and taken each week, and our friends were able to attend as well. I think we largely followed her wishes but also were able to celebrate her life. The loved ones also have their needs.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: All4one on October 14, 2006, 07:11:29 AM
Issue:? ?The Departed's Wish vs. The Immediate Family's Wish


The only thing that matters, in relation to the body, are any expressed wishes of the departed.

(I said once, in another thread, that I was surprised Jack - a young man - had actually expressed a wish to be cremated. But since he did, I was glad Lureen honored his wishes. )

I see the memorial service/funeral service/celebration of life as for those who remain.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: BrokenOkie on October 14, 2006, 09:55:56 AM
Issue:   The Departed's Wish vs. The Immediate Family's Wish

When a loved one you know specifically states the proper burial procedure he/she wants, is it selfish for someone in the immediate family to proceed ahead with another burial plan?

Sometimes extenuating circumstances affect the ability to honor those wishes.  When my Dad died we were unable to abide by his wishes for a 'as-soon-as-possible' service due to the number of other funerals that week.  He passed away on a Sunday and the soonest we could hold his service was the following Thursday.  It made for an extremely long week, but we did the best we could.  Usually, here where I live, services are held two to three days after the deceased passed.


By way of introduction, my name is Glenn.  To those of you I haven't yet met, warm greetings, and hello to everyone I know from other areas of the forum.  I'm new to the moderator staff and have joined Heidi & Nick here on the Support Groups & Connections board.  If any of us can help you with questions or lend an ear please feel free to contact us.  I look forward to participating in the discussions.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: rnmina on October 14, 2006, 05:43:19 PM
God has blessed me again today. I was browsing...not posting much recently because I feel  not so good... came by here after leaving the lasher's thread and started reading.
 My mother died 2004, two years ago, Thanksgiving Eve. I am still devastated. Thanks for being here. I am troubled sometimes by what if questions.  She was chronically ill and by the time she died was not following many of her docs orders. She's a RN as am I,  but our family, friends and her docs could not make her behave. I'm not angry, just guilty...sometimes. I believe I had a mental break when she died, but couldn't express it totally until I began to grieve for Ennis and Jack. Last December 9, when I went to Lincoln Square to see BBM 12 months  after her memorial,  I started crying in the movie and continued to cry for months. I did  visit a  shrink...started Effexor which has helped... though it makes me feel emotionless and had some counseling.
 I love you for being here.
 When I return I will read more of this thread from the beginning...that is  if the light of my life...my son, will relinquish this seat;)
much love to you all,
mina

Mina,

I'm so glad you found this thread...by talking about it I hope it can help you. Please don't feel guilty but I understand it's human nature to feel this way...I've been thru that guilt feeling too. We'll talk some more.

Looking forward to chatting with you

Nellie
would love to chat  with  you too.
hugs,
mina
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: rnmina on October 14, 2006, 06:08:16 PM
Issue:   The Departed's Wish vs. The Immediate Family's Wish

When a loved one you know specifically states the proper burial procedure he/she wants, is it selfish for someone in the immediate family to proceed ahead with another burial plan?

Sometimes extenuating circumstances affect the ability to honor those wishes.  When my Dad died we were unable to abide by his wishes for a 'as-soon-as-possible' service due to the number of other funerals that week.  He passed away on a Sunday and the soonest we could hold his service was the following Thursday.  It made for an extremely long week, but we did the best we could.  Usually, here where I live, services are held two to three days after the deceased passed.


By way of introduction, my name is Glenn.  To those of you I haven't yet met, warm greetings, and hello to everyone I know from other areas of the forum.  I'm new to the moderator staff and have joined Linda, Heidi & Nick here on the Support Groups & Connections board.  If any of us can help you with questions or lend an ear please feel free to contact us.  I look forward to participating in the discussions.

 Hi Glenn :). I have seen  happy loving pics of you and your love. I'm  totally and completely happy for you both:)
Anyway, I'm sure I am not putting this up  right... even though my brother and I were the only immediate family, my mom had  many long time friends who let us know their wishes  right away. Some wanted a come over, have food, let's go view her body scenario...I couldn't. She was very particular about her person and home when she was well and would have hated people coming into the house  since she hadn't been able to keep it the way SHE thought it should look. She wanted cremation and no nonsense.  I could have cared less about the house but she was picky and hadn't  let  some of her friends come over for a while. Anyway she died November Thanksgiving Eve, 2004 and I had her memorial December 12,  2004.  Some of her  friends didn't like my plans, but hey I had this cwazy look on my face... I know I did... so most of them  left me alone...a good thing for  us all.
hugs
mina
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: BrokenOkie on October 14, 2006, 07:43:54 PM
Hi Mina -  My deepest sympathy to you and your brother.  Sometimes there's no choice other than to work with the situation at hand and do what we must. 

We had far too many days of 'people coming over to eat' - was really rough on my Mom who wanted to get it over and done.  Dad's death was expected, but the manner in which it happened wasn't (4-wheeler accident).  We'd been trying to emotionally prepare for a prolonged ordeal, as he was terminally ill.  -Glenn

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mobody on October 15, 2006, 09:22:10 AM
Issue:   The Departed's Wish vs. The Immediate Family's Wish

When a loved one you know specifically states the proper burial procedure he/she wants, is it selfish for someone in the immediate family to proceed ahead with another burial plan?

Example:  A loved one says she wants to be cremated when she dies.  At the time of death, a son or daughter decides against cremation and makes arrangement for ground burial.  The son or daughter is repulsed by the idea of cremation and thinks ground burial is so much more dignified. 

I read in a Judy Garland biography where Judy Garland told her children that she wanted to be cremated.  Well, Liza was turned off by cremation and decided on ground burial for her Mom.  I can understand Liza's love for her Mom making her do what she did, yet, I would have to respect the wish of my loved one regardless if I did have a hang-up toward cremation. Anyway, that's my opinion.

Funny how I ended up in this thread this morning as I hardly ever venture out of the Members only area.

My mother died 10 years ago, and her wishes were to be cremated, with no service.  When the reality of her death came down on us, it was pretty clear that there was no way that my father could handle the situation my mother wanted.  First, cremation, after some considerable counselling by my mother's parish priest, we go him to the point that he could actually handle the thought of her being cremated (he believes as he was raised, that your body must be intact to be "resurrected" at the time of the rapture.  (What about people who burn in buildings?  is god gonna punish them because they died in an accident?)  well we finally got that one settled, and got him to agree to the cremation.  But we could never just send my mom off to be cremated and say nothing.  My sister intervened and started all this crap about family viewing and memorial services and it was all a big joke in the end and not anything like what my mother wanted at all.. But we did have her cremated, and my dad got his closure, and in a way, I think that was more important than what my mother wanted, not like she was there anyway. 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on October 15, 2006, 07:19:07 PM
I'm going to change the topic here.

As many of you know, many months ago I met a wonderful man on this forum and we have remained friends and we talk every week.

Today I found out that his cat, Brunello, past away this week. I have been affected by this loss as much as anything. The loss of a treasured pet can be as strong as the loss of a loved one. No question in my mind. I have been crying ever since I heard the news.

I have my own "child" Chelsea, who is eleven. I know her passing will be as difficult as that of my Partner, Scott, in her own way.

My friends "tag" is Brunel. Condolences to him would be great, even though he has not checked in to the forum for many months.

Thanks

Dan



Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on October 15, 2006, 07:33:27 PM
I'm going to change the topic here.

As many of you know, many months ago I met a wonderful man on this forum. Unfortunately, our relationship did not last, but we have remained Friends and we talk every week.

Today I found out that his cat, Brunello, past away this week. I have been affected by this loss as much as anything. The loss of a treasured pet can be as strong as the loss of a loved one. No question in my mind. I have been crying ever since I heard the news.

I have my own "child" Chelsea, who is eleven. I know her passing will be as difficult as that of my Partner, Scott, it her own way.

My friends "tag" is Brunel. Condolences to him would be great, even though he has not checked in to the forum for many months.

Thanks

Dan

Dan, thanks for briging this to our attention.

I think that people who don't own pets, or weren't raised with pets, can't understand that pets become members of the family.

I have a cat as well.  Midnight is currently 19 years old.  He's not in any pain, and still can get around, and uses the litterbox.  However, he's much slower, and his hind legs are losing strength, and I know that soon, he will have to be put down.  I've had him since my senior year in high school.



Brunel, I'm sorry for the loss of your beloved pet, and family member.

(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fv660%2FBlueWorkBoots%2FPOEM_Gate.jpg&hash=314b5d63ddf437ebcf156b6470fdc5e6)

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on October 15, 2006, 07:40:25 PM
Chuck,

Thanks......
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nick_F on October 16, 2006, 07:48:31 AM
Brunel

we have not "spoken" for many months, but am thinking of you.!

N
xxx
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Bobbie on October 19, 2006, 04:15:58 PM
A fairly new member of the Forum, Brokeback Lovesick Diet thread poster, and local DC/VA/MD person "DeTina" just lost her mother on Tuesday 10/17.  DeTina is a delightful person who just makes you laugh and lights up the room.  I wanted folks to know of her loss to keep her in your thoughts.

Thanks, B

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: BrokenOkie on October 19, 2006, 05:10:16 PM
Bobbie - thank you for letting us know.  Warm thoughts for De Tina and her family.

Glenn
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ImEnnisShesJack on October 24, 2006, 07:27:16 AM
thanks for the heart-warming update, my mother, before she became ill, was a spritualist healer and before that a part-time medium. (If that's possible LOL! but you know what I mean). I have lived with this kind of stuff for so long that it no longer surprises me.

I had no idea about your mother, Nick.

Do you think she has had something to do with you finding Rob then?  Perhaps she has channeled someone in the Spirit world to make sure you found someone to take care of you so she could pass on?  (How is mum doing, btw...?)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nick_F on October 24, 2006, 03:37:20 PM
thanks for the heart-warming update, my mother, before she became ill, was a spritualist healer and before that a part-time medium. (If that's possible LOL! but you know what I mean). I have lived with this kind of stuff for so long that it no longer surprises me.

I had no idea about your mother, Nick.

Do you think she has had something to do with you finding Rob then?  Perhaps she has channeled someone in the Spirit world to make sure you found someone to take care of you so she could pass on?  (How is mum doing, btw...?)

So many of these type of questions go around in my head H, that I am no longer able to intellectualise an answer. The older I get the more I believe in fate and destiny. Not the immutable kind, but the softer "it all will come right in the end" type of destiny. That things happen for a reason, just that we may not be wise/astute enough to divine a logical or clear reason.

Ma is getting a little worse each day, and has started to become fatalistic herself. Her former beliefs/practice do not appear to offer her much peace or calm though!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on October 24, 2006, 05:35:47 PM
The older I get the more I believe in fate and destiny. Not the immutable kind, but the softer "it all will come right in the end" type of destiny. That things happen for a reason, just that we may not be wise/astute enough to divine a logical or clear reason.


Nick,

I agree with you, 100%.

Dan
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Mejack on October 24, 2006, 07:13:56 PM

Dear Friends,
Permit me to quote myself from Page 1 of this thread, posted way back in May . . .

My story is posted over on the "affected you" thread.  After seeing BBM, I began searching for the only great love of my life.  It had been fifty years.  Just recently, after weeks of searching, I found that Billy had died in 1993.

How do I cope?  I'm not sure that I do yet.  Writing about Billy has been the most important way.  Somehow I feel this sense of urgency, like if I don't do it quickly, I might forget.  After posting some of the story on this forum, I've begun writing a complete memoir.  Remembering, that's how I cope. 

There's no one in my life who even knows about Billy.  So that means not a single person that I can talk to.  But I have found tremendous support in a most unlikely place.  Auntie's Diner, over in the Meet and Greet section.  A virtual alliance of caring, understanding people.  They take my mind off of me.  That's good.

Paul / Mejack

Since May, so much has happened.  The support I have received from this forum has been overwhelming.  Then, too, there are the friendships forged at the Texas BBQ, and the encouragement I've received from you all.

Mourning a Loved One.  As some of you know, this past Friday I visited Billy's grave.  It had been seven months since I learned of his death.  My friend Widge (WDJ) who I met on this forum, met me in Atlanta and we went together to the cemetery.  How fortunate I am to have the shoulder of a friend. How thankful I am for "Brokeback Mountain".  Without the film, I would never have begun the search for Billy. I would never have known nor read his last words to me. Now, finally, I have been able to "put things in their place."

I don't think of it as closure. I've never wanted closure.  To me, that has the connotation of wanting to forget.  I'll never forget.  I'll never stop loving him. But I fell a real sense of completion now, and that sense of emptiness seems to have subsided too.

Paul Mejack   
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on October 24, 2006, 07:21:54 PM
Bless you, Paul, and thank you.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on October 24, 2006, 07:46:26 PM
"That sense of emptiness seems to have subsided, too."

Oh, my Paul.  My heart is always with you, Elder Brother.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on October 25, 2006, 12:08:45 AM
paul i`m happy for you that you got the chance of saying goodbye to billy and have some peace with it
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on October 25, 2006, 12:13:21 AM
paul, it is a blessing that you were able to find peace. i'm sure billy would have wanted that.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nax on October 25, 2006, 07:50:32 AM
Sweet Paul, I'm so glad you did it. Everything has it's place.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: BrokenOkie on October 25, 2006, 11:44:24 AM
Paul - My apologies for using the word 'closure' in other threads in reference to your visit to Billy's resting place.  I didn't realize that it could have a negative connotation for you.  It was meant as an expression of 'completion', certainly not to imply that you could or ever would desire to forget.  For a life situation that haunts me, the 'closure' or 'completion' that I yearn for will never be possible.   
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Mejack on October 25, 2006, 12:19:37 PM
Sweet Paul, I'm so glad you did it. Everything has it's place.

That though, from you, has meant so much to me.
It describes my feeling exactly.
Paul
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Mejack on October 25, 2006, 12:21:04 PM
Paul - My apologies for using the word 'closure' in other threads in reference to your visit to Billy's resting place.  I didn't realize that it could have a negative connotation for you.  It was meant as an expression of 'completion', certainly not to imply that you could or ever would desire to forget.  For a life situation that haunts me, the 'closure' or 'completion' that I yearn for will never be possible.   

I understand completely.  (((((hugs))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ImEnnisShesJack on November 06, 2006, 07:50:44 AM
Dearest Paul,

Carol and I read your story of visiting Paul's grave and finally having some closure and peace and we sobbed and cried together for you both.  Your story is both wonderful and tragic.  I do not know what your beliefs are, but I know that you two will be together again in the next life.  That kind of love does not bear earthly bonds, it transcends the physical.

much love!
H & C
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on November 11, 2006, 09:11:15 AM
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi125.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fp79%2Fsgtironninja%2Fveteransday1.jpg&hash=07fd26d9c821229f36133e232e8458d3)

And God bless those who have died...pray for them and their families
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on November 17, 2006, 09:02:58 AM
The Holidays are always hard for me...they're killers for everyone else too I"m sure...you miss them more and more and it hurts. The good memories are all you have. But when it comes to someone you never heard,someone you never had a chance to see grow up.It's so hard....I never told her I loved her,I never held her in my arms...I never heard her say "mommy". Shit....I thought it was suppose to get easier....I tell people it's okay and comfort them,but I can't convince myself...I can't comfort myself. When I went to see a psychic 3 weeks after I lost my baby,she told me that I may see her in my dreams...that she will come to me in visions,and that one day as I hold my son in my arms under the Christmas tree,she will be there with us...I wonder if she really did.

I take a picture of my Christmas tree every year....the very first year I started doing that,the picture taken had a white glow,a cloud or spot of some sort at the bottom of the tree. I showed that picture to a friend who develops pictures all the time...without telling her what I was thinking...she looked at it and said it wasn't a defect...she looked at the negatives,looked at the other pictures from the same roll.....nothing...then she told me, "Nellie,I don't know if you believe this stuff or not,but this usually means that you caught a spirit".....I stared at her and sobbed...we cried together when she had just realized what this meant. My little angel came to visit me...it was true what the psychic had said.....now if only she would appear to me in a dream....maybe this year....*sigh*

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nax on November 17, 2006, 10:24:36 AM
My father died today 17th November in the Marie Curie Cancer Hospice in Newcastle at 13:15, both my Sister and I were with him and it was very peaceful.  He fell unconscious due to secondary brain tumors on Friday 10th November we were called by the hospice at 03:00 on Monday 13th saying they thought he was going - naturally we rushed the 60 miles to be with him.  they hadn't realised what a tough old bird my father was!  He had no food or water since the 10th and passed peacefully away today having never regained consciousness. Two friends were also present and we had a good bottle of whiskey open and drank a toast in celebration of his life - he would have appreciated that.

We have been at the hospice every day an naturally I'm feeling a little shattered at present.

I'm posting here to thank all those of you who have supported me over the past few months, especially the Diner crowd who have had to put up with my bouncing off the walls trying to compensate and take my mind off the situation - you've been a tower of strength and I sincerely thank you.  I'll be away from the forum for a while but will pick up any e-mails.

Neil
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on November 17, 2006, 10:33:08 AM
Nax....I'm so sorry for your pain...but I know you're at peace and are comforted to know that he is in a better place,of no suffering. When my mother-in-law died,at her wake,we opened up a bottle of whiskey too...I was shocked because this isn't what the spanish tradition was...but they being Irish,they did...looking back at all that now,how wonderful.....I want them to do the same for me...celebrate my life..not my passing....

I'm holding you tight buddy....and you know we'll be here for you always...

Love you,

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on November 17, 2006, 10:39:05 AM
(((((neil))))) your in my thoughts,take care

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Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on November 17, 2006, 10:55:00 AM
neil, i guess there's no more words to say

....just (((hugs)))...

....and a prayer for your dad.

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Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: All4one on November 17, 2006, 11:07:14 AM
But when it comes to someone you never heard,someone you never had a chance to see grow up.It's so hard....I never told her I loved her,I never held her in my arms...I never heard her say "mommy". Shit....I thought it was suppose to get easier....I tell people it's okay and comfort them,but I can't convince myself...I can't comfort myself.
...

Nell, I'm sorry not to have remembered this program sooner. In Hinsdale, which mustn't be far from you as it's a suburb of Chicago, there's a program called Still Missed. It is a service of the hospital; it has been run for almost 20 years by the same woman. It was designed for parents and other family members who have lost children to miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death.
Every October they have a service of remembrance, always with some special way of acknowledging the little ones. One year they gave each mother a flower to hold - pink for a girl, blue for a boy, white if the gender was not known - to place on a special table.
This year, each family got a little dove to pin to a banner ...

Rosie Roose started the program because she felt that lack of acknowledgement when she lost a baby girl of her own a few months before the birth was due.

http://www.pioneerlocal.com/hinsdale/news/111247,hi-missed-102606-s1.article
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: bbmbliss on November 17, 2006, 11:21:38 AM
((((((((Neil))))))))

So sorry to hear about your Dad.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on November 17, 2006, 11:31:19 AM
For Neil's father.......
Requiescat in Pace.

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Neil my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family and a special (((hug))) for you.

He is at peace and at rest and with his loved ones.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on November 17, 2006, 11:44:34 AM
Neil, my thoughts and prayers are also with you, K and your Dad.

Requiem aeternam dona ei Domine, et lux perpetua luceat eum.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on November 17, 2006, 11:45:35 AM
Dear Neil...my thoughts are with you and your family.  Please accept my condolences....
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Lance on November 17, 2006, 11:46:37 AM
Neil, there's nothing I can say or do that would undo your loss, but you have my sympathy. Both my parents are gone, and I know what the hurt is like.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: cabin on November 17, 2006, 12:12:34 PM
Neil,

Love and hugs for you,

Gerry                                                              (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi93.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fl59%2Fcastlehills%2Flonetree.jpg&hash=e59d8ebea28628f59e6ff27de68ea33d)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on November 17, 2006, 12:26:28 PM
....I thought it was suppose to get easier....I tell people it's okay and comfort them,but I can't convince myself...I can't comfort myself.
Nellie

Nellie, you and I have talked about this in the past. It is coming up on the time of year for me about my husband as well. I seem to be having more problem this year than last. I, like you thought it would get easier as well, but find it is not. I feel for me it may be because I have a greater awareness this year due to so many things, the movie, the forum and all the great people here. It seems I am missing him more.

I escape my home at this time and spend it with my son and his wife in their new home, and it is better. Soon I will be able to celebrate again in my own home, due to changes I am in the process of making. In the meantime, I am getting by day by day with the loving support of my family and my forum family.

My hope for you is to be able to come tp peace with this just as I am trying. We will help each other.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Ruby on November 17, 2006, 12:29:02 PM
 (((Neil)))


I always find this comforting, even if I always cry when I read it;   :-\ :)

"All is Well.  Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I, and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, that we still are. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way which you always used. Put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Pray, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect without the trace of a shadow on it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just round the corner. All is well. "
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: bass51 on November 17, 2006, 02:45:18 PM
Neil, there's nothing I can say or do that would undo your loss, but you have my sympathy. Both my parents are gone, and I know what the hurt is like.

Not to piggyback but I am in this same situation as Lance, my parents are both gone as well, for many years now. It seems a whole other life ago. My prayers and sympathy are with you, Neil, for strength for you.
You are a good man.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Lola on November 17, 2006, 02:48:40 PM
Neil, there's nothing I can say or do that would undo your loss, but you have my sympathy. Both my parents are gone, and I know what the hurt is like.

Not to piggyback but I am in this same situation as Lance, my parents are both gone as well, for many years now. It seems a whole other life ago. My prayers and sympathy are with you, Neil, for strength for you.
You are a good man.

Can I say the same, mine are gone, but NEVER forgotten.  And there are days when it seems a life time ago. 

And Ruby I read that at my Mom's funeral, it is beautiful.  I take great solice in that, I hope you can too Neil.

(((HUGS)))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on November 17, 2006, 03:02:35 PM
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sysindia.com%2Fgreeting%2Fsympathy%2Fsym004.jpg&hash=da3b439d7c8193bd43cc4c51cacb3e41)


Neil, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers at this difficult time.  Feel free to send me an email or PM if you need anything.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on November 17, 2006, 08:04:42 PM
Warm hugs... and tears for you, Neil,

Rob
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ImEnnisShesJack on November 17, 2006, 09:29:34 PM
Carol and I send our love and sympathy to you, Neil, and your family at this time.

ANything I say will sound trite, but I mean it sincerely.

xoxo
H.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on November 17, 2006, 09:51:16 PM
Dearest Neil,

Please know that my thoughts are with you and K and all of your family at this sad time.

(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi50.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff334%2Fpaintedshoes%2Fwithsympathywhiteflower.jpg&hash=10f90f045928840d133c7cda3c8258f0)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nax on November 18, 2006, 11:37:29 AM
Thank you all for your kind words off support, they mean a lot to me.

N.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: brian on November 18, 2006, 08:12:57 PM
Dear Neil
My thoughts are with you as yours were for me nearly 5 months ago. The lovely poem "I catch your smile on someone's face" which you sent at that time has been regularly in my mind ever since. I do pray all our loving thoughts even from the other side of the world may comfort you now.
Hugs
 Brian
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on November 19, 2006, 10:46:42 AM
The Holidays are always hard for me...they're killers for everyone else too I"m sure...you miss them more and more and it hurts. The good memories are all you have. But when it comes to someone you never heard,someone you never had a chance to see grow up.It's so hard....I never told her I loved her,I never held her in my arms...I never heard her say "mommy". Shit....I thought it was suppose to get easier....I tell people it's okay and comfort them,but I can't convince myself...I can't comfort myself. When I went to see a psychic 3 weeks after I lost my baby,she told me that I may see her in my dreams...that she will come to me in visions,and that one day as I hold my son in my arms under the Christmas tree,she will be there with us...I wonder if she really did.

I take a picture of my Christmas tree every year....the very first year I started doing that,the picture taken had a white glow,a cloud or spot of some sort at the bottom of the tree. I showed that picture to a friend who develops pictures all the time...without telling her what I was thinking...she looked at it and said it wasn't a defect...she looked at the negatives,looked at the other pictures from the same roll.....nothing...then she told me, "Nellie,I don't know if you believe this stuff or not,but this usually means that you caught a spirit".....I stared at her and sobbed...we cried together when she had just realized what this meant. My little angel came to visit me...it was true what the psychic had said.....now if only she would appear to me in a dream....maybe this year....*sigh*

Nellie

Nellie,

Your little Angel was there.

Here is my story.

When Scott died I was out of town for work. Once I got home and was trying to go to sleep, I heard him call out my name, and then the toilet flushed!

You see, Scott passed away in the bathroom and I knew then that the last word he spoke, was my name. His spirit said it again once I was home so that I would know this for a fact.

A few weeks after his Memorial Service a friend of his called me to talk. During that conversation she told me that she saw Scott at the Service and that he was standing at the front of the Church, to the right of the podium. I was glad to know that he was there to see all of the friends that he had and to hear the joyous music from the two large choirs assembled in his honour.

One thing that I had requested was for the Service to be videoed so that I could watch it later (knowing that I would remember little of the event).

Many months later I got a call from one of his Sister's telling me that I needed to come over to their house as they were watching the video (and were the first to do so).

And there, on the video, on the right side of the podium, was a light. A light that pulsed as the processional song was played. The song was "To where you are" by Josh Groban. All who have viewed this video cannot explain this light - other than it was Scott. I believe.

So Nellie - our Angels show up when we least expect it.

Know that they are always there for us. Keeping us safe.

love your way

Dan

Who can say for certain
Maybe you’re still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You’re still an inspiration
Can it be (? )
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn’t faith believing
All power can’t be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
’cause you are mine
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are

I know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are


Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on November 19, 2006, 03:38:13 PM

Nellie,

Your little Angel was there.

Here is my story.

When Scott died I was out of town for work. Once I got home and was trying to go to sleep, I heard him call out my name, and then the toilet flushed!

You see, Scott passed away in the bathroom and I knew then that the last word he spoke, was my name. His spirit said it again once I was home so that I would know this for a fact.

A few weeks after his Memorial Service a friend of his called me to talk. During that conversation she told me that she saw Scott at the Service and that he was standing at the front of the Church, to the right of the podium. I was glad to know that he was there to see all of the friends that he had and to hear the joyous music from the two large choirs assembled in his honour.

One thing that I had requested was for the Service to be videoed so that I could watch it later (knowing that I would remember little of the event).

Many months later I got a call from one of his Sister's telling me that I needed to come over to their house as they were watching the video (and were the first to do so).

And there, on the video, on the right side of the podium, was a light. A light that pulsed as the processional song was played. The song was "To where you are" by Josh Groban. All who have viewed this video cannot explain this light - other than it was Scott. I believe.

So Nellie - our Angels show up when we least expect it.

Know that they are always there for us. Keeping us safe.

love your way

Dan


OMG...Dan,

You have no idea how comforting this is for me....your story made me cry and brought the hairs on my arms to stand up...thank you so much. I know that song,have Josh Groban's CD....*sigh*

How awesome for us to have this...our personal guardian angel...I remember when my son was in and out of the hospital,his asthma and pneumonia was always out of control ...from 6 months of age until he reached 9 years old...I prayed to Ashely,told her to take care of her little brother...that warm feeling I would feel and knowing she was really listening to me,somewhere...he now has been taken off all medications....asthma free...*knocks on wood*....is that possible?......anyway.....God bless

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on November 20, 2006, 09:15:18 AM
Dan thanks for you story,and wow what a powerfull spirit Scott must be!!!
and thanks for the beautiful poem,!!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on November 20, 2006, 03:49:56 PM
You know, since I bought the new Josh Groban CD "Awake" , and have been listening to it, I have had such powerful memories and sadness over Scott's passing, the likes of which have not occurred for some time.

Josh Groban was one of Scott's favourite Artists, and as you know, one of his pieces was used at Scott's Memorial.

I guess his music provides an avenue to my soul, that still aches for Scott.

Many tears have been shed over the last few days. I'm OK with all of this. It's almost like I needed to be reminded of how much he meant to me.

He really was my Soul-Mate, and I doubt that I will ever have that strong a connection with another.

It's not that I'm not moving on with my life. I am.

But I'm starting to realize that Scott will always be with me. Looking over my shoulder and looking out for me.

Thank you, dear Scott.


love,

Dan
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on November 20, 2006, 03:54:23 PM
Bless you, Dan and Scott.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on November 20, 2006, 05:03:01 PM
But when it comes to someone you never heard,someone you never had a chance to see grow up.It's so hard....I never told her I loved her,I never held her in my arms...I never heard her say "mommy". Shit....I thought it was suppose to get easier....I tell people it's okay and comfort them,but I can't convince myself...I can't comfort myself.
...

Nell, I'm sorry not to have remembered this program sooner. In Hinsdale, which mustn't be far from you as it's a suburb of Chicago, there's a program called Still Missed. It is a service of the hospital; it has been run for almost 20 years by the same woman. It was designed for parents and other family members who have lost children to miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death.
Every October they have a service of remembrance, always with some special way of acknowledging the little ones. One year they gave each mother a flower to hold - pink for a girl, blue for a boy, white if the gender was not known - to place on a special table.
This year, each family got a little dove to pin to a banner ...

Rosie Roose started the program because she felt that lack of acknowledgement when she lost a baby girl of her own a few months before the birth was due.

http://www.pioneerlocal.com/hinsdale/news/111247,hi-missed-102606-s1.article

I wanted to thank you for this....I've been checking it out...

Hugs

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on November 20, 2006, 05:05:48 PM
Neil....I will burn my candle for your dad for 9 days...it's our custom to pray for their souls 9 days after they die.....it is believed that they are still down here with us and after the 9 days, go to heaven....

Hugs,friend

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: All4one on November 20, 2006, 09:34:02 PM
Nax, my thoughts, too, are often with you as you pass through these early days of grieving. Thank you for sharing with us; we know that when the bell tolls, it tolls for all of us.

As you mentioned the hospice by name, I visited the Marie Curie Cancer Care website and learned about their hospice programs, and also of the education, the research, and some of the ways they fund their work. Their goal- to put patients first - is simple yet profound.  I'll think of them now when I see daffodils...




Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: All4one on November 20, 2006, 09:58:06 PM
Nellie, you're welcome. I think the yearly service of remembrance would be beautiful.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nax on November 21, 2006, 04:32:04 AM
Nax, my thoughts, too, are often with you as you pass through these early days of grieving. Thank you for sharing with us; we know that when the bell tolls, it tolls for all of us.

As you mentioned the hospice by name, I visited the Marie Curie Cancer Care website and learned about their hospice programs, and also of the education, the research, and some of the ways they fund their work. Their goal- to put patients first - is simple yet profound.  I'll think of them now when I see daffodils...

I can honestly say the team at Marie Curie was fantastic, everyone from the cleaners to the doctors.  It's not like a hospital at all and it made a great difference to all of us.

www.MarieCurie.org.uk

Neil
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on November 22, 2006, 01:30:09 PM
In loving memory of Dirk Dirksen - who ran the Mabuhay Gardens in the 70s and 80s presenting acts like the Dead Kennedys, the Mutants, Flipper and the Ramones.  We shared friends in common, and I would occasionally see him at dinners.  Rage against the dying of the light, Dirk!

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/11/22/BAGCJMHQ8B1.DTL&hw=dirk+dirksen&sn=001&sc=1000
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ImEnnisShesJack on November 25, 2006, 05:55:38 PM
Dave has an important announcement about the forum, which he asks all members to read:

http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=18085.msg602098#msg602098

We have set up a thread to discuss the situation. That discussion thread is linked from the post directly below the message from Dave. Follow the above link and you'll get to both.

Thanks
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on December 01, 2006, 04:13:14 AM
I ask for everyone's thoughts for me today.
This would have been my husband of 31 years 57 birthday today.
He died Dec. 15, 2004.

Thanks,
Linda
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nax on December 01, 2006, 04:40:10 AM
I ask for everyone's thoughts for me today.
This would have been my husband of 31 years 57 birthday today.
He died Dec. 15, 2004.

Thanks,
Linda
Huge Hugs Linda

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Linda))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fv12%2FFloridagal%2Fth_ShowLetter1.gif&hash=1138ee201ec6886da91a6d14c87e914e)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on December 01, 2006, 05:06:18 AM
(((((((((((((((((((LINDA))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thinking of you on this day that has memories of joy, yet also of sadness this day. We remember your loss, too, dearest Linda.

Love, Fritz

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on December 01, 2006, 05:17:57 AM
My thought are with you honey (((:Linda))))
love ya  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on December 01, 2006, 05:27:02 AM
a big hug for linda....

(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi61.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fh55%2Fdesertrat77%2Fsmilies%2Fgrouphug.gif&hash=2d0f697f9e85a0ba4d4eebcbb6f2956b)

all our love for you...
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Boris on December 01, 2006, 06:43:18 AM
Linda

You're in my thoughts. And it still is his birthday, a birthday of a man who shared your life all those years and gae you two wonderful sons. We mourn for those we have loved and who loved us back. And that love stays with us until it is time for us to go.

Hugs, dear friend.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: gnash on December 01, 2006, 06:56:28 AM
dec 1st -15th must be a hard time for you, but rejoice in your ability to remember. rick will always be with you, you have his shirts...  hugs linda, big hugs, and lots of them!  jimmy
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Lola on December 01, 2006, 07:12:01 AM
I ask for everyone's thoughts for me today.
This would have been my husband of 31 years 57 birthday today.
He died Dec. 15, 2004.

Thanks,
Linda


Who can say for certain
Maybe you’re still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You’re still an inspiration
Can it be (? )
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn’t faith believing
All power can’t be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
’cause you are mine
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are

I know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are

(((HUGS))) to you Linda, I certainly will think of you all day.

And try and get a copy of that beautiful song Dan posted.  When my Mom passed I would put that on the stereo and just blast it, it made me feel good.    :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: AHappyMan on December 01, 2006, 07:28:16 AM
Linda

You're in my thoughts. And it still is his birthday, a birthday of a man who shared your life all those years and gae you two wonderful sons. We mourn for those we have loved and who loved us back. And that love stays with us until it is time for us to go.

Hugs, dear friend.

Who can say it better than Jari??

((((((((((((((((((((((Linda))))))))))))))))))))

Thinking of you all day sweetheart...
Rick
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on December 01, 2006, 08:07:08 AM
Linda...

You've had them before, you're getting one now... tight hug Lil Sis, know that I love you,

Rob
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on December 01, 2006, 12:11:46 PM
LINDA....(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi126.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fp87%2Ftxsurvivr%2F09f.gif&hash=b9465eb51e2c762187bfece9e8262213)
Thinking of you and lighting a candle for Rick...

Love ya

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on December 01, 2006, 12:50:36 PM
I don't want to make anyone cry...but sometimes it's good that we do....

(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi66.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fh258%2Fanita_blackwidow%2Ftext_and_quotes_213TOORITCHIE.jpg&hash=b62946a1492a34de62436c4decb0b3c0)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Lola on December 01, 2006, 01:01:08 PM
Lord make me an instrument of Your peace; Where there is hatred, let me sow love; Where there is injury, pardon; Where there is doubt, faith; Where there is despair, hope; Where there is darkness, light; And where there is sadness, joy. O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; To be understood as to understand; To be loved, as to love; For it is in giving that we receive; It is in pardoning that we are pardoned; And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on December 01, 2006, 01:06:11 PM
I just wanted to thank everyone here for keeping me lifted up today. Having all of you to share with and support me means everything in the world to me.

I did not have this family and this support last year, and just one year later I find myself feeling so blessed to have so many I may share this with and find such loving thoughts and support. And yes Nellie, the tears are here, but this is truly not a bad thing, but a cleansing and strengthening thing.
As many said he will always be with me and we have our sons who remind me of him daily. They are truly his legacy in all ways.

And you know what, he could ALWAYS make me laugh, no matter what! That is one of the many gifts he left me. My laughter today and always is for him, because that is how he would want it.

I thank you all from my whole heart.

Linda
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on December 01, 2006, 02:00:13 PM
On World AIDS Day - 2006

In memory of fallen warriors.

Jim was lively, humorous and turned his house in Lansing, Michigan into a meeting place where we all got together and became a family.  He used to call gin and tonics 'fluffs' and was really upset when I moved to California.

Wade was a little geeky.  When he broke up with his boyfriend Michael I went with him to see the first Star Trek movie (yep, I had hope of moving in and being Michael no. 2).  I used to worry about him, because he moved back to Mobile, Alabama when he got sick and as this was the 80s I thought he might get bashed.

Dick was the boyfriend of my longtime friend Ivan.  Dick was a wonderful host and though I met him through friends he made me feel completely at home in his home.  He had a very lively parrot.  We held his memorial in Muir Woods, a place he loved.

Howard was a baker.  He worked at Just Desserts, and when I first moved to San Francisco he was one of the people I met who make me feel welcome.  He loved music and we would often be together at concerts - synthpop, funk, goth - he loved it all.

Timmy was so sweet.  He was from New Orleans and I was introduced to him through my friend Laura.  He married a lesbian performance artist so that she could have U.S. citizenship and went to Italy and loved it.  He spent the last years of his life doing AIDS activist work in Italy.

Porter was very serious.  I knew him from the record store I worked in.  He had an encyclopedic memory (he even impressed me!) and could rattle off fact about practically any topic.  Fortunately he had a very wry sense of humor too.  Porter was one of the people I didn't know was sick.  I read of his death in the papers.

Tony was from the Italian speaking part of Switzerland (near Lake Como - which I always called 'Lake homo' when I joked with him).  He was my hairdresser for many years at a barbershop on Castro street.  He was hilarious - and always did up halloween in a big way.  I remember how sad he was when he said that he was going to have to quit working - he loved doing hair.

Jerry was the hairdresser I went to after Tony got too sick.  He used to do hair out of his home and was very, very punk.  Nothing I could suggest he do would shock him - he was always up for a challenge.  I was introduced to him through some of my more political friends.

Carla was a fighter.  When she went to one of the fake right-wing abortion clinics that tried to talk her out of having an abortion, she sued them (and won).  She was fierce and fought hard for women to get equal access to AIDS treatments in San Francisco.  She was a close friend of my friend Diamanda.  She died when doctors first started proposing 'treatment vacations'.

John was on of the first AIDS activists I knew.  Before there was an ACT-UP he was involved in a San Francisco action that took to the roof of Burroughs-Welcome to insist that the price of AZT come down.  I would see him all the time at protests throughout town.  I saw him right before he went into the hospital for the last time.

Adam was sweet and somewhat sad.  When I first started to go to an afterhour club called 'The Headquarters' in San Francisco I saw this this sweet little boy who couldn't have been more than 16 at the time.  He'd been kicked out by his father when he found out he was gay.  I saw Adam a lot in his later years, when he became a bartender at Cafe San Marcos.  He was always so bubbly and lively.  I read of his death in the paper.

Thomas worked the phone lines at Project Inform when the AIDS archive I worked in shared offices with them.  He was a bit surly, but very well informed and extremely activist.  He was involved in running ribavirin and interferon across the Mexican border where there were no treatments for AIDS.

Mike was my human resources person at work.  He was sweet and probably not as wary as he should have been - he had a boyfriend who left him when he got sick.  I remember being in Cafe San Marcos on a New Years Eve with him - I didn't know he could party like that!  He was among the many people who I lost at work.

Louis worked in computer operations at work.  For the longest time we all debated whether or not he was gay - then he was spotted on one of the 'leather' floats at Gay Pride!  He was a lot of fun and we spent time together at parties at his place as he got sicker.

Curt was a filmmaker.  He was very, very outre - he had very interesting theories about human sexuality (he didn't really believe in 'gay' or 'straight' - he had a straight boyfriend for years).  He was involved with the Roxie Cinema and was very involved in independent cinema in San Francisco.  And before he died we held soirees at his house - eating and drinking and talking about what we were doing with him.  He died of Cryptococcal Meningitis - a truly hideous opportunistic infection.

Robert was Curt's lover.  They worked together at the Roxie, and Robert was the one who organized the get togethers for Curt.  He was a good filmmaker in his own right - but what I remember most about him was how cute he was.  He had incredible brown straight hair and deep soulful eyes.  He was a very sweet man.

Carl was an acid tongued queen!  He alway had the right thing to say and being and Italian New Yorker he was never afraid to say it.  He used to say that if he was not on the guest list for an even, it wasn't worth going to.  He used to open his apartment to me (right across the street from Port Authority bus station in Hell's Kitchen) and let me stay there whenever he was in New York.  He was extremely active in ACT-UP New York and was also involved in CRIA (the Community Research Initiative on AIDS).  He was a teacher of special needs children and was very active in getting AIDS education in the New York schools.

Ed was a neurological nurse.  In the first decade of the epidemic he was very active in helping to help one of my friends do basic research on the disease.  I remember him telling me that I had to take care of my migraines, because I needed to be around to tell the story of all of the people who were dying after they were gone.

Steve was a poet.  He also worked as an arts writer for one of the local papers.  He had several books published.  I would often see him at Club Chaos and Club Uranus in the city.  When his wife died in a car crash he brought his daughter with him to live in San Francisco (and this was the 70s, so you can imagine it was a little wild).  He was just beginning to deal with his gayness then.  He introduced me to many, many writers and musicians.  I did the last published interview with him.

Patrick was very witty.  I met him at work, he was an indexer.  He was quite smart and had a wonderful memory about artistic things.  I ran into him at the event where the Golden Gate bridge was closed and we all got to party on it (for the anniversary).  He was so worried that he would lose his job without health insurance (which fortunately didn't happen.

Louis (pronounced like the kings of France) was a gallery owner.  He showed amazing work and had wonderful opening parties.  If you come to San Francisco you can still see his mural on 19th street of a gorilla.  When he got sick his lover left him because he said that he was 'allowing sickness into his life' (his lover was a big new ager).

Jerome Caja [one of the few people here I'll identify fully, because I want you to go to this website and see his work: http://www.queerculturalcenter.org/Pages/Caja/CajaIndex.html ] was an incredible artist.  Louis showed his work at his gallery.  Jerome was as much a performance artist as he was a painter and did this incredible scag drag at bars - he looked like a down and out hooker.  He was hilarious and smart - I truly  miss him.

Tom was a DJ at the Graffiti, the Detour and other clubs that I met in the early 80s.  He always played unusual music and loved that I was interested in it.  We went to see Morrissey in Oakland together.  He was convinced that he was going to beat AIDS with his attitude, and of course I didn't discourage that notion.

Thomas Avena was an incredible writer. [ http://www.mercuryhouse.org/avena.html ]  He encouraged me to write and published my work.  Along with that (if that wasn't enough) he was an incredible cook and did wonderful dinner parties.  He and his lover William (who I am not giving a separate line to, but who also died from AIDS) were an incredible team - they worked hand in glove to get Thomas' work published.

Don Gorman was my muse.  In 1985 he was running a fledgling organization called 'DAIR' (the Documentation of AIDS Issues and Research) out of the Valencia Rose and encouraged me to participate.  He was an ob/gyn and neonatology nurse.  He knew several doctors and nurses working to keep people with AIDS alive and worked with the California Nurses Association to put together safety and health guidelines.  He worked against the anti-AIDS initiatives of the 80s and got his Master in Medical Administration the year before he died (1990).  He had a wicked sense of humor.

*****************************************

I'm stopping here at 25 people.  I've known many, many more who died (hundreds).  Living in San Francisco (and New York, and L.A.) in the 80s and 90s was like living in a warzone.  What was worse was that these incredible people were dying and no one even seemed to care or notice.  At the same time I would notice that people who I saw in service jobs (the cute little ticket taker in the subway station) would disappear - never to be seen again.  Although I'm no longer experiencing depression about their loss, I've now come to terms with the fact that the sadness that is with me at having witnessed their passing at such an early age will never leave me.  I miss them all - and if I ever meet God I will ask him why he took away so many of my friends so early - what was the purpose?



Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: jasonwv on December 01, 2006, 02:04:12 PM
Thanks for sharing Michael. Never forget. Never forget. :'(
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Ruby on December 01, 2006, 02:19:25 PM
Thank you Michael.  I have no idea how to respond in words.  :'(
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on December 01, 2006, 02:27:47 PM
Thanks Ruby and Jason.  It was a hard post to do - but here in this special place I wanted to share this experience.  Certainly not to look for pity - but just to let you know a little bit of what this is like.  It's a little surreal - sometimes I'll be walking down the street and see someone who looks a lot like one of my friends and then remember - oh yeah, it can't be him - he's dead.

I just thought I should talk about them today.  Like I said - I miss them all.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on December 01, 2006, 03:16:42 PM
Michael, my good friend, thank you so much for your memories.

Each and every one of these people were someone's family, friend, or lover and first and formost members of the human race and mattered so much and loved and were loved by someone.

It is important. You are keeping them alive.

My words are inadequate.

Linda
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: BrokenOkie on December 01, 2006, 03:21:04 PM
(((Michael)))........thank you for sharing such a beautiful remembrance of your friends.  Although they are gone from this earthly home, the memories live on.


In loving memory, a few of those, long departed, who deeply touched and affected my life:

Kevin......in our little group, you were the first to leave.  Your love & compassion for all people, and your determination continue to inspire.

Matt....oh, how I miss hearing your beautiful voice when you sang.

Gary....we lost touch when you moved away, but you've never been forgotten.

Wade....I so miss your friendship and the good times we shared together.

(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi62.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fh86%2FBrokenOkie%2FWorld-AIDS-Day-Angel-Poster-B121548.jpg&hash=49c02e24251fac5168df37ebabf78fd9)

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on December 01, 2006, 03:31:41 PM
Michael...thank you so very much for sharing these stories with us...they will not be forgotten. *sigh*.. :'(

(((MICHAEL)))

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on December 01, 2006, 03:40:38 PM
Glenn, my sweet man and my rock,
Thank you so much for sharing this with us as well.

You are also here to make sure these wonderful people will never be forgotten.
Love by you and others, their lives were important and you are making sure of that.

My thanks for them and for you.

Linda
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Caithness on December 01, 2006, 04:08:51 PM
Linda, my heart.

Since we chatted online earlier today, I have been holding you, your sons and Rick close to my heart in prayer and meditation.  Please remember that this is also something that is done, each day.

Malcolm
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on December 01, 2006, 04:12:44 PM
Linda, Glenn and Nellie - thanks so much.  Part of what has mattered to me so much about our community is that we are able to share with one another.  It means a lot to me to be able to tell you about my friends who are no longer here.  Much love to all here.

Michael
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on December 01, 2006, 05:03:53 PM
Michael,

Whether we lose a few, or many. Partners or friends.

Every loss is difficult.

To be able to remember so many is a gift. A gift to their memory.

You are indeed a wonderful man.

Hugs, my friend.

Dan
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on December 01, 2006, 06:09:44 PM
Michael,

Whether we lose a few, or many. Partners or friends.

Every loss is difficult.

To be able to remember so many is a gift. A gift to their memory.

You are indeed a wonderful man.

Hugs, my friend.

Dan

Dear Dan!

Thanks so much for your sweet words. 

You're entirely right that every loss is difficult. 

Michael
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: quithammerin on December 01, 2006, 08:45:03 PM
Thank you Michael for your post, and all the others;  we will remember them.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: All4one on December 01, 2006, 10:28:14 PM
quithammerin, I want to thank you for the things you said in that other thread - good to see you again, too. :))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on December 02, 2006, 10:13:11 AM
michael, thank you. you made me cry. it is so beautiful, the way you remember all those wonderful people. by sharing with us we can make sure that they will never be forgotten.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on December 02, 2006, 11:30:25 AM
michael, thank you. you made me cry. it is so beautiful, the way you remember all those wonderful people. by sharing with us we can make sure that they will never be forgotten.

You're welcome, Martina.  It's a little strange having my head populated with all of these folks that are no longer here.

In my darker moments I think of the effects that all of this death has had (I mean culturally, not just the sadness it brings to family and friends).  All those books never written, films never made, songs never sang....

It's best for me not to think too much about that.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: BayCityJohn on December 02, 2006, 12:06:00 PM
On World AIDS Day - 2006

In memory of fallen warriors.

I'm stopping here at 25 people.  I've known many, many more who died (hundreds).  Living in San Francisco (and New York, and L.A.) in the 80s and 90s was like living in a warzone.  What was worse was that these incredible people were dying and no one even seemed to care or notice.  At the same time I would notice that people who I saw in service jobs (the cute little ticket taker in the subway station) would disappear - never to be seen again.  Although I'm no longer experiencing depression about their loss, I've now come to terms with the fact that the sadness that is with me at having witnessed their passing at such an early age will never leave me.  I miss them all - and if I ever meet God I will ask him why he took away so many of my friends so early - what was the purpose?

Thank you Michael. I tried to write something similar the other day. I'm not a very good writer so I gave up.

I'd just like to add that it wasn't just San Francisco, NY and L.A that were like a warzone, it was the same here in central Michigan. I lost over 100 friends.

I think the hardest day was when Phil had to be taken to the hospital and we had to drive him to a hospital 90 miles away because none of the local hospitals would let him in.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on December 02, 2006, 12:18:03 PM
Thank you Michael. I tried to write something similar the other day. I'm not a very good writer so I gave up.

I'd just like to add that it wasn't just San Francisco, NY and L.A that were like a warzone, it was the same here in central Michigan. I lost over 100 friends.

I think the hardest day was when Phil had to be taken to the hospital and we had to drive him to a hospital 90 miles away because none of the local hospitals would let him in.

You're welcome John.  I have a tattoo of a pink triangle in a biohazard symbol on my arm to remember those days.  I remember being in the room of a friend in San Francisco General when the biohazard symbol was on the door and people were afraid to go into the room with out a mask and gloves.  I'm really glad to this day that I never wore any of that stuff.

We've talked about this - yes, I'm sure it was just as awful back in Michigan - in fact probably worse.  My friend Jim, the first on that list, died in Sparrow Hospital in Lansing.  They were still doing the masks and gloves at the time.

One of the really horrible memories I have from that time was being in the Castro and seeing a guy (who had to be in his 30s or 40s) with a walker trying to get across the street before the light changed while the impatient drivers honked and gunned their engines.

I'm really, really glad that those days are behind us here - but I know they are not in other places.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Boris on December 03, 2006, 04:52:13 AM
This morning my friend called me. He was talking to his cell phone and I could berely hear him because of the wind. With voice as bleak and dreary as the weather he told me that his partner had died yesterday evening. Suddenly, no forewarning, nothing. Massive heart attack at the age of 46.

The unfairness of life and death.

I'm numb.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on December 03, 2006, 06:52:25 AM
i`m so sorry for you and your friend Jari,my thoughts are with you and when i light a candle this evening,will light an extra one!
take care  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on December 03, 2006, 07:03:22 AM
The unfairness of life and death.

I'm numb.



it is the most unfair thing if a beloved partner gets ripped away from someone. maybe there is a reason for it. i hope, some day i'll understand. meanwhile, this is the biggest fear in my life. :'( :'(
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on December 03, 2006, 07:09:13 AM
This morning my friend called me. He was talking to his cell phone and I could berely hear him because of the wind. With voice as bleak and dreary as the weather he told me that his partner had died yesterday evening. Suddenly, no forewarning, nothing. Massive heart attack at the age of 46.

The unfairness of life and death.

I'm numb.



Oh God, I'm so sorry to hear this news....*sigh*...God had other plans for him.

Big hugs to you sweetheart and many prayers for your friend hon....they will be in my thoughts

Nellie  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ImEnnisShesJack on December 03, 2006, 07:22:19 AM
There is only one surety in life and that is death.  We are all terminal creatures.

Small comfort at the end of the day when we have lost someone special, I suppose.

I've tried to take the death of my mother (now more than 8 years ago at the age of 54 from a massive asthma attack) and make me realize just how precious life is and not to take anything in my life for granted.  It is part of what had led me to believe in a life and love with Carol.  Life is just too fleeting to let it go by with regrets and what ifs.

Stay the course, Jari. 

xoxo
H.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on December 03, 2006, 07:26:09 AM
Jari, I know you are numb and there never is any explanation for this type of loss, be it sudden or not.
As Nellie and Martina said and I agree, there is some reason, none of which we understand now but hope to in time.
My thoughts are with you my good friend and I am with you in spirit at this time as I know you are with your good friends.
Hugs to you Jari and prayers.
Linda
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: cabin on December 03, 2006, 08:57:06 AM
I received a call just a few minutes ago from a friend reporting that his partner of 26 years passed away.  They, and my jack and I have lead a similar life as we met them here in San Antonio about 10 years ago.  They also met in Washington, DC and lived there just like my Jack and I.  They met about the same time we did and the same age difference.  Jack and I have been together 28.

I think about what may be and is the only thing that worries me the most.  Not my death or my family's.  I have always had a reasonable outlook at life and what comes with it.  I guess I'll just have to wait and see.  In the meantime, I will reflect and then store it safely in a drawer somewhere in my mind.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ImEnnisShesJack on December 03, 2006, 09:00:52 AM
Linda, I was aware of this upcoming anniversary - even embroiled in my own personal life's dysfunction.  Carol and I are keeping you (and others - Jari, Catia, etc) in our thoughts as we all struggle with this thing called life.  (It sounds so Zen-ish and philosophical)

Don't be afraid to lean on us if you need us.  That's why we're here!

xoxo
H.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: cabin on December 03, 2006, 09:23:47 AM
Jari:

I'm sorry to hear of your friend.  Always difficult news to deal with.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on December 03, 2006, 09:37:07 AM
Jari and Gerry, I'm sorry to hear about both of your friends' losses. It must be terrible to lose one's life partner. I'm praying for both of them.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on December 03, 2006, 10:46:49 AM
Having lost my own Partner suddenly, I understand the anguish and questioning.

Nothing about all of this really makes much sense.

Just hold the memories tightly.

Dan
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Boris on December 03, 2006, 02:01:18 PM
Thank you all.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on December 03, 2006, 03:32:51 PM
Jari and Gerry - I'm so very, very sorry to hear about this.  I know you probably both already know this, but the most important thing is that you were there for your friends.  That they reached out to you shows a lot - about how important you are to them.

My thoughts are with you, dear friends.

Michael
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: cabin on December 03, 2006, 05:19:15 PM
Thanks all for your thoughts.  They really help.   :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: BrokenOkie on December 03, 2006, 05:35:02 PM
Gerry & Jari....thinking of you and your friends, especially during these difficult times.

(((Hugs)))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on December 03, 2006, 07:01:02 PM
Gerry, just came in and read the post of your loss as well. My thoughts are with you my friend and that of your very close friend who lost a partner of many years. I can so identify with this loss of someone whom one has been with for such a long time. It is never easy, no matter what time of the year, no matter how long one has been together or how brief, the loss is always so final and the grief is acute.

I love your thought here, 
Quote
I will reflect and then store it safely in a drawer somewhere in my mind
, for that is what I have done. When anniversaries occur, the drawer is opened a bit and reflected upon and then closed back up.

I know that you are there for your friend, and that is important to both him and you! Once again you are in my thoughts, as well as your friend.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on December 03, 2006, 07:04:49 PM
Linda, I was aware of this upcoming anniversary - even embroiled in my own personal life's dysfunction.  Carol and I are keeping you (and others - Jari, Catia, etc) in our thoughts as we all struggle with this thing called life.  (It sounds so Zen-ish and philosophical)

Don't be afraid to lean on us if you need us.  That's why we're here!

xoxo
H.

Thanks so much Heidi, I know that you are there for me and that I can call on you at any time and that means so very much to me and helps me everyday!
Hugs.
L
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nick_F on December 04, 2006, 12:23:02 PM
There is only one surety in life and that is death.  We are all terminal creatures.

Small comfort at the end of the day when we have lost someone special, I suppose.

I've tried to take the death of my mother (now more than 8 years ago at the age of 54 from a massive asthma attack) and make me realize just how precious life is and not to take anything in my life for granted.  It is part of what had led me to believe in a life and love with Carol.  Life is just too fleeting to let it go by with regrets and what ifs.

Stay the course, Jari. 

xoxo
H.

This is a lesson I have learned.  :(

Along with learning to only refer to the past, not to stare at it long and hard.

Thoughts are with all of you!

N
xxx
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on December 04, 2006, 12:51:23 PM
Memories are strongest at this time of year....holidays.  Of course, birthdays, anniversaries, and the like are difficult too.



Just wanted to say that I'm sending out love to everyone who is missing someone special at this time.  All of you are in my mind and heart.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on December 04, 2006, 06:03:34 PM
I ask for everyone's thoughts for me today.
This would have been my husband of 31 years 57 birthday today.
He died Dec. 15, 2004.

Thanks,
Linda
Linda, because I was out of town, I am late with this, but my feelings are no less sincere.  I am so glad that you had those 31 years with Rick.  They can never be taken away.  My thoughts are with you, little sis.   :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on December 04, 2006, 06:06:47 PM
On World AIDS Day - 2006

In memory of fallen warriors.



Michael, darling, my heart goes out to the families and friends of all those who have suffered with this terrible disease.  Thank you for a much needed reminder.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on December 04, 2006, 06:12:27 PM

In loving memory, a few of those, long departed, who deeply touched and affected my life:

(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi62.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fh86%2FBrokenOkie%2FWorld-AIDS-Day-Angel-Poster-B121548.jpg&hash=49c02e24251fac5168df37ebabf78fd9)


Dear Cousin, my heart goes out to you in love and friendship.  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on December 04, 2006, 06:21:09 PM
I'd just like to add that it wasn't just San Francisco, NY and L.A that were like a warzone, it was the same here in central Michigan. I lost over 100 friends.

I think the hardest day was when Phil had to be taken to the hospital and we had to drive him to a hospital 90 miles away because none of the local hospitals would let him in.
Oh, John, my dear one. I remember those days, all too well.  My thoughts are with you, too, friend.  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on December 04, 2006, 06:23:25 PM
This morning my friend called me. He was talking to his cell phone and I could berely hear him because of the wind. With voice as bleak and dreary as the weather he told me that his partner had died yesterday evening. Suddenly, no forewarning, nothing. Massive heart attack at the age of 46.

The unfairness of life and death.

I'm numb.


Oh, God, darling Jari. I had not heard.  Please accept my sincerest sympathies on the sad and untimely passing of your friend. 

(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi50.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff334%2Fpaintedshoes%2Fwithsympathywhiteflower.jpg&hash=10f90f045928840d133c7cda3c8258f0)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on December 04, 2006, 06:46:28 PM
Michael, darling, my heart goes out to the families and friends of all those who have suffered with this terrible disease.  Thank you for a much needed reminder.

Certainly Jackie - I remember them all.... :'(
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on December 04, 2006, 07:12:53 PM
I received a call just a few minutes ago from a friend reporting that his partner of 26 years passed away. 
Oh, Gerry, please accept my deepest sympathies on the passing of your friend.  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on December 05, 2006, 10:32:01 AM
               (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi82.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fj275%2Fcatspinky_photos%2FAngelSentiments1.gif&hash=100b1ee425069fe9b888851e242c26fd)

(((Hugs))) to all !!

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on December 05, 2006, 12:02:52 PM
Thanks Nellie, I for one really appreciate all the support I receive.

The hugs are the best!!!!

(((NELLIE)))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: cabin on December 06, 2006, 09:50:44 AM
I received a call just a few minutes ago from a friend reporting that his partner of 26 years passed away. 
Oh, Gerry, please accept my deepest sympathies on the passing of your friend.  :-*

Thank you Jackie.  I went to the viewing last night and my friend was not doing well at all.  He was barely coherent. 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on December 06, 2006, 09:53:28 AM

Thank you Jackie.  I went to the viewing last night and my friend was not doing well at all.  He was barely coherent. 
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.  My heart goes out to your friend and his family.   :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on December 06, 2006, 10:12:14 AM
I received a call just a few minutes ago from a friend reporting that his partner of 26 years passed away. 
Oh, Gerry, please accept my deepest sympathies on the passing of your friend.  :-*

Thank you Jackie. I went to the viewing last night and my friend was not doing well at all. He was barely coherent.

That's so sad............keeping him in my thoughts
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on December 06, 2006, 10:34:22 AM
Same here Gerry.
My thoughts are especially with your friend, but for you as well.
I know that it is tough for all concerned.
I am thinking of you both this afternoon  and evening.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: cabin on December 06, 2006, 03:02:55 PM
Thank you, Linda.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: All4one on December 06, 2006, 03:34:43 PM
I'm thinking of you tonight, as you are with your friend.
Warmly, Donna
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Boris on December 06, 2006, 03:53:35 PM
Thank you all for your support. And Gerry, you and your friend are in my thoughts.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: cabin on December 07, 2006, 07:54:55 AM
Thank you Donna and Boris:

Well, everything went as well as expected.  It was a memorial service with a reception and their home.  My friend seemed more relief and in better shap.  If that's saying anything.

I think all the arrangements and things he had to sort thru were overwhelming to him, as it would for most of us.  So he seemed better last night.  I was happy for that.

Again thanks everyone.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Bobbie on December 11, 2006, 12:32:05 PM
I seem to be living in the support threads today.  :-\  I just found out a friend whom I hadn't seen in a while passed away Friday after fighting a very rare form of cancer.  She'd originially been given only a few months to live but beat the odds and live 4 years...well until Friday.  Her name was Penney and she was a gift to all who met her.

Bobbie  :(
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on December 11, 2006, 12:41:02 PM
I'm sorry Bobbie........(((hugs))) to you hon.....will keep her and her family as well as you in my thoughts.

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on December 11, 2006, 02:19:57 PM
Bobbie, I'm so very sorry for the passing of your friend.  You and her family will be in my thoughts.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: cabin on December 11, 2006, 02:30:13 PM
Bobbie:  I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.  Hugs.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on December 12, 2006, 09:22:05 AM
Bobbie, so sorry for your loss!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on December 12, 2006, 09:25:53 AM
(((bobbie)))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on December 12, 2006, 09:30:00 AM
Dearest ((((((((BOBBIE)))))))))), sorry for your loss.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Bobbie on December 12, 2006, 03:39:29 PM
Hi (((dear friends))),

Thank you all for your condolences.  I was so sad yesterday, but today I realized what a great person she was and I'm sure she's met her reward.  Now we need to be there for her Husband.

Bobbie  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on December 15, 2006, 04:13:30 AM
I have received such wonderful support everwhere on the forum for almost a year now. It has been a wonderful experience to receive such love and support from all.

I call on you once more to help me celebrate the life that was my husband Rick. Today is the second anniversary of his death, and as I mourn him, I also celebrate the life that he was for me and for our sons. A very good friend of mine said that I should remember and share the smiles and the happy times. That I should talk to him and share what has been going on in my life and that of our sons. She also suggested that I tell him how much I miss him and how sad I am of all that he has missed since he has been gone.

This is what I plan to do today. I had originally thought that I needed to be on my own today, but I have realized the past few days that with your love and support that I have experienced so many times this past year, in so many ways, I need to be here with you to help me accomplish this today.

Rick was always able to make me laugh, no matter what, so I plan on doing just that along with the tears that I know will come when I remember the day two years ago. It was a blessing for him, the end of a 31 year partnership for us, that resulted in our two wonderful sons, and now a grandson this year. He will never be able to share in this new life, but I know he is watching and is so proud of the men his sons have become.

The tears are starting a bit as I write this, but I know too they will abate as I remember all the good times as well. Thank you all so much for bearing with me as I share this with you, through the tears and the laughter, and for all the support and love so many of you have been for me in the past and will be in the future. Also for helping me celebrate his life too.

Thanks for allowing me to share!
Linda
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: gnash on December 15, 2006, 04:29:00 AM
(((((((((((((((((((linda)))))))))))))))))))))))

lots of hugs today from far away and smiles for the days ahead. remember fondly the past, let the tears and happiness come and go as rick is in your thoughts, and yes, talk to him to say hello, i'm sure that he will listen. thanks also for your friendship and support, i am sending out a prayer to you on this day!    :-* :-*   ^_^
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nax on December 15, 2006, 04:31:24 AM
I have received such wonderful support everwhere on the forum for almost a year now. It has been a wonderful experience to receive such love and support from all.

I call on you once more to help me celebrate the life that was my husband Rick. Today is the second anniversary of his death, and as I mourn him, I also celebrate the life that he was for me and for our sons. A very good friend of mine said that I should remember and share the smiles and the happy times. That I should talk to him and share what has been going on in my life and that of our sons. She also suggested that I tell him how much I miss him and how sad I am of all that he has missed since he has been gone.

This is what I plan to do today. I had originally thought that I needed to be on my own today, but I have realized the past few days that with your love and support that I have experienced so many times this past year, in so many ways, I need to be here with you to help me accomplish this today.

Rick was always able to make me laugh, no matter what, so I plan on doing just that along with the tears that I know will come when I remember the day two years ago. It was a blessing for him, the end of a 31 year partnership for us, that resulted in our two wonderful sons, and now a grandson this year. He will never be able to share in this new life, but I know he is watching and is so proud of the men his sons have become.

The tears are starting a bit as I write this, but I know too they will abate as I remember all the good times as well. Thank you all so much for bearing with me as I share this with you, through the tears and the laughter, and for all the support and love so many of you have been for me in the past and will be in the future. Also for helping me celebrate his life too.

Thanks for allowing me to share!
Linda
Love like that never diminishes, it's safely banked.  There are thing that we all should be gratefull for - one is that some of us here have met a wonderful person we have the privilege to call Auntie.  ;) Rick is always with you, you know that, be happy that you can take him on the rest of your journey.

Special hugs (((((Auntie))))). (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi22.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fb306%2Fjordie012%2Fth_hugggs.gif&hash=0b27e4b08a5ba079299710d30e2a9c93)

N.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on December 15, 2006, 04:46:17 AM
(((((((((((((((((((((linda)))))))))))))))))))))

(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi61.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fh55%2Fdesertrat77%2Fsmilies%2Fthkisses6vi.gif&hash=71cf917a777444f8cb63093f651ad265)

you are not alone.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Caithness on December 15, 2006, 05:12:29 AM
Linda,

Keeping you in my prayers and meditations, today and every day.

((((((((((Linda))))))))))

Love,

Malcolm
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on December 15, 2006, 05:46:50 AM
(((Linda))) am so proud of you that you can look at it this way now.that`s the spirit girl,and yes you talk to him,i know he can hear you and is with you today as on others!!
let the tears come and wipe em away with a smile of remebering!!
love ya loads  :-*  :-*  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on December 15, 2006, 05:53:12 AM
Dearest Linda,       

I know that this day is a sad one for you because of its association. Just know that I'm thinking of you and praying for you for strength. Just accept the memory as it is right now, and realize that the sadness will change, not go away but will change to a memory tempered by all the good that happened to you both, your wonderful sons and your delightful new grandson.

Big hugs and kisses, Linda!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on December 15, 2006, 06:25:29 AM
I'm joining in for all the (((hugs))) for you Linda....keep up the strength hon...you're doing great

Nellie  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on December 15, 2006, 09:09:46 AM
Lil Sis Linda,

Count me as one of those here to support you...

Do remember the good times, the funny moments, the love Rick and you shared. As you do, so does he...

Warm hugs to my sweet Lil Sis Auntie Linda, a kiss, too,
Rob (working towards Ardleigh)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on December 15, 2006, 09:39:33 AM
We love you, Auntie!



(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.theunstable.com%2Fimages%2Fhug.jpg&hash=95a4c5d6804068df515263da48a0f92f)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on December 15, 2006, 09:42:19 AM
Linda, you...and Rick...are in my thoughts today.  Hugs to you, little sis. 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Lola on December 15, 2006, 10:14:45 AM
Linda I am sitting here with tears in my eyes.   :'( :'(

I really do wish I could give you a hug.



Death is nothing at all

I have only slipped away into the next room

I am I and you are you

Whatever we were to each other

That we are still

Call me by my old familiar name

Speak to me in the easy way you always used

Put no difference into your tone

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow

Laugh as we always laughed

At the little jokes we always enjoyed together

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was

Let it be spoken without effort

Without the ghost of a shadow in it

Life means all that it ever meant

It is the same as it ever was

There is absolute unbroken continuity

What is death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind

Because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you for an interval

Somewhere very near

Just around the corner

All is well.

Nothing is past; nothing is lost

One brief moment and all will be as it was before

How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: BrokenOkie on December 15, 2006, 12:02:59 PM
Dearest Linda....Warmest thoughts and extra hugs for you today, as you recall the wonderful time you and Rick shared together.   I hope that memories of his humor and love bring you smiles to soften the tears a bit.  He lives on in your heart - always and forever.   (((((((Linda)))))))

Your photos are ready and he will be included in a special time of remembrance & honor this Sunday.  Your friends at WFMCC hold him, you, your sons & his beautiful grandson with gentle love and understanding.

Love you,
Glenn   
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on December 15, 2006, 12:16:24 PM
We love you, Auntie!



(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.theunstable.com%2Fimages%2Fhug.jpg&hash=95a4c5d6804068df515263da48a0f92f)

Yes Chuck I am quite in NEED of a really big hug this afternoon!!!
Thanks for providing it for me..... :'( :'(

It's a particularly hard afternoon today. :'(
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on December 15, 2006, 12:19:27 PM
Dearest Linda....Warmest thoughts and extra hugs for you today, as you recall the wonderful time you and Rick shared together.   I hope that memories of his humor and love bring you smiles to soften the tears a bit.  He lives on in your heart - always and forever.   (((((((Linda)))))))

Your photos are ready and he will be included in a special time of remembrance & honor this Sunday.  Your friends at WFMCC hold him, you, your sons & his beautiful grandson with gentle love and understanding.

Love you,
Glenn   

Thank you Glenn and I will be with all my new friends in spirit this Sunday as Rick is remembered, and I thank you and them for this remembrance.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Boris on December 15, 2006, 12:34:06 PM
Tomorrow, before I go to work i will go to the Orthodox Cathedral and light a candle for Rick and you.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on December 15, 2006, 12:55:35 PM
Dear Linda,

You know months ago when I asked you about Rick I remember telling you that I really feel that he would be happy and would bless the fact that you've opened your life to all of us (and, in fact, opened your home).  And I can't help but believe that he is here with us celebrating the connectedness, the family now on the anniversary of his passing.

Know that the love you have for him is shared with all of us.  And know that the love of all of our friends who are gone is right there with his love.  It's part of their gift to us.  Love never dies.

I will think of you both today with love.

Michael
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on December 15, 2006, 01:09:00 PM
Tomorrow, before I go to work i will go to the Orthodox Cathedral and light a candle for Rick and you.

Thank you so much Jari, I will see that candle burn as it lights up my memories of Rick.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ChrisW on December 16, 2006, 02:36:13 AM
Dear Linda
We have never met, but like many others I feel awed at the creative and wonderful way you used your grief and the huge space in your life so positively.
I was listening to Faure's requiem the other day after i read Michael's moving post to mark World Aids day. I wll listen to it again this weekend and think of you and Rick.
I am 59 and have been married for 36 years, over the last year, and especially since I joined this forum I have become more and more acutely aware what it is I have to be so thankful for. Tomorrow we will be having dinner with our son and his boyfriend to celebrate his 26th birthday on Monday. So that's how lucky I am.
So, big hugs and lots of love
Chris
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on December 16, 2006, 12:32:08 PM
I just wanted to thank all of you for all your wonderful thoughts and remembrances and prayers here an in PM's. They all have really gotten me through the day and days leading up to this time.

I cannot express how much all of you have meant to me! It is truly the miracle of this movie and this place.

I am grateful more than I can ever express!

As little as this is I
Thank you all,

Linda
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on December 17, 2006, 07:38:16 AM
I have received such wonderful support everwhere on the forum for almost a year now. It has been a wonderful experience to receive such love and support from all.


Linda,

I have just returned home from being away due to work, so this message is a little late.

However, since I myself am just a few months ahead of you on the same type of journey, I certainly know how the "anniversaries" can take their toll.

I found solace here on this thread at that time, as certainly have you.

I have found that the days leading up are sometimes more difficult, perhaps because the anticipation of how we will feel is more troubling, yet the actual day is more peaceful. A time to remember and share.

Hope you are doing well.

Some day we shall meet, and then we can share further.

Warmest Regards

Dan

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nax on December 19, 2006, 07:15:24 AM
I just plucked up courage to go through my PM's and tidy things up, this included all the messages of support that I've had through recent weeks.  Although I've tried to be outwardly very strong and ebullient, I have to admit it's been a strain but life is now adapting to it's new configuration.  I'm moving on and doing well.  I just wanted to post here to say thank you to all of you who helped me through my recent loss.

Being here has given me an immense amount of strength and belief in other people - thank you.

N.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on December 19, 2006, 07:35:40 AM
I am so glad that you are doing well Neil!

And I agree, I would like very much to thank all who have been with me and have supported me through all of it as well. It has been 2 years past, but the loss is still present. Each day is better and stronger,and with all of your help and strength and support, I continue to grow and strengthen. I know Rick, and I know he is with me walking beside me and letting me know that I am OK and that this is my time and he approves.
Thank you all!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on December 19, 2006, 08:23:32 AM
Neil,

Linda, Dan and I lost our loved ones roughly two years ago, (my Mom August 2004). Then I lost my dad last January. I'm sure we have a taste of what you must be going through...

I, personally, had up and down days, mostly down for a number of months after Mom's death. Woke me up to a lot of pain I had denied and buried. Some still resides in that dark, hidden area of my self, making an occasional appearance, but most sits quiet on my minds shelf where it belongs, where I know where it's at and in control... It's nice when that shelf is discovered, where I am able to pick up those sad and haunting memories, look at them briefly and then replace them, no longer seriously affected by them.

Grieving was brief in comparison with my dad's death. Not sure I really had one (a mourning period) when I compare it with what I went through after Mom died...

Hugs, Neil, Linda and Dan,
Rob
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nax on December 19, 2006, 08:48:19 AM
Neil,

Linda, Dan and I lost our loved ones roughly two years ago, (my Mom August 2004). Then I lost my dad last January. I'm sure we have a taste of what you must be going through...

I, personally, had up and down days, mostly down for a number of months after Mom's death. Woke me up to a lot of pain I had denied and buried. Some still resides in that dark, hidden area of my self, making an occasional appearance, but most sits quiet on my minds shelf where it belongs, where I know where it's at and in control... It's nice when that shelf is discovered, where I am able to pick up those sad and haunting memories, look at them briefly and then replace them, no longer seriously affected by them.

Grieving was brief in comparison with my dad's death. Not sure I really had one (a mourning period) when I compare it with what I went through after Mom died...

Hugs, Neil, Linda and Dan,
Rob
Rob
I know what you mean I lost my Mum in 2004 too and that was a real hammer blow, losing Dad was hard but I was prepared.  Knowing that nothing can harm them now is a great weight off my shoulders, not having them to share the good things and the bad things with is the hard part.  However as I've said to others, they are still here with me, always and forever and nothing can change that. I believe I'm loved when I'm completly by myself alone (to quote one of my favorite songs). I'm not worried about the gap they have left, I know it's there and I'm not going to try to fill it, it just becomes part of the patina that makes up me.

Love ya kiddo

N.
Title: Announcement from Team Cullen - Please Read!
Post by: BrokenOkie on December 20, 2006, 05:38:19 PM
The administration has been working extremely hard to solve the slow down issue that has been plaguing the forum for some months now. It has been determined that to solve this we will have to change the host company of the forum. The new host server has now been contracted with by Dave as of today.

We are proceeding rapidly now and hope to have the conversion complete within a few weeks at the latest and hopefully much sooner. We will keep you (members) apprised. Please look for announcements in the Newsbox. Some changes will likely come up suddenly--that is the nature of computer conversions, so it is impossible to know before we test whether something will go flawlessly and take two hours, or uncover thorny issues that will take days. The testing process is being started. This will not affect the forum at this point.

So taking this into consideration, we don't want to give you timeframes that are unrealistic. As soon as we finish a stage, we'll proceed immediately to the next, and the exact changeover will likely come on very short notice to you (members). We will post this changeover time in the Newsbox as well as in the individual threads, and will give you as much lead time as we can manage. This will enable us to end the slowdown ASAP.

Thank you for your patience.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: sugarcheryl on December 22, 2006, 02:23:57 PM
I lost my brother in 2002.....one month after his 29th birthday, due to suicide. It broke my heart into a thousand pieces. He suffered from bi-polar and just could no longer deal with his life. He was going through a rough divorce and child custody battle. More then feeling bad for my loss I felt horrible that he felt so alone and so dispondent that he thought this was his only way out. How I wish to GOD I could of just talked to him one more time. Our relationship had always been strained. We didnt exacctly have the best years growing up. My father was an alcholic and was very verbally abusive along with being somewhat physically abusive. My mother who I guess tried her best to be a good mom, was just never really there for us...never much of a protector for us from him. She says that she would "protect" us when we werent in the room, meaning she would yell and fight with my dad but no infront of us...which I guess in some ways is a good thing, but in others it made me and my bro feel like she just didnt care. My brother was born cholic and from that very point of entry into this world he was doomed to be a "burden" on our family. And I know my brother felt that....he always felt that my dad didnt love him. I know my dad did...but just didnt know anyway to express this to him as he was somewhat of an abused child himself.....but not really....I mean my family is very good, but I think when my dad was younger along with his 2 brothers my grandfather was just "rough" with them.....maybe alittle unnuturing, which filtered into mine and my brothers upbringing. To tell you the truth....my father was a real asshole. Now though he has changed and hasnt drunk in years and he is a wonderful grandfather to my children and I know that he harbors so much guilt towards my brothers death. He feels it is all his fault....and who knows there may be some truth in that. What if we would of had a different upbringing....if my father was more patient and my mother more stronge....would he still be with us? That is a question that wracks my brain every time I think about it. Now my life is without my sibling....to be an "only child" at 32 was a big slap in the face. To think back to my childhood that once had a brother in it brings tears to my eyes as I type this. He did have a not so good life....and I just wish I could of been there for him....but i just didnt know. It didnt surprise me however, when I got the news.....but it still devestated me.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on December 22, 2006, 03:55:11 PM
SugarCheryl...we meet again in this thread.....how wonderful

I'm sorry you feel the way you do...but sometimes there are no answers.We must learn somehow that we have done the best that we can. es,I'm sure many things would of been different if certain instances hadn't occurred. But they did...

I have a friend who had such a rough life. She was the oldest of 7 siblings.A good Italian family ,but they had their secrets too. She endured sexual abuse. Had to quit school to help her mom raise her brothers and sisters. Her mother and herself were pregnant together when she was 17 or 18. Her younger sister was like her daughter of course.Had a rough marriage and divorce.Older son was killed at 19 in a car crash.He had a fight with his girlfriend and at 80 miles an hour hit a tree ,dead smack...we all know it was suicide but she won't say the "word".No break marks found. Her younger sister and her son were very close,they were only months apart. Going to that funeral was devastating for me...it brought many memories of my best friend that was killed at 19 as well in a plane crash in '85...I tried to be there for her,we had barely met back then at work. Her daughter turned out to be alright.Was born a couple years later after her son and she also had a 3rd child. Another son. He has Bi-polar.Many problems hit this child after his brother died. He was only 8 years old then...he is now 22 yrs old. He suffered from depression at first...school and his behavior was all wrecked. Still is,much worse...he smokes pot,drinks heavily,and doesn't always take his medications...he smokes like a chimney...ahhh..it's just all so terrible...she tries to vent to me...tries to get him some help...he refuses...what are you going to do?...kick him out into the street?...of course not...but at times she hates him so much for making her life so miserable...she lost her parents during all this too and battled breast cancer at the same time...there's more but I'll stop right now...she and I went to see Brokeback together,it was fantastic. Her brother is happily gay in California and has a partner of many years...she loves them both dearly. She often tells me if only Nick didn't die...My younger son wouldn't be this way...I tell her...He has Bi-polar...some of his decisions were his...not yours...you can't blame yourself...you can't think that he will kill himself too...God,my heart aches for her. Whether you know it or not...what someone does and doesn't do..you can't control their decision

Why am I telling you all this?...well,because so many things happen to us...so many what ifs..if only I called him...if only I said I love you....if only life was better for him...I say those things too when I think about my girlfriend. If only I had called her one last time and told her how much she really meant to me...if I had just said I love you girl and am so proud of you...ugh...21 years later I still love her,still think of her and her mother who died with her...they only had each other....her father came and went,they were divorced...they were polish immigrants,her parents were. Going to that wake...don't even ask me how I felt...at 19 it was the end of the world for me....after so many years I learned to put it away...this movie of ours brought it all back to me again...

But honey just know one thing.Every time he comes to your mind,smile...tell him you love him...he knows...he sees...he lives thru your children...he keeps them safe and maybe this is what God had planned for him...don't feel sorry for him anymore...I used to feel sorry for myself...my first born child had died at 6 months gestation ...I look back now and realize that this was God's plan...it had to be...she looks after my 2 children now...they now know who she is...I know she's smiling down on them...don't think of yourself as the only child..talk to him and pray for him...as I know I have 3 children and not 2...one is just in heaven protecting us,that's all...as your brother is for you.

Hugs to you

Nellie

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on December 25, 2006, 07:23:26 PM
This Christmas morning I went to the park where Scott's family and I dedicated a bench in his and his Mother's memory.

I placed a rose there for him.

I noticed that the snow had been cleared from the bench and someone had been sitting there. I know not who, but it made me happy none the less.

Dan
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on December 25, 2006, 07:34:46 PM
This Christmas morning I went to the park where Scott's family and I dedicated a bench in his and his Mother's memory.

I placed a rose there for him.

I noticed that the snow had been cleared from the bench and someone had been sitting there. I know not who, but it made me happy none the less.

Dan



(((((Hugs to you Dan)))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on December 25, 2006, 11:22:26 PM
Dan, it makes me happy knowing that someone used the bench.  Loving thoughts to you, and to Scott and his family.   :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Boris on December 27, 2006, 10:26:41 AM
This Christmas morning I went to the park where Scott's family and I dedicated a bench in his and his Mother's memory.

I placed a rose there for him.

I noticed that the snow had been cleared from the bench and someone had been sitting there. I know not who, but it made me happy none the less.

Dan

Years ago I was in Toronto, attending a conference there. I took some of my vacation time and spend it there strolling around the city. In a park, whose name I have long forgotten there was a bench like that. There was a small plaque that said "In loving memory of Amelie" and nothing else. When I sat down after a long walk I wondered who she might have been and what was she like? I imagined a person, even draw a sketch of her but one thing I knew for sure: someone had loved her very much and it made me feel good about her and her life.

Everyone who sits on bench dedicated to Scott and his mother will not even realize where they are sitting but some will. And in a way they're both remembered right that moment. Like that unknown Amelie.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on December 27, 2006, 11:35:42 AM
Everyone who sits on bench dedicated to Scott and his mother will not even realize where they are sitting but some will. And in a way they're both remembered right that moment. Like that unknown Amelie.

A while ago I was in Golden Gate Park with Jim (jim.grrr) and had a similar experience.  We were in an area of the park that has an ampitheater and several benches in it - it's near a grove of redwoods.  I mentioned to him how many of the men had died in the late 80s and early 90s - I noticed that the first time that I went there.  I always think about them when I'm there.

So yes, Dan, know that people will think about them whenever they see that bench.

Michael
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: TwistEnnis on December 27, 2006, 04:11:50 PM
With what would have been my Mom's 71st birthday and hence why I'm feeling a little blue today, I though I'd share a poem I wrote  a year ago in her memory. Hope you all enjoy.  Peace and Love.



Lilacs For Leona

When I stop to remember
my memories take me back
to a time when life was simpler
and I didn't know life without her.

I think about things like
her planting tulips in a new
home she was so proud to
call all her own, for once.

Or the colorful Lilacs I
helped her plant beside
that lonely road I long
to walk down once again.

Maybe I think about how
no one else could ever make
a pan of fudge that could
ever taste the same as hers.

And how I loved knowing
that when I arrived home
she would be safely nestled
in bed or sitting at her chair.

I think sometimes of the quiet
private person she could be
and how it was a part of her
much like it is now a part of me.

And when I think of home
it is always without a doubt
the blue shingled house that
sits on the curve in the road.
Always.

Someday I will walk down
that road again and I will
pick a bouquet of those Lilacs
red, white and violet in color
I'll bring them home and put
them in a vase on the table
taking a deep breath as I smell
their sweet fragrance..

And once again I will see her
face and remember her voice
as I cherish those Lilacs from
a home not so long ago

where memories, like the Lilacs,
will never fade away..

Written by her Son, Mitch 12/27/2005
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on December 27, 2006, 05:03:31 PM
Mitch, this poem you wrote is beautiful...thank you so much for sharing it with us

(((hugs)))

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on December 27, 2006, 05:55:32 PM
So yes, Dan, know that people will think about them whenever they see that bench.


Thanks to all who posted here.

It is a special place for those that knew them.

Dan
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on December 27, 2006, 06:55:09 PM
I thought this was pretty and thought of you guys right away....had to share Dan



(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi51.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff379%2Fsarahb-heth%2F6f158853.jpg&hash=8dcb483203d17c831591249013cfebf0)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on December 27, 2006, 07:15:16 PM
Nellie,

How sweet of you. Very peaceful.

Scott's bench is in a sculpture garden and looks out over a lily pond (in the summer). Now it's just snow, but has it's own magic.

Hugs

Dan
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: TwistEnnis on December 27, 2006, 08:39:48 PM
Mitch, this poem you wrote is beautiful...thank you so much for sharing it with us

(((hugs)))

Nellie
Thanks Nellie.  :)  ((((hugs back))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: BrokenOkie on December 27, 2006, 09:00:42 PM
Beautiful tribute to your Mom, (((Mitch))).  She raised a very, very fine son.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: BrokenOkie on December 27, 2006, 09:05:00 PM
(((Dan)))  Love truly is eternal.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: TwistEnnis on December 27, 2006, 09:23:30 PM
Thanks Glenn - she left me many gifts, some I've never been able to thank her for. 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on December 29, 2006, 10:17:41 AM
This Christmas morning I went to the park where Scott's family and I dedicated a bench in his and his Mother's memory.

I placed a rose there for him.

I noticed that the snow had been cleared from the bench and someone had been sitting there. I know not who, but it made me happy none the less.

Dan

Warm hugs, Dan...

Rob
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: jpq716 on January 09, 2007, 10:19:52 PM
I had a lot of death in my family this past year, and Christmas --- even though it was quite enjoyable on the whole --- was surreal at some moments because I was going to cemeteries with Christmas wreaths a lot. There were moments --- just moments --- in 2006 when I was so involved with the dead in my family that I thought I myself was one of them. 2007 will definitely be better: it has to be, since there are very few members of my family who are still alive to die. <SIGH>
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on January 09, 2007, 10:28:55 PM
I had a lot of death in my family this past year, and Christmas --- even though it was quite enjoyable on the whole --- was surreal at some moments because I was going to cemeteries with Christmas wreaths a lot. There were moments --- just moments --- in 2006 when I was so involved with the dead in my family that I thought I myself was one of them. 2007 will definitely be better: it has to be, since there are very few members of my family who are still alive to die. <SIGH>

Oh, honey, that makes me so sad for you...but, please remember...you have a family here,as well.  And we aren't going anywhere.  We will be here for you, if and when you need us, friend.  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on January 10, 2007, 02:38:11 AM
Hi gang,

January 25th will be the first anniversary of my fathers death.

Someone has said that good comes from bad. Something like that... many of those posting here know that it was because of Dad's death that I met my Nicky here at the forum. He replied to a post I left concerning my fathers death on January 27, 2006. Almost a year ago.

Within a few hours Nick will be leaving my side after visiting for fifteen days. His leaving saddens both of us. We have no idea how long it will be before we are able to be back in each others arms. For those who don't know, Nick lives in England, northeast of London, and I live in Puyallup, Washington, about 30 miles south of Seattle.

My life has become so much better since Nick and I met, he'll tell you the same as well. It seems we were "made for each other", as is said, and one day we will prove that when we marry in England where ceremonies as that are legal, and allowed.

Thank you, Dad, for allowing your passing for Nick and me to meet. Though he and I are so many, many miles apart, and that we have immigration issues to deal with, our lives are so much richer than they were before we met, just two days after your death.

Your passing, Dad, has blessed my life in a way I never thought possible...

I love you... and I love you as well, Nicky, more than I can express. May we be back in each others arms again soon!

Kisses and hugs, lover,
Boo
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on January 10, 2007, 06:38:24 AM
Rob,

I truly believe that those who have passed before us lead us in their own way.

Cyber hugs to you on this difficult day.

And within the week, real hugs!

Regards

Dan

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nax on January 10, 2007, 06:54:05 AM
Rob,


Thinking of you and how our lives have changed  ;)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: cabin on January 10, 2007, 07:54:42 AM
(((Rob)))

It is always difficult remembering our family who has passed.  It gets easier as time goes by and we accept was crosses our lives.  Life has a way of replacing those that leave us. 

Gerry
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on January 10, 2007, 08:47:37 AM
Rob, my dear brother, I tend to agree with Dan.  What a gift your father left you, in his own way.  My thoughts are with you in your time of remembrance, and with you and Nick, always.   :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on January 10, 2007, 09:12:37 AM
Whenever I get in my moods, I start to think. At times it can get pretty dangerous when Nellie thinks...but....

Whether one believes in God or not,I totally believe he has plans for us...terrible things happen to us and then many good things do too. The death of a loved one is always hard to bare...you go thru the stages of grief...the why's,the anger and then accepting..you try to move on with your life,even feeling sorry for yourself and then, there it is....something you least expect...Love..in all the right places...and a guardian angel for an added benefit...someone you can still talk to,someone who will look down upon and smile...and be proud.

(((ROB)))

I love you buddy,

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on January 10, 2007, 09:30:16 AM
((((((((((((ROB))))))))))))) The right time, the right place for you both, such happiness born of deep pain and loss.

Love to you both!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on January 10, 2007, 10:55:23 AM
(((Rob))) your dad can see the both of you and i know it`s hard saying goodbye,but very soon you will be together with Nick forever.Just stay focussed and keep the faith  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on January 10, 2007, 12:38:02 PM
rob, another proof of the yin and the yang. one door closes while another door opens. the world is in balance.

love to you.  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on January 11, 2007, 01:36:27 AM
Thanks for the kind words and support, gang... it's appreciated more than you can know.

Hugs and love to you all,

Rob
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on January 11, 2007, 02:10:35 AM
Nick and me at SeaTac Airport a couple hours ago, just before he walked through security...
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi45.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff70%2FRobinpuyallup%2FP1100207.jpg&hash=ea232cc27a9fff91dfb360a48074bb71)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on January 11, 2007, 02:28:33 AM
Thanks so much for this wonderful pic Rob.
And thank you for your moving post about your Dad and all that has happened this past year.
It is so wonderous that you can take your life as it is today and credit something as sad as your Dad's death to the happiness ypu have now.
I know it is a hard day but it is toward the future not too distant that you have to look now.
And I know your Dad is looking down and smiling for the happines of his son.
Hugs,
Linda
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on January 11, 2007, 02:38:24 AM
Thanks, Lil Sis,

Much love your way, Linda, with hugs and a kiss or two,

Rob
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ChrisW on January 11, 2007, 03:42:10 AM
Dear Rob and Nick
a big thank you to both of you for sharing this story, so brave - and yes, here in the UK, let's be very pleased that you can have the recognition your love deserves, I read yesterday it's even going to be illegal shortly in the UK to dscriminate against gays/lesbians, married or not, now that's progress, pity your dad didn't live to see you so happy Rob.
 (((((((Rob and Nick)))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: annabel on January 11, 2007, 04:29:58 AM
Rob, I'm not a cryer, but your story made my eyes dribble.  It was lovely.  Thank you.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on January 11, 2007, 02:00:04 PM
Dear Rob and Nick
a big thank you to both of you for sharing this story, so brave - and yes, here in the UK, let's be very pleased that you can have the recognition your love deserves, I read yesterday it's even going to be illegal shortly in the UK to dscriminate against gays/lesbians, married or not, now that's progress, pity your dad didn't live to see you so happy Rob.
 (((((((Rob and Nick)))))

In many ways the UK is much more progressive than the US. Too much in the line of religious conservatism that prevents the real growth of our society here, I'm thinking. It's very sad...
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on January 11, 2007, 02:00:38 PM
Rob, I'm not a cryer, but your story made my eyes dribble.  It was lovely.  Thank you.
Thank you, Annabel...
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: sugarcheryl on January 11, 2007, 06:01:09 PM
Hi gang,

January 25th will be the first anniversary of my fathers death.

Someone has said that good comes from bad. Something like that... many of those posting here know that it was because of Dad's death that I met my Nicky here at the forum. He replied to a post I left concerning my fathers death on January 27, 2006. Almost a year ago.

Within a few hours Nick will be leaving my side after visiting for fifteen days. His leaving saddens both of us. We have no idea how long it will be before we are able to be back in each others arms. For those who don't know, Nick lives in England, northeast of London, and I live in Puyallup, Washington, about 30 miles south of Seattle.

My life has become so much better since Nick and I met, he'll tell you the same as well. It seems we were "made for each other", as is said, and one day we will prove that when we marry in England where ceremonies as that are legal, and allowed.

Thank you, Dad, for allowing your passing for Nick and me to meet. Though he and I are so many, many miles apart, and that we have immigration issues to deal with, our lives are so much richer than they were before we met, just two days after your death.

Your passing, Dad, has blessed my life in a way I never thought possible...

I love you... and I love you as well, Nicky, more than I can express. May we be back in each others arms again soon!

Kisses and hugs, lover,
Boo

I give my regards to you Rob on the loss of your father.

On a side note however....your story somehow totally reminds me of BB....not in the intense way....but of the parting way. I hope that the love that you and Nick share together will stand the distance that is between you. Take care.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on January 11, 2007, 06:09:10 PM

I give my regards to you Rob on the loss of your father.

On a side note however....your story somehow totally reminds me of BB....not in the intense way....but of the parting way. I hope that the love that you and Nick share together will stand the distance that is between you. Take care.

Thank you Cheryl, the distance can be very painful but with AIM, Skype and cell phone we are in contact for several hours each day. The hard part is that we are unable to look directly into each others eyes, and we can't touch...

Rob
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nax on January 12, 2007, 08:21:35 AM
I've just come back from the second funeral of the week! The first was someone I have worked with for the last 16 years he was a year older than I, fit healthy, non smoker and developed cancer in his cheek/eyesocket last year he battled hard but lost.  The second was one of my colleagues in another rail IT group who I've worked with for 11 years who did suddenly in his sleep last week, again fit healthy, non smoker/drinker and was only 38.  Death is unfair, there are so many more people deserving of it! - sorry a bit bitter but I'm well weary.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Boris on January 12, 2007, 08:35:54 AM
I've just come back from the second funeral of the week! The first was someone I have worked with for the last 16 years he was a year older than I, fit healthy, non smoker and developed cancer in his cheek/eyesocket last year he battled hard but lost.  The second was one of my colleagues in another rail IT group who I've worked with for 11 years who did suddenly in his sleep last week, again fit healthy, non smoker/drinker and was only 38.  Death is unfair, there are so many more people deserving of it! - sorry a bit bitter but I'm well weary.

When my friend died in December someone said me that "life doesn't play fair". I assume he believed it to be a consolation. I have found it very hard to accept his death.  And I can recognize that weariness too. One of my closest associates for over ten years, a woman with whom I worked with a lot, who taught me almost everything I know, is losing her battle with cancer and losing fast. He turned 50 last year, wonderful, vivacious woman. She refuses to have vistors, only her partner is alllowed because she doen't want anyone to remember her like she is now.

And nothing of it makes any sense. At least now it doesn't.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nax on January 12, 2007, 08:38:05 AM
((((((((((((((((((((((((Jari)))))))))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Boris on January 12, 2007, 08:43:35 AM
((((((((((((((((((((((((Jari)))))))))))))))))))))))))


(((((((((((((((((((((((((Neil))))))))))))))))))))))))

Life is fragile and life is now.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on January 12, 2007, 08:50:07 AM
Neil and Jari...

Life isn't fair, really, is what I've noticed as well. Who chooses who we'll lose next, who chooses to allow that 90 year old to live another 10 years, while robbing that 6 year old of his life?

I rarely thought much about the shortness of life until those around me started dying. Grandma in November '94, Mom in August '04, then Dad a year ago this month.

We must learn to live life to it's fullest while we have it, share our love with those around us as long as we have them...

Love and warm tight hugs to you both,
Rob
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Boris on January 12, 2007, 08:54:51 AM
Years ago, after my grandma's funeral, priest said to her children "the only thing we owe to those who have died, the only debt we have to pay, is to live to the fullest."

((((((((((((((((Rob))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on January 12, 2007, 08:57:44 AM
For some reason...I just want to cry........ :'( :'( :'(

You guys are so wonderful and you mean the world to me....(((HUGS)))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on January 12, 2007, 09:08:29 AM
((((((((JARI))))))))) and (((((((((NEIL))))))))))))

No words of comfort do I have, just hugs to you both.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on January 12, 2007, 09:36:41 AM
Years ago, after my grandma's funeral, priest said to her children "the only thing we owe to those who have died, the only debt we have to pay, is to live to the fullest."

((((((((((((((((Rob))))))))))))))))))

The priest is right, I'm thinking, Jari... but living life to it's fullest is one of the most difficult things to do when we have to cope with the rat race modern society pushes us into... but I'm trying, that's for sure. :)

{{{{{{{JARI}}}}}}}
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on January 12, 2007, 08:34:17 PM
We must learn to live life to it's fullest while we have it, share our love with those around us as long as we have them...

Dearest Rob....

There is a wonderful old English folk song 'The Unquiet Grave' in which a lover mourns his lost one for a year.  The ghost returns to ask who it is that keeps them from sleep.  The specter also advises:

'So make yourself content, my love,
Till God calls you away'

I cannot help but believe that those we love are made saddened by our pain and want us to live on in happiness.  Know that your Grandma, Dad and Mom look down in joy on you and Nick.

 :-*

mf
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on January 12, 2007, 09:05:25 PM
We must learn to live life to it's fullest while we have it, share our love with those around us as long as we have them...

Dearest Rob....

There is a wonderful old English folk song 'The Unquiet Grave' in which a lover mourns his lost one for a year.  The ghost returns to ask who it is that keeps them from sleep.  The specter also advises:

'So make yourself content, my love,
Till God calls you away'

I cannot help but believe that those we love are made saddened by our pain and want us to live on in happiness.  Know that your Grandma, Dad and Mom look down in joy on you and Nick.

 :-*

mf

Thank you Michael...

I'm sure if they understood how happy I am right now they'd be at warm peace.

Kisses and hugs in return,
Rob
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: annabel on January 13, 2007, 05:47:55 AM
My husband's now deceased great grandmother used to say she loved seeing children at funerals because it was tangible proof of life going on.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on January 13, 2007, 11:38:36 AM
Life is fragile and life is now.
Dear Jari, I am saddened so, for the illness of your friend, and the grief you are dealing with.  Please know you are in my thoughts, and in my heart.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on January 13, 2007, 04:59:30 PM
My husband's now deceased great grandmother used to say she loved seeing children at funerals because it was tangible proof of life going on.

Wow...interesting...never thought of it that way...thanks
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on January 13, 2007, 05:18:40 PM
I just wanted to mention here about the passing of the principal of the high school my sons attended. He lost an 18 month battle with brain cancer. He had developed it several years ago and beat it that time, but it returned. He was 52 years old.

I wanted to mention him as he was a great educator, but even more important how much influence he had on many generations of students in Boerne. He graduated from Boerne High school, got his degrees and came back to teach, and coach football. He became assistant principal and then principal. He really did know the names of every single student that attended the school, and over all those years it was thousands. He also remembered them many years after they graduated as well. He was firm and just and the kids loved him. He ALWAYS had time for them, never turned any of them away.

I just wanted to share the life of this special person with you, who had such a positive influence over my sons and helped contribute to the men they are today, and also the thousands of young adults he touched in his all too short life. Once again I wonder why, as so many of us do, a man like this is taken so early.

He was truly a remarkable man.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on January 13, 2007, 07:02:37 PM
I've just come back from the second funeral of the week! The first was someone I have worked with for the last 16 years he was a year older than I, fit healthy, non smoker and developed cancer in his cheek/eyesocket last year he battled hard but lost.  The second was one of my colleagues in another rail IT group who I've worked with for 11 years who did suddenly in his sleep last week, again fit healthy, non smoker/drinker and was only 38.  Death is unfair, there are so many more people deserving of it! - sorry a bit bitter but I'm well weary.


Neil, I'm so sorry that you have had so much loss in your life these past few months.  You've sent me some incredibles PMs lately, and for you to  be able to do that, while you are going through so much, is amazing.  You are a kind and gentle soul, and I appreciate your friendship.

When my friend died in December someone said me that "life doesn't play fair". I assume he believed it to be a consolation. I have found it very hard to accept his death.  And I can recognize that weariness too. One of my closest associates for over ten years, a woman with whom I worked with a lot, who taught me almost everything I know, is losing her battle with cancer and losing fast. He turned 50 last year, wonderful, vivacious woman. She refuses to have vistors, only her partner is alllowed because she doen't want anyone to remember her like she is now.

And nothing of it makes any sense. At least now it doesn't.


Jari, I can so understand how you feel.  One of my friend's mothers had the same experience.  She had lung cancer, and she wanted no visiters.  One day, she was feeling strong, and she did up her face, and her hair, and called everyone over for a visit.  We had a 2 hour long visit with her, and it wasn't long after that, that she passed.  I will always remember seeing her at her dining room table, laughing and having coffee with us.

I am sorry that you are losing someone who means so much to you.  You also have sent me wonderful PMs and IMs, and I also appreciate your friendship.


*sending love and positive thoughts to both of you*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Poohbunn on January 14, 2007, 04:23:14 PM
When my Mom died after an awful two year battle with ALS, I was angry that so many genuinely evil people were still walking around in perfect health.  I didn't even have time to get over her death when I lost another precious one. 

This week I moved into a cute little condo, my first home of my own, and all I could think about was wanting to invite my Mom over to see how I decorated the place.  Living life to the fullest is a nice thought, but when someone else is a big part of your life, there's still a hole there. 

I hope all who are grieving here find a measure of peace.

Debi
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on January 14, 2007, 05:15:02 PM
(((HUGS))) to you Debi....I'm sorry

It really is unfair...I'm that way about my mother-in-law...we were very close. She was like my other mother...we would sit and have coffee all night and talk...*sigh*

Hang in there hon...

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: annabel on January 15, 2007, 05:48:07 AM
Although I have not lost anyone recently ( I probably shouldn't even be on this thread) I just wanted to say, yeah, it hurts and it unfair, but, unfortunately, it is part of life.  So for all of you who are angry, it's OK. It is part of the grieving process and it's actually healthy.

Pooh, a friend of mine who is now 40 years old has ALS; has been diagnosed since 2001; my next door neighbor died of it a year ago.  My heart goes out to you.  It is a sad, slow way to go.  Because of my friend I walk in a local ALS walk and donate money every year to Jerry Lewis.  Somehow, it makes me feel like I'm maybe helping.  My condolences again to you, Cellar, Boris,Nax, etc. 


Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nax on January 16, 2007, 02:22:26 AM
I just realised that I may have been a little selfish recently, my partner K is finding it hard to get over my fathers death, it wasn't till he said to me that he feels he's lost two sets of parents, his own (who died before we met) and mine.  My parents "adopted" K without any animosity, never turned a hair as we say here, it was just taken for granted and they always introduced him to others as "Their other son".  I should be grateful for the love and acceptance they both gave to us and give my K the support he needs at this time.

Funny old world isn't it  :-\
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on January 16, 2007, 02:36:16 AM
of course it is sad that you both hurt so much from your father's death. but then, on the bright side, you don't only have double the pain, you had double the love when he was still alive. i think the blessings outnumber the sad things, don't you as well ?  :)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nax on January 16, 2007, 02:50:03 AM
of course it is sad that you both hurt so much from your father's death. but then, on the bright side, you don't only have double the pain, you had double the love when he was still alive. i think the blessings outnumber the sad things, don't you as well ?  :)
Yes once one has accepted the natural order of life - on balance the good memories are better.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on January 16, 2007, 09:40:23 AM
I just realised that I may have been a little selfish recently, my partner K is finding it hard to get over my fathers death, it wasn't till he said to me that he feels he's lost two sets of parents, his own (who died before we met) and mine.  My parents "adopted" K without any animosity, never turned a hair as we say here, it was just taken for granted and they always introduced him to others as "Their other son".  I should be grateful for the love and acceptance they both gave to us and give my K the support he needs at this time.

Funny old world isn't it  :-\

Nax, when a death happens, most people look for comfort, and it isn't selfish in the least.  I wouldn't have thought to think that "K" would be so affected if I was in your shoes.

But now that you realize it, give him the hug he needs.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Adrian on January 19, 2007, 10:47:04 AM
Lovelyamazing,

Words can not begin to express the sense of loss and shock that you must be dealing with at this very difficult time.  Please know, and I'm sure I speak on behalf of every single individual on this forum, our deepest sympathies, thoughts and wishes of comfort and strength are with you at this time, as is my shoulder.  If there is anything I can do for you please do not hesitate to ask.  You are a special and genuine lady with amazing heart and compassion, obviously traits passed on to you from a very special lady who now embraces you in her arms and who will be by your side from this moment on, throughout your life, as, she always has been.  You will be carried through this even if you don't realize it now.  Much love and peace to you and your family.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on January 19, 2007, 10:52:33 AM
LovAm,

Sending you the warmest hugs, most positive thoughts, and all the love possible, to you and your family at this time of grief.








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Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on January 19, 2007, 10:54:23 AM
Lovely, 

I can't even put into words right now...honey,I'm so so sorry....please know you will find the strength...we will always be here for you...promise

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers....(((LOVELY)))

Nellie
 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Ruby on January 19, 2007, 10:57:10 AM
I have posted these words on this thread before and I received a number of pm's about it, so I'm sure no-one will mind seeing it again. 


For Lovely and Lovelysmom

Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other
That we are still
Call me by my old familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way you always used
Put no difference into your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we always enjoyed together
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was
Let it be spoken without effort
Without the ghost of a shadow in it
Life means all that it ever meant
It is the same as it ever was
There is absolute unbroken continuity
What is death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner
All is well.
Nothing is past; nothing is lost
One brief moment and all will be as it was before
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!
 
Canon Henry Scott-Holland, 1847-1918, Canon of St Paul's Cathedral
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on January 19, 2007, 11:18:01 AM
Thank you alll .... I can feel you all around me
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on January 19, 2007, 11:21:31 AM
Thank you alll .... I can feel you all around me

((((HUGS)))) hon
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: daphne on January 19, 2007, 11:23:53 AM
Thank you alll .... I can feel you all around me

(((((((((((((((((((lovely))))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ingmarnicebbmt on January 19, 2007, 11:42:29 AM
 :-*  :-*  :-* Dear lovelyamazing,

my heartfelts thoughts and wishes go to you and to the memory of your dear Mum. All lashers are with you at this painful moment and give you the biggest possible hug - a global one.

It must have been wonderful for her to have you as a daughter, because we all know you as one of the most tender, most special and emotionally rich personalities on this forum, a great and genuine human being.

All my prayers for you, for your Mum's soul and for all the people you know and love around you. All the positive energy, all the strength and courage you need right now in this difficult period ahead of you.

Warm hugs and lasher love,
Ingmar
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: andy/Claude on January 19, 2007, 11:48:48 AM
Thank you alll .... I can feel you all around me

Andy(((((((((((((((((((((LOVELY)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))Andy
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on January 19, 2007, 11:50:51 AM
Once again all you wonderful people I feel loved and nurtured by you all in this difficult hour. I don't think I'll log off the forum tonight. Tomorrow morning is the funeral. we're taking her at 10 am after some prayers in the house. She is in the hospital tonight. Everything according to her wishes, though a little unconventional and very simple.
Hugs to all
Lovely
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: cabin on January 19, 2007, 12:17:12 PM
lovelyamazing,

Even though we've never spoken, please know that I'll be thinking of you during this difficult time.

Gerry (cabin)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Ruby on January 19, 2007, 12:19:37 PM
Once again all you wonderful people I feel loved and nurtured by you all in this difficult hour. I don't think I'll log off the forum tonight. Tomorrow morning is the funeral. we're taking her at 10 am after some prayers in the house. She is in the hospital tonight. Everything according to her wishes, though a little unconventional and very simple.
Hugs to all
Lovely

I wish I could stay here with you honey, but I can't I have to go soon.
Will be thinking of you tomorrow.
((((((((((((lovely))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Tammy on January 19, 2007, 12:54:34 PM
I was so saddened to hear about your mom.  I'm sending you love, strength and many warm thoughts.

I love you, LovelyAm.  Many hugs to you, my friend.

Tammy
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Kirstie on January 19, 2007, 01:25:50 PM
((((Lovely))))

Much love to you and your family.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on January 19, 2007, 02:34:07 PM
lovelyamazing,i don`t thin out paths have crossed here,but i`m thinking of you and your family,This must be such a hard time.
wishing you lots of strenght!!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Melby on January 19, 2007, 02:46:20 PM
Oh Lovely, your wonderful mom added so much to everyone's enjoyment of the forum.

Thinking of you with much love and many prayers. Wishing you some peace.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: freetraveller on January 19, 2007, 02:59:41 PM
lovely,
please accept my deepest condolences. I am sure fond memories of your mum and thoughts of what she meant to you will accompany and comfort you for the rest of your life.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on January 19, 2007, 03:22:28 PM
LovAm, my thoughts and prayers are with you in this time of need.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: beej63 on January 19, 2007, 03:50:04 PM
lovelyamazing, keeping you and your family in my prayers, although I didnt get to chat with your mom on here, from her posts she seemed like a wonderful lady, with alot of love for you..may the memories of her continue to light your days and give you strength..
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovebbm on January 19, 2007, 03:58:59 PM
((((Lovely)))))   :'(

I'm so so sorry.

It was such a gift to have your mother with us here, I can't imagine the gift she was in your life and your family's life.

I can't imagine your grief.

Sending you care. 

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Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: BrokenOkie on January 19, 2007, 04:29:10 PM
Thoughts & prayers for you and your family, LovelyAmazing.

Peace.........
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on January 19, 2007, 04:57:57 PM
LovelyAmazing, we have only spoken a couple of times, but in those times I saw a speciall and loving woman. I know that you received these gifts from your mother. Always remember her as the special person she was and the wonderful things you shared in your life and here as well. How fantastic that you and she shared this part of your life.

Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you at this time and that you have a whole community of shoulders to lean on. I send you peace for your heart. I know that you will miss her, but she is with you always.

Peace and love and hugs to you. I am with you in spirit.

Linda
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: iwishiknew on January 19, 2007, 05:09:44 PM
lovely, you know I often say best what's on my mind with captions. This one's with much love in your loss.
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Hi, lovelysmom. Guess you know who I am. You're welcome to sit a spell with me before
continuing your journey. It gets a little lonesome waitin' for Ennis.


Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Roco on January 19, 2007, 05:12:53 PM
Dear Lovely,

As you already know, you and your mother have been in out thoughts and prayers.
It's not an easy time but it is an unavoidable part of life.

The sweet memories that you have stored, will help you through these difficult times,
and you will have our continued love and support.

Always remember that LOVE transcends all!

Warm Regards,
roco
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on January 19, 2007, 05:15:22 PM
My dearest Lovely,

My deepest condolences upon your mum's passing.  She will be remembered fondly by everyone here, and all of our thoughts are with you and all of your family and friends.

"What though the radiance which was once so bright   
Be now for ever taken from my sight, 
    Though nothing can bring back the hour   
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;   
        We will grieve not, rather find   
        Strength in what remains behind;   
        In the primal sympathy, 
        Which having been must ever be;   
        In the soothing thoughts that spring   
        Out of human suffering;   
        In the faith that looks through death;   
In years that bring the philosophic mind."


-William Wordsworth

Jackie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Lfmamma on January 19, 2007, 05:28:14 PM
{{{{{Lovely}}}}}

You know what's in my heart.  :'(
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: xqsmwa on January 19, 2007, 05:36:14 PM
(((((Lovely)))))

I've just read the sad news of your Mom passing.  I'm so sorry. Your Mom was 'a lively little gal' and she will be sorely missed, but not forgotten.
My thoughts are with you and your family.


Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: thinkin_out_loud on January 19, 2007, 07:17:29 PM
Dear Lovely,
I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet mom. I'd like to share a poem that brought me comfort when my father died. And I'm sending big hugs to you.  :-*
Nancy


Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there; I did not die.

(poem written by Mary Frye -1932)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Uli on January 19, 2007, 07:57:18 PM
Dear Lovely,

I am so sorry for your loss!

I will miss your mom and I wish you all the strength that you will need right now.

I don't know, what else to say. :'(

Hugs 
Uli
 :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: trekfan on January 19, 2007, 08:03:49 PM
Lovely I am very sorry for your loss.  We're all here for you so don't feel you are alone

hugs
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: bobbyanna on January 19, 2007, 10:08:12 PM
Dearest Lovely. I am so very sorry.You and your amazing mother are in my thoughts and prayers.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: DeAnA on January 20, 2007, 12:19:13 AM
Dear Lovely,
I am so sorry about your loss.  We all loved your mom and will miss her sweet posts.  Please know that all of your lasher friends hold you close and will keep you in our prayers.  Please return to us soon, so that we may give you lots of love.
HUGS
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on January 20, 2007, 12:50:06 AM
Dear Lovely,

Our paths haven't crossed here, but I wanted to let you know how sad I was to hear of your mom's passing.  It's clear from all of the wonderful things I've read that she was a sweet woman who touched many people.  My thoughts are with you.

Michael
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: beckela on January 20, 2007, 04:55:06 AM
<<<<<Lovely>>>>>>

The poems posted here are as lovely as you and your mom and express so beautifully the thoughts and prayers we all are sending your way. You are in my thoughts constantly -- I am so glad to have "known" your mom, however briefly. Much love!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: sunny on January 20, 2007, 07:28:18 AM
Darling lovely, can't begin to say how sorry I am to hear your sad news, thinking of you :-*

Gaelic prayer

May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the sun shine warm on your face
May the rain fall gently on your fields
And, until you meet again
May God hold you
In the hollow of his hand
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: janiceinla on January 20, 2007, 09:17:04 AM
Lovely, I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom.  Know you will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.  (((((Lovely)))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: FoS on January 20, 2007, 09:28:45 AM
Ed È Subito Sera

Peter((((((((((Lovely)))))))))))Peter
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: gary-bbm on January 20, 2007, 10:17:20 AM
Lovely, I'm so sorry to hear that your Mom passed away, she has a special place in my heart. As do you, my dear, I am with you in my thoughts. You have the love and support of everyone here, I hope that we can be of help and consolation in your difficult times.
Lots of love,
Gary
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Yeaah on January 20, 2007, 02:11:02 PM
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi114.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fn269%2FYeaah_2006%2Fcopyofbbm012qs4.jpg&hash=388417c3695448e685339ffc15b403d6)

"Do not be afraid, I am with you."

(((((((Lovelysmom)))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: babysany on January 20, 2007, 04:21:38 PM
{{{{{lovely}}}}}

i am deeply saddened to hear the news about your lovely mom.  sending up some prayers for the both of you.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Pug on January 20, 2007, 08:22:18 PM
Lovely,
Please accept my sympathy to you in the loss of your Mom.  I hope you are OK.
Pug
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phare-bzh on January 22, 2007, 01:51:19 AM
Lovely,
I want to express also here my sadness for your terrible loss.
I'll miss a lot Mom,  her curiosity, her mental youth,  her tales abouth her life.
She was a special woman and she'll have a special place in our hearts.
Alex
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nax on January 22, 2007, 02:03:08 AM
Lovelyamazing

I'm thinking of you at this time and holding you in my thoughts, I wish you peace and strength and in addition to the others here - friendship.

N.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on January 22, 2007, 02:54:12 AM
hey lovely, i keep you in my thoughts. lots of love and compassion !
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on January 22, 2007, 06:38:14 AM
Dear Dear Friends :-*
I am overwhelmed by the messages of love,support and comfort I have been receiving since the passing of Lovelysmom on the 19th and all the amazing tributes paid to my wonderful mother. I promise I will be talking to each one of you through pm soon. I just thought I would share a little about her "rites of passage"

It felt like we were both playing parts on a strange stage in some once-in-a-lifetime performance and she was directing the play as well. Amazing! Tomorrow we will carry her ashes to a place called Diamond Harbor, the confluence of three rivers. This place has sweet memories of us as a family, we would drive down there on weekends. Her ashes are in 3 urns and she "sent" me her message about what these urns represent --- one the river by which we live, another the ocean of her birthplace and the third symbolically for Brokeback Mountain. This urn will honor all her unfulfilled wishes and those of others. Anyway the water will find its way up to the mountain.
 :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Jannis on January 22, 2007, 07:02:31 AM
Thank you for sharing that, Lovely. That's beautiful.  :'( :-* :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on January 22, 2007, 07:11:01 AM
LovAm, thank you for taking the time to share that with us.

Continuing to send warm wishes, support and love your way.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on January 22, 2007, 08:57:48 AM
Lovelyamazing...

A year ago this coming Thursday is the first anniversary of my fathers passing. Mom died less than a year and a half before him.

To experience their deaths was painful to say the least, and life changing.

Comfort to you is my wish, may peace be with you in those quiet moments when you find yourself alone...

Warmest hugs,
Rob
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phare-bzh on January 22, 2007, 09:30:49 AM
Lovely

thnaks for describing to us the "passage" your dear Mother will have as a funeral.
it doesn't matter the way it is performed, what is important is that God will receive her soul.

Alex
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mountain boy on January 22, 2007, 11:09:32 AM
 :-\   Thanks for sharing this story with us Lovely.    :-* :-*

God is love.       :'( :)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: rnmina on January 22, 2007, 12:35:12 PM
Dearest Lovely,
You and your mom will all ways be in my heart.
{{{{{{{{lovely's mom}}}}}}}}}}}
I feel so privileged to have met her.
I have the pics you PM'ed me of her, you and other family in my heart all ways.
love all ways,
sass
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: sunny on January 22, 2007, 12:58:59 PM
Lovely that sounds really special, just like your mum was, and it's so deserving that her ashes should be scattered there.
 :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Chad81 on January 22, 2007, 01:03:14 PM
hello everyone,

I have read many of the thoughts on here and I feel in my heart for all of you and my friend lovelyamazing right now who is going through deepest pain of all.  I make a post for lovely in fanfair with some help from adrian and I think for many of you that some type of song might help, so I give the link to my thoughts for lovelyamazing and maybe you can read this thought and listen to these song that might help to make your spirit feel better.  I hope this helps, some beautiful music.  chad.

http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=19114.9615;topicseen
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovebbm on January 22, 2007, 04:56:05 PM
Lovely,
May your day be filled with special blessings. 

((Lovely)) (((Lovelysmom)))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on January 24, 2007, 11:37:49 PM
On this night, the eve before the first anniversary of my father's death... I choose, perhaps not wisely, to watch our movie, Brokeback Mountain, for the thirty-somethingth time, alone... It reminded me of the many changes that have occurred in my life since his passing...

(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi45.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff70%2FRobinpuyallup%2FPA060010_0008.jpg&hash=dc8dc9fd620180355d366cec9bb08762)
(Dad on the left of the photo, myself, and Dad's identical twin, my uncle Harley)

On the morning of Dad's death, a year ago about 12 hours from now, I received a call from Sharon, my stepmothers sister. Crying, she broke the news that Dad had died. We cried together on the phone for a while. We hung up. I sat there on my couch wondering what to do next. I called my sister, (who couldn't care less), tried to call our brothers, couldn't. Realized that I should call my aunt, Dad's sister and my uncle Harley.

I tried to get a hold of my uncle before Sharon called him, thinking someone closer to him should break the news. Seems I was too late... It was a struggle getting a hold of my aunt, she was at work at the nursing home. When I finally got her we cried together as I gave her the news. She would be showing up at Dad's later in the day as I was. As I was leaving home I drove past one of my brothers apartments hoping to find him home so I could give him the sad news. He was there, with his new bride. They'd just married the weekend before and had just gotten home from a church meeting, still in suit and dress. They got in the car and we headed towards Issaquah, the town where Dad and his wife lived.

Dad had been sick, terribly so, with emphysema and frequent bouts of pneumonia. He also had a very "brittle" heart valve waiting to give out. It did that morning, as he was using the bathroom. My stepmother heard him call out as he was slipping to the floor, she got to him, held his head in her lap as he was dying, she told us that afternoon at his home, where his body lay in bed for his wake...

After the group of us arrived at Dad's home, more family members and friends continued to gather. In the diningroom sat refreshments, both food and drink, and folks chatting about Dad, sometimes laughing, sometimes crying. I sat, alone, as usual, in a chair away from the group wondering as I often did how different my life would've been had Dad and Mom not divorced, or how different it would've been had I chosen to move in with Dad and Stepmom when I was 12, when they invited me to...

Mom had died not seventeen months before Dad. I was still dealing with her death when he finally gave up.
____

A couple days after Dad's death Nick replied in PM to a post I left somewhere in this forum, in the "Affected Me" thread, I think. His private message started what has turned out to be the most important relationship I have ever had. We are in day to day contact, literally hours each day, through cell texts, IM's, emails and especially video chats through Skype and AIM. We wouldn't have met without Dad's expected death, without Nick's compassionate PM that encouraged me to write him back...

(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi45.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff70%2FRobinpuyallup%2FNewAPR192006010.jpg&hash=42deb85459683264ffdb67ded523c4d0)
(Nick and me on one of our first photos together)

____

Tomorrow afternoon I will be calling my stepmother to see how she's doing. It's been since last May that I've spoken with her, though we do exchange occasional emails...

I thank you, Dad, for the miracle that has become my life... Without your passing I doubt I would've made the connection with Nicky, I doubt I would've come out of the closet.

Without our movie, without Ennis and Jack, without this forum and especially without our family of forum members, I doubt I'd be where I am now...

My love to you all,
Rob (still heading towards Ardleigh...)

Saturday is Nick and my First Anniversary...

(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi45.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff70%2FRobinpuyallup%2FP1010331.jpg&hash=f5db398a9923a7a364b983b6631f1a84)
Nick, you know how much I love you...
Kisses,
Boo



Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on January 25, 2007, 12:32:59 AM
your dad looked like a fine man rob and he can be so proud of you!!
take care sweets  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on January 25, 2007, 12:33:11 AM

A couple days after Dad's death Nick replied in PM to a post I left somewhere in this forum, in the "Affected Me" thread, I think. His private message started what has turned out to be the most important relationship I have ever had. We are in day to day contact, literally hours each day, through cell texts, IM's, emails and especially video chats through Skype and AIM. We wouldn't have met without Dad's expected death, without Nick's compassionate PM that encouraged me to write him back...



I thank you, Dad, for the miracle that has become my life... Without your passing I doubt I would've made the connection with Nicky, I doubt I would've come out of the closet.

Without our movie, without Ennis and Jack, without this forum and especially without our family of forum members, I doubt I'd be where I am now...

My love to you all,
Rob (still heading towards Ardleigh...)

Saturday is Nick and my First Anniversary...



Thank you Rob for sharing your amazing story with us in detail and all the photographs. It gave me a very positive feeling about my own life ahead and I can believe that good will come out of this and light will come out of the seeming darkness. Let us be in touch ... I see we have much in common.
Lots of love to you both
Lovelyamazing
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on January 25, 2007, 02:50:54 AM
Lovely,

How are you holding up? Still early in the grieving, I know, so much pain I would think.

A shoulder for you here when you need one, warm hugs, too...

Please PM if you'd like,
Rob

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on January 25, 2007, 02:52:23 AM
your dad looked like a fine man rob and he can be so proud of you!!
take care sweets  :-*
Thank you, Conny...

You know you are loved... and missed,
Kisses and hugs,
Rob
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nax on January 25, 2007, 02:57:54 AM
((((((((((((((((((((((((ROB))))))))))))))))))))))))))) with you and you know it.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on January 25, 2007, 02:59:47 AM
((((((((((((((((((((((((ROB))))))))))))))))))))))))))) with you and you know it.

Thank you Neil... I'm feeling it, and it's good, and very welcomed...
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on January 25, 2007, 04:42:01 AM
That's a very cool picture of you between your dad and your Uncle, Rob.  Thanks for sharing.  :-*

mf

p.s. - you seemed much blonder there.  perhaps you are on a 'reverse Lureen' trajectory.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: annabel on January 25, 2007, 04:49:25 AM
Rob, that's the second time you've made me cry.  Thanks
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on January 25, 2007, 04:59:36 AM
That's a very cool picture of you between your dad and your Uncle, Rob.  Thanks for sharing.  :-*

mf

p.s. - you seemed much blonder there.  perhaps you are on a 'reverse Lureen' trajectory.

I love your sense of humor, Mikey, and I love you as well...

(maybe I am in "reverse Lureen trajectory"... could be a good thing, eh?)

 :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on January 25, 2007, 05:00:28 AM
Rob, that's the second time you've made me cry.  Thanks

I hoping that's an okay thing, Anna...
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on January 25, 2007, 05:01:24 AM
I love your sense of humor, Mikey, and I love you as well...

(maybe I am in "reverse Lureen trajectory"... could be a good thing, eh?)

 :-* :-* :-*

I love you too, Rob - and yes, that would be a good thing!

Hugs, kisses and thoughts of you with Nick!

mf  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nick_F on January 25, 2007, 06:23:40 AM
That's a very cool picture of you between your dad and your Uncle, Rob.  Thanks for sharing.  :-*

mf

p.s. - you seemed much blonder there.  perhaps you are on a 'reverse Lureen' trajectory.

I love your sense of humor, Mikey, and I love you as well...

(maybe I am in "reverse Lureen trajectory"... could be a good thing, eh?)

 :-* :-* :-*

Oh absolutely!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nax on January 25, 2007, 06:29:03 AM
That's a very cool picture of you between your dad and your Uncle, Rob.  Thanks for sharing.  :-*

mf

p.s. - you seemed much blonder there.  perhaps you are on a 'reverse Lureen' trajectory.

I love your sense of humor, Mikey, and I love you as well...

(maybe I am in "reverse Lureen trajectory"... could be a good thing, eh?)

 :-* :-* :-*

Oh absolutely!
Theres a whole thread there..... but not here.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Caithness on January 25, 2007, 06:35:46 AM
Lovelyamazing,

I have not visited this thread in several weeks, and am therefore late, as usual.

I am so very saddened to learn of your Mum's passing.  All I can offer is boundless empathy with you.  Well, that, and alongside so many others, a reasonably strong shoulder to lean on if you need it.

For 11 years, I was sole caregiver for my Mum and my Dad, both of whom had, and subsequently died as a consequence of, Alzheimer's disease.  As you will understand, it was so difficult to watch those precious individuals ever so slowly disappear before my very eyes.

During the 5 years I worked, as a priest, in war zones in southern Africa, I never had time to mourn those many around me who were senselessly murdered, for there was simply too much to do.  After leaving Africa, owing to my own illness and gunshot wounds, I quickly came to realise that I had been in a constant state of grief, and I promptly fell apart.

The same dynamic occurred during my care for Mum and Dad.  There was no time to grieve for there was so much to do, yet I was grieving all the while.  As is the case with so many other people, I am terrific in a crisis situation.  It is afterwards that I collapse into a heap.

I understand, intimately, how you feel and the process through which you are going.  How glad I am that you are surrounded by the dear, loving individuals in this forum.

You and your Mum are now in my thoughts and my meditations, and there you shall remain.

Malcolm
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on January 25, 2007, 07:28:00 AM
You and your Mum are now in my thoughts and my meditations, and there you shall remain.

Malcolm

(((((((Malcolm)))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: sugarcheryl on January 25, 2007, 12:11:29 PM
Lovelyamazing, my heart goes out to you and your family on the loss of your Mom. No words of wisdom to give....just know that "time heals all wounds". Take care of yourself honey.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on January 25, 2007, 12:46:49 PM
On this night, the eve before the first anniversary of my father's death... I choose, perhaps not wisely, to watch our movie, Brokeback Mountain, for the thirty-somethingth time, alone... It reminded me of the many changes that have occurred in my life since his passing...

(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi45.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff70%2FRobinpuyallup%2FPA060010_0008.jpg&hash=dc8dc9fd620180355d366cec9bb08762)
(Dad on the left of the photo, myself, and Dad's identical twin, my uncle Harley)


Dear Rob,

I remember you sharing this story and this photo with me, oh so many months ago on this Forum.

Having finally met you in person, just last week, you know that my thoughts are with you at this difficult time and I wish you nothing but peace with your thoughts, and a future only filled with love and joy.

Hugs my dear friend.

Dan
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on January 25, 2007, 03:03:28 PM
((((((((((((ROB)))))))))))))))

I love you and I love Nick, and I wish you all the best together.

That such wonder came out of tragedy is astonishing.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on January 25, 2007, 03:16:46 PM
((((((ROB))))))
My thoughts have been with you all day today my very best friend and brother!
Know that we are here and that you are loved and thought of by many!
Linda :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on January 25, 2007, 04:06:23 PM
Here's a rather strange one:  this week I found out that one of the conductors on the train I take up and back to work died on Jan. 19 in a car crash.  Tom was a big goofy guy - but he was always in a good mood and you could tell that he really liked people.  He clearly wasn't always the most perceptive person in the world - in one of our last conversations I was talking about gay bashing and he said 'you mean you're gay?'  It lead to a really good conversation (he told me about how his coworker - a meticulous dresser - was always getting hit on by guys).  We had lots of laughs.

Sarah, a friend who I introduced to Linda while she was here, told me about this on Tuesday.  I find I'm quite sad about it.  He was only in his 40s or so and one of the other conductors was just telling me he had decided that he had made enough money and that he was going to stop working and have a good time.

So here's to you Tom!  Have a good time running those trains in heaven, buddy!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on January 25, 2007, 05:56:59 PM
Here's a rather strange one: this week I found out that one of the conductors on the train I take up and back to work died on Jan. 19 in a car crash. Tom was a big goofy guy - but he was always in a good mood and you could tell that he really liked people. He clearly wasn't always the most perceptive person in the world - in one of our last conversations I was talking about gay bashing and he said 'you mean you're gay?' It lead to a really good conversation (he told me about how his coworker - a meticulous dresser - was always getting hit on by guys). We had lots of laughs.

Sarah, a friend who I introduced to Linda while she was here, told me about this on Tuesday. I find I'm quite sad about it. He was only in his 40s or so and one of the other conductors was just telling me he had decided that he had made enough money and that he was going to stop working and have a good time.

So here's to you Tom! Have a good time running those trains in heaven, buddy!



Nothing strange about it Michael.  You and he were friends.  You may not have shared a lot of time together, or talked about deeply personal things, but you saw each other often, and talked to each other.

I'm sorry that you are missing your friend.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: janiceinla on January 25, 2007, 07:21:38 PM
Rob, as I read about the anniversary of your Dad’s passing, and with the recent passing of Lovely’s Mom, I decided to share some thoughts on the passing of my own parents.  Today felt appropriate.

I, too, lost my Dad 14 years ago today.  His death was rather sudden.  Mom was having outpatient cataract surgery and when the doctor came to the waiting room to discuss the procedure, he noticed my Dad’s distress and immediately sent him to the hospital that happened to be next door.  He had been having a heart attack and we accepted he could not do some of the things he had done in the past.  Our joy that it had not been worse was short-lived when he had a second heart attack while in the hospital.  God was merciful and took him a few days later, before we were forced to make the horrible decision to take him off life support. 

Mom’s death was much quicker.  Long story short, she told a friend that had come over that she felt like she was going to pass out and wham, she was gone.  That was 11 years ago.

The passing of Lovely’s mom, the story about your dad, the anniversary of Dad’s death and the fact that we recently purchased my brother’s half of my parents home have suddenly brought back so many emotions.  Lovely, it’s going to take time, as I’m sure Rob can verify.  To this day, years later, little things will set me off and make me cry.  Dad, hubby and I went to a Tulane homecoming game and the group America was performing after the game.  I have a very vivid and wonderful memory of that night.  The football game had ended, the 3 of us were sitting in the Superdome and as I was rocking out to the music, I looked over to see my hubby trying to take a nap (at a concert??) and my dad shoving paper in his ears to muffle the sound.  He wasn’t the least bit interested in the music but was more than happy to stay because I was enjoying myself so much.  Every single time I heard Sister Golden Hair after he was gone, I’d start to cry.  I finally bought their CD and played it, a lot, to help me get over that feeling.  It still is, to this day, one of my favorite songs. 

Memories.  Even though we no longer have our loved ones, we have our memories to cherish forever.  Lovely, I know there will be moments of missing your Mom that will seem unbearable but rest assured, you will also have times of joy as look back on your memories of your Mom.  What little I know of her, I loved her spirit and love of life.  She shared these things with you as well as her love for Jake.

Rob, I had no idea that it was the passing of your father that brought you and Nick together.  One door closes, another opens.  It’s wonderful that your life has taken this turn that has made you so happy.

Please forgive me for going on.  After reading Rob’s post, this is something I wanted to do but believe me, it wasn’t easy, especially today.  I mentioned to Adrian that I wish I had this support group when I lost my parents.  I must say, finding this forum has added so much to my life.  Thank you my friends.

(((((Rob))))) (((((Lovelyamazing))))) (((((All my new friends)))))

Janice
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on January 25, 2007, 08:07:01 PM
Janice, thank you so much for taking the time to write up this post, and share it with us.


(((((((Janice)))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on January 25, 2007, 08:43:35 PM
Dear Rob,

I remember you sharing this story and this photo with me, oh so many months ago on this Forum.

Having finally met you in person, just last week, you know that my thoughts are with you at this difficult time and I wish you nothing but peace with your thoughts, and a future only filled with love and joy.

Hugs my dear friend.

Dan

Dan

Thank you, I know that there are still moments when thoughts of Scott enter your mind and warm your day...

You take care now that the real life has made it's comeback for you...

Hugs back,
Rob

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on January 25, 2007, 08:44:30 PM
Oh Janice,hon.........much hugs to you...I'm glad we're here for you now.

(((JANICE)))

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on January 25, 2007, 08:50:50 PM
((((((((((((ROB)))))))))))))))

I love you and I love Nick, and I wish you all the best together.

That such wonder came out of tragedy is astonishing.

Thank you for sharing your story.



Fritz,

Your long relationship with Earl is great encouragement for me... it has shown me and many others that a relationship such as yours is truely that, one based on love and companionship, and just as worthy as any other. One day, hopefully soon, relationships such as yours and Earl's will be recognized and appreciated by our society just as those of our mixed gendered counterparts...

You have my love, and Nick's too, I'm sure,
Warm hugs,
Rob
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on January 25, 2007, 08:54:54 PM
((((((ROB))))))
My thoughts have been with you all day today my very best friend and brother!
Know that we are here and that you are loved and thought of by many!
Linda :-*

Thank you, Linda,

I just got off the phone with my stepmother, she'll be in town next Wednesday, she and I will be having dinner together, touching base, sharing memories... She knows about Nick, not exactly everything about him, perhaps, but she asked about him, seems curious. Perhaps if the feeling is right she'll get to know more...

My love to you, sweet Lil' Sis,
Hugs,
Rob
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on January 25, 2007, 08:59:29 PM
Here's a rather strange one:  this week I found out that one of the conductors on the train I take up and back to work died on Jan. 19 in a car crash.  Tom was a big goofy guy - but he was always in a good mood and you could tell that he really liked people.  He clearly wasn't always the most perceptive person in the world - in one of our last conversations I was talking about gay bashing and he said 'you mean you're gay?'  It lead to a really good conversation (he told me about how his coworker - a meticulous dresser - was always getting hit on by guys).  We had lots of laughs.

Sarah, a friend who I introduced to Linda while she was here, told me about this on Tuesday.  I find I'm quite sad about it.  He was only in his 40s or so and one of the other conductors was just telling me he had decided that he had made enough money and that he was going to stop working and have a good time.

So here's to you Tom!  Have a good time running those trains in heaven, buddy!

Sometimes the passing of an acquaintance can hit us as hard as a family member... reminds one of the preciousness of life, it's shortness, and how important it is to treat everyone in every passing moment with respect and compassion.

You bring great humor to the forum Michael, you're downright outrageous at times, even.

Your charm keeps us going!

Big wet kiss right on the lips, Sir,
Rob
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on January 25, 2007, 09:11:18 PM
Janice...

My mothers death lasted four years. From diagnosis, treatment for breast, then brain cancer, to the loss of her "personality", to the death of the body that held it. Mom died long before her body did due to the brain cancer and the radiation treatment for it...

Dad hung on much longer than we thought he would. It was less than a week after Mom's burial that I heard of the critical condition that Dad was in. He was placed on hospice care at home, due to his emphysema and heart condition and lived, consciously until his death from August 2004 until January 2006. He was in pain for much of that time, occasionally a bit forgetful, (he was 74 afterall), but able to be his sweet loveable funny self until the very end. Due to circumstances I did not see him after the middle of October, 2005, though...

Sudden death like that of your mother's had to be a great shock, no time to say "goodbye" or "I love you", just like I wasn't able to say those words to my father, after that October...

Hugs to you, Janice, thank you for sharing your story,
Rob
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on January 25, 2007, 09:18:38 PM
Sometimes the passing of an acquaintance can hit us as hard as a family member... reminds one of the preciousness of life, it's shortness, and how important it is to treat everyone in every passing moment with respect and compassion.

You bring great humor to the forum Michael, you're downright outrageous at times, even.

Your charm keeps us going!

Big wet kiss right on the lips, Sir,
Rob

Why thank you!  :-[ :D
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on January 25, 2007, 09:34:20 PM
:-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: bbmbliss on January 26, 2007, 01:00:10 AM
Sometimes the passing of an acquaintance can hit us as hard as a family member... reminds one of the preciousness of life, it's shortness, and how important it is to treat everyone in every passing moment with respect and compassion.


This is so right Rob - thanks.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on January 26, 2007, 01:21:02 AM
Years ago, after my grandma's funeral, priest said to her children "the only thing we owe to those who have died, the only debt we have to pay, is to live to the fullest."

((((((((((((((((Rob))))))))))))))))))

You know I just read this post and I'm thinking how true ... I'm trying now to do this as much as possible.
Thank you for these words
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: janiceinla on January 26, 2007, 06:50:18 AM
Janice, thank you so much for taking the time to write up this post, and share it with us.


(((((((Janice)))))))

Thank you Chuck.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: janiceinla on January 26, 2007, 06:54:32 AM
Oh Janice,hon.........much hugs to you...I'm glad we're here for you now.

(((JANICE)))

Nellie

Thanks Nellie.  I thought I could come in here at work, look at the responses and reply but tears are rolling down my cheeks as I write.  Chuck, please forgive the short reply.  I will come back to this thread tonight when I get home or tomorrow but I just can't do this right now.  Please understand.  Thanks.

Janice
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on January 26, 2007, 10:24:25 AM
As I often discover on this forum, I've visited the serious threads like this one, offered support, but never really shared any of my own experiences, other than brief stories.


This May will mark the 4th year since I lost my grandmother, my mom's mom.

She did not have an easy life, having "had to" get married, and spent her entire life with a man that was verbally abusive towards her.  My mom was their only child.

Gram was quick to anger, because of her situation, but she never took it out on her grandkids.  However, we could tell she was not happy.

Near the end, her behavior started to get very erratic, and she was diagnosed with Dementia, and we were fortunate to find a great Alzheimer’s facility with a caring staff, and she was able to end her life surrounded by caring people.

We received a call from the facility one morning, that gram had been taken to the hospital, unable to take decent breaths.  Her lungs were filling with fluid, and she was diagnosed with emphysema.  She never smoked a day in her life, but Gramp's 2 pack a day habit had its affect on her as well.  When we got to the hospital, they had drained her lungs, and she was breathing again.  However, we were told this was not a good situation.

Not long after, we got a similar call, and they took gram to the hospital, and mom went with her.  Dad, my brothers and I were at home, as the facility was about an hour ride away.  Gram was always afraid of doctors and needles, and mom could hear her mother screaming in the room when the doctors approached her.  She called the facility, and they told mom to let gram stay in the hospital overnight, and to discharge her the next day, and have her come back to the Alzheimer’s facility.  Not to worry, they would take care of everything.

When mom got gram back there the next day, they had taken a spare room, and given it a fresh coat of blue paint, hung up pictures, and moved in two beds, one for gram, and one for mom.  They told her she could sleep there, and would provide meals for mom as well.

Gram held in for another week, and Mom lived there for that week with Gram.  Due to work issues, we were unable to go each night, but we called and talked to mom every night.

Saturday came, and mom called to say Gram was failing, and we piled in the cars, and drove as quickly as we could.  We got there to see mom in the room, and Gram in the bed, but it was not quick enough, and by the time we got there, Gram had crossed over.

Mom said it was peaceful, and that she preferred it be this way, so she had private time with her mother, to say what she had to say.

I've had many conversations with mom over her time alone with gram, and I believe her when she says she was glad it was just her and her mom in the room, but to be honest, I still carry much guilt over the fact that mom (who had always been there when we needed her) had to face the death of her mother alone.


There is a silver lining here.  The Alzheimer’s facility decided to keep the room that gram & mom stayed in as a "hospice room", and any future family members that want to do what mom did with her mom, can stay there with their family member in peace, and since gram was the first person to stay there, they have named the room after her in her honor.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on January 26, 2007, 10:47:04 AM
Chucky,

What a touching story...so glad you decided to share with us. It's hard to really understand that for your mom,this was important for her to be alone with her mom . Even though she was alone,the strength your mom got to get her going was right there....in that room ,alone. Having anyone else there would of changed things for her. Of course loving your mom you feel the need to protect her...but let me tell ya, mom's can hold their own...I'm a mom too,so I know. That's what makes us strong and that's what teaches us to keep the family together. Having your support and that of the rest of the family afterwards is what it's all about...

Hugs hon...

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on January 26, 2007, 12:11:13 PM

I've had many conversations with mom over her time alone with gram, and I believe her when she says she was glad it was just her and her mom in the room, but to be honest, I still carry much guilt over the fact that mom (who had always been there when we needed her) had to face the death of her mother alone.


There is a silver lining here.  The Alzheimer’s facility decided to keep the room that gram & mom stayed in as a "hospice room", and any future family members that want to do what mom did with her mom, can stay there with their family member in peace, and since gram was the first person to stay there, they have named the room after her in her honor.

That's a beautiful story Chuck ... thanks for sharing. I agree with Nellie about the strength of moms -- though I'm not one myself I could get the vibes from my beloved mom till the end.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on January 26, 2007, 12:47:32 PM
Wonderful, Chuck. Thank you.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on January 26, 2007, 03:46:09 PM
Here's a rather strange one:  this week I found out that one of the conductors on the train I take up and back to work died on Jan. 19 in a car crash.  Tom was a big goofy guy - but he was always in a good mood and you could tell that he really liked people.  He clearly wasn't always the most perceptive person in the world - in one of our last conversations I was talking about gay bashing and he said 'you mean you're gay?'  It lead to a really good conversation (he told me about how his coworker - a meticulous dresser - was always getting hit on by guys).  We had lots of laughs.

Sarah, a friend who I introduced to Linda while she was here, told me about this on Tuesday.  I find I'm quite sad about it.  He was only in his 40s or so and one of the other conductors was just telling me he had decided that he had made enough money and that he was going to stop working and have a good time.

So here's to you Tom!  Have a good time running those trains in heaven, buddy!

Thanks for mentioning this Michael, as I think I remember you and Sarah speaking of Tom when we were together.
I am sorry for his family's loss and for yours as well.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on February 01, 2007, 08:53:42 AM
Today is my mother-in-law's birthday....sweet memories are flooding my head and I feel such a warmth inside. The pain still hurts but I can move on and smile.

Happy Birthday, Mary....I love you!!

To My Other Mother

 You are the other Mother I received,
the day I wed your son
And I want to thank you Mom,
for the loving things you've done.

You've given me a gracious Man,
with whom I share my life
You are his lovely Mother,
and I his lucky Wife.

You used to pat his little head,
and now I hold his hand
You raised in love a little boy,
and then gave me the Man.
 

Nellie
 
 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on February 01, 2007, 10:12:19 AM
((((((((((((((((((Nellie))))))))))))))))))))))  All my love, sis.   :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Lola on February 01, 2007, 10:20:59 AM
Mom said it was peaceful, and that she preferred it be this way, so she had private time with her mother, to say what she had to say.

I've had many conversations with mom over her time alone with gram, and I believe her when she says she was glad it was just her and her mom in the room, but to be honest, I still carry much guilt over the fact that mom (who had always been there when we needed her) had to face the death of her mother alone.


Chuck this just struck a chord with me,  because I was alone with my Mom when she died.  And it didn't seem odd to me at all, just the way it should be.  I wouldn't have changed it for the world.

My Dad was home that day and so was my husband and boys.

I know sometimes people have the whole family around, but we/she never wanted that.  I know my boys also feel guitly about it, but I try and explain to them, it was what Grandma wanted. 

(((HUGS)))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: All4one on February 01, 2007, 11:33:40 AM
I was alone with my dad when he died. ( I talked about it a few days ago in the thread about support for those who are quiiting smoking. )
It was just right that way. We were in the hospital, and it was so peaceful that I didn't even go look for the nurse for half an hour.

Having that comforting space named for your grandmother is a lovely honor for your family,Chuck.  :)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on February 01, 2007, 03:54:18 PM
Same for me, at Rick's death. Both boys and both his best friends had been there all night, and I sent everyone home about 7AM and told everyone to get some rest.

He was lasting longer than the doctors had anticipated, for by this time he was on comfort care, and we were told that he would not last the night. He proved them wrong.

I was the only one with him for the next hour and a half. I finally leaned over and whispered to him that  it was OK for him to go, that I would be alright. I was holding his hand and his heart stopped about 15 minutes later.

As Donna stated, it was the right way, as he had been staying around for us all. It was a beautiful moment, and I too just sat with him for awhile.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on February 01, 2007, 05:17:37 PM
(((((((((((((((((EVERYONE)))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on February 01, 2007, 08:27:06 PM
Linda,

As I read what you wrote about Rick's passing I recalled my grandmothers... She died twelve years ago last November. The last week of her life she had come down with pneumonia. Several days into the illness she slipped into unconsciousness. For several afternoons I would go to my sisters home, holding Grandma's hand recalling childhood memories as she lay there, seeming asleep.

I was getting up to leave from my last visit with her, still holding her hand I kissed her forehead and told her that I loved her. She mouthed those same words back to me. First time she had attempted to say anything in many days. About six hours later my sister called to tell me that Grandma had died...

Sad memories, those, but happy that I have them...

Warm hugs to you Lil' Sis,
Rob
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on February 01, 2007, 08:46:16 PM
Thanks, Big Bro!
I was just thinking of you, and as always your words are so very welcome and bring me much peace and solace.
Thank you for the story of your Grandmother. I DO know that even though seemingly asleep or not conscious, they Do hear us. We both know this!
Love to you as always,
and always welcome your hugs!
Linda
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on February 01, 2007, 09:09:43 PM

I was the only one with him for the next hour and a half. I finally leaned over and whispered to him that  it was OK for him to go, that I would be alright. I was holding his hand and his heart stopped about 15 minutes later.



You know if I had had the courage and the detachment to do as you did, my mother might have faced less pain. I look back on this now and reflect.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on February 01, 2007, 10:39:22 PM

You know if I had had the courage and the detachment to do as you did, my mother might have faced less pain. I look back on this now and reflect.
Lovely, do not second guess anything you did, or did not do for your mother.  NO ONE knows what the right answers are, we just do what we can at the time.  Please do not assume that "detachment' or "courage" would have made a difference. You loved your mother and did what you could.  I would bet that she knew that.  If you beat yourself up about the "what if's" it will do you no good, nor will it change anything.  Loving hugs, sweet sister.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on February 02, 2007, 03:26:22 AM
You loved your mother and did what you could.  I would bet that she knew that.  If you beat yourself up about the "what if's" it will do you no good, nor will it change anything.  Loving hugs, sweet sister.

((((((((Jackie)))))))))) :-* :-* :-* :-*

I have before me the beautiful poem you posted ...I have derived strength and solace from your words.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on February 02, 2007, 09:19:37 AM
Oh, Lovely.... :'(  Biggest hugs, dear heart.  :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on February 02, 2007, 09:49:10 AM
Oh, Lovely.... :'(  Biggest hugs, dear heart.  :-* :-* :-*

(((((((Jackie)))))) again. I do feel much better when I see you around.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Bobbie on February 06, 2007, 08:45:09 AM
My childhood friend died last week of a rare form of cancer.  I could not go to the burial, so I'm writing this post as the funeral is taking place.

Stevie was the best playmate I ever had.  He was creative and joyful and inclusive and loving!

We actually married when he was 5 and I was 7.  I carried a small bouquet of honeysuckle picked by the groom.  He wore two hats and officiated the ceremony as well.  We said our vows infront of a plastic Virgin Mary while my Grandmother served as Maid-of-Honor.  After the ceremony, the happy couple and guest enjoyed a 'wedding tea' organized by the groom.  The entire event was actually initiated by my dear friend.  That memory has stayed so vivid in my memory, I can still smell the sweetness of the honeysuckle and the shock when Stevie grabbed me and kissed me on the cheek once he pronounced we were married.  ::) :o

As we grew up and became teens, I didn't really see Stevie that much.  Occaisionally he'd come by the annual neighborhood block party, but as each year passed, he was around less and less.  Finally, well in to my 30s I heard the whispers from my Aunt and Grandmother.  I heard the same whispers from my Aunt last week when she called to tell me Stevie had died.  I knew, always knew Stevie was gay.  It was never something for me to whisper since it was just the way he was and the way God made him.  He was active in Dignity, became a very successful Architect and had a partner he was devoted to. 

I never met nor was introduced to his partner at the viewing last night. I wasn't even sure who it was and didn't want to make the wrong assumption, so I stayed quiet and respectful.  No one in his family made an attempt to introduce me to him, and there was no sense of interaction between his siblings and the group of gay men standing around his coffin, so I just stayed quiet and prayerful.  His partner was mentioned in his obituary, so I'm assuming the family was aware and open to who Stevie was and how he lived his life.  I wish I'd taken the time to catch up with him.  The last time I saw him was at his Fathers funeral and he was healthy and happy.  We'd promised to contact each other, but alas it never happened.

So today I'm sad, but thankful for having been Stevie's friend even if it was so long ago.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on February 06, 2007, 09:03:01 AM
((Bobbie))

Thinking of you and hugging you tight. It is painful when life is cut off short and you think you have time. Being his friend made him happy too and I'm sure during his last days of his life, he laid there and remembered exactly what you just described.  I'm sure he reflected on everything that he held dear to him,you included.

I'll keep him in my prayers and also his partner. I'm sure he's having a hard time....you're in my thoughts as well,hon

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on February 06, 2007, 09:04:02 AM
{{{{{{{BOBBIE}}}}}}}
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on February 06, 2007, 09:14:01 AM
Bobbie, sending you warm hugs and love during this time of sadness.

Thank you for sharing this story, it was adorable.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: babysany on February 06, 2007, 11:07:06 AM
{{{{Bobbie}}}}

Thanks for sharing.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Bobbie on February 06, 2007, 01:58:08 PM
Thanks so much everybody for your kind words.  It's been a very sad day for me, but my heart is happy that others know about Stevie and have prayed or thought about him today.  XO

Bobbie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: brian on February 06, 2007, 02:04:26 PM
Hugs also from me, Bobbie
I know what it is to lose your best childhood friend. My straight friend, Peter died a few years ago. We knew it was coming for 2 years but he lived in another city 4 hours drive away and as he was often too ill to have visitors he did not want me to drive all that way for nothing but we did talk on the phone about school days.  I had kept my secret from him  for many years then one day he wrote me he had accepted the position of Principal in a narrow church school and I wrote about myself and criticised him for going there.  His reply was full of acceptance ,upset I should think otherwise, and he ended up only staying at that school a short while.  At his memorial service his son, who was studying for the ministry, said something like "We are taught that not everyone will understand the concept of a loving heavenly Father because of their own home experiences but I just pray that God will be as loving and caring as my father was."  I still weep when I remember that. 
Peter also told me that I should tell another common friend that I was gay and I finally did as we drove home together from the service. He has also been wonderfully accepting. How often we worry about losing friends by being open and usually it is for nothing.
I have found that friends from childhood can have very special bonds because they develop when our lives are so uncomplicated. Even though we may separate for years due to later circumstances, the bond seems to be so quickly renewed when we meet again,
More hugs.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: BrokenOkie on February 06, 2007, 02:18:31 PM
(((Bobbie)))

Thinking of you, Stevie, his partner, family & friends during this difficult time.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on February 06, 2007, 03:56:54 PM
((((((((BOBBIE))))))))))), so sorry about your loss, as well as of your friend's partner.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on February 07, 2007, 03:27:01 AM
My childhood friend died last week of a rare form of cancer.  I could not go to the burial, so I'm writing this post as the funeral is taking place.

Stevie was the best playmate I ever had.  He was creative and joyful and inclusive and loving!

We actually married when he was 5 and I was 7.  I carried a small bouquet of honeysuckle picked by the groom.  He wore two hats and officiated the ceremony as well.  We said our vows infront of a plastic Virgin Mary while my Grandmother served as Maid-of-Honor.  After the ceremony, the happy couple and guest enjoyed a 'wedding tea' organized by the groom.  The entire event was actually initiated by my dear friend.  That memory has stayed so vivid in my memory, I can still smell the sweetness of the honeysuckle and the shock when Stevie grabbed me and kissed me on the cheek once he pronounced we were married.  ::) :o
What a sweet and touching story (((((((Bobbie))))))

Quote
  We'd promised to contact each other, but alas it never happened.

So today I'm sad, but thankful for having been Stevie's friend even if it was so long ago.

It happens so often to so many of us honey ---- I can well understand that feeling of something that can't happen any more, it's happened to me too, but you derive solace from the fact that you always accepted and stood by him, deep within your heart.
Love to you :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on February 07, 2007, 09:05:18 AM
(((Bobbie))) My heart goes out to you, and to Steve's partner and family.   :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Bobbie on February 07, 2007, 09:13:26 AM
Wow, you all are just wonderful and filled with love.  It has made his loss easier to handle.  I will go visit his grave in the next week or two and leave flowers there remembering you all who have offered such sweet condolences.

Hugs, Bobbie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mountain boy on February 08, 2007, 08:58:26 PM
So today I'm sad, but thankful for having been Stevie's friend even if it was so long ago.
So sorry to hear about this Bobbie. Thanks for sharing your stories; wishing you the best.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on February 09, 2007, 07:25:11 PM
I DO know that even though seemingly asleep or not conscious, they Do hear us.

I realized that too.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on February 11, 2007, 07:19:41 PM
Tomorrow, February 12th would have been Scott's 43rd Birthday.

I will bring flowers to his bench on my way to work, something I do every time.

I've often talked about fate.

As many of you know, I met another Scott last fall. The dating part didn't work out, but we have become best friends. A few weeks ago he asked if I would like to go on a trip with him. After confirming that he was serious, I said yes. Today we booked a trip to Greece for October.

Now the interesting part of all of this is that I had always wanted to take my first Scott to Greece for a holiday. I've been there three times before I met Scott(I).

To book this trip with Scott(II) the day before Scott (I)'s birthday is fate at it's best.

When we go, I will leave some of Scott's (I) ashes on the Acropolis. That way he will be there for ever.

My love for Scott (I) will never diminish. My love for Scott (II) will only grow.

Hugs to all of you, my friends and "family".

love,

Dan

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on February 11, 2007, 07:23:54 PM
Oh, Dan...to leave Scott's (I) ashes on the Acropolis, that place of seemingly everlasting life...bless you, and him, always.  As for Scott (II).  May you find what you need together:  love, friendship, what ever it is.  Blessings upon you both.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on February 11, 2007, 07:31:49 PM
Thinking of you, Dan and both your Scotts.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on February 11, 2007, 07:51:43 PM
thinking of you, Dan.....thanks for sharing that story.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on February 11, 2007, 08:33:58 PM
Dan,

You spoke to me about your hopes for a trip to Greece... I'm glad that you're able to return, this time with both of your Scott's.

Hugs,
Rob
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on February 12, 2007, 04:55:54 AM
Dan,

Thinking of you and Scott today....((hugs))

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nax on February 12, 2007, 06:51:28 AM
Dan

Thinking of you, what you have you cannot lose, what you've lost can never be replaced, what the future gives you is in your hands.

N.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on February 12, 2007, 10:03:54 AM
Dan,
Thank you so much for sharing this wonderful story with us, the love of your past and the growing love of your future!
I spread my husbands ashes in his favorite place in the world, the place he as the happiest and the most at peace.
I kept some back for some unknown reason at that time, but know now that I will take them with me as I embark on my future and he will be with me and I will be able to scatter some more in the new place I will call home and over the ocean, which was his second love.

Thanks for sharing this with us and for giving me clarification in my life as well.

Peace be with you on this day.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nick_F on February 12, 2007, 01:38:39 PM
Dan

Hugs

N
xx
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Boris on February 12, 2007, 01:51:09 PM
Dan

Thank you.

(((((((((((((Dan))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on February 12, 2007, 07:41:36 PM
Thank you all for your kind words and support.

This morning, on my way to work, I stopped off at the Bench to leave flowers. It was dark out still and minus 35 Celsius, but the park was magical.

I didn't realize that all of the sculptures are lit, and the reflection with the snow was amazing.

It was one of those moments.....
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on February 13, 2007, 05:55:56 AM
(((dan)))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on February 13, 2007, 08:26:15 AM
Wonderful Dan..............((( HUGS )))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nax on February 14, 2007, 08:27:59 AM
You’ll remember me when the west wind moves
Among the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold

Many years have passed since those summer days
Among the fields of barley
See the children run as the sun goes down
As you lie in fields of gold

You’ll remember me when the west wind moves
Among the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on February 27, 2007, 11:59:20 PM
i am writing this message for beruthiel.
her mom was very sick and although she and i tried to help her with reiki energy and everyone did their best, her mom died yesterday!
Beruthiel is going to the city where her mom lived today,and will bring her laptop,so she can be in touch with the forum.
I think she needs our support and that it will help her a lot.

Beruthiel,already talked to you trough pm,again my condolances,have a safe trip and your in my thoughts!!
take care sweety.

hugs
conny
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on February 28, 2007, 12:09:20 AM
i am writing this message for beruthiel.
her mom was very sick and although she and i tried to help her with reiki energy and everyone did their best, her mom died yesterday!
Beruthiel is going to the city where her mom lived today,and will bring her laptop,so she can be in touch with the forum.
I think she needs our support and that it will help her a lot.

Beruthiel,already talked to you trough pm,again my condolances,have a safe trip and your in my thoughts!!
take care sweety.

hugs
conny

{{{{{{{Beruthiel}}}}}}}
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on February 28, 2007, 03:21:41 AM
Conny thanks for sharing this with us and I just wanted to know that I am thinkig of You in this time of loss!
We are all here for you and I know that everyone is sending you many wonderful thoughts.
I am truly sorry for the loss of your mom!
Linda
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on February 28, 2007, 03:23:15 AM
i'm so sorry for your loss, beruthiel. i'm sure your mum is at a better place now...  (((hugs)))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on February 28, 2007, 04:51:30 AM
Beruthiel, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Sending you love, positive thoughts, and hugs at this difficult time.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on February 28, 2007, 05:16:45 AM
Conny thanks for sharing this with us and I just wanted to know that I am thinkig of You in this time of loss!
We are all here for you and I know that everyone is sending you many wonderful thoughts.
I am truly sorry for the loss of your mom!
Linda

linda sweets,it isnt about my mom,but beruthiel has lost her mom.
(mine is having surgery on the tumor in two weeks)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: beruthiel on February 28, 2007, 07:57:36 AM
Thanks, everyone.

I am still at home, sort of in limbo--still trying to contact people, making sure eveything is settled at work, waiting for phone calls etc.  It's nice to have the forum, especially the distraction of the "Lashers thread.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on February 28, 2007, 10:05:38 AM
Beruthiel,

As someone who has gained much comfort from this Thread and the wonderful people who post here, my thoughts are with you at this difficult time.

Remember the good times. And remember that they will always be with you, looking out for you, whenever you need it most.

Dan
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on February 28, 2007, 10:13:17 AM
Beruthiel, please accept my condolences on your mother's passing.  You, and all of your family, are in my thoughts.

(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi50.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff334%2Fpaintedshoes%2Fwithsympathywhiteflower.jpg&hash=10f90f045928840d133c7cda3c8258f0)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: brian on February 28, 2007, 01:38:10 PM
Beruthiel
I will never forget the messages from this thread when my mother died last year. My thoughts and prayers are for you at this time.
Hugs
Brian
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: beruthiel on March 05, 2007, 07:46:57 PM
Thanks again, everyone. I appreciate your good wishes.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on March 06, 2007, 09:02:08 AM
Thanks, everyone.

I am still at home, sort of in limbo--still trying to contact people, making sure eveything is settled at work, waiting for phone calls etc.  It's nice to have the forum, especially the distraction of the "Lashers thread.

sweetheart,

My heart goes out to you....please know I'm thinking of you and your mom and keeping you in my prayers

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on March 08, 2007, 03:41:18 AM
Thanks, everyone.

I am still at home, sort of in limbo--still trying to contact people, making sure eveything is settled at work, waiting for phone calls etc.  It's nice to have the forum, especially the distraction of the "Lashers thread.
(((((((beruthiel))))))
I just looked in and came across this news.
My heart is with you. I know what you're feeling having gone through it myself so recently.
Lovely
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nax on March 08, 2007, 04:06:21 AM
Thanks, everyone.

I am still at home, sort of in limbo--still trying to contact people, making sure eveything is settled at work, waiting for phone calls etc.  It's nice to have the forum, especially the distraction of the "Lashers thread.
(((((((beruthiel))))))
I just looked in and came across this news.
My heart is with you. I know what you're feeling having gone through it myself so recently.
Lovely
Ditto, I find it hard to come here due to recent loss too, so I know what you are feeling and you are in my thoughts.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on March 18, 2007, 11:43:52 AM
To everyone who posts and reads here, JT/EDM posted this on the "Affected" Thread and gave me permission to quote here:

"...when grief hits, mourn deeply and thoroughly, in your own way, as long as it takes. But allow and celebrate the glimpses of joy that come with it. If the loss was great, expect the winds of memory to bring it back. So mourn again. Celebrate once more. With time, it will become easier but it will never truly end."
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ChrisW on March 28, 2007, 05:29:42 AM
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi66.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fh253%2Fmontezumae_2006%2F100_4205.jpg&hash=e213751b7c079d3775947c69a034bd9f)
- my mother, who died on 7th April 1985, would have been 89 today. Here she is with my son, then aged three months. Some of you know that he is/was the reason I joined this forum.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on March 28, 2007, 05:31:06 AM
Monte, thanks for posting that picture.

sending you warm thoughts and love today.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on March 28, 2007, 06:27:12 AM

- my mother, who died on 7th April 1985, would have been 89 today. Here she is with my son, then aged three months. Some of you know that he is/was the reason I joined this forum.
That's a beautiful picture and brought sweet recollections of my own dear mom :'(
It's wonderful how alike they all are. And your kid is a real honey at 3 months :)
 :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ChrisW on March 28, 2007, 07:20:07 AM
- yes I was pleased with myself for taking that picture, so many of us have similar griefs, but sharing does help. Thanks for all the kind messages.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on March 28, 2007, 11:34:30 AM
(((((((CHRIS)))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Boris on April 04, 2007, 10:07:02 AM
Today, 4th of April is 28th anniversary of my mother's passing away. She was the same age as I am now when she died in my arms. I was sixteen.

I have wondered would she be proud of me today? Today, as so many years before I walked up the steps to cathedral and lit a candle for her memory. And for the first time I think I sensed, no, knew that yes she would be.

I miss her... I bought lemons today because the smell of them remind me of her. It's been almost 30 years, so sometimes it is hard to remember how she looked or felt or how her voice was. But scent of lemons, red carnations, sunlight on clovers.... and I remember.




Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on April 04, 2007, 10:09:44 AM
Today, 4th of April is 28th anniversary of my mother's passing away. She was the same age as I am now when she died in my arms. I was sixteen.

I have wondered would she be proud of me today? Today, as so many years before I walked up the steps to cathedral and lit a candle for her memory. And for the first time I think I sensed, no, knew that yes she would be.

I miss her... I bought lemons today because the smell of them remind me of her. It's been almost 30 years, so sometimes it is hard to remember how she looked or felt or how her voice was. But scent of lemons, red carnations, sunlight on clovers.... and I remember.


How could she not be, Jari?  You are such a wonderful, intelligent and caring person.  We are all better for knowing you.

(((((((Jari)))))))

Sending thoughts and love to you on this day.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on April 04, 2007, 10:42:41 AM
Chuck stated what I feel, Jari.  Your mother would absolutely be proud of the fine human being you are.

I also send my love to you, friend.  (((((JARI))))).  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on April 04, 2007, 11:32:40 AM
Jari sweetie,of course your mother is so very proud of you..I can actually feel it...the sun is shining on your face ,darling.

This is your day to shine ,close your eyes and talk to her....smell those lemons and know that your mother loves you and continues to be with you in spirit and the strength you get with that,doll, is never ending.

(((JARI)))

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mountain boy on April 04, 2007, 11:41:14 AM
Hugs to you Jari and Chris...
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on April 04, 2007, 11:54:46 AM
Long tight hug for you, Jari... I love you, Sir.

Last night I went and saw the movie "Reign on Me" with Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle. It brought back tears I haven't cried in a long time over the loss of both of my parents...

Reminded me that maybe the grieving's not completely finished...

Last Tuesday was the fourth anniversary of my friend and coworkers son's death in a car accident. Adam Sandler's character reminded me of Paula and her situation, not being able to deal with the pain she feels. Is sad, loss of those we love.

You're in my thoughts, frequently, Jari,
Rob
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Boris on April 04, 2007, 12:13:20 PM
Thank you friends.



Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: BrokenOkie on April 04, 2007, 12:19:18 PM
I have wondered would she be proud of me today? Today, as so many years before I walked up the steps to cathedral and lit a candle for her memory. And for the first time I think I sensed, no, knew that yes she would be.

(((Jari)))

(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.poster.net%2Fallison-doris%2Fallison-doris-italian-harvest-lemons-2705827.jpg&hash=036770b1e96fa7073ddfda55599388da)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: bbmbliss on April 04, 2007, 12:20:58 PM
Jari darling - hugs to you.  Your mother has a wonderful son - and she would treasure you and be so very proud of you.   :-*

((((Rob))))  Grieving never quite ends, it seems to me - always waiting to poke you in the eye when you least expect it. 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on April 04, 2007, 12:27:10 PM
Jari darling - hugs to you.  Your mother has a wonderful son - and she would treasure you and be so very proud of you.   :-*

((((Rob))))  Grieving never quite ends, it seems to me - always waiting to poke you in the eye when you least expect it. 
Seems it doesn't, and seems it does,  Sarah...

{{{{{{{BLISS}}}}}}}
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on April 04, 2007, 01:55:04 PM
jari, i'm so absolutely sure that your mum would have been so proud of you and what you made of your life. i guess that is the saddest thing about her passing away - she missed out on seening you grow and and become the fine human being you became. being able to live with you, celebrate with you, laugh with you....but i'm sure she does that all. she's with you, above you, around you. and one day she's going to tell you in person how proud she is and how much she loves you - and you will be able to tell her the same. hugs to you, my dear friend.  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on April 04, 2007, 06:28:22 PM
Jari,

I'm posting this again, for you...

JT/EDM posted this on the "Affected" Thread and gave me permission to quote here:

"...when grief hits, mourn deeply and thoroughly, in your own way, as long as it takes. But allow and celebrate the glimpses of joy that come with it. If the loss was great, expect the winds of memory to bring it back. So mourn again. Celebrate once more. With time, it will become easier but it will never truly end."

Hugs

Dan
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on April 04, 2007, 09:37:35 PM
I echo all that everyone has said here Jari. Your mother could not help but be so proud of the loving, caring and warm person that you are. I can only feel that you are just like her. You are her son.

No matter how long or short it has been since any of us have lost a loved one, that essence of them, their heart, will always be with us, even if the physical things we remember about them fade with time. The scents and sights of things that remind us of them are the gifts that we will always have to keep them close.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Boris on April 05, 2007, 12:42:40 AM
Thank you once again for your kind thoughts and Dan, thank you for reminding me of JT:s post. So true, so true.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nax on April 05, 2007, 02:06:18 AM
Jari darling - hugs to you.  Your mother has a wonderful son - and she would treasure you and be so very proud of you.   :-*

((((Rob))))  Grieving never quite ends, it seems to me - always waiting to poke you in the eye when you least expect it. 

(((((((((((((((((((all my friends here))))))))))))))))))

Loss is a measure of how much we loved.

How strange that I can close my eyes and still imagine the scent of my parents, individual and comforting the other stong memory is their laughter I can hear in my mind as I type.  It makes me sad, but it also makes me smile.  So should you all smile for the good times you've had with those you still love and miss even though we are separated - love bridges that gap.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on April 05, 2007, 02:14:00 AM
{{{{{{{COUSIN NEIL}}}}}}}
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on April 08, 2007, 01:24:08 PM
I have had two deaths in the last week - very different from one another.

My brother in law died on April 5th surrounded by his family.  We knew he was dying - he had metastatic colon cancer.  I visited him twice in the last 6 months.  Before he died he began seeing my mother (who died in 2003) in the room with him - and in our dark familial humor we've began to refer to mom as 'the boatman'.  Nice to know she still has work to do!  :D ;)

I came home last night to hear that a friend died on Friday.  I'd known him since I was 18.  I brought him out of the closet.  The last few years of his life weren't good ones.  He's left his lover with no will and a chaotic situation.  I visited him in July of last year - he was in such bad shape physically that he kept falling asleep while we were talking.  It is a sad, sad death - waste adds so much sadness to a death.  I know this is just my perspective - and I don't mean to speak ill of him, he was a wonderful person.  But there could have been so much more.  He was 53.

Our deaths reflect out lives, friends.  I wish you good lives.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: bbmbliss on April 08, 2007, 01:46:01 PM
(((((Michael)))))  So sorry to hear your sad news.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on April 08, 2007, 01:54:07 PM
((((michael))) take care
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on April 08, 2007, 03:57:02 PM
michael, it is so sad to lose loved ones....but i am sure they are all at a better place now. (((hugs))) to you !
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on April 08, 2007, 03:59:45 PM
Michael, no death, no matter how expected or welcome is never easy. I know this to be true. Just know that I am thinking of you, and that we are all with you in spirit during this time. It is wonderful that you were able to see them recently. Take care my good friend.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on April 08, 2007, 06:11:56 PM
Michael, I'm sorry for your recent losses.  Sending you warm thoughts, positive energy, and love.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on April 08, 2007, 09:09:58 PM
I have had two deaths in the last week - very different from one another.

My brother in law died on April 5th surrounded by his family.  We knew he was dying - he had metastatic colon cancer.  I visited him twice in the last 6 months.  Before he died he began seeing my mother (who died in 2003) in the room with him - and in our dark familial humor we've began to refer to mom as 'the boatman'.  Nice to know she still has work to do!  :D ;)
Mikey,

I recall a similar situation while visiting my grandmother as she was dying...

She had been unconscious for several days. I was sitting on the edge of her bed chatting with her just in case she could hear me. All of the sudden she sat up in bed, rested on her elbows, looked towards the foot of her bed, had the biggest smile on her face, and then starting mouthing words to someone not there... She looked so happy and looked as though she was seeing someone she hadn't seen in a long time.

Just as suddenly she lay back down and went back into the state she was in prior to the incident.

She didn't seem aware that I was sitting next to her on her bed...

Was a very weird experience, that!

--------

I remember you telling me about your brother-in-law during your brief visit in February. Seems he was also your godfather.

Warm tight hugs, Michael, I'm sorry about your losses,
 :-* :-* :-*
Rob
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on April 08, 2007, 10:01:23 PM
Oh, Michael darling...my deepest sympathies on your losses.  No one can take away your pain, but please know that you are loved, that we honor your brother-in-law and your friend, because they were loved by you.

Love and Peace, my friend.

Jackie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on April 08, 2007, 10:07:27 PM
Michael I'm deeply grieved about your losses. I have become very sensitive to loss now and all the emotions that are associated with the passing of a loved one -- as well as some of the harsher realities that go with it. You and your friends are in my prayers.
Take care -- Lovely
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on April 09, 2007, 01:52:19 AM
Thank you all for your thoughts.  It has been a tough day - I spoke with my nephew and my friend's lover and niece (the three of us lived together when I was in college).  One day at a time.

Yes Rob, my brother-in-law was also my godfather.  I am at peace with his passing - he had a good death.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on April 09, 2007, 01:01:07 PM
Michael,

My warmest thoughts are with you at his difficult time.

Hugs

Dan
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nax on April 10, 2007, 06:56:51 AM
Mikey, big hugs to you. ((((((((((((((((((((((Mikey)))))))))))))))))))))

I've just been told one of my work colleagues who I have worked with for over twenty years died yesterday, the news is just filtering in.  The thing was all we ever talked about these last few years has been planning our retirement, strategies and pension plans, he was a little older than I with two daughters in college.  I'm just stunned, but it has made my mind up for me, I'm not going to look for serious long term work, I'm going to retire ASAP.

Third workmate to go this year  :-\

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on April 10, 2007, 06:58:42 AM
I've just been told one of my work colleagues who I have worked with for over twenty years died yesterday, the news is just filtering in. The thing was all we ever talked about these last few years has been planning our retirement, strategies and pension plans, he was a little older than I with two daughters in college. I'm just stunned, but it has made my mind up for me, I'm not going to look for serious long term work, I'm going to retire ASAP.

Third workmate to go this year :-\


Oh Nax.  I'm sorry to hear this.  It's always so sad to hear when someone is making plans for their retirement, and then a tragedy like this happens.



(((((Nax)))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on April 10, 2007, 11:13:35 AM
Neil, I am so sorry to hear this. It is always hard to hear of a contemporary passing away suddenly.
My thoughts are with you.

I think it is a very good idea about your future work plans. :)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on April 10, 2007, 04:33:38 PM
wow, i'm sorry to hear this, neil. i can imagine how hard it is to see people around going. makes us aware of our own mortality....

well, we won't be able to do anything about that anyway, just taking good care of ourselves and living a healthy lifestyle. so, your work plans are defintely a good decision.  ;)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on April 10, 2007, 04:49:58 PM
Tom's memorial is tomorrow.  I wrote something for them to read:

I still remember the day that I met Tom at Saginaw Valley College.  That's the kind of person he was - he made a lasting impression.

We became fast friends and moved to East Lansing - he, Gail and I.  When he moved to College Manor he had such an elaborately decorated apartment that it was like moving into another country when you passed through the door.  He had an eye for the unusual and the unique.  I remember coming into that apartment and marveling at beaded lampshades, cloisonné and sculpture from around the world.   He was constantly doing art projects - I remember him forming silicone face masks - plastering peoples faces and putting straws in our noses so we could breath.   He worked on stained glass and gold leafed a door which I carried from apartment to apartment for quite some time. 

We had such fun together.  I can remember laughing till I cried with both Tom and Gail.  He retained his sense of humor to the end, sharing his 'Strangers with Candy' DVDs with me.  He loved bizarre movies and had exquisite taste in music.  The first time I saw David Bowie in concert it was with him, and he was the first person to tell me about Brian Eno's solo projects.  In
his later days he shared his love of opera with me.   And he could argue like no one else.  I'll miss those arguments.

His vision followed him for the rest of his life and extended itself into outdoor spaces at his house - one of the last things I saw him participate in was the installation of a fountain at his house with a beautiful sculpture on it.

There are many things that I shared with him and only with him.  He was closer to me than my own brothers.   He was one of my closest friends for thirty five years.  I believe that when you share so much with someone that they are with you for the rest of your life.  As long as I live I will carry Tom with me.

I love you Maxine and I miss you.  Say hi to Ken and Michael for me.  I hope to see you again.

Michael Flanagan (or, as you called me, Flo)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on April 10, 2007, 05:41:39 PM
Tom's memorial is tomorrow.  I wrote something for them to read:

I still remember the day that I met Tom at Saginaw Valley College.  That's the kind of person he was - he made a lasting impression.

We became fast friends and moved to East Lansing - he, Gail and I.  When he moved to College Manor he had such an elaborately decorated apartment that it was like moving into another country when you passed through the door.  He had an eye for the unusual and the unique.  I remember coming into that apartment and marveling at beaded lampshades, cloisonné and sculpture from around the world.   He was constantly doing art projects - I remember him forming silicone face masks - plastering peoples faces and putting straws in our noses so we could breath.   He worked on stained glass and gold leafed a door which I carried from apartment to apartment for quite some time. 

We had such fun together.  I can remember laughing till I cried with both Tom and Gail.  He retained his sense of humor to the end, sharing his 'Strangers with Candy' DVDs with me.  He loved bizarre movies and had exquisite taste in music.  The first time I saw David Bowie in concert it was with him, and he was the first person to tell me about Brian Eno's solo projects.  In
his later days he shared his love of opera with me.   And he could argue like no one else.  I'll miss those arguments.

His vision followed him for the rest of his life and extended itself into outdoor spaces at his house - one of the last things I saw him participate in was the installation of a fountain at his house with a beautiful sculpture on it.

There are many things that I shared with him and only with him.  He was closer to me than my own brothers.   He was one of my closest friends for thirty five years.  I believe that when you share so much with someone that they are with you for the rest of your life.  As long as I live I will carry Tom with me.

I love you Maxine and I miss you.  Say hi to Ken and Michael for me.  I hope to see you again.

Michael Flanagan (or, as you called me, Flo)

Still so sorry for your losses, Michael... I can't imagine what you're feeling now, losing someone like Tom after all these years...

I tear for you, Mikey.

A warm hug for you, with love,
Rob
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on April 10, 2007, 05:49:12 PM
Michael, that was a beautiful tribute.  Your heart is all over it!  (((((Hugs)))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on April 10, 2007, 06:22:17 PM
This is a wonderful tribute to such a good friend Michael, and I know he will hear it.
He will be with you in your heart as he has been these last 35 years.
Thanks for giving us a glimpse of your friend and brother.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on April 10, 2007, 06:52:43 PM
Still so sorry for your losses, Michael... I can't imagine what you're feeling now, losing someone like Tom after all these years...

I tear for you, Mikey.

A warm hug for you, with love,
Rob

The truly weird thing is that I'm doing pretty well Rob.  I actually wanted to get that out in time for the eulogy.  Keeping busy helps.  And, of course, having the family and the boyfriend arguing over what he wanted to have done adds a comic air that Tom would have loved.

On the other hand my sleep hasn't been that great and I'm having weird dreams (last night I was interning at Safeway and my pet parrot got loose in the fruits and vegetables - I hate it when that happens).

Keeping busy really does help.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: BrokenOkie on April 10, 2007, 06:56:58 PM
It's a beautiful tribute, (((Michael)))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on April 10, 2007, 07:01:35 PM
On the other hand my sleep hasn't been that great and I'm having weird dreams (last night I was interning at Safeway and my pet parrot got loose in the fruits and vegetables - I hate it when that happens).

Keeping busy really does help.

It's amazing how our brain deals with things, Michael.
I hope your sleep improves.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on April 10, 2007, 07:19:22 PM
I was just telling someone here at the library that I told Tom (one of the last times I saw him) that he is part of the reason I'm the person that I am today - and I thanked him for that.  I think that's probably one of the reasons I'm doing okay.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on April 10, 2007, 07:22:37 PM
A supportive friend is a wonderful thing to have, Michael, and you and Tom had each other. Much love to you, and Requiem aeternam dona ei, Domine, et lux perpetua luceat eum, to Tom.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on April 10, 2007, 08:59:37 PM
I am insufficient in giving my thoughts.  I can only say that my love is with you, Neil and Michael.  My love to you both, always and forever, my friends.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on April 13, 2007, 10:28:12 AM
Keeping you all in my thoughts and in my heart......((hugs))

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Bubble Wrap on April 25, 2007, 12:57:52 PM
Well, it took a long time, but nan finally passed away last night.  I want to say thanks to CellarDweller for pointing me in this direction.  I didn't even know this thread was here.

So I suppose now what I'll do is just ride it out until it stops feeling so bad.  Not much else to do is there!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on April 25, 2007, 01:01:56 PM
My thoughts and prayers are with you Nic. I know first hand it is tough and there is no time frame for grieving, how long or how to react. Just do what makes you feel better or at least helps.

(((((((((NIC)))))))))) to you my friend. I am thinking of you and your family. :)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on April 25, 2007, 01:10:16 PM
Sending you warm thoughts, hugs, and love at this sad time.

Anytime you need to vent, feel free to send me a PM.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Bubble Wrap on April 25, 2007, 01:17:08 PM
Thanks all.  I don't think I want to vent as such.  I'm not angry.  And her nurses were so good, and they really did care about her.  It just wasn't nice at all, and she didn't deserve it. 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: BrokenOkie on April 25, 2007, 01:39:15 PM
...So I suppose now what I'll do is just ride it out until it stops feeling so bad.  Not much else to do is there!

((Nic)) - my condolences to you.  Grief is a deeply personal thing with no rules, no boundaries.  It can be one of life's most difficult things to endure.  But it will get better when the time is right for you.  Warmest thoughts across the miles for you. 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on April 25, 2007, 02:25:58 PM
bubble hon, i remember your nan from the pictuture from the three of you on the cruise,three beautiful women.
take care sweets,keeping you in my thoughts (((Nic)))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Bubble Wrap on April 25, 2007, 02:58:02 PM
Oh, she was gorgeous on that cruise.  And even with her mind in the state it was she always remembered that!  And to think we were in two minds about it.  Yeah I know she was ill on it, but she really didn't care about that! 

I found the outfit she wore for that special night on it today, set me right off, but the pics show how nice it was.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: bbmbliss on April 25, 2007, 03:06:26 PM
So sorry to hear about your nan Nic.  Big hugs to you.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Zudos on April 25, 2007, 03:29:41 PM
So sorry to hear about your nan Nic.  Big hugs to you.

From me too Nic... I thought of the cruise straight away and your wonderful pictures...

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on April 25, 2007, 03:54:39 PM
I remember the pictures from your cruise too, Nic. Thank you for sharing them with us, as we remember the life of a wonderful individual and pray for her eternal rest.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mountain boy on April 25, 2007, 06:45:18 PM
Hugs to you and your family Nic ...
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on April 25, 2007, 10:37:29 PM
I found this pic that Nic posted after the cruise in April of last year. Nan, Nic, Mom.  Rest in peace, Nan.

(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi50.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff334%2Fpaintedshoes%2FNicBubblewrapwithmomandnanapr06.jpg&hash=ab28be459f485cb0b8e5d11f17a2e487)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Tigs on April 26, 2007, 12:02:51 AM
My thoughts are with you Nic

Sal      ;D
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Bubble Wrap on April 26, 2007, 02:26:10 AM
That's one of my favourite pictures.   :)  Will have to get it framed really.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on April 26, 2007, 06:12:19 AM
nic, a big virtual hug for you ! i'm sure your grandmother is in a better place now - where she deserves to be. i hope the pain will stop one day, so you'll be abe to remember only the good times you had with her - until, one day, you'll be together with her again...

(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi61.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fh55%2Fdesertrat77%2Fdiner%2FQuebec_47.jpg&hash=7a3c1aea7c0d859af50f54ec66aeaefe)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on April 26, 2007, 11:09:40 PM
Not necessarily on topic, but just wanted to share that this would have been Rick's and I's 33rd wedding anniversary today.
He was with me all day today, in very many ways.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Bubble Wrap on April 27, 2007, 03:24:19 PM
*hugs Killersmom*

I have an odd idea here, or a feeling or whatever you want to call it.  But thing is I'm not crying all the time anymore and it was only three days ago.  I was there at the time, it wasn't nice for her and it wasn't nice for us.  But I'm not always upset and it's not been long.  Now I know I care, and everyone else knows I do surely but if I'm not really bad and it's only been three days then does that mean I'm not as affected as maybe I should be.   :-\

This is weird.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: bbmbliss on April 27, 2007, 04:06:21 PM
(((((Nic)))))

There are no rules for grief.  There's no 'proper' way to feel or be.  Grief shows itself differently to different people, and differently again depending on the person you have lost.

PLEASE don't worry or feel guilty if your grief is not what you expected.  Whatever you are feeling is the right thing for you in this situation, and that might include relief and many other things that might not feel right.

Your grief is what it is, and you deal with it the best way you can.  Nothing you feel or don't feel reflects on how much you loved your dear nan.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ImEnnisShesJack on April 27, 2007, 05:08:02 PM
Well, it took a long time, but nan finally passed away last night.  I want to say thanks to CellarDweller for pointing me in this direction.  I didn't even know this thread was here.

So I suppose now what I'll do is just ride it out until it stops feeling so bad.  Not much else to do is there!

Nic, was this your nan that you took with on your cruise? 

My deepest sympathies to you and your family.  I lost my granny last month (90 years old!) and it was sad, but she lived a very full and wonderful life and she was surrounded by people who loved her.  I only hope that you can celebrate her life as you work through your grief.

((((HUGS))))) to you Nic!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on April 27, 2007, 07:44:49 PM
*hugs Killersmom*

I have an odd idea here, or a feeling or whatever you want to call it.  But thing is I'm not crying all the time anymore and it was only three days ago.  I was there at the time, it wasn't nice for her and it wasn't nice for us.  But I'm not always upset and it's not been long.  Now I know I care, and everyone else knows I do surely but if I'm not really bad and it's only been three days then does that mean I'm not as affected as maybe I should be.   :-\

This is weird.
Darling, as Bliss says, there are no rules for grief.  Don't second-guess yourself, don't make assumptions about how much or how little you feel.  This is how you are processing things, now.  It is ok, I promise you, friend.  :-*






Linda, my thoughts are with you on this day. :-*




Heidi, my deepest sympathies to you and your family, as well. :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on April 27, 2007, 07:45:54 PM
sending warm thoughts and love to Auntie!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on April 27, 2007, 09:35:51 PM
Thanks everyone, he has been with me every step of the way. :)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Zudos on April 28, 2007, 03:45:49 AM
(((((Nic)))))

There are no rules for grief.  There's no 'proper' way to feel or be.  Grief shows itself differently to different people, and differently again depending on the person you have lost.

PLEASE don't worry or feel guilty if your grief is not what you expected.  Whatever you are feeling is the right thing for you in this situation, and that might include relief and many other things that might not feel right.

Your grief is what it is, and you deal with it the best way you can.  Nothing you feel or don't feel reflects on how much you loved your dear nan.



Nic... Bliss is right... There are no rules... Do not question yourself... Your affection was so clear, with the proud and beautiful photos, your constant and loving care...

 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Zudos on April 28, 2007, 03:46:30 AM
Thanks everyone, he has been with me every step of the way. :)


I hope that was of some comfort Linda...
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on April 28, 2007, 09:13:00 AM
{{{{{{{LINDA}}}}}}}

 :-* :-* :-*

Thinking of you...
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on April 28, 2007, 09:32:18 AM
(((((Nic))))) and ((((((Heidi))))))
I can understand how it feels having lost my mom so recently.
Yes the sense of sadness and grief varies a lot and we need to handle it as it comes. There are days when there is just nothing and it feels deceptively fine and then it's all different again. The incredible people on this forum help us through it.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Bubble Wrap on April 29, 2007, 02:20:30 PM
Thank you everyone  :-*

I've thought about what you have all said and done some general thinking and come to the conclusion that if this is how I feel then this is obviously how I'm meant to feel.  I know that I am not even going to consider dealing with the emotional side of this for a bit.  It has left a gaping hole in everyones lives simply because of how involved we all were with her care and that she lived with us.  It's an unusual situation in that sense.  She loved raspberry trifles and just seeing them in the supermarket at the moment almost sets me off...it was the only thing we could get her to eat eventually.  How sad is that!  But she really loved them. 

I am not wearing all black on Friday either...she loved to wear it but she liked me in colour, specially pink so I have found a top that has pink white and black.   She'd like it  :) 

Ok, rambling about now aren't I.   :-[ :)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Zudos on April 29, 2007, 02:23:22 PM
Big hugs to you right now Nics...

You keep going darling, and feel what you want to feel when it feels right to feel it...

So much thought is going into what you wear, I am sure she would love you in it...

XXXXXXX
Zed 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Bubble Wrap on April 29, 2007, 02:26:03 PM
When she was in the hospital about a week before she passed away she looked a new top i had and commented on how she liked the pink on it and I said it was the same colour I'd just painted my bedroom.  Loved it!  Also, she loved my hair do 'cause I'd punked it up a bit...she'll get that Friday too!!!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Zudos on April 29, 2007, 02:40:07 PM
When she was in the hospital about a week before she passed away she looked a new top i had and commented on how she liked the pink on it and I said it was the same colour I'd just painted my bedroom.  Loved it!  Also, she loved my hair do 'cause I'd punked it up a bit...she'll get that Friday too!!!

Thats really thoughtful Nic... And I am sure it will help you too darling... 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Bubble Wrap on April 29, 2007, 02:49:03 PM
Just wish I could get over those blasted raspberry trifles!  They get me everytime I even think about them.  Stupid I know because she ate salad and that doesn't bother me, she ate steak, and salmon and all sorts of other things none of which bother me.  Just the bloomin' trifles.  I will never be able to eat one again.   :-\

Mum isn't wearing black all over either.  We're waiting to see who looks like they're disapproving!  :D

The last time she was vaguely aware of us in the hospital when I went home one night I said bye to her and she smiled 'cause for the first time in about three years I'm sure she knew who I was!!!!   She didn't know all the time, unless I was directly infront of her for hours, but she knew that time.  I was just saying to a friend that no matter all that has happened those few years, wild horses could not have kept me away from her the night she went.  :)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Zudos on April 29, 2007, 02:53:21 PM
I doubt that anyone will look disapproving...

And that was a precious moment when she smiled at you... How lovely...

I am sure the trifles thing will pass in time, and they are obvious a symbolic reminder of your nan...

 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Bubble Wrap on April 29, 2007, 02:58:52 PM
It is kinda funny though, I hope I have such an odd symbolic reminder for people! 

I'm afraid hun I'm rather indulging myself in talking about it a lot tonight. 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Zudos on April 29, 2007, 03:00:44 PM
It is kinda funny though, I hope I have such an odd symbolic reminder for people! 

I'm afraid hun I'm rather indulging myself in talking about it a lot tonight. 

Not indulging at all... You talk as much or as little as you need to... I am here to support as much as I can...

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Bubble Wrap on April 29, 2007, 03:02:28 PM
Just being around is brilliant  :-*  It's all a little daft really.  I think of all these thingas she'll miss out on or won;t see or i won;t say to her then I think sensibly and know that it doesn't matter, her alzheimers was to bad anyway.  That was one of the deciding factors in the end to us saying not to be invasive with her, as no mater what they cured physically she was going downhill too fast anyway.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Zudos on April 29, 2007, 03:05:37 PM
Just being around is brilliant  :-*  It's all a little daft really.  I think of all these thingas she'll miss out on or won;t see or i won;t say to her then I think sensibly and know that it doesn't matter, her alzheimers was to bad anyway.  That was one of the deciding factors in the end to us saying not to be invasive with her, as no mater what they cured physically she was going downhill too fast anyway.

Alzheimers is a horrid disease... I have not known anyone who suffered with it, but have read a lot...

You have been such a rock to your nan, through the last couple of years, looking after her faithfully...

I hope you know that...
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Bubble Wrap on April 29, 2007, 03:13:27 PM
It's not nice, and I hope you continue not to know anyone with it.  I won't want to do that again.  I know that sounds harsh but it's really not easy for anyone involved in it at all!  I just hope that I haven;t whinged too much about it when I was looking after her.  But I suppose it's like I said to my brother, to look after someone in that condition and never complain or get angry you'd actually be Mother Theresa.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Zudos on April 29, 2007, 03:22:35 PM
I don't think I ever heard you complain.... Oh yeah maybe once but that was about your brother...!!!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Bubble Wrap on April 29, 2007, 03:24:44 PM
I don't think I ever heard you complain.... Oh yeah maybe once but that was about your brother...!!!

Blimey, I'd forgotten that!  Well that'll learn him!   :D  Well, it made for some interesting times I'll give it that.  Reckon it's a sibling thing to disagree!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Zudos on April 29, 2007, 03:25:43 PM
I don't think I ever heard you complain.... Oh yeah maybe once but that was about your brother...!!!

Blimey, I'd forgotten that!  Well that'll learn him!   :D  Well, it made for some interesting times I'll give it that.  Reckon it's a sibling thing to disagree!

Its such a sibling thing... Is your other half being a rock for you at the moment...?
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Bubble Wrap on April 29, 2007, 03:30:52 PM
Indeed he is...when I got home on the Tuesday night he was all ready with pizza menu in hand for non cooking purposes, just been lovely.  Always is mind you  :)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Zudos on April 29, 2007, 03:32:11 PM
Indeed he is...when I got home on the Tuesday night he was all ready with pizza menu in hand for non cooking purposes, just been lovely.  Always is mind you  :)

Its great that you have utter support from your partner...
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Bubble Wrap on April 29, 2007, 03:37:01 PM
It is, and I think the world of him  :)  Once Nan thought he was my brother and started to chat to him, and 'cause he was so scared he just pretended to be  :D  Classic
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Zudos on April 29, 2007, 03:39:53 PM
It is, and I think the world of him  :)  Once Nan thought he was my brother and started to chat to him, and 'cause he was so scared he just pretended to be  :D  Classic

Thats so sweet... and another fine memory for you to treasure...  ;D
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on April 29, 2007, 07:35:20 PM
Just being around is brilliant  :-*  It's all a little daft really.  I think of all these thingas she'll miss out on or won;t see or i won;t say to her then I think sensibly and know that it doesn't matter, her alzheimers was to bad anyway.  That was one of the deciding factors in the end to us saying not to be invasive with her, as no mater what they cured physically she was going downhill too fast anyway.
Oh, Nic...I lost my dad to complications of Alzheimers about 13 years ago...13 years next week, in fact...I hadn't realized it when I started typing.   :-\

I'm not sad anymore, except for a vague nostalgia...I had that same feeling of wishing he could enjoy something, knowing he would not have.  I am soooo glad, for your sake, that Nan said good bye to you, as she could.  I hope it will be a comfort to you. My dad's "goodbye" to me helped me a lot in my grieving.

Hugs, dear one.   :-*

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on April 29, 2007, 11:13:18 PM
and another set of hugs here: (((hugs)))

thanks for telling us all those wonderful little details about your nan. i guess she had a good life. and even though she didn't always remember who you were, i'm sure she felt loved and cared for. i'm absolutely convinced of that. my own grandmother, who's suffering from alzheimers as well, is always complaining about everything. but still, she knows that we love her. she forgets when we fight after she accuses us of whatever is the "choice of day", but the next day she's already forgotten the fight. but love is always there... :)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Bubble Wrap on April 30, 2007, 08:53:04 AM
It's true...fighting like that is a very surface thing.  The emotions and love that are underneath it are just briefly covered up by it, but they're always there!  Had she been stronger and fully of sound mind we may have decided differently, but we know we did the right thing. 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on April 30, 2007, 04:08:22 PM
i'm sure you did the right thing !  :)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ingmarnicebbmt on May 10, 2007, 07:19:56 AM


I want to send a prayer to heaven for LOVELYAMAZING's friend

and send my love to lovely who just had to endure (again) a terrible loss in her life.

All my thoughts and feelings accompany her through this very difficult period.

Wishing her strength, courage and peace at heart

many many hugs and tender Jake vibrations for you!

Inggylly

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: beruthiel on May 10, 2007, 08:47:33 AM
No words right now, so I'll just send a {{{{{Lovely}}}}}
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: xqsmwa on May 10, 2007, 10:53:12 AM

Lovely,  I'm so sorry to hear the news of your friend's sudden and tragic passing.  :'( :'( :'( :'(  My thoughts are with you at this difficult time.


Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on May 10, 2007, 11:09:53 AM
Lovely, I did not know til now.  Please accept my deepest sympathies. 

(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi50.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff334%2Fpaintedshoes%2Fwithsympathywhiteflower.jpg&hash=10f90f045928840d133c7cda3c8258f0)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on May 10, 2007, 01:56:52 PM
lovely i`m so sorry for your loss. this must be so hard for you.
know that your in my thoughts
take care  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on May 10, 2007, 11:50:22 PM
Thank you all ... you are all very important to me. My friend also knew that I had some very dear people I talked to on the net though he wasn't aware of the details. He knew I had support here. Your prayers are making a big difference
Lovely
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Zudos on May 11, 2007, 01:09:35 PM
Has anyone seen Bubble Wrap...?

Her Nan's funeral was a week today... I hope she is OK... And if she is reading this... Still thinking of ya Nic

 :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Poohbunn on May 29, 2007, 03:03:23 PM
This may appear trivial to some, but I'm grieving the death of my cockatiel, Nickie.  He was the light of my life for 15 years, until he was accidently killed by a careless action by a member of my family.   My heart goes out to people who face losses, and especially to those who mourn in silence because their relationship with the deceased was hidden, misunderstood or "forbidden."
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on May 29, 2007, 03:52:13 PM
I'm sorry about your Nickie, Pooh. Cockateils can be such sweet friends.

It's always sad when a friend leaves us, isn't it?

Hugs,
Rob
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on June 01, 2007, 07:18:00 PM
Today would have been my father's 86th birthday, but we lost him at the age of 73 to Alzheimer's disease.  He created The PaintedShoes.  My baby shoes, a watercolor which hung in our family home since I was a year old, and which is now in my home.

I miss you, Pop! 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on June 01, 2007, 08:24:13 PM
Warm tight hugs wishing you comfort on this anniversary, your dad's birthday, Big Sis...

Your Little Bro,
Rob
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on June 02, 2007, 08:59:53 AM
Thank you, sweet brother.   :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on June 03, 2007, 03:19:24 AM
Today would have been my father's 86th birthday, but we lost him at the age of 73 to Alzheimer's disease.  He created The PaintedShoes.  My baby shoes, a watercolor which hung in our family home since I was a year old, and which is now in my home.

I miss you, Pop! 

thinking about it...how you made him "immortal" by using his painting as a screen name, and as an avatar at first...how wonderful is that ?  :)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on June 03, 2007, 05:26:46 PM
Today would have been my father's 86th birthday, but we lost him at the age of 73 to Alzheimer's disease. He created The PaintedShoes. My baby shoes, a watercolor which hung in our family home since I was a year old, and which is now in my home.

I miss you, Pop!



(((((Jackie)))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on June 03, 2007, 09:53:51 PM

thinking about it...how you made him "immortal" by using his painting as a screen name, and as an avatar at first...how wonderful is that ?  :)
I had not thought of it like that, darling Sunshine.  Bless you and thank you.  :-*

Adn Chuckalicious, thank you, also.  I am very fortunate in my friends. 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nax on June 04, 2007, 02:39:51 AM
((((((((((((((((((((((((((Jackie))))))))))))))))))))))))))  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on June 09, 2007, 01:40:58 AM
 My heart goes out to people who face losses, and especially to those who mourn in silence because their relationship with the deceased was hidden, misunderstood or "forbidden."

Those words particularly went to my heart. My thoughts are with you and I can understand what you are feelng for beloved Nickie.
XXX -- Lovely
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on June 09, 2007, 01:43:16 AM
I had not thought of it like that, darling Sunshine.  Bless you and thank you.  :-*


(((((((Jackie))))))  I shall always think of your beloved Dad when I see your avatar on SMG. Thanks for sharing with us dear Sis.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on June 14, 2007, 07:49:52 PM
My Brother-in-Law passed away today at the age of 66 from cancer.

In less than three years I have lost my Partner, my Father and now him.

I mentioned to my Sister, that we are now a family of Widows.

Dan
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on June 14, 2007, 07:52:21 PM
Oh, Dan, darling.  I am so sorry.  I wish I were with you to hold you close and try and comfort you.   :'(
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on June 14, 2007, 08:25:17 PM
(((((((DAN)))))))

 :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on June 15, 2007, 03:20:45 AM
dan, i'm so sorry for your many losses. i hope the world gives you many good people to surround you with love and frienship so the pain of the losses gets bearable. many, many hugs to you !
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on June 15, 2007, 05:11:36 AM
Oh Dan.  I'm so sorry that you and your family have experienced so much pain in recent times.

Sending you all love, positive thougths, and prayers.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Tigs on June 15, 2007, 10:35:00 AM
Dan,

Sorry to hear of your loss

My thoughts are with you and your sisters family

Sal     :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: BrokenOkie on June 15, 2007, 11:38:19 AM
(((Dan)))  Thinking of you...
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Cameron816 on June 15, 2007, 01:01:03 PM
Dan,

I reach out to you to comfort you of your many losses.  In my mind I hear those words spoken at King Edward VII funeral, back in 1910.  Strangely, no matter our social status these words hold true:

========================

Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other
That we are still
Call me by my old familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way you always used
Put no difference into your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we always enjoyed together
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was
Let it be spoken without effort
Without the trace of a shadow in it
Life means all that it ever meant
It is the same as it ever was
There is absolute unbroken continuity
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner
All is well.
========================

Someone sent me these words when my father died.  I had never heard them before, but somehow they rang so true to my inner emotions.  It help me to find a place to put my father's spirit.  Now in my Brokeback years, I like to think of Jack's spirit reaching out to us with these words as well.

Take care Dan.

-C
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on June 15, 2007, 01:36:20 PM
Sending hugs to ALL of you........I'm sorry for your losses....but the memories are so strong,somehow we have to hold on to them and allow those memories to carry us along..

My aunt died Thursday morning....she was 77 years old,just celebrated Saturday. All day I was in a fog yesterday at work. Every person that age or so reminded me of her.My heart ached. By the end of the day it wasn't bothering me anymore because my mind was so filled with her memory. She was my favorite aunt,the one who lived with us at our 3 flat in the city,the one who would tell me stories of her childhood,the one who would baby-sit us while my mom went to work. She was my mom's best friend too...they did everything together.

It will be hard now for my mom to not visit her. Even though her last visits she made this past few months were in the hospital. She had been sick for over two years.. the good thing though is that my uncle decided to bury her a few blocks away from my mom's house...they were going to ship her off to Puerto Rico. I know it sounds weird,but you have no idea how happy that made my mom....she at least has something to look forward to. I can visit her also,even though I haven't stepped foot in a cemetary since my daughter was buried...going to another wake this Monday will be hard for us. I can only hold my mom's hand and comfort her....I can only hug my uncle and tell him she isn't suffering anymore....I'm just glad I have you guys around...just writing my thoughts in this thread is comfort enough.

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on June 15, 2007, 02:36:51 PM
(((dann))) ((nells))) thinking of you
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on June 15, 2007, 10:24:18 PM
Sending hugs to ALL of you........I'm sorry for your losses....but the memories are so strong,somehow we have to hold on to them and allow those memories to carry us along..

My aunt died Thursday morning....she was 77 years old,just celebrated Saturday. All day I was in a fog yesterday at work. Every person that age or so reminded me of her.My heart ached. By the end of the day it wasn't bothering me anymore because my mind was so filled with her memory. She was my favorite aunt,the one who lived with us at our 3 flat in the city,the one who would tell me stories of her childhood,the one who would baby-sit us while my mom went to work. She was my mom's best friend too...they did everything together.

It will be hard now for my mom to not visit her. Even though her last visits she made this past few months were in the hospital. She had been sick for over two years.. the good thing though is that my uncle decided to bury her a few blocks away from my mom's house...they were going to ship her off to Puerto Rico. I know it sounds weird,but you have no idea how happy that made my mom....she at least has something to look forward to. I can visit her also,even though I haven't stepped foot in a cemetary since my daughter was buried...going to another wake this Monday will be hard for us. I can only hold my mom's hand and comfort her....I can only hug my uncle and tell him she isn't suffering anymore....I'm just glad I have you guys around...just writing my thoughts in this thread is comfort enough.

Nellie
Oh,my darling... :'(  I love you so, Nell....  my heart aches for you, dear mi hermana.... :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on June 15, 2007, 11:23:40 PM
My Brother-in-Law passed away today at the age of 66 from cancer.

In less than three years I have lost my Partner, my Father and now him.

I mentioned to my Sister, that we are now a family of Widows.

Dan

(((((Dan))))) I am awfully sorry for your series of losses. I can relate to what you said to your sister.  May you all have the strength to bear this and be there for one another. My heart is with you
Lovely
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on June 16, 2007, 02:35:06 AM

My aunt died Thursday morning....she was 77 years old,just celebrated Saturday.


Nellie :-* I'm awfully sorry about your aunt. I had sent her a hug only the other day. I can understand the pain of separation that you are feeling. My heart is with you. I can recall so much of my own life as I read your post about all that she meant to you.
Tight hugs
Lovely
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on June 16, 2007, 11:31:01 AM
nellie, i hope your family will be able to celebrate her life instead of mourning her....after so much pain she deserves her peace. i'll be thinking of you.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on June 17, 2007, 12:18:26 PM
Dan and Nellie, my heart goes out to you both.  I am so sorry for your recent losses, and Dan for your many losses.

I'm new here...   I just found this thread while reflecting on Father's Day.  11 years ago today was the last time I saw my father.  He died 4 days later a half hour after I spoke to him on the phone and told him "I love you, Dad".  Those are words that never came easily in my family, but something compelled me to tell him that night.  The pain, an hour later, of hearing my brother say "Dad's gone" will never go away. :'(

Thanks for listening.

Sue
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on June 17, 2007, 08:14:04 PM
(((((((SUE)))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on June 17, 2007, 09:24:39 PM
Thank you, Rob.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Tigs on June 17, 2007, 10:08:44 PM
Nellie

Thinking of you!

Sal      :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on June 18, 2007, 12:20:18 AM
Hugs and many thoughts your way Nellie.
My prayers are with you and your family.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on June 18, 2007, 12:23:22 AM
I'm new here...   I just found this thread while reflecting on Father's Day.  11 years ago today was the last time I saw my father.  He died 4 days later a half hour after I spoke to him on the phone and told him "I love you, Dad".  Those are words that never came easily in my family, but something compelled me to tell him that night.  The pain, an hour later, of hearing my brother say "Dad's gone" will never go away. :'(

Thanks for listening.

Sue

My thoughts are with you on this Father's Day Sue. I am glad you shared.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nax on June 18, 2007, 01:45:49 AM
(((((((((((((((Dan & Nellie)))))))))))))))

My thoughts are with you as you were with me in recent times, yesterday was my first fathers day without a father.  There is pain but it is outweighed by good memories and shared love.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: bbmbliss on June 18, 2007, 02:55:31 AM
(((((((Neil)))))))

I have been thinking alot about my Dad this week too.  And he still seems so near, even though it is nearly 7 years since he died.  The love really does live on.  :)

Hugs to you Nellie - I hope you and your Mum and your Uncle are doing OK.   :-*  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on June 18, 2007, 07:10:24 AM
Thanks to all of you for your warm thoughts and many hugs.

As with previous posts, it always helps to come to this Thread. The love and support here is overwhelming.

Hugs to all.

Dan

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on June 18, 2007, 09:14:08 AM
Welcome Sue...

I remember the call my stepmother's sister made to me on January 25, 2006 just after my dad died.

A very difficult day that was...
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on June 18, 2007, 11:40:07 AM
Thanks to all of you for your warm thoughts and many hugs.

As with previous posts, it always helps to come to this Thread. The love and support here is overwhelming.

Hugs to all.

Dan



Yes, Dan,it's wonderful...isn't it?

Thank you all for such kind words...and for thinking of my family...I so appreciate it!

Nellie   :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on June 18, 2007, 06:38:19 PM
Welcome Sue...

I remember the call my stepmother's sister made to me on January 25, 2006 just after my dad died.

A very difficult day that was...

 ((((Rob))))   I'm sorry about your father.     

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on June 18, 2007, 06:40:22 PM
I'm new here...   I just found this thread while reflecting on Father's Day.  11 years ago today was the last time I saw my father.  He died 4 days later a half hour after I spoke to him on the phone and told him "I love you, Dad".  Those are words that never came easily in my family, but something compelled me to tell him that night.  The pain, an hour later, of hearing my brother say "Dad's gone" will never go away. :'(

Thanks for listening.

Sue

My thoughts are with you on this Father's Day Sue. I am glad you shared.

Thank you....  it is nice to have a place to share.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on June 19, 2007, 08:56:39 PM
Well,we buried my aunt today. It was hard at first when we walked back in that funeral home. Saying our last goodbye's. A few people had a hard time,my mom,uncle,son,and surprisingly,her grandson.It was so hard to see them like that.

The weather was beautiful today,sunny,80 degrees.The cemetery was filled with butterflies and it made me smile.As we prayed and watched the casket go down it was very painful but I heard my uncle tell my mom that he suddenly felt a rush of relief,knowing that she is finally at her resting place with God.He felt this release of stress leave him.

We each threw a rose down in her casket and kept one to keep. My son took his rose and put it in water,he even put the vase outside on the table. Looked really nice. My heart broke again but the thought warmed my soul.

So now the hard part begins...missing her. But I know it will be okay .One day at a time.

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on June 19, 2007, 09:48:14 PM

The weather was beautiful today,sunny,80 degrees.The cemetery was filled with butterflies and it made me smile.As we prayed and watched the casket go down it was very painful but I heard my uncle tell my mom that he suddenly felt a rush of relief,knowing that she is finally at her resting place with God.He felt this release of stress leave him.

We each threw a rose down in her casket and kept one to keep. My son took his rose and put it in water,he even put the vase outside on the table. Looked really nice. My heart broke again but the thought warmed my soul.


So so beautiful Nellie. Your post moved me deeply. I'm reminded of how I kept a bouquet of pink roses which my godmother brought for mom. I still have the pink riboon that went around it. Little reminders of an everlasting fragrance.

Bless you  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on June 19, 2007, 10:22:01 PM
Oh, Nellie, darling...please know you are in the thoughts of all of us here who love you.

The roses...*sigh*  Symbols of the love you all felt for her, and the love she gave to you.  I'm grateful you had that, dear one.

My heart is with you, always, mi hermana.   :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on June 20, 2007, 04:39:30 AM
{{{{{{{Nellie}}}}}}}
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nax on June 20, 2007, 05:07:49 AM
Thinking of you Nellie - you were there for me  :-*  I also kept roses from my parents funerals, I have dried and preserved them with instructions they are to go in my casket when the time comes.  Every time I see roses I remember them - this is a good thing.

Hugs from acoss the pond.

N.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Caithness on June 20, 2007, 08:11:04 AM
Nellie, my heart.

Thinking of and praying for you and your family.

Arms always round you and yours.

Malcolm
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on June 21, 2007, 03:51:55 AM
((((Nellie))))

I,too, kept roses from both the sad and happy occasions, dried the petals, and placed them in a container of rose petals that I inherited from my grandmother.  They held special memories of hers and now mine are added to them.  It makes me feel closer to her...
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on June 21, 2007, 05:22:31 AM
You guys are so wonderful.....thank you so much  :'(

Nellie  :-* :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on June 21, 2007, 05:24:21 AM
You guys are so wonderful.....thank you so much :'(

Nellie :-* :-*


:-* :-*

back at ya, honey!  Love ya!  Chin up!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: chapeaugris on June 21, 2007, 09:24:26 AM
My father died on June 5th. He was 87 and died in his sleep at my parents' home in Florida. The day before,  he drove himself to the doctor to be treated for a bad cold. This was exactly the way he wanted to go. A few days later we had a memorial gathering by the beach down the street from the house, where people from the neighborhood come every evening to watch the sun set over the Gulf of Mexico. Dad was a photographer for the Washington Post for 35 years so we put up lots of pictures of him, and of famous people he had photographed. There was a long obituary in the Post that day, and we printed it out from the paper's web site and posted it.  We drank wine and shared anecdotes. My sister had found in the house a scrap of paper on which my father had copied down two verses from the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam.

Ah, make the most of what we yet may spend,
Before we too into the Dust descend;
Dust into Dust, and under Dust to lie
Sans Wine, sans Song, sans Singer, and--sans End!

Then to the lip of this poor earthen Urn
I lean'd, the Secret of my Life to learn:
And Lip to Lip it murmur'd--"While you live
Drink!--for, once dead, you never shall return."


She read them aloud, and we toasted him as the sun set. The next day we scattered his ashes on his favorite beach.

The hardest part is dealing with my step-mother, who is bi-polar and went through yet another severe depression starting about 2 years ago. It's under control again but she is a shell of her old self and mentally adrift. My siblings and I had to move her immediately into an assisted-living facility because there was no way she could live on her own.

Until we got her moved into the home I couldn't properly mourn my father because we were so preoccupied with her situation. The day before I flew back to France I rode my father's bike to the library to check my email. Before I left the house my sister handed me her iPod and told me to listen to Pat Metheny and Charlie Haden's Beyond the Missouri Sky album. I skipped directly to the piece "Spiritual" because I knew Annie Proulx had listened to it while writing the dozy embrace scene. I had seen Brokeback in Florida with my parents when I was visiting them at the height of my step-mother's crisis and afterwards I'd been a wreck -- heartshot on top of heartbroken. I remembered  the shot of the DECEASED postcard, and how a silent ripple had gone through the audience full of old people. I had shed tears not just for Jack but also for my father, who I knew was failing. Listening to that haunting music while pedaling slowly in the stifling tropical heat, brought back that week when my heart had felt like a heavy stone in my chest, and I just lost it.  Fortunately, nobody walks around outside at midday in Florida in the summer so I could sob unobserved.

I hadn't planned to post anything here, or at such length. But losing your last parent is a rite of passage and I thought I should write it all down in this forum, where I have spent so much time.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on June 21, 2007, 09:29:48 AM
I hadn't planned to post anything here, or at such length. But losing your last parent is a rite of passage and I thought I should write it all down in this forum, where I have spent so much time.

But I'm glad you did.  Thank you for sharing this story at such a difficult time in your life.  I'm glad you and your family were able to share funny stories and memories about your father.


Ah, make the most of what we yet may spend,
Before we too into the Dust descend;
Dust into Dust, and under Dust to lie
Sans Wine, sans Song, sans Singer, and--sans End!

Then to the lip of this poor earthen Urn
I lean'd, the Secret of my Life to learn:
And Lip to Lip it murmur'd--"While you live
Drink!--for, once dead, you never shall return."


And thank you for posting this!  So meaningful!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on June 21, 2007, 09:51:00 AM
Kim...

Warm hugs... a beautiful set of memories you posted.

I'm sure you know that I lost both of my parents not too long ago. Is life changing, losing a parent... A loneliness filled my heart for quite a while after Mom died. Made me think how we are born alone, die alone, and how we are in a constant search for connection throughout our lives.

I thank all those here for helping fill that need in mine.

Wishing you warmth and comfort, Kim.

Holding your hand,
Rob
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on June 21, 2007, 10:12:29 AM
Oh, Kim, my heart goes out to you. Please accept my deepest sympathies.   :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: chapeaugris on June 21, 2007, 02:57:56 PM
Thank you Chuck, Rob and Jackie. I feel very peaceful about my father. In the last months we spoke several times a week and I feel nothing was left unsaid.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on June 21, 2007, 04:12:08 PM
Kim, I'm sorry....  I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.  What a beautiful tribute to your father on the beach with family and friends, sharing memories of him at sunset. 

My father died 11 years ago yesterday and it was like someone shot a hole in my heart.  He was only in his early 60's.  When he died we honored his wishes to have a memorial service instead of a funeral.  He was very well known in the music field and many of his professional colleagues asked to pay musical tribute to him.  Former students also asked to be a part of the service.  We ended up with a tribute concert of music performed by family and friends intespersed with stories, anecdotes, and the sharing of lots of good memories that lasted for most of the afternoon.  There was laughter through the tears as Dad would have wanted it that way.  Actually, he wouldn't have wanted the tears.  It made us feel closer to him in his absence.  The most touching tribute was by our oldest child, then just 15, who stood up in front of 400 people, said "this is for you, Grampie," and played a fairly difficult piece for him on the clarinet accompanied by her father on the piano.  How she did that without crying I do not know.  I could not see her through my own tears, but I heard her play it beautifully, just for him. 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on June 21, 2007, 05:28:55 PM
The most touching tribute was by our oldest child, then just 15, who stood up in front of 400 people, said "this is for you, Grampie," and played a fairly difficult piece for him on the clarinet accompanied by her father on the piano.  How she did that without crying I do not know.  I could not see her through my own tears, but I heard her play it beautifully, just for him. 


I teared up just reading that.  What a strong daughter you have.  I would never have been able to do that.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on June 21, 2007, 06:44:17 PM
The most touching tribute was by our oldest child, then just 15, who stood up in front of 400 people, said "this is for you, Grampie," and played a fairly difficult piece for him on the clarinet accompanied by her father on the piano.  How she did that without crying I do not know.  I could not see her through my own tears, but I heard her play it beautifully, just for him. 


I teared up just reading that.  What a strong daughter you have.  I would never have been able to do that.

A musician myself, I could not have done that.  She's pretty amazing.  She and my dad shared the bond of music just as I had shared that same bond with him growing up.   
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on June 21, 2007, 08:31:17 PM
MaineGirl, I so loved the tribute to your father. And, I mourn his passing.  A man who inspires such dedication in his grandchildren is worth praise.

Bless your daughter, you and the man who gave you such a gift.


-Jackie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on June 21, 2007, 08:41:40 PM
MaineGirl, I so loved the tribute to your father. And, I mourn his passing.  A man who inspires such dedication in his grandchildren is worth praise.

Bless your daughter, you and the man who gave you such a gift.


-Jackie


Thank you, Jackie, for your kind words.  I do feel truly blessed.....
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on June 22, 2007, 07:34:58 AM

<snip>

Until we got her moved into the home I couldn't properly mourn my father because we were so preoccupied with her situation. The day before I flew back to France I rode my father's bike to the library to check my email. Before I left the house my sister handed me her iPod and told me to listen to Pat Metheny and Charlie Haden's Beyond the Missouri Sky album. I skipped directly to the piece "Spiritual" because I knew Annie Proulx had listened to it while writing the dozy embrace scene. I had seen Brokeback in Florida with my parents when I was visiting them at the height of my step-mother's crisis and afterwards I'd been a wreck -- heartshot on top of heartbroken. I remembered the shot of the DECEASED postcard, and how a silent ripple had gone through the audience full of old people. I had shed tears not just for Jack but also for my father, who I knew was failing. Listening to that haunting music while pedaling slowly in the stifling tropical heat, brought back that week when my heart had felt like a heavy stone in my chest, and I just lost it. Fortunately, nobody walks around outside at midday in Florida in the summer so I could sob unobserved.

I hadn't planned to post anything here, or at such length. But losing your last parent is a rite of passage and I thought I should write it all down in this forum, where I have spent so much time.

I want to thank you so much for posting this...it sent my heart in all directions. I send you my warmest hugs and thoughts your way,hon. Having a few good cries is necessary and much needed. I too listen to that music,sent to me by a good friend from this Forum..it's very moving and haunting.

((hugs)) to you

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on June 22, 2007, 07:41:55 AM
Kim, I'm sorry....  I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.  What a beautiful tribute to your father on the beach with family and friends, sharing memories of him at sunset. 

My father died 11 years ago yesterday and it was like someone shot a hole in my heart.  He was only in his early 60's.  When he died we honored his wishes to have a memorial service instead of a funeral.  He was very well known in the music field and many of his professional colleagues asked to pay musical tribute to him.  Former students also asked to be a part of the service.  We ended up with a tribute concert of music performed by family and friends intespersed with stories, anecdotes, and the sharing of lots of good memories that lasted for most of the afternoon.  There was laughter through the tears as Dad would have wanted it that way.  Actually, he wouldn't have wanted the tears.  It made us feel closer to him in his absence.  The most touching tribute was by our oldest child, then just 15, who stood up in front of 400 people, said "this is for you, Grampie," and played a fairly difficult piece for him on the clarinet accompanied by her father on the piano.  How she did that without crying I do not know.  I could not see her through my own tears, but I heard her play it beautifully, just for him. 

This is beautiful....I'm so proud of your daughter and I don't even know her....made me tear up...again

Thank you for these warm words from all of you...your stories from your heart are so uplifting to me...I'm surprised my aunt's passing has affected me so much..I can't even imagine what it will be like when my parents die,you'll have to medicate me. But reading all this is very soothing to me...thank you

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: jwm on June 25, 2007, 10:15:14 PM
This is my first time here, Dal suggested that I come. The last few years have been hard for me, I lost my sister, best friend a few years ago, and yet it seems like it was yesterday. I took it very hard and the only thing that kept me from curling up in a ball and crawling into the corner and giving up was my mother. She was 84 when Joanne left us, and I stepped in to took her in since Joanne looked after her prior.

 I had no choice but keep my grief in because I had to be strong for mom and my sisters girls and grandbabies. They looked to me for strength why I don't know because I was barely holding it together. Losing her is the hardest, worst, terrifying time in my life. Oh I had my own private melt down, lived on pills and denial just to be able to wake up in the morning and function. I had too many people depending on me.

 I took care of Joanne and my mom at her house the last year she was here. I felt I had to spend as much time with her as possible and she needed me. I was on my way for a breakdown even then, but you do what you have to do. I am married but I felt that when she left she took the best part of me with her, even my husband said, I want my Wendy back. Well she is gone and I doubt if she will ever be back and for that I am sorry for him and the rest of my family. Something died in me that day, and my life as I knew it was gone forever.

 I know everyone says be strong and it should be back to normal by now but then my mom passed last year. I was lost, I felt now that no one needed me, and no matter what I did I couldn't make a difference and keep them here with me. I know now that it sounds strange but that is how I felt. I am just now letting myself mourn for my sister and my mom. It has been a very hard and long journey and my poor husband stuck with me through it all. It was not a pretty sight looking at myself in the mirror because I didn't know who I was anymore.

 I had just written in another thread about how Jack and Ennis and this tragic story has taken my mind off things, instead of feeling sorry for my self and missing what once was I am now obsessed with them, which in a way is a good thing. I hadn't felt like anything interested me or kept my attention for very long. I was always miles away in my mind someplace where I would go too and just try and make it through another day. I sometimes scared myself that one day I would go there and not come back.

 When my sister told me she had breast cancer, I thought OK, I had it and survived it so she will too. I told her I would be with her every step of the way. Which when I had it I didn't let anyone know how bad the treatments were and I went to them everyday alone. I was not going to let her go through that alone.
 Well sorry I hadn't planned on writing a book here but I just wanted to put down some of my hidden thoughts and everyone I know now thinks it is over and everything is OK. So again I am going through it alone.
 Thankyou for listening.

Wendy
 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Tigs on June 25, 2007, 10:19:51 PM
{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}},

You will never be alone as long as you are with us on this forum!

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Sal
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on June 26, 2007, 12:30:08 AM
Wendy... Sweetheart dear...

Please know that you are NOT alone.

I lost my mother to what started out as breast cancer in August of 2004. In January 2006 my father died of emphysema and heart issues.

Losing both of my parents, who hadn't been together in over 40 years, was extremely difficult for me. Funny thing was, I wasn't really close to either one of them, though their deaths affected me like nothing ever had before. After Mom's death I found myself confused, depressed, lost and on another planet. Then came our movie, which like for you, put me on another plane. Six weeks or so after seeing our movie for the first time my father died which brought me back to the misery I felt after Mom died, though the pain wasn't quite as bad.

I think the pain we feel when someone so close to us leaves us, like my parents and your sister and mom, makes us remember how close we are to their fate. How quickly something can come upon us and rob us of the "misery" of putting up with another day. Ennis and Jack's story reminds those of us suffering (and isn't that ALL of us?), that if we don't make some sort of push in our lives we may leave as lonely as they. As empty...

I have healed to quite some degree since my parents left. I am able to laugh again. My memory has returned... the flaky, spacey feelings I had have since left and happiness, and even joy and laughter has rejoined my life. It will for you too, when the time is right, so please, dear one, don't give up hope!

I cry now as I write this recalling the misery I lived through. I look forward in the coming months to hear from you that all is okay again, that life for you has returned to some sense of normalcy and comfort.

Until then, please know that I am there, hugging you, offering you as much comfort as I can muster.

Sleep well, darling. Life awaits, and it's full of love and compassion for you and those like you who seem to suffer alone.

Holding your hand,
Rob
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on June 26, 2007, 12:43:45 AM
Wendy...

Joanne was my mothers' name.

Just to let you know...
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: chapeaugris on June 26, 2007, 01:55:49 AM
Wendy, I teared up at this because I'm close to my sister and can't imagine the pain I would feel if she died before me. Our father passed away earlier this month and during the week we were together making arrangements we told each other over and over "I'm so glad you're here." I am delighted to have two daughters, and while they are not especially close now, I tell them they will be glad to have one another when they're older.

I can't think of anything comforting to say, but I hope BBM will serve as a stepping stone to some peace for you.

Kim
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on June 26, 2007, 05:06:57 AM
(((((Wendy))))) 

You are not alone.  My heart goes out to you. 

When my father died I became the "caretaker" of everyone else in the family, especially my step-mother who could barely get through each day.  I had to be strong for her and and take charge of certain things when I felt as you do, that a part of me was gone forever and near a breakdown myself.  I felt totally alone in my grief because I felt that I couldn't share it with anyone - in my mind they needed my strength or everything would fall apart. Truth is that I was falling apart.  It was not until long after the memorial service, which didn't take place until almost a month after his death, that I could truly mourn for my father.  It seemed at the time that the old me would never come back, and perhaps to some degree she hasn't.  Our lives are never the same when someone close to us is not there anymore.   I cannot imagine the pain of losing a sister and a parent so close together. 



I know everyone says be strong and it should be back to normal by now but then my mom passed last year. I was lost, I felt now that no one needed me, and no matter what I did I couldn't make a difference and keep them here with me. I know now that it sounds strange but that is how I felt. I am just now letting myself mourn for my sister and my mom. It has been a very hard and long journey and my poor husband stuck with me through it all. It was not a pretty sight looking at myself in the mirror because I didn't know who I was anymore.


One thing that I have learned through this journey of grief is to give yourself time, and to allow yourself to mourn.  Each of us is different and there is no such thing as "being back to normal by now".  What is "normal" anyway?  It may not be what "normal" was before. 

The laughter and the joy eventually returned to me, but the hole in my life that my father left when he died is still there.  The pain of his death has dimmed a bit, but only a bit, over time (it has been 11 years), and now my heart is filled with the good memories and good times that we shared.  In time you will find healing, but in your own time.  Please know that we are all here for you.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sue
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on June 26, 2007, 10:50:54 AM
Wendy, darling, you are not alone, as Sal (Tigs) said.  We are all here for you.  Thank you for sharing your sadness, as strange as that comment may seem.  Sorrow is a common bond among humans.  It binds us as strongly as love, and friendship.  We choose to bind ourselves in friendship here on the Forum, and are here for you...and each other, dear sister.

-Jackie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on June 26, 2007, 12:47:41 PM
Wendy, sending you warm thoughts, prayers, love, and hugs!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: jwm on June 26, 2007, 05:01:34 PM
I would like to thank all of you for your kind and heartfelt words. It has been a god send this forum to me. I just found this thread and I believe I will be here quite often. Again thanks.
 wendy
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on June 30, 2007, 07:11:00 PM
Two stories to tell tonight.

Many years ago I bought Scott a rainbow wind sock that had musical notes on it. It has hung on the back patio all these years.

Lately, it has become torn and tattered. I've been unable to find a replacement.

Tonight, I took it down, cut off the tattered pieces, but enough is left to keep, forever remembering my dear Scott.

Interesting, that I am now seeing someone new, a lot younger than me, a lot younger, and not musical. But often he has said, "I'm a lot like Scott", and he is.

hmm

Dan

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on June 30, 2007, 07:15:55 PM
Second story,

Tonight I was talking to my Sister.

She told me that they had a linden tree and it had never bloomed. My Brother-in-Law, Pete, always wanted it to bloom, but he never saw it.

This past week, it bloomed, and my Sister sat under it to smell the blooms. While she did, a large butterfly flew around it, settled on the blossoms. then flew away. Barb (my Sister) said, hello Pete.

While we were talking on the phone (she lives thousands of miles away), I was sitting out on my deck, and a butterfly flew right in front of me across the deck, and stayed in my yard the whole time we were on the phone.

We knew Pete was there with us.

Dan

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on June 30, 2007, 08:43:22 PM
Very nice stories, Dan...

The linden trees are just starting to bloom here... They are large, perhaps 30 foot tall... on a warm day their fragrance is wonderful!

Hugs,
Rob
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on June 30, 2007, 09:11:53 PM
Dear Dan,

It's very nice that you get sent butterflies!  After my mother died I had a fax machine turn on and off and her photo fall off the wall (this was on the day I found out about her death).  She always told me she'd send a sign if possible.

Then again recently when my friend Tom died I had the same fax machine turn on and off.  I wasn't expecting that one - I kind of like to think it was my mother letting me know that Tom made it.

Wendy and Kim - you are in my thoughts.  I wish you peace and comfort.

mf

p.s. - I should mention that I did notice a rather large Tiger Swallowtail the last time I was in the park outside work - so maybe I'm getting the butterflies too!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on July 01, 2007, 12:30:30 AM
Dan, thanks so much for sharing your stories with us. It is hard to let go of the pieces of the things that remind us of our loved ones. I still have a couple of Rick's things. When the time is right for me I will let them go just as you have. I found his ring the other day as I was unpacking.

Rick has been on my shoulder for awhile now during all my changes and I see his smile. He knows I am happy. I feel like I am living again as you are.

My thoughts are with you.

Linda 

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: jack on July 01, 2007, 07:43:20 PM
i am happy you know that linda...
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on July 01, 2007, 07:54:40 PM
Dan, thanks for sharing your personal stories!  What lovely thoughts!

Auntie, I know that Rick is looking down on you and smiling!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on July 01, 2007, 08:43:41 PM
i am happy you know that linda...

Thanks Jack  :-*  It has been a journey  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on July 02, 2007, 05:18:22 AM
Dan, thank you for sharing the story of the butterflies.  How beautiful....

Long ago my grandmother gave me cuttings from a family heirloom Christmas cactus.  I nurtured it and took great care with it, but it never bloomed.......until after she died.   


Rick has been on my shoulder for awhile now during all my changes and I see his smile. He knows I am happy. I feel like I am living again as you are.


This is beautiful.....
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: brian on July 05, 2007, 04:12:16 PM
Today is  the first anniversary of my Mother's death. I want to thank you again for the many messages sent to me at that time. This Forum was such a blessing to me at that time. I have kept them all and passed them onto my sister. I do feel for those of you who have posted since re your losses but am not as eloquent as many of you and it seems a bit paltry to say "me too"
My mother's last words as my sister and I stood by her was "together" and yesterday (the day if not the date) we went to the Sydney Symphony at the Opera House to hear Mahler's 6th. We have a subscription series which we cancelled in the last year of Mum's life as the two of us could not leave her at the same time. Since her death we have gone to lunch and movies together fairly regularly and went round the world together in April-May so hopefully we are fulfilling her last wish. I know mum was largely worried about me as my sister has a husband but I am all alone. There are no other members of our family except cousins who live 100's of miles away and we rarely see.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on July 05, 2007, 04:55:53 PM
Brian, it doesn't matter if you are "eloquent" or not.  Your thoughts and heart are in the right place, and knowing that you were here for us means a lot.

Sending you hugs and love.


Chuck
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: DeTina on July 07, 2007, 09:56:06 PM
Hi, Has anyone had the experience of a loved one's death hitting you months after the death? I thought I had done my crying and that I was doing okay, but now 9 months later I'm suddenly realizing omg my Mom is gone! She was quite impaired for a couple of years before she died, so I feel like after she died I mourned the loss of that old lady who I cared for and now I'm thinking about my "real" Mom--my Mom who was well my Mom all those years. My Dad and mother in law died two years ago and my older brother died  ten years ago. I recently completed an 8 week  bereavement group run by our hospice, which was good but in some ways just made me feell all those losses even more. My brother and sister seem to be handling everything very differently than me.

I so appreciate reading the other entries here. I just found this and have read only a few pages.Thanks
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on July 07, 2007, 11:37:47 PM
Hi, Has anyone had the experience of a loved one's death hitting you months after the death? I thought I had done my crying and that I was doing okay, but now 9 months later I'm suddenly realizing omg my Mom is gone! She was quite impaired for a couple of years before she died, so I feel like after she died I mourned the loss of that old lady who I cared for and now I'm thinking about my "real" Mom--my Mom who was well my Mom all those years. My Dad and mother in law died two years ago and my older brother died  ten years ago. I recently completed an 8 week  bereavement group run by our hospice, which was good but in some ways just made me feell all those losses even more. My brother and sister seem to be handling everything very differently than me.

I so appreciate reading the other entries here. I just found this and have read only a few pages.Thanks


Hello De Tina. I just read your post and it reminded me so much of what I've been feeling over the past 10 days or so. I lost my  mother this January and I had posted quite a bit about it on this thread. I think you have come to the right place because I can tell you that the people here held me up and helped me to steer through the initial days of feeling the loss of a person who was quite different in the last two weeks of her life from the one I knew as my mom. Now six months later,  the reality of having actually lost my mother, has hit me. I lost the elder of my two brothers six years ago and I find myself suddenly feeling this void along with the sense of of loss of my mom.  I can imagine how much harder it must be hitting you as your mother was impaired for all of two years. Over those two years it would have been a struggle for you to try and reach the person you know and love  through the altered persona that she would have conveyed. 

In some ways I think going back and dwelling on the bereavement can hurt more. This tends to happen during some of these coping programs. I think it might have sharpened the perception of your losses and made you feel the combined impact of all of them. I really have not found a way to work through what I'm experiencing right now, except that I'm confident that speaking up here will definitely lead me to something. And perhaps once we have let ourselves be hit by the worst of the feelings, it will start to get better from that point.
It does feel so much better to be in it together and sharing with one another.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: brian on July 08, 2007, 01:34:19 AM
When my mother died, an ex-student sent me an email "You'll always miss your mum."
I think this is so true. I was talking to a lady in her 70's whose eyes filled with tears as she told me about her mum who died when she was in her 20's.
I have seen my sister's eyes (like you she cared for my mum until the last) fill with tears as we talk about it now being a year since Mum passed away. I also am beginning to remember more things from when Mum was much younger and miss those aspects of her rather than the frail little old lady I had to spoon feed in the last few weeks.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on July 08, 2007, 02:28:46 AM
I have seen my sister's eyes (like you she cared for my mum until the last) fill with tears as we talk about it now being a year since Mum passed away. I also am beginning to remember more things from when Mum was much younger and miss those aspects of her rather than the frail little old lady I had to spoon feed in the last few weeks.

((((((Brian))))))) you are so right. And these things we miss, the recollections of a younger, stronger person will also sustain us
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Tigs on July 08, 2007, 05:09:24 AM
Hi, Has anyone had the experience of a loved one's death hitting you months after the death? I thought I had done my crying and that I was doing okay, but now 9 months later I'm suddenly realizing omg my Mom is gone! She was quite impaired for a couple of years before she died, so I feel like after she died I mourned the loss of that old lady who I cared for and now I'm thinking about my "real" Mom--my Mom who was well my Mom all those years. My Dad and mother in law died two years ago and my older brother died  ten years ago. I recently completed an 8 week  bereavement group run by our hospice, which was good but in some ways just made me feell all those losses even more. My brother and sister seem to be handling everything very differently than me.

I so appreciate reading the other entries here. I just found this and have read only a few pages.Thanks

I lost my Dad 10 years ago, at the time it didn't really hit me. He had been a healthy and happy 63 year old man.  I cried at the funeral, but had to be strong for my Mum.  I sorted out all the paperwork after Dad died to take the stress away from my Mum.

Six months later it hit me like a steamroller!  My Dad would never be coming home.  I suffered a slight mental breakdown and thanks to the love and support from my closest friends I got through it.  It does happen but eventually you will get over it.  I now think of my Dad and all I see are happy memories of my childhood, growing into a woman and of the last day he was alive. I smile to myself quite a bit thinking of him!!  I agree with Brian - you will always miss them!!

Sending thoughts, love and hugs your way

Sal      ;D
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: beckela on July 08, 2007, 07:37:11 AM
My mother died in 1975 at age 50. I, too, had to support others at the time -- my father and my younger brother. Ten years later it hit me -- yes, ten years!  The sobs that suddenly, inexplicably wracked me came from the depths of my very soul. I have never cried like that -- ever! And haven't since.

All I can say is don't question it, just let it happen. You WILL get through it and be better off for it. We all tend to "stuff" our deepest feelings, and it is the worst thing we can do to ourselves. We lose touch with other important feelings as a result -- and there are inevitably physical ramifications as well. Talking with someone close to you is a must, someone who will just let you talk AND cry and not try to "fix it" for you. There is no fixing; you have to let it overtake you and do its healing in its own way.

No doubt easier said than done, but there it is. My heart aches for all who have lost someone dear -- recently or long ago.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on July 08, 2007, 07:50:03 AM

All I can say is don't question it, just let it happen. You WILL get through it and be better off for it. We all tend to "stuff" our deepest feelings, and it is the worst thing we can do to ourselves. We lose touch with other important feelings as a result -- and there are inevitably physical ramifications as well. Talking with someone close to you is a must, someone who will just let you talk AND cry and not try to "fix it" for you. There is no fixing; you have to let it overtake you and do its healing in its own way.

These are beautiful and wise words .. yes I think we need to surrender to the very real feelings that grab hold of us and not suppress them. I'm so relieved and thankful to have this place where people let you talk and cry and do not try to FIX anything.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on July 08, 2007, 05:54:17 PM
Dear John,

Today I was listening to your last CD 'The Ape of Naples' and heard the lyrics to 'Fire of the Mind' ('Does death come alone or with eager reinforcements?') and was overcome.  I still miss you.  It makes no sense, but then, I suppose it never will.

I still love you and your music and am so very, very sad that it ended the way it did.

love always,

Michael

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Balance

http://equ.in/ox/music/coil/lyrics_ape_of_naples.php
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: jack on July 08, 2007, 08:18:47 PM
repost from caring thread::

thank you...
Quote
thanks lydia...

i went to a meeting last night i haven't been to for a while.  (we rented a car for the weekend for chores).  i never noticed before, but they read this dopey paragraph from something, i don't even know what, and they call it peace of mind.

what is says, briefly, is that the amount of peace of mind you take away from a situation is directly proportional to the peace of mind you bring to it.  i really haven't been doing that good of a job contributing to my mother's peace of mind in any way she can appreciate it.  i think its a guy thing.  we go after the mechanics of a situation rather than try to give the other what they are actually asking for.  that is especially difficult for me in this instance because little shy of self immolation might suffice, and even that would be met with disapproval of the abandonment inherent in the act.

i think lovely and  someone else helped me out over on the mourning thread, talking about missing the mother they REALLY remembered., and i realized that MY mother really hasn't been there since my father's death.  she had put ALL her faith in him, rather than in any god or man.  his passing destroyed her world, and she lives on only because it was so ordered, and she wouldn't displease him by giving up.

KNOW i remember the vivacious intelligent caring woman of many years ago, and i can mourn her passing, as no flashes of her remain in this fearful negative shell, at least none that i can find.

my best wish for her is that she can relax into a childlike existence that i have seen some memory impaired patience arrive at.  each day a delight of new things, no matter how oft repeated.

in the meantime...
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Cyprian on August 31, 2007, 05:30:11 AM
It is one year to this day that my great friend HRH Matene Aniru Hamiora Tu te Ao Maringi (otherwise known as martin600 on this forum) died very suddenly. I miss him dearly and think of him every day. He found a certain consolation in this forum, as it put his own relationship into perspective, being able to communicate with intelligent, like minded people was a boon to him. With the deepest respect to him and his great family, I would like to thank those people who have maintained correspondence with me. You are very dear to me.

xxxx
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Boris on August 31, 2007, 06:13:51 AM
Hi Cyprian. I didn't know Martin well but had read some of his posts. But I do remember him.

We're all richer because of him. You never know how and whwre someone might touch you, help you see better and then they leave.
At different states in our lives, the signs of love may vary: dependence, attraction, contentment, worry, loyalty, grief, but at the heart, the source is always the same. Human beings have the rare capacity to connect with each other, against all odds.

The pain passes, but the beauty remains

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Cyprian on September 06, 2007, 06:47:19 PM
Hi Boris, Thankyou for your beautiful words.....
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on September 06, 2007, 06:54:42 PM
My cousin, Larry, died a few days ago, of throat cancer, after a year of struggle.  He and I were not close, but his parents, my Aunt Juanita, and my Uncle Jimmy, my dad's brother, are my closest and most dear friends, and I honor their pain and mine by stating that love knows no time, no place, no blood.


Larry was my adopted cousin, no less loved, no less mourned.  Larry!!!!!!!!!!!!   :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on September 06, 2007, 07:11:08 PM
((((((((((((((((((JACKIE))))))))))))))))))))))

and

((((((((((((((((((CYPRIAN))))))))))))))))))))))

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on September 06, 2007, 08:04:53 PM
Jackie, I'm so sorry to hear about your family's loss!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CANSTANDIT on September 06, 2007, 09:26:33 PM
My cousin, Larry, died a few days ago, of throat cancer, after a year of struggle.  He and I were not close, but his parents, my Aunt Juanita, and my Uncle Jimmy, my dad's brother, are my closest and most dear friends, and I honor their pain and mine by stating that love knows no time, no place, no blood.


Larry was my adopted cousin, no less loved, no less mourned.  Larry!!!!!!!!!!!!   :-* :-* :-*
Ah, Jackie...my sympathies to you and yours.....
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on September 07, 2007, 04:06:02 AM
It is one year to this day that my great friend HRH Matene Aniru Hamiora Tu te Ao Maringi (otherwise known as martin600 on this forum) died very suddenly. I miss him dearly and think of him every day. He found a certain consolation in this forum, as it put his own relationship into perspective, being able to communicate with intelligent, like minded people was a boon to him. With the deepest respect to him and his great family, I would like to thank those people who have maintained correspondence with me. You are very dear to me.

xxxx

(((((Cyprian)))))   My sympathies to you on this anniversary

My cousin, Larry, died a few days ago, of throat cancer, after a year of struggle.  He and I were not close, but his parents, my Aunt Juanita, and my Uncle Jimmy, my dad's brother, are my closest and most dear friends, and I honor their pain and mine by stating that love knows no time, no place, no blood.


Larry was my adopted cousin, no less loved, no less mourned.  Larry!!!!!!!!!!!!   :-* :-* :-*

 ((((((((Jackie))))))))  

My thoughts are with you, your aunt and uncle, and the rest of the family.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on September 07, 2007, 07:51:41 AM
Thank you, all.  I just now passed on your sympathies to my aunt and uncle, who were pleased that strangers to them would acknowledge their grief.  Thank you, again.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nax on September 07, 2007, 07:55:31 AM
and the kindness of stangers means there is hope for humanity.


(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Jackie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

for remembering your friend

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Cyprian))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on September 07, 2007, 08:00:26 AM
(((((((((((((((Neil)))))))))))))))))))



Cyprian, I apologize for not mentioning YOUR loss of Martin.  It seems like yesterday when I first heard of his passing and it was a year ago.  *sigh*
I did not know him, but saw the sorrow his loss caused those who did.  My sincerest condolences to all who loved Martin.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on September 07, 2007, 07:25:04 PM
Yesterday my friend Signe called to let me know that her brother in law Percy Rodriguez had died.  Percy was such a sweet man - he was kind and loving to Signe's sister Karen, and was a loving family member for both Signe and her mom.  I just talked with him on the phone a little while ago before going to Vancouver - he was from Canada and I told him about my trip.

For those of you who are Star Trek fans you may remember him as Commander Stone from the Memory Alpha episode:

http://memory-alpha.org/en/wiki/Percy_Rodriguez

He also starred on Peyton Place as Dr. Harry Miles.  He was a real sweetheart and I will miss him, even though I knew him for only a few years.  Here's his filmography on IMDB:

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0735471/

Godspeed Percy - at home in the stars!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on September 07, 2007, 07:59:59 PM
I remember Mr. Rodriquez VERY well, Michael.  I watched that episode of STAR TREK when it first came out.  I just looked at his Imdb listings, and it seems I saw him in MANY things over the years.

My condolences to his family. 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: BayCityJohn on September 22, 2007, 03:28:32 PM
THE SHARED CREDITS OF PAUL LYNDE & ALICE GHOSTLEY


(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.baycityforums.com%2Fimages%2Fghostl1.jpg&hash=90d22426f0a53b1735b4b1ef4714a431)  (https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.baycityforums.com%2Fimages%2Fghostl2.jpg&hash=3f08d8cb7a47ec89f9c7ac695012b8dd)


http://home.columbus.rr.com/paullynde/ghostley.htm (http://home.columbus.rr.com/paullynde/ghostley.htm)

PROJECT YEAR(S) DETAILS
NEW FACES OF 1952 1952-54 BROADWAY & NATIONAL TOUR
FREEDOM RINGS 1953TV GAME SHOW ON WHICH GHOSTLEY STARRED. PAUL GUESTED.
NEW FACES 1954MOVIE VERSION OF POPULAR REVUE
DIG WE MUST 1959STOCK REVUE
BEST OF NEW FACES 1960TV SPECIAL
HOLLYWOOD SQUARES 1967BILL BIXBY, MARTIN LANDAU, JANIS PAIGE, SOUPY SALES, LARRY STORCH, CHARLEY WEAVER & SOMEONE ELSE
JONATHAN WINTERS SHOW 1968-69 TV SERIES – 6 GUEST APPEARANCES TOGETHER
LOVE, AMERICAN STYLE 1971TV SERIES [SEPARATE SEGMENTS]
NEW TEMPERATURES RISING 1973-74 TV SERIES – 9 EPISODES
STOP, THIEF, STOP! 1975SUMMER STOCK
DINAH! 1976TV TALK SHOW
‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS 1977TV SPECIAL
RABBIT TEST 1978MOVIE

And of course Bewitched
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on September 23, 2007, 12:26:11 AM
Thank you, John, for reminding us of the great gifts that these two fine artists shared with the world. 

Bless them both, always.   :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on September 23, 2007, 04:20:12 PM
Pour M. Marceau:
















































 :'( :'( :'(
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: BayCityJohn on September 23, 2007, 04:28:40 PM
.
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNqskkKMkFQ[/youtube]
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on September 23, 2007, 09:38:54 PM
A true genius, who made this a better world.   :'( :'( :'(
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on September 24, 2007, 10:17:09 AM
My cousin, Larry, died a few days ago, of throat cancer, after a year of struggle.  He and I were not close, but his parents, my Aunt Juanita, and my Uncle Jimmy, my dad's brother, are my closest and most dear friends, and I honor their pain and mine by stating that love knows no time, no place, no blood.


Larry was my adopted cousin, no less loved, no less mourned.  Larry!!!!!!!!!!!!   :-* :-* :-*

Jackie...I'm so sorry for your family's loss............((hugs)) hermana... :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on September 24, 2007, 06:52:10 PM
Glenn, I'm sorry for your loss! 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on September 24, 2007, 07:47:06 PM
Glenn, my thoughts are with you.

Sue
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on September 24, 2007, 08:48:29 PM
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi62.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fh86%2FBrokenOkie%2FBowlingPin.jpg&hash=acdbacf7b57b9f0b1688729a71310eaf)

In memory of my friend, Mark P, 9/20/57 - 9/21/07. 
We worked at competing bowling centers many years ago. 
Will miss you, Mark.  Thanks for all the fun and good times.
Go get your 300 game!
Oh,Cousin....my condolences on the loss of your friend/competitor.  Anyone who can give fun and good times is precious.  Mark, get that 300!

 :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on September 27, 2007, 04:27:21 PM
Well,today is the anniversary of my best friend Diane ,23 years ago. She was 18. Her birthday is in September also....what a damn shame.  Her mother died with her. A tragedy.

I 'm just thinking about her,her mom....what would of been. But I know she's up there in heaven,taking care of my little girl....she was good with kids and it makes me smile to know they're both up there together,having fun.

Love you ,Diane
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on September 27, 2007, 04:57:22 PM
(((((((Nellie)))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on September 27, 2007, 10:43:39 PM
Nellie,

In a strange way, maybe, it was Diane who brought you to us, wasn't it?  The way Brokeback reminded you of her, and all that followed?

Blessings upon Diane and her mother, and that beautiful angel of yours. 

I love you, mi hermana.   :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on September 28, 2007, 04:00:06 AM
(((((Nellie)))))

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on September 28, 2007, 08:16:35 AM
Thanks you guys... :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on October 01, 2007, 03:44:20 PM
ow dave has died this afternoon....


(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi61.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fh55%2Fdesertrat77%2Fafrika%2FOuDave1.jpg&hash=b90aebc52624a9d530ed76b1985889fb)


ow (old) dave was a topnaar, a native people related to the san, the bush people, in namibia.
when i lived in namibia, he was an "adopted" grandpa to me. i fell in love with him and his wife, anna.
he had a bad tuberculosis that wouldn't go away but of course he refused to go to a hospital.
in a hospital, he would not have had a chance to work on his car, which was a collection of old parts that he had assembled.
it broke down every other day - but, it was a car. not many topnaar own cars.

he taught me how to weld, i'll be eternally grateful to him. his wife and i had several languages we could speak with each other - english, german, afrikaans.
he spoke a weird mixture of many languages, so we had no words to talk to each other, we did with hands, legs and many, many smiles. and hugs.

ow dave, i will miss you. i hope you are at a place where you can work on your car all day and no jackals eats your chicken.


love, martina.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on October 01, 2007, 03:55:29 PM
Requiem aeternam dona ei, Domine, et lux perpetua luceat eum.

He must have been a wonderful individual, Martina. May he enjoy his afterlife.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Zudos on October 01, 2007, 03:59:50 PM
Martina, hugs from here sweetheart... he sounds like a diamond man...  :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on October 01, 2007, 06:03:42 PM
(((((Martina))))))

A wonderful man...  May he be at peace.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on October 01, 2007, 06:08:50 PM
Martina, thank you for posting this!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on October 01, 2007, 08:47:45 PM
Ow Dave, you touched lives.  You made people better for knowing you.  I am grateful that you were present in the life of my sister, Martina, as is your loving wife, Anna.  May you find, always,a place to work on your cars.

"And I, will always love you..." for loving those who came into your life... :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: BayCityJohn on October 02, 2007, 11:34:47 PM
I met Chuck back in April when I did the book presentation at Perception's monthly meeting in Midland, MI

Chuck was very interested in the book. I don't know if he ever got the chance to read it.

He also said he was sorry he couldn't make it to the Oscar Night screening at the State because he was out of town that weekend.

http://www.perceptionssv.org/newsletter/2007-09.pdf (http://www.perceptionssv.org/newsletter/2007-09.pdf)


(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.baycityforums.com%2Fimages%2FNew_Folder%2FChuckDarr1.jpg&hash=92aaa38321df40211bbc8870464a782f)

(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.baycityforums.com%2Fimages%2FNew_Folder%2FChuckDarr2.jpg&hash=28bcbf722971c7faf547c8c1f1d9acff)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: jack on October 03, 2007, 12:24:35 AM
i haven't the words...

this is a constant threat to the kind hearted, and it seems to happen with the greatest frequency to older gay men.  worse still, until quite recently, the perpetrator often skated by blaming the victim.  this still happens in some states, but is becoming less often the norm, thank god, although that is scant comfort to friends and family of the deceased. 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on October 03, 2007, 08:01:41 AM
Oh, John....

My deepest condolances to all of his family and friends.

And my deepest anger that such terrible tragedies occur. 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on October 03, 2007, 01:54:17 PM
what a tragedy...it's always the best people who are taken from us first....
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Tigs on October 03, 2007, 02:04:44 PM
My Dad always said God takes the best first!!  He took my Dad aged 63.

My condolences John, Chuck was obvioulsy one of the best!!

Sal     :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on October 04, 2007, 01:02:51 AM
Thanks for posting this John.  I'm so sorry to hear that this happened, but sadly not surprised.  I moved from there a long time ago, but it seems so little has changed.  I know you have had other friends meet similar fates in the tri-city area.  My thoughts are with you.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on October 04, 2007, 04:03:39 AM
I am saddened beyond words......... 

and angry that things like this still happen.

My heart goes out to you, John, and to all the others whose lives were touched by this gentle soul.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on October 04, 2007, 09:58:02 AM
Damn, John, that sucks, and my thoughts are with you and Chuck's family.

(((((((John)))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nax on November 12, 2007, 07:19:35 AM
I almost can't believe it's a year since my father passed away, it would have been his birthday last Friday and he died on the 17th of November - this coming Saturday.  My partner has booked us a little holiday for this weekend, only now do I understand why.

Thanks to everyone who helped me this last year in moving on and giving me strength, you'll never know how much it meant to me.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on November 12, 2007, 07:23:47 AM
(((((((((((((((((Darling Neil)))))))))))))))))))))))

Bless your partner for his understanding and compassion.  You are, and will be, in our thoughts, friend.   :-* :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ingmarnicebbmt on November 12, 2007, 07:24:25 AM

Neil, friend - wasn't aware of this, since we hadn't "met" yet one year ago.

Let me give you a big ((((hug)))) and wish you a wonderful weekend, full of shared memories and tenderness.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on November 12, 2007, 08:01:16 AM
it's a year already ? gosh, time is running....and k is a darling, i can understand why you love him so.  ;)

(((neil)))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on November 12, 2007, 08:20:00 AM
(((((((((((((Neil))))))))))))))))

I will be thinking of you.  I didn't "know" you a year ago.  My sympathies.......

K. must be a very special man to have thought ahead to this coming weekend.  From experience, the first anniversary is very hard.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on November 12, 2007, 08:20:07 AM
I almost can't believe it's a year since my father passed away, it would have been his birthday last Friday and he died on the 17th of November - this coming Saturday.  My partner has booked us a little holiday for this weekend, only now do I understand why.

Thanks to everyone who helped me this last year in moving on and giving me strength, you'll never know how much it meant to me.

((((((Neil)))))) I can understand just what you've been through this past year. We'll always be there for you. Bless you and your partner.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on November 12, 2007, 10:55:05 AM
I almost can't believe it's a year since my father passed away, it would have been his birthday last Friday and he died on the 17th of November - this coming Saturday.  My partner has booked us a little holiday for this weekend, only now do I understand why.

Thanks to everyone who helped me this last year in moving on and giving me strength, you'll never know how much it meant to me.

Neil.........thinking of you and hugging you tight....(((((((((((((((((((((( NEIL )))))))))))))))))))))))) :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on November 12, 2007, 01:39:01 PM
(((neil))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ChrisW on November 12, 2007, 02:29:20 PM
I almost can't believe it's a year since my father passed away, it would have been his birthday last Friday and he died on the 17th of November - this coming Saturday.  My partner has booked us a little holiday for this weekend, only now do I understand why.

Thanks to everyone who helped me this last year in moving on and giving me strength, you'll never know how much it meant to me.
big hugs Neil, in these dark days. Enjoy the holiday, what a good idea, love, Chris
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: beckela on November 13, 2007, 06:12:34 AM
What a wonderful space this is -- people reaching out to so many around the world who are suffering such painful losses. My heart is with you all, and I feel compelled to share this with you.

Last Wednesday evening the controller of my company (and my supervisor), Christine, apparently fainted while preparing to take a shower at a hotel where she was staying alone and she fell into the shower, which was spewing scalding water. She was badly burned over 60 percent of her body, many third degree burns. She was airlifted to the new University Hospital here in Denver where she was put into a paralyzing coma in the ICU to help her body begin to heal and to ease the pain. The doctor and staff were optimistic about her survival after nearly five days of treatment, but yesterday her heart gave out. The staff worked 45 minutes trying to revive her, but she was pronounced dead at about 1 pm. She wasn't even 50 years old.

My company's president and I spent the afternoon at the hospital with the family -- everyone, of course, is in shock, including me. My heart aches for Christine's mother, sisters, husband, two sons and beautiful baby granddaughter, whom she adored. There are photos of little Zoey all over one wall of Christine's office.

Christine was the most spiritual person I've ever known; she believed we are all connected whether we like it or not. I am sharing this with you in hopes you will send prayers, positive thoughts, whatever it is you do to Christine's family -- and to me. Christine has been very supportive of me during my recent trials at my office -- a smart, funny, warm and loving friend. I don't know how I will make it through the next three months until my retirement without her. I miss her terribly and always will.

Thank you for listening.

Much love to all,
Beckela


Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: brian on November 13, 2007, 11:51:39 AM
What a wonderful space this is -- people reaching out to so many around the world who are suffering such painful losses. My heart is with you all, and I feel compelled to share this with you.
How terrible, You and Christine's family have my prayers from the other side of the world.
Brian
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: beckela on November 13, 2007, 02:03:45 PM
How terrible, You and Christine's family have my prayers from the other side of the world.
Brian

Thank you, Brian. Amazing how something as simple as your post makes such a difference. We are all so different and so much alike.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on November 13, 2007, 02:07:33 PM
Well it is right at about a month till the 3rd anniversary of my husbands death, but this is a tough month for me as he went into the hospital for the last time on this date. He was put on a respirator, and came off it briefly, but had lost time, thinking it was years before and a different city.

Not sure why I am remembering all this now, maybe because of the big changes in my life. It has been great to be able to come here and share my feelings and what I am going through and know that so many of you are here to listen and to give me support. Thanks.

I cannot say that it gets easier, it has ups and downs, memories come and go, different ones are remembered at different times. I guess this is all just part of it, and have to take them as they occur. Thank all of you for supporting me through these when they crop up.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Boris on November 13, 2007, 02:10:21 PM
Neil... a year? Seems like yesterday, remember. We were supposed to meet in London....

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Neil)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Beckie:

We never know when our time comes. Your friend gave all who knew her much joy when she was here and she used her life wisely: supoorting, encouraging, loving.

You're in my thoughts
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: beckela on November 13, 2007, 04:29:08 PM
I cannot say that it gets easier, it has ups and downs, memories come and go, different ones are remembered at different times. I guess this is all just part of it, and have to take them as they occur. Thank all of you for supporting me through these when they crop up.

Linda, memories can be such beautiful things -- they bring with them the very presence of those we have lost.

Boris, I think of you often and that big bear hug of yours! Estes Park is one memory I will forever treasure. Thank you so much for thinking of me.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on November 13, 2007, 04:32:50 PM
Beckela, my heart goes out to you and to Christine's family and friends.  She must have been a wonderful lady......
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on November 13, 2007, 04:51:36 PM
Well it is right at about a month till the 3rd anniversary of my husbands death, but this is a tough month for me as he went into the hospital for the last time on this date. He was put on a respirator, and came off it briefly, but had lost time, thinking it was years before and a different city.

Not sure why I am remembering all this now, maybe because of the big changes in my life. It has been great to be able to come here and share my feelings and what I am going through and know that so many of you are here to listen and to give me support. Thanks.

I cannot say that it gets easier, it has ups and downs, memories come and go, different ones are remembered at different times. I guess this is all just part of it, and have to take them as they occur. Thank all of you for supporting me through these when they crop up.

(((((((((Linda))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Sharyn on November 13, 2007, 05:01:27 PM

Christine was the most spiritual person I've ever known; she believed we are all connected whether we like it or not.


Beckela,

Thank you for sharing Christine with us. I needed to hear/read what I quoted above and will take it with me...   

I am so very sorry for your loss and the loss to her family, friends, and co-workers. I lost my mother at the age of 24 and she was 54 and it sucks!   You have had to be a pillar of strength these last few days and I'll be thinking of you in the days to come. We'll be here and remember to take care of yourself through this time. 

hugs,
~Sharyn
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ingmarnicebbmt on November 13, 2007, 05:36:50 PM

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Beckela)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Linda))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

No words, just a very tight hug and many many good thoughts for you during these difficult days.

 :-*  :'(

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on November 13, 2007, 06:13:55 PM
Becka, darling...your friend Christine WAS a most wonderful woman, for she inspired such friendship from you. Bless her and her family always...and know that you, dear one, are a benefactor of her life...you got to know her!   :-* :-* :-*

Many hugs,
Jackie



(((((((((Linda)))))))))))))) 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on November 13, 2007, 07:37:00 PM
Quote from: beckela
Christine has been very supportive of me during my recent trials at my office

(((((Beckela))))) - I feel that I have come to know this exceptional lady through you and all that you have shared with me about your friendship. Her spirit has crossed many barriers and touched our lives in unexpected ways. The support she gave you will not be in vain, her life is not in vain. May her spirit soar and reach the heights that it always sought in her lifetime.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on November 13, 2007, 07:44:17 PM



I cannot say that it gets easier, it has ups and downs, memories come and go, different ones are remembered at different times. I guess this is all just part of it, and have to take them as they occur. Thank all of you for supporting me through these when they crop up.


((((((((Linda))))))) I so understand what you're feeling. You have supported me through some really tough times and I am here for you now and always. I am grateful for the way we have shared and are sharing and bonding here.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on November 13, 2007, 08:45:18 PM
[((((((((Linda))))))) I so understand what you're feeling. You have supported me through some really tough times and I am here for you now and always. I am grateful for the way we have shared and are sharing and bonding here.


((((((((((Maya))))))))))))
I know that you do understand, and I have been so blessed to have you here and in my life as well. Your heart and spirit are here for so many of us, and I am lucky to have you as a friend and supporter.

Thanks are not enough.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Tigs on November 13, 2007, 10:01:19 PM
Hugs thoughts and prayers to you all

(((((Neil)))))

(((((Beckela)))))

(((((Linda)))))

Sal     ;D
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: jack on November 13, 2007, 10:09:56 PM
oh hell...

i guess it won't kill me to join you all in a big {{{{group hug}}}}

 believe in that big psychic respository of love and prayers in the universe as well.  add mine.

jack
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on November 13, 2007, 10:38:48 PM
Thanks Sal!!

And thank you so much (((((((((((Jack)))))))))))) :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nax on November 14, 2007, 04:05:27 AM
Sometimes a group hug is the most important thing to have even if it's in VR, having people who understand and support you is invaluable. To give one and to receive one.

(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi171.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fu302%2FAmhacajo%2Fsmiley_huggroup.gif&hash=3d6ff3708cbf69252e369b8f12d0f3ac)

Linda
Beckie
ALL OF YOU
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: beckela on November 14, 2007, 04:06:39 AM
((((((((((MaineGirl Sharyn Ingela Jackie Maya Jack Linda Boris Nax)))))))))

Huge group hug to all! You speak beautiful words and warm me to my core.  :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* for each of you and anyone I missed. Lurkers, too.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on November 27, 2007, 06:13:24 PM
Beckla, I'm keeping Christine's family in my thoughts and prayers.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: beruthiel on December 06, 2007, 08:59:08 AM
Today would have been my mother's 83rd birthday.  It's kind of strange to think of it, but I hope she is now herself again, after having faded away the way she did the last few years of her life.  It was terrible to see, and I wouldn't wish it on anybody.  Anyway, Happy Birthday, Ma.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on December 06, 2007, 12:59:34 PM
((((beruthiel)))), my thoughts are with you today on your mom's birthday.

Dec. 1 would have been my husband's 58 birthday. I too hold to the thought that he is himself again, that shaggy haired, wearing rose colored glasses guy I met 34 years ago in chemisty class.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on December 06, 2007, 02:10:40 PM
((((beruthiel)))), my thoughts are with you today on your mom's birthday.

Dec. 1 would have been my husband's 58 birthday. I too hold to the thought that he is himself again, that shaggy haired, wearing rose colored glasses guy I met 34 years ago in chemisty class.

((((((((((beruthial)))))))))))

((((((((((((Linda))))))))))))) 

You are both in my thoughts and prayers........   
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on December 06, 2007, 02:15:51 PM
((((beruthiel)))), my thoughts are with you today on your mom's birthday.

Dec. 1 would have been my husband's 58 birthday. I too hold to the thought that he is himself again, that shaggy haired, wearing rose colored glasses guy I met 34 years ago in chemisty class.

I didn't know Rick wore rose colored glasses, Linda!  The more I find out about him, the more I think we would have gotten along well.  I'll keep him in my thoughts too.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: beruthiel on December 06, 2007, 03:00:14 PM
Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and hugs. Mid-November to mid-December is rough for me because there's a mixture of birthdays and anniversaries of deaths--all while trying to think about Christmas.

{{{Linda}}}
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on December 06, 2007, 06:15:02 PM
Today would have been my mother's 83rd birthday.  It's kind of strange to think of it, but I hope she is now herself again, after having faded away the way she did the last few years of her life.  It was terrible to see, and I wouldn't wish it on anybody.  Anyway, Happy Birthday, Ma.
My thoughts are with you, friend.  I truly believe that she IS now herself.  Happy Birthday, Ma!  From all of us.   :-*



Linda, hugs to you and your memories of  Rick!   :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on December 06, 2007, 07:17:13 PM
Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and hugs. Mid-November to mid-December is rough for me because there's a mixture of birthdays and anniversaries of deaths--all while trying to think about Christmas.

{{{Linda}}}


Thanks so much beruthiel. This is the same problem I have from the 1st to the 15th, when he passed away.

This is the first year I am decorating since Rick passed away. I figure I have started a new chapter in my life, so I am doing this for myself.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on December 06, 2007, 07:18:53 PM
I didn't know Rick wore rose colored glasses, Linda!  The more I find out about him, the more I think we would have gotten along well.  I'll keep him in my thoughts too.

Yes, Michael he did. Everyone used to say he looked at the world thru rose colored glasses, and I think he did.

Yes the two of you would have gotten along great!!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on December 06, 2007, 07:19:20 PM
(((((((((((((((((LINDA))))))))))))))))))))))))))))





Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on December 06, 2007, 07:21:20 PM
Thanks Fritz, as always!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: beruthiel on December 06, 2007, 07:34:07 PM
My thoughts are with you, friend.  I truly believe that she IS now herself.  Happy Birthday, Ma!  From all of us.   :-*

Thanks!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on December 06, 2007, 07:36:07 PM
Today would have been my mother's 83rd birthday.  It's kind of strange to think of it, but I hope she is now herself again, after having faded away the way she did the last few years of her life.  It was terrible to see, and I wouldn't wish it on anybody.  Anyway, Happy Birthday, Ma.

((((((Beruthiel)))))) I can so understand what you're feeling. Believe me - she IS herself, now, having broken free of the chains of earthly existence that can sometimes twist the real person beyond recognition. What you went through over several years, I had a glimpse of in an intense "capsule" for two weeks. I know that your Ma and mine are both in a good place. And many many butterflies have been flitting in and out through my windows to reassure me of that.

Happy Birthday Ma from me too. :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: beruthiel on December 06, 2007, 08:32:53 PM
((((((Beruthiel)))))) I can so understand what you're feeling. Believe me - she IS herself, now, having broken free of the chains of earthly existence that can sometimes twist the real person beyond recognition. What you went through over several years, I had a glimpse of in an intense "capsule" for two weeks. I know that your Ma and mine are both in a good place. And many many butterflies have been flitting in and out through my windows to reassure me of that.

Happy Birthday Ma from me too. :-*

Hi Lovely!

Thanks, and hugs back to you. 
I am sure that both our mothers are in a good place and are "their best selves." And are sending us butterflies  ;D. I hope you are feeling better.  :-*

Beruthiel
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Miaisland on December 12, 2007, 11:33:38 AM
This is the first year I am decorating since Rick passed away. I figure I have started a new chapter in my life, so I am doing this for myself.

((((((((((((((((((((Linda)))))))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on December 15, 2007, 02:53:38 AM
Hi all.
I just wanted to thank all of you for your support the last couple of weeks. It has been wonderful to be able to come here and know that when I am having a down day, you are all here to help me up. To share what changes are occurring in my life as I deal with the remembrance of the last weeks of Rick's life and the 3rd anniversary of Rick's death.

That is today the 15th of December. I guess since my life has changed so much this year (all for the better I might add) I am feeling more the impact of Rick's death. I remember all the wonderful things during our 31 years of marriage, as well as the not so good things, but all this makes up what our lives together were about.

I go forward without him, and hope that he is looking and saying "You go girl"! A friend suggested that I go do something today that he would have enjoyed and I plan on doing just that.

Thanks again to all of you. Your support is the greatest gift.

Linda
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: dahlia on December 15, 2007, 03:16:08 AM

I go forward without him, and hope that he is looking and saying "You go girl"! A friend suggested that I go do something today that he would have enjoyed and I plan on doing just that.


Linda

I think it's a very good suggestion.
I'm not religious, so I'm not telling you that he is actually looking at you....who knows?

Yet in other cultures, that someone labels as 'more primitive' than our western culture, they say that he 'has gone beyond the veil'. And they havent lost the power to feel the spirit of those we loved, that stays here and accompany us silently.

And we too, that remain here, with our grief, in a way are forced to cross many doors ....and the loss itself brings new things to our life and our consciousness. And some gifts too...it's not been up to us to choose (oh no!)....but still they are here. Let's take them and let's them be part of our person.

Love
D
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Miaisland on December 15, 2007, 03:46:09 AM
I go forward without him, and hope that he is looking and saying "You go girl"! A friend suggested that I go do something today that he would have enjoyed and I plan on doing just that.


Oh, Linda, it's hard for me to imagine what you are going through.

Sounds like your friend is wise, and a good friend.

Take care!
Mia
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on December 15, 2007, 06:33:46 AM
That is today the 15th of December. I guess since my life has changed so much this year (all for the better I might add) I am feeling more the impact of Rick's death. I remember all the wonderful things during our 31 years of marriage, as well as the not so good things, but all this makes up what our lives together were about.

I go forward without him, and hope that he is looking and saying "You go girl"! A friend suggested that I go do something today that he would have enjoyed and I plan on doing just that.


((((((((Linda)))))))) 

I am sure that as long as Rick lives in your heart he is with you in spirit.   

Sounds like you have very wise and good friend to suggest doing something that he would have liked.  Enjoy your day!   

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on December 15, 2007, 12:27:09 PM
Hugs to you, Linda!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on December 15, 2007, 02:41:50 PM
Big (((((((((((((((((((((LINDA)))))))))))))))))))))))!

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on December 15, 2007, 03:40:37 PM
I'm thinking of both you and Rick today Linda.

((((((Linda))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on December 15, 2007, 06:13:43 PM
(((((((((((Linda)))))))))) :-* :-* :-*

I'll write soon.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Miaisland on December 15, 2007, 06:27:30 PM
I wish I could say something intelligent or smart...
But I can't, I can only say that today, a year ago my father died as I sat by his side.

I miss him so much!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on December 15, 2007, 06:38:50 PM
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((KÄR MIA))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Miaisland on December 15, 2007, 06:46:26 PM
Thank you so much Fritz....
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Miaisland on December 15, 2007, 06:57:01 PM
Sometimes I don't know how life will go on without my father.

Today is one of those days!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on December 15, 2007, 07:05:59 PM
Oh, Mia, I do know what it's like. My father died the week before Christmas ten years ago. He had been ill for quite a while, so it wasn't totally unexpected, yet it was still a shock. Of course, after the family gathered after the funeral service, we began to recall and share many of the wonderful stories that each of us had about him. Mia, please know that you will never not miss him, never. This is a good thing to remember, even though at present it might overwhelm you. And yet, with the passage of time, your missing him will transform itself in an amazing way into a different feeling which is difficult to describe. Hold on to the realization that this will happen, but don't try to rush it. Grieve him, surely, but remember everything. Know that sadness, though it will never completely go away, will lessen. It really and truly will.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on December 15, 2007, 07:10:38 PM
A prayer for your father, Mia, and for your Rick, Linda.

Eternal rest grant unto them O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them. May their souls rest in peace. Amen.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Miaisland on December 15, 2007, 07:22:46 PM
Thank you, Fritz!

People told me he had a long and adventurous life. And that I should be happy about that. And of course I am. But the thing is I miss all of the stories. I miss him!

Thank you, Fritz, thank you.... I hope from now on it will be easier.... Lonely as before, but hopefully easier...
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on December 16, 2007, 07:52:30 AM
I wish I could say something intelligent or smart...
But I can't, I can only say that today, a year ago my father died as I sat by his side.

I miss him so much!
Oh, sweet Mia, I am so sorry.  I am sure he is still with you, where it is the most important...in your heart.

(((((((((((((((((Mia)))))))))))))))))))


mod: after reading further posts...


Mia, my father died of Alzheimer's complications about 13 yrs ago...in some ways, we had lost him before he died.  I still think of him and miss him, but the pain is different, not as all-consuming.  Now it is suffused with the love I felt, and that makes it a little easier, as I hope it will be for you.  Not easy, just easier.

 :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on December 16, 2007, 09:18:19 AM
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Mia)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


I couldn't have said this any better than Fritz and Jackie already have.  When my father passed away unexpectedly after a short illness eleven a half years ago it was three days after Fathers' Day.  It was a shock and I, too, wondered how life could go on without him..... the pain was all-consuming.  Over time the pain has lessened/changed, as Jackie and Fritz said, and more and more the  memories and stories have helped to fill the void.  Sharing these is our way of keeping him close to us when we are all together.  Of course, memories can not replace your dad, but I hope that over time the love you have for him and the memories will serve to ease your pain somewhat.  Allow yourself to grieve in your own time and be kind to yourself. 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Miaisland on December 16, 2007, 10:58:13 AM
Thank you!

((((((((((((((((((Fritz, Jackie, Sue))))))))))))))))))

Thank you!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on December 16, 2007, 11:14:05 AM
You're welcome ((((((((((((((((((((Mia)))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on December 16, 2007, 08:14:52 PM
((((((((((((((((((Mia)))))))))))))))))))),
I send you my thoughts and support at this time. I am lucky to still have my dad.
I feel your loss. Any loss is hard, different, but hard, so I know what you are feeling at this time.
Just that you love and miss your dad, THIS is intelligent and smart.  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on December 16, 2007, 08:56:49 PM
Yet in other cultures, that someone labels as 'more primitive' than our western culture, they say that he 'has gone beyond the veil'. And they havent lost the power to feel the spirit of those we loved, that stays here and accompany us silently.

And we too, that remain here, with our grief, in a way are forced to cross many doors ....and the loss itself brings new things to our life and our consciousness. And some gifts too...it's not been up to us to choose (oh no!)....but still they are here. Let's take them and let's them be part of our person.

Love
D

Thanks so much for this Dahlia. It really spoke to me and made me think, after you put it in words for me, that it is so true. His loss did bring new things to my life, some welcome, some not so welcome, but all to use as I see fit. All learning experiences.

My life now is so different, and it is good. How it came to be is not. But one should accept this not matter how it is achieved. I think I have.

Thank you again.

Linda
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Miaisland on December 17, 2007, 01:13:55 AM
(((((((((((((((((Linda))))))))))))))))))

My thoughts are with you. As I decorate for Christmas I think of you doing the same...
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: dahlia on December 17, 2007, 01:20:48 AM
I wish I could say something intelligent or smart...
But I can't, I can only say that today, a year ago my father died as I sat by his side.

I miss him so much!

oh Mia, I'm so sorry.
I didnt experience this kind of loss (luckily I still have my parents) but I can imagine that, besides the grief of losing someone you love, losing a father also means looking back at all your life, all the good and bad memories ever since you were born....and that is beautiful and also very tough, for each of us, am I wrong?

I'm with you my friend, sending you all of my love
D
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on December 29, 2007, 01:14:26 PM
I've just found out one of my favorite patrons just died.  He was a very lively old guy (87) - he used to drive around town with a winged helmet ala the god Mercury (and wore it in the library too).  He had a marvelous sense of humor and was very bright and lively up till his death.  His death notice just said 'he told us he was sick!'  Here's Libo's legacy book...you get an idea from it how much of an impact he had on people.

http://www.legacy.com/SFGate/GB/GuestbookView.aspx?PersonId=99107922
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on December 29, 2007, 02:22:37 PM
Wow.  Michael, thank you for posting that link.  I don't know Libo, but from what message people left in the book, he seems like a smart, and genuine person.

I'm sure you'll miss him.


(((Michael))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: jack on December 30, 2007, 10:38:03 AM
i guess if you hang around the forum long enough you will find a use for all of it.

i am not one who customarily appropriates another's grief to make my own, but since those who post here and read here often offer their prayers, here goes...

i am completely powerless to affect this situation in any way, to offer condolences, make a call or shake a hand, so this will be my only gesture for the forseeable future.   

i have come to know, by email and phone mostly, the family of one of the men i have mentored in AA, most especially his younger brother who is also in AA, and his father who is in his late 70's.  they are in new jersey i am here.  brian, the brother's, 2 year old son died unexpectedly in his sleep on boxing day.  i don't even HAVE children, but i can't begin to imagine what this entire family is going through.  greg, my sponsee, himeself with 2 young ones, called me and told me there would be a viewing tonight, and the interrment tomorrow.  these are customs i will never fully understand, but that is none of my business.  all i can think of is what a tragic way to end a year and begin a new one, especially with many other young children's needs to look after, now, and in the future.

parenthetically, this is an irish family, so the potential for relapse at this time is high.

may i ask for your prayers for this family that they may have peace, strength and a measure of serenity?

thank you,

jack
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on December 30, 2007, 12:20:33 PM
Jack, I'll add this family to my prayers tonight.

Such a horrible thing to happen, to lose a child, I can't even begin to imagine that pain and grief.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on December 30, 2007, 02:09:58 PM
i guess if you hang around the forum long enough you will find a use for all of it.

i am not one who customarily appropriates another's grief to make my own, but since those who post here and read here often offer their prayers, here goes...

i am completely powerless to affect this situation in any way, to offer condolences, make a call or shake a hand, so this will be my only gesture for the forseeable future.   

i have come to know, by email and phone mostly, the family of one of the men i have mentored in AA, most especially his younger brother who is also in AA, and his father who is in his late 70's.  they are in new jersey i am here.  brian, the brother's, 2 year old son died unexpectedly in his sleep on boxing day.  i don't even HAVE children, but i can't begin to imagine what this entire family is going through.  greg, my sponsee, himeself with 2 young ones, called me and told me there would be a viewing tonight, and the interrment tomorrow.  these are customs i will never fully understand, but that is none of my business.  all i can think of is what a tragic way to end a year and begin a new one, especially with many other young children's needs to look after, now, and in the future.

parenthetically, this is an irish family, so the potential for relapse at this time is high.

may i ask for your prayers for this family that they may have peace, strength and a measure of serenity?

thank you,

jack
\

I will keep them in my thoughts and prayers, Jack. 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on December 30, 2007, 02:13:30 PM
I've just found out one of my favorite patrons just died.  He was a very lively old guy (87) - he used to drive around town with a winged helmet ala the god Mercury (and wore it in the library too).  He had a marvelous sense of humor and was very bright and lively up till his death.  His death notice just said 'he told us he was sick!'  Here's Libo's legacy book...you get an idea from it how much of an impact he had on people.

http://www.legacy.com/SFGate/GB/GuestbookView.aspx?PersonId=99107922

((((Michael))))

What wonderful tributes.  Thank you for the link.....  I am sure he will be greatly missed.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Tigs on December 30, 2007, 02:40:35 PM
Jack

My thoughts will be with the family - my heart goes out to them

Sal    ;D
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: dejavu on December 30, 2007, 02:47:38 PM
Jack, I will remember this family and their little son.

Hugs also to some others who posted in here recently. I don't get here that often so missed your original posts.

(((((((((Michael))))))))))

(((((((((Linda))))))))))))

((((((((Mia))))))))))

((((((((Becca)))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on December 30, 2007, 03:14:27 PM
Jack, you and your intentions, as well as the other members of the Forum, are on my and my choir's prayer lists.

((((((((((((((((JACK))))))))))))))))))

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on December 30, 2007, 03:28:09 PM
The whole family and especially the mother and father of the child, will be in my thoughts and prayers in the next days, Jack.
That they find the strength they need.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on December 31, 2007, 11:17:18 PM
2007 will remain for me the year when I lost my longest term gay friend.  Thomas H. Federspiel (or Tom Henry when I was giving him grief) was someone I met in 1972 when I went to college.  I had already come out (some would say screaming) when I went to college.  I was determined that no one would ever think of me as straight again [ ;D]. 

When in college that first year I met Tom.  He was (as was I) living with a group of men.  The difference was that I was kind of a geeky queen - he was a pasha with a male harem.

A few years later he moved to East Lansing (from Saginaw Valley College).  I followed him and went to Michigan State University.

He had an extraordinary sense of decoration.  The only thing I can think of that describes it is 'Alexandrian Temple Prostitute.'  Because of Tom I had a closet painted cranberry red (actually he had used the closet as his bedroom...but that is a far far too tawdry story for the memorial thread  ;D).  I also wound up with a door that was gold leafed with a Gustav Klimt portrait of Judith holding the head of Holofernes,

Tom was the first person I ever went to a bathhouse with - and probably the first person I ever stepped into a gay bar with.  Don't get me wrong - I was alway to the left of him politically and had endless arguments with him about politics - he had endless fun giving me grief - he introduced me to a person in a gay bar in 2004 who was for Bush over Kerry 'because he was against socialized medicine'.  But when it came to getting things done he was a very good person to be around.

In the last few years of his life he became incapacitated and was not happy often.  However, when I came back to visit we seemed to have a wonderful time - and I like to think he was transported to a place beyond his physical body.

The last time I was with him we watched 'Caged'  (the women's prison movie) together.

There will never be anyone else like you Maxine!  I will miss you for the rest of my life.

http://www.casefuneralhome.com/webobits/obit.php?decedid=1886
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: jack on December 31, 2007, 11:28:09 PM
bon voyage, tom henry  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on January 01, 2008, 05:11:48 AM
michael, thank you for telling us about another wonderful person who walked part of your life's path with you - tom will be living on in our memories. you have such wonderful, interesting friends....a rich and colourful world around you. (((michael)))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: quithammerin on January 01, 2008, 11:20:33 AM
This is a thread I visit often.  I don't post much, because I'm speechless most of the time, due to the intensity of the feelings evoked here, and to my sense that I can't really say anything that would improve on silence.   I do want to acknowledge, though, that these memorials have found their way into another heart - mine.

Ukrainian tradition has it that on Christmas Eve, a place is always set for the deceased family members.  Although I don't usually put a physical plate out (my family puts up with alot from me already, that might just put them over the edge), I am very conscious of the continuum of life during this season.

Right now, I am feeling so grateful that there is this place, where the memories of such wonderful bundles of life can be preserved, where there are people like Michael, who will take the time to bring the richness of these lives to yet more people, thus keeping the life in the embodied and passing it on.  I don't know how to put this - it changes the world, making it a richer, better place. 

I mean, wow, a gold-leafed door with a Gustaf Klimt portrait....did I ever tell you I once went to a Halloween party as Benazir Bhutto?
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: paintedshoes on January 03, 2008, 11:43:09 AM
Michael, thank you for your reminiscences of your good friend, Tom Henry.  Through you, we are all enriched by the glimpse into his life.   :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on January 03, 2008, 04:57:00 PM
Michael, thank you for your reminiscences of your good friend, Tom Henry.  Through you, we are all enriched by the glimpse into his life.   :-* :-* :-*

Thanks Jackie!  Thanks QH too!  He was an amazing person - and though I found him frustrating at time I will truly miss him.  I just didn't feel I could let the year pass without remembering him.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on January 03, 2008, 05:16:41 PM
Michael, thanks for taking the time to tell us about Thomas.  He sounds like he was an amazing person!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: beckela on January 04, 2008, 05:35:26 AM
Right now, I am feeling so grateful that there is this place, where the memories of such wonderful bundles of life can be preserved, where there are people like Michael, who will take the time to bring the richness of these lives to yet more people, thus keeping the life in the embodied and passing it on.  I don't know how to put this - it changes the world, making it a richer, better place. 

I mean, wow, a gold-leafed door with a Gustaf Klimt portrait....did I ever tell you I once went to a Halloween party as Benazir Bhutto?

How beautifully put, QH! Thank you for that -- and everyone for such wonderful memories of loved ones whose essence remains forever in those left behind and, now, in those who read your words.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on January 10, 2008, 12:26:51 AM
Last week I had one of those moments that stop you in your tracks.  I picked up my local Gay paper and saw this:

http://www.ebar.com/obituaries/index.php?sec=ob&article=333

Debra and I weren't real close - we knew each other from an LGBT film class that I took in the early 90s and from the film festivals ever since - but she was always a kind, cheerful woman who was easy to talk with - and was interested in what I was doing even when she was in the midst of her battle with ovarian cancer.  In fact I didn't even know she was sick till halfway through our conversation - that was just the kind of person she was - kind, patient and interested in others.

I didn't see or talk with her nearly enough - and I will miss her.  I feel so sorry for her child and her wife.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/12/29/BAV5U5KL2.DTL
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ingmarnicebbmt on January 10, 2008, 09:48:14 AM

That's very sad, Michael.
Wish I could hug you here and now!
I try to from the distance...

I just lost one of my best friends to ovarian cancer last summer, a very young woman.
Terrible to say, but truth is, she went through hell during the last weeks and months of her illness.

(((((Michael)))))

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Tigs on January 10, 2008, 12:12:34 PM
Hugs Michael

Sal     ;D
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on January 10, 2008, 01:50:33 PM
Michael, I am so sorry.
I will pass on that hug from Ing when I see you next.
It is so hard to lose one we know and love at any age.
Yes I so feel for both her daughter and her wife.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on January 10, 2008, 04:43:38 PM
((((((((Michael)))))))))))

I am sorry.........

She sounds like an amazing woman.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on January 10, 2008, 04:44:56 PM

I just lost one of my best friends to ovarian cancer last summer, a very young woman.
Terrible to say, but truth is, she went through hell during the last weeks and months of her illness.


(((((Ing)))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ingmarnicebbmt on January 10, 2008, 05:12:56 PM

Thanks, Sue...

This was such a senseless and agonizing experience. She was the liveliest person on earth, full of energy and high spirits! One of the best musicians I've ever met (a soprano, actually). And a very GOOD human being.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on January 10, 2008, 05:24:26 PM

Thanks, Sue...

This was such a senseless and agonizing experience. She was the liveliest person on earth, full of energy and high spirits! One of the best musicians I've ever met (a soprano, actually). And a very GOOD human being.



I am so sorry................
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on January 25, 2008, 06:34:19 PM
Michael, thank you for your reminiscences of your good friend, Tom Henry.  Through you, we are all enriched by the glimpse into his life.   :-* :-* :-*

I said it over in your thread and I'll say it here...no thank YOU for enriching our lives, Jackie!!!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Tigs on January 26, 2008, 03:03:55 AM
^^^^^^^^^hear hear!!!

Sal     :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CANSTANDIT on January 26, 2008, 06:41:33 AM
I don't like to talk about this stuff, per se...It has so much sacred mystery, death, that I usually feel helpless in trying to communicate thoughts. But after Jackie and Heath, I think I'm a bit more willing to talk about it.

My family has had a series of losses over the last 6 years to rival a small massacre. I know its partly a function of getting older, as a family, but the ball started rolling with the death of one older sister at age 49 from lung cancer-a few weeks before 9/11. Then we had a younger cousin overdose while carrying an unborn baby-you cannot believe discussions of whether the baby should be buried with the mother or not-until you've sat in on one; and then some older relatives, of course, and some very close-and older-family friends.
My mother has gone thru absolute hell.....and done it without her late husband(s).

For me it started ten years back losing both my parents-in-law within two years, and then all the other stuff started happening, it seems...
 
 We went for years, as a family, with nary a tragedy. It all seems to have hit at once, over the last decade.  And we have been watching my mother slowly deteriorate with a chronic lung illness that, despite the fact she's survived long enough to practically be in a medical textbook, is like death looking at your house, from across the street, day in and day out. Every late or early phone call I get, the thought always comes, 'is it Mom?'.....

What is really prompting these thoughts, I think, are the untimely deaths we've had to deal with, and the shock of both: Jackie was diagnosed before Xmas (not sure what she or anyone knew before then, and I'm not asking); Heath was dead within hours of the onset of the cause, most likely. We've had no time to prepare for these losses...At least with my family, we had warnings along the way; we were blessed that we did not have the shock of sudden leavings, in most cases. Someone was 'old' or 'sick', etc.  That knowedge that something was happening, was something we shared and has quietly drawn us closer together, literally made us stronger as a family. I've never been so close to my oldest sister, for example, even as a small child.

But these shocking deaths with no real  warnings....Jackie, not much more warning than Heath, in terms of being prepared-has really made me consider the comforting bubble many of us were lucky enough to live in alot of our lives. I come from a very large family of origin-we were like our own little town when we grew up. Friends and relatives always came to visit us, rather than the reverse-we were too big, logistically, to make long trips for example. We were the original National Lampoon's vacation-take that movie and just lsesson some of the antics-and add several kids-that was us, trying to do things all together. Sheer farce.

I guess my point is, I feel fortunate to have been spared for so long, much more now. We had a couple of big shocks when we were small kids, and perhaps that was enough for us for the next few decades.....but I have to say, I feel very fortunate, and the two recent forum
deaths just highlight for me, perhaps, how lucky I really was all those in- between years......

Hugs to all that are in loss mode here, from before our last two tragedies, as well as during. No one needed these additional two.

xo
CSI
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on January 30, 2008, 03:39:11 PM
(((((((((((((((((((HUGS CSI ))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on January 30, 2008, 03:44:26 PM
today isn't a good day....the days seem like they drag....my mind is so full right now....I know these things come and go...and my emotions are here and there...I know that with time it will get better and I also know that I have you all...blah blah blah

but it hurts...so bad...today I just wanted to  scream....punching the fucken wall ...I hate that I lost another friend..another best friend....self pity...I hate it all.....I hate that her family is hurting...that we only had 2 fucken years .......but Paula told me that these were the BEST 2 years...and knowing her before wouldn't of made a difference...the REAL Jackie only existed these last 2 years...why can't I find comfort in this.......why? :'( :'( :'( :'(
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: bbmbliss on January 30, 2008, 04:07:16 PM
((((((((((((((((((Nellie))))))))))))))))

A pm is on the way honey.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CANSTANDIT on February 01, 2008, 07:13:40 PM
(((((((((((((((((((HUGS CSI ))))))))))))))))))))))))))
ah, Nellie, thanks....I am sorry you about all this for you, too...I shall be  supportive, forthwith, my dear.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CANSTANDIT on February 01, 2008, 07:19:25 PM
Nellie, I wish I had an answer...I know that feeling, of why, why, why?? The anger at the injustice-I was saying in another thread, its EXACTLY the worst thing to have happened to us: Our beloved member, Jackie; and one of our beloved idols, Heath-a friggin day apart. Unbelievable.

I had that same thought, about it being only two years for Jackie to have really LIVED in the way she wanted to, all those friends, all that love, all the excitement, and adventure and the sharing of deepest emotions. But yes, two years does seem rather short.  :(

BIG HUGS, mi amiga.

Jo
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Marz on February 13, 2008, 08:52:43 AM
my nan died in mid Jan and shes the only one of my grandparents i grew up with and i am really struggling with the fact im never gonna see her again
i sounds stupid but i went round my aunties house (my nan lived with her) about a week after she died and hadn't pre-peared my self for the fact she wouldn't be in her chair (stupid i know) and i passed out
has anyone else lost someone this recently and anyone got any tips on helping me get though this
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on February 13, 2008, 08:56:24 AM
Hi there,

all I can say is talk....just keep talking about her...look at her pictures and cry....don't feel guilty to cry

I too am having a hard time....it seems like death is all around me this year...I hate it all...typing away in this Forum and just talking, seems to help me some

big (((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))) to you

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Marz on February 13, 2008, 08:59:39 AM
thank you nellie yeah talking does help and thanks for your kind words im sure i'll talk to you on the forum soon
hugs to you too
Marz
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: cazzyj on February 13, 2008, 09:02:01 AM
my nan died in mid Jan and shes the only one of my grandparents i grew up with and i am really struggling with the fact im never gonna see her again
i sounds stupid but i went round my aunties house (my nan lived with her) about a week after she died and hadn't pre-peared my self for the fact she wouldn't be in her chair (stupid i know) and i passed out
has anyone else lost someone this recently and anyone got any tips on helping me get though this

No expert here, but when my mother passed away 2 years ago, I was pretty much in fog for quite awhile.  I have one exceptional, long-standing friend who has always told me - "Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel, whatever it is.  Good, bad and downright ugly.  Never apologize for these feelings to anyone especially yourself".  Wise words from an even wiser woman. 

Take baby steps daily, allow yourself to think about your grandparent with love, with sadness and with pain if need be.  It DOES get easier, but only when your heart is ready for it to be easier.  It's damn hard, and I definitely relate to how you are feeling.  Just be good to yourself and those around you! 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Miaisland on February 13, 2008, 09:04:22 AM
Hi Marz!

Sorry for your loss. I also think talking about it is a good thing to do. And to cry when you need to.

A warm hug from me too

(((((((((((((((((((( Marz )))))))))))))))))

And to you ((((((((((((((((((( Nellie ))))))))))))))))))

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on February 13, 2008, 09:09:22 AM
another thing...feeling guilty.....that's always a factor

don't know why...but feeling guilty has always come to play for me....I guess it's natural...and you know that there's NOTHING you did that made it worse or that you could of said...to make it all better...those "last" words....

but it still creeps in your head

thanks for the hugs

Marz...I hope to bump into you around the Forum too ;D
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on February 13, 2008, 08:10:27 PM
((((((((((((((((((((((Marz))))))))))))))))))))))

Nellie, Mia, and Cazzyj have said so well what I would say to you.  Allow yourself to grieve, but never stop talking.  When my dad died it really helped that we talked about him, remembered him, and found things that we could laugh about - good stories and memories.  It will take time.........  Allow yourself that.

Hugs to you,

Sue
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on February 13, 2008, 08:11:00 PM
Hi there,

all I can say is talk....just keep talking about her...look at her pictures and cry....don't feel guilty to cry

I too am having a hard time....it seems like death is all around me this year...I hate it all...typing away in this Forum and just talking, seems to help me some

big (((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))) to you

Nellie

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Nellie)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on February 14, 2008, 12:48:28 PM
Don't know why I decided to post this ....but I did anyway


(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi144.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fr190%2Fadnetwork%2Fth_129_1_jesusinthere.jpg&hash=14bd7bb47fe9fcd7d6f439c2e485accb) (http://s144.photobucket.com/albums/r190/adnetwork/?action=view&current=129_1_jesusinthere.flv)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: dahlia on February 16, 2008, 10:39:25 AM
Today it’d have been Martin’s 48th birthday. He never used his Maori name in the forum, so I’ll do the same.

His last post in this Forum was to me. Just a few hours before dying he sent me a tender PM.
I didn’t even know he had cancer.

This is a pic of a sunset in his beloved town,  Auckland NZ. The comet pic in my signature line was taken in Auckland as well.

(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi78.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fj108%2Fdahlia_photos%2FDinerpics%2F2008%2Fauckland_sunset.jpg&hash=d16526987f253371804e638d02b89732)

The fact that he had tender thoughts for me on his last day tears me apart and at the same time makes me think that maybe it was written that our lives should meet, in the Internet space….
Maoris don’t believe that death is an end. His son told me, half joking, half not, a few weeks ago “he must be delighted now to meet Heath…....”

You have gone down the path of souls, you have gone beyond the veil, you have gone to your ancestors, my beloved, my dear one.

E kore e ea i te kupu taku aroha mōu....


Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Miaisland on February 16, 2008, 10:53:20 AM
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Daniela )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You are in my thoughts today.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on February 16, 2008, 10:56:48 AM
"Le parole non possono esprimere quanto ti amo." Una lengua bellissima. Grazie, Daniela carissima.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on February 16, 2008, 12:54:09 PM
(((((((((((((((((((((((((( Daniela ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: dahlia on February 17, 2008, 03:09:08 PM
"Le parole non possono esprimere quanto ti amo."


Si, è una lingua bellissima. It is a beautiful language.

((((((((Fritz, Sue, Mia)))))))) :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on February 17, 2008, 10:34:34 PM
I just found out that my friend Al Jacobs died on Monday.  He was a lively person around the library - he did an annual program on the Oscars and did readings of works at Christmas - and he ran a book club at the local independent bookstore.  He was a professor at Menlo College down the road from the library.

Earlier this year when I was looking for a copy of 'Fortune and Mens Eyes' he let me borrow a copy (that he had donated) from the Menlo College library.

What is particularly sad is that he was one of the last links I had to some of my friends who died from AIDS in the 80s - we found out that we had friends in common a few years ago.

He had just discovered that he had pancreatic cancer and had a fall in his apartment a week ago Friday.  He never regained consciousness from that fall.  I think that he just gave up rather than face the cancer treatment.

I'll miss him.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Tigs on February 18, 2008, 05:23:33 AM
{{{{{Michael}}}}}

Sal     :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on February 18, 2008, 07:14:29 AM
((((((((((((((((Michael)))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry........

Sue
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on February 18, 2008, 09:46:14 AM
(((((((MIKEY)))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on February 18, 2008, 09:50:22 AM
(((((((((((((((((((Michael)))))))))))))))))))))), so sorry about your loss. We're all losing too many friends recently.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Miaisland on February 18, 2008, 11:11:24 AM
Oh ((((((((((((((((( Michael )))))))))))))))))))

So very sorry about your loss.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: dejavu on February 18, 2008, 11:29:06 AM
((((((((((((((((((( Michael ))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry about your friend Al Jacobs.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CANSTANDIT on February 19, 2008, 12:15:21 AM
Marz, just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you, during this difficult period in all our lives....I imagine that you have that feeling of being suddenly more alone..Well, its not accurate. You have us here, 24 hours.
HUGS.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Miaisland on February 19, 2008, 03:08:18 AM
Today it's two weeks since my friend and former colleague suddenly died, much to young, leaving a wife and young children. The funeral, nearly two weeks from now will be very hard.

At the same time me and my brother goes through my fathers things, all the things he left behind, as we now have to split them up between us. This is not an easy process, it's like saying goodbye again.

And this morning I was told that a dear friend of my father and our family died. For fifteen years he was also a summer neighbor of mine, my only connection here to my father.

I am a bit lost at the moment.
 :'( :'( :'(
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: jack on February 19, 2008, 03:43:52 AM
i may be wrong here, but this seems to be part of the process of aging.  as our generations move up the ladder, or down the other side of the hill, pick your metaphor, we lose friends and family along the way.  my mother is the very last of her family and her acquaintances of long standing still alive.  it is no wonder, really, that she has no interest in making new friends.  she is, i think, just waiting for her turn.

that would never work for me, and i just have younger and younger friends.  and all but one of my generation of family members older than myself, and several younger, have passed as well.  apparently either you read about them, or they read about you.

it is the order of things.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on February 19, 2008, 04:53:15 AM
Today it's two weeks since my friend and former colleague suddenly died, much to young, leaving a wife and young children. The funeral, nearly two weeks from now will be very hard.

At the same time me and my brother goes through my fathers things, all the things he left behind, as we now have to split them up between us. This is not an easy process, it's like saying goodbye again.

And this morning I was told that a dear friend of my father and our family died. For fifteen years he was also a summer neighbor of mine, my only connection here to my father.

I am a bit lost at the moment.
 :'( :'( :'(

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Mia)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry to hear about your family friend.  You are in my thoughts............

It is never easy going through the things of a loved one..... it is like living it over again.  For us, though, it became a time of reminiscences as things we remembered from our childhoods, long since forgotten, appeared again.  Very bittersweet. 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ingmarnicebbmt on February 19, 2008, 04:59:03 AM

*hugs (((Mia)))*

 :-*

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Marz on February 19, 2008, 05:40:58 AM
id just like to say a big thank you to everyone on this forum for all there kind messages at this sad time for me and my family
thank you so much for all your support on saturday for the first time since my nan passed away (over a month ago) i cried for the first time (ive been in shock for a long time) i cried none stop for about 2 hours and i felt alot better after finally letting all my feelings out
again thank you so much and i just hope i can be as kind and helpful to any other forum members on here that have lost loved ones,as you have been to me
thank you x
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on February 19, 2008, 05:48:40 AM
(((((((((((((((((Marz)))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Miaisland on February 19, 2008, 06:00:08 AM
Thank you, ((((((((((((( friends ))))))))))))!

Words going through my mind today:

"O Gertrude, Gertrude,
When sorrows come, they come not single spies
But in battalions."

King Claudius in Hamlet


Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Miaisland on February 19, 2008, 06:01:15 AM
id just like to say a big thank you to everyone on this forum for all there kind messages at this sad time for me and my family
thank you so much for all your support on saturday for the first time since my nan passed away (over a month ago) i cried for the first time (ive been in shock for a long time) i cried none stop for about 2 hours and i felt alot better after finally letting all my feelings out
again thank you so much and i just hope i can be as kind and helpful to any other forum members on here that have lost loved ones,as you have been to me
thank you x

(((((((((((((((((((( Marz )))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on February 19, 2008, 03:31:21 PM
Today it's two weeks since my friend and former colleague suddenly died, much to young, leaving a wife and young children. The funeral, nearly two weeks from now will be very hard.

At the same time me and my brother goes through my fathers things, all the things he left behind, as we now have to split them up between us. This is not an easy process, it's like saying goodbye again.

And this morning I was told that a dear friend of my father and our family died. For fifteen years he was also a summer neighbor of mine, my only connection here to my father.

I am a bit lost at the moment.
 :'( :'( :'(

I'm sorry Mia.............(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

It's hard,I know...but you're in my thoughts and prayers....I always include all of you in them...to soothe your soul and strengthen your hearts...think of the good memories hon.

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on February 19, 2008, 03:32:28 PM
id just like to say a big thank you to everyone on this forum for all there kind messages at this sad time for me and my family
thank you so much for all your support on saturday for the first time since my nan passed away (over a month ago) i cried for the first time (ive been in shock for a long time) i cried none stop for about 2 hours and i felt alot better after finally letting all my feelings out
again thank you so much and i just hope i can be as kind and helpful to any other forum members on here that have lost loved ones,as you have been to me
thank you x

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) to you too,Marz...I'm glad you find comfort in all this!

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Marz on February 20, 2008, 06:08:52 AM
thank you everyone
Marz x hugs to everyone
mia i have sent you a PM x
ps; thank you to Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: beruthiel on February 27, 2008, 12:49:42 PM
My amazing, multi-talented mother died a year ago today. I think knowing this day was coming made Heath's death even harder to bear.  :'(

Hugs to everyone in mourning.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on February 27, 2008, 02:12:41 PM
My amazing, multi-talented mother died a year ago today. I think knowing this day was coming made Heath's death even harder to bear.  :'(

Hugs to everyone in mourning.



((((((((((((((((((((((((beruthiel)))))))))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Miaisland on February 27, 2008, 02:19:11 PM
My amazing, multi-talented mother died a year ago today. I think knowing this day was coming made Heath's death even harder to bear.  :'(

Hugs to everyone in mourning.



(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Beruthiel ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: beruthiel on February 27, 2008, 04:31:43 PM
Thank you.

{{{{{{{{{miaisland}}}}}}}}}

{{{{{{{{{MaineGirl}}}}}}}}}

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on February 28, 2008, 01:32:07 PM
My amazing, multi-talented mother died a year ago today. I think knowing this day was coming made Heath's death even harder to bear.  :'(

Hugs to everyone in mourning.



((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Beruthie )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on February 28, 2008, 02:21:32 PM
I wasn't going to come in here and discuss this past wake I've been to on Tuesday....but the more I thought about it,the more it made some sense..

I'm the type of person that once something enters my head...forget it...I have to let it all out now.

At first I thought..."ok,another friend of mine has died".....but now I'm looking at it a little differently...another person that has touched me has moved to a better place...their deed is done and now God has other plans for them....I have another guardian angel...how lucky I am,huh?

She was an older lady I grew to know and love back in my old job..she was already retired now...married,had kids....lived alone for a few more years...her husband had died a few years back..was never happy with him,stayed together because of her kids...all those familiar things .

We kept in contact by sending birthday ,Christmas ,and St. Patrick's day cards...it was nice. She told me she was going to re-marry...I was floored. She was having a little ceremony in church,the same time I was scheduled to work...never went but sent her my best....we were suppose to get together for lunch....it never happened....now she's gone.

It really pisses me off that life is like this...we're always so busy with life..always thinking that you have more time.."later" ..."I'll do it later"..."I'm too tired right now,maybe next week"...."I've been driving all day,I'm not going anywhere now"....ugh

Her kids thought she was crazy getting married again with an old friend of hers..."Mom,you're too old for this,don't you think?" She was lonely and this man treated her like a princess. He had a crush on her for such a long time...why not? they were only married for a couple months,maybe 4 months if that? But they were the best days of her life..

You see,it doesn't matter how old you are or what your circumstances are..it's never to late. Live your life...NOW! Don't wait until tomorrow,it may never come..and then what?

Happy St.Patrick's Day..Mary Simpson....even though it's a bit early....I love you and know you were happy the last days of your life....thank you for enriching my heart and soul

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: dahlia on February 29, 2008, 02:41:11 PM
You're so sweet Nellie  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CANSTANDIT on March 01, 2008, 01:30:24 PM
You're so sweet Nellie  :-*
Dahlia, I meant to tell you , i really like your signature pics, or whatever we call them-that is one of my fave quotes from the story. So much symbolism in it...

Hope today is a brighter day for you. The weather is warm and lovely in the SW. Spring appears on its way...
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: dahlia on March 02, 2008, 01:46:09 PM
Thanks a lot, canstandit!

Yes there is so much in that line.....Spring is here too, today definitely.

And I am much better than I was, say, this last autumn.....that's for sure! Your words are very much appreciated  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on March 05, 2008, 02:59:43 PM
Happy St.Patrick's Day..Mary Simpson....even though it's a bit early....I love you and know you were happy the last days of your life....thank you for enriching my heart and soul

Nellie

((((((Nellie))))))

You know - I try to tell people over and over that it is so important that we know people were happy in the last days of their lives.  It's the best we can give them.  Thanks for giving us a good example and I'm SO, SO happy that she went through with it and got married!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Miaisland on March 07, 2008, 01:00:50 AM
Today is the funeral for my friend who died a few weeks ago.

I think so much of his wife and kids this morning. It is a very hard day.





Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: dahlia on March 07, 2008, 01:47:31 AM
(((((((((((((((Mia))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on March 07, 2008, 03:56:33 AM
(((((((((((((((((((Mia)))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Marz on March 07, 2008, 06:34:39 AM
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Mia))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on March 07, 2008, 06:46:13 AM
Mia!  Thoughts are with you on this day.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Miaisland on March 07, 2008, 08:31:14 AM
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi215.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fcc19%2FJanssonmamma%2Fwhite-rose.jpg&hash=3c0018d18cb8aae7124d7ce196c532db)

(((((((((((((((((((( Daniela, Sue, Marz and Chuck )))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you!!!!

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on March 07, 2008, 12:52:48 PM
Today is the funeral for my friend who died a few weeks ago.

I think so much of his wife and kids this morning. It is a very hard day.



I'm sorry hon......(((hugs)))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Miaisland on March 07, 2008, 03:39:43 PM
((((((((((((((((( Nellie ))))))))))))))))

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ingmarnicebbmt on March 07, 2008, 03:41:48 PM

Mia, I hope it hasn't been a too rough day for you. I hope you got and gave all the support you & the other attendees needed.

If I were close to you, I could hug you right on the spot! Hug very tightly, that is!

 :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Miaisland on March 07, 2008, 03:47:01 PM
(((((((((((((((((((((((( Ingmar )))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you!  :-* :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ingmarnicebbmt on March 07, 2008, 03:47:51 PM

 :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((soon in real life)))))))))))))))))))))))


Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Miaisland on March 07, 2008, 03:48:46 PM
Todays words.
Poem from the funeral program

Death is nothing at all

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
   that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
   which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
   at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
   that it always was.
Let it be spoken without affect,
   without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolutely unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
   because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you,
  for an interval,
     somewhere very near,
       just around the corner.

All is well.

Henry Scott-Holland
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ingmarnicebbmt on March 07, 2008, 03:52:50 PM

 :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

Beautiful.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on March 07, 2008, 05:15:39 PM

 :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

Beautiful.



i agree.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: brian on March 07, 2008, 10:50:39 PM
My sister read this out at the beginning of our Mother's memorial service. We found she had written it out and placed it in her important papers.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Tigs on March 08, 2008, 02:12:25 AM
Todays words.
Poem from the funeral program

Death is nothing at all

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
   that we still are.
<snip>

All is well.

Henry Scott-Holland

We had this at my Dads funeral too - it still brings me to tears!!

Hugs Mia

Sal    ;D
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on March 08, 2008, 06:07:16 AM
(((((((((((((((((((Mia)))))))))))))))))))


 :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

Beautiful.



i agree.


as do I.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Miaisland on March 08, 2008, 06:09:16 AM
That poem was really comforting.

As are you (((((((((((((((((( Friends )))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Marz on March 11, 2008, 08:14:49 AM
my nan had a copy of that poem in with her prayers and we found it after she died, we all read it to ourselves and it helped alot as i do believe its true
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Miaisland on March 11, 2008, 08:20:55 AM
my nan had a copy of that poem in with her prayers and we found it after she died, we all read it to ourselves and it helped alot as i do believe its true

I am glad you found and read those words!!!

((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Marz )))))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Marz on March 12, 2008, 03:56:11 AM
thank you ((((((((((((((((((((((Mia))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on March 13, 2008, 09:19:29 PM
Hi all...

For those who haven't heard, (and that's nearly everyone), Nick's (Trigger Hippy) mother passed away tonight at about 6:20pm Pacific Time after a long six year battle with COPD.

She died quietly in her hospital bed with Nick, his sister and his nephew and niece in attendance. Tonight Nick is spending the wee morning hours with his, and our friend Sal (Tigs).

Rest quiet, Mom. Comfort to Nick and family.
Rob
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: huntinbuddy on March 13, 2008, 09:44:58 PM
Hi all...

For those who haven't heard, (and that's nearly everyone), Nick's (Trigger Hippy) mother passed away tonight at about 6:20pm Pacific Time after a long six year battle with COPD.

She died quietly in her hospital bed with Nick, his sister and his nephew and niece in attendance. Tonight Nick is spending the wee morning hours with his, and our friend Sal (Tigs).

Rest quiet, Mom. Comfort to Nick and family.
Rob
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ROB & NICK}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
My prayers and thoughts are with you.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CANSTANDIT on March 13, 2008, 11:35:52 PM
God keep Nick and you both in the palm of His hand, during this difficult time, Rob.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: BrokenOkie on March 14, 2008, 12:07:49 AM
When words fail...

(((((Nick))))) 
(((((Rob)))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Miaisland on March 14, 2008, 12:35:07 AM
My warmest thoughts are with you and your family today

(((((((((((((((((( Nick ))))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on March 14, 2008, 12:36:13 AM
Thanks Rob for letting us know
(((((nick,rob,sal))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on March 14, 2008, 12:44:59 AM
Thanks Rob for letting us know
(((((nick,rob,sal))))

Yes thank you Rob - our thoughts are with Nick.
(((((((Mom))))))) rest in peace :'( :-*
((((((Rob+Nick+Sal)))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on March 14, 2008, 01:10:25 AM
(((((((Nick))))))))
She is at rest, no more struggles.
My love and thoughts to you and your family.

(((((Rob)))))  ((((((Sal))))))
My love and thoughts to you both as well.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on March 14, 2008, 01:17:24 AM
((((Nick))))

My thoughts are with you - know that your mother feels no more pain and is with you to help you with your grief.

((((Rob)))) ((((Sal))))

Love and healing to you all.

Michael
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on March 14, 2008, 03:40:31 AM
nick and rob,

this is such a sad moment for all of you - and at the same moment, also a happy one, because nick's mum wo't feel any pain any more. the last years of her life were so hard, for everybody involved, that one can only say thank you for eternal peace and happiness now.


death isn't the end - it is a door to a new life.

(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fphoto.net%2Fbboard-uploads%2F00BADK-21891584.jpg&hash=dda997329c1f08cecd2d88430a371f3c)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Tigs on March 14, 2008, 03:47:11 AM
Thank you so much everyone for your words, I shall pass them onto Nick when he wakes. He is asleep on my sofa at the mo.

Sal      :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on March 14, 2008, 04:01:01 AM
My thoughts are with you all

((((((((((((((((Nick, Rob, and family)))))))))))))))))

at this time. 

((((((((((((((((Nick's Mom))))))))))))))))))))

may you rest in peace..........
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on March 14, 2008, 07:21:25 AM
For Nick, his family, and everyone who knew his wonderful mother.




(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi195.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fz298%2Fcdump06%2FImages%2Fcondolences%2Fimages%2FsympathyCondolences50.jpg&hash=39a9519e0cf0a64d82f3d11ac16b89d4)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Tigs on March 14, 2008, 08:18:51 AM
For Nick, his family, and everyone who knew his wonderful mother.




(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi195.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fz298%2Fcdump06%2FImages%2Fcondolences%2Fimages%2FsympathyCondolences50.jpg&hash=39a9519e0cf0a64d82f3d11ac16b89d4)
Thank you Chuck

Sal     :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Flyboy on March 14, 2008, 08:47:01 AM
Nick, Sal and Rob..........my thoughts are with you all now........may you all find some peace and comfort from others who care........Jonn
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on March 14, 2008, 08:53:36 AM
nick
made this pic of my energy tree this morning. i think its a special tree and wanted to send you some of its energy.
and it reminded me of your mom,who i was so pleased to have met once,such a lovely and strong lady!

take care sweetie

(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fv627%2Fsifra%2Ffotos%2FFoto101.jpg&hash=b4cfcf08a4151fe6ae03aaa1ba2a461f)

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on March 14, 2008, 10:05:44 AM
Thank you all for the words of comfort.

It's in times like this that our friends are needed most.

Much love to all of you!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: jack on March 14, 2008, 10:08:08 AM
thinking of you nick, with heavy heart. this is quite close to home, so you know how genuine the feeling.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mountain boy on March 14, 2008, 01:36:24 PM
Nick, Rob, and Sal - wishing all the best for all of you.

(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fliyong.slynk.com%2Fwordpress%2Fuploads%2F2007%2F04%2Fpretty-flowers-2.JPG&hash=e87430234631892efb1e205e55492871)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on March 14, 2008, 02:01:47 PM
Eternal rest grant unto her O Lord,
And let perpetual light shine upon her.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((NickRobSal))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Biggest beariest hugs to all of you.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: dahlia on March 14, 2008, 04:06:56 PM
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi194.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fz181%2Fmastertpot%2FLotus.gif&hash=d8275862f01c7c34fe5b9dc3a5d24ee7)

for Nick, Robert, and Sal

with love
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Caithness on March 14, 2008, 05:57:13 PM
I am so very saddened by your loss, Nick.

May your sweet, dear Mum rest in peace.

With hugs and love to you, Nick, to Rob and to Sal.

Malcolm



Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Zudos on March 15, 2008, 04:17:39 AM
Nick really sorry to hear your sad news...

Comforting that you have Sal and Rob to support and love you in this difficult time....

Lots of love. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help...
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Trigger Hippie on March 15, 2008, 06:50:21 PM
Thanks everyone for your thoughts and love. Reading your posts here helped me shed a few small tears, the first since i left the hospital.

I have been quite unwell since that time, as I unfortunately picked up Winter Vomiting Virus (I think my american friends know this as Roto-Virus) in my visits to the hospital this week, and came close to being admitted myself on Friday. Thus I have been bed-ridden at Sal's and unable to focus on much other than getting to and from the toilet and surviving the stomach cramps.

Sal & her daughter have been nobly nursing me through this, and keeping it to themselves.

Love to you all.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Nax on March 16, 2008, 04:14:32 AM
Nick

My thoughts are with you at this time, words are not enough.

Neil
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Boris on March 16, 2008, 04:45:56 AM
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi39.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fe155%2Fborishki%2FScenery%2FIMG_5298.jpg&hash=09ea961cc81993a9f25dd667e61b5a9e)

You're in my thoughts....
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Boris on March 16, 2008, 12:57:15 PM
Years ago when I started working in psychiatric rehabilitation, I had a mentor who taught me a lot. Her wisdom, gentle nature and very courageous attitude to work guided me through times when I wasn't so sure what I was doing. She taught me almost everything I know.

She's been battling with cancer since year 2000. Now the battle is lost, the treatment have been ended and she resides in hospice. She is not dead yet, but we're talking about weeks at most. She has decided that she doesn't want visitors anymore... she wants us to remember her as she was. So I realized today that have started to mourn and let go...

It's just so hard. She was as young as Jackie and it is, once again, so bloody unfair.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on March 16, 2008, 01:45:31 PM
(((((((Jari)))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Miaisland on March 16, 2008, 01:50:41 PM
Oh ((((((((((((((((( Jari )))))))))))))))))

So sad to hear you are going through this now.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on March 16, 2008, 02:31:01 PM
((((jari))) take care friend  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on March 16, 2008, 03:04:18 PM
((((((((((((((Jari)))))))))))))))

Please know that you are in my thougths.........
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on March 16, 2008, 03:23:49 PM
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Ystävä))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on March 16, 2008, 03:42:55 PM
((((((Jari))))))
It is always so hard to accept the loss of someone taken before we are ready.
And yes, it is always so unfair.
My thoughts are with you and your friend's family.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on March 16, 2008, 07:42:26 PM
With al the people dieing lately it got me wondering yesterday how long it would take for my mom to go.
She`s been seriously ill for years now cause of bone mearrow that doesnt work and gets transfusions on almost weekly basis.
i just woke up by a phonecall by my dad who said my mom has fallen down the stairs, she has lost a lot of blood,has internal bleeding in her head and broken bones in shoulder and arm for the least. They are not sure wheater she`ll make it till the morning(its middele of the night here)
and i cant reach anyone of family(brother,aunt in the US) so sorry for rambling overhere.

my mom was so afraid to die and i sure hope she wont go like this, but maybe its for the better?? i dont know, i guess you go when its your time?
thanks for listening.....
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on March 16, 2008, 07:43:49 PM
Oh ((((((((((((((Conny)))))))))))))))))))))

Praying for what is for the best.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: huntinbuddy on March 16, 2008, 08:16:17 PM
(((((((((( Jari  &  Conny ))))))))))

I'm at a loss for words.  Terrible news to hear, and it saddens me.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on March 16, 2008, 08:35:20 PM
(((((((JARI)))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on March 16, 2008, 08:35:46 PM
(((((((CONNY)))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on March 16, 2008, 09:18:00 PM
just got of the phone with my dad and a spokesowoman there. she`s in a coma and on intensive care, will know more in 15 minutes, but it doesn`t look good  :'(
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on March 16, 2008, 09:56:22 PM
((((((((((((((((((((((((( Conny )))))))))))))))))))))))))

You are in my thoughts tonight....... 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on March 16, 2008, 10:13:59 PM
going there now,mom is gonna die the next couple of hours,her brain is swelling up.
doint know when i`ll be back....
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: gnash on March 16, 2008, 10:37:51 PM

conny -- big hugs to you, dealing with this ordeal...

and nick, and jari too, everybody... during these rough times.

my dad passed recently, when i was visiting SF. it's been a heck of a year.


(((((((((((((((((((((((((everybody)))))))))))))))))))))))


(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ftaxine.com%2Ffullerspicer%2Fcherry_blossom01.jpg&hash=2f4099a75528cfc5a43f5cacf8eceaa5)


boneless blue above
the petals softly scented
springtime comes and goes


Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: BrokenOkie on March 16, 2008, 11:20:59 PM
((((((Conny))))))

((((((Jari))))))

((((((Jimmy))))))

Love to each of you.   

What a bitch of an unsatisfactory year 2008 has been so far for so many.   :'(


My mom fell today.  Again.  Her neck is broken.  This ain't good in so many ways.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: gnash on March 16, 2008, 11:43:52 PM
^^^ oh gosh, glenn, that sounds just awful -- best wishes for her recovery, and for your strength as well. what a year indeed. :/
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Tammy on March 17, 2008, 12:52:41 AM
Sending many, many hugs to Nick, Jari, Conny, Glenn, Jimmy and everyone else here who is going through such hard times.

Words fail me - this has not been a good year so far in so many ways.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on March 17, 2008, 01:12:23 AM
My thoughts to you all in this difficult time for so many.

I am sending up prayers for your loved ones that they may not suffer and for you all that you may be strong.

Love to all of you.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on March 17, 2008, 02:32:37 AM
omg, what a weekend !


jari, many (((((hugs))))). i hope you're able to let her go in peace and fulfil her last wish - to remember her as the wonderful woman she was.

conny, i'm so sorry...losing family is SO hard. i trust the universe does what's best for your mum, and spares her further pain. (((((conny)))))

jimmy, i wish the same for you - happy memories of your mother; and peace for her.

glenn, just as with conny's mum - let's trust that the universe does what's best for her. i'll keep her in my thougths.



(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs & love))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ChrisW on March 17, 2008, 02:42:25 AM
Dear forum members
I am reposting here the picture from TDS last week (it was actually about my son coming out)
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi167.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fu143%2Fchriswilson1_2007%2Fniallwin-1.jpg&hash=c1e4990d12465f3ae4921f1bb40b47b6)
my mum with my son. She died on 7.4.85 on Easter Sunday morning. Every year as Easter approaches I remember that dreadful time. Last night I went with my hubby to a performance of St Matthew passion (Bach), I have a gay student and he was singing in the basses, but I would have gone anyway. This piece lasts about three hours and gives plenty of time to reflect on life and death.

So you are all in my thoughts just now.
love to you all
Chris
 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: bbmbliss on March 17, 2008, 03:23:33 AM
Oh my, what a lot of awful news.  :'(

(((((((((Nick, Jari, Jimmy, Conny, Glenn))))))))

Love to you all.  You are all in my thoughts.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on March 17, 2008, 03:38:03 AM
((((((((((((((((((((((((((Jimmy)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Glenn))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


My thoughts are with you both....... 

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Trigger Hippie on March 17, 2008, 03:48:34 AM

(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fv627%2Fsifra%2Ffotos%2FFoto101.jpg&hash=b4cfcf08a4151fe6ae03aaa1ba2a461f)



Back to you sweetheart. Good job it is a big enough tree for all of us.

N
xx
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Zudos on March 17, 2008, 03:54:10 AM
Huge hugs and lots of love to Glenn, Conny, Jari and Jimmy....

So sorry to hear about all your news...
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: jack on March 17, 2008, 04:31:49 AM
oh my dear ones...

and you know you are all dear to me.

i sometimes get brickbats for being all logical when feelings are the appropriate response, but i guess its just the way my mind breaks things down.  at some level, we all know that people, and people's loved ones, are dying every minute of every day on a global scale, but we rarely allow ourselves to contemplate this.  that way lies madness.

i doubt that this year is worse than any other year, on that grand scale, and what we are experiencing is the downside of having spread our net of love so wide.  we now count among our intimates so VERY many people that that awareness of mortality is ever more personal.  for me, this is especially true.  unlike many of you, i have been the rolling stone that gather little or no moss.  i have little or no extended family to whom i am deeply connected, and fewer than a score of close personal friends, and at that, i consider myself a fortunate man, as true friends are a rare commodity.

it is a side effect of being a part, an intimate part, of this gigantic brokie village that i now know and care about so many more people and their lives than ever before.  on top of that, i now have a peer group that, plus or minus a decade, are in life stages similar to my own.  i KNOW in ways i could never have fathomed before, what you are all going through.  what happens to you and how you process it matters to me.  and i know that how i deal with my parent issues matters to all of you.

i have been given time to find and develop a side of me i didn't know i had, as i spend time seeing to the comfort and care of a frail elderly parent.  i spent much of yesterday and the day before taking care of my mother as one of her cats had a systemic shut down and had to be euthanized.  she is doing, for a neurotically pet loving woman, astonishingly well, helped by the fact she has another cat left to care for.  i spent 4 hours yesterday visiting her and doing her laundry and cleaning her kitchen, while i have 4 loads home that need doing.  i will spend today dealing with her pet and financial affairs, and later this evening, i will schlep over to her apartment and attempt to watch the opening segment of the latest edition of dancing with the stars.

i might have been less than enthused about all this yesterday, if bemused by the turn of events.  today i will be able to savor the best moments, and i will keep you all in mind, as you have kept me in mind as i struggled to this point.  my mother's alzheimer's progresses, but the improved physical and mental care are slowing the onset of serious consequences, and while sometimes confused, she is able to enjoy much of her life.  she has a hairdresser appointment on wednesday, and next sunday one of my young AA proteges will be having us over for dinner, no small task as he has to pick us up and drop us off.

all the above is occurring in no small part due to the encouragement, spoken and by example, of this very community i must from time to time mourn with.  life would not be the same without you.  keep my mother and i in your thoughts as you go through your process, and know that around the world prayers and wishes wing their way to buoy you.

i keep you in my heart,

jack   
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on March 17, 2008, 07:02:50 AM
my mom died peacefully at 10 am our time. at 8 we put off the tubes and let her die on her own, whicj took a while,cause my mom stayed the fighter she was till the end!
am at ,my dads home now,no time so back laters.
thanks all!!!

and glenn,darling i had to think of you this morning and then read this.
i am so truely sorry!!!
thinking of you!
take care and talk to ya soon!!!!
kl`k kl`k
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Zudos on March 17, 2008, 07:23:06 AM
Conny darling... So much love coming to you from me....  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Miaisland on March 17, 2008, 07:26:05 AM
My warmest sympathies

(((((((((((((((((((( Conny ))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on March 17, 2008, 07:42:47 AM
She's been battling with cancer since year 2000. Now the battle is lost, the treatment have been ended and she resides in hospice.

my dad passed recently, when i was visiting SF. it's been a heck of a year.


My mom fell today.  Again.  Her neck is broken.  This ain't good in so many ways.

my mom died peacefully at 10 am our time.


You are all in my thougths and prayers today. 


(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi54.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fg116%2FCellarDweller115%2Fphoto%2520caption%2520pics%2Fangel_red_comforting_grief1.jpg&hash=75d404c4b29083fd8bda26c85313a251)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Tammy on March 17, 2008, 08:23:33 AM
((((((((((((( Conny ))))))))))))))

Sending you lots of love.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on March 17, 2008, 08:34:42 AM
She's been battling with cancer since year 2000. Now the battle is lost, the treatment have been ended and she resides in hospice.

my dad passed recently, when i was visiting SF. it's been a heck of a year.


My mom fell today.  Again.  Her neck is broken.  This ain't good in so many ways.

my mom died peacefully at 10 am our time.


You are all in my thougths and prayers today. 


(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi54.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fg116%2FCellarDweller115%2Fphoto%2520caption%2520pics%2Fangel_red_comforting_grief1.jpg&hash=75d404c4b29083fd8bda26c85313a251)

OMG!! I haven't heard all this.....my thoughts are with you all ...my prayers are still coming for you and I'm hugging you all tightly!! :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on March 17, 2008, 08:41:14 AM

It's just so hard. She was as young as Jackie and it is, once again, so bloody unfair.

I'm so sorry,honey.....please know I'm thinking of you and all who are hurting right now.....
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: bbmbliss on March 17, 2008, 10:07:10 AM
Conny, I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum.

My heartfelt condolences to you and your Dad.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on March 17, 2008, 10:36:35 AM
It's been a terribly sad, often difficult several weeks, hasn't it?

I arrive in San Francisco, Tuesday, Feb. 26th, greeted at the airport by Linda and Jimmy. The next day as the three of us wander Japantown Jimmy receives a phone call where he finds out that his father has died. Tight hugs, Jimmy. Know that you are loved and being held in the arms of many.

Later that same day, Wednesday, Feb. 27th, Nick arrives at San Francisco airport. Linda, Jimmy and I pick him up. SO very nice having Nick back in my arms. That next morning Nick receives news that his mother has been admitted to the hospital, in terrible condition. Mom hung on tight until the early morning of Friday, March 14th, London time, still in that hospital, in that same bed, when she died, the day after her birthday, of all days. Tight hugs, Nicky-Yogi-Big Bear Rug-Hubby Love, know that you are loved and being held in the arms of many.

Today I come home and hear of Conny's mother's passing, and Glenn's mother's serious injury. Know that you, Conny and Glenn, are loved and being held in the arms of many.

Hope and thoughts of comfort to all of you, as well as to Jari and Jack to whom terrible changes may come some day soon as well.

I remember the terrible loss, the overwhelming grief of losing both of my parents within 17 months of each other. The darkest, the loneliest days of my life. It was my friends that helped pull me through those miseries, and your friends here that will help pull you all through yours...

Much love,
Rob
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Flyboy on March 17, 2008, 11:24:15 AM
Words fail me..........but just know that you all are in my thoughts today: Jari, Jimmy, Glenn and especially Conny...........Jonn
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: dahlia on March 17, 2008, 11:35:10 AM
((((((Conny))))))))

sweetheart

sending you the warmest hugs that I'm capable of.......
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Boris on March 17, 2008, 12:22:43 PM
Conny, my heart is with you.

Jimmie darling, I am so sorry.

When I am dead, my dearest,
Sing no sad songs for me;
Plant thou no roses at my head,
Nor shady cypress tree.
Be the green grass above me
With showers and dewdrops wet;
And if thou wilt, remember,
And if thou wilt, forget.

I shall not see the shadows,
I shall not feel the rain;
I shall not hear the nightingale
Sing on as if in pain.
And dreaming through the twilight
That doth not rise nor set,
Haply I may remember,
And haply may forget.


Christina Rossetti

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Boris on March 17, 2008, 12:24:23 PM
Glenn... that's such sad news. I wish you strength, friend (((((((((((((((((((((((((Glenn))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on March 17, 2008, 12:30:43 PM
((((((((((((NICK)))))))))))))

Forgive my PM sent earlier today, as I had not heard about your Mom.

My thoughts are with you.

Take care

Dan
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on March 17, 2008, 01:33:09 PM
Jari, Glenn and Conny - my thoughts are with you now.  I'm so sorry for this sadness.

much love,

Michael
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on March 17, 2008, 02:01:16 PM
(((jimmy))) hugs for you too sweetie.

thaks everybody for the sweet and comforting words,they really help a lot!!
We had to do a lot today,arrange verything for the cremation,which is this friday, clean all the blood and broken stuff here from the fall which was horrible but had to be done. and now i have to think wheather i`m able to speak up at the service. i know i could,but i alsno know i cant stop crying, so dont kow yet what to do.maybe i`ll pass. but i want to try and write her a poeme,which i always do when one of my dogs pass away. it helps me healing and get peace with it.
 i will be going home tomorrow afternoon to look after my cats,have an appointment with hope and need to get some clothes and stuff.
my brother is here and my aunt on her way from the US,so i ca go home.and will go back on thursday afternoon for the wake and service

take care all in these rough time!!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on March 17, 2008, 02:18:36 PM
((((((((((((((( CONNY )))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Jules on March 17, 2008, 02:26:39 PM
My thoughts are with you ((((Conny, Nick, Glenn, Jari, Jimmy))))
I'm at loss of words...What a terrible year.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: brian on March 17, 2008, 02:26:47 PM
Have just caught up and want to send my love and prayers for each of you with such sad news especially Conny. 20 months now and yet I dropped a tear for Mum yesterday as it was my birthday and I missed her early morning phone call. She always wanted to be first to wish me happy birthday.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on March 17, 2008, 03:31:18 PM
(((((((((((((((((((((((ConnyJariGlennJimmy))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Prayers for healing, prayers for eternal rest.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Marz on March 17, 2008, 03:38:26 PM
i like to say how sorry i am to anyone that has lost anyone close recently as u all know i lost my nan a few months back so if anyone wants to talk i am here for you all  thinking of you all at this difficult time
Marz xx
as someone said eariler this has been a horroribly sad year already for lots of members of the forum and i am here for all of you
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: dejavu on March 17, 2008, 04:02:37 PM
She's been battling with cancer since year 2000. Now the battle is lost, the treatment have been ended and she resides in hospice.

my dad passed recently, when i was visiting SF. it's been a heck of a year.


My mom fell today.  Again.  Her neck is broken.  This ain't good in so many ways.

my mom died peacefully at 10 am our time.


You are all in my thougths and prayers today. 


(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi54.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fg116%2FCellarDweller115%2Fphoto%2520caption%2520pics%2Fangel_red_comforting_grief1.jpg&hash=75d404c4b29083fd8bda26c85313a251)

I was trying to catch up over here because I got home and knew many bad things had happened, but hadn't heard what.

This post seems to sum it all up. 

I am thinking of all of you and am so sorry for all of the losses you have experienced.

((((((((((((((((Conny Jari Glenn Jimmy Nick ))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Trigger Hippie on March 17, 2008, 04:28:31 PM
It's been a terribly sad, often difficult several weeks, hasn't it?

I arrive in San Francisco, Tuesday, Feb. 26th, greeted at the airport by Linda and Jimmy. The next day as the three of us wander Japantown Jimmy receives a phone call where he finds out that his father has died. Tight hugs, Jimmy. Know that you are loved and being held in the arms of many.

Later that same day, Wednesday, Feb. 27th, Nick arrives at San Francisco airport. Linda, Jimmy and I pick him up. SO very nice having Nick back in my arms. That next morning Nick receives news that his mother has been admitted to the hospital, in terrible condition. Mom hung on tight until the early morning of Friday, March 14th, London time, still in that hospital, in that same bed, when she died, the day after her birthday, of all days. Tight hugs, Nicky-Yogi-Big Bear Rug-Hubby Love, know that you are loved and being held in the arms of many.

Today I come home and hear of Conny's mother's passing, and Glenn's mother's serious injury. Know that you, Conny and Glenn, are loved and being held in the arms of many.

Hope and thoughts of comfort to all of you, as well as to Jari and Jack to whom terrible changes may come some day soon as well.

I remember the terrible loss, the overwhelming grief of losing both of my parents within 17 months of each other. The darkest, the loneliest days of my life. It was my friends that helped pull me through those miseries, and your friends here that will help pull you all through yours...

Much love,
Rob

It's easy to see why I love you darling!

N
xx
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Trigger Hippie on March 17, 2008, 04:29:44 PM
((((((((((((NICK)))))))))))))

Forgive my PM sent earlier today, as I had not heard about your Mom.

My thoughts are with you.

Take care

Dan

It's fine Dan, thanks

N
xx
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: gres on March 17, 2008, 05:11:26 PM
She's been battling with cancer since year 2000. Now the battle is lost, the treatment have been ended and she resides in hospice.

my dad passed recently, when i was visiting SF. it's been a heck of a year.


My mom fell today.  Again.  Her neck is broken.  This ain't good in so many ways.

my mom died peacefully at 10 am our time.

Just want to sent you all and each one a big warm hug. My thoughts are with you and you are in my prayers.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Amiennis on March 17, 2008, 05:16:39 PM
For everyone mourning a beloved - words fail

(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi136.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fq161%2Fmarcuscarolus%2FReli%2FGeertgentotSintJansDeVeheerlijkingv.jpg&hash=ccf4fa76831bb02dff0678970600b0dd)

May they find peace
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: BrokenOkie on March 17, 2008, 05:47:21 PM
(((((Conny)))))     :-*

kl'k kl'k
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on March 17, 2008, 06:51:36 PM
((((((((((((((((((((((((Conny)))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am sorry for your loss.....  Peace be with your mom, and with you,your dad, and the rest of your family.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on March 17, 2008, 07:28:35 PM
Our choir is praying for all who have died and who have suffered loss, and for those still struggling.

((((((((((((ConnyNickGlennJimmyJari)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desperadum on March 17, 2008, 08:18:58 PM
Our choir is praying for all who have died and who have suffered loss, and for those still struggling.
((((((((((((ConnyNickGlennJimmyJari)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I have just been catching up to read all this. It seems like the health of parents is Topic A amongst so many of my contemporaries here. My own mother fell recently and broke her arm, which has handicapped her considerably and precipitated a more general decline. Nick, Jimmy and Conny, please accept my condolences at your respective losses. Glenn, I'm so sorry about your mom. Jari, I can empathize with you as well, as an old family friend has just had a major, five-hour surgery for a recurred cancer. There is nothing to repair such loss, just the lifetime of memories in our heads and hearts, and such comfort and strength as we can attempt to provide each other. Please know you are wll very much in my loving thoughts and prayers.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on March 17, 2008, 08:19:18 PM
(((((((((((((((Conny)))))))))))))))))
I just came in and read that your mom has reached her peace, and that she suffers no more. She was a fighter and brave woman, you are just like her.

I thought I would not be able to read my thoughts to Rick at has wake, but he gave me strength and helped me do it, for me, my sons and his friends.

A poem sounds just right, and even if you can't read it, she will, and knows how much you love her.

My thoughts are with you and your dad and family.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on March 17, 2008, 08:22:10 PM
(((((((((((Glenn)))))))))))))
I have been praying all day for your mom and for you, that all decisions may be made easier, and for ease and peace for her and you. She is a wonderful woman. I am so lucky to have met her.

Love to you both, my friend.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Elevation on March 18, 2008, 12:40:55 AM
(((((((((((((((((Conny, Jari, Nick, Glenn, and Jimmy))))))))))))) , I am so sorry for your loss and I think of you all in these trying times.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on March 18, 2008, 01:54:52 AM
thanks again ((((all))))  :-*
 esp for ((((glenn))) kl`k kl`k

linda i hope to be able to write a poem later today of tomorrow,have to be in my home for that and will try to read it at the service.my niece said she would stand there with me,and yes i know my mom will be there and would really appreciate it!

last night my dad,brother and me had a lovely chat about her and went trough some of her personal belomgings and each took something which we knew she would want us to have and so i got my moms and dads wedding rings(dad didnt want them) and some other juwelry of mom. and she was right there with us saying oh you gotta take that and maybe you want this....just the way my mom was  :)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Miaisland on March 18, 2008, 02:22:47 AM
(((((((((((((((((((((((( Conny )))))))))))))))))))))))

I have no words. Just warm thoughts.

(((((((((((((((((((((( Jari, Nick, Glenn and Jimmy )))))))))))))))))

Thinking of you all.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Tigs on March 18, 2008, 02:48:54 AM
Love, prayers and warm thoughts of comfort heading out to you all

Sal      :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on March 18, 2008, 07:10:31 AM
(((((((((((((((((((((( Conny, Jari, Nick, Glenn and Jimmy )))))))))))))))))

Sending vibes to all of you  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: phrag3 on March 18, 2008, 07:46:03 AM
thanks again ((((all))))  :-*
 esp for ((((glenn))) kl`k kl`k

linda i hope to be able to write a poem later today of tomorrow,have to be in my home for that and will try to read it at the service.my niece said she would stand there with me,and yes i know my mom will be there and would really appreciate it!

last night my dad,brother and me had a lovely chat about her and went trough some of her personal belomgings and each took something which we knew she would want us to have and so i got my moms and dads wedding rings(dad didnt want them) and some other juwelry of mom. and she was right there with us saying oh you gotta take that and maybe you want this....just the way my mom was  :)

((((((((((((((((((((((((Conny))))))))))))))))))))))))

Most people were surprised when I spoke at Scott's Memorial, but I knew it was something I had to do. I made arrangements with the Minister for her to read my words if I could not, and had a signal for her in case it was necessary. It was not.

Now, years later, I'm glad I did say my words. I knew that he heard them.

hugs, and strength

Dan

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on March 18, 2008, 03:45:56 PM
thanks dan!!

hope to write the poem tomorrow
me and mom about 2 years ago,she was already very ill here

(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fv627%2Fsifra%2Ffotos%2Fmam_176.jpg&hash=e006b88e9c36d23c23063390ef989c8d)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on March 18, 2008, 07:15:14 PM
I remember this picture Conny.
Thanks so much for sharing her with us once again.  :-*
She will always be looking over you, but you know that.

Love to you, lady.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on March 19, 2008, 01:14:33 AM
Thank you for the picture Conny...

Hope you're okay...

Hugs and love,
Rob
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rei-gyoku on March 19, 2008, 01:28:39 AM
I was just catching up after my trip and I have no words to hear all the sad news.
Just want to say that my thoughts are with you.

(((((Jari)))))
(((((Nick)))))
(((((Glenn)))))
(((((Jimmy)))))
(((((Conny)))))

Love you and thinking of you from this little corner of the planet.
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi211.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fbb139%2Fmoreigyoku%2FIMGP5988.jpg&hash=34d2f713434ff5aa32e0137494893de1)

Relma/Rei-g
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ChrisW on March 19, 2008, 01:52:14 AM
Conny, thanks for posting that lovely picture of you with your mum. Thinking of all of you.
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi167.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fu143%2Fchriswilson1_2007%2Fcollage-4.jpg&hash=b1872aab66e10444a33bae86b360bc22)
((((Jari, Nick, Glenn, Jimmy, Conny))))
We have planted memorial trees for our parents - they are quite small trees of course, but every time I go and stand among them I feel comforted. This is from sunset a couple of weeks ago.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: gnash on March 19, 2008, 02:13:04 AM
thank you chris, for your lovely thoughts. i know easter is a difficult time, so i'm thinking of you too.

thank you all for your kind words regarding my pops.

and many hugs also for everyone during the difficult times this past month.

xoxoxoxo
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on March 19, 2008, 02:24:18 AM
chris dat is beautiful those trees!!!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ChrisW on March 19, 2008, 02:43:04 AM
chris dat is beautiful those trees!!!
Conny and Jimmy - thank you both for being such an inspiration to me, we have to grieve for a time, but know you are not alone, that can help a bit.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Trigger Hippie on March 19, 2008, 03:34:21 AM
Conny, thanks for posting that lovely picture of you with your mum. Thinking of all of you.
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi167.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fu143%2Fchriswilson1_2007%2Fcollage-4.jpg&hash=b1872aab66e10444a33bae86b360bc22)
((((Jari, Nick, Glenn, Jimmy, Conny))))
We have planted memorial trees for our parents - they are quite small trees of course, but every time I go and stand among them I feel comforted. This is from sunset a couple of weeks ago.


Thanks Chris

My garden is already full of things for my Mum, but I think something extra and special will be planted now. Something happy, beautiful and serene, something that flowers too, of course. Something scented, becasue for the last years of her life she couldn't tolerate scents, they exacerbated her breathing problems.

Today my house is full of Lillies: Stargazer; Casa Blanca; La Reve; Easter Lillies; Journey's End. At the weekend there will be Narcissi & Daffs too. The place will be full of the blooms that she loved, but couldn't have.

The sun shines on them all here today.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on March 19, 2008, 05:45:52 AM
ah thats beautiful Nick and i`m sure she will see those flowers and now can smell them from up there!!
take care sweetie  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Boris on March 19, 2008, 08:38:14 AM
My mother loved red carnations. So every year on her birthday I buy them. For her.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on March 19, 2008, 10:56:19 AM
have written the poem and just heard i will be the last one to speak at the service.
hope i`ll find the strength to actually read it till the end.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on March 19, 2008, 10:59:19 AM
I am thinking of all of you today so much.  :-*
I can just see all those lovely flowers, Nick.
Carnations are one of my favorites as well Jari, the look and the spicy smell.

Rick loved the outdoors and taught me to love it as well. (Thus Chris, I  love the pics of the trees)
He was a plant person and preferred to give those to me instead of flowers. I love flowers.
Thus I compromise and have flowering plants.

I am thinking of him a lot these days with all that is going on with all my good friends.

My prayers are with all who are going thru death and illness of loved ones recently and all who are dealing with them further back.
Spring and the earth going through rebirth brings back so much of these thoughts to all of us. I pray that they are gentle memories and that the pain, though I know it never goes away, is peaceful in your hearts. This is my hope to all.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Boris on March 19, 2008, 11:04:11 AM
have written the poem and just heard i will be the last one to speak at the service.
hope i`ll find the strength to actually read it till the end.

You will, honey. We'll all be there in spirit to support you.

((((((((((((((((((((Connie)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on March 19, 2008, 11:08:00 AM
have written the poem and just heard i will be the last one to speak at the service.
hope i`ll find the strength to actually read it till the end.

(((((((((((((((((Conny)))))))))))))))))))
KNow that you mom will be there to give you strength, as she has done all her life, and know that you have that strength in you as well.
You know that we are all here sending you that strength, support and love.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: mcnell1120 on March 19, 2008, 01:48:48 PM
have written the poem and just heard i will be the last one to speak at the service.
hope i`ll find the strength to actually read it till the end.

((((((CONNY)))))))

We're all going to be there in spirit,supporting you and holding your hand,hon

Love you,

Nellie
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on March 19, 2008, 02:07:32 PM
have written the poem and just heard i will be the last one to speak at the service.
hope i`ll find the strength to actually read it till the end.

(((((((((((((((((Conny))))))))))))))))))

Know that your mom will be there with you......... may you find strength in that, and in the love and support of all your friends here.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on March 19, 2008, 02:43:04 PM
thanks a lot ya`ll  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Tammy on March 19, 2008, 03:33:28 PM
((((((((((((((( Conny ))))))))))))))))

We'll be there.  And Jackie will be there with you.  She bring the strength of a giant army with her, I'm sure. 
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on March 20, 2008, 12:22:48 AM
((((((((((((((( Conny ))))))))))))))))

We'll be there.  And Jackie will be there with you.  She bring the strength of a giant army with her, I'm sure. 

you know i so felt her yesterday when i took my afternoon walk at the beach!!!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on March 20, 2008, 04:10:00 AM
My garden is already full of things for my Mum, but I think something extra and special will be planted now. Something happy, beautiful and serene, something that flowers too, of course. Something scented, becasue for the last years of her life she couldn't tolerate scents, they exacerbated her breathing problems.

Today my house is full of Lillies: Stargazer; Casa Blanca; La Reve; Easter Lillies; Journey's End. At the weekend there will be Narcissi & Daffs too. The place will be full of the blooms that she loved, but couldn't have.

The sun shines on them all here today.

nick, somehow i can see your mum walking in a neverending flower garden full of the most beautiful smells.... :)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on March 20, 2008, 04:11:05 AM
have written the poem and just heard i will be the last one to speak at the service.
hope i`ll find the strength to actually read it till the end.

i'm glad you chose to speak at the service. we'll all be there with you, sending you strength and love. (((((conny))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on March 20, 2008, 05:03:39 AM
I just came in a moment ago from walking Bear. It's about 0400 my time, the moon near to full.

Heath Ledger died on the full moon day in January. It's significance today, with all the sadness we are feeling personally, hit me hardest yet.

Rest in peace, all those who have traveled on. We will catch up with you all in our own time...
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on March 21, 2008, 10:09:37 AM
Just a quick note to all. My mom just called from San Antonio.
My dad had a stroke this morning, but too soon to know the prognosis. I will let ya'll know when I find out more details.
Just send some thoughts that what is for the best happens.

My dad quit taking coumidin a couple of years ago,(his decision) so this was probably going to happen.
They do have all their paperwork in order, so that is a blessing.
My mom can't be at the hospital as she is pretty much chair bound because of a broken hip.
I will keep you posted as I find things out.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Marz on March 21, 2008, 10:11:54 AM
oh so sorry to here that killersmom i am thinking of you at this sad time
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ChrisW on March 21, 2008, 10:16:41 AM
sorry to hear this, (((((((Linda))))))
xxx Chris
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Miaisland on March 21, 2008, 10:17:29 AM
(((((((((((((((((((((((( Linda ))))))))))))))))))))))))

So sad to hear this.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on March 21, 2008, 10:39:28 AM
Thanks so much (((((((everyone)))))).  :-*
I will keep you posted as I find out more things.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: ChrisW on March 21, 2008, 10:46:09 AM
Thinking of you, Linda. My mum was taken ill on Good Friday all those years ago and died in the early hours of Easter Sunday.
I trust that whatever happens it will be for the best. Sorry you are so far away from your mum and dad.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: BayCityJohn on March 21, 2008, 10:54:28 AM
All I have to offer is big hugs for all.

(((((Conny, Glenn, Nick, Jimmy, Jari, and Linda)))))

I also emailed Maureen, and she sends her good thoughts and prayers for everyone.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on March 21, 2008, 11:04:00 AM
Thinking of you, Linda. My mum was taken ill on Good Friday all those years ago and died in the early hours of Easter Sunday.
I trust that whatever happens it will be for the best. Sorry you are so far away from your mum and dad.

This is what all of us hope for too, Chris.
I am just playing the waiting game now, so I will let you know.
My dad is not in good physical condition, so there is not much there for him to fight with.

Thanks so much for your thoughts and words.

It is so nice to be able to be here to share all of this with you all. I just wanted to let you know this.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on March 21, 2008, 11:04:40 AM
All I have to offer is big hugs for all.

(((((Conny, Glenn, Nick, Jimmy, Jari, and Linda)))))

I also emailed Maureen, and she sends her good thoughts and prayers for everyone.

Thanks John. :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: dejavu on March 21, 2008, 11:06:26 AM
((((((((((((((( Linda))))))))))))))))

Thinking of you and your whole family.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Flyboy on March 21, 2008, 11:42:54 AM
Thinking of you at this time, Linda, and sending up a prayer for your Father and family now...............Jonn
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on March 21, 2008, 11:56:07 AM
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Linda)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Your dad, you, and your whole family are in my thoughts and prayers......
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Tigs on March 21, 2008, 01:31:40 PM
Just to re-iterate what I said on the phone

I'm with you!!  You know where I am if you need me, take care of yourself!!!

Love you bunches

Sal     ;D
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on March 21, 2008, 01:46:00 PM
Thinking of you Linda...call me if/when you want to....

 :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on March 21, 2008, 02:23:27 PM
i'm thinking of you, linda, and wish all the best for your dad !  :) :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: dahlia on March 21, 2008, 03:34:38 PM
((((((Linda))))))) take care, you and your family are in my thoughts
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on March 21, 2008, 09:09:55 PM
Warm tight hugs, Lil Sis...

I'm there as a big part of your support system, you know that.

We're all here for ya, Linda...

Love to you,
Rob

 :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on March 22, 2008, 08:59:06 AM
((((linda)))) so sorry to hear about your dad
there`s something in the air i guess,sigh.....
take care sweetie,thinking of you!!!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on March 22, 2008, 10:02:09 AM
i am hope again, but it was very difficult leaving from my dad`s place this morning. had to though,casuse my dogsitters had some troubles and needed me back.
the service yesterday was very beautyful and very mom,she loved it i think.
i had a real hard time during the service and cried almost the whole time while reading my poem,but i did it!! and thats what counts.
i`ve translated it(may nog sound ok overall,but you`l get the point)

My mom she became 45 years ago
although she suffered a lot of hours
before she could hold me in her arms

My mom, a woman so powerfull
always on the move, and sometimes pure on her caracter she went on
cause giving up wasn`t in her vocabulary

my mom who didn`t talk a lot about her feelings
but yet always listenend and was there for me
just like the one time with easter when she arrived out of the blue with a large easter egg

My mom who mostly called me every other day
just to hear eachother
talk about every days life

My mom who taught me never to give up
keep on fighting,somtimes a bit down, but then kick in the butt and go for it!
get the most out of life!

My mom who didn`t always liked my choises
but in the end always let me free to make them
sometimes with a bit of a struggle, but we always made peace in the end

My mom who`s rings i now wear
this way youre always with me a bit
But also without that i know you will look after me and us
i can feel that you`re here

My mom who was so afraid to die, luckily has been taken away that fear
no more suffering,pain and not longer being limited in your abilities
peacefully you went away and can be free now

mom,thanks for everything you learned and gave to me
i am who i am partly because of you
you were,are And will always be my mom
i love you,bye and see you!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: fritzkep on March 22, 2008, 10:04:22 AM
Thank you for sharing this with us, ((((((((((((((Conny)))))))))))))).  :-*  :-*  :-*

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Tigs on March 22, 2008, 10:25:18 AM
That is beautiful Conny!

Sal     ;D
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: jack on March 22, 2008, 10:35:32 AM
beautiful conny... :'( :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Rob in Puyallup on March 22, 2008, 10:53:25 AM
{{{{{{{CONNY}}}}}}}

 :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: dahlia on March 22, 2008, 11:33:46 AM
thanks a lot for sharing, dear Conny  :-*

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: brian on March 22, 2008, 12:52:38 PM
Conny, beautiful and so true of most mothers. The poem should help keep her in your memory always.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Miaisland on March 22, 2008, 12:52:46 PM
Thank you for sharing from me too

(((((((((((((((((( Conny )))))))))))))))))))

You are in my thoughts.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on March 22, 2008, 01:59:06 PM
{{{{{{{{{{Conny}}}}}}}}}}
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: bbmbliss on March 22, 2008, 02:50:31 PM
So sorry to hear your news Linda.  I'll be thinking of you and your parents.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on March 22, 2008, 04:11:22 PM
((((linda)))) so sorry to hear about your dad
there`s something in the air i guess,sigh.....
take care sweetie,thinking of you!!!

Thanks so much (((((((((((Conny)))))))))))))) sweets! :-*
For your thought and support.

I love the poem you wrote about your mom.
So loving and beautiful, and I am so glad you were able to read the whole thing.
Thanks for sharing your words and your mom.
She will always be with you.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on March 22, 2008, 04:18:52 PM
So sorry to hear your news Linda.  I'll be thinking of you and your parents.

Thanks so much Sarah. I so appreciate your thoughts.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on March 22, 2008, 04:30:21 PM
Thank you ALL so much for all your thoughts and prayers.
My mom is doing as well as can be expected.
My dad is not doing well, but they are still running tests, so no long term prognosis yet.
He is paralyzed on the left side, and they have not been able to dislodge the clot yet.
He is reponding sporatically to commands and is somewhat combative.

I will keep you posted as to his progress and once again I thank you all for your good wishes and thoughts.
I have passed all your thoughts and prayers on to my mom.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: BrokenOkie on March 22, 2008, 06:45:57 PM
What beautiful feelings & memories you shared (((((Conny)))))

Your Mom must be even more proud of you and grateful for your gift back to her.

kl'k kl'k  :-*
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: BrokenOkie on March 22, 2008, 06:47:45 PM

He is reponding sporatically to commands and is somewhat combative.


((((Linda))))   His being combative may be a very good sign.

Prayers for you and your family.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on March 22, 2008, 09:24:15 PM

((((Linda))))   His being combative may be a very good sign.

Prayers for you and your family.

(((((((Linda))))))) sending lots of vibes your way :-* :-*

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: tfferg on March 22, 2008, 11:22:52 PM
Conny, Nick, Jari, Glenn, Jimmy, may I join belatedly  is saying how sorry I am for your losses.

Conny - what a lovely tribute to your Mum!

Linda - I hope your father pulls through with that feisty spirit of his.

We've just had the news of the passing of my partner's lovely young niece. Tukta was run over by a truck yesterday and taken to hospital in the provincial capital. Her internal injuries were such that that treatment could not save her.

Somphong and I are very fortunate in that his extended family accepted our partnership and Tukta was most demonstrative in her acceptance and welcome every time we visited the village. She always seemed merry and enjoying life. She was in her 30s, the only child of Somphong's older sister who was widowed far too young. She leaves a husband and a very young daughter who started school this year. We were looking forward to celebrating the Songkran festival all together next month.

One of Somphong's older brothers gave him a Buddhist message yesterday which is keeping him and others calm. He's now busy trying to contact his younger brother  - he and an older brother also live here in Bangkok - so we can all travel to the village.

As Issa says

A floating world it is, and yet...
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: brian on March 23, 2008, 02:48:06 AM
I am so sorry Tony
Thoughts and prayers with you and Somphong.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: conny on March 23, 2008, 03:01:21 AM
(((tony))) and family in my thoughts!
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Tammy on March 23, 2008, 03:04:35 AM
Your poem is lovely Conny.  Thank you so much for sharing it.  Beautiful words for a beautiful person.

(((((((( Linda ))))))) - sending positive, loving vibes your way.

(((((((( Tony )))))))) - what horrible news.  You're all in my thoughts.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Tigs on March 23, 2008, 03:10:56 AM
{{{{{Tony}}}}}  you are in my thoughts and prayers

Sal     ;D
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Miaisland on March 23, 2008, 05:54:11 AM
I am so sorry for all of you

((((((((((((((((((( Tony )))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: jack on March 23, 2008, 06:25:36 AM
tony, so sorry to hear of your family's loss.  please express to your partner my condolences from halfway around the globe.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: tfferg on March 23, 2008, 09:14:51 AM
Brian, Tammy, Conny, Tigs, Mia, Jack thank you from us both.

We'll go to the village tomorrow for three days of funeral rites.

Best wishes to you all.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on March 23, 2008, 10:41:16 AM
Tony thank you so much for your thoughts about my dad. He is a fighter.

I am so very sorry about you and your partner's loss. No circumstances surrounding anyone's death is easy and sudden death just takes one's breath away. Know that I am thinking of you and your partner and his family and especially her little daughter. I know it is especially hard on her. Just know that I have all of you in my thoughts and prayers.

Linda
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: dejavu on March 23, 2008, 12:50:27 PM
Beautiful poem about your mom, ((((((((((Conny)))))))))).  I'm so glad you were able to read it.

(((((((((((Tony))))))))))) I am so sorry to hear about your partner's neice, and the daughter she leaves behind.


(((((((((( Linda )))))))))) continuing to check in here for more news about your dad.  I join you in hoping for the best.  Tony's right that the combativeness could be a good sign.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Elevation on March 23, 2008, 01:25:56 PM
I can't believe all the sadness that has come upon so many of us lately. My condolences and many hugs to all of you!!

Conny, you are so right, there is something in the air. What a moving poem for your mother, thankyou for sharing with us as well as at the service.
Linda, you know I think of you and your family.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Marz on March 23, 2008, 02:50:39 PM
i know this has been a really bad year and its only march
starting with heath its just got worse and worse for alot of us
thinking of everyone who has lost a loved one this year sadly i know how it feels
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on March 23, 2008, 04:49:45 PM
((((((((((((((((((((((((Conny)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) thank you for sharing your beautiful poem... 


(((((((((((((((((((((((Linda)))))))))))))))))))))))))) my thoughts and prayers are still with you and your family.


((((((((((((((((((((((((Tony))))))))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry for the tragic loss of your niece.  Please know that you and Somphong and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: desertrat on March 23, 2008, 05:47:47 PM
tony, i'm so sorry for your loss....i'm glad you two are together in these hard times to morn her.

conny, that poem is SO beautiful. i almost cried when reading it. it shows what a wonderful, strong person your mother was.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: michaelflanagansf on March 23, 2008, 06:37:25 PM
Tony...I just wanted to pass along my condolences on the death of Tukta.  Both you and Somphong are in my thoughts.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: tfferg on March 23, 2008, 08:10:59 PM
Tony...I just wanted to pass along my condolences on the death of Tukta.  Both you and Somphong are in my thoughts.

Thank you so much Linda, Debbie, Martina, Michael, Elvan and Marz for your kind thoughts. I'm speechless at the moment.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: lovelyamazing on March 23, 2008, 08:27:09 PM
Brian, Tammy, Conny, Tigs, Mia, Jack thank you from us both.

We'll go to the village tomorrow for three days of funeral rites.

Best wishes to you all.

Tony I'm deeply distressed to hear about your partner's niece. My prayers for the family and deep thoughts for you as you attend the funeral.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: CellarDweller115 on March 24, 2008, 05:18:51 PM
Tony, I'm so sorry to hear about Tukta.  Keeping you and Somphong in my thoughts and prayers.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Marz on March 25, 2008, 05:21:57 AM
Tony...I just wanted to pass along my condolences on the death of Tukta.  Both you and Somphong are in my thoughts.

Thank you so much Linda, Debbie, Martina, Michael, Elvan and Marz for your kind thoughts. I'm speechless at the moment.

thats ok if you need to talk im here for you
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: dahlia on March 25, 2008, 11:38:33 AM
I'm speechless at the moment.

oh, ((((Tony)))) what a terrible news. I'm speechles too. Hugs to you and your partner.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Boris on March 26, 2008, 11:06:52 AM
I'm so sorry for your loss, Tony... such sad news.

Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Boris on March 26, 2008, 11:13:45 AM
Favorite poet of my mother was Eino Leino. There is a song made from his song "Ikävöi, ihminen" ("Yearn, O Man") which is about longing and yearning for something gone and something not yet here.

"Yearn, O man,
beyond time, beyond place and death!
On this shore of sorrow see thy sacred star beyond
the night and waters!
A golden string forever resounds in the human soul,
and the yearning lives,
Those content with what they had
their minds become one with earth"

The song is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Stuneblex3E 




Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: killersmom on March 26, 2008, 02:42:01 PM
Just a quick update for all those who have been sending me and my dad and family such wonderful thoughts and prayers.
He has a twofold problem, both an ischemic(non bleeding) clot and a hemorrhagic(bleeding) clot.
Surgery is needed, but he probably is not strong enough to withstand it due to age and physical condition.
Please pray that my mom is strong enough to make the decisions that need to be made. Myself and all of my siblings support her in whatever decision is made.

Thanks again for all your prayers, good thoughts and words I have been receiving. I am passing them on to my mom, and she is grateful.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Flyboy on March 26, 2008, 02:44:42 PM
Linda, thanks for the update, and the hopes and prayers will continue from here.........thinking of you and your family now........Jonn
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: Marz on March 26, 2008, 02:45:23 PM
thank you for update linda
thinking and praying for you and your family
stay strong
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: MaineGirl on March 26, 2008, 03:06:37 PM
((((((((((((Linda))))))))))))))))

My prayers and thoughts are with you too.
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: dahlia on March 26, 2008, 03:08:50 PM
when I saw these cherry flowers you came into my mind (don't exactly know why....)  so I'm sending them to you and your family, Linda, with a hug
(https://ultimatebrokebackforum.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi78.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fj108%2Fdahlia_photos%2FLakeComo08%2FIMG_4639.jpg&hash=7718b8898724e028dff956d7f8dceece)
Title: Re: Mourning Someone Who Has Died
Post by: dejavu on March 26, 2008, 03:23:02 PM
Linda, thanks for the upda