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Author Topic: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery  (Read 162843 times)

Offline michaelflanagansf

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #585 on: May 28, 2009, 02:49:31 PM »
 Thank you, my friend.  I know I shouldn't be angry at me, but I have made some choices in my life that now, looking back on them, cause me to be angry at me.  Long story....

It's probably cold comfort Raffi, but everyone has choices in their past that they have made which make them upset with themselves.  But one of the things that I needed to get my head around when I dealt with similar issues is that you really can't do anything about that, and it often distracts you from what you can do in your life right now.  I'm sure this is something you've thought of as well, but it's sometimes helpful to mention these sorts of things.

'Been reading a lot about abuse, and the more I read, the more I realize why I am such a mess!    Therapy is helping.  I don't have another meeting until Friday, and I can't wait.  I am taking one day at a time.   Was in bed until 10 this morning.  Depression makes me want to just sleep. 

Two things - one is that it's great to hear you are looking forward to your therapy session on Friday - it's good news to have something to look forward to.  And a comment about depression - it does all kinds of weird things to your head regarding anger - and it also screws up your time perception as well.  So it's not a big surprise that you get angry and smash dishes.  I used to get angry at panhandlers in the street and the homeless.  It is all out of proportion and doesn't make any rational sense.  And because it screws up your time perception the current moment becomes overbearing and crushing and you cannot see past today.  It's one of the really cruel things about depression - because if you could just see past today you would realize that nothing stays the same and that your life will change - it's inevitable. 


Having to break up a long relationship (longer than you would think) is also hard to deal with. {snip}  As far as the sexual identity issue, I have decided that I need to stay away from getting in any kind of relationship, be it with a male or female for a long while.   I need to discover who and what I am, and then go with it. 

That you did break up the relationship and that you have made a decision to give yourself a break regarding the sexual identity issue show that you are making decisions with your own well being in mind and that you are making good choices.  Another reason to give yourself kudos and to realize that you are making progress.

But as I said, therapy is going to help, I think, it just takes a long time, as Michael pointed out.   
Guys, thank you for all your words.   Keep giving me hope, of which I have very little nowadays.

Raffi

The depression blocks the notion of hope - so things that you would normally be hopeful for don't seem too hopeful when you are depressed.  But you've made changes in your life, you're making wise decisions and you've found a group of people to talk to.  So though it may not seem hopeful at the moment I would just encourage you to hold on and realize that you have things going for you.

All I can tell you is that it can get better.

Michael
I do my thing, & you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other - it is beautiful. If not it can't be helped.

Fritz Perls - A Gestalt Prayer

Offline michaelflanagansf

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #586 on: May 28, 2009, 03:05:35 PM »
Hey, Guys! 

It's me, again.  Can someone suggest a place in this forum for people like me who are trying to deal with sexual identity, not knowing if ur gay or bi, etc.   Also, any support on coming out, etc.

Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Raffi

There is something that is close to that here - the 'Why am I gay?' thread - in which everyone (straight, gay, bi) talk about sexual identity.  You could have a look - it's here:

http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=309.0

There is a bisexual thread (which is in the archive section, but I think you can still post there) which is here:

http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=2414.0

About.com has some sections in it about sexual identity (please excuse that it's in the gay teens section):

http://gayteens.about.com/lr/sexual_orientation/412852/4/

Here, for example, is a post from their forum:

http://gayteens.about.com/b/2009/02/20/from-the-forum-i-dont-know-what-my-sexual-orientation-is.htm

You might want to ask for pointers there as well.

Centerlink: The LGBT Centers page might have some suggestions for you as well:

http://www.lgbtcenters.org/site/PageServer

There is a list of centers here:

http://resources.lgbtcenters.org/Directory/Find-A-Center.aspx

Since you are dealing with mental health issues as well you might be able to get a good resource for your area from nami.org:

http://www.nami.org/

Hope this helps!

I do my thing, & you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other - it is beautiful. If not it can't be helped.

Fritz Perls - A Gestalt Prayer

Offline rbrtxvct

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #587 on: May 28, 2009, 03:36:29 PM »
Michael:

Thanks for your advice.   Yes, I know how depression can cloud up everything.   I keep saying, nothing matters, nothing matters.    God, I can't wait to talk about all this tomorrow with my therapist.   Oh, I need to clarify-- I have not broken the relationship yes, but I am in the dilemma of what to do, because I know there is no hope in going back with this person-- Ive been told in no uncertain terms that it can never be the way it was, so what to do?   I love this person with every fibre in me, but I have been told, no, so I have to take another route.   I am so afraid of letting go.  This is part of my life for the past....... years, and it's too much part of me and who I am.   Ever been there?   How can you break away from the person you have loved almost forever?   Oh, well, that's another issue to dea with.  No wonder I'm a mess!   
Thanks also for the different forums to go to.   I will try the first one you suggested and see wat I can find there.  I am very confused as to what or who I am.   The abuse happened early in my life, so that added to my sexual identity formation.  Anyway, thanks for all your help.   

Raffi

Offline jnov

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #588 on: May 29, 2009, 03:07:16 AM »
raffi,
just a reminder that therapy, dealing with abuse issues, figuring yourself out, these things take time.  and not a couple of months time but months and months, possibly years.  not that you will be static during that time but don't expect, or try to force, any answers or clarity for a while.
you had mentioned in an earlier post that you thought you might just let the sexual identity issue be dormant for the time being. 
getting information is mostly a good thing but don't think that you have to figure anything out anytime soon.
"i don't know" has become my catch-phrase for many, many things!!   :D :D

beth

Offline rbrtxvct

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #589 on: May 29, 2009, 10:41:17 AM »
dear jnov:

thanks for our reply.  you people are wonderful.  Just came back from therapy.  phew  !!!!!  Lots to deal with.   Yes, she said the same thing about the sexual identity issue-- we're gonna get to that, but not yet.  first, the relationship that i need to let go for my own sanity.  this relationship and the abuse both marked me for life.   One happened early in life, and the other in late teens early 20's.   Hard to give up.  it's like an alcoholic who must quit drinking or else.  Was given good advice.   When something "triggers" a  memory I need to get away from it somehow, do something, go out, go for a walk, say NO, try to think of something else.  It's like addiction to alcohol.  It's not easy because I've been relating to this person for so many years, like an alcoholic who has been drinking for years, and now has to say no to a drink whenever the tempation comes up.  I need to move on and think of something else, because if I don't this will continue to consume me.  The abuse is similar, b/c i get so many memories that get triggered in so  many ways, and I must deal with it, except i don't know how.  Can't deny it ever happened, but what do i do in order to get past that point.  I know, I know, it will take time, and maybe years, as you say.  Both are related, b/c the abuse created a question in my mind if I am gay, and the relationship accentuated it.   I've been married, but I was not honest to confront these issues and put them behind me, not realizing that they would rear their heads sometime in my life, and it happened.   So, here I am, trying to deal with something painful having to let go of the person I have loved for so long, and the fact that someone used his power over me when I couldn't say no.
It's good to "talk" to you.   thanks for listening.

R

Offline Miaisland

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #590 on: May 30, 2009, 04:41:26 PM »
Sorry that I have a long way to go, that I don't know how to put the words.

I am still thinking about you very much...

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Raffi )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
« Last Edit: June 06, 2009, 06:36:21 AM by Miaisland »
“Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach.” - Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Offline jnov

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #591 on: June 05, 2009, 11:48:27 PM »
hey raffi,
how are you holding up??



Offline rbrtxvct

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #592 on: June 08, 2009, 10:50:36 AM »
Hey, Beth!   thanks for asking.   I've had a so-so week, trying to make it through.   I ordered "The Black Swan."   It will prolly get here in a cpl days.   I am going to thereapy today.  She was gone for a week, so I am crawling up the wall!   I have read and re-read your posts and messages and those of Michael and Mia.   You guys are so nice.   there was a program on "depression" on PBS last week-   I haven't seen it yet, but will today.
Thanks for thinking of me.  I am also trying to decide how to let go of my love and write a letter and what to say.  Aug. 9th is going to be very hard for me this year.   'Been thinking about the "sexual issue, " and I think it's agood suggestion.   I'll share wiith my therapist today.   Have been reading in some of the sites that Micahel suggested.   All of this is helping.   
Shalom, love and blessings.

Raffi

Offline jnov

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #593 on: June 08, 2009, 12:38:48 PM »
you sound better.  glad you are moving forward.
i am leaving for the states in 4 hours so i am happy.  although i'll be happier when the flight is behind me!

Offline rbrtxvct

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #594 on: June 08, 2009, 02:43:26 PM »
Beth:

Hope you make it home ok.   Didn't know you were out of the states.   I visited Israel last year, (a dream come true), but loved getting back home. 
I feel a little better.  Hve been exercising (brisk 45 min. walk) in the evening.  Foolowed your advise on trying to stay "in the now" while I walk.  thanks!

Raffi

Offline Miaisland

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #595 on: June 08, 2009, 02:54:48 PM »
(((((((((((((((((((((((Raffi))))))))))))))))))))))

How good to hear from you! And to hear you do feel a little better.

 :-*
“Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach.” - Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Offline Miaisland

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #596 on: June 08, 2009, 02:55:29 PM »
Safe and pleasant journey

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Beth)))))))))))))))))))))))

 :-*
“Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach.” - Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Offline rbrtxvct

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #597 on: June 08, 2009, 05:27:23 PM »
Hello, Mia:

thanks for ur message.  Just came back from therapy.   Phewwwww!   So much to work on.  Too many issues!   I  need to be patient.   I'll be going back on Wed., so that's good.  It will make up for not being able to meet all last week.   So many questions, so many things to work on!   'Been told not to ruxh into any major decisions at this point.  I am too confused and panicky.   I tend to get that way in the middle of a criisis, and this is a major one.  I was told I will get through this.  I asked, are you sure?  yes, was the answer.   You guys are good, b/c a lot of what I heard today was similar to your advice.   So, keep it up, friends!   I'm glad you are helping other people, too.
Beth, hope you made it home OK.  It's always good to be home.
Love you all,

Raffi

Offline michaelflanagansf

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #598 on: June 09, 2009, 12:21:40 AM »
^^^  Good for you!  And I understand that the being patient part can be hard - you want and need change, but can't quite reach it.  The good news is that if you feel that there are issues to work on and you're getting impatient at least part of you feels that you will get through this - even if you are not consciously aware of it yet.

And yes - no need to rush into anything.
I do my thing, & you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other - it is beautiful. If not it can't be helped.

Fritz Perls - A Gestalt Prayer

Offline jnov

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #599 on: June 09, 2009, 09:25:51 PM »
i am home, safe and sound. and tired!!  thanks.   :-*