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Author Topic: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery  (Read 158627 times)

Offline Miaisland

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #615 on: June 05, 2010, 06:46:13 AM »
Thank you Beth!

A big ((((((hug)))))) back to you!

”The No Asshole Rule” is a book. It was mentioned in one of the articles. I have to get it.

If I only knew where to start talking…

The situation is much too complex, (former) friends of mine involved and as I found my way to make myself a place within the system that did this to me/that allowed this to happen and managed to do a job that got both appreciated and acknowledged it became even worse. It didn’t stop until I had isolated myself from the community. As I have now.

And I am not the only one that has been victimized by this system or by this director. Others were diagnosed with post traumatic stress and will never return to any kind f work.

What we have in common is that we were deeply engaged in what we worked with, that we really wanted to achieve something without focus on advantages for ourselves and that we got acknowledged and appreciated for it. In this article series that is now published in Sweden’s leading morning paper I recognize us.

Today I read that in France and Belgium the term ‘harcèlement moral’ is used instead of bullying. It is a crime since 2002. If we had been French the director, my boss, would risk up to a year in prison and paying up to 15 000 euro in damages for what she did to me.
“Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach.” - Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Offline Miaisland

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #616 on: June 05, 2010, 06:51:39 AM »
The term Haracèlement moral (moral harassment I guess) comes from a book with the same name by psychoanalyst Marie-France Hirigoyen.  In English “Stalking the soul. Emotional abuse and the erosion of identity".

Must read that one too.

http://www.webheights.net/GrowingbeyondEmotionalAbuse/hirigoyen/sts.htm

"In this groundbreaking account -- already an international bestseller -- Dr. Marie-France Hirigoyen lays bare the destructive "hidden" phenomenon of emotional abuse. She argues that while emotional abuse is not as visible as physical abuse, it is equally violent -- and perhaps even more widespread. It is a crime whose aim is, she says, "a virtual murder of the soul."

Emotional abuse exists all around us -- in couples, in families, and in the workplace. But in an age where moral and behavioral standards are not absolute, society turns a blind eye to this insidious form of violence, tacitly condoning conduct that is both dangerous and perverse.

Illustrating her points with gripping case histories from her own therapeutic practice, plus popular examples ranging from the films of Hitchcock to the personal life of Einstein and the works of Ovid, Kafka, and Freud, Hirigoyen analyzes the psychology of abusers and their victims as well as the dynamic between them. She breaks down the stages of emotional abuse, a process that begins with seduction and brainwashing and culminates in an open violence that sweeps the victim into a vortex of destruction. Finally, she offers practical advice on how to break free of abuse's vicious hold.

Stalking the Soul is a call to recognize and understand emotional abuse and, most importantly, to overcome it. Sophisticated yet wholly accessible, this landmark account is vital reading for health professionals and victims of abuse, as well as for the concerned public. In 1995 Daniel Goleman showed the world that emotions shape our intelligence. Today Marie-France Hirigoyen shows that emotions shape our entire being -- indeed, our very soul.
[from the inside flaps]"



“Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach.” - Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Offline jnov

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #617 on: June 05, 2010, 07:19:15 AM »
i used to work in juvenile court, abuse/neglect, and emotional abuse was absolutely the hardest to deal with from a legal viewpoint because it is so hard to define and prove.  that book sounds like an important read, i put it on my to-read list.

the worst thing i encountered with emotional abuse is that the person being abused comes to believe that he/she deserves to be treated as such.  it can indeed shape the whole of our being.

i'm sorry you had to experience this trauma.  and even more sorry that you feel (felt) that you had no one to share your experience with and/or no one to support you while you were going through it.  to me the feeling of isolation makes the abuse so much more horrible.

but at least here you know you are not alone.  we may not have experienced the same type of abuse but we all understand the pain, the trauma, the long lasting effects it has on our lives.

stay strong and we are here to listen and support you.
hugs.
beth

Offline Miaisland

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #618 on: June 05, 2010, 02:49:09 PM »
Oh Beth! Your work in juvenile court must have been the hardest. I can’t even imagine….

In France when ‘moral harassment’ (workplace bullying as we would call it here) became a crime I read that the cases had to be divided between different courts, different people, because it was so painful for them to follow. After reading about the cases in the articles I can understand that, emotional torture I would say. Also considering how our identity and value as human beings is connected to work.

Oh how I recognize the panic and the fright I read about. The feeling of isolation is horrible. I think that the isolation is the sign of a successful bullying. That the bully wanted to cause the isolation all the time.

What hurts the most I think is the people standing next to this, the people that saw it happening, even friends I tried to talk to while it happened that just saw it happening, that didn’t help or stand up for me even if they knew what was happening.

And of course the way one starts to believe that it is what one deserves is the worse. That is one of the ways that makes the bullying successful.

I do have hopes because of these articles. Maybe this will be a help for me to talk about it.

Thank you for listening (((((Beth)))))
« Last Edit: June 05, 2010, 02:56:25 PM by Miaisland »
“Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach.” - Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Offline Miaisland

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #619 on: June 05, 2010, 05:24:42 PM »
Since then and for long periods afterwards I have slept near the door with my coat on. I didn't understand it until now.

I did so to be ready to flee, I was always ready to flee.....

I think I still am.....
“Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach.” - Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Offline jnov

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #620 on: June 05, 2010, 11:15:41 PM »
i have a friend here whose then 6th grader was being bullied in school.  he wouldn't say anything about it and it took her a long time to figure out what was going on.  she finally got him to admit to it when she found him sleeping in the closet huddled in a corner.  and he is not a slight boy but taller than most of his classmates.  turns out he was being bullied by an 8th grader who didn't like the fact that this boy was a better swimmer than him on the swim team!!

when she brought it to the attention of the principal, he brought in the bully who immediately confessed to everything.  so the principal was gonna let it all drop because the boy was "honest" about it!  can you imagine.  no consequences just because he confessed!!  luckily she convinced the principal otherwise and he did face consequences.

but when it happens as an adult, with friends around who see it but do nothing .... 

this situation i think shows the important of public conversation about these issues.  it brings it out into the open, allows people to talk about it, provides a vehicle for those who have been effected to begin a conversation.

i am so glad you found those articles.  and that they were printed!

Offline Miaisland

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #621 on: June 06, 2010, 06:53:52 AM »
That is terrible. What a good thing your friend could convince the principal that there would be consequences for the bully.

The stories I could tell you from the schools in this municipality…. Over and over again the school inspection finds serious flaws in the work against bullying and emotional abuse. Principals, school director and politicians are breaking the law.

Maybe I should add that I worked for the school organization here when this happened to me. The school director is the boss I talked about. Friends of mine saw this happen as co-workers in the project group I worked in or closely connected to the project as politicians.

These articles will make a difference I think. For the situations in the schools too. We all know that it is adults that teach kids to bully. What I read is spinning in my head, mostly about the described cases, victims that show the same symptoms as victims of war and torture. I also think about people being around, seeing what is happening without saying or doing anything. These harder times at our workplaces is good times for the bullies, I read. 30 years ago it wouldn’t happen without people standing up for each other. Silence seems to be better than risking becoming the next victim at work.

I am hoping that it will be possible to start talking about these issues, to talk about adult bullying and emotional abuse at work places. It seems the abuse isn’t isolated, the workplace bully is a bully and abuser in other parts of his/her life too. So the abusive boss can be an abusive spouse, parent, friend….

I can’t wait for the next article in the series tomorrow on “How the Swedish authorities sabotages the law”.
“Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach.” - Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Offline Miaisland

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #622 on: August 20, 2010, 12:45:32 PM »
Two days ago I met her.... I think I made some kind of smile as I said hello. I am not really sure.

My stomach was in an uproar. I am still in an uproar.

I so hope that one day I will be able to leave it all behind. To be able to meet her and not care....

And to stop call her satan..... To think of her as a person of no imprtance, of no power.....

I am not there yet.

“Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach.” - Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Offline jnov

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #623 on: August 21, 2010, 05:55:48 AM »
mia,
you've started on the path of healing so you have already reduced her power.  one step at a time.  just keep your focus on you and give yourself some compassion.   you'll get there.   

Offline Sason

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #624 on: August 21, 2010, 03:53:48 PM »
I've been reading back in this thread recently.

I'm in awe of what's been happening here.

The friendship, love, compassion, reaching out to each other, and healing that has taken place in this thread makes me humble.

Reading this thread has been like a journey from horror to hope.  Awesome.

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Offline Sason

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #625 on: August 21, 2010, 04:06:00 PM »
Mia, I'm sure you'll be able to ignore this person one day.

Maybe you should seek professional help?

I think a good therapist could be of real help for you.

I know from personal very harsh experience what it's like to have a boss who is a psychopath.
It cost me my job, but in the long run it was for the best because I have a much better job today.
But it took a long time to get over the psychological trauma of the bullying and harassment I suffered,
and only with the help of a therapist. I also had very strong support from some of my coworkers, and that really made all the difference. It helped me to not lose it completely.

I really hope you'll be able to get over it one day too.


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Offline desertrat

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #626 on: August 23, 2010, 03:47:40 AM »
dear mia, i feel with you. i wish i could give you a better report, but i'm not sure. even now, 15 years after i suffered abuse from my ex-boyfriend, and even now, that i'm happily married and a generally happy women, there are some things that i guess i will never get over:
- when i leave the house i need to be properly dressed, groomed and generally good looking. i do have this nightmare of looking ugly and just then meeting him or his wife, feeling all small and vulnerable. i need an "aura" of beauty and success around me as an armour against him. i'm afraid that he will see me and think (or even worse, say) that i lost. that one can see my life is worth nothing without him (all things he told me when we were together).
- when i met them last year, about exactly a year ago, it took weeks for me to get over it. still today, i'm going over every second of that meeting. did i look good? did i look happy and successful? what did i say? how did it sound? what were my gestures?

i guess it will never stop. i think of it as an success when i manage not to let it rule my life. but ever having a relaxed meeting with him or his wife? i don't think so.  :-\
Minds are like parachutes... they both work better when opened.

Offline mcnell1120

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #627 on: August 26, 2010, 01:51:42 PM »
Thanks Beth and Nax:

Good to know there are people out there.   Therapist yesterday recommended a support group.  I told her about finding you guys and she said it was a good thing.  I need to talk to somebody.  therapy is working, but i had a rough nite and this mroning i was back to same feelings.  I get scared sometimes.   Just had another thought of how easy it is to end life.   This is going to be a long week-end.    The last person I needed to hear from this a.m. was my good old bro.   I didn't answer the call.  Heard the message later.    I need to forgive one day at a time, but guys, it is hard when you have all these memories.   I think you guys know what im talking about.
Thanks for listening.



Hi Raffi......welcome to this wonderful Forum.

I understand where you are coming from....I understand the pain and that feeling of ending it all...I too had such feelings...it's been years and years since then,but at times I feel like it resurfaces...it takes time of talking,of living a good life...of allowing yourself happiness and convincing yourself that you had nothing to do with it, it wasn't your fault..you couldn't prevent it from happening....you couldn't stop it....

my heart goes out to you and please REMEMBER every time you feel down and lonely...come in here...read...PM...know that this is a passing thought, and that it WILL GET BETTER....this will NEVER happen to you again....and with each day you WILL FEEL BETTER and be able to put it all aside and not feel like a prisoner any longer...you will feel happiness....I promise

Nellie
RICKY MARTIN ,tu eres mi Kiki !

Offline Miaisland

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #628 on: August 28, 2010, 12:53:48 AM »
mia,
you've started on the path of healing so you have already reduced her power.  one step at a time.  just keep your focus on you and give yourself some compassion.   you'll get there.   

I hope so. Thank you so much for being here ((((((Beth)))))) !

It means a lot!
“Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach.” - Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Offline Miaisland

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #629 on: August 28, 2010, 01:00:36 AM »
Mia, I'm sure you'll be able to ignore this person one day.

Maybe you should seek professional help?

I think a good therapist could be of real help for you.

I know from personal very harsh experience what it's like to have a boss who is a psychopath.
It cost me my job, but in the long run it was for the best because I have a much better job today.
But it took a long time to get over the psychological trauma of the bullying and harassment I suffered,
and only with the help of a therapist. I also had very strong support from some of my coworkers, and that really made all the difference. It helped me to not lose it completely.

I really hope you'll be able to get over it one day too.



Thank you. I'll see what kind of help I could get. Thw three hours professional help I got from the employer when it happened was like a joke.

I am so sorry you had to go through that. What a good thing you had coworkers who supported you.

The artiicles I talked about has been really good. Suddenly it became possible to talk about it.

If you haven't seen them, here's a link to one.

http://www.dn.se/kultur-noje/nyheter/varst-for-dig-sjalv-var-heder-har-inget-pris-1.1118148


“Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach.” - Clarissa Pinkola Estés