I wonder how everyone is doing now, three months after I did my last posting...
Over here, life remains a struggle. The hardest thing is not to give in to the tendency towards self-destruction - it takes so much of my energy, still...
BTW, I wonder why this is an open thread; I, for one, would feel much safer if it were closed to outsiders, non Brokies. I assume I ought to address the moderator about that.
For privacy issues...yeah,I guess people will feel like they can talk easily w/o the fear of a specific individual who may read this....or fear of anything we say in here will bite us on the ass..
Marc...I'm wondering the same things at times,I haven't visited certain threads in months and months...I had decided long ago when we opened this thread that I would never come in here and talk about certain things in my life....we started in the Affected Me thread,but now....well, I don't know...I feel too open to the world I guess
But since yesterday,I had a conversation with a good friend from this Forum..we talked on the phone,talked about certain things in our lives....and I slipped and mentioned the "S" word......yeah..."suicide"......about at one point in my life, I wanted to....but he ignored it listened and I was glad,no questions asked...we continued to other topics
Now I can't stop thinking about it....about how at one point I wanted to end my life...this self destruction and just not caring of the effects that would occur to my family,especially my parents....it started in my teens and as recently as a few months ago when my husband and I were in a rough situation...all because of me and my Brokeback obsession...all because of the awakenings that happened because of this movie....I was confused and he was angry....he thought I was a closet gay and I wasn't...he thought I wanted to be single again and I didn't...he even thought I was in love with a certain member in here,and I'm not....it was bad...really bad..and I struggled for a few weeks...I would call Jackie and in tears we would talk it out..she even told me she would talk to my husband if I wanted to...I said "NO WAY IN HELL"...I was too afraid....she didn't know what to do with me....
This one member from this Forum that I talked to yesterday would give me a hard time,trying to wake me up,shake my stuff and start to realize that I needed to move on,but he had no clue that I was "this" close to getting in my car and running into a brick wall or a tree at 90 miles an hour....just like a friend did...even though I have small children and a family that loves me,I wasn't thinking about that....the hurt takes over your thoughts....your logics
you have no idea how Jackie saved my life ...it was our secret...and I wonder if maybe she slipped and told anyone...I wonder how many of you knew just how fucked up I was
But I'm a survivor.....after all the crap happened,my hubby and I have gotten to talking...we became closer,opened up some...we still have a little ways to go...I never ONCE told him what I wanted to do....don't think it's important now....it's so different right now..I hope it continues to stay this way and that our love will grow stronger....
I'm a new person now....even 6 months ago,I see a change in me...I'm not afraid to venture off and try new things...I speak my mind more now...I'm confident.......but I will be honest ....at times you feel like you're sinking down...just a tiny bit,especially when you start thinking about "things"....someone you miss....your past...anything....just pick yourself up...play some good music,watch a good movie...call a friend...and talk
I don't have that friend anymore....no one here at home understands me the way Jackie did...but I must move on...I HAVE to.....so that is why I called two other buddies of mine...I needed to hear a familiar voice...someone I knew understood me and knew me from 2 years ago....who knew some of my secrets I never shared with anyone else outside this "circle" of friends....I'm okay now....I don't feel like I need professional help...I just need reassurance..I need friends like yourselves...
Thank you for listening...
Nellie