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Author Topic: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery  (Read 188288 times)

Offline jnov

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #435 on: January 22, 2008, 07:33:09 AM »
thanks for the support ybwc.

i am still friends with the person, and i am hoping that slowly, through our friendship, he will come to see things a little differently.

Offline Amiennis

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #436 on: January 23, 2008, 11:34:36 AM »
My dearest, darling Jackie, I am so thankful that you are without pain now, and in peace.

Thank you for everything.
I will always love you.

Your
Marc
"You got no fuckin idea how bad it gets"

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-GtMDLlGRI

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Offline Amiennis

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #437 on: January 23, 2008, 11:37:23 AM »
After W.H. Auden's Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message She is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

She was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
"You got no fuckin idea how bad it gets"

Ms Jiminy's Travel Kit/d
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-GtMDLlGRI

Ms Jiminy FOREVER

Offline Amiennis

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #438 on: April 17, 2008, 04:48:15 PM »
I wonder how everyone is doing now, three months after I did my last posting...
Over here, life remains a struggle. The hardest thing is not to give in to the tendency towards self-destruction - it takes so much of my energy, still...

BTW, I wonder why this is an open thread; I, for one, would feel much safer if it were closed to outsiders, non Brokies. I assume I ought to address the moderator about that.
"You got no fuckin idea how bad it gets"

Ms Jiminy's Travel Kit/d
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-GtMDLlGRI

Ms Jiminy FOREVER

Offline jnov

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #439 on: April 17, 2008, 10:08:04 PM »
this is one of those threads that, although it often goes silent for stretches at a time, makes me feel better just knowing it is here and available should i need it.
so far i have been doing okay so i have been silent.
i hope you all have been doing okay too.

beth





Offline Amiennis

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #440 on: April 18, 2008, 04:48:45 AM »
Glad to hear that you're OK, Beth.
"You got no fuckin idea how bad it gets"

Ms Jiminy's Travel Kit/d
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-GtMDLlGRI

Ms Jiminy FOREVER

Offline mcnell1120

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #441 on: April 18, 2008, 08:56:10 AM »
I wonder how everyone is doing now, three months after I did my last posting...
Over here, life remains a struggle. The hardest thing is not to give in to the tendency towards self-destruction - it takes so much of my energy, still...

BTW, I wonder why this is an open thread; I, for one, would feel much safer if it were closed to outsiders, non Brokies. I assume I ought to address the moderator about that.

For privacy issues...yeah,I guess people will feel like they can talk easily w/o the fear of a specific individual who may read this....or fear of anything we say in here will bite us on the ass..

Marc...I'm wondering the same things at times,I haven't visited certain threads in months and months...I had decided long ago when we opened this thread that I would never come in here and talk about certain things in my life....we started in the Affected Me thread,but now....well, I don't know...I feel too open to the world I guess

But since yesterday,I had a conversation with a good friend from this Forum..we talked on the phone,talked about certain things in our lives....and I slipped and mentioned the "S" word......yeah..."suicide"......about at one point in my life, I wanted to....but he ignored it listened and I was glad,no questions asked...we continued to other topics

Now I can't stop thinking about it....about how at one point I wanted to end my life...this self destruction and just not caring of the effects that would occur to my family,especially my parents....it started in my teens and as recently as a few months ago when my husband and I were in a rough situation...all because of me and my Brokeback obsession...all because of the awakenings that happened because of this movie....I was confused and he was angry....he thought I was a closet gay and I wasn't...he thought I wanted to be single again and I didn't...he even thought I was in love with a certain member in here,and I'm not....it was bad...really bad..and I struggled for a few weeks...I would call Jackie and in tears we would talk it out..she even told me she would talk to my husband if I wanted to...I said "NO WAY IN HELL"...I was too afraid....she didn't know what to do with me....

This one member from this Forum that I talked to yesterday would give me a hard time,trying to wake me up,shake my stuff and start to realize that I needed to move on,but he had no clue that I was "this" close to getting in my car and running into a brick wall or a tree at 90 miles an hour....just like a friend did...even though I have small children and a family that loves me,I wasn't thinking about that....the hurt takes over your thoughts....your logics

you have no idea how Jackie saved my life ...it was our secret...and I wonder if maybe she slipped and told anyone...I wonder how many of you knew just how fucked up I was

But I'm a survivor.....after all the crap happened,my hubby and I have gotten to talking...we became closer,opened up some...we still have a little ways to go...I never ONCE told him what I wanted to do....don't think it's important now....it's so different right now..I hope it continues to stay this way and that our love will grow stronger....

I'm a new person now....even 6 months ago,I see a change in me...I'm not afraid to venture off and try new things...I speak my mind more now...I'm confident.......but I will be honest ....at times you feel like you're sinking down...just a tiny bit,especially when you start thinking about "things"....someone you miss....your past...anything....just pick yourself up...play some good music,watch a good movie...call a friend...and talk

I don't have that friend anymore....no one here at home understands me the way Jackie did...but I must move on...I HAVE to.....so that is why I called two other buddies of mine...I needed to hear a familiar voice...someone I knew understood me and knew me from 2 years ago....who knew some of my secrets I never shared with anyone else outside this "circle" of friends....I'm okay now....I don't feel like I need professional help...I just need reassurance..I need friends like yourselves...

Thank you for listening...

Nellie
RICKY MARTIN ,tu eres mi Kiki !

Offline jnov

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #442 on: April 18, 2008, 10:00:07 AM »
when i was a freshman in college i would walk back to my dorm every day after class saying out loud to myself:
i don't want to be dead, i just don't want to be this unhappy.

it was my mantra.  and then sometimes i would sit on my bed in my dorm room, thinking "don't move.  do not move."  cause if i moved i might do something harmful to myself.  so i would not move until the feeling passed.

junior year i lived with people i didn't really know or like.  so i switched my days and nights around, staying up all night and sleeping all day.  i almost flunked out.  i would call Dial A Prayer at midnight just to hear someone talking to me.

yet i had "close" friends upstairs, friends i met freshman year and we were a very close group.  they had no idea.

i used to think people who committed suicide did it because they were numb inside.  after that i realized it was, at least in my situation, not numbness but pain.  a sharp pain inside and a lot of blackness.

after college i finally got myself into counseling and that has given me back my life.  of course, it took years and cycles of going and then not and then going again.

i still have to watch myself, watching for signs of depression.  i've gotten really good at knowing what my personal signs are.

and i also have loving family around.  and good friends.  that helps.  but sometimes .....

nellie,
we know.  we are here.  whenever you need to express whatever is going on inside of you.

beth





Offline Rob in Puyallup

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #443 on: April 18, 2008, 10:11:10 AM »
Beth...

Real big hugs babe, many of us here have been in that same place. We know that sort of pain... We've all survived it, just as you have...

 :-* :-* :-*
Rob
Old Brokeback got me good...

Offline mcnell1120

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #444 on: April 18, 2008, 10:21:28 AM »

<snip>

i used to think people who committed suicide did it because they were numb inside.  after that i realized it was, at least in my situation, not numbness but pain.  a sharp pain inside and a lot of blackness.
beth


Beth....wow!

I'm so glad you posted..thank you!

I used to think people who killed themselves were losers...just plain ole fuck-ups....people who needed to be heavily medicated. I feel so badly now for those people...yes, some of them needed meds,needed counseling...they needed help,a voice....like being trapped in a cage with sound proof walls....screaming and no one to hear them...

I understand now that when at times I would talk about it when I was younger, it was actually a sign for help....I was hoping someone would say "What?".....:"what did you just say?"....
BETH...I want you to know that I'm here for you too,my friend.....just know that I'm hugging you tight

Nellie
« Last Edit: April 21, 2008, 03:13:57 PM by mcnell1120 »
RICKY MARTIN ,tu eres mi Kiki !

Offline mcnell1120

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #445 on: April 18, 2008, 10:24:58 AM »
Rob...we are all survivors...yes,you're so right....I'm so glad that's all in the past now!!

big (((hugs))) to you too!!
RICKY MARTIN ,tu eres mi Kiki !

Offline Rob in Puyallup

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #446 on: April 18, 2008, 10:36:52 AM »
Nellie...

I've missed your frequent hours longs visits to the Diner. (I've not really been there much lately, myself...)

I hope some day in the near future we're able to see each other in person again. Last time was Linda's in San Antonio. Too long ago...

Big hugs with kisses, sweetie!

Rob
Old Brokeback got me good...

Offline mcnell1120

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #447 on: April 18, 2008, 12:36:53 PM »
Nellie...

I've missed your frequent hours longs visits to the Diner. (I've not really been there much lately, myself...)

I hope some day in the near future we're able to see each other in person again. Last time was Linda's in San Antonio. Too long ago...

Big hugs with kisses, sweetie!

Rob

Rob,

I miss those days too,darling.....don't know if it'll ever be that way again. Don't even know if we'll ever see each other again....but one thing I DO KNOW, is that I still want to keep in touch...still want to read your posts and know how all of you are doing....I still care and still think of you

Today was one of those days...I had lots of time to roam the halls in here and catch up...

and even though I voiced some things just now...it's only in the past....these things don't haunt me anymore,they were just there..you know me...once it's in my head I have to vent...lol....but I know you guys understand,and to me that's such a gift...I'm so grateful for you all...

((hugs))

Nellie
RICKY MARTIN ,tu eres mi Kiki !

Offline Miaisland

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #448 on: April 18, 2008, 12:54:05 PM »
this is one of those threads that, although it often goes silent for stretches at a time, makes me feel better just knowing it is here and available should i need it.
so far i have been doing okay so i have been silent.
i hope you all have been doing okay too.

beth


Have the same feelings, had the same thoughts....

((((((((((((((((( Marc, Nellie, Beth, Rob ))))))))))))))))))!!!!!!!

With love!!!!!
“Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach.” - Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Offline Brokeback_1

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #449 on: June 29, 2008, 03:43:17 AM »
Silent or not, I'm glad this thread is still here.

Give it a few...it will be active again--- for the healing which took place on this thread defies description.
There was some open space between what he knew and what he tried to believe but nothing could be done about it, & if you can't fix it, you've got to stand it