Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery

[michaelflanagansf]

So...I decided that if I never answered his calls, I wouldn't ever have to hang up on him.  I took the words of his threat and turned them around into my own solution.  I got a new second phone number, left the old number connected but with no phone plugged in (so that he wouldn't find out that I had changed my number, because that would have aggravated him for sure), and I just "disappeared" from his life.  Eventually he must have given up, because I've never heard from him again and it's been many years.

Debbie you were very wise to do this.  People who are obsessed like this often won't take no for an answer - and you have to find a way to get out of their control.  They do not deserve your consideration in the least.  And that includes family members who have been abusive.

In the end you need to take care of yourself - not because you are the only one who will (although sadly that is sometimes the case) but because you know what is best for you.

You deserved it - Raffi deserves it.  We all do.  The degree to which you are passive in the face of this sort of thing gives them control.  It is not however your fault, because people who are involved in this sort of abuse often make us feel that we cannot do anything without them - and that we cannot get away from them.

It's in your own interest to do whatever you can (within the law, of course) to get out of their control.  Think of yourself as being in a similar sort of situation to an abused spouse - because there isn't a whole lot of difference.  Do whatever you can to take care of yourself.

[jnov]

michael, that was a great post.  and you are so right to talk about the anger, and about the power of anger directed at the right person to be healing.

we have a right to be angry at the person who abused us, whomever that is.  they deserve our anger and we deserve to be angry.  how you funnel that anger into action is another step, but debbie, you figured this step out beautifully.  it would never have occurred to me to keep the original phone number but just leave it "untapped."  that is brilliant!!  talk about taking your power back!   

raffi, remember what michael said.  every day is a victory, every time you go to counseling it is a victory, every time you don't answer that phone call from your brother, and don't listen to his message, is a victory.  you deserve these victories.  keep going.

beth

[Miaisland]

Raffi, I want to express my support for you, too.  And Michael, you say many wise things in your post.

I've never posted about this, but I was once the victim of an abusive relationship, although I was a young adult and the relationship was much different than yours.  But the person tried to be totally controlling of my life (and of other people's lives as well).  Words like control, power, intimidation come to mind.  What I had to do to get out of the situation concerned "shattering this control so that he no longer is of any consequence to you," as Michael puts it.  

It involved putting up an emotional curtain between myself and the other person.  I stopped giving him truthful reports of what I was doing in my life, because he would always turn the information around to his own advantage as a way of getting to me (and take pleasure in laughing at me).  I even had to give him false information at times, just to keep him from learning anything else about my life, to make that boundary clearer. I had to overcome some regrets that I could not invite him to some special ceremonies that I was part of, because I knew that would just bring him closer again, and I knew that would have negative consequences.  Eventually, after he called my house and threatened to kill me if I ever hung up on him again (probably saying that just to make himself feel good, probably he wouldn't have done anything, but I had had enough) I decided that that was the last time I would ever talk to him.  

So...I decided that if I never answered his calls, I wouldn't ever have to hang up on him.  I took the words of his threat and turned them around into my own solution.  I got a new second phone number, left the old number connected but with no phone plugged in (so that he wouldn't find out that I had changed my number, because that would have aggravated him for sure), and I just "disappeared" from his life.  Eventually he must have given up, because I've never heard from him again and it's been many years.

Raffi, I know it's much harder to get away from a relative, but if your brother continues to torment you and make fun of you, you may not be able to put the past behind unless you do completely get him out of your life.  And it's within your power to do that, if necessary.  And even if you can't completely avoid him at family functions, keep trying to remember Michael's words and tell yourself how meaningless he is to you, when you see him.  You are better than he is, so don't let him bring you down.

Good luck with all of this, Raffi.  And keep coming here to get whatever support you need.  

Oh (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Debbie ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I didn't know.... So sorry you had to go through this.

How you dealt with it, how you managed to put up boundaries, was so good to hear. Thank you so much for posting this.

Love!

[Miaisland]

Thinking about you very much ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Raffi ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))




Thank you ((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Michael )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

and

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Beth ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

for your posts! Meant more to me than I can express...

[jnov]

i was out to dinner tonight at one of the local hawker stalls (street dining) and we had leftovers.  the leftover container they gave us has jokes and other funny stuff written on it.  and then there was this: 

Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you.  - Jean Paul Sartre

it made me think of everyone here and the freedom we are all striving for.  i liked it.   

[dejavu]

Debbie you were very wise to do this.  People who are obsessed like this often won't take no for an answer - and you have to find a way to get out of their control.  They do not deserve your consideration in the least.  And that includes family members who have been abusive.

Oh (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Debbie ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I didn't know.... So sorry you had to go through this.
How you dealt with it, how you managed to put up boundaries, was so good to hear. Thank you so much for posting this.
Love!

Thanks for your understanding, (((((((((((((Beth))))))))))) and ((((((((((((Mia)))))))))))))

I only talk about it now because I hope it might help Raffi and others in a similar situation.
Good luck!

[rbrtxvct]

Thank you, Michael,Huntin, dejavu, cellar, and all the rest of you.
This has been a rough week-end.   Living by myself is not good sometimes when you have these terrible thots.    Yes, anger is my big problem, and I am trying to deal with it, because I have seen what it does to people.   I am far away from the abuser, so the only way I hear his voice is on the telephone.  The abuse happened when I was 9 or 10, and all these yrs I have been waiting for acknowledgement on his part that what he did was wrong.  Ever since it happened I've had sort of a split personality where sometimes I don't know who or what I am sexually.   Having heard him make fun of me in the presence of others didn't help, especially when you are a child and you have no defensive mechanisms.   You go with what they say about you, that's it.   And to hear my own dad make fun of me several times during my childhood and teen yrs was devastating.   I found myself trying to prove them both wrong.   I married when I shouldn't have, and I have done things that I shouldn't have done, just to prove to the world that I was not what they were saying about me.   I am trying to come to terms with my split personality issues, and one side tells me I am gay, and the other tells me I am str8.   I don't know who or what I am.   This has also led to an addictive relationship, and I have become that person, rather than being me.   I know all this sounds so complicated, but bear with me, plz.   This is not easy to talk about.   So, not being able to be with the person I love b/c society has said no, and I followed what was "expected" of me, has landed me into this state of wanting to end it all, b/c I have no hope in getting anywhere.   I sleep a lot, and it feels good for a few hrs.   I often think, wouldn't it be wonderful to go to sleep and never wake up again?   
Yes, I am very angry at me, the world, the decisions I made to satisfy eerybody else but me, and now I have nothing, nothing, nothing.  I see other people moving on, but I am sutck and have been stuck in this situation, and don't seem to find an answer other than going to sleep for a very long time.   I anger I broke several dishes last Sat.  I smashed them on the sink.   I kept saying, I AM ANGRY!  And then I realized how stupid of me, b/c there was no one else here to pick up the broken dishes! How stupid, right?    Anyway, I made it through Sat. and Sunday.  Let's see if I make it through today.

Thanks for listening, guys!

R

[nagsheadsea412]

RBRT...sorry, don't know the rest....no matter what you said, you sound good and sane.  Anything is possible then....I have a mentally ill brother who is 56...graduated from Penn State. was super smart, but could never handle a job...he lives in a bedsit on meager disability but never complains.....he loves words and writing, doesn't have a car, takes buses....worries about totally mindless things......it's genetic..I counted about 13 people in our family thru the ages who are either bi-polar or depressive...they are the outcasts...yet not alot is done for them...but Hilary Clinton takes over a $500 million dollar check to Gaza for something the Israelis have destroyed...we should become isolationists for a while and take care of our own country's needs.....I sympathize greatly though for your pain...life sometimes isn't easy to get through...but just sometimes there are singular joyous moments

[michaelflanagansf]

rbrt, I wanted to clarify something.  I was not suggesting that you should be angry at yourself.  You should be angry at the person who abused you - he is the person who put you in this situation.  However anger is a volatile emotion by its very nature, so don't be too surprised if in working out your anger you get more broken dishes.  Take a long term perspective on this - in the long run if you feel better a few broken dishes are a small price to pay.  Please try not to be so hard on yourself.

I'm glad to hear you've moved away from your brother.  As far as waiting for acknowledgment of what he did, I'm afraid you will probably have to push that - he's probably not going to say anything about this without confrontation.  I would talk to your therapist and see whether or not that is a good idea or not.

Regarding the abuse it doesn't matter whether or not you consider yourself straight or gay, and I would encourage you not to beat yourself up about this.  There will be time enough for you to think about that after you heal.  No one who is a caring person would push you into any kind of decision about this and I would encourage you to be kind enough to yourself not to push yourself.

I do understand that this is not easy to talk about.  I would encourage you to do whatever you can to be kind to yourself - take yourself out to dinner, go for a walk in a garden, read a book, go see a movie, take a hot bath - do the sorts of things that reinforce for you that life is worth living.  Trust me, it is.

Glad to see you back here.  There are lots of nonjudgmental people who will listen to you here.

[jnov]

raffi,
like michael (sorry michael, i seem to be riding your coat tails these days, hope you don't mind  ), the first thing i noticed in your post was this:

Yes, I am very angry at me, the world, the decisions I made

nowhere in this list are the people you have a right to be angry with - your brother and father.  be angry at them.  not at you.  you have done nothing wrong.

and:

In anger I broke several dishes last Sat.  I smashed them on the sink.   I kept saying, I AM ANGRY!  And then I realized how stupid of me, b/c there was no one else here to pick up the broken dishes! How stupid, right?

no!!  it is NOT stupid.  you are not stupid.  break the damn dishes.  yell, scream, rip a few pillows, do whatever gets the anger out (without hurting yourself or anyone else).  it is not stupid to be angry or to release that anger.  but remember, you are angry at your brother and father because they are the wrongdoers - not you!  you have done nothing wrong - including those decisions you made.  they were not stupid.  they were what they were.

as for:

all these yrs I have been waiting for acknowledgement on his part that what he did was wrong.

he may never give you this acknowledgement.  but that doesn't mean he didn't do anything wrong.  you can acknowledge it for yourself.  tell him what he did wrong.  tell him directly or not.  write him a letter and send it or rip it up.  scream it at him in the privacy of your house or into the wind.  whatever you and your therapist decides is best for you. 

keep working with your therapist.  keep getting out of bed at some point each day. 

you are a good person. 

[dejavu]

as for:

all these yrs I have been waiting for acknowledgement on his part that what he did was wrong.

he may never give you this acknowledgement.  but that doesn't mean he didn't do anything wrong.  you can acknowledge it for yourself.  tell him what he did wrong.  tell him directly or not.  write him a letter and send it or rip it up.  scream it at him in the privacy of your house or into the wind.  whatever you and your therapist decides is best for you. 

keep working with your therapist.  keep getting out of bed at some point each day. 

you are a good person. 

I was thinking much the same this morning, Beth. 

Raffi, I agree that you may never get this acknowledgement, and you may be better off without the confrontation that would be required for you to try to get it.  I didn't realize, when I first tried to answer you, that you no longer see your brother in person.  Maybe, in some way, you are still answering his phone calls or listening to his messages because you are still hoping for him to acknowledge what he did to you? 

If you could find some way to cut off communications completely so that his phone calls could no longer bother you, you would know that there would be no possibility of this acknowledgement, but you might also be able to say, "There!  I'm free of him, and what he does (and did) no longer matters to me at all."  At the same time, maybe you could do as Beth suggests and acknowledge it for yourself, to yourself, to your therapist, screaming or writing or breaking dishes or whatever it takes, until the anger you feel for your brother is no longer eating away at you on the inside and making you feel badly about yourself.

Easier said than done, but keep trying, and reaching out to people who care about you or can help.  Your therapist is really important to you at this point.

[rbrtxvct]

Thank you, Ang, Michael, jnov, and deja:

thank you for caring to write such moving responses.   I feel like I know you guys.   It's good to be able to unload.   Michael, what a beautiful advice!   Thank you, my friend.  I know I shouldn't be angry at me, but I have made some choices in my life that now, looking back on them, cause me to be angry at me.  Long story....
'Been reading a lot about abuse, and the more I read, the more I realize why I am such a mess!    Therapy is helping.  I don't have another meeting until Friday, and I can't wait.  I am taking one day at a time.   Was in bed until 10 this morning.  Depression makes me want to just sleep.   Having to break up a long relationship (longer than you would think) is also hard to deal with.   Not a good thing when you have all these issues.  It's enough to drive you crazy.   As far as my bro is concerned, his power over me has been so overwhelming all these yrs, that is hard to get rid of it, no matter how far he is.  I have to pretend everything is OK when he visits with his family.   If they only knew!   When they leave I am good for nothing.  Yes, I realize he is never going to acknowledge it, and he acts like it never happened.  Well, I know it happened, damn it, and the nightmarish feelings still keep coming back when I least expect it.  But as I said, therapy is going to help, I think, it just takes a long time, as Michael pointed out.  As far as the sexual identity issue, I have decided that I need to stay away from getting in any kind of relationship, be it with a male or female for a long while.   I need to discover who and what I am, and then go with it.   
Guys, thank you for all your words.   Keep giving me hope, of which I have very little nowadays.

Raffi

[jnov]

friday is getting closer.  hang in there. 

time for a group hug!!



 

[rbrtxvct]

Jnov:

Yes, Friday is tomorrow, and THEN the week-end sets in.  It's the time I fear the most.  But, I'm going to therapy tomorrow, so I may get some tips on hw to deal with the alone issue on week-ends.   

Thanks for the hugs!   I haven't had one since I don't remember when.   I sure need one!

Love ya!

Raffi

[rbrtxvct]

Hey, Guys! 

It's me, again.  Can someone suggest a place in this forum for people like me who are trying to deal with sexual identity, not knowing if ur gay or bi, etc.   Also, any support on coming out, etc.

Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Raffi