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Author Topic: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery  (Read 160743 times)

Offline All4one

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #645 on: October 01, 2010, 10:07:26 AM »
My question: where are the good people?
 
For bad behavior to flourish there must be some tacit assent.
You've seen the bumper sticker: Mean People Suck

Well, they really do.  Those who don't actively participate, but fail to confront, or challenge, are bad too.


Le Vase brisé

Le vase où meurt cette verveine
D’un coup d’éventail fut fêlé ;
Le coup dut l’effleurer à peine :
Aucun bruit ne l’a révélé.
 
Mais la légère meurtrissure,
Mordant le cristal chaque jour,
D’une marche invisible et sûre,
En a fait lentement le tour.
 
Son eau fraîche a fui goutte à goutte,
Le suc des fleurs s’est épuisé ;
Personne encore ne s’en doute,
N’y touchez pas, il est brisé.
 
Souvent aussi la main qu’on aime,
Effleurant le cœur, le meurtrit ;
Puis le cœur se fend de lui-même,
La fleur de son amour périt ;
 
Toujours intact aux yeux du monde,
Il sent croître et pleurer tout bas
Sa blessure fine et profonde ;
Il est brisé, n’y touchez pas.


Sully PRUDHOMME
"One's enough"  A.P.

Offline All4one

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #646 on: October 01, 2010, 10:14:54 AM »
Sorry for the interruption. I took a moment to look for a translation to copy. I know the poem is about the hurt from a romantic love, but the hurt - even casually inflicted - and the resulting pain are similar.

The Broken Vase 

The vase where this verbena is dying
was cracked by a blow from a fan.
It must have barely brushed it,
for it made no sound.

But the slight wound,
biting into the crystal day by day,
surely, invisibly crept
slowly all around it.

The clear water leaked out drop by drop.
The flowers' sap was exhausted.
Still no one suspected anything.
Don't touch! It's broken.

Thus often does the hand we love,
barely touching the heart, wound it.
Then the heart cracks by itself
and the flower of its love dies.

Still intact in the eyes of the world,
it feels its wound, narrow and deep,
grow and softly cry.
It's broken. Don't touch!
 
 
"One's enough"  A.P.

Offline dejavu

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #647 on: October 01, 2010, 11:23:31 AM »
The key to recovery is talking about it. I am sure you are right about that. It is not easy, much much harder than I understood before. It is so much to get over before finding courage to really talk. Like the feeling of not being worth to take up space by talking about it, sort of as this wasn't so bad after all and that so many people has been going through so much worse things... And also how strange it all sounds, impossible to understand and too complicated. From the outside the solutions seem to be so easy. It's just to leave or to say this or that...


(((Mia)))

It's really important to talk about these things and find people you feel safe about talking to.  I'm glad you're finding the right path and starting to feel more confident.

All the best to you!   :-*
Jack's from Texas.
Texans don't drink coffee?

Offline Miaisland

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #648 on: October 01, 2010, 01:24:35 PM »
You are such a good friend (((((Debbie)))))

Thank you so much for caring.  :-*
“Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach.” - Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Offline Miaisland

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #649 on: October 01, 2010, 01:29:20 PM »
My question: where are the good people?
 
For bad behavior to flourish there must be some tacit assent.
You've seen the bumper sticker: Mean People Suck

Well, they really do.  Those who don't actively participate, but fail to confront, or challenge, are bad too.


Maybe that is what hurts the most. The people standing by the side, watching, seeing what happens....

Thank you for posting the poem.

It expressed it so well, I think.

“Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach.” - Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Offline Sason

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #650 on: October 01, 2010, 02:32:31 PM »
((( Mia ))), I really hope you'll get the help you need!!

As others have said, it's a good thing you've started talking about it, that's the first step to healing.

Düva pööp is a förce of natüre

Offline Miaisland

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #651 on: October 02, 2010, 08:12:06 AM »
Thank you (((Sonja)))

It will take some time to find out if the support/help will work.

You know...

“Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach.” - Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Offline Miaisland

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #652 on: October 15, 2010, 08:51:21 AM »
Just have to share this....

I mentioned the director/the boss as involved in what happened to me, as a reason and a part in the bullying.

Yesterday the big lokal news in the morning paper was that she got fired- And payed off to leave at once. In the discussions afterwards and also implied in yesterdays and todays articles others have been victimized too.

It's such a relief.

And maybe, maybe I will be able to talk more openly about what happened to me now.

“Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach.” - Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Offline Sandy

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #653 on: October 15, 2010, 12:20:18 PM »
Mia,

That must take a heavy burden off your shoulders. I hope that, at the right time and after the dust settles, you will be able to discuss it more fully with others.

Best wishes,

Sandy

Offline Miaisland

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #654 on: October 16, 2010, 04:13:17 AM »
Thank you Sandy!

I am slowly realizing what a big thing this is for me.

It can really lead to changes.... I believe it can.


“Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach.” - Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Offline jnov

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #655 on: October 18, 2010, 03:39:19 AM »
mia,
very interesting turn of events.  glad she finally got called out on it!

beth

Offline Miaisland

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #656 on: October 18, 2010, 05:05:20 AM »
I really didn't expect this....

It has already opened doors for me start to talk about it. And to begin to understand a little better too.

It is good.
“Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach.” - Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Offline Sara B

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #657 on: October 18, 2010, 05:35:23 AM »
Mia, I meant to respond to this before. It must be a great relief to have this, sort of, validation of your experience.  I so hope it will be a way forward for you - I'm sure it will be.

Offline MaineGirl

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #658 on: October 24, 2010, 02:59:42 PM »
(((((((((((((((((((Mia)))))))))))))))))))))

It has taken me a long time to get here, but I have been wanting to say some things to you here as we have talked about bullying, you and I, and it's so very important for you to talk openly about it.

First, though, to everyone who has posted here my heart goes out to all of you, to anyone who has suffered abuse of any kind from another.  

I want to add to the others here who have responded to you already and who have said so much and said it so well.  My heart goes out to you for having to go through this now.  I can understand how these articles brought all the bullying back to you, and brought into sharp focus once again the aftereffects of that bullying, and brought back the intense feelings associated with those experiences.  The effects of abuse like this, although we might be able to manage on some level to shove them aside for a time and trudge on with our lives, never leave us and only come back again and again if we don't deal with them.  The self-doubting remains and affects our thoughts about other things.

I know you know this already, but I have found this to be true, having experienced workplace abuse and bullying of a sort in my last job.  I finally found a way to leave that job, but not before I had come to wonder whether I actually deserved a better job and wondering also if I could ever be, or had ever been, good enough at what I do to even deserve THAT job, or the new one to which I was going.  Most of all I wondered if I could ever feel valued again as a professional or if I could ever feel that I had something of value to offer my profession.  That is the nature of bullying, it is designed to make you doubt yourself and to give up all your power.  

Luckily I found myself in a great new job with supportive and trusting administrators who valued me professionally and simply believed that I was good at what I do.  I finally started to believe it too.  It went a long way towards healing the wounds from the previous workplace.  However, I am sorry that I never sought professional help in dealing with the emotional affects of the bullying because I find myself back in the position of dealing with (very subtle, but nevertheless just as horrible) workplace bullying once again.  This is why I am writing this story here, because I understand completely how it can all come flooding back.  I see it happening to me now too.

The articles that you wrote about must have given you some validation..  Validated for you that what you experienced was NOT your fault and that you are not alone, that you have never been alone in this.  Although it is easy to feel that way when the bullying is meant to isolate you and succeeds, especially when others see it and don't come to your assistance.  You are not alone, not now.  Please know that.

I am really glad that you have decided to talk here, decided that it is okay to talk about it now, and that you are getting the kind of help that you need.  It's most important that you talk and get help, the first and biggest steps in recovering from something like this.  You need to reclaim your voice, your inner strength, and your power.  I know you can.

Big Hugs for you, Mia, and love, and courage, and strength.

Please, keep talking...  
« Last Edit: October 24, 2010, 03:12:53 PM by MaineGirl »
"It is no accident that we all lie nestled together in the curves of the universe.  We are tugged by the forces of the celestial tides.  Time folds in on itself and outward again in gladness as we spin around, each of us an utter miracle in a sea of tiny white stars."  Jamien E. Morehouse

Offline MaineGirl

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #659 on: October 24, 2010, 03:02:08 PM »
Just have to share this....

I mentioned the director/the boss as involved in what happened to me, as a reason and a part in the bullying.

Yesterday the big lokal news in the morning paper was that she got fired- And payed off to leave at once. In the discussions afterwards and also implied in yesterdays and todays articles others have been victimized too.

It's such a relief.

And maybe, maybe I will be able to talk more openly about what happened to me now.

I know this must be a HUGE relief to you, to know that now her actions are public knowledge.  I do hope that it enables you to talk more openly now about what happened to you.

((((((((((((((((Mia))))))))))))))
« Last Edit: October 24, 2010, 03:13:35 PM by MaineGirl »
"It is no accident that we all lie nestled together in the curves of the universe.  We are tugged by the forces of the celestial tides.  Time folds in on itself and outward again in gladness as we spin around, each of us an utter miracle in a sea of tiny white stars."  Jamien E. Morehouse