so now i've done the "love is the greatest thing" thing. (which by the way i completely believe in. it is my religion.)
but you want to know what really pisses me off?!
all of this. all of this really pisses me off.
all of the cruelty, all the unnecessary hatred, hurtfulness and harm.
i mean, if people don't want kids then don't have kids. that's fine. but if you have kids, DON'T FUCKING HURT THEM.
the world will never be a perfect place. i get that. really i do. accidents will happen. disease will continue. there will always be people with less money, less opportunities, less food on their tables.
but is it really necessary to add INTENTIONAL destruction to the agenda?
i was ranting to a friend of mine about how much i hate intolerant people. and she, because she is a good person, gently told me that by hating intolerant people i was being intolerant. and i said I DON'T CARE.
(and then i said: fine god damn it i'll be tolerant of the god damn intolerant people but i don't have to like them while i do it!)
(i can be so open and loving sometimes.
)
i mean really, i feel the waste of so much amazing potential. just think of what our world could be like today if people would just stop being intentionally cruel to other people. okay, i am even willing to let adults be cruel to other adults. but only if they were all treated well as children!
shouldn't children be protected? children should be loved. all that incredible potential just waiting.
and the friggin pain. it pisses me off. all the pain in little bodies that shouldn't have to feel it, don't know how to deal with it, don't understand why it is happening to them. and most kids (all kids) think it is their fault.
great, now i've managed to depress myself.
ya know, we were having a conversation about jack and how he feels worthless. and someone said yeah but jack was just pissed on by his father, ennis was made to see a horrible murdered body. and i thought: JUST pissed on? what the fuck? feeling worthless is no big deal? feeling like you have no worth as a human being is nothing? feeling like you are damned, literally, and your soul is black and you are going to hell, LITERALLY, is no big deal?
(absolutely NOT throwing bad thoughts toward the person who said this. the way i phrased it above is i am sure NOT what that person meant or was trying to imply. it was my read only because of my particular background.)
when i was a freshman in college i used to walk back to my dorm after class saying out loud (but under my breath, wouldn't want other people to hear) over and over: i don't want to be dead, i just don't want to be this unhappy.
but i figured it was all i deserved.
okay, back to the anger now. so much easier to be angry than depressed. although i do depression a lot better than anger. we women are not supposed to be angry. no, no, be the nice polite little girl. go to church and pray.
i remember the nuns taught us about JOY. we were to always remember it. first Jesus, then Others and Yourself last. its such a great word and such a great emotion and they almost ruined it for me. luckily i took it back from them. now i love joy.
okay, enough ranting for one night.
peace and joy to you all. blessed be.
beth