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Author Topic: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery  (Read 188289 times)

Offline sugarcheryl

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #225 on: January 04, 2007, 10:58:57 AM »
OMG! Beth....your words brought tears to my eyes. I totally agree with you. One thing that was most important to me in my life with my children was I....I was going to be the one to break the cycle of abuse. There was no way I was going to pass that along....nor was I going to pass along the bitterness that I at first felt. I saw a life time of abuse and bitterness and sadness lift from my fathers chest the second he held my baby. The world was no longer the same for him. And for that I am soooo proud of him. I am also beyond proud of him for coming to terms with what he did and apologize to me....to my face. He was not one to say, "nope....that did not happen" He knew of it all and my heart is full for him. Thank you Beth for your kind words.
You boys sure found a way to make the time pass up there. Twist, you guys wasn't gettin' paid to leave the dogs babysittin' the sheep while you stemmed the rose.

Offline jnov

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #226 on: January 04, 2007, 11:29:00 AM »
OMG! Beth....your words brought tears to my eyes. I totally agree with you. One thing that was most important to me in my life with my children was I....I was going to be the one to break the cycle of abuse. There was no way I was going to pass that along....nor was I going to pass along the bitterness that I at first felt. I saw a life time of abuse and bitterness and sadness lift from my fathers chest the second he held my baby. The world was no longer the same for him. And for that I am soooo proud of him. I am also beyond proud of him for coming to terms with what he did and apologize to me....to my face. He was not one to say, "nope....that did not happen" He knew of it all and my heart is full for him. Thank you Beth for your kind words.

first and formost: be proud of yourself.   :)

peace and joy.

Offline Elevation

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #227 on: January 06, 2007, 10:36:15 AM »
Thankyou for your beautiful posts.
yes, ending the cycle of abuse is something to be very proud of, it is really something amazing that will impact positively to generations to come!!

... well, life walks in mysterious ways, I'll say. Sometimes it's hard to understand why we must go through the difficult and painful times. (And I'm not so sure there is a better answer to that than the effects of bad casuse--oftentimes people say everything has a meaning but I don't know for sure about how so many vicious things that happen could be meant to be...)

I for one have spent what should have been my youth and "the best years of my life" in almost full-time total self-denial, as a survival strategy.
What for?
Well, due to this uncontrollable place called the Internet I can't go into all the details here, but due to a series of pivoal rejections and experience of sexual abuse outside the family and some other things I have for many years been driven by a show no mercy self-hate that has made me attempt to erase everything about myself. I guess one could say I have been a living dead for a number of years... until not long before Brokeback came out, that I was really at the very end of my one-way road of self-denial.
I had to make a decision to whether I was going to spend the rest of my life in that dark spot, well-aware that it was doing the wrong thing, or if I would do what would only be the right thing to do; make a very scary turn and go back to the point where I could find my true self again. 
(I'm very sorry for my vagueness.)

Needless to say, Brokeback Mountain had a tremendous part in enabling me to make up my mind and finally, finally grab the chance of going on with life without self-denial and fear as the driving forces.
The film and the BBQ get-together have changed my life, I'll tell you that!

The get-together was both wonderful and painful, as meeting all the great people was amazing! But.. I did actually experience very painful rejection as well from some three persons who I thought really were my friends but who basically stopped talking to me after having met me.
Plus, towards the end of the weekend, I could not stand against my shyness and felt very awkward despite all the lovely people around.
This might sound like shit that just happens, but I was at a place where this affected me really, really bad--the persons who began ignoring me meant a lot to me, and for the rest I blamed myself mercilessly for failing to function even among Brokeback people.
That threw me into depression, because, if I couldn't work among BBM people, then where the heck would I?? 

To not make this post any longer than it already has become, I'll finish by mentioning that the weeks and months following the BBQ, I got some help and finally took the last steps away off from the c(o)urse of self-denial.
And regarding the few persons who changed negatively towards me I can now see that it must be their own problems with whatever caused the sudden death in our contact, and not necessarily me or my problems.

Today, I am beginning to feel so so much better and relieved than I have in many years and I'm forever grateful for that, for BBM and the BBQ as well. 
I am beginning to actually feel very proud about myself so one day I'll be proud enough to quit this vague lingo.

hugs to everyone! now I must post this before I regret and erase
« Last Edit: January 06, 2007, 10:44:43 AM by Elvan »
Well there's a bridge and there's a river that I still must cross...

Offline desertrat

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #228 on: January 06, 2007, 11:45:33 AM »
elvan, thank you for posting this ! may i tell you that you actually are an incredibly courageous person to do that ?
what i will be saying now will sound negative. i'm very sorry that it is like that. i'm on a steep and fast downfall into depression at the moment so bear with me. i hope to be my true happy self soon again.
but among all the praise for this great place, we should be realistic. we shouldn't lie to ourselves and sometimes tell the truth even if it hurts. by baring our soul here, we are making ourselves very vulnerable. we are all humans, humans make mistakes, they hurt and neglect others. the more we open ourselves to others, the more vulnerable we get. what we are writing in here is open to many, many people. they will know about our deepest fears, our traumas and hurt. among those many people, we can not exclude that somebody will be neglectful and hurt us. or will even consciously use the information we give to hurt us. this is a good place, but it is not paradise.
yes, i also have been hurt by people in here. it hurts even more when my protective walls are down. i don't let them down usually. i guess people perceive me as very open, but usually i hide behind a big smile. i had times when i doubted, when i cursed myself because of my openess, telling myself that i should have known, that i deserve punishment for my stupidity. but then i look at the wonderful friends i made here (guys and girls - you know that i mean YOU !  ;)) and i know that the good outweights the bad.

elvan, i'm very sorry that you have been hurt. i hope you also found enough good friends to outweigh all the negative. for the rest - let's be patient and understanding. we can't ask from anybody to be superhuman. i guess we hurt others often enough without knowing or intending so. i hope people will be able to tell me when i hurt them. i want to learn and grow, and i never want to hurt anybody.

thanks again for being so courageous and posting this. i guess i'm too much of a coward to start it but you gave me the chance to add my 2 cents. thank you for that !
Minds are like parachutes... they both work better when opened.

Offline conny

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #229 on: January 06, 2007, 12:58:48 PM »
elvan,hon,i know how much this must have costed you,and am so proud of you!!!!
you are on the way to recovary,just take it one step at a time,and eventually you get there.keep the faith friend  :-*

there will always be people around us who do things that we never expected them to do,and yes while being vulnarable that hurts the most.But you also are no quitter,and you know what: it`s their loss.You did your best and are a loving and kind person just the way you are,and don`t ever forget that!!
"we are one,but we are not the same"   U2

Offline BrokenOkie

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #230 on: January 06, 2007, 01:21:45 PM »
(((Elvan))) thanks for sharing everything that you did.  It took a lot of courage to click the 'post' button, I know.  The more we open ourselves to other people, the more risk we take.  But by doing so, we have the opportunity to grow, move on and look forward.  It was a joy to meet you at the BBQ.  I just wish there had been more time for one-on-one visiting.  Next time for sure!

Offline CellarDweller115

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #231 on: January 06, 2007, 01:30:17 PM »
Elvan, thank you for joining us on this thread, and sharing your story.

Meeting you at the bbq was a pleasure.  We didn't get much time one on one time together, but I do remember talking to you in Auntie's kitchen for a little while.

I am proud of you for clicking that post button!  Congratulations!

Offline bbmbliss

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #232 on: January 06, 2007, 02:06:40 PM »
My sweet friend Elvan.  I am so proud of you for posting this.  I know how hard it is for you to reveal such painful things. 

Your strength and courage, as always, are an inspiration to me.  (((((E)))))  :-*
I know why the caged bird sings.  The caged bird sings of freedom. - Maya Angelou

Offline Elevation

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #233 on: January 06, 2007, 05:43:37 PM »
(((Desertrat/M)))) I'm sorry to read you're feeling really down now and I hope the tide will turn before long! Thankyou so so much for your response to my post, it is wonderful if you felt inspired to post thanks to it.
I think I can understand how you feel about your situation. You write many wise things, so please keep doing that and let those walls stay down, friend.

And (((Conny, B-O, C-D15 and bliss)))) and people who've pm:d me, thankyou all so very much for your kind words!!
Yes, courageous posting sure does work wonders in the recovery process! I'm so grateful that I have had the chance to meet you, and I too wish and plan to see you all again, for sure yes indeed!
 The brokeback love, pride and friendship I can feel from you all makes me smile inside.  :-* :-*



PS: I also want to underline re m post that the people I've lost contact with know who they are, so please everyone else don't worry if we haven't talked in a while. That's just the way things go with busy real lives and we'll talk again. (:
Well there's a bridge and there's a river that I still must cross...

Offline paintedshoes

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #234 on: January 06, 2007, 06:32:34 PM »
Oh, Elvan, my very dear one...I know the courage it takes to push that "post" button, and I am grateful that you found the strength to do so.  Living with feelings of rejection, especially from people one has come to care about, can be devastating.  I know that, first hand.  But, I see that you have also come to some kind of peace with it, and for that, you are blessed.  Please know, dear heart, that I am awed by the courage you have displayed, but more importantly, by the friendship you have bestowed on me.  I'm so glad that this world has become small enough that we found each other.  Bless you, friend...and when, and if, you are ready to share more, we are here to listen and help you bear your burden.
"Miracles do happen, dear friend(s).  Miracles are real."- Boris 
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Offline jnov

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #235 on: January 06, 2007, 10:03:46 PM »
hi elvan.  the vagueness of your post is your right.  don't apologize for it.

i also congratulate you for your courage to post.  it is courageous to purposely open yourself to others.  as you have expereinced and stated, there is no guarantee that your openness will be met with love and caring.

as desertrat said, this forum has many great people in it but we are all human. it can be easy to be loving and caring and say the right words in cyperspace.  but in real life, out there in the real world, when we all interact as immediate, full humans, things can get messy!

when we open ourselves to love, we also open ourselves up to pain.  but, as you intimated, to stayed closed to love and caring, to try to eliminate pain in our lives, we cease to live.  and i have found that it is only by opening ourselves up, by risking the pain can we find the love that ultimately heals the pain.  it is a risky road to take but one worth taking.

for me, any time i open my hand and heart to another and it gets slapped down, i know that at least i was open.  and when my life is coming to an end i will never regret that openness.   

and i think you will find that more often than not, your hand and heart will not be slapped down but will be cherished and loved in return.  at least i hope and pray that it will.  for you and for me and for everyone else who takes the risk.

thanks for posting.

Offline desertrat

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #236 on: January 07, 2007, 01:38:59 AM »
jnov, that was very beautifully said...you indeed encouraged me to go on reaching out even if i don't get a friendly response ! i hope your experiences here in the forum will be nothing but positive. this IS a friendly bunch here after all ;)

elvan, thank you for your kind words. as i said, you helped me to get something off my chest that is bugging me for quite a while now. but this shouldn't be about me here, it should be about you. i hope posting your thoughts and feelings helped. rejection can hurt. but i guess you can see now that it had NOTHING to do with you not being able to function socially. it was just bad luck. sometimes those people we like the most just don't "click" with us. but then others appear and they are like a long-lost brother and sister. i hope you've found and you'll continue finding lots of brothers and sisters in here.  :)
Minds are like parachutes... they both work better when opened.

Offline jnov

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #237 on: January 07, 2007, 02:48:48 AM »
a friendly bunch indeed! 

 :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Offline Elevation

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #238 on: January 07, 2007, 12:23:38 PM »
Jackie, my dear friend, I want to express m gratitude for your sweet response! More to come...  :-*

jnov, thankyou for a very fine post! You're so right about the dynamics of reaching out; my post is generating love in return that I could not have dreamt of 24 hours ago!

Well there's a bridge and there's a river that I still must cross...

Offline paintedshoes

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Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #239 on: January 07, 2007, 07:55:33 PM »
Jackie, my dear friend, I want to express m gratitude for your sweet response! More to come...  :-*

jnov, thankyou for a very fine post! You're so right about the dynamics of reaching out; my post is generating love in return that I could not have dreamt of 24 hours ago!


Elvan, we have all learned the dynamics of reaching out...and what a blessing it is, my friend.  And a Miracle, with a capital "M".  I so love you, and all of the friends that WE have been fortunate to make here, dear one.  I LOVE this place, our home. 
"Miracles do happen, dear friend(s).  Miracles are real."- Boris 
"There are only two things we know: the cosmos exists and we are imbedded within the cosmos.  Everything else is speculation and discovery."- Caithness's dad
Ing's space:Ingyllenhaal+Ingstier+Ing-Myster+Ingwer+IngCannesBabe+darlING