The Ultimate Brokeback Forum

Author Topic: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery  (Read 188287 times)

Offline Brokeback_1

  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 5671
Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #375 on: June 03, 2007, 03:36:21 AM »
jnov send me a PM. OK?

Marc I will try to call you tomorrow evening at Malcolm's
There was some open space between what he knew and what he tried to believe but nothing could be done about it, & if you can't fix it, you've got to stand it

Offline jnov

  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 4550
Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #376 on: June 03, 2007, 03:44:17 AM »
the whole karma thing - its one big mystery.

so when i say something like that and people ask me: do you believe in it? i usually respond by saying: i don't not believe in it because who knows.

but i don't use it as an excuse.  just one way out of many to sometimes try to make sense out of it all.


Offline jnov

  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 4550
Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #377 on: June 03, 2007, 03:46:48 AM »
jnov, i hope you won't feel offended when i tell you to NEVER believe that it is bad karma that keeps you from being happy. because believing that brings you into a trap - you just settle with what you have, believe you can't change it. and that it plainly wrong. i'm sure you're perfectly capable of falling in love - it just hasn't happened yet. never stop hoping and waiting - it certainly will happen some day. think of jack - "well, i won't."  ;)

and martina, thanks for the thoughts, and not to be rude, but there is no certainty that it will happen one day.  there is in fact a very good chance that it will never happen.  life is like that sometimes.

maybe that is why this movie effected me so much.

Offline desertrat

  • Sunflower
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 21916
  • No angel ;-)
Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #378 on: June 03, 2007, 04:14:30 AM »
of course there are never guarantees in life....there you are right. BUT - think about what you want in a partner...is that SO unrealistic that it is IMPOSSIBLE that you'll ever meet a person you could love ? OR - maybe you fell in love already but didn't realize it because you don't "allow" yourself falling in love ?

i think most of the time we ourselves are in our own way when it is about happiness...we all have to get to a point where we love ourselves enough to allow ourselves to be happy.

(wow, that was a tough one  ;))
Minds are like parachutes... they both work better when opened.

Offline Brokeback_1

  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 5671
Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #379 on: June 03, 2007, 05:02:32 AM »
of course there are never guarantees in life....there you are right. BUT - think about what you want in a partner...is that SO unrealistic that it is IMPOSSIBLE that you'll ever meet a person you could love ? OR - maybe you fell in love already but didn't realize it because you don't "allow" yourself falling in love ?

i think most of the time we ourselves are in our own way when it is about happiness...we all have to get to a point where we love ourselves enough to allow ourselves to be happy.

(wow, that was a tough one  ;))
a tough one and a hard one. Especially because we are all similiar to onions in that there are layers and layers to peel....new emotional situations, new work situations, new friendship situations, all give the aftereffects of our abuse new outlets. You think you are done with it and all of a sudden---KABOOM, it has shown up in a new and bizarre way. It gets exhausting.

I decided I am going into therapy again. Why? I felt so inadequate that yesterday I was snippy all day with my wife. WLAGuy walked and talked me through it all, step by step, with absolute logic. I realised I was snippy because I didn't feel good enough  about myself. The bbq emotions brought all this out...and after speaking with Joe, I sat down and apologised to her, told her I'd figured out that I was pushing her away all day, refusing to kiss her because I felt I wasn't good enough to kiss my own wife. In other words she deserved someone better then me, good enough to kiss her.
We had a long talk. She was completely shocked. And completely supportive. Jesus, I asked her if she really wanted to be married to somebody with so much baggage and she almost choked, asked me how could I doubt it...I don't doubt it. I love her crazy. But I also don't feel good/ worthy enough. It is quite nutty.

Well at least I'll deal with it. I was in therapy for abuse years ago; I had an excellent therapist with whom I did a good and very focused job, too.

But this is a new situation, a marriage, a bed, a life partnership. The aftereffects found themselves a new way and a new place to show up.  Not for nothing I cannot accept these particular aftereffects, hence the therapy. I should have known something was up---a new something--when I had such abyssmal reactions internally to praise about stories i've written. Same thing--new situation, new outlet for the damage to my personality to pop up; in this case, let's give it a caeserian and yank the thing out FAST. I love this woman far too much to feel like I cheat her when i kiss her, that she deserves better, that I'm not good enough. It is completely unfair to both of us. I deserve her. I'm not going to allow the residue of 40 year old  abuse make me feel 'not good enough' because I AM good enough.

My best friend--well best MALE friend, my wife is my best friend----I called him earlier, and he said to do something immediately; it surprised me that we both had the same reaction to this discovery, namely do not allow it to grow, abort it immediately and have a pro guide the recovery. I love my wife too much for this crap.
« Last Edit: June 03, 2007, 05:23:51 AM by brokeback_1 »
There was some open space between what he knew and what he tried to believe but nothing could be done about it, & if you can't fix it, you've got to stand it

Offline jnov

  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 4550
Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #380 on: June 03, 2007, 08:12:37 AM »
ya'know jack, you are right, and a good reminder to me too.  life cycles around and issues that were once "dealt with" come around as we move through new or different phases of our lives.
thanks for the reminder.

Offline jnov

  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 4550
Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #381 on: June 03, 2007, 08:14:31 AM »
martina, i understand what you are saying.   :)

i haven't given up hope.

Offline desertrat

  • Sunflower
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 21916
  • No angel ;-)
Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #382 on: June 03, 2007, 08:28:05 AM »
martina, i understand what you are saying.   :)

i haven't given up hope.

that's good ! i dont kow you personally, but from what i've met you aroudn this place, you're a wonderful, lovely woman - and i would love to see you happy.  :-* :-*
Minds are like parachutes... they both work better when opened.

Offline desertrat

  • Sunflower
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 21916
  • No angel ;-)
Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #383 on: June 03, 2007, 08:31:47 AM »
jack, that is a very wise decision ! right now, nothing is lost, nothing is ruined. but if you leave it and don't get help in time, if you feel ike you have to push people you love away - then relationships might get damaged. finding a therapist is the best decision ! (((hugs)))
Minds are like parachutes... they both work better when opened.

Offline TwistsBitch

  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 1669
  • you inspired me
Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #384 on: June 03, 2007, 04:11:01 PM »
...new emotional situations, new work situations, new friendship situations, all give the aftereffects of our abuse new outlets. You think you are done with it and all of a sudden---KABOOM, it has shown up in a new and bizarre way. It gets exhausting....

Ain't that the truth.  I will be trying for a baby sometime soon & that's opened a whole new can of worms.  I will attempt to gather my thoughts on that some time & post them as they are driving me crazy & it might just give me a few moments of peace to get them out of my head in some fashion.

(((hugs))) to everyone dealing with all this crap too.  Hang in there guys & gals :)
Welcome to Hotel Brokeback! You can check out any time you like but you can never leave

I rip my heart open / I sew myself shut / My weakness is / That I care too much / My scars remind me / That my past is real / I rip my heart open / Just to feel  Nietzsche

Offline Amiennis

  • Little Lamb
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 5576
  • We'll see...
Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #385 on: September 08, 2007, 06:32:43 PM »
This place has been quiet for a while...

Today, I have felt like the past was overwhelming me again, as if I was/am never going to escape its claws - not unlike what Jack described before.
Just when I think things are taking a turn for the better, it raises its ugly head again.
Will I ever be able to really trust anyone again? To get rid of that paralysing fear that in the end, people will ... me anyway, no matter what they may do or say now.

Ever, ever...?
« Last Edit: September 09, 2007, 10:09:29 AM by Amiennis »
"You got no fuckin idea how bad it gets"

Ms Jiminy's Travel Kit/d
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-GtMDLlGRI

Ms Jiminy FOREVER

Offline paintedshoes

  • Movie Lover
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 26276
  • Well, I won't! "Til the next time, my friends!"
Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #386 on: September 08, 2007, 07:48:02 PM »
Oh, my darling Marc....

I so wish I could embrace you, and let you KNOW that you are not alone, that you CAN trust, my dear friend, you CAN.

Always, my darling, always.
"Miracles do happen, dear friend(s).  Miracles are real."- Boris 
"There are only two things we know: the cosmos exists and we are imbedded within the cosmos.  Everything else is speculation and discovery."- Caithness's dad
Ing's space:Ingyllenhaal+Ingstier+Ing-Myster+Ingwer+IngCannesBabe+darlING

Offline Brokeback_1

  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 5671
Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #387 on: September 08, 2007, 09:09:53 PM »
Marc, love ya dude!

http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=22865.msg998560#msg998560

Huntingbuddy posted that in the SF thread---I was stunned. I keep thinking it was 30 or so years ago I got molested so badly and no it wasn't, it was the summer of  1967!!!

40 freakin years ago!! And this has been the most stressed out summer since that one. Radiation poisoning, Katrina sick, the house a shambles....

Anniversary's suck
There was some open space between what he knew and what he tried to believe but nothing could be done about it, & if you can't fix it, you've got to stand it

Offline paintedshoes

  • Movie Lover
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 26276
  • Well, I won't! "Til the next time, my friends!"
Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #388 on: September 08, 2007, 09:13:34 PM »
Marc, love ya dude!

http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=22865.msg998560#msg998560

Huntingbuddy posted that in the SF thread---I was stunned. I keep thinking it was 30 or so years ago I got molested so badly and no it wasn't, it was the summer of  1967!!!

40 freakin years ago!! And this has been the most stressed out summer since that one. Radiation poisoning, Katrina sick, the house a shambles....

Anniversary's suck

But...............

Anniversaries also require acceptance, Jack.  Something I have learned.  One must deal with or die.  I chose to live. So have you, my friend, so have you.
"Miracles do happen, dear friend(s).  Miracles are real."- Boris 
"There are only two things we know: the cosmos exists and we are imbedded within the cosmos.  Everything else is speculation and discovery."- Caithness's dad
Ing's space:Ingyllenhaal+Ingstier+Ing-Myster+Ingwer+IngCannesBabe+darlING

Offline conny

  • seagirl
  • Obsessed
  • *****
  • Posts: 16511
    • forthejoyoflife
Re: Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery
« Reply #389 on: September 09, 2007, 12:29:01 AM »
In general having been abused seems to have ruined the ability to be angry.  I am almost envious of people that can be angry & get it out of their system & find the idea of anger management courses in the traditional sense to be quite absurd.  Any anger aroused in me is always turned inwards.

this is a bit of a late reaction to this,but i hadn`t been here in a while(bit of a time out),sorry!

oh wow,i so recognize this,but i`ve never asked myself if that was cause of the abuse,i always thought it was just part of me and part of the way i grew up with a dominating mom. But indeed i almost never get angry,oh i do but i dont express it,most of the time it stayes inside of me.i hate fighting, wheater its for physical or with words, and i still can`t handle it,i shut down or i walk away.
just recently i started sort of therapy to work on this
"we are one,but we are not the same"   U2