Saturday, December 29, 2007
Brokeback_1 talking to Annie Proulx at book signing in Casper, WY, fall of 2006 |
I'm from Brooklyn, NY, eldest of 2 sets of sons born 10 years apart to loving, close parents--a musically talented Italian mother and very funny Irish father. They sent me to Catholic schools. I had the most remarkably sheltered urban upbringing concievable, in many ways so sheltered it made me incapable of coping with a bad reality. On the other hand it gave an untouchable core, inviolable no matter what.
In grammer school I was branded as 'trouble', continually in hot water. Just turned 12 and entering puberty and sheltered, curious little Johnny ended up very badly sexually abused by strangers. The manipulation was awesome. After I rebelled and it ended, I had total distrust for men not related to me. I went to great lengths to hide it.
I had 'sort of known' I wasn't straight but also knew I wasn't gay, insofar as hazy concepts mean anything to a child. It didn't matter until I was molested, when my sheltered life shifted off its foundations. Adolescence was exceptionally screwy and nobody knew what the problem was.
At 15, to our mutual horror, my mother found the notebook in which I'd written down what happened to me; that resilient woman almost had a nervous breakdown. I was clueless, discovered alcohol, drank a LOT and hung with a small mixed group of wildly social loners who were gay, straight and bi.
Not one of us trusted gay adults, who were seemingly always trying to take our pants off. We understood each other, read books, plotted revolutions, jumped out of windows, designed what we hoped was a workable water desalinisation and importation system to rehydrate the acquifers of the Sahara via Mediterranean sources; the usual things. And we hung out and drank. We were baffled at other people's rules and made our own, which at least worked.
At college I took the party concept to a higher level; my friends were jocks and science majors while I went for history and actually ended up one of the in-crowd for the first time in my life. Yet when I fell in love, I never asked her out and settled for friendship: didn't think I was good enough.
The partying became spirit killing so I went to a 12 step program and met a remarkable bunch of older men. Without them and that sober base, nothing else would be possible, even today.
I'd found passionate adult interests in arboriculture and horticulture and have gone to some good schools, managed to intern at 3 gardens in the US and Europe. Yet being alone, it seemed pointless. Loneliness is a real killer.
What I did well was the most important of all, dwarfing everything else: being 'the father' for the son of the girl I'd fallen for in school. After her husband walked, she took a deep breath and asked me to be his de facto father. I said 'OK'. To this day I'm baffled at the way she was taken aback. She said wait, this is for life, we have to talk about it, this is serious! I said Why? I know what it means to be a father. SOMEBODY has to do it! It never entered my head to say no.
This August I took him out to a sports bar and asked if he would let me adopt him. I was pretty scared, afraid he'd say no. He said Yes before the words were out of my mouth and to know I did one very important thing RIGHT humbles me. My son is a great joy.
I am a one-person guy who's been in love twice, once with a man, once with a woman. That male relationship was a once in a life time bond which became impossible for various reasons; afterwards, I had never had sex with another guy. Who wants second best, or to settle?
The Female relationship was different in that we'd never actually gone out! Yes, I was very much in love, smitten as a teenager. But....I'd never felt good enough for her. We'd even raised a son lololol, BUT...
Then I saw
Brokeback Mountain. I left the theater asking what the hell I was waiting for and within days called the two people I loved most, to see what was there... in the process ending up here.
Result?
The girl I wasn't good enough for married me this January, while the man is my best male bud.
Brokeback did that for me.
Are you a morning person or night-owl, peace-maker or comfortable with confrontation, more of a sun-bather or rock-climber, life-of-the-party or desiring a quiet cup of coffee with a few friends?I'm a peacemaker who can make trouble. A true night owl. I'm not NOT comfortable with confrontation until I actually do it. I'd rather sun bathe then climb a rock: who cares about the top of a rock, it's a damned ROCK.
I dislike large parties. At a small party hopefully I can hold my own, and at large ones I tend to stick with a small group. And I like to just hang out. Like many New Yorkers, I've made hanging out into an art.
What's the strangest food/food combination that you've ever eaten?Yarak, in Kurdistan. But I didn't eat it. It's chopped up sheep penis and rice, stuffed in the disembodied skin of the, uh, sheep's genitalia. It even had decorative greens to simulate pubic hair. I said no thank you and did not give a damned. NONONO, Jack was not eating a sheep's pecker! Otherwise... Did I mention the
Lovesick Diet Thread?What famous quote has inspired you?1)--When I was a kid my hero was General DeGaulle. I liked the majesty with which he said that gallic "Non" to LBJ. The General awed me, and so did his 'NON'.
2)--"How can one govern a nation which has 256 varieties of cheese?" A Gaullist statement which has come in handy...
3)--The tag of Euripides's
The Bacchae, to me a prayer: The Gods wear many faces
and many fates fulfill to work their will. In vain man's expectation. God brings the unthought to be as here we see.
And the closing line of
Brokeback, my forum signature.
Currently listening to?Head Over Heels by Tears For Fears, and ever since it snowed,
The Emperor Waltz.What is the greatest gift that you have received? Why?To not drink, to be able to stop drinking. Without it, I would have no life. None.
Currently reading?Something a writer friend [whom I met through BB] hasn't yet published, a fact which blows me away on all fronts. And Professor J.S.Bury's
History of the Later Roman Empire: From the Death of Theodosios to the Reign of Justinian. Rereading it actually, it's wonderful, magisterial. I'm going through my plant books too.
Biggest challenge?Understanding and appreciating reality. AND to finish what I start. Like planting 6,000 bulbs this fall. Or completing a short story. Or being a husband.
Your perfect day?Well there are two. One up north in Wyoming, not a soul, not a building as far as the eye can see for 40-50 miles. That particular love does NOT get old. But it's the sad and wrinkled knowing terrain, the desolation of the High Plains, not the mountains. I'm not so big on mountains. They are beautiful, inimical, exalt and crush. A nice backdrop....From the moment the border was first crossed, Wyoming has been 'going home', MY place. My son just said he intends to scatter some of my ashes up there when I drop dead.[lol]
The other is in New York City, where I would hang out with my wife and relatives, then go into in Manhattan. Hook up with my friends and hang out until dawn with some of the funniest people alive in either the Village or the Theater District.
Brokeback managed to give me back New York. I'm very proud of the city, it's incomparable and MINE.
What's your indulgence?DCF & Bettermost. And good bread, with good cheese.
If you could take a class on something that interests you, what would it be and why?I'd like to learn Latin and have a discussion with Caeser, but since he's dead I'll settle for someone in the Roman Curia who remembers his Latin. And a good class on how to express emotions in writing through indirect allusion. When I try, it seems clumsy, although my mentor says it's good. Being too impatient to research 'How To Write' made it more difficult, like starting from the finish line. Last year, with no class looming, I got some cojones and asked a very good writer questions which surprised and interested; they took the time to guide.
First job?I delivered meat for an Italian butcher on my bicycle. I was 12-13 and a young idiot but it was a cool job. I'm serious, everybody from kids slightly older to housewives tried to seduce me. It was very interesting. I was fired, too, the owner got nervous, LOL. I ran into someone from back then the last time I was in Brooklyn, he said ever since he had seen
Donnie Darko, when he thought of Donnie 'your face popped into my head. You had this... this something. Even my mother said it.' I was a pretty wierd kid.
What was your most embarrassing experience or the strangest situation that you found yourself in?There were so many I can't even start. But... a cast party, age 19, is way up there. We all ended up naked riding our bikes to buy more beer at 3 AM.
If you were able to re-do something in your life and do it differently, what would it be and why?One lovely day in June of 1967 I would have not stepped out of my house, nor would I have gotten onto my bicycle. I would have never left the backyard. Hell I'd have claimed sick and never gotten out of bed. Why? My life would have been completely different.
Other than BBM, what movie has impacted you the most? Why?Sleepers. NOT by Woody Allen. The one with Brad Pitt, Kevin Bacon, Jason Patric. Why? - It fit.
What is the best piece of advice that you've ever received?Shut up.
If you could ask God one question, what would it be?How come what is basic and easy for damned near every other guy alive - gay, straight, bi or tri, leaves me so baffled while things that baffle everyone else come so easily to ME? And WHY? What the hell am I supposed to learn from all this?
Other than your parents, who has had the greatest influence on your life?Today, I'd say my wife and best male friend influence me... While Juniour has me wrapped around his finger.
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the
Pearly Gates?Stick around for a while. When you get your bearings go back and do it again.
What's one thing that you just can't stand, so you're trying to help fix it?Injustice.
What's your inspiration?My wife first. Yeah definately first. She supports and loves me unconditionally, I couldn't even try without her gently prodding my ass. My mother and aunt, lol, who not so gently prod my ass. The High Plains of Wyoming. New York City. Annie Proulx. And an Op-Ed/TDS writer
in Dallas who saw
BBM and decided she would make a place for herself, by being herself.
What do you know for sure?For a smart guy I can be a real jackass.
What brought you to the Forum?I had a real need to find why
BBM had torn my guts open. And a need to put them back together.
What do you appreciate the most about this site, what is the most important thing that you have learned as a result of being here?I appreciate the many fine, fine people I've met. I appreciate the platform it gives us to bounce ideas, work things out.
What I've learned is to shut up. The conflicts are essentially meaningless. Delusional people cannot be awakened. When the roof collapses, it collapses.
Are you more like Jack or Ennis? Why?Depends upon the situation, but I identify with Jack Twist much more then Ennis, while in many ways being Ennis. If JACK'S black Cowboy Hat ever comes on the market I will get myself into financial trouble.
Your favorite threads?Gay & Christian in the World Today, Travels With Alexander the Great, Surviving Abuse,
TDS, ALL the
scene-by-scene and
Elements and Themes threads which my DCF crew hang on. The analysis threads are a continuing source of fascination. Some fantastic people post there. And yes, we DO over-analyse too much, sometimes Picea pungens is actually Picea pungens. All we need is an occasional Proulxian tidbit and 50 pages result.
How many times have you watched BBM?16 viewings in a theater, of which #1 was with mom. I LOVED the 10PM and Midnight shows. Perhaps 10 times start to finish on the dvd, the last time I saw
BBM title to credits was in Sept. with WLAGuy in LA. I've watched various scenes many, many times.
Who is the one person that you would most want to see BBM and why?I'd like to sit down and watch
BBM from title to credits with my son.
Your favorite BBM scene?Making camp...WaterWalkin Jesus...tent ain't raght...the DE...Jack's 8 seconds....Jack hooking up with Lureen...Thanksgiving in Childress...the shirts...Ennis looking away after asking Juniour if Kurt loves her. That one kills me.
What was your take-away message from BBM? What affected you the most?I left the theater with one thought regarding ME: "What the hell are you waiting for, one of you to drop dead? " ....which is pretty self explanatory. In retrospect I think the 'outsider and misfit' status of both characters grabbed me, ripped my heart open. I've always had to make my place. My wife says I have never seen a box unless I stuffed myself into one. The fastest way for me to stuff myself into a trailor is to start drinking again. When I drink the world becomes 4 bare walls. I've been in a 12 step program for a long time now and that is the base which gives me myself.
Brokeback reaffirmed and built on that.
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New Years was first observed in ancient Babylon about 4000 years ago, and round 2000 BC, the new year was celebrated on what is now March 23, the first New Moon (first visible cresent) after the Vernal Equinox.
New years continued to be celebrated in late March, but when Roman emperors continued to manipulate the yearly calendar, causing it to become out of sync with the sun-driven calendar, the Roman senate, in 153 BC, declared January 1 to be the beginning of the new year.
Making of New Year's resolutions also dates back to the early Babylonians where the most popular resolution was to return borrowed farm equipment. Traditionally, luck for the coming year was thought to be affected by what one did or ate on the first day of the year, hence midnight celebrations with family and friends, and special foods, especially those in the shape of a ring, because it symbolizes "coming full circle," completing a year's cycle. This from
NewYears.com
.Most Popular New Year's ResolutionsLose weight Pay off debt Save money Get a better job Get fit Eat right Improve your education Drink less alcohol Quit smoking Reduce stress Spend more time w/ family & friends Get organized Take a trip Volunteer to help others
These from About.comTips for Making Good New Year’s Resolutions1. Be realistic by setting achievable goals.
2. Chose goals that YOU want, not those that you feel like you SHOULD pursue.
3. Create a PLAN for meeting your goal, in order for your resolution to have resolve.
4. Create your plan right away - harness your motivation.
5. Break down large goals into smaller specific ones, for example “I want to loss 15 pounds by April 1st,” or "I want to call my Mother two days per week."
6. Write down your resolution and plan, don't just think about it.
7. Think "Year Round," - Nothing big gets accomplished in one day. Resolutions are set in one day, but accomplished with a hundred tiny steps that happen throughout the year. New Year's resolutions should be nothing more than a starting point.
8. Plan alternatives to a behavior that you want to change, and make this part of your resolution plan. If you want to quit smoking but you smoke to relax yourself? What else can you do to relax?
9. Remain Flexible - recognize partial successes at every step along the way. Give yourself some latitude, don't demand perfection.
10. Acknowledge the incremental successes as they come. The goals are accomplished in many small increments along the way.
These recommendations are from
Mygoals.com.Visit the New Year's Resolutions Thread and tell us about yours!Where are the Gay Bars Going?
There has been a steady decline in the number of gay bars over the past two decades, a trend that reduces public social places for gay men to call their own. Traditionally these establishments were places where gay men could hang out, meet each other, and just enjoy a night on the town; also they served as a safe haven where closeted gay men could fully be themselves. More recently though, once popular places like Buddies in Boston, Spike and Pegasus in New York, and the oldest gay bar in Pittsburgh, where Queer as Folk was filmed, have all closed, reports Robert David Sullivan of
The Boston Globe.These local watering holes have represented a welcoming atmosphere for younger gay men to socialize, meet others, and find out more about how they fit into the world as gay men. Over the years, the role of the gay bar has evolved from inconspicuous and unmarked locals to established urban clubs, many offering space for organizing events such as social groups, political activities, and Pride Day parades.
However, more recently, the landscape of our cities has been changing, and these changes are affecting public gathering places like book stores, diners, and shopping venues. The reasons for these changes include growing real estate costs as cites re-vitalize, and urban sprawl, with the greatest factor influencing these changes thought to be the Internet, which is often replacing public gathering spaces as the place to go - be it to shop or as a place for men to meet other men. Weekday evenings now find more men chatting online and fewer frequently the local clubs, with some nation online communities numbering in the hundreds of thousands. Let us know if you see changes in your city - fewer public places to gather? Are you spending more time online and less going out - to the bar, shopping, to the coffee shop? You can find the full story at
Boston.comOnline Dating - Gay Friendly?Douglas Quenqua of
The New York Times reports that Online dating service
Chemistry.com is about to embark on a new campaign that paints their main competator,
eHarmony.com as "out of touch with mainstream America for refusing to match people of the same gender and for the evangelical Christian beliefs of its founder, Dr. Neil Clark Warren."
In April, Chemistry.com ran a set of ads with a similar theme called “Rejected by eHarmony” featuring people who were turned away for being gay, not happy enough or simply unmatchable by its system. Since this campaign, Chemistry.com has experienced an 80 percent growth rate, with enrollments by gays and lesbians having risen 200 percent; 10 percent of Chemistry.com’s members are seeking a same-sex match.
Both of these online dating services use an in-depth personality test to generate potential matches. Ms. Petrie of eHarmony said that the company has no position on premarital sex and has no affiliation with any religion, and does not offer services to gays or lesbians, because, “EHarmony’s matching system is based on psychological data collected from heterosexual married couples, and we have not offered a service for those seeking same-sex matches. Nothing precludes us from offering a same-sex service in the future, but it’s not a service we offer now.”
Online matchmaking businesses generate nearly $650 million a year in sales.
Music 2007 - Highs and LowsSantaolalla Featured on iTunesiTunes celebrates the man behind the label with a career retrospective on Santaolalla which includes work from
Babel, Brokeback Mountain, and
Amores Perros. A box set
Gustavo Santaolalla Presenta: 10 anos de Surco is an exclusive collection of 62 songs by surco artists.
Bands to “watch out for” Love God’s Way Ministry, devoted to anti-gay propaganda has released a list of artists that parents should watch out for, noting “One of the most dangerous ways homosexuality invades family life is through popular music.” Here are just a few of the artists on their list:
·Ted Nugent (loincloth)
·Lil' Kim
·Frank Sinatra
·Nickleback
·Clay Aiken
·Red Hot Chili Peppers
·The Cure (makeup)
·Spin Doctors
·Britney Spears (kissed Madonna)
·NoFx (gay punk)
·Elton John(really gay)
Songs that MatterSpinners has selected 20 “Protest Songs that Matter,” and at number 18 is Garth Brooks’
We Shall Be Free (1992), a song rebelling against homophobia.
”When one of the most successful country artists -- make that successful artists period -- audaciously sang ‘When we're free to love anyone we choose’ in this gospel-influenced number, many took it as an endorsement of gay rights. Brooks made the connection more explicit at 2000's Equality Rocks, where he was the only straight male to perform."
Forum Post of the DayBeauty Captured - Life through the LensMarch Madness Forum Gathering - Mark Your CalendarsMarch 14th, 15th, and 16th in San Francisco! Visit our
Gatherings Thread for all the scoop.
Quote of the Day:Submitted by Lawgoddess
"The only people to get even with are those who have helped you."
~ Anonymous ~
Photo Caption of the DayFrom
Photo Captioning Fun By
tfmiscCHILDRESS NEW YEAR’S EVE PARTY
Crowd (sings): Should auld acquaintance be forgot…
Lureen (thinks): They should if they were fishin’ buddies.
Jack (thinks): Should? Should? Can’t. There ain’t a day in the year I don’t remember him…
Contributors: Lawgoddess, Trigger Hippie, Daannzzz, Desertrat, Formerlydank,
Connie, KittyHawk, Michaelflanagansf, tfmisc, Tellyouwhat, gnash
Calendar of Events
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