Hello to All,
This is my first time on the Forum. My name is Paula; you may already know who I am. I am Jackie's daughter-in-law, hence my sing-in name of "JackiesDIL". Unlike my sister, who posted yesterday, I've never been one for brevity, and I'm not the greatest wordsmith. So, I'm hoping that you can set aside a little of your time to read and endure what is to follow. I'm not sure exactly what other people have quoted me on, so some of this may seem redundant, but I wanted you to "hear" it straight from me.
I will probably never be able to express how much you all meant to Jackie. And I know that I could never repay the debt of gratitude I owe to all of you. Over the course of the last couple of years, I saw Jackie come alive. Her smile got broader; her eyes got brighter; her spirit got stronger-- all because of you. You gave her unconditional love and acceptance. All of her life, she'd been caring for other people, putting other people before herself. You finally enabled her to do things for herself. You provided her with an opportunity to get to know herself, really get to know herself. You showed her that she was worth loving. She would beam when she spoke about all of you. I've heard so many stories and so many names. I really feel like you're all part of my family, just that we haven't met in person.
A few months ago, before any of us knew that Jackie was sick, she and I were sitting on our front porch, just talking away. I noted that she looked like she was losing weight. She said that she was, and that her diet must have been working. I told her that she didn't need to lose an ounce; she was perfect just as she was. She told me that she knew I felt that way, but that most of her life she felt "invisible". She went on to explain that the typical reaction to her weight, the one she had become too familiar with, was to be ignored, talked around, and treated like she wasn't even there. My heart broke; I was fighting to hold back my tears. I told her, through my eyes-welling-up, sniffling voice, that she could never be invisible; she is beautiful in so many ways-- inside and out. Again, she told me that she knew I felt that way, but until she met all of you, she didn't believe it to be true. She said that she finally felt like she was gorgeous, and that she felt strong, and brave, and that she'd finally become the woman she'd wanted to be. She said that all of you gave her the encouragement to be herself, and by your acceptance, she came to believe that she was beautiful and gorgeous and worthwhile.
You are the best friends she's ever had. You gave her good times, good memories, and good feelings. You made her heart smile. You made the last years of her life, the best of her life. You gave her a peaceful death. She was loving, and she was loved, finally, in the way that she should've always been.
When she first starting coming into the Forum, I was thrilled. I was so happy that she was connecting, really connecting with people. She would go on and on about all of you, about your interests and histories. She loved getting to know all of you. I loved that she was making friends. During the time she took off work, Jackie's attention and time were definitely being split between her Forum friends and her family. It wasn't that she was depriving us. If ever we truly needed her, she would've dropped everything to help (even if her hair were on fire, and both of her legs were chopped off!). We were so accustomed to her not having a social life to work around, that we didn't know how to react. So, I talked about it with my husband, and we decided that we could look at it 2 ways: 1) That we should be upset, because Mom's got a social life now, and we might not be able to dump the kids on her for our "date night", OR 2) We should be happy, because Mom's got a social life now, and she's got friends. She's finally getting out and about, traveling, enjoying her life, and making her dreams come true. We chose to look at things with the latter attitude. And, that is why I reiterate what I said in the beginning of this post-- I owe you all a debt I can never repay. You enveloped someone so dear to me with your kindness and your love. Before she met all of you, she was living her life, going through the motions, not really living up to who she could be. After she met you, she became that woman; she blossomed. You see, you never took her FROM us at all. As it turned out, you gave her TO us.
I'm sure that Nellie has already let you know about our open doors. If you are able to attend the gathering on Saturday, Jan. 26th from 1-5pm, we would love to meet you. It is set to be at Jackie's apt. (I'm sure Joanne posted the address), but if the attendance is going to be large, then we will book a bigger place. If you need a place to stay, you're welcome to stay at our home with us. I know people usually extend these types of invitations in an empty way, kind of like how someone might say, "How ya doin'?" without ever really wanting to hear your actual response. This isn't one of those invitations. Really, we'd be honored to host you, and very fortunate to get to know you in person. There is no limit; the Fire Marshall isn't going to say that we're "beyond capacity". The more, the merrier, just like one big slumber party-- just the way Jackie would have wanted it. I've put Nellie in charge of getting a "head count" for both the "gathering" (for lack of a better term), and for the "sleepover". Please let her know asap if you're coming to either/both, so that we can make arrangements for things to be comfortable and suitable for everyone.
If you're not able to attend, we understand. We know that Jackie is in your hearts. We know that we're in your thoughts and prayers. We also understand that, in the real world, people can't always drop everything to fly across the world, country, state. Airfare's not free; bosses aren't always understanding with time off; children can't be shuffled off to 24-7 daycare; obligations still have to be met. Whether you're here or not, we know that you care, and Jackie does too. No matter what time of the year, whether it be this weekend, or October of 2012, our doors are open to you. Like I wrote earlier, I think of you all as part of my family that I know, I just never met in person. I know Nellie already told you that we know that Jackie would want her ashes to be on Brokeback Mountain. I know that there's been debate over which mountain? When to do it?, etc... Honestly, we figured that we'd ask for you, collectively, to decide which mountain- the movie mountain, or the one in Wyoming. We also know that she wanted so desperately to go to London in June. Nellie said that there is already a plan for some of the group to go to the mountain in late spring/early summer. Since the mountain is surely iced and snowed in right now, and since there's no "expiration date" on Jackie's ashes, I'm sure that she would be thrilled to be there when the already-scheduled trip is to take place. But, she would've been torn over which place to go-- the Mountain or London?? Well, she can go to both. We can have half of the ashes go to the Mountain, and the other half go to London. That way, she won't have to decide, and sacrifice one to attain the other. She can finally be two places at one time. Also, two separate groups of friends (and maybe some doubling-up) can be with her, and have a services for her, without having to travel to the other side of the globe to do so.
Well, I could go on and on, and on... I warned you about my lack of brevity; didn't I? I really do have to get to sleep. I haven't been getting much for the last week, and I don't think that I'll have too much of an opportunity to get much soon. I'd better take advantage of it, while both the kids are still in bed.
Hey, I just thought of something... Did I ever tell you how much you meant to Jackie?
Thank you all, and I hope that I will get to meet you all someday. I'm a virtual hug-machine! Good night to all-- Paula ;-)