This has been an amazing thread to read. I just happened in here today and have been blown away by all of your stories. It is so hard dealing with the loss of someone dear. I know that's one part (just one part, but a significant part) of why BBM affected me so -- the unexpected loss of Jack brought back the losses in my own life.
It's been eight years ago to the week since my father died very unexpectedly of lymphoma, cancer. For one thing, my mother had had more health problems so I would not have been as surprised if she had gotten sick first, and I honestly think my father expected to outlive her. (He talked about coming to visit me for a long time some time in the future, which he couldn't have done while she needed him around the house.) Also, I'd made a pledge to try to get back in touch more with my father and work out some of the difficulties in our relationship, and we were still working on that. It threw me totally into depression when he died so fast, but at least I made two trips out to where he lived to spend part of his last three months with him and my mom. But still, the overwhelming feeling was one of regret. Just like Ennis with the shirts: too little love expressed, and now it was too late.
I'm feeling much better by now, these eight years after, and have been able to step in to take care of my mom the way my dad used to. So that has been a blessing, having that opportunity with her, and the wisdom to know that you have to take the time now, while there still is time left.
I know what you mean, too, about not completely wanting to give up mourning because then it's like you're forgetting the person: my dad actually died on August 9, but I didn't think about the anniversary until August 11, nor did my mom mention it. It does get easier to deal with anniversaries and such, and you don't mourn after a while, but neither will you ever forget.
I'm sorry to hear about the sorrows of everyone who has posted here, but it helps so much to share. You've already hugged and wished each other well; let me just add some big hugs of my own for everyone.