Dear all,
Anyone from the original Forum may remember me, Vic, and especially someone called Dragon. He was at the Texas BBQ. Real name Tony. Tall, blond, glasses.
It's about 20 years ago now. Great film, great forum and very wonderful people I met then. I was coming out of a difficult time and I happened to watch the film by accident. Something shifted in me and I went online in search to talk about it. I encountered Dave Cullen's site with the BBM forum.
At the forum I met someone called Dragon, who had been thrown off at some point for being controversial (he never told me why or what). We talked a lot, both in the forum and privately and we developed a need to meet. We finally met up in Paris, January 2007, because there were two things we wanted to see there, besides meeting in real life, the Tin Tin Exhibition and the Afghan Gold Treasure that was on a world tour.
We met at the hotel bar at 8pm, and as I saw him sitting there in a lounge chair, reading a newspaper, I knew then and there, yes. We spent the next 17 years together until his death in October 21, from complications due to a heart problem and diabetes. He was the love of my life, and I just miss him so much every day.
Watching the Eurovision alone, which was one of our great fun traditions, I can just see him, next to me, as we make comments on song, dress, the ultimate gayness of it all. And there is this great hole in my life. My mind cast back to our meeting, the BBM forum, and I had to go online to see if it still exists somewhere, and to let anyone who remembers him know that he is no longer with us. He had many contacts, both on the forum and in real life, most of which I don't know even to this day. He surprised me on my birthday some years ago with a signed poster of the film, framed, because it was Brokeback Mountain that brought us together. It has always hung on the bedroom wall and will again soon, when I have a new home, everything being in storage right now, while I decide where to settle.
He was a great person, gentle, intelligent, generous, loving. We were not young when we met, he was 38, I was 44, he'd never had a real relationship, due to his position and the homophobia that was an unfortunate part of his life. A man of secrets.
Our life together was happiness, we never argued, though we differed significantly on many issues as well as background and upbringing. It never stood in our way and I feel blessed to have met him and be his love all this time. We traveled the world together and had a house and business together. I have sold and closed all that and moved to another country because I cannot deal with it. For my peace of mind I need to be somewhere he never was. I live with the memories, but I cannot live in them, seeing him everywhere every day. I cannot. Still, as I drive around this new place alone, he's there next to me anyway, checking his maps and calling out all the interesting places we can go see.
His death broke something in me, I'm old now, and I try to look forward, but I don't really care. I do what I have to do because I don't know what else. Death is final, nothing to be done about it. I do dream with him regularly, happy dreams, and I hate the waking up after, to face another day without him. I'm not alone, I have friends and family, who all knew and loved him. But it's not the same. They contact me on his birthday and now, with Eurovision, because they remember us together and how happy we were and the fun we had with it.
He was not with me when he died, I didn't find out until the afternoon, when I was called. His habit was to contact me before he left for office, and I was already worried he hadn't done so that day. I was at a friend's house, making plans for our next big trip together, she had joined us on a previous trip some years before, for when he was feeling better. He had been quite ill, spending months in hospital during COVID and I couldn't see him, we were 3000km apart and in lock down, and eventually he had a heart monitor installed. He was warned not to travel but airports were his second home. That, and family and business obligations, often kept him away for long times, but we spoke every single day. Especially in the evenings when the work was done. And I was running the business so my days were full as well.
As I said before, I just miss him so much, every day, in a hundred ways. When friends asked me to join them for a dinner and band evening the other day I declined. I was told I was a hermit, I said, I am still in mourning and I don't want to be fake. I am not able to go to the cemetery where he is buried because that country is closed for tourists right now or, at the least, not safe, especially for LGBT people, and I've been advised to wait. Some day I will go. I must.
For anyone who remembers Dragon (Tony) know he loved you all and enjoyed his friendship with you. I know he was very secretive about his private life, and I will continue to respect that. But please do contact me here or privately if you want, and I will try and answer the best I can. And share the fun stories and memories.
Vic
