Mourning Someone Who Has Died

[Vic]

Right. I'm glad you said that. Strange, isn't it?

These things have happened throughout my life and, outside of my direct family, we don't usually talk about it. The connotations are so negative (and the church made it worse), but they did, and do, happen, and after Tony, who made me wait so long!, I decided I wasn't going to deny it. (It took me a while before I hit the Post button, to be honest).

Before my mom died, the doctors had given her up but she lasted another year, mostly because she loved Tony and she saw how it had devastated me, and was worried about her 'Benjamin', my sister came over from NY to be with her, and I was visiting, and she said to my mom at one point, "Don't you go haunting this place after you die, the new tenants have nothing to do with it!" My dear old mom, who I also miss so much and died a year after Tony, was pretty mean, miserable and bitter in her final years. (Love you, mom.)

I was so surprised at my sister, who never wanted anything to do with this kind of thing, to say something like that, that I confronted her with it. So you do believe, I said. "Well," she answered, dismissing it, "you know how she is!" My other sister, meanwhile, as she confessed to me afterwards, refused to have our mom die in her house because she was convinced she'd haunt it and she'd have to move out.

I researched it a bit, and it's actually quite common. All cultures and religions mention 'visits' from the soon to die, dying, and (recently) departed. Mostly to loved ones, family and especially spouses, but also to strangers. From three days to about 40+ is the average occurrence. However, the 'premonition dreams', like I have them, is less common and generally not looked on favorably.

But I just wanted to see Tony again, in any way possible, and he made me wait for 42 days!

[Vic]

I seemed to have veered off a bit, which was not my intention. I just wanted to give some background to this 'dream thing' I have. I'm a science-based person, I don't go for the occult or supernatural. But just because science can't explain it (yet) doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

People don't come back from the dead (although there was this one guy, they say...), and I don't believe in an afterlife. I do believe, however, that people can leave an impression, an echo perhaps, after they die. Either anchored to a place or person or of restless roaming, and that some people are more sensitive to these impressions than others. I won't move into a new house if it doesn't feel positive. Hotel rooms are different, they're such a cacophony of impressions that it's like white noise.

History is full of people desperate to contact the dead in their bereavement, and of people taking advantage of this. I don't go for any of that. I just desperately wanted to see him again and I tried to push this dream thing. It didn't work, of course. He took his own sweet time, as was his wont.

[ingmarnicebbmt]

((((((((((((((((Suely))))))))))))))))))

Big hugs, and fond thoughts.

[ingmarnicebbmt]

Very moving and beautiful posts, Linda, Jonn and Vic.

 

[Vic]

Very moving and beautiful posts, Linda, Jonn and Vic.

 

(((Thanks)))

It's been mentioned that you change, after such a personally devastating event, and that you are never the same again. Maybe it's just part of the mourning process but I've become much more emotional than I used to be. I've always been a passionate person but since his death I find that seeing or watching other people's dramas is having an almost instant effect of compassion to the point of tears even. I seem to have lost objectivity.

I have always been a pragmatist because life simply demanded it, and even though I have followed my gut instincts with big decisions they were always rooted in a weighing of the pros and cons before deciding. But now I feel I am no longer grounded and it's difficult to get that back. It's like I'm swimming without a shore in sight. I have no fear of drowning but being rudderless is equally worrying.

[ingmarnicebbmt]

It's like I'm swimming without a shore in sight. I have no fear of drowning but being rudderless is equally worrying.

That's actually a good, convincing metaphor about such a constant vague feeling.

I can almost sense it!

[Vic]

Thanks.

I need to try and quantify what I'm feeling so I can find a way out.

I'm beginning to crawl out of the worst years of my life, his death was only part of it, the worst part. I not only lost him, but also our business, my mom, a close friend (who I found dead in her garden after I came back from burying my mom), all in the space of just over a year. She lived alone with her 20+ cats and dogs.  They had to have a new home. No relatives. So there was that to take care of. And ultimately, I lost my house. Despite his promise that he had taken care of things so I wouldn't have to worry, the family denied the existence of a will, and I had to sell as, according to law, they had inherited his half. Endless paperwork and legal matters, lawyers in different countries, etc. Nothing. A nightmare while trying to deal with my grief for him most of all, but also for my mom and my friend.

And, now that I'm beginning to see the end of all that, I don't know what to do. I've secluded myself to a small village in the countryside, and that gives peace and beauty with very few people around. I have no joy of life. I'm trying to get a little involved in the various topics here on the forum, which is great and I do get pleasure out of that. I watch a lot of movies and series, to take my mind off matters. I'm mentally exhausted, and I find it hard to get excited about anything. If I really had the choice, maybe in the future, I'd just grab my backpack and travel, see where life takes me. But I can't, still more obligations.

So yes, swimming without a shore, and what's the point in that.

[Vic]

I know, it's a lot to take in. My apologies. It's taken me almost three years to get to this point, where I feel emotionally stable enough to actually go online to find people he knew and to tell them about it. And to talk about it myself. Trying to exercise some sense of normality.

I did speak to an acquaintance about it, who is a Grief Counselor, and she encouraged me to do this some time ago, but I wasn't ready. I've had a lot of support from family and friends, but the world keeps turning and they have their own lives. There's always going to be something missing in my life and I just need to accept and deal with that and not feel guilty whenever I laugh, see or feel something positive.

Finding the BBM forum alive and well after all these years has been an absolute blessing in this process and I can't thank you all enough for just being here.

[CellarDweller115]

Hello Vic, you don't have to apologize for posting here!   I'm glad that you feel free enough to do so!

[gattaca]

^^^ Ditto x 10 on what Chuck said, the moderators try very hard to keep this a safe space for all and all viewpoints.  Thanks!  V.

[Vic]

Yes, I do feel that very much.

I've been doing some mental exercises a friend, and psychologist, recommended, to get this emotional roller coaster under control, and it seems to be helping. I can watch dramas without getting all teary-eyed for little reason. Never liked them anyway, that was Tony's thing, but, as she pointed out, it's important to take a step back from getting caught up in the drama and instead feel empathy or sympathy, whichever is more appropriate. It's good to feel sympathy when someone is going through a hard time, but there is no need to take it on personally.

I don't claim to fully understand it, I'm following the exercise, and I do feel stabler in my emotions. I really want to regain my objectivity, I consider it very important, especially in decision making. I've always been able to look at things objectively, weighing the pros and cons, regardless of how I feel myself, in order to make the best possible decision.

And now Summer is here, and I have some friends coming over soon to stay for a while. They'll get me out of the house to enjoy the beautiful countryside!
Small steps etc.

[killersmom]

Yes, I do feel that very much.

I've been doing some mental exercises a friend, and psychologist, recommended, to get this emotional roller coaster under control, and it seems to be helping. I can watch dramas without getting all teary-eyed for little reason. Never liked them anyway, that was Tony's thing, but, as she pointed out, it's important to take a step back from getting caught up in the drama and instead feel empathy or sympathy, whichever is more appropriate. It's good to feel sympathy when someone is going through a hard time, but there is no need to take it on personally.

I don't claim to fully understand it, I'm following the exercise, and I do feel stabler in my emotions. I really want to regain my objectivity, I consider it very important, especially in decision making. I've always been able to look at things objectively, weighing the pros and cons, regardless of how I feel myself, in order to make the best possible decision.

And now Summer is here, and I have some friends coming over soon to stay for a while. They'll get me out of the house to enjoy the beautiful countryside!
Small steps etc.

Hi Vic. This all sounds really good.

I took on remodeling our house after Rick passed away. This was with the idea that I would sell as it was just me, 4 dogs and 4 cats in a 3 bedroom 2 bath home on an acre of land.

I did see some friends, although most of the women were trying to fix me up, but also felt the odd man out as everyone still had their spouses.

After getting involved with the forum a year later really really helped and I did some traveling which I had always wanted to do. Meeting forum members allowed me to do this.

I didn't watch TV at all for about 18 months after he passed away. I read A LOT and watched movies on DVDs.

[CellarDweller115]

Vic, I'm so glad that you've found some exercises that are helping!

[Vic]

Vic, I'm so glad that you've found some exercises that are helping!

Yes, they seem to. Thanks.

Of course, watching old dramas is not what I like at all, but that's the whole point. In order to get back control I need to deal with it. Luckily, I do have a sizeable collection of them as I do like the old Hollywood Black & Whites. And there are always the favorites, like "Casablanca", and "Sunset Boulevard" (which makes me feel like Norma Desmond a little, though I'm definitely not delusional, nothing is coming back. There is no going back... I'm doing my best to move forward).

Two a day is quite enough at the moment. Then it's back to SciFi/Horror for me! And old Westerns. I guess there is still an underlying need to kill something (the monsters) and come out the good guy.

[Vic]

I took on remodeling our house after Rick passed away. This was with the idea that I would sell as it was just me, 4 dogs and 4 cats in a 3 bedroom 2 bath home on an acre of land.

Yes, I sold our house, it had been too big for too long already (two floors, six bedrooms and 4500 sqm garden). I've been there alone since 2020. But in the end I had to sell it. While he had told me years before he had left his half of the house in his will to me, the family denies the existence of a will, so I had no choice. It was worth a lot and they wanted the money. So I packed up everything and put it in storage, and left. With the 4 cats.