A couple of weeks ago, my partner and I rented the BBM DVD (things the way there are, there just wasn't money to see it in the theater). He came away thinking it was good (I mean, how often do we get to see gay love stories?) but not overly impressed. On the other hand, I'm just pulling out of a bout of depression after seeing the film. I basically knew what the film was about; but not THAT ending. I had no idea it was going to affect me so much. Grief is like that though. It hangs around and pops up at the most unexpected times.
There I was watching this great love story, and then it ends with those two shirts. Sitting here in my house, with two leather jackets left hanging side-by-side in the closet reminding me of my lost lover, I wanted to reach right through the screen and hug that poor guy Ennis. Suddenly, all that sadness I thought I had left behind just overwhelmed me again.
This movie became an obsession and I became a Brokeaholic. Thank goodness for this site.
I saw that lots of people were obsessed by the film for all sorts of reasons. After reading thousands of posts dissecting the movie, I gradually came to grips with the story and my own grief. (even looked through the slash stuff - but I can't get into some of that. This movie has a realistic edge of losing someone and when they are gone, they don't come back, things don't get better nor can you go back in time and change things to get a better outcome.)
At the end of this month, I'll be remembering losing my Randy eleven years ago to AIDS. He was only 29 (another stab of grief as Lureen utters a similar line), I was 30, and we had been together for 10 yrs. For years afterwards, as I struggled with the same illness, I withdrew into myself. Nearly a hermit in my own home, my thoughts were about what could have been, should have been but would never be. (just like Ennis, alone in that trailer with only his memories) Thankfully though, life moved on, and I got better physically and emotionally, and I moved on too.
Even though the future is still very uncertain for me (doc appt tomorrow to get results from the latest bloodwork and hoping they are still good like they have been lately, instead of as bad as they have been in the last decade), I at least still have a future. I've always been more of a "Jack" than an "Ennis" so I can even see enough of a future that I finally gave in two yrs ago, and let my long time friend officially become my boyfriend. (although he would probably say that for yrs. I've been as stubborn as Ennis for not committing sooner)
Obviously I'll never get over Randy (sometimes I even like wallowing in the grief. it helps me remember him); but it sure is nice to be in love and loved again. (it's also nice to know that I'm not the only one obsessed with BBM
) After I figured out why this movie got to me so bad, and explained it to my partner (who, of course, understood since he was friends with Randy and I), I'm feeling so much better and ready to grab the reins on this relationship and ride it for as long as it lasts.
Thanks for letting me share.