Just when I was gettin over the emotions with BBM, I come to this thread. My heart goes out to all who have lost a loved one. I really know where your coming from. It isn't easy losing a family member of best friend.
I'm from a family of five. Four boys, one girl who was the second to the oldest. I'm the youngest. When I was 5, my sister at the time was 9, was hit by a car in San Antonio, Texas. She was in a coma for 5 days before her little heart gave out. I didn't really grasp what what happening at the time, being in kindergarten. My oldest brother told me later that it changed the way our parents showed thier affection for us boys after that. They had put up a block, so to speak, but could never come out and say that they loved us in words. All my life and to this day, I'm 47, there response to being told "I Love You", is "Me Too". I know they do, but they just can't say it. My two oldest brothers were always close, doing everything together. My brother Gary, just 11 months older than me, was my best friend and companion growing up. He took up for me when I was being bullied by the older brothers or anyone else. We shared the same room together, slept in the same bed till we got into High School, when other two married and moved out. When I was going thru puberty, he was the one to tell me about the changes going on in my body. Being raised Catholic, my parents never discussed sex with any of us boys. What I learned was in books or what Gary told me. Hope this don't sound sick, but Gary was the one who thought me about masterbating at a very early age. There wasn't anything I couldn't tell him.
I had always known that I was different from other guys, as early as I can remember. I have always been attracted to men. At first, I didn't know what it was, then years later, I started having dreams of men and what it would be like to mess around with them. Gary and I never did anything sexual, besides years earlier with him telling and pretty much showing me about using your hand for pleasure. Of all the things I could talk to him about, I couldn't bring myself to talking about my attraction to men. This I found out about pretty much on my own.
When we got into High School, we were a little more distant from each other. He made his friends and I made mine. In the tenth grade he dropped out of school, he was struggling to get thru, his grades were poor and he was already set back a year by my Mother in elememtary. A girl friend of mine used to take me home from school everyday. We were in the last class of the day together. When she would drop me off, Gary was ussually at the front door and would wave at her. Deana, her name, finally asked if I would get them together, that she thought Gary was cute. Well, I told Gary, he said where and when. They dated a couple of years and decided to get married. I was a Senior in school. I'll never forget this, but, the night before their wedding, we had a party for him. After it was over, I went to bed. He came home several hours later. Next thing, there was a tap on my shoulder waking me. Gary asked if he could sleep with me, that he didn't want to sleep alone. I said sure, hop in. He asked me if I was doing alright, I said sure. "Well, I know I haven't been spending much time with you, but, You know I'm still here if you need me for anything". We fell asleep, him crading me in his arms.
Soon after I had met my future wife. I was totally screwed up with my feelings. I thought getting married, I wouls somehow change my feelings about guys. It didn't. My wife turned out to be one of my best friends. I never cheated on her, we got along perfect. The marriage lasted 6 1/2 years. Three sons. Just couldn't cope with my feelings anymore. Gary had divorced after about 7 years with Deana, they had one son. He came home from work one day and found his clothes packed. She told him that she didn't love him anymore and wanted a divorce. This like to have killed him.
My divorce was ruff. I finally came out to my family. The hardest thing I had ever had to do. My wife was angry for the years of lying, thought our whole marriage was a sham. I assured her it wasn't and would have never intentionally hurt her or the boys.
About a month after I moved out, I met my partner. We've been together 22 years. My ex took off and left the boys at my parents house. I made arrangement to put the boys daycare and school. She showed up a year later and I asked for custody of the boys. She gave it to me.
After all this time, my family still hadn't even met my partner or had been to my house. Gary was still dealing with his breakup. Always hoping she would come back. It never happened. I had gotten to the point that I was going to leave my partner and move back to my hometown. I forgot to say when I was 11, we moved out to a small town 30 miles south of SA, TX. I was telling my Mother of my plans, and she asked why I would want to do this. She hadn't seen me happier in years. I said I was happy, but couldn't live with the fact of not having my family in my life. It finally hit her, and she told me not to move out. The boys were happy and I was, they had adjusted well.
Gary was the first to make a move. He showed up at my house a few days later. He said he felt so bad about not being there for me, that he was still trying to get his life back together. He met my partner and they hit it off right away. The rest of the family came around a little later.
After 15 years, Gary still hadn't remarried. He just couldn't let himself go thru another marriage like that. He had started using drugs to help with the pain. Seeing his son every other weekend, coming home to an empty house. He hated life to an extent. He started spending more time at my house and going places with us and when he had his weekends with his son, they were with us. I would ask every once in awhile if he had dated or met anyone. He said he couldn't do it again. I finaaly realized that the drugs were really screwing him up. I got him to stay with me for quite a awhile to get him off them. It took about a year and half, but he did it.
We had a family owned business that everyone worked at. I was basically the accountant and hired a secretary, Teresa, to help me out. Teresa and I hit it off great. She had no problem with me being gay. Gary would come in the office every once in awhile, and I could see on his face, that he liked Teresa. Teresa, in the meantime was asking me about Gary. She had just went thru a divorce about a year earlier, and had three children. She thought Gary was soo cute and handsome. Neither of them would make the first move. My partner and I finally invited them over for dinner one evening, without the other knowing about the other coming. They hit it off great. Within a year they had gotten married. Gary had finally found his soul mate and Teresa hers. After all these years, Gary was happy again.
Things were going great for both of them. They had just celebrated their first anniversary, and Gary came by one day and said that he wasn't feeling real great for the last couple of months. He had been having pain in his side. I told him he needed to go to a doctor and get a check up. Teresa took him and they ran a bunch of test on him. Turned out he had Hep C, and cancer in his liver bile ducts. The years of drugs had taken their toll on his poor body. I was just totally stunned, how could this happen. He had found what he was wanting most in life, now to be taken away from him. God, I cried for days. Gary told me, "We'll get thru this", but I knew the way he said it, it wasn't gonna happen. "You have to be strong for Teresa and Mom and Dad". The next several months, I was at his house just about everyday. Each day he was getting weeker. He asked me one day if I was all right, I just broke down. I told him I was hurting so much inside to see him going thru so much pain. "I wish I could take your place, to let you enjoy what took you so many years to find again". He told me, "Someones got to keep this Family together, and I was the one that was gonna have to do it". He also said, "For all the years you put up with me and my bullshit, I look back and you made my life livable again.You have always been there when I needed you. Dropping everything to come to my aid. You don't see your other Brothers around here that much do you? Yea, they call to see how I'm doing and come around to visit once in awhile. But your the one who has stood beside me and looked after me all these years. I know our family isn't the greatest at showing our feelings and telling each other how much we care about one another. But you know Jimbo, that I love you with all my heart. When I'm gone, remember the good things that we've done together. I'll be lookin out after you". I held him the best I could without hurting him too much. After a few minutes he told me, "I want you to know, that I am really starting to get scared about dying, I don't hardly want to go to sleep anymore, scared I might not wake up again". I held his hand and he said, "Knowing your here beside me, it won't be as bad".
After a couple of weeks, Gary was completely bed ridden. I went to stay with Teresa and Gary for the last 3 weeks of his life. Teresa and I took shifts as to sitting up with him. One day I was in the kitchen and I heard a scream from the bedroom. I ran in and Gary was sitting up startled. Apparently, when he slept, his breathing slowed down to a crawl. Teresa tought he had passed on. I don't know who was scared most.
The day before Gary died, I left that night to go home and get some things done and to make sure my family was doing okay. I decided to stay at my house. Teresa called about 6 in the morning and said she tought he was going into a coma. I got dressed and was at his house within an hour. Gary had already lapsed into a coma. I felt so bad, I didn't get to say anything else to him. We sat with him and waited, I had to pick the boys up from school. I told Gary that I was leaving for awhile and would be right back. He started reaching for my hand, and took hold of it and squeezed it. I cried all the way to the school. I got back and a little later that evening my oldest Brother stopped by to see him. He stood by his bed for awhile and just couldn't take it anymore. He went outside. Teresa said she was going to go and talk to him. I got up and went and sat next to Gary. I put his head in my arm, and rubbed his forehead softly. I said" Gary, you know I love you, and I always will. Don't worry about Teresa or Mom or Dad and the family. We'll all be alright. You don't have to fight it anymore, you can let go". I guess that's what he was waiting to hear. He took one last breath and he was gone. I held him for awhile longer before I went out to tell Teresa and my Brother that he was gone.
Called my parents and other brother also.
Several weeks after the funeral, my Mother and I were talking about the night Gary died. I told her that I didn't know how to describe the feeling I had when he had left this life while in my arms. It is something you can't explain. She said she knew exactly what I was talking about. She was holding my Sister when she died. Mom said that that was something I should cherish, that Gary wanted me to be with him when passed into the other side. And it is, I miss him so much, took months of getting on the phone to call him about something and realizing that he wasn't there anymore to talk to. Thinking he's gonna walk into the room at anytime. I'm at peace now, things must happen for a reason. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of him.
Sorry this is so long. Once I start ramblin, just hard to stop. Have to get ready for work now, already late.
I want to thank Dave for this site and all of the wonderful people who visit with there stories. Damn, isn't Life wonderful!
jt44