Hello everyone.
I'll start by saying that coming upon this forum and seeing that it was active was an incredibly emotional surprise for me. I think I've come across it a few years back, but was too young to pay it any mind. I found it this time by looking up "Water walking jesus" on youtube after reading the short story for the millionth time, and finding a video uploaded by fritzkep (Hi Fritz!
nice to see you active on here) of a bunch of BBM enthusiasts visiting the film-site. It put a huge smile on my face, and through my excellent internet-stalking skills, I found the forum.
Anyways, a little about me. My name is Omar, I'm 21 years old, I'm a mystic/chasing enlightenment and I have a feeling my background is not a very common demographic on the forum– that is, I am form Saudi Arabia. As many of you can imagine, growing up as a gay man here wasn't very easy. I lived nearly all of my childhood and teenage years terrified, both due to my sexuality and for rejecting and leaving Islam, both crimes in the country. In school I have been ridiculed, bullied, outed, I have been forced to go to conversion therapy by my father, beaten, terrorized, and at some point, taken by him to the middle of the desert and being told by him that he brought me there to kill me.
I write all of this not to share a sob story, but to give a background on why this movie resonated with me so much. I watched Brokeback for the first time when i was 13 years old. I remember this sense of loss that I had for days after. It felt like I was in mourning. It wasn't just because it was a
beautifully tragic story, which, oh my god– it was. Rather, it was because that was how I imagined my life would be if I didn't make it out. I felt everything that ennis and jack felt, and I was so upset at how hopeless it all was. I was scared and sad and so
hopeless. To quote Jack, "You have no idea how bad it gets".
To say I have since become obsessed is an understatement. I watched the movie once a year, every year since then. I'd watch it more, but I like to keep it a little fresh upon rewatch, often alone, but last year it was with my first boyfriend which felt like an accomplishment, and this year it was with one of my best friends. I listen to the sound track at least once a month. the track "The wings" makes me tear up every single time, and the song spiritual that inspired annie to write the story is probably my favorite instrumental piece of music ever. A few months ago I ordered the book "Brokeback Mountain: Story to Screenplay" just so I could have something physical to hold on to. I am so pleased to hear that the forum has a book and I hope I can own and read it in the future.
I currently study clinical psychology. Doing my best to so I can get a grad-school scholarship and make it out of here eventually, but I don't know if that is in the stars for me. One thing is for sure though, I'm getting out one way or another. No way in hell do they get to bury my cold, dead body here. My living situation hasn't changed, but I have. I managed to find many friends and lovers who have give me a reason to keep holding on, and I grew the resilience that many gay men before me had to grow. We are survivors.
Anyways, it is now 4 AM on a college night and I'm typing all this feeling so tired and yet so ecstatic to find other gay men who love brokeback as much as I do. Thank you for this space. Thank you fritz for documenting your quest and sorry for creeping up on your youtube videos. I found them beautiful. I hope I can get to know you all, and I apologize for the inappropriately long introduction. Be well, and goodnight(morning?).
