Dearest Hazel....just read your story...tears streaming down my face...what a beautiful post...You write with such clarity and power.
I recognised ME in virtually every line. Like you I´ve struggled with what the film was trying to tell me. Like you the lost-love paradigm didn´t really call to me.....Like you Ennis was the sticking point...and you´ve nailed him/it for me.
I´ve often said to people I feel like a ghost in my own life. Not knowing what I was put here to do...fussing over everyone around me, trying to get THEIR lives in order (usually WITHOUT their asking me...so MY fault! ) giving sage advice, helping physically , emotionally etc....( Everyone sees me as one of the most helpful/capable people they know ). But thanks to Brokeback and posts like yours I see now that all this outward-bound benevolence is part of a personal campaign to avoid looking at my own problems ...Most of those I play Earth Mother/Big Brother to would be surprised if they even had a whiff of my true internal life. I´ve kept it hidden so expertly . Keeping my big emotional Ten Gallon Hat firmly pulled over my eyes...maybe Destiny won´t recongnise me and I´ll be able to avoid grappling with hi tyre-iron!!!!! Like Ennis ,micro-managing the day-to-day slippage of my own personality into oblivion.
I so hope you are successful in your personal evolution. As a result of Brokeback, this Forum ....and wonderful posts from other seekers like yourself, I´m working on mine too. But aren´t we lucky to have been blessed with this wonderful film as our..as you´d put it...message from the Universe ?
Once again good luck HazelX
